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Louise Anne Smithson I write my novels for one reason only - because I enjoy doing so. I have no literary ambitions beyond recording, shaping and polishing the stories that have been going round in my head for years past. The fact that others sometimes seem to enjoy reading them is most gratifying and an added bonus to me but is not my main motive in writing them.
My full-length novels are all set in the contemporary United Kingdom or else start out there. They contain no great danger or excitement; there are no vampires, zombies, extra-terrestrials or characters with super powers. Likewise there are no gangsters, kidnaps, murders, bank heists, or car chases. They are rather about individuals coming to terms with who they really are. My stories tend to be categorised as 'sweet and sentimental' and have a positive and optimistic outlook, although with some tribulations along the way. Unfortunately, they are not autobiographical in any way, but rather my way of dealing with things 'that might have been', if only I'd been born forty years later. I hope you enjoy reading them. The two short-stories at the end of the list are both pieces of experimental fiction, written for BC competitions. One is a ghost story set in 1930s/40s Norwich, and the other a dystopian view of UK life in the 2090s. I'll leave it to others to decide whether or not they were successful.
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A Fortuitous Adventure: or, how I got my first job by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright © 2010 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
The story is set between July and September 2009, principally in Shrewsbury, Shropshire, England, but also with journeys to Birmingham Airport and Sheffield.
by Louise Anne Smithson
Chapter 1
My arrival at Shrewsbury
She was right. It was approaching noon and the weather was exceptionally hot, even for July, and I was beginning to sweat profusely.
‘I put it on this morning as I needed some more pockets to hold my ticket and wallet. These jeans are a bit too tight,’ I explained.
‘Your shirt has a deep pocket, you could put your ticket and some money for the journey there, then pack your jacket in your suitcase, it would be more comfortable for you that way,’ she suggested.
I sighed, but followed her advice and extracted my rail ticket, bank card, and twenty pounds from my wallet, then carefully folded my coat and placed it in my suitcase. At the same time I took out a computer magazine that I'd bought to read on the next leg of the journey.
‘You seem to have brought quite a case load of clothes with you this time,’ she commented.
‘I'll be staying in Shrewsbury for the whole of the summer holiday and I don’t want to be doing laundry more than once a week,’ I answered.
I suppose I had bought myself rather a large case but it had been on special offer in the shop, and had the attraction of having four wheels for me to pull it along. My mother couldn't really complain though, since her own case was nearly as large as mine and she also had a cabin bag for her plane journey.
About ten minutes later our departure was announced and we were allowed to join the train. I loaded my suitcase on to the luggage rack at the end of the carriage and helped Mum to do the same with her own. Her cabin bag would fit on the rack over the seats. We found a couple of seats next to one another half way down the carriage and so it was possible for us to continue our conversation. Over the next few minutes the carriage proceeded to fill with other travellers and the racks at the end of the carriage and spaces between some of the seats quickly became overflowing with luggage. It looked as if half of the passengers were either going away or else returning from a holiday.
‘Are you sure you're going to be alright Chris — six weeks is a long time for me to be overseas?’ said Mum.
‘Of course I’m going to be fine, I'll be sixteen in a couple of weeks and that is old enough to leave school. In any event, I'll be staying with Aunt Carol and her daughters,’ I answered. ‘You can always telephone or email me to make sure that all is well.’
‘I fully intend to do so, at least once a week,’ she answered. ‘You can also email or send a text message to me, or for that matter, you could telephone and leave a message for me to ring you back, if there are any emergencies.’
‘Don’t worry, there won’t be any emergencies,’ I responded wearily.
‘I hope not. I’m relying on you to behave sensibly and to look after yourself.’
I responded with another weary sigh and what I hoped was a withering look. Mum smiled in response.
‘So what are you planning to do in Shrewsbury between now and the beginning of September?’ she asked.
‘I don’t know,’ I said shrugging my shoulders; ‘I suppose I'll chill out with my cousins for part of the time, but I'll also need to try and find myself a part-time job if I can. I've three hundred and fifty pounds saved but I don't see that lasting me for the six weeks of the holiday.’
In fact I was quite glad of an excuse to get away from my home town for a few weeks as my only real friend there had just moved away with his family and I didn't want to admit to my mother that I didn't get on well with most of my school fellows, and had turned in to the local ‘Billy No-mates’.
‘Karen and Anne are now grown women and have full-time jobs and steady boyfriends. There's only Clare who is of a similar age to you,’ she answered.
‘In that case I'll chill out with Clare, if she doesn’t object to my company. Then there's always the Internet — I've some school projects to complete and Aunt Carol confirmed that they do subscribe to broadband,’ I replied.
‘OK but just be careful and don’t do anything that might embarrass your aunt or your cousins.’
Mum was due to catch her plane at Birmingham International Airport whereas I'd be travelling on the same train as far as Wolverhampton and then changing to a local train to take me on to Shrewsbury. We spent the next hour and a half either reading our magazines or else in desultory conversation, until the intercom announced our imminent arrival at her station. This caused a number of passengers to stir from their seats and get ready to disembark.
‘Will you give me a hand collecting my big case from the luggage rack please Chris, whilst I follow with my cabin bag? It looks as if quite a few of these people will be getting off the train,’ said Mum, noting the movement further down the carriage.
‘Alright, I’ll put it on to the platform for you,’ I answered, ‘but keep an eye on my case for me as you go past, please.’
‘I can’t imagine any of these people wanting to pinch your scruffy old jeans and tee shirts,’ she said smiling.
‘Perhaps not,’ I replied. ‘But it is a respectable looking suitcase and so no one will know what's inside.’
We said our goodbyes on the platform whilst several teenagers with American accents sorted themselves out and walked past dragging their own luggage towards the exit.
‘I’ll see you in September, she said, giving me a final hug and a kiss. ‘Be sure to behave yourself, and I hope you have an enjoyable summer.’
‘I hope your trip will be successful,’ I responded.
‘So do I!’ she answered. ‘Thanks for being so understanding and co-operative with the arrangements.’
The train was about to leave so I boarded again and waved through the window.
As I re-entered the carriage I double-checked that my suitcase was still in the rack - it was - although not in exactly the place that I'd left it. That didn't worry me since the other passengers had extracted their own cases and so probably had moved mine out of the way in the process. I returned to reading my magazine until we reached Wolverhampton where I changed trains and waited for the Chester service which would take me as far as Shrewsbury. As I waited for my connection on the platform I noticed the sky had become darker towards the northwest and it looked as if there was going to be a thunder storm ahead.
My prediction proved to be right. By the time I alighted at Shrewsbury, thirty minutes later, it was beginning to rain quite hard. I therefore stood in the ticket office of the station awaiting the arrival of Aunt Carol, who had promised to meet me from the train. Whilst I waited I tried to retrieve my hooded windcheater from the case but found that the combination lock refused to open. The same thing had happened to me once before when a case suddenly changed the combination for no obvious reason, (although I later discovered that a switch behind the lock had not been set correctly). I cursed under my breath and decided I'd have to wait until I reached my destination before I could sort it out. Then, at last, Karen, the oldest of my three cousins, turned up carrying an umbrella.
‘Sorry I’m late Chris but Mum has been called away to look after Gran, who has had a minor stroke. I had to ask for special permission to leave work early so that I could come to meet you,’ she explained.
Karen had recently qualified as a nurse.
‘I’m afraid my sisters and I will be looking after you for the next couple of weeks until Mum gets back,’ she added.
‘I’m very sorry to hear about Gran, is she going to be alright?’
‘I spoke to Mum at lunchtime and it looks as if she is going to make at least a partial recovery, although she will need some home nursing for a while.’
‘Does my Mum know about it?’
‘No, it only happened last night and my mother decided to say nothing to Aunt Jill as she knew how important this European tour will be to her business plans. She’ll telephone her to fill her in with the details later this evening. So in the meanwhile, I’m afraid you’ll have to make do with the three of us.’
‘That’s alright by me,’ I said. ‘I'll be quite alright looking after myself. I wasn’t expecting anybody to look after me.’
She looked at me and my suitcase.
‘My car is parked in the Post Office car park, I’m afraid it is about a five minute walk away. I couldn't find anywhere to park in the street nearby,’ she said taking my case. ‘Haven’t you brought a raincoat or an umbrella?’ she asked.
‘I have brought a hooded coat but I’m afraid it is locked in the case and I can’t seem to open it at present, something seems to have happened to the lock.
‘In that case I’m afraid you’ll get wet as I have only this small umbrella, but if you like I'll take your case for you and you can follow me.’
‘Thanks’ I said following her into the rain.
Although well meant, that wasn't such a good idea as Karen, holding an umbrella in one hand, couldn't pull my case as quickly as I would have done with both hands free. No sooner had we left the station than the rain came down in torrents and in no time I was wet through. Even Karen, with her umbrella soon became soaked.
‘We’ll have to change our things once we get back to the house otherwise we will both get pneumonia,’ she commented as I loaded my luggage into her boot and got in the passenger seat next to her and started to drip on the car floor.
By the end of the four mile drive to my Aunt’s house in the Shropshire countryside I was feeling decidedly wet and cold.
Anne, the second of my three cousins, and Clare her younger sister welcomed us to the house. Anne worked in an office in town, and apparently had also left work early on that day. Clare was seventeen and would start her final year at school in September and was currently a lady of leisure.
‘Welcome you pair of drowned rats,’ said Anne.
‘Is the weather always like this in Shrewsbury?’ I asked.
‘No we save it up especially for your visits Chris. However, I suggest you both get changed out of those wet things quickly.’
‘I'm just going to change my clothes and blow dry my hair,’ said Karen, ‘but as you have been traveling all day Chris, why don’t you hop in to the bath?’
‘Alright but I'll need to sort out my combination lock first,’ I said, ‘otherwise I’ll have nothing to change into.’
‘Don’t worry about that for now, here's a bath towel and you can put this on when you come out,’ said Karen handing me a towel and a plain white bath robe. ‘We'll sort out your case for you. Feel free to use any soaps etc. in the bathroom. Also, if you leave your wet clothes outside the bathroom door, I'll put them straight in the washing machine along with mine.’
I did as I was told and soon felt a lot warmer and more relaxed than before.
Whilst I was in the bath my cousin Clare kindly started working through every possible combination starting from 000 until she eventually came to the one which opened my case. It took her about half an hour before she knocked on the bathroom door to announce her success. So I thought it was an appropriate time to emerge from the bathroom dressed in the white bath robe. I came downstairs to the living room to find my three cousins had my case open and were looking somewhat puzzled.
‘I have to say young Christopher that we all admire your taste in lingerie,’ said Clare.
‘What do you mean?’ I asked, blushing.
She held up a dark blue silk camisole top.
‘That isn't mine,’ I said incredulously.
‘Well, we were beginning to wonder about you,’ she said. ‘This case seems to have been packed full of rather attractive girls’ clothes, and there is no trace of anything one might have expected you to wear. Are you sure that you have brought the right luggage with you, or is there something you need to tell us about your lifestyle?’
‘Well it is of the same make and colour as my case and it has been in my sight ever since mum got off the train,’ I said.
‘What about before that?’
I then stopped to think for a moment and remembered helping Mum at Birmingham International station.
‘Oh my God! I’ve a horrible feeling that someone may have taken my case from the luggage rack on the train at Birmingham Airport and left their own one behind. I lost sight of my luggage when I helped mum to carry her case off the train. Now I come to think of it, there were a number of American teenage girls who got off at the same time as she did’ I said.
‘That would at least explain the lingerie and why your combination didn't open the lock,’ commented Clare.
‘We had deduced that the owner was probably from the United States as there are a couple of printed plastic carrier bags inside, one is from a department store with branches in New York, Boston, and Philadelphia. But there doesn't seem to be anything else in the case with the owner’s name or address on it,’ said Anne.
‘That means that my case is probably en-route to the USA by now,’ I said with a note of dismay in my voice.
‘Don’t worry Chris; she's bound to get in touch as soon as she discovers her mistake. By the look of things her clothes are a lot more expensive than yours’ would be and so no doubt she'll want them back,’ commented Karen trying to be encouraging.
‘The only problem is that I’m not sure there is anything in my luggage which would identify me,’ I said racking my brains.
‘Didn’t you put your name and address on your case?’ asked Anne.
‘It was a brand new suitcase and I hadn't got round to doing it. In any event, I wasn't taking it abroad. I was only taking it on a train and assumed that it would be in my custody throughout the journey,’ I said sheepishly.
‘What about inside your luggage, is there anything that might have your name and address there?’ asked Karen.
I thought hard.
‘Oh God, my wallet with my holiday money was in the pocket of my coat which I slipped inside the case at Euston station this morning,’ I said.
‘How much money?’ asked Karen.
‘Three hundred and thirty pounds’ I responded.
I was now very worried indeed.
‘But surely your wallet will have your name and address,’ said Anne.
‘No, I took out my bank card and put it in the pocket of my shirt. I don’t think there was anything else in the wallet to identify me.’
‘What about a credit card?’ said Karen.
‘I’m too young to have one.’
‘So Chris, let us now take stock of your situation! You are now two hundred miles from your home without any clothes and without any money to buy some new ones,’ said Karen with a note of gentle sarcasm in her voice.
‘And you cannot go back home to get some other clothes because your mother has just left for an extended trip overseas,’ added Anne.’
‘I do have about twenty pounds and the clothes that I arrived in,’ I added weakly.
‘I'm afraid that twenty pounds won't even take you as far as Birmingham, let alone the south coast, and the clothes you arrived in are currently in the washing machine,’ said Clare.
I blushed and felt very foolish in front of my cousins.
‘I suppose I'd better telephone Mum and ask her to send me some money to buy some new clothes,’ I said.
(Next time How my loss led to the opportunity for some work)
I got the inspiration for the first chapter from Crystal Sprite’s How I Spent My Summer Vacation (see http://www.storysite.org/story/howispentmysummervac~01.html ) although I've changed the setting. From chapter 2 onwards it is entirely my own story.
Louise.
by Louise Anne Smithson
Chapter 2
A job opportunity
‘Don’t do anything too quickly Chris; you still may get your suitcase and your money back. Your mum will be worried enough when she hears about Gran’s stroke so let's not give her any more grief than is necessary. The first thing you need to do is telephone the railway lost property office before it closes for the night. You never know but they may already have your case.’
I did as she suggested and explained the circumstances of my loss. There was no record of any suitcase having been handed in at Shrewsbury, Wolverhampton, Birmingham or Euston during the afternoon. I asked whether they would take my name and phone number and notify me if it were found. They weren't terribly hopeful, particularly when they realised that there was no name and address on the case and it might have been inadvertently taken out of the country. Instead of taking my number they told me to ring back to enquire again in two or three days. They also gave me the telephone number of the lost property office at Birmingham Airport, and so I rang them and told the story once again. The airport wanted to know details of the flight and the destination of the person with my case, but I could supply neither. There'd been half a dozen flights leaving for, or connecting with other flights to the East coast of the USA, in the three hours immediately following my loss, and nobody had so far reported anything untoward. Once again they didn't take my details but suggested that I should ring them again the following day, by which time the girl with my case would have probably returned home and realised her mistake. I reported back to my cousins.
‘It looks as if I’ll have to borrow this bath robe until my own clothes are dry?’ I asked.
‘We don't have a tumble-dryer and so it will take at least twenty-four hours before your jeans are dry,’ said Anne.
Clare now took pity on my plight.
‘Chris, you are roughly the same size as me. I’ll try and find you something suitable of mine to wear in the meanwhile. By the way, what’s your shoe size?’ she asked.
‘Six,’ I answered.
‘You’re in luck,’ she said, ‘I take the same size.’
Given the events of the day so far, I couldn't really agree with her sentiments.
Clare arrived back from her bedroom about ten minutes later, carrying a pile of her clothes. She put them down on to a chair and began to sort through them.
‘Chris, would you prefer to wear a skirt or a pair of trousers?’ she asked playfully.
‘Very funny,’ I answered blushing deeply.
She handed me some girls’ slacks, a baggy sweat shirt that could equally be worn by a boy or a girl, together with some short white socks and a pair of girls’ trainers. She also handed me some plain white underclothes.
‘I tried to find you some knickers which aren’t too ‘girly’, and you can have the most masculine looking bra that I could find,’ she said smiling to her sisters.
I was now blushing deeply.
‘Thanks but I’ll pass on the bra,’ I said. ‘But I suppose I have no alternative but to wear the remainder of the clothes, as long as you all promise not to tell my Mum or Aunt Carol’.
Inevitably there followed a little more good-natured teasing from my three cousins and offers of something a little more feminine to wear, if I wished, but eventually everyone promised to keep silent about the incident and so I agreed to put on Clare’s clothes for the evening.
Both Mum and Aunt Carol telephoned soon after tea, having first spoken to one another. Mum’s initial reaction on hearing the news about her mother had been to want to cancel her trip and return to the UK by the next available flight, but she had been dissuaded from doing so by her older sister. My grandmother’s condition, although serious, was not life-threatening and Carol had promised to look after her, at least for the time being, and to report back daily. Gran had also insisted that she shouldn't cancel her trip. Mum was also a little anxious about me, but pleased to hear that I had arrived safely, without untoward incident, and that I was being looked after by my three cousins. The last thing I wanted was to worry her with the story of my lost luggage. Aunt Carol then rang and spoke firstly to her three daughters. I was relieved that they all kept their word and made no mention of my present clothing, or my long term difficulties. She then asked to speak to me.
‘I am sorry that I won't be around for a couple of weeks Chris, particularly after I'd promised your mother to keep an eye on you.’
‘Don’t worry Aunt Carol, I’ll be fine. My cousins have all been very nice to me’ I answered.
‘Good, I've told them that they're all responsible for your well-being and ensuring that you don’t get into any trouble.’
‘I won’t do anything silly. I'm hoping to find a part-time job or some other way of earning some money if I can.’
‘OK then. I’ll be ringing to check that all is well at regular intervals!’
Karen and Anne had both arranged to go out with their respective boyfriends that evening so after dinner Clare and I washed up and sat down to watch television together. At about eight o’clock her friend Jenny Green telephoned to check that she was at home and then called round to the house shortly afterwards. I was introduced to her as ‘my cousin Chris from Sussex who will be staying with us for the summer.’ Jenny smiled and asked me where I came from and my plans for the summer. I was feeling a little self-conscious about my unusual attire and so I didn't prolong our conversation. I merely answered her questions, and said I was hoping to find some work for the summer before making my excuses about having to unpack my case and sort out my new bedroom, and so I left them chatting to one another. Half an hour later, Clare knocked on my bedroom door and asked if she could have a word with me.
‘Jenny’s mother is looking for some waitresses to work tomorrow evening — she owns a small catering business and has been let down at the last minute. Jenny will be working herself and has asked me if I’d also be willing to work as well,’ she explained.
‘That’s alright, go ahead, please don’t feel that you need to stay in and look after me,’ I said.
‘I’ve already agreed to do so but, she has asked me whether my cousin would also be interested in a job as a waitress. When I introduced you as Chris, she assumed it was short for Christine, and didn't realise that you were really a boy who happened to be wearing some of my clothes.’
‘I don’t see how she could have made that mistake? I’ve got short hair and a flat chest’ I answered, somewhat surprised.
‘I can understand her mistake. It is quite difficult to judge whether you’ve any boobs or not in that baggy tee shirt and many girls have short hair these days. Also you do have a slight build for a guy of your age and your voice is rather soft and high pitched as well.
‘Thanks a lot!’ I said blushing deeply. ‘I can’t help my size or my voice. You’re not exactly doing much for my self-confidence Clare, particularly when I have just lost all my clothes.’
‘I'm sorry Chris, but it isn't my fault that you have a nicely shaped face and look quite cute as a girl,’ she replied with a trace of petulance.
I blushed again and looked downwards, not knowing what to say in reply. She took this as a signal to continue with her story.
‘Anyway, I explained your situation to her and she was amused by her mistake but also sympathised with your plight. She still wonders whether you might be willing to work as a waitress tomorrow. The money would be good - fifty pounds for about six hours of work. She’d have to clear it with her mum first, but Jenny thinks that she's so desperate that she might be willing to employ you.’
‘I could certainly do with earning the money, but couldn’t I do the same work as a waiter, as my clothes will be dry by then?’ I asked.
‘I am afraid that would be a non-starter since all her mother’s staff wear a uniform - black dresses with little white aprons — it is part of their corporate image. There's no way they would let you work in jeans and a tee shirt. However, nobody knows you in this town and we both think you could make a very convincing waitress if you were willing to give it a try,’ she added.
‘I don’t know about that,’ I said.
‘Just think about it, if you did earn some money working for one evening you would be able to go out and buy yourself some more guys’ clothes to wear.’
‘I suppose so.’
‘Why not at least come downstairs and have a word with Jenny about it?’ she said.
As I came down Jenny turned to me with a nice smile and said, ‘hello again Chris: I'm sorry that I mistook you for a girl, but it was a natural mistake since you were wearing those clothes.’
I blushed for a third time before answering. I'd not realised that I looked as feminine as I clearly did.
‘That’s alright, Jenny. I suppose it was my own fault for losing track of my suitcase,’ I replied, trying to sound as masculine as possible.
‘Yes, you've been a careless bunny, haven’t you? But how do you feel about my suggestion?’ she asked.
I dared not say what I really thought about it.
‘I'm not sure. I need to earn some money urgently, but I’d be worried that your mother’s customers might not make the same mistake about me that you did.’
‘Well, let’s at least see what you look like wearing a dress and with some fake boobs before deciding,’ she said. Turning to Clare, she asked, ‘can your cousin try on some more of your clothes?’
‘Yes of course, it'll be easier to find him something that really suits if I'm not restricted to boyish clothes.’
She returned after a few minutes with a short black dress, a black bra, a pair of tights and some black court shoes with two inch heels.
‘Here put these on Chris, they're the same colour as your uniform would be. You can use your socks to fill the cups of your bra for now’ said Clare.
I did as I was told and the two girls showed me how to put on the tights without laddering them. I then stood up and they looked at me.
‘I think he looks pretty good,’ said Jenny; 'he’d have to shave his legs of course but otherwise they look quite good in tights.’
‘Remember to keep your legs together and not to cross them when you sit down,’ said Clare to me, and then turning to Jenny she suggested, ‘Let’s put on a little bit of lipstick and eye makeup to make him look a little older.’
‘OK, but not too much,’ said Jenny opening her bag and retrieving some makeup. 'He needs to look like a waitress not a beauty queen.’
I was ordered to sit down whilst they quickly made up my face. Five minutes later I asked them for their verdict.
‘Come on, you’ve both had plenty of time to inspect me, so what do you think?’ I asked.
‘Chris you look really great - just like an attractive young woman, even with the short haircut,’ said Clare ‘I don’t think anyone would realise that you were a boy.’
‘I have a shoulder length brown wig that he could wear tomorrow if that would help,’ said Jenny.
‘Yes please, he would look even more convincing then,’ said Clare without even consulting me.
‘Hang on a minute, I haven't agreed to go ahead with your plan yet,’ I cautioned.
‘Come on Chris, don’t be awkward. You look great and no-one will ever know,’ said Clare in a tone that ended all further discussion.
‘How do you feel wearing those shoes?’ asked Jenny.
I walked around for a while trying to get used to them.
‘OK, they seem to fit comfortably and I suppose I could get used to wearing them, but I wouldn't wish to wear anything higher than these,’ I replied.
‘Good. So that’s settled. Let me now ring my Mum and assure her you’ll be working tomorrow Clare as she has been frantic all afternoon about how we are going to cope tomorrow. I’ll also explain to her all about your cousin, and see if she is willing to take him, (or perhaps I should now say her) on as well.’
There was no mirror in the sitting room and so I left them went out to hall both to sort out my own thoughts and to see what I now looked like. I have to admit I was favourably surprised by my image. I didn't look at all outrageous or like a drag queen, just like an ordinary, but quite attractive girl. I may have looked ordinary, but I felt wonderful, as if I were walking on air, everything felt just right.
A few minutes later I returned to find them talking together about something. Jenny then turned to address me.
‘Mum was a little anxious about the idea but would be willing to consider you as a waitress. She wants to see you wearing a dress and with some makeup on tomorrow morning before she decides whether or not she’ll take the risk of employing you.’
‘Oh!’ I said, suddenly feeling let down.
‘Don’t worry’ said Clare, ‘You can hang on to those clothes until then and I’ll also help you get ready in the morning.’
‘I’ll bring my wig round first thing as well, and show you how to put it on and style it’ said Jenny.
‘Alright then, I suppose there isn't a lot else I can do until my jeans are dry,’ I said, trying to sound indifferent to their plan.
‘Exactly,’ said to Clare.
‘But what will Karen and Anne say when they find out?’ I asked her.
‘Don’t worry about them; I think they’ll be quite pleased if you have found an opportunity to earn some money, whilst you are waiting to get your case back.’
Jenny left us to go home at about ten thirty, and I decided to go to bed. Clare had wanted me to stay up, dressed as I was, until her sisters returned, but I pleaded tiredness after having travelled for much of the day. So she found me an old pair of her pyjamas to wear and gave me a new toothbrush that they kept as a spare.
‘I am afraid that I only have pink one to offer you, but in the circumstances it is quite appropriate,’ she commented as she handed it to me.
(Next time I have a job interview)
by Louise Anne Smithson
Chapter 3
An interview and a manicure
‘Good Morning Chris! You'd better hurry and get yourself some coffee and toast, as Jenny will be here any minute and we have to get you dressed and ready for your job interview,’ she said.
‘Clare, I've been thinking about last night and I'm not sure that it is such a good idea,’ I said.
‘Why ever not?’ she replied. ‘Jenny and I thought it was a brilliant idea and a good way for you to earn yourself some money.’
‘Maybe so, but I'm not sure I'll be able to carry off the deception at work,’ I said.
‘You fooled Jenny last night, even without making any effort to do so,’ she said.
‘I know, but ….,’ I began to reply.
‘By the time we've finished with you this morning even your own mother would think you were a girl,’ she interrupted.
‘That is a nice idea, but …,’ I thought.
‘Suppose someone were to challenge me, whatever would I say?’
‘Nobody will challenge you! Why should they? Whoever takes any notice of a waitress, unless of course she drops the food in their lap? In any event, Jenny’s mother won't let you work if there is a danger that you might damage the reputation of her business.’
‘But what would your mother say if she found out?’
‘Mum is likely to be away for some time and has plenty of other things to worry about at present.’
‘And what about Karen and Anne, what'll they think of me?’ I asked.
‘They already know. I told them about the plan last night and they both think it is a brilliant idea. They'll be in tonight when we get back from work so you'll be able to tell them how we got on. Now come on Chris, you know that you want to do it really,’ she said in an enticing voice.
‘How does she know?’ I thought to myself, but did not answer.
Fortunately, Jenny arrived at that point bringing her wig, and so that put an end to any further discussion on the matter.
‘Before you get dressed we'll need to wax your arms and legs. You're not very hairy but it'll be best to make sure’ said Clare.
I was instructed to strip down to my knickers, and the two girls spread some warm wax strips over my legs and arms, and rapidly pulled them off taking the hairs with them. The sensation was one of shock rather than pain, but I began to get worried when they asked to inspect my armpits, and proceeded to spread some depilatory cream all over them.
‘Why do you need to clear my underarms, they'll not be visible?’ I asked.
‘It is better to be safe than sorry — nothing will give you away faster than a glimpse of a hairy armpit,’ said Jenny.
I had to stand for ten minutes whilst the depilatory cream took its effect, and so my two colleagues went off to fashion some more realistic looking breasts for me to use. They came back with a pair of old stockings where the toes had been filled with lentils and then tied off.
‘These should be of about the right weight and consistency to slip in to your bra cups and the knots will make a convincing nipple shape,’ said Jenny. We'll need to tape them to your body so that they do not shift around as you work.’
I had a shower to get rid of the cream, and all the unwanted bodily hair came off with it, leaving my limbs feeling smooth and silky. I was given a change of knickers, but this time they were somewhat more feminine than before. I then joined the two girls in Clare’s bedroom. First of all they helped me to tape the new home made breast forms in place and put on and adjust my bra. I sat down and was again shown how to put on a pair of tights without laddering them, by Clare.
‘This is the last time I'm going to show you; in future you'll have to do it for yourself,’ she said.
‘Who’s said anything about the future?’ I thought to myself.
The silky texture of the tights felt nice against my smooth legs and created a pleasurable sensation as I walked. I put on the black dress and the court shoes provided for me the previous evening. Jenny then told me to sit down in front of the dressing table mirror and began to put some makeup on to my face. This time she explained exactly what she was seeking to achieve with each of the cosmetics and offered advice on how they should be applied.
‘The main thing is not to put on too much. There are loads of makeup training videos on You Tube, so next time, we'll expect you to be able to do this for yourself,’ she said.
‘Not if you don’t want me to be found out. This clearly needs a lot of practice,’ I replied now asserting myself a little more
Finally, Jenny showed me how to put on her long brunette wig that she had brought with her; how to clip it securely into place and then brush it into a style. I had never had long hair before this date and so the feeling of it on my shoulders and around my neck was entirely new. Yet, as with the feeling of the tights on my legs, it was a pleasurable sensation.
As soon as I was ready the three of us stood in front of the full-length mirror admiring our combined work. I must say I was impressed with myself and seemed to present an even more convincing, and indeed attractive, female image than the previous evening. My new long hair was lighter than my natural shade, but still looked good. My two companions were of the same opinion.
‘He looks really lovely,’ said Clare to Jenny.
‘What do you think Chris?’ asked Jenny.
I felt as if I might faint from the sheer pleasure of looking at myself and feeling so good.
‘I suppose I do look fairly convincing,’ I responded tentatively.
‘What about some jewellery - earrings and a necklace?’ answered Clare.
‘I don’t think it will be necessary, earrings will not be visible under the long hair and a necklace will look out of place when he puts on the waitresses uniform.’
‘Alright,’ replied Clare, ‘but we're going to have to stop referring to him as ‘he’: from now onwards Chris we will refer to you as ‘she’ whenever you are dressed as a young woman.’
‘Very well,’ I shrugged, trying not to sound bothered one way or another at the prospect.
‘Shall we call you Christine, or is there some other name you would prefer?’
‘To avoid confusion it might be better if I were to take on another name whilst I am working. What do you think about Emily?’ I asked.
‘OK then, as long as we are allowed to shorten it to Emmy.’
‘Very well then Emily, let’s go and introduce you to my mother,’ said Jenny.
I was experiencing a mixture of emotions as the three of us arrived at Jenny’s house half an hour later. Inevitably, I was feeling both nervous and exposed to be wearing a dress, wig and makeup in public, and was about to be introduced to the parent of my new friend. But at the same time I felt a rush of pleasure, knowing that, in spite of everything I looked like an attractive girl.
Jenny’s mother was a cheerful, business-like woman in her late thirties. She was of middling size and smartly dressed in a suit, having just come back from meeting a potential customer.
‘Hi girls!’ she said as she opened the door to us. ‘Thank you very much for agreeing to help us out tonight Clare, and I understand that you might be interested in some more summer work.
‘Yes please. Mrs Green,’ answered Clare, ‘I need to earn some money before I go back to school in September.’
‘Well as long as you are reliable and willing to work hard, I'm likely to have plenty for you to do over the next few weeks.’
She then turned to her daughter ‘I thought you were bringing Clare’s cousin over this morning, or has he now changed his mind?’
She may not have noticed me hanging back slightly but then she asked ‘who is this young lady that you have brought in his place?’
‘No Mum, this is the same person that I spoke to you about last night, except we've now given Chris a new name of Emily,’ said Jenny.
‘Emily, this is my mother Joyce.’
I blushed deeply as I greeted her and we shook hands.
‘I am sorry Emily, I did not know. You look most convincing as a girl, and you also sound like one as well so I did not realise that you were the person I was expecting to see. In fact it was not until I shook hands with you that I noticed anything boyish about you at all.’
‘Oh!’ I said, not knowing whether to be pleased, disappointed or embarrassed with what she had just said.
‘Do you have any experience of waiting at tables my dear?’
‘I have helped out as a waiter in a café near to my home, but only as a casual weekend job,’ I replied.
‘Do your parents know that you are intending to work for me as a waitress?’ she asked.
I explained that I came from a single parent family with no contact with my father, and that my mother was currently overseas on an important business trip and that I did not want to worry her by telling her that I had lost all my clothes and money.
‘Yes Jenny explained your predicament to me. I suppose I would be willing to risk giving you a trial for tonight, since it appears that we are both rather desperate. However, I'm just a little bit concerned that your hands might give you away, and so I wonder whether there is something we might do to them to make them look a little more realistic.’
‘What have you in mind Mum?’ asked Jenny. ‘They look ok to me and in every other respect I thought we did a pretty good transformation job on Emmy.’
‘Don’t get me wrong Jenny; you've done an excellent job. However, hands are quite important if you are serving meals to people, as they are liable to be noticed,’ she replied. ‘May I have a closer look at them Emily?’ she asked.
I held them out in front of me and allowed her to examine them.
‘They are not too bad, your fingers are quite slender, but your nails are far too short and have no shape to them. Also, most women have a first finger that is slightly longer than their ring finger, whereas your two fingers seem to be of equal length. Would you we willing to have nail extensions and wear a little bit of a fairly subdued nail polish?’ she asked.
‘I would not object, but I have no money to pay for them,’ I replied.
‘Alright, I will meet the cost for you on this one occasion,’ she said, ‘but if you work for me again after tonight you will either need to pay for them yourself, or else you could always hang on to the extensions.’
She seemed to be assuming that I would work for her on more than this one occasion. I did not say anything as I wanted to reserve judgement on the matter, but there was no way that I was going to walk around Shrewsbury with painted finger nails whenever I was not working. But I had come so far with their plan, and there seemed to be no point in raising any more objections. Joyce therefore telephoned a friend who owned a nail salon in the town, explaining my particular circumstances and arranging for me to have an appointment immediately after lunch. In the meanwhile, I used my mobile phone to call the two lost property offices to make enquiries about my luggage. Unfortunately neither one was able to help me. There had been no enquiries or messages from the USA. Once again they both suggested that I should call back after another day or two.
Jenny was needed by her mother to help with some preparatory work in the afternoon, so Clare agreed to escort me to the nail salon, and as a bonus for our stepping in at the last minute, Joyce agreed to pay for her to have a manicure whilst I had my extensions affixed. I was rather nervous at first as we boarded a bus into town and walked through the busy shopping street on our way to the salon. Once again I was conscious of the different feelings of wearing a dress and tights. Also the wig gave a different sensation. My new shoes reminded me how to walk and tried to avoid taking large strides. However, after a while I realised that nobody seemed to be paying very much attention to me, and so I gained in confidence. The young manicurist had originally intended to do my nails in a back room, but when she met me, she changed her mind and invited me to sit on one of the usual seats in the centre of the salon.
‘Hello madame, I am Natalie I understand from Joyce that you are to have gel extensions and a fairly subdued nail polish.’
‘That’s right, but please call me Emily,’ I replied.
Natalie smiled and began cleaning, shaping and buffing my existing nails, pushing back the cuticles and removing any dead skin. She then carefully spread a clear layer of transparent gel on each of my finger nails and asked me to hold them under an ultra-violet light for fifteen seconds to cure. Next she placed gold foil nail forms around each nail and underneath the tips, sticking them round each finger and creating a base for each extension. Once again she spread a thin layer of gel on each nail, gradually extending it on to the form. After each coat she asked me to hold my hand under the ultra-violet light for one minute. After three of these coats I had long transparent finger nails on each finger. She carefully removed each form, and added a final top coat of white gel. Once this had cured she proceeded to go through the same with my thumbs. Afterwards, she carefully trimmed and filed all my nails into shape.
‘These extensions should now be as strong as your natural nails’ she said, brushing away the dust. Ten minutes later they were finished and she began to paint on a coat of brownish-red varnish.
‘So what do you think of your new nails Emily?’ asked the manicurist as I held out my fingers for the varnish to dry.
‘They look very nice, but I'd no idea they would be so long,’ I said. ‘It will be difficult for me to use them.’
‘Don’t worry, you will soon get used to them, and they make your hands look so much better’ she responded.
I had to admit to myself that she was right. I thanked her and went to join Clare who was waiting for me when I finished, having paid both our bills with money provided by Jenny’s mother.
‘That is quite a set of talons you have there, Emily, I wouldn’t wish to get into a cat fight with you,’ she said smiling.
I blushed a little and did not answer; but nevertheless I felt quite proud of them.
(Next time Our first assignment)
Chapter 4
My first job
‘You’ll be able to email a copy to your mother, to let her know you're not getting up to mischief,’ commented Clare with a smile.
‘I don’t think that would be a good idea,’ I responded.
Joyce gave us a lift to where we would be working and went through our various duties for the evening. We were serving a dinner at a hired hall. Joyce’s team of caterers would prepare the meals offsite and then deliver them to us ready to be plated up and served to the guests. Our job was to lay the tables, serve the meals to the diners afterwards providing them with tea and coffee and either cheese and biscuits or mint chocolates. Our final task involved clearing up so that the crockery and utensils, table cloths etc. could be collected to be washed elsewhere.
‘Alright girls, you now know what has to be done, so please don’t let me down. Jenny has done it all before if you've any more questions. In an emergency you can always contact me on my mobile phone.’
‘Don’t worry Mum, I'm sure that we’ll be fine together,’ said Jenny.
‘I hope so. Good luck to you all, and especially to you Emily.’
‘Thanks, I'll do my best, Mrs Green’ I answered.
‘Good, and in future, please call me Joyce, she said as she left us to get on with the work.
My first evening working as a waitress seemed to go very well indeed. It was fairly hard work but also proved to be good fun. We set out the tables ready for the arrival of the guests. The meals turned up at the right time and her caterers had provided some excellent food and wine, which was appreciated by the diners. The plating up was done by the kitchen staff, so between the three of us we managed to get all of the meals served and the different courses cleared away at the right time and without serious mishap. I was neither challenged nor as far as I know recognised by the other members of the catering staff or the customers and soon stopped worrying about my dress or appearance. I also quickly got used to wearing higher-heeled shoes, and did not fall over, although towards the end of the evening I found my feet were beginning to ache. Above all, however, I got to know my two companions much better and we had a lot of fun working together as a team, and also joking with the customers. It was one of those relatively rare evenings when everything seemed to go according to plan, and everyone concerned appeared to be satisfied.
Joyce returned just as the last few diners were leaving and we had nearly finished clearing up the last few coffee cups.
‘I've been speaking to the organisers, it appears you've done a terrific job tonight girls, and have worked very hard. Thank you very much,’ she said smiling.
‘Everybody pulled their weight, and Clare and Emmy have been doing a good public relations job for you by flirting with the male customers,’ said Jenny laughing. ‘We've even collected thirty pounds in tips to split between us.’
I blushed at these words, unaware that that was what we had been doing.
‘In that case girls, I hope you'll both be willing to work for me again tomorrow lunchtime as I've a finger buffet for sixty to cater for,’ said Joyce addressing Clare and myself.
I looked at Clare for guidance. She confirmed that we would both be happy to do so once again, without further reference to me.
‘Good, I'll just go and collect my car and then give you both a lift home.’
As soon as Joyce had left, Clare turned to me.
‘I hope that will be alright with you Emily — after all you seemed to be enjoying yourself tonight,’ said Clare.
‘I suppose so, but I was just wondering what I'm going to wear in the meanwhile as it does not look as if we are going to be paid immediately.’
‘Don’t worry, I'll sort you out with some clean underclothes for tomorrow and you can continue to borrow my black dress until you get your own clothes back,’ she replied.
‘Thanks, but I hope I'll get my own clothes back soon,’ I replied.
‘Really?’ said Clare, as if she didn’t entirely believe me.
Joyce returned before I had a chance to answer her.
As Clare and I were getting out of the car Joyce handed me a small zip-up sponge bag.
‘Here you are Emily, there are a few items of makeup for you to use tomorrow. I like my waitresses to look smart, so Jenny and I collected these together for you this afternoon, hoping that all would go well this evening and that I'd want to employ you again.’
‘Oh! Thank you!’ I said, a little surprised and unable to think of anything else to say.
‘To save time in the morning, we'd like you to try putting on your makeup by yourself, as we showed you, but don’t be too heavy handed about it,’ added Jenny. ‘Clare and I'll make sure it is ok before we go to work.’
‘Alright then, I'll do my best’ I said, blushing a little, but nevertheless quite excited by the prospect.
Clare had telephoned her sisters during the course of the evening to tell them what we were doing and when we were likely to be home. She also told them that we would not need to eat anything when we arrived, having been able to grab a hurried meal at work. We arrived home at nearly midnight to find both Karen and Ann still up, although they were both due to work the next day. They were anxious to find out how we had got on with the new job. As I went in Karen exclaimed in delight,
‘My goodness Chris, whatever has my sister done to you? You look really good dressed like that.’
My cheeks flushed a little as I thanked her for the compliment.
‘So how did you enjoy working as a waitress young Chris?’ asked Anne.
‘It was quite good fun, all things considered,’ I replied. ‘I think we did quite well and I enjoyed the work.’
Clare stepped in to the conversation.
‘You two must stop referring to our cousin as Chris when she is dressed like this. I'd like you to meet our cousin Emily who's been working with us all day. So please remember, that Chris wears jeans and t-shirts and is a ‘he’, whereas Emily wears dresses and makeup and is a ‘she’.’
I looked away as she said this, not knowing quite how to react.
‘Alright, I stand corrected,’ said Anne smiling. ‘So is it going to be ‘Chris’ or ‘Emily’ tomorrow?’ she asked me.
‘I think it'll have to be Emily again as Jenny’s mum wants us to work for her tomorrow lunchtime, and in the meanwhile she wants me to hang on to these’ I answered holding out my hands for inspection.
‘Oh what lovely finger nails you have Emily,’ said Anne ‘did you do them yourself?’
‘No they were done professionally in a salon, but I've agreed to hang on to them at least until tomorrow to make the investment worthwhile,’ I answered.
‘What about your makeup and your boobs?’ asked Karen.
‘Jenny put on my makeup for me, and Clare made my boobs by putting lentils into the feet a pair of old stockings’ I said.
‘They look quite convincing as long as she does not try to wear a low cut top,’ added Clare.
‘I can probably do better than that for you. We have a pair of silicone breast forms sitting around at work, which were bought some time ago for a breast cancer patient, who died before they were ever used. Her relations, who bought them, did not want them back, and so I'm sure you could borrow them if you would like to try them out,’ she said.
‘I'm not sure,’ I answered. ‘I'm hoping to get my luggage back pretty soon and then I will have no need for them.’
‘Yes, what is happening about Chris’s luggage?’ asked Anne, changing the subject.
‘I telephoned the lost property offices again this afternoon but there's still no sign of my suitcase. Unless I hear something from one of them tomorrow morning I'll have to ask for an advance on my wages and go out and buy some more clothes for Chris on Thursday.’
‘So what are you going to wear tomorrow Emily?’ she asked.
‘I'll wear the clothes that I am wearing now if Clare doesn’t mind. I've only had this dress on for a few hours as I had to change whilst I was working’ I replied.
‘That may alright, but you'll need a change of underclothes for tomorrow’ said Karen. ‘As Clare has done the honours last time, Anne and I can each contribute a set of underclothes which should last you until you have either have retrieved your own, bought some new, or else washed those that you are wearing.’
‘Remember that I still have one set of Chris’s clothes in the airing cupboard’ I said.
‘Yes but you'll want to hang on to those until you know whether or not you'll need to go out shopping on Thursday’ she replied.
‘Alright then, thank you,’ I said.
Karen and Anne disappeared in to their respective rooms and each came back with a pair of knickers, a bra and a camisole, for me to use over the following days. This time, however, there was no concession to my true sex, and the ones they had chosen for me were unashamedly feminine. I did not protest but thanked them both again. Clare then took me up to her bedroom where she showed me how to clean off my makeup and take off my breast forms and wig, before going to bed.
‘There is no nail varnish remover in this bag; may I borrow some of yours Clare?’
‘Yes of course, if you want to, but what is the point? Your nails look really nice as they are and the varnish is not chipped or anything. Varnishing your nails will just be one more job for you in the morning. Remember that we are expecting you to put on your own makeup. I suggest you leave your nails as they are at least until after you have finished work tomorrow.’
‘Alright then, I suppose you're right’ I answered holding them out for inspection, and feeling relieved that I would not now have the bother of cleaning them.
Shortly afterwards I went to bed wearing Clare’s pyjamas, feeling tired, but not altogether unhappy with the way things had worked out for me that day.
The following day was a Wednesday and Clare and I were expected at the Green household by ten o’clock. I set the alarm on my mobile phone for seven so that I could have a shower before my cousins got up, and would have plenty of time to get myself ready for work. As I washed myself I once again admired my long painted finger nails and enjoyed the feeling of putting the soap on to my smooth legs. It also struck me that I was really looking forward to spending another day working as a waitress.
Once I got out of the shower and begun to dry myself I noticed a large tin of scented talcum powder on the bathroom shelf — something I had never used before. There had been an open invitation for me to use any of the bathroom toiletries that I found, and so guessed that no-one would object if I used some this morning. After all, everyone in the house seemed to be keen to turn me into a convincing young woman, who I now realised involved somewhat more than merely looking like one.
After my shower I dressed myself in Karen’s knickers and put on her bra and camisole. Once again I inserted the artificial breasts into the two cups, but before I went any further, I put on the white bath robe and some slippers and went down to the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee and some toast. Anne was the first of my cousins to emerge, on the way to the shower.
‘Good morning Emily.’ she said cheerily. ‘You know you make a very presentable young woman even without the wig and makeup. And I like the smell of talcum powder.’
‘Thanks,’ I responded, ‘your sister said much the same to me last night, but I'm not sure now whether it's a good or a bad idea for me to be dressing like this.’
‘Why shouldn't it be?’
‘Well it's not exactly normal behaviour for a young man, is it?’ I responded.
She shrugged her shoulders.
‘Don’t worry too much about what is or isn’t normal — it's just the way things have turned out for you. In any event, it's providing you with a useful opportunity to solve some of your present financial problems,’ she replied.
‘So you think I should just ‘go with the flow’ until either my luggage is found or I've earned enough money to buy some more clothes for myself?’ I said.
‘No, I think you should do more than that,’ she said after some thought. ‘You should make the most of this opportunity to discover out what it is like to be a young woman.’
I hesitated for a while before answering.
‘Sometimes I feel it is difficult enough for me to discover what it is like to be a young man.’
Anne was about to respond to me but at that point Karen entered the kitchen and greeted us both and so our conversation was brought to an inconclusive end. Soon afterwards Anne left to take a shower and I finished my coffee and toast and made my way back to my bedroom.
I sat down in front of the dressing table and laid out all the cosmetics that had been given to me, trying to remember the order in which they should be used and their purpose. Jenny seemed to take a particular interest in cosmetics and had chosen well to suit my complexion, and she was also a good teacher. I took my time on this first occasion and proceeded with care. After about an hour I felt that I had made a reasonable attempt at making up my face. I was particularly pleased with my eyes, which now seemed to shine, and the mascara seemed to lengthen my eyelashes. I carefully put on Jenny’s wig, clipping it in to place, and brushing it into a style. As I did so, I heard my two elder cousins call out to me that they were leaving for work that they would see me in the evening, and wishing me luck at work.
As soon as I was finished with my makeup, I put on a clean pair of tights provided for me the previous night by Karen, together with Clare’s dress and her court shoes. Clare was still in the shower, and so I quickly hand-washed all the other borrowed clothes that I had so far worn and hung them to dry in the utility room. I also checked on Chris’s jeans and tee shirt in the airing cupboard and found that they were now perfectly dry and would be available for me to wear again on Thursday if I needed to go out buy myself some more clothes.
Clare had showered, dressed, and made-up her face by nine-fifteen.
‘OK Emmy so let me have a look at your efforts,’ she instructed.
‘So what is the verdict?’ I asked after she had taken a little time to scrutinise my face.
‘Emily, that is not at all bad for a novice,’ she said, making a few minor adjustments with the powder compact and the lipstick. ‘You've not committed the usual beginner’s mistake of putting on far too much makeup. If you keep this up you'll soon become quite an expert at fixing your face. How long did it take you this morning?’ she asked.
‘About an hour and a quarter,’ I answered, beginning to wonder just how long she expected me to remain working as a waitress.
‘Don’t worry,’ she said smiling, ‘in a week or two you’ll find you have got it down to about twenty-five minutes.’
I did not answer.
(Next time I get invited to go to a dinner dance)
by Louise Anne Smithson
Chapter 5
An invitation to dinner
‘I don’t use that one any more so you are welcome to hang on to it for as long as you continue working with us,’ she said.
I smiled and thanked her, wondering how long she had in mind.
Wednesday’s job was a lot more straightforward than that of the previous evening: it was a buffet lunch for a business meeting. The caterers had already delivered the finger food on trays covered with cellophane, together with bottles of wine in coolers. All we had to do was to set out the cold food on the side tables, open the wine and pour the drinks, and to begin to heat a series of canapés to offer the guests. Once they were assembled and had helped themselves, we carried round trays of canapés or drinks to refill their plates and glasses. Afterwards, we served everybody with coffee or tea before they disappeared back to their meeting. Once again, nobody seemed to notice anything unusual about me, or if they did, then they certainly did not make it at all obvious. The lunch was over and the guests had returned to their meeting by two o’clock, and, after having a snack ourselves, we had cleared up the food, and loaded the dishes and glasses into the plastic trays ready for them to be collected by four.
Joyce left us to get on with things by ourselves whilst she went to visit a potential customer, and then check up on another function that was being catered by another group of her staff. She only returned as we were just finishing the clearing up. Again she declared herself to be satisfied with the performance of all three of us. She had no work for us the following day, but there was going to be a particularly large dinner on Friday evening, requiring several teams of waitresses. She would need our help once again, both in preparing the hall and laying the tables and then again in the evening to help serve the food and clear up afterwards.
‘That will be fine by me,’ answered Clare, ‘I want to earn as much money as possible this summer.’
Then turning to me she asked, ‘how would you feel about working again Emily?’
‘Err … I'm not really sure, I don’t really have anything planned and would like to earn some more money, but ….’
‘In that case I think you should do so, it has been good fun having you with us over the last two days, and we work well together as a team,’ interrupted Jenny, before I had a chance to express my reservations.
‘But what am I going to do about these finger nails in the meanwhile? Remember that Clare and I are due to go shopping tomorrow,’ I asked.
‘Don’t worry, I will hand over the money to the shop assistant, so you should be able to keep your hands out of sight or wear a pair of gloves for one day, if it embarrasses you,’ said Clare.
‘Wearing gloves in July will seem a little eccentric, but I suppose you can sign Emily up for Friday as well as I need the money, but is there any way I could have an advance on my wages, as I really must buy Chris some more clothes to wear before my aunt returns.’
‘I suppose I could do so on this one occasion, just in case your aunt should suddenly decide to return,’ said Joyce
‘I have no particular plans for tomorrow, so why don’t I come shopping with you both,’ said Jenny. ‘It will also be easier for you Emily if there are three of us.’
‘Alright then, but remember that it will be Chris rather than Emily who is likely to be the one who is embarrassed,’ I replied.
On the way back Joyce stopped at a cash dispenser and withdrew the ninety pounds which I had so far earned and gave them to me.
‘I expect there will be some work next week if you are both interested,’ she said as she handed me the money.
‘It sounds as if Mum will still be staying with gran next week, and so it will be a good opportunity for you to earn some of the money that you lost and perhaps even to buy yourself some more clothes,’ commented Clare.
‘I don’t know, I would prefer to wait and see what has happened by Friday before committing myself,’ I said.
‘Alright then, but I would like to know your intentions for next week by Friday night’ said Joyce. ‘Also don’t you think that it is time that you told your mother what you are doing to earn money Emily?’
‘No, I don’t want to worry her until I know that Gran is out of danger,’ I replied. ‘In any event I still may get my case back.’
‘Alright, as long as you know what you are doing,’ she replied.
Clare and I arrived at her home at about 4.30 pm and I immediately telephoned the two lost property offices for a third time, but again there was no news of my luggage. Whereas they had been sympathetic before, they were now beginning to get fed up with me ringing each day, and one of the assistants suggested that I should assume that I had lost the luggage for good and think about claiming on my travel insurance for its replacement. There did not seem to be any point in explaining that my case was not covered by any insurance policy.
Karen and Anne arrived home an hour later and I proceeded to tell them about my second day working as a waitress and the offer of even more work on Friday, and indeed next week, if I wanted. I also told them of the continued loss of my suitcase.
‘I think I now have to assume that my clothes are lost for good, but at least I now have some money and so I will be able to buy myself some replacements tomorrow morning,’ I said.
‘Before you do so, make sure you have something nice to wear on Saturday night - it will be my twenty-first birthday on Sunday. Mum had been planning to take us all out to a rather posh dinner-dance at The Lord Hill Hotel in the Abbey Foregate, and had already bought the tickets. She rang me last night and does not think she will be able to come home to help me celebrate. She suggested that you should take her place.
She handed me a neatly written envelope containing an invitation card to her birthday celebration.
‘But this is addressed to Emily?’ I said.
‘That’s right, I have discussed it with my sisters and we think it best if you come dressed as Emily. Between the three of us I am sure we could fix you up with something suitable to wear for the evening. There is going to be a ‘smart’ dress code in force and you would never be able to afford to get yourself a dinner jacket and trousers.
‘Who else will be there?’ I asked.
‘At our table there will be four of us plus our boyfriends Jim and Daniel’ she replied.
‘But I am not sure that I want to be seen as Emily by your boyfriends, I would be too embarrassed,’ I said.
‘There is no reason for you to be embarrassed, they both know all about your situation and were sympathetic to your plight. In fact they are keen to meet you,’ she said smiling.
‘No doubt they are anxious to have a good laugh at me,’ I said. ‘But you promised you would not tell anyone about me.’
‘We promised not to tell our respective parents, and in any event that only applied to Monday evening. The remainder of the week is an entirely different matter,’ she added.
‘Sorry but I think it will be better either for me not to come, or else to come as Chris. Perhaps I could hire a dinner suit?’
‘If you did so Jim and Daniel would still know that you have been working as a waitress all week,’ she said. ‘Please come along as Emily, you look so great dressed as a girl and we promise that the boys will make no jokes or snide comments at your expense or even refer to your true sex.’
Karen nodded.
‘What about Clare, won’t she prefer to have a male escort to even the numbers?’ I said rather lamely, half knowing what the answer would be.
‘Why do you think that? I'd far rather go out with you as Emily than as Chris any day,’ said Clare decisively, thereby squashing any last vestiges of my male ego. However, she then realised what she had done and smiled sweetly at me saying, ‘I am sure we will have a lot of fun getting you ready and then going dancing together afterwards.’
‘Please come as Emily! After all it's my 21st birthday and so you ought to humour me’ said Anne.
‘I don’t know Anne, I'll have to think about it over the next day or so before committing myself’ I said.
I'd been intending to get washed and changed back into Chris’s clothes after tea, but my three cousins persuaded me stay as I was for a while. Karen had brought home the pair of silicone breast forms from work, and wanted to know how they were affixed. I was therefore instructed to take off my top and bra and lie down on my back on the settee whilst my cousins placed each one in turn and drew a line in felt tipped pen around the edges. Next they affixed Velcro strips in a hash pattern around my nipples and finally a thin line of adhesive just inside each edge both on the forms and on my skin. After waiting a few minutes for the adhesive to cure, they carefully placed each of the breasts.
‘I trust these will come off alright afterwards’ I said to Karen, ‘remember I have to go out as Chris tomorrow.’
‘Don’t worry, there is a bottle of solvent for the adhesive, and then we'll be able to peel them off the Velcro strips. If you like, you can keep those strips in place until you need some breasts again on Friday.’
As soon as my breasts were firmly affixed I was asked to sit up, but instructed to hold them in place for a minute or so whilst the adhesive set. As I did so, Karen removed all traces of the guidelines together with any surplus adhesive from around the edges and disguised the join with my skin by using a flesh coloured foundation. Ann disappeared whilst this was happening, but returned carrying a couple of her garments, just in time to see me release my new breasts. They both flopped down, pulling my own skin into a cleavage as they did so. I looked at myself in the mirror and the final result was most impressive; they looked exactly like the real thing, and it was difficult to see where my own skin ended and they began. My three cousins were amazed by how realistic my breasts looked. They felt and seemed to move exactly as if they were real breasts, and it took me a little time to get used to putting on my bra again as they tended to move of their own accord. However, once my bra was in place and adjusted to my new shape, they felt more comfortable, although my centre of gravity had shifted and I tended to hold myself a little differently.
‘That’s great, now you'll be able to wear a low-cut dress on Saturday night. Here, try these on,’ said Anne offering me one of her tops, together with a tight black skirt to wear.
I did as I was told and found the top was rather low cut but the two garments showed off my newly acquired figure very well. I went out to the full-length mirror in the hallway to examine myself. With Jenny’s wig and my makeup still in place I again looked like a convincing and attractive young woman and felt great about it. My cousins joined me and once again I found myself to be the centre of attraction and admiration.
‘It's wonderful what a difference some silicone can make, Emily has suddenly acquired a noticeable cleavage and I'd defy anyone to know that it was not genuine,’ commented Karen.
‘Yes, she made a convincing girl beforehand, but this is an added bonus’ said Clare.
‘So how does it feel to be a ‘hot chick’ Emily?’ asked Anne, laughing.
I blushed and looked at the floor, but I think my cousins realised that I was quite pleased with my appearance. However, all good things must come to an end, and at nine o’clock I announced my intention to change back to Chris ready for the morning and asked for Karen’s help to remove the forms.
Karen and Anne expressed their disappointment.
‘Karen has made such a good job with your boobs, why don’t you leave them in place until tomorrow morning to show Jenny?’ suggested Clare. ‘We'll have all day to get you changed and go out shopping.’
I thought for a moment then agreed, quite pleased that I wouldn't have to lose my appendages so soon, and that someone else other than me had made the suggestion.
‘Alright then,’ I said, ‘as long as Anne doesn’t mind my borrowing her clothes for a little longer.’
‘Of course you may borrow them Emily,’ she replied smiling, ‘but remember I'll also be counting on you to wear something special for me on Saturday night.’
‘I still haven’t decided whether or not I am coming,’ I replied.
That night I had to lay on my back in bed, as that was the only position in which my new boobs felt comfortable. I remained awake for some time thinking about the different events of the last few days and trying to sort out in my own mind what I thought about them, and what I was going to do on Saturday evening. In some ways it would be nice to go out as Emily once again, as I enjoyed wearing makeup and having long hair, and I seemed to make a passable impersonation of a young woman. I also enjoyed the company of my three cousins and Jenny but then I wondered what Mum and Aunt Carol would think if they ever found out what I had been doing in their absence. Eventually I fell asleep without having decided what I wanted to do.
(Next time I make my mind up about Saturday)
by Louise Anne Smithson
Chapter 6
A new dress
‘It is all my own work and what's more, it only took me thirty five minutes,’ I replied, feeling quite proud of my efforts.
‘But I thought you were intending to go out shopping as Chris this morning?’
‘I am, and I'll be getting changed back in a minute, but Clare wanted me to show off my boobs to you before I took them off, so I thought I might as well practice putting on some make-up as well.’
‘Sorry, I was so impressed by looking at your face and your hair that I didn't notice below your neckline, but now I look at your breasts they're most impressive - just like the real thing. How do you manage to disguise the join?’
‘Karen stuck them on for me last night, and I have used foundation to blend the edges in with my own skin.’
‘They look just like the genuine article, you'll have all the guys peering at your cleavage if you're not careful,’ she said examining them more closely. ‘But how do they feel?’
‘They do feel a little strange, but not uncomfortable. They sometimes seem to have a life of their own, especially if I move suddenly. I can understand why girls need to wear a bra to keep them under control,’ I said smiling.
‘So now you know what it's like to have breasts, she replied. ‘Actually your new boobs are just about the ideal size, big enough to give you a nice figure, but not so big that you look top-heavy. They also seem to be stuck down quite firmly.’
‘I suspect it's going to be quite a task to get them off!’ I said.
‘In that case why don’t you leave them on for the time being and come out shopping with us just as you are? You look great and nobody will give a second thought to a girl buying some jeans and a tee shirt for her brother or her boyfriend,’ she said.
‘My thoughts exactly,’ said Clare who had just then joined us.
‘That way you won’t need to worry about keeping your long girly finger nails out of view,’ added Clare.
The same thought had occurred to me as I was putting on my makeup, but I preferred to let someone else suggest it.
‘I suppose I could go shopping as Emily this morning as I am already dressed and made up. Nobody other than you knows me in this town, and I've been able to pass successfully as a girl at work.’
‘That's true, and then you can hang on to your new breasts for work tomorrow,’ added Jenny.
‘And also perhaps keep them for when we go out with my sisters on Saturday night.’ said Clare.
‘Hold on! I’ll see how I get on today before making any decisions about tomorrow,’ I replied, ‘but I don’t think I will be wearing them to Anne’s birthday meal on Saturday. In fact I'm still not sure whether I'll be going.’
‘What's this meal on Saturday?’ asked Jenny.
‘Mum had bought tickets for everyone for the Country Club dinner dance on Saturday night, as it was going to be an opportunity to celebrate Anne’s twenty-first birthday. She'll not be able to go now because of my gran, and so has suggested that we take our young cousin along instead,’ said Clare.
‘So why won’t you be going?’ she asked me.
‘Anne wants me to go as Emily rather than as Chris, and expects me to dress up for the occasion. She and Karen have told their respective boyfriends about me and I'm not sure that I want to be regarded as a drag queen or a circus freak for the evening,’ I answered.
‘I am sure that was not their intention,’ said Clare. ‘In fact my sisters have promised you that their boyfriends will treat you with respect, or else face severe consequences.’
‘The answer is for you to go to the meal looking absolutely gorgeous just to take the wind out of their sails, as you did when you first met my mother. In fact, you should both endeavour to look so stunning that Karen and Anne start to get anxious about their boyfriends,’ said Jenny laughing. ‘If you like, I'll help you both to get yourself ready to go out on Saturday.’
‘I don’t know. I do not have anything suitable to wear except for Clare’s little black dress’ I replied.
‘Don’t worry Cinderella, I’ll lend you a long dress to go to the ball if you like,’ said Jenny laughing.
‘Actually I was thinking about Anne’s invitation in bed last night and have an alternative suggestion to make on the subject,’ said Clare.
‘What is that?’ I asked.
‘Before I say what it is, I want you to tell me honestly why you've taken so much trouble with your appearance as Emily this morning, when you knew we were both expecting to go out shopping with Chris?’
I shrugged my shoulders, and as I did so felt my breasts wobble.
‘Well since Karen went to so much trouble over fitting these boobs last night it would have been a shame to take them off straight away, and when you suggested that I should keep them on to show to Jenny this morning I was happy to agree.'
‘But why did you bother to put on some makeup this morning?’ she asked
‘I woke up quite early and decided to make an effort to show Karen that I appreciated her help before she went to work,’ I said.
It didn't sound terribly convincing as I said it.
‘Tell me truthfully, have you enjoyed living and working as Emily over the last couple of days?’ she asked.
I blushed deeply.
‘Well I must admit that so far I have been having a good time working with the two of you, and successfully passing myself off as a woman.’
‘I think we have both noticed that,’ said Jenny, ‘and we have also enjoyed working with you as well haven’t we Clare?’
‘It's been fun,’ said Clare, ‘and I hope it'll continue to be.’
‘So what is your suggestion?’ I asked trying to change the subject.
‘Emily, it is nearly three days since you lost your suitcase, and it will be five days by Saturday,’ said Clare. ‘I suspect that you are never going to see your clothes and money again as the girl who took your suitcase doesn't know how to get in touch with you. She probably doesn't even realise where the switch took place, and may think that she collected the wrong case at her hotel or at the airport, for all we know. I seem to remember that the case she left behind contains some very nice clothes for someone of about my size, which of course means they would also probably fit you as well. I therefore suggest that before making any decisions we should have a look through her suitcase to see if there is something that might be suitable for you to wear on Saturday night.’
‘I am not wearing the dirty old clothes of a mad woman, who goes about stealing suitcases,’ I answered.
Clare smiled.
‘As I remember, everything in the case was spotlessly clean, she must have done her laundry the night before she packed,’ said Clare. ‘Some of the clothes were as good as new.’
‘Well let us at least have a quick look to see what there is,’ said Jenny.
I retrieved the case from the top of my wardrobe and we started to lay the contents on my bed. Clare was right. The case was full of expensive looking female clothing, much of which appeared to be hardly worn. There were a couple of skirts, a pair of slacks, several blouses and tops and two dresses including a really stunning long dress in light blue silk. In addition, there was a wide selection of lingerie. Further down we found two pairs of high-heeled shoes, one set matching the evening dress, together with a jewellery case containing a necklace and earrings, a matching handbag containing various cosmetics, and a plastic bag containing some long tresses of dark brown hair.
‘That blue outfit was clearly intended to be worn on some special occasion, why don’t you at least try on the dress Emily?’ said Clare.
The dress certainly looked enticing.
‘But what if the owner gets in contact?’
‘I honestly don’t think she'll do so before Saturday. Even if she did, it is equally unlikely that she'll fly back from the United States to collect one suitcase. I guess that she'll probably decide to pocket your holiday money as partial compensation and put the rest down to experience, or else claim it off her travel insurance. Even if she eventually gets in touch with the relevant lost property office they do not have your address.’
‘Actually they didn’t even want to take a note of my mobile phone number,’ I added.
‘So she is not going to turn up suddenly on your doorstep demanding her dress back. Remember also that it was not your fault that your case was taken, she left you without anything to wear and so I don’t think anyone would blame you for making use of what she has left behind.’
‘That outfit does look nice, I suppose it would do no harm if I were to try it on,’ I said.
My colleagues both agreed, and so I took off my skirt and top. Clare helped me into the dress and zipped it for me. It seemed to fit me pretty well and showed off my new cleavage quite nicely without giving away that I was wearing false breasts. She then passed me the matching shoes to put on and they too fitted me. Finally, she put on the necklace for me. I looked at myself in the mirror and suddenly realised that I wanted to wear that dress to Anne’s birthday dinner more than anything else.
‘What do you think?’ I asked my friends.
‘It looks pretty good to me’ said Clare.
Jenny was a little more critical.
‘I think we have certainly found your dress for Saturday evening, but there are still a number of details that will need sorting out. The colour of your tights is wrong, but I noticed there were a set of co-ordinating underwear and a packet of light grey stockings in the case which have not been used. They would look better. Also, your hair colour is not quite right for that dress. Would you mind taking off the wig for a moment please Emily?’
I did as she instructed, and she took a brush and attempted to style my own hair. I caught sight of myself in the mirror and did not think I looked too bad, even without the wig.
‘I thought so! Your natural hair colour goes better with the colour of the dress than the wig, but unfortunately your hair is not long enough for us to be able to style it properly. I noticed that there are some hair extensions in that bag that are fairly close to your own colour. Would you be willing let me dye your hair a shade darker, and then we could use the hair extensions? I could put them in for you and put your hair up so that you would look really great,’ she said.
‘I don’t know’ I said, ‘will the dye be permanent?’
‘It would wash out after a few weeks, but in any event your hair would not look at lot different colour than it does now.’
‘How long would the hair extensions have to stay in place?’ I asked.
She shrugged.
‘That depends upon you. We could clip them in place just for the evening, but it would be safer for me to sew them. Then they could stay in for as long as you wanted keep them up to about six weeks,’ she answered. ‘I suggest you keep them in for as long as you keep your finger nails and your new breast forms in place. You would be able to wash your hair whilst they are still in place.’
‘I don’t know Clare, this is all getting quite serious; what do you think I should do?’ I asked my cousin.
‘I think Jenny’s right, you should use the hair extensions and wear the lovely dress to Anne’s dinner. Then you will be able to give her the surprise of her life,’ she said smiling.
‘Emily, if you agree to go ahead I will devote the whole of my Saturday to making you both look absolutely stunning and put Karen and Anne into the shade,’ said Jenny.
‘That is very kind of you since you are not even invited to the meal,’ I said.
‘Don’t worry about that, I'll quite enjoy the challenge of making you look beautiful,’ said Jenny. ‘However, if we do go ahead I'm going to need your full co-operation and no arguments about what you wear or how we style your hair.’
‘Oh please agree Emily, you have just admitted to us that you enjoy passing yourself off as a young woman. It'll be really good fun getting ready together and I know you'll look really great,’ added Clare.
‘If I were to go to the dinner on Saturday and afterwards, would you promise to stay with me throughout the evening?’
‘Yes of course,’ said Clare.
‘But what about my plans for us to buy some more clothes for Chris this morning?’ I asked.
‘I suggest you keep your one set of Chris’s clothes clean and at the ready in case of emergencies — for example if Mum were to come home unexpectedly,’ said Clare. ‘You already have a clean dress and underclothes ready for work tomorrow. If the owner of the suitcase has not been in touch by tomorrow night then you can reasonably start wearing her other clothes as well. That way you would have plenty of spare clothes to wear for work next week. I think you should therefore defer buying anything else for Chris until this time next week, by which time you'll have been paid in full. That way you can use the money you got last night for some cosmetics and hair dye and also to buy my sister a birthday card and a present.’
I'd already made up my mind before she finished talking, but decided it might look better if I considered for a while before answering. After a few moments I shrugged my shoulders and sighed.
‘Very well then I'll give it a go if Jenny will help me to get ready and Clare promises not to leave me alone after the meal.’
Both my companions seemed genuinely delighted with my decision and hugged and kissed me.
‘I suppose it would've been a shame to remove these lovely long nails, just as I was getting used to wearing them,’ I commented looking at my fingers.
I took off the dress and we hung it in my wardrobe. I put on Anne’s skirt and top once again and we then started to compile a list of everything we were going to need for the next few days.
‘I'm afraid that if we are going to put your hair up you will need pierced ears Emily. You'll want to wear those earrings and the necklace which go with the outfit,’ said Clare.
‘The sooner they are done the better, to give the holes a chance to settle down. Would you mind if we did them now and put some studs in until Saturday?’ said Jenny.
‘Alright then,’ I said. ‘As long as you know what you are doing.’
Clare collected a pair of studs from her room, and Jenny procured two pieces of ice from the freezer, a long needle which she began to sterilize in boiling water, and some antiseptic spray. She put a cross in each ear lobe. She then proceeded to freeze each lobe in turn and then quickly stab it with the needle and insert the stud, finally finishing off with an antiseptic spray. It was not a pleasant experience but not as bad as I thought and was quickly over.
‘By Saturday afternoon we should be in a position to replace these studs with those earrings’ she commented.
‘Jenny, I'm really looking forward to seeing Karen and Anne’s faces when we make our entrance. Is there any way we can keep the details of our plans a secret from them until Saturday evening?’ asked Clare.
‘I could ask Mum if you two can stay in our spare room tonight and tomorrow night. If she agrees, we could take your clothes over there this afternoon until we need them on Saturday. Karen already knows that you'll both be working tomorrow lunch time and in the evening, and we could always invent another job for Saturday lunch time which will provide you with an excuse for staying a second night. All you need to do will be to phone your sisters and arrange a time to meet them at the restaurant,’ said Jenny.
(Next time At last I get to go shopping)
by Louise Anne Smithson
Chapter 7
A shopping expedition
The three of us eventually left for our shopping trip at about midday on Thursday, with me dressed in Anne’s skirt and top, Jenny’s wig and Clare’s high heels, and also with her studs in my ears. Fortunately the weather was warm enough for me not to need any coat. I had now spent two full days dressed as a girl, and felt reasonably confident that I would not be recognised or challenged out in the street.
We went first of all to the local branch of 'Boots the Chemist', taking with us one of the hair extensions so we could find a matching hair dye, which I purchased. We then proceeded to the 'House of Fraser' department store in the High Street where both Clare and I bought a birthday present and a card for Anne. In my case it was a set of matching lingerie to make up for the items she had previously given to me. It proved to be quite fun choosing underwear, even though they were not going to be for me to wear, and I did not find it in the least embarrassing when I took them to the counter to pay. In fact I felt a small frisson of pleasure as the assistant addressed me as Madam. Afterwards, we made our way over to the cosmetics counter.
‘Emily, you're going to need a stronger coloured nail varnish and a matching lipstick to go with your outfit on Saturday,’ said Jenny. ‘I'm afraid the colour you have been wearing just won’t work with the blue dress.’
‘Alright, what do you suggest?’ I asked.
‘I think a brighter red would probably look good on you,’ she answered, ‘What do you think Clare?’
‘You're the beauty expert,’ said my cousin, ‘I suggest that Emily should follow your advice until she becomes a little more experienced.'
Having chosen the lipstick and nail varnish we moved on to the subject of eye shadow.
“You've rather nice grey/blue eyes, so we'll have to look for a combination of three colours to suit them,’ said Jenny. ‘You don't want your eye shadow to deflect attention from your eyes.’
‘Alright,’ I said, not entirely sure what she meant.
‘Hmm, I think you already have a medium shade suitable for your eyelids among those cosmetics that we gave you, but you'll also need a lighter shade for the outer half of your brow bone below your eyebrow to 'open' your eyes. We can then 'deepen' your eyes by using a darker eye shadow in the crease between your eyelid and your brow.”
‘Just tell me what colours to buy, I’ll just have to wait and see what it looks like on Saturday,’ I replied.
Choosing cosmetics also proved to be fun and an education in itself. I'd never really thought about what colours might go together and why, and how something as seemingly minor as a lipstick or eye shadow could make all the difference in the world to how one looked. I clearly had a lot to learn and would need to rely on the advice of my friends for some time to come.
Jenny asked to leave us for ten minutes at this point as she wanted to make a purchase of her own, and so I used the opportunity to have a word with my cousin.
‘Clare, I've not spent as much as I originally intended, and think I ought to buy Jenny a small present to thank her for all her efforts, do you have any ideas what I might get?’
Clare smiled, but mentioned a CD that her friend liked and so I quickly slipped off to the relevant department and managed to return and put it in one of the shopping bags before Jenny came back. She returned herself a few minutes later, carrying a paper bag, but did not volunteer what was inside, and so I imagined it was something very personal. This secretiveness struck me as being a little odd, as hitherto throughout our shopping trip both my companions had treated me exactly as if I were a young woman. We'd sympathised with Clare’s period pains, and they had directed me to the ladies toilet when I needed to go and surreptitiously helped me to repair my makeup afterwards.
We returned to my aunt’s home at about four, and I quickly rang the lost property offices for one last time. On this occasion I was hoping against hope that there would be no news about my case, and indeed there was none. I apologised for the trouble and told them that I wouldn't bother ringing them again. As far as I was concerned the American girl had taken my clothes and pocketed my cash, and so the contents of her suitcase were now mine to use as I wished.
‘Alright Jenny, there's still no sign of my suitcase so you can go ahead and do your worst on me on Saturday.’
‘Great we will make a start by dyeing your hair tonight. We'll all be working tomorrow so I'll need you both up at eight o'clock on Saturday.’
‘I don’t believe that it is going to take twelve hours just to get ready to go out on Saturday evening,’ I answered.
‘Now then Emily, remember that you agreed this morning that we're going to do things properly, so I want to hear no arguments. We'll first need to wax your arms, legs, and armpits again then fix your hair extensions.’
‘But Jenny, you and Clare waxed my legs and arms on Monday and they still feel pretty smooth to me,’ I protested, running my fingers over them.
‘No arguments, young lady! I'm determined that you are going to look immaculate on Saturday night,’ she said.
We just had enough time to collect everything that Clare and I would need for the next two days before my two elder cousins were due to return home from work. We carefully put the clothes and cosmetics that we would be wearing into some plastic carrier bags, and then rang to beg a lift from Joyce. In the meanwhile, I carefully repacked the remainder of the clothes in the suitcase and returned it to the top of my wardrobe in my room.
'My goodness Emily, how did you acquire those impressive looking breasts,’ asked Joyce, as she arrived to collect us
‘They're silicone breast forms. I'm borrowing them from Karen’s work for the weekend. Once they're in place they are quite a job to remove,’ I replied.
‘That’s why they're staying here, they're both going out to a very posh dinner dance on Saturday night and so I'm going to help them to get ready and ensure that they both look stunning,’ said Jenny.
‘It is my sister Anne’s 21st birthday and Mum has bought tickets for us to go out to a dinner dance, it was Anne’s idea that Emily rather than Chris should be invited,’ added Clare.
‘Are you sure your mother knows your whereabouts for the next two nights?’
‘Mum is away at Sheffield looking after my gran, and so my sister Karen is responsible for us all,’ said Clare. ‘She knows where we are and will tell our respective mothers when they ring tonight. I promise you that there will be no problem.’
‘I hope not,’ she replied. ‘I just hope you all know what you're doing.’
‘We'll be fine, honestly,’ said Clare
Joyce shook her head for a second time, but also smiled.
‘I'll be out for most of Saturday so you'll have to look after yourselves, but I should be back by tea time. If you like I'll give you a lift into town during the evening.’
‘Thanks that would be great.'
‘However, before we worry about Saturday there are two big catering jobs tomorrow and we need to make an early start, so I don’t want you girls staying up chatting all night,’ said Joyce. ‘I'll have some breakfast ready by seven thirty and I want everyone, dressed and ready by eight. You don’t need to go to town on your makeup, just enough to look smart. You'll also find some clean uniforms in your rooms.’
After tea I telephoned Karen to see whether my mum had been in touch. She'd gone out, but Anne told me that Mum had just rung and had been told that I was staying with a friend together with Clare.
‘Was she alright about the arrangement?’
‘Yes of course, I told her that you had found yourself a temporary job and were getting on very well and were no trouble to anyone. She said that she'd ring again on Sunday evening and hoped to speak with you then. My mum also rang, Gran’s condition is gradually improving but she's still intending to be a way for the whole of next week, so if you get any more job offers I should take them. I also mentioned that you and Clare were staying with Jenny, and she too was happy about the arrangement.
‘Thanks for doing that Anne.’
‘You're welcome, but I now want you to confirm that Emily will be coming to my birthday meal tomorrow.’
‘I thought Clare had already told you so.’
‘She had but I want to hear you promise me as well.’
‘Alright, I promise. In fact I still have Karen’s breast forms stuck in place and have just remembered that I forgot to bring the solvent, so you can be sure that I won't be trying to remove them until after the meal on Saturday.’
‘Good!’
She sounded both relieved and excited.
‘Anne, I want you and Karen to remember your promise that there'll be no jokes or references to Chris during the evening.’
‘I know, Karen and I have already spoken to the lads and we promise that everyone will behave themselves and that there will be no teasing. By the way, have you decided what to wear tomorrow?’
‘I am afraid that's going to be a surprise. You'll have to wait to tomorrow to find out, but I promise that I'll not let you down on your birthday.’
‘In that case I’ll see you tomorrow.
During the course of the evening Clare checked that my newly pierced ears were alright and sprayed on some more antiseptic, then Jenny used the dye that we'd bought to darken my hair.
‘So how do you feel about being Emily?’ she asked as she began to apply it to my hair.
‘I am not sure really, things seem to have happened so fast this week, almost out of my control, that I've not really had a chance to take stock of how I feel. I'll let you know tomorrow,’ I replied.
‘But you said to my Mum that you enjoyed working as a waitress,’ said Jenny.
‘Yes I do. I've had great fun working with you two, but this is going a stage further than just going out to work as a girl. I'm rather worried about how I'll manage tomorrow night,’ I replied.
‘Why should that be? Karen and Anne have both seen you as Emily and been very encouraging,’ she asked.
‘Yes but it's the guys that bother me. I don't know how to react or what I'll say to them.’
‘You've spoken to lots of men at work over the last few days, and haven’t had any problems,’ said Jenny.
‘I know, but I don’t think any of them realised that I wasn't really a woman,’ I said.
‘Just be yourself, Emily. You already look and sound like a real woman, and by the time we have finished with you will look so lovely that they'll not dare to make fun of you. When you go in to the hall just tell yourself that you're the best looking woman in the room,’ said Jenny.
‘Thank you very much,’ said Clare in mock anger.
My hair did not look dramatically different after she'd finished, but when she held up the extensions, I could see in the mirror that they now matched my new colour.
‘I suggest that you wear the wig again at work tomorrow, and then we'll sort out the extensions on Saturday,’ said Jenny.
‘How exactly to they work,’ I asked.
‘These ones can be clipped into place, but your hair is not really long enough to hold them securely or full enough so that the clips will not be visible. It would be safer and look better if I were able to sew them on to braids,’ she said.
‘Just as long as I can take them out easily when I need to,’ I replied.
‘You'll be able to take them out, but it might take a little more time.’
The three of us continued to chat about clothes, hairstyles and our favourite music just as if we were three girl friends and I again felt a feeling of warmth and friendship to my companions that I'd never experienced among my male acquaintances. Yet I was also aware that it would not be the same if I were now dressed as Chris rather than Emily.
After a while the subject moved on to boys. Neither of my new friends was currently in a steady relationship, but they'd both had several boyfriends and were quite experienced in dealing with them. They shared some funny stories with me, and gave me a few tips on how to avoid getting involved with unwanted admirers.
‘There'll be quite a number of young people dancing after the meal tomorrow tonight,’ said Clare. ‘What are you going to do if someone asks you to dance?’
‘It'll depend on whether or not I fancy him,’ I said joking. ‘I guess I'll not mind dancing as long as he doesn't expect to go home with me afterwards.’
‘You never know, you might meet someone you really fancy,’ said Clare.
‘Have you ever had a girlfriend as Chris?’
‘No, I was always too shy to ask anyone out,’ I answered blushing.
‘I thought so. Are you gay then,’ asked Jenny.
‘To be honest, I don’t know. I've been agonising about my sexuality ever since I started to dress as Emily. I've always preferred the company of women and have never yet met any man that I fancied. However, I must admit that so far I'm quite enjoying myself as Emily and don't think that any girl is going to fancy me dressed as a woman.’
‘Just wait and see, there's no hurry,’ said Jenny. ‘For tomorrow evening I suggest you wear an engagement ring, it'll give off the signal that any man you meet can look and admire but mustn't touch,’ said Jenny.
There isn't much to relate about the following day. We were ready on time, worked hard, enjoyed ourselves, and in doing so earned quite a bit of money including some more tips. It was nearly midnight when we eventually returned to Jenny’s house. There'd been a couple of minor mishaps during the course of the day, but nothing disastrous and the clients were probably unaware of the problems. Certainly, we did nothing sufficiently wrong to stop the clients using Joyce’s catering service again, or indeed any one of us from being employed again. As before, we worked well as a team and got on well with one another and the other caterers. For some reason I was finding it far easier to be warm, friendly, and confident with members of the public whilst dressed as Emily than ever I did as Chris.
During my break on Friday afternoon Joyce asked whether I’d had any further thoughts about working the following week, as she had just received another commission and now had some work available for us on nearly every day.
‘I really need to know now Emily, as otherwise I'll have to arrange for some agency staff,’ she said.
‘I understand from my cousin that my aunt is planning to be away for the whole of next week, and so if Clare and Jenny are happy to work, then so am I.’
‘Good, I am pleased, you three are very good workers.’
(Next time I get ready to go out to the dance)
by Louise Anne Smithson
Chapter 8
Getting ready to go out
In the event, Jenny did not drag us out of bed at some unearthly hour on Saturday morning, but we were all of us up by nine a.m. When she examined my legs I was also excused another waxing and instead was permitted to go over them with her female electric razor to remove the tiny traces of soft hair that were just beginning to emerge, whilst she gave Clare the full wax treatment. Jenny did however insist on us both using the depilatory cream on our armpits once again, but this was no great problem for me as I'd only recently started to grow any hair under my armpits, and so it was no problem getting used to the idea of not having any once again.
Whilst Jenny finished waxing Clare’s legs I had my shower, using her perfumed shower gel, and washed my hair again, to get rid of any lingering smell from working in the kitchens. This was the third shower I'd taken with my breast forms in place and I was beginning to get used to the feel of them. I was a little surprised that they seemed to be just as firmly fixed to my chest as when they were stuck on for the first time. It was clearly going to be essential to use the proprietary solvent to remove them if I was going to do so without inflicting damage to myself or the breast forms.
After the shower I dried myself carefully using talcum powder then put on a clean bra and knickers taken from the suitcase left behind by the American. I was no longer concerned that she might someday want to reclaim her clothes. I assumed that she regarded it as too late for either of us to remedy the situation — she would keep my money and I would keep her clothes. I was just about to go in to the toilet when Jenny stopped me.
‘Can you hold on for ten minutes please Emily? As soon as Clare's finished in the shower she and I have some intimate work to do to disguise your penis and testicles,’ she said. ‘We'll need to ensure that we do not strap them down too tightly or else you'll never be able to go to the toilet. I promise it won't hurt, although it might feel a little uncomfortable to begin with.’
‘Where on earth did you get this idea from,’ I asked.
‘Nowhere on Earth, I got it from the internet, from a web site offering advice to female impersonators to ensure that there's no give-away bulge between their legs when they wear tight dresses,’ she announced.
‘You certainly appear to have carried out plenty of background research,’ I commented.
As soon as Clare was finished I was asked to take off my knickers and lie down, and my two companions began their task of hiding my manhood.
‘Don’t be embarrassed about this Emily; we've both seen a penis before and in any event will be using rubber gloves,’ said Clare smiling to her friend.
They began by shaving the pubic hair above my penis and on the tops of my legs. My organ started to grow involuntarily as Clare held it out of the way of the razor but then she gave the tip a quick tap with a pencil and it almost immediately resumed its normal size.
‘That technique was taught to me by Karen,’ she said; ‘nurses sometimes have to use it when they are bathing male patients.’
‘Before we strap it out of the way we need your testes back inside the body, but don’t worry they'll drop down again as soon as it is released.’
Jenny went to the kitchen and returned with a damp flannel from out of a plastic box which had been in the freezer and placed it over my testicles. I felt a small sensation as the muscle contracted and the contents of my scrotum rose into my body. It then became far easier to bend back my penis between my legs, so that there was no sign of any bulge. She proceeded to hold it in place with strips of sticking plaster. She then took a broad length of plaster and attached it above my penis on the right, then crossing over and covering the left testicle and sticking to the top of my left leg. She then repeated the same process on the other side. A fourth piece was stuck across the top. Only the tip of my penis was not covered.
‘From now onwards I'm afraid you'll have to urinate from a sitting position like the rest of us,’ she said. ‘Now go to the toilet and see if you can manage alright.’
I sat for a while on the toilet seat unable to go, but eventually after a minute of trying, I felt my bladder to be emptying into the pan. As they predicted, it was uncomfortable rather than painful, but I suspected that I probably could get used to the new plumbing arrangements. I carefully wiped the tip of my penis with some toilet paper, pulled up my knickers and washed my hands before emerging.
‘So how did you get on?’
‘Alright, I think.’
‘It would be best for you to go little and often rather than saving it up, and whatever you do don’t try and drink large quantities of beer on Saturday night,’ said Jenny. ‘You'll have to learn to be ladylike and sip your drinks.’
‘I'm not yet old enough to drink alcohol,’ I commented.
‘Good, but by the time we have finished you'll probably look more than eighteen so don’t get tempted,’ she replied
‘What if I were to become sexually aroused,’ I asked.
‘In that case I would suggest you turn your mind to something else pretty quickly, it'll be difficult for blood to rush to your penis if it is strapped between your legs and I imagine it'll also be quite uncomfortable,” said Clare, ‘although I cannot speak from experience,’
‘Before you put the rest of your clothes on, we've some more padding to stick on to enhance your hips and buttocks,’ said Jenny.
By the time they finished much of the area below my waist was covered with strips of flesh coloured sticking plaster and padding, but once I put on a pair of knickers it was mostly hidden and I now had a more female looking silhouette. There was a matching suspender belt in the case, but Jenny rather suggested that I borrowed her basque instead, which had suspenders attached.
‘It'll give you an hour glass figure, and make the dress fit even better,’ she said.
I tried it on, as instructed. It felt good to wear.
‘It seems to be a little tight for me, but I guess that is what it's supposed to do,’ I said.
‘You're beginning to get the right idea Emily, but you can take it off for the time being,’ said Jenny.
‘What about when it comes to taking off this sticking plaster,’ I asked.
‘You'll need to take a long bath before you do so,’ said Clare ‘but it should be good for a week or two as long as you keep it clean and dry.’
‘I am not staying trussed up like this for a week or two,’ I answered, ‘my agreement was for Saturday only.’
‘Yes but I hope you'll at least keep it in place on Sunday as well, otherwise I won’t get to see the results of my handiwork,’ said Jenny.
‘Alright then maybe on Sunday as well,’ I replied.
‘Then of course there's another big catering job next Monday,’ added Clare smiling.
‘This is beginning to sound like a conspiracy,’ I said in a concerned voice. ‘I don't need to have my private parts stuck down like this just to work as a waitress.’
‘Alright then, as long as you do what we ask for today, it'll be up to you what you decide to wear thereafter. We promise not to put pressure on to you,’ said Clare.
It was now nearly ten o’clock and I was loaned a housecoat and a pair of furry slippers to wear and we all stopped to eat some breakfast.
‘The next thing on my list is to sort out Emily’s hair extensions,’ said Jenny to Clare, ‘it's going to take me until lunch time. After that I'll style the hair of both of you and then fix your makeup. Is there anything you want to be doing in the meanwhile?’
‘I could trim, and polish her toe nails if that'll help, and then I'll sort out our clothes and makeup for tonight.’
‘Yes that will be helpful, thanks,’ said Jenny.
‘I didn't think my toes would be visible in those high-heeled shoes,’ I said.
‘Maybe not, but it'll be just one more detail to give you confidence in your looks, and in any event you might be run over on the way and you would want to look your best in the hospital,’ said Clare smiling.
‘Thanks for the kind thought,’ I answered.
I sat in an upright chair for nearly three hours whilst Jenny partially dried my hair and created two rows of tiny braids of my hair along the sides and round the back of my head. These were sewn together to create the tracks for my new extensions. They were quite tight and a little uncomfortable at first as they were deliberately kept as close to the scalp as possible.
‘Will they always feel like this?’ I asked.
‘No, you'll soon get used to them, and in a day or two you'll not notice them at all,’ she replied.
‘What about tonight?’
‘You'll probably still be able to feel them, but I imagine your mind will be on other things by then.’
Jenny sewed the hair pieces to the braids in such a way that the attachments were not visible. In the meanwhile I could feel Clare working on my toe nails and painting them with clear varnish. She then removed the existing nail varnish from my fingers and started to replace it with several coats of the new colour that I had bought. As they were working Clare asked me how I was feeling.
‘I'm feeling uncomfortable down below and on my scalp, and of course the basque is going to be a little constricting but in every other respect I'm feeling fine,’ I said with a note of sarcasm.’
I expect you’ll get used to it. After all, you can’t expect to look truly beautiful without suffering a little discomfort,’ she answered.
After she had finished attaching the extensions, Jenny began to trim my hair and lift it in to an elaborate style. In the meanwhile Clare made us all some lunch. There was a full-length mirror in Jenny’s bedroom but she had covered it with a cloth. When Jenny was finished with my hair I asked to have a look at myself in the mirror but she refused saying that she and Clare were going to make all the decisions about my appearance today and that I should wait until they were entirely finished when I could see the full effect of their work all at once.
‘Next time I'll show you how to fix up your hair and we'll give you some advanced lessons in makeup,’ she said.
‘You seem to be very confident that there'll be a next time,’ I commented.
‘Yes, I am, and by the time I am finished with you I think you'll feel the same,’ she replied.
The first job after lunch was to wash and style Clare’s hair, and Jenny gave me a few basic lessons in hairdressing and left me to put in her rollers by myself. I felt that I made a respectable job of it even though I had only just got used to having long finger nails. Once Clare was under the hairdryer Jenny showed me how to manicure and polish my cousin’s nails, again leaving me to finish the job, but later checking to make sure that it had been done properly.
‘I don’t want either of you to say anything about the other until I'm finished with you both. I'll then call in my mum and uncover the mirror and you can both admire yourselves and each other,’ said Jenny.
By half past three we'd finished with Clare and so we stopped for a cup of tea. I went to the toilet again and found it a little bit easier to go on this occasion and was less conscious of the sticking plaster down below.
Half an hour later, Clare and I were at last permitted to change into the lingerie that we would be wearing. As I would be wearing Jenny’s basque, I selected a pair of white silk knickers, and a matching camisole top, together with the light grey stockings. I had never worn stockings before and so Clare showed me how to gather them up and then carefully slide them over each leg and to attach them to the suspenders. I felt really quite sexy in my underclothes and wished that I could see myself in the mirror, but my friends were adamant that I should wait.
‘Clare would you start to put on your own foundation whilst I thin out Emily’s eyebrows a little,’ said Jenny. ‘After that I'll finish your face off and then we can work together on Emily.’
‘I hope you're not going to make my eyebrows look too girly as it will take weeks for them to grow again,’ I said.
‘Emily, we agreed there will no arguments today,’ she said firmly. ‘We aren't going to spoil the overall effect with shaggy eyebrows, particularly as we've gone to so much trouble so far. If necessary, you'll be able to make them look thicker with an eyebrow pencil afterwards.’
‘Alright, I'm in your hands Jenny but please remember that I'll have to change back to Chris when my aunt returns.’
‘I'm afraid you'll just have to trust me,’ she said.
Jenny spent about ten minutes plucking and shaping my eyebrows until she was satisfied with them, and I was again forbidden from looking at myself in the mirror. By this time Clare was ready for her face to be made up, and so for the next half an hour I watched carefully as Jenny gave me a running commentary about each of the cosmetics she was using; explaining why a particular colour had been chosen and how to achieve the best effects with it. Clare’s rather young and fairly bland looking face was gradually transformed into a smouldering beauty. Jenny clearly was an artist when it came to applying makeup. I thought to myself that I could never look as good as that. At last Jenny declared herself to be satisfied. Clare was also now refused access to any mirror.
‘Alright Emily, let’s see what we can do for you now,’ she said.
I sat down and they covered me with a cape so the makeup did not get on my underwear. Once again Jenny gave a running commentary on what she was doing, with Clare also contributing from time to time.
‘You're lucky to have such naturally long eyelashes, many girls would give their eye-teeth for them,’ said Clare. ‘You also have a pretty face; in fact you make a far better looking girl than you do a boy.’
‘I'm not sure whether I should feel pleased or embarrassed about that,’ I said.
‘I'm glad to say that I have never seen you dressed as a boy, but I can confirm that you'll look lovely tonight,’ said Jenny. ‘But no more comments until your both are finished.’
They must have taken at least forty-five minutes over my make-up, and finished with a couple of squirts of perfume. Then they carefully removed each of my ear studs and replaced them with the expensive looking earrings which dangled down my neck.
‘It looks as if the holes have healed up alright and so you should be able to do this yourself next time. However, remember to replace the earrings with the studs each night for the next few days to make sure that the holes do not begin to close up again.’
Jenny then helped the two of us put on our dresses and high heeled shoes. Clare then put on some earrings and a necklace. She looked absolutely gorgeous in a pink dress and matching shoes. At the same time Jenny helped me to put on the matching necklace and loaned me an imitation diamond ring that would pass of an engagement ring.
Eventually Jenny was satisfied with us both. She called in her mother and I noticed her jaw dropped in surprise as she saw us both, but she said nothing. Jenny then ceremonially removed the sheet covering the mirror.
I stood there transfixed, unable to believe my eyes. If Clare looked beautiful, then it was no exaggeration to say that I looked stunning in my light blue dress, with long hair piled up on top of my head and sparkling earrings dangling from my ear lobes. I'd got used to seeing myself wearing a wig and makeup over the last few days, but this was something entirely different. My eyes shone from beneath sultry eyelids and lashes; my complexion looked flawless; my lips looked enticing. I was so surprised that I had to reach out to steady myself and then caught sight of my immaculate lacquered finger nails. Although I had seen myself appear as a convincing young woman on a number of occasions, this was altogether something else. I felt and looked truly lovely, as did Clare.
‘I think you both look truly wonderful,’ said Joyce, ‘Jenny you have done an excellent job on both of them.’
‘I'd give you both a kiss, but it would to spoil your makeup,’ said Jenny, ‘but instead I want to take some photographs of my handiwork.’ She took out her digital camera and proceeded to take another series of pictures.
‘Clare you look lovely,’ I said to my cousin.
‘You do as well, Emily, we’ll really knock ‘em dead this evening,’ she replied.
‘Thank you Jenny, I think we both look great and I'm only sorry that you won’t be joining us,’ I said. ‘I know it's not very much but I've bought you a CD as a thank you present.’
Jenny smiled and thanked me.
‘Clare and I have also bought something for you as a thank you present for being such a good sport.’
She handed me a brown paper bag which contained a pink nightdress and matching slippers.
‘They are for you to wear tonight rather than those boyish pyjamas,’ she said. ‘I will be calling round first thing tomorrow to find out how you both got on. I'll also bring a disk containing your photographs,’ she said.
(Next time Clare and I go to the dance and meet some of her friends.)
Chapter 9
Anne’s Birthday Celebration
Clare had decided that we would probably make more impact if we made our ‘grand entrance’ at the hotel rather than at my cousins’ home, beforehand. We therefore wanted to ensure that Karen and Anne and their respective boyfriends had left for the restaurant before we arrived home to drop off our belongings. Clare therefore checked rang the house phone just before we left to ensure that no-one was there to answer. Once we were sure that the coast was clear, we drove to the house, carried in our various belongings and hurriedly stowed them in our respective bedrooms. My cousin loaned me a black coat to wear over my dress for the journey.
‘This should look alright with your dress tonight. I'll borrow something from mum’s wardrobe that will do for me.’
‘Thanks,’ I replied.
‘Now make sure that you've everything you might need in your handbag.’
‘You'd better tell me what I'm likely to need, just in case,’ I replied.
‘Have you brought some lipstick, mascara, face powder, concealer, paper handkerchiefs, your keys, and some money in a purse,’ she said checking through her own bag. ‘You might also add a safety pin and a Tampax in case of emergencies.’
‘I've everything apart from the last mentioned,’ I said.
‘Here you are,’ she said handing me one, ‘it'll add a note of authenticity to your appearance in case anyone should have cause to glimpse inside your bag.’
‘Thanks,’ I said, blushing a little at the idea.
‘You'd better take a couple of these as well,’ she said handing me some condoms.
‘I'm not sixteen yet. I assure you that I'll have no need of those tonight,’ I said.
‘Well you never know,’ she said putting them into my handbag, ‘you now look much older and it is better to be safe than sorry.’
I took one last look at myself in the mirror before leaving to join the others in the car. This was partly to renew my confidence but also to confirm that I had not missed anything really obvious in my appearance that might give me away. I took a deep breath as I looked at my reflection, and felt as if I had now passed a significant milestone. With my hair up and my face made up and with nice jewellery, I looked just like a poised and sophisticated young woman. Moreover, it was not just a question of my looks, I now felt like a woman as well, and was ready to face the greatest trial in Emily’s brief career.
We carefully climbed in to the car, so as not to crease our dresses and Jenny and Joyce drove us to the town centre, so that we were only about ten minutes late by the time they dropped us off outside the restaurant.
‘I hope you girls have a really good time this evening, and the best of luck to you Emily,’ said Joyce as we got out of the car.
‘Just remember what I said. You both look lovely, and Emily, nobody could ever suspect you weren't a genetic woman just by looking at you, so now it is up to you to ensure that you behave like one as well,’ said Jenny.
‘Thanks again for all your help and support, I’ll do the best that I can,’ I said.
‘I’ll call round tomorrow to find out how you got on,’ she said and then the car drove away.
I let Clare take the lead as we walked to the dining area. Several heads turned in our direction as we entered the room. We were attracting attention, but for the right reason. I could see were being admired by a number of the other diners, notably the men. It felt really nice to be noticed in this way. A waiter approached and greeted us and offered to help us with our coats. He then led us to our table, where our companions were already busy talking with one another and so they did not notice our approach. The four were almost as smartly dressed as we were, the two lads wore dark suits and my cousins wore smart dresses with immaculate coiffure and makeup. Daniel, Anne’s boyfriend was the first to notice our arrival and greeted us. Anne then turned round and gasped in surprise.
‘My goodness what have you two been doing today? You both look fabulous,’ she said.
I blushed. Clare smiled triumphantly and thanked her sister whilst complimenting the whole group on their own appearance.
Karen then turned to me ‘Emily wherever did you get that beautiful dress, and the wonderful hair style?’
‘The dress came from the mad American woman who stole my suitcase, and the hair's courtesy of Clare’s friend Jenny,’ I replied.
‘Well they both suit you very well,’ she said.
I blushed again, and murmured my thanks, when Daniel came to my rescue.
‘Aren’t you going to introduce us to your cousin,’ he asked Anne.
‘Sorry, I was forgetting myself,’ she said. ‘Daniel, Jim, this is my cousin Emily from the south coast, she'll be staying with us for the summer.’
I shook hands with the lads and we sat down. The group had left us the seats at either end of an oblong table and so I took the seat between Karen and Daniel, and Clare sat at the other end between Anne and Jim. The conversation resumed as the meal began to be served, and we all congratulated Anne on her forthcoming birthday. I was glad that I was no longer the centre of the conversation, but noticed that both the young men and my elder cousins made furtive glances at me. I pretended not to notice, feeling both nervous and yet very happy. I also took great care to ensure that I did not eat or drink too much, and above all did not spoil the dress I was wearing. However, due to my nerves, I had to get up mid-way through the meal and go to go to the toilet, Anne decided to join me so she could have a few words in private.
‘Thanks for going to so much trouble for me tonight Emily, you look really great and we had no idea you'd look so good. You hair and makeup also look really professional.’
‘Thanks, it was my pleasure,’ I replied, feeling gratified. ‘It was Clare’s idea to keep our plans a secret and we could not have done it without the help of her friend Jenny.’
She certainly did a good job on your both,’ she replied and then noticed the ring on my left hand.
‘I'd no idea you were engaged, so who’s the lucky fellow?’
‘The ring is intended to send a ‘keep off,’ signal if we go dancing later. I don’t want some guy getting the wrong idea,’ I said smiling.
‘Good idea,’ she said. ‘The way you look would attract guys like bees round a honey pot. I can see it might otherwise leave you in a difficult situation.’
The dinner was a great success and a lot of fun. The food and drink were excellent and we all toasted Anne on her twenty-first birthday, even though we had previously been instructed to hold on to our birthday presents until the following day. The conversation was friendly, lubricated by several glasses of wine. (It did not occur to anyone to ask the ages of Clare and myself.) The table was sufficiently small for everyone to be involved in the general conversation or else talk with their immediate neighbour. The name of Chris, the loss of his luggage, my true sex and my current employment as a waitress did not feature in the conversation, and so I guess that the two lads had been instructed by my cousins beforehand as to the topics they might and might not raise. I gradually began to lose my feelings of nervousness and began to bask in the glow of knowing that I looked good and was being admired. Eventually at about 10.30 we all got up to go to the dance in the adjoining room. Karen and Daniel both decided to go to the toilet and Anne was talking to someone at a nearby table when Jim came over to me and said:
‘Emily, Karen has been having me on, hasn’t she?’
‘What do you mean,’ I asked innocently.
‘She said that you were really a guy named Chris who'd lost his luggage.’
I wanted to blush but managed to keep my cool.
‘And you believed her?’
‘I suppose I did — at least I did until I met you. But now I think she must have been trying to wind me up,’ he said.
‘I'm afraid you'll have to decide for yourself whether you trust your eyes or what you've been told, because I'm not prepared to prove it to you either way. You'll have to take me as you find me,’ I said smiling.
Karen returned at that point so he accepted my answer in good part.
‘Well done,’ whispered Clare into my ear a moment later, ‘you seem to be learning how to handle guys.’
Anne, Karen and their boyfriends knew several other couples who were attending the dance and they had arranged meet them in the bar after the meal. They were all in their early twenties. Clare and I were introduced to the others, and could tell that several of the guys would have been happy to chat to us if it were not for the fact that they were with their girlfriends and being kept on a tight rein for the evening. Jim bought us both a drink each, but after a while we began to feel a little out of place as we were the youngest in the party and didn’t know any of the others. As soon as we finished our drink we therefore went out onto the floor and started dancing with one another. I was now quite used to standing and walking in high-heels, but I had never tried to dance in them before and was a little anxious at first in case I fell over and made an exhibition of myself. Clare briefly explained to me the technique of putting my weight on the ball of my foot rather than my heels, to avoid tripping or twisting my ankle. At first I was not very adventurous in my dancing but after half an hour’s practice I was beginning to get the hang of things and truly joined in.
‘How are you enjoying the evening Emily,’ asked Clare after we had been dancing for forty minutes or so.
‘It's been good fun, except that my feet are now beginning to hurt,’ I replied.
‘Alright then let’s sit the next one out and take a rest.’
We found ourselves an empty table and were just discussing whether to get ourselves another drink when we were approached by two young men both aged about nineteen.
‘Hello Clare, I wasn't expecting to see anyone I knew in this place,’ said the first, a slim, fair-haired lad of above-average height.
‘Oh hi Geoff! No, I must admit this isn't one of my usual haunts, we're here with my elder sisters and their friends,’ she responded, pointing to the group on the other side of the dance floor. ‘It's Anne’s twenty-first birthday tomorrow.’
‘I was wondering why you were looking so particularly glamorous tonight,’ he said.
He then turned to his companion and introduced his friend Rob to her, who was a little shorter and darker-haired but with a better-looking face than Geoff.
‘Hello Rob,’ she replied. Then gesturing towards me she said ‘this is my cousin Emily from Sussex, she'll be staying with us for a few weeks.’
I smiled and acknowledged them both and they in turn greeted me.
‘We were just about to have a drink, can we get you ladies one,’ said Rob to the two of us.
Clare glanced at me and noting that I had not objected, she accepted the offer on behalf of us both. I asked for a fruit juice as I'd already drunk a glass of wine and a gin and tonic, and was not used to drinking alcohol. Geoff then sat down at our table and started talking to us both whilst Rob went for the drinks. It became apparent that he knew Clare from school, but had not seen her in some time as he had just completed his first year at university. Rob returned five minutes later with the drinks and sat down next to me, leaving Geoff to talk to Clare. We all continued chatting for ten minutes or so before Geoff invited Clare to dance, leaving Rob and me sitting at our table.
‘How do you like Shrewsbury Emily?’
‘So far it seems like a fairly nice town,’ I replied, ‘although I've not had much chance to look round yet. I've only been here for a week and have been working as a waitress on a number of occasions.’
‘I'd be happy to show you around any time,’ he replied.
‘Thanks for the offer,’ I said ‘but I'd better decline as I work most evenings, and in any event I have a fiancé at home in Sussex. He has had to go away with his work for a few weeks and so I decided to come and visit my cousins.’
He looked a little abashed.
‘You're very young to have got engaged.’
‘Maybe so, but if you're sure you have met the right guy then what is the point of hanging on,’ I replied.
‘But I trust that won’t stop you from dancing with me,’ he said smiling.
‘No I guess not, and I'm pretty sure that he would have no qualms about going out dancing whilst he is away.’
We joined the others on the dance floor and for the next hour danced together until just after 1.00am when Karen came over to speak to us.
‘You seem to be enjoying yourself Emily, but I'm responsible for ensuring that you get home safely tonight. Jim and I will be leaving in ten minutes and we'd like to give you both a lift home.’
‘That’s alright with me,’ I said ‘as long as Clare is agreeable.’
Clare exchanged mobile phone numbers with Geoff and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before leaving. I turned to Rob and smiled ruefully.
‘Thanks for the drink and for dancing with me tonight Rob, it's been an enjoyable evening,’ I said.
‘Thank you too. Perhaps we could meet together for a drink sometime,’ he asked.
I hesitated before answering.
‘Thanks, but I'd better not, but good luck for the future.’
‘You too,’ he replied sadly.
I felt such a heel to be turning him down that I gave him a kiss on the cheek before leaving with the others.
‘Geoff’s friend seemed to be very nice, and quite keen on you,’ whispered Clare as we walked back to the car out of earshot of Karen and Jim. ‘Will you be seeing him again?’
‘No, he was good company, but my life is quite complicated enough as it is without getting involved in a relationship as a girl, and in any event what would happen when he discovers I'm really a man,’ I replied.
‘So you didn’t tell him then.’
‘No, the subject did not come up in the conversation, and I don’t think he guessed. In any event I told him I was engaged.’
‘He might've been alright if he knew the truth, you never know,’ she mused.
‘I'd rather not take the risk, particularly in a public forum,’ I replied.
‘That's a pity because I've always quite liked Geoff and it might have been good fun for us to go out as a foursome,’ she said.
‘In that case why don’t you introduce him to Jenny if you think they might get on well together,’ I replied.
‘Would you mind if I did so?’
‘No, of course not, please go ahead.’
Clare and I went in to the house as soon as we arrived home, but Karen stayed outside sitting in the car and talking to Jim. There was no sign of Anne and her boyfriend.
‘Emily, you were an absolute triumph this evening, well done,’ said Clare as we went in. ‘However, I'd better help you to get changed and unpin your hair. Why don’t you go to your bedroom and take off your dress and shoes, then clean off your makeup. I'll call in a few minutes to sort out your hair.’
‘Alright,’ I replied.
I slipped out of my dress, and carefully hung it in the wardrobe, and replaced my shoes with my new slippers. I put my jewellery in a little tray on the dressing table, but replaced the earrings with a pair of studs. I then proceeded to clean off my makeup using cold cream. Ten minutes later Clare knocked and entered my room having changed into a dressing gown in the meanwhile.
‘Well done,’ she said inspecting my face for traces of makeup. ‘I saw some moisturising cream in your case, Put some on your hands and face before you go to bed to stop your skin from drying out during the night.’
‘Alright then,’ I answered and proceeded to do so.
Whilst I was dealing with my skin Clare undid my hair so that it fell down my back, before loosely tying it back using a ribbon.
‘We’ll have to work out how to style it in the morning,’ she said. ‘I’ll leave you now to get undressed.’ She kissed me on the cheek and left.
I changed out of my underclothes and put on my new nightdress and slippers. I went to the toilet, and although it was not as comfortable for me to urinate as previously I realised that I had not been particularly conscious of being taped down, and I saw no reason to try and remove the sticky tape, which inevitably would be time-consuming and painful. I had just finished and was about to get into bed when I heard a knock at my door. This time it was Karen.
‘Emily, sorry to call so late but I saw your light was still on. Anne and I suspected that you two were cooking up a surprise this evening but we'd no idea that you would both look so good. You were fabulous as a woman tonight.’
‘Thank you, but it was principally due to Clare and Jenny,’ I explained.
‘Yes, but it wasn't only your looks, it was your manner and voice as well. None of our friends in the club suspected anything unusual about you. However, it is too late for us to talk now but I want to hear all about it tomorrow. By the way where did you get the nightdress from,’ she asked.
‘It was given to me by Clare and Jenny. I replied.
‘I've a spare dressing gown that will go very well with that nightdress; you are very welcome to borrow it if you wish.’
‘Alright then,’ I answered.
Karen went to her room and returned a minute later with a pink dressing gown which she said I could keep. I thanked her and hung it on the back of the bedroom door. It was well after 2.00 am when I at last got into bed but I was not feeling sleepy. Instead I went through the events of the previous day, and then the previous week, in my mind. In spite of my success with working as a waitress, I had been quite nervous about the prospect of going out dressed as Emily. Now the night was over I felt a real sense of triumph that I had been able to pass successfully as a young woman in mixed company and had been universally admired. For the first time I allowed myself to wonder what it might be like if I were to choose to live as a woman full-time.
(Next time An unexpected arrival the following day.)
Chapter 10
Aunt Carol’s return
Despite my having fallen asleep so late, I woke at 7.00 on Sunday morning still feeling elated about the events of the previous evening. Clare and I weren't due to work until the following day, but there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to remain dressed as Emily for the day. In any event, I now had the breasts, long hair and finger nails in place and had also promised Jenny to remain as I was until she arrived. I'd now spent six and a half days as a woman and been promised some more work over the next week. Changing back to become Chris again would have been both time consuming and difficult to reverse on Monday. It was the last thing I wanted to do. Anne had also been very gracious about my triumph the previous night so I wanted to make the day special for her, if I could. I therefore decided that I would get up and make breakfast for everyone.
I took a shower taking care to keep the area between my legs as dry as possible and then put on some clean underclothes and looked through the remaining clothes left behind by the American, for something suitable to wear. It was a bright sunny day and so I chose a pink cotton summer dress and some sandals. I put on just enough makeup to show that I had made an effort and went downstairs.
My three cousins all came down between 9.30 and 10.00am, by which time I'd laid the table, poured some fruit juice for everyone, and even been out in to the garden to collect a vase of flowers for the table. I'd also prepared a large pot of coffee and was in the process of cooking some eggs and bacon. Everyone seemed to be in a good mood after last night, and whilst I finished preparing the breakfast the others watched as Anne opened her various presents and read her birthday cards.
‘Is there something there from Mum,’ asked Karen.
‘No she rang me yesterday to apologise that she hadn't been able to get out and do some shopping,’ replied Anne. ‘She said she'll give me a present when she sees me next weekend.’
‘Well I'm sure she has been busy with Gran, and she did at least pay for the meal last night.’
‘Yes I know, but she might at least have sent me a card; it is my twenty-first birthday,’ said Anne, sounding a little disappointed.
Over breakfast Anne thanked me for my present, and asked me if I'd chosen the items of lingerie myself. I explained that I'd done so with the assistance of Clare and Jenny.
‘I know I originally made a fuss about my having to go as Emily last night, but with hindsight I'm glad I did,’ I admitted. ‘In fact I really enjoyed the evening,’
‘I'm glad you came too. You certainly looked stunning: the eyeballs were nearly popping out of the boys’ heads,’ she replied.
I blushed.
‘If I looked ok last night, it was largely due to the work of Jenny and Clare.'
‘Maybe so, but you performed your role with poise and grace. You've also made a pretty good job of your appearance this morning,’ commented Karen.
‘Thanks,’ I replied feeling pleased with the compliment. ‘However I still haven't got the hang of coping with longer hair.’
‘It just takes a little practice,’ she replied. ‘Where did you get the dress you are wearing this morning?’
‘Clare suggested that I should begin to use the clothes left behind by the American girl.’
‘So what has happened to the clothes that you bought for Chris last Thursday?’ asked Anne.
‘I am afraid we used all the money I had to buy your present and some cosmetics,’ I replied blushing.
‘So it looks as if we'll be seeing quite a bit more of Emily rather than Chris over the next few days then,’ she asked.
‘I suppose so; if nobody minds,’ I answered.
Once again I began to blush a little, but decided to be completely honest with my cousins.
‘I had such a good time yesterday evening, as you all know. In fact I've enjoyed the whole of last week living and working as Emily, and have given up any hope of getting my own clothes or my money back. I'd like to remain as Emily until your mother comes back next weekend. By that time I'll have earned enough money to buy Chris set of replacement clothes and I’ll still have some spending money left for the remainder of the summer.’
‘Of course nobody is going to object,’ said Karen decisively, without even consulting the others; ‘we'll all be happy to have Emily stay with us for another week if that's what you want.’
Jenny came round to the house soon after breakfast, bringing a birthday card for Anne. She was also anxious to find out how Clare and I had got on during the previous evening. She joined us at the breakfast table where we compared notes, and then we had a look at the photographs of Clare and myself that she'd taken the previous evening, before we left. Anne and Karen likewise showed some pictures they'd taken on their mobile phones. Jenny also brought a message from her mother confirming that Clare and I would be needed to work on every weekday over the next week, and asking us to confirm that we'd be available. I briefly discussed our work schedule with my three cousins and checked that they were happy with the arrangements before agreeing that I'd like to do so.
Karen volunteered to do the washing up and Anne went to get herself ready as she was due to go out with her boyfriend in the afternoon. Jenny offered to show me how to deal with my new long hair and so we both went with Clare to her bedroom, where they sat me down in front of her mirror and proceeded to demonstrate how I should brush and clip my long hair into place over the next week. We also chatted about the events of the previous evening. Once again I found myself enjoying the fellowship of just being ‘one of the girls’; this was something that Chris had never really experienced before with members of his own sex.
‘I hear you were dancing with a guy last night Emily, what was he like?’
I coloured a little as I answered.
‘Yes he was quite nice and a good dancer,’ I replied.
‘So will you be seeing him again?’ she asked.
‘He offered to take me out, but I turned him down, claiming that I was busy working and also had a fiancé back home. After all, Emily will only be around for one more week, and it would be unfair to raise his hopes,’ I replied smiling.
Before anything more could be said on this subject Karen came in to the room, looking a little concerned.
‘Clare, mum has just arrived for a surprise visit to bring Anne her birthday present and a card. She's downstairs now talking to Anne and has asked where you and Chris were. I told her that you were upstairs with two friends, and that Chris had gone in to town.’
‘What are we going to tell her about Emily?’ asked Clare, suddenly looking quite worried.
‘I'm not going to tell her anything! Fortunately she is not planning to stay here tonight and will be leaving at about 4.00 pm and so she should have no reason to look in Emily’s bedroom. I suggest that the three of you come down together after a few minutes just to say hello and then Jenny and Emily should leave to go to Jenny’s house. Emily can then telephone me after a half hour or so, as if she were Chris, and ask permission to stay out for the rest of the day.’
‘Will it work?’ I asked.
‘It may do, but I can't think of anything else to do at the moment, other than making a clean breast of everything,’ she replied.
‘Alright, tell her we'll be down in ten minutes, in the meanwhile we'll quickly finish Emily’s hair and refresh her makeup,’ said Clare.
I'd not seen Aunt Carol for more than three years and so I was reasonably confident that she wouldn't recognise me, particularly dressed as I was and with my long hair and makeup. But I was concerned that we'd spoken several times over the phone recently and so I decided to say as little as possible when we met her, just in case my voice gave me away. I was the last to enter the room and was introduced as Jenny’s friend Emily. I smiled and murmured 'hello' and then remained an onlooker as she the others proceeded to discuss my alter ego.
‘How have you been getting on with young Chris?’ she asked.
‘Fine,’ said Clare; ‘he's been no trouble at all.’
‘I know it can be a nuisance to have a younger cousin tagging along but I hope you're looking after him and including him in your activities girls,’ she added.
‘Oh yes, he came out for the meal last night and went dancing with Clare and her friends afterwards,’ answered Anne.
‘So why has he gone out on his own this morning?’ she asked.
‘He's made some friends in town,’ said Karen. ‘We'd no idea that you were planning to come home today otherwise we'd have asked him to stay in until you arrived.’
‘I hope he won't get into any sort of trouble, after all I'm responsible for his welfare,’ she said.
‘Don’t worry, he seems to be quite a sensible young man and is doing fine,’ said Karen.
‘Maybe, but I should like to have a word with him before I go, nevertheless,’ said Carol.
‘He's promised to ring me at lunchtime, so you can speak to him then if you like,’ said Karen.
At this point I looked across at Jenny. She interpreted my message and began to make her excuses saying that she and I would have to leave as we were expected for lunch at her house. We said our goodbyes and again, wished Anne a happy birthday before leaving. I felt a great sense of relief as we walked out of the door.
‘So far so good, but what do we do now?’ asked Jenny as we walked down their driveway.
‘Would you mind if I stayed at your house this afternoon until after she leaves,’ I asked.
‘Of course not Emily, you're most welcome,’ she said.
I followed Karen’s instructions and waited until 12.30 before making the telephone call to her.
‘Hi Karen, it's Chris, I've been invited to have lunch with some friends in town and so I won’t be back 'til this evening,’ I said, as instructed.
‘Hi Chris, that is ok by me, but my mother has just arrived and she would like to have a few words with you,’ she responded. I could hear her handing over the handset to Aunt Carol.
‘Hello Aunt Carol, I didn't know you were coming back today. I'm sorry to have missed you,’ I said.
‘Perhaps I should've warned you, but I wanted to make a surprise visit for Anne’s birthday,’ she replied. ‘I also promised your mother that I'd make sure that you were getting on alright.’
‘Don’t worry about me, I'm fine,’ I said, as confidently as I could. ‘I spoke to mum the day before yesterday and told her not to worry.’
‘So what have you been doing with yourself?’ she asked.
‘I've been working part-time, waiting at table, for the mother one of Clare’s friends.’
I thought it best to keep my story as truthful as I possibly could.
‘What are you doing at the moment?’
‘I'm just at a friend’s house, we're about to have a sandwich and then will be going into town for the afternoon.’
‘So when are you planning to come back?’ she asked.
‘I can get a lift back at about 5.30 pm,’ I said, knowing that she planned to be gone well before then.
‘Can’t you come back a little earlier? I want to have a brief chat with you before I leave tonight.’
‘It will be difficult for me to get a lift home any earlier and you know what the buses are like on Sundays,’ I said, beginning to get anxious. ‘Can’t you tell me over the phone?’
She ignored my question.
‘In that case, let us meet one another at the Burger King restaurant in town at 3.30 this afternoon. I promise not to keep you very long but I'd prefer not to leave today until I have at least spoken to you face to face,’ she said in a voice that would accept no further discussion.
Any further attempt by me at putting her off would clearly only serve to excite her suspicions.
‘Alright then, I'll see you then,’ I said and ended the call.
I let out a deep sigh, wondering what I was going to do.
‘Jenny, my Aunt Carol is determined to meet me in town in just under three hours from now. She's bound to think something is up if I don't turn up. How long will it take you to turn me back into Chris,’ I asked?'
‘Firstly we would need the solvent to remove those breast forms. Do you have any?’
‘No, Karen gave me some but it is in my bedroom,’ I answered.
‘We'll also need Chris’s clothes, which are presumably in your bedroom as well. Is there any way we could sneak back into the house without your aunt finding out?’
‘I doubt it. Perhaps we could text Clare and ask her to bring them over, but what about my hair extensions and finger nails.’
She looked a little downcast.
‘I suppose it'd only take an hour or so to remove your hair and finger nails, but you would still be left with rather feminine looking eyebrows, I'm afraid I did rather get carried away with them yesterday.’
‘Oh dear, they're a bit of a giveaway,’ I commented looking at myself in a mirror.
‘I'm sorry Emily, but I so wanted you to look nice last night.’
I smiled.
‘If you did get carried away it was only because I allowed you to so. I'm equally at fault.’
‘It would be a great shame to have to undo all our efforts of yesterday,’ she said.
‘I know and I'll pay for them to be replaced out of my wages,’ I offered.
‘Professional hair and nail extensions would be quite costly, and I doubt whether you could get them done in time for work tomorrow.’
‘So what do you think I should do then Jenny,’ I asked.
Joyce, who had been listening to our conversation, joined in at this time.
‘What you should do, Emily, rather depends upon whether or not you want to carry on working for me next week.’
‘Oh yes, I'd certainly like to continue working for you, if I may,’ I replied.
‘In that case I think the only answer is for you to tell your aunt the whole truth and ask her permission to continue as you are,’ she said.
‘You mean tell her all about Emily?’
She nodded.
‘Tell her whilst I am dressed as Emily?
‘At least that would have the advantage of showing her how convincing you look and saving yourself a lot of trouble and expense if she says yes,’ she said.
‘But if Aunt Carol finds out then she's bound to tell my Mum as well,’ I answered.
‘Well you'll not be able to keep your activities a secret for ever, and it may be that they'll be prepared for you to carry on working for me after next week,’ she answered.
I sighed, but knew that she was probably right. Had I been in the same situation two days before I'd have had no difficulty in changing back to Chris, but the events of yesterday and this morning had changed everything. They'd convinced me that I wanted to continue living and working as Emily, at least for one more week and perhaps even longer, if permitted to do so. I thought about the implications of what I wanted to do for a minute or two, before responding.
‘Alright then I'll go back and face Aunt Carol, just as I am, and will ask her permission to continue working for you,’ I said to Joyce.
‘Good, I'd be more than happy to employ you in those circumstances. I was never entirely keen about your keeping it a secret from your aunt and your mother.’
Jenny also looked relieved that there was the possibility of a reprieve for her handiwork.
I sat down and composed a text message to Clare:
Have decided to come round to tell all to your mum, prepare for ructions!
Luv, Emily.
A few minutes later a response came:
Ok! I’ll warn the others — good luck!
Luv, Clare.’
‘If you like I’ll drive you over to the house in the car,’ said Joyce.
‘Thanks, but when it comes to going in and facing my aunt it'll probably be better for me to do so on my own, I replied.
(Next timeI have to face my aunt and then
explain to my mother about Emily.)
Likewise I always look forward to reading the comments made (thanks Stan who never misses a posting). Once or twice I have made changes to future episodes as a result of comments received but on other occasions I have thought to myself — “you will just have to be patient and wait and see what happens.” Because I do not respond to every comment does not mean that I do not appreciate them. Thanks again!
Louise
Chapter 11
Revelations
‘Why does your mother need to be away for so long, Emily?’ Joyce asked as she drove me to my aunt’s house.
‘She's a clothing designer, who specialises in lingerie. She used to work for a large company but was made redundant and for the last six months or so has been working freelance. She's visiting various European manufacturers and buyers trying to interest them in her designs.’
‘Perhaps you could model some of them for her when she gets back,’ suggested Jenny trying to cheer me up from the back seat.
‘I don’t think so. Most of them never even get beyond the drawing board.’
Jenny and her mother dropped me outside my Aunt’s drive. I quickly checked that my hair and makeup were ok in the mirror of a powder compact and straightened my skirt.
‘You look fine, don’t worry,’ said Jenny in a re-assuring voice. ‘Good luck!’
‘Thanks for everything,’ I replied, waving as they drove away.
I walked down the drive feeling decidedly nervous. Rather than let myself in using the key that I had been given, I rang the doorbell. By chance it was opened by Aunt Carol.
‘Hello, it's Emily isn’t it,’ she said slightly surprised to see me again so soon. ‘Clare’s in the lounge if you want her.’
‘Yes please, but I'd also like to have a talk with you and your other daughters as well if I may?’ I replied.
‘Alright then, they’re all together,’ she said in a puzzled tone.
She invited me in, clearly still not realising whom I was. As we walked into the living room my cousins looked anxiously at me. Clare had obviously had a chance to warn them of my coming. I took a deep breath.
‘First of all Aunt Carol, I need to identify myself as your nephew, Chris, and then explain how I come to be dressed like this.’
There was a sharp intake of breath by my aunt, and she looked truly surprised. But she did not immediately respond and so I proceeded to explain the situation when I arrived on the previous Monday and what I had been doing ever since. I stressed that everything was my fault but it had not been done deliberately.
‘But surely someone could have loaned you the money to go out and buy yourself some more clothes on Tuesday? Why didn’t you tell me about your loss?’
‘I felt such an idiot, and, in any event, I always assumed that I'd get my suitcase back after a day or two. Then there came the unexpected opportunity for me to earn some of the money that I’d lost.’
‘But you're not working now, so why are you still wearing a dress and makeup today?’
This was a good point and one that would be tricky for me to explain.
‘Clare and Jenny went to such a lot of trouble yesterday to make me look nice for Anne’s birthday meal and I’m due to go to work as a waitress again tomorrow morning, and so I saw no point in changing back into Chris and wasting all their efforts,’ I replied.
Even I could tell that it did not sound entirely convincing.
‘Whose idea was it for you to go out last night dressed as a girl,’ snapped my aunt.
‘That was my suggestion mum,’ admitted Anne, ‘she looked so good dressed as a waitress that I thought it would be a good idea.’
‘She happens to be a young man whom you were supposed to be looking after,’ she said angrily and with deliberate emphasis. ‘You should have loaned him some money until he could get some from his mother.’
‘It was not just Anne’s fault; Jenny and I persuaded him to wear the evening dress that was left in his suitcase and we provided the hair extensions and helped him to get ready,’ added Clare.
‘And I provided the breast forms from my work,’ admitted Karen.
‘You all had no right to humiliate him in this way,’ Aunt Carol continued angrily.
‘Aunt Carol, nobody has humiliated me,’ I said quickly. ‘Nobody has forced me to do anything this week. I am sure my cousins would have loaned me some money if I had asked them for it, but I didn’t want to cause any further trouble to you or them or give my mum any more cause for worry. I agreed to the proposal on offer and had no regrets about doing so. No-one has noticed whilst I’ve been working that I was really a guy and I would not have agreed to go out for the meal dressed as Emily if I’d felt I was going to be laughed at. In fact, I had such an enjoyable time last night that it was I who decided to make an effort with my appearance this morning, as a way of saying thank-you to my cousins.’
She looked surprised by the vehemence of my answer and her anger softened a little, so I handed her the photographs of me wearing the evening dress and also one of the three of us dressed as waitresses.
‘Well Christopher you certainly looked the part last night, but I think it is now time for the game to end and for you to change back into a young man. You presumably still have the clothes you arrived in, and I will leave you some money to buy yourself some others tomorrow.’
‘Thank you, but I’ll be receiving my wages for my first week’s work tomorrow and so I will be able to buy some for myself,’ I replied.
I hesitated for a second or two before continuing.
‘The only problem is that I have just been offered a further week’s work as a waitress. If I spend the next three hours removing my hair, fingernails and false breasts, and then have to go shopping tomorrow morning, I will not be able to do that job any more. It would also waste all the time and effort put in by Clare and Jenny yesterday. The reason why I decided to tell you everything now is because I was hoping to remain working as Emily until your return next week — that is if you don’t object.’ I said.
‘Please say yes mum, Emily makes an excellent waitress and the three of us have been having lots of fun working together and earning good money as well,’ added Clare.
‘I am sure there will be other temporary jobs he can find,’ answered Carol.
‘I know, but I am really enjoying this one. I did not plan any of this - nobody did, but I’ve been having a great time, just the same,’ I answered blushing.
I noticed Clare glance across to Anne and smile, as if to say ‘I told you so.’ Aunt Carol did not notice, but thought for a moment before responding.
‘I can’t possibly give you permission to do so without the knowledge and agreement of your mother. I think the time has come for you to contact her and tell her exactly what has been going on during the last week,’ she replied.
My heart sank, but I knew she was right.
‘Alright then, but I would rather not tell her by telephone. If I were to email her now and attach digital copies of these photographs, may I remain as I am until she responds?’
‘How often does she check her email?’
‘Most evenings, but if you like I will also send her a text message reminding her to check today.’
Aunt Carol thought for a while before answering, not sure what to do as she could not stay around for much longer.
‘Very well, as long as I can see your email before you send it, and that you all promise to follow her instructions exactly when you receive her reply. In fact, I would also like your mother to copy her reply to me,’ said Carol. ‘She’ll probably telephone me on Tuesday evening, and will be bound to ask about you so I don’t intend to keep any secrets from her.’
‘Thanks Aunt, Carol, I will show you the email before you leave this afternoon.’
Two hours later the email to my mother had been drafted, approved by Aunt Carol, and dispatched. It told the story of the last week, and sought to explain that I was now earning good money, keeping out of trouble and, above all, enjoying myself in my new role. In my first draft I asked for her permission to continue working as Emily for the next week, but then decided I might as well seek permission to remain so even longer, if she were agreeable. As promised, I attached the two digital photographs, one of myself as a waitress and the other of me wearing the outfit from last night. I had thought about signing my message as ‘Emily’, but then thought it might be less of a shock for me to sign it as Chris (Emily).
Aunt Carol read my message and agreed that it told the story accurately. She queried my request to stay as Emily beyond next week, but I said that now she knew, and if she and mum were agreeable, I might be able to work as a waitress throughout my stay. Eventually she agreed that if my mum did not object then she would not do so. The message was sent and Aunt Carol was anxious to drive back to Sheffield to check up on her mother.
‘Now promise me girls that you will make sure your cousin changes back into Chris immediately, if his mother tells him to do so. If necessary, one of you must also take him shopping for some more clothes first thing tomorrow morning,’ she said to her three daughters.
‘In the meanwhile, young lady,’ she said addressing me, ‘I suppose you may as well stay dressed as you are until your get an answer.’ Then, as an afterthought, she added, ‘I must say that you did look lovely in that long dress and I wish I had seen you last night.’
I blushed, not expecting such a compliment.
‘Thank you Aunt Carol. If mum is agreeable for me to continue then I will find an opportunity to show it you next week,’ I said.
She drove off without answering.
‘Well done Emily, I think you handled that pretty well,’ said Karen, and my cousins murmured their agreement.
Clare telephoned Jenny to tell her everything that had happened since she had left me and that I was now waiting for the verdict of my mother. Jenny asked to speak to me.
‘I am sure you have done the right thing Emm, I’ll keep my fingers crossed for your mother’s response. Please will you let me know as soon as you have any news,’ she replied.
‘Yes of course, and I’ll also need to let your mother know whether I can work for her next week.’
Later that evening I received a hurried reply from my mother, which had also been copied to my aunt.
Dear Chris (Emily).
I was surprised by your message and amazed by the two pictures that you attached. I will need a little time to think about my response to you and also I will need to talk to Carol and ask her opinion about what has happened. I will therefore contact you again in a few days' time. In the meanwhile, as long as you can promise me that you are not getting into any trouble, I will not try and stop you from continuing with your new job.
Love Mum xx.
As soon as I read the email I showed it to Clare and sent a text message to Jenny. I then telephoned Joyce to confirm that I had now told both my mother and aunt what I was doing and that I’d be available to work for her, at least for the next few days.
In fact Jenny, Clare and I continued to work as waitresses throughout the next week and were again complimented on how effectively we worked together as a team. Joyce was the caterer for a large conference in the town centre and therefore had five days of more-or-less continuous work for the three of us. We worked split shifts beginning each day before lunch-time and then returning later to serve and clear away after dinner. As a result we had very little time to do much other than the basic chores such as our laundry and to get ourselves ready for work. I preferred to change out of my working clothes as soon as I returned home after lunch and again in the evening, and so by the end of that week I had worn most of the clothes from the American girl’s suitcase, and would not have been able to manage without them. I was now certain that the owner would not bother to contact either of the lost property offices, and I regarded the use of her clothes as a fair exchange for the loss of my own clothes and money.
Late on the Monday evening, after I returned from work, I took a bath and soaked off the sticking plaster holding back my penis, just to check that everything was still ok. The task took some time and was a little painful to perform, but all seemed to be well. Afterwards, I tried to replace the adhesive plaster but was unable to do such a good job as before and eventually gave up, deciding that for the time being I would keep it out of the way using a pair of control pants I found in the case. I also found that I was becoming quite adept at dealing with my long hair and was able to pin it up for work unaided each day.
As a result of our being so busy, the events of the previous weekend went out of my mind and for the time being I forgot that I was still waiting for my mother’s final verdict on Emily. I also forgot about Chris and his problems and immersed myself in learning how to live and work as a girl. Joyce gave me the remainder of my first week’s pay and I now had sufficient money to buy anything I might need. At this rate I would have enough to replace all my missing holiday money and, if I had to, buy Chris some more clothes by the end of the week. During those days we saw very little of Karen and Anne who were either at work themselves or else out with their boyfriends. Once Aunt Carol had left us at tea time on Sunday, nobody seemed to want to discuss her unexpected visit.
It was not until Thursday morning, when Joyce began asking us whether we would be available to work during the following week, that I remembered that I had not heard from my mother.
‘I would like to continue working for you for the whole summer, if I am allowed to do so, but Aunt Carol has only agreed for this week. I think that she and mum were planning to discuss it and come back to me. Perhaps I should ring her to ask if she has yet spoken to mum,’ I said.
‘It might be better for you to wait for your mum to decide without trying to put any pressure on her. Clare has already confirmed to me that she’ll be working, I am sure that I can wait until tomorrow with respect to you,’ answered Joyce.
There was still no word from mum in my email that evening, and I again wondered whether I should contact her, but this time Clare again advised me to wait, at least until the following morning. The expected message eventually arrived early on Friday. I read it with eager anticipation.
My dear Emily,
Since last Sunday I have spoken on the telephone to your aunt, to each of your three cousins and also to your employer. Everyone agrees that you make a lovely and convincing young woman when you are dressed as Emily. Your cousins tell me that you are enjoying yourself at Shrewsbury, and assure me that you are being sensible and are unlikely to get yourself into serious trouble. In my last email I said I was surprised to hear what had happened. However, on reflection, perhaps I am not so surprised that you seem to be having a good time working as a waitress - but we can discuss this at a later date. Your aunt is understandably anxious about your future (as indeed I am), but she is prepared to let you continue as you are for the time being. I am therefore giving you my permission to wear whatever clothes you choose, as long as you do not cause any embarrassment to your Aunt Carol, your cousins or to myself.
It seems that I was at least partly responsible for the loss of your clothes by not keeping a closer eye on your suitcase for you, and so I shall be transferring £300 to your Aunt Carol’s account so that you can buy yourself some new ones and do not need to keep borrowing from your cousins. I will leave it up to you and Carol to decide whether these new clothes are for Chris or Emily. Fortunately my trip has been going well and I have already sold one set of designs, which are currently being manufactured, and I have hopes of another sale. I have also been given several new important commissions for next year.
I am going to be in England briefly when I change planes at Birmingham airport on Monday week and will have to stay overnight at the airport hotel before flying out again the next morning. I hope we can meet and have dinner together then, and that `you can stay in my hotel room for the night. I do not mind whether I meet Chris or Emily on that occasion, but I should like to know in advance which one it will be.
By the way, I have printed out that lovely photograph of you wearing the evening dress and have bought myself a double picture frame so I now have photos of both my son and my new daughter on my dressing table.
With love from.
Mum xx.
(Next time I set out to impress my aunt
and go shopping with Jenny.)
Chapter 12
My future as Emily
I had to take a deep breath and read through the message from mum several times before I was able to take in its full meaning. It was implying that I’d be able to stay as I was for the whole summer, as long as Aunt Carol was agreeable. But why was it that my fortuitous adventure had come as no great surprise to her? I was puzzled by her comment, but it would have to wait until I had a chance to talk to her? In the meanwhile, I’d various things to arrange. After taking a few minutes to settle myself I decided to telephone Aunt Carol.
‘Hi, it’s Emily. I’ve just had an email from Mum; she says I can wear whatever I like as long as it does not embarrass you.’
‘I know, she copied it to me. She also rang me last week to ask my opinion. I told her of my anxieties but also how nice you looked last Sunday and what a convincing young woman you made,’ she replied.
‘Thank you, Aunt Carol that was kind of you to say so. Jenny’s mother is now asking whether Clare and I are available to work next week.’
‘So what do you want to do?’ she asked.
‘I think you already know that I’d like to stay working as Emily for as long as I can. I believe there will probably be work available.
‘Are you saying that you also want to remain living as a girl full-time for the next four weeks,’ she asked.
‘Yes, I suppose I am,’ I answered. ‘It isn’t really practicable to be a girl part-time - not if I’m going to do it properly.’
‘But why would you wish to do so?’
‘Because I’ve been having so much more fun as Emily than ever I had before as Chris.’
She thought for a moment before replying.
‘I’ve no objection to your continuing working as Emily again for the next week, if you wish. However, before I agree to your spending the remainder of the summer as a girl I want to have a chat with you. I want be sure that you will be able to manage as Emily on your own, without your cousins or your friend helping you. I also want to find out a little more about this job you are doing,’ she said.
‘Mum’s already spoken to Joyce about the job, and is quite happy,’ I replied.
‘Maybe but I’d still like a chat when I get home on Sunday afternoon, before I agree,’ she said.
‘Alright then Aunt Carol,’ I answered not wishing to antagonise her.
‘Your mum has transferred some money for you to buy some new clothes. Would you be able to manage until I see you on Sunday?’
‘Yes, that’s ok I’ll have some of my wages if necessary.’
‘What are you planning to buy?’ she asked.
There seemed to be no point in pretending to her, particularly as mum had given me permission.
‘I thought I might ask one of my cousins to come shopping with me to buy myself a new skirt and jacket that I can wear when I go to see Mum in Birmingham the week after next,’ I said.
‘So are you intending to travel down to Birmingham dressed as Emily,’ Carol asked.
‘Yes, I think it is time she met Emily and I get the impression that she would not object to my doing so.’
‘I’d be a little anxious about a fifteen-year-old girl travelling so far on her own,’ she said.
‘I travelled up ok,’ I argued.
‘Yes and lost your suitcase in the process. Also it is different for girls, they are more at risk than boys,’ Carol explained.
‘I’d promise to take care and to ring you as soon as I get there. In any event I’ll be sixteen in a fortnight, and Clare and Anne both said that I look several years older as Emily. ‘You also told mum that I looked really convincing when you saw me last Sunday?’
‘Yes, I know, but then you had the help of Jenny with your hair and makeup. I want to be sure you can manage to be just as convincing on your own.’
‘Most of the time I put on my own makeup and style my hair when I get ready for work during the week. It’s almost become second nature to me, but if you like, I’ll prove to you that I can look nice on my own.’
‘How will you do that?’
‘I’d like to organise a small dinner party next Sunday evening, to thank everyone for their help and encouragement, if I may I’ll prepare and serve the food and also get myself dressed and ready, to prove to you I can do so without any help, and convince you that I can manage perfectly well as Emily.’
‘Who, would you like to ask to this dinner?’
‘There would be yourself and my three cousins, also Clare’s friend Jenny and her mother. She could tell you about the work I’ve been doing.
‘So you intend it to be an all-female gathering?’
‘Yes I suppose so, if as you are willing to count me under that heading,’ I said. ‘If everyone present agrees that I make a convincing woman, will you let me stay as Emily for the rest of the summer?’
‘We’ll have to see, but you can go ahead and organise your dinner party, as long as you promise to wear your evening dress for me.’
‘Alright then, on condition that all the other guests agree to dress up as well,’ I said.
So it appeared that I’d one further week to convince Aunt Carol as well as Mum that I was doing what was best for me.
It was often difficult for me to contact Mum by telephone as she moved about a lot and was often in meetings. I therefore replied to her email.
Dear Mum,
Thank you so much for your lovely understanding message. I was worried that I might have shocked or disappointed you, which is why I did not tell you about Emily straightaway. However, I have continued to have a good time working as a waitress over the last week and I hope to be able to persuade Aunt Carol to let me remain as I am for the duration of my visit, when she returns home on Sunday. If I’m successful, I’ll use the £300 to buy myself something nice to wear when I meet you at Birmingham. I hope you will be pleased with Emily when you meet her. She’s really looking forward to seeing you and to hearing all about the trip.
With much love, from your new daughter,
Emily.
I was due to go into work mid-morning on Friday and so was able to confirm to Joyce that I’d be able to work for her the following week.
‘How would you feel if I were able to work for you every week until the beginning of September,’ I asked.
‘That would be fine by me, as long as your mother and aunt are quite happy about it. I’m likely to have plenty of work for the three of you,’ she replied.
‘In that case would you be willing to come to a meal at my aunt’s house on Sunday evening, so you can re-assure her that I can cope with the work alright? I hope that she’ll agree then to a more permanent arrangement.’
With a little further explanation Joyce agreed to come and even to dress up for the occasion.
Jenny and Clare were also delighted with the prospect that I might be able to continue working with them for the next few weeks.
‘I just need to convince Aunt Carol that I can manage as Emily and won’t always need one you two to help me to decide what to wear or how to deal with my makeup and hair. I’m planning a dinner party on Sunday evening where I intend to demonstrate my abilities to my aunt. I hope you will both come along and give me your support.’
‘Yes of course, Clare replied. ‘What can we do to help?’
‘First of all, let me first check to ensure that Karen and Anne can come, then we can make some plans.’
I telephoned my elder cousins to see whether they would be free on Sunday evening, and explained the reason for the proposed celebration, and they both agreed to come. As soon as we had finished clearing the lunches the three of us sat down together to draw up a menu and shopping list. Jenny suggested we should all go shopping together on Saturday morning to buy the necessary ingredients, but Clare was unable to come as she had arranged to see Geoff. So we went to a supermarket together after work and I bought most of what I’d need, except for the most perishable items, which I’d buy on Sunday morning. I also mentioned that my mother was giving me £300 to get some more clothes.
‘Emily, I’ve to go into town shopping for myself tomorrow. Why don’t you come with me and try on some clothes? Jenny suggested. ‘If you find something you like you could buy it as soon as you get the money from your mum.’
‘Yes, I’d like that. In fact I’ve nearly £200 of my wages left, so if we see anything nice there’s no reason why we shouldn’t buy it. That way I’ll have a real financial incentive to convince my aunt,’ I said.
‘I can lend you the extra £100 until you collect the money from Mum or you next get paid,’ Clare told me.
That evening, as I was getting ready for bed I checked my email and found there was a short response waiting for me from mum:
Dear Emily,
Thanks for the message. I was hoping that I’d be seeing you rather than Chris at Birmingham, but I did not want to make the suggestion. I too am looking forward to our meeting, and have lots to ask you. I always wanted to have a daughter as well as a son, now it looks as if I’ll have both.
Love from.
Mum.
I smiled, I now had something concrete from mum that I could show Aunt Carol if necessary. However, I would prefer to try and convince her by myself if I could.
Everything that I’d worn as Emily over the last fortnight had been second-hand so I was quite excited when Jenny came to take me clothes shopping. She was the ideal companion for such a task because she had an excellent visual imagination and dress sense. She took an enthusiastic interest in fashion and could always tell what would look good on an individual, and what items could be worn together. She arrived at 8.30am on the Saturday morning and I was still finishing my breakfast together with my three cousins.
‘What exactly are we looking for Emily? Is it something to wear at the dinner party tomorrow,’ she asked.
‘No, Aunt Carol wants me to wear the blue evening dress again, as long as I can continue to use these silicone boobs,’ I said.
‘They are yours to keep for as long as you need them,’ Karen replied, ‘at least until you have earned enough as a waitress to pay for a proper boob job.’
‘Please don’t make jokes like that when your mother’s around,’ I said.
However, the idea lodged itself in the back of my brain like a grain of sand in an oyster shell.
‘So what are we looking for today?’ Jenny asked, returning to her question.
‘I’ll need something to wear when I have dinner with my mother at the Birmingham Airport Hotel in ten days' time. I’ve no clear idea what to wear except that I want something smart to impress her which will not be spoiled by the train journey.’
‘In that case let’s take stock of the clothes you have and see what is missing,’ said Jenny.
The five of us trooped up to my bedroom where I lay out my entire feminine wardrobe on the bed.
‘You are not exactly spoiled for choice are you? But there are some nice clothes here - the mad American woman appears to have had quite expensive taste,’ Jenny said.
‘Yes I’m still discovering what goes well with what.’
After a few moments consideration Jenny announced: ‘I think you’ll need something fairly formal - such as a skirt suit with a couple of blouses that would co-ordinate - and maybe another pair of medium heeled shoes and matching handbag,’ she said. ‘You ought to have enough money to cover everything.’
‘You should also get yourself either a raincoat or an umbrella,’ Karen advised, remembering my last rail trip from Birmingham.
Clare had to go and get ready for her date, and Jenny and I were just about to leave to get a bus into town, but the other girls had no specific plans.
Anne turned to her older sister ‘This guest room is a little bit bare and lacking in imagination. Could we brighten up the décor to make it a little more appropriate now that Emily’s planning to stay with us full-time?’
‘It’s up to Emily, but if she wants us to, then I’m sure we could make it a bit more girlie,’ Karen answered.
‘The walls are already pink, isn’t that ‘girlie,’ enough,’ I asked.
‘No, the soft furnishings are rather neutral and non-descript for a teenage girl. I’m sure we’ve some more suitable ones in the store cupboard,’ said Anne
‘But there’s no guarantee that your mother will agree to my remaining as Emily, so hadn’t we better wait to find out first,’ I suggested.
‘Don’t worry, mum will have to get used to the idea of having you as Emily. Once she sees how good you are in the role, and is reminded of how attractive you look she’ll come round, particularly as the three of us are all on your side. I don't think she’ll mind if we brightened up the spare room,’ said Anne.
‘In that case a ‘Girlie,’ style of décor would be fine by me,’ I replied smiling, ‘at least for the next four weeks.’
‘We’ll see what we can do for you while you are out shopping this morning,’ said Anne.
Clothes shopping with Jenny was quite exhausting - but great fun. We both tried on a number of dresses and other outfits from several different shops and Jenny explained to me what it was about the colour or style of each that suited us or not. She had good taste and knew what would co-ordinate with the items already in my wardrobe. By the end of the day I had a much clearer idea of what suited me.
‘We’ll need to help you find an appropriate look to guide you as to the colours and styles you can wear. With a bit more practice you should develop a feel for what looks right on you. After all, you’ve only been dressing as Emily for a couple of weeks and many girls take years before they discover how to look their best.’
‘You always look very nice without it appearing as if you are trying too hard,’ I replied.
‘I’ll take that as a compliment,’ she said smiling. ‘However that does not mean I’m unaware of what I look like, I often give quite a lot of thought as to what I should wear.’
‘In that case I’ll leave the decision as to what I should buy in your hands,’ I said.
‘No not entirely! You’ll also want to enjoy looking good in what you are wearing, so your own opinions are just as important,’ she told me.
‘Alright but I would also appreciate some general guidance from you,’ I replied.
‘Your long hair and the fairly feminine styles you’ve been wearing so far seem to suit you quite well, but you need to wear lipstick and eye makeup to enhance your features and look your best,’ she advised. ‘Given your background and your need to develop feminine mannerisms as quickly as possible, it’d probably be better for you to avoid wearing trousers for the time being until you have had more experience of dressing as a girl.’
‘It seems as if everyone wants to make me as feminine looking as possible,’ I said.
‘What is the point of your dressing like an effeminate man? If you are going to live and work as Emily then you may as well do it properly and enjoy yourself in the process, particularly as you are now intending to go full-time,’ she added.
‘Yes, I know you’re right and I promise not to argue with your decisions,’ I said.
Among her other talents, Jenny had an excellent eye for a bargain so the £300 went a long way. We came away having bought an off-white suit with a crop jacket and a shorter length split skirt, together with matching handbag, high-heeled shoes and umbrella. I already had a couple of silk blouses which would go well with this outfit, and so I bought one other in cotton. There was sufficient money left over to buy another set of underwear, a nightdress and two pairs of tights. Finally, Jenny loaned me a further twenty pounds to get myself some more cosmetics and perfume. I’d now spent my next wages and would be in serious financial difficulties if I were unable to convince my aunt to let me repay the money from my mother’s cheque.
We arrived home in the middle of the afternoon laden with carrier bags. Karen and Anne had been busy changing the furnishings of my bedroom. They also moved in a dressing table with mirrors from the box room, and changed the curtains. They had now introduced a strong element of pink with co-ordinating floral curtains, a lampshade, bedspread and pillows with frilly borders. There was even a pale pink rug. There was a pile of soft toys in the corner and a vase of flowers on the window ledge.
‘Where on earth did it all come from?’ I asked.
‘This used to be the colour scheme for my bedroom when I was your age; the furnishings have been stored in the box room ever since,’ said Anne. ‘We thought they might help set the right tone for your new life.’
‘If you’re intending to spend the entire summer as a young woman then it's not enough for you merely to dress as Emily and work as a waitress; you’ll also have to learn to live and think as a female as well. The colour scheme will help, but everything you think or do or even read must henceforth reinforce your new identity,’ Karen told me. ‘I’m afraid we’ve confiscated your computer magazines and replaced them with some relating to teenage fashions.
‘Wow, you’re really keen for me to immerse me in femininity,’ I said. ‘However, I suppose you are right, if I’m going to live as Emily I should try to think and act like her as well.’
‘Exactly,’ said Karen, ‘it’ll be nice to be able to talk about girly things with you, so let us begin by having a look at your new purchases then.’
I showed them what we’d bought, and they both said we had made a good choice. The four of us spent the remainder of the afternoon helping me to organise my new room.
(Next time I organise a dinner party.)
With many thanks to Gabi for her help with the editing.
Chapter 13
My Dinner Party
As usual Karen and Anne went out clubbing with their boyfriends on Saturday night and Clare was also out with Geoff, leaving Jenny and myself to spend the evening together. I was quite pleased to be able to have another opportunity for quiet talk with her.
‘Thanks again for all your help and advice over the past fortnight, Jenny. You’ve been very kind to me,’ I said.
She smiled.
‘That’s alright, I’ve enjoyed myself over the last couple of weeks. I was bound to help you to make as good a job as possible of becoming Emily since it was my idea in the first place.’
‘Everyone apart from Aunt Carol seems to be keen for me to spend the entire summer as Emily, rather than as Chris,’ I commented.
‘By everyone,’ I assume that you’ve also including yourself in that comment?’
‘I suppose so, but it’s also as if fate has been conspiring to turn me into a young woman, firstly by my losing a suitcase when I was due to stay with Clare and her sisters, then by removing my aunt from the scene and introducing me to you.’
‘Perhaps, but I don’t think any of us would’ve pressed the matter if you hadn’t also seemed to be enjoying yourself,’ she replied, and then added, smiling, ‘I like the idea of being an agent of fate.’
‘I have been enjoying myself, but why did you suggest that I should work as a waitress once you knew I was really a boy?’
She shrugged.
‘Mum desperately needed some extra help, you needed some work and you looked like a girl in Anne’s clothes even when you weren’t trying. However, I’d no idea you would ever look as good as you do now.’
‘Thank you. I’ve had a good time making the transition to Emily, and working with the two of you. I started off feeling anxious in case I gave myself away or anyone should challenge me. But, when I saw how good I looked last Saturday night something changed and I decided that I wanted to spend more time as Emily.’
‘Good! I am pleased to have my efforts appreciated,’ she said giving me a kiss on the cheek.
‘But where will it all lead to?’ I asked.
‘That’s up to you to decide, but in the meantime I’m happy to have Emily as a girlfriend.’
‘I’m glad. By the way, is there anything I can do for you in return, to repay your kindness?’ I asked.
‘I need to wash my hair ready for tomorrow, would you mind giving me a facial and a manicure at the same time,’ she asked.
‘I’ll do my best but you’ll have to tell me exactly what to do and keep an eye on me,’ I replied.
‘Why don’t we go to my house this evening and I’ll show you what to do then you can do the same for me?’
‘That sounds like fun,’ I said.
Jenny and I made a pretty good job of washing one another’s hair and putting it in rollers. We then gave each other a facial and finished by replacing the varnish on one another’s finger and toe nails. As we did so, we chatted happily about clothes and makeup, and other girlish things so that I got the impression that she now thought of me as one of her girlfriends, rather than as a young man in disguise, but then I went and burst the bubble .
‘Jenny, there’s just one other thing I would like you to do for me if you don’t mind,’ I said.
‘What’s that?’
‘I’m afraid I removed the adhesive plaster from over my penis on Monday as I wanted to check that keeping it stuck down like that wasn’t doing it any harm. However, if I‘m going to be wearing my blue evening dress again tomorrow evening I don’t want any tell-tale bulges, so please can you show me how to stick it down for myself once more?’ I asked.
Jenny sighed.
‘Alright Emily, but it’ll be the last time I’ll do it for you, hereafter this will be a job that you’ll have to do for yourself,’ she said, finding herself a pair of rubber gloves.
By the time she had finished, my manhood was safely tucked out of sight once again, but I was not feeling as uncomfortable as before, and I was able to wee without too much discomfort. It was now rather late, and so I telephoned Karen to ask her permission to stay the night at Jenny’s house.
Clare called round to see us early on Sunday morning before I even had a chance to remove the rollers from my hair and put on some makeup. She was anxious to tell us all about her date with Geoff the day before, and to find out what Jenny and I had bought on our shopping trip.
‘We had a terrific time,’ she gushed and related the details of their evening together.
‘Emily, you should’ve agreed to go out with his friend Rob, because apparently he is still asking about you.’
‘I’ve already turned down one tempting offer from work, only to find that he was only interested in my body,’ I responded laughing.
‘They usually are,’ commented Jenny.
‘I told Geoff to tell him that you weren’t interested, and in any event you were below the age of consent.’
‘Thanks, I’ve enough on my mind at the moment without getting involved with any guys,’ I said.
‘But I may also have let it slip that you were sixteen in a fortnight,’ added Clare with a smile.
‘Thanks a lot!’ I replied with mock exasperation. ‘A couple of years ago the age of consent for any sexual activity with a guy would have been eighteen.
‘But not any more, and so I wouldn’t dismiss the idea out of hand, after all it’s one of the nicer things about being a girl. You can’t go around looking as lovely as you do without attracting some attention from the opposite sex,’ said Clare.
‘I have to remember that they’re not really the opposite sex, however much I might wish they were at the moment,’ I continued.
‘So would you like to change your gender and live as a woman full-time then?’ Clare asked seriously.
‘I don’t know, it has its attractions, but I can’t say how I’ll feel next week or next month. I need to think carefully about my future, so I won’t be planning anything drastic for the time being. In any event, I don’t think that either your mother - or my own - would be too happy if they thought I was going out with young men. Any thought of boyfriends will have to wait at least until I’m sixteen,’ I said.’
‘Sorry Emily I keep forgetting your tender years,’ said Clare. ‘The makeup you wear tends to make you look older than you are.’
Our conversation moved on to other topics, including my plans for the remainder of the day.
‘We’ve got almost everything I need for the meal,’ I said. ‘I just need to buy some strawberries and cream and one or two other things from town.
‘So what are you planning to feed us tonight?’ asked Clare.
‘The main course will be beef stroganoff with wild rice and roast vegetables. There’ll be a mixed seafood starter and strawberry shortcake as a dessert.
‘It sounds nice but you’ll have to watch the calories. Will you be able to manage going shopping on your own,’ asked Clare.
‘Yes I think so, there’s not very much to carry and I can get a bus. I need to get used to being Emily on my own, because I can’t always expect you two to accompany me every time I go out.’
‘What would you like me to do then?’ Clare asked.
‘It would be a help if you could prepare the table with the best linen and cutlery and perhaps a vase of flowers from the garden. Also, if you could come down a little early to serve the sherry to the guests, whilst I finish off in the kitchen.’
‘I can do better than that. If you have everything well in hand by half past five. I’ll get myself ready early and take over responsibility for finishing off and serving up your meal, that way you can have a couple of hours to glam yourself up and make a spectacular entrance.’
‘Thank you.’
‘Will you need my help with your hair and makeup this afternoon?’ Jenny asked.
‘Thanks for the offer but I promised Aunt Carol that I’d get myself ready without your help on this occasion. I should be able to manage with my own makeup by now and will do my best to put my hair up the way you showed me last night, but I’d appreciate your opinion on my efforts before I finish.’
‘Alright then I’ll come up to your room at about seven to see how you’re doing.’
Clare kept her promise and was ready in plenty of time so she could take over the last minute preparations from me. Jenny also arrived as arranged, wearing a beautiful long lime green dress, with a pearl necklace and earrings. As usual, her hair and makeup were immaculate. That girl really knew how to make the best of her appearance and it would take all my best efforts to reach the same standard.
‘Jenny you look gorgeous in that dress — it’s the first time I’ve seen you in anything really formal,’ I said.
‘Thanks, I think your two elder cousins are also making an effort tonight, they don’t want to be overshadowed by you and Clare again as they were last Saturday,’ she replied.
‘Your Aunt Carol has arrived home and was asking about your whereabouts, but Clare’s managed to dissuade her from coming up to see you straight away. Instead she’s having a shower and putting on a long dress and will come down at around half past seven. My Mum will also be here in the next half hour, as soon as she’s finished changing,’ she said.
By now I had showered, dressed in my underclothes, and had completed my makeup. I was in process of dealing with my hair.
‘So what do you think of my efforts so far,’ I asked.
She had a careful look at my face.
‘Your makeup’s very good, as I am sure you realise. You are a quick learner, Emily.’
‘Thanks, I’ve been doing my best but it is nice to have an expert like you confirm that I look presentable. What do you think about my hair?’
She replaced a couple of grips and pointed out where I needed one or two more to keep things in place, and then pronounced herself satisfied. Then she helped me put on my dress and shoes. Finally she handed me my earrings and necklace and squirted some ‘smellies’ on to me.
‘Wait here,’ she said, ‘I’ll just make sure that everyone else is already downstairs and then call your mobile so you can make your entrance.’
Five minutes later I walked carefully downstairs to meet my six lady guests all of whom were wearing their best evening dresses. The conversation subsided for a moment as I entered the living room, and then I heard Anne’s voice.
‘See mum, I told you Emily would look absolutely stunning in that party frock.’
My cheeks coloured a little, but I knew that I looked good as I smiled and said hello to my guests.
‘Emily you look really lovely, did you really get yourself ready without any help,’ asked Carol looking at Jenny.
I blushed again.
‘I promise you that I did nothing more than a last minute inspection, this is all her own work,’ Jenny replied.
‘You couldn’t possibly want to make her change back into jeans and tee shirts after seeing her tonight,’ Karen surmised.
‘We’ll have to see,’ her mother replied.
My dinner party was an absolute success. It was a very sophisticated affair with five young women and two middle-aged ones all wearing long party frocks. It only lacked a few guys in dinner jackets, to hold our chairs while we sat down, or to pour the wine for us, but on this occasion nobody seemed to mind.
I had planned to help serve the meal myself, but the others insisted that I remained seated at the table, as I had done the cooking and most of the preparation. My three cousins each took a turn at serving the dishes, clearing the table and loading the dishwasher. I was seated between Clare and Karen and so was not able to eavesdrop on anything said between Carol and Joyce amongst the hubbub of conversation around the table - but it was obvious that they were talking about me.
‘Don’t worry, Joyce is on your side,’ Karen murmured to me, having read my thoughts. She had just finished serving them and had been able to overhear their conversation.
‘What do you think they’re they saying?’ I whispered.
‘Mum was asking whether she thought it odd for you to be working as a waitress. Joyce replied that as far as she was concerned you were one of her best workers, and would continue to offer you work, as long as Carol and your mother did not object.’
There was nothing more I could do now, so I thought I might just as well sit back and enjoy the meal.
After the meal was finished everyone began to adjourn to the living room for coffee and mints.
‘Emily, can we have a brief talk before you go in to the other room?’ Carol asked.
As soon as the others had left we sat down again.
‘Well I must say you’ve convinced me to let you carry on as you are - at least until after you’ve had a talk with your mother next week. After that I’ll not object to your continuing as long as she’s also agreeable. I still have my worries about what you’re doing, but I’m not your mother, she must decide.’
‘Does that mean that I can travel down and meet Mum dressed as Emily?’
‘Yes I suppose your mother will need to see you as you are in order to make up her mind, but for heaven’s sake take care during the journey and telephone me as soon as you get there.’
‘Oh thanks so much Aunt Carol,’ I said giving her a kiss on the cheek.
‘You’d better take this to get yourself some more clothes,’ she said handing me the money from my mother’s cheque.
I thanked her but did not think at that time it would be wise to mention that I’d already spent the money on clothes for Emily.
Carol and I returned to the front room where I told the others that I’d be remaining as Emily for the next week, and after that it would be subject to my meeting with my mother.
‘So can you also continue working for me next week as well,’ asked Joyce.
Carol nodded.
‘I’m so relieved I would hate to lose one of my best waitresses at such short notice.’
‘I’m hoping that Mum will agree to let me work for you for the whole summer when I see her,’ I said.
‘I hope she agrees,’ said Jenny.
‘I’ll have plenty of work for the three of you, if she does,’ said Joyce.
(Next time Things begin to settle down
now that Aunt Carol has returned.)
Gabi Bunton had recently started to help me with the editing of my story and had commented on drafts of chapters 12 to 15 at the time of her sudden death last week. Although we never met or spoke to one another, I was most grateful for her friendly and perceptive comments on my writing in a number of recent emails and I shall miss her help in future. I hope I’ve been able to learn from these few lessons from such an expert editor, as I know that other TC authors have done. Louise
Chapter 14
The aftermath
Things began to settle down for me during the week after Aunt Carol’s return. Joyce had lunchtime jobs for us on the Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, together with a large reception on the Friday afternoon and evening where we were working with a number of other waitresses. But we were going to have a free weekend, which was no bad thing as the weather forecast indicated that we were due for a sustained period of sunny weather. I was now quite confident at work, whether I was dealing with the other members of staff or serving the customers, and I never noticed anybody treating me any differently from either of my friends. One of the drivers who delivered the food to us was quite fun to chat with and he asked me out on a date. I hesitated for a moment, as he seemed quite nice but then turned him down mentioning an imaginary boyfriend back home. This was just as well as I later discovered from Jenny that he was already dating one of the girls who worked in the kitchen. I would not wish to get into any dispute over a guy.
At home, Aunt Carol was busy catching up with things, having been away from home for a fortnight. She raised her eyebrows when she saw the new décor of my bedroom, but realised that it had been chosen for me by her daughters. She was also a little surprised when she discovered the extent of my female clothing, which had now been transferred from the suitcase to my wardrobe, and also that I had not yet got round to replacing any of Chris’s clothes. But in other respects she was fine and began to treat me as if I were truly her niece - making no reference to any nephew. She even occasionally complimented me on what I was wearing, or said I looked nice, but made no big issue out of it. In turn, I did my best to impress her by keeping my room as clean and tidy as possible, and by regularly volunteering to help with other household chores.
My cousins continued their campaign to help me develop a feminine persona by passing on to me some of their unwanted clothes, a hairbrush and manicure set which had been given to Anne but never used, and other things to help with my grooming. They also loaned me some cheap jewellery to wear with my different outfits and regularly passed on fashion magazines for me to read. Jenny likewise encouraged me to experiment with my choice of clothes and makeup, and always offered helpful advice. It seemed that my voice, which was naturally fairly high pitched for a man, was acceptable for a woman without further attention, but my cousins, and later my aunt, would sometimes quietly point out if they thought a particular phrase I used, or a gesture made, was at all mannish. I took the criticisms and suggestions in good part and did my best to benefit from them.
‘I think it’s time we took you out clubbing Emily, you can’t spend the whole summer just working and staying in,’ said Clare on Tuesday morning.
‘I thought you were planning to go out with Rob on Wednesday night,’ I replied.
‘I am, but that doesn’t mean that you and I and Jenny should not go dancing together another night, as well,’ she replied.
‘Your offer’s tempting, but I don’t want to do anything which might cause Mum or Aunt Carol to have second thoughts about my continuing as Emily.
She did not press the point, and I stayed in on Wednesday night whilst Clare went out with Geoff.
Ever since Karen had made that throwaway comment about my having a boob job, I had begun to wonder about what it would be like to have my own breasts. Did I want to become a woman? I had read in the newspapers about people changing their sex and was not sure whether this also applied to me. I certainly felt more at ease as Emily, more natural, and as days went by increasingly confident. The implications of what I was thinking appalled yet at the same time fascinated me. I therefore spent several hours on the internet and discovered a whole new world of other people like me, and a new term ‘transgendered’. There were thousands of them - both young and old alike — offering help, advice, companionship and sometimes other things as well. I didn’t know what to make of it all. There was far too much for me to read at a single sitting so I bookmarked several pages and downloaded others. It was the early hours of Thursday before I eventually went to sleep with my head spinning with ideas and images.
The following day, as we were getting ready to go to work, Clare announced that she was planning to go to a rock festival with her new boyfriend at the weekend.
‘Geoff and Rob have asked me to see whether you’d like to come as well Emily?’ she asked. ‘You and I could share one tent, and the lads would share another.’
Once again I was tempted, but I was due to meet my mother on the Monday, and didn’t wish to take any risks that might prevent my doing so.
‘Thanks for the offer, Clare, but I’d better not go. I wouldn’t want to worry your mum. Couldn’t Jenny go in my place?’
‘If you turn down every invitation, people will stop asking,’ she said.
‘I know, Clare, but please just give me a little more time until after I’ve spoken with Mum.’
‘Alright, I’ll ask Jenny, but it’ll probably mean that you’ll be left on your own for the weekend.’
‘That’s alright, I’ve several things I need to do,’ I replied thinking of a pile of reading matter and web pages I wanted to consult. ‘In any event I’ll be away in Birmingham on Monday and Tuesday’.
In the event, Jenny couldn’t go either; she’d been contacted by a former boyfriend from school, named Ken and had gone out with him on Wednesday night. We asked how she had got on. She gave us a humorous account, but was a little coy when it came to the question of whether or not she would be seeing him again at the weekend. I assumed that in future I would be seeing less of my two companions outside work. That didn’t worry me too much. I welcomed the friendship and support of my two friends but also wanted to establish my independence.
I used my free time after work on Thursday afternoon to go window shopping on my own and even went in and tried on one or two dresses, although I was still not sufficiently confident to make a substantial purchase without advice from Jenny or Clare. I did venture to buy myself another pair of sling-back sandals in a sale and a new shade of lipstick with a matching nail varnish. I also went to the station and picked up a form for a young person’s railcard. I would complete it in Emily’s name and get Joyce to endorse the form, as my employer. I would then be able to buy myself a cheap rail ticket to Birmingham Airport and travel down to meet Mum dressed as Emily.
Friday night’s work was a large private function and was going to involve quite a number of serving staff. I quite enjoyed these large jobs as it gave me the opportunity of meeting some new people. We started work preparing the tables at about four o’clock and would continue working until midnight, except for Clare who had arranged to finish at nine so that she could travel with Geoff and Rob to the festival somewhere in mid-Wales.
On the Saturday morning I was alone in the house apart from my Aunt. I decided to continue my researches into transgenderism, but first of all I wanted to try out my new nail varnish. I had just finished painting my toes, so that I could wear my new open-toed sandals without bothering with tights, and was midway through my fingers when Aunt Carol came in to see me.
‘Since the others have all gone out for the day, I wondered whether you’d like to come shopping with me, Emily,’ she said.
‘Yes, I’d like that,’ I replied a little surprised by the invitation. ‘May I have half an hour to finish my nails and put on some make up?’
She smiled.
‘Very well, I suppose I’d better wait, as looking good seems to be so important to you.’
‘Thanks. It’s not just vanity, I really feel more confident in public when I’m wearing makeup,’ I replied.
‘I understand,’ she said kindly. ‘If you like we can buy you something for your birthday next week.’
‘Thanks, but it’s not really necessary, you’ve been so generous to me as it is,’ I replied.
‘No, I feel guilty that I wasn’t around for your first two weeks in Shrewsbury and I want to make it up to you. Is there anything that you’d particularly like?’
‘There’s nothing I can think of but, if you don’t mind, I’d prefer to have something for Emily rather than Chris.’
She sighed, but then smiled.
‘Alright then, since you seem quite determined to carry on as you are, and you make such an attractive young woman. What are you intending to wear when you go to meet your mother on Monday?’
I showed her the suit and blouse that Jenny and I had bought, the previous Saturday and she approved. I then showed her that we had also thought about shoes and a matching handbag.
‘What if I were to buy you a watch to go with your outfit,’ she asked.
‘Yes, that’d be brilliant Aunt Carol, thank you so much.’
Aunt Carol and I had a good day out shopping together. She bought me a watch, and also some earrings. I bought myself some more cosmetics and a pair of tights. But it wasn’t just shopping for me, I helped her to choose various items for herself and for the house. It was the first time that we’d spent much time together alone, and I got the impression she was trying to get to know and understand me a little better.
We had a late lunch together in one of the cafés on the High Street, when she asked me to try explaining my feelings about being Emily.
‘It’s difficult to describe, I just seem to feel more comfortable as a girl than I used to do as a boy,’ I answered.
‘But when did these feelings begin? Was it just when you lost your clothes or have they always been with you?’
‘I’m not sure, I suppose there were feelings in the back of my mind, but I never allowed myself to think them through. I didn’t have a sister nor were there any neighbours who had girls of my age to play with. Also I went to a boy’s school and so I’ve never had any chance to understand what it is to be feminine before.’
‘So is this all about exploring your feminine side?’ she asked.
‘Perhaps, but it’s also about earning some money as well,’ I replied smiling.
She thought for a moment before responding.
‘It seems to me that whilst Emily may have begun as a game or as a means of earning money, she has now become an integral part of your life. You seem to have slipped so easily into a feminine persona that most of the time I forget that you used to be my nephew.’
‘I think you may be right,’ I answered.
There was no point trying to pretend otherwise.
‘So when did this happen?’
‘I believe that something fundamental changed in me the weekend before last, the day before you arrived home unexpectedly. It happened as we were getting ready to go to the dinner dance. Up to that point I was fully expecting to go back to being Chris, but then during the dinner, and especially on the Sunday I found that I really did not want to do so, in spite of the difficulty of telling you and Mum.’
‘But where will it lead? Do you want to spend the rest of your life as a woman?’
‘I really don’t know, and wouldn’t want to commit myself after just three weeks. All I can say is that although I never planned to spend my summer in this way, I’m very happy with the way things have worked out. I can’t really predict how I’ll feel in the future, and would just like a little time to be able to sort things out in my mind. Maybe I’ll have a clearer idea what to do once I’ve spoken to Mum on Monday.’
‘I hope so, for your sake; but the girls and I’ll support whatever you and your mother decide to do,’ she said touching my hand.
‘Thank you, Aunt Carol.’
She then changed the subject.
‘Emily, I still have a lot to do to catch up after my fortnight away, and so I’ve asked Anne if she would mind driving over to Sheffield tomorrow to make sure your Grandmother is still managing alright. I originally assumed she would take Clare with her, but as you know, she has gone away for the weekend, and Karen is on duty at the hospital. Would you like to accompany Anne on the drive and check up on your grandmother?’
‘Of course I’d be happy to go, but what about Daniel?’ I asked. ‘Wouldn’t Anne prefer to take him along for company?’
‘She tells me that he’s not very keen on visiting sick old ladies and has found himself something else to do for the day,’ she replied.
‘I’d love to go to see Gran, but how will we explain Emily to her?’
‘I take it that you don’t want her to know the truth,’ she asked.
‘I’m not sure,’ I answered. ‘I wouldn’t want to shock or upset her.’
‘You may be right; this may not be the best time. How long is it since you last saw her?’
‘I haven’t seen her for about three years, because we now live so far away from Sheffield and Mum has been busy trying to build up her business recently. However, I’ve spoken to her on the ‘phone fairly regularly.’
‘I think you’ve changed quite a lot in your looks over the last three years, and especially so over the last three weeks,’ she said smiling. ‘Why don’t you pretend to be one of Anne’s friends who came along for the ride? Your grandmother’s eyesight isn’t brilliant and she’s recovering from a stroke. You should be alright as long as you’re careful with what you do and say.’
‘Alright, that is what I’ll do as long as you think it’ll be alright,’ I answered.
‘Thank you. I appreciate your trouble.’
We finished our shopping and returned home at about 4.00pm. I offered to prepare the evening meal for ourselves and Anne, who would be home at five thirty. My offer was gratefully accepted and I found myself a pinafore so as not to spoil my clothes while cooking.
Anne was delighted to learn that she’d have me as a companion on the drive from Shrewsbury to Sheffield, when we discussed the visit over dinner.
‘It is only ninety miles to Gran’s house, but it’s an awkward road passing first through Stoke on Trent and then the Peak District. There's bound to be a lot of tourist traffic this time of year so it’ll take two and a half hours. I’d like us to leave at half past nine so make sure you’re up and dressed in plenty of time.’
‘Of course,’ I replied. ‘What do you think I should wear?’
‘That is a real girly type question,’ she replied laughing. ‘The next thing you’ll be asking me is Does my bum look big in this?'
‘I don’t think so, I’d far rather I’d a bigger bum and narrower waist.’ I replied.
After dinner Anne helped me to select a suitable outfit for the following day. We eventually decided upon a pink top and summery skirt, together with my new sandals. I would endeavour to look feminine but not too girly. Once Anne left to go out with her boyfriend I decided to spend the rest of the evening working on my appearance. I washed and conditioned my hair and Aunt Carol helped me to put it up in rollers before I sat under the drier for nearly an hour whilst reading some of the downloaded pages which I had printed out. Afterwards I checked on the state of my legs and armpits (as it was now two weeks since they had been done). I could feel the beginnings of new growth, so I carefully ran over them with one of Clare’s razors. Fortunately there was no sign of any beard growth on my chin as yet. Finally I moisturised my skin.
Life was certainly a lot more complicated to live as a girl - but it was so much more fun.
(Next time: My Gran turns out to be cleverer than her daughter thought.’
With thanks to Angharad for her help in editing.
Chapter 15
A Visit to my Gran
‘What about you, Emily? What do you hope to do?’
‘I hate school and wish I could leave,’ I replied.
‘You strike me as being quite bright, why don’t you want to stay on?’
‘I enjoyed learning things at school, but I hated the social side of it. I don’t get on with any of the guys my own age and I’m not interested in the same things as they are. I suppose if I went back there would at least be some girls in the Sixth form. I enjoy the company of girls when on their own but once they get into mixed company they become really boring.’
‘So you don’t count as ’mixed company’ then?’ commented Anne. I coloured slightly and tried to think of something to change the subject, but before I could do so Anne spoke again.
‘I’m glad that you took my advice about making the most of your opportunity to discover what it’s like to be a woman. How have you enjoyed working as a waitress?’ she asked.
‘Sometimes it’s been hard work it’s been good fun working with Clare. I hope to keep doing it until September,’ I replied.
‘I suppose what is more to the point, how do you enjoy living as Emily? Or is that a stupid question?’
‘I think it must have been fairly obvious over the last three weeks.’
‘Yes, as soon as I saw you at my twenty-first birthday meal I realised that something had changed.’
I didn’t answer, but looked out at the passing scenery.
‘So what about when your mother comes back? Do your future plans involve Chris or Emily, or perhaps both?’
‘I really don’t know the answer to that. I’m still trying to sort out my feelings’ I replied.
‘Well don’t take too long about it,’ she cautioned.
We had passed Bakewell and were driving through the beautiful scenery of the Peak District. Our conversation lapsed as we each continued engrossed in our own thoughts.
Eventually we passed the boundary of Sheffield, indicating that we were within a few minutes of arriving at Gran’s house.
‘Well, Emily, I supposed we’d better get our story straight. Who are you supposed to be, and how are we going to explain your presence to Gran,’ she asked.
I shrugged.
‘Aunt Carol suggested that we should tell Gran that I’m your friend Emily from Shrewsbury, and I’ve come along to keep you company?’
‘Won’t it seem a little odd for a twenty-one year old to have a fifteen year old as a friend?’
‘I’ll be sixteen in four days,’ I responded with mock indignation. ‘In any event Clare and Jenny keep saying that I look older when I’m wearing makeup.’
‘You do, but even so there is still quite an age gap between us.’
‘So what would you suggest that we say to her?’
‘You could always tell her the truth and explain to her that you were once her grandson Chris but now want to be known as Emily.’
‘I don’t think I’m ready for that degree of honesty, at least not until after I’ve seen Mum tomorrow. In any event, I wouldn’t want to give her a heart attack so soon after her stroke.’
She smiled.
‘Alright then we’ll stick to your story, but be careful with what you say to her, she’s more astute than Mum would have you believe.’
Gran was only in her mid-seventies, but it was quite a shock to me to see how much she had aged since I last saw her. This was mainly the result of her having suffered a minor stroke just over two weeks before, which had left her partially incapacitated. She was still being visited regularly by a carer but she was also fiercely independent and determined to manage on her own if she could. Fortunately she and Grandad had moved into a bungalow several years before he died, and had also installed some mobility aids so she was now able to walk around the house using a Zimmer frame, but was reliant on others for her shopping. Anne introduced me as a friend and I was welcomed and invited to sit down. We had wanted to take her out for lunch, but found that she had already bought in a quiche and had managed to prepare a simple salad. She also said she had ice cream in the freezer, so we agreed to stay in.
Anne had visited Gran many times and they soon began chatting about her health and how she was managing since her stroke. I tried to sit back as an onlooker during the conversation, but every so often Gran would direct a question at me, and I was forced to invent details about an imaginary family and how I came to be friendly with Anne. I hated telling lies to her and found the whole process to be a strain and a source of embarrassment. In order to avoid having to take part in the conversation I offered to clear away the dishes and wash up after lunch. I was pleased to find my offer was accepted gratefully.
‘I’ll give you a hand as well,’ Anne said.
‘No don’t worry, Anne, I can manage, you carry on talking to your gran,’ I replied.
‘Actually there’s something else you could do for me, Anne, if you don’t mind,’ said Gran.
‘Yes of course I’ll be happy to help in any way I can,’ she answered.
‘I like to have a small glass of sherry each evening, and last night I finished my bottle. Would you mind going to the local supermarket for me and buying another bottle whilst Emily does the dishes for me?’
‘Where do I have to go?’
‘It’s only a five minute walk,’ she said handing her a ten pound note and giving directions.
As soon as Anne left the house, my grandmother turned to me and asked, ‘how is your mother getting on in Europe with her business trip, Emily?’
I blushed as I hadn’t said anything to her about any business trip.
‘So you know who I am,’ I said with embarrassment.
‘Yes I’m afraid so. It took me a little time to figure it out, and I’d never have guessed if you hadn’t opened your mouth, but you’ve done nothing to disguise your voice.’
‘My cousins assured me that it wouldn’t be necessary and that my voice wouldn’t give me away.’
‘It would’ve been fine if you were visiting someone who didn’t know you and hadn’t heard you speak before. For the first half hour of your visit I never doubted that I was speaking to a young woman, but I couldn’t work out where I’d heard your voice before. Then I realised that it was the same voice I’d spoken to many times on the telephone.’
I turned bright red, lowered my eyes, but said nothing.
‘Christopher, would you now mind explaining to me why you’re dressed the way you are, and why you’ve been pretending to be a girl all morning?’
I had no choice but to tell her the whole story of the last two weeks and then explained that I had been offered work as a waitress for the rest of the summer.
‘So you’re intending to dress like this for several weeks.’
‘Yes, I think so.’
‘But surely you could’ve found yourself a summer job as a young man if you’d looked around.’
‘I suppose so, but I’d have had to borrow some money to buy myself some new clothes first, and, to be honest, I’ve been enjoying being Emily and I get on really well with Clare and her friend Jenny at work, and also Karen and Anne at home.’
‘So it would seem,’ she said looking at me more closely. ‘Who helped you to get yourself ready this morning?’
‘Nobody: I can manage to fix my hair and makeup myself.’
‘Well I have to say that you’ve made a very good job of it. What does your mother say about it all?’
I blushed again.
‘She hasn’t yet seen me dressed as Emily yet, but has seen a photograph and has been alright about it so far. We’re going to meet tomorrow evening as she has to change planes at Birmingham and flies out again the following morning.’
Gran shook her head with mild disapproval ‘Your mother travels about so much,’ she said with a sigh. ‘She is due to telephone me this evening, I’ll tell her about your visit.’
I couldn’t work out whether she also was angry with me or not. I assumed that she was.
‘Oh dear Gran, I hope I haven’t upset you, I just wanted to see how you were getting on so that I cantell Mum when I see her tomorrow,’ I said. ‘I know she’s been very worried about you and felt quite guilty that she hasn’t been able to get up to see you.’
‘That may be so, but why did you make up the story about you being Anne’s girl friend?’ she asked.
‘I’m really sorry that we misled you, it was my fault, rather than Anne’s. She wanted me to tell you the truth, but I wasn’t sure how you’d react to seeing me dressed like this. I wanted to come and see you but it wasn’t really practicable for me to change back into Christopher just for one day.’
Gran continued to look stern for a few seconds, but then sighed and began to smile.
‘Alright then, I suppose I must forgive you. I’ll always be pleased to see you even if it is as a granddaughter rather than a grandson,’ she said. ‘What about your aunt and cousins, how do they feel about you dressing as Emily?’
‘My cousins have all been very encouraging and loaned me some of their clothes or jewellery. Aunt Carol freaked a little when she discovered it for the first time, and she insisted that I told Mum, but she now seems to be a little more relaxed about the idea of having a niece rather than a nephew.’
‘Well I too was surprised to see you as a girl, but I suppose how you choose to dress is your own affair, and you do look very nice wearing a skirt and with your long hair.’
‘Thank you for the compliment,’ I said.
At this point Anne arrived back with her purchase. Gran thanked her and slowly took the bottle through to her bedroom.
‘Anne, she knows all about Chris and Emily, she recognised my voice, so I told her everything,’ I whispered as soon as she left us.
‘Is she annoyed with us?’
‘No I don’t think so. I told her it was my fault, and she hasn’t really passed detailed judgement other than to say that I looked very nice. I think she was just curious to know the background,’ I said.
‘Thank heavens for that,’ said Anne ‘I hated trying to pull the wool over her eyes.’
‘So did I, it’s quite a relief now that she knows.
Five minutes later Gran came back to the kitchen carrying two small packages.
‘Anne, here is your birthday present. I’m sorry but I was too ill to be able to send it to you at the right time,’ she said handing over one of the packages.
Anne opened it to find a rather expensive looking gold bracelet. She put it on and then gave Gran a kiss.
‘Thank you so much Gran, it’s beautiful,’ she said, admiring it.
‘It used to belong to my mother. I hope you like it.’
I was glad to have dropped out of the limelight for a while, but now she turned to me.
‘As for you, young lady, I believe it’s your birthday soon.’
‘Yes, Gran, I’m sixteen on Saturday,’ I answered.
‘I’ve already given each of my granddaughters one of my necklaces, and so you’d better have this one. However, you must promise me that when you cease to be Emily and return to being Christopher you must hand it over to your mother to keep, until you’ve a daughter of your own. I wouldn’t want to see them go out of the family.’
I opened the case and found a beautiful silver necklace with rubies, and a set of matching earrings. My gift was not as valuable as Anne’s but to me it was more attractive and feminine.
‘Thank you, Gran, they’re really gorgeous and I promise either to keep them for myself or else to hand them over to Mum.
I gave her a brief hug and a kiss.
‘Do try them on, Emily, so we can see how they look,’ Anne insisted.
I exchanged the jewellery I was already wearing - which I’d borrowed from Clare - for the new set.
‘They suit you very well,’ said my cousin.
Now that my secret was known our conversation during the remainder of the afternoon was much more open and relaxed. We chatted happily together for a couple of hours with Gran asking me more details about my life as Emily and also about how my mother was getting on. At four o’clock we had a final cup of tea and soon afterwards left to drive home.
As we were leaving Anne gave Gran a hug and exchanged a few words, then it was my turn.
‘Thank you for coming to see me Emily, I’m glad you came and hope you’ll come again soon.’’
‘I’d love to,’ I responded.
‘I’ll be talking to your mother about your visit, but don’t worry I’ll tell her how nice you looked and how helpful you were in offering to wash up for me.’
I smiled and then left, both pleased that I had come but equally glad it was all over.
I was exhausted by the strain of the visit and then the feelings of relief. I fell asleep on the way back and it wasn’t until we reached the Shrewsbury ring road that Anne decided to wake me up.
‘How did you both get on with your visit,’ Aunt Carol asked when we eventually arrived home.
‘Very well we had a good time and I think she’s beginning to get a little better,’ said Anne. ‘However she saw through Emily’s secret in no time.’
‘I wondered whether she might,’ Carol said smiling. ‘How did she react to you Emily?’
‘Once she knew the whole story she was fine, and has even given me some of her jewellery for my birthday. But, you might’ve warned me you thought I’d be discovered,’ I replied.
‘Sorry Emily, I thought it possible that she might recognise you, but knew also she would be alright about it. I didn’t want to risk discouraging you from going to see your grandmother. At least you’ll be able to tell your mother about her condition when you see her tomorrow, and now that she knows about you we can all take turns in visiting her,’ she replied.
‘Yes indeed, I suppose I’m quite pleased now she knows the truth,’ I replied.
(Next time I travel to meet Mum
but find a surprise on the way.)
With thanks to Angharad for her help in editing.
Chapter 16
Another train journey
‘Do I look alright?’ I asked my companions.
‘Yes of course, you look fine in that outfit,’ said Aunt Carol. ‘I don’t think you need to be afraid of being discovered.
‘It isn’t so much a question of discovery as Mum’s reaction to me dressed as Emily rather than as Chris,’ I said.
‘It is bound to be a bit of a shock for her to see her son wearing a skirt and with long hair and makeup, even though she has seen some pictures of you already. However, I suspect that once she gets used to the idea she’ll be proud of you,’ she answered.
Over the last few days Aunt Carol had become fully accepting of me as Emily in our conversation, although I suspect that she also still had a few reservations..
‘I hope it won’t be too much of a shock for her. I’ve been trying to get her used to the idea of having a daughter for the last fortnight.
‘I’m sure she’ll be fine, but please remember that sixteen year old girls have to be careful when they’re travelling on their own,’ she said.
‘Don’t worry! I’ll be there in less than two hours,’ I said; ‘and I’ll telephone you as soon as I arrive at the airport.’
‘Yes, please do so to stop me worrying. I couldn’t forgive myself if anything happened to you.’
‘Here you are, Emily, I’ve brought you something to read on your journey,’ said Clare, handing over a couple of teenage fashion magazines to me at the entrance to the station, whilst her mother sat in the car parked nearby on a double yellow line.
‘Thanks, that’s a good idea. If I’m busy reading on the train it’ll discourage any attempts to engage me in conversation. I’d rather not have any lads trying to chat me up if I can avoid it,’ I said.
‘Maybe not today, but there’ll come a time when you might be glad of the attention,’ said Clare.
I blushed but said nothing by way of answer.
‘Good luck then,’ said my cousin, giving me a quick kiss on the cheek.
I thanked her and walked into the station and on to the platform feeling quite good about myself, both in terms of the way I looked and because I would soon be seeing Mum again.
My journey was relatively straightforward: I had a choice of either remaining on the train as far as Birmingham New Street and then boarding a London express, which would stop at Birmingham International Station, or else I could get off my train at Wolverhampton, which was the starting point for the London expresses. Wolverhampton railway station is as bleak and uninviting as the town itself, but at least I would be guaranteed to get a seat from there. The London expresses often got very crowded and it could be a scramble to get on them at Birmingham.
I was sitting on a seat at Shrewsbury station, flicking through one of Clare’s magazines and waiting for the arrival of my train, when I heard a voice that I recognised.
‘Hello Emily, you look very smart, where are you going today?’
It was Geoff’s friend Rob, with whom I’d danced a fortnight earlier. I wasn’t sure whether I was pleased or not to meet him again, but was quite content that he had noticed my outfit.
‘Hi Rob, I’m just going to meet my mother at Birmingham Airport,’ I replied, smiling.
‘I’m going to visit my eldest sister in Nuneaton; do you mind if I travel with you as far as Birmingham?’
‘I shall only be travelling as far as Wolverhampton on this train,’ I replied, without committing myself to any other answer.
He took my response as a ‘yes’ and parked himself on the seat next to me.
‘I enjoyed the dance at The Lord Hill,’ he said.
‘So did I.’
‘I understand that your cousin Clare has been out with Geoff once or twice since. Have you been doing anything much?’
‘I’ve been very busy and also had to visit my Gran in Sheffield,’ I replied.
Fortunately our train arrived at this point.
The train from Shrewsbury was only about a third full and so we were able to occupy a table with four seats. Rob took my case and put it on the luggage rack above the seats for me. I put my magazines and handbag down on the seat next to me so we had to sit opposite one another. As he sat down his leg inadvertently touched one of mine. I felt a momentary tingle of pleasure before I moved it out of his way.
I decided it might be easier if I took control of our conversation rather than left it to him, so I started to ask about him, his family and what he was doing in Shrewsbury. He told me that he was eighteen and had a summer job on a farm nearby prior to leaving for university in the autumn. In fact he turned out to be very good company: witty, self-effacing, and unwilling to hog all the conversation. On several occasions he invited me to contribute or to tell him about my background, but I would answer only briefly before steering the conversation back towards him. In these circumstances it is best to tell as few outright lies as possible, and so I was deliberately vague about my background. In no time at all I noticed that we were travelling under the overhead electrified wires which indicated that we were approaching Wolverhampton station. Rob began to stand up in order to retrieve my case.
‘I suppose I could stay on this train as far as Birmingham,’ I said. ‘It wouldn’t make a great deal of difference to me.’
He returned me a broad smile, as if to say that it would make a great deal of difference to him, and sat down. We continued to talk together happily for another half an hour. It was a nice feeling that such a simple decision on my part seemed to give him pleasure, even though he was a year or two older than I was and also quite good looking. When we did eventually reach Birmingham Rob took down my case and carried it, together with his own, to the platform. He even helped me off the train. I could see that there were advantages in having a guy as a travelling companion to help with the luggage, especially if one is wearing high heels.
I had a fifteen minute wait until the arrival of the London train whereas he had twenty-five minutes until his local to Nuneaton.
‘May I buy you a coffee?’ he asked.
‘No thanks, I wouldn’t really have enough time to drink it,’ I replied. ‘But I’ve enjoyed having your company on the journey,’ I added as an afterthought.
That also seemed to please him.
‘When do you get back to Shrewsbury?’ he asked.
‘Tomorrow night.’
‘I’m away until next weekend, but how would you feel about meeting up some time for that coffee? Nothing heavy; just two friends having a coffee together.’
I hesitated for a moment, wanting to say yes but not sure how to answer.
‘I don’t know my work rota that far ahead, but if you have an email address I could let you know when I’m free.’ I said to give myself a little more time.
He agreed and we exchanged email addresses. I then went to the ladies toilet in order to check on my hair and repair my makeup. Nobody took a second glance at me as I did so; I was now quite confident in my appearance and demeanour as a woman, it was just in the matter of handling guys that I was uncertain of myself. Rob was still waiting for me when I emerged and it was almost time for my train. There was quite a crowd waiting to get on.
‘I’ll help you to find a seat, if you like,’ he offered.
‘Don’t worry Rob, it is only a ten minute journey, I’ll let them all get on first and stand at the end of the carriage,’ I said.
As the crowd fought to get on the train Rob and I stood back. Then, rather bashfully, he kissed me on the cheek. I turned towards him and smiled.
‘Thanks for helping me with my luggage. I’ll email when I know my rota.’
Once the queue to board had subsided he helped me on and handed me my case. As he did so I gave him a quick kiss on the lips and went in the carriage without looking back.
‘Oh Emily, whatever made you do that?’ I thought to myself, as I sat on my suitcase at the end of the carriage, not quite believing what had just happened.
Twenty minutes later I was standing in the Arrivals Hall at Birmingham Airport inspecting the indicator board. I was in plenty of time and my mother’s flight wouldn’t be landing for another thirty minutes. I guessed it would be at least an hour before she emerged from the Arrivals Gate. I therefore bought myself a coffee and sat down to make the promised call to inform Aunt Carol that I’d arrived safely at my destination and had not been abducted, murdered, or sold into slavery along the way. My mind was still in some turmoil regarding Rob and the train journey so, as soon as I finished talking to Aunt Carol I decided to have a talk with Clare on her mobile phone.
‘Hi Emily, is everything ok?’ she asked as she answered my call.
‘I’m fine and am just waiting for Mum’s plane to arrive, but I wanted to talk to you if it is convenient.’
‘Yes, of course, what do you want to talk about?’
‘I ran into Rob on Shrewsbury station and travelled to Birmingham with him.‘
‘I’m afraid I’m partly to blame there; he was originally intending to travel on Sunday night after the festival, but I let it slip over the weekend that you were travelling to Birmingham on Monday and so he seems to have changed his plans,’ she confessed.
‘But how did he know which train I would be travelling on?’
‘I may have let that slip out as well. Sorry!’
She didn’t sound particularly sorry.
‘I wish you’d warned me.’
‘How was your journey?’ How did you get on?’ she said, rapidly changing the subject.
‘It was fine, he was good company, but he has asked me out again and I don’t know what to do,’ I replied.
‘Well you must have some idea whether you like him or not?’
‘I like him well enough, but the idea of going out with a guy frightens me. When I agreed to dress as Emily I didn’t envisage going on dates as her as well.’
‘Well you can’t go round looking as beautiful as you did at Anne’s dinner without attracting some attention from the opposite sex. I always thought you liked it when guys said how nice you looked.’
‘I did enjoy the dance and I don’t mind a little bit of mild flirting at work. I also quite liked it when Rob carried my case for me or helped me off the train, but going out with him is different.
‘You never know, it might be good fun.’
‘I don’t know Clare; in some respects I’d like to go out with him, but what’ll happen when he finds out about Chris?’
‘Does he have to know about Chris?’
‘Yes, I could never keep it from him. It was bad enough that I kissed him without his first knowing.’
‘So you kissed him again today?’
‘Yes, but only after he kissed me first,’ I said defensively.
‘I see,’ said Clare in a knowing voice. ‘So how have you left things with him?’
‘I’ve promised to email him during the week.’
‘So why don’t you tell him by email, and let him decide what to do about it.’
‘He’ll go bananas and accuse me of tricking him,’ I said.
‘How do you know that? You have to give him the chance to respond. You never know but he may still wish to go out with you.’
‘I don’t think so.’
‘Well, in that case you’ve not lost anything. You don’t have to see one another again.’
The arrivals board showed my mother’s flight about to land. I still had at least half an hour to wait for her. I made my way to an Internet kiosk and paid to use my email. I then drafted the following note:
Dear Rob,
It was good to see you again this afternoon and I did so enjoy your company. I would be happy to see you again, on the understanding it was as you said nothing heavy! — Just two friends sharing a coffee.
However, before we do so there is something I need to tell you that may well cause you to change your mind. You see, no matter how I may look, feel and act, I am not physically a girl. I was born and brought up as Christopher, and, as yet, I have done nothing to change that, other than spending the last few weeks living and working as Emily.
Those weeks have convinced me that I should have been a woman, and that I need to begin the process of becoming one as quickly as possible. I am truly sorry if this has shocked you or you think I have tricked you, but it wasn’t deliberate. Although I really liked you on that first occasion we met, I deliberately kept you at arm’s length — for your own sake. I am sorry that I kissed you this afternoon; I got carried away and should never have done so, without first telling you about my situation.
If, after reading the above, you have no wish to see me again, I will understand and not think any less of you. I would only ask you not to make a big fuss or blame my cousin. She means well but doesn’t always think about the consequences of what she does. If, however, you feel that you can cope with having me as a friend and still wish to see me again, then I would really love to see you. You can contact me by email or my mobile any time.
Love,
Emily x
I read the draft of my message through several times, wondering how he might react to it or whether I’d even send it. He clearly had no idea about my background, and it was only fair to let him known before things went any further.
As I was reading through my unsent message for the fourth or fifth time, my mobile phone rang: it was a call from Mum.
‘Hi, Mum, Emily here, where are you?’
‘Hello, dear, I’ve passed through Passport Control and am waiting for my luggage to arrive on the belt. I’ll probably be about ten minutes more. I was just ringing to check you were waiting and to find out where we should meet.’
‘Of course I’m here waiting for you. I haven’t seen you for a while and have such a lot of news. I’ll be waiting near to the gate in the arrivals. I’m wearing an off-white skirt and jacket and a red blouse,’ I answered.
‘Good, I’m looking forward to seeing you very soon, love.’
The time for procrastinating was over. I hit the ‘send’ button and logged off the computer. I had no idea when he would receive my message, and how he would react when he did do so. I’d just have to wait and see. I made my way to the meeting area in front of the arrivals gate where there were a number of people waiting to greet passengers.
(Next time At last I get to see Mum
and we talk about my future.)
With thanks to Angharad for her help in editing.
Chapter 17
A meeting with Mum
‘Hello, Mum,’ I said feeling my cheeks burning with embarrassment as I walked alongside her.
She turned to face me and gasped in surprise.
‘Emily–but you look so lovely,’ she said.
‘Thanks,’ I said smiling and blushing at the same time. ‘You look pretty good yourself.’
We hugged and she kissed me on the cheek.
She then stood back as if to scrutinise me holding my hands.
‘You really do look good; who helped you to put on your make-up this morning?’ she asked.
It was the same question that my grandmother had asked the previous day.
‘I did it myself, of course,’ I answered laughing.
‘In that case you’ve made a good job of it.’
I blushed again, but was pleased that she had noticed.
‘My friend Jenny helped me to choose this outfit, which I bought with the money you sent me.’
‘You both chose well, it suits you,’ she replied without expressing any surprise. ‘But come on,’ she said suddenly becoming more business-like, ‘we can’t stay here admiring one another. Let’s find the hotel and check into our room; then we can have a pot of tea together and talk about everything that has happened over the last four weeks.’
‘What about your other suitcase?’ I asked.
‘Oh that’s already checked in for the entire journey, I’ve only brought what I needed for tonight with me, and some presents for you to take back to Shrewsbury,’ she answered.
‘May I take that one for you?’
She looked at my high heels and the fact that I was already carrying a weekend case and a handbag.
‘No that’ll be alright thanks, dear, I can manage; you look after your own case.’
Her manner of addressing me seemed to have changed; she’d never refer to Chris as ‘dear’.
We crossed the road outside the Terminal and walked into the hotel reception. Mum checked us in as Jill Richardson and her daughter Emily, without any hesitation, and paid with her credit card. The receptionist smiled at me momentarily but otherwise hardly gave me a second look. She handed over two key cards for our room and directed us to the lift. Once inside our bedroom we set down the cases on the racks provided, and my mother filled the kettle whilst I sat down on one bed, smoothing my skirt as I did so.
‘How has the trip been so far?’ I asked.
‘It’s been very successful indeed, thank you, dear. I’ve made several outright sales and one new line is in production ready to be launched next spring. I’ve also taken lots of orders for completion over the next year.
‘That’s good news,’ I replied.
She then looked severely at me as a signal that she wanted to change the subject.
‘And what about, you? You’d better tell me how you’ve been getting on’ she asked in sympathetic tones.
I shrugged.
‘I think I’ve already told you most of my news, I’ve been having a lovely time and have now earned more than enough to cover the money that I lost,’ I answered.
‘So it would seem.’
I wasn’t sure what to say next. I knew what I wanted to say, but was uncertain whether this was the right moment to say it.
‘Anne and I went to see Gran yesterday,’ I volunteered, changing the subject.
‘Yes I know, I spoke to her on the telephone last night and she told me all about your visit,’ she replied.
‘What did she say? I hope she wasn’t upset by my visit.’
‘No; I got the impression it was quite the opposite. Once she’d gotten over her surprise at the way you were dressed, I think she was pleased to see you and quite impressed with her new granddaughter.’
‘That’s a relief. Now she knows about Emily, I’ll be happy to visit her again fairly soon, Karen, Anne or Aunt Carol will probably take me there,’ I answered.
‘Yes, I’d like you to do that, particularly as I’m unable to go and see her myself at present,’ she said.
There was an uncomfortable lull in our conversation, whilst my mother made us both a cup of tea. Neither of us knew quite how to introduce the subject that was on both our minds. Eventually my mother broke the silence.
‘Well, young lady, I know you’ve been sending me emails and pictures of yourself, but I think it’s now time for you to explain in detail just how it is that when I left the UK I had a son, and now I seem to have acquired a daughter.’
Over the next forty minutes or so I went through the whole story again. At times she would interrupt with questions which I sought to answer as honestly as I could. I didn’t try to disguise from her my feelings or that I wished to continue living as a girl. I pointed out that I hadn’t caused any serious problems or embarrassment to her sister, my three cousins nor, for that matter, to myself.
‘For how long have you wanted to dress this way?’
‘I’d never considered the possibility four weeks ago, but I knew that something was wrong with my life and that I wasn’t happy as things were. Once I started to work as Emily everything began to feel different. It was as if the sun had suddenly come out after a long and dreary day. It just felt right for me,’ I answered shrugging my shoulders.
‘How long are you intending to go on living at Emily?’
‘There’ll be work available until the end of the summer holidays and Aunt Carol and my cousins appear to be prepared to have me stay until then,’ I replied.
‘And then what?’
‘You’ll be back from your tour and I’ll return home,’ I said, ducking the issue.
There was a long silence whilst she was thinking. After a minute or two I decided to talk.
‘So what do you think about it all, Mum,’ I asked anxiously.
‘To be honest, I’m not sure what to think. I’ll just have to see how I get used to the idea of having a daughter. I suppose I should be upset with you but it is hard to be annoyed with someone who looks so lovely and seems to be so happy,’ she said. ‘Also losing your case, which was the catalyst for these events, wasn’t entirely your fault.’
‘It wasn’t so much a question of my losing my clothes as discovering an entirely new aspect to my life,’ I answered.
She looked into my eyes.
‘But will I get my son back at the end of the summer?’ she asked.
I sighed and looked towards the floor. I couldn’t keep ducking the issue.
‘I don’t know, Mum! The way I feel at present is that I don’t want to go back to being Chris. I don’t want to go back to having to pretend that everything is alright. My feelings may change in time, but at present I don’t see that happening.’
She didn’t respond.
‘I realise that this must have come as a shock for you, but, if you do lose a son, you’ll also gain a daughter at the same time,’ I said to break the silence.
‘But what about your schooling?’ she asked.
‘I’ll get my ‘O,’ level results later this month. I think I’ve probably done alright, but I don’t want to go back into the sixth form,’ I said. ‘I’d prefer to get a job and study for my ‘A’ levels in the evenings.’
‘Are you sure that is a good idea?’ she asked.
‘I didn’t like the atmosphere of school and didn’t have any friends there,’ I answered. ‘I think I’d be better off working.’
‘What kind of job would you want to do?’ she asked.
I looked away for a moment.
‘One which I could do whilst remaining as Emily,’ I said quietly.
‘So you want to remain living as Emily after the end of the summer,’ she asked.
‘Yes, I think so,’ I answered blushing.
‘But how long for?’
I don’t know, I’m still trying to work out what I feel.’
‘Me too,’ she answered. ‘I’ve been thinking about you ever since I received your first email, and I wonder why I was not totally surprised when I heard the news.’
‘You can’t have been expecting me to lose my case and end up working as a waitress?’
‘No but I’ve always felt that you were never entirely comfortable as a boy. As a toddler you used to love to dress up in my clothes.’
‘I don’t remember that,’ I said.
‘In the end I had to lock my bedroom door and find other things for you to do,’ she said.
‘Really? I’ve no recollection. I must have blotted it out from my mind.’
‘It also worried me that you’d no real friends at school,’ she continued.
‘I never realised that you’d noticed,’ I replied. ‘But I now have two very good female friends; we get on together very well both at work and hanging out together afterwards.’
‘So I understand from Clare, but you’re coming to an age where boys and girls tend to form relationships?’
I blushed, thinking about the incident with Rob, not more than two hours before. However, he would probably want nothing more to do with me, so there was no point in troubling Mum with the information.
‘I’ve been asked out a couple of times but I declined and have deliberately steered clear of any sexual encounters until I know what I want to do with my life.’
‘I’m relieved about that, at least for the time being,’ she said.
For thirty seconds or so neither of us said anything.
‘There is a lot for us both to think about, let us leave any decision about your leaving school for now; perhaps we can talk again after breakfast in the morning.’
Then, as if to break the spell, my mother deliberately changed the subject.
‘I’ll say one thing, Emily, it’s a lot easier to buy a birthday present for you as a daughter than as a son. I’ve bought you a new dress and some jewellery in Prague. They’re in my suitcase, would you like to try them on?’ she asked.
‘Oh yes please,’ I answered excitedly.
Mum had clearly been in contact with one of my cousins since she knew my dress size and what sort of styles would suit me and complement my existing wardrobe. She had bought me a lemon yellow cotton summer dress which fitted me exactly, together with a necklace and a pair of earrings which matched them. She helped me to put them on.
‘Thanks very much,’ I said as I stood in front of the mirror. ‘How do I look?’
‘You look lovely and the colouring suits you,’ she said, clearly pleased with her purchases and we hugged and I pecked her on the cheek.
‘May I wear them when we go down to dinner tonight,’ I asked excitedly.
‘Strictly speaking the dress is for your birthday on Saturday, but as I won’t be around to see you then, I think we can stretch a point,’ she answered.
She also handed me a birthday card, which I opened. She had chosen one addressed ‘To my lovely daughter’. The message said how proud she was of me. I gave her a long hug so that she couldn’t see that there were tears in my eyes.
‘Thanks, Mum, for the super presents and a lovely card,’ I said sniffing.
We both had a shower and proceeded to get ourselves ready to go to the restaurant in the hotel. Mum again commented on my skills in using cosmetics and in styling my hair, but insisted on helping me with the latter nevertheless. It was nice to have her brush my hair for me.
‘My cousins and my friend Jenny have all been teaching me how to look and sound more like a girl,’ I said.
‘It appears as if there has been a conspiracy to turn you into an attractive young lady,’ commented my mother, but she didn’t sound angry about it.
‘I don’t think there was any deliberate plan on their part. Things just developed that way and have tended to escalate. I suppose they could all see that I was having a good time as Emily.’
‘What does Carol think about it all now?’
‘I thought you’ve discussed it with her already,’ I said.
‘Yes I have, and heard about your dinner party, but I’d like to hear your version as well.’
‘She was away for the first two weeks, and freaked a little when she found out about Emily, but she was more concerned with what you might think. Once I’d told you and had your permission to continue, she was alright. She’s getting used to the idea of me as a girl and even took me out shopping with her on Saturday.
‘I get the impression that Carol doesn’t mind things continuing as they are whilst I’m away,’ she said.
‘So may I continue then?’ I asked.
‘Alright then, I’ll agree whilst I’m away during the summer, but we’ll need to talk about your long term future.’
We had our meal and chatted happily like any mother and daughter. I told her all about my job, and she told me exactly what she’d been doing and her plans for developing her business once she got back at the beginning of September.
‘If sales continue to go well I’ll need to employ someone to look after things when I’m away,’ she said. ‘I’ve been able to cope so far by means of email and redirecting my phone messages to voicemail, but I’m going to need someone who can deal with my post and everyday problems that crop up. Ideally, I could also do with somewhere larger to live where I could have my own studio, but we can’t really afford anything larger at present.’
‘Property prices are rather high where we live. If you moved to somewhere like Shrewsbury you’d be able to afford somewhere larger to live and work,’ I suggested.
‘I agree, now that I’m freelance I no longer need to be based in such an expensive location. Maybe we can think about moving when you’ve finished your ‘A’ levels.’
‘Surely the answer would be for us to move house as soon as possible, before I start my ‘A’ level course. I could then work for you part time and study on my own,’ I said.
‘You mean for you to work and study as Emily rather than Chris.’
I nodded.
‘Wouldn’t you be lonely working and studying on your own?’
‘No lonelier than I was before. If you came to Shrewsbury I’d have Clare and Jenny as girlfriends. I might also be able to do some occasional weekend work as a waitress’. ‘
‘You seem to have it all worked out,’ she said, and then changed the subject.
Mum was not due to fly out until midday on Tuesday but got up early and had a shower before getting dressed. I followed her, deciding to put on my suit and blouse once again as these were more bulky than either of the alternatives. She was the first to use the dressing table, and then waited for me whilst I fixed my hair and makeup.
I’ve also brought some samples of the new lingerie line for your cousins, your aunt, and also yourself. Will you be able to take them back with you?’
‘Yes, as long as they’re not too bulky. I’ll not have any room left in my case after your birthday present, so I’ll have to take them in a carrier bag.’
She handed over five matching sets of lingerie all in different colours.
‘You can take your pick; all those other than the white ones should fit you.’
‘In that case I’d like the girly rose pink set, please’ I said smiling.
‘You really do like being a girl,’ she said shaking her head.
‘I should’ve thought that was obvious by now,’ I replied.
‘Emily, I’ve been thinking about what we were discussing last night,’ she continued. ‘You’re almost sixteen and ought to be old enough to make up your own mind about your life. If you really don’t want to return to school and wish to spend the next few months living as a young woman, I suppose it’ll be alright with me.’
‘Thank you Mum, I’m glad that you understand,’ I replied feeling greatly relieved.
‘Also your idea about moving to the Midlands makes sense. I know we would have no difficulty selling our house. If you look for somewhere suitable in Shrewsbury over the next few weeks and email me the details I’ll give the matter some more thought. Maybe I could also offer you some part-time office work if you like. I’ll need to be better organised about dealing with my customers, especially when I’m away. However, I’d also like you to continue to study as well.’
‘That would be great Mum,’ I said. ‘I’d enjoy working for you, but have every intention of continuing with my studies.’
‘But in the longer term you’ll have to decide about what you wish to do with your life.’
She was right, it was going to be up to me to decide who I wanted to be. I wasn’t sure who I wanted to be, although I was increasingly coming to the conclusion that it wasn’t Chris.
‘Yes I realise that I’ll have to make some difficult and far-reaching decisions over the next few months,’ I replied.
We went down to the restaurant and had a leisurely breakfast together before returning to our room to pack and check out of the hotel. We carried on a desultory conversation but we each seemed to be pre-occupied with our own thoughts.
’Would I be happy to spend the rest of my life as Emily? Is that truly what I want? Should I tell Mum that I am thinking about taking female hormones?’ All these and many more thoughts went through my mind. I strongly suspected that my future was as Emily but wasn’t certain. I decided to give Mum a little more time to get used to Emily before I broke any such news to her.
After we packed I accompanied Mum to her check in desk in terminal two.
‘Goodbye, Emily, I’m so pleased that we’ve had this time together. I’ll see you early in September, but keep in touch and please give my love to your Aunt and your cousins.’
‘I will; I hope you have a good trip and thanks for everything, Mum.’
‘You know I’m very proud of you, and I think that I’m going to enjoy living and working with my new daughter,’ she replied.
A small tear fell from my eye as I waved to her as she passed through the security control. I therefore made my way to the ladies toilet to repair my makeup.
(Next time I return to Shrewsbury
and begin to sort out my social life.)
With thanks to Angharad for her help in editing.
Chapter 18
Establishing a social life
Before taking the shuttle from the Airport to Birmingham International Station for my train to Shrewsbury, I bought half an hour on an Internet terminal and checked my email. There was a message waiting for me from Rob, which I opened with some trepidation. It was short and to the point.
Dear Emily,
Your email came as a total surprise. I had absolutely no idea! I don’t know what to think at present, but I will contact you when I get back to Shrewsbury next Sunday.
Rob
I think that was about as good as I might hope for. At least he hadn’t seemed to be angry or accused me of tricking him. I responded
Dear Rob,
Sorry for having shocked you, but it was only fair that you should know. Take as long as you need, and only get in touch if you want to.
Love,
Emily xx
At least I’d made it clear that I was still interested, everything else was in his hands.
The first train to arrive at Birmingham International was an express which went through to Wolverhampton. There were a good number of seats vacant once the airport passengers had left and so I was able to sit on my own occupying two adjoining seats, without any difficulty. I tried to read one of Clare’s magazines but in reality spent most of the time going through the events of the last two days in my mind and trying to make sense of my feelings. Things were now moving so quickly, it was as if I was in a boat being carried along in a torrent. Yet I was not frightened; if anything I was feeling exhilarated by the experience.
Once at Wolverhampton, I found out the likely time of my arrival at Shrewsbury and telephoned Aunt Carol to let her know that I was on my way home. She offered to collect me from the station.
‘Thanks. I was intending to take a bus, but it’ll be hard work to walk to the bus station in these heels and with my luggage.’
‘Clare and I have to do some shopping, so we’ll be taking the car into town. I suggest you telephone me again when you arrive and I’ll tell you where you can find us.’
An hour and a half later I was sitting in a coffee bar in Shrewsbury with my cousin and my aunt, having just deposited most of my luggage in the car. I handed over their respective gifts.
‘Mum also bought me a rather cute yellow dress for my birthday, I’ll show it to you when I get home,’ I said.
‘So you’d better tell us how you got on then,’ instructed Carol.
I shrugged, not knowing quite what to say.
‘Mum was pleased to see me and we spent an enjoyable evening together at the airport hotel,’ I answered.
‘Of course she was pleased to see you, but what did she say about Emily?’ Carol asked.
‘She seemed to cope quite well with the idea of having a daughter and wanted to know the full story. She asked me about my plans for the future, but in the end accepted that Chris had been depressed and how much happier I was as Emily. She was quite relaxed about things continuing as they are until she gets back at the beginning of September,’ I answered.
‘And then what?’
‘She’s talking about moving away from Eastbourne to somewhere cheaper, where she could set up her own studio. I suggested moving to Shrewsbury.’
‘That’d be nice if it did ever happen,’ said Carol.
‘She’s asked me to look out for suitable premises in the local Estate Agents and send her the details,’ I continued.
‘But what’s going to happen about you and your longer term future?’
I looked her in the eyes and did my best to sound confident and relaxed.
‘Mum has agreed to let me continue living as Emily at home for a while as long as I continue studying for my ‘A,’ levels at the same time. Mum has even offered to employ me part-time,’ I answered.
‘So you really are determined to remain as Emily,’ she said.
‘For a few months at least,’ I answered.
‘And then what?’
I shrugged my shoulders.
‘Ultimately I’ll have to decide what I want to do with my life and whether it’ll involve Chris or Emily. At the moment I’m having a great time exploring the options for Emily.’
Clare came to my rescue.
‘Good for you, Emily,’ she said, ‘are you going to tell Jenny and my sisters the good news?’
‘I suppose I’ll have to, now that you both know,’ I replied.
We finished our coffee and made our way back to their car.
‘Mum, can I organise a special tea with a cake to celebrate Emily’s birthday on Saturday and also the beginning of her new life,’ asked Clare.
‘I suppose so, as long as you’re prepared to make the necessary arrangements and clear up afterwards.’
Who will be coming?’ I asked.
‘Just my sisters, Jenny and our various boyfriends,’ she replied.
‘Will that be alright with you Emily?’ Carol asked.
‘I’m not sure,’ I said. ‘Jim and Daniel are ok as they already know about me, but I don’t know about the others.’
‘Come on Emily, you can’t live in an all-female shell all summer. You need to learn how to interact with guys as well. In any event, it’ll give us both a chance to meet Jenny’s new boyfriend.’
‘Can we trust him to keep my secret?’
‘I hope so, but who could he tell that’d have any effect on you?’
‘The Shrewsbury Chronicle, or perhaps even The News of the World’ I suggested, ‘in which case I’m sure I wouldn’t be able to show my face again in this town.’
‘I don’t think you would be that much of a celebrity these days, unless, of course, you did something truly outrageous. But if you’re worried Jenny and I’ll swear him to absolute secrecy, on pain of perpetual banishment from our friendship.’
‘Alright but you’d better also explain to Geoff about me in advance so that he doesn’t freak out at the party.’
‘He already knows, apparently Rob phoned him to ask if he knew about you when he received your email. Geoff and I spoke about you last night; he was surprised by the news as well but in the end was quite relaxed about your situation.’
‘In that case you’ll need to check who’s working on Saturday evening first of all,’ I answered, feeling a little stunned by Clare’s revelations.
‘I’ve already done so and everybody is free,’ she answered.
Carol left us to go to pay at the parking kiosk.
‘Emm, would you mind if I also invited Rob as well now he knows all about you?’ asked Clare.
‘I wouldn’t mind but I don’t think he’s planning to come back to Shrewsbury until Sunday, and in any event I can’t see him wanting to come when everyone else but me will be coupled up.’
‘I did try to get him fixed up with Jenny, but it came to nothing. I get the impression that he really likes you,’ she said.
I blushed, and tried not to let myself think the possibility.
‘Perhaps he did before he knew about my background.’
When I got home I handed over my mother’s gifts to Karen and Anne and told them about my plans for the autumn. They both professed themselves pleased for me but neither seemed particularly surprised by my intentions. They also confirmed that they would be happy to join me in a birthday tea at 6.00 pm on Saturday together with their boyfriends. Everybody in the house apart from me had made plans to go out for the evening, but I welcomed the opportunity to stay in unpack my clothes and reconsider the implications of my recent meeting with my mother. I also continued my investigations on the internet. For the first time I began to think about the implications of a permanent transition to Emily.
Joyce had arranged a very full schedule of work for the three of us for the remainder of the week, beginning soon after breakfast and sometimes not finishing until ten at night, although we did of course have meal breaks. As a result I would be able to complete nearly a full-weeks work by Friday evening. As we were returning to the kitchens after work on Wednesday she called me over to her office to pay my wages which were due.
‘I understand that you’ll be sixteen on Saturday Emily.’
I confirmed that it was so.
‘Well this is just to thank you for being such a hard working waitress over the last three and a half weeks and to hope that you will stay on for as long as you’re staying in the area.’
She handed me my wages due together with a card that contained a £30.00 Boots voucher.
‘Thank you so much Joyce, I’m really pleased that you took the risk in employing me,’ I answered, and I hope to be staying until my mother returns to the UK at the beginning of September.
‘I’m glad that we did as well,’ she said.
On Saturday morning I came down to breakfast to find that there were seven cards and a gift-wrapped parcel, all addressed To Emily, waiting for me on the table. I wasn’t really expecting anything more than a few cards. However, my two elder cousins and their respective boyfriends had clubbed together with Clare and Jenny in order to buy me a lightweight summer jacket that had clearly been chosen with my new dress in mind. There were also girly cards from my granny and aunt, my three cousins (each one also signed by their boyfriends), Jenny, and, somewhat to my surprise, even one from Rob.
I just had time to thank everyone before Karen and Anne left for work. Aunt Carol was also busy that day, but Clare and I only had a small job to do at lunchtime which would only involve a couple of hours. We went into Shrewsbury together a little earlier than was needed. Clare had to collect my birthday cake and I wanted to call into Boots to buy myself a new lipstick, some more nail varnish to go with my new dress, and some smellies using Joyce’s voucher.
‘Have you spoken to Rob about me?’ I asked as we sat together on the bus.
‘Yes, I told him it was your birthday today and invited him to join us tonight, but only after you said I could.’
‘What was his reaction?’
‘He said he’d been surprised by your news, but he didn’t freak out or anything. He told me that he was amused that he’d been so taken in and glad that things hadn’t gone any further between you. He wasn’t sure whether or not he could come tonight, due to family commitments.’
I felt a combination of relief and disappointment by what she said.
‘I always assumed that any guy would look down upon me once he knew.’
‘I don’t see why that should be so, girls are far superior beings to boys and so it’s perfectly understandable for you to aspire to be one. In any event, nobody could possibly look down on someone as attractive as you.’
‘That’s kind of you to say so.’
‘No, I’m being quite serious, pretty young girls like you can have plenty of power over men, if only they learn how make full use of it.’
I blushed, and was pleased that there was nobody sitting near to us who might overhear our conversation.
‘So how do I learn how do use this power?’ I asked.
‘Just use your instincts. It’ll partly come with confidence in the way you look, which you’re gradually beginning to achieve. If it feels right then it probably is. Above all, remember you’ve nothing to be ashamed of or to apologise for. If other people are unable to deal with the way you dress then it’s their problem not yours.’
‘I suppose you’re right. Do you think I should ring Jenny to tell her to warn her new boyfriend about me,’ I said.
‘He already knows, I told her to tell him when you said I could tell Rob. He is also kewl about the idea and is looking forward to meeting you.’
‘My goodness, this little tea party is going to be quite — um make that very - stressful for me.’
‘If you look as good as you normally do, then you’ve nothing to worry or feel awkward about,’ she said. ‘What’re you planning to wear?’
‘I thought I’d wear the yellow dress that Mum gave me, Granny’s jewellery, the coat that you bought me, and the watch and perfume Aunt Carol gave me. That way everyone will be represented,’ I replied.
‘Good, and make sure you leave yourself plenty of time to fix your hair and makeup. Remember that I’ll be doing all the arrangements this afternoon, your job is to come in looking totally gorgeous.’
‘Alright, Miss Bossy,’ I said laughing, but just a little disappointed that Rob wouldn’t be there.
I followed Clare’s advice once we finished work. I had a long soak in a perfumed bubble bath, making sure that my legs, arms and armpits were completely smooth. Finally I devoted an hour and a half to getting myself ready to meet my friends.
(Next time My birthday tea, and aftermath.)
With thanks to Angharad for her help in editing.
Chapter 19
The boyfriend
‘Hello Emily, I’m sorry that I was late for your birthday tea,’ said a voice behind me.
I turned and saw Rob looking a little awkward. He was holding a small package that he offered to me.
‘I’ve only just got back to Shrewsbury, but better late than never. Happy birthday!’
He kissed me on the cheek, and I went nearly as red as he was. I opened the package and it contained a peach coloured teddy with a lace trim.
‘Oo la la!’ commented Clare who was standing nearby.
‘I hope you like it,’ said Rob continuing to blush.
It was nice, but I wanted to die from embarrassment. Thank heavens that Aunt Carol was no longer present.
‘I like it very much, thank you, and I’m pleased you were able to come,’ I forced myself to say, and briefly returned his kiss.
There was an awkward silence during which nobody spoke. I felt as if everybody’s eyes were upon me, and ideally I should have liked my guests to disappear so that I could have a private word with Rob, but that was not possible.
‘Why don’t we all go out for a drink together somewhere in the country?’ suggested Geoff. ‘I’ve got my Dad’s six-seater car.’
‘That’d be ok by me, but what do the girls think?’ answered Rob.
Both Clare and Jenny seemed quite keen on the idea but they turned to look for my reaction, since it was my birthday.
‘I suppose it’ll be alright, but I’d better stick to orange juice as I’m still under age,’ I said.
‘I don’t think anyone would guess that by looking at you,’ said Rob.
I quickly put my various birthday presents away in my room, and then we all cleared up the various plates and glasses and loaded them in the dishwasher, before leaving to go out. Geoff had parked his father’s car in a lay-by on the road just outside the drive. As we walked to the car, Clare and Jenny naturally gravitated towards their respective boyfriends leaving me with Rob. Clare was evidently intending to sit in the front seat next to Geoff. Rob and I were next to arrive and he held the rear door open for me and pushed forward the seats to enable me to get in to the back row. He then climbed in next to me. Jenny and Ken followed and filled the middle row. At least with everybody else facing forwards and talking among themselves, Rob and I could have a tiny bit of privacy for the first time that evening, so long as long as we spoke quietly.
‘Sorry if you think that I misled you,’ I whispered under my breath.
‘I did think you were a bit young to be engaged,’ he smiled.
I blushed and looked down at the ring which I was still wearing on my left hand. I moved it to the index finger of my right hand, glad that I’d taken the trouble to manicure my nails and renew the polish on them.
‘There,’ I said showing him my left hand, with no ring. ‘I hope you don’t mind being lumbered with my company this evening,’ I added coyly.
He smiled and gently took my hand.
‘I wouldn’t have agreed to come out for a drink if I’d not been happy to talk to you,’ he answered.
The conversation among the others subsided at that point and so I didn’t respond but let him continue to hold my hand until it was time for us to get out of the car.
Nothing much happened whilst we were out that evening. We found an attractive country pub on the road to Welshpool, not far from the Welsh border. It had largish trestle tables in the beer garden and so the six of us were able to sit in a group together. We stayed there for about an hour and a half chatting about a variety of things, telling stories about our different jobs, schools or colleges or else cracking jokes. Sometimes the conversation would involve the whole group and sometimes individuals with their immediate neighbours, but nothing intimate. Everybody seemed to be having a relaxed time and I was treated no differently from Clare or Jenny — just one of the girls, and nobody queried my age. Ideally, I’d have liked to get Rob on his own for a heart to heart chat, and I got the feeling he would not have objected to doing so, but it was not really feasible to do so without attracting the attention of the others.
Eventually, after a second drink, I went to the ladies and Clare decided that she would come with me.
‘Emm, would you mind if we drop you and Rob at the house and I go back for a coffee at Geoff’s place? There’s something I need to discuss with him. Rob should be able to take the last bus into town from the stop near our house.’
‘What about Jenny and Ken?’ I asked.
‘We’ll drop them at her place first, his motorcycle is there.’
This all sounded a little bit too convenient, but, on the other hand, it would at least provide me with the opportunity to say a few words to Rob in private. If nothing else I’d be able to wish him good night, without having to worry what the others might be thinking.
‘Yes, that’ll be fine,’ I replied.
‘Of course you could always invite Rob in for a coffee at our place if you wanted, and then he could get a taxi home. I don’t think any of the others will be back before 11.30pm, and you do seem to be getting on alright together,’ she added with her mischievous smile.
‘Hey, is this some kind of a conspiracy?’ I asked.
‘No, not at all, I was just pointing out an opportunity for you to get to know him a little better,’ she said smiling.
‘I’ll think about it,’ I said, blushing like a stop light.
’I really must learn to stop myself from blushing like this all the time,’ I thought to myself.
The group didn’t stay out late. At about ten o’clock Geoff and Clare dropped Rob and myself at the entrance to my aunt’s drive; the house was in darkness. We waved to them as they drove off.
‘Thanks for coming back early for my birthday tea and for the lovely birthday present and card,’ I said.
‘I hope you’ve had a happy birthday,’ he replied a little awkwardly.
‘I have now, thanks also for being so understanding about everything,’ I said giving meaningful emphasis to the last word.
‘Not at all, I’ve enjoyed myself this evening; especially your company,’ he said. ‘Maybe we could meet up sometime for that coffee that I promised you?’
For a moment I was paralysed by indecision. He was, after all, inviting me to do something that I truly wanted; but was I letting myself go beyond my depth? Then I remembered Clare’s advice to me about following my instincts.
‘You could come in for a cup of coffee now if you like. I’m afraid it would mean that you missed the last bus, but it won’t cost you that much more to take a taxi instead,’ I suggested.
‘Alright then, yeah I’d like that very much,’ he replied looking into my eyes.
‘But it might be better if you left before my Aunt gets back at eleven thirty, just in case she gets the wrong idea,’ I said.
‘Why ever would she do that?’ he chuckled putting his arm round my shoulder, as we walked down the drive to my aunt’s house.
Ten minutes later we were sitting in the kitchen together sipping instant coffee and having an extra slice of my birthday cake. At first our conversation was fairly matter of fact, relating to my meeting with Mum and his stay with his sister, but after a while we seemed to run out of things to say. Neither of us seemed very willing to raise the topic which was on both our minds. At last, after a minute or so of awkward silence, Rob ventured into uncharted territory.
‘Emily, you still haven’t said whether or not you would like us to meet up again,’ he said.
‘What to do?’ I asked innocently.
He shrugged his shoulders.
‘I don’t know, we could go out for a meal, or a drink, or go see a film or just go out for a walk together. We could even go clubbing, or whatever else you want to do, just to get to know one another a little better. It doesn’t have to be anything heavy as I’ve to go back to Uni in six weeks and you’ll soon need to go back to school in Sussex.’
This time I plucked up courage and took his hand.
‘Look Rob, before we go any further, you do know exactly what I am and what I’m not,’ I said.
‘I think you made that clear in your email and in any event Clare has told me and Geoff the whole story.’ Then he added, ‘but you can’t always control whom you’re attracted to.’
‘I know what you mean, I thought to myself.
‘So won’t there be ’issues’ for you with your friends or family in going out with someone like me?’
He shrugged.
‘I’ve no idea. There might be, but we’d have to take things slowly and deal with them as they arise. How about for you?’ he asked.
‘Jenny, Clare and her sisters would be cool about it, but I’m not sure how my Aunt or my Mother would react to the news.’
‘You are now sixteen. Do you have to tell them?’
‘I suppose not; at least not to begin with. But I’ve never really had a relationship with either a guy or a girl,’ I continued.
‘I didn’t know that, but I suppose I’d have guessed as much,’ he answered.
‘Doesn’t that put you off wanting to see me again?’ I said.
He gave a little laugh.
‘No, not at all, especially if you continue to look as lovely as you do now.’
I felt a flush of contentment as he said those words. At that moment I felt that I would do anything he asked of me. But I struggled to keep my cool.
‘So it would be just like going out with one of your cousins?’ I said.
‘No it had better not be; I once had a fling with one of my cousins and it caused a bit of a family scandal,’ he answered smiling. ‘But I do understand that you are still very young and so I won’t be putting on any pressure for you to sleep with me.’
As he said that he kissed me on the cheek.
‘I’m glad to hear it,’ I replied primly whilst simultaneously picturing what it might be like to sleep with him. ‘In that case I’d be happy to go out with you sometime.’
‘Great,’ he said appearing delighted by the prospect. ‘What are you doing tomorrow?’
‘I’ll be working during the day but I have the evening free.’ I said, feeling a mixture of fear and excitement at the prospect of seeing him again.
By the time his taxi arrived we’d agreed to go for a quiet walk round the horseshoe of the river Severn in Shrewsbury the following evening, followed by a coffee somewhere. It would give us both a chance to talk and get to know one another a little better without being surrounded by our friends. We arranged to meet at the bus station in town rather than have him come to collect me at the house as I didn’t want my aunt to know that I was going out with a guy at this stage.
‘Will you be telling Clare and her sisters that we’re going out together,’ he asked.
‘I’ll have to tell Clare and Jenny, as they’ll be bound to want to know where I’m going tomorrow night, but the others needn’t know for the time being, especially my aunt,’ I answered.
‘If Clare knows then so will Geoff, but I’ll ask him to be discreet,’ he said. ‘Maybe we can all go out together as a foursome sometime later in the week.’
‘Perhaps, but let’s see how we get on together on our own first,’ I said, now feeling a little more in control of myself and the situation.
‘Good night Emily,’ he said making to kiss me.
I was on the point of turning my head slightly so that he would kiss me on my cheek, but then changed my mind and turned my lips to meet his. After all, what was the point of taking the trouble to make my lips look so nice if no-one is allowed to kiss them?
It felt wonderful to be kissing him and for a moment I wanted nothing more than to dissolve into his arms and lips, but then I began to feel a stirring between my legs, and in any event his taxi was waiting.
‘Good night Rob, I’ll see you tomorrow night,’ I said, gently pulling away from his embrace.
‘I’m looking forward to it.’
I waited outside for a few minutes to watch his taxi drive away and gather my own thoughts before quickly returning to clear up the kitchen to dispose of any evidence of his having been there. I had just finished doing so when Aunt Carol arrived home.
‘Hello Emily, where are all the others?’ she asked.
‘They’re all still out; I’ve only just got back myself,’ I said.
‘I hope they didn’t leave you to come home by yourself,’ she sounded a little bit alarmed.
‘No, don’t worry, Clare and Geoff brought me home and dropped me outside the house. She’s gone for a coffee at his place.’
‘Good, I’m relieved to hear it. Have you had a good birthday?’
‘Yes thanks Aunt Carol, I’ve had a great time,’ I answered truthfully. ‘Six of us went on to a pub, but neither Clare nor I, nor the driver, had any alcohol.’
‘I should hope not, you’re only sixteen and Clare’s only seventeen,’ she replied. ‘But I’m pleased that you are now making some more friends of your own age — as long as they all understand your situation.’
‘Yes they all understand my situation,’ I replied, trying work out in my own mind whether I too ‘understood my situation’.
A few minutes later I wished my aunt good night and went up to my room as I wanted some time on my own to reflect. It hadn’t really occurred to me that once I started living and being treated like a girl I would begin to develop the same desires and ambitions as one, particularly with respect to boys. But it was a nice feeling nevertheless.
Just over an hour later Clare knocked quietly on my bedroom door, as I was about to get in to bed.
‘I saw that your light was still on Emmy so I thought that I’d find out what happened after we dropped you off.’
‘What do you mean?’ I asked innocently.
‘Well are you going to see Rob again of course?’ she asked in mock exasperation.
‘Maybe!’ I repeated.
‘What does that mean?’
‘We’re going out for a walk and perhaps a coffee together tomorrow evening, to see how we get on with one another, but nothing heavy,’ I said, rolling my eyes.
‘That’s great news! I bet Geoff a fiver last weekend that Rob would be taking you out by the end of this week.’
I love my youngest cousin but she does have this tendency to want to organise other people’s lives.
(Next time A walk round town.)
With thanks to Angharad for her help in editing.
Chapter 20
An evening walk
‘You should try these, they’re very funny and Georgia’s adventures will give you more of an insight into what it is like to be a teenage girl.’
I’d agreed to try reading Angus, thongs and full-frontal snogging, and soon became hooked and was mid-way through my third title during my break at work on Sunday morning when Jenny and Clare joined me.
‘I hear you had an ‘interesting’ time after we left you last night, Emily.’
‘I can see that I can’t trust my cousin with any secrets,’ I said.
‘Not when it comes to the matter of boyfriends,’ said Clare laughing. ‘I’m going to need Jenny to help me extract every last detail of Friday night from you.’
Inevitably, I was teased a little by Jenny and Clare, regarding Rob’s birthday present to me, but not in a nasty way. They were keen to learn exactly what had happened after Clare and Geoff had dropped us off and where we planned to go later that evening. I tried to change the subject of conversation to other things, but they were doing no more to me than I had previously done to both of them regarding their own boyfriends. So in the end I resigned myself to answering their questions about my planned date.
‘We’re only going out for a walk round town, that’s all.’
‘There are several possible places you could go for a romantic, evening walk by the riverside,’ said Clare, with laboured emphasis on that one word.
I ignored her implication.
‘I was going to leave it up to Rob since he appears to know the town pretty well.’
‘So what are you planning to wear tonight Emily?’ asked Jenny.
‘Nothing too glam, I don’t want him to think that I always dress myself like a Barbie doll,’ I replied.
‘So you won’t be wearing your new Teddy then,’ said Clare.
‘I don’t think so, not on a first date.’
‘That pink halter top looks nice on you with your white jeans, Clare suggested.
‘Alright, but I’d better stick to low heeled shoes since we’ll be walking on grass by the river,’ I added.
‘In that case you have those white open-toed sandals, but make sure you put some varnish on your toe nails.’
‘I last did them a fortnight ago, so I probably should do them again.’
‘We can do each other’s nails after work this afternoon, if you want,’ suggested Clare.
‘Alright but I don’t have any colour which will go with that pink top,’ I replied.
‘I expect I’ve some that will do, and if not I am sure we could borrow some from Anne or Karen as it is for a ‘special occasion,’ said Clare.
‘Remember what I said to you about your makeup. It may be ok for you to dress simply but you’ll still need to make the most of your eyes and your lips if you want to look truly irresistible to him’ said Jenny, laughing.
‘Don’t worry; I put on mascara and lipstick as a matter of course these days, to boost my self-confidence. Also I have to take some trouble with my hair or else it would look awful.’
‘Yes, I think you’re getting to know what’s required, but perhaps a little subtle eye shadow and eye-liner might also be in order if you are going to sweep him off his feet tonight.’
I sighed.
‘Jenny, we’re only going out for a quiet friendly walk in the town, not a torrid love affair.’
‘Well, you never know, great things can sometimes come from quiet friendly beginnings,’ added Clare laughing.
Sometimes attack is the best form of defence, so I turned on her.
‘There speaks the voice of experience, by the way Clare, you never did tell us how you got on at that pop festival,’ I said joining in the fun.
‘Not a lot, unfortunately,’ she replied. ‘With Rob tagging along to play Gooseberry we didn’t have much chance to do anything except listen to the music. That’s why I was quite keen for you to take him off our hands, Emm,’ she replied.
‘Thanks a lot!’ I said in mock anger. ‘So you palmed him off on to me just to give yourself more opportunity with his friend.’
‘Maybe, but I could see that you quite fancied him on that first occasion we all met.’
I blushed, knowing that Clare was right.
‘From the looks of things it seems he feels the same way about you,’ said Jenny smiling.
That evening, Clare and I left the house at the same time so as not to arouse Aunt Carol’s suspicions, although we were going to go our separate ways once we reached Shrewsbury. We’d also agreed to meet up again at ten-thirty at the bus station, which would be just in time to catch the last bus home, although Clare was hoping that Geoff would be able to borrow his father’s car again and so would be able to drive us both home. The main thing was that we should arrive home together. I could see Rob was waiting for me at the bus station as our bus pulled in. He looked nice; casually dressed in jeans and a new t-shirt and I was glad that I had not dressed up as well. I must have seemed nervous though as Clare turned to me.
‘I’ll see you later, Emily; good luck and have a good time.’
‘Thanks.’
‘And don’t worry, you look great,’ she added smiling.
Clare got off first and made her way across the bus station in the direction of the pub where she’d agreed to meet Geoff, waving to Rob as she did so. I followed her off the bus but walked over to where he was waiting, feeling distinctly nervous, wondering if I had done the right thing in coming in the first place, and whether I’d chosen the right clothes to wear.
‘Hi Emily, it nice to see you again,’ he said a little awkwardly.
He bent down and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. I went bright red.
‘Hi Rob, did you get home ok last night?’ I asked, somewhat lamely, for want of anything more interesting to say.
He could hardly answer my question without stating the obvious. So thankfully he ignored it.
‘Shall we walk towards the Welsh Bridge, and then follow the River to Quarry Park?’ he asked.
‘You’re the expert; I’ll leave it for you to decide where we go.’
After walking for a little while Rob and I both began to relax and the ice melted between us. He took my free hand as we walked along, and when we stopped to look at a family of swans and their cygnets on the river, he casually put his arm round my shoulder and so I imperceptibly moved closer to him.
Although I’d been staying just outside of the town for the last month and had worked at a number of different venues, there was still much of Shrewsbury that I’d never seen. For example, I’d not yet made it into Quarry Park which I discovered was full of flower beds, and in fact they were just beginning to prepare for the Shrewsbury Flower Show which was due to begin the following week. We spent nearly an hour there admiring the landscaped sunken garden before we made our way back to the Town Walls and then towards the English Bridge on the eastern side of the old town. We crossed the river briefly there to have a look at the Abbey ruins, before turning back and making a detour to the castle. Finally, we made our way back through the mediaeval streets of the town centre.
During the course of our walk Rob greeted a couple of people he knew and we briefly stopped to talk to one couple in the town. I was introduced as Emily and there was no trace of any awkwardness on his part. I felt a frisson of pleasure to be acknowledged as the girlfriend of someone so good looking. As we walked we chatted about various things: our families, where we’d come from, what we hoped to do in the future. From time to time we stopped to look at buildings or other features, and particularly the black and white buildings in Fish Street. Rob seemed to know a fair amount about architecture and the history of the town. He could date buildings and knew what was original and what had nineteenth century additions or alterations. I learned a lot just by being in his company.
It felt somehow right to be spending time with Rob, but it was also clear to us both that our friendship couldn’t last. He was studying at the University of East Anglia which, as far as I knew was hundreds of miles away, on the other side of England. He would be returning there in mid-September and he was already planning to spend his next year’s summer vacation working overseas. Goodness only knows what I would be doing this time next year, or even what gender I would be, for that matter. But in some respects the temporary nature of our friendship made the situation simpler, we both knew where we stood and could enjoy one another’s company for a few weeks without raising any long term expectations
‘So what are your plans for the autumn, Emily?’ he asked me at last.
‘If everything works out ok I want to leave school and study at home for my ‘A’ levels. I also hope to work part-time for my mother.’
‘Don’t you like school?’
‘I enjoy learning about new things, just as I’ve enjoyed learning about Shrewsbury from you tonight. But I didn’t have any friends at home, and I would now be so depressed if I had to go back to being Chris.
‘Will you ever go back to being Chris again?’ he asked.
Now that was a good question, one that I’d been asking myself all week, ever since my conversation with my mother. Yet for some inexplicable reason I now knew the answer. I looked directly into his eyes.
‘No. As far as I’m concerned Chris is finished and I don’t even want to go back to Eastbourne if I can avoid it. There’s nothing for me there. I’m just waiting for my mother to return so that I can start to make Emily a more permanent feature of my life.’
‘What does that mean exactly?’ he asked.
I turned away and looked at the floor.
‘I want to start taking female hormones, and, when I’m old enough, have an operation-to become a real woman.’
I had at last said what had been in my mind for the last two weeks or so.
‘Wow, that sounds quite far-reaching; are you sure?’
‘Yes. I am certain, and become more so with every hour that passes,’ I said quietly.
‘Well good luck to you, if that is what you really want,’ said Rob.
I was in something of a state of shock; after all, I had just spelled out something to this lad, whom I hardly knew, that I had not previously admitted to myself before that point, let alone to my family. We both became quite thoughtful and neither of us said anything for some time, until we reached a café that was open.
‘I’ve been trying to buy you a cappuccino ever since Birmingham New Street Station,’ he said laughing.
‘Alright then,’ I replied.
After a few minutes of talking about nothing in particular, I returned to the subject we’d been discussing before.
‘Rob, for some reason I’ve admitted some things to you this evening which I’ve not yet said to my family. Please don’t say anything about my plans to Geoff until I’ve had a chance to explain the situation to Clare and her family.’
He smiled and took my hand across the coffee table.
‘That’s ok Emily, I promise to be discreet.’
‘Thank you,’ I said, leaving my hand where it was.
I was pleased that Clare had persuaded me to redo my nails before I came out.
We met up with Clare and Geoff, at the time planned, and we agreed to go out as a foursome to see Slumdog Millionaire the following Friday evening, which was the first occasion we all had time off together. Clare suggested that we should also invite Jenny and her boyfriend along as none of us would be working on that evening. This idea suited me as I liked to go out as part of a group and both their boyfriends already knew about my situation and appeared to accept me as Emily without too much awkwardness. The two lads also raised no objection to them joining us, so a text message was duly dispatched. Half an hour later Jenny confirmed that they would be joining us.
As expected, Geoff gave us a lift to Clare’s house, but pulled up just short of the drive, into the unlit lay-by next to the bus stop, where the car could not be seen from the house. Clare and Geoff proceeded to indulge in a passionate embrace in the front seats, ignoring our presence in the seats behind them. Rob smiled, looked a little embarrassed, but put his arm around me. I snuggled up against his body, slipped my hand into his shirt and began to stroke the hair on his chest. For a moment I was sorry that I’d chosen to wear jeans rather than a skirt, as I felt his hand caress my thigh. But perhaps it was just as well; the late night bus suddenly drew up next to the car and its lights illuminated the interior. A couple of Clare’s neighbours alighted. The four of us sat up and straightened our dishevelled clothes. We had no choice but to leave as Aunt Carol would have heard the last bus pull up outside her house and expected us to be on it.
‘Good night Rob,’ I said leaning over to kiss him on the cheek, before I got out, ‘I’ll see you on Friday night.’
Clare and I waved goodbye to the guys and then went in to the house. After a brief chat to Aunt Carol, who was watching television, we both took a mug of coffee up to Clare’s room, to have a chat and compare notes about our evenings.
‘So how did it go Emm?’ she asked as soon as we got to her bedroom.
‘OK, I suppose,’ I replied, trying to sound nonchalant.
‘Come on, you can do better than that.’
‘Well he’s good fun to be with, but I have to remember that he’ll only be around for about three or four weeks.’
‘An awful lot can happen in about three or four weeks.’
’You’re right there,’’ I thought to myself remembering just what had happened to my life in the last three or four weeks.
‘It’ll be nice to have someone to go out with for the rest of the summer, particularly as you and Jenny have boyfriends, as long as things don’t get too serious.
‘Yes it does make a difference to have someone special, but Geoff will be returning to his Uni as well mid-way through September, and so life will become pretty bleak again come the Autumn. That’s why I’m hoping that your Mum will move here and then you can remain as Emily and we can continue to be good friends.
‘I would love that to happen,’ I replied.
Before I went to bed that night, I conducted an Internet search about the physiological and psychological effects of taking female hormones, then downloaded and printed off several pages of information. I read them through and put them in my handbag intending to look at them again later. It was clear that if I was going to do so, it would be better for me to start as quickly as possible before my body began to change much more, and I grew to look and sound more like a man. I really enjoyed looking the way I did and the prospect that it would soon change was distasteful. But how would I go about obtaining hormones for myself? The decision to take them would inevitably be a watershed in my life — a point of no return - but I was now quite clear that it was the right thing for me to do. It was just a question of how I would go about explaining that to my mother, aunt and cousins.
(Next time An internet search and a family discussion help me see the way forward.)
With thanks to Angharad for her help in editing.
Chapter 21
My future
I had a second look at the Internet pages that I’d printed out during my break at work on Monday and decided that I needed to conduct further investigations to try and find some means of obtaining the relevant hormones. I’d had hardly had any need to visit our GP practice in Eastbourne during the last few years, and the only other person I knew who had any contact with the medical professions was Karen. I doubted whether she would have any experience in this field, but she was always friendly and understanding of my situation and so it might be worth asking her opinion on the subject. In fact, before I had a chance to discuss the subject with her, events happened which caused her to raise the subject with me.
When we got home from work on Tuesday evening, Clare and I discovered that Karen and Jim had some news for the family. He had been appointed to be a radiographer at the Princess Royal Hospital in Telford, about fifteen miles away from Shrewsbury. Karen had in turn requested a transfer to the same hospital, which had been granted. Telford was far enough to make daily commuting a pain, particularly as they both worked shifts. The town was a bit of a dump compared to Shrewsbury but, on the other hand, it would be relatively easy for them to find themselves an affordable flat together. They had therefore decided to take the plunge and announce their engagement.
‘Congratulations, so when is the big day?’ asked Clare excitedly giving her sister a hug.
‘Oh it will be at least a year away, maybe even two,’ Karen replied.
‘Will Anne and I get to be your bridesmaids?’
‘I should think so, and maybe Emily too, if she has got herself some real boobs by then,’ she said laughing.
Clare stifled a smirk, and then looked away pretending she hadn’t heard the comment. I went bright red and looked with some alarm across towards Aunt Carol, but fortunately she was in the middle of talking to Jim and neither of them had heard the remark. Karen noticed my embarrassment, looked a little shamefaced and mouthed an apology.
Later that night she came to see me in my bedroom as I was about to get in to bed.
‘I’m sorry Emm, I’d no right to tease you in the way that I did earlier; what you choose to do with your body is your own business. I’d no right to pass comment,’ she said.
‘I don’t think any harm was done; at least your mother didn’t hear,’ I replied. ‘But how did you know I was even thinking about it. I’ve never even discussed the possibility of taking hormones with you or your sisters.’
‘Clare noticed you that you were reading some materials on the subject from the web yesterday, and asked my advice, on how we could best help you.
‘I suppose you’ve all been laughing about me.’
‘No, that’s not true! We all love you very much, Clare especially. If you’ve decided that you wish to live as Emily permanently, that is fine. We’ve just been trying to help you come to terms with your transgenderism, and move forward in whatever way best suits you.’
‘Do you also know about Rob?’
She nodded.
‘Anne and I do, but nobody will say anything to Mum. As far as we’re concerned, if you’ve found someone who accepts you as Emily, that’s great as well, as long as nobody gets hurt.’
In many ways I was relieved that she knew my secrets. I suppose my three cousins were bound to compare notes with one another.
‘So you think that I’m transgendered rather than gay?’
She sighed
‘Emily, look at yourself in the mirror,’ she said with a note of gentle sarcasm. ‘Consider how lovely you look these days and how gracefully you move. Compare how comfortable in your own body you now seem, with the shy and awkward young man who arrived here. I could never think of you as gay man. To me you are a beautiful heterosexual young woman, who has a few medical issues that will need to be corrected in due course.’
I looked away from the mirror down towards the floor. She was right, and there was no point in trying to hide it. I looked like a woman, felt like one and, above all, now wanted to become one in every way I possibly could.
‘I suspected that you were transgendered the first time you came home and showed off your ‘girly’ nail extensions to me,’ continued Karen. ‘I was pretty sure when you let me stick those silicone breast forms on you and we were all absolutely certain after you came and stole the show at Anne’s birthday dinner. But ‘transgendered’ is only a label. It is up to you to decide who or what you are and what you want to do with your life.’
‘I suppose it must be pretty obvious to everyone?’
‘Even Mum now realises that you are happier living as Emily. I know she has had several long telephone conversations with your mum and Gran, and she is doing her best to come to terms with having a niece staying with her.’
‘It sounds as if I have become the family ’problem’’, I said ruefully.
‘Far from it, you’ve been an easy guest and we’ve all been glad to have you stay. You help out with the housework and are fun to have around. Apart from losing your suitcase on the way here, you’ve been no trouble to anyone.’
‘So what do you think I should do now, Karen?’
She sat down on my bed, took my hand and looked me in the eye.
‘The first thing is to make your own mind up whether you wish to spend the remainder of your life as a male or a female. There are some people who are content to exist somewhere in between the two, but I suspect you’re not one of them.’
I shrugged my shoulders.
‘I just feel so much happier as Emily, it seems to go to the heart of my being and I don’t see that ever changing.’
‘Are you sure?’ she asked, again looking directly into my eyes.
‘Absolutely sure, I want to be a woman,’ I answered, returning her gaze.
I felt a wave of relief as I said that to Karen.
‘In that case you should stop pretending to everyone that Emily is here only for a few weeks or just so that you can earn some money. You have just admitted to me that you want to live as Emily full-time; it is now up to you to spell it out to other people — your mum, my mum, my sisters, your employer.’
‘But you just said that they already suspect as much,’ I said.
‘They do, but that is not the same as hearing it from your lips. Tell them how you feel; get them all on your side, and then we can begin to do something about it.’
‘So you think they will understand?’
‘Our mothers grew up in the eighties. They’re bound to have come across transgendered people before. They may not completely understand but I'm sure they will be accepting of your feelings. Even Gran was not unsympathetic.
‘Just now you said that “we can begin to do something about it”, what did you mean?’ I asked.
‘There is a psychotherapist at the hospital that has experience of people with gender identity problems. If you get a letter of authority from your mother I’ll arrange for her to talk to you. She may then refer you to a gender identity clinic in London, and they would be able to prescribe female hormones. In the meanwhile, she may prescribe some testosterone blockers to delay the onset of your male puberty. However you must realise that once you start on hormone therapy it’ll be difficult, perhaps impossible, for you to turn back.’
‘I know Karen, I've been reading all about the subject, but I’d like to do so anyway.’
Once again she looked closely into my eyes. I did my best to show that I was quite certain on this matter.
‘Good!’ she said. ‘In that case you need to talk to your Mum and get that letter. I’ll make the necessary enquiries at work.’
‘Alright, but I’d rather you didn’t say anything to anyone in the family until I’ve had a chance to talk to my Mum.’
‘Don’t leave it too long.’
‘I’ll try and talk to her tomorrow.’
She smiled and looked at me.
‘Maybe you will be able to wear a low-cut bridesmaid’s dress at my wedding, after all’ she said smiling.
‘Thanks, I’d like that too.’
Before I went to bed I sent a text message to Mum, asking her to phone me before I left for work at 10.30 the next day, as there was something important that I needed to discuss.
Mum rang me on my mobile at 9.30 am the next morning and I took the call in my bedroom as I didn’t wish to be overheard by the others.
‘What did you want to discuss with me Emily?’ she asked.
‘You remember that as we parted you said to me that in the longer term I’d have to decide about what I wished to do with my life.’
‘Yes.’
‘I’ve been thinking about what you said ever since. Mum, I don’t ever want to go back to being Chris. I want to remain as Emily for ever and live my life as a girl, and then a woman. I want to start taking oestrogen right away, and then, when I'm 18 have an operation.
‘Emily, do you understand the implications of what you are saying, of what would happen to you and your body if you took oestrogen?’
‘Yes I've been reading all about it. It is exactly what I want.’
Our telephone conversation must have cost Mum a fortune as it was nearly an hour of probing on her part and her seeking re-assurance that I knew what I was doing before she eventually agreed to write the letter that I would need to show to a therapist to begin my transition. She only agreed to do so because I told her that if I left things for too long puberty would begin to alter my body and make the process more difficult and in any event it would be some time after I saw the doctor before I actually started taking the hormones. I promised to email to her several web pages so that she too could read up on the subject.
‘If I agree to write the letter you ask, there’s something I want you to do for me in return, Emily.’
‘What’s that Mum?’
‘I’m not happy with the idea of your giving up school and studying at home, although I accept that you were unhappy as things stood and I don’t think there would be any point in me trying to force you to go back there against your will. I've spoken to your Aunt and she has offered to let you continue living with her and your cousins until I’ve had a chance to sell our house in Eastbourne and arrange to move to Shropshire. She suggested that you could join the sixth form in Clare’s school, but I wonder whether a further education college might be better for you. I’ve looked up the web site for Shrewsbury College; they have nearly a hundred courses for 14-19 year old school leavers, both academic subjects to enable you to go on to university but also vocational studies.’
‘You mean for me to start a course as Emily?’
‘Yes; I suppose I do. You would have to notify the college authorities of your true situation, but if you are undergoing therapy I believe they will be sympathetic. At least they claim to be committed to equality and diversity. Their web page specifically states that it would not be acceptable for students or staff to discriminate against others on the basis of sexual orientation or transgender.’
‘Isn’t it now too late to apply for this year?’ I asked.
‘No, I've been in touch with them and they would be willing to accept applications from school leavers once you know your GCSE results.’
The idea of my becoming a student and mixing with others my own age, rather than staying home and studying on my own had its attractions. I was now fairly confident that I would be able to pass successfully as a girl, particularly if I was also undergoing hormone therapy at the same time.
‘So how would you feel about staying where you are for a few more weeks until I find somewhere for us to live?’
‘I would love to Mum.’
‘In that case I’d like you to have a look at their prospectus, and let me know what you think, but you will not have much time to make your mind up,’ she replied.
I didn’t say anything about my plans or Mum’s suggestion to Clare and her sisters but during the afternoon Jenny and I happened to be working together and so I asked he what she knew about ‘Shrewsbury College,’
‘As far as I know it has a good reputation, in fact I've been thinking about leaving the sixth form and starting a BTEC National Diploma in Fashion there instead. I think that might be more useful to me in the future,’ she said.
‘I can see that a course like that would suit you, but are there any other courses that might suit someone like me?’ I asked.
‘Does that mean that you are planning to stay in Shrewsbury and go to college?’
‘Possibly, but it rather depends on my ‘O’ level results and upon finding a course that would suit me and also be acceptable to my mother,’
‘Well there are courses in Hairdressing and Beauty Therapies, or more academic courses in computing and I.T., or law. You could even do a diploma in travel and tourism. I hope you do find something, it would be great to have a friend studying at the college’
Hairdressing and Beauty Therapies, was tempting, but I didn't think Mum would be too impressed. However, travel and tourism also sounded interesting, I had visions of myself as a travel rep or an air stewardess or perhaps I could even begin a career in the hospitality industries. My experience working as a waitress had shown me that there were plenty of opportunities in this field.
‘Jenny I would rather you didn’t say anything for the time being, at least until I get my ‘O’ level examination results in about ten days-time.’
That evening I looked up the College’s online prospectus, and read their published equality and diversity policy. Mum was right, if I were undergoing therapy then they would be bound to allow me to attend college as Emily. It would be really great to start my education afresh, but this time as a girl, and then I could either help Mum or work for Joyce in my spare time. I also spoke briefly to Karen in her room and told her about my conversation with Mum.
‘Good! I have had an informal conversation with a therapist at work and she will arrange to see you as soon as you have the letter from your mother. In the meanwhile, you may begin to take one of these testosterone blockers a day, she said handing me a strip of seven tablets.
‘What are they?’
‘They’re not female hormones and won’t start turning you into a woman or cause any permanent changes to your body. But they will prevent your natural testosterone from turning you into a man, at least whilst you continue to take them. In effect, they will delay your puberty until you are prescribed some oestrogen.’
‘Thanks,’ I said swallowing the first tablet. Will I be able to get some more.’
‘Your therapist will prescribe them for you once you start to see her. Don’t expect to feel any changes.’
‘No but it will be good to know that my voice won’t suddenly break or I start to grow hair on my chin,’ I replied.
‘Once you get your letter from your mother, I suggest you should arrange to speak to my sisters and mother and also perhaps your friend Jenny. See them all together and tell them exactly what the situation is, and answer any questions they may have.’
(Next time I organise a family conference.)
With thanks to Angharad for her help in editing (and also for drumming up some comments last week). Thanks also to those who have commented in the past. I always take note of them.
Louise
Chapter 22
A family conference
‘Alright I’ll try and get you an appointment at her clinic next week, but when will you tell the others what you are doing?’ she asked.
‘As soon as I can get everybody together in one place.’
‘What about tonight, before we all go out?’
‘Clare and I will be going to see a film and have to leave at six thirty.’
‘Check with Anne, but I think everyone should be at home around five thirty you will only need an hour,’ she said.
‘Alright but I'll have to get myself ready early.’
She chuckled.
‘After all you want to look your best for that boyfriend of yours.’
I did some ringing round and discovered that, unusually, everyone in the house was expected to be home by five thirty that evening. This would give me enough time to make my announcement and answer any questions before Clare and I were due to leave for the cinema.
I therefore spoke to Clare and Jenny together.
‘There’s something important that I want to tell everyone this afternoon and so I would like to organise a chat with everybody, including you Jenny. Can I see you both at five-thirty this afternoon?’ I asked. ‘
‘I suppose so but what’s it all about?’ asked Clare.
‘I’d prefer to tell everyone together, if that’s ok’ I replied.
‘My Mum’s going out to a job at about four-thirty, but I suppose I could ask her to give me a lift over and then get changed and put on my makeup at your place,’ she said.
‘You can do it in my room, and we’ll leave Emily to prepare for this mysterious meeting on her own,’ suggested Clare
‘I’ll ring Aunt Carol to tell her that you’re coming as well; I’m sure she won’t mind,’ I said.
Aunt Carol was also intrigued as to the purpose of the conference, when I told her, but she too agreed to wait until the afternoon to find out.
On that day we had finished work and cleared away by three o’clock and so we had a little spare time to ourselves before we needed to get ready. Aunt Carol was out somewhere and Clare took the opportunity to phone a school friend she hadn’t seen for some time and tell her about Geoff. I looked in my wardrobe wondering what to wear, and noticed the plastic bag containing the few clothes that Chris had been wearing when he arrived early in July. They seemed out of place and a reminder of my forme life. A hundred yards or so from my Aunt’s house there was a pub which had a number of recycling containers in its car park, including one for clothes and textiles. I picked up the carrier bag and slipped out of the house and a few minutes later placed it in the container. That was the end of Chris, at least so far as my life in Shrewsbury was concerned, and I was quite determined that my future would be there. It was just a pair of jeans, a cotton-shirt, trainers and some underclothes, some of which Emily might possibly have worn, but I wanted to be rid of them. My action symbolised that there was no going back for me now, whatever anyone might say tonight. I returned to the house and was pleased that nobody had noticed my absence.
Jenny arrived at 4.30, as promised, and was invited into Clare’s room to get herself ready. This also suited me, I preferred to be alone with my thoughts on this occasion. I quickly showered and washed my hair, checking that the extensions were still firmly attached. I also carefully examined my breast forms. They were ok, for the time being at least, but I felt a bit of a fraud. I really wanted my own breasts and wondered how long it would be before the hormones had their desired effect after they had been prescribed. It was going to be a year at least before I could even think about ditching the breast forms.
Once I was dry I ensured that my penis and testicles were tucked away safely, and then put on the new peach coloured teddy that Rob had given to me for my birthday, and a new pair of tights. The American girl had left a dark red rah-rah skirt and matching sleeveless crop top, both of which had come back into fashion recently. I had not really had any chance to wear them before but it was a hot day, and, what the hell, I was a sixteen-year —old experimenting with my look. I tried them on but didn't really have the hips for the skirt to look its best. I therefore undressed and taped on the strips of padding that Jenny had provided for me when I went to Anne’s birthday meal. I was just fixing my makeup when Karen arrived home at five fifteen and called in to see me.
‘Wow, you look sexy tonight where are you planning to go.’
‘Six of us are going to see Slumdog Millionaire, at Cineworld.’
‘Well take care with that new boyfriend, you look quite ‘hot’ in that outfit.’
‘I chose it because the weather was so hot today, but don’t worry Rob has promised to be a perfect gentleman.’
‘That’s what they all say. Does he know about Chris?’
‘Yes he does and it doesn’t seem to worry him, but it’s nothing serious, just a summer friendship.’
‘Alright, but be careful young lady.’
I coloured, knowing that although I was not yet prepared to have sex with a guy I would be quite disappointed if we didn't at least indulge in some petting during the course of the evening.
‘I will.’
Karen proceeded to raise the main subject on her mind.
‘I’ve made an appointment for you to see Dr Jane Morrison at her clinic on Tuesday at 4.10 pm, so make sure that you can have the time off work. She has some experience in treating young transgenders, like yourself. Even in a sleepy town like Shrewsbury there are two or three others currently undergoing transition and quite a number of people happily living in their new genders. I think you’ll find her to be understanding. The main thing is to be honest with her about how you feel, to listen to what she has to say and not to be in too much of a hurry. I’ve spoken to her about you and she’s quite happy for you to continue taking the testosterone blockers, so here’s another week’s supply. She’ll probably give you a prescription when you see her.’
‘Thanks for everything, Karen.’
‘I understand we’re all meeting shortly.’
‘Yes; as just soon as Anne gets back from work.’
‘Good, be open, honest, but above all, be decisive. It’s your life, your body, and your decision. I believe everyone will respect that.’
At five thirty I entered the lounge where my three cousins, aunt and friend were all sitting waiting for me. I was feeling more than a little nervous, but nevertheless quite sure about what I wanted to say.
‘Thanks everyone for giving me your time. I’ve asked you here as there’s something I need to say and I felt it might be better if I said it to you all together rather than individually. As I’ve said to some of you before, these last five weeks living as Emily have been the happiest weeks of my life, and I’d like to thank everyone here for making that possible. My mind has been in turmoil, mainly because I’ve been enjoying myself so much. Living and working as a girl has felt so right for me; for the first time in my life I‘ve felt really good about myself. I’ve spoken to you all individually at different times about how I feel, and I’ve also spoken to my Mum and our Gran recently; these conversations have helped me to come to a decision about my future. I can see clearly now that this is how I want to spend the rest of my life. I’ve told Mum that I never want to go back to living as Chris. As soon as possible I want to start taking the female hormones that’ll gradually provide me with a woman’s body. I also intend to change my name in due course and by the time I’m eighteen I shall seek legal recognition as a woman and get a passport and driving licence as Emily. I can’t say whether I shall one day seek surgery; I suspect I may do so, but if I do it won’t be until after I am eighteen. In the meanwhile I am absolutely certain that this is the right course for me.’
Nobody said a word in response. Perhaps they were stunned by the last admission. I therefore continued with my announcement.
‘Mum has agreed for us to move to Shrewsbury during the autumn, and she wants me to start a course at Shrewsbury College. I believe that I’ll obtain the necessary GCSE grades and will know for certain in just over a week. I also understand that Aunt Carol is prepared to let me remain staying here until Mum has found somewhere for the two of us to live. Over the next few weeks I shall be doing everything I can to try and forget that there was ever a person called Christopher Nicholson and shall seek to build a new life for Emily. I’m truly grateful for all the support, love and friendship I’ve received from you, and I hope that I may continue to do so. That’s all I have to say.
I looked around, and then demurely sat down, waiting for the response. Aunt Carol was the first to speak.
‘I think we all accepted your wish to remain living as Emily for a few more weeks and I am sure we will all support you in whatever you decide, but what you are proposing would be irrevocable. Sixteen years old is very young to be making such a life changing decision, and five weeks experience living as a girl is a very short time to be making up your mind.’
‘I know, but I’ve known for years that something wasn’t right with my life. The last five weeks have shown me exactly what was wrong. The longer I leave it the more difficult it will be for me to make the physical transition. That’s why I’ve asked Karen to organise an appointment for me next week.’
Aunt Carol looked sharply at her elder daughter, who intervened on my behalf.
‘Mum, I think Em is just saying that she has decided to embark upon a journey of discovery. It will be several weeks, perhaps months, before she does anything that is irrevocable. That will only happen if an experienced therapist is convinced that she knows what she is doing. She will also have her mother to advise her.’
‘So you think it is a good idea?’ said Aunt Carol to Karen.
‘I think it is a good idea for her to undergo therapy as quickly as possible. I suspect the outcome may be that she does ultimately decide to live as a woman full-time, but that will be up to her, her therapist, and her mother if she is still under 18.’
‘But in the end it’s my decision,’ I added.
‘What do the others think?’ asked Carol.
‘I have never thought of Emily as anything but a girl ever since we began to work together,’ said Clare. ‘I simply cannot now picture her as a boy.’
‘I agree,’ added Jenny. ‘I’ve never see Chris, and it now would seem very strange to me if I did so. I regard Emily as a girl friend and colleague.’
‘I think when we had my birthday meal it was clear to everyone that Emily was more comfortable living in the female gender, and everything that’s happened since then has reinforced that opinion,’ said Anne.
‘Aunt Carol, my mind is made up, and I have Mum’s permission to begin the process. I hope you can accept that, and I hope you’ll let me continue to stay for a while,’ I said.
‘I’m hardly going to turn out my own niece into the street. If you are quite certain, then so be it. Good luck to you.’
‘Thanks Aunt Carol.’
‘However, whilst your mother’s away, I’m responsible for your welfare, and I don’t want you going out in that short skirt tonight. I feel you should put on something a little more modest.’
‘Mum, rah-rah skirts are in fashion again this year,’ protested Clare.
‘It might be ok if you were all going out cheerleading to a football game, but not if you’re going to the cinema, and particularly if there will be young men present.’
I blushed, but I suppose Aunt Carol had a point. She’d just given way on one difficult decision, I’m sure that I could accept her verdict on this point. I left the room to go and change into a longer skirt, knowing that it would also provide them with a good opportunity to discuss what I’d just said among themselves.
I returned after ten minutes having changed into a skirt that came just above my knees. The family discussion was just breaking up and Karen and Anne was just leaving the room.
‘Well done Em, I think you handled that pretty well,’ said Karen.
‘Thank you both for speaking up for me,’ I replied.
‘No problem,’ said Anne. ‘Now I think it might be time to go and tell Gran about your decision. Are you free on Sunday?’
‘I’ll ask Joyce if I can have the day off,’ I said.
Aunt Carol, Clare and Jenny were still in the front room. I presented myself in my new outfit for inspection by Aunt Carol and received her approval and gave a little curtsey.
‘You look very pretty, as usual, Emily, but one of the things about being a young woman is in knowing what’s appropriate in terms of dress. You’re too young to be trying to drive the boys wild.’
‘What made you think we were planning to go out with lads tonight?’
‘Because I’m not stupid, and have already brought up three daughters, so just watch your step miss.’
Since there was no point in keeping up the pretence any longer, Clare arranged for Geoff and Rob to collect us at the house. Ken worked in the town centre and had arranged to meet us at the cinema. We therefore had fifteen minutes to spare and so the three of us went up to Clare’s bedroom for a talk.
‘That is really good news Emily, now I’ll have a friend to go to college with next year,’ said Jenny.
‘Thanks to both of you for standing up for me earlier,’ I said.
‘You are most welcome, but I think you should have held out for the rah-rah skirt,’ said Clare.
‘Perhaps, but there is only so much that your mother can accept at one sitting.’
‘Are you going to tell the guys tonight?’ asked Jenny.
‘I don’t intend to make an issue out of it and I wouldn’t want you to do so, but if it should come up in conversation, I am now officially a pre-operative transsexual in the course of my transition.’
Inevitably I had to answer a series of further questions from my friends about my plans and the reaction of my mother, but they were both entirely supportive of my decision and professed themselves to be looking forward to the continuation of our friendship.
When the car did pull up Aunt Carol made a point of coming out to meet Rob for the first time. I was a little anxious that she might say something to embarrass me, but she was ok, with just the parting reminder to him of ‘look after my niece, she is only just sixteen.’
I don’t need to go into a lot of detail about what happened during the course of Friday evening (or indeed on the seven or eight other occasions that Rob and I went out together over the next three and a half weeks). It is enough to say that I was sixteen and Rob was nineteen and to some extent we were both learning how to be intimate with one another without going too far. In the event, the cinema was quite full and it turned out to be an interesting film so we just held hands during the show. I was a little wary of showing too much passion in front of the others. Rob didn’t seem to worry too much, and Jenny and Clare always treated me as they did one another, but I was self-conscious in front of Geoff and Ken. It was not that they disrespected me — if anything they seemed a little bit in awe of me — but I was still not entirely at ease in their presence. However although nothing much happened in the cinema, I suppose we reached number 6 on Georgia Nicolson’s ‘Snogging Scale’* in the backseat of Geoff’s father’s car before going in that night, Clare and Geoff were otherwise engaged in the front seats. This was not bad going given that Chris had never even made it as far as number 1 on the scale. (Clare reached 7, but then she was older and a lot more experienced than I was.)
*See http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Snogging%20Scale
(Next time I have my first appointment with the therapist.)
With thanks to Angharad for her help in editing.
Please note I shall be overseas from tomorrow until 18th June, moving from place to place. I hope to continue my weekly posting during this period but they may become a little erratic, and responses to any PMs may take a little longer. Louise
Chapter 23
My first appointment with a therapist
I also explained to Joyce my intentions to remain in Shrewsbury and undergo formal transition to become a woman. She didn't seem at all surprised or fazed by the news and so no doubt she had already discussed my situation with her daughter. Nevertheless she did take twenty minutes to have a chat with me, asking if it was what I really wanted to do, and was not just a phase that I might grow out of. She meant well, but I was a little put out that she could think that I would make such a momentous decision on the basis of a whim. I did my best to explain to her my resolution and seriousness of mind without losing my cool. Having things out in the open did at least enable me to raise the issue of possible evening and weekend work beyond the end of August with her and also to ask to rearrange my working hours on Tuesday afternoon, when I was due to have my first appointment at the Hospital. She promised to consider me, but thought it best to wait and see exactly what I was going to be doing after the summer, before committing herself.
I was feeling increasingly nervous about the prospect of my first appointment as the weekend went on. Would the therapist take me seriously? Would she insist on my waiting until I was eighteen? However, I was now quite determined about the outcome. I would try and go through the formal channels and co-operate with their requirements as much as possible, but there was no way that I would ever now revert to living as Chris. If necessary I would have to seek medication on the internet.
On Monday evening Rob and Geoff had got themselves involved in playing some mindless games involving bats, balls and a net. Clare went along to watch them, no doubt excited by the prospect of watching perspiring guys in shorts, but that did nothing for me. I would rather sit at home and watch my nail varnish dry. In any event I was far too wound up by the prospects for the following day to think about other things. I think my elder cousins noticed as before going out themselves they came to my room for an hour to help me choose what I should wear for the occasion, as a way of taking my mind off other matters.
‘Look for something fairly smart, but not too girly,’ said Karen. Remember that you want to impress her with what a sensible, level headed, and above all convincing, young woman you are, but also bear in mind, that she may want to examine you or request some fluid samples for testing.’
‘I don’t exactly feel particularly level-headed or sensible at present,’ I replied. ‘More like a silly little schoolgirl.’
‘Don’t worry we all had to go through the silly schoolgirl stage before we became the mature women that we now are,’ commented Anne ruefully.
‘It is not too late to change your mind if you are having second thoughts, Emily’ said Karen.
‘Oh no! Don’t get me wrong. I’m not having second thoughts about my transition. I know this is what I have to do if I am going to be happy in my future life. I just wish the process of getting there could be easier.’
‘In that case you don’t need to worry; you’ll be fine, just remember everything that we have told you.’
Clare, Jenny and I were due to serve a buffet at an outdoor reception over Tuesday lunchtime, but there would be time afterwards for me to go back to the office, get changed and make myself presentable for my appointment. As I opened my locker at work I noticed there was a small card inside. It was just a cheap greetings card with a simple ‘Good luck’ message inside but it had been signed by my three cousins, my Aunt, by Jenny and her mother. Fortunately, I was alone when I discovered it and so nobody saw me wipe the tears from my eye and blow my nose. Nobody could ask for kinder and more supportive friends and relations.
I went along to Dr Morrison’s clinic the following afternoon, clutching an appointment card and my mother’s letter. I was still feeling very nervous, suspecting that everyone in the hospital must know all about me. I never felt this way these days when I was at work or out in the street. I handed the card to a middle-aged nurse on duty. She ticked my name off a list and asked me to wait. I had another look at my ‘Good luck card’ but put it away unless it made me emotional again and I spoiled my makeup. Instead I picked up an old copy of a woman’s fashion magazine from a pile and pretended to read, so I would not need to make eye-contact with anyone else in the waiting room. The minutes ticked past, and various names called. I began to wish that I had gone to the loo, although I realised that this was a nervous reaction rather than a physical need. Eventually there was a call for ‘Miss Nicholson’. For half a second I was taken by surprise — nobody had ever called me that before - but then I realised it was me and gathered up my handbag and went into the consulting room.
Dr Morrison was a motherly looking woman in her early fifties. She smiled as I entered the room and invited me to take a seat. I sat down carefully, smoothing my skirt as I did so, and ensuring that I kept my knees together.
‘So what can I do for you young lady?’ she asked.
I had rehearsed my opening line.
‘I was born a boy, but cannot bear to live as one any longer. I hope that you will help me to become a girl.’
She did not bat an eyelid. It was as if I had just made the most natural request in the world.
‘In that case you had better tell me a little bit about your background and how long you have been living as a girl,’ she replied in a kindly voice.
I told her my story about losing my suitcase, and working as a waitress, and how for the first time in my life I’d felt really happy, and that after discussion with my relatives had decided that I wished to begin transition to be able to live as a girl full-time. I also told her about how unhappy I was at school, my insecurity and my lack of friends, compared with my new social circle. I embroidered my account a little bit by saying that I had felt for some time that I should have been a girl. I also told her that I had wanted to leave school but my mother was anxious for me to continue with my education, and so we had considered the option of my taking a college course as a girl. I then handed over my mother’s letter, which was supportive of my wish to begin therapy although expressing some concerns about my future.
At various points in my account she interrupted with questions or requests for clarification.
‘Exactly how long have you known that you wanted to be a girl?’ she asked at one point.
‘I suppose I was about eleven when I first realised, although I have always known that something was not quite right with my life,’ I replied.
The first part of that was embroidery, but I believe the second part was true. I chose eleven as I had read one account that this was the age that many children discover their yearning to change gender, although in other cases it might be as young as three or four.
‘In what way do you feel different when you are dressed as Emily?’ she asked.
This was a difficult one; I shrugged my shoulders, brushed some stray hairs away from my face, and then looked down and examined my manicured nails. (I’d deliberately chosen a fairly subdued colour of nail varnish.) She waited patiently for me to answer, which took some time to put into words.
‘I just feel more like me. I somehow feel more comfortable and more confident living and working as a girl than ever I did as a boy. It’s as if I was always meant to be this way,’ I said.
My answer must have sounded a little lame, or at least it did so to me, but she smiled and nodded and continued taking notes.
Next she wanted to know where I was living. Where were my parents? What were their feelings about my transition? Did I have any siblings? She spent some time asking about my relations (or lack of them) with my father, but I told her that I had not seen him since I was three years old, that he now lived in Australia with a new family and that I’d had no contact with him. She then probed my relationship with my mother; how did I feel about her going abroad for the summer? Did I feel abandoned by her? I carefully explained that it was in connection with my mother’s business and that I entirely understood why she needed to be away.
Dr Morrison asked me about my summer job, my friends and the College course that I wanted to take. Regarding the latter, I was glad that I’d spent some time looking it up on the website the previous weekend as I could speak with some knowledge and enthusiasm. I told her that I had ambitions of one day becoming a hotel manageress; the idea of being an air stewardess sounded a little too girly, and I wanted to come over as being a ’serious minded young woman’.
Finally, she questioned me about what I knew about transgenderism and the process of transition, and was clearly impressed that I had done some background work. I did not say too much about taking hormones as I did not want to appear too eager. I did however make it clear that my long-term goal would be full and permanent transition with eventual surgical intervention when I was eighteen. Eventually after about forty minutes she finished taking notes and put her pen down. She must have filled two sides of A4 paper with her closely written notes.
‘Well Emily, I must say that you come over as a thoughtful and convincing young woman. I would be willing to take you on as my patient, but I should warn you that it will be some weeks and several appointments between ourselves and later with your mother before we begin to consider hormone therapy. It is only when I am sure that you are mature enough to understand the implications of what you are proposing to do, and have the support of your mother, will I agree to proceed. You are, after all, still very young.’
‘Thank you very much,’ I replied quietly.
She continued with her preliminary assessment.
‘In the meanwhile I am prepared to continue to prescribe you with testosterone blockers you have been taking. These will remove any urgency concerning the physical changes affecting your body, which might otherwise influence your decision. I am also willing to write a letter to your college explaining that you are undergoing medical and psychological treatment for gender dysphoria, which requires you to live as a female. At least you will be able to continue with your education during your transition.’
‘Thank you Dr Morrison, I could not ask for more at this stage. When do you want to see me again?’
‘I’ll ask the Secretary to arrange an appointment in about a month’s time, by that time the issue of your continuing education should be resolved and your mother will have returned to the UK.’ You may contact my secretary if you wish me to write a letter to the College Principal.’
I got up to go out. It seemed she did not want me to produce any bodily fluids on this occasion — no doubt they would come later,
‘These tablets should not have any effects other than to delay your puberty. If you should later decide to stop taking them your body’s natural testosterone will gradually begin to re-assert itself,’ she said handing me a prescription. ‘If you took them for too long they could impact on your fertility, but there is plenty of time before that becomes an issue and there are a number of other things that we will need to discuss.
I took the prescription, thanked her again and left the consulting room. I was feeling utterly drained by having answered so many questions, yet also elated by the news. I therefore went the hospital café to have a drink and to sit and take stock of what had just happened to me. It was just over six weeks since I arrived in Shrewsbury and yet my life had been turned upside down and inside out in a way that I could not have foreseen, but welcomed nevertheless.
I drafted a text message to send to all those who had signed my card and my mother.
1st appt now over — not as bad as I 4t. Dr v. nice & will help, but transition will take some time. Luv Em. xx
So it was official. I was now embarking on the greatest adventure of my life. The prospect was exciting, and perhaps also a little frightening, but as I overcame each hurdle, I was increasingly sure that it was the right thing for me to do.
I supposed it was inevitable that I’d have to submit to a number of ‘inquests’ concerning my appointment with Dr Nicholson, by my colleagues at work, my elder cousins, my aunt, and later on my mother. By the end of the week I must have gone over the details of our interview a half dozen times and perhaps as many times again in my own mind. But I never doubted the wisdom of what I was planning. I had the feeling that I was making the final preparations to begin a long and exciting journey. I knew exactly where I wanted to go and had found myself a guide. It was now just a question of getting the paperwork sorted and breaking the news to the remaining members of my family — most notably my Gran.
The remainder of that week was spent on a mixture of working for Joyce, catching up with various chores at home, and going out with Rob a couple of times. Having once admitted my plans to Rob, I did not discuss them with him anymore. I would have been prepared to do so but he did not ask. He just accepted me as I was, which was fine by me. I think we both realised that it was a summer romance to be enjoyed whilst it lasted, but not to get too close in case one or other of us should get hurt. The fact that he was now able to visit the house, from time to time, provided us with further opportunities to get to know one another so that we eventually achieved a 7 on the Snogging Scale*, but Rob was true to his word and we left it at that. This was just as well, as there were times when I was not sure that I would have had the staying power to withstand a sustained assault on my virtue. Having a boyfriend seemed to raise my status as a girl when we went out together. Other girls of my own age appeared to notice and respect me more, and some of the other waitresses would stop to chat at work, especially if they had seen us out together.
Shrewsbury was not a particularly large town, which for the present was one of its attractions. However, that small town friendliness could change once my transgendered status became more widely known. But for the moment no-one knew outside my immediate circle of family and friends. I realised that I was probably living in a honeymoon period and that things would be more difficult in future, but for the time being life was great and I felt more ready to face potential difficulties as Emily, than as Chris.
*See http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Snogging%20Scale
(Next time I have to keep Gran up to date with my plans.)
With thanks to Angharad for her help in editing.
Please note I am currently overseas and, moving from place to place. I hope to continue my weekly posting during this period but they may become a little erratic, and responses to any PMs may take a little longer. Louise
Chapter 24
Facing up to adversity
Although there was plenty of traffic on the roads, which slowed us down, the cross-country journey to Sheffield turned out to be good fun. Anne had borrowed her mother’s car and drove Clare and me. We gossiped more or less continuously throughout the almost three-hour journey, and so the time passed comparatively quickly. The absence of our respective boyfriends gave us plenty to talk and laugh about on a subject other than my transition, which was a relief to me, as I was beginning to get bored with answering the same questions. There seemed to be so many more interesting things to talk about as a young woman: our feelings and emotions; our relationships; how we looked, and what we liked to wear. These were all subjects that men would instinctively avoid and rather talk about mind-numbing topics such as politics, football or cars. Clare and Anne had treated me as a girl since the day after my arrival in Shrewsbury, but now having an acknowledged boyfriend things were somehow different; I now felt more of an equal and able to contribute to their conversation. Of course there were some topics that I could never share with them — menstrual flows or the inconveniences of PMT, but in a funny sort of way I felt privileged that my cousins chose to discuss these subjects in my company without them feeling any awkwardness. It was as if I were being drawn further into the sisterhood.
We arrived in Sheffield just in time for lunch. Gran was looking a lot better than she did when I’d last seen her three weeks before; much more like her old self. She had also regained something of her former character, which at times could include an ironic sense of humour.
‘You are looking very pretty today, Emily,’ she greeted me smiling.
‘Thanks, Gran,’ I replied giving her a kiss.
‘Perhaps you could give a few fashion hints to your cousins,’ she added in a voice just loud enough for me to hear. I blushed as she proceeded to greet my companions.
Inevitably, the state of her health and her prospects for a complete recovery were our first topic of conversation. She proudly demonstrated that she was beginning to regain some of the movement that she had lost as a result of her stroke, although she was still reliant on a walking stick and would be for some time to come. The main thing was that she had regained a degree of her independence around the home and could look after herself, although would continue to need help with such things as shopping. She had even cooked a simple lunch for us all.
Clare and I served the meal and then we all sat down to discuss Karen’s good news and the fact that she was in process of moving to Telford that weekend. Gran asked how Anne and Clare were getting on and whether Aunt Carol had recovered from her enforced time away in July. We also spoke briefly about the work that Clare and I were doing, and then Mum’s business venture and our plans to relocate to Shrewsbury when she returned to the UK. Surprisingly, the one topic that was not raised was my recent hospital appointment, although I could not believe that she was unaware of what had taken place. The lines of communication in our family were perpetually buzzing. Eventually, after the meal was over Gran turned to my cousins.
‘Anne, would you and Clare do me a favour and go to the supermarket to get some shopping please? It’ll be more convenient as you have your mother’s car. I don’t like to keep asking the neighbours for their help.’
My two cousins readily agreed and were presented with a longish shopping list together with my grandmother’s purse.
‘I’ll come as well,’ I said.
‘No Emily, I would like you would stay and help me to clear up, there are also one or two things I want to talk to you about,’ she said.
That sounded ominous; but I couldn’t very well refuse. I therefore began clearing the dishes from the table whilst my cousins went out. As soon as they had left I began to wash up and she sat at the kitchen table drying them. After a little while she spoke.
‘I’ve been hearing about your plans to become Emily full-time from your mother and your aunt, and I must say that I am rather worried by what I’ve heard.
‘But I thought you’d be on my side, Gran, until now you’ve been quite positive about my living as Emily,’ I replied.
Gran sighed.
‘Emily, I’m on your side, and I want you to be happy in your life, but don’t you think you’re rather young to be making changes to your body, that you won’t be able to reverse?
‘If I don’t start making those changes soon, then my body will start to make its own changes which I will not be able to reverse,’ I answered.
‘Couldn’t you wait until you are a little older before deciding how to spend the remainder of your life?’’
It was a fair point, particularly now that I was taking the testosterone blockers, but it had taken a lot of determination to reach this point and I was clear in my own mind about what I wanted to do. I decided not to mention the tablets.
‘No Gran, I’m afraid not. I need to start my transition as soon as possible if I am going to be able to pass successfully as a woman in the future. If I leave it too long, I will start to look like a man in a dress, and then will never be able to be acknowledged as a woman.’
‘But you already look like an attractive young woman, without taking any hormones.’
I looked away feeling pleased but a little embarrassed by her comment.
‘Maybe but that won’t always be the case. In any event I don’t feel like a woman, with all this padding.’
‘I find that difficult to believe just by looking at you now, you look so lovely these days,’ she replied.
I didn’t answer, not knowing what to say. After a moment’s silence Gran returned to the offensive
‘But suppose you were to change your mind after a year or so?’
Why do people always assume that I’m going to change my mind? I asked myself.
‘Believe me Gran, this is not a game or a whim. I won’t change my mind,’ I said now looking straight in her eyes. ‘I may only have decided over the last couple of weeks, but I have never been so certain of anything in my life. This is who I want to be. In any event, my therapist will not let me proceed with taking female hormones unless she is convinced that I know what I’m doing and that it’s the right thing for me.’
‘But you may want to get married one day,’
‘Once I have lived as a woman for two years it will be possible for me to change my gender officially and then get married, if I find the right man.’
She winced slightly as I said this; I am not sure this was what she’d had in mind.
‘But what about children?’
‘I don’t think medical science has advanced that far,‘ I replied, deliberately misunderstanding her.
She sighed.
‘I meant the prospect of you fathering children.’
That prospect doesn’t seem very likely or particularly desirable to me at the moment. How could I be a father figure to children when I look, act and feel the way I do?’ However, this will be one of the things my therapist will want to discuss with me before we proceed.’
She sighed again. I finished the washing up, and then began to put the dishes away in the cupboard. In the meanwhile she made us both a cup of tea and we went to continue our conversation in the living room.
Clare and Anne were gone for nearly an hour and a half; throughout that time Gran kept up a barrage of questions and potential objections to my plan. She did not do so in a nasty or aggressive way, more in the nature of asking whether I had thought about the implications and potential difficulties of what I was planning. What was going to happen about my schooling? Where would I live whilst I was undergoing the transition? Would there be any side effects to taking hormones? How would I react when people reacted negatively to me as a transsexual? What job would I do? Where would it all end?’ I didn’t think she was ready to discuss the possibility of an operation, and it was some years away, so I just said that I didn’t know. She even tried a little bit of emotional blackmail: how did I feel about depriving my mother of grandchildren?’ I tried my best to answer her questions with calmness and resolution, demonstrating that I had already considered many of these issues. I also stressed that it was my life, and that I knew my mind. I tried to explain that any attempt to try and live as a man once more would be quite intolerable. I did not mention the word ‘suicide’ as I did not wish to appear melodramatic but I tried to convey the impression that I could not now bear to go back to living as Chris. I had the impression that if I could just get through this interview without losing my temper or dissolving into tears, I would be able to cope with anything my therapist, my mother, aunt, or the world could throw at me in the future.
After a while our conversation seemed to be going round in circles. She had asked all the questions that she had and I had answered them as fully and honestly as I could, without giving way.
‘Gran, I know that what I am doing must seem incomprehensible to you, but you must trust me that I know what is right for me‘.
She sighed and visibly relaxed and smiled at me. She took my hand and squeezed it.
‘Alright Emily, I am now convinced that you have thought about what you are doing, and that it is probably right for you. I’ll never again question you motives or the wisdom of your choice. I must now endeavour to forget that I ever had a grandson and welcome Emily as a permanent feature of the family.’
I was relieved that her opposition was now over and for the first time that day I lost control, and began to cry.
‘Oh Gran, I am sorry if I am going to disappoint you.’
‘Emily please don’t ever think of yourself as a disappointment to me, or to anyone else. I love having granddaughters and will now have one more. I am sorry if I have cross-examined you, but I wanted to be sure that you were doing the right thing for your sake.’
‘I realise that you only want what is best for me, but you must understand that Chris was truly unhappy as a boy’ I replied giving her a hug.
‘Alright, I may not fully understand, but I will always be proud to have you as my granddaughter.’
‘I believe that Mum and Aunt Carol both understand why I must become a woman,’
‘Maybe I will as well one day, and there are also your three cousins. It looks as if you will have plenty of allies, but I suspect you may come across plenty of difficulties as well in the coming months.’
I know that,’ I replied.
Gran smiled.
‘I was going to say that I hope to live long enough to see you become a beautiful young woman, but just looking at you I now realise that you’ve already achieved that.’
I just had time to dry my eyes, wash my face and repair my makeup before Anne and Clare returned with the shopping. In the meanwhile Gran had laid the table for a simple tea before we left. No further reference was made to our conversation and over tea I spoke about my impending exam results and the course I hoped to do at college.
‘Did she give you much of a grilling whilst we were gone?’ asked Anne as we were driving home.
‘Yes.’
‘We guessed as much, that’s why we took our time with the shopping, to give her plenty of time to give you a thorough going over,’ said Clare joking.
‘Thanks a lot!’ I responded.
‘What was the outcome?’ asked Anne.
‘It took a bit of time to win her over, but I do believe that she now completely accepts that she has a fourth granddaughter and no longer has a grandson. She has promised not to raise the matter again.’
‘So what’s next on your agenda?’ asked Clare.
I shrugged my shoulders.
‘Wait for my exam results and hopefully begin my new life in September.’
‘I get the impression that your new life began when you arrived in Shrewsbury,’ commented Anne.
‘Yes, and I couldn’t have wished for a better one,’ I thought to myself.
I sat in the back of the car on the way home and on this occasion did not take as much part in the conversation between Anne and her sister. I preferred to sit back and go through my own thoughts on the last week’s events. I wasn’t sure only about the wisdom of what I was doing, but also confident that I could stand up to any cross-examination that may be directed at me. We got home about eight o’clock
Mum telephoned me during the course of the evening.
‘I’ve had a long discussion with your Gran. She thinks that I should be with you whilst you get yourself established in Shrewsbury and start a college course. I believe she’s right and I have therefore decided to cut short my business trip and return to the UK next Friday.’
‘You don’t need to do that, I am doing fine here Mum,’ I said, although the prospect of her early return was quite attractive to me.
‘I think it is time for me to come home, as there are important things are happening in your life and I want to be with you at this time. In any event I’ve more than enough business for the next year and so I have cancelled my last fortnight away. Carol has offered to let me stay in Karen’s room for a fortnight whilst we get things sorted out for you. I’ll then go back to Eastbourne as originally planned and put the house on the market. I hope to arrive at Birmingham airport at 2.30 on Friday. She has promised to come and meet me off the plane.
‘I’ll come as well, if I can get the time off work.
‘That would be nice, if you can arrange it.’
‘I think it should be ok if I offer to work at some time over the weekend. By the way, Friday’s the day my exam results are due to be published.’
‘Good, that will give us a day or two to decide what you are going to do, and then the following week to make the necessary arrangements,’ she said.
(Next time Mum returns to the UK.)
With thanks to Angharad for her help in editing.
Please note I am currently overseas and, moving from place to place. I hope to continue my weekly posting during this period but they may become a little erratic, and responses to any PMs may take a little longer. Louise
Chapter 25
Mum’s return
These days I found myself thinking of Chris as a different person, and his previous life as being of less interest or relevance to me. It was not that I disliked my former self, more a question of feeling sorry for him. He’d led a rather dull grey life compared to Emily’s exciting colourful one. I realised that the envelope held part of the key to Emily’s future, but somehow it didn’t seem right for me to open it. My Aunt and my two cousins had no such qualms about the letter and insisted that I should go ahead, and do so quickly, before they had to leave. I therefore took a deep breath, opened it and examined the printed slip inside.
In the event the results were not at all bad: five respectable passes; two at grade ‘C’ two at grade ‘B’ and one ‘A’, no fails or referrals. It’s a pity that they were in the wrong name, but hopefully that would be fixed in due course. Chris was never one of those geniuses who achieved straight ‘A*’ grades without trying; no-one was ever going to suggest that he considered a career in brain surgery or rocket science. However, with five good passes including, Maths and English, Emily now had a passport to further education in terms of either the more academically based ‘A’ levels or else a vocational course, if she wanted to do so. I was especially pleased with the grade ‘A’ in English, which was written by Chris before he’d even thought about life as a girl. I would undoubtedly write differently today as Emily saw life from a different perspective.
I was also relieved that I would not have the complication of a September re-sit, as these sometimes included a ‘How I spent my summer holidays’ type essay question. I smiled to think that if I were ever called upon to write an account of my fortuitous adventure this summer, I might lose some marks for ‘improbability’.
My two cousins offered me their congratulations and a kiss on the cheek before they had to leave to go to work. Aunt Carol stayed to talk for a while.
‘I hope your mother with be pleased with your results, and that you can now settle down and find a college course to suit you.’
‘Yes I hope so too. Thanks again for letting me stay on in Shrewsbury.’
‘Think nothing of it; nobody wanted to see you try and study at home on your own.’
‘I just hope that I get on alright at college.’
‘You’ll inevitably have some problems adjusting over the next year, and the novelty of wearing makeup and nice clothes will soon wear off, but I believe that you have the ability and determination to overcome them.’
‘I hope so. I’m sure it is what I want.’
‘I know. By the way, I have to go into town briefly this morning, Emily, is there anything you need?’
‘I’ve almost finished the tablets that Karen gave me, would you mind taking my prescription to the chemist for me?’ I replied.
She took it from me and noticed that it was in Emily’s rather than Chris’s name. Dr Morrison had been thoughtful in this respect. She had given me a prescription for a three-month supply of Aldactone.
‘Are these having any effect on you?’ she asked.
‘I seem to need to go to the loo more often, but the main purpose of them is to stop testosterone from changing my body. The real changes will only begin once I start on oestrogen.’
‘Alright I’ll collect your pills for you, but you’ll have to sign the back of your prescription for me to be your representative first.’
I did as she requested. It was one of the first official signatures that I’d made using what I hoped would soon become my legal name.
‘Remember that we’ll need to leave for the airport after an early lunch, so what have you planned for this morning Miss?
‘Nothing really, I need to wash my hair, de-fuzz my arms and legs, and then decide what to wear to look my best, to welcome mum home. After all, I might as well enjoy wearing nice clothes and makeup before the novelty wears off,’ I replied in a jokey voice.
Aunt Carol smiled.
‘Three hours should be enough time if you hurry,’ she said with a touch of irony.
‘Alright then, I’ll also prepare us a light lunch ready for when you get back,’ I replied smiling.
Having taken some trouble to achieve perfectly smooth legs, I wanted to be able to show them off, but I didn’t want to wear an outfit which Mum had already seen. The American girl had owned a pale green ‘Vintage style’ pleated pocket dress, which was made of a lovely textured fabric that was light enough for a hot Summers day, whilst the lining gave it a smooth and comfortable fit. This would do fine. I combined it with the pair of strappy gladiator sandals that I’d bought for myself a few weeks back, a matching belt that I’d recently picked up in a sale and a shoulder bag. Although I enjoyed wearing high heels, I also liked these sandals as they showed off my painted toe nails.
I hadn’t really given a lot of thought to the mysterious American girl over the last month, despite the fact that she’d inadvertently changed my life forever. I began to wonder who she was and how she reacted when she discovered her mistake early in July. I hope she had enjoyed spending my holiday money, because I’d certainly enjoyed wearing some of her clothes, and, in retrospect, I can’t help but think that I got the best of the bargain.
Aunt Carol didn’t pass comment on my chosen outfit when we had lunch together before leaving for the airport, but I could tell that she approved of my choice. Her attitude to me had changed since my decision to make a permanent transition to Emily. She was no longer treating me as being ‘special’ or ‘different’. I was now her niece who just happened to be staying for a few weeks. As long as I didn’t try to wear anything too outlandish or provocative, such as my rah-rah skirt, she was happy to let me get on with things and learn through trial and error. For my part I preferred it that way. I was gradually getting the hang of what looked good on me and was no longer as reliant on the guidance of my cousins or Jenny as I had been a couple of weeks before.
Before we left she handed over to me three boxes of the Aldactone tablets, each containing a month’s supply.
‘Good luck with those,’ she said.
‘Thanks.’
‘I hope they help you achieve what you want.’
‘This is just phase one, things will really start to change once I start taking oestrogen, but I do feel that I have now set out on my journey.’
My Aunt’s house was fifty-five miles from the airport, almost all of which was motorway. On a good day it would take just over an hour for us to drive, but the M5/M6 junction just north of Birmingham was a bottleneck and was often badly congested, particularly on Friday afternoons. Probably we would be safe enough if we allowed ourselves an extra fifteen minutes for the journey down, but we would be almost bound to be sitting in a traffic jam on the way home. For that journey it might be better to take the M6 toll road, even though it would add an extra five miles and an additional five pounds to the cost of the journey.
We chatted together on the way down. She wanted to know how I was getting on with Rob and what was going to happen when he went back to university. I gave her the expurgated version, although she probably guessed as much. After all, she had been sixteen, herself, once, even though it was thirty odd years ago, before they even had mobile phones, let alone Facebook! (How on earth did people organise their social lives in those days?) We also talked about Karen’s engagement and my Mum’s plans to move her business to Shrewsbury. We eventually arrived at the airport and, after parking the car in the ‘Short-stay’ car park found our way to the Terminal 1 ‘meeting and greeting area’. The indicator boards were showing that mum’s flight had recently landed, which meant we had about twenty minutes to spare before she emerged. We stood around impatiently and the minutes really seemed to drag until at last some passengers from the Moscow flight began to emerge.
‘I don’t know what possessed your Mum to go to Moscow?’ Carol commented.
‘Trying to sell her lingerie I suppose’ I replied.
‘I understood that doing business in Russia was supposed to be very risky.’
‘I don’t believe the Russian mafia has moved into lingerie yet, but she employs an agent out there who knows her way around the clothing business and can translate for her. For some reason, they seem to like her designs in Eastern Europe.’
‘Good! It sounds as if this summer trip has been a great success for her.’
‘Yes I believe so,’ I replied and then quietly added, ‘and for me as well.’
Although I’d briefly seen Mum at the beginning of August, and had spoken to her several times on the phone, it was not until I saw her emerge from the gate with a luggage trolley loaded with two large suitcases and a cabin bag, that I realised just how much I’d missed her over the last six weeks. As soon as I saw her I rushed over to throw my arms round her and tell her how pleased I was to see her, with tears in my eyes. It was a spontaneous reaction on my part, yet it occurred to me later in the car that it was something that Chris would never have done. I had not yet got as far as taking oestrogen, but my outlook on life and emotional identity already seemed to have changed. Maybe the testosterone blockers that I’d been taking over the last ten days were having an effect, or perhaps I just felt more able to show my feelings as Emily.
Mum was clearly pleased and surprised by my welcome and glad to be back in the UK once more, but she also looked tired. So after a few hugs and kisses all round I took charge of her luggage trolley and the three of us made our way to the car park chatting happily. Her luggage certainly had grown since she had left at the beginning of July.
‘Didn’t you have to pay for excess baggage for all this?’ I asked.
‘A little, but I couldn’t come home after being away for so long without a few gifts for you, your cousins and your Aunt.’
‘But you’ve already bought me something nice for my birthday,’ I replied.
‘I think you’ll soon discover Emily, that a girl can never have too many clothes,’ added Carol.
‘Come on then Emily, don’t keep me waiting any longer, what about your exam results?’ asked Mum.
‘One, ‘A’, two ‘B’s and two ‘Cs’,’ I responded, proudly.
‘Well done,’ she said, stopping to give me yet another hug.
‘I suppose it was Chris rather than Emily who got the grades, but it will be Emily who makes use of them. I hope that I will be accepted to do a travel and tourism course at the local college.’
‘In that case I’m very proud of both of you,’ Mum replied.
During the car journey home we all caught up with events in our respective lives. Mum told us the latest about her business and how she had more than enough work for the next year and would need to take on some clerical and also perhaps some other help as soon as she could re-site her business. I outlined my plans for Shrewsbury College. Mum said that we would make an appointment to see an Admissions Tutor at the earliest opportunity, to explain my particular situation. Aunt Carol confirmed that I could stay living with her, and that Mum could have the use Karen’s room until she could find somewhere in the area for ourselves. It turned out that Mum had already been doing a fair amount of preparation at a distance and had been in touch with Estate Agents in both Eastbourne and Shrewsbury. Those in Eastbourne had collected a key to our house and had drawn up specifications so that it could go on the market as soon as she returned. Apparently our house was a desirable property and they did not foresee any particular difficulties or delays in selling it despite the difficulties that were being experienced elsewhere in the housing market. Mum had also been sent details of properties from Estate Agents in the Shrewsbury area and had in mind three or four likely candidates. Aunt Carol promised to drive us to have a look at them over the next few days. Like Aunt Carol, Mum also wanted the lowdown on Rob, which surprised me as I’d never got round to mentioning his existence to her, but you never could keep a secret like that in our family.
Once we were back in Shrewsbury, Aunt Carol realised that Mum and I would need some time to talk together privately so she suggested that I helped take her cases up to Karen’s room whilst she began to prepare the evening meal. As soon as we were alone, Mum turned to me and took both of my hands in hers.
‘Your Gran and your Aunt both tell me that I should be proud of my new daughter and forget that I ever had a son,’ she said.
‘I realise that may be difficult for you, given that you raised me as a boy, but it is what I want more than anything,’ I replied.
She sighed.
‘So it looks as if it’s going to be Emily permanently from now on then?’
I blushed but then nodded. Mum smiled and then hugged me.
‘How could I not be proud of such a beautiful daughter? Of course I will support you and your decision in every way I can.’
‘Thank you, I am so pleased to have you back Mum,’ I said beginning to cry once again.
‘I’m sorry I had to go away, but I’ll now do my best to help you get settled into your new life as a girl,’ she replied still hugging me and beginning to cry herself.
‘Thanks,’ I replied sniffing.
‘You know, I always wanted a daughter. It is not that I didn’t want a son as well, but a daughter is something special to a mother.
‘I think I may have subconsciously known that, all the time,’ I said. ‘I hope I’ll be able to live up to your expectations.’
‘Of course you will. Although I’ve bought you some more things to wear, whilst I’ve been away, I am most of all looking forward to going out shopping with my new daughter.’
‘Me too,’ I replied feeling happier than I’d ever done before.
(Next time - June 2011)
With thanks to Angharad for her help in editing.
I hope to be able to post the final instalment over the next three or four days. Louise
Chapter 26
My life to date
Mum took me on the promised shopping trip the next day. It turned out to be a real marathon, and I kept trying to tell her that Emily already had plenty of clothes, but she wouldn’t listen. She just said that she’d waited all those years for the opportunity to go shopping with a daughter and so she intended to make up for lost time. Fortunately we tended to like the same styles and usually agreed on what looked good on me. The upshot was that, by the end of the day, my collection of clothes and cosmetics was on a par with Clare’s. It was just as well that I had quietly ditched Chris’s few remaining clothes because there certainly would have been no room for them in my wardrobe after that day.
She also rang the college on Monday morning and then the two of us went to see someone on Tuesday afternoon. The procedures turned out to be relatively straightforward. I was not the first transgendered student they’d had, and they seemed to be quite relaxed and understanding about my situation. We discussed whether I would be open about my transition with the other students, and what bathrooms I would use. To begin with I would use the unisex ‘disabled toilets,’ and then play it by ear as to when I should start using the ladies. (In the event I used the ladies bathrooms from day two onwards.) I told them that I did not want a big issue made of my gender, but I had no doubt that word would get round in due course. The college promised that they would support me in any way they could and take action if there were any instances of bullying. I would need some form of letter from Dr Morrison in due course in order to explain why my GCSE certificates were for a male named Chris whereas their student was a female named Emily. However, there was nothing to stop me from starting the new course the following week on the 7th September 2009. I came away with a pile of reading matter, timetables and other documents, wondering what I had let myself in for.
I introduced Mum to Jenny and Joyce, and told them how we had got on at the College. Jenny had also just been accepted on to the fashion course and Mum was interested to hear all about it from her. I explained my college commitments to Joyce but said that I was interested in continuing to work for her part time, if I could. She in turn said that she would be pleased to have me continue, particularly as Clare had informed her that she would be studying extra hard over the next year as she wanted to take the entrance exam for Cambridge University and so she did not feel able to do any work during term time.
I also introduced Mum to Rob when he called round on Tuesday evening to take me out. I was a little anxious about how she might react to him, but she was friendly and he in turn was polite to her. They spoke about his University course and his plans to go overseas next summer, so it must have been obvious to her that our budding romance was not going anywhere, without me having to spell it out. Nevertheless Rob and I continued to see one another over the next fortnight and had some good fun together. Ultimately I was sad to see him go, as he’d taught me a lot, and accepted me without question. On our last date I indulged him with a little of what Louise Rennison refers to as BWA (Below Waist Activity) as a special treat to remember me by, but without sacrificing every young girl’s ‘most precious possession’ (and I don’t mean her heart).
We also spent a few days with Aunt Carol in driving around and looking at houses for sale. By Thursday she had put an offer on a house just off the Radbrook Road, near to the edge of town. It was a mile or two from Aunt Carol’s house, but closer to the college, so that it suited me.
Mum stayed in Shrewsbury for a week to make sure that I’d everything I needed for my new course, and for my new life, but she was anxious to leave for Eastbourne and begin the task of winding up her business and moving to Shrewsbury. I was quite sad to see her go once more but realised it was a necessary part of our future life in the town, and in any event, I had plenty to keep me occupied. It was rather daunting to be starting a new college course, this time as a girl, but I did have Jenny to advise me on what to wear and to keep me company at break times, even though most of our classes were different. After a few days I found that I was being accepted by the other students in my class and I even began to make some more friends. Some parts of the course were quite easy and almost common sense, but other aspects were more challenging, such as the legal and health and safety issues. Ultimately I felt that I had made the right choice with the course.
Mum did make a couple of flying visits to Shrewsbury over the next few weeks when there were forms to sign in respect of the proposed house move. She found a buyer for our house quite quickly, but with the inevitable delays involved, it was not going to be until after Christmas before we moved. The second of Mum’s visits to Shrewsbury, in late October, coincided with the college half-term and so I returned with her to Eastbourne for a few days in order to dispose of the last vestiges of Chris’s former life. It was an odd, slightly unreal, feeling to be sleeping in his bed once again. I was now so immersed in Emily and in her concerns that I could no longer remember what it was like to be Chris. Of course I realised that I’d spent my first fifteen years as a boy, but it now felt as if I were an onlooker to someone else’s life. It was with a sense of relief that I disposed of his remaining clothes and possessions. There was very little at Eastbourne that I wanted or needed for my new life. I travelled back to Shrewsbury by train on my own and this time made sure that I kept my eye on my suitcase throughout the journey.
I had lengthy interviews with Dr Morrison once a month. These were never unpleasant but they were always probing, into every aspect of my life: including how I was getting on at college; when Mum was likely to be moving to Shrewsbury; as well as my deeper feelings about my female life-style and my future. I’d half hoped that when my supply of Aldactone was finished at the end of November, she might be willing to start me on oestrogen. I raised this topic with her, but she said she thought that too many things were happening in my life at the same time, and that it would not do me any harm to wait until after Mum had moved to Shrewsbury and we had settled into our new house. I was inevitably disappointed as I was anxious to get on with my new life as quickly as possible, but I did not want to antagonise her.
One of the readers of my story described me as being “in the middle of the 'Pink Fog' as first time attendees of Gender Conventions get when they experience so many positive things while out and about en-femme, especially if it is their first time.”* I think she was probably right in her assessment, and Dr Morrison had also perhaps picked up on it. Until November everything had gone well for me with my transition. I’d been accepted as Emily wherever I went and also made friends. I’d even had a brief but enjoyable relationship. But true life is never quite so easy and it was only a matter of time before rumours about my origins began to spread. Soon after I returned to college after half term Jenny reported that she’d heard someone say that I’d once been a boy. She told me that she had poured scorn on the girl concerned for believing such an unlikely tale, but now wanted to know how she should deal with the situation if it arose again. We decided that I should take a few of my new friends on the course into my confidence to test their reaction and thereafter let the information gradually seep out into public knowledge. I told three of them (two girls and a guy) at the beginning of December. They were all surprised by the news, but nobody freaked. It took the lad a day or two to come to terms with the idea, but eventually they all treated me as they had done so before and we all exchanged Christmas cards soon afterwards. After that, there did not seem to be any point in hiding my past, although I would never broadcast the fact.
I did receive some strange looks and a few nasty comments, both at college and in town, over the next few weeks, but only from people who did not know me. Eventually things settled down. I later discovered that my unknown secret weapon at this time was Jenny who would give a severe tongue-lashing to anyone she thought was being disrespectful to me. Jenny is a sweet girl and has been a good friend to me but she can become a wildcat when roused. I was once threatened with violence by a lad who had kissed me at a disco and then afterwards found out about me, but I just walked away leaving him looking foolish in front of his friends. I suspected he may have unresolved issues regarding his own sexuality or gender identity. I discussed all these matters with Dr Morrison at our meeting in January and she seemed quite pleased with the way I had reacted.
Mum came to spend Christmas 2009 with my Aunt and my cousins, bringing Gran with her as well, who seems to have recovered from her stroke. It was a bit of a squash in the house as Karen was there as well. Mum had to share bedrooms with Aunt Carol and I did with Clare, so that Gran could have the spare room. It was good fun but eventually got a little intense to have seven women and no men in the house at the same time. My cousins and I therefore made our own plans for Boxing Day: Clare and I went over to see Jenny and show off our respective Christmas presents. Three weeks later Mum and I moved in to our new house. At our February meeting Dr Morrison at last referred me to an endocrinologist at the hospital and from 1st March 2010 I have been using oestrogen patches and taking tablets daily.
My reactions to taking oestrogen were predictable and had been explained to me and so I did my best to accept them as the inevitable price of progress towards my chosen goal. Fairly soon after I started my emotions were all over the shop, and I would either dissolve into tears or else throw a wobbly at the slightest provocation. No doubt I was a sore trial to my mother and my friends at this time. Then my nipples then started to itch and later became downright sore and so I had to put cream on them. I also gradually began to notice other more welcome changes to my body; my skin became smoother and my hips more rounded, and my breasts began to grow. I never doubted for one second the wisdom of my actions, and welcomed the knowledge that I had now passed the point of no return.
Inevitably, once I moved out of Aunt Carol’s house I saw a lot less of my cousins, especially Clare. She was now studying hard for her Cambridge entrance exams and so we might only see one another one night a week. I continued to see a lot of Jenny however, both at college and also when I worked part-time for her mother. Then in March of last year she did some work experience for my mother, who was so impressed with her that she offered her some part-time work. Jenny then-based her first-year project on my mother’s lingerie business, and ended up spending the summer of 2010 as one of my mother’s designers. I continued working for Joyce during the summer of 2010, but this time in a supervisory capacity. I even had to boss around Clare who was working as a part-time waitress, but she took it in good part as she was off to Cambridge in September and destined for great things. Jenny and I both returned to Shrewsbury College for a second year.
It is now June 2011 and I’ve just handed in the last piece of course work and taken the final exam for the second year of my course. Joyce has offered me a full-time job, which I have accepted, but I still have a hankering to become an air hostess or holiday rep, and so I keep my eye open for suitable advertisements after the summer. Jenny and I are looking forward to seeing Clare soon, as we haven’t seen her since last Christmas, but she won’t be around for long before she goes travelling with some guy she has met at university. Jenny and I have both dated several guys over the last year or so. In my case I always make sure they know about my past, and then give them a cooling off period before I agree to go out with them. Sometimes the guys appear to be only after one thing, and then lose interest when they discover that they are not going to get it. However other guys seem genuinely interested in me as a person and I feel sad that I am not yet able to respond to them sexually as I would wish.
I’ve now been taking female hormones for fifteen months and living as Emily for nearly two years. I cannot now conceive of what it must have been like to have been Chris. Dr Morrison says she is very pleased with my progress and earlier this year she referred me to a Gender Identity Clinic in London. All concerned have agreed to support my application for a Gender Recognition Certificate as soon as I am eighteen in August. I will then legally be female and could even get married in the unlikely even that I should meet ‘Mr Right’ in the meanwhile. As it is, I’ve already changed my name, acquired a bank account, a driving licence and several other documents in the name of Emily. I have also been placed on the waiting list for corrective surgery. I have been warned that this may take some time, but I am still young, and fortunately I started taking the testosterone blockers and the oestrogen in good time, before puberty did any damage to my appearance. However, whenever it should come, I feel psychologically ready to take that final step to become a complete woman.
The novelty of wearing makeup and nice clothes never did wear off, or at least has not done so yet. I’ve recently ditched the last of my hair extensions, as my own hair is now long enough and I enjoy my regular visits to the salon to have it styled. My bra size is a 36B, but my boobs appear now to have stopped growing. I’m due to receive some money from my father on my eighteenth birthday and so I am considering whether to get them surgically enhance,d as a present to myself. Mum tells me that 36C is the average bra size for a woman of my height and build, although I’d be tempted to go for a 36D. I’d then be able to model Mum and Jenny’s lingerie designs for them. However, there is a chance that they’ll start growing again. I’ll have to make up my mind soon; Karen will be getting married this coming September and she’s anxious to get the bridesmaid dresses made in good time.
* Comment by Kimmie on chapter 20
Once again, my grateful thanks to Gabi who was helping me to edit this work at the time of her untimely death, and to Angharad who took over the task. Thanks also to everyone who has commented on the chapters or awarded kudos.
Louise
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Jane didn't want her colleague, Denis, to be left out of her 'hen night' celebration for her forthcoming wedding, even though it was due to be held at a 'women only' venue. She later discovered that he would be able to do her a great favour and take a more active role in the ceremony. Denis goes on to find that there are new opportunities and friendships as Denise and a whole new way of life for the summer. Over the next few weeks Denise comes to terms with a new job, some new accommodation and also meets her family. She must decide whether to start dating, and discover the joys and difficulties of being a girl before setting out on a perilous journey to full-time womanhood.
The story is set during the summer of 2004, principally in the Shepherd's Bush area of London, but also includes visits to Birmingham, Norwich, Brighton and Bath. A Summer of Changes
A novel Copyright © 2010 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
by Louise Anne Smithson
Chapter 1
'What shall we do about Denis?’
‘Where are you planning to take us for your hen night next week Jane?’ asked Susan as they both arrived at work and were taking off their coats and changing their shoes.
‘There's a club near Covent Garden that has a ‘girls only’ evening with a male strip show every Friday. That would be both convenient for everyone at work and would also suit several of my other friends. I thought I'd book a table there,’ she replied.
‘How many are you expecting to come?’
‘There'll be the five of us from work, and I've four other girl friends living in London, and then my sister of course.’
‘Is she younger or older than you?'
‘She's just twenty, she was born eighteen months after me. We share a flat together, that is until next week of course, as I’ll be moving in to Simon’s flat once we get back from the honeymoon,’ she said, taking her seat at her computer and waiting for it to boot up. She then changed the subject.
‘The only problem is I'm worried about what to do about Denis next week.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Whether I should ask him or not?’
‘It's supposed to be a 'hen night'; he won’t expect to be asked,’ answered Sue.
‘I know’, said Jane, ‘but he'll be the only one from the office who will be left out, and I don’t think he goes out very much.’
‘Yes he is rather shy, and has never mentioned having a girl friend, or indeed a boyfriend for that matter. It's a pity because he's such a helpful young man, and seeks to get on with us all,’ said Sue.
‘He's rather an ugly duckling,’ continued Jane.
‘He's not ugly, I like him and think he’s rather sweet.’
‘Alright he's not ugly, but is rather underdeveloped for his age. Most eighteen year old guys that I know are taller than me, have broad shoulders and deep voices. You may think he's sweet but I bet you don’t fancy him.’
‘No, he's too young and too short for my tastes, but I 'd be happy to have him as a kid brother.’
‘Me too, that is why I was wondering if we could invite him along to my hen night,’ continued Jane.
‘But I thought you said it was a 'girls only' night at the club?’
‘I was wondering whether we could disguise him as a girl and smuggle him in with us. What do you think?’ asked Jane.
‘I'm not sure,’ said Sue, intrigued by the idea. ‘We'd have to make a pretty convincing job of it otherwise he would be kicked out of the club and that would be worse than not inviting him in the first place.’
After a moment’s thought, Jane enlarged upon her idea.
‘His build isn't exactly macho is it and now I think about it, his looks are a little feminine. Helen could probably loan him some suitable clothes for the evening. Sarah does a great job with hair extensions, and perhaps you could give him a makeover.’
Sue tried to picture their colleague dressed as a young woman.
‘Jane, I think you're probably right. The main thing would be to make him look convincing without going over the top and make him look like a drag queen. But, but do you think he would agree to come out with us all dressed as a girl?’
‘I've no idea,’ answered Jane, ‘but if we all agree to help with the transition, and promise to look after him on the night, then we might be able to talk him into coming. At least then I'd have tried my best to include him in my hen night.’
‘Alright, he's not due in to work until this afternoon, let’s discuss it with the others over coffee. If they're agreeable we can draw up an action plan,’ said Sue.
Helen Armstrong’s wholesale clothing business had been set up by her twenty years earlier, and dealt with ladies’ fashions. It marketed a range of clothes to independent dress shops on behalf of several smaller fashion houses and manufacturers. She now employed five staff in addition to herself. These were Sarah and Mary, who were both in their early thirties, Jane and Sue, who were ten years younger, and Denis Simons, who was just eighteen. Helen had previously always recruited attractive well-dressed, and fashion conscious young ladies who would make the right impression on buyers and indeed occasionally might actually model the goods for her. However her plan had come adrift when she needed someone with well-developed computer-skills to help them automate the production of her catalogue and set up a web site. The only suitable candidate who would accept the salary she was offering was a gentle, slightly-built young man with a rather high-pitched voice. Despite his being so young and the office junior he soon proved himself to be popular because of his hard work and helpfulness, and because of his useful knowledge of how to automate some of the routine clerical and bookkeeping tasks.
Much of the talk in the office during the last few weeks had centred on Jane’s impending wedding in a fortnight’s time. She came from a wealthy family in the Midlands, but had no mother, and so was organising the wedding by herself, with the advice of her workmates and with the help of her younger sister. She was marrying a barrister who was a few years older than her and so money was no particular problem. Everything about the wedding had to be just right, however.
Jane raised the issue of their young male colleague during the coffee break later that morning.
‘Sue and I were considering whether there was something we might do to include Denis next Friday evening when I have my hen night,’ she announced to everyone in the office except her subject.
‘What do you suggest?’ asked Mary.
‘We were wondering if, between us, we could successfully disguise him as a young woman so that he could come along with us. I believe we've the necessary skills to do quite a good conversion job, if he were agreeable’.
‘I'd happily provide the necessary clothes,’ said Helen, ‘I feel guilty because he never gets any of the free samples. I asked him once if he had a girlfriend or a sister, but he said that he didn't have a girlfriend, rarely saw his sister and didn't know her dress size.’
‘I could even provide some medical silicone breast forms,’ said Jane. ‘I bought them a couple of years ago when my mother had breast cancer, but she died before she had a chance to wear them.’
‘We already have the necessary hair pieces and so I could easily extend his hair, if Helen doesn't mind my doing it at work,’ said Sarah.
‘That’ll be fine, I won’t mind since I owe you both some time.’
‘Would the same apply to my doing his make-up and manicure?’ asked Sue.
‘Yes, alright then, as it is for a special occasion,’ said Helen smiling.
‘Great that only leaves me to sort out some jewellery,’ said Mary. ‘I wonder if he'll let us pierce his ears?’
‘He hasn’t agreed to anything yet but it's now up to us to talk him into the idea,’ said Jane.
That afternoon Jane and Sue asked Denis to come and help them in the store room above the office, where they could put to him their proposition.
‘Denis, as you know, I'm planning to have my hen night next Friday, and as things stand, you'll be my only workmate who isn't there. I would really like you to come but there's a small problem.’
‘Don’t tell me … I'm the wrong sex!’ he said smiling.
Jane smiled in return.
‘As far as I'm concerned I'd be happy for you to be treated as an honorary woman for the evening, but the club where we're planning to go is open to women only on Friday nights.’
‘Don’t worry Jane,’ he said cheerfully, ‘I won't take it as a personal affront.’
‘Actually, we've been talking to the others, and between us we think that we could do a convincing job in transforming you into a young woman for the evening - if you're agreeable that is. We think that we'll at least do a good enough job to get you in through the front door. Thereafter it'll be up to you to ensure that you're not discovered.’
‘Oh!’ he said somewhat surprised by the proposition. ‘So what will be happening inside the club?’
‘I'll be reserving a table for group of my friends and workmates, and there will be all the usual things that happen during a hen night - drinking, dancing, and a floor show. You don't have to do anything that might attract attention to yourself. Half of those present will know your true sex, anyway so between us we'll be able to keep an eye on you. Your task will be to avoid raising the suspicions of the others.’
He thought for a moment, taking in what she had just said.
‘I've never done anything like that before. I don’t think I'd be able to get away with the deception in front of so many girls.’
‘We think youd be alright as long as you were willing to co-operate with us and do whatever you are told,’ she answered. ‘Between us at work we could do quite a professional job on your appearance and you already have a fairly high-pitched voice. It will be just a question of acting the part.'
He blushed.
‘What would I have to wear?’
‘Helen will find you something quite smart to wear, she's been anxious to give you some clothes for some time.’
He smiled, continuing to think through the implications, and Jane was relieved that he was not rejecting the plan out of hand.
‘If I agreed, when and where would I get changed?’
‘Helen has agreed that we can transform you at work on Friday afternoon,’ said Jane.
‘That's fine, but what about afterwards, there's no way that I could return to my flat in the early hours dressed as a woman?’
Jane hadn't thought through this aspect of her plan. If they were going to do the job of transforming him well then it would inevitably take him some time to change back into Denis afterwards and he'd also probably need some help. They wouldn't be able to come back to the office in the middle of the night. However, Sue now came to the rescue.
‘My flat mate will be going away for the weekend on Friday night. If you like you can come home with me and stay the night, and then we can both come into work first thing on Saturday morning to change you back into Denis.’
‘Wouldn’t it be simpler still if I were to change at your flat?’ he asked.
Sue thought for a moment before answering.
‘No I'm afraid not, we're going to need the facilities at work and the different skills of your colleagues to get you ready. You'll also need to leave Denis’s clothes in your locker. In any event, I'd prefer that my neighbours didn't think I had a young man staying with me overnight.’
‘Alright, but then I will have to traipse through London on Saturday morning wearing a glamorous party-dress,’ he said.
‘Okay then’, said Jane ‘I've an idea. Suppose we ask Helen to loan you two outfits; one suitable for the office, and the other for going out to the hen night. That way we can complete most of your transformation at work, and change you into a typical female office worker. If Sue is agreeable, you would then go home with her taking your party frock and both get ready and arrive at the hen night together. Afterwards you'll stay the night with Sue, changing back into your more sober office outfit on the Saturday morning until you get back to work and then change back into Denis. Would that suit you Sue?’
‘Yes, that would be fine by me, if Denis is agreeable’.
She turned to the subject of their conversation.
‘What do you think about Jane’s plan Denis?’
He hesitated before answering looking for some potential problem, but couldn't think of any reason why it would not work.
‘Please say yes Denis, I'd really like you to come and it would be great fun if we could get away with it,’ said Jane.
Denis thought about it for a while longer, and then smiled.
‘Alright then, I'll give it a go as long as you both promise to stay with me at the club.’
Jane gave him a hug and kissed him on the cheek.
‘Thanks Denis I'm sure you'll look lovely, and you won't need to worry about someone trying to chat you up as it is all girls.’
The three of them went downstairs and after first checking with Helen that he could borrow two outfits, Sue announced the news to the others. Everyone in the office seemed genuinely pleased that he would now be going.
Jane was a natural organiser. She now saw it as her role to co-ordinate all the tasks involved in Denis’s transformation, and was negotiating with her workmates to sort out a schedule for the following Friday. Denis began to wonder what he'd let himself in for as she went through her list with him, but she brushed aside all his questions in a firm but friendly manner, implying that the matter was now settled and it was too late for him to back out. Clearly he would have little time to do any work on Friday, but this was not a problem since he was already owed several days from the previous leave year and so he arranged with Helen that he would treat the whole day as annual leave. Helen took his measurements and the following day came in to work carrying a suitcase containing two complete outfits for him to try on. These were a dark red silk dress which could be worn during the evening, and a dark blue skirt suit with white cotton blouse for travel to and from the office. Each outfit had matching shoes, and also a complete set of underwear. During the lunch break she asked him to try on the dress and the skirt and top in her office in front of herself and Mary. She helped him put them on and zip them up.
‘Have you ever worn a dress or skirt before Denis?’ she asked in a matter-of-fact way.
‘No, never, why should I?’ he answered, blushing a little.
‘No reason, I only wondered as you have a fairly slight figure for a guy and ought to look quite good wearing a dress. However, you'll need to be careful how you move if you're not going to give yourself away.’
He wasn't sure what to make of this comment and so stayed quiet whilst the two of them discussed how he looked.
‘The dress is a little low cut at the front and will show a bit of cleavage, we'll have to be careful how we fix the boobs,’ commented Mary. ‘Also he'll need a little padding around the hips, but otherwise they both seem to fit him fine and the colouring also suits him.’
‘He'll have to shave those legs and armpits,’ said Helen, ‘but with long hair some judicious use of make up, we should be able to turn him into a convincing and attractive young woman.’
Denis stood by feeling slightly bemused, as they discussed his appearance as if he wasn't there.
Once he'd changed back, nothing more was said about Friday’s project for the next two days but Denis was aware that plans were being made, and negotiations entered into, by his workmates. At last as the office was closing on Thursday afternoon, Jane and Sue approached him.
‘Denis, there are a couple of things we'd like to do this evening, so that your body has plenty of time to recover?’ said Sue.
‘What are they?’ he asked a little anxiously.
‘Firstly we have to remove the hair from your arms, legs and armpits, I doubt if you've done it before, would you like us to help you?’
‘Do you mean now?’ he asked.
‘Yes, it'll save us some time tomorrow morning, and it is just in case the depilatory cream makes your skin a little red, there'll be plenty of time for it to recover.’
‘What else?’ he asked.
‘Mary has got you some rather nice earrings for you to wear tomorrow, but we'll need to pierce your ears first. If we do it now and put in some plastic sleepers, then any soreness will have gone by tomorrow’.
‘Is it really necessary to go into such detail?’
‘Absolutely!’ said Jane decisively. ‘Tomorrow evening things must be right in every detail if you're not going to be discovered. So please don’t argue, just go into the shower room and to strip down to your underpants’.
There seemed to be no point in arguing so he did as he was instructed. Sue spread some white cream over those areas where he had unfeminine bodily hair, and he was told to keep still for twenty minutes. Jane then came in with a black felt-tip pen, a broad needle, and some ice cubes. She began by marking a point on each lobe and then proceeded to freeze each one in turn and pierce them. Next she inserted some two tiny plastic tubes in the holes and sprayed on some antiseptic.
‘I doubt if anyone will notice those tonight, and we can replace them with the earrings first thing tomorrow. The holes should heal up once you take out the earrings on Saturday’ she added.
By then Sue was ready to scrape off the cream, taking with it all traces of hair. Eventually Denis showered and his skin felt silky smooth. Once he put on his pants again Sue ran her fingers over his leg inspecting her work.
‘Many girls would love to have those legs Den…,’ she stopped without finishing her sentence. ‘We won’t be able to call you Denis tomorrow, have you thought of a suitable name for yourself?’
He thought for a moment.
‘I suppose the obvious one would be Denise,’ he said. ‘How about Denise Anne? That way I get to keep the same initials and would be able to use my ATM card without attracting any attention.’
‘OK then Denis, make sure that you arrive at work bright and early tomorrow so that we can begin to transform you into Denise.’
He went home from work that evening wondering what adventure the following day would bring.
(Next time - Denis finds that there is more to being a girl than he had previously imagined.)
by Louise Anne Smithson
Chapter 2
‘Welcome to our new colleague Denise’
“You can wear my royal blue cardigan as
well as it goes nicely with your eyes” - Chapter 4
Denis had to admit to himself that he was quite excited by the prospect that was facing him as he arrived at work on 21 May 2004, and was enjoying being the centre of attention by his workmates. As he walked along the street from the tube station he was also conscious of his hairless legs which provided a new and a pleasant sensation for his limbs. Similarly, he was aware of the plastic sleepers in his ear lobes, which no longer hurt his ears. He arrived at the office at his usual time but found all five of his workmates waiting for him.
Jane was scheduled to begin the day’s proceedings and as soon as he had taken off his coat she handed him a pair of knickers and then some elastic control pants.
‘I want you to go to one of the store rooms and get completely undressed and then put them both on’ she said, ‘try and tuck your penis in between your legs if you can so there will be no danger of it showing as a bulge when you put on a skirt.’
‘I’ll do my best,’ he answered, and did so with a little discomfort.
She stood outside the room holding a white satin dressing gown and a pair of furry slippers until he was decent.
‘When you've finished, put these on and come out. If you pass out Denis’s clothes to me I will stow them in your locker for you.’
He did as he was told and emerged feeling a little embarrassed.
‘Don’t look so worried,’ said Jane cheerfully, ‘we'll soon fix you up with a pair of breasts and give you a bra to wear. Thereafter you can be officially regarded as ‘she’ for the remainder of the day.’
After he'd finished he was told to lay on his back on a couch whilst Jane brought out two silicone breast forms and placed each one on his chest. Once they were in the correct position she carefully drew around their outlines with a felt-tipped pen. She took them off and stuck four pieces of sticky tape with Velcro on one side, around each of his nipples. These would carry the weight of the new breasts. Next she spread some medical adhesive just inside the outlines and around the edges of each breast. After a minute or two she carefully placed each breast on to his chest.
‘I want you to hold each one in place for the next five minutes whilst I work round the edges making sure that they're stuck down properly.’
He followed her instructions whilst Jane smoothed down the edges all the way round and carefully disguised all trace of the joins with some skin coloured makeup and so they became virtually invisible.
‘Ok, Denise, I think you can sit up now and let go of them.’
It was the first time that she had been addressed by her new name but did as she was told and her two breasts flopped down tugging her skin with them, but they remained securely affixed to her chest. Jane smiled as she admired her handiwork.
‘Alright then young lady, from now onwards we'll all be calling you Denise rather than Denis and referring to you as she rather than a he.’
Denise blushed but did not argue the matter. She thought it best to let her colleagues get on with their allotted tasks and not to question or argue with them.
‘Your new breasts should be quite secure by now, and they should stay in place even if you have a shower after work. Remember that they're stuck on with a kind of superglue and cannot just be peeled off. You'll need to use a special solvent when you come to take them off, otherwise it'll be quite painful and there's also a chance you will either tear them or your skin.’
What most surprised Denise was that her breasts seemed to have grown as she sat up and had created a cleavage out of the loose skin covering her chest. They also wobbled as she moved around.
‘I think you'd better start wearing a bra from now on, as you're going to need to get used to the added weight in time for this evening.’
Jane showed Denise the right way to put on a bra and how to adjust the straps so that her breasts were both comfortable and yet under control.
‘Next we'll see if we can do anything to improve the shape of your hips and buttocks.’
She proceeded to insert various shaped pieces of foam padding between Denise’s two pairs of knickers, making sure that they looked convincing. When she was satisfied she handed Denise a camisole top to put on, and called for Helen to come in.
'What do you think?' Jane asked the newcomer.
‘She looks pretty good, but let's just check that the dress still fits alright and doesn't give away her false boobs.’
Denise stepped into her party dress and it was zipped up for her by Helen. It seemed to fit perfectly, and from the front it showed off a little or her cleavage, but looked exactly as if they were natural breasts.
'Move around and sit down for a while please Denise to get used to the additional weight of the breasts', suggested Helen.
Denise followed her instructions and after a few minutes Helen and Jane pronounced themselves to be satisfied with her appearance. The dress was taken off and returned to its hanger. Denise felt a little self-conscious dressed only in her bra and knickers and so put on the dressing gown again.
As soon as Jane was finished Mary came in to admire Denise’s new shape and to replace the plastic sleepers in her ears with pearl earrings.
‘I'm putting these in now so you can get used to wearing them,’ she said, ‘there's a pendant and bracelet to match them but you can put them on later on.’
'Ok, go ahead.'
It was a little bit painful as each earring was inserted, and her ears were again sprayed with antiseptic, but the pain soon disappeared and Denise was conscious of them dangling as she moved her head, and quite enjoyed the feeling.
Sarah had previously worked as a hairdresser, and so it was her task to attach extensions to the roots of Denise’s natural blonde hair in such a way that they were indistinguishable from her own hair. These consisted of little swatches of hair bonded to keratin tips. Sarah attached them to tufts of Denise’s own hair by means of a heat sealer, close to her scalp, so that the joins were not visible.
‘These should remain quite secure, but you'll be able to brush the extensions as if they were your own hair, using a special brush that I'll loan you,’ commented Sarah.
'What about taking them out?' she asked.
'You'll need some help for that or you'll make a mess of your hair.'
Fitting the hair extensions was a skilled task which took nearly two hours to complete. Once she'd finished, she washed and trimmed Denise’s hair and put it up in rollers. Whilst Sarah was working on the hair Sue came in and put a face pack on her young friend, and then began to manicure and shape the cuticles of her nails. Once this was done she proceeded to stick on acrylic extensions and hide the joins. Denise was not in a position to see what was going on with her hair and nails, but she could feel as Sue put on several coats of varnish, and proceeded to trim and paint her toenails. After it had been in place for more than an hour, Sue cleaned off the face-pack and proceeded to tidy up her eyebrows.
It was lunch-time before Sue was finished and Sarah had put rollers in her hair, and so they agreed to take a short break to eat sandwiches and drink some tea, but before doing so they covered Denise’s hands in some cotton gloves so that she could not see them, and they also covered the mirror with a sheet.
‘But I wanted to see how I was getting on,’ said Denise.
‘Believe me, you look fine, but I'd rather that you waited until we're finished, and then you can have the full effect all at once,’ said Sue. 'It'll be worth the wait.'
After lunch, once she was sure that Denise's toenails were dry, Sue handed to her a pair of tights and showed her how to put them on without laddering them. This was no easy task for Denise who was still wearing cotton gloves and was not used to the long fingernails underneath, but, with Sue’s help, she eventually managed to do so. She enjoyed the sensation of wearing tights which provided a firm but soft feeling on her smooth legs particularly when she crossed them.
Denise was now called through to a room that was used as a dressing room when they employed models and sat in a chair and was covered by a make-up cape. Once again the mirror had been covered by a dust sheet so that she could see nothing of how she looked. Sarah took out the rollers and then brushed her hair into a style. Sue proceeded to apply the makeup for her friend. Firstly she put on some foundation and blusher, before outlining her lips in dark red with a small brush and using a brighter lipstick for the remainder. She then worked carefully on Denise’s eyes using both eye shadow and liner. Finally she brushed mascara into the lashes.
‘You're lucky to have such lovely long lashes,’ she commented. ‘I'm using quite thick mascara, to build them up and so attract attention to your eyes.’
Sue finished her task with a few dabs of face powder and a squirt of perfume behind each ear.
‘Can we come in and see how things are going yet?’ asked Jane anxious to see how her pet creation was progressing.
‘No, you'll all have to wait a little while whilst I blindfold Denise, and help her put on her dress and shoes and the rest of her jewellery and then you can all have a look at the same time’.
The others agreed, and ten minutes later a blindfolded Denise was standing in front of a full length mirror, and her workmates were permitted to enter the room with their eyes closed and stand behind her. As soon as everyone was in place Denise’s blindfold was removed and simultaneously the others were told by Sue that they could open their eyes. A collective gasp of disbelief went up throughout the room.
‘Denise, you look so lovely,’ said Jane. 'Nobody could ever doubt that you were a woman.'
Her colleagues all signalled their surprise and agreement.
Denise, who had said very little during the course of the day now blushed brightly but also smiled, unable to take her eyes off her image in the mirror.
'What about my voice, won't that give me away?'
Helen shook her head.
'I think that you'll be fine, the pitch of your voice is just right for your new look.'
When at last Denise was able to get used to her new image and drag her eyes from the mirror it took her some time to get used to the variety of new feelings; the earrings dangling from her lobes, her long hair on the back of her neck, or her breasts which gently moved as she did. The next ten minutes were spent admiring every aspect of her appearance and Helen said how impressed she was by the work of her staff. Sue had brought in her digital camera and took a series of photographs of Denise alone and also together with her workmates. All present agreed that she ought to have no problems convincing the club employees that she was a young woman.
‘As long as you take care with how you walk around, and what you say, you should have no difficulty tonight,’ said Sue.
‘I would like to give you a small assignment to perform tonight to demonstrate how convincing you are,’ said Jane.
‘I thought that I was expected to gain entry to the club and remain undiscovered,’ Denise answered.
‘Yes, but once you're inside the club, there's one other task that I'd like you to perform,’ said Jane. ‘If you're successful I will find a suitable reward for you.’
‘What kind of task?’ asked Denise, suspiciously.
‘I'll be introducing you to my sister Samantha tonight, and will tell her you are a newcomer to the office, so she'll have no idea who you are or that you were once called Denis. She's going to be one of my two bridesmaids in a week’s time. I want you to find out from her what colour underwear she'll be wearing at the forthcoming wedding.’
The others all laughed.
‘You can’t expect me to ask that of someone I've never met before,’ said Denise. ‘She will think I am some kind of pervert.’
‘I don’t think so,’ said Jane, ‘but I leave it up to you. If you're able to answer my question correctly when we meet next I promise that I'll give you a nice prize.’
Helen gently reminded her staff that in spite of the interesting events there was still work to do, and so Denise changed out of the dress and put on the skirt and blouse for the remainder of the afternoon. She was amused to discover when she returned to her desk that someone had added an 'e' to her name on the sign.
The list compiled by Jane had ensured that many small details had not been forgotten. Helen had provided her with a coat to wear and a small handbag. Mary had bought her a purse for the evening and Sarah a hairbrush. Sue had purchased various items of makeup that she would need. Jane had even been out and bought her a cheap ladies watch and key-ring with the name Denise on a tag.
‘It is only a small detail but it'll add to the overall effect,’ she said.
Denise therefore transferred her cash and bank card to the purse, which she put in the bag together with the makeup and hair brush. However she found her usual bunch of keys a little too bulky for the ring, and as the bag was now quite full, she left her home keys and the remainder of Denis’s belongings in his locker, and added the locker key to her new ring.
For the next two hours the others did their best to advise Denise about her speech and deportment, they particularly encouraged her to walk in the two inch heels, and showed her how to deal with her hair, but no-one seemed to be worried that she would give herself away.
After work, she carefully packed up her new dress, shoes and a spare set of underclothes in an overnight case loaned by Jane, and set off with Sue to her flat, which was a short bus ride away. It was the first time she'd set foot in public dressed as a woman, and at first she was a little nervous, but quickly gained confidence, and was pleased to see that she received several admiring glances from men. When they arrived at Sue’s flat, Denise was shown where to hang her clothes, and the two young women had some tea together whilst they discussed the arrangements for later that evening.
‘You'll be sleeping on our foldaway bed in the lounge tonight,’ said Sue, ‘I've put out a towel and wash bag and also a pair of my pyjamas for you to wear, but I'm afraid they are a little girlie.’
‘Don't worry,’ commented Denise. ‘I am getting quite used to wearing girlie things.’
‘Just in case we should become separated tonight, here's a spare front door key. All you need to do is to use cold cream to take off your make-up and put yourself to bed. Alison, my flat mate, is away all weekend.’
Denise took the key and carefully added it to her new key ring, but as she did so commented: ‘I've every intention of staying very close to you and Jane tonight, there's no way that I'm going to travel back here on my own.’
‘I would advise you to go to the loo before we leave, and then not drink too much this evening,’ said Sue. ‘In the meanwhile I'm just going to have a quick shower as it is my period. When you've changed your dress, come into my room and I'll show you how to repair your makeup.’
‘Fifteen minutes later Denise knocked on her friend’s door and was invited in. She was surprised and quite pleased to find her friend only partly dressed and apparently quite un-self-conscious about her visitor’.
‘You can help me choose what to wear tonight Denise, which of these tops looks best on me?’
Ten minutes later the two girls sat down together in front of a mirror and Sue gave her friend her first lesson about putting on make-up.
‘I only have time to go through the basics, but I can show you enough for you to be able to check your own makeup during the evening and make any necessary repairs. I’ll show you the remainder another time.’
‘What makes you think there will be another time?’ said Denise.
‘Oh I think you've been enjoying yourself so far today, and if this evening is a success, you're bound to want to try again.’
Denise smiled. ‘Well see’.
By about seven-thirty the two girls were dressed, made up and putting on their coats for the walk to the tube station. As they were about to leave Sue gave her friend a hug, touching her cheek with her own and whispered, ‘Good luck Denise, you look really smashing.’
Denise visibly brightened with pleasure.
‘Thanks so much for all your help,’ she replied. ‘I think I'm going to enjoy myself tonight and I'll try not to let you down.’
(Next time - Denise discovers the answer to one secret but is worried in case her friends give away another one.)
Chapter 3
‘The hen night’
'You can wear my royal blue cardigan as
well as it goes nicely with your eyes' - Chapter 4
Sue had arranged that she and Denise would meet Jane and her sister outside the club and so, once they arrived, there could be no further reference to Denise’s origins in their conversation for the remainder of the evening. Jane cheerfully introduced her sister Samantha to her two friends as they joined the queue to gain entry. She was an attractive twenty-year old, dressed in a short black skirt, but seemed to lack some of her sister’s self confidence. Jane collected up the entry fees from the four of them and went to purchase the tickets which she handed to each of them. As they went through the main door a woman security officer briefly looked at each of them. Denise smiled at her and was relieved to discover that there was no problem about her gaining entry.
Once they were inside they deposited their coats in the cloakroom. Sue took out the large bunch of keys from her coat pocket, but realised there would be no room for them in the tiny handbag she had brought with her. She looked at Denise but found she had the same difficulty.
‘Jane, would you mind looking after these for me for the evening?’
Jane nodded her agreement and took them from her and put them in her own larger handbag. The group walked in to the club and started looking for the other guests. All twelve of the girls had got dressed up and made up for the evening but having spent nearly the whole day having a makeover Denise was aware that she was one of the most glamorous.
‘Denise, I do like that dress, it really suits you,’ said Jane.
Denise smiled and thanked her and returned a similar compliment about her outfit. Jane then started to talk to Sue about arranging the first round of drinks, leaving Denise to talk to Samantha as they walked over to the table that had been booked for their group.
‘Do you know many of the people who will be here this evening?’ she asked.
‘No they're all my sister’s friends and workmates, I'm just here to keep an eye on her and make sure she gets home in one piece.’
‘I suspect I may be doing the same for Sue as I'll be staying in her flat tonight and she seems determined to let her hair down. If you like we can stick together as we're both going to stay sober,’ said Denise.
‘Thanks, that suits me,’ said Samantha smiling, ‘it might be useful to have an ally when it comes to persuading her to go home.’
It struck Denise that as a male Denis would never have had the confidence to make such a proposal to a woman he'd just met.
Jane introduced her sister and her two friends to the remainder of their group. Her friends were a mixed bunch of women in their twenties, a few years older than Denise and Samantha. One or two of them were decidedly butch in appearance and looked a little odd to be wearing skirts. Denise and Samantha sat down whilst Sue went to order a round of drinks. Everyone was asked to contribute twenty pounds to a pot to share the cost of drinks.
The first part of the evening consisted of general good natured chatting, and asking Jane about her plans for her wedding the following weekend and the honeymoon thereafter. One of her friends presented Jane with a bridal veil to wear for the evening which singled her out as the cause of the celebration. The two younger women joined in the festivities and jokes as best they could, but they both felt a little bit on the periphery. Samantha felt a little awkward because she did not really know anybody, and Denise was being ultra careful not to give her secret away. However her various workmates would seek to draw her in to the conversation from time to time. Sue, Jane and most or her friends were determined to enjoy themselves, but it was relatively easy for Denise and Samantha to switch to non-alcoholic drinks after the first round, without it being too obvious.
At one point Sarah got up to go to the ladies, and Denise took the opportunity to go with her.
‘How do you think I'm doing?’ she asked as they walked across the room.
‘You're doing fine my dear. I'd quite forgotten about Denis.’
‘And nobody has been suspicious of me?’
‘Not as far as I know.’
‘How does my hair look?’
‘It looks fine, but you can refresh your lipstick if you like once you've finished your business.’
Denise touched up her lips and eyes whilst she was in the ladies’ and then looked at herself in the large mirror for a few moments. She really did look like a pretty girl, and so returned to her seat with a renewed feeling of confidence. Once the floor show started, Denise felt the pressure to be off for the next hour and she could sit back and enjoy herself, particularly when Jane was invited on to the stage to join the troop of male strippers, and ended the act by undoing the laces on his thong. After the show, Helen, Mary and Sarah made their excuses to Jane and went to leave together. As they did so Helen signalled to Denise that she wanted to have a quick word out of earshot of the others.
‘Denise, you've been superb this evening, and we're all very proud of you. I don't think anyone suspects you,’ said Helen giving her a hug and kissing her on the cheek.
Denise blushed.
‘Many thanks to the three of you, for helping to make it possible. So far I've really enjoyed my day, and I'm glad to have been invited, that is as long as I can get through the next couple of hours without any mishap.’
‘Good luck for the rest of the evening,’ said Mary also kissing her, ‘but watch out for Sue and Jane in case they get any more drunk, they might give you away.’
‘I'll be careful, don’t worry.'
‘Have you completed your allotted task yet?’ said Sarah smiling as she looked across at Samantha.
‘No, I think Jane is expecting a bit much from me there.’
Denise kissed Sarah on the cheek and said goodbye to them, and returned to their table. She found that most of the remainder of the group were on the dance floor, apart from Samantha who was sitting alone. Denise was quite pleased and went and sat next to her.
‘Your boss and workmates all seem very friendly,’ commented Samantha ‘Jane has often said to me how much she enjoys working for Helen’s business’.
‘Yes, it's one of the advantages of working for such a small firm. I've not been there for very long but I was made to feel at home as soon as I arrived,’ Denise replied. ‘By the way what do you do?’
‘I'm a student at London University,’ she replied.
‘What subject are you studying?’
‘English literature, but I'm beginning to wonder whether I would have been better off going out to work for a while first’.
‘What would you like to do?’
‘I wouldn't mind working in the fashion industry like you and Jane, you get to see and try on all the new clothes.’
‘I'm afraid my job is just computerised record keeping, it might just as well be cans of baked beans as dresses,’ said Denise.
‘But you do see all the new fashions. I'm sure that when you have been there a bit longer you'll become more involved. Jane gets to go out and select clothes and she also gets to model them sometimes. With your looks I expect they'll soon ask you to do the same.’
‘That is nice of you to say so, but I don’t think it's very likely and does not feature in my job description.'
Denise sought to change the subject before she faced any awkward questions.
‘Are you helping with the preparations for your sister’s wedding?’ she asked.
Samantha sighed.
‘I offered to help, but every last detail seems to be under control. You would not believe what a "control freak" my sister is. There are lists, schedules, timetables and spreadsheets for every conceivable detail of the day itself and also for the honeymoon. The whole thing is being planned like a military campaign. I only hope the groom obeys his orders and does not bottle out at the last moment.’
Denise smiled, ‘and that he comes up to scratch on the honeymoon?’
‘Oh I suspect Jane has satisfied herself in that respect some time ago,’ laughed Samantha.
‘I know that she likes to be well organised and well prepared. By the way, are you going to be her bridesmaid?’ asked Denise, gently changing the direction of the conversation.
‘Yes, worst luck, together with my cousin.’
‘I bet you don’t really mean that,’ said Denise.
‘I expect I'll enjoy it on the day,’ said Samantha, 'it's just that every last detail has been decided. She's even bought us underwear which has to match the colour of our dresses.'
‘What colour dresses will you be wearing?’
‘Rose pink satin, trimmed with lace and with matching shoes.'
‘And underwear,’ added Denise laughing.
‘Yes, and underwear as well!’
Denise smiled to herself at the revelation and wondered what her prize would be. For a moment she wondered whether she should tell her friends of her success in performing the allotted task, but decided it would be safer to wait until the following week at work.
‘It sounds as if you'll look really nice.’
‘Nice is probably the right word. They look ok from the front but have an awful pink bow behind, which will be a nightmare to tie-up,’ she answered. ‘But I suppose that it's the bridesmaid’s job to look decorous, but without overshadowing the bride.’
‘Your sister won’t allow you to do that,’ said Denise.
‘Have you ever been a bridesmaid, Denise?’
She was caught off guard for a second.
‘Er no, I'd have loved to have been a bridesmaid but I'm an only child and nobody else in the family ever asked me,’ she answered.
‘That’s a pity,’ said Samantha. ‘Had I known you before I'd have been happy for you to take my place, but the dresses have all been made now.’
‘I'm sure you don’t mean that,’ said Denise laughing.
Jane and Sue, who were both now a little tipsy, called out to the two younger women to come and join them on the dance floor. Denise was not happy about the prospect of dancing in such high heels, but was anxious that if she did not join them they might make some comment which would give her away. She therefore agreed, and Samantha joined them. Denise found that with a little practice she could dance reasonably well, but after half an hour her feet began to ache and so she made her excuses to sit down again, and Samantha followed suit.
By midnight most of Jane’s friends had to leave in order to get home. Once they had said their goodbyes, Jane noticed that there was more than twenty pounds still left in the kitty.
‘So who wants another drink?’ she asked.
Sue was on the point of agreeing, but Samantha asserted herself.
‘Jane, I think you've had enough, and remember you have to drive up to Birmingham tomorrow. If you drink any more you'll be horribly sick in the morning. Why don’t we use the remaining money to share a taxi. We can drop off Denise and Sue on the way to our flat.’
‘Yes Jane, I think we've all had enough, but it has been a great evening, and my very best wishes for the wedding next week,’ said Denise.
Jane reluctantly agreed, but decided she first needed to go to the ladies, and was accompanied there by Sue.
‘Aren't you invited to the wedding?’ said Samantha.
‘No, I've not really known Jane for very long. I think that only Sue and Helen will be going from work.’
‘That’s a pity,’ she said, I was looking forward to showing off my pink dress to you,’ said Samantha.
‘The one with the big bow,’ said Denise.
‘The very one.’
‘I expect I’ll see the wedding photographs, so you’ll just have to make sure that someone takes one of your back,’ she replied.
‘Maybe we can have lunch together some time after the wedding?’
Denise was flattered by the invitation, but didn't know what to do. Samantha was clearly keen to prolong their friendship and she did not wish to disappoint her.
‘Alright, I’ll ring you after the wedding. Do you have a mobile number?’
The two girls exchanged telephone numbers, just as Sue and Jane returned from the ladies' toilets, giggling, clearly having shared a joke. Denise had a distinct impression that they had been talking about her. Fortunately Samantha did not seem to notice and at that point decided that she too needed to go to the toilet.
As soon as she was out of earshot Sue said in a tipsy voice, ‘Denise we were just saying what a lovely young woman you make, we'll have to take you out with us more often.’
‘Were you just arranging to go out on a date with my sister?’ said Jane laughing, ‘I hope you won’t keep her in the dark for too long.’
‘Now listen you two, if you give me away now I'll never forgive you, so please will you both sober up and keep quiet,’ said Denise quite sharply.
The warning seemed to have the desired effect, and they stopped laughing. They collected their coats and waited for Samantha, before finding a taxi together.
As she got out of the taxi fifteen minutes later Denise was kissed by both Jane and Samantha.
‘Good luck next week,’ she said to Jane
‘Remember that promise about lunch,’ said Samantha.
‘I will.’
By the time they reached her flat Sue was decidedly drunk. Denise steered her up to her flat and was relieved to remember that she had been given a front door key. She let them both in, took off their coats and sat her friend down in the lounge, whilst she went to make them both a cup of coffee. Five minutes later she returned but found her friend had fallen asleep. Denise therefore helped her to her bedroom, and to get undressed as far as her underclothes. She then helped her friend to remove her jewellery and makeup, before leaving her to sleep in peace.
She walked back into the hall and spent several minutes looking at herself in the full-length mirror, briefly tidying her hair. She both looked and felt good. All in all she felt she had a wonderful time, and enjoyed the whole day. She was also proud that, as far as she was aware, nobody had realised that she was not a woman. Eventually, after about quarter of an hour spent admiring her self and thinking about the evening, she took off her dress, which she put on to a hanger, followed by her shoes and tights and the various pieces of jewellery, all of which she carefully put away in her case. She had difficulty removing the earrings with her long finger nails but eventually managed to do so. She then took a tub of cold cream and proceeded to remove the make up and washed her face. She looked for some nail varnish remover, but could find none, but did not really mind as her nails still looked immaculate. Finally she changed into the pyjamas provided by Sue and got in to her own bed. Without a bra to control them, her breasts felt a little odd, and prevented her from sleeping on her side or on her front. However, they were not uncomfortable once she lay on her back. She was also conscious of the long hair, her long polished nails and her hairless legs. She spent a few minutes savouring the feeling of being a woman before she eventually fell asleep.
(Next time - Denise discovers she has a problem but Sue's flatmate suggests an answer.)
Chapter 4
‘The morning after’
‘How come that I am expected to wear a
dress this afternoon when you are both
wearing trousers?’
Denise awoke with a start the next morning realising that she felt differently from normal. After a second or two she recalled where she was and remembered everything that had happened the previous day. She smiled as she again realised that she had successfully carried off the deception. She sat up and briefly admired her long and polished finger nails and pushed several strands of long hair out of her face, before getting up and looking at herself in the mirror. She was nothing like as glamorous as she had been last night but still looked like a girl, particularly once she had got up, put on Sue’s slippers and brushed her hair. She quietly opened Sue’s door, but her friend was soundly asleep. Denise was relieved to notice that her friend must have woken at some point during the night and changed into a nightdress.
It was now 8.00 am, and with nothing else to do until her friend woke she decided to have a shower and get herself dressed. The wash bag provided by Sue the previous evening contained some shower gel, and also a flowery shower cap. Denise decided not to bother washing her hair as she did not want to damage the extensions before they were taken out. She was also very careful when dealing with her breast forms, but they proved to be waterproof and securely attached. Fifteen minutes later she had dried herself and borrowed some talcum powder that was in the bathroom. She also put on the clean pair of knickers, but this time deciding not to bother with the control briefs and padding since she would be changing back into Denis as soon as Sue woke up and took her into work. Next she managed to navigate her two breasts into the cups of a clean bra and put on the second camisole top provided by Helen. She sat down on the folding bed and carefully put on a brand new pair of tights, again enjoying the sensation of having them next to her legs.
There was no point in her putting on the dress she had been wearing last night, but she did still have the blouse and skirt she had worn in the office during the previous afternoon, which were hanging on the door. She put on these, but settled for the slippers rather than the high-heeled shoes until she needed to go out. She then looked at herself in a full-length mirror and was quite pleased with the effect but decided to try and put on a little makeup. She followed Sue’s instructions and put on some lipstick, eye shadow and eye liner, being careful not to put on too much. She was just brushing some mascara into her lashes when the front door opened. A red headed woman aged about twenty three came in carrying a small suitcase.
‘Hello, I’m Alison, who are you?’ said the newcomer cheerily.
‘I’m Denise. I work with Sue. She let me stay on your folding bed last night.’
Denise felt her heart beating, and wasn't sure whether she would be able to carry off the deception again?
‘Oh yes, I remember she did mention that one of her colleagues would be staying this weekend,’ said Alison. ‘Where is she now?’
‘She’s sill fast asleep in her bedroom. I think she had one or two drinks too many last night.’
‘It won’t be the first time,’ said Alison laughing. ‘On past form I doubt if she will emerge now until midday.’
‘Oh dear, I hope I'm not in the way,’ said Denise. ‘Sue told me that that you were going to be away for the whole weekend.’
‘No problem. It is true I was planning to leave for Paris with my boyfriend first thing this morning, but something came up at his work, and so he has abandoned me now for the weekend. I’ll make sure that he more than makes it up to me next week, otherwise I'll deny him any sex for the next three months.’
Denise couldn’t help liking the rather blunt but very cheerful young woman.
‘Do you have a boyfriend?’ asked Alison.
‘Not at present,’ answered Denise. ‘I've only recently moved to London’.
‘In that case you can come out with me tonight, I’ll soon fix you up with one.’
Denise smiled and blushed.
‘Sorry I can’t, I have to leave as soon as Sue wakes up.’
‘Have you eaten breakfast yet?’ asked Alison.
‘No, I was waiting for Sue.’
‘You'll have to wait a long time, and she will probably only want a cup of coffee when she eventually emerges. Why don’t you get all of your belongings stowed away and fold up the bed. In the meanwhile, I'll make us both some scrambled eggs on toast and a pot of coffee.’
‘Alright then, thank you very much,’ said Denise, who was feeling hungry.
Ten minutes later they were sitting down to breakfast together, with Alison firing off a constant stream of questions, or else giving detailed descriptions of her love life.
‘By the way, how did the hen party go last night?’
‘It was a great success, the bride to be got drunk and made a fool of herself with some male strippers, which was one of the main objects of the evening. She had to be taken home by the bridesmaid,’ said Denise.
‘Sue said to me that you were also planning to smuggle in a lad from your work dressed as a girl, how did that go?’
For a moment Denise wondered if Alison realised who she was and was teasing her, but from her expression it did not seem so.
‘Yes, that was Jonathan. He looked quite convincing, and kept a low profile for most of the evening, and so I don’t think anyone who didn't already know guessed that he was really a man.’
Alison passed on to another topic without comment.
The next two hours passed remarkably quickly for Denise, as Alison clearly did not have much to do and was happy just to sit and chat with her new acquaintance. By the end of that time Denise knew much of Alison’s life history, particularly with respect to her love life. She also had to invent substantial passages of her own background so as not to give herself away. She found the task to be quite exhausting. At last at about 11.30 am Sue emerged from her room wearing a dressing gown and poured herself a mug of coffee.
Alison asked her how she was feeling, and then explained about her last-minute change of plans.
‘I got back here at nine and have just been chatting to Denise ever since.’
Sue turned to her young friend.
‘By the way, Denise, thanks for bringing me home last night and helping me get to bed. I hope that I wasn't too much trouble.'
‘That wasn't a problem’ she answered. ‘Thanks for letting me stay here’.
‘Were you successful in your allotted task last night?’
Denise blushed.
‘Yes I was successful but, if you don’t mind, I’ll tell you about it later,’ she said, anxious to avoid any conversation that might give her away to Alison and hoping that She would get the message.
‘Alright then, I’ll just go and get dressed and we can go into work and change you back into a young man.’
Sue went back into her room oblivious of what she'd just done, whilst Denise’s cheeks turned bright red. She looked up at Alison who was looking quite shocked.
‘Please don’t tell me that you're that bloke we were talking about earlier,’ said Alison in a quiet voice.
‘I'm afraid so. I would rather have changed back last night, but Sue insisted that I could only spend the night here if I were to remain as a woman and so I left my guy clothes at work. That's why I have been so anxious for her to wake up so I can change back again’.
‘But why didn’t you explain to me when I arrived?’ she asked.
‘I'm sorry, I didn't know whether you knew about me or not, or how you might react if you did know. By the time I got to know you it was a bit late to start telling you the truth,’ said Denise.
Alison laughed.
‘You mean that you made up all that guff about when you were a little girl! Well you certainly had me taken in. I'd no idea that you were a bloke. I would never have told you some of those things if I'd thought so. I must say you look and sound the part - how did you manage it?’
‘That was my workmates who all made a contribution to the way I look, I just had to sit back and let it all happen’.
But how did you acquire a female voice?’
Denise, who was already red-cheeked, blushed further.
‘I think I normally talk like this. I wasn't aware that I have done anything special.’
‘Oh I'm sorry’ said Alison, ‘I didn't mean to be rude. Your voice could be taken for either sex, and because you look so much like a woman I just took it for granted, that it wasn't your normal voice’
‘Don’t worry, I realise that I have a high-pitched voice, there have been a few occasions when I've been mistaken for a woman on the telephone. Sometimes I don't ever bother to put the caller right if I don't know them, as it only causes more embarrassment,’ said Denise.
Ten minutes later Sue emerged from her room, fully dressed. She started to go through the pockets of her coat which was hanging in the hall.
‘Denise, do you remember what I did with my keys after we came in last night?’
‘You didn't use your set of keys to get in last night. If you remember you loaned me a spare front door key, so I let us in. I thought you left your keys with Jane for safe keeping’.
‘Oh God yes,’ said Sue, ‘that bunch I gave to her contains my work keys as well as my home keys. I hope they'll be alright. What did you do with your work keys?’
‘I left them in my locker at work as there was no room for them in my handbag,’ said Denise anxiously.
‘Damn!’ said Sue, ‘but don’t worry, I’ll ring Jane and see if we can meet her at work.’
Sue rang Jane’s mobile number, and the two girls exchanged notes for a few minutes about the hen party and how ill they were both feeling. At last Sue raised the topic in hand.
‘Jane, did I give you my keys to look after last night?’
There was a brief pause.
‘Oh that's a relief, can we meet up this morning as I have to help Denise get changed?’
There was another brief pause.
‘Oh! I see! In that case I’ll have to ring one of the others. Will you hang on to them for me until I next see you?’
She turned to Denise.
‘Jane is currently two thirds of the way to Birmingham and won’t be back until late Sunday evening. But don’t worry, I’ll ring Helen’.
The next twenty minutes were spent fruitlessly trying to contact one of their other workmates. It transpired that Helen was also away for the whole weekend, and Mary’s mobile number was no longer current. Sarah commuted in from Reading which was forty miles away, and in any event there was no answer from either her landline or her mobile.
‘Oh God, I'm sorry Denise but I don’t know how we're going to get into work this morning.’
‘I suppose it's also partly my fault, for leaving my keys at work,’ said Denise, ‘but what am I going to do?’
‘I can loan you some jeans and a t-shirt, although they may be a little bit too big for you. I can easily sort out your hair and finger nails as well, but I dare not try to remove those false boobs without the proper solvent, they are quite expensive and I don’t want to damage them. Is there any way you can sneak home unnoticed?’
Denise laughed nervously, ‘I can’t go home wearing these boobs, and in any event there is also the problem of my home keys, my wallet and season ticket.’
‘Don’t panic, I’ll keep trying Sarah’s number and if necessary we will get a train out to Reading this afternoon to borrow her set of keys.’
Denise began to look worried but left them to go to the toilet.
As soon as she was out of earshot, Alison turned to her friend.
‘Sue, did you do this deliberately?’
‘No, absolutely not, I promise you it is just an accident. How was I to know that she had left her keys at work?’ she answered.
‘So what have you got planned for the rest of the weekend?’
‘I was planning to go to the West End this afternoon to buy my outfit for Jane’s wedding next weekend, but now it looks as if I may have to go with Denise to Reading instead,' she answered.
'What about tomorrow?’
‘Nothing really. I was planning to do my washing and ironing’.
‘As you know, I no longer have anything planned, but am always happy to go shopping. Why don’t we invite your friend Denise to stay with us for the rest of the weekend and then you can sort her/him out on Monday morning at work. If she remains as Denise I could loan her something to wear for tomorrow as she's about the same dress size as I am.’
‘That would be fine from my point of view as long as she agrees with your plan,’ said Sue.
‘I get the impression that she's quite enjoying her time as Denise. Why else would she get herself dressed and made up first thing this morning and then spend two hours convincing me she was a woman?’
Denise returned five minutes later and Alison opened the conversation.
‘We've been discussing your small problem. If you like, you would be welcome to stay with us as you are for the remainder of the weekend. Then on Monday morning Sue can take you into work early and change you back into Denis. If you agree we can go out shopping this afternoon to help Sue to choose her outfit for the wedding, and then we could all go clubbing together tonight. I'll loan you something to wear, for tomorrow, and you already have a suitable dress for tonight.’
Denise thought for a while
‘I suppose I could stay here if you'll let me, but there's no way that I'm going out clubbing again. One night was enough for me. I'ld be happy to cook you both dinner this evening and then stay in and watch television whilst you two go out.’
‘I'm afraid I couldn’t face clubbing again tonight either,’ said Sue. ‘I overdid it a little last night.’
‘All right then,’ said Alison, ‘but you aren't allowed to stay in all weekend. It's a condition of my offer that you come with us shopping this afternoon and we also go somewhere nice tomorrow. We'll all stay in tonight and have a nice meal, and decide what we are going to do tomorrow.'
‘Alright but I'll first need to wash out the underclothes I was wearing last night otherwise I’ll have nothing to wear tomorrow,’ said Denise.
‘You can put them in with mine if you like, if we are going out tomorrow I'll have to put a load of delicates in the washing machine before we leave, otherwise I will have nothing to wear next week,’ said Sue.
‘I'll also find you something a little more suitable to wear this afternoon. That blouse and skirt outfit is a little bit formal. It would be fine for the office but not if we're going out shopping this afternoon.’
Half an hour later, Denise had handed over her laundry, and changed into a black cotton dress provided by Alison, with a matching necklace of large black beads.
'You're quite fortunate that you have a slim neck and no trace of any Adam’s apple,’ commented Alison.
'I’d never really thought about it before.'
'You can wear my royal blue cardigan as well as it goes nicely with your eyes.'
‘How come that I'm expected to wear a dress this afternoon when you are both wearing trousers?’ asked Denise.
‘Because you need to be conscious of yourself all the time if you aren't going to give yourself away’, said Sue. ‘Remember you'il be going out in a crowded place in broad daylight. Wearing a dress will be one way of reminding yourself to move and act like a woman.’
Denise did not argue, but did as she was told.
'What about her makeup?' Alison asked Sue.
'She did quite a good job this morning and I don’t think she needs any more makeup on just for this afternoon,' answered Sue. Turning to Denise she said, 'I 'll just tidy your hair and put the earrings back into their holes. If you like, I'll give you another makeup lesson this evening.'
At last by lunch time they were all ready to go out and face the world.
(Next week - Denise enjoys an unplanned weekend, whilst Jane discovers that she now has a problem.)
Chapter 5
‘An unplanned weekend’
‘It is quite natural for someone as
attractive as you to be looked at'.
The three girls caught a tube train to Oxford Circus station and spent the afternoon visiting several department stores in both Oxford Street and Regent Street helping Sue to choose her wedding outfit. Denise was still a little anxious about being out in public in the middle of the day and in the busiest part of London, but her two friends treated her exactly as if she were a young woman. She couldn’t say that nobody in the street took a second look at her, and she did occasionally get the impression that both guys and girls of her age group appeared to be glancing at her, which was something which had never happened to Denis. For a while she wondered whether she was being ‘read’, but both Sue and Alison told her that it was not so.
‘It is quite natural for someone as attractive as you to be looked at; the guys are all imagining whether they would have any chance with you, and the girls are sizing you up as a potential competitor,’ said Alison by way of reassurance.
In spite of what she had told Samantha the previous evening, Denise had an elder sister, but they had never been particularly close and so this was her first experience of going out shopping for clothes accompanied by young women. After much discussion, and trying on several alternatives, Sue eventually bought herself a floral print dress, a white handbag, a matching pair of high-heeled shoes and hat. Alison also decided that her boyfriend should buy her a new dress in compensation for having missed her promised trip to Paris. As she looked through the racks of dresses for herself, she pointed out several items to Denise with the recommendation that they would suit her and that she should try them on. Eventually Denise agreed to try one of them on just to keep her happy. It was dark grey shot silk and looked very nice on her. For a moment she was even tempted to buy it, but ultimately declined to make a purchase since she would have no opportunity to wear it.
Once Sue and Alison had made their respective purchases, Sue suggested they had a cup of tea and a cake in the cafeteria on the top floor.
‘When you are both finished, can we go down to the food hall, I have made a list of everything that I will need for tonight’s meal?’ said Denise.
‘Alright,' said Sue, 'but first of all I am still waiting to hear from you all the details of your having fulfilled the task that Jane set you last night.’
‘Yes I did discover the answer, it is rose pink,’ said Denise. ‘In the event it was not as difficult to find out as I thought it would be — the matter has clearly been subject of some controversy between Jane and her sister.’
‘What is all this about?’ asked Alison.
Denise coloured, and she was feeling a little guilty about having taken in Samantha and also for promising to have lunch with her.
‘Sue can explain to you,’ she said, ‘I need to go to the ladies and to check that my hair and makeup are alright.’
When she returned Alison smiled and said, ‘Sue and I have decided that we would now like you to perform a task for us, whilst we go and buy the food for our meal tonight.’
‘What is that?’
‘First of all give us your shopping list,’ said Sue.
‘Alright, but I insist on paying for tonight’s food and some wine,' said Denise as she handed over the list together with three £10 notes from her purse. ‘Now then, what is that you want me to do?’
Sue took one of the three notes and handed the other two back. ‘Here is £20 donated by the two of us. You are going to need some clean underclothes for tomorrow morning as those in the wash won’t be dry in time. We want you to go to the lingerie department on your own and buy yourself a sexy pair of knickers, and a bra. We will see you back here in forty five minutes to check on what you have bought.’
‘And if your purchases are not sufficiently "girly" we will insist that you take them back and change them,’ added Alison.
Denise smiled, ‘alright then, but how could I buy a bra which is not "girly" enough?’
Denise took the escalator down a floor to find the lingerie department, where there was a huge range of garments on display. She did not really know what to look for except that she was size 32B. At first she felt that she would make her purchase and get out as quickly as possible, but the shop assistants were all engaged with other customers and nobody seemed to take much notice of her. She therefore had plenty of time to look around and began to marvel at the pretty garments that were there in front of her. This was a world of which she knew nothing but one which strangely attracted her and she enjoyed having to make a choice. Eventually she found a matching set of dark blue satin lingerie that would co-ordinate exactly with her party dress. The set included the necessary items together with a suspender belt and a camisole top. It was marked as having been reduced to half price in the sale but still cost £30 and so Denise added a further £10 from her own purse. As she took them to the counter to pay, she also added a pair of light grey stockings that she would be able to wear with the suspender belt. The shop assistant put the items into a bag and then took her money without the slightest trace of recognition that there was anything out of the ordinary about her custom.
‘Thank you madam,’ she said as she handed back the change, Denise smiled in acknowledgment and for some reason felt a warm glow as she returned to her friends.
‘You certainly took your time choosing,’ said Sue, we were about to come looking for you’.
‘Sorry, they were quite busy down there as they were having a sale.’
‘Let's see what you have bought then,’ said Alison keen to inspect her new purchases.
‘I've bought a matching set as they were half price,’ said Denise, blushing a little.
‘Oh these are really nice,’ said Alison smiling and holding them up for Sue to see.
‘Are they "girly" enough?’ asked Denise.
‘Oh yes, I can see that you enjoy wearing sexy lingerie’.
Denise blushed but did not answer.
When they got back to the flat Denise borrowed an apron and set to work preparing an evening meal for all of them, whilst Sue sorted out the washing and hung the items up to dry. Denise was a good cook but did not often have the chance to show off her skills as she lived alone. After they had eaten and completed the washing up Sue and Alison each tried on their new outfits once again. They then invited Denise to change into her new underclothes, including the stockings and suspender. Sue then loaned her friend a housecoat and proceeded to give her a second lesson on putting on makeup, this time letting her do the bulk of it herself and only intervening to rectify any small mistakes. Finally Denise put on her party dress for Alison’s benefit.
‘My goodness you look so beautiful as a woman,’ said Alison, ‘why on earth do you want to change back to being Denis’?
‘Because I don't have the right equipment and there's no way I could spend my life like this.’
'But you have enjoyed yourself so far this weekend,' said Alison.
'Yes, I suppose I have.'
‘In that case at least let us take some photographs of you, in case we want to blackmail you in the future,’ said Alison laughing. She brought out her camera and proceeded to take some photographs of Denise and Sue in various poses.
‘There's one thing that I'd like your advice about,’ said Denise.
‘What's that?’ asked Sue.
Denise told them about her conversation with Samantha, and how they had become quite friendly with one another and at the end of the evening they had exchanged telephone numbers.
‘Whatever will I say when she telephones me in a couple of week’s time. I enjoyed her company and I would hate her to think that I'd just tricked her in some way.’
‘I expect that Jane has already broken the news to her so I doubt if you'll hear from her again, unless of course you chose to ring her yourself.’
‘But what would I say if I did ring?’
‘That rather depends upon whether you want to meet her as Denise or as Denis,’ said Alison.
‘Ideally as Denis - I think - but if I did ever meet her as a man she probably would not fancy me and in any event I'd be too nervous to talk to her.’
‘In that case it'll have to be as Denise,’ said Alison. ‘All you have to do is explain what happened and tell her that you'd like to meet her again, if she's agreeable.’
‘But then I'd have to go through the whole rigmarole of getting dressed again,’ said Denise.
‘Yes, but now we’ve so successfully changed you into a woman once, I can’t see you getting away without doing it again sometime in the future,’ said Sue.
In her flat in Shepherd’s Bush, on the other side of London, Samantha checked the identity of the incoming call on her mobile phone and saw that it was from her sister.
‘Hi Jane! How are things at home?’
‘Sam, something disastrous has happened; Julie has had a car accident and has broken her leg.”
“Oh dear, is she going to be alright?”
“She's in plaster and has a black eye but is otherwise ok. However, she's not even sure she will be able to come to the wedding, let alone be my second bridesmaid’.
‘That’s not very good timing of her,’ Samantha answered. ‘Who will you get to take her place?’
‘That’s just the point, I can’t think of anyone, I have only one sister and Julie is my only cousin who isn't too old, or pregnant.’
'I know that Simon's an only child but does he have any cousins?'
“No all his cousins are much older than he is.”
‘What about asking one of your friends?’
‘To be honest I can’t really think of anyone suitable. Several of my friends don’t approve of marriage, have facial piercings, or else would refuse outright even to wear a dress.
‘How about your friend Sue from work, she'll be coming to the wedding?’ asked Samantha.
‘No, she’s too tall and is at least a size 38 bust; remember the dresses have already been made and it is too late now to get them altered. I can’t think of anybody else who is not either much older than me, far too big, or else a lesbian.’
‘I know, what about that girl I was talking to on Friday night, I think she would be about the same size as Julie, and she told me that she'd always wanted to be a bridesmaid’
‘What girl was that?’
‘The blonde girl from your work. Sue’s friend, Denise! You remember! We shared a taxi home afterwards. She and I were chatting and got on quite well whilst you two were busy getting yourselves drunk. We've agreed to have lunch together sometime’.
‘Oh Sam, didn’t you realise that Denise was really a young man in disguise?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I'm sorry to break the news but we dressed up a lad from the office as a girl so he would not be left out of the hen night. The Denise you were talking to is really called Denis. I even gave him the task of finding out from you what you would be wearing as a bridesmaid without you realising’.
‘In that case I think you're both rotten bastard’s. I was entirely duped by him. There I was thinking that for once I'd made a friend who was genuinely interested in me, when all the time it was just a trick to make me look a fool,’ said Samantha sounding very upset.
Jane apologised profusely and for the rest of that evening felt guilty for the way she had treated her sister. However, her most immediate concern was finding a replacement bridesmaid, and she now began to wonder about one of Samantha’s suggestions.
The following morning Denise was again the first to wake up. This time she lay in bed for some time trying to work out in her own mind what she felt about the last two days. In some respects she felt as if she had been trapped into doing something that she would not have agreed to do, but on reflection she decided that she had also enjoyed the previous two days and there was no reason why she should not do so again today. She therefore got up and showered, put on her new underclothes together with Alison’s dress and the earrings. She put on a little make up and then carefully packed away the remainder of her clothes. Finally she went to the kitchen and began to prepare some breakfast for the others.
Over breakfast, Alison and Sue discussed what they might do with their visitor for the remainder of the day. It was agreed that they could all have lunch in Covent Garden followed by a leisurely walk around the market during the afternoon.
‘Before we go let me show you one or two things you can do with your hair, now that you're to be able to put on your makeup,' said Sue. You never know when it'll come in handy to be able to do it for yourself.’
The remainder of the day was fairly relaxed. Once again Sue and Alison treated their new friend exactly as if she were female and no further reference was made to her background or true sex. They found a pleasant Italian restaurant with outside tables in the Piazza and sat and chatted in the late May sunshine. This time Denise insisted on paying the bill for lunch and brushed aside all protests from her companions. Afterwards, whilst they were looking around one of the homemade jewellery stalls, Alison decided that she would buy her new friend a pair of earrings as a thank you for the lunch and then helped her to put them in. Denise thanked her and looked at herself in the mirror.
‘In that case I'll get you some studs to wear at night,’ said Sue. ‘The holes in your lobes will have healed by now and so it is important for you to keep them open. You'll be able to wear these in bed.’
‘You both seem determined to try and keep me dressing as Denise.’
‘It is up to you what you do and what you wear,’ she answered. 'I'm just trying to give you a few more options.'
Midway through Sunday afternoon, Sue received a call on her mobile phone, and noted that it was from Jane, whom she supposed was still in Birmingham. She took a few steps away from the others so she would not be overheard.
‘Hi Jane!’
‘Sue, I need to get hold of young Denis rather urgently but he's not answering his mobile and nobody at his flat has seen him recently or has any idea where he is. Did he say anything to you about where he might be going after you left him yesterday morning?'
‘No, but if you like I can ask his friend Denise whether she knows anything of his whereabouts, she's standing only a few yards away from me,’ Sue answered smiling.
‘You mean that Denis hasn't yet changed back!’
‘That’s right. It was rather embarrassing but we neither of us had our work keys on Saturday morning and we've been unable to get in touch with anyone who could let us back into the office. Denise has therefore been staying with me and my flatmate for the weekend. She will however be changing back before work tomorrow morning.’
‘That’s brilliant news,’ said Jane, ‘how has she been getting on?’
‘Just the same as on Friday, acting as a young woman seems to come naturally to her.’
‘In that case please will you do a big favour for me and stop her from changing back until after I have spoken to her tomorrow morning? I may be a little late in for work.’
‘I’ll do my best, but she'll need some explanation,’ said Sue. ‘What is it all about?’
‘I promise to explain to you both in the morning, please trust me and do what I say.’
‘Alright then, but I think you'd better talk to her yourself first.’
‘Very well.’
Sue called over to Denise and passed her the receiver telling her it was Jane on the line.
‘Denise you were absolutely wonderful on Friday night, many congratulations. My sister had no idea about you.’
‘Thanks, I was a bit worried at the end that someone might give me away, but her sister took her home in a taxi before she did so,’ she answered laughing.
‘Yes I'm sorry about that, but I was only teasing.’
‘Don’t worry, all was fine in the end and I completed my task successfully. The answer is rose pink.’
Jane laughed. ‘What can I say? Well done! I'll have a prize for you tomorrow, but you must please promise me not to change back until I get into work, I may be half an hour or so late.’
‘I suppose I could wait, if Helen and the others don't mind. I'll have been a woman for two and a half days by then, I doubt if another half hour or so will do me any harm,’ said Denise a little surprised.
‘Thanks Denise, I'm sure the others at work won't mind and you won’t regret it. I look forward to seeing you tomorrow.’
She rang off and Denise passed the receiver back to Sue.
That Sunday evening Sue washed her hair, and then showed Denise how to do the same with hers, and to put it up in Alison’s rollers. The three friends spent some time drinking a couple of bottles of wine and chatting.
‘Thanks for your hospitality this weekend,’ said Denise. ‘It has been very different from how I’d planned to spend my time, but I must admit that I have enjoyed myself.’
‘Good! I promise you that there was no conspiracy to trap you here as a girl for the weekend,’ said Sue ‘but I'm very pleased that things have worked out in the way they have'.
‘Me too!’ said Alison, ‘I'm even pleased that my trip to Paris was postponed.’
(Next week - Denise discovers that she has to make amends for fooling Samantha.)
Chapter 6
‘The Aftermath’
‘OK Denise let me make a quick inspection of your hair and make-up before you leave,’ said Alison.
Denise smiled and allowed herself be scrutinised.
‘That's pretty good my girl, you're clearly a fast learner and have got the idea of what effect you need to achieve using cosmetics.’
‘Thanks for the compliment, but I'm afraid it will all be coming off as soon as I've seen Jane this morning,’ she replied.
‘What a pity after all that effort!’ commented Sue.
‘So when will we be meeting Denise again?’ asked Alison.
‘I don’t know. This last weekend has been a one-off. I'm not likely to be invited to a hen party again in a hurry.’
‘But it would be a shame if we didn't meet again as we've had a lot of fun together. Why don’t you come to stay with us for another weekend sometime?’
‘With me as Denise?’
‘Yes, of course I mean you as Denise.’
Denise shrugged her shoulders.
‘I don’t know Alison, in some respects it would be nice to do it again, but it wouldn't be very practicable. I'll have to think about your invitation,’ she replied.
Alison was about to offer some further persuasion, but Sue was looking at her watch in an obvious way.
‘OK then young lady, you'd better get off to work then, but don’t leave it too long before you come and see us again.’
By the time the pair arrived at the office several of their colleagues were already working at their desks.
‘I wasn’t expecting to see you at work again today Denise, what has happened to Denis?’ asked Helen.
‘He's still locked in that cupboard over there, we couldn't get in over the weekend to let him out,’ she answered, blushing a little.
‘What do you mean?’
Sue explained that it had been her fault, and how Denise had been forced to remain at her flat for the weekend.
‘Well Denise, I hope you've enjoyed your weekend as a young woman,’ said Helen laughing.
‘I've had a good time with Sue and her flatmate,’ she said, continuing to blush, ‘but I'm now looking forward to changing back into Denis this morning just as soon as Jane arrives.’
Sue again explained about Jane’s mysterious phone call the previous day.
‘That's odd, I wasn’t expecting Jane to come into work this week, but she telephoned earlier to say that she is driving down from Birmingham and will not be arriving before 11.00. In that case I think you had better defer your transition to Denis until the lunch break,’ said Helen.
‘Alright then, if my colleagues don’t object’ answered Denise.
‘Of course they won’t object. You look very smart dressed as you are and in any event the creation of Denise was our joint office project,’ said Sue.
‘I don’t mind whether it is Denis or Denise as long as your work gets done’, added Helen.
‘Alright then,’ answered Denise, 'I’ll wait for Jane. By the way Helen, I've brought back the party dress and shoes that you loaned to me on Friday. I'll get them cleaned, together with the ones I am wearing and let you have them back.’
‘The clothes were not intended to be a loan, they're yours to keep, you never know but they may come in useful to you some time,’ said Helen.
‘Thanks but I don’t think I'll have any further use for them.’
‘In that case you can either give them away or else keep them in your locker, just in case. All your workmates have received similar gifts of clothes as bonuses from time to time and there's no reason why you shouldn't do so,' added Helen and left them to get on with her own work.
Jane eventually arrived at 11.30 together with her sister. They came in to the office carrying a pink bridesmaid’s dress in a cellophane cover and a white shoe box. Jane first went over to Sue’s cubicle and handed over her set of keys and they exchanged a few words. Next she went into Helen’s office taking the clothes that she and her sister had been carrying. Denise saw them talking together through the office window, and wondered at what point her presence would be required. She did not notice that Samantha had made her way over to her desk.
‘Good morning Denise, it's nice to see you again,’ she said in a friendly tone which betrayed no evidence that she had now been let in to her secret.
‘Hi Samantha, I assume you got Jane home ok on Friday evening,’ said Denise feeling slightly embarrassed.
‘Yes, we were fine thanks.’
She still gave no indication of knowing the truth about her.
Denise thought to herself, ‘so that’s why Jane wanted me to stay as Denise, she still does not want her sister to know about me.’
‘By the way, I enjoyed our chat on Friday evening,’ continued Samantha.
‘Me too,’ answered Denise, now feeling a little awkward.
‘So you meant what you said about our having lunch together some time?’ said Samantha.
‘Yes of course,’ answered Denise, not knowing what else to say.
She was now feeling alarmed and wondering how long she might be able to keep up the deception. However, before Samantha could say any more, Jane had called them both over to join her in Helen’s office.
‘My sister confirms that she was entirely taken-in by you on Friday night, and as a reward for discovering about her baby pink knickers we're going to give you the opportunity of trying on one of my bridesmaid’s dresses,’ she announced to Denise.
Denise found the situation a little odd, but before she could answer she found that Jane and her sister were helping her to take off the suit and blouse.
'I'm afraid you'll have to take off the camisole and change your bra as well, as the dress is a strapless one,' said Jane handing her a white replacement bra.
‘I thought the underwear was supposed to be pink,’ said Denise trying to make light of what was happening to her.
‘Oh that can wait until the big day — we're just here to see whether the dress and shoes fit you,’ said Jane in a matter of fact way.
Denise felt a little embarrassed to be topless in front of her colleagues and was glad once she was covered up once more. Jane and Samantha then helped her step into the new dress, zipped it up and tied the bow. Finally they instructed her to put on a matching pair of shoes with 4 inch heels.
‘What's all this about?’ asked Denise.
Her question was ignored, as Jane, Samantha, Helen and Sue all stood back and examined her.
‘Are her false boobs visible?’ asked Jane.
‘No, I think they are probably alright,’ replied Samantha.
‘The dress might have been made just for her and it also suits her colouring, but how will she get on wearing those high heels?’ said Helen.
‘With difficulty, I've already tried wearing mine,’ said Samantha, ‘but she'd have a week to practice’.
By this time the word about Jane’s arrival had got round the office and the other employees had crammed in to Helen’s office to admire the dress.
‘Will someone please explain to me what this is all about!’ said Denise.
‘Alright then, the real prize for doing so well last Friday is that you get to stand in as my second bridesmaid on Saturday,’ said Jane.
‘I beg your pardon?’ said Denise not sure that she heard correctly.
‘I'm afraid that I'm going to need your services as Denise once again next weekend, since my cousin has just broken her leg and you're the only suitable replacement I can think of.’
‘I'm sorry Jane, but there's absolutely no way that I'm going to act as a bridesmaid at your wedding,’ said Denise vehemently. ‘You'll have to find someone else.’
‘But it is now too late for me to find anyone else who is the right size. You're absolutely right and you look so lovely wearing that dress,’ said Jane.
‘Forget it! I agreed to allow you and Sue dress me up for one evening only, and already I've been conned into spending the whole of the weekend as a girl. Now you're expecting me to do the same thing again next weekend.’
‘Your decision to spend last weekend dressed as a girl had nothing to do with me,’ said Jane.
‘I know but it wasn’t my fault either,’ answered Denise.
‘On Friday you told me that you'd always wanted to be a bridesmaid, otherwise I'd have never suggested your name to Jane,’ said Samantha.
‘But that was only an act, to gain your confidence,’ said Denise.
‘So everything you said to me on Friday was all a part of an elaborate hoax.’
Denise blushed, and didn't respond immediately.
‘I'm sorry Samantha; I did enjoy chatting to you. But if I agreed with this idea I would be so frightened of giving myself away and spoiling your sister’s wedding.’
‘But you were fine on Friday night; nobody had any idea about you. Why shouldn't you be just as convincing again next Saturday?’ said Sue, joining the conversation.
‘I wouldn’t even ask you unless I was confident that you wouldn't be recognised,’ added Jane.
‘There's quite a difference between pretending to be a woman in front of a group of tipsy girls for a few hours one evening, compared with having to be on display in front of all your friends and family for an entire day. In any event, I'm not used to wearing such high-heels and would be bound to trip over as you walked down the aisle.’
‘Come on now Denise,’ said Sue, ‘you managed to convince my flatmate that you were a girl and nobody suspected you when we went out shopping in Oxford Street or had lunch at Covent Garden market on Sunday. With a little more practice wearing high heels, no-one will ever know. Also, your hair and make up for the wedding would be done professionally.’
‘In fact you could continue to keep the hair extensions and my breast formes and spend the rest of this week getting some more practice. I’ll loan you some of my clothes to wear at work,’ said Jane.
‘We can also help to train you with your speech and deportment, there are just a few minor things I have noticed,’ said Mary.
‘I'll be there to show you exactly what to do on the day,’ said Samantha.
‘Sue and I will also keep an eye on you at the reception,’ said Helen.
Denise sighed. Everyone seemed to be in favour of the idea except her.
‘Jane, I would like to help but you must understand there would be some insuperable logistical problems. For example, if I were to remain as Denise I have only two sets of clothes, one of which is a party dress. In any event, I would not be able to return to my flat dressed as a woman each night.’
‘That's not a problem’ she answered smiling, clearly having thought about the matter beforehand. ‘My bedroom in the flat that I share with Samantha will be empty from tonight onwards, as I'll be staying at my father’s house in Birmingham until the wedding. You could stay there for the next week and so you won't need to go back to your flat. Samantha and I have already sorted out some of my clothes for you to wear during that time.’
‘You have masses of annual leave owing to you and so you could take a few days off to get yourself prepared,’ said Helen.
Denise seemed to be bombarded with helpful suggestions from her colleagues which were difficult to counter.
‘I don’t know Jane, you're asking rather a lot of me,’ said Denise still unconvinced, but less adamantly against the idea than before.
Samantha now joined in again, this time speaking quite forcefully
‘Look Denise, I was the one who suggested to Jane that you would be a suitable replacement as a bridesmaid, and it was only then that she told me the truth about your little project on Friday night. I was really upset by the way that you both had tricked me, but at least it showed me that you would make a convincing stand in. Although I was annoyed with Jane, I have forgiven her and want everything to go well next Saturday. If you were clever enough to fool me last Friday then you won't easily give yourself away. So if you want to redeem yourself in my eyes and retain my friendship you will agree to help us out, otherwise I'll assume that you're just a coward.’
Denise blushed again and looked abashed.
‘Oh Denise please help me out here,’ said Jane in more pleading tones. ‘This is going to be the most important day of my life and I'm so busy with the preparations for the wedding that I simply don't have time to find another bridesmaid. If you will agree to do this for me I can leave you in Samantha’s capable hands and worry about other things.’
Denise sighed
‘Are you sure that there's no-one else who would be suitable?’ she asked.
‘Believe me, we've both racked our brains and can think of nobody else,’ answered Jane.
‘If I were to agree to your plan, then who, exactly, will know about my true identity?’
‘Only those who really need to know will be told. I won't even tell the groom or his parents, or the best man, or even my father, and as you know my mother is dead,’ said Jane. ‘We will probably have to explain the situation to the hair stylist, though, and also to my cousin John, as he will be escorting you at the reception, but I promise you he will be alright about it’.
Samantha nodded in agreement.
‘I must be absolutely insane,’ said Denise ‘but I'll do my best to help you. However, don’t blame me if something disastrous happens at the wedding’.
‘Oh you're lovely girl.’ said Jane hugging and kissing her. ‘I promise that I won't forget this’.
‘Neither will I,’ answered Denise, still unsure as to what she'd just let herself be talked into.
Samantha also smiled and gave her a hug, ‘I think it is going to be good fun as bridesmaids together,’ she added.
There was a collective sigh of relief among all the workmates and Denise again received their congratulations. For the first time she took a good look at herself in the pink dress, and had to admit that she did look rather nice.
After she had changed back into her office clothes Denise joined Jane and her sister for an early lunch where they finalised the arrangements before the bride to be drove back to Birmingham. It was agreed that Denise would continue at work until Wednesday afternoon, and during this time she would stay with Samantha who had finished her last exam the previous Friday and had plenty of free time over the next week whilst she awaited her results. Denise would take the coming Thursday and Friday as annual leave to get ready for the wedding, and the two bridesmaids would travel to Birmingham together and stay in Jane’s father’s house until the day after the wedding. Denise would then return to London and the much delayed transition back to Denis would take place with Sue’s help on the Sunday afternoon.
After lunch Denise telephoned her landlady, Mrs Clarke, who lived in the same house. She spoke as if she were Denis and explained that he had had to travel to Scotland for his work and would not be home for the rest of the week. However, before leaving, he had left his room keys and a cheque to cover his next month’s rent, with a colleague who would be travelling up the following day. His colleague Samantha would therefore call in during the afternoon to pay his rent and to collect a few personal items. He would therefore be grateful if she would show her to his room. The landlady agreed and Denise drew up some directions and a list of items for Samantha to collect.
When she got back to work after lunch Denise found that Helen had found her a pair of shoes with 4 1/2 inch heels to wear.
‘If you wear these around the office for the next few days, you will find that the 4 inch heels will give you no problems at the wedding,’ she said.
Denise had to admit to herself that they did make her legs look better.
‘Alright, as long as it is only around the office and I'm not expected to go home in them tonight,’ she replied.
Samantha called on Mrs Clarke, as arranged, and returned to the office at five o’clock. Denise then changed into some more practical shoes and accompanied her new friend home. Upon arrival Samantha showed her Jane’s bedroom and showed her the clothes, cosmetics and jewellery they'd chosen for her to wear over the next few days.
‘I also have a very feminine nightdress which I've never worn, which you are welcome to use,’ said Samantha.
‘I suppose I may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb,’ answered Denise wearily.
‘It is more a question of immersing yourself in the relevant detail so that you're less likely to give yourself away accidentally,’ she said.
‘Yes, alright then, I suppose it's better to go over the top with girlie clothes than to be unmasked at the wedding.’
‘Exactly, so why don’t we both get changed and then we can prepare a meal together,’ she said. ‘Now that I know your secret there are lots of questions I'd like to ask and we can get to know one another a little better’.
‘I should like that,’ said Denise. ‘But I also need to apologise for not being completely honest with you on Friday evening. I enjoyed talking to you and afterwards felt rather guilty about it, but I wasn't deliberately trying to trick you or make you look foolish’.
‘Yes I now realise that. But don’t worry, if you help us out next weekend then I promise that all will be forgiven,’ she replied.
‘If I'd been dressed as Denis when we were introduced, I would probably have been too shy to talk to you.’
‘In that case I'm glad that I was introduced to Denise,” she answered smiling.
That evening Denise told the story of her transition and of the previous weekend and answered questions about her own background as a young man.
‘So you had never thought about dressing as a woman before last week?’
‘No,' she replied decisively.
‘That's odd because you seem to fit in to the role so well. When Jane told me that you were really a man I assumed that you must be a transsexual who had been living as a woman for some time and was planning to undergo a sex change operation.’
‘Nothing so drastic has ever crossed my mind’.
‘Maybe you should give it some thought once the wedding is over,’ added Samantha with tongue in cheek.
Denise blushed but did not answer, so Samantha changed the topic of conversation.
‘OK, I now know all I need or want to about Denis. From this point onwards until after the wedding there must be no more reference to anyone except an attractive young lady called Denise.’
'Alright then.'
Chapter 7
‘Preparations for a wedding’
Samantha accompanied her into central London on the tube on the Tuesday morning, as she had to go into the University, but thereafter Denise made the journeys on her own and quickly gained in self-confidence when she was in public. In the evenings she chatted to Samantha who went through all the arrangements in detail and the two of them started to prepare a beauty regime so they would look their best for the coming weekend.
On Wednesday morning she received a formal invitation from Jane’s father, to his daughter’s wedding on 29th May 2004, which included a handwritten note from him thanking her for stepping in at the last moment. During her lunch break she put on her medium heels and ventured out shopping on her own. She went to a local store to buy Jane and her new husband a cut-glass vase as a wedding present. To buy a nice one and have it suitably gift wrapped cost her more than she had originally intended to pay, but she shrugged and thought that her workmates had all been equally generous to her over the last week.
As she was about to leave work on Wednesday evening her colleagues joined her to have a glass of wine and to wish her good luck for the coming Saturday.
‘It is Jane who is the bride not me,’ protested Denise.
‘Yes but we've already wished her well last week,’ said Sarah.
‘I just hope that I don't let Jane down by giving myself away,’ she answered.
‘Don’t worry you'll be fine,’ said Mary. 'You have gained a lot in poise and confidence over the last two days,'
‘Good luck Denise, I'm sure you'll make a lovely and most convincing bridesmaid and I'm looking forward to taking some photographs of you to show the others next week,’ said Sue.
That night Denise and Samantha packed their suitcases ready for their journey the next day, before sitting down together for a final discussion.
‘Once we've attended the rehearsal tomorrow night I think we should be well enough prepared,’ said Samantha. ‘How are you feeling about the prospect of being a bridesmaid?’
‘I'll be really glad when Saturday is finished, but I must admit I've enjoyed these last three days staying with you.
‘Good! I'm equally pleased to have had you stay,’ she replied and kissed her on the cheek.
Samantha and Denise left the flat the following morning just before nine o'clock and made their way by tube train across London to Euston station. They were each carrying a small cabin bag containing two changes of clothes. It was a warm and sunny day and so Denise was wearing a cream and pink printed georgette dress with a three quarter length skirt, together with a shell-pink knitted cardigan and pink high-heeled sandals for the journey. They had ten minutes to spare at the station and so before boarding they each bought a fashion magazine to read on the train. Fortunately the ten o’clock train was not particularly busy and they had no difficulty in finding a table to themselves where they could chat together without being overheard.
They were going to be met at Birmingham New Street Station by Jane and her fiancé, who had also offered to take them to lunch before driving them out to her father’s house on the Hagley Road. This would be the first occasion that Denise had met Simon and indeed the first close contact she’d had with any man whilst dressed as a woman. Inevitably she was a little nervous by the prospect and quietly expressed her feelings to her companion during the journey.
‘You don't need to worry about Simon, he's pretty overawed by the wedding and will be pre-occupied with the arrangements,’ said Samantha. 'Peter, the best man, might be a different problem as he rather fancies himself as a lady’s man. I've reluctantly agreed to sit next to him at the reception. You'll be sitting with my cousin John who is quite nice but also a little shy. The others on your table are all middle-aged or elderly.’
‘Won’t your cousin object to being stuck with me at the reception?’
‘I shouldn’t think so. Prior to last week he would have been sitting next to his bossy sister - the one who has broken her leg. You may have to initiate some of the conversation, though. Jane and I will explain your situation to him tonight so you needn't worry that he'll try and get off with you.’
‘Well that's a relief,’ said Denise, ‘but I'll still feel rather awkward when I meet him.’
‘All you need to do is act as Denise. In fact that is the only thing to remember for the next three days. Just forget that Denis ever existed and concentrate on being Denise until after the wedding.’
‘I was under the impression I'd been doing that for the last week.’
Samantha smiled. ‘Yes and you've been brilliant so far, so just keep it going until Saturday evening.’
‘All right, but I'm truly looking forward to Sunday morning,’ she answered.
Jane and Simon were waiting at the station forecourt as promised. Simon kissed Samantha on the cheek, whilst Jane seemed genuinely delighted to see Denise and hugged and kissed her.
‘That outfit looks nice on you Denise, I've not seen you wear it before,’ she said smiling, knowing that it was one of her own that she had left in the flat.
‘Thanks,’ said Denise, ‘actually it was loaned to me by a friend’.
‘Let me introduce you to my fiancée, Simon!’ she said.
Denise shook hands, and asked him how he was coping with all the arrangements, whilst the two sisters exchanged kisses. Simon seemed to be a straightforward young man, if a little reserved, and said very little. He did not appear to notice that Denise was wearing one of his fiancée’s dresses. However, Jane possessed a very large wardrobe, the product of a rich father and of having worked in the fashion industry for three years, and so she had probably not worn that outfit for over a year.
Their lunch was fairly matter-of-fact affair in a local pub. Jane went through various last minute arrangements with her two bridesmaids and gave them details about the rehearsal that evening.
‘After lunch we'll drop you at home and then see you again at the rehearsal tonight. Daddy will drive you there. Once the rehearsal is over it's important that Simon and I don't see one another again until the wedding, which is at three o’clock on Saturday. We three have various things scheduled for tomorrow morning including a trip to the hairdresser and a manicure in the afternoon. Also I've a friend who works in a beauty parlour; she'll be coming round to the house on Saturday morning to help us with our makeup’.
‘Where will I be staying?’ asked Denise.
‘In the spare room at our father’s house. That way we can all help one another to get ready on Saturday morning.’
Simon seemed to be a little bored with talk of makeup and hairdressers and so excused himself to go to the toilets. As soon as he was out of earshot, Jane turned to her sister: ‘You and I will have to visit John tomorrow evening to explain about Denise’.
‘Yes, but I'm sure he won't mind, especially once he's met her.’
Jane then turned to Denise and said:
‘I've been phoning my sister at home and Sue at work each day, and understand that you've been getting on very well over the last few days.’
‘I've been doing my best, Jane. I'm getting used to wearing high heels and makeup, and I don’t think anyone saw through me on the train this morning. I'm still rather nervous about this wedding, but I guess I'll cope.’
‘You can’t be any more nervous about it than I am,’ said Jane.
‘OK that's the last time anyone discusses nerves,’ said Samantha. ‘Jane, you seem to have everything under control, and we're both here to help you have a wonderful day. Denise, you're just a normal bridesmaid, the same as hundreds of others throughout the country who will be taking part in weddings this coming Saturday.’
‘Yes of course. I am actually looking forward to it. As I told you last week I have always wanted to be a bridesmaid ever since I was a little girl,’ she answered smiling.
Simon returned to the table and the conversation turned to other things.
After they finished lunch Simon and Jane drove them to her father’s house, and then left them as they had to carry out other last-minute tasks. There was nobody in when they arrived and so Samantha showed her friend around the house and to her room. It was a spacious and nicely decorated house, now occupied only by the father. The family clearly had plenty of money. Jane and Samantha retained their own bedrooms, each with well-stocked wardrobes, despite the fact that they both now lived in London. Even the guest room was luxurious with both a double bed, and an en-suite bathroom.
‘You’ll find that Jane has already hung your bridesmaid’s clothes in the wardrobe, and the underwear for the day is in the drawer. On the dressing table you'll find the lipstick foundation and eye shadow that she wants us to use,’ said Samantha.
‘You're right, she has got every last detail under control,’ said Denise.
‘The bathroom should be stocked with most things you need, but if you need any other cosmetics or indeed any extra clothes, feel free to borrow them from my room next door.’
Denise thanked her.
‘I’ll leave you now for a couple of hours, but if you like you can give me a hand getting dinner ready for dad. He should be home about five thirty, and we need to leave for the rehearsal by seven.’
Denise emptied her suitcase, putting her own clothes in the wardrobe and cosmetics on the dressing table. She took out the long pink bridesmaid’s dress and shoes to inspect them again before taking a leisurely shower. By the time she had done so, got dressed again and sorted out her hair and makeup it was almost time to help Samantha.
Jane and Samantha’s father proved to be an undistinguished looking grey-haired man in his early fifties. He had been a widower for the last five years. However, he was polite and welcoming to Denise and did not seem in any way suspicious of her. He asked about her background, and thanked her for standing in for his niece at such short notice.
As soon as they finished dinner he drove the bridesmaids to the wedding rehearsal, where they again met Jane and Simon together with his friend Peter, who was to be the best man. Jane introduced Peter to Denise but her first impressions of him were not very favourable since he seemed to be undressing her with his eyes. She was relieved that it would be Samantha rather than her who would have to deal with him at the reception. She also met the clergyman who would officiate, but he was preoccupied with the arrangements and did not pay a lot of attention to the second bridesmaid. In fact nobody seemed to treat her any differently from Samantha and so gradually she gained more confidence.
After the rehearsal the groom and the best man went for a drink together, and Jane and her sister briefly went to visit their cousin John to explain why he would accompanying a young man at the reception. The two sisters thought it might be better if they spoke to John without her present in the first instance. They therefore arranged for her father to drive her home. In the car she did her best to strike up conversation, asking about the arrangements for the wedding. He was rather reserved but was clearly very proud of his two daughters.
‘I must say that I was rather relieved when I met you this evening Denise,’ he said.
‘Oh! Why was that?’
‘Jane is lovely, but she also has some rather strange friends with studs through their tongues and eyebrows and who wear dungarees or boiler suits all the time. It was a relief to see that she has chosen somebody who was so feminine to be her bridesmaid.’
Denise laughed.
‘Thank you, that is very nice of you to say so. I just hope everything goes well for Jane and Simon on Saturday’.
‘So do I,’ he replied. ‘Since I lost their mother, both my daughters have become very important to me. I should hate for anything to spoil Jane’s special day.’
Denise blushed and smiled, but made no answer. ‘I can only do my best’ she thought to herself.
As this conversation was taking place, Jane was explaining to her cousin why he would be sitting next to a man wearing a dress. He was astounded by the revelation but once he was shown one or two photographs of Denise he was less worried and agreed to help in any way he could.
‘Honestly John, no-one would never know that Denise was not a woman if they did not already know,’ said Samantha.
‘In that case why are you bothering to tell me?’
‘We need you to look after her and act as if you were her boyfriend so that nobody else tries to get too friendly with her,’ said Jane.
‘We thought it only fair to warn you just in case you fancied your chances,’ said Samantha laughing.
He shrugged. ‘Ah well, I suppose I will be no worse off than having to escort my sister, but it will be rather embarrassing for me if it becomes common knowledge that she is really a bloke’.
‘Believe me, that is something that would be embarrassing for all four of us,’ said Jane, ‘so that is why we are trying to prevent it from happening.’
Denise again wore a summer dress and fixed her own makeup on the Friday morning and was congratulated on her appearance by the sisters over breakfast. Jane had to leave at about ten o’clock to finalise numbers and deliver place cards and a seating plan for the reception, to the caterers.
‘Before I go you two, do you both know how to get in and out of a car when you are wearing a long dress and high heels?’ asked Jane.
‘I can't say that I have ever tried', said Denise.’
‘In that case we'd better have a practice session this morning, as I would hate for anyone to fall over and spoil their dress. Denise I'll find you a pair of my heels to practice in, but you will have to imagine you are wearing a long dress.’
The three of them spent twenty minutes practising getting in and out of Jane’s father’s car which was parked in the drive. Once they were satisfied that there would be no accidents, Jane left them and Denise and Samantha went to the florist to confirm details about the delivery of their bouquets and the button-holes to be worn by the men on Saturday morning. They all met together for a coffee at 11.00 before their appointment with a manicurist.
‘As far as I'm aware that is everything done now apart from getting our nails done,’ said Jane. ‘We have a block booking so they can deal with the three of us at the same time.
‘My nails were only done a week ago’ said Denise, ‘won’t it be a waste of money for me to go?’
‘My goodness! Have you only been Denise for a week, it seems like much longer. But don’t worry about the money, Daddy will be paying. He invested some money to pay for our weddings soon after we were born, and the shares have done rather well. In any event, the salon will make a far better job of applying your nail varnish than we could possibly do,’ she replied.
‘What if my nails get chipped in the meanwhile?’
‘They won’t if you are careful, they will apply an extra hard coating that should protect them.’
‘That means it will be a devil of a job to remove afterwards,’ said Samantha
‘Will you explain to the manicurist about me?’ asked Denise.
‘I already have done so,’ said Jane, ‘but don’t worry she's cool about it and won’t give away your secret.’
They entered the nearby salon at the appointed time and Jane was greeted by the owner, who briefly enquired about the wedding preparations.
‘Which of these two ladies is Denise?’ she asked.
‘Can’t you tell?’ said Jane.
‘It's difficult to do so, they both look like attractive young ladies’
She carefully inspected their hands before making the correct decision.
‘Men usually have a slightly longer ring finger than their index finger and with women it is the other way round. In Denise’s case both fingers are the same length. However we can easily disguise that by extending one nail and leaving the other a little shorter.’
Ninety minutes later the three emerged from the salon with immaculate finger and toe nails.
‘Jane, why did you bother with our toe nails when they won’t be visible tomorrow?’ asked Denise.
‘I want to look good on the beach on my honeymoon, and for you two it is all about getting all the details right. You'll have more confidence that way,’ she replied.
After lunch the three were booked into a hair salon. Once again, because of the intimate nature of the proceedings, those involved had to be told about Denise’s origins, but surprisingly they were not as astounded as might have been expected. Diane, the owner of the salon simply shrugged her shoulders.
‘You're not the first guy we have had to deal with in this way, and I doubt if you'll be the last. You are at least sufficiently convincing for us to be able to deal with you in the salon during our normal opening hours without turning any heads,’ she said.
Whilst Jane and Samantha were each having a trim and their hair was being styled, the assistant assigned to Denise checked that the extensions were still firmly affixed, and in one case took out the original and replaced it. Her hair was then washed and put into rollers, before drying and styling. The whole process took a couple of hours.
‘Tomorrow at nine o’clock we need to come back to have our hair lifted into a style for the wedding,’ said Jane.
They had promised themselves an early night, and the three spent the evening in Jane’s bedroom initially removing all traces of hair from their arms, armpits and legs and also wearing face packs. As they did so, they went through the last details of the timetable and plans for the next day. Eventually, when they were all clean and ready for bed, Jane handed over a little brown jewellery case to Samantha and Denise. Inside each one was a pair of pearl drop earrings and a matching pendant.
‘These are gifts from Simon, for you to wear tomorrow, and for you to retain as a keepsake’
They thanked her on behalf of her fiancée and gave her a hug.
‘Good luck for tomorrow and for the future,’ said Denise.
(Next week - Denise’s triumph and disappointment)
by Louise Anne Smithson
Chapter 8
‘The Wedding’
All the arrangements for the wedding day had been well-planned in advance and verified over the last few days and so the morning could be devoted to getting Jane and her two bridesmaids ready for the ceremony. Her father had been given a few last minute tasks to perform, deliberately, to keep him out of the way. The three girls had nothing more to do than to ensure that they were immaculately dressed and made up ready for the ceremony in the afternoon. Thus the three of them were up, bathed and dressed in their everyday clothes by 8.00 am and were waiting outside the hairdresser when it opened an hour later. Jane had booked the first three appointments for their hair to be pinned up into an elaborate style for the wedding. As they left, their hair looked flawless. They returned to find a young assistant from a local beauty salon had arrived to help Jane with her makeup.
‘Alright Denise, we now have about two hours to get ourselves dressed and then we can help Jane put on her dress. I suggest we help one another get ready. As soon as you've changed into your new underclothes you should bring everything you need into my room as it is larger than yours,’ said Samantha.
Denise did as she was told and the two of them spent much of the rest of the morning helping one another with their makeup and jewellery given to them the previous evening. Samantha carefully changed Denise’s earrings for her.
‘How are your ears feeling?’
‘They're still a little sore, especially when you inserted the new jewellery but I've been cleaning the holes each morning and evening with saline and so far they've not become infected.’
At about midday the bridesmaids called in on Jane and her helper and it was agreed everyone might stop for a sandwich and a cup of coffee before putting on their dresses.
Half an hour later, Denise and Samantha were both fully dressed, made up and ready, having spent time getting each other’s bows to look just right. They then went to help Jane put on her wedding dress and veil. At last she too was ready.
‘Oh Jane! You look so lovely,’ said Denise.
‘Thank you. You both look pretty good yourselves,’ she replied.
‘But it's the bride who always outshines every one else on her wedding day — you look quite perfect,’ said Samantha.
Jane blushed, but looked truly happy.
Samantha left the room to call their father who was ready and waiting downstairs with the chauffeur of the limousine, and his nephew. After staying to hear his reaction to seeing his daughter, Samantha took Denise downstairs to meet her cousin John who was going to drive them to the church. He was aged in his mid twenties, of average height, with a slightly retiring manner but a friendly face.
‘Hi John, I'd like you to meet our stand-in bridesmaid, Denise. You'll be sitting with her at the reception tonight.’
The look of surprise and admiration on his face was quite obvious.
‘Hello Denise, I'm really pleased to meet you. I must say that you and Samantha look really gorgeous in those dresses.’
She smiled, shook his hand and thanked him for the compliment, but before there was time for any more conversation Jane appeared together with her father and everyone’s attention was concerned with her and sorting out the wedding bouquets for the bride and her bridesmaids. Denise was pleased that she was no longer the centre of attraction.
At last they all got into the two cars with Denise and Samantha travelling in the back of John’s car, followed by Jane and her father in the limousine. As pre-arranged, they arrived at the church first. Denise was quite gratified that John came to her side to help her out of the car, and passed her bouquet. He then went round to the other side to help his cousin to get out. A few minutes later the limousine arrived with the bride and her father and the group assembled at the entrance to the church. Samantha and Denise made some last minute corrections to Jane’s dress and veil and checked her makeup. Her father then gave a signal and the organ began to play and the group began to walk down the aisle with the two bridesmaids following the bride and her father, to meet the groom who was standing with his best man. Denise, who had been frightened of tripping over ever since she put on her shoes that morning, took great care how she walked. She noticed that Helen and Sue were in the congregation, with the latter taking photographs with her digital camera. As soon as the bride has passed them Helen turned her attention to herself and smiled encouragingly. Denise lowered her eyes and coloured slightly but felt good.
All went well with the service and there were no slip ups by anyone during the ceremony. Afterwards the party went outside so that innumerable photographs could be taken of the young couple, with and without the bridesmaids and other attendants, and then with each of the guests. Thus it was half an hour before Denise was able to go over and talk to her workmates.
‘Well done Denise! You were brilliant,’ said Helen ‘no-one could possibly guess about you.’
‘Be careful not to speak too soon, there's still the reception to get through,’ answered Denise smiling, ‘but so far so good. But doesn’t Jane look beautiful?’
‘Yes of course,’ said Helen ‘she's really glowing’,
‘But so do you and Samantha,’ said Sue. ‘I've got some lovely digital photos to show everyone at work.’
‘Thank you. May I have a copy of some of the pictures you are taking?’
‘Of course, I've already promised to download them on to a disk for Helen tomorrow morning. I'll do one for you at the same time. By the way, are you still intending to change back into Denis tomorrow?’ said Sue.
‘Yes, I can't put it off any longer, and, yes, I'll need you to help me get changed at work tomorrow afternoon.’
‘Alright, after all I did promise to do so last week,' said Sue.
'By the way, how are you getting back to London tomorrow?’ asked Helen.
‘By train I suppose. I'll be travelling on my own as Samantha will be staying in Birmingham for a few days with her father.’
‘Sue and I came up in my car. We're staying in a local bed and breakfast tonight. Why don’t we give you a lift back?’
‘Thank you. That'll be a great help. What time are you planning to leave?’ asked Denise.
‘We'll pick you up at Jane’s house at ten o’clock tomorrow,’ said Helen.
‘In that case you both could have lunch at my flat and we could have a look at the photographs before we change you back? Alison will be there as well,’ added Sue.
‘I'm afraid I can’t stay, but I'd be happy to drop you both off,’ said Helen.
‘I’ll come for lunch as long as you promise to help me get changed afterwards,’ said Denise.
Denise joined in the fun when Jane tossed her bouquet among her friends and bridesmaids, but she did not try too hard to catch it, lest in doing so, she should fall over. Sue caught it and was congratulated by the bride. It was the first opportunity she had to exchange a few words with her friend and after complimenting her on her dress, enquiring about the honeymoon and offering her best wishes for the future, she turned the conversation towards the younger of her two bridesmaids who was chatting to a young man.
‘So much for the ugly duckling,’ commented Sue.
‘Yes, over the last ten days she's turned into a very fine swan indeed,’ answered Jane.
An hour later the wedding party re-assembled at a local hotel for the reception. Once again Denise and Samantha were required to carry out various small tasks on behalf of the bride to ensure that she always looked her best, before being excused to circulate among the guests.
‘Denise, I didn't get the chance to thank you for the vase as we were opening the presents. It was lovely, and there was really no need for such an expensive present, you’ve helped me enough, and in any event you already contributed to the present from work,’ said Jane.
‘That contribution was from Denis, the vase was from me, Denise,’ she answered.
Jane kissed her on the cheek.
‘Alright then, but you'd better go and get yourself a glass of champagne and take your place with the guests.'
Denise was introduced to various family members and John came over to introduce her to his sister Julie, who was on crutches with her leg in plaster.
‘I was sorry to hear about your accident and that you were unable to be Jane’s bridesmaid,’ said Denise.
‘So was I,’ she answered. ‘But don’t you worry, you've made an excellent stand-in and John will have a far better time escorting you this evening than he would have done with me.’
They continued to chat for a few minutes before the guests were invited to toast the bride and groom and then take their seats. John offered her his arm and together they found their places.
Somewhat to her surprise, Denise really enjoyed the wedding reception. She found herself seated between John and an elderly male relative, who was also fun to be with, and she found herself joining in the general conversation — something that Denis rarely did. John was attentive, and treated her exactly as if she were a woman. During the best man’s speech she was even given a special acknowledgment and compliment for stepping in at short notice. As soon as the meal and the various speeches were over, some of the younger guests began to dance.
‘Would you like to join them?’ asked John shyly.
Denise shook her head but was pleased to be asked.
‘Thanks for the offer, but I'm afraid I wouldn't dare to dance in these shoes, I'd be bound to fall over and I'd be frightened that my boobs might pop out of this dress.’
John said he did not mind and so they continued chatting in a friendly manner for a few more minutes until Jane and Simon, and Samantha and Peter came over.
‘Sorry John but I'd like to borrow my bridesmaid for a little while, but you can have a drink with Simon and Peter whilst I go to get changed.‘
John concurred and Denise followed the two sisters up to a hotel bedroom that had been booked for the purpose.
‘Before we get changed, may I just say how much I appreciate your help this weekend Denise, you've been absolutely wonderful,’ she said kissing her on the cheek.
‘It's true, you've been really brilliant, and you are now quite forgiven for last week,’ added Samantha who also gave her a hug.
Denise both smiled and blushed.
‘Thank you. I'm really pleased to have been able to help. Now that the ceremony is over I can honestly say that I'm glad that you bullied me into being your bridesmaid. I've had a lovely time with you and Samantha over the last week,’ she answered.
‘Samantha and I have chosen this outfit for you as a "thank you" present for stepping in at the last moment, and so you've something to change into,’ said Jane pointing to an attractive blue dress with a matching pair of low-heeled shoes and a set of underwear which had been laid out on the bed.
Denise felt genuinely surprised.
‘My goodness, thank you so much, you didn't need to buy me anything. In fact I'm collecting quite a wardrobe of female clothing, and I'm not sure when I'll be able to wear them next.’
‘Don’t worry the cost of clothes have come out of my father’s allowance for the wedding. If nothing else, you'll need to wear something nice when you travel back to London tomorrow,’ said Samantha. ‘I suggest that you leave the clothes you've borrowed from Jane in your bedroom. I'll arrange for them to be washed and returned to her.’
‘The bridesmaid’s outfits are also yours to keep, of course,’ added Jane, ‘they were also bought courtesy of my father. Now will you two give me a hand to take off this wedding dress and unpin my hair?’ said Jane.
Denise did as she was asked and helped her friend put on a black silk dress, whilst Samantha took the pins out of her hair and restyled it.
‘How about you Denise?’ asked Jane. ‘Would you like to change as well?’ asked Jane.
‘Oh yes please. It's been good fun to wear this dress and these shoes but my feet are now aching, and besides I'd now like to join the dancing.’
Her two friends helped her to change, and then she helped Samantha do so.
‘If either of you would like a little privacy with your respective escorts, then you're welcome to borrow this room until midnight, but don’t mess up the bed,’ said Jane.
‘There's no way that I'm going anywhere out of public sight with Peter,’ said Samantha, ‘but Denise you seemed to be getting on alright with John.’
Denise blushed.
‘Maybe, but I'm not sure that we'll want to go anywhere private,’ she replied.
‘Here, take the spare key card, just in case, it's at your disposal for the next three hours,’ said Jane.
‘One other thing,’ said Samantha. ‘Do you prefer apple, banana or vanilla?’
‘Apple, I suppose,’ answered Denise. ‘But why do you ask?’
‘There you are.’
Samantha handed her a fruit flavoured condom.
‘It's just in case you get lucky with my cousin.’
Denise blushed again, this time deeply, but she also took the offering and put in her handbag. The three of them then went down to join the young men.
Jane and Sue and their partners drifted off into the crowd leaving Denise and John together once again.
‘See, I've now changed my dress just so that I can dance with you, if you still want to do so,’ she said smiling.
‘Thank you, I'm flattered,’ he said getting up.
For the first time since she had dressed as a woman Denise felt truly confident in herself, in her appearance and everything felt just right. She danced well in her new clothes, far better than John. They remained on the floor for about an hour before he suggested that they should go for a walk on the lawn outside the hotel. As they did so he put his arm round her shoulders.
‘I thought you were supposed to be the shy cousin,’ said Denise.
‘I am normally, but I've really enjoyed meeting you today and I suppose that has given me courage.’
He turned to her and kissed her on the lips. It caught her by surprise. For a moment she was tempted to pull away, but then gave way to a long lingering kiss. As she did so she felt the shape of his hard penis in his trousers and suddenly her bubble burst.
‘Look, you do know all about me don’t you?’ she said worried that there might be some great misunderstanding.
‘Yes, Jane and Samantha have told me the whole story. I was anxious at first, but now that I've met you I can only say that I wish you really were a woman, and I could ask you out’.
‘Thank you for saying that, I too have enjoyed meeting you today. It has been a brilliant climax to a great week. At this moment I share the same wish as you but I have to remember that I'm not a woman, and however I may feel about you now, I'll probably feel differently tomorrow — there are just too many practical difficulties involved.’
He looked truly downcast.
‘Can’t we at least kiss one another goodnight?’
‘I guess that'll be alright this once,’ she answered.
Fifteen minutes later the couple returned to the dance looking slightly dishevelled to be met by some knowing looks from Sue and Samantha.
Soon after midnight the party broke up. The newly married couple went up to their bedroom as they were due to leave for their honeymoon early the next morning. Denise and Samantha and their partners said goodbye and wished them well. The bridesmaids were then given a lift home in Samantha’s father’s car. Just over an hour later, after her father had gone to bed, Samantha knocked quietly on Denise’s bedroom door.
‘Hello, who's there?’
‘It’s me, are you in bed yet Denise?’
Denise opened the door.
‘I was just cleaning off my makeup. I've been getting everything ready for tomorrow morning.’
‘Can I come in and ask you something?’
‘Yes of course.’
‘I just wondered what happened when you and John went to the garden together.’
Denise gave an account of their conversation.
‘And did he kiss you?’
Denise blushed, but also nodded.
‘Yes, several times. He had been so nice that I wanted to give him something to remember the evening.’
‘How did you feel about it?’
‘I think I liked it, but I'm not sure. I feel too confused about myself to know what I want.’
‘Anything else happened?’
‘No, I thought about the condom that you gave me, but I couldn't bring myself to use it.’
‘That's a pity. Will you be seeing him again?’
‘He offered to drive to London and take me out but I said no as I've to change back into Denis tomorrow.’
Samantha looked disappointed.
‘You know you don’t have to change back tomorrow; you could continue to stay at Shepherd’s Bush for the next fortnight whilst Jane is on her honeymoon, and I'm sure they would not mind at your work. That way you could see John again.’
‘You won’t be there for the first week, and I've already arranged to meet Sue tomorrow to get changed back. In any event my life is just too complicated at present as it is.’
‘That’s a pity, I got the impression that he really liked you, and also, if you were going out with my cousin, it would also mean we could stay as friends.’
‘Won’t you be able to stay friends with me as Denis?’ asked Denise a little surprised.
Samantha shook her head.
‘Sorry, but no, I've only ever known you as Denise. I've enjoyed your company over the last week, and we've become intimate as girl friends. I'd find it too upsetting to meet you again if you were dressed as a man. I wouldn't know how to react.’ A tear appeared in the corner of Samantha’s eye.
‘Oh, I see’ said Denise in a subdued voice. ‘But I've left some of my clothes still at your flat.’
‘You're most welcome to collect them at any time you want, and also to stay with me, so long as you do so dressed as Denise.’
‘But Samantha, I have to change back into Denis tomorrow afternoon, and it'll inevitably take some time to arrange things so that I can be Denise again’
‘In that case you won’t be needing those clothes for a while. If you haven’t been able to collect them in the meanwhile, I'll arrange for Jane to bring them into work for you one day when she gets back from her honeymoon.’
‘But can’t we even keep in touch by email or on the phone?’
‘Yes of course we can, so long as it is understood that I'm keeping in touch with my girlfriend Denise and not a young man called Denis, whom I've never met, and have no intention of meeting. Believe me, I really hope that you can find some way that we can meet again after tomorrow, but I insist we only do so as girl friends.’
‘I’ll try and think of some way that we can do so.’
(Next time - Denise feels that she must now revert to living as a young man, but can things ever be quite the same again?)
Book 2 Chapter 1
‘Denis’s return’
‘Those pictures are brilliant,’ said Helen, ‘there are hardly any that are not of a professional standard. You always seem to take excellent pictures, whereas mine are never any good.’
‘Thanks for the compliment,’ said Sue, ‘I did delete a few duds as I went along, but I've always enjoyed taking photos of people and I believe I'm quite good at it. In fact I even went on a course in portrait photography a couple of years ago.’
‘Would you be able to take some fashion pictures for me, for a catalogue of our stock?’
‘Yes I'm sure I could do that, as long as I had access to the right facilities and equipment. What exactly do you have in mind?
‘Many of our competitors have transferred their catalogues to the World Wide Web and it is high time we did the same, and also introduced a system of ordering via the Internet. We are now four years in to the twenty-first century, after all. Denis suggested the idea to me some time ago and has developed a template for a new Web site and electronic ordering system. I've recently been seeking to arrange a bank loan to enable us to mount our catalogue, but it would only be financially viable if we were to do it in-house. I think we could easily create a studio in one of the store rooms and also use the garden for outdoor shots. I couldn't afford to pay an established photographer or employ professional photographic models but I wonder whether you and Jane would be willing to help out again in return for a bonus.’
‘I'd be interested in the plan, have you spoken to Jane?’
‘Not yet, but I'm sure she would, as she has helped me out in the past.’
‘When would you want us to start?’ asked Sue
‘Jane is on her honeymoon until the 14th June, I was intending to have a talk to her when she returns. Perhaps you could investigate what would be needed in terms of equipment for me in the meanwhile.’
‘You'll need to invest in some decent cameras, some second-hand lighting equipment and also some photo editing software if we are going to do it properly. I'll give the matter some further thought over the next few days and give you a costing.’
Over breakfast their conversation turned to the previous day’s wedding and the supporting role played by one of their colleagues.
‘Young Denis looked and acted brilliantly, I'm sure no-one will have guessed his true sex,’ said Helen.
‘Yes, I agree’ replied Sue, ‘but please be careful what you say when we go round to Jane’s house later, and make sure that you still refer to her as Denise. Jane never told her father as she did not want to worry him.’
‘So it'll be Denise rather than Denis that we take back to London this morning.”
‘I believe so.’
‘Do you think she'll have made much of an effort with her appearance now it is no longer required?’
Sue thought for a moment then smiled.
‘I suspect that Denise will look immaculate and very feminine this morning, wearing a dress, with perfect make-up, and not a hair out of place,’ she said.
‘What makes you so sure?’ said Helen.
‘I believe our young colleague has been enjoying her week of living and working as Denise. Denis’s having to remain as a woman last weekend was partly my fault, but he put up hardly any opposition when we suggested the idea in the first place and she didn't put up that much of struggle when Jane wanted her to be her bridesmaid. Denise appears to enjoy wearing girly clothes and makeup. She also seems to be more self-confident and gregarious at work than Denis used to be. I suspect she'll want to make the most of the little time she has left as a woman.’
‘Yes there's no doubt that she enjoyed herself at Sue's hen-night last weekend; that is why I told her to keep those two outfits. But at the same time, when we spoke yesterday she was quite determined that she would change back this afternoon.’
‘I suspect our young colleague feels ambivalent as to what to do. Now there's no longer any excuse for staying as Denise, Denis feels he ought to revert to normal. In any event, he'll need to return to his flat, but that doesn't mean that he does not secretly hope that there might be another opportunity to spend some more time as Denise in the future.’
‘Perhaps we could think of an excuse for him to change back again at work some time?’ said Helen.
‘No one else is planning to get married in the immediate future, but there's always your proposal to put photographs of the stock on to the web. You'll need more than one model if you're going to include every item of clothing you stock as Jane won't look equally good in every colour scheme. The rest of your employees are too old for such a job, so you might consider using Denise as a model as well as Jane. We already know she looks good and that she and Jane take the same dress size?’
‘Would Denise be suitable as a model?’
‘I believe so. You've already seen some photographs of her as a bridesmaid, she presents as a very photogenic young lady.’
‘But would Denis agree to spend time working as Denise? It might involve several weeks of work.’
‘I've no idea. The main problem seems to be his accommodation during the week. He'd have to get things sorted out at his home so he doesn't have to keep changing back into Denis every evening, or else find somewhere else to live. You'd need to put a proposition to him and see if he'd be interested’.
‘Before I make any promises, I would want to try him, or rather her, out in the role first,’ said Helen, ‘but I'll be happy to consider your suggestion. In fact, if you're right with your prediction about Denise’s appearance this morning, I'll make arrangements to give her a trial as well, as soon as Jane returns from her honeymoon.
A couple of miles away Samantha knocked on Denise’s bedroom door and was invited in. Denise was wearing the dark blue lingerie set and the silver stockings that she had bought for herself the previous weekend, and was just putting on the dress she had been given the previous night.
‘Breakfast will soon be ready downstairs. Dad is cooking it for us. I must say you look very smart again this morning, I'm glad you've made an effort with your makeup’
‘Thanks, I wanted to look my best as this is my last day as Denise’.
Samantha looked a little awkward, thinking about their conversation of the previous night.
‘I hope it won't be your last day as Denise, and that it won't be too long before I see you again,’ said Samantha.
‘Thanks. I too hope we can meet again, but I understand why you don't want to meet me as Denis.’
Samantha didn't reply. So in order to change the tone of the conversation, Denise added:
‘Do you think the high heels that Helen gave me last week go with the dress that you gave me last night? I want to look smart again when my colleagues come to pick me up.’
‘They look fine together, but we bought you the flat heels to give your feet a break on the journey home.’
‘I know, but I think the high heels make my legs look nicer,’ replied her friend as she turned to admire her own legs in a full-length mirror
Samantha smiled.
‘You’re right, they do look better, but you may want to take a pair of my slippers in your bag to slip on during the car journey.’
‘Alright, thank you I'll do that’
‘Would you like me to pin up your hair again the way they styled it yesterday?’ asked Samantha.
‘Oh yes please, if we've time before Helen and Sue come to collect me.’
‘I think so, as long as we're fairly quick over our breakfast.’
Just over an hour later an immaculately dressed Denise put her case in the boot of Helen’s car and gracefully sat in the back seat taking with her a bunch of flowers given to her by Samantha’s father. Sue and Helen exchanged meaningful glances as she did so.
‘That's a nice dress, Denise,’ said Helen as they started the journey. ‘Are you borrowing it from Jane?’
‘No, it was a thank-you present from the bride and her sister for stepping in at the last moment,’ said Denise, as if it were nothing out of the ordinary.
‘Who did your hair and makeup this morning?’ asked Sue.
‘I put on my own makeup, but I have to admit that Jane’s sister helped me put up my hair,’ she answered.
‘You both appear to have done a good job,’ said Helen.
‘Jane’s sister seemed rather sad this morning,’ commented Sue.
‘Yes, I suppose after all the excitement and fuss of the last couple of weeks she's suddenly realised that she's lost her former housemate and confidante,’ answered Denise.
The journey back to London seemed to pass quickly. It was taken up in discussing the wedding and reflecting on Denise’s experiences over the last week.
‘So have you enjoyed your week living as a woman?’ asked Helen.
‘Oh yes! It's been great fun. At least I can say that now that the wedding is over. There have been a few times I was afraid that I might be discovered, but I've been gradually growing in confidence’.
‘Are you going to become Denise again sometime?’ she asked.
Denise thought for a moment before answering.
‘I hope so, but next time it will have to be for a shorter time. Denise has already had a couple of invitations to stay with friends, but I can’t keep relying on others to put me up. Maybe I should invest in a wig and some false finger nails so next time I can change back into Denis before going home at night’.
‘The trouble with that is that they won't be as convincing as the hair and nail extensions you are currently wearing,’ said Sue.
‘Yes but I can foresee difficulties with my landlady if I were ever to return home dressed like this.’
‘Surely it is none of her business what you choose to wear,’ commented Sue.
'Perhaps, but it is not just my landlady, there are also two other lodgers living in the same house,' she replied.
Helen dropped her two colleagues at Sue’s flat in Camden Town, and they collected their respective cases from the boot of her car. After saying goodbye to Sue, she turned to Denise.
‘I assume that I'll be seeing you as Denis at work tomorrow, but I hope we can also meet Denise again a sometime.’
Denise smiled and thanked her, and the two girls picked up their luggage and went up to the flat where Alison had been preparing them lunch.
‘Wow, just look at you Denise’ said Alison smiling as the latter entered the kitchen. ‘You look even better than you did last weekend’.
‘That’s because I've had my hair styled professionally, and also I've had an extra week to practice being a girl,’ she answered, giving her friend a kiss on the cheek.
‘I thought that last weekend was supposed to be a one-off.’
‘It was, but I didn't know then that I was going to be kidnapped and forced into bondage as a bridesmaid,’ she replied smiling.
‘Yes, I've been hearing all about your adventures from Sue over the last week. How did the wedding go?’
‘I think it went pretty well, the bride looked radiant, the groom did as he was told and nobody seemed to take any notice of me,’ said Denise.
‘The first two points are true, but Denise made quite an impact, particularly with respect to one of the male guests, said Sue. 'I've got plenty of photographs to show you later.’
‘Lunch will be in about ten minutes,’ said Alison.
‘In that case I'll put these flowers into a vase on the table if you have one, as I don’t want to take them home to my flat tonight’ said Denise.
‘Yes of course we do, and I’ll show you how to arrange them properly,’ said Sue.
After lunch, the three of them sat down at a computer monitor, looking at the photographs, and then Sue made a copy of them on a CD for her friend. After about thirty minutes Denise reminded her that they now needed to go into their work so that she could at last get changed.
‘Denise you looked so gorgeous in those pictures, surely you don’t want to waste that fabulous hairdo by changing back into a man?’ said Alison with some distaste.
‘Why is everyone so interested in keeping me dressed as a woman?’ said Denise laughing.
‘Because you make such an attractive one,’ said Alison ‘with your looks you could have a lot of fun and so you might consider living as Denise full-time’
‘That’s all very well to say,’ she answered blushing, ‘but if I did so where would I live? How would I spend my time after work?’
‘I'm sure you could explain to your housemates and your landlady about Denise,’ said Sue smiling, ‘they might even prefer having her around rather than Denis.
‘Thanks for your suggestion,’ said Denise, ‘but I think I'll stick to my original plans’.
‘What about that guy at the wedding reception, you seemed to be getting on ok with him?’ said Sue. ‘I saw the two of you come in from the garden both looking guilty’.
Denise blushed, but also dismissed any idea of a continuing relationship, and re-iterated her determination to change back into Denis that afternoon, and so the others reluctantly let the idea drop. Soon afterwards Sue accompanied her to their workplace.
Thus, after nearly ten days of living as Denise, Denis once again returned to his normal self. It was a slow and painful transition: the breast forms were both stuck fast and required a good deal of solvent.
‘I think Jane rather went over the top in sticking these down,’ commented Sue, ‘but in the circumstances it was probably worth the effort’.
Once they were both removed, Sue carefully placed them in a bag to await Jane’s return. The hair extensions were also carefully removed and left in Denis’s locker for use again if necessary, and the nails trimmed. It took some effort to remove all traces of lipstick and eye-makeup both of which appeared to be indelible. Finally, he put on the jeans, t-shirt, and shoes that he had worn in to work nine days earlier.
‘What are we going to do about your earlobes?’ asked Sue.
‘Take out the earrings please.’
‘If we do so the holes will close up.’
‘But I can’t go home wearing pearl drop earrings.’
‘I could always put in those studs that I bought last Sunday, lots of guys wear them these days.’
‘I don’t know Sue, they would still attract attention.’
‘Alternatively I've some clear plastic retainers that will be virtually invisible, but will keep the holes open until next time you want to use them.’
‘Alright then as long as they're not obvious.’
The process of turning Denise back into Denis had taken about three hours to complete and even then he still retained the shaped eyebrows. Eventually, at about six o’clock, the two of them went out to have a coffee and a cake.
‘This is the first time I've worn trousers in more than a week. It does feel a little strange to be dressed as a man again,’ he commented.
‘I'm afraid your face still looks a little bit girlish, but you should be alright as long as no one looks at you too closely,’ said Sue. ‘Do you have any masculine looking dark glasses?’
‘Thanks a lot,’ said Denis a little ruefully. ‘I'll look most odd wearing dark glasses indoors.’
‘You'll also have to be careful with your mannerisms and gestures,’ she added. ‘Between us we did quite a successful job with your body language, and you'll have to get used to acting like a man once again.’
‘The girls will understand at work, but I'll need to keep out of everyone’s way at home for the next few days,’ said Denis
‘Will that be a problem?’
‘I don’t think so. I've already paid my rent to my landlady for the next month and so I'm unlikely to see much of her. Sometimes the girl in the flat next door calls in to complain to me about her boyfriend. I think she assumes that I'm gay as I work for a company selling dresses.’
‘I guess you'll quickly get used to being Denis again, after all it didn't take you very long to get used to being a woman,’ said Sue. ‘By the way, what are you planning to do with Denise’s clothes?’
‘One outfit is still at Jane’s flat. I'll leave another one here in my locker and take the clothes that I've been wearing and the bridesmaid’s dress home. I'll also take home and wash all the underclothes’
‘Yes you'll want to have them clean and ready for the next time that you need to use them,’ said Sue half jokingly.
‘Perhaps,’ said Denis, ‘but first of all I will need a week or two to think about things.’
By the time Denis returned to his bedsit it was midway through the evening, and so he was able to go straight to his room without attracting any attention. He carefully unpacked the case and hung the two dresses in the back of his wardrobe, put the high-heeled shoes in the back of his cupboard and the various cosmetics in one of his drawers. He then looked at himself in front of his wardrobe mirror and tried to work out what he was feeling. Without question one part of him was relieved that the adventure was now all over and he was back as his normal self without having been discovered. Although there were still a few visible traces of his time as Denise, they could be disguised and would soon be gone. On the other hand, another larger part of him was feeling rather flat and let down, and would miss the close friendships he had made over the previous week. So perhaps he would not mind too much if there should be another opportunity for him to become Denise.
(Next time - Denis feels isolated at work but has a conversation with one of his housemates which affects both of their lives
Book 2 Chapter 2
‘Angela’
‘She changed back into a young man yesterday afternoon, I tried to talk her out of it but I'm afraid she insisted. So we'll have to revert to using the male pronoun when discussing our colleague. Helen has given him permission to arrive an hour late and work through his lunch hour. I understand that there are a number of financial transactions that he needs to make, which would have been impossible for him to complete last week given his altered appearance.’
‘It's a pity that we have lost Denise, after all my efforts with the hair extensions. She looked lovely in those photographs and also fitted in well at work. I'll miss working with her.’
The others agreed.
‘Yes, I also believe that Denise enjoyed herself over the last ten days and that Denis will find that he misses her as well,’ said Sue.
‘In that case we'll have to look out for a reason to encourage him to resurrect her some time,’ suggested Mary.
‘I do have a plan which could result in us seeing some more of Denise, but would rather not discuss it yet, in case our colleague gets to hear. Can I suggest that we leave further references to the future of Denise until Jane gets back from her honeymoon,’ said Helen.
By the time Denis arrived at work most of the questions about Jane’s wedding had been answered, and Sue had already shown off her photographs. Nevertheless, he did receive a few brief congratulations from his workmates regarding his role in the proceedings. But things soon settled down and the rest of the day was spent catching up with the work he had missed whilst he'd been away. It was not until it was time to leave that he realised that the day had seemed strangely flat when compared with the excitement of the previous week.
Monday evening was spent catching up with various overdue cleaning jobs at home, but he had time to reflect upon the events of the previous ten days which increasingly seemed like a strange dream. For once in his life he had been the centre of attention, and had enjoyed being so, despite his fears and protestations. He had got to know better several of his colleagues and their friends. Above all he regretted the loss of Samantha’s company, she was the closest to him in age, and he'd felt that a bond had grown up between them — or at least between her and Denise. He realised that she'd probably been indulged as a child and liked to have her own way, but he also felt that she had probably grown up in her sister’s shadow, and without a mother during those difficult teenage years. She would now be facing the world on her own. He wanted to reach out to her but she had made it clear that she had no interest in meeting him as Denis. And then there was the matter of Samantha’s cousin John! He did not even want to think about that, as it put his thoughts into such turmoil. It was as if it had involved another person, and he did not know what to make of it.
It was during his second day back at work that it occurred to Denis that he was a bit of an outsider at work — something that had never struck him before. It was not that anyone was being deliberately rude or unkind, but he was no longer the focus of their attention. Now that he was dressed as a man once again no-one commented about how he looked or spoke or asked about his plans for the future. His workmates seemed to take less interest in Denis than they had done in Denise and did not automatically draw him into their conversations. Having once been accepted into the workplace sisterhood, he now missed the small attentions from his colleagues and reverted to being the shy young man getting on with his work at the corner desk. By the end of the day, he was feeling that life as Denis was just a little bit greyer than it had been as Denise.
That evening he went straight home after work and took a large load of washing to the local launderette including both his male and female attire. He also carefully hand washed the dress he'd been given by Jane and Samantha and hung it to dry in the shower cubicle in his room. He was just doing the ironing when there was a knock at his door. He hurriedly covered up all traces of the female clothing in his washing basket and opened the door. It was the young woman from the room along the corridor.
‘Hi, Denis! Where have you been for the last week? I’ve been wanting to tell you some important news,’ she said.
‘Hello, Angela. I'm sorry to have missed you but I've been away working and my mobile phone was out of action,’ he answered in a non-committal way. ‘So what is this news you have to tell me?’
‘Paul has been offered a job in Singapore and has asked me to marry him.’
‘Congratulations, and have you said yes?’
‘Not exactly, or at least not for the time being, but he has invited me to join him out there. He’s sure he can get me a job in the same company. He flew out last weekend, and I have handed in my notice at my work and on my bedsit. I'll be joining him there in three weeks,’ she said happily.
‘Congratulations! That’s quite a surprise! I hope you'll both be happy living out there. I'll miss having our talks from time to time,’ he replied.
‘Thanks,’ she said. ‘I know I've sometimes used you as someone to listen to my moans about him, but I do love him.’
‘I always realised that,’ he replied. ‘I’m happy you chose me as your confidant.’
‘Look, I've brought round a bottle of chilled champagne to celebrate, so if you get out some glasses I'll tell you the whole story’.
Angela was five or six years older than Denis, but they had been neighbours for several months and she liked to chat with him from time to time, particularly to use him as a sounding board. In the past he had been happy to enjoy her company and so he had no choice but to invite her in to his room. He quickly cleared away the ironing and spent the next half hour listening politely to her and her boyfriend’s stories and their plans for the future. Eventually, she asked whether she might use his toilet and, without thinking, he agreed. It was only when she went in to the bathroom that he remembered that there was a dress hanging to dry in the shower cubicle which would be clearly visible. When she emerged she looked a little puzzled.
‘Denis, I didn't know you had a girlfriend.’
There seemed to be no point in lying.
‘I haven’t.’
'In that case whatever have you been getting up to over the last couple of weeks?’
‘What do you mean?’ he answered feigning innocence, but blushing at the same time.
‘Well there’s a rather nice blue dress hanging up to dry in your shower, and also you seem to look a little different from the last time I saw you. You have done something to your eyebrows,’ she said looking more closely. ‘You also seem to have pierced your ears recently. What is it all about?’
Denis blushed even more.
‘Angela, if I tell you, will you promise me not to mention it to anyone else in the house?’
‘Yes of course,’ she said suddenly taking more interest. ‘Who is there to tell? I hardly see any of the other tenants and have now given notice to Mrs Clarke.’
Denis poured two further glasses of wine and related the story of Denise.
‘You’re having me on, aren’t you?’ was her initial reaction.
Therefore he showed her the photographs of the wedding on his computer, and finally brought out the bridesmaid’s dress from his wardrobe.
‘Goodness, you mean you actually managed to fill in as a bridesmaid at a posh society wedding and convince all the guests that you were really a woman.’
He nodded, ‘I believe so. That is everyone other than the bride, the other bridesmaid and two of the guests who already knew me.’
‘What about the bride’s family or the groom?’
‘They still don’t know. The bride saw no reason to trouble them with the information.’
She looked again at the computer.
‘You know you look beautiful in these photographs. I would have loved to have seen you when you were dressed as Denise.
‘Sorry, but there was no way that I could come home dressed like that in case Mrs Clarke saw me’.
‘Why didn’t you phone me, we could've met somewhere and had lunch together?’ she said sounding genuinely disappointed.
‘Oh yes! With me dressed as a bridesmaid!’
‘No, I suppose not, but I would've been happy to meet Denise in her ordinary working clothes’ she answered.
‘I am sorry, Angela, I suppose I could have contacted you but I didn't know how you would react. In any event it was difficult for me last week. During the early part of the week I was busy at work and staying on the other side of London each night, and then for the last two days I was staying in Birmingham.’
‘So what about the dress hanging in the shower cubicle?’
‘That was given to me by the bride and the other bridesmaid, as a 'thank-you' present for standing in at the last moment.’
‘Do you have any other women’s clothes?’
‘Yes, I was given some shoes and underclothes to go with the dress, and of course I still have my bridesmaid’s outfit,’ he answered.
‘I’ll forgive you for not telling me, but only on condition that you dress up as Denise for me one evening before I leave,’ she said.
‘I no longer have the hair extensions, and in any event, I wouldn't be capable of fixing them by myself’.
‘Wait a minute! I’ve got an idea,’ she said and got up and went back to her room. She returned two minutes later holding a long dark brown wig on a wig block.
‘I bought this a few years ago before I grew my hair to its current length, you're welcome to borrow it, and so there can be no excuse for refusing my request.’
Denis sighed before answering.
‘Alright then, if you're free on Friday evening I'll dress up as Denise especially for you. Mrs Clarke usually goes out to bingo on that night and so there's less chance of her seeing me.’
‘Agreed, why don’t you come round to my room at about 7.30 pm, and if you like I'll order a takeaway meal for us to be delivered at 8.00 pm,’ said Angela.
‘I'll wear my blue dress for you but you mustn't blame me if I don't look as good as in the photographs — after all I had a lot a specialised help in getting ready.’
The next two days at work followed the same pattern as the Tuesday with Denis feeling slightly as if he were the odd one out. Even the friendship that had grown up between him and Sue during the weekend before last no longer appeared to be there; her mind now seemed to be on other things. He went out alone window shopping on Wednesday lunchtime and recalled the previous week living and working as Denise, and wondered what Samantha was doing. In the afternoon he set up a new email account in Denise’s name, arranging for any messages to be forwarded to his own account. He then sent her an email announcing the new address, but did not expect a quick reply as he knew she was still staying with her father and neither of them were regular computer users.
In his bed/sitting room on Wednesday evening he again felt lonely especially as the house appeared to be empty. His thoughts turned to how it had felt to be Denise, and so he decided to wear his suspender belt and nylon stockings underneath his trousers. Once again he enjoyed the sensation on his still largely hairless legs but at the end of the evening he discovered that he'd laddered one of the stockings. He therefore decided to go out on the following lunchtime and buy another pair and then to try on his female outfits in the evening.
The silicone breast forms that he'd borrowed from Jane were still at work and so he created his own breasts using the laddered stockings with the toes filled with rice. These created a convincing shape to pop into a bra which worked well under the blue dress, but they did not feel like the real thing and certainly would have been visible if he'd been wearing the bridesmaid’s dress. After 10 p.m., on Thursday evening, once he was certain that there would be no visitors, he put on some makeup and inserted his earrings to become Denise once again. Somewhat to his surprise, he found that he did not look bad as a woman even, with short hair, but once he put on Angela’s wig he truly felt like Denise again. The only thing that did not feel quite right this time was his short boyish fingernails.
Following this successful trial run Denise carefully undressed and removed the wig. Denis then had a shower to wash off all traces of the makeup. Whilst doing so he inspected his arms and legs which had been de-fuzzed the previous Friday night. They were still fairly smooth, but were beginning to show early signs of re-growth, and so he quickly shaved them again to ensure that they would again be smooth for the next day.
Friday was a busy day at work because Jane was away and Sue seemed to be involved in planning some special project for Helen. Denis had hardly spoken to her since his return as she was either ensconced with Helen or else out of the office. In fact the whole office seemed far more business-like than it had been in the run up to Jane's wedding. Denis worked through his lunch time so that he could leave early. He therefore carried on and made the finishing touches to the new website, of which he was increasingly proud. When he eventually had a chance to show it to Helen she said she liked it, and was considering the implications of his proposed online ordering system but could not commit herself further. As he was leaving work he remembered that the small case containing the acrylic fingernail extensions and some adhesive, which were still in his locker. He slipped them into his pocket and made his way home, arriving at about 5.45 pm.
As soon as he was home Denis had a quick shower before getting changed. Over the last fortnight Denise had developed some expertise in putting on her makeup and knew exactly what suited her. As soon as she had finished her face she put in some earrings and then put on Angela’s wig and brushed it into place. Finally she attempted to fix the false fingernails but could not make them stick properly, and so eventually abandoned them in favour of some clear nail varnish hurriedly applied. As she was waiting for her nails to dry she slipped into a pair of high-heels and quickly inspected herself in the full-length mirror. She did not look as glamorous as the previous week, but made a passable and attractive woman nevertheless even if she was disappointed by her hands. They didn't look like a man’s hands, but were plain and rather non-descript compared with the elegantly manicured and polished nails she'd the previous week.
At about seven fifteen she heard Mrs Clarke leave the house and so as soon as her nails were dry she made her way to Angela’s room, keeping her fingers crossed that she would not come across any of the other housemates.
‘Wow!’ said Angela looking at her ‘I'm most impressed, you look very convincing. Did you put on your own make up?’
‘Yes, of course,’ said Denise, once again enjoying the glow of receiving compliments about her appearance.
‘My wig suits you too.’
‘Thanks, it is surprisingly easy to style and looks convincing — I guess it's made of human hair and so must have been expensive when you bought it.’
‘No it's artificial hair, but it was quite expensive. I haven’t worn it since I've grown my own hair and I won’t be taking it to Singapore. You may keep it if you wish,’ said Angela.
‘Oh no, I couldn't accept it as a gift, but I’ll pay you something for it,’ said Denise.
‘I tell you what,’ she said, ‘are you doing anything on tomorrow afternoon?’
‘Are you referring to Denis or Denise?’
‘I think Denis would be more use to me as I need help moving some stuff.’
‘I believe he could be free,’ said Denise, careful to refer to her male self in the third person.
‘If he were able to give me a hand for a couple of hours I will let you keep the wig in recompense.’
‘What would you like him to do?’
‘I have been packing those of my belongings that I will be taking with me to Singapore into two trunks and I'll need to take them downstairs ready for collection on Monday by the shipping agent. Then I'll need to take most of the rest of my things to local charity shops, unless there's anything that you or Denis wants to keep.’
‘I thought you weren’t leaving for another three weeks?’
‘It is now only two and a half weeks before I leave, and I shall be taking a long weekend to say goodbye to my parents next weekend so I'll need to sort out my stuff this weekend.’
‘How will you manage in the meanwhile?’ asked Denise.
‘I'll be taking a suitcase full of those clothes that I'll be keeping with me on the ’plane. It will be a good excuse to buy some more when I get there. Fortunately it is now June and so I'll be able to wear summer dresses in the meanwhile. Many of my other clothes will be too hot for a tropical climate and so I will be giving them away.’
‘Alright then I'm sure Denis will be happy to help you,’ said Denise.
The takeaway meal arrived and the couple spent an enjoyable evening chatting together. Denise found no difficulty in slotting back into her role once again and adopting her female voice. Angela showed no sign of awkwardness and accepted Denise as she might any other female friend.
‘You know I wish I had known about Denise a little earlier, there have been plenty of times when I would have loved to share a meal with a girlfriend like this,’ said Angela.
‘You forget that I've only known about her for a couple of weeks myself, but I agree it has been fun to have a chat with you girl to girl,’ she answered smiling.
‘How about letting me see you dressed as a bridesmaid?’
‘I'm sorry Angela, Mrs Clarke will be arriving back pretty soon, and in any event the dress would not look as good without the proper false breasts and a more elaborate hair style,’ Denise answered.
‘All right I'd better let you go back to your own room now,’ she said.
‘But I am determined to see you as a bridesmaid sometime before I leave,’ she added to herself.
(Next time - Denise acquires a new wardrobe and is soon presented with several opportunities of showing it off.)
Book 2 Chapter 3
Denise again!
‘I've almost finished sorting my clothes Denis, and will need to dispose of quite a lot of them. Is there anything you'd like to keep for Denise’s wardrobe, I think they would probably fit her?’ she asked
‘What sort of things are there?’ he asked.
‘Have a look through those’ she said, indicating a large pile on her bed. ‘There are several dresses, skirts, blouses, tops, coats etc. It's mainly the clothes I wore to the office or else those that I wear during the winter months. There's some good quality stuff but they would be quite unsuitable for me to wear in Singapore.’
He hesitated for a moment, not sure what he should do.
‘Go on, at least have a look through them,’ she said.
‘Alright then, if you're sure,’ he replied.
‘By the way, what size shoes does Denise take?’
‘Size six’.
‘That's lucky, because there are also several pairs of shoes and boots which are in good condition, and which you'd be welcome to take’.
‘Are you sure?’ he repeated.
‘Yes of course I'm sure,' she replied. 'If you take them it will save us another journey to the Charity Shop. There are a few items of underwear that have hardly ever been worn but you will have to buy most of that for yourself. There's also a cardboard box containing some cheap jewellery and various odds and ends you might need next time you dress as Denise.’
Denis blushed at his friend's casual assumption that there would soon be a next time.
‘I’ll have a look through them in my room later,’ he said.
‘Look, why don’t you go and get changed into Denise for the evening, then I will be able to advise whether or not they fit and suit you?’
‘What about Mrs Clarke?’
‘I don’t think they would either fit or suit her,’ she replied smiling.
‘No, what if she should knock on your door?’
‘She likes to spend her Saturday evenings in front of the television set; I don’t think there's much danger of her coming to either of our rooms unless we make a lot of noise. If you're worried about meeting her in the corridor, you could always get changed in my room. I promise not to look.’
He thought for a moment.
‘Alright then; I’ll just go and collect your wig and my makeup from my room.’
An hour later Denise was putting the finishing touches to her makeup, having put on some underwear provided by Angela. In the meanwhile her friend had made them some tea and sandwiches.
‘Alright then, which of these dresses would you like to try first?’
‘I’ll leave you to decide for me, and also to advise me on what looks ok.’
By the end of the evening Denise had tried on every item from Angela’s unwanted wardrobe and had either decided on her own, or else had been encouraged, to keep virtually everything that was offered. As Angela had said, many of the items were for winter rather than summer wear, but there were also a few items that she could wear straight away if she chose to.
‘There's no way that I will be able to store all of these in the wardrobe in my room,’ commented Denise.
‘I know the problem; that's why I bought the mobile clothes rail. However, my reduced range of attire will now easily fit into my wardrobe, so you're welcome to take that as well.’
‘Are you sure that I cannot pay you for some of these clothes, there's so much here?’ she said.
‘No; I'll have no need for them in Singapore and so they would have only gone to a charity shop. I'm happy for you to have them, particularly as they look so nice on you,’ answered Angela.
‘Can I at least treat you to a farewell dinner in a restaurant before you leave?’
Angela thought for a moment before agreeing.
‘Alright, I will have a meal with you but only on condition that I go out with Denise, rather than Denis. I'd prefer not to be seen in the company of a young man by any of Paul’s old friends.’
‘Oh, I'd assumed it would be as Denis, but I suppose I could go out with you as Denise so long as you help me to avoid being seen by Mrs Clarke. Let’s make it next Thursday when she goes to bingo?’
‘Sorry, it would have to be next Friday evening. That is my only remaining free night next week.’
‘Alright but I'll have to work out a way to sneak past her room when I go out and come home dressed as Denise.’
‘I think you worry too much about her seeing you.’
‘That may be so, but remember I'll have to continue living here after you've left.’
The following day was a Sunday, Angela was going out to say goodbye to some friends, but she loaned Denis her door key so that he could collect the clothes and other items from her room. He therefore proceeded to re-arrange his own room. putting all of Denise’s female attire in his wardrobe, where it would be out of sight to any visitor, and hanging his own somewhat more limited range of clothes on the rail in the corner of his room.
After a week in which she'd seemed to be fairly pre-occupied, Sue was a little more talkative with Denis at work on Monday. Midway through the morning she approached him with a technical query about how to upload images to the new website, and the formats that would be required. Once he'd answered her question and shown her how to perform the various tasks, Sue suggested that they should stop to have a coffee together.
‘Does your question this morning mean that Helen is taking my proposals for developing the web site seriously?’ he asked.
‘I believe so. She wants to have a trial run as soon as Jane returns from her honeymoon next week and is able to do some modelling for us,’ she replied.
‘I'm glad and will be very happy to help in any way I can,’ he said.
‘Thank you, I’ll remember that you said that,’ replied Sue.
Their conversation then moved on to other subjects.
‘Did you do anything exciting over the weekend?’ he asked.
‘No, it was a bit of an anticlimax after the last two weekends,’ she replied. ‘Alison managed to go away with her boyfriend for a long week end. I stayed in and caught up with various domestic chores. How about yourself?’
At first he wasn't sure whether or not to mention to Sue about his weekend, but there seemed to be no point in keeping it a secret from her.
‘I spent Saturday afternoon helping one of my housemates sort out her belongings and taking stuff to the charity shop before she leaves for Singapore next week.' In return she has given to me quite a few of her winter clothes to keep for Denise’s wardrobe and also a long wig’ he answered. ‘So I had to stay in and re-organise my wardrobe on Sunday.’
‘Does your friend know about Denise then?’ asked Sue, a little surprised.
‘Yes, she noticed that there was something different about my appearance almost immediately and insisted on an explanation as to why I had a dress hanging up to dry in my bathroom and had shaped my eyebrows and pierced my ears. I had to tell her the whole story.’ he answered.
‘Oh I'm sorry if we landed you in trouble at home Denis,’ said Sue. ‘How did your friend react to the news?’
‘Don’t worry, it wasn’t my landlady. Angela was quite cool about it, in fact she was really friendly, and has promised to keep my secret. I think she was impressed when I showed her the photographs you took at the wedding. In fact she insisted that I dressed up just for her benefit and so we had a takeaway meal together in my room last Thursday evening.’
‘So you've dressed as Denise again. How did you look?’
‘Alright, I think, I wore that blue dress again. I did my makeup quite well and wore her long wig which looked quite realistic, but I wasn't very happy with my finger nails, as I couldn't get the extensions to stick on properly. I also tried on some of her clothes on Saturday evening.’
Sue smiled, thinking to herself ‘he really does enjoy dressing as Denise.’
‘You should have said something, I could have fixed them for you before you left work,’ she said out loud.
‘In that case I'd have to travel home wearing gloves in the middle of June,’ he replied.
‘What did you do about your boobs?’
‘I made my own out of an old pair of nylons filled with rice — they looked alright in that blue dress as the neckline is not cut too low.’
‘I'm sure Jane would not have minded if you'd borrowed her silicone breast forms again, after all you are the only person ever to have worn them.’
‘Do you think so? In that case I may borrow them once again on Friday night. I've promised to take my friend Angela out for a farewell meal. Having once met Denise she now insists that I do so as a girl. She doesn't want to be seen out in the company of a young man whilst her fiancé is overseas.’
‘I see’ said Sue. ‘I'm pleased to hear that you are keeping up with your feminine self. Would you like me to help you to get changed after work on Friday evening?’
‘It would certainly solve the problem of my nosey landlady finding out about Denise’ said Denis. ‘Do you think Helen would let me return into work and change back after the meal?’
‘I suppose so, but if you like, you could come and stay with me after your dinner and then sort yourself out on Saturday morning.’
‘Alright then, as long as Alison doesn't mind me staying again. This time I will be sure to take my work keys with me, so that I do not become marooned as Denise for the whole weekend,’ he said smiling.
‘I think Alison is planning to be out again next weekend but I'll telephone her to find out.’
Half an hour later Sue came back.
‘Alison will be away on Friday evening so you're very welcome to stay. However, she says she'll be back home on Saturday afternoon and particularly asks that you should also stay with us for Saturday evening as well so that we can have a meal together.’
‘She wants me to stay one more night as Denise?’
‘But of course, she has never met Denis.’
He shrugged.
‘Alright then, but why it is that one moment I'm offering to take a friend out for a farewell meal, and then suddenly I find myself spending the two nights as Denise?’
‘Maybe it is because her persona suits you.’
When Denis returned from lunch he found he'd received an email redirected from Denise’s new account.
Hi Denise,
I was so pleased to find your message when I checked my email this morning. I didn’t think to check earlier, but had been hoping you might telephone me. (I didn't want to risk phoning you in case Denis should answer!). Anyway, I'm now back in London and so am anxious to know when we can get together again. I have so much that I want to tell you! You seem to have made an impression on several of my relatives, and John is asking about you. May I give him your new email address?
See you soon, I hope.
Lot’s of love
Sam xx
He responded to her from Denise’s account writing in her name.
Hi Sam,
I too have missed your company. I shall be staying with Sue and her flatmate on Saturday night, and could come out to see you after lunch on Sunday, if that is convenient, but I won’t be able to stay too long as I have change back ready for work on Monday. You do not need to worry about telephoning me — I have allocated you a special ringtone and if it is not convenient for Denise to speak to you I will send a busy signal and return your call later. As to John, the answer is a definite no. My life is quite complicated enough already, and in any event we live more than 120 miles from one another.
Let me know if Sunday pm is ok.
Love
Denise xx
Fifteen minutes later she emailed back.
‘Hi Denise, I'm looking forward to seeing you on Sunday, but are you sure you can’t stay the night? The flat is so lonely now that Jane has left. I could make us both a dinner, and then we could both leave together early on Monday morning?
Love Sam xx
He thought for some time before answering. He was pleased at the prospect of seeing his friend again, but once again it seemed that he was being sucked into spending yet another long weekend as Denise. It was not exactly against his will, but it certainly was without his active planning. He could of course refuse to co-operate, and spend the evening at home, but that prospect didn't appeal. Denise had more social engagements in two weekends than Denis had had during the previous six months. After giving the matter a little thought he again emailed back from Denise’s account to accept her proposition.
That night he went through Denise’s now fairly extensive wardrobe and planned exactly what she would wear between Friday evening and Monday morning. The only thing she was short of was underclothing, and so he decided that Denise should go shopping for some more at the first available opportunity. Angela arrived home at about 10.00 pm and called in to see him briefly before going to bed. He explained his plans for the following Friday evening and she agreed that they could meet in central London after work, rather than back at the flat. She also confirmed that she would have no difficulty in making her way home alone after their meal.
By the Thursday afternoon word had got round the office that Denis was intending to go out as Denise again the following evening and then stay with Sue, and later with Jane’s sister. His other workmates expressed an interest in meeting her once again, and as Denis was still owed several hours of leave, Helen suggested that he should take a half day’s leave and get changed after lunch time so Denise would have plenty of time to get herself ready. Sue agreed to help him fix Jane’s breast forms and the nail extensions during her lunch break but this time Denise was going to look after all the other preparations, on her own. Thus the following morning Denis arrived at work armed with a medium sized suitcase containing the clothes, wig and jewellery that he and his alter ego would need for the next four days, having again ensured the night before that his arms and legs were smooth and hairless.
As promised, Sue helped him to fix the breast formes and false nails at lunchtime.
‘I'll have to get back to my work now. You can put on your own nail varnish and manage the remainder of the transition by yourself,’ said Sue.
‘That’s alright thank you, I think that I should now be ok,’ answered Denis.
Midway through the afternoon Denise emerged from the store-room which they used as a changing room fully made up and wearing one of Angela’s dresses, together with matching shoes, earrings and beads. She was just in time to join her colleagues for their afternoon tea break. It was noticeable that they all took notice of her once again.
‘So how do I look ladies?’ she asked.
‘You know perfectly well that you look lovely, so there is no need to go fishing for compliments,’ said Sarah.
‘Come on, don’t be mean to our young novice, she deserves to be congratulated for learning how to use makeup so well and style her wig, if nothing else,’ said Mary.
‘Alright, you've done very well. So where are you off to tonight, and who with?’ asked Sarah.
Denise was pleased to be asked about her plans and explained how her original limited scheme had grown to encompass the whole weekend.
‘So it now looks as if you will not be changing back to Denis until Monday morning,’ said Sarah.
‘Yes I’ll come into work at about eight and get myself changed. I'll try and un-glue my boobs on Sunday night, and then without the problem of removing the hair extensions I should be able to change back into Denis in time for work.’
‘Jane will be disappointed to have missed you, she's going to be back from her honeymoon on Monday morning,’ said Helen.
‘I think Jane saw enough of me as Denise the weekend before last,’ answered Denise.
‘Oh come on now, surely you could delay changing back until Monday afternoon and do it at a more leisurely pace. That way Jane will get to see you again and it will also use up the last of your outstanding leave from last year,’ she said.
‘Also it will be safer for you to have some help when removing those false boobs in case you should damage them,’ added Sue.
Denise sighed, but then smiled.
‘Oh alright then, it is just as well that there is another outfit hanging in my locker’.
Denise still had a couple of hours free in the afternoon and so used the time to go out and buy herself two more sets of underwear for the weekend from a department store. This time she was more confident than before, and once again chose some feminine styles. She returned to the office just as the others were on the point of leaving for the day. Sue handed her the spare key for her flat.
‘The camp bed will be made up for you, if you arrive back after I've gone to bed,’ she said.
‘Thanks but I don’t expect to be back late tonight.’
‘Would you like me to take your suitcase home with me now?’ she said.
‘Oh yes please that would be great. I’ll just put my shopping inside,’ answered Denise.
‘I’ll leave it next to your bed,’ said Sue.
(Next time Denise receives an offer of some new accommodation.)
Book 2 Chapter 4
A weekend of social engagements
‘You know you're really good company to go out with when you are wearing one of my dresses,’ commented Angela.
Denise gave a forced smile, but looked slightly uncomfortable.
‘Are you implying that I'm not good fun when I'm Denis?’
She sighed.
‘I suppose I am. Denis was a nice young man, and a good friend, but he was rather shy and awkward. I think he'd have been hard work for any girl to take on.’
‘Oh, I see,’ answered Denise quietly.
‘In any event, I already had a boyfriend and didn't want to complicate things by seeing a younger guy — no matter how innocent was the actual relationship.’
‘Why are you speaking about Denis in the past tense?’ asked Denise.
Angela shrugged.
‘I suppose it's because I'll be leaving shortly, and I'd like to remember you in terms of these last few days. In any event, I get the impression that your future lies more with Denise than Denis,’ she answered.
Denise sighed.
‘That seems to be my problem, I know several girls and even one bloke who appear to enjoy my company when I am Denise, meanwhile Denis leads a rather sad and lonely life,’ she answered.
‘So who's the guy?’
She explained briefly about the time spent with John and how she had turned down his offer to meet again.
‘I see, but if you liked him, and he knows all about you, then why did you tell him to get lost?’
‘I didn't tell him to get lost, I merely tried to explain that I wasn't ready to think about any form of relationship until I've sorted out my own feelings about Denise,’ she answered.
‘But you were willing to consider the possibility?’
‘I don’t know - perhaps - but I'm not sure. Mostly I enjoy spending my time with women rather than men.’
Denise didn’t wish to continue the topic further, and so changed the subject, explaining how the original offer to take her out for one evening as Denise had mushroomed into a series of social engagements over the next seventy-two hours.
‘Maybe we're all trying to tell you something?’
‘What's that?’ asked Denise.
‘That you might be happier and more fulfilled as Denise than as Denis,’ she answered.
‘That's the second time I've heard that comment recently; why do you think so?’
‘The first time I saw you as Denise you seemed to be a different person. You struck me as being more contented and, as we have just been saying, you make better company. Denis always seemed be rather on edge, whereas you seem relaxed and confident. That’s why I offered you my work clothes. I suspect your friends think the same as I do.’
Denise thought for a little before answering.
‘I do feel more confident as Denise and my colleagues also seem to treat me differently; they're more friendly somehow,’ she mused.
‘Of course. None of them see Denis as a potential boyfriend, yet they can all accept Denise as one of the girls.
Denise sighed once more but didn't seem willing to answer further.
‘What future plans have you got now that Denise has acquired a more extensive wardrobe?’ asked Angela.
‘I have so many clothes that I don’t know when I'll manage to wear them all.’
‘I never found that I had too many clothes, and I had far more than you do’.
‘That's different, you wear them full time.’
‘If you have many other weekends like this one you'll soon find you have worn them all, and will want to get yourself some more.’
‘I enjoy going out as Denise and I'm quite proud of the way I look. However, even with a wig and a wardrobe half full of dresses and skirts, life is still rather complicated having to switch backwards and forwards between the sexes. Just look at the arrangements I had to make for tonight.’
‘Have you considered spending some more time living as a girl just to see how you get on?’
‘I did spend nine days as Denise and enjoyed my time, but of course I didn't have to go home during that period.’
‘Nine days isn't long enough to discover your true feelings. I meant a few weeks.’
‘I haven’t thought about it. I suppose that thanks to your gift of all those clothes last week it would now be quite feasible for me to do so. I don’t think they would mind at work if I did so, but then there would be the case of finding somewhere else to live.’
‘Why don't you explain to Mrs Clarke about Denise, you never know, she may be alright about it?’ asked Angela.
‘I don’t think she'd be very happy about the idea, and she's always so nosey that she'd be bound to find out,’ replied Denise.
‘Maybe, but she told me that she's going to be visiting her sister next week from Sunday until Wednesday afternoon and so you could spend some more time as Denise if you wanted.’
‘There are also the other tenants on the top floor,’ said Denise.
‘We hardly ever see them and they would probably not even notice if you did run into them whilst you were wearing a dress.’
‘I've already arranged to change back on Monday afternoon, but I suppose I could delay things and call round to your flat in the evening if you like,’ said Denise.
‘Sorry I'll be staying with my parents. I have very few free evenings left before I leave next Saturday. We could go out together on Wednesday and then return home quite naturally and see what happens.’
‘What if Mrs Clarke finds out and gives me notice to quit?’
‘You'll at least know where you stand.’
‘Sorry, but I'm not ready to take the risk, but may I call round as Denis on Friday evening to wish you goodbye?’
Angela looked a little disappointed but agreed she could do so. After that the idea of going out together once more was quietly dropped.
After the meal both girls walked to the tube station before saying goodbye.
‘Thanks for the meal Denise, I've really enjoyed it, and I wish we could have gone out together before now.’
‘You're welcome, and thank you again for all the clothes, I'm sure they'll come in handy sometime.’
‘I’ll be leaving the country soon and so it doesn’t really matter to me what you decide,’ but you might at least consider my suggestion,’ said Angela, ‘ultimately you might find you are happier.’
‘I’ll think about it,’ answered Denise, before she kissed her friend on the cheek and joined her train going in the other direction.
Denise was not sorry when she arrived at Sue’s flat and found that her friend had already gone to bed. She undressed, cleaned off her makeup and put on her nightdress before spending an hour or more recalling her conversation with Angela and thinking about the implications of what had been said.
The following day with Sue was fairly relaxed and easy going, at least until Alison returned home in the evening. Denise and Sue spent the morning together chatting and planning their evening meal. Denise therefore offered to provide a light Sunday lunch before she left her friends to spend the Sunday afternoon and evening with Samantha. Throughout the whole time Sue did not make one reference to Denis or to Denise’s true sex and chatted to her as she would any of her female friends. Denise likewise avoided all matters about her gender and instead preferred to gossip about work. Sue confirmed that she had been asked by Helen to prepare a budget for a pilot project for the proposed website improvements and they were now waiting for Jane’s return from her honeymoon before making a start photographing the collection.
‘You never know Denise, there may even be a few occasions when we could do with a second model, if you were willing to consider doing the work,’ she said.
Denise smiled but did not answer, not thinking the possibility of such employment to be very likely.
The afternoon was spent shopping for food and toiletries, and then preparing their meal. Alison arrived back at tea time, having just returned from a sales convention in Newcastle-upon Tyne. She worked for a drug company, and had to travel away from home from time to time.
‘Hi everyone! It's good to see you again Denise, I felt sure it wouldn't be too long before you were staying with us again,’ she said kissing her on the cheek. ‘Here I've even brought you both some goodies made by one of our subsidiaries. We give them to our customers for their wives and mistresses, although I guess they'd prefer free samples of viagra. She handed them each a presentation box containing various cosmetics and a perfume.’
Denise thanked her and the two chatted with one another whilst Sue began serving their dinner.
‘I like your wig, where did you get it?’ asked Alison.
‘It was given to me by one of my housemates who's about to go abroad. She has also given me quite a few of her clothes.’
‘Have you told everyone at home about Denise then?’
‘No! Only my friend Angela, who lives in a bedsit in the same house. My landlady doesn't know, neither does my family.’
‘Well, that must be your next task, if you're going to live as Denise full-time.’
‘Who said that I was going to live as Denise full-time?’ she asked, surprised, remembering her conversation from the previous evening.
‘No-one, but it seems the next logical step for you,’ she answered in a matter-of-fact way.
During the course of their meal the conversation inevitably turned again to the various developments over the last fortnight relating to Denise and to her plans for the future, so she told them what Angela had said to her the night before.
‘How would you feel about living as Denise?’ asked Sue.
‘I don’t know, it has some attractions but it would be an awfully large step to take,’ she replied.
‘I think your friend was talking a lot of sense and that you might well be happier as Denise,’ said Alison
‘But wouldn’t it make her life complicated to live as Denise full-time,’ commented Sue.
‘No more complicated than switching between the sexes every couple of weeks,’ commented Alison.
‘I don’t know what to do,’ said Denise.
‘Only you can decide,’ said Sue, not wishing to push her friend too far. ‘Why not begin by making a list of all the things you like about being Denise and then another of those you don’t.’
‘Alright then, I’ll begin with the things that I like.’
‘I’ll write them down for you,’ said Alison.
‘Firstly I enjoy the sensation of wearing female clothing,’ she said. ‘I like the feeling of soft and silky clothes on my skin, especially nylon stockings and tights. I like tight and well-fitting clothes, and even though high heeled shoes sometimes make my feet ache, I still prefer to wear them because they make my feet look nice. Likewise I enjoy the sensation of having dangling earrings, feeling long hair on the back of my neck and having long manicured finger nails.’
As she said this she examined her own lacquered nails.
‘I suppose we take many of those things for granted, but I wonder whether the attraction would wear off after a while,’ said Sue.
Denise continued her list without answering.
‘I like to look good and enjoy receiving compliments or just admiring glances in the street. I also like to experiment wearing different colours and styles to give myself a different look. I enjoy putting on my makeup and perfume, for the way it looks, feels, and smells. I didn't even mind putting my hair into rollers at night when I had the extensions, because I knew it would make my hair look better the next day.’
‘Yes it was plain to us when we went out together three weeks ago that you enjoyed being looked at,’ said Alison.
‘I also prefer the way people react to me as Denise as well — they tend to be much nicer and more thoughtful and more interested in me, which makes me nicer and more interested in them, in return. I have many more friends and more invitations to go out as Denise than ever I had as Denis. It is also noticeable that other people — such as shop assistants or taxi drivers - are friendlier as well. Above all, I seem to have more confidence in my self and be more extrovert as Denise than ever I was as Denis.’
‘Wow! That's quite a comprehensive list, so what about the disadvantages?’ asked Sue.
‘Whereas the advantages are mainly internal to me — what I think and feel - the disadvantages tend to relate to what other people think and feel about me. For example, I worry about what my mother and sister and other relations would say if they could see me now? How will my landlady react? What about those people who knew me as a young man or at school?’
‘Is that all! said Alison indignantly. ‘You really have quite a lot to learn about being a girl. What about being patronised or the butt of sexist comments at work, quite apart from suffering from the curse each month?’
Sue indicated that her friend should be quiet and turned the conversation back to the subject of Denise and her feelings.
‘You automatically assume that other people’s reactions will be negative, but from what I've heard, those you have experienced so far have all been quite positive. Certainly that's true with your colleagues at work; we all like having you as Denise’.
‘Yes, and if other people’s reactions were the only thing I'd have the courage to go ahead. However, there is also the unresolved issue of my sexuality — which I still have to face. I have never had a girl friend and certainly never will have one if I continue to dress like this, but I've never thought of myself as being homosexual. I've always preferred the company of females, but I'm not sure how Denise should react to men. Jane’s cousin knew all about me and yet he still seemed to like me when we met at the wedding. I got quite frightened because I seemed to be feeling the same way towards him and did not know what to do.’
Denise felt a tear run down her cheek, and then she felt Sue’s hand touch her by way of comfort.
‘Denise, only you can decide what you want to do with your life. We may make suggestions or provide opportunities for you, but you must take as much time as you need to decide which way you want to go’ said Sue.
Thereafter Sue and Alison tactfully steered the conversation to other subjects. The three girls stayed up late drinking wine and talking of a variety of things including their respective jobs, clothes Alison’s current boyfriends and Sue’s former long-term partner with whom she had recently split. No further reference was made to Denise’s situation either then or during the remainder of her visit, she was simply a mutual friend who had come to stay.
‘I'm afraid we haven't done very much this weekend, in return for your cooking us lunch,’ commented Sue the next day.
‘Don’t worry, I've enjoyed the companionship of two good friends.’
‘So you would like to come and stay again sometime when we're both free,’ said Alison.
‘Oh yes please. I'm not in a position to invite you back to my place, but perhaps we could all go out for the day one weekend or even stay in a bed and breakfast.’
‘That would be nice,’ answered Sue.
Later that afternoon Denise rang the doorbell of Samantha’s flat and could hear her friend running down the stairs to answer.
‘Hi Denise, it is so lovely to see you again,’ she said giving her a great hug and sounding genuinely pleased. ‘I'm glad to see you looking so good.’
‘Thanks, I've missed you too.’
The two spent the next hour catching up with each other’s news over the last fortnight, and looking at the professional wedding photographs, which Samantha had collected to pass on to her sister as soon as she got home. In fact Jane had just telephoned from the airport to say that she’d had a wonderful honeymoon but was feeling a little off colour. However, she confirmed that she would be coming to collect her remaining belongings from their shared flat over the next week.
‘She's paid her rent until the end of June, but after that I'll have to look out for a new flatmate as I won't be able to afford the rent on my own with my monthly allowance,’ said Samantha.
‘It's a nice flat, you won't have too much difficulty finding someone to share with you,’ said Denise.
‘Yes but I want to be sure that I can get on with her before I accept anyone,’ she answered.
‘Are you going to look for a job for the summer?’
‘Yes, I've now had my break and have three months to try and earn myself some money for next year.’
Denise told her friend about everything she'd done during the last two weeks, and in particular about her meetings with Angela.
‘I was wondering where your clothes came from. Does that mean you now possess a complete wardrobe of female clothes?’ she asked.
‘Yes I suppose it does.’
‘Will you be able to wear them to work?’
‘I suppose so, my workmates seem quite keen for me to dress as Denise from time to time.’
‘So you can now be Denise whenever you want?’
‘Well not exactly. I can spend the weekend staying with friends but I still have to return home as Denis during the week.’
‘Why don’t you move in to Jane’s old room? The rent would be no more than you're currently paying, and you wouldn't have to worry about the landlady seeing you wearing a frock’
‘But I didn't think you wanted to meet me as Denis’
‘I don’t! The invitation to move in is addressed to my friend Denise. If you accepted, you would have to promise that you would either dispose of Denis’s things or at least leave them somewhere else.
‘So you're suggesting that I live full-time as Denise?’
‘Yes I suppose I am, but if you like we could start off with a fixed trial period — say just for the summer. If either one does not wish to continue the arrangement there'll be plenty of time for you to find alternative accommodation.’
‘I'm sorry Samantha, but I don’t think I am ready to take such a step.’
She looked a little disappointed.
‘That is a pity; we seem to get on with one another and could have fun together.’
‘Sorry but it seems quite a drastic step for me to take at the moment,’ said Denise.
‘Jane won’t be moving out for another week, so you can think about my offer for a few days if you wish, but after that I'll have to look for someone else to share with.’
‘Alright then, I’ll think about it,’ she replied.
(Next time Denise hears about the opportunity of a new job.)
Book 2 Chapter 5
A new job?
Both girls got up at seven o’clock the next morning and whilst Denise got herself ready to go to work, Samantha prepared them toast and coffee, and then came upstairs to announce it was ready. She stood at the bedroom door for a moment watching as her friend applied mascara to her lashes.
‘You're really getting quite expert at getting yourself ready in the mornings’ commented Samantha.
‘Yes, I’ve had a fair amount of practice recently’ answered her friend.
‘You look as if you enjoy putting on your makeup.’
‘I suppose I do, but no doubt the novelty would wear off if I had to do it every day’ answered Denise smiling.
‘Maybe, but you strike me as someone who likes to look nice.’
Denise shrugged and followed her friend down to breakfast.
At nine o’clock Denise arrived at her work with a suitcase containing the clothes she'd worn over the weekend together with the clothes given her by Helen, which she'd left at Samantha’s flat. She answered several friendly enquiries as to her weekend, before looking to see whether Jane had arrived. There was no sign of her — in fact she'd rung in sick and had made an appointment to see her doctor, although she promised to come in to work during the course of the morning. When she did eventually arrive she truly did not look well, but was nevertheless quite cheerful.
‘What’s the trouble?’ asked Mary.
‘I guess it is something I’ve eaten as I've several times wanted to be sick, but I'm feeling a lot better now than I did first thing this morning.’
She was soon surrounded by her colleagues congratulating her about the wedding and asking to hear all about her honeymoon. Eventually once the hubbub had died down Denise went over to welcome her back.
‘Hi Denise, my sister mentioned that you were planning to visit her yesterday, but I wasn’t expecting to see you at work today. Have you been coming in to work as Denise ever since my wedding?’
‘Oh no, I only changed back for the weekend so that I could visit your sister since she refuses to see me if I'm dressed as Denis.’
‘Good for her.’
‘I'll be changing back after lunch as I have to return home tonight. I would have changed before work but Helen wanted me to stay as Denise for your benefit.’
‘Thanks! That is nice of you, and by the way you look very nice this morning.’
‘Thank you, I hope you don’t mind but I borrowed your breast forms once again when I visited Samantha.’
‘No, of course I do not mind, in fact I have no use for them and sincerely hope I never will have. They look so good on you so that you'd better hang on to them’ said Jane.
‘Are you sure I can’t pay you something for them, they must have been expensive?’
‘No of course not, they are my means of ensuring that you can go and visit my sister. She will be quite lonely this summer now that I'm moving out of the flat, and will need her friends. By the way, Simon has suggested that we should organise a dinner party for the bridesmaid’s, the best man, and my cousin John, so you'll need to use them again if you are going to be able to wear a sexy low cut dress.’
Denise blushed and answered in a non-committal way before turning their conversation to ask about the honeymoon. After listening politely to the delights of sun, sea and sand, Denise brought her friend up to date concerning developments in her own life in London.
After lunch, Helen and Sue had a conversation with Jane and explained their plans to her.
‘With you as acting as a model and Sue as the photographer I believe we could have the whole stock photographed and mounted on the Internet within four months’ she said.
‘I think it is a brilliant idea, and I'd love to act as a model for you,’ said Jane, ‘but I'm afraid there's going to be a problem.’
‘What is that?’ said Helen.
‘I think I may be six or seven weeks pregnant,’ she announced. ‘I've been feeling sick pretty well every morning this week and I spend most of my mornings looking decidedly green. It isn't until lunchtime that I begin to look like a human again. I bought a testing kit whilst we were away and it came up positive, and so I took a formal pregnancy test at the doctor’s this morning. She believes that the morning sickness will probably disappear after three months but by that time I will have begun to show and in the meanwhile I'll just have to live with it. Unfortunately there's no way I could act as a photographic model for you over the next few months.’
Both Helen and Sue offered her their congratulations but soon returned to the original subject and asked Jane what she thought they might do in her place.
‘I can think of a couple of people who have the right looks and are the right age for the job; how about employing one of my two bridesmaids,’ said Jane. ‘I know that Samantha is looking for a job to cover the summer months, and young Denise is already on your staff’
‘Sue has already suggested Denise to me as a possible model to help you,’ said Helen, ‘do you think she could do the job?’
‘I am certain she could, and so could my sister — just look at my wedding photographs,’ answered Jane, ‘but if you are in any doubt why not give them both a trial.’
‘How quickly could we arrange to do that Sue?’ asked Helen.
‘I could fix up a session for Wednesday morning.’
‘Alright then, Jane will you have a word with your sister and invite her to come in for a test at 10.00am on Wednesday, but don’t make any promises about the longer term.’
Jane nodded, and so Helen turned to Sue.
'Where is Denise?’
‘The last time I saw her she was going to change into Denis,’ said Sue.
‘Can you go and stop her from changing and ask her to come and see me, but again don’t say too much.’
Denise was not due to work that afternoon and so had been in no great hurry to change back into Denis. She was sitting at a dressing table in the basement looking at her reflection and daydreaming when Sue came in. She was still thinking about Samantha’s recent offer, and whether or not she dared to accept it.
‘Oh good, you haven’t begun to get changed yet,’ said Sue, ‘Helen would like to see us both in her office.’
‘What about?’ asked Denise.
‘I think she might have a job for you to do.’
‘Are you sure that she wants to see me dressed like this?’
‘Yes, of course she does. Come upstairs and you’ll soon find out.’
Helen looked up and smiled as her two colleagues entered her office. It struck her that Denise did indeed appear to make a graceful and attractive young woman.
‘Sit down, please, both of you.’
They followed her instructions.
‘I'm glad Sue caught you in time before you got changed Denise. I need someone to model some clothes for me on Wednesday morning, and as you know Jane is not feeling too well and has suggested you as a suitable alternative. Would you be willing to do it for me? After all you looked so good in Jane’s wedding photographs.’
‘But what about Sue?’ said Denise somewhat surprised by the offer, ‘she has done some modelling for you in the past.’
‘I'll be the photographer on this occasion, and in any event you are closer to the size that we are looking for,’ answered Sue.
‘Is there no one else who would like the job?’ Denise asked.
‘Not really, I need someone of about your age and I can’t afford to pay a professional model. I'll also be offering Jane’s sister a job for the day as well.’
‘I wouldn't mind having a go, but I've never done any modelling before, and am not sure what would be involved,’ said Denise.
‘It is easy, you just put on a frock and do as you are told,’ said Sue laughing. ‘If you like I could run through with you tomorrow what you will need to do. That is assuming that you can come in again as Denise. If it is going to be a problem for you, then you can stay with me until we are finished.’
‘Thanks for the offer, but for once I don't need to worry about going home in a dress as my landlady has gone away for a couple of days. I am however running out of clean underclothes as I've not been home since last Thursday and have worn all those that I possess, until I have time to do some more laundry.’
Helen handed over thirty pounds from petty cash. ‘Here go out and buy yourself a new set of lingerie and a pair of tights, because you'll need something dry to wear for tomorrow. I assume that you will be coming in to work as Denise tomorrow and Wednesday.’
Denise sighed and then smiled.
‘Alright, Sue can show me what I need to do tomorrow, and then I'll be happy to have a go as a model for you on Wednesday if you think I will be ok.’
‘I think you will probably be fine,’ said Sue, ‘but we will see how it goes.’
‘It is remarkable how whenever I put on female clothes it becomes very difficult to take them off again,’ commented Denise to Sue as they left the office, but it didn't sound as if she were complaining.
Denise therefore forgot all about her plans to get changed and instead went out to buy yet more underclothes, before returning home with a suitcase crammed full of female clothing. The house appeared to be empty when she got in, and so for once she had no qualms about remaining as a woman whilst she took her washing to the launderette.
The next morning Denise left her home dressed in one of the few summer outfits that she possessed: a light blue cotton floral skirt a short-sleeved white blouse and light blue jacket. As she left one of the other tenants was also leaving. It was a guy she had not seen before, so he was either a new tenant or else a visitor. She simply smiled and wished him good morning. He grunted in return but didn't look at all surprised to see her and she was sure that he hadn't recognised her.
‘Hello again Denise, I thought you'd told us to expect Denis again today,’ said Sarah as they both arrived at work. ‘It is getting so that we don’t know who to expect when we arrive at work in the morning,’ she added, smiling.
‘Sorry for the confusion, but it wasn't my fault. I was about to change back yesterday afternoon but Helen has asked me to do some modelling for her on Wednesday’ she said.
‘Actually we already knew, it was the subject of discussion after you left yesterday. Good luck with the trial, I'm sure you will do very well.’
Denise thanked her, feeling a little puzzled about the reference to a trial — as far as she was concerned she’d been asked to do one job. However, before she could ask her for an explanation the telephone rang and Jane was calling in sick again but had said that she would be in later. Mary and Sarah were now guessing their colleague’s true situation and so there was no more discussion about the modelling job.
As promised, Sue spent her lunch break explaining to Denise what she'd be expected to do as a photographic model on the following day and they had a dry run in which she took a number of photographs using the newly acquired studio lights. Jane eventually arrived at work at lunchtime, assuring everyone that she was feeling better and promising to make up the time that she had missed. Denise had just emerged from the studio.
‘Hello Denise, I'm glad to see you are still with us.’
‘Yes, I understand that you recommended me to act as a model in your place.’
‘I've also suggested my sister as well, and I'm sure you will both do well. There'll be ample work to keep the two of you employed for the next three months or so,’ she said.
‘Three months? I understood we were being employed just for one day to give you time to recover from your stomach upset,’ said Denise.
‘Oh dear, hasn’t anyone explained to you, I’m pregnant and I won’t be doing any modelling for the next nine months at least. Tomorrow is intended as a trial run. If all goes well then Helen and Sue will want you to stay working as a model until the end of September,’ said Jane.
‘Neither of them said anything to me about working beyond Wednesday,’ she replied.
‘Oh Sorry Denise, perhaps I've said something I shouldn’t, you had best forget that I mentioned it.’
Denise wondered whether she should immediately ask for clarification, but noted Jane’s request and decided she had to make up her own mind whether or not she wanted the job first. The prospect of three months working as Denise corresponded with Samantha’s offer of a room for the same period. It was now a matter of urgency for her to decide what she wanted to do with her life.
After work she returned home, changed into some flat heeled shoes and went out for a walk alone on Hampstead Heath. She was trying to sort out in her mind what she wanted to do over the next few weeks. Her life had been turned upside down during the last month in the most unexpected way and through no design of her own. Yet she had to admit that it was now far more interesting than it had been previously and she now had more friends than before. Both fate and her new friends seemed to be conspiring with one another to change her from a shy, non-descript young man into a confident and attractive young woman.
As it began to get dark and fewer people were around she remembered that perhaps it was not wise for her to be out alone, dressed as a woman, on the Heath and so she began to make her way home. In some respects her life would be more constrained as a woman, yet at the same time it seemed to offer her more freedom. Then suddenly it came clear to her what she should do. She'd ventured thus far and would be happy to go with the flow and not seek to struggle against fate any more. If her colleagues decided tomorrow that they wanted her to spend her summer modelling female clothing, then that is what she would do. If that also meant moving to new accommodation, then so be it.
Having made her decision, she felt as if a great weight had been lifted from her shoulders. She would do her best to impress them in the morning and then wait to see what happened.
Once again the house seemed deserted as she let herself into her room and got ready for bed.
(Next time Denise comes to a decision about a new life.)
Book 2 Chapter 6
The test shoot
‘Hello Denise, I didn't expect to see you again so soon but am always pleased to do so,’ said Samantha, kissing her friend on the cheek.
She then turned to Sue.
‘My sister told me to report to you this morning, Sue. What would you like us to do?’
‘Would you both mind waiting by my desk for a few moments whilst I make some last minute arrangements?’ she answered and left them together.
Denise smiled at her friend, ‘That is wonderful news about your sister.’
‘Yes, I'm very happy for her, although I'm not sure that I'm quite ready to face being an aunt,’ she replied laughing. ‘But, it'll also be good news for us if it results in our getting a modelling job for the summer.’
‘I'd no idea that they were considering us for three months of work, until Jane mentioned it to me late yesterday. I was given to understand that we were wanted to fill in for a day or two until Jane stopped feeling sick,’ said Denise.
‘Maybe they didn’t realise that Jane would be throwing up every morning when they spoke to you, or, more likely, they wanted you to get used to the idea gently,’ said Samantha.
A few minutes later Sue invited them to come through to the new temporary photographic studio which she had created by clearing an upstairs storeroom, hanging some cloth backdrops, and installing some lights.
‘What we're hoping to do today is to take series of trial shots of you, both individually and together, and wearing a number of different outfits. We want to be able to judge how you will look under photographic lighting and whether you can pose effectively. Also, we need to know what colours and styles suit you best. Above all, we need to get an idea of how long the process will take.’
‘And assuming all goes well, then what?’ asked Samantha.
‘That will be up to Helen to decide, once she has seen the test shots. I believe she will be anxious to begin photographing the entire collection as soon as possible.’
‘OK Sue, what would you like us to do first?’ asked Denise
‘Take off your top clothes and hang them on the rail in the corner please. I will show you how to fix your makeup. It will be useful to me if you were able to help one another in this respect.’
‘I am sure we can do so, we are good friends,’ said Samantha.
Sue seems to be assuming that we will both be working together for some time,' Denise thought to herself.
Sue proceeded to show them both how to make up each other’s faces to suit the requirements of the studio lighting.
As soon as they were ready Denise and Samantha were each asked to change into a series of pre-planned outfits and pose in such a way as to show off the clothes or accessories. At first Sue had to explain in detail to each of them what she was looking for in terms of the position of the body and the facial expression, but as the morning wore on the two novice models increasingly came to learn what was expected and would get in to position and respond to Sue’s requests for different facial expressions with the minimum of guidance. Denise enjoyed trying on the different clothes and could see how Sue had carefully chosen the various accessories to co-ordinate with what she was wearing. She felt that she would learn a lot if she were to be offered the job. The work was also fun to do, but proved to be surprisingly tiring and both the models were relieved when Sue decided to break for lunch at 1.00pm.
‘Alright ladies, you can put on your own clothes again now as I need to download the photographs I've taken. I’ll see you both back here at 2.00 pm sharp please.’
‘Won’t you be having some lunch?’ asked Denise, hoping she might get some feedback on how it had gone.
‘Not today, I'll have a coffee and a sandwich at my desk.
‘In that case Denise, let us go and get a coffee and a sandwich next door’ said Samantha.
‘Won’t we look a little odd wearing all this makeup in the middle of the day?’ said Denise
‘Not really, perhaps we both look a little bit over made up, but nobody is going to say anything,’ she replied.
‘Alright then but I will stick to a salad as I'll have to watch my waistline in future if I'm going to be able to wear some of those dresses’ said Denise.
After ordering their food the pair sat down and began to compare notes about the morning.
‘So, what do you think?’ asked Samantha.
‘Do you mean, “what do I think of the work”? or, “how did we get on”?’ Denise replied.
‘Both.’
‘I enjoyed the work, or at least I began to do so once I understood what was required of us. I also suspect we did alright for a couple of amateurs, but whether or not they will make good enough pictures is another matter.’
‘Yes, I agree, and it was such good fun trying on all of the clothes,’ said Samantha, excitedly. ‘I've wanted to work in the fashion industry, ever since Jane told me about her job.’
‘Yes I remember you telling me the first time we met,’ answered Denise.
‘Those photographs that Sue took of us at Jane’s wedding were really very good, at least as good as the ones taken by the professional photographer, and I don’t think they would have offered us this trial if they did not consider us to be sufficiently photogenic.’
‘In that case let us hope you are right.’
‘So, Denise, what will you say if they offer us the job?’
She thought for a moment before answering.
‘It depends on whether your offer of accommodation is still open. I could not accept it if I had to keep changing back into Denis before going home each night and into Denise again the next morning.’
‘But on Sunday you said you were not prepared to live as Denise full-time,’ said Samantha.
‘I know, but I've been thinking about the future a lot over the last couple of days. I've now spent two extended periods as Denise and enjoyed every moment of it on both occasions. I'm getting more confident all the time and my friends and workmates also seem to be happy with me as Denise.’
‘Yes, Jane has commented as much to me,’ replied Samantha.
‘I've thought about the possibility of spending my weekdays as Denise but I don’t think my landlady would be happy if I changed my sex every Monday morning and back again every Friday evening for the next three months, and in any event, what would be the point? So, if we are offered three months of work and you are still willing to have me as a flatmate, then I would like to accept your offer,’ she said smiling.
‘Denise, I would so love to have you as a flatmate,’ said Samantha, touching her hand, ‘but you must realise that I was being serious about my stipulation. If you come and live with me, you do so as Denise full-time. Denis’s clothes must be stored elsewhere. That is non-negotiable.’
‘I realise that,’ answered Denise.
‘I would expect you to embrace being a girl in everything you do and say, and even in your choice of reading matter, and the films you watch,’ said Samantha.
‘So you want me to trade in my blue toothbrush for a pink one?’ said Denise smiling.
‘Yes, that's right. I want to live with someone who enjoys being a girl and is happy to discuss clothes, makeup and her boyfriends with me.’
‘I should be in a position to satisfy you on the first two criteria after I have gained a little more experience, but as to the third I'll make no promises,’ said Denise.
‘Alright then, two out of three will do for now, especially as I don’t have a boyfriend myself at present. We'll have to work on the third .’
‘In that case, if we're offered the work, I should like to move in to Jane’s room, for the weekly rent that we've discussed,’ said Denise.
‘Alright, but before you do so you will have to find somewhere else to store Denis’s belongings until you have need of them again,’ said Samantha.
‘We may of course be jumping the gun and there may not be any offer of work. Let's see what they decide to do at the end of today and, if necessary, I'll make arrangements to move,’ said Denise.
‘I'll keep my fingers crossed for us both’ said Samantha.
‘So will I,’ said Denise.
‘How were the shots from this morning?’ asked Samantha as they returned from lunch.
‘As far as I am concerned they were mostly successful but it will be up to Helen to decide whether they're good enough to put up on the new web site,’ answered Sue.
The photo shoot continued for a further two hours in the afternoon but this time they were able to make more progress. At last Sue declared herself satisfied with what they had achieved and invited the two models to change back into their own clothes. Between them they had modelled more than twenty different outfits, with a dozen or more shots taken of each one.
‘Samantha, I'm afraid that Helen isn't back yet, and so we'll have to telephone you at home this evening if we would like you to come in next week. In the meanwhile we've arranged to pay a fee and your expenses for today’s work,’ said Sue.
‘What are you planning to do now Denise?’ asked Samantha.
‘I will now have to change back so that I can go home tonight, as my landlady will be arriving home any time now. I should also warn you that I'll be Denis at work tomorrow, but I will do my best to ensure that we do not meet.’
‘In that case I'd best leave you now, but I'll keep my fingers crossed for us both,’ she said.
‘Good luck,’ said Denise as she kissed her friend on the cheek.
‘You too,’ whispered Samantha.
Helen arrived to have a look at the results at about 5.00 pm, whilst Denise was busy changing herself back into Denis. Sue had downloaded all the pictures, selected and edited a few dozen of the best ones and inserted them into an electronic album. She then projected them on to a screen in Helen’s office.
‘What do you think?’ she asked her employer.
‘These are very good indeed, especially those of Denise, which are quite remarkable given what we know about her origins.’
‘Yes she looks totally female, even close up, although we may need to pull in her waist a little for some of the shots and give her a little more padding around the hips. Her facial expression is good though. In fact she seems to have a natural flair for the work.’
‘How about Samantha?’ asked Helen.
‘Her body shape is better but she's more self-conscious, although I suspect that will disappear with a little more practice. In my opinion both of them look like professional models,’ said Sue.
‘On the basis of your experience today, how much is it likely to cost the business and how long will the process take, if we go ahead with the plan to enhance the website?’ said Helen.
‘I estimate that if you used me as a the photographer and employed those two, rather than professional models, we could complete the job and mount the catalogue for about thirty thousand pounds over a period of 3-4 months. That is assuming that you employ Samantha for three months and will also pay both Denis/Denise and myself a 7% bonus on top of our current salaries.’
‘Will they both be available for that period?’
‘If we were to start work on Monday you will have three months before Samantha needs to go back to university in mid September. Denise is already on your staff, although she may ask for some leave during the summer. If necessary we can ensure that all of Samantha’s solo shots and the shots of the two of them together are completed first and then finish off using Denise alone afterwards.’
‘The next question is whether Denis will be prepared to work as a woman for such an extended period?’
‘I get the impression he's coming round to the idea and would be quite enthusiastic about the prospect, but you'll have to verify this with him first. It would be disastrous if either of them pulled out half way through. I suppose you could always make the payment of his bonus dependent upon his completing a minimum of three months.’
‘Alright then, let us have a word with them both.’
Denis was just about to leave work, with a bag containing the clothes and wig worn by Denise that day, when Helen asked him to come up to her office. Sue was already there.
‘Tell me what you think of these Denis?’ she asked him, projecting a slideshow of pictures of Denise onto her office wall.
‘She looks very attractive, I could almost fancy her myself,’ he said laughing.
‘Sue thinks that I should offer her a job as a model, what do you think Denis?’
‘I agree with Sue, in fact I believe that you found yourself two very good models today,’ he replied.
‘Maybe so, but before I make any offer I need to be sure that I can rely upon her,’ she said.
‘What do you mean?’
‘I need to know whether you are likely to get fed up with changing into Denise every morning and will want to give up after a few weeks?’ she said seriously.
He thought for a moment.
‘Yes, it would soon become intolerable if I had to change from Denis into Denise every morning before going to work and back again afterwards. Even spending the whole week as Denise would be a pain. However, if you do offer me the work, it is my intention to remain living as Denise full-time until the job is finished’ he answered.
‘Are you sure about that? You do you realise that the work may take at least three months to complete.’
‘Yes I know,’ he replied. ‘I've given the matter quite a lot of thought over the last few days. I'd be willing to live as Denise for a sustained period of time, so long as I have a job to go to and somewhere to live.’
‘I am not saying that you will not be able to take an occasional day’s leave but I would not want you to take an extended period away.’
‘Don’t worry, I've no holiday booked and no plans for the summer,’ he answered.
‘We may also need you to spend some time fulfilling your existing duties to help mount the web site, during that period.’
‘So long as you pay me, I will do whatever you want’ he answered.
‘So what will you do about your living accommodation if you were living as a woman? I was under the impression that was the main stumbling block.’
‘Samantha has offered to let me rent Jane’s old bedroom in her flat, it will be vacant from Saturday.’
‘What about the weekends?’ asked Helen.
Denis shrugged, ‘I guess I’ll spend some time catching up with my everyday chores and also I will have to learn how to amuse myself as a young woman,’ he answered.
Sue joined in the conversation at this point.
‘It would make life a lot easier from my point of view, because we could get started almost as soon as you arrived at work. Also, if you were willing to live full-time as Denise, there would be no reason why we should not attach extensions to your hair once again and make a more permanent job with your finger nails. We could likewise attach your breast forms and the padding of your hips a little more securely’ she added.
‘As long as these appendages look fairly natural and I'm able to remove them at the end of my period of employment without too much pain, I won't object’ answered Denis.
‘In that case I'm happy to offer you a job as a model. It will be for thirteen weeks in the first instance. I will continue to pay your existing monthly salary plus 5%, but upon successful completion of the whole period I will also pay you a bonus of £1,000.’
‘Thank you, that is very generous. I'll be happy to accept your offer.’
Helen and Sue both gave him a hug.
‘Will you also be employing Samantha?’ asked Denis.
‘Yes, I'll telephone her this evening to make arrangements. We'd like you both to start work on Monday morning. Is there any way that we could sort out your hair and appendages before then?’
‘I'll need to talk to my landlady this evening and then arrange to move in with Samantha. I'll let you know the arrangements tomorrow. Oh, there is one other thing though, when I do move in to my new flat, may I store Denis’s clothes in one of the store rooms at work as Samantha refuses to let me keep them in her house?’
‘Yes of course, I'll be happy to store them for you,’ said Helen, ‘so long as I keep them under lock and key.’
(Next time Denise says goodbye to Angela and gets ready to leave home.)
Book 2 Chapter 7
She’s leaving home
‘Good afternoon Denis, I haven’t seen you around much recently, what can I do for you?’ she asked.
‘Mrs Clarke, I've been offered a new job and some new accommodation on the other side of London. How much notice will you need before I vacate my room?’
Her answer took him by surprise.
‘I see. Has this got something to do with your working as a female impersonator?’ she asked.
‘How did you know about that?’ he responded blushing.
‘I was showing some prospective tenants round the house the other day and I noticed the female clothes and makeup in your room.’
‘I'm not at all happy about you showing people my room without warning me first,’ he said angrily.
She realised that perhaps she had over-stepped the mark.
‘I'm sorry, I should have warned you first,’ she answered, ‘but you've been away for a week recently and then disappeared again for several days without warning me. I'd no idea when you were coming back.’
‘Alright, but I sill need to know how much notice is required before I leave,’ he said coolly, now determined that he would be leaving, come what may.
‘When would you like to move out?’ she asked in a conciliatory voice.
‘My employers want me to begin the new job on Monday, so ideally it would be this coming weekend,’ he answered.
‘I am holding a deposit for four weeks rent and you've already paid me your rent until this coming weekend. The notice period in your rental agreement would be four weeks. However, I've been advertising Angela’s room, and have had several enquiries so I currently have more than one potential tenant interested in letting my rooms. If you can be clear of your room by Saturday evening and you leave it in a good condition I'll return your deposit without asking for any more notice than that,’ she answered.
‘I will need to make a few arrangements, but I think I should be able to vacate my room by Saturday afternoon. I'll confirm with you later.’
As soon as he left the room he went across to Angela’s room and knocked on her door.
‘Hello Denis, how are you today?’
‘I’m alright but that nosey cow of a landlady has been showing people my room without my permission, and as a result she now knows all about Denise,’ he said.
‘I swear to you that I haven’t said anything to her, or to anyone else, for that matter,’ she said.
‘I know, but I'm certainly not going to remain living here now.’
‘So what will you do for accommodation?’ she asked.
‘I have some good news; Denise has just been offered work as a photographic model for the next three months, and so I'm going to take up your suggestion of living as a woman full-time for the duration of the summer. I'll be moving out on Saturday along with you.’
‘That's brilliant news,’ she said looking truly delighted. ‘But where will you live?’
‘I've also been offered a room with my friend Samantha — in fact she was the other bridesmaid at the wedding last month.’
‘So she already knows all about Denise?’ said Samantha.
‘Yes, of course, in fact she only knows me as Denise.’
‘You had better come in and tell me all about it.’
Denis was about to do as she said, but then Angela had a change of heart.
‘Wait a minute, if Mrs Clarke now knows all about Denise, there's no reason for you to have to dress as Denis in the house any more. Why don’t you go and get changed again?’
‘But I have only just changed back two hours ago. In fact I've been living as Denise ever since we had the meal last week.’
‘In that case it shouldn’t take you long to change back again,’ she said. ‘If you're planning to spend the summer as a girl, you might as well begin as soon as possible.’
He was about to protest, but Angela continued.
‘Please agree, this will be my last free evening in the UK, as I'll be saying farewell to my colleagues tomorrow and packing on Friday. If you were to get changed now, we could go out for a drink together to celebrate your new job.’
He sighed and then shrugged his shoulders.
‘Alright then, call round to my room in an hour. I'll become Denise again tonight for your sake, but I'll have to change back again afterwards as I have a lot to arrange and do before I move out.’’
Denis returned to his room and hurriedly took off his clothes and selected one of the dresses and some underwear given to him by Angela. He inserted Jane’s breast forms into a bra but did not seek to stick them down. He put on his wig, some makeup and inserted a pair of earrings to become Denise once again. She was just putting the finishing touches to her appearance when Angela knocked at the door.
‘Come in, I'm not quite ready yet,’ she said. ‘I've had to do everything in a hurry.’
‘No problem, I can wait.’
‘Unfortunately I'm still not very good at fixing my finger nails, and feel rather self-conscious as a woman without them.’
‘I don’t think you need worry for this evening, your hands don't strike me as being particularly manly in appearance, and we're only going out for a drink, not entering you for a beauty pageant,’ said Angela.
‘OK then but I'll be happier next week when I can have proper manicured nail extensions,’ she replied.
‘You really are taking this new role seriously’ said Angela.
‘Yes, if I'm going to do it then I'll do it properly.’
‘So you are now happy to live as Denise full-time?’
‘I think so. I've been seriously thinking about things ever since our conversation on Friday evening, and then the offer of a new room followed by another offer of a new job both came along out of the blue.
‘Will you have enough clothes to wear as Denise?’
‘I'ill probably have to buy myself one or two more summer dresses this weekend as the clothes you've given me are for winter and it'll be quite warm working in the studio.’
‘I can help you there, I've organised my packing and still have a couple of cotton summer dresses left over which simply will not fit in my case. You're welcome to have them.’
‘I can’t accept anything more from you. You've already given me masses of clothes’
‘Of course you can, since I suggested you spending some time living as Denise, the least I can do is to make sure you've enough clothes to wear. I know exactly what I'll be wearing over the next three days and I won't have time to take them to a charity shop. If you won't take them, I'll have to put them in the dustbin,’ she answered.
Denise sighed.
‘Alright then, but I insist on paying for the drinks tonight.’
‘Fine! Now take that dress off and I'll go and get you another to try on,’ she said.
She returned a few minutes later carrying two light summer dresses and a pair of open-toed sandals. Denise quickly tried them on and decided to wear a light blue cotton dress.
‘The colour suits you; now take those tights off and we'll quickly put some nail varnish on your toes, and you can wear these sandals.’
Denise did as she was told and Angela helped her to paint her toes bright red.
‘Does my hair look alright?’ asked Denise as they were waiting for her toes to dry.’
‘Yes of course and so does your makeup, now come on, let’s get going,’ said Angela.
The pair went out to a nearby public house. Denise paid for the drinks but asked Angela to go to the bar and buy them as she was still feeling a little self-conscious about her finger nails. Angela ordered them each a gin and tonic. They found a quiet corner and sat down. Denise proceeded to tell her friend all about her weekend followed by the circumstances of the photo shoot, and the subsequent offer of employment as a model.
‘That is really wonderful news Denise. Things are really working out for you now,’ said Angela.
‘It is almost as if everyone is conspiring against Denis.’
‘No, think of it rather as them conspiring to help Denise to fulfill her potential. Don’t try and pretend that you don’t like the idea of working as a model, I can see that you are delighted with the prospect.’
‘I suppose I was quite flattered by the offer of such work, but I'm also quite nervous as to how I will get on.’
‘I don't think you need to worry, they clearly approve of Denise at your office.’
‘Yes it was my colleagues who originally suggested the idea and ever since everyone seems to have been looking for excuses to help me stay as Denise rather than change back to Denis.’
‘There must be a good reason for that, something in your character or demeanour,’ commented Angela.
Denise didn't respond, but seemed lost in thought. Angela therefore decided to change the subject.
‘So when will you be moving your belongings to your friend’s house?’ she asked.
‘I should be able to move in sometime after Samantha’s sister moves out on Saturday. I've provisionally agreed with Mrs Clarke to move out of my room by Saturday afternoon. However, before I am allowed to move in, I need to leave all of Denis’s clothes in the storeroom at work and then get changed into Denise.’
‘So why is it so essential for you to change back into Denis before the coming weekend? Why don't you remain as you are now that everyone knows?’ asked Angela.
Denise thought for a few moments.
‘Now that you come to mention it, there isn't any real reason now that I no longer care what Mrs Clarke thinks about me. In fact, I can see several advantages to my going in to work tomorrow and Friday as Denise. They would then be able to sort out my hair and finger nails for me before the weekend rather than first thing on Monday morning.’
‘Good! So that is settled, you can stay as you are for the foreseeable future’ said Angela.
‘Until next September,’ answered Denise.
'Unfortunately I won't be here to check up on that,' replied Samantha.
Denise’s mobile phone rang and she excused herself for a moment. The ring tone had told her that the call was from Samantha.
‘Hi Sam, have you heard anything yet?’
‘Yes, Helen telephoned me earlier and I've just been talking to Jane and Sue. Isn’t it wonderful news! It will be the ideal summer job for both of us.’
‘So it looks like we will be living and working together for the next three months,’ said Denise.
‘Good, I think we'll have a lot of fun together,’ said Samantha, ‘but there is just one small point, Sue wants me to call in to the office tomorrow. If I do so, am I likely to run into Denis? I really would prefer not to meet him if I can avoid it.’
‘No, there is now no danger of that at all,' replied Denise. 'Everything is now sorted and poor old Denis has been placed in cold storage for the next three months. In fact I was just about to ring you to ask if I could move in during the course of Saturday afternoon.’
‘Alright then as long as you do not mind if the room will is not perfectly clean after Jane has moved out. Jane is a neat and tidy person, but there is always some cleaning to do.’
‘Of course I won’t mind, and if necessary, I'll help you finish the cleaning on Sunday after I have moved in.’
‘In that case we can sort out all the details when we meet tomorrow. Goodbye for now. I'm looking forward to seeing you again,’ said Samantha.
Denise put away her phone and returned to her conversation with Angela. Five minutes later it rang again, this time it was Jane.
‘Denise I am so pleased about the way everything has worked out for you and Samantha, I am sure you will have a great summer living and working together.’
‘I hope so. By the way, thank you for suggesting my name to Helen, along with Samantha.’
‘Samantha’s my sister, but I had to be fair to both of my beautiful bridesmaids,’ she replied.
As Angela and Denise returned to their lodgings at the end of the evening, Mrs Clarke was standing in the corridor waiting to speak to them. She nodded to them but didn't show any signs of annoyance or disapproval.
‘Hello Mrs Clarke,’ said Denise, without a trace of embarrassment.
‘Denis, I've just been speaking to another tenant who would like to move in on Sunday. Can you confirm that you are definitely leaving on Saturday?’
‘Yes, Mrs Clarke, everything is now sorted; I've just been talking to my new landlady. I'll bring you my keys at lunchtime and will also make sure that the room is clean and undamaged,’ said Denise.
‘In that case I will give you a cheque for the return of your deposit,’ she said.
Denise smiled and was about to walk on.
‘By the way, you look very nice wearing that dress,’ said Mrs Clarke, smiling.
‘Thank you,’ said Denise, slightly surprised but pleased nevertheless.
The pair entered Angela’s room to say goodbye to one another.
‘See!, You need never have worried about what Mrs Clarke thinks in the first place,’ said Angela.
‘Yes, but I'm glad to be moving all the same, particularly as you're leaving at the same time. The place will not be the same without you popping round to moan about your fiancé,’ answered Denise laughing.
‘Thanks again for all your help in the past’, answered Angela. ‘I only wish that I'd got to know Denise a little earlier.’
Denise looked slightly awkward.
‘I wish you had as well, but thanks for all your help and encouragement recently. I'll try and pop in to wish you luck on Saturday morning.’
‘I'll be leaving for the airport very early on Saturday morning. Why not pop by on Friday evening, when I'll be doing my last-minute packing,’ said Angela.
‘Alright, I'll see you at about 8.00pm but I won't be able to stay for long as I'll have to finish my own packing.’
‘There is one thing I would ask of you though, Denise.’
‘What's that?’
‘I never did get to see you wearing your bridesmaid’s outfit, would you mind modelling it for me on Friday so that I can take away memories of you as a lovely young woman.’
Denise smiled, ‘I suppose I can’t really refuse after everything you've done for me over the last few weeks. Alright I'll put on bridesmaid’s dress and put my hair up especially for you.’
‘Thanks’, said Angela giving her a kiss on the cheek. ‘I’ll see you on Friday evening’.
Before going to bed, Denise carefully washed all of Denis’s soiled clothes in her sink, ready to pack them away as soon as they were dry. She then washed and styled her wig, leaving it on a polystyrene wig block to dry. She looked at herself in the mirror still wearing the summer dress but now without long hair. There was no doubt she looked better with the longer hair, but she still looked quite passable as a female with her own hair. In a few weeks time it would have grown long enough to be able to style and she would have no further need of artificial aids.
Finally she undressed herself, removed her makeup, showered and checked her arms and legs carefully for any signs of bodily hair before putting on a nightdress and getting into bed. She lay awake for some time thinking about the past and her future. It was only a month since she had been persuaded to put on a dress for the first time, and, here she was with a complete female wardrobe. Five weeks ago Denis thought of himself as a non-descript, non-entity. Next week, Denise would be embarking on a three month spell working as an attractive young woman modelling beautiful clothes — the centre of everyone’s attention. There were lots of attractive girls who'd love to be in her shoes. How dramatically life had changed in just a few weeks! Had she been the victim of a conspiracy by her workmates and Samantha? Yes, up to a point, but there were other women such as Alison or Angela, who had also encouraged her —so there must be some unconscious message she was conveying. Had she been forced into her present situation against her will? She knew in her heart that this was not true — in many respects she'd welcomed the encouragement, the scheming, and even the mild coercion she had received from her friends. It gave her confidence that what she was about to do was right for her.
As she lay in bed thinking it occurred to her that she had probably just passed a milestone without even realising it. She would not now be spending any more time as Denis for the whole summer. It was both a frightening prospect but also quite an exciting one. She had a new job, new accommodation and a number of new friends since she became Denise. The only cloud on the horizon was that some time she would have to explain her present situation to her sister and her mother.
Thursday morning was warm and sunny once again as Denise woke up early feeling pleased with herself, and with the world. She put on the blue cotton dress that she had worn the night before, and her wig and makeup. As it was so warm and her legs still felt smooth after having defuzzed them at the weekend, she decided to go without tights or stockings. She also wore the open-toed sandals rather than her usual high heeled shoes, since these would show off her newly painted toenails. For the journey into work she also wore a pink lightweight linen jacket and a white shoulder bag.
‘Good morning Denise you look very summery in that outfit,’ said Sarah cheerfully as she arrived at work a little earlier than normal.
‘Thank you,’ Denise answered smiling. ‘You always look good when you come to work.’
Sarah smiled in return, and Denise reflected that Denis would have been too awkward to exchange such compliments, even in the unlikely event that someone might comment on his appearance. She also recalled that the bus driver had been equally cheerful and friendly to her that morning. Was it due to the weather, or what she'd chosen to wear that day, or were people just more friendly with young women than they were with men?
‘Nobody told me that we were expecting to see you in work again today — does that mean you received some good news yesterday?’ asked Sarah. ‘I had to leave before there was any announcement.’
‘Yes, Helen has asked me and Jane’s sister, Samantha, to be the models for the new Internet version of the catalogue. The job is not just for a few days, as I first thought, but for three months. I'm afraid you will be seeing quite a bit more of Denise over the next few weeks,’ she answered both smiling and blushing at the same time.
Sarah did not seem at all surprised by the news, in fact no secrets ever lasted more than a few minutes in Helen’s office.
‘Well done!’ she said looking genuinely pleased, and giving her colleague a hug. ‘I'm sure we'll all enjoy working with you both. By the way, does the fact that you have come in to work dressed as Denise this morning mean that you've sorted out things with your landlady?’
‘Yes, in a way it does. My landlady has now seen me dressed as Denise, but I've also been offered Jane’s old room in Samantha’s flat. I'll be moving in this weekend, so I shall be living entirely as Denise for the next three months,’ she answered, still blushing a little.
‘Oh that is good news! Mary and I had a £10 bet with one another just before Jane’s wedding about how long it would take for Jane and Sue to persuade you to dress as a woman full-time. I guessed that you would be living as Denise, full-time, in less than six weeks. Mary said it would be between six weeks and three months before they persuaded you,’ said Sarah triumphantly.
‘So I have been the victim of a been a conspiracy.’
‘Perhaps, but only a gentle one, to help you find happiness.’
Denise was not sure what to make of Sarah’s comment, and so she returned the conversation to their bet.
‘Supposing neither of you had been right?’
‘In that case we agreed to give our stake money to charity, but between us we thought we were on to a sure thing — you always seem to be so much more relaxed and cheerful whenever you are Denise.’
‘Exactly how did you define “living full-time?”’ asked Denise, ‘I've only been contracted to work for three months until the new catalogue is finished. Maybe you should wait for a while before collecting your winnings.’
‘Alright then, but if you're still dressed as Denise one day after those three months are up, I will be claiming my money!’ said Sarah, ‘and I'm still very confident of winning.’
‘If I am still working as Denise after 21st September, I'll pay both of you £10,’ she said laughing.
Helen and Sue arrived at that point and both seemed surprised to see Denise rather than Denis. Sue, in particular, seemed delighted to see her.
‘All the arrangements are now sorted out at home. I've spoken to my landlady and shall be moving to my new accommodation on Saturday. I can start modelling for you on Monday and you won’t be seeing Denis again at work for some time to come,’ she said.
‘That’s good news’ said Sue. Turning to Helen she asked ‘How about Samantha?’
‘I spoke to her last night. She's very pleased with the offer and can also start on Monday. She'll be coming in later this morning to discuss the arrangements. Would you be free at about 11.30 to speak to her?’ answered Helen.
‘Yes by all means,’ she replied.
‘In that case may I also see her briefly after she has spoken to you to discuss arrangements for moving in to Jane’s room?’
‘Alright but before we go any further, may I have a word with you in private Denise?’
‘Yes of course,’ she replied, and followed her into the office.
‘I have been thinking about things last night, and although I still want to go ahead with your idea for the web catalogue, I am not sure that employing you as a model is such a good idea.’
(Next time Denise makes the last few arrangements to begin her new life.)
Book 2 Chapter 8
Moving house
Having just dropped her bombshell of withdrawing the job offer, Helen tried to explain the reason for her change of mind.
‘I'm sure you'd do a good job, but it isn't fair on you. I suspect that your colleagues may have pushed you into doing something against your will, as they did for Jane’s wedding. I got a little carried away with the idea of beginning work on the catalogue as well. On reflection, we didn't really think about your feelings.’
‘Helen, I haven't been forced into doing anything against my will,’ said Denise, in alarm. ‘The prospect of working as your model is the most exciting thing that has happened to me. I was flattered to be thought to be as attractive as Jane or her sister, and capable of modelling clothes.’
‘But you'd have to spend so much time dressed as a woman?’
‘That's one of the attractions of the job.'
‘Denise this isn't a game; it is my business. If you started working as a model I'd expect you to see it through to the end, and I couldn't allow your situation to distract your colleagues from their duties.’
‘I know, and I've already promised that I won't let you down. As to being a distraction, once we get started, I would do my best to act and hope to be treated exactly like my colleagues.’
Helen sighed.
‘Wouldn’t you like some more time to think about it?’
‘I've been thinking about nothing else since you first mentioned the possibility of a job on Monday afternoon. I've already arranged to leave my flat move in with Samantha, so, whether you employ me as a model or not, I shall be coming in to work as Denise for the summer,’ she replied in a determined voice.
‘There has been a change of character, Denis wouldn't have stood his ground in this way,’ thought Helen to herself, before answering her young colleague.
‘Alright, if you're quite sure. Your colleagues may help you to get ready but from Monday onwards you'll be treated as any other female employee. We'll have to keep Denis on the books, but in all other respects you will be treated as Denise.'
‘Thank you, that's what I would like to happen,’ said Denise with relief in her voice.
‘How will you move your belongings on Saturday?’
‘I'll order a taxi for a couple of journeys,’ said Denise.
‘Would you like me to drive you? My car has a lot of luggage capacity with the rear seats folded down,’ said Helen.
‘Thank you, that would be ideal,’ answered Denise. ‘Now, if I may I'd now like to begin getting ready as soon as possible.’
'Go on then,' said Helen, smiling.
‘What was that all about?’ asked Sue.
‘Nothing; just some last-minute arrangements. When can we make a start fixing my breasts and hair extensions?’ answered Denise.
‘Once Jane has got over her morning sickness, she can fix your breast forms properly; she's better at it than me. You'll then be able to show a bit of your cleavage,’ she said laughing.’
‘Thanks, I'll feel more confident when my boobs are fixed properly,’ said Denise blushing.
Sue then turned to address Sarah.
‘Would you be able to attach this young lady’s hair extensions once again? Helen has agreed that it will be alright for you to do so,’ she said.
‘I went to a lot of trouble with them in May and then she took them off after only nine days,’ Sarah replied.
‘This time she has promised to keep them for as long as they last, so we'll get more than our money’s worth from your efforts,’ said Sue.
‘Alright, I’ll make a start on her hair now.'
'Good, Jane can fix her boobs when she comes in and I'll be able to sort out her nail extensions after I’ve seen Samantha,’ said Sue.
‘I'll be cleaning my room this evening, so there might be a danger of damaging my new nails,’ said Denise.
‘Alright I won’t fix your nails until tomorrow, but you'll have to take care with them when you move to Samantha’s flat.’
By midday Denise was again getting used to having a full-head of shoulder-length hair, and just over an hour later it was properly cut, styled and put up in rollers.
‘I'll take them out and brush it for you before you leave work this afternoon, but you should also try and roll it up by yourself again tonight, as I've shown you,’ said Sarah.
‘I’ll do my best,’ answered Denise.
‘I’ll give you some rollers and a hairnet to take home for tonight, but if you're serious about learning how to style your hair you should invest in some tongs and heated rollers.’
'I'll get some this weekend.'
Samantha kept her appointment with Sue and had word with Denise afterwards. Denise could not go out with her hair in rollers, so Samantha agreed to get some coffee and sandwiches at so they could discuss the arrangements for the move over lunch.
‘Jane and Simon will collect her belongings from the flat on Saturday morning. Her room is already pretty clean, but I'll clean it during the afternoon and you're welcome to move in any time thereafter.’
‘I'll ask Sue if I can spend the afternoon at her flat as I'll be leaving my present room at lunchtime.’
‘Simon has offered to help you move your belongings as soon as they've moved out. He can collect you from Sue’s flat.’
‘Thanks, let me know by phone when I'm to expect him,’ said Denise.
‘I could also ask my cousin John to come down for the weekend and help, he's been asking about you.’
‘No thanks, I can carry my own cases up to the room,’ said Denise.
‘Alright, but you'll have to think about dating sometime, you won't be able to stay celibate for ever.’
Jane chatted happily as Denise lay on a couch to allow her to fix the Velcro strips onto her chest before gluing on each of the breast forms.
‘So you want these attached securely?’ she asked.
‘Yes please, they're not as comfortable when they're just inserted into a bra and I'm always worried that they might shift if I moved suddenly.’
‘Who helped you with them whilst I was away?’ she asked.
‘Sue, but I'm afraid one of them came unstuck after the first couple of days.’
‘Don’t worry, this time they should be good for a month or more.’
‘They were a little painful to remove after the first time you stuck them on for me,’ said Denise.
‘That’s how it's supposed to be,’ she replied.
‘Supposing my mother or my sister should suddenly decide to visit me? What will I do then?’
‘Leave town?’ suggested Jane.
‘Great!’ said Denise, with a note of sarcasm.
‘If there is any likelihood of them coming then perhaps the time has come to let them know how you are intending to live your life.’
‘I don’t think it's likely, but I’ll have to think how to break the news to them just in case.’
‘Don’t leave it for too long; it'll be better if they find out from you rather than in some other way,’ she said.
‘How do they feel?’ asked Jane when she had finished.
‘Fine, they feel as if they're a part of me.’
‘They certainly look like the real thing, but it's your responsibility to hide the joins with foundation.’
Sarah came back at about four to take out the rollers from her hair and brush it into its new style. When she was finished Sue and Jane came in to admire her handiwork.
‘You look lovely once again but be sure to wear rubber gloves when cleaning your flat tonight, it's time you began taking care of your hands,’ said Sue.
That evening Denise packed Denis’ clothing into a couple of cardboard boxes, except for an old pair of his jeans and a tee shirt which she put on over her female underclothing. These were more practical than a dress for cleaning the flat. She'd also bought herself a head scarf and a pair of rubber gloves on the way home. She proceeded to clean her flat thoroughly as she didn't want to give any reason for Mrs Clarke to withhold the deposit. She now felt slightly self-conscious and uncomfortable wearing clothes that had been designed for a man, and which she'd first worn as Denis. She resolved to buy herself a pair of ladies jeans and a top for the move on Saturday. Once she'd finished cleaning she changed into a housecoat, and dumped Denis’ jeans and tee shirt in the bin. From this point onwards there would be no further trace of Denis for the entire summer.
Having to deal with her long hair meant that it took Denise an extra twenty minutes to get herself ready on Friday morning. However, she was becoming increasingly competent at putting on makeup and deciding which clothes to wear. On this occasion she chose a dress with a low cut neck so as to show off her new breasts. As she left her room she passed two of the other occupants of the house in earnest conversation with Mrs Clarke. She smiled and wished them all a good morning. They acknowledged her greeting whilst seeming to scrutinize her so she assumed that everyone in the house now knew all about Denise.
Sarah asked to inspect Denise’s hair, and after a few minor adjustments pronounced herself satisfied with her protégé’s efforts.
‘You'll need to wash and condition your hair at least once a week and brush it several times each day. Above all, you need to check that it is looking alright whenever you have the opportunity. Do you have a hand mirror?’
‘Yes, I've been told to check my makeup regularly as well,’ answered Denise.
‘Good, you are getting the idea of what is involved in living as a woman. I shall be checking up on you from time to time to make sure that you don't let your standards slip.’
‘Alright, I promise to do my best but I'm saying goodbye to my friend this evening and have promised to dress in my bridesmaid’s outfit for her. Would you be willing to pin up my hair for me this afternoon, in the style that I had it at Jane’s wedding?’ asked Denise.
‘Alright, bring me a picture of how it looked and come and see me at about four o’clock. However, in future you must learn to do it by yourself,’ she answered.
During the morning Sue provided Denise with some padding to enhance her hips and bottom, but this could only be worn successfully under a pair of control briefs. These had the additional advantage of holding in her stomach and keeping her penis and testicles tucked away between her legs so they would not be visible even if she were wearing tight clothes. It was uncomfortable at first but she gradually got used to the arrangement. Sue also fixed some new acrylic extensions to her finger nails.
‘These are rather long and will hinder my typing or working around the home,’ said Denise.
‘Don’t worry; you'll soon get used to having longer nails and they'll make you more conscious about how you use your hands,’ she said.
Sue, had previously shown her how to paint her nails, and so by lunchtime she once again possessed shapely manicured hands.
During her lunch break she went out to buy herself a pair of ladies' jeans and a pink tee shirt with a kitten motive. She no longer had any concern about been recognised, and tried on a couple of pairs before making her choice. On the way back she passed a jewellery shop, and on the spur of the moment she had her ear lopes pierced for a second time and gold studs inserted. She also noticed a pair of stylish sunglasses in the window of a shop and went ahead and bought them for herself.
As promised, Sarah put up her hair for her, and by the end of Friday afternoon Denise was again looking and feeling as good as she had done three weeks before. Shortly before leaving work she called in to Helen’s office to let her know about the preparations.
‘I must say Denise that you look lovely again today,’ said Helen. ‘I gather from Sue that all is now set for you to begin work first thing on Monday.’
‘Thank you!’ answered Denise smiling, ‘but a lot is due to the efforts of your staff.’
‘Alright but from now on there can be no more of your colleagues’ work time lost in helping you to change backwards and forwards between Denis and Denise.’
‘I realise that, and I'm committed to spending the next three months as a girl.’
‘I'll treat you exactly as if you were any other employee, and will expect everyone else to do the same.
‘Alright, that's fine by me.’
‘So what about your arrangements for moving house?’
Denise returned to her room without any of her neighbours seeing her, having picked up a bunch of flowers to use as a bouquet on the way home from work. She changed out of her work clothes and carefully packed them away in a suitcase ready for the move. She then removed her makeup and took a shower, taking great care to protect her hair. After drying herself she put on the underclothes given to her for the wedding, and sat down at a dressing table for an hour putting on her makeup and jewellery and checking that her hair was still alright. Inserting the pearl earrings and fixing the pendant was a little more difficult with longer finger nails, but gradually she got used to them. By seven-thirty she was once again dressed in her bridesmaid’s outfit, and holding her bouquet of flowers. After a last minute check in the mirror she made her way to Angela’s flat.
‘Good Grief! You look wonderful,’ said Angela as she opened the door, ‘far more impressive than the photographs.'
‘Thank you,’ said Denise blushing. 'Is my bow straight?'
Angela laughed.
‘Yes, it's fine. Will you be my bridesmaid when I get married?’
‘That rather depends on when and where the ceremony takes place, I don’t think that I would be able to get a passport as Denise.’
The two chatted for half an hour and Angela took a series of photographs of them both using the timer on her digital camera. Then it was time for Denise to go. They hugged one another but Angela refrained from kissing her on the cheek so as not to spoil her makeup.
‘Thanks again for all the clothes and for your encouragement. I hope all goes well for you in Singapore.’
‘You are most welcome to the clothes, and I hope you enjoy your summer living and working as a girl. Please keep in touch by email and let me know how you get on.’
‘I have my own email account as Denise,’ she said writing down the address for her friend.
‘Good! I won’t now have to explain why I am emailing someone called Denis,’ she said smiling.
Helen arrived at the agreed time on Saturday. Denise was dressed in her new jeans and pink tee shirt, with a minimum of makeup and two pairs of ear studs. Nevertheless, with her long hair, breasts, and painted finger nails she still looked very feminine. She helped Helen to load two boxes of clothes and a third containing Denis’ other belongings into the back of the car. Helen then drove off with all the evidence of the young man's existence apart from his bank switch card. Denise returned to packing her own things. Helen returned at 11.45, and, after a coffee together, they loaded a further two suitcases and a cardboard box. Denise checked that everything was in order and went to find Mrs Clarke. After a brief inspection, she pronounced herself satisfied with the state of the room and handed over a cheque for the return of the deposit.
‘Good luck with your new job and your new accommodation,’ she said. Denise smiled and thanked her. Just before 1.00 pm Helen and Denise drove off leaving her flat and her old life behind.
Denise spent the afternoon with Sue and Alison until she received a phone call at about 5.00pm warning that Jane and her husband were on their way with a van to collect her.
‘Can we come with you to see your new flat and help you to move in?’ asked Alison.
‘Alright, but be careful to make no reference to Denis or to my biological sex, Jane’s husband only knows me as Denise. In fact it would be preferable if you would forget that Denis ever existed.’
‘That’s fine by me,’ said Alison, ‘I've only ever known you as Denise.
‘Me too,’ said Sue, ‘I’ve quite forgotten what Denis was like.
Simon and Jane didn't stop after unloading the van since Denise had plenty of helpers to carry the boxes upstairs.
‘What do you think of the room?’ she asked of Sue and Alison.
‘It is a nice room but the furnishings are rather girlie”,’ commented the latter.
‘They were chosen by my sister who's a great fan of frills and flounces,’ answered Samantha, ‘but the room is comfortably furnished and will suit Denise as she settles into her new role.’
‘I'll have to live with them for the time being as my own bedclothes were for a single bed,’ said Denise ‘but I'll now have access to a kitchen and living room, and will be sharing with a good friend.’
The group began the process of unpacking the boxes and putting away her clothes.
‘Denise you seem to have acquired quite an extensive wardrobe,’ commented Alison.
‘Most of them are second hand. Once I've gained a little more experience about what suits me, I want to go out shopping for myself’ answered Denise.
‘I'd be happy to go with you and offer advice sometime, if you want,’ said Alison.
Denise thanked her, thinking that it would be nice to have one female friend who was not connected with her work.
By 8.00pm the move was complete and she was fully installed in her new flat. Denise offered to pay for a Chinese meal for everyone to thank them for their efforts and sent Sue and Alison off with some money to choose the dishes. Samantha was likewise dispatched to buy some wine. In the meanwhile she changed into a dress and put on some makeup. Half an hour later she was sitting with her friends.
‘I think we should drink to the success of your new modelling career,’ said Alison addressing both Denise and Samantha.
‘Alright, but let us also include the photographer as well,’ said Denise.
Samantha then poured another drink for everyone.
‘I think we should drink to Denise’s new life as a full-time woman - long may it continue.’
Sue and Alison repeated the toast and sipped their wine. Denise blushed but after a second or two repeated, ‘long may it continue’.
(Next time Denise settles in to her new life and meets an old friend.)
Book 3 Chapter 1
A new job, and an invitation to lunch
Sunday 20th June was the last day of spring. The following day would be the beginning of summer; the day on which Denise and Samantha were due to embark upon their new job.
Denise was the first to wake in the house on the Sunday morning. There were no sounds coming from the other bedroom, so she took a shower and thought about getting dressed. By now, she'd lost most of her self-consciousness and had gained in confidence, particularly when she was with Samantha, and so put on the jeans she'd worn the previous day, together with a plain pink cotton blouse. She quickly styled her hair and put on a little makeup and a pair of earrings, without giving it a great deal more thought than most other women would. There was still no sign of her flatmate at nine a.m., so she put on the coffee pot, made herself some toast and started to read one of Samantha’s fashion magazines. She planned to spend the day quietly, getting used to her new surroundings, and to her new way of life. She had stayed in the flat for a few days prior to Jane’s wedding and so knew her way around and where Samantha kept most things, but she felt that she needed some time to settle in and to get used to the idea of living as a woman full-time.
‘Good morning Denise, did you sleep alright?’ asked Samantha, when she eventually emerged from her room at about ten o’clock.
‘Yes thanks, that double bed is really comfortable, even if the colour scheme and furnishings are rather girly for my taste.’
‘I'm afraid it's your taste that's going to have to change, my dear. “Girly” is exactly what you need at present. You'll just have to forget about your unfeminine former self,' said Samantha.
‘Yes, I suppose so, I'll do my best,’ answered Denise smiling.
‘I'll be on the lookout for any lingering traces of masculinity so we can root them out,’ added her friend smiling mischievously.
‘Remember that it's only a month since I put on a dress for the first time, and already here I am reading one of your fashion magazines.’
‘Good girl,’ she answered, smiling.
Denise smiled and continued reading.
‘Have you finished sorting out your room yet?’ asked Samantha.
‘I'm almost done. There are just a few things left for me to unpack and put away, and then I'll stow my suitcases in your loft.
‘In that case, as soon as you're finished unpacking why don’t we go out for lunch together?’ she asked.
‘I was intending to take things easy today and not do very much.
‘That’s ok, I was only planning to go round the corner to Shepherd’s Bush Green; there would be no need for you to get dressed up especially.’
‘Alright then, I suppose going out for lunch should be alright.’
Over lunch they made various arrangements as to how they would live together. They drew up a rota for the cleaning duties and decided which expenses would be shared. Samantha was by nature a clean and tidy person, and so Denise expressed her determination to be a good tenant and to play her full part in the housework. As a rule, Saturday mornings would be devoted to keeping the house clean and tidy, although the arrangement could be flexible if either of them was invited out or went away for the weekend. Afterwards they went to a supermarket, and Denise offered to cook them both an evening meal.
Both girls washed their hair after dinner and helped one another to put it in rollers. They then gave one another facials and manicured their nails ready for work the following morning.
‘How are your ear piercings?’ asked Samantha.
‘The original ones are fine now, I can put in and takeout earrings without any trouble. The studs are a little sore and are still healing, so I'll only remove them if Sue asks me to.’
‘They aren't very noticeable, I shouldn’t think they'll be a problem tomorrow. Have you decided what to wear for work?’.
‘No, not yet. Sue suggested that we should wear something fairly simple to the office, and not to go too heavy on the makeup as she wants to begin with a fresh canvas,’ said Denise. ‘But I don’t want to travel in to work tomorrow morning looking like a bloke.’
‘I don’t think you need to worry about that my dear. I've never seen you dressed as a guy, but I can’t imagine that you ever made a very convincing one. Now that you have your boobs, long hair, lacquered finger nails and a girl’s voice nobody could possibly mistake you, even if you were wearing Denis’s old clothes,’ said Samantha.
‘Thanks for the re-assurance about my appearance, but what makes you think I have done anything to change my voice?’
‘Oh sorry! I've never met Denis and so I just assumed that he had a deeper voice.’
‘No, it has always been like this. Puberty never really seemed to have as profound an effect on me as other boys.’
‘Well that explains why you are now able to present as such an attractive young woman,’ said Samantha.
‘You certainly know how to boost Denise’s confidence, but I'm not so sure about Denis’s.’
‘I'm not concerned about Denis; it is Denise that is my friend.’
The first day in their new job arrived and by the end of the afternoon all concerned felt that things had gone pretty well. The two new models travelled in together on the train and then a bus, arriving in good time to get ready for the shoot. Sue supervised their makeup, but she quickly found that they understood what was required and could help one another. Helen and Sue had also done a lot of pre-planning as to what outfits and co-ordinating accessories would be photographed and in what order, so everything was waiting for them to change into. Sarah and Mary helped them to get changed and returned everything to the stores afterwards. As soon as each outfit was done, Sue would pass on the memory card from her camera to Helen, who would download the images onto a computer and, together with Jane, would choose which ones were to be used. Jane would then crop or adjust them as necessary. In the meanwhile Denise and Samantha would get changed into the next outfit and get themselves ready, whilst Sue prepared for each series of shots.
The team made so much progress that by 3.15 pm they had photographed all of the clothes scheduled for that day, and the models were able to change back into their own clothes. Samantha joined Sarah and Mary to help them to prepare for the next day, whilst Denise was asked to help Helen to upload the images to the new website.
‘These photos are very good, highlighting the clothes as opposed to the models. Sue is a talented photographer,’ commented Denise as she checked through them.
‘The models are good as well; attractive to look at without distracting from the clothes,’ said Helen, clearly very pleased with the way things had gone during the first day.
Denise smiled and they both continued with their respective jobs.
Over the next few days the office worked out a routine to enable the rapid photographing of the collections and gradually adding them to a web-based database, whilst also keeping up with the normal day to day work. Typically, it involved about four hours of intensive photographic modelling by Denise and Samantha, followed by a late lunch and then about three hours of performing other tasks in the afternoons. They soon got the hang of what sorts of clothes they needed to wear into work and how much makeup to put on in the morning, so as not to impede their work. Both of the new girls fitted in well with their older colleagues who in turn accepted them into the team and invited them to join in with their conversations whenever they were available. It was almost as if there never had been a young man working for the company.
By the end of each working day both models found themselves to be quite tired and so after sharing an evening meal both was happy to stay in, reading, writing letters or emails or else watching television.
After they finished the photographic session on Friday Helen asked each of her two models in to her office for a chat.
‘Sue and I have been very pleased with the way things have worked out over the last week, Denise. We've made very good progress, and if we can keep it up then we should easily have the new web site operating by the end of August. You and Samantha seem to work well together.’
‘Thank you,’ she replied. ‘In fact everyone seems to work well together. I've really enjoyed the job.’
‘How are you finding your new accommodation?’
‘So far it has been fine, the room is really comfortable. Samantha and I will have to learn to get used to one another, but there have been no problems so far,’ said Denise.
‘So are there any regrets regarding Denis?’ asked Helen.
‘None as yet, but even if there were, I'm sure we could work things out. Believe me, I'm committed to Denise for the next three months, so you don't need to worry’ she replied.
‘Good, I'm so glad you can offer me that re-assurance.’
Ten minutes later Samantha emerged from the same office having given an equally positive assessment of the situation.
Denise and Samantha continued to get on well with one another, both at home and at work. Denise ensured that she did her share of the housework and was a considerate flat mate by clearing up after herself whenever she used the kitchen or the bathroom. She also paid her rent in advance and made sure that she contributed half towards all of the expenses they incurred. As previously arranged, the Saturday morning was largely devoted to housework, and the afternoon to shopping, both for the week’s supplies but also for cosmetics.
Samantha, was not too heavy-handed with her attempts at moulding the character of her new flatmate, although she did occasionally point to some unladylike mannerism or turn of phrase. As an English literature student, she was horrified to find her new friend had never read Jane Austen, and so loaned her copies together with a list of other novels to read and films to see, in order to enhance her feminine education. Denise took it all in good part and always enjoyed her friend’s company. However she also wanted to preserve some privacy and independence. Thus when Samantha was invited out clubbing on the Saturday evening with a group of friends from her University, Denise declined to join them, although invited. She preferred to stay in and to write to her friend in Singapore.
‘I'm bound to be back late and so will probably sleep through next morning, but if you like we could have a late lunch together tomorrow,’ suggested Samantha.
‘Alright, I'll check on you at noon tomorrow to make sure you're awake’
The following morning Denise brought a cup of coffee to Samantha’s bedroom at midday and the latter was just recounting her experiences the previous night when her mobile rang. She looked at the display and took the call.
‘Hi John, it is nice to hear from you? What can I do for you today?’
She listened for a while, and then responded.
‘We were planning to go out to Shepherd’s Bush Green for lunch in about an hour, but I should think that will be alright. Let me just check with Denise.’
She held down the privacy button so that he could not hear and turned to her companion.
‘It is my cousin John, he's in London and took Jane and Simon a housewarming present yesterday and ended up staying the night with them. Now he's offering to take us both out for lunch before he drives back to Birmingham this afternoon. What do you think? Shall we accept his offer?’
‘I can’t very well say no now that you have just told him that it'll probably be alright, can I?’ said Denise.
‘Just what I thought,’ answered her friend mischievously, before speaking into the receiver again.
‘Yes John, Denise would love to have lunch with you,’ she said.
Denise blushed and decided that perhaps she ought to go and change into something a little more attractive and put on some more makeup.
Forty-five minutes later the doorbell of their flat rang. Samantha asked her friend to answer, claiming that she was still getting ready. John stood at the door carrying a large bunch of flowers.
‘Hi Denise, these are for you, to help brighten up your new room.’
Denise blushed and then thanked him.
‘So where are my flowers then?’ asked Samantha, in a jokey voice as she emerged from her room.
‘You haven’t just moved house,’ he said, by way of explanation.
‘And you don’t fancy me as much as my new housemate,’ she answered.
This time he blushed.
‘Stop teasing him,’ said Denise. ‘There are more than enough flowers here for both of our rooms.’
They divided the flowers into a pair of vases, before going out to a nearby restaurant for lunch.
‘So what brings you down to London, John?’ asked Samantha.
‘I had an interview on Friday and have been offered a job in the city. I'll be moving down here myself in a few weeks,’ he said.
‘That'll be nice; you'll be able to take us both out after work sometimes,’ she added.
Denise looked disapprovingly at her friend, but John couldn't see her expression from where he was sitting.
‘What's your new job?’ asked Denise.
‘I'm a financial analyst,’ he replied
‘So coming to London will make you much better off,’ commented Samantha.
‘Only a little bit better off to begin with, but if I perform well I 'll be due for a good bonus at the end of the year.
‘Where will you be living?’ Samantha asked him.
‘Jane and Simon have offered to let me stay for a week or two in their spare room until I can find something suitable,’ he said.
‘Don’t leave it too long before you find somewhere or else you’ll be sharing the room with their new baby.’
‘I know, but even with my new salary most flats are too expensive. I'll need to find someone to share with.’
‘I am afraid you're too late, I have captured Denise as a flatmate.’
Both John and Denise blushed at the suggestion, and he muttered something about looking for a guy to share with. Samantha got up from the table and excused herself. Denise looked up in surprise.
‘Where are you going?’ she asked.
‘I just need to pop outside for a few minutes, I promised to make an important telephone call. I'm sure you won’t mind entertaining my cousin for me for five minutes, Denise?’
She didn't wait for an answer.
There was an awkward silence for a minute with each one wondering what to say.
‘I was surprised when I heard that you'd moved in with Samantha, I rather got the impression from you that the story of Denise was coming to an end once the wedding was over,’ he said.
‘Yes, I know, and I'm sorry if I misled you,’ she answered. ‘When I last saw you I genuinely thought that was what was going to happen. However, events rather overtook my earlier plans. Your cousin’s pregnancy has meant that Samantha and I have been offered jobs as models and so it looks as if Denise will be staying with her for the next three months.’
‘Yes, Jane told me, and I'm glad,’ he said.
She blushed but didn't answer, and once again there was an awkward silence.
‘You know Denise I really enjoyed your company during Jane’s wedding reception,’ he said.
‘I had a good time too,’ she answered smiling ruefully.
‘In that case, perhaps we could go out together sometime?’ he asked tentatively.
Denise sighed.
‘I don’t know John. I like you a lot, but I'm still pretty confused about things.’
‘Yes, but if we went out together it might be one way of sorting out your confusion,’ he said, tentatively touching her hand.
She waited for a few seconds before moving her hand away from his.
‘When do you start working in London?’ she asked.
‘In three weeks time,’ he answered.
‘Please will you give me those three weeks to try and decide what I'm going to do?’ she asked. ‘I promise to make up my mind by then.’
‘Alright, but if you don't want to go out with me I'd prefer if you told me outright rather than just put me off.’
‘It is not that I don’t want to go out with you but ….’. Her voice trailed off without completing the sentence.
‘But what?’ he asked.
‘Please allow me those three weeks to make up my mind,’ she said, briefly touching his hand again with her own.
‘May I phone you in the meanwhile, just for a chat?’
‘I suppose so, as long as it is just for a chat and you don’t try to pressurize me,’ she answered.
‘No, of course I won’t,’ he replied.
‘In that case you had better take my mobile number.’
He was just entering her number into his phone when Samantha returned, she didn't say anything but looked quite pleased with herself.
John called over the waiter and paid the bill.
‘Ladies, I'm afraid that I must leave you now as I have to drive back to Birmingham. Would you like me to take you back to your flat?’
‘No thanks, it is only a short walk,’ said Denise without even consulting Samantha.
‘In that case, it was nice to see you both, and I hope to see you again fairly soon.’
With that he kissed them both on the cheek and left.
‘Well?’ said Samantha as they slowly walked home
‘Well, what?’ answered Denise.
‘Well, what happened?’
‘You deliberately dropped me in it, and then left me to fend for myself with your cousin, that’s what happened,’ said Denise with mock anger.
‘It was quite clear to me that he wasn't going to ask you out whilst I was there,’ said Samantha.
‘You didn't check with me first to see whether I was ready to go out with anyone yet.’
‘Of course not, you'd probably have said no. Whereas I am here to encourage you,’ said Samantha.
‘Alright, but please do not push things too fast,’ said Denise.
‘Sorry,’ said Samantha, ‘But since you gave him your telephone number, you must be planning to see him once again.’
‘He is your cousin and will be staying with your sister, I suppose it's quite likely that I'll see him again,’ said Denise.
‘But are you going to go out with him Denise?’
‘I'm not sure - I am still thinking about it,’ she answered smiling.
‘Alright, but don’t think about it for too long, he won’t wait for ever for you to decide.’
(Next time Denise receives a phone call that will present her with a problem.)
Book 3 Chapter 2
An unexpected arrival
Denise continued to get on well with Samantha, especially at work. She discovered that at home her new friend could be thoughtful and affectionate, but also, on occasions, self-centred and infuriating. She was growing in confidence each day and slightly resented being treated as her friend’s pet summer project. She wanted, if possible, to broaden her circle of friends and not be reliant on Samantha’s company all the time. She realised that she was being gently pushed in the direction of a friendship with John, and had not ruled out the idea, but wanted to make her own decision in her own time. Thus, when she had a call from Alison on the Wednesday, asking whether she would like to go out shopping on the coming Saturday afternoon, she was happy to accept.
John rang twice during the first two days. On each occasion Samantha was within earshot and Denise did not want her flatmate to have a running commentary on any developing friendship; so each time she sent him a busy signal. However, on the second occasion, she took pity on her would-be suitor, and disappeared to the toilet, where she sent him a text message.
Sori 2 bloc yr calls — timing bad! Wed. 9.00pm+ good time for chat ;— D
She was not sure how he would react to her suggestion, but at least she had not given him the brush-off. The date and time were chosen because she knew that Samantha would be out with her university friends once again. As before, Denise had been invited, and even urged, to go along but she declined, preferring to stay home and catch up with her laundry and other chores.
Sure enough, John rang at the suggested time on Wednesday. They had a friendly chat for half an hour or so about their respective jobs, and John’s difficulties about finding somewhere to live in London, whilst he was working out his notice in Birmingham. Denise also explained that there would be times when she would not be able to take a phone call during the day, but that Wednesday evenings would normally be a good time for them to speak.
On the Friday evening, after a second successful week’s work Samantha and Denise were sharing a curry and discussing their plans for the coming weekend when the latter’s mobile phone sounded. Denise looked at the display, frowned and sent a busy signal.
‘That's the third time you've refused a call from my cousin, he won’t wait for ever you know,’ said Samantha.
‘It wasn't from John but my elder sister, Julia. I'll call her back later.’
‘I could always go up to my room if you're likely to be discussing any family secrets,’ said Samantha, clearly curious to learn more.
‘There are no family secrets, but when I speak to her it will have to be as Denis, as she does not know anything about Denise. I promised you that I wouldn't bring Denis into your house,’ she answered.
‘Yes, I see, thank you for remembering,’ said Samantha.
A few minutes later the phone bleeped as a text message came through. Denise read it then sighed.
‘Is there a problem?’ asked Samantha.
‘It's my sister again, she says that she has been offered a job interview on Monday and will be coming up to London on Sunday night to stay for a couple of days. She wants to know whether she can sleep on my bedroom floor. Why does everyone want to come to London so suddenly?’
‘It's where the best job opportunities are, even though the cost of living is higher,’ said Samantha. ‘Where does your sister live?’
‘She rents a flat at Sprowston in Norfolk; it's a suburb of Norwich, not far from my mother’s house.’
‘I wouldn't mind if you had visitors, she could sleep on the settee or even share your double bed, as she's your sister.’
‘You're forgetting that she's expecting to come and stay with her younger brother. I think it may come as a shock for her to discover that he's currently living and working as a woman.’
‘Do you have any other brothers or sisters?’
‘No there's just the two of us. She finished college just over a year ago.’
‘Well my dear, she's going to have to find out about you some time, might it not be best to get it over and done with? You never know, she might even prefer having a younger sister to having a brother.’
Denise smiled at the thought.
‘Yes I suppose you're right. However, even if I'm able to talk Julia round, when she returns home my mother will undoubtedly ask her what I'm doing in London and so it won’t be too long before she finds out as well.’
Samantha shrugged.
‘Che sera, sera - What will be, shall be’. It's your life; It doesn't belong to your mother or your sister’.
‘Maybe, but I need to consider what will be the best way forward. If you don't mind I will go up to my room and telephone her to find out some more details.’
Half an hour later Denise came down. Samantha looked up from the novel she was reading.
‘So what's happening then?’ asked Samantha.
‘Julia is arriving at 5.00pm on Sunday, and wants me to meet her at Liverpool Street Station as she doesn't know London very well. She's been invited to look round the company offices on Monday afternoon and then she'll have her formal interview on Tuesday morning. She would therefore like to stay with us for two nights, if you don't mind.’
‘Yes of course she can stay, but have you told her about Denise yet?’
Denise sighed and looked anxious.
‘No, not yet. I couldn't think how to introduce the subject into the conversation,’ she answered in a slightly irritated voice. ‘I was too much of a coward, but I promise to do so before I bring her to the flat on Sunday evening.’
Samantha decided to leave the matter in her friend’s hands and did not press her any further on the matter. She changed the subject and they spent the rest of the evening watching television and sharing a bottle of wine.
As previously agreed, Denise and Samantha devoted their Saturday mornings to housework. They worked well together and were finished by lunchtime. Samantha then made a couple of sandwiches for them.
‘Will you be coming home for dinner tonight, or eating with Sue and Alison?’ she asked.
‘I believe Sue is away this weekend, and I'm not sure what Alison is planning to do afterwards. Perhaps it would be better if we agreed to fend for ourselves for dinner tonight,’ she answered.
‘That suits me; I've promised to visit the newlyweds in their new house and will probably be invited to stay for dinner.’
Samantha made a brief call to Jane and then said, ‘I’ll see you later then Denise. Don’t worry if I'm not home until late tonight, in fact if we have something to drink I may even spend the night there, whilst they still have a spare room.’
Denise enjoyed the shopping trip with Alison and helped her to choose a new outfit to wear at work, as well as buying various cosmetics and a new handbag for herself. She always enjoyed Alison’s down-to-earth conversation, and now felt flattered that she should take note of her opinion. In fact Denise was gradually developing a flair for choosing clothes and accessories that went well together, derived from her experiences at work. At about four pm they stopped to have a coffee, and Denise used the opportunity to tell her friend about the proposed visit of her sister the next day.
‘So what are you planning to do when she arrives tomorrow and finds that her little brother has been transformed into an attractive young woman?’ asked Alison.
Denise thought for a moment before answering.
‘I suppose I'll have to tell her the story of the last few weeks. I don't really have any alternative, but I'm not really looking forward to doing so.’
‘It may not be as difficult as you imagine, once she has gotten over the surprise. You look and act so naturally as a girl that she may even have suspected something already,’ said Alison.
Denise blushed.
‘I don’t think so. I'd never dressed as a girl before that weekend in May when I met you.’
‘What do you think will be her reaction when she meets you?’
‘I don’t know; we've never been particularly close, she had her own friends,’ answered Denise shrugging.
‘And you?’
‘I had my own acquaintances’, answered Denise sadly.
‘Well the next couple of days might be a good opportunity for you both to get to know one another better,’ said Alison, wanting to lighten the tone of the conversation.
‘Maybe, but I'm also concerned about what she's going to say to my mum afterwards.’
‘You never know, she could be a useful ally to you in the future.’
‘That is what Samantha said. But do you think I should ring her to warn her about Denise before she arrives?’
‘I don’t think so,’ answered Alison, after some thought. ‘Let her see how good you look first and then do all your explaining.’
‘What should I wear when I go to meet her?’
‘That's a typical girl’s reaction to any stressful situation,’ said Alison laughing.
Denise blushed.
‘You need to look feminine and smart at the same time, but not too girly or glamorous. You don't want to overshadow her. What is she likely to be wearing when you meet tomorrow?’
‘I'm not sure, Julia does wear dresses, but I guess she'll probably travel up to London in trousers tomorrow.’
‘It might be a good idea for you wear trousers as well, but make sure everything else about your appearance is appropriately feminine.’
‘I only have a pair of jeans, although I have been thinking about buying myself some nice trousers sometime,’ she answered.
‘In that case why don’t we get you a suitable pair now?’ suggested Alison. ‘We can then go back to your flat and choose the rest of your outfit together. When we've done that, you can bring your clothes round to my flat and stay the night. We can work out together how you'll deal with the situation. I'll also be able to ensure that you're suitably attired when you go to meet her tomorrow and that you don't run away and hide at the last minute.’
‘Won’t that get in the way of your own plans for the rest of the weekend, Alison?’
‘I don't have any particular plans since my boyfriend’s working and my flatmate’s visiting her parents.’
‘Alright then, thank you for your offer’ said Denise.
The following afternoon Denise and Alison were waiting at Liverpool Street as Julia’s train pulled in to the platform. Julia had earlier sent a text message to confirm the train she was on, and a reply had been sent to say that she would be met at the station. Denise was wearing a light blue trouser suit over a white silk camisole top which they had bought the previous afternoon. The top was sufficiently low cut to show a hint of her cleavage, which was complemented a gold locket loaned to her by Alison, and a discrete pair of earrings together with the studs. She wore a pair of white medium heeled sling back shoes with a matching shoulder bag. Her long hair was lying loose on her shoulders. Alison had also inspected her makeup and pronounced it to be just right — neither too much nor too little.
‘Now remember the role playing that we practised last night,’ said Alison.
‘I'll do my best’ answered her friend nervously.
‘I'll stay with you until you catch sight of her coming down the platform and then move a few feet away, as if I were a stranger. If all seems to be going well between the two of you, I'll leave you to get on with it, but if she faints, has hysterics on the concourse, or tries to call the police, I'll come over and lend you a hand.’
Denise smiled.
‘I don’t think that's very likely, but thanks for all the help and your moral support this weekend, Alison.’
The passengers started to alight from the train.
‘Are you sure that I look alright?’ asked Denise nervously.
It was now Alison’s turn to smile.
‘You know perfectly well that you look great in that outfit.’
‘Alright then, I can see Julia making her way down the platform, that's her with the weekend bag and pulling the small red suitcase.’
Julia seemed to be about twenty-three years old; she was slim, casually dressed in jeans and a leather jacket, and with long brown hair.
‘She looks nice. I'm sure she'll appreciate how you look once she gets over the surprise,’ commented Alison. ‘Now good luck and remember you've nothing to be ashamed of or to apologise for. If you're able to do so, please ring me later to let me know how you get on.’
‘Yes of course, and thanks again for everything.’
Alison squeezed her friend’s hand discreetly and went and stood a few yards away.
Julia walked through the gate of the platform and on to the concourse, and looked around for her brother, in the place where he said he would be waiting. She could see no sign of him. By now most of the passengers alighting from her train had left, and those who would soon join it were in the centre of the concourse waiting to be called. There were only a few individuals scattered around where she was standing. She didn't notice a rather nervous looking, but quite attractive young woman in a blue suit walk towards her, until she actually spoke.
‘Hello Julia, I am Denise and have come to meet you.’
There seemed to be something familiar about the girl, especially her voice, but for a moment Julia could not place it.
‘I was expecting to meet my brother, where is he?’ she asked in a puzzled voice.
‘I am afraid Denis isn't going to be around for a few weeks, but I'll be taking his place,’ said Denise, blushing slightly.
‘I don’t understand, I spoke to him on the phone yesterday, and he sent me a text message just over an hour ago,’ she said anxiously.
‘So you still don't recognise me then?’ asked Denise smiling weakly.
‘I recognise your voice, but I cannot place ….’ she paused for a moment before continuing. ‘Denis is it you?’ she asked incredulously.
Denise did her best to remain calm, quickly checking to make sure that there were not any people overhearing their conversation.
‘No, it's Denise when I am dressed like this and Denis at other times,’ she answered.
Julia looked flabbergasted.
‘But what are you doing dressed as a woman, Denis?’ asked Julia, clearly still in a state of shock.
Denise didn't find it too hard to take control of the situation.
‘Let's go somewhere quiet and get ourselves a cup of coffee and I'll explain to you everything, but you must first promise to address me as Denise otherwise it will get really embarrassing for us both,’ she said firmly.
‘Alright then,’ answered Julia, meekly.
Denise offered to carry her weekend bag, but let her sister continue with the wheeled suit case. As she did so, she caught sight of Alison smile at her and then turn and walk towards the exit of the station.
(Next time Julia has to come to terms with having a new sister.)
Book 3 Chapter 3
Julia’s new sister
‘Now, I think you've some explaining to do young man,’ she said severely.
‘Do I look like a young man?’ asked Denise a little sharply.
‘No, in fact I must admit that you look like a pretty young woman,’ answered her sister in a more conciliatory tone.
‘Thank you! In that case, please do me the courtesy of addressing me as such,’ said Denise, once again growing in confidence. ‘I am dressed the way I am because I have recently obtained a job which involves me modelling female clothes for an internet catalogue.’
Julia looked surprised both by the confident tone and the content of the answer.
‘But why were you chosen? There must have been hundreds of female models available for that sort of work?’ she said.
‘There were several reasons,’ answered Denise. ‘It was partly because I was already working for the firm and had helped them to set up the catalogue, partly because I wouldn't cost them nearly as much as a professional model, but it was mainly because they knew I'd do a good job.’
‘But it is Sunday today, and you're not working now, so why are you dressed the way you are?’
‘It takes a lot of time and expense to change Denis into Denise, or vice versa. It would not be practicable for me to do so every day. In any event I'm now sharing a flat with a photographic model. She wouldn't have been willing to share with Denis, but is happy to do so with Denise.’
‘So are you living as Denise full-time then?’
‘Well yes, at least I am for the next three months,’ she replied.
Julia was about to reply but their coffees arrived at that moment and it took a little time before the waitress was out of earshot once again.
‘I think you had better tell me the whole story, from the beginning; how I have lost a brother and gained a sister,’ she said.
The next half hour was spent relating the events of the last seven weeks beginning with the hen party, the wedding, Angela’s departure and how she had managed to acquire an entire wardrobe of female clothes, the new job offer and her move into Samantha’s flat. Julia then looked through a number of recent photographs of her sister, both at the wedding and also of her working as a photographic model
‘Wow! I must say that you look wonderful as Denise in these photographs, I would never have guessed that those pictures were not of a girl. I'm quite jealous of your looks.’
‘Thanks!’ answered Denise, blushing a little, but nevertheless feeling quite pleased with her sister’s reaction.
‘So you acted as a bridesmaid at a posh wedding without anyone realising,’ she said looking through the pictures.
‘Not exactly, the bride, the other bridesmaid and their cousin all knew, together with a couple of my workmates who were guests, but that is all. I don’t think anyone else realised,’ she added.
‘So what will happen once the modelling job has finished?’
Denise shrugged.
‘I don’t know; nothing I have done is irreversible so I can always go back to being Denis; but then I'll have to find somewhere else to live.’
‘Hm. I'm not sure that I'm happy about the way that your workmates have been ganging up on you to force you into dressing as a woman all the time.’
‘Nobody has ganged up on me — perhaps there was a little pressure exerted on me to fill in as Jane’s bridesmaid, but nothing since the wedding. I'm dressed the way I am because it is far more convenient for me to do so, both at home and at work.’
‘Is that really the only reason?’ she asked.
‘No, I suppose it is also because I enjoy dressing and acting as a woman,’ admitted Denise blushing.
‘So it would seem.’
There was silence for a few minutes whilst Julia took in what her new sister had just said. Denise seemed to be embarrassed and yet defiant.
‘But what about relationships, how will you ever find a girl friend if you dress like that?’ asked Julia.
‘Denis never had a girl friend, whereas Denise has lots of female friends.’
‘That is not quite the same thing. Are you gay?’
‘Denis was painfully shy rather than gay.’
‘Hm!’ said Julia sounding unconvinced. ‘What about Denise, she does not seem to be so shy?’
‘I just don’t know. I enjoy women’s company, but they only seem to take notice of me if I am one of them.’
‘Maybe,’ said Julia, still sounding unconvinced. ‘I can’t imagine many girls fancying you dressed the way you are, but I'm sure there would be plenty of men who might do so.’
‘My flatmate’s cousin has asked me out a couple of times, and he knows all about me.’
‘So tell me about it,’ she demanded.
‘We met at her sister’s wedding and danced together. He has asked me out but I've put him off for a couple of weeks until he moves up to London.’
‘And then what?’
‘If he asks me again, I expect I may go out with him.’
‘And then what?’
‘I don’t know, we'll have to see what happens.’
Julia did not answer for a while as she assimilated the information given to her. When she did speak it was on another tack.
Does mum know about all this?’
‘No, not yet, I was hoping to enlist your help in breaking the news to her. We'll have to be careful and break it to her gently.’
‘So now you want me to fight your battles for you,’ she replied sharply.
‘No, not really, but I could do with a little sisterly support,’ answered Denise, colouring.
Julia softened her stance, even to the extent of addressing her new sister by her adopted name.
‘Denise, you'll have to give me a little time to digest the news first; it's been quite a shock to me as well.’
‘Yes of course Julia, I understand. So are you still happy to stay with me?’
‘Where will I sleep tonight?’
‘At the flat I share in Shepherd’s Bush. ‘That is as long as you don't mind staying with your sister rather than your brother’
Julia smiled.
‘I don’t appear to have much choice.’
‘There is one thing though, Samantha, my new housemate has never met Denis and knows nothing about his background. We would both prefer to keep it that way. So when you come to stay with us please can you treat me as if I have always been your sister when we are in her company?’
‘Alright, I will do my best.’
‘In that case I just have to go to the ladies and then we'll find a tube train.’
Whilst she was in the cubicle, Denise sent a text message to Alison confirming that all was well so far, and promising to call when she got a chance. She also rang Samantha to find out her whereabouts and discovered that she'd recently returned to their flat.
‘I am on my way to the flat with my sister. Have you eaten yet?’
‘Not yet.’
‘In that case we'll bring a take away meal home with us.’
‘Thanks. How did you get on with your sister?’ asked Samantha
‘So far so good. When we arrive please treat her as if she and I have always been sisters, and that she never had a brother.’
‘Yes of course, that would be easier all round’.
Before they sat down to eat Denise took Julia up to her room so she could leave her cases.
‘Wow Denise, this is a comfortable room, but the pink frills are a little over powering.’
‘I didn't choose the décor, it was here when I moved in a fortnight ago,’ she answered blushing.
‘Where do I sleep?’
‘You can either sleep on the couch downstairs in a sleeping bag on my floor, or else share the double bed with me if you like?’
‘I’ll share with you as long as you promise not to snore.’
Julia did her best to keep to her word, regarding Denise’s background, at least when she was in Samantha’s company. She restricted any further comments or questions to those times when they were alone. As a result the three of them seemed to get on quite well together. Denise and Samantha spoke about their work and Julia described the job she was applying for. Denise therefore felt able to excuse herself for twenty minutes to go and telephone Alison and tell her all about her meeting with Julia.
‘So she is now totally accepting of you’ said Alison.
‘I wouldn't say that, but she is at least making an effort, and has not freaked out so far.’
‘Well that's a good start, and I'm sure she will begin to enjoy having a sister once she gets used to the idea.’
‘I hope so, we'll have to see how it goes.’
At last at about 10.00 pm the three girls decided it was time to get themselves ready for bed.
‘What time do you need to leave tomorrow?’ Denise asked her sister.
‘There's no urgency I don't have to be there until after lunch.’
‘Denise and I will have to leave for work at about 8.00am, but you are welcome to make yourself some breakfast and get ready in your own time’ said Samantha.
‘Thanks.’
‘You really have become quite an expert at dressing as a woman,’ commented Julia, as she watched her sister sit at the dressing table, remove her makeup and put her hair into rollers for the night.
‘Yes I suppose I have, but making sure that I look good is also a way of bolstering my confidence as a woman. Believe me, it took some courage for me to face you as Denise this afternoon’ she answered.
Julia smiled and put her hand on her sister’s bare shoulder.
‘Yes, I suppose so, but I'm glad you did,’ she said.
The following morning Denise and Samantha were both up washed, dressed, and had eaten some breakfast before Julia had even got out of bed. Denise called in just as she was leaving for work.
‘Good luck for this afternoon’ she said.
‘Thanks, but today is only preliminary, to get an idea whether I like the look of them and they like the look of me. The formal interviews will take place tomorrow morning,’ answered Julia.
‘Well good luck, just the same. I'll telephone you this afternoon to see how you got on.’
‘Alright then, Sis, and I’ll see you this evening,’ answered Julia.
Denise smiled at the reference to her, and left for work.
It was another busy day at work for the two models and it was not until 4.00pm after they had changed back into their own clothes when Denise had a chance to ring her sister.
‘Hi Denise!’, she responded.
‘How did you get on this afternoon?’ she asked.
‘I've my interview at midday tomorrow.’ answered Julia without saying anything more.
‘But would you like the job if it is offered to you?’
‘Oh yes! The work would be great, if I were to get it, my ideal job in fact. There are several other good candidates though,’ said Julia.
‘Do you think you might stand a chance?’
‘I've all the necessary qualifications and experience that they are asking for so it will just be a question of my impressing the interview panel tomorrow. The problem is that I always turn into a nervous wreck before job interviews. I also now wish I'd brought something a little smarter with me to wear as there seems to be a smart dress code in the office.’
‘What sort of thing would you be looking for?’
‘Everyone in the office was wearing a suit. Some of the girls were wearing trouser suits, and others had skirts and they were all wearing makeup,’ she said.
‘Perhaps I could loan you something suitable to wear to your interview’ said Denise.
‘Are you likely to have something that would suit me?’
‘Possibly, you remember I told you about my friend Angela who gave me a whole load of her work clothes. She was about the same size as the two of us. You'd be welcome to have a look through my wardrobe to see if anything suits you.’
‘Wow! Borrowing my interview outfit from my little brother — that really would be a tale for my girlfriends,’ laughed Julia.
‘Hey, what is it with ‘little brother’ complained Denise. ‘Remember it was “sis” this morning.’
‘I am sorry Denise, I was forgetting my promise to you. If you'd been standing in front of me rather than speaking on the telephone I wouldn't have made the same mistake.’
Before she left work that evening, Denise had a word with Sue to ask her whether she might take the following day as leave, so that she could help her sister to get ready for the interview and also offer her some moral support.
‘I don’t think there would be a problem from my point of view,’ answered Sue. I can easily reschedule tomorrow’s session so that we only use Samantha. We're going to need several days of her working on her own before she leaves us in September. We'll have plenty of time to make use of you on your own in late September after she has left us.’
‘So do you think my modelling job might continue after the three months are complete?’ said Denise.
‘I can’t speak for Helen, but I'd imagine so, at least in some part-time capacity,’ she answered. ‘We should have completed the backlog by the end of September, but we're getting in new clothes all the time and the website will need to be kept up to date. With Jane planning to take maternity leave you'll be the obvious candidate for the job.’
‘I hadn't thought of that.’
‘There probably won't be enough work to employ a full-time model’ said Denise.
‘No but it might also be combined with a part-time post of webmaster, or perhaps I should I say webmistress.’
‘But Jane will be able to do any modelling necessary when she comes back’ answered Denise.
‘We’ll see, but in the meanwhile don't get anxious if I sometimes use Samantha more than I do you. I think you both make excellent models.’
Samantha stopped off on her way home to do some shopping, but Denise returned to the flat to prepare their meal. She found Julia waiting for her.
‘Rather than cook this evening, I'd like to buy us all a take-away meal, as a thank you for letting me stay,’ suggested Julia.
‘Alright then, Samantha likes to eat Chinese food,’ said Denise, taking a menu out of a drawer, ‘but we'd better wait for her to return before ordering anything. They don’t deliver, but we can order in advance and I don’t mind going to collect the food. In the meanwhile come and have a look through my wardrobe for something suitable for you to wear tomorrow.’
As she went through Denise’s now considerable collection of smart clothes, Julia told her sister all about the job. She was clearly interested in the post, but equally worried about the forthcoming interview.
‘Julia, would you like me to take a day off tomorrow to come and offer you some moral support until your interview?’ asked Denise
‘That's really kind and thoughtful of you. If you really didn't mind coming along, I should appreciate your company.’
‘Well that's settled then.’
Julia chose a dark red two-piece suite with matching handbag and shoes, and a pink silk blouse, which she tried on and fitted her well.
‘You're welcome to borrow them, I never have need to wear anything quite so formal,’ said Denise.
‘Me neither, as a rule, but thank you for loaning them to me. I'll now feel much more confident about the interview tomorrow.’
Samantha arrived home at that point, and she expressed her approval of the outfit.
‘I have a matching necklace and pair of earrings that would go well with that outfit, if you would like to borrow them’ said Samantha.
‘Yes please,’ answered Julia.
The three proceeded to choose their dishes and Denise left them to go and fetch the order. Julia changed back into the clothes that she'd been wearing before joining Samantha in the lounge. It was inevitable that the conversation would turn to the only person the two of them knew in common.
‘Samantha, was it you who first gave my brother the idea of dressing as a girl?’
‘No, it was my sister Jane’s idea. ‘I've never met your brother, I’ve only ever known Denise. Does it trouble you?’
‘I don’t know — it ought to do so, but Denise seems to be such a kind and contended person, whereas my former brother was awkward and morose.’
‘I admit that it was me who first suggested her as a bridesmaid, but at the time I genuinely thought Denise was a girl. Later, when I discovered the truth about her I did perhaps exert a little pressure on her to help us out, but I was always under the impression that she was enjoying herself in the role. Certainly during the six weeks since the Wedding no-one has tried to force her into anything. I've always made it clear that I regard Denise as a good friend, and I'd prefer not to complicate that friendship by meeting Denis. However, she chose to take the job as a model, and she chose to give up her former accommodation and come and share the flat with me.’
‘I just wonder where it will all lead to eventually,’ said Julia.
‘Yes I can understand your worries, but that is something for Denise to work out for herself. It is her life to live as she wishes.’
‘It is strange, I always wished for a younger sister rather than a brother, and Denise seems to have turned into just the kind of sister I'd have liked. So why should I be so concerned?’
‘You described your sister a few minutes ago as a kind and contented person, isn’t that enough?’
‘Yes, it is enough to satisfy me, but I'll soon have to try and explain the situation to her mother.’
‘Good luck.’
Soon afterwards Denise returned with the food and the conversation turned to other matters.
(Next time Julia has her interview and Denise has to make some important decisions.)
Book 3 Chapter 4
The interview
‘I have to leave for work now, but good luck Julia, I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed for you at about midday,’ she said. ‘I hope to see you again in London some time.’
‘I hope so too. Many thanks for everything, and for keeping an eye on my little sister! I'll make sure that your necklace and earrings are returned before I leave this afternoon.’
Julia and Denise took it in turns to have a shower and afterwards enjoyed a quick breakfast of cereal. Julia then decided it was time for her to get herself ready as she wanted to be in plenty of time for the interview.
‘Would you like me to help you with your hair and makeup?’ asked Denise.
Julia seemed a little surprised by the offer and hesitated before answering, so her sister continued.
‘Don’t forget I've gained a fair amount of experience as a hair and makeup artist over the last few weeks. Samantha and I usually help one another when we're working together and I've never had any complaints from her.’
‘In that case, thanks very much.’
At 11.30 the two girls were sitting in a coffee bar near to Waterloo Station, a few yards from the venue for Julia’s interview. Both of them were dressed smartly. Denise was wearing one of her blue summer dresses and white sandals. Julia looked immaculate in her dark red business suit, with her hair up.
‘Will you know the result of your interview straight away?’ asked Denise.
‘No, not quite. There'll be one more candidate to interview after me; after that they'll make their decision over lunch. They've asked all the candidates to remain in the vicinity of their office until about 2.15 pm so that they can recall the successful one,’ said Julia.
‘In that case I may as well wait here for you. When you've finished we can find somewhere nice and quiet to have lunch together,’ said Denise.
‘I'm not sure that I'll feel like eating after the interview, but we'll see,’ said Julia.
‘Good luck, Julia, and remember that you look fabulous in that outfit.’
Julia smiled.
‘Thanks for everything, Denise, it's been great having you as my sister and providing me with moral support,’ said Julia kissing her on the cheek.
‘Be careful not to spoil your make-up,’ said Denise laughing. ‘It took me ages to get it looking just right this morning.’
‘If I get the job, you'll have to give me a few makeup lessons,’ said Julia laughing.
‘It'll be my pleasure.’
Denise watched as her sister left the café and entered a nearby office block. She then turned her attention to a fashion magazine, which she'd purchased earlier that day. A few minutes later her mobile telephone rang. She looked down at the caller display and an involuntary feeling of pleasure came over her as she noticed that it was John calling.
‘Hello John! What can I do for you today?’ she asked in a businesslike, but friendly manner.
‘Hi Denise! I was speaking to Jane at work and she told me that you'd taken the day off, so I thought I'd ring.’
‘Yes, my sister’s in London for a job interview and so I'm keeping her company. She's having her interview at this moment.’
‘I didn’t know you had a sister,’ he said. ‘Does she know?’
‘Yes, of course, I told her when she arrived on Sunday’
‘And is she alright about everything?’
‘Yes, so far, thank you.’
‘Good. In that case I'd better not keep you talking for too long, but I have to come down to central London on business tomorrow and wondered whether I could have lunch with you.’
‘I thought we'd agreed to leave things until after you'd moved to London,’ she said.
‘I agreed that I would not ask you out on a date, but that's not the same thing as meeting for lunch is it?’
He sounded a little disappointed by her reaction, and Denise felt a little sorry for him.
‘No, I suppose not, but I'm afraid we only get half an hour at lunchtime and so I tend to have a coffee and sandwich with Samantha. Couldn’t the three of us meet up together for something to eat after work?’
‘Sorry, but I'll need to drive back at 3.00 pm.’
‘In that case, I'm sorry, John, but I'll have to turn you down this time, but thanks for asking me,’ she said trying to sound positive.
‘No problem,’ he answered, and then hesitated for a moment before continuing. ‘So may I ring you again in a fortnight after I have moved up?’
‘Yes, I should like you to do that,’ she replied.
‘Great, I'll speak to you then, so goodbye for now, I hope your sister gets her job,’ he answered this time sounding much happier.
'So do I'.
‘Oh dear, I wonder what I've let myself in for now,’ she thought as she put her phone away in her handbag.
Denise ordered herself another coffee and returned to reading her magazine, periodically looking for any sign of her sister. She had now been in her interview for more than thirty minutes. Was that a good sign? At last, after another fifteen minutes or so, she caught sight of Julia leaving the entrance to the office, so she left the café to meet her half way.
‘How did it go?’ she asked.
‘OK, I think. They were quite friendly and seemed to be interested in what I was saying, but I was feeling pretty nervous,’ answered Julia.
‘Did you answer all their questions?’
‘Yes, I believe so, and I was able to put over a few suggestions of my own, as well.’
‘Well that sounds quite promising.’
‘I hope so. We'll just have to see this afternoon.’
Denise looked at her watch, it was 12.50.
‘So what would you like to do for the next hour and a half?’ she asked.
‘I'm not feeling hungry, and I wouldn’t be able to walk very far in these shoes, so shall we just sit down by the river and talk about something to take my mind off the interview?’ said Julia.
‘Of course, I'll do anything I can to be of assistance.
The two girls walked slowly to the Jubilee Gardens where they found an empty seat by the riverside facing Westminster Bridge and the Houses of Parliament.
‘So Julia, what would you like us to talk about whilst we wait for the dreaded telephone call?’
‘How about you and your future?’ suggested Julia.
‘Alright then: at the moment I'm feeling very happy and fulfilled with my life. In fact, I cannot remember a time when I have felt happier. However, I've no idea what will happen come the autumn when my job finishes.’
‘What would you like to happen in the Autumn?’
Denise sighed.
‘If I'm honest, I suppose I'd like to stay living and working as Denise, and for things to carry on pretty much as they are now.’
‘So what's stopping you from carrying on?’
‘I don’t know really. I'm sure that they would not object at work, even if there was no more modelling work for me to do. Samantha seems to be happy to have Denise as a housemate. In fact, it will be far more problematic for me when, or if, I have to return to living as Denis. I suppose the only thing that worries me is that there would no longer be any excuse for my having to live as a woman. If I continued to do so, it would be because I preferred life as Denise rather than Denis,’ she answered.
‘I think that over the last two days you've convinced me that is already the case,’ commented Julia.
Denise avoided eye-contact with her sister, but Julia could see that she had no wish to dispute the point.
‘So what do you think I should do?’ she asked.
Julia thought for a few moments before responding.
‘I think you should continue living as Denise for as long as you are happy to do so.’
‘So when should I tell mother?’
‘You should tell her as soon as possible. If you like, I'll break the news to her gently tomorrow, when I see her. I'll then call you to confirm that I've done so. You'll need to follow it up with a phone call of your own and also perhaps a letter as quickly as possible.’
‘Should I go and visit her?’
‘I suggest that you should wait and see how she reacts to the news first, and then offer to go and see her. May I take a couple of your glamorous photos of you to show to her?’
‘Yes of course.’
As they were talking Julia’s mobile phone started to ring.
‘It is too soon for it to be about the job,’ she commented as she fished for it in her handbag. She looked at the display and frowned, not recognising the number.
‘Hello, Julia Simons.’
She sat listening for a couple of minutes, before saying in a shocked voice, ‘thank you very much, I'll see you at your office in about fifteen minutes then.’
She then turned to Denise.
‘They're offering me the job. They want me to go back to the office to discuss the details of when I'm to start.’
The two sisters hugged one another and shrieked with delight.
‘Julia, that's wonderful news for you, and also for me as well as now I'll have another friend living in London.’
‘Not just a friend, we'll now be able to get to know one another as sisters. I really hope you decide to remain as Denise, I much prefer having you as a sister than as a brother.’
‘Thank you.’
‘Would you mind coming back to the office with me Denise, you would be able to wait in the foyer?’
‘I have a few things to buy in the chemists across the road, why don’t you telephone me as soon as you are finished sorting out the details of your new job and then we can meet up in that café again.’
‘Don’t tell me it is that time of the month!’ said Julia laughing.
‘Life would be a lot simpler for me if it were,’ answered Denise blushing.
When the two girls met again at the cafe, just over an hour later, Denise handed to her sister a card offering her congratulations together with a small box of chocolates.
‘These are for you. I would have bought you a bunch of flowers but I thought they might be a problem to take home on the train with your suitcases.’
‘Thanks very much, but we'd better get moving now as I'll need to change out of these clothes at your place and then make my way home. I'll tell you all about the arrangements on the tube train back to your place.’
‘That outfit suits you and will come in useful when you start work. If you like, you're welcome to keep the clothes you are wearing, and also take another suit from my wardrobe. Angela left me more business suits than I'm ever likely to wear. In any event, now I'm beginning to get used to what suits me I'm quite looking forward to choosing some new clothes for myself.’
‘Alright then Denise, thank you very much. If you like we can go out shopping together when you come up to Norwich. However, I would still like to change for the journey home, and in any event I have to return your friend’s jewellery.’
Three hours later Denise was accompanying her sister to her train at Liverpool Street. This time she looked the smarter of the two of them.
‘Thanks once again for putting me up, for the moral support, and also for the clothes,’ said Julia. ‘I'll go round and see Mum tomorrow evening and gently try and explain your situation to her. I hope she'll be happy for both of us. In any event, I'll ring you tomorrow night to tell you how it went and we can then decide what you need to do.’
‘How do you think she's going to react to the news?’ asked Denise.
‘I’ve no idea, but I promise to do my best to make it clear that you have turned into a lovely young woman who seems to be very happy in her new life,’ she replied.
‘You'll make me cry if you aren't careful,’ said Denise, wiping a tear away. ‘Julia I'm so glad that you came to stay.’
‘Me too!’ she answered.
The two sisters embraced and Julia got on her train. Denise remained on the platform long enough to see it leave, and then walked back to the underground station to return to her flat.
‘How did your sister get on with her interview yesterday Denise?’ asked Sue, as she was setting up the studio lights ready for the day’s photography the following morning.
‘She did very well indeed; in fact she's been offered a job and will start working there in September,’ answered Denise, as she was just putting the final touches to her makeup for the first session.
‘That's good. By the way, how did she react when she discovered that she had acquired a new sister?’
Denise shrugged.
‘She was certainly a little shocked to begin with, but by the end of her stay I believe she was coming round to accepting the idea.’
‘I think it was more than that. When I spoke to her on Monday evening she told me that she'd always wanted a younger sister,’ added Samantha who was putting on a pair of earrings.
‘That was nice of her to say so. I do believe we've been closer to one another during last few days than at any time in the past.’
‘I don't think that she was looking forward to breaking the news to your mother though,’ said Samantha.
‘Well how would you react if you suddenly discovered that your only son was living and working as a girl?’ answered Denise.
Samantha shrugged.
‘I hope I would say to myself, that it is his, or rather her, life to live in whatever way she chooses, and then offer any support I could’ she answered.
‘What about you Sue?’ asked Denise
‘That's difficult to say, Denise, since I don't have any children, but I also hope that I'd be understanding and happy for her,’ replied Sue.
‘I hope you're both right. Julia will be going round to see mum this evening and will break the news to her then. She has promised to ring me afterwards. If all goes well I may even go and visit them both this weekend.’
‘In that case we’ll keep our fingers crossed for you this evening. But what about your Dad’s reaction when he finds out?’ asked Sue.
‘Mum and Dad are divorced now and he's living in Australia with a new family. I only ever hear from him at Christmas or on my birthday, so there is no great urgency for him to know.’
‘Unless, of course, you decide that the changes you have made to your lifestyle recently become permanent,’ added Samantha laughing.
‘I haven’t even thought about that,’ said Denise, blushing. ‘My vision of the future only stretches as far as next September when you go back to university.’
‘Alright then ladies, I think it is now time for us to begin our work for the day,’ said Sue, ‘but I hope all goes well between your sister and your mother this evening Denise.’
(Next time Julia has a difficult interview with her mother.)
Book 3 Chapter 5
A revelation
‘Will you be able to stay with Denis again until you find your own flat?’ she asked.
‘I'm not sure about that. It may be possible for me to stay for a night or two,’ she answered. ‘He shares a flat with a colleague from his work and they don’t have a spare bedroom, so I’ll need to find somewhere to live for myself pretty quickly.’
‘By the way, how's Denis getting on in London, he's never very forthcoming to me when we speak on the telephone?’
This was the question Julia had been dreading and now she struggled to find the right words to answer.
‘He's, er, doing quite well, and seems to be very happy, but has found himself rather an unusual job for the summer,’ she said.
‘I thought he was still working for the same company that he joined when he went up to London. The one which supplies women’s fashions to shops,’ she replied.
‘Yes, he does still work for them, and is currently helping to prepare their new online catalogue,’ replied Julia.
‘So what does he have to do that is so unusual?’
Julia hesitated then answered.
‘He's temporarily working as a photographic model.’
Ellen laughed.
‘I know mother’s are usually biased, but even I can see that he is neither tall enough nor good looking enough to work as a model,’ she said in some surprise.
‘Perhaps not, as a male model, but he's actually modelling female clothing for them, and seems to be very good at it.’
Ellen didn’t seem to take in what was said, so Julia took the opportunity to hand over several recent photographs of Denise taken at work.
‘Here, please have a look at these,’ she said.
Ellen looked through several pictures in a state of shock.
‘Are you telling me that these are pictures of my son Denis?’ she said.
‘Yes Mum,’ said Julia.
After a few moments hesitation, she added, ‘but he asks that we should refer to him as “Denise” and as “she” or "her" when, er “she”'s dressed like that.’
Ellen looked utterly shocked, and didn't answer. Julia decided that she needed to say something more.
‘Denise looks pretty good as a model, doesn’t she?’
Ellen still didn't answer, but continued to scrutinize the pictures.
‘I have to say that she was really kind and thoughtful to me when I was in London,’ continued Julia.
‘How long have you known about this?’ asked Ellen sharply.
‘I only discovered myself on Sunday afternoon, when I arrived in London. To begin with it came as quite a shock to me as well, but I've gradually got used to the idea,’ said Julia.
‘So how long has this been going on?’ she asked.
‘Only a few weeks, but she's recently been asked by them to work as a model until mid-September.’
‘How on earth did he get involved in this - modelling?’ she asked with a note of distaste.
‘I understand that Denis agreed to dress as a girl for one evening in May so that he could attend the hen night of one of his colleagues. He must have impressed his colleagues because a few days later, Denise was asked to fill in at short notice for her bridesmaid who'd broken her leg.’
As she said this she handed over some more photographs; this time of her erstwhile brother dressed as a bridesmaid.
‘But these are incredible,’ continued Ellen, still quite stunned. ‘However did he acquire the long hair, and what about those breasts?’ she said pointing to a close up portrait of Denise in her bridesmaid’s dress.’
‘She's wearing hair extensions and silicone breast forms in that picture, both of which are very convincing. She also has nail extensions that also look just like the real thing.’
‘It must take him ages to get himself ready for work each morning,’ commented Ellen.
Julia blushed.
‘No longer than it takes Samantha, the other model they're employing for the job. Her hair, breasts and the finger-nails remain in place after work each evening and at weekends.’
‘But how does he manage when he's not working?’
‘Mum, you must realise that Denise is currently living as a woman full-time. In fact it was one of the conditions of her sharing a flat with Samantha. I didn't meet Denis whilst I was in London.’
Ellen stared at the pictures.
‘He has pierced his ears as well.’
‘Yes, I know, she's had a second set of piercings since this picture was taken.’
‘And where did all these clothes come from?’
‘I understand she was given quite a number of women’s clothes by a girl friend who was emigrating to Singapore, and others have been provided by her work. I think she may have bought some of her own as well.’
Ellen took in a sharp intake of breath.
‘Julia, I wish you would stop referring to your brother as if he were a woman. I don’t know what he thinks he is doing, but I'm certainly not going to condone it, and will tell him so when I see him,’ she said fretfully.
‘My so-called brother now looks, sounds and even acts like an attractive young woman, and she seems to be very happy with her new life,’ replied Julia in a determined voice.
Ellen didn't reply, but continued looking through the photos absently. A tear started to run down her cheek. Julia placed her hand on her mother’s arm to stop her from flicking through the pictures.
‘Mum, like you I was shocked at first, but she's now an adult and has the right to choose how she spends her life. As I said, Denise has been very kind to me over the last few days and it has been good to discover that I now have a sister living in London. I hope she 'll remain as Denise for as long as she wishes to do so. In the meanwhile, the least I can do is to address her as she chooses,’ said Julia in a gentle yet determined voice.
Ellen’s anger subsided, and she started to cry.
‘Does that mean I've lost my son?’
‘I don’t really know Mum,’ said Julia embracing her mother. ‘Perhaps you have, but if so, then you've also gained a lovely younger daughter, if you choose to accept her as such.’
‘Julia, this has been such a shock to me, I don’t know what I should do. Should I speak to her on the telephone?’
‘No. You'll need a little time to digest the news, and then I'd suggest that you should meet Denise in the flesh and judge her for yourself,’ said Julia. ‘I know that she's also anxious to see you and would be willing to come up to Norwich this coming weekend, if you're willing to see her, but please don’t expect her to change back into Denis for the visit or whilst she's here.’
‘I don’t know. Whatever will the neighbours say if they see my son arriving at my house dressed like that?’ she said pointing to one photograph of Denise looking quite glamorous in an evening dress.
‘Mum, the photographs that I've shown you are either specially posed shots, or else were taken at a wedding. Most of the time my sister looks and dresses just like a normal and attractive young woman. I doubt if your neighbours would even recognise her as Denis, and even if they did do — so what?’
‘It's all very well for you to say that but I'll have to live here among them after you've both gone to London.’
‘Mum, if you're really so worried about what they think then she can always stay with me in my flat at Sprowston and we'll meet you somewhere on neutral territory,’ said Julia.
‘I'm not sure how I am going to react when we meet. I won't even know how to address him or her. I would be bound to get upset,’ said Ellenor.
‘If you like I'll be there as well when you meet her, to give you some moral support. However, please don’t expect me to take your side if you start to make unreasonable demands. If she comes to Norwich it will be as your daughter, Denise, and not as your son, Denis. You must accept that, or else it'll be better that she doesn't come,’ said Julia.
Her mother paused in thought for a while.
‘Alright, maybe we can meet somewhere in Norwich and take it from there.’
‘I've promised to telephone her later to tell her how I got on when I spoke to you this evening. I'll suggest to her that she comes up to Norwich after work on Friday evening.’
Denise was not surprised, although inevitably a little disappointed to hear of her mother’s initial reaction to the news, when she spoke to Julia later on Wednesday night.
‘Do you think I should come home on Friday evening?’ she asked.
‘Yes, I think so, but I'm afraid you'll have to stay with me rather than with mum,’ replied Julia apologetically.
‘Oh!’ said Denise, and the disappointment in her voice was apparent from that one syllable.
Her mother didn't want her to come to her house, although she'd plenty of spare room, one of which still contained some of Denis’s belongings. Instead, she'd have to sleep on Julia’s couch.
‘Look, Denise, Mum was bound to be a little shocked by the news, but at least she has agreed to meet you,’ said Julia. ‘Once she gets to know you as a lovely young woman, she'll soon come round to accepting the idea.’
‘I hope you're right,’ she answered without enthusiasm.
‘Just give her a little time to get used to the idea, and don’t try to rush things.’
‘Alright Julia, I'll try. Thank you for acting as the go-between, it can't have been easy for you.’
‘That's alright, and I promise to help you both as much as I can this coming weekend’.
‘I’ll talk to you later when I know what time I’ll be arriving.’
Denise finished the call and felt a tear welling up in her eye. Samantha had been in the same room reading a novel when her friend had taken the call.
‘Is there anything I can do to help?’ she asked when she saw her friend was in distress.
‘Will you hold me please?’ asked Denise.
Samantha hesitated for a second, but then got out of her chair and gave her friend an affectionate hug. Denise began to cry, for the first time since she was a child.
‘Whatever is the matter, Denise?’, asked Samantha.
‘Samantha, I'm so confused about everything. I've had such a mixture of emotions these last few weeks that I don’t know whether I'm happy or sad. At least my mother knows now, but I'm so anxious about visiting Norwich this weekend.’
‘In that case, don’t go, if it's just going to upset you in this way.’
‘No, I have to go and face her. She's my mother, and I don’t want to be a disappointment to her.’
‘Yes, I suppose that now that she knows you'll have to meet her face to face.’
Denise nodded, but didn't say anything.
‘I've promised to visit my Dad this weekend, otherwise I'd offer to go with you and hold your hand,’ said Samantha, still hugging her friend.
Denise smiled through her tears.
‘No, it's all right. Julia will be there to offer me moral support.’
‘I'm glad. I liked your sister and I feel that she would be good to have as an ally.’
‘Yes, I suppose so.’
‘One of the authors we've been studying at University, Dame Julian, came from Norwich. She wrote about the importance of the role of mothers and their love. She also wrote some famous words which seem to apply to your situation,’ said Samantha, continuing to hold her friend.
‘What are they?’ asked Denise, now drying her eyes with a tissue.
‘All shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.’
‘I just hope she was right,’ said Denise.
‘Of course she was.’
The following day was Sarah’s birthday at work and Helen had brought in a cream cake and was planning an afternoon tea. Denise used the opportunity to buy her a small gift to thank her for her help over the last few weeks. The modelling work passed without untoward incident but her colleagues did notice that Denise appeared to be more pre-occupied and less cheerful than normal and guessed that it related to her mother. Once her colleagues were having tea, and after they had all congratulated Sarah, Sue encouraged Denise to relate the story of her sister’s arrival, her interview and her mother’s subsequent reaction to them all. Her colleagues listened and offered their sympathy and reassurance.
‘So what are your plans for the weekend?’ asked Sarah.
‘I hope to leave for Norwich as soon as we've finished work tomorrow and catch the 6.30 pm train from Liverpool Street.
‘Where will you be staying?’ asked Jane.
‘My sister has offered to let me stay in her bedsit because my mother is worried about what the neighbours might think if I turn up wearing a dress!’
‘But you will be meeting her?’ asked Helen.
‘Yes, Julia has arranged that she and my mother will meet me off the train at 8.30 pm and then we'll collect a take-away meal in the city centre and take it back to Julia’s bed-sit in Sprowston.’
‘Then what?’
‘I'll have to play it by ear and decide whether to return to London on Saturday morning or else stay for the whole weekend.’
‘Good luck. By the way what are you planning to wear?’ asked Jane.
‘I'm not sure. I don’t want to wear anything too girly that will get crumpled on the journey, but I don’t want to go looking like Denis either.’
‘You would have difficulty looking like Denis these days even if you wanted too,’ responded Sue. ‘But you do want to make a point and give a good first impression to your mother. Whatever you do, don’t wear trousers over the weekend.’
‘I have a stretch sateen panelled skirt and matching jacket in turquoise, which always looks good, even after a long train journey,’ said Jane, ‘you'd be welcome to borrow that if you like.’
‘OK thanks, but what would I wear with it?’ she asked.
‘How about that white bustier with the back zip and white buckle belt that your friend gave to you?’ suggested Samantha. ‘You could also wear your matching pair of high-heeled shoes and shoulder bag.’
‘Alright then, if you think they'll be ok’.
The group continued by planning her wardrobe for the entire weekend which at least took her mind off the forthcoming meeting with her mother for a while.
After work that day, Sue took pity on her young friend and invited her two models home for a meal, as Alison was planning to spend the evening at home as well. Denise therefore found herself repeating the story of the previous few days once again. However, Alison was an ideal antidote for anyone feeling depressed. She was a natural actress, and did a hilarious send-up of the meeting between Denise and her sister the previous weekend, which Denise took in good part and joined in. This was followed by an equally funny account by Samantha of her attempts to avoid the attentions of an ardent young man during her first year at university. Laughter is infectious and it did not take too long before the four of them were contributing funny stories and generally having a good time. Thus, by the time she and Samantha made their way back to Shepherd’s Bush, Denise was feeling much happier and more reconciled to dealing with whatever situation might arise over the coming weekend.
(Next time Denise and her mother have to come face to face with one another.)
by Louise Anne Smithson
Book 3 Chapter 6
A weekend visit
‘How does your skirt and jacket look on me?’ she asked Jane.
‘You look fine in them,’ she answered. ‘It's surprising how many different colours look good on you.’
‘Thanks, but it's nice to have your re-assurance nevertheless, particularly as I'm still anxious about how my mother is going to react when she sees me,’ said Denise.
‘I hope all goes well with your weekend, but don’t let yourself be bullied into doing anything against your will,’ added Jane giving her a kiss.
‘That’s a bit rich coming from the woman who strong-armed me into serving as her bridesmaid,’ said Denise laughing.
Jane blushed.
‘Yes but at the time we were desperate; and in any event, look how things have turned out for you since then,’ she answered.
‘Yes I know. But don’t worry, there's no way that I'll be coming back on Sunday as Denis, I have been having too much fun living and working as Denise.’
‘I'm glad to hear that, we're still relying on the two of you to complete the catalogue this summer,’ said Helen.
She arrived at the station in plenty of time and so went to the ladies to check that her hair and makeup were still alright. She then bought a bunch of flowers to give to her mother when she saw her, together with a magazine to read on the journey and try and take her mind off the forthcoming interview. It was odd that whereas before she'd taken hardly any interest in or notice of fashions they were now her natural choice of light reading.
As soon as the train was ready she found herself a seat and was about to put her case on to the overhead luggage rack, when she found a young man from a few seats away was offering to do it for her. With the extra couple of inches provided by her high heels she could have easily done this for herself, but she smiled sweetly and let him get on with it, only to find herself the object of sharp looks from his female travelling companion. The carriage began to fill and she soon found herself getting up to help an elderly woman put her own somewhat larger case on to the rack at the end of the carriage. It was noteworthy that none of the men in the carriage had bothered to offer to help her. There was a seat vacant next to Denise and so the woman sat there and caught her breath.
‘Thank you for your help my dear, the taxi driver put my case on to a luggage trolley for me, but there's always the problem of getting it on to the train,’ she said.
Denise smiled in acknowledgment, and asked, ‘Where are you travelling to?’
‘I'm going all the way through to Norwich, to stay with my son and his wife for a week,’ she replied.
‘Me too, I'm visiting my mother, so I should be able to help you with your case at the other end if you like.’
‘Thank you very much, that's most kind of you. My case has wheels so it will only be a question of pulling it down the platform for me, as my son will be waiting for me. At the concourse.’
These days Denise didn't have any worries about being recognised as a man in her appearance, her voice, or her general deportment. She'd already discovered that most people were far more willing to chat to a stranger who was a young woman than one who was a young man, and so it was not long before the two of them were talking happily to one another. As a result the two-hour train journey passed quickly and she had no chance to look into her magazine or worry about her reception.
Their train pulled into its destination on time and some of the passengers began to queue at the entrance to the carriage. Denise suppressed her own impatience and waited until the carriage had nearly cleared before making any move.
‘If you can carry my flowers and my handbag for me, I should be able to manage both of our cases’ she said.
‘That's very kind of you dear.’
The young man had got off at an earlier station, so she reached for her own case from the overhead luggage rack, and collected her companion’s case as she was about to exit the carriage. As they walked off the platform and on to the concourse, they first came across her mother and Julia waiting for them.
‘Hi Mum, Hi Jules, I'll just help this lady to find her son and then I'll come straight back’, she said in a very matter of fact way, as she handed her own case to Julia. Ellen didn't answer.
The elderly woman turned to Ellen and said, ‘you're lucky to have such a lovely helpful daughter.’
Ellen smiled to her in reply but didn't say anything.
Her travelling companion then caught sight of her own son and daughter-in-law, waved and pointed them out to Denise. He came over, and they met him half way when he took charge of the case. Denise said farewell and wished her an enjoyable visit, collecting her handbag and the flowers from her. A few seconds later she'd returned to rejoin her mother and sister.
‘Hello Mum,’ she said awkwardly, as she handed her the bunch of flowers. ‘It's good to see you again. These are for you.’
Denise was blushing and clearly feeling very nervous. Ellen had been preparing herself for this meeting for the last couple of days, but was still at a loss to know what to say.
‘I was intending to be very angry with you when I met you, and I still have many questions to ask, but I must say that you look nice in that outfit ... Denise,’ she said.
Then, after another moment’s hesitation she added, ‘and I'm glad to see you too.’
Denise smiled. There was a palpable release of tension, particularly after Ellen had used her new name, as she had previously been instructed to do by Julia. The pair of them proceeded to hug one another.
‘Thanks Mum, I borrowed the skirt and jacket from a girl at work.’
‘Thank you for the flowers,’ said Ellen.
‘Come on you two, we can admire her outfit later,’ said Julia starting to move towards the car park. ‘Remember that we've ordered a takeaway meal to be collected at eight forty-five.’
Denise put her suitcase in the boot of Julia’s tiny two-door car and then clambered into the back seat through the passenger door, a task made somewhat more difficult because she was wearing high-heels. As she did so she knocked her knee on the lever protruding from the front seat and laddered the tights she was wearing.
‘Damn it, does it notice?’ she asked her sister.
‘Yes I am afraid so. You see Denise, wearing smart clothes can have its disadvantages as well,’ answered Julia.
Denise blushed.
‘I just wanted to make a good impression with you both.’
‘And so you did, but don’t worry, you should be alright for this evening as we're only going to my bed-sit.’
‘I should have thought to bring a spare pair of tights with me, I’ll have to buy some more tomorrow,' said Denise fretfully.
‘In that case why don’t we change our plans and take the meal to my home, I've an unopened pair you may have,’ said Ellen.
‘But Mum, you said that you didn't want Denise to visit your house in case the neighbours saw her,’ said Julia.
‘I know, and I've been feeling guilty ever since I said it. Now that I've met her I've changed my mind,’ answered Ellen. ‘You're both welcome to come to my house with the meal and also stay the night if you wish. I'd still rather the neighbours didn't find out the whole story though, at least until I’ve had a chance to come to terms with the idea myself. If we should meet anyone I will just have to introduce Denise as my niece.’
‘That suits me,’ said Denise
‘It'll be a lot more comfortable than having her sleeping on the couch in my bed-sit for the weekend,’ said Julia.
Half an hour later, the three women arrived back at Ellen’s house bringing with them their meal, but there was no sign of any neighbours. Denise went straight away to change her tights using Denis’s former bedroom, whilst Julia and her mother laid the table and began to serve out their meal.
‘So what do you think of your new daughter mum?’ asked Julia.
Ellen sighed.
‘I suppose that Denise does look like a real girl and also acts in a most convincing manner, but there are still many questions and concerns that I have about her future,’ she answered.
‘Yes, I understand your concerns Mum but please take it easy, this weekend can’t have been very easy for her,’ said Julia.
‘Nor me!’ said Ellen.
‘In that case let why don’t we all make a particular effort to get along with one another.’
In fact the meal together and subsequent conversation over a glass of wine went far better than any of the participants had imagined. Denise was again asked to tell the story of the last two months, beginning with the hen night, her first weekend as Denise, the wedding, Angela’s emigration, her own new job and the flat shared with Samantha. At first Ellen asked some questions, but after a while she just let her daughter get on with her story. She discovered that she was soon able to relax and accept Denise in her chosen new role. She was still worried about the future but she put these to one side for the time being and enjoyed the company and conversation of her two daughters.
‘So when do you see it all ending?’ asked Ellen.
‘We're due to complete work on the catalogue by the end of September, when Samantha goes back to university,’ answered Denise.
‘So will you be changing back into Denis then?’ asked Julia.
‘Perhaps, but I'm not sure at the moment. If I do so I'll have to look for new living accommodation. All I know is that I'm currently having a great time, with good friends, somewhere nice to stay and am earning good money. I've promised my boss that I'll finish the work we have started,’ she answered. ‘I may get fed up with the life, or they may get fed up with me, but for the time being I've no intention of giving it up before I need to.’
During the course of the conversation Denise received a text message on her mobile phone. She looked at it and noticed it was from John, but didn't respond whilst she was talking to the others. Eventually Ellen and Julia started discussing the latter’s new job and so Denise sought to open her message without attracting too much attention.
‘Hi Denise, wht r u doing ths wknd?’;— D
She sent a hurried response
‘At Norwich - telling Mum abt Denise ;-o.’— D
She assumed that this would put an end to their text messages, but a minute or two later her phone bleeped once more. The others looked round. Denise blushed but was anxious to see what was in the new message.
‘Good luck hpe all gos well! No 1 cd be angry with a dghtr as luvly as u! Much luv John xx. PS I move 2 Lndn on Thurs’
She smiled to herself.
‘Thnks fr knd 4ts! Gd luck wiv move. Mst go now - luv Denise xx.'
Denise put her phone away in her handbag.
‘Who were you texting, Denise?’ asked Ellen after a while.
‘Just a guy that I met at Birmingham’ she said.
‘What's his name?’ asked Julia.
‘John; he's the cousin of my flatmate Samantha. We were sitting next to one another at her sister’s wedding reception’ replied her sister.
‘The one where you were a bridesmaid?’ asked Ellen.
‘Yes that’s right.’
‘Does he know about both Denis and Denise?’ asked Julia.
‘Yes, of course he knows! I wouldn't try to keep a secret like that from my friends.’
Julia and Ellen exchanged meaningful glances but nothing more was said on the subject.
Julia left them for a while at 11.00pm in order to drive back to her flat at Sprowston and pick up a change of clothes for the weekend. Denise welcomed this first opportunity of speaking with her mother alone.
‘Well mum, so what do you think of your new daughter?’
‘I really don’t know what to think. You seem to be happy and relaxed and you do look lovely, and so I ask myself 'what does it matter?' Yet at the same time I remember that I gave birth to and brought up a boy.’
‘Yes but I was never a particularly happy or successful little boy, whereas I seem to be doing much better as a girl’ said Denise.
Ellen sighed.
‘Yes but you'll never be able to truly be a woman and get married and have children.’
‘I realise that, but for the time being I feel happier living, and being treated by others as a young woman.’
‘Well I suppose you're old enough to know your own mind. We'll have to see how things work out over the next few weeks.’
‘Thank you mum, I really appreciate that,’ said Denise giving her a kiss.
‘You'll be nineteen next week. Do I need to buy a birthday present for Denis or Denise or something that might suit either one?’ Ellen asked.
‘I think I would prefer to have something for Denise, after all, `one of the advantages of having a new daughter rather than a son is that she will be much easier for you to select presents.’
‘Julia said that is what you'd want. She suggested that she and I should take you out shopping tomorrow and buy you a new outfit to wear on your birthday.’
‘That would be very generous of you both’
‘Julia wants to thank you for your kindness to her when she came up to London. I feel that I should now acknowledge my new daughter’ said Ellen.
‘In that case I should love to go out shopping with you both.’
‘Good! Once Julia returns we'll make the necessary arrangements.’
‘In the meanwhile I’ll unpack my case and begin to get ready for bed. It takes me quite a bit longer these days than it used to do for Denis.’
‘So it would appear. I’ll bring you a towel. Is there anything else you need?’
‘No thanks mum, I should be fine.’
Denise took the towel from her mother before retiring to her room.
By the time Julia arrived back from Sprowston, Denise had cleaned off her makeup and changed into a negligee and a pair of slippers. She briefly re-joined her sister and mother to arrange to go shopping the next day.
‘I must say those breasts look most realistic’ commented Ellen. ‘For a moment I thought they were the real thing and that you’d had plastic surgery on them.’
‘They're silicone formes which are glued into place.
They need to look realistic for the modelling. Don't worry I'll warn you if I ever decide to take things any further,’ said Denise.
‘How long will you keep them on for?’
‘They have remained in place for the last three weeks and so I'll need to take them off for a couple of hours and then re-affix them sometime over the next week.’
They agreed a time to go out the next day and then Denise left the others and went to her bedroom. She knew they would want to compare notes about how the evening had gone.
As soon as she was alone Denise took out her phone and wrote a text message.
‘Hi John! Mtg wnt well, mum & sis now qt cool re Denise.’
It was only just over a minute before a reply was received
‘Of crse they r, y ever not? R u doing n e thing nxt wknd?’ luv John.
She thought for a moment then shrugged her shoulders and responded.
‘No, was hoping 2 see u ;-), luv D. BTW Frdy my bthdy!
His reply came almost immediately
‘Gr8 Frdy settled thn bthdy grl! ;-)) ring u Mndy 2 arrange - lots luv J xx.’
‘OK but ring eve not dytme, now going 2 bed - luv D xx’
Almost immediately a response came through:
‘Wsh I was wth u - sweet dreams! J xxx.’
‘It looks as if I am now going to have to face one more of the consequences of living as a girl full-time,’ she said to herself as she got into bed, but there was a smile on her face.
(Next time Denise, her mother and her sister go shopping together and come to terms with one another.)
by Louise Anne Smithson
Book 3 Chapter 7
Acceptance
‘Good morning Denise, I can definitely see the benefits of having two daughters,’ said Ellen as she looked at the dining room and noticed that Denise had even arranged the bunch of flowers she'd brought in a vase on the table.
Denise smiled and greeted her mother as she continued to make their breakfast. Julia came down soon afterwards and greeted them both.
‘You look nice in that dress Denise,’ she commented, and then turning to her mother she said, ‘See, I told you that my sister was beginning to develop a great dress sense.’
‘Yes, she does look nice again this morning,’ agreed Ellen after a second of hesitation.
‘My friends Samantha and Sue usually advise me what I should, or shouldn't, wear, so I'm still going to need your help and guidance when we go out shopping later,’ answered Denise.
‘Alright, and you can also help me choose another outfit for my new job,’ added Julia.
Their shopping trip turned out to be great fun for all concerned. Although Denis had grown up in Norwich, Denise was able to see the city from an entirely different perspective as a young woman and went into several shops that she had never been in before. She also noted how the shared experience of shopping brought her closer to her mother and sister in a way that would never have happened if Denis had been with them. At one point she recognised a couple with whom she had been at school, but there was no trace of any recognition or suspicion of herself on their part. They acknowledged and briefly spoke to Julia, congratulating her on her new job and asking how her brother was doing in London.
During the course of the morning Julia tried on several trouser suits ready for her new job and Denise looked out for a new dress.
‘Here try this one, I think it's your size and should suit you,’ said Julia handing her a blue grey shot silk dress.’
‘I like the colour and the material, but don’t you think it's a bit too dressy for me?’ asked Denise.
‘Maybe it wouldn't be suitable to wear for the office, but you're going to need something nice to wear when you go out with your new boyfriend,’ answered Julia.
Denise blushed at the reference, but there was no trace of malice or sarcasm in her sister’s voice. She didn't answer, but took the dress into the fitting room. A few minutes later she emerged, having regained her composure and wearing the dress.
‘What do you think?’ she asked her companions.
‘You seem to look nice in whatever you wear,’ commented Ellen, ‘but does it fit you alright.’
‘Yes I believe so,’ answered Denise as she examined herself in a full-length mirror.
‘Do you like it?’ asked Julia.
‘Yes, I think so, it's comfortable to wear and I do like the colour.’
‘In that case it will be your birthday present from me,’ said Julia.
‘Jules, are you sure you can afford it?’ asked Denise.
‘Yes of course I can now that I have got a decent job, and in any event you have recently given me a couple of expensive outfits for work,’ said her sister.
‘We'll look out for some shoes and a handbag to go with it, and that will be my birthday present’ said Ellen.
A half an hour later Denise had purchased a handbag in a sale in a nearby department store and was trying on a pair of dark blue high heeled shoes.
‘They look nice but are you sure you will be comfortable walking in those heels Denise?’ asked Ellen.
‘I think so, I managed alright in high heels at my friend’s wedding and have been getting a fair amount of practice wearing them ever since,’ she answered.
‘Ellen sighed.
Alright then, I suppose it is your birthday, and they do show off your legs rather well.’
‘Thanks, Mum.’
As they were leaving the shop with their purchases, Ellen turned to her daughters.
‘I've got away quite lightly with your birthday present, let us now leave our various purchases in the car boot and I'll treat you both to a coffee and sandwich’ said Ellen.
‘In that case I would like to be responsible for preparing the dinner tonight’ said Denise.
‘Alright, you always were quite a good cook. In fact you really are becoming quite domesticated Denise,’ said Ellen.
‘I don’t wish to be outdone by my little sister so I'd better volunteer to cook the lunch tomorrow,’ said Julia.
After lunch Denise bought herself a short jacket that could go with the dress and some spare pairs of tights, together with a wheeled cabin-bag that would hold her new purchases on the journey home. Her two companions also made various purchases for themselves. The group then returned home by means of an out of town supermarket where Denise bought everything that she would need for their evening meal.
As she was working alone in the kitchen later that afternoon, Denise knew that he sister and her mother would be discussing her situation in the other room, but was confident that her mother was now over the worst shock, and that in any event Julia would support her. At some point during the weekend she wanted to be able to have a long talk alone with her mother. Perhaps Julia’s offer to cook lunch on Sunday would provide them with a suitable opportunity?
The evening meal went very well. The food was well cooked and enjoyed by all three. The conversation was relaxed and was not just about Denise’s situation and her future, but also about Julia’s new job and their mother’s plans to take a holiday in Greece. At one point however it inevitably turned to matters about which Denise was not so confident
‘When do you plan to wear your new outfit Denise?’ asked Ellen.
‘Julia was right, I have been asked out for a meal by my friend John on my birthday, and so I thought I might wear it then,’ she answered blushing.
‘Is he your boyfriend?’ asked Ellen hesitantly.
Denise blushed again.
‘Not really, we just sat next to one another at the wedding reception. I've never been out with him as he has been living in Birmingham. However, he's due to move down to London next week and doesn’t know anyone other than his cousins and myself, so we'll have to see how it turns out’ she replied.
Somewhat to her surprise, Denise noticed that neither her mother nor her sister seemed particularly surprised by this news.
‘In that case, I wish you luck on Friday and hope the evening turns out as you would wish,’ added Ellen.
‘Thanks, but at the moment I'm not really sure what I'm wishing for.’
Julia sensed her sister’s embarrassment and steered the conversation on to other matters. They eventually went to bed around midnight and Denise felt a palpable sense of relief as she removed her makeup and put on her nightdress. Before going to bed, she sent a text message to Samantha, who was in Birmingham visiting her father for the weekend.
‘Visit has gone v. well so far - will tell all on Mon morn, luv D ;-).’
Her reply came back after a few minutes:
‘New it wld, c u mon! lol Sam xx ;-)’
The following morning over breakfast Julia reminded them of her promise to prepare the Sunday lunch and suggested that her mother and sister should go out for a walk together.
‘That is a good idea, I'd like to have a talk with you this morning Denise, where shall we go?’ asked Ellen.
‘I'm afraid that I haven't brought any shoes suitable for a country walk, but would you like to have a walk around the cathedral close, it's one of my favourite places in Norwich.’
‘Alright then, I'll just go to my room to collect my coat.’
As soon as she left Julia turned to her sister.
‘Alright Sis, you've done very well so far this weekend, but I now think it is time for you to have a heart to heart chat to mum just to make sure that all is well and answer any questions she may have.’
‘I’ll do my best, but I'm not sure what else I need to say.’
‘Just act naturally and be honest with her.’
They caught a bus into the city centre and then walked around talking of nothing in particular, each one was waiting for the other to raise the issue that was on both their minds. At last Denise decided that it was up to her to take the initiative.
‘Thank you for being so kind and understanding about everything Mum. I'm really glad that I came this weekend and that you now know all about my life in London.’
‘I'm not sure that ‘understanding’ is the right word, maybe ‘accepting’ would be more accurate,’ she answered. ‘I must admit to having been horrified by the idea when Julia first told me, but now that I've seen you I feel more resigned to the situation. In fact I've quite enjoyed having two daughters home for the weekend, and I hope we can all meet together again fairly soon. It will be a little lonely for me when you are both in London so please keep in regular touch by phone.’
‘Yes of course, it'll be so much easier to do so now that I can tell you all about my life and my job. There would be nothing to stop you coming up to visit us for the day, or even staying overnight in a hotel, as long as you're always prepared to accept me as I am.’
‘I believe that I can now assure you that I'll always accept you whether as my son or my daughter.’
Denise squeezed her mother’s hand.
‘Thanks Mum, I've had a great weekend.’
Ellen reached into her handbag and handed a little black box to Denise.
‘Here, I've already given most of your grandmother’s jewellery to Julia, but I'd like you to have these; you may keep them as long as you remain as Denise.
Denise opened the case and found a sapphire necklace in a white gold setting with small diamonds to help set them off. There were also two matching pendant earrings. They exactly matched her new dress.
‘Mum, these are really lovely, I'll be able to wear them with my new outfit. Thank you very much.’
‘I thought of them as soon as I saw that dress. Don’t lose them, and I would like them back if or when you decide to stop living as Denise.’
'OK,' she replied.
After a late lunch and leisurely conversation, Denise packed her own small suitcase and the wheeled cabin bag that she'd bought the day before. Ellen insisted on clearing up the meal whilst Julia drove her sister to catch the five o’clock train.
‘Thanks for arranging everything this weekend, Julia,’ said Denise, as she was about to board the train.
‘The last two days appear to have gone pretty well and Mum now seems more at ease about your situation,’ answered Julia.
‘You've been a great help in making that happen.’
‘Perhaps, but that's what sisters are for.’
‘I’ll see you soon Julia, and be sure to ask if ever you want to stay with me again.’
They hugged one another and Denise boarded the train and made her way to a seat.
As soon as her train pulled out of Norwich station and she had waved goodbye to her sister, Denise took out her magazine to read on her journey home. However, she never read further than the first paragraph or two as she was going over in her mind the events of the last weekend, and then of the last two months, trying to make sense of her feelings. It had certainly been an interesting, exciting and, above all, enjoyable time for her. She had been accepted without question as an attractive young woman on a number of public occasions and now had been living full-time as a woman for nearly a month, without experiencing any problems. She had also undertaken to remain as she was for the next two months and felt quite excited by the prospect. Now, for the first time, she began to think about what she might do afterwards, and even to entertain the possibility of continuing to live as she was. After all, her friends and all family seemed to accept her situation, and as Denise she had somewhere nice to live. The full-time modelling job will have finished but Sue had implied that there might be further part-time work as a model, and in any event someone would need to keep the website up to date. Even if she reverted back to her former duties she felt sure that her colleagues would not object to her remaining as Denise. The quality of her life had improved over the last few weeks and at present she had no particular desire to go back to her former existence unless she had to. However, she still had plenty of time to reflect on her situation before making any long term decisions about her future.
The train was on time, and she caught a tube across London so she was home by 8.30 pm. The flat was empty, since Samantha was not intending to travel back to London until Monday morning. She hung her new purchases in the wardrobe, and sat on her bed wondering what to do. She thought about preparing a light meal, but was not feeling hungry. She then considered calling her friends to let them know how she had done over the weekend, but her mind was still in something of a turmoil and there were many things she wanted to think about on her own before discussing them with friends. She therefore turned off her mobile and decided that she would devote the remainder of the evening to herself and her thoughts.
After undressing she carefully removed her breast forms and cleaned the area behind them. They had been firmly attached to her chest for nearly three weeks, but there was no trace of soreness to the skin, which just appeared rather pale. Nevertheless she thought it wisest to leave them off for the remainder of the evening, and get up early the next day to replace them. It felt strangely odd to be flat-chested once again, but she noted how the weight of the forms had pulled her own flesh into the vestiges of a female breast. For the first time she let her mind wonder about what it would be like to have breast implants, or even her own natural breasts. In spite of the absence of her breast formes, she still felt like a woman as she took a long hot shower and began to wash her hair. She enjoyed the feeling of having such long hair and using shampoo and conditioner, and wrapping it into a turban with a towel as Samantha had shown her.
Before getting dressed she de-fuzzed her legs and arms once again using depilatory cream and replaced the nail varnish on her toes. She then examined her finger nails, but these appeared to be ok for the time being and in any event the colour might need to be changed the following day when she was modelling again. Finally she changed into the frilly pink night dress given to her by Samantha on the first occasion she had stayed at the flat, and then sat at her dressing table drying her hair and putting it up in rollers. She found this task to be oddly relaxing, and was quite pleased with herself that she could now cope without any help. Whilst her hair was still drying she put on some moisturising cream and sat down and read a long and chatty very encouraging email from Angela. There was no question in her mind that she enjoyed living as a girl and everything that went with it including the clothes, makeup, new job, and above all, the friendships. On the subject of friendship, one aspect of being a girl was having a boyfriend. The idea of being taken out on a date and treated as a lady quite appealed, as long as the guy in question realised what he was letting himself in for. It was with this thought that she eventually fell asleep.
(Next time Denise has to make a number of decisions regarding the future direction of her life.)
by Louise Anne Smithson
Book 3 Chapter 8
Decisions decisions!
‘Sorry, I'm afraid I let my phone battery go flat and forgot to take a charger with me,’ she answered. ‘By the time I got home and sorted everything out it was too late to be ringing round.’
‘That’s alright, but tell us how your mother reacted when she saw you as Denise for the first time?’ reiterated Sue.
Denise smiled.
‘Actually it all went very well. Once she'd got over the initial shock, Mum was alright and even agreed to refer to me as Denise. Both my sister and I ended up staying in her flat for the weekend, as we originally planned. In fact they have bought me a lovely new outfit and accessories for my birthday on Friday, and mum has loaned me some jewellery to go with it..’
‘I knew things would probably work out for you. It was just a question of your grasping the nettle’ said Sue.
‘Well I'm glad I've now done so, it feels as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.’
Samantha had arranged to come directly into work on Monday morning, having caught the early train down from Birmingham. She was hurriedly given the basic outline of her friend’s weekend as they were getting themselves ready for the first shoot of the day, but Denise delayed giving the whole story until they had time for a quiet chat together over lunch.
‘Now that both your mother and sister know and approve of what you are doing you can relax a little more and enjoy your summer living as Denise,’ commented Samantha as they sat down together with their salads.
‘Actually, Mum made it clear to me that she accepts the situation rather than approves of me living and working as Denise. However, Julia has been very supportive, encouraging me to live my life in whatever way gives me most happiness.’
‘Well you appear to have one ally at home, and your mother will probably be more enthusiastic once she sees how well you fit in to your new life at home and at work. Also she can't have been that antagonistic if she has bought you some high-heeled shoes and a handbag for your birthday, and loaned you some valuable jewellery,’ added Samantha.
Denise smiled
‘‘No, I suppose not. I couldn't have expected any better outcome from my first meeting with her.’
‘Exactly, so now it is up to you to build on those foundations. Keep in touch with her on the telephone, tell her what you're doing, or the clothes you're wearing, invite her up to London for the day, let her see the advantages of having a second daughter.’
‘I'll try,’ answered Denise.
Then changing the tone of the conversation she added, ‘Actually I've been thinking a lot about my situation over the weekend.’
‘Oh yes, and what have you decided?’
‘As you know, I've been enjoying myself living and working as Denise, and staying in your flat. I'm going to take full advantage of my present situation and not worry about the future or what people might think of me.’
‘I agree, you're doing fine at work and at home when you're in female company but you ought now to start getting out some more and meeting some young men. You can’t go round looking as good as you do without attracting some attention from the opposite sex.’
Denise didn't answer remembering her forthcoming date with John.
‘If I do ever go out with a guy he would have to know all about me, and Denis. I don’t want to mislead anyone.’
‘Yes, it could be quite a shock if a guy who didn't already know about you was to try and get into your knickers,’ said Samantha laughing.
Denise blushed, so Samantha changed the subject.
‘By the way I saw my cousin John over the weekend, he's getting ready to move down to London later this week’ she added.
‘Yes, I know. He sent me a text message whilst I was away,’ answered Denise, still blushing a little.
‘Actually, I was with him on Friday evening when he texted you. I hope you don’t mind my sticking my nose into your affairs but it was me that encouraged him to get in touch with you again.’
‘You do seem to want to steer my life in one direction, but I suppose I’ll forgive you as you were so kind when Julia came to stay last week.’
‘My cousin may seem fairly confident on the surface but actually he's quite unsure of himself and will need your encouragement.’
‘That makes two of us.’
‘Exactly, so that's why I've been poking my nose into your affairs.'
‘Did he, tell you that we're going out to dinner together on my birthday?’ asked Denise.
‘No, that must have happened after I left him, but that’s great news, Denise, although I trust you aren't planning to go out on Friday night?’
‘Yes, that’s my birthday.’
‘Oh damn!’
‘What do you mean by that?’ asked Denise.
‘Sue and my sister have been organising a surprise birthday treat for you on Friday evening. We're all going to go out clubbing together. It didn’t occur to them that you might already have fixed yourself up with a hot date for that night.’
‘I just assumed that there would be a small cake during the coffee break, as usual.’
‘There will be, but Sue, Jane, Alison, and I are also planning to take you out dancing in the evening. We all feel that it's time that you started going out a little more.’
‘I thought Jane was feeling sick most days?’
‘Yes but that’s only in the mornings, she should be alright, as long as she stays off the alcohol. Don’t worry, I’ll be keeping a very careful eye on her’ said Samantha.
‘I'd enjoy going out dancing with a group of girls, but I've already agreed to go out with John and wouldn't want to let him down. What do you think I should do?’
‘I suppose he could always come along with us, although otherwise it will be an all female gathering.’
Denise experienced a fleeting moment of pleasure as she realised that Samantha had referred to her as female without giving the matter a second thought.
‘No, I don’t think so, I don’t want you lot to frighten him off before I've even got to know him,’ said Denise.
‘Do you want me to explain the situation to him?’ asked Samantha. ‘I'm sure he'd understand.’
Denise thought for a moment.
‘No, I'd better try and explain myself. He has promised to ring me this evening to make the final arrangements..’
‘So he hasn't made any specific arrangements yet?’
‘No, I don’t think so, it was just an agreement in principle to go out together.’
‘In that case it's important for you to take the upper hand in your relationship. Tell him that you're really sorry but you've only just discovered about Jane’s plans. You can say that you would far rather spend and evening alone with him than with your workmates, but it would let so many people down if you pulled out. Now that he has asked you out there is absolutely no reason why you shouldn't suggest your going out together at another time. I'm sure he'll feel flattered.’
‘Alright I hope you're right.’
‘By the way Denise, you aren't supposed to know anything about Sue and Jane’s plans and must appear to be surprised when they tell you on Friday, and so you'd better say as much to John in case he should say something to Jane.’
Denise was nervous when John rang that evening as he'd promised, but explaining the situation to him proved not as difficult as she'd imagined. She found it relatively easy to sound as if she'd been looking forward to going out with him, but felt she couldn't let so many of her colleagues down.
‘Perhaps we could go out together on the Saturday or Sunday evening instead?’ she asked.
He sounded genuinely disappointed.
‘I'm afraid I've already arranged to collect the last of my things in Birmingham on Saturday and will be returning late on Sunday. However, I could be free any time over the following weekend if you want.’
‘Alright Saturday 24th it is, and I make a solemn promise not to let you down this time. I’ll even wear the new outfit bought for me by mother and sister.’
‘I'm sure you'll look lovely in whatever you choose to wear, but may I see you briefly sometime next Friday, as I want to give you my birthday present?’ he asked.
‘That's very kind, I wasn’t expecting a birthday present from you’ she said, sounding pleased but surprised.
‘Well it's too late to tell me now that I’ve already bought it. I wouldn't have been able to take you out on your birthday without buying you something,’ he said.
‘Thank you. In that case you would be welcome to call at the office at lunch time, if that is convenient? I'll arrange with Sue to take a full-hour that day so we can go out and have a sandwich together.’
‘Good, I’ll see you about 1.00 pm, and then I'll probably drive up to Birmingham on the Friday evening.’
‘By the way, neither you nor I is supposed to know anything about Jane’s plans to take me out on Friday evening, so please don't say anything about them when you see her.’
‘It is just as well that I hadn’t told her that I'd asked you out myself,’ he said.
‘Yes, but you can now tell both your cousins that we are going out together the following weekend if you like, since they seem to take such an active interest in our social lives.’
The next three days passed fairly uneventfully both at home and at work. Denise had long chatty telephone conversations with her mother and sister in the evenings, and sent another email to Angela in Singapore. Progress at work continued to go smoothly and the two models and their photographer put in some extra hours as they planned to hold a small tea party for Denise on Friday afternoon. They also re-arranged the work schedule on Friday so she would be able to take a longer break to see John before he went to Birmingham. John had clearly mentioned to Jane that he had asked Denise out as this became the main topic of gossip at work for a few days. Denise was embarrassed by a few of the questions and comments, but everyone was pleased for her.
On Thursday afternoon, after they had finished their modelling, Jane enquired about Denise’s breast forms, and was told that she'd taken them off for a few hours the previous weekend.
‘So you managed to put them back on by yourself.’
‘Yes I think they're alright.’
‘Would you like me to check on them for you?’
Denise took her top and bra off and lay down on the couch in the studio. Jane looked carefully and then felt round each one.
‘They appear to be still attached securely, and there's no sign of any soreness. How do they feel?’
‘Ok, I suppose. They aren't itchy or sore, and I'm getting quite used to having them. It would now feel a little odd to be without them,’ answered Denise.
‘In that case I see no harm in your leaving them in place for another couple of weeks, but perhaps you ought to take them off for a few hours every three weeks or so.’
‘Very well, if I have to,’ said Denise. ‘I don't want to create any sores on my skin.’
‘Of course if you were planning to stay as Denise long term, you could always consider silicone implants,’ suggested Jane in an offhand way.
‘I don’t think I'm ready to consider anything quite so permanent’ she answered.
‘Suit yourself’, said Jane.
Samantha had warned Denise that she would probably hear nothing more about the plans being hatched by her colleagues for Friday evening until her birthday on the 16th July, and made her promise to play dumb and to act surprised when she did hear about them.
‘What are you doing this weekend Samantha?’ asked Sue as they were getting changed after work on Thursday evening.
‘Jane has invited me to stay with her for the weekend as her cousin will be away and this will probably be the last opportunity I'll get to stay with her. We thought we might go out shopping for the new baby on Saturday.’
‘How about you Denise, what are your plans?’ she asked.
‘I've nothing in particular planned. My sister is still in Norwich and Samantha will be away.
‘What about this new boyfriend of yours?’
‘Well, for one thing he isn't really my boyfriend and, as you've just heard, he'll be in Birmingham for the weekend.
‘That’s a pity, but since you've no other plans would you like to come and stay with Alison and myself for the weekend? I'm afraid we won’t be doing very much, and Alison is going out with her boyfriend on Saturday night, but at least you won’t be spending your birthday on your own,’ said Sue.
‘Alright then, I should like that. I'll bring a change of clothes to work with me tomorrow.’
Denise went to bed early on the night before her birthday, but lay in bed for some time thinking about everything that had happened during her nineteenth year. The first ten months of the year had been eventful enough — Denis had left school, found himself a job in London, moved into his own bedsit, and begun working for Helen. However, these events were nothing compared to the enormous the changes to his or her life during the last two months. He now had a new job, new living accommodation, a new name, new identity, new friends and even a new gender! What would the next two months have in store? She then remembered Jane’s casual comment about whether she was planning to stay as Denise long term, and the implications of having breast implants. Was that what she wanted? She didn't know what to think. The idea frightened and repelled her but at the same time attracted her. It was with this unresolved conundrum in mind that she eventually fell asleep.
(Next time Denise’s nineteenth birthday.)
by Louise Anne Smithson
Book 4 Chapter 1
Birthday girl
Samantha was up and ready half an hour early on the Friday morning and so whilst her housemate was in the shower and putting on her makeup she was able to prepare them some breakfast.
‘Happy birthday Denise!’ she said as her friend emerged from her bedroom. ‘So now you've only one more year left as a teenager!’
Denise smiled.
Samantha kissed her on the cheek and handed her an envelope. Inside there was a large ‘girly’ birthday card. Denise smiled at the wording on the card and thanked her, then noticed there was another smaller envelope inside.
‘What’s this?’ she asked.
‘It’s your birthday present. It's a special promotion I saw in the newspaper - two people to have bed and breakfast in a posh Brighton hotel. However, you'll need to get your skates on as it is only valid for Saturday nights in July.’
‘Thank you, but that only leaves 31st July as I'm staying with Sue and Alison tomorrow and have promised to go out with John on 24th. Would that date be ok for you?’
Samantha sighed.
‘It wasn't intended for me to go with you. I thought you might like to invite my cousin,’ she answered.
‘Hang on a minute, I don’t want to go sharing a bedroom with him, when we hardly know one another,’ said Denise, a little put out by her friend’s suggestion.
‘You wouldn’t have to share a bed, if you didn’t want to; the rooms all have twin queen-sized beds.’
‘But it still could get embarrassing.’
‘Not if you made it clear to him exactly where you both stood at the outset,’ said Samantha. ‘I felt bad that we spoiled your date with John tonight and thought it might be an ideal opportunity for you two to have a little privacy to get to know one another. You can’t easily bring him back here with his cousin hovering in the background, and you can’t go to his place as he will be staying with Jane for a while. At least give the idea some consideration, and if you really don't want to risk going with him then I'll go with you on the 31st.’
‘Alright, I’ll think about it, but in any event thanks for the present,’ replied Denise giving her friend a kiss.
‘What clothes for the weekend are you planning to take in to work with you?’ asked Samantha.
‘I don’t know really, I can’t take anything too dressy or else it will give away that I know that we're all going out together.’
‘You're right, take fairly ordinary clothes, I'm sure Sue and Jane will have foreseen that problem and will probably offer to lend you something to wear once they tell you where they're planning to take you tonight.’
They had to leave home before the post arrived and so Denise would have to wait to see if there were cards from Norwich. However, during the course of their journey, her mother phoned to wish her a happy birthday and wanted to know how she intended to spend the evening. This was followed by a call from Julia asking the same question.
‘I've been invited by various colleagues to go out clubbing — a true girls’ night out,’ she told Julia.
‘But what about this John, isn’t he taking you out?’
‘I’ll be seeing him briefly at lunchtime today, but we're planning to go out together next weekend.’
‘In that case good luck for next week, and in the meanwhile have a great time yourself this evening.’
Once she arrived at work Denise was greeted with cards from all her colleagues.
As Sue handed over her card she said, ‘Alison and I have both got a present for you but we will hand them over tonight when we're both there.’
‘Thank you,’ answered Denise smiling.
She put her various cards on display on her desk, noting with pleasure that they were all feminine ones that acknowledged her adopted gender. She then went to get changed so they could get on with their day’s work.
Helen came in during their coffee break with a cream cake and a couple of gift-wrapped boxes.
‘Here you are Denise, happy birthday, these are for you,’ she said handing them over.
Denise opened the boxes and found some tight pink leggings, a glittery halter top, and a pair of high heeled strappy sandals. It went through her mind that there had been some discussion by her colleagues and that this was the outfit that they were expecting her to wear in the evening.
She smiled and thanked Helen whilst at the same time asked herself, how on earth she would be able to wear the leggings without giving herself away with bulges below the waistline?
‘Helen, you've already given me a couple of outfits to wear’ she said.
‘I know, but that was back in May, I usually give my employees some clothes on their birthday; free samples are one of the perks of working in the fashion business.’
‘Thank you; you're very generous,’ said Denise.
‘No, I want to thank you! I know how hard you've been working recently and that we've made excellent progress in photographing the stock. In fact I'd like you to take a break from modelling next week and help me to launch the first phase of the web site. Sue tells me that she'll have plenty of work with Samantha on her own.’
‘All right, but you understand that I'll still be coming in to work dressed as Denise.’
‘Yes of course, it wouldn't make any sense to change back into a man just for a few days.’
John arrived punctually at 1.00 pm but they had not finished the morning’s work. Denise was uncertain how she should react to him in front of the others, who all now knew that she would be going out with him. However, she plucked up courage and when he wished her a happy birthday she kissed him briefly on the lips. They both blushed as she did so.
‘Would you mind waiting for five minutes whilst we finish this job?’ she asked smiling sweetly. ‘You can talk to Jane.’
‘No problem,’ he replied.
At last she was ready to leave and the couple went off to get some lunch at a nearby coffee bar.
‘This is for you, I hope you like it,’ he said handing over a package neatly wrapped in silver paper with a pink bow.
Inside Denise found a blue/grey silk lingerie set. She gasped in surprise and then held them up to examine them.
‘I hope you don’t think that they're too personal for a gift; I could always change them if you don't like them,’ he said hesitantly.
‘No, I think they're a lovely gift. Thank you very much. A girl can never have too many nice underclothes,’ she answered, and leaned across to kiss him on the cheek.
‘It was Samantha’s suggestion, and Jane ordered them for me through your work. I would never have known what to get you, and in any event would never have the courage to go into a shop and buy something like this,’ he replied.
‘Yes I thought your present bore the hallmarks of your two cousins, the colour exactly matches my new dress.’
‘And your eyes,’ he added.
Denise didn't answer, but he could see she was pleased that he'd noticed.
‘Are we still ok for next Saturday night?’ he asked.
‘Yes of course,’ she answered sweetly, ‘I am really looking forward to it.’
‘Good.’
She hesitated for a second before responding.
‘In fact I was wondering whether you would like to spend next weekend at Brighton with me?’ she asked tentatively.
‘What do you have in mind?’
She explained about the hotel offer.
‘If you drive us down and pay for our dinner and a nightclub, I'll provide the bed and breakfast. But please don’t get the wrong idea, it'll be twin beds. I'm not planning to sleep with you after our first date.’
He blushed, but looked quite pleased.
‘I understand, and yes, I'd love to go with you. Perhaps we can have a look around Brighton on the Sunday as well before we go home?’
‘That would be fine by me.’
She was about to add, ‘and I may even wear my new lingerie when we go out on Saturday night’, but stopped herself in case it gave him the wrong idea.
‘Thank you. That will more than make amends for cancelling our date tonight.’
‘I’ll go ahead and book the hotel then,’ she said, blushing a little.
‘See if you can find a nice restaurant on the Internet as well whilst you are at it. If you let me know where you would like me to take you, I'll make the arrangements’ he said.
‘I’ll find a restaurant, but you can choose a club,’ she replied.
‘Alright, but it may not be easy for me to see you again before next weekend as I'm now going to Birmingham and my new job is likely to keep me pretty busy next week. However, I’ll telephone you over the weekend if I may.’
‘I'd like that,’ she replied. ‘And don’t worry if you want to contact me next week, from the sound of things I'll be spending much of next week sitting at my computer rather than modelling clothes.’
‘Maybe we can exchange emails and text messages in that case.’
Denise had to return to her work and John needed to leave for Birmingham before the motorway became too busy, so they finished their coffees and went their separate ways after briefly exchanging another kiss on the lips.
‘So what did you think of John’s birthday present?’ asked Samantha as they were getting changed for the next photographic session.
‘Very nice, but I don’t think he would have chosen it without a fair amount of guidance from his cousins,’ Denise answered smiling.
‘Sorry if it seems as if Jane and I are always interfering, but we only want you to get over your inhibitions about having a good time as Denise.’
‘We'll have to see, but I've arranged for John to come with me to Brighton on Saturday week.’
‘Good for you!’
By the end of the afternoon none of her younger colleagues had said anything about their going out together during the evening and Denise was even wondering whether the arrangements had been cancelled. As soon they were finished work Samantha left with her sister but Sue had to finish downloading the last batch of pictures. Denise therefore stayed on to help, and it was almost 6.00 pm before they arrived at the Sue’s home. As they entered the flat, Alison, Jane and Samantha suddenly appeared from various hiding places.
‘Surprise!’ they said in unison.
‘Happy birthday Denise,’ said Alison, giving her a kiss and handing her a card.
Before she could answer Jane came forward to speak.
‘We all think that you need to get out and enjoy yourself more, so we're taking you out clubbing this evening.’
‘So that was the reason for the leggings and halter top. They didn't strike me as being the sort of thing that Helen might choose.’
‘It was our suggestion, especially for this evening,’ answered Jane.
‘The only trouble is those leggings will be bound to show off a tell-tale bulge between my legs,’ she replied.
‘Ah, but we've foreseen that problem, and that's where my present will come into its own’ said Sue, handing over a small package.
Denise opened the package and found a small, belt like garment.
'What is it?’ she asked intrigued.
‘It is called a gaff, it is a means of tucking your dangly bits away out of sight, so you can wear tight clothes without giving the game away. They're worn by female impersonators. I have made four of them for you; two to wear when you go out and two others to use at work when we begin to model leggings and tight skirts. I'll have to show you how to use it if you don't mind.
Before Denise could answer, Alison chipped in.
‘I’ve got you a special pair of padded control pants which will flatten your belly whilst at the same time enhancing your hips and bum,’ she said handing over her present.
‘And I’ve bought you a basque to hold in your waist and give you an hour-glass figure,’ said Jane.
Denise took the offered gifts and opened them, and thanked the respective donors.
‘Why do I get the distinct impression that my friends regard me as their full-sized Barbie doll?’
‘In that case we will have to look out for a full-sized ‘Ken’ for you tonight,’ commented Alison.
‘Don’t worry, Samantha and I've already got that in hand,’ said Jane.
‘I hope he comes better equipped than the real ‘Ken‘, added Alison.
Denise blushed.
Come on then Barbie, you can have a quick shower and then come through to my bedroom with your presents and we'll get you sorted out down below,’ said Sue.
Ten minutes later Denise emerged, dressed only in a blue housecoat borrowed from Sue.
Sue went to the freezer in her kitchen and took out a plastic ice cream carton that had been inside
‘Ok Denise, would you mind inserting your unwanted organ into this sheath and attach the belt round your waist.
Denise did as she was told. The tip of her penis emerged from the end of the sheaf, and a thin strap hung down below.
‘I'm afraid that I'm going to need to touch your scrotum, but I’ll be wearing rubber gloves,’ said Sue.
‘Sue this is rather embarrassing, can’t I just tuck it in my pants as I usually do.’
‘No, as you've said yourself, you wouldn't be able to do it well enough to wear tight leggings without showing a bulge. To do that you will have to push up the testes into the cavity in your body, then we can fold back your penis and scrotum much more effectively, and hold them in place with the gaff. I can show you how to do it this time and thereafter you will be able to do it for yourself’
‘Won’t it do me an injury?’
‘No the testes sometimes naturally go back inside your body if you are very cold or when you are under stress, but they should always descend again without any trouble.’
‘What if I need to go to the toilet when my penis is held back?’
‘According to an article on the internet on the subject, you should be able to urinate in that position with a little practice, but of course you'll have to sit down to do so. Now this is going to feel rather cold for a few minutes, but it shouldn't hurt.’
She took out an ice cold cooling bag from the plastic carton and held it on to his testicles. After a minute or so she replaced it with another one from the same box. A minute or so later she quickly felt the scrotum and could find no trace of the testes, and so Sue pulled the strap between her legs and attached it to a clip at the rear of the belt. The strap had an adjustor, which Sue proceeded to tighten until the penis was held securely out of sight. Only the tip emerged from the end.
‘How does it feel?’ she asked.
‘Not as uncomfortable as I thought'’ answered Denise.
‘Good, in that case you can put on your padded pants and then Jane can help you to put on the basque she has bought for you.'
‘Before I do, let me first see if I can go to the toilet when I am trussed up like this.
Five minutes later she emerged from the toilet.
‘Any luck?’ asked Sue.
‘It took a little time to come, but did so eventually, and it was not uncomfortable. I’ll have to be careful to wipe it afterwards as I can no longer shake the drips away’ she answered.
Denise put on a pair of her own knickers and then the padded control briefs, so that there was no longer any indication that she was wearing the gaff. She had never worn a basque before and required Jane’s assistance to put it on for the first time. It was tight and a little constricting but certainly improved the look of her waistline.
‘You won’t need the suspenders for tonight as you'll be wearing the leggings and sandals’ said Jane as she detached them, but don’t lose them as the next time you may want to have stockings.’
Denise then put on her new leggings, the halter top and strapped on her sandals and looked at herself in Sue’s full length mirror. There was no trace of any bulge, and she was glad that she'd recently painted her toenails as these looked most attractive with the sandals. Sue came in once again to see how she was progressing.
‘Just give me a quarter of an hour to put on some more make up and fix my hair before we leave.’
‘In the event it took her a full half hour, as she went to considerable trouble over her makeup, using a satin finish lipstick, three shades of eye shadow and a couple of coats of mascara to set off her eyes. Eventually at 9.15pm she stepped into the living room where the others were waiting having just finished getting themselves ready.
‘Is there any trace of a bulge?’ asked Denise.
‘None at all, you look fine’ answered Samantha, ‘so let us go and hit the town.’
The evening of Denise’s nineteenth birthday was therefore spent out with four of her female friends, visiting a number of nightclubs, having a good laugh and dancing with various guys, but nobody was looking for any relationship. Everyone had fun, and nobody had too much to drink, out of deference to Jane, who was already a little concerned about the alcohol she had consumed immediately prior to, and after her wedding, at a time when she must have been pregnant. At first Denise found it quite difficult to dance wearing her new outfit, but gradually got used to what she was wearing and was happy to join in the fun fully confident that she would not give herself away. Eventually at about 2.00 am the party broke up and the participants went to their respective homes or places they were staying for the weekend.
(Next time Denise embarks on a path that could lead to some far-reaching changes.)
by Louise Anne Smithson
Book 4 Chapter 2
Getting ready for a date
‘Well young lady, did you enjoy yourself last night?’ asked Alison.
‘Yes thanks. I had a really great time. It was a lot of fun getting dressed up to go out dancing with a bunch of girls’.
‘I'm glad you enjoyed yourself. You're also getting to be a good dancer’.
‘Thanks; now that I've got used to wearing heels, I find I can dance in them as well.’
‘So how did you get on wearing the gaff?’ asked Alison.
‘Not too bad for the bulk of the time, in fact I've put one on again this morning. The only problem I had was when that bloke I was dancing with tried to kiss me. I didn't fancy him, but nevertheless I found that my brain was frantically sending signals down below to pump some blood into my poor member, but it was strapped down and there was nowhere for it to go. I felt as if I might explode. In the end I had to go to the ladies put my hands in cold water and force myself to think about other things until the urges subsided.’
‘What happened to the bloke?’ said Alison laughing.
‘By the time I emerged from the ladies he'd found someone else to dance with, I was relieved to discover.’
‘You can always tell any guy that hits on you to get lost — most of them half expect it,’ added Alison.
Denise suddenly became quite thoughtful.
‘Yes I know, but what will I do if I quite like the guy in question?’
‘You mean what are you going to do when you go to Brighton next weekend?’
Denise blushed.
‘Yes, I suppose I do.’
‘You don’t have to wear the gaff.’
‘I know, but it won’t be very sexy if we get into a clinch and we both get a hard on at the same time.’
It was now Alison’s turn to blush a little.
‘It isn't a problem that I've ever had to face Denise.’
‘It's a new phenomenon for me as well. It looks as if I'm beginning to turn into a guy after all. Puberty is beginning to kick in, albeit five years late. The next thing will be my voice starting to break and my having to shave every day.’
‘I'm not sure about that, you certainly don’t look or sound like a guy,’ said Alison soothingly.
‘Or feel like one, for that matter. Over the last few weeks I've really begun to discover my true self, and now just as I'm coming to terms with who I want to be, my body is going to start playing tricks on me.’
‘Denise, I think you will need to consult a psychiatrist first, but there are tablets that you can take to prevent you getting an erection and block the effects of male puberty,’ said Alison.
‘How do you know all this?’ asked Denise.
‘I work for a pharmaceutical company and we have a database that lists the side-effects of different drugs. When Sue suggested that we got you a gaff I did some background research to see how professional female impersonators dealt with the problem’ replied Alison.
‘So what do professional impersonators do?’
‘Well it is difficult to generalise but some of them take female hormones, or androgen blockers but you need to be very careful as if you take them for too long they could change your body permanently.’
‘Such as growing my own boobs.’
‘That might well happen if you started to take large doses of oestrogen but I was actually referring to an androgen blocker such as Aldactone which prevents the signals from the brain from reaching your penis.’
‘What would happen if I started to take that?’
‘In the short term, probably not a lot other than it would solve your erection problem, but if you continued to take them for several months there could be longer term or even permanent effects.’
‘Such as?’
‘Well you're clearly a very late physical developer, and although you'll probably not now grow any taller, the testosterone that is being produced by your body will gradually make you more manly looking over the next few years. Taking an androgen blocker would certainly slow down or perhaps even stop that process. In the short term they would probably do you no harm, but if you took too many it could make you impotent.’
‘I've been wondering about the possibility of taking hormones,’ said Denise. ‘Is there anywhere I can get more information on their long-term effects?
‘I’ll show you some web sites if you wish, but I suggest that you think very carefully before taking oestrogen and also get some professional advice in case you do any permanent damage or find yourself going down a path from which you are unable to return.’
Denise sighed.
‘It's just that these days I feel so much more alive and comfortable in myself living and working as a woman than I ever did as a man.’
‘I never knew Denis, but Sue tends to agree and thinks that you're a more interesting person to know since you became Denise. But I'm not going to advise you about whether or not to start taking hormones - only you can decide that — preferably with psychiatric and medical advice.’
‘I know Alison, but I should like to find out more information on the subject, but don’t worry I won't be doing anything rash.’
Their conversation moved on to other things until at about 11.00 am Denise’s telephone rang. She looked at the display and saw that it was John.
‘Hi John, how are you on this lovely day?’ she asked cheerfully.
‘Fine thanks, I just wondered how your birthday bash went last night?’ he asked.
‘It was really good fun — a true girls’ night out - but everyone behaved themselves including your two cousins,’ she replied.
‘I'm not worried about my cousins; they're old enough to look after themselves. But did you have a good time?’
‘Yes thanks, although I did feel a little guilty about putting you off,’ she answered.
‘Don’t worry Denise, you can make it up to me next weekend.’
‘Maybe, but we’ll have to see how you behave, in the meanwhile.’
They chatted together in a similar tone for a few minutes and then he rang off.
Alison sat quietly until she'd finished her call and then commented ‘it sounds as if you're quite taken with him.’
Denise blushed slightly and shrugged.
‘He has always accepted me as I am, without any question, and I quite liked him when we met at Jane’s wedding. I just wish that his cousins would stop trying to push us together.’
‘So are you sure you're ready to go out with a guy?’
If I'm going to live as a girl for the rest of the summer, I may as well go the whole hog and find myself a boyfriend.’
‘You should do whatever you think is right for you, and not be influenced by anyone else,’ said Alison.
‘I just hope everything works out alright for us next weekend.’
‘Would you like me to get you some Aldactone?’
‘Yes please, but I would rather you didn't mention it to the others until I know what I'm going to do in the longer term.’
‘Alright, but please be careful and make sure that you've read up on the subject before you start to take them on a regular basis.’
Denise handed over £30, which Alison said would be more than enough for a month’s supply.
Ten minutes later Sue emerged from her bedroom.
‘What would you like to do today Denise? I have to go food shopping and pick up my dry cleaning, but otherwise I'm free.’
‘Why don’t I cook us all dinner and then we can stay in and spend the evening watching some of your girly videos?’
‘I'll stay for dinner’ said Alison, ‘but I'ave arranged to meet my boyfriend this evening.’
‘Your idea is fine by me and we can give one another a facial at the same time,’ replied Sue.
The three of them went out shopping together at the local food market, and in the afternoon Denise began to prepare their evening meal whilst Sue and Alison caught up with cleaning their flat. Sue and Denise spent their evening giving one another beauty treatments and watching sentimental movies. One odd thing was that Denise suddenly realised that she was now identifying with the heroines of these films, feeling happy or sad for them found, or annoyed when they did something stupid, even looking critically at the clothes they were wearing. She even allowed herself to shed a tear at the emotional scenes — something that Denis would previously have struggled to stop himself from doing.
‘I enjoyed going out dancing last night, bur in a different way I've had just as much fun staying in this evening,’ commented Denise with her hair in rollers and her face covered in green goo.
‘Maybe so, girls can be affectionate friends with one another, but it isn't the same as having a boyfriend, to take you out and treat you like a real lady,’ answered Sue.
‘No I suppose not. In that case we'll both have to get ourselves fixed up.’
The following day Denise left Sue's flat after an early lunch claiming that she needed to do some laundry. However, as soon as she returned to the empty flat she got out her laptop and started to look for information from the web about the effects and dangers of taking various hormones. She read for a couple of hours and then transferred some pages on to her data stick to look at later. Samantha arrived back from her sister’s house late on Sunday night and the two friends just had time for a brief chat recounting their experiences on Friday evening and comparing notes about their respective weekends before going to bed.
On Monday morning Denise took care with her hair and makeup knowing that she would not be modelling for a few days and so would not get much opportunity to look at herself in the mirror to fix them during the day. She also put on one of the gaffs given to her by Sue, as she wanted to get used to wearing them and going to the toilet with one on. It was now a full month since they had started work on the catalogue, which was one-third of the time budgeted for. Sue had calculated that they had completed work on not quite a quarter of the stock, so it did not take a mathematical genius to realise that they would not be finished by the time Samantha went back to University. Nevertheless Helen appeared pleased with the progress made and was anxious to launch the incomplete web site as quickly as possible. Thus Denise spent her week mounting the existing catalogue on the web site and setting up the required links. The work involved sitting at a computer screen for much of the day. In order to relieve the boredom, whenever she had the opportunity to do so, she exchanged affectionate text messages with John, via the messaging system. He was also in process of learning a new job and so was spending a fair amount of time at his own computer screen.
The new website launched on Tuesday 20th July 2004 and once it was up and running Denise sent out large numbers of emails to their customers, in Helen’s name, alerting them to the developments and inviting them to sample and comment. Midway through the morning Sue handed her a small package, which she said was from Alison. Fortunately it was obvious that Denise was pressed for time and Samantha was just changing for the next picture, so there was no time for Sue to ask any awkward questions about the package. Denise thanked her and put the box in her handbag before returning to her computer screen. Shortly afterwards she took a toilet break and swallowed the first of the pills, deciding that she would take one a day until the weekend and then re-assess how she felt.
That evening Samantha was due to go out with some friends from university. She had tried to persuade Denise to go with her, but the latter was looking forward to an evening on her own, both to think about the package that was sitting in her handbag and also to read through all of the documents she had downloaded the previous Sunday and had printed at work the previous day. Thus she spent her evening reading about the role of oestrogens and anti-androgens, and the effects that they had on the body. In fact there were enough Aldactone tablets to last her for the two months, that her contract had left to run if she decided to take one each day as recommended. Having taken the first tablet that morning she half expected something dramatic to happen. Nothing did. She felt no different. Clearly any changes that took place would be gradual.
On the Wednesday evening she and Samantha had a long chat over their evening meal and it was their first opportunity to catch up with one another’s news since the previous weekend since they had both been so busy in the office. Denise explained about her work on the website and how things seemed to be going quite well.
‘This afternoon we've received the first positive feedback and electronic orders from customers. If we continue without a hitch, I think this could change the whole nature of Helen’s business,’ commented Denise.
‘Good, Sue and I also made quite good progress today’, replied Samantha.
‘How have you found modelling on your own this week?’
‘It's surprisingly hard work to be constantly in the limelight. I still enjoy it but I think I preferred it when the two of us were working together’ she replied.
‘Don’t worry, I’ll be back next week, and no doubt I'll have my turn to work on my own after you've left us.'
‘Yes, actually Denise there was something that I wanted to discuss with you on that matter.’
‘What's that?’
‘Have you given any thought to what you intend to do once I go back to University in the third week of September?’ she asked.
‘Not really, I guess I’ll revert to my previous job at work, although there's now likely to be more for me to do relating to the web site and ordering system.’
‘What about your living accommodation?’
‘Well I should like to remain here for as long as you'll let me. I believe there will be enough work to employ me as Denise until the end of October.’
‘And then what?’
Denise thought for a moment, wondering whether to say what was in her mind or leave it until she had a clearer idea of what she wanted to do.
‘I don’t really know, I suppose I'll have to decide whether I would like to remain living as I am or else start looking for somewhere else to live.’
‘The trouble is that if you were to leave here at the end of October then I would have great difficulty in finding another lodger as all the students will be fixed up for the academic year, whereas if you were to leave just as the term was about to begin, as we originally agreed, I'd have no trouble in finding someone. In fact a couple of my friends are already looking for rooms for the next academic year.’
‘Oh, I didn’t realise that there would be a problem with me staying on’ said Denise.
‘Please don’t get me wrong, I really enjoy having you as a flat mate, and would love for you to stay on, but could it be for a little bit longer than the end of October — let us say to the end of the year?
‘You want me to stay on as Denise for the next five months?’
‘It could be longer if you wanted. You have all the clothes you need, and appear to enjoy living as Denise. I can't see Helen or any of your colleagues objecting if you did stay on for a few more weeks, particularly as they'll probably have some modelling work for you for part of that time as new designs are brought into stock.’
‘I don’t know Samantha, I've had a great time so far this summer, but will you let me have a week to think carefully about my future and whether I would rather stay here as Denise or find somewhere else to live as Denis?’
‘Yes of course, take until the end of the month to decide what you'd like to do, but I would like to know your plans by the beginning of August please.’
‘There's one thing though Sam. I like living and chatting with you, but in the longer term I'm going to need a little more privacy. There'll be some things that I won't want to discuss with you, or else will only want to discuss them when I 'm ready to do so., and you must accept that. Also, I would rather that you didn't keep seeking to engineer a relationship between me and your cousin.’
‘Oh, I am sorry if I seem to be interfering but I was just trying to be helpful.’
‘Maybe but there are some things I have to work out for myself without your help. I'll be seeing John this weekend and I'ill have to see how it works out.’
‘I hope you have such a good time with him that you'll want to remain his girl friend for the next few months.’
‘If I do, it will be my decision’ answered Denise.
‘Alright then, I understand.’
Denise took her fourth tablet on Friday morning and would continue with them daily. It was also becoming second nature for her to put on one of her gaffs each day and then rinse it out each evening.
John eventually rang her mobile — the first time they'd actually spoken to one another, since the previous Saturday.
‘Hello stranger’ answered Denise, ‘you haven’t telephoned me all week?’
‘Sorry, but I've been so busy, and was under the impression that you were pretty busy as well. In any event we have been exchanging messages?’ he replied.
‘Yes but anyone could have sent those messages — you might even have asked your secretary to reply to them’ said Denise, teasing.
‘Believe me; my secretary is middle-aged and quite fierce. There's no way that I'd ask her to do anything personal for me.’
‘Alright, I’ll believe you. So what can I do for your today?’
‘What are the arrangements for Saturday and Brighton?’
‘We can check into the hotel room any time after 3.00 pm, and I'll need an hour or so to get ready if we are going out on Saturday night, other than that there are no arrangements.’
‘In that case why don’t I collect you at about 10.00 am and then we can have lunch and a look around the town before checking into the hotel.’
‘That suits me, fine.’
Although they were only going away for two days, Denise took a lot of trouble on Friday evening in deciding exactly what she was going to wear on the journey to Brighton and the outfits that she would take with her, even down to her underwear and makeup. She was a little apprehensive about the weekend but also looking forward to it. She checked the weather forecast and learned that it was likely to be a fine weekend. That was good news since she liked to wear summer dresses and the outfit bought for her by her mother and sister would be fine for when they went out on Saturday night. At night she decided she wear the lacy pink nightdress given to her by Samantha two months before. Having decided what to wear she checked her legs and arms. It was a week since she had last de-fuzzed them and they were still pretty smooth, but she wanted to be absolutely sure that she would look her best for the weekend and so smoothed depilatory cream on them once more. She went to bed imagining what she would like to happen over the coming weekend.
(Next time Denise and John enjoy a trip to the seaside.)
by Louise Anne Smithson
Book 4 Chapter 3
Brighton
John and Jane had breakfast together on Saturday morning, before he left to drive over to Shepherd’s Bush and pick up Denise. Her husband was still asleep and so she used the opportunity to have a heart to heart talk with her cousin.
‘I hope you have a good time in Brighton this weekend John.’
‘I’ll do my best.’
‘Have you got everything you might need?’
‘I believe so,’ he answered sounding a little puzzled.
‘How about these?’ she said passing him a box of condoms.
He blushed.
‘Actually Denise wants us to sleep in separate beds,’ he replied.
‘Well in that case it will be up to you to change her mind then. It would be a shame if you both passed up such an opportunity of getting to know one another.’
‘Yes I suppose so, Jane, but I don't want to pressurise her into sleeping with me if she does not want to.’
‘No, of course not, but I suspect that deep down, she does want to, but will need a little bit of re-assurance to recognise that fact.’
‘I hope you're right. We’ll just have to see what happens,’ he said, putting the box into his pocket.
He arrived at Shepherd’s Bush about forty-five minutes later. Denise was packed and her suitcase was standing in the hall, but Samantha informed him that she was just putting the finishing touches to her makeup. He loaded her case into the boot, noting with bemusement, that it was somewhat larger than his own, and then returned to wait for her. A few minutes later Denise appeared wearing her light blue summer dress with bare legs in white open-toed sandals. Her handbag and jewellery had been chosen with care. As usual, her hair and makeup were immaculate. Her fingernails and toe nails were painted deep red, to match her lipstick. In spite of his determination to play things cool, John could not stop himself from complimenting her on her appearance.
‘You look really lovely this morning Denise.’
‘Thank you, kind sir,’ she said smiling and then gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. She had then to rub off the lipstick mark, with a tissue.
‘I’ll see you tomorrow night, Denise, and I hope you both have a good time,’ said Samantha.
‘I'm sure we will,’ said John, taking Denise’s free hand and leading her to his car, and then opening the passenger door for her.
Denise turned to smile and say goodbye to her friend. She then carefully manoeuvred herself into the seat so as not to crease her dress. Samantha looked wistfully at them and waved as they drove off.
The couple chatted together quite happily during the two hour drive, talking about their respective jobs and housemates, the late July weather, the countryside they were passing through and finally, what they planned to do over the weekend. Neither of them had visited Brighton before and were both looking forward to exploring the town and enjoying the break from their usual routines. They were also both a little nervous about the forthcoming weekend, but were doing their best not to show it.
They arrived and, remarkably, had found somewhere to park near to their hotel by midday. Since their room would not be available until 3.00 pm, they left their luggage in the car boot and went for a walk along the seafront. Later they found their way to ‘The Lanes’, an area of narrow passages, looking for somewhere to have lunch. They settled upon an attractive bistro with tables outside in a small square, surrounded by eighteenth century fishermen’s cottages, now converted into fashionable shops. They ate pannini and drank coffee and afterwards strolled around the shops for half an hour. So far, all seemed to be going well: their conversation had been relaxed and friendly with no awkwardness between them.
They returned to the car just as the three hours they had paid for was about to expire and a traffic warden was hovering a few yards away and so they drove to the hotel. John deposited her at the front entrance so that she could check in, whilst he found the entrance to their car park. There were two desk clerks, a young man and a young woman. The man was engaged at a computer screen when she arrived, so Denise gravitated towards the other, but as soon as he noticed her, he leapt up from his seat anxious to serve her, knocking his chair over in the process. He blushed and his colleague smiled as she saw what had happened, and rolled her eyes so that only Denise could see as if to say ‘Men!’. Denise handed over the gift voucher for the room, and felt a frisson of pleasure as he referred to her as ‘Madame’ and showed by his demeanour that he admired her.
There was only one slightly awkward moment, however: although there was no further charge for the room, the hotel asked for the production of a credit card in case there was any use of the minibar, telephone, or room service. Denise had no credit card and Denis’s bank card, which showed the initials D.A. Symons, was not acceptable. Just at that moment, John emerged from the lift bringing him from the car park, with both of their cases, and he saved the day.
Their room was on the ninth floor and luxurious with its en-suite bathroom, two queen sized beds and a nice view of the sea and the Palace Pier.
‘Which bed would you prefer?’ asked John, sounding a little embarrassed as he asked.
‘The one closest to the dressing table, please’ answered Denise.
He put her case on a rack next to her bed and his own next to the other. She proceeded to hang her dresses in the wardrobe and transfer her underwear to the drawers and cosmetics on the dressing table.
‘Shall we go out and have a walk on the pier when you're finished?’ he asked.
‘Ok, that will be nice, but I'd like to be back here by 6.30 pm. I'll need a bit of time to get myself ready if we are going out to dinner and then on to a night club,’ she replied.
After an hour or so of sampling the various sights and entertainments on the Palace Pier, they sat down and watched some fishermen land some fish. To Denise this was about as interesting as watching paint dry or a football match, but John seemed to be interested in the proceedings.
‘Why don’t I go back to the hotel now and have the first shower. You can join me in about forty-five minutes?’ suggested Denise after ten minutes.
‘That’s ok, I’ll walk with you back to the hotel,’ he replied.
‘John I don’t think I need an escort on Brighton seafront in broad daylight; you stay here for a while and let me have some time to get myself changed. I suggest you should come back around 7.00 pm.’
‘Alright, if you are sure.’
‘Thanks,’ she said, momentarily touching his hand. ‘I’ll see you later.’
When John returned to the room, he found that Denise had already showered and changed into the blue-grey lingerie set that he had given her for her birthday the previous week, and was just attaching the stockings to the suspenders. They both blushed slightly as he had never seen her half dressed before. She felt herself slightly exposed and vulnerable without her dress and makeup.
‘That colour really suits you,’ he said. ‘I can’t take the credit for choosing it though; it was Samantha’s suggestion, I would not have known what to get you.’
‘Well thank you for the compliment, and indeed for buying them for me, even if the colour scheme was your cousin’s idea.’
He looked a little awkward so Denise broke the silence.
‘This is the first time I have worn them. I've also got a brand new dress to wear tonight as well. You see, I’ve been saving them up especially for your benefit,’ she said a little hesitantly.
‘I am truly honoured,’ he answered.
‘So you should be,’ she answered, regaining her confidence and smiling. ‘So let us finish getting ourselves ready and go out and get something to eat.’
Whilst John was showering, Denise put on her makeup and her grandmother’s sapphire necklace and inserted the pendant earrings. Finally, she put on her new blue silk dress and a pair of high heels, and admired herself in the mirror. Once again she was satisfied with the way she looked.
She did not say anything when John emerged from the bathroom having showered and changed, but she could see the look of admiration on his face.
‘My goodness, you do look lovely in that outfit’.
‘Yes, I believe I do,’ she said smiling, ‘but thanks for mentioning it, all the same. Now let me help you with your tie and let’s go out and get some dinner.’
Denise loved Asian food, whereas John was not very adventurous in his eating habits. When he asked where she wanted to have dinner, she mentioned a Mongolian restaurant in Middle Street, which she had found on the Internet.
‘It is just off the Sea Front and not far from our hotel, she said encouragingly. He looked somewhat alarmed by the prospect, but agreed that they would at least have a look at it.
‘From the description it sounds as if it is fairly informal and has had very good reviews. It is a buffet so you'll be able to choose exactly what you want to eat,’ she said as they approached the restaurant.
‘It is more likely to be a question of avoiding what I don’t want to eat. However, it is your birthday treat, and I'm sure that I'll enjoy myself as I am with such a lovely companion,’ he replied.
Denise coloured a little, but was quite pleased with the compliment.
‘Shall we go inside then?’ she asked.
They were shown to a table, and then went up to the serving table and selected their dishes. John was rather conservative in his choice of food and only half-filled his plate with items he could readily recognise. Denise, on the other hand, piled her plate high with a full range of what was on offer.
‘You seem to have a healthy appetite this evening Denise’.
‘Some of this is for you to try. I want to persuade you to be a bit more adventurous. I'll try each item first, and unless it is awful I will then expect you to try some.’
They had a happy meal together, with Denise periodically feeding him morsels from her plate and then laughing at his reaction. By the end they had both eaten well, and John even admitted that he'd enjoyed most of the food.
‘Thank you for the meal, that was good fun,’ she said as they were leaving.
‘No, thank you for persuading me to go there. The next time I am in Outer Mongolia, I'll know exactly what to order,’ he replied, with a smile.
It was only 9.00 pm when they left the restaurant, far too early to go to a night club. The sun was beginning to set and so Denise suggested they should go for another walk along the seafront for an hour. She wanted to raise a matter that had been on her mind for the whole of the previous week.
‘John, I've been having a great time so far this weekend, and you're such a lovely guy that I don't want to lead you on.’
He sighed.
‘I know, but I've already agreed that we'll be sleeping in separate beds tonight.’
‘It isn't just that. I enjoy your company and I love the way you treat me when we go out together, but you must realise that ultimately this relationship is going nowhere.’
‘Does it have to be going anywhere?’ he asked in reply. ‘Denise, I'm under no illusions about you and I realise that it all must come to an end in September, but in the meanwhile can’t we just be friends for the summer?’
‘’Yes of course we can be friends, but there is also nearly seven years difference in our respective ages. Wouldn't you be better off finding yourself a girlfriend in her twenties where there might be some long-term future to the relationship?’
He turned to look in her eyes.
‘Denise, believe me I've thought about all the difficulties and complications in going out with you, but you make me feel good about myself and give me more confidence than any other woman I've known. As I said before , I enjoy being in the company of someone as lovely as you are.’
‘John, if we do continue to see one another, there'ill come a day when it will be time for one of us to say goodbye. When that happens there must be no sorrow or recriminations on either part’.
‘Yes, I understand that.’
Denise hesitated.
‘In that case I'll be happy to be your girlfriend for the summer, but I also hope you soon find someone more suitable to go out with.’
‘We’ll just have to see,’ he said and leaned across to take her hand.
Denise smiled gently and left her hand within his grasp for a while, and they watched the last rays of the sun disappear below the horizon. She then lifted his arm around her shoulder, and snuggled up close to him. He looked into her eyes, and she did her best to answer him with a look that said , ‘come on then, kiss me!’
Eventually he got the message and plucked up courage to do so. She responded and a tide of pleasure went through her body, but there were no embarrassing physical stirrings between her legs.
‘Thank you Alison and your Aldactone’, she thought to herself.
For the second Saturday night running Denise had a great time on the dance floor, but this time she was not part of a group of girls, but had her own dance partner, who was going to look after her for the evening. She did however wish he could have been a little more adventurous as a dancer, but then she remembered how shy and awkward Denis had always been on the dance floor, and so forgave him. John, on the other hand, was proud to be in the company of such an attractive partner and noticed the envious glances from several other male dancers.
They stayed dancing until about 1.30 am and then walked back to the hotel, arm in arm, chattering happily with one another. Once they got back to their room, Denise turned to her escort.
‘Thank you for a lovely evening, I have really enjoyed myself.’
‘Me too.’
They shared one more lingering kiss before Denise went over to the dressing table and began to get herself undressed and take off her jewellery, whilst John had another quick shower. By the time Denise emerged from her shower and put on her nightdress, John was already in his bed. She started to brush her hair.
‘Do you mind me watching you brush your hair? You look so nice.’
She got up and sat on the edge of his bed.
‘No; of course not, she replied.
She continued to brush it for a minute or so.
‘Would you like to help me to deal with it?’ she asked tentatively
‘If I may,’ he replied, equally nervously.
She handed him the brush and he gently continued to brush it and stroke it with his spare hand. After a while he put it into a loose plait, following her instructions. She was now ready for bed and there was an awkward pause in the conversation. Eventually Denise broke the silence.
‘I think I'd like to exercise the traditional female prerogative and change my mind about the sleeping arrangements, if you don't object.’
‘You would like me to move to the other bed?’ he asked.
‘No, I think I'd like to join you in this one - if I may,’ she replied.
He held out his arms and they snuggled up to one another.
John was not a virgin, but he had never been under the thrall of a woman before. Denise was, but nevertheless she seemed to know instinctively what was necessary for them both to reach their own personal fulfilment. With John it took the form of a physical action, a culmination, whereas with Denise it was rather an internal sense of well-being as she pleasured him and afterwards enjoyed his caresses. The fact that she had unused plumbing tucked out of the way was an irrelevance, almost an embarrassment. As a young man, she had never considered herself to be gay — she was if anything asexual. However, now she had adopted, and indeed embraced, the female role. There was not the slightest doubt in her mind that, in spite of all the confusion over her gender identity, the impermanence of their relationship, and the problems that might lay ahead, there was nowhere she would rather be at that moment, than in the arms of this man.
(Next time At last Denise has a clear idea of what she wants from life.)
Book 4 Chapter 4
Where do we go from here?
As she lay next to him she tried to make sense of her feelings; both about herself and those towards this man lying in bed next to her. He was bigger and stronger than she was; he was several years older, somewhat more prosperous, better educated, had a better paid job than she had, and yet it was she who held the reins in their relationship. It was she who would decide when they would get up and go out, or indeed whether they would stay in bed and make love again. She would also decide how long their relationship would last, and when it was time for one or both of them to move on. She could even break his heart, if she ever chose to do so. Of course, she would, in time allow him to make some unimportant decisions - where it did not matter - just to give him the impression that he had a degree of control over their relationship. She was not in love with John, but she did quite like him and would not want to hurt him if it could be avoided.
What had brought about this remarkable change from the shy and awkward young man at the beginning of May? The answer was obvious. By adopting the clothing, appearance and mannerisms of a young woman, she had given herself enormous power without realising it. Denise thought back to two weekends ago, on the train to Norwich, where a young man had insisted on helping her to put her case on the luggage rack, although it was not really necessary, and in doing so he risked the irritation of his own girl-friend. She thought of the hotel desk clerk the previous day, making a fool of himself in front of his colleague, just so that he could serve her. She smiled as she recalled various other incidents over the last few weeks where men had gone out of their way to be helpful or even to be noticed by her. An attractive young woman had power and influence over members of the opposite sex, whereas Denis had been ineffective and overlooked. Hitherto, she had tended to avoid male company, partly because she had always found men’s conversation to be a little dull, and until very recently she had lacked the necessary self-confidence to be able to deal with them as a woman. But that was in the past, now she was happy to have some male company for a change, having spent the last few weeks almost entirely with females. She must learn how to make the most of the power so unexpectedly given to her. She had also noticed, as they went out clubbing the previous evening, that the mere fact of having a male escort to fetch her drinks or hold open the door for her, somehow gave her more status as a woman.
Of course that the power given to her would not last for ever; it was entirely dependent on her looks, which, in her case, would probably disappear faster than for a genetic woman, as her body began to produce more testosterone. As a young man, Denis’s beard had been very light, and he had only ever shaved his face once a week, but that would soon begin to change. Now she carefully checked her face every night in private looking for any signs of growth, and found the task to be humiliating, whereas she thought nothing of spending an evening with her housemate waxing one another’s arms and legs. Likewise having to remove her breasts periodically was distasteful and demeaning and needed to be done in private. How much easier would her life be if she could transform herself into the woman that she was beginning to feel she should always have been in the first place?
She could now understand why older women invested in expensive cosmetic products and plastic surgery in an attempt to retain the power and influence of their youth. If they could do it, then why couldn’t she also do so, and at the same time take steps to prevent her from becoming more like a man? During the previous week she had investigated the Internet and identified several documents that showed her the extent to which this would be possible. She would at least have a good start with her androgynous features and build, upon which she might start to develop with the help of hormones and plastic surgery. She would never be able entirely to rectify what she now began to think of as nature’s mistake, but she was convinced that she would be able to live a successful life as a transgendered woman. It would undoubtedly be a long, difficult, and perhaps even a painful task, but she could now see clearly what she wanted from life, and wanted to begin as soon as possible. The next task must be to regularise her situation and to acknowledge herself as a pre-operative transsexual to her family, friends, workmates, and above all, to herself.
She had the Aldactone tablets which would prevent her testosterone from doing any more damage to her looks, but her supply would run out in a few weeks, and Alison had made it clear that she would not be able to keep supplying her without a doctor’s prescription. She must now return home, register with a specialist who would provide her with the drugs she needed and start to make plans for her new life. However, it was Sunday morning and was lying in a hotel bed in Brighton. She would never be able to find a doctor or make an appointment on that day. The man who had brought her there in his car was lying next to her. It would have been possible for her to quietly pack and leave and catch a train home, whilst he continued sleeping, but what would be the point? She had so far enjoyed her trip to Brighton and was determined to continue to do so.
She gently squeezed and released his penis until he began to stir, and then leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.
‘Wake up, sleepy head’, she said.
He smiled.
‘What time is it?’
‘It's nearly 8.00 am.’
‘Can’t I sleep a little longer, I was having a lovely dream, and we don't need to check out of the room until midday.’
‘No, it is a lovely day and there are things to be said, things to be done, and places to visit,’ she replied.
‘What sort of things?’ he asked, returning to full consciousness.
‘First of all I need us to talk about last night.’
‘What is there to say? It was great last night, I had a wonderful time. I hope you did so as well.’
‘Yes I did, but you must understand that nothing that happened in bed last night changes what was said earlier in the evening. I'll be your girlfriend, and maybe your lover for the summer, but that's all,’ she said seriously.
‘Oh! But I was half hoping you would use your prerogative to change your mind once again, as you did about sharing my bed.’
‘No John! I'm afraid that will not happen,’ she said feeling a little sorry for his disappointment, but never wavering in her determination.
‘But that's hardly fair on me‘, he said.
‘No, it isn’t, and in the longer term you would be better off finding someone else to go out with. However, I do like you a lot and am only trying to be honest with you. I'll be happy to go out with you for the remainder of the summer, and perhaps we may make love from time to time, if you wish, but nothing more. Take it or leave it?’
‘In that case I suppose I've no choice but to accept your offer.’
‘Good! Now you may make love to me once again, as you did last night.’
The couple eventually emerged from their room just before 10.30 and were just in time to catch a late breakfast before the dining room finished serving.
‘So what’s next on the agenda for today, another dose of the same after breakfast,’ said John jokingly.
‘Certainly not, answered Denise, as she took another Aldactone tablet. I don’t want to wear you out, and in any event we won’t have time. It may be possible for you to sling your clothes in a suitcase and be out of the room in five minutes, but I'm going to need some more time to do my hair and put on some more makeup,’.
‘You really don’t need to, you look lovely just as you are,’ said John.
‘That is kind of you to say so, but wearing makeup is as much about how you feel about yourself as it is about how you look. I'll need an hour to get ready and pack properly. Why don’t you stay in the lounge and read a newspaper. Then we can go and visit the ‘Royal Pavilion’ this afternoon.
They checked out of the hotel and found somewhere to leave the car for the rest of the day, and left their luggage in the boot. They did not bother with lunch and the rest of the day was spent enjoyably enough walking hand in hand as a couple tourists in the town. However, as time went on, Denise became increasingly pre-occupied with her own thoughts and particularly her decision to undergo full transition, leading to gender re-assignment surgery. Fortunately John was still feeling the warm glow of having had sex on several occasions with his beautiful companion, and so at first he did not notice that her mind was on other things from time to time. The more she thought about it, the more far-reaching the implications appeared to be, but not for one moment did she reconsider or have any doubts about the wisdom of what she was planning. Her first step would be to have a talk with Alison, who seemed to know a certain amount about the subject, and was also separate from her work. Denise did not want to tell anyone else for the time being until she had made contact with a therapist and knew something about the likely timetable and financial implications of her proposed course of action. Finally, as they were leaving the Royal Pavilion, at about 4.00 pm John eventually noticed that his questions weren’t being answered.
‘I asked if you wanted to go for a cup of tea?’ he asked again, slightly raising the volume.
‘Oh sorry! I was miles away; I was thinking about last night and this morning,’ she replied.
He smiled at the implied compliment.
‘Well, my lady, what would you like to do now?’
‘If you don’t mind, I would like to sit down for a while, I suddenly feel a little bit dizzy.’
‘Oh dear, are you ok, you have gone very pale,’ he said helping her to a seat in the park nearby.
‘I’ll be alright in a minute, I didn't get much sleep last night, I was rather too preoccupied,’ she replied.
‘Take it easy, I’ll get you a bottle of water’, he said, pointing to a café a few yards away.
He returned a few minutes later and she took a sip and seemed to regain some of the colour to her face.
‘John, I've had a wonderful time this weekend, but would you mind if we brought it to an end now and made our way back to London ? There's something I have to do this evening and I'd rather not be late to bed as I'm working in the morning.’
‘Oh! Alright then, if we must,’ he answered a little sadly, but not questioning her request.
She felt a little mean to be cutting their weekend short, but was anxious to talk to Alison as soon as possible, and in person. It would be far easier to do so on a Sunday evening than wait for another time later in the week when she might be working or planning to see her boyfriend.
‘However, it has been a great weekend, and so maybe we could go somewhere out of London next weekend?’ she said giving him a kiss on the cheek.
John beamed and confirmed that he would organise something over the next few days and then let her know the arrangements. The implication of his taking her out of London would be that they could once again share a bed together, something that would otherwise be difficult in their present living accommodation.
As John drove them back, firstly along the dual carriageway over the Sussex downs, and then on to the motorway past Gatwick Airport and through the outer London conurbation in Surrey, Denise sent a text message to Alison.
Hi Ally! Can we meet this eve? Urgnt mattr 2 discus! Lol Denise xx,
The reply came through after about five minutes.
My place 7+, hope nthng rong! Ally xx
She responded.
CU 7.30- nothing rong — jst need advice D
‘Who are you texting to?’ he asked.
‘None of your business,’ she thought to herself, but did not say as much as she did not want to burst his bubble of happiness. ‘
‘Just a girl friend, nothing for you to worry about.’
She reached across and gently stroked his earlobe, as he continued driving.
‘You will make us crash if you're not careful!’ he said laughing.
‘In that case you had better keep your eyes and your mind on the road and both hands on the steering wheel’, she answered mischievously.
‘I do love you Denise’, he said.
‘No you don’t’, she answered quickly, ‘but that doesn't mean we cannot have fun together this summer.’
John delivered her to Shepherd’s Bush by 6.30 pm, and after a five-minute goodbye kiss she managed to extricate herself and her suitcase.
‘Thank you for the meals this weekend, I’ve had a great time,’ she said.
‘Thank you for inviting me to Brighton, and for everything else,’ he replied. ‘It was worth being stood up on your birthday.’
‘In that case I’ll have to stand you up again some time,' she said laughing.
‘But not next weekend?’
'No, I promise to see you next weekend,’
‘I was also wondering whether we might also meet up mid-week?’ he asked tentatively.
‘Sorry John, I have too much to do this week,’ she replied, not wishing to commit to anything at this stage. ‘But I'm looking forward to next weekend and so please keep in touch by phone and email!’
‘Is there anywhere you would particularly like to visit, next weekend?’
‘No, you can choose, but there's just one favour I would like to ask of you’ she answered.
‘What is that?’
‘Can we both agree not to discuss the bedroom details of this weekend with either of your cousins?’
He laughed.
‘OK, that suits me, they are two lovely young ladies but they do like to interfere in other people’s lives.’
‘Exactly!’Thanks’.
Samantha had noticed John’s car arrive and was waiting for her friend in the flat.
‘Hi Denise, how was your weekend?’
‘It was great fun; an excellent idea for a birthday present thank you,’ she answered kissing her friend on the cheek.
‘But how did you get on with my cousin?’
‘Very well thanks, he was good company and yes we are seeing one another again next weekend, but I will have to tell you about it another time as I now need to get washed and changed and go out,’ she answered.
‘Oh, alright then,’ answered Samantha clearly disappointed with the response, but determined that she would find out more at a later date.
By 7.10 Denise had washed, changed and refreshed her makeup and was about to leave the flat once again.
‘That was quick. Are you going out with John again this evening?’ asked Samantha.
‘No we both have other things we need to do this evening,’ she replied. ‘I don’t think I'll be late, but don’t bother waiting up for me,’ she said and left the flat.
(Next time Denise goes to her friend Alison for some advice.)
Book 4 Chapter 5
Advice from Alison
Five minutes later she rang the doorbell and Alison invited her inside.
‘So you have at last decided to become a full-time member of the sisterhood,’ said Alison cheerfully as she poured two glasses.
‘How did you know that is what I wanted to talk to you about?’ asked Denise.
‘It was obvious since you were asking about female hormones last week and have just got back from a “dirty weekend” in Brighton with your new boyfriend.’
Denise blushed deeply.
‘It has nothing to do with my boyfriend, but I am seriously considering my future life, although I would rather the matter was not discussed with my workmates for the time being.’
‘Including Sue?’ said Alison.
‘Yes, just for the time being. You are the only person I could think of to discuss my future with. We do not work together nor are we related and you also seem to know something about the subject.’
‘Don’t worry, I promise to keep our conversation a secret. As to my knowing something about the subject, I suppose my work as a rep for a drug company has brought me into contact with some practitioners in the field, although I am hardly an expert’ she replied. ‘I did do a little background reading when I realised that this was the direction in which you were travelling.’
‘Has it been so obvious then?’
Alison smiled, knowingly.
‘Denise, it crossed my mind that this might be the outcome for you during that first weekend that we met back in May. Every time I have seen you since then I have been more convinced that my initial suspicions were right.’
‘Do the others think so as well?’
‘I have not discussed the subject with Sue or with any of your other friends when you were not present; but I can’t see it coming as a great surprise to anyone who has spent some time with you over the last few weeks.’
‘I suppose that is true, but I would still rather that you did not discuss this conversation with anyone else until I am clear in my own mind what I should do.’
‘Alright, then, but before I answer your questions, let me clarify a few points. First of all, are you talking about a sex-change operation or just to stay as you are full-time with the help of some hormones?’
‘I want to be able to live openly, successfully and permanently as a woman. I guess that will ultimately mean surgical intervention.’
‘You are already living quite successfully as a woman, so why do you want to go further?
‘It just feels the right thing for me. I want to carry on living and being accepted as a woman’.
‘You could probably do that without surgical intervention’.
‘Maybe but I hate having to pretend all the time. As far as possible, I want to have a woman’s body, and to experience the emotions of a woman.’
‘Any therapist will ask why you have decided now. Why was it not the right thing for you back in April, or this time last year?’
‘I don’t know exactly why things have come to a head at this time. It is as if once I dressed as a woman for the first time it opened a Pandora’s Box that cannot now be closed,’ she replied. ‘Something suddenly became apparent to me that was previously hidden, and I can never go back to how I was before.’
‘Exactly what was made apparent?’
‘That deep down in my soul I already was a woman, but a mistake had been made in the plumbing or the wiring somewhere along the line and something has caused me to bury this knowledge deep in my sub-conscious.’
‘I see,’ said Alison.
‘When I became Denise it was as if I were seeing the world in colour rather than black and white for the first time,’ continued Denise. ‘At first I told myself it was only temporary and that I could easily revert back to being Denis at any time I chose, but the more time that I spent as Denise the more I became addicted. After Jane’s wedding I wanted so much to continue living as a I was, but I was also frightened because I had enjoyed myself so much and it all felt so right for me. So I forced myself to change back into Denis, and go back to living a dreary life in a dreary room with no friends. However, fortunately fate was on Denise’s side and provided new opportunities for me to live and work as a woman.’
‘If I remember, Sue and I both encouraged you to remain as Denise for a while after the wedding.’
‘I know, and I wanted to agree with you but I also needed to discover for myself how much I preferred my life as a woman. As soon as I started my new job and moved in with Samantha I realised that this was how I was supposed to live my life. I may have maintained the myth with Samantha and my workmates that it will all come to an end in September but once my sister and my mother began to accept me as Denise it became inevitable that I would never go back.’
‘You are sure of that?’
‘I have never been so sure of anything in my life.’
‘So now you want to alter your body to correspond with the image have of yourself in your mind.’
‘I seem to be on the cusp between male and female. I may have the face and body size of a woman but I also have some of the physical attributes of a man. I hate the idea that the hormones I produce will gradually push me into manliness.
‘The Aldactone will slow that process down.’
‘Yes, but that is only part of the answer. I also hate having to wear these false breasts, which have to be removed once a month. It is so demeaning.’
‘That is nothing compared to what genetic women have to go through once a month,’ answered Alison a little acidly.
‘I know that, but I would be more than happy to accept all the inconveniences and disadvantages of being a woman in return for some of the advantages.’
‘And what are they?’ asked Alison, as if she did not know.
‘I suppose the ability to follow a gentler, friendly and caring lifestyle; not having to be so competitive and aggressive; the ability to have children.’
‘Some of those may be achievable for you, but the last never will.’
‘I know that. There is also the ability to look nice and to have fun experimenting with clothes, makeup hair styles etc, and the ability to attract members of the opposite sex and have them treat you well.'
‘I thought you said that this has got nothing to do with John and your recent trip to Brighton.’
‘Only in so far as it has helped to clear my mind, and reinforce my belief that I should have been a woman in the first place. I have had a good time this weekend playing at being the courtesan, but I am not in love with him and have told him so.
‘So what is your sexual orientation?’ asked Alison.
‘Utterly confused,’ answered Denise with a rueful laugh. ‘I do not know whether I am homosexual or heterosexual because I do not know where I am starting from. As a young man my behaviour was largely asexual, but I always enjoyed the company of women, and that is why I found my work to be so congenial. However, I do not know whether it was because I was attracted to women or subconsciously wanted to be one.’
‘But how have you felt since you have been living as a woman?
‘I enjoyed flirting with the lads when we went out clubbing together on my birthday. I also enjoyed the physical intimacy of having sex with John, but cannot say the earth moved for me. Having a boyfriend certainly adds an extra dimension to one’s life as a woman, but it is only “the icing on the cake”. My wish to live my life as Denise is far more fundamental than that.’
Alison for once looked very serious and the tone of her voice changed.
‘Be careful Denise, you may have perfected the art of putting on makeup doing your hair and flirting in front of the lads, but in many respects you are still very much a novice as a woman. OK so you may be able to flutter your eyelashes and have some guy eating out of your hand, but you need to make sure that you do not both get hurt in the process.’
Denise blushed.
‘I quite like John and think he has grown in confidence since we started going out together. But I have made it clear to him, that it is just a summer romance, and have been trying to keep everything under control.’
‘Again I warn you to be careful. You, above all, should know that guys are not always as tough as they think they are. Beautiful women, like you, have a lot of power: the respectable ones will use it responsibly. I think it was Kipling who described power without responsibility, as “the prerogative of the harlot throughout the ages,”’ said Alison.
Denise looked towards the floor.
‘I will do my best to let him down gently when the time comes.’
Alison remained silent for a while. Denise continued to feel a little guilty about her weekend, but was still convinced about her future. At last Alison spoke.
‘From what I have seen and heard from you over the last few weeks I am convinced that you are doing the right thing, but my opinion does not matter. In order for you to proceed any further you will first have to convince a psychiatrist that you are genuinely suffering from gender dysphoria, and there will be no long term regrets once you start to make irreversible changes to your body. To be honest, I can’t see him or her being convinced by a desire to make such a fundamental change to your life that is based on only three months.’
‘I have been reading a great deal on the subject on the Internet over the last few weeks, and I think I realise what will be expected of me. I will tell the psychiatrist that I have felt as if I should have been a woman for as long as I remember, but I was frightened of how my family and friends would react, if ever I admitted it to them.’
‘So in that case, how will you explain your reasons for taking this action now?’ asked Alison.
‘I will say that my job and my new flat have proved to me that I can successfully live and work as a woman and I have also now dealt with my fears of telling my mother and my sister,’ answered Denise.
‘That will certainly count in your favour,’ said Alison. ‘Will you mention that you have a boyfriend?’
‘I won’t volunteer the information but will tell the truth if I am asked. However, I do not want the psychiatrist to think that I am wishing to change sex as a means of improving my sex-life.”
Alison smiled, and looked carefully at the young woman sitting opposite her.
‘I suppose you do have the enormous advantage of presenting as a convincing young woman already, and you would not need to undergo masses of plastic surgery, speech therapy or facial hair removal procedures, as long as you can begin your transition soon.’
‘Exactly, that is why I need to start on hormone therapy as soon as I can, in case puberty sets in and I start becoming more like a man and need to shave each morning.’
‘It is odd the puberty has not really had much effect on you as yet. Have you considered the possibility that you are intersex,’ said Alison.
‘Yes, I looked it up on the Internet and got the impression that I would have started growing my own breasts by now, if I had been intersex,’ replied Denise.
‘I don’t really know enough about the subject; that is something for the doctors to discover. However, if you do prove to be intersex then it should not be difficult to convince a psychiatrist to accept you as a patient and recommend you for corrective surgery on the National Health.’
‘Assuming you do not prove to be intersex, how will you pay for the treatment, once you are accepted as a patient?’
‘I have around £2,500 in savings, and am due for a £1,000 bonus at the end of September.’
‘Two thousand pounds will just about pay for your initial consultations and the hormones as a private patient, you will ultimately need to find about five times that sum if you have an operation and breast enhancement. You could ask to be accepted as a National Health Service patient, but then you would have to go on a long waiting list.’
‘Now that I have made my mind up I want to proceed as quickly as possible. Maybe I could get a part-time job in the evenings or at weekends to earn some more money.’
‘With your looks you would not find it difficult to get a job in a bar or a club, but keep away from anything that might be deemed as related to the sex trade.’
Denise smiled.
‘Don’t worry, I have no intention of selling my body, I just want to live as a normal decent woman and be recognised as such.’
‘You will also need to change your name on various official documents and open a bank account as Denise. Do you have a passport and driving licence?’ asked Alison.
‘No, not yet, I only have a national insurance number and a bank account as Denis.’
‘In that case as soon as you have been officially diagnosed by a psychiatrist as Gender Dysphoric you will need to go ahead and legally change your name to Denise. You can then start to collect official documentation and start to build your identity as a woman. Unfortunately you will not be able to change your birth certificate, but when you can prove that you have successfully lived as a woman for two years full-time you should be able to get a Gender Recognition Certificate, and then you will be recognised as a woman, for all official purposes.’
‘That would be nice, but I have never heard of a Gender Recognition Certificate,’ said Denise.
‘I am not surprised; the law only came into operation earlier this month.’
‘So can you put me in touch with a therapist, Alison?’
‘There is a private clinic not far from where you work. They will give you an initial consultation without charge, but after that they are very pricey and it will be up to the psychiatrist to decide how many sessions you require before he refers you to an endocrinologist. However, they are quite fair and if you are honest about your financial situation from the outset they may be willing to reduce their fee or let you pay over an extended time.’
She wrote down an address, telephone number and web site on a slip of paper and handed it to Denise.
‘Think very carefully before you go any further and do some more homework. There is a mass of advice available on the Internet these days.’
‘Alright, I will do so, but I am sure this is the right thing for me.’
‘In that case, good luck, and I have something for you.’
She handed over a small paper bag.
‘It is another month’s supply of Aldactone, just in case it takes you a little time to get an appointment. Have you noticed any side effects of taking them?’
‘No, nothing that I am aware of
‘You must promise not to tell anyone where you got them from or I could get into serious trouble and perhaps lose my job. Also you should stop taking them as soon as you receive the appointment with the endocrinologist so that they will no longer be in your system when he tests you.’
‘Thanks Alison, you have been a good friend to me,’ said Denise giving her a hug. ‘Now tell me all the details about Sue’s new boyfriend. Where did she meet him? What does he look like?’
Sue was clearly having a good time on her date, as by the time Denise left at 11.00pm and made her way home, there was still no sign of her.
(Next time Julia wants to come up to London.)
Book 4 Chapter 6
‘Hi Julia’.
‘Hi Denise, can you talk, or is this an awkward time.’
Why should 11.30 pm on a Sunday evening be an awkward time?’
‘I felt sure you would still be up but you might have been engaged in a steamy clinch in the back of a car somewhere on the south coast, for all I knew.’
Denise felt her cheeks go red at the suggestion from her sister.
‘Actually he brought me home at tea-time as I had some things to do this evening,’ she answered primly.
‘So how did you get on with Prince Charming?. Did he take you to the ball?’ asked Julia.
‘We had a great time except that I had to leave before midnight in case I turned into a pumpkin.’
‘Did he like your new outfit?’
‘He seemed to like the dress, but I found the glass slippers to be a bit of a problem. In fact I ended up leaving one behind so now he is going round accosting all and sundry to see if it fits them.’
Julia laughed.
‘So he has not yet made an honest princess of you.’
‘No, worse luck, I will still have to clean the cinders.’
‘Well your ugly sister wants to come up to London for a few days the week after next, and so you can tell her all about it then.’
‘I thought you had to work out your notice with your present employer before starting your new job?’
‘Yes but I have a few days of annual leave owing to me and I will need to come up and look for somewhere to live from September onwards.’
‘Would you like to stay with me again whilst you have a look around?’ asked Denise.
‘That would be great if your flatmate does not mind,’ answered Julia.
‘I will ask Samantha, but I do not think she will mind. However you must also realise that I will not have a lot of time to spend with you, as I am likely to working late during the week.’
‘Oh yes, I forgot you will have to clean the cinders each evening! After you have finished them, will you also remove the pea from under your mattress, it kept me awake last time.’
‘I thought I was supposed to be the fairytale princess’ said Denise.
‘Well if you are a princess and I am your sister then it stands to reason that I must be one as well.’
‘Yes, that is true, but seriously, I will be busy at work.’
‘And no doubt you will also want to see Prince Charming during the week, as well.’
‘Yes, there is that as well.’
‘No problem, I will look after myself during my stay, just give me a copy of the local newspaper and an A to Z of London and I will be fine. I need to find somewhere to live within easy travelling distance to Waterloo.’
‘I am afraid where I live in Shepherd’s Bush will be no good to you as it would involve a bus followed by two different tube trains. You should look out for somewhere south of the river. If you like, I will ask John for some advice as he was thinking about moving to that area in a few weeks when he has to leave Jane’s house to make room for the new baby.
‘Thanks, I should like the opportunity to meet Prince Charming, whilst I am in London, just to check him out. I need to look out for my little sister. He may be a blackguard only after your virtue, or else he may turn into a frog the first time you kiss him.’
‘You’ve got your fairytale back to front, it is the witch who turns him into the frog, and in any event I have kissed him on a number of occasions and he displayed no reptilian tendencies.’
‘Who said anything about fairytales? All men eventually turn into either frogs or rats, it is a part of their life-cycle.’
‘There speaks an embittered woman.’
‘No just one with a little more experience of guys than you have. However, I am just as likely to fall in love and make a fool of myself as you are.’
‘Who said anything about falling in love? As far as I am concerned John is just good company and someone to take me out for the summer.’
‘We’ll have to see about that!’
‘So exactly when would you like to stay with me?’
‘Arriving evening of Tuesday 3rd and staying until the Friday, if that is ok.’
‘I don’t imagine there will be any problem but I’ll check with Samantha tomorrow and let you know what she says. In the meanwhile watch out for spinning wheels and don’t accept any apples from old ladies.’
Samantha had already gone to bed by the time Denise returned home, which was a relief as she did not want to answer too many questions about the weekend or her future plans until she had some more time to think about what Alison had told her.
Having spent most of the previous week at work dealing with issues relating to the new website, Denise was due to resume her modelling with Samantha on Monday and Sue had planned a full programme involving several changes of costume. After two months of wearing different outfits, putting on makeup, and styling her hair several times a day, there was no longer any novelty associated with dressing as a woman. Nevertheless she enjoyed the modelling, even though it was quite hard work. She came to appreciate well-fitting and well-made clothes, and how the design could make a difference to how the wearer looked and felt about herself. She also learned how show off clothes to their best advantage and, where necessary, disguise any flaws in their design. Above all, Denise enjoyed the close working relationship with all her colleagues.
Samantha had seemed a little subdued and pre-occupied during their journey into work. Denise realised it was because she had not been willing to share the details about her weekend with John, and was still determined not to do so. She needed to take control of her private life and establish some boundaries. However, in all other respects she liked Samantha and had no wish to fall out with her flatmate or to see her unhappy. She therefore decided to volunteer a limited amount of information.
‘By the way Sam, I am intending to talk to Helen about my future today. If she is agreeable, I will continue to work as Denise at least until the end of the year, as we discussed last week. If you still want me as your flatmate, I should like to continue until then. After that we will just have to play it by ear.’
Samantha visibly cheered up once she heard the news.
‘Of course I would prefer to continue living with you, even though you are not willing to share your secrets with me.’
Denise sighed.
‘I would be happier about sharing my secrets with you if it were not for the fact that they involve your cousin who is currently living with your sister — it is all a little incestuous somehow.’
‘Alright, I understand, and I won’t push you any further. I am just pleased that you will be continuing to share a flat with me once I return to University. Who you go out with, and what you do when you go out together is your own affair.’
‘Thank you,’ said Denise giving her friend a hug. ‘By the way, my sister wants to come down to London for a few days at the beginning of August to look for somewhere to live, would you mind if she shared my room again.’
‘No not at all, she is most welcome to come again whenever you choose.’
Although Denise had asked John not to ring her at work when she was modelling, she had no objection to receiving emails, the first of which was waiting for her on Monday morning.
Hi Denise!
Brighton was wonderful, thanks very much. How would you fancy Bath next weekend? (the place that is — I am not inviting you to share my ablutions!)
Lots of love,
John xx.
A weekend visit to Bath sounded great. She had just finished reading Persuasion, as part of Samantha’s campaign to broaden her education as a girl, and in any event she had always wanted to see the city. However, she decided not to respond immediately. She did not want to appear too eager. She decided to keep him waiting at least until the end of the day. Instead she found a quiet spot in the office and telephoned the clinic mentioned by Alison and made an appointment to have an initial consultation with a therapist specialising in Gender Identity Disorder, during her lunch break on the following Monday. This was convenient since it was the day before Julia was due to arrive. She would be in a better position then to know at what point she spoke to her family and friends about what was in her mind.
During the coffee break Denise also asked whether she might speak with Helen, who afterwards invited her into her office.
‘Come in Denise and sit down.’
‘Thanks’.
‘So what can I do for you?’
‘Helen, I was wondering how you would feel if I were to continue coming in to work dressed as Denise for a while after Samantha goes back to University?’
‘How long for?’
‘I don’t really know at present. I am thinking about staying in Samantha’s flat until the end of the year? Perhaps longer?
‘Have you discussed it with Samantha.’
‘Yes, but only in terms of me continuing to live in her flat , nothing more.
‘I see,’ responded Helen, but without giving a specific answer.
Denise continued her explanation.
‘I am making enquiries and have to make some important decisions about my long term future, but I would prefer not to discuss them in detail at present, if you don’t mind. I would also rather that you did not say anything to my colleagues until I know what is happening.’
Helen did not look shocked, or particularly surprised, but thought for a while before answering.
‘My initial reaction is that I would be very pleased, indeed I would be relieved, if you were willing to continue as Denise after September, as long as that is what you want to do.’
‘Yes, I am sure of it.’
‘There is no way we are going to finish work on the online catalogue by then, particularly if the recent increase in the volume of sales continues. I think it is more realistic to look at the end of October or even mid-November as a finish date, and by then we will be getting the new season’s designs’.
‘Yes I’d realised that too.’
‘However, if Denise is going to become a permanent member of my staff, then I will need to regularise the situation,’ continued Helen. ‘You are still on the books as Denis Simons and I am paying your National Insurance and Income Tax under that name.’
‘Officially there is no such person as Denise Simons at present, but I have begun to make enquiries about effecting a more permanent change to my identity.’
‘Alright, and don’t worry I will not mention what you have just said to anyone until you are ready to do so, but we do need to mention that you will be staying on as Denise to Sue and the others so that they can plan the work schedule. If you prefer, I will tell them that I have asked you to stay on as you are.’
‘Thank you, I will tell everyone the truth about my plans as soon as I know what is going to happen and the likely timetable.’
'Good, I hope everything works out alright does not take too long', said Helen.
‘Thank you. I will probably need to save a fair amount of money first. In fact I will be looking out for a part-time job in the evenings as well.’
‘Won’t that limit the time available to go out with your new boyfriend?’
‘Maybe so, but my priority at the moment is to sort out my life. Boyfriends can come later.’
‘Denise, you will have been with us for a year at the end of September; if the increase in our sales since the launch of the online catalogue continues until then, I will be prepared to review your pay, and also consider an additional bonus to the one already promised to you. I really appreciate the work you have already done and will need someone with good computer skills to maintain the website and the new ordering system.’
‘Thank you,’ said Denise. ‘I was wondering when I should raise the issue of my salary.
‘I will need a little more time to see how the business is going. In the meanwhile I would be prepared for you, Sue and Samantha to work overtime over the next few weeks, particularly as most of your colleagues will be taking their annual leave during August. I think you would earn more that way than you would by working in a bar or as a waitress.’
‘Alright then, I certainly would be interested in doing so. I want to work as much overtime as I can over the next few weeks.’
‘By the way, how are your various female appendages fairing?’ asked Helen.
‘I can now deal with my breast formes by myself, and my fingernail extensions are not discernible from my own nails. However, I think I will soon need to get my hair extensions checked as it is nearly five weeks since they were fitted,’ answered Denise.
‘Sarah is here next week before taking a fortnight’s leave. I suggest you ask her to have a look at them before she goes.’
‘Alright, can she do them in work time?’
‘Yes I suppose so, as it is necessary for your modelling. I do not normally let my staff get their hair done in work time. If you really want to live as a woman full-time there will be expenses that you will have to meet.’
‘Yes I know. It is just that I need to save as much as possible at present.’
‘So we will agree that Sarah may fix your hair in work time on this occasion, and Denise will continue to work for the remainder of the year.
Denise and Samantha were both keen to work on weekday evenings over the next few weeks, but both decided to leave their weekends free. Sue was less anxious to do so, having recently found a guy that she was quite taken with after six months of involuntary celibacy. However, this did not matter as the normal office hours could be spent by the girls in modelling clothes, and the remainder of the time was spent catching up with other matters. Denise, in particular, found herself dealing with technical issues that arose and found her self planning how the firm’s computer system could be extended. She was now doing work and taking decisions far above her relatively lowly status in the organisation and intended to point this out when she came to negotiate with Helen over her pay.
The announcement that she intended to stay on as Denise after the end of September did not cause any particular stir in the office. Sarah agreed to refit her hair extensions and to trim and style her hair, and throughout the whole time made no reference to her previous life. Denise realised that gradually over the last four weeks she had been entirely accepted by her colleagues and in the fortnight since she returned from her visit to Norwich there had been no reference by anyone to Denis or to her former gender. It was as if he was a part of a separate lifetime and she was quite happy that it should be so.
As Denise and Samantha were about to go out for some lunch on the Thursday afternoon, Jane approached them.
‘Now that my morning sickness has begun to subside, Simon and I would like to organise that dinner party that I mentioned back in June — to thank my bridesmaids and the best man. John will also be there as well as he is staying with us. I have already spoken to the others, so would you both be free a week on Saturday?’
Denise wondered whether this was another attempt by the two sisters to interfere with her love life, but she could vaguely remember Jane mentioning such a party before and did not think she could easily refuse. She therefore agreed to go. Samantha said nothing and so that was taken as her acceptance.
Somewhat to her surprise, she later discovered that Samantha was not looking forward to the engagement either.
‘What’s the problem Samantha? I thought you got on well with your sister and brother-in-law, and you are forever trying to pair me up with your cousin.’
‘Yes, that is just the point. You and Jane will be happily paired up, and I will have to sit next to Simon’s creepy friend Peter,’ she replied.
‘He wasn’t that bad. Perhaps he was a little full of himself, but he was very good looking,’ commented Denise.
‘You are welcome to him, he gives me the creeps,’ answered Samantha with some passion, that surprised her friend.
‘No thanks, I can’t see him responding too well to the discovery of my background, and in any event your cousin will serve as a boyfriend for the time being. But you will go nevertheless?’ asked Denise.
‘I suppose I will have to go, for Jane and Simon’s sake, but I am not looking forward to it.
(Next time Bath time.)
Book 4 Chapter 7
Bath time, and a preliminary interview
‘What would you like to do this evening my dear,’ asked John.
‘You can choose the restaurant this week. Rather than going clubbing, I noticed an open-air jazz concert in the park if you like the sound of it,’ she replied.
‘Alright then, jazz in the park, followed by an Italian restaurant. But do we need to get dressed up in that case?”
‘Oh yes, that is part of the fun of going away and staying in a nice hotel, with a lovely big bed to look forward to afterwards’.
Over the next hour Denise showered and changed into a light blue summer dress and carefully fixed her hair and makeup and put on some perfume and the jewellery given to her by her mother. John, who had made the various arrangements for the evening, was still in the shower when she finished so she looked at herself critically in the full-length mirror. Working as a model had given her the experience to know when she looked good and had also given her confidence in herself as a woman and her ability to attract men or impress other women. There was not a shadow of doubt in her mind that this was how she wanted to spend the rest of her life. The sooner she could take formal and irrevocable steps to do so, the better.
‘So what would you like do tomorrow Denise?’ asked John over dinner.
‘You have been very forbearing with me this afternoon with my going on about Jane Austen. Isn’t there something “blokey” that you would like to do or see in Bath: something like a museum of football boots, or motorcycle carburettors?’ she asked playfully in return.
He laughed at the idea.
‘I was always tripping over the laces of my football boots when we were forced to play at school, and I wouldn’t recognise a carburettor if one jumped out from behind a bush and bit me. No, there is nothing I particularly want to see or do in Bath, other than to be in your company,’ he replied looking into her eyes.
She averted her gaze, but smiled and touched his hand gently in a mark of affection.
‘In that case, we could go to visit the Museum of Costume in Bennett Street. It is odd but ever since I started to work as a model I have begun to take much more of an interest in clothes and begun to notice what other people wear.’
‘It is not really surprising; your job has shown you how clothes may be used to make you look even lovelier. It is inevitable that you will want to learn more about their history,’ he replied.
‘Women have so many more opportunities to express their personalities and moods through their clothes than men. It surprises me how many women fail to make the best of themselves, or don’t seem to understand that certain colours do not suit their colouring. Others tend to go ‘over the top’ when following some fashion and end up looking ridiculous.’
‘I wouldn’t really know; I am just an ordinary bloke. In an ideal world I would just wear jeans and a sweatshirt every day.’
‘But I fancy you more when you wear a suit and tie,’ she replied.
He blushed and changed the subject.
‘Since you have become a fan of Jane Austen we could perhaps visit her home at Chawton and her grave nearby in Winchester Cathedral at some future time,’ he continued.
‘Thank you, I should like that, but it cannot be next weekend as we both have to go to Jane’s dinner party.’
‘Oh yes, I do wish people would refrain from organising dinner parties, particularly at weekends, they can be quite gruesome,’ he commented.
‘Yes, but on this occasion I’ll be there to make it worth your while,’ she replied.
‘That will make all the difference’, he said squeezing her hand.
Denise thought to herself how much better her life was these days.
‘Why don’t we have an early night in that lovely king-sized bed in our room, followed by a late breakfast?’ she suggested, with a gleam in her eye.
He blushed, but did not argue with her suggestion.
The remainder of the weekend visit to Bath went well. There was no shyness or awkwardness between them as there had originally been at Brighton. They were just a young couple having a break from work, enjoying the sites and one another’s company during the day time and one another’s bodies at night. Denise was not falling in love with John, and she did her best to remind him in as tactful and respectful way she could, but there was no doubt that she enjoyed his company, and enjoyed having such an amenable boyfriend to take her out. On a couple of occasions she found herself thinking about her meeting with the psychiatrist scheduled for the next day, and what she might say to him. However she was now quite sure in her own mind about the outcome she wanted, and so was able to put it out of her mind and enjoy the weekend.
They remained in Bath for most of Sunday, visiting the museum in the morning, followed by the Abbey and a late lunch. During the afternoon they walked through Sydney Gardens and Beckford Gardens, with John pointing out the magnificent engineering of Brunel’s railway line, and showing that he was just as well informed about some historical features of Bath as his young partner. After an hour or two they had to sit down as Denise was feeling a little faint in the hot sun, but she soon recovered, and they decided to return to London via the old Great West Road rather than the Motorway. On the way home they stopped to have dinner at a restaurant outside Newbury. Thus it was nearly 10.30pm, before he drove her back to her flat at about. Denise noticed the light was on and so did not want to invite him in. Instead they sat talking for a while in his car.
‘Thank you John, it has been a lovely weekend, I have had a great time once again.
‘Me too,’ he replied.
‘I guess I will see you next Saturday at Jane’s dinner.’
‘Are you sure I can’t see you sometime during the week?’
‘I will really need to catch up with work most evenings next week, but my sister is due to arrive at Liverpool Street on Tuesday evening, and she is keen to meet you. I was hoping you might be able to advise her about finding somewhere to live in South London. If you like, you can come with me and then give us a lift to the flat afterwards.’
‘Alright then, I should be happy to meet your sister and give you both a lift - as long as I can take you both out for a drink afterwards, as well.’
At one o’clock the next day Denise was waiting in a well-appointed clinic, just a few streets away from where she worked in Great Portland Street. It had been a little awkward for her to negotiate an extended lunch break without being willing to explain to Sue and Samantha where she was going. She also had to avoid their questions as to why she had chosen to dress in one of Angela’s smart business suits, and silk blouse, rather than her normal recent choice of a sundress. She had merely announced that she had some business to attend to, would be back at 2.30pm and would make up for any lost time later.
The clinic was in a large late Georgian terraced house with a high ceiling. The waiting room had a large mirror at one end, and so Denise looked at herself and was quite pleased with her choice of outfit. She was beginning to understand the messages that could be conveyed by one’s clothing. She wanted to look serious, but nevertheless attractive, whilst conveying to any onlooker no doubt about her chosen gender. The dark reddish-brown of her skirt and jacket matched her lipstick and nail varnish and was also picked up in a garnet ruby pendant and earrings. Her shiny black high-heeled shoes and shoulder bag likewise matched one another. She looked a poised young business-woman, even though deep down she felt like a nervous little girl. After a few more minutes of waiting a man in his early forties, wearing an expensive suit, emerged from the consulting room and introduced himself.
‘I am Doctor Collett.’
‘Den …,’ she hesitated for half a second before continuing, ‘Denise Simons.’
They shook hands and he invited her into his consulting room where he offered her a seat.
‘So what may I do for you young lady?
She took a deep breath before proceeding.
‘As you may have suspected, I am not really a young lady. At least, I feel as if I should be one, but my birth certificate and genitalia would indicate otherwise.’
She blushed deeply as she said this and wanted to look away, but forced herself to remain looking at him.
‘I see,’ he replied without displaying any surprise at her answer. ‘So what is it that makes you feel you should be, or rather, should have been, a woman?’
She had rehearsed her answer to this question many times over the last week.
‘I have always thought that I did not fit in as a young man and have had a vague notion that something was not right about my life, for as long as I can remember. But it was not until I started to live and work as a young woman several months ago that I realised exactly who I wanted to be and how I wanted to live my life.’
‘How long have you been living as a woman?’
‘For about six months,’ she exaggerated. ‘At first it was intermittently so, but once I discovered how much happier and more fulfilled I was it became permanent. I have been living and working as a woman full-time, for the last three months and I intend to continue to do so hereafter.’
‘So why have you come to see me at this time? Why did you not contact me before now?’
‘At first I felt I needed to sort things out with my family and my employers and also to ensure that I could live happily and function successfully as a woman. Now that I am certain that I can do all those things, I should like to begin the process of changing my sex.’
‘You will never be able to change your sex, but, if I think it appropriate, I might be able to assist you to live and be recognised by society as being of the female gender.
‘Yes, I realise that.’
‘So your family know about your life style and are supportive of your decision.’
‘They are supportive of my decision to live and work as Denise. They do not yet know about my decision to seek gender re-assignment surgery, but I cannot see it coming as a great surprise to them.’
‘And your employers, how do they feel about your decision?’
‘My employer and my work colleagues are also very supportive. I work in an all female environment and feel that I both fit in better and perform better as Denise than I did previously.’
He carried on asking similar questions to those asked by Alison for about thirty minutes and seemed to be satisfied with the replies. He also asked for her original name and date of birth and some information about her family background and medical history. At last he came to a decision.
‘Very well, Denise, I would be willing to work with you to assist you to resolve your gender identity issues, if you feel you would also like to work with me.’
‘How long will the process take?’
‘I cannot say exactly. I have to be sure that you know exactly what you are doing and have thought through all the implications of what you propose to do before I decide whether to recommend you for further treatment. That will inevitably take several weeks and I am not prepared to work to a fixed timetable.’
‘It is just that I am frightened that my voice will begin to break and I will start to grow to look like a man if I leave things for much longer.’
‘Those are the normal features of puberty but they should have happened to you before now. We will need to investigate whether there is any chromosome abnormality that is causing the absence of puberty and your rather feminine appearance.’
‘Very well, but how much will it all cost?’
‘My standard fee is £95.00 for a fifty minute consultation.’
‘Doctor Collett, I only earn twice that much in a week, and half of my wages are spent on food and rent,’ she said handing him her recent payslip as savings.
‘What about savings?’
‘I have two thousand pounds in the bank, but I was hoping to use it to fund my hormone treatment.’
‘One thing at a time,’ he said. ‘You do seem to be wearing expensive clothes.’
‘All of my clothes are second hand and were given to me by someone leaving the country. The cosmetics and hairstyle are provided by my work. I can afford to spend very little money on myself’.
He thought for a while before answering.
‘You must understand that the course of action you are embarking upon may be prolonged and will inevitably be expensive. However, from your appearance it appears that you will not have to go through expensive plastic surgery or hair removal procedures. I note that you are working nearby. If you are willing to be flexible regarding your appointments, letting us either defer you or else call you in at short-notice so that I can fill vacancies, I would be willing to reduce my fee by half. However, if you are to undergo surgery you will have to investigate possible sources of funding or else be prepared to go on the waiting list as a National Health Service patient.’
‘Thank you,’ she replied. ‘I would appreciate your help. When can we begin?’
‘I have an appointment free on Thursday morning at ten o’clock, if that suits you.’
‘The sooner the better’, she replied.
Denise hurried to arrive back at her work by 2.30pm as she had promised, feeling both elated and also apprehensive. She had at last taken the first tentative steps on her journey towards womanhood and it was now just a question of jumping through the relevant hoops and filling the relevant forms. No doubt it would take her both time and a lot of money before the task could be completed, and eventually involve some pain and discomfort, but she was now confident that it could be done. She was no longer an androgynous young man, living and working as a woman — she was now a pre-operative transsexual undergoing assessment for corrective surgery. There was now no longer any point in concealing her new status or intentions from her colleagues and family, if fact she felt like announcing it to the whole world.
She ran up the stairs to the store room where she normally changed, to find both Sue and Samantha waiting for her to begin the afternoon’s work.
‘Sorry, if I am late’, she said catching her breath. ‘It won’t take me long to get myself changed, and then I have something really important that I want to say to you.’
With those words she fell down into a faint.
(Next time Julia’s 2nd visit to London.)
Book 4 Chapter 8
Julia’s second visit to London
‘I am glad you decided to delay your departure until Saturday morning Julia, so I can see you off and we at least have the opportunity for a chat,’ said Denise.
‘Yes we haven’t had much chance to talk alone this week, what with one thing and another, replied Julia. ‘It has taken me somewhat longer than I thought to find somewhere reasonable to live and make the necessary arrangements,’.
‘So are you now fixed up ready for September and raring to go?’
‘Yes, last night I left a deposit on a reasonably-sized bedsit with access to a shared kitchen, and a view of the common at Kennington. It is only one stop away from my work by underground, or a ten minute bus ride. It is even within walking distance if I am feeling energetic.’
‘It sounds ideal for you, I am looking forward to seeing it.’
‘I plan to move in over the August Bank Holiday weekend as I will be starting work on 1st September. I shall invite you and John round for dinner just as soon as I am settled in.’
‘Maybe we can help you move in?’
‘That is kind of you to offer, but I feel a little guilty about the help that John has already given me. Not only did he provide useful advice about different areas of London, but he must have driven me round to see at least eight different properties over the last three evenings.’
‘I don’t think he minded, as I have been rather busy this week at work, working overtime and making up for the time when I went to see the therapist.’
‘No, I don’t think he minded helping me, but be careful Denise, John is a nice bloke, reasonably good looking and has a good job. Such men are not that thick on the ground; he could be a good catch for someone else if you are not careful.’
‘Are you planning on doing any fishing yourself?’ asked Denise smiling.
‘I could quite fancy him and get the impression that, with a little effort, I could make something of him, but don’t worry, I wouldn’t do that to my own sister.’
‘Even if she wanted you to?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well he is a nice bloke and we have had fun together, but I get the impression he is more serious about me than I am about him. In many ways he would suit you much better than me. He is closer to your age, and you are more mature than I am. In any event, over the next few weeks my life is going to be complicated enough with the gender re-assignment and so I do not want to get myself emotionally involved with a boyfriend.’
‘You can’t just pass your boyfriends on to your sister when you have finished with them, as you might do to some item of unwanted clothing!’ said Julia incredulously.
‘It is better to pass him on to you, if you have a use for him, than to send him to the charity shop,’ said Denise laughing. ‘You do not currently have a boyfriend and so he could be quite useful to show you around when you come up to London in a few weeks time.
‘Won’t he want some say in the matter?’
‘Maybe, but like most men he needs to be shown what is best for him. He will probably need a little bit of gentle handling, but in no time we will have him eating out of your hand.’
Julia shook her head. ‘You do him an injustice; there is more to him than meets the eye.’
‘You are probably right, but, as you said, you could make something of him. However, don’t worry if you would find it embarrassing going out with your baby sister’s ex-boyfriend. I’ll look for someone else to take him off my hands. But at least accept the offer of help when you move in to your bedsit.’
‘Alright, but that is all. I can find my own boyfriends thank you. In any event, where did all this womanly wisdom about handling guys suddenly come from?’ she asked laughing.
Denise shrugged. ‘Maybe it was there all the time but was buried under all the crap of my having to pretend to be a boy just because Mother Nature got her wires crossed’.
‘You should have mentioned it when we were young as I always wanted a kid sister. You have always looked a little androgynous and so I could have dressed you up as my little sister and then we could have had fun together.’
‘At the time I did not know myself what was wrong with me. I only knew that I something was not right in my life. But from now onwards I intend to make the most of my new life as a woman.’
‘So when are coming to tell mum about your plans for gender re-assignment?’
‘The two therapy sessions I have had so far have been purely exploratory and I suspect there will be a few more sessions before he refers me to an endocrinologist. However, I already have another appointment next week. I will come and tell mum as soon as I know a little more about likely costs involved and a timetable for my transition. I hope it will be before you leave Norwich. How do you think she will react when she hears the news?’
‘I can’t see it coming as much of a shock to her, just as it was no surprise to me. I think after your last visit to Norwich we were both convinced that we would not be seeing much of Denis in the future. I believe that she has been doing a lot of background reading on the subject of transsexualism and transgenderism ever since you left and has asked me whether I thought it was a temporary phase you were passing through.’
‘How did you answer her?’
‘I told her what you have just said to me — that you were now fulfilling an innate need and were unlikely ever to go back.’
‘Thank you,’ said Denise, blushing. ‘It must be difficult for her to understand’.
‘Maybe, but she is not as narrow-minded as you might think’.
‘I never thought she was narrow minded, but it must be difficult for anyone to accept that someone you have always thought of as a son, now wants to become your daughter’
‘Yes, I suppose so, but I think most reasonable people now accept that some people have problems with their gender identity, which are not their fault.’
‘I hope so. In fact everybody I have told has so far accepted the news with understanding.’
‘So they know about your plans at work.’
‘Yes I told my boss some time ago, and then announced it to my colleagues at the beginning of last week. As with you, it was no great surprise to anyone. As soon as I have a formal diagnosis from the therapist I shall be changing my name and my National Insurance status and then opening a new bank account. Over the next few weeks all record of the late Denis Symons will gradually disappear.’
‘Does John know about your plans yet.’
‘Not yet. I asked Jane to refrain from mentioning it at home until I have a chance to tell him later today.’
‘Don’t leave it any longer, otherwise someone is bound to let out your secret.’
‘Yes, I know. Jane will also be telling her husband the shocking news that one of their bridesmaids was really a guy.’
‘And the other one is a lesbian, but perhaps he already knows that,’ thought Julia, but did not say as much. Instead she asked her sister, ‘will she tell him before or after your dinner party tonight?’
‘Before, I assume. I am not going to pretend any more. I will not raise the issue myself, but if the topic of my male origins, or my gender re-assignment therapy, should come up in the conversation, I intend to answer openly and truthfully.’
‘I can see that the dinner tonight is going to be an interesting experience for both you and John.’
‘If it gets too bad I will feign a headache or one of my fainting fits and ask John to take me home.’
‘Denise, I am a little worried about these fainting fits you keep having. I understand from John that you either have fainted or else felt faint on three occasions recently and Samantha told me that you have also fainted at work.’
‘Oh it is nothing, just an occasional attack of ‘the vapours’, a little bit of what used to be called ‘female hysteria’ in the nineteenth century. They soon pass,’ answered Denise dismissively.
‘There is no such thing as ‘female hysteria’, if young women fainted in the nineteenth century it was because their corsets were constricting their blood-flow,’ said Julia. ‘You should not talk about women in such a disparaging way, especially as you want to become one. If you are fainting regularly it is for a reason, and you should go and see a doctor to find out why.’
‘I think it may be a side-effect of some testosterone blockers that I have been taking over the last couple of weeks, to stop me from turning into a man.’
‘In that case you should tell the doctor who prescribed them to you.’
‘There is no doctor involved, I read about the drugs on the internet and acquired some’, answered Denise, looking a little shamefaced.
‘You must be mad! Don’t you realise that you could do yourself some serious harm?’
Denise blushed.
‘I did read up about the potential risks and the side-effects, and don’t think they will do me any harm. I just felt that it was more important for me to avoid turning into a man.’
‘If you were ever going to turn into a strapping ‘he-man’ it would have happened to you by the time you were sixteen. Now with your clothes and makeup, nobody could conceivably think of you as a guy.’
‘Maybe, but just looking like a woman is no longer enough for me.’
‘And what will happen when your therapist finds out you have been self-medicating? He will consider you to be an irresponsible and unreliable patient and won’t want to continue treating you, particularly as he is only charging you half his normal rate.’
‘I was intending to stop taking them as soon as he gave me an appointment with an endocrinologist.’
‘Denise, you should stop taking them straight away. Leave the medication to the doctors. You are already living and working as a woman so you ought to be able to show a little patience in waiting for the physical changes to take effect.’
‘Very well. I suppose your are right, but over the last couple of weeks I have really begun to discover my true self and am becoming increasingly frustrated with living in a man’s body and having to pretend to be a woman.’
‘There is nothing about your body or your character that is manly. But you must be patient and not try to rush things. You should concentrate on enjoying the life of an ordinary nineteen-year old girl and saving up for your surgery.’
Once she had said goodbye to her sister Denise made her way to Aldwych, where she had arranged to meet John for lunch at a café near Somerset House. He was waiting for her once she arrived.
‘Hi John,’ she said responding to his kiss on the cheek. ‘Thank you for being so kind to my sister over the last week.’
‘It was my pleasure, I had nothing else to do and she was good fun to be with. In fact it gave me a useful insight into the problems of looking for somewhere to live. I will have to do so my self in a few weeks, now that the arrival of Jane’s baby is approaching.’
‘But thank you all the same. Now let us order some lunch and then there is something important that I need to discuss with you.’
‘Is it that you do not want to go out with me any more?’ he asked alarmed.
‘No but you may not wish to continue going out with me afterwards,’ she replied.
‘Alright so what is it that you wish to tell me young lady?’ asked John once their food had been delivered to the table and the waitress was out of earshot.
‘There are two things. First of all, I am embarking upon a programme of gender re-assignment, and have seen a doctor. I am planning to make Denise both permanent and official.’
‘You are planning to undergo a sex-change operation?’
‘You could say that, although it is not technically accurate. I am intending to spend the rest of my life living in the female gender, and will soon start to take female hormones. In time I plan to undergo corrective surgery to give me female genitals, and, if necessary, undergo some plastic surgery to enhance my breasts. Eventually I will apply to be formally recognised as a woman.’
‘Are you sure it is the right thing to do?’
‘Absolutely certain’, she responded.
‘How long will it take?’
‘I think we are probably talking about a couple of years’ she answered.
‘When do reach the point of no return?’
‘Physically, it will be as soon as I can get my hands on some female hormones, but mentally, I think I have already passed that point some time ago. I would rather kill myself than go back to pretending to live as a guy.’
‘In that case, good luck to you,’ he said without betraying any surprise or other emotion. ‘I have never thought of you as anything other than a girl, but clearly it will be important for your own self-image.’
‘Thanks. I just want to be able to look at myself naked in a mirror and like what I see.’
‘So what was the second thing you wanted to tell me Denise?’
‘From now onwards, I am going to stop pretending about who I am, who I used to be, and who I am hoping to become. Jane’s husband now knows about my origins, and also probably his friend, so the topic may well crop up at dinner this evening.’
‘I see.’
‘Will you feel awkward once it becomes known that you have been dating a pre-op transsexual?’
He thought for a little before answering.
‘I don’t know. Jane and Samantha have known all the time, and that has never concerned me; but I am not sure how I will react once it becomes common knowledge among my family and workmates. We will just have to play it by ear.’
‘I am afraid that was the wrong answer John,’ thought Denise to herself. ‘I do not want to be a source of embarrassment to anyone. If you can’t be proud of me in front of your family, then it will be better that we part. The day I start taking oestrogen will be the day that we cease to be lovers.’
‘OK we will just have to play it by ear, starting from tonight.’
(Next time Jane’s dinner party.)
Apologies for the delay in posting this chapter. I hope to begin the first chapter of the fifth (and final) book next week - Louise
Book 5 Chapter 1
A dinner party
As soon as they finished lunch on Saturday John drove Denise to Shepherd’s Bush to collect Samantha, and then he drove them both to Jane’s flat. She was carrying her dress for the evening in a cellophane cover, together with a small weekend bag for her shoes and makeup.
‘Aren’t you coming in?’ asked Samantha as John dropped them off.
‘No, Simon, Peter and I have been instructed to keep out of the way until at least seven o’clock, so I’ll see you ladies in about four hours’ time,’ he said before driving off.
Denise enjoyed her afternoon helping her two friends prepare the food and laying the table with Jane’s best cutlery - newly acquired as a wedding present. It brought back to her the happy memories of the preparations for Jane’s wedding. Although at times they could be bossy and scheming, Denise took great pleasure in the affectionate friendship that had grown up between her and these two sisters, and in their ability to work together as a team. However, she was happiest when the time came to get themselves ready. She no longer considered herself to be the novice when it came to fixing her hair or putting on makeup and was pleased when her help and advice was sought by one of her friends.
Jane had chosen a long black silk evening dress trimmed in silver for her to wear, which was hanging on the bedroom door. Denise had been advised to wear her padded control pants, and these days she usually wore one of her gaffs to hold back her penis, as a matter of course. She had also previously agreed with Samantha that they would both wear the pearl drop earrings and a matching pendants given to them by Simon at Jane’s wedding. Fortunately they would go well with Jane’s dress.
‘Denise, I hope you don’t mind, but I asked Samantha to raid your wardrobe this morning after you left and to bring along the basque that I bought for you as well,’ said Jane. ‘That black dress does tend to hug the figure, so it will give you a more pronounced waist.’
‘I’ve also brought you some stockings as well, to go with the suspenders,’ added Samantha.
Denise sighed in mock exasperation, but then smiled and took the offered garments. She then proceeded to take off the dress, slip and tights that she had been wearing and was helped into the basque by her friends who proceeded to tighten the laces until she had a pronounced waist. Once she had got used to the tightness of the garment, she sat down on the bed and carefully put on the nylons, pleased that she had decided to de-fuzz her arms and legs the night before. She then took her turn at Jane’s dressing table to make up her face, fix her hair and check on her nail varnish.
The black dress fitted her well and showed just enough cleavage, but without any danger of betraying the presence of her artificial breasts. She replaced her existing jewellery with those she had brought and the matching shoes and clutch-bag were produced to complete her outfit. A final squirt of perfume and she was ready to face the world. The three girls stood for a few minutes admiring one another’s outfits and checking up on details. Her two friends were certainly beautiful, but Denise knew in her heart that she was, as well. That thought gave her a great feeling of satisfaction and well-being.
John arrived at the appointed time bringing with him a bunch of flowers as a centre piece for the table, and a couple of bottles of wine.
‘Wow, just look at you three beauties! I am quite --- enraptured,’ he said, self-mockingly as he made a deep bow and presented the flowers to Jane.
‘Thank you sir, said Jane, doing a mock curtsey, as befitted her long dress. ‘However, you had better go and get changed as the others will be here any minute and they are getting dressed at Peter’s flat.’
‘Would you be able to help me with my bow tie Denise?’ he asked.
‘I suppose so,’ she answered, blushing slightly, and followed him in to the spare bedroom, in which he had been staying.
As soon as he was out of earshot from the others he turned to her.
‘And this is for the most beautiful lady here tonight,’ he said, handing her a pink camellia.
‘I thank you sir for the flower, but such comparisons between ladies are odious and un-gentlemanly,’ she replied primly, doing a quick curtsey, in imitation of Jane.
She had to admit to herself that she was quite pleased he had said it, nevertheless.
‘I am afraid I will not be able to pin the flower on to Jane’s dress without marking it, but I will keep it on my dressing table and think of you whenever I see it,’ she continued and kissed him on the cheek.
‘I am sorry if I disappointed you with my reply to your question at lunchtime, but I was just trying to be honest with you.’
She took one of his hands in her own.
‘I appreciate that. It is going to be a difficult time for both of us over the next few weeks, and, as I have said several times before, you should not get your hopes up that we will come through it together. I would not think less of you if you wanted to back out here and now.’
‘I think we’ll just play it by ear’, he answered kissing her once again, but this time on the lips..
Denise repaired her lipstick and re-touched her makeup whilst John quickly got changed into his dinner jacket.
‘I thought you wanted me to tie your bow tie for you’, she asked as he attached a clip-on one.
‘It was a dastardly ruse to get you on your own,’ he said smiling. Then, putting his arm round her shoulder, he led her out of the bedroom.
Simon and his friend had arrived whilst John was getting changed, and they were having a preliminary glass of wine with Jane and Samantha. It was clear to Denise from the moment she stepped out of the bedroom, and without any word having been spoken, that they both now knew all about her. She also knew in her heart that neither of them had previously harboured any suspicions, and that she and John had no doubt been the object of recent ribald discussion between them. Simon, who despite his high-powered profession, had always been a little in awe of his wife and her two young bridesmaids, looked at Denise in sheer amazement. Peter, on the other hand, had a barely concealed look of fascinated disgust — as if he were looking down a microscope at a fly’s eyeball. John, after his initial bravado now seemed a little embarrassed by the situation but Denise found herself able to put on a gracious smile to everyone.
There was just one awkward moment with nobody knowing what to say.
‘Well aren’t you going to offer our guests a drink?’ Jane said to her husband.
‘Yes of course,’ he answered, blushing, ‘what would you both like’.
Ten minutes later the party took their seats around the circular dining table and began to eat the starter of smoked salmon on little squares of toast, which was already waiting for them. Simon began to pour some more wine and Denise was invited to sit between John on her left and Simon on her right. They in turn had Samantha and Jane sitting next to them. Peter sat directly opposite to her, which suited Denise as it made any social chit-chat between them impractical, but it did mean that they were directly within one another’s line of sight. She was conscious of his continuing unspoken disapproval of herself and also amused to see the designs he had of impressing her flatmate. Samantha’s body language, on the other hand, showed that she was less pleased with the seating arrangements, visibly shrinking if he touched her. She therefore directed most of her attention and conversation to her cousin, or to Denise, and only responded to Peter when politeness called for it. As a result Jane and Simon made most conversation with their best man, somewhat to his irritation.
Samantha offered to clear the table after the starter, whilst Simon served up main course, consisting of three pheasants cooked in Bordeaux red wine, with vegetables and croquet potatoes. He then sought to refill the glasses, but Denise discreetly held her hand over hers to stop him from adding any more, aware that it would be difficult for her to go to the toilet dressed as she was.
The main course proved to be a great success: there were no vegetarians, vegans, fruitarians or those suffering from exotic food allergies in the party to complicate matters, only the occasional discovery of pieces of lead shot in the game. It was followed by a traditional syllabub, which was truly delicious but Denise and Samantha only touched a small part, both being conscious of their waistlines. The conversation gradually began to mellow, oiled by plenty of good quality wine, and gradually moved on to other things than their respective jobs, and Jane’s expected baby.
Inevitably, the unspoken topic - the elephant in the room - had to come up in conversation at some point. It happened in a quite inoffensive way, with Samantha asking her flatmate about their work schedule for the next week.
‘I am hoping that Sue will have enough work for you alone on Wednesday morning as I have another appointment with my therapist first thing, and then there are a number of minor changes I would like to make to the ordering system.’
‘How are you getting on with your therapist?’ asked Jane, before her sister had a chance to respond.
‘It is early days yet, he still hasn’t even given me a date for me to get my female hormones.’
‘If it were up to me, I would prescribe you with a cold shower followed by some useful hard work,’ said Peter, from across the table.
There was an audible intake of breath from around the table. Denise looked up, and smiled sweetly at him.
‘In that case, it is just as well that I am consulting a qualified therapist rather than an ignorant bigot,’ she replied in a calm voice.
‘Pete, that was uncalled-for, I think you should apologize to Denise,’ said Simon, trying to calm the situation before it got out of hand.
‘No I will not! I object to the National Health Service being used to cater for the idle whims or sexual gratification of perverts,’ he responded angrily.
Then, turning directly to Denise, he continued.
‘So you want to be a woman — well tough luck - you never will be one — so get over it and do something useful with your life like a real man instead of mincing around in long dresses all day pretending to be something you’re not.’
Denise’s cheeks reddened, but she managed to keep control of herself. She returned his eye-contact across the table.
‘For a start I am intending to fund my transition and any therapy by myself, and secondly it is no business of yours what my doctor prescribes to treat a recognised medical or psychological condition, or what I choose to wear.’
‘Pete, you have had too much to drink. I think you should now leave,’ said Simon.
‘I’ve had enough of this freak show,’ he said getting up to leave. ‘How do you think I have felt having to look at --- that --- all evening?’ he said indicating Denise with distaste.
Denise flushed with anger and went to stand up, but, as she did so, she suddenly felt light-headed and fell down in a faint into John’s lap, bringing a half-eaten bowl of syllabub on top of her.
‘Look at that. He can’t even bear to listen to some home truths without fainting: it is truly pathetic,’ Peter said as he strode towards the door.
John helped Denise to sit up and Jane began to clean her down, whilst Simon held open the door to ensure that his friend left. However, before he could do so, Samantha came over to him with fire in her eyes.
‘So you are so proud of yourself for being a ‘real man’, when in fact you are nothing but a loathsome, disgusting, worm! I would slap your face if it were not for the fact that it would make my flesh creep just to touch you,’ she said with utter disdain. ‘Denise is a lovely person and a thousand times more admirable than you will ever be. Now get out of my sight!’
He was clearly taken aback by the depth of her anger, and left without further invitation.
It did not take long before Denise was seated again and the mess cleared up.
‘I am sorry to have been such a wimp, I was about to give him a piece of my mind, but the room suddenly started to spin,’ she said, still looking pale.
‘Don’t worry, you were doing pretty well to begin with and then Samantha left him in no doubt of what rest of us thought of him,’ said Jane. ‘I don’t think I have ever seen her look so angry — it was just like a lioness defending her cub.’
‘And now I have spoiled your beautiful dress as well,’ said Denise with tears beginning to roll down her cheeks.
‘No I promise you haven’t, the mark will easily clean off,’ added Jane putting her arm round her friend’s shoulder to comfort her.
John, who had been looking intensely embarrassed throughout the whole incident, offered to drive Denise and Samantha home.
‘No, we’ve all had far too much to drink; it would really round off the evening if you were to be arrested for driving under the influence, as well as everything else,’ said Denise. ‘I’ll call myself a cab.’
‘At least let me pay your taxi fare, as partial recompense for the drunken behaviour of my so-called friend,’ said Simon.
‘Thank you very much’, interposed Samantha, without reference to anyone else. ‘I’ll take her home and see that she is ok.’
‘Alright, but let me change out of this dress and take off the basque first, I have hardly been able to breathe all evening.’
John arranged for a taxi whilst Jane and Simon cleared up the meal and Samantha helped Denise to get changed. There was an awkward five minutes once she emerged wearing her own clothes and before the taxi arrived. Nobody knew quite what to say. At last Denise herself broke the silence.
‘Jane, I am so sorry to have spoiled your dinner party and your dress. I will arrange for it to be cleaned.’
‘You didn’t, you haven’t, and you won’t,’ she answered decisively. ‘None of this was your fault. I am only sorry that we inflicted the company of such an ignorant pig on to you. Believe me, I was really pleased and grateful to have you as my bridesmaid and now we are both proud to have you as a friend.’
Simon nodded in agreement.
Denise coloured a little but looked a little calmer.
‘Thank you. It is just that everything about my transition has been so easy until now. His reaction to me took me by surprise.’
‘I suppose you were bound to come across a Neanderthal at some time. If it ever happens again you will be better prepared’.
‘I hope so.’
‘At least you had everyone else on your side.’
‘Yes,’ she said absently.
The intercom buzzer sounded to denote the arrival of their taxi.
‘Thank you again for the lovely meal,’ said Denise recovering herself.
‘I am glad you came’, said Jane, giving her friend another hug.
John saw Denise and Samantha out to the waiting cab. Samantha got in first and started to explain to the driver where they wanted to go. Denise stood for a moment looking into his eyes trying to ascertain what he was thinking. He kissed her on the forehead and said, ‘I’ll see you tomorrow,’ then opened the door and helped her to get in.
As the cab drove away she could see him standing by the roadside looking pensive.
(Next time Samantha has a confession to make.)
Book 5 Chapter 2
A confession
‘Are you sure that you are feeling alright Denise?’ Samantha asked as they took off their coats.
‘Yes I am fine now thanks, it was just a passing feeling of light-headedness.’
Samantha put down her case, and went to the kitchen where she poured herself a glass of water, and offered one to Denise, who declined.
‘You really need to find out what is causing these fainting fits. It is no longer fashionable for young ladies to be swooning around everywhere you know.’
‘I think I already know what is causing them; they are the side-effect of some tablets that I have been taking, but I promised my sister this morning that I will stop taking any more until after I have consulted a doctor about the problem.’
‘What sort of tablets?’
Denise looked at little embarrassed.
‘Just some tablets that I bought to try and stop my body from making any more testosterone and turning me into a man. I suppose I will have to wait now until I can take them under medical supervision,’ she said wearily
‘Denise, you need to be careful and take things a bit more slowly.’
‘I know, but I could not bear the idea of going back to being a man.’
‘Look, I am not trying to be funny, but I am not sure that you ever were one in the first place.’
‘Oh Samantha, if only that were true,’ she replied longingly. ‘I feel like a woman, and maybe I look like one on the outside, but I know that underneath everything I still have a man’s body — albeit one that is not very well developed. I am very worried that something may happen one day to kick-start changes to make me more manly looking.’
‘Won’t the female hormones put a stop to any danger of that?’
‘Yes, they will eventually, but I don’t even know when my therapist plans to refer me for hormone treatment. He does not seem to share the same sense of urgency as I do.’
‘But you have only seen him a few times. I am sure that he recognises your worries but will want to be sure that you are mature enough to understand the implications of what you are doing, before you do anything irrevocable. I would advise you to be guided by him, and for heaven’s sake, please don’t start experimenting with self-medication.’
‘I know, perhaps I have been foolish, but I also wanted to see what it was like to feel like a real woman and to have a boyfriend.’
Samantha sighed.
‘I think that perhaps I was at fault there by making it so easy for you to go away with John for a weekend, as I did. I should have let you take one step at a time as a girl and not encouraged you to try and run before you have learned to walk properly.’
‘So do you now think my friendship with John is not such a good idea?’ asked Denise.
Samantha thought for a moment.
‘I don’t know whether or not it is a good idea. He is a really nice straightforward guy, but I do think he should have stood up for you better this evening.’
‘I suppose he was just as surprised by that outburst as everyone else.’
‘Perhaps, but if you had been my girlfriend, I would have punched that idiot in the face, even though he was bigger than me.’
Denise smiled and shook her head.
‘No, I wouldn’t have wanted to see any violence, particularly in your sister’s home, but perhaps he might have been a little more sympathetic and supportive of me afterwards,’ she said. ‘He just seemed so embarrassed by the whole affair.’
Samantha did not respond, so Denise continued after a moment.
‘By all accounts you did not do badly in standing up for me yourself, although at the time I was not fully aware of what was going on. Thank you, I do appreciate it,’ she said, taking her friend’s hands, and then, on impulse, kissing her on the cheek.
Samantha pulled away and looked ashamed of herself.
‘Denise, don’t do this to me, I can’t bear it,’ she said, beginning to tremble.
‘Oh! Sorry!’ said Denise puzzled.
Samantha did not answer immediately, but then began to cry.
‘Don’t you realise that I love you, and have always done so ever since we met?’ she said, with tears now streaming down her face.
‘I don’t understand what you mean! I would have done anything to continue to see you, but you refused to see me after Jane’s wedding.’
‘No silly, I only refused to meet with or have anything to do with Denis, because it was Denise that I fallen in love with. I always tried to make it clear that I really wanted to see you as Denise.’
‘But afterwards you went to great trouble to fix me up with a date with your cousin.’
‘I know, and it was a crazy idea that I now regret. At the time I thought that if you were going out with John then we would be able to continue to live together as girlfriends once the summer was over, and then I could admire you from afar. I did not realise that I would quickly become jealous of him.’
‘But you and your sister helped to turn me into a girl.’
‘I wasn’t involved at the beginning. But, if I did encourage you, it was only because that was what you appeared to want.’
Denise thought back to the time that they had first stayed together and how much she had enjoyed herself in the days leading up to the wedding.
‘Maybe so, but you cannot now expect me to revert being Denis again.’
Samantha now held her friend by the shoulders to steady her own trembling.
‘Of course I don’t want you to revert to being Denis. Don’t you understand that it is Denise that I love. My beautiful friend Denise, who is only just discovering her femininity.’
‘But I still don’t understand. Why should you feel for me like that when you are so lovely and feminine yourself? Just look at yourself in that mirror.’
Samantha was still wearing her long dress from the dinner and had her hair up. Her eye makeup was now a little smudged from her tears, but there was no doubt that she was a beauty.
‘I hate the way I look, because it sends misleading signals to other people,’ she responded. ‘I spent the whole of my first year at university avoiding the unwanted attentions of the guys in my class whilst, at the same time making myself unpopular with many of the girls who were envious of me. I was really lonely the whole time. That is until I met you.’
‘But I thought you had friends at university?’
‘They are not really friends; the girls only accepted my company as I seemed to attract plenty of guys to their table, but I have always felt myself to be an outsider.’
‘If you hate being a girl, why ever did you agree to work as a model for the summer?’
‘I needed a job but mainly because it was an opportunity to work with you. In any event, I don’t hate being a girl, it is just that I am just not sexually attracted to men.’
‘Oh!’ said Denise, not knowing what else to say.
‘Now I have told you, and you will hate me as well, just like all the other girls,’ she said with tears again running down her cheeks.
Denise hugged her and held her closely to herself.
‘Samantha, how could I hate you? These last two months that I have spent living and working with you have been the happiest time of my life. You will always be my friend, but you must understand that I am in a state of utter confusion over my sexuality. I rushed headlong into a sexual relationship with John without giving sufficient thought to the implications for us both. I think I now need a period of abstinence and reflection whilst I get my gender identity sorted out.’
‘As long as you don’t now go and start looking for somewhere else to live.’
‘No, I love living here with you and learning how to be a girl,’ she said and gave her friend another chaste kiss on the cheek. ‘Now I think I would like to go to bed, as it has been a long stressful day and there is a lot I need to think about. We’ll talk again in the morning.’
‘Alright then! Good night Denise’, said Samantha wiping her eyes.
Denise quickly got herself undressed and cleaned off her makeup. She put on a pair of pink satin pyjamas given her by Angela back in June, and lay on her bed with her eyes open. She was tired, but her mind was in turmoil. So much had happened since her friend had left for Singapore, and there were so many conflicting emotions. She had never before had so many friends that she cared about and who appeared to care about her, and yet life had suddenly become so complicated. It was not just her own emotions, but she also seemed to having an effect on those around her. It was several hours later before she eventually went to sleep.
Denise eventually came into the kitchen after midday on Sunday. Samantha was already there, sipping coffee. She did not look her best; she was still wearing a dressing gown, her hair was somewhat dishevelled and she had puffy eyes. Denise guessed that she probably looked not much better herself.
‘Hi Denise, did you have trouble sleeping?’
Denise nodded.
‘Me too!’
‘I’d guessed as much.’
Denise poured herself a cup of coffee and put on some toast.
‘I am sorry, I had no right to burden you with my problems last night, you have enough on your plate as it is,’ said Samantha.
Denise offered her a wry smile.
‘That’s what friends are for.’
‘Maybe, but last night I went too far and involved you in my emotional problems.’
‘Samantha, believe me, I value and want to retain your friendship. If that involves sharing your emotional problems then we will deal with it together.’
‘Thank you. I too would like to remain friends with you, if that is all we can be. However, the time has come for a lot more honesty in my life - about whom and what I am. I can’t keep pretending to be someone I am not.’
‘I know the feeling’, answered Denise.
‘I have often wanted to explain to Dad, but I did not want him to be a disappointed in me, especially when Mum was so ill and after she died. Now that Jane is married and he will soon be a grandfather, I think he should be strong enough to learn the truth about his younger daughter.’
‘Does Jane know?’ asked Denise.
‘I have never spelled it out to her but I suspect she does probably suspect as much — it is not the sort of thing you can hide from your sister for very long. We do all these girly things together, but I think she realises that I am not happy with my life as it is.’
‘She is probably just waiting for you to come and tell her in your own time.’
‘Perhaps you are right.’
‘How about John, does he suspect anything?’
‘I doubt it, he is only a guy after all — they are not very emotionally perceptive.’
The one thing that Denise most appreciated about her friendship with Samantha was that she never saw her as anything but a real woman. She was now relieved that her friend had been so resolute in declining any contact with Denis back in May.
‘Once Jane does know for sure, she will probably help you to break the news to your father. I found my sister was a great help as an intermediary with my mother. She helped to soften the blow somehow.’
‘Thanks for the advice Denise. I am sure you are right. There is just one other thing though.’
‘What is that?’
‘Once I return to university in September, I am going to come out as a lesbian and stop ‘advertising’ myself as an available female looking for a mate, by what I wear and how I behave.’
‘Oh Samantha, please don’t start wearing dungarees and Doc Martens and get yourself a crew-cut— you would make an even less convincing bloke than I used to do,’ said Denise smiling.
Samantha also smiled at the idea.
‘Maybe so, but I don’t have to wear the “fuck me pumps” and tight skirts that some of the other girls in my year choose to wear.’
‘You can advertise your sexual preferences perfectly well just by being upfront and open with people. Since you have asked for my opinion, I would say that you have great looks — as a girl — and it would be a shame to try and disguise that fact just to make a political point, but of course it is your decision’.
‘So you’d have me be a ‘lipstick lesbian?’
‘I’d have you be whatever makes you happy and fulfilled. As I said last night, what you choose to wear is your business. But what are you intending to do about the modelling job?’
‘There is only one more month to go, so I will finish my commitments before I make any changes to my appearance.’
‘That will at least keep Sue happy,’ said Denise.
‘Yes, what is it with Sue recently; she has been singularly chirpy for the last couple of weeks?’
‘It must be this guy she has met.’
Samantha sighed.
‘It amazes me, you get an intelligent, independent woman like Sue who meets a new guy and suddenly she starts behaving like a schoolgirl.’
‘I hardly think she is behaving like a schoolgirl. She still gets on with her work in a professional manner, but is just a little more cheerful than usual. It is always nice to have a partner to go out with and share your life — that is what attracted me about going out with your cousin, but then of course sex came along and began to complicate matters.’
‘It looks as if, like you, I will also be condemned to a life of abstinence and reflection’, answered Samantha wearily.
‘Well you could always join a nunnery,’ said Denise with a twinkle in her eye.
‘No chance, there would be too much temptation for me,’ said Samantha. ‘I might end up fancying one of the sisters, or even the Mother Superior.’
As they were talking, Denise’s mobile phone started to ring. It was the ring tone that she had allocated to John.
‘Hi John!’ she answered cheerily.
She listened to him speaking for a minute or two.
‘Alright, just give me an hour or so to make myself look respectable, then you can come and pick me up.’
She put the phone away.
‘Oh dear!’ she said to Samantha.
‘What’s that?’
‘That sounds rather ominous! It was John. There is something important that he wants to talk to me about.’
‘In that case I think perhaps I also ought to get dressed and go and have a heart-to-heart talk with my sister,’ said Samantha.
(Next time Both Denise and Samantha need to sort out their lives.)
Book 5 Chapter 3
Clearing the decks
‘Shall we take a drive out to Twickenham?’ he asked. ‘Simon has told me about a pub he knows there, next to the river Thames.’
‘That sounds fine to me,’ answered Denise trying to sound relaxed and friendly.
Twickenham is eight miles from Shepherd’s Bush, and on a Sunday afternoon the car journey takes about thirty minutes. John appeared to be nervous as he drove along the Great West Road, and he too displayed signs of not having slept too well. Denise looked expectantly but he seemed to be unable to initiate any conversation as they drove and so once they had turned off towards Richmond, she decided to say something herself to break the ice.
‘How are things back at the flat?’
‘Things are getting back to normal; everything is now cleared up and Jane has successfully removed the stain from her dress. Simon has gone round to have it out with his friend.’
‘Oh,’ she replied.
‘I suspect you may receive a grovelling letter of apology or else Simon says he will have nothing more to do with him. No matter how much he had to drink, his behaviour was inexcusable.’
‘I have no wish ever to see him again, and I think that both Samantha and I would not wish him to know our address; he does seem rather unstable,’ said Denise.
‘Simon realises that. If a letter is forthcoming, it will be conveyed to you via Jane.’
‘Alright, so be it, but it will be a long time before I forgive him for what he said.’
‘I know. I was up half the night talking to Simon about it. Apparently Peter is often rather full of himself, but Simon says that he has never seen him act in quite such a bigoted and aggressive manner. He now wonders about Peter’s sexuality. Apparently he has had dozens of girl-friends over the years but has never been able to sustain a relationship.’
‘From the evidence of his behaviour last night I can see why that should be,’ replied Denise.
‘For all we know, he may even have been envious of you.’
Denise smiled at the thought.
‘Do you really think so? If that is so, I can understand his anger; he would look awful in a dress.’
‘I have no idea if it is true or not, but we all have our secrets,’ added John.
‘I wonder what are yours?’ thought Denise as they continued their journey.
They found the pub in Twickenham without too much difficulty and parked the car, but Denise suggested they might go for a walk along the tow-path first, and John was happy to agree. Along with other couples, they ambled slowly along the path, but this time there was no physical contact between them. Once again she waited for him to initiate the conversation, but he seemed unwilling or unable to do so.
‘Alright John, it is now crunch time. What was it that you wanted to say to me that was so important?’ said Denise, feeling that they could no longer avoid speaking of the issue that they were clearly both thinking about.
He blushed.
‘Yesterday evening you said that you would not think less of me if I wanted to back out.’
‘Yes, I did.’
‘Did you mean it?’
‘Yes I did mean it; I like you too much to joke about such matters’.
‘Well, what made you say that?’
‘Because, in spite of how much I like you, I think our relationship may have been a mistake for both of us.’
He looked down at his feet.
‘I think I now share the same opinion as you do, although I feel such a coward to be backing off, just after you were savaged by that bully last night.’
‘Oh don’t worry about that, I had plenty of other people to stand up for me last night — most notably my flatmate.’
‘I think that I got carried away in Brighton. I was so proud and excited to be seen out with someone as lovely as you are, and then afterwards to discover that you were willing to sleep with me. It was like a dream come true, but at the time I did not think about the difficulties involved.’
‘You mean the difficulty of explaining to your mother and father that your new girlfriend has a penis.’
‘I suppose so,’ he answered looking decidedly shamefaced.
Denise stopped walking and turned to face him, looking him directly in the eye.
‘If we had stayed together you would have to give up a lot, even after my gender re-assignment. There could be no chance of any children, and there would always be gossip about my past.’
‘You must think me a coward.’
‘Perhaps a little bit, but, as the saying states, ‘’discretion is the better part of valour’’. In any event, you were not the only one at fault. I too got carried away. I became intoxicated by exercising the power that dressing as a woman has brought to me, without sufficiently thinking about how to use it responsibly. After eighteen years as a nonentity, I suddenly found that people began to take notice of me, and it was very flattering.’
‘Denise, you are still very young and only just beginning to find your way as a woman.’
‘Yes, and I think I now ought to spend a little time getting used to my new life before I think about any other relationship.’
They began to walk again without saying anything. Eventually he spoke again.
‘I would like to think that we could still remain as friends,’ he said tentatively.
She smiled before replying.
‘Yes, I would like that too, but no more nights together in hotel rooms,’ she replied.
‘Agreed!’
‘In any event, I have half-promised my sister that you and I would help her to move in to her new flat at the end of the month.’
‘I would be very happy to do so, I liked your sister and got on well with her last week,’ he replied.
Denise felt as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders, now that the air had been cleared between them and they both knew where they stood. They made their way back to the pub to have a last drink together, where they chatted a little awkwardly about things other than themselves or their past. At seven p.m. he drove her home once again. As she got out of the car and blew him a final kiss, she noticed Samantha about fifty yards away, returning from the tube station. She waved goodbye to John and then stood waiting for her friend to catch up, trying to read the expression on her face. He friend looked tired and anxious.
‘Have you spoken to Jane?’
Samantha nodded.
‘Do you want to talk about it?’
Samantha sighed, and then replied.
‘Yes please.’
‘Come in then and I’ll make us both a cup of tea and you can tell me all about it.’
‘So how did it go?’ asked Denise.
‘I believe it went as well as could be expected in the circumstances.’
‘Did she know already?’
‘She says that she’d had her suspicions but was not sure since her friends who are lesbians are all fairly butch. In any event, she had tended to push any suspicions to the back of her mind as she had her own things to worry such as her wedding and pregnancy.’
‘So how does she feel now that she has had her suspicions confirmed?
‘I don’t know really. It seemed to be no big deal for her. She just accepted the news and then asked if I was going to tell Dad.’
‘And are you?’
‘We discussed the pros and cons of trying to keep it a secret from him, but in the end decided that it was better to be honest. She has agreed to help me to break the news to him and so we are travelling to Birmingham together next weekend.’
‘Good luck. I’ll be thinking of you.’
‘Thanks, but there is one other thing.’
‘Go on’.
‘I am not ashamed of who I am, but I would rather you did not say anything about it at work or to my cousin until after I have had a chance to tell Dad.’
‘Of course I won’t say anything. It is your business and nothing to do with me.
‘Thanks.’
‘In any event, John and I have decided to go our separate ways, by mutual agreement.
Samantha looked a little awkward.
‘Denise, don’t misunderstand why I am saying this, but I now think that you have made the right decision.’
‘Maybe I should join a nunnery as well’ said Denise laughing.
‘I don’t think you would quite qualify — yet,’ said Samantha.
‘No, but maybe I will in a few months time.’
Later that evening, Denise had a long telephone chat with Alison, who had just returned from a long weekend away with her boyfriend. After asking how her friend had enjoyed her weekend, and then fishing for some more information about Sue and her new boyfriend, Denise brought her up to date with events in her own life. She gave a humorous account of Jane’s dinner party and Peter’s outburst.
‘My goodness wasn't he a jerk! I thought his kind became extinct along with the Dodo,’ said Alison.
‘Clearly not, there must be an isolated breeding colony somewhere.’
‘More likely an inbreeding colony, from the sound of it,’ she replied. ‘But why did you faint like that, or was it just a ruse to get rid of him?’
‘No, it was a genuine faint, I was quite prepared to stand up for myself, but suddenly I felt light-headed. I think it was probably due to the tablets you gave me as I have fainted a few times since I started taking them, but don’t worry, I have stopped taking any more until I have seen an endocrinologist.’
‘You should have mentioned it to me before, you no doubt need to have a lower dosage. However, perhaps it is just as well that you have stopped. It might be wise to mention what happened when you eventually see the doctor, but please don’t tell him where you got them from.’
‘Don’t worry; I’ll say I bought them off the Internet.’
The following day at work discussion was all about Jane’s dinner party.
‘Alison told me what happened; I hope you were not too upset by the events’ said Sue.
‘I was a little, but ignorance like that is something I will have face from time to time as a transsexual, but I am determined not to let it get to me,’ answered Denise.
‘I am glad. From what I have seen of you over the last few months I think you should be intelligent enough to rise above such bigotry.
‘Thanks. I was more concerned about having spoiled Jane’s dress, but fortunately she tells me it is now alright.’
‘If you wish, I’ll look out for a suitable long evening dress for you, so that the next time you are invited out to a posh dinner do not have to borrow one,‘ said Helen, joining the conversation.
‘That is very kind of you Helen, thank you very much, but I don’t envisage attending may formal events for some time,’ replied Denise.
‘You never know,’ said Sue.
‘Denise, when you have finished what you are doing, would you mind coming to see me in my office,’ said Helen.
‘Come in and sit down Denise,’ said Helen a half an hour later.
Denise did as she was told.
‘So let us get down to business. Over the last three weeks our sales have been steadily increasing, as we put more of the catalogue online. I can’t see that rate of increase changing until late October, and by then our turnover should have risen by 50% over the previous year. If my projections prove to be accurate it will have been largely due to your work. We have already spoken about your annual bonus due next month. At the outset I promised you £1,000 when the modelling job was completed. I have now decided to bring that forward to your September pay cheque, and then I will match that with a further £1,000 when the job is complete.’
‘Thank you, that is very generous of you,’ replied Denise. ‘The extra money will help me to begin to fund my transition, but I am not the only person in the office who is responsible, there is Sue and Samantha, and in fact everyone in the office has helped to some degree.’
‘I know that, and I will be taking it into account when assessing their bonuses,’ answered Helen, ‘and I will also give Samantha an extra payment when she leaves us next month.
‘I am glad about that,’ answered Denise.
‘I shall also be recruiting a new office junior in September who will take over most of your existing clerical jobs. Once you have taught her what to do, I should like you to begin playing a more central role in the business, dealing with clients, visiting show rooms, choosing which lines we shall market etc. Above all, I should also like you to be on the lookout for ways in which we can continue to expand or automate the business. Of course I will be amending your pay accordingly.’
‘Thank you Helen, that sounds like an interesting and exciting opportunity. I promise to do my best for you.’
‘That brings me to my final point. Storage space is likely to be at a premium over the next few months if we are going to cope with the extra business. I am currently storing three cardboard boxes for Denis. Two of them contain his clothes and one with other items and documents. It would be helpful to know how long I will need to keep them.’
‘Oh yes, sorry, I had forgotten all about them. I suspect I will no longer have any need for them as I have now passed the point of ever turning back. Maybe I could just have a last check through the boxes this evening, just to make sure there is nothing important. Afterwards I will arrange either to give them away to a charity shop or otherwise dispose of them in the morning.’
‘As long as you are sure that is what you wish to do; I am not trying to push you into any particular course of action,’ answered Helen.
‘No, I am quite sure what I need to do. It is time for me to look to the future and not try to hang on to the past.’
‘In that case keep anything you might need and leave the remainder in cardboard boxes outside my office tonight. I will either take them to the charity shop or otherwise dispose of them in the morning,’ said Helen.
Thus, on Tuesday 10th August 2004, Denise said goodbye to the bulk of the remaining evidence of the existence of a young man named Denis Simons. In less than three months since Jane’s wedding everything had changed. All that was now left of her previous life were a few official documents and the evidence of her own body; and she hoped to be able to begin the process of rectifying both of these over the next few weeks.
(Next time Denise has a productive interview with Dr Collett and another trip to Norwich.)
Book 5 Chapter 4
Two important discussions
Denise had certainly felt herself to be more relaxed and less on edge on this occasion than she’d done at previous meetings.
‘I suppose it is because I am now resigned to the fact that this process may take a long time, but it maybe because I decided to finish a relationship that I had been having with a guy on Sunday,’ she answered.
‘Was it a sexual relationship?’ he asked.
‘Yes it was, but I came to the conclusion that it was not a good idea, for the time being at least. We have agreed to remain as friends only.’
‘I think it is probably a wise decision at least whilst you are undergoing transition, as you will need to concentrate on other issues. Sex and gender are two entirely different things and should not be confused with one another. Gender is in the mind, sex is between the legs. At this stage we are here to try and address your gender identity disorder, the roots of which are in your mind. Any alteration to your body must come later.’
‘I know’, answered Denise, sighing a little. ‘I am sorry if I have appeared impatient to move forward, it is as if my life is now on ‘hold’, but I will try and take things more calmly in the future.
‘It is not unusual for patients, such as yourself, to be anxious to proceed with hormones and surgery, but you have to be ready and I have to be sure that it is in your best interests. I am, however, conscious that you have been living successfully as a woman for some time already and if we continue to make such good progress next week, we can soon begin to talk about moving on to the next stage in the process and consulting an endocrinologist to examine your body. Yet there is one thing that is still worrying me a little, which you might be willing to address.’
‘What is that?’ asked Denise.
‘I accept that you are an adult and do not need the permission of your parents, but you are also still relatively young to be embarking on such an irrevocable course of action. You seem to be clear in your own mind, but I would be happier knowing that you had also discussed your plans with your mother at least.’
‘I have spent a weekend with my mother as Denise and we had a long talk. She was a little unhappy at first, but in the end, she was supportive.’
‘Did you discuss with her your intention of taking female hormones and ultimately having sex reassignment surgery?’
‘No, not exactly, I was waiting to know when it would start and how long it would take first. I have however discussed it with my sister and she understands how important it is to me.’
‘I think it would be useful to you to know that you have the support of all your family before you go any further down this road.’
‘In that case I will go and see her this weekend.’
‘Good!’ he said smiling. ‘We can meet again at the same time next week and you can let me know how you got on.’
That evening Denise telephoned her sister in Norwich.
‘Hi Jules, can I come and stay with you on Friday night?’
‘You can if you wish, I have an inflatable mattress and a sleeping bag which you are welcome to use, but I warn you that I have begun to pack some of my belongings in boxes ready for the move to London. Wouldn’t you be more comfortable staying with mum?’
‘No. I need some advice from you before I go to see mum on Saturday.’
‘What sort of advice can I give to my little sister?’ she asked.
‘I want to know how I can begin to explain to mum that I am not satisfied with the body that she gave me?’ said Denise.
Julia drew breath.
‘I suppose it does sound a little awkward, not to say ungrateful on your part, when you put it like that, but all you can do is to be honest and straightforward with her about your plans. Does your therapist support you?’
‘Yes, he has suggested that I should now discuss them with mum. How do you think she will react?’ asked Denise.
‘I am not sure. Whenever she speaks about you these days she never refers to you as Denis or as he. She is not a fool and I think that perhaps she already suspects the outcome.’
‘It would be helpful if it does not come as too much of a shock. So how should I play it?’
‘I suggest you telephone her and now and say that you would like to come to lunch on Saturday, because you have something important to discuss with her. That way she will at least have the opportunity to prepare herself.’
‘Will you be there to support me?’
‘Yes, if you want me to be. Ever since I came to stay with you for my interview, I have felt that you would probably be better off as a woman. If you are really sure that this is the right course of action for you to take then I will support you, and ultimately I think mum will do so as well.’
‘Thank you Julia. Elder sisters do have their uses at times.’
‘I am sure you would do as much for me. But what about Prince Charming?’ asked Julia.
‘John and I have agreed to cool it and in future only be friends. But don’t worry he has promised to help with your move. At the end of the month’
‘Good, it would be a shame to let a good man go to waste.’
Denise arrived as promised at her sister’s flat on Friday night, and they spent several hours talking together before going to bed. The next morning she dressed carefully, wishing to look pretty and yet demure for the coming interview with her mother. As she did so she received a text message from Samantha.
Told Dad last nite — tears b4 bedtime! — but as Ma Julian says ‘all will be well’. Gr8 w8 off my shoulders, luv Sam xx
She texted back
Well done! Now keep yr fingers +ed 4 me, luv D.
The two sisters arrived at their mother’s house at 1.00pm to find that Ellen had prepared them a cold meal
‘Well I must say it is nice to have the two of you to lunch again,’ she said. ‘It will not be the same when you are both working in London. So how is the job going Denise?’
‘Fine thanks mum, the firm is doing really well. Helen wants me to take on some new responsibilities once I have finished the modelling in the autumn.’
‘New responsibilities … as Denise?’
Denise nodded.
‘Yes — long-term responsibilities.’
‘I see.’
‘I have also started to consult a therapist specialising in gender identity issues. He has advised me to discuss with you the course of action I am intending to take.’
Ellen did not look surprised.
‘In that case you had better tell me exactly what you have in mind.’
‘As far as I am concerned Denis is now dead and the rest of my life will be spent as Denise. I am far happier living as a woman than ever I was as a man, and believe I can continue to do so successfully. I therefore intend to begin taking female hormones as soon as I am able, which will irreversibly change the shape of my body. I will also formally change my name and begin to create a new official identity for myself as a woman. In time, when I can afford to pay for it, I intend to have corrective plastic surgery, to enhance my breasts if necessary, to remove my penis and create a vagina.’
Ellen flinched momentarily as she said the final sentence, but otherwise stayed quite calm.
‘How long will it all take?’ she asked.
‘About two years to judge the effects of the hormones and to get a Gender Recognition Certificate, where I will be recognised as a woman, for all official purposes. After that it will rather depend upon the state of my finances to finish the job. I will have to save as much as possible’
‘You are certain that it is the right thing for you to do.’
‘Mum, I have never been so certain of anything in my life. It is something that I need to do.’
‘So what do you want from me?’ asked Ellen.
‘I don’t have to have your permission, but I would be grateful to continue to receive both your support and your love, and for you to be proud of your younger daughter,’ she replied, as a tear began to slowly make its way down her cheek.
Ellen turned to Denise with a look of great tenderness.
‘Of course I will always love and support you, and be proud of you as well. You are, after all, my … daughter,’ said Ellen, with only the slightest hesitation between the last two words, as if she was just getting used to saying them.
‘So you won’t mind what your neighbours or our relations think of me.’
‘No, not at all! In fact, it will be quite something to be able to boast about “my daughter the transsexual” to my friends, I am not aware that anyone else that I know has one.’
Denise laughed at the idea, and then got up from the table to hug her mother. Julia, who had been looking on silently, joined in as well.
‘The main thing is that we are a family and love one another,’ said Ellen.
‘Nobody could ask for a better mum, responded Denise.
‘I agree,’ said Julia.
‘There is one way that I can help you Denise,’ said Ellen after they had sat down again..
‘What is that?’
‘As part of the divorce settlement, your father invested £5,000 for each of you, to help pay for your higher education, before he left the country. Julia has spent her money whilst she was at university, but your money is still available, and has almost doubled in value since it was invested. As it now looks as if you are not going to choose to go on to university, I don’t see why it should not be used to fund any surgery you may require.’
‘Mum, that will be marvellous, it will mean that I will be able to live a more normal life over the next two years and not have to scrimp and save every penny I earn.’
‘It is still gathering interest and will be available when you need it. When will it all start?’
‘I already have enough money saved to pay for my hormones. I hope I will receive my letter of recommendation soon.’
They continued talking for some time before moving on to discuss the details of Denise’s life in London and Julia’s new job and flat. After lunch Ellen made a surprising suggestion.
‘Why don’t you girls come up to my bedroom. There are some evening dresses and shoes that I used to wear as a young woman, but which would still look today. I can no longer get into them, but you two may be able no wear them.’
She was right, the dresses and shoes fitted the two girls quite well, so they each chose one outfit to try on.
‘I will get my digital camera, as I would like to have a nice photograph of my two daughters to put on the sideboard.’
‘In that case I had better refresh my makeup and do my hair,’ said Denise.
‘You can tell which one of us has been working as a model,’ commented Julia.
Ellen loaned them some of her remaining jewellery and Denise explained to her sister how to use makeup to look her best in front of the camera. As soon as they were ready Ellen proceeded to take some photographs of them both individually and together, and finished with a timed shot of herself and her two daughters.
‘You both look so nice in those dresses that you are welcome to keep them if you wish,’ said Ellen.
‘Thanks mum I could do with a long dress,’ said Denise.
Hanging in the back of their mother’s wardrobe they also came across her beautiful silk wedding dress, and another which she had once worn as a bridesmaid.
‘Mum you once promised to let me try on your wedding dress, may I do it now?” said Julia, “Denise can be my bridesmaid.’
‘Alright then, as long as you let me take a photograph of you both together.’
The two dresses fitted well and Ellen provided suitable shoes and accessories. She also picked some flowers from her garden to provide two poesies. For the next hour or so they had a lot of fun posing for the camera. When they had finished Julia turned to Denise and asked whether she would like to take a turn as the bride.
‘Yes please, as long as mum does not mind.’
Julia and her mother helped her to put on the long dress and the veil. It felt wonderful to be dressed as a bride and, as she admired herself in the mirror, she wondered what it would be like to be a real bride one day.
‘I think that wedding dress suits you better than it did me,’ said Julia, ‘I'm quite envious of you.’
‘Please don’t be, you will get to choose and wear your own wedding dress one day, whereas I'll only ever be an onlooker,’ said Denise, a little sadly.
Julia affectionately squeezed her sister’s hand in an attempt to cheer her up.
‘If and when I do get married I'll want to have you as my chief bridesmaid,’ she said.
‘I shall be happy to do so,’ responded Denise smiling.
It was early evening when Denise and her sister reverted to their original clothes. Julia decided to return to her own flat and continue with her packing but Denise stayed the night with her mother. They downloaded the pictures on to Ellen’s computer and made copies of the files on to disks. Denise then showed her mother how to select the three best of them and to edit them using Photoshop. Eventually they printed three copies of each on to photographic paper.
‘Both my daughters look beautiful in these pictures, but Denise you are the same age as I was when I got married, and with that long fair hair you remind me of how I looked at the time.’
‘In that case you must have looked beautiful on your wedding day,’ said Denise, laughing.
Before going to bed she sent a text to Samantha.
Julian was right! All now well, details later. D.
Her friend replied.
‘Good! Parents can be such a worry!
The next morning Ellen insisted on writing a letter to Dr Collett, although Denise told her it was not necessary. In it she assured him that after much consideration and discussion, Denise had her mother’s and her sister’s full support in her intention of living the rest of her life as a woman, and that she hoped he could help her to achieve her aim. She handed it to her daughter to pass on to the therapist.
Denise took the train back to London on Sunday afternoon feeling that one more item had been ticked off her checklist, and she was one step closer to her ultimate aim.
(Next time Denise has her first appointment with an endocrinologist.)
Book 5 Chapter 5
Some preliminary investigations
During the morning coffee break Samantha quietly announced her lesbian sexuality in the middle of a conversation with her colleagues. Once again there was no big deal. No-one spluttered or dropped their coffee cup. Some of her colleagues merely displayed mild surprise, or else a concern for her future, but there was no sense of shock or of condemnation that she had half expected.
‘Maybe we exaggerated these things in our own minds, and they never were going to be the great issue that we feared,’ commented Samantha as they began to get themselves ready for the next series of shots. ‘Perhaps most of the problem is in our own minds.’
‘Possibly you're right,’ said Sue, ‘but I don't think it has always been so.’
‘No, our world is a lot more broad-minded and understanding of the complexities of human life than the one in which our parents’ grew up,’ said Denise. ‘Those who differ from the norm, like Samantha and I, are no longer as isolated as we once were. We can now find information and an understanding of our respective conditions on the Internet. We can now access advice or therapy to help us come to terms with our true selves and, if we wish, make contact with others just like us. We no longer have to think of ourselves as freaks, and try and hide our feelings from our friends and families.'
‘Yes, but as you discovered last weekend, there are still are pockets of ignorance and bigotry,’ said Samantha. ‘Even the law does not yet recognise your right to live as a woman if you choose, or my right to marry a woman.’
‘True, but I understand that things are about to change, as a result of various rulings by The European Court of Human Rights which have forced the UK Government to introduce new legislation. By the time I complete my transition I should be able to be legally recognised as a woman, and, if the Civil Partnerships Bill goes through Parliament, you and your chosen partner will soon be able to enjoy most of the same rights as a married couple, and even adopt children, if you wish to do so,’ said Denise.
‘No doubt things are getting better in Europe and the USA but there are still large areas of the world where to be different is to invite persecution and perhaps even death. Even in the west it will still be necessary for us to live our lives with a degree of discretion so as “not to frighten the horses”,’ added Samantha.
During the remainder of the morning session, their conversation moved on to other less serious subjects. Sue certainly did seem far chirpier than her usual self. The two models tried to extract some more information about her boyfriend, but she was not particularly forthcoming, beyond the fact that his name was Adam; he was a professional photographer, and that they seemed to be getting on quite well. There was an element of good-natured banter between the three of them, but Denise and Samantha soon found that their friend was beginning to blush and so let the matter drop for the time being.
Although Denise enjoyed her job, Monday afternoon and Tuesday seemed to drag on interminably as she waited for her next appointment with Dr Collett first thing on the Wednesday morning. Now that the details of the therapy she was undergoing were known to her colleagues, it was relatively easy for her to arrange things with Sue and Samantha so that her appointments did not unduly disrupt their work. There was always plenty for her to do at other times to make up for the lost time and even to work some overtime to help pay for the consultations.
Dr Collett began their next meeting by raising the issue of Denise’s sexual orientation, which they had not had time to discuss the previous week.
‘To be honest with you, Dr Collett I'm confused about my sexuality’ she replied. ‘Until I started to live as Denise a few months ago I was always too shy to have any physical relationship. I've always preferred the company of girls to that of boys, but I'm not sure whether that was because I sub-consciously wanted to be one. As I mentioned last week, I have had one brief sexual relationship with a man, and I must admit I quite enjoyed the experience of the power that it gave me. However, in retrospect I feel it may have been a mistake. I am also currently sharing a house with a young woman who is coming to terms with lesbianism. I greatly enjoy her company, but we both need a prolonged period of abstinence and reflection.’
‘Once your transition has been completed, you may wish to explore your sexual orientation but in the meanwhile, I suggest you should rather concentrate on the process of transition itself.’
‘Very well Dr Collett.’
‘Now, did you go and see your mother last weekend?’
Dr Collett listened carefully to his patient’s account of her previous weekend and questioned her about her conversations with her mother and sister. He also read her mother’s letter. Eventually he seemed to be satisfied with what he had been told.
‘Alright then Denise, I can now say that it is my professional opinion that you are indeed suffering from Gender dysphoria, and it would be in your interests to receive medical intervention to assist you to live in their preferred gender identity as a woman. Under normal circumstances I would have expected two or perhaps three more sessions before I made my diagnosis, but you appear to have adopted a female life-style without any difficulty, and to have thought through the implications of what you are planning to do.’
‘Thank you,’ she replied, feeling greatly relieved by the news.
‘It's also fortunate that you do not have established financial, family or legal commitments, and that your mother and sister both appear to be supportive of your wishes,’ he continued. ‘You are still young and your male body does not appear to be fully developed, for reasons which your endocrinologist will no doubt wish to investigate. This has been the main reason, why you have been able to pass so well as a woman.’
‘So where do I go from here?’ asked Denise.
‘I think the time has come for you to move on to the next phase of your treatment and I am willing to write you a letter of referral to an endocrinologist recommending hormone treatment as a means of furthering your transition. However, this does not mean that your mental health therapy is at an end. The treatment of gender dysphoria is a collaborative process between different health professionals. I would therefore like to see you from time to time during your continuing treatment. If, at a later date, you wish to proceed to have surgical intervention you will need letters of referral from both your endocrinologist and a mental health therapist.’
‘Yes I understand,’ said Denise.
Not all endocrinologists will have experience working with transgendered patients. It is up to you to decide, but I could recommend one to you if you wish.
‘Yes please.’
‘If you call back to my clinic after you have finished work this evening, my secretary will provide you with your letter of referral and also the names and addresses of a number of endocrinologists that I have successfully worked with in the past. However, do not expect to come away with a large bottle of pills after your first visit, your doctor will need to examine you and carry out various tests to establish what is going on in your body before they start to prescribed a hormone regime. I would like to see you again in late September. By then you should have begun your journey to become a physical woman.’
‘Thank you very much for your help Dr Collett,’ said Denise as she got up to leave.
‘Good luck with your transition,’ he replied smiling.
That evening Denise conducted a web search of the four names on Dr Collett’s list based in London. She also rang Alison for advice, but she could not help, except to say that once she had been given the relevant prescriptions she would probably be in a position to supply the hormones at a substantial discount from a normal pharmacy prices. In the end decided on the only female doctor on the list, Maude Spencer, who happened to be based at a large National Health Service hospital about fifteen minutes’ walk from her work. The following morning she rang her clinic for an appointment, and was told that there would be a six week delay. She then indicated that she wished to be treated as a private patient and was offered a one-hour appointment late the following afternoon. Having to make up the time for two medical appointments in one week, would have been problematic, however, now that she did not have to make time to see John at the weekends, Denise was free to work. She therefore arranged with Helen to spend the whole of Saturday working on enhancements to the ordering system.
On Thursday night she also carefully unstuck her breast forms, knowing that she would probably have to undergo a physical examination the next day. The skin underneath was pale, but fortunately there was no trace of soreness. It would do her no harm to leave them unattached for one day, in the hope that soon she would begin to grow a pair of her own.
Denise arrived at the clinic in plenty of time and gave her details and Dr Collett’s letter of referral to the receptionist. She provided her with a leaflet for private patients, describing the services offered by the clinic, including Gender Identity therapies, together with contact numbers and setting out a scale of fees. These were expensive, so she hoped that the number of consultations and period of treatment would not be prolonged, but Denise estimated that she would have enough money to cover this first stage or her transition without calling on the funds held by her mother.
After waiting for a few minutes a friendly, down-to-earth, woman in her early fifties came out to greet her.
‘Good afternoon Miss Symonds, I have just read Dr Collett’s letter so please come in to my office and sit down.’
‘Thank you,’ she replied, ‘and please will you call me Denise.’
‘Very well, Denise. No doubt Dr Collett has explained to you my role in your transition. The aim of hormone therapy will be to make you more comfortable with yourself, both in terms of your physical appearance, and how you feel about yourself. The hormones will begin to change your body shape so that is more female. These changes include the shrinking of your penis and testicles, the loss of some muscle and increase of fat on your hips. It will make it harder for you to get an erection and have an orgasm,’ she said.
‘That is not an issue for me,’ replied Denise.
‘Your breasts may also increase in size slightly, and you may have less facial and body hair. However, to be frank, several of your facial features already appear to be quite feminine already so you must not expect dramatic results,’ continued the Doctor.
‘The main thing is to ensure that I do not start becoming more masculine looking,’ answered Denise.
‘Hormone therapy will not have any effect on your voice, but again that does not seem to be a problem for you. Nor will it alter your height. While you are taking these hormones, you will need to have regular check-ups at my clinic to find out whether the hormone treatment is benefiting you. However, before we go any further I will need to give you a full physical examination and take some blood and urine samples for testing. We can then meet again in about a week’s time to discuss a possible treatment regime. Dr Collett also refers to your lack of masculine development in his letter, which we will have to investigate.’
‘There is one thing that perhaps I ought to mention Dr Spencer.’
‘What is that?’
‘A few weeks ago I took some Aldactone tablets for about ten days but they seemed to make me feel faint and so I decided to stop taking them.’
She frowned.
‘I see! I doubt if they have done you any permanent damage if you have stopped taking them, but if we are going to work together successfully you must promise not to take any medicines without first consulting me. I always believe in involving my patients in decisions about the treatment I prescribe, but I am not prepared to have my patients self-medicate whilst they are under my care.’
‘Yes Doctor, I understand and I realise now that it was a stupid thing to do, but it was just that I was frightened that my puberty might re-start and that I would turn into a man.’
Dr Spencer smiled.
‘There is probably no harm done on this occasion, but we have to trust one another if we are going to work together, and you are going to safely undergo hormone therapy.’
Denise found the medical examination to be rather embarrassing and also a little demeaning, particularly as it involved a detailed examination of her scrotum and the measurement of her penis, both of which she had rather wished to forget she ever had.
‘It is odd, almost as if your puberty has started and then come to a stop for some reason’.
The doctor also examined her chin for sighs of beard growth, her throat chest, where the breast forms had been attached.
‘Don’t worry’, said Dr Spencer, trying to dispel the embarrassment, ’we should soon be able to help you to grow some breasts of your own, without having to rely on silicone forms.
‘That is what I would really like above all else,’ Denise answered.
‘I can’t guarantee that they will be quite as large as the ones you have at present, but there is always the option of artificially enhancing them at a later date if you wish,’ she added.
Finally she was allowed to get dressed and the doctor took some blood and then gave her a bottle and asked to go to the toilet and provide a urine sample.
‘I am afraid it is too early to say anything definitive at the moment Denise, but given your desire to live as a woman, you seem to have quite a lot going for you in terms of your general appearance, absence of beard growth etc. If you come and see me this time next week, and we will have the results of your tests and know what is going on in your body. I will then be able to advise you on a suitable course of treatment’.
‘Thank you Dr Spencer’
‘The last week has really dragged and the next seven days are bound to seem like as many years,’ thought Denise to herself as she made her way home. ‘I must do something to take my mind off the waiting for news. Perhaps I could organise a girls’ night out for next weekend to give me something to look forward to.'
(Next time Denise hears the results of Dr Spencer’s tests.)
Book 5 Chapter 6
Two appointments at the clinic
‘How will you be transporting all your belongings?’ asked Denise.
‘I was originally going to pay for a removal van, but I don’t have that much in the way of furniture and certainly not enough to fill a removal van. However, your friend John telephoned me last weekend and has offered to hire a small van in London and collect me from Norwich and then drive me to London. All I need to do is to have everything boxed up and ready to go by 10.30am.’
‘That is very kind of him,’ said Denise slightly surprised and pleased by the news.
‘Yes it is. I will make sure that I refund all his expenses, and will also invite you both to dinner soon afterwards, by way of thanks.’
‘What time do you expect to arrive at your new flat?’
‘’John thinks we should be there by about 1.30pm, but, if you like, I will send you a text message confirming our expected time of arrival.’
‘I will be there to help you unpack. Would you like me to bring some sandwiches and a flask of coffee for when you arrive?’
‘Yes please.’
Samantha also seemed pre-occupied with her own issues that evening and so, to help pass the time, after she finished work Denise sat down and began to compile a list of all the new documentation she would need for her new life as a woman and the official bodies that she would need to notify. She then searched the Internet to find the necessary regulations and procedures. It was going to be a lot more complicated than she had imagined. Once she had started on her medication, she would legally change her name by means of a Statutory Declaration which would involve visiting a solicitor. Then she would notify her bank of her new name and apply for a new National Insurance Number Card from the Department of Work and Pensions. This in turn would enable Helen to regularise the paperwork relating to her job, and thereafter she would be employed and paid in the name of Denise Simons. Once this was done and her salary was being paid into her bank account she would be able to apply for a credit card in her new name, and begin to create a credit record for herself. She would also apply for a provisional driving licence in her new name which would also show her new gender, and so serve as an identity card for many other purposes. However, she would need a letter from the Endocrinologist confirming she was undergoing treatment before she could obtain a replacement passport. She would also need to register with a local doctor, which she had so far failed to do since she moved house in June, and ensure that she was listed on the register of electors. At every stage there would be a host of things to do, different forms to complete, and sometimes difficult explanations to be made, but in the end it would all be worthwhile.
At long last Friday came around. As usual when she had an appointment, Denise chose her outfit very carefully to make a clear statement about who she was and who she wanted to be. She had refrained from gluing back the false breasts during the last week just in case Dr Spencer needed to examine her again, but was anxious to do so as soon as possible. In truth she was anxious to have her own breasts as soon as possible but realised that it would be a year, at least, after she began her hormone therapy before she would see much signs of growth, and perhaps a further six months before she could even think about breast enhancement surgery. It was all going to take a long time and she had to be patient.
The morning was spent modelling clothes as usual, and then she used her lunch break to ensure that her hair and makeup were immaculate, before making her way to the clinic.
Denise was shown into Dr Spencer’s office, feeling decidedly nervous. The doctor smiled and invited her to sit down.
‘Thank you for coming Denise. I now have the results of the blood and urine tests we took last week. I have to tell you that you are suffering from the XX male syndrome, which is also sometimes called the de la Chapelle syndrome.’
‘What is that?’ asked Denise.
‘It is a rare sex chromosomal disorder affecting about one in every 20-25,000 male children who are born. Normally there are twenty-three pairs of chromosomes, in each cell, twenty-two of which are the same for men and women. The last pair, which is known as the sex chromosomes, differs: there are two X chromosomes in females and an X and a Y chromosome in males. In your case that last pair contains two X chromosomes.’
‘Well doesn’t that mean that I am really female after all?’ asked Denise hopefully.
‘No, I am afraid not. Although you have some female characteristics in terms of your build and general appearance, you also have fully developed male genitalia including both testes,’ she replied sensing her disappointment.
‘So am I male or female?’ asked Denise.
‘Neither entirely one nor the other. You have female chromosomes but male physical features. Most men with XX male syndrome will have a male chromosome gene known as SRY attached to one of their X chromosomes, but you are one of the minority with this condition that do not do so. There must be other genes on other chromosomes that are responsible for your male physical features. To be honest, we do not fully understand the condition.’
‘So I am among a minority of sufferers of a very rare condition.’
‘Yes, I am afraid so.’
‘But what does it mean for me?’ asked Denise sounding increasingly worried.
‘Clearly your condition has not affected your intellectual development in any way and is now most unlikely to reduce your life expectancy, but there is one important issue. Although you have descended testes, I am afraid you will have no sperm production. In other words, you are infertile and there is nothing that can be done to alter that.’
‘That is not an issue for me. I am quite resigned that I will not be able to have children either as a man or a woman.’
‘There is also a chance that, in time, your testicles, will become cancerous. My advice to you would be to have them removed as soon as possible. We would then be able to control your condition and give you a relatively normal life in all other respects by administering either male or female hormones. You were referred to me because of your stated desire to live as a woman. In that case, as soon as your gonads have been removed I suggest that you should begin a course of oestrogen. In your case there would be no need to treat you with anti-androgens or progestogens at the same time.’
‘When can you begin?’ asked Denise.
‘It is a simple procedure that I would be able to carry out under local anaesthetic, at my clinic. But you have to be clear that the procedure is irreversible, as also would be the effects of taking oestrogen. In my opinion the orchidectomy (or removal of your testes) is necessary to safeguard your long term health, but you are welcome to get a second opinion if necessary.’
‘I thought you said that I was sterile.’
‘I did, and I am afraid there is nothing that anyone will be able to do about that.’
‘In that case I wish to proceed with the orchidectomy as quickly as possible. I do not need a second opinion. When would you be able to do it?
‘If you wish I could do it on Tuesday morning. The procedure is quite straight-forward and you would be able to return to work after an hour or so.’
Would I then be able to begin on the hormone regimen?’ asked Denise.
‘Yes, I recommend taking estradiol, which is the main sex hormone present in females. It is less expensive compared with some of the alternatives and in my experience it is just as effective. The results for my previous patient have been very satisfactory. I think you should take it in the form of a combination oral estrogen and gel in the first instance.’
‘Why is that?’
‘We are aiming to provide you with a continuous low level supply of oestrogen throughout the day, rather than as large does, as this is less likely to have any effect on your liver. The best way to administer it is to place a 4 mg tablet under your tongue each day, plus two measures of estradiol gel. Injections and skin patches are possible alternatives, but I would not be happy with you administering your own daily injections, and skin patches can cause irritation.’
‘How long will it take before I notice any changes due to the hormone therapy?’ asked Denise.
‘It is difficult to say, perhaps a week or two, perhaps longer. Don’t get frustrated at how long it takes to produce results. It can take a few months for some changes to develop. It may be that you will notice differences in how you feel before you see any physical alterations to your body.’
‘What sort of differences?’
‘Estrogen levels have a noticeable impact upon mental health. You may experience sudden mood swings, heightened emotional feelings, such as bursting into tears and even bouts of depression once you start taking the tablets. This is not unusual and should be temporary once your body adjusts to the new levels of oestrogen. That is why we will need to monitor your treatment at regular intervals during the first few weeks.’
‘When can I start with the oestrogen?’
I will give you a prescription today, and I suggest you could start taking them as soon as we have completed your orchidectomy on Tuesday.
‘Thank you Dr Spencer.’
‘There are other areas where my colleagues often provide support to transgender patients, such as advice on dressing, body language and general behaviour in your new gender, language, speech therapy, or hair removal treatments. However, at first sight you do not appear to need much help with these. You seem to be able to pass as a woman without any difficulty.’
‘Thank you. My work has helped me a great deal with my dress sense and posture. Also I have been trying hard to listen to my female friends and colleagues and improve my use of language and gestures.’
‘Your medical condition has also greatly helped with your overall appearance, and reduced the need for hair removal treatment. Things seem to be going well for you in your proposed transition, but both your psychiatrist and I will wish to make another full assessment of your progress after three months.’
As soon as she left the clinic, Denise rang Alison at her work and told her, what the doctor had said and what drugs had been prescribed for her.
‘There will be no problem in my providing them, except that it is a Bank Holiday weekend. However, if you can provide me with your prescription sometime over this weekend, I will be able to let you have your medicines by Tuesday lunchtime,” she replied.
‘That will be fine I do not need to start taking them until Tuesday evening. I’ll bring the prescription round to your flat on Sunday night, if that is convenient.’
‘Unfortunately both Sue and I are planning to be away until Monday afternoon. How about coming round on Monday evening instead then you could stay for dinner as well and we can have a chat?’
‘Thanks I should like that.’
That evening Denise told Samantha all about her consultation with Dr Spencer, the diagnosis and the procedure she would soon go through.
‘So at the moment you are neither male nor female.’
‘Yes, but we will soon begin to correct that.’
‘It sounds as if next Tuesday will be “crunch-time”,’ said Samantha.
‘I sincerely hope not,’ said Denise. ‘I think she will use a scalpel, rather than two bricks.’
Samantha smiled.
‘But she won’t be cutting off whole thing?’
‘No that will come some time later. She will just be removing contents.’
‘Well, there is an old proverb that says ‘better an empty house than an ill tenant’.
‘In other words, 'better out than in'.’
‘And then you will also start taking the oestrogen?’
‘Yes, and then I am afraid you may have to put up with some tears and temper tantrums from me for a few weeks.’
Samantha rolled her eyes, ‘I remember the feelings; puberty can be a tumultuous time for a girl.’
‘So I understand.’
‘So Denise what are you planning to do to mark the loss of the last vestiges of your manhood and the advent of your womanhood?’
‘I don’t know really, I had wondered about inviting some friends out this weekend, but it is a Bank Holiday and a number of them will be going away,’ answered Denise.
‘In that case we should organise a little celebration for Tuesday evening, after the deed has been done.’
‘I should like to do something to acknowledge the help of my female friends.’
‘Great, it will be a girls’ night out. Leave it with me, I will telephone around and organise something,’ said Samantha.
‘Thank you.’
‘What are your plans for tomorrow Denise?’
‘My sister is moving in to her new flat, and your cousin John will be driving her down from Norwich. I thought I would look for a suitable flat-warming gift tomorrow morning and then go and help her to unpack and get settled in.’
‘Would Julia like me to help as well?’ asked Samantha.
‘Oh yes, I am sure she would, and I would be pleased as well. That way I won’t feel as if I am playing gooseberry in the afternoon.’
‘Do you think there is something going on between them?’ asked Samantha.
‘No, not as yet, but I should not want to get in the way in case it does,’ replied Denise.
(Next time Denise faces her new life with the help of her friends.)
Book 5 Chapter 7
The first day of the rest of her life
Julia had found for herself a rather nice single-bedded flat in Kennington, with its own bathroom and a kitchen/diner. It was on the top floor of a large early Victorian terraced house, which had been divided up into separate apartments. It was situated in a fairly quiet back not far away from the Park. It was a cosmopolitan neighbourhood. The rent was somewhat more than Denise might have afforded, but her sister had been working ever since she left University and had now found herself a much better-paid job, so she would be able to manage.
With the benefit of text messaging, Denise and Samantha were able to arrive at the new flat, together with their house warming present and some coffee and sandwiches, just as the van with John and Julia was pulling up. They all went inside and were briefly shown around by Julia. They had some lunch together before starting to unload the van. Fortunately John was able to manage the relatively few heavy boxes. The remainder were just a little awkward to negotiate up the stairs to her flat. Denise rarely wore trousers out of choice these days, but was pleased that she had chosen her jeans and an old t-shirt on this occasion.
By 3.30pm all of Julia’s belongings were safely inside the flat and so John left them to return the van to the hire company. The three girls began the task of unpacking the boxes and transferring their contents to the wardrobe, chests of drawers, cupboards and bookshelves.
‘That was very good of my cousin to offer to drive you and your belongings from Norwich,’ said Samantha to Julia.
‘Yes, particularly as I had only met him on a couple of occasions before,’ she replied. ‘I assumed he was trying to get back into my sister’s good books.’
‘We never had a row, but just agreed to part, as I will have other things to contend with over the next few months,’ said Denise.
‘OK, but as soon as I get my kitchen straight I will invite him round for a meal, to thank him for his trouble. Perhaps you two would like to come as well. I hardly know anyone else in London as yet.’
‘That will soon change once you begin work next week. You will soon have plenty of posh friends and won’t want to bother with your little sister,’ interposed Denise.
‘Now you know that is not true, I am very proud to have a sister, particularly one as nice as you. I just wish I’d had one a few years earlier rather than a moody and obnoxious little brother,’ she said giving Denise a hug.
‘Julia we are planning a ‘Girls Night Out’, on Tuesday evening if you can make it. Your sister will be having a small celebration, and it will give you the opportunity of meeting some of her friends and workmates,’ said Samantha.
‘I’ll be starting my new job on Tuesday, but I don’t imagine they will expect me to work late on my first day. But what is the celebration for Denise?’
‘I am having my testicles removed, as it transpires they are serving no useful purpose. I will also be starting to take my female hormones,’ she replied.
‘So it really will be the point of no return for you,’ said Julia.
‘No, not really, that was some time ago. This is just one more inevitable stage on a journey that I have to take, to make my body correspond with how I feel.’
‘In that case, I will be happy to come along and wish you well, but I doubt whether the Greetings Card manufacturers have got round to covering either of those celebrations as yet.’
By the time John arrived back it was after 5.30pm and much of the unpacking had been done. So the four agreed to go out and explore the surrounding area to find somewhere suitable to eat.
Denise spent most of the following day helping her sister to get settled in to her new flat and also exploring the nearby Sunday market, down the Walworth Road. They came back laden with West Indian food for her store cupboard, as Julia was an adventurous cook. Afterwards, Denise returned to her flat to catch up with her share of the housework, as she had tended to let things slide a little recently and did not wish to be seen to take advantage of Samantha’s good nature.
The Monday was a Bank Holiday and John had offered to drive Julia around London to help her get her bearings and see some of the sights. Samantha was spending the day with her sister and her husband. Denise spent the day at her work putting in some extra hours on the computer system so that she would be able to take the following morning off, in order to go to the clinic. Afterwards, she made her way to have dinner with Alison and Sue, as promised. Alison was busy cooking their meal. Sue had not yet arrived back, having been to visit her parents for the weekend together with her boyfriend.
‘By the way there will be four of us eating tonight. Sue will be bringing her new guy to be introduced’, said Alison.
‘Have you not met him yet?’ asked Denise.
‘No, she has been rather coy about him but I do get the impression she is quite keen.’
‘In that case, may I give this prescription to you now before they arrive?” said Denise handing it over to her.
Alison read through it quickly.
‘There should be no problem with this,’ said Alison. ‘I will be able to you have a three months supply of the tablets and gel tomorrow.’
‘When shall I call round to collect them?’
‘I understand from your housemate that your colleagues and friends are having a celebratory drink after work tomorrow evening, and have invited me to come along as well. Do you know who is likely to be there?’ asked Alison.
‘Samantha specified that it should be ‘ladies only’, so it will be those from the office who can make it, my sister, and I hope yourself as well,’ answered Denise. ‘You have met Jane and Samantha already when we went out for my birthday last month, and then of course there will be myself, and Sue, if we can prise her away from her new boyfriend for one night.’
‘Alright I’ll come too, and I will bring your tablets with me, if you want,’ said Alison.
‘Yes please. I’ll then be able to celebrate taking my first ever oestrogen pill as well as having my nuts removed.’
‘If you want, you can have one or two of my birth control pills in the meanwhile, they are virtually the same thing, and I have no further use for them.’
‘No, I had better stick with what the Doctor has prescribed,’ said Denise. ‘But why are you no longer taking the pill?’
‘I have been taking it for quite a few years now and feel my body needs a break. I think it is now the turn of my boyfriend to worry about contraception.’
Sue arrived at that point, followed by a tall fair-haired man in his early thirties, who looked a little awkward.
‘Hello everybody, I should like to introduce you to my fiancé,” she said cheerily as she entered...” Rich, this is Alison my flatmate and Denise my colleague from work.”
They were both blushing but also looked very pleased with themselves.
Alison looked genuinely surprised, but also pleased.
‘Well congratulations to both of you! That is brilliant news!’ she said hugging her flatmate and then proceeding to kiss the newcomer on the cheek.
Denise followed suit, only a little more diffidently. She still lacked some of Alison’s self-confidence, particularly when it came to dealing with young men.
Rich blushed even more than before and muttered his thanks for the congratulations. Sue looked truly happy.
‘You really are a dark horse Sue. When did all this happen? Why didn’t you tell us before?’ asked Denise.
‘Rich only proposed to me on Friday night. I accepted, and we went out and bought the ring the next morning, before either of us could change our minds,’ she said, showing off a diamond the engagement ring on her finger.
‘Alison and Denise both cooed over it and told her how lovely it looked.
Rich suggested that he might go out and get a bottle of champagne to celebrate, and the others agreed that it would be a good idea. Whilst he was gone Denise and Alison continued to question Sue about her plans.
‘So when is the big day?’ asked Denise.
‘No specific plans as yet, but when the time comes I hope you will both be my bridesmaid, and also Samantha as well.’
‘I would love to be your bridesmaid Sue and am sure that Samantha would as well. After all we have done it before,’ said Denise laughing.
‘I may have to be a matron of honour rather than a bridesmaid, as I think I may be pregnant,’ announced Alison.
‘Have you missed a period?’ asked Sue sounding surprised.
‘Two, and have also had a positive pregnancy test. I was going to tell you all about it tonight, but you have upstaged me with your news.’
‘So how did that happen?’ asked Sue
Alison shrugged her shoulders.
‘I decided to stop taking ‘the pill and I am sure you can imagine the rest without me going in to details. I have been thinking about settling down and taking the plunge myself recently.
‘So has Geoff asked you to marry him then?’ asked Sue.
‘Yes, but I at the time I avoided giving him a straight answer. However, I suspect the time has now come for me to settle down as well.’
‘So it would appear that double congratulations are in order,’ said Denise.
‘I suppose so, but it also means that I had better not drink any of that champagne when it comes.’
“Sue, am I allowed to tell Samantha your news when I go home tonight or will you be making a formal announcement at work tomorrow?’
‘Would you mind if I told everyone my news during your celebration?’ she asked.
‘No, of course not, it will be a great opportunity for everyone to celebrate the good news,’ replied Denise. ‘However, you had better bring Rich into work pretty soon afterwards for everyone to meet him.’
The ‘Girls Night Out’ was held in the same club in Covent Garden where Denise and Samantha had first met during the previous May, but this time there was no floor show. The group merely occupied a table in one corner of an otherwise crowded club. All five of their colleagues were able to attend, plus Alison and Julia. It turned out to be a much more wide-ranging celebration than was first envisaged, and there were many opportunities to toast different members present. Denise bought the first round of drinks, and related the details of her procedure earlier that day, which in the event turned out to be quite painless and rather uneventful. She also explained to her friends the timetable for the rest of her transition. Denise then took her first oestrogen tablet whilst her friends offered their good wishes for her future.
Then Sue announced her good news, and showed off her engagement ring for everyone to see, and provided a glass sparkling wine all round, except of course for Alison and Jane who were both lamenting the fact that they could only drink orange juice. All her workmates were delighted with the new, although there was also a little sadness when she announced that she hoped to go into business as a freelance photographer with her boyfriend.
Alison was also congratulated about her good news, which she had conveyed to her boyfriend earlier that day. Somewhat to her relief, he had been delighted with the prospect of being a father, and had proposed marriage for a second time. She did not feel she could accept him and then go out with her girl friends that night, so she had promised to let him know her answer the following day, but had intimated that she would be accepting him. In the meanwhile she spent much of the evening comparing notes and symptoms with Jane, whose baby was now beginning to show, and could be felt moving in the womb.
Good wishes were also offered to Julia for her new job and new flat, and also to Samantha, who would be shortly returning to University, to begin a new life. Finally, Helen announced the highly encouraging results from the first complete month that her company since they had launched the new website and operated the new ordering system, and bought yet another round of drinks.
‘Tomorrow will be the 1 September,’ commented Samantha to Denise. ‘This has been quite an eventful summer, one way or another.’
‘Yes, you are right. An awful lot has happened to both of us since we were last here’ said Denise, ‘it has been a real summer of changes.’
‘And it all started just because my sister did not want to leave you out of her hen-night.’
‘Thank you, I am very glad she didn’t, and I am very glad that you both bullied me into becoming her bridesmaid,’ she replied.
(Next time Epilogue - Denise in 2006 and 2009.)
Book 5 Chapter 8
Epilogue — Denise and Samantha
‘Those are quite an attractive pair you now have,' she said looking at the plunging neckline of her friend’s bridesmaid’s dress, towards her brand new, genuine, breasts.
‘Well since I was paying for a boob job, I felt that I might as well have a decent sized pair,’ answered Denise. ‘Dan wanted me to go one size larger, and even offered to pay for the operation, but it is my body and I did not want to look top-heavy just to satisfy his male fantasies.”
‘They look great, and really suit you. Did the operation cause you any pain?’
‘No. not really, my new breasts were a little uncomfortable for a few days afterwards, but they soon settled down, and the scars are entirely hidden underneath. They are infinitely better than those awful silicone boobs I used to wear. I timed the operation so that I would be recovered in good time for Julia’s wedding, and insisted that she chose us bridesmaid’s dresses that would enable us show off our assets.’
‘I feel a sham dressing up and acting girly as a bridesmaid in front of my family and friends, when everybody knows that I am a dyke and have a female lover waiting for me in the audience,’ said Samantha.
‘You are no more of a sham than I am, as a pre-op transsexual, and your lover will be sitting next to my boyfriend,’ replied Denise. ‘But why shouldn’t we dress up to help members of our families celebrate their marriage, if we are invited to do so?’
‘I suppose I feel out of place because I will never get married myself, but at least our friends and families seem to want us as a team, to help them celebrate; this is now the third time that we have been bridesmaids together,‘ said Samantha.
‘Yes, and it is my fourth time in all; remember I was a bridesmaid to my friend Angela when she came back from Singapore to get married.’
‘Poor Denise, “Always a bridesmaid and never a bride,”’ said Samantha. ‘But there will be nothing to stop you and Dan getting married next April, once you received your Gender Recognition Certificate.’
‘Yes there will; my refusal in the unlikely event that he should ever ask me. I love Dan and he has taught me a lot about being a woman, but I will never marry him. Ultimately he needs to have a family, and that I can never give him. I intend to stay with him until after my operation, so we can both enjoy the benefits of my new vagina for a few weeks, but then I will gently let him go, and eventually die an old maid.’
‘At times you are so calculating Denise.’
‘Perhaps, but, if I am, it is not just for my own sake. After all, my letting your cousin go was the best thing that I could possibly have done for him and my sister, as we will see later this afternoon. But what about you and Jo? Although you may not be able to get married, you would be able to have a Civil Partnership.’
‘I don’t think that is very likely either. Jo is great fun to be with, and the sex has been wonderful, but you can’t have two dominant characters in a successful lesbian relationship. She was attracted to me because of my girly looks, but there will soon come a time when she will realise that she is really looking for is a little lady to stay at home and look after her, and I am afraid that isn’t my scene.’
‘I am sorry to hear that, I thought you were getting on fine,’ commented Denise.
Sam shrugged.
‘In any event, Jo wants to do a Masters’ Degree at Liverpool University in September, and there is no way that I am leaving London, particularly as Jane is about to have another baby. It will just be one of those college romances that was good whilst it lasted but came to a natural end when we both graduated.’
Sam seemed sad at the prospect and so Denise hugged her, frightened that her friend might start to cry and spoil her eye makeup.
‘Sam, you are such a lovely person that I am sure you will find someone to share your life.’
Samantha pulled away, anxious to change the subject. She hated it when Denise was so affectionate towards her.
‘By the way, when will you have your operation?’ she asked.
‘It will be in just over a month’s time, soon after my twenty-first birthday.’
‘Any second thoughts?’ she asked.
‘Good heavens no! Becoming Denise has been the most important thing I have ever done, for my sanity and well-being. I would have had the operation last year but Doctor Spencer wanted to assess the results of the hormone therapy first, and in any event, I was not able to afford it, at the time.’
‘Well in that case I hope it goes well and that you achieve what you are looking for in life.’
‘Thanks, and I will always be glad to have you as my special friend.
Denise now checked her friend’s outfit and makeup.
‘You do look lovely, Sam, if I were a man I would really fancy you,’ said Denise.
‘If I were a man, I would fancy you too,’ she replied.
The two bridesmaids hugged one another again and then went to the room next door to help the bride to get herself ready.
Three years later Helen Armstrong helped her young business partner into her wedding dress and to put on the veil. Helen was conscious that she owed the young woman standing before her a considerable debt. It had been largely through her talents and enterprise that the small business she had run for so many years had grown to be one of the major British fashion wholesalers in just five years. Inviting her to a become a partner had been the most astute thing she had ever done, and had secured her own future financial prosperity. Now that her partner had decided to settle down and wed, Helen had called in a few favours to ensure that she was able to borrow the most beautiful designer wedding dress imaginable. It was a slim line, strapless gown in ivory gossamer silk chiffon, gathered under her bust and with a long, loose skirt. There was a sweetheart neckline, which showed off her white breasts to good advantage, together with a beaded motif which accented her already slim waist.
‘My goodness Denise you look absolutely stunning as a bride,’ said Sue, as Helen finally finished her work, and the three of them stood before the full-length mirror.
Denise smiled.
‘Thank you. You looked pretty good yourself on your wedding day, as I remember,’ she answered, but pleased with the compliment nevertheless.
‘That maybe so, but your dress is so gorgeous, and it suits you so well.’
‘I have Helen to thank for that. I have learned an awful lot about fashions over the last few years but I have never developed the eye she has for what clothes will look good on someone and flatter her figure.’
‘That will come in time Denise, but I have to say I agree with Sue, you do look truly radiant.’
Denise blushed with pleasure knowing that it was not just an empty compliment but the opinion of an expert.
‘That was the one thing I insisted upon when Sam asked me whether I would be willing to enter into a Civil Partnership with her. I told her that I would do so on condition that I got to wear a wedding dress at the ceremony,’ she said laughing. ‘I tried to persuade her to wear a wedding dress as well, but she said she did not want to compete with me.
Denise had decided not to have any bridesmaids as it was not going to be a large church ceremony, just the registration of a Civil Partnership in the local Registry Office. Instead she had invited Sue to act as her matron of honour. The choice was perhaps inevitable as her own sister was eight and a half months pregnant and not in a position to undertake any role other than spectator, and Alison and her family now lived overseas. Her friend Jane would be looking after her sister and ensuring that she made it to the registry office on time. Sue no longer worked for Helen and Denise’s business, she and her husband now ran a successful business of their own, but she was one of the freelance photographers most frequently used by them.
‘So what is Samantha going to wear for the ceremony?’ asked Sue.
‘I am not sure. I just hope she hasn’t chosen something too mannish, it won’t suit her,’ said Denise anxiously.
‘I don’t think you need to worry,’ said Sue. ‘Jane won’t allow her sister to commit any really serious fashion crime.’
‘We agreed that we would both make our own arrangements and not meet again after we completed the legal formalities yesterday, until the ceremony itself, but I am now worried that I might tower over her with these shoes,’ she said pointing to the ivory coloured high heels she was wearing.
‘Now don’t worry, you will both be fine, I am sure,’ said Sue trying to calm the nerves of her friend.
She looked for another subject to take Denise’s mind off the forthcoming ceremony,
‘So who will be wearing the trousers in your household?’ she asked.
‘What Sam chooses to wear will be up to her, I tend to prefer wearing dresses myself, but I assure you it will be a partnership of equals. We are both now earning good salaries, and we will do equal shares of the housework.’
‘Where are you planning to live?’ asked Helen
‘We will stay where we are for the time being, but Sam’s father is giving us the deposit for a house as a wedding present. We are looking at a place that is currently being built in Croydon.’
‘He did the same for Jane and Peter, when they got married. You are both very lucky’ said Sue.
‘But what do your mother, and your sister, think of you settling down to live with Sam,’ asked Helen.
‘They are probably relieved that I am now settling down. I did rather play the field and went through quite lot of men after I had my operation, before I came to my senses and realised that it was Sam who I really felt most comfortable with. She has always been there for me, even when I was being bitchy when I started taking the hormones, or promiscuous after my operation. I suspect my mother probably now wonders why I spent so much money on having a vagina, when I have ended up sleeping with a woman, but having sex with a woman who truly loves you is far more satisfying than with a man who is just wanting short-term gratification. I have no regrets about any thing, I never felt that I was entirely a woman until I had the surgery.’
‘What is a vagina, Aunty Denise?’ said a little voice from the doorway.
A little girl aged about four and a half years and wearing a long ivory dress had come in to the room without anyone noticing. She was admiring herself in one of the full length mirrors in the dressing room.
‘Nothing for you to worry about young lady,’ said Denise picking up her God-daughter and giving her a hug. ‘You look very pretty today, Alice, just like a princess.’
The little girl beamed at the compliment.
‘Mummy says that the guests are all seated and that Aunty Sam is now ready.’
‘In that case we had better go and join her, hadn’t we. Now are you going to hold these flowers for me Alice?’
Denise and Samantha had decided that in their ceremony they would meet in the foyer and then walk down the aisle together. As Denise entered from a side door she was suddenly engulfed with a vision of loveliness. Samantha was wearing her own designer dress, matching heels and with immaculate hair and makeup. The two dresses were of different designs but exactly complemented one another. There was a gasp of admiration from both the spectators and from the two brides as they caught sight of one another for the first time.
‘Sam you look absolutely beautiful,’ said Denise, squealing with delight. ‘I am so glad you decided to wear a dress.’
‘I think I would say the same about you,’ answered Samantha, blushing with pleasure.
‘The main thing is that they look wonderful as a pair,’ commented Jane
‘Helen, this looks like your doing,’ said Denise.
‘Perhaps, but with a little bit of help from Jane and Sue, she replied. ‘We could not let the opportunity of photographing our two best models together go to waste, now could we?’
The two brides walked down the aisle, arm in arm, to make their vows and exchange rings. They were followed by the two friends who had first brought them together, and a little girl with a basket to hold their flowers. However, there was no-one in the congregation more proud than Samantha’s father and Denise’s mother, as they stood next to one another in the front row.
(Next time That’s it, I am afraid, but I hope to start posting another story soon after Christmas)
Thanks to everyone for the comments (good and bad), corrections and kudos. If anyone now wants to comment on the story as a whole — please do so. Comments are a great encouragement to continue writing.
Louise.
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Ballroom dancing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realise just how important it would become in shaping my future, until I had to take the place of one of my bosses following an accident.
Dancing Queen A novel by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
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Ballroom dancing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realise just how important it would become in shaping my future, until I had to take the place of one of my bosses following an accident.
Dancing Queen A novel by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Ballroom dancing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. My parents were keen amateur competitive dancers before I was born and some of my earliest memories are of seeing them dancing together in competitions, or else admiring the cups and medals that they had won over the years. There have always been a number of framed photographs around the house of them dancing together. My father looked most elegant in a dark evening suit and my mother dressed in one of her beautiful ball gowns. I was their only child and a relatively late addition to their lives, and so, inevitably, I spent quite a lot of time in the company of my parents or other adults. In most respects I had a secure and happy early childhood growing up in the town of Luton, which is about thirty miles to the north of London.
However, things changed when I was only six years old. My dad died suddenly in 1996 when he was only fifty-one, which came as a great shock to both my mother and to myself. The unexpectedness of his death had consequences for us both. I developed a slight stammer which further impaired my ability to communicate and make friends with other children. My mother, who found herself a widow in her late forties, embarked on a period of profound sadness, bordering on depression. She continued to go to work and looked after me properly but could never face the idea of finding a new partner and so gave up competitive dancing altogether. Our house with all its memorabilia of her happier past now became a far sadder place.
Although she had retired from competitive dancing, Mum never lost her love of the pastime, and in later years, encouraged me to take it up myself and taught me the basic steps at home. She also used to let me stay up with her to watch a television programme called Come Dancing. I remember that this was the one time in the week that she seemed to be truly happy once again, reliving her past and telling me stories about the competitions that she and my father had entered and frequently won. When that programme was dropped from the television schedules at the end of 1998, she felt particularly bereft as it had been broadcast for as long as she could remember. She felt as if an important part of her past life was no more. Her dance costumes were consigned to a trunk in the attic, and thereafter the only dancer in our household was me.
I persevered with my dance classes as it was my one opportunity to meet members of the opposite sex and I found my stammer would disappear whilst I was concentrating on the dance steps. There were always far more girls than boys at the classes I attended, and so I was in constant demand as a dance partner, which I didn’t mind. I never said too much about my hobby at school, though, in case I was accused of being a ‘sissy’ by my classmates. When someone did discover about my dancing I would tell them about my Dad, and the fact that no-one ever called him a sissy: that usually did the trick. As a result of my stammer and my interest in ballroom dancing I was accepted by most of my contemporaries as being mildly, but harmlessly, eccentric.
I progressed well as a junior dancer and even entered a few junior competitions in my early teens. At one point I even had thoughts of becoming a professional. However, although my interest never flagged, my progress did. I never developed the physique necessary to be a top-flight dancer. Although I possessed several of the required attributes, such as poise, good posture, musicality and good foot and leg action, male dancers also need good upper body strength to be able to perform lifts and had to be of at least average height so as not to be dwarfed by their partners dancing in their high heels. Neither of these traits was forthcoming to me after puberty. I settled at five foot five, with a fairly slim build, and small hands and feet. Thus I found myself less and less able to compete at the higher levels and all thoughts of a professional career were gradually dropped.
All the same, I continued to enjoy myself and my interest in dance and willingness to help ‘behind-the scenes’ did at least help me to find a reasonable job, which I am sure would not have been forthcoming if I’d merely attended for an interview. A married couple who were two of the keenest members of our local ballroom dancing group jointly owned a small independent estate agency in Dunstable, about five miles from where I lived. Rob was also the chairman of the Luton and District Ballroom Dance Society and a competent dancer in his own right; his wife Sarah was acknowledged to be the best female dancer we had. As nobody else seemed willing to do so, I volunteered to act as the secretary of the group. Apparently Rob and Sarah were so impressed with the way in which I performed this clerical role, whilst I was still only eighteen, that they offered me a trial as their office junior in August 2008 when my story begins. I was then living at home with my mother who had recently retired from work, now aged sixty.
Rob and Sarah’s business was located in Dunstable High Street. It had only three full-time staff in addition to themselves and also a couple of part-timers who helped look after the shop at weekends. Rob and Sarah were both in their early thirties; Helen, who was twenty two, was training to be a negotiator, Richard, our surveyor was aged twenty-six, and then me. Jenny and Sue were both married with teenaged children and so were happy to cover the shop at weekends. I suspect that the other staff may have considered me to be an odd appointment, because having a slight speech impediment did not exactly help when I was trying to communicate with clients in person or over the phone, but there was always plenty of paper work for me to do behind the scenes and I was soon able to demonstrate my usefulness to the business. It was understood, however, that before I would be able to progress to more responsible duties I would need to show that my stammer did not get in the way of me dealing with the clients.
After nearly a decade in the doldrums, Ballroom dancing and its competitive version Dancesport began to grow in popularity in the UK once again during the latter part of the first decade of the new century. This was largely due to the growing success of a new format celebrity version of the Come Dancing, TV show called Strictly Come Dancing which was introduced in 2005. (The title was in partial reference to the dance-based comedy film Strictly Ballroom, which both of my parents had loved, and which my mother often watched on DVD.) As a result of the success of Strictly Come Dancing, which went out at a prime time, many couples who had never thought about dancing before began to take up the hobby and join local clubs. Thus my skills as an organiser, amateur choreographer and dance coach began to be in great demand,
Towards the end of September 2008 our society was busy organising a series of six fortnightly exhibition/demonstration and training sessions scheduled to begin on 25th September and continue until 5th December where some of our best dancers would show off the most common traditional ballroom and Latin American dances to our new members and also those from neighbouring clubs in the region who wished to attend. Much of the Society’s income for the year came from the profits made from these demonstration sessions, which were usually well-attended. We would begin with the Waltz, and Foxtrot, and then move on to faster, showier dances such as the Quickstep and the Jive or else the Latin American styles such as the Samba and the Tango. On the night in question I was going through an ambitious Salsa routine that I’d recently designed for my two bosses, Rob and Sarah.
‘Now get ready Rob; and one and two and three,’ I said, keeping in time with the music, with the couple following me.
‘Now l-l-lift.’
The sudden re-appearance of my stammer, threw us all and Rob hesitated for a split second before executing the lift.
‘Be careful Rob,’ Sarah said in an alarmed voice as he lost his footing and began to stagger backwards.
Her warning came too late and he fell over backwards with his wife landing on top of him.
‘Are you alright Rob?’ I asked as he lay on the floor, winded.
‘Don’t worry about me!’ said Sarah in an aggrieved voice, trying to pick herself up.
‘I’m s-s-s-sorry, Sarah, it was my fault. Are you ok?’ I said giving her a hand to get up.
‘No! I think I’ve twisted my ankle.’
I helped them both off the floor and then to sit down for a minute to recover. I also took off Sarah’s right shoe for her, at her request. Five minutes later Rob had recovered his wind.
‘Oh my God, just look at my ankle! It’s beginning to swell up like a balloon,’ said Sarah.
‘I think we’d better get you to the hospital to have that checked out,’ said Rob.
Two hours later I was sitting in the waiting room at the of the Accident and Emergency Unit of the Luton and Dunstable Hospital getting bored with reading mindless articles in out of date copies of 'Homes and Gardens' and 'Country Life', or else listening to the local drunks bemoaning the fact that they were being kept waiting for treatment for problems that they’d brought upon themselves. Eventually Rob re-appeared from the treatment area.
‘H-h-how is she?’ I asked.
‘Not so good, I’m afraid. She must have landed badly. She has ruptured her Achilles tendon.’
‘What’s that?’ I asked.
‘It attaches the calf muscles to the heel bone.’
‘Is that s-s-serious?’ I asked.
‘It can be for a dancer. Her leg will have to be in a plaster cast for eight to ten weeks and it will be three months before she’s allowed to dance again.’
‘But … wha-what about next Saturday afternoon?’ I asked.
‘I’ll just have to find myself another partner.’
There was nothing more I could do, so I passed on my good wishes to the patient and made my way home whilst there were still some buses running. Fortunately Mum was away for a few days, visiting her sister in London and so she had no need to worry about my late arrival. On the way home I began to think about what we were going to do without Sarah over the next few weeks. She was scheduled to take a leading role in virtually all of our forthcoming demonstrations, yet now she was going to be out of action. It was going to be no easy task to find suitable replacements from among our members, and would certainly involve the redesign and simplification of a number of the dance routines that I’d prepared as we would no longer have four couples available. I decided to suggest to Rob that we should organise an emergency committee meeting after the first demonstration on Saturday, in order to discuss the problem. There would be time to arrange this as all the members of our Committee were likely to be present. At the same time we were also going to need a lady to step in and dance the Waltz and the Foxtrot in Sarah’s place in less than four days’ time, but that shouldn’t be too much of a problem to arrange since most competent ballroom dancers can perform them in their sleep.
Next time I am asked to help solve a problem.
My apologies that this has been some time in coming. I hope to post Chapter 2 tomorrow and then new chapters weekly thereafter. Thanks to Bronwen for editing. Louise
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Sarah has an unusual request to make
Ballroom dancing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realise just how important it would become in shaping my future, until I had to take the place of one of my bosses following an accident.
Dancing Queen A novel by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Chapter 2 — Filling a temporary gap
Rob telephoned the office the next day to tell the staff what had happened to Sarah and to explain that he would also be late in to work as he had to take her to an out patients appointment at the hospital where she was going to be supplied with a pair of crutches to use over the next few weeks. As soon as he arrived I spoke to him about my suggestion for an emergency committee meeting, and he told me to go ahead and make the necessary arrangements. He also agreed that it would be a good idea for someone to start sounding out possible replacement dancers. However, he had already discussed this with Sarah who would be coming in to work by taxi as soon as her appointment was over. This might be something she could do when she arrived. She eventually made it in to work with the help of her two crutches at about 11.00, just as we were all having a cup of coffee together as there were no clients in the shop.
‘Oh you poor soul,’ said Helen as she got up from her desk to help Sarah through the front door. ‘How are you going to cope with your leg in plaster for the next three months?’
‘With great difficulty; by the looks of things. I think I’m likely to be stuck in the office a lot more than usual, so I shall be relying on your help much more to show clients around.’
‘Yes, of course,’ she replied.
‘I can help as well, if needs be,’ added Richard, our surveyor.’
‘M-M-Me too, if there is anything I can do to help,’ I added.
Sarah looked at Rob, who seemed to be a little anxious.
‘Actually, Mike, there is something you might be able to do for us. We were wondering if we might have a word with you in the back office after you’ve finished your coffee,’ she said.
‘Y-Yes, of course.’
Five minutes later I entered the back office that the two of them shared, although they were rarely in at the same time. Rob began to speak.
‘Mike, Sarah has got a request to make to you, but, before she does so, I want to make it clear that you don’t have to do it, just because you work for us. Whatever you decide will make no difference to how we treat you at work. Personally, I think that she is asking a bit much from you.’
I was about to respond, by asking exactly what she was expecting from me, but before I could do so, Sarah chipped in.
‘No of course he doesn’t have to agree, but I’m hoping he’ll consider my proposal all the same as he loves dancing and is a great supporter of the Society.’
‘Y-You’d better explain what it is you are thinking about,’ I said, painfully aware that she had been injured whilst undertaking a routine that I’d choreographed, and that my hesitation had been a contributory factor in causing the accident.
‘Well, Mike, we’re anxious about who is going to dance with Rob on Saturday afternoon, until we have had a chance to make some more permanent arrangements for my replacement. We were wondering …’ she hesitated for a moment. ‘No … I was wondering, whether you might be willing to take my place and dance the Waltz and the Foxtrot.’
‘B-b-but you mean that I should take your place by dancing - as a girl?’
‘Well, that’s the part I was planning to fill before I damaged my leg. You’re about the same height and build as I am, and so I’m sure my costume would fit you. I could also loan you a wig, and would be able to help you with your hair and makeup on Saturday. The main thing is that you won’t need to learn the dance routines as you choreographed both of them.’
‘S-s-surely there’s someone else who could take your place, the Waltz and the Foxtrot are two of the easiest dances?’
‘They may be easy for beginners but as you know they are not so easy to do well. Rob and I have been discussing possible stand-ins and to be honest I can’t think of anyone other than you who could take my place at three days’ notice.’
I rapidly went through the potential candidates in my mind, and realised that she may have a point.
‘B-B-But Sarah, the girl’s part is quite different from the guy’s. He leads, she follows.’
She sighed as if I was stating the blindingly obvious.
‘Off course I know that, but I’ve seen you take the girl’s part on several occasions when you have been demonstrating to the guys what they need to do.’
I couldn’t deny that.
‘But girls dance in high heels, and I’ve never worn high-heels in my life.’
‘It is only a question of your getting used to wearing them. After a few hours of practice you would be quite used to walking in them.’
‘B-b-but that’s not the same as dancing in them’
‘O.K. so you might need a few more hours of dance practice. What shoe size do you take?’
‘Six.’
That seemed to clinch it.
‘But that’s ideal! You’ll be able to borrow a pair of mine. It’s Wednesday morning now; you would have until Saturday afternoon to get used to wearing them.’
‘B-b-but I couldn’t wear high heels at home and at work, I’d look ridiculous.’
‘You could always say you were doing it as a stunt to raise money for Children in Need.’
‘Th-That’s not until the middle of November.’
‘Look Mike, things seem pretty quiet in the shop at present, will you at least come home with me at lunchtime to see how you would get on wearing my costume. If you look ridiculous, I promise I’ll forget about the whole idea. If, as I suspect, you will look pretty good, then we can discuss the logistical problems.’
I looked across at Rob. He shrugged his shoulders.
‘It’s entirely up to you Mike.’
It was a ludicrous idea but I didn’t wish to dismiss Sarah’s suggestion out of hand, especially as I’d been indirectly involved in her accident. I was fairly confident that it would be a non-starter but at the same time, the idea of dancing a demonstration match once again did have a certain attraction for me.
‘Alright I’ll come back to your house with you this afternoon, but that is all I am promising to do.’
‘Great, if you arrange to finish what you’ve been doing by lunchtime, Rob can drive us both to our house.’
‘This is between you and Sarah, Mike. I’m not getting involved, but I promise not to tell the others what you will be doing this afternoon,’ Rob said as he left us to go and meet a client.
It was quite a rigmarole for Sarah to get in and out of the back seat of their car; her leg was in a plaster cast from below her ankle to her thigh and so she had to sit with her leg stretched across both seats. Once we got to her house we found that the stairs were also going to be a problem, but at last she managed going backwards, one stair at a time on her bottom. I did my best not to laugh at her but didn’t succeed. I then felt really guilty. She directed me towards their spare bedroom.
‘First of all, Mike, I’d like you to strip down to your underpants, I need to have a look at your arms and legs.’
My limbs and armpits weren’t particularly hairy, but this wasn’t good enough for Sarah, she insisted that I used a depilatory cream to remove all traces. Whilst I was waiting for it to take effect, she returned with a pair of lace panties, a bra, a camisole top, a pair of tights and two nylon stockings with the feet filled with rice and tied off to make imitation breasts..
‘Once you have showered, will you be able to put on these by yourself whilst I sort out your dress and find some shoes?’ she asked.
‘I g-g-guess so.’
‘OK, I’ll be back in a few minutes.’
I managed to dress myself reasonably well in the underclothes, and had inserted the makeshift breast forms and adjusted the bra by the time Sarah returned carrying the dress and a pair of shoes.
‘This is a dress that I used to dance in but I now use to practice, it should be suitable for the coming weekend,’ she said.
‘It looks nice,’ I replied.
I’d been a little anxious about what she might expect me to wear, as some of Sarah’s costumes were skimpy, bordering on the downright provocative, but clearly she didn’t wish to frighten me off. It was a fairly conservative looking plain full length dress in powder blue viscose, but with the sleeves, shoulders and neck encased in a fine tulle-netting. It looked feminine but without being too flashy. Although the viscose dress had a low bust line the tulle netting would successfully disguise the fact that I was wearing falsies.
‘I’ve found you some black leather shoes with only a 2 ½ inch heel and an ankle strap, since you’re not used to wearing them.
Although the heels were only 2 ½ inches, I noticed that they were almost stilettos and so I would have to learn how to walk and dance on my toes.
‘Before you put them on, let’s see what we can do with my wig and a little make-up.’
‘Go on then.’
It was quite remarkable what Sarah was able to achieve over the next hour using her wig, a fair amount of make-up on my face and some cheap jewellery. The wig was first secured by pins then pulled back into a ponytail and then twisted into a bun as it was important to keep the long hair out of my face whilst I was dancing. I’d never had cause to wear female clothing before but I had to admit to myself that it was a pleasurable sensation, especially when I put on the dress. By four o’clock I was fully dressed and made up and looking at myself in the bedroom mirror.
‘Wow!’ was the only thing I could think to say. ‘Is that really me?’
‘We’re going to have to do something about your finger nails in time for Saturday, but otherwise I think you look pretty convincing, don’t you?’
‘I guess so,’ I replied, still feeling in a state of shock and not quite sure what to think.
Rob re-appeared soon afterwards, having been instructed by Sarah twenty minutes before to leave work early and come round to give us his opinion.
‘See! I told you so!’ said Sarah as he entered. ‘So what do you think?’
‘I think he looks stunning,’ he replied in a slightly surprised sounding voice, ‘but will he be able to dance when he’s dressed like that.’
‘That’s what we now need to find out,’ she replied.
‘What time do you need to get home tonight Mike?’ asked Rob.
‘It doesn’t really matter as my mother is staying in London until the weekend.’
‘Great, in that case we’ll book a practice session at the dance studio, and then we’ll all go out for a meal afterwards.’
‘I’ll find one of my winter coats for you to wear, and a handbag, as well,’ added Sarah, eagerly.
‘Alright,’ I said, not sure what I thought about the idea of going out for the evening dressed as a young woman.
One thing I had noticed though was that I hadn’t stammered once since the beginning of my transformation earlier in the afternoon.
Next time: A change of plan and some introductions.
Chapter 3 will be posted next weekend, Louise
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Learning to dance and work as Michelle
Ballroom dancing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realise just how important it would become in shaping my future, until I had to take the place of one of my bosses following an accident.
Dancing Queen A novel by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
My first experience of dancing the woman’s part, whilst wearing a woman’s costume and shoes was not the total disaster that I’d predicted, but neither was it a complete success. We began by dancing to ‘Lara’s theme’ from the film Dr Zhivago,which is in ¾ time and so is an ideal tune for demonstrating the Slow Waltz. There were a couple of awkward slips on my part at first as I was unused to wearing heels, and to starting with my left leg, but once I got used to the new position I was alright. We were soon able to achieve the graceful rise and fall which characterizes the dance; in fact there were several times when we seemed to float round the dance floor in a most graceful and elegant way. In a number of respects the female dancer’s role is more challenging than that of her partner. She often has to take more steps to keep up with her partner and spends a greater proportion of the time going backwards. She tends to be the centre of attraction for the spectators and so has to give more thought to the costume she is wearing which will inevitably be more elaborate and cumbersome than her partner’s. Above all, she needs to be able to trust her partner and allow herself to be guided around the dance floor. This was all a new experience for me, but when it was going well, it was also an enjoyable one.
After an hour we moved on to the Foxtrot, another elegant and sophisticated dance which is similar to the Waltz but in 4/4 time. We danced to ‘Fly me to the moon’by Frank Sinatra. Once again I had to concentrate hard to ensure that I began by stepping backward with my right foot rather than stepping forward with my left, as I would normally have done. On this occasion, I made only one relatively small blunder and Rob was able to cover up for me. It was just as well though that the two dances that we would be demonstrating on Saturday were fairly sedate, and not taxing in terms of technique: it would have been a different matter if we had been due to dance the Quickstep or one of the faster Latin American dances. Thus by the end of a two hour session I realised that, with a little more practice, I would probably be alright. However, I knew from experience that individual dancers are not always the best judges of their own performance. I wanted to see what others thought before passing comment.
‘That’s enough for now. Let’s go and get something to eat so we can discuss how you both got on,’ suggested Sarah, who had been sitting at the side-lines, resting her injured leg.
‘Alright but please can we have a take away meal at your house instead? I don’t feel like going out to a restaurant dressed like this,’ I replied.
Sarah offered to loan me something of hers to change into, but I protested that my feet were aching. Rob stepped in and agreed with my suggestion so we stopped off for a takeaway and went back to their place where I was able to change into my own clothes once again.
‘So what did you think of our performance tonight, Sarah?’ Rob asked.
‘Apart from those few slips you were both pretty good. Of course you’ve stripped out some of those fancy arc-turns and the final spin that Mike had put in for me, but I honestly don’t think there is any other couple in the group who would be better placed to take the lead role in the demonstration.’
‘Yes I suppose it was a little bit on the dull side, but I guess we were playing safe. What did you think, Mike?’
‘M-M-Most of the time it was alright, but it is supposed to be an exhibition dance, after all. We need to get the series off to a good start on Saturday and I would still be frightened about letting everyone down.’
‘Perhaps if we could pair Mike up with Alan to take the lead since he’s a better dancer than me and would be better placed to cover up any slips that Mike might make?’ suggested Rob.
Sarah thought for a moment.
‘Yes, that might be a good idea. You could then dance with Sonia, as she’s now much improved,’ said Sarah to her husband, ignoring any reservations I might have had about taking part.
Alan was, without doubt, the best male dancer in our group, but didn’t have a permanent female dance partner. This was probably because he was quite open about being in a gay relationship, and so he wasn’t seen as a particularly ‘good catch’ for any of the unattached young women. Instead he tended to be paired up with any novice dancers who were showing promise, as he was so good at bringing them on.
‘I’ll speak him in the morning, and explain the situation and see what he thinks. That is if Mike is still willing to go ahead with your plan.’
‘What do you think Mike?’ asked Sarah.
‘Are you s-s-sure there’s no-one else who could take your place?’
She shook her head.
‘Quite sure; I can think of no-one who would be able to take over at such short notice. But it’ll only be for this one session. Otherwise we’ll have to cancel the show, and that’ll get the whole series off to a really bad start.’
‘I would like to help on Saturday but I’m still anxious about tripping over in those heels.’
‘You said that your mother was away until the weekend. Why not stay with us for tonight and I’ll find something of mine for you to wear in to work tomorrow, so you can spend some more time getting used to the shoes,’ she said.
‘You want me to go into work tomorrow dressed as a woman?’
‘Things are pretty quiet at the moment and you could keep out of the public eye. Rob can explain what is happening to Helen and Richard. I’m sure that they would both understand that you were doing this for my sake.’
‘I’m not so sure,’ I replied.
I looked at Rob, but he seemed to wish to avoid becoming involved in this conversation, but I needed an ally.
‘Wh-what do you think, Rob?’ I asked.
‘Why not stay the night anyway and think about things and then decide what you want to do tomorrow morning. I promise we won’t attempt to force you to do anything against your will.’
It was now nearly eleven o’clock and too late for me to get a bus home. We’d also shared a bottle of wine with our meal, so I didn’t feel that I could ask Rob to drive me home. I suppose I could have ordered a cab but a five mile taxi ride was quite an extravagance for a nineteen year old office junior.
‘Alright then, I’ll st-stay.’
‘Good, I’ll find you a toothbrush and a pair of pyjamas to wear,’ said Sarah.
The following morning, Sarah limped into the spare bedroom at seven-thirty carrying a dark grey suit of hers and a pink blouse.
‘Here you are Mike, she said laying them on the foot of the bed and then leaving before I could answer.
She returned a minute or so later carrying a pair of black patent leather court shoes with three inch heels.
‘If you wouldn’t mind wearing the same underclothes and tights that you wore last night, just for today, we can stop off on the way in to work and get you some new ones for tomorrow and Saturday.’
Tomorrow and Saturday?,’ I thought. ‘Who has said anything about tomorrow and Saturday?’
‘Y-y you are taking it for granted that I’m going to agree with your plan, Sarah?’
Sarah put down the shoes, then shut the bedroom door and proceeded to hang the clothes on a hook. She’d chosen her moment carefully, since Rob, who was normally a restraining influence on her schemes, was occupied in the shower.
‘Come on, Mike, I saw your expression as you were dancing last night. When it was going well you looked as if you were really enjoying yourself.’
‘M-m-maybe I was; when it was going well, but there were also those two or three slips.’
‘Exactly, they need to be ironed out. That is why you are going to need as much practice wearing the high heels as possible before Saturday afternoon. If you put on these clothes for today, I’ll pack my long dress and dance shoes for you to change into so we’ll be able to go straight on to the dance studio after work. It is for the sake of the Society, after all.’
She said it in such a pleading manner, and Rob was unable to take my side at that moment, so I found it difficult to resist — especially as I’d been at least a contributory factor in her accident. On the other hand, I had to admit to myself that she did have a point; it had been good fun to be dancing again. Fortunately Mum was away and so I would not have to make any explanations to her.
‘Alright; but either you or Rob will need to explain to the others before I get in to work, and you are going to have to help me to get myself ready.’
Sarah gave me such a nice smile.
‘Yes, of course. As soon as Rob is finished, please get yourself showered and dressed and I’ll fix your wig and makeup for you.’
By the time we came to leave, Sarah had presented me with various items of makeup that she thought I might need during the course of the day, together with a hairbrush, grips, a small packet of tissues and a spare key to their house. All of these were put into an old, but smart looking handbag which she said I could keep for the duration of my stay. She and I were half an hour late arriving at work as Rob had dropped us off at ‘New Look’ in the Broadwalk to enable her to buy some more underclothes for me to wear. I remained a step or two behind her and let her make the decisions about what I would be wearing, but since she was willing to pay for them I couldn’t really object. By the time we arrived at work, Rob had already explained to Helen and Richard why I would be coming to work wearing a skirt and jacket, a blouse and a pair of high-heeled court shoes.
‘Wow, Mike! From what Rob had said I was half expecting to see a drag queen this morning, but you actually look pretty good dressed as a girl,’ said Helen in a surprised voice, as I entered.
‘Thank you,’ I said, blushing a little.
I went over to my desk, smoothed my skirt and sat down. Richard just looked across at me with an open mouth.
‘So is that agreed then, our colleague will be known as Michelle Williams for the rest of today and tomorrow, just in case any clients should come into the office?’ said Sarah.
‘That’s fine by me,’ said Helen, ‘Welcome to the office, Michelle.’
‘As long as Michelle doesn’t mind,’ said Richard, having found his voice at last.
‘I don’t think I’ve much choice, dressed the way I am,’ I answered.
The telephone rang, which Helen answered, and then both Rob and Richard had to go out to see different clients. I turned on my computer and the normal work of the office began.
Next time: Making a new friend and acquiring a new partner.
Thanks to Bronwen for editing and to everyone else for comments and kudos which are always appreciated. The next chapter will be published on 10 November. Louise
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Invitations to lunch and to dance
Ballroom dancing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realise just how important it would become in shaping my future, until I had to take the place of one of my bosses following an accident.
Dancing Queen A novel by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
I kept my head down at the word processor doing my usual work for most of the morning, letting Helen or Sarah deal with any clients who came through the door. However, at one point Sarah did ask me to take several packages to the Post Office for her. The prospect of going out on my own, dressed as a girl was not particularly appealing, but I couldn’t very well refuse as this was part of my normal duties and she was clearly unable to manage them herself. In the event the little trip turned out to be less nerve wracking than I imagined. The people I passed in the street and the woman who served me all appeared to accept me at face value and so I began to relax a little more and no longer assumed that everyone I passed would be able to see through my disguise.
By the time I got back Rob had returned to the office.
‘So, Michelle, how did you get on with your little venture outside?’ he asked.
‘Alright I suppose, I’m gradually getting a little more used to walking in these high-heeled shoes.’
‘Good, that was one of the objects of the exercise,’ commented Sarah. Then, turning to her husband, she asked, ‘Rob, have you spoken to Alan yet?’
‘Yes, he thinks it is a totally crazy idea and he also complained that he is always expected to dance with novice partners.’
‘So what did you say to him?’
‘That ‘Michelle’ was a competent dancer who already knew the dances and in any event it was only for this one occasion.’
‘So has he agreed to co-operate?’
‘Not exactly; he’s reserving judgment but has at least he agreed to meet us all at the Dance Studio at 6.15 this evening.’
‘In that case, young lady, you will have to do your best to impress him this evening,’ said Sarah to me.
I didn’t reply, but noticed that Helen had looked up from her work and was smiling at me.
‘I suppose I’ve gone so far with this idiotic plan that I can’t easily back out now,’ I murmured.
‘Of course you can, if you wish, but I hope you will at least give it a try this evening,’ said Sarah.
I didn’t reply as I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to back out or not.
Somewhat to my surprise, Helen asked me if I wanted to join her for lunch; something she’d never done before during the six months or so that we’d worked together. Presumably she hadn’t wished to give Mike the wrong idea by appearing too friendly, whereas she didn’t think it would be an issue for her to have lunch with Michelle. I agreed and we went to a sandwich bar nearby.
‘So how does it feel to have become one of us, Michelle?’ she asked, when she was sure that we were out of earshot of anyone else.
‘One of us?’ I asked being deliberately obtuse.
‘I mean a member of the opposite sex. I think you’ve managed very well so far today.’
‘Thanks. I still find these clothes and the long hair a little strange,’ I replied, ‘but I’m gradually getting used to them.’
‘I don’t think you are in much danger of giving yourself away just by your looks alone, but you’ll need to be careful with your gestures and the way you walk and present yourself. Be aware about what you do with your hands as your fingernails are a little bit short, and make sure you keep your knees together when you are sitting.’
‘There seems to be so much that I need to worry about but I suppose it is only for the rest of today and perhaps tomorrow. I’m glad that I don’t actually live in Dunstable, and so I’m not likely to bump into anyone who knows me.’
‘By the way, what has happened to your stammer?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I don’t think I’ve heard you stammer once this morning.’
‘Most of the time I’m hardly aware that I am doing it. Maybe it is because my mind is concentrating on other things.’
‘Aren’t you a little bit worried about this demonstration dance that you’re due to give on Saturday afternoon then?’
‘It’s still not certain that I shall be dancing; it’ll be up to my dance partner to decide, but if we do go ahead they are two relatively straightforward dances.’
‘How will I know whether you are going to be dancing or not?’ she asked.
‘If I come in to work tomorrow dressed as Michelle rather than Mike then I think you can safely assume that I’ll be dancing on Saturday.’
‘In that case I hope to see Michelle again tomorrow.’
I smiled, not sure what I felt about the matter.
‘Unfortunately I’m due to work on Saturday, so I won’t get to see you dance.
‘I expect that someone will take some photographs.’
‘If the demonstration does go ahead will you have to wear one of those long flowing dresses?’
‘Yes, I shall be borrowing one from Sarah.’
‘I wish I could see you wearing a long dress,’ she said.
‘Rob will be bringing it in for me to change into after work this afternoon, so we can go straight on to the dance studio where I’ll meet my partner.’
‘In that case, I’ll have to stay on for a while after the office has closed.’
Rob arrived back from his appointment just as we were about to close the shop. He was carrying the dress in a cellophane wrapper.
Sarah and Helen took me to the back office and helped me to get changed.
‘Wow, you look lovely, Michelle,’ said Helen
Then turning to Sarah she asked, ‘Is there anything I can do to help?’
‘You could put some lacquer on her finger nails, whilst I do her hair and makeup,’ said Sarah.
I couldn’t help noticing Sarah’s use of the female form of the personal pronoun, but wasn’t sure whether it was deliberate or not. However, given the way in which I was dressed and had spent my day, I didn’t feel able to make an issue out of it.
‘You nails are rather short. I have some stick-on nail tips at home, which you would be welcome to use on Saturday,’ Helen commented as she painted my nails.
‘Great, bring them in to work with you tomorrow,’ said Sarah without even consulting me.
‘You are rather assuming that this will be going ahead,’ I said.
‘I wouldn’t have gone to this much trouble if I thought the idea would be a non-starter,’ said Sarah.
‘Well, let’s hope Alan is of the same opinion when we meet up with him,’ I replied.
‘May I just remind you ladies that I am parked on a double yellow line outside,’ called Rob from outside the door.
‘Don’t worry, we’re almost done, and most of the traffic wardens will have gone off duty by this time,’ said Sarah.
A few minutes later the three of us emerged and Rob began to help his wife into the back seat.
‘Good luck tonight, Michelle, you look lovely in that dress and I’m looking forward to meeting you again tomorrow,’ said Helen giving me a quick kiss on the cheek.
‘Thanks for all your help,’ I replied.
Rob then proceeded to help me get into the front seat without creasing my dress.
We arrived at the Dance Studio about ten minutes before we were due, so I’d taken off the coat that I’d borrowed from Sarah and had just brushed my hair when Alan arrived, looking smart in his black suit. He was in his late-twenties, fair haired tall and muscular looking. He would have been a popular partner for several of the ladies, if it were not for the fact that he was known to be gay.
‘Wow, Mike, you certainly look the part,’ he said on first catching sight of me.
I blushed slightly.
‘Alan, let me introduce you to Michelle, who I hope will be your dance partner on Saturday afternoon,’ said Rob.
He smiled and took my hand.
‘In that case, Michelle, let us now see how we get on dancing together.’
Rob was a competent amateur ballroom dancer but he was not in the same league as Alan who had an innate sense of musicality and could successfully translate this into movement. He was both strong and yet nimble on his feet, which are attributes that aren’t often found in the same person. From the first moment I allowed myself to be guided round the floor by him we moved together almost as one. I forgot all about my heels or my dress and just followed his lead. We had not been dancing for ten minutes before I was sure that I wanted to be his partner and that together we could lead a creditable demonstration. We then switched from the Waltz to the Foxtrot, and once again it was a new and pleasurable experience to be in the arms of such an expert dancer as we glided round the floor.
At the end of a typical set of dances it is usual for the male dancer either to thank his partner, or else to give her a friendly hug or kiss on the cheek if they were particularly friendly or related to one another.
‘Wow, you really can dance,’ said Rob to me with a degree of surprise in his voice. ‘Thank you very much.’
He gave me a little formal bow by way of acknowledgment.
‘You are most welcome,’ I said smiling and executing a small curtsey in return whilst thinking to myself, ’and so can you.’
‘So what do you think?’ asked Rob as Alan led me off the dance floor.
‘If you can clear things with Sonia, I should be happy to take your place and dance with Michelle on Saturday.’
‘How about you, Michelle?’ asked Sarah. ‘How do you feel about the idea, now?’
I suspect that she was quite confident of my answer or else she would never have asked the question.
‘I think we could make a pretty good team,’ I replied, trying my best not to show too much enthusiasm. ‘So if you’re willing to continue to house and clothe me until Saturday, I guess I’ll do it.’
‘It’s a deal,’ said Sarah, smiling.
Rob looked relieved and left us to go and telephone Sonia and explain the new arrangements to her. He doubted if there would be a problem for the coming weekend. Sonia knew that she was not yet competent enough to be one of the lead couple, but would be pleased to be one of the supporters and also partnered by the chairman of the society.
‘Those two routines are just a little bit dull; now that we both know that the other one can dance I don’t suppose we could try and spice them up a little, to give the spectators their money’s worth?’ suggested Alan.
‘I originally intended to put in a couple of arc-turns and a free spin at the end of the Waltz and some triple steps and a twist turn for the woman in the Foxtrot, but we took them out after Sarah hurt her leg as they are not strictly necessary,’ I said.
‘How would you feel about re-instating them?’ he asked.
‘We could give it a try, if you want.’
‘In that case, let’s see what we can do,’ he said leading me back on to the dance floor.
Next time: Preparations for a demonstration.
Thanks to Bronwen for editing and to everyone else for comments and kudos which are always appreciated. The next chapter should be published on 16 November. Louise
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The day before my public demonstration
Ballroom dancing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realise just how important it would become in shaping my future, until I had to take the place of one of my bosses following an accident.
Dancing Queen A novel by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
By the end of Thursday night Alan and I had pretty much got our demonstration routine sorted, although, of course, we would also need a final run through on the Saturday morning with the three other couples involved. Sarah, who had remained with us to watch, whilst Rob went to talk to his new partner, also expressed her approval.
‘See, Michelle, I knew you would be able to do it,’ she said.
‘Well, let us at least get through Saturday without any disaster before you start offering me any congratulations,’ I replied.
‘Unfortunately the Dance Studio is booked for tomorrow evening, but there’s a hall near to us where you two could practice together with a CD-player if you wish to do some more.’
‘What do you think, Alan?’ I asked
‘I think we’re probably good enough, but I’d be happy to come along for an hour or two after work if you wish. Maybe we could also try out one or two other dances as well?’
I suspected that he was right, but the idea of seeing how we got on together with other dances also had its attractions.
‘That sounds alright by me,’ I replied, smiling.
‘I’ll pick you up after work, tomorrow,’ he offered.
‘In that case it might be better if I went to my home tomorrow night to pick up a tracksuit as I don’t want to risk getting this costume dirty before Saturday,’ I suggested to Sarah who was standing with us.
‘No, don’t worry about that, Michelle, I’ll find you something else of mine to wear for tomorrow. I think you’re going to need as much practice as possible dressed as a girl before Saturday,’ she said.
Alan agreed with her and so I accepted their advice.
Thus the following morning, I turned up at work wearing a dress, tights and high heels, once again courtesy of Sarah. Rob had dropped the two of us off outside the office and proceeded to an appointment in Luton. Richard was already out of the office when we arrived.
‘So it is going to be Michelle again today,’ said Helen, smiling, as I went in.
‘Yes, I’m afraid so,’ I replied.
‘Does that mean that you’ll definitely be dancing on Saturday?’ she asked.
‘It looks that way,’
‘Well, young lady, I must say that you do look good again this morning.
‘Thank you, Helen,’ I replied, pleased to receive such a compliment. ‘It’s mainly due to Sarah’s help. I wouldn’t have been able to manage my hair and makeup on my own.’
‘But you are only a beginner, it is only a question of practice,’ added Sarah, as she hobbled over to one of the desks.
‘By the way, Sarah, I’ve brought those nail tips for Michelle to wear, would you mind if I stuck them on for her?’
‘Go on then you two, do it in the back office, whilst Rob is away, but please hurry up otherwise he’ll only complain that we’ve been wasting time. I’ll hold the fort for you both in the meanwhile,’ said Sarah smiling.
Half an hour later I had a set of elegant glued on nail tips covered with a fresh layer of nail polish so that they were virtually indistinguishable from my originals.
‘Now that looks a lot better,’ said Helen.
I held out my fingers for Sarah to see.
‘Good, your hands will now look more elegant when you’re dancing tomorrow,’ she said. ‘It is important to get the details right.’
‘Maybe, but I just hope I’ll be able to operate the keyboard in the meanwhile,’ I replied, as I turned on my machine.
Friday morning turned out to be fairly busy at work and at one point I even found myself dealing with a couple of potential clients who wandered into the office, as both Helen and Sarah were occupied on the phones and the two guys were both out of the office. I was a little hesitant at first, conscious of how I was dressed and anxious that my stammer might suddenly return. However, once I realised that the elderly man and woman concerned were not treating me as if I were some kind of freak, I began to relax and adopt a more confident and business-like approach to dealing with their enquiries. I let the woman do the talking and she explained what they were looking for and I told them about several houses in their price range which we had on our books. I listened carefully to what they were looking for and provided them with the printed details of several of the most likely candidates. They promised to look through them and return after the weekend. All in all I found that I’d enjoyed the encounter, and it wasn’t until after they’d left that I realised that my two colleagues had finished their phone calls and had been watching my performance.
Richard returned shortly before one o’clock, followed by Rob soon afterwards, and so Sarah suggested that Helen and I should take our lunch break.
‘Shall we go next door again, Michelle?’ Helen asked.
‘That’s fine by me,’ I replied, pleased to discover that yesterday’s invitation wasn’t a one-off.
‘So what is with the dress today?’ asked Helen as we took our food to sit down. ‘You looked smart enough in that suit that you wore yesterday.’
‘It was Sarah’s suggestion, as I shall be going to dance practice straight after work.’
‘How did you find the new dancing partner?’
‘He’s good; in fact he’s very good indeed. I could almost wish that I could dance with him on a regular basis,’ I said, only half in jest.
‘In that case I’m sorry that I won’t be seeing you dance together tomorrow afternoon.’
‘Sarah has asked Richard to come along with his video camera and film the proceedings, so you still may get to see us dance.’
We then moved on to other topics.
‘I think that Sarah was quite impressed with the way you dealt with the Johnson couple earlier. You were friendly and persuasive and had them eating out of your hand. You even managed to interest them in looking at that property at Houghton Regis that no-one else seems to want.’
‘Persuading them to take away the details of a house is quite a long way from making a sale. However, I’ve been listening to the way that you and Sarah deal with clients recently and have done my best to learn from both of you,’ I replied.
It was nice though to receive a compliment about the way that I did my job and not just about the way I looked.
Nothing unusual happened during the course of Friday afternoon. I did notice though that Richard was gradually getting a little more used to dealing with me as Michelle rather than as Michael, and he was happy to chat during any quiet periods. I may have freaked him a little bit after we’d finished our mid-afternoon coffee, when, at Sarah’s suggestion, I refreshed my lipstick and mascara and dabbed some powder on to my nose whilst sitting at my desk. He didn’t say anything, but the look on his face was a picture. Helen noticed it as well and we exchanged glances and smiled at one another. However, he must have gotten over the shock as at the end of the afternoon he came over to wish me the best of luck for the next day. Helen also stayed behind for a little while after work.
‘Good luck, Michelle. I’ve only known you as a girl for a couple of days, but it has been good fun working with you, and I’ll look forward to seeing the video of you dancing when I come in next week.’
I smiled and thanked her.
Alan brought his partner with him, when he picked me up after work. I assumed that this was his way of demonstrating to both of us that he and I would be dance partners only and nothing else. In some respects this was a relief to me, as I was unsure of my own sexual orientation, especially when I was dressed as Michelle. I only knew that I tended to prefer the company of women in most social situations. Most of my teenage years had been spent in the company of people who enjoyed ballroom dancing which is one of the few areas of life where whether someone is gay or straight is not a particular issue.
Alan’s partner was called David who was a few years older than he was, probably in his early-thirties. He didn’t seem to feel particularly threatened by my presence: no doubt he was quite used to his partner dancing with attractive young women, although I doubted whether they had come across exactly the same situation before.
David had also been a ballroom dancer and so he was able to make several helpful comments as we went through our planned routine together.
‘So what do you think, Dave, will we be good enough tomorrow?’ asked Alan.
‘I should think so. I must say that I’m very impressed with you Michelle, given your background and all the circumstances that I’ve been told about.’
‘Ah, but I can only dance so well because I’ve such a good partner,’ I responded, smiling.
Alan seemed pleased by my comment, and Dave knew enough to realise that it was probably the truth and not mere flattery.
‘I’d better leave you now to go and prepare our evening meal,’ he said. ‘Will you be joining us Michelle?’ he asked.
‘I don’t know,’ I said, surprised to be asked.
‘I can give you a lift home afterwards, if you wish,’ said Alan.
‘All right, but I’d better ring Rob and Sarah to let them know what I’m doing, as I will be staying at their house tonight.’
‘In that case I’ll see you both at about eight fifteen,’ said David and left us.
I explained about the invitation to Sarah, who was quite happy with the change of plan, as it would save her from attempting to prepare a meal. Rob was also going to be out, going through the routine with his new partner, and so she was quite happy to have a ready-made dinner out of the freezer for once.
‘Ok then Michelle, we have just over an hour and a half to spare, how would you feel about trying one or two other dances, such as a Tango or a Quickstep?’ asked Alan.
‘I don’t mind having a go, but please don’t expect me to be as good as for the Waltz or the Foxtrot,’ I replied.
‘From what I’ve seen of your dancing so far you should be fine.’
For the next ninety minutes we embarked on a series of dances without particularly worrying too much about detailed techniques. It was just for the pleasure of being able to dance with one another. As a result we made remarkably few mistakes and I don’t think I remember a time when I have enjoyed ballroom dancing so much, so I was almost sorry when it was time to finish.
Next time: The 'big day' approaches
Thanks to Bronwen for editing and to everyone else for comments and kudos which are always appreciated. The next chapter will be published on 23 November. Louise
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Getting ready for my public demonstration
Ballroom dancing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realise just how important it would become in shaping my future, until I had to take the place of one of my bosses following an accident.
Dancing Queen A novel by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Alan and I discussed our dancing during the dinner with David and it was inevitable that they both wanted to know how I felt about undertaking the woman’s part.
‘It was a bit of a surprise when Sarah first suggested the idea but as long as I don’t make a total fool of myself, I don’t mind.’
‘I don’t think that is likely to happen,’ said David. ‘Both your appearance and presentation as Michelle are quite convincing.’
‘And your dancing is pretty good as well,’ added Alan.
‘Thank you, kind sirs,’ I replied smiling to them both.
‘Taking on the role of Michelle is probably the only way that I would get to dance at more than just the basic level.’
‘I think we make a pretty good team,’ Alan replied.
‘I do too,’ added David.
’Maybe I’ve made the right decision to go ahead on Saturday, but we will have to see,’ I thought to myself.
‘If nothing else, it is going to be an experience that I will never forget, although if things don’t go well, I might wish to do so.’
Alan dropped me off at Rob and Sarah’s house soon after ten thirty. I thanked him for the lift and for the enjoyable evening and let myself in with the key that had been loaned to me. Rob was still out; Sarah was in the lounge resting her leg. She was just finishing a telephone call when I came in.
‘Hi Michelle, how did the practice go tonight?’ she asked.
‘Fine thanks, that guy really knows how to dance,’ I said.
‘Yes, I know. I noticed how well you looked together last night, although I’ve never actually danced with him myself,’ she said.
‘You should try it once you are recovered,’ I replied.
‘One of the problems with being married to your dance partner is that you can never really progress.’
‘I guess so, but Rob is a pretty competent dancer all the same.’
‘Yes, but he’s not in the same league as you and Alan.’
‘Or you, for that matter,’ I replied.
She smiled, but then looked a little sad.
‘Maybe, but every dancer reaches the point where she realises that she has gone as far as she is likely to go and I was beginning to reach that point. Of course I’ll go back to dancing when my leg recovers, but I doubt whether I will ever be quite as good again. On the other hand you, Michelle, seem still to have a long way to go.’
‘Thanks for saying so. It’s ironic, but as Michael I’d given up any idea that I might be a good dancer, but as Michelle I seem able to let myself go more.’
‘In that case I’m pleased that you are getting this opportunity to dance as Michelle tomorrow. Also we’re all really grateful to you for filling in for me.’
‘It was a crazy idea on your part but as it has turned out, I’ve had a good time as Michelle over the last couple of days,’ I admitted.
‘I suspected as much.’
At that moment I felt quite content with my situation.
‘If you ever did get to dance with Alan, I don’t think that Rob would need to worry about the two of you running off together. I get the impression that he is happily settled in a relationship.’
Sarah smiled.
‘Yes, there’s no danger that we would end up sleeping together but it would still seem like a betrayal if I were to tell Rob that I wanted to dance with someone better.’
Sarah thought for a moment and then said something which took me completely by surprise.
‘Yes I’ve known several love affairs ruin a number of good partnerships, but I don’t think you are in any danger, you’re far too feminine for his tastes.’
Sarah must have noticed how startled I looked by her comment as she quickly added a rider.
‘Don’t worry, I would never have thought that about Mike, but it is remarkable how a change of clothes and a wig can alter how you act and how others perceive you.’
I didn’t know what to think about her previous comment, so I frantically looked for a change of subject.
‘We’ll soon have to work out who is going to be filling in for you over the subsequent weeks,’ I said.
‘Yes, that’s what I’ve been discussing on the phone this evening, but let’s cross one bridge at a time. We can sort out all the details at our Committee meeting after your demonstration. Now, are you all set for tomorrow?
‘I’m still a little nervous, which is inevitable, but I believe that we’ve done as much as we can.’
‘I’ve left you some clean underclothes in the spare room, and if you wouldn’t mind wearing the same dress and shoes as today in the morning. We’ll take your dance costume in the car with us so that you can change immediately prior to the demonstration.’
‘I’m in your hands. Just tell me what I need to do.’
‘Have you checked your legs and armpits for any unsightly hair?’
‘Yes, I’m fine, thanks, I did them only two days ago,’ I answered, then added: ‘You’re beginning to sound like my mother.’
Sarah smiled and seemed amused by the idea.
‘It’s a pity that she won’t get to see you dance tomorrow.’
‘Maybe,’ I replied, unsure of what I thought about that idea.
Rob arrived home soon afterwards and confirmed that all was well with his new partner and all the necessary arrangements had been made for the following day.
‘So are you and Alan set for tomorrow as well, Michelle?’
‘I just hope that I don’t make a fool of myself and let you all down tomorrow.’
‘From what I’ve seen of you dancing so far, I don’t think that’s very likely,’ said Rob.
The following morning I showered and dressed myself, and even managed to put on Sarah’s wig and some makeup before joining my hosts for breakfast.
‘Would you mind if we called in at my mother’s house before we go to the hall? I’ll drop off Michael’s dirty clothes and pick up some clean ones so that I’ll be able to change back straight after the demonstration.’
‘Alright, we should have time as I’m not now going to need to do your makeup for you this morning,’ said Sarah.
‘But I might need help with it later on,’ I replied.
‘I’m sure that one of the other ladies present will make sure that your makeup is done properly and in plenty of time for this afternoon.’
Inevitably I was the centre of attention among the four pairs of dancers at our run-through. By this time everyone knew that Alan and I would be taking Sarah and Rob’s places. They were keen to know how we would get on — especially with me dancing a female part. I received some curious looks as I entered the hall, especially from the guys.
‘Don’t worry, once they’ve seen you dance any doubts on their part will soon evaporate,’ said Alan.
‘I hope so,’ I said, beginning to wonder whether I’d made the biggest mistake of my life.
I was quite pleased when Rob began to address the assembled group.
‘Alright everyone, as you all know, Sarah has injured her leg and Mike — or rather Michelle, Williams as she will appear on the programme today, will be taking her place. Alan is going to take my place and together they will now be dancing as the lead couple for both dances. Michelle and Alan have decided to stick to the original routine, rather than the simplified version, but this shouldn’t have too much impact on the rest of us who are dancing. I suggest that I now ask them to show us both of their routines and so we can see what we’ll need to do in order to support them.’
There was a murmur of assent, the music started and we began to dance. As soon as we’d finished I knew that we’d done well, from the applause that we received from our peers during the expertly executed lift at the end of the Waltz. By the time we had finished our Foxtrot I could feel that the atmosphere among the spectators had changed from a mixture of inquisitiveness and occasional mild distaste, to one of excitement and admiration. By midday everyone was happy about their respective roles and people began to drift away to grab a light lunch or begin to change into their costumes.
‘I’ve got a couple of packets of sandwiches, so you’d better come with me, Michelle, as we are going to need some time to get you ready for this afternoon,’ said Sarah.
Up to that point it hadn’t really occurred to me where I was going to get changed, but Sarah walked straight to the ladies’ changing rooms and beckoned me to follow. Two of the other dancers, Sonia and Louise were already there, dressed in their underclothes, but neither of them batted an eyelid as I entered.
‘Wow, Michelle, I wish I could dance like that,’ said Sonia.
‘I’m sure that you will be able to do so with a little more practice,’ I replied.
‘How are you managing with the heels?’ she asked.
‘With difficulty, I have a feeling that my feet will be aching for the next week, but I hope they should be alright for today.’
We were soon joined by the remaining ladies who were due to take part in the proceedings, and again nobody seemed to act as if they were surprised to see me or that I was in the wrong place. I suspected that Sarah had been discussing the arrangements for me to get changed into my costume with the other ladies the previous night whilst I’d been out practising.
‘OK, Michelle, take off your dress please so that we can all have a close look at you to decide what will need to be done,’ said Sarah.
I followed her instructions and over the next hour and three quarters my costume, makeup and hair were subjected to the detailed scrutiny of the five leading ladies of our ballroom dance society, who seemed to regard me as some kind of joint project involving them all. They took turns to contribute whilst simultaneously helping one another to get themselves ready. For most of this time I quietly let them get on with it, without argument. My breast forms were pronounced to be not good enough and were replaced by two silicone breast enhancers loaned to me together with a push-up bra and some judicious taping to produce the semblance of a cleavage. My finger nails were examined and pronounced to be acceptable, and I was also fitted with some false eyelashes.
My hair and makeup were done for me by Joan who ran a beauty salon in Luton. The makeup she applied was somewhat heavier and more pronounced than I’d been used to wearing
‘You’ll need to wear more makeup than you would normally do if you complexion is not going to look washed out under the spotlights,’ she explained.
‘You need to have long hair as a dancer, but for the more formal ballroom dances it is important for you to have it strictly under control,’ she said as she wound it into a bun at the base of my neck, covered it with a light weight hairnet, and then affixed a flower.
‘You’re the expert. I’ll just do what I’m told.’
It was a nice friendly atmosphere in the changing rooms as we chatted together happily and I seemed to be accepted, without question, into the sisterhood. It was only when Joan expressed a desire to pluck and shape my eyebrows that I complained that if she went too far, I wouldn’t be able to go into work on Monday, let alone explain to my mother when I saw her the next day. So we agreed on a compromise between our wishes. Ultimately she was satisfied and I had a flawless complexion, smouldering eyes and sexy pouting lips.
‘OK I think that’s you finished, Michelle, let’s see what you look like in your frock,’ she announced.
Sonia helped me to put on my dress and shoes, and the others crowded round as I looked at myself in a full-length mirror.
‘So what does everyone think?’ asked Joan.
‘I think she looks pretty good, and entirely convincing,’ said Sarah, without sounding too surprised about it.
‘How about you, Michelle; how do you feel?’
It felt wonderful to be wearing that long blue gown, with immaculate hair and makeup, but I couldn’t find the words to express how I felt. I also wondered how my mother would react if she could see me.
‘Thank you very much, everybody, for all your help,’ I replied, turning to look at myself from both sides.’
‘What about some jewellery?’ asked Louise.
‘With the high tulle neck she doesn’t really need a necklace, said Sarah, but perhaps she could do with some earrings.’
‘I have just the pair which she can borrow,’ said Louise.
She provided me with two large dangly clip-on earrings.
‘They are a little painful,’ I commented.
‘They do look good with that dress, if you can manage to wear them. If they get too painful you can always take them off once the second dance is over,’ said Sonia.
I spent the last ten minutes before we were due to go on helping my colleagues with their last minute preparations and then we all went out to find our partners. I was just about to leave when Sarah provided me with a couple of squirts from her perfume.
‘You may as well smell as good as you look,’ she said smiling.’
‘Thanks for everything, Sarah, I’m pleased that you talked me into doing this.’
‘I know; now off you go and the best of luck, Michelle.’
Next time: Our demonstration, followed by the committee meeting
Thanks to Bronwen for editing and to everyone else for comments and kudos which are always appreciated. The next chapter will be published on 30 November. Louise
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My first public performance as Michelle
Ballroom dancing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realise just how important it would become in shaping my future, until I had to take the place of one of my bosses following an accident.
Dancing Queen A novel by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Alan was waiting for me along with the other guys. He’d changed into a white tie and borrowed tail suit that was a tiny bit too small for him, but he looked great all the same and it was made of a stretchy material so didn’t hinder him from dancing. He didn’t say anything as I approached but I could see that he approved of the way I looked, as well. I smiled, nervously, and we took our places ready to begin our demonstration of the Waltz. Sarah, who would no longer able to take any part in the dancing, introduced the dancers to the audience and gave a little bit of background information about each dance and explained what the audience should look for. Then the music started and we began.
It isn’t my intention to fill this story with detailed commentaries on our dances together but on this first public occasion I will try and give some indication of how it felt. It was as if the music took control of the two of us as we glided around the room. I let Alan lead us around the room whilst I concentrated on my posture and showing off my costume to best effect. Everything looked and felt just right, the dress, the shoes, my hair and makeup. I’m sure that neither Alan nor I put a foot wrong during the dance, and our poise and posture would have been good enough to satisfy the strictest competition judge. Of course I couldn’t comment on the other pairs of dancers but I gained the impression from the applause afterwards that the whole team had been a credit to the society. The first of the new season of demonstration sessions appeared to have gone very well indeed. In spite of being dressed as I was in such a public arena, I felt confident about myself and that I had not let anyone down.
All the dancers stayed around for half an hour or so after each dance, whilst they organised and signed up newcomers to the corresponding training session. This was an opportunity to answer individual questions or receive compliments or congratulations from members of the audience. One of the first to approach me was Richard from work.
‘Michelle, that was awesome, you two looked so professional together. I’d no idea that you were such a good dancer. ‘
‘Thanks,’ I replied, a little surprised by his enthusiasm and the unselfconscious way he was now addressing me.
‘I’ve filmed the whole dance, and have just checked it through. There are some wonderful shots of both of you. Would you have any objection if I put some clips up on You-tube,
‘What do you think, Alan?’ I asked.
‘It was a public performance and so there’s nothing to prevent any member of the audience from filming us,’ he replied.
‘Alright, as long as you promise only to use the name Michelle Williams, and not my real name,’
Sarah then introduced our second demonstration - the Foxtrot - which she explained had nothing to do with the gait of carnivorous mammals but was named after an American vaudeville actor. It was a progressive dance characterized by long, continuous flowing movements across the dance floor and danced to big band music. Although it is a relatively straightforward dance for beginners, it is actually quite difficult to achieve the elegance and sophistication necessary. On this occasion I felt that we had done so. Afterwards there were lots of people who wanted to talk to us and I probably spent more time chatting than I needed too, partly because I was enjoying myself so much that I didn’t really want it all to end. It was Sarah who eventually reminded me that I’d organised a Committee meeting at 5.00pm, and that if I didn’t get changed soon I would have to attend and take the minutes dressed as Michelle. The idea was not completely objectionable to me but was probably not appropriate and so I reluctantly followed her to the changing rooms.
Sarah helped me to get changed into Mike’s clothes and to remove all traces of the makeup. It was a relief to take off the earrings and the high heels, but in other respects I felt a sense of loss as I gave up Michelle’s lovely clothes in favour of Mike’s rather non-descript t shirt and jeans. The only difficulty we encountered was with Helen’s nail tips which proved to be somewhat more time consuming to remove than I’d imagined. In the end I sent Sarah ahead to make my apologies to the committee for the late start. By the time I arrived, I was ten minutes late for the meeting, and was disappointed to see that there were only Sarah and Rob and four other committee members present, although it appeared that Alan had also been asked to attend as the main topic on the agenda would probably concern him.
‘I’m afraid a couple of the other members have had to leave, but they have given us their views and will be happy to go along with whatever we decide,’ said Rob.
I started to take the minutes.
‘The only item on the agenda is to consider who will be filling in behind Sarah over the next few weeks, but I should perhaps begin by thanking everyone who took part in today’s proceedings which we all agree have been a great success,’ said Rob.
There were mutters of agreement from Jack and Lucy, two middle-aged members of the Committee, neither of whom had been dancing.
‘Particular thanks are due to Mike and Alan, who between them have saved the day for us after Sarah’s accident.’
There were further murmurs of agreement from almost everyone present apart from Alan and myself who both looked a little embarrassed.
‘But the question is who is going to be dancing the Viennese Waltz and the Quickstep on 10th October, the Charleston and the American Smooth on the 24th, the Jive and the Jitterbug on the 8th November and the various Latin American Dances during the remaining two sessions?’
‘Alan, would you be willing to dance any of those?’ asked Jack.
‘I believe so; you can pencil me in for any of them although I would of course need to practice some of the more difficult dances. That is, so long as you find me suitable partners to dance with,’ he replied.
‘Thank you very much. On the basis of your performance today I think we would like to make plenty of use of your talents over the next few weeks. Which brings us to the question of who will be taking the lady’s part,’ said Rob.
Sarah came in at this point.
‘I’ve been canvassing our lady members ever since my accident, looking for volunteers who might be willing to take my place or else seeking other likely names. Louise says she would be willing to take the lead and cover the Latin dances as these are not scheduled for six weeks and so she’ll have plenty of time to practice. However, Guy, her usual partner doesn’t feel confident enough to take part in a demonstration and so we will have to ask Alan to step in.
‘OK, but what about the other sessions?’ asked Jack.
‘Unfortunately I’ve found no volunteer who would feel sufficiently confident to take the lead and demonstrate any one pair of the remaining dances that we’ve scheduled. We could perhaps re-organise the schedule, although this has already been published. On the other hand one suggested name has cropped up several times during the course of this afternoon.’
‘Who’s that?’ I asked, as I was writing the minutes.
‘You, I’m afraid Mike.’
I looked up; everyone around the table was looking at me.
‘N-n-now hang on, I reluctantly agreed to fill in for today as it was a true emergency, but it was stated by all concerned that it would only be for this week.’
‘I know, and we are all very grateful,’ said Sarah. ‘But there is no-one among the ladies who is competent in all of those dances, whereas you know them all.’
‘I-I-I may know them, but not well enough to be able to demonstrate them in front of an audience.
‘You haven’t exactly helped your cause by dancing so well today,’ commented Lucy.
‘B-b-but the only way I was able to do that was because I had three nights of practice and two days of going in to work dressed as Michelle.’
‘And you admitted to me last night that you’d had learned a lot about ballroom dancing by doing so.’
‘Yes I have, but you’re asking me to take over a series of dances over a six week period. I’d have to spend two or three evenings each week just getting ready for the next session.’
‘Whoever took on that role would need to practice,’ said Alan.
‘Wha-what about costumes?’ I asked, seeking to divert the spotlight from myself.
That tactic didn’t work, as Sarah assumed that I was asking what I might wear.
‘There are five or six ladies who are roughly the same size as you are. Between us, I’m sure we could loan you enough costumes for you to wear.’
Rob stepped in on my behalf.
‘Don’t feel you have to do this Mike, if you don’t want to,’ he said.
‘Where I have heard that one before?' I thought to myself, but didn’t answer.
But Sarah had now got the bit between her teeth and used my hesitation as an invitation for her to put the boot (hoof?) in.
‘Let me put to you a proposal that I’ve discussed with several of the other ladies during the course of the afternoon and they have all agreed to help. First of all we all know that you can make a convincing and attractive lady dancer.’
I blushed, but didn’t say anything.
‘OK and you’ve spent the last three days living and working as Michelle.’
I blushed even further.
If you continued to do so for the next few weeks, we will all contribute some clothes for you to wear at work during the week and loan you some dance costumes at the weekends. Joan would also be willing to provide you with some proper hair and nail extensions. You would then be able to concentrate on being Michelle and devote all your free time to practicing the new dances and working out routines with Alan.’
‘B-b-but what about my job?’
‘You’ve already demonstrated to us that going in to work as Michelle wouldn’t be a problem,’ said Sarah. ‘Of course we’ll have to explain the situation to the weekend staff, but it isn’t going to be an issue for them.’
‘Are you saying that I would need to go in to work dressed as Michelle every day?’ I said beginning to weaken.
‘We would be happy to employ you as either Mike or Michelle over the next six weeks, but we’d be less keen if you were to keep switching back and forth between them,’ said Rob.
‘Also Joan wouldn’t be too pleased if you kept changing between Mike and Michelle,’ added Sarah.
‘But what would I say to my mother?’ I protested. ‘She doesn’t even know about my dancing today.’
Nobody had an answer to that one. Eventually Rob came to my aid once again.
‘We would be asking an awful lot from Mike and I don’t think we can expect an answer to Sarah’s proposal straight away. We do at least have a fortnight before the next demonstration so maybe we should adjourn the meeting to let the secretary have a little time to think about the idea.’
The others agreed, but Alan asked whether he might just say something before we all left.
‘Mike, or perhaps I should say Michelle, I’d just like to say that you are the best partner I’ve yet danced with and it has been an honour and a pleasure to dance with you today. I get the impression that if you were to accept Sarah’s proposal we could really do great things together, but of course it is up to you to decide.’
I blushed and didn’t know what to say in reply, because, apart from anything else, I felt he was probably right.
‘I-I’ll try and let you all know my decision tomorrow, after I’ve spoken to my mother,’ I said.
As we left the Hall, Sarah and Rob offered me a lift to my home. I accepted but we didn’t say anything until we pulled up outside my mother’s house.
‘Thank you for filling in for me at the last moment,’ said Sarah, ‘you were really wonderful today.’
‘Th-Thanks to both of you for putting me up for the last few days, and also for your help getting myself ready today Sarah.’
I was on the point of getting out, when Sarah spoke again.
‘Mike, would it help if I were to have a word with your mother, to explain about Michelle?’
I thought for a moment before replying.
‘I-I don’t know. Maybe?’
‘When does she get back to Luton?’
‘Tomorrow afternoon, I’m due to meet her off the 2.10 train from St Pancras.’
‘Should we arrange to meet her with you and give you both a lift home? I’ll then make an excuse to send you guys out on an errand somewhere and ask if I can wait with her and rest my leg.’
‘Wha-What will you say to her?’ I asked.
‘I’ll tell her about Michelle and how you came to fill in for me today. I’ll tell her what a good dancer you are and how much we would appreciate your help in the coming weeks.’
I spent a while without answering, thinking through the implications of what she was saying.
’Did I want my mother to know about Michelle?’, I asked myself.
‘Well?’ she said.
‘Alright then,’ I replied.
‘Shall we pick you up tomorrow at 1.50 then?’
‘Y-Yes, thank you,’ I said and got out of the car.
That night I relived the wonderful memories of the last few days and of the previous afternoon in particular and wondered what my mother would think about it all when she found out what I’d been doing.
Next time: Mum’s reaction
Thanks to Bronwen for editing and to everyone else for comments and kudos which are always appreciated. The next chapter will be published on 7 December. Louise
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Mum’s reaction to Michelle
Ballroom dancing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realise just how important it would become in shaping my future, until I had to take the place of one of my bosses following an accident.
Dancing Queen A novel by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
‘My wife does get a little bit carried away with her schemes at times, Mike,’ said Rob to me as we sat in a coffee bar together. ‘I want to assure you that you don’t have to do this, if you don’t want to. You just need to say the word and I’ll make that sure it doesn’t happen. The Society will just have to find someone else to do the demonstrations.’
I sighed. For the last few days I’d felt myself being steadily sucked in to one of Sarah’s schemes, in spite of Rob’s assurances to the contrary. But on the other hand I wasn’t sure whether I minded or not.
‘Th-Thanks, Rob. As I said, I’d like to help, although it rather de-depends upon how my mother reacts to the idea,’ I replied.
‘Well the decision is entirely in your hands, Mike. If at any point you wish to change your mind or pull out you are free to do so. I won’t let Sarah put any more pressure on you.’
‘Are you sure that it will be ok as far as work is concerned?’ I asked.
‘As you know, business hasn’t been too good for Estate Agents recently. You were lucky we took you on when we did, just before the crash, and that one of our negotiators has recently left us. However, I believe that things should pick up next year and in the meanwhile I don’t think it will impact on the business if you come in dressed as a girl for a while.’
L-Let’s see how Sarah gets on with my mother, then.’
We were waiting for a signal from Sarah that she’d spoken to my mother and that I should make my way back home. Between the three of us we’d concocted a story to explain why I was accompanied by my two bosses (whom she had never met before) when we met her at the station. I explained that I would be needed to help them move a new easy chair in the back of their car. They had seen it advertised privately and thought it might be useful to support Sarah’s injured leg. Of course, Sarah would be unable to help move it, or even ride in the car as it was being transported. I’d therefore volunteered to help after I’d collected Mum from the station. Thus we first collected Mum and took her home, and left Sarah behind with her whilst Rob and I went off to perform our fictitious removal job. Sarah had arranged to put in a surreptitious telephone call to Rob as soon as she’d had the chance to talk to my mother and the time was right for me to return and face the music. But it seemed to be taking a lot more time than I’d imagined.
Eventually Rob’s phone bleeped, and he quickly looked at the caller display and turned it off.
‘Alright Mike, it looks as if the deed is done; it’s now time for us to return to your mother’s house and for me to pick up Sarah.’
As we pulled up outside the house, Sarah was saying goodbye to Mum at the front door. She smiled at me as we passed one another at the front gate.
‘It’s up to you now, Mike. Give me a call tonight to tell me what is happening,’ she said quietly as I passed.
Mum was standing waiting for me at the front door.
‘So they are your bosses — they seem to be a friendly couple,’ she commented as their car pulled away.
‘Y-Yes, I suppose so.’
‘Sarah has been telling me what you got up to last week, and I must say that I’m very disappointed with you, Mike.’
This wasn’t a good start.
‘Wh-Why is that?’ I asked, although I could think of half a dozen possible reasons.
‘You know that I love ballroom dancing but you didn’t think to tell me that you would be dancing two demonstration sessions.’
‘But you were away in London,’ I protested.
‘I could have arranged to come back early.’
‘I- I only knew for sure that I was going to be dancing on Thursday, and it was only the Waltz and Foxtrot, which you have seen me dance many times.’
‘Not in the woman’s part,’ she added in a voice which I could not work out if it showed disapproval or disappointment.
‘To-To be honest, Mum, I wasn’t sure how you would react to the idea of me dancing the woman’s part.’
‘How do you think I would react to the idea?’
I tried to gauge from her expression what answer would be most appropriate: disapproval? disgust?’ horror? but was unable to do so.
‘Surprise?’ I suggested.
‘Yes, certainly I was surprised,’ she replied with a small smile and seemed to relax a little.
She looked intently at me.
‘I thought your eyebrows looked different when you met me at the station.’
It was now my turn to smile.
‘I only just managed to prevent my friends from doing anything more drastic to them,’ I said.
She laughed and that seemed to dispel the tension between us.
‘But if you’re ever planning to dance in public again, whether it as a man or a woman, I should like to know about it.’
‘S-Sorry, Mum. In actual fact I think we did quite well together.’
‘I know, I’ve heard all about it from Sarah. She even showed me a DVD of you dancing and has left a copy with me.’
My crimes appeared to have been forgiven. Perhaps it was now time to probe a little deeper.
‘D-Did Sarah mention to you that the Committee has invited me to take her part and dance a number of other demonstration sessions this year?’ I asked tentatively.
‘Yes, and she made it clear that it was up to you to decide whether or not you wished to do so.’
‘Wh-What do you think I should do?’
‘I think you are now old enough to make up your own mind,’ she replied without giving anything away.
‘It would be a big commitment in terms of practicing and sorting out my costumes.’
‘Yes, I can see that.’
‘S-Sarah thinks that the only realistic way I could devote the necessary time to practice would be for me to spend the next few weeks living as a girl.’
‘She told me that as well. I understand that if you agreed to do so the other ladies in the society would sort out your hair and supply you with some clothes to wear.’
‘Y-Yes, I believe so.’
‘I also understand that you spent two days at work last week living and working as a girl.’
‘That’s true,’ I replied blushing. ‘I needed to practice.’
‘So how did you get on?’
‘Alright, I think. My colleagues and those clients that I came into contact with seemed to accept me.’
‘Sarah said that they were very pleased with you at work,’ Mum continued.
‘I-I work hard but am not so good at dealing with clients because of my st-stammer.’
She didn’t respond, or give me any indication what she was thinking.
‘Wh-What do you think I should do?’ I repeated.
Her face hardened.
‘Mike, I’m not going to help you with this one; you must decide what you want to do.’
‘It w-would be very helpful to the society,’ I suggested.
‘I can see that, but is that sufficient reason for you to sacrifice six weeks of your life?’
‘It wouldn’t exactly be a sacrifice, in fact it may be the only opportunity that I will ever get to dance at the highest level with a really good partner,’ I protested.
‘Well?’
‘I l-learned a lot about dancing last week,’
She didn’t respond. I took a deep breath.
‘I think I’d like to go ahead with Sarah’s suggestion,’ I murmured, blushing as I did so.
‘Are you sure?’ she said severely.
‘Yes, I’m sure,’ I responded, this time with a little more confidence.
Her face relaxed into a smile.
‘I’m so glad that you’ve decided to do so and I’ll be looking forward to seeing you dance once again. I was hoping that you might say yes, but didn’t want to influence your decision.’
‘Oh!’ I said in surprise at her response.
‘Now that you’ve made up your mind, I promise that I will help and support you in any way I can.’
That was a relief, especially as I’d only just admitted to myself what I wanted to do.
‘How w-will you feel about living with a daughter rather than a son for the next six weeks,’ I asked.
She thought for a moment then smiled at the prospect.
‘I always wanted to have a daughter and I’m sure there will be lots of things we will be able to do together, but you should understand that if you are going to be my daughter for the next six weeks you cannot also be my son at the same time.’
I wasn’t sure exactly what she meant by that but I nodded my head, all the same.
‘I I thought you might worry about what the neighbours will think if I come and go dressed as a girl.’
‘They can think whatever they like. To be honest, I doubt whether most of them will even notice.’
She was probably right. We lived at the end of a terrace and the family next door had chosen to hide their house from ourselves and the road behind a high hedge. We barely knew any of our immediate neighbours.
‘So why don’t we have another look at that DVD together, and I’ll tell you what I think of your dancing?’ she said’.
‘Aright then,’
It was just like the two of us watching ‘Come Dancing together once again, but this time with a running commentary.
‘Your Waltz was pretty good, but as a female dancer, you’ll need to be aware of your costume at all times. See! You could have shown off your dress to better effect at that turn. Now let’s have a look at the Foxtrot.’
I was clearly going to benefit from the experience of an expert, who was noticing small details that might otherwise be overlooked.
At 8 pm I called Sarah, as she’d requested.
‘Well?’ she said impatiently as soon as she took my call, without waiting for the usual introductions or greetings.
‘It’s M-Mike here. I’ve spoken to Mum and decided that I’ll do the next three demonstrations.’
‘Are you intending to remain as Michelle for that period?’
‘Y-Yes, I guess so; that seems to be the only practicable way forward, as long as you can make the necessary arrangements and provide me with the clothes to wear.’
‘That’s brilliant news,’ she said sounding really excited. ‘I’ll tell Rob and the others.’
‘M-Maybe I’d better now call Alan and break the news to him.’
‘Just give me a quarter of an hour before you do, so that I can speak to Joan and see when she will be able do your hair and nails for you. After that you’ll be able to organise your first practice session together.
She rang me back after ten minutes.
‘You will have to come into work tomorrow dressed as Mike, but Joan can see you at four o’clock and continue after her salon closes. By that time I should have sorted out some suitable clothes for you to wear over the next few days so I suggest that you should get changed at the salon. I’ll also be contacting the other ladies in the Society to collect their contributions to your new wardrobe.
‘Mum says that she can probably loan me some of her clothes as well, if necessary.’
‘Good, the more choice you have about what to wear the better. So from tomorrow evening it will be Michelle full-time.’
‘Yes, until the middle of November,’ I added.
‘Hmm. Maybe we should extend it until the Society’s Christmas Dinner in mid-December?’ she said laughing.
‘S-six weeks is all that I’m agreeing to,’ I said.
‘Alright, I’ll be satisfied with six weeks and thank you very much.’
I next put in my call to Alan, only this time deciding to adopt the persona of Michelle on the telephone.
‘Hi Alan, it is Michelle. It looks as if you’ve found yourself a dance partner for the next three demonstrations,’ I said.
‘Really!’ he said sounding delighted.
It was nice to feel appreciated.
‘Yes really. From tomorrow night onwards I shall be available for any practice sessions.
‘You really want to do this? We didn’t bully you into agreeing?’
‘No, I’m doing it partly for the sake of the Society, but also for both our sakes. I happen to believe that you were right yesterday and that we could do great things dancing together.‘
‘That’s wonderful, Michelle, when shall we make a start?’
‘How about Tuesday evening at the Dance Studio?’ I suggested. ‘We’ll have just under two weeks to practise the Viennese Waltz and the Quickstep
‘That suits me.’
‘I’ve already worked out routines for both of them but I would really appreciate your input,’ I added.
‘I’m looking forward to it.’
‘Me too!’ I thought to myself as I finished the call.
Next time: Mike’s last day at work
Thanks to Bronwen for editing and to everyone else for comments and kudos which are always appreciated. The next chapter will be published on 14 December. Louise
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Mike’s last day at work (for a while?)
Ballroom dancing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realise just how important it would become in shaping my future, until I had to take the place of one of my bosses following an accident.
Dancing Queen A novel by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Chapter 9 — Mike’s last day at work
Mum offered to loan me some of her clothes to enable me to go into work on Monday morning dressed as Michelle. However, I didn’t have Sarah’s wig available and there was no way that I was going to travel in on the bus with short hair, whilst wearing a dress. I was still a little apprehensive about how she would react to seeing me dressed as a girl, for the first time.
‘Th-thanks, Mum, but I would prefer to wait until my visit to Joan’s salon this evening before I make the transition.’
‘Alright then, it will give me the opportunity to look out some of my office work clothes that I no longer wear now that I’ve retired.’
‘Y-You know that I’ll be late home this evening,’ I said.
‘Yes and I’m looking forward to meeting my new daughter.’
I therefore arrived at work, dressed as Mike, and found that Richard had beaten me to it. After all the fuss over the last five days or so I felt a little embarrassed in front of him: much more so than I’d felt the previous week as Michelle.
‘Hi, Mike! Have you recovered from Saturday yet? I must say that you and that Alan guy performed excellently.’
‘Th-Thanks,’ I said, blushing slightly, as I took off my coat and started up my computer.
Helen arrived next: I hadn’t expected to see her in the office that day as she’d been working the previous Saturday, but it later transpired that she had arranged to take a day off the following week for a shopping trip to London.
‘So how did you get on Saturday, Mike?’ she asked as she sat down at her desk.
‘I th-think we did alright, thanks. At least we didn’t make any silly mistakes and the audience seemed to appreciate our efforts.’
‘I’m sure you did very well.’
‘They were both brilliant, especially Mike, given the handicap of having to dance whilst dressed as a woman,’ added Richard, from his desk.’
‘Some of us have to do that all the time,’ commented Sarah as she hobbled through the front door with the aid of her crutches, followed by her husband bringing a large blue carrier bag.
‘I’m pleased that you did so well, Mike,’ added Helen.
I smiled in acknowledgment but had the impression that she was a little disappointed to see me at work in male mode once again. This was confirmed a few seconds later when she added.
‘I enjoyed working with Michelle last week, and you looked so lovely on Friday evening, when I last saw you that I half hoped you might decide to continue with the experiment for a while.’
I wasn’t sure what to say in response to her as I was still wondering how I was going to break the news to my colleagues. However, before I could do so, Sarah chipped in and made the announcement for me.
‘Don’t be too upset, Helen; Michelle and her partner danced so well on Saturday that the Committee have asked them to take responsibility for the next three demonstration sessions, so Michelle will be re-joining us tomorrow.
‘Really! How long for?’ she asked, whilst not attempting to disguise that she was pleased by the news.
‘S-six weeks, I’m afraid,’ I replied, blushing a little.
‘From tomorrow morning until the middle of November, we will have a new female colleague working in the office, Michelle, and so we’ll be forgetting about Mike, for the time being,’ added Sarah.
‘That’s great news,’ Helen said, addressing me, but then added as an afterthought, ‘if that’s what you want?‘
There seemed to be no point in my pretending otherwise.
‘I- I think so, at least it will give me the opportunity to improve my dancing skills,’ I replied.
‘It’s not that I don’t like working with you as Mike, but it will be more fun to have another girl to talk to,’ she said.
Then, somewhat to my surprise, Richard agreed.
‘Yes, I was pleased when I heard that you will be coming back as Michelle.’
I blushed and wondered how he already knew.
‘I rang Richard last night to give him the news and he has agreed to video your remaining performances for us,’ explained Sarah.
‘I’ve put a couple of excerpts from Saturday’s video on You-Tube,’ said Richard. ‘They’ve already received a number of hits and several votes of approval.’
Rob, who had only come in to deliver his wife before going out on a job, was now on the point of leaving once again. He looked towards me to see how I was reacting to the various comments. I shrugged my shoulders.
‘I j-just hope that I’ll get on alright and don’t let you all down,’ I said.
‘I think that Michelle is going to be an asset both to the ballroom dancing society and also to us at work,’ he said and then left.
Richard was also now getting ready to go out on a site visit.
‘Sarah, would you mind if we had a quick look at those video clips before any customers arrive?’ Helen asked.
‘Alright, but please be quick,’ she replied.
We crowded round Richard’s computer to look at them. They were a lot better than the majority of amateur clips of ballroom dancers, I’d seen.
‘Wow, I think you both looked brilliant,’ commented Helen.
‘Thanks,’ I said, now feeling quite proud of my performance.
‘When Richard has filmed all of your demonstrations, we can perhaps edit the material and sell DVD copies on behalf of the Society,’ said Sarah, then added ’as long as you and Alan are agreeable.’
‘I w-w-won’t object as long as nobody uses my real name,’ I said.
Once all the initial fuss and congratulation was over and Richard had left the office, work seemed a little duller for me in the role of Mike than it had been the previous week as Michelle. I even began to look forward to her return the following day. I was also conscious of the return of my stammer after several days in which it had disappeared, so was less willing to enter into conversations with my colleagues and less inclined to answer the phone unless I really had to. Instead I found myself working on the computer updating our entries on the Rightmove database for most of the morning which was a task that no-one particularly enjoyed doing. At one point I noticed the Johnsons, the elderly couple that I’d dealt with the previous Friday when I was dressed as Michelle, were heading in the direction of the shop. I just about managed to slip out to the back office in time, leaving Helen to deal with them.
‘S-sorry about that, Sarah,’ explaining my sudden interruption.. ‘I’m n-n-not s-sure how they would have reacted if they’d realised that the young woman they’d spoken to on Friday was really a young man.’
‘That’s why we didn’t want you switching backwards and forwards between Mike and Michelle at work,’ she replied. ‘It shouldn’t be a problem for you after tomorrow, though.’
‘I guess not.’
As soon as they’d left I returned to my usual place in the front of the shop.
‘They asked to speak to the helpful young lady that they saw last week,’ said Helen as I sat down again.
‘D-did they say what they wanted?’ I asked.
It looks as if you may have interested them in being shown round that house at Houghton Regis that has been on the books for so long.’
‘S-So what did you say to them?’ I asked.
‘I offered to make an appointment for them to be shown round later in the week, or else they were welcome to come back tomorrow when you would be in the office once again. They decided to do the latter as they had a number of questions they wanted you to answer. It seems as if they appreciated the way you dealt with them.’
‘Maybe Rob is right and Michelle will be an asset to the business,’ said Sarah who had overheard the conversation.
Sarah had been due to show a young couple around a new housing development at midday but was no longer in a position to drive the office car. In any event, she would never have been able to walk round a building site on crutches and with her leg in plaster, she had therefore asked Helen to go in her place. Thus Sarah and I were alone in the office between eleven-thirty and two. As I was going to be leaving work early I felt duty bound to buy myself some sandwiches and a coffee to eat at my desk rather than go out for a lunch break. That way I could at least help Sarah if there was more than one caller.
‘With all the excitement last night, I didn’t really have a chance to ask how you got on with your mother?’ asked Sarah during a quiet patch.
‘N-Not too bad; that is once she’d told me off for failing to let her know about my demonstration dances.’
‘So was she alright about Michelle?’
‘Y-Yes, I think so. To tell the truth, she was quite positive about the idea. She loves ballroom dancing and was pleased to have me take part again, even if it was as a woman.’
‘So, are you all set for this evening?’
‘I g-guess so.’
I hesitated for a moment, before continuing.
‘Actually, I’m quite looking forward to it.’
Sarah smiled.
‘I thought so. I’m glad. I wouldn’t want you to do anything against your will.’
‘I’ll j-just have to sort out what I’m going to wear to work over the next few weeks.’
‘That reminds me,’ said Sarah who pointed to the large carrier bag, which Rob had brought in to work that morning, and asked me to bring it over for her.
‘Here is the dress and shoes of mine that you wore last week, which you are welcome to keep. There are also the underclothes that we bought for you. These will be my contribution to Michelle’s wardrobe. I washed everything over the weekend.’
‘Th-Thanks, I expect I’ll wear the dress in to work tomorrow as I’ll be going dancing afterwards.’
‘I’m hoping you will also receive some other donations in the next day or so.’
‘M-My mother has also promised to help out as well.’
‘Good, the more you have to choose from the better.’
During the course of the lunch hour Sonia and Louise from the Ballroom Dancing Society called in to the office bringing with them an old suitcase, which they presented to me.
‘Some more clothes for Michelle,’ said Louise. ‘We’ve both used the opportunity to go through our wardrobes looking for suitable items that should fit you and which we no longer wear. Some of the other ladies who are your size will be doing so as well.’
‘By the end of the week you should have a reasonable wardrobe for Michelle,’ added Sonia.
Sarah and I quickly had a look through the case in the back office, whilst there were no clients around.
'There's quite a lot here,' I commented.
'Yes, Sonia has a reputation for being a shopaholic when it comes to buying clothes and so often had plenty of barely used ones to spare,' commented Sarah. 'She also has a tendency to go for styles more suitable for a younger woman, such as yourself.'
Between the three of them I’d been given a number of dresses, skirts, tops, and shoes to wear over the next six weeks, with the promise of more to come. I would, however need to buy myself some more underclothes over the next few days.
‘It’s going to be quite a task for you to carry all of those clothes home with you tonight. Am I right in thinking that you have a driving licence?’ asked Sarah.
‘Y-Yes, I passed my test earlier this year and have been saving up for a car.’
‘Good, as one of our employees you’ll be insured to drive the office car. Helen should be back with it by three o’clock. You can then drive yourself and the clothes to Joan’s salon and afterwards take the car home for the night, so long as you bring hit back in tomorrow morning.’
‘Yes of course. Thanks very much.’
‘Those will be for your everyday and work clothes, there’s still the problem of your dance costumes for the demonstration sessions,’ said Sarah.
‘Y-Yes, I suppose so,’ I replied.
‘I expect I’ll be able to loan you another of my dresses for the next demonstration on Saturday week but I hope that some of the others will be able to help you out in later weeks. You’re also going to need to get used to wearing and dancing in higher heels than those that you wore last weekend.’
‘Really!’
‘Yes, but don’t look so anxious, it will be fun.’
‘I guess so.’
‘Once you are safely back in Michelle mode we can discuss your future costumes.’
‘Alright then.’
Helen came back with the car on schedule and I got ready to finish work at 3.40 pm. As I was about to leave she came up to me.
‘I suppose it is goodbye to Mike then.’
‘Y-Yes, at least it is goodbye to Mike for the next six weeks,’ I replied.
‘Or maybe it is goodbye to Mike, for the next six weeks, at least?’ she added with a grin.
I smiled, but didn’t rise to the bait.
‘I’ve bought a small present for Michelle, perhaps you’ll pass it on when you see her,’ she said, handing me a paper bag.
I opened it and found a lovely pink lingerie set, and a card to wish me good luck.
‘Sarah told me Michelle’s size.’
‘I’m sure that Michelle will thank you very much and that she’ll want to wear them tomorrow,’ I replied.
Next time: My transformation
Thanks to Bronwen for editing and to everyone else for comments and kudos which are always appreciated. The next chapter will be published on 21 December. Louise
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Michelle emerges from her cocoon
Ballroom dancing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realise just how important it would become in shaping my future, until I had to take the place of one of my bosses following an accident.
Dancing Queen A novel by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Chapter 10 — My transformation
I arrived at Joan’s salon carrying the plastic carrier bag containing the clothes and shoes that I’d be changing into later that evening. The remainder of my newly acquired clothes had been left in the boot of the office car in the ‘Pay and Display’ car park nearby. I received a few curious sideways glances from one or two of Joan’s colleagues as I introduced myself to the receptionist and asked to see her. I assumed that they’d all heard about my exploits the previous Saturday and knew what was about to happen to me, but I was committed to going through with the plan and so there was no point in my worrying about what other people thought of me.
‘Come through to the back room and sit down, Mike,’ said Joan. ‘Before I start, there are just a couple of things that I need to say to you.’
I followed her instructions
‘From what I saw on Saturday you have the right build to make a convincing female ballroom dancer and the ability to dance well. I’ve worked with female impersonators in the past, but on this occasion it will be more a question of turning you into a convincing and attractive young woman than a traditional ‘drag queen’. I’ll be happy to make my contribution towards turning you into Michelle.’
‘Th-thank you,’ I said, unsure where the conversation was heading.
‘But I want to make it clear that we’ll be doing things properly this time. Do you understand?’
‘N-Not exactly. Y-You’d better explain,’ I replied.
‘As you will be undertaking some fairly energetic dances in the coming weeks we will need to sew your hair extensions securely on to braids in your hair rather than just clip them in place. Also, the "UV Top Coat" nail extensions that I use these days will not be removable without some trouble, until they’ve grown out. Rather than relying on the stick-on false eyelashes, I suggest we should lengthen your existing lashes with semi-permanent ones which will also stay in place for a few weeks until your existing lashes fall out. Finally, although I improved the shape of your eyebrows last Saturday, there’s still some work to be done on them if you are going to look your best. In other words, once I get started on turning you into Michelle, it isn’t going to be very easy for you to go back to looking like Mike for some time.’
‘A-a-as long as you don’t do anything that is irreversible.’
She laughed.
‘Don’t worry, I’m a beauty consultant not a plastic surgeon. We’ll be doing nothing that cannot be undone, but you must understand that you are going to be looking like a girl for the next few weeks irrespective of whatever you choose to wear. You will look like a girl when you’re dancing but also at home or at work. Do you understand?’
‘M-My mother and my work colleagues all know about Michelle and that I’ll be putting Mike into storage for a while.’
‘Good! In that case I’m sure we can do a convincing job in transforming you, but we also need to discuss your boobs.’
‘Wha-what about them?’
‘As a dancer you don’t want large breasts as they will impede your movement, but you do need to look like a woman and will be wearing a variety of different clothes. The silicon enhancers that you borrowed last Saturday were alright with that rather modest dress that you had on, but there will be other occasions when you will need something a little more secure and reliable so you can wear a lower neckline or a backless dress without it being obvious.’
‘What do you suggest?’
‘There are some breast forms on the market which look realistic and are stuck to your chest. They can be fixed quite securely and won’t be too obvious, particularly if you learn how to create the illusion of a cleavage and disguise the joins with makeup.’
‘H-How easy will they be to take off?’ I asked.
‘They are removable with care, by using a solvent. As dancing is a fairly energetic activity I recommend that you should renew the glue each weekend after you’ve had a practice or demonstration. I’ll show you how to do it.’
‘How much will they cost?’ I asked, unsure about who would be expected to pay for them.
‘They’re quite expensive, about £150 to buy. I’ve discussed this with Sarah, and she and Rob are willing to meet the cost on the understanding that they are reimbursed from any profits that the Society makes from the training sessions.’
‘Alright then, go ahead, as long as I’m not expected to pay for them.’
‘I’ll measure you for them now and if we place an order straight away they should be delivered by the end of the week. In the meanwhile you can wear the existing breast enhancers.’
‘One other thing,’ I added. ‘Those clip-on earrings that I wore on Saturday were quite painful after a while; even if they did look good. May I pay you to pierce my ears?’
‘I was planning to do that anyway, and I’m sure that I can meet the cost of a pair of studs to keep the holes open. I’ll show you how to look after the holes so that they don’t become infected. You’ll have to manage with both the studs and the clip-ons for a little while but after a week or two you’ll be able to get yourself some nice earrings.’
‘W-will the holes in my ears be obvious when I got back to being Mike?’
‘No; they’ll probably close up once you stop wearing earrings regularly.’
‘Alright Joan, in that case you can go ahead and do your worst.’
‘Good, so get undressed as far as your shorts so we can measure you for your new boobs and I’ll make a start de-fuzzing your arms and legs.’
I did as I was told. After taking the required chest measurements Joan began inspecting my arms and legs for any sign of hair.
‘I-I think you’ll find them to be pretty smooth, I went over them with my mother’s razor last night once I’d knew that I would be dancing as Michelle again. I also borrowed her depilatory cream to use on my arm pits.’
‘Well that saves me a job. How about your chin?’ she asked, inspecting it carefully.
‘I’m quite lucky; I only need to shave once a week,’
‘Good, but it might be as well to shave more regularly, in future, just to be on the safe side.’
Joan showed me how to tape the breast enhancers in place so that once I’d put on a push-up bra I appeared to have a visible, although not particularly large cleavage.
‘Do you know how put your testes back into your body cavity so you can tuck your penis out of the way between your legs?’
‘N-No, is that going to hurt?’
‘I don’t believe so. I’m told that after you’ve done it a few times it will come easily to you. I’ll show you how to make a gaff to hold your penis out of the way without your having to use sticky tape,’ she said.
‘Go on then,’ I replied.
‘First of all you cut the feet off an old pair of socks to create a tube, and also cut the waistband off an old pair of tights. You then insert the waistband through the tube, and insert your legs through the resulting loops, but first of all we will need to go to the staff washroom and I’ll show you what to do with your testes.’
Ten minutes later we emerged from the washroom with me wearing a pair of elasticated panties over the home made gaff, which together gave no sign of any male organ underneath.
‘It feels a little unusual down there, but there’s no real discomfort. I guess that after a day or two dressed like this I’ll hardly notice,’ I said.
‘At least this way you should have no difficulty when you have to go to the toilet. Also, these gaffs are inexpensive to make yourself so you’ll be able to wear a clean one every day. You can now put on a camisole and I’ll loan you a dressing gown to wear whilst we fix your hair and makeup.’
By five thirty the last client had left the salon and the other assistants made their way to the backroom to collect their belongings before leaving. Joan had finished the braids in my hair and was beginning to sew on the swatches of shoulder-length natural hair extensions. I received a couple of compliments and nobody seemed to be particularly surprised to see what she was doing to me. I got the impression that they’d dealt with guys undergoing such a transition before.
‘When I’ve finished with your hair, we’ll go through to the main salon, and give you a style and also fix the extensions to your nails.’
By seven o’clock I possessed shoulder length hair, long manicured and polished finger nails, new studs in my ears and full eyelashes. We then stopped for a cup of coffee and for Joan to have a cigarette.
‘I’ll need to add some more shape to your eyebrows; after that we can make a start on your makeup,’ she commented, closely examining my face.
‘Will you be showing me how I need to fix my makeup for when I am dancing?’
‘I won’t have time to do so today; the best time to do that will be when you next go dancing. I’ll be around to help you on the Saturday afternoons until you are able manage by yourself. It is more important for you learn how to do your everyday makeup for the time being.’
‘You’re the expert,’ I replied.
‘You have nice facial features for a girl, but your eyes and lips are going to need greater definition to look their best. You should get used to wearing makeup and refreshing it from time to time during the day.’
‘Sarah showed me how to put on lipstick and mascara last week.’
‘That’s a start, but you’ll also need to learn about how to apply the right foundation to match your skin tone, and how to give more depth to your eyes using different eye shadows, and to emphasise them with eyeliner.’
‘My mother has also promised to help me until I’m able to cope by myself.’
‘Good, but you need to learn to do it for yourself and also to look after your hair as you won’t always be able to rely on other women to help.’
Joan certainly took her task seriously as my transformation and makeover eventually took nearly five hours to complete. It was 9.30 before she allowed me to put on Sarah’s dress and a pair of five inch heels, donated to me by Louise. I was then invited to look at myself in their full-length mirror.
‘So, what do you think, Michelle?’
‘I may be biased, but I believe that I look pretty good,’ I said.
‘So do I,’ she responded, smiling.
‘Thank you for all the time and effort you have devoted to me, so far.’
‘It has been my pleasure, but your part of the bargain is to complete those demonstrations for the Society. I’ll also be expecting you to maintain a high standard of personal grooming over the next few weeks, and will let you know if I think standards are being allowed to slip.’
‘I’ll do my best, and I’m sure that Sarah and my mother will also be keeping an eye on me.’
‘Good! I’ll see you again when your breast forms arrive. In the meanwhile, here’s a ‘goody bag’ containing some make-up samples and a few other items that you’re going to need over the next few weeks,’ she said handing me over a largish sponge bag.’
Everyone seemed to be keen to help Michelle adapt to her new life.
‘Thanks Joan, for everything,’ I said as I left the salon feeling like a new person.
Thanks to Bronwen for editing and to everyone else for comments and kudos which are always appreciated. I shall be overseas for the next two weeks and cannot promise when I will publish the next chapter, but will try to do so on 28 December. If I am unable to do so I will catch up as soon as possible after my return on 5 January. In the meanwhile, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all readers. Louise
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Michelle emerges from her cocoon
Ballroom dancing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realise just how important it would become in shaping my future, until I had to take the place of one of my bosses following an accident.
Dancing Queen A novel by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
It is difficult to explain exactly how I felt as I left Joan’s salon just before ten o’clock. My ears felt sore where they’d recently been pierced and I was conscious of the tightness of the braids to which my hair extensions were sewn. I also felt a little trussed up wearing the gaff down below and was still not entirely used to walking in heels or having long nails. Yet in spite of all these minor discomforts I felt absolutely wonderful; even better than when I stepped off the dance floor with Alan on Saturday afternoon, with the applause ringing in my ears. It was a question of knowing that my clothes, hair and makeup all looked exactly right and this time there were no compromises so that my mother would not notice. It was the confidence that comes with knowing that I would be remaining as Michelle for the next six weeks and I had no need to disguise the fact from my family, friends or workmates. I was now anxious to get home and see Mum’s reaction as soon as possible.
I’d reminded Mum where I was going after work so that there was no need for her to worry about my late arrival. However, she had called me at about 7.00pm to ask about my plans for dinner and I could tell she was impatient to meet her new daughter. I’d suggested that she should go ahead without me and that I expected to be home by ten thirty. It was just as well that Sarah had loaned me the office car as I now had the suitcase, a cardboard box and several packages to carry home with me. There was no way in which I would be able to drive in those heels but I’d notice a pair of flats in the case from Louise, which I put on before stowing the remainder of my luggage in the boot and driving home. I parked in the street near to our house and quickly changed back into my smart high-heeled shoes before I went in to the house with the suitcase. The other packages could be left in the car until later.
Mum had seen a video of me dancing and one or two photographs of me dressed as a girl, but she’d yet to meet Michelle in person.
‘Hi Mum, I’m home,’ I called out as I let myself in the front door and walked in to the living room, and put down the suitcase in the corner of the room.
There was an audible intake of breath from my mother as I entered the room and she caught sight of me.
‘So, what do you think?’ I asked, smiling.
‘I don’t know what to say,’ she replied.
‘I trust you haven’t changed your mind, about Michelle, I’m rather committed to looking like this for a while,’ I replied, suddenly beginning to wonder whether I’d done the right thing.
‘No, I haven’t changed my mind; you look really lovely. I was just a little taken aback because you reminded me of how I looked at your age.’
‘Really?’
‘Just wait for a moment.’
She disappeared to her bedroom and brought back a photograph of herself which she handed to me. She was wearing a beautiful carmine and silver ballroom dress with matching floats attached to armbands decorated with rhinestones. She looked absolutely wonderful.
‘This was taken when I was about your age and had just won my first competition. It was before I met your father.’
Having just been staring at my reflection for a few hours as Joan did her work, I could see that there was undoubtedly a facial resemblance between the two of us. Even our hair styles looked similar.
‘I see what you mean,’ I said. ‘Well if I can look as good as you did on that day, and dance as well, I don’t think I’ll need to worry too much about the next six weeks.’
She didn’t respond and looked a little sad, as if she was remembering a previous life.
‘By the way, whatever happened to that dress?’ I asked, attempting to change the subject.
‘It is up in the attic, somewhere, along with all my other costumes,’ she said wistfully.
I was about to sit down, but Mum’s mood had now changed.
‘What have you brought home in that suitcase?’ she asked.
‘A couple of the ladies in the Society have been passed on to me some of their unwanted clothes to wear. There’s also some more items in a box in the car outside and a carrier bag full of cosmetics for me to use.’
‘In that case we’re going to need to sort out your bedroom tonight. I’ve already been out and bought you some items of underwear and found some of my clothes that you can use as well. I’ll take the case and you can go out and collect everything else from the car so we can see what you have and what we’re going to need to buy for you over the next few days.’
By midnight I’d hung all my new clothes in my wardrobe or else put them neatly away in the chest of drawers. We also moved a dressing table from the spare room into my bedroom so that I would have somewhere convenient to store and put on my makeup.
‘I’ve found a number of other things that you are going to need as Michelle,’ said Mum.
She gave me a pretty comb and brush set, a manicure set, some curling tongs, and some eyelash curlers.
‘Aren’t you going to need these?’ I asked.
‘The comb and brush, and manicure sets are both spares, given to me by my mother. I no longer bother with using the others. Once you get to my age you tend to simplify your beauty regime, but you are going to need to learn how to look after your hair and makeup properly if you are going to be a successful dancer. In any event, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t enjoy looking good whilst you can.’
(Mum sometimes seemed to know what was going on in my mind, without me spelling it out.)
‘Thanks Mum.’
‘There are also a couple of handbags which are in good condition which might suit a girl of your age, and one of my outdoor coats that you may have.’
‘Good, I borrowed some from Sarah last week, but it will be good to have my own.’
As a result of these various new acquisitions I was forced to transfer most of Mike’s clothes into storage in the spare room.
‘You may borrow one of my nightdresses for tonight and I’ll get you one of your own and some more tights and underclothes when I go to town tomorrow. Otherwise you seem to have enough clothes to be going on with.’
‘I can manage with my own pyjamas,’ I said.
‘No you can’t. I’m not having a daughter of mine wearing men’s pyjamas, what would people say if there were to be a fire and the house burned down.’
I wasn’t absolutely sure whether she was being serious or just teasing me a little.
‘I’m going to enjoy having you as my daughter for the next six weeks or so.’
At that moment, dressed as I was, and feeling the way I did, I had no particular wish to argue.
If my arrival at work on Monday morning had been a source of disappointment to Helen, it was quite the reverse the following morning.
‘Wow, just look at you, Michelle! You look really great with that hair style; you look even prettier than you did last week,’ she said as we both arrived at the shop at the same time.
‘Thanks,’ I replied, smiling, as I took off the flat heels that I’d been wearing in the car and replaced them with some medium heeled court shoes.
I was dressed in a charcoal grey, short sleeved belted dress with a round neck and side pockets, which Mum had given to me as she felt it would be suitable for the office. It had a zip fastening down the back, which I would have to get used to, but was also fully lined and so felt comfortable to wear.
‘You always look smart, when you come in to work, I was just trying to follow your example,’ I offered in response, as I took my seat, smoothing the skirt as I did so.
‘Maybe, but I’ve had twenty-three years of experience dressing as a girl, whereas you’ve only had one week. Your hair and makeup also look great, did you do them yourself?’
‘My hair is due to the efforts of the stylist that I went to see yesterday, and Mum helped me to choose and to put on some makeup.’
‘So your Mum doesn’t mind about Michelle then?’
‘No, quite the opposite, I get the impression that she’s keen to see me dancing once again even if it is in the female role.’
‘So it looks as if I’m going to be working with Michelle for the next few weeks.’
‘I’m afraid so. Mike has been put into storage in the spare room until the end of November.’
‘I have an eleven o’clock appointment but should be back by one if you would like to have lunch together again. You can tell me about your plans.’
‘Alright, I should like that.’
The others arrived in the office soon afterwards and greeted me and also complimented me on the way I looked, (something which had never happened to Mike) and we all settled down to a normal day’s work. Richard, in particular seemed to have lost any trace of awkwardness towards me and now seemed to treat in a friendly manner just as he would Helen or Sarah.
At ten o’clock, the Johnsons came in and asked to speak with me. Dealing with the clients who came into the shop would not normally have been one of my duties as the office junior, but Sarah gave me a quick nod to confirm that I should go ahead.
‘Hello again Mr and Mrs Johnson, how can I help you?’ I asked cheerily.
‘I see you’ve had your hair done, dear. It does look nice,’ commented Mrs Johnson.
‘Thank you,’ I replied, smiling.
‘Last week you gave us some details of a house in Houghton Regis, and we would now like to ask you a few questions and then perhaps arrange to have a look around it,’ Mrs Johnson replied.
Their questions were all quite straightforward and I was able to answer them to their satisfaction, either from my local knowledge or the house specifications. In fact I couldn’t really see why they couldn’t have asked them of Helen when they came in the previous day.
‘Now when will you be free to view the property?’ I asked
‘What about Friday morning.’ Mrs Johnson suggested.
I looked at the office diary.
‘Friday morning will be fine. The house is empty at present and so one of my colleagues will meet you at the gate and show you around,’ I said.
They thanked me and went to leave.
‘It’s a pity she couldn’t show us round as she was so helpful last week,’ said Mrs Johnson to her husband as they went out of the door.
It was nice to know that she’d noticed and had also commented within earshot of my boss. Once they had left Helen, who was about to leave for her appointment, turned to. Sarah
‘It is going to be difficult for me to get out to Houghton after my nine-thirty appointment in Luton on Friday. Why can’t Michelle show them around?’
Sarah turned towards me.
‘I don’t think you’ve shown clients round a house before. Would you feel confident enough to do so?’ Sarah asked me.
‘I don’t see why not. I’ve given out the details of houses often enough and listened to the way in which you and Helen deal with the customers.’
‘I know that; but would you feel confident in doing so as Michelle?’
I smiled.
‘After my makeover yesterday, I feel more confident in dealing with customers as Michelle than I would previously have done as Mike. Also I don’t seem to stammer as much when I’m Michelle.’
‘Yes, we’d all noticed that. In that case, let’s see how you get on with them on Friday!’
After ten thirty there was only Sarah and myself left in the office, I was then dealing with our weekly advertisement in the local newspaper. Sarah was busy writing the specifications for a number of properties that had recently been re-possessed — a sad result of the bursting of the 2006-7 property bubble, which represented tragedies for the individuals concerned but was keeping us in business.
‘Michelle, would you mind if I took these in to the back office and left you to manage the phones and the shop on your own? You could always call me if it gets too busy.’
‘Yes, of course. I’ll tell you if I need you but I’m sure that I shall be ok.’
It had been ten days since Sarah’s accident, and this was yet one more thing that Mike had never been trusted to do on his own before.
Next time: Another lunch with Helen
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Helen and Michellehave another ‘heart-to-heart’ discussion.
Ballroom dancing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realise just how important it would become in shaping my future, until I had to take the place of one of my bosses following an accident.
Dancing Queen A novel by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Rob returned to the office just before one o’clock on Tuesday followed by Helen soon afterwards, so Sarah suggested that Helen and I should take our lunch breaks at the same time.
‘In that case shall we have lunch together again Michelle?’ Helen suggested.
‘Fine, but I was only planning to have a coffee and a panini at Latte Heaven in High Street South.’
‘That suits me,’ she replied.
It seemed that Helen was once again happy to have lunch with me.
‘So how have things been this morning?’Helen asked as we took our toasted sandwiches and coffee to a vacant table.
‘The office was pretty busy after you left. Also Sarah needed to finish those new specs so I was left manning the shop by myself. I must have dealt with nine or ten enquiries but, I seem to have coped alright. I thought it would become less busy as a result of the economic down turn.’
‘No, not at the moment; those people that have been given notice of redundancy or otherwise found they have over-extended themselves are frantically trying to downsize, and those who aren’t too affected by the downturn are looking to pick up a bargain,’ said Helen.
‘I didn’t mind it being busy though.’
‘You never used to be so keen on dealing with clients and tended to hide yourself away behind your computer screen doing clerical work.’
‘That was Mike,’ I replied.
(It now seemed quite natural for me to be referring to my former self in the third person.)
‘As you know he tended to stammer when dealing with people face-to face.’
‘But not Michelle - that is odd,’ she commented. ‘Yet Mike didn’t stammer as much when answering the telephone.’
‘I know, but then he used to feel self-conscious of his high-pitched voice which was sometimes mistaken for that of a girl.’
‘But of course that is no longer a problem for Michelle,’ she said smiling.
‘No it isn’t; at least not for the time being. As Michelle I feel more confident and relaxed and so tend to be friendlier and more at ease with callers.’
‘Yes, I can see that. You’re also easier to chat with, as well.’
I’d also noticed this about myself but didn’t really want to get into a discussion of why it should be so. I therefore looked for another topic of conversation.
‘By the way, thanks for suggesting to Sarah that I should show the Johnsons around that property on Friday.
‘That’s alright; it would have been a rush for me to fit them in and in any event it’s time they gave you an opportunity to show what you can do when dealing with clients.’
‘Sarah’s accident seems to be providing me with different opportunities to prove that I can be relied upon to do a good job.’
‘Me too!’ she replied. ‘But in your case I don’t think it is just a result of the accident. As we’ve just discussed, Michelle seems to be a different person and inspire more confidence. I doubt whether that elderly couple would have specifically asked for you to show them around if you’d been dressed as Mike on the first occasion you met them.’
I didn’t answer; no matter how much I tried to avoid it, the conversation always seemed to return to me and my future. Helen could see that I was beginning to get embarrassed and so changed the subject.
‘We’ve not had much chance to talk together since last week; tell me what happened last Saturday.’
(In fact she’d had plenty of opportunity to ask me this the previous day when I was in the office dressed as Mike, but had chosen not to do so. Perhaps she was right and that it had been more difficult for her to have a friendly chat with Mike?)
I shrugged.
‘As I said, my new partner and I seemed to dance quite well together and there were no problems. Afterwards, the committee discussed the question of Sarah’s replacement and there were no volunteers or obvious candidates except for the two of us so we’ve been asked to perform the next four demonstrations.’
‘With you dancing the woman’s part for them all?’
‘Alan is more than six feet tall and quite well built; I don’t think he would look very good wearing a dress.’
‘But you do,’ she responded, as if were a truth, universally acknowledged.
‘So it would seem,’ I admitted.
‘So how does your mother feel about you spending all this time as a young woman?’ she asked.
‘Mum seems to welcome the idea of having a daughter for a while, especially if it means that I’m going to be dancing once again.’
‘I suppose, more to the point, how do you feel about the idea?’ she asked.
I thought for a moment before answering, trying to work out my own feelings. I decided the best idea would be to focus on the dancing, as that was the reason for the existence of Michelle.
‘The idea came as a bit of a shock at first, but everyone in the Ballroom Dancing Society has been so encouraging to me. Also, it is going to provide me with the chance to partner a really good dancer.’
Helen smiled as if this wasn’t the full answer and she was expecting me to enlarge upon my comments.
‘I assumed that I knew all about ballroom dancing, but I’m beginning to discover that I only ever saw things from a male perspective and that there is a lot more for me to learn.’
This answer didn’t satisfy her though.
‘But it isn’t just about the dancing, is it?’ ‘How do you feel about having to live and work as Michelle, as well?’
The conversation was back to discussing my future once again. She would only be satisfied once I’d come clean about how I felt.
‘Now that I’m getting used to the idea and wearing the clothes and makeup, I must admit that I’ve been rather enjoying myself as a girl, both at home and at work.’
‘There’s a lot more to being female than just wearing nice clothes and makeup.’
‘I realise that, but following my makeover yesterday I feel more confident and I’m no longer worried that I might give myself away, if I go out or have to talk to someone new.’
‘Would it matter that much if you did give yourself away.’
‘Yes, it would matter to me. If I’m going to be Michelle for the next few weeks, then I want to do it properly, both as a dancer and also at other times.‘
‘You seem to have slotted into the new role quite easily so far, and we both agree that you are more confident than you were either as Mike or as Michelle last week.’
‘I’ve been doing my best to look at the way girls walk, talk and gesture with their hands and to copy them, but without going too far.’
‘I noticed as we were walking here that you were beginning to move more like a girl.’
‘I’m gradually getting used to wearing high heels which encourage me to take shorter steps and gently swing my hips as I walk.’
‘You’re also using your hands in a more feminine way.’
‘Am I? I suppose I’m more conscious of them since having these nail extensions.
’I think you are doing fine. I don’t believe anyone coming in to the shop would realise that you were really a guy.’
‘I hope not but I do wonder where it is going leave me when I come to change back in mid November.’
‘We’ll just have to wait and see, won’t we?’
I didn’t reply and fortunately Helen decided to change the subject.
‘What dances will you be demonstrating the Saturday after next?’ she asked.
‘The Viennese Waltz and the Quickstep.’
‘I thought that you’d already demonstrated the waltz.’
‘The Viennese waltz is the original form of the waltz which is danced to about 180 beats per minute, compared to the slower, more popular ‘English waltz’ that we demonstrated last week.’
‘Is it difficult to dance?’
‘Yes and no. It’s a rotary dance where the dancers are turning toward the leading couple’s right and then to the left, with change steps to switch the direction of rotation ,’ I said trying to demonstrate with my hands, and noticing how nice my nails now looked, as I did so.
‘That looks complicated to me.’
‘It can be danced at a basic level, but as with other ballroom dances, takes some time and effort to learn to dance really well. The true Viennese waltz consists only of turns and change steps whereas the ‘American-style’ is a little more elaborate with fleckerls, and side sway turns which are modern inventions.’
‘Fleckerls? Aren’t they a type of pasta?’ asked Helen.
I smiled
‘No, a fleckerl is a dance step, a turn which doesn’t move forwards along the dance floor but instead rotates on the spot. However, on this occasion we will be demonstrating the earlier, more formal version, where the couples do not pass one another, but turn continuously left and right while travelling anti-clockwise around the floor, following each other.’
‘It sounds very complicated.’
‘Not really. The dance requires the woman to be fairly light on her feet but is relatively easy to learn and there’s not a lot to go wrong. The other couples involved have all danced it many times before. We will just have to ensure that they are capable of following our lead. Alan and I will be trying it out tonight and we will have a full rehearsal with the others on Saturday morning.’
‘How about the Quickstep?’ Helen asked.
‘That is a little more difficult. It’s a less regulated and more light-hearted type of dance, but one which requires equally fast footwork. In some ways it is a faster version of the Foxtrot, consisting of quick stepping and syncopated feet rhythms in time to the music. The routine that I have designed is quite difficult to perform, but on this occasion only Alan and I will be dancing and so we will have to practice tonight. There will be no opportunity to hide any slips between us.’
‘Well good luck! I hope to be able to come and see you dance on Saturday week. Richard is going to show me how to operate a second video camera and wants me to film you as well, so he will be able to edit the shots together in order to make a better video clip than last time.’
‘In that case I’ll have to make sure we get it right.’
‘I do envy you, Michelle, being able to dance so well. Ballroom dancing seems so glamorous when I see it on television.’
‘It is only a question of learning the steps and a little practice. We run classes for beginners, if you are interested.’
‘I would have to find a partner anxious to learn first. Most guys that I meet would only be interested in dancing to Electronic music at clubs or at raves: house music , garage, techno, that sort of thing.’
‘I’m afraid that the clubbing and rave scenes have tended to pass me by,’ I admitted. ‘Most ballroom dancers go no further than rock ’n roll or maybe disco. I understand that the movements are not predefined and the dance is performed randomly, with dancers taking inspiration from the music or their mood. That is rather the opposite of what most ballroom dancers are seeking to achieve.’
‘Maybe, but it can be fun all the same. You should try clubbing some time, Michelle, you might find that you enjoyed it.’
‘I’d be frightened that if I danced with a guy he might be expecting something else as well, and then be in for a nasty shock,’ I said, smiling.
I wasn’t sure how I would feel about dancing with a guy in a social setting. The advantage of dancing with Alan was that he was clearly only interested in the dancing, and nothing more.
‘I don’t think you would need to worry. These days Guys don’t treat club dancing as a cattle market as they used to. If you dance with a guy and then want to dance with another, or with a girl, or just by yourself that will be fine.’
‘I’ll think about it.’
The conversation ended inconclusively as Helen and I noticed the time and hurriedly made our way back to the office.
The rest of the afternoon was busy but otherwise fairly uneventful. Everyone in the office now treated me as Michelle and there was no further reference to Mike; it was as if he had ceased to exist.
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Learning the Quickstep
and how to deal with guys Ballroom dancing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realise just how important it would become in shaping my future, until I had to take the place of one of my bosses following an accident.
Dancing Queen A novel by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
As soon as the office closed on Tuesday evening I changed out of the blouse and skirt suit that I’d been wearing for work into a pink tracksuit that Louise had donated to me, to await the arrival of Alan to take me to our first rehearsal. I’d toyed with the idea of wearing a dress but decided that was not really necessary for a first run through. I selected the outfit as there was a matching pair of high heeled sneakers to dance in. Although I was now quite used to walking in heels I was going to need as much practice dancing in them as possible.
I was waiting outside as Alan’s car drew up.
‘Hi Michelle, you’re looking very smart again today,’ said Alan as he arrived. ‘It looks as if Joan has done a good job on your transformation.’
I smiled and thanked him. I never tired of receiving compliments; it made the trouble that I’d taken to ensure that my hair and makeup looked alright seem worthwhile.
‘I’m still waiting for a new pair of breast forms to arrive but they should be here in good time for our dress rehearsal.’ I said as I got in his car.
One thing I liked about Alan was that having once danced with me, he now accepted me as I was.
‘So what treats have you planned for us for our next demonstration?’ he asked as we went on to the dance floor.
Although he was a better dancer than me, I was the more experienced choreographer and so he was happy enough to leave it up to me to work out our routine and choose the appropriate music.
‘I thought that for the Viennese Waltz all four couples could dance to the waltz from ‘The Godfather‘ with the two of us taking the lead.
‘Fine, I’m sure you’ve designed an excellent routine,’ he replied.
’Then, for the Quickstep, how would you feel if we were to have a go at ‘Let's face the Music and Dance’
‘Surely not the Astaire and Rogers sequence?’
‘Do you think that it’s a bit dated these days?’ I asked.
‘Not at all, it really is the high point for the Quickstep; but aren’t we being a little ambitious with all those spins?’
‘I’m willing to have a go if you are,’ I said, smiling. ‘But it might be better if we use the recording by Nat King Cole.’
‘O.K., you’re the boss; at least when it comes to choosing what to dance.’
As expected, the Viennese Waltz would be unlikely to present us with too many problems, and we agreed that the other dancers were all sufficiently experienced to be able to cope with my plans. However, our Quickstep routine was going to be a challenge, although we still had ten days in which to get it right. We were both so engrossed in practising that neither of us noticed the time go by and before we knew it, it was 10.30pm and time to go. We had made some progress and had the opening sorted, but there was still a lot to do and so we decided to need to meet again for some more practice on Thursday evening.
‘Alan, would you mind if I invited my mother to come along and give her opinion of our performance next time? She and my father won a medal for their Quickstep in the 1980s.’
‘By all means, do so. I’ll invite David to come along as well, so that he doesn’t think that I’ve abandoned him for my attractive new dance partner.’
By the time I got home it was 11.30 and Mum had gone to bed.
Wednesday morning was the 1st of October and I travelled in to work on the 31 bus service dressed as Michelle for the first time. Although I recognised several of the regular travellers waiting at the bus stop, nobody seemed to recognise me or look at me at all oddly. I therefore assumed that my long hair, makeup and different clothing provided me with enough of a disguise. Getting on and off the bus wearing heels proved to be a little more problematic than usual, but I felt sure that I’d get used to it, after all, other girls managed. During the half hour bus ride I read a free magazine and for the first time began to take an interest in some of the fashion features.
It proved to be another busy day at work, with Helen, Richard and Rob out for most of the time showing clients around houses or else measuring up and taking the details of new properties coming on to the market. Sarah was still suffering from her impaired mobility and found it awkward to get up from her desk and so I dealt with most of the customers who came through the door. Once again, I found that I was enjoying this aspect of the work and those people that I dealt with tended to be friendlier towards me and more willing to chat. By the end of the day I was fairly tired and so was quite happy to spend the evening at home with Mum, who naturally wanted a detailed account of how Alan and I had got on with our practice the night before.
‘The Viennese Waltz should be alright but the Quickstep is going to need some more practice,’ I explained.
She asked me what we were planning and I explained about the famous Astaire Rogers routine from Follow the Fleet, which we watched together on You Tube.
‘I doubt whether Alan and I will ever be able to dance as good as that,’ I commented.
‘Maybe not; but there’s no reason why you shouldn’t have a reasonable stab at it, all the same.’
‘Do you think so?’
‘As you know, the steps themselves are fairly straightforward but, as the name implies, they are performed very fast.’
‘Yes, the dancers need to keep their upper bodies upright and stable whilst their legs are going like mad,’ I added.
‘I found that the main problem with the Quickstep for the lady dancer is when she has to keep up with her partner without seeming to be struggling to do so,’ Mum explained. ‘It isn’t easy to do this as a woman’s stride is shorter than the man’s, especially if she’s wearing a long dress.’
‘So I’m beginning to discover.’
‘But there are one or two tricks you can use,’ she continued.
She proceeded to demonstrate them to me, so that after an hour or so I felt a lot more confident.
‘Would you be willing to come and see us practice tomorrow night and let us know what you think?’
‘Yes, of course, I would love to do so, but first we should discuss the matter of your costumes. What are you planning to wear?’ asked Mum.
‘I hadn’t really thought about it. I was leaving it to Sarah to organise.’
‘Ideally you should wear a fairly traditional ballroom dress with floats for the Viennese Waltz, as they will tend to guide the eye movements of the audience to focus on the dancers and also give a sense of direction.’
(A float is a lightweight piece of material sewn at each cuff of long sleeves, or on wristbands in the case of sleeveless dresses.)
‘I hadn’t realised that floats served any practical purpose. I’d always assumed they were purely there for decoration,’ I confessed.
Mum rolled her eyes in disbelief. I was beginning to see that there were aspects of ballroom dancing of which I knew very little.
‘I’ve never really thought too much about female dance costumes,’ I admitted. ‘I always assumed it was up to the lady herself what she chose to wear.’
‘Yes, it is but there are certain basic things that need to be taken into account.’
‘Such as?’
‘Ballroom dance dresses are not the same as those that you might wear to work or for a social gathering. They need to look good whilst also allowing for the free movement of arms and legs. That’s why they tend to be made of light or stretchy fabrics such as silk, chiffon, Lycra, or Spandex.’
‘I suppose that is the reason why the dresses are often long and flowing.’
‘Yes, at least those that are designed for traditional ballroom dances, but they mustn’t be so long that they hide the feet, which must be visible to the judges at all times. Dresses designed for the Latin dances are usually shorter and tend to be more colourful; they are often designed to show off the dancer’s hip action.’
‘I may know about dance steps and body posture in ballroom dancing but I’d never given much thought to the importance of the woman’s costume before now.’
‘I’m sure that most male dancers feel the same way, but I hope you will now begin to revise your opinion, Michelle, in the light of your recent experience.’
‘I’ll do my best but I’m afraid that I only have one ballroom dress available at the moment. Sarah is trying to arrange for me to borrow some others for the later demonstrations in the series.’
‘Hmm, and that dress won’t be ideal for the Quickstep either; you’ll need something a little more colourful and fun to wear,’ continued Mum, seemingly talking to herself. ‘Maybe I should have a word with Sarah and volunteer my services.’
Thursday at work was also quite busy as Sarah was out for most of the day as she had an out patient’s appointment at the hospital. As a result Helen and I ran the office for most of the day. Alan telephoned at one point to make arrangements for our practice session that evening, and I confirmed that Mum would also be there. He then offered that he and David could collect us from our home and give us a lift to the dance studio. When Rob eventually brought Sarah back in to work she had a shorter plaster cast which allowed her a little more leg movement and enabled her to walk with a stick rather than crutches. She was still going to be out of action for a few weeks, but things had begun to improve. I gave Rob a series of phone messages that I’d taken for him during the course of the day.
‘Thanks, Michelle, it seems that business is beginning to pick up again.’
‘I hope so.’
‘I understand that you will be showing some clients around a property at Houghton tomorrow morning.’
‘Yes, it will be my first time and I’m quite looking forward to it,’ I replied.
‘Make sure you are well prepared and can answer any of their questions.’
‘Yes, I will do my best.’
‘How are you getting out to Houghton?’
‘I was planning to get a 37 or 38 bus.’
‘It would be more sensible for you take the office car home tonight?’ You’ll then be able to drive straight over to the house tomorrow without coming in to work first.’
‘Yes please, if I may.’
Fortunately I had left a pair of flat heeled shoes in my locker at work after driving in on Tuesday.
As I was getting out of the office car, one of our neighbours (a guy who’d never so much as acknowledged me during the five years that we’d lived at our present house) stopped to wish me a good evening. He had just got out of a large and flashy car (which no doubt served to compensate for other inadequacies on his part).
‘You’re new to the area, aren’t you sweetheart? I don’t remember seeing you before,’ he said after I’d briefly acknowledged his initial greeting with a nod.
‘Yes, I’m staying with my Aunt for a few weeks,’ I replied.
‘In that case I hope to see you around,’ he said with a self-satisfied smile.
‘Not if I see you first,’ I thought to myself as I smiled sweetly in reply, but didn’t do anything to prolong the conversation in case it might encourage him to ask me out.
It occurred to me that whilst it might be good fun being a girl for most of the time I was going to need to learn how to deal with such encounters over the next few weeks. At the same time, though, it was quite gratifying to be noticed!
Thanks to Bronwen for editing and to everyone else for comments and kudos which are always appreciated.Louise
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Mum comments on my dancing
and I show my first couple round a house Ballroom dancing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realise just how important it would become in shaping my future, until I had to take the place of one of my bosses following an accident.
Dancing Queen A novel by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Chapter 14 — Mum’s opinion, and Michelle’s first viewing
As a result of Mum’s advice, I had a clearer idea of what was required of me in the Quickstep and Alan had also been practicing. As a result, we made a much better job than for our first run-through than we’d previously done on Tuesday. By our fourth attempt that evening I was no longer so worried that we’d been overly ambitious in our choice of routine, and was beginning to look forward to the next performance.
‘That last routine was very good indeed,’ said David, applauding as we decided to take a short break. ‘You could have the makings of the next ‘Fred and Ginger!’
‘Not with my present hair colouring,’ I replied, laughing.
However, I knew that Mum would not be quite such an easy critic and would certainly have some observations and suggestions to make.
‘So what did you think, Mum?’ I asked.
‘Not too bad! There were a couple of times when you went slightly wrong, so you are going to need some more practice but you do at least seem to dancing like a couple rather than two individuals.
I grinned at Alan and he smiled back.
‘Shall we show them our Viennese Waltz?’ I asked Alan.
‘OK then.’
The Waltz went without a hitch and Mum and David expressed themselves satisfied with our performance, it was merely a question of having a practice session with the other couples to ensure that they followed our lead.
‘We should be able to do that during the normal club practice session next Tuesday evening,’ said Alan.
‘Alright, I’ll notify everyone concerned,’ I replied.
We were about to return to practising the Quickstep when Mum asked about costume once again.
‘What about your shoes, Michelle?’ she asked.
‘I’ll be wearing the ones that I currently have on,’ I replied, not sure what she meant.
‘Oh.’
‘What’s wrong with them?’ I asked.
‘They should be alright for dancing the Waltz but they’re not ideal for the Quickstep. You really need more support over the arch to hold the foot comfortably and securely in the shoe,’ she commented.
As far as I was concerned, a lady’s dance shoe was a lady’s dance shoe, but clearly there was more to it than that.
‘I’m afraid they are the only pair I will have available, Sarah has loaned them to me.’
‘Do you still take a size six?’
I nodded.
‘In that case I may have a pair up in the loft that you can use.’
‘How about you, Alan, what will you be wearing for the demonstration?’
‘These shoes and the tail suit that I wore last time; I am borrowing it from David’ he replied.
She clearly wasn’t impressed by that either.
‘That suit was too small for you. I could see that from the video.’
‘Maybe, but I can’t really afford to get myself a new one at present.’
Alan had a job working at the distribution centre for a supermarket chain, but I doubted whether he made a lot of spare money, and ballroom dancing can be an expensive business.
‘There is a tail suit in my attic, which I feel sure would fit you better,’ said Mum, smiling.
‘Really?’ said Alan.
‘Yes, it used to belong to my late husband when we went dancing together. I kept all his dance costumes after he died in case my son ever had need of them, but he took after me and stopped growing too soon for them to be of any use to him,’ she said talking as if her son was no longer present. ‘I’m sure it is in good condition, and there are some other male dance costumes as well, if you are interested.
‘Well, if you’re sure, Mrs Williams, I’d be happy to have a look at them.’
‘Of course you would have to get them down from the loft for me, but you are welcome to try them on.’
‘Thank you.’
‘There is also a much better pair of shoes for Michelle, with a double strap, in a suitcase in the loft somewhere. Would there any chance that you and your friend could get them down for me sometime soon?’
Alan turned to David, who nodded.
‘We could have a look for you this evening, if you like, when we give you a lift home.’
‘Good, at least then we’ll know that you’ll both be alright for Saturday week.’
An hour and a half later the two guys had retrieved four large suitcases from our attic and deposited them in our spare bedroom. After quickly looking through a couple of them, Mum found a tail suit, a dinner jacket, a pair of grey trousers and a couple of fancy shirts which she handed to Alan.
‘Try these on; if they fit, you are welcome to have them.’
Mum and I left them for a few moments and then were called back. Alan was wearing the tail suit and one of the shirts and looked absolutely wonderful, although I wasn’t going to say so, as I didn’t want to excite any jealousy on the part of David.
‘What do you think, Michelle?’ he asked.
‘I think it fits you better than the other one,’ I said.
‘Yes, you look very smart indeed,’ added Mum. ‘As you are going to be dancing with my daughter, I should like you to have them.’
‘Thank you very much. Would you now like us to put the cases back in the loft for you?’ replied Alan.
‘No, don’t bother, for the time being, I have to find that pair of shoes for Michelle to wear and there may be one or two other costume items in here that she’ll be able to use over the next few weeks.’
‘In that case we’ll be happy to come back and put them back for you whenever you have had a chance to sort through them.’
‘He’s a nice looking guy, and a good dancer,’ commented Mum after they’d left. ‘It is a pity he’s spoken for.’
I blushed, not sure how to take her comment. She noticed my embarrassment.
‘You have the makings of a good dancer, too, Michelle‘
‘But only in the female role,’ I commented.
‘Yes! I’m afraid you never had the physique for a professional male dancer, but you do have elegance and a good sense of rhythm.’
I didn’t respond for a while, thinking that maybe she was right.
‘Mum, you referred to me as your daughter earlier, when you spoke to Alan.’
‘Well I did warn you that you could be my son or my daughter, but not both. Looking the way you do at present, I could hardly refer to you as my son.’
‘No, I suppose not.’
Neither of us spoke for a minute or two whilst we both took in the implications of what had just been said, but then Mum spoke once more.
‘I was happy to have a son, but at the same time I’d always wanted a daughter to be able to help with her dance costumes. Unfortunately your father and I left it too late to have any more children. That’s why I’m so pleased to have you as Michelle for a while. As I said last week, I’m really looking forward to the next few weeks.’
I could see from her expression that she meant it.
‘Me too; so far I’m enjoying being your daughter and looking forward to the next few weeks.
I was able to take my time getting dressed on Friday morning, as I had no need to go into work before showing the elderly couple around the house at Houghton Regis. I therefore fixed my hair and makeup on my own and felt that I’d made a pretty good job of it. Mum even commented that I looked like a professional young woman, as I was leaving. It was surprising what a difference it made to the way I felt about myself, knowing that I looked so good.
As I drove over towards Houghton Regis I gave some thought to how I was going to deal with the elderly couple. It seemed as if she was going to be the decision maker, he would just need a little stroking of his ego and then would go along with whatever she wanted. My sales pitch would have to be aimed at her, but I needed to be careful not to appear too pushy. I would therefore concentrate on those aspects that were likely to be of most interest to her. For example I would point out that the kitchen was somewhat larger and more conveniently sited compared with most modern houses in the area and that although the house needed superficial attention it could be modernised without them spending a great deal of money.
I arrived at the house about fifteen minutes before they were due to arrive so that I could have a preliminary look round and work out what I was going to say to them. I knew that the house was within their budget and was fairly close to their married daughter (which was their main reason for deciding to move). I also knew that they wouldn’t be able to afford a lot more. On the other hand the house was a little scruffy and run down, although it had potential and its condition was reflected in the asking price.
‘Hello, Mr and Mrs Johnson, thank you for coming, and it’s nice to see you again,’ I said as I opened the door to them.
(The first rule in showing someone around a house is to appear cheerful and welcoming when they arrive.)
‘Hello, young lady, we weren’t expecting to see you this morning,’ she replied.
‘I know, but my bosses have let me out of the office as a special treat today as I have been a good girl all week. Now please come in and I’ll show you around, and please call me Michelle.’
I began my tour of the house letting them enter each room first: that way they get more of an impression of spaciousness. I did my best to be positive, but also to be open and honest in answering their questions or responding to their observations. I did not seek to hide any of the faults, and didn't contradict when they pointed out the disadvantages. Yet at the same time I tried to get them to focus on the advantages it had to offer. My strategy and preparations seemed to work and within half an hour I felt that I developed a rapport with the couple. Eventually after about an hour of looking round the house followed by a brief discussion outside, I felt that I’d done everything I could.
‘If you have no more questions, and there is nothing that you would like to see again, I’ll leave you to consider whether or not it was what you are looking for,’ I said smiling.
‘Yes, thank you dear, we may be interested, but there is so much to take into account,’ she said.
‘Well, take your time, I’m not pressing you for a decision,’ but it would be nice to know one way or another.’
‘Yes of course, we’ll let your office know next week, but we do both appreciate the way you have shown us round and answered all our questions.’
I smiled and took my leave with them still looking at the front garden, discussing what might be done with it. As I drove back to the office I went through how things had gone in my mind. I felt reasonably satisfied with my performance. I quite enjoyed the work and, with a little more experience, I could do it well.
I arrived back at the office just before lunchtime and as soon as I’d taken off my coat, changed my shoes and refreshed my makeup, Sarah asked to have a quick word with me in the back office.
Thanks to Bronwen for editing and to everyone else for comments and kudos which are always appreciated. I have posted this chapter a day early as I have to be away over the weekend, but will resume Saturday posting next week! Louise
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I acquire some new appendages
Ballroom dancing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realise just how important it would become in shaping my future until I had to take the place of one of my bosses following an accident.
Dancing Queen A novel by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Image Credit: Picture from Wikimedia Commons. Free for commercial and personal use with restriction under the Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported licence.
Note - The last posting of this chapter fell down the crack in the Big Closet HDD, taking with it all the comments and kudos, so please be generous with this one ;-) Louise
‘How did you get on at Houghton this morning, Michelle?’ asked Sarah as I entered her office and took the offered seat.
‘Alright, I think. I did my best, but we’ll have to see what they decide to do.’
‘That’s all we can ask of you, but don’t be too disappointed if it comes to nothing; there are lots of unsold properties on the market around here at present.’
‘I know. I don’t think that they’ve decided against the house but they’ll need a little time to talk it over between themselves and come to a decision. I didn’t want to pressurize them, but tried to get them to see the potential of the property. They have promised to let me know their decision early next week,’ I replied.
‘Well, thanks for your efforts. That property has been on the books of several agencies in the area for some time and it’s high time that it was sold by somebody. It would be a boost to the office if we were the ones to do so.’
I smiled and was about to get up return to my desk, but she hadn’t finished.
‘There are two other things I need to discuss with you. First of all, Joan rang this morning to ask whether it would be possible for you to call in to her salon at five o’clock this evening to be fitted with your new boobs. I said that as far as I was concerned it would be alright but you would let her know if you were unable to make it.’
‘I’ll need to leave work an hour early to get over to Luton for 5.00pm, would it be alright with you and Rob if I work through my lunch hour to make up the time?’
‘You can take a short lunch break and we’ll let you have the remaining time as it is for a good cause.’
‘Thanks, Sarah. What was the other thing that you wanted to discuss?’
‘I’ve had a phone call from your mother this morning; she’s been looking through her dance costumes and thinks that she has a number of outfits that would be suitable for you to wear, including a dress and shoes for your Quickstep routine for the next demonstration. She has invited me round to your house tomorrow afternoon to see what I think of them,’ said Sarah.
‘Mum’s dresses are quite old; she was dancing in the 1980s and 1990s. Also some of them are in styles dating from the nineteen twenties and thirties.’
‘As long as they are in good condition, that needn’t be a problem. As a rule, ballroom costumes don’t go out of fashion in the same way that ordinary clothes do. In fact sometimes it can be better to have a range of styles dating from different decades to match the period of the dance or music that has been chosen.’
‘So are you planning to come round to our place tomorrow afternoon?’ I asked.
‘Yes, if I can get a lift. Rob and I were supposed to be going to see his parents this weekend, but I honestly couldn’t face the prospect of a four-hour car journey with my leg in plaster, so he will be going alone. I was wondering whether you would mind taking the office car again after work tonight and then collecting me and taking me home again tomorrow?’
‘Won’t the office car be needed over the weekend?’
‘No, I don’t think so; Richard will be working together with the weekend staff and he has his own car.’
‘In that case I should be happy to do so. In fact if I can take the car tonight I won’t need to leave work until 4.30pm.’
‘From what your mother said it sounds as if we will be able to sort out all your costumes for the next few weeks.’
‘OK but I trust that I’ll be given a say in what I wear?’
‘Yes, of course, and I hope you will be present when we decide tomorrow. Under normal circumstances it is up to the dancer herself to choose her costume, but as you’re still something of a novice in this respect it might be sensible for you to take the advice of those with a little more experience, at least for the first few weeks.’
‘I’ll be happy to leave it to the two of you as long as you don’t choose anything too outrageous for me to wear; some of your dresses are a little revealing.’
Sarah smiled.
‘Nobody is going to force you to wear something that you really hate or doesn’t feel right for you, but it will take you a little time to get to know what looks good on you.’
‘I suppose I’ll have enough to do with learning new dance routines and how to live as Michelle without having to worry about choosing my dance costumes as well.’
‘Good, but you should now begin to take an interest in what you are wearing as it is an important part of the ballroom dancing experience for any girl.’
I had to deal with several clients who called in during the course of the afternoon and arranged for a couple of viewings of properties, whilst Sarah and Helen interviewed other clients now wishing to put their houses on the market. Yet the afternoon at work seemed to drag as I was looking forward to leaving early to be fitted with my new breast forms. Eventually, just before 4.30pm, I began to clear my desk.
‘If it is alright with you Sarah, I’m off to get my new boobs.’
She nodded to say that it was ok for me to leave. Richard, who had recently arrived back in the office, at first rolled his eyes in disbelief, but then thought better of it and gave me a nice smile.
‘Good luck, Michelle, see you next week,’ he said.
‘Don’t come back with a pair that put the rest of us girls to shame,’ said Helen, laughing.
‘I hope not, big breasts are not a good idea for ballroom dancing,’ I replied.
This time there were no awkward looks from the staff, when I arrived at the salon. I was addressed as ‘Madame’ and politely asked to wait for a few minutes whilst Joan finished off her last customer. I actually quite enjoyed reading one of the beauty and hairdressing magazines that they left out for their waiting customers.
‘I’m glad to see that you’ve been taking trouble with your grooming, Michelle; you look very smart today,’ said Joan as she invited me through to the back room.
‘Thanks, I’m doing my best’ I said, aware that the compliment was coming from an expert.
‘Have you been doing your hair and makeup by yourself?’
‘ Mum helped me with them on Tuesday morning, but ever since I’ve been managing on my own.’
‘Good, but I expect that you’ll still need my help again next weekend as the makeup needed when you are dancing under spotlights is different from that used for every day wear.’
‘So I understand.’
‘However, we can worry about that at the appropriate time; the main thing is that you will be able to look smart at other times without the help of others. Now, come through to the back and we’ll see how you get on with these new breast forms.’
An hour later I had two realistic looking breasts securely attached to me by surgical glue, comfortably supported by my bra, which had to be adjusted to suit my new shape. The joins between the breasts and my own skin were well disguised with skin coloured makeup, and in any event would not be visible with a normal bra. I even had a hint of cleavage visible as the weight of the appendage pulled down on my own skin. Joan showed me how to enhance this effect by brushing on a darker powder in two arcs from my breast bone. By the time she’d finished, nobody looking at me dressed in my bra and panties would have realised that they were not the genuine article.
‘So how do they feel, Michelle?’
‘It’s as if my centre of gravity has moved slightly forward, but they seem to be quite comfortable and secure.’
‘They should be alright as they are for the next week, but I’ll check that they are all still alright after your two dances on Saturday week.’
‘Thanks again, Joan, for all your help. What about the cost of these?’
‘I haven’t had the bill yet, but when I do I’ll be discussing it with Sarah; you don’t need to worry.’
‘Thanks again, I’d better go home now and show off my new endowments to my Mum.’
‘Well I hope she appreciates them,’ said Joan laughing.
Mum would sometimes go out with a couple of her former workmates to the Friday afternoon session at the Mecca Bingo on Skimpot Road and wasn’t usually home until six thirty. She had arranged to do so on this occasion and so I hadn’t bothered to warn her that I was going to be late home from work. In fact, as a result of my having use of the office car, I was home before she was. I just had time to change out of my work clothes and put on a dark red dress which Louise had given me, and refresh my lipstick when she came in. I chose the dress as it had a low neckline which would show off my newly acquired cleavage to perfection, and I wanted to see whether she would notice,
‘Hi Mum, how did you get on at bingo?’ I asked casually as she came in the front door.
‘Hi Michelle, actually I had a small win - not a fortune, but enough for us to be able to celebrate tonight,’ she replied as she hung up her outdoor coat.
‘Well done!’ I replied. ‘Shall I make a start on cooking us some dinner?’
‘No, I put something in the slow cooker before I left,’ she said, turning towards me. ‘I’ve not seen you wear that dress before,’ she said.
‘No it is the first time I’ve felt able to wear it.’
‘Good heavens you’ve grown breasts!’
I smiled.
‘Not exactly, it’s the effect created by my new breast forms which were fitted earlier this afternoon.’
‘But your cleavage looks just like the real thing.’
‘So you approve of them, then?’ I asked.
‘Well they certainly give you a nice figure, but will they stay in place whilst you are dancing?’
‘I think so; they seem to be stuck on quite securely.’ I said, jiggling them up and down to prove the point.
She smiled and proceeded to examine them more closely.
‘That’s good; there were one or two of my dance costumes which I’d rejected as they seemed to be too low cut for you to be able to use, but it now looks as if you’ll now be able to wear them. We’ll have a good range to choose from when Sarah comes round tomorrow.’
‘I guess so,’ I replied.
‘Hold on a minute, Michelle, I have just the right pendant to go with that dress. It will tend to draw the eye to your latest assets,’ she said laughing.
She disappeared in to her room and came back with a ruby pendant on a thin gold chain, which she placed round my neck.
‘Once your ear piercings have settled down, I also have a pair of matching earrings which you may use as well.’
Over Dinner, we discussed the arrangements for the following day.
‘I’ll be collecting Sarah at 2.00pm, and also taking her home afterwards, but I’m going to need to do some laundry in the morning.
‘Yes, I noticed that you’re going to need some more underclothes; as far as I could see you have only one clean bra and pant set left. Maybe we should also go out shopping together tomorrow morning, before Sarah comes.’
‘I’m afraid I haven’t got much spare cash until I get paid at the end of next week,’ I warned. I’ll have to go into the bank and withdraw some money from my savings account.
(Ever since I’d passed my driving test I’d been saving as much as I could afford towards the purchase of a second-hand car.)
‘That’s alright; as I told you, I was lucky at bingo today and so I should be happy to treat my daughter to some new lingerie.’
As she said this she was looking into my eyes and seemed really pleased with the prospect. In fact I hadn’t seen her so enthusiastic about life for many years.
‘In that case, thank you very much, Mum,’ I replied.
Thanks to Bronwen for editing and to everyone else for comments and kudos which are always appreciated.Louise
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I’m required to model some of Mum’s costumes
Ballroom dancing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realise just how important it would become in shaping my future until I had to take the place of one of my bosses following an accident.
Dancing Queen A novel by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Chapter 16 Mum’s costumes
Going out with Mum on Saturday morning to buy myself some underwear proved to be a novel and enjoyable experience for us both. Whereas I’d hung back and let Sarah decide for me when we went shopping the previous week, on this occasion I took a full part in the proceedings, discussing colours, fabrics and styles and not being afraid to give my own opinions. I’d assumed that Mum would want us to go to one of the larger and more impersonal department stores in town, but she suggested that we went to a specialist shop called Lingerie 2 Go in the appropriately named Stockingstone Road. The assistant there offered to give me a proper bra fitting, which gave rise to some anxiety on my part but Mum came to my rescue saying that I’d only recently been measured and that we knew what we were looking for.
We soon agreed on a light blue lacy bra and pants set for everyday wear, but then Mum pointed to a pale pink lingerie set in my size. It consisted of bra, pants, suspender and camisole.
‘What do you think of these?’ asked Mum.
‘They are very nice, but quite pricey.’
‘As this is the first occasion we've been out together as mother and daughter I think I can afford to treat you.’
‘But when would I get to wear them? I certainly couldn’t dance in them.’
‘No, they wouldn’t be suitable for dancing, but every girl ought to have at least one nice set of lingerie for special occasions,’
I couldn’t envisage any special occasions other than the dance demonstrations, but before I could say so, Mum added:
‘In fact you could wear them this afternoon when your boss comes as you’ll want to be wearing something nice when you model the various dresses for us.’
‘I’ll leave it up to you to decide, Mum, but they are very pretty,’ I replied.
Mum went ahead and purchased both sets of underwear and also a pair of stockings for me to wear with the suspenders.
After collecting Sarah and driving her to our home, the remainder of my afternoon was spent trying on Mum’s different dance costumes and then modelling them in front of the two of them. Virtually everything fitted me, and most of them I liked, although one or two were a little skimpy and provocative for someone in my particular situation. On one occasion Sarah pointed out that my stocking tops were visible through the slit up the side of a skirt, and I had to reassure her that another time, I would have no intention of wearing both items together.
‘You don’t need to worry about underwear for Michelle to wear when she’s dancing, I've several skin coloured body stockings and leotards that she can use so there'll be no danger of treating the audience to unforeseen displays The main thing is what you think of the dresses?’ asked Mum.
‘That ankle length cream gown with the embroidered bodice should be ideal for the Viennese Waltz on Saturday. It has short-sleeves but includes two pairs of matching armbands for the floats,’ said Sarah addressing Mum.
Mum nodded in agreement. I didn’t comment but had to agree with her assessment. The dress looked and felt really lovely to wear as I executed a turn in front of them. The bodice and waist seemed to fit me and the full skirt disguised my lack of more pronounced hips.
‘What do you think Michelle?’ Sarah asked.
‘I like it and it feels good to dance in, but don’t you think that it has rather a low neckline?’
‘Yes but that's no longer such a problem now that you have been fitted with those new breast forms,’ commented Sarah.
‘Good! So we’re agreed on the cream dress for the first dance, then perhaps Michelle could execute a quick change into the dark blue outfit, for the Quickstep, as both the dress and shoes are better suited to the dance?’ continued Mum.
‘Yes, I agree. That dress is both practical and also looks very smart. So that seems to be the next demonstration sorted.’
Mum seemed to be pleased that I was going to be wearing her costumes the following week.
‘By the looks of things we have everything here that Michelle is likely to need over the next few weeks,’ she replied.
‘Are you quite happy with the choice, Michelle?’ asked Sarah.
‘I’m in your hands for the next few weeks and will be happy to take any advice from you both,’ I said smiling.
Turning to Mum, Sarah said: ‘I’d really no idea that you had been so much involved in ballroom dancing at the end of the last century.’
‘Yes it has been a waste to have all these lovely clothes stored away in the attic for so long, but I’ve never been able to face the task of looking through them until now.’
‘I’m glad that you now feel able to do so,’ said Sarah.
Mum smiled and looked at me.
‘It is nice to have someone who will be able to use them at last,’ she said.
As I drove Sarah home later that evening we continued to discuss the arrangements for my forthcoming dances.
‘It now looks as if you are going to have more dance costumes than I do,’ she said, smiling.
‘So it would seem.’
‘And your mother seems to be really enthusiastic about the idea of your dancing.’
‘Yes, as soon as she knew she started to want to help me organise my wardrobe. I don’t remember when she has seemed so positive about the future.’
We arrived at their house and I began to help her to get out of the car.
‘Thanks, Michelle, it has been an enjoyable afternoon and evening and you made an excellent model. In fact I think you make a lovely young woman.’
I blushed and looked away, not sure how to respond to her. She noticed my blushes.
‘Are you still alright with all this?’ she asked, seriously.
‘It would be a bit late for me to be having second thoughts,’ I said, smiling; ‘especially after all the trouble that everyone has taken.’
‘It is just that when I suggested the idea to you two weeks ago, I’d no idea of the extent that Michelle would take over your life.’
‘Nor me,’ I admitted. ‘But Mum seems to be really happy with the change, Helen is more willing to be my friend at work, and of course Joan would never forgive me if I were to back out now after all her hard work.’
‘I suppose so, and it would let Alan down as well,’ she added. ‘But all that's not as important as whether it is the right thing for you.’
‘I seem to be doing alright as Michelle, at least for the time being, so I’ll keep to the plan. Also I get to improve my dancing. So I’d better continue as we planned.’
‘Alright, but when all the demonstrations are over, I want you to know that Rob and I will support you in whatever you decide to do.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘If you want to change back to Michael, we will make sure it happens and that you will still have a job. Equally, if you decide to continue as Michelle for a while that will also be alright, as well.’
‘Thanks Sarah,’ I said, not knowing what to think about what she’d just said to me.
I helped her to her front door, and just as she was about to enter, I came out with something that had been on my mind for a day or two.
‘Sarah, I get the impression that you and Rob trust me more since I became Michelle.’
‘It isn’t a question of our not trusting you as Michael, but you do seem to have more self-confidence and are more mature as a young woman than you were as a young man.’
I sighed, knowing deep down that she was probably right.
After I got home, Mum helped me to try on my two costumes for the next Saturday once again. I was especially pleased with the cream dress, as it seemed to show off my new breasts without giving any indication that they were anything but genuine.
‘So what do you think, Mum,’ I asked as I was standing in front of the full length mirror in the spare room.
‘I think you look truly lovely, Michelle. I’m sure you'll be a credit to everyone who has helped you.’
‘I hope so.’
She began to cry.
‘What is it Mum? What’s the matter?’
‘I’m so proud to have you as my daughter, even if it is only for a few weeks,’ she said sniffing.
I wanted to respond ‘And I’m proud that you see me as your daughter,’ but for some reason was unable to do so. Instead I just murmured my thanks.
‘Why don’t we begin to organise your costumes?’ she asked.
‘Alright’ I replied.
‘I’m afraid that we’re going to need to use the wardrobe in the spare room for your dresses. I suggest that you pack away all of Michael’s clothes in a couple of the smaller suitcases for the time being. We can ask Alan to put them in the loft for us when he comes to collect us on Saturday.’
She seemed so enthused by the idea and so sure of herself that I didn’t have the heart to object.
‘The suitcases won’t be too heavy; if you hold the step ladder for me, I expect I’ll be able to stow them in the loft by myself.’
‘Alright, but change into some jeans first and please take care on the steps; it would be disastrous if you had an accident like your friend.’
Alan and I met up again for another practice session on the Sunday afternoon and evening where we pretty well perfected our Quickstep routine, although we agreed to have a full dress rehearsal on the coming Thursday. We also met up again on the following Tuesday evening at the usual club meeting where we went through the Viennese Waltz with the four other couples who would be dancing with us. They were all fairly experienced with the dance and so everyone felt quite satisfied with the result. In fact Alan and I decided to add an extra fast spin at the end as a final flourish.
‘Wow, you two are really impressive dancing together,’ said Louise to Alan and me after the rehearsal. ‘What else have you got planned for future weeks?’
‘We haven’t really thought very far ahead but we are due to dance the Charleston and American Smooth at the end of October.’
‘Do you have any thoughts about the Charleston, Michelle?’ Alan asked me.
‘How about ‘Black Bottom Stomp’? It’s a Jelly Roll Morton track, which would be ideal. There is a modern recording of it by Wynton Marsalis.’
‘I’ll have a look out for it.’
‘Do you have anything suitable to wear for the Charleston?’ Louise asked me.
‘Yes thanks, Mum has a lovely black beaded flapper dress that will be a lot of fun to dance in.’
‘So what are we going to do for the American Smooth?’ Alan asked me.
(I should perhaps explain that ‘American Smooth’ is a category of ballroom dances rather than an individual dance and can include steps from the Waltz, Viennese Waltz, Tango or Foxtrot, but without many of the usual restrictions traditionally imposed on those dances, with respect to maintaining body contact. The category therefore allows for more elaborate and creative routines, and provides a chance to show off a little with lifts, lady under arm turns, spins, side by side positions, parallel turns, dips, drops and other variations that would never be allowed in traditional ballroom dancing.)
‘Louise, I know that you are going to be responsible for the Latin dances, but would you mind if we danced a Tango in the American Style?’
‘Please go ahead and do whatever you think is best, Michelle. I agreed to cover the Latin dances, but to be honest I am rather dreading the prospect. I'd much prefer to be one of the supporting dancers.’
‘What do you think, Alan?’ I asked.
‘Alright, an American Smooth Tango it is, so long as you are happy to do the choreography and choose the music.’
‘Good, I’ve already had some ideas,’ I replied.
Thanks to Bronwen for editing and to everyone else for comments and kudos which are always appreciated.
Note: This chapter originally had several hundred additional reads, four or five comments and 40+ kudos when the BC system crashed and they were lost. ;-( Louise
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I’m offered more responsibilities at work
Ballroom dancing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realise just how important it would become in shaping my future until I had to take the place of one of my bosses following an accident.
Dancing Queen A novel by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Chapter 17 Progress at work
I allowed myself the small vanity of wearing my dark red dress with the low cut neckline and mum’s pendant into work on Monday morning. It was just low enough to be noticeable but not so low as to cause a riot in the High Street.
‘Very nice, Michelle, your new boobs are just right,’ commented Helen. ‘Don’t you agree Rich?’
Richard looked distinctly embarrassed and muttered his agreement, before getting on with his work. However I did notice him peering down my cleavage at one point later on, when we were supposed to be discussing the details of a new property.
When we were alone later Sarah later whispered to me that I looked very smart and my boobs looked nice but maybe I should avoid creating too much of a distraction at work. She said it in such a nice way that I didn’t feel embarrassed but decided not to repeat the experiment, all the same. In all other respects I continued to do well at work and increasingly found that I was the one dealing with most of the customers who came through the door. One significant development also took place during that second week in October. It began with a suggestion made by Rob on the Wednesday afternoon.
‘Helen, would you be able to drive out to Harpenden tomorrow morning to measure up and take details of that new commission in Overstone Road, as Sarah is now unable to do so?’ he asked.
(Harpenden is a small town about four miles south of Luton, which seemed to be becoming a useful source of new business for us.)
‘Yes, of course, I could drive over first thing, if you like,’ she replied.
‘Sarah and I are planning to be in the office for most of the morning, so maybe you could take Michelle along with you, to show her how it’s done,’ Rob continued.
‘Fine, with two of us it should only take an hour or so.’
‘I should like that,’ I replied pleased to have another opportunity to get out of the office and to undertake a new task.
‘Shall I collect you directly from your mother’s house at 9.30am tomorrow, to save you the bus ride into work?’ Helen asked.
‘Yes, if that will be alright with you, Rob?’
‘Yes, you go ahead, it will make more sense that way.
As a result of Helen’s suggestion I had an extra ninety minutes the following morning and used the opportunity to de-fuzz my legs, arms and armpits, and paint my toenails ready for the weekend. However, Helen arrived ten minutes earlier than she’d originally intended, before I had time to finish putting on my makeup. I called out to Mum to answer the door for me and let her in to my bedroom whilst I hurriedly finished putting on my mascara.
‘Don’t worry, Michelle, we’ve plenty of time, the traffic in town wasn’t as bad as I’d thought,’ said Helen as she came in.
‘I’m almost ready,’ I said as I put the finishing touches to my eyes, brushed my hair and did a final check in the mirror.
I was quite happy with the way I looked so I put my lipstick, mascara and powder compact into my handbag, together with my keys, and some tissues and went to get my coat.
‘Your daughter’s becoming quite an expert at getting herself ready, ‘Helen commented to Mum as we went out the front door together.
‘Yes, I’m very pleased with her progress,’ replied Mum.
During the course of the morning Helen showed me what had to be done when taking down the particulars of any house that was about to go on the market, and what questions needed to be asked of the prospective vendors. We also took a number of digital photographs of each room. As she did so she explained to me what to look out for and how to get the best possible pictures which would make the room seem larger or avoided highlighting any potential problems.
‘There seem to be a number of these houses coming on the market recently,’ said Helen. ‘I suggest you ask Rob if you can deal with the next one on your own.’
‘I should be happy to do so, if they’re willing to trust me,’ I replied.
‘I don’t see why not. We all seem to have got busier over the last few weeks, especially since Sarah has been out of action.’
It occurred to me as we drove back to Dunstable that not once during the course of the morning had Helen made any reference to my past identity. As with Mum, it was almost as if Michael had never existed. She was simply showing her junior colleague, how to do the job.
Helen and I arrived back at the office at about midday, to find Rob and Sarah both looking quite pleased with themselves.
‘Michelle, the Johnson’s have made an offer on that house in Houghton Regis, thanks to your good work last week,’ he said as I entered. ‘As you know they’ve already sold their existing house, so, it looks as if you’ve made your first house sale - congratulations!’
‘That’s wonderful,’ I said, feeling really pleased with my day.
‘May we both have a word with you in the back office?’ he continued.
I followed them in and closed the door.
‘I’ve been in touch with the vendors and they have accepted the offer. The Johnsons will be coming in to our office on Monday morning to sign the relevant forms and let us know who will be handling the legal aspects of the sale for them.’
He now began to look a little awkward.
‘Under normal circumstances Sarah and I would have asked you to deal with them and then to liaise with the solicitors for both the buyers and sellers to ensure that the sale goes through without a hitch,’
‘But not on this occasion?’ I said, feeling a little disappointed not to be given yet another responsibility.
‘Well, we haven’t decided as yet,’ said Rob.
I looked at him, puzzled.
‘It usually takes about four to five weeks for a sale to go through where there is no mortgage required, which could take you beyond your promise to remain as Michelle. There are also sometimes hold ups and in a few cases the process can take two months or more. What would happen if you’d started dealing with the matter as Michelle, and then there proved to be a delay?’ asked Sarah.
‘It would be embarrassing for all concerned,’ added Rob.
‘If you were willing to trust me to take on the job I would have to continue as I was until everything was satisfactorily completed,’ I said.
‘Are you sure about that?’ said Sarah.
I was about to answer but Rob spoke first.
‘Before you say anything more, let me put to you a suggestion from Sarah. One reason why I sent you both out this morning was that we needed to talk together about the business and also sound out the opinion of Richard. As you know, our business seems to have picked up quite well over the last few weeks, which is very good news, but it has coincided with the time when Sarah has been confined to the office because of her accident. We are going to need some extra help until the end of the year, but we are not in a position to make a permanent appointment. Sarah has suggested that we should offer you a temporary promotion for three months, as a trainee negotiator and offer the two weekend staff additional hours of work to take on some of your clerical duties. We would backdate the promotion to 1st October and pay you at the higher rate until the end of December. By that time Sarah should be fully fit once again.’
‘You are quite young for such a promotion, but we think that you have shown yourself capable of doing the job, and Richard agrees,’ added Sarah. ‘But it would be on the understanding that ‘Michelle’ is available until the end of the year.’
‘So what do you think?’ asked Rob.
‘I’m not sure. I would like the work and the extra responsibility but it would almost double the amount of time I was remaining as Michelle.’
‘It would also mean that you get out of the office much more,’ added Sarah.
‘I’ll need a little time to think about it and perhaps talk to Mum, as well.’
‘Yes of course. The Johnsons are not due to come in until Monday afternoon, so we have until Monday morning to decide what to do. See how you feel after Saturday’s demonstration before making up your mind?’ suggested Sarah.
There was no question that my life had become somewhat more interesting and eventful since the advent of Michelle just over two weeks ago but I didn’t know what to think about Rob and Sarah’s offer. I didn’t feel ready to discuss it with Helen until I’d had time to think it through and so I was relieved to find that she had left for her lunch by the time I emerged from the office. I delayed going for my own lunch break until she had returned, and by the time I got back the office was again quite busy and so we had no time to talk.
As we were closing for the evening Helen came up to me.
‘I’m having a day off tomorrow, shopping in London with my sister so I won’t be able to wish you good luck, but I’ll see you dancing on Saturday afternoon. I am meeting up with Richard tonight who will show me how to operate a second video camera.’
‘Oh yes, I remember,’ I replied.
‘I doubt if I’ll be much good but he thinks I should be able to get some reasonable shots which he can mix in with his own to create a better video.’
‘I hope you have a good time then, both tonight and tomorrow,’ I replied.
I wasn’t jealous of Helen, who’d been a good friend to me over the last two weeks. I was, however, surprised to discover that I felt just a touch of envy because she could go out clothes shopping with her sister and had plenty of boyfriends. I was also slightly sad that Richard had thought nothing about asking her out, but would never do so to me.
During the ten days since Mum had known me as Michelle, she was true to her word and treated me as if I were her daughter, only ever referring to me by my new name and acting as if she’d never had a son. At first this seemed a little strange, but I gradually got used to the idea. In some respects, I found that my relationship with her had become closer as a result of the change and so I was happy enough to go along with the fiction. It wasn’t that we hadn’t got on well together before so much as we seemed better able to understand and relate to one another as mother and daughter. I wasn’t sure whether it was me or Mum who had most altered or perhaps a combination of the two of us. She often made helpful suggestions about the clothes that I wore for work or how I might deal with my hair.
Mum seemed more than willing to take over the responsibility for my costumes and grooming at the forthcoming demonstrations and Sarah was equally happy to leave the matter in her hands. Mum made sure that the dresses were clean and packed so that they would not become creased. On Thursday evening she also helped me to wash and style my hair ready for the dress rehearsal on Friday evening and the performance on Saturday. I had intended to mention the offer of a temporary promotion to the end of December to her, but in the end decided that my main preoccupation should be the dancing, and that discussion of my future plans could wait until later, after I’d had more time to consider the implications of the offer. I’d been having a great time as Michelle, but I was still unsure whether it would be right for me to remain living as a girl once I was no longer required to do so for my dancing.
Next time: Our second demonstration dance
Thanks to Bronwen for editing and to everyone else for comments and kudos which are always appreciated.Louise
The reason why this chapter has so fewer reads, kudos and comments compared to the other chapters of the story is that the original posting was lost when the BigCloset servers crashed.
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Our second demonstration dance
Ballroom dancing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realise just how important it would become in shaping my future until I had to take the place of one of my bosses following an accident.
Dancing Queen A novel by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright© 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Our dress rehearsal on Friday evening went according to plan. Mum and David both came along and Mum helped me to put on the long cream dress and make the finishing touches to my hair. We then performed our Viennese Waltz, this time incorporating the spin that we intended to tack on to the end of the dance. Executing a fast quadruple spin without getting giddy was no easy task, especially whilst wearing somewhat higher heels than I’d grown used to at work, but I’d always been taught to dance on the balls of my feet and was getting used to the higher heels. Mum and David were enthusiastic with our efforts although they also made a couple of last minute suggestions. I then did a quick change into the purple and gold dress for the Quickstep, which also went to plan. Once again there was a mixture of congratulation coupled with a couple of minor suggestions from our audience.
‘OK. I think we’re all set for tomorrow,’ announced Alan after we’d performed it for a second time.
Then, turning to my mother, he said: ‘David and I were wondering whether you and your daughter would like to come out for a meal after the demonstration tomorrow evening, Mrs Williams. I haven’t thanked you properly for giving me that suit belonging to your late husband.’
‘I’m sure that we would both love to go,’ said Mum, without even consulting me, ‘and do please call me Jean.’
There was a perceptible difference in the way that Alan and I were received for our second demonstration, compared to the first. Two weeks before there had been a degree of doubt about the wisdom of our dancing together, and of my role in particular, but now we’d proved ourselves in one successful demonstration and this had been confirmed during a couple of subsequent rehearsals. We were therefore accepted as the principal representatives of the society and accorded respect as such.
I’d arrived at the venue, together with Mum, an hour before Alan and David, as it would inevitably take me longer to get ready. I was whisked off to the ladies’ changing room where Joan proceeded to remove my breast forms and check that all was well, before carefully re-attaching them. She also inspected my hair, nails and earlobes and declared herself happy with them.
‘Congratulations, Michelle, my efforts haven’t been in vain,’ she said.
‘Thanks in part to Mum.’ I said.
‘Would it be safe for us to replace those studs with proper earrings?’ asked Mum. ‘I’ve brought along some crystal drops just in case.’
(As a rule dancers don’t wear a lot of jewellery as it can get in the way, but nice earrings were the one exception.)
‘I’ll put them in for you if you wish,’ replied Joan. ‘But once I have done so it may be wise to leave them in place for a few more days just to make sure.’
‘Go ahead then,’ I replied. ‘Crystal drop earrings should look alright with both of my dresses today and won’t look out of place when I go into work next week.’
Once my new earrings were successfully in place, and she had sprayed on some antiseptic Joan was happy to leave me in Mum’s capable hands to finish my hair and makeup and get dressed whilst she helped some of the other lady dancers to get ready. Mum brushed my hair up and back to form a neat pony tail held by a band, and then proceeded to thread it through a sock with the toes cut off and rolled up to create a soft doughnut shape. Once this was in place. Mum spread my hair around it and pinned it in to place to create a tidy bun that would keep my hair out of my face whilst dancing and not be a distraction either to me or the audience. She finished it off by inserting a few hairpins with crystal tips that would sparkle in the light to match my earrings and the embroidery on the bodice of my dress.
Mum put somewhat more makeup on me than I was used to wearing for work, but I realised that it would be necessary because of the strong lights. Then she helped me to put on the long cream dress and shoes and attach the arm and wrist bands for the four floats.
‘How are the shoes, Michelle?’ she asked.
‘OK, I feel much more confident wearing high heels these days.’
‘Good, now remember everything I have told you.’
Sarah arrived ten minutes before we were scheduled to start, just to check that all was well.
‘Wow, Michelle, you look so lovely in that dress. I’m so glad that we enlisted your mother’s help.’
‘Me too,’ I said, smiling and then made my way with the other ladies to where our partners were waiting for us.
There is not a lot more I can say about our Viennese Waltz that I have not already said. We waited for the plaintive sound of the trumpet solo at the start of ’The Godfather’ to begin our waltz. We danced well – in fact everybody danced well - and the fast pivot turns executed by Alan and I at the end secured us all a standing ovation. But unfortunately I wasn’t able to listen to all the compliments forthcoming for as soon as the applause had died down and I’d regained my breath I was whisked off by Mum to change my dress and get ready for our solo Quickstep. Alan, on the other hand, could hang around for all the congratulations of his colleagues and the audience as he had no need to change. In this respect there were decided advantages to being a guy although I had to admit that getting myself ready was part of the fun.
‘You did very well with that Viennese Waltz, Michelle, it was a real credit to me and your father,’ said Mum smiling as she helped me out of the cream dress and put on the purple one. ‘However, it is the Quickstep which really shows a true dancer.’
‘I can only do my best, Mum,’ I replied.
‘Yes of course, dear, but you’re a good dancer and you also have a good partner so I’m sure you will both do well.’
Twenty minutes later I joined Alan backstage whilst we waited for our solo dance to be announced.
‘Michelle, you look amazing and dance wonderfully,’ he said.
‘Thank you,’ I said colouring slightly, but also feeling as if the compliment had been earned. ‘Let’s hope this next one lives up to the standard we’ve set so far.’
This time it was Rob who did the announcing: ‘Now we come to the solo demonstration – with Luton’s answer to Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers – it’s Alan Page and Michelle Williams.’
We stepped out on to the dance floor to the enthusiastic applause of the audience, and took our places. Over the years I’ve admired the dancing of Gene Kelly and Rita Hayworth, Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey and John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John but, as far as I was concerned, none of them could ever match Astaire and Rogers. Three weeks earlier the idea that I might one day dance in either of their roles would have seen quite ridiculous to me, especially that of Ginger Rogers who had always been my true heroine. Yet here I was about to go and take her part. The orchestral intro began and we started our routine. The liquid voice of Nat King Cole spread across the dance floor.
‘There may be trouble ahead …’
The remainder of the dance was obscured by the sheer pleasure of immersing ourselves in the music and that warm baritone voice. I can honestly say that I’d no idea how well we’d danced until the enthusiastic applause brought me back to earth and I received a hug and kiss from my partner who was clearly delighted with us both.
As soon as Alan led me off the floor, Mum, David, Sarah Rob, Louise and just about everyone else that I knew crowded round to offer us their congratulations. This time I did not have to rush away to get changed, but could bask in the good wishes and congratulations of both our friends and those we’d never seen before.
‘You two were spectacular,’ said a middle aged guy, that I didn’t recognise, ‘especially you, young lady.’
We both thanked him. He then turned to Alan.
‘I don’t suppose you would be interested in giving another demonstration like that to our dance society in Bristol?’
(He didn’t exactly say that he didn’t want to trouble my pretty little head with business matters, but I had the impression that he probably thought as much.)
‘Are you talking about all four couples or just the two of us?’ asked Alan.
‘Just you two of you, if you could adapt the Viennese Waltz to become a solo partner piece.’
‘Our fee would be £500 for an afternoon’s demonstration,’ Alan continued, without even consulting me.
The guy didn’t go white or choke as I’d half expected.
‘Plus expenses,’ added Alan as an afterthought.
‘Of course, He replied. ‘But I’ll need to discuss possible dates with my committee and then come back to you.’
He then took Alan’s mobile number before leaving us.
I was just a tiny bit put out that neither of them had bothered to consult me on this matter.
‘I expect that’s the last you will hear from him,’ I said, to lessen his enthusiasm.
‘I’m not so sure. We may as well earn ourselves some money for the time we've taken in practice,’ said Alan.
‘Alright but if he does ring back remember that I’ll only have two Saturdays free between now and the date I’ve completed my set of dances.’
I hadn’t said anything about Sarah’s offer of a promotion, with the implication of an extended period living as Michelle, as I’d still not made up my mind what to do about it. In any event, I wanted to discuss it with Mum first.
Alan left me to find David and after acknowledging a few enthusiastic comments from strangers and even signing an autograph for a thirteen year old budding girl dancer, who told me that I was ‘awesome’, I looked around for someone that I knew to talk to. I noticed that Mum, Helen and Sarah were talking to one another whilst sitting at a table, and so I went over to join them.
‘Oh Michelle, I’m so envious of you to be able to dance like that,’ said Helen as I approached. ‘You danced so beautifully.’
I coloured and thanked her.
‘I’d no idea that she would be so good. That Quickstep was faultless,’ added Sarah, almost in a state of shock.
Mum nodded her head, knowingly.
‘It is partly a matter of her having the right partner, but there is no question that she has real talent. I don’t think I have ever felt so proud of my child as I did this afternoon,’ she announced.
All of this congratulation was beginning to get embarrassing for me, so I smiled and left them to continue their conversation, hoping that I might have a word with Richard, who I felt sure would not be quite so gushing. I also wanted to see whether he had videoed us successfully. I found him but he seemed to be deep in conversation with some other guy that I’d never seen before. I therefore made my way back to the ladies’ changing room where I changed into some more normal clothes. I also removed my stage makeup, replacing it with the cosmetics that I wore to work. However, Mum had done such a good job with the sock bun in my hair that I decided to leave it in place.
Next time: Mum has an idea for a future costume for me
For some reason Dancing Queen: 17 has disappeared from my list of publications, but no doubt the team are working on it. I will try and post one more chapter before 1st March but then there will be a further delay until 9th as I have to be away.
As usual, thanks to Bronwen for editing and to everyone else for comments and kudos which are always appreciated.Louise
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Our second demonstration dance
Ballroom dancing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realise just how important it would become in shaping my future until I had to take the place of one of my bosses following an accident.
Dancing Queen A novel by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright© 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Alan and his partner treated Mum and me to an early dinner at a Brasserie near to the town centre in Luton as a thank you for the clothes she had given to Alan. On this occasion our joint performance was subjected to a slightly more considered examination by Mum and David now that the initial euphoria had died down. Nevertheless, all concerned agreed that we’d done pretty well in both dances. So far, the two demonstration sessions had been a credit to all concerned, if only we could maintain the standard. By the time we got to the coffee at the end of the meal we were beginning to look forward to the third session scheduled for 24th October.
‘So what have you two got planned for the Tango?’ asked Mum.
‘I think it’s time we did something a little more contemporary. How would you feel about ‘Ain't no other man’ by Christina Aguilera?’ I asked Alan. ‘It’s a bit of a mixture of styles with elements of pop, R&B, funk and jazz but with 129 beats per minute and a clear and consistent dance rhythm it should be ideal for an American Tango.’
‘How long does it last?’ asked David.
‘Just under three and three-quarter minutes,’ I replied.
‘It’s the right length but sounds a little raw for my taste, but you two are the dancers so you must decide,’ said Mum.
‘I’ll trust your judgment, Michelle, so please go ahead and prepare the choreography,’ said Alan.
I smiled.
‘I’ve already done so; we can have a run through tomorrow afternoon if you’re free.’
Alan looked at David to check that he didn’t object and then agreed to go ahead.
‘Have you had a chance to listen to ‘Black Bottom Stomp,’ for the Charleston?’ I asked.
‘Yes, and there is nothing contemporary about that, it takes you straight back to the 1920s, but I suppose it would be good for the Charleston.’
‘It is four minutes and twenty seconds long so I suggest we incorporate both a group dance with the others and a one minute solo partner piece for ourselves in both open and closed positions.’
(The open position is when the couple are dancing side by side, perhaps holding hands, and the closed position is when they are dancing face-to face.)
‘Are you planning to include a tap-routine?’ he asked.
‘Are you able to tap-dance?’
‘A little but not well enough for a demonstration, I’m afraid.’
‘In that case we had better not do so,’ I said.
‘You’re the boss, but I don’t see why you shouldn’t incorporate a solo tap routine for yourself.’
‘I’m not sure, I’ll think about it,’ I replied.
‘Alright, just work out what you want us all to do and we’ll run through it with the others on Tuesday evening.’
It was at this point that Richard and Helen arrived, having by chance chosen the same restaurant as us. I felt a twinge of envy at who she was with when I noticed them come through the door. Helen saw us, smiled, waved, and came over to our table for a few words whilst her partner confirmed their reservation.
‘Hi again, everyone, are you having a post-mortem?’ she asked.
‘Yes, and planning our next couple of dances,’ I replied.
‘We’ve just been looking at the two videos that we took and between us we have some excellent shots ready to edit together and put up on You Tube.’
Richard joined us, together with the waiter, who was planning to show them to their table.
‘Hi Michelle, Alan; I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to congratulate you both after your dances earlier, but I was button-holed by some guy wanting to know all about our filming of the dances. He also wanted to know when you two would be dancing again so that he can bring some others to see you.’
‘What was that all about?’ asked Alan.
‘I’ve no idea but I eventually managed to pass him on to Rob.’
The waiter coughed politely as if to say that he didn’t have all evening to wait for them. So they turned to follow him to their table, but one further thought occurred to Richard, as he was leaving.
‘By the way, Michelle; congratulations on your acting promotion.’
‘Yes, well done, I was really pleased for you when Richard told me,’ added Helen.
I smiled and thanked them both, but wished he hadn’t said it.
‘Acting promotion? What acting promotion is that?’ asked Mum.
‘Rob and Sarah have asked me if I would be willing to take on some of her duties whilst her leg is in plaster, in return for a temporary pay rise. However, I haven’t decided whether to accept yet.’
‘Why not?’
‘It would mean that I’d have to remain as Michelle until the end of this year.’
‘But that’s wonderful news,’ said Alan. ‘Then you would be able to take over the four Latin American demonstrations from Louise as well.’
‘I couldn’t do that; she has already agreed to do them.’
‘Alan and I were talking to Louise about her forthcoming demonstrations earlier this afternoon. I think she may be beginning to get cold feet about taking the lead, especially as you two have set such a high standard. I think she would prefer to be one of the supporting couples,’ said David.
‘And it would also give us some more possible dates for that demonstration in Bristol,’ added Alan.
‘If you haven’t frightened them off with the exorbitant fees,’ I said.
‘I don’t think five hundred pounds is exorbitant; if they want good quality dancers they should be prepared to pay for them.’
There was a brief lull in the conversation, but then Mum decided to contribute.
‘Well of course it’s up to you to decide, Michelle, but personally I think you would be foolish not to take full advantage of this opportunity.’
With three of them against me, and myself unresolved about the matter in the first place, it wasn’t too long before I’d promised to accept the offer of an acting promotion at work, and also to speak to Louise to see how she would feel about my taking over the lead from her in those demonstrations scheduled for late November and early December. I also agreed that Alan could go ahead and offer our services as visiting dancers on any free Saturday between now and Christmas, so long as Mum would also be able to come with me to help me get myself ready.
Alan and David gave the two of us a lift home and so we were in by nine thirty and had carefully packed away my costumes.
Mum turned to me and said: ‘We’ll soon have to start thinking about your costumes for next time, Michelle.’
‘I was wondering if I might wear your flapper dress for The Charleston, the one with the beadwork, if that is alright?’
‘Yes, of course, it would be ideal, and you will need the shoes as well.’
‘Yes please since high heels were unknown in the early 1920s.’
‘Also you wouldn’t be able to perform a solo tap routine in the midst of the dance, if you are wearing heels.’
‘I was planning to skip that as Alan is not a very experienced tap dancer.’
‘You could give him a few fairly simple steps to begin with and then respond with a more complex demonstration.’
‘Won’t that look a bit like me showing off?’ I asked
‘Not at all, you are merely showing to the audience that the Charleston can be danced solo or by couples in the open and the closed positions, and also that tap can be an element in the dance.’
‘I’ll work out a couple of possible alternatives and see what Alan thinks about it tomorrow.’
‘By the way, I think that I may also have exactly the right dress for your Tango.’
‘Which one is that?’ I asked.
‘I can’t show it to you it at present, but I do know where to find it. I was disappointed to find that one of my favourite dresses was missing when we got the trunk down from the loft, but I now remember that I’d put it away in a separate holdall as it needed some attention. I’m sure it is still up in the loft. Would Alan mind getting it for us tomorrow when he comes to collect you for your practice?’
‘I’m sure he wouldn’t mind, but I’m equally sure that I would be capable of retrieving a bag from the loft without Alan’s help.’
‘Alright, dear, but change into some jeans first and please take care on the ladder.’
Ten minutes later I was up in the loft with a flashlight following her instructions. Soon afterwards I emerged with a pink holdall.
‘Is this the one?’ I asked.
‘Yes I think so, let me have a look inside.’
I handed it down to her and she had a quick look inside before confirming that it was the one she was looking for and that I might now come down, close the loft door and pack away the steps.
‘Aren’t you going to show me?’ I asked as she had zipped up again.
‘No the dress will need to be checked over, aired and ironed before you see it so you’ll have to wait for a while. I’ll have both of the dresses ready for you to try on by Monday evening.’
‘Alright then, I’ll look forward to seeing them.’
Having spent most of my day looking quite glamorous, I now felt a little bit scruffy wearing jeans and a pink sweatshirt given to me by Sonia. I therefore changed back into the dress that I’d been wearing.
‘If you are going to remain as Michelle for an extra six weeks then you are going to need some more clothes, you won’t only be able to manage with those you have borrowed.’
‘I suppose so. I have nearly a thousand pounds in my deposit account, as I’ll be earning some more money over the next few weeks, perhaps I could dip into that and get myself some clothes.’
‘Alright and maybe I could get you something nice as an early Christmas present, as well.’
‘But Christmas is ten weeks away!’ I said.
‘Yes, but you know I like to be organised in plenty of time.’
‘I’m likely to be out of the office much more from now onwards and so we could meet up in Luton and do some shopping together during my lunch breaks or after I finish work sometime, if you like,’ I suggested.
‘I knew that I was going to enjoy having a daughter,’ said Mum, smiling.
I smiled back, but I was beginning to wonder about the future. I had to admit that I was enjoying myself as Michelle, especially for the opportunities it was giving me both to improve my dancing and also to take on new responsibilities at work. I was also pleased that Mum was so positive about it, but how easy was it going to be to extricate myself at the end of the year?
Alan and I had our first Tango practice session the following day and, as I expected, we didn’t do at all badly. In its original form the Argentine Tango was supposed to portray the love-hate relationship between a prostitute and her pimp and was filled with aggressive and suggestive moves. However, over the years a simpler, less vulgar, form was developed for popular consumption. The American style, in particular, became extremely popular and influenced many famous dancers of the stage and screen. It was this ‘toned down’ version we were planning to dance. Whether anyone would go for the more authentic Argentinian version later in the series remained to be seen, as the four ‘Latin dances’ for the last two sessions had not yet been decided.
Alan was not a particularly imaginative choreographer, but he was good at picking up new dances quickly and offering suggestions as to how they might be improved, so between us we made a good team. Thus after ninety minutes of practice we were both satisfied with our progress. We then decided to do a quick run through of my ideas for the Charleston before meeting up with the other couples on Tuesday.
‘Mum thinks that we ought to include a brief tap routine in the Charleston. If I give you a fairly simple intro incorporating a few basic steps, how would you feel if I then responded with a flourish?’
‘Great idea, let’s go for it.’
I showed him what I had in mind and we agreed to incorporate it in our planned routine. We also agreed to have one further session with the two of us on the Thursday as he and David were planning to be away the following weekend.
Next time: Additional duties
I shall be overseas next week, returning on 9th March. I will post the next chapter as soon as I can after my return.
Thanks to Bronwen for editing and to everyone else for comments and kudos which are always appreciated.Louise
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New responsibilities at work
Ballroom dancing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realise just how important it would become in shaping my future until I had to take the place of one of my bosses following an accident.
Dancing Queen A novel by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright© 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Chapter 20 New duties
Sarah seemed to be happy but not particularly surprised when I announced on Monday morning that I was willing to accept the additional responsibilities offered, and straightaway asked me to deal with the Johnsons when they came in that afternoon. Rob, had had to go out to meet a client first thing and so she told him later. By this time the others were all out of the office so he asked to have a word with me in the back office whilst Sarah dealt with anyone who came in to the shop.
‘I’m glad that you’ve accepted our offer, Michelle. I believe that Sarah has mentioned, we would like you to take over as liaison between the vendors and purchasers for the Houghton Regis sale.’
‘Yes, I’m looking forward to it and will be seeing the purchasers when they come in later today.’
‘You will also have to deal with any issues raised by the vendors’ legal department.
‘I know, I understand from Helen that the best way is to get on friendly terms with their secretaries, that way you will tend to get things done more quickly,’ I replied.
‘I hope you don’t mind remaining as Michelle whilst it is all happening. The vendors are important clients who could give us more business which might keep us going during the recession. I want to give them the impression that we are an efficient company with a ‘professional’ staff.
‘So you think that Michelle is likely to be more ‘professional’ at her job than Michael was at his?’ I asked, teasing a little.
He looked a little embarrassed.
‘Well you said it, not me. I’m sure that Mike would have grown into the job in time, but somehow Michelle seems more ready to take on additional responsibilities. The main thing though is that I wouldn’t want them dealing with Michelle one week and then Michael the next.’
‘I understand, and you don’t need to worry Rob. It has been my decision to remain as Michelle; nobody has been pressuring me and it isn’t only because of work. I feel that Alan and I have done quite well so far with the demonstrations. I’ve had a long talk with Louise who would be more than happy for me to take over responsibility for her dances as well, so I would need to remain as a girl until early December, in any event.’
He smiled.
‘You and Alan haven’t just done ‘quite well’, you have both been brilliant and make an excellent partnership, so I’m pleased to hear that you are now offering to take over the remaining dances. I had wondered whether Sarah had strong-armed Louise into taking them over in the first place,’ he replied.
‘As she did with me,’ I replied smiling. ‘But please don’t worry. Of course I am sorry about Sarah’s accident but in the event I’m quite happy with the way things have worked out for me. In fact my decision to continue may even give Alan and I a chance to earn ourselves a little extra money before Christmas, if the Bristol group decide they want us to repeat our demonstration for them.’
‘What you do at weekends is up to you, but I think that you should also begin getting out of the office a little more to see how things are done. To begin with this will probably involve you going out with myself, Richard or Helen until we can send you out on your own.
‘What about my existing clerical duties?’
Sarah will do some of them as she is going to be tied to the office for the next few weeks. We can also leave some tasks for the weekend staff, but I hope we will all muck in and do whatever needs to be done.’
‘Yes, of course. I’ll be happy to do so.’
‘Sarah, Helen and I are all going to be in the office tomorrow, so how would you feel about going out with Richard for the day? He has to survey a house and some farm buildings near Leighton Buzzard and could do with an assistant to hold the tape and take notes. It will give you more of an idea of what he does.’
‘I would enjoy that very much.’
‘You may need to dress in a trouser suit and some sensible shoes, if you have some.’
‘I’m sure I can borrow one, and I keep a pair of flat heels at work in case I ever need to drive the car,’ I replied.
I told Mum about the latest developments at work over dinner that evening, and she offered to loan me her dark grey trouser suit which she said would be equally suitable for a girl my age to wear to work.
‘So who is this Richard?’ she asked.
‘He’s the guy you saw with my friend Helen on Saturday, the one who made a video of us dancing. He’s a qualified surveyor.’
‘Oh yes, he didn’t say much.’
‘I suppose not, but he is an excellent cameraman.’
‘I’m pleased that you’re being given more opportunities and responsibilities.
‘Yes; me too.’
‘They must think highly of you, after all you are still quite young to be representing the company.’
‘I guess so,’ I replied, conscious that Helen had been twenty-one before she’d been given such responsibilities, but I suppose Sarah’s accident had created an unexpected opening for me, albeit a temporary one.
Mum now seemed anxious to move on to another subject.
‘As we’ve finished dinner we can sort out your costumes for the next demonstration, if you like, Michelle.’
‘Alright,’ I said ‘I was wondering if you were planning to do so.’
‘You will find my black flapper-style dress hanging in your wardrobe. Why don’t you put it on and I’ll go and get the other accessories?’
It was a three-quarter length, sleeveless dress and so it was just as well that I now defuzzed my arms and armpits as a matter of course. The dress had a tassled hem, and 1920's art deco style beadwork, front and back. It had rather a low neck and I wouldn’t have been able to wear it without my latest breast forms, which I was now quite used to wearing. I put on the dress together with Mum’s black tap shoes, and she arrived with a matching headpiece with a feather, a feather boa and a long black bead necklace, which I also put on. I looked at myself in the mirror and felt like a character attending one of the The Great Gatsby’s famous parties. I couldn’t wait to show off the outfit to Alan and the other dancers.
‘The dress comes with a pair of elbow length black gloves, but I doubt if you would want to wear them when you’re dancing.’
‘I suppose I could start off with them, and then get Alan to pull them off for me during the course of the dance,’ I said half in jest.
‘You’re supposed to be dancing the Charleston, not doing a striptease,’ said Mum, fairly primly.
‘Alright, but do you mind if I wear this dress and the accessories to the rehearsal tomorrow night so I can show the others what I have in mind?’
‘Yes, go ahead but make sure it doesn’t get dirty as it is the devil to clean with all that beadwork.’
‘So that is my costume for the Charleston sorted, what do you have in mind for the Tango?’ I asked.
‘Come through to my bedroom, I’ve something to show you.’
Mum opened her wardrobe and took out a dress which she hung on the door so that I could inspect it. I’d not seen it before, or at least I’d only ever seen it in the photograph that Mum showed to me on the first occasion she had met me as Michelle. It was the full length deep carmine red dress which she’d worn when she won her first championship. It was backless, but with a halter-style neck and the front decorated with silver and rhinestones to represent a bird’s feathers. It also came with a matching net underskirt, and two matching floats attached to rhinestone armbands and two rhinestone bracelets. (It is the dress that I’m wearing in the picture attached to this story.)
‘This used to be my favourite dress and has many happy memories for me. I think it should be ideal for you when you dance the Tango.’
‘Wow, Mum, it looks really gorgeous,’ I said.
‘Yes it does and moves well whilst you are dancing as well. Would you like to try it on?’
‘Are you sure that you want me to wear it?’ I asked.
‘Of course I am. Once I stopped dancing for a while when I was pregnant with you I began to put on some weight in my hips and was never able to wear it again. I was intending to alter it but never got round to doing so. I think it should be alright for you to wear, though.’
‘Shall we see whether or not it fits me?’
‘As it is backless you won’t be able to wear a bra but there are bra cups sewn in to the bodice which will keep your boobs under control whilst you are dancing.’
It no longer seemed odd to be discussing my boobs with Mum.
‘Alright,’ I said removing my bra and stepping in to the dress.
‘It might have been made for you and seems apart from the fastening at the back which requires a little attention,’ said Mum. ‘I’ll have to use a safety pin for now but I can easily fix that for you.'
I looked at myself in the full-length mirror but didn’t say anything.
‘I always found the dress was good to dance in, and never hampered my movement in any way,’ she continued. ‘So what do you think?’
‘I think the dress is lovely but the colour is rather bright. Are you sure that it looks alright on me?
‘Yes of course I’m sure. It is called American Rose,’ she replied. ‘If you are going to wear the dress we will have to get you some lipstick and nail varnish to match.’
‘What about shoes?’ I asked.
‘I used to wear this dress with a pair of black high heeled dance shoes,’ she replied.
‘In that case I’ll do the same.’
I retrieved a pair from my room and put them on.
‘What do you think?’
‘They look great. There are some rhinestone grips to wear in your hair and a red ribbon to match the dress.’
She made a few final adjustments and then I got up and again walked over to the full-length mirror.
‘I think you should look pretty eye-catching dancing the Tango in that, what do you think?’ she asked.
‘Oh Mum, I should love to be able to wear it.’
‘Good, I would love you to wear it as well,’ she said smiling. ‘So that is your two costumes for the next demonstration decided.
‘Fine, I’ll take your flapper dress to a rehearsal, but I intend to keep this one a secret until the day of the demonstration and surprise everyone.’
‘Maybe you had better tell Sarah what you are planning.’
‘Alright but it will be a surprise to all of the other dancers.’
If I’d learned one thing during the two and a half weeks that I’d been living as Michelle full-time, it was how important the right outfit and grooming were to how a woman feels about herself, whether at home, at work or when she was in some social situation. As Michael, so long as I was wearing clothes that were clean and reasonably smart, that was all that I thought about the matter, but things were somewhat more complicated for Michelle. I now gave thought to what clothes were going to be appropriate in terms of look, style, and practicality. I was now more conscious of how I looked and regularly glanced in the mirror to make sure that my hair was tidy and to check whether my makeup needed refreshing. In some respects this was a bit of a chore, but was more than compensated for by the pleasure one felt at looking good. This was equally true on the dance floor, at work and at home.
Next time: Working with Richard.
I am now back from my travels and so I will endeavour to resume weekly postings at weekends. Thanks to Bronwen for editing and to everyone else for comments and kudos which are always appreciated.Louise
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Working with Richard
Ballroom dancing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realise just how important it would become in shaping my future until I had to take the place of one of my bosses following an accident.
Dancing Queen A novel by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright© 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Chapter 21 Working with Richard
Apart from my brief venture into our loft, the following day was the first time in a fortnight that I’d worn a pair of trousers rather than a skirt or a dress. There was no doubt that I was going in to work as Michelle, though, since I was wearing the pale pink silk blouse and still retained the crystal drop earrings from the previous weekend. I also had to wear the pink lingerie set that Mum had bought for me recently as they were the only clean underclothes I had left. This set included a suspender belt and came with a pair of stockings, which was just as well as I had also run out of tights and didn’t wish to go into work wearing a pair of socks if I could avoid it. Mum was going to do some laundry that day and so I would probably be alright for the remainder of the week, but this reminded me that now Michelle was going to be around for the next two and a half months I was going to need some more clothes. I therefore promised myself to take some money from my savings account and treat myself to some new sets of underwear and pairs of tights at the first available opportunity.
I made the journey into work wearing my heels, as usual, intending to change into my flats when I needed to go out with Richard. I also took in Mum’s flapper-style dress and accessories with me together my tap shoes. I was planning to meet up with Alan immediately after work for a quick practice session before we unveiled our plans to the other dancers. I suppose I could have danced the Charleston wearing the trouser suit but I was keen to show the others the effect I hoped to achieve.
‘I see you are wearing stockings and suspenders today – very sexy,’ whispered Helen to me as I was changing my shoes.
‘It was all I had left that was clean,’ I said blushing slightly.
‘Oh, I assumed they were for Richard’s benefit,’ she replied, with a wicked grin, but then noticed I was getting embarrassed.
‘Sorry; I was only teasing,’ she said.
‘But how did you know?’ I asked.
‘How did I know what? That you were wearing stockings or that you quite like the look of our surveyor?’
‘The former, of course, since the latter isn’t even true,’ I said, continuing to blush.
‘The rubber discs that hold up your stockings make a slight protrusion mark under your trousers which is visible when you bend over or sit down,’ she replied.
It occurred to me that girls were much more observant about such things than men.
Richard and I left the office together at ten o’clock and spent most of the remainder of the morning beyond Leighton Buzzard where he had to survey some farm buildings. He was more business-like and not so chatty as Helen during the twenty-five minute car journey but he answered all my questions about what he did. When we got to the farm he clearly explained to me what he wanted me to do, and why, so I had no difficulty following his instructions. In fact we worked well together and had completed all the survey work shortly before one o’clock.
‘We’ve finished sooner than I’d expected but it’s going to take us some time to drive back to the office; how would you fancy having some lunch at a local pub first?’ he asked.
‘Alright, that would be fine by me,’ I replied, even though it would mean that I would have to defer my planned lingerie shopping expedition for a day or so.
He drove us to ‘The Grand Union at the Three Locks’ at Stoke Hammond nearby. As its name suggested it was a refurbished canal-side inn, somewhat more expensive than I would normally wish to pay for my lunch during the week.
‘What would you like to eat, Michelle?’ he asked. ‘I’ll treat you.’
‘Thanks, but I can pay for my own lunch,’ I said and went ahead and ordered and paid for a toasted sandwich.
‘Well at least let me buy you a drink to thank you for your help this morning.’
‘Alright then, I’ll have an orange juice please.’
I retired to the ‘Ladies’ to check on my hair and makeup whilst he waited for our orders to be prepared. I emerged just as he was carrying them over to a table near to the window.
‘Thanks, Richard,’ I said with a smile as I sat down.
‘Thank you for your help this morning.’
I was about to reply that it was part of my job, but stopped myself from doing so as this might sound ungracious. I therefore responded with a smile and a nod. Then there was an awkward silence where neither of us knew what to say next.
‘Come on, say something, it’s the guy’s job to initiate the conversation, after all,’ I thought to myself, but apparently to no avail.
The silence was beginning to get embarrassing.
‘To be honest, I was a little surprised that you are willing to be seen out with me in public,’ I offered, and then wished I hadn’t said it.
He looked a little awkward.
‘Maybe for the first few days I wasn’t sure what to make of ‘Michelle’, I suppose I thought of you as a guy pretending to be a girl,’ he replied.
‘But not now?’ I asked.
‘No, not after I saw you dancing with Alan for the first time and then you had your makeover. I started to see you in a different light. Then last Saturday’s performance was wonderful. You really are a great dancer.’
He sounded as if he meant it.
‘Thank you,’ I replied beginning to colour.
‘But I just wonder how I will feel about you once you re-appear at work as Mike,’ he continued.
‘Me too!’ I said, blushing.
‘That’s why I was pleased when you were offered a contract until the end of the year.’
‘Yes it puts off that awkward day,’ I replied.
There was another awkward silence.
‘Have you ever been clubbing, Michelle?’
‘No, I’m afraid not, it’s quite a different kind of dancing to ballroom.’
‘I know, but you might find that you enjoyed it all the same. I could take you some time if you were interested.’
I looked up, quite surprised.
‘I don’t think Helen would be too impressed with me if I went clubbing with her boyfriend.’
He smiled.
‘You have the wrong idea, Helen and I have been friends for several years and go out together from time to time, but we have never been what you might call “an item,” as you seem to believe.’
‘Oh! I assumed you were as you had a meal together last Saturday evening.’
He laughed.
‘We spent most of the evening discussing you and your dancing. In fact it was Helen who suggested to me that I should offer to take you clubbing as a means of fending off any unwelcome attention from potential male admirers – assuming of course that such attentions would be unwelcome.’
I blushed as I realised my mistake. In some ways it came as a relief to find that my two workmates had not been going out together, but in other respects it put my own feelings into a quandary.
‘Well, what do you think?’ he asked.
‘I don’t know, Richard, I’m not sure I’m ready to go out on a date as Michelle.’
‘I’m only offering to take you dancing, that’s all.’
I blushed again.
‘Alright, on the understanding that we are just going out dancing as two friends, I should be happy to go with you,’ I replied.
‘Helen has her eyes set on some guy she has met recently. I could suggest that we go as a foursome, if that would be easier for you.’
‘Alright then, if it suits you as well.’
‘Are you doing anything this coming Saturday night?’
‘No I don’t think so.’
‘Then would you like to go to the Diamond Nightclub in Cheapside?’
‘ I’ll look forward to it,’ I replied smiling
He looked happy as well.
‘I’ll pick you up at 10.00pm at your place.’
‘Alright then,’ I said and gave him my home address.
As we drove back to the office after lunch I began to wonder just what I’d let myself in for? What was Mum going to say when a guy turned up at the door wanting to take me out, and what would I wear?
I hoped to have a quiet private talk with Helen during the course of the afternoon and ask her advice but didn’t get any chance to do so. It wasn’t until work was over and I’d changed into the flapper-style outfit that we got a chance to speak.
‘Michelle you look wonderful in that dress, I can’t wait to see your final performance,’ she said as she was just packing up to leave.
‘Thanks, I don’t suppose you would you be free for lunch tomorrow?’ I asked ‘There’s something I would like to discuss with you.’
‘Yes, of course, I’m going to be in the office for most of the day. I understand we’re all going clubbing on Saturday, and I’ll want to hear how you got on with Richard this morning.’
The practice session for the Charleston went really well. The other dancers involved were all happy with my plans and several of the ladies admired my outfit. The three other couples were able to leave a space centre stage to enable Alan and I to perform our one-minute solo insert to the dance. Alan had clearly been practicing his tap dancing and he was able to provide a respectable intro to my more ambitious routine. This went equally well and I got a round of applause from the other dancers and one or two spectators after we had finished. Alan also asked my plans for the Tango, but I told him that I was still working on them. We had a full ten days left before the performance and so he wasn’t too anxious.
Sarah was sitting at the edge of the hall, looking a little glum, no doubt sorry for what she was missing as a result of her accident. I therefore went over to talk with her.
‘Hi Sarah, what did you think?’
‘It was great. I’d really no idea that you were going to turn into such a good dancer.’
‘Thanks, I’ve never really had the chance to show off before. But I’m no better dancer than you were, or indeed will be again as soon as your leg is healed.’
‘Perhaps,’ she replied sounding unconvinced, ‘but that is still likely to be some time yet,’ she replied sadly.
‘Is there any news about when your leg can come out of plaster?’ I asked.
‘I asked them during my last appointment. Unfortunately it will not be until the beginning of December before the cast comes off. Then there will be the need for physiotherapy. With luck and determination, I might be back on the dance floor in time for the New Year’s Eve Ball.’
‘I am sorry, if I can help in any way please let me know.’
‘You are already helping a lot, and doing a great job.’
I arrived home at ten thirty. Mum was more interested in hearing how the dancing practice session had gone before she went to bed so there was no need for me to discuss my day at work. This was just as well as I was still not sure what I thought about it. In fact I spent an hour or more going through the events of the last few weeks in my mind trying to work out what I felt about it all before eventually falling asleep.
Next time:
Thanks to Bronwen for editing and to everyone else for comments and kudos which are always appreciated.Louise
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’You can’t be two people at once !’
Ballroom dancing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realise just how important it would become in shaping my future until I had to take the place of one of my bosses following an accident.
Dancing Queen A novel by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Chapter 22 Who am I?
‘I understand that you thought Richard and I were having a fling together,’ said Helen, as we walked down the High Street towards our chosen café the following lunch time.
‘Sorry if I jumped to the wrong conclusion when he took you out for a meal last Saturday night’
‘That must have put your nose out of joint,’ she said chuckling.
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well you do look doe-eyed at him at times, Michelle.’
‘I think you’re imagining things.’
‘Am I? Alright, I’ll take your word for it,’ she said sounding unconvinced. ‘Let’s get ourselves something to eat and then you can tell me how you got on together yesterday morning.’
We each purchased a bowl of soup and a roll and took it over to a corner table.
‘So what was it that you needed to talk to me about, young lady?’ Helen asked.
‘As you know, Richard has offered to take me clubbing next Saturday along with you and this guy that you fancy.’
‘His name is Joe, and I wouldn’t say that I fancy him so much as I’m prepared to give him a test drive,’ Helen interrupted.
‘OK, but although I agreed to go with Richard, I’m now beginning to wonder whether it was such a good idea.’
‘Why ever not? I thought you wanted to learn about disco and EDM.’
‘EDM?’ I said, puzzled.
‘Electronic dance music, of course, I thought you were the expert in these things.’
‘If it were only about the dancing there would be no problem. That’s the good thing about being Alan’s partner; he’s a great dancer but at the end of the day I know there will be no complications’
‘But you think there might be complications’ with Richard?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘But you suspect so?’
I avoided responding directly.
‘But that isn’t the only thing. What is my mother going to say when he turns up at our place on Saturday expecting to take me out clubbing? In any event, I’ve never been clubbing before and wouldn’t know what to do or what to wear.’
‘Hmm, it seems to me that there are several different issues tied up here. Let’s try to unravel them.’
‘Alright.’
‘First of all, Richard is offering to take you dancing in a night club – that is all. Whether anything else happens between the pair of you afterwards is up to you both to decide; so don’t worry about it. He knows exactly who you are and who you were so you will hardly be deceiving him.’
‘But you are now talking as if Mike is entirely in the past. We will have to work together next year.’
She shrugged.
‘That will be up to you to decide in due course; you never know but you might come to realise that you are better off as a girl.’
I didn’t respond, being unwilling to venture any further into that realm. Helen therefore continued talking.
‘As to your mother, I thought you said to me that she was enjoying having a daughter around, especially one who goes dancing.’
‘Yes, she is.’
‘Well eighteen year old daughters tend to have boyfriends and go out dancing with them. It is a fact of life.’
‘I suppose so.’
‘Now turning to the most important question, we have to decide what you are going to wear on Saturday night. It can get quite hot in these clubs so you are going to want to wear a dress that is fairly skimpy. Do you have anything that fits that description?’
‘Not really, Mum’s dance costumes are all designed for ballroom dancing and the clothes given to me by Louise would not fit the bill.’
‘I expect I’ll be able to loan you something of mine.’
‘I can’t keep borrowing other people’s clothes all the time.’
‘In that case, why don’t we go out shopping together for something for you on Saturday morning? It needn’t cost you a fortune.’
‘I’m not sure, Helen,’ I said, although I was quite sure in my own mind.
It was as if she hadn’t heard my doubts, or else was choosing to ignore them.
‘I know! My parents are going to be away for the weekend and I’ll be on my own in the house. Why don’t you spend Friday night staying in my sister’s former bedroom? We can have a girly time going out shopping together on Saturday morning and then have fun getting ourselves ready to go out. The two guys can pick us up at my place and then you wouldn’t need to explain anything to your mother.’
‘I’d have to tell her where I was going, otherwise she would worry.’
‘But you’re a big girl now, Michelle, surely it is up to you to decide.’
I sighed.
‘I know, but Mum has suffered from depression ever since my father died and I wouldn’t want to upset or worry her if I can avoid it. I must admit though she has been a lot better recently.’
‘Do you need to tell her who you are going out with?’
‘I suppose I could just say that I was going out dancing with a few friends from work.’
‘So that is settled then?’
There seemed to be no point in arguing further.
‘Let me put the suggestion to Mum this evening and see how she reacts. I’ll let you know tomorrow.’
‘Look Michelle, you can’t be two people at once. Either you go back to being a stammering slightly nerdy guy named Mike, or you embrace life as a confident and attractive young woman named Michelle. Take you pick!’
‘Well if you put it like that …’
But she didn’t give me a chance to continue my answer.
‘Talk to your mother, if you need to, but you will soon need to decide who you really are.’
She now sounded quite serious.
‘I guess so.’
‘I shall be out of the office all morning so can you text me?’
‘Alright then.’
‘Good! So now you can tell me how you got on with Richard yesterday.’
During the course of the afternoon at work I thought about Helen’s comment concerning my embracing life as a confident and attractive young woman named Michelle. It put me in mind of some lines of verse that I remembered from somewhere.
It is not wise to try to add,
What you’ve got to what you’ve had.
It is never wise to try to share
Who you are, with who you were.
In many respects Helen was right. I had agreed to remain as Michelle until the end of the year for various reasons, but the overriding one was that I enjoyed doing so. In that case why shouldn’t I accept that fact and take full advantage of all the fun involved?
I needed to go out to the bank on work business during the course of the afternoon, and whilst I was there I withdrew two hundred and fifty pounds from my savings account, using the cash dispenser and Mike's bank card. This would delay my purchase of a second hand car, but if I was going to take full advantage of my time as Michelle over the coming weekend I would need some money.
Mum and I usually arranged to meet at the Asda Superstore near to where we lived, after work on one evening each week. We would have something to eat in the cafeteria before doing the weekly shopping for groceries and other items and then take a taxi home. I was not scheduled to have another practice session with Alan until the Thursday evening and so Mum and I had arranged to meet on Wednesday.
‘Whilst we are here, I’d like to get myself a few more sets of bras and panties so there will no longer be any danger of me ever running short again,’ I suggested.
‘Yes of course, dear, and it may be as well to get yourself a few extra pairs of tights, as well.’
We made our way over to the underwear counter and spent a few minutes choosing five sets of each and neither of us appeared to be awkward or embarrassed by the matter.
‘By the way I’ve fixed the fastening on that red dress this afternoon; shall we see if we can find you a lipstick and some nail varnish to match?’ suggested Mum.
‘How will you be sure to get the colour just right?’ I asked.
‘I’ve brought the hair ribbon with me so we can check.’
We made our way over to the cosmetics counter and spent a further ten minutes deciding on the closest match, before paying for our various purchases and taking a taxi home.
‘Would you like to try on that dress again, now that it is fixed and we have the right cosmetics?’ asked Mum once we’d finished stowing away the groceries.
I was hoping that she would make that suggestion.
‘Yes please, so we can get an idea of the overall effect.’
‘First of all I want you to remove the makeup you’re wearing, including your existing nail polish, so we can start with a clear canvas. When you have finished come through to my bedroom.’
I changed out of my work clothes and put on a housecoat, removed all trace of makeup and tied back my hair. I also took out my earrings as I was now quite sure that the holes had healed. When I came to her bedroom she invited me to sit down at the dressing table. She drew up a second stool.
‘I’ll do your nails first of all, so I can fix your hair and makeup whilst they are drying.’
She filed my nails into shape and then buffed the surface with an emery board before applying a clear base coat. Whilst this was drying she began to apply foundation to my face. Next came two coats of the bright red nail varnish which she expertly applied. In this respect she was equally competent as Joan had been. Mum had helped me with my makeup once or twice before but this was the first time that she’d done my nails for me.
‘That feels nice, I could get used to being pampered like this,’ I said.
Mum smiled.
‘I am happy to help my daughter look her best. Women who only have sons do miss out on some pleasures in later life.’
For some reason I now felt closer to her than I’d ever done before.
‘Mum?’
‘Yes dear?’
‘I’ve been invited to go clubbing on Saturday night with a couple of people from work. Helen has also invited me to spend Friday night and Saturday with her so we can get ready to go out together.’
‘That’s nice dear. When do you expect to be home on Saturday?’
‘It is a night club so I won’t expect to be home until the early hours of the morning on Sunday, long after you have gone to bed.’
‘Well, remember your key and be sure to take care of yourself, won’t you.’
‘Of course.’
‘I assume there will be some young men going as well.’
‘It is a dance, Mum.’
‘Yes, of course. All I would say is to take care and be honest.’
‘What do you mean by that, Mum?’
‘Be honest with yourself and to whoever you are out with.’
‘I will, Mum.’
She then returned to the issue in hand.
‘I’ll just do your face now. Once your nails are dry, we’ll dip your fingertips into ice cold water for a while to harden the nail varnish, then you can put on the dress and we’ll see how you look in that outfit.’
As soon as my nails were dry I sent a quick text message to Helen, whilst Mum was doing my hair for me.
‘Have decided to take your advice and embrace life as Michelle. I’d like to stay on Friday if the offer is still open.’
A few minutes later came the response.
‘Great news, now make sure you stick to that decision! I’m looking forward to our weekend.’
Half an hour later Mum helped me get into the red dress, fixed my hair, complete with the red ribbon and diamonte hair grips, found me a new pair of matching earrings to wear and finished my makeup. I then stood up and put on my black dance shoes.
‘Well, what do you think?’ I asked.
Mum didn’t answer at first but I could see a tear forming in the corner of her eye.
‘Whatever is the matter, Mum?’ I asked.
‘You look so lovely, Michelle. I do enjoy having you as my daughter, but it is not fair on you. I have no right to encourage you in this way. Only you have the right to decide for yourself how you want to live your life.’
I walked over to her and hugged her.
‘Mum you are not encouraging me to do anything against my will. I voluntarily decided to stay as Michelle until the end of the year, and now I’ve made that decision I intend to take full advantage of the opportunities afforded.’
‘But we all talked you into it.’
‘Not really; I didn’t take that much persuading. Perhaps I was little anxious about how you would feel about having Michelle around for three months but if anything it seems to have brought us closer together.’
‘I am so pleased that I’ve had this opportunity to get to know Michelle.’
I smiled.
‘Good, now tell me what you really think about this outfit.’
Thanks to Bronwen for editing and to everyone else for comments and kudos which are always appreciated.Louise
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Waiting for the weekend
Ballroom dancing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realise just how important it would become in shaping my future until I had to take the place of one of my bosses following an accident.
Dancing Queen A novel by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Chapter 23 Thursday and Friday
Having now accepted to myself that I would be going clubbing with Richard on Saturday night, I was anxious to get the next couple of days at work over with as soon as possible. My weekend would begin when I went home with Helen on Friday evening and I was looking forward to the two of us spending the following day together getting ourselves ready to go out.
Both Rob and Richard were out of the office for the whole day on Thursday and Helen had a number of appointments to show clients round houses during the morning. Thus only Sarah and I were in the office and we were both kept fairly busy. I now had my own desk diary, and so having first checked that Helen was likely to be in the office the following morning, I arranged for me to show another couple around a number of our properties in Luton before I came in to the office. I also asked Sarah whether I might therefore take the office pool car home with me after work so that I’d be able to meet them and then drive them on a second address. She agreed, which was also useful as it would also be available to me when I met Alan for a practice session at the Dance Studio that evening. Thus when he rang during the morning to confirm the arrangements I told him that I had no need for a lift.
‘That’s fine then, Michelle, I’ll see you there. By the way there are two dates to mark in your diary - 15th November and 13th December. We are going to be giving a couple of demonstrations and master classes in Bristol.’
‘So you didn’t frighten them off with the fees, after all,’ I commented.
‘Apparently not; we will each receive two hundred and fifty pounds for each session, plus our reasonable expenses.’
‘Wow!’ I said, a little surprised that they’d agreed to such a sum.
He was about to go into more detail but I noticed the Johnsons, currently my favourite clients, coming through the door.
‘Can I call you back later, Alan, things are a little hectic here at present?’ I said.
‘Don’t worry, I’ll tell you all about it when I see you this evening.’
‘We didn’t want to interrupt you dear,’ said Mrs Johnson as I put down the phone and gave them both a broad smile.
‘No problem, it was just my dance partner, I’m sure he can wait. Now what can I do for you both?’
There turned out to be no great problem regarding the Johnsons, just a couple of questions prior to the exchange of contracts that I was easily able to answer. In fact all seemed to be going well with their house purchase and we seemed likely to earn our fee and also perhaps other commissions to sell houses for the same vendors.
Things did quieten down a little after 11.00am so I used the opportunity to make Sarah and myself a mug of coffee.
‘I do like your nails, Michelle,’ she said as I handed it to her. ’They look very smart.’
‘Thanks, but do you think they may be a little too bright for work?’ I replied inspecting them.
I had been regularly wearing nail varnish but usually with fairly subdued colours as I was conscious of Sarah’s previous guidance as to what was appropriate dress for work.
‘No, of course not, that colour looks good on you. You shouldn’t be afraid of wearing strong colours if they suit you.’
‘Thanks. Actually I’m planning to wear a dress of this colour for one of the next demonstration dances. It belongs to Mum but you never saw it when you came round to our place. She had forgotten that it needed to be repaired, but she has done so now.’
‘What do you think?’ I asked as I showed her a picture that Mum had taken of me the previous night, on my mobile phone.
‘Wow, Michelle, you look so lovely. You really will be the ‘Queen of the Dance’ at the coming demonstration,’ she commented, wistfully.
I coloured slightly and thanked her. Her comment struck me as she had been the acknowledged local ‘Queen of the Dance’ for some time past. Perhaps she was beginning to realise that she would have to give way to a younger woman? I had always admired Sarah as a dancer and liked her as my boss. It was sad that it seemed to be me who had taken her place, and also in such circumstances.
‘Sarah, it now looks as if Alan and I are going to be earning some extra money from giving dance demonstrations in a week or two. I think I should therefore pay you the cost of the breast forms that I’m wearing.’
‘No that’s alright; I’ve already discussed it with Rob. When we get the bill from Joan we will treat it as a legitimate business expense – after all they are necessary for you to fulfil your new role at work.’
‘You might have a difficult time explaining why this should be so to a tax inspector,’ I replied laughing.
‘In that case I hope we are never called on to do so,’ she replied.
At that point the office phone rang and so we both resumed our normal work.
Helen came in to work after lunch and announced that she’d also succeeded in negotiating a sale, which put us all in a good mood.
‘I can see you’ve already started embracing life as Michelle, I do like your flashy nails,’ she said during a quiet moment. ‘I am sure Richard will approve when he sees them.’
I coloured a little and attempted to change the subject.
‘Mum did them for me,’ I replied.
‘So have you told her about the coming weekend?’
‘Mostly, and she guessed the rest.’
‘How did she react?’
‘Remarkably well, in the circumstances. She appeared to take the news quite calmly and just told me to take care.’
‘So are you now willing to acknowledge your femininity and enjoy a girly weekend with me?’
‘I guess so!’ I replied, examining my nails and smiling.
‘Good! Bring an overnight case into work with you tomorrow, and we’ll go home together after work.’
‘Alright, but I still don’t know what I’m going to wear on Saturday night.’
‘I’ve had an idea, which I’ll tell you about tomorrow evening, and if it doesn’t work out we will still be able to go into Luton on Saturday morning to find your something.’
My evening practice session with Alan went pretty well and we ran through my plans for the American Smooth Tango, and had one further go at the tap routine in the Charleston, during which we added a few more steps for Alan as he had been practising hard. This was going to be our last opportunity to deal with any major issues before the next demonstration as, for various reasons, we were both going to be occupied over the coming weekend and for several days during the coming week. After this session we would only have a brief opportunity to go through both dances the following Tuesday. However, by the end of the evening we were happy with the way things had gone.
‘Are we going to need a dress rehearsal?’ Alan asked.
‘I don’t think that we’ll have the time,’ I replied. ‘I assume that you will be wearing my father’s suit for both the dances.’
‘Yes. I’ve seen the dress you will be wearing for the Charleston. Have you decided what to wear for the Tango yet?’
‘Yes, I’m going to be wearing another of Mum’s dresses.’
I showed him the picture of me.
‘What do you think?’
‘Wow, that really looks great. Exactly right for a tango.’
Alan also told me the details that he’d agreed about our forthcoming demonstration sessions in Bristol. In spite of my being a little bit miffed about the assumption of my not being capable of discussing business matters, I was actually quite happy to leave such negotiations to him. After all, he was always willing to leave the details of the dance content to me.
‘The two sessions will use the same music and choreography that we have already worked out for our solo demonstrations of the Foxtrot and the Quickstep so they shouldn’t create a lot of additional work for us although we may need a practice session beforehand. After each demonstration we have been asked to conduct a one hour master class for some of their members. You will coach the ladies and I will do so for the gents.’
‘That sounds alright to me,’ I replied knowing that I have conducted several such classes in the past.
‘In some respects is a pity you’re only available until the end of the year as I suspect they may have been interested in a few more sessions early next year,’ he continued.
I shrugged my shoulders, but didn’t say anything in reply, not wishing to think about the New Year.
‘I’ve already mentioned the fee. In addition there will be one hundred pounds per session to cover our expenses. I think that fifty of that should cover the cost of David’s petrol if he drives us. The remainder can be yours to cover the cost of any hairdos and makeup, you need.’
‘Thank you. So far people have been very generous, but if we are going to earn some money from our efforts then it is only right for me to pay the correct fees. It is surprising how much makeup costs and I may also need to have my hair extensions renewed by that time and I can’t keep expecting Joan to do them for nothing.’
Friday turned out to be an excellent day for me at work. During the course of the morning I negotiated my second ever house sale, although I hadn’t particularly expected to do so. The couple I was showing round had obviously been looking for some time and knew what was available and at what price. They had been just checking up on a few points before making an offer. By the time I had finished showing them round I was surprised that they made a very sensible offer directly to me, which I knew the vendors would be willing to accept. I telephoned Sarah in the office, who was delighted. She promised to contact the vendors and have an answer by the time we all got back to the office. An hour later their offer had been accepted and I began to fill in the necessary paperwork.
‘Congratulations Michelle, that’s our fifth house sale this week, and there are a number of promising enquiries; things are definitely improving.’
‘Thanks,’ I said. ‘I wasn’t really expecting a decision straight away. I suppose I was just lucky.’
‘Two house sales in as many weeks, that is more than I was able to achieve when I started,’ commented Helen.
‘Thanks, but the second one was just good luck.’
‘By the way have you brought your stuff for the weekend in to work?’
‘Yes, I borrowed a weekend case from Mum. I’ve packed a nightdress, some makeup and a change of clothes for tomorrow, but I’ve still no idea as to what I’m going to be wearing on Saturday night.
‘Don’t worry, everything is in hand,’ she replied.
Richard arrived back in the office at about four thirty. It was the first occasion I’d had a chance to talk to him about anything other than work matters since he had asked me out.
‘I understand from Helen that I’m now going to be picking you up from her house on Saturday night, Michelle,’ said Rich to me as we were all packing up to leave on Friday afternoon.
‘Yes please, but I could do with a lift back to my own home afterwards, if you don’t mind,’ I replied.
(After all I had no wish to play gooseberry between Helen and her Joe, if things worked out well between them during the course of the evening.)
‘Yes of course, I’m looking forward to tomorrow night.’
He looked as if he meant it.
‘Me too,’ I replied, smiling.
Helen looked on as if she was satisfied that her plans were coming to fruition.
Next time: My Saturday with Helen
Thanks to Bronwen for editing and to everyone else for comments and kudos which are always appreciated.Louise
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Girly preparations
Ballroom dancing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realise just how important it would become in shaping my future until I had to take the place of one of my bosses following an accident.
Dancing Queen A novel by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Chapter 24 My Weekend with Helen
Helen lived with her parents in a three-bedroomed semi-detached house in a 1970s development about a twenty minute walk from our work. Her elder sister was now living in Croydon and her parents had gone to visit her for a few days.
‘Mum prepared something for us to eat before she left, it will just be a question of our heating it through later,’ she said.
‘That’s fine by me.’
‘You can use my sister’s former bedroom tonight; it’ll have everything you need to get yourself ready tomorrow night. Just put your case inside the door for now and come through to my bedroom as I’ve had an idea about what you can wear tomorrow night.’
I did as she instructed and joined Helen in her bedroom. Both rooms seemed so much more comfortable and welcoming than my own bedroom at home, with their carefully co-ordinated colour schemes, soft pastel furnishings and thoughtful arrangement of mirrors and lighting.
‘It was your fancy red nail polish that gave me the idea,’ she announced as I entered. ‘You will no doubt discover that a girl can sometimes get carried away and buy something that looks great in the shop but as soon as she gets it home it turns out to have been a mistake.’
She reached in to her wardrobe and pulled out a bright red mini-dress with a halter top. It was the same colour as the one I was planning to wear next weekend to dance the tango.
‘This dress was one of my mistakes; it looks great but doesn’t really suit my colouring. But I have a feeling it will look just right on you though.’
‘Helen, I can’t keep borrowing other people’s clothes all the time. I was prepared to find something for myself tomorrow and had taken out some money from my savings account for that purpose.’
‘At least try it on. It has only been worn once and then for only half an hour or so. If it fits you and you like it, you are welcome to buy it from me for £25.00 which is less than half of what I paid for it.’
I had to admit to myself that it did look nice.
‘I suppose I could try it on,’ I offered.
‘Good, take off your existing dress, and also your bra as you are going to need a strapless one. I’ll loan you one of mine for now and you could buy yourself one tomorrow.’
I did as she asked and Helen handed me a bra from her drawer.
‘How are your boobs these days?’ she asked.
‘They’re fine thanks, most of the time I forget that they are not the real thing. I’ll leave them in place for the time being but I plan to remove and re-affix them in time for next weekend.’
Helen helped me into the dress which was rather skimpy and quite different from anything that Mum or Louise had loaned to me, but it fitted me alright and felt nice to wear. Upon inspection in Helen’s full-length mirror there was no doubt that the colour suited me.
‘Well, what do you think?’ she asked.
‘I don’t know; I like the colour but it is rather short. I would feel quite exposed. What do you think?’ I asked.
‘I think you look really great wearing it,’ she replied smiling. ‘You look sexy but without appearing trashy. If you do decide to wear it I can see that I’ll have to keep a close eye on Joe.’
‘But don’t you think there is a danger that I might give myself away if I wore this tomorrow night?’ I asked.
‘Maybe we will need to undertake a little taping to ensure that there are no visible bulges down below, or perhaps you could get yourself some control briefs; but I think your boobs should be alright,’ she replied.
‘I suppose it does look nice,’ I commented as I gradually got used to the sight of myself in the mirror.
‘It looks great on you, but on me it made me look as if I was suffering from some skin complaint. My sister commented that I looked like a raspberry with legs,’ she said laughing.
‘In that case I’ll accept your offer, on condition that you help me to get ready tomorrow,’ I said, handing over the £25.00 for the dress.
‘It’s a deal, but that doesn’t excuse you from coming shopping with me in Luton tomorrow morning as there are a couple of things I will need. Also I’ve had a few ideas as to how you might spend the money that you’ve just saved yourself.’
Helen’s telephone rang at that point and so we never did get to discuss her plans.
Now that I’d finally made up my mind to embrace life as Michelle, at least for the next ten weeks, Helen was clearly determined to make sure that there would be no backsliding on my part. Over dinner we discussed our beauty regimes for later that evening and the following day.
‘I’m going to need to defuzz my arms legs and armpits this evening, ready for tomorrow night, how about you Michelle?’ she asked.
‘I did mine last Friday and so I suppose it is time to do them again.’
(Fortunately I only ever needed to shave my chin every third or fourth day, although I had been doing so a lot more often since the advent of Michelle, just to be sure.)
‘Whilst we are at it we can also paint one another’s toenails, as well,’ suggested Helen.
Mine were already done but the colour would need to be changed as I planned in dancing in a pair of open-toed heels the following night. Fortunately I’d brought with me both the lipstick and nail varnish that I bought with Mum. Helen had noticed they would match my new dress.
‘What else will I need for my makeup tomorrow night?’ I asked as I fished out the bottle of nail varnish from my bag.
‘Don't overdo things, you will only need a small amount of foundation and concealer and put on a light blush.’
‘What about my eyes?’
‘You can use a little eye shadow, mascara and eyeliner, if you wish. Choose something a little subdued; a smokey eye would suit you and draw attention to your eyes.’
We also both washed our hair and then helped one another to style it ready for the following day.
‘These hair extensions are fine for work or when you are ballroom dancing, but I think your hair could really do with a little more length and body when we go out clubbing tomorrow night,’ she said as she curled my hair using a pair of tongs. ‘Why not use some of the money you saved to buy yourself some clip in hair pieces tomorrow? I could show you how to put them in.’
‘Are you sure they would not fall out during the course of the evening?’ I asked.
‘Not if you put them in properly in the first place.’
‘In the case I’ll let you decide, you are my mentor, after all,’ I replied.
Over the next hour, whilst our hair was drying, Helen chatted to me as if I always had been Michelle and I always would be. There was absolutely no reference or acknowledgment of any other life. We gossiped about her former boyfriends and our colleagues at work.
‘Rich is a great guy, but he’s a little too serious for his own good. You’re going to need to bring him out of his shell, tomorrow night.’
‘But I’ve never been clubbing before, I don’t even know what to do,’ I complained.
‘Michelle, you are the acknowledged Dancing Queen even Sarah says so, and she should know.
‘But that is for ballroom dancing, where there are strict rules about how to dance. Club dancing is entirely different, as far as I can see there are no rules.’
‘I know and that’s the attraction for people like me.’
‘But what will I do? I’ve never been to a nightclub before.’
‘Begin by sitting down, sipping your drink, making small talk and enjoying the music. Keep an eye on what other people are doing, and don’t leave it too long before you get up and start to dance. Don’t wait to be asked, Rich is your escort, he has asked you out, so there is no reason why you shouldn’t suggest to him that you should both get up and dance, If you sit around for too long some other guy might try his luck.’
‘But I won’t know any dance steps. I’d be frightened of showing us both up.’
‘Believe me Rich won’t be making a detailed critique of your style. He'll probably just be pleased to be dancing with such an attractive girl. He’ll be far more worried about how his own dancing looks to you.’
‘But what will other people think about me?’
‘Who cares? If there are any bystanders who seem to be judging you, it is because they're too nervous to try it themselves.’
‘I suppose so,’ I said sounding unconvinced.
‘Try and move to the rhythm and blend in to the crowd: that way you won't feel insecure since nobody will be able to recognize that you're just practicing. Don't be too vigorous and always be aware of your surroundings.’
‘I am not sure I will be able to blend in with the crowd in that dress you want me to wear.’
‘There will be more eye-catching costumes than that one on show. As far as your dancing is concerned try to be low key to begin with. You can demonstrate how good you are, and get invited to dance on the podium another time, once you’ve had a little more practice. It's okay to dance in a simple, repetitive way and just enjoy your friends' company.
‘Don't worry I won’t try any crazy moves. I’ll just blend in and be a bit boring and unoriginal.’
‘If you like we can practice a few basic moves tonight.’
‘Yes please.’
‘I assume you’ll be dancing in heels tomorrow night.’
‘Yes, I’m now quite used to wearing them and dancing in them.’
In that case put them on whilst I find us some suitable music.’
She docked her iPod into two speakers in her bedroom and began to play music with an insistent beat.
‘This is known as house music; there are various types of electronic music, each one has its own beat. You will soon get to recognise them.’
I felt as if I’d missed out on a whole area of my education as a teenager.
‘Begin by moving your arms back and forth in time to the beat. Now bounce up and down on your knees. Rotate your body a bit in time with your knee movements as if you're skiing. Keep your torso fairly loose and relaxed.’
I followed her instructions: it wasn’t too complicated; it was nothing like some of the moves I’d been used to.
‘Try relaxing your arms a bit and let them swing up and down with your knee bends and torso rotations.’
Once I’d got the hang of it I started to enjoy myself.
‘Don't just limply swing your arms, get your shoulders into it.’
It seemed odd to be following the same kinds of instructions that I would give to novice ballroom dancers.
‘Good, that’s right. Now take steps side to side, or back and forth, mix up your arm movements and nod your head. You’ll be able to add some more fancy moves and sequences later if you want to.’
‘Don’t we get to move around the floor?’ I asked.
‘You can move a little and exchange places with your partner if you like, but it is considered bad manners to go wandering round the floor or to invade other people’s dance space during any particular track. You and your partner find yourself a piece of the dance floor and then stick to it.‘
Over the next hour or so we tried several different musical styles: house, garage, elektro, hard core giving each one a few minutes practice. They all had their own distinctive style and beat but none of them was inherently complicated.
‘I’ll never be able to remember all of these by tomorrow night,’ I commented.
‘Don’t worry, just start to move your body to the sound of the music and you will get further ideas for appropriate hand or leg movements from the other dancers on the floor or from your partner.’
I followed her lead.
‘See, Michelle, with just a half an hour of practice you are already as good as the majority of dancers. You really do have a good sense of rhythm.’
‘This is fun,’ I said. ‘I really could get to enjoy this.’
Next time: Girly preparations II:
Shopping and the arrival of our escorts
Thanks to Bronwen for editing and to everyone else for comments and kudos which are always appreciated. Louise
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Girly preparations part II.
shopping and the arrival of our escorts Ballroom dancing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realise just how important it would become in shaping my future until I had to take the place of one of my bosses following an accident.
Dancing Queen A novel by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Chapter 25 Girly preparations
Helen and I eventually finished our practice session at about eleven o’clock and had a quick cup of tea together before making our way to our respective bedrooms.
‘Thanks for everything, Helen, I’ve enjoyed myself tonight,’ I said as I was about to retire.
‘That’s alright, young lady; it’s been fun, hasn’t it? I trust you are looking forward to tomorrow night as well.’
‘Yes, so long as I pass ok as a girl dancer.’
‘You know perfectly well that you will pass ok as a girl,’ she scoffed. ‘It’s also clear that you are a natural dancer. So as long as you only copy the girls dancing and don’t try to dance like a bloke, I don’t see what there is for you to worry about.’
I smiled at the idea of me ‘dancing like a bloke,’ whilst simultaneously wearing high heels and a short dress.
‘I suppose it is my being out in a social situation with people who are unaware of my true sex that makes me a little anxious.’
‘I am sure that Rich will keep an eye on you and make sure that you come to no harm. It’ll be up to you to encourage him if you want to take it any further.’
I made no reply, other than blushing, before going to my room.
The bedroom I was occupying was decorated in pink and filled with uncompromising girly furnishings which accorded with and made me feel quite relaxed about my new identity. There was no doubt that I was enjoying my life as Michelle, even though it now took me more than half an hour to get myself ready to go to bed in terms of removing my makeup, moisturising my face and hands, and tying up my hair. It usually took twice as long to get myself ready in the morning but I didn’t mind because the results were worth the trouble. I then climbed into her floral pink sheets and fluffy pillows, and fell asleep dreaming of electro dancing.
As usual, I woke at about 7.30am on Saturday morning needing to go to the toilet. There was no sound from Helen’s bedroom and so I returned to my room and sat in front of the dressing table for a while to think about my situation. It had been a week since I’d allowed myself to be talked in to continue living as a girl until the end of the year, and already I was sure that I’d made the right decision. As Michelle, I was more confident than Michael and I didn’t stammer. I also had more friends and a closer relationship with my mother. Michelle also got to do more interesting things at work, wore nicer clothes and appeared to be able to earn more money. Above all, she was able to demonstrate her expertise as a ballroom dancer; a competence that Michael had barely been aware of as a young man. Since the first occasion I’d put on a dress, no-one had challenged me in the street or at work. Maybe I had received a few odd looks at the dancing club on the first occasion I’d turned up, but these had been quickly overcome and I was now accepted as one of the best dancers. So what was there for me to regret?
Yet the beginnings of a regret began to insinuate itself in my brain: ’if only I’d been born a girl, like Helen, how different my life would have been, how much happier I might have been.’ I attempted to squash that thought straight away, before it did any damage. I was a young man, albeit not a particularly confident or well-developed one; and that was an end of the matter. I had to accept that fact. All the same, I had been presented with this opportunity to live and work as a girl for three months, and there was no reason why I shouldn’t take full advantage of all the fun offered to me during this period.
Having satisfied myself on that matter I began to look forward to my day ahead and especially my date to go clubbing with Richard. What would it be like? How would I feel? Would anyone from my past life recognise me and, if so, what would they think? I could not possibly answer, and would just have to wait and see and take things as they came. But this served only to create yet another anxiety: ’what am I going to do and what will life be like for me once these three months are over? Had I sacrificed any credibility I might once have had as a young man?’ I simply didn’t know the answer, but the New Year was ten weeks away and for the time being I was determined to make the most of my new life as Michelle.
I therefore got up, showered, dressed, carefully put on some makeup and fixed my hair. By the time I’d finished Helen had emerged from her slumbers, showered and was preparing some breakfast for us.
There is not a lot to be said about our shopping trip later that day, except that it was great fun. We took the bus into Luton as there was a greater range of shops to choose from compared to Dunstable, and we headed straight for ‘the Mall’ shopping centre. Helen tried on and bought herself a sparkly black and silver dress in ‘Monsoon,’ which was almost as revealing as the one she’d sold to me. She also bought a pair of black almond-toe five inch heels with an ankle strap, in ‘Next.’ I bought myself a strapless bra in ‘Debenhams’ together with a pair of control pants to make sure there would be no visible bulges when I was dancing in my new dress. As I was queuing to pay for my bra I found myself standing in front of a girl who used to be in my class at school and with whom I’d danced on a few occasions as a young teenager. I turned and we smiled weakly and acknowledged one another. She looked as if she was frantically racking her brains trying to think where we’d met previously. Fortunately I was called forward to the next till, and she was called to another one and so there was no need for any embarrassing explanations.
As we were about to leave the shop Helen pointed out a set of twelve clip-in, shoulder length natural hair extensions, in my colour. They cost almost forty pounds.
‘I think you should go ahead and get them, they’ll do wonders to boost your confidence, tonight,’ she said.
‘But it says here that they are only guaranteed to last for three months?’ I said, reading the label.
‘Well that should be just right for you then!’ she responded.
I couldn’t very well argue with that
‘In any event, if you take as much care of them as you would your own hair they will last you at least twice as long.’
‘But I wouldn’t know how to put them in!’
‘We’ll have plenty of time after lunch. I’ll show you how to do it.’
‘I had saved myself some money through not having to buy a new dress, so why not?’ I asked myself.
‘Alright then,’ I said with a smile and went ahead and made my purchase.
We had some lunch in a café in town before returning to Helen’s house at 3.00pm. I quickly rang Mum at home, just to check that she was alright and assure her I was fine. I told her about our shopping trip. She sounded happy herself and wanted to know what I’d bought.
‘I’ve bought an almost brand new red dress from my friend Helen to go dancing in tonight, but I needed a strapless bra and some knickers to go with it: I expect they’ll be useful for me to wear with some of your dance costumes,’ I said.
‘Is that all you have got yourself?’
‘No I did get myself some hair extensions.’
‘Well a girl needs a little bit of extravagance from time to time.’
As promised, Helen demonstrated to me how to clip in my new hair extensions, doing the first couple for me and then leaving me to finish the remainder. Afterwards she explained how to brush and style my somewhat bulkier head of hair. I’d enjoyed having longer hair ever since Joyce had first sewn in a set, but these added even more body and length and felt great.
‘Is there any danger of them coming out when we dance?’ I queried.
‘I don’t think so, but if you like we can have another practice session before tea, just to make sure.’
Joe was the first of our two escorts to arrive on Saturday evening and Helen entertained him for a few minutes whilst I made the finishing touches to my hair and makeup in her sister’s bedroom. I then came downstairs ready to be introduced.
‘This is Michelle, my friend from work,’ said Helen as I entered the room.
I smiled shyly.
‘Wow you look really hot in that dress,’ was his spontaneous reaction.
If anything I felt quite the opposite as it was quite alarmingly short and with a low neckline. I’d also been advised against wearing any tights. But I knew he wasn’t talking about my temperature and so I blushed and murmured my thanks whilst averting my gaze. I was not sure whether to be pleased by his comment or a little put out by his lack of gallantry towards his own escort, who looked pretty good herself in her new black and silver dress.
‘Michelle already has a dance partner for tonight so you can just put your eyeballs back in their sockets,’ commented Helen.
I suspected that she was not lacking in confidence and when the time came was quite capable of dealing with guys by herself without any concern on my part.
‘Sorry Babes,’ said Joe. It was an unconscious reaction on my part, you both look great,’ he responded.
‘Michelle is a champion dancer,’ added Helen,’ apparently unconcerned by his comment to me.
‘But I’m afraid that it’s for ballroom dancing, not what we are doing tonight,’ I replied.
The doorbell rang and Helen left us to go answer it whilst I sat in a chair next to Joe.
‘I must say you have a nice pair of dancer’s legs,’ he said with a cheeky grin and patting me on the knee.
I wasn’t sure how to react to his actions. In some ways it was quite a pleasant sensation to feel his hand on my bare knee, but it was also a cheek on his part. Who did he think he was? I certainly had no wish to upset my friend so I consciously moved my legs away from him just as Helen came back in to the room, bringing Richard with her. This was a good opportunity for me to move away.
‘Hi Richard, great to see you,’ I said getting up and giving him a welcoming kiss on the cheek. I then joined him on the sofa, just to reinforce the point that he was going to be my escort for the evening.
Joe accepted the inevitable and started talking to Helen. Richard seemed a little surprised by the warmth of my greeting, but apparently wasn’t unhappy. I then noticed that I’d left a small lipstick mark on his cheek which I ostentatiously wiped away with a tissue.
‘I do like your new hair style, Michelle,’ he said. ‘It really suits you.’
I smiled.
‘Thanks, much of it was purchased over the counter at Debenhams this morning but it is good fun to have plenty of hair to work with.’
Joe motioned Helen to come and sit with him.
‘Richard has offered to drive the four of us tonight to save having to park two cars,’ suggested Helen.
‘That’s fine by me, at least I’ll be able to have a drink or two during the evening,’ said Joe.
‘I’ve packed my weekend case, so perhaps we can take it with us and then you can drop me home afterwards,’ I said.
‘Yes of course, I’ll bring these two back here first of all and then run you home,’ he said.
Helen gave me a knowing smile as he said this.
Next time: A new kind of dancing
Unfortunately I shall be overseas during the Easter period and so the next instalment will be posted in two weeks. :-(
Thanks to Bronwen for editing and to everyone else for comments and kudos which are always appreciated.Louise
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Dancing with Richard, and the aftermath
Ballroom dancing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realise just how important it would become in shaping my future until I had to take the place of one of my bosses following an accident.
Dancing Queen A novel by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Chapter 26 A new kind of dancing
We parked in the Central Car Park in Luton which had the advantage of being open all night and free of charge after 6.00pm. From there it was only a five minute walk to the club. It had been a fine cloudless day and as a result it had turned into a chilly late October night. There were goose-bumps on my uncovered legs, but I wasn’t sure whether this was due to a combination of my revealing dress and the temperature outside or to my trepidation about how I would get on during the ensuing night. Other couples were also making their way towards the club and I was quite relieved to notice that both Helen and my outfits with our short skirts, and high heels were not particularly daring. In fact there were plenty of other girls dressed in similar styles. Some wore leggings and fancy tops but most wore heels. As usual the guys wore a variety of non-descript casual wear. It struck me once again how much I’d enjoyed spending time with Helen getting ourselves ready and how much more fun girls have with their appearance.
Once inside the club we paid our entrance fees and deposited our coats in the cloakroom. Helen and I made our way to the Ladies to check on our hair and makeup, whilst Richard found us a table and Joe organised a round of drinks. This was another new experience for me as a group of girls crowded round the available mirrors chatting to one another whilst touching up their lipstick or mascara or brushing their hair.
‘Are you all set, Michelle?’ Helen asked, as soon as she’d finished.
‘A little bit nervous, but I think so,’ I replied as I brushed a few strands of my now somewhat longer hair into place.
‘Believe me, girl, you have nothing to be nervous about. You look great, so let’s go and join the guys.’
I’d asked for an orange juice and was determined to stick with soft drinks for the night as I didn’t want to lose control. Richard had a half pint of beer as he too needed to moderate his drinking as the ‘designated driver’ for our party. Helen and Joe had vodka and tonic water. We stayed sitting for a little while, and I studied those dancers who were already on the floor. Our escorts didn’t seem particularly inclined to begin dancing but I was anxious to practice my newly acquired skills as an EDM dancer. Helen appeared to sense my feelings.
‘What do you think, Michelle, shall we show everyone how it’s done before it gets too crowded?’ she suggested.
‘Go on then,’ I said and we made our way on to the dance floor with me feeling pleased but also a little self-conscious.
Fortunately the next track to be played was a ‘Techno’, which I’d already practiced and was not too different from ‘Disco’ that I’d occasionally danced before. I kept an eye on the other dancers and sometimes copied their moves whilst at other times I improvised my own, based on my ballroom experience. Unlike some of the other dancers I was not trying to show off or attract attention to myself but all the same I soon found that I was achieving a respectable standard.
‘You are doing fine, I’m most impressed,’ mouthed Helen to me during a momentary break in the music, but my response was soon drowned by the wall of sound.
From Techno we moved on to Hip Hop with its cool, exaggerated movements reminiscent of the boy-bands and girl groups of the nineteen nineties, From there we moved on to UK Garage (or UKG) with its 4/4 percussive rhythm, followed by Acid House with its characteristic electronic ‘squelching' sound. However, two girls dancing together for some time can seem like an open invitation to any guys who were out ‘on the pull’ for the evening and a couple started hovering around us, ready to make their swoop once the music stopped. Helen and I exchanged glances and as soon as the fourth number was over we went over to the table and dragged our respective escorts on to the dance floor, without further ado. With that, our potential suitors disappeared into the undergrowth looking for other possible conquests.
Joe was a pretty good dancer, bordering on the flashy, and he and Helen made an attractive looking couple on the dance floor. On the other hand Rich was not a natural dancer and proved to be a bit stiff and awkward in his movements, even though he’d been clubbing several times before. All the same he was cheerful and willing to have a go and so it was fun dancing together. In fact it was not too long before he was copying me rather than the other way round.
What I hadn’t expected though was how hot it would become in the club and so I was glad to have taken Helen’s advice and not put on any tights. After six or seven more dances I was happy to accept Richard’s sign-language offer to get away from the noise to sit down with another cool drink.
‘So what do you think of clubbing, Michelle?’ he asked.
‘This is good fun and has been a great learning experience for me.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘The loud repetitive music, the flashing light effects and general air of freedom to ‘do your own thing’, are quite different from anything I’ve experienced in the ballroom.’
‘But I thought you liked ballroom dancing.’
‘I do, but the whole ambience here seems to be young and alive. This isn’t going to supplant my appreciation of the discipline, glamour and decorousness that goes with ballroom dancing, but it does provide an entirely new avenue for exploring my love of music and movement.’
‘So would you like to come again next Saturday?’
‘That depends on who asks me,’ I replied.
‘Me, of course,’ he replied smiling.
‘Alright then, but let’s go as a twosome next time, it’ll be less complicated.’
‘That’s a deal,’ he replied smiling.
‘Alan and I’ll be giving our next demonstration during the Saturday afternoon, but there is no reason why I shouldn’t go out again in the evening.’
‘I know, I’ll be filming you once again.’
‘Of course I’ll have to go home to change as I can hardly go clubbing in one of my dance costumes, but there will be plenty of time for me to get myself ready.’
‘So shall I pick you up from your home next time?’
‘I suppose so, Mum seems to be coming to terms with having a daughter; at least for a while.’
He looked at me as if he was about to say something in reply, but then thought better of it.
‘Are you ready for some more dancing?’ he asked by way of changing the subject.
‘Why not,’ I replied and we returned to the dance floor, just as Joe was leading Helen to have a drink together.
Helen offered a knowing smile to me as we passed one another. She also seemed to be enjoying her evening.
It was after 3.00am when the club closed and nearly 4.00am by the time that Richard had dropped off Helen and Joe in Dunstable. He then drove back to Luton and pulled up in the street outside our house. I noticed the beginnings of a frost outside and the car windows were beginning to mist over.
‘Thanks a lot, Rich, I’ve had a great time tonight, I’d no idea that I would have so much fun,’ I said, beginning to un-hitch my seat belt.
‘Me too! Are you still happy to go clubbing again next Saturday?’ he asked.
‘I guess so,’ I replied.
‘Well good night then, Michelle and thank you, for coming.’
I smiled in reply and moved my hand to the door latch unsure of what was going to happen next.
‘I’ll just need to collect my suitcase from the back of the car.’
Richard seemed to pluck up courage and leaned over to give me a farewell kiss on the cheek. He was clearly not an experienced or confident lover, but was no doubt a sincere one. I looked into his eyes and couldn’t stop myself from turning my head and raising my lips to meet his. Up to that point I’d led a fairly sheltered life and had never had a girlfriend and so this was the first time that I’d ever kissed anyone on the lips, with passion. It was a wonderful new feeling and I was glad that I’d followed Helen’s advice and renewed my lipstick just before we’d all left the club. Then I felt his tongue enter my mouth and a shiver of pleasure went through my body. I closed my eyes so that I would have one less sense to worry about.
A host of different thoughts, feelings and sensations flooded into my head simultaneously. ’For heaven’s sake what is happening to me?’ I asked myself. ’What am I doing? Why do I feel so elated?’ then ’Why don’t you caress my thighs? These thoughts and many others came into my brain so quickly that I was unable to process them all. ’How will Rich and I react to one another when we were working together?’ ‘What will Rob and Sarah think?’ ‘What is going to happen to us in January?’ and then most fundamentally of all Am I a man or a woman?’ It was as if some elemental spirit or genie had taken over control of my mind as I moved closer and wanted my body to dissolve into his. I knew then, that when the appropriate time came, I would not be able to stop myself from offering my body to him.
I had no idea how long we remained in that first awkward embrace in the front seats of the car. I had no idea what year or month, or day of the week it was, or whether it was night or day. In fact I didn’t even know what planet we were on. I was only concerned with the two of us together in the front seat of his car. It didn’t matter that it was uncomfortable for us both; the only thing that mattered was that we were together in one another’s arms. Eventually though we floated back down to earth as, apart from anything else, we had need of the atmosphere to breathe once again. My good sense began to re-assert control.
‘I’d better go in now, that’s Mum’s bedroom up there and I don’t want to waken her,’ I said.
He seemed disappointed but resigned to the night coming to an end. He got out of the car and handed me my suitcase. We stood facing one another for a moment.
‘Goodnight, Michelle. I’ll see you at work on Monday.’
‘No stay, don’t go; hold me and kiss me once again!’
‘Goodnight Rich, and thanks for everything.’
I waved goodbye as he drove off and then stood at our front door shivering whilst retrieving my keys in my handbag, wondering what I’d just done. I quietly let myself in our front door, put my case down in the hall, and took off my heels so that I wouldn’t make any noise as I climbed the stairs to my bedroom.
‘Is that you, Michelle?’ came a voice from inside Mum’s room.
‘Yes Mum, sorry if I woke you,’ I replied.
Her bedroom door opened.
‘That’s alright, I’ve been awake for the last twenty five minutes or so, in fact ever since the car drew up outside. I’ve been waiting for you to come in to ask whether you have a good time?’
‘Yes thanks,’ I replied.
‘I like the colour of your new dress, but isn’t it a bit short for this time of the year?’ she asked.
‘Oh Mum, I don’t know what to do,’ I said as I dissolved into tears.
‘Whatever is the matter? What has happened?’ she asked in some alarm.
‘Nothing has happened, we had a good time. It’s just that I don’t know who I am anymore.’
Next time: A watershed in my life
Thanks to Bronwen for editing and to everyone else for comments and kudos which are always appreciated. The novel is now completely written and edited and will appear in 30 chapters. Louise
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I reach a watershed in my life
Ballroom dancing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realise just how important it would become in shaping my future until I had to take the place of one of my bosses following an accident.
Dancing Queen A novel by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Chapter 27 Who am I?
Mum took me into her bedroom and invited me to sit down on the side of her bed. She sat next to me.
‘Now what is the trouble?’
‘I just feel so confused about everything: about my work, about my dancing, about being Michelle.’
‘Well if it is upsetting you, must stop being Michelle. I know lots of people will be disappointed but I’m sure they would understand if you explained.’
‘But that’s just the point, I don’t want to stop being Michelle,’ I said sobbing.
‘So what is the problem?’
‘I feel as if I am being sucked into a vortex and that both attracts me and frightens me at the same time.’
‘Why should it frighten you?’
‘Because I may never be able to get out again, and maybe I won’t want ever to get out.’
‘Would that matter, if that’s what you want?’ she asked quietly.
‘I just don’t know, Mum. I’m so confused about everything. What do you think I should do?’
‘Michelle, I’ve loved having you around these last few weeks but it is unfair of me even to admit to that. I can’t tell you how to live your life. You are eighteen and only you can know what you really want out of life or what is right for you. What I can say, though, is that you will always be my child and I will love and support you whatever you decide to do.’
‘Thanks, Mum,’ I said beginning to dry my tears.
‘Do you have to make an irrevocable decision about your future now?’
‘I suppose not,’ I replied, drying my eyes with a tissue that she’d handed to me.
‘After all, you’ve only recently agreed to remain as Michelle at work until the end of the year and then there are the various commitments you have made with Alan.’
‘I wouldn’t want to let everyone down.’
‘That wouldn’t matter if it was really making you unhappy.’
‘But as I’ve just said it isn’t making me unhappy – I’ve been having a great time as Michelle.’
Mum sighed.
‘I can’t see what is the problem?’ she repeated.
‘I don’t know. I just feel as if I ought to feel bad.’
Mum hugged me.
‘Believe me my dear, life’s too short to feel guilty about things that make you happy and don’t harm anyone else. When you get to my age you will find that it is the things that you didn’t do, and the opportunities you didn’t take that you regret most of all.’
‘There is also this guy at work that I like and I think he likes me.’
‘Was he the one who just drove you home?’
‘Yes, his name is Richard, he’s the guy that has been filming us dancing together.’
‘Has anything happened between the two of you?’
‘We’ve only kissed, but I’m not sure that I would be able to stop myself from wanting to go further next time.’
‘I see. Does he know about Michael?’
‘Yes; we used to work together although we never paid much attention to one another until I became Michelle.’
‘Will your friendship affect your ability to do your job?’
‘I don’t think so, he is pretty professional in his approach to work, and we don’t spend that much time working together, particularly as I now spend more of my time out of the office.’
‘In that case, all I can do is to repeat what I said to you last week - be honest with one another. However, I do think you should use the next few weeks as an opportunity to learn more about yourself.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘From what I’ve seen I suspect you may be transgendered, which is a recognised psychological condition, and you may never again be happy living as Michael. However I don’t want to put ideas into your head. You must find out for yourself and perhaps seek professional advice or counselling. Over the next week or so I think you should consider the possible implications of your remaining as Michelle after the New Year so that you are better able to make an informed decision about your future when the time comes.’
‘Yes, thanks Mum, I’ll do that.’
‘Now I think it’s now time we both got some sleep. Maybe we can talk some more later.
That weekend in late October 2008 ultimately became something of a watershed in my life. It was not only the weekend in which I fully embraced the fun associated with being Michelle for the first time but it was also the first occasion that I entertained the possibility of her remaining around for some time to come - possibly even for ever. Fortunately Alan and his partner were away for the whole of the weekend and so I was not expected to practice our tango. Instead I spent a fair chunk of Sunday afternoon happily chatting to Helen on the phone, comparing notes about how we’d both got on the night before. I was relieved to discover that Joe had invited her to come down to London with him the following Saturday evening, so there would be no awkwardness that Richard and I would be going clubbing in Luton on our own. Helen did however say that she’d refused to leave for London until after she’d helped with the filming of our forthcoming demonstration.
After tea I began to explore the resources of the Internet to see if I could find anything useful on the subject of transgenderism and in no time at all I found myself swamped in material. I followed interesting sounding links from one site to another until I eventually lost track of time or where I’d been until Mum came up to my room to bring me a bed-time drink.
‘You’ve been more than four hours on that computer, Michelle, don’t you think you’ve done enough for one day.’
‘My goodness, is that the time?’ I replied. ‘It’s amazing just how much material there is on transgender. I had no idea.’
‘What sort of information?’
‘Everything imaginable: there are encyclopaedia articles, news reports, sites offering medical, legal, social or even fashion advice, fiction sites, shopping sites, pornography. There are biographies, photographs and even films on You Tube. I’d no idea that the subject was so complex and wide ranging or that there were so many people affected. It is going to take me ages to go through it all.’
‘Well take your time – there’s no hurry.’
Richard and I were both a little awkward with one another when we arrived for work on Monday morning. Neither of us wanted to make too much of our new found friendship or let it interfere with our working relationship in any way. He just smiled and nodded to me when I came in, and chose a quiet moment to have a word when Sarah and Rob were in the office and Helen was on the phone.
‘I tried to call you yesterday afternoon and evening, but your phone was always engaged,’ he said quietly.
‘Sorry, but I was chatting to Helen during the afternoon, and then Mum was talking on the phone to her sister during the evening,’ I said. ‘Thanks for Saturday night, I really enjoyed myself.’
‘Me too. Are you still ok for next weekend?’
‘I think so, but I suggest we make the arrangements next Saturday afternoon.’
‘Ok,’ he said and we both carried on with our work, but I noticed Helen looking in my direction with a satisfied smile on her face.
Thereafter Richard and I maintained a normal working relationship except perhaps there was extra warmth in his smile as he greeted me each morning or said goodbye at the end of the day.
In most other respects it proved to be quite a normal week at work. I sold another house on the Tuesday and so found myself to be co-ordinating three separate sales. I was beginning to get to know other people working in the property trade in our locality, usually over the telephone but in a couple of instances in person when I delivered key documents to their offices by hand or else they called in to our office to discuss matters. It did occur to me that the more success that I enjoyed in this respect the more difficulty I would have with ultimately extracting myself and returning to my previous role, but I put this to the back of my mind for the time being and concentrated on doing the best I could for the next few weeks.
The only slight issue at work was Sarah who seemed to have lost her usual cheerfulness and optimism. I suppose it was inevitable as it was now more than a month since her accident and she was clearly feeling the effects of her incapacitation. I suppose it was obvious to her that she was now taking a secondary role in the office and that the younger women were now performing the more interesting roles. She wasn’t awkward or difficult to work with; she just seemed a little subdued compared to her normal positive self.
I also spent a fair amount of my free time in the evenings searching the Internet; identifying, downloading organising and printing out information relating to transgenderism. I found what I read to be both fascinating and also worrying in equal measure. It was clear that large numbers of people (certainly many thousands) in Britain had successfully transitioned from one gender to another, often going on to lead happy and fulfilled lives in their new identities. Yet at the same time there were undoubted hurdles to be overcome – not least of which was acceptance by their families and indeed by society as a whole. To some degree their ultimate happiness depended on their successful assimilation of their new role, and the earlier that they’d made their transition the better in this respect. The message I seemed to be getting was that attempting to deny such feelings in one’s youth could lead to psychological problems, depression or even suicide in middle age. This undoubtedly raised questions in my mind, but I told myself that the current exercise was purely one of collecting data – any decision about my future could wait until later when I had the whole picture.
Alan and I went through our proposed Tango and Charleston routines once again at our usual meeting on Tuesday evening. We arranged to come a little early so we could go through our section first all before the others arrived. It was clear that we’d both been practising and so we were quite happy with the result.
‘Have you ever done any electronic dancing, Alan?’ I asked as we were waiting for the other dancers.
‘Yes, David and I used to go clubbing quite a lot when we were courting. In fact we first met on the dance floor at a Rave.’
‘What did you think of it?’ I asked.
‘Well, of course it’s quite different from ballroom, but we used to enjoy ourselves.’
‘I went clubbing on Saturday night for the first time and was quite impressed. I was wondering whether it would be possible to devise some kind of more formal demonstration routine to show the older dancers that there is more to EDM dancing than just leaping about and waving your arms in the air.’
‘I’d be happy to go along with that, but haven’t we got enough on our plates with our current commitments up to mid-December?’
‘Yes, I suppose you’re right,’ I replied sadly.
‘But of course there’s always the New Years Eve Ball, if you are interested. They sometimes include a couple of demonstrations during the interval.’
‘I’ll think about it,’ I said.
By this time the other dancers had arrived and we soon discovered that everyone was quite happy with our plans and that we would not need a dress rehearsal on Friday, just a quick run-though together on Saturday morning. I was quite pleased because I liked to devote the night before a demonstration to getting myself ready – washing my hair, de-fuzzing my legs and armpits, removing my breast forms and checking that they were ok prior to Joan sticking them back on for me the following day.
I was a little surprised though when Rob arrived without his wife. It was the first time that I was aware that Sarah had ever failed to turn up to one of ourweekly meetings, and she’d always taken an active role in the preparation for the demonstrations despite her leg being in plaster.
‘Is Sarah ok?’ I asked Rob, remembering that she’d seemed especially low in the office that afternoon.
‘She had a headache and has decided not to come tonight. She said that we all appeared to have the arrangements for the next demonstration well in hand and she wouldn’t be missed.’
‘Well that’s not true, I was hoping to discuss my plans for the Jive and the Jitterbug with her,’ I replied.
Next time: Problems with Sarah
Thanks to Bronwen for editing and to everyone else for comments and kudos which are always appreciated.Louise
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Our third demonstration is also a success
Ballroom dancing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realise just how important it would become in shaping my future until I had to take the place of one of my bosses following an accident.
Dancing Queen A novel by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Chapter 28 Alan and I go from strength to strength
Rob offered me a lift home after the meeting on Tuesday evening.
‘Maybe you could ask Sarah her opinions about the next demonstration during a quiet period in the office sometime. I think she is beginning to feel a little side-lined as everyone seems to have everything under control both at work and in the dancing.
I felt a little bit guilty as Mum and I had rather taken over responsibility for choosing my costumes and hairstyles from her, but this had given Mum an additional interest in life.
‘Yes, of course I will,’ I replied. ‘Although I’m sure she’ll be her own self once again once her leg comes out of plaster.’
‘I hope so,’ he replied with a trace of anxiety.
‘How much longer has she got?’
‘Only a couple more weeks, but then she’s going to need physiotherapy and a lot of practice before she can begin dancing again.’
‘I promise to involve her as much as possible in our plans in future, and to help in any way I can to get her dancing once again.’
‘Thanks, Michelle, I’d really appreciate that.’
‘But please also make sure that she comes along to the demonstration on Saturday. If she starts to make excuses tell her that she owes it to me for agreeing to take her place.’
‘I will,’ he replied as I got out of the car.
I was able to keep my promise to Rob the following day. I returned to the office later than planned at lunchtime, and would have to leave for an afternoon appointment half an hour later and so I came back armed with a coffee and a couple of sandwiches. Sarah was in the back office eating her own lunch at the time and so I asked whether I might join her. It wasn’t too long before we were discussing my plans for the 8th November and she was suggesting suitable music. I also told her about my clubbing experience although I neglected to mention with whom I’d been dancing.
‘I do envy you as a dancer, Michelle, especially for being able to dance with Alan. You are doing many of the things that I’d have liked to have done, if it hadn’t been for this stupid accident.’
‘I know, but it won’t be long now before you are back dancing once again, and in many respects Rob has been improving in the last few weeks.’
‘Yes I’d noticed that as well. He and Sonia are progressing well together. In fact everyone seems to be doing well, apart from me.’
‘I promise that you will get over this setback,’ I said.
‘I hope so,’ she said, but didn’t sound utterly convinced.
‘Sarah, it’s going to be rather a tight costume change for me on Saturday afternoon. Mum wants me to wear one of her favourite dresses. I don’t suppose you could be around to help me to get changed
She smiled and seemed to snap out of her mood.
‘Yes of course, if you think I can be of help and won’t get in the way.’
I found myself working with Richard once again late on Friday afternoon. I was just getting ready to go home when I noticed that he was frantically trying to finish something on his computer.
‘Can’t that wait until Monday?’ asked Sarah as she and Rob were anxious to leave.
‘No. I promised to have this survey ready for a solicitor’s office in Luton by the weekend, but I’ve been delayed. Don’t worry, I’ll lock up before I go.’
‘Can I help?’ I offered, knowing that I was a somewhat faster typist than he was.
‘Yes please, if you don’t mind.’
Half an hour later the document was finished and a copy printed off.
‘If you are planning to drive over to Luton to deliver this then perhaps you could give me a lift home afterwards,’ I suggested.
‘I’d love to; it will also mean that you can just leap out of the car and deliver the envelope and then I won’t have to find somewhere to park first.’
Forty-five minutes later he pulled up outside our house.
‘Thanks for the lift, Rich,’ I said beginning to unbuckle my seat belt.
‘Thank you for your help.’
‘We may not get much opportunity to talk tomorrow afternoon, so shall we make arrangements about the evening, now?’
‘Alright, the club opens at nine but nothing ever happens until after 10.30, shall I collect you then?’
‘Alright, that will give me plenty of time to get ready.’
‘Shall I call at your house or wait for you outside?’
‘I know, come round at 10.15 and say hello to Mum, at least then she’ll know whom I’m going out with.’
‘So your Mum knows about us, then?’
‘Yes, up to a point,’ I said and leaned across and gave him a kiss on the cheek before getting out of the car.
‘Good luck with the demonstration dances tomorrow afternoon.’
I gave him a smile by way of thanks and then went in to begin the process of getting myself ready for the following day.
Our third demonstration also proved to be a triumph, and I noticed that the audience had grown substantially and that there were plenty of people that I’d never seen before. It would appear that our reputation was beginning to spread through the dance world. By this time I was happy to leave all matters relating to my costume and appearance in the hands of my mother and the other ladies present, and just sit back and worry about the dancing. The Charleston routine went without a hitch and Alan provided a sharp intro to the tap routine – no one would have guessed that he was not an experienced tap-dancer. I then went into my solo routine and remarkably didn’t miss one beat or put a foot wrong so I received a cheer from the audience as once again we resumed the Charleston, proper. Alan and I, followed by the whole group took our bows but I was whisked off once again before the applause had fully subsided. Mum and Sarah were waiting for me preparing my new costume.
‘This dress is really something special,’ commented Sarah as Mum helped me to step into the underskirt, and then to fix the dress itself. ‘I love those silver feathers round the bodice. I’ve not seen it before, only a photograph of Michelle wearing it.’
‘Yes it is rather nice, isn’t it,’ Mum responded. ‘It used to be my favourite costume when I was Michelle’s age.’
‘In that case let’s make sure that her hair, makeup and accessories do it justice.’
Sarah helped me to put on the matching floats which were affixed to diamante-studded arm and wrist bands, and a matching diamante necklace. The holes in my ears had now healed and so she also inserted a couple of tiny diamond earrings. She then got to work on my makeup, changing my lipstick and nail varnish from the innocuous pink that I’d worn to dance the Charleston to the deep red to match my new dress. At the same time Mum fixed my hair into a bun interlaced with diamante strands and a little red ribbon to give it a splash of colour. At last I stepped into my shoes and stood and looked at myself in the full-length mirror.
‘So what do you think?’ I asked my two companions.
Nobody responded. I turned to discover my mother was crying.
‘Oh Michelle, you look so lovely,’ she sobbed.
‘You truly are the Dancing Queen,’ said Sarah. ‘Now go out there and show them all how it’s done.’
Alan was ready waiting for me outside the ladies changing rooms. He took one look at me and shook his head in disbelief.
‘You look wonderful,’ he said as he took my hand ready to make our entrance.
‘Thank you,’ I said, ‘you don’t look bad yourself.’
As we walked out I glimpsed Richard with the video camera and so I flashed a particular smile in his direction, even though you are not supposed to look directly at the camera. Alan stood up straight and held me, whilst I leaned my head back as we waited for the music to begin.
The Tango is a passionate yet playful dance, with plenty of opportunity for expression and improvisation. Its name derives from the Latin word for ‘touch’ and involves close connection between the dancers both in terms of eye and body contact. Dancing the Tango one tends to lose contact with the surroundings only concentrating on the music and your partner. For the duration of the dance it did not matter that we both had other partners, Alan and I were lovers sharing a passionate embrace.
At last the dance was over. Alan bowed, I curtsied and he hugged and kissed me on the cheek with genuine pleasure. Then we were both surrounded by well-wishers offering their congratulations, wanting to ask us questions or merely seeking our autographs. It took a full twenty-five minutes before I could extricate myself and go over and have a few words with Rich.
‘Did you get that alright?’ I asked.
‘I think so, and Helen was also filming with a second camera. You two were outstanding.
‘Well thanks for filming us.’
‘It has been my pleasure, I am really enjoying filming the two of you, although I must admit to being rather envious of Alan.’
‘It’s only a dance, it doesn’t mean anything.’
‘No, I suppose not.’
‘I’ll be dancing with you later tonight – that will mean far more to me than anything this afternoon.
‘Really?’
He seemed surprised.
‘Yes really!’ I confirmed, but was then approached by a female dancer who I’d not seen before.
‘I understand that you will be giving a master class for us in Bristol next month, will you be covering the Tango?’ she asked.
‘Yes that will be in the second session early in December,’ I replied.
After that I got swallowed up in further conversations about the Tango with members of the audience and I didn’t see Rich again until he came round to pick me up later that evening.
Rich came to collect me at 10.15 as we’d previously arranged and chatted to Mum for a while whilst I put the finishing touches to my hair and makeup. I could tell that Mum didn’t really approve of the length of the dress that I was again wearing, but since she’d spent the earlier part of the evening telling me how proud of me she was there was not a lot she could say.
‘I’m afraid I’ll be very late again, but I’ll try not to make any noise when I come in.’
‘Alright you two have a good time and take care.’
‘We will,’ said Rich as we were leaving.
‘Look after my daughter for me, I’m very proud of her,’ said Mum to Rich as we were leaving.
I don’t really want to go into too much detail about what happened between Rich and myself during the Saturday night and Sunday morning, for two reasons. First of all I don’t want to seem to be repeating myself with respect to describing the early part of the evening. Secondly what happened later between us was very personal and not really suitable for a story rated ‘Mature Subjects (PG15). So I’ll just summarise.
We both enjoyed the dancing: I learned some new moves from watching other girls on the dance floor and also tried out a few new techniques of my own. I was also reasonably successful in getting Rich to lighten up and let himself go a little more as a dancer. Thus by the end of the evening we made quite a respectable couple of EDM dancers. We did not stay until the club closed but left at about 2.00am to avoid the inevitable crowds. I went back to Richard’s flat for a coffee. From there it was a relatively short trip to his bedroom, where I found yet more cause to worry about who I was and who I wanted to be, although I kept trying to push this to the back of my mind as he drove me home at 7.00am as the sun was beginning to rise. The one thing I was sure of though was that whatever I might decide to do and whatever might happen to me in the future, I’d never again be able to face Rich, dressed as a boy.
Next time: An interesting proposition
Thanks to Bronwen for editing and to everyone else for comments and kudos which are always appreciated.Louise
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Our dancing has not gone unnoticed
Ballroom dancing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realise just how important it would become in shaping my future until I had to take the place of one of my bosses following an accident.
Dancing Queen A novel by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Chapter 29 Interesting propositions
I slept through Sunday morning and when I did eventually emerge from my room I was pleased to find that Mum limited her enquiries about the previous night to whether or not I’d had a good time. I was however a little apprehensive about how Richard and I would react to one another when we met the following morning and whether this might affect our working relationship. On the other hand, I had no regrets about the previous evening. I suspected that it had been an important milestone in my life although I was still not sure about the full implications of what had happened.
Rob asked whether he might have a word with me in the back office as soon as I arrived at work on Monday morning. I was quite happy to do so as Richard had not yet arrived at work and I still wasn’t sure how I was going to react when I saw him. The only contact we’d had by then was a brief exchange of text messages the previous evening.
‘First of all let me congratulate you on how well you did on Saturday afternoon, Michelle,’ said Rob.
‘Thanks, but I think we all did quite well,’ I responded.
‘I know that you, in particular, did most of the work for the Charleston, and yet the rest of us received all of the applause and congratulations on your behalf. I was hoping to say something to you at the time, but you were whisked off to get ready for your next dance. Then your Tango was absolutely wonderful – so sensual and flirtatious. Once again, I was planning to say something but I was buttonholed by a couple of guys who’d come up from London specifically to see you two dance together. By the time I’d finished with them you’d already left.’
‘Thanks, Sarah helped me to get ready for my two dances,’ I said.
‘Yes, I know. Thanks for that, she seems a little happier now but can’t wait to get back to dancing.’
‘It won’t be long now,’ I said and was about to get up to leave, but he hadn’t finished with me.
‘Those two guys from London came up with a very interesting proposition for the club and I think we’re going to need to organise a special committee meeting to discuss it. Will you arrange it for me?’
‘Yes, of course, when do you have in mind?’ I asked.
‘They want me to attend a meeting at their offices on 3rd November, and I’ll need to know everyone’s opinions before then.’
‘In that case we’d better try to meet sometime this week. If you have no objection to my doing so at work, I’ll ring round the other members of the committee to see if they can stay behind after our practice session tomorrow evening.’
‘Yes, please go ahead and do so, and you’d better invite Alan to come along as well, as the proposal is likely to involve him.’
‘Alright.’
‘Once you’ve fixed a date, would you mind drawing up a brief agenda and circulating this document, which they emailed to me yesterday.’
‘Yes, of course. As it is in machine-readable form I can email it to members of the committee to save time.’
The document which Rob passed to me was marked ‘draft’ and written in legal terminology. It proved to be a proposal for a collaboration between the Videotraining Production Company and the Luton and District Ballroom Dancing Society. The company proposed to make a series of twenty-four half hour training/demonstration videos covering the principal ballroom dances. Each one would include two demonstration dances of three to four minutes, sandwiching a series of more detailed instructions. One of the demonstration dances would also appear free on ‘YouTube’ for publicity purposes together with links to enable the purchase of the whole video either as a download or on DVD. The videos were to be produced and issued at monthly intervals throughout 2009 and 2010. The Society would provide suitably qualified members (to be agreed by both parties) who would write the scripts, choreograph the dances and appear in the videos. The company would meet all production costs and provide a flat fee to all those members who had been involved (£500 per video for the performers and £300 for the scriptwriter and choreographer). The Society would also endorse the productions and receive a 35% commission on any sales that it made to its own members. It would also receive a 5% royalty on any profits made by the videos once all the production and distribution costs had been met.
All in all it seemed to be an interesting and potentially profitable collaboration for all concerned.
By the time I’d emerged from my discussion with Rob, Richard had been in to the office and then gone out again on a job. I was not too sorry because whilst I’d had a great time with him, I didn’t want our relationship to turn into the office soap opera. On the other hand I wanted some re-assurance that things were still alright between us and that he hadn’t been having second thoughts . Thus I was quite pleased when he texted me later that morning.
Hi Michelle,
Sorry to have missed you this morning but I had a 9.30 appointment. Are you free for lunch tomorrow and also for clubbing next Saturday?
Love, Richard. Xx
I thought carefully before responding.
Hi Richard,
Sorry, but I’ve already arranged to have lunch with Helen tomorrow.
Maybe it would best if we kept our friendship outside of work hours and didn’t have lunch together? Let me know what you think. However, regarding your second invitation; on the basis of my experiences last Saturday night (and of course Sunday morning ;-)), I’d love to go!
Love, Michelle. xx.
He seemed to get the message, as he texted me back a little later.
OK, we’ll keep things cool at work and save the passion till Saturday night, Rob.
I therefore allowed myself a little levity in my reply.
Roll on Saturday night! M. xx
After that I knew that I would be able to cope with the competing demands of work and my social life – at least so long as I continued as Michelle.
Helen and I had lunch together as arranged and compared notes about our previous weekends, but she did not probe too far, realising that I did not wish to go into too much detail regarding my relationship with Richard.
‘Are you going out with him again this weekend?’
‘Yes, and I’m soon going to need a new outfit, I can’t keep wearing the same dress every week.’
‘If you want to go out clothes shopping again one weekend, just let me know,’ she said.
‘Thanks,’ I replied. ‘I may take you up on that sometime.’
Alan and I started practising the routines that I’d devised for the Jive and the Jitterbug demonstrations during the Tuesday evening club practice. I was suggesting ‘Brown eyed girl,’ by Van Morrison for The Jive and ‘Dancing in the Moonlight’ by Toploader for The Jitterbug. As usual, Alan was happy to go along with my suggestions, but made several useful suggestions for improvement during the first rehearsal. We made a good team dancing together – all the better because there was no question of any physical attraction, just a mutual enjoyment of the dance. Costume was not going to be a problem for me on this occasion. I knew that Mum had a vintage fifties-style swing dress in turquoise with a black trim and buttons, which would serve for both dances. It had a heart-shaped bust, ruched short sleeves and a wide flared skirt section. I’d tried it on already and found that it fitted me well and was extremely comfortable for dancing. It would require me wearing a billowy flared petticoat to get the full effect.
After our practice Alan and I joined the others for the special committee meeting that I’d arranged, and for once I’d managed to assemble the full complement of members, which together with Alan made eight of us. The others were all quite used to dealing with me as Michelle by this time.
‘There is only one item on the agenda, the draft proposal from Videotraining Productions. I take it that everyone has now had a chance to read the document; can I ask for any reactions?’ asked Rob.
‘Any contributions to our funds would be most welcome, and I’m sure the publicity would be good for recruitment purposes. If these videos were successful, it could make a dramatic difference to the running of the club,’ said Jack, who was our treasurer.’
‘But why did they choose our Society to collaborate with?’ asked Lucy.
‘Apparently they were most impressed by the videos of this year’s demonstrations that my colleague Richard has been putting on to ‘YouTube’. They’d been planning a series of training videos and so decided to investigate further. Richard’s only an amateur cameraman but if the scheme gets off the ground they may well offer him the opportunity to join their team of cameramen, although of course they will also provide their own professionals as well.’
‘But there aren’t twenty four dances in the official ballroom canon, are there?’ asked Joe.
‘No there are only ten in the International Standard and International Latin lists but there are many other dances in each category that are sometimes classified as ballroom, such as the Hustle, the Lindy Hop as well as the more specialised Latin dances such as the Merengue or the Argentine tango.'
‘There will be quite a lot of work involved in learning some of those less popular dances and all for a single flat payment,’ commented Lucy.
‘Yes, but if the series of videos were to be successful it would generate a lot of invitations for other work for those involved,’ said Alan. ‘In fact it might even enable them to turn professional.’
In that case you will have to find yourself another partner as there will be no way that I’ll be giving up my job,’ I thought to myself, but didn’t say anything as I was too busy taking down the minutes.
‘But do we have enough suitably qualified members to fulfil our part of the bargain?’ asked Joan.
Rob now looked less confident.
‘That could be an issue, I think they are assuming that we will have both Alan and Michelle available as our principal dancers, and as you all know Michelle won’t be around after the end of the year, although I take it we will still have Mike available for the choreography, as before.’
This last comment was clearly addressed towards me, who had otherwise expressed no opinion during the meeting.
‘Yes, of course,’ I said, colouring a little. ‘But even if I’m not available as the lead dancer there are plenty of other ladies that could do so. Sarah will be recovered by then, and Sonia has come on in leaps and bounds over the last few weeks.’
‘We’ll just have to see what they have to say when I go to meet with them next week,’ said Rob. ‘Is everyone in favour of the Society becoming involved?’
There were various murmurs of assent around the table; no-one seemed to be against the idea.
‘I suggest that you don’t go on your own, but take someone else from the Committee with you for moral support,’ suggested Jack. ‘I’m sorry but I am already committed on that day, but maybe someone else could go?’
‘Are there any volunteers?’ asked Rob.
‘I could go, if you like,’ suggested Alan. ‘I could represent the interests of the dancers.’
‘The only trouble is that you are not an elected Committee Member,’ pointed out Sarah. ‘I’d offer to go myself except that my leg is still in plaster. What about taking Michelle, she is, after all, the Club Secretary, and she could speak up for the interests of both the dancers and the ladies in the society.’
My blush grew a little deeper to be discussed in this way. As the youngest person on the Committee I hadn’t dreamed of volunteering to go along to this high-powered meeting.
‘Would you be willing to come with me next week, Michelle?’ Rob asked.
‘Yes, I suppose so, if you don’t mind me being away from work for the day,’ I replied.
‘I am sure we will be able to arrange things,’ said Sarah.
‘That’s settled then. Michelle and I will attend the meeting and report back. Of course we’ll consult you all before we sign anything, but I trust we have the authority of the other members of the Committee to negotiate on your behalf.’
The others all agreed to leave things in our hands and the meeting broke up. The only trouble was that I now had the financial future of our society resting on my shoulders, not to mention a most interesting opportunity for my new boyfriend.
All in all I had a lot to think about over the next few days which somewhat diverted me from thinking too much about my long term future, but I was not in the mood to discuss it with anyone else. I didn’t say too much to Mum about the proposal as I didn’t want to get in to a detailed discussion as to who would do the dancing and the extent of my own contribution if I could avoid it. Likewise, Alan and I didn’t discuss it when we met for our next practice on Friday night. I knew that he had ambitions of going professional one day and didn’t really enjoy his present job, but I think he probably realised that if he did so it would be without me as his partner. Last of all I didn’t say anything to Rich about the proposal when we went out again together on Saturday evening and back to his flat afterwards. I knew that he would be interested but I didn’t want to get his hopes up, especially if it was later my fault if the scheme didn’t come off. In any event we both had other things on our mind – but that’s another story.
Next time: Decision time
I have to be away for the weekend and so I am posting this a little earlier than usual. The final chapter will be published next weekend. Thanks to Bronwen for editing and to everyone else for comments and kudos which are always appreciated.
Louise
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Ballroom dancing has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t realise just how important it would become in shaping my future until I had to take the place of one of my bosses following an accident.
Dancing Queen A novel by Louise Anne Smithson Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Chapter 30 My future
There is no railway station in Dunstable, it was closed down many years ago in the 1960s, but the train journey from Luton to St. Pancras in London only takes about thirty-five minutes, and there is a frequent service. Thus Rob offered to pick me up from my home at 9.30 on the morning of the 3rd November. I was wearing one of Mum’s smart business suits, and a silk blouse, and by this time was pretty good at fixing my own hair and makeup. My outfit gave me more confidence and I could tell that Rob was quite pleased with the way I looked although he didn’t comment on the fact.
‘Basically, Michelle, we’re just there to listen to one another to find out more details as to what they have in mind, and make clear what we are able to offer. We won’t be signing anything today,’ he said.
‘I know but it would be nice if we can at least come away with the final wording of the contract, and then organise another meeting,’ I said.
‘But I don’t want you to feel pressurised in any way about your own contribution, even if it does mean that the deal falls through. You’ve done more than enough for the society as it is.’
I smiled to myself remembering that such asurances had had relatively little impact on the way things had turned out for me in the past.
‘Don’t worry, anything I decide to do in future will be for my sake.’
‘Good’.
It took us another fifteen minutes after our arrival to travel on the Underground to Leicester Square and a ten minute walk to Dean Street off Soho Square, where the company had their offices above a shop. Thus we were in plenty of time for our 11.00am appointment. We were welcomed by Gerry and Frank, the two bosses of the outfit, both of whom were in their mid-thirties, and their assistant, Chloe, in her late-twenties. I was introduced as ‘Michelle, the secretary of the committee’.
‘And, if I’m not mistaken, one of the principal dancers, as well,’ said Gerry.
I smiled in agreement.
‘You really can dance well, young lady. That tap routine for the Charleston on Saturday was brilliant, as was the Tango as well. I wanted to congratulate you at the time but didn’t get a chance.’
‘Thank you,’ I said, colouring a little but pleased to receive such a compliment, all the same.
They took our coats and offered us some coffee and then we adjourned to a small meeting room.
‘I take it that you’ve had a chance to look through the draft proposal, Rob?’
He confirmed that we had discussed it at a Committee meeting and were broadly in favour of the terms.
‘We’ve been looking again at the six YouTube clips, and would be happy with the choreography and dancers involved so these could form the basis of our first six videos early next year, so that will give those involved some time to prepare for the others.’
‘So you would pay the choreographer a fee even though the work as already done?’ Rob said.
‘Yes, of course, so long as they were willing to transfer the rights involved but we would need to film the dancers again, this time without an audience. We will provide a director, a camera man and a sound man, and will also be happy to employ your guy as a freelance as well if he is interested.’
‘His name is Richard,’ I added.
‘That all sounds great, but we are not sure about Michelle’s availability in the New Year,’ said Mike.
There was a perceptible change in temperature in the meeting. Frank dropped the pen he was holding.
‘What about the others involved?’ he asked.
‘We would have no problem, there,’ said Rob. ‘Alan, in particular, is very keen to take part.’
‘I am sure that we would do our best not to clash with Michelle’s existing commitments,’ said Gerry.
‘The trouble is you are asking an awful lot from someone who is not a professional dancer, and has no intention of becoming one,’ I explained. ‘My principal role in the society so far has been as a choreographer and I will be happy to continue to do so. There are other ladies who could undertake the dancing.’
‘In that case why were you selected as the lead dancer for your showcase dances?’
‘Our usual showcase dancer had an accident – that is why I was asked to take her place,’ I replied.
‘We didn’t see evidence that there are any of your colleagues who is in the same league as you are, young lady,’ said Gerry.
‘You haven’t seen my friend Sarah dance; she is just as good a dancer as I am, but has been out of action for a few weeks, but she should be dancing again by January.’
‘Would you agree with that assessment, Rob?’ asked Frank.
‘I’m biased since she is my wife, but yes, both she and Michelle are excellent ballroom dancers.’
‘And there are other lady dancers who are also improving all the time and will soon be in a position to take over the lead,’ I added.
‘I am going to need a brief private discussion with my colleagues,’ said Gerry. ‘Would you two excuse us please?’
They left us alone in the room for a few minutes.
‘I hope you know what you are doing,’ said Rob.
‘So do I,’ I replied.
The three came back after five minutes.
‘We would be willing to accept your assurance that you will be able to provide other lady dancers of an appropriate standard, but in return we want it to be specified in the contract that at least fifty percent of the dances will be undertaken by Michelle and her current partner.’
‘I am sure that we will be able to agree to that,’ I replied, turning to Rob before he had the opportunity to respond.
He gave me a searching look.
‘Alright, if Michelle is happy with those conditions, I am sure our committee will be happy to go ahead.’
The remainder of our meeting was concerned with discussing the details, a timetable and then converting the proposal in to the terms of a contract for us to take away. Whilst it was being printed I asked whether I might use the Ladies and Chloe offered to show me where to find them.
‘They must be really keen to have you as a dancer, Michelle, they don’t normally compromise in this way,’ she said.
‘I don’t think they’ll be disappointed by the others. Also, as soon as we have finished with the ballroom dances I have a few ideas for similar ones to cover Electro Dance Music as well.’
‘Really? I keep telling my bosses that they ought to branch out into EDM as well as ballroom. Maybe we could meet up in the New Year and put down a proposal on paper. I’m sure they would listen to you.’
‘I’d like that,’ I replied.
Rob and I had a bite to eat together before returning to Luton in the early afternoon.
‘Thank you for making space for Sarah, she will now have a great incentive to get dancing once again.’
‘I meant what I said. I’ve always thought that she was an excellent dancer.’
‘I really hope that you realise what you are committing yourself to, Michelle, potentially remaining as a girl for the next two years.’
I smiled.
‘I think I am committing myself to a lot more than that, Rob. I’ve decided that Mike won’t be coming back, ever. I have decided to continue using my female identity, full-time, and take steps to transition to become a woman, both legally and also physically, as far as is possible. I will be seeking to change my name and my gender on official documents. After two years I will be seeking to obtain a gender recognition certificate.’
He didn’t look completely surprised by what I’d just said.
‘Sarah said to me that she thought this might be the final outcome, but are you sure?’
‘I wouldn’t be taking such a drastic step unless I was absolutely certain. It is a decision that I’ve been gradually coming to over the last few weeks. The proposal we have discussed today may have caused me to come to that decision a little earlier than I had planned, but I am sure that I would have come to the same decision quite soon, in any event.’
‘Michelle does seem a more confident and contented person than Mike.’
‘Yes, I think so.’
‘Well, all I can say is good luck to you,’ he said and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
By the time we got back to Luton there was no point in my travelling in to work in Dunstable so Rob dropped me off at home at 3.00pm. Mum wasn’t in at the time. I changed out of my work clothes and put on a pair of jeans and a fairly scruffy looking top, found the step-ladder and made my way to the loft. I soon found the three black plastic bags containing Mike’s clothes and had just got them down and put them in the hall when Mum returned from her shopping.
‘What are you doing Michelle?’
‘I am just taking these to the charity shop. I will have no further use for them.’
‘So you’ve made your decision.’
‘Yes, Mum, I’ve made my decision; you will have a daughter from now onwards. I have found the address of a therapist and telephoned for an appointment. I hope to start taking testosterone blockers and oestrogen soon. There will be no going back then.’
She held me in her arms and looked carefully into my eyes.
‘You are sure?’
‘Yes, Mum, I am sure.’
‘I feel I can say this to you now, I think you are making the right decision. I’ve loved having a daughter and am sure that I will always do so, but that is not the point. I think it is the right decision for you.’
‘Thanks Mum.’
Later that evening I rang Helen on her mobile phone.
‘Hi Michelle, how did your meeting go?’
‘Very well indeed, in fact you will be seeing me around for some time to come.’
‘I suspected as much, I am pleased for you. So what can I do for you?’
‘You know you offered to take me clothes shopping sometime, are you doing anything next Saturday morning?’
‘No, I don’t think so.’
‘I’m planning to withdraw my savings out of the bank and need to buy myself quite a few items for my wardrobe now that I know that Michelle is here to stay. Will you help me to choose them?’
‘Yes of course I will be happy to do so, but what about the car that you have been saving for?’
‘There will be opportunities for me to earn some money in the future, but in the meanwhile I have more important things to do with the money.’
So that explains how my life changed so drastically for the better, over a six week period in the Autumn of 2009. Since that time I have been living as Michelle full-time and have been legally recognised as a woman since November 2011. I have never once had any regrets or questioned the wisdom of the decision I made about my future at that meeting.
Fortunately I had no difficulty in convincing my therapist that I was suffering from gender dysphoria and quickly prescribed testosterone blockers before my body had fully developed as a male. Thus my facial features and shoulders and limbs were all quite passable. It took a few more months before I was prescribed oestrogen, but now after a few years of taking them I now have a pair of normal looking breasts and smooth skin.
Sarah fully recovered her dancing skills in time for the New Year ball of 2010. She danced with Rob and I even managed to get Richard up to a reasonable standard to dance the final waltz together. Sarah ended up taking responsibility for dancing nearly a third of the videos and Sonia the remaining sixth. The series proved to be a great success and our members received many invitations to give further demonstrations, some of which I accepted.
These days I often ask Sonia to take my place as she is equally capable. In fact Alan and Sonia are planning to go professional soon and should do well as a couple. In the meanwhile Chloe and I proposed a series of EDM dance videos involving myself and a number of young dancers we discovered in the clubs. These are also doing fairly well, and have contributed to my earnings.
I have continued to work for Rob and Sarah and have remained friends with Helen. In fact the business has done very well over the last few years. Richard and I often go clubbing together regularly, but that is as much as I am willing to say on that subject.
Thanks again to Bronwen for editing and to everyone who has commented, kudoed or sent me a personal message. Please feel free to add any further comments if you wish. Louise
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Sometimes it is more important to listen to your inner voice than those around you. Honey Bunny
Copyright © 2015 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
The story is partly set in the county of Hampshire (specifically the area between the cities of Southampton and Portsmouth) in England, but also in various tourist destinations adjoining the Mediterranean Sea, notably Barcelona and Venice.
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Sometimes it is more important to listen to your inner voice than those around you. Honey Bunny Chapter 1 Copyright © 2015 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Following the instructions sent to me by my Aunt Emma, I alighted from the train at Havant station, which is about five miles before its ultimate destination at Portsmouth. There were several other passengers who got off at the same time as me and so I let them sort themselves out and make for the station exit before looking for my aunt, who had promised to meet my train and drive me to her home in Waterlooville nearby. At first there was no sign of her, but after a minute or two, I caught sight of her, together with my cousin Carol, hurrying down the steps of the station footbridge.
‘Hello Alex, and welcome to Hampshire! I can’t in all honesty comment on how much you’ve grown since I last saw you, but you look well enough,’ she said as she approached me and gave me a welcoming kiss on the cheek.
‘Hi Aunt Emma; hi Carol,’ I replied to them both.
‘It’s good to see you again,’ she continued.
She did at least sound as if she meant it, which was an improvement on the somewhat frosty send-off that I’d received from my own parents earlier in the day, after yet another of our family rows concerning my future..
‘Sorry if we’re a little late, but I couldn’t find anywhere to park. I trust you had a trouble free journey?’ she continued.
‘No problem at all, thanks,’ I answered, ‘I arrived at Heathrow two and a half hours ago, took the bus to Woking and, as you suggested, then caught the Portsmouth train from London. It’s good of you to let me stay with you for the summer.'
‘That’s all right, my dear, we’ve plenty of room since Susan has left.’
(Susan is Carol’s older sister who had recently left home to go and stay with her father in Southern France.)
‘I’ll warn you, though that Waterlooville isn’t the most exciting place on this earth,’ she continued.
‘I’m sure it will be preferable to staying with Mum and Dad in Bahrain. In any event, I’m hoping to find some work in Portsmouth.’
‘I’d prefer spending my summer sipping cocktails by the side of Red Sea, to working in Portsmouth,’ commented Carol.
‘It’s the Persian Gulf rather than the Red Sea and, believe me, the attractions of that place pretty soon wear off,’ I said, ‘especially during the summer months when the temperature regularly goes over forty degrees. I wouldn’t be able to find any work there and my parents would be forever wanting to know what I was planning to do with my life.’
‘Excuse my geography,’ said Carol with a smile as she picked up the smaller of my two suitcases, leaving me to carry the other.
Aunt Emma led the way back over the footbridge towards the station exit.
‘I gather from your mother that things haven’t been so good at home recently,’ she commented.
My aunt was good-natured but could be blunt at times.
‘You know what they’re like! If only they’d just leave me a little time and space to make up my own mind about my future,’ I replied, sighing.
‘Yes, I gather that your mother was not best pleased with you when you decided not to apply for University, this year.’
‘Well I’d no idea what subject I wanted to study,’ I replied.
‘But you’re supposed to be the clever one in the family – the one who finished his ‘A’ levels a year early.’
‘Maybe, but there would be no point in my starting a university course only to decide to give it up a few months later,’ I replied.
‘So what is the latest situation?'
‘Mum and Dad have reluctantly accepted that I shall not be going to University this coming September but feel they will be able to bully me into applying for one next year. In the meanwhile, I would like to try and earn a little money during the summer and maybe do a little travelling for a while.’
I didn’t say what was really in my mind; that there comes a point when working hard and doing what your parents wanted could no longer disguise the fact that there were things fundamentally wrong in your life: things that were not going to go away merely because you had grown up. Instead I turned to my cousin in an attempt to change the subject of the conversation.
‘How have you found university, Carol?’
She shrugged.
‘Fine, I’m enjoying my course in Sociology and Criminology at the University of Portsmouth.’ I’ve nearly finished my second year so I’ve been able to live at home and save money.’
‘Mum and Dad want me to do something more traditional at Oxford or Cambridge.’
‘If you can get a place and they are willing to pay your fees, I would go for it as it will be a means of putting off making any decision about what to do for another three years.’
I felt as if I’d been putting off making decisions about my life for as long as I could remember, but I didn’t say so.
‘How do you find the work?’
‘No problem - I’ve been having a great time. I just have a couple of assignments to finish and an exam next week and that’s it until the end of next September,’ continued Carol.
‘But it is only just May now.’
‘I know, awful isn’t it,' she replied, laughing. ‘A whole summer with no responsibilities.’
By this time we’d reached the car which was parked on a double-yellow line next to the station car park.
‘Get in quickly, you two, before I get a parking ticket,’ said my Aunt.
We loaded my cases into the boot of her car and began the four-and-a-half mile drive to her home.
'I don’t think you are likely to find any summer employment in Waterlooville, Alex, but we aren’t that far from Portsmouth and there are plenty of buses. I’ll be working in town tomorrow afternoon, if you like I'll call in at lunchtime to give you a lift and show you where to go.'
‘Thanks.’
During the drive to their home, the conversation inevitably turned to my future once again.
‘So what do you want to do with your life?’ Carol asked me with a smile.
‘Ideally I should like to work in the music industry, but Mum and Dad don’t approve of that'.
‘There are an awful lot of people who would like to do that.’
‘I know.’
‘So what do you play?’
‘I play the keyboards and also sing a little. I don’t have the looks to make a living as a singer, and keyboard players are ten a penny, but maybe I could find work as an arranger or a backing vocalist.’
I knew that this wasn’t going to happen as I uttered those words.
‘Our family always was quite musical,’ commented my Aunt, ‘Did you know that Carol sings in a group as well?’
‘No, I’d no idea,’ I replied.
‘It’s only a duo, since Alice walked out on us last week,’ corrected her daughter.’
‘Why did she leave?’ asked Aunt Emma. ‘I thought you three sounded pretty good together.’
‘Apparently we weren’t good enough for Alice. She felt the group wasn’t making any progress, so has gone up to London to make her fortune,’ replied Carol.
‘She was a little bit of a prima donna,’ commented Aunt Emma.
‘You aren’t kidding, but she has rather left us in the lurch,’ Carol replied.
She then turned to me.
‘It’s a pity you aren’t a girl, Alex, because we could do with a new backing singer, but I don’t think you would fit in as one of the Honey Bunnies, do you?’
‘I guess not,’ I replied, in answer to her question, with my cheeks colouring slightly, whilst thinking to myself ‘If only I could.’
‘But maybe you can help us with some of the new arrangements that we’ll need to make.’
‘I should be happy to help if I can.’
Soon after we arrived at the house and I was shown the bedroom that was going to be mine for the summer.
‘Susan has taken all of her stuff that she wanted to keep and l am storing the rest in a box under the stairs, so feel free to use any of the cupboards and drawers. I’m afraid that the furnishings are a little bit 'girly'. That’s what comes of having two daughters.
‘I’m sure I’ll be able to cope,' I replied, smiling.
The next day was a Friday and I quickly discovered that Aunt Emma was right in her prediction. There wasn’t going to be any work for me locally, although Portsmouth seemed to be a little more promising. I therefore accepted the offer of a lift in to the town after lunch and went to the local job centre where I put my name down. They were not much help but at least gave me the addresses of a couple of employment agencies and suggested that I might leave my details with them. I did as they suggested, and after the briefest of interviews at the first one I visited, I was offered a job at one of the McDonald’s restaurants in the town. I was told that I would first have to attend a basic food hygiene/health and safety course (the cost of which would be deducted from my wages) but could start almost immediately afterwards. Now that I was eighteen I would at least earn the minimum wage of just over five pounds an hour. It was a ‘zero hours’ contract but I was told that I could expect to be offered about thirty to thirty-five hours work each week, as required, between the hours of 5.00 am and midnight. This would at least enable me to contribute towards the cost of my upkeep and perhaps even provide me with a little pocket money whilst I looked around for something better. I wasn’t completely broke, Mum and Dad had given me a thousand pounds for my eighteenth birthday, although I’d promised them that I wouldn’t just fritter it away and that I would save up to get myself something special and then tell them what I’d done with it.
After my interview I got the bus back to Waterlooville and arrived just in time to help Carol prepare our evening meal.
‘How did you get on, Alex?’ she asked.
‘I start at McDonalds on Monday,’ I replied.
She gave me a patronising smile.
‘So you’ve found your first McJob!’
‘What’s a McJob?’
‘Hard boring work, poor pay, poor conditions and antisocial hours. But we’ve all done one of those at some time or another. I may even end up having to join you as soon as my exams are over.’
‘Is it really that bad?’ I asked. ‘At least it will keep me occupied and I’ll earn a little money.’
She shrugged.
‘Wait and see. At least you’ll get as much free coffee and hamburgers as you can eat! You never know, you may even find that you enjoy frying chips and flipping hamburgers.’
She then changed the subject.
‘My friend Bethany, from University, is coming over tomorrow morning and we’re going to try and rescue something from the wreckage of our singing careers. We have a two-hour gig in the function room of a pub in Portsmouth in just over a week’s time but at present we barely have enough material to fill half of that time. We’ve been rehearsing using a karaoke machine but you would be welcome to play the keyboards for us, if you like, and let us know what you think.’
‘Yes I should like to do that. Will you also need me when you come to perform?’
‘No, we should be alright for the performance, thanks. We are booked to appear alongside three session musicians who are fairly well-known locally.’
‘Yes of course’
‘By the way, Mum is going to be away for the coming weekend, staying with a friend, so we will be fending for ourselves.’
‘That’s no problem. Maybe I can get in some practice frying chips and flipping hamburgers.’
That evening I emailed my Mum and Dad to confirm that I’d arrived safely and had even found myself a job. I didn’t go into too much detail as I didn’t want to give them any more ammunition to use against me in our ongoing battle of wills. A minimum-wage job in a fast food restaurant would confirm all their fears about my ‘throwing away the opportunities that they’d worked so hard to provide for me’. There would be no acknowledgment about my own role or right to decide my future. The trouble was that I’d found the various secondary school exams I’d taken up to that point to be quite easy, and so they assumed that they'd been ideal parents. It was only recently I’d begun to lose any interest in my education and wonder what it was all for.
The following morning Carol and I had breakfast together and waited for her friend to arrive. I was then introduced to Bethany, a slim brunette, aged about twenty, with lovely long hair. The three of us spent a few minutes together discussing their programme before making a start. I quickly discovered that Carol was being unduly modest. The 'Honey Bunnies' (or at least what remained of them) weren’t bad performers. Their repertoire was a little limited, based on material that had been in the hit parade over the last few years – Adele, Christine Aguilera, Amy Winehouse – that sort of thing. Some of their material would now require new arrangements for two voices, but both Carol and Bethany were good looking and competent singers and performers. They were unlikely ever to get a recording contract, but there are far worse groups performing every weekend in clubs up and down the country. I was more than happy to play the keyboard for them and occasionally made suggestions which they seemed to accept in good part.
‘We are still going to need a couple more numbers to complete the programme. Do you have any other suggestions, Alex?’ asked Carol.
‘What about ‘Proud Mary?’
‘What’s that?’ she asked.
‘It’s a song, originally from the nineteen sixties, but there have been lots of more recent versions including one by Tina Turner. It is still quite modern sounding and I’m sure you would have heard it.’
‘Can you play it for us, please?’ asked Carol.
I did as she asked also singing the words, whilst adopting the falsetto pitch that I sometimes use as I thought this might give them a better idea of how to arrange the song,
‘Ah yes, now I recognise the tune, but how did you learn to sing like that?’ asked Carol.
‘Like what?’
‘Like a girl,’ she said, as if it were blindingly obvious.
I coloured slightly wishing that I had not done so.
‘I’ve always had a high-pitched voice,' I replied. ’I’m a tenor, but I can sing in the falsetto range.’
‘You sounded to me more like a contralto than a tenor, but a good one, all the same,’ said Beth.
‘I was just trying to sing a version in a pitch that would suit you two,’ I explained, blushing slightly.
'OK let's give it a try. You may join in as a backing singer if you like, Alex,' said Carol.
After a couple of rehearsals they were happy with the result and it became the first twentieth century song to be included in their repertoire. By the end of the afternoon, I’d made a couple of other suggestions from girl groups who had recorded during the 1960s and 1970s, some of which they knew, but hadn’t been aware of it. These could be used after a minimum of rehearsal. By the end of the day the girls were so pleased with the way things had gone that they offered to treat me to a meal rather than stay in to eat.
‘So where would you like to go?’ asked Beth.
‘Anywhere other than McDonalds,’ I replied, smiling.
'There’s quite a respectable carvery nearby, which is reasonably priced,’ suggested Carol, who was relieved that I hadn’t suggested anywhere more expensive.
Over dinner we continued to discuss their forthcoming performance and I soon discovered that Beth had taken over the role of organiser, following the departure of Alice.
‘You're a good musician and arranger, Alex,’ she said.
‘Thanks, it is nice to be appreciated,’ I responded. ‘My mum and dad see it as a distraction to my studies.’
‘We’re going to need to finalise the programme by tomorrow lunchtime and then email a recording to the musicians, so they can work out their arrangements.’
‘Won’t there be a rehearsal with the musicians?’ I asked.
‘Maybe, but they’ll decide that when they've heard the tape. Normally we just have a run-through and sound-check on Friday two hours before we are due to perform.’
‘Are the musicians any good?’ I asked.
‘Yes, in actual fact they are,’ Carol replied. ‘They're a local group with a really lame name – ‘The Pompey Players’ – named after the local football team.'
‘Oh, I see!’
‘But they’re competent musicians all the same.'
‘In that case, don’t be frightened to leave some space in some of the numbers for an instrumental solo. You don’t have to sing all the time, and all session musicians appreciate the opportunity to show what they can do. It will sound better that way and you won’t need quite so much material to fill the programme.’
‘Thanks for the advice.’
‘Would I be able to come and watch you on Friday, if I'm not working?' I asked.
‘Yes of course you can. We were also wondering whether you'd be willing to help us rehearse again tomorrow?’
‘I guess so; I’m not due to begin my work until Monday.’
‘That’s brilliant! Alex, you're a real star!’
I smiled, again pleased that my musical abilities were at least being recognised.
‘Maybe you could also think of a few more suitable titles for us at the same time.’
‘Alright, I’ll see if I can think of any tonight.’
‘Well don’t stay up too late, I’d like us to have an early start in the morning.
Once we got back to my Aunt’s house I left my cousin and her friend talking together whilst I made my way to my bedroom where I proceeded to do an internet search looking for suitable songs from the 1960s to the 1990s. I looked out for good strong songs for girl groups ranging from the Supremes to the Spice Girls. In no time at all I had come up with more than forty suggestions that were all within their vocal range. I went to bed about midnight thinking that it had been a most enjoyable day, even though I wouldn’t get to take part in the final performance.
Louise
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Sometimes it is more important to listen to your inner voice than those around you. Honey Bunny Chapter 2 Copyright © 2015 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
The following morning, I presented my list of suggested tunes to Carol over breakfast. She read it through, thanked me but said that she would prefer not to comment on any of the titles without Beth.
She appeared to be a little anxious about something.
‘When’s Beth coming?’ I asked.
‘She said she’d try to be here by about nine o’clock; she has something to ask you before we make a start,’ she said and began to clear the breakfast table.
‘Do you know what it’s about?’ I asked.
‘She’ll explain to you.’
With that my cousin disappeared into her bedroom where she remained until the doorbell rang a few minutes later. She emerged carrying a black dress on a hanger which she hung on a coat hook by the front door before opening it. Beth came in carrying a couple of packages.
‘Hi Carol, Good Morning Alex!’
‘Hi Beth, I’ve completed that list for you both to consider,’ I began.
‘Thanks, that’s great, we’ll discuss them later,’ she replied.
She put down her packages on the table and turned to Carol.
‘Have you spoken to him yet?’ she asked.
‘No, I was leaving that for you to do, as it was your suggestion.’
‘Spoken to me about what?’ I asked, now intrigued.
‘Well, Alex,’ Beth said carefully picking her words. ‘Carol and I were talking last night after you went to bed. We were really grateful for your help yesterday but we’re still a little anxious about this forthcoming gig.’
She hesitated for a moment looking for the right words, but then decided to take the plunge.
‘So, we wondered whether you’d like to become a temporary member of the ‘Honey Bunnies.’
Bethany’s announcement came as a complete surprise to me. I turned towards Carol to see her reaction, whether they were trying to wind me up, but she seemed to be avoiding my gaze.
‘Do they want me to appear in their line up as a boy, or as a girl?’ I asked myself.
I struggled to remain calm; to appear nonchalant.
‘I thought the ‘Honey Bunnies’ was supposed to be a girl group.’
‘So we are, but you have already demonstrated to us that you have a fine girl’s singing voice. We suspect that with a few artificial aids and adjustments we could have you looking like a passable girl as well - at least for the one performance.’
I struggled to get out a response.
‘What do you mean by artificial aids and adjustments?’
‘I’ve brought some clip in hair extensions with me which are roughly the same colour as your own hair and some shoes that should fit you. We also have the stage dress that Alice used to wear,’ she said pointing to the black dress that Carol had hung next to the door.
‘I can provide you with a bra and a pair of tights and we can use my makeup supplies,’ Carol added.
‘We’ll need to provide you with some boobs but I’m sure we will find a way of doing so convincingly,’ concluded Beth.
I needed a moment to think through the implications of what they’d just said and had to stop myself from appearing too eager.
‘You want me to stand up in front of a large audience and pretend to be a girl?’ I asked.
Beth nodded.
‘They have a drag show at the venue once a month but you're a far better singer than any of the regular performers. I also suspect you’ll look a lot more convincing as a girl than any of them as well. At least let us see how you look when you’re dressed as a girl. If you look ridiculous I promise that we’ll forget all about the plan.’
‘But Carol, what is Aunt Emma going to think?’
She shrugged.
‘I’ve no idea! Mum isn’t planning to be back until this evening, by that time we’ll have safely returned you to the state in which we found you, so she need never know.’
I didn’t respond, as thoughts raced around my brain. The whole idea was so far-fetched – a complete non-starter. There were so many potential problems. But there was no question that they needed some help and the idea of performing once again did have a certain appeal. If I were honest with myself this could be the opportunity I’d always been longing for.
‘Well Alex, what do you think of the idea?’ asked Beth, after a few seconds waiting for an answer.
‘As long as you promise that I’ll be back as a boy before my aunt comes home, I’ll be willing to see how I look, but I’m not making any promises about the performance next week.’
‘It’s a deal,’ she replied and both my companions appeared to be relieved.
Beth and Carol had clearly been working out a plan as they now sprang into action.
‘We’re going to need you to de-fuzz your legs and arms first of all. Carol will then loan you some underclothes and a pair of her tights.’
I went up to my bedroom and did as they instructed, using my electric razor. Fortunately, neither my limbs nor my face were particularly hairy.
‘A razor should be good enough for today, but we may need to use some depilatory cream on your armpits,' said Carol.
‘What if your mother notices?’ I asked.
‘She shouldn’t do so as long as you always wear a t-shirt around the house, and you’ll find that they grow back fairly quickly.’
Once we were finished Beth came in and attached some silicone breast enhancers just below my natural breasts and created a cleavage by pushing them together and wrapping several layers of transparent tape around my chest.
‘I trust this is going to come off without leaving a mark.’
‘Don’t worry, any marks will soon fade and in any event they won’t be visible under your t-shirt,’ she said.
Despite the enhancers, I still needed a little padding inside one of my cousin’s push-up bras but eventually appeared to have quite a convincing pair of boobs and even a cleavage. This was just as well, as the little black dress I was asked to put on had a fairly low-cut top. Nevertheless, it seemed to fit me quite well, apart from the slight appearance of a bulge between my legs.
‘Here, you’d better put this on,’ said Carol handing me a garment.
‘What is it?’
‘It is a home-made gaff made from the top of an old pair of tights and a sock with the toe cut off. It is used to tuck the offending article out of the way between your legs, and keep it there during the performance.’
‘Where did you learn about all this?’ I asked.
‘I looked it up on the internet last night. Advice for female impersonators.’
I did as I was told and was then handed a pair of tights and shown how to put them on. It was quite a nice feeling to have my smooth legs encased in the nylon hose.
‘Have you ever worn high-heels before?’ asked Beth.
‘No I don’t think so.’
‘That is apart from trying on my Mum’s shoes when I was younger and she wasn’t in the flat,’ I thought.
‘It's lucky that you have relatively small feet for a guy, and I have large feet for a girl. You can put these on now and I suggest that you keep them on. The more practice you can get wearing them the better.’
Before I was able to get any practice in the shoes I was asked to sit at the dressing table, but facing sideways so that Carol could do my makeup for me.
‘How long have you had those studs in your ears?’ she asked.
‘I had them pierced last summer,’ I replied.
(That was another thing that Mum and Dad had objected to.)
‘So there should be no difficulty in taking them out and replacing them with a pair of proper earrings.’
‘I’ve only ever taken them out once or twice, but I guess that there will be no problem.’
‘Good, I’ll put in a pair of my pearl drops for now but when it comes to the performance we can all wear a pair of matching chandelier style.’
I wasn’t used to removing and replacing my studs, but I found that the holes had fully healed and it was not such a difficult task to do so. Beth then proceeded to clip in the various hair extensions she had bought.
‘These will take a little time to put in correctly and so we’ll probably need to help you to get ready next Friday evening,’ she said.
‘I haven’t said that I’m going to do it yet.’
‘You will do once you see the finished job.’
'Can I watch what you're doing?' I asked.
'Alright. I guess that you are going to need to know how to do this for yourself.'
Over the next twenty-five minutes or so I watched in the mirror, transfixed, as Carol gradually transformed my face into that of an attractive young woman. She began with my cheeks and then moved on to my eyes, brows and lashes and finally my lips. She used a variety of different cosmetics in bottles, tubes, powders and applicators. Whilst this was going on Beth was working on my hands, pushing back the cuticles, applying acrylic finger nail tips, and holding them in place until they set securely. Once they had set, she applied little blobs of acrylic to the remainder of my nails and then smoothed them down and polished them until it was no longer apparent that they were artificial
‘You have quite slim hands for a guy, you really should have been a girl,’ she commented in a matter of fact way.
I wasn’t sure what to say in response to that comment.
‘I suffered from chronic asthma as a young teenager and this appears to delayed my puberty which is why I’ve remained at five foot five with a fairly high pitched voice and small hands and feet. However, the doctors say that I’m alright now and will probably catch up over the next year or two although I’m unlikely now to grow any taller.’
‘That's the ideal height for our purposes. So long as your voice doesn’t suddenly start to break over the next fortnight - that would be a disaster.’
‘I don’t think that’s likely to happen, I think I’m probably stuck with a relatively high-pitched voice.’
Beth now started to paint lacquer on my new nails.
‘You're sure that you'll be able to get these off in time tonight,’ I said.
‘Yes don’t worry. Just soak the nails in acetone for a few minutes and the acrylic, the tips and the polish will all come off together.'
At last, at 11.15 the girls expressed themselves to be satisfied with their work, and I was helped into the black dress, and given a necklace to match the earrings.
‘Come and have a look at yourself in the full-length mirror in my bedroom,’ suggested Carol.
‘Well, young lady, so what do you think of yourself?’ asked Beth.
I didn’t answer, but just stared at my image in the mirror. To say that I was impressed, or even amazed, would have been an understatement. I looked like the totally convincing young woman that I’d always felt myself to be deep inside my soul.
‘Well?’ asked Carol.
‘I guess I do look ok,’ was all I could manage to reply.
Beth and Carol exchanged glances at one another, but I’d no idea what they were thinking about.
‘So what are we going to call you when you're dressed as a girl?’ asked Beth
‘I don’t know,’ I responded, still in a state of shock.
‘Well for a start it has to be Alexandra’ rather than ‘Alexander’ but that is a bit of a mouthful, and we can’t call you ‘Alex’. How about ‘Xndra?’ suggested Carol?’
‘You could call me Sandy, I guess,’ I said.
‘No Sandy can also be used as a boy’s name. How about Ally?’
‘I don’t mind Ally,’ I replied, this time adopting a slightly higher pitch.
‘Your voice has changed!’ said Beth.
‘Well if I’m going to be dressed like a girl I may as well try to sound like one as well.’
‘Alright so that's agreed then Ally, now that we know you look and sound like a girl we’d better make sure that you can still sing whilst you're wearing a dress and high-heels.’
Over the next hour we all became convinced that I was going to be a useful addition to the Honey Bunnies and not just as a backing singer. There was no further discussion about my taking part in the next gig thereafter, it was simply taken for granted by all concerned. We spent the next three hours going through our repertoire, adapting the songs to three voices where necessary and taking it in turns to take the lead. We also went through my list of suggestions and found seven or eight that we all knew. Bethany or Carol sang the more modern tunes, and I led with some of the twentieth century classics which we’d selected from my list. Yet we all supported one-another and our voices sounded well together so we came up with a well-rounded performance. Eventually we finalised our programme and made a digital recording with brief musical interludes where we wanted the musicians to improvise.
‘So what do you think, Carol?’ asked Beth as we listened to the recording.
‘I think it’s great, it’s the best we’ve ever done,’ she replied.
‘How about you, Ally?’
‘Yes, it sounds pretty good to me,’ I replied.
I didn’t add that I couldn’t remember ever having enjoyed myself so much before.
At five o’clock this was emailed to the leader of the Pompey Players together with an explanation of what we hoped to achieve.
‘OK, you had better help me to get changed now, before my aunt gets back,’ I said to Beth.
‘Yes, of course. I think we’ll need one more practice session and we’ll also have to help you to get ready on Friday night, but we can do that at my place if you like,’ said Beth.
‘Yes I’d prefer that Aunt Emma didn’t know about this as she’s in regular contact with my Mum.’
True to their promise Bethany and Carol had changed me back into a young man by the time Aunt Emma arrived from her weekend away. My boobs were unstuck, leaving a little bit of a mark behind, but which would soon fade, and my nether regions were allowed their freedom once again. The false nails and false hair that I’d been wearing were removed and my earrings replaced by my usual plain studs. I also reverted to my normal voice. I still felt a little different, conscious of my smooth arms and legs, but my Aunt didn’t seem to notice any change in me or ask what we’d done over the weekend. She was more concerned with my plans for the following week.
‘What time do you start your job tomorrow, Alex?’ she asked.
‘Nine o’clock.’
‘How will you get there?’
‘I’ll be able to get a bus tomorrow but will have to walk on those occasions when I’m on a late or very early shift.’
‘You can borrow Susan’s bike if you like, it’s in the garden shed.’
‘Thanks very much.’
I completed the first eight hours of my McJob undergoing my hygiene and safety training. I would begin in earnest the following day and was told to report in at 5.30 am on Tuesday-Thursday as this was a quiet time when I could be shown the ropes without the daytime rush. It was a gruesome time to have to cycle in to work, but at least it meant that there would be no danger of clashing with any rehearsal for the Bunnies on Thursday or our performance on Friday. The restaurant manager stressed that what he was looking for in his staff was willingness to work hard and be flexible. He trusted that we would be flexible with our hours and in return he would do his best to accommodate any commitments we might have.
The work was not difficult but boring and things could get hectic at breakfast time and during the lunch time rush. Our hours were cleverly organised and there were three compulsory but unpaid half hour breaks which meant that the morning shift did not finish until 2.30 pm after the lunchtime rush, and the afternoon shift started at midday. I quickly discovered that the appeal of having as many hamburgers and as much coffee as I wanted quickly wore off. I also asked the manager about arrangements for me to be paid and was told that I’d receive my wages at the end of a fortnight. Payments would be made to me by an agency, who would charge me an administrative fee (deducted from my wages) for doing so.
‘Is that legal?’ I asked one of my new colleagues at work. ‘I thought we had to get the minimum wage.’
He smiled.
‘Welcome to the real world. They expect total dedication and flexibility on your part, but just wait until you want them to do something for you.’
Beth called round to see us on Wednesday evening after I’d finished work.
‘The guys say that they liked the tape but are asking for a rehearsal tomorrow evening. Alex can get changed at my house if he wants, and I’ve already told Mum that we’ll be getting ourselves ready there on Friday afternoon. Dad has promised to give us a lift in to the venue.’
‘That’s just as well as my Mum is likely to be at home,’ said Carol.
‘So will you be telling the musicians about me?’ I asked.
‘They already know that we’ve recruited a substitute for Alice’, said Beth.
‘But will you tell them about Alex?’
‘No I think that might worry them. It will be best if we keep Alex on a ‘need to know basis’ said Beth.
‘I agree,’ said Carol.
‘What is Ally going to wear for the rehearsal?’ asked Beth.
‘That’s a good point. We don’t want her spoiling the stage costume. I expect I’ll be able to find her something of mine to wear, if she can borrow your shoes,’ said Carol.
It sounded odd, but in some respects it was quite nice to hear the other me referred to as ‘she’ and ‘her’. It helped me to keep separate the two identities.
‘What time will you finish work tomorrow, Alex?’ Beth asked.
‘I should be back here by three.’
‘If you both come to my place as soon as you get back we’ll be able to get you changed into Ally before Mum and Dad get home from work – that way there’ll be no awkward questions for us to answer.’
‘As long as you're sure you know what you're doing,’ I said.
‘Don’t worry everything will be fine. I’ll see you tomorrow.’
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Sometimes it is more important to listen to your inner voice than those around you.
Honey Bunny Chapter 3 Copyright © 2015 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Bethany’s plan for Thursday afternoon worked very well. By a quarter to four Carol and I had arrived at her house, each carrying a suitcase. Inside there was a black shirt-dress and some underclothes loaned to me by my cousin for the rehearsal, together with high-heels and the hair extensions previously supplied by Beth. There were also the black stage costumes that we were planning to wear the following night. By six o’clock my colleagues had once again transformed me into Ally. My boobs were strapped up and penis tucked safely out of the way. My hair extensions inserted and styled and my makeup applied, including a new set of nail tips. I began to feel like Ally once again.
Ten minutes or so after we had finished we heard Beth's parents return home.
‘Ally, would you like to come down and say hello to Mum and Dad?’ asked Beth.
‘It would be polite to do so,’ added Carol.
‘Are you sure it is going to be alright?’ I said, conscious that they would be the first people to meet Ally, other than my two companions.
‘Just stick to your ‘Ally’ voice and act naturally; everything will be fine.’
I followed them downstairs, treading carefully and feeling very self-conscious about the way I looked.
‘Mum, Dad, this is Carol’s cousin, Alexandra, who’ll be filling in for Alice at the performance tomorrow.’
‘Nice to meet you, dear, Beth has been telling us what a good singer you are,’ said her Mum.
‘Thank you,’ I said blushing slightly, ‘but we’ll have to see how we get on at the rehearsal tonight.’
‘If you don’t mind we won’t stop for dinner as we still have a number of things to do,’ said Beth.
‘You go ahead girls,’ she replied.
‘Dad, can you give us a lift to the rehearsal tonight as well as tomorrow?’
‘I suppose so. Let me know when you’re ready.’
The ‘Pompey Players’ proved to be three fairly average looking young men, trying hard to look like a heavy metal band, but not quite succeeding. The founder of the group was James who was tall and spotty and played lead guitar. Thomas, who played the drums, had long hair and a spider’s web tattooed on his neck. Finally, George was a shortish but otherwise a quite nice looking guy, who played the keyboard. I was introduced to them as ‘Ally’ and they were all welcoming to me and didn’t appear to display any suspicions regarding my origins. At first sight I wasn’t terribly impressed and wondered whether they would be in the same league as the ‘Bunnies’, who appeared somewhat more sophisticated than the guys but any doubts were quickly dispelled once they began to play. They were all good musicians and ready and willing to contribute to the overall performance, rather than just remain in the background. As I’d suggested, they were more than happy to add several instrumental solos or flourishes to enhance our performance as singers.
We worked through our proposed programme without any serious hitch and were satisfied that everyone knew what they would be doing on the night. By 10.30 pm we were all pleased with the way things had gone and the guys suggested that we might adjourn to the local pub. Beth turned down the offer explaining that her Dad would soon be coming to collect us, so we stayed where we were chatting pending his arrival. At one point, George came over to me and spoke quietly.
‘I was impressed by the recording that Beth emailed. To be honest, we were a little anxious about tomorrow night’s gig when we heard that Alice had left ‘the Bunnies,’ but you’re exactly what they need to strengthen the line-up and to increase their repertoire.’
‘That’s nice of you to say so, but I’m only a temporary replacement for Alice,’ I replied, blushing a little, although quite pleased to find that my contribution had at least been recognised.
‘That’s a pity, but at least you will be performing tomorrow evening.’
‘Oh yes, I’m looking forward to it,’ I replied.
‘Me too!’ he said and smiled at me.
He had a nice smile. I wondered whether Alex would have even noticed, but on the other hand, perhaps George wouldn’t have smiled at Alex in the same way.
Beth’s father turned up at eleven o’clock: Carol and I got in to the back seats of his car with Beth in the front.
‘As it’s fairly late I’ll drive you and your cousin straight back to your house, if you like, Carol,’ he offered.
‘That’s alright thanks, Mr Jones, Ally and I have left all our stuff in Beth’s bedroom. We can easily take a taxi.’
‘That’s no problem, we’ll go back and collect your belongings and then I’ll drive you home.’
Carol didn’t answer: Beth turned to look at us and I’m sure that she noticed the look of horror that was on my face. What was I going to say to Aunt Emma when I arrived home wearing one of her daughter’s dresses, together with hair and nail extensions and full makeup?
‘Actually, Dad, I was planning to ask Mum whether Carol and Ally could stay at our place for tonight. Neither of them will be working tomorrow and we still have plenty to do to get ready for our performance tomorrow night.’
‘Will that be alright with your Mother, Carol?’ he asked.
‘I’m sure it’ll be fine but I’ll phone her to let her know where we are.’
‘How about your parents, Ally?’
‘They’re both in Bahrain, but I’m sure they would be alright about it so long as Aunt Emma is happy.’
‘Alright in that case we can go back to our place and make the necessary arrangements.’
Beth’s mother was happy to have us stay in their spare-room, but pointed out that we would have to look after ourselves in the morning as they would both be leaving for work by 8.00am. Carol rang Aunt Emma to explain that we would be staying with Beth but we would call round later the following day for a change of clothes. She also said that Alex had agreed to help them set up the equipment ready for the evening’s performance at the Red Lion.
‘Doesn’t he have to work tomorrow?’ Aunt Emma asked.
‘No, he’s not needed again until Saturday lunch time.’
‘So when will I see you both?’
‘Saturday morning, I guess. I’ll phone you sometime tomorrow just to reassure you that we haven’t been kidnapped and sold into slavery.’
‘I’ll need to find you both some bedclothes for tonight,’ said Beth. ‘Carol, you can wear a pair of my pyjamas. Ally, there’s a nightdress and housecoat set that was bought for me last Christmas by my gran, and which I’ve never worn. They are a little bit girly for my taste, but girly is what you should be aiming at for the next twenty four hours.’
‘I suppose I don’t have much choice but will one of you help me to take off this makeup please.’
‘Alright, but we’ll leave your nail tips in place to save time tomorrow,’ said Carol.
‘Have you thought about how and where I’m going to get changed back to Alex after the performance tomorrow night?’ I asked.
‘I’m afraid that Mum and Dad are likely to be in,’ said Beth.
‘So will my Mum,’ said Carol.
‘Would I be able to get changed at the venue, after the performance?’ I asked.
‘No, I think that might be too risky as you might be seen by one of the lads,’ said Beth. ‘There is a shed at the end of our garden which is some way from the house. You can probably get changed in there. We’ll leave the back gate unbolted and put Alex’s clothes and some makeup remover pads in a bag ready for you to use. I’ve already told Dad that we’ll be getting a lift home from the venue, but instead we’ll take a taxi. I’ll go in first to make sure that my parents are asleep in bed and then I’ll text you that the coast is clear for you to go and get changed.’
‘As long as we don’t get arrested for attempted burglary,’ said Carol.
‘I don’t think that’s likely to happen. The shed is not visible from my parents’ bedroom and is really only overlooked by my own bedroom and the spare room.’
‘Life can get really complicated when you try to switch between male and female,’ I commented.
‘Maybe so, but it also makes for a more interesting time,’ said my cousin smiling.
‘Good morning, ladies, and how are we feeling today?’ Beth asked as she came into the spare room on Friday morning and handed us both a cup of tea.
I sat up and became aware that I was wearing a lacy nightdress, had long lacquered artificial finger nails and had long hair tied up with a ribbon.
‘Alright, I guess, but I’ll be glad when today is over and done with,’ I replied, once again using Ally’s voice.
‘Really, I got the impression that you enjoyed yourself at the rehearsal last night,’ said Carol.
‘The rehearsal was fine, but I was petrified afterwards when it looked as if I might have to arrive at your house dressed as Ally.’
‘Well my parents have already gone to work and so you have no need to worry again until this evening.’
‘So what is the plan for today?’ I asked.
‘I have to do some shopping after breakfast, so you two are welcome to come with me, or else stay behind,’ replied Beth.
‘We’ll go with you,’ said Carol without consulting me.
‘Alright, when we get back we can indulge in a little beauty therapy before we get ready for the evening.’
‘What do you mean by beauty therapy?’ I asked.
‘Last weekend we only shaved your arms and legs. I think the time has come to give them a waxing, if we are going to do things properly. Maybe we could tidy up your eyebrows a little as well and show you how to put on some false eyelashes.’
‘Will I be going shopping this morning dressed as Alex or Ally?’
Beth looked at me as if I’d asked a stupid question.
‘Well if you want to go out dressed as a boy wearing those girly finger nails and long hair, you are welcome to do so, but I think that might attract some attention, don’t you?’
‘Come on Ally, you can wear my shirt-dress once again,’ said Carol. ‘Also I think it is time you had your first makeup lesson whilst Beth prepares us some breakfast. From now onwards there must be no more mention of Alex until tomorrow morning. Is that agreed?’
‘I guess so, but do I have to wear the heels again? My legs were beginning to ache after the rehearsal.’
‘I’ll loan you a pair of my flats for today, but you’ll have to wear the heels again this evening for the performance.’
‘Yes, of course.’
Carol was right; living as a girl rather than a boy was a lot more complicated but it was also more fun. I had a great time during remainder of the day and I felt as if I’d become an accepted member of the Honey Bunnies. We completed Beth’s shopping and Carol and I each bought a new pair of knickers, a bra and a pair of tights, ready for the evening’s performance – sharing the cost of a ‘two for the price of one’ special offer. We returned to Beth’s house where the three of us proceeded to have the hair from our arms and legs removed, our hands and faces creamed, and our nails buffed. By 7.00pm there were three attractive young ladies in tight, low cut, black dresses showing off some cleavage, high heels and sexy looking makeup. I’d made a start on my own makeup, but the finishing touches, including the false eyelashes, were done by my colleagues. I was also given a pair of gold coloured chandelier style earrings which Carol had to put in for me as I was still unused to having longer finger nails. She also handed me a matching pendant with a bunny rabbit and the letter ‘A’.
‘We bought three matching pendants for Alice, Beth and Carol. I’m glad that you have adopted the name Ally as the idea still works.’
‘Thanks, but would you mind fixing the clasp for me?’
It had taken a deal of time and trouble to get the three of us looking the way we did, but as I checked myself in the mirror I couldn’t help but think that it was worth it. Especially as in my case this was likely to be the only opportunity I would have of looking so good.
‘Wow, just look at you three,’ commented Beth’s mother. ‘You all look lovely!’
‘Thanks very much, Mrs Jones,’ said Carol.
I smiled and felt good to be included in such a compliment.
‘Now are you sure you’ll be alright for a lift home tonight?’
‘Yes thanks, Dad, if you can take us in to the Red Lion now you won’t have to worry about us for the rest of the evening.’
‘Alright but make sure you telephone me if you find that you need a lift. I don’t like to think of young girls being out on their own late at night.’
We arrived at the venue just as the Pompey Players were unloading and beginning to set up their equipment.
‘Hi, guys,’ said Beth. ‘Is everything ok?’
‘I think so, but we’ll do a quick sound check before the audience arrives.
‘In that case we’ll adjourn to our dressing room to check on our hair and makeup,’ she replied.
This was going to be the first appearance of the Honey Bunnies in several weeks and a number of those involved in the local music scene were aware that there had been a change in the line-up and were intrigued to see how we would get on.
Beth began the set with ‘I don't feel like dancin’ by The Scissor Sisters with Carol and myself on the chorus. This was followed by The Sugababes number ‘Push the button’ this time led by Carol, with Beth and myself backing. These had been heard before and were part of their normal repertoire. It was now my turn to lead with the Britney Spears number from the nineties, ‘Baby one more time.’ This seemed to go down quite well with the audience, and George caught my eye and smiled his approval. These were followed by our versions of the Lady Gaga song ‘Bad Romance’ sung by Beth, and the Rihanna number ‘Rude Boy' by Carol. It was now my turn with my arrangement of ‘Where did our love go?’ from the Supremes, which dates back to 1964, before my parents were even born, but has been recorded at least a dozen times since it was revived by the Spice Girls in 1998.
By the mid-point in the evening, when we took a break, we had completed fifteen numbers dating from the 1960s to 2012, all of which had seemed to go down well with the audience, some of whom had been dancing, whilst others stood to watch.
‘You’re singing really well, Ally, but try to move around a bit more in time to the music like your colleagues,’ suggested George as we came off the stage.
‘That’s all very well for you to say, but I’m not exactly used to prancing around the stage wearing high heels and a dress,’ I thought to myself.
‘Thank you,’ I replied. ‘You’re not doing too badly yourself.’
I then gave him a nice smile and disappeared into our dressing room where I was hugged and congratulated by Beth and Carol who also seemed both pleased and excited by the way things had gone.
The second half of our performance seemed to go just as well as the first, with a mix of fifteen songs from the last five decades. I think it would be fair to say that we all performed pretty well, especially so the musicians, who made all the difference. As soon as we’d finished there were plenty of people who wanted to congratulate us, ask questions about the group or suggest further numbers for us to include in our next show. However, now that I’d done my duty as far as my cousin and her friend were concerned, I was quite anxious to get changed back into Alex and get back to my Aunt’s house safely without her having discovered about ‘Ally’. Carol and I therefore retreated to our dressing room leaving Beth to deal with any last enquiries. My cousin helped me to quickly remove the false nails, earrings and false eyelashes, as these were best taken off when there was plenty of light but I retained my costume, hair and the remaining makeup until we got back to Beth’s house. As soon as Beth was able to withdraw from the throng of those wishing to offer their congratulations we sneaked out the back door and took a taxi to her home.
‘Well done Ally, you were wonderful tonight,’ said Carol in the taxi going to her home.
‘I think we were all pretty good,’ I replied.
‘Yes, but you were the newcomer, in more ways than one,’ she replied indicating with her eyes that she couldn’t say anything more without being overheard by the taxi driver.
‘I’m sorry I didn’t get to thank and say goodbye to the musicians, they were very good,’ I commented.
‘They had plenty to do packing up after the show but if you like I’ll pass on your thanks when I next speak to them,’ said Beth. ‘I’ll need to arrange to pay them as soon as I’ve received our fee.’
‘How much will we get for tonight’s efforts?’ asked Carol.
‘After deducting our expenses, paying for the band and the taxi there should be forty pounds each.’
Given the amount of time and trouble that we’d invested into the performance, it was clear that being one of the Honey Bunnies paid substantially less well than the McJob. On the other hand there was no question in my mind as to which was the more interesting one to do.
Many thanks to Angharad and to Bronwen both of whom sent me corrections and offered to proof future postings for me. Louise
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Sometimes it is more important to listen to your inner voice than those around you.
Honey Bunny Chapter 4 Copyright © 2015 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
The plan to turn me back into Alex after our performance worked without a hitch. I changed my clothes and cleaned off all traces of the makeup with Carol’s help whilst Beth stood guard at her bedroom window. Within an hour my cousin and I were walking home each carrying a suitcase containing our stage costumes.
‘Well, cousin Alex, have you enjoyed your first ten days of life in Hampshire?' she asked.
‘It has certainly been different from what I’d expected, but it has been good fun,’ I replied now adopting Alex’s usual voice.
'I'm glad, and thanks again for saving the day for us.'
Aunt Emma didn’t display any suspicions when Carol and I came down to breakfast on Saturday morning; she merely asked what we’d been doing the previous day, when I was due to work again and whether or not I would be home for meals. I explained that I’d enjoyed the performance at the Red Lion the previous night and that we’d had a great time. Of course I didn’t say anything about my having sung as part of the group.
We had arranged for Beth to come round at ten o’clock, to discuss the previous evening’s performance. As soon as she arrived she handed us both £40. My Aunt was getting ready to leave to go shopping, so I went to her and offered my share as a contribution to my keep, but without saying where the money had come from. She kept one twenty pound note and returned the other to me.
‘I won’t take all of your money Alex, but you can pay me £40 a week once you start earning on a regular basis.’
She drove off towards Portsmouth and I returned to Beth and Carol.
‘Do you want me to begin with the good news or the bad news?’ asked Beth when I got back.
‘The bad news, I guess,’ said Carol.
‘We’ve had one negative tweet about last night, but also quite a number of good ones.
‘What does it say?’ Carol asked.
Beth showed it to us on her i-phone. It was under the heading ‘Good music at the Red Lion last night’.
The Pompeys were on excellent form last night. The new girl with Honey Bunnies is a looker and has a great voice but she needs some dance lessons!
Below there was a photograph of me wearing the little black dress, looking rather stiff and awkward. Carol, Beth and two of the lads were visible in the background looking more animated.
‘I just hope that Mum and Aunt Emma never get to see that photograph,’ I thought to myself.
‘There are a number of follow-up tweets from other members of the audience, one or two agreeing, but most of them saying what a good time they’d had and that it was good to see the Bunnies performing again,’ continued Beth.
‘Well if that’s the only negative comment, then it hardly counts as bad news,’ suggested Carol.
‘No, I suppose not, but it is something that we’ll need to bear in mind for next time.’
‘Next time?’ I asked.
‘Yes; that brings me to the good news. The manager of the Red Lion was so pleased with the way things went last night that he wants us to appear again next Friday evening and has even offered to increase our fee. I’ve spoken to the lads and they are free as well.’
‘But nobody said anything to me about a next time,’ I said.
‘You’re not due to be working next Friday are you?’ asked Beth in some alarm.
‘No, I’m not, but I’m wondering about the logistical problems of getting changed to Ally and back again without either my Aunt or your parents finding out.'
‘I’m sure we’ll be able to manage something,’ she said in a conciliatory tone. ‘We can always rehearse whilst the parents are at work, leaving the house before they return and you can always get changed in our garden shed after the show.’
‘I still think it might be risky,’ I murmured.
Beth continued, ignoring my reservations.
‘I should perhaps mention that it was one of the conditions of the booking that we all three perform. Apparently there was a rumour going around last night that you were only a temporary member of the Bunnies, but I assured him that it wasn’t true.’
I didn’t respond to this as I was unsure what I thought about the news.
‘We’ve already rehearsed several songs that we didn’t include last night but we’ll also have to come up with some new numbers in time for next week. I’ve promised to let the lads have a recording when we see them on Tuesday,’ she continued.
‘On Tuesday?’ asked Carol.
‘Sorry, I forgot to mention that The Pompeys have a gig on Tuesday night: it’s a ‘sixties revival’ evening. They’ve asked whether we’d be willing to do a guest spot featuring some of Ally’s songs from that era.’
I quickly looked at the time sheet I’d been given for the McJob. Fortunately I was due to work an early shift on the Tuesday morning and was not required at all on the following Friday, so there would be no clash.
‘Will they be paying us for Tuesday?’ asked Carol
‘We didn’t actually discuss a fee, but it is quite a compliment to be invited by them, and then they’ll owe us a favour. We won’t need to rehearse any new numbers for Tuesday, but maybe we could all practice a few dance steps together.’
‘But I’ve an exam on Monday morning, and will need to revise. How about you Beth?’ asked Carol.
‘My last exam is next Thursday afternoon but I’ve already done plenty of revision and will only need to go through my notes in the morning.’
‘What about you Ally?’
‘I’d rather you used Alex when I’m dressed like this,’ I replied.
‘Sorry! I’ll get the hang of things. But what are your commitments over the next few days?’
‘I’ll be working this afternoon and Sunday afternoon, then mornings from Monday to Wednesday, with Thursday and Friday off,’ I replied.
‘So how are we going to fit in rehearsals?’ asked Carol.
‘You carry on with your revision now. Alex and I can go through some dance steps together this morning and prepare one or two new arrangements of songs that we already know tomorrow morning, and also maybe a couple of entirely new numbers from Ally's list for her to sing. Then we should be able to meet up again at my place on Monday afternoon to record them for the lads.’
‘Do you have an electronic keyboard at your home Beth?’ I asked.
‘Yes, but I’m afraid you’ll have to come to my place in girl mode again on Monday if you don't want my parents to find out about Alex.’
‘I don’t mind that, but I’m just wondering what I’m going to wear.’
‘Don’t worry, I’ve washed the shirt dress and some underwear this morning so you should be able to wear those,’ suggested Carol, now warming to the plan.
‘What about on Tuesday, where will I get changed before we go to the gig?’
‘There’s no reason why we can’t all get changed here so long as we leave the house before Mum gets home from work,’ said Carol. 'My sister and I once got ourselves some sixties style miniskirts Ally and I could wear them .'
'I think I can probably borrow something suitable from my mum,' added Beth.
I felt a little bit as if I’d been hit by a bulldozer but both Beth and Carol now seemed so pleased about the way things had worked out that I didn’t like to raise potential obstacles. Aunt Emma wasn’t going to be back for a while, so Beth and I spent an hour going through some dance steps that she’d devised with me wearing high heels and a mini skirt. Afterwards I had to get changed and leave for my late shift at McJob. It wasn’t until then that I realised that we’d not made any arrangements for me to change back after our performance on Tuesday.
Saturday lunchtime proved to be very busy and I was grilling hamburgers for four hours non-stop before I had any break. However the mindlessness of the task did at least enable me to give some thought about possible numbers for the Bunnies to perform and how we might arrange them. I later jotted down a few ideas to discuss with Beth when she came round the following morning and briefly worked them out before going to bed
‘These are great, Alex; you really have a talent for popular music,’ said Beth to me after we’d finished our brief session on Sunday morning.
‘I do my best to please,’ I replied.
‘So I’ll see you and Carol at my place tomorrow afternoon.’
‘No it is Ally that you’ll be seeing tomorrow afternoon and also on Tuesday,’ I replied.
‘Yes so it is, I stand corrected,’ she replied smiling.
My McJob hours switched from the late shift to the early shift on Monday, consequently I arrived home from work at 3.30 on Monday afternoon, stinking of chips and anxious to have a quick shower and change my clothes. Carol was already waiting for me.
‘How did the exam go?’ I asked.
‘Alright, I think. At least I can be confident that I’ve passed the module because of the mark I got for my course work.’
‘So now what?’
‘I’ve finished my last exam and am a free agent until next term, but we’re unlikely to make much money from the Bunnies, so maybe I’ll have to flip hamburgers like you.’
I had a quick shower and Carol helped me to fix my boobs and hair extensions, whilst I made a start with my makeup, which she finished off for me.
‘I don’t think we need to bother with the nail tips today as we won’t be performing, but you’re going to need them again tomorrow.’
‘Which shoes shall I wear?’ I asked.
‘You may wear flats to walk to Beth’s house, if you prefer, but take the heels with us in case we have time to go through Beth’s dance routine after we’ve finished recording.’
Our plans for the Tuesday afternoon and evening rehearsal went well. We completed the recording and had time to practice some dance steps. Beth’s parents invited us to stay to dinner and gave no indication that they thought of me as anything other than one of their daughter’s friends. The only difficulty was when and how I was going to get changed back to Alex, and ultimately we had to hang around for an hour or so until it got dark and we could make our way to the garden shed unseen.
‘This is getting ridiculous, there must be some other way that I can get changed from Ally to Alex at night rather than creeping around people’s garden sheds,’ I complained.
‘What do you suggest, that we tell Mum about Ally?’ asked Carol, who was helping me unstick my boobs and remove the hair pieces whilst I cleaned off the makeup.
‘What do you think would happen if she found out?’ I asked.
‘I think she’d be alright about it, but the only danger is that she might feel duty bound to tell your mother.’
‘In that case we’d better stick with Beth’s garden shed,’ I replied, this time switching to Alex’s voice.
In the event, the problem was solved for me the following day. The three of us rather went to town with researching and then trying to create a suitable sixties look in terms of our dresses and makeup and succeeded in giving one another convincing beehive hairstyles, but in doing so we rather misjudged the time. We were just on the point of leaving the house ready to get a bus into Portsmouth when Aunt Emma pulled up in the car ten minutes earlier than she would normally be expected to do so. At first she smiled to see her daughter and two friends in 1960s dress leaving the house, but then seemed puzzled and finally looked quite stern as she worked out who the third young lady in the group was. Carol decided that the best form of defence was to attack.
‘Mum, we can’t stop to talk to you now; we’ve a bus to catch.’
‘You’re not going anywhere until you explain to me what is going on and why my nephew is wearing a miniskirt and high-heels.’
There was no alternative but for us to come clean, to tell her the full story about Ally and the triumph of the Honey Bunnies the previous Friday night. Her initial reaction was to be amused, but on second thoughts she started quizzing me.
‘You look most convincing as a girl, Alex, are you sure they haven’t forced you into doing anything against your will?’
‘No, Aunt Emm, I’ve been happy to help them and was pleased with our reception last week.’
‘Ally has been an enormous help to us, not only as a performer, but also as an arranger,’ added Beth.
‘But what are you doing now?’ she asked.
‘We’ve been invited to make a guest appearance at a show tonight.’
‘Mum, if we don’t leave soon we are going to miss the bus,’ said Carol interrupting.
‘Don’t worry about that,’ her mother replied sharply, ‘if necessary I’ll drive you there.’
‘Are you intending to tell your mother and father, what you’ve been doing, Alex?’
I blushed.
‘I’d rather not. You know what they’re like; Mum would be liable freak out and come over on the next plane.’
Aunt Emma could see the truth in what I said.
‘Does she have to be told?’ I asked.
‘I’m not sure about that, we’ll have to see. I won’t tell your mother an outright lie, but I need a little time to decide what I am going to tell her.’
‘I’m not asking you to lie but perhaps she doesn’t need to be told the whole truth, at least for the time being,’ I said.
‘We’ll have to see.’
We were on the point of leaving when Aunt Emma thought of something else to ask.
‘So when do I get to see the three of you performing together?’
‘I think tonight may be a private function, but we’re going to be at the Red Lion again on Friday evening; you’d be welcome to come along, if you wish,’ said Beth.
‘Alright then, I won’t make any decision about telling your mother until the weekend, Alex.’
‘Thanks, Aunt Emma. Will be it alright for me to practice as Ally from time to time in the meanwhile?’ I asked.
She sighed.
‘Yes, I suppose so, since you look so nice.’
‘Mum, if we don’t leave soon we are going to be late for the gig,’ said Carol.
‘Come on then, where do you need to go?’
The Bunnies contributed four numbers from the 1960s in a guest slot at the Pompey Players’ gig, with me taking the lead. Once again the guys seemed happy with our performance and also with the recording that we handed over to them containing the planned numbers for the coming Friday. After they heard it through James turned to me.
‘Hey, Ally, do you know the Carpenters’ number ‘Goodbye to love,’ from the early seventies?’
‘Yeah, I think so, that’s the one that finishes with a great guitar solo.”
‘That's right. I’ve practised that solo at home many times and I would really like to do it on stage one day, although I’ve never performed with a girl with a strong enough contralto voice before. George has made a great arrangement of it for guitar keyboard and drums. Do you think that you could manage the lyrics?’
‘I would have to look up the lyrics. It is not an easy song to sing as some of the lines are quite long, but I seem to remember the backing vocals are fairly straightforward – mainly oohs and aahs, if I remember right, but I hope you are not thinking that I will be able to sing as well as Karen Carpenter.”
‘No, but you have a fine clear voice and I’m sure that between us we could do a creditable rendition of the song.’
‘Well it will be up to the others to decide, I’m just the new girl around here.’
He turned to the others.
'What do you think, Beth?'
‘We have finalised the main programme for Friday, but I guess we could try it out as an encore, if Ally can learn the lyrics in time,’ she answered.
'I should have time to work out our parts so I'll have a go.' I said.
‘Thanks, Aly, that would be great,’ said James. 'Well practice the instrumental parts.'
The guys were just about to go back on for their final session.
‘If you three can hang around until the end of the session I’ll give you a lift home,’ offered George.
‘What do you think, girls?’ Beth asked.
'Why not?' said Carol.
We stayed on while the guys finished their performance and packed up their instruments as George had offered us a lift home.’
‘At least we won’t have to sneak round your garden shed to get changed this time,’ I whispered to Beth.
George brought us home soon after midnight, having first dropped off Beth at her house. I thanked him for the lift and he looked as if he was about to say something to me, but clearly thought better of it and wished us both goodnight, saying that he would see us on the coming Friday.
‘I think he may be getting sweet on you,’ commented Carol, with a smile, as we entered her house.
‘In that case he’s in for a disappointment,’ I replied, blushing.
Aunt Emma was still up when we got in.
‘So how did it go tonight?’ she asked.
‘Fine thanks,’ I replied.
‘And what plans do you have for tomorrow, Alex?’
I was about to reply but Carol butted in.
‘Mum, can we agree to call her Ally when she’s dressed like that, just in case someone should overhear’
My aunt frowned and I wished that Carol hadn’t made an issue of that point, particularly as my future was currently resting in her hands.
‘I just wanted to know whether it was going to be Alex or Ally when I get home tomorrow evening,’ she said a little tetchily.
‘Alex will be going to work until 3.00pm, but we were planning to have a rehearsal afterwards, although it probably won’t be necessary for me to dress up as Ally.’
‘Thank you. That was all I wanted to know. Goodnight then …. girls.’
‘Goodnight Mum/Aunt Emma,’ we replied in unison.
‘I don’t want you to antagonise her,’ I said to Carol after she left us, ‘I’m still a little anxious about what she might say to my mum and dad.
‘I don’t think you need to worry too much. If she was going to tell your mum and dad, she would have done so by now.’
Before going to bed I found a copy of ‘Goodbye to love’ on You Tube and emailed the link to Beth and Carol. I also downloaded a copy of the lyrics. It would be a difficult song to sing, with long lines and few opportunities to take breaths, but I could understand why James was so keen to use it to show off the skills of all three musicians, especially the lead guitarist.
The following morning I was called in to the manager’s office at the restaurant, soon after he arrived at 9.00am.
‘Alex, I’m going to need you for a late shift on Friday.’
‘But I’ll have completed my hours for this week by the end of this afternoon,’ I replied.
‘No problem, there’s no contracted maximum number of work hours in any one week. I can ask you to do an extra shift if I need to.’
‘Friday is going to be difficult for me. I don’t suppose I could do the extra shift tomorrow instead?’ I asked.
‘No we’re fully staffed tomorrow. Why can’t you come in on Friday? I trust you haven’t found a second job,’ he said.
(Although they didn’t guarantee us work, we were forbidden from taking alternative employment as this might prevent us from being available when we were needed.)
‘No but I’ve made arrangements to go out with some friends,’ I replied.
‘You’ll have plenty of other opportunities to go out with your friends.’
‘I’m sorry but it will be really difficult for me to work on Friday. Please can you find someone else for that duty?’ I said.
He looked at me sourly and I realised that I’d just gone down several points in his estimation.
‘I’ll try and get someone else to come in although Friday evenings are often difficult to staff. But if I can’t find someone to fill that gap I’ll expect you to come in. I’ll be texting the rotas for next week on Friday morning. I’ll let you know then if I need you to come in, but it would be as well to cancel any arrangements you have, just in case.’
With that I left the office and returned to my duties at the deep-fat fryer.
Thanks to Angharad and to Bronwen for proofreading. Louise
![]() |
Sometimes it is more important to listen to your inner voice than those around you.
Copyright © 2015 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
The Bunnies had previously invested in two matching sets of stage costumes which Alice had left behind when she decided to withdraw from the group. There were the short, black, sexy-but-fairly-formal dresses that we’d worn the previous Friday and Tuesday, and another trio of fairly sparkly and very feminine looking dresses. These were strapless, made of light blue spandex with a sequinned bodice, with hems that came just above the knee and four tiers of flounces. I tried on this outfit and discovered that Alice’s dress fitted me without any difficulty, and would not betray my artificial boobs. There was however a problem with the matching high-heeled sandals which came with the dress. Alice’s shoes were a full size too small for me. I could only just get them on but they would be quite difficult for me to wear, especially if I were to be dancing in them. However, Beth came up with a solution. We already knew that her shoes fitted me without too much trouble, and she was able to wear Carol’s shoes which were a half size larger than Alice’s. Carol, in turn, could just fit into those of Alice.
Once we had satisfied ourselves that the second of the two stage costumes was going to be alright for the coming performance we changed back into our everyday clothes, with me reverting to Alex mode. Beth left us at nine thirty for the quarter mile walk back to her home, whilst it was still light. We both gave her a hug and offered our best wishes for her exam the following day. After Beth had left Carol turned to me.
‘So you don’t have to go in to work tomorrow, Alex?’
‘No, I’ve already completed all my hours for this week.’
‘I’ll have to go into Portsmouth tomorrow to put my name down at an employment agency. I was wondering whether Ally would like to come in with me and we could take a look around the shops together afterwards. Beth has left her pair of flat heels for you to borrow and I’ll find something suitable of mine for you to wear.’
‘I don’t know, Carol,’ I replied in an uncertain voice.
‘But I thought you enjoyed spending time as Ally.’
‘I do, but I’m just a little anxious about what your mother will think if I spend so much time dressed as a girl.’
‘Well, it’s up to you. Mum now knows about Ally, and as far as I’m concerned the more experience you can get as a girl prior to the performance on Friday the better.’
Then, as an afterthought, she added: ‘We can always get you changed after Mum has gone in to work and we’ll be home before she returns, if you prefer.’
‘Won’t one of your neighbours notice if I come and go dressed as both a boy and a girl.’
‘I doubt it – this neighbourhood tends to be like a dormitory during the day. But so what if someone does see you? You look entirely convincing when you’re dressed as a girl.’
I knew what she said was true.
‘Let me have a think about it tonight,’ I replied.
‘Alright then. If you change your mind and want to come with me, I’ll be leaving on the 10.30 bus and coming back at about 4.00pm.’
I retired to my room wondering why Carol’s invitation had been so specifically extended to Ally and not to Alex and what I thought about the idea. Also, I began to worry about what I was going to do if I were to be required for Mcduties on the coming Friday afternoon and evening.
‘What are you planning to do today, Alex?’ Aunt Emma asked me over breakfast the next morning.
‘I’m not working today so I thought I might have a look around Portsmouth,’ I replied.
Carol and I exchanged a glance over the breakfast table and she smiled.
‘I’ll be going in later, maybe we can go in together.’
‘Yes, thanks, Carol, I’d like that.’
‘So long as I know whether you intend to be back in time for dinner,’ said Aunt Emma.
‘No problem, Mum, we’ll be back before five, and I’ll start preparing the meal.’
As soon as Aunt Emma had left for work and we’d finished the washing up my cousin turned to me.
‘Ok, let’s get down to work. Nothing too girly for today - that can wait until tomorrow night. We just need to get you looking like a normal young lady out on a shopping trip. In fact, before my sister left she gave me a trouser suit and a blouse which would suit you.’
‘I’m in your hands.’
She smiled: ‘Maybe, but I think it is now time that you took some responsibility for your own hair and makeup.’
‘Are you sure that’s wise?’
‘Don’t worry I’ll keep a watchful eye on your efforts to ensure that there are no disasters.
In the event, there were no major problems. For a beginner I’d become reasonably proficient at putting on my makeup.
About eleven thirty-five, two smartly dressed young women alighted from the Waterlooville bus when it arrived at Commercial Road, Portsmouth. I felt and looked quite confident about the way I was dressed and there had been no untoward incidents or curious stares at me as we left the house or during the journey. Carol had loaned me one of her old handbags together with a hair brush and a powder compact. She had told me to keep an eye on how I looked, but without making it too obvious. We made our way to one of the employment agencies in the area, where Carol completed an application form. My cousin was nearly two years older than me and had some experience of working in retail, and so she was not merely given details of the McJobs available as I had been. She was offered an interview with a local supermarket the following Monday morning.
‘I suppose that’s a start,’ she commented to me without too much enthusiasm. ‘How about we now do something that’s a little more interesting?’
‘What do you have in mind?’ I asked.
‘Let’s go and have a look at some dresses.’
I did as she suggested and was happy to accompany my cousin as she proceeded to scour the racks in a number of dress shops in the town and try on half a dozen items. I was willing to give her my opinion as to how they looked and whether or not they suited her and for the first time I found that I was taking genuine interest in the detailed design and colour schemes of the clothes. At the same time I was conscious that, in other circumstances, Alex would have been far more hesitant about voicing any such opinion, and would probably not even have noticed.
‘Come on Ally, I think it is time you tried on some things, how about this one?’ said Carol handing over a summery pink number.
‘I don’t have the money available to buy any clothes at present,’ I replied.
‘Nor do I, but that’s all the more reason to try on things now, so that when we do earn a little money we’ll know what we to want to buy.’
By mid-afternoon, we’d each tried on half a dozen outfits but bought nothing. We then caught the bus back to Waterlooville Precinct where we called in to do some grocery shopping for my aunt in the local Asda supermarket, and were home by 4.30pm.
‘So have you enjoyed your day out as a girl?’ Carol asked.
‘Yes, I believe I have,' I admitted.
‘I thought so and I’ve enjoyed having your company as a girl cousin,’ she replied with a smile.
So it wasn't only related to the music. Carol seemed also to enjoy Ally's company.
I’d successfully transformed myself back to Alex, leaving no clues behind, by the time my aunt returned home shortly before six. In the meanwhile Carol had prepared our evening meal.
‘Will you be able to give the three of us a lift to the Red Lion tomorrow night as Beth’s dad is going to be busy,’ Carol asked her mother over dinner.
‘Yes, I guess so. Will you also need a lift home afterwards?’
‘Ally and I would appreciate a lift, but I expect Beth’s father will collect her at the end of the show.’
‘I’d like to see the three of you in action, but I probably won’t stay for the whole of the evening. I’ll take you there and then perhaps come back and watch the last half hour of your show.’
‘In that case come back for us at about 11.00pm and you won't have to pay to get into the show,’ said Carol.
My cousin rang Beth during the course of the evening, to see how she’d performed in her exam, and to confirm the arrangements about her coming over to the house the next morning. My two colleagues were now free of exams and had decided that the bulk of Friday 23rd May was going to be dedicated to getting the Honey Bunnies ready for their next show.
I’d still received no word from my McManager when Beth arrived at 9.45am on Friday morning. If I was going to have to work I’d be expected to start at midday – he was cutting it very fine to let me know if he wanted me to go into work that day.
‘Alright Ally, I think we’ll begin with your nails as the acrylic is going to take a little time to cure,’ Beth announced.
There was a beep from my telephone, and my friend stopped as I quickly read the message.
Alex – sorry but I have been unable to find a replacement for you so I need you at twelve today – I will then give your timetable for next week.
‘Is there a problem?’ asked Beth as she noticed me frown as I read the message.
I looked up and noticed the pretty dress that I was going to be wearing on a hanger on the wardrobe door and the sandals on the floor underneath. There was no question in my mind as to my decision. There was no way that I was going to let my colleagues down.
‘No problem,' I replied, 'I just need to send a quick text message to work before we make a start.’
I hurriedly tapped out a message.
Sorry – I did explain to you – I am unable to work today, Alex.
‘My manager can cook his own chips for once. It may mean the end of my McCareer but I have a far more interesting opportunity this evening, even it is only for one more day,’ I thought to myself.
As soon as the message was sent I turned off my phone and put it away. I wouldn’t be turning it on again until after our performance later that evening.
‘OK, I’m all yours,’ I said to Beth, smiling.
‘No Ally, we’re all equals today helping one another to get ready for this evening,’ said Carol.
Over the next eight hours I was shown how to help the others with their complexions, to de-fuzz their arms and legs, to manicure their hands and feet and style their hair, just as they did for me. It may seem a little far-fetched to suggest that three girls could spend so long in getting themselves ready to go out for an evening, but it was so. Yet it was also great fun and I found myself forming a closer bond with my cousin and her friend than I had ever done with anyone else before. It seemed unthinkable that I could have let them down by dropping out of a performance at the last minute. There was no longer any pressure from exams, jobs etc. only our forthcoming performance to look forward to.
Although I spent the whole of the day as Ally we did not put on our costumes until we were ready to go out. Therefore we were able to pop out to the Precinct to make a few minor purchases and have some lunch together. Then afterwards we went through our songs for the evening together with our newly perfected dance moves using a karaoke machine. Aunt Emma returned at 6.00pm and Carol called out to her mother that there was food ready in the oven for her, that we were busy getting ready and would be down in an hour.
Eventually we were all ready.
‘You go first, Ally, we’ll follow you,’ suggested my cousin.
I did as she said, feeling a little self-conscious, but also knowing that we all looked great. There was an audible gasp from Aunt Emma as we entered the room.
‘Well, Mum, what do you think of your niece?’ asked Carol.
‘I think you all three look absolutely wonderful. You looked good when I saw you on Tuesday, but even better now.’
We thanked her and there followed about five minutes of admiration and detailed discussion of our costumes.
‘What are you going to wear round your shoulders when you go out, Ally?’ asked my Aunt.
‘It’s quite warm this evening, I should be alright as I am,’ I replied.
‘But it won’t be so warm when you come home tonight. Wait a minute!’
She disappeared to her room and came back with a blue jacket for me to wear and also a shoulder bag.
‘Susan left behind a few things. She asked me to take them to a charity shop for her, but I haven’t had a chance to do so.’
'Thanks, Aunt Emma,' I replied taking them from her.
'I wouldn't want my niece to catch cold,' she replied with a knowing smile.
To describe the second show by the Honey Bunnies at the Red Lion as a success would be an understatement. We looked good and had by now mastered (if that is the right word?) our stage routine. I would never make a top rate dancer but at least I was able to move in time to the music along with the others. We also now had a somewhat wider repertoire stretching back over a fifty year period, and the musicians were more experienced in supporting us. But equally, the audience was larger than before and more appreciative. Word had clearly got round about our previous appearance. George came up to me just after we’d finished the first half.
‘That was wonderful, Ally, I’m so glad that you’ve decided to stay with the Bunnies.’
‘You three provided us with great support, but I’m not the only singer, so make sure you say something nice to the others as well.’
‘I will do so, but you’re the one that gives the group something extra.’
Midway through the second half of our show I noticed Aunt Emma join the audience and I was pleased that we continued to be on good form until the end, and that she was there to witness the enthusiastic applause we received. As expected, there were several calls for an encore. James looked expectantly at me.
‘Goodbye to love?’ he asked.
‘Shall we give it a go?’ I asked Carol and Beth.
‘Why not, said Beth.’
The song began with my solo voice: 'I'll say goodbye to love.'
After two bars George and Tom came in with a gentle keyboard and drum backing. After the second verse everyone came in with a couple of lines of chorus before James embarked on the first of two guitar solos, this one sticking close to the melody, but also showing off his skill as a lead guitarist. I then came in with the final verse together with Beth and Carol ooh-ing and aah-ing in the background. There was no need for any dance routine on this occasion. The final third of the song was instrumental, with a chorus of ahs in the background. It began with a brief drum intro from Tom followed by James going off into the stratosphere with his guitar with the first ever ‘power ballad’. Of course, we could never be compared with the Carpenters original with the Tony Peluso guitar solo, but we were pretty damn good, all the same, and the audience showed their appreciation of our efforts. James was grinning from ear to ear as he took a separate bow, then he turned and bowed to me. I had the distinct impression that were it not that his girlfriend was in the front row of the audience he would have hugged and kissed me as well.
‘I think you may have made a friend for life, James has been on about that song for as long as I’ve known him,’ said Beth as we were changing our dresses.
I didn’t respond but felt very proud of what we’d just done.
‘So what did you think of the Honey Bunnies new line up?’ asked Carol as we got into the car.
‘I think you were brilliant, much better than when Alice was a member of the group. You also seem to have a wider repertoire now.’
‘That’s thanks to Ally,’ said Carol.
‘What will you be saying to Mum and Dad about tonight?’ I asked, changing the subject.
My aunt sighed.
‘That is rather up to you, dear,’ she replied.
‘Maybe I can tell them that I’ve joined a band as a singer, but without specifying that it is a girl band called the Honey Bunnies.’
‘I won’t volunteer any information that you do not want them to know, but neither will I tell them an outright lie.’
‘Thanks, Aunt Emma.’
My aunt went to bed as soon as we got home. At first Carol and I were far too elated to sleep. We went to her bedroom and hugged one another with sheer joy at the way the evening had gone. This time there was no need to go creeping round garden sheds to get changed out of our costumes and take off our makeup. We could now do so in the comfort of Carol’s bedroom.
‘By the way, when do you next need to work?’ Carol asked as she was carefully taking out my hair pieces.
I’d forgotten all about the McJob during the course of the day.
‘I’m not sure, I’ll just check,’ I said turning my phone on once again.
I waited a little while for any text messages to come through. I expected to find one either dismissing me from my employment or else another providing me with my work rota for the next few days. There was neither, and I was not sure what this meant. However at least nobody was expecting me to make an appearance first thing on Saturday morning. I noticed my manicured and lacquered acrylic nails as I operated the phone and smiled at how nice they looked. I didn’t feel in the mood to dip them in acetone and pull them off as it would somehow break the spell.
‘It looks as if I’m not needed in work tomorrow so I’ll have plenty of time to sort out my finger nails in the morning,’ I said to Carol.
‘Yes, that would suit me as I’m beginning to feel exhausted. So goodnight Ally and thanks for everything that you’ve done for the Bunnies.’
‘It’s been my pleasure,’ I replied and for once I really meant it.
Thanks to Angharad and to Bronwen for proofreading. Louise
![]() |
Sometimes it is more important to listen to your inner voice than those around you.
Copyright © 2015 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
I woke at 9.00 a.m. on Saturday morning and lay in bed for a while thinking about how much I’d enjoyed myself the previous day. These pleasant recollections gradually gave way to anxiety as I started wondering what I was going to do about the McJob. They’d been unreasonable in their demands of me and I’d no regrets about letting them down the previous evening, but I was going to need to earn myself some money: occasional bookings with the Honey Bunnies would not be sufficient. I wondered whether I should go in to work and try and explain and also perhaps apologise? This was my first misdemeanour so they might just keep me on after a warning? After all there can’t be that many mugs willing to work such antisocial and unpredictable hours for peanuts. If the manager did so, he would be bound to punish me by giving me a succession of awkward and unpopular shifts, but I could probably cope with that.
After half an hour of daydreaming about the previous night and worrying about the job, Carol knocked on my bedroom door and brought me a cup of tea.
‘Time to get up, I’m afraid. Mum has gone into Portsmouth, shopping. I’ve just had Beth on the phone; she’ll be round here at 11.00am and wants you to be ready in Ally mode.’
‘Why is that?’ I asked.
‘I’ve no idea. She said that she’ll explain to us when she gets here. You can borrow my trouser suit again if you like and I’ll find you a clean blouse and some of my underwear.’
‘I can’t keep borrowing your clothes, Carol,’ I replied.
‘We should get a better fee following last night’s performance. Perhaps you could invest some of Ally’s earnings in to buying her some clothes.’
‘I guess so,’ I said, a little anxiously, not wishing to admit that Alex might have just lost his McJob.
I got up, took a shower and fixed my boobs into place. A few minutes later Carol came in and handed me some of her underwear together with a pair of tights.
‘I’m glad that you left your nails on last night; that’ll save us some time.’
‘Me too,’ I thought.
‘Can you manage your own makeup whilst I get myself ready?’
‘I’ll do my best, as long as you’re not expecting me to put on the false eyelashes again.’
‘No we can probably excuse those for today. Do your best and I’ll help you to fix your hair afterwards.’
I was quite pleased to be able to do a pretty good job on my eyes and lips and also to put in my own earrings. As a result we were both ready by the time Beth arrived looking quite smart herself and also very excited.
‘Beth, what’s this all about?’ asked Carol, as anxious to find out as I was.
‘We’ve all got an interview in Southampton at two o’clock this afternoon. The guys are coming to collect us at twelve-thirty.’
‘Interview? What sort of interview?’ she asked.
‘For a job, on a brand new cruise liner that’s going to be based in Southampton. The entertainments manager for the line was in the audience last night and liked the way we appealed to a wide age range. He may be considering us for a booking for their first voyage – all six of us.’
‘But when?’ I asked.
‘The ship takes on its first passengers a week from today. It then does a twelve day Mediterranean cruise before returning to Southampton for two days to restock and take on new passengers.’
‘But does he know about me?’ I asked.
‘The only thing he knows about you is that you’re a great singer and arranger. What else is there to know?’ asked Beth, feigning ignorance.
‘That I’m a guy, course.’
‘Do they really need to know that? Everyone who meets you when you’re dressed as Ally takes it for granted that you’re a girl,’ said Carol.
‘No matter how convincing or otherwise I might be, he would still need to know the truth. If the company are employing us they will need my National Insurance number which includes my sex and they would also want to see my passport. There’s no way that I’m going to attend an interview, dressed as I am, without them knowing.’
Beth looked horrified by this statement.
‘But what are the guys going to say if you come along to the interview dressed as a guy?’
‘We’ll just have to explain the situation to everyone concerned.’
‘Look Ally, there’s no guarantee that we’re going to be offered the job on the cruise, and we may want to use the Pompey Players another time. At least come along to the interview dressed as a girl and let’s see what happens. In the unlikely event that we are offered a contract that’ll be the time for you to come clean,’ suggested Beth.
I wasn’t so sure about that, but I was now fully dressed and made up as Ally and it would inevitably take me some time to revert back to Alex.
‘Alright I’ll go to the interview as Ally as long as it’s understood that I’ll have to tell the truth if we are offered a booking.’
Beth and Carol reluctantly agreed with me and we spent the next forty-five minutes making sure that we all looked our best. The guys turned up in James’s six-seater car, and they were also looking unusually smart. Tom was sitting in the front passenger seat, with James and Carol and Beth climbed into the back row, leaving me to share the middle row with George. He proceeded to spend the next thirty-five minutes of our journey telling me how excited he was by this prospect, how it was just what he’d always wanted to do, and how pleased the three of them were that they’d linked up with the Honey Bunnies. In fact everyone in the car seemed to be elated by the prospect, except for me, knowing that I would probably be the one who was going to squash the whole deal. We parked just outside Southampton Docks and presented ourselves at the gates. The gateman checked that we had authorisation and then directed us to where the new liner was still being fitted out.
Beth’s ‘so-called’ interview proved not to be an interview at all but rather the opportunity to give us the details of a trial during the maiden voyage of the ship with paying passengers. This was to be a twelve day cruise, on this occasion only as far as Marseilles and back. Frank Johnson the entertainments manager was still working out the details of what acts would be needed when the three weeks cruises between Southampton and Venice commenced after our return. As indicated by Beth, he’d been in the audience of the Red Lion the previous night and was impressed with both the musicians and the singers.
'I've been looking for some musicians and singers for some time, but it was your encore last night that finally made me decide to give you a trial.'
James looked at me and smiled. I felt like a heel.
‘I liked the fact that you didn’t just stick with the current hit parade or sought to appeal only to the teens and twenties. I’d encourage you to include some more material from the last century.’
‘No problem,’ said James, ‘we’ve already begun to do so.’
‘Remember also that many of the passengers will be non-English speakers so the broader and more inclusive you can be the better.
The others all murmured their agreement, I kept silent.
‘I’m afraid you’ll have to lose the name ‘Pompey Players’, which won’t go down very well in Southampton, but I quite like ‘the Honey Bunnies’.
(There is a long tradition of rivalry between the two neighbouring South Coast ports.)
‘I suppose we could bill you lads as ‘the Young Bucks,’ if you want to keep to a rabbit theme.’
The boys could see no objection – in fact I got the impression that they’d have been happy to call themselves whatever he wanted, if it got them a booking.
‘Maybe you could smarten yourselves up a little as well, guys, and get yourselves haircuts. If you did so I’d be able to use you to provide backing for some of the other acts where we occasionally need musicians.’
By implication he must have thought that the Bunnies were smart enough already.
He proceeded to show us the dressing rooms and the tiny stage where we would be performing most nights of the week and told us about the duties. The more he told us, the more anxious I became. It was going to be a twelve night Mediterranean cruise with stops in a number of tourist destinations. There were, of course, other entertainments on the ship but we would be expected to perform most evenings with a nightclub style performance and also on those afternoons when the ship was at sea. The salary offered was respectable and what is more all our meals and accommodation would be provided. There were a few additional duties such as helping with the embarkation and disembarkation procedures and acting as stewards during the weekly safety drills. However, these duties would not amount to more than an hour each day. There would be plenty of free time and if any of us undertook anything beyond those specified, they would be paid extra. I looked around at the others and could see that everyone was most impressed and just itching to sign on the dotted line, but now it was crunch time, I could keep silent no longer.
‘It is a wonderful opportunity, Mr Johnson, and I’m sure we’d all love to do the work. But there’s a problem.’
‘What sort of problem, young lady?'
I gave a nervous laugh.
‘That’s just the point, I’m not a young lady, but a young man. There is no Alexandra Fletcher, my name is Alexander. I agreed to fill in for one night with the Bunnies but after that, things rather got carried away and we were offered other engagements,’ I said with a nervous laugh.
The room went very quiet and I could feel the sense of astonishment experienced by all of the males present. I dared not look at the reaction of the guys. After a second or two, Frank broke the silence.
‘This is intended to be a family show; we’re not looking for a drag act.’
Bethany came to my aid.
‘Ally is not a drag performer and we have no intention of providing a drag or burlesque type show,’ she said with some emphasis. ‘We’re a girl group and Alexandra has been filling in for us as a female impersonator. She has been doing a great job in the process and is much better than the real girl she is replacing.’
‘How old are you?’ he asked me briskly.
‘Eighteen,’ I replied.
That seemed to ease a little of the tension. He appeared to be going through various things in his mind. He then turned to the lads.
‘Did you three know about this?’ he asked the musicians, addressing them as a group.
It seemed to me to be a stupid question given the looks of astonishment that remained on all their faces.
‘We’d no idea,’ said James, sadly.
‘As far as we’re concerned he can wear whatever he wants whenever he wants,’ added George with just a hint of bitterness in his tone.
‘But that is not so. If this trial were to go ahead, she won’t be able to wear what she wants – at least not whilst she is on board the ship. Our staff carry photo identity cards at all times. If they board or leave the ship or go into a secure area, their photograph is displayed on a screen. We have employed transsexuals before now but no-one who switches backwards and forwards between genders. There are thirty-one nationalities represented by the staff and crew and they would not all understand the situation.’
‘Well he certainly looks and sounds like a real girl,’ commented James to Frank.
Frank continued, thinking out loud.
‘I suppose it might be possible for me to make a few clerical errors regarding Alex’s name and sex in our employment records but I wouldn’t want this to be known by the other members of staff or the crew, and especially not by the passengers. Is that understood?’’
‘Are you saying that I’d be expected to remain as a girl for the duration of the voyage?’ I asked.
‘Well apart from anything else, you’ll have to share a cabin in the female staff quarters.’
‘That won’t be a problem, Ally can share a cabin with me as we’re cousins,’ said Carol, warming to the idea.
‘But what am I going to wear when I’m on board?’
‘We have the two stage outfits which fit you,’ said Carol.
‘Yes, but what about the times when I’m not working?’ I asked. ‘I had to borrow these clothes to come to this meeting as it is.’
‘You’re welcome to continue borrowing them,’ she added.
‘You may keep my hair extensions and shoes,’ said Beth. ’There is also fifty pounds due to you from your performance last night.’
‘We didn’t pay you for your guest appearance on Tuesday evening so I’m sure we could add a further fifty to make it up to one hundred,’ added James.
The two other guys nodded, suddenly realising that their dream job might not be entirely lost.
‘I could probably match that with a similar advance from your salary. If the trial proves to be a success, as I hope it will do, and I decide to keep you on for further voyages I’ll find a way to lose it in my expenses,’ said Frank. 'You'll also be issued with a uniform for when you are carrying out official duties on behalf of the company,'
‘So that will give you £200 to buy yourself some clothes,’ said Carol quietly.
It also occurred to me that there was also now likely to be about £160 paid in to my account from the McJob. They may have sacked me but they couldn’t withhold money that I’d already earned.
I was conscious that everyone’s eyes were now on me.
‘When do you need an answer?’ I asked.
‘Now, I’m afraid. If you’re not interested there’s another group that I have in reserve, which are not as good as you, but I know they would be available. The ship sails next Saturday and there’s a fair amount of preparation work to do in the meanwhile.’
I could feel the weight of expectation from the others pressing down on me. I turned to look at my cousin.
‘Carol, you’re going to have to help me explain this to Aunt Emma.’
‘Yes, of course, I’ll make it clear that you’re doing this for all of us.’
I took a deep breath.
‘Alright then, I’ll do it,’ I said.
There was an audible sigh of relief and the three guys and two other girls looked mightily pleased.
Frank intervened.
‘There’s a saying that we often use, “What happens on the ship stays on the ship.” Once you are ashore it is a different matter. I truly hope that this trial works out for everyone, but it will only do so if we all agree to forget about the existence of Alexander, and concentrate on helping Ally in her new role whilst she’s aboard the ship. Is that clear?’
Everyone nodded in agreement.
The rest of the afternoon was spent filling out relevant forms and receiving our boarding instructions. My male passport wasn’t going to create a problem as long as I didn’t try to go ashore outside the EU, and even then most countries accepted a Cruise Identity Card for short visits ashore. I was unable to provide a female national insurance number, however, but Frank said they could create a temporary female account where they would pay my contributions. I would have to answer a few awkward questions at a later date if I wanted to have them to be credited to my own account, but contributions to a pension that you will not receive for at least fifty years don’t seem so important when you’re only eighteen.
I got the impression that the guys didn’t know what to make of me. On the one hand I think they realised that it was my musical ideas that had been instrumental in getting us the trial in the first place, but at the same time the discovery about my true sex had nearly cost them the job before they’d even started. They all knew that they would have to co-operate with the Bunnies if they wished to retain the booking after the initial trial period, but I was sure that George would never be quite the same in his attitude towards me. Beth and Carol, on the other hand, regarded me as the heroine of the hour and were determined to make sure that no disrespect was shown to me or snide comments made behind my back.
I made sure that I sat in the back row of the car next to my cousin for the drive back to Waterlooville and I noticed that George had deliberately sat himself in the front row next to the driver. Everyone appeared to be slightly in a state of shock. We’d achieved what we’d set out to do, but had made some discoveries along the way.
‘I expect Mum will be home by the time we get back. I suggest that you should go straight up to your room and I’ll explain to her all about the job offer this afternoon. I’ll also tell her what you are proposing to do and why.’
‘So you think we should tell her straight away,’ I said.
‘Yes, the sooner the better. We’ll have a lot to do over the next week and we can’t afford to keep her in the dark. You go up to your bedroom and I’ll call you down as soon as she knows.’
I did as Carol instructed and began to draft an email to Mum and Dad. They would have to be told that I’d now got a job as an entertainer on a cruise ship but they didn’t need to know that it was as a girl singer. Whilst I was doing this, Carol was talking to Aunt Emma, giving her a full blow by blow account of the proceedings during the afternoon. After about an hour Carol came up to see me.
‘Mum now knows and wants to have a talk with both of us in the lounge.’
‘How did she react?’ I asked.
‘She was a little bit surprised, but after seeing the three of us perform last night she was not as surprised as you might think.’
‘Alright, here goes,’ I said as I followed her downstairs.
Thanks to Angharad and to Bronwen for proofreading, and to everybody who has left a comment or awarded a kudo.
I am posting this a day early as I have to be away for a few days.
Louise
![]() |
Sometimes it is more important to listen to your inner voice than those around you.
Honey Bunny Copyright © 2015 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Although by this time I was quite used to dressing as Ally and my Aunt had seen me dressed as a girl on a couple of occasions, I nevertheless felt self-conscious when I followed Carol downstairs to see her.
‘I understand from Carol that it’s going to be Ally rather than Alex from now onwards,’ said my Aunt with a welcoming smile.
‘Well I don’t actually need to be Ally again until I join the ship next Saturday,’ I responded.
Carol shook her head.
‘No, it needs to be Ally from now onwards, at least until we’ve completed the trial,’ she said. ‘The more practice you can get, the better it will be, for all our sakes.’
‘I suppose you’re right,’ I replied. ‘If anyone on board recognises that I’m a guy, we are unlikely to receive any more bookings from the company.’
‘So what are you planning to say to your parents about the job?’ asked Aunt Emma.
‘I’ve drafted an email to them saying that I’ve found a job as a musician on a cruise liner, but I haven’t gone into a lot of detail.’
‘I’ll bet you haven’t!’ she replied. ‘You’d better send a blind copy of your email to me and I’ll do the same to you for anything I send to your mother so we can at least get our stories straight. But I don’t like telling lies to my sister.’
‘Thanks, Aunt Emma. We won’t be lying so much as not telling her the whole truth.’
She sighed.
‘I just hope that I’m doing the right thing.’
‘I really appreciate your help, Aunt Emma. It's what I've always wanted to do.’
She looked at me inquisitively as if to say Do you mean 'singing in a group' or 'living as a girl?' but then appeared to have decided not to ask that question. I avoided her gaze.
‘Carol has talked me in to co-operating with your mad scheme – for the sake of both of you and the others in your group.’
'Thanks.'
There was a brief pause before she changed the subject.
‘I suppose we’ll now need to get you sorted with some more clothes to wear. As I mentioned the other day, Susan left quite a few of her clothes when she left us last month. You’re welcome to use any of those,’ she pointed to a large cardboard box which Carol had retrieved from a cupboard under the stairs.
‘I’ve already had a quick look through it, Ally; there are a number of items you might use, in addition to the clothes that Beth and I have already loaned to you,’ said Carol.
‘I’ll also have £200 to spend on some new clothes,’ I added.
‘In that case there are a number several outlet type clothes shops in Gun Wharf Quays in Portsmouth which often have good quality clothes for sale at less than half the normal high street price. I’m owed a few hours by my work so maybe we can drive over there on Monday afternoon, if you like, to see what we can find for you.’
‘Thanks, I’d like that.’
‘You’ll need to get yourself some new underclothes as well. I’ll loan you some of mine for tomorrow, but after that you must get some of your own. Maybe we can buy some items in the Precinct tomorrow morning,' said Carol.
‘Alright then.’
My Aunt was just about to leave us to explore the contents of the cardboard box but then appeared to have second thoughts.
‘One other thing, girls!’
We both looked up.
‘Congratulations on your new jobs!’
‘So what exactly are we looking for this afternoon Ally?’ asked Aunt Emma, as we parked at the Gun Wharf Quays.
‘I’m not exactly sure. I’ve already got some clothes, but I’m going to need to have enough to last me for the two week trial period. Presumably there are staff laundry facilities on the ship, but I don’t want to have to rely on them too much.’
‘She’s going to need another dress, a skirt or two with matching tops and some trousers, some shoes, and a couple more sets of underwear,’ said Carol who had appointed herself my wardrobe mistress.
‘Are we going to be able to get all that for two hundred pounds?’
‘We should do so as long as we don’t get carried away,’ said my Aunt.
‘I’m not experienced enough to know what is likely to look good on me, so I’ll just leave myself in your hands, on this occasion, if that’s ok.’
‘Alright, on this occasion, but pay careful attention as you’re going to have to develop your own look, and know what is right for you to wear.’
Thus I spent most of Monday afternoon trying on different garments or listening to my aunt and my cousin discussing what colour combinations would go best together, or else carrying a growing number of carrier bags containing my purchases. I could see that that women have a much wider range of clothing types, colours, styles and textures to choose from and so it was going to take me a little time to get used to them all. It was a tiring afternoon, but I enjoyed myself and learned a lot.
‘Well, Cousin Ally, you are now the proud possessor of a reasonably sized wardrobe of female clothing,’ announced Carol as we hung my new purchases in the front of my wardrobe,’ later that evening.
‘Yes and I haven’t had to spend much of the money I earned from the McJob,’ I replied.
‘The task isn’t finished yet, you’re still going to need to buy yourself some cosmetics as well. By the way, what have you done with Alex’s clothes?’
‘They are hanging in the back of the wardrobe.’
‘Why not put them in that cardboard box and store them under the stairs for now. I think it will be best if we forget all about Alex until after the first voyage is over.’
‘Alright then.’
My aunt drew up a packing list detailing everything that Carol and I were likely to need on a two week voyage. There were a few things we could share, such as a hair dryer and curling tongs, but there were other items (hair brushes, hair accessories, a manicure set) where I would need my own. My aunt was quite generous in giving or loaning me most of these items and some of her costume jewellery which she no longer wore. In addition to the shoes and hair pieces, Beth gave me the nightdress, slippers and housecoat set that had been given to her but she’d never worn. I offered Aunt Emma the remaining £160.00 in my current account to cover my keep, but she told me to keep half of it, saying that £40.00 a week would be quite enough and that she wouldn’t be expecting me to pay her anything whilst we were away cruising. She suggested that I should go out and buy myself some cosmetics with the rest of the money.
On the Monday I received a letter from McManagement instructing me to attend a disciplinary interview on the coming Friday, for failing to turn up to one of my duties the previous week. It seemed as if they were suspending me for the week and would give me a formal warning but afterwards let me continue working. I toyed with the idea of attending the interview, dressed as Ally and telling them what they could do with their job, but thought better of it. Instead Alex wrote back saying that he could not promise to agree to last minute shift changes and was therefore tendering his resignation. (They did eventually pay me for all the hours that he’d worked, although only after deducting an administrative charge for processing his resignation.) I also had a reply to my email from my parents congratulating me on the new job and hoping that I would use the time to think carefully about my future. Mum had previously mentioned that some of her friends used Skype when they were contacting their children overseas and asked whether we could do the same. I’d replied by saying that my laptop was fairly ancient and didn’t have a built in camera. She reminded me of the birthday money that I was holding in my deposit account, hinting that I might get myself a new one.
James, of the Young Bucks (as they now called themselves) got in touch with Beth the day after our interview and suggested that we should meet up for a discussion and at least one rehearsal before we left. This at least demonstrated that they’d come to terms with the news about me and were just as keen as we were that the trial voyage would be a success. We were going to need to have quite a number of new songs rehearsed if we were going to be able to perform for at least two hours each day for twelve days. Beth arranged for the two groups to meet up on the Tuesday morning. By this time I'd really settled in to my new persona. It was great having a choice of clothes to wear and not having to worry about changing back into Alex. For the first time I felt I could relax and gain a degree of self-confidence as Ally.
When we met the guys it was clear that they’d already come up with several useful suggestions of their own and Beth and Carol agreed to work out some stage routines for the Bunnies to perform. At one point Beth and Carol were discussing something with James and Tom and I was left alone with George. It was the first opportunity that I’d had to speak with him since he’d learned the truth about me on Saturday afternoon.
‘George, I really liked your arrangement of 'Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!',’ I said to him, trying to break the ice that had formed between us.
‘I’m glad,' he responded coolly.
‘I think it’ll work well for us.’
‘Yes, it should do so.’
This conversation was getting to be hard work.
‘George, I hope you weren’t too disappointed to discover about me or feel that I tried to trick you in some way.’
‘I think you tricked all of us, quite successfully, but at least I didn’t make a fool of myself by asking you out,’ he replied.
My cheeks coloured and I looked away for a moment. His answer made me feel like I was some kind of pervert seeking to prey on innocent young men. I may have been pleased to receive compliments from George but I‘d never deliberately flirted with him or encouraged his admiration. However I decided to let it pass.
‘It’s just that you’re a good instrumental arranger and I feel that we could collaborate well together, if we could only work together.’
He hesitated for a minute unsure how to respond.
‘I suppose so; as long as nobody is under the impression that we are boyfriend and girlfriend.’
I smiled.
‘No, we’ll just be friends; or even colleagues, if you prefer. I don’t think either of us is ready for anything other than that.’
He seemed to relax a bit.
‘Alright, Ally, I can agree to that. Perhaps we could meet up and go through all the numbers that we have discussed and work out a plan.’
‘I’d love to do so; why not come to my Aunt’s house tomorrow morning? Carol will be there as chaperone just to make sure that nothing untoward happens,’ I suggested, with a smile.
He blushed, but nevertheless agreed to come and we had a useful morning working together.
After that the last two days before we were due to embark disappeared in a flash. Everybody was increasingly excited about the prospect that awaited us and hopeful that we would be able to prove ourselves. My acceptance that I was going to be spending the remaining days before our departure as Ally made life somewhat simpler than it previously had been. Carol and Beth now treated me exactly as they would have done to any other singer in their group.
The Fair Maid of Southampton, was a huge new luxury cruise liner that looked like some kind of floating city, and which contained every conceivable means of wringing a little more money from its passengers’ bank accounts. It was scheduled to operate between Southampton and Venice via Barcelona. On Saturday 17th May 2014 Aunt Emma drove Carol and me to the entrance to Southampton Docks where we met up with Beth and her parents at 11.00am. The guys were making their own arrangements to get a lift and transport their instruments. I’d wondered whether I needed to warn my aunt to be careful about what she said about me in front of Beth’s parents, but by this time she too had accepted me as her neice and there had been no reference to Alex in nearly a week.
Security at the dockyard was quite tight and our companions would not be permitted to see us on board to our respective cabins. We therefore said our farewells at the dock gates.
‘Take care, both of you, and look after one another,’ said Aunt Emma. ‘I’ll see you on Thursday week.’
Then turning to me, she quietly said, ‘I just hope that I’m doing the right thing in saying nothing to your parents, Ally.’
‘I’m eighteen now, and they know and have accepted that I’m going to be working on a cruise ship.’
‘So I understand. I just hope that they don’t discover what is really happening by some other route.’
We then presented ourselves at the dock gates and gave a final wave to those who had brought us. The officials checked a printed list of names and we were allowed through. There was an awning covering the entrance to the gangplank where our new photo ids were waiting for us. I now had official identity showing my new name and gender which would enable me to go ashore without a passport.
‘It’s going to be quite an adventure, eh girls?’ said Beth once we’d made our way to our cabins.
‘Especially for me!’ I thought to myself, but didn’t say so out loud.
The staff quarters on board were fairly modest compared with those for the passengers, with foldaway bunks instead of beds. However they were adequate and everything was brand new. I would be sharing with Carol, which was perhaps just as well as she would be able to keep an eye on what I wore and ensure that no fashion crimes were committed. As members of the entertainment staff, we also had access to a respectably sized dressing room. Beth initially had a cabin to herself but was told that she’d later be sharing with a Spanish girl who was going to work in the hairdressing and beauty salon on board and who would be joining the ship in Barcelona. Once on board we were all issued with our 'official' company uniforms, a navy blue skirt and jacket set and light blue blouse for the Bunnies and dark blue suit and white shirt and tie for the Bucks, although we wouldn't be expected to wear these when we were performing.
During our first few days at sea I worked hard to develop Ally’s appearance, mannerisms and general presentation as I had now to live and operate in an environment where most of those that I came across had no idea that I was a guy. I was fairly confident that my voice wouldn't give me away as I'd had plenty of practice over the years but there were so many other aspects to living as a girl. I didn’t want there to be any rumours spreading round the crew about me, as that would be the end of our future employment prospects. I’m sure the Bucks realised this as well. After a couple of days of slight awkwardness, the musicians seemed to forget about the past and began to treat me as one of the girls and we all adopted Frank’s advice about there being no reference to Alex anywhere on board. As far as Carol and Beth were concerned, I’d saved the day for them and they went out of their way to help me get used to my new role. Alex’s name and my past life were never mentioned in the cabin that I shared with Carol nor in the Bunnies’ dressing room. The only snag was that I found it difficult to sleep whilst wearing Beth’s clip in hair extensions and so I felt a little vulnerable until I’d had a chance to replace them first thing each morning. My own hair was longish for a guy but not quite long enough for a girl. In other respects, though, it had become second nature to me to wear Ally’s clothes, to put on my own makeup and to adopt her voice.
At the same time we all sought to enlarge and perfect our act and make sure that the passengers would be able to come back and see our show on more than occasion without feeling that they’d seen it all before. Our afternoon performances seemed to go down well with younger audiences, sometimes including a number of children, but we had a more sophisticated audience in the evenings, so we began to adapt our programmes accordingly. The appreciation shown to us made the time and trouble that I was now taking to live as Ally, full-time, seem to be worthwhile.
George and I worked on the new songs and arrangements, whilst James and Tom worked on the instrumental solos. Beth and Carol worked out new dance routines so our performances were much livelier and professional than before. Occasionally their dance routines involved us in flirting on stage with the musicians. James and Tom had girlfriends at home but didn’t seem to mind. In fact I think they derived a certain amount of kudos from being associated with three fairly glamorous young ladies. George looked a little embarrassed especially, if I were required to drape my arms round him or blow him a kiss as part of a number. I think Carol realised that there was still a trace of awkwardness between us and thereafter she arranged it that he and I didn’t need to come into bodily contact. In all other respects, though, we worked well together. We began to meld as a single group rather than just three girl singers accompanied by three guys playing instruments. We were all so busy that at first we didn’t pay too much attention to the progress of the cruise across the Bay of Biscay and into the Mediterranean. The ship initially called at Gibraltar for a few hours and then docked for a full-day at Barcelona on the fifth day. Some of the passengers left to fly home at this point and others began their cruise. This would be followed by shorter visits to Marseilles in France, then returning via Palma in Majorca, Cadiz in Spain and back to Southampton.
Beth, Carol and I received a number of invitations to drinks by some of the male passengers but accepting such invitations or fraternising with the customers was frowned upon by management. We were all aware of our precarious employment situation and didn’t want to break any rules. We therefore graciously declined and in most cases the guys got the message. Beth and Carol became friendly with a couple of the assistant engineers on board named, Richard and John, although nothing too serious. I suppose it would have been possible for me to join them and perhaps chat to some of the other male staff of my own age, but I was still anxious about being read and the last thing I wanted to do was to give anyone the wrong idea or let them think that I might be interested in an on-board romance. I therefore remained slightly aloof from close personal relationships and took to wearing a fake ‘engagement ring’ to discourage any interest. However, in other respects those around me seemed to accept Ally without any question.
Thanks to Angharad and to Bronwen for proofreading, and to everybody who has left a comment or awarded a kudo. Louise
![]() |
Sometimes it is more important to listen to your inner voice than those around you.
Honey Bunny Copyright © 2015 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
As soon as the passengers had disembarked at Barcelona, members of the entertainments staff were permitted to go ashore for the remainder of the day, and could, if they wished, arrange to help with one of the scheduled excursions by acting as sheep dogs to round up the passengers and make sure that no-one got lost. The guys had signed up as helpers for the ‘Football Stadium Tour’ to see the FC Barcelona ground and the Football Museum there. This was something that had zero interest for any of the Bunnies and so Beth asked Julia, one of the excursions staff who knew the city, for her suggestions as to how we might spend a few hours ashore.
‘If this is your first visit to Barcelona you should be sure to go to ‘La Sagrada Familia’, and maybe also do some shopping in ‘La Rambla as well.’
‘Great, but how do we get there?’
She gave us a local tourist map which they did not hand out to their paying customers as they didn’t want to encourage them to go ashore on their own or to use public transport but rather charge them extortionate sums for the coach excursions.
‘The Blue Bus will take you from the Cruise Terminal to the Columbus Monument near to the Drassanes Station on the Green Metro line. You should travel as far as Diagonal station and change to the Blue line to Sagrada Familia. You cannot mistake the building when you get there. Once you have finished your visit return to Diagonal and take the Green Line to Plaça de Catalunya station. From there you can walk down La Rambla back to Drassanes.’
Carol and I were waiting for Beth to emerge from her cabin before we went ashore when an attractive and very elegant looking young woman with brown eyes and black hair approached us. She was pulling a large suitcase and carrying various documents and an electronic key.
‘Hello, I am Maria, is Bethany one of you?’ she asked in slightly broken English.
‘This is Beth’s cabin, she’ll be out in a moment,’ said Carol.
‘I have arrived, I think Bethany and I share a cabin.’
Beth emerged at this point and so we introduced her to her new cabin mate, and she spent the next five minutes helping the newcomer to move in her luggage and sort out bunks and cupboard space.
‘My friends and I have to leave you now to go ashore, but maybe we can talk later?’ said Beth.
She spoke slowly and clearly in the slightly patronising way that the English sometimes adopt when talking to foreigners.
‘Yes, that is good; I will have to find where I will be working.’
We left her to unpack her clothes and settle in whilst we made our way ashore.
La Sagrada Familia turned out to be a truly stunning, modernist, cathedral-like building designed by Antoni Gaudi which was still under construction after more than 130 years. None of us knew anything about Gaudi, or his architecture, but it was well worth our two-hour visit, all the same. Afterwards we had a cool drink in a café in the Plaça de Gaudí.
‘Look, Mum, it’s the ‘Honey Bunnies’ from the cruise,’ exclaimed an excited young voice from an adjoining table.
A family with two girls, one aged eleven or twelve and the other thirteen or fourteen were sitting at a nearby table.
‘Can we go and ask for their autographs?’ the elder sister asked.
‘No, I expect the girls are having a day off from work today,’ replied their mother.
We couldn’t help but overhear the conversation, and both Carol and Beth were clearly flattered to receive this limited recognition from two young fans.
‘That’s alright, we’re always happy to sign autographs,’ Carol said to the mother with a gracious smile, as if it were happening to us all the time.
Alison, the elder girl and her sister Kate, came over with their autograph books whilst their parents inspected a city map and a book on Gaudi. Carol, who had clearly been preparing for the day when we’d become famous - albeit in a limited way, drew a bunny rabbit head on a new page of each book with ‘The Honey Bunnies inside.’ The three of us signed our names around the edge of the page. Of course, I signed as ‘Ally Fletcher.’
‘I’m Ally as well,’ said Alison to me. ‘I never used to like the name but now I think it is quite cool.’
‘I think it’s a cool name too,’ I replied with a smile, but still feeling just a little self-conscious.
‘We really enjoyed your show, you’re such good singers and dancers,’ said Kate.
‘That’s nice of you to say so,’ said Beth.
‘Where are you going next?’ asked Alison.
‘A little light shopping in La Rambla, and then back to the ship,’ said Carol.
‘Dad, can we go shopping in La Rambla too?’
‘Sorry girls, this is my first visit to Barcelona and I’m determined to see La Pedrera and Parc Güell before we leave.’
Alison rolled her eyes and whispered that she was fed up with stupid architecture, and Kate just looked grumpy.
‘Your daughters would be welcome to come along with us if you’re happy with that arrangement,’ Carol said to the mother.
The husband and wife exchanged glances about whether they were willing to entrust their daughters to three young women whom they did not know, other than that they’d seen them perform.
‘Oh please can we go with the Bunnies, Mum?’
‘Well alright, but you are to stay with the girls and do exactly what they tell you. You both have a mobile phone, so I’ll want to receive a text message from one of you every fifteen minutes, or else I’ll come back and find you,’ said the mother.’
The three Bunnies and our two young fans, spent a leisurely afternoon looking at the various tourist shops and stalls in the series of avenues between Plaça de Catalunya and Drassanes, which are known as La Rambla. The girls were well-behaved and obeyed the instructions to keep their parents informed of their whereabouts on a regular basis. They also kept close to ourselves as we’d all been warned about the numbers of pickpockets in the area. We chatted to one another and looked at the jewellery stalls. I bought myself a rather stylish pair of Ralph Lauren sunglasses which were probably fakes but looked good and were not expensive.
Midway through the afternoon we stopped at a café and we treated the girls to an ice cream, whilst they each sent a text.
‘So what do you two think of the cruise?’ Carol asked.
‘It’s alright, I suppose, if you like crumbly cities and boring old buildings,’ said Alison from which we inferred that she was a fan of neither.
‘But what about the ship?’ asked Beth. ‘It’s all brand new?’
‘I suppose it is quite comfortable and the food isn’t bad, but there’s not much for us to do on board.’
'They have a kid's club, don't they?' commented Carol.
'But that's for little kids, not us,' said Alison.
‘The only really awesome part of the whole holiday has been your shows,’ added Kate.
We’d arranged to meet the girls’ parents at 4.30 at the end of La Rambla as we had to return to the ship and get ready for our evening show. We'd had a text message saying that they were on their way and were waiting for them to arrive when Kate pointed to a stall.
‘Look everyone, Honey Bunny earrings,’ she said and pointed to three inexpensive but cute little rabbit designs.
‘Shall we get one pair each to go with our Bunny pendants?’ suggested Beth.
‘That would be fine by me,’ I said, and Carol agreed.
We each chose a different bunny design and were on the point of paying for them when the girls’ parents arrived.
‘Please, let us pay for them to thank you for looking after our daughters for the afternoon,’ said their father.
‘It was no trouble; we were pleased to have them with us,’ replied Beth.
‘No, I insist,’ said their father, handing over twenty-four Euros to the stallholder. ‘We’ve had a great time today, looking at architecture.’
We thanked them for our gifts, and informed the girls that they would in future become a part of the ‘Honey Bunnies’ official uniform.
‘If you two want to come up to the stage next time, we’ll get the ‘Young Bucks’ to sign your autograph books as well,’ said Beth as we were leaving.
‘Those two girls have given me an idea,’ said Carol once they’d left us.
‘What’s that?’ I asked.
‘Ally, if you were willing to play the keyboards, Beth and I could run some simple dance classes for the 10-15 year age group during the mornings when we’re at sea.’
‘I could do so, but don’t you think we should ask George as he is a better keyboard player than me?’ I replied.
‘No I’d want this to be a ‘Bunnies’ only venture and the guys get plenty of extra work as it is. We could call the sessions ‘The Bunny Hops’. Parents would be more likely to entrust their children to us if it were being run by three girls.’
‘I’d be happy to do so, especially if we get paid overtime for it,’ said Beth.
‘I’ll put the idea to Frank as soon as I get an opportunity.’
Frank proved to be fairly receptive to Carol’s suggestion and two days later we announced our first ever ‘Bunny Hop’ for adolescents and young teens, in the small music room. About twenty five young people turned up, predominantly girls but also a few venturesome boys. Carol and Beth had organised some simple dance routines based on our stage act, and we occasionally had some of the kids singing backing vocals. We even persuaded one or two brave souls to try singing the lead whilst we provided the backing. Everyone seemed to have fun. Two days later we had thirty three turn up for the one hour session, and by the third time we had more than forty and had to move to the larger music room. By this time the Bunnies had become minor celebrities on the cruise, and were often called upon to sign autographs. I’m sure that if we’d only had an album recorded we could have sold a few copies. Alison and Kate came to each dance session and also to a fair number of our afternoon and evening sessions. Frank wouldn’t be drawn as to whether there was a future for the idea, but he looked quite impressed when he stuck his head round the door at one point. He also agreed that we would be paid at the same overtime rate as the guys.
Gradually, as the days went by, the Bunnies and the Bucks grew in self-assurance as a group as we introduced more numbers into our repertoire and we got more used to performing with one another. We were also able to allow one another a certain degree of improvisation to showcase our individual talents. I began to feel increasingly confident at other times, particularly when dealing with people who had no idea about my secret. I was less shy if approached by the kids and more confident in handling those passengers who fancied their chances. George was also a little more willing to be seen in public chatting to me, and this could be useful as the other male staff assumed there might be something going on between us, and didn’t seek to chat me up. Above all, I no longer felt that deep-seated dread that someone would one-day come up to me and unmask me in front of an audience.
One morning, soon after we left Marseille, I found myself looking for somewhere to sit and eat my breakfast. Beth and Carol were busy flirting with their new friends and the three guys appeared to be occupied with discussing the merits or otherwise of different makes of car. I noticed that Maria, Beth’s new cabin mate, was sitting alone at a table, reading a text book of some kind, and guessed that, as a latecomer on the ship, she’d not had much chance to make any friends.
‘May I join you, Maria?’ I asked. ‘If you remember we met when you came on board in Barcelona.’
‘Yes, I remember, it is Ally, you are Beth’s friend, please do sit down,’ she replied with a smile, shutting her book.
‘What are you studying?’ I asked.
‘English, of course,’ she said with a grimace. ‘I take this job for the summer to improve my English-speaking skills. I have to pass exam in September or I cannot continue with my university studies.’
‘But your English sounds alright to me.’
‘I can understand most English books and when people talk slowly but my spelling and vocabulary are – how you say it? – crap!’
I laughed.
‘I’m sure they’re not crap.’
‘But English is such a difficult language for learning – so many different words mean same thing, so many different sounds, and your crazy spelling - ¡Qué difícil!’
She broke off her sentence in order to roll her eyes in disbelief.
‘It is all so …. contrario a la intuición,’ she continued.
‘I think you mean counter-intuitive,’ I replied.
‘Yes, that is it, counter-intuitive. Spanish is much easy language to learn.’
‘Creo que tiene razón,’ I replied with a smile.
‘¿Hablas español?’ she asked in some surprise.
‘Sí; un poco.’
‘Eso es maravilloso! ¿Puede explicar esta frase para mí?’ she said eagerly opening her book once again and pointing to the page that she’d been studying. ‘He leído cinco veces y no sé lo que significa,’
‘Slow down Maria! I will try to explain the sentence to you, but only if you can ask me in English,’ I said adopting the role of her language teacher.
‘Please, Ally, what does this sentence mean? I read it so many times my head spins.’
As soon as she’d discovered that I spoke a little Spanish, Maria became my best friend for life. There were other Spanish speakers on the staff but they were all guys who tended to be after one thing only. Like me, she wanted to avoid any on-board flirting with the stewards or the crew as she had to concentrate on her preparations for an important exam. We therefore continued to take our meals together and often had extended conversations, with me correcting her grammar, or her use of English idioms. The only trouble was that I quickly found myself having to invent a whole back story for Alexandra including events from when she was a little girl. I therefore tended to steer our conversations towards Maria's language learning difficulties and even found myself going through her various exercises with her in her cabin when we were both free from our duties. For this help she professed herself to be eternally grateful.
Encouraged by her gratitude, I began to do a little bit of investigation when I had a chance to access the internet as we called at Cadiz and I could go ashore for a few hours. I wanted to discover why she kept making the same kinds of mistakes. Why, for example, she would often miss the subject pronoun, why she sometimes got confused between him and her, which could be a little disconcerting on those occasions she referred to me or one of the other Bunnies as ‘him’. She also sometimes added the adjective as an afterthought, such as the time she told me that I was wearing ‘a dress pretty.’ I quickly found that there were good reasons why she made these mistakes, and that there were plenty of free teaching materials available which would address the problem. I therefore downloaded some exercises specifically for her, and in process discovered that I was enjoying myself as a teacher of English as a foreign language. However, on the last full-day before the end of the voyage, I discovered that her gratitude could create unforeseen problems for me and we had a slightly awkward conversation with one another.
‘Ally, you have been so good to me and we like each other. Would you share a cabin with me on the next voyage? I could help you to make better your hair and makeup and you could correct my English.’
I was surprised by the suggestion and a tiny bit deflated because I’d assumed that I’d been doing quite well with my hair and makeup on the voyage up to that point, although I was clearly not up to Maria’s standards. However, this was not the point, whilst I liked Maria and enjoyed helping her, I couldn’t consider sharing a cabin with someone who was unaware of my true sex and Frank had specifically forbidden us from telling anyone.
‘I don’t know Maria; my cousin Carol might be upset if I wanted to change cabins, and, in any event, we still haven’t heard whether our booking is going to be extended beyond this one voyage.’
‘That is alright, I am sorry that I asked you, I thought your cousin would like to share with Bethany,’ she said with obvious disappointment.
‘You don’t need to be sorry about it; I would be happy to share cabins with you but at present it is a little awkward for me.’
Yes, I understand,’ she replied but seemed a little subdued after this.
I discussed my problem with Maria to Beth and Carol as were getting ourselves ready for our final show later that night.
‘I wouldn’t mind if you wanted to switch cabins,’ said Carol.
(I suspected that it would be easier for her to bring her new boyfriend back to her cabin if she was sharing with Beth than it would have been sharing with her cousin.)
‘I wouldn't mind either,’ said Beth. ‘Maria is nice enough to share a cabin with, but I do find her studying for so much of the time to be rather dull.’
‘How can I share cabins without her knowing about Alex?’
‘I suppose you’re right,’ said Carol. ‘We’ve all tended to forget about Alex over the last couple of weeks.’
‘Which is exactly what we were told to do,’ added Beth.
‘And we still don’t know whether we are going to be employed on the next sailing,’ I said.
‘Frank has asked to speak to us all after the show tonight, so make sure you do your best,’ said Beth.
Thanks to Angharad and to Bronwen for proofreading, and to everybody who has left a comment or awarded a kudo. Louise
![]() |
Sometimes it is more important to listen to your inner voice than those around you.
Copyright © 2015 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Our final show of the cruise seemed to go down well with the audience who showed their appreciation. Frank was among them and we were all quite hopeful when he came over to speak to us afterwards.
‘Things appear to have gone pretty well on the voyage, guys and gals, and I’ve been happy with the standard of your performances and the fact that you have continued to expand and adapt your repertoire to meet the needs of our clientele. I have a couple of conditions to make but if you agree to them we can think about offering you a contract to cover the next five voyages under the same terms as before’
‘What sort of conditions?’ asked James.
‘From next Saturday the cruises will be of nineteen days duration travelling from Southampton to Venice and return. However, most passengers will only be travelling one way, either starting from Southampton or else flying to Venice and coming back on the ship. In addition we’ll be taking on and dropping off passengers at Barcelona on the outward and return trips for those paying for shorter cruises. Only a few of the passengers will stay for the full nineteen days. As before, you’ll be expected to provide performances in the small music room on twelve evenings and eight afternoons during each voyage, but I’d also like you to contribute to a weekly show that I’ll be organising in the theatre on the nights we leave the main ports. The idea is to showcase the various entertainments on the ship.’
‘No problem,’ we all agreed.
‘You may go ashore for the day when we dock at Barcelona (both ways) and also at Venice, and you will have one full day and two half days ashore at Southampton whilst the ship is re-stocked. There may also be opportunities for a few hours off at the other ports if you are not required for other duties.’
We nodded our assent.
‘Guys, I shall be wanting you to provide backing for a couple of the foreign language singers, but you will receive overtime for any additional hours worked beyond the forty.’
They nodded their acceptance. Frank then turned to me.
‘There is also the matter of your continuing to live and be treated as Alexandra, whilst you’re on-board the ship.’
‘I guessed as much,’ I replied.
‘As far as I’m aware, there have been no problems so far in this respect.’
‘Things have gone well; in fact I’ve really enjoyed myself.’
‘Yes, I’d got that impression. So I take it you’re willing accept that condition, Ally?’
‘I won’t mind a few more maiden voyages if it means that we can all continue working together.’
He smiled.
‘Good! I assumed that you wouldn’t object, and so, as promised, you’ll find that the advance that I made to you before the voyage has now been put down to expenses.’
‘Thank you.’
He now turned to the musicians.
‘Guys, I note that you three look a lot smarter now than when I first saw you. I’m assuming that you will continue to do so. I’m looking for a boy band rather than a heavy metal group. The smarter you look the more likely I am to provide extra work for you. Is that agreed?’
The three seemed to be reasonably happy with that condition and murmured their thanks.
‘You will receive your pay in your bank accounts tomorrow morning and I’ll see you again on Saturday evening.’
‘Now, if you don’t mind leaving us, I’ve got a couple of matters to discuss with the girls.’
We waited for a while whilst the guys packed their instruments and left.
‘Alright ladies, I think you three have the makings of a great singing group so I want you to work on the dance side of your performance in the theatre and also enhance the glamour a bit.
‘The dance should be no problem as we have been feeling a little cramped on the small stage, but what exactly do you mean by ‘enhance the glamour?’ asked Beth’
‘You know the sort of thing, short skirts, high heels, posh hair and makeup. Maybe you could also show a little more cleavage, but without turning it into a topless show.’
‘We only formed the group with its present line up a couple of weeks ago and only have two stage costumes available,’ said Beth
‘I realise that what I’m asking will inevitably cost some money so I’m willing to pay for the cost of two more outfits for each of you from my entertainments budget. I’ll also arrange for someone from the salon to come and help with your hair and makeup for an hour before each evening show.’
‘Showing a little more cleavage may be difficult for Ally,’ suggested Carol.
‘Not necessarily, we can order some silicone breast forms for her.’
‘What do you think, Ally?’
‘I’d be willing to give them a try as long as I’m not expected to pay for them,’ I replied.
‘So when will we need to perform in the theatre?’ asked Beth
‘We won’t have enough time to organise anything for when we leave Southampton on the next voyage but I’m aiming to begin the night we leave Barcelona. We’ll then repeat the show after we leave Venice, then Barcelona on the return run and Southampton on the next voyage.'
‘What about our other shows in the small music room?’
‘They’ll continue as before. I’ve absolutely no issue with your afternoon shows, but I’m wondering whether we can also boost the glamour for your evening shows a little.’
‘In that case we’re certainly going to need some help getting ready. I’ve been sharing a cabin with a girl called Maria who works in the salon; she could help us with our hair styles and makeup,’ Beth said.
‘I’ll speak to her boss.’
What about the Bunny Hops?’ asked Carol.
‘You’re welcome to continue running the classes on the next voyage and I’ll pay you overtime for the hours that you work. If they continue to be a success I’ll look at making them a permanent feature of the entertainments programme.’
Beth now turned to look at Carol and myself, as if to ask what we should do. We both nodded our assent.
‘Alright, Frank, it’s a deal,’ she replied.
He smiled.
‘I'm glad to continue to work with you. Please come and see me in the morning and we’ll try and get you a couple more outfits from a costume supplier, and Ally a new pair of boobs to be delivered in time for the next voyage.
Frank was about to leave, but Beth saw her opportunity.
‘As Maria will be doing Ally’s hair and her makeup would there be any problem with her knowing the full story about her background?’
Frank turned towards me.
‘Can she be trusted to keep your secret?’ he asked.
‘Yes, I believe so, I’m her best friend on the ship,’ I replied.
‘Alright I’ll leave it to Ally to decide who can be told. However, I don’t want the story to become common knowledge among the crew. Above all, I don’t want it to be known by the passengers or to be reported in the newspapers. Is that clear?’
‘Yes, I’m sure we all understand that. I would rather be treated as just an ordinary girl rather than as a female impersonator,’ I replied.
‘Good. That goes for me as well.
Once Frank left we spent a few minutes congratulating one another. This was going to be a boost to the show business careers of the Bucks and the Bunnies. We were used to performing on small stages in front of drinkers and a few dancers. We were now being asked to develop routines for a full-sized stage, wearing glamorous outfits. After ten minutes or so the guys returned bringing a couple of bottles of champagne and suggesting that we should all meet up again in half an hour for a celebration in the staff canteen.
‘I’ll catch up with you two later, I want to go and talk to Maria first,’ I said to Carol and Beth.
‘So are you going to tell her now?’ asked Carol.
‘Yes, and we’ll see how she reacts.’
‘She’s in my cabin busy at her studies,’ Beth replied.
Five minutes later I knocked on the door.
‘Hi Maria, may I come in?
'Of course.'
'We’ve just been told that we will continue on board for the next five voyages,’ I said smiling. ‘I’ll be able to continue to help you with your English.’
‘That is good news,’ she replied but she still seemed a little subdued.
‘Maria, if you still wish to do so, I should be happy to share a cabin with you for the next voyage and indeed for the later voyages as well, but first there is something you have to know about me.’
As I spoke I could see the excitement begin to glow in her eyes.
‘What is that?’ she asked eagerly.
‘Before I tell you my secret, you must promise me not to tell anyone else on the ship or even at home.’
‘Yes, of course, I promise, now tell me what it is.'
‘Maria, I’m not sure how I’m going to explain this.’
‘¿Estás transexuales?’ she asked in a matter-of-fact way.
This response stunned me as I’d no idea that she had any suspicions about my sex.
‘No, Maria, I’m not a transsexual, but I am a man who is working as a female impersonator - imitador de mujeres,’ I replied.
‘But why do you dress as a girl all the time?’ she asked.
‘The managers do not want the staff, crew or passengers to know, but I’ve been given permission to tell you so that we can share a cabin.’
'Do you take hormonas femeninas?’
‘No, nothing like that,’ I replied quickly. ‘I have a naturally high pitched voice and so Beth and Carol asked me to join them in their singing group when a third member left. I only intended to do it for one performance, but we were offered the opportunity for us to work on the ship but only on condition that I continued living as Ally.’
‘I have a friend from school who uses hormonas femeninas for a year ago, but you look more like a woman than she does.’
I tried not to think about the implications of what she was saying. However, Maria did not appear to be fazed or affronted by the news.
‘How did you know that I was not a woman?’ I asked.
‘You look and sound like a woman but there are one or two small things to give you away, but nothing which cannot be made better. Remember that I work as a hairdresser and beautician so I notice these things. Your hair does not look natural and so when you did not want to share a cabin with me I began to wonder about you.’
‘But would you object to sharing a cabin with a female impersonator?’
‘Of course not, I would be happy to share with you. I make you better.'
If you do, I'll have you speaking English like a native,’ I replied with a smile.
‘And I will have you looking like una mujer hermosa and not just un imitador de mujeres.’
I was quite pleased with the idea of looking like a beautiful woman and not just a female impersonator.
‘I think that you may be asked to help us get ready for our shows, as a part of your duties.’ I said.
‘In that case I will make sure that you are always the most beautiful of the Honey Bunnies,’ she replied with a smile.
‘Please don’t do that or my cousin and my friends will want to get rid of me,’
‘I do not think so,’ she replied.
‘My colleagues are holding a small celebration in the staff canteen. Would you like to join us?’
‘Yes, I think I have studied enough for today.’
‘They all know my secret but please be careful what you say about me to anyone else on board.’
‘Of course: from now you are my girlfriend, Ally, just as before.’
By the time Maria and I arrived in the otherwise deserted canteen, the others had already had one celebratory drink and were about to begin a second one. The guys had by this time been informed about Frank’s plans to make our act more glamorous.
‘Ah, it is Ally and Maria,’ said James. ‘Quickly, someone, pour them both a drink. I should like to propose a toast to Alexandra, who once again, has saved the day for us.’
I blushed and tried to sit down but before I could do so, Carol and Beth were also on their feet, followed by Tom and then, finally, George.
‘To Ally,’ they all said.
The guys, Carol and Beth polished off a couple more bottles of wine before the end of the evening, but Maria and I only sipped our drinks. Everyone present now knew the full story of Ally and Alex, but I was still conscious of the need never to let down my guard.
The following morning the three Bunnies spent some time selecting our new outfits from the online catalogue of a theatrical costumier, taking into account Frank’s wishes for short skirts and high heels. At Frank’s suggestion we each ordered a black satin, ‘bunny girl’ type outfit with matching ears and long black gloves. It was the sort of outfit that might be worn to a Halloween party, but would look alright on stage. The second costume, this time chosen by ourselves was a sexy, sparkly, sleeveless, and body hugging short dress in bright pink, which might be good for clubbing. This dress came with high stiletto heeled shoes with a glittery platform matching the dress and peep toes. The two pairs of shoes were going to take a little getting used to but I’d coped alright with high heels before. I also selected a pair of stick on silicone breasts so that in future I would no longer have to pad my bras with tissue paper as I got dressed each morning. We gave our measurements and shoe sizes to Frank who was fairly confident that we would have at least one new outfit by the time the ship next sailed.
As we were doing all this The Fair Maid of Southampton, sailed past the Fawley Oil Refinery into Southampton Water and docked at the Ocean Cruise Terminal. We then had to help with the passenger disembarkation procedures and had the opportunity to see Alison and Kate and say goodbye to them and their parents. They were thrilled that we’d made the effort to see them before they left.
‘It has been such a good holiday, thank you all very much,’ said Alison.
‘Yes, it has been awesome,’ added Kate.
‘What part did you like best?’ Carol asked her. ‘Shopping in Barcelona or the Barbary Macaques in Gibraltar?’
‘No, the Bunny Hops, of course,’ she replied as if it were a stupid question.
Her mother gave a wry smile.
‘Thank you for making our daughter’s holiday so special. We’ve awarded the Honey Bunnies the maximum possible marks on the feedback sheets about the holiday. But there was no mention of the Bunny Hops on the form so I left a flattering comment at the end specifically saying that it was a good idea.’
‘The Bunny Hops were something of an afterthought – inspired by our meeting Alison and Kate, but thanks for the positive feedback,’ Beth replied.
Once the passengers had finished disembarking Beth and I carried out our switch of cabins so that in future I would be sharing with Maria. Apart from a brief trip in to Southampton to do some shopping, Maria was planning to remain on board for the next couple of days before the first full-length voyage so I downloaded a number of English exercises for her to learn whilst I was away and promised to go through them with her on my return. The rest of us were now anxious for a break although on this occasion we would be leaving most of our luggage behind and taking only enough for our two nights ashore.
‘Goodbye Maria, I’ll see you when we return on Saturday evening,’ I said as I was about to leave.
‘Can you come back to the ship any earlier on Saturday, Ally?’ she asked.
‘Why is that?’
‘I want to repay you for the help to me you have given. The salon will be closed to passengers on Saturday during embarkation and so it will be available for me to use. I could help you with your hair extensions.’
‘I’m not sure what my Aunt has planned for us over the next day or two. Can I phone you tomorrow night to tell you what time I will be back on Saturday?’
‘Yes, of course.
The six of us took a bus from the dockyard to Southampton Central and then a train into Portsmouth & Southsea station, where the guys made their way to their respective homes anxious to see their girlfriends or else to brag about their job to their other friends. However, there was an implicit agreement that nobody was going to mention my situation to those who didn’t already know, just in case it should get back to other members of the crew.
‘Remember, “What happens on the ship stays on the ship”,’ said Carol. ‘That applies to all our actions. Is that agreed?’
We all signified our agreement and the guys left us. The three Bunnies had to make our way to the bus stop for Waterlooville Precinct.
‘What are you two planning to do over the next two days?’ asked Beth.
‘One of my classmates in Havant has the day off tomorrow and is anxious to hear how we’ve been getting on. I’m looking forward to making her really jealous, as she is working in a shop’ said Carol with a smile. ‘Then on Saturday morning I’ll catch up with my emails and social media.’
‘How about you, Ally?’ Beth asked. ‘In fact, is it going to be Ally or Alex for the next couple of days,’ she asked me.
I’d been thinking about that during the journey back. I looked down at my polished acrylic nails which still looked good after three weeks, but would soon need infills. Did I really want to go to the trouble of removing my false nails and then putting them back again afterwards, just for the sake of one full day living as Alex?
‘I guess It’ll be easier for me stick to being Ally, although I won’t have many clothes to choose from as the bulk of my wardrobe is back at the ship.’
'Now why doesn't that surprise me?' said Carol with a smile.
Thanks to Angharad and to Bronwen for proofreading, and to everybody who has left a comment or awarded a kudo. Louise
![]() |
Sometimes it is more important to listen to your inner voice than those around you.
Copyright © 2015 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Neither Beth nor Carol seemed particularly surprised by my decision to remain as Ally for the next two days that we would be at Waterlooville.
‘I was looking in the window of Primark in the Cascades shopping centre as we passed. They’ve got some great summer dresses and tops in stock which are really good value. ‘Would you like to come with me and take a look at them tomorrow?’ asked Beth.
‘Yes alright,’ I replied. ‘It looks as if Carol will be out for the day and my aunt will be at work, but I will also need to email my Mum and Dad.’
‘Do that first thing and then I’ll call round for you about 11.00. We can take the bus in to Portsmouth.’
‘As you will be going to Primark tomorrow, would you buy me some underclothes whilst you’re there,’ asked Carol. ‘I’ll show you what I want on their website when we get home.’
‘Yes, of course,’ I replied
We eventually arrived back in Waterlooville about 3.00pm and Beth left us to go to her home. Carol and I made our way home to find that Aunt Emma had left us a note asking us to prepare the evening meal from the ingredients in the fridge. We both looked forward to staying in for the night and telling her our news from the voyage.
‘But remember what I said to the others,’ cautioned Carol.
‘Don’t worry, I won’t even mention Richard,’ I said with a smile.
There was however plenty that we could tell to my Aunt, all the same.
‘We’ve had a wonderful time, haven’t we Ally,’ said Carol. ‘We’ve performed lots of new songs and dance routines, have run dance classes for the young teens and it has now been confirmed that we have a great job for the whole summer.’
‘So it would seem,’ she replied. 'Are you still happy with the job, Ally?'
‘Oh yes and I hope you don’t mind if I stay as Ally until we go back; it will be more convenient for me,’ I said.
She looked a little anxious.
‘I have no objection, dear, but your mother might. She contacted me yesterday and asked me to tell you to be sure to be home at midday tomorrow as she wants to have a Skype session with you using my computer.’
‘Why does she want to do that? I’ve been keeping her informed by email at regular intervals,’ I replied with some irritation.
‘Because she’s your mother and cares about you, of course,’ replied Aunt Emma. ‘She wants to see you face to face and make sure that you haven’t been up to anything.’
‘Up to what sort of thing?’ I asked anxiously, worried lest Mum had some suspicions about what had been going on.’
‘Like dressing up as a girl and performing on stage?’ said Carol, giving me a wink.
I stuck my tongue out at her.
‘I don’t think she has any specific worries but just wants to make sure that you're alright after the cruise.’
‘In that case it will have to be Alex again in the morning. I’ll have to explain to Beth.’
‘You could always decide to tell your mother all about Ally,’ suggested my Aunt.
‘No, it had better be Alex; I don’t think I am ready to tell her about Ally … yet.’
‘Very well; but you won’t be able to put it off forever.’
'I know,' I replied with a sigh.
After dinner I sent a text to Beth telling her that I would not be able to come with her to Portsmouth the next day.
I was left alone in the house the following morning as I prepared to become Alex once again. My Aunt had gone to work and my cousin had just left to visit her classmate. It was three weeks since I’d dressed as a boy and I hadn’t realised how much Ally had become an innate part of my being during the intervening period. It felt awkward and disagreeable to retrieve some of Alex’s clothes from the box under the stairs and dress myself in them. Although I’d taken out my hair extensions as usual before going to bed, it now felt odd for me to have short hair during the day and I missed the pleasant feeling of the dangling earrings which I usually now wore when I wasn’t performing. It had also become second nature for me to put on some makeup after washing each morning, but now I felt myself to be exposed without it. I’d taken off my breast enhancers on a number of occasions but had always re-stuck them again soon afterwards so now it felt decidedly odd to be without them and no longer wearing a bra. What was worst of all, though, was my having to lose the lovely long acrylic nails that Beth had helped me to create and which I was now quite used to wearing. I dipped each finger in a bath of acetone for a couple of minutes and then pulled them off. It was a messy job leaving a fair amount of residue which had to be cleaned off. My original short nails underneath looked drier and uglier than usual. There was no way that I was ever going to be able to make them look as good as before.
I telephoned Maria on the ship.
‘Hi Maria, it is me.'
I couldn't bring myself to say Alex and in any event she had never met him.
‘Hi Ally, how are you?’
‘I’m not feeling happy at the moment; I have been forced to dress as a guy today so that I can speak to my mother over the internet.’
‘That is pity – you look good as a girl.’
‘It is nice of you to say so.’
‘I cannot imagine what you look like as a man.’
‘Maybe I could send you a selfie of Alex.’
‘No, don’t do that, I prefer to think of you as my friend Ally.’
‘Maria, remember that you offered to help with my hair extensions tomorrow afternoon. I wonder whether you might be willing to do some nail extensions for me instead?’
'If you can come back to the ship a little earlier perhaps I would have time to do both.’
‘What time do you mean by early?’ I asked.
‘I have nothing arranged for tomorrow. Come as soon as you are able and we will spend the rest of the day making you look beautiful once again, whilst I practice my English.’
‘Thanks Maria, I’ll text you to let you know when I’m going to be back.’
It took me little time to ‘find’ Alex’s voice again after making the call – I’d spent so much time as Ally recently that speaking in her voice had become second nature to me. I was therefore feeling a little crabby and uncomfortable when Beth arrived at the appointed time.
‘Hi Beth, didn’t you get my text message?’ I asked.
It somehow felt wrong to be addressing my friend, using Alex’s voice.
‘Yes I did, but you didn’t explain why you couldn’t come. I tried ringing you this morning but your phone was engaged so I thought I’d call in on my way to the bus stop to see if there was anything wrong.’
‘There’s nothing wrong but, as you can see, I’ve had to revert to Alex mode as my mother has taken it into her head to call me on Skype this lunchtime so I can’t come with you to Portsmouth.’
‘But you will be returning to the ship as Ally, tomorrow,’ asked Beth a little anxiously.
‘Yes, of course.’
‘That’s a relief; I was worried that you might be having second thoughts about the job.’
‘No, I’ve been having a great time as Ally.’
‘That’s what I thought, so I was surprised to receive your message.’
‘Sorry, I should have been clearer, but as you are here, would you be willing to get Carol’s shopping for her this morning?’
‘No problem, show me what she wants.'
As we looked at their website l noticed that there were some really cheap clothes that would suit me.
'Would you mind getting me one or two things as well if they have them in my size?’
She smiled.
‘Am I now talking to Ally or Alex.’
‘Sorry, I meant will you buy them for Ally..’
‘It gets a little complicated to think of you as two different people.’
‘If it were up to me, I would stick with Ally for the summer but I haven't yet found the courage to tell my parents about her.'
'Ok, I understand, show me what you want me to buy for Ally ' she said with a friendly smile.
I pointed out a dark red crop-top and a pair of pink jeans that seemed to be reasonably priced and she agreed to look out for them for me.
‘Would you mind getting me a push-up bra as well. I’ve been using Carol’s one and it is time that I replaced it.’
I walked with her as far as the Precinct and withdrew fifty pounds of my own money from a cash machine and gave it to her. She caught her bus and I returned to the house to await Mum’s call on my Aunt’s computer.
Mum was a little later than planned but her call eventually came through at about 12.30. I still felt a little awkward to be operating as my male self after nearly three weeks living as Ally.
‘Hi Mum!’ I said once the connection was made and her face appeared on the screen.
‘Hi Alex, you don’t look too happy, is everything all right?’
‘Yes, of course it is. I’ve been telling you exactly what I’ve been doing in my emails.’
‘I know; they have been unusually detailed. So you’ve been playing the keyboards on a cruise ship.’
‘That’s right; there are several musicians who accompany a group of girl singers including Carol and her friend.’
‘So I hear from your Aunt, but I understood that you had only been employed for the one voyage.’
‘We were, but we’ve just been told that we’re going to be kept on for the whole summer.
'Congratulations! But please take care and don’t do anything foolish, will you.’
‘Of course I won’t. I’m an adult now.’
‘By the way, what is the name of the liner that you work on?
‘The Fair Maid of Southampton: why do you want to know?’ I asked suspiciously
‘Your father and I were wondering whether we could come over to see you later in the summer.
‘But I’ll be away cruising the Mediterranean for most of the time.
‘Maybe we could get a booking on your liner in a few weeks so we could come and see you perform.’
‘I’m sure that won’t be necessary and it would make me nervous to have you both in the audience.’
‘But we’d like the opportunity to see you perform.’
I thought you didn’t approve of my musical ambitions.’
‘It’s a brand new liner, Mum, I expect it will be fully booked,’ I said.
‘There are normally some last minute cancellations, but at the moment Dad isn’t sure when he will be able to get away for a fortnight.’
She then changed the subject to what was really on her mind.
‘I understand from your Aunt that you’ve been looking at University prospectuses with a view to applying in October.’
‘Why did I have to mention that to my aunt?‘ I thought to myself.
‘I’m making no promises, but I am considering it,’ I replied. ‘This job will only be for the summer.’
‘Remember that the deadline for applications is in October.’
‘That’s only for Oxford and Cambridge. I’ve got until mid-January to decide for most Universities in the UK.’
‘Well I want you to know that Dad and I are right behind you and will support you.’
‘Thanks Mum, but you must understand that I need to decide for myself about my future.’
‘Yes, of course.’
Our conversation moved on to other things – principally about what they’d been doing in Bahrain, but also how I was getting on with my aunt and my cousin until eventually she noticed that we had been talking for nearly an hour.
‘I’ll have to go now Alex, but I’ve enjoyed this chat and maybe we could talk again next week?’
‘I don’t think so Mum, using the internet is both expensive and problematic whilst we are cruising. I can send and receive emails from whenever I get some time to visit an internet café on land but chat sessions are more difficult to arrange.’
What about when you’ve finished your next cruise and you’re back at Waterlooville?’ she asked.
‘That won’t be for three weeks so I can’t be sure, but I promise I’ll keep you regularly informed by email.’
She sighed but did not have enough time to argue the point.
‘Alright then, goodbye for now and take care.’
I logged off with a sigh of relief as Mum had not appeared to have any suspicions about Ally. I felt rather guilty about the number of lies and half-truths that I’d just told, and knew that sometime I would have to tell her what I'd been doing. On the other hand, though, I felt that I needed a little bit of time and space to sort out what I wanted to do with my life. The opportunity to spend time as Ally was the best thing that had ever happened to me and the last thing I wanted was for her and dad to come over and spoil things. It was my life, after all. I took my mind off my anxieties and feelings of guilt by preparing the evening meal for us all.
Beth returned at three o’clock.
‘How did you get on with your mother?’ she asked.
‘Not too bad, I suppose, she doesn't appear to have any suspicions but is talking about them both coming over to the UK later in the summer.’
‘That could be a little awkward for you.’
‘I know but she hasn’t fixed a date yet.’
She handed over two carrier bags, one for Carol and one for me.
‘There was some change from the fifty pounds so I’ve also bought you a couple of pairs of tights as well, as they are expensive to buy on board,’ she said
‘Thanks, I said, putting them down.’
‘Well, aren’t you going to try them on?’
‘Do you think I should?’
‘It’s up to you, of course, but you’ll want to make sure that they look good on you as the only opportunity you will have to take them back will be tomorrow morning.’
‘But I’ll have to revert to being Ally.’
‘So what? Now that you’ve spoken to your Mother there’s nothing to stop you from doing so. It may even cheer you up at little. You don’t seem to be your normal self today.’
‘I suppose I’m going to have to change back to Ally tomorrow, so I may as well do so now.’
‘Do you want me to give you a hand to get changed?’
‘Would you help me to tape on my boobs and clip in the hair extensions, then I’ll try on the various purchases and you can tell me how they look.’
Beth did so and we both agreed that my new purchases looked alright and that I should keep them.
‘I’ll just put on a little makeup as well; I feel undressed without it these days,’ I said, once again switching to Ally’s voice.
She smiled.
‘What are you going to do about your fingernails?’
‘They do look a bit of a mess, but Maria has offered to help me with them and give me some new hair extensions if there is enough time after we arrive back tomorrow before our evening performance.’
Carol arrived back just as I’d finished changing back to Ally, and I now felt more comfortable in the presence of my cousin and my friend. They also seemed to be more at ease with me. We had a brief discussion as Beth handed over Carol’s shopping and we all showed off our purchases.
‘I've bought this for you Carol to replace the one I’ve been borrowing,’ I said, offering her the new bra.
‘No that’s alright Ally, I've plenty of bras, you should keep it for yourself.'
.
‘Did you know that Maria has offered Ally a free makeover in the salon tomorrow?’ Beth asked Carol.
‘No.'
But only if I can get back to the ship at a reasonable time, as the salon is only available for use whilst the passengers are embarking,’ I added. ‘Would you two mind if I left early, tomorrow?'
Carol shrugged.
‘There’s nothing stopping you from going back tonight if you want to,’ she replied.
‘If someone had made that offer to me I’d be knocking on the salon door at nine o’clock in the morning.’
‘Would your mother mind if I went back to the ship a day early?’ I asked.
‘Of course she won't. You could catch a bus to Cosham Station after dinner this evening and get a train to Southampton. You would be back on board within two hours.’
‘I may just do that.’ I replied looking at my nails.
Over dinner I gave Aunt Emma an account of my conversation with Mum.
‘So what are you going to do if they do decide to come over?’
‘I’ll have to face that problem if and when it happens,’ I replied.
‘Hmm,’ was her noncommittal reply.
‘Mum, Ally has been offered a free makeover by her new roommate tomorrow if she can get back to the ship in good time. Would you be able to give her a lift to Cosham after dinner so that she can catch the train?’
Aunt Emma turned towards me.
‘Is that what you want, Ally?’
‘Yes please.’
My aunt studied me for a second or two before replying.
‘Very well, I don’t see why you shouldn’t go back early, if you want to.’
‘Thanks,' I replied blushing as I was unable to disguise that I was pleased about it.
‘You go and get yourself packed ready to leave while I clear up from the meal. Beth and I will see you on board tomorrow evening,’ said Carol with a smile.
Whilst Aunt Emma drove me the four and a half miles to Cosham Station, I sent a quick text message to Maria to expect me back on board later that evening. Her reply came through almost immediately.
‘Good! – We can make start after our breakfast tomorrow – Maria ;-).’
Carol also came along for the ride and they waited with me until the arrival of the Portsmouth to Southampton train.
‘Now take care Ally, and be sure to keep me informed what is happening.’
‘Don’t worry, Aunt Emma, I’ll send you a copy of whatever I send to Mum.’
‘I’m not sure whether that is going to be sufficient to allay all of my concerns about your future, but maybe we will have more chance to talk together next time you come back.’
‘Goodbye Ally. I hope you enjoy the makeover. I’ll see you tomorrow evening, no doubt looking stunning,’ said Carol with a smile.
I blushed once again. Aunt Emma smiled and shook her head at the same time.
Thanks to Angharad and to Bronwen for proofreading, and to everybody who has left a comment or awarded a kudo. Louise
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Sometimes it is more important to listen to your inner voice than those around you.
Copyright © 2015 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
As Carol had predicted, I’d arrived back on board the ship by 9.00pm, and found my way to the cabin that I’d be sharing with Maria on the coming voyage.
‘Hello Ally, I am pleased that you come back early; it will enable us to do a good job tomorrow,’ she said as I entered.
‘Thanks, Maria; what’s that parcel on my bunk?’
‘It came to you this morning.’
‘I expect it’s my breast forms,’ I said, picking it up.
I opened the box, and took out two lifelike silicone breasts.
‘What do you think?’ I asked. 'Will they be big enough for me?'
‘They look well to me but we’ll have to see how they appear when they are stuck in place. But first we need to discuss what I will to do tomorrow.’
‘Yes, what exactly do you have in mind?’ I asked, a little suspiciously.
‘We have plenty time to make your nails later. First I want to replace your hair extensions with more permanent ones with keratin tips. I have a set available made of human hair. They look more natural and will stay in place for the whole summer.’
‘I thought the existing ones were alright,’ I protested.
‘Maybe they look alright, as you say, but if you are to look really good I must be able to style your hair properly with extensions fixed in place.’
‘Alright; if you think it necessary.’
‘Please take out the extensions for me.’
I did as she asked and felt a little odd to be dressed as Ally but with shorter hair. Maria didn’t comment; she examined my head.
‘Your own hair is thick and long enough to be able to hide the joins. I will give it a better shape, and then I will need to lighten the colour to match the extensions. I think you will look good as a blonde.’
‘Goodness only knows what Mum is going to say when she next sees me on Skype – but what the hell! How many other times will I get such an opportunity?’ I thought to myself.
‘How long are they?’
‘The longest are sixty-five centimetres, from your head to your new breasts.’
‘I shall enjoy having long hair,’ I said, ‘but I’ll have to get used to having it all the time.’
‘If any fall out I can fix them back in again for you.’
‘But won’t new ones be expensive?’
‘Most of the expense will be for my time, which I am giving to you. I have been told to charge the cost of the materials that I use to the Entertainments Office who will pay.
‘Thank you.'
‘Also I have been told that I will spend one hour each evening helping the three of you to get ready.’
‘I trust they will be paying you overtime for this work.’
‘I will take a two hour lunch break as that is the quiet time. It will give me more time to learn my lessons.’
‘Maybe we can arrange a daily English lesson for you during the lunch break as I’m normally free then.’
‘Thank you, Ally. I would like to do that.’
'So will I,' I added with a smile.
‘So will you be happy to become a blonde?’ she asked.
‘Go ahead. I’ll have to trust your judgment,’ I replied.
Maria now looked at my short bare fingernails and frowned.
‘Tomorrow I give you manicure and then fix your finger nails. This time I use gel tips which are more natural looking, stronger and more flexible than the acrylic nails that you had before.’
‘I’ll have to leave any decisions regarding my appearance in your hands, at least for the time being.’
‘Maybe you should do that for a while, but you will gradually learn what for you is right. Then you will be able to decide for yourself.’
It took me some time to get to sleep that night as I was feeling a mixture of excitement and trepidation about the following day.
Maria insisted that I should not put on any makeup or wear any jewellery other than my Bunny studs when I went down to breakfast the following morning, but I was allowed to put in my existing hair extensions, as I didn’t feel confident enough to go out as Ally with short hair. I felt rather drab and underdressed and was glad that there were very few people in the staff dining room as most of those I knew were still ashore. At nine o’clock we made our way to the deserted salon. Over the next nine hours she got down to work on my appearance whilst we talked together and I corrected her grammar or suggested alternative terms to add to her vocabulary.
‘May I watch what you are doing in the mirror?’ I asked as soon as she finished cutting and colouring my own hair and I was sitting up once again.
‘I prefer you wait until I finished and then you see efecto global of my work.’
‘We would say ‘the overall effect’. But if I’m not allowed to see what you’re doing, you must try to explain it to me, in English. I will help you to say it properly.’
‘If you insist. I begin at the back. I comb the hair up to create a parting and insert several strands of your hair in to this plastic guide. I take a swatch of the new hairs and soften the keratin tip using a heated iron. When it is warm I wrap the tip around the roots of your own hair and roll them together until they are permanently bonded.'
‘How many swatches are there?’
‘I have three hundred, if I am going to do a good job. It will take me several hours but your hair will look and feel good when it is finished.’
Having previously worked in her parents’ salon, Maria already knew much of the specialised English technical vocabulary relating to hair and beauty treatments which was often quite similar to the Spanish equivalents. It was in other areas that she needed to improve, just as she occasionally made grammatical mistakes. As with any language learner, she needed to gain confidence and experience by using English in many different situations. This was one area that I could help her, especially as we were going to share a cabin.
At one point I was trying to explain to her the difference between curly hair and wavy hair.
‘So many different words meaning the same thing!’ she exclaimed in exasperation ‘Why cannot English be more like Spanish!’ she complained.
‘I don’t know, I guess it is because the British are such mongrels.’
‘Mongrels?’ she asked.
‘Mestizo?’ I replied, but not sure whether this was the right word.
‘Ah, you mean Chuchos.’
I could gradually feel the weight of so much extra hair and caught sight of the strands resting on my shoulders.
‘How do I look as a blonde?’ I asked once she had attached the final swatch of hair over two hours later.
She looked at me and smiled.
‘You will have to wait to see. I will now cut and style your new hair and put it in to rollers ready for your performance this evening.
‘What will I need to do with my hair when I go to bed?’ I asked.
‘You should brush it and tie it in a ponytail so that it does not tangle and then brush it carefully again in the morning. Tonight I will show you what to do.’
‘It sounds like a lot of effort.’
‘Of course, but that is necessary if you wish to look beautiful.’
We briefly stopped for a cup of coffee once she had finished with my hair and placed me under a dryer.
‘Alright Ally, I will now make your nails and give you a cera de cuerpo entero, before I stick on your breasts. If we have time, I will also make your eyelashes grow longer.'
‘What is Cera de cuerpo entero?’ I asked, unsure of the term and knowing only that it related in some way to bodies.
‘You will see,’ she said smiling.
After coffee Maria cleaned off the last traces of acrylic from my finger nails, checked that the cuticles had been pushed back and filed the tips with an emery board. She surrounded each nail with flexible metallic forms and placed a small blob of gel onto the end of each in turn. Using a spatula, she slowly smoothed it out to form the shape of the new nail. She could not prevent me from seeing the results of her work.
‘When I have finished they will look just like your own nails, but you should continue to use nail varnish to protect them.’
‘I’ve been doing so over the last fortnight. I like to wear nail varnish even if it does take a long time to dry.’
‘Good. It is important to look after the nails.’
‘Is this hand ready now?’ I asked examining my left hand whilst she continued working on the right.
‘Not until we put it under ultra-violet light to set them permanently. Afterwards I will buff and shape them and apply the nail polish. What colour will you wear tonight?’ she asked.
‘Our new Bunny outfits are black and white, but they have long gloves.’
‘Good, the colour will not matter. I recommend a light pink, such as this?’ she said holding up a small bottle.
‘Please go ahead,’ I replied.
‘It will go well with your new blonde hair.
By one o’clock my hair and finger nails were dry and so I suggested a break for some lunch in the staff canteen.
‘We have no time for lunch,’ Maria said definitely. ‘We still have much work to do. You must be prepared to suffer a little discomfort for the sake of your beauty regime.’
I was allowed a short break with a coffee and some sandwiches from the canteen, but only on condition that I promised not to get up from the dryer and look at myself in one of the mirrors, the nearest of which had been covered over by a towel. I must admit that I was tempted to do so whilst she was away but in the end I decided not to spoil Maria's fun as she was clearly enjoying herself. Once we had finished eating Maria returned to the job in hand.
‘As you came back early there will be time for your depilacíon con cera de cuerpo entero,’ she said taking a large tub of a light brown substance out of the cupboard, removing the lid and placing it in a microwave oven with the lid placed loosely on top.
‘I think the English phrase is ‘body waxing,’ I said, now realising what it was she had in mind to do.
‘Ah yes! I will remember that next time. Go behind the screens and undress as far as your panties, and remove your existing breasts.’
I did as she instructed and felt self-conscious as she had not seen me flat chested before. She did not seem to worry though.
‘Now, Ally, lay down on the bench.’
‘It should be lie down. ‘To lay’ is a transitive verb which describes an action that is done to something – but don’t worry lots of English speakers get that one wrong.’
‘But I thought that lie was an untruth.’
‘It is but it is also an intransitive verb meaning ‘to rest,’ or to be in a horizontal position.’
Maria shook her head and sighed in disbelief.
‘I want you in a horizontal position,’ she said.
I followed her instructions not wishing to add to her grief.
‘I won’t be able to see what you are doing, so you must explain it to me,’ I said.
‘I think the wax has reached the right temperature now – it should be a mixture between the solid and the liquid with a soft crust on the top. I test a small quantity on the inside of my arm to make sure that I do not burn you.’
‘I’m glad about that.’
‘The temperature is fine so now I spread a long strip about two inches wide, on to your arm. Once it has set, after a few seconds, I flick up one end with a spatula like this.
As Maria spoke she performed each action that she was describing. It was not an unpleasant sensation.
‘Now I quickly pull off the wax strip with my right hand whilst holding down your skin with the fingers of my left hand.’
I felt a slight tingling feeling on my arm but no real pain.
‘Any hairs will be removed,’ she said showing me the tiny hairs stuck on to the strip. This will last you much longer than shaving them.’
Maria had clearly given full-body waxes before as she was methodical and fast in spreading the strips of wax and then pulling them off. In most areas of my body the process hardly hurt at all, just created a tingling feeling which I soon got used to. The two areas where it did hurt a little were my armpits and the back and sides of my neck, both of which were a little sore for a while so she cooled them with a water spray before continuing with her task.
‘Those areas will hurt for a little while but in an hour you will have forgotten,’ she stated.
‘Are you spreading wax on to my eyebrows?’ I asked at one point, a little anxiously.
‘Yes but I am only tidying around the edges. Most of each brow will be left intacto. Fuller eyebrows are now fashionable for girls,’ she announced.
‘That’s a relief to know,’ I thought.
As soon as Maria had finished I sat up and she stood back to look at her handiwork.
‘Yes, that is a great improvement.’
‘Thank you, but how long will it be before I need it done again?’ I asked.
‘Four maybe five weeks, we will see how quickly they grow again. But now we must fix your new breasts before you get dressed again.’
Maria read the instructions on the package and carefully placed each breast in order to get an idea where the edges would come. She made a tiny mark in felt tip pen on each breast and on my skin so that she would be able to place them exactly when the time came. She then took the aerosol containing the medical adhesive which came with the forms and sprayed in two circles around my own breasts where the forms would be placed.
‘Please use your fingers to spread the glue where I have just sprayed, Ally. It will be better that I do not get glue on my fingers.’
‘Don’t you need to put glue on to the middle of the form?’ I asked.
‘No. It says to use glue only on the edges, suction should hold them in place.’
I did as she instructed and afterwards she handed me a tissue containing adhesive remover.
‘The instructions say to wait at least seven minutes until the glue is ready to stick. Is there anything you want me to do whilst we wait?’
I was about to ask Maria to replace the Bunny studs with the drop earrings loaned to me by Carol, but then I had an idea. Both Beth and Carol had twin ear piercings and so were able to wear both the Bunnies and some more glamorous earrings at the same time.
‘Maria, would you be able to give me a second ear piercing for the studs that I have?’ I asked.
‘No problem but they will have to stay in place until the holes heal.
‘I understand.’
The piercing was completed with a minimum of discomfort and in future I could wear drop earrings as well as the studs.
By this time the required wait for the glue to cure was over. I lay back again whilst Maria carefully placed each one and stretched and stuck down the delicate edges to my own skin. She then removed her guide marks. By the time she had finished the joins were barely noticeable so any casual observer would think that my breasts were natural.
‘I show you how to use some foundation to disguise the joins in case they are visible. After you shower you should learn to do this for yourself.’
‘How long can they stay in place before I need to take them off?’ I asked.
‘We will have to see; at least a week, and perhaps longer.’
I sat up and allowed my new breasts to hang unsupported.
'I do not think they are too small. They are just the right size for you,' commented my friend and I was inclined to agree.
Maria handed me my new push-up bra and helped me to adjust it to my new shape. Suddenly I’d acquired a respectable and entirely convincing cleavage.
‘As long as you don’t try to wear a very low-cut dress nobody will ever know.’
‘Thank you for your help.’
‘You may get yourself dressed now.
By this time, I’d perfected the art of pushing my testicles back into my body cavity and tucking my penis between my legs without causing myself any discomfort, and then holding everything in place using a home-made gaff, so that I could wear any garment without giving any hint of my manhood. As I put on my tights and my new dress, I noticed that the skin of my arms and legs now felt silky and smooth, so I guess that the waxing had been worth the minor discomfort involved. Also, with my new breasts in place my dress seemed to fit me better and I felt more confident about the way I looked.
‘You are now beginning to look like a real woman,’ Maria commented when I’d finished dressing.
‘Thank you, I’m beginning to feel like one as well.’
It was now four o’clock and Maria allowed me the luxury of another cup of coffee, followed by a visit to the ladies' loo but only on condition that I promised not to look at myself in the mirrors.
‘What time do you need to be ready for your singing this evening?’ she asked, when I returned.
‘I told Carol and Beth that I would meet them at 6.00pm to try on our new costumes and begin the rehearsal, but that is quite early as we do not start until nine o’clock. I could send them a text message to say I will need an extra half an hour, if you wish’ I replied.
‘Yes, please do so. That will give me enough time to finish your hair and lengthen your eyelashes.’
‘What are you intending to do to my eyelashes?’ I asked.
‘I will glue on extensions to make them longer and fuller,’ she said.
‘Will I be able to remove them?’
‘No, not once they are in place, but they will fall out naturally after four or five weeks. Unfortunately they do not last as long as the hair extensions.’
'I don’t think I will be able to avoid my mother’s gaze for four or five weeks, but it is now too late for me to go back,’ I thought to myself.
Once again Maria gave me a commentary on what she was doing and I corrected her grammar or suggested the most appropriate word when necessary.
‘First we clean your eyes to ensure that there is no mascara on them. Next I stick these silk shields over each eyelid and over the lower lashes using medical tape.’
She performed each action as she spoke.
‘Now I carefully separate each of your lashes and place a tiny lump of glue on to each artificial lash.’
She held one up with a pair of tweezers for me to see.
‘I think it may be better to say a tiny piece or spot of glue,’ I corrected.
‘Now I stick each one on to your natural lash.’
‘You have done this before, Maria?’ I questioned.
‘Yes, of course, plenty of time.’
‘Many times,’ I corrected.
Maria continued with her task whilst I lay back and enjoyed the sensation until I eventually emerged with long, thick and dark eyelashes that I could feel but still wasn't allowed to look at.
'How do they look?' I asked.
Maria shrugged her shoulders and then smiled and nodded.
'Pretty good,' as you say.
In spite of the time and trouble involved, I could now see why girls enjoyed having such beauty treatments. Without being able to see the results of her work, I nevertheless felt great.
Thanks to Angharad and to Bronwen for proofreading, and to everybody who has left a comment or awarded a kudo. Louise
![]() |
Sometimes it is more important to listen to your inner voice than those around you.
Copyright © 2015 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
In spite of having received my text message, Carol and Beth arrived at the salon at five thirty, as they were both anxious to see how things had been going for me, but Maria refused to let them in.
‘We are not finished yet. I need to have one more hour and I will also be able to help Ally with her makeup.’
‘Alright but tell her to come straight to our cabin at six thirty as we’ll have to try on our new stage costumes and begin to practice for the show tonight,’ said Beth.
The two other Bunnies returned to their cabin to begin getting themselves ready whilst Maria finished the last of my lashes and carefully removed the silk shields. She then went through a similar process with the lower lashes. My eyes felt a little strange and the lashes tended to flutter somewhat at first, but she assured me that I would soon get used to them.
‘Now that you have the eyelash extensions in place you will find that you no longer need to wear mascara for most occasions. I will give you a small brush so that you keep them looking tidy.’
‘What about when we’re performing?’
‘If you have to wear mascara, make sure that you do not use an oil-based type or it may react with the glue and your eyelashes will clump together.’
‘I wouldn’t want to have clumpy eyelashes,‘ I said smiling.
I went to my handbag and showed her the mascara that I usually wore and she read through the ingredients.
‘That should be acceptable; I will put it on for you tonight but you must also take care when you remove your makeup after the show. You should also avoid getting the lashes wet in the shower until the glue is entirely set.’
‘How will I do that?’
‘I will lend you my swimming goggles to wear in the shower tonight, by tomorrow they should be alright.’
Maria had taken some trouble during the course of the day to make sure that I did not catch a glimpse of myself in any mirror. This continued as she applied my makeup, taking great care not to disturb my new eyelashes, which continued to flutter somewhat although I was gradually getting more used to them. However, even Maria’s precautions couldn’t prevent me from noticing how nice my finger nails now looked. She was right; the gel nails did look and feel more natural than the acrylic tips.
At last by six o’clock she was satisfied.
‘Alright Ally, you are now ready to go and meet your friends,’ she announced.
May I have a quick look at myself before we go?’ I asked.
‘I think it would be better if all three of the Honey Bunnies saw the announcement of your new look at the same time.’
‘I don’t think that announcement is quite the right word. Perhaps you mean unveiling?’
‘But you are not wearing a veil?’
I smiled.
‘Alright, you could use inauguration, or debut, or perhaps even opening.’
‘I hate the English language,’ she said.
I was only wearing my cheap Primark dress and the flat heels that Beth had given to me but I noticed that I received several admiring glances from passengers and members of staff during the relatively short walk between the beauty salon and the lift down to the first deck which contained the entrance to the female staff cabins. I guess that was mainly due to Maria’s efforts with my hair and makeup and also perhaps my new boobs and the push-up bra. We arrived at the cabin that I’d previously shared with Carol. I knocked on the door and it was opened by Beth. There was a momentary pause before she realised who was standing there, then a gasp of surprise.
‘My goodness Ally your hair looks wonderful, and your boobs! Come in – both of you - and we’ll have a good look at what Maria has done to you.’
‘O – M – G,’ spelled Carol as she caught sight of me. ‘What have you done to your hair?’
‘Maria thought I might look better as a blonde,’ I responded.
‘I only have two sets of hair extensions available and Ally’s complexion is too light for her to be a brunette,’ added Maria.
‘I’m not criticising, Maria,’ said Carol. ‘I think she looks beautiful - her hair, eyes, finger nails, boobs, makeup, everything. She looks like a beauty queen.’
Maria smiled at this comment, as if she’d achieved her objective. My cheeks coloured a little but I too was feeling happy.
‘But what have you done to Ally’s eyes?’ asked Beth.
‘Eyelash extensions, and a little tidying of her brows,’ explained Maria, clearly quite proud of her work.
‘They look great but how do they feel, Ally?’ Beth asked.
‘They feel fine; perhaps they were a little fluttery at first but I’m gradually getting used to them.’
‘And your boobs?’ asked Carol.
‘They are silicone breast forms, glued on with a medical adhesive, together with a push-up bra to create the cleavage,’ I replied.
‘Ally, you look fabulous, but isn’t all this going to create problems for you the next time that Alex needs to put in an appearance in front of his parents?’ asked Carol anxiously.
Maria now looked a little concerned as well.
‘Your parents do not know about Ally?’ she asked.
‘No, but my Aunt does,’ I replied.
‘I hope that we did not go too eager, that we got carried from here,’ said Maria.
‘I think you mean ‘got carried away’; it's an idiom,’ I said.
As she spoke I at last was able to see myself in the full-length mirror. It was the first time that I’d had more than a glimpse. The others were right, I looked stunning. My long blonde hair hung in soft curls down to my boobs. My eyes were bordered by lovely long lashes and seemed to glow. My lips looked luscious and tempting. For the first time in my life I felt as if I really belonged in my body.
‘Maybe we did get a little carried away, but I’m glad that we did so. I intend to enjoy myself as a girl on this voyage,’ I announced to the assembled company.
I noticed that Carol and Beth exchanged significant glances at one another, as if I’d been the subject of a long discussion between them on the train coming over.
‘So no second thoughts about accepting the job,’ said Beth with a smile.
‘It would be a little late for those,’ I replied now examining my polished finger nails.
‘In that case let’s all adjourn to the dressing room and see how we look in our new stage costumes,’ suggested Carol.
‘Before we go, let me just give you a squirt of my perfume and have you smelling as good as you look,’ said Beth.
As we made our way towards our dressing room to try on the new outfits, it occurred to me that one of the best things about living as a young woman was the enhanced range of sensations that I experienced. It was not just a question of how I looked in the mirror, or the admiring glances I might receive from others, but how I felt, wearing those lovely soft and close fitting garments, or having long hair and jewellery. It was also how I sounded when I spoke or sang and now even how I smelled. It was as if my new friends had gradually led me to an entirely new life.
‘How could I ever go back to that dull grey life as a man?’ I asked myself.
I didn’t attempt to formulate an answer to that question in my head, but I knew in my soul what it was.
Maria accompanied us to the dressing room to help the others with their hair and makeup. We first tried on the pink sparkly dresses, which by chance matched the nail varnish that Maria had chosen for me. I hadn’t realised just how short they would be when we’d ordered them online. When I’d put mine on, I was glad that I was wearing two pairs of panties and some tights but I still felt fairly exposed down below. I was also relieved that Maria had waxed my arms and armpits which now looked as smooth as the proverbial ‘baby’s bottom.’
Having satisfied ourselves that we looked alright in the first costume we changed to the black and white satin bunny costumes. These were not the traditional bunny-girl outfits which were little more than a one-piece bathing suit with a fluffy white bob tail at the back. These outfits had a short flared skirt which became fuller and longer at the back. There was also white panel at the front to look like a shirt front with a black dickie-bow and black buttons. They were designed with a halter neck with the front cut sufficiently low to show off a little of my newly acquired cleavage but without giving away any secrets. The outfit was completed by a pair of black satin ears, which were fun to wear but we had to help one another to put them on securely; There were also full length black satin gloves, black fishnet stockings held up by suspenders and black stiletto heels. None of us had worn stockings before and we all laughed at how sexy they felt and how provocative a glimpse of stocking top and suspenders could be under the short skirts.
Whilst Maria was busy fixing Beth’s makeup I helped Carol to brush her hair and put her bunny ears on straight, at the other end of the room.
‘Ally, are you sure that you’re alright with all this?’ she asked me quietly so the others wouldn’t hear.
‘With all what?’ I asked.
‘You know, with your having to live as Ally on the cruise again.’
‘Well, you were keen to encourage and facilitate me taking this job,’ I replied.
‘I know, but we seem to have taken things to a whole new level; I never imagined it would go this far.’
‘Nor me,’ I replied with a smile. ‘Do I seem to be unhappy?’
‘No; not at all. In fact it is quite the reverse. You slotted into the female role very well and appeared to be enjoying yourself during the last voyage.’
‘And I intend to do so on this one,’ I thought to myself.
‘Doesn’t that answer your question?’ I replied.
‘I just wonder what your parents are going to say when they discover what you’ve been doing.’
I sighed.
‘I do as well, but don’t let us spoil our fun tonight. I’ll worry about that later.’
‘As long as you’re doing this for your sake and not out of some mistaken belief that you need to go so far for the rest of us.’
‘Don’t worry, Carol, I wouldn’t have let things go this far unless I was happy about the result.’
Carol smiled at me.
‘I’m relieved to hear it. Before I left Mum last night we had a long talk about you. She asked me to find out whether she should expect to see Ally or Alex when you next come to stay at her house. Given everything that Maria has done to you today, I don’t think we’ll be seeing Alex again for some time to come.’
‘I guess not.’
‘Should I tell that to Mum then?’
I thought for a moment.
‘Can you give me a little more time to work out what I want to say and do?’
‘Yes, of course, maybe we can talk again nearer to the end of the cruise.
‘Alright then. Thanks, Carol.’
‘But I must say that you look really hot in that outfit and with those boobs and hair style.’
‘Thank you and you don’t look so bad, yourself,’ I said with a smile.
Frank called in to our dressing room shortly before we were due to begin our rehearsal.
‘Wow! You three look really - glamorous – I can see that my investment was worthwhile.’
We thanked him.
‘What do you think of my new boobs, Frank?’ I asked, coquettishly.
‘I was too much of a gentleman to notice them, but since you ask, Ally, I think that they look just like the real thing. What is more I do like your new hairstyle, it really suits you.’
‘Thanks, but it’s mainly due to Maria’s efforts. She will be helping us to get ready each evening.’
‘Hi Maria. You appear to have done an excellent job today, but I hope you’ll be very careful about what you say to your colleagues about Ally.'
‘Don’t worry, Ally shares a cabin with me on this voyage and I don’t want anyone to think that I share with other than a lady.’
'Good, that's what we all want.'
Maria had finished with Beth and prepared to leave us.
‘Thank you so much for your help today. I’m really pleased with everything you’ve done for me.’
I gave her a hug but was careful not to spoil my makeup.
‘I’m glad then that we got carried away,’ she said smiling.
‘Me too!’ I replied.
Frank now turned to us.
‘I’ve one of the ship’s photographers outside who would like to take some publicity shots of you and the guys before you begin rehearsing this evening.’
(The ship employed a couple of photographers who went round taking shots of the passengers in an attempt to sell them prints at inflated prices.)
We found the guys, looking very smart, dressed in their best suits, waiting for us in the music room. The photographer had already taken individual portraits and a couple of group shots of them. Now it was going to be our turn.
‘Wow just look at you three!’ said James as we came in wearing our new bunny costumes.
Tom gave a wolf-whistle
‘Ally, have you dyed your hair?’ asked James.
‘How nice of you to have noticed,’ I said in mock surprise.
Beth rolled her eyes about the reaction from our musicians.
‘Men! We go to all this trouble to look nice for their sake, and then they say something crass like that,’ she whispered to me in mock exasperation.
I smiled in response to her comment but knew that she was wrong. We went to all that trouble for our own sake – because it makes us feel good to do so. Still, it was nice to feel that I was now fully accepted into the sisterhood.
Whilst Beth was being photographed, George came over to me.
‘Ally I think you look really nice today and that hairstyle suits you,’ he said quietly, blushing as he did so.
‘Thank you, George’ I said giving him the nicest smile that I could manage. ‘You look very smart as well.’
Carol caught sight of this exchange and gave me a significant look. I wondered what she might be thinking and got some idea when she later smiled and winked her eye to me when George wasn’t looking.
After Carol and I had our portraits taken and we’d posed for a couple of shots with the three Bunnies, Frank asked for a few action shots of the six of us together. Of course the photographer had no idea about my background and for one shot he asked me to sit on George’s lap, with my arms round his shoulders whispering in his ear. On this occasion George didn’t seem as embarrassed by my presence and I even felt a faint bulge between his legs as I sat down, but of course I didn’t say anything and pretended not to notice. It was nice to know that I’d had that effect on him though. Carol was looking at me once again, so out of pure devilment I gave George a quick kiss as I got up. George went bright red and there was a lipstick mark on his cheek. I turned away and winked at my cousin.
I think we gave a pretty good performance later that evening; the guys were on excellent form and the Bunnies sang and danced well in our new outfits. Our audience were also appreciative. It is surprising what a difference the knowledge that you look good makes to one's confidence.
As usual the first full day out of Southampton was spent at sea, calling at Lisbon. We’d announced the ‘Bunny Hops’ for pre-teens and young teenagers on the daily publicity sheet sent to all passengers and received a good number who were interested in taking part. Frank looked in and seemed quite impressed with the numbers. He had also arranged to come and see us after our afternoon performance, bringing with him the prints of the publicity shots taken the day before. They looked great and he promised to let us have some copies when he had finished with them.
‘Now that I’ve got you all looking better, I’d like to use the Bucks and the Bunnies for publicity purposes. We’ll include some pictures of your performances on the printed programmes and maybe on the company website. I’d also like to encourage you to make use of the various social media.
‘The Bunnies already have our own Facebook and Twitter accounts,’ said Beth.
‘I also noted that some amateur shots of us have found their way on to Flickr,’ added Carol.
‘You might think about signing up to Instagram and Tumblr as well and adding a few of these photos,’ he added.
‘Using the Internet to keep track is very expensive on board,’ said Beth
‘I know, but that's mainly due to us having to use satellite communication when at sea. There would no objection to you using the ship’s Internet when we are in port or sailing close to land, as long as you are only doing so for work purposes,’ he said. ‘How about you guys?’
‘We sometime use Twitter and have our individual Facebook accounts, but we’re not as pretty as the girls,’ said Tom.
‘Maybe you are not as photogenic, but you are good musicians all the same. One of my staff will be making a publicity video for the cruise line and will be filming a number of your performances. I’d also like to add some clips of your performances to YouTube, both with and without the Bunnies.’
‘No problem, we’ll be happy to have the extra publicity,’ said Tom.
Frank now turned to us.
‘Have you three decided on the dance numbers you are going to perform in the theatre later this week?
‘Beth will perform the Beyoncé track, ‘Crazy in Love,’ Carol has decided on the Kylie Minogue number ‘Can't Get You Out of My Head’, and I’ll do the Martha and the Vandellas standard, ‘Dancing in the Street’. George has offered to help me work out the arrangements,’ I replied.
‘That sounds fine, what about the dance routines?’
‘Beth and I intend to use a couple of the Bunny Hops to try them out,’ added Carol.
‘Good, the first performance will be the evening after we leave Barcelona, and weekly thereafter.’
After Lisbon, it was another long day sail through the straits of Gibraltar and into the Mediterranean Sea, reaching Barcelona early the next morning.
Thanks to Angharad and to Bronwen for proofreading, and to everybody who has left a comment or awarded a kudo. Louise
![]() |
Sometimes it is more important to listen to your inner voice than those around you.
Copyright © 2015 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
As far as I was concerned the second cruise of the Fair Maid of Southampton proved to be even more successful than the first one. This was mainly because we all understood what we were doing and what to expect from each other this time. Our regular performances with the Young Bucks continued to go well and George and I finished the arrangements of our three new dance numbers so that the Bucks could work out the instrumental parts and Beth and Carol worked out some new dance routines for them. As requested, we began to develop two distinct performance styles – a more family oriented one during the afternoons and a sexier and more sophisticated one in the evenings, when we wore our short dresses or the Bunny outfits. Once again, Alex was entirely forgotten about for the duration of the voyage and Ally was accepted by everyone.
This total immersion into life as a young woman was beginning to have its effect on me. I lost count of the number of compliments I received from colleagues of both sexes about my 'new look' and felt more confident in mixed company. I was no longer worried that I might accidentally give myself away. Using Ally’s voice all the time came quite naturally to me and it would take a conscious effort to revert back to Alex again. Having long hair constantly in place, even when I was in bed, now felt quite normal to me and I was no longer anxious that I might be called out of bed in the night. Beth presented me with a half bottle of a perfume which she no longer used and I started to wear it on a regular basis. The lingering aroma served as a constant reminder to me of my new identity.
Maria took an active interest in the way I looked and gave me instruction in how to look after my hair and complexion after work each evening. In fact we all benefited from her help and advice as we were preparing for our evening performances. I’d become fairly proficient in the mechanics of using make up under Carol’s guidance, but Maria took things to another level showing me how to highlight and contour different parts of my face to achieve a more feminine look - although as she pointed out I'd not looked particularly masculine in the first place. She also taught me about the importance of colour and texture combinations to match the clothes I was wearing and which of the various finishes I should use and when. That is not to say I was now wearing more make up than previously but I was using it more effectively and I grew to look forward to the half hour or so that I took to make up my face each morning as a time when I could concentrate on me. I also developed the habit of checking up on my appearance and fixing anything that required attention whenever I had an opportunity to do so during the day. Equally I noticed that Carol and Beth had also began to wear make up more often and were more conscious of their general appearance when we were not performing. Thus we all seemed to be taking seriously Frank’s request for us to ‘enhance the glamour’ , not only in our evening performances but also in our everyday lives on board. To some degree, though, I was still hampered by my limited personal wardrobe based on clothes from the cheaper High Street retailers. I would have loved the opportunity to wear some of the dresses that I saw worn by the passengers, but they could afford expensive clothes and holidays and I couldn’t.
I continued to coach Maria in the English language for at least an hour each day and we all corrected her at other times when we were together. Thus, whilst she was teaching us about hair styles and makeup, she was simultaneously learning her English grammar and extending her vocabulary. There was no doubt that she was improving as a result of living and working in close proximity with native English speakers and from the one to one attention she received from me during our daily lessons. I was enjoying the role of a language teacher and began to wonder whether this might make a worthwhile career for me. I loved performing as one of the Bunnies but realised that we were not good enough to be really successful and in any event the others would be leaving to return to their University courses come September.
By the time we were due to make our second call at Barcelona, Carol and Beth had arranged to go ashore with their new boyfriends, Richard and John. They asked me if I wanted to come with them, but I’d no particular wish to play gooseberry, or to end up on a blind date with one of their male friends. I considered tagging along with the guys who planned to visit the 1992 Olympic Stadium and then take the cable car to Montjuic Castle, but I wasn’t a sports fan and those games took place four years before I was even born. I was also beginning to run short of suitable clothes to wear.
‘Maria, are there any good markets for clothing in Barcelona?’ I asked after one of our lessons.
‘Beth said that you were all planning to visit the Parc Guell.’
‘I’ve decided not to go with them this time. I really need to buy myself a new dress.’
‘There is the Mercat Del Encants in the Plaça de les Glories Catalanes but it would not be wise for you to go alone as there are many bolsa ladrón.’
We had to consult her dictionary as neither of us knew the equivalent translation for what turned out to be bag-snatchers.
‘Would you be interested in coming with me?’ I asked.
‘Sorry Ally, but I have arranged to take the lunch with my family in Vallcarca.‘
‘No problem.’
She thought for a moment.
‘I have a dress blue at my house which I mistake when I bought and looks bad on me. I wear it only once but I think it would look good on you. Will you come to my home and I will show it to you? I have told my family how much you help me with English and they would like to thank you.’
‘It should be a blue dress; in English the adjective goes before the noun that it describes. But I hope you haven’t told them the whole story about me?’ I asked.
‘Oh no, I say that you are my girlfriend who shares my cabin, otherwise they would not approve.’
‘Alright, I should be happy to come home with you, and if I like the dress I will repay you the cost of it.’
I put on a fairly non-descript grey skirt and pink blouse both of which I’d inherited from Susan’s box of cast offs and felt a little dowdy after the rather glamorous image that we’d portrayed recently. But the shoes that I wore looked quite stylish and I attempted to make up for the rest with my hair and makeup, so Maria and the other Bunnies confirmed that I looked fine. We travelled on the green line together with Carol, Beth and their boyfriends as far Lesseps, where our friends alighted to spend the day visiting Gaudi’s Parc Guell. Maria and I travelled on to the next station, Vallcarca, before walking about half a kilometre to the family flat above their beauty salon. Maria gave me a little background as we approached.
‘We will take la comida with my parents at 1.30pm. This is the largest meal of the day in Spain and has several courses, with wine. My parents speak no English and our home language is català – the Catalan language - but they will speak in Spanish today for your sake.’
‘I hope they will speak slowly,’ I replied.
‘You can ask me in English if you do not understand – they will not be offended.’
I found the couple of hours that I spent with Maria’s parents to be a humbling and draining experience. They could not have been more friendly and hospitable to me, but now our positions were reversed and I was the one struggling with a language that was not my own. Up to that point it had been easy for me to feel clever as I corrected Maria’s speech, but now I realised just how difficult it was when someone thought in one language whilst attempting to speak in another. I’d only just managed to get my head around operating in a different gender from the one in which I’d been raised, and now I was trying to speak in a different language as well.
The meal was sumptuous affair - bean soup with fresh bread and butter followed by a variety of fresh seafood, fried potatoes and a green salad. The dessert was a fruit flan with home-made ice-cream. My wine glass was topped up with cava each time I took a sip. I began to worry that if I ate any more I would never fit inside the dress that Maria had in mind to sell to me. The meal was finished with a cup of black coffee that was so strong it made my head spin, but I was able to decline the offer of a liqueur or glass of brandy without offending my hosts.
Eventually we made our exit and went up to Maria’s bedroom, where she opened her wardrobe.
‘Here it is Ally, what you think?’
It was a lovely looking royal blue sleeveless, mid-length dress with a ‘V’ neck, but I could see at a glance that it would be wrong for Maria with her colouring. It also struck me that I was beginning to think about clothes as a girl might do.
‘I think it’s lovely. May I try it on?’
‘I will help you.’
I slipped out of my skirt and blouse and Maria helped me to put on the new dress, zipping it up at the back for me. It was well tailored, nicely lined and seemed to fit me perfectly. It showed just enough cleavage to make my artificial boobs appear like the real thing.
‘Why did you choose this dress if it was not right for you?’ I asked.
‘Every girl has a dress in her wardrobe which was a mistake. It will happen to you one day in the future. I like the colour and the dress looked good in the shop. My boyfriend said I looked good but later I discover he is colour-blind and has no taste. When I went out in daylight it made me look ill. Come with me to the balcony and we will see if it still looks as good on you.’
I followed her instructions.
‘See, it looks better on you in daylight. The colour is right for you.’
‘How much did you pay for it?’ I asked, hoping that it wasn’t as expensive as it looked.
‘My boyfriend pay the bill, but now he has another girlfriend to buy dresses for.’
I could see that the dress didn’t have particularly good memories for her.
‘But how much did it cost?’
‘That is my secret. I give the dress to you.’
‘Maria, I can’t keep taking gifts from you.’
‘Ally, you give me piles of your time, and I hope you continue to do so.’
‘I think you might mean ‘heaps’ or better still ‘plenty of your time’,’ I corrected with a smile as I took another look at myself in her bedroom mirror.
The dress felt comfortable to wear and went well with the heels that I was then wearing. I took out the fake Lauren sunglasses from my handbag and put them on. It looked even better. I felt quite sophisticated.
‘In that case, thank you very much, Maria. May I continue to wear it back to the ship this afternoon?’
‘Of course! I will give you a bag plastic to carry your other clothes.’
As we came down the stairs from Maria’s bedroom to the living room, her mother took one look at me and said: ‘bella dama.’
I smiled.
‘Gracias señora.’
She’d clearly been preparing a small speech in English.
‘Maria say you help her much with the English. We thank you.’
With that she handed over a gift-wrapped parcel.
‘Productos cosméticos,’ she explained, smiling.
‘Maria, I can’t accept these,’ I whispered.
‘Please take them. It will make my mother happy. Many of them come free to owners of the salon beauty.’
‘But I already have everything that I need on the ship.’
‘These are for you to use at home, when I am not there to help you.’
‘There are enough here to last me a lifetime.’
‘Not for a lifetime, once you have opened a product you should not keep it longer than a year.’
I smiled and accepted the gift and attempted to respond to her mother in Spanish. I wanted to say that I was embarrassed to accept such generosity.
‘Estoy embarazada,’ I began, looking for the right words.
Maria’s mother’s face showed an element of surprise.
‘Ally, you have just told my mother that you are pregnant!’ Maria whispered.
I went bright red, realising that I’d just committed the ‘schoolgirl howler’ of confusing the Spanish word for pregnancy (embarazo) with that for embarrassment (vergüenza).
My mind went blank and all I could manage was ‘Muchas gracias.’
Maria then said something to her mother in Catalan which clarified the situation and we all laughed at my mistake.
Before we left I once again thanked Maria’s parents for a wonderful meal and their generosity and in return they said they hoped that I would come again for lunch on the next occasion I was in Barcelona. On the way back to Drassanes and the Ferry terminal Maria explained to me that she’d had an abortive love affair over the last academic year.
‘I waste my time trying to please a stupid man, then he find someone else and I fail my exams. Now I must spend my Summer vacation learning English,’ she complained.
I turned and gave her a hug, something that Alex would never have thought to do.
‘Don’t worry, Maria, there are plenty more fish in the sea.’
‘Fish? What do I want with a fish?’
I laughed.
‘It is just a phrase we use to remind people that there are many more men out there, especially for someone as good looking as you.’
‘Thank you, Ally, but first I must pass my exams, then I find a good looking man.’
‘I think you will pass next time and maybe we can have some good times together as well,’ I replied.
‘I hope so,’ she answered, now smiling.
Beth and Carol and their new friends had arrived shortly before us and were chatting with the security staff on the quayside before returning to the ship.
‘How was your day, Carol?’ I asked.
‘Fine thanks, we’ve had a great time. It looks as if you two have been out shopping together,’ she said referring to my new dress and the carrier bag I was holding.
‘Ally, you really are beginning to develop your own ‘look’, that dress is exactly right for you,’ said Beth.
‘Thanks, it is nice of you to say so.’
Maria and I exchanged glances and smiled before returning to the ship.
It occurred to me that no one had ever complimented Alex on how nice he looked or his choice of clothing.
That evening the six of us performed for the first time in the theatre on a full-sized stage before a large audience. It went well but I began to realise our limitations as a group. Musically, our performance was pretty good and the audience certainly showed their appreciation, but none of us were first-rate dancers, especially me. Maybe the guys would be able to go on to become full-time professional musicians, but the Bunnies were getting by partly on the basis of our voices and also to some degree on our looks. If I were honest, there were any number of girl groups who were equally as good as we were, many of which had useful contacts in the business. Maybe we might make it as performers for a year or two but it was not going to be a career for any of us.
‘If I want to remain living as Ally in the longer term, I’ll have to find some other means of supporting myself,’ I found myself thinking. This time though I was no longer alarmed by the implications of having such a thought.
After leaving Barcelona we had a day at sea whilst the ship sailed to the south of Sardinia and thence to Palermo in Sicily. We therefore had another busy day with a successful ‘Bunny Hop’ in the morning followed by performances with the guys in the afternoon and the evening. As a result The Bunnies were allowed ashore for a couple of hours in Palermo, whilst the guys helped with a coach excursion. Carol decided to stay on board as she was suffering from period pains but she encouraged Beth and I to go without her. We looked around for a while then gravitated to a café offering free wi-fi.
‘You do look smart these days, Ally. If we’re not careful you’ll be putting the rest of us in the shade,’ commented Beth.
I’d chosen to wear my blue dress once again.
‘I don’t think that’s likely, but if I do look alright it is largely due to my sharing a cabin with Maria. She takes an active interest in how I look and won’t let me leave each morning until she’s satisfied with my hair and makeup,’ I replied.
‘But it isn’t just Maria’s influence; I get the impression that you’re beginning to take a pride in the way you look.’
‘That’s nice of you to say so. I suppose I do so now that I’ve got a reasonable choice of clothes to wear and I’m gradually becoming more competent at putting on my makeup and doing my hair.’
‘You also seem to be more at ease as a girl on this voyage,’ she continued. ‘I don’t think that anyone suspected last time, but you did sometimes seem a little on edge.’
‘I was worried that I might inadvertently give myself away, but I think that’s less likely now.’
‘So now you can sit back and enjoy yourself as a girl.’
I smiled at the thought.
‘I like the way that people treat me as a girl, and find that I’m more friendly and chatty with them. However, I’m getting a little concerned with the longer term implications of what I’m doing?’
‘In what way?’
‘Working as one of the Bunnies is a wonderful summer job, but you and Carol will be going back to University in September and I’ll soon have to make some serious decisions about my future.’
‘Yes I guess so.’
‘Although I send regular emails to my parents, I suspect there may come a time when they either want to talk to me online, or perhaps even decide to come over and meet me. What am I going do then?’
‘You would either have to face them as Ally, or undertake a rapid switch back to Alex.’
I agreed, but at that point neither alternative seemed to be acceptable.
Thanks to Angharad and to Bronwen for proofreading, and to everybody who has left a comment or awarded a kudo. Louise
![]() |
Sometimes it is more important to listen to your inner voice than those around you.
Copyright © 2015 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
After Palermo, we sailed into the Ionian Sea and the Adriatic, calling at Dubrovnik. From there it was a day’s journey before we reached Venice. Life carried on much as before. In the evenings the Bunnies had four stage outfits to choose from so were able to switch them regularly to give more variety to our performances. George and I continued to meet up for a few hours each week where we went through any suggestions for new material from our colleagues in the Bucks or the Bunnies, where necessary working out new arrangements to suit the available voices and instruments. These were normally friendly affairs where we worked well together. On one occasion we’d just stopped for a glass of squash after we’d successfully finished arranging a new version of the Beyoncé song ‘If I Were a Boy’.
‘Don’t you feel a little odd when you are singing that song, Ally?’ asked George.
‘No, why should I?’ I responded, playing dumb but realising what he probably had in mind.
‘Well, despite the way you look, sound and act, you are still a boy.’
My genetic sex was the one topic that George and I had avoided discussing up to that point, partly because he clearly found it a source of embarrassment and there was always a danger that someone might overhear our conversation, although on this occasion there was no one else in the room.
‘Maybe there is a certain irony associated with my singing those words, but the song was suggested by Carol and she’ll be the lead singer when we come to perform it. I’ll be one of the backing vocals.’
I assumed that George would now let the matter drop, but he seemed unwilling to do so.
‘Carol told me that prior to joining the Bunnies in May, you were just an ordinary guy.’
‘If being ‘an ordinary guy’ means having a boring dead-end job, feeling constantly depressed, not knowing what to do with my life, and in denial about my gender identity, then I guess she was right,’ I thought to myself.
‘Carol had no idea what was going on in my head,’ I replied coolly.
He seemed to want to get something off his chest but was struggling to find the right words to do so.
‘It is just that you appear to be so feminine and yet I know that you’re a male. … I don’t know how to react towards you.’
This last comment may have been quite true but it irritated me, all the same.
‘Look George, don’t you think I’ve got enough issues of my own to deal without worrying about any hang-ups you may have concerning your own sexuality? If you can’t cope with the fact that I was born a boy, let’s forget about these sessions and keep our distance from one another.’
Our conversation clearly hadn’t gone the way he’d hoped, but I didn’t know what he wanted me to do, or say. I was who I was.
‘I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to upset you Ally. I enjoy working with you and don’t want to lose your friendship.’
As he said this he lightly touched my hand with his. I looked down at our hands to avoid looking him in the eyes.
‘In that case you’d better learn to accept me as I am,’ I replied, gently removing my hand from his. ‘Now shall we get back to the music?’
‘Jim and Tom have arranged to help out on a coach excursion to the Dolomites when we dock in Venice tomorrow but I’ve never seen the city. I was wondering whether I might join you and the other Bunnies when you go ashore.’
‘I don’t know what Beth and Carol are planning for tomorrow, and there’s also Maria to consider,’ I replied coolly.
‘That’s ok, I expect I’ll have a look around on my own,’ he replied, sounding a little disappointed.
It seemed as if he’d been plucking up the courage to ask me out, but had done so in a rather strange way.
‘I’ll let you know later this evening what we’re planning,’ I said, relenting a little. ‘Now I really think we should get back to the music.’
I wasn’t sure what to make of my discussion with George. Most of the time we got on well together, and I liked him a lot but he’d just broken the cardinal rule about discussing my sex on board the ship. Then he’d followed it up with a rather clumsy request to come ashore with us the following day. Thinking about it afterwards I wasn’t sure whether that request had been directed at me or the three of us? It all seemed a little odd. However, although he’d puzzled and irritated me, I didn’t like to think of him spending the day on shore on his own. I therefore resolved to find out what the others were planning to do in Venice.
After lunch that day Maria and I had our usual English lesson, where I introduced the topic of English idioms.
‘An idiom is a phrase which has a different meaning from the dictionary definitions of the individual words. Unfortunately there are large numbers used in English and foreign learners often find them difficult to understand.’
‘Can you give me some examples?’ she asked.
‘Alright, as we’re on a cruise liner, I will choose some idioms relating to boats and the sea. We might say that someone has ‘missed the boat’ when that person has missed his or her chance to do something important. In this instance it does not mean that they’ve failed to get on board a ship in time. Equally, we might describe someone who is very trusting or childlike as being ‘just off the boat,’ or when they do something that is risky or dangerous we might describe them as ‘sailing too close to the wind.’
‘But why would you say something when you mean something else?’
‘I don’t know why; we describe them as figures of speech, and they occur in many languages although English does contain a large number of examples. New idioms are being introduced into the language all the time.’
‘I think they are there to trick the foreigner who is ‘just off the boat.’
I laughed.
‘Maybe that is so, but there must be some idioms in Spanish.
‘We would say 'estirar la pata' - stretch the leg - when someone dies.’
‘We, in turn, might say ‘kick the bucket.’
She sighed and shook her head at the incomprehensibility of the English language. I continued with my lesson.
‘Sometimes idioms have a very specific purpose. For example, the phrase ‘By the way’ is used when we wish to introduce a new topic to the conversation. For example, ‘I might say to you “By the way, Maria, do you have any plans to go ashore in Venice tomorrow?”’
She used my example as an excuse to digress from the topic of the lesson by treating it at its face value, as if I were asking her a straight question.
‘I have taken a holiday in Venice with my parents two years ago. It is expensive, crowded and smelly city.’
‘It is an expensive, crowded and smelly city,’ I corrected.
‘I prefer to stay on board and study, unless you want me to accompany you.’
‘No, you’re welcome to stay and study, if you wish. I expect I’ll join Carol and Beth and their boyfriends tomorrow. George from the Bucks has also asked if he can come with us as well.’
Maria smiled broadly.
‘That is good! I will not go to Venice with you: I will study my English idioms instead. George can look after you; I do not wish to be the chaperón.
My cheeks flushed at the idea, but I didn’t attempt to persuade her to change her mind. Instead I tried to steer our conversation back to the lesson by picking up on what she’d just said.
‘The English word is ‘chaperone,’ which is similar to the Spanish word, but in an informal conversation, speaking between friends, we might rather use an idiom such as ‘to play gooseberry.’
‘Gooseberry, what is a gooseberry?’
I had no idea of the Spanish word so we had to look that one up in her dictionary.
‘Grosella,’ I announced.
Maria shook her head in disbelief.
‘What game do you play with gooseberries?’
As I’d expected, Carol and Beth were looking forward to spending their day off sightseeing with their new boyfriends - Richard and John. They invited me to join them, but I could see that it was going to be awkward, until I announced that George had asked whether he might come along with us as well. They both seemed pleased by the idea.
‘Yes, of course he can come, Ally, the numbers will be just right,’ said Beth.
‘You’d better warn him, though, that you two may need to snuggle up together in a gondola,’ said Carol with a wink.
George and I quite often exchanged a few words together after finishing one of our performances and did so again later that evening.
‘The Bunnies will be happy to have you come ashore with us with us tomorrow, but Carol and Beth will be bringing their boyfriends who know nothing about my background so there must be absolutely no discussion or reference to my gender – is that clear?’
‘Yes of course, Ally, I promise not to mention the subject.
‘Good! Carol has also asked me to warn you that you and I may end up sharing a gondola, so if that’s going to be a problem for you then you’d better say so now.’
As soon as I said that, I realised that she’d been teasing me. George smiled at this.
‘No Ally, I won’t have a problem with sharing a gondola with you, in fact I’m quite looking forward to it, as long as you don’t rock the boat.’
He had such a sweet smile that I couldn’t stop myself from smiling back.
‘I’m glad!’ I replied. ‘I’ll see you in the morning.’
I made a mental note to pass on one more nautical idiom to Maria.
The following morning I chose to wear the blue sleeveless dress that Maria had given to me together with my black medium heels, as these looked quite classy and were fairly comfortable for walking. My choice of attire, jewellery, hair and makeup all met with Maria’s approval when she gave me a last minute inspection, before I left for what she insisted on referring to as ‘my date.’
‘No Maria, it isn’t “a date”. A date is a social or romantic appointment. This is just six friends going out sightseeing together.’
‘You may know more about the English language than I do, Ally, but I know more about ‘social or romantic appointments,’ than you do,’ she replied with a smile.
In the event we didn’t take gondolas during our visit to Venice. None of the couples involved could afford the eighty euro fare for a forty minute boat ride and although it was suggested that the six of us might share one gondola this seemed to defeat the original object of the exercise. Instead, we took a vaporetto (a water bus carrying about 120 passengers) on a trip down the Grand Canal. At ten euros each for the round trip this was still outrageously expensive for what was involved but you cannot visit Venice without going on the canals. Carol and Beth were helped by their respective escorts as they walked over the gang plank and boarded the boat. George and I were the third couple to board and he took my hand to help me aboard but then let it drop, whereas the two other guys went on to casually slip their arms around the shoulders of their respective partners as they took their seats. I wasn’t quite sure what I felt about this, but was relieved that we were sitting in the back row and so not subject to the observation of the others. Likewise, when it came to getting off, George held my hand until I was safely on the shore but then let it go once again.
We spent most of the morning visiting the sights in the Piazza San Marco including the Basilica di San Marco, and the Palazzo Ducale (the Doge’s Palace). The buildings were fabulous but the crowds of sightseers from all nations were unbelievable. I was slightly irritated that Richard and John seemed to be more intent on impressing my cousin and Beth than they were on appreciating the magnificent architecture before them and that the girls seemed to enjoy this attention. George was a little bit shy and subdued, but like me he did at least take an interest in his surroundings.
At lunch time we stopped for a sandwich and a coffee in a café on the Calle de Fabbri. Like everywhere else, it was outrageously expensive but it did at least provide free broadband so we could download our emails and messages to read later.
‘What are we going to do after lunch?’ asked John.
‘Why don’t we go up the Campanile? The guide book says it gives the best views in Venice,’ said Carol.
‘There was quite a queue outside but it seemed to be moving reasonably fast,’ replied Richard.
‘At eight euros just for a ride in a lift, it seems a little steep,’ commented Beth’.
‘Everything in Venice is expensive,’ said John.
George and I were happy to tag along with the others and so we found ourselves in the queue to take the lift to the viewing deck of the Campanile. As before, we were the third couple in line. Our turn for the lift eventually came and just as we were about to join the four others in the car a couple appeared out of nowhere and took the last two places. Before I could say anything the attendant had pressed the button to close the doors leaving the two of us behind.
‘We’ll wait for you at the top,’ said Beth before the lift disappeared.
However the pressure of crowds on the viewing platform was such that it was not practicable for four people to remain behind to wait for those coming up in the next lift, they were shunted round the viewing platform and on to the next lift down. By the time George and I arrived at the top there was no sign of them. Then my mobile phone rang – it was Carol.
‘Ally, I’m sorry we weren’t able to wait for you at the top, but the crowds up there were ridiculous. If you like we’ll make our way back to the café where we had lunch and wait for you there.’
‘Carol, staying together as a group of six is becoming increasingly difficult, and it’s not as if I’m on my own. Why don’t you four go ahead and do whatever you want to do and we’ll see you back on the ship this evening.’
‘Well if you’re sure?’
‘Don’t worry I’m sure we’ll be fine.’
‘I see,’ she said in a knowing voice. ‘But let me have a quick word with George before you ring off.’
I handed the phone to George who listened for a while, and laughed.
‘Alright then,’ he said, rang off and handed the phone back to me.
‘What was that all about?’ I asked.
‘Carol says that I am to take your hand and not let go until we get back to the ship,’ he said offering me his hand.
‘That won’t be necessary, but don’t worry I’ll be sticking closely with you for the rest of the afternoon.’
Our afternoon in Venice proved to be much more enjoyable when it was just the two of us. George seemed to come out of his shell and was more talkative than he’d been in the morning and in turn I was more responsive. He appeared to know a fair amount about the history of Venice and its Renaissance architecture so we allowed ourselves to take more time and appreciate the beauties of St Mark’s Square, in spite of the crowds. He was witty, without showing off and we had fun chatting about Venice and other things as well. After we came down from the Campanile, we visited the Torre del l'Orologio, and just had time to have an ice-cream before taking a vaporetto back to St Marta, which is the closest stop to the Cruise Terminal.
On our journey back George held on to my hand whilst I walked over the gangplank of the waterbus. This time he didn’t let it go once I was on board, until we were both seated. He then slipped his arm round my shoulders and, without thinking about it, I allowed myself to snuggle up to him, just as Carol and Beth had done with their respective escorts that morning. It was nice to feel his hand gently stroking my hair during the journey back down the Grand Canal. It went through my mind what I would do if he sought to kiss me, and I half hoped that he did do so, although this didn’t seem very likely given the numbers of other people around. I truly thought that my feelings towards him at that moment were not those of a homosexual man, but rather of a heterosexual woman.
George took my hand once again to help me off the boat and held on to it whilst we made our way on foot towards the Terminal. By this time we were being joined by hundreds of other day-trippers returning to their cruise liners. He held my hand until we’d almost reached gangplank of The Fair Maid of Southampton, as we passed a number of tourist coaches on the quayside which were disgorging their passengers. He caught sight of James and Tom getting off one of the coaches and his body language seemed to change. He let go of my hand in order to wave to them and, to my disappointment, he did not take hold of it again afterwards.
‘Shall we wait for the guys to catch us up?’ he asked.
Somehow it was as if the spell had been broken.
‘I’d better not; I have to have a shower and get myself ready for the show tonight, but I’ve enjoyed our afternoon together. I’ll see you later this evening,’ I said.
‘That’s alright, Ally, I’m glad I came,’ he replied.
I hesitated for a moment hoping he might at least give me a farewell kiss on the cheek, but the other Bucks were now in view.
‘Goodbye then,’ I said as I showed my ID card and made my way up the gangplank alone, whilst he waited for his colleagues.
I made my way back to our cabin feeling just as confused about my feelings towards him as I had done the previous day.
Thanks to Angharad and to Bronwen for proofreading, and to everybody who has left a comment or awarded a kudo. Louise
![]() |
Sometimes it is more important to listen to your inner voice than those around you.
Copyright © 2015 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
A few hours after George and I had parted on the quayside the Bunnies were getting ready in our dressing room together with Maria.
‘That was a neat trick that you used to get rid of the rest of us this afternoon, you saucy wench,’ said Carol to me as she was helping me to put on my bunny costume prior to the theatre show that evening.
‘There was no trick involved, this couple came out of nowhere and pushed past us,’ I replied innocently.
‘So what did you do together after you left us?’ she asked.
‘We had a look round some of the sights and had an ice cream before returning to the ship.
‘And did anything interesting happen?’
‘Not really,’ I replied, looking a little sheepish. ‘But I had a good time.’
‘What is saucy wench?’ asked Maria, who was putting the finishing touches to Beth’s makeup.’
‘It is an old-fashioned phrase: it means a young woman with plenty of spirit,’ replied Beth.
‘Brandy spirit?’ asked Maria.
‘No it means espíritu, or carácter distintivo,’ I replied from across the room, now glad of the opportunity to change the subject.
‘I saw you and George holding hands on the quayside, but you did not kiss each other when you parted – that is not what I call saucy wench,’ Maria responded. ‘Maybe you got on the ship in time, but you miss the boat, eh Ally?’
I blushed at her joke made at my expense but I couldn’t fault her on her use of English idioms.
George seemed a little awkward with all three of the Bunnies as we were setting up in the theatre that evening, and avoided any questions from Carol and Beth about the afternoon. However, we all performed well enough as part of the show, and got plenty of applause. I hoped that we could pick things up where they’d been left and perhaps go for a walk together on the top deck where we’d be unlikely to meet anyone else. I therefore hurriedly changed out of my Bunny costume and went looking for him. Unfortunately he disappeared immediately after the show before I had any chance to speak with him and I wondered what the other guys had said to him.
I saw no sign of George the following morning and much the same thing happened after our afternoon show. It was clear that he was now avoiding me and that we’d gone back to square one in terms of our friendship.
‘What’s wrong with George?’ I asked James when I had an opportunity to speak with him alone.
‘I was going to ask you that question, Ally; he’s been acting moodily ever since we got back on board yesterday.’
‘So is it something that I’ve done to upset him?’ I asked.
‘I’ve no idea, Ally, you would know the answer to that one better than me.’
The Bucks were due to accompany one of the other acts that evening and so for once the Bunnies had a night off. Carol and Beth and their friends were making the most of the opportunity and Maria was busy studying a list of English idioms that I’d given to her. I was in a sombre mood so I took my planned stroll round the upper deck alone. It was as if the events of our second cruise had been building to some sort of climax in Venice only to be dissipated immediately afterwards. Maria’s transformation of my appearance and her gift of a new dress had done wonders for my self-confidence as a young woman, but all of this was now undone by the abject failure of my first romantic encounter. Living the life of a young woman had many attractions for me but (to use another nautical idiom) it was not all going to be ‘plain sailing’. There were pitfalls and potential disappointments as well.
The Bunnies would often help one another to get ready for our evening shows with Maria checking up on us afterwards. Due to my new found interest in cosmetics and hair styling (one of the results of my sharing a cabin with Maria over the last two weeks) I’d become competent at getting myself ready and assisting the two others. Thus I was helping my cousin to pin up her hair and put on the bunny ears in our dressing room on the third night after our departure from Venice, whilst Maria was busy putting the finishing touches to Beth’s makeup in the salon.
‘I do like your nails, Ally’ Carol commented, referring to the little pink and white rabbits in different poses currently painted on my finger nails.
I smiled.
‘Thanks; I’m quite proud of them. Maria and I were experimenting on one another with nail art last night, but she’s far more artistic than I am so of course I came away with the better designs.’
Carol then moved on to another subject.
‘From what Maria said the other day it sounded as if nothing much happened between you and George during your afternoon in Venice,’ she began.
‘For a little while on the way back to the ship he seemed to forget whom I really was and we held hands, but he came to his senses as soon as he caught sight of his mates on the quayside,’ I replied, blushing.
‘What did you feel about that?’
I shrugged.
‘I don’t know really. We had fun together during the afternoon and I felt that he was beginning to see me as a person rather than a freak. Maybe I was a little disappointed with the way things turned out afterwards but I guess that’s one of the disadvantages about living as a girl: the guy gets to make the decisions.’
‘Dealing with guys is all a question of practice and experience. I suspect that you and George are actually quite keen on one another, even if he is afraid to admit it to himself.’
‘Maybe you’re right, but don’t you think that my life is already complicated enough as it is without adding further complications?’ I said.
She didn’t answer me directly.
‘So how have things been between the two of you since then?’
‘He seems to be awkward and embarrassed in my company and so we’ve tended to keep our distance from one another when we’re not performing. It’s as if we’ve gone back to the time when he first discovered about Alex. I’m not sure whether I should feel sad or relieved about it.’
‘You’d normally meet one another over the next day or two to discuss possible new numbers for us all to perform.’
‘I know and I’d be happy to work with him any time he asks; but it’s up to him to invite me. I don’t intend to go begging to him,’ I said.
‘Maybe I should have a word with the other Bucks to see if they can persuade him not to be such an idiot, before it starts affecting all our work together.’
‘I’d rather you didn’t, thanks, just in case it makes things worse between us.’
At this point Beth entered the room, looking radiant in her Bunny outfit and with immaculate hair and makeup.
‘I’m done now, Maria is ready to finish off your makeup, Ally,’ she said, ‘although you look pretty good as you are.’
‘I’d better go for my inspection or else she’ll only tell me off, afterwards,’ I said.
‘I’ll come as well as there’s something I’d like to ask you,’ said Carol.
We didn’t attempt to cover our stage costumes as we walked out into the public area of the ship, as it was always good publicity for our show. I enjoyed those times, especially if we were wearing the bunny outfits, because of the admiring glances and occasional wolf-whistles that we received from the male passengers.
‘So what else did you want to ask me, Carol?’
‘I can’t talk now, Ally, but I was wondering whether we might have a quiet conversation together on the upper deck after the show tonight?’
‘Yes, of course, but we can’t very well go outside on deck dressed like this. Shall we go as soon as we’ve changed?’
‘That’ll be fine.’
Two and a half hours later Carol and I stood together on the deserted upper deck looking out to sea. It was a warm clear night with nearly a full moon.
‘So what did you want to talk to me about, Carol?’ I asked.
‘I haven’t said anything to Mum about our conversation last week or the fact that we’re unlikely to be seeing Alex in Waterlooville for some time to come. However, I did speak to her on the telephone before the ship left Venice. She asked me how things were going with you and I told her how well you’d been doing. Mum then said that she’s getting increasingly anxious that your parents will soon discover the truth and then they will blame her for keeping it a secret.
‘Why should that be so?’
‘Apparently there are several film clips of the Honey Bunnies on YouTube, and photographs on Flickr, Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. If your mother or father went looking for an image of me on Google or Pinterest they would be bound to come across one of you as well, most likely wearing your Bunny outfit. What we’ve been doing over the last few weeks isn’t exactly low-profile and we didn’t go out of our way to disguise your name. Also your Mum keeps asking why it is that her friends’ children who are overseas can have regular internet chat sessions with their parents but it seems to be so difficult for her to do with you. Your mother isn’t a fool and it’ll only be a matter of time before she discovers for herself what’s been going on.’
I sighed.
‘I suppose you’re right,’ I replied.
‘So Mum and I feel that the time has come for you to tell your parents what you’ve been doing before they find out for themselves.’
‘I know, but I just need a little more time to work out what I’m going to say to them,’ I replied plaintively.
Carol gave a frustrated sigh.
‘Ally, I‘ve been observing you closely over the last few weeks. You look like a girl, you sound like a girl, and since you’ve moved in with Maria you increasingly act like a girl. I even suspect that you’re beginning to think like a girl as well, although you still have a certain amount to learn in that respect.’
I couldn’t really deny that.
‘But isn’t that what everyone wanted from me when I took on the job?’ I replied.
‘Yes it is, but I don’t think any of us expected things to go quite so far as they have done.’
She hesitated for a moment, as if she’d suddenly realised something.
‘Unless of course, that’s what you always wanted to happen?’
I turned away from her and looked out to sea. I’d made no secret as to how much I’d been enjoying myself in my new role, so it was now difficult for me to deny her observation.’
‘So what, if it was? It’s up to me to decide how to live my life,’ I replied for the first time spelling out what I’d been vainly trying to suppress for so long.
‘Now that I think about it, you did slot into the female role remarkably easily and you adopted a girl’s voice without any trouble.’
‘If I ever tried to sing as a guy my voice sounded mediocre, but I taught myself to sing as a girl and it always sounded better. I would practice at home with a karaoke machine when my parents were out.’
‘Did you dress as a girl as well and wear makeup?'
‘Sometimes, if I knew that they wouldn’t be home for some time. It's because when I am dressed as a guy I feel like a nobody but when I'm dressed as Ally it's the real me.'
‘In that case why don’t you just come clean and tell your parents that you want to live as a girl?’ she asked. ‘You’ve already proved that you could do so successfully.’
There was a pause before I replied.
‘Because the last time I told them, they didn’t believe me,’ I replied.
‘When was that?’ Carol asked, in some surprise.
‘When I was nine years old.’
‘So how long have you felt that you wanted to be a girl?’
There was no point in my pretending any more.
‘For as long as I can remember.’
Carol was not expecting this answer and took a second or two to digest the information.
‘So what did your Mum and Dad say to you when you first told them?’
‘They said it was just a phase and that I’d grow out of those feelings when I reached puberty.’
‘Did you believe them?’
‘They were my parents! I took it for granted that they knew best. I tried my best to put the feelings out of my mind and to concentrate on my school work, hoping that I’d soon begin puberty and become like everyone else.’
‘So what happened?’
‘Nothing much. I never grew as tall as my classmates or developed a deep voice in my early teens.’
‘Was that due to your asthma?’
‘I was suffering quite badly at this time and that was the explanation given by the doctors. My asthma did gradually clear up as I got older and I kept telling myself that one day I would also grow out of these feelings that were always present in the back of my mind, but it never happened. My bones have finished growing so I’ll always be fairly short and slight, but the doctors do say that I’ll gradually develop more masculine facial features because of the testosterone that is being produced by my body so I’ll have the worst of both worlds.’
‘But the testosterone doesn’t appear to have had much impact on your appearance yet.’
‘No I suppose not.’
We were both silent for a while. I wanted to say that I was pleased that I’d never grow into a he-man with broad shoulders, that I was glad to look passable as a young woman. I didn’t need to spell out how much I enjoyed dressing in our stage costumes, especially the bunny outfit, and receiving applause and admiring looks from the audience.
‘The trouble is, Carol, that I’ve never lost those feelings that I should have been born a girl. Then you and Beth invited me to join the Bunnies and from that moment I realised that I was never going to stop feeling the way I did.’
‘So this is partly our fault,’ said Carol a little quietly.
‘No; of course it isn’t your fault. Joining the Honey Bunnies has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. You may have inadvertently fanned the embers that were already there, but in doing so you’ve probably saved my sanity, perhaps even my life.’
‘That sounds a bit melodramatic.’
I turned towards her.
‘Carol, I can’t explain how awful it’s been to be forced into living in a gender role that doesn’t fit and isn’t right for me. It is as if I’ve had to live someone else’s life and prevented from being myself.’
For the first time I’d admitted, both to Carol and more importantly to myself, what had really been going on in my mind. I began to sob. She hugged me.
‘So why don’t you explain all this to your parents, Ally?’
I continued sobbing.
‘You know what my Mum is like; she doesn’t listen to anything she doesn’t want to hear. She’ll just tell me about the sacrifices that they’ve made and how I’m letting them both down.’
‘What about your Dad? How will he react to the news?’
‘All he’s worried about is his job; I guess he’ll think whatever Mum tells him.’
Carol continued to hold me.
‘So what are you going to do about it?’ she asked.
‘I’m going to have to explain to them fairly soon, but I want to do it in such a way that there can be no doubt of the seriousness of my intentions and that any further discussion of the topic will be futile.’
‘So what am I going to say to my mum when I call her next?’
‘I don’t want to cause any upset between Aunt Emma and my parents. Why not tell her that I’ve been invited to stay with my friend Maria, when we next dock at Southampton? That way she can tell the truth about my whereabouts to my parents. But at the same time you can reassure her that I will tell them soon.’
Carol sighed.
‘Alright, I’ll tell Mum that. I’m sure she doesn’t want to get you in to trouble with your parents.
‘Yes, I know.’
‘But what about Beth, would you like me to put her fully in the picture.’
‘I suppose so; she must have guessed much of the story by now. You can tell her what I’ve just told you, if you wish, but I’d rather it went no further at present, especially with the guys.’
‘Of course, it won’t, Ally’.
‘There’s one thing you could do for me, please, Carol.’
‘What’s that?’
‘I can't go back to being a boy, ever, so when you next go home, I would like you to go to the cardboard box under the stairs and pack all of Alex’s clothes into my old suitcase and dispose of them for me please.’
‘How do I do that?’
‘You could take them to a charity shop, if you have time.’
She thought for a moment.
‘No; I’m not prepared to do that for you. You must take responsibility for your future life. I’ll bring them back with me to Southampton so that you can dispose of them instead.’
‘Alright but I don’t want you to bring them on board the ship.’
‘If you’re still sure that is what you want to do, you could always hand them in at the dock gates as being lost property. Eventually they will be disposed of.’
‘Thanks, Carol.’
‘Well good luck, Ally! I think you’re going to be a great girl and I’m pleased to have you as my cousin. I’m sure things will work out for you in the future.’
‘Thanks. I hope you’re right.’
I smiled and took out a tissue from my handbag to dry my tears.
‘So are you feeling better now?’
‘Yes, I’m fine, thanks,’ I replied.
‘Are you coming inside with me?’
‘No, you go ahead; I’ll stay out here for a while and think about what I am going to say to my parents, and when.’
‘Alright but don’t leave it too late,’ she replied and left me to my thoughts.
I wasn’t sure whether she was referring to my staying out on deck or telling my parents that I wanted to spend the rest of my life as Ally, rather than Alex.
Thanks to Angharad and to Bronwen for proofreading, and to everybody who has left a comment or awarded a kudo. Louise
![]() |
Sometimes it is more important to listen to your inner voice than those around you.
Copyright © 2015 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
A couple of hours after my heart to heart talk with Carol, Maria and I were both getting ready to go to bed. I was wearing the nightdress that Beth had given to me and was going through my usual nightly routine of moisturising my face and hands and brushing and tying up my hair. Maria had just finished brushing her teeth. I’d been thinking about my conversation with Carol and what I now intended to do with my life. At last I’d come to a decision.
‘Maria, you once told me that you knew someone who had transitioned from a man to a woman and who was taking female hormones.’
‘Yes, that is my school friend Juan who now lives as Juanita,’ she replied.
‘Where did your friend get the female hormones?’
Maria turned and looked carefully at me.
‘From a doctor in Barcelona, I guess,’ she replied.
‘Would I be able to consult that doctor?’
‘I do not know, Ally. But are you sure you know what you are doing?’
‘Yes, I’m now quite sure. I’ve been thinking seriously about my future over the last few weeks and I’ve decided that I won’t be going back to living as a boy or a man again. I should now begin my permanent transition.’
Maria nodded as if it was an entirely rational decision on my part.
‘You don’t appear to be surprised that I should be considering such a step,’ I observed.
‘No, Ally, I am not surprised. I think it is probably the right thing for you, although of course only you can make that decision. I wondered how long it would take you to recognise that you are not just a female impersonator and that you should have been born a woman.’
‘I’ve always known that ever since I was a young child; it was just a question of accepting to myself that it was so and then facing up to the consequences of that admission.’
‘If you wish, I will contact my friend for you and ask for her advice. I can telephone her when we get to Barcelona again. Maybe we could meet together for tapas, if she is free.’
‘Yes please. I should like to meet her, if she is prepared to talk to me.’
‘I will contact her the day after tomorrow as soon as I can get a signal for my teléfono móvil.
‘Thanks, Maria, but I’d rather that you didn’t mention my plans to the other Bunnies.’
‘Alright, but I think your friends already know that you are ‘transgendered’.’
‘Carol certainly knows and I suspect that Beth will soon do so as well, but I’d prefer to keep any plans to start hormones a secret until I begin my transition and then nobody will be able to persuade me to change my mind.’
‘As you wish, Ally’
My suspicion that Beth would soon also know proved to be true; she came up and had a word after the Bunny Hop the following morning.
‘Carol tells me that you’re now planning to remain as Ally for some time to come,’ she said.
‘Well it looks as if the Bunnies are going to be working for the whole summer and after Maria’s extreme makeover I can’t easily switch back to being Alex, looking the way I do,’ I replied.
‘So will this be only for the summer or perhaps for the longer term?’ she asked.
‘I can’t be sure but the way I feel at the moment, is that I should like the change to be long-term, perhaps even permanent. It rather depends on whether I can get another job and support myself, as Ally.’
‘I can’t say that I’m surprised; you seem so much more at ease as a girl and as time goes on it gets more and more difficult to remember that you were a boy when I met you.’
‘I just hope that my parents will agree with you when they meet Ally for the first time.’
‘You cannot live your life simply to please your parents.’
‘I know and I hope they’ll see it that way. My parents want me to go to University, but I would only consider doing so as Ally.’
‘Well good luck, with whatever you decide to do.’
‘Thanks Beth.’
After that conversation I did my best to avoid any further discussion on my future pending my meeting with Maria’s transgendered friend. However, we eventually docked at the Barcelona Cruise Terminal for the second time on this trip, where a number of our passengers were due to leave the cruise and others join us. As usual, the Bunnies were expected to help organise the disembarkation procedures in the main theatre but afterwards were free to go ashore for rest of the day. Whilst I was occupied with these duties, Maria made the necessary phone call to her friend and then came to find me.
‘Juanita works in a pharmacy near to the Plaça Espanya. They will be closed this afternoon between two and four o’clock and she offers that we meet in a bar nearby at three,’ said Maria.
‘Thank you, Maria, I should like that.’
‘Does your friend speak English?’ I asked.
‘Not very well, but I will translate for you; it will be good practice for me. Is there anything else you wish to do whilst we are in Barcelona this morning?’
‘Don’t you need to visit your parents again this morning?’ I asked.
‘No; not this time. I have told them that I will study for my examination and that I promise to visit them again when we return the week after next.’
‘Now that I’ve decided to live as Ally, I’m going to need another pair of shoes and some more underclothes, although I do not have a lot of money available to spend until we are paid for this voyage.’
‘We will visit Els Encants Vells, where the clothes are not expensive. Also you will get a better price if I speak to them in Catalan.’
I was glad of Maria’s offer to come with me as I knew that Carol and Beth had been invited to go sightseeing with their boyfriends. It would have been a little awkward for me tag along as well without George to make up the numbers. I’d no idea what the Bucks were planning to do this time. We all still got on together as performers but the strained relations between George and I seemed to have created a slight rift between the two groups and we no longer spent much of our free time together. It seemed a pity as previously we’d all got on so well together, before feelings got in the way.
After a few hours of shopping during which I spent a little more money than I’d originally intended in buying myself two pairs of shoes, and various items of underwear, Maria and I made our way by the Metro to the Plaça Espanya. At the appointed time we entered a tapas bar in the Carrer de Sants, nearby, and ordered some soft drinks. A few minutes later a tallish young woman, aged about twenty-two and dressed in black slacks and a pink blouse joined us. Juanita had long black hair tied in a bun. At first sight she passed quite well as a woman although I noticed that there were still slight traces of her masculine origins which had not been entirely obliterated by the two and a half years that she’d been on hormone replacement therapy.
‘Hola Juanita, aquest és el meu amic Anglès Alexandra,’ said Maria, giving the newcomer a kiss on the cheek, and then pointing to me.
She then turned to me and switched to English.
‘Ally, this is my friend Juanita. We will speak together in Catalan and afterwards I will tell you what she says.’
Juanita and I smiled and shook hands with one another and I asked in Spanish whether she would have a drink with us. She asked for an orange juice, so I placed the order with the waiter whilst they began their conversation. As far as I could make out my friend was providing an account of my wish to transition and my need to find a doctor who would be willing to prescribe me the hormones that I was going to need in order to do so. Juanita asked a few questions along the way, and I could perceive that although her looks were ok her voice still needed a little attention to be entirely convincing. Once Maria had finished her account Juanita gave her detailed answer which Maria later translated for me.
‘My friend says that so far you are lucky with your looks and your voice, but you will need to begin to take anti-androgen as soon as possible to stop the testosterone in your body from making you look more like a man. You can do this before you decide if you wish to take female hormones as the effects will not be permanent and will end once you stop taking the tablets.
I already knew this from my investigations on the Internet.
‘Where can I get this anti-androgen?’ I asked.
Maria, knew the answer to this question without referring back to Juanita.
‘There is a drug called Aldactone which is available at most pharmacies. Juanita will sell you some, if you wish, and will give you an address where you can get some more without a prescription.’
‘How much will it cost me?’ I asked.
‘Ninety euros for a three month supply.’
I now regretted that we’d spent most of my ready cash that morning and I would not be paid again until we reached Southampton. On the other hand I was aware that I had a thousand pounds sitting in a deposit account in the U.K., although I’d promised my parents that I’d only use it for something really special.
‘But what could there be more special for me than financing my transition?’ I asked myself, and immediately knew the answer.
‘I have the money available in England, but not with me. Please ask your friend if I can buy them from her when we next visit Barcelona.’
‘I will borrow the money to you, if you wish,’ Maria replied.
I didn’t think it appropriate to correct her English on this occasion.
‘Thank you, Maria. I promise I will repay you as soon as we get to Southampton.’
Maria went to her handbag and gave me a hundred euro note from her purse, which I handed to Juanita. She in turn took three small boxes of pills from her handbag and gave them to me together with my change. As she did so she said something else to Maria in Catalan.
‘You should take one tablet each day,’ Maria translated. ‘There is a leaflet inside which gives detailed instructions, which is in several languages. Once you start to take them you will no longer be able to have sex like a man, but when you stop taking them your body should return to normal.’
‘I understand and that doesn’t concern me.’
I opened one of the boxes and swallowed my first tablet to show them both that I was serious.
‘Now that I’ve started taking the Aldactone, how will I acquire the female hormones that I will need for my transition?’ I asked.
Juanita must have understood my question as she gave another detailed response without waiting for Maria to translate.
‘My friend says that you should consult a doctor when you feel that you are ready to begin taking oestrogen. This is important in the early stages of your transition because the dosage has to be right and it will begin to make permanent changes to your body. Later, once you have worked out the correct dosage you may be able to continue on your own. She knows a specialist in Barcelona who helped her with her own transition. She is very experienced in this field and is also simpatico when dealing with transgender patients.’
‘Please tell Juanita that I’ve been reading about the subject and understand the implications of what I am planning to do. Say that I am ready to begin taking oestrogen as soon as possible.’
Maria translated. Juanita looked carefully at me and must have decided that I knew what I was doing. She wrote a name, address and telephone number on a piece of paper and handed it to Maria.
‘My friend suggests that I should telephone and arrange an appointment for you to see her,’ said Maria.
‘Gràcies Juanita,’ I said offering to shake her hand.
She took my hand and examined my fingernails with the rabbits painted on them. She smiled before saying a few more words of Catalan.
‘Juanita says that, like you, she loved pretty feminine things when she began her transition. She hopes you will be very happy living as a woman.’
I smiled and thanked her for her help and advice.
Maria and her friend spent a few minutes catching up on local gossip whilst we finished our drinks and I thought about the implications of what I’d just done, but had no doubts as to the wisdom of my decision. At a quarter to four Juanita left us to return to her work. Maria then made a couple of telephone calls on my behalf and eventually managed to speak with Dr Concepcion Martinez at her clinic off the Avigunda Diagonal. She spoke quite quickly in a mixture of Catalan and Spanish and so I wasn’t able to follow the entire conversation but it was clear she was arranging an appointment for me.
‘How did you get on?’ I asked, when she had finished.
‘You will see Dr Martinez for one hour appointment in nine days, when we next call at Barcelona. She asked me why you did not go to a British doctor; I explain to her that you work on a cruise ship and that your parents’ home was in Bahrain and so you do not have a British doctor. She will treat you but will charge for her services.’
‘Yes, of course, Maria.’
‘Her English is not very good so she wants you to send her an email, in Spanish, setting out what you wish to discuss with her. I will help you to translate, if you wish.’
‘I’ll think about what I am going to say to her over the next few days at sea. I’m planning to stay on board ship rather than go back to visit my Aunt when we dock in Southampton. Perhaps we’ll have time to translate the email and send it whilst we’re there.’
‘Did you manage to find yourself a new pair of shoes, Ally?’ asked Carol as we were getting ready for the show later that evening.
‘Yes, in fact I ended up buying two pairs, as the shop was offering two pairs for the price of one. By the time I’d bought a couple of bras and pants and some tights, I’d nearly cleared out my bank account, but we should get paid as soon as we get back to Southampton.’
‘So what did you get for yourself?’
‘I bought some blue peep-toed wedges to go with my new dress and a pair of tan court shoes with block heels. I like to have the extra height but these will be more practical than high heels around the ship or when we go ashore.’
‘It sounds as if you’re beginning to build up quite a wardrobe for yourself,’ commented Beth.
‘I still could do with a couple more outfits,’ I replied.
‘That’s what every girl would say,’ commented Carol with a smile. ‘Developing your wardrobe is a never ending task.’
‘Unfortunately any further development will have to wait until we’ve been paid for the voyage,’ I replied.
I now wanted to move the conversation on to another topic before either of them asked what Maria and I had done during the afternoon.
‘So what did you two do in Barcelona?’
‘We went to the amusement park on top of Tibidabo mountain, with Richard and John,’ said Beth. ‘You travel to the end of the dark blue metro line then a tram takes you half way up the mountain. From there you can either walk or else take a funicular railway to the top.’
‘There are wonderful views of the city up there,’ said Carol, ‘you should try it for yourself sometime, Ally, but not when you are wearing your new shoes.’
I smiled and thanked her but thought to myself that the next time I visited the city I would be busy doing other things. I also thought to myself that once I’d begun taking the hormones I would have the courage to face my parents and tell them the truth about what was happening to me and how I’d always felt.
Over the last few days of the voyage I continued to take the Aldactone tablets each day and noticed no adverse side-effects other than needing to go to the toilet more often than normal. I understood that it was intended merely as a preventive and the main changes to my body that I desired would only begin once I’d begun taking the oestrogen. As predicted, I found that it was no longer uncomfortable for me to tuck my penis and scrotum away out of sight so I tended to keep it that way irrespective of what I was wearing. Increasingly I thought of them as unwanted appendages. I also began to wonder about what it would be like to have my own breasts rather than relying on the silicone forms, and how long it would take for them to grow once I’d begun taking oestrogen. Now that I’d at last made the decision, I was impatient to get started as soon as possible.
The Bucks and the Bunnies continued to perform fairly well during the last three days of the cruise but we had sometimes been better and I think that we were all looking forward to taking a break. In my case I wouldn’t be venturing far away from the ship and I was looking forward to beginning the next cruise and returning to Barcelona, where I hoped I would be able to start the next phase of my life. However there was nothing I could do to alter the timetable.
Thanks to Angharad and to Bronwen for proofreading, and to everybody who has left a comment or awarded a kudo. Louise
![]() |
Sometimes it is more important to listen to your inner voice than those around you.
Copyright © 2015 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
As usual, we had a show on the last night of the voyage, and Frank assembled us for a talk afterwards.
‘Congratulations, everyone, on another successful voyage. The passenger feedback from your first cruise and for the first half of this one has been excellent, and I’m sure that the same will apply this time. I’ve been happy with the work of both groups.’
We all thanked him.
‘I won’t be coming on the next few voyages, and will only see you if there are any problems. However, I’ll be receiving regular reports on your performances and will continue to monitor the feedback from the passengers. When you get your pay tomorrow you’ll find that you’ve earned about fifty pounds for each week as overtime, either from the Bunny Hops or else from additional duties as backing musicians in the case of the Bucks. As from next voyage these will be incorporated into your regular duties, but you won’t lose out financially as there will be an additional sixty pound a week discretionary bonus payable on top of your normal wages. This will remain in place as long as you continue to perform well, look smart, and refresh your material at regular intervals. Now have a good break and come back on Saturday refreshed and ready for the next cruise.’
The guys began to pack up their instruments.
‘How about you, Ally, is everything still alright for you?’ he asked.
‘Yes, I think so, thanks,’ I replied, not sure what he was getting at.
‘And you’re happy to continue working on the same basis as before?’
‘Yes, after all I’ve signed a contract for five voyages.’
‘I know, but I was just checking that you were ok and that there had been no problems. I must say that things have gone a lot better than I’d envisaged and the Bunnies, in particular, have been a star attraction.’
Again I thanked him, but felt a little anxious as, for the first time, we’d failed to introduce any new songs to our repertoire over the past week. Nobody, other than ourselves had noticed, but if the stand-off continued between George and myself it would become apparent. I surreptitiously looked across at him, and he looked a little sheepish, but as usual he disappeared as soon as Frank had finished speaking to us. As I left I noticed that Beth was having a serious talk to James.
Carol and I had a brief conversation as we made our way back to our cabins after the pep talk given to us by Frank.
‘So it looks as if we’re all going to be paid more than we expected. Maybe you’ll now be able to buy yourself one of those new outfits that you said you needed the other day,’ she said to me.
‘It would be nice to have something else to wear. Some of the clothes that I inherited from Susan aren’t really right for me’ I replied.
She smiled.
‘You see, Ally, you’re now beginning to develop an eye for what colours and styles you can wear.’
‘Maybe but I’d still be a little unsure if I was out shopping on my own,’ I replied.
‘I think that by now you’d probably be fine, but there would be nothing to stop us from going out shopping together for a couple of hours in Southampton tomorrow morning before I return to Walterlooville, it you wish.
‘What about your new boyfriend, won’t you want to spend some time with him?’
‘No, both of the guys will be taking an early train to London to visit their families for a couple of days.’
‘In that case, I’d like to go shopping with you,’ I replied.
‘We can go as soon as we’re discharged, and then I’ll make my way to the railway station.’
‘I assume that Aunt Emma knows that I won’t be coming back to Waterlooville this time,’ I said.
‘Yes, but she thinks that your mother isn’t going to be at all happy when she discovers that you aren’t there to speak to her.’
‘There would be nothing to stop her from ringing me on my mobile phone whilst I’m in the UK,’ I replied.
‘Why don’t you ring her first, as soon as we dock?’
‘I suppose that way I could always use the excuse that it was expensive and so keep our conversation fairly brief.’
Beth caught up with us following her conversation.
‘What were you talking to James about?’ asked Carol.
‘I’ll tell you later,’ she replied.
‘I’ve agreed to go shopping with Ally in Southampton tomorrow morning, before getting the train to Portsmouth. Would you like to come as well?’
‘Alright then, as we’ve all now got some extra money to spend.’
By this time I’d reached the cabin that I shared with Maria.
‘Goodnight then, let’s meet up together as soon as we're discharged tomorrow morning,' I said.
Maria had recently been doing very well with her daily English lessons and I found myself correcting her grammar or suggesting more appropriate words less and less during our everyday conversations. However, her forthcoming examination would also involve both Spanish/English and English/Spanish translations. Thus the long email that I intended to send to Dr. Martinez would provide good practice for her. My draft in English detailed my background and my wish to be a girl that I’d had since an early age – in fact from as far back as I could remember. It also spoke of my parents’ denial of the validity of my feelings and my vain attempts at suppressing them during my early teens and consequent feelings of depression. I told her that I’d been successfully living and working as a young woman for several months (which was a little bit of exaggeration but sounded more convincing than the six weeks that I’d been living as Ally). I ended by saying that I was certain that I wished to undertake a permanent transition and to live as a woman as soon as possible. I was approaching her as I’d been told that she had a lot of experience in this field and was sympathetic to the needs of people such as myself. I therefore hoped that she would be willing to accept me as her patient.
I’d handed over the draft to Maria who was working on the translation as I entered.
‘This is going to take me some time to translate into Spanish, but maybe I will have it ready for you tomorrow evening, Ally.’
‘There’s no great hurry. I shall be going ashore with my cousin tomorrow morning to do some shopping. When I return I’ll be able to repay you the money that I owe to you, from my deposit account. I'll also withdraw enough to make sure that I can pay Dr. Martinez when I see her next week and to buy the hormones which I’ll hope she’ll prescribe for me.’
Maria smiled.
‘I have already promised to go to visit my parents on that day so I won’t be able to go with you to see her next week, but I’m sure that between you will be able to understand one another.’
‘I hope so. I must say that your spoken English has been getting a lot better recently.’
‘Thank you, Ally; that is thanks to your efforts as a teacher. Your abilities with your hair and makeup are also improving, although I did notice that you have lost one or two of your eyelash extensions, so maybe it will be time to do a little maintenance on your eyelashes and eyebrows when we reach Southampton?’
‘I thought they were supposed to last eight to ten weeks.’
‘Each extension will last as long as the eyelash it is attached to, I cannot say how long any lash will last. We do a little maintenance every three to four weeks, that way you can keep a full set of lashes.’
‘Alright, I do like having the long lashes.’
‘Yes I have noticed.’
The West Quay shopping centre in Southampton lies midway between the cruise terminal and Southampton Central railway station. Carol and Beth therefore agreed to accompany me there for an hour or so and help me to choose myself a new outfit before they travelled on to Waterlooville. Although I’d spent a few hours shopping dressed as Ally, with Carol and her mother in Portsmouth and had been out with Maria in Barcelona, I was still conscious that I lacked experience in this basic area of life. After all, most girls begin to take an interest in clothes and shopping in their early teens and some even before that. On our way to the shopping centre we had some discussion of my immediate and long term wardrobe needs and I was offered advice about the look I should be aiming for.
‘Given your long hair, and eyelashes and fancy nails together with the fact that you regularly wear makeup, I think you need to aim for clothes that enhance your classic ‘girly’ look,’ suggested Carol. ‘As you gain more confidence and experience you’ll be able to adapt it and refine it to suit yourself.
I didn’t argue this point.
‘So where do we begin?’ I asked as we glanced at the list of shops at the entrance.
‘There’s a branch of ‘Karen Millen’, on this level and a ‘Miss Selfridge’, upstairs; they will normally have a good range of items suitable for our age group,’ suggested Beth.
‘’Karen Millen’ can be quite pricey, let’s begin with ‘Miss Selfridge’, suggested Carol.
After ten minutes of going through the display racks I came upon a skater style dress in light blue with a bold floral print. I knew from Maria’s dress that blue suited me.
‘What do you think of this one Beth?’ I asked, holding it up in front of me.
‘I like it but I suggest you try it on and have a look at yourself before making up your mind.’
I did as she suggested and took it to a cubicle. The dress appeared to fit me and felt comfortable to wear.
‘So what do you think?’ I asked my companions as I emerged from the changing cubicle.
‘It looks very nice on you,’ Beth responded.
‘Don’t you think it might be a bit too short?’
‘That‘s the fashion these days. You’ll probably need to buy some opaque tights to go with it and you’ll have to take care to bob rather than bend down in future so as not to show your all to the world.’
‘You don’t have to decide now, I suggest you should mark it down as a definite ‘maybe’ whilst we see what else is available,’ suggested Carol.
After a further ten minutes I couldn’t see anything else that I liked better in Miss Selfridge so we went downstairs to have a quick look in ‘Karen Millen’. As expected, most of the stock was out of my price range but they were having an early summer sale.
‘How about this one?’ asked Beth.
She’d taken off the rail a soft and feminine looking pink/red dress with a polyester lining and a pink patterned lace overlay. It was of a fairly short length, with the hem coming just above my knee and had three quarter length lace sleeves. It looked cool to wear. It was being offered at half its list price, although that was still nearly double what I’d have to pay for the skater dress.
‘It’s very nice but don’t you think it looks a little bit too dressy for me?’ I asked.
‘No, not at all, you’ll want something to wear on special occasions.’
‘But I’ve already got that blue dress that Maria gave to me.’
‘Maybe, but that is a sleeveless day dress. This one is more suitable for the evenings; it’s the sort of dress you might wish to wear on a date,’ she said.
‘But I don’t go on dates.’
‘Maybe not at present, but there’ll come a time when you do.’
I didn’t respond. My first attempt at going out as Ally had been a disaster.
‘Well at least try it on before you make any decision,’ said Carol.
I did as she suggested and emerged from the changing room a few minutes later and looked at myself in a full length mirror.
‘I suppose it does look good on me and feels nice to wear as well,’ I said as I turned to look at myself from different angles.
‘Of course it does, you look lovely in it.’
‘But I don’t think I’d get as much wear from it as I would from the other one.’
‘I think you should buy both of them,’ said Carol. ‘If you’re going to live full-time as a girl you’re going to need a range of different clothes. These two will make a useful supplement to your existing wardrobe.’
‘But if I do so, I’m not going to have a lot of spending money left for the next voyage.’
‘In that case you’d better find yourself a boyfriend who is willing to treat you,’ said Beth with a smile.
Again, I ignored that comment as I’d no wish to get involved with further discussions about my abortive friendship with George, but I could see that Carol had a point. Also I did like the dress.
‘Alright then, I’ll get them both,’ I said returning to the changing room.
Carol and Beth remained with me whilst I bought both of the dresses and one or two other necessaries using my ‘chip and pin’ debit card, so there was no danger of any shop assistant questioning why a girl would be using Alexander Fletcher’s bank account. They also bought one or two items for themselves before they left me to make their way to the railway station and thence home for a few days leave.
‘I’ll ring your Mum when she gets home from work tonight and explain exactly what I’m doing, and why,’ I said.
‘Yes please do that,’ responded Carol. ‘I hope you have a good time, and I’ll see you on Saturday evening.’
‘You too, and don’t forget about bringing back Alex’s clothes for me,’ I said.
‘Why do you want them?’ asked Beth.
‘So I can get rid of them,’ I replied.
‘Alright, as long as you know what you’re doing,’ said Carol.
‘Yes, I’m quite sure that I do,’ I replied.
Once they’d left me I found a branch of my local bank, and using the cash machines in the lobby, I transferred the contents of my deposit account to my current account and then withdrew five hundred pounds in cash. This would enable me to repay Maria and cover the costs of my initial consultation with Dr Sanchez. It might even cover my first supply of hormone tablets.
Maria approved of my two main purchases when I took them back to the ship and modelled them for her after lunch.
‘They are both very nice, Ally.’
‘I’m not sure when I’ll get an opportunity to wear the pink dress, though,’ I said.
‘Don’t worry, there will be plenty of occasions in the evenings when you are not performing or when we all go ashore together.’
‘I hope so.’
‘The salon will be closed tomorrow morning and I will have free use of the equipment. Shall I fix your eyelashes and check your arms and legs for any hairs.’
‘You seem to spend a lot of your time helping me Maria, is there anything I can do for you in exchange?’
‘Yes, you can keep teaching me English and correct me when I go wrong’.
‘Yes, I will do so but I notice that your spoken English has been improving recently, and there have been very few mistakes in your exercises recently.’
‘That is good, and you are looking better now as well, so we are having a good influence on one another. I have also finished translating your email to Dr Sanchez.’
‘Did you understand all of my language?’
‘Yes, I think so; there were a few words that I needed to look up.’
We went through her translation together and there were only a few minor amendments or clarifications to be made before it could be sent off to her. I also attached a couple of image files taken from the publicity photographs of me performing. I sent these to demonstrate that I had already spent some time living as a woman and would have no difficulty in continuing to do so. Later that evening I telephoned my Aunt Emma and explained why I wasn’t coming back to Waterlooville this time. She wanted to be friendly and helpful to me, and referred to me as Ally, but was clearly getting increasingly anxious about the situation.
‘I’ve noticed quite a few photographs of you on the Internet these last few days. You all look very nice in your bunny outfits but I just wonder how your mother is going to react when she finds out, as she is bound to do.’
‘I know, Aunt Emma, and I will tell her soon, it’s just a question of finding the right moment to do so.’
‘She’ll be expecting to have another Skype session with you tomorrow. What am I going to say when she contacts me afterwards to say that there was no response from you?’
‘Don’t worry I’ll telephone her early tomorrow morning to explain that I am visiting a friend and so I won’t be available to receive her call, although I will keep in touch by email.’
‘I suppose that at least I’ll be able to say truthfully to her that I haven’t seen you this time but I’ve no idea how she is going to react when I do so,’ said my Aunt as I signed off.
As promised, I telephoned Mum the next morning, keeping the call as brief as possible and citing the high cost of overseas calls from mobile phones as my excuse. I explained that I wouldn’t be going to Waterlooville to receive her Skype request as I’d been invited to stay with my friend Maria in Southampton. I assured her that I was fine, there were no problems and that I would keep her informed of my progress by email, as usual. She didn’t sound too pleased with the arrangement but there was not a lot she could do from Bahrain.
Thanks to Angharad and to Bronwen for proofreading, and to everybody who has left a comment or awarded a kudo. Louise
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Sometimes it is more important to listen to your inner voice than those around you.
Copyright © 2015 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Once I’d finished speaking on the phone to my mother I went with Maria to the salon where she repaired my missing eyelash extensions. She also did some minor maintenance to my hair and eyebrows, but in most other respects declared herself to be happy with the way I looked. Over the last three weeks I’d been quite meticulous in keeping my skin moisturised, checking for and removing any signs of unwanted bodily hair and in keeping my fingernails in good shape and found that I quite enjoyed the evening and morning routines involved.
‘That is good, Ally, you are learning to look after your appearance. In about a week from now I will show you how to touch-up your hair roots before your natural colour becomes visible, but that is all.’
‘Could we do that the night before I see Dr Martinez in Barcelona, as I’ll want to look my best.’
‘Yes, if you wish. I will now have time to go ashore and do a little shopping for myself this afternoon,’ she said as she was putting the finishing touches to my hair.
‘I can come with you, if you’d like me to,’ I offered.
‘No, that will not be necessary, thank you.’
Maria’s reply surprised me because she was normally happy for us to spend time together. However, I didn’t mind too much as I had plenty of things that I wanted to do. Now that I had ready access to the internet via my dongle, I was anxious to use it as much as I could. There was so much that I wanted to discover about my future life as a girl. It was as if I’d been living in a parallel world where only music had been the redeeming feature in what was otherwise a rather dull and grey existence. Now I was being given the opportunity to move over to a world of bright colours, nice smells and pleasant textures, where people were kind and supportive to one another. It was a world in which I should have grown up, if only I’d had the courage to follow my own instincts rather than accept that my parents knew best. There was no question in my mind about the rightness of my proposed action but I needed to find out about the medical, social and legal aspects of my planned transition. I needed to know how it might impact upon my future employment and education prospects. I wanted to learn from other people’s experiences and their mistakes. I needed to know everything that I could before I told my parents what I intended to do.
As soon as Maria left, I settled down to surfing the Web using my laptop, trying to find as much information as I possibly could about different aspects of my proposed transition. I realised that once I started with hormone replacement therapy, there would be no going back, but that did not worry me. It was the right course of action for me and I was only sorry that I’d allowed myself to be dissuaded from exploring the possibility before this time. However I wanted to know the implications for me both in the short term and longer terms. Also I wanted an idea of the likely timetable what other medical interventions might be required? I wanted to learn how others in my situation had explained their decision to their families, and how they in turn had reacted? What were the legal implications of my deciding to live as a woman, and how would I go about changing my name and documentation? There was so much for me to discover that I did not try to read everything I came across but rather downloaded the longer files and documents to read during the next voyage when I no longer had regular access to the internet.
By about four o’clock I was completely immersed in my subject and amazed at how much useful information I was finding, and so I was a little cross when there was a knock on my cabin door. I opened it and was surprised to find George standing there looking rather awkward.
‘Hi, Ally, I w-wonder whether I might have a word with you?’ he asked.
As a result of Maria’s attentions that morning, and the fact that I had on my new skater-style dress bought the previous day, I was looking quite presentable. This knowledge gave me more confidence to deal with an unexpected situation.
‘I suppose so,’ I replied. ‘You’d better come inside and sit down.’
He looked distinctly embarrassed but I wasn’t in the mood to help him out with any preliminary small talk.
‘Well?’ I asked.
‘Ally, I know that things haven’t been too good between us over the last ten days or so,’ he began.
‘I don’t recall that I’ve had any problems with you, George, other than that you’ve been behaving rather oddly towards me,’ I responded.
‘Yes, I guess so.’
‘So what did you want to say to me?’ I asked, not exactly sighing, but he must have been aware from the tone of my voice that this was not the most convenient time for this conversation.
‘If this isn’t a good time, maybe I could come back,’ he began.
‘No, you’re here now; what can I do for you?’
He seemed to be struggling to find the right words, but then seemed to change tack completely.
‘Perhaps we could go out for a meal together this evening and discuss things then?’
This wasn’t the answer I’d been expecting.
‘No, I don’t think so, George; I never know how you’re going to behave towards me. One minute you seem to be friendly and the next minute you cut me dead. So if there‘s something you need to say to me, or we need to discuss, let us sort it out here and now, in private. That way I can ask you to leave, if necessary. I’d rather do that than being forced to make a scene in a restaurant by walking out on you.’
‘Wow where did that come from?’ I asked myself. ‘I really am getting more confident as Ally.’
But I was also beginning to feel quite angry with him.
‘It’s just that you look so nice these days and act so like a girl.’
‘Is that supposed to be a compliment or a complaint?’
He ignored my question.
‘… and I don’t know how I should react to you.
‘Maybe you should have thought about that before you asked to come out with us in Venice, you must have known that you and I would probably end up together.’
‘I know, and we had a good time together, but I suppose I got worried about the way I was feeling towards you.’
‘I think you were more frightened of what other people might think of you to be seen out with a transgendered woman.’
He blushed and looked ashamed of himself.
‘Yes, maybe you’re right.’
‘If I look and behave like a girl, it is because that’s what I really am inside. There may be some superficial external issues relating to my body which I’ll need to address in the coming months, but those are my business.’
‘Yes, I realise that.’
‘I wasn’t expecting to have an on-board romance with you or to end up sharing your bed, but I think I deserved to be treated with a little more respect.’
‘Yes, I know; you’re right. I think you look lovely as a girl and I also admire you as a performer and a musical arranger.’
‘So you say. In that case why don’t you want us to work together as we used to?’
‘I do want us to work together.’
‘So why have you been avoiding me?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Well, at the moment I’m not sure what I feel about you, George. I used to think that I liked you but recent incidents of moral cowardice towards me have not put you in a particularly good light. As you already know, I admire you as a musician and would like us to continue working together, if we can. However, if you really cannot cope with spending time with a transgendered woman then we should have a meeting with all six of us to discuss what is to be done before it starts affecting all our work.’
He looked abashed by what I’d said.
‘The others have already spoken to me on that subject, last night.’
‘Which others?’
‘The guys and the other two Bunnies.’
This came as a surprise to me. Nobody had mentioned such a meeting to me.
‘What did they say?’
‘That I should either sort things out with you or else consider leaving the group and they would find another keyboard player.’
‘They would be hard put to find a better one,’ I said in a slightly more conciliatory voice. ‘But what did they say about me?’ I asked.
‘They said that you weren’t the problem – I was.’
‘Is that all?’
His cheeks went red and he looked towards the floor.
‘No, Carol said that it was clear that I fancied you and that you liked me, so we should both stop acting like a pair of fools and do something about it.’
I smiled at Carol’s bluntness but also blushed to think of myself as the subject of such a discussion.
‘What did the others say to that?’
‘Nothing, but I think they agreed with her.’
I didn’t respond immediately, trying to think about what to say. Most of my anger had now dissipated but I now regretted our afternoon together in Venice, although at the time it had been good fun. Before then things had been going alright between us and it was only afterwards that they turned sour.
‘Maybe we were both trying to ‘do something about it’ in Venice,’ I commented quietly. ‘But you asked if you could join us, if you remember, but then you chickened out at the last minute.’
‘I know, and that’s why I wondered maybe we could try again tonight without any of the others looking on?’
‘I’m sorry George but I’ve no money left to go out with you tonight.’
‘It will be my treat, I’d like to take you to dinner and then maybe we could go on to a club.’
I hesitated, unsure what to do, and so temporarily changed the subject.
‘So this has all been one big conspiracy then.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Carol and Beth persuaded me to buy a new dress yesterday, the guys arranging a meeting with you last night, then Maria leaving me on my own this afternoon – it all fits together.’
‘Well if there has been a conspiracy, it hasn’t involved me,’ he replied.
‘No, I can see that.’
‘So what do you think, Ally? Shall we go out together tonight?’ he asked again.
‘I don’t know. Our afternoon in Venice ended fairly disastrously; going out for a meal together might make things even worse between us.’
‘Can’t we just go out as any boy and a girl might do and just see what happens?’
I wasn’t sure how to respond, but at least he seemed now to be thinking of me as a girl.
‘Maybe we should take things slowly at first, without any commitment on either side. However, if you agree for us to resume working together again as two adults, then I’ll be happy to go out to dinner with you tonight. But perhaps we should leave the club for another time.’
He looked quite relieved.
‘Agreed, and I’m truly sorry about what happened after our afternoon out in Venice together.’
‘Me too! In fact you didn’t even give me a goodbye kiss,’ I said with a small laugh.
‘Would you like it now?’
I hadn’t meant it that way, but if I was going to kiss a guy for the first time, I might as well do so now, when no one else was watching.
‘Alright then, and depending upon how well you perform, I’ll decide whether or not I want to go out with you tonight,’ I replied with a shy smile.
We stood up and he took my hand and I allowed myself to be taken into his arms. I closed my eyes as our lips and then our tongues gently caressed one another. I’d never engaged in a passionate kiss with anyone before but it somehow felt right for me to do so. From the bulge that I could feel in his trousers, I guess that George felt the same way himself. By this time I’d been taking Aldactone for the last five days so there was no comparable stirring between my legs, but I did feel a wave of pleasure flow through me all the same.
I’d no great desire to bring our embrace to an end but after a minute or two the cabin door opened and Maria walked in, carrying her shopping. Immediately we sprang apart and both looked slightly embarrassed.
‘I am sorry, I come back later,’ she said.
‘No Maria, please stay,’ I replied, ‘George was just about to leave.’
I then turned to George and smiled,
‘So what time do you want to collect me this evening?’
He looked very happy.
‘How about seven thirty?’
‘That’ll be fine, I’ll look forward to it,’ I replied with a smile.
He left us without a further word.
As soon as the door closed Maria turned to me with a grin.
‘I am sorry Ally, I should have left a little more time for you to finish your embrace.’
‘You knew that he would be coming to see me this afternoon, didn’t you?’
‘Yes; your cousin rang me last night to say that I should make sure that you were looking your best and to leave you on your own for the afternoon. You appear to have made better use of the opportunity this time.’
‘Maybe; I’m not sure, but we are going out together tonight.’
‘Yes, I noticed that you were not sure. I believe that you are now a ‘saucy wench’.’
I laughed.
‘I suppose you are right, and what is more, I’ll have an opportunity to wear my new dress to prove it.’
On this occasion there was no argument between Maria and myself about whether or not my proposed dinner with George constituted ‘a date’ in the ‘romantic appointment,’ sense.
On Saturday afternoon I received a phone call from Carol.
‘Hi Ally, where are you?’
‘I’m on board, in my cabin.’
‘We’re at the dock gates and I’ve brought your suitcase containing all of Alex’s clothes, so you’d better come ashore and decide what you are going to do with them.’
‘Thanks, Carol, for all your trouble.’
‘You’re lucky that Beth’s Dad had offered to drive us both here, otherwise there might have been some awkward questions to answer from Mum.’
I joined them both at the Quayside, where I removed the address label from the case and quickly checked through the contents to make sure that it contained nothing that might identify me. I locked it shut using the combination lock.
‘So what are you planning to do with the case now, Ally?’ asked Beth.
‘Get rid of it of course. There will be no more trace of Alex after today.’
‘Are you sure you know what you are doing?’ asked Carol.
‘That’s a good question coming from someone who talked me into buying a dress the day before yesterday and then fixed me up with a date last night,’ I replied.
‘So you and George went out together last night,’ said Carol looking pleased with herself. ‘That’ll be a relief to everyone. So how did you get on? Have you sorted things out between yourselves?’
‘I believe so,’ I replied.
‘So what else happened?’ asked Beth.
‘What happens in Southampton, stays in Southampton,’ I replied, with a smile.
‘You will be staying in Southampton, in A&E, if you don’t at least give us a clue as to what happened last night, after we’ve lugged this case over here for you.’
‘Well George and I have agreed to be friends once again and we’ll also be working together on some new arrangements for us all.’
‘Good, but that isn’t all, is it?’
‘We’re going to play things by ear as to whether or not we want to take things any further but without any commitment on either side. We’ve arranged to go out together when the ship docks at Gibraltar in a couple of days, but there will be other times, such as when we visit Barcelona, when we will want to go our own way and do our own things. The main point is that he has promised to start treating me like a girl in future rather than trying to avoid me all the time.’
‘Good! Did he kiss you this time?’
‘Maybe, once or twice,’ I replied blushing.
By this time I’d started walking over to the luggage hall, opposite to the ship’s berth, taking my case, as I didn’t want to go in to any more detail about the events of the previous night. The guy behind the counter recognised me as a member of staff.
‘What can I do for you, love?’ he asked?’
‘This case has been found outside on the dockside. It’s locked and there appears to be no identification on it.’
‘You’d better put it through the scanner so we can make sure that it doesn’t contain anything dangerous or illegal,’ he instructed.
I did as he said. He carefully checked the screen
‘It seems to be alright, it only contains clothes. Put it over there in the corner, please’, he said indicating one or two other forlorn looking items of luggage.
I did as he said.
‘What happens to lost property?’ asked Carol.
‘If no one has claimed it within a week we’ll send it to the central lost property office. They’ll keep it for a few more weeks and eventually dispose of it.’
‘By the time we get back to Southampton there will no longer be any trace of Alex,’ I quietly said to my companions as we left and boarded the ship in preparation for our third voyage.
‘So when are you planning to notify your Mum and Dad?’ asked Carol.
‘I know that it will have to be soon, but I have some business to complete in Barcelona first,’ I replied.
Thanks to Angharad and to Bronwen for proofreading, and to everybody who has left a comment or awarded a kudo.
Progress report (for anyone who may be interested) - Chapters 19 & 20 are ready for posting over the next two weeks. Chapters 21-24 are written and are with the editors. Chapter 25 is half written but I'm currently negotiating with my characters whether to finish there or continue for a little longer!
Louise ;-)
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Sometimes it is more important to listen to your inner voice than those around you.
Copyright © 2015 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
George and I made up for lost time during the first few days at sea of our third cruise – at least we did so in terms of our working relationship. We had several sessions together during which we worked out arrangements for a number of new songs which we later introduced to the others. We worked well and often had a laugh together and our past awkwardness seemed to be forgotten. He was no longer frightened of physical contact and so he would sometimes put his arm around me or we would exchange a friendly kiss if he walked me back to my cabin after one of the evening shows. This somewhat more relaxed atmosphere showed up in our performances which were better than they’d been of late. We even began to organise an amateur choir among the staff and crew of the ship with the idea of getting them to a good enough standard to be able to perform in front of an audience, perhaps making a collection for charity. I strong-armed Maria to take a break from her studies and come along to the rehearsals, whilst Carol and Beth encouraged their boyfriends to do so as well. Relations between the Bucks and the Bunnies also improved and the other guys in the band treated me no differently from Carol or Beth. We would often take our meals together, especially when Carol and Beth’s boyfriends were on duty and on these occasions Maria was treated as an honorary Bunny and we all tried to help her with her English.
Having an acknowledged ‘boyfriend’ on board, just like Beth and Carol, was useful to me as it meant that other guys in the crew were less likely to try their chances. As before, we all three received compliments from passengers of both sexes and sometimes indulged in a little mild flirting with the guys. However any invitations, no matter how innocent they might seem at first sight, were politely turned down.
In other respects things carried on much as they’d done on the previous voyage with the Bunny Hops held in the mornings when we were at sea followed by my giving Maria an English-language lesson after lunch and our regular performances during the afternoons and the evenings. With more clothes to choose from and more experience in dealing with my hair and makeup I began to take more responsibility for the way I looked when we were not performing. Maria was less likely to criticise my appearance although she continued to offer occasional helpful hints. She, in turn, continued to make good progress with her English language and was now far more confident than she’d been when she started.
As previously arranged, George and I went ashore together for a few hours when the ship called at Gibraltar on the outward journey. We took a cab to the Jews Gate and began the hour and a half long ascent of the Mediterranean steps, admiring the wonderful foliage as we went. It was hard work, especially upon my knees and I was glad that I was wearing sensible shoes, had bought myself a straw hat and that we’d both brought some drinking water. However, once we had reached the end of the trail the truly stunning sea views made it all worthwhile. We remained seated for twenty-minutes or so admiring the view, with his arm round my shoulders and my head resting on his but we both had things to do during the afternoon, so soon began to descend and make our way back to the ship. It was an innocent enough excursion, but this time we held hands as we walked along the quayside and exchanged a kiss when we parted at the top of the gangplank without worrying about who might be looking on. I don’t think either of us was madly in love with the other or felt there was likely to be a long term relationship between us, but I was enjoying being a girl and it was turning into a pleasant summer interlude, all the same.
I made my way to our cabin where Maria was waiting for her daily English lesson. On this occasion our roles were going to be reversed and she had promised to act the part of Dr Martinez, and I would attempt to explain to her, in Spanish, about my lifelong wish to be a girl and why I now wanted to begin hormone replacement therapy. I had been studying Maria’s translation of my email, which covered most of the points that I wanted to make. She asked me a few supplementary questions when I was not being clear or felt that the Doctor might require more information. By the time that Maria had to return to her work I felt I’d done as much preparation for the forthcoming interview as I could.
‘I haven’t mentioned my plans to any of the others, and I’d prefer not to do so, at least until after I have seen the doctor. Can you think of an excuse for me to explain why I would want to go ashore on my own?’ I asked.
‘Why not tell the others that you have been invited to take la comida with my parents again. That way, we would take the Green line metro together but you can get off at Diagonal and I will continue to my home at Vallcarca?’ she suggested. ‘After you have finished you can telephone me to arrange for us to meet before we return to the ship together.’
‘Thank you, Maria; that will be helpful.’
We had one full-day at sea after Gibraltar arriving at Barcelona in the evening and docking, to enable the passengers to disembark first thing in the morning. That evening we were getting ready for our performance as usual.
‘Do you have any plans to go ashore with George tomorrow?’ asked Beth.
‘No the Bucks are planning to do their own thing this time, and I’ve been invited to lunch with Maria’s parents.’
‘I hope you have a good time.’
What are you two planning?’ I asked.
‘The guys have promised to take Carol and me for a surprise treat tomorrow.’
‘I hope it will be a nice surprise for you both.’
After our evening show I went straight back to our cabin with Maria where she showed me how to touch up my hair roots.
‘I will not always be around to help you, Ally, so you should learn how to do this for yourself. It is not difficult to do, but you need to take precautions by wearing an old tee shirt and using the gloves that you will find in the packet.’
I did as I was instructed. She then told me how create a parting in the centre of my hair and to mix the dye before applying it to my hair using the applicator provided. I then proceeded to massage it into my roots. She showed me how to do this on the first occasion and then watched as I created further partings and applied more dye until eventually there was no longer any trace of the darker roots and my hair colour was even and looked quite natural.
‘Have you decided what you are going to wear when you see Dr Martinez tomorrow?’ she asked.
‘Not really. I want to look feminine and smart to convince her that I am serious about my plans but I do not want to go over the top with the glamour.'
‘Ah yes, that is an idiom?’ said Maria. It means the same as ‘getting carried away’ or ‘going too far.
‘So in English you have idioms to replace other idioms – why don’t you just say what you mean?’
‘I don’t know, Maria.’
‘I think you should wear the blue dress that I gave to you and the blue wedges. You will then look both smart and sensible.’
‘Alright then, I am always happy to take your advice.’
‘Now it is time to wash the dye from your hair and put on some conditioner. I will then put it in rollers so that tomorrow we will have you looking your best.’
Twelve hours later Maria gave me a hug as our Metro train arrived at Diagonal station.
‘Good luck, Ally. You look very smart today.’
‘I may look alright but I’m feeling pretty nervous. Thank you for all your help, Maria, you have been a good friend to me.’
‘Do you have your local SIM card in your phone?’ she asked.
(Because we were regular visitors to Barcelona the Bucks and the Bunnies had all invested in local SIM cards as it worked out so much cheaper to make calls between ourselves avoiding the mobile roaming charges.)
‘Yes, I have plenty of credit.’
‘Please telephone me when you are finished with Dr Martinez.'
The clinic was a couple of streets away from the metro station so I was in plenty of time for my appointment. I introduced myself to the receptionist and was asked to take a seat. After waiting for ten minutes or so, I was approached by a motherly looking, but smartly dressed woman in her mid-fifties who invited me to come in to her office and take a seat. There is not a lot of point in my trying to repeat verbatim the rather tortuous conversation that we had with her imperfect English and my broken Spanish, but we understood one another. In this respect Maria’s translation of my email was an enormous help in answering most of her questions. I explained that I had begun taking an anti-androgen but was anxious to begin taking oestrogen under medical supervision as soon as possible. She asked me how much I knew about the effects of taking oestrogen on my body, and I explained that I fully understood the risks and long term effects of taking hormones but was certain that it was the right course for me. She nodded and did not seem particularly surprised. She then asked whether I fully understood the implications and potential problems associated with transitioning and spending the rest of my life as a woman: that there would be economic, legal and social as well as medical issues to be dealt with. In this respect my copious background reading came to my aid and I was able to convince her that I fully understood what I was doing. Once again, she was not surprised that I was so well informed.
Her final questions related to the more difficult matter of whether I’d discussed my plans with my parents and what was their reaction. I answered, truthfully, that I had not done so, because they would undoubtedly try and bully me into changing my mind, as they had done when I was a child. I said that I would tell them as soon as I had begun my hormone regime. She did not seem to be surprised by this and I had the impression that several of her patients had told similar stories. I ended by saying that I hoped to find a doctor who would oversee my transition so I would not be forced to do so using information acquired from the Internet.
Before deciding what to do, Dr Martinez asked to see evidence of my age. For once I was able to provide this by means of my passport, which I did not normally take ashore but had thought to bring with me at the last minute. She spent a little time comparing the photograph of Alexander and myself but then smiled and said I made una mujer Hermosa. I thanked her and did my best to explain that I was sharing a cabin with a beautician who was helping me with my presentation. She sighed but then seemed to come to a decision.
‘Fumas? she asked.
‘’No fumo, I’ve never smoked,’ I replied.
She nodded and seemed glad about that.
‘Bien, voy a recetar dos milligramos Estradiol para usted,’ she announced.
I understood enough to know that she just agreed to prescribe me the usual starting dose of oestrogen.’
Gracias,’ I replied, with a feeling of relief.
She wrote a prescription and handed it to me.
‘I give you three month supply. Then we reconsider dose. When you come to see me again?’ she asked.
‘My ship calls at Barcelona every ten days.’
‘Make appointment to see me in thirty days.’
‘Yes, of course.’
’Buena suerte con su nueva vida,’ she said, smiling, as I was about to leave.
I returned her smile and thanked her for her good wishes for my new life before getting up and leaving. On my way out I paid the fee for my consultation, to the receptionist. I emerged on to the Avigunda Diagonal in a daze. It all seemed to go so much easier than I’d imagined. I found a bar and ordered a café espresso and wondered how long it would take before my dosage was established and I could continue the medications on my own. I would have no difficulty consulting Dr Martinez at regular intervals until mid-September but thereafter it could work out expensive if I had to fly out to Barcelona each time I needed to see her. Eventually I took out my phone and called Maria.
‘Hi, Ally, how did it go for you?’ she asked.
‘Fine, she has given me a prescription for three months. I'll now need to find a pharmacy to supply them.’
‘Do not be too hasty. Let me call Juanita first, she may be able to get them for precio al por mayor.
‘What’s that?’ I asked.
‘The price they pay to the distributor.’
‘The English term is wholesale price,’ I said, resuming my role as her teacher.
‘What did the doctor prescribe to you?’
‘Ninety Estradiol pills, two milligrams, to be taken daily,’ I replied.
‘I call you back.’
Ten minutes later my phone rang.
‘You should go to the bar near to the Plaça Espanya where we met Juanita, at three fifty this afternoon. She and I will meet you there and she will provide your medications at a wholesale price.’
‘Thanks Maria.’
I now had more than two and a half hours to kill before my appointment and so filled the time by walking through the narrow streets of the old city before making my way to the Plaça de Catalunya where I sat for a while looking at the fountains and the sculptures. I was trying to come to terms with everything that had happened to me during the eight weeks since I’d arrived in the UK. My life had changed so much for the better, in so many ways and I so enjoyed myself as one of the Bunnies and in helping Maria, but was I sure that I wanted to spend the rest of my life as a woman? I’d been so sure of the rightness of my proposed course of action that I’d even got rid of Alex’s clothes. Yet I was also conscious that I was on the point of no return. Later that day I hoped to take my first dose of oestrogen and begin a process that would gradually turn me into a transgendered woman, and then there would be no going back. I would then have to face up to all the implications of that decision including explaining to my parents. Was I sure? Was I rushing in to things? Was I so enamoured with being able to wear nice clothes and makeup that I was not considering the potential difficulties that I would inevitably encounter? Maybe I should wait for a while and discuss it with my parents? But then I began to think about the implications for me of reverting to Alex and I remembered how lonely and unhappy I’d been over the last few years. I knew in my soul that if I did not go ahead now it would become progressively more difficult and I might never have the courage to do so again. I would regret that decision for the rest of my life.
It was this realisation that eventually spurred me into action to walk the kilometre to the Plaça Espanya, where I arrived ten minutes early for my appointment with Juanita and Maria, with a head that was clear of any doubts. They arrived at the agreed time and Juanita handed over a box of tablets in exchange for my prescription and thirty Euros. The price was somewhat less than I’d imagined, but I calculated with the price of the Aldactone and the Consultation Fees I would spend all the money that my parents had given to me for my birthday on my medications – and once again I asked myself what better eighteenth birthday present could they have bought for me, if only they understood?
‘Gracias Juanita,’ I said
She smiled and said something in Catalan which Maria had to translate for me.
‘You should take one tablet each day, but do not swallow them. Place it under your tongue so that it dissolves gradually to give you a slow even dose of the hormone.’
I opened the packet and did as she instructed. At one level I felt no different, but at another level I knew that I‘d ‘crossed the Rubicon’ in my journey towards femininity and felt a great sense of relief. I would now take the next opportunity to tell the other Bunnies what I’d done, and then the rest of my family.
Maria and I arrived back at the ship shortly before five o’clock; there was no sign of the others. I handed my identity card to the guy at the end of the gangplank and he scanned it to record my presence on board once again. As he did so, a warning flashed up on the screen.
‘There is a note here saying that there’s a telephone message for you in the office, Miss, it is marked urgent.’
I left Maria and made my way to the office wondering who might want to contact me urgently. The secretary handed me a slip of paper. It proved to be from my Aunt.
Ally, I have been trying to ring you and Carol on your mobiles all day but there has been no response from either of you. As soon as you get this message telephone me, irrespective of the time or cost. It is very urgent!
Aunt Emm.
Thanks to Angharad and to Bronwen for proofreading, and to everybody who has left a comment or awarded a kudo. Louise
![]() |
Sometimes it is more important to listen to your inner voice than those around you.
Copyright © 2015 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
As soon as I read my Aunt’s message, I switched the SIM card in my phone to my usual one from the UK and dialled her number. She answered almost immediately.
‘What’s the trouble Aunt Emm?’ I asked, feeling a little bit alarmed.
‘Your mother has booked a double-cabin on your ship and will be joining the cruise at Venice in a week’s time and then sailing back to Southampton. She rang me this morning to ask if I wanted to accompany her.’
‘But why is she coming now and why isn’t Dad coming?’ I asked.
‘She said that she was fed up with waiting for your father to suggest a convenient time for him to take a break from his work, and since you seemed unwilling to speak to her on Skype, she’s decided to come to check-up on you in person.’
I was silent for a moment, rapidly going through the implications of her arrival.
‘Ally, are you still there?’
‘Yes, sorry! Are you planning to come with her?’
‘Well it is a generous offer on her part and it’ll give me a chance to see Carol in action as well, so I’ve agreed to go, although I wonder if she’s going to be prepared to share a cabin with me once she finds out what you’ve been doing over the last few weeks.’
‘I promise to make it clear to her that my decision to live and work as a girl has nothing to do with you or Carol.’
‘Maybe, but I’ve known all about the Honey Bunnies and haven’t told her.’
She then paused for a few seconds before continuing.
‘In fact I haven’t really been told the full story, have I? I’ve just been watching a film clip of you on You Tube with your long blonde hair and bunny-girl outfit. I hadn't realised that things had gone so far. Goodness only knows what your mother is going to say when she sees finds out.’
‘I suppose Maria and I did get a little carried away with my makeover, but Carol and Beth look just as good as I do in the outfits.’
‘I think you all three look lovely but I’m not sure that my sister is going to feel the same way.’
‘Do you think she suspects anything already?’ I asked.
‘She didn’t give me that impression but that will be an academic question when she meets Ally for the first time.’
She then thought for a while before continuing.
‘I assume that she will be meeting you as Ally.’
‘Oh yes,’ I replied without hesitation. ‘Apart from anything else I no longer have any clothes for Alex to wear.’
‘Why not?’
‘I’ve got rid of them.’
It was probably just as well that I was unable to see the expression on her face as I gave her this news. I heard an intake of breath.
‘In that case you’re going to have to sort out what you are going to do or say to your mother pretty quickly.’
‘I know; so what exactly are the travel arrangements next week?’ I asked.
‘She’ll be flying into Gatwick Airport six days from today, and will stay overnight in a hotel. I’ll meet her there the following morning and we’ll fly to Venice Marco Polo, arriving at lunch time.’
‘Alright, I’ll talk to Carol later this evening and then let you know our plans tomorrow.’
I rang off not sure what to make of the news. On the one hand I was dreading the inevitable row once she found out about me and the Bunnies, but she was going to have to know sometime and maybe it was better for her to do so when I had Carol and Aunt Emma as my allies. I went to find Carol, but she and Beth hadn’t arrived back on board. In fact they only just made it back in time to meet the deadline before the ship set sail so I had no chance to talk to my cousin alone.
It was not until we were preparing for our performance that I got any opportunity to talk to her. We were due to contribute to the theatre show that evening as we left Barcelona, heading towards Italy. On these occasions we took a little more time than usual in getting ourselves ready. Thus the three Bunnies and Maria were in our dressing room by seven o’clock.
‘Ladies, I have two announcements that I’d like to make,’ I began.
Beth and Carol looked at me. Maria, who guessed the subject of one of the announcements, continued fixing Beth’s hair for her.
‘I’ve already told you that Alex won’t be coming back. Ten days ago I started taking testosterone blockers to prevent my features from becoming any more masculine. Earlier today I also consulted a doctor who has prescribed for me a course of female hormones.’
Beth and Carol glanced at one another but didn’t look as surprised as I’d imagined. I felt that they must have discussed this matter and considered it as a possible outcome.
‘What effect will the hormones have on you?’ asked Beth.
‘Over the next few months my weight distribution will gradually become more like that of a woman and I hope that I will begin to grow my own boobs, so I’ll no longer need the forms. My skin should become smoother as well. Thankfully I’ve never had much facial or other bodily hair, but I’m now unlikely to grow any more.’
‘You’ve obviously been thinking seriously about this for some time. I trust that you know what you are doing,’ said Carol.
I nodded.
‘Yes, of course. This is something I’ve dreamed about doing for many years, but have only just had the opportunity to do so,’ I replied.
‘So this isn’t just the result of you joining the Honey Bunnies,’ said Beth a little anxiously.
‘Joining the Honey Bunnies has enabled me to recognise the real me – who I really am. It’s the best thing that has happened to me and I’m very grateful to you both, and also to you, Maria.’
‘Will you be telling the guys about this?’ asked Beth.
‘I’m not intending to say anything to them to begin with, although I hope that the changes to my body will eventually become apparent.’
‘What about your parents?’ asked Carol.
‘They still don’t know, but now that I’ve taken this irrevocable step, it is only fair that they should be told, which brings me to my second announcement. My mother, and your mother, Carol, will be joining the cruise at Venice in six and a half days from now and returning with us to Southampton.’
This time everyone looked surprised.
‘When did you hear this?’ asked Carol.
‘About an hour and a half ago. Your mother has been trying to phone you all day but has been unable to get through.’
‘I’ve had my Spanish SIM card in place all day. But will you be letting your mother know about Ally before she arrives.’
‘No, I don’t think so, just in case she changes her mind and cancels her booking.’
‘So you’re planning to wait until she’s on board before telling her?’
‘No, just in case there are any histrionics – I’d rather they didn’t take place on the ship in front of my colleagues. I thought the best place to do so would be at the airport when she arrives. In fact it will be obvious as soon as she sees me.’
‘So that meeting will be with Ally rather than Alex?’ said Beth.
‘Of course, as I've just said, Alex isn’t coming back, In any event, he would have nothing to wear, if you remember.’
‘I suppose so.’
‘Carol, would you be willing to come with me to the airport, so we can separate our respective mothers and then I’ll have a private word with mine.’
‘Exactly how are you planning to separate them?’ she asked.
‘We’ll tell them that we’re planning to meet them off the plane. When we know that they’ve arrived and are through immigration and customs, I’ll ask the information desk to make an announcement for my mother to collect a message. Your mother should suggest that she waits in the Arrivals Lobby with the luggage whilst my mother goes to collect the message. I will wait and then introduce myself to her whilst you join your mother. Then I will take a little time to explain to her the situation before we all meet up again.’
‘Alright then.’
‘Are you planning to tell the guys about the impending arrival of your two mothers?’ asked Beth.
‘I suppose we’d better warn them just in case there is some come-back as a result of Mum’s visit, but maybe we should leave it until a little nearer the time,’ I replied.
Our performance in the theatre that night was a triumph. Everybody looked great and was singing or playing their best. George and I had recently introduced several new numbers to our repertoire and Carol and Beth had worked out some new dance routines. In fact the Bucks and the Bunnies were really performing well together once again. I felt it to be the most professional show we’d ever done.
‘If only Mum and Dad could have seen us, I’m sure they would have been proud of me,’ I thought as we took our bows.
‘If we can keep up that standard on a regular basis it might be worth our thinking about going professional in the longer term,’ commented James to me as we left the stage. ‘As long as you didn’t mind continuing as Ally, that is.’
I answered him with a non-committal smile. It was a nice idea, but I didn’t think it was likely to come off. Carol and Beth both had university courses to finish and I was becoming more attracted to the idea of starting one – if only I could do so as Ally.
Over the next couple of days Carol and I made detailed plans for our mothers’ forthcoming visit. We would have no difficulty in taking a bus out to the airport in time to meet their flight. Assuming that we all took a land taxi from the airport, we would have about four and a half hours available to divulge my news to Mum, calm her down and get back to the ship in time for them to check in before it was due to sail. There were no flights back to the UK during that time and so she would have no choice but to remain with us. I was also counting on the fact that she would be feeling somewhat jet-lagged after her journey and less inclined to have a public row with me. Thus when the ship called at Palermo Carol telephoned her mother to put her in the picture, and Aunt Emm agreed, somewhat reluctantly, to co-operate with our plan and not to say anything to my mother prior to their arrival. I also sent an email to my Mum, with a blind copy to my aunt.
Hi Mum,
I’ve just heard that you and Aunt Emm will be joining our cruise. That’s great news and I’m looking forward to showing you what we’ve been doing over the last few weeks. I’ve also some exciting news to divulge to you, but I’m afraid it will have to wait until we have the opportunity to speak together.
Love to you and Dad,
Alex.
As I typed that name I promised myself that it would be the last time that I ever used it. Alex could be used as a girl's name, but not for me; it had too many uncomfortable associations attached to it.
I continued to allow one Estradiol tablet to dissolve under my tongue each morning as well as continuing with my daily dose of Aldactone, never doubting the wisdom of my taking this medication. I knew that I would have to tell Mum at some stage although I was still unsure exactly when and how to do so. It might be better to let her get used to the idea of having a daughter first. I didn’t notice any significant change as a result of taking the new tablets, just a vague tingling in my left breast. Nevertheless, I removed my breast forms just to check that all was well and left them off for a few hours overnight before replacing them. These days I was so used to wearing the forms that it felt decidedly odd to be without them.
Once the ship entered the Adriatic Sea, George wanted a talk with me after one of our regular practice sessions together.
‘I wondered if you’ve any plans for our day off in Venice, Ally. I enjoyed our afternoon there together last time even if it did end badly.’
‘What are the other Bucks planning to do?’ I asked.
‘I’ve no idea, I haven’t asked them. I would prefer to go ashore with just the two of us, if that suits you.’
I sighed.
‘I’m sorry. It’s not that I don’t want to, George, but I’m afraid I can’t, and what’s more you may wish to keep your distance from me on the voyage back.’
‘But why? I thought we were getting on better recently.’
‘It’s nothing to do with you, or how I feel about you, but my mother and Carol’s mother have arranged to join the cruise and we will be meeting them at Marco Polo airport. My mother doesn’t yet know about Ally, and I’m not sure how she’s going to react when she does find out. It’s going to be bad enough for her to find that her erstwhile son is now her daughter and is performing in a girl band without also discovering that she has a boyfriend as well.’
‘Well, it is up to you to decide, but I’m not ashamed of having you as my girlfriend – in fact quite the opposite. I would be happy to meet your mother if you wish.’
It was nice to see that he was at least now willing to acknowledge our relationship.
‘I suggest we play it by ear, let’s see how she reacts to meeting me first,’ I replied.
‘Alright then,’ he replied, sounding disappointed.
‘Thank you, George, and thanks for asking me out, although I can’t come on this occasion,’ I said giving him a kiss.
‘But you might mention my Mum’s planned visit to the other guys in the band, just in case there are any issues when she comes on board.’
‘What sort of issues?’
‘Just in case she betrays my secret to the whole ship's company.’
Later, that evening I discussed with Maria what I would wear for my planned meeting with Mum.
‘I don’t want to look too girly as I’ll probably need to help her with her luggage, but on the other hand I want it to be quite obvious to her that I am now living as a girl.’
‘I do not think there will be any doubt in her mind once she sees you, but I suggest you should wear your skater dress over a pair of leggings and some medium heels.’
‘That’s a good idea, it will look pretty but be practical at the same time. There's also the question of my hair though: I love having the long blonde hair but it is also very noticeable. Is there any way I could tone it down for the first meeting with my mother?’ I asked.
‘It would be a mistake to try and colour your hair, but I will show you how to braid your hair and tuck it away neatly into a bun so that it is not so obvious.’
‘Yes, you’re right. I don’t mind making a few compromises with my appearance to ease the shock of our first meeting, but I’m hoping my mother will come and see the Bunnies perform and so she will have to get used to my long hair and the Bunny costumes.’
In the event, we were all permitted to go ashore for a couple of hours at Dubrovnik the day before the ship reached Venice. As usual Carol and Beth were keen to spend some time with their boyfriends and Maria was happy enough to return to her studies. I therefore asked George if I could treat him to lunch ashore, by way of consolation for my having turned him down regarding Venice. He seemed pleased with the idea and we found ourselves a quiet sea-food restaurant in the old town where we shared a meal of stuffed baby squid in its own ink.
‘How are you feeling about tomorrow?’ he asked.
‘Nervous,’ I replied. ‘In fact, very nervous, but I’ve been putting off letting my parents know about Ally for so long now that I’m not sorry that Mum’s visit has forced my hand.’
‘Well good luck and I hope all goes well for you when she arrives,’ he said squeezing my hand. 'If there's anything I can do to help, please let me know.'
I smiled, but didn’t feel particularly confident.
The following morning I awoke early, showered, and then sat staring at myself in the mirror.
‘Do you wish that I fix your hair and makeup for you today Ally?’ asked Maria getting out of bed and putting on a dressing gown. ‘You do not look as if you will do it well today.’
‘Yes please, I’m feeling far too nervous to do it for myself.’
‘But it is only your mother; I would be more worried about the reactions of my father.’
‘No; in our family Dad is the breadwinner but Mum makes all of the important decisions. If Mum accepts me as Ally, then I know that Dad will do so as well.’
‘Breadwinner? What is a breadwinner?’
‘It is the person in a family who makes the money to allow the family to function. Usually it is the father, but not always, especially if the mother has a good job.’
‘I see,’ she said beginning to braid my hair.
‘In Britain we would say that ‘my mother wears the trousers in their marriage,’ meaning that she makes the decisions.’
‘Britain is a strange country where the mothers wear the trousers and the sons wear the dresses.’
‘You have transgendered women in Spain - look at your friend Juanita. In any event I now like to think of myself as their daughter not their son.’
Maria smiled.
‘I know, I joke with you.’
She had now pinned my hair neatly in a bun. I no longer looked so overwhelmingly ‘blonde’.
‘How much makeup do you want me to use?’ she asked.
‘Mum used to like wearing makeup when she was my age, so I do not see why I shouldn’t do so as well,’ I replied. ‘You understand my situation, I don’t want to look like a beauty queen, so please use your own judgement.’
As usual, Maria made a good job and provided me with exactly the right look for the occasion.
As I was leaving I noticed an envelope had been left outside the door addressed to me. It was in George’s handwriting and turned out to be a good luck card signed by the Bucks and the Bunnies. I was especially pleased that George appeared to have bought the card and orchestrated the signing of it.
Thanks to Angharad and to Bronwen for proofreading, and to everybody who has left a comment or awarded a kudo. Louise
![]() |
Sometimes it is more important to listen to your inner voice than those around you.
Copyright © 2015 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
As soon we’d finished helping to organise the disembarkation of those passengers due to leave the cruise, Carol and I cadged a lift on the shuttle provided by the company as far as the Piazzale Roma. There we caught an airport bus which was scheduled to arrive half an hour before our mothers’ plane was due to land. We then made our way to the arrivals hall and checked the indicator boards for details of their flight. Eventually it announced the landing of the flight from Gatwick.
‘Ah well, my goose is now cooked, I’m up shit creek without a paddle,’ I thought to myself, making a mental note to discuss these idioms with Maria when next we had a lesson together.
Carol could see from the expression on my face just how nervous I was feeling about the impending meeting with my mother, but, like me, she realised that it was now too late to do anything to avoid it.
‘The airport is fairly busy this morning so I guess it is going to take at least forty five minutes to an hour for them to clear immigration, collect their luggage and pass through customs. Why don’t we have a coffee whilst we are waiting?’ she asked.
‘Yes please, I could do with something to take my mind off things,’ I replied.
I was only a light social drinker but at that moment felt that I could really do with something a little bit stronger than coffee, even though it didn’t particularly like the taste of spirits. But, on the other hand, the last thing I wanted was to be smelling of booze with a be-fuddled head when I met Mum.
‘A coffee will be fine, thanks.’
We made our way to a free table and Carol went to purchase the drinks.
‘Mum has promised to send me a text when they’ve collected their cases and are proceeding through customs,’ Carol said when she returned. ‘As soon as that’s been received, I suggest that you make your way over to the information desk and ask them to page your mother. After that, I’m afraid you’ll be on your own and it will be up to you to handle the situation. Once that message has been broadcast I’ll go over to join my mother and stay with her until we get a message from you that all’s well.’
‘And if all isn’t well? If my mother has a hissy fit or falls down in a dead faint?’ I asked.
‘I’m afraid we’ll just have to play things by ear. But her options will be limited: she can’t get back on a plane and return to the UK - at least not today. Mum and I will be watching from a distance and will come over and offer assistance if required.’
I sighed.
‘I take it that you’ve got the correct SIM card in your phone?’ I asked.
‘Yes, I checked this morning,’ she replied.
‘And you’re sure that I look alright?’
She smiled.
‘Ally, you look great. You always do these days. So please don’t worry.’
But I couldn’t stop myself from worrying.
Carol was spot on with her estimate and fifty minutes after landing the expected text message came through, containing just two words – ‘coming soon!’
‘Off you go then, Ally, and good luck.’
I gave a weak smile by way of acknowledgment and followed her instructions to the letter. I went to the enquiry office and explained that I couldn’t find my mother and listened as the message went out over the public address, requesting that Mrs Lydia Fletcher, a passenger recently arrived from Gatwick, should make her way to the information desk in the arrivals hall where there is a message for her.
I eventually caught sight of my mother, looking slightly anxious as she made her way towards the desk. I had not seen her in several weeks and our relations had been strained before I left, but now I was anxious to see her – if only she felt the same way about me – the new me - that is. She must have seen me standing next to the information desk but clearly did not recognise me. I therefore stepped forward to head her off before she had a chance to speak one of the assistants.
‘Hello Mum,’ I said, doing my best to find Alex’s voice once again, although I hadn’t used it for some weeks.
My mother turned to look at me when she heard my voice, but assumed she’d made a mistake, and looked as if she was about to continue walking towards the information desk.
‘Mum, it’s me,’ I said continuing to speak in Alex’s voice, although I couldn’t bring myself to add his name or the descriptor ‘your son’ to my sentence.
She turned again to look at me.
‘Alex?’ she asked in a voice that conveyed something between uncertainty and disbelief. ‘But you’ve dyed your hair?’
‘Is that the only change you’ve noticed?’ I thought to myself.
‘Yes, it looks nice doesn’t it?’ I replied.
We both of us treated that as a rhetorical question, as she stared at me with her mouth open. She didn’t seem to be on the verge of fainting or hysterics but she certainly looked as if she were in a state of shock.
‘As you can see we have some things that we need to talk about,’ I said now reverting to Ally’s voice. ‘Perhaps we could sit down at that café over there and have a cup of tea together.’
I gestured towards some nearby tables served by a refreshment counter. Mum continued to look stunned and gave the impression that she felt as if she might be dreaming.
‘I don’t want a cup of tea, and I’ve just left your Aunt alone looking after my luggage.’
‘I think you should sit down for a minute,’ I said, this time a little more firmly.
The last thing I wanted was for her to keel over (yet another nautical idiom!) any minute.
‘Don’t worry about Aunt Emm, or your luggage; Carol is with her now. We’ve plenty of time before you need to arrive at the ship so please come and sit down for a minute so we can talk together. If you don’t want a cup of tea, I’ll get you a glass of water.’
By this time she’d accepted, albeit reluctantly, that I was indeed the fruit of her loins, and not some mischievous changeling that had emerged from the depths of her imagination.
‘But why are you dressed like that? And what has happened to your voice?'
‘Just come and sit down for a minute,’ I continued. ‘I’ll get us something to drink and then I promise to explain everything.’
She still seemed dazed but allowed herself to be guided by me to a vacant table whilst I went to the counter and quickly ordered just enough that we might legitimately use their tables for a while. Now that we’d actually met I felt myself to be growing in confidence that I was going to be able to handle the situation.
‘Why are you pretending to be a girl?’ she asked as soon as I’d returned.
This time her tone was less bemused and more accusatory.
I was tempted to respond that I was not pretending, that I’d always been a girl but she and my father had never allowed me to recognise it. However, I didn’t want to overwhelm her with information during the first few minutes of our meeting. After all I would have two weeks to tell her everything that she needed to know.
‘I’m dressed like this because I’ve taken a job as an entertainer in an all-girl singing group and it’s a condition of my employment that I stay dressed as a girl throughout the voyage. The majority of people on the ship only know me as a girl called Ally, and I’ve no wish that they should think anything else.’
‘But your employers can’t force you to dress as a girl, against your will.’
’Who said it was against my will?’ I thought to myself.
‘Mum, this has been the best job I could possibly get and I’ve been having a wonderful time. I’ve gained a lot of useful experience and have made some good friends. If you were now to come on board and start referring to me as Alex, or treating me as if I were a boy, then not only will I lose my job, but so too will Carol and four of our good friends. If that happened Carol and I would never forgive you.’
‘But …’
I was now in full flow and wasn’t going to be diverted.
‘Mum, this holiday that you’ve booked will be a great opportunity for the two of us to get on better terms with one another and discuss my future. But it’s only going to work if you’re willing to accept me as a daughter named Ally, rather than a son named Alex whilst we’re on board together.’
‘But what am I going to say to your father?’
’I knew you would bring this up even though it is you who will ultimately decide whether or not Ally is accepted into our family,’ I thought.
‘You don’t need to say anything to him; at least not for the time being. You can email him this evening to confirm your safe arrival and that we’ve met. That’s all he needs to know for now. We’ll have plenty of opportunity to discuss what to tell him and when.’
‘Does your Aunt know that you’ve been pretending to be a girl?’ Mum asked.
I didn’t like the phrase ‘pretending to be a girl,’ or the way that she said it, but it was a fair question and one which was difficult for me to answer truthfully.
‘Yes and no. She knows about my job and what it entails but she doesn’t know how far I’ve taken things recently or how important it has become to me. But you are not to go blaming Aunt Emma for what has happened, or Carol for that matter. Everything about my job and my life has been my own doing. Aunt Emm wanted to tell you what was going on before now, but I begged her not to do so.’
‘But I don’t understand. Why were you so frightened of telling me the truth about what you were doing?’ said Mum looking into my eyes.
(I was glad that Maria had done my hair and makeup for me that morning.)
‘Because I thought that you might try to stop me from taking the job and doing something that was so important to me,’ I replied quietly.
Mum didn’t respond, realising that what I’d just said was almost certainly true; she would have tried to stop me. I was ready for her to come back with some other comment or objection in response but instead there was an awkward silence between us. Mum just looked sad and weary, as if there were no fight left in her. I felt as if I’d gotten over the main obstacle of breaking the news to her but wasn’t going to make much more progress on that day in getting her to understand or accept my decision. I took her hand in a gesture of sympathy.
‘You must be feeling jet-lagged after your two long flights. Why don’t we now find the others and get you installed on board the ship? There’ll be plenty of time for us to talk over the next few days.’
She stared at my manicured and polished nails. I’d no idea what thoughts might be going through her head.
‘Yes please,’ she answered, at last.
‘But please remember that it has to be Ally from now onwards, especially when we are on board. That is very important to me.’
She sighed.
‘Very well.’
I sent a text message to Carol to ask where they were, and suggested that we all should meet by the taxi rank at the entrance to the terminal. They were waiting for us in the queue as we arrived, both looking slightly anxious. I’d forgotten that Aunt Emma hadn’t seen me since I’d dyed my hair, had my eyelashes extended and a complete makeover by Maria. She looked almost as surprised by my appearance as Mum had done. However, the last thing I wanted was to get into any further discussion or explanation on this topic.
‘Hi Aunt Emm, it’s so nice to see you again,’ I said giving her a kiss. ‘Mum’s feeling the after-effects of her two journeys and so I’ve suggest we get you back to the ship, and checked in for the cruise. Maybe we can discuss things in more detail tomorrow.’
They seemed to get my message as to what topics of conversation might be suitable whilst we waited for a taxi and during the half hour journey to the ship. I did my best to keep up a stream of light conversation asking the visitors about their flights and other details of their journeys. I commented on the weather. I explained that the Bunnies were scheduled to give a performance in the theatre that evening and a Bunny Hop the following morning; I even pointed out various sights along the way. In fact I was happy to discuss anything other than the elephant which had joined us in the taxi cab. Carol did her best to support me. Mum, in particular, and to a lesser extent, Aunt Emm, appeared to be in a state of shock and on occasions we had to repeat our questions to them.
Eventually we arrived at the quayside and I paid off the cab. Carol went off to organise some porters to come and collect the suitcases ready for delivery to their cabins, whilst I conducted Mum, my aunt and the elephant to the check-in desk for the new arrivals that was situated in a temporary building on the quayside.
‘Hello Ally, what can I do for you?’ asked Helen, one of the girls from the office to whom I chatted from time to time as she was a member of our choir.
‘Hi Helen. This lady is my mother and her companion is my aunt - Carol’s mother. They’ll be joining the cruise and have come to check-in.’
‘Welcome ladies to The Fair Maid of Southampton; may I have your confirmation email and your passports please,’ she said with a smile.
As Helen entered Mum’s details on to the computer she attempted to make conversation.
‘Your daughter and her boyfriend have been trying to teach a number of the staff to sing but they have had to struggle,’ she said with a smile.
I noticed Mum flinch, momentarily, especially at the words ‘daughter’ and ‘boyfriend’.
‘I didn’t know that,’ responded Mum in a rather neutral voice; ‘but Ally doesn’t always tell me everything she’s been doing.’
’At least she hasn’t denied having a daughter, and has even referred to me as Ally,’ I thought to myself.
Helen asked for Mum’s credit card details and for her to sign a blank slip to cover her charges at the bar and for other services on board.
‘You are in cabin 833 Mrs Fletcher, on the port side of the ship,’ she said handing back Mum’s passport and other documents. ‘I’m sure your daughter will be able to show you where to go.’
Mum responded with a weak smile
‘You’re lucky to have such a talented and attractive daughter as Ally.’
‘So it would seem,’ said Mum.
By this time Carol had re-joined us and she waited with Aunt Emm whilst Helen recorded her details. I took Mum over to the scanner and helped her put her hand luggage and handbag on to the belt.
‘They’re not really worried about the possibility of your bringing firearms or explosives, on to the ship,’ I observed. ‘The main thing that bothers them is that you might be bringing alcohol on board and so won’t have to pay the outrageous prices they charge.’
Mum turned towards me, having regained a little of her fighting spirit.
‘It appears that I’ve no choice but to accept Ally whilst we’re on board ship, but you and I are going to need to have a very long talk about your future, young m…, young lady,’ she said, just out of earshot of anyone else.
‘Yes, of course,’ I said as the elephant walked off slowly into the sunset. ‘I would guess that you’re feeling too tired to come to our performance tonight, but Carol, Beth and I will be giving a session for kids tomorrow morning and afterwards I’ll have some time to spare for a talk if you wish.’
‘Alright then,’ she replied.
As soon as Aunt Emma had checked-in and had her hand luggage scanned, we conducted the new arrivals to their shared cabin on the eighth deck. Their main luggage was already waiting for them when we arrived.
‘We’ll have to leave you now as we have to get something to eat and then get ready for the show tonight,’ said Carol. ‘Have a good rest and we’ll see you tomorrow.’
Inevitably everyone who knew about Ally was anxious to know the details of how I’d got on meeting my mother, but it was never sensible to talk about my gender ‘issues’ in the staff canteen, just in case anyone should overhear. The one place where it was normally safe to discuss such matters was in our dressing room. Thus the three Bunnies and Maria had a brief conversation as we were getting ourselves ready.
‘So how did the meeting with your mother go this afternoon, Ally?’ asked Beth.
‘It’s difficult to say. I was all fired up ready to have another row with her at the airport, but she just kind of crumpled.’
‘What do you mean by ‘crumpled’?’ she asked.
‘There were no accusations, no threats or other histrionics. She even called me ‘Ally’ as we checked in to the ship and acknowledged me as her daughter in front of Helen. I suspect that Mum has been in something of a daze ever since she arrived so I doubt whether she is going to ‘out’ me in public on board but that does not mean she won’t want to give me her detailed opinion about how I’ve let everyone in the family down and am ruining my life, as soon as she’s had a chance to sleep on the matter.’
‘Do not be too hard on you mother, Ally. It is probable that she is in a state of shock and will need a little time to get used to the idea of having a daughter,’ said Maria. ‘Maybe things will be easier for you both tomorrow.’
‘I may have won a partial victory today but I’m acutely aware that I’ve some way to go before the war is won,’ I said.
Yet I had absolutely no doubts about the final outcome, for me at least. After all I’d already started my hormone therapy. It was more a question of whether I’d be able to take Mum and Dad along with me in my journey.
Thanks to Angharad and to Bronwen for proofreading, and to everybody who has left a comment or awarded a kudo. Louise
![]() |
Sometimes it is more important to listen to your inner voice than those around you.
Copyright © 2015 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
I was pleased when I noticed that Mum and Aunt Emma had joined the little group of onlookers to our Bunny Hop session the morning after we’d left Venice. I was content to be seen by Mum to be doing something useful, which was clearly enjoyed by the kids involved. I was also happy that I was dressed fairly conservatively in a black dress, although as usual, I was wearing makeup and with my hair now flowing freely once again. Once we’d finished the session Carol and Beth went to speak to Aunt Emm whilst I approached Mum.
‘Hi, Mum,’ I said giving her a quick kiss on the cheek, ‘are you feeling better this morning?’
I wanted to be friendly and caring towards her: to make it clear from the outset that Ally was a different person from Alex, and there might be some benefits to her having a daughter rather than a son.
‘Yes I slept well last night, thank you, in spite of everything,’ she said.
I tried not to rise to the bait.
‘By everything, I suppose you’re referring to me,’ I answered with a smile.
She didn’t respond directly.
‘Do you always wear makeup when you’re not performing?’ she asked.
‘Well didn’t you do so, when you were my age?’
She didn’t respond but I could see what she was thinking. If we weren’t careful, we’d soon be shouting at one another once again.
‘Let’s not start rowing again, you’re here to enjoy yourself,’ I offered.
‘I was wondering when and where we might have a talk, in private.’
‘I’m due to meet up for a choir practice now and after lunch I’ve promised to give the girl that I share a cabin with an English lesson. Why don’t you come along to our performance this afternoon at three o’clock in the Small Music Room. After that I’ll be free for a couple of hours before I need to get ready for our evening show. We could talk privately in our dressing room as soon as Carol and Beth have changed.’
‘Alright then.’
‘In the meanwhile, why don’t you and Aunt Emm relax and enjoy the ship; you are on holiday, after all.’
I checked with Beth and Carol that it would be alright for Mum and I to have our discussion in the dressing room after our afternoon performance. They both promised to get changed quickly and take my Aunt away for a while, leaving the two of us alone. We had previously arranged to wear the little black dresses with sequinned bodices for this show. These were the ones that the previous incarnation of the Bunnies had bought for themselves. They were prettier and more sparkly than anything Mum had seen me wear up to then, and came with strappy high-heeled sandals. I didn’t think she would approve but there was nothing I could do about that. She now knew about the Bunnies and there was plenty of material on the various social media showing me wearing much worse.
‘Is everything alright with you, Ally,’ asked George as we were setting up for our afternoon performance, that day.
‘I hope so but maybe you’d better ask me that question at the same time tomorrow, for the definitive answer,’ I replied as I noticed that my mother and my aunt had taken their seats in the audience.
George quickly checked that everyone was ready before he ran his finger across the length of the keyboard creating an opening effect. James then began playing the opening chords of a Cyndi Lauper number which I’d asked to include in today’s programme as I knew it was one of my mother’s favourites from when she was my age, just as it had been revived by Miley Cyrus for my generation. I came in as the lead singer.
‘I come home in the morning light
My mother says when you gonna live your life right
Oh mother dear we're not the fortunate ones.
And girls they want to have fun
Oh girls just want to have fun.’
I exchanged a broad grin with George as Beth and Carol then came in with a re-iteration of the chorus.
‘And girls they want to have fun
Oh girls just want to have fun.’
Now that George and I were on good terms again the Bucks and the Bunnies seemed to be on top form with a number of new titles and arrangements in our repertoire.
‘At least both mothers have had a chance to see us perform at our best,’ commented Carol to me at one point.
‘It would be nice if they would come along to one of our evening shows or perhaps our weekly performance in the theatre when we could really show what we’re capable of,’ I replied.
‘Well they’ll have plenty of opportunity to do so over the next week.’
Once we’d completed our afternoon session I was approached by a couple of the keenest teenage girls from that morning’s Bunny Hop who wanted to chat with me about their ambitions to become singers. This was a little awkward for me but I liked to encourage our young fans whenever possible and Mum and Aunt Emma seemed happy enough to wait. In the end, the only way I was able to excuse myself was by promising that if they came along to the next Bunny Hop, I’d be happy to accompany them whilst they performed. Whilst this was happening Beth and Carol quickly got themselves changed, as promised, and had returned by the time I was free.
‘Mum, would you like to join Beth and me for a walk around the sun decks?’ asked Carol.
‘Yes, I should like that,’ she replied, getting up.
We all five of us realised why the invitation had been restricted to Aunt Emma. As soon as they were gone I turned to my mother and smiled.
‘I’m going to have to change out of my costume, but I won’t take long if you want to come with me to our dressing room. We should be able to have a private conversation there without being overheard or interrupted.’
Mum nodded and followed me to the dressing room and took a seat. I could feel her watching me closely as I kicked off my high-heeled sandals and slipped out of my dress; but I was determined that I wasn’t going to feel embarrassed about changing in front of her.
‘What has happened to your penis?’ she asked suddenly, noticing the absence of any bulge under my knickers.
It sounded more like an accusation than a question.
‘Don’t worry, it’s tucked neatly away, out of sight. I’ve become quite an expert at hiding it,’ I replied in a matter-of-fact way.
She didn’t respond.
‘So what did you think of the Honey Bunnies?’ I asked, trying to lighten the atmosphere as I put my stage costume onto a hanger and stowed it away in the wardrobe.
At the same time I took out the blue dress that Maria had given to me, which I’d chosen to wear for this afternoon as I knew that Mum would consider it to be smart.
‘You were good; all three of you,’ Mum responded. Then, after a momentary hesitation, she added, ‘but especially you.’
We were doing our best to be polite to one another - at least to begin with.
‘Thank you,’ I responded with a smile.
‘I’d no idea that you could sing like that.’
‘I used to practice at home when you were both out at work, as I didn’t think you’d approve.’ I admitted.
‘Did you sometimes put on my dresses?’ she asked, as if she’d suddenly come to a realisation.
‘I did my best not to get them dirty, and put them back where I’d found them’ I admitted, blushing.
She sighed.
‘I thought it was the maid who’d moved them,’ she said quietly.
‘Maybe if you’d spent less time socialising with your friends and more time with your family, you would have realised.’ I thought, but didn’t say so.
All the expats in Bahrain tended to socialise, especially the wives, as there was not much else for them to do. I stepped into the blue dress and pulled it up over my shoulders and fixed the hook and eye at the top.
‘Please would you zip me up at the back, Mum.’ I asked.
She did so. I put on a pair of smart looking court shoes and quickly ran a brush through my hair.
‘So you’re not wearing a wig,’ she commented.
‘No, they’re bonded hair extensions that will stay in place for the whole summer.’
‘And your eyelashes?’ she asked.
‘They’re glued on and will remain so for as long as the natural lashes last.’
Mum gave a disapproving sigh; but she was going to have to do better than that if she really wanted to make me feel bad about myself!
‘The gel nail tips can stay for as long as I wish,’ I said holding out one hand for her to see.
Unfortunately I’d removed the cute nail art bunnies the night before meeting her at the airport, but my nails were nicely manicured and polished, all the same.
‘I’d already noticed them,’ she said, coolly.
She didn’t seem to be in a hurry to begin our discussion and I was determined that I wasn’t going to be made to feel guilty about how I was dressed so I found a lipstick and began to touch up my lips.
‘Where did you learn to use makeup?’ she asked.
I refrained from saying that Carol had taught me as I didn't want to get her in more trouble with Mum.
‘I taught myself the basics from You Tube but my friend Maria has been showing me how to do things properly.’
She looked on without saying anything. At last I felt that I couldn’t put off our discussion any further and so I turned to face her.
‘OK, Mum, I’m all set,’ I said with a smile. ‘What did you want to talk about?’
It was an unnecessary question but did serve to focus our discussion and she seemed willing to start things off in a reasonably civilised manner.
‘I suppose I should tell you that you look nice dressed as a girl,’ she began.
‘I suppose I should thank you for that grudging compliment,’ I replied with a trace of sarcasm.
‘Here we go,’ I thought to myself, but Mum rather smiled at my response.
‘Alright then, you do look most attractive and convincing as a girl.’
‘Thank you,’ I said, acknowledging the compliment. 'Nobody ever commented about how I looked as a guy.'
‘And I do like that dress.’
‘I thought that you would; it was given to me by Maria, the girl that I share a cabin with.’
‘Does she know about Alex?’
‘Yes, of course; she’s been teaching me how to look my best as Ally. She fixed the hair and nail extensions for me.’
‘I’m not sure that I approve of your friends and your cousin encouraging you to live as a girl.’
‘Nobody has encouraged me to do anything against my will or against my better judgment,' I replied.
She decided to change the subject.
‘What about this so-called ‘boyfriend’ mentioned by that woman when I signed in yesterday?’
‘She was referring to George, the keyboard player in our band. We’ve been working together on a couple of musical projects. We get on well together but it isn’t as if we’re “an item” or anything like that,’ I responded, not entirely accurately, but I wasn’t sure how to describe the status of our relationship.
‘Does he know?’ asked Mum.
‘Know what?’ I responded, playing dumb.
‘About Alex.’
‘Of course he knows. Everyone that I live and work closely with knows about Alex, but nobody else on the ship does. That’s why it’s so important to us to keep his existence a secret. If it were to become common knowledge we’d all probably lose our jobs.’
‘So are you gay?’
This was the first time either of my parents had discussed my sexuality with me although apparently they’d had their anxieties on this matter ever since I told them that I wanted to be a girl.’
‘I don’t know; I don’t feel gay,’ I replied.
I wanted to add, ‘I just feel like a normal woman,’ but thought better of it.
‘George and I are just good friends although I enjoy the kudos that comes with having a boyfriend on board,’ I replied with a self-satisfied smile.
Mum didn’t seem to approve of the idea.
‘Normal young men don’t go around dressing and acting as if they were women.’
I knew this was coming.
‘I’ve never felt like a normal young man.’ I replied.
She didn’t respond but rather hesitated, as if in thought.
‘I do wonder when and where it will end, though.’
I wasn’t clear whether she was referring to the ‘Honey Bunnies’ or to ‘Ally’ by that comment? For the moment it suited me to assume it was the former.
‘We’ve signed up for five cruises, which will take us until mid-September. Carol and Beth will then have to return to their University courses.’
‘And what about you?’ she asked.
‘I’ll have to look for another job,’ I replied.
I needed to give her something, though.
‘You’ll be pleased to know that I intend to apply for a university place for the academic year 2015/6.’
This was the news that she’d been most anxious to hear.
‘I’m relieved to know that you intend to continue with your education, but why not start in September of this year?’
‘I’ve left things late to apply for this year and probably wouldn’t get into a course of my choice. In any event I'll need a year out of education to sort myself out.’
I didn’t specify exactly why I might need a year to sort myself out, assuming that she would ask, but she didn’t.
‘What subject will you apply for?’ she asked instead.
‘I’ve always been fairly good with languages and have recently discovered an interest in linguistics which I’d like to pursue at university. In the nine weeks that I’ve been working as a girl, I’ve noticed that my own use of language has changed, and the way that people talk to me is different. I’ve also been helping my friend Maria to learn English which has given me an interest in the way that different languages are structured.’
‘What kind of career would that equip you for?’
‘I’d quite like to spend some time overseas teaching English as a foreign language, but I’d need a teaching qualification once I’ve completed my degree.’
‘Would you have good enough grades to gain entry to a linguistics course?’ she asked.
‘I believe so.’
‘Are you planning to apply to either Oxford or Cambridge?’
I knew that this was her principal ambition for me so she would once again have ‘bragging rights’ among her ex-pat friends in Bahrain.
‘I expect so, as long as one of them would be willing to accept me as Ally.’
‘You mean you want to go to University dressed as a girl!’ she asked looking both surprised and perturbed.
Maybe she wouldn’t be able to have bragging rights after all. She’d clearly assumed that Ally was just a temporary aberration, a summer indiscretion that would soon be hushed-up and never spoken of again.
‘I wouldn’t just go to university ‘dressed as a girl’, as you say. Most of them have policies for dealing with transgendered students undergoing transition. I’ll have to apply in Alex’s name but I intend to make it clear at the outset that I’ll be living in the female gender throughout my course and wish to graduate as Alexandra.’
‘And then what?’ she asked in a horrified voice.
‘I’ll aim to get a teaching qualification, look for a job, and live the remainder of my life …. as a woman.’
‘You are suggesting that you want to spend the rest of your life pretending to be a girl?’ she said as if she couldn’t quite believe her ears.
I hated that word - ‘pretending’ - which I found to be insulting.
‘Once I’ve been living as a woman full-time for two years I’ll be able to apply to change my name and legal status.’
Mum didn’t seem to be very impressed by this news.
‘Don’t you think that you ought to take a little more time to consider the potential implications of such a drastic step?’
‘It’s nearly ten weeks since I first dressed as Ally and I’ve never before felt so positive about my life. I’m certain that it is the right decision for me.’
‘Ten weeks is no time at all to be making decisions that will impact on the rest of your life.’
‘I don’t envisage doing anything about it until mid-September,’ I lied, not now thinking it the right time to mention the hormones.
‘But that’s only a few weeks away.’
‘Mum, I’ve been dreaming about this for more than ten years, although I’ve only recently realised that it might be possible for me to do!’
‘But you are only just eighteen.’
‘Eighteen is old enough to know what is right for me. I’ve been reading about far younger people than me being allowed to transition whilst they were still at school when it would have been so much easier to do so. I tried to explain to you and Dad how I felt when I was nine, but you didn’t listen to me.’
‘It wasn’t that we didn’t listen but we thought that it was a passing phase and that you’d eventually grow out of it.’
‘You were wrong. Other parents listened more carefully and took the trouble to find out more about what their children might be going through.’
This observation clearly upset her.
‘You didn’t say anything after that one time.’
‘That was because I trusted you. I thought that one day I’d wake up as a normal young man and forget all about these feelings; only it never happened. I assumed it must be my fault, that there must be something wrong with me.’
‘But you never said you were unhappy and you always did well at school.’
‘Mum, I was desperately unhappy. I worked hard at school to take my mind off the fact that I’d no friends and my parents didn’t want to take the trouble to understand how I was feeling. I wanted you to be proud of me.’
Mum was becoming annoyed.
‘I don’t see that pretending to be a girl is going to help you or make us proud of you.’
Now it was my turn to get angry.
‘It’s not pretending! It is being able to live the life that I should have done. Now I’m eighteen, you can’t stop me from doing so.’
‘What about us, don’t you think that your father and I deserve some consideration? How do you think we’ll feel about having a son who lives as a woman?’
Now we were getting to the crux of the matter.
‘So you want me to ruin the rest of my life, to lose any chance of future happiness, merely to save you from embarrassment?’ I said with a mixture of amazement and resentment.
She was about to say something in response, but stopped herself. Neither of us said anything for a while, but after ten seconds or so she began again.
‘Alright Alex, I won’t say anything more about this whilst we’re on board the ship together, but you shouldn’t expect any financial support from your father and me if you continue with this foolishness.’
‘I’ve asked you not to refer to me as Alex,’ I replied coolly.
She didn’t respond.
‘Well of course that will be up to you to decide,’ I continued. ‘I should be able to apply for a student loan and get a job whilst I’m at college to support myself. However, if it comes to the choice of living my life as I wish to do, or continuing with my education, then I know which one I will choose; even if that does mean losing contact with my parents.’
I’d been feeling more emotional about my situation recently and knew that if I stayed any longer I was going to burst into tears.
‘Mum, this conversation is getting us nowhere. I have things I need to do,’ I said and left making for my cabin, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to follow me there.
‘Alex!’ she called out as I left the room, but I ignored her, promising myself that I’d never again acknowledge that name.
I might have won the first skirmish with Mum yesterday, but had had to make a tactical retreat today.
Thanks to Angharad and to Bronwen for proofreading, and to everybody who has left a comment or awarded a kudo. Louise
![]() |
Sometimes it is more important to listen to your inner voice than those around you.
Copyright © 2015 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
‘You didn’t turn up for dinner, Ally,’ said Beth to me as we were getting ourselves ready for our evening show.
‘I know; I didn’t feel particularly hungry,’ I replied.
‘So the meeting with your Mum didn’t go too well, this afternoon,’ commented Carol.
‘We started off on quite good terms but, as usual, we ended up by having a row. She made it clear that she would be deeply embarrassed by the prospect of telling her friends that she now has a daughter rather than a son. She thinks that it’s all just a passing phase on my part and that I haven’t given the matter enough thought, which is her shorthand for my not doing what she wants me to.’
‘I get the impression that you have given the matter a lot of thought,’ said Carol.
‘As if ten years, or more, isn’t enough time for me to know my own mind!’ I said bitterly
‘Did you tell her about the hormones?’ Beth asked.
‘No, not yet,’ I replied, guiltily. ‘I intended to do so but decided it would have created even more of an upset. At least I’ve made it clear to her that Alex won’t be coming back.’
‘How did she react to that information?’
‘She has threatened to turn my picture to the wall and to cut me off without a penny, but I made it clear that such threats aren’t going to alter my decision.’
‘How about Uncle Jim?’ asked Carol.
‘I don’t think that she has said anything to my dad, as yet, just in case I can be brought to my senses. She’ll probably wait until she gets back to Bahrain before informing him that he no longer has a son. But in many ways he’ll be less of a problem than she is as he tends to be guided by whatever she thinks in domestic matters.’
‘Life is going to be a lot harder for you without their support,’ observed Beth.
‘I know, but if they were to prevent me from living my life as I need to do, then I would end up hating them both, and I don’t want to do that. So maybe it is just as well if they do disown me.’
’Don’t be too hard on your mother; after all it must be quite a lot for her to take in at one time,’ continued Carol. ‘Give her a day or two to get more used to the idea and then have another talk with her.’
‘Well she’s only with us on board for another nine days so I hope she doesn’t take too long about it.’
‘So you’re not expecting your mother to come to tonight’s performance,’ said Beth.
‘No, I think she has probably had enough of what she describes as “this foolishness” for one day.’
I was right; Mum didn’t turn up to see us perform that evening although Aunt Emma did so. She came up to the stage after the show.
‘I must say, the Honey Bunnies have come a long way since I last saw the three of you perform in Portsmouth,’ she said with a smile.
‘What do you think of our Bunny outfits?’ asked Beth.
‘A little revealing’ said Aunt Emm looking pointedly at the very short skirts, ‘but also quite glamorous.’
‘It’s probably just as well the Mum didn’t come tonight. I don’t think they would go down too well with her at the moment,’ I said.
‘I guess not,’ my aunt replied. ‘Ally, we’ve not really had much chance to talk together over the last few weeks, maybe you and I could do so now.’
‘Can you give me fifteen minutes to get myself changed and then we can go for a walk together on one of the upper decks,’ I suggested.
‘Yes, of course, I think it would be sensible for you to put on some slightly more normal looking clothes.’
I always enjoyed walking out on the upper decks during the warm nights whilst we were at sea. It was a place where you could clear your mind or have a quiet conversation away from the noise and the clamour on the rest of the ship.
‘So how are things between you and Mum?’ I asked as my Aunt and I stood looking out at the star-filled sky over the Ionian Sea.
She sighed and shook her head.
‘Not so good at present; just as I feared. She blames me for not keeping her informed as to what was happening.’
‘So she could have put a stop to it?’
‘I suppose so.’
‘But that isn’t fair; it was nothing to do with you, and in any event, I asked you not to say anything to her.’
‘Oh don’t worry she blames you as well; more so than me. She feels that we’ve both sprung the news on to her and put her in an awkward position where she’s trapped on board and cannot make a fuss about what you are doing in case it causes other people to lose their jobs.’
‘I suppose she’s right, I should have said something to them both but it wasn’t until the second voyage after Maria’s makeover that I truly realised how important Ally had become to my future happiness and that there could be no going back for me.’
My aunt nodded.
‘I began to suspect you might have gender identity ‘issues’ on the first occasion that I saw you dressed as Ally; you seemed to be so comfortable dressed as a girl. My suspicions were reinforced a few days later when I saw you perform as one of the Bunnies, and soon afterwards there was your job offer. However, I didn’t realise how serious things had become over the last few weeks.’
‘I asked Carol not to say too much to you until I better understood what was going on. That’s why I didn’t come back to Waterlooville after our last voyage. I knew that you would want to ask me some awkward questions and I didn’t want to be put in a situation where I couldn’t answer them truthfully.’
‘I now realise that. Also I understand from Carol that you’ve disposed of all of Alex’s clothes.’
‘Yes, as I said, there can be no going back for me now. In fact I’ve also started to take female hormones.’
‘When?’ asked my Aunt in a shocked voice.
‘Last week, I saw a doctor in Barcelona. It was the day that we spoke on the phone to say that you and Mum would be joining the cruise. I’ve taken them every day since then, and intend to continue to do so.’
'What will they do to you?'
'They will gradually make me look and feel more like a woman.
‘How long will it be before they start to take an effect?’
‘I think they’re already starting to have an effect on my emotions but it’ll be several months before it is noticeable to anyone else.’
‘Does your mother know?’
I looked down guiltily.
‘No, I was planning to tell her earlier this afternoon but then changed my mind as I thought she might totally freak out.’
‘That may well be so. When are you now planning to tell her.’
‘I suppose I’ll have to write to them both after she has returned from the cruise.’
‘I just hope you have thought carefully about the implications of what you are doing.’
‘I’ll be taking them under medical supervision.’
My aunt didn’t seem entirely satisfied with that answer.
‘Aunt Emma, this isn’t a sudden thing in my life. I’ve been building up to this decision since I was a young child. I honestly tried to explain to Mum and Dad many years ago but they wouldn’t take me seriously. They assumed that a child couldn’t possibly know what was right for them.’
Despite a concerted effort on my part to stop them, tears now came to my eyes as I recalled those conversations with my parents.
‘Now at the age of eighteen I’ve realised that I’m at last free to make my own decisions. Joining the Bunnies has been a wonderful opportunity for me to discover who I really am.’
‘That may be so, but things would be a lot easier for you and for everybody else if you can take your parents along with you.’
‘I know that. I’d truly love to be accepted by them as Ally but I’m no longer willing to sacrifice my future happiness and sanity just to be the son that they always wanted,’
‘I can see that.’
‘So what do you think I should do?’
‘You must realise that she‘s going to need some time to come round and then bring your father round as well. I know that to you it may seem like a wonderful new beginning to your life, and you can’t wait to make progress, but to her it must seem as if she’s losing her son.’
‘I’m afraid that she’s already lost her son but it could be an opportunity for her to gain a daughter, if only she’s willing to take it.’
‘I can see that, but maybe she can’t, at the moment. Perhaps you could write her some kind of letter of apology,’ my Aunt suggested.
‘But I don’t feel that I need to apologise for wanting to be who I am. I didn't choose to be this way. If anyone should apologise, it should be them, to me.’
‘Perhaps apology is the wrong word, but maybe you could write a note of explanation for what has happened to you without assigning any blame. Then give her a few days to digest it and come round.’
‘Should I tell her about the hormones?’
‘I think from now onwards you should be totally honest with her and the sooner the better. I can’t think of a better way of convincing her that you are truly in earnest. She may well freak out when she discovers what you’ve been doing, but I’ll be there to help her through the crisis. She’ll be angry with me for not telling her before now, but I can honestly say that I knew nothing about the hormones.
‘Nor did Carol, I told nobody in the family until afterwards.
‘I hope that she’ll still listen to what I say and I’ll do my utmost to make sure that she doesn’t do anything which might cost you or the others your jobs.’
‘Alright, I’ll do my best, and thanks for all your help, Aunt Emma.’
‘Well, good luck, Ally. Whatever happens with your parents, I’ll always be happy to have you as my niece.’
I smiled and began to dry my eyes. My aunt and I went our separate ways to different parts of the ship.
‘Those hormones really are beginning to impact on my emotional state, I thought to myself, but it was the physical changes that I was longing for.
The morning after my conversations with Mum and my aunt, the ship was due to call at Corfu as the first port of call on our return journey. George had previously asked if I would like to come ashore with him for a few hours, but I’d excused myself just in case Mum had relented and wanted me to go ashore with her. Once it became clear that this wasn’t going to happen, I decided to spend my free hours in my cabin with my laptop. I took the autobiography that I’d compiled for Dr Martinez and adapted into a version aimed at my parents. The new account was somewhat longer and attempted to explain what had been going on in my head regarding my gender identity, for as long as I could remember. In doing so I recalled several incidents and feelings from my childhood and through my early teens, when I should have said something to them, but I'd kept quiet instead. I recalled the painful occasion, as a nine year old, when I did eventually pluck up courage to try to explain, only to have all my feelings and concerns dismissed as a passing childish fantasy. Eventually, when I was satisfied with the new account I printed out a copy using Maria’s printer. I also printed out a couple of useful documents giving advice to the parents of transgendered teenagers and on the likely impacts of HRT, which I’d discovered on the internet, and attached them to the document, hoping that, if she didn’t believe me, she might do someone else with more experience.
In an accompanying handwritten letter addressed to both my parents I explained that I felt that I could no longer continue life as a young man and so had consulted a doctor in Spain and had begun hormone replacement therapy to assist with my transition to full-time life as a woman. I didn’t go into any further detail as I felt the less they knew about the mechanics of the process and how I funded my treatment the better. I said that this was entirely my own decision taken without the knowledge of, or consultation with, my Aunt or my cousin. I expressed regret that, for a variety of reasons, I hadn’t felt able to discuss my plans with them or to keep them informed of my decisions before this time but considered this to be essential for my long term mental health and physical well-being. I didn’t assign blame, nor offer any apology; I merely portrayed the situation as I saw it. I ended by saying that I truly hoped that they would be able to accept me in my new identity, whilst making it clear that reversion to the ‘status quo ante’ was not an option for me. I signed the note, ‘your loving daughter, Alexandra.’ I sealed everything in a large envelope, addressed it to Mum and arranged for it to be delivered to her cabin. It would be there to await her as soon as she returned from her shore excursion. Once she had opened it and read the contents there would be nothing left for her to discover and I would have to face the implications of all my decisions.
Neither Mum nor Aunt Emma turned up to see our evening show, which was probably just as well as I was not performing at my best. I kept having visions about the drama that was no doubt unfolding in their cabin with accusations made against myself and Aunt Emma and urgent telephone calls made or emails sent to summon my father from Bahrain.
During the Bunny Hop the following morning I was able to keep my promise to our two young fans by accompanying them on the keyboard whilst they performed their party piece. They weren’t at all bad and we all offered them our congratulations. Like so many girl singers, I doubted whether they would be able to make it to the big time, but like me and the other Bunnies they would have happy memories to brighten their future lives.
After the session Carol wanted to speak with me.
‘Mum wants to have a quick word with you but doesn’t want your mother to know that she is doing so. I’ve borrowed the key to the lads’ dressing room since they won’t be using it this morning. Would you go and wait for her; she’ll join you as soon as the coast is clear.’
‘That sounds a bit ominous,’ I said taking the key from her.
Carol gave me a sympathetic smile, but didn’t respond, so I assumed that I was right. Ten minutes later my aunt joined me for our secret rendezvous.
‘How did things go with Mum?’ I asked.
‘Not good, I’m afraid. We had a good time together ashore at Corfu and she forgot about her troubles but then she came back and found your package. I’ve been awake half the night trying to calm her down.’
‘I did my best to break it to her gently and to provide her with background reading.’
‘I know but she doesn’t see it that way. As far as she’s concerned you’ve sprung the news on to her when she was on her own without your Dad being present.’
‘But can’t she see that it’s my life; I have to do what is right for me.’
‘Of course she can; that’s part of the trouble; she realises that in the last resort there’s nothing she or anyone else can do to stop you.’
‘So what is she doing now?’
‘At the moment she’s busy emailing your father and telling him to leave whatever he’s doing and come over and meet the ship when it docks at Southampton next week.’
‘I thought as much but that isn’t going to make any difference to me. I’ve now started my transition and will continue taking the hormones for as long as necessary to achieve my object. I want to be on good terms with my family, continue my education and get a steady and worthwhile job, but if I have to sacrifice all those things in order to become the woman I feel myself to be, then so be it.’
‘I don’t think you’ll need to go selling your body on Southampton Docks quite just yet, but you must realise it’s going to take time for your parents to come round.’
‘So what should I do now?’ I asked.
‘I suggest that you should both keep out of one another’s way, at least for the remainder of the voyage. She won’t want to come and see you perform, and it might be as well for you to avoid the public areas at other times.’
‘I’ll do my best but it won’t always be possible. I do have other duties on board than just performing.’
‘I know and I’ll endeavour to keep the two you apart, just in case there should be a row in public.’
‘Thanks for all your help.’
‘I know just how upsetting it can be when families fall out with one another. Your cousin Susan still blames me for breaking up with your Uncle, that’s why she left us to join him a few months ago. I suspect that in time though she’ll learn the truth, that neither of us was entirely to blame.’
She then looked at her watch.
‘I’d better go now before your mother begins to wonder where I am, but I’ll keep you informed how things are progressing through Carol.’
I wasn’t really surprised by the way things had worked out with Mum but nevertheless felt quite depressed by her reaction. I never doubted for one moment, though, the rightness of what I was doing, with or without the support of my parents. I therefore went to find George to ask him to have a coffee and a chat with me as I felt I’d been neglecting him ever since my mother’s arrival.
Thanks to Angharad and to Bronwen for proofreading, and to everybody who has left a comment or awarded a kudo.
There will be a total of 26 chapters.
Louise
![]() |
Sometimes it is more important to listen to your inner voice than those around you.
Copyright © 2015 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Over the next few days I saw nothing of either Mum or Aunt Emma on board, due largely to the fact that all concerned were seeking to avoid one another in the hopes that things might cool down. I did, however, learn from my aunt (via Carol) that my father had emailed my mother back to say that he was in the midst of an important project at work and couldn’t just drop everything and fly to the UK. Apparently he didn’t say anything about my news other than that he trusted my mother’s judgement where I was concerned and would support her in whatever she decided to do. That was fairly typical of him - to seek to avoid any family situation or confrontation where feelings and emotions might become involved. On this occasion, though, it was to my advantage as it was now just a question of getting my mother to see reason. The absence of any other message from my aunt over the next few days was a confirmation that this might be easier said than done.
Monte Carlo was our next port of call after Corfu where most of the passengers went ashore to look round the town or visit the famous casino. However, most of the entertainment staff had been given additional duties on this occasion so we would only have been able to go ashore for a couple of hours, at most. In return, though, we were assured that the Bucks and the Bunnies would be given a full-day off when we reached Barcelona. This new arrangement suited me as I’d no particular wish or resources to visit any casino and didn’t want to come face-to-face with my mother in public, if I could avoid it. George and I also used the opportunity for an additional choir practice as we felt that everyone was doing well.’
‘Do you think they’re now good enough to perform in public?’ I asked George after we finished our rehearsal.
‘I think so. Maybe we could include a fifteen minute slot for them in the show on the last night of the cruise, he replied.
‘Could we use the performance as an excuse to collect any unwanted Euros or other currencies from the audience for a charity helping the Ebola crisis?’
‘I don’t see why not but we’d have to clear it with Frank Johnson first. Tom is planning to phone him on another matter when we get to Barcelona. I’ll ask him to make sure there would be no problem as far as he’s concerned.’
‘Thanks.’
‘There will be a midnight sailing when we leave Barcelona so we won’t be required to do an evening show that night. We’ll have a full day and the evening free so I wondered if you have any plans for the day, Ally?’’
‘It doesn’t now look as if my mother is particularly anxious to spend any time with me, so the answer is no. Maria did say something about a Magic Fountain which operates in the evenings after sunset, but I’m not sure that I’d want to walk back from there on my own in the dark.’
‘What’s that?’ he asked.
‘It’s called the ‘Font Magica and is some kind of water show with coloured lights and music, at the base of Montjuic Hill. Apparently it only operates at, or soon after, sunset but it’s only a kilometre away from the ship. There would be plenty of time to get back in time for the sailing, if you’re interested in taking me?’
‘Yes I’d love to,’ he replied enthusiastically. ‘I went to the top of Montjuic with the others when we visited the Olympic Stadium in May; there are some nice gardens and great views of the city from up there. There’s also a museum dedicated to the painter Joan Miró but the others aren’t too bothered about the visual arts so we didn’t visit. I don’t suppose you'd be interested in spending some time there during the afternoon and then having dinner with me before we go on to look at the magic fountain?’
‘It’s a deal,’ I replied, smiling. ‘I don’t know much about Miró, so you’ll have to explain his paintings to me.’
Maria’s suggestion of a visit to the Font Magica light show also went down well with the remaining Bucks and the Bunnies, especially as it was free of charge. Carol, Beth and their respective boyfriends, and the two other Bucks had all made different plans for the day but we agreed to meet up at the entrance to the Espanya metro station at quarter to nine and make our way there together. Even Maria, who was now regarded by everyone as an honorary Bunny, expressed a wish to come along even though she had seen the spectacle many times before.
The morning after we left Monte Carlo I had to remove my breast forms for a while as my own breasts were beginning to feel quite tender underneath. I examined myself in the mirror and noticed the areola around the nipples had grown darker and there was a tiny lump underneath my left breast, but no trace of anything under the right hand one. I’d been warned that it would be months rather than weeks before my breasts began to grow to any noticeable extent.
‘Maria, when your breasts began growing, did they do so together?’ I asked anxiously.
She smiled.
‘In my case yes, but I had a friend with one breast growing much larger than the other. Do not worry, it is quite natural and in the end they will be equal. I am afraid that they will feel uncomfortable sometimes and perhaps even a little bit painful. Also you will find that they do not grow evenly, but will stop and then start again.’
‘We would refer to that as ‘growing in fits and starts’,’ I said, beginning to examine other aspects myself more closely.
The skin on my face and arms definitely felt softer than previously. Fortunately I’d never had much beard growth but it had been several days since I’d last needed to shave. Likewise I’d never been particularly muscular but I seemed to have lost some muscle from my upper arms. I’d already noticed that I tended to feel more emotional than before. The hormones I’d been taking every day for the last fortnight were definitely beginning to have a small effect on me.
It was a two-day voyage from Monte Carlo to Barcelona, with a brief stop in Ajaccio in Corsica on the way. During this time nothing out of the ordinary happened: we held one afternoon and two evening performances and one Bunny Hop before arriving in Barcelona, late in the evening, ready for a twenty-four hour stopover. I’d seen no sign of Mum nor of Aunt Emma, which slightly saddened me, but at least Mum wasn’t seeking to make things difficult for me at work. However, the morning after our arrival in Barcelona I was sitting at a table in the front of the theatre with a queue of passengers in front of me. I was ticking off names on lists for the various excursions and allocating them to the different coaches waiting on the quayside. I noticed the next in line was my aunt.
‘Hi Aunt Emm, where’s Mum?’ I asked as I took the two tickets from her.
‘She’s waiting for me in the back row; I’m afraid she still doesn’t want to talk to you.’
I sighed, but wasn’t particularly surprised.
‘How are things between the two of you?’
‘A lot better now, thanks, Ally. I’m doing my best to get her to see reason about you, but it isn’t easy.’
‘I appreciate that,’ I said. ‘Thanks for all your trouble.’
Then, changing the subject, I said: ‘I see you’ve both booked for the Gaudi day tour, what are your plans for this evening?’
‘We’ve been advised to find a tapas restaurant in the El Poble-Sec district.’
My aunt looked a little uncomfortable, and I was aware of the queue of customers standing behind her.
‘I’m trying to help but it’s probably best that I did not spend a lot of time talking to you now,’ she said.
‘Of course; I understand. Have a nice day together.’
George and I had a very nice day together. We took the funicular railway from near the Paral-lel metro station up Montjuic and made our way to the Fundació Joan Miró where we spent more than two and a half hours looking at the paintings and sculptures. George was always more interesting company on his own rather than in a group and he was both witty and informative without seeking to show off. He explained to me about Miró’s development as an artist and his influences. He also encouraged me to seek to understand what the artist was trying to do with the more abstract pieces and give my own interpretation of them.
‘What do you think of that one, Ally?’ he asked.
He was referring to one of the sculptures on the roof, the lower half of which consisted of a bright red, but otherwise naturalistic, pair of woman’s legs (perhaps taken from a tailor’s dummy) whilst the upper half of her body was largely abstract in form. The torso was in bright yellow and blue and the red head looked up to the sky (there is a photograph at the Wikipedia entry for Joan Miró).
‘I think I know how she feels,’ I replied with a smile.
He laughed and we walked on, but my response wasn’t entirely in jest as the sculpture somehow seemed to sum up how I felt about myself as a woman – as yet only partially formed - although I didn’t say so to George. I came away determined to find out more about Miró and indeed Antoni Gaudi when I had the opportunity to do so as it now appeared that I was going to be a regular visitor to Barcelona.
We spent a pleasant lazy afternoon walking through the terraces of the Laribal gardens on Montjuic Hill or else sitting on one of the benches and admiring the view. I was wearing a lemon yellow summer dress that I’d bought in one of the outlet stores in Portsmouth and white shoes. I’d gone for a simple, natural look, without too much makeup, which seemed to suit both my surroundings and also my mood on that day.
‘Do you have any plans for after the summer is ended?’ asked George at one point.
‘I don’t know really, Carol and Beth will be returning to University so I guess I’ll have to look for a job.’
‘What sort of job?’
I shrugged.
‘Anything, just so long as I can continue working as Ally, whilst I apply for university next year.’
‘So Ally is here to stay.’
I nodded but didn’t want to get into a discussion about hormones with him at this stage if I could avoid it.
‘The guys and I are planning to ask for a meeting with Frank to see if there's any chance we could continue working after our current contract expires. If he agrees to keep us on, we’re still going to need a decent singer, so would you be interested in doing so as well?’
‘As a soloist?’
‘We all think that you’re good enough.’
‘I’m not sure George. Being one girl out of three has been an easier introduction for me, but as a soloist I would inevitably have a higher profile.’
‘Well, have a think about it and let us know before the end of the voyage.’
‘OK and thanks for the invitation.’
‘By the way, I never did get to ask you how are things working out with your mother and your aunt?’
‘My aunt is fine, but the fact I’m with you today is an indication that my mother is far from being reconciled to having me as a daughter.’
‘I suppose it must have come as quite a shock to her.’
‘Yes but it now feels so right for me to be living as a girl. I know that there’ll be many difficulties facing me in the future but I’m sure that I’m doing the right thing.’
He looked at me and then smiled.
‘I think so too,’ he said as he put his arm around my shoulder and kissed me on the cheek.
I don’t think that either of us imagined that there might be any long term relationship between us but he was now accepting me as a woman and that was all I asked of him. At that moment I left all of my concerns about my parents and my future behind.
Spaniards tend to eat their evening meals rather late, often after ten o’clock at night, but they do have a great culinary tradition of serving tapas (hot or cold appetizers or snacks), which are ideal for tourists who are more used to eating earlier. At five thirty we made our way back to Paral-lel and began to explore the Gothic Quarter (Barri Gòtic) of the old city, looking for a tapas bar where we could sit outside and watch the streets gradually fill up with people after the afternoon siesta. Then at eight thirty we made our way along the Aviguda del Paral-lel to meet our friends at the Espanya metro station.
Maria and a colleague from the salon, named Anna, together with Tom and Jim from the Bucks were already waiting for us when we arrived. I was surprised to see that Maria and Tom were holding hands. I knew that he had a long-standing girl-friend back in Portsmouth, but maybe this was no longer on. It was time Maria relaxed and enjoyed herself a bit more - as long as it was just a fling and didn’t get too serious. I would have to find out more when we were next alone together.
‘Hi George, Ally, what have you two been doing all day?’ asked Jim.
‘Nothing much, we’ve been to an art gallery and some gardens,’ my escort replied.
‘But we’ve been having a great time,’ I added.
Maria asked if she could have a quiet word with me; I was anxious that she might be about to tell me that I’d made some basic error with my dress or appearance that might give myself away.
‘No Spanish woman would wear her bag on the shoulder like that; it would be too easy for someone to steal it. Put it round your neck,’
‘Alright, but aren’t you being a little paranoid as we each now have a guy to look after us,’ I said with a smile.
‘Ally, I know my city much better than you do. Barcelona is safe from serious crime but it has the highest rate of minor crime in Spain and the Mediterranean. It used to be the local drug addicts but now there are gangs who come here from Eastern Europe just to steal from the tourists during the summer. They can earn more in a few weeks here than they can in a year working at home.’
‘Why don’t the police do something about it?’ I asked.
‘Most thefts from tourists do not get reported to the police, those that do get reported are usually not investigated. The victims are only visiting for a few days and do not wish for any more trouble. Both the thieves and the police realise that. If they are convicted the thieves will be sent home but will be back after a few weeks.’
‘But why don’t the tour companies put pressure on to the police? After all, tourists bring a great deal of business to the city.’
‘They do not do anything because it is in the interests of the tour companies to say that the city is not safe for visitors to go out and explore on their own. Then they can make even more money by organising excursions for them.’
Soon afterwards we were joined by Carol and Beth and their two boyfriends, who had been on the cable car over Barcelona's Port.
‘The Font Màgica is at the end of Avinguda Maria Cristina, it is only a short walk from here,’ said Maria, pointing in the direction of the twin Venetian towers.
By the time we got to the fountain, there was already quite a crowd, waiting for the show to begin.
‘Please be careful with your handbags and wallets, everybody. There are many gangs of pocket pickers who come to this area for the evening shows,’ said Maria.
The daylight was just beginning to fade when the music started with Beethoven’s ‘Ode to Joy’ and the fountains and coloured spotlights sprang into life. It got progressively darker over the half hour of the show and the light and water effects became more impressive as a variety of popular classics including Strauss waltzes and the ‘Polovtsian Dances’, were played to create different visual effects.
As we stood admiring the display, with George’s arm over my shoulder, I had a strange feeling that I was being watched. I turned and saw that Mum and Aunt Emma were standing about thirty feet away. Aunt Emma appeared not to have noticed us, but Mum had done so and I could feel her disapproval.
‘George,’ I said quietly.
As he turned his head to face me I kissed him on the lips.
‘What was that for?’ he asked with a smile.
‘Because we’ve had such a great time together today,’ I replied with a smile and placing his arm over my shoulder once again.
‘Yes we have, haven’t we?’
I surreptitiously looked to see how Mum had reacted, but she’d now turned her back to me and seemed to be suggesting to my aunt that they move on to get a better view of the display.
Once the show had finished we all agreed that it was well worth the trouble of attending, and were happy to remain for a second half-hour performance, although conscious that as soon as it was over we would have to begin walking back to the ship. Fortunately Maria knew the old city well and proceeded to guide us through various back streets until we eventually came out at the Plaça de les Drassanes, on the seafront, not far from the cruise terminal. By this time our group had joined quite a few others who were all walking back towards their respective ships. In fact I caught sight of Mum and Aunt Emma walking a few yards ahead of us. They were just negotiating their way through a group of teenagers who appeared to be half blocking the footpath.
Suddenly, one of the group roughly pushed Aunt Emma out of the way and a second one grabbed Mum’s handbag from her shoulder, pushing her forcefully to the ground as he did so. Both my mother and my aunt cried out in surprise. It all happened so quickly.
‘Hey, stop him, someone; he’s a thief! Bolsa de ladrón’ I shouted as I ran to their assistance.
But I was too late; by the time I’d reached the thief he’d already got hold of her bag and tossed it across to an accomplice on a bicycle who had started to pedal away.
Thanks to Angharad and to Bronwen for proofreading, and to everybody who has left a comment or awarded a kudo. Louise
![]() |
Sometimes it is more important to listen to your inner voice than those around you.
Copyright © 2015 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
In retrospect, I have to admire the choreography involved as my mother’s handbag was passed from one thief to another. Those teenage lads who’d been looking out for a suitable target were certainly skilled at their trade although I did manage to land a glancing blow on the cheek of one of them and draw a little blood with my finger nails before he slipped out of my reach. However, they hadn’t reckoned on the two middle-aged ladies that they’d targeted having any connection with the larger group of young adults walking a few yards behind them. There was a loud crack as Tom from the Bucks (who happened to be walking at the end of our line) stepped in front of the accomplice and landed a direct hit on his nose, sending him flying from his bicycle. George was next on hand and wrested the stolen bag from him, stamping on the wheels of his fallen bicycle as he did so. For a moment it looked as if the one or two of their colleagues in the group might be prepared to retaliate and seek to regain their prize, but the five guys in our party soon made it obvious to them that they would allow no such a thing to happen. The thieves apparently thought better of the idea and made a rapid retreat, with blood pouring from the cyclist’s nose and leaving his now un-rideable bicycle behind.
Carol and I rushed over to tend to our respective mothers.
‘Are you all right, Mum?’ I asked,
‘Yes, just a little shaken,’ she replied
‘You have to be more careful as the cruise ships attract all the local thieves and bag snatchers,’ I said as if I were a seasoned old hand and had not been warned by Maria about the same thing less than two hours before.
George came over carrying Mum’s handbag.
‘I believe this may be yours, Mrs Fletcher,’ he said, offering it to her.
‘Oh thank heavens for that!’ she replied, still in a state of shock. ‘I had everything in there; my money, my passport and my credit cards.’
I shook my head at her naivety.
‘Come on, Mum, let’s get you and Aunt Emma back on board,’ I said.
I turned and smiled and mouthed my thanks to both Tom and George, most impressed by the speed of their reactions.
Carol and I escorted the two sisters on to the ship and back to their cabin whilst our friends made their way on board discussing the night’s adventure.
I had very little sleep that night as I was spending the whole time going through the events of the previous day and thinking about my future. What was I going to do at the end of the summer when our current contracts expired, and more particularly what was I going to do over the ensuing year? I quite liked the idea of remaining with the ship as a solo singer with the band, and I suspected that Frank might be willing to continue to employ us. After all, cruises didn’t just stop in September but continued all the year round with a slightly older clientele – there would be no more need for the Bunny Hops. If I were able to remain it would inevitably place me more in the limelight. Was that what I wanted? Would it help or impede my transition or my decision to continue my education the following year? I’d discussed the possibility of my staying on with Beth the previous evening but she was adamant that she was going to return to University and finish her degree which I fully understood. I was also fairly sure that Carol would feel the same way, although I resolved to check with her before making any decision of my own. Even Maria, who earlier in the summer had been worried that she might not be able to continue her studies at the University of Barcelona, now felt more confident about her forthcoming resit exam. It looked as if I was going to be the only one in our group with no specific plans; just a vague feeling that this could be my one opportunity to sort out my life once and for all.
Since I needed to discuss my plans with Carol I sent her a text first thing the following morning suggesting that we have breakfast together. She agreed to do so and inevitably our first topic of conversation concerned our two mothers.
‘I phoned Mum first thing this morning. Apparently they’re both fully recovered from last night and intend to come along to see us after the Bunny Hop this morning. Perhaps we could have a coffee together.’
‘Both of them?’ I asked, slightly surprised.
‘Yes, it would seem so.’
‘That’s a promising sign; maybe Mum and I can perhaps start talking to one another again.’
‘I do hope so, it is getting a little awkward for Mum and me having to tread on eggshells between you two,’ said Carol. ‘Maybe last night’s events will be an opportunity to break the ice.’
(I smiled at her use of mixed metaphors and resolved to discuss the difference between idioms, similes and metaphors with Maria.)
‘I’m not feeling particularly bullish about the prospect,’ I replied.
‘In more ways than one,’ she said with a smile. ‘So what was it that you wanted to discuss with me?’
‘There are two things. First of all, George and I have had a message from Frank giving us permission to include the ship'd choir in the show on the last night of the voyage. I’ve only got a few days to organise everything so it would be great if you could help.’
‘No problem, just tell me what you need me to do.’
‘Thanks. The other thing is that the guys are hoping to stay on for a while after the summer and will discuss the possibility with Frank when we reach Southampton. They’ve asked me if I would be interested in joining them. I wondered about your own plans.’
‘It’s back to University I’m afraid. I only wish we’d been offered this job last summer, then I might have considered taking a year out of my degree course but it’s now too late to change my plans.’
‘I guess so.’
‘So what do you think of the idea for yourself?’ asked Carol.
I quickly looked around to make sure that no-one else was in earshot of our conversation.
‘I would be nervous about going solo as a singer but at least it would give me the opportunity to continue consulting Dr Martinez at regular intervals to oversee my hormone therapy.’
‘And continue to see George,’ she added on my behalf, with a smile.
‘Maybe, but that wouldn’t be a major consideration,’ I said colouring slightly
I thought for a moment.
‘I would also be able to keep in touch with Maria during our regular visits to Barcelona. However the guys will need to understand that I’ll be applying to different Universities during the course of the next year.’
‘So you’re still planning to apply to university?’
‘Yes, of course.’
‘I thought your parents were going to cut you off without a penny,’ she said.
‘If I work and save hard over the next year, and take out a student loan to cover the fees, I’ll probably have enough to begin the course, although it will be a struggle.’
‘Well good luck,’ said Carol. ‘Maybe we’ll be able to revive the Bunnies again next summer.’
‘We’re not finished yet. We still have three more cruises to complete, but I’ve really loved being one of the Bunnies and would hope to revive them whenever you and Beth are free to do so.’
Mum and Aunt Carol turned up midway through the Bunny Hop and stayed to watch. After we’d finished they both came over to talk to us. That was a substantial improvement on the situation two days before.
‘How are you two feeling this morning?’ I asked.
‘We’re both alright now thanks,’ answered Aunt Emma. ‘It was just the shock of it all. It was such a pity as otherwise we’d had a good time in Barcelona.’
‘You can take things easily for today and there shouldn’t be any similar problems when we call at Cadiz tomorrow. But please don’t take your passport or any other valuables ashore with you. Leave them in the safe in your cabin,’ I suggested.
‘I’d like to thank those two young men that you were with yesterday. I was too shocked to do so last night,’ said Mum to me.
‘I’m not sure what the guys are doing at the moment, but why not come along to one of our performances and speak to them afterwards?’ I suggested.
Aunt Emma glanced at Mum, as if she was signalling a silent instruction to her. It seemed as if they’d had a serious talk together following last night’s incident.
‘Alright then, we’ll come along this afternoon and I’ll thank the two young men afterwards. In the meanwhile, Ally, may I have a private word with you today?’
‘Yes of course, I’ve an hour free now, if you like, but then I’m due to give an English lesson.’
‘Where should we go?’
‘There’ll be plenty of people sun-bathing on the top deck, but I expect we’ll be able to find somewhere that is out of earshot from anyone else,’ I replied, thinking that we would be less likely to end up shouting at one another if we were in a public arena.
Mum frowned but agreed to follow me.
‘So how have you been enjoying the cruise?’ I asked breezily as we ascended in a crowded lift.
‘Well it certainly has been eventful and full of surprises,’ my mother replied.
We made our way over to a corner of the deck that was unoccupied and each took a sun lounger. I put on my fake Lauren sunglasses and waited for her to begin, but she seemed unsure what to say.
‘I saw you and your friend at the fountain show last night,’ Mum began.
‘His name is George, and yes I was aware that you were staring at us.’
‘You seemed to be having a good time together.’
She was doing her best to disguise it but there was a trace of disapproval in her tone. I could have said something sarcastic in response, but I’d resolved to ignore such minor irritations.
‘We’d had a great day out together and had only just met up with the others.’
‘So is he your steady boyfriend now?’
I could tell that this was a difficult question for her to ask as it inevitably implied a degree of acceptance on her part that I might be gay. This was something she’d not discussed with me before.
‘Mum, this has nothing to do with my sexual orientation; it is all about my gender identity. I thought I’d explained that to you in those documents that I’d sent you. If I enjoy George’s company it’s because he treats me as a woman and that’s all that I’d ask from anyone who is seeking my friendship,’ I replied.
‘So you really do want to become a woman?’
I sighed with frustration. I’d tried to explain this to her on many occasions, both in person and in writing, yet somehow the information still hadn’t got through. I was right in my assessment that she only listens to things that she wants to hear. But maybe now there was an indication that she was beginning to listen, although the message would no doubt need to be re-iterated from time to time.
‘No. I don’t want to become a woman – I feel that I already am a woman inside my head – I’ve always felt that way. That’s why I’ve begun to take those hormones so that my body can begin to correspond to my mind.’
‘But where will it end?’
I wasn’t going to get into a discussion about future surgery options as there was still much for me to find out and consider on this subject.
‘It will end with me making the best life I can in the gender role I should have been raised in.’
‘But what about your education? Your career? Marriage?’ she asked.
‘My education and career prospects need not be affected, so long as I’m able to complete my transition fairly soon and change my legal status. In fact they’re likely to be enhanced if I can live a fulfilled life rather than pretending to be someone I’m not. As to marriage, once I’ve completed my transition I’ll be able to legally marry as a woman or enter a civil partnership if I’m able to find someone who can accept me and wants to share my life. That person may be a man or a woman, I’m not really sure at the moment.’
‘But what about a family?’
‘I don’t know. Many transgendered individuals have attempted to deny or suppress their true feelings only to discover later in life that they could no longer continue living a lie. I don’t want to fall into that trap. It wouldn’t be fair on any partner or children for me to pretend to be a man when I know that I’m not.’
There was an awkward silence. For the first time I had the impression that what I’d been saying all this time was beginning to sink in.
‘Is there anything that I can do or say that is going to make you change your mind and stop doing to yourself what you appear to have started?’ she asked eventually.
This was not said in her usual ‘I know best’ tone of voice, but rather in the spirit of genuine enquiry. I turned to face her and lifted my sunglasses so she could look straight into my eyes.
‘No, I’m sorry Mum, there isn’t anything you can do or say to me. I listened to your advice nine years ago, you were wrong and I've regretted it ever since. I’ve recently discovered who I really am and I’m not prepared to sacrifice my happiness by delaying my transition any longer. I would dearly love to make things up with the both of you, but I’m afraid it can only be on my own terms. If I have to do this on my own, without your love and support, then so be it, but make no mistake, I will be going through with it.’
There was no anger in my voice just a quiet certainty, which she must have recognised. Mum averted her gaze and looked at the deck before speaking.
‘I thought this sort of thing only affected other people, like those mentioned in the case studies that you sent me. But then I read your own account of your childhood and I felt ashamed.’
At least she appeared to have read the documents that I sent to her.
‘Were you ashamed of yourself, or ashamed of me?’ I asked quietly.
She sighed.
‘Both, if I’m really honest. But I can’t help it.’
I knew that this would be a factor in how she received the news of my transition. My mother was acutely conscious of what other people thought.
‘I’m sad that you consider me to be an embarrassment to you or if you feel that I’ve let you down in some way, but I have to be true to myself. As far as I’m concerned I’ve never felt so good about myself or more proud of what we’ve achieved as I have during the last few weeks.’
‘I can see that but I’m afraid that is the way I was brought up,’ she said. ‘It’s going to take me some time to come to terms with the idea of having a transgendered son.’
‘I would rather that you thought of me as your daughter who happens to be a transgendered woman,’ I replied. ‘But I suppose it’s something that you don’t appear to be writing me off altogether.’
She sighed.
‘No, I’m not writing you off altogether, but you must allow me time to get used to the idea of having ‘a daughter’.’
From the way she said those words it was clear that she was still having difficulty with the idea, but at least she seemed to be making an effort.
‘Yes, of course I understand Mum. It is going to be difficult for both of you. I hope one day to make you proud of me as your daughter but I’ll only be able to do that if I’m true to myself.’
‘I guess so,’ she replied with a sigh.
‘I won’t be able to travel to see you in Bahrain for a while until I can get a new passport as a woman, but at least we’ll now be able to keep in regular touch with one another by Skype.’
She would have to decide for herself what she said to her expat friends, and when, but now that I’d ‘come out’ to my parents as well as my cousin and aunt, I would no longer be afraid of what anyone might think of me.
‘I’ll also have to explain things to your dad,’ she said.
‘I thought that you’d already told him.’
‘He knows that you’re working as a female impersonator and I mentioned that I was worried about your future, but didn’t go so far as telling him that you were living as a girl full-time and planning a permanent change of sex.’
‘It is a change of gender rather than a change of sex,’ I corrected patiently. ‘Just tell him the truth and show him a few of the pictures of me on Flickr. I’m sure he’ll be alright about it as long as you’re able to accept my transition and it doesn’t interfere with his precious work,’ I replied with a smile.
‘I hope you’re right. I’ll probably tell him when I get back home.’
‘Let me know when you’ve done so and then I’ll talk to him on Skype.’
She sighed and touched my hand.
‘As there appears to be nothing that we can do to stop you, I suppose we’ll both have to find a way to accept you as our daughter.’
‘I’m afraid so,’ I replied.
‘Well I’ve never doubted that you looked nice dressed as a girl.’
‘Even when I’m wearing makeup?’
‘Yes, even when you’re wearing makeup.’
‘Thanks, I enjoy taking trouble over my appearance and looking good. As I said, my friend Maria has been helping me in this respect, but I’m gradually getting the hang of what to wear and how to do my hair and makeup.’
‘So I see.’
‘One day, maybe, we’ll be able to go out clothes shopping together, as mother and daughter, but not until you are more comfortable with me in my new identity and I’ve gained more confidence as to who I am and how I want to look. But in the meanwhile why not come to our performance this evening, so you can see how glamorous we can look.’
She sighed, but otherwise appeared to be acquiescent.
‘Alright, it looks as though I have no choice. I’ll come to your show this evening and perhaps afterwards I’ll be able to meet those friends of yours to thank them for their help.’
Thanks to Angharad and to Bronwen for proofreading, and to everybody who has left a comment or awarded a kudo. Louise
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Sometimes it is more important to listen to your inner voice than those around you.
Copyright © 2015 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
I gave a summary of the morning’s discussion with Mum and my feelings of resolve and optimism for the future to the Bunnies whilst we were getting ready for the show that evening.
‘I know now that with determination on my part I’ll be able to complete my transition from an unhappy and conflicted young man to a reasonably stable young woman,’ I said.
‘Does your mother see it that way?’ asked Carol.
‘It seems as if we’ve reached some kind of a truce. Neither side has won in the battle of wills between us but at least she now seems willing to accept the reality of my transition and realises that there’s nothing she can do to stop me.’
‘Well that’s something,’ commented Beth.
‘Yes, but she’s still some way from welcoming me as her new daughter or wanting to boast to her friends about my achievements.’
‘That’s something that she and Uncle Jim will have to come to terms with over the next few months, if they don’t want to risk losing contact with you altogether,’ said Carol.
‘But why does it have to be such a struggle? Surely one’s parents should want what was so clearly the best outcome for their child?’ I asked.
‘I guess she’s worried about you; that you might one day come to regret your decision.’
‘I realise that I’ve been extraordinarily lucky with the way that things have worked out for me over the past few weeks and I’ve no illusions that it’s going to be all ‘plain sailing’ from now onwards. There are bound to be problems and setbacks, but I'm certain that I would have far more regrets if I didn’t take this opportunity. I couldn’t continue the way I was, getting more and more depressed.’
‘Well if nothing else, you’ll have Mum and me back you up.’
Maria had been fixing my hair during this conversation and then said something which surprised me.
‘I met your mother this afternoon. She asked for me to cut and style her hair for her. She told me that she liked the way that I had done your hair and asked for my advice about her own. I think she was happy with the result as she left a good tip for me.’
‘What did you talk about?’ I asked, intrigued why Mum should have sought out Maria in this way.
‘I tell her that I was sorry she was so nearly robbed and that she needed to be more careful in Barcelona. She asked about my family and I told her that you have had lunch with my parents who wanted to thank you for helping me learn English. I told her that you are a very good teacher and that you have helped me so much that I am no longer worried that I will fail my examination in September.’
‘How did she react to that information?’
‘She said that she’d always known you were clever but had not realised that you had so many talents.’
‘Did she refer to me as ‘Ally’ and ‘her daughter’?’ I asked.
‘Yes, of course she did! I would not have known who she spoke about if she had said Alex. I told her that you are fortunate with your looks and that you were learning how to make the best of them. She agreed and said that you always seemed to look smart.’
‘It seems as if she’s making an effort to understand you better,’ commented Beth.
‘I hope so,’ I replied although I wasn’t entirely sure about that.
I decided that we’d said enough about me for one day so I looked around for a new topic.
‘Now then Maria, what were you doing holding Tom’s hand last night?’
‘Yes, Maria, you saucy wench, I thought that you’d decided to abstain from men and devote your life to learning English for the summer,’ said Carol.
Maria smiled and shrugged.
‘Ally has taught me well so maybe the time is right to have (how you say it?) a ‘fling’ for the summer. Also it will improve my English conversation to spend some time talking with Tom.’
‘He’s not the most talkative of guys but maybe you can bring him out of his shell,’ suggested Carol.
‘Shell? What shell? He is not un caracol.’
‘Carol means for you to help him to overcome his shyness - timidez. So long as you don’t get hurt in the process,’ I cautioned.
‘So says the girl who had her tongue in George’s mouth at the magic fountain, last night,’ commented Beth.
I blushed and smiled at the same time, not realising that it had been so apparent. I really enjoyed these sessions whilst we got ourselves ready as they provided an opportunity for us to bond together as a group, to discuss clothes, boyfriends or any problems that we were encountering in a way that never would have happened between guys. I really enjoyed my life as a girl!
As promised, both Mum and Aunt Emma came to our show that evening. Mum looked especially smart with her new hairstyle and always knew how to dress well. We’d been performing in our bunny costumes and (in my opinion at least) were looking good, although I was a little anxious as to what Mum was going to think about them. I was however pleased that both the Bunnies and the musicians had lost none of our recent good form and again we gave an excellent show that was well received by the audience. Mum and Aunt Emma came over to speak to all of us all at the end of the show. After the initial congratulations regarding our performances, Carol and Beth began speaking to Aunt Emm, leaving me once again to face Mum.
‘I do like you hair, it really suits you,’ I said before she could make any comment about my costume.’
‘Thank you, dear. Your friend Maria did it for me.’
‘So I understand; she’s a good hairdresser, even though she’s studying for a course in business management.’
Mum then proceeded to change the subject.
‘I must say that all six of you gave excellent performances this evening. I just wish your Dad could have seen you.’
‘Really? Do you mean that?’ I said, involuntarily.
She was trying her best to be nice.
‘Of course I do! But now I want to thank your two friends for their help in Barcelona, would you mind introducing me to them.’
By this time the guys were beginning to pack up their instruments.
‘By all means, come over and have a few words with them.’
Tom was quite gracious, saying that he hoped that both Mum and my aunt had recovered from the shock of the night before and was pleased that he’d been able to help. At first George seemed a little embarrassed by the encounter.
‘I’d like to thank you for returning my bag. It would have ruined my holiday if I’d lost everything.’
‘Yes, of course, but really I did nothing it was all due to Tom’s fast reactions.’
Mum smiled.
‘I understand that you’ve been seeing my daughter, George.’
This time there was no hesitation and no awkward inflection, with her use of the word ‘daughter’.
‘Yes, Ally and I have been working closely together on some of the musical arrangements and we’ve also been out together on a couple of occasions,’ he replied. ‘She’s great fun to work with. You’re lucky to have such a talented daughter.’
I coloured slightly, and restrained myself from kissing him on the spot.
‘So it would seem,’ Mum replied.
He smiled and they said goodbye to one another. There was no awkwardness or embarrassment on his part. For the first time I felt truly accepted by all present and so as Mum turned to go I slipped my hand into George’s and gave it a little squeeze. Mum and I then rejoined the others.
‘Are you three allowed to join us for a drink in the lounge,’ she asked.
‘Yes, but you’ll have to give us time to get changed first,’ said Beth.
‘Alright, Emma and I will find us all a table and order some drinks and you can join us as soon as you are ready.’
It proved to be an enjoyable evening. Mum was on her best behaviour and there was no awkwardness, no reference to Alex.
‘Why can’t she always be like that?’ I asked Carol as we made our way back to the crew quarters afterwards. ‘It would make life so much easier to have her on my side.’
‘Give her time, I’m sure she’ll come round eventually,’ my cousin replied.
The following morning we docked at Cadiz for a few hours. Mum and Aunt Emma had signed up to go on a coach tour of the main sites, and were unlikely to come to any harm during the day. Carol and Beth and their respective partners were planning to spend some time on the wonderful beach at La Caleta, which gets crowded at weekends but is normally alright mid-week. Maria was working; I remained on board as I’d been invited to attend a discussion with the guys about our future plans. Tom began the proceedings with an account of the longish telephone conversation he’d had with Frank Johnson when we were in Barcelona.
‘I’ve arranged for us all to see him when we get to Southampton. Apparently they have continued to receive excellent feedback about our performances to date. He is quite willing to discuss our future employment beyond the end of the summer but as usual there are some matters that will need to be resolved.’
‘What sort of matters?’ I asked.
‘The most important one, as far as we are concerned, is the issue of vocalist or vocalists. I think we’ve been very lucky the way the two groups have fitted together so well over the last few weeks and we don’t want to have to go looking for new singers if we can avoid it.’
‘You may have to, I understand that Beth and Carol will both be returning to University in September,’ I replied.
‘But Ally might be interested in continuing as a soloist,’ added George.
‘I’ll be available and looking for work for the next year but am planning to go to University in September 2015. I would be interested in staying as long as it’s also understood that I might have to have the occasional day off to attend interviews,’ I replied.
‘I did raise that possibility with Frank but he would have some concerns about that.’
‘Oh,’ I said somewhat surprised. ‘I thought I’d been doing quite well, and there have been no issues with any of the other staff regarding to my gender.’
‘His reservations don’t relate to the quality of your performance as a singer, in fact he said that he was most impressed with all the additional things that you’ve done.’
‘So what’s the problem?’ asked George.
'He’s increasingly anxious about your legal employment status. As things stand, if you had an accident at work or were taken seriously ill overseas you may not be covered by the company’s insurance. He took a risk by employing you for the summer as he was desperate, but if he were going to take you on longer term you would need to regularise your employment situation with the Department for Work and Pensions.’
‘I’d already thought about that myself,’ I replied. ‘I intend to visit their office to notify them that I am transgendered and intend living as a woman full-time so that I can get a new National Insurance account and sort out my existing pension contributions. I’ll also probably have to undertake a registered legal name change so that I can apply for a new passport.’
‘So you’re planning to continue as Ally, long term,’ commented James.
‘No, not just long term, I’m beginning a permanent transition and have begun taking female hormones. By the time I’ve completed my first year of University I hope to be legally recognised as a woman.’
The guys didn’t look particularly surprised by the news. I was fairly sure that none of my friends would have told them, but maybe they’d worked it out for themselves. After all I’d made no secret of how much I enjoyed my life as Ally and it was some time since any of them had thought of me as anything other than a young woman.
‘If that’s the case I’m fairly sure that Frank will have no further reservations, and I’m certain that we’d all be happy to have you as the solo vocalist with the band,’ said James.
The other two grunted in agreement.
‘Thanks guys, and I’ll be delighted to sing with such good musicians.’
The last full-day at sea before we returned to Southampton was exceptionally busy for me and although I caught sight of Mum on several occasions I didn’t have much chance to speak to her other than to say hello. After our final Bunny Hop of the voyage I had to dash away for an extended choir practice as we would have our debut public performance later that evening. Neither Mum nor her sister came to our afternoon show but Aunt Emma did come up and speak to me afterwards.
‘I was wondering whether you were planning to come back to Waterlooville with us when the ship docks tomorrow, Ally?’
‘No thanks, you won’t have room to put me up if Mum is staying with you for a couple of days. In any event I’ve a meeting with our boss in Southampton and need to go and see the Department of Work and Pensions,’ I replied.
‘Maybe you could come over for a family meal on Friday evening before your mother goes back home, and I’ll drive you and Carol back to the ship afterwards.’
‘Yes, I’d like that, as long as Mum is happy with the arrangement.’
‘She won’t have any choice about it if she wants to remain under my roof. But she’s already beginning to recognise that you are happy and successful in your new life, so I’m sure she’ll come round in the end.’
‘Carol said that to me last night. I hope you are right.’
‘Carol tells me that you’re planning to continue working on the ship after she and Beth return to University in September.’
‘Yes, I hope so, but that’s why I need to sort a few things out.’
‘In that case you’ll always be welcome to stay whenever you return to Southampton.’
‘Thanks. I’m sure I'd like to do that as I’ll probably get a little stir-crazy if I have stay on the ship all the time. In any event it’ll be nice to see you and Carol.’
(Carol attended the University of Portsmouth and so lived at home during term time.)
Aunt Emma now appeared to be on the point of leaving.
‘By the way, are you two planning to come to the show this evening?’ I asked.
‘We were intending to do our packing after dinner. We have seen the Bunnies perform on several occasions this trip.’
‘It’s just that the ship’s choir will be performing for the first time tonight. I’ll be conducting.’
‘I’m not really a fan of choral music.’
‘No it’ll be pop classics, the Carpenters, Abba – that kind of thing. Tell Mum that I’ve included, ‘We’ve only just begun,’ just for her.
I knew that was the song that had been played at her wedding and remained a favourite.
My Aunt smiled.
‘Alright, I’ll tell her and we'll see what happens.’
It is probably getting a bit repetitious for me to keep saying that the performance by the Bucks and the Bunnies went well that evening – but it’s true - although I promise that this will be the last time I ever say so. At one point we were each taking it in turns to lead with a medley of Queen songs (‘The show must go on,’ ‘Bohemian Rhapsody,’ ‘Under pressure,’ ‘We Are The Champions,’ ‘Somebody to love’ and ‘I Want It All,’) as this gave the guys a good opportunity to show off their skills as instrumentalists. I noticed Mum and Aunt Emma in the front row looking appreciative of our efforts. They must have deliberately finished their dinner early, sacrificing their desserts in order to have secured such good seats.
As soon as we were finished, before the applause had entirely died down, George and I had to leave the stage and execute a quick costume change. In my case I had to shed the bright pink body-hugging mini-dress that I’d worn for our performance in favour of the uniform provided for me by the company for when I was undertaking other duties on board. Carol helped me to get changed as Maria was busy helping the other ladies in the choir with their preparations. Richard (Carol’s boyfriend) was doing the same organising the guys in the choir.
When we were all ready, George took his place at the Grand piano and I led the choir on to the stage. I began by explaining to the audience that the ship’s choir had only been formed recently and this would be our first public performance. I cracked a few jokes about the difficulty of getting such a diverse group of men and women incorporating seven different nationalities to sing in tune, which seemed to go down fairly well. I then became more serious and said that earlier that month Médecins Sans Frontières had described the Ebola crisis in West Africa as ‘totally out of control’ and requiring ‘massive resources.’ We would therefore be leaving buckets near to the door and hoped to collect some money for a charity helping Ebola orphans in Sierra Leone. We then began our performance.
We weren’t by any means perfect in our performance, but we weren’t bad and much better than I’d feared we might be earlier in the day. I had my back to the audience and so couldn’t really judge their reaction, although there seemed to be appreciative applause after each number. We finished with ‘World in union,’ the theme used for the Rugby World Cup and adapted from Holst's ‘Jupiter’ from ‘The Planets.’ By the time we reached the last verse the members of the choir were really beginning to ‘up their game’.
It's the world in union
The world as one
As we climb to reach our destiny
A new age has begun.
This time the applause was really loud. As I turned to face the audience and take a bow, I noticed that Mum was crying in the front row. She was still crying as I gestured first to George our accompanist and then to the choir so that they could share the applause. I suspected though that they were not tears of unhappiness or frustration so much as of pride and joy in what we’d just achieved. At that moment, I felt that given the slightest excuse I might just do the same thing. However, I managed to hold things together to enable me to congratulate and thank the members of the choir afterwards and receive a bunch of flowers from them. It wasn’t until I was alone in our dressing room that I eventually succumbed and began to sob. Sometimes music can affect you in that way.
Many thanks to Angharad and to Bronwen for their comments and corrections to my chapter drafts and to everyone who has commented, kudoed or contacted me directly by PM about the story.
Louise
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How I became a girly girl by Louise Anne Smithson At the age of eighteen I discover that I have a younger half-brother living nearby who has recently suffered from a family tragedy. Since nobody else seems to want to employ me, I go to look after him for the summer, and discover that he is involved in a journey that will ultimately involve me as well. What starts as a simple baby-sitting job turns into a rediscovery of who we both are.
The story is principally set between May and September 2010, in Woodley, a suburb of Reading in Berkshire and the neighbouring town of Bracknell. However, it also involves visits to Nottingham and Bangkok.
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Chapter 1
Julian — ‘the runt’
‘I’m afraid I’ve some bad news, your father was killed in a road accident last night.’
For a second I thought I was dreaming - but then I came to my senses.
‘What are you talking about? I heard him farting in the bathroom only a few minutes ago?’
‘I don’t mean your dad, I mean your natural father. He was involved in a car crash in Reading last night together with ‘… that woman’; I'm afraid he was killed outright and she’s in a coma.’
Although their divorce was nearly sixteen years ago and she came away with a generous financial settlement, my mother has never been able to forgive her first husband for his infidelity, or refer to his second wife as anything other than, ‘… that woman’ (this designation was always preceded by a slight hesitation to show her distaste). Yet Mum was at least now trying to sound distressed by the news.
‘Phew, that’s a relief,’ I responded; (after all, it is hard to be too upset about someone you’ve never known).
‘Don’t be callous and disrespectful to your father,’ she said.
Mum is forever accusing me of not reacting ‘appropriately’, but given some of the names I’ve heard her call him over the years, this is a prime example of the pot calling the kettle, ‘a kitchen utensil’.
‘He may have been unfaithful to me, but he loved you and was proud of you,’ she continued.
This was news to me. As far as I knew, nobody had ever been ‘proud’ of me since I starred as one of the sheep in my infants’ school Nativity Play.
‘In that case he’d a funny way of showing it. He never came to see me or remembered me at Christmas or my birthday,’ I replied.
Mum looked distinctly embarrassed.
‘He tried to stay in touch for a while, but I sent his letters and cards back. I was given custody and threatened to sue him if he tried to contact you. It was more important for you to have a clean break and form a relationship with your step-father,’ she said, defensively.
‘You bitch. It’s only after he is dead that you tell me this.’ I thought. ’Thank heavens I’ll be leaving this house in a few weeks.’
I took a deep breath and managed to stop myself from saying anything out loud, to prevent yet another row, which seemed to be a regular feature of our relationship over the last few months. Instead I got out of bed, grabbed some clothes and made for the bathroom, slamming the door and locking it behind me. I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of seeing me cry. By the time I emerged thirty-five minutes later both my parents had left for work.
I’d just finished the last of my ‘A’ levels and had a confirmed place to read Human Geography at Nottingham University in September, so was no longer required to attend school. I’d recently sent my C.V. (such as it was) to a number of local shops and factories hoping to find a job for the summer and was waiting for some response, although not exactly bowled over by the rush of those wishing to employ me. I was therefore still at home mid-morning when Mum rang with some more news of the tragedy.
‘The funeral will be next Wednesday; I think we should both attend.’
‘If I have too,’ I said in a voice conveying my lack of enthusiasm, whilst silently cursing if it should delay me from starting a job.
‘And you’re going to need a black dress,’ she said.
‘That woman uses any excuse to try and dress me up like a ‘girl’, I thought.
(I’d any number of dresses, skirts and blouses that she’d bought for me over the years, and which I hardly ever wear.)
‘Is that really necessary?’ I asked wearily.
‘Yes, of course, we must show him some respect.’
‘Like returning his letters unread.’
‘In that case I’ll choose one for myself,’ I replied.
‘I doubt if there’ll be anyone worth meeting at the funeral, but if I have to wear a dress, I may as well get one that I can use another time.’
‘As long as you buy yourself something sensible and decent,’ she answered.
I changed the subject without replying to that comment.
‘What has happened to ‘… that Woman’?’
‘She’s critically ill in hospital,’ she answered, ignoring the sarcasm in my question.
‘Didn’t they have a little boy?’ I asked, not sure where I’d acquired the snippet of information from: I guess I must have overheard my parents talking about it sometime.
‘Yes, his name is Julian, and he’s fifteen now,’ she replied briskly, but seemed unwilling to say any more on the subject.
The funeral was due to be held at Reading Crematorium about thirteen miles from our house. (We live in Bracknell which would feature in the Guinness Book of Records except they don’t have a category for ‘the Most Boring Place on Earth’.) Luckily Dad was due to work from home on the day of the funeral, so he let us use the car. Mum had never learned to drive, but I’d recently passed my test and was anxious to get in as much practice as possible before I left home.
In the end I bought myself a compromise little black dress in the Bentalls department store Summer Sale (the one which seemed to begin the day after their Spring Sale ended). The dress looked ok, just about satisfied Mum in terms of its decency and didn’t increase Dad’s overdraft by too much. The only problem was that I wasn’t really used to having my legs on display to the world and these days felt rather self-conscious in a dress.
‘You can look really nice when you make the effort,’ said Mum, as I sat in the driving seat, hitched up the skirt and slipped off my high heels and put on some slippers to enable me to drive more effectively.
‘Come on then, let’s get it over with,’ I responded with a sigh and started the car.
There were a fair number of people at the funeral, almost all crusties and, as far as I could gather, friends, or colleagues of ‘the deceased’. He didn’t appear to have any family, other than ‘… that Woman’, who was still in a coma in the Royal Berkshire Hospital (thus unable to attend), and my half-brother Julian, whom I now met for the first time. My goodness, what a little runt he turned out to be. He was an inch, or more, shorter than me and showed no signs of becoming a man. I suppose he did have a rather sweet face and longish fair hair for a lad.
‘Are you sure he’s fifteen? He looks more like a twelve year old to me,’ I whispered to Mum.
‘Of course I’m sure, it was his birth that gave rise to my divorce,’ she replied with a hint of acid in her voice.
‘Hasn’t anyone explained to you about puberty yet?’ I thought to myself, as Julian and I shook hands with one another a little awkwardly.
He was dressed in a brand new dark grey suit which was a size too large for him; apparently nobody had bothered to tell him so. He also wore a white shirt and black tie — traditional dress for a funeral - but he succeeded in looking like a little lost waif out of some Victorian fairy tale. After a while though my heart began to melt towards him, so I gave him a hug and told him how sorry I was for his loss. Mum looked on disapprovingly, with pursed lips, but didn’t say anything.
I even sat next to ‘the Runt’ in the front row during the funeral service, as there was no-one else to do so, and then I did the unthinkable - I held his hand for the duration of the service. This was partly because I felt sorry for him, but I also wanted to take my mind off my own emotions. I was hearing things about a man, of whom I’d no memory, and would never now know. By all accounts he’d been a good person, a loving husband and father, who was kind to animals and helped old ladies to cross the road, and all that sort of thing. He just happened to have made the wrong choice as a young man. Mum sat in the seat on the other side of me, and began to sob quietly into her handkerchief. (It was probably just as well that Dad wasn’t there.) I was on the point of comforting her when I remembered those missing letters and birthday cards. It was all very well being sorry now, but she might have shown some forgiveness whilst he was alive. It was going to be some time before I forgave her for depriving me of any contact with my natural father.
We stuck around for half an hour or so after the cremation, looking at the flowers and reading the cards, just to show willing. However, I was quite anxious to return to Bracknell as soon as possible, as I’d be going out with my friends that evening. I therefore went to say goodbye to the Runt; again offering him my condolences and the hope that his mother (formerly known as '...that woman - now ’the Vegetable’) would soon recover. He looked rather dismayed when I told him we were about to leave.
‘I’d hoped we could have a talk together after the funeral. It’s quite important,’ he said.
I looked around: Mum had found a mutual friend of herself and ‘the deceased’, from years back and they were busy catching up with news. It would take several minutes of increasingly sarcastic comments before I’d be able to dislodge her.
‘Alright, I suppose I can stay for a little while longer,’ I said to Julian trying to stifle a sigh. ‘What did you want to talk about?’
‘I’ve read my father’s will; it was in the bureau in his study. He has left you a quarter of his residual estate. The house and contents, his pension, his life insurance and half of everything else will go directly to Mum, but you and I should each inherit more than twenty-five thousand pounds from him.’
‘Twenty-five thousand pounds!’
Suddenly there was the prospect of my leaving college without a great pile of debt hanging over me, or else of not having to count every penny and use every opportunity for paid work over the next three years. My natural instinct was to kiss ‘the Runt’ and dance with joy, but the time, the place and the dancing partner didn’t seem to be 'appropriate'.
‘But I didn’t even know him,’ I answered, instead.
He shrugged.
‘You were his only daughter and he realised that it wasn’t your fault that you’d had no contact. I think he was hoping to get in touch with you now that you’re eighteen and an adult.’
‘I just wish he hadn’t left it so long,’ I replied, suddenly struggling to stop tears from coming to my eyes.
‘There’ll be a delay before you see any of the money,’ Julian continued. ‘Mum is named as the executor of his will, but she has suffered a severe brain injury and it looks as if she’ll never come out of the coma.’
His voice, which had been remarkably controlled up to this point, now began to tremble.
‘I’m afraid her chances of survival are not very good.’
‘Oh Julian, I’m so sorry,’ I said hugging him once again, this time with my tears joining his.
‘Thank heavens for waterproof mascara.’
‘It’s alright,’ he said collecting himself. ‘I’ve known about her situation for several days now, and I have to plan for what will happen to me if she were to die. I’m still a minor and not in a position to take any legal steps by myself.’
He hesitated for a moment before continuing,
‘But you could apply to become the administrator of my father’s estate.’
‘Why me?’ I asked.
‘Well you’re his only surviving relative who’s not a minor, and not in a coma and unlikely to recover.’
‘But I wouldn’t have the first idea how to administer an estate.’
‘I would,’ he responded, looking me straight in the eye. ‘I know exactly what to do and have all the information and documents we need. I’ve been researching it on the Internet for the last few days. I’ve downloaded and filled in all the necessary forms and would be able to draft all the letters; you’d just have to sign your name, and then swear an oath.’
‘My goodness, this kid seems to have his head screwed on.’
I had to remind myself that he was nearly sixteen, and not the thirteen-year-old that he appeared to be.
‘But is that legal?’
‘Yes, of course it’s legal. You’re an adult, and would be acting in our joint interests.’
‘But don’t you need a solicitor to do it?’
‘Employing a solicitor would only delay things and cost us both a lot of money, which we’d have to pay jointly as the residual legatees. Solicitors tend to see the administration of estates as honey-pots to subsidise their less lucrative work, and make extortionate charges for every letter sent or telephone call made. There’s no reason why we shouldn’t do the necessary work ourselves as the will is quite straightforward and there’s no dispute involved.
‘Residual legatee? Extortionate? Lucrative? What planet does he come from?’
‘I’ll have to think about it Julian, you’ve rather sprung this on me,’ I answered.
‘There’s one other thing,’ he said.
‘Now what?’ I thought, and then felt guilty as he’d just given me some very good news.
‘Go on,’ I said.
‘I’m only fifteen and shouldn’t be living on my own. Strictly speaking, I should go into local authority care, and if Mum were to die in the next few days, that’s what’ll happen to me, unless, of course, I can find an adult relative who’s willing to take responsibility for me.’
‘I thought you didn’t have any adult relatives?’
‘My mother has a younger sister in Canberra, Australia, but she has a young family and can’t come here and I certainly have no intention of going there,’ he said with some distaste.
I had some sympathy with him there, I understand from my Geography lessons that Canberra is like a larger version of Bracknell, only with a Government House.
‘But I also have, you?’ he continued.
‘You expect me to act as your step-mother?’ I said, incredulously.
‘Not a step-mother, just a grown-up big sister.’
It’s ironic, as a young girl I always longed to have a little brother, and now, just when I’ve grown out of that longing, I’m being offered one, ready-made and on a plate. He seemed to be a nice enough kid though - if a little nerdy. I sighed.
‘Julian I’m only just eighteen, myself. I wouldn’t know how to begin to look after someone else.’
‘I don’t need anyone to look after me, Jennifer. I can look after myself perfectly well. I just need someone to take responsibility for me until the end of August, when I’ll be sixteen and can legally look after myself.’
‘Please don’t call me Jennifer,’ I snapped. ‘Only my mother does that when she disapproves of something I’ve done or have failed to do. Call me Jen or Jenny.’
‘Sorry Jenny.’
I sympathised with the Runt’s predicament, but I’d issues of my own to deal with.
‘I’m sorry mate, but I need to find myself a job for the summer and have applied to several shops. I’ll be going to University in September. I can’t take on the responsibility for you.’
‘Money is not a problem as Mum is still receiving her salary and will do so for as long as she lives. I’ve access to her bank account. I could afford to pay you as much as you’d otherwise earn, if you were willing to come and stay with me whilst she’s in hospital. You could also have the use of her car. I’d expect you to drive me to the hospital each day and collect me in the evening, and for us to do the shopping together. Otherwise your time would be your own. You could drive over to see your friends in Bracknell if you want, or call in at your own house. I don’t mind being on my own, as long as there’s an adult technically in charge.’
‘What would happen if, the worse came to the worse and your mother died?’ I asked, trying to make it sound as if it were unlikely to happen.
‘In that case I’ll inherit the whole of Mum’s estate and be quite well off. I’d continue to pay you until you left for University, by which time I’ll be sixteen. I would, however, ask you to help me administer both my mother’s and my father’s estates.’
I found it amazing that this little boy could deal with the loss of his parents in such a cold and unemotional way. Yet I didn’t get the impression that he was cruel or avaricious, just numb and running on autopilot.
‘Julian this is all quite astounding. Let me think about what you’ve said overnight and contact you tomorrow,’ I said. ‘Do you have a mobile phone?’
We swapped numbers, I said goodbye and left him in the charge of a group of crusties wishing to console him. I went to prise Mum away from her conversation.
‘What were you talking to Julian about after the service?’ asked Mum, as we were driving back on the Motorway.
‘He might know of a summer job for me,’ I replied.
‘I’m not sure I want you getting involved with ’that family’, she said.
‘‘That family’ just happens to include my half-brother who’s on his own since his mother has become a Vegetable,’ I said coldly. ‘It once included my natural father, whom I’d have loved to have known; only I was prevented from ever doing so,’ I continued, giving the knife a little twist as it went in.
Mum didn’t say anything else to me during the journey home, or indeed for the remainder of the day.
By the time we got back to Bracknell I was feeling pre-menstrual and no longer in the mood to go out. I went up to my room, changed into some more comfortable clothes and rang my friend Susie, to cry off, citing my imminent period as an excuse. I sat on my bed, hugging my big teddy bear, thinking about the events of the last week, and of the last day in particular.
At about seven-thirty, Dad came in to see what was up and if there was anything he could do to help. I told him about the funeral and what I’d learned over the last week. I even cried on his shoulder for a little while, but he never was much good at offering consolation. He means well enough, but like most men, has the emotional intelligence of a turnip. (When I was sixteen I’d sometimes dissolve into tears in front of him on any pretext just to amuse myself with the inept way in which he dealt with the situation - but I digress.) On this occasion I was quite glad of his company and that he stayed to talk for a while.
‘I’m sorry Jen, but the business between your mum and your natural father was largely over by the time I came on the scene,’ he said. ‘Their divorce was finalised, custody established and the various threats and acrimonious comments made. I always thought she was making a mistake regarding her attitude towards him, and I told her so, but she said that I didn’t understand and just mentioning his name upset her. I’d no idea she was returning his cards and letters addressed to you. She was wrong to do so, but I’m sure she thought that she was doing her best for you.’
‘It would have been nice to have had the opportunity to decide for myself,’ I said.
‘Remember you were only a kid at the time, and kids don’t understand the hurt that their parents are going through.’
‘So they get used as weapons to punish the other parent with instead,’ I responded bitterly.
He didn’t answer, so I think he probably agreed with me.
I then told him about my conversation with Julian, and his two requests to me.
‘It must be devastating for such a young man to lose both parents in that way. He seems to have been left in an awkward situation.’
‘But is he right in what he says?’ I asked.
‘I think he may be right; fifteen is an awkward age in the eyes of the law. Technically he’s still a child, even though he may have the intelligence of an adult.’
‘He seems to have the intelligence of a twenty year old, but looks like a thirteen year old.’
‘People often form their judgments on the basis of outward appearances,’ said Dad.
‘Do you think that it would be legal for me to administer our father’s will?’
‘I don’t think he’s asking you to break any law. You’re an adult, he’s still a child.’
‘But should I go and stay with my half-brother for the summer, and take responsibility for him, as he suggests?’
‘That’s up to you to decide, love. It rather depends on whether or not you wish to get to know him better or not.’
‘I’d like to help him, if I can, but I do also need to earn some money before I go to college. It sounds as if it’ll be many months before I see any sign of that inheritance.’
‘Well, if he’s willing to pay you a reasonable wage, I can’t see that there’s a problem. After all you haven’t had any other offers of work. Your mother and I won’t be far away if you get into difficulty. Perhaps you should go and see him at his home tomorrow and then decide what you want to do.’
‘What about Mum, what’ll she say about it? I asked.’
‘Don’t worry about your mother; I’ll sort things out with her.’
Chapter 2
The big house at Woodley
As promised, I gave ‘the Runt’ a call the following morning. He was waiting for a bus to the Royal Berkshire Hospital intending to go ‘vegetable sitting’ at his mother’s bedside, but admitted that he would be serving no useful purpose by doing so. I suggested that I should take the next train in to Reading and that we meet up for a coffee and a talk, as there were some questions that I wanted to ask him. If I wasn’t happy with his answers, then at least I’d be able to have a look around the shops afterwards, so my day wouldn’t be completely wasted.
He was waiting for me when I arrived at the station at ten-thirty. This time he was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt and looked less like the ‘little lost lamb’ of the day before, but he still looked nowhere near his actual age. I was wearing my usual halter-top and jeans.
‘Hi Jenny, you don’t look so forbidding, as you did in the black dress that you wore yesterday,’ he commented in a jokey voice as we met.
Presumably this was a lame attempt to break the ice.
‘Me forbidding! Bloody cheek!’ I thought.
‘And you don’t look such a wimp, as you did in that suit and tie,’ I replied.
At least my response brought a little colour to his cheeks.
‘Where shall we go for coffee?’ he asked tentatively.
‘There’s a coffee bar in Friar Street near to the Market Place; it’s usually not too busy.’
(After all, I didn’t want to be seen by anyone I know whilst I was out with ‘the Runt’.)
We found ourselves some seats in a corner and I treated him to a cappuccino.
‘Alright young Julian, now tell me some more about this baby-sitting job. I want to know exactly what I’d have to do, where I’d live, and how much I’d be paid.’
He’d clearly been thinking about it overnight, as he now turned to a pocket notebook.
‘Taking those in reverse order, I’ll pay you £200 per week, which is more than you’d earn working in a shop, especially as you’ll be paying no tax or national insurance, and you’ll have no living costs. You’d stay in the spare bedroom of our house which is quite large and well-furnished, but of course you’d also have the use of the rest of the house. Regarding your duties, I’d expect you to follow my guidance and sign any letters as we administer our father’s estate, and be prepared to confirm to any social workers that may turn up that you’re looking after me and ensuring that I’m not in moral danger. I should also appreciate a lift to and from the hospital and for you to take me shopping once a week. In return you could have the use of my mother’s car, although you’ll have to pay for your own petrol if you drive over to Bracknell. We’d share the cooking and housework on a fifty-fifty basis. That’s all.’
‘That doesn’t sound very time-consuming or difficult,’ I said; ‘are you sure that’s all?’
‘The duties are not exactly onerous are they? The main thing is that I’ll be using your name and your legal status as an adult.’
‘Onerous? Legal status? Where does he get these words from?’
‘Talking of ‘legal status’ — will you promise me that we’ll not be doing anything illegal?’
‘Yes, as far as our father’s will is concerned. What you do in your own time is your business.’
‘Did I notice the trace of a sense of humour there?’
‘One other thing you should know, before we go any further, I may not have a boyfriend at present, but I’m not intending to remain celibate for the whole summer, if I can possibly help it,’ I replied.
‘If you wanted to bring a boyfriend back to the house, I’d keep out of your way. I’d probably just go to my room as I’ve always plenty to do on the Internet,’ he replied.
‘What about you, do you have a girlfriend?’
I already knew the answer to that one, just by looking at him.
‘No, I’m a bit of a loner,’ he said sadly, ‘but I won’t be any trouble to you.’
Somewhat against my better judgement, I couldn’t stop myself from feeling sorry for ‘the Runt’.
‘In that case you’d better let me take a look at this spare room,’ I answered.
We took a bus out to Woodley, the suburb of Reading where they lived. On the way I asked for some more details about his family and my father in particular. What he was like? What he did for a living? How they lived? I love my step-dad, and have no regrets about his role in my upbringing, but it became clear that I’d have been somewhat better off financially if my mother had stayed with my natural father. After getting off the bus, it was a short walk to a largish four-bedroom detached house with a double-garage and a well-tended garden. It was secluded on three sides by conifer trees.
‘’The Runt’ will be quite well-off if he inherits this pile,’ I thought, as we entered the front door.
The house was comfortably furnished and not at all messy, other than a pile of opened cards and letters of condolence on a table by the front door. But the living room, with an expensive HD television set and hi-fi, and the large well-equipped kitchen, were both clean and tidy. Clearly my half-brother had done some cleaning up over the last week, which, given his circumstances, was quite commendable.
‘I’ll show you the spare room,’ he said, leading the way upstairs to a nicely furnished bedroom with a double-bed, built in cupboards, a chest of drawers and dressing table. It was more than twice the size of my bedroom at home.
‘This has definite possibilities as a boudoir,’ I thought, ‘and I wouldn’t have Mum breathing down my neck all the time, or listening out for creaking bedposts.’
‘Unfortunately your room doesn’t have en-suite facilities, but there’s a bathroom and shower just across the corridor, another one in the master bedroom, and also one downstairs, so we are unlikely to get in each other’s way.’
There’s plenty of cupboard space,’ I said sliding open one of the doors.
There were two dresses hanging inside, together with a pair of high-heels and a couple of other items of clothing.
‘Those are Mum’s, I’ll clear them out for you before you move in,’ he replied blushing a little.
‘She appears to have had quite modern taste for ‘a Crusty’ - at least she did so before she became a Vegetable.’
‘It’s not a bad room, I suppose,’ I said.
‘Dad used the room next door as a study,’ he said leading me to another slightly smaller room. ‘There’s a computer here with Internet access, a printer, etc. all of which you’d be welcome to use, or else there’s also wireless throughout the house, if you’ve your own laptop.’
I asked to use ‘the facilities’ as I needed to change my tampon, and in any event wished to inspect them. They were clean and fragrant. No-one had been dripping urine on to the floor or the seat. There was soap in the hand basin and a clean towel.
‘And you wouldn’t expect me to do all the housework?’ I asked as I emerged.
‘No. I promise we’d share it fifty-fifty,’ he responded.
‘What about our laundry?’
‘There’s an automatic washing machine, a tumble dryer and a rotary iron in the utility room. We can either share the work or else do our own individually, whatever suits you best,’ he answered looking hopefully at me.
‘And the garden?’
‘You’re welcome to use it for sunbathing. The back garden is fairly secluded and cannot be seen from the road. A firm comes and mows the lawn, and trims the hedges each month during the summer,’ he said.
Things seemed to be getting better and better. The wages were good, the duties virtually non-existent and the house was much more spacious and comfortable than ours’ was in Bracknell. There was also access to a car. Why should I look such a gift-horse in the mouth?
‘Alright Julian, you’ve a deal. I’ll come and look after you for the summer. I’ll have to talk to my Dad to see when he can bring my things over.’
‘Great,’ he replied, looking genuinely relieved at the prospect. ‘Do you have your driving licence with you?’
I fished it out of my bag and handed it over to him.’
‘Let’s get you sorted to use Mum’s car, as it has just been sitting in the garage since the accident. Dad’s car was bigger, but it was written-off in the crash.’
He went to a drawer in the study, pulled out his mother’s car insurance renewal letter and rang the number. This kid was amazing - so self-possessed. He pretended to be his mother, which was easy enough for him to do as his voice had not yet broken. He answered all the security questions without hesitating and gave her policy number. He then said that he wanted to add my name to the policy and handed the phone over to me whilst I answered various questions. Inevitably there was a sizable excess to pay, given my age and lack of driving experience, but he took the phone back and quoted his mother’s credit card details. Ten minutes later we had received and printed out a new insurance certificate, sent to his mother’s email account.
‘Here you are, but take care not to have an accident, I’d have some awkward questions to answer if they were ever to discover that she was in a coma at the time that your name was added to the insurance policy.’
‘I thought you didn’t expect me to do anything illegal?’
‘I’m sure Mum would have agreed, if she’d been able to so,’ he replied.
‘Oh well I suppose it would be you rather than me who would take the rap for this.’
The Vegetable’s car was a new Ford Fiesta hatchback — exactly the right size for me. They also had wonderful devices that opened the garage doors from inside the car, and closed them again afterwards. You could drive straight in to either of the two garages and then exit from the back directly into the kitchen. The garages were spacious and quite different from the tiny concrete box in our front garden with a creaking ‘up and over door’, where you could barely manage to squeeze in and out of the car and inevitably knocked your boobs as you were doing so.
It was still only late morning so we went out in the car and did some grocery shopping together at the nearby Waitrose Supermarket in Crockhamwell Road. I asked him what sort of food he liked to eat, and was relieved to discover that he wasn’t addicted to junk food like most kids his age. His mother had even taught him how to cook and he liked to include plenty of fruit and vegetables in his diet. In fact ‘ the Vegetable’ currently in the Royal Berkshire appears to have brought him up quite well. I could see our summer together working out quite nicely.
Julian paid for the groceries using cash, but afterwards went over to a cash dispenser where he used his mother’s debit card, and personal identification number to withdraw a further £300.
‘Did your parents entrust you with all their financial details?’ I asked as we walked to the car carrying our shopping.
‘No, but fortunately Mum stored all her details on a file on her computer, including the access codes to her internet banking and her PIN. She rather foolishly used my date of birth as the password. I’ve been able to transfer the contents of her savings account to my own name and am now using her current account; otherwise I’d have been in financial difficulties. As soon as Dad died everything in his bank account became frozen until we can get a Grant of Probate. I’m taking cash from Mum’s account as quickly as possible and saving it in case she should die as well.’
Again I was impressed by the controlled and organised way in which he was bending the rules to deal with his extraordinary situation.
After lunch I dropped him off at the hospital and drove to Bracknell in the Vegetable’s car, taking great care at first until I got used to driving it. I arrived at home, parked in our drive and folded down the rear seats. I went up to my room and proceeded to pack everything that I might need for the summer from my bedroom. This included about half of my clothes, my makeup, toiletries, hairdryer, curling tongs, laptop, and a couple of my favourite teddy bears for company. I was just loading it all into the hatchback when my mother arrived and asked me what I was doing, and where the car had come from.
‘I’ve found a job for the summer as the guardian of my half-brother. The car belongs to Julian’s mother, but I’m insured to drive it,’ I said, showing her the new certificate with me as a named driver.
‘Are you sure you know what you’re doing?’ she asked, in such a way that clearly conveyed that she didn’t think I did.
‘Yes thanks. This is where I’ll be living,’ I said, handing her a piece of paper with my new address and the home telephone number.
‘Well at least hold on until your dad comes home,’ she said coldly.
Reluctantly, I agreed, but for his sake rather than hers.
Dad thawed things out when he arrived, and I eventually made my exit from my parents’ house with reasonably good grace, promising that I’d call in from time to time and contact them if I needed any help. I also phoned the Runt and arranged to pick him up from the hospital on my way back to Woodley. By ten o’clock that night I’d installed myself in my new bedroom, and had eaten quite a respectable evening meal prepared by new charge.
The first few days of our living together went very well indeed. Julian didn’t turn into a helpless slob the minute a female took up residence, as I feared might happen. If he made himself a piece of toast he would sweep up the crumbs afterwards, put the butter back in the fridge and the plate in the dishwasher — relatively simple tasks that were beyond the capabilities of several guys I have known including my dad. We used separate bathrooms and only really saw one another at meal-times or when I ferried him to and from the hospital each day. He paid me in cash for the first two weeks of my stay and so I had some spending money, and he raised no objection on those occasions when I drove over to Bracknell to see my friend Susie in the evenings. When I told her the details of my new job she was quite envious that I’d found myself such an easy ride for the summer.
Susie was my one friend who’d decided not to stay on at school, instead she’d taken a job in her mother’s beauty salon in Wokingham (which is only a few miles from Bracknell) in order to learn the ropes, on the understanding that in a year or two she would take over as manageress. That was alright for her but wouldn’t have been my cup of tea; she was expected to go into work each day looking like a ‘daisy’, and spend her time trying to perform miracles on the sad, the fat, the middle-aged and the downright ugly.
Julian and I did spend a couple of hours together on Sunday afternoon when he explained the procedures for administering a will and applying for probate. It wasn’t as complicated as I’d imagined, and, in any event, he’d already done most of the necessary work. He showed me the various documents that I needed to sign, and the evidence that we needed to supply to the Probate Registry in Oxford. There would be no inheritance tax to pay as most of the most valuable assets - such as the house - would be transferred directly to the Vegetable, even though she would never be able to appreciate them. But even, so there would still be nearly £112,000 left — possibly more once the insurance claim was settled. One quarter of this would eventually come my way. I noted that my expected legacy had increased by three thousands in less than a week as Julian learned more about his father’s financial affairs. He had already obtained a letter from the doctors at the hospital confirming that his mother would be incapable of administering her husband’s will, and that I’d be applying in her place. My half brother seemed to know exactly what he was doing and so I signed where he told me, and I left it for him to sort out the remaining details.
It wasn’t until the Tuesday night that there was any cloud on my horizon.
‘I don’t expect to be home until the early hours of the morning, Jules, several of my girlfriends are going to a new night club which is opening in Bracknell.’
‘Don’t worry, I’ll be fine,’ he replied. ‘I was wondering if you were going somewhere special.’
I had rather gone to town with my appearance, since I did not have the dead hand and disapproval of my mother to curb my enthusiasm. I was wearing my shiny silver boob tube, black leggings and extra high heels. As a rule, I don’t go in for a lot of makeup but my friend Susie had given me a free sample of a new crimson shade of lipstick and I’d treated myself to a so-called ‘volumising mascara’ out of my first week’s earnings.
‘Well, you never know, this might be my opportunity to meet that ‘special someone’ to have some fun with — a final fling before leaving for Nottingham,’ I replied laughing as I left.
However, when we arrived at the club we found the evening had been cancelled. They had not acquired the relevant licence in time and had postponed the opening for a week. My friends and I stayed for a while in a pub in town complaining about the awfulness of Bracknell, but I could only drink orange juice as I was driving. I tried to persuade Susie and a couple of the others to come with me to a nightclub in Reading, but they were unwilling to do so; they’d already made transport arrangements and were worried about how they would get home afterwards and I did not relish the idea of running a taxi service around Bracknell and its environs in the early hours of the morning. In the end I decided to call it a day and drive back to Woodley. It was only just after eleven o’clock and I wasn’t too pleased about my wasted evening and disappointed hopes. As I drove the car into one of the two garages, I noticed the light on in The Runt’s bedroom.
Unusually, my brother had left his mobile phone, charging, on the kitchen work surface, and it began to ring as I entered. I answered it then rushed up the stairs looking for him. His bedroom door was half open and the light was on, but there was no sign of him inside. Then I noticed a light shining under the door of the master bedroom. He was probably using the bathroom in there. This was no time to worry about politeness. I opened the bedroom door and walked inside calling out to him. I was faced by the startled image of my half-brother sitting at the dressing table, wearing one of the dresses that had previously been hanging in the wardrobe of my bedroom, together with a pair of tights and high heels.
‘That’s all I need, I’m sharing a house with a tranny!’
‘Julian, you’d better get yourself changed and wash off that makeup; someone at the hospital has just telephoned. They think you should come in as quickly as possible to be with your mother.’
(Next time - The Royal Berkshire hospital and aftermath.)
Chapter 3
’The Vegetable’
Julian quickly changed back into his jeans and tee shirt and I helped him to remove all traces of the makeup he’d been wearing, without further comment on my part. (It was just as well that, he’d not got as far as painting his finger nails when I burst in to the room.) We went to the garage together, again without saying anything. As we got in the car I cursed that I’d not thought to change into some more sensible shoes, but it was now too late, we’d wasted too much time already. I kicked off my high heels and drove him to the hospital in my bare feet. Fortunately the roads were fairly empty at that time of night, as was the hospital car park when we arrived. We were therefore able to pull up next to the main entrance a few minutes later. Julian was out of the car and through the front door before I’d even had a chance to retrieve and put on my shoes. I therefore followed him a little later and then had to find my own way to the Intensive Care Unit. By the time I’d done so, he’d been there for a few minutes talking to the sister in charge.
‘Mum has taken a turn for the worse, they don’t think she has long to live,’ he said, as I entered the ward.
There were tears in his eyes, and so I pulled him towards me and gave him a long hug, this time towering over him because of those stupid heels that I was wearing.
‘They think I should go and see her one more time, before she dies. Will you come with me Jenny?’, he asked with a trembling voice.
‘Yes of course I will,’ I answered.
‘I just wish I hadn’t chosen to dress myself as quite such a slapper tonight of all nights.’
We entered his mother’s treatment room.
‘I’m afraid it won’t be long now, I’m so glad you made it in time,’ said the nurse who then left us alone for a few minutes.
I saw Julian’s mother for the first and last time. She was a shortish, fairly slim woman in her late thirties, with a dressing on her head and an oxygen mask which presumably was keeping her breathing. There were various monitors attached to her and it was clear that her other vital signs were erratic. I felt awful, seeing her like that, because I used to refer to her as ‘the Vegetable’, and to her son as ‘the Runt’, even though it was only to myself. Life was so unfair, she would never now see Julian grow up, just because some idiot had been driving too fast round a bend and had crashed head-on into her husband’s car.
‘Why don’t you hold her hand,’ I suggested to my brother who was just staring at her without doing or saying anything.
He did so, and I took a few steps back to let him say his goodbyes. I then brought up a chair so he could sit holding her hand and another one for me to sit with him. She died shortly after one o’clock. The monitor alarm sounded and the nurse rushed in, then seeing the flat line, she turned off the machine, called the doctor, and removed the breathing mask. His mother had been a nice looking woman and there was a clear facial resemblance to Julian.
‘I’m very sorry,’ the doctor said to Julian. ‘I’m afraid it was inevitable given the seriousness of her head injuries.’
He nodded and then said vacantly, ‘I suppose I’m on my own now.’
‘You do still have a sister,’ I responded gently squeezing his hand.
‘I hope you don’t have cause to regret saying that Jen.’
There was nothing more to be done at the hospital in the middle of the night, so after he had a little time to get over the immediate shock, I led him away and drove us both to his home. He didn’t want to go to bed at first, so I made us a drink of hot chocolate and we sat together in the kitchen for a while, holding hands but not saying very much. I half wondered whether I should say anything about the unusual situation in which I’d found him earlier in the evening, but what would I say? I could think of half a dozen clever or cutting things to say, but for heaven’s sake, the poor kid had just lost both his parents. I’d leave it for him to raise the subject with me when he was willing to do so. Eventually at about 3.30 am I put my arm round his shoulder and gently led him upstairs to his bedroom to try and get some sleep. Before he went in to his room, I told him to wait for a second. I went to my room and came back with my large black teddy bear.
‘He has always been a great comfort to me in the past,’ I said handing it over.
He gave me a faint smile and took it in his arms and went to bed.
I doubt whether he slept that night, and I know that I certainly didn’t, wondering about what was going to happen to this strange young man whom I met for the first time a week ago, but whose life now appeared to have become enmeshed with my own.
Over the next four or five days I think I must have earned every penny of my wages several times over. I’d no idea there would be so much to do when someone died, and I was amazed that my young brother had already coped with the death of our father two weeks previously, largely on his own. The following morning I drove Julian to the hospital to collect the medical certificate showing the cause of death, and his mother’s belongings. We then went in to town to register the death. In each case the officials looked to me, as the adult, rather than to my brother; even though it was him who provided the answers, it was me who signed all the forms. He also knew the ropes and had the good sense to request five registered copies of the death certificate; we would need them all over the next few weeks as we sorted out all her financial affairs. At every stage we had to listen to the officials say how sorry they were, and then make appropriate responses.
As soon as we had a death certificate we contacted an undertaker and arranged for him to collect the body from the hospital and then come to the house to discuss the arrangements for the funeral. It was the same firm who had dealt with the cremation of my father the previous week. There were all kinds of little decisions we had to make about where the funeral would take place, the order of service, the hymns, whether we wished anyone to speak, whether there would be a notice in the press etc., most of which we left to the undertaker to decide. As far as Julian knew she didn’t have many close friends, just a few colleagues from work: her life had been centred on her family.
We spent much of the next few days on the telephone or writing letters notifying so many people of her death — her employer, various insurance companies, the utility companies, the local authority, her General Practitioner and a hundred other official bodies. I even rang the sister in Canberra and broke the news to her, and re-assured her that Julian was ok and that I was looking after him. Together we went to see the staff of her bank, to notify them and explain Julian’s awkward financial situation. There had been a joint account which had passed into his mother’s name when his father died. This would now be frozen until the Grant of Probate, although they would continue to pay the standing orders and direct debit instructions which his parents had established for utility bills, taxes etc. and also the account from the Undertakers when it came. They couldn’t offer Julian an overdraft facility in his own name as he was too young, but fortunately I used the same bank and so they were prepared to grant me a £4,000 overdraft on the basis that I’d eventually be receiving a legacy from our father.
‘It’s just as well that I managed to transfer enough money to keep us going for about four or five more weeks, before she died,’ he said. ‘I just hope that Dad’s probate will have been granted by that time and so you won’t need to use the overdraft facility.’
‘So do I, but it’ll be a useful to know it’s there just in case,’ I replied.
‘I’ll have to start collecting the information we’ll need for the Grant of Probate for my mother, as quickly as possible. Unfortunately this time the process will be quite a lot more complicated and there’ll be inheritance tax to pay,’ he said to me afterwards.
‘Are you sure you want to do it yourself?’
‘Yes, I know what to do and I want to stay in control of my finances. However, I’m afraid it’ll have to be done in your name again.’
He was right. We discovered that we first had to get a grant of representation to myself giving me the right to act in place of the named executor — my late father. This involved an application to the Probate Office giving full details of her will, the surviving family and explaining that the only closer living relative who was of an appropriate age lived in Canberra. This had to be accompanied by the relevant birth and death certificates and would have to be supported by my swearing an affidavit. The process would inevitably take some time. On the other hand once we’d paid the relevant death duties, his mother’s will was straightforward — basically it all went to Julian. Because his mother had inherited the bulk of his father’s wealth, as well as her share of the house and her own personal savings, Julian would become a fairly wealthy young man once it was all sorted.
In some ways, coping with all of this red tape was a good thing for Julian as he threw himself into the task and it took his mind off his other problems. Once again he became the calm, intelligent and rather calculating young man that I’d first met at our father’s funeral. Over the next few days he spent some time on the Probate Office telephone helpline finding out what we would have to do to nominate me as the administrator of the estate. But there were times when he lapsed into a depression and a look of utter bleakness would spread over his face. I’d then try to take his mind of things with some lame joke or perhaps a hug.
As word got around about his mother’s death, there was a succession of visitors to the house; former colleagues, family friends, and neighbours, who came to offer their condolences and to ensure that Julian was coping all right. They all had to be given tea and the opportunity to say how sorry they were and what a dreadful tragedy had befallen the family. Most callers seemed to be relieved to learn that there was an adult (me!) on hand, even though, more often than not, it was Julian who told me what needed to be done. Even my parents called round to offer their condolences to Julian and to see that I was coping alright. This must have been quite awkward for my mother. I think they were pleasantly surprised to find me wearing a dress and even a little makeup. (I’d rather got in the habit of doing so over the last few days as we were never sure who would call next.) I also noticed my mother looking inquisitively round the house, presumably wondering what might have been, if things had worked out differently. As always, my dad was basically kind and understanding, if a little lacking in the finer social graces. As they left I walked with them out to their car.
‘How is Julian coping with everything?’ asked Dad.
‘It’s difficult to say, but on the surface he seems ok most of the time, but is still in a state of shock. I’m glad to be here though to keep an eye on him.’
‘I’m glad you are as well Jen,’ he said, ‘In fact I’m very proud of you.’
‘Heavens above! that’s the second time I can remember someone saying that to me in the last month! ’
‘When’s the funeral?’ asked Mum.
‘Next Tuesday, but there’s no need for you to attend.’
‘No, … it wouldn’t be appropriate,’ she answered, (my mother loves using that word).
‘After all, you only ever knew Julian’s mother as the woman who stole your first husband.’
‘I’ve washed and ironed your black dress for you,’ she said, changing the subject.
‘Thank you, I’ll call round and collect it on Monday.’ I replied, giving them both a quick kiss on the cheek - the first time I’d done so in about a year.
Then there came a succession of visits to the house by officialdom: the police liaison officer, who explained they were still investigating the accident but were waiting for the recovery of the other driver involved. A local clergyman called to offer consolation, as did Julian’s form teacher from his school and a member of the Social Services Department, all enquiring into Julian’s situation and his plans for the future. I could now see why he’d been so keen to install me in the house as his so called ‘guardian’ when he did, otherwise he would quickly have been carted off to a local children’s home, and given a short-course in glue-sniffing and shoplifting by the ‘inmates’. Fortunately, he wasn’t due to sit any school examinations that year and the summer holidays were only a couple of weeks away, and so it was agreed that, in the circumstances, he wouldn’t be expected back at school until the beginning of the next academic year in September.
The Social Worker spent almost an entire afternoon with us asking a series of detailed questions, about what would become of Julian, where and how he would live until he came of age. I did my best to sound mature and sensible. As previously requested by Julian I mentioned my applications for various part-time jobs in the area, but said nothing about my University place in September. In the end she seemed happy enough with our answers to her questions, no doubt relieved that she wouldn’t have to deal with one more problem on her case-load. As I was eighteen and he was nearly sixteen, Julian wouldn’t be made a Ward of Court but rather left in my care.
During all this time neither Julian nor I made any reference to his unusual choice of clothing the previous Tuesday night. The incident became the ‘Elephant in the room’, which neither of us seemed willing to address. I was hoping he would say something so there would be an opportunity for me either to make light of the whole thing or else to re-assure him that it didn’t really matter to me what he chose to wear in the privacy of his own home; but he didn’t do so. I couldn’t think how to raise the subject myself without upsetting him further, particularly at this most difficult time. My memories of the night also began to take on an unreal quality and I even half-wondered whether I’d imagined the whole thing. However, on Saturday morning he announced that he would be going to Woodley Library to return his own and his parents’ books. I offered to drive him there, but he said he would be happy to walk and would only be gone for about an hour and a half. As soon as he left I had a quick nose into his bedroom. Sure enough there were a couple of dresses hanging in a corner of his wardrobe and one or two other female garments, but there was no sign of any cosmetics, jewellery, wig or anything like that. Presumably he’d been using his mother’s supplies of makeup when I burst in upon him last Tuesday. I noticed that he’d also bookmarked a couple of websites on his computer — nothing even mildly pornographic, just sites giving advice to the transgendered. There was no doubt that my younger brother was a closet cross-dresser, although apparently not a very confident or experienced one.
OK, so now you know for sure Jen, what are you going to do about it? I asked myself.
At that moment I’d absolutely no idea.
(Next time - I work out a plan.)
Thanks for all the encouraging comments and kudos for the first two chapters. I am pleased that so many people have enjoyed the story so far and hope they continue to do so. Louise
Chapter 4
’My brother or sister?’
Saturday afternoon and Sunday passed uneventfully enough with no discussion or recognition of the pachyderm currently occupying a large part of the lounge. We’d rather forgotten about such mundane things as housework, laundry and shopping over the last few days and so used the time to catch up. We worked well together, each one doing their fair share, and by Sunday lunchtime we’d pretty well done everything. I offered to take him out somewhere in the car for the afternoon, to take his mind off things, but he preferred to stay in and continue working on his father’s financial affairs.
‘Julian, there's a number of things that I need do in Bracknell, would you mind if I drove over there?’
‘No, that’s ok, you go ahead’ he replied.
Apart from anything else I needed to explain to Susie and a couple of others why they’d seen nothing of me over the last week and why I wouldn’t now be joining them at the nightclub opening on Tuesday night. I also had to collect my dress for the funeral and pick up any mail for me.
‘You can come with me if you like,’ I continued.
‘I don’t know what my friends will make of ’The ru…’ my half brother, but I don’t really like to leave him on his own for several hours.’
‘No thanks. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be alright. I’ve plenty to do,’ he replied.
‘If you are sure, but you could always call me if you need me.’
On the way over to Susie’s house I called in at our house to collect my dress ready for the funeral and one or two other things that I’d forgotten. Mum and Dad were both out as they’d not been expecting me until the following evening. As I opened my wardrobe door, I suddenly had a good idea regarding Julian. There were quite a number of things in my wardrobe that I no longer wore, either because I’d grown out of them, or else because they were the sort of girly clothes that my mother liked me to wear and insisted on buying for me. I chose a couple of dresses, some skirts and tops, a silk blouse, a coat and some shoes that had hardly been worn, and put them into a cardboard box. In my drawer there was also a rather nice lingerie set which I’d never worn as they were a size smaller than I’d normally wear. They’d been bought for me last Christmas by my former boyfriend, who had ambitions of getting inside my knickers, but we broke up soon afterwards. I also found a new pair of nylon tights, which he could use, all of which I placed in the box with the other items, before loading it into the car.
‘There’s everything you might need here young Julian, I just hope you take the bait and don’t freak out. ’
I half wondered whether to say something about Julian to Susie when I saw her, as we usually shared all our secrets, but in the end decided not to do so in this case, or at least not until I’d a clearer idea of exactly what was going on. After spending a couple of hours with Sue and completing my other errands I briefly called in to see my parents again on the way home, just to re-assure them that everything was alright. I returned to Woodley at dinner time, bringing with me a take away meal for us both. It was a bit of a ‘cop out’ on my part, but it had been a busy day and I did not feel like cooking. I surreptitiously took the cardboard box of clothes up to my room, and then began to serve the meal. It occurred to me that my brother might have used my absence as an opportunity to dress-up once more, but if so, he’d covered his tracks very well as there was no apparent evidence. When I went upstairs he was working at his spreadsheet, surrounded by official looking documents.
The ‘right time’ for me to say something to Julian came the following evening. I am not sure why that should be so, but it just felt right. During the course of the day we received one or two last visitors to the house, wrote several letters and made lots of phone calls, as before. I’d taken on the role of ‘responsible adult’ and organiser of his mother’s funeral the next day, without really being conscious of having done so. I therefore had to check up on various details with the undertaker, the florist, and a nearby hotel to provide teas for the guests. For once Julian was happy to be told what to do and not make any decisions for himself in this respect. It was also his turn to cook our evening meal and at the appropriate time there was a great smell coming from the kitchen.
The dinner lived up to expectations and put most of my attempts to shame. For once, I quelled my natural instinct to crack a joke about the food. Instead I told him how much I’d enjoyed it and what a good cook he was.
‘Thanks,’ he said blushing a little and clearly surprised to receive a compliment from me, but appreciative, all the same. ‘Mum taught me. I used to enjoy helping her in the kitchen.’
‘You’re lucky, my Mum never had the patience to teach me anything,’ I replied.
He was about to get up and go upstairs and return to his spreadsheet, as it was understood that the one who had not cooked would clear the table and load the dishwasher. For some reason now seemed to be the right moment for me to say something to him.
‘Julian, do you have a clean shirt ready for the funeral tomorrow? Would you like me to iron one for you?’ I asked, trying to delay his departure.
‘No thanks I’m ok, I’ve everything I need,’ he replied in a sad distracted voice.
'Ok then here goes…, ‘
'By the way, there was a box of clothes in my bedroom at Bracknell that I’ve been intending to take to a charity shop. I’ve brought it back here in case there was anything you could use. Some of the stuff has hardly ever been worn,’ I said, nonchalantly.
He looked at me like a startled rabbit caught in the headlights of a car. It was almost as if I’d discovered him in the act of some unspeakable crime. For a second, I half thought he might make a bolt for the door.
‘Would you like to have a look through them?’ I asked in the gentlest voice I could manage.
He was silent for a moment not sure what to say; his eyes darted both ways as if to ensure that no-one else was listening.
‘Yes please,’ he whispered looking extremely embarrassed.
I brought down the box and put it on the chair next to him without saying anything else. He slowly went through it laying the items carefully on the table. There could be no mistaking my meaning. There was nothing in that box that might be remotely suitable for a teenage boy to wear.
‘B-But I thought you were angry and disgusted with me. I was worried that you’d want to go back to your home and leave me on my own again after the funeral,’ he said, starting to cry.
I got up went over to him and put my arm round his shoulder.
‘No Julian, I felt neither of those two sensations, I was just a little surprised when I walked in on you suddenly last week. If you feel more comfortable wearing those clothes around the house from time to time then it’s ok by me. However, if we are going to live together for the summer, I don’t think there should be any secrets or surprises between us. Also, if you’re going to dress as a girl when you’re alone in the house, it might be better to do so in the master bedroom, as the light is not visible from the road, and you could always leap into the bathroom should there be any unexpected visitors.’
‘Thank you for the clothes, Jenny, that’s very kind of you to offer them to me. Is there anything you want to know?’ he asked, hesitantly.
‘I suppose you could begin by telling me how long you’ve been dressing as a girl.’
This was clearly the one question that he’d wanted me to ask him, since we had first met.
‘I’ve wanted to be a girl … No; I’ve felt that I was a girl with the wrong body, for as long as I can remember. I was about eleven when I tried to explain how I felt to my parents. I think Dad was disappointed in me at first but Mum said she understood. I think that she’d always wanted to have a daughter, and would sometimes let me dress in her clothes and use her makeup when Dad was out.’
‘Why would your dad be disappointed with you?’ I asked.
‘I suppose he wanted a son to play football with, or to help him fix things about the house, whereas all I wanted to do was girlish things helping mum.’
‘He’d already lost contact with his daughter, and now he seemed to be losing his son as well. No wonder he was disappointed by both of us,’ I thought, remembering those unopened birthday cards, and feeling desperately sad for him.
‘I don’t think he would have been disappointed by you, but probably just needed some time to get used to the idea,’ I said. ‘I wish I could have known him.’
‘When I was thirteen, Mum took me to see a psychiatrist, with a view to curing my gender identity problems,’ continued Julian. ‘The only trouble was, that I managed to convince them both that I’d be better off living as a girl,’ he said with an ironic laugh. Dad wasn’t happy, but he was never unkind to me, and ultimately accepted their advice. ‘Unfortunately no doctor would agree to give a thirteen-year-old child female hormones, so Mum took me to a clinic in Thailand two years ago. They gave me a large supply of testosterone blockers to delay the onset of my puberty, and told her to bring me back when I was sixteen. I have been taking them ever since.’
‘So that’s why you look so young for your age,’ I thought.
‘Mum and I were due to go back and see the specialist again at the end of August so that I could begin my hormone regime on my sixteenth birthday. She’d even booked the flights and the hotel,’ he said continuing to cry.
‘But whatever did they say at school?’ I asked.
‘We didn’t tell them; they just assumed I was a late developer. Mum and Dad had agreed that once I began to develop breasts and they became noticeable I could leave school and continue my education on my own.’
‘So what will you do now?’ I asked.
‘I don’t know. As soon as I’m eighteen I’m determined to pay for gender re-assignment surgery and live the rest of my life as a woman. It shouldn’t be too difficult as I’ve never developed as a man. In the meanwhile, I’ll have to find some way of surviving on my own for the next two years, and, if possible, get hold of some oestrogen tablets so that I can start my physical development as a woman.’
‘Wow! This is all a bit more serious than I originally thought.’
‘That may be easier said than done,’ I replied.
‘I know. I hate the way everyone expects me to dress and act like a boy all the time when I’ve always longed to be a girl. If I could, I’d like to attend Mum’s funeral wearing a dress tomorrow, because she understood how I felt and she loved me in spite of everything.’
‘Of course your mother loved you, and your father did as well,’ I replied.
At this point he really began to sob. I was still in a state of shock from his recent revelation, but my heart went out to him just the same. I kept my arms round his shoulder until his tears subsided.
‘Julian, I really think it would be a little unwise for you to wear a dress to your mother’s funeral, given the fact that you’re still a minor and there are Social Workers sniffing around. I also think you need a little advice and practice before you should contemplate appearing in public dressed as a girl. However, if you can bear to face tomorrow as Julian, I’ll try to help you over the next few weeks,’ I said.
‘Be very careful what you let yourself in for Jen.’ I thought to myself, as I answered, but found myself continuing all the same.
‘Would you really help me?’ he asked, drying his tears and sniffing.
‘It is not too late for you to change your mind. ’
‘I’ll do my best, but not until after the funeral.’
A remarkable change took place in his appearance. For the first time since I’d met him Julian looked truly overjoyed.
‘Oh thank you Jenny. It’s so wonderful to have a sister,’ he said, throwing his arms round me and kissing me on the cheek.
‘I just wonder whether I’ll share that sentiment in a few days time. ’
‘Ok let’s leave your new clothes for the time being. You can try them on tomorrow after the funeral is over and the guests have departed, when we can do things properly,’ I suggested.
‘Alright I’ll take them up to my room,’ he said. ‘Thank you for everything.’
I cleared up the meal wondering just what I was doing, and whether I was getting out of my depth with my young charge, but I wanted to help if I could. I therefore spent the next two or three hours reading up on the Internet on the subject of transgender and its implications for young people.
I made sure that Julian was ready in good time and did my best to ensure that he looked smart and double checked with the undertaker the last few details of the ceremony and order of service. We sat together in the only car to accompany the hearse and in the front pew. There were no other members of his mother’s family present, just a few work colleagues and neighbours. His Aunt in Canberra had sent some flowers and a message, but could do no more. This time I was the one who was able to be calm and collected and I held his hand during the service. As his mother’s coffin slowly disappeared into the rear of the crematorium, he at last gave way to the tide of emotion that he’d been storing inside him for the last fortnight. He'd clearly been closer to his mother and was at last beginning to feel the impact of her loss. His tears were understood by everyone there, but I could see they made some of the mourners feel uncomfortable. I was quite relieved as I hugged him, that he was now beginning to act more like human being and less like an automaton.
After the service I remained at his side whilst we looked at the floral tributes and went round thanking the guests for attending, and listening to their condolences and good wishes. I had no idea who they were, but several of them shook me warmly by the hand and thanked me for helping Julian. The minister who took the services even told me what a fine young woman I was. It was a bit rich really, given that I’d taken the job primarily as a means of making some easy money during the summer, and speeding up the receipt of my legacy.
By four o’clock most of the mourners had left to return to their everyday lives and the Undertaker was anxious to return to his office. He approached Julian to explain he was about to leave.
‘Would you like the crematorium to arrange to scatter your mother’s ashes in the Garden of Remembrance or will you arrange to do it yourself?’ he asked Julian.
‘I’ll arrange to scatter both my mother’s and my father’s ashes together later on,’ he replied.
‘In that case you may collect them from our office when you’re ready. My staff and I have to leave now; would you two like a lift back to your house?’
‘Yes please,’ I said, taking over the decision making once again.
After they left us I took Julian inside the house, trying to think of something appropriate or comforting to say. The trouble is that I’m just not used to being nice and sensible for long periods of time, and I find it all quite draining. My usual conversational style is a mixture of sarcasm and wisecracks.
‘Are you OK?’ I said, realising as soon as I said it, that it was a trite and meaningless question.’
‘I’ll be alright in a while.’
‘Can I get you anything to eat or drink?’
‘No I’m fine thanks.’
‘Do you want to change your clothes?’ I asked, thinking that he could interpret that however he wanted.
‘I’m ok as I am thanks. I think I may go for a lie down if you don’t mind.’
‘Yes of course.’
‘But I would appreciate your help tomorrow,’ he added significantly.
‘I’ll be happy to,’ I said giving a weak smile.
I spent the evening looking at my friends’ and my own Facebook pages and responding to various messages from friends asking what had happened to me over the last week and why I’d suddenly disappeared from the social scene. It was only a week since my friends and I had gone out for our abortive night out, but it seemed like ages ago. At last, at about 10.00 pm I looked in on Julian; he was asleep on his bed cuddling my teddy bear. I covered them both with a duvet. It wasn’t late but I had too much on my mind to watch television or listen to music. In the end I went to bed myself.
‘It’s quite hard work being an adult. ’
(Next time - Playing 'dress-up'.)
Thanks again for the comments and kudos. Louise
Chapter 5
’Dress-up’
The next morning I came downstairs to find Julian wearing the dark blue shirt-dress that I’d given to him, together with tights and the high-heels that he already possessed. He appeared also to be wearing the bra that I'd brought which had been filled to create the outline of two smallish boobs. He’d tried to comb his hair so that it looked like a girl’s style. All in all, he didn’t look too bad dressed as a girl, although perhaps just a little bit old fashioned.
‘I think that colour suits you, er … Julian,’ I said, doing my best to keep my resolution to be nice to him, at least for another day.
He coloured a little, but then thanked me for the compliment.
‘So you’d like to be a girl today?’ I asked.
‘Ideally I should like to be a girl every day from now onwards.’
‘I can’t promise you that, but maybe we can make a start in helping you with your transition.’
‘Yes please.’
‘However, there are a number of things that we need to agree first, since none of this was in the original job description that you gave to me,’ I said.
‘I could pay you some more if you want.’
‘I don’t want any more of your money, but I’ll expect you to take my advice and not take any risks with getting found out. I don’t want you to go out in public until I’m satisfied that you’ll not give yourself away or cause me any embarrassment.’
‘Alright,’ he replied.
‘Also I’m finding it quite hard work being ‘Miss Goody Two-Shoes’, all the time. If you want my help you must be prepared to accept my sarcasm as well. If you look like a tramp or a slut, or act in a mannish or an exaggeratedly camp way I’ll point it out to you in my inimitable derisive manner.’
‘Good.’ he said. ‘I’ll need to know what other people are thinking about the way I look and act if I’m going to pass successfully.’
‘So what am I going to call you when you’re dressed as a girl?’
‘Mum used to call me Julie, when I wore her clothes,’ he said. ‘That was the name she and Dad would have chosen for me if I’d turned out to be a girl.’
‘Julie it is then, and from now onwards I’m going to think of you and refer to you as ‘she’ rather than ‘he’ if you are dressed as a girl.’
‘In that case I’d better begin to do that in my narrative as well.
‘Thank you, I should prefer that,’ she answered.
‘OK Julie let us get ourselves some breakfast and decide what we have to do with the rest of the day.’
Over breakfast we agreed some ground rules, about what we would do and say if there should be an unexpected visitor to the house who was looking for Julian. Julie would hop into the master bedroom if she were upstairs or else into an empty garage. I’d then answer the door and say that Julian was out. If it was an official visitor I’d give them his mobile number so that they could make an appointment to see him. Fortunately the house had quite a noisy iron gate which would give us a few seconds extra warning of anyone approaching the front door. I then began to propose a strategy.
‘OK, so you look pretty good wearing a dress, but most girls of your age only wear dresses for a small part of the time. You’ll need to practice wearing different kinds of clothes and learn what style and colour combinations suit you best.’
‘Alright,’ she nodded.
‘I suggest we buy you some teenage girlie magazines, not so much for their intellectual content, but to give you an idea of what your contemporaries are interested in. There are several other things that we need to do to enable you to pass as a girl in public without giving rise to any suspicions.
‘What sort of things?’
‘You’ll need a few basic lessons in using makeup for a start. I’m no expert but you did rather go over the top when I burst in on you last week. You’ll also need some practice in walking, sitting and gesturing with your hands like a girl. The pitch of your voice sounds ok but you’ll have to listen carefully and take note of what girls say and how they react to one another. Then we’ll have to decide what to do about your hair, both in the short term and the longer term and also maybe your finger nails. However, I suggest we begin by sorting out your wardrobe to see what you have and what you’ll need to buy. Once I’m reasonably happy that you won’t give us away, we can go out shopping together.’
‘I should really like that Jenny,’ she answered.
‘In the meanwhile, how would you feel about trying on some of your mother’s clothes?’ I asked.
‘I don’t mind, I’ve worn some of them before and there are others I’ve always wanted to try,’ she replied.
‘Are you expecting anyone to call here today?’
‘Not as far as I know, I suspect that now the funeral is over the number of callers will decline quite rapidly’ she replied.
‘Good, in that case, why don’t we go up to the master bedroom and see what there is that is suitable for you to wear?’ I suggested.
I must say that my newly acquired sister has quite an attractive smile when she’s happy.
Before looking through her mother’s wardrobe, I provided Julie her first lesson how to put on some mascara and lipstick, using her mother’s ample supply of cosmetics and toiletries. I’m hardly an expert in such matters but I was better than nothing. I watched whilst Julie tried to do so herself and couldn’t help laughing at her first efforts but after a few of attempts she began to get the hang of it. She was a fast and willing learner.
‘Perhaps once you’ve a little more experience with basic makeup, I could enlist the help of my friend Susie, as she’s training to be a beauty consultant and would be able to advise you on your makeup, hair and nails much better than I ever could; as long as you don’t mind her knowing about you,’ I said.
‘Will it be safe to involve her in my secret?’ she asked.
‘I should think so. She doesn’t know anyone living in this area, and in any event I know a number of embarrassing secrets about her past which should guarantee her discretion.’
‘Alright then, you may go ahead and ask her.’
Julie’s natural hair was a mid brown and it was getting towards the length where it might just pass as girl’s, but we found a blonde wig in one of the cupboards which I helped her to put on securely and brush into some sort of style.
‘I must say you look better with longer hair, and quite foxy as a blonde,’ I said laughing.
‘Do you think so?’ she asked blushing, but also pleased with my observation. ‘How long will it take to grow my own hair to this length?’
'At least a year, I'm afraid, maybe longer' I replied.
'Oh well, I suppose it will be alright by the time I have my operation.'
It is some years now since I last played ‘dress-up’, and I’d forgotten that it could be fun. Julie and I spent an enjoyable day together exploring her late mother’s wardrobe and in the meanwhile getting to know one another a lot better. I joined in, partly by way of encouragement, and to help my sister overcome her diffidence. I even tried on clothes that I would never have dreamed of wearing in public, and would’ve been embarrassed to be seen wearing by my friends. We worked our way through the wardrobe trying on the different outfits and sharing our opinions as to how they looked, and making rude comments about one another. Julie seemed to grow in confidence and forget for a while the trauma she’d recently experienced. Her mother had clearly spent a lot on clothes and had built up an extensive collection occupying a large built-in wardrobe.
After a while Julie went to the study and returned with a sophisticated electronic camera and tripod, which belonged to our late father. He had taught Julian how to use the equipment, one of the few things they had done together. Julie now proceeded to show me and we took lots of pictures of one another in different outfits.
We eventually made three piles of clothes. Some of them were hopelessly unsuitable for teenage girls, and these were put in a bag to take to a charity shop, along with her father’s clothes. A few were a little too large for Julie to wear, although they fitted me ok. These she suggested that I take to my bedroom. I explained that I didn’t wear dresses and skirts except for special occasions, but she was insistent that I should take some of them in return for the clothes that I’d given her earlier in the week. A surprisingly large number of items were both usable and also looked good on my new sister. These were returned to her mother’s wardrobe, where they were combined with those that I’d given her the previous day. There were also a couple of long evening dresses in the wardrobe, which Julie was anxious to try on, but I suggested that it might be better to save them until such time as she was a little more experienced with her hair and makeup.
Julie’s late mother had likewise an extensive collection of nice lingerie, which would now provide her daughter with everything she might need for the foreseeable future. She even possessed two basques, complete with suspenders, and several pairs of stockings to go with them, which Julie had never seen before.
‘Shall we try one on each?’ she asked.
‘You go ahead but I’ll pass. I’ll help you to put it on if you like, but stockings and suspenders are not really my style’, I said.
‘Oh please Jenny, it’ll be good fun if we do it together,’ she said in a beseeching voice, that reminded me that I’d promised myself to be nice to her.
‘Alright,’ I said grudgingly, ‘but you must be the one to wear the lace-up basque.’
‘I was hoping you’d say that.’
Julie took off her dress and slip. I noticed that she must have de-fuzzed her legs and armpits — or perhaps the hair had never grown there as a result of the tablets she’d been prescribed. In any event, she looked quite embarrassed to be standing in front of me wearing only a bra and a pair of knickers. Then she removed her bra; inside them was a pair of silicone breast enhancers.
‘Where did you get those from?’ I asked.
‘Mummy bought them for me last year,’ she replied, ‘but they’re not really large enough on their own.’
‘I’ve an idea,’ I said.
I took an old pair of nylon knee-highs from out of the drawer and went down to the kitchen where I poured some rice into each one then tied it off.
‘These should be about the right size and weight for you, and as long as they are hidden from view they should be ok,’ I said returning to the bedroom.
She took them from me and inserted them into the cups, giving her a much more pronounced female form.
‘This time next year I hope to have the beginnings of my own breasts, but in the meanwhile I could order a pair of silicone breast forms by mail order, there are several sites on the Internet that sell them.’
‘I thought you weren’t able to use your mother’s bank account any more.’
‘We haven’t yet cancelled her credit card. Mummy had a direct debit with the bank to automatically pay off the balance and so they’ll never know.’
‘I’m not sure that it would be legal but I suppose it’s up to you to decide,’ I replied.
I made my sister pay for wanting me to try on a basque by ensuring that I’d laced her up tightly, to produce quite a feminine looking waist to match her impressive new bust line. Julie didn’t object, and even seemed quite pleased with her new figure.
‘Come on Jenny, it’s your turn now,’ she said, pointing to the other basque — a garment I’ve never worn in my life.
I undressed as far as my panties, and didn’t feel at all uncomfortable standing in front of my sister, whereas the previous day I might well have felt a little awkward doing the same thing in front of my brother. She helped me to put on the other basque, and do up the fastenings. We then sat on the bed and each put on a pair of stockings, attaching them to the suspenders — another garment I’d never worn before. Somewhat to my surprise the basque and stockings were not uncomfortable to wear, but I wouldn’t want go to the trouble of wearing them every day. I went to retrieve my high heels from my room, and Julie found a pair of her mother’s to put on, it was fortunate that she took the same shoe size as her mother did. We must have looked like a couple of whores standing in front of the mirror in our sexy underwear and high heels, but it was good fun nevertheless. At Julie’s insistence, I also put on one of her mother’s dresses, and Julie put on the shirt dress I’d given her.
‘If you’re intending to stay as Julie for a while, why don’t you move into this bedroom, leaving Julian’s room for his clothes and other possessions?’ I suggested. ‘Ther’s everything here a girl might need for her dressing table, including a large box full of jewellery and trinkets.
‘I suppose it would be more convenient for me,’ she replied.
‘And more private as well, nobody outside the house can see into this room,’ I replied.
‘Alright I’ll do so, but there’s one other thing that I’d like to ask of you Jenny. Mummy had agreed that I could have my ears pierced once school was finished this year. She’d bought me some plain gold studs to wear the day before the crash.’
It was odd that when she was wearing a dress my sister started to referring to her as ‘Mummy’. Julie and Julian seem to be two different people.
‘Alright, I’ll pierce your ears and insert the studs, if you wish, but it’ll be at your own risk.’
‘Yes please, I’ll go and get them.
I sterilised a needle in a cup of boiling water and then obtained two ice cubes from the freezer. I froze each ear lobe in turn then quickly inserted each stud. She flinched for a second, and again when I wiped away the blood with a cotton bud soaked in antiseptic. However she soon recovered and was admiring the studs in the mirror.
‘Once the holes have healed I can start wearing proper earrings.’
‘Alright, but don’t be in too much of a rush to do so. I think we have made quite a lot of progress today as it is,’ I said as I stood next to her looking at her reflexion in her wardrobe mirror.
We were both of us wearing dresses, makeup and high heels.
‘Thank you, Jenny’
‘For the first time you actually look like a fifteen year old and even perhaps a little older. In fact you look like quite a ‘babe’ and I don’t think there are any more clothes that you’ll need to go out and buy,’ I said.
She was blushing deeply but I could see she was happy, so I took a photograph of her using my mobile phone.
Suddenly I noticed her eyes had filled with tears.
‘My goodness now what have I done?’
‘Whatever is the matter?’ I asked.
‘I do so like being Julie, but do you think it’s right for me to wear Mummy’s clothes in this way and move into her bedroom?’ she asked.
‘You said goodbye to her yesterday. I’m sure she would be very happy to think that you were making use of her wardrobe,’ I said by way of re-assurance.
More tears came flooding out, so I put my arms around her.
‘Oh Jenny, thank you so much for everything you’ve done for me. The last three weeks have been so difficult for me, but today I’ve had such a wonderful time, and for the first time in years I really feel good about myself.’
I hugged her again.
‘All this hugging is getting ridiculous.’
‘Come on young lady! Let us get changed and go downstairs to prepare our evening meal.’
She agreed and began to wipe her eyes.
‘If I volunteer to cook the meal, can we get changed after dinner?’
I sighed.
‘You really are a girly-girl,’ I said.
She smiled shyly, and appeared quite pleased by my comment, which I’d have regarded as disparaging, if anyone had said it about me.
‘Alright, but you’d better change into another dress whilst you are cooking, and also put on an apron, or else you’ll spoil your nice clothes.’
After dinner we extricated one another from our basques, and both changed into a simple top and slacks. I showed my sister how to remove her makeup and to use a moisturiser on her skin. We also checked the studs and wiped some more antiseptic on to her ear lobes.
We spent the evening together setting up a new Facebook Page for Julie and mounting several of the pictures that we had taken during the afternoon. She seemed to enjoy creating a new feminine persona for her self and completing the profile as a girl.
‘I’m also planning to start publishing a blog, I’ll call it ‘The Diary of a Girly-Girl’,’ she said smiling.
‘If you do so, be careful not to say anything which might identify you. Remember you’re still only fifteen and there are a lot of very strange people out there’.
Now I’m sounding like my mother.
‘Don’t worry, I promise to be careful.’
(Next time - We recruit the help of my friend Susie.)
Chapter 6
Susie’s suggestions
I was quite relieved that Julie’s choice of clothes the following day was reasonably restrained — the sort of things I might choose to wear. She’d put on slacks, a tank top, some white socks and a pair of low-heeled shoes. She’d retained the boobs that I’d made for her and I noticed that she’d also put on a pendant and a bracelet from her mother’s jewellery box. She was wearing a trace of lipstick and some mascara (again not too much), and had put on the wig again which she had brushed it into a style. All-in-all, she looked pretty much like an ordinary fifteen year old girl.
Quite a pile of letters arrived in the post that morning, most of which related to the financial affairs of Julie’s mother. There was also one official letter addressed to me, from the Probate Office in Oxford, giving me an appointment to come to their office in two weeks to answer any further questions relating to the grant and to swear the Oath. We could have applied for an interview in Reading but it would have involved a wait of three months or more. Presumably there had been no problems with our application so far, but nothing further could be done until after I’d sworn the Oath. I would then become the executor of my father’s will and have access to his assets so that I could pay the legatees, including the estate of his late mother. Apart from a couple of bequests to charities, the only surviving beneficiaries were now Julie and me. Although she had now largely completed the paper work relating to our father’s estate, Julie started work on drawing up the application for the grant of representation allowing me to act for her mother. As I was not directly related to her I would have to swear an affidavit, which would be then supported by evidence showing why none of her surviving relatives could do so. We arranged with the probate office for me to do this at the same time as I swore the administration oath. It was all very complicated and a little bit beyond me, but Julie seemed to understand exactly what was happening
‘I think it’s time for me to start listing details of all Mummy’s assets onto a spreadsheet so we can start to complete the relevant forms and work out the inheritance tax payable,’ said Julie. ‘However we’ll not be able to apply for probate for Mummy until after Daddy’s has been settled as most of his estate automatically became Mummy’s when he died. When her probate is eventually settled I’ll be able to transfer the house into my name and then think about putting it on the market, but that’s going to take a few months.”
‘What’ll you do then?’ I asked.
‘I’ll probably look for somewhere small and private to rent until I can have my sex-change operation,’ she replied in a matter of fact way.
I thought it best to try and change the subject as I could see there would be difficult times ahead for her and I didn’t want to get involved too deeply in her long term future if I could help it. I’d my own issues to face after all. Fortunately, a text message came through on my phone as she was speaking. It was from Susie.
My day off - can U join me in Reading? Have sum news 2 tell! luv Sooz
‘Julie, since you appear to have plenty of things to do today, would you mind if I went into Reading for a while to meet my friend Susie, it’s her day off?’
‘No of course I don’t mind,’ she responded, ‘you don’t have to stay in looking after me all the time.’
I responded to Susie and arranged a time to meet her off the train.
‘By the way, will you be telling your friend about me or leaving it a little while longer?’ she asked as I was about to leave
‘She’s bound to ask how I’m getting on. Do you mind if I tell her the whole story?’
She hesitated.
‘Go ahead, if you think she might be able to help me and she’ll be discreet.’
‘I’ll see what she thinks. However, please keep away from the front windows in the meanwhile, and don’t answer the door to anyone. You may look like a girl, but there’s still a danger that you’d give yourself away if you met someone at close quarters.’
Julie looked a little disappointed by my comment.
‘Julie you’re doing really well, but you must realise that it’s going to take time and practice to get things right. You mustn’t rush things; otherwise you might give yourself away. It’s taken me eighteen years to learn how to act like a young woman.
‘And I’m still not very good at it!’ I added in my own mind.
‘I suppose you’re right Jenny, sometimes I do get over enthusiastic about being a girl, but it’s something I’ve always longed for. However, once I’ve finished working on the spreadsheet I’ll search the internet and look at some videos on You-tube and try and work out and practice how teenage girls speak and use body language.’
‘That’s a good idea, and I’ll bring you back some girly magazines to read as well. You need to immerse yourself in being a girl, but we must be careful not to turn you into a complete ‘bimbo’ along the way.’ I said, laughing.
‘At least not until you have finished working out how to apply for our father’s probate!’
Susie and I had a couple of hours looking round the shops together and catching up with one another’s news. She’d managed to find herself a boyfriend during the week I’d been away and was anxious to tell me all about him. She even offered to ask him whether he had any decent looking friends, who might suit me, but previous experience has shown me that decent looking guys tend to have spotty sex-starved midgets as their friends, so I told her not to bother until she knew him a little better. Inevitably, the topic of how I was getting on babysitting my little brother also cropped up at an early stage in our conversation. We were then waiting in a queue to pay for a top that she’d chosen for herself and might easily be overheard.
‘It’s turned out to be quite an interesting job, but I’ll tell you about it over lunch, if you don’t mind waiting,’ I said.
She agreed to wait, but it had clearly whetted her appetite, for as soon as we sat down at lunchtime, she was back on to the subject.
‘OK Jen, let’s hear it, what it is that’s so ‘interesting’ about this younger brother of yours?’
‘Before I tell you anything — you do understand that this is strictly confidential, only between us.’ I said in a tone that indicated that there was no question involved.
‘Jen, you can trust me. After all, I never told anyone when you got blind drunk at that party and we had to smuggle you back into your house without your parents realising.’
‘And I’ve never told anyone about your various escapades with those two Italian exchange students last summer,’ I replied.
‘Point taken, I promise that my lips will be sealed, so what’s the big secret?’ she asked eager to know more.
‘My so-called little brother wants to become my little sister. He has been taking tablets to stop him from developing into a man and was on the point of going to Thailand to grow a pair of boobs, when his parents were killed in that car crash. Now she wants me to help her to live as a girl named Julie.’
‘Good heavens. How extraordinary. Who else knows about this?’ asked Sue.
‘That’s just the point, nobody else knows about it except for me - and now you. He, or perhaps I should say she, is still a minor and won’t be sixteen until the end of August.’
‘And are you sure that she’s not going to grow out of the idea in a month or two and want to become your brother again?’ she asked.
‘I think all of that was gone into by a psychiatrist some time ago. Apparently she has always thought of herself as being a girl, in the wrong body, and now seems determined to live as a woman, come what may. She says that she’s going to have a sex-change operation just as soon as she’s eighteen, and she’ll have more than enough money to pay for one.’
‘I’ve heard about people like that, they are known as transgendered,’ said Sue.
‘Yes, I’ve been reading up on the subject on the Internet as well,’ I admitted. ‘It’s far more common than you might think.
‘But is it embarrassing for you staying with … her?’ she asked.
‘No, not so far, in fact Julie makes quite a convincing and attractive girl.’
‘Well good luck to her I suppose, but what are you going to do?’
‘Well, in a funny sort of way I quite like my new sister Julie and would like to help her, at least until I have to leave to go to University. I’d like to help her to live as a girl if that’s what she wants. She’ll be secure financially until she’s an adult but needs some advice with her appearance and the way she presents herself if she’s going to pass successfully.
‘You should send her along to one of my demonstrations, in the salon, I could give her a makeover,’ suggested Sue.
‘I don’t think she’s quite ready to venture out on her own as yet,’ I replied. ‘However, if you were willing, we could certainly benefit from your advice and assistance.’
‘What sort of advice and assistance?’
I shrugged.
‘You know - what clothes would suit her best, what to do with her hair, advice on makeup, finger nails — you’re so much more knowledgeable about these things than I am. I expect she’d be willing to pay you a reasonable fee for your time.’
‘It can be a difficult task to make a man to look like a convincing woman, I’ve heard stories from other beauty workers who have tried and not achieved the results that their clients were hoping for.’
‘I don’t think it would be so difficult in this case.’
I showed Susie the picture of Julie that I’d taken the previous day on my mobile.
‘Wow she doesn’t look at all bad,’ she replied.
‘I know, but I still think she could do with a little ‘fine tuning’ before I let her loose on the world.’
‘Alright. I’ll see what I can do, but I make no promises. When would you like me to make a start?’ she asked.
I shrugged.
‘Whenever is most convenient for you. You could even come out and meet her this afternoon if you want, and then I’ll drive you back to Bracknell afterwards.’
‘Alright then. I’ve finished my shopping for today, and this sounds as if it might be an interesting assignment.’
On the way to the bus stop I picked up some teenage magazines for Julie to read and sent her a text message explaining that Sue and I were on our way to see her and suggesting that she might wish to change into a dress.
‘You’ll need to be gentle with her Sue; my sister is a little bit fragile and unsure of her self at the moment and is liable to dissolve into tears at the slightest thing.’
‘We’re not all as hard-hearted as you are Jen. I think it would be quite understandable for anyone to cry a little, given her recent circumstances,’ she replied.
I didn’t reply, but felt a little hard done by. After all, I can’t remember when I’d been more considerate to anyone than I’d been to my little sister over the last week.
‘Julie, this is my friend Susie, Sue this is my sister Julie.’
Julie had put on a dark red dress and matching high heels; she’d also changed the colour of her lipstick to co-ordinate. She looked quite pretty, but still a little shy and diffident, as she shook hands with my friend.
‘Hi Julie. I was so sorry to hear about your parents.’
Julie nodded and thanked her.
‘I understand from Jen that you’d like some advice from me, but I can’t really see what she was worrying about, you make a very presentable young lady,’ said my friend, kindly.
‘Thank you, but I’d appreciate any comments or advice you may wish to offer,’ she answered.
‘Alright, we’ll begin by looking at your hair and work downwards. That’s a fairly good quality wig you are wearing which would pass in most circumstances, but it still looks a little artificial. Would you mind taking it off for a moment, please?’
Julie did as she was told, and in my opinion still looked like a girl without it.
‘You have nice thick hair that, but is not yet long enough to style properly. Would you consider wearing hair extensions until your own hair has had a chance to grow?’ asked Sue.
‘I hadn’t really thought about them.’
‘They would cost you around £40 to buy and would either be clipped into place or I could sew them in for a further £20. Sewn extensions would be more secure and also look better, but they would be semi-permanent, lasting between six weeks and two months before they need to be re-sewn.’
‘What do you think Jenny?’ asked Julie.
‘It rather depends on whether you’ll need to make an appearance as a young man during that period.’ I replied
‘I can’t really think of a situation where I’ll need to appear in person over the next few weeks. I don’t have any family or friends other than you, and we have never been particularly friendly with the neighbours. Now that the funeral is over I doubt if there’ll be any more official visitors to the house. If anyone does come looking for Julian, you could always say that he has gone away to stay with his Aunt in Australia, and provide them with my email address. Then I could either phone or email them back.’
‘Well if you’d like to try hair extensions and you don’t mind the expense, go ahead,’ I said.
‘It’ll be fun to have my own long hair to style,’ she said.
‘I’ll cut and style your hair when I put in the extensions but you’ll have to learn how to look after it for yourself and to put it in rollers,’ said Sue.
‘I’ll be able to help you with it to begin with, but remember that I’ll not be here beyond mid September so I’ll expect you to learn how to cope with your own hair soon,’ I said.
‘Alright, when can you put them in for me?’ she asked.
‘I’ll take a sample of your hair now so that I can match the colour.’
‘Actually I quite liked the idea of being blonde, if that is ok?’ said Julie looking towards me as if she were seeking my permission.
I rolled my eyes and let out a little sigh,
‘What do you think, Sooze?’ I asked
‘Alright then, but it would mean that we’ll have to colour Julie’s own hair first,’ she replied. ‘I won’t charge any more for my time, but I would charge her for the materials.’
‘Of course,’ said Julie.
‘Do you want the same shade as the wig you are wearing?’
‘Yes please.’
‘In that case let me take several strands of the wig so I can match the colour and also some of your hair so I can do some strand tests. I will have the extensions and hair colour by Saturday. Would you two be able to come to my place on Sunday?’ asked Sue.
‘I’d rather assumed that you’d fix them here, I’m still a little anxious about Julie venturing out, just in case the neighbours should see her.’ I said.
‘I’ve everything that I need at my house, and I’d also be able to extend Julie’s finger nails there if she wishes,’ said Sue to me.
‘I could provide you with a set of acrylic nail extensions and a manicure for twenty pounds,’ she said to Julie.
‘Oh yes please,’ she answered excitedly.
‘Julie, are you sure you can afford to spend this money before we receive your father’s grant of probate?’
‘Yes, Julian had saved a few hundred pounds in a separate account to buy Julie some clothes this summer, but it now it looks as I will not need to buy as much as I am wearing mummy’s clothes and those that you gave me.’
Oh well, I suppose if we do run out of money I would be able to loan her some from the overdraft which the bank had promised to me.’
‘Why don’t you have your nails done at the same time Jenny?’ I would charge thirty pounds if you both have them done together,’ Susie said looking towards me.
‘Oh please Jenny, let’s have our nails done together, I’ll pay for both of us, it’ll be such good fun,’ said Julie like an excited school kid.
‘Thanks a lot Susie.’ I thought. But Julie is definitely beginning to sound more like a girl.’
‘I’ll see how I feel about it on Sunday,’ I replied to them both.
‘But isn’t there a danger that your mother will want to know who the girl was who arrived with me wearing a blonde wig and left with extensions,’ I then said to Sue.
‘If you both come round at about ten in the morning, she’ll be out for most of the day.’
I sighed.
‘Alright, Julie we’ll go to Bracknell, but you’ll need to get in to the car when it’s inside the garage and keep your head down as we drive away.’
Both Susie and I received an excited hug from our young protégé.
‘Three whole days, I can’t wait until Sunday,’ she said, as she replaced the wig and brushed her hair.
I looked over to Sue and raised my eyebrows. She smiled in response, but Julie remained blissfully unaware of our amusement.
Whatever has happened to that super intelligent little runt that I first met three weeks ago?
Chapter 7
Big Joe
We invited Susie to stay for dinner, and whilst I prepared the food, she took Julie upstairs to give her some advice and a demonstration regarding her eye-makeup, a topic where my own knowledge was rather limited. They seemed to be getting on well together because when I went upstairs to get something from my room I could hear plenty of laughing coming from the master bedroom. Eventually they emerged and came downstairs just as the meal was ready to be served.
I must say that my friend is very good at her job, for my younger sister might easily have been taken for a glamorous eighteen-year-old. She was wearing three shades of carefully co-ordinated eye shadow which, added depth to her eyes and complemented their colour. She also had dark brown eyeliner which defined her eyes, and long thick black lashes. Yet it didn’t look as if it had been applied using a trowel, as it would undoubtedly have done if I’d been responsible. Her face, and particularly her eyes seemed to glow with pleasure.
‘Susie says that once I have my hair and nail extensions in place, we can come into her store one day when she’s giving a demonstration. She’ll teach us about foundation and give us both a free makeover,’ said Julie, fluttering her long eyelashes at me as she spoke.
‘Let’s not try to run before you can walk,’ I said trying to dampen her enthusiasm a little.
I then felt myself to be a wet blanket as Julie expressed her disappointment with a little girlish sigh. The only problem is that I know too many people in Wokingham and Bracknell and wouldn’t want to have to explain why I was keeping company with a glamorous fifteen year old, and exactly who my companion was.
Eventually Susie was ready to leave as she was planning to meet up with her new boyfriend later in the evening. I’d promised to drive her home and we were about to get in the car when my sister appeared at the door.
‘Jenny, please may I come along for the ride?’ she asked in a pleading little voice.
‘Come on Jen, you can’t keep your sister cooped up in the house all summer,’ said Sue. ‘You have to begin to trust that she’s going to be alright.’
Julie looked so sweet in her dark red dress and sexy eye makeup that I couldn’t bring myself to refuse her.
‘Alright then, hop in to the back seat, but do try and keep your head down as we drive out of the garage.
I needn’t have worried. There was nobody around outside the house as we left and indeed there was nobody around when we dropped off Sue at her home, twenty minutes later. Before she left us we confirmed the arrangements to see her again on Sunday morning, and. Julie again thanked her warmly for all her help, and handed over forty pounds so that Susie could purchase the necessary hair pieces. She then hopped out of the back seat and came to join me in the front.
‘It’s only just 8.00 pm and there’s an hour or more of daylight left,’ I said. ‘Would you like to come for a walk next to the Thames at Sonning? I asked. ‘It’s only a couple of miles out of our way.’
Julie gave me a smile that lit up the whole car.
Sonning is an unspoilt and truly picturesque historic village on the river Thames. It is a great antidote to the rather characterless Reading suburbs where we were living, or the 1960s awfulness of Bracknell. People tend to go there just to have a quiet walk by the river or in the churchyard. There were quite a few people about that evening including several teenage lads who gave us both the eye, although, to be honest, I think my sister attracted more admiring glances than I did. I felt a little bit overshadowed by her and for the first time in a few years, I wished that I’d put on a dress as well. However, we weren’t out talent spotting on that occasion and so didn’t give them any encouragement. We were just two sisters having an enjoyable evening walk and a chat together. We may have been brought up in separate towns and by separate parents but we were certainly now getting to know one another. I was truly growing to like my sister but was also concerned for her future.
‘I’m glad that Susie is showing you how to put on your makeup, but don’t you think that hair and nail extensions are going a little bit far. What if you needed to appear somewhere as Julian?’ I asked.
‘I’d be bound to have some notice of anything really important, and so I’d just have to take them out or trim my nails. If anyone comes looking for me just tell them that I’m away for a couple of weeks. They would be bound to understand given the circumstances. Jen, I cannot tell you how important this is to me.’
‘Alright then, I just hope you’re right.’
Once again there was nobody around when we eventually drove back to the house at 10.30 pm and put the car in the garage.
‘Thank you Jenny for another wonderful day,’ she said giving me a quick kiss on the cheek.
‘But I haven’t done anything much today,’ I replied.
‘Well in that case thanks for just being you,’ she said and went up to the master bedroom to take off her makeup and get ready for bed.
I smiled and felt a warm glow.
It’s quite nice to have a younger sister.
It was a lovely warm and sunny morning the next day. Julie and I were sitting on the back patio outside the kitchen discussing what we would like to do with ourselves, over a cup of coffee. Once again she had dressed herself and used makeup with care and discretion. I was pleased that she’d not tried to repeat her glamorous look of the previous night as, without Susie’s expertise, it would never have worked.
‘We’re going to need to buy some more food and other household supplies soon, would it be safe for me to go out with you again, or would you prefer to do the shopping on your own?’ she asked.
I didn’t really relish going shopping for groceries and washing powder on my own, but we had to live.
‘Alright, we can go out shopping together but it might be better if we drove to a supermarket on the other side of Reading where there’ll be less chance of you meeting any of your neighbours or school friends.’
She smiled.
‘Most of our neighbours commute in to Reading or London during the week and Julian didn’t really have that many school friends. However, if you’re worried, there’s a large 24-hour Tesco store near to Reading West railway station. Nobody that I know would be likely to go in there.’
‘Good in that case we’ll go there,’ I answered, relieved that she hadn’t suggested that we should drive over to Bracknell. ‘Let’s make a list of everything we are likely to need.’
There were a couple of people in the street outside the house as we drove off, but nobody appeared to take any notice of us. Likewise, our drive across Reading was uneventful and nobody paid any attention to the two teenage girls who drove into the car part of the Tesco store and found themselves a trolley.
‘I’m getting quite used to the convenience of having a car at my disposal.
Our shopping trip in Tescos took somewhat longer than I’d envisaged. There was no problem with the groceries, all of which we found easily enough. The main cause of our delay was Julie’s insistence on scrutinizing the cosmetics and items of female clothing on sale. In her previous life she’d looked at these products from a distance but had never felt able to examine them, much less try them out. I put up with it for a while feeling that it was one more experience that she would have missed, but after a quarter of an hour I began to sigh irritably and roll my eyes if she asked my opinion, so she took the hint, chose a couple of inexpensive items for herself and we made our way to the checkouts. However, I was soon to discover out that her delaying me had actually done me a favour.
‘Hello Jen, what are you doing here?’ said a surprised voice from behind me in the queue.
I turned round to see Joe Stephens from my class peering down at me (he was 6ft 1in after all).
‘Hi … er … Joe, I’m staying in Woodley for the next few weeks, with my sister Julie,’ I said motioning to her who was standing in front of me in the queue, and again wishing that I’d dressed a little more carefully that morning.
He nodded and smiled at her and then blushed slightly before turning back to address me.
‘My family moved here a couple of months ago but I continued going to school in Bracknell until the exams were over.’
‘That’s nice,’ I answered lamely.
‘Why is it that whenever I try to talk to a decent looking guy, I turn into a complete idiot?’
‘I’m glad that I’ve run into you Jen,’ he said, beginning to look a little awkward. ‘A number of our classmates are planning to go out for a drink tonight to celebrate the end of school, and the beginning of the rest of our lives. We sent you a message on Facebook, but someone told me that you’ve been out of circulation for a while.’
‘Yes, I suppose I have been busy, but I’ll check out your message when I get home,’ I replied, beginning to blush myself.
He hesitated for a second.
‘I’m borrowing my Dad’s car and have promised him not to drink any alcohol. I could give you a lift over to Bracknell tonight if you wanted.’
‘Are you asking me out?’ I wondered.
‘I don’t know Joe …, I may have to look after my sister,’ I said unable to stop myself from saying something so utterly idiotic.
He looked disappointed. I felt a sharp nudge in my back from the direction of Julie.
‘I’m nearly sixteen and don’t need to be “looked after” by anybody,’ she whispered to me acidly. Then turning to Joe she gave him a broad smile and said, ‘I’m sure Jenny would love to go with you.’
Joe looked at me for confirmation; I’d turned the colour of a beetroot by then, but managed to agree. He looked mightily pleased with himself. By the time we’d fixed a time for him to collect me, and I’d given him the address in Woodley and my mobile number, Julie had paid for our purchases and packed them back in the trolley.
‘What was all that about answering for me?’ I said to Julie as we were crossing the car park with our trolley.
‘Well anyone could see that he fancies you, and you weren’t exactly helping him along,’ she said.
I blushed, but didn’t answer and couldn’t be angry with her.
‘In any event he may have a younger brother,’ she said giving a girlish giggle.
‘Now listen young lady, you’re only fifteen, which is below the age of consent, so there won’t be any boys around whilst I’m responsible for you.’
‘My God, now I’m beginning to sound just like my mother.’
‘So what are you planning to wear tonight?’ Julie asked me over lunch later that day.
‘I haven’t really given it any thought,’ I admitted.
‘I hope you’re not planning on wearing those leggings and that boob tube again,’ she said.
‘Why, what was wrong with them?’ I said, but actually knowing the answer — they made me look like a prostitute.
‘Well I suppose they would be ok if you’re just going out for a drink and a laugh with the girls, but this’ll be the last time you see some of your friends for some time — you want to leave them with a good impression. Also, remember that Joe won’t be drinking, so you need to wear something that’ll intoxicate him with your beauty instead,’ she said laughing.
‘Is she making fun of me?’
‘Such as?’ I asked.
‘Well you looked pretty foxy in the black dress that you wore to my parents’ funerals; it’s no wonder that so many of the men in the congregation had their eyes on you. It just needs a bit of colour which we could add with some of my mother’s jewellery and the judicious use of makeup.’
‘What’s the world coming to? I’m now being offered fashion advice by my fifteen-year old ex brother? ... But on the other hand I suppose that I did look ok in that black dress?’
’I’m going to wash my hair this afternoon and then I’ll see what I feel like wearing later,’ I replied.
At six-thirty I knocked on the door of the master bedroom. Julie had just finished writing her blog and was watching You-tube videos about how to put on makeup. Nobody could fault her for lack of dedication to the achievement of her ultimate goal. She smiled when she realised that I was accepting her advice and had put on the little black dress.
‘You said that I could borrow some of your mother’s jewellery,’ I said.
‘Yes of course. There’s rather a nice string of cultured pearls, and a couple of pearl drop earrings that would like nice with the dress,’ she said.
I tried them on and agreed with her opinion.
‘By the way, how are your ears doing?’ I asked.
‘OK, they have stopped hurting and appear to be healing up. I’m just anxious to be able to wear some proper earrings and not just studs, but I’m not going to attempt to move them for a few days yet.’
‘It’ll be too warm to wear tights this evening, and so I’m going to wear some open-toed heels. Would you mind helping me to paint my toe-nails?’ I asked. ‘I’ll do the same for you afterwards.’
‘Yes of course, I’d love to help she said.
She trimmed my toe nails then carefully painted each one with dark red lacquer, having first used foam rubber separators to keep the toes apart from one another. I’d have been inclined to opt for a brighter colour, but she was adamant that the darker would be better and afterwards I had to admit she may have been right. As soon as my toes they were dry I offered to do the same for her.
‘Don’t worry about them for now, although I’d like you to do them for me sometime, she said. May I help you with you eye makeup instead?’
‘I only ever use mascara and I can put that on in my sleep,’ I replied.
‘Well I’m not sure that you always make the most of your good looks Jenny, if you don’t mind me saying so, and your friend Susie agrees with me.
‘The cheek of my younger sister, what does she know about anything?’
‘Susie gave me some useful advice yesterday and I’ve also been looking at You-tube. I feel sure that a little eye shadow and eye liner, you’d look a lot better,’ she continued.
‘If you can make me look as good as you did last night, then it might be worth letting you try.’
‘Alright then but I don’t want to go out looking like a panda,’ I replied.
Julie wasn’t up to Susie’s standards, but I must say she did a pretty good job on my eyes. I’d never used eye-liner before and I made a mental note to get some for myself and practice. She also talked me out of wearing the ruby red lipstick in favour of one matching my toes.
‘It’s a pity that we are not getting our finger nail extensions done until Sunday, otherwise you could have co-ordinated from head to toe,’ she commented.
I didn’t answer, but felt that between us we’d made a pretty good job of my appearance.
‘Wow. I don’t think I’ve seen you in a dress before, other than the school uniform; you look great,’ said Joe when he came to collect me
I smiled and thanked him, then went to say goodbye to Julie.
‘I expect I’ll be in bed when you get back, if you want to bring him in for a coffee,’ she whispered as I went to leave.
It isn’t my intention to go into a lot of detail of what happened between Joe and I that evening, but suffice to say we both had a good time. I stuck to orange juice in order to keep him company, but we found that we could have just as much fun sober, watching some of the others drink too much and make fools of themselves. I was a little anxious that I might turn out to be overdressed — but several of the girls present had made an effort — and my outfit elicited a number of flattering comments. I suppose I’ve always been aware that I’m fairly good looking, although no raving beauty. However, I had the feeling that, for one night at least, I’d gone up a league in the estimation of several of those present. It is remarkable how just knowing that you look good can boost your self-confidence in social situations.
Joe drove me home at about 2.00am and came in for a coffee, and he asked if he could see me again during the next week. I did my best to play it cool and suggested we go out for a drink the following Tuesday night. It had definitely been a successful night. Yet there was an unspoken understanding between us that any relationship would be going nowhere long term — after all he would be going to Exeter University in September, and me to Nottingham, which is more than 200 miles away. But there was no reason why we couldn’t have some fun together in the meanwhile. I looked in on Julie after he left; she was asleep on her back, wearing one of her mother’s nightdresses.
Chapter 8
A Saturday afternoon in Maidenhead
Julie insisted on having a blow-by-blow account of my evening, over breakfast the next morning. I humoured her regarding the early part, describing the drunken antics of some of the idiots in my class. Of course I didn’t go into too much detail about what happened later on; she was only fifteen, after all, and I didn’t want her getting too many ideas, or to be accused of leading her astray. I was just trying to avoid saying anything incriminating when there was a loud knock at the door. Neither of us had noticed that the garden gate had been opened previously. It was a Saturday morning and so unlikely to be any official visitor, but I had this horror in case my parents should suddenly take it in their heads to call on us. I motioned Julie to go out of the kitchen and into the empty garage, before I went to see who was there. In fact, I needn’t have worried. It was only the postman who had several business letters plus a plain looking parcel addressed to Julie’s mother, which I had to sign for. I then called her back into the kitchen and handed over the post and the package.
‘I expect it’s my breast forms and the gaff. I ordered them via the Internet on Thursday morning,’ she said enthusiastically.
She opened a cardboard box and took out two oval artificial breasts, an aerosol can containing the adhesive, a plastic bottle containing a solvent together with an instruction booklet. She also unwrapped a small white elastic belt-like garment.
‘What’s that?’ I asked.
‘It’s called a gaff, it’s for tucking my ‘unwanted bits’ away out of sight, and so that I can wear tight clothes without giving the game away. They’re worn by professional female impersonators. I’ve recently learned how to push my testicles back into the cavity from which they descended and then to flatten my penis and fold it back between my legs.’
‘Doesn’t it hurt?’ I asked, somewhat bemused by the idea.
‘No, my penis has never really grown to be very large and I no longer get erections since I started taking those pills.’
Julian had truly been different from other young men, who appeared obsessed with enlarging their penises, if the contents of my email inbox was anything to go by.
‘If you like, I’ll put it on and show you how it works,’ my sister continued.
‘I’ve no particular wish for a demonstration, but you are clearly anxious to do so.’
She disappeared to her new bedroom room, whilst I read the instruction booklet for her new breasts, for want of anything else to do. Five minutes later she came back wearing crop top and a tight bikini bottom. There was no sign of any bulge underneath.
‘Isn’t that uncomfortable?
‘Not really, and you have to be prepared to suffer a little in the interests of looking good.’
‘Won’t there be any side effects to taking these pills?’ I asked.
‘They were all explained to me by the doctor, when I started. I won’t be able to father children, but I’m absolutely sure that I’ve no wish to.’
This was a topic I knew nothing about and could offer her no advice, but was glad that I hadn’t been around when she had taken that irrevocable decision.
No wonder my father was hoping to re-establish contact with me, I was his only chance of any grandchildren.
‘I suppose it’s your life and your body,’ I replied, trying not to sound shocked by her revelations.
She smiled ruefully at me and went back to examining her new breast forms.
Clearly my sister was having to make important sacrifices in order to achieve her object in life. I just hope they ultimately prove to have been worthwhile for her. However, she seemed such a sweet little thing and so enthusiastic about her new life, despite everything she had been through recently, that I couldn’t help but like her. There was an awkward silence for a little while, with no-one knowing what to say next. In the end Julie restarted the conversation.
‘Jenny, you know you offered to help me with my toe nails last night, would you mind helping with these instead?’
She said this in such a wide-eyed and endearing way, that I felt myself being wound round her little finger.
You really are learning fast young lady! I thought to myself.
‘Yet another thing that was never in my original job specification,’ I said in mock exasperation. ‘Come on then, let me have a look at the instructions.’
By the time we’d finished over an hour later Julie had two respectable sized silicone breasts stuck firmly to her chest with the joins disguised using a skin coloured foundation from her mother’s makeup drawer. Fortunately she’d been fairly restrained and had only ordered a ‘B’ size, which was about right for her age and height. Her new boobs would never have been mistaken for the real thing if she’d been topless, but the weight of them did have the effect of pulling down her own flesh and creating the semblance of a genuine cleavage. Once she’d put on a bra and I’d adjusted it properly, no-one looking would have known they were not real breasts. She would now be able to wear a fairly low-cut top or perhaps even her mother’s strapless dress without too much danger of discovery.
‘I must say they look like the real thing, but I’m afraid they will be a little difficult and painful for you to take off, each night’ I suggested.
‘I know, but they’re supposed to be alright to keep in place for up to a fortnight at a time,’ she replied. ‘So I’m not intending to take them off before I absolutely have to.’
‘I just hope that nobody comes looking for you in the meanwhile,’ I said shaking my head, and thinking how I might best prevent Mum and Dad from coming over.
She smiled.
‘I do too, but once I’m sixteen it’ll be up to me to dress how I like, and nobody will be able to stop me.’
Roll on that day, I thought, but suspected I might miss her when it was time to go.
Julie went to her room to put on the bikini top that correspond with the bottom that she was already wearing.
‘How do I look?’ she asked when she returned.
She was a little lacking in feminine curves around her waist and hips, but from the chest upwards she definitely looked like a pretty young girl.
‘You look fine.’
‘I expect once you start taking female hormones things will begin to change down below as well.
‘Would it be safe for us to go sunbathing in the back garden this morning?’ she asked.
I smiled and shook my head at her enthusiasm for all things girly.
‘Alright, but we’ll have to put on some sun block. I’ll go and change myself, and then I’ll paint your toenails for you if you like.’
‘Oh, yes please,’ she replied enthusiastically.
Joe telephoned me during the course of the morning, whilst we were both sunbathing. He rang for no particular reason, just to say that he’d really enjoyed the previous evening and was looking forwards to seeing me next week. I work on the assumption that guys are only after one thing and will usually ‘do a runner’ once they’ve achieved their object, so it is always gratifying when they phone the next day. At first we were a little awkward talking together, but I managed to break the ice between us by cracking a couple of jokes at his expense and thereafter we chatted happily for ten minutes or so. He even asked me what I was doing over the weekend. I liked him a lot but didn’t want him to think I was desperate, so I said that I might be going out shopping with my sister that afternoon and that we were going over to see my friend Susie in Bracknell tomorrow to get our nails done. I did however offer him a ‘window’ in my social calendar on Sunday evening, if he was free, but it turned out that he was involved in some family gathering, and I wasn’t ready to ‘meet the parents’. In the end we simply confirmed our original arrangements that he would pick me up on Tuesday evening, but it was nice to be asked.
‘I trust you’re planning on taking me somewhere nice on Tuesday,’ I said.
‘I will do if you look as good as you did last night,’ he replied.
‘You’ll just have to wait and see,’ I replied laughing, and rang off.
So he had noticed the difference!
‘Oh goody, so we’re going out shopping again, this afternoon,’ said Julie, who’d been listening to my conversation whilst pretending to read one of her magazines.
I sighed.
‘As long as you’re careful not to give yourself away. You may look and sound the part most of the time, but I’m still anxious in case someone should recognise you.’
‘I’m doing my best,’ she replied, just a little deflated.
‘I know you are, and you’re doing very well, but please just take it steady.’
‘So what do you need to buy this afternoon?’ asked Julie changing the subject.
‘Nothing really, but I’d better decide what I’m going to wear when I go out with Joe again on Tuesday evening.’
I knew this was a topic which would enthuse her.
‘Why don’t you have another look at those dresses of my mother’s that I gave to you, otherwise we’ll have to go out and buy you something?’
Whereas two weeks ago I’d have dismissed any thought of wearing a dress on a date, on this occasion I didn’t argue. My sister, despite her age and lack of experience, seemed to know what she was talking about. I’d noticed a light blue summer dress amongst those that she’d passed to me which I liked. I decided to try it on and we both agreed that it suited me quite well.
‘Do you have any suitable shoes to go with it?’ she asked.
‘Not really, I could wear my sandals I suppose,’ I suggested.
I tried them on, but could tell that they didn’t really look right and in any event had flat heels, which meant I would just about come up to the level of Joe’s arm-pit.
‘My mother’s shoes will all be too small for you. Why don’t you buy yourself a new pair?‘ she asked.
I had been earning good money and not spending very much recently, so I couldn’t very well argue.
‘Alright we’ll try and find me some shoes,’
‘I’d also like to buy a couple of new bras to fit my newly enhanced breasts,’ she said in a matter of fact way - as if they were the most natural thing in the world for her to be purchasing.
‘OK’
‘So where shall we go shopping? Bracknell?’
Bracknell was the last place I wanted to go, as I had visions of running into my mother or one of my former school friends or neighbours. and then having to explain who the young girl accompanying me was. It was even a slight possibility I would do so in Reading
‘How about Maidenhead?’ I suggested. There are some decent shoe shops there.
She didn’t argue, just pleased to be let out of the house one more time.
‘Should I put a dress on to go out?’ she asked.
‘That’s up to you, but I’m going in jeans and a top,’ I replied.
I might have guessed, she did put on a flowery summer dress that showed just a hint of her new cleavage without there being any danger of it being recognised. She also put on a little makeup, and succeeded in making me look a little dowdy in comparison; but I was not going to be influenced too much by my sister. After all, we were only going out shopping, not on the look out for talent.
Maidenhead is a medium-sized town, also on the river Thames, about nine miles from Woodley. It’s a little bit ‘stuck up’ compared to Reading or Bracknell, but is not nearly as bad as Henley in that respect, and doesn’t have so many tourists as Windsor. It’s not really in the same league as Reading as a shopping centre but I suppose it comes a reasonable second, and is nowhere near as busy. The main thing was that we were both unlikely to meet anyone we knew there.
We had an enjoyable afternoon visiting various shoe shops and also a couple of department stores. We both tried on several pairs of shoes and eventually I found exactly the right ones to go with the blue dress — some matching ‘peep toe’ court shoes with leather uppers and a platform sole. At £35.00 they were quite a bargain. Perhaps the heels were a little on the high side for everyday wear, but Joe was a big bloke, and I’d need all the height I could get. Julie also bought several items of underwear, without spending too much money, conscious that she would be spending quite a bit the following day on her nails and hair extensions.
During all this time I did my best to look at my sister’s demeanour to assess whether or not she would be likely to be ‘read’ by anyone she met. At first sight, she certainly looked like a girl, but knowing she was wearing a wig made me extra conscious of the fact — although lots of girls wear wigs. Then there was the question of her voice and her mannerisms. She didn’t sound or act like a guy, but on the other hand she didn’t really seem to act entirely naturally as a girl would. Perhaps this too would come with a little more practice, after all it was only just over a week since she’d become Julie. Maybe I was being a bit paranoid and looking at her far more critically than anyone else would. I wasn’t sure. In the end I decided that I had no worries about her giving herself away just by walking down the street or purchasing something in a shop, but I would still be a little anxious if it came to her having prolonged contact. I just hoped that things would be ok by the time I had to leave her to her own devices in September.
‘Julie, I know it’s my turn to cook tonight, but I don’t feel like. If I agree to pay for us both, would you mind if we went to a pizza and pasta restaurant instead?’ I asked.
‘That would be fine by me,’ she replied, happy for any excuse to show herself to the world.
We ended up in the ‘Pizza Hut’ next to the cinema in King Street, but Julie must be watching her waistline as, like me, she went for the pasta dish and loads of salad rather than a slice of pizza. I noticed a couple of young guys ‘eyeing us up’ as we were eating our meal. They seemed a little young for my taste and, in any event, I’m fixed up for the time being and I certainly didn’t want any additional complications as far as my sister was concerned. I gave them my ‘don’t even think about it,’ look and eventually they left. Julie seemed blissfully unaware of the incident and of her ability to attract members of the opposite sex. That is one more set of lessons she’ll have to learn in due course if she’s going to live successfully as a girl.
When we returned to Woodley I tried on my new outfit and received the approval of my new charge. She even loaned me a necklace and some earrings with stones to match, out of her mother’s jewel box. I’m looking quite the lady recently, I only hope that Joe doesn’t get the wrong idea about me and thinks that I dress like this all the time.
Whilst she was looking through her mother’s dressing table drawers Julie came across a large tub of face pack.
‘Do you know how to use this stuff?’ she asked.
‘I expect the instructions are on the jar,’
‘It’ll be difficult to put it on evenly by myself,’ she commented as she read the jar, why don’t we both try it out on each other?’
‘You really are determined to immerse yourself in ‘girlyness’, I commented.
‘Yes, I know, but it is such fun, isn’t it. Please try it out with me?’ she asked.
I gave an audible sigh to express my disdain.
‘Alright, I suppose anything for a quiet life,’ I said wearily.
I’d never tried a face pack before, and had always been a little bit put off by all the goo. Yet once it is on, it feels surprisingly comfortable, even if I did end up looking like a marble statue. We took it in turns to spread it over one another’s faces, trying to make the other one laugh, whilst attempting to keep straight faces ourselves. We then each placed a slice of cucumber over each eye and lay back and relaxed for half an hour. Once the goo had dried and then been cleaned off my skin felt really good. We both decided we would not mind repeating the process some time in the future.
Afterwards we both took a shower and used the opportunity wash our hair. For once I put some rollers in mine. I also tried to help Julie do something with her natural hair. It didn’t look too bad but was not quite long enough to style effectively and I could see why she was anxious to have the extensions.
In bed that night I had a look at my sister’s new blog for the first time. It certainly pulls no punches in dealing with her wish to become a woman as soon as possible, but at the same time it was far funnier and more perceptive than the diaries that I used to write when I was her age, and also somewhat more grammatical. Her last entry spoke of how much she was looking forward to getting her hair and nail extensions on Sunday. There were even a couple of flattering references to me, not by name, but once as her ‘Big Sis’ and another time as her ‘Fairy Godmother’. I suppose I was gratified, but at the same time I’m not sure that I'm ready to be anyone’s ‘Fairy Godmother’. I also noticed that she has already gained herself one or two regular readers, I just hope that she never gives away her identity, or at least not whilst I’m responsible for her.
Chapter 9
The next step
Julie was up, dressed, had put on her makeup and prepared us both breakfast by 8.30 am on Sunday. I told her to slow down as it would only take us twenty minutes to drive over to Bracknell and Susie wouldn’t want us to arrive before 10.00 am. Also I’d prefer not to run into her mother, if I could avoid it, just in case word of our visit should eventually reach my parents.
‘I’m sorry to hurry you Jenny, but I’m so looking forward to having my extensions put in and my nails done,’ she said by way of explanation.
‘I’d rather gathered that from reading your blog,’ I replied coolly. ‘You do realise that once the extensions are sewn in, it’ll not be easy for you to take them out again. The same will also apply to the nail extensions, if you have them done. You’ll be taking two further steps along the road, to becoming a young woman, and together with the glued on breast forms, it would probably take several hours to change you back into Julian,’ I commented.
‘Yes I know, isn’t it wonderful? That’s why I’m so anxious to get going this morning,’ she replied looking me straight in the eye.
She had a gleam in her eye as she said this, but deep down I knew she wasn’t joking. My sister was single minded on this subject. She knew exactly what she wanted and wasn’t going to be deflected. I tried to look serious but in the end couldn’t help smiling at her girlish enthusiasm.
‘Alright, as long as you’re sure that you know what you’re doing, I said.
‘Yes, believe me, Jenny, I am sure,’ she replied, more seriously.
‘Well, since you’ve chosen to put on some makeup this morning, I think I’ll do the same myself,’ I said, glad of any excuse to delay her for another fifteen minutes or so.
We arrived at Susie’s house at 10.30 am by which time her mother had already left. She had everything ready for our arrival.
‘Hi Jen, Julie,’ she said as we arrived.
Then turning to me she said: ’wearing makeup on a Sunday morning Jen? I can see that your sister’s been having a good influence on you.’
‘It’s nothing to do with me, she has started dressing more carefully to impress her new guy,’ said Julie.
I coloured a little and stuck my tongue out at her.
‘Now then ladies, no rowing today please. Jen, you can tell me all about him during the course of the morning. Julie, when did you last wash your hair?’ asked Sue.
‘I washed it last night and also again this morning.’
We both looked a little surprised.
‘I woke up early and knew that I wouldn’t get back to sleep as I was so excited — so I decided to wash my hair again,’ she continued as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
‘Well that’ll save us one job this morning,’ Susie continued. ‘Now take off your wig, put on this cape and come and sit at the sink. We’ll need to lighten your hair first and then colour it.’
Julie did as she was instructed.
My friend knew what she was doing when it came to colouring hair as she regularly did it for her customers. I just held the pot of dye or passed her the brushes, whilst I gave an account of my date with Joe, and then Susie gave us an update on her love life. Julie listened intently and, to be honest, we both rather ceased to be aware that just one month before she’d been living as a young man with two surviving parents. As a result we may have ended up divulging a little more grubby detail than we ought.
Just over an hour after we’d started my sister emerged as a natural looking blonde. The new colouring suited her and I’m sure if Susie had just given her hair a little more style and shape she could have successfully passed as a girl without either a wig or extensions, but I knew that wouldn’t be enough for her.
‘Of course you’ll need to touch up the roots every three weeks or so, as your hair grows, but Jen should be able to help you do that,’ said Sue.
‘Until mid-September, I added in my own mind, but didn’t say so out loud.
‘Here is the hair piece that I’ve bought for you,’ she said.
She produced one piece on a continuous cotton edge about three feet long and made up of strands of blonde hair about 18 inches in length.
‘The length of the hair is really great, but does the colour match my new hair?’ asked Julie, holding up the hair piece next to her own.
‘It looks fine to me,’ I said.
Julie sat in a second chair, next to a small table.
‘Don’t I at least get to see what’s going on,’ she asked, noting that there was no mirror in front of the chair.
‘It’s not really practicable as we’ll be working at the back and sides of your head mainly. I’ll try and explain to you what I’m doing but you’ll just have to be patient until we’ve finished, then you can look at yourself in the mirror for as long as you like,’ said Sue.
‘Alright then,’ she replied.
‘I’d normally begin by dampening your hair, but it is still a little damp from the colouring. Jen; perhaps you could help me with weaving the braids which will anchor the extensions.’
I’d never seen hair weaving before and didn’t know what was involved but agreed to help if I could. Sue carefully combed Julie’s hair upwards creating a parting that went round from one side, round the back and to the other side of her head, explaining what she was doing. She then used a band to hold the hair out of the way. Sue then took a small tuft of the remaining hair which was divided into three and she began to weave a narrow cornrow braid that followed her hairline. I took over from her whilst she started from the other end. It was a fiddly job, but I was making progress. By the time I had finished mine Sue was almost finished with her second braid which went round the back of Julie’s head.
‘Fortunately your hair is long enough to enable us to use braids,’ Susie said to Julie. ‘Jen and I will now sew them together and also to some of the surrounding hair stems to create one continuous braid that sits close to your scalp,’ she said. ‘Don’t worry, we’ll be using curved needles to avoid accidentally digging into your scalp.
‘Is there any danger that they may come out?’ asked Julie.
‘Not if we do it properly. We’ll be using a strong thread which matches your new hair colour.’
Having sewn the first row of braids together and to her scalp, Sue and I repeated this process two more times to create three continuous braids round the sides and back of her head of her head.
‘How do they feel Julie?’ I asked.
‘A little tight, but not too uncomfortable,’ she replied.
‘Good! They do need to be quite tight to begin with, but after a little while you’ll probably not even notice them,’ said Sue.
‘I hope so.’
Sue continued with her running commentary.
‘I’m now going to divide the hair piece into three lengths to correspond with the braids and then we’ll begin to sew the lowest one in place.’
Once she’d put in the first few stitches Sue asked if I’d like to carry on, and so I carefully watched as she did the next two stitches, and then tried a couple of my own. Sue seemed quite satisfied with my efforts.
‘If you’d like to continue with the sewing, I’ll make a start on her finger nails,’ she said.
‘Alright,’ I agreed, ‘but you’d better finish each piece for me and start the next one.’
‘By the way, am I doing one or two sets of nails today?’ asked Sue.
‘Two,’ said Julie definitively. ‘Jenny is going to have hers done as well but it’ll be my treat, to thank her for being such a wonderful sister to me.’
I sighed, but couldn’t very well refuse as she’d put it like that.
‘Alright then, as long as there’s enough time after you have finished her hair,’ I replied.
Sue asked Julie to hold out both her hands for her to inspect.
‘Your fingers aren’t bad looking, given that you used to be a boy, but the nails are not long enough to shape properly without some acrylic extensions.
‘I know,’ agreed Julie eagerly.
‘Will the extensions come off if necessary?’ I asked.
‘I’ve no intention of taking them off once they are fixed,’ said Julie.
‘Maybe not, but I might want to remove mine at some time,’ I said.
‘Don’t worry; there’s an acetone solution which is used to soak them off. It takes about twenty minutes,’ said Sue, 'although it would be a waste of money if you did so.’
The next quarter of an hour was spent by Sue in cleaning, shaping and buffing Julie’s existing nails, pushing back the cuticles and removing any dead skin. In the meanwhile I carried on sewing the hairpieces, interrupted only when Sue checked that I was still doing it right, or else tied off the end of the first piece and started the beginning of the second. As we did so, the three of us started chatting. Sue and I began speaking about former boyfriends, and moved on to clothes and other things. Julie again listened intently and taking it all in but also joined in from time to time.
As soon as the nails were ready Suzanne took out a set of acrylic nail forms from her drawer which she carefully shaped, trimmed and filed to fit over about a third of each of Julie’s existing nails, explaining what she was doing all the time. Once each tip was finished she painted a primer on to its surface and put it on one side to dry.
‘I’ll put some adhesive onto the underside of each new tip and on to about a third of your natural nail, ensuring the edges are well covered. We leave it for a few seconds then I gently attach it to your nail, rocking it into place and holding it for a few seconds, whilst pressing gently at sides to give us the most secure bond.’
Julie held out her hands and said nothing as she gradually acquired a set of new nails. By the time Sue had stuck on the last one, the first was entirely secure, She therefore shortened and shaped the tips and sides and blended the overlap as far as possible in to the natural nail surface using an emery board.
‘Once I’ve finished these extensions will be at least as strong as your natural nails,’ she said to Julie, as she brushed away the dust. ‘We now apply a coat of resin to your nails and the tips, followed by a puff on to them with a polymer powder, and then another coat of resin. Finally we’ll use a spray activator which causes a chemical reaction to harden the surface and will disguise any sign of the join.’
She carried out these actions on each nail in turn. Julie said nothing but just watched in amazement as she acquired some long, smooth and shapely finger nails.
‘Have you ever worn nail varnish before Julie?’ she asked.
‘Only on my toe nails, but I’m looking forward to doing so on my hands,’ Julie replied.
‘In that case I’ll give you a first lesson in how to apply nail varnish,’ said Sue. ‘I always use a base coat first. It evens out the nail and prepares it for the coloured lacquer. Once it’s on we have to wait until it’s completely dry, not just tacky. We then paint each nail with one straight line going from the base to the tip on either side and then another down the middle. Re-dip the brush if you find it dragging along the nail.’
She’d chosen a nail varnish that matched Julie’s lipstick.
‘I’m afraid you’ll now have to sit and do absolutely nothing for a few minutes,’ she said to Julie. ‘You need to wait for them to dry and then harden; it would be a disaster to spoil them at this stage.’
‘Thanks so much Sue, they look really lovely. I’ve always wanted to have long shapely finger nails and long hair,’ said Julie as she examined each hand.
‘Well in just over an hour from now you should have both,’ replied Sue.
Once I’d finished the sewing, Sue neatened off and cut off any remaining cotton. We then removed the band and clips from Julie’s hair and let it fall back into place. There was no sign of the braids or any indication that the hair wasn’t natural. Julie reported that the braids were no longer as uncomfortable as they had been, although she was of course still aware of their existence. Sue therefore sprayed on some warm water to dampen her hair again and proceeded to layer and style it. She was a very competent hair stylist and I could see it was going to look really good. Julie was anxious to see the final results, but Sue kept telling her to be patient. Eventually she put in some large rollers and Julie sat under the dryer.
Whilst we were waiting for Julie’s hair to dry, Sue made a start on manicuring my finger nails.
‘As soon as my hair is dry, please may I help with Jenny’s nail extensions,’ said Julie. ‘I’m anxious to learn as much as I can about beauty techniques. Maybe I might even work in a beauty salon one day after I’ve had my operation.’
I looked towards Sue and rolled my eyes. She just smiled back at me.
‘Alright then, we can do Jen’s nails together if you like.’
By the early afternoon I too possessed some long and elegant lacquered finger nails, for the first time in my life, thanks to the joint efforts of Sue and Julie.
‘I must admit they do look rather nice but they’ll take some getting used to. I’m not sure that I’ll be keeping them for very long, I’ll just have to see how I get on with them.’
Whilst my nail varnish was drying Sue took out the rollers from Julie’s hair, brushed it into shape and then at last held up a hand mirror to let her see for herself. I must admit to feeling a little envious of my sister's long blonde hair, and even wondered what it would be like for me to have mine done in the same way. Julie was beside herself with pleasure at the look and feel of her new hairstyle and finger nails, tossing her hair backward and forwards or else spreading out her fingers to admire the nails.
‘Do you have a full length mirror that I could use please Sue?’ she asked.
‘Yes, there’s one upstairs in my bedroom, the first door to your left at the top of the stairs.’
Whilst she was gone Sue turned to me.
‘Wow! She really does enjoy being a girl doesn’t she?’
‘Yes, it’s amazing. I used to think that Julian was really intelligent, but as Julie all she seems to be interested in is nail varnish and hair styles. But at least it’s something to take her mind off the loss of her parents,’ I replied.
‘Don’t knock the beauty industry, it’s how I shall be making my living,’ said Sue.
‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude, but at least with you it’s a business enterprise,’ I replied.
‘Don't worry about Julie, it’s only a phase, that young girls go through,’ said Sue
‘Some girls go through,’ I corrected.
‘I expect, Julie will soon grow out of this interest in cosmetics and long hair and start being concerned with more serious things,’ she said.
‘I sincerely hope so, because from the middle of September onwards she’ll be on her own,’ I replied.
‘Since she’s so keen to learn, perhaps she could come and help out in my mum’s salon for a few hours each week, if she wanted to. She’s too young for us to employ, but there are a number of odd jobs she could do in the salon, such as sweeping up, serving coffee to the customers or taking out rollers. She'd be able to learn some more about makeup and hairstyling. We wouldn’t pay her but we would probably find some way to reward her efforts with free cosmetics or training,’ said Sue.
‘Do you think that’s a good idea?’ I asked. ‘Supposing one of your customers recognised her?’
‘I’ve now spent a number of hours in your sister’s company and she's never given me the impression that she was anything other than a rather feminine young woman.’
‘Well I suppose it would give her something to do and get her out of the house. As you said, I can’t very well keep her locked up for the whole summer,’ I replied.
‘I’ll see what Mum thinks about the idea before mentioning it to her.’
‘Will you tell your mother the story about her background?’
‘No, perhaps not the whole story — I’ll just say that she’s your cousin and has recently lost both of her parents.’
Julie eventually came downstairs after having admired herself in the full length mirror for a good fifteen minutes, still in raptures about her hair and her polished finger nails. I doubt whether Sue had ever previously had such a grateful customer, as she paid the remaining money that she owed to her, including for my new set of finger nails.
‘I still have an hour to spare, would you like me to fix your makeup for you once again, Julie?’ asked Sue, clearly pleased with the appreciation of her efforts.
‘Oh yes please,’ she replied eagerly.
‘Would you also have time to do mine as well?’ I asked tentatively.
Sue looked towards me in surprise and then smiled.
‘Jennifer!’ she said, with emphasis, ‘I always thought you were above such trivial things as eye shadow and blusher.’
My cheeks coloured, thereby removing any need for the latter.
‘Well you made such a good job of Julie the other day that I thought I might get some ideas for when I go out with Joe on Tuesday night,’ I replied a little grudgingly.
My friend looked as if she’d scored a small victory as she smiled patronisingly at me and agreed to do so.
Chapter 10
Job opportunities
My sister and I came away from Sue’s house both looking and feeling glamorous, with our long painted finger nails and smouldering eyes, but Julie especially so with her new long blonde tresses which looked entirely natural. We’d also just benefitted from lessons in how to apply eye-makeup effectively and what colours best suited us. I even began to wonder whether my previous efforts with a mascara brush had been as alluring as I’d previously thought.
As we were driving back to Woodley, Julie turned to me.
‘Jenny you look so lovely and I feel so good about myself, I just wish we could do something or go out somewhere to celebrate together tonight.’
‘I don’t think Joe would be too happy if I went out ‘on the pull’ this evening, and you’re too young to do so yourself,’ I replied. ‘I suppose we could treat ourselves to a candle-lit dinner in a posh restaurant if you wish, but I’m getting a little worried at the rate you’re spending your money, before our father’s probate is even granted.’
(I didn’t, have quite the same confidence as she had that all would go to plan.) She accepted my caution with good grace, but I felt a bit sorry for her, after all it now looked as if I would be having a social life over the next few weeks, but the best she could look forward to was occasional trips out shopping with me.
‘We could have a candlelit meal at home, and each of us put on one of Mummy’s long dresses and some of her jewellery as we both look so good?’ she asked tentatively as we pulled into the drive.
‘Alright then, but remember there’s a lot more to being a girl than just wearing dresses and makeup.’ I answered.
‘I know, but looking like this helps to endorse my feelings of femininity which probably come naturally to you,’ she answered seriously. Then added in a giggly voice, ‘and dressing up is fun isn’t it.’
I slowly shook my head with scepticism, but somewhere inside me my sister’s infectious enthusiasm for all things girly was beginning to have its effect.
Thus as soon as our evening meal was prepared and in the oven, and the table laid with the best crockery, Julie and I started to play dress up together once again. We eventually settled on two of her mother’s strapless long evening dresses. She chose a bright red, one and I dark blue.
‘How are your hair extensions feeling now?’ I asked.
‘Fine thanks, I’m barely aware of their existence and it feels so nice to have long hair. You should get some yourself,’ she said.
‘No thanks, I like my hair as it is. You’ve already talked me in to getting these, which is quite enough to get used to for the time being,’ I said examining my long nails.
‘Yes, and I bet you’re now pleased that I did so,’ she replied smiling.
I assumed this was a rhetorical question and so I didn’t answer. Instead I changed the subject.
‘Would you like to have your hair up or down this evening?’ I asked.
‘If I had it up I could wear some nice earrings instead of just the studs,’
‘How are your pierced ears.
‘They feel fine too, and appear to have healed quite nicely. Do you think I could risk putting in a pair of Mummy’s earrings?’
‘Strictly speaking you should leave them for a little while longer, but it might be ok. It’s up to you,’ I replied.
‘Will you help me to put them in please Jenny?’
I first showed her how to put her hair up in a French twist and secure it with clips and a pretty tortoiseshell comb from her mother’s jewel box. We then held up several pairs of earrings from her mother’s jewellery box, before she settled on a pair of rather a nice white gold and crystal bomb drop design, which I helped put in for her. She also chose a matching necklace and ring from the jewel box.
In spite of all my worries about her future, I have to admit that Julie looked truly beautiful that evening. Also, although I say it myself, I didn’t look too bad either. However, as soon as she’d finished I noticed that tears were beginning to form in the corners of her eyes. It was as if looking so good had made her sad.
‘Whatever is the matter Julie?’
‘If only Mummy and Daddy could see me now. I only ever wanted them to be proud of me as a daughter rather than a son. I believe that Mummy was beginning to accept me and she thought that in time Daddy would come round as well. But he never got the chance to see me as a young woman.’
I took her in my arms and hugged her.
‘I’m so sorry Julie, I’m sure they both would have been very proud to have you as a daughter, just as I’m very proud to have you as a sister. But in the end you should want them to be proud of what you do with your life rather than what you look like.’
She then dissolved into sobs.
‘How can it be right for me to be feeling so happy to be a girl so soon after losing my parents?’
‘I don’t know, but sometimes things just happen. You didn’t wish your parents dead, but their death has provided you with the chance to discover yourself. It would be wrong not to embrace that opportunity.’
‘Oh Jenny, I really don’t know what I’d have done without you over the last three weeks.’
‘Oh my goodness Jen, now what have you got yourself into?’
She calmed down after a little while and I helped her to wipe her eyes and repair her makeup. We went on to have an enjoyable meal together and afterwards settled down to watch a mindless teenage video together.
The following morning Julie received a phone call from Sue, who’d spoken to her mother and was now asking whether she’d like to come along to the salon as an unpaid helper for two or three days each week. It was no surprise to me that my sister was keen to accept the offer. Since she now looked and acted so much like a girl I could hardly object, although I made her promise to be careful not to give herself away. I agreed to drive her to the salon the following morning and then collect her again at tea time. This suited me quite nicely because there were still a couple of my friends in Bracknell, who weren’t yet working, that I could go and visit.
Mum phoned me during the course of the morning to tell me that there was a large envelope from Nottingham University waiting for me at home, and also that somebody from the Bentalls Department store in the town had been trying to get hold of me. She was also anxious to know how things were going and so I offered to have lunch with her the following day, as I was going to be in Bracknell and I didn’t want to give her any excuse to come over and visit us. In the meanwhile, I returned the call from Bentalls, which turned out to be an invitation to attend an interview for a part-time job, at 10.00 am the following morning — things couldn’t have fitted together more neatly in a jigsaw puzzle.
‘Julie, how would you feel if I took a part-time job in Bracknell as well?’ I asked.
‘Would you continue to live here with me?’
‘Yes, of course, that was part of our agreement.’
‘In that case it would be fine by me, especially if your work times corresponded with my visits to the salon. Susie said that my days and hours could be flexible to suit myself.’
‘If I did get a job you’d only need to pay me a half of what you’re currently paying me,’ I volunteered, knowing that ready money might become a problem for her after a couple more weeks.
‘No, I’ll continue to pay you what we agreed, but it would be great if you could give me a lift into Wokingham on those days that I help out at the salon.’
‘Alright you can still pay me, but if I'm successful you needn’t hand over any more money from now on until after you have received the legacy from your Dad.’
It was odd, but although I was automatically now thinking of Julie as my sister, and I realised that we both shared the same father, I still couldn’t bring myself to say ‘our Dad’. My ‘Dad’ was the guy who’d brought me up, who was a thoroughly decent bloke, even though it had been obvious to me from an early age that he never quite understood the two women he’d taken on.
The following morning we set out for Wokingham and Bracknell, fifteen minutes later than I’d originally planned as Julie insisted that I should change into my black dress and put on some makeup for my interview. Fortunately, now that it was the end of July the schools had broken up for the summer and the morning traffic wasn’t bad. Thus I was able to make up most of the lost time before I dropped her off at the salon.
‘Good luck,’ I said as she got out of the car.
‘You too,’ she replied.
‘Now don’t get too carried away with all the cosmetics, remember that fifteen year old girls are also supposed to be capable of rational thought.’
She stuck her tongue out at me.
‘And you should start acting more like a young lady and less like a tearaway, if you’re to work in a smart department store.’
‘It’s only an interview, they haven’t offered me a job,’ I replied laughing.
There were three vacancies on offer: one in ‘ladies’ wear’, one in ‘children’s wear’ and a third in ‘house and home’, and there were a half dozen candidates being interviewed. In the event, I was quite pleased that I’d been bullied into putting on some lipstick and had my girly fingernails, since grooming appeared to be one of the things they were looking for in their shop assistants. Also the dress I was wearing had been purchased in the shop that I was now hoping to work for, only four weeks before, which seemed to count in my favour. I smiled sweetly and told the interviewers the sorts of things that my mother would want to hear from me. The ploy came off and they seemed to like me. I was offered three days work per week in ‘ladies wear’, but it was made clear that I would be required to wear the uniform provided by the shop, and that I’d also be expected to wear makeup and look ‘well-groomed’ at work each day. It seemed as if the whole world was in some sort of conspiracy to turn me into a ‘Barbie-doll,’ but at least that would be preferable to having to deal with obnoxious kids and their awkward mothers or else selling mops and toilet brushes all day long.
My departmental manageress seemed to be reasonably flexible about the hours to be worked — there was a basic rota but I’d be allowed to swap with my colleagues if necessary and there was rarely a problem in doing so, especially as I didn’t mind working on Saturdays, whilst many of my full-time colleagues preferred not to do so if they could avoid it. I explained about my forthcoming appointment at the Oxford District Probate Registry the following week, but fortunately there was no clash. Before I left the store I was issued with a couple of blouses, a skirt and a pair of black high heels which would be my uniform. I was also told that I could begin working the following Thursday morning.
Mum, predictable as ever, was pleased to see me wearing a dress, lipstick and nail varnish when we met for lunch, and said as much.
‘I’ve just come from a job interview, so don’t get your hopes up for any fundamental change in my lifestyle,’ I said, before she could show too much enthusiasm for my outfit.
‘I might have guessed,’ she said sighing, ‘but you do look nice.’
I gave her a perfunctory and ironic smile in recognition of the compliment.
‘So where’s Julian today?’
‘Er, he’s gone to visit a school friend for the day,’ I lied.
‘So how are you getting on?
‘Alright. Julian seems to be ok most of the time, although inevitably he gets upset at times,’ I answered without giving away too much detail.
‘More to the point, how are you both getting on together?’
‘What does she mean by that?’ I thought.
‘We’re both doing very well thanks, in fact I’ve rather grown to like my younger brother,’ I replied.
She didn’t question me any further on this topic, presumably because she had mixed feelings about the baby who’d brought about the break up of her first marriage. I asked about Dad, and she said he was missing me. Our conversation then dried up; I wasn’t going to mention Joe to her as she’d only want to meet him if I did. She handed over the envelope from the University instead. I had a quick look inside; it was all about my accommodation options for the next academic year, and so I decided to deal with it later. For want of anything else much to say, I proceeded to tell her about the funeral, and the delights of living in Woodley.
‘But what’s Julian going to do once you go to university?’ she asked.
‘I don’t really know, that’ll be up to him, but in about six week’s time when we’ve sorted out his mother’s probate he should be quite well off. He’ll also be sixteen and old enough to live on his own without too much interference from adults.’
‘That’s still very young to be looking after himself, no matter how well off he may be.’
‘I know, but he doesn’t want to go and stay with his Aunt in Australia.
‘Hmm,’ answered Mum in a non-commital way, but then decided to change the subject.
‘Of course, if his mother had died first, your legacy would have been a lot larger than it is now,’ she commented.
‘Why’s that?’ I asked.
‘If she’d died first, then your natural father would have inherited the house, her life assurance payments and a half of her estate. As a result his estate would have been many times larger than it was at the time of his death. As the two surviving legatees you and Julian would have been left half of it each.’
I may be the first in our family to be going to University, but my mother had always been quite shrewd, especially when it comes to money matters. I hadn’t really thought about the accident of fate that determined the size of my legacy, particularly as I’d never expected one in the first place. I shrugged my shoulders.
‘I’ll suppose that’s just the way it goes. I’ll be more than happy with the twenty-five thousand pounds or more that I do receive: especially as I was never allowed to have any contact with my natural father.’
My mother was getting used to my barbed comments regarding my late father. She looked a little guilty as I said those last words but I knew that she’d soon get over it. So I decided to rub a little more salt into the wound.
‘I’ll just have to rely on you and dad to make up the difference to me before you die,’ I said smiling sweetly, but knowing that it was highly unlikely.
‘You could always contest the will?’ she said. 'You might come away with a larger portion.'
‘No, it would be risky, expensive for one or other of us, and in any event I wouldn’t do that to my sister,’ I said, only half aware of what I was saying.
‘Sister? What sister?’
‘Sorry! I must be going Ga Ga, I meant my brother,’ I replied, colouring slightly. ‘He’ll have enough problems to contend with, without me seeking to cause him any more.’
That put an end to any further discussions of legacies or money, and soon afterwards she needed to go back to work. After she left I thought about what she’d said but decided that I wouldn’t wish to change places with my younger sister no matter how much money she’d inherited.’
I just had enough time to call in to see a couple of my friends in the afternoon before I needed to collect Julie from the salon at 5.00 pm. She was wearing a pink nylon tunic and skinny black three quarter length trousers that were worn by the other staff at the salon, but she nevertheless managed to look quite stunning, especially with her new hairstyle and fingernails. Her complexion also looked flawless with just a hint of blush on her cheeks.
‘Hi Jenny, I’ve really had a good time today,’ she said by way of greeting. ‘Sue has shown me how to put on foundation and blusher during a slack period this morning, but most of the day it’s been quite busy,’
‘In that case you’ll have to teach me sometime as well, since it looks as if I’ll have to start wearing makeup for my new job,’ I replied with studied weariness.
‘Great, it’ll be fun for us to get ready together in the mornings,’ she replied without even having noticed the sarcasm in my voice.
I rolled my eyes, but again Julie didn’t notice.
‘Whatever is happening to my sister’s brain?’
I explained the rota for my new job to Julie and Sue, and we agreed that Julie would help out at the salon on those days when I went to work at Bracknell, starting the coming Thursday. We would only have to make the journey on three days each week, leaving us plenty of time for other things.
Once we got home I took a shower and washed off the gunk from my face and began to get ready to go out with Joe. I half wondered whether to just put on my usual choice of jeans and a top as I’d had enough of dresses and make-up for one day and I didn’t want him to get the wrong idea about the sort of girl he was going out with. However, Julie would probably throw a hissy-fit if I’d done so, after she’d suggested the blue dress and we’d both gone to so much trouble looking for the right shoes on Saturday. Eventually I decided to stick with the dress but lay off the makeup and go for a more natural look, even though I did still have the girly painted finger nails.
Of course Julie did the opposite from me. She changed out of the tunic and trousers which had been her uniform for work and put on the dress that she’d worn earlier in the day. I also noticed that she’d quietly touched up her lipstick and mascara, and so she ended up looking more like the one with plans to go out for the evening than I did.
Over dinner Julie commented that my dress and shoes went well together, but didn’t push her luck for the second time in one day regarding my lack of makeup. We finished our meal and I’d cleared the dishes; she stayed downstairs long enough to say hello to Joe when he arrived to collect me. He complimented her on her new hair style, apparently unaware that she’d previously been wearing a wig. Julie thanked him and looked pleased but shortly afterwards disappeared up to her room, having quietly indicated that she would be in bed when we returned. As we were leaving the house, Joe commented that Julie looked very nice that evening, so I pointedly reminded him that she was only fifteen and below the age of consent. I also wondered whether I should have put on some eye shadow and eye liner after all. However, Joe did redeem himself later on by saying how nice my hands looked, as we were dancing, and so I invited him back to the house for ‘a coffee’, and he eventually made his way home, just as it was beginning to get light.
After an unpromising beginning, my summer break, between school and university was beginning to look up, in terms of my social life, my family life and my financial situation.
Chapter 11
Travel plans
It was almost noon on Wednesday before I emerged from my bed in search of a cup of coffee and looking as if I’d been dragged through a hedge backwards. Fortunately I was not due to begin work until the following day.
Julie had already been up for several hours and was working on her mother’s spreadsheet. She appeared to be able to switch between the ditzy blonde - only interested in nail varnish and eye shadow, and the well-organised accountant with an understanding of legal and financial matters way beyond her years. Today she’d dressed simply in slacks, a top and with only a smattering of makeup, but still looked great with her long hair and immaculate finger nails. I noticed also that she’d changed her earrings again. I was beginning to feel decidedly frumpy in comparison with my younger sister. I tried to picture her as a guy might do. There was still an element of boyishness in her appearance, but I could see that once she started taking oestrogen and began to develop a more rounded figure she would quickly grow to look ‘drop-dead gorgeous’. It was no wonder that she wanted to have the operation as soon as possible, for she’d soon have men queuing round the block after her.
Perhaps it’s just as well for me that you’re still only fifteen years old.
‘Hi Julie, you look smart this morning,’ I croaked, happy to congratulate her on those occasions she dressed sensibly.
She gave me a nice smile, and immediately realised that she couldn’t, in all honesty, return any compliment on my appearance.
‘Thanks Jenny. You look as if you had a good time last night.’
‘Yes thanks,’ I answered in a voice conveying that I didn’t wish to go into any more detail at that time.
I went downstairs to make a coffee and a minute or so later she joined me.
She hesitated for a minute before adopting her girly voice. I was instinctively on my guard as I’d been caught that way before.
‘Jenny — We’ll soon have to decide what we’re going to do about that week in Thailand at the end of August that my mother had booked before she died. It is only five weeks away. Mum had already paid for the air tickets and the hotel.’
We! What has this to do with me?’
‘I expect you’ll be able to claim at least a partial refund, given the circumstances, or maybe you could claim something from her travel insurance, if she had any,’ I said.
‘Yes that may be true, she continued, brushing my answer to one side, ‘But I was wondering whether you’d like to go with me in her place? It’s only for a week and it wouldn’t cost you anything,’ she asked tentatively. I’ve checked with the travel agent and there would be no difficulty in changing the booking.’
‘And you’d use the opportunity to visit the clinic and collect your supplies of female hormones,’ I replied.
She blushed for a moment, but then looked defiant
‘Yes I would, but that’ll probably only take an hour or so and it needn’t involve you. I’ve already seen the consultant once with Mummy and he’s expecting to see me again just before I’m sixteen. We’d be staying in Bangkok and there would be plenty of other things for us to see and do.
‘I don’t think so Julie, after all I’ve only just found myself a job and haven’t even begun working yet.’
‘You would only need to miss three days, and you’d probably be able to swap shifts to make up the time.’
‘But how will you get there since you don’t have a passport in Julie’s name?’ I asked.
‘I’ll just have to travel there and back as Julian,’ she replied with an expression of profound distaste. ‘But I can always dress androgynously and then change back to Julie as soon as I go through the passport control.’
‘You’d have to lose your precious hair and nail extensions,’ I commented.
‘Yes, worst luck, but it is a few weeks away and I believe that we’ll have received the legacies from Daddy by then and so I would be able to afford to pay Susie to put them back for me afterwards. It’ll be worth it if I can obtain my supplies of hormone tablets, and can really start my transition. Please reconsider,’ she said with her large entreating eyes.
She seems to be learning her body language quickly enough,’ I thought, but I held firm nevertheless.
‘And what about these hormone tablets, how will you get them back through customs?’ I asked trying to avoid making eye contact.
‘They’re only the same as contraceptive pills. It’s not as if they’re dangerous or illegal drugs. I intend to post some of them to myself and then take the remainder in my luggage. I doubt if they’ll attract any attention from the sniffer dogs, after all a good proportion of the holidaymakers who go to Thailand will be ‘on the pill’ already,’ she replied. ‘Maybe you could take some for me as well?’
‘Now hang on a minute Julie, I haven’t said I’ll be going. I’ll have to think about the implications of what you’re asking. I’m not even sure that I’d be able to get the time off work or afford to have a week abroad, even if the fare and hotel are paid for.’
‘It should only take a couple of weeks after your interview at the Probate Registry next week before the grant is made and we can access his bank account.
‘And what would happen if I were to be caught travelling with a minor who was trying to import pharmaceuticals?’
‘They’ll have been prescribed for me by a doctor and I’d only just be a minor by a matter of days,’ she replied.
‘Yes but you’d still be a minor nevertheless,’ I replied.
‘I suppose so,’ she answered looking downcast by my response.
I felt like ‘Wicked Witch of the West’.
‘Look, I don’t know, just give me a few days to think about it, alright,’ I answered irritably.
‘Yes of course,’ she said in a subdued voice and returned to her spreadsheet.
I went up to my room and started to read through the accommodation pack from Nottingham University. It included a letter asking me whether I wished to take up an offered place in their Halls of Residence or find somewhere to live in the private sector, and gave me a list of private accommodation in the area. I’ve never been a great one for communal living, and the thought of sharing a kitchen and bathroom with four or five others of my age wasn’t very appealing. It would be just my luck to be put in the same flat as students who’d never been called upon to lift a finger at home and couldn’t even wipe their bottoms properly. I’d either end up sharing their squalor or else be irritably clearing up behind the others, and labelled as ‘little Miss Clean Freak’. On the other hand moving in to a bedsit in a town where I didn’t know anybody held few attractions for me either. I’d be bound to move in to the same lodging house as someone learning to play the bagpipes, a serial killer who blocks the drains with body parts, or else a rapist who targets female students living on their own. I wasn’t sure which of these two alternatives would be least objectionable.
I didn’t really know too much about Nottingham beyond its association with Robin Hood and the wicked Sheriff. It had been the course rather than the city which had attracted me to apply there. My parents had taken me on one brief visit to the campus for the Open Day but we’d driven to the campus straight from the motorway and then returned so I didn’t get any chance to look around the surrounding area. I still had a few weeks before I needed to commit myself and so I began to wonder whether I might organise a trip to Nottingham with Joe to have a look around before making up my mind. This would also mean leaving Julie on her own for a couple of days, so I didn’t speak about my idea straight away.
It was my turn to cook for us both that evening. Julie offered to do it for me, but I didn’t wish to take advantage of her good nature and in any event suspected she may have had an ulterior motive in doing so. For once; I didn’t do too bad a job as we sat down to a dish or pork chops in a cider sauce. After complimenting me on my efforts, Julie started to make general conversation, but I could tell what was really on her mind.
‘Julie, you forget that I too was once fifteen, so stop trying to ‘butter me up’ in order to raise the matter of Thailand again. I’m not going to come to a decision until I’ve had a chance to think about things.’
’Now I really am sounding like my mother.’
The following morning was the first occasion that I tried to dress myself as ‘a daisy’ ready to go into work. Julie insisted on checking my makeup before we left, having first made a pretty good job of her own.
She goes to work in a salon for a single day and suddenly she’s become the expert?’
‘You need to look smart on your first day at work,’ she said as she brushed on some eye shadow, eye liner and a little blusher.
‘Now you’re now beginning to sound like my mother,’ I responded scornfully.
She ignored my comment and continued with her work.
‘There, how does that look?’ she asked.
I must admit that it was an improvement, and the extra makeup didn’t make me look like a slapper, as it would have done if I’d tried to apply it by myself.
‘It’s alright, I suppose,’ I admitted, and as an afterthought I added, ‘thank you very much.’
I then discovered that I’d never be able to drive the car safely wearing the pencil line skirt and high heels provided to me by the store, so I had quickly to put on some trousers and flats for the journey and get changed at work. I just made it on time, but made a mental note to leave myself a bit more time in the mornings.
After that first occasion, I let Julie finish off my makeup each morning that I was due to go into work. She was clearly a fast learner and soon became far more proficient and discerning than me. The upshot was that I tended to wear more makeup than I otherwise would have done, but she started coming home with free samples from the salon, so it didn’t cost me anything. On the other hand, I believe that I began to be a good influence on her fashion sense over the next week or two as well. By means of a combination of judicious compliments, occasional sarcastic comments together with one or two gifts of tops from work (I did now qualify for a staff discount) I gradually managed to get her dressing more like a teenager from the 2010s and less like one from the 1990s.. I would have liked her to make one or two purchases of her own, except that I was aware that she now only had enough ready money for a couple of weeks, pending the arrival of the Grant of Probate.
My sophisticated look and new found interest in clothes seemed to go down well at work, as I began to develop the skill of knowing which designs or colours suited individuals, and so I found myself able to offer advice to customers, whilst still keeping a straight face. The manageress of my department even hinted that if ‘Human Geography’ at Nottingham didn’t live up to my expectations, there might be an opening for me in ‘Ladies Wear’ in Bracknell. (I didn’t tell her that I’d far rather spend my life in a nunnery in the middle of the Ghobi desert.) My choice of geography was as a means for me to see some of the world and perhaps spend a couple of years undertaking Voluntary Service Overseas, not to end up selling frocks in some urban wasteland with as much architectural merit as a Soviet Gulag. I therefore politely declined her suggestion although saying that I might well be interested in returning for vacation work for the duration of my course. However, I find that I’m getting ahead of myself and also beginning to digress and so must return to the story of my sister and myself.
Julie didn’t say anything more to me about the proposed trip to Thailand for a few days, but we were both aware that the need for a decision was looming in the background. I wasn’t sure what to do so I thought I might discuss it with Susie, as she was the only other person who knew about Julie’s situation. I called round to see her one evening, when Joe was engaged in some utterly mindless pursuit involving bats and balls. Susie began our conversation by telling me how helpful my sister had been and how quickly she learned things.
‘I feel a little guilty because she works so hard. I wish we could pay her and let her loose on the clients, but she wouldn’t be covered by our insurance if she were to poison somebody or dye their hair bright green. However, if she’s still around once she’s sixteen, we would be happy to give her a Saturday job when she’s not at school.’
‘I wouldn’t worry for the time being, she seems to enjoy helping out and is pleased with the free products you give her; but aren’t you anxious in case someone guesses her real sex?’
Sue shrugged.
‘Nobody has said anything so far, in fact she’s popular with both the customers and the other staff. As far as my mum is concerned she’s your pretty little fifteen year old cousin called Julie.’
‘I worry in case my mother should take it into her head to have her hair done at your salon.’
‘She’s never done so before, but even if she did, would she recognise Julie as your former step-brother?’
I thought for a moment.
‘No, probably not, Julie looks quite different from Julian now,’ I admitted.
‘Maybe I need not be quite so paranoid about keeping her hidden at home in Woodley.’
I then told Susie about the suggested trip to Bangkok and its true purpose.
‘I must admit I quite like the sound of a free trip to Thailand, my parents have never ventured any further than Spain,’ I said.
‘Me too,’ replied Susie.
‘But I’d be concerned about her bringing back these hormone tablets with her,’ I said.
‘Well it’s not as if she’s trying to import heroin or crack cocaine into the country; it would just be a year’s supply of birth control pills, and demonstrably they are for her own use,’ she replied.
‘Yes I suppose so, but I’d still be technically responsible for her, and I’m sure that there must be a law about giving a minor access to female hormones,’ I said.
‘You could deny all knowledge of them, if she’s caught, but you should warn her first of all,’ suggested Sue.
‘The trouble is that she seems so determined, that if I don’t go with her in August, I suspect she’ll try and go by herself in September when she is sixteen and then would be in danger of getting picked up by all kinds of undesirables.’
‘But then she would no longer be your responsibility.’
‘I know, but she’s still my sister after all, and she’s not as worldly wise as she thinks. I suspect that any sweet-talking guy would sweep her off her feet and steal all her money, before she even got through customs.’
‘Would it help if I were to go along as well?’ she asked. ‘I’d have no objection to bringing back a three month supply of contraceptive pills through customs. You could do the same; I can’t see that causing any problem for us..
‘Would you like to go?’
‘Yes it could be fun if it’s not too late to alter the booking. It’s some time since I’ve had a proper holiday.’
‘What about Geoff?’
‘Oh, he’s booked to go to the Reading Festival with his mates. It’ll be nearly as expensive as a week in Thailand and they’ll just get drunk or stoned.
‘That would be fine by me, if you’re happy to come along. Of course Julie will have to travel as Julian, but you could help to change her back afterwards.’
‘Perhaps you’d better check with Julie first.’
That evening over dinner I raised the topic with Julie once again.
‘Regarding the trip to Bangkok, how would you feel if Susie came too,’ I asked.
‘That would be great, if she can get a flight,’ answered Julie.
‘Alright, assuming I can get the time off work and we can get Susie a flight we’ll come with you, but there’ll be conditions.’
‘What sort of conditions?’
‘You’ll have to change into Julian each time we go through passport control, which means that you’ll lose your precious hair and nail extensions until we get home.’
‘Alright, but I’ll be allowed to wear a wig and dress as Julie at other times, won’t I?’
‘I suppose so,’ I replied. ‘Secondly, you must promise me that you’ll not take any oestrogen until your sixteenth birthday when you’re no longer my responsibility. I’ll not be held responsible for your wish to become a woman — that was a decision taken by yourself, your mother and your therapist.’
‘Yes, I agree,’ she replied. ‘I’ll be sixteen a few days after we get home.’
‘Thirdly, Susie and I’ll carry a small supply of your pills through customs for you, pretending we are on the pill. This should be enough to keep you going for a few months. If you want to post some more to yourself, that’ll be up to you and will be your responsibility. Once you’re sixteen and we know exactly what drugs have been prescribed for you, I’ll see if I can help you to obtain some in this country.’
‘Oh Jenny, thank you so much,’ she said getting up to give me a hug.
‘As soon as I’m sixteen and have some money available I’ll try and find a private doctor who will co-operate with managing my transition. I hope that he or she will provide me with additional supplies, once I’ve used those that I get from Thailand.’
I nodded, but wondered whether or not we were doing the right thing.
Chapter 12
Interviews and conversations
It proved to be surprisingly easy to organise a full week off at the end of August for us to go to Thailand, it merely meant that I’d have to work virtually every other Saturday until I left for University. Likewise, purchasing one more air ticket for the same flight didn’t prove difficult, as there are always a couple of cancellations. When we looked at the details of the hotel we discovered there were already two queen sized beds in the room and so it was agreed that we could share and take it in turns to go down to breakfast. I needed to retrieve my passport from home to get the details so that Julie could arrange to substitute my name for her mother’s on the air tickets and at the hotel. I therefore popped in to see Mum and Dad the following evening, partly to let them know how I was getting on at Woodley.
For once, I was in Mum’s ‘good books’ as one of her workmates had been served by me at Bentalls and had commented to her what a helpful young lady I was becoming. Dad muttered that he missed having me around the place and gave me a hug, which for him, was equivalent to an emotional outburst. Inevitably mum wanted to know why I needed my passport, but seemed satisfied when I told her it was for identification purposes at my forthcoming Probate Interview. I didn’t think it was a good idea to tell them about our proposed trip to Thailand at this stage. I would have to tell them before we left, but wanted to choose my moment carefully and only after all the arrangements had been made. I did however make the mistake of mentioning that I might be going to have a look around Nottingham.
‘What about Julian?’ she asked.
‘He can come with me, if he wants,’ I lied.
(I wasn’t going to mention about Joe coming along, or else she would start asking about the sleeping arrangements.)
‘Where will you be staying?’
My mother is so predictable. I could see how her mind was working.
‘In a Travelodge; it’s only for a couple of nights, we can share a twin room.’
‘People might talk with two teenagers sharing a hotel room.’
‘Only people like you.’
‘You don’t need to worry about Julian Mum, I’m sure my virginity is perfectly safe in his hands,’ I replied caustically. ‘After all he is my half brother, still recovering from the loss of his parents, and from the look of him I doubt whether his balls have even dropped yet.’
‘If only you knew the whole story. Julian would be the least of your worries.’
‘Jennifer, you can be very coarse at times,’ she commented; so I knew that things were back to normal between us.
Assuming Julie was right with respect to the timing of the Grant of Probate, my own financial situation at the end of July looked quite secure. I had the money already paid to me by Julie over the previous four weeks, most of which I’d managed to save; my salary from the shop, which would keep me afloat for my day to day needs in future, and of course the promised legacy expected in two or three weeks. The proposed trip to Thailand had already been paid for, and it wouldn’t cost us much to get from Reading to Heathrow Airport. Even if Julie was being over-optimistic regarding the timing of the legacy there was also the overdraft facility. If it came to the crunch, I’d be able to keep us both afloat for a few weeks, and, if necessary loan some money to Julie when I moved out. Thus I wouldn’t be leaving her entirely in the lurch.
Julie had less money immediately available following the death of her mother and the freezing of her bank account, but her longer term financial prospects also seemed to be improving by the day as we received more correspondence containing financial statements or cheques due to the estates of either of her parents. She kept me informed exactly what was going on because, in due course, I would apply to be the administrator and would have to handle the funds.
‘I’d no idea my parents had so much money invested or else due from life insurance policies,’ she said. ‘By the time I sell the family home and pay-off the inheritance tax I’ll have more than three quarters of a million pounds at my disposal.’
‘Wow! So what do you intend to do with it all?’ I asked.
‘First of all, I’ll find somewhere quiet to settle where nobody knows me and where I can live as a girl and complete my transition. If I can, I’ll also try and resume my education, but only if I can do so as a girl. Then, on my eighteenth birthday, I want to have my operation. Two years after that I’ll apply for my Gender Recognition Certificate, and if Mr Right should come along at some time, get married or else find a job and live happily ever after as a woman.’
Then, as an afterthought she added, ‘except, of course, I’d far rather have done it with the help and approval my parents than merely by using their money’.
‘You really have got you life mapped out, haven’t you?’ I said.
‘You’ll need to be very careful though, a lonely and isolated young girl with access to plenty of money is likely to attract every good looking fortune-hunter and wastrel in a fifty mile radius.’
‘I suppose I have, but Jenny I’m very grateful to you for your help.’
’I do wish you’d stop saying that!
‘It’s been my pleasure,’ I said giving her a smile, ‘even if you do bully me into wearing too much makeup.’
She smiled shyly in return.
‘Most of the time these days I find it difficult to remember that there was once a boy in there.’
‘By the way, there was a cheque this morning from daddy’s motor insurance for nearly £12,000 for his written-off car,’ she continued. ‘I think it will be fairest if we bank it in his savings account. That way you and I can receive a quarter after his probate and the remainder will go into my mother’s estate. Your legacy should now be more like £30,000, and there may be even some more in the years to come if the company can prove the liability of the other driver.’
Julie was being very fair with me. She could easily have decided that the cheque should be banked in her parents’ joint account in which case I would have received no benefit from it.
‘That’s very generous of you,’ I said.
‘Generosity has nothing to do with it; it’s just a question of following the instructions in our father’s will. They each regarded their cars as their own. However, once we’ve finished sorting out my mother’s probate, I’d like you to keep her car as a thank-you present for doing the work.’
‘But it’s only a few months old, and in any event you’ve done most of the work.’
‘It’ll be more than a year before I’m old enough to have a provisional driving licence, and I’m not even sure whether they will give me one in Julie’s name before I am eighteen. The car will have lost much of its value by then.’
‘That’s very kind of you Julie, but I don’t think I can accept such a gift,’ I said, knowing that in a few weeks time I’d be leaving her to fend for herself.’
‘So be it, but the car is insured in your name for nearly a year, so there’s no reason why you shouldn’t continue to borrow it. You can even take it with you to University, if you like and then you could come and visit me from time to time. In the meanwhile it’ll be useful having you here to drive me in to Wokingham.’
I could see that there was an ulterior motive behind her generosity, but it was generosity all the same.
To be honest I didn’t know how I should be feeling about the recent events. After all, I was hardly likely to be heartbroken about the prospect of £30,000 plus the loan of an almost new car, at the expense of the deaths of two people that I barely knew existed, no matter what I ought to have been feeling for my father and his wife. Of course it was quite different for Julie who would now have to face her future without parents or friends and I truly felt sorry for her. The best thing for me about the last few weeks had been the discovery that I had a sibling, even if it was one with a severe case of gender confusion.
I went out with Joe on a couple more occasions during the week which gave me a brief dose of normality. He was good fun to be with, and the sex was pretty good as well, but I made sure that I didn’t get any long term romantic ideas about him and got the impression that he was doing the same about me. He even came to lunch with the two of us on the Sunday and stayed at the house for the afternoon and early evening. I did wonder whether Julie and I were taking a risk by exposing her to a visitor for such a prolonged period, in case she did or said something to give away her origins. I needn’t have worried though, my sister played the part of a fifteen year old girl to perfection, even to the extent of insisting that we sat through a (so called) talent contest on television that had her cooing at some adolescent boy bands.
After tea Julie decided to go and wash her hair and then have an early night, so that Joe and I could have some time together.
‘Sorry to inflict that mindless pap on you,’ I said to Joe after she’d left us.
‘That’s ok, I’m quite used to it; after all I’ve a fourteen year old sister of my own. Maybe we could take both our sisters to see the latest Harry Potter film sometime?’ he suggested.
‘It would be nice for Julie to have some friends of her own age, but maybe it would be a little bit risky.’
‘Perhaps, but you’d better check it out with your sister first.’
From Monday to Wednesday we were both working. I didn’t really mind my job, and it was infinitely preferable to my summer job last year packing bacon. The only snag is that you don’t get to meet any fit guys in the ‘Ladies Wear’ department, just bored looking husbands, but with Joe on the scene this wasn’t really an issue. Julie continued to be enthusiastic about her work, coming home each evening with new ideas regarding makeup and hairstyles which she was anxious to try out on one or other of us. I didn’t really mind, although it was always a relief to go out with Joe, even if he was now beginning to think of me as a ‘girly girl’ in spite of my periodic attempt to disabuse him.
The first big step towards acquiring the legacies from our father’s estate came on the Thursday when I was required to attend for an interview at the Probate Registry in St. Aldates, in Oxford at 11.00am. Julie accompanied me: but of course wouldn’t be able to come in to the interview with me since, according to the documentation, the only other person involved was my half-brother. It might be difficult to explain who she was.
For once, we were in agreement as to what I should wear. I needed to look as mature, smart and business-like as possible, but I insisted that if I was going to have to wear a suit and a blouse for the trip, then she should do so as well. Julie seemed more than willing to oblige and there were a couple of suitable outfits formerly belonging to her mother, which fitted us both. Mine was a dark red linen trouser suit, as I’d had enough of wearing tight skirts whilst at work. My sister wore a charcoal grey jersey two-piece suit with a full skirt. We chose co-ordinating blouses and jewellery. I let her finish off my makeup, as she did for work. I think we both looked the part as we drove to the Redbridge ‘Park and Ride,’ on the Ring Road south of Oxford, and caught a bus into the High Street. The Probate Registry was opposite Christchurch, a short walk away
‘How are you feeling?’ Julie asked as we sat in the waiting room prior to my appointment.
‘A little nervous,’ I replied.
‘There’s nothing for you to worry about, but remember you should mention that my mother has died since we made the application, and show them her death certificate. They have not been formally notified as yet. It shouldn’t complicate matters; indeed it might even simplify them as she was the original named administrator.’
After a few more minutes I was called into the interview room and shook hands with the registrar, and sat on the seat provided. She looked through the file on her desk. I was glad that I was dressed smartly, and grew in confidence. At last she finished looking through the documents and looked up smiled at me.
‘Miss Robertson, please accept my condolences for the death of your father, but I must also compliment you on the correct way you have completed the forms and supplied us with all the required documentation. The applications that we receive from solicitors do not always meet this standard of accuracy. I don’t think I have any further questions to ask of you.’
I blushed.
‘Actually it was my younger brother who did most of the paperwork,’ I admitted, ‘but I’m sure that I now understand what will be required of me as the administrator.’
‘In that case he is to be congratulated as well,’ she said, continuing to smile.
I then started to explain about the death of Julian’s mother and handed over one of her death certificates to be copied and returned to us in due course.
‘So your younger brother has lost both of his parents and he’s still a minor; that really is a tragedy,’ she commented.
‘Yes, but he seems to be coping reasonably well, and his mother and father have left him well provided for — at least until he completes his education. We are also planning to administer his mother’s estate in due course.’
‘I hope you’re able to do so without too much difficulty. If you have any questions as to what is required you may telephone our office, I’m sure my staff will do their best to help in any way they can.’
She then asked me to swear an oath on a copy of the Bible, promising to administer the estate in accordance with the deceased’s will.
‘Thank you, she said at last. ‘As you are not the executor named in the will, your Grant of Representation will be in the form of a document known as Letters of Administration, which you will received by post within the next ten working days. This document will give you the right to dispose of your father’s assets in accordance with his wishes.’
We shook hands again and I left.
‘How did it go?’ Julie asked as we walked out of the office together.
‘Julie, you’re a genius. There were no problems and we should get the grant sometime in the next fortnight and you and I should get our legacies. So why don’t we now do some shopping to celebrate and have you looking more like a teenager from 2010.’
We spent the afternoon in Oxford shopping for some more modern looking tops and slacks for Julie to wear. I also decided that as soon as the bulk of the money arrived I’d treat myself to an iPhone, and also get something special for mum and dad as well.
‘There’s one other thing I’d now like to do, if you’re willing to help me,’ said Julie as we were waiting to pay for her purchases.
‘What’s that Sis?’ I asked.
‘For practical reasons I had to attend both of my parents’ funerals as Julian, but I’d now like to say goodbye to them as Julie. How would you feel if we arranged to scatter their ashes together at some time?’
‘Yes of course, I should be happy to do so. Where do you have in mind to scatter the ashes?’ I asked, hoping it wouldn’t be somewhere too distant or embarrassing.
‘I was thinking about the Berkshire Downs near to the Uffington White Horse*. Dad was always interested in the prehistoric monuments in that area and used to take us there and to Wayland's Smithy from time to time. We could do it at any time that’s convenient to you,’ she said.
‘We’re both be working on Saturday, but I suppose we could take a drive there this Sunday afternoon’ I suggested.
‘Fine, in that case would you be able to collect the ashes from the Funeral Parlour tomorrow as you aren’t working. I cannot very well do it myself?’
‘Perhaps ’Julian’ could phone them as to say that I will be coming to collect the ashes, together with my sister. With your new hairstyle I don’t think they are likely to recognise you as Julian, but it may be wisest to let me do the talking,’ I said.
‘Alright then, I’ll phone them now and we’ll pick them up tomorrow morning,’ she replied smiling.
‘There’s also something I’d like to ask of you, as well Julie.’
‘What’s that?’
‘I’ve no memories of our father and yet he’s leaving me all this money. Would you let me have a picture of him to keep?’
‘Yes of course, there are one or two nice studio portraits of him, at home, I’ll buy a photo frame this afternoon and let you have one.’
Julie and I decided to walk to the funeral parlour together as it was another nice day and only just over a mile away. With her new hairstyle and up to date clothing there was now no trace of any incongruity in her appearance. As we left the house I stopped briefly to speak with one of the neighbours. I explained that Julian had gone to stay with his Aunt in Canberra for a few weeks and that my sister and I would be looking after the house for the summer until the legal formalities for its sale had been completed. The neighbour accepted the story without question and briefly spoke of what an awful tragedy had befallen the family. She didn’t seem to recognise the young girl who was waiting for me a few steps away. No doubt, she would spread the story around the neighbourhood. Similarly, there was no difficulty when we arrived at the funeral parlour to collect the ashes. In both of these instances Julie stood there looking like a slightly awkward teenage girl, whilst I did the talking. From now onwards there would be no question of our having to hide her as we came and went or when somebody came to the door.
* The Uffington White Horse is a huge prehistoric representation of a running horse cut in to the chalk of one of the Berkshire Downs, and is visible from several miles away. Wayland's Smithy is a Neolithic long barrow and chamber tomb site located near the Uffington White Horse.
Chapter 13
The girlyness test
Julie and I must have appeared to be an odd pair on that Sunday afternoon at the beginning of August. Two smart, but sombrely dressed young ladies wearing unsuitable high-heeled shoes, carefully picking their way up the footpath towards the panorama overlooking the Uffington White Horse. I wore my black dress again, and Julie the charcoal grey suit. We each carried a grey cardboard box containing the ashes of one of Julie’s parents, I carried those of our father, and she had those of her mother. When we reached our destination we waited for a suitable moment when not many people were around and then stood next to one another slowly pouring the ashes into the breeze. The gentle wind over the Berkshire downs mingled the ashes together and carried them away towards the White Horse, until there was no sign left on the ground at our feet. We stood and watched for a few minutes each of us lost in our own thoughts, before I turned to Julie to give my sister a hug. There were tears in her eyes, but she wasn’t sobbing.
‘Thank you Jenny, I should be alright now,’ she said. ‘I’ve said goodbye to my parents and am now ready to move on with my life.’
I held her hand as we carefully picked our way back down the footpath to the car park before we made our way back to Woodley. That evening, Julie gave me a nicely framed photograph of my natural father, the first one of him I’d seen.
‘He wasn’t bad looking,’ I commented,
‘I suppose so,’ replied Julie. ‘You appear to have inherited your eyes from him.’
The Letters of Administration for our father’s estate arrived in the post on the Wednesday of the next week. We weren’t due to work on that day, so I drove into Reading in order to present the document to the bank, together with my passport as ID. Julie agreed that it would not be wise for her to come, in case anyone at the bank should recognise her after the recent interview with Julian and myself. Instead, she could now begin the task of winding up her mother’s financial affairs in earnest, completing the various forms and assembling the documents necessary to value her mother’s estate and work out the inheritance tax to be paid. I could then apply for probate on her behalf and she could begin disposing of the assets, selling the house and embarking upon her new life. She was confident that we would be able to do all the paperwork over the next two weeks and then I could have my second probate interview in mid September before I left for Nottingham on the 25th.
Julie provided me with a list of financial transactions to make in Reading including depositing a sizable number of cheques and other payments received, and then transferring a large proportion into her late mother’s account, which was itself frozen, except that it could still receive deposits. I was now directly responsible for what seemed to be huge sums of money, but had, of course, sworn to follow the terms of the will.
Eventually, after all the various deposits, payments, and fees, there remained just over £60,000, which was to be shared equally between ‘Julian’ and myself. I therefore made the necessary transfers and closed my father’s account. That was the end of his financial affairs on this Earth, just as his bodily remains had been scattered to the four winds. I had the feeling that we were gradually removing all traces of his existence, just as my mother had done from her life many years before. Of course I was more than grateful for the bequest. For the foreseeable future, my sister’s and my own financial problems were at an end. Even if there were problems with her mother’s probate Julie had enough money to keep herself afloat for two or three years. But I wish I’d been allowed to know him, and was glad that I’d asked Julie for something tangible to remember him by.
After I emerged from the bank I went to buy my new iPhone and also looked around the shops for a suitable present to buy for Mum and Dad. Thus it was just about lunch time before I returned to Woodley.
There was no response from Julie as I came in and she was no longer working in the office upstairs, where I’d left her. I assumed she must be in the master bedroom, perhaps trying on some clothes, but there was no response when I knocked at the door and then cautiously opened it. She didn’t appear to be anywhere in the house. I quickly looked in both garages and the back garden, but she was also nowhere to be seen.
‘What has happened to her? Where has she gone? What if someone recognises her?' I asked myself.
There was nothing I could do except wait and hope that she was alright. Eventually, after about half an hour, she breezed in carrying a plastic carrier bag, as if she didn’t have a care in the world.
‘Hi Jen, did everything go alright at the bank?’
‘Where the hell have you been? I’ve been worried sick,’ I said sharply, realising, as I said it, that I was sounding just like my mother used to sound, when I was fifteen years old.
Julie let out a little startled squeak, clearly surprised by my reaction.
‘I only went to the grocery shop to get us some milk and some bread,’ in a rather girlish, self-pitying voice.
‘But what if one of the neighbours had recognised you and it becomes common knowledge in the neighbourhood that Julian is now dressing as a girl?’ There would be Social Workers round in no time and you’d be taken into care, and that’ll be the last you see of your precious hormones until you’re eighteen.’
I realised I was probably being unreasonable as I said it, but continued nevertheless. It was partly my monthly cycle, but I was mainly angry with myself; feeling guilty that in just over six weeks I would be leaving her to fend for herself.
Her eyes began to fill with tears and her lower lip trembled.
‘I’m sorry Jenny, I thought it would be alright as we went out together several times last week and nobody recognised me,’ she responded, clearly hurt by my rebuke.’
‘In any event, I don’t look like Julian now that I’ve long fair hair,’ she continued, still upset but also with a trace of petulance.
I couldn’t help smiling at her very feminine reaction to my anger.
‘I know and I’m sorry that I snapped at you, but it’s different when I’m with you. You might give yourself away on your own,’ I replied a little more gently.
‘Susie lets me go out on my own during my lunch break, and there’s never been any problem,’ she responded sniffing to stop herself from crying.
I wasn’t aware of this; I’d assumed that she took her lunch in the salon.
‘But that’s Wokingham; nobody knows you there.’
‘Not many people in Woodley knew Julian, and only you and Susie know about Julie. Sometimes I get bored and lonely having to stay in the house so much.’
‘Alright, but you did agree to follow my advice,’ I said soothingly.
‘Yes I know, and I’m truly grateful for everything you’ve done for me Jenny. I don’t want to cramp your style or get in the way.
‘You’re not in my way, this is your house and it’s your life. I’m sorry that I got angry, it’s only because I care about you,’ I said giving her a hug.
‘I know you do, but you’ll be leaving in a few weeks and I’ll have to manage on my own,’ she said beginning to sob. ‘You said you were going to help me by pointing out where I go wrong in my attempts to live as a woman, but all you ever say is that I look nice.’
I gave a little laugh.
‘That’s because you do look nice, silly. Perhaps you are a bit too keen on wearing dresses and makeup for my taste, but most of the time you act and look just like a girl.’
‘In that case why can’t I go out on my own?’ she asked sniffing.
I must admit she has a point there.
‘I did say ‘most of the time’. I do notice occasional minor lapses; phrases or gestures that are not quite right.’
‘Then why don’t you point them out to me?’
‘Most of them would seem so petty that it hardly seems worth the trouble to point them out; but you do have a point. Let me have a talk to Susie to see what she thinks and whether we can give you any better feedback or advice on improving your presentation.'
‘Alright then,’ she sniffed.
‘We could go out and buy you some more clothes this afternoon if you like,’ I offered by way of consolation..
‘I’ve enough clothes with the stuff we bought at Oxford thanks,’
She’d clearly hadn’t entirely forgiven my outburst.
I proceeded to tell her about my financial transactions and my purchases to change the subject. I had also intended to tell her about my proposed trip to Nottingham with Joe, but at the last moment I had a change of plan.
‘Julie, how would you fancy coming with me if I were to organise a couple of days to have a look around Nottingham?’ I asked, trying to take her mind off things. ‘I’ll soon have to decide where I’m going to be living when I go up to University.’
‘Wouldn’t you rather go with Joe?’
‘No, I think I’d prefer to go with you on this occasion. This is intended as a ‘fact-finding’ trip and if Joe were to come it might just turn into an excuse for a ‘dirty weekend’. After all, he’s just a bloke and wouldn’t know what to look out for,’ I said, genuinely forgetting about Julie’s origins as I said it.
She coloured and looked away for a moment, but then looked at me shyly.
‘Thank you for saying that. I’d love to go with you,’ she replied.
I smiled and felt a little less like a harpy than I had done of late.
It proved reasonably easy to identify three days together when I wouldn’t have to go in to work, in just over a week’s time. We looked on the Internet and booked a twin room in the Nottingham Travelodge for a couple of nights; not exactly the luxury hotel that I’d originally envisaged but conveniently sited all the same.
Both Julie and I were working the next day; Susie had to come in to Bracknell to meet a supplier. She called in to Bentalls at lunch-time and we had a coffee and sandwiches together at a nearby café.
‘Aren’t you worried about Julie working in salon without you being there to keep an eye on her?’ I asked.
‘Not really, Mum and the other girls are all there.’
‘So nobody realises that she used to be a boy?’
‘I think my mother may have some slight suspicions; she asked about exactly who Julie was, but I told her it was better for her not to delve too deeply if she wanted Julie to continue to work for her. Mum really appreciates having her to help, and the other assistants in the shop all get on well with her and seem to accept her as ‘one of girls’.’
‘Julie is a lovely looking girl and I’m sure she’ll be ok in the long term, but at times there is something slightly out of place about her manner that I can’t quite put my finger on.’
‘I think you’re a little paranoid about her Jen. You’ll have to trust her, particularly as she’s going to be on her own come the end of September.’
I then related the tale about our little spat the previous day.
‘I’d be anxious about leaving any sixteen year old girl to fend for herself, let alone one who used to be a boy,’ I replied. ‘She certainly looks and acts the part these days, but sometimes she gives off clues about her origins. How can we help her, to make sure that she’ll be alright come September.’
‘I’m not sure that she needs that much help. Most of the time I forget that she was ever a young man, and the last few rough edges will soon be removed with a little more experience,’ she replied.
‘Maybe we could work out some way of assessing her performance and giving her some feedback as to how she might improve.’
‘Do you mean by devising some kind of ‘girlyness test’ for her?’ she asked laughing.
I was intrigued by the idea, although I was the last person on earth to see myself as a model of femininity.
‘I’ve seen examples of such tests in teenagers’ magazines, but the’re normally totally mindless or else trying to sell more cosmetics, but the idea could be adapted,’ continued Sue.
‘I suppose we could look at the different aspects of her being able to pass successfully as a young woman, such as her appearance, her speech and conversation, her movements and gestures, how she interacts with people and her background knowledge,’ I said. ‘We could mark them according to an agreed scale and come up with an overall assessment together with comments to identify those areas where she needs to improve her presentation.’
‘It’s an interesting idea, but you’d need to break it down quite a lot further. For example, if you took her appearance, it would need to include such things as body shape, complexion, hair style, use of cosmetics, clothes sense, manicure and pedicure’ etc. etc.’
‘Alright, so we might end up with twenty different things to comment on, but if we could mark and comment upon each aspect of her looks and behaviour, we should come up with a useful overall picture.’
‘She already does very well in some of those areas, and there are others where she wouldn’t be able to do anything, at least not in the short term, for example her body shape, or indeed her height - although in her case that isn’t a problem,’ said Susie.
‘I know, but we would still assess them nevertheless to give her an overall picture of those areas where she successfully she presents herself as a young woman, and those which require more care.’
‘We’ve already helped her in terms of her appearance and general behaviour in public, but successful transition would also depend on how she interacts with men as well. If we’re going to do it properly we would also need to recruit at least one guy on to the team of examiners to give his opinion,’ suggested Susie.
‘Joe has met her and spent a little time with her, and I think I could probably trust him not to freak out or sell the story to the local newspaper,’ I said. ‘However, I’d have to ask Julie’s permission before I said anything to him.’
That night I started to draw up my list of criteria upon which we might judge Julie’s appearance and demeanour and arranged them under different headings. Somewhat to my surprise, my list soon reached thirty and so I was forced to start combining them to get the number down to twenty five. Thus under ‘appearance,’ I listed: height, weight, hair, eyes, lips, ears, neck, and shoulders, hands and fingernails, boobs, waist, hips, legs and her feet. I also included two more abstract things: her general dress sense and her use of cosmetics. Under the second heading: ‘speech and conversation’ I included: voice pitch and timbre, her use of vocabulary, conversational style and her sense of humour. Under the heading ‘posture, movements and gestures,’ I noted how she stood, walked, climbed stairs, sat, her use of hand gestures and her general body language. Finally, we would seek to award a mark of how she interacts with people.
I arranged each of these criteria down one column of a spreadsheet, and added the initials of the person that I thought might judge best. Thus Sue’s would assess her appearance and I would judge her speech and body language. I also added Joe’s initials in those few places where a man’s input might be helpful. Across the top row of the spreadsheet I added labels containing one of five possible descriptors that would help us assess her performance. Thus for each of the criteria she would be judged as ‘manly’, ‘boyish’, ‘androgynous’, ‘girlish’, or ‘womanly’, and then be awarded between 0 and 4 marks accordingly. This would ultimately give her a score out of 100. In the final column there would be space for specific comments.
In addition to the above Susie and I would draw up a test of her background knowledge of information which we would expect any young woman to know, but wouldn’t necessarily expect a guy to do so.
Before saying anything to Julie about my idea, I emailed the spreadsheet to Sue, asking for her comments and also for any suggestions for the written part of the assessment. Half an hour later she telephoned me with a few minor suggestions to the wording.
‘It’s an interesting idea, Julie will undoubtedly do quite well under several of these criteria,’ said Sue.
‘Yes, no doubt helped in part by the pills she’s been taking and her general enthusiasm for all things ‘girly,’ I replied. ‘But that is good, it will boost her confidence whilst directing her attention to where it is most needed.’
‘I’m not sure how well I’d score on such a test,’ added Sue.
‘Me neither, but if you like we could try it out on one another first,’ I suggested.
‘I’d be happy to try it out on you if you wish, but I’m not having you pass judgment on my dress sense or use of cosmetics if you want us to remain friends with one another,’ she replied decisively.
The following day I broached the idea with Julie as we were driving in to work. She was intrigued by the plan and interested to know how she would score.
‘How would you feel if we involved Joe in the process to get the male perspective?’
‘I’m going to have to get used to people knowing all about me — just as long as he doesn’t start telling anyone in authority who might try and stop me from doing what I need to do. Having lived as Julie for nearly a month, I think I would want to kill myself if I had to go back to being Julian again.’
‘Now then young lady, let us not get melodramatic, remember you’ll be sixteen in four weeks time. But at the same time I don’t think you need worry; I’ll make sure he doesn’t tell anyone.’
Chapter 14
A visit to the cinema
It turned out that Joe had harboured no suspicions regarding the biological sex of my sibling. He was certainly surprised by the news when I told him on Friday as he called round to the house after work, but was much less fazed than I might have imagined. Once he was sure that I wasn’t just trying to wind him up, he simply shrugged his shoulders.
‘That poor kid, she really has been through a lot recently, but if that’s what she wants in life, then good luck to her.’
‘Joe, you must promise me that you won’t tell anyone else about this, particularly as she is still so young. It’s just the sort of story the Reading Chronicle would love to publish on their front page complete with lurid headlines and references to the recent loss of her parents. If that were to happen, it would bring out a rash of social workers, and convince my mother that I am as irresponsible as she always feared.’
He put his hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eyes, giving me one of those smiles that make me go weak at the knees.
‘Don’t worry Jen, I promise not to tell anyone about your sister. What she does with her life is entirely her business.’
It is just my luck; for once I get to go out with a decent guy just at the time we’re both planning to move to opposite ends of the country.
I couldn’t stop myself from giving him a hug and a kiss, even if I did have to stand on tip-toe to do so.
‘What was that for?’ he asked.
‘It was to show my appreciation that you didn’t try to say something funny at Julie’s expense, and also that you continue to refer to her as my sister. Some guys would have been quite nasty about her once they’d discovered her origins.’
‘Only those who are unsure of their own gender identity and perhaps also a little jealous of her courage,’ he replied in a matter-of-fact way. ‘Julie has always struck me as being a very attractive young lady, and if I were a year or two younger I might even fancy her myself.’
He said this with a twinkle in his eye, but I attempted to stick my elbow into his rib cage, just the same, although in the event it ended up in his gut due to our height difference. Once he’d regained his breath, I proceeded to explain the purpose of my proposed evaluation. He smiled at the idea, but seemed interested by the concept.
‘So will you be prepared to help us with our evaluation exercise and give us the ‘blokey’ point of view?’ I asked.
‘I’ll do my best to help, but there will be two conditions.’
‘What are they?’ I asked.
‘Firstly, I’ll need to see how Julie copes with everyday life outside of her house and how she gets on with other people, if I am going to do the task properly. What about my suggestion that we should treat our younger sisters to a trip to the cinema some time? It would be a good opportunity for me to see how she manages.
‘You won’t tell your sister about Julie,’ I said, not as a question but as an absolute command.
‘No I won’t say anything, although Clare can be quite observant. If she makes any comment about Julie, I’ll deny all knowledge and assure her that she’s imagining things. I’ll also let you know afterwards.’
‘Alright then, if Julie and Clare are agreeable we can all go and see the latest Harry Potter film tomorrow night if you like. So what’s your other condition?’
‘That you provide me with a second copy of your questionnaire and that I get to evaluate you at the same time.’
‘Why would I want to take a ‘girlyness’ test?’
‘Because I think there is something of an identity struggle going on inside you as well. You’ve grown up as this rebel and tomboy, but I suspect that having to look after your kid sister has brought out a softer, more feminine side to your character, which you never knew was there. I also believe that you‘re just a little bit frightened by that discovery,’ he said giving me an inscrutable smile.
’What is this guy, some kind of amateur psychiatrist?’
I tried to give a dismissive sigh, whilst simultaneously blushing at what he’d just said.
‘Well?’ he asked.
‘Alright, I suppose so, but we’ll have to find a way of anonymizing the results, otherwise I may not want to talk to you ever again.’
Julie had been busy upstairs whilst this was happening, drawing up a list of her mother’s possessions with a view to valuing them for inheritance tax purposes. She was entering them on to the computer as I entered the room. She turned to look at me
‘Have you told him?’
I nodded.
‘So how did he react?’ she asked anxiously.
‘Why not come down and find out, he’s sitting in the lounge.’
‘Oh God,’ she responded with sudden trepidation. ‘Do I look alright?’
‘Of course you do,’ I answered smiling at the idea — there were hardly any occasions these days when she failed to come home from work looking anything short of gorgeous. ‘Now come downstairs and talk to Joe, after all he will be carrying out an assessment of you over the next few days.’
She followed me downstairs, smoothing out the wrinkles in her skirt as she did so.
‘Hi Joe, I gather you now know my little secret,’ she said, clearly trying to sound more confident than she was.
He got up and walked over to her, taking both her hands in his.
‘I’m afraid so Julie, but I want you to know that I am totally cool about it and I’m glad to have been taken into your confidence. I’m just sorry that I won’t be around to see you develop fully into a lovely young woman.’
With that he kissed her on the cheek. Julie went bright red and didn’t answer, but I could see that she was pleased by his reaction.
Eventually I left them talking together whilst I went to the kitchen and hurriedly threw something together for us all to eat.
Over dinner we arranged to go to the cinema the following evening, Joe having checked first that it was alright with his sister as well. He didn’t stay long after dinner though as he often met up with a group of guys for a drink on Friday evenings. This suited me as I had plenty of things to do. I therefore saw him to the front door.
‘Thanks for being such a great guy,’ I said.
‘You’re not too bad yourself,’ he replied kissing me. Then he added as an afterthought, ‘but of course you’ll have to await the results of my evaluation for my detailed comments.’
I stuck my tongue out at him and he left laughing. I went back into the house and found Julie in the kitchen clearing up after the meal.
‘That went much better than I imagined,’ she said. ‘I always assume that people will go ballistic when they discover about me and either want to thump me or else call the authorities and have me carted away to a psychiatric hospital.’
‘Joe is a great guy, and I believe we can rely upon his discretion, but it may not always be the case, so I think you’ll need to continue to watch your step.’
‘I know,’ she replied sadly, ‘but it is nice to know that there are a few people around who do not regard me as some kind of freak’.
I gave her a re-assuring hug.
‘Nobody who really knows you could think of you as being anything other than a lovely young woman. It is just a question of your having to deal with the prejudices of the ignorant and bigoted. It may seem difficult now, but it will get easier, particularly once you are an adult.’
After dinner Julie returned to her calculations and went to my bedroom I where I drew up a revised version of my evaluation plan. In this case my sister and I would each submit ourselves to the opinions of three others: Joe, Sue and I would evaluate Julie’s looks, her demeanour and personality. Julie would then take my place and the three of them would evaluate mine. Sue would receive the questionnaires, aggregate the scores, and record the comments in such a way that they could not be attributed to any one individual. I printed out the relevant copies for all the participants. I would hand over those for Joe when we met the next night to go to the cinema, and I would find an opportunity to give one to Susie the following day.
Julie was not quite ready for me when I arrived to pick her up after work the following day, so I got to have a brief chat with Susie, out of public earshot. My sister had already told her that we were all going out to the cinema together, and also how Joe had reacted to the discovery. I therefore used the opportunity to outline my revised evaluation plan and hand over the documents.
‘Are you sure you want to inflict this on yourself? It could be really embarrassing. What would you do if you end up scoring lower than your sister?’ commented Susie.
‘In some aspects I would expect to perform less well than her and wouldn’t be ashamed of doing so,’ I replied defiantly. ‘She already knows a lot more about makeup and hair styles than I do, but I would also hope to be able to demonstrate in other respects that there’s a lot more to being a young woman than the clothes you wear and how you do your hair.’
‘Alright, I’ll co-operate, but I hope you know what you’re doing.’
‘There aren’t many people whose opinion I would respect in such a matter, but for some reason I do trust you three to be honest — you never know, I might even learn something about myself.’
‘You might well do so,’ she echoed. ‘When do you want them back.’
‘Julie and I are driving to Nottingham on Monday and should be back Wednesday night. It would be nice to have them back on Thursday.’
Joe’s sister, Clare, turned out to be a typical fourteen year old girl, just beginning to discover the powers that would naturally accrue to her as an attractive young woman. She seemed to have an enthusiasm for young men in general, although, as far as I could gather, she considered most of the specimens that she came into contact with at her school to be lower forms of animal life. She was also quite scathing about most of the adults in her life whilst apparently retaining an affection for, and admiration of, her big brother. For some reason she also seemed to like Julie and myself as well.
Julie, who’d previously had very little contact with girls of her own age, seemed to slip quite easily into ‘teeny talk’ mode. (I suspected that Julian had been furtively observing his female classmates, wishing all the time that he could join in their conversations.) In no time at all they were comparing notes about boy bands and the actors playing Harry Potter and his friends. I squeezed Joe’s hand and gestured with my head to get him to notice their animated conversation. He ostentatiously took a notebook from his pocket and wrote something down.
‘You’d better not do that about me, if you wish to retain the use of both of your testicles,’ I whispered.
He gave me a cheeky grin and then wrote something down on the next page of his book.
I think we all enjoyed the film. I’d rather grown up with the Harry Potter stories and regarded the characters as my contemporaries, it was odd therefore to witness my little sister and her new young friend discussing them in the way that Susie and I used to do. Julie gave me no real cause for concern during the course of the evening, and I didn’t even worry when she and Clare went off to the ‘Ladies’ together.
Joe invited us back to his house for a coffee after the film. I was a little hesitant to do so as I have a horror of being paraded in front of the parents of my boyfriends like some prize heifer. However Joe assured me that his mum and dad were out and would not be back for some time. Clare promptly took Julie up to her room to discuss nail varnish, pop videos or some other equally weighty topic, so I joined Joe on the sofa, and handed over the evaluation.
‘If Julie can survive up there for the next hour without being discovered, I don’t think she will have too many problems in the future,’ commented Joe.
‘So do you think she’ll pass alright then?’
‘I think so,’ he replied. I’m not quite so sure about her sister though,’ he replied smiling, then put his arm round me.
‘Watch it, big boy, or you may just find yourself singing soprano in the choir next Sunday,’ I replied snuggling up to him.
When I came to filling in my copy of Julie’s assessment the following morning I found the task to be quite challenging. I didn’t want to undermine her growing self-assurance, yet at the same time I didn’t want to give her false confidence and so make her reckless. It was a fine balance intended for the time when I would no longer be around to keep an eye on her.
She had certainly created a good impression when we went out the previous day and Joe had confirmed to me by the phone that his sister had made no comment about Julie other than she seemed to be ‘quite cool’. Looking through the criteria there was no doubt that my sister would score quite well across the board, although some of that was due to padding, false hair, or her developing skills with cosmetics. However, she also seemed to be making an effort with her body language and voice, and Susie and I had gently nudged her fashion sense so that there were now fewer incongruities in her presentation than there had been at the outset. No doubt living with me and working in an all female environment was helping in this respect. I really couldn’t think of any area where I would now describe her appearance or presentation as either ‘manly’, or ‘boyish’, although there were a number of girls of my acquaintance where these adjectives might reasonably apply. There were certainly aspects of her presentation that might be described as ‘androgynous,’ but equally this adjective might be applied to myself as well. So why was I being so paranoid about allowing her a little more freedom to go out and meet people as a young woman? I suppose it was that I was really beginning to care about my young sister and didn’t want to think that any harm or unhappiness should befall her after I left.
This realisation brought me back to thinking about my planned departure date which was just over five weeks away. I even wondered whether I might defer entry to University for a year, until after Julie was settled and her financial affairs were sorted. But would I be any happier about leaving her on her own as a seventeen year old than I was about leaving her at sixteen, and what would I say to Mum and Dad? Also the new Government was talking about implementing a steep rise in University tuition fees beginning in 2012, which would wipe out much of my inheritance, and in any event I’d been looking forward to leaving the Thames Valley and going to Uni for the last few years. I may not have liked the idea but told myself that I would just have to harden my heart and leave Julie to fend for her self as best she could. After all, two months ago I’d never even met her and was barely aware that she existed. It was with these sombre reflections that I completed her evaluation as honestly as I could and added a few comments about what aspects of her appearance and presentation struck me as being not quite right or otherwise unusual in a sixteen year old girl, and how she might remedy them, before emailing it to Susie.
I felt pretty depressed and guilty for the rest of that Sunday. Joe was out playing cricket again, Susie was seeing her boyfriend and Julie was busy filling in forms on her computer. I felt so flat that I even thought about driving over to Bracknell to see Mum and Dad although I eventually decided against it. After all, I’d seen them only a fortnight before and didn’t want to have to answer any more questions about our trip to Nottingham on Monday or indeed risk saying anything about our planned week in Thailand at the end of the month.
Chapter 15
Nottingham
It's just over 140 miles from Woodley to Nottingham, on motorways almost all the way, and so the journey takes about three and a half hours including a brief comfort break at a Service Area. Julie and I chatted together quite happily about the film, our respective jobs and the progress of her mother’s probate for the first forty-five minutes or so and she kept an eye open for signposts and motorway exits for me. However, once we were clear of the M25 London orbital motorway and the journey involved driving north on the M1 for a hundred miles, we both lapsed into our own thoughts. I began to realise that I’d soon be taking an important step in my life, from which it would be almost impossible for me to come back. I would be moving away from my family, friends and everything that I was comfortable with, to start a new life in a different part of the country. It would be too far and too expensive for me to travel back to Bracknell more than once a term and at the vacations, so after September I would have to make my own life with new people. From past experience I was fairly confident that I would be alright, and would probably have a good time, but the prospect was a little bit scary all the same.
I glanced across at Julie and noticed that she too was now deep in thought. As usual, she looked very smart with perfect makeup and not a hair out of place, but her usually serene face also looked a little apprehensive. The changes that she was beginning to undergo in her life were far more drastic and far-reaching than those in mine, and she would be facing them without the support of friends or parents. I may get exasperated with my Mum and Dad at times and am not afraid to tell them so, but deep down I know that they will always be there for me, if I should need them. Julie, on the other hand, was truly alone in the world now, and would always be so.
I forced myself to start thinking of something less gloomy, and then smiled to myself as I noticed my beautifully manicured and painted finger nails holding the steering wheel. I hadn’t removed the extensions after a fortnight, as I’d originally intended to do, but had left them in place and was now quite used to having them. I’d even carefully renewed the lacquer on one of the nails after it had been chipped at work. There was no doubt that my attitude to my appearance had changed over the last few weeks and I took more care with my hair and makeup. This was partly because it was expected for my job, but also partly through Julie’s influence, just as Susie and I had been a calming influence on my sister’s fashion sense. I doubted whether this was a permanent change on my part though and assumed I would gradually slip back in to my old comfortable ways once the influence of my work and my sister was no longer present.
We pulled in to Newport Pagnell Services to go to the loo and for a cup of coffee, which was two-thirds of the way to our destination. It was the second week in August, the height of the holiday season and I guess some coaches had pulled up shortly before we did, as there was a long line waiting to use the toilet.
‘Is there always a queue to use ‘the ladies’ in these places?’ whispered my sister to me as we patiently waited our turn for a cubicle.’
‘Welcome to the ‘real world', Julie. I’m afraid that’s something you’re going to have to get used to if you want to join our ranks,’ I whispered in reply, first making sure that nobody else in the queue could overhear me.
She didn’t answer at the time but returned to what I’d said as we drank our coffee.
‘Jen, I hope you understand that my living as Julie is not so much a question of what ‘I want’, as what I ‘need to do’, if I am going to retain my sanity.’
‘In that case queuing for the ladies' toilet is a relatively small price to pay,’ I replied, smiling.
‘Yes, I suppose so.’
‘There are plenty of other disadvantages to being a woman that you will discover in due course, but also many benefits,’ I continued cheerfully.
‘Yes, as I’m beginning to find out, I am so much happier as Julie, but again it is not really a question of advantages and disadvantages, but who I really am. Ever since I’ve become Julie full-time I have known that it was right for me. Julie is who I am, and I could never now be anyone else.’
I smiled and squeezed her hand re-assuringly, not knowing how else to react. There was no question in the mind of my sister as to the direction she wished to take, in spite of all the potential difficulties. I had rarely come across somebody as single minded as she was. But then I tried to imagine myself in her situation. What would I think if I’d been born with a male body and female mind? I couldn’t really conceive what it would be like. I’m happy with who I am, and just hope that Julie will eventually be able to find that peace of mind.
We arrived in Nottingham at lunchtime, far too early to check in to our hotel room and so instead of driving to the city centre we made our way out to the University campus. I’d been shown round one of the University Residences when I came up for the open day, and had seen details of the remainder on the Web. The one I saw wasn’t too bad, and was no doubt selected to show to potential students because it was one of the better examples, but it did contain shared bathrooms and kitchens with no independent cleaners. I knew from experience that these could become pretty squalid. If the worse came to the worse I would just have to live with it, at least for the first year until I met someone whom I could share a flat with, but before I did so I wanted to check out the alternatives.
The list of private student accommodation contained a large number of addresses in Beeston, which was once a separate small town near to Nottingham but has since become engulfed into a suburb. It lay on the far edge of the campus and was clearly the chosen place of residence for many University staff and students. The area looked alright: a nice mix of architecture, a fairly cosmopolitan population, and no obvious signs of gangs, prostitution or drug dealing. We made a few telephone calls and arranged to go and have a look at several of the advertised rooms available that were still available.
The various bedsits that we saw that afternoon weren’t too bad, and were somewhat cheaper than an equivalent room would have been in Reading or Bracknell, but there was nothing that really grabbed me as somewhere I would like to live for the next nine months. There were no signs of any bagpipe players in the houses we visited, although one couldn't really tell from a twenty minute visit. We did, however, meet at least one serial killer - one of the landlords who was really creepy and seemed to be sizing both Julie and I up as we spoke, and who also had small mounds of earth in his back garden. (Julie afterwards said that he was probably just growing a late crop of potatoes, but personally I wasn’t so sure.)
By the time we made our way back into the city centre in the early evening, we’d looked at five possible places, three of which would probably have been alright but none truly inspiring. (I drew the line at the serial killer, not wishing to end up in his potato patch, even though his bedsit was otherwise ok.)
At six p.m. we found our hotel (thanks mainly to Satellite navigation) and checked into our room. Julie promptly unpacked our two cases, hung up the clothes, organised the bathroom and made us both a cup of coffee, before I’d even had a chance to stretch out on my chosen bed for a few minutes recuperation after the long drive.
‘We’d better find ourselves an evening meal,’ I suggested, ‘and then we can perhaps discuss the places we’ve seen so far.’
‘Great,’ she replied. ‘I’ll just need to freshen up my makeup first.’
Nottingham seemed to be quite a lively and interesting city with loads of bars and places to eat, although we had to avoid the former as Julie was under age, even if she tended to look like an eighteen-year old these days. We eventually settled on an Italian restaurant just off Trinity Square.
‘So what do you think I should do Julie?’ I asked.
‘I think I’d probably go for the offer of a place in the Hall of residence for the first year, even if it is more expensive and you do have to put up with a little squalor for a while.’ she said.
‘Really!’
‘I’ll have no choice but to live on my own for the next couple of years, but given the choice I’d always prefer to share with someone else, so long as they accepted me as I am.’
‘It is a pity that you couldn’t come and live in Nottingham, I’d have no problem in sharing with you,’ I replied, feeling a little sad at the prospect of our going our separate ways.
She looked truly surprised by my comment.
‘Do you really mean that?’ she asked.
‘Good heavens yes, I’d be happy to have you as a flatmate anytime, as long as you promise to give up trying to turn me into a ‘girly girl’. You are quiet, tidy, industrious and also good company. I’d also be able to keep an eye on you and make sure you do not fall prey to any fortune hunters.’
‘What's there to stop me from moving to Nottingham and sharing a flat with you?’ she asked tentatively.
‘I don’t know,’ I said beginning to think through the implications of what I had just suggested. ‘I suppose I was wondering what would happen about your house in Woodley, and in any event I thought you had arranged to go back to school in September.’
‘I will be sixteen and won’t have to go back to school if I choose not to. In any event, I could never go back to the same school that Julian used to attend. I’ve been thinking about studying at home by distance learning and perhaps going to a Further Education College once I’d become settled and found a doctor willing to oversee my transition.’
‘And what about the house?’
‘I want to sell it as quickly as possible and move away after the Grant of Probate. Once you’ve left it will be only a matter of time before one of the neighbours begins to wonder who that girl living there really is.’
‘Yes, I think you’re right.’
I could put the house in the hands of an Estate Agent, and perhaps reduce the price a little so that it was a bargain and didn’t take too long to sell.’
‘In that case, Julie my sister, would you like to come to Nottingham with me and share a flat?’
Her face visibly began to light up as I asked.
‘Oh Jenny, there’s nothing I would like more.’
‘It’s odd the neither of us had thought about the possibility before,’ I commented.
‘I’ve thought about the possibility many times over the last few weeks, but didn’t feel I could ask you, as you’ve already been so kind to me.’
‘Really? You’d have saved me an awful lot of worry and feeling guilty over the last few days if you had mentioned it,’ I said taking her hand and laughing.
Once we’d finished our meal we returned to the hotel room and began to make plans, both to start looking for a two-bed-roomed flat to share and also for our longer term future.
‘It depends on how quickly the grant of probate comes through. I’ve done all the calculations and am almost ready for you to submit all the forms to the Probate Office, which we’ll do when we return. If the Revenue and Customs accept my valuations of the house and its contents, and my calculation of the amount of tax payable, then we should hear from them shortly after our return from Thailand,’ she said.
‘We’re going to have to tell my parents about you and our plans to share a flat at some point, when we do so, we could perhaps involve my Dad. He works for a firm of Estate Agents in Bracknell and is often involved in selling empty houses, where the previous occupant has died, or had to go into a nursing home.’
‘How will your parents react when they learn about me?’ asked Julie.
‘Hmm, I’m not sure. My Mum tends to have a very narrow focus about what is ‘appropriate’ in life, and is constantly worried about ‘what the neighbours might say’, but Dad is a bit more broad-minded and easy going. We’ll have to be careful how we break it to Mum, but if we can get Dad on our side first of all he can usually bring her round.’
‘In that case it might be better if he we deferred telling them until after I’m sixteen and have begun taking the hormones,’ said Julie.
‘Yes, you’re probably right.’
Our second day in Nottingham was therefore spent looking at two-bedroomed flats in the vicinity of the University. There were fewer of them available, but generally speaking they worked out as better value from a rental point of view. Most of those we looked at however had one double-bedroom and a second far smaller single and so wouldn’t be ideal for two girls paying an equal share of the costs. We were just leaving the third example, just off Queens Road, when Julie pointed to a block of new flats, only recently completed and with a ‘For Sale’ sign displayed outside.
‘It looks like one of them has been furnished as a ‘show-house, shall we ask to see inside?’
We applied to look at a 2nd floor flat which had recently been completed and decorated. It seemed absolutely designed for us with a large living room, a modern looking fitted kitchen, two double bedrooms both with had fitted wardrobes, and an attractive bathroom. There was access to a garage in an adjoining block. It was also within walking distance of the University campus.
‘What do you think Jenny?’ she asked as we looked around.
‘It would be ideal for the pair of us if only it were available for rent.’
‘It would be £140,000 to buy, property prices here are a lot lower than in Woodley. I would be able to afford to buy it outright once the Probate on my mother’s estate is granted. Then you could rent a room from me,’ suggested Julie.
‘Would they sell a flat to a sixteen year old?’ I asked.
‘I don’t know, but if not they would certainly do so to an eighteen year old. Remember you will be responsible for my finances whilst you are disposing of my mother’s assets. That process can take up to two years. During that period there would be nothing to stop you from buying it on my behalf, using the money in my mother’s account and before we have even sold the house at Woodley.’
‘Is that legal?’
‘Yes, of course! I’ll have to have somewhere to live once I vacate the house at Woodley.’
We went over to the site office and explained to the saleswoman Julie’s situation regarding probate and our wish to move to the flat in about four or five weeks. The summer of 2010 had been a particularly slow time for new house sales and there were several flats nearing completion all of which were then unsold. As a result the company bent over backwards to be accommodating to us. After various questions and assurances regarding our current and future financial position, and my own and Julie’s legal status, and a phone call to Head Office, they came up with a proposition. If we left a 10% deposit (which we could easily afford) they would rent a new flat to us on an ‘Assured Short-hold Tenancy’* for the duration of the academic year at £750 per month (somewhat more than we’d originally planned). As long as our proposed purchase was completed within six months of our moving in, the rent we had paid and the deposit would count towards the purchase price. If we were unable to complete the purchase within that time we would still have the tenancy until the following June. We came away from the flat with various brochures, promising to let them have our decision the following morning. For the rest of the day and that evening we drove around the area, looking at such things as local shops and amenities, bus routes etc to ensure that it was the sort of place we would wish to live.
‘So what do you think Julie?’
‘I’ve always intended to find somewhere to live and make a fresh start as Julie, where there was no danger that I would one day run into someone who knew Julian or my parents. I think this could be just the place and it’ll be an extra bonus to share a flat with my sister. Let us go back and have another look at the flat tomorrow, and if we are both still happy with the idea we’ll go ahead with the purchase.’
‘That sounds fine by me,’ I replied.
Shortly after lunch on the Wednesday we began our car journey back to Woodley, having found somewhere for us both to live and begun the process that would enable us to move in to a new flat in time for the start of my University Term.
‘That’s a relief to know I’ll have somewhere nice to live and I won’t be on my own,’ I said as we began the drive back to Woodley.’
‘Things are really working out well for me, as well. It’s just now a question of collecting my female hormones from Thailand and then I can forget that Julian ever existed,’ said Julie happily.
‘Be careful not to get over-confident, there are still things which could go wrong. Someone may recognise you, or Probate may be delayed. Also I still have to break the news that we are intending to go on holiday together to my parents over the next few days.’
‘We are also due to have the results of our girlyness tests tomorrow,’ said Julie.
‘Yes, I’d forgotten all about them.’
* Assured Short-hold Tenancy is an form of Assured tenancy with limited security of tenure often used by students wishing to rent a property for a short period.
Chapter 16
The results
We’d arranged with Susie that she would come over to Woodley on Thursday evening, so that she could present us with the findings of our ‘girlyness’ tests. I was also looking forward to breaking the news to her about our new flat, but had reckoned without my pesky little sister who was unable to restrain her enthusiasm and blurted it out to her at work. However, I suppose it was Julie’s money that was enabling us to move in to somewhere so nice, and I did get to tell Joe, so I couldn’t really complain. I also rang mum to confirm that I’d found somewhere affordable to live and would not now need to resort to selling my body on the streets of Nottingham, but I didn’t give too many details on the phone, promising to come over and see them later in the week instead.
Susie came back to Woodley with us after work and we proceeded to show her the brochures and tell her about the new flat and the neighbourhood. Joe had also promised to call round later in the evening, He arrived at about 8.00 pm and so we all sat down together to discuss the results.
Susie opened the proceedings. ‘Let’s begin with you Julie, as it was for your benefit that the test was designed. Between the three of us we have awarded you a score of 74%, which, given the circumstances is very good. It is also quite remarkable that we all tended to agree with one another in our assessment.’
‘Thank you,’ said Julie, looking both embarrassed and happy at the same time,
‘You’re already quite fortunate in terms of your height and weight, which are about average for a girl of your age, also your neck, shoulders, hands and feet have not grown as they would have done in a young man after puberty,’ continued Sue. ‘No doubt this is due to the pills you have been taking over the last couple of years. As you realise, your overall body shape is still rather boyish and you have to rely on padding to pass successfully as a young woman, but no doubt this will improve once you start taking oestrogen.’
‘I know,’ said Julie continuing smile shyly. ‘I can’t wait until my birthday comes and I can begin to take hormones, it’ll be the best birthday present I’ve ever had.’
Joe looked a little bemused at this and raised his eyebrows when looking at me, but didn’t say anything.
‘If my boobs haven’t grown to a decent size by the time I’m eighteen, I intend to have a boob job,’ she continued.
‘Let’s cross one bridge at a time,’ I added trying to curb her enthusiasm.
‘You’ve also scored highly with your hair and fingernails, but of course you have had them both done by an expert,’ Sue continued, pausing briefly to give us the opportunity to make disparaging comments about her, which we did. ‘Likewise you have scored highly in your use of cosmetics, which is no doubt due to the experience you’ve gained working in the salon over the last couple of weeks.’
‘Yes, it has been great fun,’ added Julie enthusiastically.
‘But we all feel that you should pay more attention to your dress sense.’
‘Oh!’ she said in a surprised voice.
‘It is not that you look like a man or anything like that, but sometimes your choice is simply too ‘girly’ for the occasion and so you stand out a little. There will be times when you want to stand out from the crowd and have everyone’s eyes on you, but on other occasions you should aim to look like a smart, businesslike or demure young lady rather than an aspiring beauty queen.’
‘Yes, I know,’ she answered sighing, ‘Jenny’s always telling me as much. But after all those years of having to wear horrible boys’ clothes, it has been nice to be able to wear something pretty over the last few weeks.’
‘We’re not suggesting that you start wearing sackcloth or drab clothes all the time, but just get the balance right between the girly, the practical, and the comfortable.’ I added.
‘I do find girly clothes comfortable to wear, because they make me feel good. But I do take your point and will try and tone things down a little in future.
‘I’m sure this will come to you quite naturally as you gain more experience living as Julie and interacting with people, and especially once the novelty of living as a girl has worn off,’ added Sue.
‘I hope it never wears off, but see, Jenny, it is important for me to get out more as Julie and not be stuck round the house all day,’ she said to me.
‘I take your point, but let’s see how you got on under the other headings,’ I replied.
‘Your voice has never broken and so you do not have any problems with your voice pitch and timbre, but of course this is only one aspect of speech and conversation. You’ll need to think about your use of vocabulary and general conversational style. Again it is probably just a question of a little more practice, and listening to the conversation of other girls of your age.’
Julie shot a smug glance in my direction, as if to say ‘I told you so!’
Susie looked again at the pile of papers in her hand.
‘In terms of your posture, gait and general body language, we found nothing that might give you away, but areas where you might look carefully at other young women.’
‘Julie got on fine with my sister last week and didn’t give herself away. Perhaps I could ask Clare if Julie could like to go out with her and her friends sometime, as they all live over the other side of Reading and would be unlikely ever to have met Julian.’
‘Oh yes please,’ said Julie. ‘I enjoyed talking to your sister. I’ve found helping out in the salon to be so useful, but of course I only get to meet older women there. That’s why I am keen to get out more so that I can also interact with guys as well.’
‘I think you are still a bit too young, and your life is a bit too complicated as it is to be worrying about guys,’ I answered primly, realising that it sounded a bit pompous and indeed a little hypocritical given some of the things I used to get up to as a fifteen year old. But there was still the issue of what would happen if the neighbours, and then the authorities should discover about her lifestyle whilst she was still a minor.
‘In the past you’ve never gave me any clue that you were anything other than a normal genetic girl,’ added Joe. ‘Even since I’ve known, and have been watching you more carefully, I find it impossible to think of you as anything else. No doubt there’ll come a time when you will meet someone and want to form a closer relationship. When that happens, you’ll have to ‘play it by ear’, but will probably know instinctively how to behave.’
‘I hope so, but I feel so frustrated. I feel as if I have been kept in a cage for the last fifteen years and I can’t wait to be set free to live my own life as a woman.’
‘You could be free to be your own woman at any time after your sixteenth birthday, but I rather got the impression that you wanted my help and companionship,’ I added.
‘Don’t get me wrong Jenny, I am so grateful for everything you have done for me over the last few weeks and there is nothing I want more than to share a flat with you, but I want to do so as an equal, not some embarrassing relation who needs to be kept hidden away at home.
‘If you’ll only follow my advice and not go out on your own for the next couple of weeks, whilst we are still living at Woodley, I promise you’ll have much more freedom when we both move to Nottingham and I am at University. Also, if Joe’s sister is prepared to have you meet up with her friends sometimes that will also be alright with me.’
‘I suppose what we are saying is that you are doing very well indeed with your transition, but you are not there yet and need more practice,’ said Sue, handing over the questionnaires to Julie. ‘There are still dangers because of your youth and legal situation, but these are only temporary ones. I am sure all will be alright for you in the end, just be a little more patient.
‘I suppose you are right, and I do understand that you have my safety and well-being at heart. Thank you everybody for your advice,’ said Julie.
I went over to give her a hug.
‘Now how did Jenny get on?’
Susie seemed a little sheepish, and I could just foresee what was about to happen.
‘Are you sure you want to know Jen?’
‘Yes, quite sure. If you don’t tell me I’ll only assume that you all think I am some kind of monster’
‘Well I should begin by saying that you did agree to put yourself through this, and also designed the questions for Julie’s benefit.’
‘I know. Go on.’
‘Jen we all think you’re a lovely person, a great friend and a lot of fun to know. We also think that you’re much better looking than you give yourself credit for, and so have scored very highly in all those aspects relating to your body shape etc. However, we all feel that you sometimes fail to make the best of yourself. It has been noticeable how much better you have looked since you started working in Bentalls and begun to use a little more makeup.’
Julie gave me one of her ‘I told you so’ looks and I couldn’t help from blushing. I’d really let myself in for that one.
‘If only you would just grow your hair and not be so frightened of wearing dresses from time to time you would look really great. This pre-occupation with Jeans and tops all the time is not always appropriate. In many ways you’re the opposite of Julie in terms of your dress sense, it is almost as if you are frightened of being a girl.’
‘Et tu Susie,’ I thought, remembering my Julius Caesar.
However, as I said, things have been improving recently and you and your sister do seem to be having a good influence on one another.’
‘You all think that?’ I asked
‘Yes I’m afraid so.’
I sighed.
‘The one area where we disagreed is in terms of the way you present yourself to the world and so we have agreed to tell you individually I’ve known you for much longer than the others, and you’ve always been good fun to have as a friend, and loyal, but you did gain this reputation at school for being a bit of a tomboy and a tearaway.’
‘You mean I was the one who always got caught, whereas you, little Miss Goody Two Shoes, would stand by looking innocent.’
‘Well maybe that’s one aspect of being a girl that you have never quite mastered, knowing when to curb your tongue and act as if butter wouldn’t melt in your mouth. I love having you as a friend and will miss you very much when you go to University, but you’ve never exactly been a girly girl.'
I knew she was probably right, and six weeks ago I would have been happy to admit it, but now I wasn’t quite so sure.
‘You’ve always been kind and considerate to me, in fact an ideal big sister. ‘I don’t know how I would have coped without you,’ added Julie, ‘even if you do have a sharp tongue at times.
‘You don’t know half of what I might have said to you, but just managed to stop mself,’ I thought to myself.
‘Thank you,’ I replied, thankful for small mercies.
‘The trouble with your questionnaire was that there was nowhere for me to say that you were a lovely sexy girlfriend, whom I’ll miss so much when we both go to different universities,’ said Joe in order to soften the blow.
‘And my bruises have healed,’ he added as an afterthought.
‘You’d better tell me how much I scored,’ I said to Sue.
‘You scored 69, but it was your choice of criteria and there is so much more to being a woman than the superficial things you asked us to assess, and you could easily have scored more with minor changes to your dress and your hair, so please don’t shoot the messenger,’ added Susie.
‘No matter what I do and how hard I try I’ll never be able to be as much a woman as you are. I’ll never be able to have a baby,’ added Julie sadly.
‘It seems I’m the one who shouldn’t be allowed out on my own.’ I replied.
I let them all think I was more upset than I actually was so that everyone would go out of their way to be nice to me for the rest of the evening, but in the end I made it clear that I had no hard feelings. I’d laid the trap and then fallen in to it myself and had to accept the consequences. However, what was said that evening did cause me to spend several sleepless hours trying to work out exactly who I was and who I wanted to be, over the next few nights. Something I’d never had cause to think about before. I’d just accepted myself and never cared what other people thought.
I drove over to have dinner with Mum and Dad on Sunday as I needed to tell them about our planned trip to Thailand on the 25th August. I couldn’t delay telling them much longer as Susie’s mother now knew she was going and there was always a chance she might run into my mother in Bracknell some time. I went out of my way to give a good impression, and even allowed Julie to give me advice on what to wear. I also took with me the details of my present to them to both to mark my good fortune - a luxury weekend in Paris via the Eurostar rail service, which I knew Dad would appreciate. I also had two small presents that I’d bought for them in Nottingham — a piece of lace for Mum and a book about the local Railways for Dad (what is it with middle-aged men and trains?)
All went well, I was complimented on my appearance, and my various gifts were received graciously. We even sat down to a meal together and chatted happily just as we used to do years ago. It was obviously the right time to bring up about our proposed trip.
‘By the way Julian’s parents had booked to take him on holiday to Thailand at the end of the month. The hotel and flights are paid for so Susie and I will be taking their place.’
There was neither the explosion of anger nor the flat refusal to let me go that I was expecting, merely the warning that we should all be careful out there.
‘I trust Susie to keep an eye on you and make sure that you don’t do anything silly.’
Thanks a lot for that vote of confidence Mum.’
‘And I trust you, Jen, to keep an eye on Julian; remember he is a minor and so will be your responsibility,’ added Dad.
That was just about as good a result as I might have expected and so I decided to let them know our plans to share a flat in Nottingham, although did not feel it was the right time to explain that it would be with my half-sister rather than my half brother. Our plans were met with some surprise, but I quickly explained the various advantages — that I would get to live somewhere nice, affordable and convenient for the University, and that I would get to keep an eye on Julian.
‘I hope you’ll also be a calming influence on one another,’ added Dad, but didn't raise any major objections.
‘But is it wise for you to be sharing a flat with a young man?’ asked Mum.
‘What is it with this obsession she has that I’ll want to sleep with my brother at any opportunity? Exactly what does she think I am?’
However, I did my best to restrain my natural sense of indignation.
‘Mum, it’ll be fine. I’ve known Julian for several weeks and trust him with my honour.’
‘Yes, but he may have friends round to stay.’
‘In that case I’ll lock my bedroom door.’
‘I’m sure that Jenny is old enough to look after herself now and is likely to meet far worse dangers than her half-brother and his friends,’ added Dad.
‘That may be so, but I’ll want to have a long talk to you both before you go,’ said Mum.
‘Alright but let it wait until after we come back from Thailand, as things are rather hectic at the moment.’
You’ll have a surprise in store when it comes to that interview.
Chapter 17
Holiday time
Those last two weeks of August before we left for Thailand were a busy time for all of us. Both Julie and I continued to work part-time and Joe had a full-time Job. By an awkward co-incidence, he had arranged to go away with some friends for the fortnight which began on 4th September, the day we were due to return from Thailand. He and I would therefore have only one more week together after his return, during which we would both be preparing to go to our respective Universities. I think we both realised that the next fortnight would be our final time together, and that we should make the most of it. No doubt we would promise one another to stay in touch, and would also probably arrange to come back to visit our respective parents at the same time so we could meet up, but I think we also both aware that such a long distance relationship was never going to work, and before Christmas we’d both have forged new lives.
Joe didn’t forget his promise to Julie, however. We were both invited to have dinner with his parents and his sister. (I only agreed to go as he’d assured me that his parents knew perfectly well that I was not a potential daughter-in-law.) After the meal Julie disappeared with Clare up to her bedroom and that was the last we saw of them for the rest of the evening. The following evening Joe brought his sister over to Woodley with him when he came. After that Julie spent much of her free time in the company of Clare and her school friends, and seemed to be a lot happier to be experiencing life as an ordinary fifteen year old girl. She assured me that neither Clare nor any of her friends acted as if they suspected anything unusual about her, and she seemed to be losing those last lingering traces of boyishness that we’d pointed out to her.
Julie now had more free time when she was not helping at the salon as she’d finished all the paperwork relating to her mother’s probate before we left for Nottingham, so I signed and sent off the various forms as soon as we returned. It was now just a question of our waiting for a response from the authorities, which we expected to receive at roughly the same time that we were due back from holiday. I included a letter with our application stating our intention of moving to Nottinghamshire in late September and asking, if possible, to have a Probate interview before I left. There were a few other bureaucratic things to be done, however, notably a letter to her school from me, explaining that ‘Julian’ would not be returning next term but would be joining me in Nottingham where ‘he’ would resume his education.
Julie, Sue and I did have one opportunity to go shopping together in Reading though, to get ourselves some clothes for our holiday. Julie had inherited quite a few nice things from her mother including some rather stylish sun glasses, but she was increasingly beginning to get the feel of what clothes were right for her to wear and wanted to buy some new things of her own. She also used the opportunity to try on a number of different outfits and ask us what we thought. In the end we bought a couple of sun dresses each, and Julie and I jointly invested in some sun block and insect repellent.
‘You’ll soon have to decide what you’re going to wear for the journey as you’re going to have to travel dressed as a guy,’ I said as we were queuing to pay for them.
Julie sighed and looked as if I was reminding her of something she’d far rather forget, and it was a few seconds before she answered.
‘Mum had some jeans, a denim shirt and some trainers that will fit me. They all look fairly androgynous;’ I thought I might wear those.’
‘Couldn’t you wear some of Julian’s clothes that have been sitting untouched in your old wardrobe?’ I asked.
‘I could, but I don’t really want to if I can avoid it. I feel that Julian is now in the past and don’t really wish to be reminded of that time.’
‘You can’t really avoid doing so, remember that your ticket and passport show a young man named Julian, and so you will need to make some effort to look like him,’ I commented.
‘I know, and I suppose I’ll have to lose my extensions as well,’ she answered sadly. ‘But it will only be as I pass through the passport control. I intend to spend the rest of my time there as Julie, so I’ll have to take Mum’s wig with me as well.’
‘I’ve been thinking about that, and was also talking to one of my clients, who has recently come back from a holiday in Thailand,’ said Susie. ‘It would be a shame to lose your nice hair and finger nails and I think we ought to be able to get you there dressed as Julie, at least. It may be a little more complicated to get you back into the UK as her though.’
‘That would be something,’ said Julie, suddenly cheering up. ‘I really want to look my best when I go for my appointment at the clinic.’
‘You’d better explain what is on your mind,’ I said cautiously.
‘I think you should dress androgynously without jewelry or makeup, just in case anyone decides to looks carefully, and in any event it will be more practical. But I don’t see why we can’t just tie your hair back in a ponytail. The only times your passport will be examined on the way out is when you check in and when you pass through the Passport Control at Bangkok. These days we can all check in online and print off our boarding passes. Once we’ve done so you can disappear to ‘the Ladies’ whilst Susie and I drop off our luggage, taking Julian’s passport with us. The airline staff are only concerned that the name on the boarding card and that on the passport are the same, at that stage.’
‘But won’t we also have to go through Security at Heathrow as well?’ I asked.
‘Yes, but they do not check passports at that stage. As long as we are sure that she is not carrying any forbidden or metallic items, Julie should be able to pass through the scanner without being stopped or searched individually.’
‘Alright, but what about when we get to Bangkok?’ asked Julie.
‘I’m told that the immigration officers there are only interested in two things: that you have a passport which is valid for the duration of your stay and that you have a return plane ticket. More often than not they do not even glance at the photograph. If they do look carefully then all they would see would be a rather effeminate young man, which is no big deal in Thailand. The authorities in there are much more used to dealing with young ‘katoey’ or ‘ladyboys’ than they are in this country.’
‘Well that would be far preferable to having to arrive at the hotel looking like a boy,’ she said with some distaste, but what is different about the return journey?’
‘The main difficulty on the return journey will be at the Immigration Control at Heathrow. The officers are required to compare the face in front of them with that on the passport and they are bound to notice. But you are not pretending to be someone else, or trying to gain illegal entry to the country. You’d just be a young boy who’d decided to let his hair and nails grow like a girl — so what? The worst they could do is to ask you a few more questions.’
‘What do you think Jen?’ asked Julie.
‘I suppose we could give it a try on the outward journey, and then decide what you do on the return on the basis of how you get on.’
Julie gave us both another of her lovely smiles, that any other time would have brightened up the day and warmed our hearts, but by this time we’d left the shop and were sweltering in the midday sunshine of a mini August heat wave.
Dad rang me at the weekend and offered to drive us to the airport the following week. That was really sweet of him as he normally worked on Saturdays, and so would have had to alter his work routine to do so. Any other time I’d have been happy to accept his offer, but I’d already agreed with Julie that she could travel en femme or at least en androgynie (if there is such a phrase), and so I preferred to avoid awkward explanations at this stage. There would be plenty of time for those later on, by which time Julie would at least be sixteen and could, theoretically at least, live as she wished.
‘Thanks Dad, but there’ll be three of us and all our luggage, so that will be a bit too much for your car.’
‘It’ll probably be ok, if you don’t mind squashing up together,’ he continued.
‘No, honestly, Julie only lives a quarter of a mile from Earley station and …’
‘Julie?’ he interrupted in a puzzled voice.
‘Sorry! It’s just my pet name for my little half-brother. ‘
‘I know he’s not very well developed for his age, but you shouldn’t take the Mickey out of him,’ said Dad.
‘I don’t as a rule — at least not to his face.’
‘Hmm’, said Dad with a note of disapproval.
‘From Earley we can get a train to Feltham, picking up Susie at Bracknell along the way,’ I replied, quickly reverting back to my previous subject. ‘There’s a frequent bus service from Feltham station to all the Heathrow Terminals. It’s one of the few recompenses for having to live where we do, that you can get to Heathrow relatively easily and cheaply’.
‘Alright then, if you’re sure you don’t need me.’
‘But thanks for the offer, and thanks also for sticking up for me in front of Mum last week.’
‘That’s what Dads are for,’ he replied. ‘But don’t be too hard on your Mum: she may be sharp-tongued and a little rigid in her views but she usually comes round in the end, and underneath she does care about you.’
‘I realise that,’ I replied.
I just hope that I don’t end up like her,’ I thought as I cancelled the call.
I was just beginning to think about what clothes I was going to take with me on holiday, when Julie and Clare came to my room, with an entreating look on their faces that immediately put me on my guard.
‘Our friend Rachel is going to a disco organised by her local youth club in Caversham on Friday, we would like to go as well if possible,’ said Julie.
(Caversham is another suburb to Reading, just to the north of the River Thames.)
‘It’ll be for Clare’s parents to decide whether she can go or not, but Julie you’ll have to pack as we leave for the airport early the next morning.’
‘I can do my packing tomorrow. Clare’s parents have given her permission to go, but are unable to give her a lift there so we were hoping that you and Joe might be able to give us a lift instead.’
The plan did have its attractions for me. I would welcome the opportunity to have a long goodbye with Joe on Friday evening.
‘How will you get home afterwards?’ I asked.
‘It’s ok, Rachel’s dad has promised to drive us all home afterwards.’
‘Will there be any boys there?’
‘Well it isn’t being organised by a Nunnery!’ she replied petulantly.
I was about to tell her off for being cheeky, when I remembered several similar conversations I’d had with my Mum a few years ago, and also what I’d thought after my conversation with Dad the previous weekend.’
‘Alright then, but take you mobile phone in case Rachel’s Dad doesn’t turn up and please take care. Remember you’re still only fifteen, and we will be leaving for holiday the following morning.’
I should have liked to add that it would be a disaster for her secret to be discovered at this late stage, but couldn’t do so as she was in company with Clare at the time.
‘Don’t worry, I’ll be careful,’ she said, turning to Clare and rolling her eyes significantly before they both disappeared back to her bedroom.
I did my best not to smile at how quickly she’d acquired the mannerisms of a ‘young madam’, as my mother used to describe it. Although she was very much enjoying her life as a teenage girl, I think that deep down Julie was still quite sensible and aware of the potential difficulties of her present situation and just how much she could risk things.
In the event there were no problems with the scheme. Both Julie and I did our packing on Thursday as arranged. Joe and I delivered Julie and Clare to her disco, and her friend’s father took them back to their respective homes at the agreed time. In the meanwhile Joe and I had a very good evening together - but that’s another story.
‘I hate having to dress like this,’ she said with some feeling.
‘You wouldn’t want to be wearing tights and high heels after you’d been travelling on a plane for eleven and a half hours.’
‘I suppose not,’ she replied reluctantly, ‘but I still object to having to look like a guy. As soon as I get home I’m going to burn all Julian’s hateful clothes,’ she said.
‘But you’re not wearing any of Julian’s clothes.’
‘No but I still object to having to dress like this.’
‘Believe me Julie, nobody looking at you now would think that of you as anything other than a girl, I just hope that the authorities let you in the country looking as you do.’
‘So do I.’
‘Now have you got your passport, air ticket, money,’ I said echoing my mother as we used to leave for our holiday.’
My sister confirmed that she had each of these items, and I double checked that I did as well, and we set off. We each had one cabin bag, plus one shared suitcase on wheels which we took turns to push. Fortunately there were no neighbours around as we were leaving the house.
Susie and her mother were waiting for our train on the platform at Bracknell. She joined us in our compartment and her mother waved us off. Just over an hour and a half later we were in the Departures Hall of Terminal 3 at Heathrow in possession of our boarding cards. Susie was right, the Thai Airlines check-in clerk was only really concerned that the passports corresponded with the boarding cards, and that we had not exceeded the baggage allowance.
‘Does the young man travelling with you have any check-in luggage?’ she asked.
‘No, he’s sharing a case with me. He’ll only be taking this cabin-bag,’ I said, pointing to one that was well within the specified size.
That was it. She confirmed the boarding details, and we re-joined Julie who had been waiting for us out of sight. We were now free to proceed to Security. Before doing so, we double checked with one another that nobody was carrying anything forbidden or likely to set off a metal detector, and then passed through without a hitch. There was however one unforeseen problem immediately before boarding, when they did a second check of boarding cards and passports. The assistant concerned did a slight double-take when he saw Julie’s passport, but didn’t say anything and we were allowed to proceed without further ado.
I’m still a relative newcomer to air travel and so found the flight to be quite exciting, especially as I had the window seat. Susie and Julie on the other hand were far more seasoned travellers and so professed themselves to be bored and spent their time watching girly films or else reading the in-flight shopping magazine.
It was 6 o’clock in the morning when we landed at the Suvarnabhumi International Airport, about 16 miles from Bangkok, and within half an hour we were queuing at Immigration Control. Once again Susie was right, the Immigration Officer didn’t even look at our faces, merely checked our passports and entered our details on to a database. Soon afterwards we had retrieved our cases and passed through customs.
‘Well that was an anti-climax,’ commented Susie, as we were making our way through the Arrivals Hall to the new Airport Rail Link.
‘Thanks heavens it’s over,’ said Julie. ‘Now if you don’t mind I’d like go to the ladies to put my boobs back in and also do something with my hair.’
‘I think we could probably all do with a ‘freshen up’,’ said Susie.
‘At last, I feel like a real person again,’ she announced.
Chapter 18
The clinic
By chance, we’d arrived at Suvarnabhumi Airport one week after the opening of a new rail link to the City Air Terminal in Downtown Bangkok, which was close to both our hotel and the Pratunam Polyclinic”Ž where Julie was due to have her appointment the following day. Thus by 8.00am we’d checked in to our Hotel, but our room would not be available until midday. We therefore deposited our luggage in their store-room and went to do some sightseeing for a few hours.
The one thing I hadn’t fully anticipated was the mid-morning heat - rather like trying to walk around in an oven. So it was not too long before we were sitting in the shade with cool drinks.
‘So what are we going to do tomorrow?’ asked Sue.
‘You two could take a river boat trip or go to the Grand Palace, whilst I go to the clinic, if you like,’ suggested Julie. ‘Then we could meet up as soon as I’m finished.’
‘If it’s all the same to you Sue, I think I should like to accompany my sister to the clinic tomorrow morning, but we’ll have the afternoon and the rest of the week together.’
‘I don’t mind, that is what she came all this way for, after all. I’ll visit the Palace whilst you are both at the clinic, and then we could take the boat trip together afterwards, and you can tell me what happened.’
Julie looked surprised by my suggestion that I should accompany her but did not appear to mind; in fact I suspect she was quite glad to have someone to go with her.
‘Alright and then we can take a bus out to the beach at Pattaya on Tuesday,’ she said.
The Polyclinic in Makkasan was a clean modern looking building. The reception room contained about a dozen animated young women who all seemed to be discussing plastic surgery procedures with various receptionists and attendants in white coats. Most of them appeared to be petite and attractive Thai girls, but Julie explained that the majority were in fact katoey who had started their lives as boys, and had been taking hormones and testosterone blockers from a very young age. There were also a couple of western transwomen in the waiting room and it was noticeable that these were somewhat older, taller and retained more masculine physical traits than their Asian sisters.
‘Julie Robertson, I have an appointment with a Doctor Wirun Phuvanatnaranubala,’ said Julie to one of the receptionists, with admirable fluency.
Where on earth do they get these names from? I wondered to myself.
‘Ah yes, Miss Robertson. Before you see the doctor I should just like to take your blood pressure, and also have you brought a sample of your urine?’ said the receptionist.
Julie handed over her sample and allowed her blood pressure to be taken, and we sat down to wait to be called. As we did so various other clients came and went.
‘I’d no idea it would be as busy as this,’ I commented.
‘Gender re-assignment has become a multi-million dollar industry in Thailand, and each year the demand continues to grow.’
‘Wow! I'd no idea. Why is that?’
‘Because it's relatively cheap here whilst the standards of care are at least as good and frequently better than in hospitals overseas. Transgenders are not regarded as freaks or mentally ill here. The medical staff do not put artificial obstacles in the way to force their patients to wait for years for their operations whilst all the time their bodies are changing and making the process more difficult. Also the surgeons tend to be more experienced here. Doctor Phuvanatnaranubala conducts five operations each week, and has specialized in the field of sex reassignment surgery for 25 years,’ she replied.
Five minutes later we were called in to the consulting room, by a middle-aged Doctor who acknowledged us both with the traditional Thai greeting of a slight bow, with the palms pressed together in a prayer-like fashion. He spoke fluent English with an educated accent.
‘Good morning Miss Robertson, I am pleased to see you once again,’ he said to Julie whilst consulting her notes.’ May I enquire who the young lady is with you?’
‘This is my elder sister Jennifer who is responsible for me as both of my parents have passed away since we last met,’ she replied.
‘I am sorry to hear that,’ he replied in a matter of fact manner and then returned to examining her notes. ‘I see that you have been taking the anti-androgens since we last met. They appear to have successfully done their job. Have there been any adverse side effects?’
‘Not really, my penis has shrunk in size, but I do not regard this as an adverse side effect, it just means I can tuck it away more easily,’ replied Julie.
‘So you are still determined to proceed with gender re-assignment.’
‘I would have the operation tomorrow if I could,’ she said blushing slightly.
‘Hang on a minute Julie, don’t get carried away,’ I thought.
Doctor Phuvanatnaranubala also smiled.
‘Unfortunately the regulations in Thailand have changed during the last year and we are no longer able to offer the operation to patients under eighteen. However, if you are sure it is the right course of action for you, and you have the support of your family, there is no reason why you should not start to take oestrogen to help develop more feminine physical characteristics. Your body is ready to undergo puberty and it would be unwise to delay it any further,’ he said.
‘Jenny is my only surviving family and she has been very supportive of my decision to become a woman; that is why she is here today.’
‘When do you recommend that my sister begins to take the hormones?’ I asked.
‘I would say as soon as possible. Today, if you wish; we can supply you with everything you need in the pharmacy downstairs. However, you must understand that because of your age and the suppression of your natural puberty, the changes to your body will probably begin to take effect quite quickly and will be irrevocable.’
Julie looked at me expectantly. Before we’d left I’d made her promise that she would not take any hormones until she was sixteen, but there seemed to be no point in making her wait for one more week.
‘My sister must do whatever she feels is right for her. I will support her decision,’ I replied.
‘Thank you Jen. I realise the implications of what I am proposing to do but am certain that I wish to proceed as soon as I can.’
Doctor Phuvanatnaranubala wrote down something on a form, which he handed to Julie.
‘I will give you an injection straight away which will get the process started. Take this form to the pharmacy, and from tomorrow onwards you should place one of the tablets under your tongue each lunch-time, and spread the gel thinly over one arm each morning and the other one each night. That will provide you with a steady low dosage of the hormone and so should avoid complications. I will prescribe for you sufficient to last you for two years, but you must understand that exceeding the prescribed dose will not speed up the process of feminization and could be dangerous.’
‘I understand,’ said Julie. ‘I have waited this long and will be able to take my time as long as I can see that I am making progress towards my goal.’
‘Good. I hope to see you back in the summer of 2012 to complete the process.’
‘Will she be allowed to take the hormones back to the UK?’ I asked.
‘These are drugs which have been approved for use in the UK, although you would not be able to go out and buy them there without a medical prescription. My understanding of the law is that it will not be illegal for you to import them if they are for your own use, but I am not a lawyer and so you must be responsible. I will provide you with a letter confirming that they have been prescribed to you, but you must decide how you will take them back to the UK.
‘When will I begin to notice any changes as a result of taking the hormones?’ asked Julie.
‘I cannot say with certainty, but I suspect it may be quite soon in your case. Do not become alarmed if you experience sudden mood swings, feelings of tearfulness or depression at first. These are a precursor to the physical changes in your body. Such feelings are not unusual whilst your body adjusts to the new levels of oestrogen in your blood, and should disappear after a week or two. Now are you ready to have your first hormone injection?’
Julie looked a little apprehensive, but on the other hand there was no doubt that she wanted to go ahead.
‘Yes please.’
‘Good luck,’ I said.
‘Thanks, there’ll be no going back now.’
Just over an hour later we came away from the Polyclinic armed with 750 tablets and 25 jars of gel, having spent an arm and a leg. Thereafter she followed the routine of spreading the hormone gel on each arm once a day, and taking a tablet at lunchtime.
The rest of the week was a typical holiday for three teenage girls without the impediment of having their parents to hand. We went out to the beach at Pattaya where we ran into a group of lads from Lancashire. A certain amount of flirting went on, but we didn’t let things go too far, for Julie’s sake. She was still a little diffident and shy in dealing with older guys, but was anxious to learn how it’s done, and I’ve no doubt that she’ll soon have them twisted round her little finger.
We also spent a couple of days sightseeing around Bangkok and clubbing in the evenings, and also spent a day sunbathing on the beautiful sandy beach at Cha-Am, which was a lot quieter and a bit more refined than Pattaya. On our last free evening we went to the Calypso Cabaret at the Asia Hotel which was an extravagant Broadway-style lady-boy show.
‘What did you think of them?’ Julie asked me as we were leaving the show.
‘They were certainly beautiful and quite talented, but I wouldn’t want to spend my life performing twice a night in front of lecherous Japanese tourists,’ I replied.
‘Me neither, but at least that way they can live as women. There’s nothing worse than being forced to live as a man when it is against your nature,’ said Julie.
‘Were you really ‘forced’ to live as a man?’ asked Sue.
‘Perhaps not physically so, but it takes a lot of determination to go against everyone’s expectations of you and then find medical and psychological help to live as you feel you should. I really feel that the British doctors let me down at the time when I most needed them — that’s why we came to Thailand.’
‘Well you’ve now got what you came for,’ I added.
‘Yes, and I’m really grateful for the support given me by you and Susie, I don’t know what I would have done without you.’
‘You can save your thanks until after we get you and your pills safely back into the country tomorrow.’
The Thai Airways flight flew out of Bangkok at 12.25 and so we had to check out of the hotel by 8.30am the next morning to allow us sufficient time to go through the security procedures. We all dressed fairly androgynously with jeans, crop tops and a minimum of makeup. Sue and I wore sandals but Julie wore her mother’s trainers and a pair of white socks as she did not want to go to the trouble of removing the nail varnish from her toes. Instead of tying her hair back in a ponytail she collected her hair under a baseball cap. Nevertheless she still did not now look remotely like a young man.
There were no problems for ourselves or our luggage at the airport. We were not overweight and no alarms were set off by our check-in luggage or our cabin bags. As soon as we were on the plane and our cabin bags stowed in the lockers Julie took off her cap and throughout the flight the attendants addressed us all as ‘madam’. Once we’d had a meal and watched a film, Susie and I fell asleep. I awoke when they announced that we would shortly be beginning the descent into Heathrow. I noticed that Julie had put on the hormone gel on to her arm and was now just finishing painting her fingernails.
‘Is that wise? Couldn’t it have waited until we were through passport control?’ I asked.
‘I wonder whether we’ve been making too much of the potential difficulty of my travelling as a woman,’ she replied.
‘Well, it is up to you, but remember that you’ve a hefty supply of hormones in our various suitcases which you’d rather not bring to the attention of the authorities.’
‘Don’t worry, I bought some white cotton gloves to wear and I’ll put on my cap to hide my hair as we go through passport control.’
We left the plane without incident and queued together at the Immigration Control. Eventually the three of us were called forward by a woman officer and I handed over our passports. She looked at each one in turn and then addressing Julie said:
‘Please would you remove your cap.’
Without thinking Julie slipped her hand out of one of the cotton gloves, thereby displaying a set of beautifully manicured scarlet finger nails, and took off her cap. Her blonde hair extensions tumbled down each side of her face in a rather appealing girly way. She coloured a little but then shrugged her shoulders as if to say, ‘so what’? The immigration officer rolled her eyes, but then she saw the funny side of the situation and her face brightened into a smile.
‘Thank you very much,’ she said, handing me the three passports.
And that was it, we were through to the hall containing the baggage belts, looking out for our flight to be listed on the display boards.
‘I’m glad that’s over and done with,’ said Sue.
‘I just hope that our baggage gets through customs without a hitch as well,’ I replied.
‘The belt number for our flight hasn’t even been announced yet. Would you two mind if I went to the ladies?’ asked Julie.
‘Alright, we’ll wait for you over by the luggage belt when it is announced,’ I called out as she left us taking her cabin bag with her.
Fifteen minutes later Susie and I had retrieved our luggage but there was still no sign of Julie.
‘I’ll go and have a look for her in the ladies,’ said Sue.
A further five minutes went by before they returned, but this time Julie was dressed in a flouncy pink summer dress, strappy heels, a matching necklace and earrings and with her face made up to perfection. She’d obviously planned the whole thing.
‘I’m sorry to have kept you but I couldn’t bear to spend one more minute dressed in that horrible butch clothing,’ she said defiantly.
Next to Julie, Susie and I must have appeared like a couple of tramps. I was about to tell her off, but she looked so nice that I couldn’t bring myself to do so.
‘We’d better get going, we have to catch a bus and then get a train, and I want to get back to Woodley before midnight,’ I replied coolly.
We walked through the Green Channel of Customs, but nobody took a second look at us and again we were through the swing doors and into the meeting and greeting area of the Arrivals Terminal. We were just moving in the direction of the bus stops when I caught sight of Mum, Dad and Susie’s Mum waiting together. Susie’s mother smiled and waved at us all. Mum took one look at Julie and went white. Dad did the opposite — his cheeks went red and I thought his eyes were going to pop out of their sockets.
‘What are you doing here?’ I asked sharply, in the vain hope that attack might be the best form of defence.
‘I met Susie’s mother this morning and she told me how helpful your young cousin was being helping in her salon, but then I told her that you didn’t have a fifteen-year old cousin. So we both decided to come here and find out what was happening,’
‘Susie, I have our car in the Car Park. I think that you and I should leave now as the others will no doubt wish to have a private discussion,’ said her mother.
Susie hesitated for a minute, but then decided that perhaps her mother was right.
‘Bye Jen, bye Julie, and good luck,’ she said and then they left us.
The remaining four of us looked at one another waiting for someone to say something. Eventually my mother broke the silence.
‘Jennifer, I think you should now come back to Bracknell with us. Julian will have to find his own way home,’ she said in her usual disapproving tone of voice.
I was about to tell her to get stuffed, but before I could do so Dad interjected in a voice that would brook no argument.
‘We shall not be leaving anybody, anywhere. We’re all now going to drive back to Woodley where you two can explain exactly what has been going on over the last few weeks.’
That’s the first time I remember him directly contradicting Mum like that.
Chapter 19
Uproar and tumult
Nothing further was said as Julie and I followed my parents over to the short-term car park at Heathrow Terminal 3, but at least Dad took charge of our large suitcase which saved us a struggle, especially as it had grown somewhat heavier with the addition of Julie’s two years’ worth of medication. He loaded it into the boot of our car, and we got into the back seats. I turned to Julie and offered a re-assuring smile, and touched her hand but said nothing. Her face looked grey, in spite of the makeup she was wearing. Mum and Dad were equally reticent in the front seats. The car journey back Woodley took about forty minutes, during which time there was an awkward silence within the car. Eventually we pulled up outside Julie’s house and once again Dad took it upon himself to unload our suitcase from the boot. Julie and I led the way into the house with our cabin bags. Mum followed behind with a face like thunder.
I guess it must have been two years or more since I’d last thrown a full-blown ‘hissy-fit’, and I’d forgotten that it could be a useful, first-strike, ‘shock and awe’, tactical device when dealing with unreasonable crusties. But clearly Julie was learning fast. Dad was still struggling to negotiate our suitcase through the front door when Julie went straight on the attack towards Mum.
‘You needn’t think you are going to make me change back to Julian; it is my life and I’ll live it as I want to. I’m almost sixteen now and nobody can force me to be someone I’m not.’
Mum looked surprised by the onslaught and was about to respond, but before she could do so Julie had returned to the fray.
‘You are not going to take away my hormones, they were prescribed for me by my doctor, and if anyone tries to take them from me I’ll call the police,’ she continued, starting to cry.
I doubt if Mum had even realised that she’d been taking female hormones, but certainly she did so now.
‘And you are not to be angry with Jenny. She was the only person to be kind to me when my parents died and you’re lucky to have such a good daughter.’
By now she was in floods of tears as all the pent-up emotion of the last two months suddenly came gushing out.
‘Without Jennie and Susie’s help I might have killed myself, so don’t you dare be angry with her, either of you.’
With that she flung down her handbag, stormed up the stairs to the master bedroom, slammed the door and locked it. We could hear her wailing on the bed.
Both Mum and Dad looked stunned by her reaction.
‘So now you know Julie’s secret, and what I’ve been doing this summer — helping her to come to terms with the death of her parents and her lifelong feeling that she should have been born as a girl,’ I said, to break the silence.
‘How can he possibly know that at his age,’ said Mum, contemptuously.
‘Believe me, Mum, nobody would have put themselves through what Julie has done over the years unless they were absolutely sure. In any event, she’s consulted a psychiatrist and has also begun hormone therapy, so there will be no going back, whatever you or anyone else may think.’
Mum didn’t answer. We could still hear Julie’s sobs emanating from her bedroom.
‘Should you go up to her?’ Dad asked me.
‘No, best leave her be for a little while; let her get it out of her system,’ I replied calmly. ‘She’s been through a lot lately. I’ll go up and see if she’s ok in a few minutes.’
‘I knew we should never have agreed to let Jennifer stay here for the summer, that family are nothing but trouble,’ said Mum to Dad.
‘My task may have been a little more complicated than I first imagined, but I’ve been helping my sister and I don’t see that I’ve done anything wrong.’ I said.
‘Me neither,’ said Dad. ‘It appears that Julie has needed help, and Jen has provided it.’
Mum ignored my comment and angrily went for Dad.
‘Don’t you go defending what she’s done! You don’t understand; you’re not really her father.’
Dad’s cheeks went red. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look so angry.
‘I’ve supported the two of you for the last fifteen years and I’ve earned the right to regard Jenny as my daughter, and I will not let you devalue or undermine our relationship. I think that what Jen has been doing is quite admirable, and wish I’d known about it earlier. If I can help the pair of them in the future I intend to do so. As to my not understanding; I understand enough to know that you married me on the re-bound, and that you have never forgiven Julie’s father and mother for what they did to you. But they’re both dead now, so you will just have to get over it and move on, otherwise we are both liable to have a sad and lonely old age.’
Mum didn’t answer, but sat weeping quietly. Dad continued to look very angry and upset. We could also hear Julie sobbing in the background. All in all it was quite a scene of emotional outpouring. I’d been involved in my fair share of family conflicts over the years, but they were normally between Mum and me, with Dad attempting to arbitrate and dry the tears. Now, for the first time, I found that I was the dispassionate adult, trying to calm the situation.
‘No-one could have asked for a better father than you’ve been, and I honestly don’t think that mum could have found a better husband, whether she was ‘on the re-bound,’ or not,’ I said quietly, touching his hand. ‘I may have had another natural father, but you will always be ‘my Dad’.’
Mum now realised that in her anger she’d gone too far.
‘I’m sorry, Jack, you have been a good husband, and I don’t know what Jenny and I would have done without you,’ Mum said quietly, with copious tears continuing to fall.
Dad didn’t reply.
‘I know she really loves you, but just give her a little time to grieve for her former husband,’ I said quietly to him.
He still looked hurt and upset, but his anger had subsided.
‘Alright, we’ll go home to Bracknell now. You’d best go and look after your sister. I’ll come back tomorrow to see how I can help you both,’ Dad said to me.
‘Thanks, I should like that, and I’m sure Julie will be grateful as well,’ I said giving him a kiss.
Mum didn’t argue. She quietly got up and followed him out of the house without saying anything more. Before she did so I gave her a hug and whispered in her ear: ‘Mum, don’t spoil your current and future happiness for the sake of a dream that died fifteen years ago.’
I heaved a sigh of relief as their car drove away, and went upstairs to talk to my sister.
‘Julie, they’ve gone now. You don’t have to worry, nobody is going to take anything away from you or force you to do anything you don’t want to. In fact, I think we may even have gained an ally in my father.’
I heard the lock turn, and a very bedraggled looking little girl came to the door with puffy eyes, smeared makeup and untidy hair.
‘I’m sorry Jen; I don’t know what came over me.’
‘I know exactly what came over you,’ I replied smiling. ‘It was the effect of those hormones you’ve been taking. I‘d forgotten what havoc an excess of oestrogen can play with your emotions, especially if your body is not accustomed to it. But don’t worry, in many respects it was exactly what was needed, even if it did precipitate a row between my parents.'
‘I didn’t want to cause them any trouble. I just wanted to be left alone to be Julie.’
‘It wasn’t your fault, there were just some issues between your father and my mother that had been swept under the carpet and never fully resolved. It is just as well that they are now out in the open.’
As promised, Dad arrived the following afternoon wanting to know if there was anything he could do to help us. I’d half hoped that he might bring Mum with him, but he didn’t and I decided that is was probably best not to ask. Whatever went on between them after they left last night was their business which they’d have to work out between themselves. Instead, we spent a couple of hours going through all the details of the Probate application and Julie’s plans to buy a flat for us to share in Nottingham.
‘The main problem you have will be to sell this house and any of the furniture that you do not wish to take with you to Nottingham. I’ll probably be able to help you there,’ said Dad. ‘My firm will be able handle the marketing of the property for half our usual commission, as it is ‘for one of the family.’ I’m afraid we’ll have to deal with Jenny, as she will be the administrator of the will and you are under age.’
‘I realise that and trust Jenny with my money,’ replied Julie.
‘I can also probably arrange to sell any remaining furniture and make sure you get a fair price, as I have several contacts in the trade. However, you may wish to keep the house partially furnished until you have a buyer and maybe negotiate with them regarding carpets etc. as everything is in very good condition. I’ll make sure that the house is ok whilst you are away. However, unfortunately you can’t really do anything until Julie’s mother’s probate is granted.’
‘I’ve received a letter giving me an appointment for a Probate Interview on 14th September, assuming all is well the grant should arrive the week before we leave for Nottingham. If we are lucky we will just be able to sort out the main financial details before we leave,’ I said.
‘Good, in that case I’ll arrange for a colleague to come out and get the details of the property so that we can put it on the market as soon as you have the go-ahead from the Probate Office. If you wish I’ll also contact the company you are intending to buy your flat from in Nottingham, to put them in the picture. They’ll have more confidence in you as buyers if they are kept informed exactly what is happening at this end. I just wish that you’d told me all this before, we could have got things moving whilst you were away.’
‘Sorry Dad, I wasn’t sure how much I could tell you about what was really going on, after all it was Julie’s secret rather than mine.’
‘I’m sorry too Mr Anderson,’ said Julie, ‘I suppose I was just being paranoid until after I’d been to Thailand and begun my hormone therapy.’
‘Alright girls, but Julie, you can’t keep calling me Mr Anderson, how about Uncle Jack?’
Julie smiled.
‘Yes, I’d like to have an Uncle Jack. What should I call your wife?’
Dad sighed.
‘I don’t really know. It may take a little time, but I’m sure she’ll come round in the end.’
‘Would it help if I were to invite you both to a dinner party, together with Susie and her mother?’ asked Julie.
‘What do you have in mind?’
‘It’s my sixteenth birthday on Wednesday. Neither Jenny nor I will be working on that day and I’d love to do the cooking for a dinner party,’ she continued.
‘It would be unlikely to turn into a family row if others are present,’ I added. ‘Julie’s a very good cook, but how will you cope with five women and yourself?’
Dad rolled his eyes, but smiled and said he would be happy to come, but wasn’t sure how Mum would react to the suggestion.
‘Why don’t I drive out to Bracknell and have a quick word with Mum, whilst Julie shows you round the house,’ I suggested.
‘Alright, the best of luck.
I let myself in to our house with my key. Mum was busy in the kitchen preparing vegetables for their dinner. Although I’d prepared exactly what I was going to say during the drive over, I forgot it all as soon as I arrived. All I could think to do was to give her a hug. For once she didn’t attempt to resist or to use the opportunity to criticise what I was wearing.
‘I shall miss you when you move to Nottingham,’ she said in a matter of fact way.
‘I know, and I’ll miss our family rows,’ I replied laughing. ‘But you have a very good husband who will need to be looked after, and kept up to scratch. In any event, I’ll only be living a few hours away with my sister. I hope you will come and see us.’
‘Yes, your sister,’ Mum said ruefully.
‘Yes Mum, she is my sister and I’m very proud of her. You can’t hold Julie responsible for the actions of her father and mother.’
‘No I suppose not.’
‘I hope you’ll come to accept Julie as a part of the family; after all she’s turning into exactly the sort of girly-girl that you always wanted me to become.’
Mum smiled.
‘‘I’ll do my best. At least she appears to have had more influence on how you look than I ever had.’
I noted that, for the first time, Mum had used the feminine form of the personal pronoun when referring to Julie.
‘She wants to invite you and Dad to a dinner party for her birthday on Wednesday night, but it means that you’ll have to accept her as Julie — there must be no references to her past life.
‘Maybe Wednesday is a little bit soon,’ Mum replied.
‘Please come, Mum. There won’t be many opportunities for us to spend time together before we leave for Nottingham. If you do come, I promise I’ll put on a dress and some makeup.’
Mum sighed.
‘Alright then, I’ll come, if your Dad is agreeable.'
I drove back and announced the news to Dad and Julie. They seemed to be getting on very well together in the study, talking about selling the house, so I retired to my bedroom and rang Susie. I spent the next hour filling her in with all the gory details of our homecoming the previous evening. I also relayed the invitation to her and her mother. Susie’s Mum had suspected that there was something a little different about Julie but had taken it all in her stride once she had been told the full story, and was more than happy for Julie to continue helping at the salon.
Dad eventually left us at about five o’clock to drive back for the dinner that Mum had been preparing. I saw him out to his car.
‘She does love you, and she loves me as well; she just has difficulty in showing it sometimes,’ I said.
‘I know,’ he replied. ‘That may have been why her first marriage failed. But at least we’ve the advantage of having brought up a wonderful daughter together, so it will be worth our while to put some extra effort into making our marriage work.’
‘Thank you for accepting Julie as well.’
‘You’re our daughter, and she’s your sister and so we have no choice but to accept her,’ he replied.
‘I’m so glad that Mum found you,’ I said giving him a kiss.
He didn’t reply, but looked quite pleased with what I’d said.
Julie had already started making plans for the meal on Wednesday and was making a list of what we would need to buy.
‘Can we go shopping on the way home from work tomorrow evening?’ she asked.
‘I don’t see why not.’
‘It is a pity we can’t invite Joe and his sister as well.’
‘Well if all goes well on Wednesday, we can invite them both round for a farewell dinner when Joe gets back from his holiday.’
‘Yes I would like that, but I think it will be only fair to let Clare into my secret as well.’
‘That’s up to you to decide, Julie. If you wish I’ll ask Joe to break the news Clare. She seems to look up to him and so will probably keep your secret — at least for a while — and by then you’ll have moved to Nottingham.’
‘Yes I’d like her to know the truth, before we leave, and maybe then we can stay in touch via Facebook.’
‘And there will be times in the future when we will visit the Thames Valley as well,’ I said.
‘I don’t have many friends but I’ll miss Clare and Susie when we do leave.'
I decided to change the subject.
‘By the way, how is the medication going?’
‘Alright I think. I’ve been carefully following the instructions, but the only changes that I‘ve noticed so far have been emotional ones.’
I laughed.
‘Just make sure that you don’t have another of those ‘hissy-fits’ when you are preparing for the dinner party, I wouldn’t be able to cope on my own.’
‘I’ll do my best not to,’ she replied smiling.
Chapter 20
Julie’s birthday
Susie gave me a call during my lunch break on Monday to discuss a birthday present for Julie.
‘She’s been such a lot of help over the last few weeks that Mum and I feel we ought to buy her something to show our appreciation.’
‘Me too,’ I replied. ‘After all, she’s been paying me to look after her for the last two months but requires very little effort on my part. Also it is her money that will be funding our new flat. I will be paying some rent and contributing to the running costs, but I would have to pay a lot more and be less comfortable if I were living anywhere else.’
‘So what will you be giving her?’
‘There’s a rather nice trouser suit at work which would look good on her. I could get it at a reduced price with my staff discount. How about you?’
‘Mum and I thought we would buy her a nice set of lingerie.’
‘Good idea! Would you like me to buy something suitable for her on your behalf with my staff discount?’
‘Yes please. We don’t really have a lot of time to go out shopping before Wednesday.’
‘Alright, I’ll try and sneak them to you when I collect Julie tonight, and you can settle with me afterwards. One thing though, can I suggest you give them to Julie when she leaves work on Tuesday evening rather than at her birthday meal as I doubt whether my parents will have got her anything.’
‘Alright, and that way she can wear them on her birthday if she chooses.’
That afternoon I made the relevant purchases using my staff card and even selected a yucky girly birthday card ‘To my lovely sister’. Any other time I would have chosen something both rude and jokey, but Julie had been going through a difficult time, and I guess I must be mellowing with age.
I picked Julie up at the usual time, and whilst she was getting her things I managed to pass the bag containing the lingerie set to Susie without my sister noticing.
‘My boobs have been quite tender today and they have also started to itch, it was all I could do to prevent myself from scratching them in public,’ Julie announced in the car as we were driving home. ‘I had to go to the loo once or twice. Do you think they may be beginning to grow?’
‘Your doctor did warn you that would happen. It is something all girls go through, just a little bit later than normal in your case.’
‘How long is it likely to go on for?’
‘It was two, maybe three years in my case. I’m afraid there will be times when they are quite sore but you can put on some lotion to help.’
‘At least it means that I am beginning to acquire a woman’s body and can look forward to the time when I won’t have to bother with all this padding.’
‘It may take a year or more before you can entirely do without it.’ I replied.
‘By the way, Clare called me at work today. She invited me round to her place on Wednesday, but I explained that I would be cooking for the dinner party. She offered to come round and help, if she could get a lift over to Woodley. What do you think?’
‘I don’t mind giving her a lift over and back as well, but you can hardly have her helping with the meal and then not invite her to your birthday dinner.’
‘I suppose not,’ said Julie. ‘In which case, it might be better if she were to learn the truth about me before the others arrive, just in case something should come up in conversation during dinner.’
‘That is up to you to decide, Julie.’
‘Alright, I’ll ring her tonight and say that you will collect her and take her home again after the dinner. I will tell her the truth as soon as she arrives. I just hope she does not freak out.’
‘I don’t think she will, after all her brother didn’t do so.’
Tuesday was fairly uneventful; we were both working as usual. Susie and her mother presented Julie with a package and a birthday card as she was leaving work, but told not to open them until the following day. We called in at the supermarket at Woodley on the way home to get in the supplies for the forthcoming dinner party. Since we got back from Thailand, and had faced my parents I was no longer worried that Julie might be recognised by one of her neighbours or former school friends. She did see a couple of people she recognised from the locality but neither of them appeared to take any particular notice of her.
We both had a day off on Wednesday and so did not need to get up. I set my alarm for eight though so that I could prepare Julie a nice breakfast. However, I needn’t have bothered as she was awake an hour earlier and by the time I got up she was already downstairs and had opened Susie’s present.
‘Look what Susie and her mother have got for me,’ she said excitedly holding up a dark blue satin camisole.’ I really love wearing nice lingerie.’
‘So I’ve seen over the last two months,’ I replied
I handed over my present and card.
‘Happy birthday Sweet Sixteen,’ I said giving her a kiss and ‘You have made it this far without being carted off to a children’s home, and I don’t see that there is much likelihood of it happening now.’
‘Perhaps not, but I shall be relieved when we leave Woodley and I can start again where nobody knows about my early life,’ she replied.
‘Me too!’
She proceeded to open my present, and then to try it on.
‘Oh, thank you very much Jenny, it’s lovely and I look quite the businesswoman. I think dark red suits me. But you are forever trying to get me into wearing trousers,’ she said in a voice which indicated that she didn’t really mind. .
‘No more than you are forever trying to get me to wear dresses. All I am trying to do is to insert a little more practicality into your wardrobe,’ I replied. You can still wear your girly underwear.’
‘Maybe we each provide a useful counterbalance to one another’s tastes.’
‘Perhaps.’
‘Thanks for the present; shall I wear it tonight?’
‘It’s my pleasure,’ I replied, ‘but I think I can allow you to wear a long dress for tonight, since it is your birthday.’
‘Thanks for everything Jen. I don’t know how I would have managed over the last few weeks without you,’ she said giving me a hug and with tears in her eyes.
‘Now don’t start getting emotional, remember you have a dinner party to prepare for.’
All the same I felt a little sad for Julie that she would only have two birthday presents to open. No doubt she had been thinking about her parents on this day, but she did not say anything.
The post arrived at 10.00am, just as I was going out to collect Clare. There was just one further card, addressed to Julian, with an Australian postmark.
‘You’ll have to tell your Aunt at some stage,’ I commented handing it over to her.
‘Yes, I suppose so, but not until I’m eighteen and my transition is complete,’ she replied.
Clare came armed with a birthday card and a small package for Julie, so my sister would at least have one more present to open. I delivered Clare to Woodley and then made an excuse to go into Reading for a couple of hours. This was partly because I wanted to give Julie the opportunity of telling her new friend in her own way. I’d previously said to her that she could always ring me to come and take Clare home if she became really upset by the news, but I couldn’t really see that happening. Clare was reasonably level headed — in so far as that description could ever be applied to a fifteen-year-old. The only slight worry I had was that she might be so excited by the news that she would want to tell all her friends as well, and post it up on Facebook. That way the news would soon reach the crusties and afterwards, perhaps the authorities. However, we now had less than three weeks remaining before we moved, so it was probably worth the risk.
I also wanted some time on my own to take stock of everything that had happened to me over the last couple of months. The discovery that I had a sister, the decision to share a flat with her in Nottingham, the trip to Thailand had all had quite an impact on me. I had absolutely no regrets about my summer job but I needed to absorb it all. I did not feel as if I was the same person as I was at the beginning of the summer, and undoubtedly things would change even more over the next few weeks.
When I arrived back at Woodley at lunch time I found both girls working together in the kitchen and chatting happily together. I gave Julie a questioning look, just to make sure that she had in fact told her friend.
‘It’s alright Jen; I’ve explained to Clare everything and answered all her questions. She was quite surprised by the news but says she is quite cool about the discovery.’
‘I’m glad you now know Clare, just as Joe does. I hope you and he will keep Julie’s secret for her. That way we can all stay friends and perhaps you and your brother can come and visit us in Nottingham.’
‘I should like that, and I promise not to tell anybody else until Julie gives me her permission to do so,’ said Clare.
We had all agreed to dress up for the evening and I had already conveyed that information to Susie and my mother. Thus we had to find something suitable for Clare to wear from Julie’s mother’s wardrobe, which fortunately proved not to be too much of a problem. As soon as all the preparation for the meal was complete we helped one another to get ready. Julie, who was now the acknowledged expert on the subject, finished off our hair and makeup for us.
‘Wow, you really do know how to use cosmetics, I don’t remember ever looking this good before,’ commented Clare.
‘Thanks, I really want us all to look our best tonight as Susie and her mother are coming, and they are the real experts,’ she replied.
Given the unpropitious events of the previous Saturday evening, Julie’s dinner party went remarkably well. Julie is an excellent and imaginative cook and young hostess. She was ably assisted in serving out the dishes and clearing away each course by Clare, so all I had to do was sit back, look pretty and enjoy the conversation. My parents handed over a birthday card to Julie but seemed a little awkward at first. I guess that Dad was a bit overawed as the only man among six women, and that mum was still slightly coming to terms with the fact that the former son of her first husband had suddenly turned into a beautiful young woman. However, they both seemed to be making an effort, and after a glass of wine they had both mellowed somewhat. Susie and her mother, were both great at making conversation with anybody after their experiences working in the salon. Clare and Julie were both enjoying the new experience of being sophisticated adults. But all good things must eventually come to an end and it fell to me to bring the proceedings to a close.
‘Clare I promised your mother to have you home by 11.00pm.’ I said, looking at the dining room clock.
‘Alright Jen, I suppose I’d better get changed.’
‘You can borrow the dress and let me have it back later, if you like,’ said Julie.
‘Yes please, I would love Mum and Dad to see how good I look,’ she replied.
‘I’m afraid that Susie and I will also need to leave as well,’ said her Mother, ‘as we have a full day in the salon tomorrow.’
‘Jack and I can help with the clearing up whilst you take Clare home, Jenny,’ said Mum. ‘We’d like to have a word with the two of you afterwards.’
That sounds a little ominous, but at least she didn’t called me Jennifer,’ I thought as I said goodbye to Susie and her mother, and arranged to ferry Clare home.
I returned after half an hour or so to find the table cleared, the crockery and cutlery loaded into the dishwasher and the kitchen tidied. Mum and Dad were chatting to Julie in the lounge. I went in and joined them wondering what might come next.
‘We wanted to thank you both for a lovely meal and an enjoyable evening,’ Dad began.
‘Julie cooked the meal and did most of the work,’ I commented.
‘Yes, we’d guessed that,’ added Mum, smiling.
There was a brief, slightly awkward, silence
‘Irene and I have been talking a lot together over the last few days and we want to apologise to you both if we have not been as understanding as we might have been,’ continued Dad.
Julie looked as if she wasn’t quite sure how to react.
‘And we hope that in future Julie, you will regard yourself as a part of our family and call us Uncle Jack and Aunt Irene,’ he concluded.
I shot a glance across at Mum, to make sure that she was in accord with the statement. There was just the merest hesitation before she nodded in agreement. With that, they got up, walked over and gave Julie a kiss. Tears began to appear in my sister’s eyes.
‘Thank you, Uncle Jack and Aunt Irene, I should like that’ she replied.
After a second or two Mum continued.
‘Julie, I have two nice pieces of jewellery that were given to me by your late father, and I should like you to have one of them. It is a gold locket with his picture inside.’
She handed over a small red jewellery case. Julie looked inside then opened the locket and began to sob.
‘Thank you Aunt Irene,’ it is a lovely birthday present,’ she said between her tears.
I was on the point of going to comfort her, but Mum was there first and put her arm round her and hugged her, something I don’t remember her doing to me for many years. I was standing next to Dad, so I gave his hand a surreptitious squeeze, as something to take my mind off the emotion that I was feeling. He returned the gesture, but didn’t say anything.
After Julie’s tears had subsided Mum came over to me.
‘Jennifer, I also kept the engagement ring given to me by your natural father. However, I have a new husband now and I wear his ring,’ she said glancing at Dad. ‘So I would like you to have it.’
She handed over a small black box containing a beautiful, and quite expensive looking, platinum and diamond ring. I took it out and tried it on.
‘Thanks Mum,’ I said, not knowing what else to say.
‘We would also like you to know how proud we are of you and that you have turned into a lovely young woman. We shall both miss you very much when you leave for Nottingham,’ she continued.
It was now my turn to begin to cry, and to have Mum comfort me.
In no time, all four of us were sobbing and hugging one another.
Chapter 21
Epilogue
Mum and Dad proved to be really helpful to both of us over the next three weeks as we prepared for our move to Nottingham. This was just as well as there was a lot to do. Dad arranged for Julie’s house in Woodley to be surveyed and the details prepared ready for it to be put on to the market as soon as we had the go-ahead to do so. Although the property market was still somewhat slow, he was confident that it would sell fairly quickly due to its convenient location, and good internal and external condition. He also negotiated with the vendors of the property in Nottingham on our behalf and arranged a date when we could move in. Nevertheless, Julie insisted that she would undertake the legal conveyancing work for her purchase and sale (although once again I had the responsibility for signing the various transfers on her behalf. Dad was a little anxious about this, but I explained that she was a lot more intelligent than she might seem at first meeting, had already dealt with two applications for probate without any problems, and was interested in the idea of training to be a solicitor at some time once her transition was complete.
Mum also came over to Woodley on several occasions over the next week and helped us to decide what we would need to take with us and what we should get rid of. As a result we made several trips to charity shops in town to dispose of both Julian’s and his father’s clothes. As soon as we had decided what furniture would be taken with us, Dad got a second hand furniture dealer that he knew to come round to inspect the remainder and make her an offer. Clare called round on a couple of days when we were not working part-time, and I was glad to see that her knowledge of Julie’s past did not seem to have had any impact on their friendship or how they dealt with one another.
On 14th September we drove to Oxford for the Probate Interview for Julie’s mother. We took Clare along with us for the ride, to keep Julie company whilst I was in the probate office. Once again there were no real problems. After I’d sworn the oath, I explained that I would be leaving to go to University on the 25th and the Registrar promised to do everything she could to speed things up for us. In fact we received the grant on the 16th, and so had plenty of time to do the various financial transactions and put the house on to the market. Mum and Dad even rented a van to take us, our belongings and furniture to Beeston on the 25th. Joe came over to help load the van on the Friday night, which was good of him as he was due to leave Reading himself the next day.
Julie travelled with Dad in the van, to show him the way, whereas I drove with Mum in the Fiesta. I think this trip gave us both an opportunity to get to know one of the crusties a little better. Somewhat to my surprise, I discovered that Mum would have liked to have gone to University herself, but she got involved with my natural father and then fell pregnant with me, and the rest is history. In some respects I’m now doing all of the things that she would have liked to have done; only life got in the way. I do believe that she is really quite proud of me; it’s a pity she could never bring herself to tell me all this before.
My relations with both my parents have improved no end over the last year, and it is definitely a case of absence making the heart grow fonder. Dad seems to have taken to Julie and bends over backwards to be as helpful as he can, and even Mum sees her as a good influence on me, and as likely to curb some of my excesses. As a result we have been back to Bracknell on several occasions, notably at Christmas, Easter and when Julie eventually sold the house in mid-January. They have been up to visit us on a couple of occasions. However we never stay long as there is not a lot of spare room. I’ve have kept in touch with Joe and went out with him once or twice when I came home at Christmas, but we have both found new partners at college. Julie has also stayed in touch with Clare, and both of us regularly contact Susie via Facebook, but inevitably it becomes more difficult to retain day-to-day friendships when you are living in different towns
Soon after we got settled in Beeston Julie began to make enquiries about resuming her education. It didn’t prove to be too difficult to find a local college that would accept her on to an ‘A’ level course, but the academic year had already started by then and so it would be September 2011 before she could begin. In some respects having a one-year gap was no bad thing as it gave her time to establish her new identity as a young woman and begin to assemble the relevant documentation that she would need for her new life. She was eventually able to obtain a national insurance certificate, passport and a provisional driving licence. In each case it was a little more complicated than usual because of her age — the authorities still do not recognize that anyone could be transgendered under the age of eighteen, but in the end they relented. At sixteen she could only have a licence to drive a moped. Fortunately she had no wish to do so, but the licence did provide her with a useful photo id, so that she would be able to open a bank account in her new name. In the meanwhile I’ve been able to undertake any major financial transactions on her behalf in my continuing role of the executor of her parents’ estate. As soon as she had her national insurance card, Julie found herself a part-time job in a local beauty salon, on the basis of her previous experience. It did not pay very well, but she wasn't doing it for the money; she wanted to keep her hand in and enjoyed the work.
Julie has continued to take the hormones each day since we returned from Thailand and her boobs seem to have been growing at a rate of knots. It was as if her body was just waiting for the chemical signal to begin to develop and was now seeking to make up for lost time. She has certainly experienced some physical discomfort and some emotional turmoil in the process, but understands what is going on and accepts it as one of the consequences of being able to achieve her life’s ambition. She has also found herself a private doctor to help oversee her transition. Somewhat to my surprise, she chose a male doctor as I thought a female one might have been more sympathetic to her condition. Apparently the guy started off by telling her to stop taking the hormones until she was eighteen, but she smiled sweetly made it clear that she knew exactly what she was doing, had the support of a psychiatrist, and had no intention of changing her mind. I suspect she may also have fluttered her eyelashes and simpered a little, so that by the end of the interview she had him eating out of her hand.
In fact Julie has become quite a little flirt recently, and I have to be careful about who I invite round to the flat. The few arguments that we have had over the last year derive from my telling her to watch her step and not give guys the wrong idea, after all she is only just over the age of consent, and most of the guys who come sniffing round have no idea of her situation. Julie responds by saying that she knows what she is doing and won’t let things go too far. It’s difficult to stay angry with her as she can put on such a look of wide-eyed innocence when she wants to that disarms any level of annoyance. I suspect she’s just experimenting with her newly-discovered proficiencies as a young woman. She seems to know how to handle guys almost by instinct, and can’t go fifty yards carrying anything heavy without several of them crawling out of the woodwork and fighting off one another to offer her help. I’ve been out with a couple of guys over the last year, but nothing serious, but I have also made lots of friends and take part in University activities.
Broadly speaking Julie and I live in a symbiotic relationship (I got that phrase from one of my University courses — it means ‘mutually beneficial’). We help one another in lots of different ways, but also know when to give the other their privacy. Inevitably there are times when Julie becomes very sad over the loss of her parents, but these never last for long. I know she would love to have had them witness her blossoming into an attractive young woman. At the same time she knows that she cannot get away with playing ‘the little princess’ with me and always pulls her weight with the housework. I sometimes try to keep her ‘girlyness’ in check and inject a little rationality in her behaviour, whilst she sometimes encourages me to experiment more with mine.
So, given all of the above, you may be wondering why I chose the title for my story. It derives from events that took place at the end of August of this year when I asked my sister what she would like to do to celebrate her seventeenth birthday.
‘There’s an ‘End of Summer’ charity ball in town on 3rd September, the theme is ‘twins’, I would love to go, if you will come with me,’ she replied.
‘You want us to go dressed as twins?’
‘Yes, it could be fun! We could both hire the same style of evening dress, I could colour your hair and give you some hair extensions to make it look just like mine, and do our makeup. We would end up looking like one another’
‘Why can’t your hair be made to look like mine?’ I asked suspiciously.
‘I know how to cut and colour hair properly, whereas I wouldn’t trust you anywhere near mine.’
I stuck my tongue out at her but had to agree. I wouldn’t let someone like me anywhere near my hair.
‘Alright, I’ll treat you to your ball tickets as a birthday present but don’t expect me to go over the top with the ‘girlyness’.’
‘That’s exactly what I expect us to do. If you can’t dress up and make yourself look nice for a summer ball, when can you do so?’ she replied.
I put up some token resistance, but the following afternoon we made our way to a dress hire shop at Radcliffe-on-Trent where we both tried on about a dozen different outfits.
‘Do you think my boobs are big enough for me to wear a strapless dress?’ she asked, taking off her bra in the changing room.
I examined her for the first time in several weeks and realized just how much they’d grown recently.
‘You may still need a little discreet padding, but I guess they should be ok.’
‘Great, in that case let’s go for it.
We tried on an identical pair of scarlet evening dresses which seemed to look equally good on both of us.
‘What do you think?’ she asked.
I sighed.
‘Alright, go on then, I suppose, as it is your birthday.’
‘Thanks.’
‘It won’t be too long before you can throw away your falsies altogether,’ I suggested.
‘I am really looking forward to that day, and also this time next year when I shall be en-route to Thailand for my operation.’
‘You certainly know what you want in life.’
‘Will you come with me when I go for my operation?’ she asked.
‘We’ll have to see,’ I replied.
We arranged to collect the dresses the following Friday night, which was the day before the ball. That night I succumbed to my sister’s entreaties and allowed myself to become a blonde with long hair for the first time in my life. Julie firstly coloured my existing hair then sewed in the extensions just as Susie had done for her the previous year. I found these to be a little uncomfortable to begin with but I gradually got used to having them, and when I saw how they looked was pleased to have done so. After that I gave up all opposition to Julie’s plans and the following day we both became true ‘girly girls’, helping each other with a facial, manicure and makeover. Somewhat to my surprise it was quite good fun and was probably worth the time and effort. By the time Julie had finished, I believe we both looked quite special. I didn’t argue when Julie decided to take some photographs of us using the timer on her father’s digital camera. (You can judge for yourself: I am the taller girl on the left of the photo.)
The ‘End of Summer’ ball proved to be really great fun for both of us. I don’t think I’ve ever felt quite so confident in how I looked before, and it is surprising what a difference that makes to how you behave. Guys do treat blondes differently from other girls, beginning with the taxi driver, who helped us both out of the car and told us how nice we looked. (We’d taken a taxi in so that I didn’t have to worry about spoiling my outfit by driving, and could also have a drink during the evening.) Then there was the guy in the street that stopped what he was doing to hold open the door for both of us. Once inside, both Julie and I had guys swarming round us like flies for the whole evening, laughing at our jokes, asking us to dance or offering to get us drinks. Eventually we selected two of the best looking ones and let them give us lifts home in return for a cup of coffee and a little bit of snogging. I quite liked my escort so I gave him my mobile number, and he has promised to ring. I left it to Julie to handle her own guy, after all she is a big girl now and I won’t always be able to look out for her.
Eventually, after her guy had left, Julie knocked on my bedroom door. I was sitting at my dressing table, thinking about the evening and reluctant to get changed.
‘So how does it feel to be a girly girl?’ Julie asked me as she entered the room.
‘In spite of all the time and trouble involved, I can see there are certain advantages,’ I replied. ‘In fact, I may stick with the blonde hair and the extensions for a few weeks, just to see how I get on with them.’
Regards to all, Louise
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Sometimes life has a habit of creeping up on you and sending you careering down a different and unexpected trajectory.
Copyright © 2021 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Whilst unsure what to do with my life, I take a temporary job looking after horses on a film set, only to find myself recruited for some unusual work.
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Sometimes life has a habit of creeping up on you and sending you careering down a different and unexpected trajectory.
Copyright © 2021 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Just when I had at last decided that my ambitions of becoming a famous jockey were unlikely to work out and I needed to look for something different to do with my life, a new and unexpected opportunity presented itself.
One day during the late spring of 2018 I had a temporary job looking after several horses that were going to be used on a film location in the West of England . I had just finished exercising and grooming Moonbeam a fine looking bay New Forest pony and was sweeping out the next stall ready for the expected arival of further horses. The production company had rented a large barn that had been converted into a temporary stable for the duration of the filming. A small party of smartly dressed men and women entered: one or two of them were carrying tablet computers. They walked over to the next stall to inspect the horse but I doubt whether most of the group even noticed me’
‘This is ‘Moonbeam’; you’ll be riding her next week, Amy’ said Frank Wilson, whom I recognised as the director. ‘I’m told that she has a placid temperament and is quite used to being filmed.’
I also recognised the attractive young woman with long shining raven black hair that he was addressing. It was Amy O’Donnell the youngest member of the group. Although she was barely twenty, she’d made quite a name for herself on television recently, initially as a popular child actress in a soap opera followed by a successful pop recording and a stint on a celebrity reality show. I’d read somewhere that she was now hoping to begin a career in films. Amy walked over and stroked the horse’s neck.
‘She’s rather big for a pony, isn’t she?’ she said a little anxiously. ‘The ponies that I used to ride as a girl weren’t nearly as big as that.
Frank Wilson, noticed that I was listening to the conversation, on the periphery of the group.
‘Hey! You there!’ Is that right?’
‘She’s fourteen and a half hands, which is a little on the large side, but she’s still within the recognised range for a pony,’ I replied. Then I added as an afterthought: ‘she needs to be fairly sturdy to be able to carry Miss O’Donnell when she’s riding side-saddle.’
Amy turned to look at me.
‘Are you suggesting that I need a big horse to carry my weight?‘ she said, in mock outrage.
She knew perfectly well that she was not overweight, quite the opposite in fact. I’m sure she wasn’t being serious in her comment but I blushed at my faux pas, all the same.
‘Oh no, I didn’t mean that at all, Miss O’Donnell, it’s just that when you ride side saddle your weight is on one side of the pony’s back rather than in the centre and so you need a stronger animal.’
‘No-one said anything to me about my riding side-saddle!’ continued Amy, this time addressing the assembled group. ‘Why can’t I ride astride, as normal?’
‘The film is set in the 1860s when all aristocratic young women would have ridden side-saddle,’ said Frank patiently.
Amy had been offered the part of Lucy Robarts, the young love interest in Anthony Trollope’s Framley Parsonage. It would be a good debut role for her film career except that Lucy was described in the book as ‘a bold and accomplished horsewoman’ and so there had been one scene added to the script where she took part in a foxhunt. However, it was now obvious that an acquaintance with English literature or an understanding of nineteenth century horsewomanship were both lacking in the education of Amy or her agent.’
‘You didn’t specify in the contract that Amy would be required to ride side-saddle,’ said her agent.
‘We discussed this matter at some length with your personal assistant; she assured us that you were an accomplished horse rider and had no need of a stand-in,’ said Joan Weaver, the assistant director, addressing both Amy and the agent.
‘Lorna, my P.A. left me for another job ten days ago, so we cannot check on what she told you,’ said Amy.
‘The fee that we agreed took that into account,’ added Joan.
‘I would be petrified to be riding side saddle on that brute, I assumed you would have stand-ins for this kind of work,’ said Amy.
‘You’ve had the final script for several weeks now and have had plenty of time to raise any issues before you signed the contract,’ added Joan in frustration.
‘We’re due to begin filming the equestrian scenes in two days’ time. I doubt if I would be able to get a qualified horsewoman on set in that time, especially one who is the same age and build as you are.’
I coughed politely, as if asking permission to speak. The group turned to look at me.
‘Yes?’ said Frank.
‘Side-saddle riding is not so difficult once you get used to it. I’ve been riding that way for the last fortnight so that Moonbeam would get used to the idea. I could give Miss O’Donnell a lesson in how it’s done if that would be of help.’
‘And will you be there to catch me when I fall off?’ Amy asked.
I guess that she had noticed that I was no taller or much stronger than she was.
‘I’m sure that someone will always be around to make sure that you’re seated correctly and that Moonbeam is nice and calm,’ I replied.
‘What’s your name?’ asked Amy.
‘Nick Stevens.’
'Very well, Nick Stevens, I have a couple of hours to spare before my costume fitting this afternoon, I’ll come back at 2.00 o’clock for a lesson from you and see how I get on.’
I looked across to Frank and he nodded to confirm that it was alright.
Amy then added as an afterthought, ‘and you can stop calling me Miss O’Donnell; call me Amy.’
I nodded and went bright red. The party moved on to look at other features of the location, and I returned to tending the remaining animals.
‘Moonbeam isn’t a brute, she’s one of the gentlest ponies I’ve known,’ I thought to myself, but at the same time I felt quite in awe at having spoken to the famous Amy O’Donnell. What is more I would soon be giving her a riding lesson. That would be something to tell the two guys that I shared a room with when I got home later that evening.
At 4.15 pm I was about to start unsaddling Moonbeam, when Frank Wilson and his assistant came back in, this time without the rest of their entourage.
‘Well Nick, how did Amy get on this afternoon?’ he asked.
‘She left half an hour ago, as she had to go for a costume fitting,’ I replied.
‘Yes, I know that, but how did she manage on the horse?’
‘Well I wouldn’t describe her as a natural horsewoman, but I showed her how to grip the saddle with her thighs. She should be safe enough so long as she can stick to a gentle trot.’
‘What do you think, Joan?’ he asked his assistant.
‘There is the hunt scene where her horse will be required to canter, to keep up with the other riders. We weren’t planning to have any daredevil shots of her leaping over bushes or ditches or anything like that, but she will need to be in shot at the beginning and end of the scene,’ she replied.
‘When does that scene appear in the schedule?’
‘Wednesday or Thursday of next week, if all goes to plan.’
In that case, we might think about looking for a stand-in for those two scenes, but we’ll deduct the additional cost from her fee,’ Frank continued.
‘I’ll try but I’m not sure where I’m going to get a stunt double at such short notice? This is Amy’s first film, so we can’t go to Spotlight and look at the pictures of half a dozen look-alikes for Amy O’Donnell.’
‘Maybe we could re-organise the schedule to give us a few more days before she’s expected to do anything too energetic.’
‘We can delay for one day, if absolutely necessary, but after that it is going to be costly if I have to reschedule the extras. I’ll do my best to find someone, but it isn’t going to be easy. I just wish that they’d raised this issue before now.’
‘That’s young actors for you. You can see that she lacks experience of these matters, but her assistant should have pointed out her commitment to her.’
Frank then turned to me once again. ‘Look Nick, I’ll have a word with your boss, I want you to concentrate on Moonbeam and be available whenever Amy is filming over the next two weeks. There’s a lot of money a stake on this film and we can’t afford to have the whole crew waiting around for Amy O’Donnell.’
‘What about the other horses?’ I asked.
‘I’m hoping that one of your colleagues will be able to look after them. You just concentrate on making sure that Amy is happy and doesn’t fall off her horse.’
‘I’ll do my best, Mr Wilson, Moonbeam is a favourite of mine, and I also found that Amy was nice once you get her on her own.’
Frank smiled at the comparison and the couple were about to leave, when, almost exactly on cue, a very angry looking Amy O’Donnell, re-appeared in the stables followed by Sue Evans, the Costume and Makeup Supervisor. She was looking even more beautiful than before, now dressed in a royal blue silk Victorian riding habit with a matching Porkpie hat, sporting a purple ribbon. The outfit had a voluminous long skirt split at the back, a matching long-sleeved silk jacket and a white lace blouse. Her cheeks were flushed and her lovely long black hair hung down her back. She came straight over to me, ignoring the presence of the director and his assistant.
‘If you’re so clever, Mr Nick Stevens, perhaps you’ll explain to me how I’m expected to ride side saddle whilst having to wear this ridiculous outfit.’
I hesitated, not sure how to answer her.
‘It isn’t a ridiculous outfit; it’s a Victorian ladies’ riding habit. That’s what they wore to go riding in the 1860s, and 1870s’ interposed Sue Evans. ‘It is specially designed to enable the wearer to ride side-saddle.’
‘You hook your legs around the two pommels, as I showed you earlier,’ I said.
‘Alright, you put on the skirt and show me,’ she said beginning to unbutton it.
I looked around unsure what to do.
‘Go on then, take off your trousers and put this on,’ she demanded.
I had no idea whether to obey her instruction.
‘Would you mind giving us a demonstration, please Nick, so we can judge for ourselves?’ asked Frank.
I reluctantly took off my trousers and handed them to Sue and took the offered skirt from Amy, leaving her in a long white petticoat. Fortunately, I had roughly the same height and waist measurements as she did and so had no difficulty putting on the skirt. We both now looked absurd, like one of those children’s picture books where you can turn half the page to create incongruous top and bottom halves. There was a brown warehouse coat hanging on a hook in the stall.
‘Would you like to put this on? I said to her.
Sue took it and handed it to Amy in exchange for the riding jacket and pork-pie hat.
‘Here you’d better put this on as well, whilst you are at it,’ said Sue, handing me the jacket and then helping me to put it on.
I felt very self-conscious, dressed in a Victorian lady’s riding habit, as I led the pony out of her stall and into the yard. I noticed that we’d attracted a few interested glances from other members of the film crew who were working on various wiring and construction jobs nearby. I brought over a mounting block and placed it next Moonbeam.
‘I’m going to need someone to help me up on to the saddle,’ I said.
Frank helped me to mount, whilst Amy held the bridle and calmed the pony. Frank placed my left foot in the single stirrup and I put my right leg over one of the two pommels that would enable me to maintain a firm grip on the saddle. Sue arranged part of the voluminous skirt to cover the saddle and let the remainder of it fall to cover my legs. Amy handed me the reins, and as soon as I was seated securely, I gave a slight tug and Moonbeam began to walk then trot around the stable yard whilst the others looked on. Having completed a couple of circuits, I returned to the little group of spectators.
‘You see, it’s just a question of practice,’ I said to Amy. ‘You can maintain a good grip on the saddle with your legs and it is no more dangerous than riding astride. She’s a lovely pony to ride. Would you like to try?’
‘She may be a lovely pony but I’m still not so sure,’ said Amy.
‘Can somebody help me to dismount now please?’ I asked.
‘No, please stay where you are for the time being,’ said Frank. ‘Would you be able to manage to ride at a canter whilst you’re wearing that skirt?’
‘Not in the yard, but it ought to be easy enough to do so in the field outside,’ I replied.
‘Will you show us, please, Nick?’
Before I started again, Amy handed me the ladies’ pork-pie hat with the ribbon that she had previously been wearing.
‘Here, put this on as well, you’ll look great wearing it,’ she said, with a smile and a wink.
I instructed Moonbeam to ‘walk on’ until we reached the entrance to the yard, followed by a growing group of interested spectators. As soon as we were beyond the farm buildings Moonbeam began to accelerate, first to a trot and then a canter. She seemed willing to go faster still, if I had allowed her to do so. There was no doubt that she was a steady and well-behaved pony who was happy to be ridden side-saddle and I had no difficulty in maintaining my seat.
As soon as we reached the far end of the field, I turned her round and let her accelerate to a full-gallop across the length of the field with my long blue skirt billowing in the wind as we did so. Moonbeam leapt over a small drainage ditch in the middle of the field and the hat went flying but she landed well. It must have appeared quite impressive and the performance elicited some applause and a couple of wolf whistles from members of the crew, who had come to watch, until Frank became aware of the additional onlookers. He asked one to go and retrieve the hat and instructed the remainder to get on with whatever they had been doing.
Eventually, Moonbeam and I returned to the stables and I was at last helped to dismount.
‘Sorry about the hat,’ I said grinning cheekily.
Amy was the first to respond.
‘You can sue me if you like, but there’s no way that I'm going to risk my neck by riding like that,’ she said, addressing Frank.
He didn’t respond to her but rather turned to talk to his assistant and Sue Evans, the Costume and Makeup Supervisor.
‘Sue, is there any way that your people could get this guy to resemble Amy enough for him to be able to stand-in for her during the equestrian scenes?’
I will endeavour to publish one chapter of about this length each week. I have never worked on a film set or ridden side saddle so if there are any glaring errors please let me know either in the comments or by personal message.
Louise
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Sometimes life has a habit of creeping up on you and sending you careering down a different and unexpected trajectory.
Copyright © 2021 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Sue Evans, the costume and makeup supervisor, did not seem to be surprised by the director’s question to her whether it might be realistic for me to serve as a temporary body-double for Amy O’Donnell.
‘When are the equestrian scenes due to be shot?’ she asked.
Joan now answered, looking at the schedule on her clip board.
‘There are some general equestrian scenes, with dialogue in front of the house, scheduled for Tuesday and Wednesday of next week and then the main hunt scene in the countryside will be over two days the week after.’
Sue looked at me for a moment before replying to Frank’s question.
‘I suppose they are roughly the same height and general build. He has broader shoulders and narrower hips than Amy, and is lacking the boobs, of course. However, the sleeves of the riding jacket should disguise the shoulders and we can always add a little padding for the hips and boobs. Fortunately, we have brought a spare riding costume with us in case of accidents.‘
‘So, do you think that it could be done?’ asked Joan who was beginning to realise what her boss had in mind.
‘He won’t be the first guy that we have turned into a stunt double for an actress. The main problem will be with his hair,’ Sue continued, thinking aloud. ‘Amy is well=known for her long thick and naturally black hair so we haven’t prepared any wigs for her but we intend to style her own hair each morning. We would therefore have to dye his hair to match hers and put in extensions. The clip-on ones aren’t going to be secure enough if he’s going to be riding like that so I think the best answer will be for us to use the micro ring type.’
‘What’s wrong with that?’ asked Frank.
‘Nothing, but it isn’t the sort of task that we would be able to do on the set each morning. We are going to have our work cut out to ensure that their costumes and makeup are identical, as it is. If you want to proceed with your plan we would have to sort out the hair extensions tomorrow, and then he’ll have to keep them in place for the duration of the filming.’
‘But it could be done?’ re-iterated Frank.
‘I don’t see why not.’
‘What do you think Joan?’
‘There have been a number of successful male stand-ins for actresses in the past, even ones who are a lot more macho looking than Nick is. I think we could probably get away with it, and it would certainly save us a deal of trouble and expense in looking for someone else to fill the gap.’
Frank now turned to address the young starlet in a serious voice.
‘Now listen, young lady, it looks as if this guy here may be able to help avert a disaster for both your career and my reputation, but if we do so we’re going to need your willing co-operation over the next two weeks.’
Amy did not flare up at being spoken to in this way, but merely looked relieved by the news.
‘Yes, I can see that. I’ll co-operate in any way I can.’
‘Good! For a start it seems as if he’s going to need to have the same hair style as you for the next ten days or so.’
Amy turned one of her sweet smiles to me.
‘In that case, he should look quite cute.’
The one person who hadn’t been consulted in all this exchange was me, still standing next to Moonbeam and dressed in Amy’s riding habit. I naturally overheard the discussions that were going on around me but had been too shy to contribute to the conversation. However, I at last plucked up sufficient courage to speak out.
‘Hang on a minute; what about me? Don’t I get a say in the matter? I asked.
Frank looked up at me in surprise.
‘What’s the trouble? Don’t you want to take part in a movie?’ he said.
‘Well, maybe, I wouldn’t object to the horse riding but there is no way that I’d be able to go back to my lodgings with long black hair every night for the next fortnight.’
‘Why not? I do,’ said Amy with a mischievous grin.
‘Where are you staying at the moment, Nick?’ Frank asked.
‘I share a room in the village with two other guys who look after the horses. Goodness knows what they’ll think of me when they find out that I’m going to be standing in for Amy O’Donnell.’
‘I expect they’ll be most envious of you, especially when they discover that we will be paying you as an extra for the next two weeks that you are filming which is probably more than double what you are currently earning,’ said Frank.
I took a moment to think about the implications of the offer. Meanwhile Amy and her manager were having a whispered conversation together. At last she turned to speak to the director.
‘Frank, I don’t want this story getting into the press if we can avoid it, so I don’t want a guy with my hair style wandering to and from the village each day. I have a spare bedroom in my caravan since my personal assistant has left and I haven’t yet had a chance to appoint a replacement. He can probably use that if he promises to behave himself.’
‘So, Nick, would you be willing to act as Miss O’Donnell’s body-double for the next two weeks whenever she is scheduled to be riding?’ asked Frank.
Like all the other members of the crew I had sometimes wondered what it would be like to cross the line and appear in front of the camera, but the idea of standing-in for a budding starlet had never entered my mind. On the other hand, I enjoyed riding Moonbeam and knew that I was probably capable of doing everything that they would require of me.
‘Come on Nick, it’ll be good fun,’ said Amy with an encouraging smile.
I was going to need some extra money when the job was over and I could hardly refuse that smile and a direct invitation from Amy.
‘Alright, so long as the story can be kept out of the press.’
‘I couldn’t agree more,’ she replied.
There seemed to be a feeling of relief among most of the spectators, although there were also some lingering doubts on my part of the wisdom of the idea.
‘Joan, can you make the necessary arrangements and sort out a contract. Nick, I suggest that you now give Moonbeam a rub-down and see her settled for the night and then get yourself ready to move to your new accommodation first thing tomorrow morning,’ said Frank.
‘OK, but may I have my trousers back first please.’
Sue, who had been holding my trousers for me during the demonstration, handed them to me. I took off the skirt, jacket and hat and handed them back to Amy and put on my trousers.
‘Will you both come to the hairdressing caravan tomorrow morning at 8.30 and we can make a start on sorting out Nick’s hair?’ said Sue.
‘I guess so,’ I replied.
‘I’ll see you tomorrow morning then Nick, or maybe it should be Nicola for the next two weeks,’ said Amy giving me another mischievous wink.
My only response was to blush.
I was right when I foresaw that I would come in for a combination of incredulity and ribald comments when I told my two colleagues about the job offer made to me, later that evening.
‘I‘d heard from one of the electricians that you’d been riding Moonbeam, dressed in a long skirt and with a fancy hat,’ said Alan, one of my two room-mates; ‘but I assumed he was winding me up.’
I couldn’t stop myself from blushing but it was now too late for me to deny anything.
‘No, it is true. Amy O’Donnell was worried about riding side-saddle and so I’ve been given the chance of riding in her place.’
‘Dressed as a girl?’ he asked.
‘Yes, of course, there would be no point, otherwise.’
‘No, I suppose not.’
‘It will only be for the long shots, she’ll take my place for any close-ups or when there is any dialogue involved.’
‘Where did you learn to ride side-saddle?’ asked Joe, my second flat-mate.
‘I’ve taught myself over the last couple of weeks. I knew that Moonbeam was intended for this role and so I’ve been helping her to get used to the idea.’
‘Aren’t you worried about what people might think of you?’ he asked.
‘What people do you mean?’
He shrugged.
‘Your colleagues, your family.’
I shrugged my shoulders.
‘My mother lives hundreds of miles away and I’ve no idea where my dad is. As far as my colleagues are concerned, why should it matter to me what they think, after a couple of weeks I won’t see any of them again?’
‘I suppose you will at least be able to claim that you ‘got into Amy O’Donnell’s knickers,’ even if it isn’t perhaps in the same way that most guys would have in mind,’ added Alan.
I was beginning to get irritated with the way the conversation was going so decided not to prolong it.
‘I found her to be quite friendly when I was giving her a riding lesson.’
‘That’s because she saw you as no threat, dressed the way you were.’
‘Actually, the lesson took place before there was any suggestion that I might act as a stand-in for her,’ I replied.
‘Ooh, hark at her!’ said Alan in an exaggeratedly camp voice.
As Frank had predicted, my flat mates were rather envious of me and so I thought it best not to mention that I would be expected to retain the long hair for the duration of the filming. No doubt they would find out soon enough but by then I would have moved on.
‘I am going to need to live on location to get ready each morning,’ I announced.
‘We have already handed over the rent until the end of the shoot and so I doubt if you’ll get a refund,’ said Joe.
‘I realise that, but it will be ok as I’ve been offered somewhere to stay on set.;
I didn’t bother to mention, however, that henceforth I would be staying in Amy’s caravan. Soon afterward I began to packing my things ready to move out the following morning.
The one thing that anyone working on a film set quickly learns is punctuality, since it is both unprofessional and costly to keep other members of the cast and crew waiting. Thus, when I turned up at the makeup caravan at the appointed time, the following morning, I found that Sue and her two assistants were already there chatting with Amy.
‘Good morning, I hope I’m not late,’ I said putting down my canvas bag in a corner of the caravan, out of the way.
‘No, you’re bang on time, we were all a few minutes early,’ said Amy with a smile.
It was a Sunday and so there was no other filming taking place on the set and no other artists for them to get ready, although there was a certain amount of scenery erection and set dressing going on in preparation for the next day’s filming schedule.
Sue made a start by addressing me.
‘OK Nick, my instructions are to turn you into as convincing a twin of Amy as is possible without resorting to surgery. I’m afraid that is going to involve both hair extensions and false boobs that will have to remain in place for the duration of filming. But don’t worry we won’t be causing you any permanent injury.’
‘But that doesn’t rule out temporary injury?’ I observed.
She smiled.
‘I’m sure there won’t be any injury, unless you count plucking your eyebrows and piercing your ears. We may need to make a few, shall we say, ‘adjustments’ to your looks although nothing which won’t grow back or be put right after a couple of weeks, although you are inevitably going to look a little more, shall we say, ‘feminine’, for the next week or two.’
‘But I thought they only planned to film me from the back, or in long shot.’
‘That’s probably all the footage that will make it into the finished film, but they want to play safe, so we will do as convincing a job as we can, just in case.’
‘In case of what?’ I asked.
‘Now then Nick, don’t argue with the lady, after all, I don’t want someone who looks like a guy standing in for me,’ Amy said, giving me another of her nicest smiles.
I didn’t respond, thinking that since I’d come this far there was probably not a lot I could do to object. Sue appeared to take this lack of response as my agreement to her plans.
‘Before we start on your hair we will need to take a series of photographs of the two of you, both standing and sitting next to one another, full-face and in profile, she continued. ‘We will include several close ups of your faces, so we can see exactly what needs to be done to turn Nick into a passable double for Amy this morning. We are only going to need you for about half an hour, Amy, but we would also like to compare the two of you in costume this afternoon. Would you be able come back at about three o’clock, please?’
‘That’ll suit me fine, I’ve some shopping that I need to do in Salisbury later this morning, but I’ll make sure that I’m back by two o’clock.’
Over the next half an hour Sue took a dozen or more digital photos of the pair of us in full-face, profile and even from the back. Amy was used to being photographed, me much less so. I attempted to copy her poses as much as I could. Once Sue had finished and was satisfied, she proceeded to download them to a tablet computer and displayed them next to one another on the screen so they could easily be compared.
‘It’s surprising, you two aren’t so dramatically different in stature, apart from the boobs, of course,’ commented Sandra, one of the two assistants.
I couldn’t help but notice that Amy was quite well endowed in that respect, and I wondered whether she’d had some enhancement.
‘Their eye colouring is also the same, which will save us having to worry about tinted contact lenses. However, we’ll need to make some adjustments to the shape of Nick’s eyebrows and dye his hair, although makeup should take care of the rest,’ added Sue, talking to her two assistants.
‘At least he has a slim neck and no trace of an Adam’s Apple,’ said Frances, the second assistant.
‘Me neither,’ added Amy, smiling.
‘What shoe size do you take, Nick?’ asked Sue.
‘Six and a half, I’ve always had fairly small feet,’ I answered, blushing a little.
‘That’s almost the same size as me. Maybe you should have been a girl, after all,’ said Amy with a wicked grin.
‘Maybe you should have been a boy,’ I responded at last beginning to regain a little of my self-confidence.
Amy shrugged her shoulders, ‘I’ve always been conscious of having feet that are a little on the large size but at least my boobs are the real thing.’
‘The actual physical differences between the sexes are never as clear cut as some people assume, and they tend to be on a spectrum rather than at the opposite poles,’ commented Sue. ‘That’s why we tend to use costume design, hairstyles and makeup to enhance some features or disguise others. I think we should be able to turn Nick into an attractive looking young lady, but equally we could have turned Amy into a convincing young man, if it had been required.’
‘Alright Amy, we’ve now finished with you until this afternoon,’ said Sue
‘Before you go, Amy, may we take a small sample of your hair to do a colour match, when we come to dye Nick’s hair and the extensions,’ said Sandra. ‘We’ll take it from where it won’t show.’
‘No problem.’
As Amy was getting ready to leave us, she noticed my bag in the corner.
‘Would you like me to take your bags back to my caravan Nick?’ she asked.
‘Yes please, if you don’t mind,’ I replied.
‘OK I’ll now leave you in the hands of these two but expect to see a beautiful young lady when I return.”
Many thanks for the comments and corrections everyone. Feel free to keep them coming. I hope to submit Chapter 3 next Friday.
Louise
![]() |
Sometimes life has a habit of creeping up on you and sending you careering down a different and unexpected trajectory.
Copyright © 2021 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Chapter 3
As soon as Amy had left us, I was invited to strip and put on a pair of knickers followed by some control briefs with some padding already sewn in.
‘Try these for today – they will give a better shape to your hips and buttocks that we are looking for. We won’t expect you to wear them all the time, just when you are in costume, said Sue.
I followed her instructions.
‘Before Sandra makes a start on your hair, I’d like Frances to wax your legs and arms and use some depilatory cream on your armpits.’
‘Is that really necessary, after all they aren’t going to be visible under the costume?’
‘Nick, you have agreed to go ahead with this and are being paid extra to do so, so please don’t question our decisions. Just be assured that anything we do today can either be undone or else will grow back within a short time of you finishing work.’
‘Sorry, I promise not to ask any more questions.’
‘By all means, ask us to explain what we are doing, but please accept that we both know what we are doing. If we do a good job today, you are likely to be more useful not only when they are actually filming but during lighting rehearsals or when they are planning shots’
‘Of course, you’re the professionals, so go ahead and do your worst.’
She smiled.
‘No we’ll do our best to turn you into a suitable stand-in for Amy.
The body waxing was not as bad as I had expected and once it was over I was surprised to discover that it felt quite pleasant to have smooth arms and legs.
‘Unfortunately, we aren’t going to have time to prepare you some tailored prosthetic breasts but we have some silicone forms which are of the right size and weight. I’m afraid we’ll need to glue them in place so they don’t become dislodged whilst you’re riding, but we’ll take them off at the end of each week of filming and replace them later. Now lie down on this couch.’
I didn’t say anything whilst Sue carefully affixed the two forms and disguised the joins with concealer. I merely watched in fascination.
‘How long can they stay in place?’ I eventually asked
‘Probably for a week or more unless they begin to feel sore before then. You should be able to wear them in the shower but you will have to learn how to disguise the joins for yourself afterwards.’
‘I’ll do my best.’
‘OK I should like you to hold each breast in place and sit up for a minute or two whilst the glue cures properly.’
I followed her instructions, but eventually was told I could let them go. The two breasts flopped down and appeared to grow in size as they did so, creating a respectable looking cleavage. I got up and walked over to examine my new appendages in the full-length mirror, feeling them wobble as I did so. It was just as well I’d been offered alternative accommodation and wouldn’t be required to return to my digs in the village after work each evening.
‘So what do you think of your new boobs young lady?’ asked Sue, looking over my shoulder.
Sue had said the words ‘young lady’ quite unconsciously as if she was now beginning to think of me in that way.
‘I don’t know what to say. I’ve not really had much experience with breasts before either as a participant or as an onlooker’ I replied.
She smiled at my choice of words.
‘Well they look pretty realistic to me although we’ll have to check on them next weekend. Here, you can put this on for the time being as it will help to keep them in place and under control,’ she said handing me a bra.
‘I’m not sure how to put a bra on’; I admitted shamefacedly.
She smiled again, but not in an nasty way.
‘You have led a sheltered life! There are several different ways of doing so. I put my arm through each of the arm holes and the straps on my shoulders, then insert each breast into the relevant cup, lean forward a little and reach back and insert the relevant hooks into the eyes.’
I did my best to follow her instructions, but it was rather fiddly doing so.
‘Is that alright?’ I asked.
‘Not quite, you have not lined up the right hook with each eye,’ she said correcting my mistake, and then adjusting the straps so that they provided me with the necessary support.
‘Other women do it up at the back first and then put their arms in the straps. You’ll soon get the hang of putting it on,’ she said.
‘Will I have to wear a bra when I’m filming?’ I asked.
‘No that would be an anachronism, bras were patented in 1914 but weren’t widely used until the 1920s, prior to that women wore stays to support their breasts. However, I would like you to wear one when you are not in costume to avoid putting a strain on the adhesive that is holding your boobs in place. We’ll provide you with a set of underclothes from the costume stores and of course whatever you need to wear when you’re filming, but after that your clothing will be your own responsibility.’
I did not respond, unsure what to think.
‘So how does it feel to have a woman’s body, above the waist?’ she asked.
‘It feels a little unusual to have something pressing on my chest, but I can see that it does provide support and helps to keep the boobs under control.’
Sue now handed me a pink satin dressing gown.
‘You can wear this whilst my two colleagues make some further amendments to your appearance. I have to go now but I’ll look in again at lunch time to see how you are getting on. Remember what I said before; they do know what they are doing.'
I took the garment and put it on, admiring myself in the mirror as I did so.
Over the next three and a half hours Sandra washed, trimmed and dyed my already longish hair. Before it was entirely dry she began to comb a parting at the rear of my head, which she held in place with some grips. She then separated several groups of strands of my natural hair using a plastic shield to hold them in place. From a packet, she pulled out several swatches of long black hair each of which had a nylon loop attached to a metal bead with a nylon lining. She slid the loop over each group of strands of hair and pulled one end until my hair was inserted into the bead, which was then slid to near my scalp. Once it was in place, Sandra flattened the bead using a pair of pliers. The swatch was now securely attached to the strands. She gradually worked her way across the back of my head inserting eight or nine swatches in a row, before removing the grips and my hair fell back into place entirely covering the joins.
‘These may feel a little uncomfortable at first as your hair begins to dry, but they should be alright by the time you begin filming tomorrow. It is important for us to get the braids as tight to your scalp as possible so that the extensions will be more secure,’ Sandra commented.
Having completed the first row she created three further rows at the back and sides of my head and attached a swatch to each strand and fixed it into place. I just sat and watched, wondering what I had let myself in for, and gradually over the next couple of hours I felt the increased weight of long hair which now reached down to my breasts.
‘How easy is it going to be to take these out?’ I asked.
‘Don’t worry about that, we will sort you out once you have finished filming.’
Whilst Sandra was doing her work, Frances manicured and put clear polish on to my fingernails but decided against fitting extensions as my nails were already reasonably long for a guy and, in any event, I was going to be wearing riding gloves during the equestrian scenes.
‘I’m afraid I am now going to pierce your ears, Nick, but it doesn’t hurt.’
I wondered whether my ears would be visible beneath these new long tresses but then remembered that Amy had her hair tied back when she wore her riding habit.
‘Go ahead, I have been warned.’
‘We shall insert some studs which will enable us to attach earrings, if necessary.’
She took out a spring-loaded gun and I felt a slight pinching session in each ear and the job was done.
‘Your ears may feel a little uncomfortable tonight, and you will need to swab them with antiseptic each night and morning for the next week, but the holes will quickly close up again once we take out the studs when we have finished filming.’
By this time, Sandra had finished her work putting in my hair extensions and gave my new hair style a final trim, referring as she did so to the close-up pictures of Amy’s hair. She then put in some heated rollers.
‘I’ll make the last few finishing touches to your hair when Amy comes in after lunch. How does it feel to have long hair?’
‘My scalp feels slightly uncomfortable but it is a nice feeling to have long hair,’ I commented as I looked at myself in the mirror.
‘The discomfort will disappear after a few hours, but you’re going to have to learn how to look after your hair, especially at night, otherwise it will get tangled and will be difficult to deal with in the mornings. Ask Amy if she’ll show you what she does to her own hair each night before going to bed and when she gets up. Ideally you should do the same.’
‘Alright then.’
Whilst all this was going on, Joan, the assistant producer came in to check on progress and to bring a couple of release forms and a new contract for me to sign.
‘Wow, you’re really beginning to look like a girl, much more attractive than I feared,’ she commented.
‘I suppose I should thank you for that compliment,’ I replied, ‘even if it does mean that I will look most odd when I am not filming.
‘OK Nick we are offering you two weeks of work as an extra starting from today. You will receive double your existing salary, which does mean that we can call upon you as necessary during that period even on those days when you will not be filming.’
‘How many days will I be needed on set?’
‘I can’t say for sure at the moment. It will depend on how we get on with the filming, but I would imagine it will be eight or nine.’
‘Alright where do I sign?’ I asked.
I signed the contract ‘N. Stevens,’ and handed it back.
‘I will also issue you with a new photo id, this time in the name of Nicola Stevens so you shouldn’t have any difficulty with security personnel,’ she said taking a head and shoulders picture of the new me with her phone.
Sue returned at quarter to one bringing us some sandwiches from the catering caravan, and so we stopped to have lunch together.
‘How’s it going?’ she asked me.
‘Not too bad I guess, my scalp and my ear lobes are uncomfortable but your colleagues assure me that I should be alright by tomorrow.’
‘How about your boobs?’
‘They feel fine, a little bit strange but not uncomfortable.’
‘Try to avoid getting them wet this evening, if you can, until the glue is completely dry. After that they should be safe enough in the shower.’
‘I usually shower at night but I guess having a wash tonight and showering tomorrow morning instead won’t do me any harm for once.’
‘Good, but make sure you wear a shower cap tomorrow morning we don’t want your new long hair to get wet otherwise we may not be able to get it dry in time.’
‘What else needs to be done?’ Sue asked Sandra.
‘We have two hours to reshape his brows to correspond with Amy and put in some lash extensions, before a final check on his hair as soon as Amy comes back.’
‘How long will it take for my eyebrows to grow back afterwards?’ I asked Sandra.
‘We’re not intending to shave them off, just pluck a few stray hairs to give a more feminine shape to your brow. It usually takes between eight and sixteen weeks for them to grow back fully.
‘I hope I don’t end up looking too girly or I may have difficulty in finding another job afterwards.’
‘There should be some regrowth after about four weeks which you will be able to enhance by using an eyebrow pencil.’
‘What are lash extensions?’ I asked Sue.
‘We will glue synthetic hairs to a proportion of your eyelashes to create the effect of your having longer and fuller lashes, like Amy. It will save us time each morning as we will no longer need to fit you with false eyelashes.’
I guess she could see from my face that I was a little anxious about the prospect.
‘Don’t worry, Nick, there’s no discomfort involved and they will gradually fall out over the next three to four weeks as your existing lashes are naturally replaced.
‘Will they affect my eyes in any way?’ he asked.
‘They shouldn’t do so. You may find that your eyes flutter a little more to begin with but you’ll quickly get used to them. You will need to keep your eyes dry for the first 24 hours otherwise there is a danger that the glue will become tacky and your lashes will start to clump together.’
‘How am I going to do that?’
‘We will loan you some swimming goggles to wear when you wash tonight and shower tomorrow morning, after that they should be alright.’
I found the process of having my eyes ‘adjusted’ to involve a mixture of pain and pleasure as I lay back on the couch with one assistant working on each eye. Sandra worked on shaping my eyebrows, periodically referring to a close-up shot of Amy’s eyes and giving periodic sharp tugs to remove stray hairs. I'd no idea that they would wish to go into such detail.
‘Amy has darker hair colouring than you, and so I’ll have to darken your brows to match hers,’ she commented.
At the same time, Frances got on with the fiddly task of gluing tiny black lash extension on to my existing lashes. This was entirely a pleasurable experience involving no discomfort as she first covered my lower lashes with a cotton pad to enable her to work on the upper ones and afterwards reversed the procedure.
‘I’ll provide you with an eyelash brush to use each morning and evening to help keep them straight and separated,’ she said. ‘If you want to use any makeup at other times, please avoid using a mascara that is oil-based as that can affect the glue.’
‘I wasn’t planning on wearing makeup at any other times,’ I replied, slightly surprised.
‘That’s a pity, because I think you would look pretty good as a twenty-first century girl,’ suggested Frances with a smile.
I did not reply as I was unsure what I thought about that comment.
Thanks for the comments and corrections, everyone. Please feel free to keep them coming.
Louise
![]() |
Sometimes life has a habit of creeping up on you and sending you careering down a different and unexpected trajectory.
Copyright © 2021 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
As promised, Amy arrived back at three o'clock, dressed in her riding costume, accompanied by Frank and Joan, his personal Assistant. Amybrought with her a couple of plastic carrier bags which she put down on the floor in one corner of the caravan.
‘How’s the patient doing?’ she asked.
‘Take a look for yourself,’ replied Frances, indicating me as I was just being helped by Sandra to put on the finishing touches to the spare riding costume and examining their efforts in the full-length mirror. I think everyone (including me) was astounded at how convincing I now looked. I was not an exact double of Amy but there was a marked similarity in our appearance in terms of build, clothing and hairstyle. I didn’t doubt that I would be able to be mistaken for Amy in all but closeups.’
‘Wow just look at you, Nicola, you could almost be my sister,’ Amy said with a smile.
I blushed slightly not knowing what to say in reply.
Frank turned to Sue and her two assistants, 'I think you three have done a very good job, I think she looks wonderful.’
It appeared that I would have to get used to everyone referring to me in this, although Frank noticed my embarrassment.
‘I hope you won’t mind if we call you ‘Nicola’ and refer to you as ‘she’ from now on when you’re dressed like that. It will be less embarrassing for all concerned,’ he said.
‘I guess not,’ I replied tentatively, ‘so long as you go back to referring to me as ‘Nick’ and ‘he’ once again when I am wearing my guys’ clothes once again.’
Amy and Sandra exchanged glances but no-one else appeared to notice,
‘Yes, of course, but it will make everyone’s life a lot less complicated to think of you as ‘she’ when you are on set, continued Frank. ‘I’ll be speaking to the crew and the other performers to ensure that there are no snide jokes about you, derogatory comments or mis-gendering when you arrive on set tomorrow morning.’
‘Thanks, that would probably make life less embarrassing for me’ I said.
‘You certainly look the part, but how does it feel to be dressed as a Victorian lady?’ asked Joan.
I shrugged.
‘My hair extensions and ears are a little bit uncomfortable, but I’m told that will soon wear off. Having these boobs also feels a little odd, but I guess I’ll eventually get used to them together with these clothes,’ I replied.
‘Well at least you won’t have to wear the ridiculous long dresses and corsets that I’ll be expected to wear in some of the indoor scenes,’ commented Amy.
‘Looking the way she does, we may yet wish to employ Nicola services as a stand-in in other scenes, assuming she can learn how to display the right gestures and body language,’ muttered Frank to Joan.
I was not sure whether or not I was intended to overhear that comment.
Frank then turned to the group ‘I think that it’s now time that Nicola gave us a further demonstration of her horse-riding skills to prove that all this trouble and expense has been worthwhile.’
Our party made its way over to the stables, where Alan had been told to saddle and prepare Moonbeam. He took one look at me, and another at Amy, and his mouth dropped open in utter disbelief. He did not dare to say anything in front of the Director and one of the main stars, though.
‘Would you get the mounting block and help this young lady into the saddle,’ said Frank gesturing to me.
Alan did as he was instructed and helped me to mount Moonbeam and get securely seated. He then handed me the reins. I smiled and thanked him before starting to ride, initially in the yard and then in the adjoining field.
Over the next quarter of an hour or so I proved that my ability to ride side saddle at different speeds was quite unaffected by the clothes that I was wearing. Once again, I demonstrated that I could retain my seat whilst galloping at full speed and this time jumping over a low hedge.
‘That riding looks pretty impressive, maybe we could change the shooting schedule to incorporate some more shots of Lucy Robarts into hunt scene at the editing stage,’ commented Frank.
‘I’ll talk to the Director of Photography and make sure that we have a variety of action shots in the can, for the final edit,’ replied Joan.
‘When are we planning to begin filming the hunt scene?’ he asked
She consulted her clip board.
‘In ten days from now assuming that everything has gone to plan.’
‘That should give him plenty of time to make any necessary alterations to the schedule.’
Eventually I returned to the group, was helped to dismount by Alan and once again thanked him with a smile. I also gave a gentle pat to Moonbeam before leaving him with Alan and walking over to join the group of onlookers, now feeling far more confident than before.
‘Well done, young lady. So that seems to be another problem solved,’ said Frank, then turning to Joan, 'What time will we need them both on set tomorrow?’
She consulted her schedule.
‘We’re planning to begin a lighting rehearsal at 8.00am so we could really do with the actors by 8.30am.
‘That will mean a 7.00am start in costume and makeup, I’m afraid. At least until we are used to dealing with the two of you together,’ said Sue.
Frank and Joan moved on to deal with other problems elsewhere on the set and Alan led Moonbeam back to the stables wondering just what had happened to his former roommate. The remainder of the group made its way back to the makeup and costume trailer to enable Amy and I to change out of their costumes. As we were walking back Amy turned towards me
‘Thanks, for everything, Nicola. You don’t know how relieved I am that I won’t now be expected to ride side-saddle.’
‘I’m sure you would have been alright with a little more practice, but I’m also pleased to be able to help,’ I replied.
‘As soon as we’re both changed out of costume you can move your stuff to my caravan before we go and get ourselves some dinner,
I was both surprised and pleased to be addressed in this friendly way by such a famous person. Amy appeared to be both willing to offer me accommodation and also happy to spend time with me.
Amy smiled and walked on, seemingly unsure what she was going to say next. It wasn’t until we were both back at the costume and makeup caravan and were about to begin changing out of our costumes that she made up her mind to speak again.
‘When Sue and her assistants explained to me what they were planning to do with you, this morning, I realised that it wasn’t going to be practicable for you to change back into boy mode at the end of each day’s filming. I’ve therefore bought a few clothes in Salisbury for you to wear when you’re not on the set. Don’t worry, I haven’t bought anything too girly, just some smart casual clothes for you to wear around the caravan or if we’re seen outside together.’
‘Nobody said anything to me yesterday about dressing as a girl when I wasn’t filming,’ I replied anxiously.
‘I know that, but be realistic; with that long hair, those boobs and your lovely long eyelashes, you can hardly avoid looking like a girl, whatever clothes you choose to wear off set. Also, as Frank said, you're going to need to learn to adopt female mannerisms and gestures. I shan’t be expecting you to wear high-heels or frilly dresses or anything like that, but it will be a lot less embarrassing for me if the press or other visitors to the set don’t start asking why Amy O’Donnell’s stand-in is always dressed in men’s clothes.’
I hesitated unsure what to say in reply. I was still somewhat in awe of Amy and didn’t want to argue outright. Once she saw that I was not going to argue every point she continued talking.
‘I’ve bought a nice dark red trouser suit with a pink silk blouse which should be just right for you. I’ve also got a pair of low- heeled sling-backs for you to wear in the evenings. I’ve brought them with me,’ she said pointing to the plastic bag that she’d brought to the caravan, earlier.
‘Would you at least like to try them on once after we’ve changed out of our costumes?’
‘But how did you know what size to get?’
Amy laughed.
‘Because you’re the same size as me, that was the whole point of employing you.’
‘I won’t be able to afford to repay you for them,’ I replied.
‘I realise that, but as it was partly due to my mistake that you’re now having to look like a girl for the next fortnight; the least I can do is to provide you with a few clothes to wear in the evenings.’
Again, I did not reply immediately as I was turning over in my mind the implications of what she was suggesting. Amy therefore turned to the costume manager who was standing behind her.
‘What do you think, Sue?’ she asked.
‘Well, I suppose it’s up to Nick or Nicola what he or she chooses to wear when not on set, but I can see your point, Amy’.
Sue then turned to me: ‘it would be a shame to waste the money that Amy has spent. Why not at least try them on, and then make your decision? We’ll let you know whether they look alright, on you.’
‘Very well then,’ I replied.
‘Good!’ said Amy. ‘And what’s more, if you do decide to wear the outfit this evening, I’ll treat you to dinner in a local restaurant. There is rather a nice country pub that serves meals, only a couple of miles away.’
Half an hour later we returned to Amy’s caravan, with me now dressed in the trouser suit and sling-backs and carrying the clothes that Nick had worn earlier that morning in the plastic carrier bag. Amy was carrying another bag containing the various cleansers and moisturisers, a bristle hairbrush, and a shower cap which had all been provided by the makeup girls for me to use.
‘This is where you’re going to be living for the next fortnight,’ said Amy opening the door to a small bedroom. You’ll see that I’ve also bought three different outfits for you and several sets of underclothes for those times when you aren’t filming,’ she said opening the wardrobe.
‘Amy, I’m still not sure about all this.’
‘Why? Don’t you like them?’
‘No, it’s not that. I think they’re all fine, but you seem to want to treat me as a girl.’
Amy sighed.
‘It is nothing personal, but it is going to make life a lot less complicated for us both if I do so. If I were to treat you as a guy I would be anxious that I was giving you, or other people for that matter, the wrong impression. On the other hand, if I think of you as a girl then we can be friends. You can stay in my caravan and we can go out to dinner together without my worrying what people are thinking, or what is going to appear in the gossip columns the next day.’
‘I really don’t believe I would have got the wrong impression,’ I said.
‘Maybe not, but my boyfriend in London would undoubtedly have done so. Also, the gutter press are always on the lookout for a new story to write about me.’
‘I suppose so.’
‘In any event, it is going to be quite difficult for me to think of you as a guy, looking the way you do at the moment,’ she said, smiling.
I looked at myself in the mirror and couldn’t disagree, but I was still unsure about what to do.
‘It’s just that I don’t think that I ought to accept them as I can’t afford to pay you for them.’
‘I’ve already explained that they are a gift – between friends. But if it is really worrying you then I’m sure there will be one or two things you will be able do for me, by way of repayment, especially as Lorna my P.A. is no longer around.’
‘What sort of things?’
‘She used to go through my fan mail for me and in the evenings would go through my scripts with me to help me to learn my lines. You could also give me one or two additional riding lessons when we’re not both required on set.’
‘I should be happy to do that.’
‘Good, so are we agreed that I can put Nick’s belongings into store for the next fortnight?’
I sighed, but now appeared to have lost some of my earlier resolve.
‘Yes, I suppose so.’
‘Great. Now how would you feel about getting ourselves some dinner in the village?’
‘I don’t mind, but nowhere too expensive, if that’s ok with you.’
‘Don’t worry I’ll be putting tonight’s meal down on my expense account.’
‘Thanks.’
‘One thing though, I won’t be expecting you to wear makeup as a rule, but you would look a lot better in that outfit with a little lipstick and some eye shadow. Will you at least do that for me since we are going out together?’
‘I’m afraid I don’t have any makeup, and in any event, Frances told me not to use oil-based mascara.’
Amy smiled and went to her handbag.
‘Don’t worry I bought some suitable colours to match when I purchased the outfit this morning and you don’t need to use mascara on those false eyelashes.’
‘In that case, you had better show me how to put on the lipstick and eye shadow.’
‘Sit down at the mirror and I’ll give you your first ever makeup lesson.’
‘Alright then,’ I said now resigned to accepting whatever she had in store for me.
There aren’t that many people who can claim that their first makeup lesson was given to them by a famous actress. Amy was a competent instructor and within fifteen minutes I was admiring myself in the bedroom mirror, whilst she quickly finished her own face. I had seen myself in the Victorian riding costume but there was no doubt I now looked like a convincing and attractive twenty-first century young lady. I was pleased that I had allowed myself to be persuaded into spending the remainder of the day as Nicola.
Shortly afterwards Amy appeared at my bedroom door and smiled as she noticed me admiring myself.
‘It has turned a little chilly outside, so I’ll loan you a light coat to wear and you had better borrow one of my handbags to carry but I’ll want them both back in due course.’
‘Alright, thanks but what do I need to put in the handbag?’
‘Oh just the usual, your wallet, your keys, some tissues. Maybe you had better also take the lipstick and face powder that I bought for you in case you need to repair your makeup.’
As we were leaving Amy's caravan she handed me a twenty-pound note.
‘I hope you don’t mind but I’ve booked the taxi in your name so please will you pay the driver. It will save any complications if I am recognised. I accepted the money.
‘But what if he recognises me as a guy?’
She smiled. ‘He shouldn’t do so from your looks but try and raise the pitch of your voice a little.’
‘I’ll do my best.’
Amy got out of the taxi first and as I was paying the driver he asked.
‘Excuse me miss, but is that Amy O’Donnell, the tv star that you are travelling with?’
I smiled and confirmed that it was. Nobody had ever referred to me as ‘miss’ before.
Next week: Dinner with Amy!
Thanks for the comments and corrections everyone. Feel free to keep them coming.
Louise
![]() |
Sometimes life has a habit of creeping up on you and sending you careering down a different and unexpected trajectory.
Copyright © 2021 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Amy was right about the pleasant country pub which was not too busy with only three or four tables of diners. We sat in a corner and I discovered that on her own she could be both friendly and amusing company. Although a famous star, she now treated me as if I were one of her friends. We were of a similar age but from entirely different backgrounds and so much of the meal was spent explaining to one another how they’d come to find themselves on a film set in Wiltshire during the summer of 2018.
‘My mother was determined to turn me into a star and made me have acting and singing lessons when I was a young kid. That’s how I got signed up for those television commercials and before I knew it, I’d become quite famous.’
‘Did you enjoy it?
‘Yes and no. Sometimes I wish I’d had a more normal upbringing. Mum even once even tried to enter me in a children’s beauty pageant, but I put my foot down and fortunately Dad took my side and so that never happened again.’
‘But you are happy now?’’
‘I guess so,’ she replied not sounding entirely convinced by her own answer. ‘It is the only life I’ve known.’
Things went quiet for a moment, but then Amy seemed determined to change the subject.
'So how about you, Nicola? What sort of childhood have you had?’
‘I suppose I was happy until I was about six or seven, but then Mum decided that she might have done better with somebody else. She did everything possible to drive Dad out of the house and prevent him from seeing me, even to the extent of making false claims of cruelty. She had some lawyer who got a legal-aid cheque every time she made up a new story, whilst Dad had to pay for his own legal fees, hold down a job, pay for some new accommodation and give her child support. It isn’t surprising that he eventually got disheartened with the whole legal system, left the area and started a new family. We’ve had no contact since then.’
‘But couldn’t you have said something to stop it from happening?
‘Not when you’re so young and don’t really understand what’s happening to you. The family courts always tend to side with the mother and believe her story, especially if she is the only one that is being legally represented. Nobody seemed to be interested in listening to what I thought about things.’
‘And what did you think?’
‘I just wanted things to go back to how they were before, but I gradually realised that was never going to happen. Mum has since had two further guys in tow and had another child with each one. She still gets dissatisfied after a few years. She’s on her own at present, looking after my two half-brothers, but it would never surprise me to find that she has shacked up with yet another guy. The last time I saw her we had an almighty row and so I am currently persona non grata as far as she is concerned.
‘What happened to you after your Dad left home?’
‘The courts decided that I should stay with my mother in the family house. I once had ambitions of becoming a jockey as I was always slightly built and loved horses. I left home and school as soon as I could and went to work in a riding stable. I enjoyed the work but I now think it was probably a mistake and that I should have continued with my education.’
‘Why was it a mistake?’
‘I am a good rider but over the last year I’ve come to realise that I probably won’t make the grade as a jockey. The prospect of remaining as a hired hand in those circumstances does not have too many attractions. I love riding horses but mucking them out and grooming them for other people to ride is not so attractive. Thus, the opportunity to help look after some horses on a film set for a few weeks was at least something of a change of scene for me whilst I decided what I’m going to do with the rest of my life.’
‘Will it affect your job if you take two weeks off to go filming?’
‘I didn’t tell Frank, but I’ve already handed in my notice with my employers. I was just planning to check that Moonbeam was looked after alright during the filming and then I’m off to look for a new job.’
‘Well good luck in finding one.’
Our conversation then turned to other matters.
‘So have you enjoyed your first day as Nicola?’ Amy asked as we were sipping our coffee at the end of our meal.
I smiled.
‘I guess so. I don’t have a sister and I went to an all boys school so everything has been a new experience to me.’
‘I thought so. You are going to need a crash course in how to be a girl.’
‘It has been quite interesting to learn about costume and makeup although I have found it a little bit stressful to be out in a public place dressed the way I am.
‘It would be a lot more embarrassing for us both if you’d come out dressed in Nick’s clothes with your long hair and those eyelashes,’ she replied.
‘I suppose so. I’m gradually getting used to having the hair and wearing different clothes, but I’m conscious that people seem to be staring at us a lot, then look away if I return a glance. I just wonder if I am being 'read', ’and they know that I’m really a guy.
Amy laughed.
‘I hate to tell you but they are probably staring at me and not you. Being stared at in public is one of the penalties of being famous. It happens to me all the time. Most of the time I don’t notice them unless they come up and ask me for an autograph.’
‘The taxi driver did ask me whether or not it was you, but maybe he was too old to collect autographs,’ I replied.
“If people are staring at us, I would guess it is because they are trying to work out which one of us is the real Amy O’Donnell.’
I blushed.
‘I don’t think that is very likely. Your face is too well known.’
‘When people see Amy O’Donnell on the screen, or in magazines she is dressed in nice clothes and is wearing makeup with nicely styled hair. Tonight we both have the same hair style, are dressed fairly casually and neither of us is wearing that much makeup. Why shouldn’t they wonder whether you are Amy and I’m your assistant?’
‘But t isn’t just a question of how you look, but how you walk, talk and gesture as well.’
‘Maybe so, but that will all come when you’ve had a little more practice.’
‘I suppose so, although I only have a fortnight to find out.
‘I’ll have a bet with you, Nicola. In a fortnight’s time, when you’ve finished the filming, I’ll book a table for us for a posh restaurant in Salisbury. Next time you can dress up smartly and I’ll dress fairly casually. I’ll be willing to bet you the price of the meal that by the end of the evening you are being mistaken for me.’
‘No thanks. I wouldn’t have anything to wear and, in any event, I think I would be far too scared to appear in public wearing a dress and makeup, pretending to be a film star.’
Amy looked a little discouraged.
‘That’s odd. If you aren’t scared of wearing a long skirt and galloping side-saddle in front of a film crew and eventually in front of hundreds of thousands of filmgoers, why would you be scared of going to a restaurant in a dress?’
I didn’t answer but looked embarrassed.
‘Oh well, please yourself,’ Amy continued, sounding not exactly annoyed so much as a little disappointed in me. ‘I have to visit the ladies.’
As soon as she did so our waitress approached with the bill.
‘Excuse me, madam, but is that Amy O’Donnell?’
I confirmed it with a smile.
‘Do you think she would mind if my friend and I took a selfie with her?’
‘I don’t know her that well, so you will have to ask her yourself, but she seems to be quite friendly.’
The waitress disappeared to tell her colleagues. Amy returned.
‘I’ll pay the bill with my credit card, but would you organise the taxi,’ she said handing me a note to cover the fare.’
‘Thanks for the meal. I feel guilty about letting you pay for everything.’
‘Well don’t, the meal and the taxis will go on my expenses and the clothes are there to enable you to keep me company. Just go ahead and book the taxi.’
I did so.
‘It should be here in ten minutes, I announced.
‘Are you going to need to use the toilets before we leave?’ she asked.
‘The ladies?’
‘Well I trust you aren’t planning to use the gents, looking the way you do, that would cause a stir.’
‘No, I can manage to hold on until we get back. I would be too worried that someone might come in.’
‘Don’t be such a wimp, of course you must go to the ladies, and be sure you refresh your lipstick and powder your nose once you are finished.’
This was more of an instruction than a suggestion, so I picked up the handbag that Amy had loaned to me which contained the necessary cosmetics.
Upon my return I found Amy in the lobby happily chatting to our waitress and two of the kitchen staff, all of whom had taken selfies with her. I was impressed by the easy and friendly way in which she dealt with her fans.
‘Now will you take a picture of me and my friend, please,’ she said to our waitress handing over her own phone.
The waitress did as she was bid and then the little group dispersed.
‘See what I mean, it wasn’t until after I’d paid the bill that they were sure which one of us to approach.’
‘No, I think they had worked out who was the real Amy O’Donnell and who was the stand-in before then. May I have a copy of that photograph although I am not sure to whom I will ever be able to show .it.
‘Of course, let me have your phone and I will send it via Bluetooth.
During the taxi ride home I asked myself what it was that was preventing me from accepting my new situation and immersing myself in my new role, but was unsure of the answer.
‘So what do you plan to do when you finish filming?’ asked Amy, to break the silence.
‘I’ll be looking for a new job in London,’ but I want to make sure that Moonbeam is well treated whilst I’m still able to do so.’
‘I’m sure you’ll be able to find some work in London. Whether or not you can find somewhere reasonably priced to live is a different matter, of course.’
The taxi arrived back at Amy’s caravan and I paid the driver and she signed an autograph for his daughter.
‘There’s going to be an early start tomorrow so we'd better go in so I can show you how to get yourself ready for the morning. If you are going to stand in for me you’ll have to learn how to look after your hair otherwise it will get tangled during the night and look awful the following morning.’
‘Yes, of course,’ I replied, but would it be alright if I quickly check on Moonbeam first, I don’t want her to think that I’ve abandoned her?’ I asked.
‘OK then, I’ll come with you, if you like.’
We made our way to the stables and looked in on the horse – she was fine, but I stayed to stroke her for a few minutes.
‘You really love that pony, don’t you?’ said Amy.
‘Perhaps, but I’ll only be able to do so until the filming has been completed. She’ll then be going back to her stables in Ireland and I won’t be going with her.’
We both became thoughtful and didn’t say much else to one another until we reached the door of Amy’s caravan.
‘Amy, I hope I haven’t sounded ungrateful for everything that you’ve done for me over the last couple of days; it is just that it has all happened so quickly. I want to do as good a job as I can of being your stand-in over the next fortnight and so I hope you’ll continue to show me what I need to do and what I need to wear.’
Amy smiled.
‘Does that mean that we can put Nick into storage for the next fortnight together with his clothes?’
‘Yes, if you think it necessary for me to do a good job, as long as your promise to let him out afterwards.’
She smiled and kissed me on the cheek.
“We’ll have to see how Nicola gets on. We can begin by losing those ‘guy’ pyjamas that you were planning to wear tonight. I’ll find you a satin pair of mine and a satin pillow case, which will be better for your hair. Whilst I’m doing so, I’d like you to gather your hair into a loose pony tail and put on a two or three of these soft scrunchies to hold it in position,’ she said, showing exactly how to do it.’
I did as I was told, and Amy returned with a pair of pink satin pyjamas and a matching silk scarf.
‘I’ll show you how to tie up your pony-tail using the scarf, so that it doesn’t come adrift whilst you’re asleep. Don’t tie it too tightly or you’ll wake up with a headache.’
‘I’d no idea there was going to be so much involved in looking after long hair, but I promise to do my best,’ I said.
‘Good! You’ll notice the benefit of doing so in the morning. But tying up your hair each night is nothing compared to washing it and getting it dry, afterwards. Fortunately, we won’t have to worry about that for tonight so please be sure to put on a cap when you take a shower.’
‘The makeup girls have asked me not to use the shower until tomorrow morning because of my new boobs.’
‘In that case, you can wash your body in the sink before you change into the pyjamas but leave your face until afterwards. When you are ready, come through to my room bringing those cleansers and moisturisers that you have been given. I’ll show you what else you need to do before going to bed.
‘When do you think I’ll need to wash my hair?’
‘It looks fine for now, we will have to be guided by the makeup staff as it is important that our hair stays as similar to one another as possible..’
A few minutes later I knocked on Amy’s bedroom door and went in.
‘It is important for you to cleanse and moisturize your skin each night if you’ve been wearing makeup, otherwise it is going to look a mess and could cause you to break out in pimples. Watch what I do and then do the same for yourself.’
Amy went through the process of cleaning her skin with a general cleanser, then using a special cream on her eyes.
‘Frances told me to be very careful with my eyes until the glue on my lashes has fully set,’ I said.
‘In that case, I’ll clean them for you for tonight, but you’re going to have to learn how to look after yourself in future.’
‘Thanks, if you don’t mind.’
‘I’m happy to oblige. I was brought up with three brothers, I would have loved to have had a sister.’
‘Me too, although I was an only child for most of my life.’
‘Now you have cleansed your skin we should put on some moisturiser.’
I did as she showed me, and she smiled.
‘I think it is going to be fun having you stay with me for the next two weeks, Nicola.’
‘I hope so. Goodnight Amy and thanks for all your help today.’
By this time I’d given up worrying what other people might think of me and had determined to accept my new identity, at least for the next fortnight. However I was still a little anxious about how I would get on in front of the cameras.
Next week: My first day on set
Thanks for the comments and corrections everyone. Feel free to keep them coming.
Louise
![]() |
Sometimes life has a habit of creeping up on you and sending you careering down a different and unexpected trajectory.
Copyright © 2021 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
We were due on set first thing the following morning and would require an early start. I set my alarm and at six o’clock took a shower as Nicola for the first time. Following Frances’ instructions I wore a shower cap to keep my long hair dry and did my best not to get too much water on my eyelashes, although she had assured me that after the first twenty-four hours I would no longer need to worry and the extensions would remain fixed until each eyelash grew out. My breast forms also now seemed to be attached quite securely and no doubt would be quite fiddly to remove when I changed back to Nick. I dressed in the underclothes bought for me by Amy the previous day and had a slight problem doing up and adjusting the new bra, but eventually managed to do so. I chose a pair of fitted jeans and a crop top from the wardrobe in my room, knowing that I would soon be getting changed into my film costume. I then made us both some coffee and toast whilst Amy took her shower.
‘You appear to have managed with your long hair quite well, Nicola,’ commented Amy over coffee.
‘Thanks, I’m gradually learning how to cope with it.
‘You won’t need to put on any makeup in the mornings when you are due on set as the makeup assistants prefer to start with a blank canvas,’
‘I wasn’t planning on doing so.’
‘But at other times it might be worth your learning the basics, as you will then look so much more convincing.’
At first, I was unsure how to reply. The previous evening, before we went out, Amy had said that she would not normally expect me to wear makeup, but then I remembered how much I’d enjoyed our meal together and my resolution from the previous evening.
‘Alright if you don’t mind giving me another lesson this evening.’
Amy smiled.
‘Great and you can help me to learn my lines.’
At seven-thirty we presented ourselves at the costume and makeup caravan as we were both due on set at the same time.
‘Good morning ladies, please come in,’ announced Sue. ‘Chloe, our costume assistant, will help to dress you both to ensure continuity. As soon as she has finished Frances can help Amy with her hair and do her make up, and Sandra will do the same for you, Nicola. I have to go and check what’s happening in the men’s caravan.’
‘At least we don’t have to wear corsets with these riding costumes,’ said Amy to me as she took off her clothes and donned her costume, without being at all concerned about my presence.
‘No, wearing a corset would not be a good idea when riding a horse,’ I replied.
‘You should see what they expect me to wear at other times,’ added Amy.
‘All of your costumes are correct for the period,’ said Chloe, thinking that she needed to stand up for the good name of the costume department.
‘I am sure that is the case, but I should have done some more research into what women used to wear before agreeing to take this part.’
When she was finished with Amy, Chloe helped me into a duplicate costume ensuring that all the details were the same as for Amy.
‘Don’t look so embarrassed, Nicola, I have had to dress lots of guys in women’s costumes before now, although I must say that you are one of the more convincing examples that I’ve had to deal with so far.
‘Sorry, I am determined not to argue and will do my best as a girl, but I can’t help feeling a little self-conscious about the way I look in front of everybody.’
‘You had better soon get used to it,’ commented Amy, ‘because you will shortly be appearing in front of dozens of the cast and crew, and ultimately in front of millions of filmgoers.’
‘I’m hoping that latter group won’t know anything about it,’ I commented.
‘That’s why we are taking so much trouble with your costume and makeup,’ said Chloe.
She now seemed satisfied with us both and handed us over to the hair and makeup assistants.
‘Good luck with the filming Nicola, I am sure you will do well,’ she said as she left us to dress others of the female performers in another caravan.
‘What about me?' asked Amy with a smile.’
‘We already know that you will do well,’ replied Chloe.
Frances asked us to sit in two adjacent seats, each one in front of a dressing table with a large illuminated mirror. She and her colleague, Sandra, proceeded to use their expertise to prepare us both for outdoor filming on this occasion. Now that I knew what to expect I could sit back and enjoy the process as they began to apply makeup suitable for the period. It was a relaxing and pleasurable sensation and gradually I began to feel less self-conscious. The ice began to melt and within a quarter of an hour the four of us were chatting together quite happily.
‘I’m pleased to see that you’ve been looking after your hair, Nicola,’ commented Sandra. ‘If you can continue to do so it will make life easier for us each morning.’
‘Amy showed me everything that I need to do to brush it and tie it up,’ I replied.
‘I am going to show Nicola how to wash and set her hair tonight,’ said Amy.
‘We would rather you left it until the weekend, or we will have the continuity staff complaining that your hair looks different from the previous day’s filming.’
At a quarter past eight Amy and I made our way over towards the yard outside stables, where the crew had already set up lights and additional props and were preparing for the day’s filming. As we approached the yard Amy received a phone call on her mobile.
‘I’d better take this, Nikki, as it’s my manager calling about the arrangements for next weekend. I am going to be attending an awards ceremony on Saturday night. You had better go ahead without me.’
I did as I was told and had just entered the yard when I was approached by a young production assistant with a clipboard.
‘Excuse me, Miss O’Donnell, but we’re going to need your stand-in first this morning. Do you know what has happened to her?’
I smiled.
‘I am the stand-in; Amy is just taking a call and will be along in a couple of minutes.’
‘Oh, I’m so sorry, you look just like Miss O’Donnell,’ the girl said blushing.
‘No problem, I suppose in some respects that ought to be quite reassuring as the makeup staff would appear to have done a good job,’ I replied, feeling that perhaps Amy had been right in her conversation in the restaurant the previous evening.
‘By the way, I’m Jenny and I understand that we are to address you as Nicola or Ms. Stevens, is that alright?’
‘Yes, but please call me Nicola or Nikki.’
‘In that case, Nikki, would you mind coming over to the stable yard, Frank wants to introduce you to the crew and the other members of the cast.’
By the time that Amy arrived to join the group Frank was giving a few well-chosen words to the others explaining that I had stepped in at the last minute and was saving them all time and trouble so he hoped that everyone would be respectful and as helpful to me as possible. He then gave an indication of what he hoped to achieve during the morning. For this scene we would not need to ride the horses, although they would be used as props in the background handled by the stable staff working as extras. I went over to pat Moonbeam, who was standing with several other horses. As I did so Alan emerged from the stable, dressed as a Victorian groom.
‘You look really great today, Nic … ola’ he said, this time without a trace of mockery.
‘Thank you,’ I replied, this time with a more confident smile. ‘You don’t look bad yourself.’
‘Good luck with the filming today.’ he said
I smiled and nodded to him before rejoining Jenny, the assistant director, and the other actors.
Jenny began by explaining to me the difference between a stand-in, a body-double, and an extra: in fact my proposed employment would encompass elements of all three roles – so they clearly wanted to get their money’s worth for the trouble taken to turn me into Nicola.
‘Stand-ins allow the crew to set up and light scenes without the main actors being present. They may need to go through the dialogue for the scene, so the crew can decide where to switch camera angles. A body-double is used to replace the actor or actress for scenes that require an element of specialized skills -such as horse riding. They may also deputize for one of the principal members of cast where they are on the periphery of a scene or seen from behind. An ‘extra’ plays minor usually non-speaking parts in the background or in crowd scenes. Remember that the directors will often shoot several takes of the same shot to give editors as many options as possible during post-production.’
‘I understand,’ I replied.
‘Your main role over the next fortnight will be to save Amy from having to ride a horse, but since we are paying you for the fortnight we may also use you as a stand-in when we block out some of her internal scenes. The Extras department are also sometimes on the look-out for young female extras so once or twice you may find yourself playing a housemaid, although in that case we’ll have to make sure that your face remains out of shot and we disguise your long hair under a cap.’
‘So, what do you want me to do today?’ I asked.
‘We won’t need you in the saddle until tomorrow, but as you are in costume the director of photography wants to see how you will work out in those shots where Amy’s character is seen from behind or on the edge of the scene, there will be no dialogue involved.’
‘Just tell me when and where you want me to go and what you need me to be doing,’ I replied.
My first morning filming was straightforward and only involved me standing in the background of the stable yard quietly conversing with another female character while the two male leads, Mark Robarts and Lord Lufton, had a conversation in the foreground. As soon as Robarts sought to introduce his sister, and the cameras turned towards us, Amy took over from me and I stood out of camera shot and watched as she demonstrated her considerable skills as an actress. She appeared to slip in to character effortlessly using her voice, facial expression and body language to convey so much more information than just the words in the script. I could see right away why she had been chosen for the part despite her inexperience. She was a natural screen actress.
For the actors and extras involved, working on a film set often includes long periods of sitting or standing around whilst specific scenes or shots are set up and lit. These will be followed by short intervals of intense activity and concentration during the actual filming. Alternatively once the filming had been completed that actors had to wait around whilst the daily rushes were checked to ensure that everything was in focus, continuity preserved and nothing untoward or anachronistic had found its way into the shot, in which case parts would need to be reshot. Previously I’d occasionally been an onlooker to the whole process but now I became an active participant.
The first day of filming seemed to pass very quickly although it involved long hours of work. More accurately, it involved substantial periods of sitting or standing around chatting to Amy or to other members of the cast whilst waiting for all the members of the technical crew to be happy with their preparations. This would be followed by a few minutes of intense concentration during the actual filming of the scene. It did not matter much to me, though, as it was all quite new but I could see that some of the other participants had brought something to occupy themselves with during these periods of inactivity or else just gossiped together. I sometimes wondered whether I might be the subject of such gossip, but maybe I was just being paranoid.
Eventually, at about 6.00pm the crew had completed the shooting for the day and the cast and extras returned to the costume and makeup caravans to get changed.
‘So how did the filming go?’ asked Frances as she helped Amy to get changed out of her costume and remove the film makeup that she’d been wearing.
‘Alright, I think, the director seemed to be reasonably happy with the way that things went today, but they are just checking the daily rushes,’ Amy replied.
‘Were they happy with your part in the proceedings, Nicola?’ asked Sandra.
‘Nicola was fine, doing exactly what was required of her,’ added Amy in the next chair.
‘The cast all seemed very nice. I was a little worried that I might receive some snide comments as a former member of the crew, although everyone seemed to accept me in my new role.’
‘Of course, they did, why ever not. After all, everyone is there to do a professional job and it won’t be the first time that they’ve worked with actors who were cross-dressed,’ said Sandra.
‘No, I suppose not, but in most other cases the performer will have changed back at the end of each day.’ I thought to myself
I changed back into the trouser suit that Amy had bought for me, but it was too late to go anywhere outside for an evening meal. Amy suggested that we should get something to eat from the catering marquee. There were several of the crew present who acknowledged us both with a smile or a nod but otherwise said nothing. I wondered whether Amy’s presence was shielding me from any impertinent questions or comments by my former colleagues, but maybe I was being paranoid. Amy took out her iPhone and began scrolling through the screen.
‘I have been taking a fair amount of flak from some of my Twitter followers over appearing in a movie that includes a hunt scene – did you know that foxhunting could be really barbaric? Anyone who was hunting for the first time would have the foxes blood smeared on their cheeks and forehead.’’
‘Yes, I gather that the kill could get quite bloody, but that will all be staged. It’s now illegal to hunt any animals using dogs,’ I replied.
‘But what about the horses?’
‘The rental company will ensure that no harm comes to any of the horses or the dogs for that matter – they represent quite an investment. In any event, it would be bad publicity for the studio if any animals were injured during filming.’
She continued reading the messages on her screen.
‘But it wasn’t just foxes, stags were hunted as well and otters were almost driven to extinction in some areas. Then there were the game birds reared specifically so they could be blasted out of the sky.’
‘Yes, I know and I’m not seeking to condone the past but slaughtering the local wildlife was a way of life for the occupants of these large houses in the countryside, for centuries. A fair amount of eighteenth and nineteenth century literature includes foxhunting scenes including several famous films. In any event, foxes can vicious and arbitrary killers of small animals and need to be controlled in the countryside. Also, some stags need to be culled for the good of the herd.’
‘But does that mean they have to be torn to pieces by dogs in the process and what harm did otters ever do?’
‘The excuse for otter hunting was to protect fish stocks for anglers, although their fur was valued.’
‘As I am just beginning to appear in films, I have to take any role that is offered, but another time I would prefer not to have my name associated with hunting.’
‘At least you will now be able to tell your followers that you will be taking no part in the hunt scene, and it will be your stand-in doing so.’
Shortly after we sat down, Alison, one of the assistant directors asked whether she might join us.
‘Of course, please take a seat,’ said Amy
I think we were both pleased to have an excuse to change the subject.
Next week: A critique of my performance
Thanks for the comments and corrections everyone. Feel free to keep them coming.
Louise
![]() |
Sometimes life has a habit of creeping up on you and sending you careering down a different and unexpected trajectory.
Copyright © 2021 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Alison had just come from checking the daily rushes with the director and cinematographer when she joined us.
‘So, was all ok with today’s shoot?’ asked Amy.
‘Not too bad, we’re just about back on schedule, which is the most important thing in keeping our costs under control,’ she replied. ‘With such a large cast and crew any delay can significantly add to the budget.’
Amy then asked the one question that had been on my mind, but I was too afraid to ask.
‘So how did Nicola get on?’
‘That’s what I wanted to talk to you both about. Nicola, you were fine during those initial shots this morning where we were shooting over your shoulder at Matthew talking and you did everything that was required of you. (Matthew Richards was the actor playing Mark Robarts, Lucy’s ambitious elder brother). However, you did lapse slightly later in the day during some of the wider shots, when you were standing on the periphery,’ said Alison.
‘What was the problem? Did I look like a guy?’ I asked.
‘No, not exactly, but your body language wasn’t quite right. There are one or two shots that we won’t be able to use. It isn’t a disaster as there are quite a few others that will be fine, but the more choice we can give to the film editors the better. Try and keep a closer look at how Amy walks, stands and uses her hands. I’m sure all will be fine again tomorrow especially as you will be spending much of the day in the saddle but the more you can become proficient at the little details the more likely that we will want to employ you as a stand-in or body-double on other occasions. ‘
‘I’ll do my best, but when I agreed to take this job, I’d no idea that anyone would want to use me other than to do the riding for you.’
‘I know, but once Frank saw what a good job the costume and makeup staff had done on you, he began to get other ideas,’ she replied.
‘Don’t worry, Alison, once we’ve finished our dinner, we’ll be going back to my caravan and Nikki can practice her female voice and posture, as she goes through tomorrow’s scripts with me,’ said Amy.
‘That’s why we’re so pleased that she will be staying with you. The more help you can give her the better.
‘It seems that I am not as good at standing-in for you as I’d previously imagined, ‘I said as we entered Amy’s caravan.
‘That’s not so,’ protested Amy. ‘Just think, only four days ago you were a rather non-descript looking young man with a dead-end job, but now you‘re an attractive young woman in an interesting job, who just needs a few rough edges to be smoothed off.’
‘An interesting job that will last for precisely two weeks,’ I corrected.
‘Well, you never know, if you make that extra effort to practice your female presentation and voice there may be other opportunities for you.’
‘I didn’t even know that I had a female sounding voice although I realised that it is a little higher-pitched than many guys because of my short stature.’
‘I would say that your voice is pitched somewhere between a typical man and a typical woman, and it shouldn’t be too difficult to raise it slightly. But it isn’t just a question of pitch with voices, there is also the questions of tone and the content of what you say – the words you use. For example. girls tend to adopt a more questioning tone and use more encouraging gestures and speech patterns to keep the conversation going.
‘Do I sound like a guy then?’
‘No, not exactly, but at times you do sound a little, shall we say, indeterminant although because you look like a girl, most listeners would take it for granted that you are one. However, if you really want more work as my stand-in, it might be better for you to make more of an effort to sound like me.’
‘I’ll do my best to copy your style.’
‘Good, let’s now go through my lines for tomorrow together and see how you get on,’
In the end it was good fun as I did my best to copy Amy’s speech patterns and gestures as we went through her script.
‘See,’ she said at one point, ‘you can tell that these lines were written by a guy, no woman would be so dogmatic in this situation or give a monosyllabic response to such a question.’
Clearly Amy was not such an airhead as she sometimes liked to make out.
‘What are you going do about it, suggest a rewrite to the director?’ I asked.
‘No, I don’t want to get the reputation of being a ‘difficult’ actress. The fault can be partially rectified by tone of voice and body language although I’ll probably make a subtle change without telling anyone, and hope the director thinks it was accidental and then he can decide it was his own doing.’
Preparations for the second day of filming very much followed the same pattern as the first day with Chloe Sandra and Frances helping us both to get ready. By this time, I’d lost any previous self-consciousness and chatted happily with them while trying to adopt a more female tone of voice and copying some of Amy’s hand gestures. Nobody commented, even if they did notice. I was just accepted by them as Nicola, one more member of the cast.
I was going to be much more centre stage on this occasion as the scene depicted a Good Friday Hunt Meet in front of the great house, where refreshments were being served to the riders in advance of the hunt setting out. Lucy Robarts was to be the only female main character although there were also a couple of female extras on the periphery both of whom had been hired sometime before as accomplished riders. Thus, I spent quite a few hours in the saddle although on this occasion with relatively little time riding. Most of the time we sat around on horseback with the Assistant Directors or Production Assistants staging the scene or planning the shots. Jenny or one of the other P.A.s used storyboards to explain to each of the main characters exactly where we had to be and what we needed to do. For those few occasions when Lucy Robarts had any lines, Amy would take my place at the last moment.
I noted that, as discussed, the previous night, Amy made a subtle change to the script at one point but nobody made any objection since it was clearly an improvement. It was also interesting to see how an apparently two-dimensional and uninteresting conversation in the script could be brought to life in the hands of a competent actress such as Amy. There was clearly more to acting than just following instructions.
All the horses had come from stable in Ireland specializing in supplying animals to TV and film companies. They had been chosen for their even easygoing temperaments and most had been used in films before. Filming with horses can be problematic: they can’t be expected to understand why the same action might need to be repeated several times to get different shots or camera angles. Fortunately, there wasn’t going to be gunfire or other loud noises going off which can spook an inexperienced horse. Nevertheless, the presence of the lights and so many people rushing around can make them nervous. Moonbeam began to get a little restless towards the end of the morning as she was unused to standing around for hours on end with a rider on her back. There was no danger involved but she needed to be re-assured by someone who understood her temperament. Thus, as soon as the crew broke for lunch, I asked permission to give her a quick run in the next field to calm her down and stretch her legs, before handing her over to my former colleagues to be unsaddled and given a rub down.
‘I can now see why Frank chose to employ you as Amy’s stand-in. Well done!’ commented Alison upon my return to the set.
‘There was no great problem but young horses can sometimes tell if their rider is feeling nervous. Moonbeam just needed a little re-assurance,’ I replied.
‘I really will have to get in some more practice at riding side-saddle, for the future’ said Amy who had just joined us.
‘Maybe I could give you another lesson tomorrow after we’ve finished filming for the day if nobody has any objection.’ I suggested.
‘Take great care if you do, the last thing we want is for Amy to be injured,’ said Alison.
‘Yes of course, we’ll take care. Was everything ok with today’s rushes?’ I asked.
‘Yes, as far as I know, there was nothing that we won’t be able to use so you have clearly been taking my advice. We’ll just have to finish the Meet scene tomorrow, and then you should be free until early next week, Nicola, unless you are needed as an extra.’
‘No problem, I’ll do whatever is required.’
Amy and I had our evening meal on set with other members of the cast and gossiped about the events of the day. I was pleased to see that I was gradually becoming accepted by the other members of the cast and once again I was congratulated about the way I’d handled Moonbeam. Afterwards Amy and I retired to her caravan.
‘Will you need any help learning your lines for tomorrow,’ I asked.
‘No thanks, there aren’t many lines so I should be ok. Tonight, I have to deal with a pile of fan mail.’
‘What does that involve?’
‘In most cases I send a ready-made publicity photograph with a printed message on the back, which I have already signed. Lorna, my personal assistant used to do this for me, and only pass on those letters that needed a personal reply. She even drafted and signed some of these letters for me at times, but since she has left, I’ve rather got behind with them, and they do tend to pile up,’ she admitted.
‘Can I help you with anything?’ I asked.
‘Yes please. I’ll sign some more photos and put them in envelopes, if you wouldn’t mind typing their names and addresses into this label printing programme, and then stick on an address label,’
‘Of course, I should be happy to do so.’
‘Great and we can chat together and you can practice your girly voice as we go through them.’
‘Alright then.’
Over the next hour-and-a-half we began to make inroads into the pile until Amy appeared to have had enough.
‘Thanks, Nikki, you’re a real star and your voice training is coming along nicely.
‘I should be happy to help you anytime that I can, to pay you back for everything you have done for me,’ I said in the most feminine voice I could manage.
‘I know it isn’t the most exciting job, but if we could spend an hour doing them each evening, we’ll soon get them all done.’
The filming went so well on the Wednesday morning that all agreed that they had satisfactorily finished the equestrian scenes involving Amy by lunchtime. This time, Moonbeam was better behaved and was more used to the strange and slightly chaotic atmosphere on the film set. Nevertheless, I took her for a short run during the lunch break before handing her back to Alan to feed and groom. I had just joined Amy back on set when Alison came over having just checked the daily rushes with Frank.
‘I’m sorry ladies, but we are going to need to do a couple of retakes tomorrow morning. There are a couple of shots involving Nicola that are a little out of focus and another scene with Amy where there is a brief glimpse of a microphone boom. It isn’t either of your faults but these things do happen. I’m fairly sure that you’ll both be free by lunchtime tomorrow,’ she said as we were both getting changed.
‘So, I should be clear for the weekend afterwards?’ asked Amy.
Alison looked a little awkward.
‘Les Worth, the Director of Photography, is hoping to move forward a couple of your outdoor scenes in the stable yard that are scheduled to be shot early next week, to this Friday and Saturday. It will make things much easier for him to prepare for the large-scale hunting scenes next week, if he can do so.’
‘I shall be ok for Friday, but I’d already agreed with Frank some time ago that I’ll be attending a TV award ceremony in London on Saturday evening, although I’ll be back on set by Sunday evening. Can Les work round that?’
‘I’ll have to speak to him.’
Then turning to me she said. ‘Once we’re finished with you tomorrow, Nicola, all that remains for you to do will be the hunting scenes, scheduled for next Tuesday to Thursday. ‘
‘Does that mean I can revert to being a young man in the intervening period?’ I asked.
‘Not if you want to continue staying with me,’ said Amy abruptly.
I don’t even know what made me say that as it was not what I wanted to do.
‘No, it would be easier for you to remain as you are, we wouldn’t want to give costume and makeup even more work next week as they will be dealing with many extras. In any event we may want to use you as an extra on Friday or Saturday.’
Later that night I offered to go through Amy’s lines for the retake with her.
‘There’s no real need, thanks, the scene that I’m due to re-shoot tomorrow is quite straightforward.’
‘In that case can I help with the backlog of your fan mail?’
‘Alright then, I suppose so.’
Amy didn’t sound too enthusiastic but we did so for about an hour when she sighed and seemed to be bored with the task.
‘It looks as if we’re both going to be free from filming tomorrow afternoon, and Moonbeam is still available, would you like that riding lesson that I promised you?’ I asked seeking to make conversation.
‘We would have to get changed out of our costumes first,’ she replied.
‘Yes, of course. Do you have a pair riding breeches that you can wear’?
‘Yes, but I haven’t said that I agree yet, and in any event, I thought you wanted to show me how to ride side-saddle.’
‘I do, but it’ll still be best for you to wear breeches to begin with as an ordinary skirt could get caught up with the side-saddle if you lost your balance.’
‘That’s what I was worried about.’
‘You should be ok as long as you don’t try to go too fast.’
Amy seemed to be turning things over in her mind.
‘If we do go out riding together what will you wear?’
‘I’ll be riding one of the other horses astride and so I’ll need to wear my jeans, but don’t worry with this hair and these boobs I’ll still look like a girl.’
‘Alright Nikki, I’ll agree to have a riding lesson with you tomorrow afternoon, if you agree to let me give you another advanced makeup lesson.’
‘When?’
‘There’s no time like the present, I’ve had enough of dealing with this fan mail for one night.’
‘But you’ve already shown me how to put on lipstick and eye-shadow when we went out together last Sunday evening.’
‘Those are just the basics; I want to see what you look like in full-slap and wearing a glamorous twenty-first-century dress.’
Amy appeared quite enthused with her idea. I hesitated but then shrugged my shoulders.
‘Alright, so long as you don’t expect me to go out wearing it afterwards.’
Amy gave one of her wicked smiles that I’d previously found so attractive.
‘Alright, on this occasion it can be a rehearsal, but I warn you that I’m determined to take you out for the evening in full girly girl mode one day before we finish filming, although maybe you need to practice your voice and presentation a little more first,’
Next week: Another riding lesson
Thanks for the comments and corrections everyone. Feel free to keep them coming.
Louise
![]() |
Sometimes life has a habit of creeping up on you and sending you careering down a different and unexpected trajectory.
Copyright © 2021 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
I cleared away the fan mail, while Amy went to her dressing table and extracted various bottles, jars, plastic tubes and brushes
‘Now come in and take a seat in front of the mirror, young lady. I’ve been wanting to do this ever since that first occasion when you wore my long riding skirt and proceeded to show me up in front of everybody,’ she said with a smile.
I shrugged my shoulders, sat down as instructed and let her have her fun. Amy was a proficient makeup artist and hair stylist so an hour and a half later she was satisfied with her efforts. My long black hair was arranged in a low chignon bun and I sported silver and diamond pendant earrings. She went to her wardrobe and took out a three-quarter length black, backless, halter necked dress, beautifully embellished in silver detailing across the waistline.
‘Now slip out of your things and put this on.’
‘Wow, that does look nice,' I replied.
‘Yes, it’s a dress that I wore to an awards ceremony last year which received several complimentary comments in the press. I think it should look good on you as well.’
She helped me to put on the dress, and zip it up.
‘There’s also a matching pair of high-heeled black sandals with an ankle strap embellished in silver to go with the dress, if they will fit you.’
‘I’ll try them on if you don’t mind. I’ve always had relatively small feet for a guy.’
‘Yes, I’d noticed.'
The dress and the shoes fitted me and felt great to wear.
‘Next time we will have to do something about your hands and fingernails, but I’m afraid we won’t have time to do so tonight,’ said Amy.
‘That’s ok,’ I replied.
She finished arranging my hair and stood back to admire her efforts.
‘Wow! I always knew that you would look good dressed as a girl, but I’d no idea that you would turn out to be quite such a beauty,’ commented Amy.
She sounded as if she really meant it. She stepped to one side so that I could see myself in her full-length mirror. I said nothing, just stared at myself in the mirror, not knowing what to think, except that I felt great.
‘Do you mind if I take some more pictures of you, Nikki?’ Amy asked after a minute or so of stunned silence on my part.
‘Yes, so long as you promise not to post them on your Instagram or Twitter accounts, or anywhere else on the internet,’ I said at last finding my voice.
‘Don’t worry, Nikki, I won’t do that,’ she replied.
She went to her handbag and to took out her phone and proceeded to take several pictures of me in different poses.
‘Would you like me to share them with your phone as well?’
‘Yes please.’
A few minutes later we were both examining the results on our respective phones.
‘I don’t look too bad, do I?’ I commented, with a smug grin.
‘Not too bad, my foot, you look stunning,’ she replied.
I didn’t reply although I had to agree with her.
The following morning the crew quickly set up and reshot the scenes involving Amy and myself and we were finished soon after eleven o’clock. Jenny and Les Worth then approached Amy and handed her a revised schedule and began to go through the details with her.
‘Okay tomorrow, we’re going to make a start on the exterior scenes with you and Ray, and then the crew will set up and do as much as we can on Saturday without you, ready to finish off with you in place on next Monday morning.’
‘Remember you can always use Nicola here to stand in for me tomorrow and on Saturday morning to help you block the scenes or during the camera and lighting set up? She might even serve as a body-double for some of those early shots before we begin our conversation. I would finish any of the shots involving dialogue on Monday morning.’
Les thought for a moment before turning to me.
‘What’s your schedule over the next couple of days, Nicola?’ he asked.
I shrugged.
‘At present I’ve nothing more to do until next Tuesday.’
‘What does your contract specify?’
‘It doesn’t really specify my duties, I’m just employed as a dogsbody, to be used as required.’
‘I object to my stand-in describing herself as a dogsbody – that reflects on me,’ said Amy smiling.
‘Sorry, I never thought,’ I replied.
‘But would you be able to come in tomorrow and maybe on Saturday, if necessary?’
‘Yes, I suppose so.’
‘In that case, Jenny, can you book Nicola as a stand-in tomorrow whilst Amy is getting ready for the shoot. That should save us some time.
‘What about her costume?’ asked Jenny.
‘We’ll just be planning shots and lighting so she can come in everyday clothes.’
‘What about Saturday morning?’ Jenny asked.
‘At the moment, I’m not sure whether or not it is going to be practicable to use her on Saturday, but we’ll see how we get on tomorrow.’
Amy and I had Thursday afternoon free of commitments, so we had arranged for me to give her a second riding lesson. As soon we had changed out of our costumes we returned to her caravan where she donned a pair of riding breeches and loaned me a pair of her jeans and a plain blouse to wear. She refused outright to let me retrieve my own from storage, determined that I would not be seen in her company wearing male trousers.
Riding was the one thing that I was pretty good at and for once in our relationship I was the acknowledged expert. I again went through the basics of riding side-saddle and she practiced, initially in the yard and then later in the adjoining fields. We took care, and after an hour or so she’d gained enough confidence to progress from a walk to a gentle trot.
‘I still don’t really see the point in riding side-saddle,’ she said once we had successfully completed a circuit without mishap.
‘You never know when it might come in handy for future film or tv work,’ I suggested.
‘But why were women expected to ride side-saddle in the first place?’ she asked.
‘Strictly speaking, it’s known as ‘riding aside’ rather than ‘astride’, and it was 'fine ladies’ rather than ordinary ‘women’ who rode that way, I answered primly, deftly avoiding the question.
‘Ooh, I stand corrected, I’d no idea you were such a pedant, Miss Schoolma'am,’ she said, mocking my reply. ‘But there must have been a reason for the practice or was it just because of the clothes they wore?’
I blushed.
‘In the past, there was a widespread believe that a young lady might lose her virginity while riding astride. Once that idea got into circulation it was considered vulgar for any lady to ride astride, whether she was a virgin or otherwise.’
‘It sounds more likely that it was as an excuse used by young ladies who had already lost their virginity with one of the stable lads,’ commented Amy with a grin.
‘I really couldn’t say, but how about you do one more circuit of the field at a trot, and then next time we can proceeded to a canter.’
In the end we stayed out for nearly two hours with Amy on Moonbeam and me riding Cinderella, a slightly more spirited mare. Amy was getting the hang of gripping the saddle using the pommel and gently issuing instructions to the horse using a short riding whip rather than her legs. Eventually though we had to return to the stables so that the grooms would have enough time to unsaddle, groom and feed the horses before they finished their shift.
‘May I help you down from there, Miss O’Donnell?’ asked Alan as she returned to the stable.
‘That won’t be necessary, you just hold the bridle, I think I’m getting the hang of things now,’ she replied as she lifted her leg over the pommel and slid off the saddle.
Her confidence was a little misplaced because her slide continued after her feet hit the muddy floor and she landed heavily on her backside, with her right arm breaking the fall. She looked so ridiculous that both Alan and I were hard put not to laugh.
‘Are you alright?’ asked Alan as he helped her to get up.
‘I think I may have sprained my wrist when I broke my fall.’
‘You had better get that wrist checked by the paramedic, Miss O’Donnell,’ said Alan, ‘we are expected to report any accidents relating to the horses, I would take you there myself but I’m afraid I can’t leave the horses.’
‘Don’t worry Alan, I’ll go with her,’ I said.
The paramedic on the set checked that she hadn’t broken any bones and confirmed that she had not done any serious damage to her hand. He gave her a couple of anti-inflammatory tablets, bandaged her wrist and fitted her lower arm with a plastic splint.
‘Just keep it strapped up like that for a couple of days and it should be alright, Miss O’Donnell,’ he said. ‘Come back if it is still painful after the weekend,’
‘But I’m supposed to be filming tomorrow and then attending an awards ceremony on Saturday evening.’
‘Filming tomorrow is going to be out of the question, I’m afraid. But if you can keep the splint in place until Saturday afternoon you should be alright to go out without it in the evening, so long as you don’t try to use it in the meantime.’
‘Oh dear, I can’t see Frank being happy when he finds out. I guess we’d better find him and explain,’ said Amy.
She was right, Frank wasn’t at all happy with either of us.
‘Bringing forward that scene was going to help us with scheduling problems over the next three weeks,’ he sighed. ‘Nicola, this is partly your fault, the whole point of employing you was so that Amy did not need to go near the horses. There are to be no more riding lessons and you are only to ride them when you are required to do so.
‘I am sorry,’ I replied.
‘It was my fault,’ said Amy coming to my defence. ‘I asked Nikki to teach me how to ride side-saddle. But maybe I could turn up on set tomorrow and take off the splint whenever you need to film me.’
‘No, I’m not going to go against medical advice, and get sued for it afterwards. We won’t be using you until next Monday but I’m definitely going to need you on set all day tomorrow, Nicola, and probably now on Saturday as well.’
‘What about a costume?’ I asked.
‘That won’t be necessary for tomorrow, you can wear ‘everyday clothes’,' he replied. ‘On Saturday we will have to see whether you can wear the costume that was made for Amy.’
As we walked back towards the caravan, Amy and I began discussing what I would wear the following day.
‘Good luck with my costume on Saturday, just wait and see what they have in store for you to wear Nikki,’ said Amy, with a wicked smile.
‘What do you mean?’
‘A voluminous silk dress over a hooped crinoline petticoat and that dreaded whalebone corset, so you’d better leave plenty of time for the costume department to get you ready.’
‘Will it be uncomfortable to wear?’
‘Yes, at first but like all the female cast you’ll just have to get used to it.’
‘Amy. I’ve been told to come in my ‘everyday clothes' tomorrow morning, but I’ve run out of clean things to wear and I was planning to do my laundry tomorrow. Will it be alright if I hang on to your jeans and this blouse to wear tomorrow?’
‘I don’t think that’s a good idea especially if you want to show to the directors and crew that you can make a convincing stand-in for me. I’ll loan you one of my own dresses to wear on set tomorrow and first thing on Saturday, to help you stay in character. What about Sunday?’
‘The clothes that you bought for me last week will be clean and dry by then.’
‘Good.
‘Alright, I’ll make sure that everything is washed and ironed by the time you get back on Sunday night. I’ll also be free on Sunday if there is anything I can do to repay you?’
‘I suppose you could type some more of those address labels for my fan mail if you have time over the weekend. I won’t be able to sign them with my arm strapped up like this, but I should be in a position to do so next week.’
Once we had reached the caravan, Amy opened her wardrobe and after a minute or so extracted one of her pretty light blue summer dresses which she held up in front of me. It was quite feminine looking, in contrast to the rather androgynous clothes that I’d previously been wearing in the evenings.
‘Come over and look at yourself in the mirror and let me know what you think?’.
I followed her instructions.
‘So much for your promise that I wouldn’t be expected to wear anything too girly,’ I thought to myself, but I did look nice and I had no wish to argue with her choice.
‘Thanks, that will be fine,’ I said.’
‘There are some matching beads and earrings to go with this dress and you can wear my white open-toed high heels.’
‘I’ve not had much practice wearing heels.’
‘In that case it is time you did so.’
‘Alright, I’ll make sure that everything has been washed and ironed before I return them to you,’ I replied.
‘Now what are you planning to do about makeup?’ Amy asked.
‘Will I need to wear some? We haven’t put on makeup at other times’
‘That was only because the makeup staff fixed it for us. Tomorrow you’re going to be on set without a formal costume, so you will need to show them that you can present as a convincing girl.’
‘I’ve got the lipstick, face powder and the eyeshadow that you bought for me last Sunday and those products that you gave me on Wednesday night. So I think I should be ok.’
‘Alright, that should do, but remember what I taught you yesterday evening. I’ll check up on you before you go on set first thing tomorrow morning but after that you’ll be on your own.’
‘Thanks Amy.’
Later that evening Amy went through the following day’s schedule with me so I would know what to expect.
‘Pay attention and do whatever the Assistant Director tells you tomorrow and keep any opinions to yourself. That way, they may even get to keep you on for a few more days of filming.’
‘I wouldn’t dream of arguing with the director.’
‘Also, make sure you use your girl voice at all times and although you seem to have made great progress over the last couple of days, remember what I’ve told you about being conscious of your body language and hand gestures.’
I sighed.
‘Yes, I promise to do my best, but there seems to be so much for me to remember.’
Amy smiled.
‘I think that you will probably be good enough as a stand-in for me.’
Next week:Weekend social activities
Thanks for the comments and corrections, everyone. Feel free to keep them coming.
Louise
![]() |
Sometimes life has a habit of creeping up on you and sending you careering down a different and unexpected trajectory.
Copyright © 2021 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
As suggested by Amy, I wore her summer dress and shoes on Friday morning and she professed herself satisfied with my hair and makeup before I went on set. Frank smiled and wished me good morning and so yesterday’s incident involving Amy’s fall appeared to have been forgiven. I spent most of the morning working with the assistant directors and crew in blocking the next few scenes, followed by lighting and camera rehearsals. The bulk of the cast had been released to go away and learn their lines, but I and one or two extras, who were not directly involved with the dialogue, were used as stand-ins so that the camera crew and sound recordists could check on camera angles and the placement of the lights and the boom. Amy called in to see how things were going shortly before our lunch break as she was due to leave for her weekend in London. As usual, she looked stunning, apart for the plastic splint that she still wore on her arm. Frank saw her arrive and decided to break for lunch.
‘That’s great for now, ladies and gentlemen.’
Then turning to his assistant, he said: ‘Joan, can you make sure the remainder of the cast know that we’ll be making a start on shooting the yard scene at 1.30 and will be continuing tomorrow morning. We should be able to finish off once we have Amy back on Monday morning.’
As the others started to leave he turned to Amy.
‘How’s your arm this morning?’
‘It’s OK, I think. I’m still wearing the splint for now, but the paramedic says that I can take it off for tomorrow evening, and as long as I don’t try to lift anything heavy or use it too much my arm should be fine by Monday.’
‘Good, enjoy your weekend but please make sure that you don’t do anything to make it worse.’
He then turned to me.
‘Nicola, there are going to be a couple of shots this afternoon where Lucy Robarts will feature on the edge of the action, so I’d like you to be available in costume by three thirty and ready to take Amy’s place. There are no lines for you to learn. It also now looks as if we are going need you in costume again first thing tomorrow morning.’
‘Yes, of course,’ I replied.
‘I’d no idea that they would expect me to be in costume today,’ I said to Amy as we were leaving the set together.
‘They’ve obviously made more progress this morning than they expected, but that’s a good sign that they seem to be happy to use you as my stand-in. Make sure you leave the costume and makeup staff plenty of time to get you ready.'
‘Actually, I quite enjoy those days when I’m required for filming.’
Amy thought for a while and then smiled.
‘So I’ve noticed.’
By this time, we had reached the caravan where Amy’s limo driver was waiting to take her London.
‘Goodbye then Nikki and have a great time over the weekend. I’ll see you on Sunday evening,’ she said giving me a quick kiss on the cheek.
‘Goodbye Amy, thanks for everything that you’ve done for me this week and good luck with the award ceremony tomorrow.’
The young starlet smiled and waved as they drove off.
Amy was right in her prediction and it took the costume and makeup departments nearly an hour and a half to get me ready for the afternoon shoot. The lacing on the corset took my breath away but created a trim waist, a heaving bosom and a most impressive cleavage. The crinoline petticoat and accompanying dress were not exactly practical to wear and needed some practice to negotiate through doors etc. although there was no doubt that I looked nice. Only the low-heeled silk-topped shoes were at all comfortable to wear compared to their twenty-first century counterparts.
‘How on earth did Victorian ladies manage having to wear these clothes?’ I asked Chloe, as she was dressing me.
‘With difficulty, but it wasn’t just fine ladies, all women were expected to wear corsets which severely limited what they could do.
’But why did they put up with it?’
She shrugged.
‘That’s why the Rational Dress Society was formed in the 1880s.
Once Chloe was finished with me, Sue took several digital photographs so that they would be able to match Amy’s costume when it came to her doing the shots involving dialogue on the following Monday.
‘By the end of next week, I’ll have a folder of pictures of you in different costumes. Would you like copies to add to your acting portfolio?’ she asked.
‘I don’t have an acting portfolio.’
‘In that case maybe you should think of compiling one.’
I felt incredibly conspicuous as I walked on set but was relieved to discover that several other members of the female cast were wearing similar voluminous dresses and that I would be able to blend into the background without too much trouble. It was only later in the scene that they would be focusing in on my character and then Amy would take my place. Thus, we finished shooting relatively early and by six thirty I had changed back into the dress that I’d previously worn.
‘Would you like to join me for an evening meal in the catering tent?’ said Sue as she and her staff were now ready to pack up for the day.
‘Alright then, thanks,’ I replied, always happy to eat in company.
As we were queueing for our food Sue continued to make conversation.
‘How have you been finding life as Nicola?’
‘Does that include having to wear that awful corset and crinoline this afternoon?‘
She smiled.
‘It’s all part of the job.’
I smiled and nodded, then after a moment’s reflection, I added: ‘actually I have been enjoying myself and have learned a lot.’
‘So Amy’s little project to turn you into a girl for a fortnight appears to have been quite successful.’
I blushed slightly.
‘I would never have got such an interesting job working as a guy.’
‘But did you need to be Nicola full-time?’
‘It was you who suggested sewing in my hair extensions. In any event Amy didn’t want to be seen to be sharing her accommodation with a guy in case it got into the newspapers. In fact, she has been very kind to me.'
‘OK. As long as you are happy but be careful. Amy can be quite wild at times. She used to have a personal assistant who kept her on the ‘straight and narrow’ for a while but she got fed up and left.’
‘Yes, I’d heard.’
‘So don’t let her get you into any trouble.’
‘I don’t think that’s likely. She’s gone up to London for the weekend and I’ve only got one more week of filming with her.’
‘I suppose Amy’s more likely to get herself into trouble in London than down here in Wiltshire.’
I didn’t answer.
‘So, are you planning to remain on location as Nicola on Sunday?’
‘With this long hair and these boobs, I don’t really have much choice, but Amy is letting me use her caravan whilst she’s away, so I won’t have to go out.’
‘We’re organising a bowls match for the crew and the cast members who will be on location this weekend. We are going to hold it at the pub in the village on Sunday afternoon. We’re a little short of ladies from the cast at present, so I don’t suppose you’d be interested in joining us?’
‘Won’t the others think it odd if I play for the ladies’ team?’
‘They’ll think it even odder if you try to play in the gents’ team with your long hair and boobs. In any event, the teams are going to be mixed and we are trying to keep roughly equal numbers of men and women, cast and crew in each team. So, would you like to come?’
‘The only snag is that I’ll have run out of clothes to wear by tomorrow. I was planning to devote my spare time this weekend to washing and ironing. I doubt if I’ll have anything suitable that is ready to wear by Sunday.'
Sue smiled.
‘I’m sure we’ll be able to find you something suitable to wear from the costume store. Remind me tomorrow.’
‘I’ll come, if you think it will be alright with the others involved.’
‘You’re a member of the cast now, just like any other, so of course it will be alright.'
‘Would you mind if I accompanied you to the pub as I would be a little nervous to just turn up on my own.’
‘I suggest that you should come to the makeup caravan at one thirty on Sunday and we’ll make our way there together.’
That night I took all the clothes that Amy had bought for me and one or two other items that she had loaned to me to the launderette facilities that had been set up at the location and then hung them on the clothes dryer in Amy’s caravan. Whilst that was happening, I made a start on addressing Amy’s fan mail and made good progress with the backlog.
On Saturday morning, I was up early to be fitted with the corset and crinoline dress required for the scene before joining the other cast members on the set. The costume was uncomfortable to wear and difficult to sit down in, but I must admit that I looked the part. Once on set, I was pleased to discover that I was being accepted in my new gender role by everyone on set without any awkwardness, and I did not need Amy’s company to shield me. As before, my day involved longish periods of standing around chatting to the other female cast members present complaining about the inconvenience of our costumes compared to those of the men, followed by short bursts of action. For most of the scenes I was in the background or else shot from behind, but there were a couple of shots taken where I was in full view and speaking dialogue. It was left to the film editors whether these would eventually be used with Amy’s voice over-dubbed or else would be replaced with others once Amy returned on Monday.
At four o’clock on Saturday afternoon filming was finished for the week. I returned to the caravan where Sue and Sandra were on duty.
‘Did everything go alright for you Nicola?’ asked Sue as she helped me to change out of my costume.
‘Yes, I think so, once I’d got used to wearing the Victorian costume.’
‘We’d better take off those breast forms to examine your skin underneath,’ she said once the costume was safely stowed away and I’d changed back into the twenty-first century.
‘Alright, but please peel them off gently as they appear to be stuck on quite firmly.’
She did so and cleaned the area underneath with an antiseptic wipe.
‘There doesn’t seem to be any problems with your skin. Would you like to leave them off for tonight or are you happy for me to put them straight back?’
‘You may as well put them back. I’ve got used to my new shape over the last week and it will feel odd to be without them.’
Sue smiled and carefully glued them back in place. Once again, I was required to hold them in place until the glue cured.
‘There you are, they should be alright now until we finish filming next week. You can get dressed again.’
‘Thanks. I feel more confident having them securely in place, especially if I am playing bowls tomorrow afternoon.’
‘Yes, it looks as if it is going to be a fine day for the bowls match, so I’ve found you this dress to wear. You are welcome to borrow it,’ she said pointing to a light pink floral printed dress with a fitted bodice, and a box pleated midi skirt, that was hanging on a hook.
‘Would you like to try it on?’
‘Alright, thanks.’
‘It will be too hot to wear tights tomorrow, so you’ll need to make sure that your legs are nice and smooth,’ she added as she zipped up the dress for me
‘Frances waxed them for me last weekend and there’s not much sign of any regrowth, but I’ll go over them with my electric razor tonight.’
I looked at myself in the mirror. It was a very feminine but attractive style and the colouring seemed to suit me. Sue and her staff clearly knew their job.
‘Thank you,’ I said, about to change back.
‘What about some shoes to go with the dress?’ asked Sue
‘Amy bought a pair of low- heeled sling-backs for me to wear last week.’
‘What colour are they?’
‘They’re black’.
She shook her head.
‘What about the heels that you’ve been wearing?’ she asked.
‘They belong to Amy, she loaned them to me for the weekend.’
‘They would look better with the dress, but If you’re going to wear sandals with bare legs, you’ll need to paint your toenails.’
‘I don’t have any nail varnish and won’t be able to get hold of any by Sunday.’
Sue turned to Sandra, who had been looking on during our conversation.
‘Do we have a nail varnish to suit this dress, and maybe a matching lipstick as well.
Sandra sorted through her supplies and brought two items over.
‘Thank you.’
Sandra looked at her watch/
‘I’ve an hour free before I’m due to finish work today and there’s no-one else that needs my help, I could give Nicola a manicure and pedicure, if it is ok with you, Sue?’
‘What do you think, Nicola?’ Sue asked.
‘Alright, if you don’t mind. I’ve never worn nail varnish before.
Sandra trimmed and painted my toenails and let them dry using foam toe separators.
‘It’s always easier to have help with painting your toes. Now let me have a look at your fingers.
I held them out for her to inspect.
‘Your fingernails aren’t too bad, but they could do with some gel tips so that we can shape them nicely.’
‘Alright but nothing too long that might impede my riding.’
‘Leave it to me.’
Forty-five minutes later I came away with elegantly extended and shaped fingernails covered with several coats of pink lacquer expertly applied.
‘What do you think?’ asked Sandra.
‘They look very nice, especially with this dress, but won’t it all have to come off before I start filming again on Tuesday.’
‘Not necessarily, there are kid-gloves and riding boots to go with your outfit,’ said Sue.
‘I have to go off shift now but make sure your nails are fully dry before you attempt to change out of that the dress and sandals,' said Sandra.
‘Don’t worry, I’ll help her to get changed so she doesn’t spoil her lovely nails,’ said Sue with a smile.
Later that evening, as I worked on Amy’s fan mail, I speculated whether the costume and makeup staff were part of a conspiracy to keep me looking so good as a young woman over the weekend. I even half wondered whether Amy might have put them up to it. But if so why, and what did it matter to anyone other than me? The main thing though was that I was enjoying my life as Nicola.
As promised by the weather forecast, Sunday morning proved to be a bright sunny day with no clouds in the sky. I showered and washed my hair and spent much of the morning getting myself ready to go out. I ensured that there was no trace of unwanted hair on my legs, arms and armpits. This was the first occasion that I was responsible for my dress, hair and makeup as Nicola, entirely on my own, without Amy or one of the costume staff looking on. I took extra care, to achieve a look that was appropriate to the occasion, remembering everything that I’d been told on different occasions. Using a combination of concealer, foundation and face powder that Amy had given me. I achieved a flawless skin tone but without going over the top. My eyebrows and lashes were already in pretty good shape, thanks to the previous ministrations of the makeup staff. I therefore concentrated on the eyelids and brow bones to create a subtle smoky effect. Sandra had been right in her choice of colour of the lipstick and nail varnish so that my hands, feet and lips now picked out the principal colour of the dress I would be wearing. The dress and the shoes fitted perfectly and looked good. I finished off the look with a discrete necklace and pair of earrings that Amy had loaned to me the previous weekend when we went out for a meal together.
I took one last glance at myself in the mirror and approved of what I saw, before making my way to the makeup caravan, where Sue, Frances and Sandra were waiting for me.
‘You look great Nikki, I can see that you’re a fast learner,’ said Sue.
‘So, you think I look alright?’ I asked tentatively.
‘More than alright, you look lovely. I knew that dress and those shoes would be just right for you.’
The other two nodded in agreement.
I smiled and blushed simultaneously, as we made our way to the village.
Next week: Amy's return
Thanks for the comments and corrections everyone. Feel free to keep them coming.
Louise
![]() |
Sometimes life has a habit of creeping up on you and sending you careering down a different and unexpected trajectory.
Copyright © 2021 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
The bowling match in the beer garden at the Swan Inn in the village proved to be a great success at bringing together those members of the cast and crew remaining on location. All concerned seemed to have had a great time, myself included. I was not aware of anyone present treating me with disrespect and I even noticed one or two admiring glances from both men and women. Frank, who was in the same team as me, looked approvingly at me at one point although he said nothing beyond a smile and polite greeting. In the event, it turned out that although the high-heeled sandals suggested by Sue looked good, they were not the correct shoes to wear for a match on a bowling green, but several other ladies had made the same mistake. It was quite acceptable for us to slip off our shoes and bowl barefoot when it was our turn to go, and I was pleased that Sandra had painted my toenails for me. But apart from this one minor gaffe I thoroughly enjoyed the afternoon. Thus, I soon grew in confidence, and was pleased to have been invited. I was not particularly good at playing bowls but was nowhere near the worst and so did not let my side down.
‘Will you be coming to join us for a drink in the bar to celebrate our victory, Nikki?’ asked Jenny once the match was over.
‘Alright, but only for one drink, if you don’t mind. I promised to finish some secretarial work for Amy before she gets back from London tonight.’
‘I trust that she will be paying you,’ she said.
‘No, but she has been really good to me over the last week, it will be a means of my repaying her.’
‘So what would you like to drink?’
‘A white wine and soda, please.’
A few minutes later Jenny and I were in conversation.
‘I was looking at the rushes for Friday and Saturday this morning. You really have done well over the last few days, everyone there commented about how well you have adapted to your new gender role,’ she began. ‘Amy will have to watch her step or you will be taking over from her.’
I smiled politely, knowing that she this last comment was not serious.
‘I thought you had reservations about my body language.’
‘That was just a minor hiccup on your first day. Ever since you’ve been fine and there has been nothing that we can’t use. In fact, the scenes with you on horseback impressed Frank so much that he’s talking about adding to the shooting schedule next Thursday to try and get in some more action shots focussing on you and Guy Lemon.’
(Guy Lemon was the actor playing Lord Lufton, the male second lead, who was also an accomplished horseman.)
‘Really? He hasn’t said anything to me.’
‘I know but he never says much to the actors when all is going well. You would know soon enough if he was unhappy.’
At that point we were joined by Sue and several others and I was pleased that our conversation moved on to other more general topics. The talk was relaxed and friendly and I was happy to stay for a while although conscious that I’d promised to do some work for Amy. After half an hour or so at the bar I was about offer to buy the others a drink before I left, but Frank got in before me and offered to buy a round. Sue and I politely declined as we were just about to leave.
‘How did it go this afternoon, Nikki?’ asked Sue as we were walking back to the set.
‘Alright thanks, our team came second.’
She smiled.
‘I was asking how you got on. Have you enjoyed yourself this afternoon?’
‘Yes, I think so. It was fun. For the first time as a girl I felt that I was not in Amy’s shadow or hiding behind her and personality.
‘I’m glad to hear that. Now remember what I told you earlier and be your own person.'
I returned to Amy’s caravan where I finished typing the address labels and practised her handwriting and signature on a few spare ones. I concluded that, if she wanted me to do so I might be able to sign and respond to her fan mail, just as her personal assistant had done in the past. I suppose I might have changed into a more comfortable dress or the trouser suit, as I now had plenty of clean clothes to choose from but I felt so good about the way I looked and felt that I was unwilling to break the spell. I was also looking forward to Amy’s reaction upon seeing me..
Soon after eleven o’clock I heard a sports car draw up outside the caravan, followed by voices, a car door closing and the car driving away again at speed. A minute or two later Amy appeared at the door of the caravan looking flushed but quite elated.
‘Hi Amy, how did the TV awards go?’ I asked.
‘I didn’t win, but it was useful publicity for me to be shortlisted and I’m only twenty so there will always be another time to win.’
‘I’m sorry about that.’
‘No problem, the main thing was that I was photographed and interviewed on the red carpet, and there was a great party afterwards. ‘
‘Maybe the present film will get you noticed once it is released.’
She smiled.
‘We’ll have to see.’
‘So how is your sprained wrist?’
‘I think it has pretty well healed now, thanks Nikki,’ she said, ‘although maybe you could give me a hand lifting my case on to the rack in my room.’
I stood up from the desk where I had been sitting ready to give her a hand.
‘Are you sure you are ok, you appear to be perspiring,’ I commented.
‘Oh that’s nothing, just a runny nose due to my hay fever, I’ll be fine in the morning.’
She seemed to want to change the subject.
‘Well, I must say Miss Stevens, you’ve made great strides with your appearance over the last week. I remember last Sunday evening it was a struggle to get you to wear a dress, let alone heels, but just look at you now! You look great.’
I blushed but I also felt pleased with her comment.
‘Thank you’.
‘Have you been out on a date or found yourself an admirer while I’ve been away?’ she asked.
Before I could answer, she threw in another question.
‘And where did the lovely outfit come from?’
‘Sue, the costume supervisor loaned it to me so I could go out for a bowls match this afternoon. I’ll have to return everything at the end of this week.’
‘And who did your hair and makeup?’
‘Sandra did my nails for me, I said holding out my fingers for inspection, ‘but everything else is due to my own efforts.’
‘Very smart. I think you’d better come through to my room and tell me what has been going on while I’ve been away, whilst I unpack my case.’
Amy seemed quite restless and not at all inclined to go to bed, so over the next half an hour or so I explained everything that had happened on set since the Friday.
‘So, they seem to have made good progress with filming whilst I’ve been away. But you still haven’t told me the details of why you are wearing that lovely dress.’
‘As I said, this afternoon Sue and her staff arranged for some social activities between those members of the cast and crew who were remaining on set for the weekend. It was a bowls match followed by a drink in the local pub. They were short of lady members of the cast so she loaned me this dress from the Costume Store as otherwise I would have had nothing to wear.’
‘I’m now sorry to have missed the fun, particularly with you looking the way you do. Although maybe it is just as well as I might have been overshadowed by my own stand-in,’ said Amy with a grin.
I blushed and changed the subject by showing her the pile of addressed letters and cards now waiting for her signature.
‘Thank you so much for doing these, I’ll try and get them all signed tomorrow evening and then we can post them.’
‘I did try one or two examples where I have attempted to copy your handwriting for the greeting and signature. If you’re happy with the idea I have no commitments tomorrow and probably won’t be needed on set. I could perhaps sign them all for you.’
I handed Amy a couple of examples of my forgeries.
‘Nikki, you’re an angel! Yes please,’ she replied, giving me a kiss on the cheek.
‘There’s one other thing I wanted to ask you.’
‘What’s that?’ replied Amy.
‘When will you be returning to London?’ ! asked.
‘We are scheduled to finish on Friday afternoon. I’ve arranged a car for Saturday afternoon to give me time to pack. But I will be back on location somewhere in Hertfordshire two weeks later.;
‘I’m due to finish my filming commitments on Thursday evening but have been asked to be on stand-by on Friday just in case of any retakes or I am needed as an extra by the second unit. So they won’t be changing me back into Nicholas until Saturday morning. Friday is going to be my twentieth birthday and so I wondered whether we could perhaps have dinner together at the local pub, since it will be my last full-day as Nicola.’
I would not have dared to ask Amy out when I was Nicholas, but somehow as Nicola it seemed to be alright. After all, I wasn’t asking her out on a date or anything like that, merely to join in my birthday celebration.
‘Do they provide meals there?’
‘Yes, I checked this afternoon. It will be my treat. I could even wear this dress again if you wanted me to. I don’t need to return it to Sue until the following day.
After a moment’s consideration, she smiled.
‘Yes, alright, I’d be happy to go out with you for dinner on Friday. It’s not exactly the ‘girls’ night’ out’ I had in mind for our last night together, but it will be better than staying in. I should be finished by about six thirty and so we can take a walk down there as soon as I’m changed.’
‘Thanks. I’ll now go and get that dress that you loaned to me before you left. It’s washed and ironed.’
‘No, that’s alright, you can hang on to it for the time being and maybe you could wear it on set tomorrow.’
‘But the other clothes that you bought for me last week are all now clean, and in any event, I don’t think I’m going to be needed on set tomorrow.’
‘Some of the clothes I bought for you last week were a little bit dull, but now that everyone has seen how good you look wearing a dress and makeup, I think you should continue to do so, even though you may not be working. The more practice you get before our meal on Thursday evening, the better.’
‘Alright then,’ I replied with a smile.
I went to bed but I heard Amy moving around the caravan for some time afterwards.
The following day Amy appeared to have recovered from both her hay-fever and her sprained wrist so she left early to go to costume and makeup prior to filming the missing shots with the second unit. In the meanwhile, I followed her advice and wore her dress and put on some makeup before appearing on set to check that I wasn’t going to be needed that day. The first person I came across was Joan, who seemed quite pleased to see me.
‘Good morning, Nikki, I was just coming to find you. Frank is arranging a briefing at eleven o’clock in the marquee for everyone involved with the hunt scenes.
‘No problem, I’ll be there.
‘Some of the meeting will be technical and only involve the crew but he wants you and Guy to attend for the first twenty minutes or so.’
‘Fine, is there anything else I’m needed for?’
‘Not as far as I’m concerned.’
Two hours later I attended the briefing, which mainly concerned the technical crew and those who would be organising the hunt. Joe Stanley, the locations manager begun the proceedings.
‘As you know, the hunt sequence is going to be a drag hunt, where the dogs will follow a deliberately laid scent-trail. No animals will be hunted or killed during the proceedings, although we will be adding some stock shots of a running fox at the editing stage. The last thing we want is to be accused of animal cruelty or illegal hunting in the press. It will be up to the whips to keep the pack together and prevent the hounds from rioting or chasing after any other quarry. This should ensure that the hunt follows a predictable course where the cameras are ready and that no wild animals are killed in the process.’
Frank went through the shooting schedule for the next three days.
‘Tuesday will be largely devoted to wide aerial shots, taken by a combination of crane shots, drones and a helicopter hired for the purpose. The whole hunt sequence is going to be expensive to stage so the aim will be to get as much footage as possible to give the editors a good choice for the final cut. There will be plenty of room so make sure that you don’t foul one another’s shots.’
‘Where would you like Nikki and I to be for these scenes?’ asked Guy.
‘You will just join the other riders for tomorrow, the Assistant Directors will show you exactly where they want you to be. Then on Wednesday we aim to get various medium full and full shots from static cameras at good locations and also using cameras mounted on a couple of off-road buggies. These will attempt to keep up with the horses and dogs. We are going to need some shots with you and Nikki in frame together, so please try and stick together as much as possible in the gallop.’
‘Thursday will be reserved for a series of medium action shots taken by static cameras at specific locations where there are water jumps. These will centre on Guy and Nikki together with several of the extras in the background.
Guy turned to me and whispered with a smile.
‘This is all your fault, Nikki, they have added an extra day to the schedule, when they discovered that they had a competent lady rider to stand in for Amy.’
‘I’m sorry about that.’
‘That’s all right in fact I am quite looking forward to it.’
Nikki, you will be wearing a veil so it ought to be possible for the cameras to get in close without giving away that we are using a stand in for Amy.’
’
The remainder of the meeting was quite technical and concerned such things as camera angles, bridging shots, axis of action or available light. Thus, Guy and I were excused for the rest of the day. I asked and was granted, permission to take Moonbeam out on one further practice run before filming. I quickly put on the 1850s riding habit and feathered hat, but this time also added the veil which many women of the time wore to protect their faces. Riding side saddle dressed in Victorian ladies’ costume certainly provided challenges. quite apart from that of maintaining my seat. For example, the side saddle rider is unable to give directions to the horse using the pressure of her right thigh and must therefore gently use a whip which she holds in her right hand, which the horse needs to get used to. However, Moonbeam was a well-behaved horse and after a couple of hours of practice riding in both the woods and open fields. I returned her to the stables, satisfied that we would probably be alright.
Next week: Filming th hunt scenes
Thanks for the comments and corrections everyone. Feel free to keep them coming.
Louise
![]() |
Sometimes life has a habit of creeping up on you and sending you careering down a different and unexpected trajectory.
Copyright © 2021 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
I returned to Amy’s caravan where I continued signing her photographs and had just about finished the backlog by the time Amy returned from the set at about six thirty after a full day of filming.
‘How did it go?‘ I asked.
‘Fine, we’re back on schedule and I think we are both forgiven for the accident last week. Are they all set now for the hunt sequence tomorrow?’ she asked.
‘I believe so, I’m due at costume and makeup at 7.30am. Will you be required on set tomorrow?’
‘I’ll need to retake a few shots tomorrow morning using the second crew but after than I’ve nothing to do in the afternoon and for the whole of Wednesday, thanks to you. I’ve been asked to be available on standby on Thursday afternoon as they're planning to rewrite one outdoor scene where I’ll substitute for you at one point and deliver some dialogue. It also now looks as if Friday is going to be a long day of filming as Guy Lemon has other commitments from the weekend onwards.’
‘All of this rescheduling was due to them deciding to extend the time allocated to the hunt scenes by one day.'
‘So I understand – your fault again,’ she said with a grin.
‘I’m sorry about that.’
‘Don’t worry, it has worked out fine for me. I met this cool guy called Rob Singleton at the ‘after-show party’ on Saturday night and he drove me back here on Sunday night. He called me and is now planning to drive back on Tuesday night to take me out to dinner in a Michelin starred restaurant near Chippenham.’
‘That sounds quite expensive. What does he do for a living?’ I asked.
‘I’m not absolutely sure but money doesn’t seem to be a problem for him. Normally you have to make a reservation at this restaurant weeks in advance, so he must have bribed someone.’
‘But what happened about the last guy you were going out with?’
‘Joe Rogers? He’s gay but still in the closet. We went out together for the sake of both our careers – to give the press something to write about.’
‘Oh, I see. I hope you have a good time tomorrow night.’
‘Thanks, and don’t wait up for me.’
She then changed the subject.
‘Talking of posh meals, Frank wants to have a talk with both of us on Friday after we finish shooting. I explained that it was your birthday and we were planning to get away promptly and have dinner together at the local pub but he was adamant that he wanted to speak to us both together, and it was the only time he has free. However, he has offered to treat us both to dinner in an expensive restaurant in Salisbury instead; would that be alright with you?’
‘I suppose so,’ I replied. ‘You can’t exactly refuse an invitation from ‘The Director' of the film, but what does he want to talk to us about?’
‘I’ve no idea.’
‘He does realise that I will be going as Nicola?’
‘Yes, I reminded him that you’d still be in girl mode until Saturday morning, but he said that since you looked great as Nicola it wouldn’t be a problem.’
‘Alright, in that case I’ll wear the dress that Sue loaned me last Sunday, or do you think that it’s a bit too girly?’
‘No, I don’t think it’s too girly, but since it’s your birthday on Friday and Frank is paying the bill, I suggest that we should both dress up for the occasion. I’ll wear the dress that I wore to the awards last week. You could wear my black and silver outfit, the one you tried on last Wednesday and which looked so good on you. I’ll arrange to pay Sandra to stay on and do our hair and makeup for us before we leave so we can both look our best and impress Frank.’
‘Isn’t that rather going over the top?’
‘Not at all! As it’s also going to be your last full day as Nicola, so I think we should both allow ourselves a small celebration.’
‘Alright then, if you don’t mind lending me your dress and you think it will look alright on me,’ I replied.
‘Leave it to me and I’ll make the necessary arrangements while you’re filming over the next couple of days.
In the event, the filming the hunt scene went smoothly given the numbers of cast crew and extras involved. This was largely due to the detailed planning involved, as a single paragraph in the script, had to be translated into three whole days of filming and broken down into nearly ninety storyboards. On the first day I was on set in costume and makeup by 8.30 am and walked towards the stables.
‘Good morning Nikki, no hunting costume?’ said Guy, who was dressed in a traditional black hunting jacket and fawn waistcoat.
I was dressed in the royal blue riding habit designed for Amy, whereas everyone else was wearing black hunt coats.
‘No, it was a deliberate choice by the directors and costume designers. They’d decided that the character of Lucy Robarts, would not have been able to afford a separate hunting costume. That way I’ll be readily recognisable in any long shots.’
‘As always, you look very nice.’
‘Thank you, kind sir.’
We went to collect our respective mounts. Alan had Moonbeam ready saddled and helped me to mount and passed me the whip.
‘Good luck, Nikki, and take care of Moonbeam for us. I will be on set behind the cameras in case there are any issues with the horses. We should get a good view of the gallop without fouling any of the camera angles.’
‘I trust there will also be a paramedic on hand as well in case there are any issues with the riders,’ I said with a grin. ‘But don’t worry, I promise not to let any harm come to Moonbeam. You should be able to pick the two of us out during the gallop without too much difficulty.’
Although I’ve never been a particular fan of the idea hunting foxes with dogs and I would never have been able to afford to take part in a drag hunt, I have ridden astride in several steeplechases whilst working as a stable lad and there is no denying ‘the thrill of the chase’ in such circumstances. Only Guy and I from the main cast were going to be present for the hunt scenes, all the other riders, including a couple of women were experienced horse-riders employed as extras. This inevitably meant that I, and to a lesser extent Guy, were very much the centre of attention when planning the different shots. This was even more so as I was riding side-saddle, and there were helicopters and drones flying overhead. Nonetheless, Moonbeam and the other horses involved behaved impeccably. Inevitably there were occasions when the horses had to be reined in so that the same shots could be repeated several times to provide a range of footage from different angles, but there were also times when the horses were given ‘free rein’ to follow the dogs for a mile or more at full gallop before they needed to be rested.
We continued filming for as long as the light held but eventually returned the horses to be fed and groomed.
‘That was most impressive riding, especially in that costume,’ said Joe, one of my former flatmates, as he helped me to dismount. ‘I was watching the gallop from that hill over there.’
‘Thanks Joe., we’ll now have to see how she behaves tomorrow when we are being chased by a couple of off-road vehicles,’ I said giving Moonbeam a friendly pat before she was led away to be given a rub-down and fed.
I hadn’t seen Amy all day. She had still been asleep when I left the caravan to go to costume and makeup that morning and then she had been filming indoors with the second unit for the remainder of the morning. There was no sign of her when I eventually returned feeling exhausted but elated after a day’s riding; she had presumably left to go on her date. I therefore took a shower and went to bed early. I was awakened by the sound of her boyfriend’s sports car drive up and looking at my phone I noticed it was 4.30 a.m. It was just as well she was not required for filming on Wednesday as well. Amy went quietly to bed, but I was now fully awake and unable to get back to sleep again. My mind was racing, remembering everything that had happened to me during the last ten days and wondering what I was going to do once we finished filming and I had to revert to my male persona.
As far as I was concerned, the time so far spent as Nicola had been one of the most interesting and enjoyable periods in my life. This was not only because of the novelty of filming or the horse riding but primarily because I got to experience life in a new gender. It wasn’t just a question of having long hair and eyelashes, or wearing different clothes and makeup, or sharing a caravan with a starlet. It was rather about being accepted and appreciated. But unfortunately, I only had three days of filming left before having to revert to being a boy and would have to leave to find a new job and somewhere to live. I then got to wondering whether there was any capacity in which I might continue as Nicola for a while. It seemed most unlikely but perhaps I could ask Frank when I saw him on Friday?
Sue, the Assistant Director, and Guy, were waiting for me when I arrived on set after costume and makeup on Wednesday morning. She handed us both a revised schedule
‘The shoot went pretty well yesterday but we are going to need to record some more soundtrack of the hunt at full gallop for use with the drone and helicopter footage.’
‘Will you need Guy and me for that?’ I asked.
‘No, we can probably make do with the other riders to provide us with the necessary soundtrack, but we will need you both on set until about 11.00 a.m. That’s when we’ll begin filming from the two off-road vehicles and we have to ensure that you are both in a good line of sight for the cameras.’
‘I trust that there’ll be no danger of them crashing into the riders,’ said Guy.
‘I don’t think so, as long as you both can control your mounts. The production designers have chosen the location carefully and the drivers are very experienced. It may be a bit hairy for the cameramen, though.’
‘Amy mentioned that you are also planning some changes on Thursday afternoon,’ I said.
‘Yes, we would now like you to take a fall after one of the jumps, but don’t worry we’ll ensure that you have a soft landing and that Moonbeam isn’t spooked during the filming. Guy will ride up and dismount, and then we’ll have Amy come in and deliver a couple of lines. After that Guy will help you to remount.’
‘Alright so long as it is a soft landing.’ I said.
Sue smiled, as if to say ‘she hoped so too’ but then walked away to talk to the camera team.
‘As we are not going to be needed for an hour or so shall we get ourselves some breakfast, Nikki?' asked Guy. ‘There’s something I would like to talk to you about.’
‘Okay, but I’ll just have a coffee, if that’s alright’ I replied, pleased to be invited.
I was puzzled by Guy’s invitation and wondered what he might wish to say to me. He was good looking, in his late twenties and at last beginning to make a name for himself as an actor, having progressed within a few films from secondary roles, to the deuteragonist (second lead) and at last to the protagonist or main lead. The character of Lucy Robarts would be his ‘love interest’ in the story. Any girl would have been happy to be seen having a coffee with him and for the next few days, at least, I included myself in that category. Yet Guy was also known to be happily married with two young children, so there was no danger of any dalliance with cast members. Of course, he knew all about my background but had always treated me with politeness and respect. Thus, we chatted inconsequentially for ten minutes or so whilst we ordered our coffees and took them to an empty table. He then turned to the subject on his mind.
‘So, where’s our leading lady today?’ he asked.
‘She was still sleeping when I left the caravan,’ I replied. ‘She went out on a hot date last night and came back quite late.’
‘Hmm, Amy is a talented young actress, but she needs to watch her step if she wants to have a long-term career. There are plenty of guys out there, intent on seducing young starlets.’
‘I’m sure Amy can look after herself, we may be dressed as if we are living in the mid-nineteenth century, but we are living in the twenty-first century,’ I replied.
‘Maybe, but it isn’t just a question of her losing her unsullied reputation. A friend saw her at a showbiz party last weekend snorting coke ‘like there was no tomorrow’. The man she was with is also a well-known dealer. Someone should have a word with her before it gets in the press or she gets arrested for possession or even drug-dealing. That’s quite apart from what it’ll ultimately do to her appearance.’
‘In that case why don’t you speak to her?’
‘I’m not sure she would take it from me, I’m seven years her senior and married, and I wouldn’t want to shop her to Frank or the production company. But she may be more willing to take advice from you as you are of a similar age.’
‘I’m just her stand-in, I can’t tell her what or what not to do. In any event, after Saturday, I won’t have any dealings with her.’
‘That’s a pity. I should hate to see her career ruined through her own stupidity.’
‘Perhaps you could have a word with her manager?’ I suggested.
‘I doubt if I’ll get the chance. I’ll be finishing here on Friday and I’m then going to the States for several weeks for my next film.’
I didn’t answer, not knowing what to do. Finally, he broke the silence.
‘We had better collect our horses and re-join the main group of riders in good time to begin today’s filming.’
Wednesday proved to be the most exciting of the three days devoted to the hunt as the mobile cameras were now much closer to the riders, especially to Guy and myself. Fortunately, our horses did not pay too much attention to the 4x4 with camera crew running a few feet away from them. Amy came on set towards the end of the afternoon, presumably having spent much of the rest of the day catching up with her sleep. We had just finished filming for the day and one of the stable lads had taken Moonbeam to be rubbed down. She joined me as I walked back towards the ladies’ costume and makeup caravan. I wondered whether I should say something about what I had learned from Guy, but what could I say? In any event she now looked a picture of health.
‘How did you get on Tuesday night?’
‘It was great, we had a wonderful meal,’ she replied, but she didn’t seem willing to elaborate, especially as to what they were doing until 4.30 a.m.
She then changed the subject.
‘By the way, I’ve made all the necessary arrangements for our joint date with Frank on Friday evening. We’ll meet him at the restaurant and I’ve ordered a taxi for seven thirty. You should be free during the afternoon so Sandra can fix your hair and makeup first whilst I finish my filming. Then she can be free to help me get ready.’
I decided that it was not my place to comment on her actions the previous Saturday.
Next week:
Thanks for the comments and corrections everyone. Feel free to keep them coming.
Louise
![]() |
Sometimes life has a habit of creeping up on you and sending you careering down a different and unexpected trajectory.
Copyright © 2021 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Thursday involved filming a number of medium-close-up and close-up inserts of Guy and myself together with a few other riders in the background. These were to be interposed between the longer hunt scenes to give more variety. The inserts were taken from static cameras although they did involve a degree of horsemanship, (or perhaps in my case horsewomanship) leaping over hedges or across brooks.
The planned ‘fall’ sequence proved to be totally without danger either to myself or to Moonbeam, indeed the horse seemed to enjoy the game as we had to repeat the exercise several times so that it could be filmed from several different angles. I was, encouraged by Frank to use my ‘inner thespian skills’ and let out a little girlish cry before launching myself onto a pile of mattresses placed just out of shot. Amy, dressed in the duplicate costume, then took over from me so she could stare lovingly into Guy’s eyes and exchange a few breathless words with him. Then, I took over once again so that Guy could help me regain my mount and ride off to re-join the hunt. At that point we stopped for coffee from flasks whilst the crew set up the next shot.
‘Do you think that last scene will be ok. It somehow seemed a bit artificial and staged to me?’ I asked Alison, one of the Assistant Directors.
‘Of course it seems staged, that’s what we do when we make movies. Once the film editors have got hold of the footage and some appropriate mood music has been added to the soundtrack, it’ll probably prove to be one of the most memorable scenes in the film.’
Over the last ten days I had learned so much about the fascinating process of creating a convincing visual representation out of the ideas in some guy’s head written down more than a century and a half ago. I would love to continue to be a part of this process, if I could, although in what capacity wasn’t then clear to me.
The final sequence of the day only required Guy and the Master of the Hunt so I was released early to take Moonbeam back to the stables, where I managed to dismount without assistance.
‘Well, old girl, we’ve certainly had some interesting times together over the last fortnight,’ I said whilst stroking the pony’s forehead.
The horse stirred, seeming to appreciate the attention shown to her.
‘I’m going to miss you, Moonbeam, but it’s now time for me to look for another job.’
As I was speaking to the horse, Alan, my former flat mate, and Jerry Ruderman the owner of the company providing the horses, came into the stable yard. This time I didn’t feel in the least self-conscious about the way I was dressed.
‘We saw you on Moonbeam during that gallop scene yesterday morning, it was most impressive, said Jerry. ‘Thank you for taking such good care of Moonbeam..
‘It’s been my pleasure,’ I replied with a smile. ‘When will you be taking the horses back to Ireland?’
‘Tomorrow. The horse transporters will be arriving first thing and we have an afternoon ferry crossing to Rosslare.’
‘How about yourself? What plans do you have?’ asked Alan.
‘I’m due to change back to my old self first thing on Saturday and then I’ll have look for another job, probably in London.’
‘Will you look for a job in films?’
‘It would be a nice idea, but I don’t think this kind of opportunity comes up more than once in a single lifetime.’
‘No, I suppose not. Well good luck,’ he continued.
‘Thank you and the same to yourselves. Please take care of Moonbeam for me.’
‘We will,’ Alan replied.
With a final farewell pat on the horse’s forehead, I left the stable and made my way to the costume and makeup caravan to change out of my riding costume for the last time. Amy was there having already changed and was talking to Sue, who now turned to address me.
‘Ah Nikki, tomorrow we will be filming Amy and Guy together with a few extras. We will require your services to stand-in for Amy during the lighting set-up and camera rehearsals whilst they are getting ready. You won’t need to be in costume and should be finished by midday.’
‘Will there be anything else during the afternoon?’ I asked.
‘No, that’ll be it for the time being, but I’m sure that Frank will want to thank you for your services. They have helped us a lot.’
After dinner, Amy and I spent an hour or so going through her lines ready for the next day and then a further hour addressing envelopes for the photographs that I’d signed on her behalf, before going to bed.
The following morning, I was to be responsible for my own dress and makeup. The weather was fine and sunny so I put on the summer dress that had been loaned to me for the bowling match and was just finishing my makeup when Amy came into my room carrying a cardboard box with a pink ribbon and bow, together with a pink birthday card.
‘Happy birthday, Nicola,’ she said handing the card to me as she kissed me on the cheek.
I opened the card, it was endorsed ‘To my good friend Nicola, my beautiful Stand-in. With love from Amy xx.’
Before I could respond she handed me the box.
‘These are for you to wear this evening, I wanted you to have something special to go with my dress.’
I opened the box. Inside was an expensive looking lingerie set in light grey satin with a lace trim. There was a matching bra, panties, chemise, suspender belt and basque together with a matching pair of stockings.
‘Thank you, Amy,’ I answered, stunned, ‘I wasn’t expecting anything like this.’
‘Well those clothes I bought for you at the beginning were not exactly feminine and you have been so good at embracing your new persona that I thought you deserved to have something luxurious to wear on your birthday.’
‘I don’t know what to say,’ I replied blushing.
‘The ‘thank you’ will be enough; now I will have to leave you to go to costume and you are due on set in ten minutes. You will find I have laid both our dresses for tonight on my bed together with a couple of clutch bags, the shoes and some jewellery for us to wear. We’ll also need a couple of shawls in case it gets cold tonight. Would you mind taking my things over to the costume department for me this afternoon so I can get changed into them as soon as I come off set.’
‘Yes of course. Are you sure that you don’t mind me borrowing your clothes to wear?’
‘You are welcome, although I’ll be wanting them back - except of course for the lingerie and the clothes I bought for you a fortnight ago – they are yours to keep.’
‘My duties on Friday morning were not particularly arduous. A young rigger and I were required to stand in for Amy and Guy while the remainder of the crew worked out the lighting and camera angles, but this proved to be a little more time consuming than normal. Then, just as they finished; a bulb in one of the spotlights blew, which set everyone back for nearly half an hour whilst a replacement was found. Thus, the crew were nearly an hour behind schedule before they could start filming and I could see Amy and Guy waiting impatiently off-camera.
‘Make sure you’re ready and everything is ready for me by the time I come off set,’ Amy said as we exchanged places.
‘Don’t worry, everything you need will be waiting for you,’ I replied.
I took an early lunch and then made my way to Amy’s caravan where I had a shower and washed my hair. Whilst waiting for it to dry I put on the luxurious underwear that Amy had bought for me. By this time, I’d worn a variety of female costumes from both the nineteenth and twenty-first centuries but I’d never before worn a basque, a suspender belt or stockings which took me some time to get right. Once I’d finished, I stared at my image in the mirror for some time, unsure what to think. I didn’t want to create too much of a spectacle so I put on the dress I’d been wearing and decided to take our clothes for the evening to the costume and makeup caravan and get dressed there. In any event, Sandra liked to work with a clean slate so I did not renew my makeup after my shower.
I went into Amy’s bedroom to collect the items she had left out for us to wear that evening. The two dresses lay on her bed with a shopping bag containing two dainty pairs of high-heeled shoes each one intended to co-ordinate with one of the dresses, two embroidered shawls neatly folded, and a plastic box containing various items of jewellery. I checked this to see what she had chosen for me to wear. There were two expensive looking necklaces, two bracelets and two pairs of diamond earrings, except that one of the earrings was missing. I opened the drawer in her dressing table where she usually kept her jewellery and soon found the misplaced earring, but in doing so I noticed a blue plastic bag containing several grams of a fine, white, crystalline powder. The powder had a sweet floral scent, but with chemical undertones. I was not well acquainted with the drug scene, but I knew enough to be able to identify cocaine, and to realise that Guy’s information source had been correct.
I sat on the bed and pondered what to do. Amy had been so good to me and there was no way that I was willing to spoil be our last evening together by confronting her with my discoveries. I would not even speak of them to anyone else in case the story should get into the press, However, her recent reckless behaviour suggested it would be only a matter of time before it did so.
I turned up at the costume and makeup caravan just after three bringing with me everything that Amy and I were going to wear. Chloe and Sandra were just finishing a coffee as this was their quiet period whilst the performers were working on set.
‘Hi Nikki, we’ve plenty of time before Amy is due to finish. So we may as well make a start on your hair and makeup, said Sandra.
‘Slip out of the dress you’re wearing whilst I find you a dressing gown to put on,’ suggested Chloe. ‘You can hang the others on the rack over there.’
I did as she instructed.
‘Wow, just look at you,’ said Sandra admiring my new underwear.
‘They were a birthday present from Amy,’ I said blushing. ‘This is going to be my last night as Nicola.’
‘In that case I’ll have to make sure the birthday girl looks her best for the evening.’
I took the offered dressing gown.
‘Before we start, which is that the dress that you are planning to wear tonight?’ she asked.
I took it from the rack and held it up in front of me.
‘Amy is lending it to me, what do you think?’
‘It’s a lovely dress, I think I’ve seen Amy on television wearing it before now.’
‘So you don’t think it is over the top for me?’
‘Not at all, I’m sure you'll look stunning. I would love to have the opportunity of wearing a dress like that.’
Sandra was an expert at her job and over the next two hours I had the pleasurable experience of sitting back in my chair whilst she carefully shaped my eyebrows, trimmed and styled my hair and made up my face. As she did so we chatted to one another and she explained to me what cosmetic colours and textures she was using and the effect she hoped to achieve.
‘I’d no idea there was such a science to what you do.’
‘Oh yes it involves both art and psychology. People wear makeup for two main reasons, seduction and disguise.’
‘I’m not planning on seducing anybody tonight, so I suppose it is for purposes of disguise. But I admit that I do feel more confident when I’m wearing makeup.’
‘Do you mean more confident than as Nicholas, or as Nicola without makeup.’
I thought for a while before replying.
‘Both, I guess. Nicholas never felt entirely comfortable in his skin or sure of what he should be doing with his life.’
‘And Nicola?’
‘Nicola has so far had a great time, but it has only been for a fortnight and it will all be finishing tomorrow.’
So what plans do you have Nikki, now that the horses have left us?’
‘I’ve really no idea. I suppose you will be finishing here tomorrow?’ I said.
‘Yes, as far as this location is concerned, then we have a fortnight in the studio. We are due on location again in Hertfordshire in July.
Once she was finished with my hair and face, Sandra helped me into Amy’s dress and the shoes that went with it. Whilst we waited for Amy to arrive I put on the jewellry and inserted the earrings into the holes in my ears, which had now settled down. I then stood in front of the full-length mirror.
‘You look so lovely in that outfit, and though I say it myself, I think I’ve done a pretty good job on the birthday girl,’ Sandra commented.
‘Thank you,’ I replied, unable to think of anything more intelligent to say.
At that point Sue entered the caravan.
‘Wow, Nikki you look great,’ she said.
‘Thanks,’ was all I could think to say as I was still captivated by my reflection.
However, I was eventually able to gather my thoughts.
‘But whatever has happened to Amy?’ I asked.
‘That’s what I’m here to tell you. They’re running nearly an hour behind schedule, and they must finish filming tonight.’
She left us to re-join the set.
‘Whilst we are waiting for Amy why don’t I replace your nail extensions?’ suggested Sandra.
‘But you only put them on for me a week ago?’
‘I know, but I could do a better job. I held back last weekend as it wouldn’t have been practical to have long nails when you were filming or horse riding, but you have finished now.’
Are you sure? They look alright to me,’ I said examining my nails.
‘Amy has already paid me for my time and I have nothing else to do whilst we wait for her.’
‘Alright then go ahead.’
Sandra had just put a second coat of varnish onto my newly extended and shaped fingernails, when Amy arrived, in costume and looking flustered.
‘I’m so sorry to be so late, everyone, but they were determined to finish the scene as Guy was not going to be available from tomorrow onwards.’
‘No problem,’ said Chloe who helped her to change out of her costume and store it away safely whilst Sandra helped her clean off her film make up. Amy then took the briefest of showers before emerging dressed in her underclothes.
‘I’ve got just over half an hour before our taxi is due to arrive and I’d rather not keep him waiting. Will you do what you can for me please?’
‘OK I’ll do my best for you,’ Sandra replied.
‘Is there anything I can do to help?’ I asked.
‘Not really, thanks. Just sit over there and let your nail varnish dry under the UV drier. I wouldn’t have time to do it again if you mess it up.’
Inevitably the taxi arrived ten minutes early.
‘We could ask the driver to come back in half an hour if you are not quite ready?‘ I suggested.
‘No. we’d better not keep Frank waiting too long. Go out and have quick word to say we’ll be ready in ten minutes.’
I returned after a few minutes.
‘The driver doesn’t mind waiting, but I’m afraid he mistook me for you and called me Miss O’Donnell. I didn’t have the heart to correct him.’
Amy grinned.
‘Well you are my stand-in after all. I suggest we swap bags for the journey. Then you can give him a decent tip and one of the photographs of me that you signed.’
Amy always looked good, but Sandra had only half an hour to do her hair and makeup compared to the two and a half hours she had spent on me. Amy looked perfectly presentable but I looked stunning and felt both guilty and self-conscious as she first looked in the mirror and then at me.
‘Ah well, I suppose it isn’t your fault I was late, and it is your birthday today, Nikki,’ she commented in a resigned voice.
She gave me a squirt of her expensive perfume.
‘Let’s have you smelling as good as you look and then we’ll go and find out what Frank wants to talk to us about.’
Next week: Dinner with Frank
This is the delayed chapter from last Friday. I will publish Chapter 13 over the weekend and then try and get back to the normal Friday postings. Thanks for the comments and corrections everyone. Feel free to keep them coming.
Louise
![]() |
Sometimes life has a habit of creeping up on you and sending you careering down a different and unexpected trajectory.
Copyright © 2021 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Chapter 13
Frank was waiting for us in the car park when our taxi drew up only a few minutes late. He too was looking very smart in an evening suit. I paid the driver and presented him with a signed photograph, as instructed by Amy before joining the others. We then exchanged our clutch bags.
Frank was too much of a gentleman to say anything in front of Amy, but I could see from his expression just how surprised and impressed he was by the way I looked.
‘I understand it’s your birthday today, young lady, may I offer my congratulations.’
I thanked him and blushed in a very lady-like manner. Amy looked on and smiled.
The waiter took our shawls, showed us to our table and helped Amy and me to our seats. I smiled and murmured my thanks, unused to such attention, but enjoyed it, nonetheless. I couldn’t help but notice occasional glances by other diners towards our table and guessed that they were recognizing Amy and perhaps, Frank as well. They seemed oblivious to the glances, which I assumed must come with being famous. As soon as we were settled the waiter passed round the menus, with Frank making small talk whilst we selected our dishes. At last we’d placed our orders and the waiter disappeared. We moved on to discussing the progress of the film and I decided that it would be best for me to listen and leave most of the conversation to my companions. After a few minutes Amy became bored with this conversation.
‘So what did you want to see us about, Frank?’ Amy asked.
‘First of all, I want to thank you both for everything you’ve done over the last fortnight. We’re back on schedule, which has saved us money, despite the added cost of employing Nicola here at short notice. We will also now have a much more memorable hunt scene thanks to her riding skills.’
I blushed and averted my gaze.
‘I’m just relieved that I wasn’t expected to gallop on that damned horse. I’ll be checking the wording of my contracts much more carefully, next time,’ Amy replied.
‘We’ll also make sure that the cast are fully aware of the implications of what we are expecting of them,’ he replied.
It was now time for Amy to blush a little and she did not seek to respond, so Frank continued this time seeming to address us both.
‘As you both know, we’ve also found it useful to have Nicola available as a stand-in at other times. In fact, Les Worth has asked whether we might continue the present arrangement when we shoot the remaining interior scenes at Hatfield in a fortnight’s time. Would you be available to work for fifteen day’s from the third of July onwards, Nicola?’
Nobody had discussed the possibility of any work during the last remaining location shoot before filming was finished.
‘I guess so, I’ve no other work commitments. But would that be alright with you Amy?’
‘I’ll say! It’s been fun having you around. You can continue to stay with me in my caravan if you like.’
‘When does your existing contract finish?’ he asked.
‘Tomorrow! I have an appointment with the costume department to turn me back into Nick.’
‘We’d pay you the usual Screen Actors Guild rates for stand-ins, but this time we’ll expect you to be available on set and ready in costume whenever you are needed.’
‘It’ll be more corsets and crinolines next time, I’m afraid, Nikki,’ said Amy with a smile.
‘We won’t always need you when we are dressing the set, but you must be ready to get changed into costume at short notice. Sue Evans has arranged to provide duplicates of Amy’s costumes so that, if necessary, you can both be on set at the same time,’ continued Frank.
‘I understand.’
‘So is it a deal?’
I was on the point of agreeing to these terms, but before I could do so, the waiter returned and started pouring our drinks. As soon as he was gone Amy butted in.
‘Since Nikki is going to be spending two more weeks in girl mode, she’s going to need some more clothes to wear when she isn’t filming.’
‘How have you managed over the last fortnight?’ Frank asked me.
‘Amy has been very kind and has either bought a few things for me to wear or else loaned me some of her own clothes including the dress I’m wearing tonight.’
‘Yes, I’d noticed; I must say you look very good in it,’ he replied, smiling.
‘Thank you,’ I said blushing slightly. 'I’m also currently borrowing a contemporary dress and a pair of shoes from the Costume Department.’
‘I’ll talk to Sue Evans in the morning to see if she can loan you some other modern clothes to wear when you aren’t filming.
‘Don’t be so mean, Frank, you’ve already said that employing Nikki has saved you money,’ said Amy.
‘So you’re acting as her agent now?’
‘Well she will need somebody to stand up for her interests.’
Frank sighed.
‘Alright I’ll throw in a clothing allowance of £100 for each week that she’s actually filming.’
‘So that’s £200 for the two weeks she’s just finished and another £200 for the July filming,’ said Amy.
‘Your agent here strikes a very hard bargain,’ said Frank to me, ‘but, alright I’ll agree.’
Amy looked across at me and nodded.
‘In that case I accept,’ I said.
‘Good. I’ll send Joan to see you tomorrow morning to sort out the details of your new contract and I’ll see you both again on location in Hatfield on Saturday fortnight.’
‘That should give us plenty of opportunity to go out and get you some more clothes,’ commented Amy to me.
Our dishes arrived before I had the chance to reply. It appeared that my minor role in the movies had been judged a success and was set to continue in a fortnight's time. I wondered whether Amy had played a part in the decision to keep me on, although she had professed ignorance of the fact. On the other hand, I don’t think Frank would have agreed to the proposal unless he felt I would be able to contribute to the success of the production.
Once the main business of the evening had been decided, we settled down to an enjoyable meal together. No further reference was made to the current film or to my background. Frank was good company and had plenty of interesting stories to tell about other projects that he’d worked on, and the stars with whom he’d worked. I got the impression that he was enjoying his evening. As a middle-aged man he seemed to be relishing the kudos of entertaining two attractive young ladies. Once we had finished the main course and were waiting for the dessert Amy got up and excused herself to go to the ‘Ladies’.
‘So how have you found sharing a caravan with our starlet?’ asked Frank.
‘Amy’s been very good to me, but as you’ve just seen, she can be a little bit bossy at times,’ I replied.
He smiled.
‘Yes, I've noticed that, but from what I’ve seen you’ve had an enjoyable time working with us over the last fortnight?’
‘Oh yes! I’ve had a wonderful time.’
‘I suspected as much, and I meant what I said about how much we appreciated your stepping in to save the day.’
‘I'm glad to have been able to help,’ I said looking down at the table and noticing my lovely manicured nails and wondering whether I dared to ask about possible openings for Nicola in the longer term. But this was not the time to ask. I now had the offer of two more weeks work so it might be better to wait until that was done.
‘One other thing, Nicola,’ Frank added.
I looked up.
‘Keep practicing your girly voice and female mannerisms. You never know but they may come in handy to you sometime.’
I smiled and blushed a little in response.
As Amy was about to return to the table she was approached by a young woman and spent a few moments talking to her, at one point looking over towards our table. Then she returned, chuckling to herself.
‘What’s the joke?’ asked Frank.
‘That girl asked me whether it was Amy O’Donnell sitting at our table, as she’d heard that she was filming locally. She said she wasn’t sure but she thought she recognised the dress you were wearing, Nikki. She must have assumed that I was your personal assistant.’
‘So what did you say to her?’ I asked.
‘I confirmed that it was Amy O’Donnell and the famous film director Frank Wilson.
‘I don’t see how she could have made that mistake since your face is so well known.’
As I explained to you last week, hair and makeup can make all the difference. The fact that she mistook you for me shows that it was a good idea to employ you as my stand-in.’
Frank smiled and I blushed. Amy continued with a wicked grin on her face, addressing me.
‘I advised her not to interrupt you while you were having your meal but suggested that if she waited until we were leaving I felt sure that you’d be happy to sign an autograph for her.
‘I can’t pretend to be you and sign your autographs,’ I said.
‘I don’t see why not, you have signed loads of them for me over the last few days. Also, you now know enough about me and what I’ve been doing recently to be able to say a few words to her.’
Amy extracted a small pile of publicity photographs from her handbag.
‘Here, take these, and let’s see how you get on as my stand-in in real life. After all, that’s what you are being employed to do.’
‘I thought I was excused duties tonight, althoughI suppose it will be an opportunity to practice my girly voice,’ I said to Frank.
He smiled.
As we left the restaurant half an hour later I was approached by a small group of excited youngsters, whilst Amy and Frank looked on as amused spectators. I did my best to play the part of a starlet, although apologising for what I described as a small dose of laryngitis to explain why my voice sounded different. Eventually the group went away satisfied, several of them with signed photographs.
‘You really dropped me in it there,’ I commented to Amy as Frank went to collect his car to take us back to the set.
‘I know. That’ll teach you not to look more glamorous than I do when we go out together.’
She noticed that I was looking embarrassed.
‘I was only joking,' she said with a chuckle. 'But you do look so lovely, that I’ve been feeling quite envious of you all evening.’
Frank drove us back to Amy’s caravan and gallantly helped us both out of the car.
‘Thanks for the meal tonight, I’ve had a wonderful time,’ I said.
He smiled and bowed to us both before making his way to his hotel.
‘I don’t feel like putting an end to the evening yet, would you like a nightcap?’ asked Amy.
‘Alright then.’
She poured us two glasses of wine.’
‘So, Nikki you seemed to have enjoyed your birthday?’
‘Yes, of course, and I am just sorry you had so little time to get ready.’
‘Don’t worry, I’m pleased you have had the opportunity to experience what it is like to go out for the evening looking so good.’
I didn’t respond for a moment or two, not knowing what to say, but then thought it best to change the subject.
‘Amy do you think I have a female voice?’ I asked.
She seemed a little surprised by my question.
‘Your voice was perfectly acceptable this evening as you were clearly making an effort although it can sometimes sound a little low pitched for a girl. I’m not saying you sound like a guy but you could make it sound more like a girl, with practice, if you wanted to. There are no end of voice training videos on You Tube.’
‘What about by gestures and mannerisms?’
‘I think you’re gradually getting there. I was quite impressed with the way you handled those fans earlier this evening and I don’t think the crew would have wanted to employ you as a stand-in me at the next shoot unless you were fairly convincing. But why do you ask?’
‘Frank suggested that I should practice them both and that the skills might come in useful sometime.’
‘I can see that I’ll have to watch out for my job, if I’m not careful,’ she said with a smile.
I looked down at the floor, blushing slightly.
‘I was just wondering if there might be any longer-term opportunities for me to work as a stand-in.’
‘As a girl?’
‘I don’t really have the physique to stand-in as a guy.’
‘That’ll be up to Frank to decide but I think that you have played your part splendidly over the last fortnight, much better than any of us could have imagined.’
‘Thank you for all your help and encouragement also for this evening. It was the last thing I ever dreamed of doing on my birthday, but somehow it seemed so right’
Amy got up and kissed me on the cheek.
‘You are most welcome. I shall look forward to helping you to resurrect Nicola in a fortnight’s time. We’ll need to make a list of the additional clothes you are going to need and spend some of the allowance that I negotiated for you. Are you willing to let me go and buy them for you or can we arrange to meet up to go shopping? At least this time we won’t need to avoid pretty, feminine, things,’ she said.
‘You always seem to want me to wear girly clothes when I am not on set’
‘Don’t struggle against your inner self. It’s been obvious to everyone that you’ve been enjoying yourself as Nicola over this last fortnight and you looked so beautiful this evening, so it is time you accepted the fact.’
'In that case I’d better leave the shopping to you as it will be embarrassing for me to go shopping for pretty feminine things dressed as Nick'.
‘You won’t be able to try them on unless we resurrected Nicola for the day.
‘What would I do about my hair?’
‘I could lend you a wig for a day. Just let me know when you’re likely to be free over the next fortnight for us to do some shopping?'
'I'm not sure what I'll be doing after tomorrow, I’ll have to find myself somewhere to stay until we begin filming at Hatfield once again. But at least I’ll have some savings to pay the rent on a hostel.’
‘I assumed that you would be staying with your mother?’
‘No, my mother lives in Manchester and I don’t get on with her latest boyfriend. The last time I was there we had a row which is going to take some time for both of us to forget. I would prefer to find a hostel to stay in the London area, even though it will be more expensive for me than returning home.’
‘Have you considered remaining as Nicola until we start filming again?’
I smiled.
‘It is a nice idea, but I don’t think I would be confident enough to live as a girl on my own. Someone would be bound to find out.’
‘In that case why don’t you come and stay in the spare room of my London flat for the next fortnight. Then we could go out shopping together for some clothes. It’ll would give you the opportunity for some more practice talking and acting like a girl, as Frank suggested. I won’t always be there to keep you company, but you would be no worse off than living in a hostel.’
‘But I’ve an appointment tomorrow morning with Sue and her staff who are going to turn me back into a guy.’
‘You’ll just have to explain to her that your plans have changed and that you will be staying as you are for the next few weeks. I’m sure she isn’t going to object.’
Amy sound increasingly enthusiastic about her idea. Her offer would certainly save me a lot of trouble and expense, even if it did involve my remaining as Nicola. On the other hand, I could not but remember Sue Evans’ warning about not letting her get me into trouble, or the information I’d learned from Guy Lemon confirmed by what I’d found in her jewellery drawer. But would I have the courage to confront her about it.?
‘That’s very kind of you, Amy, but ..’ I began to answer hesitantly.
‘But what? We get on well together, don’t we?’
‘Yes, I suppose we do.’
‘And you’re now quite used to living in girl mode whenever I’m around.’
‘Yes, but you've already been very good to me, and I would feel that I was imposing on your hospitality.'
'No you wouldn’t. It’s just my way of thanking you for getting me out of riding that horse.'
I thought for a while about the implications of her offer until she began to lose patience.
'Well, what are you going to do? Nikki.'
‘I suppose there could be advantages if I didn’t have to go through changes of gender tomorrow morning and again in a fortnight’s time,’ I said tentatively.
‘My thoughts exactly.’
‘Can I think about your offer overnight and let you know first thing tomorrow morning?’
‘Alright, if you really need to do so, but remember my offer is being made to Nicola and that is not subject to negotiation. ' Nick’s clothes can stay where they are in the locker. You aren’t going to need them again until after we’ve finished filming. I couldn't afford the publicity of having a young man staying with me who was not my boyfriend and in any event, it’s Nicola who is my friend.’
‘I understand, that’s what I need to think carefully about.’
Next week: My last day on set
I will try and get back to the normal Friday morning (UK time) postings. Thanks for the comments and corrections everyone. Feel free to keep them coming.
Louise
![]() |
Sometimes life has a habit of creeping up on you and sending you careering down a different and unexpected trajectory.
Copyright © 2021 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Chapter 14
After our wonderful evening out, I was reluctant to change out of Amy’s lovely dress, take off my borrowed jewellery or to clean off Sandra’s expertly applied makeup. I sat in front of the dressing table mirror for an hour or more admiring my image and thinking about the remarkable changes that had taken place in my life over the last fortnight. I had gone from being a temporary stable lad with no direction to my life and no prospects, to having an interesting, albeit unusual, job on a film set. I also now had the offer of some further work in a week or two. During that time, I’d become friends with a famous tv star. Above all, though. I’d sampled life in a different gender role and had to admit to myself that I’d enjoyed every minute of my time as Nicola. But what about the future? What I was going to do over the next fortnight? Did I continue living as Nicola, as Amy had just suggested, or revert to my usual male self as I’d previously intended? I knew which of these options appealed most to me, but at the same time, I asked myself whether it was right, whether it was even natural for me to feel the way I did. I couldn’t immediately convince myself, one way or another, although I knew that throughout our evening at the restaurant. I had felt good about the way I looked and the way that others reacted to me.
I eventually got undressed, went to bed and slept soundly dreaming of beautiful long dresses and dainty high-heeled shoes. I woke earlier than usual, at six thirty, with the sun shining directly into my room. I sat up: it was now crunch time – there could be no more procastinating - I had to decide how I was going to spend the next fortnight. Should I ask Amy to give me access to Nick’s clothes, currently in her storage locker and keep my appointment to revert to my male life, or should I accept her offer and remain as Nicola, staying in her flat for the next fortnight? The latter course of action seemed to be the most straightforward - but was this just putting off making a long-term decision about my future? After all, I was going have to become Nicola again once we re-started filming, so would it really matter if I continued to live as a girl for the next fortnight and gain the experience that Frank seemed to encourage me to do? All these questions went through my head.
Amy also seemed to want to encourage me to continue to develop my alter ego, but what was her motivation – was it just friendship or was there some other reason? What would other people think of me if I continued to live as a girl after I no longer needed to do so for work? Most people on the film set knew the story of how Nick had come to be Nicola and nobody had said anything untoward. Would that still be the case once there was no longer a good reason for me to continue as I was? I knew that my mother and her latest boyfriend wouldn’t approve. But were they likely to find out and, for that matter, did I care what they thought of me? It was this question, more than any other, which made me determine my decision. I enjoyed spending my time living and working as Nicola and if I did so, it was no-one else’s business but my own. I would accept Amy’s offer although there was still the question of deciding what, if anything, I should do or say about use of recreational drugs and indeed whether it was any of my business.
I got up, took a shower, and found some clean underclothes and a dress to wear. I then sat at my dressing table to fix my hair and makeup, pleased that I was now able to do it quite proficiently. At eight o’clock there was a knock on my bedroom door and Amy entered still wearing her night clothes. She took one look at me and realised that I’d made my decision.
‘Well young lady, you seem to be making a good job with your hair and makeup this morning.’
‘Sandra showed me a few techniques as she was fixing my makeup yesterday.’ I replied.
‘I don’t know, you’ve only been living as a girl for a couple of weeks; it took me months to become as competent as you are.’
‘Does that mean that you regard me as a girl?’ I asked.
‘Of course I do. I’ve considered you to be my girlfriend ever since you rode that horse wearing my costume. I hope to continue to do so.’
I didn’t respond but continued applying mascara to my still full eyelashes.
‘I take it that you’ve made your decision about where you are going to live for the next fortnight?’ she continued.
‘If I accept your offer, is there any way that I can repay you for your hospitality and kindness?’ I asked
‘I suppose there may be some clerical and secretarial jobs that you will be able to help me with now that I no longer have a personal assistant, if you want to do so. However, as I made it clear last night, there must be no arguments about who you are and what you’re going to wear during your stay with me. I can’t afford the risk of having you staying with me in ‘guy’ or even in ‘butch girl’ mode just in case my boyfriend or the paparazzi should turn up. Is that agreed, Nicola?’
‘Yes, I guess so, I’ll continue to live as a girl so long as you’re willing to come shopping with me sometime and advise me about my appearance and presentation.’
Amy smiled.
‘It’s a deal and I’m sure it’s going to be fun,’ she said kissing me on the cheek. ‘I have a few commitments over the next fortnight but there will be plenty of opportunities for us to go out shopping and get you some nice clothes.’
I kept my 9.30 appointment at the Costume and Makeup caravan on Saturday morning, to find thar both Sue Evans and Joan, Frank’s secretary, were waiting for me.
‘Hi. Nicola, I’ve got two copies a new contract for you to sign, began Joan.
‘That was quick, I only knew myself last night,’ I commented.
‘Actually, it was drawn up yesterday, but Frank first needed to confirm that you were interested in an extension.’
I signed where required and she took one copy.
‘There’s also a bank transfer of £200 clothing allowance for the work that you have already done due to you. It will be in your account this afternoon. The remainder will come with your salary next month.’
‘Thanks,’ I said.
‘So, you’ve been offered an extension to your contract, congratulations!’ said Sue after Joan had left us. ‘I was wondering why you appear to have made such an effort with your appearance this morning.’
‘As you are going to have to turn me back into a girl at the beginning of July, would there be a problem with me remaining as I am until then?’ I asked, blushing slightly.
At first it was difficult to gauge Sue’s reaction to my request.
‘Are you saying that you want to retain the hair extensions and breast forms?’ she asked.
‘Yes, I suppose so.’
‘Will you be able to manage alright as Nicola on your own for the next fortnight?’
‘I got myself ready this morning. It will also give me more useful practice as a girl before we start filming again. What do you think?’
‘It would undoubtedly save me a lot of time today, so I’m hardly going to refuse your request, if that’s what you want. But we will need to check on you once again before we begin location filming.'
‘Yes, of course.’
‘Your hair extensions were sewn in quite securely so they should be good for at least another few weeks, perhaps even longer. May I just quickly check them?’
I sat down in the chair and allowed her to do so.
‘You appear to have looked after your hair quite well when you weren’t filming.’
‘I’ve enjoyed having long hair,’ I admitted
‘In that case they may as well stay as they are for the next fortnight, but I’ll need to check that they are still ok before we next start filming. ‘What about your eyelash extensions?’
‘I think one or two may have fallen out.’
She peered into my eyes.
‘Most of them are still alright. We will have to renew them on your return but that is all part of the usual maintenance regime.’
‘What about my breast forms, can I hang on to them?’ I asked.
‘As long as you bring them back undamaged. ‘Perhaps I should just check that they are still ok, and that they are not causing you any soreness. Unbutton your dress and take off your bra, it will only take twenty minutes or so.
I did as instructed.
Sue and I chatted happily whilst she removed and checked each breast form.
‘Will you be standing in for Amy again next time?’
‘Yes, when they’re setting up the shots or when taken from behind, but this time it will all be interior scenes, no more horse riding.
‘In that case we will have to make sure there are duplicates of all her costumes.’
‘I guess so.’
‘What about your clothes when you’re not on set?’
‘I can use the clothes that Amy bought me a fortnight ago but next time I’ll also have a dress allowance to buy myself some more.’
‘What about the next fortnight?’
‘I should have enough clothes to last me for the next few days. By the way, I left the pink dress and the shoes that you loaned me last week for the bowls match on the rack over there last night. Would you like me to wash and iron the dress before I return it.’
‘Well, since you seem to have saved us a lot of time this morning, I think I can probably find a way to write those items off as damaged stock, so that you can keep them. It sounds as if you’re going to need to have some more things to wear over the next few weeks.’
‘Thank you, as long as you’re sure it would be ok.’
By this time Sue had finished her inspection.
‘I think your boobs should now be ok for the next fortnight. We’ll check everything again once you come back on location. What will you do about make up.’
‘Amy bought me one or two products and I expect I’ll be able to buy myself some more.’
Sue went to a drawer and handed me a sponge bag with my name on it.
‘These are the products that Sandra used on you last night. You may as well take them with you.’
‘Thanks,’ I said as I took the sponge bag.
She noticed my left hand and held it up to examine my manicured fingernails.
‘I must say, Sandra made a good job with your hair and nails yesterday. I saw you as you were leaving with Amy and was most impressed.’
I blushed slightly but was pleased that she’d noticed.
‘That’s why I thought it would be a shame to undo all of her good work straight away.’
‘Of course, long painted nails would be anachronistic in Victorian times. They only became fashionable in the 1920s and 1930s, but we won’t need to worry about them for now. We can easily sort them out once we start filming again. I’ve plenty of other things to do this morning as it is. In any event, it would be a pity to remove them now as they look so nice and you’re planning to live as a twenty-first century young lady for the next fortnight.’
I was just collecting everything ready to leave when Sue asked: ‘How will your family react when they meet Nicola for the first time?’
‘They won’t be meeting her. My mother lives in Greater Manchester and I’ve no idea where my father lives. Amy has offered to let me stay in a spare room in her flat until we begin filming on location again.’
Sue’s manner changed almost imperceptibly.
‘Well remember my warning from last Sunday and don’t let her get you into any trouble with her schemes.’
‘Don’t worry I doubt if we will be going out together other than to do some shopping over the next fortnight. I intend to stay at home and practice my speech and presentation.’
‘In that case I’ll see you again in a fortnight’s time. ‘I hope you have a good time in the meanwhile, Nicola.’
‘Thanks to you and your staff for everything you have done for me.’
When I returned to the caravan Amy was busy packing her own clothes in an expensive set of matchings suitcases.
‘So how did it go with Sue?’ she asked
‘Fine, there was no problem, I get to keep my long hair and other adornments for the next fortnight, but they’ll need to do some maintenance once we return to Hatfield. Sue’s even letting me keep the pink dress and shoes that she loaned me.’
‘That’s good; the more clothes for Nicola that you’ve got to choose from, the better. I’ve arranged for a car to pick us up after lunch. Pack everything that you are going to need into a suitcase – I assume you do have a suitcase available.’
‘No just the canvas bag with Nick’s clothes.’
‘In that case I’ll loan you one of mine.’
‘What should I do about Nick’s clothes?’
‘Your canvas bag can be locked in the outside storage compartment of the caravan. It’ll be quite safe there until we return.’
‘But then the contents won’t be assessible for the next fortnight.’
‘No they won’t; remember our agreement.’
‘Alright but there are a couple of important documents in that bag that I might need. I can also add the clothes that Nick was wearing the Sunday before last - when you insisted on turning him into Nicola full time. They’ve all been washed and ironed.’
‘Go ahead and sort out whatever you are going to need, and then we can lock away all remaining traces of Nick for the next month.
‘Alright then.'
She walked over to one of her drawers and took out a capacious and expensive looking black handbag and handed it to me.’
‘Here, you’d better start learning to use this to hold your wallet and makeup and things. You may keep it, if you like, I doubt if I’ll use it again.’
It was made of soft leather with straps that could serve as a shoulder bag or handbag. There was an Italian brand name that I did not recognise.
‘But it looks almost new.’
‘It was given to me, but I already have plenty of handbags and I would rather you had it.’
‘Thank you, Amy, but why are you doing all this for me?’
‘I always wanted a sister to look after and boss around, ever since I was a little girl.’
‘Hmmm. A sister may want to make up her own mind about how to live her life.’
‘I know, but she’ll also need a little help and advice at the outset.
Half an hour later the car arrived and the driver packed Amy’s three large suitcases and the one she had loaned to me into the boot.
‘Don’t worry, Nikki, as soon as you’ve moved in and unpacked we’ll make a list of everything else you’re likely to need over the next month and perhaps we can go shopping on Monday.'
‘I’m look forward to it,’ I replied.
The driver of the rental car helped us both into the back seat of the car. I smiled and murmured my thanks even though, by this time, I was perfectly capable of elegantly negotiating myself while wearing heels and a dress.
‘I think the next fortnight may be an adventure for both of us,’ commented Amy as we set off.
‘I hope so,’ I replied.
Next week: Nicola goes to London
Thanks for the comments and corrections everyone. Feel free to keep them coming.
Louise
![]() |
Sometimes life has a habit of creeping up on you and sending you careering down a different and unexpected trajectory.
Copyright © 2021 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Chapter 15
We arrived at Amy’s three-bedroomed flat in Battersea at about four thirty on Saturday afternoon. The driver parked in Amy’s unused parking place in the basement and began to unload the cases. Amy and I offered to carry up one of the suitcases, but he insisted that he would carry all four of them up taking two journeys. In the meanwhile, Amy showed me around. It was quite spacious and expensively furnished flat with a large living/dining room and a balcony looking out across the river Thames towards Chelsea and Victoria Station. This was one of the benefits of having a successful tv career. She took me first to the bedroom that would be mine for the next fortnight.
‘No river views, I’m afraid but there’s plenty of space for your clothes. You will be much more comfortable here than staying in my caravan or in a grotty hotel for that matter.’
There was no arguing with that. The room had a double bed, a large fitted wardrobe and chest of drawers plus a dressing table with illuminated mirrors. The soft furnishings were plush and reflected Amy’s taste rather than my own, but I was hardly going to say anything about that.
‘It is a wonderful room, thank you very much,’ I said putting down my new handbag on the dressing table.
‘Your bathroom and shower are through that door,’ she said, continuing with her tour. ‘I have en-suite facilities in my bedroom. You’ll find plenty of clean towels in the cupboard. Feel free to use any of the shampoos and skin-care products that you wish.’
‘OK if you are sure.’
‘How are you off for cosmetics?’
‘I think I’ve everything that I’m likely to need, there are the items you bought for me a fortnight ago and some products that the girls in makeup department have given to me.’
‘Alright but every month I receive a dozen or more free samples of cosmetic products of every kind. Feel free to take anything you fancy. Later we will make a list of everything you’re likely to need over the next fortnight and what decide we need to buy for you.
She took me through to the kitchen. Once again it was fitted out with cupboards and furnished with modern appliances including fridge freezer, dishwasher, food processor etc.
There’s also a washing machine in the utility room in the basement. I have a cleaner who comes in two mornings a week, but otherwise I will expect you to keep the flat tidy.”
“Yes of course. I’ve brought my tablet computer as there are plenty of advice videos on voice training on You Tube so I hope to improve my presentation.’
‘You will find the wi-fi password next to the router, and you’re welcome to borrow my laptop if you wish. However, don’t get too carried away with the exercises your voice and presentation are pretty good as they are.’
At that point the driver arrived carrying the last two suitcases, so we changed the topic of conversation. Amy gave him a respectable tip and he thanked us both and went on his way.
‘See, Nikki, I don’t think he had any doubts about your sex, or at least he certainly didn’t show them if he did.’
‘I think he was too smitten to be driving you, so he didn’t pay much attention to me.’
She smiled and decided to change the subject.
'Before we unpack our suitcases, I’ll show you how to operate the door locks and entry phone and give you a key. Also, I suggest that we walk over to the supermarket across the road to get some bread, milk, and other perishables.'
‘Alright but you must let me pay for them as my contribution’ I said.
‘And how will you do that when your bank card identifies you as Nicholas Stevens?’ she asked.
‘I can still get some cash from a cash dispenser.’
‘No. Nikki you’re my guest for the next fortnight, I’ll pay. However, I won’t object if you offer to do the cooking on those occasions when I am around.’
‘I should be very happy to do so. I’m quite used to cooking for myself.’
‘Remember that I won’t be around for all of the time and when I’m not, you’ll have to fend for yourself.
‘Don’t worry about me, Amy, I’ll have plenty to do and will also be happy to stay in and help with any clerical work you may have for me.’
‘Alright perhaps you can have a look through my fan mail if you wish but don’t spend more than a couple of hours each day; I’m not a slave driver. You should also go out and get some exercise and practice at being a girl out in public. There’s Battersea Park across the road and Ranelagh Gardens just over the river from here.’
‘Do you think I’ll be able to pass ok as a girl on my own?’
‘I don’t see why not. I suggest you stick to wearing high-heels if you go out for a walk and take care to walk putting one foot in front of the other – that will give you more of a feminine looking gait. Also, if you sit down make sure that you keep knees together. I don’t think you’ve ever been guilty of ‘manspreading’, like some guys I know, but it is not ladylike to have your legs open, especially if you are wearing a dress.’
‘Alright, but what if someone should want to talk to me?’
‘You can take one of my fashion magazines with you to read if you like. That will tend to discourage conversation. If you cannot avoid speaking, don’t be frightened of making eye-contact with them. Remember you have nice feminine looking eyes and long lashes.’
‘That’s nice of you to say so,’ I said blushing slightly.
‘Your normal speaking voice isn’t too bad, although you can work on raising the pitch and softening the tone slightly, but don’t try and speak in a falsetto voice. It will sound odd.’
‘I’ll do my best.’
It turned into a marathon shopping trip with Amy constantly adding items to the trolley, but at least I managed to stop her from buying expensive "ready meals" in favour of fresh fruit and vegetables.
‘You’re welcome to use anything that you find in the store cupboards or in the freezer,’ she said as we unloaded the shopping.’
‘OK, maybe I can fix dinner for the two of us this evening.’
‘Yes please, but I have promised my parents to spend the day with them tomorrow.’
Whilst I made us both dinner, Amy went to her room where she unpacked her suitcases. She emerged after forty-five minutes or so.
‘Nikki, I’ve been looking through my wardrobe. There are several outfits that I no longer wear, that may be alright for you to wear. Come through and have a look to see what you think.’
I did as she said. There were six or seven outfits laying on her bed including two rather pretty summer dresses a couple of skirts and pairs of ladies’ trousers. There were also a couple of pairs of shoes. Everything appeared almost new and virtually unused.
‘If you’re happy with these, we can use the dress allowance from Frank to get you one nice outfit of your choice on Monday together with some more underwear.
‘Amy, I can’t keep accepting your things, and in any event, I’ll never be able to wear all these and the ones I already have.’
‘Believe me, Nikki, I didn’t pay for most of them. Manufacturers often send their products free to celebrities in the hopes that they will be photographed wearing them. There’s plenty of room in your wardrobe, so put them in and then you can choose what to put on each morning according to your mood. That way you can choose what you want to take when we go to Hatfield and what to leave behind.’
‘Very well, I’ll move them through to my room and then the dinner should be ready.’
During the meal Amy took a call on her mobile phone. I quickly realised it was from Amy’s new boyfriend, Rob Singleton and attempted not to listen.
‘Yes, I’m back in London. I have my friend Nikki staying, the one I mentioned. She’s going to do some work for me as I no longer have Lorna available.’
There was a pause when I couldn’t hear what was being said.
‘Yes of course she’s ok, remember she’s been acting as my stand-in for the last fortnight.’
There was another pause.
‘Wait, I’ll ask her.’
She then pressed the mute button in her phone and addressed me.
‘Rob wants to take me out clubbing tomorrow night. He says he can fix you up with a blind date if you’re interested.’
‘No Amy, absolutely not. It’s all I can cope with to get used to living as a girl as it is without going out dancing with some guy.’
Amy took her finger of the mute button.
‘Sorry Rob, it’s no go, Nikki has to wash her hair, but I’ll be happy to go out with you. You can pick me up at my flat about 10.00pm tomorrow night.
I spent virtually the whole of Sunday on my own as Amy took a taxi first thing to spend the day visiting her parents in North London and wasn’t planning to return until the evening. Nevertheless, I had a good time sorting out my new wardrobe and eventually settled on wearing one of the summer dresses Amy had given to me the night before. I also had to do some handwashing as I was beginning to run out of clean underwear and made a mental note to buy myself some more tights when I next visited the supermarket. After breakfast I spent a couple of hours watching You-tube videos about female speech and general presentation including various voice exercises to improve my pitch and resonance. I even started to record my voice, so I’d be able to chart my progress each day.
I then spend the remainder of the morning dealing with Amy’s fan mail, that had arrived over the last week. Most of the letters from fans were declarations of affection or admiration, which could be acknowledged by sending a signed photograph. A few required a more personal acknowledgment, and I drafted a generic letter on her word processor which could be easily adapted for this purpose. A few told sob-stories and begged for money or for help in establishing a budding career. One or two were clearly from deranged individuals suffering from bizarre sexual perversions, others were just creepy or contained insults or threats. These were passed on to her management company to deal with. A fair number contained gifts such as soft toys (which were passed on to the local children’s hospital) makeup and other grooming products (which I might keep or ditch as I chose) and sweets (which were usually thrown away unless they were in their original sealed wrappers).
By lunch time, I felt that I’d probably done enough for one day. After making myself a bite to eat, I put on some makeup and a few items of jewellery before going for a walk in Battersea Park. It was a sunny day, so I also put on a pair of stylish sunglasses that had been sent to Amy but was on the pile of things that she did not wish to keep. As I walked in the park, I took care to remember the advice given in the You-tube videos about how to adopt a feminine gait and carry my handbag, although without making it too obvious. I noticed a few pairs of eyes turn towards me as I walked past, but I didn’t engage with them and I wasn’t aware that anybody was questioning my sex. On those occasions when there was no-one else within earshot, I even practised some of the voice exercises.
I was still not entirely used to walking in heels although I was gradually feeling them to be less of a strain on my calves. Thus, after half an hour or so, I took a seat on a park bench, taking care to smooth my dress before sitting and keep my knees together. I sat reading one of Amy’s fashion magazines but somehow feeling at ease with myself in a way that I’d never done before as Nicholas. The thought even passed through my mind that perhaps this was the way I ought to live, but I quickly dismissed it before it could take root and got up to return to Amy’s flat.
Amy returned soon after 8.00 pm and we had a coffee and sandwich together as we compared notes about what we’d both done during the day.
‘I’m glad to see that you decided to wear one of the dresses I gave you yesterday and are still taking trouble over your appearance. Also, your voice seems to have improved a little.’
‘Thanks, I’ve been doing some exercises from YouTube.’
‘Have, you been out at all today?’
‘Yes, I went for a walk in the park this afternoon.’
‘How did you get on?’
‘OK, I think. At least I wasn’t arrested as an afront to public decency.’
‘Whatever were you doing, attempting to sell your sexual favours?’
I blushed.
‘No, of course not, but I assume that anyone I come across can see through me and see that I was born a guy.’
Amy took my hand.
‘Of course, they can’t, and even if they could what business would it be of theirs?’ she said.
‘I suppose you’re right.’
‘Now I need to take a shower and get myself ready to go out. If you hear the entry phone, first check that it is Rob and if necessary, let him in.’
Rob arrived fifteen minutes early. It was the first time he had visited Amy’s flat and he had misjudged how easy it would be to find.
‘I’m still drying my hair and fixing my makeup, will you let him in and keep him occupied, Nikki. I’ll be as quick as I can.’
I did as she asked and could immediately see what it was about him that attracted her. He was six feet tall with fair hair, piercing blue eyes and a nice smile.
‘Come in and take a seat, Amy won’t be long.’
‘So, you’re Nicola, Amy’s stand in; with that hair you might even be her sister,’ he said with a smile and holding out his hand to shake mine.
I was pleased that my nail extensions and nail varnish from the previous Friday were still in excellent condition.
‘We’re not exactly sisters, but it’s surprising what camera tricks can be used to fool the viewers,’ I replied
‘Your voices are quite different though.’
‘I know, I’ve been doing some voice training exercises today and am a little hoarse, that’s why I’m not taking you up on your offer to go out clubbing.’
‘Another time, maybe, but since you will be missing all the fun, I’ve brought you a little present.’
He took out a small plastic bag containing white powder and placed it on the table in front of me.
‘You don’t waste any time,’ I thought to myself.
‘Thanks, but no thanks. I’d rather not,’ I replied in a neutral voice.
‘Go on, take it, you won’t find any better quality in London,’ he said pushing the bag further towards me.
‘No,’ I said, more emphatically. ‘What you and Amy choose to do is your business, but I don’t want to get involved.’
‘Suit yourself,’ he said picking up the bag and returning it to his coat pocket. ‘I was only trying to be friendly.’
His piercing blue eyes narrowed and appeared to bore directly into my soul.
‘Does he know all about me? Have I just made myself an enemy?’ I wondered.
At that point Amy emerged from her room looking fabulous wearing a silver sequined mini dress that displayed to perfection her bodily assets with co-ordinating shoes and clutch bag. Her arrival dispelled the slightly awkward atmosphere that had grown up between Rob and myself.
‘Wow, Amy, you look really hot in that dress,’ said Rob, not attempting to disguise his surprise and pleasure.
‘He’s right,’ I added, thinking to myself that I would never be able to wear such a dress without giving away my lack of genuine boobs.
If only I could one day look as beautiful as you do,’ I thought to myself.
Amy smiled at the compliments.
‘I expect we’ll be quite late so don’t wake me tomorrow morning,’ said Amy giving me a quick kiss on the cheek.’
‘Off you go and have a good time, together,’ I said.
‘It was nice to meet you, Nicola,’ said Rob as he shepherded her out of the front door.
I went to bed soon afterwards and quickly fell into a series of very pleasant dreams in which I was wearing beautiful clothes with immaculate hair and makeup and was admired by everyone I came across. That is until Amy’s voice intruded into my dreams and I felt the sensation of being gently shaken into wakefulness. I opened my eyes; dawn was just beginning to break; Amy was standing next to my bed, still wearing her shiny silver mini dress.
‘Nikki, wake-up! I’m going to need your help.
Next week: I re-enact my role as stand-in
Thanks for the comments and corrections everyone. Feel free to keep them coming.
Louise
![]() |
Sometimes life has a habit of creeping up on you and sending you careering down a different and unexpected trajectory.
Copyright © 2021 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Chapter 16
It took a little while for me to emerge from my pleasant dreams and sit up to see Amy looking somewhat more haggard and anxious than the last time that I’d seen her.
‘Amy, whatever is the matter?’
‘Nikki, I need your help, Rob has been busted. Someone saw him snorting coke and reported it to the police. They stopped and searched us both. Thank heavens they found nothing on me, but they did find a small bag of coke in his coat pocket which he’d forgotten about. It’s not enough for him to be charged with trafficking although they clearly have their suspicions. They have taken him to Paddington Green Police Station for questioning. I have to make a statement at ten o’clock this morning. Fortunately, a friend was able to drive me home before the press got to know about the story.’
‘What are you going to say to the police?’
‘I can’t deny that Rob and I were at the club together earlier in the evening; there’ll no doubt be photographs appearing in the celebrity press, but I can deny that I had any knowledge that he was carrying that particular bag.'
‘So what do you think will happen to him?’ I asked.
‘He’s been lucky so far and has no previous convictions, so it may be just a fine or even a caution. However, he’ll have to watch his step, in future.’
‘But what about you?’
‘That’s the point, I can’t afford the publicity of being involved with drugs. I’ve already been cautioned by the police once, although, fortunately, my manager was able to keep that story out of the press.’
I really wanted to ask her why, in that case, she was so willing to put her future career at risk in return for short-term excitement, but I was too much of a coward to do so. In any event she looked suitably chastened by the events of the night.
‘So what do you want me to do?’ I asked.
‘There are half a dozen photographers waiting outside the entrance to the flats. The last thing I want is for them to be following me to the police station later this morning. Geoffrey Kelly, my manager, and one of his assistants will be arriving at nine. I would like you to wear one of my outfits and put on a pair of my sunglasses and pretend to be me. The assistant will collect you from the front entrance and drive you away somewhere. Hopefully the paparazzi will either give up or follow you. As soon as the coast is clear, Geoff and I can make our way to the police station in his car.’
‘But what if they realise it isn’t you in the car?’
‘I don’t think that is likely if you wear my sunglasses and keep your head down.’
‘Where do you want me to go and what am I to do?’
‘Go somewhere where the paps can follow but will lose interest when they realise that it is unrelated to the events of last night. I’ll phone you as soon as it is safe for you to return to my flat’
‘I don’t know London very well.’
‘I know! Ask your driver to take you clothes shopping, you are going to need some more underwear. The paps won’t bother you once they realise where you are going. You can even use my “tap and go” debit card as long as you promise not to spend more than £200. Bring back the receipts as they will provide me with evidence that I was elsewhere at the time I was supposedly making a statement to the police.’
‘Alright, but I want you to write a note giving me permission to use your debit card, just in case I’m challenged by one of the shop assistants.’
Shortly before nine, Amy’s manager pulled into Amy’s parking place in the basement and then took the lift to her flat, thereby avoiding the growing scrum of photographers and journalists waiting outside the main entrance. I was wearing a dress, shoes, coat and sunglasses that Amy chose for me as she had recently been seen wearing them. She had even arranged my hair in a style similar to hers and I carried a handbag that she had previously owned.
‘As soon as you’re ready, Nicola, I’ll make a call to Julie, my assistant who is waiting round the corner. She will pull up at the front entrance and I’ll help you into the car,' said Geoff. 'Keep your head down and don’t say anything or look at the cameras. The car has tinted windows so once you’re inside you should be able to relax. Julie will drive you out to Croydon where you can stay until we give you the all-clear. That should persuade most of those present that Amy is no longer in the flat. There may be one or two who will follow on motorbikes but if they eventually realise that you are not Amy, so be it.’
Amy looked guiltily at me.
‘Thanks for doing this for me Nikki. I’ll owe you a favour afterwards.’
‘Just don’t get me involved again,’ I replied. Then turning to Geoff, ‘Alright go ahead and make your call.’
My entry into the limousine was nicely orchestrated. Geoffrey and I waited in the locked lobby until the car pulled up directly outside the main entrance. Julie, the driver, got out and held open the passenger door, while Geoff and I made a quick dash through the throng, with his arm over my shoulder so I doubt if anyone got a good shot of me. As soon as I was seated Julie pulled away. She drove in accordance with the speed limits and traffic signals thereby giving several of the press pack the opportunity to follow us on motorbikes, while others appeared to have given up. Geoff Kelly made as if he was leaving the scene but, in reality, he returned to Amy’s flat via the basement.
‘I’ve been told to take you out shopping in Croydon for the morning. I know the area well including where we will be able to park,’ said Julie as we drove down Brixton Hill. ‘I’ll get as far as Thornton Heath and then I’ll lose those two in some side roads’, she said gesturing to the two motorcyclists that were following us.’
‘OK, I am happy to do whatever you suggest,’ I said.
‘By the way, Nicola, I do know the story of your background, although I must say that I would never have guessed if I hadn’t been told.’
‘Yes, it is a bit of an unusual story, although Amy has been very good to me. But please don’t think that I was involved with any of this nonsense with Amy,’ I replied.
Julie smiled.
‘Oh no, you’re not the first person to become involved with one of Amy’s escapades. That’s why Lorna quit her job. I think Geoff is also becoming tired of extricating her from her own stupidity.’
Julie seemed to know what she was doing for, after having lulled our pursuers into a false sense of security, she suddenly accelerated and just caught a set of lights as they were turning red as we were passing through Norbury, leaving the motorbikes in a queue of traffic waiting behind. As soon as we were out of sight of them, she took a left turn into a side-street followed by a right turn towards Thornton Heath. In no time we had driven through various side streets with no more sign of our pursuers, eventually approaching Croydon via Whitehorse Road. We then pulled into the Whitgift Centre Car Park.
‘OK Nicola, let’s go and spend some of Amy’s money to teach her a lesson not to go out with drug dealers.’
I followed my instructions and over the next hour bought enough underclothing to last me for the duration of my time as Nicola and a new pair of shoes. For each transaction I kept to the £45.00 limit for contactless purchases. By this time, I’d ditched the sunglasses as, if anything, they attracted more attention to us, especially when shopping indoors. Fortunately, no-one seemed to recognise us, although I did notice one shop assistant do a double-take when she saw the name of the debit card I’d just used, but fortunately we were just leaving the shop and she had a queue of customers to serve. In another shop there was a sale on and in the window was a pink midi length summer dress offered at half the marked price, which attracted my attention.
‘What do you think, Julie?’ I asked.
‘It’s nice but it would be beyond the limit you can spend using Amy’s debit card unless she has also given you her pin.’
‘No, but I have been given a clothing allowance so I could pay by cash from my own account.’
‘In that case, if you like it and can afford it why don’t you go in and try it on.’
In spite of the morning’s events I found that I enjoyed our shopping trip, especially trying on and subsequently, purchasing, the dress that I had chosen for myself, as opposed to one that had been bought for me or given to me by Amy. We were just returning to the car when my mobile phone rang. It was Frank Wilson; this time he sounded very angry.
‘Nick or Nicola, will you please tell me what the hell is going on. I have had the producers ring me to say that there is a report that Amy has been arrested. Neither she, nor her manager, are answering their phones. Now I discover that you are involved!’
‘I don’t think she’s been arrested. She happened to be in the company of a guy who was found to be in possession of a small quantity of cocaine. I think she’s making a statement to the police.’
‘How were you involved?’ he asked.
‘It was nothing to do with me. I wasn’t even there when it happened. But Amy has been letting me stay in her flat until we begin filming again.’
‘Well you can tell her from me that if she wants to flush her future career down the toilet that is fine by me, but not until after we have finished making my film. If either of you holds up production by so much as a single minute or gets any more bad publicity she and her manager will be hearing from my lawyers.’
He rang off before I could say anything else.
‘Here endeth any prospect of future employment for Nicola in the film industry,’ I thought to myself.
While I was on the phone to Frank, Julie received a text from her boss indicating that all was clear and we could begin to make our way back to Amy’s flat. She dropped me off at the main entrance and this time there were no journalists around. I let myself into Amy’s flat using the key she had previously given me. There was no sign of Amy, but her manager Geoff Kelly was in the sitting room taking a call on his mobile phone. It was apparently from a newspaper, as he was busy denying Amy’s involvement in the events of the previous night. He broke off talking for a moment to address me.
‘Thanks for your help this morning. I think we have successfully killed the story. Amy’s sleeping now as she was up most of the night. Can you give me a couple of minutes to finish this call, and then I’d like to have a chat.’
I took my purchases through to my bedroom where I changed out of Amy’s dress and shoes that I’d been wearing and instead tried on those that I had purchased earlier. Life as Nicola could be quite eventful, even at times upsetting, but in many respects it felt right for me. If only I could find a job and somewhere to live.
A few minutes later there was a knock at my bedroom door.
‘Hi Nicola, I’ve just made us some coffee, would you like to come through to the kitchen for a chat,’ said Geoff.
I followed his invitation.
‘Thanks again for standing-in for Amy this morning. The press didn’t get any usable photographs and nobody saw her enter the police station so there is not much of a story for them to report.’
‘I have several receipts for you which will show that she was in Croydon shopping all morning. But what happened at the police station?’ I asked.
‘She made a statement. The police know perfectly well that she had been taking drugs and told her so in no uncertain terms, but there was nothing more they could do on this occasion, although they will be watching out for her in future.’
‘What about Rob Singleton?’
‘He will be charged for possession of a small quantity of cocaine for his own use – that’s all they can prove. He was clever enough to hide his stash out of the way. The conviction will be a nuisance to him, but nothing more.’
‘That’s a pity.’
‘I’m afraid he blames you for his getting caught.’
‘Me? I never told the police!'
‘I know that, but he told Amy that he had offered you a bag as a free sample, and you had refused to take it. That was the bag they found in his pocket when they searched him’
‘I didn’t ask him to bring me dangerous drugs!’ I said.
‘He’s a typical drug dealer, giving free samples in the hope that you will become hooked. When he gets caught, he starts looking for someone else to blame.’
‘I trust that Amy isn’t going to have anything more to do with him in future.’
‘She says she won’t, but who can tell? Amy is a nice kid but she is immature and entitled. She has had everything handed to her on a plate – good looks, a nice voice, the only child of two doting and stage-struck parents. She has never had to struggle for anything in her life. She can’t see that she’s in danger of ruining her career before it even gets started. If she ever got arrested the publicity would finish her in kids tv and in advertising and probably damage it elsewhere.’
‘Yes, I can see the problem of keeping her on the straight and narrow.’
‘That’s why I was pleased to learn that you would be staying – you strike me as being a little more level-headed that she is.’
‘Level-headed! I am not even sure what sex I’m supposed to be|’ I replied sheepishly.
Geoff smiled.
‘I am sure that you will work that in due course, but in the meanwhile, Amy likes you and you are unlikely to lead her into any more trouble.’
‘I’m not sure what I feel about Amy,’ I replied. ‘I’m still a little sore about have been falsely accused about being involved.'
On the other hand, I had to admit that Amy had been good to me, and as each day passed it felt increasingly right for me to be spending my time as Nicola.
‘So what can I do to help?’. I asked.
‘Don’t be frightened of telling her what to do, and more importantly, what not to do – I think she will listen to you.’
‘Alright, I’ll do my best to keep her away from drugs and from getting arrested.
It was late in the afternoon before Amy eventually emerged from her bedroom, looking contrite.
‘Hi Nikki, you look very nice in that dress.’
‘Thank you, I bought it this morning in Croydon using the dress allowance from Frank. I’m afraid your debit card paid for the shoes.’
‘That’s alright. It was the least I could do to repay your trouble.’
I didn’t respond and there was an awkward silence.
‘I am so sorry about the events of this morning.’
‘Amy, it is your career that is at stake.’
‘I know, but I had no right to involve you in my problems.’
‘You are my friend, I was happy to help although, given a choice, I would rather not repeat the episode.’
‘Yes, I suppose that Rob and I were acting like a couple of idiots last night. Geoff made it clear this morning that we mustn’t be seen out in public together again, at least while his case is pending.’
‘You had better also ring Frank Wilson and put his mind at rest. He has heard a rumour about the events of last night and was hopping mad about it. He also assumes that I was somehow involved.’
‘Don’t worry I’ll ring him later and tell him the whole story.’
I smiled by way of thanks.
‘Would you like me to prepare us something to eat?’ I asked.
‘Alright but you had better get changed out of that new dress first.’
‘There’s something I would like to discuss with you over dinner – about my future.’
Thanks for the comments and corrections everyone. Feel free to keep them coming.
Louise
![]() |
Sometimes life has a habit of creeping up on you and sending you careering down a different and unexpected trajectory.
Copyright © 2021 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Chapter 17
While I prepared our dinner, Amy went to her room where she telephoned Frank, presumably to apologise to him for the events of the previous night. By the time she emerged she was looking more of her usual confident self.
‘What was it that you wanted to talk to me about, Nikki?’ asked Amy as we sat down to eat.
I hesitated for a moment before replying, looking for the right words.
‘I’m not sure how to start,’ I replied.
‘Does it relate to your spending more time as Nicola, rather than Nicholas?'
I nodded
‘Are you beginning to wonder whether life may be better for you in the long term as Nicola?’
‘B-But how did you know, I’ve never discussed it with you,’ I replied.
Amy smiled.
‘I’ve suspected as much for some time, ever since I came back from that awards ceremony and discovered that you’d had a great weekend. You appear so much more at ease when you're a girl. The reason that we haven’t discussed it was that I was waiting for you to decide for yourself what was best for you.'
‘But I only decided myself this morning.’
‘So, does this mean that you would like to remain living and working as Nicola after we have finished filming?’
‘I must say the idea has its attractions, if only I were able to find a job and somewhere to stay, but at the moment, I’m not sure that would be feasible.’
‘I don’t think you will have too much difficulty regarding your appearance. With your hair. make-up and boobs in place you look convincing as a girl. Also, you now have enough clothes and your voice and presentation are improving all the time.’
‘Thank you, but I would still need to find a job.’
'Didn’t Frank imply that there might be an opening for you? He always employs lots of attractive young women as production assistants – it boosts his ego.’
‘I don’t think he would employ one who was transgendered though.’
‘He was happy enough to employ you as a stand-in for me, and that didn’t create any problems, quite the opposite.’
‘No. I suppose not. But he was not too happy with me when we last spoke.’
‘When I phoned him just over an hour ago, to make my grovelling apology, I did point out to him that you were not in any way involved in my misdemeanours, and the least he could do to make it up to you would be to give Nicola a three-month trial as a P.A.’
‘Really? What did he say?’
‘He said he would think about it once the current film was finished successfully and on budget. So, it will be up to you, Nikki, to use your best endeavours to present as a convincing and attractive young lady.’
‘I suppose so, but how did you know we would have this conversation this evening?
‘Sometimes other people have a clearer view of what is going on than those people most directly involved.’
Over the next four or five days of my stay in Amy’s flat I did my best to follow her advice, taking great care with my hair and makeup each morning and continuing with my voice training exercises and watching You Tube videos giving me advice on female deportment. It was the last week of June, with long warm evenings and so I also began to explore the area nearby. Once or twice I even became involved in conversations with female strangers in the park. My confidence increased as I found that nobody that I came across appeared to have any doubts about my sex. I found that I was able to deal with the majority of Amy’s fan mail without reference to her by spending a couple of hours each day, and I was happy to do so in recompense for her letting me stay in the flat.
Amy had various work commitments during most days and once or twice in the evenings, involving her manager or publicist, discussing new projects. However, she and I did enjoy a couple of meals together in the flat.
‘I could get used to this, having you around to cook my meals and look after my fan mail,’ she said on one occasion.
‘It’s the least I can do to thank you.’
‘Maybe, but I think you also deserve a treat. One of the publicity agencies that we use is hiring a cruise boat on the Thames on Wednesday night and they have sent me a couple of tickets. There is going to be food, a bar and a discotheque. Would you like to come as my partner?’
‘Won’t they be expecting you to bring a guy?’
‘Not these days, it will be quite acceptable to bring a girl-friend.’
Thanks, Amy but I don’t think I would have the confidence to go out dancing as a girl.’
‘Come on, Nikki, this will be an important part of your education. I will book a limo to take us there and back again, so you won’t need to worry about transport.’
‘But I don’t think I have anything suitable to wear to a disco.’
‘Don’t worry about that, I will loan you something suitable to wear for the evening, you could even wear the dress and shoes that I went out in last week.’
‘If I agree to go with you, I want you to promise me that you won't be involved in taking any coke or doing anything else illegal.’
She sighed.
‘I’ve already promised Frank and my manager that I won’t be seeing Rob or taking coke again. I will now do the same to you.’
‘Alright, in that case I’ll be happy to go with you.’
I hadn’t realised that getting ready to go out for the evening would be quite such a rigmarole for both Amy and I, although it was good fun, nonetheless. Amy laid out several possible outfits on her bed and together we discussed which one each of us would wear and what shoes and accessories that would go with them. We each then took a shower and proceeded to get ourselves ready. I had already washed my hair and de-fuzzed my arms, legs and armpits the day before and so this saved me some time. I was also by then quite competent at fixing my own makeup and doing my hair. As soon as I was satisfied with how I looked I presented myself at Amy’s room just as she was finishing her own preparations. As before, Amy looked absolutely stunning.
‘Wow! Just look at you Nikki, you look great,’ she said, smiling, as I entered her room.
‘Thank you, so do you,’ I replied.
She smiled.
‘We could even be sisters.’
‘I guess so.’
‘The limo is due to collect us at a quarter to seven so make sure you have everything you might need.’
I checked my handbag, there was lipstick, mascara, a compact, some tissues, my purse containing some money, my bank card and keys.
‘I think I have everything,’ I replied.
‘OK gal, let’s go and have some fun.’
The pleasure cruiser was one of those fitted out for evening parties which operated through the centre of London between Westminster Pier and Docklands and back again. These boats were especially popular during warm summer evenings with dancing on the open upper deck and tables on the lower deck with a buffet and a bar entirely funded by the host company. Amy’s manager, Geoff Kelly had reserved a table for his clients and their guests, including Amy and myself. Amy clearly knew several of those present and was soon exchanging gossip with them. I recognised a couple of faces, but they didn’t know me. The only person I did know was Julie, his assistant, who had driven me out to Croydon.
‘Hi Nicola, it’s nice to see you again,’ she said.
‘Hi Julie. May I join you?’ I asked’
Fortunately, there was an empty seat next to her, which I took.
‘Of course! Are you here to keep an eye on Amy.’
‘Not really, she has promised to keep out of trouble tonight, I’m just here as she had no-one else to bring.’
‘In that case would you like to join the dancers upstairs,’ she asked.
‘I’m not sure, Julie, I’ve never done that kind of dancing before.’
‘Come on, its Electronic Dance Music there are no rules, I’ll show you what to do.’
‘Alright then.’
Julie then addressed the whole table.
‘Nicola and I are going upstairs to dance, can someone please keep an eye on our bags while we are gone.’
There was a murmur of agreement from around the table and Julie led me by the hand upstairs.
In fact, the dancing on the open deck during a fine summer’s evening proved to be a lot of fun. Despite my earlier hesitation I soon found myself moving to the beat along with the other dancers, both male and female. I was now quite used to walking in heels and it didn’t take me too long to be able to dance in them as well. It wasn’t long before we were both swallowed up in the throng. After ten minutes or so I caught a glimpse of someone I recognised – it was Rob Singleton. He was some way away talking to a group on one side of the dance floor. At first I assumed I was imagining things, so I took a second look. It was certainly him and this time we exchanged glances and there was no doubt that he had also recognised me as his eyes appeared to narrow once again.
After a further ten minutes or so, Amy and several others from our table joined in the dancing. My first reaction was to look across to where I last seen Rob, but he was no longer there. Amy made her way over towards me.
‘So are you enjoying yourself, young lady?’ she asked
‘Yes, very much, thanks for inviting me,’ I replied, half truthfully.
I was still a little anxious about the appearance of Rob Singleton, although every time I looked there was no sign of him.
Having reached the Thames Barrier, just beyond the Greenwich Peninsula, the boat had to turn around and make its way back towards Westminster. By this time my calves were beginning to ache and so I asked Julie whether we might return downstairs and have a drink and a rest. She was happy to do so. We returned to our table and found it deserted of people, but with our drinks still in place and a pile of our handbags.
‘We’d better get ourselves some fresh drinks at the bar just in case someone has spiked them, while we’ve been away’ commented Julie.
‘Nobody would do that, surely,’ I said.
‘Don’t you believe it. It’s an important rule for any girl, never leave your handbag or your drink unattended – and it looks as if we have done both.’
Nevertheless, Julie and I were soon chatting happily with our new drinks and gradually other members of our table returned downstairs. The guys tended to form a little group next to the bar whilst the girls sat at the table where we were good-naturedly compared notes.
‘And did anyone try to hit on you tonight, Nicola?’ asked Amy, smiling.
‘There was one guy who offered to drive me home in his Porsche,’ I said. ‘But I smiled sweetly and explained that I had come with a group and already had a lift. He made his excuses and beat a rapid retreat. I think he must have tried his luck elsewhere.’
‘Yeah, he then tried it on with me, but I just told him to get lost,’ added another girl whose name I did not know.
Our good-natured conversation continued in a similar vein for the next half hour or so until I needed to make my way to the ladies washroom before the boat docked. Amy followed me there.
‘Have you seen Rob Singleton on the boat?’ I asked as I was repairing my makeup.
‘No, where?’ asked Amy sounding genuinely surprised.
‘I’m sure I saw him on the upper deck with a group of young women.’
‘That sounds like Rob, did he say anything to you?’
‘No, we weren’t close enough to talk, but I am sure it was him.’
‘I think it is just as well that I didn’t see him,’ she replied..
Soon after midnight the boat docked at Westminster Pier and we began to disembark. Geoffrey Kelly had offered his assistant a lift home although it was out of his way and so Amy offered her a place in the limo she had booked and which was waiting for us in Derby Gate. We were just crossing Victoria Embankment when a police car drew up.
‘Miss O’Donnell, I have reason to believe that you may be carrying illegal drugs and so under by section 23 of the Misuse of Drugs Act 1971 I need to examine the contents of your handbag.’
Amy sighed and then handed over her handbag.
‘You will find nothing in there. If you want to search anything else you will need to take me to a police station and involve a woman police officer.’
‘That may not be necessary,’ he said rapidly examining the contents of her bag and noticing that she was otherwise quite scantily dressed.
He then turned to Julie.
‘How about you, young lady?’
‘Am I required to show you my bag?’ she asked.
‘No, but it will save us all a lot of time if you do so, especially if you have nothing to hide.’
She handed over her bag without further comment, and he quickly examined the contents.
Finally, he turned towards me.
‘I don’t do drugs,’ I said and handed over my bag without being asked.
‘If you don’t do drugs, would you please explain what is in this,’ he said holding the corner of a plastic bag containing a white powder.
I felt a horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.
‘I have never seen that bag before, I did not put it there,’ I said.
‘What is your name?’
‘Nicola Stevens.’
‘And do you have any ID with you?’
‘No, I’m afraid not, I’m currently staying with Amy.’
He continued searching through my bag.
‘Can you also explain why you are in possession of a bank card in the name of Mr Nicholas Stevens.
‘It’s a long story,’ I replied.
‘Well Nicola or Nicholas Stevens, I am arresting you under the Misuse of Drugs Act 1971, You do not have to say anything. But, it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence. Come with us please.’
As I was led away, I turned to look at Amy and Julie both looking as if they were in a state of shock.
Next time: Paddinton Police Station
Thanks for the comments and corrections everyone. Feel free to keep them coming.
Louise
![]() |
Sometimes life has a habit of creeping up on you and sending you careering down a different and unexpected trajectory.
Copyright © 2021 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Chapter 18
I was driven to the rear of Paddington Green Police Station on the Edgware Road, and led into the custody suite. Nobody had bothered to handcuff me, but in that dress and with those heels there was no way that I could have attempted to run away.
‘Who have we here?’ asked the middle-aged custody sergeant.
‘A good question sarge, I would have said Nicola Stevens, but she is carrying ID of a Nicholas Stevens.
‘What’s the charge?’
‘Possession with intent to supply.’
‘Well young lady?’ he asked turning towards me.
‘I had no knowledge of the drugs in my handbag, they were planted there.’
‘That’s what they all say. You have been arrested for possession of a Class A drug and can be held in police custody for up to 24 hours whilst we investigate the circumstances and decide on a charge. But the first question is: Who are you?’
There was nothing I could do.
‘My name is Nicola Stevens, I am a transgendered woman. I was assigned as male at birth but now identify as female,’ I said.
The merest twitch of an eyebrow on his part indicated a flicker of surprise.
‘It looks like you will have to pull out the diversity training manual for this one sarge,’ said the young policeman who had brought me in.
The custody sergeant frowned at his colleague to show that he didn’t appreciate that comment.
‘So it is Nicola Stevens, formerly known as Nicholas,’ he said whilst entering the details onto a computer terminal.
‘Yes, that’s right.’
‘Do you hold a Gender Recognition Certificate?’
‘No.’
‘In that case is it your intention to permanently transition to your new gender?’
I suddenly found myself having to make decisions about my future that I’d not even considered before this.
‘Yes.’
‘So, you wish to be treated as female for the purposes of intimate searches.’
‘Yes, although you had better warn the WPCs concerned what they might find.’
There was a stifled snigger from the arresting officer standing behind me.
‘Don’t you worry love the WPCs will have seen much worse than anything you have to offer.’
‘Shall we deal with this case in a professional manner, Constable Roberts?’ said the custody sergeant, this time in a sterner voice.
They finished processing me and gave me a receipt for my handbag and its contents, which I was told would be tested for fingerprints and cocaine residues. I asked to consult the Duty Solicitor and was told that it would be arranged. I was taken to be fingerprinted, photographed and given two mouth swabs, one to record my DNA and the other to check for recent cocaine use. I also voluntarily gave a hair sample which would indicate longer-term cocaine use. Finally, I was taken to a cell by a WPC where I was given some makeup remover pads to clean my face and told to take off my clothes while she conducted an intimate body search, to our mutual embarrassment, although without any clever comments on her part.
‘Your clothes will be retained for evidentiary purposes. You can put these on in the meanwhile,’ she said handing me paper underwear, a unisex pair of jogging pants, a sweatshirt, socks and slippers.
‘When do I get to see the Duty Solicitor?’ I asked as soon as I was dressed.
‘I’ll go and check for you,’ she said.
Five minutes later, she returned.
‘You won’t now be seeing the Duty Solicitor; we have had a phone call to say that your own solicitor will be arriving in about an hour.’
‘My solicitor ‘proved to be a rather nice-looking guy in his late twenties who introduced himself as Richard Matthewson.
‘Good morning Ms Stevens, I’ve been retained to act on your behalf.’
‘But who has retained you?’ I asked.
‘It will probably be best for you not to ask me that question, although please be assured that you are my client and I am here to represent your interests, even if someone else will ultimately pay my fee.’
We then sat down for an hour during which I went through the story of how I came to London and the events of the previous evening in detail, while he took notes.
‘So you are not guilty of the charge and have no knowledge of where the drugs came from?’
I nodded.
‘You will be asked to make a statement shortly. I suggest you should tell the truth about the events of last night but don’t volunteer other information if you can help it. Afterwards, you will be interviewed by the investigating officers although, before they start, I will be questioning the basis for their arrest.’
It was only seven o’clock when we were taken into an interview room, and I was required to make a factual statement, taken down by a uniformed officer concerning the events of the previous evening. We were then left, watched over by another officer.
‘That was clear and to the point. Try not to worry,’ said my solicitor with a smile.
‘That’s easier said than done'; was my rueful reply.
After half an hour or so, we were joined by a male and a female plain-clothes officer who sat opposite us at the table, whilst the uniformed officer stood by the door. A tape recorder was turned on and introductions made, followed by the usual warning about anything I said would be recorded and used in evidence. My solicitor began the proceedings.
‘Before you interview my client, I want to ask the basis of your stop and search of my client.’
The female office referred to her notes.
‘We were following up an anonymous tip-off that Amy O’Donnell or her companions may be in possession of illegal drugs. Given the events involving Miss O’Donnell last week the arresting officers felt that they had ‘reasonable grounds’ to believe that she been involved in a crime, as covered by section 23 of the Misuse of Drugs Act 1971.’
‘And what was the basis of their search of my client?’
‘Your client and the other lady concerned were not ‘stopped and searched’ as such – they both volunteered to have their handbag examined.’
‘Didn’t the officers consider it odd that someone who was knowingly carrying illegal drugs would volunteer their handbag to be examined.
‘We are here to ask the questions,’ said the male interrogator.
Then turning to me he said:
'The cocaine that was retrieved from your bag is just over the five gram limit and so warrants a charge of possession with intent to supply. However, if you are willing to co-operate with the investigation and tell us where you obtained the drugs, we may be willing to reduce the charge to one of simple possession which could result in a police caution for a first offender.’
‘As you will see from my statement, I am unable to co-operate with the police on this matter since I had no knowledge that the drugs were in my bag or where they may have come from,’ I said in a frustrated voice
The officer sighed.
'In that case you are looking at a six-month prison sentence and a fine of up to £5,000 for a first offence.’'
‘When you check the plastic bag for fingerprints, you will find that I have never even touched it. As I said the drugs were placed in my bag without my knowledge.’
‘We have already tested it and there are no fingerprints on the bag, but you could have used rubber gloves,’ commented the woman.
‘Also, your tests will show that I’ve never taken cocaine.’
‘Not every drug dealer uses the drugs that he or she deals in. You must realise that we are investigating a marked increase in the distribution of cocaine in London over the last nine months.’
Richard Matthewson now intervened.
‘My client has been living in London for precisely ten days. Prior to that she was living near Salisbury. Are you really suggesting that she has managed to establish herself as a major London drug-dealer in that time?’
The two investigators looked at one another and the guy made notes, but there was no answer forthcoming.
‘If, as you say, the drugs were planted, you must have some idea as to how and why this was done,’ said the woman, again directing her questions to me.
‘Unfortunately, our handbags were left unattended whilst we were dancing on the upper deck. I have a witness who can confirm that.’
‘And why would someone want to do this to you?’
‘I suspect it may have been an act of revenge, but I do not know that for certain.’
‘Revenge by whom?’
‘There was a guy called Rob Singleton, who offered me a bag of cocaine last week, which I refused because I didn’t want anything to do with drugs. He was later found in possession of that bag, and he blames me for his getting caught.’
The two investigators exchanged glances and it was quite clear that they knew whom I was talking about.
‘Other than that, I can’t help you more than to confirm that I have never taken or supplied illegal drugs of any kind.’
‘So you have nothing further to add or amend to this statement?‘
‘No, other than that it is the truth.’
‘In that case we will suspend this interview pending further investigations,’ said the female investigator and turned off the tape recorder.
I was just about to be conducted back to my cell by the uniformed officer when I overheard my solicitor address the female officer.
‘I need to make a telephone call, but afterwards may I have a word, ‘off the record?'
I returned to my police cell feeling utterly bereft. Twenty-four hours previously I’d been feeling happy with my life, comfortable in my body, for the first time in many years. It was as if I had at last seen light at the end of the very long tunnel that I’d been travelling through. Now everything had changed; things had not merely reverted to how they were but were now so much worse. I was facing six months imprisonment, a fine, a criminal record, the loss of any chance of a career; and I hadn’t even done anything! What sort of prison would I go to? I knew that the police had improved in their treatment of transgendered prisoners in the last few years, but would they even accept me as such. I had taken no formal steps to change my gender, I had no ID in the name of Nicola, so would the authorities take my word for it, or would they insist that I served my sentence in a male prison? I was aware that there had been several recent controversies in the press regarding self-identification by trans-women and the need to ‘protect female-only spaces’. The local press would be bound to portray me as some kind of ‘sexual predator’ when the opposite was the case. Juicy news stories like that would be shared between local newspapers and would be bound to reach my mother and her boyfriend.
Up to this point I'd managed to retain my composure but now I gave way to floods of tears, not just about the events of last twelve hours, but my life in general. It was all so unfair. Just when things seemed to be getting better, something would happen to send me careering back to the beginning again, just like a game of Snakes and Ladders. I was just concluding that life was probably no longer worth living, when my solicitor entered the cell together with a WPC, who was carrying my clothes.
‘OK, Ms Stevens, you can get changed now, the police are dropping the charges against you due to a lack of evidence.’
‘But why? What has happened?’ I asked.
‘We can discuss that in my car taking you home,’ he replied.
Ten minutes later, I was dressed and waiting at the desk in the custody suite. The middle-aged sergeant handed me my handbag, minus the bag of cocaine, which I had to sign for.
‘You appear to have been extremely lucky, young lady,’ he commented.
‘I wouldn’t say that, I wasn’t guilty, in the first place,’ I said.
‘In that case, take my advice and get yourself sorted out as to who you are and then get some official ID as quickly as possible.’
‘Yes, I think I’ll do that,’ I replied.
I was still in a state of shock as Richard Mathewson drove me out of the police station on to the Edgware Road.
‘Thank you so much for your help, but what on earth happened in there?’ I asked.
‘I was authorised to offer the police two alternatives. They could devote their time and effort to prosecuting you, knowing that we would certainly defend you in court and you may well be telling the truth.’
‘What was the other alternative?’
‘If they dropped the charges against you, information would be forthcoming that would greatly assist their future investigations into drug dealing in central London.’
‘What sort of information?’ I asked.
‘The make, model and registration number of an innocent looking car that the gang use to stash their drugs, and the mobile telephone number that is used to arrange for deliveries. None of the dealers concerned risk carrying drugs in their own cars or, as a rule, on themselves. That is why Rob Singleton was so annoyed with you when he was arrested last week. He broke this cardinal rule and blamed you for it. His little act of spite last night may well have unforeseen consequences for him in the future, either from the police or perhaps from other members of the gang if they suspect he was responsible for the discovery of their scheme.’
‘But surely, as a solicitor, you’re duty bound to divulge that kind of information to the police anyway.’
‘Yes, I would be, if I knew the information, but I don’t. I merely passed on a message that such information would be forthcoming if they dropped the charges against you. The police tried to insist that you would need to testify, but I reminded them that you were an entirely innocent party and had no knowledge of any of these matters.’
‘But won’t it put the source of the information at risk of prosecution?’
‘I made it clear that the information would assist in future investigations but had no relevance to anything which may or may not have happened in the past.’
‘So who is going to divulge the information to the police?’
‘I don’t know the answer to that question and I don’t want to know. You don’t want to know either, if you know what is good for you.’
‘I see. Thank you so much for all your help.’
‘I am glad to be of assistance, but my advice to you would be to leave London for a while, just in case.’
‘Amy and I were planning to do so this coming weekend.
Richard drove me to Amy’s flat and left me outside, saying that he was now returning home to catch up on his sleep. I was relieved, there was no sign of any reporters outside, the events of last night and Amy’s involvement had presumably not been reported to the press. Inside the flat, Amy, her manager and Julie were waiting for me. Amy looked a little sheepish but didn’t say anything other than to give me a hug to welcome me home.
‘Why don’t you have a shower and change into some clothes more suited to everyday wear, whilst I go out and buy everyone some coffees and breakfast pastries?’ suggested Julie.
‘Yes, that sounds like a good idea,’ I replied.
‘Before you do so, for the sake of everyone’s future job prospects, I also think it best if we all now forget about the events of last night,’ said Geoffrey Kelly. ‘There is no reason why Frank, or anyone else needs to know.’
Thanks for the comments and corrections everyone. Feel free to keep them coming.
Louise
![]() |
Sometimes life has a habit of creeping up on you and sending you careering down a different and unexpected trajectory.
Copyright © 2021 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Chapter 19
Both Amy and I took Geoffrey Kelly at his word over the next two and a half days that we remained in London, since neither of us had any great wish to be reminded of the events of the Wednesday evening. I wasn’t sure what role Amy had played in either causing my arrest or subsequently securing my release from police custody, and in some respects, I did not want to know. She certainly appeared to have been chastened by the events of the previous week and something appeared to be worrying her as she now looked carefully at the caller display before answering any incoming telephone calls and restricted the ones that she did answer to those from her parents or her manager. Also, she didn’t venture out further than the local supermarket. For my part, I carried on with my voice and deportment lessons in my room, dealt with Amy’s fan-mail which was now virtually up to date and cooked us some more ambitious evening meals.
The arrival of a fat envelope containing Amy’s scripts for the coming fortnight and the shooting schedules for the two of us provided me with the opportunity to ask questions.
‘Why exactly have they gone to the trouble of transferring all the equipment and accommodation for the crew more than one hundred miles from Wilton to Hatfield?’ I asked. ‘It must be quite costly.’
‘That’s the way films work,’ said Amy with a shrug. ‘Wilton was fine for the exterior shots of the house and for the hunting scenes, but the interiors were not suitable. Hatfield is only ten miles north of Elstree Studios where the company is based and some other internal scenes will be shot. Most of the technical crew will be commuting from Elstree to Hatfield each day. I thought about doing so myself as it is only twenty-four miles away but was persuaded that this would be impractical given the very early starts involved and the need to get into costume each morning.’
‘So we will be sharing the same caravan again.’
‘Yes and it seems that we are both going to be needed for a costume fitting on Sunday morning, as they are planning to duplicate another of my costumes so that we can work independently using two film crews when necessary.’
‘Also, I promised to see Sue Evans to have my hair, nail and eyelash extensions renewed sometime on Sunday,’ I replied.
‘In that case, I’ll arrange with Geoffrey to have Julie drive us both to Hatfield tomorrow afternoon, so can you make sure you are packed in time?'
‘Of course, but I will need to go out and buy another suitcase as I’ve acquired quite a few more clothes over the last fortnight.’
‘Don’t worry, I have a large suitcase in the store-room in the basement, which I no longer use. You are welcome to have it if you want.’
‘That’s very generous of you, Amy.’
‘Not really, I was given a matching set of luggage by a manufacturer who wanted me to be seen with their products.'
Having Julie as our driver, who knew everything about my background at least enabled us to speak more freely during the journey, although the events of last Wednesday evening still appeared to be off-limits and we tended to stick to matters relating to the filming. No one referred to Nick during the journey, which was a relief as I’d been doing my best to forget about him for the time being and concentrate on Nicola. We also discussed Amy’s next job, which would be appearing in a television advertisement soon after we finished the present production. At one point, Amy received a phone call. She looked at the caller display, sighed and sent a busy signal. She then appeared to work through the various menus and it appeared that she had blocked the number in question, but she made no further comment and I didn’t feel in a position to ask who it was.
Eventually we arrived at the field where the equipment and the staff caravans were being parked for the duration of the shoot. Since we had arrived the day before filming was due to begin, there were no security guards to check us in, but there were plenty of the crew around installing lights or other equipment. After a little bit of searching we found where Amy’s caravan was parked.
.
‘Good luck to you both and I hope the filming goes well,’ said Julie as she helped us to unload our luggage.
‘Thanks for your help,’ said Amy.
‘Unless I hear to the contrary, I’ll collect you here in a fortnight’s time, Amy. What will your plans be Nicola?’
At the moment, I have absolutely no idea,’ I replied.
‘Oh, I forgot to mention, Frank will want to talk to you tomorrow evening,’ said Amy.
‘What about?’ I asked.
‘You’ll find out, but make sure you look smart when you go to see him.’
The following morning, after our costume fitting, I kept my appointment to see Sue Evans at the makeup caravan.
‘Hi Nicola, you look very nice again today.’
‘Thanks, I am gradually getting used to living as a girl,’ I replied
‘So how does it compare with living as a guy?’
‘I’m expected to spend a lot more time on my appearance each day, but I don’t really mind that and there are also many advantages.’
‘Really?’
‘Apart from anything else, people tend to be nicer to you.’
I wasn’t going to mention my incident with the police last week in case it got back to Frank.
‘So have you had a nice restful time over the last fortnight?’ she asked.
‘Yes thanks,’ I lied. ‘What about yourself?’
‘No rest for me, I’m afraid, I have been working at Elstree preparing for the next fortnight’s shoot. So there were no incidents involving Amy this time?’
‘Well you know Amy,’ I said with a non-commital smile.
She smiled in response and changed the subject.
‘Your voice seems to have changed, it now sounds lighter and more feminine than before.’
It was nice that she’d noticed.
‘I have been taking lessons and practising every day.’
‘Amy will have to watch her step or you will be taking over from her.’
‘I don’t think so,’ I replied. ‘There is only two weeks of filming still to do.’
‘OK, so now let’s get down to business. First of all, how are your boobs?’
‘They’re fine, I take them off to check that they are not harming me once a week, and then stick them back in place. So far they have given me no problems. In fact, I quite enjoy creating a cleavage with them.’
‘Well I must say they do look quite convincing on you.
She then proceeded to examine my micro-ring hair extensions.
‘Actually, these haven’t yet begun to show and so should be alright for the next two weeks without any further attention.’
‘Actually, Sue I was wondering whether I might keep the hair extensions after the filming is finished and look for a job as Nicola. I could probably pay for them to be kept in place
She didn’t seem particularly surprised.
‘So that is why you have been having the voice lessons.’
‘Yes, I have also acquired a reasonable female wardrobe over the last few weeks, so I should be able to manage for a while.’
‘As the hair extensions will have been used for the duration of the filming, I don’t think there will be too much problem with your keeping them. However, the breast forms that you are wearing were quite expensive, so I’ll have to check with my boss.'
‘Thank you, if necessary, I will be happy to pay you for them.’
‘I’ll tell you what, rather than me do anything to the extensions straight away, I’ll renew them in a fortnight’s time instead of removing them, so they should be good for another six weeks or so.’
‘Alright.’
‘Now I’d better check your eyelashes as I see you have lost a couple and then do the infills for your nails.
By the time I eventually got to see Frank in his temporary office it was late afternoon. Sue had finished my hair and makeup. I had a full set of eyelashes and newly polished nails. I was wearing one of the dresses that Amy had given to me and felt that I looked smart and business-like rather than glamorous, as I’d done on the last occasion I’d met Frank.
‘Come in Nicola and take a seat.’
I did as he instructed.
‘I understand from Amy that I unjustly accused you of being involved in her last escapade, and I am sorry if I jumped to the wrong conclusion.’
‘That’s ok, you weren’t to know.’
‘Amy has assured me that you weren’t involved and that neither she, nor you, will have anything to do with illegal drugs in future. We really don’t need that kind of publicity.’
‘Of course, I understand.’
‘Good, Amy also keeps nagging me to give you a trial as a Production Assistant when we have finished the current film, but it is not entirely my decision.’
‘I would love to try if you think I could do the job,’ I said.
‘Although you’ve only been employed as a stand-in, I’ve been quite impressed with everything you have done over the last few weeks. You are flexible and willing “to go the extra mile” when necessary. I know that you can ride and look after a horse, but what other relevant skills do you have?’
‘I have a driving licence although I don’t own a car.’
‘That’s not a problem. Can you work office equipment such as word processors or copiers?’
‘Yes, I have good keyboard skills. I have also helped Sandra check through the day’s rushes.’
‘It isn’t entirely my decision, but I have spoken to the Producers and they may be willing to take you on for a trial period. Sandra will be leaving us to work on another project in a fortnight’s time. I’m sure that you’ve seen the many and various duties she has to do.'
‘I believe so.’
‘As you will realise, almost everyone in the film industry works on short-term contracts and there are always plenty of candidates looking for such jobs. The company will offer you a three-month contract to be able to demonstrate what you can do. They will then decide whether or not to offer you an extension or a new contract depending upon how you get on.'
‘Yes, of course, I promise to do my best. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to show you what I can do.’
‘Well I suppose the next question I must ask you is whether we will be employing Nicola or Nicholas?’
‘Everyone on the set knows and accepts me as Nicola.’
‘I know, but remember you’ll only be working here for the next three weeks and then you will be based at Elstree or else working on other projects with people who don’t know you.’
‘I’d still like to stay as Nicola, if I may. I’ve been practising and find that I can pass as a girl quite easily and I’ve now got enough clothes to wear.’
‘Alright, if you are sure that’s what you want to do, I suppose most of the other P.A.s that we employ are girls. However, if you begin your contract working as a girl they wouldn’t want you changing back half way.'
‘I promise not to do so. In fact, I’m planning to go full-time as Nicola and regularise my position with the Department of Work and Pensions. I hope to get a new national insurance number as a transgendered woman.’
‘That would certainly make life simpler for the administrative staff if we do decide to take you on full-time, but make sure you know what you are doing before taking any irrevocable steps. Come and see my secretary after filming tomorrow and she’ll organise a new contract beginning mid-July and some new ID for you.’
‘One other thing, if I am going to be working as a Production Assistant, would there be a problem with me retaining the breast forms that were bought for me to use for the film.’
‘I don’t see why not.’
I ran over to Amy’s caravan to break the news to her.
‘Not only do I get three months working as a Production Assistant but I also get to continue living as Nicola.’
‘That’s brilliant, I’m so pleased for you,’ she said giving me a hug. ‘I might have been able to find you part-time work as my assistant, but this is going to be a much better opportunity for you. In any event, he owes you the chance to show what you can do.’
We were happily discussing the implications of my new job, and Amy assured me that I'd be welcome to come and stay with her if we both had free time.
'Let's take a selfie of the two of us,' suggested Amy.
'Alright, I'll take it and send you a copy,' I replied.
I was just in process of doing so when we heard a sports car drew up outside the caravan. It was followed by an urgent banging on the door. Amy opened it to find Rob Singleton there, looking very agitated.
‘What the hell are you doing here?’ asked Amy angrily ‘I thought I’d made it clear that I wanted nothing more to do with you.’
‘Amy, you are going to have to help me,’ he replied, ignoring my presence.
Sorry this chapter was posted a little later than usual – I had a hospital appointment. I will also have one next week.
Thanks to everyone (especially Bronwen) for the comments and corrections. Feel free to keep them coming.
Louise
![]() |
Sometimes life has a habit of creeping up on you and sending you careering down a different and unexpected trajectory.
Copyright © 2021 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Chapter 20
I had been in process of sending Amy a copy of the selfie that I’d just taken when Rob suddenly appeared at the door demanding Amy’s help. I was just able to start the sound recorder app on my phone and put it out of sight on a nearby shelf before he even noticed my presence.
‘You!’ he said looking angrily at me. ‘All of this is your fault! If you’d only accepted that bag of coke that I offered you, then none of this would have happened.’
‘You attempted to have me wrongly convicted for dealing in drugs,’ I replied barely able to contain my anger.
‘I thought I’d teach you a lesson not to be such a “goody two shoes”. It was easy enough to do since you all left your bags with a friend of mine who was open to taking a line of coke as a bribe.’
It seemed that nobody could be trusted these days.
‘As a result of your spiteful action, the police will be taking much more notice of your activities in future,’ said Amy.
‘It’s a lot worse than that. They have already intercepted one of our deliveries and some of the others suspect that I was the one responsible when I was arrested. As a result, I’ll need to disappear for a while’
‘So, what the hell are you doing here and how did you know where to come?’ asked Amy.
‘Since you wouldn’t answer any of my phone calls, I drove out to Wilton. The last few staff who were clearing the site told me where I might find you.’
‘What do you want?’
‘It isn’t you, it’s your caravan. That time I visited you at Wilton, whilst you were sleeping off the effects of the night before, I stashed two kilos of coke behind the water tank of your caravan. It was my insurance policy; just in case anything ever went wrong. But now someone seems to have locked the door to the compartment holding the water tank.’
‘I expect the transport crew would have locked that compartment before they moved the caravan over to Hatfield,’ I commented.
‘And what the hell would have happened to me if your little package had ever been found?’ Amy asked, angrily.
‘Oh, I’m sure you would have found some way to deny any knowledge of it; after all your friend here appears to have got off when she was arrested,’ he answered carelessly. ‘Now if you will kindly open that compartment for me so I can retrieve my coke, you won’t see me again.’
‘The ground crew have the key to that compartment and I wouldn’t open it for you even if had one,’ said Amy.
‘In that case you’d better find someone to open it for me or else I have some rather incriminating photos of you snorting coke which will find their way into the popular newspapers. They won’t fetch as much as my coke, but I’m sure the papers would be willing to pay me for them. We’ll see how your precious film career looks then.’
‘You bastard!’ said Amy.
‘I think I know where the spare key is kept, there is a box of keys under the sink in the kitchen,’ I said.
‘In that case you’d better find it.’
He didn’t seem to notice as I picked up my phone, as I went towards the kitchen.
I found the key quite quickly and surreptitiously moved it to one side out of the way.
‘I’m sure I’ve seen it here somewhere,’ I said as I went through a box of spare keys.
‘Here, let me look through that,' he snarled, grabbing the box out of my hand.
As he looked through, I was able to send a copy of the sound file from my phone to Amy together with another copy to my cloud storage. As soon as I’d done so I emerged from the cupboard.
‘No, I must have been wrong, there’s nothing in here.’
‘I’ll get a screwdriver from my car and force the lock.’
‘I don’t think so, I have just sent a sound recording of you admitting to several serious crimes to Amy’s phone. We will be forwarding a copy to the police unless you agree to leave us immediately.’
‘You’re bluffing.’
‘Amy, would you like to play the file that I have just sent you?’
Amy retrieved the file on her phone and played it so that we could all hear the events of the last quarter of an hour.
‘Give me that!’ said Rob attempting to grab Amy’s phone.
‘There’s no point in doing that,’ I said. ‘That is one of three copies of the file, one of which has already been sent to Amy’s agent in London. As I said, unless you leave here immediately, another copy will be sent to the Paddington Green police who are investigating cocaine dealing.’
‘You will both regret this,’ he said.
‘Not as much as you will, if any of those pictures of Amy ever get to be published,’ I said angrily. ‘There is enough evidence in that file to put you away for several years, and I wouldn’t fancy your chances in prison once some of your associates find out what happened.’
He left us without saying another word and ostentatiously drove away.
‘What a creep! Whatever attracted me to him in the first place?’ asked Amy.
‘There’s no accounting for taste,’ I said with a grin, but noticed that I was quite shaken up by recent events.
‘Did you really send a copy of that file to Geoffrey Kelly?’ she asked anxiously.
‘No, the fewer who know about today’s events the better. However, I do suggest that you make a second copy and keep it somewhere safe just in case he ever comes back in the future.’
‘Thanks for all your help, Nicola, I’m really grateful for everything you have done,’ said Amy giving me a hug.
‘I’m glad if I have offered you a little repayment for your kindness to me over the last few weeks.’
‘It has always been a pleasure to have helped you to find your true self. I don’t think Rob ever suspected your origins.’
‘No, I don’t think so either. But let’s now go and retrieve that package and dispose of it before anyone else finds it.’
‘I thought that you said we didn’t have a spare key,’ said Amy.
I went to the cupboard and retrieved the spare key from its hiding place.
‘I was hardly going to let him have his precious drugs, after what he’d tried to do to me,’ I said.
‘Good for you, Nicola.’
We went outside to investigate the hiding place. Fortunately, by this time there were relatively few workers still on site and nobody noticed as we opened the compartment and searched inside. The package, wrapped in black plastic, was where Rob had said it would be. It was unlikely to have been noticed if someone had merely been refilling the water tank, but anyone carrying out a more detailed inspection would have found it.
‘Now that we’ve found it how are we going to get rid of it?’ I asked Amy.
‘I suppose we do have to get rid of it?’ she replied.
‘Amy, hasn’t cocaine got us into enough trouble as it is?’ I replied impatiently.
‘Yes, I suppose you’re right. Maybe we should hand it in to the police?
‘Unfortunately, that will just result in a lot of questions to you, me and Rob and perhaps give rise to more unwelcome publicity.’ I said aware that I’d not yet received the contract for my new job,
‘You’re right; there’s an artificial lake in the grounds, let’s lob it into there,’ suggested Amy.
‘Won’t that poison the fish?’ I asked.
‘I don’t know, but if you’re worried, we could always flush it down the ladies’ toilet. That water will be treated before it is released to the environment.’
Later that evening we managed to dispose of all the evidence.
Amy and I were a little shaken-up by the events of Sunday evening, but nobody else had become aware of what had taken place and the filming of the remaining scenes went ahead as planned the following day. In fact, the whole production went well over the next fortnight and Frank was very pleased with progress. I did a mixture of stand-in work in costume, taking the place of Amy when she was not directly in shot and some time spent in everyday dress helping the crew plan the lighting and camera angles. My new contract arrived mid-way through the first week, dated for me to begin as soon as we had finished filming. I would be able to continue living in Amy’s caravan for the first week after filming helping to co-ordinate the strike of the set and return of equipment and props to storage. Thereafter, I would transfer to Elstree studios and would have to find my own accommodation. However, Sandra had a spare room nearby which she offered to rent to me until I could find something more permanent. Once it became known that I would shortly be taking over from Sandra as a Production Assistant, I was also given various other jobs to do on set so by the end of the fortnight I had a good idea of the duties involved.
We didn’t hear any more from Rob Singleton over the next fortnight that we were filming at Hatfield or since. A few days after his disappearance there was a newspaper report about various drug arrests that had recently taken place in London and on-going investigations. Rob’s name was not listed so he appeared to have got away with things on this occasion, although he would have been wise to keep well away from his former haunts and associates. He knew that Amy and I were holding some highly incriminating evidence about him that would ensure his future good behaviour, at least as far as Amy was concerned. I also got the impression that Amy had learned an important lesson over the six weeks that we had known one another. She was less full of her own importance and had begun to realise that her success had been as much due to good fortune as anything else, which might end at any time unless she took care.
As usual, the evening after the filming for a particular project was finished, the producers organised a drinks party in a marquee. Amy and I had finished our work by that Friday lunchtime and so we spent the afternoon together getting ourselves ready.
‘Why don’t you wear the outfit that I loaned to you when Frank took us out to dinner?’ suggested Amy.
‘Isn’t that a bit too dressy for such an occasion?’ I asked.
‘No, it will be a chance to show off to your future colleagues how good you can look.’
‘Alright if you don’t mind loaning it to me again.’
‘No I don’t mind, in fact the dress and shoes can be a parting gift, as you will be on your own after I leave tomorrow.’
‘Yes, it is going to be a new chapter in my life, so I’m inevitably a little anxious,’ I admitted.
‘I’m sure that you’ll do just fine as a production assistant. and I expect them to be renewing your contract after three months.’
‘Thanks for everything that you’ve done for me Amy, you really have changed my life.’
‘For the better, I trust.’
‘Yes, I believe so. As soon as I have a fixed postal address, I intend to take steps to secure some official ID and then begin the process of a permanent transition.’
‘Well good luck, Nicola and please let me know how you are getting on. You are welcome to come and stay with me whenever we are both free.’
‘Thanks for the offer, Amy. but I’d better steer clear of London for the next few weeks, but I do promise to keep in touch.’
‘Alright, but now you can demonstrate to me just how well you can do your hair and makeup while I find you that dress to wear.’
Thanks to everyone (especially Bronwen) for the corrections and comments. Feel free to keep them coming. I’m taking a break for a few weeks, but I hope to post another story in the summer.
Louise
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In ancient times, when the the box owned by the beautiful Pandora, the first mortal woman, was opened all the troubles of the world flew out and could never be put back. All that was left behind was the spirit of hope. So what will happen when a trunk with the name 'Pandora Wilkins' Pandora’s Trunk
A novel Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
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In ancient times, when the the box owned by the beautiful Pandora was opened all the troubles of the world flew out and could never be put back. So what will happen when a trunk with the name 'Pandora Wilkins' Pandora’s Trunk
Chapter 1 Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
The realisation in question came as my mother was helping my grown up sister, Carol, to get ready for her end of school prom (there was a thirteen and a half year age gap between us). The door to her bedroom was open and I peered into the room to watch as Mum helped Carol fix her hair, feeling a mixture of admiration and envy about the lovely clothes my sister was wearing and how beautiful she looked. Carol must have noticed in the mirror that I was staring at her.
‘What is it Nick, what do you want?’ she asked.
‘Nothing,’ I replied, guiltily, turning to leave.
My mother turned to look at me.
‘When you are grown up, Nick, you’ll be able to escort a young lady wearing a beautiful dress like this to the school prom.’
I grunted in agreement and left, knowing that I couldn’t possibly explain to her, or to anybody else, that it was me who wanted to be escorted to the prom, wearing a beautiful dress with perfect hair and make-up.
I never forgot that incident, nor lost my secret desire to dress and be treated as a girl and I would use the time between going to bed and falling asleep each night to invent situations and scenarios involving myself that for the time being sought to fulfil my private longings.
Carol left us to go to Oxford University later that summer, before I’d had much chance to get to know her. She proceeded to do extremely well, won prizes in economics and got invited to attend and later help to organize summer schools overseas. Thus we didn’t see a lot more of her after that year, apart from occasional fleeting visits at Christmas. Ultimately, at the age of twenty-three, she was head-hunted to join the trading floor of an investment bank, and has been living in London ever since. My parents’ marriage also began to break up round about the time that Carol left home and we saw less and less of my father until one day Mum announced that he had left for good. In retrospect, I can see that it wasn’t entirely his fault. Their marriage had been on the rocks before I was born and once Carol left Mum transferred all her attention and affection to me and gradually froze him out. At the time I was too young to understand what was happening.
Thus I grew up living a fairly isolated and sheltered life in our village of Brome, on the border between the East Anglian counties of Norfolk and Suffolk. Although I was not, strictly speaking, an only child, to all intents and purposes I might just as well have been. It was a moderately happy childhood, but I always kept in the background and with my head firmly below the parapet. There were a couple of other lads in the village of my age, but unfortunately no girls for me to have as friends, as I would have preferred. I suppose I became something of a ‘mummy’s boy’ but managed to avoid making any enemies and was never bullied at school in the way that some kids were if they were perceived as being different. I knew instinctively when to keep my mouth shut and that there were certain feelings that you must never admit to in any circumstances. In other respects I coped with school although I never shone in the way my sister had done before me. I was not exactly in my sister’s shadow at school, but I was in the shadow of her reputation.
I had turned eighteen before I ever came across a man wearing a dress, although no doubt I‘d passed transgendered individuals in the street without being aware of them. One has to say, though, that cross-dressing is not exactly a common feature of East Anglian village life - at least not out of doors. Of course I’d seen various entertainers on television or in films - but that doesn’t count — they’re not real people. My first encounter with a ‘real live’ drag artiste and indeed other men who made their living dressed as women was just over a year ago when my cousin took me to a club in Soho. But before I embark on my story, I’d better fill you in with a little more background.
By the age of seventeen I’d decided that University wasn’t going to be for me, but that was the only concrete decision I’d made about my future. Unfortunately, there were no jobs available in the vicinity of our village, other than casual agricultural labour. The only options seemed to be hoeing beet in the open fields in the springtime, fruit picking in the late summer or plucking and gutting turkeys in drafty, foul-smelling factories in the run up to Christmas. Such jobs paid the legal minimum wage, but didn’t even provide steady work. I therefore considered the possibility of working in either Ipswich or Norwich, which were at least accessible by rail from where we lived. Mum worked in an office in the town of Diss and could give me a lift to the station each morning. It was a half-hourly service but the fares were expensive, the trains unreliable and getting home was still going to be a pain in the neck, particularly as Mum was at last beginning to rebuild her social life. I did my best, but in 2009 most employers were trying to find ways to circumvent the labour legislation by offering youngsters, such as myself, unpaid or very poorly paid ’trial’ periods and then getting rid of us as soon as we asked for the minimum wage. After a few weeks at work I found that the money I’d earned as a so-called ‘trainee’ hadn’t even covered my travelling costs.
Ultimately, my big sister Carol came to my rescue, no doubt feeling a little guilty that she and her banker colleagues had helped to flush the economy down the pan and condemn my generation to prolonged bouts of unemployment. Despite the banking crisis she could still afford to live in a smart two-bedroom flat in Willesden, north London, and offered to let me stay in her spare room, rent-free, until I could find a reasonable job to support myself. She worked long hours at Canary Wharf and often stayed after work for a drink with her colleagues. She also occasionally stayed out all night, but never explained where she’d been. She tended to be scandalously wasteful of the food that she had delivered to the flat each week. I was therefore invited to help myself to anything she had in her kitchen, which also reduced my living costs somewhat. I willingly accepted her offer and did my best to repay her kindness by keeping the flat clean and tidy, and preparing meals for us both, although I often ended up eating them by myself. Otherwise I was pretty much left to my own devices after I arrived in London in early September of that year.
I wasn’t entirely without funds however: Mum had recently put five hundred pounds into my bank account as an eighteenth birthday present, and I’d found a couple of short-lived casual jobs through an agency. When I wasn’t working I also qualified for Job Seekers Allowance as a NEET (an 18-year old who is ‘not in employment education or training’) which just about covered my absolute basic needs. I was not going to starve but certainly would not have enough money to be able to fend for myself without my sister’s generosity.
The only other person I knew in London at this time was my cousin, Lucy, who began her third year as a psychology student at University College shortly after I arrived there. Lucy lived in Hornsey in a room in one of those large Victorian houses, now converted in to Bedsits. It is a cosmopolitan area and she had a number of interesting housemates including Randi, a drag artiste. Randi, was in his (or her) late-thirties and worked as the MC at a nightclub in Soho. (Lucy told me to use either the male or female personal pronoun to refer to Randi according to how (s)he was dressed at the time). Randi could be outrageously funny and was also very personable. (S)he would occasionally treat my cousin to complimentary tickets to the club. Lucy realised that I’d only recently come down to London, knew no-one and was pretty broke. She was between boyfriends at the time and was also some weeks away from submitting her first University assignment. She therefore persuaded Randi to give her a couple more free tickets and offered to take me out for the evening. I was happy to spend an evening away from the television set and at least to have some company for once.
As I said, I’d never been to a drag show before and had very mixed feelings when we entered, expecting it to be tacky and in some ways a mockery of the secret fantasies that went on in my head. The venue was certainly very popular on Friday nights, and I was both intrigued and embarrassed at the same time. Before the evening’s entertainment began I noticed that some of the bar staff and the waitresses were tall enough to be men, even if they did not exactly resemble them in looks. Others were so good looking that I assumed they must be women, although, given the environment in which they were working, I could not be absolutely sure. The floor-show was introduced by Randi, who was wearing a glamorous long dress, high heeled boots, a blonde wig and immaculate make-up. There was little doubt that Randi was a man, but ‘she’ looked fabulous all the same, and was a great compere. Some of the stand-up performers were quite funny, others were a little bit coarse for my taste (although Lucy seemed to enjoy their performances). One of the performers was quite sexy — one might even say beautiful - and I would have given anything to change places with her. Another would never have passed as a woman in the street in daylight, and realised as much. One or two could sing and dance creditably; but the remainder just relied on their looks and their costumes to get by. All in all, it was an enjoyable show and nowhere near as tacky as I’d been expecting.
During the interval Randi, stopped by our table to acknowledge my cousin.
‘So Lucy, my darling, what did you think of our little show tonight?’
‘It was truly gorgeous throughout, a work of art, especially your commentary, sweetie,’ she replied adopting the same OTT style.
Randi made a small girlish hand-gesture, as if to demur and in doing so displayed a set of beautifully manicured and lacquered fingernails and a large fake diamond ring.
‘That’s so kind of you to say so my love. The show may have been ok but I’m afraid I’m getting a little long in the tooth to be performing.’
It was probably true, for although she looked glamorous and might once have been fairly convincing dressed as a woman she was no longer one of the true beauties in the show.
‘You’re good for a few years yet, Randi; a paragon of loveliness, who can teach us youngsters the meaning of the word,’ my cousin answered. ‘But tell me what does a drag queen do once she gets too old to perform?’
‘She either becomes a dress designer, a hairdresser, an impresario, or a street-walker. Of those, only the impresario holds any attractions to me, my dear. That’s why we’re organising our drag debutantes’ contest tomorrow week to look out for some fresh talent.’
‘What’s that?’ she asked.
‘It’s a talent competition for youngsters who have never appeared professionally in drag before.’ She looked across towards me then added: ‘You can bring the boyfriend along if you like, he might just do alright.’
‘Oh, this is Nick, and he’s my cousin rather than my boyfriend,’ Lucy replied.
‘So much the better,’ she said. ‘Delighted to make your acquaintance young man,’ she said giving an exaggerated curtsey whilst flashing me a nice smile. She held out her hand to me. I wasn’t sure whether she was expecting me to kiss it or to shake it. I did the latter.
‘I really enjoyed the show,’ I managed to say, beginning to go red as I did so.
‘What a sweet boy,’ said Randi to Lucy. ‘How old is he?’
‘Eighteen.’
I blushed to the roots of my hair.
‘Well Nicholas, how would you like to come along as Nicole next Saturday? With your looks you might do quite well in our competition’ she said, inspecting my facial features as she did so.
I continued to blush.
‘I’m afraid I have absolutely no performing talent,’ I replied.
‘I’ve never let a lack of talent hold me back in show business, my dear. Good looks are just as important as talent for any budding drag princess.’
I smiled and looked away not knowing what to say in response. Randi could see I was getting embarrassed, so she turned instead to Lucy.
‘I’ll even let you both in free again next week if your cousin comes in drag.’
I blushed even further at the idea of a ‘drag princess.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I said, shaking my head. ‘It’s not for me.’
‘Such a pity,’ said Randi smiling.
She said goodbye and left us to go and talk to another table. I said nothing, half-hoping that Lucy might raise the subject with me again and perhaps even try to persuade me to change my mind, but after a minute or two of silence she started talking about something else.
Lucy and I stayed for the second half of the show, but didn’t remain at the club for long afterwards as neither of us could afford their drink prices. We walked with one another to Oxford Circus tube station where we were about to go our separate ways home.
‘Thanks Lucy, I’ve enjoyed my evening,’ I said, giving her a chaste kiss on the cheek.
‘Good! It has been nice to see you again, Nick. So what did you think of my neighbour Randi?’ she asked.
I smiled.
‘She’s certainly different from most housemates you’re likely to come across, but she seems quite friendly and I’d imagine she’d be good fun to know.’
‘Have you had any further thoughts about her proposition to you?’ she asked.
I’d been thinking of nothing else since she’d spoken to me.
‘I don’t think I’ll take her up on the offer,’ I answered, hating myself as I said so. ‘In any event what would I wear?’
Lucy didn’t respond to my question, and we’d now reached the point where I had to follow the tunnel leading to the Bakerloo Line and she needed to make her way to the Victoria Line. So I said goodbye once again and we went our separate ways. All the way home I held my mobile phone trying to pluck up the courage to ring Lucy and tell her that I’d changed my mind and would really love to go dressed as Nicole next week, and to ask whether she might help me to do so. But I never did.
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In ancient times, when the the box owned by the beautiful Pandora was opened all the troubles of the world flew out and could never be put back. So what will happen when a trunk with the name 'Pandora Wilkins' Pandora’s Trunk
Chapter 2 Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
For once Carol was back at the flat before I was and was busy helping herself to the remains of a casserole that I’d prepared.
‘Hi Nick! Did you have a good time with Lucy tonight?’ she asked.
‘Yes thanks,’ I answered but didn’t volunteer any more detail.
‘So where did you go?’ she asked.
‘We went to a night club in Soho, Lucy had some free tickets from one of her housemates.’
‘Are you old enough to be going out to night clubs?’ she asked.
‘Yes, of course, now that I’m eighteen I’m old enough to go anywhere,’ I replied.
Carol obviously now sees herself as the guardian of my welfare and morals, at least whilst I’m staying under her roof, but I can’t complain, she is being good to me.
‘Have you had any luck job hunting, this week?’
‘Not really. I’ve completed and sent off a couple more application forms for jobs in supermarkets, but haven’t heard anything,’ I replied.
In all probability I’d never hear another word from them as was usually the case these days.
‘Don’t worry; I’m sure that something will turn up.’
We chatted for a while and then I went to bed. As usual, I used the twenty or so minutes before I fell asleep to fantasize about me wearing a dress, looking truly beautiful and being admired by my friends and family. Only this time there was the additional image of me entering and then winning a competition as the most beautiful drag debutante. But I realised it was all just fantasy. I hated my cowardice which would always condemn me to a lonely and rather grey life.
Lucy rang me the following morning: fortunately Carol was still in bed at the time.
‘Hi Nick, I’ve just seen Randi again this morning, only this time he was in male mode. He really thinks that you should go in for that competition at the club. I told him that you would like to do so but didn’t have anything suitable to wear.’
’Did I say that? Perhaps they teach mind reading in her psychology course?’
‘Go on!’ I said, unsure where this conversation was leading.
‘He has come up with a really great idea, if you are willing to cooperate.’
My heart began to pound.
‘What sort of idea?’ I asked, trying not to sound too interested.
‘You know that I can’t sing or dance!’
‘You wouldn’t have to. Apparently some of these competitions can be a little bit dull, with wannabe drag queens lip synching to I Feel Pretty, or I Enjoy Being a Girl. Ideally they want to discourage such entries and encourage more originality, but as there are bound to be some they want to inject some light relief into the proceedings.’
‘In what way?’
‘Do you remember the white halter dress that Marilyn Monroe wore in the film ‘The Seven Year Itch?’ she asked.
‘Is that the one where she stood over the subway grating?’
‘Yes, that’s right. Randi could borrow a replica of it for you to wear and the club could provide you with everything else you might need to complete the outfit.’
‘But I have dark brown hair!’ I protested.
‘We know that,’ she replied eagerly. ‘They could also loan you a platinum blonde wig to go with it. Randi thinks that with the right make-up you could do a reasonable impression of a Wannabe Marilyn Monroe. The plan is that you should enter the competition supposedly intending to mime to Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend, which is another regular entry. Randi has written a little humorous sketch in which he would interview you, taking the mickey, somewhat. Then as soon as you started miming your song, they will have an air blower ready to re-enact that scene from the film, where she stands over the grate and her dress is blown up in her face. Randi thinks the sketch would go down really well with the audience. Of course you wouldn’t get to finish your song, but you never wanted to in the first place.’
I could picture the scene in my mind: the ivory pleated dress, the high heeled sandals, the blonde hair and the make-up. It all seemed impossibly glamorous and although intended as a parody it was also the fulfillment of my night time fantasies. But how would I cope dressed like that in front of an audience? I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to turn down the idea, but couldn’t find the words to say what I really felt.
‘So what do you think?’ she asked, impatiently.
‘I don’t think I could, Lucy,’ I said in a hesitant voice.
But she wasn’t going to give up quite so easily.
‘All you’d need to do is put on a girly voice whilst Randi interviews you, and follow his script. As you are being ‘planted’ among the competitors you would be able to get changed at the club, and in any event you would need a rehearsal with Randi on Saturday afternoon. I could help you to get yourself ready. It will be good fun.’
Even now, with all this encouragement, I still couldn’t bring myself to give an outright yes.
‘What would Carol think about me appearing in public dressed as Marilyn Monroe?’ I asked.
‘I’ve no idea. Does she have to know?’ replied Lucy. ‘You could always stay at my place for the weekend.’
‘I suppose so,’ I replied without really thinking what I was saying.
‘So you’ll agree to the plan and enter the competition next week?’ she asked sounding really enthused by the idea.
My heart was pounding in my chest, and my mind began to reel. I took a deep breath.
‘Alright then,’ I replied, and suddenly felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from my soul.
‘Great, I’ll make the necessary arrangements with Randi, and email you a script,’ said Lucy sounding genuinely pleased. ‘Can you come round to my flat next Friday evening for a dry run? In fact, why not stay at my flat on Friday evening, so we can devote the whole of Saturday to getting you ready. I have an inflatable mattress that you can use to sleep on.’
‘I don’t see why not; will I also be able to go back to your place to get changed after the show?’
‘Yes of course, we’d better not leave you to make your way home on Saturday night dressed as Marilyn Monroe.’
’If only I could.’ I thought to myself.
‘What do I need to bring with me?
‘Just bring a change of clothes for when you return home on Sunday and your toothbrush. I’ll arrange for everything else that you might need. What shoe size do you take?’
‘Size six.’
‘Ideal! The club will probably provide them, but if necessary I’ll loan you a pair of mine!’
‘Alright then, I’ll see you on Friday night,’ I said rather flatly, although my heart was pounding in my chest.
‘In the meanwhile you could do some research on Marilyn Monroe on You-Tube. Her version of Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend is from the film Gentlemen Prefer Blondes and, as you know, the scene on the subway grate is from ‘The Seven Year Itch.’
I was in a state of shock as I put the phone down. I was at last going to achieve my greatest ambition, something I’d been dreaming about virtually every night since I was four. I would spend the evening dressed as an attractive young woman. Maybe it was a part of a staged comedy routine, but for most of the evening I would be able to pretend that it was really me.
‘Who was that you were talking to on the phone?’ asked Carol, emerging from her bedroom a few minutes later.
‘It was Lucy again; she’s just invited me to stay at her flat for the coming weekend.’
‘Alright, but don’t get up to anything silly, or else Mum will blame me if her precious little boy should come to any harm.’
‘Don’t worry, I’ll be fine,’ I replied, with a quiet smile.
I arrived at Lucy’s flat at the appointed time on the Friday evening and was invited inside. I noticed the 1950s ivory-coloured cocktail dress, on a hanger in her front room. It had a halter-style bodice that buttoned behind the neck, leaving the back bare, together with a calf-length soft-pleated skirt.
‘So is that the famous dress?’ I asked.
‘Only a replica: after all, the original recently sold for more than four and a half million dollars,’ answered Lucy.
‘Wow!’
‘This dress is considered a twentieth century icon, you are lucky to have the chance of wearing it.’
I didn’t respond.
‘So have you had a look at the two video clips on You-Tube, Nick?’ she asked, changing the subject.
I nodded, not wanting to admit that I’d watched each one at least a dozen times over the previous week, or that I’d also been out and bought the DVDs of both films. After all, I didn’t have that much to do in the evenings other than vainly fill in job application forms or compose variations on my somewhat thin c.v. The two films were not exactly masterpieces of cinematography, but Marilyn Monroe was truly lovely in each one. The idea that I might be able to imitate her seemed simply ridiculous, and I’d begun to get cold feet about the whole project.
‘Lucy, I know that you and Randi have gone to a lot of trouble over this weekend, but I’m beginning to wonder whether it is such a good idea.’
‘It is a great idea. That sketch is very funny and you’ll look wonderful, believe me,’ she replied, decisively.
‘It’s the getting up in public in front of a large audience, that concerns me,’ I replied.
‘How many members of the audience do you know, or will know you?’
‘None, as far as I’m aware, apart from you, that is.’
‘Precisely!’
I didn’t respond, still trying to make up my mind about what to do.
‘Well, it’s up to you, Nick, nobody is going to force you to enter, but remember that if you turn down this offer you may never get another opportunity in your life to look quite so gorgeous,’ she continued, smiling sweetly.
‘You’re making fun of me!’
‘No I’m not, honestly Nick. I think most men and most women wonder at some point what it would be like to be a member of the opposite sex, but relatively few ever get to find out as most people do not look very convincing when cross-dressed, but you are one of the minority that would do so.’
‘It isn’t the dressing up, that worries me,’ I replied, thinking as I did so that it was that aspect which truly excited me, if I could only do it in private. ‘It’s doing it in front of an audience. I’m not an extravert.’
‘Nobody is, to begin with, it just takes a little practice and then you will grow in confidence. The whole point of wearing a lovely dress like that is to be able to show yourself off to other people, especially if you’ve the benefit of an attractive looking body and a pretty face.’
Is she referring to me?’
I didn’t reply, Lucy therefore continued with her persuasion.
‘I think you’ll find that once you’re wearing the wig and some make-up you’ll feel a lot more confident about things, but, as I said before, nobody is going to force you to go in for the competition if you don’t want to.’
Once again, I hesitated before answering.
’Why can’t I just be honest about how I feel?’
‘Look, Nick, you’ve come over tonight, so at least let us try out the clothes and the wig. If you’re still unhappy, we can forget all about it.’
If I don’t say yes soon, she’s going to give up, and then I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.
‘Alright, I’ll see how it goes tonight, but I’m making no promises regarding tomorrow.’
‘Great, now take your trousers and shirt off, I want to inspect your arms and legs before we go any further.’
I did as she said.
‘Don’t worry, I’m not very hairy,’ I said.
‘I’m afraid that not very isn’t good enough. Your arms, legs, shoulders and back will be visible with the dress that you are going to wear, so you’ll need to be completely smooth all over, especially your arm pits which will be on display as well.’
I let her run her hand over my bare arms and legs.
‘You’ve nicely shaped legs for a guy but we are going to need to de-fuzz them before you put on the tights, but don’t worry it won’t take long and the hair will soon grow back again afterwards.’
‘I just hope that Carol doesn’t notice in the meanwhile,’ I said as my cousin began to spread depilatory cream under my arm pits and to shave my legs.’
‘There’s no reason why she should, as long as you don’t wander round the flat in shorts and a skimpy vest for a week or two,’ replied Lucy.
Half an hour later she was finished.
‘There, how does that feel?’
I’d not really thought about it before, but it was a nice feeling to have totally smooth arms and legs for once.
‘Alright, I suppose.’
‘Here put these on for now, and try and tuck your manhood out of the way so that nothing will be visible’ said Lucy.
She handed me a pair of elasticated knickers, and some white coloured nylon tights. They both looked brand new to me.
‘You seem to have gone to some expense on my behalf.’
‘I just bought a few items of underclothes that you will need, but the club is going to pay for them.’
I followed her instructions, carefully gathering up each leg of the tights and then inserting my leg, then pulling them up. This proved to be a truly pleasurable experience, especially now that my legs were so silky smooth. I must admit that I’d thought about trying on tights on several occasions but had never had the courage to do so before. It was so silly, I could easily have bought myself a pair from any supermarket and then tried them on in private, yet I’d always been too frightened to do so.
‘How do they feel?’ she asked.
‘It’s a really nice sensation, isn’t it,’ I said, at last allowing myself to express a little bit of enthusiasm.
She smiled and gently ran her fingers over my legs, making them tingle.
‘Yes, I suppose it is a nice feeling on the first few occasions but the novelty wears off after a while, especially if you have to wear them every day.’
‘That won’t be an issue for me,’ I replied.
Lucy changed the subject.
‘Now we’ll have to do something about giving you a pair of boobs. Randi has provided you with these,’ she said handing me a couple of silicone breast forms, but we’ll have to be careful how we attach them as you won’t be able to wear your bra tomorrow night, as the dress does not have a back to it.’
‘So how will I get them to stay in place?’
‘The bodice should provide them with a certain amount of support as long as we tape them in place, but we’ll have to be a little careful as there’s also a plunging neckline. We must therefore stick them in such a way that the adhesive tape will not be visible.’
‘It all sounds rather complicated.’
‘We’ll see how we get on this evening. Lie down on my bed and I’ll fix them for you, and then you can try on the dress.’
Once again I followed her instructions. She took nearly half an hour and used a good deal of a roll of flesh coloured medical tape to stick my two false boobs securely in place.’
‘Are we going to have to do this again tomorrow?’ I asked when she was mid-way through.
‘So you are willing to go ahead tomorrow night,’ she said.
‘I’m not sure, I’m still thinking about it.’
‘As far as your breasts are concerned let’s see how we get on tonight before deciding about tomorrow.’
‘Alright,’ I agreed.
A few minutes later she’d finished and my new boobs appeared to be firmly in place.
‘Now stand up carefully, and hold them in place for a moment, whilst I go and get your dress.’
She helped me to step in to the dress, and I inserted my new boobs into the bodice, whilst she tied the halter round my neck. A little bit of re-arrangement was then required to ensure that they were comfortable, looked natural and would not be visible.
‘How do you feel?’
My arms and my back felt bare, my front felt a little bit like a trussed chicken, but my legs felt wonderful.
‘OK, I think,’ I replied. ‘How do I look?’
The door of her wardrobe was open, blocking the mirror.
‘Just wait, I’ll show you in a minute! Now step into these,’ she said handing me a pair of white high-heeled sandals, similar to those worn by Marilyn in the film.
I sat down on the bed put them on. Again, I’d never worn high-heels before, and that was another new sensation.
‘Last of all comes the wig, she said producing a platinum blonde wig, which she carefully placed on my head, and then began to brush into a style.’
Once she was satisfied with her efforts and turned towards me.
‘Well then Nicole, or perhaps I should now say Marilyn, I’ll just put a little lipstick on you and then it will be time to have a look at our efforts.’
At last she closed her wardrobe door, and for the first time I could see myself in the mirror.
‘Wow!’ was all I could think of to say: I didn’t look at all bad.
‘We’re going to need sort out your make-up properly tomorrow, but otherwise I think we now have everything you might need. Randi will provide you with some faux diamond clip-on earrings and one or two other bits of jewelry for you to wear.’
I was too stunned by the sight of the image in the mirror in front of me to listen to what she was saying.
‘Well, young lady, are we agreed to go ahead tomorrow night?’
I still didn’t answer. It was as if I was living in a dream.
‘Nick!’ she said sharply.
‘Sorry, what did you say?’ I said, coming back to earth.
‘Are you going to go in for the competition tomorrow night?’
‘I guess so,’ I answered blushing, but also feeling good at the same time.
![]() |
In ancient times, when the the box owned by the beautiful Pandora was opened all the troubles of the world flew out and could never be put back. So what will happen when a trunk with the name 'Pandora Wilkins' Pandora’s Trunk
Chapter 3 Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Lucy didn’t seem in the least surprised by my agreeing to enter the Drag Debutantes’ competition. Whereas, to me, it seemed like an earth-shattering and life-changing decision, to her it was the most natural thing in the world for me to do.
‘I’m glad; it should be fun. Now you’d better take off the dress, tights and the shoes, before we get them dirty.
‘Yes, of course. Will you help me to remove the sticking plaster holding these breasts in place?’ I asked.
She thought for a moment.
‘No, we’ve done a good job there and so I think it might be safest to leave them in place ready for tomorrow. I’ll loan you one of my bras to wear for now, which should hold them in place until tomorrow night.’
‘But what about when I take a shower?’ I asked.
‘We’ll have to find some means of keeping them dry for tonight. Perhaps we could cover them in cling film. That way you’ll still be able to wash the rest of your body, whilst leaving them in place.’
‘Alright, I suppose, as long as you help me.’
‘In fact, now that I think about it, Nick, it might be a good idea if I find you something of mine to wear for the rest of this evening.’
‘Is that really necessary?’ I asked, almost as a reflex action, and then wondered why I had done so.
‘Yes, the more experience you can get dressed as a woman between now and tomorrow night the better. You can also keep the wig on so that you get more accustomed to having long hair.’
Before I could question or argue any more, she’d found a blue shirt-dress, another pair of tights and some high-heels for me to wear, all of which I was instructed to put on. As I was doing so Lucy began to make some detailed plans for following day as if she were planning a dinner party. Yet in spite of the fact that she was offering me exactly what I’d always wanted, I still found myself holding back and questioning to some degree rather than fully embracing the opportunity she was providing.
‘I’ll just renew your lipstick and also put a little of my mascara on to your lashes for this evening, but I think that maybe tomorrow morning we should go out and get you some make-up of your own.’
‘I can’t go out dressed like this.’
‘Well you’d look pretty strange if you go out dressed in your own clothes with those boobs on?’
‘But I thought I was going to get changed at the club.’
‘You can use the changing room at the club for any last minute adjustments or repairing your make-up, but it will be easier if we do most of the preparation to turn you into a girl here. I’ll loan you one of my winter coats, to cover up that lovely dress, and prevent a breach of the peace during our journey into central London,’ she said laughing.
‘I didn’t realise that you were expecting me to go out dressed like this, in broad daylight.’
‘Well I do so every day, so what is the problem?’
I didn’t answer as I was unsure what to say. The prospect both excited and also terrified me. She therefore finished touching up my make-up and stood back to admire her work.
‘You know, Nick, Randi was quite right, you don’t look at all bad dressed as a girl. You’ll just need a bit of practice with the way you walk and gesture and then nobody would ever know.’
‘What do you mean, Randi was right? What else was said between you?’ I wondered, but chose not to respond; so Lucy continued talking.
‘I’ll be able to provide you with some stick on false nails for the show tomorrow, but there’s no reason why we shouldn’t give your real nails a quick manicure and coat of polish in the meanwhile.’
‘Just as long as it all comes off before I have to go home on Sunday,’ I said, for the first time consciously trying to adopt feminine mannerisms, although without going over the top’
She smiled to see that I was beginning to enter the spirit of the exercise and began to file my nails. As she did so an idea came to her.
‘How would you like to go out for a drink to the pub round the corner, by way of preparation for tomorrow?’
Once again, the prospect both excited and also terrified me. In some respects there was nothing that I would like to do more.
‘No thanks, Lucy, I don’t think I should try to run before I can walk,’ I replied.
She sighed.
‘Alright Miss Scaredy-cat, I’ll do a deal with you. I’ll excuse you from going out this evening but only on condition that you promise to come shopping with me in the morning, to choose yourself some make-up. Is that agreed?’
'I can't keep turning down her suggestions.'
‘Alright then.’
We therefore spent the remainder of the evening indoors, with Lucy giving me various hints about how I should walk, talk, sit down and use my hands. It was a little odd to take a shower with my chest wrapped in cling-film, but it kept the tape holding my new boobs dry. I suppose I was also spared the discomfort of removing them before I went to bed and Lucy would be spared the trouble of putting them back for me in the morning.
‘You might find it more comfortable to continue wearing my bra in bed tonight under your pyjamas,’ suggested Lucy. ‘I’ll find you a clean one when we go out in the morning.’
This proved to be another strange sensation as was having to sleep on my back.
I woke up first the next morning realising that my chest felt different, and then remembering where I was and what I’d agreed to do. There was no sound from Lucy’s bedroom so I went ahead and dressed myself, using the clothes that I’d been wearing the night before. I even put on the blonde wig and carefully brushed it away from my face. Lucy must have heard me moving around and soon afterwards she emerged from her bedroom.
‘Good morning, Nicole!’ she said without expressing any particular surprise at my appearance. It was just what she expected me to be wearing.
Over breakfast we discussed our arrangements for the remainder of the day.
‘I need to do my week’s shopping at the local supermarket and they are also the cheapest place to buy you some make-up at the same time.’
‘How much are you expecting me to spend?’ I asked beginning to get a little anxious about the cost of this weekend.
‘You’ll just need a few items to put in your handbag but they should only come to twenty pounds or so; I’ll provide you with everything else you need from my supplies.’
‘Handbag?’
‘Don’t worry I’ll loan you one of mine, and also a winter coat to wear in the street.’
‘Are you sure that I’ll be alright going out dressed like this?’ I asked.
‘Yes, of course. I’ll help you put on some make-up first and tidy your hair before we go, but otherwise you should be fine. You never know, you may actually get to enjoy yourself.’
‘That depends on how I get on,’ I replied.
‘I’ll still need to go to the cash dispenser, but at least I’ll be able to use Nick’s debit card without attracting attention,’ I thought.
Half an hour later Lucy provided me with a second make-up lesson; this time she explained exactly what she was doing with each product and provided me with advice as to how it should be used. I was surprised what a difference it made to my appearance and was feeling more confident by the time we came to leave. On the way out Lucy knocked on one of the other doors in the house. A rather effeminate guy in his late-thirties dressed in jeans and a t-shirt answered. It took me a second or two to realise that it was Randi.
‘Hi Randi. I’d like you to meet my cousin Nicole, who will be entering your competition tonight.’
He looked pleased by the news.
‘Hmm, not bad at all, Lucy, you have done a good job. I suspected that your cousin would look ok with a little help from a few props.’
Randi then turned to me.
‘Well Nicole, it is so nice to meet you again, but this time more appropriately dressed. I’m looking forward to interviewing you this evening. If you come to the club at about three o’clock I have arranged for you to borrow a dressing room and then at four thirty we can go through the routine together.’
‘Thanks,’ I replied, blushing, and not knowing what else to say.
Lucy was right, once I’d got over my initial nerves and realised that everyone in the street and at the supermarket wasn’t staring at me, but rather getting on with their own lives, I actually began to enjoy our morning shopping trip. There were several new sensations to contend with, such as having to brush stray hairs out of my face from time to time, or the awareness of wearing make-up. My legs also felt quite different, but very comfortable, sheathed in nylon tights and wearing a dress. I was still a little unsteady on my high heels, and had walk carefully, but I was gradually getting the hang of them. It was also helpful that I didn’t need to interact with anyone other than Lucy on this first trip out of doors. She did all the talking to the shop assistants.
‘Unfortunately we don’t have enough time to take you clothes shopping this morning, but we can spend a little time at the cosmetics counter, if you wish,’ suggested my cousin.
‘Alright then,’ I answered trying to adopt a feminine voice.
‘You’re going to need a bright red lipstick, your own mascara wand, some eye shadow, some eye-liner and a powder compact. I’ll provide everything else.’
We spent a little time selecting the right colours.
‘What about nail varnish?’ I asked.
‘It would be best to have a colour to match your lipstick, if you do not mind the extra expense.’
I sighed.
‘Alright, I’ve come so far, we may as well do things properly.’
‘Good girl! You're beginning to have the right attitude,’ said Lucy smiling.
We added the various items to her shopping trolley and I handed over some more of my dwindling supply of money.
It wasn’t until after we’d returned to Lucy’s flat just before lunch that my nerves began to fail me. Lucy suggested that I took a quick wash rather than another shower. As I did so, I began to lose confidence in my looks and my ability to pass as a woman.
What on earth has persuaded me to enter this competition in the first place, I don’t have any chance of winning and I’ll just be making a fool of myself.
Lucy had assured me that I could back out at the last minute if necessary, but she and Randi had already invested so much time and effort into my entry, and I knew that they would be disappointed if I did so. But ultimately this was not the reason why I forced myself to carry on. I was doing this for my own sake. I would hate myself, even more, if my courage were to fail me now. My nerves must have been obvious because after I’d emerged wearing only a bra and knickers, she came over to re-assure me.
‘Don’t worry Nicole, you’re going to look really great tonight and everything will be fine.’
‘I just hope you’re right. I thought.
‘You appear to have tucked everything nicely out of sight,’ she said, referring to the vestiges of my manhood. ‘Put on a dressing gown for now and after lunch we’ll put some nail varnish on your toe nails as you’ll be wearing open-toed sandals. Then we’ll affix your new finger nails and then we can make a start on your make-up.’
I no longer sought to question or to argue. From now onwards I was going to let Lucy do whatever she needed to do with me. Once my toes were dry, I put on my tights and some slippers, and Lucy loaned me her silk dressing gown. The next hour and a half were spent on an extended make-up lesson conducted by my cousin, using both myself and herself to demonstrate. We sat down next to one another at her dressing table with a wide mirror.
‘I’ll need to do your make-up for you on this occasion, but I’m telling you what I’m doing so you can do it for yourself another time,’ she began.
’Another time?’ I thought, but said nothing.
Lucy clearly enjoyed wearing cosmetics herself and over the years had collected quite a number. She carefully explained to me what every little bottle, tube, applicator or tub of powder was intended for, how it should be used and the overall effect she was seeking to achieve. She began with my face, explaining about foundation to fill the pores and give me an even complexion, concealers to hide blemishes, blusher and the need to use a little face powder to stop my nose from shining. When she had finished she began to inspect my eyes once again.
‘I’m afraid we’re going to need to tidy up your brows a little, Nicole,’ she said.
‘Please be careful, remember that I’ll have to go back to Carol’s flat tomorrow night.’
‘She’ll never notice if I just pluck out a few stray hairs.’
The effect she had on my eyes was remarkable, turning them from a rather non-descript dull brown to ones that sparkled and stood out, whilst not looking as if they were smothered in make-up. She put on one coat of mascara, and then once it was dry, I was allowed to put on a second coat by myself. Then came the lips, which she carefully lined in red before filling in with the new lipstick that we’d bought.
Eventually she was satisfied with us both and we helped one another into our respective dresses. She then helped me to fix the blonde wig which she had borrowed for me, and brushed her own hair into a style, and I put on the shoes that I would be wearing.
‘These are borrowed from Randi, she does love to sparkle,’ she said handing me some fake diamond a necklace and a ring.
I put them on, and Lucy handed me a white handbag to match the shoes that I would be wearing.
‘Put in your wallet, lipstick, mascara, some tissues and a spare set of keys in case we get split up, but don’t worry I promise to keep an eye out for you.’
‘So Miss Monroe, what do you think of your outfit?’ she asked in a faux Hollywood accent.
‘It’s great in fact I think we both look wonderful,’ I replied, doing my best to adopt her girly voice.
I put on Lucy’s coat and was at last ready to go out and face the world in my new guise.
‘Alright then my girl, let’s go and knock ‘em dead!’
It was probably just as well for me to be wearing the coat as I received several stares from passers-by as it was. I even heard a wolf-whistle from some young lads on the opposite platform. Suddenly all of my nerves returned to me.
‘Everyone keeps looking at me,’ I whispered to Lucy, who was also looking pretty glamorous herself.
‘Yes of course they are, remember that you’re a platinum blonde and a pretty convincing Marilyn Monroe look-alike. You are bound to attract some attention. Just smile sweetly, and leave any talking to me.’
‘Why ever did I let myself get roped into this?’ I said quietly.
‘Because you wanted to,’ Lucy whispered back. ‘Now stop worrying and start to enjoy yourself.’
Fortunately, no guys sought to ‘try their luck’ by chatting to us on the train going in, and it wasn’t too long before we’d arrived at Oxford Circus and were walking towards the club. Gradually my self-confidence began to return, although my feet were beginning to ache as I was unused to wearing high heels.
‘Before we go in to the club, I’ll put on these for you. I didn’t give them to you before as they can get a little uncomfortable after a while,’ said Lucy.
She affixed a pair of clip-on earrings to my ears and brushed a few stray hairs into place.
‘OK, it is going to be Marilyn and Miss Monroe for the rest of the evening,’ she said.
![]() |
In ancient times, when the box owned by the beautiful Pandora, the first mortal woman, was opened all the troubles of the world flew out and could never be put back. So what will happen when a trunk with the name 'Pandora Wilkins' Pandora’s Trunk
Chapter 4 Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
I rehearsed our little sketch with Randi for forty-five minutes or so during the course of the afternoon. It went reasonably well but it must have been obvious to anybody watching that I was a novice even if I did look quite presentable in the borrowed costume and wig. However, Randi assured me that I needn’t worry. None of the other contestants would be professional performers even if several of them would have had plenty of experience in drag. Randi then invited us to have a bite to eat with him before the club opened for the evening.
‘So how did Nicole do, or perhaps I should say Marilyn?’ asked Lucy.
Randi smiled indulgently.
‘In some respects the combination of good looks and incompetence is just what we are looking for on this occasion.’
Then turning to me, she said: ‘But don’t worry my dear, I was a lot worse than you are when I started.’
I wasn’t sure what she meant by that word ‘started’, but decided it was probably wisest to let it pass for the time being. Once we’d finished, Randi announced a surprise.
‘Now ladies, to increase the sense of spectacle, I have arranged with a friend who is a chauffeur for a limousine hire company nearby to pick the two of you up at the back door at 7.50.’
‘What for?’ asked Lucy.
‘He’ll drive you around the block for a few minutes and then deliver you to the front door, so you can both make a glamorous ‘entrance’ to impress all the punters. As you’re one of the contestants, you do not have to queue with the others but can go straight to the door. I’ll get one of the security guys on the door to treat you as if you really were a couple of celebrities.’
‘Oh heavens, I’m not even sure how to get out of a car wearing a dress,’ I said.
‘We have half an hour to spare, I’ll give you a quick demonstration,’ said Lucy.
There was quite a queue waiting to get in the club when we drove up and went straight to the front of the line. I could see lots of eyes turned in my direction, wondering who it was. I received another wolf-whistle as we walked past and so I turned and smiled and blew a kiss to the guy responsible. Somewhat to my amusement, he went bright red.
‘Well done! I think you’re beginning to get the hang of being a girl,’ said Lucy smiling as we went in.
As soon as we were inside we deposited our coats and started to have a quick look around at the other contestants to size-up the opposition.
‘I think you may be in with a reasonable chance,’ said Lucy. ‘Just remember how much trouble Randi and I have taken and so please don’t let us down.’
‘I promise to do my best,’ I answered, feeling both petrified and yet excited at the same.
‘Good, now come with me to the ladies and we’ll touch up your make-up.’
‘Is that allowed?’ I asked.
‘Well you can hardly go to the gents looking the way you do,’ she replied. ‘It might start a riot!’
Of course nobody batted an eyelid, as Lucy refreshed my lipstick and I carefully put on an extra coat of mascara. As we emerged, the competition was just being announced and competitors were asked to make their way to the stage. Lucy gave me a quick hug.
‘I mustn’t spoil your make-up, but keep in your mind that you look lovely, and make a very convincing and attractive young woman. Try to speak and act in the way that we’ve taught you and then you should be fine,’ she said.
I thanked her for her help and she left me to join the audience.
There were fifteen or so other contestants. They all appeared to be far more confident than me and several of them already seemed to know one another. About a half of those in the line were clearly men, although several of them looked very nice in their outfits, all the same, and some even looked quite sexy. Another three or four might have raised a question in my mind if I’d met them in the street - it would depend upon how they spoke and acted whether I’d think of them as being male or female. Finally there were a few real beauties who walked, talked and gestured just like glamorous young women and whom I’d never have dreamed might be men. I so wished that I could be like one of them, no matter what my mother or sister thought.
Randi explained the proceedings to us and the fact that the competition would be judged on looks, costume, presentation (including body language and voice), and entertainment value. It would be decided partly by a team of ‘celebrity’ judges and partly through a popular vote from the audience. We were each allocated a number and waited our turn to go on and be introduced to the audience, and perform our act.
‘You’re a newcomer to these events aren’t you?’ asked a brunette in front of me in the line.
I nodded in response.
‘I’m Cherie, and this is my third competition,’ she continued, offering me a large but nicely manicured hand.
’Your face and make-up are pretty good, Cherie, but I’m afraid your hands and your voice will always give you away,’ I thought to myself.
‘Hi, I’m Nicole, or rather Marilyn, just for this evening,’ I said smiling and shaking her hand.
‘Yes, of course, in that dress, who else could you be.’
‘You’re right, this is my first competition, but I thought it was going to be for debutantes only,’ I said motioning towards a particularly poised and glamorous young lady being interviewed by Randi.
‘In this context a debutante is anyone who hasn’t appeared professionally before, but several of the contestants have loads of experience as amateurs and one or two spend their lives as women and by the looks of things have been taking hormones.’
‘I wondered why everyone seemed to be so much more confident than me,’ I replied.
‘I wouldn’t worry, you look pretty good for a newcomer; I can see you doing very well this evening.‘
‘Thanks, for the compliment. You look pretty good yourself and I love your outfit,’ I said, which was true.
‘There’s a rumour going round that they may be looking for one or two new regular performers from among the winners tonight.’
‘Yes, I’d heard that as well. Would you be interested?’ I asked.
‘Oh yes,’ Cherie sighed wistfully, ‘but I‘m afraid that I‘m not blessed with your feminine features.’
I didn’t answer, not knowing what I thought about the idea.
‘You’ve made an excellent job with your make-up Nicole, where did you learn to do it so well?’ she asked
‘It was done for me by my cousin, who also helped me with my hair. I would never be able to do it by myself.’ I replied.
‘Oh, I see,’ she replied.
‘Last night was the first time I have ever dressed as a woman,’ I replied by way of explanation.
‘In that case, you are doing extremely well. I have been dressing like this for several years but unfortunately I only ever get the chance to be Cherie at weekends,’ she continued.
’I wonder if I’ll next have another chance to dress as Nicole,’ I thought to myself, but before anything more could be said, Cherie was called on to the stage to do her bit.
My little set piece with Randi seemed to amuse the audience and I shrieked with genuine surprise when the air blower blew up my dress, revealing my knickers for all to see, which caused much hilarity and applause from the audience. However, in other respects I knew that I’d lacked the confidence, feminine poise and performing talent of many of the other contenders. Nevertheless, I got a good round of applause and came away feeling quite pleased with myself. It was as if I had at last got over a major hurdle in my life. I’d appeared on stage dressed as a woman and the world hadn’t come crashing down.
Whilst I was waiting to go on stage, Lucy had teamed up with a couple of lads in the audience and was sitting at their table. She motioned for me to come over and join them afterwards whilst we waited for the audience votes to be counted and the judges to make their decision.
‘Well done, Marilyn. If they judge it on looks and costume, I think you ought to come first or second,’ said Andy, one of the two lads who appeared to have taken a shine to my cousin.
I blushed, feeling that he was being unduly generous.
‘If only you hadn’t stomped up on the stage quite so much like a baby elephant,’ said Lucy.
I blushed.
‘Sorry Nicole, I didn’t mean to be rude. Given that it was your first time, you were very good indeed, and with a little more practice you would have been a triumph.’
‘Well I think you were great,’ added Paul, Andy’s friend, who put his arm round my shoulder and kissed me in a friendly manner.
I knew from his body language that he was just being friendly and had no serious designs on me, but I continued to blush all the same, but at the same time felt good about myself and the way I looked.
Of course I didn’t win the competition, or even come second for that matter: this isn’t a fairy tale. Somewhat to my surprise, though, I came fourth out of sixteen, which, given the circumstances and my lack of experience, I thought was quite creditable. Cherie was placed sixth, which also seemed to satisfy her.
The remainder of the evening turned out to be really good fun. The Marilyn Monroe costume went down well, and attracted a fair amount of attention. I was asked for a dance by several guys, and a number of others wanted to be photographed with me. Both Lucy and I were plied with offers of drinks. After a drink or two I even gained a little more confidence and so was willing to be photographed sitting on the laps of guys (and one or two girls), putting my arms around them in a provocative poses. Several other girls also came over to offer me congratulations, or else wanting to admire my dress and make-up. I even felt sufficiently confident to go to the ladies toilet on my own, where I also refreshed my make-up, whilst chatting to others doing so at the same time. My cousin was right about the clip-ons, however, which were becoming quite painful, so I ditched them soon after the show, putting them in my handbag. All in all, it proved to be an enjoyable evening and both Lucy and I had a lot of fun.
Once the show was over and the prizes presented, Randi came round to commiserate with each of the unsuccessful contestants individually. I was the last one that she spoke to, shortly after midnight.
‘Nicole, my dear, I’m so sorry you didn’t win, and you looked so lovely in that dress. However, you were up against stiff opposition tonight and did pretty well for a first-timer,’ she said.
‘Thanks Randi, I did much better than I imagined,’ I replied.
She smiled.
‘You so remind me of my first occasion doing drag,’ she continued. ‘But you’re going to need quite a bit more practice walking, and talking as Nicole before you will be really convincing.’
‘Thanks, but I’m afraid that isn’t very likely in the foreseeable future.’
‘So you haven’t said anything to your parents about tonight?’
‘No, my parents live in different parts of East Anglia. I’m staying with my elder sister, who is a banker. I’m not sure that she’d approve of tonight, if she knew.’
‘Are you sure about that? We have quite a few bankers who come to the club, some of whom love to do so in drag.’
‘I think my sister is a little bit more serious minded than that,’ I replied.
‘So couldn’t you spend a few more of your weekends staying with Lucy?’
‘Lucy has her own life to live and won’t want me around every weekend. In any event I’m going to need to find myself a job before I think about doing anything else.’
‘So you are not employed at present.’
‘No; just occasional casual work.’
Randi thought for a moment.
‘What are you planning to do tomorrow?’ she asked.
‘Nothing much, I’ll have to get changed back into Nick before I return to stay with my sister.’
‘Would you be able to come back to the club at lunchtime tomorrow? My business partner will be there and we will be seeing one or two people. I think he might like to have a talk with you as well.’
‘Do you mean for me come as Nick or as Marilyn?’ I asked, only half serious.
Randi thought for a minute.
‘Come as Nicole, just as I saw you this morning, if you can manage to do so; that might be best.
‘I’m not sure, if I‘ll be able to. I’ll need to talk to Lucy first about whether or not she will let me continue to borrow her clothes.’
‘Tell her that that it might be worth your while to do so.’
With that she left me to return to her job as compere for the remainder of the evening.
This time Lucy and I stayed after the show, having fun at the club until the early hours of the morning. Paul and Andy didn’t live too far away from Lucy and so they invited us share their cab. We didn’t invite them in: I don’t think they were expecting it, but I’d noticed that Lucy and Andy had exchanged telephone numbers earlier at the club. I gave Paul a chaste kiss on the cheek and thanked him for a nice evening. I don’t think the taxi driver realised that I was really a guy, so there was no reason for him to be embarrassed.
‘So, young lady, have you enjoyed your night out?’ asked Lucy as we entered her flat.
‘Oh yes. It’s been great fun, thank you so much for encouraging me to take part,’ I replied, still retaining my girly voice.
‘We’d best get you changed out of that dress, and then I’ll show you how to remove your make-up.’
‘Alright, I suppose so,’ I replied, this time not seeking to disguise the note of sadness that the wonderful night would soon be finishing.’
‘Do you want me to help you to remove your boobs as well?’ she asked.
‘May we leave them in place until tomorrow?’ I asked.
Lucy smiled.
‘Yes alright then, as long as you don’t mind taking a shower wrapped in cling film once again.’
As we shared her dressing table mirror, each one removing our make-up and putting on moisturiser, I raised a topic that was on my mind.
‘Randi came over to speak to me after the competition last night. She wants me to go back to the club at 1.00pm tomorrow to meet her boss.’
‘Did she say what for?’ asked Lucy.
‘No, but she suggests that I should go dressed as Nicole.’
‘So what did you say?’
‘I said that I didn’t know whether I could go or not and that I’d have to talk to you first.’
‘Do you think they might offer you a job?’ she asked.
‘I don’t imagine so, I may have looked alright but I didn’t do all that well on stage.’
‘Well there must be a reason why they want to talk to you. How would you feel if they did do so?’
’After that night I knew exactly how I would feel, but didn’t dare to spell it out.’
‘I don’t think I could possibly accept,’ I replied. ‘Whatever would Carol say?’
Lucy shrugged her shoulders.
‘It’s your life.’
‘So what do you think I should do, Lucy?’
‘Go, of course, at least to find out what they have in mind, and then you can decide what you want to do.’
‘Alright then. In that case may I borrow your clothes once again?’
‘Yes, of course. I’ll help you to get ready and put on some make-up as well, if you like.’
‘Oh yes please, and I don’t suppose you would come with me for some moral support?’
‘I’ll come into town with you, but you will be on your own once we get to the club,’ she replied. ‘I’ll wait for you outside in a café and then we can have a look around Covent Garden Market afterwards if you like.’
‘Thank you Lucy. I’d really like that.’
‘But you should understand that there’ll soon come a time when most of my time will be taken up with college work.’
‘I realise that,’ I replied. ‘And also perhaps seeing Andy once again?’
She blushed.
‘Maybe, if he decides to call me sometime.’
![]() |
In ancient times, when the box owned by the beautiful Pandora, the first mortal woman, was opened all the troubles of the world flew out and could never be put back. So what will happen when a trunk with the name 'Pandora Wilkins' Pandora’s Trunk
Chapter 5 Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
The following day Lucy and I arrived at the club at about 12.45. I was wearing her shirt dress, brown wig and high heels. Once again she’d helped me to put on some make-up and to style my hair, but we’d not been as ambitious as the previous evening. Nevertheless I knew that I looked like a smart and attractive young woman, and felt quite confident as we travelled into central London. We parted company at the club entrance.
‘Alright, Nicki, this is it: I’m afraid you’re on your own now. How are you feeling?’ asked Lucy.
I had been in an optimistic and confident mood but was now beginning to feel a little nervous.
'A little bit anxious,’ I admitted.
‘As far as your presentation is concerned, you have been fine so far today. I’m now going to my University library in Gower Street, but if you like I’ll wait for you at the Starbucks in Tottenham Court Road from 2.00pm. Good luck.’
I entered the club and a young woman asked me to take a seat outside the office as I was a little early for my appointment. (At least I think it was a young woman, but in this environment I couldn’t be absolutely sure.)
After about five minutes or so Randi (this time in male mode) together with a middle-aged guy, emerged from the office. They were followed by two of the previous night’s winners, who were also both en-femme but this time wearing everyday clothes rather than their costumes. It was clear from their conversation that they’d both just been offered a job and were looking forward to starting work. As soon as the two recruits had left I was invited to step into the office.
‘Ah yes, our Marilyn Monroe look-alike, what should I call you?’ asked the middle-aged guy.
‘My name is Nick, but it might be simpler to call me Nicole or Nicki as I’m wearing a dress.’
‘Alright Nicole, I’m Jack Nelson, the owner of the club, and I believe you’ve already met Randi.’
I smiled in acknowledgment, and was invited to take a seat.
‘We were both very impressed by your appearance last night but, to be honest, we weren’t too impressed by everything else,’ he continued. ‘You walked like a man, were unsteady on your heels, and didn’t know what to do with your hands. The pitch and timbre of your voice were both good but you clearly have not been listening carefully to the way that women speak and what they say.’
I was a little taken aback by his bluntness.
‘Maybe, but you're judging me by professional standards. Yesterday was the first time I’d ever dressed as a woman or appeared on stage.
‘So Randi tells me, which I suppose is some kind of excuse. Your makeup was also quite impressive, did you do that by yourself?’ he asked.
‘No, my cousin did it for me,’ I admitted.
‘Oh that’s a pity.’
There was a brief pause.
‘If I was so bad why have you asked to see me today?’
‘Because we both think that you could be good, with a little more practice. Randi and I are planning to put together a new show early in the New Year and we might be interested in employing you then, if you can get in some more practice in the meanwhile.’
‘But that’s three months away. I can’t see me getting the opportunity to spend much more time as Nicole before then. I don’t have a job, all the clothes I’m wearing are borrowed from my cousin and I live with my sister who currently knows nothing about last night.’
‘Come on Jack, surely we could help her out with a job behind the bar or as a waitress in the meanwhile, to provide her with the opportunity to get that practice that she obviously needs,’ said Randi.
‘How old are you?’ he asked.
‘Eighteen.’
‘Alright Nicole, I’m willing to give you a six week paid trial as a barmaid at ten pounds fifty an hour, but there will be conditions.’
‘What sort of conditions?’ I asked.
‘I am willing to invest some money in helping you develop your presentation skills and experience as a young woman, but only on the understanding that you are making real progress towards eventually becoming a competent performer.’
‘What do you mean by that?’
‘I’ll pay for you to have some hair extensions, nail extensions and stick-on silicone boobs. The club will also provide you with your working clothes but in return, I’ll expect to see some rapid progress in the way you walk, talk, gesture, and in your ability to use make-up, and look after your hair.
‘But won’t that mean I’ll have to dress as a woman full-time?’
‘We’ll only be able to judge you at work. What you choose to wear when you’re at home will be your own affair, but you will inevitably have long hair and boobs, so I suppose you are going to look like a girl whatever you put on.’
‘In some respects that will be a good thing for you, as the more time you can spend dressed as a girl over the next six weeks the better,’ said Randi.
‘But what am I going to wear when I’m not at work?’
‘You could perhaps borrow some clothes from your sister or your cousin, and you will be earning a reasonable wage and there will be tips as well, so maybe you should go out and buy some clothes for yourself,’ he continued.
‘But my sister doesn’t know anything about last night,’ I said.
‘Well maybe it’s now time for you to tell her, if you really are looking for a job,’ said Jack.
‘I don’t know what to say. Can I have a little time to think about your offer?’
‘Any of the other competitors from last night would jump at such an opportunity,’ said Randi.
But this time Jack relented slightly.
‘Alright you can have a few days to think about it but we will need to know by next Friday whether or not you are willing to begin work for us the following week.’
‘Thank you, I promise to let you know by Friday.’
I shook both of their hands and went to leave. Randi saw me out.
‘I do hope you say yes, Nicki, I think you have the potential to do well as a female impersonator.’
‘Thanks,’ I said, not knowing whether to be thrilled or horrified by the prospect offered to me.
I made my way through along Berwick Street to Oxford Street, and then to Tottenham Court Road in a dream, unaware of my surroundings and not caring whether the many people around were looking at me or not. I was trying to make sense of my feelings. In one respect it was the answer to so many of my dreams, but at the same time it would force me to face the demons that I’d been hiding from throughout my life. I couldn’t help it, but I cared about what members of my family thought about me, and I had no idea what my mother and sister would say when they found out? What about my father and my other relations? What would other people in the village think? I’d always assumed that my wishes would be kept a secret from my family and friends. But, on the other hand, they were only talking about a six week trial, with no guarantee of anything afterwards. Perhaps, I could go in for the trial without everyone in East Anglia finding out? But my sister would have to know.
I arrived at the coffee bar with ten minutes to spare and there was no sign of Lucy waiting for me. I therefore purchased a coffee and attempted to pull myself together taking stock of my circumstances. Here I was, in the centre of London dressed as an attractive young woman, with long hair and wearing make-up. This was a situation that I’d sometimes had fantasies about in the past in those precious few minutes before I fell asleep. It felt both frightening and yet gratifying at the same time.
‘Hi Nicki, you look pre-occupied.’
Lucy had approached without me being aware of her presence.
‘Sorry, I was miles away.’
‘So, what happened? Did they offer you a job?’
‘Yes, but there are some conditions attached and so I don’t think I’ll be able to accept it.’
‘Let me get myself a cup of coffee and you can tell me all about it.’
Ten minutes later I’d related to my cousin all that had been previously been said.
‘How would you fancy working as a barmaid?’ asked Lucy smiling.
‘I could do the job easily enough, and the pay is quite respectable, but it would be a bit strange to do so, dressed as a woman every evening.’
‘Well they won’t be employing you for your skills in bar work.’
‘I suppose not.’
‘So why won’t you be able to accept their job offer?’
‘I don’t see how I can. Carol would have to know and then she would tell Mum who would freak out and all hell would break loose. I’d be dragged back to Suffolk in disgrace and condemned to spend the rest of my life, gutting chickens.’
‘You’re making a lot of assumptions there. I suppose you can’t really avoid telling Carol but you don’t know for certain that she would tell your mother. Even if your mother did find out, are you sure that she would react so badly?’
‘She would, and she would, believe me!’
‘Alright so they both find out and they both react badly as you think; so what? You’re an adult now. They can’t force you to do anything that you don’t want to.’
‘You forget that I’ll need to continue to live with my sister, and would rather not be disowned by my mother if I can avoid it. I’ve lost contact with my father as it is.’
Lucy thought for a while.
‘Be honest with me, Nicki, if you didn’t have to worry about Carol and your mother, how would you react to the offer?’
I sighed.
‘I suppose I’d be tempted to give it a try, just to see how I got on,’ I said and then blushed as if I was admitting some terrible secret to my cousin.
‘I thought so. In fact I’ve always thought there was something a little feminine in your character; that's why you're my favourite cousin.
I continued to blush, not sure what to feel about what she’d just said.
‘I think you should at least give Carol the benefit of the doubt and see how she reacts to the news. If you like, I’ll come with you when you tell her. If she really freaks out, I’ll say it was my fault and that I led you astray.’
‘I need to think about it,’ I said.
‘Don’t think about it too long. You won't get another opportunity for such a trial.’
‘I know, just give me a little time this afternoon to think about it.’
‘Alright then, after we’ve finished our coffee let’s go and have a look at the market, but I’ll be expecting a decision from you by the time we go home.’
We made our way through Seven Dials to the Covent Garden Market, which is always a great place to spend a Sunday afternoon, especially in late September whilst the weather is still fine. In many respects it was like a dream come true, being out in broad daylight wearing a dress, with long hair and make-up. Nobody looked at me at all oddly or treated me disrespectfully. Lucy went out of her way to treat me just like any of her girlfriends, pointing out things that she liked or else thought might suit me, and making no reference to my former self. Yet I couldn’t fully concentrate on what we were doing. Part of me was enjoying myself, whilst another part felt sure that everyone I came into contact with must see through the disguise, realise that I was really a man, and be secretly laughing at me without me being aware of it. I couldn’t help but think about the offer that had been made to me. The possibility of spending several weeks working as a girl really excited me but there was also the prospect of having to tell Carol, who would want to tell my mother.
At about five p.m. we had another coffee together as it was beginning to get cooler outside. Whilst we were there Lucy got one of the waitresses to take a photograph of the two of us, using her mobile phone.
‘Well Nicki, have you enjoyed your afternoon?’
‘Yes, very much, thank you.’
‘So what do you plan to do?’
‘I think I’d like to go ahead with the trial.
‘When are you going to tell Carol?’
‘She’s normally home early on Thursday evenings.’
‘Why don’t you invite me to dinner at your place on Thursday evening and we’ll break it to her together.’
‘Alright then, I’ll do so if you’ll come with me and support me. In some ways you did lead me astray, but I’m glad that you did do so,’ I replied smiling. I’d better let Randi know that I won’t be able to make a decision until I’ve seen Carol.’
‘Don’t worry, I’ll explain your situation to her when I next see her. I’ll also print out a couple of the photographs from last night and the one we took this afternoon, so you’ll be able to show them to your sister.’
‘Alright, but let’s see how she reacts to the news first, before you show her any pictures. I think it is now time to return to Hornsey where I’ll begin the process of changing back into Nicholas once again.’
‘Unless I have a message to the contrary, I’ll come round to your sister’s flat after I finish college on Thursday and we can work out what we’re going to say to her.’
Fortunately Carol was still out with her friends when I arrived home at about 10.00 pm on Sunday night, having changed back into my own clothes and removed all visible traces of the make-up I’d been wearing. I went to bed early as I wanted to avoid any prolonged conversation with my sister as to what I’d been doing during the weekend. Also I needed some time to try and take stock of everything that had happened to me over the last few days, and how I felt about it. I therefore left her a note hoping that she’d had a great weekend and explained that I was feeling tired and so had gone to bed. I heard her come in to the flat soon after midnight, but she must have assumed that I was asleep and went straight to bed without knocking on my door. The following morning I deliberately emerged from my room only when I knew that Carol would soon be leaving for work and would not have time for a lengthy conversation. She didn’t appear to notice any difference with my eyebrows, and of course my arms and legs were well covered.
‘Hi Nick, I’m afraid I can’t stop now. I’m sorry I didn’t get to see you over the weekend,’ she said.
‘That’s alright, I had a good time with Lucy. By the way, I’ve invited her for dinner on Thursday evening to thank her, if that is alright with you.’
‘Thursday will be fine with me, just as long as you are not expecting me to do the cooking; I haven’t seen Lucy for some time.’
‘No, don’t worry, I’ll do all the preparations,’ I said.
‘In that case, here’s thirty pounds in case there’s anything extra that you need to buy for the meal, but I must dash.’
With that I was left alone with my thoughts once again.
![]() |
In ancient times, when the box owned by the beautiful Pandora, the first mortal woman, was opened all the troubles of the world flew out and could never be put back. So what will happen when a trunk with the name 'Pandora Wilkins' Pandora’s Trunk
Chapter 6 Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
I might have known what was going to happen: as soon as I’d made the arrangements with Carol and Lucy, I started to have second thoughts about the wisdom of taking such a job. My sister would undoubtedly freak out when she knew and tell Mum. I doubted whether I would be able to stand up to a combined onslaught from the two of them. I would probably be ordered back to East Anglia and a future of gutting chickens, or else become the shameful secret in our family, unable to show my face at home ever again.
In any event, although I may have looked alright wearing that dress and wig, when I’d had Lucy’s help, I’d never be able to carry off working as a female impersonator on a regular basis. The owner of the club would be bound to want to get rid of me as soon as the trial was over. In fact, the whole idea was ridiculous. As yet, I’d made no commitment; I wouldn’t be letting anyone down if I pulled out. I’d just forget about the club and continue to look for a job for Nick. Yet, at the same time, I had to admit to myself that both Lucy and Randi had been encouraging (apart from her comment about me stomping around like a baby elephant) and it had felt so good to go out dressed as a woman on Sunday afternoon. I hated myself and my cowardice in not grasping the opportunity that I’d always dreamed about and realised that nothing like this would ever happen to me again. Thus, after a day and a sleepless night wrestling with my feelings, I decided to leave the matter in the lap of the gods.
On Tuesday and Wednesday I made a conscious effort to look for work, both in the local newspaper and at the Job Centre, feeling that if I found a job it would save me from the awkward tasks of having to tell my sister about the previous weekend and deciding whether or not to accept the trial that I’d been offered. However, the gods appeared to be on my side, for in spite of my best efforts, and several telephone calls, no other job opportunities were forthcoming. I suspect that I would have been disappointed if I had received another offer, and I knew that if I did turn down the one I had I would despise myself for the rest of my life. But on this occasion the matter did not arise. So when Lucy rang me on Wednesday afternoon, I confirmed our previous arrangements for her to come to dinner the following evening.
‘Did Carol ask you about last weekend.’
‘Not really, we’ve not had much opportunity to talk together since I got back.’
‘So will you be telling her about the trial when we meet tomorrow night?’
I sighed.
‘I’m not sure.’
‘Nick, I want to make it clear that if you don’t tell Carol about the job offer tomorrow evening, then I will, so are you sure that you still want me to come to dinner?’
I could tell from the tone of her voice that she was serious. I thought for a moment before responding.
‘Yes please.’
‘Well done, I’ll see you tomorrow evening.’
I usually cleaned the flat and prepared a nice meal on Thursday as this was the one evening in the week when Carol came home at a reasonable time, and we could spend some time together. However, on this occasion I wanted to make it special, so when Lucy arrived, a few minutes before my sister, she found the flat looking tidy, the dinner cooking and the table laid.
‘I see that you are all set for this evening, Nick.’ she said, as she took off her coat.
‘I think so.’
‘Good, I have spoken to Randi who knows what is happening, but they are anxious to know your decision. So I said that either you or I would ring later this evening, if you have decided to go ahead. I’m afraid they won’t be prepared to wait any longer.’
‘Alright then.’
Carol arrived at that point and was pleased with my efforts and also glad to see Lucy once again. We were soon chatting together quite happily; the meal I’d prepared seemed to go well, and the wine helped to lighten the atmosphere. So we were midway through the meal before either Lucy or I raised our intended topic of conversation. By this time we’d already discussed my sister’s work, Lucy’s University course, and the news from our two families in East Anglia. It was now my turn to be the subject of discussion.
‘Have you had any luck with the job hunting this week, Nick?’ Carol asked.
Lucy gave me a ‘significant look’ and I knew that I wouldn’t be able to put things off any longer. I took a metaphorical deep breath and began to answer.
‘Actually, I have been offered a six-week trial in a reasonably paid job, but I’m not sure whether or not to accept it.’
‘That’s great news, but why wouldn’t you accept it?’ asked my sister, clearly intrigued by my answer.
I hesitated looking for the right words, so she came in with another question.
‘Surely, it would be a trial for both parties and so you could always leave at the end of the six weeks if you didn’t like it?’
‘Yes I know, but it is an unusual job and there are certain conditions associated with it. I’m not sure whether you’ll approve.’
‘As long as it’s legal, not threatening to your life or health, and pays you real money, I’ll approve,’ she said, smiling. ‘You’d better tell me all about it.’
It was too late for me to back out now. Over the next twenty minutes or so I told my sister about the previous weekend, and the subsequent job offer. Lucy contributed from time to time to add detail or confirm the truth of what I was saying. Then, to finish off, Lucy handed over several photographs that she’d taken of me dressed me as ‘Nicole’ and/or ‘Marilyn’.
Carol didn’t ‘freak’, as I’d been sure she would. She was certainly surprised, then amused, gradually turning to amazement when she saw the photographs, which she carefully scrutinised to make sure they were not forgeries done using Photoshop.
‘So you’re proposing to work as a barmaid for the next six weeks, Nick?’ she said, with particular emphasis on the second syllable of the word barmaid.
Her tone was surprised, but not incredulous or derisive.
‘If you do not object,’ I replied. ‘The pay is quite good and there will also be a share of the tips. So far it’s the only job that has been offered to me since I came to London.
She began to study the pictures once more.
‘I must say, you do look nice in these pictures. Do you think you would be able to carry it off?’
‘I believe so, but that is why they are giving me a trial rather than offering me a job.’
‘Yes, I suppose so.’
‘But there is a catch,’ I said.
She looked up.
‘Go on!’
‘Apparently I looked pretty good last Saturday evening but lacked the necessary experience in how to walk, talk and present myself as a convincing woman. Therefore, one of the conditions of the job offer is that I’d have to need gain as much practice as possible in order to improve. They intend to provide me with false boobs, hair extensions and long finger nails for the duration of the trial. So no matter what I choose to wear when I’m not working during that period, I’m going to end up looking like a girl.’
‘I guess so. But whatever would Mum say if she were to see you dressed like that?’ asked Carol.
‘I don’t know.’
‘Me neither,’ she said sounding anxious. ‘She would be bound to blame me.’
‘But it would be my decision.’
‘Perhaps, but she still regards me as being responsible for your welfare.’
‘I don’t think it is likely that she will be planning to visit us in the next few weeks, especially if I tell her that I have found a job requiring me to work at weekends. I doubt if we’ll see her now until Christmas, by which time my trial will be over.’
‘I’m not pressing you for any rent on your room,’ said Carol.
‘I realise that, but I have been looking seriously for work over the last four weeks and this is the only job that I’ve been offered. I’d like to give it a try’
My sister turned towards my cousin
‘What do you think, Lucy?’
‘I think that Nick made a very attractive looking young woman over the weekend, both during the competition and afterwards on Sunday. However, they did have a point regarding his presentation; he does need more practice before he would be truly convincing. Yet, at the same time ‘Nicole’ and I went out together to Covent Garden on Sunday afternoon, and I don’t think anyone we met realised that she wasn’t a girl.’
‘Is that what you found, Nick?’ asked Carol.
‘Yes, and to be honest, I really enjoyed myself.’
‘So if Nick wants to take up the offer and become ‘Nicole’ for six weeks, I can’t see that there’s a problem,’ continued Lucy. ‘The only issue will be finding some suitable clothes for her to wear when she isn’t at work. To that end I’d be happy to loan her the dress and shoes that she wore last weekend.’
‘Is that what you want to do Nick?’ Carol asked, looking seriously at me.
There was no point my denying it; she now knew all the details.
‘Yes I think so,’ I answered, blushing, ‘at least to see how I get on for the duration of the trial.’
Carol hesitated for a moment before making up her mind.
‘Alright then, if you’re sure that is what you want to do.
‘Yes it is.’
‘I expect I’ll be able to find you some of my clothes for you to wear as well.’
‘Thank you, both of you. But what about Mum?’ I asked
‘I think you’re right; we are unlikely to see her for a few weeks so she needn’t know what is happening, for the time being at least. Lucy, I assume that you will not be mentioning any of this to your parents.’
‘No; of course not.’
‘Good. I’d prefer it that way.’
There followed a period of silence as we all attempted to take stock of what had just been agreed. To be honest, I was in a state of shock. Eventually my sister broke the silence.
‘By the way, Nick, what will I be expected to call you when you have long hair and boobs?
‘So far Lucy has been referring to me as Nicky or Nicole,’ I replied.
Carol sighed.
‘‘Nicky’ is too like ’Nick’, I think it might give me the creeps, and Nicole will be a bit of a mouthful all of the time. Also there is always a danger that I might forget myself when talking on the phone to Mum. If you are going to be a girl for the next six weeks, I think you should find yourself an entirely different name.’
I hadn’t been expecting this, but I suppose it wasn’t much to ask.
‘What do you suggest?’ I asked.
‘How about Rebecca?’ suggested Lucy.
‘As long as I can call you Becky,’ said my sister.
‘That would be ok by me,’ I replied.
‘In that case when do I get to meet ’Becky’?’ she asked.
‘I have to let them know whether I’m interested in the trial or not straight away. I think that they will probably expect me to start work on Monday evening,’ I replied.
‘In that case, Becky, why don’t you go for it?’
So that was it! That was how Becky came to life in October 2009. It all proved to be so much easier than I’d imagined. The building we were occupying didn’t come tumbling down and I wasn’t struck by a thunderbolt after I told my sister. The main thing was that she wouldn’t be telling Mum; indeed she seemed just as anxious as I was to prevent Mum from finding out too many details about my new job. After a minute or two during which I recovered from the shock of hearing my sister agree that I might take part in the trial, I excused myself to go to my bedroom and make that telephone call to Randi to confirm my acceptance of their offer. I realised that it would also provide Carol and Lucy the opportunity to discuss the matter in more detail when I wasn’t present.
‘Hi Randi, it is Nick, from last weekend. I’m ringing to confirm that I should like to take you up on your offer of a six weeks trial.’
‘I’m so pleased to hear it, I’m sure that with a little polish you’ll make a lovely young woman, Nicole.’
He or she (I wasn’t sure which over the phone) put particular stress on the final word.
‘Actually, my sister has requested that I should adopt another name when I’m working to avoid confusion with Nick. Lucy suggests that I should become ‘Becky’.’
‘Alright, Becky will be fine, in fact it quite suits you, my dear.’
‘So what will be the arrangements for me starting work next week?’
‘Can you come in to the club at 9.00 a.m. tomorrow?’
‘I suppose so,’ I replied, a little surprised that things would be moving quite so quickly.
‘The club has an arrangement with a nearby beauty salon to look after the needs of our employees, so the assistants there are quite used to transforming young men into glamorous female cabaret performers.’
‘Oh, I see.’
‘Jack has made a provisional booking for you to undergo your transformation. That way you’ll have the weekend to get used to your new ‘embellishments,’ before you start work on Monday.’
’They must have been fairly confident that I was going to accept the job,’ I thought.
‘Exactly what sort of ‘embellishments’ do you have in mind?’
‘Oh just the usual; some false boobs, hair and nail extensions and attention to one or two other minor details such as your eyebrows and lashes. There will be nothing too drastic or which requires surgery, I promise.’
‘What would you like me to wear tomorrow?’
‘That’s up to you Becky, whatever feels most comfortable. We’ll be providing you with the clothes and shoes you wear whilst you are working at the club, but the rest is up to you. Remember though, that one of the objects of the whole exercise is for you to get used to dressing and acting as a woman as quickly as possible.’
‘As it is such short notice I’ll probably have to wear jeans and a tee shirt tomorrow, but both Lucy and my sister have promised to loan me some of their things so I should be able to get in some practice over the weekend.
‘Good! In that case we’ll provide you with everything you will need to wear for work including some underclothes, so you’ll at least have something suitable when you go home from the salon tomorrow night. After that it will be up to you.’
‘Yes, I understand.’
‘See you tomorrow morning then.’
‘I’m looking forward to it.’
'Good, I think you will do well.'
Now that I’d at last told my sister, and spoken to Randi I was feeling really pleased with myself. It was the opportunity I’d been waiting for, for as long as I could remember. I waited for a few moments in my room, trying to calm my nerves before returning to my sister and my cousin.
‘So that’s confirmed, Carol, you’re going to be living with Becky rather than Nick for the next six weeks starting from tomorrow evening.’
‘Alright, as long as the news doesn’t reach East Anglia,’ she replied.
‘Agreed.’
‘I think we should have a toast to Becky, and her new career,’ said Lucy, raising her wine glass.
I noticed Carol flinch for a moment at the word ‘career,’ but then joined in.
‘To Becky and her new job.’
I drank the remainder of my glass wondering what I’d let myself in for, but feeling excited at the prospect all the same.
As I was seeing Lucy to the door, she asked me about the arrangements for the following day. I told her of my appointment at the salon.
‘I know that place; it isn’t too far from my University Library. Why don’t you send me a text message when you are nearly finished in there and we can perhaps meet up and have a coffee together in the Student’s Union.’
‘Alright, I should like that. Thank you for all you help and moral support over the last week.’
‘It’s been my pleasure, Becky,’ she said smiling.
‘No, it’s still Nick this evening, but it will be Becky when we next meet and for the next six weeks.’
‘I’m quite looking forward to meeting her,’ she said, kissing me on the cheek and leaving.
’Me too!’ I thought to myself.
Carol was busy clearing the table after our meal when I returned.
‘Well Nick, I trust you know what you are doing,’ she said.
‘It is only a six-week trial, after all,’ I replied.
‘So you say,’ she said.
I didn’t take her up on that comment, but went to bed.
The following morning, Carol and I were both up at seven and just had time for a hurried breakfast together before we went our separate ways.
‘What time are you due at your new work?’ she asked.
‘Nine o’clock this morning and I’ll have an appointment at a salon soon afterwards.’
‘So you are planning to go ahead with this trial.’
Having got this far and overcome the turmoil of telling my sister, there was no way that I was ever going to back out now.
‘Yes, I guess so. In any event, I am now committed to do so,’ I replied.
I was half expecting her to make some further response, perhaps trying to persuade me to change my mind, but none was forthcoming. I therefore continued with the conversation.
‘It will be nice to have a job and something to do in the evenings when you are out with your friends. Also it will be good to earn my own money rather than relying on you and Mum all the time.’
‘Alright, if that is what you want to do.’
So she wasn’t trying to persuade me to change my mind so much as providing me with a way out if I’d wanted one.
‘Yes I think so,’ I replied.
‘So I shall be meeting ‘Becky’ when I get back from work this evening.’
‘Yes I guess so.’
‘I should be home by about 9.30 to meet my new sister and hear how she got on today. By the way, what will you be wearing?’
’The club has promised to provide me with one outfit of clothes to wear to and from work each day.’
‘Will that include an outdoor coat?’
‘I don’t know. I borrowed one of Lucy’s jackets last weekend.’
‘You’re going to need something, as it is beginning to get cold. You may take my black coat from the rack for today, if you like. I’ll also try and find you some of my clothes for you to wear when I come home tonight.’
‘Thanks, Carol, for everything. I’ll see you later.’
Carol was not exactly glamorous in terms of her chosen dress and make-up but she was good looking and had good taste in clothes appropriate to her position. It went without saying that any clothes that she passed on to me would be of good quality and not particularly well-worn, although more designed for someone in their thirties rather than eighteen year old.
I must have made a slightly odd spectacle as I made my way through the morning rush hour. I was dressed as a fairly non-descript sort of guy, in jeans, t-shirt and trainers, but at the same time was wearing a woman’s overcoat. I received a few puzzled looks, but no one said anything and I was too concerned with my own feelings of both trepidation and excitement to worry about what they might be thinking. I knew that when I came back it would be as someone very different, and my sister’s coat would no longer seem out of place.
Jack and Randi (this time in his male incarnation) were waiting for me at the club when I arrived.
‘I understand that we are going to be calling you Becky, in future,’ said Jack.
‘Yes, it was my sister’s idea, she said that she would find it easier to refer to me as someone else rather than Nicki.’
‘That will be alright as we don’t already have a ‘Becky’ on the staff. Do I take it that your sister is now quite happy with the idea of having you working as a barmaid?’
‘I suppose so; for the next six weeks, at least,’ I replied.
‘Good. After that we’ll all have to judge how things have worked out; but I’m pleased that you’ve decided to join us, Becky,’ he said smiling. This time I got the impression that he really meant it.
‘Thanks; I’m sorry that I had to turn up in jeans and a tee shirt this morning, but it was rather short notice,’ I explained.
‘That’s all right, but once you begin your duties on Monday evening we’ll be expecting to have you arrive here as a young woman. The limited dressing room space we do have is reserved for the performers.’
‘I understand.’
Jack left us to make a phone call so Randi showed me to a locker in a back room, and gave me a key. Inside, there were a couple of plastic carrier bags containing items of clothing, and also a pair of shoes.
‘You’ll find your uniform and everything you’re going to need for work in there including some underclothes. I got your size from Lucy.‘
‘Thanks; would you like me to get changed now?’ I asked.
‘No you may as well stay as you are until you are at the salon, so they can start with a blank canvas. I suggest that you take your new clothes with you when you go.’
I nodded.
‘Those heels look rather high though,’ I commented as I examined the contents.
‘They are four inches and will make your legs look more attractive. Don’t worry you’ll soon get used to wearing them at work and you can always leave them in your locker if you would rather not travel in to work in them, but in that case you will have to provide another pair of shoes for yourself.’
‘I’ll see how I get on wearing them over the weekend before I decide.’
‘There is one thing that neither Lucy nor the girls at the salon will be able to help you with. Would you like me to show you how to tuck everything neatly away out of sight without any give-away bulges down below?’
‘Does it hurt?’
‘No, not at all. It is just a technique that female impersonators use to put their testes back. It may feel a little strange at first but after a while it will become second nature.’
‘As long as it doesn’t do me any long term damage.’
‘Don’t worry it is quite a natural procedure. Come through to my dressing room and take off your trousers and pants.’
I did as I was instructed.
‘First of all, your penis needs to be at rest for this procedure. If it is even slightly aroused, take a small wooden spatula and give the tip a light tap. You will find it quickly becomes dormant.’
Again, I followed the instructions.
‘Now gently push each testicle up into your body cavity. It will be a little awkward to do at first, but you’ll soon get the hang of it. With a little practice you will be able to do this for yourself every morning. Once you have done, so fold back you penis between your legs and then you can hold everything in place with a gaff.’
‘What’s a gaff?’
‘It is one of these,’ she said handing me an elasticated garment. The club has provided you with two; one to wear and one to have in the wash, but if necessary you can also do the same with a pair of elasticated knickers, or even the tops of a couple of pair of tights, if necessary.’ Randi continued.
I put it on and there was no trace of any bulge. I felt a little trussed up but nothing I couldn’t cope with.
‘Now get used to wearing one all the time whilst you are working, that way you will be able to wear tight skirts without any danger of giving yourself away.’
‘What if I need to go to the lavatory?’ I asked.
‘You must get in the habit of always sitting down for a pee; nothing will give you away faster that if the woman in the next cubicle becomes aware that you are standing up or your feet are facing in the wrong direction. Also take your time when you visit the toilet. Use any trip as an opportunity to check on your hair and make-up and make any necessary repairs.’
We re-emerged from Randi’s dressing room and Jack was waiting for us.
‘Just showing our new recruit a few basic techniques,’ said Randi.
‘Alright then, Becky, I’ve checked with Sarah at the salon and she is ready to begin your transformation.’
‘So this is it,’ I thought.
’Alright, I guess I’m ready to be transformed,’ I replied with a smile.
Ten minutes later Jack and I arrived at the salon a few streets away from the club just as it was opening for business at 9.30am. Inside, an attractive woman in her mid-twenties was talking to a receptionist.
‘Good morning Jack; so who is it that you’ve brought to us today?’ she asked.
‘Hi Sarah,’ he said giving her a friendly kiss. ‘This is Becky who will shortly begin a six week trial at the club. I want you to do everything you can to make her look gorgeous,’ he said.
It felt odd to be referred to as a girl in this way, but also quite nice.
‘That shouldn’t be too much of a problem, by the looks of things; you and Randi certainly have a knack for finding attractive young people for us to transform,’ she answered.
She then turned to address me.
‘Hi Becky, I’m Sarah; I’ll be looking after you today,’ she said without a trace of surprise or mockery.
‘I’ll leave our new recruit in your capable hands,’ Jack said to Sarah, and then he turned to me.
‘It will be up to you, but I suggest you use this opportunity go along with whatever Sarah recommends, after all, she’s the expert.’
‘Alright then,’ I replied.
‘I’ll pop in towards the end of the afternoon to see how you’re getting on.’
He then left the pair of us.
‘You’re booked in for the whole day, and I’ve instructions to do whatever we consider to be necessary to turn you into a convincing young lady. I’ll be able to give you plenty of advice, but of course I’ll want to know you own views as well.’
‘I have very little experience upon which to base any opinions. It was only a week ago that I first dressed as a woman.’
‘In that case you’ll probably have to rely on my judgment on this occasion but, don’t worry, you’ll soon discover for yourself what looks and feels right for you.’
She led me upstairs to a room that was separate from their main salon and looked like a cross between a theatrical dressing room and a treatment cubicle in a clinic. At one end there was a swivel chair in front of a large mirror with hairdressing equipment. At the other end there was a hospital trolley, covered with a thin mattress and a white sheet.
‘We use this room rather than the main salon when our clients require a certain amount of discretion. It will give us the opportunity to discuss what we are doing.’
‘I see,’
‘You can hang up your coat on the rack by the door, and I’d like you to undress as far as your underclothes. I’ll be back in to see you in a few minutes.’
When she returned she was carrying a wrap-around dressing gown and a pair of disposable slippers for me to wear. I was wearing only in the gaff and feeling decidedly vulnerable. She didn’t bat an eyelid.
‘Don’t worry, I promise that before we’re finished with you this afternoon we’ll have you looking like a glamorous young lady.’
‘Thanks; I’m looking forward to it,’ I admitted.
‘But before you put on any clothes, I need to measure you for your breast forms.
‘Please go ahead.’
She took several measurements of my chest and also compared my skin colour with a chart.
‘I suggest a 36C. You’ll want some respectably-sized boobs, without getting too carried away in the first instance. After all you will be working in them.’
‘Go ahead, you’re the boss,’ I replied.
‘Alright, but I want this to be a collaborative effort. You will need to take responsibility for the way you look.’
‘In that case 36C sounds fine to me.’
She left me for a few minutes to place an order with her supplier.
‘Your boobs should be delivered by lunch time, and I’ll show you how to put them on and look after them,’ she said on her return a few minutes later. ‘Now, I’d just like to inspect the rest of your body.’
‘Go ahead.’
‘Hmm, you’re quite fortunate, Becky; you’ve a slender neck and there’s no trace of any Adam’s apple or beard growth on your face,’ she continued running her hand across my chin. ‘That is one of the main problem areas encountered by female impersonators.
‘My cousin did a pretty thorough job with depilatory cream on my arms and legs only a week ago, and I don’t need to shave more than once a week as a rule.’
‘Depilatory cream is only good for four or five days. I suggest we give you a cold wax treatment, which should remove the hair from the roots and probably be good for the six-week trial.’
‘Won’t it be painful or make my skin sore?’ I asked.
’Just a little, to begin with, but it is well worth the discomfort. Waxing will save you from having to use depilatory cream on your legs and arms each week and shaving your face and neck every other day.’
‘You’re the expert,’ I replied.
She wasn’t joking. It was quite painful as she spread the strips of wax on my legs and arms with a wooden spatula and then quickly pulled them off after it had set. However, she worked quickly and the pain was never long lasting. My armpits were the most sensitive area, and I was glad when she was finished. However, I could also see from the pieces of wax that she pulled off that it was working.
‘I’ll now do your chin, sideburns, back of the neck and moustache areas as well, although I must admit there is not much sign of growth there.’
These were all quickly and expertly done.
‘Would you like me to do you eyebrows as well whilst I am at it?’
‘If you do so, they will grow back after a while, won’t they?’ I queried, thinking about what my mother might say when I next saw her.
‘Don’t worry I won’t do anything that has a permanent effect on your appearance.’
‘Alright then, after all Jack suggested that I followed your advice.’
‘This will be one of your grooming tasks in future, to de-fuzz your arms, legs and chin every four weeks or so using a home wax kit. Of course, if you’re going to do this work professionally then you might think about electrolysis which would solve the problem permanently.’
‘I’ll bear it in mind but I don’t think I’m ready to go that far at present’.
Yet that comment did plant the smallest question in my mind as to exactly how far I was prepared to go?
Once the waxing was over I was at last able to put on the dressing gown and slippers and I felt much less self-conscious.
‘Whilst we are waiting for your boobs to arrive we can begin work on your hair, your hands and finger nails. After lunch we’ll give your face a full makeover.
‘Alright then.’
‘And don’t look so nervous, Becky. Now we have finished the waxing, the worst is over. I hope that you will find that the rest of today will be a largely pleasurable experience.’
‘I hope so.’
She began to examine my hair, which was reasonably long and thick for a guy.
‘So what are we going to do about your hair?’ she asked.
‘I’ve never had long hair, but have often wondered what it would be like. However, I’d also like any style to be fairly straightforward to manage,’ I suggested.
Sarah looked at me thoughtfully.
‘Yes, I think that long straight hair will suit you, but before I put in the extensions would you mind if I colour it first?’
‘Do you think it would look better in a different colour?’
‘With your skin colouring I should like to darken the brown a few shades.’
’Oh well, if I’m in for a penny, I’m in for a pound!’ I thought.
‘Alright then,’ I replied.
Before she started to wash and colour my hair, she gave my existing hair a neat but attractive style. Once the dye had taken effect she combed my hair up and held it in place with some grips and began to make a number of tight braids which she sewed to together and to the hair roots to create three parallel tracks round the sides and back of my head.
‘We do this whilst your hair is still damp, so that when it dries they will be nice and tight. You may find them a little uncomfortable at first but you’ll soon get used to them. Within a day or two you will have forgotten they are there.’
‘How long will the extensions be expected to stay in place?’
‘I will be doing a thorough job and so they will probably be alright for the duration of your six week trial. After that you will need to come back to have them sewn in again or else taken out.’
‘What if I need to take them out in the meanwhile?’
‘You won’t be able to do so without a good deal of trouble, so I’d advise you to get used to having them in and learn how to look after your new hair.’
‘I’ll do my best, but as I said, I don’t have any experience of coping with long hair, and I’ve no idea what it will be like with extensions. So far I’ve only ever worn a wig styled for me by my cousin.’
‘So that is why you should make the best of this trial period.’
By this time she had finished braiding the tracks and sewing them to my scalp.
‘We’ll stop for a coffee then I’ll make a start in attaching the hair pieces. By the time I’m finished you will not be able to see that you are wearing extensions rather than your natural hair.’
During our coffee break, Sarah changed the subject.
‘So, Becky, how do you feel about joining the female gender for a while?’ she asked, as if it were the most natural opening to any conversation.
‘I’m not sure really: it is a mixture of feelings.’
‘You are going to an awful lot of trouble and putting the club to a lot of expense if you are not sure about what you are doing,’ she commented.
‘I really enjoyed entering the competition, but in some ways this is taking things to a different level, I commented, then added as an afterthought, ‘at least for the next few weeks.’
‘I don’t think Jack would be spending all this money if he really thought it was only going to be for a few weeks,’ she said.
‘We’ll see.’
‘So what made you decide to enter the competition?’
‘Ever since I was a child I’ve wondered what it would be like to dress as a girl, but I’d never dared to do anything about it before last weekend. It was Randi who suggested that I should enter, and loaned me a costume.’
‘Randi seems to have a knack of peering into people’s souls,’ she commented.
‘Yes maybe you are right.’
‘So how would you feel if they were to offer you a longer term job, as Becky?’
I knew the answer in my own mind but I didn’t want to tempt fate by saying it out loud.
‘I’ll have to see how I get on during the trial before making any commitments.‘
‘Well you certainly have the right looks and we’ll help you in any way we can. So let us now go back and make a start on sewing those extensions.’
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In ancient times, when the box owned by the beautiful Pandora, the first mortal woman, was opened all the troubles of the world flew out and could never be put back. So what will happen when a trunk with the name 'Pandora Wilkins' Pandora’s Trunk
Chapter 8 Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
After coffee, I resumed my seat and watched as Sarah began to sew a series of matching coloured lengths of human hair, attached to a cord, to each of the tracks. Once they were secured, the grips were released and my own hair fell back into place covering any sign of the tracks. It was as if I had a natural head of hair to well below my shoulders.
‘Do you have any views as to how I should style it, Becky?’
‘Not really, I’ll have to rely upon your advice to begin with.’
‘I think that we should keep the style fairly simple and parted slightly to the right in first instance. You’ll have plenty to get used to over the next few weeks as it is. However, before you leave this afternoon we’ll show you a couple of techniques to put it up if you wish.’
‘What else will I need to do to look after it?’
‘As a girl you'll find that you will have to devote more time to looking after your appearance. You will need to tie it back when you go to sleep at night or it will become tangled, and you must keep your hair well-brushed each morning and evening and also probably once during the day. Also you must wash and condition it at least once a week.’
‘I suppose so.’
‘Now that I have finished styling it I’ll dampen it once again and show you how and to put it into rollers to give it a little more body.
Sarah was right, the tracks were a little uncomfortable to begin with, but they were not painful and any discomfort was more than offset by the pleasurable feeling of having long hair covering my ears and well below my shoulders.
Whilst we were waiting for my hair to dry Sarah applied a face pack, and also started to manicure my finger nails. She then added acrylic extensions to the tips and carefully shaped them. Finally she applied various chemicals to bond them to my own nails. I looked on with interest. By the time she was finished there was no sign of any join between my own nails and the new extensions.
‘What do I do if I need to take them off?’ I asked, as she began painting on a base coat of nail varnish.
‘We use a permanent acrylic bond so you won't be able to remove the extensions except by cutting them off with scissors, which will be a waste of time and effort,’ was the reply. ‘I’m afraid that, as with your hair extensions, you’ll just have to get used to them for the next few weeks. But on the other hand you’ll find they are quite strong and so they’re unlikely to break.’
‘I was just wondering how I will be able to operate my computer keyboard at home, or, for that matter, do up the buttons of my clothes with them?’
‘Other girls manage to do those things with long finger nails,’ she replied in a matter of fact way.
I was pleased that the phrase ‘other girls’ seemed to come quite naturally to her.
‘I suppose there is no going back now,’ I responded.
‘Most certainly not and once you see how you look this afternoon, you won’t want to,’ she replied.
The new breast forms arrived by courier shortly after half past twelve, just as Sarah was giving my new fingernails a second coat of nail varnish. They were made of silicone and covered with a substance that closely resembled natural skin, and so were far more realistic than the latex ones that I’d previously borrowed. In fact they looked and felt exactly like the real thing.
‘We could stop for some lunch now, if you wish, but I was wondering whether you would like me to put them on straight away so that we could go out for a coffee and a sandwich together?’ asked Sarah.
‘That would be nice,’ I replied.
‘In that case please take off your dressing gown and lie down on the trolley for me.’
She held each form in its place and marked its outline with a felt-tip pen on my chest. She then stuck several strips of Velcro to each side, inside the outline.
‘These will take the weight of the breasts, but we’ll also use superglue around the edges, so they will be a little painful when you come to remove them. You must always use a solvent on the glue first, then give the Velcro strips a good soaking in the bath for at least fifteen minutes before you try and take them off. However, your breasts should be alright to stay in place for at least a week.’
‘What about when I take a shower?’
‘You may leave them in place, that way the Velcro will stay dry. You will however need to take them off for a while when you are not working to give your skin a chance to recover. We’ll supply you with some adhesive and solvent to take home with you.’
‘Are they expensive?’ I asked.
‘Yes, these are top of the range, but don’t worry, the club will pay for them.’
‘I hope they think that their investment will have been worthwhile.’
‘Well that will be up to you to prove, young lady.’
Once the strips were in place, Sarah spread a clear adhesive around the edges of each breast and also on my chest just inside each outline that she’d drawn. After leaving it to cure for a minute she carefully placed the first form and stuck it down holding it in place for a few seconds before asking me to take over whilst she smoothed down the edges and removed any trace of the adhesive. She then repeated the process with the other. Afterwards she carefully went over the joins with a sponge dipped in a flesh coloured make-up. By the time she had finished this task, it was extremely difficult for anyone to tell that the breasts were not genuine.
‘Alright Becky, they should be stuck fairly securely by now so you can sit up and let them go.’
I did so and felt my two new breasts flop down, pulling my own skin with them. I got up from the trolley and went over to look at myself in the mirror. They now seemed to be larger and felt a little heavier than those that I’d used previously but looked much better and appeared to move quite naturally.
‘How do they feel?’ she asked.
‘A little odd; it’s as if they have a life of their own, and they seem to have grown a size larger, now that they are in place,’ I answered.
She smiled at my description.
‘They won’t seem to be quite so large or uncontrollable when you’re wearing a bra. It will stop them bouncing around too much, but you will always feel some movement, which is quite natural. The additional weight will tend to pull your own skin into place to create the impression of a natural cleavage, which you can enhance by careful use of make-up. You should therefore be able to wear low cut dresses and tops without it being apparent that they are falsies. You will also find the different weight distribution will slightly alter the way you stand and walk.’
‘Are you sure there's no danger of them coming unstuck?’
‘No; they're sufficiently securely fixed to enable you to go topless if you want,’ answered Sarah. ‘But I’d avoid spending too much time without a bra, otherwise they will tend to stretch your own skin. If you ever plan to become a woman full-time you might do better to consider having silicone implants.’
‘No I’m not planning to do anything that cannot be undone’ I said, picking up my new bra, which now I found a little difficult to put on with my new longer nails.
Sarah helped me to put it on and adjust it to fit my new shape.
‘Don’t worry, you’ll soon get the hang of having longer nails.
The breasts did resume a more normal size once they were held in place by my bra.
‘So it definitely looks as if there will be no turning back now,’ I thought to myself as I examined my new shape in the mirror. ‘It really is going to be Becky for the next few weeks.’
Sarah must have read my thoughts.
‘Those breasts do look good on you and will make you feel more like a woman,’ she commented.
‘Good!’ I replied, smiling.
‘You can now put on the rest of the clothes that you brought with you and we can go out and get something to eat.’
By 2.00pm I had two realistic looking breasts, natural-looking long hair, and long elegant and exquisitely polished fingernails. I was wearing the clothes provided for me by the club, which would in future be my working clothes. They consisted of a pencil line skirt, with a vent up the side which showed off my thighs, and a plain pink blouse. The high-heels would take a little getting used to, but Randi was right, they showed off my legs nicely. Overall the outfit looked smart and stylish and would not look out of place outside the work setting. Despite the minor discomforts I was beginning to feel good about myself and the way I looked.
‘Will I need to put on any make-up if we're going out?’ I said as I examined myself in the mirror.
Sarah smiled.
‘We're only going to a café nearby for a coffee and a sandwich, but I’m pleased that you are beginning to think like a girl. I’ll just pop some lipstick and mascara on you for now, but we’ll show you how do the job properly this afternoon.’
I was glad that she did do so, as I later noticed a slight lipstick stain on my coffee cup, as I’d sometimes noticed with my mother or my sister. That realization gave me a small frisson of pleasure.
I’d noticed during the previous weekend with my cousin that, dressed as a girl I could chat unselfconsciously with other girls in a way that I’d never been able to do before. Thus we were soon gossiping together about our respective backgrounds, and I was beginning to feel at ease in my new role. At one point she mentioned her boyfriend, and so I naturally asked for more details as to how long they had been together and whether it was serious or not. She answered all my questions and then redirected them to me.
‘How about you, do you have a boyfriend Becky?’
For a moment I was slightly taken aback by her assumption that I would have a boyfriend, but then I remembered the last glimpse of myself in the mirror before we came out and realised that, looking the way I now did, I was unlikely to be in a relationship with a girl.
‘No, not as yet; life is a bit too complicated as it is,’ I replied.
‘So you’ve at least considered the possibility then?’ she said.
I blushed slightly, but then decided that I might just as well tell the truth.
‘Yes, I have thought about it, but, to be honest, I’m not sure about my sexual orientation or gender identity, so for the time being I’m happy to wait and see what happens,’ I replied.
‘Well you certainly now look like a girl and it's surprising how many guys are turned on by female impersonators.’
‘Maybe, but I think I’d prefer someone who liked me as a person, rather than as a representative of a category,’ I replied.
‘You’re right, but don’t be surprised if you start to receive offers when you are working. We’ve had several of your colleagues as our customers over the last few months, but I believe that you make the best looking young woman,’ said Sarah.
‘Thanks for the compliment,’ I said, ‘but it isn’t just a question of what I look like. Jack and Randi want me to be able to act and sound as convincing as possible.’
‘I know, and your looks are only half the battle. By the time we’ve finished this afternoon you will look convincing enough for anyone, but you will also need to look closely at the way women, walk, climb stairs, sit in a chair.’
‘Yes, I know.’
‘Your voice isn’t too bad at present, but there are various exercises you can do to make it sound more feminine without going over the top. But you will need to pay attention as to how women talk and interact with one another.’
‘There seems so much for me to learn.’
‘Don’t worry; much of it will come naturally after a while.’
‘I hope so.’
‘For the time being, make sure that you keep your knees together, and try to wear tight skirts whenever you can. Also look carefully at the way girls use their hands to express themselves when they are talking. Having the long hair and long finger nails will also help you in that respect.’
'Thanks,'
‘But tell me, Becky, are you doing this just for the club or for yourself as well?’
This was another question that I’d been thinking about. Given everything she knew about me there seemed to be no point in not telling them the truth.
‘I wouldn’t have let things go as far as they have unless I wanted them to,’ I replied.
‘Yes, I thought so.’
‘There are a couple more things I need to do before I hand you over to my colleague, Cheryl, who will give you a makeover,’ said Sarah, when we returned from our short break.
‘What do you have in mind?’ I asked.
‘We need to pierce your ears and do something about your eyelashes.’
‘Do I need to have pierced ears? My long hair will cover any earrings?’
‘True, but there will be times when you’ll want to wear your hair up, and earrings will be essential. In any event, how many girls of your age do you know who don’t have pierced ears?’
‘None, I guess.’
I didn’t like to say that actually I knew very few girls of my own age.
‘Exactly,’ responded Sarah. ‘Jack has provided you with a set of dangling earrings and a pair of studs and so I assume you will be having two piercings on each ear lobe.’
‘I trust the holes will eventually close up,’ I said.
‘Of course they will, if you choose to let them do so,’ she replied.
I sighed and decided to let her get on with her work, feeling that they she was the expert, after all. Once again there was a little discomfort, but she clearly knew what she was doing.
‘Now that they are in place, you should leave them alone for at least a week. I’m afraid your ears will be a little sore to begin with, but as with everything else, you’ll soon get used to them.’
‘Along with all the other minor discomforts today,’ I commented ruefully. ‘I thought that the rest of today was going to be a pleasurable experience.’
‘Remember that you are a late starter as a girl, Becky, so you have a certain amount of catching up to do. If we get the basics done today, you’ll be able to enjoy being a girl for the next six weeks.
‘I hope you are right.’
‘In any event, other girls have to go through a certain amount of discomfort, in order to look their best, so why shouldn’t you?’
I didn’t respond, so she changed the subject.
‘How would you feel about eyelash extensions?’ she asked.
This was something that I’d never thought about, even during my various nighttime fantasies.
‘Isn’t that going just a bit too far?’ I asked.
She seemed surprised by my suggestion.
‘Not if you want to have attractive feminine looking eyes. If we attach them today they should last four to six weeks before your eyelashes fall out naturally. It will just about coincide with the duration of your trial.’
‘I'm anxious about what my sister will say when she sees me later tonight,’ I replied.
‘I expect she’ll be pleased to have such an attractive sister.’ It will also save you having to wear so much mascara. But of course it is up to you to decide.’
‘Alright then. I’ve come this far, I might as well go the final mile.’
‘Good girl, now just lie back, keep still, and leave it all to me.’
At least they will all have fallen out before my mother sees me again, I thought.
I’ve no idea as to exactly what went on with my eyelashes over the next half hour as both my lower lashes and upper lid were covered by collagen patches and I had to keep my eyes closed whilst Sarah attached the individual artificial lashes to my own and then carefully separated them. The whole process seemed quite fiddly: not the sort of thing that I could ever do on my own. Eventually she stood back to admire her handiwork.
‘That’s much better’ she announced and removed the collagen patches.
I was suddenly very conscious of my eyelashes.
‘Will they always make me blink like this?’
‘Don’t worry, as with everything else, once you get used to them, they’ll feel quite natural.’
At three o’clock I was introduced to Cheryl, a young woman of about my own age who was going to be responsible for my make-up.
‘Hi Becky. We could go down to the salon but I would then have to treat you like any other of our customers. In some respects it might be better for me to continue to treat you separately for today as there are a number of points which we’ll want to discuss.’
‘As I have virtually no experience using cosmetics and have a lot to learn so I will be happy to be treated separately today.’
Over the next hour Cheryl carefully explained to me what she was doing and why. She pointed out what she regarded as my good features, which ought to be accentuated - such as my cheekbones and slender neck. Other points, such as my lips, would need to be softened and my eyes highlighted by careful use of make-up. She also told me what shades and finishes best suited my skin tone and hair colour, and what I would need to do to look after my skin. Jack had agreed for me to be provided with some basic cosmetics and skin care products, so once they were used on me, they were placed in a make-up bag for me to take away with me at the end of the day. For as long as I could remember I’d been fascinated by the way that women use cosmetics to transform themselves, and was really looking forward to the opportunity to practice on myself in future. But for time being I was equally happy to leave myself in the capable hands of an expert and to learn from her.
Cheryl worked carefully and so it was nearly four o’clock before I was at last permitted to stand back and inspect myself in a full-length mirror. I just cannot describe how lovely I looked or how good I now felt. It was as if I’d been taken straight back to that day that I’d watched my sister get ready for her school prom, only now it was me who would be going to the ball.
Cheryl called Sarah to come up and inspect their joint handiwork.
‘See, Becky, I told you that we’d have you looking lovelier than ever,’ she said to me, with a satisfied tone of voice.
‘I thought I looked good last week, but you’ve both done a brilliant job, thank you very much,’ I said.
‘So all the discomfort has been worth it?’
‘I guess so.’
‘… and no regrets about what we’ve done today.’
‘No, none at all, I now feel like a real woman, rather than a man wearing a dress.’
Soon afterwards Jack and Randi called in to inspect the results of their investment.
‘See, Jack, I told you she would turn out to be a stunner,’ said Randi.
‘I never doubted her looks,’ said Jack.
He then turned to me and said, ‘Well Becky, I’ve kept my part of the bargain, it is now up to you to demonstrate to us that you can present yourself as convincingly as you look.’
I shrugged my shoulders, and felt my boobs move in the process.
‘I’ll do the best I can.’
‘Good, we’ll see you at 6.00pm on Monday, when the bar manager will go through your duties with you, and in the meanwhile you can be getting used to your new identity.’
Before I left the salon, Sarah showed me how to pin up my hair at night, but it was going to take some practice, particularly as I also now had long fingernails, which sometimes got in the way. She made a list of the various cosmetics, beauty products and items of equipment that I would need to buy for myself in order to look after my hair, skin, and nails. She also gave me a few free samples that they put into my make-up bag.
‘I’m afraid you’ll find it is quite a time consuming and expensive business to look nice,’ she said.
‘So I see,’ I replied.
‘But, as the advert says, ‘you’re worth it!’’
![]() |
In ancient times, when the box owned by the beautiful Pandora, the first mortal woman, was opened all the troubles of the world flew out and could never be put back. So what will happen when a trunk with the name 'Pandora Wilkins' Pandora’s Trunk
Chapter 9 Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
It was nearly five o’clock when I eventually left the salon dressed in my new work clothes and my sister’s winter coat. I had with me two carrier bags: one contained Nick’s clothes and the other various items of cosmetics that I’d been given. Twenty minutes earlier I’d sent a text message to Lucy indicating that I’d soon be ready to meet her. Shortly afterwards I received a reply instructing me to make my way to the Students’ Union in Gordon Street, which was only a ten minute walk away from the salon, (or perhaps fifteen minutes as I now had to walk more carefully than usual in my high heels and tight skirt).
I entered the Union coffee bar and saw Lucy sitting at a table by herself reading a textbook. She didn’t notice me, and I was almost next to her before she acknowledged my presence.
‘Becky?’ she said with a note of genuine surprise in her voice.
I smiled.
‘My goodness, they don’t go in for half measures, do they? They really have got you looking like a girly-girl.’
‘Is that intended to be a compliment or not?’ I asked, as I sat down, smoothing my skirt as I did so.
‘Oh yes, you look lovely, but they’ve changed you so much: your hair colour, your eyes, and those eyelashes,’ she said with mock emphasis on the last word.
‘They have rather gone to town on my appearance,’ I replied blushing slightly.
‘I’ll say. I feel totally overshadowed by my lovely young cousin. You’re far too glamorous for the Students’ Union. There’s a sandwich bar down road, let’s go there and you can tell me all about your day. However I won’t be able to stay for too long as I have an essay to finish.’
Lucy wanted to hear all the details and professed herself to be envious of the beauty treatment that I’d received and of my new ‘look’.
‘Thanks. I’m going to have to buy a few more underclothes in the next day or two, and in the longer term I I’ll probably need to get myself some other clothes, but Carol has promised to loan me some or hers so I’ll wait for a while before making any decisions,’ I said.
‘I’ll have to go back to the library now, Becky, but why not come to my flat tomorrow morning at 10.30. We can go shopping for some lingerie and I’ll also loan you that dress and the shoes that you wore last week.’
‘Alright then, thank you very much.’
It was six thirty and I knew that Carol wasn’t going to be home for three hours and so I needed to kill some time. I decided to risk doing some early evening shopping in Regent’s Street on my own. For the first time I was able to spend time examining female clothing without any feeling of embarrassment. I even considered trying on a couple of dresses but in the end decided against it. I wasn’t in a position to spend a lot of money before I’d received my first wages. I did, however, buy myself a few items that I was going to need to look after my hair, including a hair brush, some rollers and hair grips. I decided to leave any purchase of underwear until I went out with Lucy the following day.
At eight o’clock I realised that I was feeling quite hungry. I’d been too nervous to eat any breakfast that morning and had only had a sandwich at lunchtime, so decided to treat myself to something to eat in the Wendy’s burger bar in Upper Regent Street, partly to give my feet a rest. I was still feeling good about the way I looked, although conscious of receiving several glances from other diners. For a moment I wondered whether they could see through the disguise, but then realised that it was rather because I was so nicely dressed and made up. Before leaving for Willesden, I made my way to ‘the Ladies’ where I emptied my bladder and proceeded to refresh my lipstick. There were a couple of other girls using the mirror, but no-one paid any particular attention to me.
I approached Carol’s flat laden with my new possessions and make-up and feeling both tired and happy. I noticed a light on in the living room indicating that she was already at home, earlier than she’d intended.
‘Hi Carol,’ I said cheerfully as I let myself in the front door, put down my two bags in the hall and took off the coat.
My sister emerged from the kitchen, when she heard me come in. She took one look at me and went white. I’d quite forgotten that she’d yet to see me dressed as a girl.
‘Oh my God, Nick, whatever have they done to you? You look like a call girl.’
I was a little taken aback by her reaction, having been the recipient of an afternoon full of re-assurance and compliments about my appearance; but I managed to stand my ground.
‘It isn’t Nick; it is Becky now — at your request, if you remember. You knew perfectly that I was going to be dressed as a girl when I came home this evening.’
‘Yes, but you didn’t say that you would come home with dyed hair, smothered in make-up, and wearing a tight skirt and ‘Fuck-me’ shoes,’ she continued, angrily.
Suddenly I felt embarrassed and a little sorry that I’d allowed us all to get so carried away with my appearance during the afternoon. Carol had clearly never been to a drag club and had no idea what went on there. I should have broken it to her more gently.
‘And what have they done to your eyebrows? I sincerely hope you’ll be able to remove those false eyelashes tonight!’
Oh God! Whatever is she going to say when she notices my ear-piercings?’ I thought.
It was as if all of my feelings of self-confidence and well-being had evaporated in an instant; I just felt like a silly little boy who’d been caught playing with his mother’s make-up. I now felt ashamed of myself and my feelings. Yet at the same time, deep down, I knew that I’d wanted to do this for as long as I could remember. Now that the cat was out of the bag I was not going to let anyone spoil things for me.
‘No, actually Carol, they’re eyelash extensions. They’re stuck in place for the next three or four weeks, so we’ll both have to get used to them,’ I said with tears beginning to form in the corners of my eyes.
‘Whatever is Mum, going to say when she sees you?’
‘I thought we’d agreed that Mum is unlikely to see me before Christmas,’ I said trying to disguise the signs of my distress.
‘Don’t you realise that what you’ve done today is going to take a lot more than six weeks to put right again?’ she responded angrily. ‘I’m supposed to be responsible for you: what will she think if she sees you looking like that!’
Suddenly it was all too much for me to take, and I gave way to the mixture of pent up emotions.
‘Well I don’t care what you or she thinks, I’m an adult now, and for the first time in years I have felt really good about myself today. Now you’ve ruined it all,’ I said angrily, through my growing tears.
Carol looked quite taken aback by my reaction, as I don’t think we’d ever had a stand-up row before. I didn’t give her time to respond. I picked up my belongings and stomped off to my bedroom, slamming the door behind me and locking it. I spent the next ten minutes on my bed, quietly weeping, not just about the things that Carol had just said to me, but for all the unhappiness in my life of being a boy who so wanted to be a girl, but could never say so because he knew he wouldn’t be understood and accepted by those that he loved.
After fifteen minutes or so there was a gentle knocking on my bedroom door.
‘Are you alright in there … Nick?’
I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror and looked an absolute fright with disheveled hair, smeared eyes and blotchy cheeks. I felt so angry about what she’d said, but also ashamed of how I looked and felt and had reacted. At that moment I wouldn’t have known what to say to her.
‘Go away, I don’t want to talk to you, and in any event it is Becky, not Nick.’
After a little while the knocking ceased. If she’d only addressed me as Becky rather than as Nick I would have opened the door.
After a few more minutes of silence outside my door I heard her return to her room. I carefully undressed, removed all the make-up, put some moisturizing cream on my skin and brushed and tied up my hair. I’d been instructed to leave the earrings in place for the time being until the holes had settled down. For want of anything else to wear, I had to put on a pair of Nick’s pyjamas and again scrutinized myself in the dressing table mirror. In spite of my male clothing and lack of make-up, all I could now see in front of me was a young woman with puffy eyes. I smiled at my reflection, and the girl in the mirror smiled back. There was no way that I was now going to allow her to be banished from existence.
I went to bed and for an hour or more I lay there going through all of the events of the day and then the previous week, in my mind. Did I have any regrets? Absolutely not, in spite of what Carol might say or do in the morning. If she asked me to leave her flat or decided to tell Mum, then - so be it. I would just have to face the consequences. Eventually, after about an hour of lying in bed thinking about my situation, I fell asleep and dreamed about make-up and hair styles.
I must have been emotionally drained by the events of the last few days, and especially those of the previous night, as I found that I slept for much longer than normal on Saturday morning. It was nine-thirty when I awoke. Lucy was expecting me in an hour and it would take me half that time to reach her, if the buses were in my favour. There was no sound coming from the flat, and so after I’d been to the toilet, I peered into Carol’s room but there was no sign of her; she’d already got up and gone out. It would appear that last night’s spat had upset both of our sleeping routines for as a rule she would sleep in late at weekends and I would be the first up.
The first question to be answered was what I was going to wear for the day. I could have put on the skirt and blouse provided for me by the club once again, but I was going to need these on Monday for work and didn’t want to get them dirty. I’d been counting on wearing the clothes that Carol had promised to loan to me, but in the circumstances I would now have to forget about them. There was really no choice but for me to wear some of Nick’s clothes, at least until I got to Lucy’s place to change. She had a couple of items of lingerie that I’d bought the previous weekend, and also the dress and shoes that she’d promised to loan me, so at least I’d be able to change before we went out shopping together. I therefore went through Nick’s rather meagre wardrobe looking for the most androgynous top and jeans that I could find, together with some white socks and white trainers. I would, however, need to retain the bra that I’d been wearing the previous day, especially as Sarah had warned me about going bra-less with my new breast forms, but I would be able to buy myself a new one in time to wear to work on Monday.
I was dressed in Nick’s clothes, but it was Becky that peered back at me from the mirror. Not as glamorous as she’d been the previous day without the benefit of make-up and smart clothes, but it was Becky, none the less, with her dark brown long hair, girly eye lashes and breasts clearly visible under her t-shirt. This realisation at least gave me the confidence that I would be able to go out without everyone staring at me and thinking that I was some kind of freak. I toyed with the idea of putting on a little lipstick and eye shadow, but it had taken me enough time to deal with my hair and I was already running late. I therefore quickly sent Lucy a text message to warn her, put my make-up case into a shopping bag which I was using for the time being as a temporary handbag, and left for Lucy’s flat.
Nobody batted an eyelid or took a second look at me during my journey across North London. Even when I had to pop in to a local newsagent’s shop to top-up my ‘Oyster’ card the assistant addressed me as ‘Miss,’ without a moment’s hesitation.
‘Hi Becky! I was wondering what had happened to you, and why are you dressed like that?’ asked Lucy as she answered her door to me.
‘Sorry, but Carol totally freaked out when she saw me last night, and, so I wasn’t able to borrow anything else to wear from her today,’ I explained.
‘What do you mean by ‘freaked out?’’
‘She told me that I looked like a prostitute, and so I stomped off to my bedroom and refused to talk to her any more. I haven’t spoken to her since.’
I began to blush.
‘Did I really look like a prostitute last night?’ I asked.
‘No, of course not, you looked great. Maybe they did get a little carried away with your make-up and everything yesterday, but everyone does that to begin with; it’s all part of learning the game. I can remember my mother telling me off for exactly the same reason when I was sixteen and I’m sure that your mother would have done the same to Carol at some point.’
‘I’m not so sure, Carol was always fairly serious minded.’
‘So she would like you to think,’ said Lucy. ‘But why did she freak out when she already knew what you were planning to do?’
‘I think some of it was the shock on her part of seeing her little brother dressed as a girl and wearing make-up for the first time,’ I replied, beginning to smile.
Lucy chuckled.
‘She needn’t have been so rude to you, but I can see her point. Another time, I suggest you should stick with your own lashes, which were perfectly long and full enough. A few coats of mascara will work wonders if you want to dress up, and can be toned down at other times.’
‘I suppose that I have learned my first lesson in wearing make-up - not to get carried away.’
Lucy smiled.
‘Don’t worry, we’ve all made that mistake, but what do you think Carol will do now? Will she tell your mother?’ asked Lucy.
‘I doubt it. In fact that was one of her main worries last night - what will Mum say?’
‘So what do you intend to do now, Becky?’
I was so pleased that Lucy added that final word to her sentence, and didn’t say ‘Nick’ or just leave the comment open. I got the impression that she at least understood how I felt without it being spelled out and would be on my side, whatever I chose to do. It was the addition of that single word that gave me the confidence I needed.
‘I’m not going back to being a guy for the next six weeks. I’ve made a commitment, and I intend to keep to it. I suppose I’ll just have to try and talk to Carol once again this evening. I intend to do so dressed as Becky, although this time I’ll probably tone down the make-up a bit.’
‘Good for you, if that’s what you want, I’ll help you in any way I can. I was due to go out with Andy tonight, but if you like I’ll put him off and come with you to offer some moral support.’
‘No Lucy, that’s good of you to offer, but I need to face Carol on my own. However, I would be grateful to borrow your dress and shoes once again, if I may, so I have something suitable to wear when I see her. Also I’d appreciate it if we could go out to buy myself some more underclothes as originally planned.’
‘Yes, of course, but first of all let’s get you looking a little bit more like a real girl,’ she said smiling.
Twenty minutes later I was wearing a dress and tights once again and sitting in front of Lucy’s dressing table feeling a lot better about myself. This time I did my own make-up, and made a reasonable job of it. My cousin kept a close eye on my efforts and rectified one small mistake that I’d made.
‘How are your ear piercings feeling?’
‘Not too bad, I think. I was advised not to touch them for a few days and so I slept in my earrings last night, there didn’t seem to be any great problem with them.’
‘And what about you hair extensions?’
‘I don’t really notice the braids any more, and I guess it feels like natural hair. It’s a nice feeling to have long hair, but I’m having to get used to keeping it from falling in my face.’
‘I’ll help you to manage it and will show you how to use grips to keep it away from your face, but you’ll find that you will need to be constantly aware of how it looks, and also of the need to refresh your make-up from time to time.
‘I know. They showed me what to do at the salon and I bought myself some grips and rollers last night, although I didn’t get the opportunity to use them.’
‘No problem, your hair looks alright for now but I suggest that you wash it and put it in rollers on Sunday night before you go in to work for the first time. Also, leave yourself plenty of time to fix your make-up on Monday afternoon. You’ll get faster once you’ve had a bit more experience.’
‘There seem to be so many extra things to remember as a girl.’
‘Don’t worry, you’ll soon get used to them, and they’ll eventually become second nature,’ she said smiling.
’That’s what Sarah from the salon said to me yesterday. I hope you are both right.’
I was ready again by midday and shortly before we were due to go out I received a text message from Carol. This time it was addressed neither to Nick nor Becky.
'Where are you? When will you be home? We need to talk! Carol.’
It seemed a little ominous that she’d decided to text me rather than to ring, but on the other hand it was easier for me to deal with, as I didn’t want to have another row with her on the telephone in front of Lucy. I therefore responded with a text message.
‘I’ve gone shopping for some lingerie, with Lucy. I expect to be back by five tonight. Hope we can talk then - love Becky.’
I hoped that this might at least give a clue to her that I wouldn’t be backing down. Five minutes later her response came:
‘Alright, see you then. I’ll provide dinner for us both tonight, luv C.
’
My sister had obviously cleared her diary for the evening and no doubt wished to have a serious talk with me. I doubted if she was going to be doing any cooking by herself but would no doubt arrange for a nice meal to be delivered from a takeaway.
Lucy and I had a great time shopping during the course of Saturday afternoon and I soon forgot all my worries concerning my forthcoming interview with my sister, or indeed that I might give away my biological sex to the shop assistants. I enjoyed the experience of going out shopping as a girl, especially with a female companion. Clothes shopping had always been an ordeal for Nick, something to be gotten over with as quickly as possible, but for Becky it was fun. I also noticed that I was beginning to take an interest in colour combinations, different fabrics and styles, things that I’d barely noticed in the past. I even tried on a few dresses, but wasn’t in a position to buy anything. Both Lucy and I bought ourselves some underclothes, and I would now have just about enough to be going on with as long as I did my laundry at regular intervals. I would, however, still have to wear Nick’s clothes around the house on my days off, which was a source of disappointment to me as I was sure that I wanted immerse myself in being Becky until the end of November.
![]() |
In ancient times, when the box owned by the beautiful Pandora, the first mortal woman, was opened all the troubles of the world flew out and could never be put back. So what will happen when a trunk with the name 'Pandora Wilkins' Pandora’s Trunk
Chapter 10 Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
‘Carol,’ I called out, rather tentatively, as I entered the flat.
‘Hi …. er…. Becky,’ she responded emerging from her bedroom.
That was a good start - but it was followed by an awkward silence, with neither of us knowing quite what to say next. At last my sister broke the ice.
‘You look nice in that dress. Is it Lucy’s?’
‘Thank you. Yes; she is loaning it to me and the shoes I’m wearing; for a week or so.’
‘Oh yes. … Did she do your make-up for you?’
‘No. I did it myself today.’
‘In that case you've done it quite well.’
I smiled.
‘I didn’t get so carried away as we did yesterday.’
‘So I see.’
Another awkward silence followed.
‘Look …. Becky …. I’m sorry about what I said to you last night. I shouldn’t have done so. I was in a bad mood and then it was the shock of seeing you looking the way you did.’
‘Maybe the girls at the salon did go over the top yesterday, but only because I let them. I wanted to see what it felt like to have a full makeover.’
‘Well you certainly had one of those. So you still want to complete the six-week trial?’
‘Yes, we agreed, and I've now committed myself.’
‘Perhaps I didn’t take in the full implications of what you were proposing to do when I spoke to you last week. You’d better tell me all the details once again over dinner tonight.’
‘Yes of course, but let me just put these purchases in my room and refresh my make-up first,’ I replied, now confident that I was not going to give way.
I was right, Carol had arranged for our evening meal to be delivered from a local takeaway, and whilst we were waiting for it to arrive I went through all the details of the trial and my new job once again. Without having Lucy present, Carol felt less constrained about asking me some searching personal questions about my feelings and long term plans, most of which I couldn’t really answer because I did not know.
‘I’d no idea that you might be gay or a transvestite,’ she said, ‘I just thought you were just a little shy.’
‘I’m not sure if I’m a transvestite, a transsexual or am otherwise transgendered,’ I explained, trying to be as honest as I could without baring my soul in its entirety. ‘Also I’m not sure whether I am gay, straight or bi-sexual, as gender identity and sexual orientation are two quite different things. All I can say is that at the moment it feels right for me to be Becky.’
‘But how long is this going on for?’
‘I thought we’d agreed it would be for six weeks.’
‘Then what?’
‘I don’t know; we’ll just have to see what happens.’
‘How long have you felt this way?’
‘What way?’
‘That you wanted to dress as a girl.’
I shrugged my shoulders.
‘For as long as I can remember.’
‘But you’ve never said anything about it before.’
‘I know, I was always too afraid to admit it, even to myself. But ever since I went in for that competition and then was offered a trial as a barmaid I’ve felt more confident in myself, and who I am. I’ve also been having a lot of fun going out with Lucy,’ I explained.
‘You say that you feel more confident and are having fun but you aren’t likely to find many girl-friends if you dress like that,’ she said, stating the obvious.
‘I have found friends,’ I thought to myself remembering the fun I’d had after the competition was over the previous Saturday night.
‘Maybe not, but was I ever likely to find one as a shy, unhappy and unemployed young man?’ I replied.
She didn’t say anything.
‘Now that I have committed myself to my new employers, I'm quite determined to complete the trial dressed as Becky, Carol.’
‘So what does Lucy think about it all now?’
‘In some ways she seems to treat me like a younger sister. In fact she also told me off for wearing too much make-up yesterday, as well, but in a less abrupt way than you did.’
Carol looked a little embarrassed by my answer, perhaps thinking that she’d been a little hard on me.
‘It's alright for her, but she isn’t responsible for your welfare.’
‘Neither are you, I’m an adult now.’
She changed the subject.
‘You didn’t win that competition last week, so why do you think they singled you out to offer you this trial?’
‘I suppose they realised that with the right clothes and make-up I could be made to look like a convincing young woman. Perhaps Randi also saw something in my personality that I couldn’t. Maybe Lucy did so as well. She has encouraged me to go for it although without ever putting any pressure on me.’
Carol thought for a moment.
‘A few minutes ago I said that I had no idea about how you felt, but now I come to think about it, there was one occasion when you were a little boy and I was about to go to the school prom. Mum was doing my hair for me, and although I had my back to you, I could see your reflection in the mirror. There was such an expression of longing on your face, that I felt sure that you would have liked to change places with me.’
‘You never said anything about it at the time.’
‘No, I suppose that I was more concerned about my prom and I didn’t want to embarrass you or cause you any problems. I wish now that I’d said something afterwards.’
She smiled and added as an afterthought: ‘maybe I could have helped to dress you up as a princess.’
‘I would really have loved it, if you had done so, but what would Mum and Dad have said about it? In any event you left home to go to college soon afterwards.’
‘I know. I left you to get on with my life.’
Carol seemed quite absorbed and a little sad for a few minutes but after a while she took my hand and smiled.
‘Alright then Becky; I’m not sure that I totally approve of what you are doing but, as you say, it’s your life. If you want to live that way for the next six weeks, that is alright with me. I’m glad you’ve now told me everything.’
She then added as an afterthought: ‘I must admit you do look very attractive dressed as a young woman.
‘Thank you, but you do realise that I will be expected to wear make-up as well.’
Carol smiled.
‘It wasn’t the make-up that freaked me yesterday, rather the fluttering eyelashes.’
I blushed.
‘I know, and I’m getting more used to them now, so they don’t flutter as much. I promise not to repeat the experiment.’
‘You could always try stick on lashes next time you want to look glamorous,’ she replied, laughing.
I both smiled and blushed at the same time.
‘By the way, I’ve also had my ears pierced, yesterday’ I said, brushing my hair out of the way, so that she could see.’
She sighed.
‘I’d assumed as much. They are nice earrings that you are wearing. Once the holes in your ears have settled down, I’ll lend you some of mine as well.’
‘Thanks Carol. So will you be treating me as your sister from now on?’ I asked.
‘It doesn’t appear that I have any choice; for the time being at least. I never really had much chance to get to know my brother Nick. Maybe I should now make a little more effort with my sister Becky.’
‘I should really like that,’ I replied.
‘But what are we going to say to Mum?’ she asked.
‘Nothing: at least for the time being, until I know what I want to do in the longer term.’
‘So there might be a longer term?’
‘Maybe, but I don’t know yet.’
She didn’t press the matter.
‘Alright, as long as she doesn’t find out by some other means before you have a chance to tell her.’
I was now feeling a lot more confident in our relationship, but there was still one thing on my mind.
‘Carol, as we are sisters with no secrets between us, may I ask you how it is it that I’ve been living with you for the last five weeks and yet I still don’t know whether there is a man, or maybe a woman in your life? I never know where you are on those occasions that you don’t come home at night.’
She flushed a little and seemed hesitant to answer.
‘Isn’t that the sort of information that sisters might share with one another?’ I asked.
She sighed.
‘I suppose so. Yes, there is someone that I work with, his name is Geoff, but it is complicated.’
It was the answer I’d been expecting.
‘I presume he’s married,’ I said tentatively, trying to avoid any tone of disapproval in my voice.
‘Yes; and with three kids,’ she replied quietly, so I don’t want any of this getting back to Mum, or to Lucy for that matter.’
‘You can trust me, sister,’ I replied, touching her hand as I did so.
‘But his wife doesn’t understand him,’ she added, as an afterthought.
This is the woman who has two university degrees, holds down a high-powered job and has won prizes for her economics essays? I thought to myself, but didn’t say so.
‘Does Geoff know about me?’ I asked, instead.
‘He was aware that I’d had my younger brother staying with me. We had an opportunity to stay together last night but I told him I couldn’t as my younger sister would be arriving. He assumed that I was talking about two people.’
‘I see.’
‘That was why I was in a bad mood, last night; I’m sorry.’
‘Maybe I could meet him sometime, but only if you want me to.’
‘That may be difficult to arrange, Becky. But I’m glad that you now know about him and that I don’t have to keep it a secret from you.’
‘I’m glad too. Thank you for taking me into your confidence, but please don’t let yourself get hurt.’
‘Don’t worry about me, I can look after myself. I’m more concerned about my little sister.’
Neither of us said anything for a minute or two, but eventually Carol broke the silence.
‘Becky, I know that I shouldn’t have said some of those things to you last night, and I’m truly sorry. Whilst you were out this afternoon, I went through my wardrobe and have found some clothes that I no longer wear and which might suit you. Would you like to try them on later?’
‘Oh yes please. Carol, you’re a lovely sister.’
‘I hope you will be so, as well, Becky.’
‘I’ll do my best,’ I said, giving her a kiss on the cheek.
By the end of the evening I was the possessor of two more dresses, a skirt and a couple of tops. She also passed on to me a nightdress and matching housecoat and furry slippers which she’d been given by Mum but had never worn (preferring to wear pyjamas herself). I also had her permission to continue borrowing the older of her two winter coats, a pair of leather boots and a handbag for when I went in to work on Monday afternoon, so I wouldn’t have to make the journey wearing those heels. All in all I probably now had as many clothes as Becky might need for her six week trial.
We both slept in late on Sunday morning. I didn’t get up until 10.30 am and I was still in my nightdress and new housecoat an hour later, happily chatting on the phone to Lucy when Carol emerged from her room. I’d telephoned Lucy partly to find out how she’d got on the previous evening, but also to give her my account of my discussions with Carol (although omitting the part about her boyfriend). This was something which Nick would never have thought of doing but seemed to come naturally to me as Becky.
‘How are you this morning, younger sister?’ asked Carol when I eventually came off the phone.
‘Good afternoon, elder sister,’ I said, looking significantly at the kitchen clock, which was now just past midday. ‘I’m fine thanks.’
’That’s one more thing I’ll need to get for myself in due course, a more suitably sized wristwatch, I thought.
‘I thought you were supposed to be practicing how to put on your own make-up this weekend,’ said Carol as she poured herself a coffee.
‘I am, but I haven’t had a chance to do so as yet. It took me nearly half an hour just to sort out my hair,’ I replied.
‘Well it is a lifestyle that you’ve chosen to adopt, my dear sister, so you must accept the consequences,’ she said, smiling. ‘But if you change into a one of those dresses that I gave you last night and can manage to put on some make-up in the next half an hour, I’ll take you out for some lunch, although I’m afraid I’ll have to go into my work afterwards.’
‘That’ll suit me fine,’ I replied.
Carol checked up on my efforts and expressed her approval before we left home, so I concluded that she was not now ashamed of being seen out in public with me, in spite of the eyelashes. This was a decided step forward for although she’d been generous enough to Nick over the last few weeks, she’d never invited him out to lunch with her before.
‘So what plans do you have for the rest of the day and tomorrow, sister?’ she asked as we sat together in a nearby cafe.
‘I’ll still need some more practice of being Becky and getting myself ready before I go into work tomorrow afternoon. I must also phone Mum this afternoon as I haven’t spoken to her in nearly a week and I don’t want her to get anxious about me.’
‘It is just as well she doesn’t use Skype or MSN, or else she would want to see you as well. What have you said to her about your new job?’
‘I told her that I’ve found some temporary bar work in a night club.’
‘Alright, as long as we both get our stories straight.’
I felt a little bit dishonest when I phoned Mum, looking as I did, whilst pretending to be Nick. Part of me wanted to tell her everything that had happened, and then face the consequences, but I knew this would not be a good idea and would also create difficulties for my sister. Mum would be up on the next train, before I’d even begun my new job. There would come a time to tell her, but only after I’d had a chance to discover whether or not there was any future for Becky. So instead I prevaricated and gave her as few details as possible about my new job, saying that I’d yet to find them out for myself, but promising to ring her again the following Sunday afternoon.
I spent the rest of Sunday afternoon before I went in to work, preparing myself for my new job. This included practising putting on my make-up and doing my hair once again, and also in walking and climbing stairs whilst wearing the tight skirt and heels. Carol arrived home at 9.00pm, just as I was about to wash my hair.
‘I’ll help you to put it in some rollers when you are finished and perhaps then you can help me with mine, as well.’
‘I’d love to,’ I said, feeling that I was at last beginning to be accepted as a sister.
‘I doubt if I’ll have a chance to talk with you again before you begin your job tomorrow. So good luck, I hope all goes well and that it works out as you would wish.’
‘Thanks, Carol.
‘Leave yourself plenty of time to get ready.
‘I will.’
‘And one other thing, Becky.’
‘What’s that?’
‘I’m proud to have you as my sister.’
On Monday morning I lay in bed until after I heard my sister leave for work, trying to work out in my own mind what I thought of recent events. I was beginning to get used to some of the different feelings associated with being a girl, such as having lovely smooth arms and legs and long finger nails. I was now barely conscious of the tracks holding my hair extensions in place, so that most of the time it felt just as if it were my own. My ear lobes had also now ceased to feel sore, although I realised that the holes would not yet have healed completely. Sarah had been right, it was a good idea to get all of these discomforts out of the way at the start and so I would be able to enjoy my new identity.
I got up and took a shower, and whilst I did so checked that my boobs were still securely in place and not creating any soreness on my skin. I was not entirely used to the additional weight of them and the way they moved, but no doubt this would come in time. I dressed myself in one of the dresses that Carol had given me and put on a pair of tights that I’d bought when I was with Lucy on Saturday. It was a nice feeling as I did so. I then brushed my hair and put on some make-up before going out for an hour or so. This time there was no Lucy or Sarah to help me with my hair and make-up, and no Carol to make sure that I looked alright and advise me what to wear. From now onwards I would be taking responsibility for how I dressed and looked. It was a little scary, but felt right.
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In ancient times, when the box owned by the beautiful Pandora, the first mortal woman, was opened all the troubles of the world flew out and could never be put back. So what will happen when a trunk with the name 'Pandora Wilkins' Pandora’s Trunk
Chapter 11 Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
In retrospect I can now see that the next three to four weeks in my job — during October 2009 — were the most exhilarating period in my life, as I gradually acquired the skills and competencies to become a successful female impersonator. It was not just a question of learning how to wear the clothes, put on make-up and look after my hair, although these were important, but also a hundred other small details. I gradually learned how to adopt a female walk, both out in the street when wearing low heels and also in the club with my high heels and tight skirt. I learned how to speak as a young woman would, to gesture with my hands, and use other aspects of my body language to express whom I wanted to be. After a while these came almost naturally to me.
I also gained the confidence to make appropriate eye contact, and not be afraid that someone was going to challenge me in the street. At the club I learned how to interact with others as a young woman; both guys and other girls. None of this came all at once, but after almost every day I was aware that I’d made some progress. The work was not always easy, as the club could get quite hectic at weekends, and there were times when my calf muscles ached through having to wear those high heels, but I always enjoyed getting myself ready to go in to work, looking good and dealing with the customers. However, I can see that, in my enthusiasm for describing this period, I am tending to run ahead with my story, and so perhaps I should return to my chronological account.
My first two days in the job were something of an induction period when I was introduced to my duties and my new colleagues. It was a little bit nerve-wracking to begin with, but I survived. I felt as if I was under scrutiny by just about everybody: my bosses, my new colleagues behind the bar, and even the customers. I therefore went to some trouble over my appearance and checked up on how I was looking from time to time. I also went out of my way to demonstrate that I was prepared to put in some effort and they were right to have confidence in me. However, as time went on I just slotted in as one of the team.
Jack didn’t really say much when I arrived on Monday evening other than to welcome me to the club and hand me over to the bar manager to go through my duties with me. Randi later commented that I looked very smart in my new uniform and had done my make-up well for a beginner, which I suppose was a mark of approval but she always looked so glamorous when she was dressed up and exuded confidence in her appearance. Joe, the bar manager, informed me that my normal working week would be from Friday night until the following Tuesday night giving me every Wednesday and Thursday off. This suited fine as Thursday was the one evening in the week when Carol would usually get home early. (I now realised that her guy had some regular commitment with his wife and kids on that day.) Otherwise we would barely have had any chance to see one another, apart from lunchtime on Sundays, as one or other of us would be asleep whenever we were in the flat together.
Carol had left me a note when I woke up at lunch time on that first Tuesday, inviting me to ring her at work and let her know how things had gone. I did so, but only after I was dressed, had put on some make-up and had sorted out my hair, as I was beginning to discover that the way I looked affected my feelings of self-confidence and how I dealt with people. It had taken me two hours to get myself ready and put on my make-up on that first occasion, but I managed to reduce this to half an hour within a week. Carol was mainly concerned about how I would get back to Willesden in the early hours of the morning.
‘That isn’t going to be a problem, the club has a contract with a local mini-cab firm to take their staff home as there is no public transport at that time of night. I’m told that the drivers are all pretty friendly but know who we are and so don’t try anything on,’ I replied.
‘That’s a relief I wouldn’t want you travelling home on your own in the early hours of the morning.’
‘Me neither,’ I replied.
‘What about your journey into work?’
‘I have to say I found that commuting in to Central London a little difficult, although at least I won’t be travelling in during the rush-hour. I didn’t mind the walk from the flat to the tube station, but waiting on the platform and sitting on the train was quite stressful. I was conscious of people looking at me - especially young guys.’
‘Don’t worry; they’re probably just fancying their chances with you. Just ignore them, or try to develop a withering look. If necessary you can always tell them to get lost,’ she said.
‘I suppose I’ll just have to get used to it or learn how to handle guys, but it can be a little intimidating.’
‘Wearing an engagement ring might help to discourage some, although a few guys would regard that as a challenge. If you like I’ll loan you one of my rings that could serve that purpose.’
‘Alright, if it fits me.’
‘I should think so, you always have had slender hands. Also, try and give yourself something to do on the journey. Take some of my magazines with you on the train, or use the time to check up on your make-up, that way you don’t need to make eye-contact with any young male commuters, if you don’t want to.’
‘Thanks for the tips.’
‘Well I need to look out for my little sister.’
I also spoke briefly on the phone to Lucy, who invited me to come round and tell her how I got on when I was free on Wednesday evening.
‘If you’re sure that you can spare the time.’
‘Of course I can spare some time for a chat with my new girl cousin.’
We arranged for me to come at 6.30 but that I wouldn’t stay too late as Lucy had an essay to write and I wanted to see Carol when she got home about 9.30. I discovered that I would only just have enough clothes if I kept on top of my laundry. The club provided me with a spare blouse and skirt, and I managed alright with the limited range of outfits available when I wasn’t working. However, any other social occasions might leave me with nothing to wear if I was not careful. I therefore spent most of the afternoon wearing a pair of Nick’s jeans and a t-shirt, although I managed to get the dress that my cousin had loaned me washed, dried and ironed in time so I could put it on when I went to see her.
By this time I was in a position to give her an account of my serving the customers for the first time.
‘Fortunately the club wasn’t too busy last night and so I tried out a certain amount of chatting to the female customers, and even a little flirting with the guys. They know perfectly well my true sex.
‘So that is all you have to do all evening, chat and flirt with the customers?’
‘No, of course not; there’s plenty to do and I want to show my three colleagues that I’ll work hard and pull my weight.
‘What are your colleagues like?’
‘There’s Angie and Zoe, who are friendly and personable. Perhaps they are not entirely convincing as women but they are both good at their jobs, all the same. They are good with the customers, and the nicer you are to them the more tips you make.’
‘You mentioned a third colleague?’
‘Yes, Angie and Zoe are guys, like Randi, who only dress as women for their work, but there is also Susie who lives full-time as a girl and has been taking hormones for nearly two years now. She doesn’t have the same extravert personality as the others, but seems to be very nice all the same. She prefers to tone down her make-up but looks the part and her boobs are entirely her own. She’s saving up for surgery.’
‘So where do you come between those two extremes?’ Lucy asked.
This was a question I was unsure how to answer.
‘I’ve really no idea, Lucy; I’m just finding my way at present. For the time being I’m just concentrating on improving my general presentation; I’ll worry about the future later. I’m finding it quite hard work consciously trying to adopt feminine mannerisms and body language at the same time as taking on a new job.’
‘They’ll come in time; don’t try to do too much at once.’
‘I suppose so.’
‘But you are quite enjoying life as a girl then,’ she said.
‘Yes, for most of the time, although there seems to be so much to remember.
‘Remember that you do have six weeks to prove yourself so don’t be in too much of a hurry.
We then changed the subject and talked about Lucy and what she’d been doing. In particular, she told me about the latest developments with her new boyfriend, Andy, whom she’d met at the Drag Debutante competition. Things seemed to be going fairly well between them and I was pleased for her sake although, if it worked out, it would inevitably mean that she would have less free time to spend with me. Also, it was clear that she had a couple more assignments to submit over the next couple of weeks, and so I was unlikely to see much of her until mid-November. However, she professed herself anxious to keep track of my progress and so we promised one another that we’d keep in touch by phone and make time to have at least one coffee together each week.
In fact I didn’t get to see Carol when I returned to the flat after seeing Lucy, and I now realised why she could not always predict when she would be free (except for Thursday evenings). Apart from our brief telephone conversation, we’d not spoken to one another since the previous Sunday. Although on the surface Carol now appeared supportive of me, or at least willing to go along with our agreement, I realised that she was still not entirely sure about the wisdom of what I was doing. I was anxious to see her, face to face, and reassure her that all was well. I therefore left her a note on the kitchen table.
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‘I must say that it is nice to come home to a tidy flat and a nice meal,’ she said, ‘I could get used to this.’
‘You’re very welcome. As soon as I receive my first pay cheque I’ll start to pay you some rent.’
‘No, don’t worry about that for the time being, You’ll need to get yourself established first and we don’t know whether this job will be over by Christmas.’
‘In that case I’ll be happy to do your housework and laundry in lieu of rent.’
‘Alright, it’s a deal, and Thursday can be the night that I stay in and get to know my sister.’
‘So you are now thinking of me as your sister?’ I asked.
She thought for a moment.
‘I’m doing my best, Becky, and in a little time I believe I will do so without having to think about it,’ she replied.
I think it was the best answer I might have hoped for in the circumstances.
After those first few days at work I found that I began to be accepted by my colleagues and there developed a degree of friendly banter between us and occasional offers of advice on aspects of my presentation, how to deal with my false breasts and other issues that novice female impersonators might have to contend with. I also had to buy myself some new tights from time to time, but was able to do so out of my share of the tips, which were divided between the bar staff and waitresses. I was pleasantly surprised to find that tips were going to make a useful supplement to my wages.
I saw little of my sister and nothing of my cousin after that first week other than at the times we’d set aside to have a meal or a coffee together. We were all three pretty busy in our different ways and so tended to communicate by phone or text message. Inevitably some of their first questions to me would be how I was getting on at work and how I was finding life as a girl. I would always answer them, but usually tried to steer the conversation on to other matters as I wanted to be treated as a person rather than a sociological experiment. Sometimes this was easier said than done.
Although I was having a great time as Becky, there were a number of things on my mind. I enjoyed working as a barmaid, and seemed to be getting on alright but I’d no idea what I might do when it came to this proposed floor show that was being planned. The more I saw of the other performers the more I became sure that I wouldn’t be any good. I didn’t say anything to Jack or Randi though, as the trial was at least letting me spend time as Becky. I was however anxious that they would probably let me go as soon as they discovered that I had so little performing talent.
Another worry was how to deal with Mum when I spoke to her on Sunday afternoons. By the second week I was beginning to slot so comfortably into my role as a girl that I was frightened that I might say something to give myself away. As a precaution I put on some of Nick’s clothes before we spoke to remind myself that it was him rather than Becky who was speaking. This technique was successful but I found the whole procedure a little bit distasteful.
This led me on to my final frustration; Becky’s rather limited wardrobe, especially when compared to that of my sister and colleagues. As I may have mentioned, I had enough clothes to get by, if I was careful, but was beginning to get a little fed up with wearing the same things all the time. I had some money in my savings account, given to me for my eighteenth birthday by Mum, and I toyed with the idea of buying myself another outfit, but knew that Carol wouldn’t approve and Lucy was too busy to go shopping with me so I decided to make do until I received my first pay cheque at the end of the month.
Lucy had been pre-occupied with college work and her new boyfriend for much of October but rang me from time to time to see how things were going. We had coffee together on the Wednesday afternoon of my fourth week as she had no lectures and had just submitted an essay for her coursework.
‘So are things still going well, Becky?’
‘Yes, I think so. I’m even beginning to enjoy myself now that I've had a little more experience and am becoming more competent.’
‘I was talking to Randi yesterday; she said that you were doing fine and quite a favourite with some of the customers.’
I was glad that we were talking on the phone and she couldn’t see me blushing.
‘That’s nice of her to say so. I must admit that I quite like it when guys hold doors open for me, or chat me up at work.’
Lucy laughed.
‘Has anyone asked you out yet?’
‘Yes, I’ve had a few offers, but I’ve turned them all down.’
‘Haven’t you been tempted to accept?’ she asked.
‘Not so far, and in any event, whatever would I wear if I went out on a date?’
‘I’m sure that Carol or I could loan you something suitable, if necessary.’
‘No, you’ve both been kind enough to me as it is, and I don’t want to add further complications to my life for the time being. However, I am soon going to need to buy myself a few clothes as I find I’m constantly having to wash those that I do wear. I’ll be receiving my first pay cheque this week end, would it be possible for me to go shopping with you sometime so you can offer me some advice?’
‘Yes of course. I should have caught up with my college work by next week so we could go to Oxford Street next Wednesday afternoon if you like.’
‘Thank you; that would be great.’
‘I’ll call you on Sunday afternoon so that we can finalise the details.
I mentioned that Lucy and I might be going shopping together during the following week to Carol when I next saw her.
‘You must be nearly mid-way through your trial period by now,’ she said. ‘Wouldn’t it be better to wait until you knew what was going to happen at the end?’
‘Perhaps, but I‘m getting fed up with wearing the same clothes all the time.’
‘Do you know if they are likely to want to keep you on once your trial is over?’
‘I’ve no idea. I think I have been doing alright as a barmaid but nobody has said anything more to me about this new floor show they are supposed to be planning. There will always be work for hostesses or behind the bar at the club, but those jobs are quite sought after.’
‘When do you expect to hear?’
‘My name appears on the bar rota until the end of October, they will need to post a rota for November when I go in to work next week.’
‘Have you thought about what you are going to say to Mum yet?’
‘No, I am waiting to see whether they offer to keep me on or not first.’
‘Well, it is up to you how you spend your own money but don’t get too carried away.
‘Andy was telling me that his landlord will soon be disposing of a number of good quality second hand clothes in our size. Apparently, one of his former tenants has ‘done a bunk’ and is now being sought by the police, together with her boyfriend. She arrived back at the flat one night, collected her passport together with a few valuables and has left everything else behind. They appear to have skipped the country and nothing has been heard of them for several weeks now. The landlord is entitled to dispose of her belongings to cover her unpaid rent, if she doesn’t return by this coming Thursday. He was going to sell them to a second-hand clothes dealer, but says that they are very good quality and he would rather sell them privately if he can. I thought I might go along to see if he has a winter coat for sale. Would you like to come with me and have a look to see if there is anything to suit you as well?’ she asked.
‘I don’t mind having a look at them and maybe pick up a dress or two if they’re not expensive,’ I answered.
‘I’ll ring him up and tell him we’re coming on Wednesday afternoon as we are both free then.’
She called me back a little while later to confirm an appointment for us to visit the flat in Cricklewood at about 4.00 pm,.
‘What did you say to him about me?’ I asked.
‘Nothing at all, I only told him that I would be coming with my cousin. What else was there to say?’
I half hoped that I might have heard some news about my future employment after the weekend, as they must have been on the point of making a decision, but no news was forthcoming. I thought no more about our appointment until Lucy called me again before work on Tuesday afternoon to confirm the arrangements for the following day. She suggested that we should meet at the entrance to Oxford Circus tube station at 3.00pm and take a 189 bus from Marble Arch. I agreed to go, although I was now beginning to have second thoughts about whether I wanted to spend any more money on clothes for Becky as she didn’t seem to have much of a future, but Lucy had clearly gone to some trouble to arrange the meeting, and so I owed it to her at least to turn up and keep her company.
In the end I decided that I’d take the bull by the horns and talk to Randi before going home.
‘What can I do for you, Becky, my dear?’
‘I’ve almost completed four weeks as a barmaid and am running out of things to wear. Lucy has offered to take me shopping tomorrow, but what I buy will depend to some degree about whether or not I have a future working at the club.’
‘Would you like a future with the club?’
‘Oh yes, I’ve been having a wonderful time. I’d love to stay.’
‘Our plans for the new floor show have been delayed and put on hold until after Christmas, but nobody could fault you on the effort that you’ve made so far. Of course the final decision will be for Jack to make, but I honestly don’t think he’ll want to go to the trouble and expense of training a new barmaid if you’re willing to continue in that role for another three months or so. If you like I’ll talk to him and let you know for sure on Friday, but in the meanwhile, if you want to go out and buy yourself a new frock, I’d be inclined to do so.’
‘Thanks very much, I might just do that,’ I said looking relieved.
On the way home in the car I thought about the implications of staying on. A three month extension to my contract would take me well beyond the time when I would be bound to see Mum: there would be no way in which I could avoid telling her what I’d been doing. Also, I decided that I wouldn’t tempt fate by saying anything to Lucy and Carol, until I knew for certain.
I dressed myself with care the following day, wearing a blouse and skirt, leather boots and the black coat either given or loaned to me by Carol. I didn’t want to look too girly, but at the same time I wanted to be sure that there could be no suspicion that I was really a guy. I need not have worried for after having had the makeover and nearly four weeks of working in the club there was now little danger of me being ‘read’. Nevertheless I checked that my false breasts were still securely fitted and were displaying no signs of soreness. My ear piercings had all settled down and I had no difficulty removing or replacing earrings as necessary, and I was quite used to wearing a gaff. I now enjoyed having long shapely finger nails, but had to replace the nail varnish from time to time if it became chipped at work. I also noticed that my original hair colour was just beginning to show at the roots and the extensions were becoming noticeably looser. I made a mental note that I’d have to do something about them as soon as I was sure about my future.
Lucy and I eventually found the address in Cricklewood in another large Victorian house converted into several flats.
‘Is this where Andy lives?’ I asked.
‘No, he lives half a mile away, but his landlord owns several of these properties,’ she replied.
Lucy selected the relevant front door bell and rang an intercom buzzer.
‘Who is it?’ an elderly male voice asked.
‘Mr Turner, it’s Lucy and my cousin Becky; you are expecting us. We’ve come about some second-hand clothing that you have for sale’
The landlord let us in and introduced himself as Sam. He took us into a well-furnished first-floor flat and pointed towards the open door of an adjoining bedroom.
‘You’ll find everything in there. All the clothes are for sale. From what I remember the former owner was about the same height and build as both of you. I’ll leave you to have a look through them for a while. I shall be downstairs in the kitchen, call me when you’re ready and we can discuss terms.’
We quickly looked through a large number of very expensive dresses, skirts, blouses and tops hanging in the two wardrobes or else neatly folded away in a chest of drawers. Several of them looked as if they’d never been worn before, and others were still in plastic covers from a dry cleaner. The clothes included outfits for the office, day wear, business suits and leisure wear of all kinds. In the drawers were sets of matching lingerie and several pairs of stockings and tights still in their unopened packets. I noticed three outdoor coats, including one full-length dark red leather coat which must have cost a fortune to buy and half a dozen expensive looking handbags. There were at least a dozen pairs of shoes in different styles and colours, many of which seemed to have hardly been worn.
On the dressing table was a box containing costume jewellery, and a drawer full of cosmetics, and various other beauty products. There was also a set of curling tongs, a hair dryer and even a blonde wig on a block. On top of the wardrobe and under the bed was a set of expensive ladies luggage. The former tenant of the room, whoever she was, clearly had good taste and enjoyed spending a lot of money on her appearance.
‘My goodness, there’s some good quality stuff here,’ said Lucy looking at the labels and then putting on one of the coats. Shall we try the shoes on?’
‘Alright,' I replied.
I selected a pair of expensive looking high heels to put on, which seemed to fit me fine. Lucy found herself a pair of leather boots to match the coat she was wearing.
‘I would love these boots and this winter coat, if they aren’t too expensive,’ said Lucy. ‘How about you Becky?’
‘I’m not sure,’ I replied suddenly revising my previous decision and wondering how much I could now afford to spend.
‘Well at least try on one of the dresses to see if it fits you alright.’
I selected one and it appeared to fit me very well indeed.
‘You wouldn’t need to alter any of the dresses, if there are any that you like,’ she said.
There were, in fact, a large number that I liked.
‘Well let’s see how much he wants for them first,’ I replied.
We both changed back into our own clothes and called out to the owner who returned shortly afterwards.
‘So what do you think?’ he asked as he walked back into the room.
‘Surely your tenant can’t have just abandoned all of these clothes, they’re too good for anyone to leave behind,’ commented Lucy.
‘I think she only had enough time to grab her most valuable jewelry and her passport, and left everything else,’ he said.
‘What would happen if, someday, she decides to come back and wants to collect her things?’ she asked.
‘In the unlikely event that she does come back, I have instructions to notify the police straight away, as they will want to talk to her and her boyfriend about a great deal of money that’s missing from the office where they both worked. She has now been gone for almost six weeks and according to her contract, she must claim any of her belongings before nine o’clock tomorrow, and pay me all the back rent that she owes me, or else she forfeits her legal rights to everything that has been left behind in the room. I’ve checked with my solicitor, my former tenant would have no legal redress over any subsequent purchaser who bought them in good faith. If you decide to buy them, I will provide you with a valid receipt for everything and they will be legally your property’.
‘I see’.
‘Don’t worry, she’s had plenty of opportunity to get in touch with me over the last six weeks, but clearly doesn’t want to be traced,’ he continued. ‘I bet she is now having a great time spending the money she stole on lots of replacement clothes in Spain, and has forgotten all about these.’
‘Well, I’m not sure where to start. Shall we select some things that we would like and you can tell us how much you want for them?’ asked Lucy.
He seemed surprised by the idea.
‘No, I’m sorry but I’m not going to sell them piecemeal. Andy should have explained to you that I need the room cleared by this weekend, for a new tenant to move in. Whoever buys them must take the contents as a whole,’ he said in a tone of voice that allowed for no further discussion.
‘Oh! So how much are you asking for all these clothes?’ she asked.
‘My former tenant currently owes me fourteen hundred pounds in back rent, but I’m holding her original deposit of nearly a thousand pounds. I’ve no wish to make a profit from the sale in case her company’s insurance company should wish to make a claim for it themselves. So long as you agree to have everything cleared away by midday on Saturday you may have everything for only four hundred pounds. I’ve arranged for a new tenant to move in on Sunday. If you do not want to accept this offer I will telephone a second-hand dealer tomorrow morning, and I’m sure he will offer me that much for them,’ he said.
‘What exactly would we be buying for that money?’ I asked.
‘The contents of those two wardrobes, the chest of drawers, the dressing table, and the two suitcases under the bed are all hers. There is also a bag of dirty washing, but that has not been touched in six weeks and so you will probably want to throw that away. The furniture and fittings in the room are mine.’
‘Can we have a few more minutes to talk among ourselves?’ said Lucy.
‘Alright but I’ll need to know your decision this afternoon,’ he said and left us once again.
‘The price he is asking is only a fraction of what they must have cost and is far less than they would be likely to sell for on the second-hand market. I would offer to go halves, but even that is more than I wanted to spend, and I don’t really have enough room in my flat for many more new clothes,’ said Lucy.
I thought for a moment. She was right about the cost. There was everything there that I might conceivably need for a future life as a young woman, but it was still a lot of money to spend if it was only going to be for the next two weeks. Could I rely on Randi’s rather vague assurance of a further three months extension to my contract? But on the other hand there would never be another opportunity for me to furnish my wardrobe so cheaply.
’Even if they didn’t keep me on at the club, was I really willing to go back to living as Nick?’ I asked myself.
As soon as I’d allowed that thought to enter my head I knew the answer and knew what I needed to do.
‘Lucy, I have nearly five hundred pounds from my mother’s birthday present in my savings account. What if I were to buy them and then give you the coat and boots as a present?’ I suggested.
‘But where would you keep them all?’ asked Lucy, a little surprised by my response.
‘There is a large built-in wardrobe in my bedroom, a chest of drawers and a dressing table, each of which is only about a quarter full of Nick’s clothes. Also my room has access to a loft area in the roof, which is boarded and where I could store the remainder in the suitcases until I get an opportunity to sort through them all and decide what to keep and what to give away.’
‘I must say that he’s offering them at a very good price, but whatever will Carol say?’
‘I’ve no idea, but I noticed there is an expensive looking red leather coat which I just know that she would love to own; perhaps I could offer it to her as a sweetener.’
‘How will you move them all by the weekend?’ asked Lucy.
‘I’m not working tomorrow. If I come and pack everything, would you be able to help me to move them on Saturday morning before I go in to work?’ I asked.
‘Yes, I suppose so, since you are offering to give me the coat and boots.’
‘We could hire a couple of minicabs.’
‘Andy has a large car with a hatchback. Maybe I could ask him, if he would be prepared to deliver them in his car for you.’
‘I’d be happy to pay for his petrol if he did do so,’ I replied.
‘I’ll ask him tonight, but you’d better also clear it with Carol as well, I don’t want for us to turn up with piles of new clothes for you without her prior agreement. She hasn’t entirely forgiven me for dressing you up as Marilyn Monroe.’
‘The last time I spoke to her I got the impression that she was becoming a little more reconciled to having me staying as Becky.’
‘I sincerely hope so.’
‘She tends to stay out late on Wednesdays but I’m likely to see her tomorrow evening, I’ll tell her then.’
‘Just make sure you do.’
Sam came back into the room. This time I took the lead.
‘Alright Mr Turner, we'll take everything. I’ll come round tomorrow to pack everything and then we’ll collect them on Saturday morning,’ I said.
‘I would like to have the room cleared as soon as possible, but when you’ve packed you may leave all the cases and the bags in the garage until they can be collected, they should be safe enough there.’
‘Alright then.’
‘In that case I’d like you to give me a 25% deposit now, and pay the remainder when you clear the room tomorrow.’
‘If we give you £150 now may my cousin take that coat and those boots straight away?’ I asked.
‘I suppose so, as long as you promise to return first thing tomorrow.’
Between us Lucy and I could just about manage to raise £150 which we handed over to him, and he wrote out a receipt.
‘How will I contact you tomorrow morning?’ I asked.
‘I’ll be working at the flat from 9.30 onwards,’ he said.
‘Well Becky, you are now the proud owner of a complete wardrobe of female clothing and accessories,’ said Lucy as we were travelling back on the bus together.
‘So it would seem,’ I replied, beginning to wonder what I’d just done, and what Carol was going to say when she found out.
One thing I noticed about Becky compared to Nick, was that she does sometimes get a little carried away by her enthusiasm.
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In ancient times, when the box owned by the beautiful Pandora, the first mortal woman, was opened all the troubles of the world flew out and could never be put back. So what will happen when a trunk with the name 'Pandora Wilkins' Pandora’s Trunk
Chapter 13 Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
I briefly caught up with Carol the following morning as she was about to leave for work.
‘You’re up early this morning Becky, I thought it was your day off today,’ she said as she was putting on her shoes ready to go out.
‘It is, but I’ll be going out myself later on,’ I replied.
‘Well, goodbye for now,’ she said giving me a quick kiss before picking up her handbag.
‘Carol, are you expecting to be home as usual this evening?’
‘Yes, I should think so?’
‘Good! I’ll be making our dinner as usual, and there’s something that I need to talk to you about,’ I said.
‘Oh dear! That sounds a little ominous,’ she said, but fortunately she was in too much of a hurry to ask me anything else.
I decided to put on a pair of Nick’s jeans, a plain t-shirt, white socks and some trainers, as I didn’t want to make any of Becky’s clothes dirty. I had no wish to look androgynous and so I also put on some makeup and a pair of hooped earrings which she’d given me permission to wear. I was originally intending to wear my sister’s winter coat, but the weather was unusually warm for early November, so I borrowed one of her sweaters which she didn’t mind me using, instead. I looked in the mirror just before leaving and was satisfied that my appearance, although not glamorous, was probably acceptable for a young woman on her day off from work.
My first task that morning was to visit the cash dispenser and withdraw £300 from my savings account so that I could pay Sam Turner the remainder of what I owed to him. Once I’d also repaid Lucy I would have less than £100 in both my accounts, but I was going to be paid at the weekend, and there were always some tips to share. I made my way to the house in Cricklewood arriving at about 10.30 am, gave Sam his money and he gave me another receipt. The clothes were all now mine. He let me into the flat once again.
‘Let me know when you are ready, young lady, and I’ll help you to carry them down to the garage,’ he said, before leaving me to my own devices.
I began to survey my purchases in the cold light of day. They were certainly a great bargain but I‘d no idea what Carol was going to say when she saw them all! However, I began to formulate a plan to break the news to her gently.
There were in fact three empty suitcases under the bed, as a smaller one was inside a larger. I began by sorting the clothes into different categories on the bed, packing all of the summer clothes and other things that I wouldn’t need immediately, into the suitcases, whilst simultaneously discarding a few that I would never wear into a pile. The cases were soon full and ready to be transferred to the garage. I then began filling two largish cardboard boxes provided by Sam, and finally with three large plastic sacks. I put the leather coat for Carol, and a dark red jersey dress and a pair of matching shoes that I particularly liked to one side, together with an unopened packet of tights. It took me more than two hours to pack everything up, before I asked for Sam’s help.
‘It will be a relief to have the room clear so that I can begin to prepare for the next tenant,’ he said as he took the suitcases downstairs whilst I followed behind with the plastic bags.
‘I’m glad to be of assistance,’ I said, smiling.
‘By the way young lady, after you left yesterday, I remembered that there was also a wooden trunk that my former tenant was storing under the stairs, which is also now yours, if you want it. I’ve already carried it out to the garage. You may take it as well, if you wish, or else I will get rid of it for you.’
‘What’s inside it?’ I asked.
‘I’ve no idea; it feels as if it is full of linen or perhaps some blankets, but I can’t be sure since it is quite sturdily built and securely locked and I don’t have the keys. It took two of us to carry it downstairs, but I don’t think it contains anything particularly heavy or which smells badly.’
It proved to be a nice looking trunk, with the name ‘Pandora Wilkins’ engraved on a small brass plate. It was securely locked with both a hasp lock and a padlock and I wouldn’t be able to get inside without sawing through the padlock and then forcing open the hasp lock thereby spoiling what might otherwise be a useful and attractive item of furniture. No doubt I would be able to store it in Carol’s loft for the time being, and decide what to do about the contents later. I might as well take it along with everything else that I’d bought.
‘Mr Turner, would you now mind if I quickly changed my clothes upstairs before I leave; these have got a bit dusty?’ I asked.
‘Please go ahead.’
I quickly put on a pair of tights and changed into the dress and matching shoes and touched up my makeup, and was quite pleased with the result as I looked at myself in the bedroom mirror. I also put on the leather coat that I intended to give to my sister, and might have been tempted to keep it for myself if it were not for the fact that I now possessed two others of my own. I put the clothes that I’d been wearing in one of the plastic sacks to await collection on Saturday, and those I intended to discard in another bag which I would drop off at a charity shop on my way to the bus stop. I then said goodbye to Sam and made my way back home to tidy the flat and prepare our meal.
‘That’s a nice dress you are wearing Becky, are you borrowing it from Lucy?’ commented my sister, as we sat down to our supper that evening.
‘No, I’ve bought myself some second-hand clothes; they’re all in good condition, like this dress, and were an incredible bargain.’
‘Oh yes?’ she responded with a note of suspicion.
‘Carol, you need to understand that they all came as a job lot.’
‘So exactly what have you bought yourself?’
I took a deep breath.
‘There are nine or ten dresses, half a dozen skirts, several pairs of trousers, a dozen or more blouses and tops, and some shoes,’ I said, then added as an afterthought, ‘and various other things.’
‘My goodness, you’ll have more clothes than I do. Where are you intending to keep them all?’
‘Most of them should fit in the wardrobe, the chest of drawers and the dressing table in my room as there is plenty of room in each of them. I was hoping that I might be able to store the remainder in the loft until I have a chance to go through them all and decide what to keep and what to give away.’
‘What are you planning to do with Nick’s clothes?’
‘I’ll leave them where they are for the time being,’ I suggested.
Carol didn’t look as if she was entirely happy with the idea.
Did you really need to buy so many clothes?’ she asked.
I nodded.
‘I would have preferred to buy just a few but the owner wouldn’t sell items individually. It was all or nothing — I’d no choice,’ I said.
‘How did you hear about the sale?’
‘Lucy told me, she was with me at the time and she’ll confirm that this is true.’
‘Lucy always seems to be involved whenever you do something reckless,’ she said with a note of irritation.
‘You mustn’t blame her; it was my decision to buy them using my birthday money from Mum.’
‘Hmm,’ she replied without committing herself.
I decided to change the subject.
‘There were also some nice winter coats as well, and I wondered whether you would like to have one of them?’ I said getting up and going to my room, returning with the dark red leather coat.
‘What do you think?’
‘My goodness, this coat must be worth a couple of hundred pounds even second hand,’ she said.
‘Do you like it?’ I asked.
‘Yes, of course I like it, it’s lovely’.
‘Then why don’t you try it on?’ I said holding it out for her.
‘Alright then.’
She proceeded to put it on and began looking at herself in the hall mirror. It fitted her perfectly, and she looked really good in it.
‘Carol, I’d like you to have it to thank-you for being such an understanding sister to me’.
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes of course, I’m pleased to be able to give you something that you like and that suits you so well.’
‘In that case, thank you, Becky’ she said giving me a kiss, ‘I can see that there are some advantages in having a younger sister’.
‘The remainder of the clothes will be arriving on Saturday morning. I hope that will be alright with you.’
She sighed.
‘Alright then as long as you can store them in your room and in the loft, I won’t object. By the way I’ll be staying with Geoff on Friday night and Saturday morning.’
‘Thanks for telling me. I hope you have a good time, but please take care,’ I said.
‘That sounds the sort of thing that Mum might say.’
‘Well I have to look out for my big sister.’
She smiled, and also looked a little guilty, but only for a minute before returning to looking at herself in the mirror.
‘I think I’ll wear this coat this coming weekend.’
I was quite pleased that she was going to be away, as it would mean that I could get everything stowed out of sight before her return.
One good thing about my purchase would be that from now onwards I’d be able to travel to and from work wearing my own clothes and then change into my work clothes on arrival at the club, just like all the others. I began to do so on Friday, wearing one of the dresses that Carol had given me, and taking my work clothes with me. I was just about to get changed when Jack asked to see me in his office.
’This is it,’ I thought and kept my fingers crossed that Randi had been right in her predictions.
‘Well Becky, you appear to have kept your side of our bargain, and have taught yourself to look, speak and present yourself as an attractive young woman.’
‘Thank you, kind sir, I’ve done my best’ I replied.
‘Our plans haven’t quite worked out as we wanted, but we still have ambitions to train you up for our new floor show in the spring. In the meanwhile I can offer you a six month contract to continue working behind the bar on the same conditions as you do now. If we’re able to go ahead with our plans before the six months are up I’ll arrange to give you another contract.’
In many ways this was ideal for me. I was happy doing my present job and learning how to be Becky. I had no pressing ambitions to sing and dance, for the time being, at least.
‘Thank you, Jack. I should like to accept your offer.’
‘There’s just one small point though.’
‘What’s that?’
‘Those hair extensions will be beginning to get a little loose by now. You should arrange for them to be refitted. The club will pay.’
‘Two of my colleagues wear wigs to work.’
‘I know, but we have no ambitions for them beyond working behind the bar. I think with a little more time and practice you could be quite special, so I would prefer you to continue just as you are, if you are agreeable.’
So that was it. They were expecting me to remain as Becky for the next six months — at least it saved me from having to make the decision about my hair myself.
‘Alright, if the club is willing to pay,’ I replied; then added as an afterthought, ‘but I just wonder what my mother will say about it when I get to see her for Christmas.’
‘Maybe now is the right time for you to face that issue and tell her, rather than wait until Christmas,’ he replied.
I didn’t answer. Instead Jack phoned and made an appointment for me to have my hair done again the following Thursday morning. I therefore decided that the evening would be the ideal opportunity for me to announce to my sister and to my cousin my news and also my intention to continue living as Becky for some time to come.
Lucy succeeded in persuading Andy and his friend Paul (the one whom I’d previously met at the club) to help transport the various items from the garage in Cricklewood to Willesden on Saturday morning. In fact there was so much for them to move that it eventually involved them in two journeys. Although I’d been working the night before, I managed to get up early to direct operations. The guys deposited the cardboard boxes and plastic bags in my room. I also asked them to stow the suitcases and the trunk up in the attic for me, but we soon discovered that the trunk was never going to go in through the access opening so only the suitcases with my summer clothes could be stored there. On the other hand, the trunk did fit very nicely in the bay window of my bedroom, and so I covered it with a white table cloth and it made a nice coffee table for us all to use once the job was done. I thanked the two guys and gave them each a half bottle of whisky for their trouble. Lucy already had the winter coat and the boots from me and said she was really thrilled with them.
‘I’ll have to go now, Becky, but would you like me to pop round to help you sort out your new clothes sometime?’ asked Lucy, as they were about to leave.
‘Yes please. Could you manage next Thursday afternoon?’ I asked.
‘I could be here about three,’ she replied.
‘Perhaps you could also stay on to have dinner with me and Carol afterwards.’
‘Alright then.’
I was left on my own and I’d just about had time to cram most of the new clothes, costume jewelry and cosmetics into the available cupboards and drawers in my room before Carol returned home. There was no longer enough room for all of Nick’s clothes in the wardrobe and so I put most of them into one of the cardboard boxes which fitted under the bed, for the time being. Anyone coming into my room in future and looking around would assume that it was occupied by a young woman, and I would be happy to let them think so.
I was just getting myself ready to go in to work when my sister knocked on my bedroom door and asked to come in. She was still wearing the leather coat that I’d given her.
Is everything moved in now?’ she asked, looking around the room.
‘Just about, but I’ll need to do a certain amount of sorting out over the next week or two. Lucy’s coming to help me on Thursday; I thought we might have dinner together again afterwards, if you’re free.’
‘Alright then. What’s that?’ she asked, pointing to the trunk in the bay window, covered in a cloth.
‘It is just a wooden trunk that proved to be too big to go in to the loft, but it makes quite a convenient little table there.’
She then turned to me.
‘I must say you look very smart again today Becky; you’re really learning how to make good use of cosmetics and to do your hair.’
‘Thank you. My eyelash extensions have mostly now fallen out so I’m learning how to use mascara instead.’
Carol smiled recalling her initial reaction to me dressed as Becky.
‘I should never have said those things to you. I actually think you look nice as a girl.’
I blushed and thanked her for the compliment.
‘At least I’ll have some more choice about what to wear from now onwards.’
‘So I see,’ she replied and was about to leave when she seemed to remember something.
‘By the way, I found some keys in the inside pocket of that coat you gave to me.’
She handed over a couple of small keys on a ring.
‘Thank you,’ I said, taking them and dropping them into my handbag as I got up ready to leave for work.
As usual the club was really busy on Saturday and also fairly busy on Sunday night and as a result I rather forgot about my new wardrobe for a while.
![]() |
In ancient times, when the box owned by the beautiful Pandora, the first mortal woman, was opened all the troubles of the world flew out and could never be put back. So what will happen when a trunk with the name 'Pandora Wilkins' Pandora’s Trunk
Chapter 14 Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
It was good fun examining all of my new purchases over the next three or four days, working out how I might combine different styles, textures and colours with one another and deciding which ones I really liked to wear or suited me best. I was enjoying learning about clothes and fashions and found myself reading the magazines that Carol regularly bought for herself to read on the train. It was also nice to be able to go into work wearing something different every day, and a couple of my colleagues noticed and expressed their admiration of my new wardrobe. I now had a far greater range of cosmetics at my disposal and wondered whether I would ever get to learn how use them all.
Since I was due to have my hair done on the Thursday morning, I decided that I would make a particular effort with our dinner in the evening, both in terms of the meal to be served and the way I that looked. I therefore did most of the shopping and preparation for the meal on the Wednesday morning and devoted the afternoon to deciding what I was going to wear the following day.
At one point I was looking for a particular lipstick in my handbag and my hand touched the pair of keys given me by Carol the previous Saturday. As I did so an odd thought came in to my head. I turned round and faced the wooden trunk and looked carefully at the padlock. One of the keys on the ring appeared to be the right size and shape for that lock. I tried it and the padlock sprung open. I then turned to the second key and tried it in the hasp lock — that too sprung open. I quickly released two clips at either end of the trunk and opened the lid.
There was no dead body inside the trunk, as the two lads had jokingly suggested might be the case, when they brought it up to my room. There was just a layer of tissue paper covering a beautiful lilac coloured long satin evening dress, carefully folded. I held it up and gasped at the sheer loveliness of the garment. It was a backless dress with spaghetti beaded straps, ruched on the top with a band under the bust. Underneath there was another long evening dress, again carefully folded in tissue paper. This one was in lime green chiffon, with a V neck, beaded cup sleeves and a nicely ruched bodice. I took them both out and carefully lay them on my bed. A third long dress was strapless in dark blue silk, with a matching embroidered shawl. Then came a long black beaded dress made of taffeta, fully lined and with a padded bra. A net underneath of the outer skirt gave this one a puffy ‘Cinderella’ look. Underneath these four long dresses were three equally beautiful and expensive looking knee-length cocktail dresses, all in different styles, materials and colours. Then there were seven sets of expensive looking lingerie, each one carefully chosen to co-ordinate with one of the dresses, and various matching accessories such as shawls, wraps or clutch bags. There were also seven shoe boxes, each containing a dainty pair of high heels, again carefully matching one of the dresses. Finally, each outfit had its own necklace and earring set, again with the stones carefully chosen to set off the clothes to best advantage. Whoever had packed that trunk clearly had great taste, plenty of money at their disposal and a love of beautiful things.
I carefully placed each dress on to a hanger and hung them around my room, at first unable to take in how lovely all the clothes were. Once again I was transported back to that day in 1994 when I watched Carol get ready for her Prom, but now it would be my turn to wear the beautiful clothes. These were the dresses that I was born to wear.
A strange thing started to happen to me as I examined the contents of the trunk. I felt as if the haze that had enveloped my life for the last fifteen years was beginning to clear. I began to see exactly who I was and what I wanted in life. I had wasted the last fifteen years vainly trying to be a man - something that I now knew I wasn’t and never could be. In my soul and in my mind I was a woman and I now realised that it had always been so. Whilst I enjoyed working at the club and flirting with the clientele I had no wish to spend my life as a female impersonator like Randi. I wanted to be a woman and would take every possible step to become one, as far as was physically possible and as quickly as I could. I truly hoped that I’d be able to take my family and those that I loved along with me on my journey, but ultimately I knew that I had to fulfill my destiny and wasn’t going to let anyone stand in my way. Nick was now dead and that my future lay with Becky, and that was all that could be said. It took me several minutes to come to terms with this insight.
I was tempted to try on one of the lovely dresses straight away, but decided that I would rather wait until the following day, especially as I was due to have my hair done in the morning. Instead, I emptied the trunk of its contents, and began to fill it with everything that I could find that had any connection with Nick. I put in all of his clothes from my wardrobe and the box under my bed, I collected the books and magazines that he had read, and various other belongings — in fact anything that could be associated with myself and the male gender. They all went in the trunk. The only things I reluctantly kept were a few essential documents that I might later need to help me establish a new female identity. Now that there was room in my wardrobe and chest of drawers I began to fill them with the beautiful clothes that I’d just discovered in the trunk. By the end of the afternoon my bedroom furniture was entirely female in contents, as it ought to be.
When I finished packing Nick’s belongings into the trunk I picked up the pair of keys and threw them inside, closed the lid and pushed the hasp lock and the padlock home. Nobody would now be able to get in to that trunk without first smashing it to pieces. There was no way that I was ever going to go back to wearing those dreary old clothes now that I had so many nice things to choose from. The remains of Nick were safely locked away and Becky was at last free to enjoy her life. It was amazing how liberating that simple action of locking away the keys made me feel.
Carol stayed out late once again, which suited me as I wanted to stay in and make plans about my new life. Now that I knew what I wanted I was anxious to begin making progress as quickly as possible. I began by deleting Nick’s Facebook page. The few friends he had from his childhood would probably never even notice. I also cancelled his email account and started new Facebook and email accounts in Becky’s name. I deleted any photographs of Nick that I could find on my computer. No doubt my mother would keep copies, but at that moment I wanted to have nothing to do with my previous life, which I now found distasteful. I wanted to move on as Becky, as quickly as possible. Finally I spent several hours surfing the net to look for medical and legal information about changing my gender and began to download it into files which would be my essential reading matter in the days to come.
Carol came in soon after midnight and noticed the light under my bedroom door and so knocked.
‘Hi Becky, you’re looking very pleased with yourself.’
‘I’ve just made an important discovery,’ I said yawning, ‘but if it is alright with you I’ll tell you about it over dinner tomorrow evening.’
‘That’s fine, I’ll see you then.’
I went to bed feeling that the following day was going to be the beginning of a new life, and for once I did not need to fantasize about life as a beautiful young woman, because now I knew that I was going to become one.
‘I do like that dress, Becky, it really suits you,’ said Sarah when I turned up at the salon the next morning.
That was the third dress from my recent purchase to have elicited a favourable comment, either at work or from Carol at home. I was naturally feeling quite pleased with my investment.
‘Thank you,’ I replied smiling and smoothing out the skirt as I took my seat, this time in the main salon rather than a back room.
‘So how has the job been going so far?’ she asked as she began to inspect my hair.
‘Fine thanks, I’ve been having a really great time and the club has just extended my contract for six months.’
‘So I’ve heard. That’s really good news, we hope you’ll be our regular customer for some time to come.’
She began to examine my hair.
‘I’ll just need to touch up your roots and tighten those braids and then perhaps we can look at a more ambitious style for your hair.’
‘Thanks, I’d like that. I’m going to be holding a dinner party this evening, so I want to look my best.’
‘We’ll have to see what we can do for you, and perhaps tidy up those eyebrows a little?’
‘Ok but I’ll pass on the eyelash extensions this time. The last ones got me in to trouble with my sister.’
‘Would you like me to show you how to use stick on ones instead.’
‘Alright then, as tonight is going to be a special occasion.’
‘Is there anything else that you would like to have done whilst you are here?’ she asked.
‘I’ve always quite fancied having a pedicure and my toe nails painted, but that isn’t something the club will expect to pay for. Could I pay you for it separately?
‘Don’t worry — you have been taking good care of your finger nails by the looks of things, so I’ll just renew your nail varnish, do your feet and then put them both down on the bill as a manicure.’
‘Thanks, Sarah. I’m going to be wearing a lilac dress and these amethyst drop earrings and necklace tonight,’ I said showing the jewelry. ‘Do you have any nail varnish to match.’
‘Yes, of course we do. I’m glad to see you are beginning to experiment with your look, Becky.’
‘I’m finding that it’s good fun being a girl.’
‘So it would seem,’ she said making a start on my hair. ‘So is there anyone really special coming to your dinner party tonight?'
‘It’s just my sister and my cousin Lucy on this occasion.’
‘So better luck next time?’
‘I hope so,’ I said smiling.
Two and a half hours later I came away from the salon both looking and feeling like a million dollars, but had to hurry back to Willesden to continue the preparations for our dinner party. Fortunately I was well-organised and everything was in hand. I’d put the main meal in the slow cooker before I left, and prepared the sweet and left it in the fridge overnight. It was just a question of preparing the starter and the vegetables, laying the table and getting myself ready. Lucy arrived at the promised time, dressed in jeans and an old sweater as she had been expecting to help me with removals.
‘Your hair looks nice Becky, have you had it done?’ she asked as I opened the door.
‘Thanks, I’m glad you noticed.’
‘I could hardly fail to do so, but having your hair in that style does suit you.’
I smiled, knowing that she was right.
‘Come through to my bedroom, Lucy, I’ve something to show you.’
I’d arranged the various evening dresses and cocktail dresses on hangers round the room.
‘What do you think?’
‘They’re all beautiful, but where did they all come from?’
‘They were in that trunk that was thrown in as an afterthought to my purchase, together with matching accessories. I’ve only just managed to get it open.’
‘But that is incredible. What are you going to do with them all?’
‘Wear them, of course, whenever there is a suitable opportunity, and beginning with that lilac dress this evening,’ I replied. ‘I was hoping that you’d be willing to keep me company by wearing one of the others tonight.’
‘But I had no idea that you wanted us to dress up tonight. I haven’t prepared or brought anything with me.’
‘Believe me, Lucy, I now possess everything you might conceivably need, and will be more than happy to loan them to you.
‘But what about the other clothes that you wanted to me help you sort out?’
‘They are all sorted and stowed away. We now have three hours to help one another to get ready before Carol gets home. Then I hope you will help me to persuade her to change in to one of the other dresses.’
‘Since you put it like that, the blue silk strapless number looks very nice.’
‘I’m sure it will look great on you, so why not try it on?’
By six o’clock we were both immaculately dressed, made up and be-jewelled in our beautiful new outfits. I was just in the kitchen checking on the progress of the meal, when I heard Carol let herself in to the flat.
‘My goodness, Lucy, you do look nice in that frock,’ she said.
‘If you think I look good, you should see your sister,’ she replied, ‘even her toe nails co-ordinate.’
I emerged from the kitchen and watched as Carol’s face dropped in utter astonishment. For a moment I thought there might even be a repeat of her reaction to me on the first occasion she saw me dressed as a woman.
‘Becky, you look so lovely, but whatever have you done to your hair and where did you get that dress?
‘Carol, I promise to answer all of your questions and tell you everything you want to know, during the course of the evening, but first of all there are two more outfits for you to choose from. The meal will be ready in an hour, so I hope you will be willing to change into one of them to keep us company.’
‘I’ll tell you the story of the dresses whilst I help you to get ready, Carol,’ said Lucy. ‘We’ll let Becky finish preparing the meal.’
Carol chose the black taffeta dress and after a very quick shower Lucy, did her best to help her get changed and made up as quickly as possible. By the time I started serving up there were three very elegant and beautifully attired young women sitting at the table.
‘Alright Becky we’ve gone along with your scheme so far this evening but now I think it is time you told us what this meal is in aid of,’ said Carol.
‘In fact it is several celebrations all in one. Firstly, I have heard that my contract is being extended, for at least six months and possibly longer. The club therefore paid for my hair extensions to be re-affixed and my hair done this morning.’
Carol appeared as if she wanted to say something, but I pressed on.
‘Secondly it is to celebrate my acquisition of a wardrobe full of wonderful clothes, so I’ll never have to borrow from either of you again. And thirdly ….’
I hesitated for a moment. The two others looked at me expectantly.
‘I also wanted to announce that Nick won’t be coming back and that Becky is here to stay.’
‘Won’t be coming back, ever?’ said Carol.
‘Never!’ I re-iterated.
‘Are you sure …. Becky?’ asked Lucy.
‘Absolutely certain.’
‘But what about when your contract comes to an end?’
‘I will just have to find myself another job, but this time it will be as Becky rather than Nick. I have never been so sure of anything in my life. Thanks to the two of you I have recently discovered who I really am and who I want to be. I’m an adult now and am certain that there will be no going back.’
Both Carol and Lucy looked surprised by my announcement but neither of them appeared horrified. I therefore spent the next hour explaining to them how I’d always felt for as long as I could remember, how I’d tried to pretend to be a boy to myself and to other people, but had failed. I also explained how good I now felt about myself. I was happy to continue working at the club for the time being whilst I embarked on my permanent transition to become a woman but my long term object was to resume my education and find an ordinary job and live an ordinary life in my new gender.
‘So you are determined to spend the rest of your life as Becky, to start taking female hormones and one day to have surgery?’ asked Carol.
‘Yes I have been reading up all about it. It can be done, quite successfully, but I mustn’t leave it too late before I start to act.’
Carol looked across at Lucy and then towards me.
‘I can’t say that I’m entirely surprised, in fact I don’t think anyone who has spent time with you over the last few weeks, would be. Lucy and I have been comparing notes about you by phone over the last fortnight and we’d both come to the same conclusion, but we’d decided to say nothing until you raised the subject.’
Lucy nodded in agreement, but Carol continued talking.
‘However, there is one person, who has no idea what has been happening to you and to whom this will undoubtedly come as a devastating shock — that is Mum. You always were her favourite.’
‘I was never aware of that; I always thought of myself as the family disappointment. I’ve really no wish to hurt her or to disappoint her now, but I really cannot go back to being someone that I’m not.’
‘So what are you planning to do?’
‘I suppose I will have to go home and explain to her.’
‘Dressed as you are?’ she asked.
‘Well not exactly in my lilac evening dress and strappy high heels, but I would certainly want to go as Becky rather than as Nick. There would be no point otherwise.
‘What do you think she’ll do when she finds out?’ asked Lucy.
‘Freak out of course! Carol’s initial reaction to seeing me dressed as a girl will be as nothing compared to Mum’s,’ I said.
Carol coloured slightly at the memory of how she had reacted to meeting me as Becky for the first time, and knew that I was probably right about mum’s reaction.
‘She’ll have to be told though, she’d be even more upset if she were to find out in any other way,’ she said.
‘I know, but I can’t say that I am looking forward to doing so,’ I said.
![]() |
In ancient times, when the box owned by the beautiful Pandora, the first mortal woman, was opened all the troubles of the world flew out and could never be put back. So what will happen when a trunk with the name 'Pandora Wilkins' Pandora’s Trunk
Chapter 15 Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
The prospect of having to tell Mum about Becky was the one ominous cloud in what would otherwise have been a perfect evening. I realised that it could not be long delayed now that my contract had been renewed and the Christmas holidays were on the horizon.
‘You speak to your mother regularly on the phone, why not tell her during one of your telephone conversations?’ suggested Lucy.
Carol didn't agree.
‘No, tell her in a letter, perhaps also enclosing some photographs, that way she can have a chance to reflect on the information before you actually meet her. Although I suggest that you arrange to meet her soon after she has been told. Depending upon her initial reaction, that meeting could be with either Becky or Nick.’
‘No,’ I said decisively. ‘I will write to her but the meeting must be with Becky, irrespective of what she says. In any event I no longer have access to Nick’s clothes.’
Carol and Lucy both looked surprised at this admission.
‘Everything relating to Nick is locked away inside that trunk in my room, together with the keys; I cannot now get to them without breaking it open and have no intention of ever trying to do so,’ I explained.
‘You really are determined to go ahead with your new life,’ said Lucy.
I nodded.
‘In that case, my dear sister, as soon as we have finished your excellent meal, we should sit down and draft a letter to Mum telling her exactly what has happened, and where you are now working. We’ll also take a photograph of the three of us wearing our posh frocks to send to her, together with one or two others you have of Becky more normally dressed. When the letter is written, you and I will take it down to the post box in the street and post it together, so there can be no backing out or second thoughts.
‘I think Carol is right,’ said Lucy. 'It is time that she was told.'
‘I know,’ I replied.
‘Would you be able to take Sunday night off work?’ asked Carol.
‘I could probably arrange to swap duties with a colleague; but why?’ I asked.
‘If we post your letter tonight it should reach Mum on Saturday morning. I will ring her at lunchtime to see how she is reacting. If things are ok I suggest that you and I should go to visit her for the day on Sunday. I‘ll remind her though that you will be dressing as Becky during the visit.’
‘Alright then, let’s do it.’
We cleared the table and then took a series of photographs of the three of us using the tripod and the timer on Carol’s expensive digital camera. We also took several pictures of each of us individually, and printed out the best examples using her photo printer. Carol and Lucy also helped me to draft a letter to Mum explaining what had happened to me, how I was currently spending my life, and how I’d always felt. It was a long and difficult letter to write. I tried to write clearly, unemotionally, but leaving no room for any doubt on my part. I tried to explain that for the first time in years I was truly happy with my life.
‘I wouldn’t go in to a lot of detail about your future intentions at this stage, let her get used to the idea gradually,’ suggested Carol.
Instead I wrote about how much I enjoyed my job, had made friends in my new role and hoped that I’d soon be able to meet her again. As soon as it was finished I printed it out and signed it as ‘Becky’ but added ‘your former son, Nick’ in brackets afterwards. I handed it to Carol, who had put two photographs of Becky looking happy, the best one of the three of us and another of my sister and myself, in an envelope. She sealed it and wrote on the outside that Mum was to read the letter before opening the envelope. She then put the smaller envelope and my letter into a larger envelope, addressed it to Mum and stuck on the necessary first class stamps.
‘Come on,’ she said, let’s go out and post it straight away.’
We must have looked an odd sight in November. Three glamorously dressed and immaculately made up young women in long dresses, with jackets draped round our shoulders to protect us from the cold, walking down the street, at 11.00 pm. When we reached the post box Carol handed me the letter.
‘You post if for me, please,’ I said.
‘No; you must do it.’
I took it from her and let it drop through the slot. I heard the sound as it hit the bottom of the letterbox. That was it; there was no way I could now prevent Mum from finding out. I took a deep breath.
‘Well done!' said Lucy.
‘No regrets I hope?’ Carol asked.
I shook my head.
‘No regrets, and thanks to both of you for all your help over the last few weeks, and I hope I’ll continue to receive your moral support.’
‘Of course you will, you’re our sister and our cousin after all.’
It was too late for Lucy to travel home on her own, so I found her some silk pyjamas from out of my new wardrobe and offered to let her share my bed with me as it was large enough for two of us. We all helped one another to get changed out of our finery.
‘Thanks Becky, it was a super meal and I’ve had a good time. I am really glad to have you as my sister,’ said Carol and left us as she had to go in to work at her normal time on Friday
I wasn’t due to work until the evening and Lucy had no lectures until the afternoon, so we woke at about 9.00am and lay in bed for an hour or more comparing notes about the events of the previous evening.
‘I’m afraid you’ve now passed the point of no return as far as telling your mother is concerned, the post will soon be collected from the box and your letter will be on its way to her,‘ said Lucy.
‘I know, there’s nothing I can now do to stop it, even if I wanted to, but I am quite sure that I don’t want to change anything. I am so happy with the way things have turned out and am determined to go ahead with my plans.’
‘But you must be a little anxious about your mother’s reaction to the news.’
‘Of course I am, but she will have to know about Becky sometime, and so why put off the evil day? Above all, I was so pleased with the way that you and Carol reacted to my news last night. I now feel closer to you both as a result.’
‘And I feel closer to you as well Becky. In fact I much prefer having you as a girl cousin than a boy cousin.’
‘Why is that?’
‘You just seem more relaxed and comfortable in your skin as Becky than you used to do as Nick. I can understand now why that was the case; you were always trying to pretend you were something you were not.’
‘Yes you are right.’
You are also much prettier than Nick, and what is more, I now know where to come if ever I need to borrow a ball gown.’
Lucy smiled and gave me a kiss on the cheek and I felt a warm glow of contentment passing through my body.
As we got up and began to get dressed Lucy looked around the bedroom.
‘Since you are now planning to spend your life as a girl, I feel that it is time you started to pay attention to some of the other aspects of being female. I think you should do something about your living environment to make it reflect your new girly personality a little more. Carol’s spare room is a little bit Spartan in its furnishings and appearance, I think you should try and brighten it up a bit. It shouldn’t really cost much money.’
‘Alright, now that I’ll no longer have to worry about buying some more clothes, I should be able to do so. Maybe you and my sister might be able to offer me some advice.’
‘Yes of course. Why don’t we have a quick look around a store selling furnishings to give you some ideas?’
‘That’s fine by me.’
I don’t think I have ever spent a happier two hours in my life than that Friday morning with Lucy looking around the shops at Willesden. We didn’t buy anything, but just looked around, examining products, making suggestions and generally chatting to one another. There was no worry or stress, just two girls spending some time with one another. All worries about my imminent meeting with my mother were for the time being dispelled. Lucy was accepting me as a girl, and that is all I’d ever wanted from anybody. But of course all good things have to come to an end. She had lectures to attend and was planning to spend the weekend with Andy, and I had to get ready for my work. My general feeling of well-being continued at work. I received several compliments on my new hair style and congratulations once it became known that my contract had been extended.’
I was also on good form with the patrons, which always resulted in more tips to share around. I was gradually getting used to dealing with guys, laughing at their jokes or massaging their egos. One man asked me out and for the first time I was almost tempted to accept. I’d been asked out nearly a dozen times over the last six weeks, but I’d made a point of turning them all down. Half of the offers came from married men or those with regular girlfriends. I got the impression they were all just looking for some exotic sex, and that was one area I didn’t want to get involved with. But this one guy, Roger, seemed different, as if he genuinely liked me. Of course I’d already turned him down once, along with all the others, but I’d tried to stay on friendly terms with him as I didn’t want to scare away a good customer.
‘I do like the colour of your nails, Becky,’ he said as I handed him his change on Friday evening.
‘Thank you, kind sir,’ I said doing a little mock curtsey. ‘I wore a dress this colour to dinner last night, and haven’t had the chance to change it yet.’
‘You should leave them as they are, the colour really suits you.’
I smiled and would have moved on to the next customer, but we’d hit a temporary quiet patch.
‘Did your boyfriend take you out to dinner?’ he asked, tentatively
‘No it was just a dinner party for my sister and my cousin, Lucy,’ I replied.
I could see that he was plucking up courage to ask me out a second time, and my heart went out to him.
‘I don’t suppose you would let me take you out to dinner sometime?’
I suppose I should have seen it coming and I really wanted to say yes, but I knew that one of the first questions that Mum would ask me was whether I had been seeing a man, and I wanted to be able to answer her truthfully.
‘Roger, thank you for asking, but this really isn’t a good time for me at present. Maybe, another time?’
I touched his hand gently and looked into his eyes as I said this, trying to convey the message, ‘not now but do please ask me again.’
‘Yes of course,’ he said looking totally crushed, and took his drink away to a table, blushing as he did so.
It struck me how much power women have over men, but I also knew that having been turned down twice he wouldn’t ask again, and that made me feel sorry.
Carol usually went out on Saturdays but on this occasion she’d decided to stay in. It occurred to me later that this was probably for my sake. I emerged from my room at about midday, and poured myself some tea.
‘Hi Carol, what time are you planning to ring mum?’
‘She has already called, in fact we’ve spoken twice. She rang me as soon as she received your letter.
‘How did it go then?’
Carol took a deep breath.
‘Well, as we realized, your letter has come as a shock to her. She was not at all happy to begin with and said she had no wish ever to meet you dressed as a girl, and certainly didn’t want you turning up at her house that way. She demanded to speak to you, but I told her that you had been working all night, were sleeping and I wasn’t prepared to wake you. I even went in to your room and turned off your mobile phone, as otherwise I’m sure she would have tried that. She was also very angry with me and with Lucy, and wants you to come back to East Anglia as Nick and forget that Becky ever existed. I told her that she would have to tell you that herself, but not until she’d had time to calm down and reflect on the news. Things seemed fairly disastrous at that point and so I left it for a couple of hours.’
‘And then what?’
I spoke to her a second time an hour ago after she’d had some more time to think. I believe I may have talked her round a little. She even admitted to me that you looked very nice in the photographs that we sent her, so clearly she hasn’t torn them up and thrown them away’.
‘So what was the final outcome?’ I asked.
‘She has reluctantly agreed to meet us both during the coming week. She will take a day off work and come up to see you in London.
‘With me as Becky?’
‘Oh yes; at first she tried to insist that she would only see you as Nick, but I told her that you were not going to be talked out of your new job and that she should therefore get used to the idea, if she didn’t want to lose contact with you altogether.’
‘Thanks, Carol.’
‘However, she’s adamant that she doesn’t want you to come to Brome dressed as Becky and feels that you should make some alternative arrangements for Christmas. She says that she would be too embarrassed if you came to her house and that someone in the village would be bound to catch sight of you.’
‘But I hardly know the neighbours.’
‘I know, and I told her that you made a totally convincing young woman, but I think she needs to see you for herself first. I therefore suggested that the two of you should meet in my flat when I’m at work’.
‘When?’
I explained that you usually had Wednesdays and Thursdays off, and so she will come up to London on Wednesday and should arrive at my flat about 2.00 pm. I normally see Geoff on Wednesday evenings but will arrange to be home from work by 4.00 pm if you like, so you will have two hours on your own to talk her round, before I come and back you up.’
‘Then what?’ I asked.
‘That rather depends upon the two of you. If she is still determined to be upset and go home on her own — so be it. At least she knows your secret now, and you will be able to get on with your life. But I hope you’ll be able to talk her round into accepting the situation, in which case we could all go out for a meal together on Wednesday evening.’
‘Thank you for all your trouble on my behalf Carol, you’ve been a great sister’ I said.
‘I won’t say it has been easy for me today, Becky, but I’ve done my best for you and hope you will be able to work things out.’
‘Thanks again. Do you think Lucy will get it in the neck as well?’
‘Probably not; at least not for the time being. I don’t think Mum is in the mood to want to discuss your situation with any of the relations at present.’
‘By the way, Carol, what do you think I should wear when I see her?’ I asked.
Carol laughed, ‘Oh Becky, you really are turning into a girl. You now have masses of clothes and yet you are still worrying about what to wear. I don’t really know what is the most appropriate attire for a son to tell his mother that he will be spending his future living as a woman,’ she said. ‘However I’m sure we can find something to make you look nice just the same. If possible, you should try to look smart and feminine, but don’t go over the top in terms of glamour. Also, try and tone down the make-up a little to begin with as well.’
‘Do you think I wear too much makeup?’ I asked a little anxiously.
‘No, not really, in fact I think you use makeup very well, but remember it’ll be a little bit of a shock to her the first time she sees you’
‘Alright then, I’ll do my best to look like a demure young lady,’ I said laughing.
‘But decorous as well.’
‘Of course.’
![]() |
In ancient times, when the box owned by the beautiful Pandora, the first mortal woman, was opened all the troubles of the world flew out and could never be put back. So what will happen when a trunk with the name 'Pandora Wilkins' Pandora’s Trunk
Chapter 16 Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
I left my mobile turned off throughout the weekend in case Mum should change her mind and decide to ring me; instead I used the landline for outgoing calls and let Carol answer any incoming ones. I rang the club to cancel the arrangement I’d made for me to swap shifts on Sunday, and then telephoned Lucy to bring her up to date with events at home.
‘So what has been your Mother’s reaction?’
‘I haven’t spoken to her yet, but Carol has, and says she was not very impressed by the news. However, she has at least agreed to come up to London and meet me to talk about it on Wednesday afternoon.’
‘Will she be seeing you as Becky or Nick?’
‘Becky; of course,’ I replied decisively. ‘She tried to insist on seeing me as Nick, but Carol told her that she must face me as Becky, but I’m not exactly looking forward to it.’
‘Would you like me to be there with you when she comes?’
‘No Lucy, that’s very kind of you, but you have lectures to go to and your presence might even make things worse. I’ll have to face her by myself, but I wouldn’t mind seeing you for a coffee on Wednesday morning, if you can be free between lectures, just to boost my confidence and check that I look alright.’
‘Would you be able to come in to Central London at about 11.00 am?’
‘I suppose so.’
‘In that case I could meet you at the Students’ Union.’
I was quite pleased to be working for the next four evenings as it saved me from worrying too much about my forthcoming interview with my mother. During this time I asked Susie, my colleague who was in process of transitioning, whether we might have a chat together as I wanted to learn more about the implications of taking hormones and of undergoing a full transition and acquiring official recognition in my new gender.
'I was wondering how long it would take you to decide,' she replied.
'Is it that obvious?' I asked.
'Yes, I'm afraid so.'
'I would like to begin the process as soon as I have spoken to my Mum on Wednesday.
'In that case why don't we meet up for an hour before work next Friday.'
However as Wednesday approached I began to find myself laying awake in bed, thinking what I was going to say to Mum when we met and trying to anticipate and answer all the objections she might have to my current life-style. In fact I only managed to sleep for a couple of hours after I came home on Wednesday morning before my alarm woke me to get up and go and see Lucy, by this time Carol had left for work. I was too nervous to face eating any breakfast, but thought I might just manage to keep down a cup of tea. I went in to the kitchen and found that Carol had left a pink envelope addressed to me. I opened it to find a good luck card endorsed:
Becky — I think you should live as you want to, and do whatever feels right for you. Whatever Mum might say, I want you to know that I've been happy and proud to have you living with me as a sister, love from Carol xxx.
Several tears ran down my cheek and I was glad that I had found the card before I put on any eye makeup.
I’d planned what to wear the night before: a dark blue tailored suit with medium length skirt together with matching shoes and a light blue blouse. I also now possessed a nice pair of lapis lazuli earrings and a matching pendant which would go well together. I’d also changed my nail varnish to a more conservative looking dark red. I knew that if Carol or Lucy were to be wearing this outfit Mum would consider it to be ‘smart’. These days I was usually quite skilled at putting on my makeup in the morning but on this occasion I was feeling so nervous that I barely managed to do my lips put a little mascara on to my eyelashes and brush my hair into a respectable style before I had to leave.
‘Becky, you do look nice in that outfit, quite the young businesswoman,’ said Lucy when I met her. ‘You put me to shame these days.’
‘You are appropriately dressed as a student, my outfit is intended to please my mother.’
‘I hope it will do so. How are you feeling?’
‘Awful, I was so nervous that I was unable to put on my eye makeup this morning, my hand kept shaking.’
‘So I see. I have forty minutes before my next lecture, shall we go to the ladies and I’ll fix them for you?’
‘Yes please, if you would, but Carol has suggested that I tone things down just a bit today.’
Chatting to Lucy, whilst she fixed my makeup for me, together with her final reassurance that I looked fine was just what I needed to boost my confidence and help me pass the time before Mum’s arrival, which would otherwise have been spent at home worrying. I eventually arrived back at Carol’s flat half an hour before the appointed meeting with my mother, knowing that she sometimes arrived earlier than arranged. I would need the time to calm and compose myself before seeing her. I went to the kitchen and prepared some tea cups and a plate of biscuits which I’d brought with me. I heated the kettle, before sitting down to wait for her whilst going through in my mind how I was going to deal with the inevitable accusations and answer all her questions.
The intercom buzzed suddenly. I picked up the receiver.
‘Hello?’
‘Is that you Nicholas?’
I was tempted to say no, that it was Becky, but I didn’t want to get into a row straightaway with Mum if I could avoid it so I deliberately didn’t answer her question.
‘Do you know your way up to the flat, Mum?’ I replied in as calm a voice as I could manage.
‘Yes of course I do,’ she responded brusquely.
‘Come in then, I’ll put the kettle on,’ I said.
I pressed the button to let her in the front door of the block and propped open the front door of Carol’s flat whilst I went in to the kitchen to make the tea, knowing that this was what she always did at the arrival of any visitor. Two minutes later I heard her footsteps in the corridor followed by a knock at the open door.
‘Come in Mum,’ I called from the kitchen. ‘Sit down. I’ll be with you in a few seconds.’
I emerged carrying a tray containing the tea, and heard my mother draw in breath in surprise.
‘Hello Mum, it’s nice to see you,’ I said quietly, trying my best to look calm and sound nonchalant.
I didn’t risk kissing her on the cheek, as I normally would have done, but rather busied myself putting the tea tray down on a table, setting out the cups and pouring out two cups of tea, all the time frightened that my hands would start shaking.
She didn’t say anything until I handed her a cup and smiled.
‘Was your journey alright?’ I enquired.
She ignored my question.
‘Did you have to go to so much trouble to look like a girl?’ she asked sharply.
I blushed, but quickly regained my composure.
‘Yes, I did. It was important to me to look my best when we met for the first time,’ I said trying to sound sure of myself. ‘I wanted to demonstrate to you that I could look nice dressed as Becky and not just like a man in drag.’
She relented a little, seeing how nervous I was.
‘Those photos you sent had already shown me that,’ she said.
‘Yes but photos can easily be faked, I wanted to prove to you that I could successfully pass for a woman in broad daylight’
‘So I see,’ she said coolly. ‘Well there is no doubt of that, but what have you done to your voice?’
‘Nothing very much! You know I’ve always had a high pitched voice. I’ve been doing one or two exercises that they showed me at work to make myself sound a little more like a woman. At first I had to make a conscious effort to do so, but now it seems to come naturally to me’.
This reply didn’t seem to please her.
‘But why do you need to dress as a woman in the first place?’
I shrugged.
‘I tried to explain that to you in my letter. I suppose I might have pretended that it all began with my new job, but actually I’ve always felt this way for as long as I can remember. I just feel happier and more relaxed when I’m dressed liked this.’
‘You don’t seem particularly relaxed at the moment.’
‘No, but that’s only because you are on edge rather than me. If Carol or Lucy were here now instead of you then I’d be far more confident and relaxed.’
She took the hint and eased up a little.
‘Alright then, but please explain to me in what ways are you happier?’
I sighed.
‘I have more confidence in myself; I have more friends, a better job, and have earned more money over these last few weeks that I’ve been living as Becky than I ever did or ever was likely to do as Nick. When I wake up as Becky I feel happier and more ready to face the world. I enjoy choosing what clothes to put on and experimenting with my looks and makeup. I enjoy looking after my hair and the way it feels when I move. I also feel good when I receive admiring glances in the street, or small compliments from strangers. Nothing like that ever happened to me as Nick. I suppose you could sum it all up by saying that I enjoy being a girl.’
Once again, my answer didn’t appear to please her, but it was too late for me ever to back down.
‘But, Nicholas, you are not a girl, you are a young man. Where will it lead to if you start dressing and acting as a woman all the time?’ she asked.
Her continued reference to me as Nicholas annoyed me and made me even more determined. I shrugged my shoulders.
‘I’ve no idea at present. I’m just finding my way and following up any opportunities that are offered.’
‘What sort of opportunities?’
This conversation was going nowhere, it was time for me to get a grip.
‘For heaven’s sake Mum, let us have this cup of tea together in a civilized manner and then I’ll tell you everything and answer all your questions,’ I said.
She sighed, but appeared to be partially reconciled, at least to hearing me out.
Over the next hour and a half I carefully went through the entire story once again, repeating several of the things that I’d put in my letter, but this time I was able to answer all her questions as they occurred to her and offer her re-assurance that I had not gone mad and was not ruining my life. Her initial aggressive tone gradually softened and I realised that she was no longer as hostile and unsympathetic as she had been at first; she just wanted to know more detail about my new life. I didn’t disguise from her that I was enjoying the work, or that I enjoyed spending time as Becky at home, especially now that I’d plenty of clothes to wear. But this was only part of the story. I'd gained a level of self-confidence and self-respect that I'd not known before. I even invited her to come into my bedroom and showed her the extent of my new wardrobe. After a while the conversation seemed to be going a little better, so I decided to tell her about the extension of my contract and the offer of a place in the cabaret chorus in the spring.
We didn’t get into a discussion of my sexuality and so I saw no need to refer to it. I assumed she would have already discussed that issue with Carol and been re-assured that I was not having a relationship with a man.
‘But is it really necessary for you to live as a girl, full-time?’
‘No, strictly speaking it isn’t necessary, there are those among my colleagues who live as men and only change for work, but I am not one of them. I’m not doing this just to earn money or attract men; I’m spending my time as Becky because I feel that is who I really am.’
‘But why has this happened to you? Was it because you were raised by a single parent?’
I smiled, knowing that this would be one of her worries.
‘I really don’t think so; I felt the way I do before Dad left home.’
‘So what did we do wrong to make you like this?
‘You did nothing wrong, and there is nothing you could have done to change my nature,’ I said, and then gently added, ‘just as there is nothing you can do now.’
She sighed and became thoughtful.
‘I always half suspected there might be something like this. I remember thinking so once when you were a little boy, and you were watching Carol getting ready to go to a school dance,’ she said sadly.
‘I remember that occasion.’ I said quietly. ‘Mum, why didn’t you say something to me then? I would have told you how I felt.’
‘I suppose I was waiting for you to say something about it to me, but you never did so and I assumed that it was just a passing phase.’
I felt quite indignant that both my mother and my sister had noticed and yet neither of them had said anything.
‘I’ve wasted fifteen years of my life, living a lie. I don’t intend to do so any longer,’ I replied angrily.
Mum looked really hurt when I said that, and I felt sorry for her so I took her hand. She looked down at my manicured and polished finger nails, took a deep breath and then gave her considered opinion.
‘Well Nicholas, it is your life, I cannot tell you how to live it; I suppose you must do whatever brings you happiness.’
‘I know that Mum, but I hope I will also have your approval and support for what I’ve chosen to do.’
‘Of course, I will support and be proud you,’ she said, ‘as long as you are always honest with me. You are my so…, my child after all.’
I gave her a hug and kissed her cheek.
‘Thanks Mum, I was hoping you’d say something like that’.
She now looked a little more pleased.
‘Now that we’ve got that sorted, I suppose that I’d better tell you that you look lovely dressed as you are,’ she said.
‘Thank you, Mum, but there is just one other thing, please would you stop calling me Nicholas and start referring to me as Becky from now onwards.’
‘Alright then Becky, I think I can agree to that, but when will I be seeing my son Nicholas again? I love him just as much.’
I hesitated, wondering whether to avoid facing her with the truth, but I had just promised always to be honest with her.
‘I don’t know Mum. Nicholas and his past are locked in that trunk over there and I no longer have a key. The way I feel at the moment is that you won’t be seeing him again.’
She sighed.
‘In that case I’d better get used to having a second daughter.’
There was a tear in her eye, so I stood up and took her in my arms to give her a hug.
‘Mum, I do so hope you can be proud of me as your daughter.’
‘Of course I will.’
I could identify with her sadness — to be told by your child that her life to that point had been wasted cannot have been easy. I decided that I should try and lighten the conversation a little.
‘One thing, since I’ve been living as Becky it has brought me much closer to Carol who says she likes having a younger sister.’
I showed her Carol’s greetings card. Mum gave a sad smile as she read it.
‘In that case you had better both come down and stay with me over the Christmas holiday.’
‘I thought that you were worried about what the neighbours might think’ I said.
‘I wanted to see you and talk to you before I made up my mind, but as far as I’m concerned you may wear whatever you wish when you come to stay at my house. The neighbours can think whatever they like.’
‘Will you be telling Aunt Jill and Uncle Derek?’
(Aunt Jill was Mum’s younger sister and Lucy’s mother. She lived with Uncle Derek and their sixteen year old son in the neighbouring village of Oakley.)
‘Since their daughter already knows and appears to have played a significant role in your becoming a young woman, it would seem pointless trying to keep the information from them.’
I smiled.
‘I think you’re right; as far as I’m concerned the more people that now know about Becky the better.’
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In ancient times, when the box owned by the beautiful Pandora, the first mortal woman, was opened all the troubles of the world flew out and could never be put back. So what will happen when a trunk with the name 'Pandora Wilkins' Pandora’s Trunk
Chapter 17 Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Carol arrived home from work early, soon after 4.30pm, as she’d promised. She looked a little apprehensive as she entered the flat but found both Mum and I talking together in my bedroom in a civilized manner without tears or histrionics.
‘Well that’s a relief! I’m glad to see you are both getting on so well,’ she said. ‘Have you sorted out everything that you need to know now mum?’
Mum sighed.
‘I still don’t entirely understand, but I suppose we’re both alright now that I’ve had a chance to talk to your …’, she hesitated just for a second before continuing, ‘sister.’
I smiled in acknowledgment; Mum continued talking
‘Becky has shown me the card that you left for her, it was a nice thought, even though you both seem to have considered me to be an ogre,’ she continued.
Carol blushed, but I could see she was pleased that I’d shown the card to our mother.
‘It wasn’t that, Mum, we were just anxious that you would be disappointed with my decision.’
She didn’t answer, and it was clear that she was not yet completely reconciled to the change, although at least willing to make some effort to come to terms with the situation.
‘In fact we’ve just decided that we’re all going to spend Christmas together at Brome,’ I added, trying to lighten the atmosphere.
‘That’s a relief,’ Carol said. ‘I wouldn’t have known where to go for Christmas if you two had both insisted on spending it apart from one another. By the way, can you stay the night, tonight Mum?’
‘No, I’m booked to return on the 19.30 train from Liverpool Street, as I have to go into work tomorrow but I’m glad that I made the journey down.’
‘I’m glad you did as well, Mum, thank you for coming,’ I added.
‘If you can’t stay, why don’t we all go to Liverpool Street together now; we should have time for an early dinner in a restaurant before you leave.’
‘Alright then, it will be nice to have a meal with my two daughters.’
Carol looked across at me and smiled. I think we were both feeling relieved.
Over dinner Mum at last began to relax a little more in my company and both Carol and I responded accordingly. Mum now knew all there was to know about me and my new job, but it struck me that she did not seem to know much about Carol’s life in London so I steered the conversation in this direction. My sister was reasonably forthcoming but I noticed that she avoided any reference to her friend Geoff, and I certainly wasn’t going to betray her confidence. We in turn asked Mum about how things were in East Anglia and about various people that we knew in the village. We even got on to the subject of discussing clothes and Mum wanted to know where the beautiful dresses had come from which we’d all been wearing in the picture. I’d already told her all about how I’d come to purchase my new wardrobe, but now related the sequel to the story: about the mysterious ‘Pandora’s trunk’ which had been given to me as an afterthought. I did not, however, mention that it had been the opening of that trunk that had finally convinced me what I needed to do.
It occurred to me afterwards how different the conversation would have been, how much less warm and friendly, if it had been Nick rather than Becky who was present. At one point we discussed various members of our family, and Mum wanted to know whether Carol had spoken to our Dad recently, knowing that they still kept in touch with one another.
‘Yes, I talk to him from time to time. Last time I spoke I told him that Nick was staying with me and he expressed a wish to make contact again.’
‘I’m afraid that will no longer be possible,’ I said. ‘The last remains of Nick are now locked away in that trunk in my bedroom.’
‘You could always introduce yourself to him as Becky, I could prepare the way for you,’ she suggested to me.
I avoided responding to her suggestion, other than a curt ‘maybe’ as I wasn’t sure what I felt about that idea. Instead I sought to change the subject.
‘Will Aunt Jill and Uncle Derek and their family be coming on Christmas day Mum?’
‘Yes, I imagine so, it is my turn to have them over this year.’
‘In that case I’d better ask Lucy to explain the situation regarding myself to them, so they will have plenty of time to get used to the idea,’ I said.
‘Yes, I suppose so,’ she answered, now resigned to the seemingly inevitable fact that the news of my transition could not be limited to our immediate family.
After dinner, Carol and I saw Mum on to the train.
‘Thanks for coming today, Mum, I’ll see you in a few weeks,’ I said, this time not being afraid to give her a kiss on the cheek. ‘I’ll ring you as usual on Sunday afternoon, and from now on I promise to be open with you about what I am doing.’
‘Goodbye then …’ there was just the merest hesitation before she completed her sentence — ‘Becky.’
I smiled and looked away, struggling to prevent tears coming to my eyes.
‘Look after your sister for me,’ said Mum to Carol.
‘Don’t worry, I will,’ said Carol, smiling.
‘I will too,’ I added to Mum.
We waited until her train had left the station before making our way to the Underground.
‘I don’t think you could have expected that to have gone much better,’ commented Carol.
‘I suppose not,’ I replied, ‘but she still isn’t entirely reconciled.’
‘Just give her a little time to get used to the idea. By the way Becky, whilst you were in the ladies, Mum asked me if I knew whether you had a boyfriend or not,’ said Carol.
I sighed.
‘I’d assumed that would be the first question she asked you. I trust you re-assured her that I didn’t,’ I replied.
‘Yes and no,’ she answered. ‘I said that as far as I knew there was nobody on the horizon, but it would probably just be a matter of time before someone asked you out, given the way that you looked these days’.
‘What was her reaction to that?’ I asked, blushing slightly.
‘She just sighed and said, ‘oh well, what will be, will be’,’ said Carol.
‘Those are my feelings too,’ I said.
‘By the way, what happened to that guy who asked you out at the club a few days ago?’
‘I haven’t seen him since; I think he may have been embarrassed that I turned him down for a second time,’ I said.
‘So why did you turn him down?’
‘I’m not sure. I must admit that I was tempted but I’m still unsure of myself and how I would react if I went on a date with someone.’
Carol smiled.
‘I suppose that’s one of the advantages about being a woman, you’re not expected to take the initiative in these matters. You just have to wait and see what happens and then decide whether or not you want to take it any further,’ she answered.
‘I don’t think he is likely to ask me again, I said.
‘You never know’, she added. ‘If you do see him you will need to make a particular effort to notice and be nice to him and try and find a way of indicating that your situation is different now’.
‘We’ll see.’
‘At least you won’t be able to hide behind the excuse that you have nothing to wear anymore; you now have a more extensive female wardrobe than I do.’
It was now my turn to smile.
‘I guess so.’
I tried to think about a way to change the subject from men and going out on dates.
‘You said that you have spoken to Dad recently, how is he these days?’
‘He’s fine, he has remarried and now has two grown-up step children with children of their own, so he is a step-grandfather.’
‘I’m glad, for his sake. After all, he is not likely to be getting too many grandchildren from the two of us.’
‘No, I suppose not,’ said Carol, rather sadly.
For the first time I realised that this might be a source of regret for my sister, whom I’d always assumed had everything she wanted out of life. There was a moment of quiet before she spoke again.
‘You might consider the possibility of contacting him again; I’m sure he would welcome it.’
‘Even as Becky?’ I asked, somewhat surprised.
Carol thought for a moment before replying.
‘Yes, even as Becky’
‘I’ll think about it,’ I replied, unsure what to think.
As soon as I got home I rang Lucy to give her a long and detailed account of everything that had happened during my interview with Mum. I also gave her my permission to break the news of my transition and new life to her parents and her brother.
‘Once they know, it won’t be long before the news gets round the rest of the family and also maybe to others in the area. Are you sure you want it generally known?’
‘Yes, I realise that it isn’t likely to remain secret for long, but as I said to you, there will be no going back for me now.’
‘As you wish.’
Carol had been watching television in the same room whilst I spoke to Lucy.
‘If Aunt Jill and Uncle Derek are going to know, don’t you think that Dad should be told as well, before he hears from another source,’ she said as I put the phone down.
‘Alright, the next time that you speak to him you might just tell him that he now has a second daughter, and see how he reacts.’ I said. ‘If he doesn’t like it; then so be it.’
‘I’ll let you know how he takes the news,’ said Carol.
It was over a week since I’d first opened, and then resealed Pandora’s trunk, which now had pride of place in the bay window of my bedroom. During this time it had taken on the role of a talisman for me: something to give me confidence and to protect me from harm. I knew that as long as it remained in my possession and sealed I would be able to stand up to any opposition to my quest to become the woman I needed to be. It also gave me the inspiration to make relatively small changes to my living environment to reflect who I now was. Carol’s chosen décor for her flat could hardly be described as masculine, but it was somewhat Spartan and lacking a woman’s touch — perhaps a reflection of her focus on her work rather than her home. My recent window shopping expedition with Lucy, inspired me to go out spend some of my earnings on soft furnishings, bedding and new curtains to make my bedroom a little more feminine and comfortable - to reflect my new personality. When Carol saw what I’d done she expressed her approval and invited me to come up with some suggestions to improve the other rooms in the flat, at her expense, over the next few weeks. I promised to do so and to enlist Lucy’s help as soon as she had some free time.
My colleague Susie and I met up, as planned, in a coffee bar for an hour before we both started work on the Friday afternoon after Mum’s visit. She was three or four years older than me and pretty convincing as a woman, except for a slightly angular chin and the merest trace of an Adam’s Apple. Her breasts, however, were a work of art, entirely her own and the result of having taken female hormones for nearly three years. She liked to wear low cut tops to show them off. Strictly speaking, she was still physically a man, although on the waiting list for her SRS and simultaneously saving every penny she could raise to fund some facial feminization plastic surgery to remove those lingering traces of her former life. She was the most reserved among the female impersonators that worked at the club, but I’d always admired her because she seemed more of a true woman than others.
‘So, Becky, what can I do for you?’ she asked as we took our coffee to a table.
‘I want to become a real woman, like you, and not just be a drag queen.’
My response didn’t seem to surprise her.
‘Are you quite sure about that?’
She was looking straight into my eyes.
‘Yes, I’m absolutely sure. I’ve known this all my life, although I’ve only recently had the courage to admit it to myself.’
‘I suspected so. Although you have not been with us for long, it struck me from the outset that you were different from the others; that being a woman seemed to go to the heart of your being.’
I felt pleased that she’d noticed.
‘I’d thought the same about you,’ I replied.
She smiled, and I knew that from now onwards there would be a bond of friendship between us.
’So what steps have you taken so far, other than having secured a job in the club?’
‘I’ve told my family, acquired a female wardrobe and disposed of all the evidence of my former life. I won’t ever be going back.
‘Have you spoken to a doctor yet?’
‘No, that is going to be my next step.’
‘Alright, but don’t leave it for too long. You’re quite fortunate that the testosterone in your body has not yet done any damage to your appearance, as it was doing to me before I started taking blockers. However, it will do so unless you take some action to stop it.’
‘I was hoping that you might be able to put me in touch with a sympathetic doctor.’
‘I can certainly do that, but I should warn you there may be a delay if you are going as a National Health patient. You might consider taking testosterone blockers whilst you are waiting for an appointment. They won’t do you any harm or start any irreversible changes if you only take them for a few weeks. I’ve been taking them for several years now, and I’m no longer capable of having an erection or fathering children, but as far as I’m concerned that is a good thing and the sooner I get rid of it altogether the better.’
‘Where would I get these testosterone blockers from?’
She took a couple of foil sheets out of her bag and handed them to me.
‘You can take these over the next fortnight to get you started. I have built up a surplus over the years. I can also tell you how to get hold of some more without any questions being asked.’
I took them from her and popped one pill into my mouth to show I was serious.
‘What about female hormones?’
‘You can obtain oestrogen on the black market but you would be best advised to take it under medical supervision. It is difficult to get the dose exactly right; there would be unnecessary delays if you take too little and unpleasant side effects if you took too much. Also you will get quicker results if you begin the regime with hormone injections.’
‘Will your doctor prescribe them to me.’
‘I would imagine so, but only after you have been assessed by a clinical psychologist. You’ll first need to go to your G.P. and ask for a referral. However, from what I’ve seen of you over the last few weeks, I don’t think you will have too many difficulties in convincing a therapist that you are suffering from Gender Identity Disorder. Then it will be just a question of waiting your turn, unless of course you can afford to go as a private patient.’
‘No, I’m afraid that would be out of the question for me.’
‘In that case, Becky my dear, you’ll probably have to remain living and working as you are for a while, but you do make a very convincing young woman.’
‘Thanks, but now that I have taken the decision I am anxious to proceed as quickly as I can.’
Susie sighed, ‘I know, I felt just the same myself’.
She then changed the subject.
‘How have your family reacted to the news?’
‘I think my sister has come to terms with the situation, but it all came as quite a shock to my mother. I now wish that I’d spelled out to her how I felt as soon as I was able to do so.’
‘What about your father?’
‘I’m not sure whether he knows about me or not, but I haven’t seen him in several years.’
‘I told both my parents and my brothers that I wanted to be, or should have been born a girl many times during the course of my childhood, but nobody would ever believe me. I was told not to be silly and that I would soon grow out of it. But of course I never did. The feelings just got stronger as time went on,’ said Suzie rather sadly.
‘That must have been frustrating for you. How do they feel about you now?’
‘I suspect that my parents are still in denial about me, even though I now have these boobs. They’ve reluctantly accepted me and call me Susie but hang on to the vain believe that one day I’ll come to my senses. I suspect that they will do so until I turn up one day without a penis. I hope that then, at least, they will realise that I always knew what was right for me.’
‘It is difficult when those whom we love are unable to understand how we feel,’ I said, gently touching her hand to show my sympathy.
This was a small gesture that Nick would never have made, but seemed quite natural to me now.
We then moved on to discussing the official side of Susie’s transition. How she had gone about changing the gender on various documents, and how in due course she would register her change of gender. It was then time for us to start work.
‘Thanks so much, Susie, this talk has really been helpful to me.’
‘Anything to help a sister on her journey towards womanhood,’ she replied.
We embraced; not in the exaggerated and affected manner that our colleagues sometimes adopted, with air kisses, but rather in a genuine display of mutual solidarity.
‘I hope you are soon able to complete your own journey,’ I said
‘Me too; it will have been a long one, but well worth it. I hope to see you at the other end.’
![]() |
In ancient times, when the box owned by the beautiful Pandora, the first mortal woman, was opened all the troubles of the world flew out and could never be put back. So what will happen when a trunk with the name 'Pandora Wilkins' Pandora’s Trunk
Chapter 18 Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
During the last week of November and the first three weeks of December I used every opportunity when I was not working to make plans and preparations for my future life. I continued my researches on the internet and also registered with a local GP surgery under Nick’s name. I then telephoned to make an appointment to see a female doctor. I was inevitably a little anxious about what I would say to the receptionist when Becky turned up for Nick’s appointment, but they had a new automated system which enabled me to record my arrival in the waiting room using a terminal. It wasn’t until I saw the doctor and explained that I believed I was suffering from Gender Identity Disorder and asked to be referred to an appropriate therapist that I needed to explain anything. I was clearly not the first such patient that she had encountered, as she was entirely business-like and respectful in her dealings with me. She asked me a few questions about my background and my current working life, and whether I had discussed the matter with my parents, but it must have been plain to her that I was serious by the way I was dressed. She agreed to make the necessary referral and also made a note on my medical record that henceforth I would be using my chosen female name and that in future I would be referred to in my new gender by the practice staff. A few days later I received a letter, addressed to Becky, offering me an appointment early in January.
In the meanwhile, whilst waiting for my appointment, I continued taking the testosterone blockers and soon obtained a new three-month supply from the address given me by Susie. As a result of taking them I found it far easier to tuck my penis out of sight and I was no longer worried that I might accidentally become aroused at work.
I assumed that Carol had told Dad by this time, but she didn’t say anything about it on those few occasions we spent some time together and I chose not to ask. Presumably he had not reacted too well when he heard the news. I continued to speak to Mum every Sunday afternoon and answered all her questions as honestly and openly as I could but there were certain areas where we did not venture, such as my taking testosterone blockers. However, I did not try to hide from her the fact that I had seen my GP and would be seeking hormone therapy.
Christmas Day 2009 was due to fall on a Friday and the club would also be closed on Boxing Day. I would therefore have from the Wednesday morning until the Sunday evening off work. Carol also decided to have a break from her work and we agreed with Mum that we would travel up to stay with her in a hire car on the Wednesday evening and return to London on the Sunday morning. This would give us three full days in Brome.
‘I’ll collect the car whilst you are sleeping on Wednesday morning, Becky, and I’d like you to be ready to leave after lunch,’ suggested Carol.
‘But the drive will only take two and a half hours, won’t we arrive far too early if Mum’s going to be working?’
‘There may be heavy traffic, and in any event I have a couple of presents to deliver in the area first.’
I didn’t argue since Carol would be the driver and was also paying for the hire car.
‘Alright I’ll have everything packed and ready the day before.’
‘Have you decided what clothes you will be taking?’
‘Not yet. But at least I have plenty to choose from these days.’
‘Yes you certainly do, I get quite envious of your wardrobe sometimes.’
‘By the way, I’ve decided to give that blue strapless evening dress and the accessories to Lucy as a Christmas present, since she looked so lovely when she wore it a couple of weeks ago.’
‘I’m sure she will be very pleased with it.’
‘And you too, Carol, I can’t really afford to buy you anything expensive, but would you like the long black dress that you wore that night?’
‘That is very generous of you, Becky; you have already given me an expensive leather coat.’
‘I want to say a particular ‘thank you’ to both of you for everything that you’ve done for me over the last three and a half months. It will still leave me with two lovely long evening dresses, although I’ll need to grow some more convincing boobs before I can safely wear the lime green dress.'
‘In that case will you be taking your lilac dress with you to Brome?’
‘I hadn’t planned to so as I don’t think there will be a suitable occasion for me to wear it.’
‘I think you should take it along, just in case, together with the matching shoes and jewelry, you never know but there may be an opportunity.’
My last three nights at work were good fun as everybody seemed to be in a party mood. I even caught sight of Roger whom I hadn’t seen since I’d turned down his offer to take me to dinner. He was with a group of his friends, but I managed to sidle over to have a brief word.
‘Hello stranger, I’ve not seen you for a week or two,’ I said giving him the nicest smile I could manage.
He blushed slightly, but didn’t appear to mind my approaching him.
‘I know, I’ve been busy,’ he replied.
‘Are you doing anything exciting over Christmas?’ I asked in an effort to make conversation.
‘I’ll be spending it with my parents in Leicester. How about you, Becky?’
‘I’ll be in East Anglia. I’m not exactly looking forward as it will be my first Christmas at home as Becky, and I’ll have to face various relatives and neighbours. However, once it is over, maybe I can begin to sort out my life.’
I said the last sentence whilst looking straight into his eyes, hoping he might take the hint, in due course.
‘Well … Merry Christmas, then.’
‘And to you,’ I replied, and was about to leave, but one of his friends came up with a sprig of mistletoe, which he held significantly over our heads.
I suppose I could have slipped away as I usually would do in such circumstances, but on this occasion waited to see what would happen. After a moment’s hesitation Roger kissed me on the lips. However, he then became conscious of his friends looking on and so we soon separated.
‘See you after Christmas, Becky,’ he said quietly.
‘I hope so,’ I replied ‘but I really must now get back to work.’ With that I left, not knowing quite what to think about the incident.
I was packed and ready to leave by 12.30 the following day when Carol arrived with the hire car. After a brief sandwich lunch we’d loaded our suitcases and by 1.15 had joined the A1 road, heading northwards out of London. We chatted about our work and the fact that there seemed to be plenty of traffic on the road, although fortunately no significant hold ups. Thus by 3.00pm we’d reached the Bury St Edmunds by-pass, only thirty minutes’ drive from our destination. It seemed that we were going to be far too early as Mum wouldn’t be home until six. However, instead of taking the A143 towards Diss, we continued on the trunk road.
‘Where are we going, Carol?’ I asked.
‘Stowmarket; I need to deliver Dad’s Christmas present.’
I hadn’t thought to ask where Dad was now living since his second marriage.
‘Carol, I can’t go in to see him, dressed like this.’
‘I don’t see why not, you look fine to me.’
I was wearing a dark red georgette dress with matching high heeled shoes and handbag. As usual, my makeup and nail varnish had been carefully chosen to complement my outfit.
‘But I haven’t seen him in more than ten years. I won’t know what to say, and I’ve never met his new wife.’
‘I’ve already checked, Dad will be at home alone this afternoon, babysitting his two step-grandchildren whilst his wife and step daughter do some last minute Christmas shopping.’
‘But how is he going to react to seeing me dressed as a girl?’
‘Listen Becky, I have already spelled out to him that he forfeited any right he may once have had to tell you how to live your life on the day he walked out on you and Mum. This is his last chance. He either accepts the decisions that you have made about your life or else loses contact with you altogether.’
‘But I wasn’t expecting to meet him so soon. I haven’t brought him a gift or a Christmas card.’
‘Don’t worry, he won’t be expecting any gift from you. You’ll find a suitably worded Christmas card for you to sign in my handbag, together with a couple of small gifts for his grandchildren.’
The Christmas card proved to be one intended for a daughter to give to her father, and the gifts for a little girl and her baby brother were already wrapped, with a label for me to fill in my name. Clearly Carol had been planning the whole encounter for some time.
‘I really don’t know Carol, you have rather sprung this on me,’ I fretted.
‘Yes I have. Well you can sit out in the car if you wish to do so, but I assumed you’d have a little more courage than that.’
I would certainly have done if I’d had my talisman to hand, but it was not the sort of thing that could be carted around the countryside wherever I went. I remained silent as we turned off the main road and found ourselves in a 1970s housing development.
‘Well, Becky, what are you going to do?’
I took a deep breath: ‘Alright, do you have a pen to write the card and the labels with.’
‘You’ll find one in my handbag.’
We pulled up outside a neat semi-detached house and Carol led the way up the pathway. Dad had noticed our arrival and opened the front door before we had a chance to ring the doorbell.
‘Hi Dad, Merry Christmas!’ said Carol giving him a hug and a kiss.
Before he had any chance to respond, she added, ‘and this is Becky, your younger daughter.’
‘Hello Dad,’ I said quietly, whilst simultaneously blushing to the roots of my hair.
‘Hello …. Becky, you’ve certainly changed a lot since we last met,’ he said, taking my hand.
‘I guess so, but as far as I’m concerned the change has been for the better. I am far happier now than before.’
‘So I understand, from your sister.’
It was an awkward encounter. There was so much that we both might have said, so many questions we both might have asked, but somehow it didn’t seem to be the right time to ask them. But at least the ice had now been broken; we’d now met and spoken to one another without tears or recriminations. He invited us to go in and take a seat. Neither Dad nor I seemed to know what to say next. Carol came to the rescue. She had kept in touch with Dad both throughout her University career and afterwards and so proceeded to ask questions about his life and new family. After a little while of listening Dad left to put the kettle on and Carol offered to help. I used their absence as an opportunity to introduce myself and chat to his four year old step granddaughter, Ellie. I asked her to tell me the names of her dolls, and was happy to join with her game and take a part in her doll’s tea party. It was nice to be invited to enter in to her world as playing with dolls was something I’d never been able to experience as a child.
By the time they returned from the kitchen with the tea, I had Ellie on my lap reading her a story. It was at this point that her baby brother, who had been happily sleeping in a pram decided to wake up and exercise his lungs at full volume.
Both Dad and Carol looked on horrified.
‘He can’t be hungry as his mother fed him two hours ago before she left for her shopping trip,’ Dad said anxiously.
‘In that case there must be some other reason,’ I said lifting Ellie off my lap and picking up her brother.
The smell emanating from the baby’s lower regions indicated what the trouble was.
‘Do you know where your Mummy keeps Tom’s changing bag?’ I asked Ellie.
She went to the next room and returned with a bag containing everything I might need, and a changing mat.
‘Would you like to help me to change Tom?’ I asked her.
‘He smells bad,’ she replied.
‘I know but we are going to make him smell nice once again.’
‘Alright then,’ she said and handed me the various items necessary to dispose of his soiled nappy, clean him up, and replace it with a new one.
As soon as we had done so Tom ceased crying, and after a couple of minutes of cooing and gently tickling him we had him happily chuckling. After a further five minutes in my arms he was fast asleep once again so I gently laid him in his pram and returned to finish the story that I was reading Ellie. It was then that I noticed both Carol and Dad had been staring at me in amazement.
Dad’s new wife and her daughter returned from their shopping trip half an hour later to find that Ellie had become quite attached to her newly discovered aunt. I don’t know whether or not Dad had said anything to them about my background, but they both treated me without a trace of awkwardness. Tom’s mother thanked me for changing him, and Dad’s new wife invited us all to stay for tea. We turned down the invitation explaining that we were expected at Brome, but promised to call in next time we were in the area. We handed over the cards and presents and wished everybody a Merry Christmas. As we were leaving Dad had a quiet word with me.
‘Becky, I understand from your sister that you have Wednesday afternoons off work. I have to make deliveries to North London on Wednesdays and am usually finished by about 3.00pm. Maybe we could meet up sometime after Christmas and have a chat together.’
‘Alright, I’d like that,’ I replied, knowing that although it would take some time, with good will on both sides we should be able to repair our relationship.
‘I didn’t have a lot of notice that you were coming today but this morning I went out and bought you a pair of earrings,’ he continued, handing me a small jewelry case. ‘I hope they will be ok.’
The case was not wrapped, and so I assumed that I could open it without waiting for Christmas day. Inside was a neat looking pair of silver drop earrings. It was not a design that I would have chosen for myself, but it was the thought that mattered.
‘Thank you, Dad, they’re lovely. Would it be alright if I put them in straightaway.’
He looked pleased with my suggestion and so I quickly took out the ones I was wearing and inserted the new ones in their place. I then gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before we both took our leave.
‘I’m glad you forced me into visiting this afternoon,’ I said to Carol as we drove away.
‘So am I,’ she replied.
During the half hour drive from Stowmarket to Brome Carol said something that quite astounded me. It was said half in jest, but like many such comments, perhaps contained an element of truth.
‘There are times when I feel quite inadequate, compared to you, Becky.’
This was my successful elder sister speaking, who was always elegantly dressed, held down a challenging and responsible job, had her own flat and a healthy bank balance. How could she be envious of me who had almost nothing and would never be a fully functioning physical woman no matter how much I felt that I was one in my soul?
‘Whatever do you mean?’ I asked in surprise.
‘The way you made your bedroom so much more comfortable, and whoever taught you to be so good with young children?’
‘It’s not a question of being taught so much as a combination of instinct and common sense,’ I replied.
‘I think I must be lacking in both,’ she replied wistfully.
I didn’t answer, but clearly the matter remained on her mind.
‘When we get to Mum’s house, you will be far more helpful to her than me. It is not that I’m lazy and don’t want to help, but rather that you can see what needs to be done and get on with it without being asked. I was never expected to do any housework when I was a girl, just told to get on with my homework.’
‘I think Mum may have been in awe of your intellectual abilities, whereas by the time I was growing up there were only the two of us and so she was happy to show me what needed to be done.’
‘I think that was one reason why I didn’t come back to stay very often once I had left for University, and it was ultimately why Dad left. You two seemed to be getting on so well together.’
There was a moment’s silence whilst I took in what she had just said.
‘Carol, why don’t we volunteer to prepare the Christmas dinner together and leave Mum to entertain the guests for once?’ I would much prefer to be occupied when the guests arrive.
‘I would like to but, as I said, I wouldn’t know where to start.’
‘Well, if you are prepared to act as the kitchen maid and follow my instructions, I’ll keep an eye on the cooking.’
‘Alright, that’s a deal.’
We arrived at Mum’s house in Brome almost simultaneously with her returning from work.
![]() |
In ancient times, when the box owned by the beautiful Pandora, the first mortal woman, was opened all the troubles of the world flew out and could never be put back. So what will happen when a trunk with the name 'Pandora Wilkins' Pandora’s Trunk
Chapter 19 Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
As soon as we arrived at Brome on Wednesday evening we had a quick cup of tea with Mum, who had just returned from work. She then offered to start cooking us some dinner, but Carol suggested that she might drive over to Diss to buy a takeaway meal. Mum accepted the offer and during the forty-five minutes or so that my sister was gone she suggested to me that I should take my cases up to my former bedroom, offering to carry one for me. She seemed to welcome the opportunity for a chat.
‘You’ll find that I’ve made a few changes to your bedroom over the last four weeks, Becky: nothing too drastic, but just enough to make you feel a little more comfortable.’
It was clear that she’d removed Nick’s few remaining clothes from my wardrobes and also some of the more obviously ‘male’ features and furnishings from the room, replacing them with more feminine touches. Most of these were items that she already owned but had not used. Thus there was now a large illuminated mirror for me to put on my makeup, a grooming set with both hair and clothes brushes and also a manicure set on the dressing table. She’d gone to the trouble of changing the colour scheme of the bedding to a pastel green and included a vase of flowers to brighten up the room. She’d even thought to provide me with, a large box of tissues and another of cotton buds.
‘Thanks Mum, that was very thoughtful of you,’ I said giving her a kiss, and putting down my case.
I wondered, but didn’t like to ask, whether the former contents of the room had been disposed of altogether, or merely put in to storage somewhere.
‘I’ve been doing a lot of background reading over the last few weeks to try and learn more about transgenderism and understand what you’ve been going through, and indeed what will happen if you transition.’
‘Not if, Mum, I’ve already begun, at least in my mind.’
‘Alright then — as you transition,’ she continued. ‘I’ve also discussed the matter with your aunt and several of my friends. It has not been an easy time for me, and has involved me re-visiting some painful memories, but I can now see that your childhood must also have been difficult for you.’
‘I’ve always known that you loved me, Mum.’
‘I know that, but love on its own isn’t enough. I should have made more of an effort to understand and empathize with you.’
‘And I should have made more effort to enable you to do so but I was always so afraid of being honest with you.’
‘You were just a child and I was the adult: I should never have let you feel frightened to be honest with me,’ she said sorrowfully. ‘But I promise that in future I’ll do my best to accept you in your new chosen identity.’
‘That is all I’d ask of you Mum.’
We hugged one another and stayed silent for a while, each with our own memories of the past and thoughts about the future. At last I changed the subject, raising another issue that was on my mind.
‘How would you feel if Carol and I took over responsibility for the Christmas meal?’
‘But your Aunt and her family will be coming. I know that you can cook, but I’m not sure that I’d trust your sister in my kitchen.’
‘One thing that I’ve discovered recently, Mum, is that perhaps Carol would have preferred to have been treated less like a child prodigy and more like an ordinary little girl.’
‘That is what her father used to say, but I suppose I was too anxious for her to make the most out of her intellectual abilities and to have the educational opportunities that I never had.’
‘Carol has undoubtedly succeeded in doing that, but she may also have lost out on some of life’s ordinary pleasures along the way.’
‘Do you think so?’
I nodded.
‘So why not leave all the Christmas cooking to your two daughters. I’ll make sure that there are no disasters.’
She sighed and looked sad.
‘Alright then.’
I discovered one other thing later that evening when I had cause to collect something from Mum’s bedroom. She always used to keep framed photographs of her children on her dressing table, but had replaced them with a framed photograph of both Carol and myself wearing our posh dresses, which we’d sent to her in November.
On Christmas Eve Carol and I had a lot of fun together making and decorating a chocolate sponge ‘Yule Log’, and then icing and decorating the Christmas cake that Mum had already made. In fact Carol discovered that she had quite a flair for cake decoration and promised herself to do some more at home in the New Year. We then trimmed the Christmas tree together whilst Mum went out to do some last minute shopping. As I’d expected to be working in the kitchen for much of the day, I’d chosen to dress myself quite plainly and with a minimum of makeup and jewelry. In fact, for the first time in nearly three months I actually chose to wear a pair of jeans, albeit ones designed for a woman. Carol, on the other hand, had put on a denim skirt. I looked both clean and tidy but Mum seemed a little disappointed that I’d not bothered to change when she came back.
‘I trust you two will smarten yourself up when our visitors arrive tomorrow. I’ve been telling your Aunt Jill how nicely you both dress.’
‘You can’t expect us to wear dresses all the time, Mum,’ said Carol, coming to my defence.
‘Don’t worry, I may begin by wearing jeans tomorrow morning but I promise to put on a dress and some makeup before the guests arrive,’ I said, comparing her comments with what she’d said to me on the first occasion she saw me as Becky.
‘Good, but I was also wondering whether the three of us might go to the Carol Service at St Mary’s tonight.’
‘But Mum, you don’t usually go to church at Christmas,’ commented Carol.
‘I know, but I just thought that on this occasion it might be nice for the three of us to go out together.’
Carol was right, but it occurred to me that this might be Mum’s opportunity to ‘show off’ her new daughter to the village, as I was sure that by now most of her neighbours would have heard about my transition.
‘Alright, but I’m going to need an hour or so to sort out my hair and get myself ready,’ I said.
‘Off you go then, Becky, your sister and I can prepare the tea tonight. It will give me a chance to have a chat with her.’
The idea of my appearing in public dressed as a girl in front of so many people that had previously known me as Nick, had been the subject of both one of my regular daydreams and also of my nightmares as a little boy. I thought of this as I put on my dark red dress and shoes once again with some matching lipstick. The dress had a fairly low neck and so I created the appearance of a convincing cleavage by using duct tape to hold my breasts together and then padding them underneath. As I got myself ready I wished that I had ‘Pandora’s trunk’ to hand to give me the confidence that I needed, but realised that I was going to have to go through this evening without the benefit of any such props. I told myself that I would at least have my sister and my mother to accompany me this time.
As things turned out, the carol service itself proved to be nowhere near as stressful as I’d assumed it would be. There were undoubtedly a few quizzical glances and one or two knowing ones from nearby members of the congregation as we walked in and took our pews towards the rear of the church, but there was no discernible sign of hostility or derision. In no time we were happily singing along with everyone else. On the other hand, the period immediately after the service was a little more awkward for me. The congregation had been invited to eat mince pies and have mulled wine or fruit juice. In no time both my sister and my mother were busy chatting to people that they knew. I continued to be aware of subtle glances rowards me and also one or two awkward and slightly embarrassed nods from those who’d previously known me as a boy; they clearly didn’t know what to say to me. I was just beginning to feel uncomfortable when I was approached by Emily, the seventeen year old daughter of one of our neighbours and the sister of one of my school friends.
‘Hi, I understand we are to call you Becky from now on.’
‘That’s right. It’s nice to see you again, Emily,’ I replied, relieved that at last someone seemed willing to talk to me.
‘I must say you look really great in that dress’
‘Thank you very much. You’ve grown up a lot yourself since I last saw you.’
‘Thanks, I shall be telling my brother that he missed a real treat by not being here to meet you tonight.’
‘Does Will know all about me then?’
‘Becky, everybody knows about you; you’re quite the village celebrity at the moment. I suspect that half of the congregation is only here to catch a glimpse of you. But don’t worry, now that you’ve shown your face in public they’ll soon have other things to worry about.’
‘Why didn’t Will come tonight?’
‘He said that he wouldn’t know what to say to you. He caught a glimpse of you when you arrived with your sister last night and I suspect that he’s worried that he might end up fancying you. Guys have such a hang-up about their sexuality and gender identity, don’t they?’
‘I suppose they do,’ I replied, laughing.
‘Now Becky, I want you to tell me all about living in London and your job, its sounds really glamorous.’
So that was it, for the next ten minutes I had a new friend to talk to and so was unaware of the reactions of those around me until it was time to leave. We had exchanged email addresses and agreed to become friends on Facebook.
‘Why don’t you call round for a coffee on the afternoon of Boxing Day? Mum and Dad will be out visiting, but I’ll make sure that my brother is home. I suspect that he would really like to meet you again but is just a little nervous.’
‘Alright I might just do that.’
Mum, Carol and I returned home soon afterwards and I chatted to Lucy on the phone and told her about my recent meeting with Dad and also how I’d got on at the Carol Concert. She’d been back in East Anglia for nearly a week.
‘You won’t need to worry about the reaction of my Mum and Dad and brother when we come over tomorrow. I’ve had a long talk with them all and told them exactly how they are to behave towards you. Woe betide anyone who says a word out of line.’
‘How did you mother react the first time you told her about Becky?’ I asked.
‘Funnily enough, she wasn’t as surprised as I’d expected. Perhaps you have been unconsciously giving out signals about your gender identity for some time past. Of course Dad and my brother Jack were both astounded, but they’re only guys and so are unlikely to notice any such things.’
Carol and I got up really early on Christmas Day so that we could start the turkey cooking slowly and prepare all the vegetables that would be needed. The Christmas puddings had been made by Mum some time before, and the brandy butter by Carol the previous day. Mum joined us for a light breakfast during which we exchanged our Christmas gifts. Both my sister and Mum realised that I didn’t have a lot of disposable income, and most of what I did have was going to be required to fund my transition, and so were happy to receive gifts from among the items I’d acquired from the house in Cricklewood. In my sister’s case it was the long black dress from Pandora’s trunk, and in the mother’s case it was a Victorian jet necklace that I knew she would like. I was the last to open my two parcels which couldn’t have been more unlike one another in size and weight. I began with the one from my mother which was both large and heavy.
‘A sewing machine!’ I said with genuine surprise and delight. ‘That’s great, Mum! Thank you very much.’
‘Carol suggested the idea to me. I understand that you’ve been taking an interest in fabrics and soft furnishings recently.’
‘Yes, and I’m hoping to teach myself how to sew, and maybe in time to design and make my own clothes,’ I replied.
‘If you like I’ll give you an introductory lesson tomorrow,’ answered my mother who was an accomplished dressmaker.
‘I should like that,’ I replied.
Carol’s gift to me proved to be a neat, but not particularly expensive locket on a chain. But inside the box there was a note:
Dear Becky,
This locket is merely a token present; something to hand to you on Christmas Day. My main gift will be to pay for your psychological assessment and hormone regime over the next twelve months, as a private patient. That way there need be no unnecessary delays in achieving your objective. You will be able to begin as soon as you and your therapist consider you are ready. Good luck on your journey! With much love,
Carol.
‘Oh Carol, what can I say? You’ve been so good to me over the last three months,’ I said beginning to cry.
‘It has been a pleasure to discover that I have such a lovely younger sister,’ she replied smiling.
Mum now intervened.
‘You two have done all the important work regarding the food preparation, and everything else is ready, so why don’t you both now go and get changed whilst I keep an eye on things?’
‘I can be ready in a few minutes, but remember, Becky, that you promised to leave yourself enough time to look your best before Aunt Jill and her family arrived,’ said Carol.
‘Alright,’ I agreed as I needed to look good to give me the confidence to face my relations for the first time.
I’d brought with me a rather sleek and stylish coral pink ‘occasion dress’ to wear on Christmas Day. It had short cap sleeves and a round neckline embellished with black embroidery. It was made of a stretch fabric which tended to show off my body shape, and although the colour suited me I’d previously been a little hesitant about wearing it in case it divulged too much information about what was between my legs. However, having now been taking the hormone blockers for three weeks I no longer had any concerns in that respect. I planned to wear it with black patent heels and a matching clutch bag. As usual I also ensured that both my lipstick and nail varnish matched the colour of the dress and that my eye makeup, earrings and a mock coral necklace complemented it.
Mum seemed to approve of my chosen outfit when I returned to the kitchen, but insisted that I put on one of her aprons to protect my clothes. It was a novelty apron with the words ‘Queen of tarts’ and a picture of a cupcake on the front. My sister was already wearing one with the words ‘Don’t mess with the cook!’
Carol and I were basting the turkey when the guests arrived. We briefly emerged from the kitchen to say hello to everybody.
‘Hi Carol, hi Becky, Merry Christmas!’ said Lucy in an attempt to break the ice.
I could see that Aunt Jill seemed to be quite impressed by my appearance but that Uncle Derek was unsure what to say to me. Cousin Jack seemed to be in a state of shock with his mouth wide open.
‘Please would you excuse Becky and me as we’re just sorting out the meal,’ said Carol.
‘I’ll come with you to see if I can do anything to help,’ said Lucy, leaving the other members of her family to be entertained by Mum.
‘How have things been going?’ asked Lucy, as she busied herself taking things from the kitchen through to the dining room and directing her younger brother to help lay the table.
‘So far so good,’ I replied.
‘Becky has been showing me how to cook and carve a turkey,’ added Carol, sounding quite pleased with herself.
Ten minutes later everything was ready and Carol and I at last removed our aprons.
‘You two look so nice, I now wish that I’d decided to dress up a little more,’ said Lucy.
‘You look fine just as you are,’ I replied.
We all sat down to an excellent family Christmas dinner and everyone seemed to be going out of their way to be friendly and talkative. Inevitably there were some topics which were best avoided, at least on this one occasion. Jack did make a brief fleeting reference to ‘Nick’ at one point but I suspect it was a genuine slip of the tongue rather than an attempt to make me feel uncomfortable. Lucy gave him a look that would have set off the smoke alarm if we’d been in the hall, and he went bright red, but the incident was quickly smoothed over and the conversation continued as before.
‘I must say that you do look nice in that colour, Becky, it really suits you,’ said my Aunt.
‘Thank you very much,’ I replied, smiling.
‘Becky is one of those fortunate people where several colours schemes seem to suit her. You should have seen her in the lilac evening dress, when we had dinner together back in November,’ commented Lucy.
‘Yes, I’ve been shown the photographs; in fact all three of you looked nice on that occasion.’
![]() |
In ancient times, when the box owned by the beautiful Pandora, the first mortal woman, was opened all the troubles of the world flew out and could never be put back. So what will happen when a trunk with the name 'Pandora Wilkins' Pandora’s Trunk
Chapter 20 Copyright © 2013 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
After lunch we moved from the dining room to the lounge and there was a further exchange of small gifts between ourselves and our visitors. I was gratified that everything given to me was specifically aimed at Becky — no doubt this was at Lucy’s insistence. Eventually it was my turn and I handed over inexpensive gifts to my Aunt, Uncle and Cousin Jack.
‘Lucy, you’ve been so good to me over the last three months, that I’d like you to have the blue strapless evening gown that you wore at that dinner, together with all the accessories to go with it.’
I handed over a parcel containing the dress, the shoes, underwear and jewelry.
‘I can’t possibly accept all this Becky, they are far too expensive.’
‘I won’t be able to wear that outfit for at least a year or more, until I have developed some genuine breasts of my own, and you did look so lovely when you wore it last time,’ I continued.
I noticed that Uncle Frank flinched momentarily as I mentioned nurturing my own breasts, but I was now feeling quite confident in my future as Becky.
‘So please accept the outfit. As you know, I now have plenty of other nice clothes to wear.’
Lucy seemed undecided and looked around as if seeking re-assurance as to what she should do. Aunt Jill smiled and nodded.
‘Well, if you’re sure, thank you very much’ Lucy continued beginning to open the parcel and to hold up the dress for everyone to see.
‘Why don’t all three of you change into your ‘posh frocks’ for the evening whilst the rest of us do the washing up?’ suggested Mum.
‘Oh yes, I’d love to see the girls dressed in all their finery,' added Aunt Jill.
The word ‘girls’ came so naturally to her, without a moment’s hesitation or a trace of irony that I was minded to accept the suggestion and I suspected that the others would be happy to wear their dresses once again. But on the other hand, Carol and I had promised to take responsibility for preparing and serving our evening meal, although I had to admit that most of the work had been done. Mum noticed my hesitation and quietly spoke in my ear.
‘Go on Becky, it’ll give us oldies a chance to talk about you whilst you’re getting changed.’
‘It won’t take me long to get changed,’ added Carol but you and Lucy can take your time and show us just how good you both can look.’
‘What do you think, Lucy, shall we get changed into our frocks?’
She smiled.
‘Alright, let’s go for it.’
Carol used her own bedroom to get changed, but Lucy and I shared mine and we helped one another to get ourselves ready and fix our hair.
‘You’re going to need to change the colour of your nail varnish, Becky, would you like me to do it for you,’ said Lucy.
‘Yes please, and then I’ll help you with yours.’
I spread out my fingers to enable her to remove the existing coral red lacquer and replace it with the lilac.
‘This will be the third different colour of nail varnish that I’ve worn in three days,’ I commented.
‘It is hard work being a girl, isn’t it,’ said Lucy, smiling.
‘Yes, but it’s also good fun as well,’ I replied.
‘So, no regrets then?’ she asked.
‘Absolutely not! My decision to live as Becky has been the best thing I’ve ever done. By the way, Carol is going to fund the cost of my psych assessment and hormone regime.’
‘Yes, I know. She discussed the idea with me a little time ago. She asked my opinion as to whether she would be doing the right thing for you or whether it was encouraging you to make permanent changes to your body which you might one day regret.’
‘So what did you say to her?’
‘That, as far as I could see, it would be the best possible gift she could ever give you. In any event, the whole purpose of the psychological evaluation would be to ensure that you were fully aware of, and had thought through, the implications of what you were planning to do before you began.’
‘Thank you for saying that, Lucy.’
‘I was only saying what I thought to be true. Anyone who has had had any dealings with you over the last three months must be able to see that you should have been born a girl — in fact that you are a girl with a few hormone and plumbing issues that need sorting out.’
I smiled.
‘I certainly feel like a woman.’
‘Of course you do and you look like one as well.’
I didn’t respond, but watched as my cousin continued painting my nails and felt contented about my new life. I knew that I’d only just begun my journey and there would be many difficulties and some disappointments ahead, but at least I’d now taken control of my destiny, and that felt good.
‘Becky, I’ll need to write up a case study for my psychology course next term. If I may, I should like use your story, although I promise to protect your anonymity.’
‘What will it involve?’
‘I’d like to interview you in some depth about your earliest memories of wanting to be a girl; your feelings about it during your childhood and who you told about it. I’d also like to know about your first experiences of adopting the female role; how you felt and how you came to live and work as a woman. I need to talk about your plans for the future and how your parents and siblings have reacted to the news of your transition.’
[Author’s note: I am sure my readers will realise that Lucy’s notes made three years ago, and subsequently enhanced by me at the suggestion of my therapist, have formed the basis of this story.]
I smiled.
‘Since you both encouraged and assisted me in the early days, I don’t think I can very well refuse: of course you may go ahead and write about me.’
‘Good, in that case I’ll be getting in touch soon after the New Year. But I trust that I didn’t have any fundamental influence on your decision to transition and live as a woman?’
‘No, not really; I actually think it was the opening of ‘Pandora’s trunk’ that caused me to make the irrevocable decision to live as a woman.’
‘No doubt I’ll be mentioning that you believe this to be so in my write-up, but of course I’ll retain an appropriate academic scepticism and detachment.’
I held up my hands whilst my nails were drying.
‘I’m not really a believer in the supernatural, but it is almost as if that trunk and the clothes that it contained have some magical property. They seem to provide me with a profound sense of confidence in myself as a woman and the rightness of my decision.’
‘In that case I hope this dress that you’ve given me will do the same for me. I need to break the news to my parents that I don’t intend to return to East Anglia when my degree is finished next summer but rather to apply for funding to continue to research for a PhD.’
‘I don’t mind acting as your undergraduate case study, but I wouldn’t want you to base your PhD on me,’ I said laughing.
‘Don’t worry, I wouldn’t put you through that; but I must admit though that observing you over the last three months has caused me to take an interest in the psychology of gender identity. There is so much that we don’t yet understand.’
‘I’ll be interested to know what you discover in due course.’
Lucy and I spent nearly an hour and a half in helping one another to get ready before we came downstairs. Carol had taken only half of this time and undoubtedly looked smart and sophisticated in her long black dress. However, we had the advantage of youth on our side and both looked and felt like a couple of princesses. Both Uncle Frank and Cousin Jack’s faces displayed their surprise and admiration as we entered the room. Carol also looked happy for us and both Mum and Aunt Jill looked on with obvious pride at how lovely their respective daughters could look.
The remainder of our Christmas Day went well with everybody entering in to the spirit of the celebration. During the remainder of the afternoon and the evening I found the confidence to speak with each member of Lucy’s family and to be open and honest in my answers to any questions about my future. After his minor faux pas earlier, Cousin Jack went out of his way to be as polite and respectful towards me as he could. I even engaged in a little mild flirting with him, and once he’d gotten over the initial shyness and awkwardness associated with any sixteen year-old, he was happy to have his photograph taken with his arms round both myself and his sister.
The evening meal was in the form of a buffet. Carol and I had already done most of the preparatory work and so it was just a question of laying out the dishes and letting people help themselves. I didn’t bother too much about eating as I was happy enough just to circulate among the guests and I didn’t want to risk dropping food on my lovely dress. I noticed that Lucy engaged in a serious conversation with both her parents at one point, so perhaps I was right about the effect of wearing that dress had on her self-confidence. I also later noticed Carol deep in conversation with Mum, although, at the time, the significance didn’t register.
Our guests left just before midnight and Mum insisted that she would quickly clear up the worst of the mess downstairs, whilst Carol and I could go and get changed out of our gowns. I was just about to begin doing so when there was a knock on my bedroom door. It was my sister.
‘May I have a talk, Becky?’
‘Yes, of course, please come in and take a seat on the bed.’
‘I’ve just told Mum all about Geoff, and the fact that although I love him, he is married and has a young family, and also that he’s never likely to leave his wife.’
‘I see; so how did she react?’
‘Much better than I’d thought. She wasn’t judgmental. She just said that she’d always love and support me; that I must do whatever I thought was right but that I should also think very carefully before I did anything which might cause the breakup of a family and the loss of a father to young kids. She said that she now accepts that the breakup of her own marriage was partly her fault; there was more she might have done to save it. She tells me that she now feels sorry, especially that you were brought up without a father.’
‘She needn’t do so. I had a reasonably happy childhood apart from having to hide my true gender identity. I’m sure that it had nothing to with my wanting to live as a girl. But what made you suddenly decide to tell her?’
Carol sighed.
‘I’ve been unsure what to do for some time; I’m nearly 34 and I want a family, and I’m not prepared to wait around for Geoff to make up his mind. Yesterday morning I wasn’t intending to say anything to Mum and didn’t know what I was going to do. However, as I was changing into this dress after lunch I began to see a way forward.’
‘What is that?’ I asked.
‘I’ve just ditched all my contraceptive pills and tomorrow I intend to write and tell Geoff what I’ve done. If we continue to meet and have sex and I fall pregnant, then he will have to take financial responsibility to help me bring up our child as a single mother. He is easily able to do so as he already earns substantially more than I do. As long as he does so, he may have regular access to our child, and I’ll not seek to undermine or disrupt his marriage in any way. If, on the other hand, he decides that he doesn’t wish to continue our relationship, then so be it, I’ll pay for artificial insemination from a sperm donor. Either way I hope to be pregnant by the time I’m 35.’
‘But what about your job?’
‘I’ll be able to take maternity leave, although I’d also hope to resume my career afterwards. So I shall be looking for an au-pair whom I can really trust when the child is born and for the first few years. From what I saw the day before yesterday I was wondering whether you might be interested in such a job? Of course I’d pay you the ‘going rate’ and we could move to a more child-friendly location, if you wish.’
‘Really!’ I said in some surprise.
‘Yes, I am quite serious.’
‘In some ways that could fit in with my plans,’ I responded after a moment’s thought. ‘Although I’m grateful to the Club for providing me with an opportunity to live as Becky, I don’t really see my future as a drag queen. I’d intended to leave after a few months and to try and find a job which matched my new identity.’
‘Working as an au-pair might be good for you as it would give you a certain amount of flexibility whilst you are undergoing your transition,’ my sister suggested.
‘In the longer term, though, I’d also like to resume my education. The London College of Fashion runs a number of part-time courses for dress designers which might suit me.’
‘Well, let us hope things work out for both of us.’
On Boxing Day, I dressed casually with a pink sweater, trousers and a minimum of make-up. Carol, on the other hand, dressed quite smartly as she had previously arranged to visit a former school friend in Norwich who had recently given birth to a baby. I suspected that she may have also welcomed the forty minute drive away from Mum and myself to think about her own future. I therefore spent the morning at home with Mum learning how to set up and use the sewing machine that she’d bought for me. We soon found that we were getting on well together and ultimately we were both quite pleased with my first efforts.
‘Becky, I’m so sorry that I appeared angry and disappointed when I first learned of your decision to live as a woman. I can see now that you are only fulfilling your destiny and being the person you should always have been.’
‘You really don’t need to apologise, Mum. It was a difficult changeover for us all to make. I’ve seen over the last few days how you’ve gone out of your way to make things easier for me.’
‘Maybe, but I wish we could have been more honest with one another many years ago,’ she said wistfully. ‘I would have really enjoyed teaching one of my daughters how to sew.’
‘It is not too late, Mum. We don’t live that far away from one another. There will be times when I can come and stay here and also when you can come to visit the two of us,’ I replied.
‘I hope so,’ she replied. ‘
Carol returned in time for a traditional Boxing Day lunch of cold meat.
‘What are you planning to do this afternoon, Becky?’ she asked.
‘I promised to call on Will and his sister but I’ll only be there for an hour or so.’
‘I trust you’ll be changing into a dress and putting on some make-up before you go,’ added Mum, and I realised that I had been completely accepted as her daughter.
‘I think that I’m going to get changed as well,’ announced Carol. ‘I’m going to wear that long dress that you gave me, Becky, as it seems to give me the confidence I will need to write to Geoff.’
On this occasion I didn’t need to wear my long dress from ‘Pandora’s trunk,’ as I’d been gradually developing the self-confidence and self-esteem that I needed to be able to live as Becky. As a result, my meeting with my former schoolfriend and his sister went well. After the merest trace of awkwardness, we were soon laughing together about events in our childhood and I came away thinking that I would no longer need to be anxious about meeting anyone who’d known me from my past.
Carol and I had to leave Brome after breakfast on Sunday morning to give me enough time to get ready for my work that evening.
‘Thanks Mum, for everything; it has been a great Christmas,’ I said as we hugged before we were about to leave.’
‘Thank you, girls, this has been the best Christmas I’ve had for a long time.’
‘There’s going to be a lot for us both to think about for the New Year,’ added Carol to me as we were driving away.
So that pretty well takes my story to the end of 2009, which is the point where I’d decided to end this first volume of my autobiography. This was the year that saw the beginnings of the many far-reaching changes that have taken place in my life since. That was the year in which my relationships with my parents, my sister and my cousin all changed for the better as I began to understand whom I really was. No doubt other volumes may appear in years to come as I pass on through life. I still own ‘Pandora’s trunk’, which remains unopened in my bedroom as a reminder to me of the person I used to be, but my childhood and adolescence now seem so distant and almost as if they happened to another person. I do still wear some of the lovely clothes that the trunk used to contain, especially if I have to attend any formal function, as wearing them always gives me more confidence in myself as a woman.
[Postscript]
Upon reflection, the first sentence of the previous paragraph isn’t entirely true. There was just one other conversation that took place in 2009 which is worthy of record, and which I now give below.
According to my usual rota, I was not due to work on New Year’s Eve, which fell on a Thursday, but I volunteered to do so as my new friend Susie had been surprised to receive an invitation to a New Year’s party from one of her brothers. It had been addressed to her using her femme name and she was anxious to accept as she felt it might represent a thawing of relations between them. As a result, I found myself serving behind the bar at the club at about 11.00pm.
‘Hello Becky, did you have a good Christmas?’ asked Roger, who’d approached without my noticing.
‘Yes thanks,’ I answered smiling. ‘How about you?’
‘Not too bad, thanks! So did you manage to sort out your life?’
I smiled.
‘Oh that’s a task that is likely to take me some time yet, but I feel I’ve made a good start. How about you, Roger, have you made any New Year’s resolutions?’
‘Yes; I am going to think carefully before I ask anyone out for dinner again,’ he answered going a little red.
‘Oh! that’s a pity because one of my New Year’s resolutions is going to be that I won’t automatically turn down any guy that asks me out to dinner in future, …. especially if I like him.’
As I said the final phrase I looked into his eyes.
‘Does that mean that if I were to ask you out to dinner once again you might accept?’ he asked, looking both surprised and hopeful.
‘Well, of course 2010 and my New Year’s resolution don’t begin for another hour yet; but I hope you’ll think that I’m worth the wait!’ I replied, smiling.
‘Your brother is not a sociopath — he’s just a little shy that’s all,’ she replied. ‘I know he can be hard work at times, but I’m getting anxious about him now that the summer holidays are about to begin. He doesn’t seem to have any friends since Martin and his family moved away from the village in March.’
‘Exactly — he’s a sociopath. Why can’t he enjoy some of the things that other boys do? At least then I might get to meet some of the elder brothers of his friends, rather than being known as the sister of the ‘Village Nerd’. It is difficult enough to meet decent looking boys in this God forsaken place as it is.’
Mum sighed and didn’t press the issue as she knew that she was going to require my co-operation during the summer holidays. Maybe Joe isn’t quite a sociopath, but even when he did have a friend they used to spend all their time on their computers but never doing anything remotely interesting like playing games or downloading music.
We live in Rusper a village not far from Gatwick Airport in southern England. I am sure there are worse places to live but there are only a few teenagers locally, and we have to go to secondary school in Crawley which is four miles away. Unlike my brother, I have lots of girl friends of my own age (sixteen), but most of them, including my best friend Sue, live in Crawley. Sue has a twin sister, Karen, although they are not very like one another. Karen’s best friend is Denise, whose parents are quite wealthy. They live in a big house in Ifield which is mid-way between Rusper and Crawley. The four of us are currently preoccupied with preparing for a costume convention at the end of the month. The organisers have taken over a hotel in the Midlands for a weekend, and the participants are expected to wear fancy dress costumes relating to the theme of the convention.
‘So what is this convention all about?’ Mum wanted to know, when I’d asked whether I could go.
‘The theme this year is ’the nineties’’ I replied. ‘There’ll be prizes for the best song and dance acts from the 1990s, and also for the best costumes from the 1890s. It was Denise’s idea that we should all attend and her parents have bought her a lovely long dress to wear for the costume parade.’
‘I won’t be able to buy you any expensive costume.’
Life has been a struggle for Mum, as a single parent, but things have begun to get better since she has begun to work full-time.
‘I know: the rest of us poor souls will just have to make do as best we can for Saturday night. However, Sue and I are keen to go in for the song and dance competition on the Friday night and the others have agreed to help us. We’re going as a typical 1990s girl group based on the ‘Spice Girls’. We’ve worked out a routine and have a karaoke version of one of their records. We are going to call ourselves ‘Angelica’ and we’ve been helping one another to make suitable outfits. Denise’s mother is going to loan us different coloured wigs for the show,’ I replied.
‘I thought that there were five ‘Spice Girls?
‘There were, at first, but after 1998 there were only four of them, but in any event we’re just basing our act on them, not copying outright.’
‘What about your accommodation?’
‘I’ll be sharing a hotel room with Sue, and Karen will share with Denise. I have been saving up out of my pocket money.’
‘How are you intending to get there?’ she asked.
Denise’s mother has agreed to drive the entire group of us to the hotel in her six-seater car, together with ‘Aunt Jean’, they will be sharing a room as well.
(I should have explained that Aunt Jean is Sue and Karen’s mother, who is also quite friendly with my mum.)
‘I would trust Jean to keep an eye on you and the twins and make sure you don’t get themselves into trouble, so I suppose you can go, but I’m going to need your co-operation in return.’
‘In what way?’ I asked suspiciously.
‘I’m going to have to leave on Sunday afternoon to travel up to Manchester to get ready for an exhibition on Monday morning, so I’ll want you to look after Joe for me again. However, I can take this Friday afternoon off instead. It is the last day of term and you will be released at lunch time. I thought we could all go shopping together in Crawley to make sure you have plenty of supplies whilst I’m away.’
‘I’ll look after Joe on Sunday night, if I have to, but I can’t go shopping with you. The girls and I are going to need to work on our costumes on Friday. However, you could give us a lift to Sue and Karen’s house, if you like, and collect me again in the evening.’
‘Alright Jenny, I’ll give you a lift over to Crawley and collect you afterwards but what are we going to do about your brother?’
‘Couldn’t you take him shopping with you in the afternoon and then in the evening he can either watch television or else play on his computer’ I suggested.
‘I suppose so, but I’m getting a bit worried about him being such a loner all the time. I don’t suppose there would be any way in which you could involve him in this convention that you are planning to attend?’
For a second I was appalled at her suggestion, but then I recalled the arrangements.
‘Sorry Mum, but all the bookings have been made some time ago, and he would have no costume to wear. Also there would be no room for him in the car when we go, and in any event, it would involve him spending some of his money, and you know how he likes to hoard it all the time.’
Mum sighed again, but accepted the inevitable.
‘I’d better check with Jean first that it is going to be alright for you to spend Friday afternoon and evening there,’ she said.
(* Wikipedia has articles on Dundee Cake, William Topaz McGonagall, and the Tay Bridge disaster, if you are interested.)
Carol — mother of Jenny and Joe (Friday 22nd July 2011)
I’ve never met Denise’s mother, and from what I’ve heard she has more money at her disposal than sense. However, if she is also willing to include my daughter in this trip to a so-called ‘convention’, I’m not going to complain. I therefore agreed to let Jenny go but began to wonder about what I was going to do to entertain Joe whilst his sister was away for the next weekend. It would be better if I could take them both away on holiday for a couple of weeks during August, but unfortunately that isn’t realistic. I’ve only just secured my promotion after several years of working part-time so that I could look after the kids. My new job involves a fair amount of travel and occasionally spending nights away from home, but Jenny is now old enough to take responsibility for her younger brother, and in any event, he is almost fifteen and is usually quite trustworthy.
Last week I asked Joe what he planned to do during the summer holidays. I even offered to pay for him to go away to a summer camp for a couple of weeks, but he didn’t seem interested in any of my suggestions, and said he would be alright on his own at home. It isn‘t that I think he is likely to get himself into any trouble; quite the opposite in fact. For most boys of his age the prospect of six weeks with no school and the opportunity to go out with friends would be wonderful, but I can’t complain about his lack of progress at school; his latest report was excellent. I just wish he could enjoy life and socialize a little more.
As expected, Jean was perfectly happy for Jenny to spend Friday afternoon with her daughters and even invited the three of us to have dinner with them afterwards. This suited me well as it would save me from cooking and I’d wanted an opportunity to discuss my worries about Joe with her for some time. Jenny managed to bribe her brother to co-operate with this plan and come with us to Crawley on Friday by offering to help him with some of his housework chores. I collected them both from school after lunch, together with Jenny’s two friends and dropped the three girls at Jean’s house where they intended to spend the afternoon working on their costumes. Karen and Sue (the twins) had been given responsibility by their mother for preparing our evening meal and laying the table as Jean, ran a hairdresser’s shop and beauty salon in town and so wouldn’t be home until 6.00pm. As soon as we’d dropped them off, Joe and I completed the bulk of the family shopping for the week, took it home to stow it, before setting off to go back to Crawley for our meal.
Over dinner, the three girls were complaining that their other friend, Denise, had failed to turn up for school in the morning, or for her fitting during the afternoon, although she’d previously assured them that she would be doing so.
‘We’ve tried to ring her several times,’ said Jenny, ‘but her mobile has been turned off, and there’s no answer from her home number either.’
‘It is a nuisance because I’ve almost finished her dress for the ‘Angelica’ routine and I just wanted to make sure its the right length,’ said Karen.
‘You don’t need to get in a panic, as you still have a full week before the convention,’ said Jean.
‘But we'll need to spend that time rehearsing if we are going to stand any chance of winning a prize,’ said Sue.
At the end of our meal the three girls politely asked whether they might be excused to carry on with their work, and I volunteered to help Jean with the washing up. Joe parked himself in front of their television set in the dining room, which was a little bit annoying as he wasn’t entirely out of earshot of the kitchen, but fortunately Karen returned to the room soon afterwards and came to my rescue.
‘Joe, are you watching anything in particular at the moment?’ she asked.
‘No, not really,’ he answered.
‘In that case would you mind giving me a hand please?’
‘Doing what?’
‘Come upstairs and I’ll show you.’
He shrugged his shoulders, turned off the television and followed her. This was my opportunity to talk to my friend.
‘Jean, I’m getting quite worried that Joe seems so down since his friend moved away a couple of months ago and he spends most of his time on the computer at home.’
‘I don’t think you need to worry Carol, lots of boys enjoy playing violent computer games these days, but they soon grow out of it,’ commented Jean.
‘No, I’m not worried about him playing violent games, in fact many of the things he does on the computer are quite constructive, but the only contact he has with other children is via chat rooms. I’m anxious in case he becomes clinically depressed, particularly as he seems to have no particular friends from school, and isn’t interested in sports or the things that other boys in the neighbourhood enjoy,’ I said.
‘Not all boys like football,’ she commented.
‘I know, but he seems to have nothing in common with the other boys in the village.’
‘Are you worried that he might be gay?’ asked Jean.
‘That wouldn’t worry me as long as he was happy, I think it is a bit early to be worrying about his sexuality; I just wish he would get on with his puberty and start growing into a man.’
‘He seems to get on alright with Jenny.’
‘They don’t squabble like some other children, but she has her own friends and interests and doesn’t want to be lumbered with a geeky younger brother hanging around all the time. I wish I could spend more time with him, but this new job means I have to spend a fair amount of time away on business. I’ve struggled for ages for this opportunity and seem on the brink of rebuilding my career, although I don’t want to sacrifice the happiness of my children in the process,’ I said.
‘I’m not sure that a mother can do a lot in those circumstances, he really needs to spend time with youngsters of his own age’.
‘I know but I can’t force him to make friends with other boys, or girls for that matter.’
Jean sighed.
‘I’m not sure what to advise, Carol, as I have no experience dealing with teenage boys, but I would try not to be too anxious. Things will probably work themselves out in time. The main thing is not to put any pressure on him. What about Joe’s father, could he perhaps spend some time with him?’ asked Jean
‘Joe has never met his father, and Jenny was only eighteen months old when we went our separate ways. I believe he has re-married and now has a new a family somewhere back in Ireland. If Joe wants to track him down at a later date, then of course I’ll help him do so but otherwise I would rather let things stand. He’s managed without a father so far, and I don’t want to complicate things.’
‘I know what you mean. I was devastated when my Jack was killed in an accident at work, especially as the girls were only five at the time, but in retrospect we’ve coped quite well without him,’ commented Jean.
‘It must have been difficult for you.’
‘Yes it was awful at the time for us all, but the compensation has at least enabled me to set up and run my own small business’.
We finished the washing up and put away the crockery and continued our conversation in the kitchen for half an hour when Sue suddenly appeared from upstairs.
‘Mum, please may we borrow your long wig?’ she asked.
‘I suppose so, as long as you’re careful with it, but what do you want it for?’ asked Jean.
‘Just give us ten minutes and then you can come up and see’.
I was disappointed when Denise didn’t turn up for her costume fitting this afternoon and then failed even to let us know why she wasn’t coming. Sue and Jenny think that she’s just a spoiled rich kid, but she’s always been alright with me and has never let me down like this before. Sue and Jenny can get a little cliquey together at times and the presence of Denise is normally a useful counterbalance because she tends to see my point of view. Everyone assumes that just because Sue and I are twins we must always think alike and agree with one another, but we’re not genetic twins, don’t look alike and have quite different personalities. We just happened to have shared the same womb together.
Although Denise didn’t turn up, I’ve been making good progress with the light blue dress that she’s going to wear on Friday night. It is a ‘baby-doll’ style and I just needed to make sure that the length was right for her and then finish off the hem. In the absence of Denise I might have used the tailor’s dummy in mum’s room, but this was being used by the others. That’s when I had the idea of asking Jenny’s younger brother to help. He’s about the same height as my friend and although not exactly the same shape, there was nothing that a little bit of padding couldn’t rectify. I therefore dragged him away from some mindless television programme downstairs and explained what I required.
‘Joe, would you mind putting on this dress for me just for a few minutes whilst I check the hemline as Denise hasn’t turned up?’
He looked surprised by the suggestion.
‘Couldn’t one of the others do it for you?’ he asked.
‘No, they’re both taller than you and Denise are, and in any event they’re busy next door. You would be just about right if we provide you with a pair of boobs to make it fit properly. Please do this for me, it will only take a few minutes and I promise not to tell anyone.’
‘I don’t know Karen,’ he said looking distinctly embarrassed.
Jenny sometimes complains about her brother, but I’ve always found him to be alright, just a little bit shy. If you smile and speak nicely to him, pat him on the head and offer him a sugar lump he’s not immune from a little feminine persuasion.
‘Please Joe, it’ll be a great help to me,’ I said in my best entreating voice. ‘I want to get this finished tonight.’
He sighed.
‘Go on then.’
‘Good!’ I said, giving him a chaste kiss on the cheek, which made him turn the colour of a beetroot.
‘If you strip down to your underpants, and pop this on for a few minutes’ I said handing him one of my bras, you can fill the cups with your socks. By the way, what shoe size are you?’
‘Five, but why do you need to know that?’
‘Just right, you can put on a pair of my pop-socks and Denise’s high-heeled shoes, that way your height will be exactly right.’
Joe didn’t look at all bad wearing Denise’s dress and shoes, and he was also quite co-operative in either standing still or turning round when I needed him to do so. In fact we chatted together quite happily as I finished off the hemline, and I was just beginning to revise my opinion of him, when the other two suddenly appeared from the next room.
‘My goodness Joe, you look brilliant in that dress, that colour really suits you,’ gasped Jenny, clearly surprised by the sight of her brother.
He went bright red for a second time, and I began to feel a little sorry for him.
‘I have an idea, just wait there for a minute, everybody,’ said Sue, and disappeared downstairs.
There was no stopping my sister and Jenny once she’d returned bringing Mum’s long wig with her. Within minutes they’d substituted the pop socks for a pair of tights and had him sit down at the dressing table to make up his face and put on the wig. Any protests from Joe were brushed to one side, but I did at least manage to secure from them both the solemn assurance that this evening’s events would go no further — I could just imagine what his life would be like if it became common knowledge at our school.
‘Nobody at school will get to know, remember we’re not due to go back for six weeks,’ said Sue.
By the time our mothers came upstairs to join us, the dress was finished, and Jenny and Sue had made a pretty good job of making up his face and had brushed and styled the wig. They’d even given him some of Sue’s jewellery to wear. The overall effect was quite stunning, and entirely convincing. He looked just like a girl; and quite a decent looking one at that.
‘What do you think Mum?’ asked Sue triumphantly as they entered the room.
‘Er … I think he looks lovely,’ answered Mum, nervously looking towards Aunt Carol to see how she was going to react to seeing her son dressed as an attractive young lady.
‘I hope the girls haven’t been bullying you into dressing like this?’ asked Carol, looking severely at her daughter, in particular.
Joe could have used this opportunity to drop us all in it, if he chose to do so, but he didn’t. In spite of what Jenny says about him, he seems to be a good sport.
‘No, not really, I agreed to model the dress for Karen as Denise hasn’t turned up. I wasn’t exactly expecting the wig and makeup as well, but I don’t mind as long as they all promise not to tell anyone,’ he answered.
‘We’ve all sworn to keep it a secret,’ I added, by way of confirmation.
‘In that case, I must say that you do look most attractive dressed as a young lady,’ said Aunt Carol smiling.
‘In fact, you look so good in that costume that if Denise doesn’t arrive soon, you would be able to take her place in the competition next weekend,’ joked Sue. ‘I’m sure that nobody would notice the difference.’
That was a bitchy thing to say about my friend, but she did have a point. Joe didn’t respond and appeared to be a little bit embarrassed by the suggestion, and no-one else took it seriously; after all we were relying on Denise’s mother to drive us there. I looked across at Joe and had a sneaking suspicion that he might even be enjoying the attention being shown to him for once. It was at that point that the telephone downstairs rang and mum left to answer it and Aunt Carol followed her soon afterwards.
Before we returned Joe to the state in which we’d found him, the others wanted to take his photograph, but I wouldn’t let them do it without his prior agreement, which was not forthcoming. We did, however, indulge in a little more gentle teasing. Of course he protested that we’d tricked him and forced him to wear the dress against his will, but I still had the impression that he didn’t really mind that much. In fact we hadn’t even begun to turn him back into a boy when Mum called us all to go downstairs.
The girls have put a lot of work into making those costumes, and Karen, in particular is becoming a very competent seamstress. I wasn’t sure what to think about their dressing up Jenny’s brother in that way, in front of his mother, but he didn’t seem too upset about it. However, I had to leave them all soon afterwards to answer the phone downstairs. It was Denise’s mother, Alice, on the phone.
‘Jean, I’m terribly sorry but Denise has been admitted to hospital with acute appendicitis and is scheduled to have an operation tomorrow evening’.
‘Oh that is a pity, I hope she’s going to be alright.’
‘I don’t think her condition is thought to be particularly dangerous as long as they can operate before there is any chance of it bursting and her developing peritonitis. However, I’m afraid that neither Denise nor I will be able to go away next weekend. I‘m really sorry to let you all down. Is there anyone who could go in our places?’
‘I’ll talk to the girls and see if they know of anyone, but the main difficulty is going to be getting there together with all of their costumes, as I don’t drive’.
‘I would ask my husband to take you all and collect you again afterwards but he has to be away on business that weekend, That was why I’d offered to come in the first place,’ she said.
‘Don’t worry Alice, I’m sure I can work something out. Your priority will be looking after Denise.’
‘Thanks for being so understanding, and I am so sorry to let you down. By the way, Denise has asked if Karen would be able to call in to see her at the hospital tomorrow morning to discuss the arrangements’.
‘I’ll tell her,’ I said, putting down the phone.
I now wish that I’d learned to drive, but I simply couldn’t face taking lessons immediately after Frank’s death, and then, before I knew it, I was spending all my time on the business or bringing up the twins. However, we live near the town centre and public transport in Crawley is not too bad, so it has never been a major issue before now. I was quite relieved that Carol was with me when I had to break the bad news to the girls. I asked the three of them to come downstairs. . Joe also came, still wearing Denise’s dress, high heels and my wig.
‘Girls, that was Denise’s mother on the phone, I’m afraid there’s some bad news; she’s in hospital with appendicitis.’
‘Is she going to be alright?’ asked Karen.
‘I would imagine so, but neither Denise nor her mother will now be able to go to your convention next weekend, and I don’t drive, so unless you know of someone else to take you, I’m afraid we’ll have to cancel.’
I could see from all their faces just what a blow this would be.
‘Mum, how about you? Your work car would be big enough for us all. Would you be able to drive us there instead next weekend?’ asked Jenny.
Carol thought for a few moments before replying.
‘I’m not sure. I suppose I could probably re-arrange my schedule for next week and take next Friday as annual leave. The car would certainly be big enough, but what would we do about accommodation?’
‘Alice and I had arranged to share a hotel room for the weekend, Karen and Denise were going to share another and also Sue with Jenny. You could take Alice’s place Carol, and then Joe could share a room with his sister,’ I said.
I then turned to the twins, ‘girls, if Joe were to come instead of Denise would you be able to arrange a suitable costume for him as well?’
‘The only problem is that we’ve already entered the group competition as an all-female singing group and our entry would be meaningless if one of the contestants were to be a guy,’ said Karen.
‘Also I’m not sure that a teenage boy and a girl would be allowed to share a bedroom, even if they were brother and sister,’ added Jenny a little sourly. I suspect that she’d been looking forward to the prospect of sharing a room with her best friend.
‘Well I can’t leave Joe at home alone for a weekend. If he doesn’t go I won’t be able to take you,’ said Carol definitively.
‘I’ll go along as a spectator,’ suggested Joe.
‘But that would still leave us one short for our entry. The dance routines are all designed for four,’ said Sue.
‘Since Joe looks so good wearing Denise’s baby-doll dress he could always pretend to be one of our girl-group in the first competition, if he were willing to learn the song and dance routine. That way we would only need to find him an 1890s male costume for the Saturday competition,’ said Karen.
‘I am sorry but I’m not prepared to appear in public pretending to be a girl,’ answered Joe, looking rather incongruous as he did so since he was wearing a baby blue dress, long wig and high heels.
‘It is only fancy dress Joe,’ said Karen, soothingly.
‘Quite a few of the girl entrants will be dressing up as guys,’ added Sue.
‘Maybe, but it is different for boys,’ said Joe. ‘I’d never live it down at school if it were to be discovered.
‘I imagine there will also be some other guys dressed as girls as well. In any event, it is most unlikely that there will be anyone else who knows you at the convention,’ added Karen.
‘Even if there’s no-one present who knows me, there’ll be pictures and a list of competitors on the convention website and so some of your friends at school will be bound to have a look,’ said Joe. ‘They’d soon work out that I must have taken part dressed as a girl’.
‘In that case the answer would be for you to spend the whole weekend as a girl. There would be nothing to stop you from registering in a female name, pretending to be my cousin. Your real name would never be recorded and nobody other than the six of us would ever know your true identity,’ said Jenny.
‘That’s a good idea,’ said Karen. ‘Also, I know that, Denise has already bought herself a rather special costume for the Saturday night, which we now know will fit you. She may be willing to lend it to you,’ as well.
‘Hang on a minute! I’d be bound to be found out by someone during the course of a weekend’.
‘I don’t see why, as long as you’re careful, you look most convincing to me at the moment,’ said Jenny.
‘But I’ve never worn high heels before, or put on makeup, or coped with long hair,’ he complained.
‘We could teach you all those things over the next few days, and we would promise to look after you during the competition,’ said Karen. ‘We all think that you really look convincing as a girl wearing that dress and long wig. Your voice hasn’t yet broken, so you also sound like a girl’.
‘Mum, would it be possible for Joe and Jenny to stay at our house for the next few days, if he agrees to the plan,’ asked Sue. ‘That would give us plenty of time to provide him with the necessary practice in wearing female clothes and for us to teach him some of our dance routines and finish working on the costumes.’
I hesitated for a minute before answering, This was all beginning to get out of hand.
‘I would have no objection, but it is up to Joe and his mother to decide without you putting on any pressure,’ I replied.
Jenny looked across at her mother looking for an answer from her.
‘I would only be willing to go along with the proposal, if Joe were agreeable,’ replied Carol.
The three girls turned and looked pleadingly at the young man, who now seemed a little overwhelmed by the enormity of what was being suggested.
‘Please Joe, say yes,’ said Jenny.
‘I don’t know’ he said abstractedly. ‘I’ll need a little time to think about the implications of what you’re suggesting. I’m not saying no, but I have to be sure that there would be no danger of me ever being found out.’
‘Joe, I promise that nobody outside this room will ever know,’ re-iterated Karen.
I felt it was time to come to his rescue.
‘Now hold on a minute, everyone, before anyone can make any decision about next weekend there are a number of questions that need to be resolved. First of all, Carol needs to find out whether she can have the time off work next Friday and borrow the firm’s car. Karen, you will need to visit Denise in hospital tomorrow morning to see if she is prepared to let you borrow her two costumes, and then go to see her mother to find out whether Carol and ‘her niece’ would be able to take over their bookings for the convention. At the same time I’ll contact the organisers to find out if it is too late to change the names of the entrants. I therefore suggest that we should all meet tomorrow lunch time when we’ll be in a much better position to decide what, if anything is going to happen next weekend. That way Joe will have time to sleep on the idea before deciding whether or not he is agreeable to the plan. If he isn’t happy about it, then that will be an end of the matter’
All concerned accepted that this was a sensible course of action.
‘I have to work in the salon tomorrow, but can probably arrange to take a long lunch break,’ I continued. ‘I suggest that we should all meet here at 1.30 pm and then make a final decision about what is happening next week. If Jenny and Joe want to stay here after that they will need to bring a change of clothes with them.’
‘I think I’d like to change back into my own clothes now,’ said Joe.
‘Yes of course, I’ll help you,’ said Karen.
Once Joe and Karen had left us, Sue approached Carol and myself
‘Is there anything that Jenny and I can be doing to help in the meantime?’ she asked.
‘I suppose you could sort out between you some female clothing that Joe could wear if he were to agree with your plan and stay here next week,’ said Carol.
The twins and I have invested a lot of time and effort into our costumes and our dance routine. It would be a disaster if we were not now able to attend the convention. I’m sure that if I were to be left alone with Joe for an hour I’d be able to persuade him to co-operate. However, before Mum drove us home on Friday, she took me to one side and ‘suggested’ in a serious voice that nothing more should be said to him on the subject, until the following lunch time.
‘But Mum, this competition is really important to all of us, and he has the answer to our problem in his own hands’.
‘I know, but you’re asking quite a lot from him and so you will have to let him make up his mind in his own time’.
‘I’m sure that I’d do the same for him in other circumstances.’
‘That may be so, dear, but let him decide.
‘I don’t see that it is any great issue; he may even find that he enjoys himself,’ I said
‘Maybe so, but please let him decide for himself,’ she said.
I felt so frustrated in the car going home, not knowing whether I should be trying to plead with him or merely order him not to be such a wimp. Mum did have a quiet talk with him in his bedroom later on, but she wasn’t trying to put any pressure but merely to find out his thoughts and answer any questions.
‘What did he say,’ I asked Mum later that night.
‘I believe he’s very much in two minds whether to agree or not. He has no other plans for the weekend and he would like to be friends with the others. He certainly doesn’t wish to be the cause of you all having to cancel your weekend. However, he’s worried about what people will say if they find out that he entered a competition dressed as a girl.’
‘But that is so stupid, it’s only a fancy dress competition after all, who cares what other people might think?’ I said.
‘I know dear, but it is different for boys — it somehow goes to the root of their gender identity.’
‘Hmph, he doesn’t have any gender identity?’ I replied scornfully.
‘That attitude isn’t going to help you.’
‘I suppose you’re right, but what did you say to him?’
‘I told him that he made a very convincing girl earlier this evening and that I don’t think anyone else would be likely to find out. However, it was up to him to decide, and not to let himself be bullied by you or your friends.’
‘Thanks a lot,’ I replied.
‘I did also say that if he was willing to go then we’d all promise to help him, as much as we could.’
‘Alright then, I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what he decides.’
Nothing more was said by me to Joe concerning the convention until our group met once again for lunch today, although my friends and I had been frantically texting one another with the latest developments. I told them that Mum had rung her manager and arranged to reschedule her week so she could take the following Friday as leave. He also had no objections to her using the firm’s car during the weekend. However, as a result of the changes she would now have to leave home for her business trip after lunch on Sunday and would be away until the Thursday night. If necessary, I would have to look after my brother for four nights, and was busy planning what I might do to him during that period if he refuses to co-operate. Mum did say that she would be happier if we both were to stay at Jean’s house until she got back.
Sue told me that her mother had been in touch with the organisers of the Convention and explained the situation regarding Denise and her mother. They would be happy to substitute any names in the competition and would also amend the room bookings as necessary, but needed to know all the details by the following Monday morning when the brochures were due to be finalised.
I managed to scrounge a lift in to Crawley this morning from one of our neighbours and so I was able to join Karen and Jenny when they called in to commiserate with Denise in Crawley Hospital. Her family is wealthy and so we found her occupying a private room, where she was waiting for her operation later that evening.
‘How long are you going to be in here for?’ asked Karen.
‘If all goes well, I should be out by next Wednesday, but I’ll still have my stitches in and the doctor insists that I won’t be fit enough to attend the convention on Friday Also it’ll be a few weeks before I can do any dancing.’
‘You must be really disappointed,’ said Sue.
‘Yes,’ she answered sadly. ‘Mum bought me this lovely long Edwardian-style dress , complete with matching underclothes especially for the costume competition on Saturday evening. I’m not sure when I’ll get to wear it now’.
‘We may all have to drop out of that competition, unless Jenny’s mother can take us, and I fear that the Spice Girls idea will also have to abandoned without your presence,’ said Karen.
‘Surely there’s someone else who could take my place next week. They would be welcome to borrow my costume?’
‘It would need to be someone whose parents had a big car and would be willing to take us all as Mum doesn’t drive. Can you think of anyone?’ asked Karen.
‘Not really, at least nobody that we like, and who is also my dress size’ she said.
Sue looked at her sister and myself.
‘Are we going to tell her?’ she asked.
‘Tell her what?’ asked Denise.
‘I think we’ll have to,’ I said.
‘But she must promise to keep it an absolute secret if we do,’ added Karen.
‘What secret?’ said Denise suddenly taking more of an interest.
‘We are considering a possible replacement, but you must promise to keep their identity secret, even from your mother if we tell you,’ said Sue
‘Alright, I promise; who have you got in mind?’
‘Jenny’s kid brother Joe,’ continued Sue. ‘When you failed to arrive yesterday evening, Karen persuaded him to model your blue dress, whilst she finished off the hem-line. With a little bit of padding in the right places, he is the same size as you are. He looked brilliant in the dress, particularly after we added my mother’s long black wig and a little bit of makeup.’
‘So you want young Joe to be one of the Spice Girls?’ asked Denise incredulously.
‘Believe me he could easily get away with it if he were only willing to co-operate and learn the dance steps! What’s more, if he agreed to come, then he and my mother could take the places of you and your mother and we would all have a lift to the convention,’ answered Karen.
‘You said, ‘if’; hasn’t he agreed to go ahead with the plan?’ Denise asked smiling.
‘No; not as yet, but we are all still working on him. We’ll have to sort out another suitable costume for the Saturday evening as well.’
‘Male of female?’
‘We think it might be easier and safer for him to stick to being female for the whole weekend.’
‘In that case, it is easy. You can tell him from me that if he agrees to fill my place as one of the ‘Spice Girls’ then he may also borrow my Edwardian dress on Saturday,’ said Denise.
‘That would be really brilliant. Thanks very much,’ said Karen.
‘There would be one condition, however, which is that you must all come to see me at my house for a dress rehearsal next Thursday afternoon. I should be fit enough to see you all before you leave on Friday’ she said.
‘I’ll agree provisionally, as long as Joe can be persuaded to go along with the plan,’ said Karen smiling.
‘What shall I tell Mum?’ asked Denise.
‘She doesn’t know Jenny’s mum and has never met Joe; so I suggest that you say to her that both of your costumes will be worn by Jenny’s cousin who happens to be staying with them for a couple of weeks.
‘Alright then, I’ll telephone her to say that you’ll be calling round to collect the costume later today.’
When she heard the story, Denise’s Mum was pleased to know that the other girls would not be let down as a result of her daughter’s operation, and that she needn’t feel guilty about withdrawing her offer to drive the group. She even agreed to deliver the brand new outfit to the twins’ house when she drove into Crawley later that morning. Karen then rang her mother to ensure that we all got our stories straight if Denise’s mother should accidentally meet with up with her in town.
As soon as we got back to the house, Sue and I organized some clothes which Joe might wear over the next week, if he agreed to co-operate. They were provided by the three of us, mostly things that we’d grown out of. Denise’s mother dropped off the costume and also the various tickets for the events shortly before lunch. We were expecting Mum and Joe to arrive at any minute, and everything was now in his hands.
After our visit to Denise on Saturday morning, the six of us met together at our house for lunch. Karen and I had done the dutiful daughter act and prepared sandwiches for everybody. The two mothers reported back on their favourable discoveries. Jenny’s mum also explained that she would have to re-organise her schedule to take the next Friday as leave to make up the time. Thus it would be necessary for her to be away for four nights in the coming week. My Mum immediately came to the rescue by saying that Jenny and her brother would be welcome to stay with us for those nights — which of course would also suit Karen and myself (as long as he decided to co-operate). Karen reported our conversation with Denise. Joe didn’t look too happy that we’d let someone else in on the story, but Karen explained in her soothing voice that it was necessary to secure Denise’s agreement and that we’d also sworn her to absolute secrecy.
It appeared that all the potential obstacles had been overcome and it was now up to Joe to decide whether or not our plans for the next weekend could go ahead. He was well aware of the trouble that everyone had gone to, and the weight of expectation that was now on him. Yet the scale of the task and the complication of the arrangements seemed to be growing all the time. At first it had been suggested that he should enter a single competition dressed as a girl. Then it grew to his spending the whole of next weekend as a girl. Now it was clear that we were also expecting him to dress as a girl for the whole of the next week in order to gain the necessary practice, and that we would also be holding a dress rehearsal at Denise’s house on Thursday afternoon.
‘Are you sure I couldn’t just go along as a male spectator?’ he asked fairly lamely (as if this was going to satisfy us for all our trouble).
We were expecting a little bit of token resistance on his part, and we'd agreed a strategy beforehand. Karen and I would begin by playing the roles of ‘Miss Nice’ and ‘Miss Reasonable’ respectively, whereas Jenny would come in as ‘Miss Nasty,’ later on, but only if it proved to be necessary.
‘I doubt if the hotel has a spare room vacant for a single male,’ I said. ‘But if you agree to come as Jenny's female cousin she wouldn’t mind sharing a hotel bedroom with you and we would all help you to get ready’.
‘Joe it would be such a shame if you were to attend but didn’t enter the competitions, particularly as we now have two brilliant costumes for you to wear. In any event, without your presence it would spoil our group entry,’ said Karen using her best ‘pretty please’ voice.
My sister has always been better than me at persuading people into doing things against their better judgment. That is why she was selected to be the potential ‘Miss Nice,’ with me in reserve, and then Jenny only if he didn’t agree to play ball. Joe looked as if he might be on the point of agreeing, but there was still something that was preventing him, so my sister came up with a suggestion.
‘Look Joe, before making up your mind will you at least try on Denise’s other costume?’ she asked. ‘It’s a lovely dress and I promise that you’ll really look great wearing it.’
I think Joe quite likes my sister - not in a sexual way — but as a friend. Somewhat to the surprise of everyone present, he agreed to do so, and so the three of us hurried away to find him some suitable underwear and Mum’s long wig to wear. Our two mothers said nothing, not wanting to put any more pressure upon him. Denise’s dress was made of pale pink satin and was both glamorous and expensive looking. It fitted pretty well except it was a little tight at the waist and there was a slight bulge evident between his legs. The colour suited him well.
‘Don’t worry, there’s a corset that will hold in your tummy on the night and we can easily find a way of disguising that tell-tale bulge,’ said Karen.
Believe it or not, I actually felt a little envious of him wearing that dress, although it would have been too small for me to wear. In fact everyone admired the dress, saying how well it suited him, and that he made a truly convincing and attractive young woman.
‘I could also put on some extensions to make your hair and finger nails look better if you wish,’ commented Mum.
Everyone looked expectantly towards him, but still he didn’t answer.
‘Alright it is decision time now Joe, you can’t keep the girls waiting any longer,’ said Aunt Carol.
Jenny’s brother sighed, and then he shrugged his shoulders.
‘All right then, I’ll agree but only on the condition that everyone promises to do all they can to help me to avoid detection and to keep my taking part a secret. Also, I don’t want to become the butt of your jokes during the coming week, or afterwards for that matter,’ he said.
Everyone looked relieved, and we were about to begin making detailed plans, when my sister announced that she’d like to say a few words on behalf of the other members of our team. I looked across at Jenny, but she’d no more idea than I did about what Karen was about to say.
‘Go ahead then,’ said Joe.
‘First of all, Joe, we appreciate what you are agreeing to do for the sake of our entry, and we accept your conditions,’ she said.
Jenny and I murmured our agreement, but Karen wasn’t finished speaking.
‘However, we also have some conditions as well. If you are going to remain undetected, then you will have to co-operate willingly with us, and get as much practice as possible over the next week. It isn’t just a question of your dressing as a girl and learning our dance routine but also learning how to walk, talk, and gesture as a girl, as well. It is therefore essential that you spend the whole of the next week living as a girl and even thinking like a girl, in order for you to have enough time to take it all in.
‘I couldn’t go home dressed as a girl, I’d never live it down in the village if anyone saw me,’ he said.
‘I know, and Mum has said that there would be no problem with you and Jenny staying here for the week. It needn’t be all work, and I’m sure that we’ll have some fun together over the next few days, but you must willingly co-operate with us. So if we ask you to paint your toenails then your answer should be, ‘what colour?’ Do you understand?’
Mum smiled at my sister’s use of metaphor, but seemed to agree with the general drift of her meaning.
‘I think Karen is right Joe, the only time I’ll have available to fit your hair and nail extensions will be this weekend. Since you’re going to be looking like a girl for the next week you may just as well get used to wearing female clothes at the same time’.
We looked expectantly, waiting for a reply.
‘I suppose I don’t have much choice. I’ll agree to Karen’s conditions as long as you all agree to mine,’ he said.
Even Mum and Aunt Carol looked pleased by his decision. Jenny, Karen and I were ecstatic and we hugged and kissed him to thank him and assure him how nice he was going to look in his various costumes. But even this wasn’t enough for my bossy-boots sister who started to assert herself once more.
‘My first suggestion is that from this point onwards, until after the competition, we should forget all about ‘Joseph’ and give you a girl’s name,’ she said. ‘We should also start referring to you as ‘she’ and ‘her’ between ourselves.
For a moment I thought that Karen might have gone too far and that he might chicken out and change his mind, but after a few seconds he smiled and replied: ‘Which one?’
‘Good for you, I think you’re getting the right idea,’ said Karen laughing. ‘However, I think we can probably let you choose your own name, as long as we approve’.
‘Shall I use my mother’s middle name - Josephine?'
We looked at one another and Jenny and Karen both nodded.
‘Alright, as long as you don’t mind us calling you ‘Josie,’ I said.
He nodded, and even looked quite pleased with himself (or perhaps I should now start saying herself)..
Now that the decision had been made, both Mum and Aunt Carol were preparing to leave us.
‘I have to get ready for my trip,’ said Carol, ‘but if you like, I’ll call in tomorrow and take everyone out to lunch before I begin my journey. I should like a chance to see my new ‘daughter’ once again before I go away’.
‘Hang on just a minute Mum,’ said Jenny disappearing upstairs.
She returned a few minutes later with the clothes that Joe had brought over and also those that he’d been wearing until fifteen minutes beforehand.
‘Please will you take these clothes home with you, Joe won’t be needing them over the next week; Josie has plenty of things to wear.’
Aunt Carol looked across to ‘Josie,’ as if to ask ‘her’ permission. She shrugged once again as if to tell her mother to go ahead. A few minutes later Aunt Carol left, taking with her all remaining traces of her son.
I was a little surprised by the events of the last day, but Joe, (or perhaps I should now start saying Josie), seems to be more cheerful than I’ve known him (or is it now her?) before. I think I agree with Karen and I’m going to have to stick to using ‘Josie’ and ’her’ for the next week otherwise life will get really confusing. Although Carol had to leave quite quickly I decided that I’d better ring and compare notes with her when I got a chance. In the meanwhile she seems to be happy enough for me to help the girls with their plan.
‘I’ll need to fix Josie’s nail extensions at the salon, and the best time for me to do that will be after we close this evening. I should also be able to attach her hair extensions at home afterwards.
‘What are we going to do about providing her with some boobs?’ asked Jenny.
‘Mum, whatever happened to those silicone breast forms that gran used to wear after she had her operation?’ asked Sue.
‘I think they’re in a box in the loft somewhere,’ I replied.
‘Will it be alright for Josie to borrow them?’ asked Jenny.
‘She’s welcome to them, if you can find them.’
It was almost time for me to leave and go back to work
‘I suggest that you girls should work out between you the clothes that Josie will need to wear during the next week, and stow them in the wardrobe in the spare room together with Jenny’s clothes.. You will also have to find her something to wear for this afternoon before she spoils that new dress’.
‘Don’t worry, we’ve already sorted that out,’ said Sue.
‘I am also sure that between the three of you, you will also be able to provide her with some necessary items of makeup from your own supplies’ said Jean.
‘No problem,’ said Karen.
Finally, young lady,’ I said turning to Josie, ‘Whilst I’m at work this afternoon I would like the girls to help you to put on some makeup and give you a few basic lessons in deportment, and then for you all to come to the salon at 6.00pm this evening’.
‘Come on Josie, no matter how nice you may look, you can’t stay in that dress all afternoon, let’s find something else for you to wear,’ said Karen.
Josie did as she was instructed, and Jenny started helping her new sister to take off the dress, and had a close look at her body.
‘It is quite fortunate that Joe was a late developer,’ she said, ‘it seems that we won’t need to shave Josie’s legs, armpits or chin’.
I had to smile at the expression on Josie's face as I was leaving. I don’t think the poor girl had realized until then just what she was letting herself in for.
During my afternoon tea break I gave Carol that phone call, to find out what she was thinking about events and to make sure that she was happy for me to continue helping the girls.
‘I’m not sure what I feel about it all,’ said Carol. ‘On the one hand I am pleased for Jenny and the twins’ sake, but it was a little disturbing to be suddenly calling my son Josie and referring to him as ‘her’.
‘I’ve never had a son, but I think I know what you mean,’ I replied.
‘Yet she doesn’t seem to be unhappy, and half of me wonders whether she’s enjoying all the attention.’
‘Yes, I’d noticed that as well.’
‘Perhaps we should just let them get on with it, as long as Josie doesn’t seem to be unhappy.’
‘I think you are probably right,’ I said.
‘Alright, that’s what we’ll do, but please keep in touch with me over the next day or so and let me know what has been happening.’
‘How did you get on this afternoon, Josie?’ I asked.
‘Alright I suppose, the others have loaned me some of their clothes to wear
‘We’ve concentrated on some fairly ‘girly’ clothes for the next few days as she needs to get used to wearing tight skirts and high-heels as soon as possible, so they don’t feel at all unusual by next weekend’ said Jenny.
‘We also found those breast forms, but they are only taped on for the time being, we’ll stick them on properly just before the convention.’
Josie now looked quite well endowed for her age, and as they were covered by her clothes I’d never have known that they were not the real thing.
‘We’ve also given her a first lesson in using cosmetics, and we’ve all contributed some items so she’ll be able to have some supplies of her own,’ added Karen.
‘You really are all taking this seriously.’
‘Yes of course, it is through attention to detail that Josie will not be exposed next weekend’ said Sue, rather pompously.
‘I hope you don’t mind Mum but we’ve also loaned her one of your spare handbags,’ added Karen.
‘So I see,’ I replied. ‘No, I don’t mind, but I would like it back in due course.’
Josie seemed to be a little bit overwhelmed by everything, so I sought to bring her back into the conversation.
‘How did you get on during your journey here this afternoon Josie?’
‘I was very nervous to begin with, but fortunately we didn’t come across anyone from our school, and I gradually gained confidence as we went on,’ she said.
‘Nobody gave us a second look, it was just four teenage girls out shopping together,’ commented Sue.
‘I think you’re very brave, and I wish you the best of luck,’ I said returning the conversation to Josie.
‘Actually my feet are now beginning to ache a bit in these shoes,’ she continued.
‘That’s exactly why you’re going to need to wear heels for the next week, so you can get used to them in time for the convention,’ added Jenny, without showing a trace of sympathy.
I could see that the poor girl was going to be bossed about by the others, if I was not careful so I suggested that they should go and order a take away pizza for our tea, whilst I began to fit the nail extensions on their friend. I told Josie to come in and sit down.
‘Now remember what we told you about keeping your knees together when you are sitting,’ added Jenny. ’Nothing will give you away faster that leaving your knees apart so that everyone can see up your skirt’.
‘Please, give the poor girl a break everyone, it took you years to learn all this.’
Once the others had left, I invited Josie to sit down,
‘Are you still alright with all this?’ I asked.
She hesitated for a moment, looking downwards to avert my gaze. Whoever had applied her eye-makeup for her had done a very good job.
‘Yes, I think so.’
‘You know, the others are right, you do make a pretty girl,’ I said.
She smiled demurely and thanked me.
‘Alright then Madame, we’ll make a start on your hands,’ I said. ‘These will feel a little odd at first, but they’re quite strong and I’m sure you will have got used to having them by next weekend. After tea I will ask one of the girls to put some lacquer on them for you, whilst I sort out your hair extensions’.
‘Karen wants me to paint my toe nails as well,’ she commented smiling.
‘That’s a job you can do for yourself later in the week’ I said, ‘they won’t be visible when you go in for the competition’.
‘Alright then, I’ll do the job myself, but I seem to have a lot to learn over the next few days’.
‘Yes, that’s true, and how do you feel about the prospect of living as a girl for the next week and wearing makeup?’ I asked.
‘So far it has been alright as long as nobody gives the game away. In fact I am now looking forward to the next week. It’s a little bit like an adventure’.
Jenny and the twins arrived back with the food after about forty minutes, just as I was finishing the last nail. Everyone admired Josie’s new elegantly shaped nails and noted that she’d quite slender and attractive hands. I quickly packed the equipment I was going to need for the hair extensions and we then made our way home where we ate the pizza. After tea, Karen washed up, Sue went back to work on her costume and Jenny started to sort out the spare room where she and her sister would be staying for the next week. I started to braid some tracks in Josie’s hair ready to sew on the extensions. Karen finished her task first, so she took responsibility for giving Josie a manicure and then polishing her finger nails.
By the time Jenny came down, she was astounded with the transformation of her former brother who now appeared to be just like the younger sister she’d always wanted. Josie was no longer wearing a wig, but had long brown hair of her own, that had been nicely cut and styled. She also had immaculately polished finger nails.
‘Wow Josie, you are really lucky, I would love to have people chasing round after me fitting hair extensions and painting my lovely long nails like that,’ she said.
Josie smiled and looked quite smug.
‘Well you’ll just have to save up your pocket money to have them done,’ she said.
When I called in to say goodnight to our two visitors at bedtime, I found them both wearing nightdresses and sitting at the dressing table. Josie was brushing Jenny’s hair for her.
‘I quite like the idea of having a younger sister’ commented Jenny smiling.
I had to speak quite sharply to my sister and Jenny this morning as they were making silly comments about Josie after breakfast. She may have been out of earshot at the time, but that way could lead to disaster, if she were to hear and get upset, she might withdraw her cooperation.
‘Now listen you two, you have both promised that Josie wouldn’t become the butt of your stupid jokes. Remember that she’s doing us all a big favour, and this plan is only going to work if you show her a little more respect.’
They stopped giggling.
‘Actually, we’ve both been very respectful to my sister so far this morning,’ said Jenny. ‘I’ve promised to help her to sort out her hair as soon as she emerges from the shower, and Sue is going to give her a makeup lesson’
‘Good; let’s keep it that way with no more jokes or snide comments. It would be a disaster if she changed her mind now. So what else do we have to do today?’ I asked.
‘Mum wants to try sticking on the breast forms this morning, and then Aunt Carol is coming to take us all out for lunch. This afternoon we will need to begin going through the dance steps together.’
Jenny was as good as her word and she showed her sister how to deal with her newly acquired long hair and put it up in rollers. Sue decided to postpone the makeup lesson until after Mum had finished with the breast forms, and got on with her costume instead. I decided to give Mum a hand as I was interested to know how they worked.
Josie had proceeded to dry herself after the shower and finished off with some scented talcum powder. She was now flat-chested having removed her padded bra, but still looked surprisingly feminine in her borrowed dressing gown and with her long hair and polished finger nails. Mum asked her to lie on her back on her bed, whilst she carefully put each form in its correct place and drew round the outline using a felt tip pen. Then she stuck a number of shaped pieces of velcro directly on to her chest inside the area to be covered by each breast, and then stuck the corresponding pieces on the back of each form.
‘These Velcro patches should carry most of the weight of each breast for you but we’ll glue them to your skin around the edges as well,’ she said.
Josie didn’t say anything, but looked a little anxious, so I smiled and assured her that it wasn’t going to hurt.
Mum carefully spread a thin line of glue just inside each outline and a corresponding line around the edge of each form. After waiting for a little while for the glue to cure, she carefully placed each one in turn and quickly wiped away any surplus.
‘Josie, I want you to hold each breast in place whilst I carefully smooth round the edges with my finger tips to ensure that they are firmly stuck down.’
Once she had finished, this task, Mum removed all visible traces of the felt tip pen using some ‘wet-wipes’.
‘I’m afraid these will not be easy for you to take off when the time comes, and you mustn’t try and do it by yourself without using the right solvent. On the other hand, your new breasts should be quite secure, even in the shower, and they will not do any harm to you even if you they remain attached for a little while’.
‘How long is that?’ I asked Mum.
‘We’ll check that everything is alright on Wednesday, and if so we can re-attach them in time for the convention.’
‘May I sit up now and have a look at them Aunty Jean?’ asked Josie.
‘No I would like you to stay put for a little while longer please whilst I put on a little flesh-coloured concealer to disguise the joins’ said Mum. ‘You’ll need to learn how to do this job for yourself if you are going to wear a low cut top and show off your cleavage’.
Ten minutes later Mum at last gave Josie permission to sit up and allow her new breasts to dangle freely. They were not particularly large breast forms, but once they were free they seemed to grow under the influence of gravity and also to pull the surrounding skin into shape. At first Josie was worried that the weight might cause them to fall off, but it soon became obvious that they were quite securely fixed to her, even though they did constantly seem to move, almost of their own accord.
‘So how does it feel to have a couple of extra pounds pulling down on your chest?’ I asked.
‘They feel a little odd, and keep moving about as I move,’ she said as she stood up and walked around. ‘I can see now why girls need to wear bras to keep them under control.’
‘Yes, welcome to our world. Come and have a look at them in the mirror’ suggested Mum.
‘I can’t see where they begin and I end,’ she said.
‘Good, that’s the idea. You should think of them as if they were a part of you for the next week,’ I added.
Mum left us and I proceeded to show Josie how to put on and adjust her bra so that her new appendages felt a lot more comfortable.
‘They feel a bit more under control now, but I am sure the extra weight is making me stand and move differently’.
‘That’s only to be expected, and it will help in making you look a little bit more convincing’ I said.
I went to my bedroom and retrieved a particularly low cut top that I didn’t wear too often myself as it made me feel a little self-conscious..
‘Here, try this on, it’ll show off your cleavage and you can wear it with the black skirt you wore yesterday’.
Josie put it on and again looked at herself in the mirror.
‘They look pretty impressive don’t they?’ she commented, blushing a little, but also quite pleased with herself.
‘Yes they do, but I think you need to wear a pendant with that top, something that will attract the viewers’ eyes down towards your cleavage. Hang on a minute, I have just the thing’.
I returned a few minutes with a silver chain with a ruby coloured pendant, which I put round her neck.
‘There’s also a pair of matching earrings if you don’t mind me taking out those studs,’ I said.
‘Alright then, as long as you can help me put them in, I’m still not quite used to having these long finger nails’ she answered.
Jenny and Sue were most impressed by, and I suspect were even a little envious of, Josie’s new breasts. Whereas before she was obviously the youngest in the group, she now seemed to have the body and looks of a sixteen or seventeen year old. They were amazed that she could wear such a low cut top without it being obvious that her breasts were not the real thing.
After we’d all stopped for a coffee and to admire Josie’s boobs, Sue proceeded to give her a first lesson in applying makeup. My sister is a good teacher on this topic, carefully explaining what everything was for and the effect she was hoping to achieve, both demonstrating, but also allowing her to do part of the job by herself. Where Josie’s lack of experience showed through, Sue carefully showed her how to repair the damage.
‘Oh, there’s so much to learn, I’ll never manage to pick everything up in a single week,’ commented Josie, fretfully.
‘You needn’t worry about the competition itself,’ said Sue, ‘we’ll help one another to get ready, and I expect Mum and Aunt Carol will help us as well. However, there may be other occasions over the weekend when it will be useful if you can put on your own makeup, without our help. So if you do your best every morning for the next week, you will gradually get the hang of it.’
As soon as Sue was finished, we both helped Josie to take out the rollers and brush her hair. We then called Mum and Jenny to come and have a look.
‘My goodness Josie, I thought you looked pretty good last night, but now you’ve turned into a real beauty,’ said Mum.
Josie looked embarrassed by the comment but we could also see that she looked pleased as well.
‘Thank you everyone. I really think that I’m going to enjoy myself over the next week.’
by Louise Anne Smithson
I arrived at Jean’s house at midday on Sunday and rang the doorbell. It was answered by a poised and sophisticated young woman, aged about seventeen, with long hair and prominent breasts. I assumed she must be a friend of the twins, and it took me a few seconds before I realized, that the ‘she’ standing in front of me used to be my son.
‘Oh my God, Joe! Whatever have they done to you?’ I asked in unfeigned amazement, as soon as I realized who it was.
For a second the recipient of my astonishment also looked surprised, but then responded.
‘Remember it is going to be ‘Josie’ and ‘she’ for the next week, Mum, ‘otherwise it could get embarrassing if someone were to overhear you.’ she replied blushing at my initial reaction.
‘Alright, Josie, but what have they done to you?’
‘Don’t worry, nobody has done anything to me that cannot be undone without too much trouble,’ she replied, this time with a smile.
Before I could give any other reaction we were joined by the others, who wanted to know my opinion of the transformation of my son into a second daughter.
‘I was expecting that you might be able to turn him into a fairly convincing looking fourteen year old girl, but I’d no idea that I would be meeting such a beautiful young woman this morning’ I replied. ‘You’ve all done wonders, and she might easily be taken for being sixteen or seventeen’.
I noticed Josie looking bashful as I said this, but she also looked quite gratified as well.
‘Now that we have her looks sorted, we’ll have to ensure that she can also talk and act like a girl in time for next weekend,’ said Karen.
‘In that case, we can begin by going out for lunch together to give her a little more experience of appearing as Josie in public,’ I replied.
Jean and I, and our respective daughters therefore went out for a meal together at a country pub in a village over towards Horsham. It was a nice sunny day and so we had our meal at a table in the garden. We all stuck to soft drinks, however, as I would soon be driving and the girls were all under age.
As far as I could see, Josie’s appearance and demeanour didn’t excite any particular attention from the customers or bar staff, other than that she appeared to come from an unusually well-dressed group of young women. I could see a group of lads at another table ‘giving them all the eye’, but that was only to be expected, and nobody made a move as it was obvious that the girls were out with their mothers. We all chatted together quite happily, and no-one overhearing our conversation would have guessed that there was anything unusual about any member of our little assembly.
Soon after she’d finished her meal, Josie turned to her sister and whispered, ‘I’m going to need to use the toilet’.
‘No problem,’ answered Jenny, smiling. ‘The ladies toilet is just over in the corner there. If you like, I’ll come with you, this time, just to make sure you’re alright and to help you to repair your makeup, afterwards.’
‘Thank you, I should appreciate that’.
‘I think I need to go as well,’ said Karen.
‘Me too!’ added Sue, not wanting to be left out.
’If nothing else, the events of this last weekend appear to have improved relations between my two,’ I commented to Jean after they left.
‘I think Josie is proving to be a good influence on all three of them, as long as you are also happy about it,’ said Jean.
I thought for a moment before replying.
‘I suppose I’m happy about it, as long as she is as well.’
'So far, that seems to be the case,' said Jean.
Inevitably it took the girls a little while to return, and they were all giggling together as they did so. I looked across to Jean, she rolled her eyes and shook her head, as if to say, ‘I really don’t know what to make of it.’
‘Come on now girls, I need to take you back to Crawley as I'll soon have to leave for my business trip.
The four girls seemed to be chatting happily in the rear seats of my work six-seater car. Inevitably Jenny and Sue sat together, but Josie seemed to be getting on well with Karen as well. Jean sat in the front with me.
On the way home Jean reminded her daughters that they had previously promised to write addresses on about five hundred envelopes for her business over the next few days. It was in return for their mother taking three days off over the next weekend, and was for an advertisement that she wished to send to all her customers.
‘As Jenny and I are staying can we help you with the task as well?’ asked Josie.
‘Yes of course, if you are willing to do so?’ replied Jean.
This offer went down well with both Sue and Karen, less so, I suspect, with Jenny, but the four girls agreed that they would begin the job the following afternoon after having spent the morning doing the household shopping at the local supermarket.
We arrived back at Jean’s house at about 2.45pm.
‘Before I leave, may I have a brief private word with each of my daughters?’ I asked.
‘Yes of course you can, please come in and use the front room,’ said Jean
As we entered the house Jean shooed the others out of the way and I took my newest daughter to the front room for a chat.
‘Are you sure you are alright with all this Jo ... sie?’ I asked. ‘I didn’t realise that your sister and her friends were planning to take it quite so far.’
‘Yes I suppose so, and in any event it is a bit late for me to be having second thoughts now that I've acquired all these appendages,’ she answered looking down at her finger nails, but I couldn’t help but notice her boobs, set off as they were by a ruby pendant.
‘It might represent a waste of everyone’s efforts, but if you were truly unhappy and were beginning to have second thoughts, I would support you,’ I said.
‘To be honest, I’ve quite enjoyed myself so far, as long as no-one else finds out, but what do you think I should do Mum?’ she said.
‘I think that you must decide for yourself. If you want to know my opinion, I was rather taken aback by the extent of your transformation a little earlier on, but I’m now beginning to get used to the idea of having two daughters, if you do not object,’ I replied smiling.
‘Alright then I will stick with the promise that I made yesterday, but please don’t get too keen on the idea of having a second daughter, remember I’ve only agreed to stay as Josie for this coming week’.
I smiled.
‘Yes, of course, my dear. Well good luck, I’ll be keeping in touch by telephone and will see you all on Friday morning,’ I said giving her a hug and a kiss. ‘Now will you please tell your sister that I’d like a quick word with her.’
Josie left, and a few minutes later, Jenny took her place.
‘Jenny. I want you to promise me to behave sensibly over the next few days and particularly to remember that you’ve promised to look after your sister and ensure that nobody else finds out her secret’.
‘I will Mum, you don’t need to worry. I’ve always wanted to have a sister and it will be good fun teaching her how to act like a girl’.
‘Alright, but be sure to take good care of her, and remember that she’s risking a lot for your sake, and the sake of your friends. Despite appearances, she isn’t as grown up or experienced as you are.’
‘Don’t worry Mum, I promise that I’ll look after her.’
With that I went and thanked Jean once again for letting my two stay, said goodbye to the twins and drove off, wondering how my new daughter was going to get on over the next few days.
As soon as Mum left us yesterday, the twins and I began to teach Josie her dance routine and singing part. Fortunately she would only be a part of the harmony and also had a relatively minor dancing role. This was just as well as I imagine it would be quite difficult for her to do anything too ambitious wearing those high heels. She took it all in good part though, and worked hard. It seemed likely that with a little more practice she would be ok. We also looked at some recordings of the Spice Girls from the 1990s on You-tube to try and give her an idea of what we were seeking to achieve. They did seem rather old fashioned, but it was supposed to relate back to the 1990s.
There was also the second competition relating to costume from the 1890s, which would not involve music or dance but merely a costume parade. We’d each of us acquired or adapted a long dress to wear and needed to know how to move and gesture. We therefore went out for a walk to the local video rental shop where we selected a Henry James costume drama from the period. The stories were pretty dull but we were able to take note of how the female characters dressed and behaved at a ball.
Josie did well once again on our shopping trip and didn’t appear to attract any attention to us. By mid-morning we’d managed to find everything on Aunt Jean’s shopping list and so we sat down for a coffee and a cake in the supermarket restaurant. After a few minutes we were joined by Sarah who was in the same class as the twins and myself.
‘Hi everyone, it’s so nice to see you all,’ she gushed. ‘Have you heard the news about Denise?’
‘Yes, we went to see her on Saturday morning,’ answered Karen, and commenced telling her the full story.
As she did so, I looked across to Josie who was now looking distinctly uncomfortable as a result of the new arrival. Joe was in a different year from Sarah, and had probably never spoken to her before, but she would no doubt have recognized her, all the same. Sarah, for her part showed no signs of any recognition.
‘Sarah, this is my cousin Josie, who’s staying for the week. She’s going to be taking Denise’s place at the convention next weekend,’ I said when Karen had finished talking.
‘Hi Josie, it’s nice to meet you,’ she replied without seeming to give the matter a lot of attention.
Josie offered a weak smile in response and continued to look decidedly uncomfortable.
‘I’m shopping with my mother, and was just going to look at the promotions on the cosmetics counter. There are some ‘buy one get one free’ offers on both lipsticks and eye shadow. Would anyone like to pair up with me to share the cost?’ asked Sarah.
‘Sorry but Sue and I both need to save our money for this coming weekend,’ commented Karen.
Now I know I shouldn’t have done this, but I couldn’t stop myself.
‘How about you Josie? You were telling us that you needed another lipstick,’ I said mischievously.
Karen looked daggers at me. At first my sister appeared surprised, but then she gathered her wits.
’You’re right, I could use a new lipstick and also maybe some eye-shadow,’ she said, somewhat to the surprise of us all.
‘Great, Josie, let’s go over and pick one shade of each,’ said Sarah.
Whilst they were gone, Karen told me off once again and accused me of putting the whole venture at risk.
‘I’m sorry, but I needed to pay her back for volunteering my services addressing those letters for your mother. In any event, I get the impression that she’s quite enjoying herself.
‘I just hope you’re right,’ she replied.
Ten minutes later Josie returned with a bag containing a dark red lipstick, some grey eye shadow, some eyeliner and a wand of black mascara. Apparently Sarah had shared the cost of the first two of these, but had to leave soon afterwards to meet her mother. Josie had then gone back and bought two more items for herself.
As she showed us her purchases, Karen turned to me and whispered: ‘I think you may be right.’
I therefore assumed that I was forgiven for my recent transgression.
When we got home Karen suggested that Josie should try out her new purchases whilst we prepared some lunch. When she re-appeared we found that she’d changed into a dress and put on some makeup quite expertly.
During the afternoon we began the task of addressing Aunt Jean’s envelopes, using a word-processed list on their home computer.
‘I am happy to help with the job, but why can’t this task be automated?’ asked Josie.
‘Unfortunately Mum isn’t very good with computers, and she started keeping her address list as an ordinary word processor file rather than entering them into a database’ explained Sue.
‘We keep telling Mum that she should start keeping her records a little more systematically but she never gets round to it,’ added Karen.
‘But it still ought to be possible to extract a useable address list from this file, would you mind if I had a go before we spend any more time writing them out by hand?’ asked Josie.
‘Yes by all means, we’ll let you get on with it as long as you’re fairly sure it can be done,’ said Karen.
‘Leave it to me. Reformatting files on a word processor and converting them into spreadsheet or database files was one task that Joseph had always been able to do well, and I don’t think the transition to Josie should have affected those abilities,’ she answered.
‘In that case, if Jenny and Sue will take responsibility for preparing the evening meal, I should be able to finish sewing the last costume’ said Karen.
By dinner time my sister had isolated and formatted an address list, and we needed only to buy some sticky labels for her to be able to print them out. Aunt Jean enquired about our progress when she came home and we confirmed that we’d made a start and promised that we’d have the job finished by the Wednesday, so she was happy for us to work on our dance routine and to hold yet another rehearsal once dinner was over.
‘Sue, I think you’ll need to get yourself a pink bra to wear with that dress,’ commented Karen to her as she handed it over.
‘Yes I agree, but I should be able to get myself one in town tomorrow,’ she answered.
‘Josie, we also need to find a way of hiding that give-away bulge between your legs. It is not so obvious in your blue dress but might be visible when you are wearing Denise’s Edwardian dress,’ continued Karen, who had apparently taken on the role of our wardrobe director.
‘The judicious use of some medical sticking tape to tuck away your penis and testicles should be able to sort that out,’ suggested Sue. ‘We can get some in Boots tomorrow’.
‘As long as it doesn’t hurt’ Josie replied.
‘Only when you come to take it off,’ I quipped.
‘I am not sure about that,’ said Josie.
‘Remember your promise about doing what we ask of you,’ added Sue.
‘What about when I need to go to the toilet?’ asked Josie.
‘Then you’ll have to sit down like the rest of us girls,’ I said.
Mum rang during the course of the evening to see how we were getting on. She spoke first to Josie, who presumably told her that all was well, and then came on to me. I half wondered whether I should mention the incident involving the lipstick purchase earlier today, but in the end decided not to. The incident didn’t reflect particularly well on me and I didn’t want to give her anything to worry about before the coming weekend. In the end Mum seemed quite happy and told me that she would ring again on Thursday, although I suspect she may be ringing Aunt Jean more often.
Before going to bed we compiled a list of what would be needed from the shops the following day including some computer labels, some flesh coloured medical sticky tape and a new bra for Sue.
We were all most impressed with Josie yesterday; not only with the way in which she handled the incident involving Sarah, but also her suggestions for addressing the envelopes for Mum. She seems to be gaining in confidence when we are out together and I don’t think anyone that we’ve come across in Crawley has had any suspicions about her so far. She has even seen one or two people from her class in town, but they are in a lower year than the rest of us and so we ignored them, and since Josie now looks a year or two older than Joseph I don’t think any of them would have identified the girl who was keeping us company. Josie therefore seems to be getting on fine when she is part of a group although I still wondered how she might manage out on her own. I therefore made a suggestion to the others over breakfast.
‘Why don’t we send Josie to a lingerie shop on her own today to buy my bra, whilst the rest of us get the other items we need? It can be a special project for her and will be a good way of demonstrating to us how well she’s doing as a girl,’ I said.
‘Which shop do you have in mind?’ asked Jenny.
‘La Senza, in County Mall, near to the station. I can usually find what I’m looking for there.’
‘I’m not sure that I’d be confident enough to go on my own, and in any event, I wouldn’t know what to buy for you,’ Josie commented.
‘Don’t worry, I’ll explain to you what colour and size I need, and if you bring the wrong one back then you’ll just have to take it back to the shop and change it,’ I said with a smile.
Jenny and Karen agreed that this would be a good plan and assured her that she would be fine. After a little bit of persuasion and reassurance from us all, Josie eventually agreed do the shopping on her own. When we got to town I handed over some money and provided her with detailed instructions as to what I wanted. Jenny, Karen and I went looking for the printer labels and the surgical tape and we all agreed to meet up in a café half an hour after we’d left her.
We were at the rendezvous on time, but Josie didn’t show up and after ten minutes we began to become a little anxious in case something had happened to her, or we’d had expected too much from her. Eventually she arrived twenty five minutes later than promised, and carrying two bags from La Senza.
‘Is that one alright Sue?’ she said handing over the smaller bag.
I looked inside.
‘Yes, that looks fine thanks, but what kept you for so long?’ I asked. ‘We were just beginning to get worried about you’.
‘Sorry, but I had to go to a cash dispenser to withdraw some money from my account,’ she replied.
‘Why was that?’ asked Jenny
‘Well, I know you will all think I’m crazy, but in the shop they had a really lovely matching set of lingerie in my size for half price. The set was in the same colour as the baby blue dress that I’m going to be wearing on the Friday night, so I decided to go out and buy it.’
She smiled and shrugged her shoulders as if it was the most natural thing in the world for her to do. As you can guess, we were all surprised by this admission. All the same, we asked to see her purchases and couldn’t help but admire the light blue silky bra, camisole, suspender belt and knickers that she showed to us, nor deny that they were a real bargain for the price she’d paid, even if she would probably only have the opportunity of wearing them on one occasion.
‘They are great but now we’ll have to buy you some stockings to go with the suspender belt,’ said Karen.
During the course of the afternoon Josie was true to her promise and successfully printed out Mum’s entire address list on to the sticky labels, whilst the rest of us helped to stick them on to the envelopes. The completed pile, ready for posting, was waiting for Mum, together with her evening meal when she returned home from work.
‘These are really brilliant, and they look so professional; thank you very much girls.’
‘It was Josie who printed the labels, we just stuck them on the envelopes,’ admitted Karen.
‘You also now have a separately formatted file containing the names and addresses of your customers, if you ever need any more labels, added Josie. ‘It could form the basis of a new record keeping system.’
Mum was so delighted that she readily agreed to help us to manicure one another’s nails and pluck each other’s eyebrows during the course of the evening. Of course Josie had only recently had a manicure so she spent the evening experimenting with the makeup she’d bought, putting in and taking out some earrings into the newly healed holes in her ears, and trying on different outfits. We also insisted on her modelling her new lingerie in front of us all, together with the matching stockings we’d bought for her afterwards. She was clearly a little embarrassed when we asked her to do so, and so we kept our comments to how nice she looked. However, as soon as she went back up to the spare room to get changed, we had a brief discussion, which also involved Mum.
‘On Monday she bought herself some makeup and today it was some sexy lingerie, I think your sister Josie has been discovering that she enjoys being a girl,’ I said to Jenny.
Jenny was about to respond, when Mum interrupted.
‘Now remember that she is only doing what you asked of her. I remember Karen said that she wanted her both living as a girl and also thinking as a girl, so you can’t blame her for doing what you asked.’
‘You’re right Mum, and she has been making a very good job of it so far,’ answered Karen.
Before we went to bed on Tuesday Mum helped Josie to remove her breast forms, suggesting that she should leave them off for the next day, and then she would help to attach them again on Thursday evening so they could then stay put until we returned home after the convention. I watched: it was a little bit of a fiddly job, involving the use of a solvent, but eventually they came off without too much discomfort. The skin underneath was a little bit pale but there was no sign that they’d done her any harm
My sister Karen has been keeping in regular touch with Denise’s mother to find out how her friend was progressing. She was relieved to discover that all had gone well with the operation, and that Denise was due to be sent home on Wednesday afternoon. Karen asked if she might visit her friend on that day, but her mother requested that she should leave it for one more day, so as not to wear her out. However, she was perfectly happy for the group of us to go ahead with Denise’s original suggestion of holding a dress rehearsal at their house on the Thursday afternoon.
The weather on Wednesday was wet, and so the four of us spent the bulk of the day at home rehearsing, catching up with Mum’s housework or else in preparing the evening meal. We hoped that in return Mum might be willing to help us to do one another’s hair during the course of the evening. When she returned home from work Mum was amazed at the clean and tidy state of the house and her meal ready. She helped Josie to stick on the breast forms once again then us all to wash and set our hair. She also gave detailed instructions as to how we should deal with it when getting ready for our rehearsal the following day.
Whilst she was putting Josie’s hair in rollers I heard Mum raise the topic of computerising her business records with her, following the comment that she’d had made the previous evening. Both Karen and I have told Mum that she needs to do this, and we’ve shown her how to use a word processor, but we aren’t computer experts. Mum once even went as far as buying a special software package for her business but has never used it. She is a little bit technophobic and has never had the time to stop what she was doing, take stock and then begin to convert her existing word processed and paper records.
‘What sort of records do you keep Aunt Jean?’ asked Josie.
‘Well there is the appointments diary, our list of customers, our stock records and then of course my accountant keeps sending me these spreadsheets, although I never know what to do with them, other than read the printouts. Everything is in a bit of a mess really.’
‘It may not be as difficult for you to automate everything as you think. It may be possible to reformat your existing records and insert them in a database. It would require some more detailed investigation to be certain, but I could probably help if you wanted me to,’ she answered.
I could see that Mum was surprised that someone who was not yet sixteen could make such a suggestion. She said that she would think about it and speak to her again.
I rang Denise yesterday evening and we had a long chat. It was the first time that we’d spoken since her operation and we were both anxious to exchange our news.
‘How are you feeling?’ I asked.
‘I'm alright I suppose; a little bit sore, and I’ve been told to take it easy for a while and must not exert myself as I still have stitches and a dressing in place. I just hope the scar won’t be visible when I wear a bikini.’
‘Operation scars these days tend to be much smaller than they used to be. When are they taking your stitches out?’ I asked.
‘I have an appointment at the Outpatient Department next Tuesday morning,’ she replied. Then, as soon as I'm discharged Mum and Dad are planning to take me to our cottage in North Wales for a while afterwards.’
‘How long for?’ I asked.
‘They are talking about staying until the beginning of September, although Dad will have to come back for some meetings at his work from time to time.
‘So I won’t be seeing you much this summer,’ I said feeling a little disappointed.
‘I am sorry,’ said Denise, ‘I’m not too happy about it myself, but they want to take me away somewhere where I can take things easy and won’t be tempted to go out dancing or shopping. Maybe after I’ve been there for a week or two I'll be able to persuade Mum to let you come out and stay with us as there’s plenty of room.’
'OK then,' I responded flatly.
I was rather disappointed by this news as Denise had become my best friend over the last few months, and now I had the prospect of a fairly bleak summer in the company of my sister and her friend.
‘We’ll have to see when the time comes, but in the meanwhile is it still alright for us to come to your place tomorrow afternoon and hold a rehearsal?’
‘Oh yes; I’m most anxious to meet my stand-in and get to know how he’s getting on.’
‘Her new name is Josie, at least until after the convention is over, and she is doing very well indeed. Denise, please remember that you promised to keep this to yourself. Josie really looks and acts the part well and so the only way her secret is likely to be uncovered would be if one of us lets something slip.’
‘Yes, of course, I’ll be careful what I say tomorrow. As far as my parents know, my place is being taken by Jenny’s cousin.’
‘Good, let’s keep it that way for Josie’s sake.’
‘By the way, how will you all get over here tomorrow?’
‘As there are four of us and we’ll be bringing our costumes, I suppose we’ll have to take two taxis.’
‘Shall I ask my Mum if she can pick you up in her station wagon?’
‘Yes please, if she’s willing to do so.’
Denise’s Mum rang me back ten minutes later and confirmed that she would collect us at 2.00 pm. She also invited us all to stay for dinner, and promised that her husband would drive us home when he got back from work in the evening. I went in to see Mum to check that this would be alright with her. She was just finishing off Josie’s hair, which was looking really smart.
‘Are you sure that Josie is going to be alright tomorrow afternoon?’ Mum asked. ‘After all Denise’s parents have no knowledge about her true situation’.
‘If Josie can manage to go in to a lingerie department on her own and buy herself some girlie underwear, I don’t think she should have too much trouble dealing with Denise’s parents,’ Sue said.
I noticed Mum smile, but she didn’t say anything. Josie blushed a little.
‘Maybe I did get a bit carried away and was being reckless on Tuesday, but I don’t think anyone realised about me,’ she replied.
‘I’m sure she’ll be alright, as long as we can do something about hiding Joseph’s left over dangly bits, as a bulge will be visible when she wears that tight pink dress,’ Sue continued.
‘Well don’t do anything too drastic, remember that Joseph is going to need those dangly bits in good working order next week,’ said Mum laughing.
Josie looked as if she wasn’t sure whether we were joking or not. She did however accept that we were going to have to do something, no matter how embarrassing it might be for her.
‘You’ll soon discover that any girl has to suffer a little discomfort for the sake of her appearance,’ Sue suggested.
‘Most girls will have to suffer far greater indignities than that during the course of their lives,' added Jenny.
Josie reluctantly agreed to let us do something for her after Mum had left for work this morning. I’d privately warned the other two about making any funny or derogatory comments about her anatomy beforehand — it was going to be embarrassing enough for the poor girl as it was. We invited Josie to come through to my bedroom, take off her knickers and lie down, whilst we decided what to do. She did so but looked extremely embarrassed.
‘It’ a strange looking organ, I’m glad I don’t have one of those,’ I thought to myself, but said nothing and adopted a detached and professional attitude to my task. I also gave my sister a sly but nevertheless sharp kick when it seemed as if a smirk was about to break out on her face. I put on some latex gloves from the medicine cabinet, and began the task of strapping the organ out of the way by using strips of surgical tape.
‘Remember she still has to be able to urinate, so don’t make it too tight and don’t cover the tip’ Sue suggested.
Jenny looked on in horrified disgust, but kept her thoughts to herself.
‘How does it feel Josie?’ I asked, when I’d finished.
‘It doesn’t feel particularly uncomfortable at present but I’ll have to see what I feel like when I need to have a wee. The main problem is that with these breasts in place I can no longer see myself down there’.
‘That’s alright, most girls are unable to see themselves down there. If necessary you can always look at yourself using a hand mirror, but the whole object is to hide everything from view’ Sue said.
‘By the way how are your breasts feeling today?’ I asked.
‘They are fine, they are both securely fixed and not at all sore.
‘Good, so they should be alright until Sunday?’
‘I guess so.’
‘That’ll be one less thing for us to worry about.
Jenny handed her sister a pair of clean knickers to put on, and I went and found the tight skirt that we’d asked her to wear on Saturday, and to try it on for a few minutes. Josie walked around, sat down, crossed and uncrossed her legs, whilst we all looked carefully before confirming that there were no signs of any giveaway bulge.
‘If you can bear to keep it stuck down until the competition on Saturday night, that should be the answer to the problem’ said Jenny.
‘I’ll have to see whether I can urinate like this first of all,’ said Josie.
‘Let us all have a glass of orange juice, and then we’ll wait and see what happens’ said Jenny.
Ten minutes later Josie announced that with a little bit of discomfort and after some minor adjustment down below she’d managed to empty her bladder, and wiped the tip without too much trouble. Since it would inevitably be painful for her to keep pulling off the sticking plaster and then replacing it, she was willing to leave it in place for a few days until after the competition.
Once we’d finished sorting out Josie’s nether regions we tidied up the house and began to help one another to get ready for our dress rehearsal. As usual, Jenny and Sue helped each other in Sue's room, and so Josie came through to my room. As she was fixing my hair for me it occurred to me that I was right in what I’d said to Denise. Josie was doing remarkably well as a young woman, given her age and lack of experience.
I was relieved to learn that Denise’s young friends had found someone to take her place, and that Jenny’s mother would now be driving them to the convention. Denise and I had been looking forward to a weekend away with Jean and her daughters, but there was nothing that either of us could do about it once she was admitted to the hospital. However, at least I no longer have to feel guilty about letting them all down. I’ll also be quite pleased to get away to our cottage in Wales with Denise for a few weeks as soon as she’s able to travel, but I’ve made it clear to her that we will be taking things easily this time. There will be no more of the usual exhausting shopping trips to Liverpool or Chester; there is no more space for new clothes in her wardrobe or chest of drawers as it is.
After she came home after her operation Denise asked me, if I would collect her friends so that they could come round to our house and cheer her up. I was happy enough to do so long as she promises not to try anything silly such as attempting to dance along with them. I’m getting to know Karen quite well, and think that she is a sensible girl but I’ve only seen her sister and their friend Jenny on a couple of occasions. They are a little more flighty, but I guess they’re all typical teenage girls.
When I arrived at Jean’s house at lunch-time there was also another girl with them. She was a little shorter than the others, about the same size as Denise. She was quite pretty with lovely long brown hair, which looked as if it had been styled recently.
‘Hi Mrs Crawford and thanks for giving us all a lift this afternoon, said Karen. ‘By the way, this is Jenny’s cousin, Josie, who will be taking Denise’s place at the Convention,’ she continued, referring to the newcomer.
The new girl smiled a little shyly and shook hands with me.
‘I was very sorry to hear about Denise, and glad she’s now recovering. I hope she wasn’t too disappointed about having to miss the competition,’ she said.
‘Yes, she was a little upset, dear, but her father and I plan to take her away on holiday as soon as she’s signed off by the hospital,’ I replied.
‘That’ll be nice for her. Thank you for letting me go in her place, and lending me her costume.’
She struck me as being a polite, sensible kind of girl.
‘That’s all right, my dear. I was just pleased to know that the other three won’t be disappointed as well. I understand that your Aunt will also now be going in my place.’
The new girl looked puzzled for a second, but Jennifer joined the conversation.
‘Yes, my cousin is staying for a few days and then Mum will be driving us to the convention. She is also going to stay for the weekend in your place. By the way, she asked me to find out how much she owes you for the tickets.’
‘Tell her not to worry about the payment, I’m just glad that she’ll be able to take over from me. I’m also relieved that Jean will have a second adult to help keep an eye on the four of you.’
‘But we would never give anyone any trouble, would we girls?’ said Sue to the others, laughing.
The new girl smiled but seemed a little hesitant.
I’d told Denise that she ought to stay in bed on Thursday morning but that we’d help her to go downstairs to sit on the sofa once her friends arrived. I therefore directed the four girls to go up to her bedroom.
‘Come in everyone and put your costumes on my bed,’ said Denise as they entered.
I stayed for a little while as the visitors made enquiries as to my daughter’s health, but I could see they were all waiting for me to go. This was fair enough, I know that I wouldn’t have wanted my Mum present when I was with my girlfriends at that age. As soon as I left there was loads of excited girlish chatter and giggling coming from her bedroom, which of course immediately subsided as I re-entered the room half an hour later with some drinks for everyone. The girls did however permit me to join them to watch their song and dance routine in our sitting room.
‘Girls that was very good,’ I said, ‘you all look great, just like a real 1990s girl group.
(I wouldn’t have said anything else to them, but in actual fact it was quite true.)
‘Thank you Mrs Crawford. Three of us have been practising for much of the last fortnight and Josie has worked hard over the last few days to fill in for Denise,’ said Karen.
Denise looked impressed as well.
‘Alright, so that’s the first competition covered. So now may we see you in your historical costumes,’ she said. ‘Josie, would you like me to help you get changed and put on that dreaded corset?’
Before Josie had a chance to answer, I interrupted.
‘No dear I don’t want you doing anything that might put a strain on your stitches. I’ll help Josie to get dressed’.
The new girl seemed to be horrified by the prospect of my helping her to get changed.
‘No, honestly Mrs Crawford, it will be alright I’ll do it for her’ said Karen, ‘after all we have to be able to get one another ready on Saturday evening’.
‘Mum, if I promise not to do anything to help, can I at least go with them and watch Josie get herself ready,’ said Denise, ‘after all she will be wearing my dress’.
‘Alright then,’
The girls took another forty minutes or so to get changed into their long dresses and to help one another to style their hair. I knew from experience that the dress I’d bought for Denise would require the services of someone to tie of the laces on the corset.
Eventually the four of them came downstairs in their new outfits, and paraded round the sitting room. They all looked lovely, but there was no doubt that Josie looked the best, and I felt quite sorry for Denise that the dress which had been bought for her would now be worn by another girl, but of course I couldn’t say anything. That didn’t prevent my daughter from saying what was on my mind.
‘All four of you look really great, but I’m bound to be a little biased since I chose Josie’s dress in the first place, so I think that looks best of all.’
Josie didn’t say anything and avoided the gaze of the others, but I could see she was quite pleased.
Our visitors changed back into their everyday clothes and spent the rest of the afternoon entertaining Denise in her bedroom until it was time for tea. After tea they all watched a video until Jack announced that it was time for him to drive them all home.
‘Good luck to everyone tomorrow evening and over the weekend,’ said Denise as they were leaving, ‘I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed for you all. And as for you Josie, I’m amazed at the progress you’ve made over the last week’.
I wasn’t sure exactly what she meant by that but Josie seemed to glow with pleasure.
I try to keep in touch with both of the children each day by mobile phone whilst I’m away from home. I’ve been relieved to find out that, despite the slightly unusual circumstances in which I’d left my son, things seemed to be working out well this week. In fact it is a long time since Joe (or Josie as ‘she’ now insists on being called) has sounded so animated. I found it easier to think of her as my younger daughter when she was standing before me, in person, but I’m gradually getting used to the idea of relating to her as a girl on the phone. Even Jenny has been positive about the progress of her younger ‘sister’ whilst I’ve been away. I had no particular concerns when I spoke to them both on Monday and Tuesday, but Jenny did let something slip during her conversation with me last night, which concerned me a little.
‘Josie has been out and got herself a lovely blue lingerie set to go with that baby-doll dress that Karen was making.’
‘Where did she get them from?’
‘La Senza, in County Mall.’
‘You mean ‘she’ went out and bought them for herself? Using her own money?’
It has always been something of a family joke that Joe would only ever spend his pocket money on upgrades for his computer, and then would spend weeks scouring the Internet looking for the best possible deal, before he did so.
‘Well the rest of us were hardly going to pay, it’s bad enough that we have to loan her the other clothes that she’s been wearing this week.’
‘Why on earth would she want to do that?’ I asked.
‘Well they were very reasonably priced,’ answered Jenny, seemingly surprised by my question.
I’d already spoken to Josie by then and didn’t want to make an issue about it, but nevertheless decided that I would use the next opportunity to have a talk with Jean about the incident. I wasn’t too sorry when Jenny announced later in our conversation that the four of them would be going to visit Denise on Thursday afternoon and staying for dinner and that I shouldn’t bother to ring them. This would at least give me the opportunity to have a private word with Jean before I saw them both again. I therefore told Jenny to keep an eye out for Josie and to warn her to take care when they went out.
I arrived back in Rusper at teatime on Thursday, unpacked my suitcase and then repacked it again with the clothes that I was going to need for the weekend. I fixed myself something to eat, and washed my hair, before telephoning Jean. I was glad to find that she was at home when I rang her and I knew that her daughters were out together with my own children..
‘Hi Jean, how have you been finding things over the last week?’ I asked.
‘Everything has been fine, thanks Carol. My girls have never been so co-operative nor given me less trouble before. I’m sure it must be the calming influence of your daughters’.
‘I suppose I really want to know how my youngest ‘daughter’ has been getting on.’
‘Honestly, there have been absolutely no problems since you left us on Sunday. In fact Josie has worked hard to become a convincing young lady. As far as I know, nobody that she has come across has recognised Joseph or raised any question about her sex. I must admit that for the last day or so I’ve also tended to forget that Josie used to be a boy and now think of ‘her’ rather than a ‘him pretending to be a her,’ answered Jean.
‘Oh’ I replied, a little surprised.
‘She’s also been really helpful to me in sorting out a computerised list of my customers. In fact, all told, I’ve been most impressed with your younger daughter,’ she continued.
‘You don’t think she’s taking things a little too far?’ I asked.
There was a slight pause.
‘Well I did ask you whether you were alright with their plans, and you implied that I should go ahead and cooperate.’
‘Yes I know, and I’m not criticizing you, Jean. But I’m not sure how I should react to the news that she’s been out and bought herself a bra and pants. One minute I’m telling you about how worried I am because of Joe’s depression, and now you’re telling me that ‘Josie’ is having a really good time living as a girl.’
‘She also bought herself some makeup on Tuesday,’ added Jean.
‘Really? Do you think this may go deeper than we imagined, and that she’s transgendered?’
‘She has only been living as Josie for just over four days, so it is a little early to be jumping to too many conclusions, but I think you should consider it is a possibility.’
‘I see,’ I replied not knowing what else to say at that point.
‘What would you reaction be if Josie did confirm to you that she was transgendered?’
‘I don’t know. I’m not sure of the implications of that would be. I just want her to be happy but wouldn’t want her do anything she might regret later on.’
‘Well she certainly doesn’t give the impression of being unhappy at present.’
‘What do the others think about it?’
‘I’m not sure; they just seem to accept her as one of themselves.’
‘What do you think I should do?’ I asked.
‘I don’t think there is anything you can do before the coming weekend other than to accept the idea of having a second daughter. I think that once you get used to it, you will be quite pleased with the result.’
‘So you think that we should continue with the weekend trip to the convention?’ I asked.
‘Oh yes, all four of the girls have put such a lot of effort into getting themselves ready, I don’t think we could possibly back out at this stage.’
‘But then what?’
‘I’m afraid you’ll just have to play it by ear, but there should be plenty of opportunity for us to talk about it further over the weekend if you wish. The main thing is not to worry too much at this stage, and just enjoy the prospect of having two daughters for a while.’
‘Alright then Jean, what time shall I collect you all tomorrow?
‘We need to check in to the accommodation between three and five, and it is likely to take you about three and a half hours to drive there, so why not come over at about midday so we can have a quick lunch together before leaving’.
‘That will suit me,’ I replied. ‘Now that I have spoken to you I am quite looking forward to the weekend’.
Once I’d finished the call to Jean, I logged on to our computer and searched Google for references to ‘transgendered’. Somewhat to my surprise I was quickly overwhelmed with references and so had to begin to refine my search by combining it with words and phrases such as ‘young people’ and ‘advice for parents’. Before I knew it, it was nearly midnight and I’d downloaded and printed out half a dozen files, several of which contained exactly what I was looking for. There was a lot for me to read and think about over the next few days.
Our dress rehearsal yesterday went very well indeed and we were all in good spirits as Denise’s Dad drove us home. I therefore used the opportunity to have a quiet word with my sister before we went to bed.
‘Jenny and I have been looking forward to sharing a hotel room together at the Convention, I don’t suppose you’d be willing to share with Josie, since you seem to get on well together?’ I asked.
Karen smiled.
‘So you would allow your twin sister risk her maidenly honour,’ she said in a mock surprise.
‘I hardly think there’s much danger of that since we’ve stuck ‘her’ penis between her legs, quite securely,’ I replied.
‘Alright then, I don’t mind sharing with Josie, if it is alright with her. At least I won’t then have to put up with your untidiness.’
‘Thanks, Sis, and I won’t now need to complain about your snoring.’
I sent a text with the good news to Jenny, who was sharing our spare room with Josie. Five minutes later Jenny confirmed that the new arrangement would be ok with her sister as well.
Mum was ready and packed by nine o’clock this morning, but she had to pop in to her work for an hour or two to make sure that everything would be alright over the weekend. She left us to get on with our own packing during the course of the morning, but insisted that there would only be room in the car for one large suitcase per hotel room, so Jenny and I, and Karen and Josie would have to share cases. I took responsibility for drawing up a packing list for everyone. We also arranged over breakfast that everyone would bring their stuff to my bedroom so we could co-ordinate our packing, and make sure that nothing was forgotten
‘We are all going to need our two costumes plus one further change of clothes,’ I said. ‘Make sure that you pack enough underclothes, a nightdress or pyjamas, two pairs of shoes, any jewellery you’re likely to need, a grooming set for your hair, cosmetics, handbag, money, a camera and tampons if you are likely to need them.’
Jenny was on the point of making a clever comment with respect to the last, but Karen was able to get in a subtle kick to her shins before she could do so and without Josie noticing.
Over the next hour we neatly packed the two cases, double-checking that everything was included. By this time Mum had returned from work, and seemed quite pleased that we’d made such good progress.
‘Alright girls, I now suggest that you should all change into your clothes for the journey, and put on some makeup, so that we can close up the cases and take them down to the hall to await Aunt Carol’s arrival.’
I was changed first followed by Josie who’d put on a rather attractive dark red shirt dress (loaned to her by her sister), together with Karen’s pendant and earrings and a pair of my high heels. As usual, she looked pretty good.
‘May I finish off my makeup in your room, Sue, as Jenny is using the dressing table mirror in the spare room?’
‘Go ahead.’
Karen came in at that point.
‘You know Josie, to look at you put on your lipstick and mascara I would have sworn that you had been doing it every day for the last year or so, and not just a few days’ commented Karen.
‘Well isn’t that what you wanted, for me to look and act as much like a girl as possible?’ she answered, defensively.
‘Yes of course, I think you make a great girl,’ she answered, sounding as if she really meant it.
Josie smiled, and then looked at her polished finger nails.
‘I don’t suppose that either of you have some darker nail polish that I could borrow; this colour doesn’t go very well with my lipstick and the dress’.
My sister and I exchanged significant glances with one another.
‘How about this one?’ I said handing her a bottle from my dressing table. ‘But I suggest you ask Mum to put it on for you whilst Karen and I take the cases downstairs.’
Aunt Carol arrived soon afterwards to find our luggage packed ready in the hall and Jenny Karen and myself laying the table and preparing some sandwiches.
‘Hello everyone, how has it been during the last week?’
‘We have all had a great time teaching Josie how to behave like a proper young lady’ I replied.
‘So where is she now?’ she asked.
‘Having her nails painted by Aunt Jean: she insisted that her nail varnish should co-ordinate with the dress she was wearing,’ answered Jenny rolling her eyes in mock disgust. ‘She has turned into a real girly girl during the last week’.
‘Now then,’ said Karen coming to her friend’s aid, ‘let us have no sibling rivalry. Josie is only doing what we all asked of her, and in fact has been doing it very well’.
A few minutes later we were joined by Jean and Josie, the latter sporting some immaculately polished finger nails.
'Hi Mum, it's nice to see you,’ she said. ‘I would give you a kiss but I don’t want to spoil my makeup’.
‘Well young lady, you certainly look the part. How have you been over the last week?’
‘I have been having a good time and, believe it or not, I’m actually looking forward to the convention?’
Once again, Karen, Jenny and I exchanged glances. It seemed as if we’d done somebody a good turn.
It was just before 5.00 pm when we arrived at the hotel. There were dozens of other teenage competitors, some of whom were already dressed in their costumes. Mum and Aunt Carol suggested that we should verify the times and locations of the two competitions whilst they checked in at the hotel reception and picked up the keys to our three rooms. Apparently there had been no difficulties arising from the last minute changes and we were pleased to discover that all three rooms were adjacent to one another. As soon as we’d returned Mum handed out the keys to each pair and suggested that we should go to our rooms, quickly unpack and then come down for an early dinner so that we would have plenty of time to get ourselves ready for the first competition.
Jenny, Karen and I had been looking forward to the convention for a long time and we chatted together excitedly comparing our own costumes with those of other competitors, but I noticed that Josie was no longer joining in with us. In fact, for the first time since she’d become Josie, she was showing distinct signs of nervousness. Aunt Carol must have noticed as well.
‘Are you feeling all right Josie?’ she asked.
‘No Mum, I’m not feeling well. I’m sorry to let everyone down but I don’t think I can go through with the competition tonight,’ she said.
My sister, Jenny and I looked at one another, absolutely horrified.
‘Whatever is the matter Josie, you’ve been so confident until now?’ asked her mother.
‘I know Mum, and I feel dreadful about it, but it has gradually been dawning on me what I’m doing and what would happen to me if I were to be found out during the course of this weekend,’ she answered.
‘I am certain that nobody here has given you a second glance, except perhaps to admire your good looks,’ suggested my Mum.
Josie didn’t look convinced.
‘Josie, you’re not going to do anything so unusual, you are merely entering a competition as a member of a team, all of whom will be wearing fancy dress,’ added my sister in her kind voice.
‘I know but it is pretending to be a girl in front of an audience of several hundreds of people. I don’t think I can go through with it.’
‘Oh Josie, you can’t back out now and let us all down. Remember how I said I was so proud of having you as a sister,’ added Jenny.
‘I’m sorry,’ said Josie beginning to cry.
‘Look why not at least let us go in for tonight’s competition as we really need your help. If you really hate it, we can easily withdraw your entry for tomorrow night,’ said Karen.
‘I don’t know what to do,’ said Josie, sniffing.
‘Would it make any difference if I were to help you to get yourself ready?’ asked Aunt Carol.
‘Maybe, I’m not really sure,’ she continued sounding rather pathetic and forlorn.
‘Alright then, Carol will help Josie to get ready in our bedroom. I’ll help the other three of you if required,’ said Mum.‘
‘Aunt Carol took Josie away and the rest of us were left looking at one another and wondering whether our entry would be going ahead or not.
‘Alright girls, the only thing you can do is to get yourselves ready, as if nothing had happened. I’ll be happy to help in any way I can,’ said Mum.
I’m not sure what Aunt Carol said to Josie, but forty five minutes later the two of them joined the rest of us. She’d changed into her costume and renewed her makeup, and was looking pretty good in her baby blue dress, high heels and her hair in two pig-tails. Of course Aunt Carol isn’t a professional hair and makeup artist, like Mum, but a few last minute adjustments by the latter improved things.
‘How are you now Josie?’ asked Mum as she put in a couple more hair grips.
‘I am still feeling pretty nervous, I’m afraid,’ she answered.
‘Well you look like a real beauty, and if I were your mother I’d be proud to have you as my daughter for the weekend’.
‘Thanks for all your help Aunt Jean, I’ll try not to let everyone down tonight’.
We were all astonished when my sister almost wimped out at the last moment last night because, up to that time, she’d impressed us all with her poise and self-confidence. I was about to tell her that if she let us down I would make it my business to inform everyone in our school (including the first years) about how she’d spent the last week and that she’d even bought herself some girly lingerie. However, Karen must have read my mind as she nudged me before I could open my mouth and whispered that we should leave the adults to deal with the crisis. Sue, Karen and I therefore had to get ourselves ready without knowing whether or not we would even be performing.
Eventually, ten minutes before we were due to go on stage, Mum arrived at our room with a nervous looking Josie, who had changed into her baby blue dress, and her hair was in two pigtails.
‘Hi Josie, are you alright now?’ asked Karen.
‘I think so,’ she replied.
‘Well you look really lovely in that blue dress, doesn’t she girls?’ Karen continued.
Sue nodded.
‘Yes, you look great, Sis,’ I said, actually meaning what I said.
Josie blushed a little but thanked us.
In the event all turned out well. Despite the initial upset we seemed to grow in confidence once we walked out on to the stage and gave our version of Wannabe (the old songs are usually the best). Though I say it myself, we gave a fairly polished performance. Sue and I were lead vocals, both strutting our stuff, in our sequinned trousers:
‘I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want,’ began Sue.
‘So tell me what you want, what you really, really want,’ I responded
Josie and Karen dressed in their girly-girl outfits came in with the line:
‘If you want my future, forget my past..’
By the time we’d reached ‘If you want to be my lover’, Josie was provocatively wiggling her bum and tossing her pigtails from side to side in time to the music, eliciting both a cheer and a couple of wolf whistles from the audience. Mum stood in the wings with a look of amazement and horror. Nobody tripped or stumbled during the dance routine, despite the fact that we were all wearing high heels. In fact we were all were pretty good and our performance seemed to go down well. I also noticed that Josie’s sexy lingerie and suspenders, which had been quite visible to the audience, were exactly right. She had noticed what was needed to complete the costume when the rest of us had failed to do so.
After taking a bow, we left the stage with the applause still ringing in our ears. As we came off, I noticed Aunt Jean in the front row having recorded the whole thing on her digital video camera.
‘See it wasn’t so bad was it Josie!’ I said once we were clear and had regained our breath.
‘No, I suppose not,’ she answered looking intensely relieved, but also very happy. ‘But I’m glad it’s now over.’
‘You were great Josie, and, what’s more, you didn’t let us down,’ said Karen giving her a hug and a kiss. ‘We’re all very grateful to you for filling in for Denise at such short notice.’
‘Yes, well done Josie,’ added Sue.
I nodded briefly to show my agreement.
‘Thanks Sue, but it was you and Jenny who did most of the singing, although I think we all danced alright as well. I am sorry, everyone, for nearly losing my nerve.’
‘That’s all right, as long as you don’t let it happen again,’ I said.
‘I think that everybody deserves some congratulation, but we three didn’t have the additional complication of coping with a change of gender, at the same time,’ said Karen.
Josie beamed with pleasure so I decided it was time to put a stop to all this gushing.
‘Alright ladies, that’s enough of all this mutual-congratulation, let’s go and watch the remainder of the competitors and await the results,’ I said.
A couple of the later acts were exceptionally talented and we knew there was no way that we were going to win, but by the end of the show we felt that we’d acquitted ourselves quite creditably. In fact ‘Angelica’ was placed fourth in the competition, with only one vote less than the third place (four lads emulating a boy band from the nineties).
‘I’m sorry girls, you were really unlucky; with only two more votes you would have won our prize,’ said Tom, the singer from the group. ‘Can we make it up to you tomorrow by buying you all a coffee?’
‘What do you think girls? I said addressing the twins; (at the time Josie was busy talking to Mum and Aunt Jean).
Karen and Sue both nodded their agreement.
‘OK guys, we’ll see you at reception at 10.30 tomorrow,’ I said.
‘Will you be wearing your Spice Girl costumes again in the morning?’ asked another lad from the group.
‘Why do you want to know?’ I asked.
‘If you did, we could also wear our costumes and arrange to take a joint photograph of both groups together,’ he answered.
‘It’ll be fun for us all to wear our costumes again,’ said Karen.
Sue seemed to agree, so I agreed as well.
‘In that case we’ll look forward to seeing you tomorrow, girls,’ said Tom, just as Josie, Mum and Jean joined us.
Whilst Mum and Aunt Jean were congratulating the twins, I mentioned to Josie that her services were going to be needed again in the morning.
‘Nobody said anything to me about wearing this costume tomorrow as well,’ she said.
‘Well you’ll want to wear something nice when we meet the lads again, and in any event, we’ll need to get some decent photographs taken of us all to go on the convention web site,’ I said.
‘I just hope that nobody is ever able to recognise ‘Joe’ in the costume, said Josie.
‘I honestly don’t think you need to worry, you look really hot in that baby blue outfit,’ I said.
My sister blushed, but she was beginning to regain her confidence and I don’t think she minded what I’d said.
There was a disco after the competition and we all found ourselves dancing for an hour or so whilst our mothers kept an eye on the handbags and chatted together. Once again Josie showed herself to be quite a sexy little dancer and several guys made their way over in our direction, but we’d promised her that we’d all stick together for the evening. Eventually we made our way back to our rooms feeling quite elated.
We discussed the arrangements for the Saturday with the mums over breakfast this morning.
‘We’re intending to put on our ‘Angelica’ costumes again and spend the morning going round the convention,’ said Sue. ‘That group of lads have asked whether they can be photographed with us.’
‘I assume these lads think that they’re going to be meeting four girls, so please be careful for Josie’s sake,’ said Jean.
‘Yes of course, we’re all very proud of Josie after her performance last night and won’t let her get into any difficulties,’ added Karen.
‘Will you be able to get yourself ready this morning, Josie?’ asked Mum.
‘Yes I suppose so; the worst of the nerves seem to have passed, although I’m still not sure about entering the competition on my own this evening.’
‘Denise will be really disappointed if you don’t do so,’ said Karen.
‘See how you get on this morning, and then you can make your mind up after lunch, if you like,’ suggested Aunt Jean.
‘Alright.’
‘So let’s go and get changed into our costumes, girls,’ I said.
‘Jean, how would you feel about looking round the shops this morning?’ asked Mum as we were about to leave.
‘Alright then, if the girls don’t need our help.’
Once again Josie made a pretty good job of her hair and makeup, somewhat better than I would have done at her age and we set out to find the guys. In fact they proved to be quite good fun. Like us they were accompanied by two sets of parents and so had to be on their best behaviour, but we all had a laugh together all the same. They had come down from the West Midlands, whereas we’d travelled up from Sussex so we were never likely to meet them again after the weekend, so there was no question of pairing off, just eight young people enjoying themselves together.
‘Angelica’ appears to have made a name for ourselves and we found that we’d become minor celebrities overnight. We were even asked for signed publicity photographs of the group, as if we really were a girl group. We had to disappoint those who asked, but were always happy to have our photos taken with anyone who wanted. I even got the impression that Josie enjoyed herself as well. If she was a little hesitant at having her photograph taken at first, she’d managed to get over it by mid-morning was getting in to provocative sexy poses along with the rest of us.
Midway through this morning Carol asked me if I’d like to stop for a coffee and have a chat. I agreed, having been expecting just such an invitation all weekend.
‘Jean, I’m glad to have this opportunity of talking without the children being around. As you probably realize, I’m still a little concerned about Joe or Josie. I don’t know whether to feel pleased and proud about last night for Josie’s sake or be anxious for Joe’s future.’
‘We can’t keep referring to ‘Joe or Josie’ all the time, which one is it to be?’ I asked.
Carol sighed.
‘I supposed we should still refer to ‘Josie’ and ‘her’ at least for the remainder of the weekend.
‘I agree, but before we go any further, can you explain to me exactly what it is that is worrying you?’
‘It’s just that she seems to be taking the role of Josie so seriously. I was a little disconcerted last Sunday when I first saw the way in which you’d all transformed her looks, but I came round to the idea because she seemed to be enjoying herself so much. I began to worry once more when I’d heard that she’d been out and bought herself some underwear, and then by the way in which she’d got herself ready yesterday morning, when I came over to collect you. Then there was that performance last night!’
‘I know,’ I said, ‘I have it all on video. But isn’t Josie just doing what we all asked her to do?’
‘Yes she is, and maybe we were wrong to do so. But it now seems to be more than just a question of doing the other girls a favour. Apart from the understandable bout of nerves last night, Josie seems to be so much more confident and happy as a girl than Joe ever was as a boy. It’s as if she’s an entirely different person. I just wonder whether we have encouraged my child to explore something much deeper in his or her psyche.’
‘But surely it is better to have Josie who is happy rather than Joe who is depressed?’ I said.
‘Yes, of course, but I am worried that we may be encouraging her into something that she may regret later on.’
‘In that case why did you persuade her to take part in the competition last night?’
‘I didn’t try to persuade her one way or the other. I just said that the decision was one for either Joe or Josie to make and that I would go along with whatever he or she decided. I also said that as far as I could see Josie made a very attractive and convincing young lady, who was unlikely to be recognized as anything else. I reminded her that the others were relying on her, but if Joe really couldn’t bear to remain as Josie any longer, I would find a local hotel for us both to stay for the night and that we would go out and get him some male clothing as soon as we could in the morning.’
‘Was it Josie or Joe who responded to you?’
Carol sighed.
‘It was Josie. She told me how much she’d enjoyed her week living as a girl and didn’t want to let the others down. I got the impression that she was more concerned about what you and I must think of her than worried that she might be recognized as being a boy. I tried to reassure her that we both accepted and admired Josie and that girls would too, especially if she didn’t let them down. I think it was that re-assurance that gave her the courage to go on.’
I thought for a while before responding.
‘Josie’s recent conduct certainly raises some questions about Joe’s sexuality and gender identity, but she is still only fourteen. I don’t think you should try and force the issue, one way or another at the moment. After all, it was only a week ago that you were worried that Joe was so depressed and had no friends. Now you’re worried for almost the opposite reason,
‘I know, and as far as I’m concerned Josie can remain as she is for as long as she likes, but I do wonder how she would cope at home in our village or at school if it were to become widely known.’
Jean thought for a moment.
‘What do you think will happen after we get home tomorrow and Josie has to change back into Joe?’
‘I don’t know, I’ve a horrible feeling that he will again become introverted and depressed, and that if anything, I will be more worried about him than I am about her now’.
‘In that case, why don’t you let Josie continue to stay with me and enjoy herself for the time being if she wants to do so, but without making it a big issue. After all, the girls seem to accept her and enjoy her company. Just try and make it clear to her that either persona would be equally welcome to you’.
‘Perhaps I am worrying about nothing’.
‘No I don’t think you are worrying about nothing, you should certainly keep your eye on developments and maybe have a heart to heart conversation with him or her at some point, but I would advise you not to try and force the issue this weekend.’
‘Alright, Jean, thanks for the advice.’
Our conversation moved on to other topics.
‘Do you have any plans to go away on holiday later in the summer?’ I asked.
‘I haven’t booked anything because of the uncertainties of my new job, but I’d like to do something with my two if I can,’ answered Carol.
‘Me too, but the trouble is that at this age they often prefer to be with their friends to being with one another or their mother.’
‘In some respects it would be easier for me if I did have two daughters rather than one of each’
‘Why do you say that, Carol?’
‘I have to go to Southport for an exhibition on Monday and Tuesday of the week after next. My travel and accommodation expenses will be covered by my employers, and I could easily book a second room in the same motel for the kids. We could even add on the weekend as well for very little extra so the visit would be four nights. However, I doubt if Jenny will want to go without Sue, and if I ask Sue I will also have to ask Karen. Now if Joe were willing to travel as Josie once again next week then I could offer to take your two girls with me as well. The five of us could easily share two double rooms in a motel, as each room contains two large beds. Of course the girls would have to look after themselves during the day but I would keep an eye on them each evening and make sure that they didn’t get into any trouble.
‘Why not discuss the idea with your two. I suspect that Joe might be willing to spend another weekend as Josie if you were to explain the circumstances. I’m also fairly sure that my girls would be happy to go with them, and I’d have no problems with you taking them’.
‘So you think my scheme might work?’ asked Carol.
‘I think you should discuss it first with Josie before saying anything to the others so that there would be no question of anyone putting any pressure on to her.’
‘Alright then I’ll raise the matter with her this evening when I am helping her to get ready’.
‘Actually Carol, I was going to make a suggestion about that. Would you mind if I helped Josie to get ready instead of you tonight and you helped the other three?’
‘I suppose not, but why is that?’
‘That Edwardian dress that she is borrowing from Denise is something rather out of the ordinary. I think that I could probably give her a special hair style to match, and I’ve brought some contemporary jewellery for her to wear as well. If you are agreeable, I really could make her look a picture tonight,’ I replied.
‘Why are you offering to do this for Josie and not for your own girls?’
‘The others are quite capable of looking after themselves, and to be honest, I should be quite pleased if Josie were to do better than all three of them in the competition tonight, it would be an object lesson to them all,’ I said smiling.
Carol gave a small chuckle.
‘Alright then, assuming that Josie’s still willing to go in for the competition tonight, you can get her ready. I will have to find a chance to have a talk with her alone tomorrow morning.’
In retrospect, I was quite pleased that the others had accepted the invitation from those lads, as we all had a good time on Saturday morning. It was also nice to put on my costume once again and I’m getting used to the different feel of the clothes. The high heels still make my calves ache, but they do make my legs look so nice. I’m even getting used to the new plumbing arrangements down below, and now think nothing of having to sit down to go to the loo like the others. Likewise, I wasn’t unhappy when Jenny suggested that Karen and I should share a room since she seems more empathetic towards me than the other two. She also seems to treat me just like any other of her friends and I like that. Once I’d got over the bout of nerves yesterday evening, I told myself that I would forget about Joe and his problems until we returned to Crawley, and rather concentrate on enjoying myself as Josie for the weekend. So far it seems to have worked very well.
We stuck around with Tom and his friends for most of Saturday morning and must have posed for hundreds of photographs both individually and in groups. We were also photographed by the organisers of the convention, who wanted to add our pictures to their website. They were quite a lively group of lads, but nobody tried anything on, or made me feel uncomfortable, so when they suggested that we should meet again after lunch none of us had any objections. We found Mum and Aunt Jean in their room at 1.00pm, having just returned from their shopping trip.
‘So, what are you planning on doing this afternoon girls?’ asked Aunt Jean over lunch.
‘We haven’t finished going round the stalls yet,’ said Karen.
‘Are you going to continue to be dressed as the ‘Spice Girls’?’ asked Mum.
‘It’s ‘Angelica’ if you don’t mind, and since most other people seem to be wearing their costumes from last night, I don’t see why we shouldn’t stay as we are until it is time for us to get ready for this evening,’ said Jenny.
Sue and Karen both agreed with the suggestion
‘What about you Josie, is that alright with you?’ asked Mum.
‘I suppose so,’ I answered, ‘as long as the others remember that I am only gradually getting used to walking in these high heels.’
‘Well at least you won’t have to wear high heels for the 1890s fashion parade this evening, they didn’t wear them in the 1890s,’ said Karen.
‘I know but I am not looking forward to having to wear that corset,’ I replied.
‘Remember that you will need some extra time to get yourselves ready for tonight, so I suggest that you should come back to your rooms to get showered by about 5.00pm.’ said Aunt Jean
‘Alright then,’ said Karen.
‘Carol and I have agreed between ourselves that I will help Josie to get herself ready tonight and she will help the rest of you.’
Jenny and the twins had already received advice from Aunt Jean about their makeup and knew what to do with their respective hair styles and so there was no argument. The others got up to leave, but I waited behind for a minute.
‘Aunt Jean I’m not sure whether I am up to entering the competition as an individual tonight; it was different last night because then I was part of a team.’
She smiled and took my hand.
‘Josie, of course it is up to you to decide but if you were alright last night, then I’m sure you will be fine again tonight. In fact we’re all looking forward to seeing you wearing Denise’s dress this evening. Believe me, by the time I’ve finished with you tonight you will look so lovely that you will make all the other competitors jealous, so please say that you’ll enter.’
She said it with such conviction, that I felt I could hardly refuse.
‘Alright then, if you’re sure I will be alright’.
‘Is there any way you could come back an hour earlier than the others, I should like to wash your hair and then put it up in rollers before I try to style it?’
‘I could always make the excuse that my feet ache and come up to your room at 4.00pm,’ I replied
‘Good, please do that and I’ll see you then’.
Two hours later I knocked at the door of Mum and Aunt Jean’s room. They were both in and appeared to have been discussing some documents that Mum had downloaded from the internet.
‘Before you come in Josie I’d like you to go and change out of your existing clothes and just put on a dressing gown and slippers,’ she said. When you’ve done so bring all your clothes for tonight to this room.
I did as instructed, returning five minutes later.
‘Carol, as I said, I’ve something special in mind for your daughter this evening and so I wonder whether Josie and I might have exclusive use of this room for the next hour or so?’
‘Alright then, replied Mum appearing a little surprised. ‘I’ll take my things through to Josie and Karen’s room and get ready there.’
Five minutes later she’d left us.
Getting ready for the previous night had taken forty-five minutes, but this was nothing compared to what Jean had in store for me.
‘Once you’ve showered and washed your hair, you can put on your knickers, bra and a bathrobe for the time being. I,know that bras didn’t exist in the Edwardian period, but you can change again later,’ she said.
I had to take care to avoid getting the tape holding my penis in place from getting wet. I then dressed as instructed and sat down in a chair in front of the mirror. Aunt Jean started to put large rollers into my hair, before covering it with the hood of a hairdryer.
‘Whilst your hair is drying we’ll have another look at your finger nails,’ she said pushing back the cuticles, and then replacing my nail polish with a delicate shade of pink.
She then made a start on my complexion, using a variety of creams, powders and wands to create an even tone
‘I’m now going to have to shape your eyebrows a little’ she said.
‘Be careful, remember I’ll need to go back to looking like Joe soon,’ I cautioned.
‘Worst luck, I thought to myself, but of course didn’t say so.
‘Don’t worry Josie, the changes I do make won’t be too obvious.’
‘I should also like to stick on of some false eyelashes, but don’t worry they are not the kind that will make you look like a drag queen’.
‘How will I get them off?
‘If you leave them in place they will probably stay on for about a week and then come off in the shower, but I can take them off for you whenever you want. If you wish I will do so when I come to remove your breast forms and hair extensions’.
‘Alright then, I suppose I’m in your hands,’ I said.
Before we do your hair, I think it’s time for you to put on your Edwardian style underclothes and get used to wearing the corset. ‘I am afraid it will feel constricting for a while, but you will get used to it,’ she commented as she pulled at the laces.
‘But Aunt Jean I can’t breathe’
‘Take short breaths for now, you’ll gradually get used to it in half an hour or so’.
I sat very still whilst Aunt Jean expertly made up my face and eyes and then piled up my hair into an elaborate hair style incorporating some flowers and ribbons. As I looked in the mirror I was amazed at the gradual transformation that was taking place in front of me. Eventually she helped me to put on the dress and the matching shoes and finally added a necklace, bracelet and some earrings of pink garnet.
‘Can you breathe ok now?’ asked Aunt Jean.
‘Yes, just about’ I answered.
‘How about the shoes?’
‘I can’t say that they are comfortable, but I expect I’ll be able to cope with them for this evening, and they do look nice’
‘Alright then, you can come and admire yourself in the wardrobe mirror’.
I stood looking at myself in amazement. Everything about my face looked just right, from my long eyelashes and shaped eyebrows, my beautiful complexion and elaborate hair style and beautiful earrings dangling from my earlobes. I then admired my shapely figure and beautiful dress.
‘Well, young lady, so what do you think of yourself?’
‘I think I look lovely, thank you very much’ I said.
‘So do I’ added Aunt Jean. ‘I must say that I’m rather proud of my efforts this evening. So let’s now go and see how the others have been getting on.’
Each of the others had made an effort to look her best and had acquired an Edwardian style costume of sorts, but no-one could compete with me in that beautiful satin dress and little pink flowers in my hair.
‘Josie, you look unbelievable,’ said Karen when she caught sight of me. ‘Denise will be absolutely delighted when she sees the pictures.’
‘I am afraid none of us will stand any chance in the competition now,’ commented Sue ruefully.
‘I suppose we only have ourselves to blame, for bringing her here in the first place,’ added Jenny.
However I got the impression that they were also quite pleased for me.
‘It is alright for you three, but I can barely breathe in this corset,’ I commented.
‘Good! It will teach you an object lesson. If you are going to look so beautiful you must be prepared to accept some discomfort,’ said Jenny laughing.
Mum came in at that point, having changed her own dress for the evening. She took one look at me and audibly gasped.
‘You look absolutely gorgeous dear. I’m really proud to have two such lovely daughters’.
a novel with eight voices
by Louise Anne Smithson
We suspected that Mum might have been plotting something special for Josie, after all the dress she was going to wear did look lovely, and she was the only one among us who was small enough to be able to wear it. When Josie left us an hour early, pleading aching feet, we realised what was happening. There were a couple of sour comments about ‘favouritism’, from Jenny and Sue when we got back to our rooms, but I soon put a stop to them.
‘Come on you two, Josie has done a lot for us over the last week. It is only through her co-operation that we are here, and had the opportunity to perform so well last night. The least we can do is to be nice to her this evening.’
‘I suppose so,’ said Jenny, ‘but I’m going to have a lot of ammunition in future if I ever have any trouble from my so-called brother.’
‘Remember your promise, Jenny,’ I said.
‘Oh don’t worry, I won’t actually say anything to anybody, but that doesn’t mean that I might not threaten to do so.’
I left them to get changed and went to the room that I shared with Josie to have a shower and get changed myself. When I got there I found Aunt Carol getting herself ready, apparently having been evicted from her room by Mum and Josie. There was no problem, however, as she’d already taken her shower and got dressed by the time I arrived and was just fixing her makeup. By the time I emerged from the shower she was almost ready and about to leave, but seemed to be waiting to ask me something.
‘Tell me, Karen, how do you find sharing a hotel room with Josie?’
‘It’s fine,’ I said. ‘We get on well together. She’s tidy and considerate, which is more than can be said for my sister.’
‘But you wouldn’t have wanted to share a hotel room with Joe?’
‘Good heavens no; it would be so embarrassing. I wouldn’t know what to say to him,’ I replied.
‘I see,’ said Aunt Carol and left me to continue to get myself ready.
As soon as I was finished I re-joined Sue and Jenny in their room. Sue was also ready, but Jenny was a little way behind us as she’d had to wait to use the shower. I must say that Sue looked pretty good in her costume and I even wondered whether she might have a chance in the competition later. She and I were busy admiring one another’s efforts when Josie and Mum appeared and quite took the wind out of all our sails. Josie looked absolutely stunning and I’m afraid there was no comparison between my sister and her.
‘Just look at you!’ I said, hardly able to believe my eyes.
’You look very nice in that outfit,’ added Sue, probably now realising that her own ambitions had just taken a dive.
Jenny, who had her back to the door as she was putting the finishing touches to her own eyes now turned and caught sight of her new sister. Her jaw visibly dropped.
‘Wow! The shame of it, being put in the shade by my own little bro.. I mean sister.’
Jenny clearly didn’t know what else to say, so I started to tell Josie how lovely she looked when Aunt Carol suddenly re-appeared. She took one look at her and she too gasped audibly. It also took her a second or two to know how to react.
‘How are you feeling Josie?’ she asked.
‘Nervous, but I think I’m alright,’ she replied.
‘Well you certainly look stunning.’
‘In fact you all do,’ she added in what was clearly an afterthought.
Josie looked both bashful but also quite pleased with herself. Jenny continued to look flabbergasted.
‘I’m going to have to get myself ready, but there’s no reason why the rest of you shouldn’t go down to the ballroom now,’ said Mum.
The second competition was going to be judged solely on the basis of the best costumes worn. In the first round all of the contestants paraded before the audience, who then were each permitted to vote for five men and five women to go through to the next round. The five contestants of each sex, who received the most votes, would then be interviewed in front of the audience, and the invited judges would vote for the most attractive male and female costumes. Both Josie and Sue made it through to this final group, and performed fairly well in front of the judges. Sue came over as the more confident and polished, whereas Josie came over as a shy and demure little thing but who looked truly gorgeous. I suspected that this would go down well with some of the guys in the audience.
‘How did you think we did Mum?’ Sue asked as they two both returned to our group to await the results.
‘Well I am biased, but I thought you both were great,’ answered Mum.
‘I don’t think I have ever been so nervous in my life, and I thought I was going to faint in this corset,’ said Josie.
‘You came across as two beautiful young women and I’m keeping my fingers crossed for both of you,’ I said.
The finalists were invited to return to the stage
‘Come on Josie, they’re about to announce the results,’ said Sue.
‘Sue please don’t run, remember, I have to move slowly in this dress’
They had just returned to their places in time to hear the results.
‘…. And the winner of the best female costume is …. Josie Stevenson’.
Josie walked on to the stage in a state of shock and disbelief. She was presented with a bunch of flowers and a Debenhams shopping voucher for two hundred pounds, whilst the audience applauded. She was then asked to hold the arm of the best male contestant, a good looking young man called Richard, and the pair did a circuit of the room together with the audience applauding. Before they left the stage the organiser reminded them that he hoped they would both be able to attend wearing their costumes the following morning for a photo shoot.
Josie was very much the centre of attention for the rest of the evening, receiving many congratulations from her new friends, and also from people she’d never seen before. She was asked to pose for many photographs. She was even asked to dance a few times but politely declined.
Sue took her defeat very well and was quite gracious, declaring that Josie deserved to win. Likewise, once Jenny had gotten over the shock of seeing her former little brother look so beautiful, saw the funny side of the events, even though she would not be able to share the joke with her other friends. Everyone seemed to take pleasure in Josie’s triumph and regard her success as a mutual project. Josie now seemed to enjoy being the centre of attention and admiration of the other competitors.
‘Aunt Jean, would you be able to help me get ready in my costume again tomorrow morning please? The organisers want to take some publicity photographs for next year’s event,’ said Josie as they were walking back to their rooms at the end of the evening.
‘Yes, but I’ll also need to help you take down your hair tonight as well so as not to spoil the flowers. I am afraid you will need to sleep in rollers as well so as not to spoil the styling,’ said Mum .
This last comment caused some amusement to Sue and Jenny who were walking with them.
‘See Josie, we warned you last night that you’d have to suffer some discomfort for the sake of your looks,’ commented Sue.
‘Believe me I already have been doing so wearing this corset, all evening,’ she answered.
‘But it was worth it since you won the first prize,’ I said.
‘Yes, I suppose it was,’ she replied.
a novel with eight voices
by Louise Anne Smithson
It was with a mixture of emotions that I caught my first sight of Josie last night after Jean had finished with her, and then later watched her go up to collect her prize. Part of me was very proud that she could look so beautiful, but I had to be careful not to make Jenny and the twins jealous. Another part of me was amazed that she could have changed so dramatically in the space of a week from an awkward and depressive young man into a very feminine young woman. There was little doubt in my mind that my son was transgendered, and this had been the root of his depression, but I was still unsure what, if anything, I should seek to do about it. I was also a little bit afraid for Joe’s future. All the same, I could see the sense in Jean’s suggestion of providing further opportunities for Joe to spend time as Josie, if he or she chose to accept them. At the same time I must not lose sight of my elder daughter who still has a bit of growing up to do. Most of the time she is mature enough, but there are times when Jenny can say upsetting things that she doesn’t really mean. That is why I don’t object to her friendship with the twins who are a fairly good influence on her (although Karen more so than Sue). I suspect that Jenny was nearly as shocked as I was by Josie’s appearance last night, and also perhaps realised that there might be more to this than her younger brother helping them out at the Convention.
We all had an early breakfast this morning. Jean had promised to help Josie with her hair again and so Josie came back to our bedroom afterwards. This seemed to be a good opportunityfor me to have a talk with her.
‘Josie, I get the impression that, in spite of your original concerns, and your nerves on Friday evening, you have enjoyed spending the last week as a young woman,’ I began.
‘Oh yes, Mum, it has been good fun learning how to be Josie. Jenny, the twins and Aunt Jean have all helped me,’ she replied with disarming honesty.
‘Jean and I have been noticing how much happier and more relaxed you have become over the last few days. I was wondering whether you might wish to spend a few more days as Josie next weekend?’ I asked.
Josie didn’t answer at first but I couldn’t help noticing that her eyes seemed to brighten involuntarily.
‘What do you have in mind Mum?’ she asked after a pause.
I explained about my forthcoming trip to Southport and why it would be more straightforward and a lot cheaper if I were to take four girls rather than three girls and a boy with me.
Jean, who was working on Josie’s hair, added that she would be happy for her daughters to go, if they wished to do so, but they had both thought that Josie must be the one to decide whether the plan went ahead or not before the others were told about it.
‘I’d be happy to go, but I think you’ll need to talk to the others as well to make sure they would also be alright with the idea. After all, I’ll need to borrow their clothes once again,’ she replied.
‘So you would be prepared to dress as a young woman again next weekend?’ I asked.
‘Yes, if the others are happy to have me with them once again, I would be prepared to do so,‘ she replied.
‘In that case I’ll go and talk to the other three now, and see what they think, about the idea,’ I said leaving her in Jean’s hands.
I found the other three girls in Jenny and Susan’s room. I carefully explained about the proposed trip to Southport, stressing the cost saving and convenience aspects of taking Josie along, rather than any wish to provide Joe with another opportunity of expressing his feminine self. Somewhat to my surprise, they all three accepted the plan without question.
‘Oh yes, that would be great, I’ve never been to Southport, and it will be nice to have Josie around again,’ said Karen.
‘That’ll be good fun, won’t it Jenny?’ said Sue.
Jenny hesitated, but then agreed
‘Would you all mind if Josie continued to borrow the clothes that she already has?’ I asked.
‘I suppose she can keep those items that I’ve loaned her as I have already outgrown most of them,’ said Jenny.
‘I don’t mind, but she might find that she’s a little bit limited in her wardrobe now that she is used to looking so good. But I suppose she would be able to buy herself some more clothes with that voucher that she won last night,’ added Sue.
Karen was likewise happy for her to keep the clothes. I therefore returned to convey the news to Josie and to Jean, that the following Saturday I would be taking the four of them to stay in Southport until the Tuesday night.
The last session of the convention went equally well, and included photographs of all those competitors who were still in their costumes. Once again Josie was the centre of attraction and seemed to enjoy the attention she received. However, at twelve o’clock it was time for us to think about leaving and so the girls went to change into clothes that were more suitable for travelling. Jean and I helped Josie to get changed, and took charge of packing her borrowed dresses.
‘I am so relieved to get out of that damned corset and wear something a little more comfortable,,’ said Josie as she put on a turquoise dress that she’d brought, ‘but now I’ll have to change the colour of my nail varnish.’
‘It is only for the journey home,’ I said. ‘It won’t matter.’
‘I can’t go out with pink nails and a turquoise dress.’
‘In that case you had better do them quickly yourself as we don’t have a lot of time.’
‘What do you want to do about your hair, Josie?’ asked Karen.
‘I think this style is a little over the top for the twenty-first century, would you mind helping me to take it down?’ she said.
‘Alright then, you do your nails and then I’ll sort out your hair whilst they are drying’ Karen answered.
Once the girls had all changed and carefully packed their costumes we checked out of our rooms and left the luggage in the lobby whilst we had some lunch before beginning the journey home.
‘All told, it has been a pretty successful weekend,’ commented Karen. ‘Thanks Aunt Carol for taking us, and Mum for all your help. And thanks again, Josie, for filling in at the last minute and making our weekend possible, even if you did end up winning the competition.’
Josie smiled.
‘Thank you all for asking me, I’ve enjoyed myself over the last week, and I’m also looking forward to next weekend, as well,’ she answered.
‘Mum, if we’re going to be away again next weekend then I’ll need to spend the next few days at home,’ said Jenny. ‘There are quite a few things that I need to do and some people I want to see before going away again. Would it be possible for Karen and Sue to come and stay at our house for the next few days?’
‘As far as I’m concerned it would be alright, if Jean is agreeable. I’ll be based in the office all week and so will be home each evening.’
‘Will that be alright with you then Mum?’ Sue asked Jean, enthusiastically.
‘Hold on a minute,’ said Karen, ‘I’ve already promised to spend a couple of days with Denise before she disappears for the rest of the summer, it will be much easier for me to do so from my home, and so I’d prefer to return with you, Mum.’
‘In that case Sue can stay with Jenny and Karen can come back with me,’ said Jean. ‘But what are your plans for the week, Josie?’
‘Well I can’t very well go home dressed like this,’ she answered, ‘it would be all round the village in no time. I’d better change back into Joe until next weekend’.
I hadn’t really thought about what Joe/Josie might do over the next few days until we went away again, but Josie did have a point that it would be difficult for her to return home dressed as she was unless, she were willing to stay inside the house all week.
‘I’m afraid you might have a slight logistical problem on that front,’ said Jenny smiling. ‘If you remember, Mum took Joe’s clothes home with her last weekend.’
‘Oh yes, but perhaps I could borrow a pair of jeans and a sweater for the journey home. I should be alright once these hair extensions and false boobs are taken off,’ she said.
‘Remember there are your false nails and those eyelashes to consider as well,’ added Sue.
Jean changed the subject.
‘Josie, do you remember that we were talking about the state of my business records last week, and you said that you might be able to offer me some advice about automating them?’ she asked.
‘Yes’
‘I was wondering, if I brought my records home sometime, would you be interested in going through them with me and advise me what I’ll need to do?
‘I’m sure that I could advise and perhaps even set something up, if you wanted,’ she answered.
’If you wanted to do so, and it was alright with your mother, you would be welcome to stay with Karen and me for a few more days next week.’
Jean looked across at me as she said it, and I nodded my assent.
‘Would that mean that I could remain as Josie if I stayed at your house during the week?’
Once again Jean glanced in my direction and I surreptitiously nodded. I was seated slightly behind the line of sight of the others and so nobody else was in a position to see our exchange of glances.
‘Would you like to remain as Josie next week?’ she asked.
‘I just thought it might be easier for everyone if I’m going away as Josie again next weekend’, she answered, colouring a little.
‘As far as I’m concerned you would be welcome to stay with me either as Josie or else as Joseph, as long as your mother is agreeable. But I do agree that it would be easier for me if you were to stay just as you are until next weekend,’ said Jean
Josie turned towards me.
‘Mum, would you mind if I stayed at Aunt Jean’s for another week and helped with her book-keeping system?’
‘No I wouldn’t mind, if you wish to do so, but are you sure you want to stay as a girl for another week?’
Josie thought for a moment before answering.
‘As long as you nobody minds, and the others are willing to continue to loan me their clothes, I will stay as Josie. It will save the bother of my having to change back now and again next weekend.’
‘In that case I don’t mind either,’ I replied.
I noticed Sue and Jenny exchanging glances with one another but they said nothing.
‘Alright,’ said Jean, ‘Jenny and Sue will stay with Carol, and Josie and Karen with me’.
‘That’s good, now I’ll have someone to talk to after Denise has left,’ said Karen.
‘Josie, what are you going to spend your prize voucher on?’ asked Jenny.
‘I ought to give it to Denise as a consolation prize since it was her costume that caused me to win,’ she answered.
‘But Denise’s parents are rich, she has masses of clothes,’ commented Sue.
‘I know, but I still think that we ought to offer her the prize.’
a novel with eight voices
by Louise Anne Smithson
Josie is turning into a sweet young lady and I think that her looks would be the envy of many genetic girls of her own age. It is almost as if there was a seed waiting to germinate inside a hard casing. Once the shell had been cracked, the seed began to spring into life. Over the last couple of days during the convention I’ve become more and more convinced that the plan that Carol and I had cooked up for her was the right thing to do. It would at least buy her a little more time to discover how she wants to live her life. It would also give Carol the opportunity of researching the matter more thoroughly and perhaps getting some professional advice. In the meanwhile, Josie may even be able to come up with some ideas to help with my record keeping problems which seem to get worse every month. These were some of the thoughts that were beginning to form in my head as we drove home, with the four girls chatting together happily in the back seats of the car as if there was nothing out of the ordinary in their situation.
We arrived at Crawley just before 9.00pm last night, where a certain amount of unpacking and repacking of suitcases took place, together with the collection of clean clothes and depositing of soiled ones in the laundry basket. Half an hour later Carol set off for her own home together with Jenny and Sue. However, before leaving, she decided that she and I should have a quick cautionary word with her younger daughter without the others present.
‘First of all, are you quite sure that you want to remain as Josie for the whole of next week?’ she began.
Josie blushed a little and hesitated before answering, but then appeared to make up her mind.
‘Yes Mum, I’ve had a great time over the last weekend, and this way I’ll be able to get some more practice in before next weekend. Also, I’ll have something useful to do here in Crawley; Jenny and Sue will want to meet up with some lads and won't want me tagging along. I would only be bored staying at home in Rusper on my own.’
‘Alright then, if that’s what you want to do, but promise me that you will be careful. I know that you did really well in the competition yesterday, and nobody doubted your gender over the weekend, but don’t get too confident and give yourself away. Remember also that teenage girls have to be more careful about what they say and do than boys of the same age.’
‘Don’t worry Mum, I promise to be careful and not to talk to any strange men. In fact, I doubt if I’ll be going out anywhere this week,’ she replied sighing.
‘I’m not expecting you to spend the whole week helping me,’ I said. ‘If you want to go in to town or go to see Denise with Karen, that’ll be fine by me, as long as you’re careful what you say and do.’
‘Yes, I know, Aunt Jean. I promise to take care; after all, I don’t want anyone else from school to know what I’ve been doing.’
‘Good, but also please keep in touch with me by phone and I’ll see you on Saturday morning.’
‘Yes of course, and thanks for everything this weekend, Mum.’
‘Good luck my dear,’ said Carol, kissing her on the cheek, before she left together with Sue and Jenny. I turned to the two who’d been left behind.
‘OK young ladies, it has been a busy weekend, so I think it is probably time we unpacked our cases, had a shower and then went to bed.’
This morning Josie dressed herself in a pair of tightly fitting ski pants and a simple pink knitted top, both of which had been loaned to her by Sue. She’d also put on a pair of pop socks, with a pair of medium heels. She also appeared to have put on some makeup, as well as the pair of earrings that she’d been borrowing from Karen. She didn't look as glamorous as she'd done over the weekend, but was quite presentable, all the same.
‘Good morning Josie, you look nice, that’s the first time I’ve seen you wear trousers,’ I commented.
‘I’m afraid it is all I have left to wear after our weekend away. I tried to wear them one day last week, but the others said that they showed a slight bulge between my legs, and in any event they were then encouraging me to wear a dress or a skirt whenever possible to get used to the feeling.’
‘So what has happened to the bulge?’
‘It is safely tucked out of the way and is no longer a problem,’ she replied without showing any trace of embarrassment.
‘I hope you’re not doing yourself any harm?’ I asked a little bit anxious.
‘I don’t think so, but I’m going to take off the sticking plaster and also my breast forms this evening, just to make sure that everything is alright. I would have done so this morning, but I didn’t want to run any risk of being mistaken for a boy in these trousers.’
‘I don’t think there’s much danger of that, with the way you look now,' I thought to myself.
'I would offer to loan you one of my skirts to wear until you’ve had a chance to do some laundry, but I suspect they'll be too big for you.’
‘That’s alright, Aunt Jean, this jumper will successfully disguise any bulge until I have a chance to put on a skirt again.
Karen emerged from her shower and joined us at the breakfast table.
‘So what are you two planning to do today?’ I asked.
‘I’ll be happy to have a look at your business records today Aunt Jean, if you want,’ answered Josie.
‘Thank you dear, I will bring them home at lunchtime, if you like. Is there anything you would like to do in the meanwhile?’
‘Would you mind if I did some of my laundry this morning? I could also do some for you and Karen if you like’
‘That would be very helpful.’
‘If you will do the washing today, Josie, I’ll do some ironing tomorrow,’ said Karen, ‘but I’ve promised to go and see Denise this morning, to tell her what happened at the convention and show her all the pictures that I took.'
Then, turning to me she said: M'um please may I borrow your camera to show her the video of our performance?’
‘Alright, as long as you take good care of it.’
‘Aunt Jean, what should I do about washing the dress and the underwear that I borrowed from Denise?’ asked Josie.
‘I suggest you hand wash them very carefully in warm water, and gently squeeze the water out rather than trying to spin them dry. If Karen goes to see her friend today then she can iron them for you tomorrow’.
‘In that case Karen, please would you thank Denise once again for me for the loan of her clothes and tell her that I’ll arrange to return them to her as soon as they are washed and ironed,’ said Josie.
When I got into work, I arranged to take a couple of hours off during the afternoon so that I could sit down with Josie and go through our various ledgers. By the time I returned at lunchtime she had completed several loads of laundry, including washing the clothes she had borrowed from Denise, all of which were hanging out to dry.
‘I wasn’t expecting you to do all our washing, Josie,’ I said.
‘That’s alright: it was just as easy to do it for everybody at the same time as it would have been just for my own stuff. I’ve also taken off my breast forms and the sticking plaster down below, and everything seems to be fine so I may ask Karen to help me put them back this evening.’
‘I suggest that you should leave them off for at least twenty-four hours.’
‘Alright, I’ll see if Karen will help me tomorrow morning then.’
Why is it that other people’s teenagers always appear to be so much more polite and co-operative than your own?
After lunch Josie and I spent an hour or so going through the shop ledgers. I also showed her the financial records prepared by my accountant, and had also brought home the manual for the software package that I’d bought for the shop but hadn’t got round to using.
‘What do you think?’ I asked.
‘I think I can probably help. Leave them with me and I’ll draw up a list of everything that would be required to automate your business.’
I wasn’t entirely convinced that a fifteen year old would be able to solve my bookkeeping problems, but I doubted if she would do any harm. What is more it would be something to keep her occupied and largely out of the public gaze for the next few days until they all went away for the weekend.
‘Alright Josie, if you are sure you don’t mind. I have to get back to the shop now, but when Karen gets back from Ifield, please would you ask her to organize some dinner for us all.
Perspectives:
a novel with eight voices
by Louise Anne Smithson
My friend Karen came over this morning, as promised, and we spent an hour or so looking at the photographs that she and the others had taken during the convention, and she also played the video footage of the Angelica performance and the 1890s fashion show, taken by her mother.
‘The ‘Wannabe’ routine was really good; your sister and Jenny sang well. I only wish I could have taken part, even if it was as a fifth member.’
‘I don’t think your doctors or your mother would have been too pleased to hear that you’d been dancing, when you have only just had some stitches removed,’ said Karen.
‘I suppose not, but it would've been nice to have gone along as a spectator, Jenny’s brother looks unbelievable in my dress. I would've loved to have seen it.
‘Well, if you had been there, ‘Josie’ (as we now call her) wouldn’t have been wearing your dress. In fact she would have been a he sitting at home playing with his computer’
‘Yes, I know, but you have to admit that he or she did look pretty good in the performance on Friday and then looked absolutely stunning wearing my dress on Saturday night. That hairstyle from your Mum really made all the difference.’
‘Yes, I know; it was quite sickening to think that we dressed up a lad as a girl, and then she ended up as the belle of the ball, putting the rest of us to shame. In fact she even looked pretty good wearing a pair of my sister’s ski pants and a sweater this morning,’ commented Karen.
‘Why do you still say she? Hasn’t Josie changed back in to Joe yet?’ I asked in some surprise.
‘No, she's retained her boobs and hair extensions and is staying at our house for the rest of this week. She’s going to do some computer work for my Mum.’
‘But that doesn’t explain why she hasn’t changed back into Joe?’
‘Aunt Carol is planning to take the four of us on a trip to Southport in Merseyside for a few days next weekend. As we’ll be sharing hotel rooms again Joe has agreed to spend the time as Josie once again. She thought it would be too much trouble to change back into a boy just for a few days, and her mother has agreed to let her remain as a girl’.
‘Wow! Jenny’s brother certainly likes to keep in touch with his feminine side. What do you think about that?’ I asked.
‘I think that he's rather enjoying being a she, but it doesn’t bother me. In fact we shared a hotel room at the convention, and got on fine together,’ said Karen. ‘Josie's much better company than Joe ever was.’
‘In that case why didn’t you bring her with you this morning?’
‘She had to do some laundry as she’s running short of girly clothes to wear.’
As she was speaking, Karen received a call on her mobile phone which turned out to be from her sister. She spoke for a little while and then turned to me.
‘Denise, would it be alright if Jenny and my sister cycled over here this afternoon, they think that the four of us should have a meeting to discuss Josie, without her being present?’
‘Yes of course, tell them to come straight after lunch.’
Mum decided to use the opportunity afforded by my having some friends round to go out for a couple of hours this afternoon. As soon as Jenny and Sue arrived at about 2.30 pm she left us, which was quite helpful of her as it enabled us to have a private discussion without fear of interruption.
‘Alright Jenny, you wanted us to have this meeting, perhaps you’ll tell us all what’s on your mind,’ said Sue.
‘I know that we started all this business with my brother, and I’ve encouraged him to dress and act like a girly girl over the last week, along with everyone else, but don’t you think it is a bit weird the way things have turned out?’
‘It's certainly unusual, but Josie seems so much more comfortable and at ease in herself than your brother used to be,’ replied Karen.
‘That’s exactly my point. What was ‘Josie’ wearing this morning when you left?’
‘Actually she was wearing Sue’s ski pants as everything else that we’d loaned her was in the wash. Mum offered her one of her skirts to wear, but it was a bit too big for her.’
‘Was she wearing any makeup?’ asked Jenny.
‘Yes, a little lipstick, eye shadow and mascara, but quite nicely applied, and if I remember correctly, Jenny, it was you who tricked her into buying them in the first place,’ replied Karen.
Jenny blushed.
‘Yes I know, but it is very strange behaviour for a lad, and now ‘she’s’ intending to stay as Josie for a second weekend.’
‘You didn’t say anything, when your mother suggested the trip to Southport next weekend,’ said Sue to Jenny.
Jenny sighed.
‘I know, it was because Mum was saying that we could all go, whereas if he went as Joe the trip would only have been for me and him, and so would have been a real drag. Also, I hadn’t then realised that he would be continuing to dress as Josie in the meanwhile.’
‘So it would appear that the alternatives for Southport were that you would go together with your brother and both have a miserable time, or else we all went with ‘Josie’ and had a good time together,’ suggested Karen.
‘I suppose if you put it like that …,’ said Jenny but she never completed her sentence as another thought came into her head.
‘… and what about after next weekend?’
Karen shrugged her shoulders.
I’d been listening to their conversation and decided to make a contribution.
‘It sounds as if your brother is transgendered; I have a cousin who decided five years ago that he should have been born a woman, and has been living as one ever since.’
‘Would that worry you, if it were true?’ Karen asked Jenny.
‘I’ll say so, it would get very embarrassing next year at school, if he started turning up in a skirt.’
‘But isn’t it more important that Joe or Josie is happy?’ asked Sue.
Jenny shrugged.
‘I suppose it's up to Joe or Josie what he or she does with his or her life, but that wouldn’t make it any less embarrassing for me.’
‘What does your mother think about it Jenny?’ I asked.
‘I’m not sure, I haven’t had any chance to talk to her about it. It's almost as if she is encouraging Josie.’
‘I wondered the same with my mother as well,’ added Sue. ‘That whole business with her shop accounts seemed almost as if it was designed to let Josie continue living as a girl.’
‘Jenny, why don’t you try and speak to your Mum about it tonight, and I’ll try and find out what my Mum thinks as well, so we all know where we’re coming from and how they think we should deal with Josie over the coming weekend,’ suggested Karen.
‘Alright then.’
‘I’ll make myself scarce for an hour or so this evening, to give you the opportunity of having a private word with your Mum,’ said Sue to Jenny.
Jenny and Sue stayed for another hour before they left and we again went through the pictures and looked at the video recording. They also gave me their account of the events of the weekend, including the four lads that they had met. We ended up agreeing that Josie had looked great and probably deserved to win the prize on Saturday evening, but that the rest of the group had also done very well on Friday.
Karen stayed for a while after the others had left as my Mum had promised to give her a lift home as soon as she returned. I therefore used the opportunity for a little more discussion with her.
‘How do you find Josie?’ I asked.
‘Actually, she’s quite good fun to be with and chat to, and I’ve enjoyed teaching her how to act more like a girl. I’d be happy for her to remain as Josie for another weekend if that's what she wants, although life could get complicated if we were to meet up with some lads when we go to Southport.’
‘I wish I could meet her once more and make up my own mind, but unfortunately, we'll all be leaving for Wales on Thursday, and I have a hospital appointment tomorrow. It looks as if I’m going to miss what is likely to prove to be an interesting time for you all.’
Then, as an afterthought, I added: ‘I don’t suppose that it would be possible for you to bring her round sometime on Wednesday so that I can meet her again before we leave?’
‘I could ask her if she would be willing to come over with me during the afternoon, if you like? She did say that she wants to return the clothes she borrowed from you sometime. I’ll explain that this would be her only opportunity to thank you in person, and that she really ought to do so.’
‘Wednesday afternoon would be ideal for me,’ I replied. ‘Mum and Dad were planning to be out for the afternoon and evening but are anxious about leaving me on my own. They would both be pleased to know if I have two friends coming over. We’ll also have the house to ourselves for most of the time and I’m sure that Dad will be happy to give you both a lift home once he gets back from his meeting.’
‘Alright, I’ll see if I can persuade her to come’.
‘You can also tell her that she may keep the ‘Angelica’ baby doll dress as she has bought some underclothes to go with it, but I would like my Edwardian dress and the accessories back to wear myself some time.’
‘Alright, the outfit will be washed and ironed by then.’
‘In fact, I might be able to offer her some of my clothes to wear, now that I know that we are both the same size and that she likes wearing girls’ clothes,’ I continued. ‘Mum is always nagging me to give some of my clothes away to make some space in my wardrobe. In fact she has embargoed all future clothes shopping until I do so.’
Karen rang me shortly after she’d returned to confirm that she and Josie would definitely be coming over on Wednesday afternoon. I therefore decided to go through my wardrobe to see if there was anything that I no longer needed to wear which I might offer to Josie. After an hour or so I was surprised at just how much room I was able to create. Maybe I can talk Mum into taking me shopping in Chester again during our holiday.
The others didn’t seem to be as concerned about ’Joe or Josie’s’ recent behaviour as I was. I suppose they’re not as closely involved. He has always been a little bit of an embarrassment to have around, but that would be nothing compared to the shame that would be heaped upon our family name if his present antics ever became common knowledge at school, and of course I would be guilty by association. I decided that the time had come to discuss my concerns with Mum.
On the way home from Denise’s house I arranged with Sue that she would take a bath followed by a self-grooming session after dinner to give me the opportunity to have a private word with Mum. We’d prepared a salad before we went over to see Denise, and finished making the meal as soon as we got home so that it was ready by the time Mum arrived from work. Mum inevitably wanted to know what we’d been doing during the day and we explained that we’d cycled over to say goodbye to Denise before she went away on holiday and that Karen was also there.
‘How about Josie?’ asked Mum.
‘No, she was at Aunt Jean’s house going through her business records,’ I replied, not quite sure whether I should be referring to my brother or sister as a ‘he’ or ‘she’.
As soon as we’d finished eating Sue excused herself to go upstairs and Mum started to clear the table.
‘Mum, would you like a hand with the washing up?’ I asked.
‘You don’t have to, Jenny, after all you prepared the meal.’
‘It’s all right; in fact I wanted the opportunity to have a quiet word with you about Joe.’
‘Alright then, what’s on your mind?’
‘I’m just getting a bit worried about the way he seems to have changed over the last week.’
‘But I thought that was what you wanted?’ she replied.
‘I wanted him to help us to enter the talent competition, not to turn into a full-time girly girl.’
‘Wasn’t that was one of the requirements of his entering the competition.’
‘Yes, maybe it was, but the convention finished on Sunday. It’s now Monday evening and apparently he’s still wearing a dress and pretending to be a girl.’
‘Do the twins feel the same way as you do?’
I sighed.
‘Not really, Karen actually seems to prefer having Josie around, and Sue just shrugs her shoulders and accepts things as they are, but he’s supposed to be my brother, not my sister. He may be a nerd and a miseryguts for most of the time but at least people never laughed at him for being a sissy.’
‘Has anyone been laughing at him over the last week?’
‘Not that I’m aware of, but they will do so once the news gets out at school.’
‘You said that he was a ‘miseryguts’. Did you find that to be the case last week?’ asked Mum.
‘No; and that’s another thing, it was as if the ‘happy fairy’ had sprinkled her fairy dust over him in his sleep. Apart from that little hissy fit last Friday evening, I’ve never seen Joe so happy as when he was pretending to be Josie.’
‘Me neither,’ answered Mum. ‘That’s why Jean and I arranged to let him spend a little more time as Josie, if that was what ‘she’ wanted.’
‘But, Mum, where will it all end?’
‘I really don’t know, dear, but I was worried about Joe’s depression long before anyone had even thought about Josie. In some respects it has been a relief for me to see my child so happy, even if it does mean that there might be problems for her in the future.’
‘You keep saying her,’ I said with a note of exasperation.
‘We can’t forever keep saying ’him or her’, or ’he or she’ all the time. In future I’m going to refer to him if he is dressed as Joe and her, if she is dressed as Josie, and, as far as I know, it is the latter case this week. I’d prefer if you did the same.’
I didn’t know what to say in response to that so I changed the subject.
‘Denise suspects that she may be transgendered, whatever that is!’
‘I will give you something to read on the subject, which I found to be clear and easy to understand. Denise may well be right, but I don’t want to put any labels on my child, or put any ideas into her head. Jean and I arranged this week and the coming weekend away to provide her with the opportunity of exploring and perhaps coming to terms with her feelings about herself. It will also give me the chance to take advice on what we should do.’
‘So are you happy about what is happening?’
‘I wouldn’t say I was happy, but at the same time I don’t want Joe to feel as unhappy as he appears to have been.’
I sighed.
‘I don’t want her to be unhappy either but at the same time I’d rather she wasn’t a constant source of embarrassment to me.’
‘That may not be possible, dear. I may have to come to terms with having a second daughter, and you a sister, named Josie.’
’That’s all I need! Life is difficult enough as it is without my so-called little sister destroying the last vestiges of my street credibility!’ I thought, but of course didn’t say so.
‘What do you think I should do?’ I asked, instead.
‘Firstly, I should like you to read this document,’ she said, handing me five or six closely printed pages which she had downloaded from some website. ‘I’m also hoping that you and the twins will continue to accept Josie as ‘one of the girls’ and not leave her feeling isolated when we go to Southport at the weekend.’
’I suppose it is a couple of hundred miles away from Crawley, and so at least we won’t be meeting anyone that we know,’ I thought.
‘Alright I’ll do my best for the coming weekend, and I’m sure the twins will do so as well. But I don’t promise anything after we get back.’
Once Sue emerged from her bath, I spent the remainder of the evening in her room, going through Mum’s document with her, whilst Mum continued her own researches on the Internet. Sue and I also had a MSN chat session with Karen in her bedroom, having first checked that Josie was well out of earshot. I related my conversation with Mum and that she hoped we would accept Josie as one of us, over the next few days,
‘My Mum said much the same when I spoke to her; she thinks we should all encourage Josie,’ said Karen.
‘Encourage her in what?’ asked Sue.
‘To continue to learn how to act like a girl, if that’s what she wants, and provide with the opportunity to decide for herself how she wants to live her life,’ said Karen
‘So what are we going to do with her in Southport next weekend?’ I asked.
‘Josie appears to react well to a challenge, so why don’t we set her another goal that she has to achieve over the coming weekend?’ said Sue.
‘I suppose she’s going to need to buy herself a few more clothes,’ said Karen.
‘No she’s already done that for us,’ I said.
‘Alright, we’ll have to think of something else for her. What about sending her out on a date with a lad for the evening to see how she gets on?’ suggested Sue, only half seriously.
‘Josie may look a year or two older than Joe but she’s still under age,’ said Karen. ‘I don’t think our mothers would be very keen to see her going out on a date.’
‘She wouldn’t need actually to go out with anyone, merely prove to us that she has been asked out,’ I suggested.
‘Where are we going to get a young lad to co-operate in Southport?’
‘There’s bound to be some hanging around, there always are,’ I replied.
I don’t think any of us took the suggestion particularly seriously.
‘What are you planning to do over the next few days, Sis?’ Sue asked Karen.
‘I promised Mum to do some ironing tomorrow and then on Wednesday Josie and I are going to see Denise again before she leaves for her holiday in Wales. How about you?’
‘Jenny and I have plenty to do and some people to see, including a couple of lads from the village that we’ve both had our eyes on. However, we’re planning to get the bus in to town on Friday afternoon if you want to meet up.’
‘Alright, it will be a good opportunity for us to discuss what we’re going to do over the weekend,’ she replied.
‘Are you going to bring Josie with you?’
‘Is that ok with you Jenny?’ Karen asked.
‘I guess so, as Mum says that we ought to treat her just like one of the girls for this week,’ I replied.
‘Does that even include discussing our period cramps with her?’ asked Sue, laughing.
‘Well if she wants to be treated like a girl, then nothing should be off-limits.’
Over the last couple of days I have done nothing special, just the sorts of things that everyone has to do, but it is surprising how much more satisfying it has been to do them as Josie, than it would have been as Joe. Once I’d sorted the laundry and put the first load on to wash, yesterday morning, I decided to have a bath myself as I wanted to remove the sticking plaster from between my legs. Afterwards I carefully peeled off my breast forms. No harm had been done to me: the skin just looked a little pale. However, it felt odd to be flat chested once again, especially as I retained my hair and nail extensions and the long eyelashes. I therefore filled the cups of the last clean bra that I had available, with some socks; just to give myself some semblance of a pair of boobs underneath Sue’s jumper. I also carefully tucked my unloved penis out of the way. Finally I renewed my makeup as best as I could, not because I intended to go out anywhere, but because I enjoyed doing it and it seemed to give me more self-confidence. I’d finished two full loads of washing and a third was in progress by the time Aunt Jean returned at lunchtime with her ledgers.
After she left me to go back to work I spent a couple of hours going through the ledgers by myself and then looking at the software that she had bought. At first sight, the task of installing the system didn’t seem to be particularly complicated, although there would be a certain amount of tidying up and regularising of the existing data to do beforehand, and then perhaps a little support needed to train the users and deal with any teething problems afterwards. There was really nothing that I couldn’t do.
Karen had still not returned by five o’clock so I began to prepare our evening meal, and was just putting it in the oven when I noticed Denise’s mother’s car pull up outside and Karen got out.
‘Hi Josie, how has your day been?’ asked Karen as she came in.
‘Fine thanks, how is Denise?’
‘She’s looking much better than last week, but is sorry to have missed the convention.’
‘Yes, that is understandable, but at least it gave me the chance to go in her place and so I can't be too unhappy,’ I admitted.
Karen smiled.
‘I’m glad that you went, Josie, but am also sorry that my friend had to miss it, in the process.’
‘Of course.’
‘By the way, Denise says that you are welcome to keep the blue dress as you’ve bought yourself some underwear to with it, but she would like the pink one back.’
‘That is kind of her,’ I replied.
I couldn’t think when I might next have need of a 1990s baby-doll style dress, but I suppose it would be a reminder of an enjoyable weekend.
‘She’s also invited you to come over to her house with me on Wednesday afternoon and stay until the evening,’ she announced.
‘I don’t think I will be able to go; after all I did promise to help your mother with her book keeping this week.’
‘I’m sure Mum will be able to spare you for one afternoon and evening. It will be your only opportunity to return Denise’s dress and to thank her before she goes away on holiday,’ she answered.
‘Yes I suppose so.’
‘Look, I’ll finish making the dinner and serve up so you can press on with what you are doing. Also you can have the whole of tomorrow free, whilst I do the ironing and any other jobs, if you wish.’
‘Alright then, and I’ll see what your mother says about tomorrow.’
I explained to Aunt Jean what I’d discovered over dinner.
‘If you want me to go ahead I could probably install the software and import your existing records into a working customer database on your home computer over the next few days. Then, if it works alright, we could transfer it over to your business.'
'The only snag is that Denise has invited Josie and me to her house on Wednesday afternoon,’ added Karen.
‘Look Josie, I’ll be pleased with whatever you can do for me, but I’m not expecting you to stay tied to the computer all of this week. I think you ought to go to see Denise and return the clothes you borrowed. You will then be able to thank her properly,’ said Jean.
‘I’d like to see her before she goes, if possible, but I’ll try and get your job finished as well’.
After dinner I returned to the computer whilst Karen and her mum washed up together. I’ve no doubt that I featured in their conversation, but that didn’t worry me. At least Karen and her mother treat me as if I were a normal person and not some kind of oddity! As I passed Karen’s bedroom on my way to bed last night, I could hear her talking to someone on her computer. I’m sure I heard my name featured in the conversation, but I was unable to hear what was being said.
I stuck with the ski pants and pink jumper once again this morning, as I was going to be working on the computer all day, and I wasn’t sure what clothes I would need to take with me for the weekend. I did allow myself the luxury of putting on some of my makeup once again, and find that I am becoming quite proficient. It is nice to catch sight of myself in the mirror from time to time, just to check that my makeup and hair still look alright. The longer finger nails were a little bit fiddly when using the computer keyboard at first, but I soon got used to them. They are another reminder of Josie and do make my hands look nice. Once I got started I found that I was able to reformat the data from the word processing files and then import it without too much difficulty, thereby saving me a lot of time in re-keying the information. Karen kept her promise and did all the family ironing, including my own, which took her the greater part of the morning. She even brought me some sandwiches at lunchtime and insisted that I stopped for a chat. Afterward she went out to do some shopping for Jean and herself. As a result I was able to get a lot done.
Aunt Jean seemed both delighted and impressed by my demonstration when she came home and confirmed that I was producing what she’d had in mind. However when she discovered that I’d been working on the computer more or less continuously for nearly ten hours, she insisted that I should stop and do something else. I therefore asked whether she would mind helping me stick on the breast forms once again. She had just finished doing so, when Karen came into the bedroom.
‘Mum, would you show me what you did to Josie’s hair on Saturday evening?’ she asked. ‘It looked so nice that I wondered whether I could do something similar for her when we go out for tea tomorrow’.
‘There will be no point in doing an exact copy as she won’t be wearing the same dress, but I'm sure I could show you how to do an attractive French twist, as long as Josie doesn’t mind acting as a model.’
‘No I don’t mind, in fact it will be nice to have a fancy hairstyle again to show off to Denise.’
Aunt Jean dampened my hair and I sat quietly in the chair whilst Jean explained to Karen how she’d piled it up into an elaborate style.
‘What colour dress are you planning to wear tomorrow Josie?’ asked Aunt Jean.
‘I don’t know; I haven’t really given it any thought’.
‘Why not wear that dark red dress that your sister gave to you? You already have a lipstick to match and you can borrow Karen’s earrings and pendant again. There are also some tiny rose buds in the same colour in the garden, and tomorrow Karen can add a couple to your hair.’
‘Alright, if you think it will look alright on me,’ I said.
‘It will look more than alright, it will look fabulous,’ said Karen, ‘but you’ll also have to change the colour of your nail varnish to match.’
‘That’ll be the fifth time I’ll have changed the colour of my nails in the last six days,’ I commented.
‘Alright Karen, I will do her nails whilst you take her hair down again and put in rollers for the night,’ said Jean.
I closed my eyes and enjoyed the sensation of having both my hair and finger nails subjected to beauty treatment simultaneously.
‘I really could get used to this,’ I thought to myself.
I get the impression that Josie has felt quite comfortable and un-self-conscious in her new identity over the last few days. She has spent a fair amount of time working on Mum’s computer database but in all other respects she has been looking and acting just like any teenage girl. In fact she seems to enjoy having long hair and wearing both makeup, and jewellery. She’s been relatively restrained regarding her clothes since we got back from the convention, but I suppose this is because she has not had much choice about what to wear until her laundry was ready. I also get the impression that she was really quite pleased when I insisted that she came with me to Denise’s house on Wednesday afternoon as it will give her a chance to get dressed up once again.
Once Denise knew for certain that Josie would be coming over, she made me promise to make sure that we both arrived looking our best. I think she has a plan to get Josie to try on some of her clothes during the course of the afternoon. That’s why I asked Mum to show me how to fix Josie’s hair last night.
‘Remember that we are going to need some time to fix your hair and makeup, Josie,’ I said mid-way through this morning.
‘Yes, I know, but I just need a few more minutes as I’ve almost finished and want to leave something for your mother to look at this afternoon,’ she replied.
‘Alright, I’ll give you ten more minutes only, whilst I dry my own hair but then you really must stop as I’ll have do your hair and makeup for you.’
‘I should be able to fix my own makeup, if you’ll just help me with my hair.’
She kept to her word, and we adjourned to my bedroom where we helped one another with our hair. She seems to enjoy having her hair done and asked me to explain what I was doing, After a while, though, our conversation dried up and she became thoughtful. Eventually though came out with what she had on on her mind.
‘Tell me honestly Karen, what do you think about my having decided to spend this week as Josie as well as last weekend?’ she asked.
‘I don’t know really; I suppose I’ve had a mixture of different thoughts, about it,’ I replied trying to be as noncommittal as possible.
‘What sort of different thoughts?’
‘Well, after you’d won the competition so decisively I wasn’t totally surprised that you wanted to get some more experience living as a girl this week, especially as you are also going to Southport as Josie as well.’
‘But what did you think about it?’
‘Looking at it from your point of view, I was glad that you were doing something that you clearly wanted to do. From my own point of view I was quite pleased that I’d be able chat and get to know my new girlfriend better. To be honest I was also a little bit relieved that I wouldn’t have to try and make small talk with Jenny’s introverted little brother, Joseph.’
Josie blushed and smiled at the same time.
‘But don’t you think it odd that a boy should choose to dress as a girl?’ she asked.
‘Yes, I suppose it is a little unusual, although one often hears stories in the newspapers, To be honest, most of the time I forget that you were once a boy, and I tend to think of you as one of my girl friends’.
She went quiet for a little while.
‘I suppose I should feel flattered that you think of me as a girlfriend,’ said Josie thoughtfully.
‘Yes of course you should. It means that you’ve been accepted on to a higher level of humanity,’ I said, laughing.
She didn’t respond, but I don’t think she was unhappy with what I’d said.
‘Come on young lady, we can’t spend the morning daydreaming, we have to get ourselves ready to go out.’
Once I’d finished fixing her hair, I added a couple of rosebuds from the garden. It looked really nice. She then brushed mine for me and helped me to put it into a French twist, with a tortoiseshell slide to hold it place. In the end both of our hairstyles looked pretty good.
‘We’d better get our skates on, Mum will be home for lunch in half an hour and we have to get changed and put on some makeup,’ I said.
‘I should be able to manage my own makeup, thanks, if you’ll just check it over for me afterwards,’ she announced.
‘Alright, if you’re sure, I’ll get on with mine.
Josie returned in half an hour having done an excellent job on her eyes, her lips and her complexion.
‘You really are getting quite proficient at using makeup.’
Josie smiled.
‘Thank you. It still takes a bit of time but I feel more confident if I am wearing makeup and have a nice hair style when I go out. Is it the same for you?’ she asked.
‘Yes, of course. My goodness, Josie, not only do you look and sound just like a girl, but you are beginning to think like one as well’.
She smiled, but once again became a little pensive.
Mum came home at 1.00pm and we had some lunch together during which Josie handed over the work that she had done so far for her to have a look at.
‘I must say you both look very smart this afternoon,’ said Mum. ‘I don’t think I could have done a better job myself.’
Josie looked completely happy. She really has been enjoying herself this week.
We had to leave our house at 1.45 to get the bus to Ifield, and arrived at Denise’s house just over half an hour later. There was no sign of either of her parent’s car in the drive way. Denise answered the door to us and I noted that she too had dressed up for the afternoon.
‘My goodness, Josie has done her hair again,’ said Denise in mock astonishment, as she opened the door to us. ‘How on earth do you get it to look so nice?’
‘It is nothing to do with me, it was Karen who put it up for me this morning,’ she said, smiling at the compliment.
‘But you look lovely and so like a real girl. Your colour scheme even co-ordinates,’ said Denise.
‘Karen and her mother have been trying to dress me up like a Barbie doll,’ said Josie laughing.
‘Maybe so, but I must say she has been a most willing model,’ I commented.
Turning to Josie, I said, ‘Remember that it was you who wanted to stay as Josie this week.’
Then to Denise I added, ‘She was even prepared to sleep in rollers again last night so that she could look nice today.’
Josie coloured a little.
‘Well, as Sue keeps saying we women have to suffer a little discomfort for the sake of our looks’ said Josie blushing a little.
‘Talking of beauty, congratulations on winning the competition; you looked absolutely fabulous wearing my dress last weekend,’ said Denise.
Josie looked self-conscious, but also quite pleased.
‘It was mainly due to the help from Karen’s Mum, and of course your beautiful dress. I have brought your dress back together with the other things that I borrowed.’
She handed over the two carrier bags of clothes that she’d been carrying.
‘Thanks for the return of my clothes; I’m glad you looked so good wearing them and hope that I’ll have the opportunity of doing so.. Please put them on the hall table for now,’ said Denise.
‘I would also like you to have the shopping voucher that I won,’ added Josie, retrieving it from her handbag and offering it to her.
‘That is a kind thought, but I‘m not going to accept the voucher. It was you who won the prize, I just loaned you a dress to wear,’ said Denise. ‘You should use the voucher to buy yourself something special when you go shopping in Southport next weekend’.
‘Who said we were planning to go shopping?’ said Josie.
‘You still have something to learn about being a girl if you think you’ll be able to spend four days in Southport with my sister and I, without our looking around the local clothes shops,’ I said laughing.
‘Alright, if you are sure, Denise.’
Then she added as an afterthought.
‘But you will both remember your promise and be careful not to give away my secret,’ said Josie.
‘Yes of course we will,’ I said.
‘Don’t worry Josie! I have a cousin who is transgendered and it doesn’t worry me at all, although I must say that she is nowhere near as convincing as a girl as you are,’ added Denise.
Josie looked as if she had never heard the word ‘transgendered’ before but didn’t say anything. I made a mental note to show her what some of the documents from the Internet on the subject when we got home.
After we’d been there for a few minutes and admired one another’s outfits, Denise suggested that we should adjourn to her bedroom.
‘I’ve a few things to show you, Josie.’
‘What sort of things?’
‘You’ll have to come up and see.’
I spent several hours last night and this morning going through my wardrobe and deciding which of my clothes I wanted to keep and which ones I could happily do without, just to keep Mum satisfied. By the end I had quite a pile of clothes laid out on my bed. Some were so old fashioned that nobody would be seen dead wearing them. Others were utterly hideous and I can’t think what can have possessed Mum to have bought them for me in the first place. (In one or two cases I don’t know what I could have been thinking about when I chose them for myself.) Once these really embarrassing clothes were bundled up in black plastic bags ready for Dad to take to the charity shop, there were still quite a number of dresses, skirts, blouses, tops, a coat and a couple of pairs of shoes, which I thought might be alright for Josie to wear, if she were interested. They are all of good quality and several of them have hardly been worn. Therefore, soon after Josie and Karen arrived, and I’d offered my congratulations on Josie’s success at the convention, I invited them up to my bedroom to have a look through the pile.
‘Mum is refusing to let me do any shopping for new clothes this holiday unless I first make some space in my wardrobe. Would you like to see if you could use any of these before I offer them to the charity shop, Josie?’
‘What about Karen?’ she asked.
‘If only I were a size or two smaller I’d be happy to have them,’ she responded. ‘But we do know that anything which fits Denise ought to fit you alright Josie.’
‘I’m only offering you the girly clothes, as I get the impression that you enjoy wearing feminine things,’ I said to Josie, pulling her leg just a little.
She blushed, but didn’t dispute the point.
‘Why not try some of them on so we can tell you whether or not they suit you, but you’ll have to be careful not to spoil your posh hair do,’ I said.
Over the next hour and a half Karen and I had Josie try on all my unwanted outfits and parade in front of us whilst we passed comment. Everything she put on seemed to fit her and most of them suited her as well. She has one of those faces that look good in a lot of styles and colour schemes. By tea time there were four large carrier bags full of clothes ready for her to take home.
‘Look I can’t accept all of these from you, Denise, whatever will your mother say?’ she said.
‘Believe me, when she gets home later this afternoon, Mum will be really pleased to find that I’ve followed her instructions at last. Dad will also be happy that he doesn’t have even more bags to deliver to the Oxfam shop.’
‘With these clothes and your shopping voucher you should have enough clothes to be able to spend the whole summer as Josie if you wish,’ Karen observed.
Josie began to look alarmed.
‘Hang on a minute, Karen, I’ve only agreed to stay as a girl for this week, that’s all,’ she replied.
‘Oh yes, I’d forgotten’ she replied innocently, but it was obvious from her face that she had other thoughts on the matter.
The remainder of their visit was spent happily by the three of us chatting together and looking at Karen and Josie’s photos taken the previous weekend. We also had a look at the convention website and found photos with all four of the gang at different times, I’m just sorry that I had to miss it as a result of that stupid operation. I’m also sad that I’m going away for such a long time, as it looks as if I’m going to miss some of the fun.
Mum returned soon afterwards and offered to prepare us all some tea. As predicted, she was pleased that I’d made some space in my wardrobe. She was also very happy for me to be passing some of them on to Josie, whom she still thinks is Jenny’s female cousin.
‘Are you sure it is ok, Mrs Crawford? I feel quite guilty taking all these nice clothes,’ said Josie.
‘You’ll be doing both Denise and myself a good turn, I have been nagging her for weeks to make some more room in her wardrobe.’
‘Alright then, but may I at least offer to help you get the tea as a way of saying thank you,’ replied Little Miss Goody Two Shoes.
‘Thank you Josie, since you have offered, and Denise is still supposed to take things easily, you can help me.’
They disappeared in to the kitchen together whilst Karen stayed to chat to me.
‘So what do you think of Jenny’s younger sister then?’ she asked.
‘Apart from being a little bit of a creep to my mother, I think she is cute and seems just like a real girl,’ I replied. ‘What do you think about her?’
‘As I said, she’s quite fun to be with and chat to, but life could get quite complicated, especially if we were to meet up with some lads when we go to Southport?’ said Karen.
‘You will only be there for a few days, so it would probably be alright as long as they don’t find out about ‘Joe’. What is more to the point is what will happen after you all get home?’
‘That’ll be up to Josie and her mother to decide, but those clothes you have given will at least make it possible for her to continue as a girl, if she wishes.’
‘That was one of the reasons why I sorted them out,’ I replied.
After tea Josie offered to clear up and load the dishwasher and Karen felt obliged to join her. Mum was quite pleased as she still had plenty of packing to do for our holiday. Later the three of us watched a girly video together and painted one another’s toe nails, whilst we waited for Dad to get back from his work. As we were about to leave, Karen was talking to my mother, so I went over to Josie and gave her a hug.
‘Thanks for letting me have the clothes Denise; I hope you have a good holiday.’
I quickly checked that both my parents were out of earshot.
‘Thanks, and I must say that you seem to be enjoying yourself so far this holiday, so I hope you’re able spend as much time as Josie, as you wish, over the next week or so,’ I said.
‘I’ll stay as Josie until next weekend, and then I’ll have to make up my mind what to do.’
‘There are four and a half more weeks of the holiday still to go, and now you have plenty of nice clothes to wear.’
‘Yes, but it rather depends upon how the others and my Mum feel about it.’
‘Remember that it’s your life; it is for you to decide how to live it. Just talk to them all about how you feel, especially your mother. You may well find people are far more sympathetic than you think.’
‘Thanks Denise, have a good holiday.’
‘I will and I hope to see Josie again after I get back.’
She didn’t reply, but I get the impression that she wasn’t repelled by the idea.
After my friends had left in Dad’s car, Mum turned towards me.
‘I quite like those two girls; they seem more sensible and polite than your other friends.’
‘Jenny and Sue, are alright but Karen is my real friend, although I must say that I’m getting to like Jenny’s cousin as well.’
‘Your Dad will have to drive back to Crawley for meetings whilst we’re away, and I’m sure that he wouldn’t mind giving them a lift. Would you like me to contact their mothers as see whether they could come up to stay in Wales for a week?’
‘It would be nice for them to come but I’m not sure whether Karen’s mother would let her go without Sue. Also I don’t know how Josie’s mother would feel about her daughter staying with someone she doesn’t know.’
‘So what should I do?’
‘Leave it with me, Mum; I’ll talk to Karen in the morning to see what she thinks.’
Karen and Josie arrived back from their visit last night laden with several carrier bags containing some expensive looking clothes. I was about to ask them for an explanation, when Karen volunteered that that they’d all been given by Denise to Josie. I think Carol may have a point in her belief that Denise and her mother have more money than sense when it comes to buying clothes, but at least it solves the problem of what Josie can wear over the next few days.
The weather was really fine this morning and Josie came down wearing one of Denise’s summer dresses with bare legs and open toed sandals; clearly chosen in order to show off some newly painted toenails. I must say she looked really pretty and appeared to be aware of the fact. She’d already put on some makeup but checked on herself in the hall mirror and quickly touched up her lipstick as if she had been doing so for years. I exchanged glances with Karen, who just smiled and shrugged her shoulders. I do wonder where it all may be leading, but on the other hand, I must say that Josie has turned into a helpful and attractive young lady.
Karen received a phone call from her friend as I was getting ready to go to work. I was just on the point of leaving the house when she came off the phone and said to me.
‘Mum I’ll be going over to Ifield this morning to see Denise off. If you like, I’ll walk in to town with you.’
‘Alright, as long as you are ready soon,’ I said. ‘What about you Josie?’
‘I’ve already said goodbye last night, and would prefer to stay home and continue working on the database,’ she replied
This also suited me.
‘I have some business to do at lunchtime and so I suggest that everyone should make their own arrangements for lunch. There is plenty of food in the refrigerator Josie.’
‘If you like I’ll see to dinner once I get back this afternoon,’ said Karen.
I can always tell when one or other of my daughters wants something from me — they volunteer to do jobs rather than waiting to be asked,’ I thought, as I thanked her.
I was right. Karen and I had barely left the house when she turned to me.
‘Mum, how would you feel if Josie and I were to be invited to spend a few days at Denise’s parents’ cottage in North Wales next week?’
‘When, and for how long?’
‘Her father will be coming back to Crawley for a meeting tomorrow week and would be able take us there following day. Then he would be returning on the Monday 20th, ten days later.’
‘So it is more than ‘a few days’.’
‘I guess so, but that way we wouldn’t be faced with the expense of travelling by train.’
‘Do Denise’s mother and father know about Josie’s true identity?’
‘No, and Denise thinks it would be best that they do not do so. Josie and I would have to share a bedroom and her parents might be unhappy if they thought that Josie was really a boy.’
‘How does Josie feel about it?’
‘She doesn’t know that we’ve been invited yet as I thought it best to speak with you first. I get the impression that she likes Denise and would be happy to go.’
‘What about Sue, and Jenny?’
‘They haven’t been invited as there’s no way that the family could accommodate all four of us. Denise is my friend and the other two are always happy to spend time together. Also I get the impression that they have been having a good time seeing some lads from school over the last couple of days and so they would probably be quite content to go stick around in Crawley.’
‘Hmm, well don’t say anything to Josie or the others until I’ve had a chance to discuss it with Josie’s mother and also to speak to Denise’s mother. It also sounds as if I‘ll also need ring your sister later this morning to find out what she’s been up to,’ I said.
‘Well please be careful what you say to Denise’s Mum and don’t say that I’ve said anything about what Sue and Jenny have been doing.’
I called Carol during the course of the morning to see if she was aware what our two daughters had been getting up to.
‘I don’t think you need to worry, Jean, it seems like an innocent enough friendship and the two lads concerned are quite well behaved.’
I then told her about Denise’s invitation to Karen and Josie.
‘Josie doesn’t know of the invitation yet, but Karen thinks that she would be happy to go. Of course it would mean her living as a girl for another two weeks, but at least she now has plenty of clothes to wear. What do you think?’
‘I don’t know what to say. How have you found her over the last few days?’ asked Carol.
‘What can I say? She acts like a polite, helpful and cheerful young lady. I’ve had a look at what she is proposing for my business, and at first sight it looks wonderful. In fact she is an ideal house guest.’
‘Would she able to cope living as a girl for another fortnight without us around to keep an eye on things?’ asked Carol.
‘I get the impression that it would be one of the main attractions of the invitation,’ I replied.
‘I can see the advantages of her being away in Wales for a while, I could also offer to take Jenny and Sue with me to stay in London for a few days. But would we be taking a risk by not telling Denise’s parents who she really is?’
‘Yes we would, but apparently Denise would rather that her parents were not told.’
‘I’ll have to think about it,’ said Carol. ‘I’ll see how she gets on with the others during this trip to Southport before deciding. Why don’t you call Alice to discuss the possibility of Karen going, but say that you will have also to speak to Josie’s Mum and so you won’t be able to give her a final decision for a few days.’
‘That’s a good idea.’
In the meanwhile I rang Karen to tell her what Carol had just suggested and that we couldn’t give them an answer one way or the other at present.
‘You can tell Denise that Josie’s mother hasn’t turned down the idea, but will need a little time to think about the implications.’
‘Alright Mum,’ she replied sounding a little deflated.
‘In the meanwhile, it might be better if, for the time being, you didn’t mention the invitation to Josie or to the others. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t go and stay with Denise on your own if you want.’
‘Alright Mum, but I’d prefer to have Josie’s company on the journey to and from Wales if I can.’
‘We’ll have to wait and see. Where are you now?’
‘I’m on the bus going home. Denise’s and her family were just packing the car ready to leave for their holiday.’
‘In that case I’d better ring off as I want a quick word with Denise’s mother before they go.’
I called Alice to confirm the details of her invitation and caught her before they’d begun their journey.
‘I’d have no problem with Karen coming to stay, but I can’t speak for Josie’s mother so cannot give you a definite decision.’
‘I hope Josie will be able to come, she seems a sweet well-behaved girl.’
I wonder what you would think if you knew the whole story? I thought.
‘As long as you can let me know before next Thursday,’ continued Alice.
‘That shouldn’t be a problem. Josie’s mother will be returning from Southport on Wednesday, so I will speak to her then and phone you during the course of the evening. In the meanwhile, I hope you all have a good holiday.’
‘Thanks.’
By the end of the morning I’d downloaded and printed off a number of articles to read in private. I’d just put them in my room to read later, and was about to make myself a sandwich to eat when Karen returned home.
‘Hi Josie, how have you been getting on this morning?’
‘Fine thanks. I assume that Denise has now left for Wales.’
‘Yes, they would have left about an hour ago. I won’t see her again now until September,’ replied Karen in a slightly subdued voice.
I wanted to say that I’d be her friend for the summer, but of course that would mean my having to remain as Josie, because I knew that Joe would have been a source of embarrassment to her. It was a nice thought, but I also realised that I could never live at home as Josie. I therefore sought to change the subject.
‘I was just getting myself a sandwich for lunch, would you like me to do one for you as well,’ I asked.
‘Alright then,’ she replied seeming to liven up. ‘By the way, Josie, I should have mentioned to you this morning how nice you looked in that dress.’
‘Thank you,’ I replied, blushing a little, not used to receiving compliments about my appearance, but pleased that she’d noticed. ‘Now that I have some more clothes to choose from, I’ll need to learn what looks good together.’
‘Have you finished your work for Mum yet?’
‘I’ve done as much as I can for the time being. I’ll need to demonstrate it to her this evening and she may ask for some modification, but it seems to me to be able do most of what it is supposed to.’
‘In that case why don’t we have a look through your wardrobe together to see if there’s anything that you are still going to need for our trip to Southport?’ suggested Karen.
‘Alright then, as soon as we have finished lunch.’
As a result of the clothes that Denise had given to me, I now possess a fair range of female clothing suitable for all situations, from the everyday casual to the more formal. I also have a reasonable range of cosmetics with those that had been given to me and those that I’d already purchased. I was now in a position to return several of the items that I’d been borrowing from Karen and Sue. Jenny had already told me that she no longer wanted those that she’d given me.
‘Don’t worry about giving me back my clothes; like your sister, I’ve grown out of many of them so you may as well keep them,’ said Karen as she was inspecting my wardrobe. ‘I’d imagine that Sue will probably say the same to you as well, but you’d better offer to return them.’
‘Yes, of course.’
‘That is a fairly comprehensive wardrobe you have there, young lady, but maybe you could do with a few more sets of undies and some tights. I’m going to be meeting up with your sister and Sue in Crawley tomorrow morning, why don’t you come too and see if we can find some,’ said Karen.
‘Alright then, if you mother doesn’t mind,’ I said.
Aunt Jean was delighted with the new record keeping system when she came home last night, and could think of no amendments at that stage. I pointed out a few possible enhancements that might be made at a later date, if necessary, but suggested that she should start off fairly simply and introduce other enhancements once she was sure that everything was working ok. She promised to consider them.
‘Come upstairs and have a look at the super clothes that Denise has given to Josie, Mum,’ suggested Karen.
Aunt Jean agreed and we returned to the spare room, where my latest acquisitions were on display.
‘My goodness, that girl’s parents must be well off if they can afford to have her giving away clothes like these. Some of them look as if they’ve never been worn,’ she commented.
‘At least it means that Josie now has plenty to choose from,’ added Karen.
‘More than I can possibly wear over the next five days,’ I said.
‘Josie still won’t have enough clean underclothes for a four day trip to Southport this weekend, so if it is alright with you Mum, we will go shopping for a few items for her tomorrow morning,’ said Karen.
‘That’s a good idea. Here is forty pounds to buy yourself some more underclothes, Josie. It is to thank you for all the work you have done for me this week’ said Jean.
‘I wasn’t expecting any payment, Aunt Jean, after all you have been keeping me for the last two weeks and you’ve spent a lot of your time making me look nice,’ I said.
‘I know,’ said Jean, ‘but please accept the money, and get yourself something special. I won’t then feel bad about asking for your help when we start to use the new system,’ she said.
Soon after ten o’clock this morning Karen and I left home for the shopping centre in Crawley. It was only a ten minute walk from Jean’s house in Three Bridges. I was beginning to feel far more confident about being in town dressed as Josie, and we passed several people from my school without my once being concerned that anyone was going to recognise me. We even ran into Karen’s friend Sarah who proceeded to ask how we’d done in the competition of the previous weekend. This time I felt far more relaxed in her company
‘You should take a look at the convention website, Josie looked really stunning last Saturday night and came away with the prize for the best costume’ said Karen.
‘Only because I was wearing Denise’s dress,’ I added trying to sound self-effacing whilst actually feeling quite pleased with myself.
‘What was the prize that you won?’ asked Sarah.
‘A two hundred pound gift voucher from Debenhams. I offered to give it to Denise, but she wouldn't accept it and so I expect I will split the money with the other three.’
‘You could have offered it to me, I wouldn’t have refused,’ said Sarah smiling, as she left us.
Believe it or not, I’d rather forgotten about the voucher in all the excitement up to that point. It was still sitting in my bag.
Sue and Jenny were due to arrive on the 11 o’clock bus so Karen and I had time for a brief look around ‘New Look’ in the Queensway, whilst we were waiting. There were plenty of everyday bras and matching pairs of knickers in pink, white or black, but then I spied a matching lingerie set in dark blue including a chemise.
‘What do you think of those Karen?’ I asked, pointing to them.
‘You really go for the sexy underclothes don’t you?’ she answered laughing.
‘I'll need some nice underwear to go with Denise's dresses, and your mother did say that I could buy myself something special,’ I replied, blushing.
‘Alright then, go ahead and buy them. I’m sure you will look great in them, but that will take most of the money that Mum gave to you.’
By the time we had made the purchase it was almost eleven, and so we had to make our way to the bus station, where Sue and Karen had just arrived from Rusper.’
I suspect that Jenny has been in two minds about the recent behaviour of her new ‘sister’. One minute she has been trying to learn more about the term ‘transgenderism’ and wondering how we might help her come to terms with her situation. The next moment she’s having second thoughts and telling me that perhaps we ought not to encourage her, and how embarrassing it would be for the whole family if the story became widely known among her friends and neighbours. I think these mixed feelings have been one of the reasons why we haven’t been in to Crawley this week and she hasn’t been in contact with her sister since last Sunday (although our meeting with those two lads from the village may also have been a contributory factor). I told her not to worry, for the time being at least. Last weekend Josie made a pretty good job of playing the part of a girl, and caused us no particular embarrassment, just mild irritation when she walked off with the first prize. So why shouldn’t that also be the case this coming weekend? As far as I’m concerned; if that’s how Josie wishes to spend her time, then good luck to her. Why should it bother me?
We caught sight of Karen and Josie walking towards the bus station soon after we got off our bus. They both looked quite smart. Josie was wearing a pink summer dress that I hadn’t seen before; presumably it was one of those given her by Denise. She looked quite comfortable wearing a pair of strappy sling back sandals, with medium heels and which showed off her painted toenails. Nobody who didn’t already know would have suspected that this rather poised and confident young lady had been a rather awkward and dejected ‘he’ just over two weeks ago.
‘Hi, you two, what have you been buying this morning?’ I asked pointing to a ‘New Look’ bag that Josie was holding
‘Just a bra and some knickers’ she replied dismissively.
‘There’s a bit more than ‘just a bra and some knickers,’ have a look at these,’ said Karen delving into the carrier bag and holding up a dark blue camisole set for us to see.
‘Oh my!’ I said in an exaggerated girly voice. ‘They are sexy looking. Is there a special occasion when you are intend to wear them?’
‘No, not really. I just liked the colour,’ answered Josie, with a mixture of embarrassment and determination not to be embarrassed.
Jen looked as if she was in a mild state of shock. I could see that she didn’t really approve of Karen and I encouraging Josie in this way, but why shouldn’t she have some fun like the rest of us?
‘There are some lovely nightdresses with a matching negligee in Debenhams in that colour; they are really good value, if you need one,’ I said, knowing that she had slept in an old t-shirt the previous weekend.
Jenny looked daggers at me.
‘I think Josie is now spent up,’ commented Karen.
‘I do still have the Debenhams shopping voucher that I won. As Denise refuses to accept it, I think the fairest thing would be for me to split it between the four of us,’ she said.
I looked at the other two. Jenny was clearly unsure how to react.
‘That is very generous of you Josie,’ said Karen, ‘but you had to go through the most discomfort and put in the most effort, so I think you should have the benefit’.
Both Jenny and I looked daggers at her.
‘No. You three designed the song and dance routine and encouraged me so you also deserve a share in the prize money. There is no way that I would be able to spend the whole £200, especially with that money your mother gave to me. If we divide it four ways then I’ll still be able to get everything I need for the next five days..’
‘Are you sure there’s nothing that you’d like to get for Joe?’ asked Jenny.
I could see she was torn between accepting and refusing the offer from her ‘sister’.
‘Joe just hoards his cash — he can sort himself out when the time comes,’ Josie replied dismissively.
Karen looked at me and then at Jenny, as if she were trying to work out what we were thinking. I did my best to convey to her that we should ‘take the money,’ although without saying as much.
In the end Karen shrugged her shoulders.
‘Alright then, thank you very much.’
Jenny and I added our thanks.
‘In that case, shall we make our way to Debenhams?’ asked Josie.
With four teenage girls, one £200 Debenhams shopping voucher doesn’t last for very long. By the end of the morning we’d all bought ourselves something nice to take to Southport. I pointed out the nightdress and negligee set that I’d mentioned to Josie which came with a pair of matching slippers.
‘They are nice and very reasonably priced, and I’ll need some night wear,’ she said.
‘You could buy yourself some pyjamas for a quarter of the price,’ commented Jenny.
‘I know, but I have to spend the money on something,’ she countered with a trace of petulance.
’She really is turning into a girl,’ I thought to myself.
Jenny didn’t respond.
Whilst Josie was busy looking at the negligee, Karen had a quiet word with both Jenny and myself.
‘I think we ought to get Josie something to acknowledge everything that she has done for the three us over the last two weeks and the fact that she has shared her prize with us.’
‘What do you have in mind?’ I asked.
‘We persuaded her to have her ears pierced but she doesn’t have much jewellery of her own. She has just given us fifty pounds each. I think we could each afford to contribute ten pounds of that and get her something nice for when we go away.’
‘I suppose so, as long as I get to borrow them when she turns back into a boy,’ commented Jenny.
‘Alright Karen, if you hand over your ten pounds, Jenny and I can choose something for her after you have both left us,’ I suggested.
Later, whilst we were waiting for Jenny to try on one of her chosen purchases I had a word with Josie.
‘You really do prefer living as a girl than a boy, don’t you?’
‘I suppose that must be pretty obvious by now,’ she answered.
‘We began to suspect as much ever since that time you went with Sarah to buy your own eye shadow last week,’ said Karen joining in the conversation.
‘I am happier living as Josie at the moment because I can get away with it whilst I’m staying in Crawley, but I can’t go home dressed like this, somebody would be bound to notice and put two and two together. Also I’m not sure that I could bear to go to school as Josie, with everybody laughing at me behind my back’.
‘I don’t think that everyone would laugh at you, but you won’t be able to prevent them from gossiping,’ I said.
‘Yes I know, and I would hate that.’
‘So what are you going to do about it?’ Karen asked.
‘I’ve absolutely no idea. I’ve been having such a great time over the last two weeks but am also feeling confused about who I am and what I want to be.’
I don’t think either of us doubted what she said for one minute. Jenny re-emerged from the changing rooms, wearing a new top that she had chosen, and we confirmed that it looked fine, so she went back to take it off so that we could buy it.
‘Does your mother know your feelings, Josie?’ Karen asked, returning to the previous subject.
‘I’m sure she’s guessed as much by now, particularly when I so readily agreed to stay as Josie at your house this week.’
‘Maybe she has, but I think you should try and explain to her properly how you are feeling, all the same, rather than just leave her guessing’ said Karen in her ‘Miss Kind and Considerate’ voice.
‘I will try and find the opportunity to talk to her over the coming weekend.’
Jenny re-emerged from the changing cubicle and so our conversation ended soon afterwards. Everybody had by this time made their selections and so we took our purchases to one of the tills where Josie exchanged her voucher. In then end she had bought herself the sleepwear, another bra and pant set and a couple of pairs of tights and so had to supplement her share with some of her own money.
I needed to return home to sort out some clothes and pack a case ready for our trip to Southport the following day. Fortunately there would only be five of us in the car this time and everything that Aunt Carol needed for her work was being sent up by a courier service so she was happy for us each to pack one medium sized suitcase. Having done so, I was happy to return to Rusper for the evening as Jenny and I were planning to meet up with the two lads, as we wouldn’t be seeing them again for several days. It therefore made sense for me to stay the night with Jenny once again. Aunt Carol could bring us back in the morning to collect Josie and Karen and our luggage before we left for Southport.
‘Is there anything that you will want me to bring from home tomorrow?’ Jenny asked Josie before she left..
‘No thanks, that all belongs to Joe, I have everything that I need for the weekend.’
I could see that Jenny wasn’t happy with this reply, but she didn’t say anything.
I was a little sorry that Sue decided to stay at Rusper again last night as I hadn’t seen her all week, and I was going to be at work when they called in to collect Karen and Josie this morning, and would then disappear for another four days. That’s teenagers for you, I suppose! However, I have spoken to her on the phone and I’ve had Karen and Josie for company this last week. In fact the house will seem quite empty once they leave.
‘Girls, would you like me to fix your hair for you both?’ I asked last night.
This usually went down well with my two, and so I assumed that it would also do so with Josie.
‘Yes please Mum, I need to wash my hair,’ said Karen. ‘I’ll have a shower and shampoo now, and then Josie can go in whilst you are rolling up my hair.’
‘By the way Josie, are those breast forms of yours still quite comfortable?’ I asked.
‘I think they are alright; the surrounding skin shows no sign of soreness or discolouration and they’re both still securely attached despite my having taken several showers and a bath this week. In fact they feel quite comfortable now that I’m getting used to the feel of them,’ she answered.
‘In that case I suggest you leave them in place until you’re back from your trip to the seaside.’
‘That’s a relief, I wasn’t really looking forward to taking them off.’
Karen left us to have her shower, but Josie seemed to want to have a talk with me.
‘Aunt Jean, do you think that I am transgendered?’ she asked.
The question was hardly an earth-shattering surprise given the fact that Josie had recent taken to wearing dresses and lipstick like a duck takes to water, but I suppressed any temptation to respond with the question ‘is the Pope a Catholic?’
‘Well Josie, as I understand it, that the term covers a number of different conditions, some of which definitely do not apply to you. However, the fact that you seem to be so happy and comfortable when you are dressed as a girl compared to how shy and serious you were when dressed as Joe makes me suspect that you may be experiencing some, shall we say ‘uncertainty’ over your gender identity. I am no expert in the matter and it may just be a phase you are going through.’
‘I’d never thought about dressing as a girl before the week before the convention, but as soon as I did so it felt so right for me. I’m not now looking forward to changing back again next week,’ she admitted.
‘Do you feel that you would like to change your sex, and become a girl full-time then?’
‘I just don’t know, I feel totally confused about who I am and how I feel,’ she answered and a tear began to roll down her cheek.
I felt really sorry for her and wondered how I would react if she were my child.
‘The important thing is that you should choose what to do with your life, and not worry too much about what other people may think. However, you must also realise that you could face bullying, hostility and even perhaps violence from ignorant people if you remain openly living as a girl. I would encourage you to discuss your feelings with your mother next week.’
‘Do you think she knows?’
I smiled.
‘She certainly knows that something unusual is happening to you. But you do not need to face it alone. You have a mother, and sister, and friends. The main thing is talk to them and don’t try and keep your feelings to yourself.’
‘Yes, I suppose so.’
‘Promise me that you’ll talk about the way you feel with your mother this weekend,’ I said.
Josie agreed to do so and dried her eyes, and soon afterwards heard that the shower was free.
Whilst Josie was taking her shower I spoke with Karen as I was putting her hair in rollers.
‘What do you think about Josie?’ I asked.
‘I get on very well with her,’ said Karen.
‘But is it a good idea for Joe to spend so much time living as Josie?’
‘I guess that is up to Joe or Josie to decide; certainly she seems to like doing girly things and looking feminine.’
‘But what do you feel about it?’ I asked my daughter.
She shrugged her shoulders.
‘I quite like Josie’s company as a girlfriend, but I am not sure how I will feel about Joe when I next meet him.’
‘What do the others think?’
‘Sue isn’t really bothered. Jenny is a little anxious about where it all might end, and how it might affect her reputation at school. We all agreed that we were happy to have Josie with us as a friend during the next few days, but we would like to know how long it is to be for so we can make some plans.
Josie didn’t need to wash her hair, and once she emerged from the shower she was wearing her new nightdress, negligee and slippers. She did look nice.
‘That shade of blue suits you,’ I said.
We chatted for a while whilst I brushed her hair and put in some rollers.
‘If you don’t mind Aunt Jean I should like to go to bed early as I have to pack my case for tomorrow, and there are a number of articles about transgenderism that I’ve downloaded from the Internet and have not yet had a chance to read.’
‘Alright then, goodnight Josie.’
‘Goodnight, Josie.’
‘I may not have much time to talk with you in the morning so I hope you enjoy your trip to Southport and be sure to have that talk with your Mum,’ I said.
‘I will,’ she answered, ‘and thank you for everything you’ve done for me recently.’
‘It has been my pleasure,’ I replied, and kissed her on the forehead.
Karen also needed to pack her case and paint her nails, so I used the opportunity after they’d both gone upstairs to telephone Carol. I told her about my discussion with Josie and suggested that she should find some time to have a long talk with her son/daughter over the next few days.
‘I’m going to need to get some professional advice, it sounds as if she’ll want to remain as Josie once we get back from Southport,’ said Carol.
‘I think that may be so, but how will she cope when everyone knows her identity?’
‘I’ve no idea.’
‘She would be welcome to continue staying here for a little while, but it is only a matter of time before somebody else starts to wonder what has happened to Joe and who is this new girl,’ I replied.
‘The invitation to go and stay with Denise and her family would give us all a little breathing space, whilst we decided what to do. It would take her away from the possibility of discovery, but it would be irresponsible not to tell Denise’s parents who Josie really was. How do you think they would react, and can we trust them to keep it a secret?’
‘I only know Alice,’ I replied. ‘She’s rich, and perhaps a little spoiled, but fundamentally a decent sort. I suspect that she would be alright. It is a pity that you couldn’t have had a face to face meeting before she left for North Wales, so you could make up your own mind.’
‘I suppose I could ring her as Josie’s mother; that would be quite natural, and then I could see what I think’ said Carol.
As I’d anticipated, I barely had time to talk to the girls this morning before I left for work. I just checked that they were both up and had finished their packing. Karen looked very smart and well-organised, as I knew she would. Josie looked a little apprehensive but also quite lovely. She seemed to look good in whatever she chose to wear and appeared to have a natural ability to use cosmetics to good effect which the best looking girls will sometimes lack. It was difficult for me to picture that just over two weeks ago she was an awkward teenage boy.
‘Well good luck and I hope all goes well for the five of you over the next few days,’ I said.
‘Thanks Mum, and I hope you enjoy the peace and quiet without us,’ said Karen.
I made sure that Jenny and Sue were home early last night and had packed their cases before they went to bed. Thus we were able to have some breakfast and make a reasonably early start. Jean had also promised me last night ensure that the other two would be ready to leave when we arrived at her house at about 9.30 am. We found them both ready and waiting for us. Karen was dressed fairly casually in a halter top and jeans along with the rest of us, but Josie was wearing a rather nice fawn coloured summer dress with pink flowers.
‘Wow! You look smart again this morning Josie, who did your hair and makeup for you?’ asked Sue when we arrived.
‘Your Mum helped me to put my hair in rollers last night, but otherwise it’s all my own work! I’m beginning to get the hang of doing it for myself,’ she answered proudly.
‘So I see, I didn’t realise we were expected to dress up for the car journey,’ I said, smiling.
‘I just wanted to show you one of my new dresses.’
‘Is that one of the ones that Denise gave to you?’ I asked.
‘Yes, I’ve acquired quite a number of her clothes over the last week,’ answered Josie.
‘And she has also bought herself some more fancy lingerie out of her own money,’ added Karen.
‘So I’ve been hearing. I think it was good of you to share your prize with the others.’
Sue now joined the conversation.
‘So did we, in fact Jenny, Karen and I have bought you a pair of earrings and a locket. It is nothing very much but just to say ‘thank you’ for helping us last weekend and agreeing to remain as a girl for the next few days so that we can all go on holiday together. Also for sharing your prize money with us,’ said Sue, handing over a small package in gift wrapping with a ribbon bow and a label.
Josie read the card and un-wrapped the package, thanking them all as she did so. She looked genuinely pleased as she removed her existing earrings which had been borrowed from Karen, replacing them with the new ones, and also put the chain round her neck. I remained a silent observer throughout the exchange, noting that Josie now seemed just as manually dextrous as the others when putting on jewellery, in spite of her long finger nails.
During the car journey to Southport the girls compared notes about what they had done during their previous week and planned what they were going to do over the next few days. I silently listened to their conversation as I drove the car, noting that Josie seemed to be effortlessly behaving as if she were a girl, and the others seemed perfectly happy to accept her as such, at least for the time being.
We checked in to a medium sized hotel midway between the Promenade and Lord Street in Southport and found ourselves occupying two adjoining rooms. The first of which contained two double beds, the second contained two singles. The twins volunteered to share a double bed; Josie and Jenny looked at one another, wondering what to say. However, this seemed to be a good opportunity for me to have a private chat with her.
‘I would like you to share a room with me Josie?’ I said. ‘I haven’t seen very much of you over the last fortnight and I’d welcome the opportunity of having a chat with you’
Josie silently acquiesced and carried her case into my room.
‘Why don’t we all unpack and then perhaps take a rest or a shower?’ I said to the others. I suggest that we should all meet again in the foyer in two hours’ time and then we can go out together and find ourselves some dinner.’
Once Josie and I were alone in the bedroom I was not sure how to broach the topic that was on both of our minds.
‘You seem to have acquired some very nice clothes from Karen’s friend,’ I commented as Josie began to unpack.
‘Yes, her mother insisted that she should give away some of them to make some room in her wardrobe, before she could buy any more. Denise knew that she and I were the same size and so offered them to me,’ she answered.
‘You also appear to have enjoyed yourself living as Josie again over the last week,’ I continued.
‘Yes I suppose I have,’ she answered, blushing a little. ‘Ever since I won the competition last weekend I have felt a lot more confident that I won’t be discovered if I go out. Over the last few days I have been over to see Denise and also out shopping in Crawley.’
‘I am pleased, to know that you have been having a good time, as long as you take care, ‘I answered.
‘I am also now quite competent about getting myself ready each morning and now that I have a range of different clothes available, I have been getting the hang of choosing what to wear,’ added Josie.
‘So I see! I also understand from Jean that you have been helpful to her business. In fact she is very pleased that you decided to stay for another few days as Josie.’
‘Yes, I suppose so, but how do you feel about me staying as Josie, Mum?’
‘I must admit that recent events have taken me by surprise but I want you to be happy, and I don’t think you were particularly happy as Joe.’
Josie thought for a while, but then began to cry.
‘Mum, I don’t know what I am going to do,’ she said with tears beginning to flow down her cheeks.
‘What do you mean my love?’
‘I don’t know what it all means. I don’t think I’ve ever been as happy as I have been during the last fortnight. I’m not looking forward to going back to being a boy, but I know I cannot stay as Josie,’ she explained.
‘I’m not sure what to say’ I answered.
‘Denise mentioned to me that she has a cousin who is ‘transgendered,’ so I looked up the word on the Internet. I think that I may be ‘transgendered’ as well because I feel so good about myself when I am being Josie, compared with Joe. I feel as if this is who I really am.’
‘But you have only been dressing as Josie for the last two weeks; surely it hasn’t all happened in that short period of time?’
‘It had previously gone through my mind that I might have been happier if I had been born a girl, but I’d never let myself think about it before. Then, when the others all wanted me to dress up as a girl for the first time, it all felt so right. Everything they did to me to make me look or act more convincingly just tended to reinforce those good feelings. When I won that competition last week, it felt as if I were fulfilling my destiny,’ she answered.
By now her tears were flowing freely.
‘Are you saying that you want to stay living as Josie?’
‘I don’t want to go back to being a boy.’
‘Do you want to have an operation to change your sex and spend your whole life living as a girl and then a woman, rather than as a man?’ I asked, feeling slightly alarmed by the idea.
‘I don’t know. I feel so confused about myself. All I can say is that I have been really happy as Josie and seem to get on well with Jenny and her friends. Yet I wouldn’t want to go back to our home dressed as a girl in case somebody recognised me. I am dreading the prospect of having to go back to being Joe next week’.
I put my arm around my sobbing child and attempted to offer her some comfort.
‘It has been a shock for me to discover that you are so much happier living as a girl than as a boy,’ I said, ‘but I promise that I will love you just as much either way’.
‘Thank you, but Mum, but what am I going to do?’
‘We do not have a problem for the next four days, as everyone here is expecting you to stay as Josie, but we will have to sort out what to do with you for the remaining four weeks of the summer holiday, and indeed after that. I suggest you should leave your problem with me for the time being, and in the meanwhile you should try to enjoy yourself as a girl for the next few days.’
‘Thanks Mum,’ said Josie, wiping her eyes.
‘But you must now allow me to use my judgement about discussing your situation with other adults, although I promise to do my best to make sure that your identity remains a secret, at least for the time being.’
‘Alright, then you may go ahead, if necessary,’ she replied.
‘I’ve been trying to find out some more about transgenderism, and have downloaded these from the Web. You might like to have a look at some of them,’ she said giving me a large envelope containing the information she’d printed out.
‘Jenny and I have been doing the same thing. I think we all need to do as much as we can to understand how you are feeling,’ I said. ‘However, in the meanwhile I suggest that you shouldn’t say anything to the others about the future unless they specifically ask you. Go and wash your face and repair your makeup before we go and get some food.’
Josie agreed and soon recovered her composure. She decided to change her dress and put on some more makeup.
I kept a close eye on the way my younger daughter behaved and interacted with the others, both during the dinner and afterwards as we all went out for an evening walk along the promenade, and on to the pier. For most of the time she seemed to be no different from the others, and the four girls chatted happily to one another. Occasionally there was a trace of awkwardness in her demeanour although she was clearly doing her best to fit in and the others appeared happy to help her learn how to do so.
‘I wonder if it could work.’ I thought to myself, ‘and whether Joseph would indeed be happier living as Josie. She certainly seems to be learning fast, but it would be such an enormous step to take for her to live full-time as a young woman.’
When we returned to the hotel, the others were planning to watch a film together in their room and invited Josie to join for a while. I agreed as I wanted to read several of the documents printed for me by my daughter.
Both Josie and Aunt Carol seemed a little bit subdued last night when we met up again for dinner, and I had the impression that Josie had been crying, although I didn’t think that they’d had a row. Jenny also had the same feeling as I did but we didn’t feel it was our place to enquire into what had gone on between them. Instead we did our best to cheer up Josie during an evening walk along the Promenade, and afterwards invited her to come to our room to watch ‘The Devil Wears Prada’, on television with us. The film had just been released to be shown on tv and none of us had seen it before. So by the time she went to bed she was her normal cheerful self.
Inevitably, as soon as Josie left us there was some further discussion among the three of us as to what we made of our new girlfriend/sister.
‘We really did open Pandora's box when we asked her to stand in for Denise,’ said Sue. ‘I don’t see her ever wanting to go back to her old life now.’
‘Me neither,’ I agreed. ‘I know she seemed a little bit quiet over dinner tonight, but she cheered up later. In fact, she just seems to have slotted in to her new identity with ease.’
‘But how is she going to get on at home and at school?’ asked Jenny.
‘I would imagine it would be with some difficulty on her part,’ I suggested. ‘I can’t see the lads in her village, or the others in her class accepting the change without comment and no doubt some embarrassment all round.’
‘Yes, and that won’t be confined to her school year and will no doubt include me as well,’ said Jenny.
‘But you wouldn’t want your sister to be unhappy,’ said Sue.
‘I don’t know what I want at the moment and whether I have a brother or a sister.’
Josie and Aunt Carol joined us at breakfast at 8.30am this morning. As we were coming to expect, Josie looked very pretty indeed, wearing yet another of Denise’s summer dresses and putting the rest of us to shame in our jeans and tops.
‘You really are getting quite proficient with your hair and makeup,’ I thought to myself as I sat looking at my new friend. ‘It seems to have come quite naturally in your case.’
‘Do you girls have any plans for today, or indeed for tomorrow when I’ll be involved with a trade exhibition for most of the day?’ asked Aunt Carol.
Nobody had any particular ideas as to what to do.
‘Why don’t you go out and explore the seafront and the Marine Lake this morning?’ she suggested. ‘I have a few things to do in my room and some phone calls to make, but I’ll meet you at the entrance to the Pier at 1.00pm and then we can all have lunch together in town and then perhaps we can go have a look around Lord Street together this afternoon’.
‘Alright Mum,’ said Jenny.
‘Well then ladies, does anyone need to fix their hair or makeup before we go?’ she said with a significant look at her sister.
‘I’m good, thanks,’ Josie replied.
We all spent some of our money on the 2p slot machines on the pier arcade but were unable either to walk or take the tramway to the end of the pier because Josie’s heels would have fallen through the wooden slats. Instead we took a walk over to the ‘New Pleasureland,’ and had a look at the "Zyklon Loop" rollercoaster. It looked pretty scary but we decided it was perhaps a little bit expensive.
‘Why don’t we hire one of the giant swan pedalo boats on the Marine Lake instead?’ Sue suggested.
‘That’s a good idea,’ replied Jenny.
‘I’m not really suitably dressed for boating,’ said Josie.
Jenny sighed audibly.
‘Josie, if you want to be treated like a girl, you should start dressing and acting like a real one and not some ‘Princess Barbie.’’
’You can always tell when Jenny’s period is due,’ I thought to myself.
Poor Josie went bright red and didn’t answer. Her lip trembled as if she might start crying, but she managed to stop herself and the others didn’t notice.
‘Come on, Josie, I’m sure that the guy hiring the boat will give you a hand to get in and out and we can sit in the back seats and leave the pedalling to the other two,’ I suggested.
Whilst Jenny and Sue were noisily engaged in propelling our craft across the lake, Josie murmured to me: ‘I’m only wearing the clothes given to me by Denise; she didn’t give me any trousers or flat heels.’
‘I know, and you look very nice in them, but you will find there are times when dresses and skirts are not very practical. It’s a question of knowing what’s most appropriate to wear, but you’ll soon get the hang of it when you’ve had a little more experience.’
‘I’ve only got two or three more days as Josie, worst luck.’
I felt really sorry for her and would have liked to have mentioned the invitation for us to stay with Denise, but I’d promised my Mum not to do so. Of course Denise had asked me on the phone what was happening regarding the invitation and all I could do was put her off until Josie’s mother had decided. I was getting to like Josie, and wasn’t sure what I’d do if I were allowed to go to stay with Denise on my own whilst she was left at home. On the other hand, though, I’d far rather spend ten days of my holiday in Wales with Denise than in Crawley with Joe as he used to be.
We met Aunt Carol at the agreed time and made our way to Weatherspoon’s on Lord Street for some lunch.
‘I’m afraid there will be a small change of plan this afternoon, girls. I have to meet someone in Chester at 5.00pm and so you’ll need to amuse yourselves again. It‘s about an hour’s drive from here so I’ll have to leave you at 3.30pm, but I should be back in time for dinner at 7.30pm.’
‘Don’t worry, Mum, there’s a branch of ‘BHS’ and a ‘Primark’ in Chapel Street, both of which will be open this afternoon,’ said Jenny.
‘There was also a rather good shoe shop on Lord Street that I’d like to visit as well,’ added Sue.
Aunt Carol sighed.
‘You have a Primark, a BHS, and several large shoe shops in Crawley.’
‘I know Mum but it will be somewhere for us to go whilst you are away,’ said Jenny.
‘Alright and have a look out for somewhere suitable and not too expensive for us to have dinner tonight.’
As soon as Aunt Carol left, Josie went to a cash dispenser and withdrew a hundred pounds from Joe’s account.
‘Alright you three, you are now going to show me exactly what I need to buy so that I don’t end up looking like some ‘Princess Barbie’ again tomorrow.’
‘But I thought you were supposed to saving up for a new computer,’ said Jenny, now feeling a little guilty about her earlier observation.
‘That was Joe; I won’t be needing a new computer anymore,’ said Josie, defiantly.
I’m not sure about the etiquette when one half of a split personality starts spending the money saved by the other half, but the deed was done and the money was now in Josie’s hands, so over the next couple of hours we fixed up with a nice pair of black trousers and a dark red top, both from Primark together with a pair of brown leather wedge heels from the shoe shop. We all agreed on wedges rather than flats, since we felt that she could probably benefit from the extra height to make her look a little older. By the time we’d finished our shopping, Josie would be able to melt into any crowd of sixteen year old schoolgirls without attracting attention. Whilst we were out shopping we also found a reasonable looking Chinese restaurant in London Street, for our dinner.
By 6.30 we’d taken our purchases back to the hotel, all had a shower and were waiting for Aunt Carol to return from her meeting. She did so just before seven, looking quite pleased with herself.
‘So what have you all been doing this afternoon?’ she asked.
‘We’ve been shopping and bought me to a pair of trousers and a top,’ replied Josie, clearly a little hesitant about her mother’s reaction.’
‘That’s nice, you’ll have to show me them later. Now let’s all go and get some dinner, and then there are some things that I need to talk to you all about.’
I’d been expecting to receive a phone call from Josie’s mother ever since I spoke to Jean last Thursday. After all, I would never let Denise go to stay with another family unless I’d first discussed the arrangements at some length with the adults concerned. So it was no surprise when a woman rang this morning and introduced herself as Carol Sharp, Josie’s mother. She sounded a little anxious about how her daughter would get on, if she were to come to stay.
‘May I call you Carol?’ I asked.
‘Yes of course, please do.’
‘Good, and please call me Alice. Well, Carol, we have plenty of room to put up two girls so as long as you don’t mind her sharing a room with Karen, she should be fine.’
‘I know but …,’
She hesitated for a moment so I continued with my sales pitch.
‘Travel to and from Crawley won’t be a problem, as my husband will be driving up next Friday, and returning ten days later. Our holiday home is just outside of Llangollen, which is lovely at this time of the year. It is a quiet and peaceful part of the country and there are lots of places to visit nearby.’
I heard her sigh.
‘Alice, I would like Josie to get away from Crawley for a little while, but there is a complication, and one that I don’t feel I can easily discuss it with you over the phone. I happen to be staying in Southport at the moment, which is only about seventy miles from you. Would there be any chance that I could drive over and have a confidential chat with you this afternoon, before I make my decision?’
‘I suppose so,’ I replied, a little surprised by the need for such elaborate preparation. ‘Denise and her father are visiting my mother-in-law today, and I’d intended to take the bus and train to Chester this afternoon. Could we meet up there, as that would save twenty miles from your journey?’
‘That would suit me fine, thank you. Would five o’clock be alright?’
‘Yes, that will give me the opportunity of doing some shopping first. Do you know the ‘Mad Hatters Tea Room’ in Bridge Street Row?’
’No, but I’m sure I’ll be able to find it. I’ll see you there at five.’
Carol proved to be a fairly smart, business-like sort of woman, who was sitting at a table reading some printed papers as I arrived five minutes late and laden with my shopping bags. She looked up and smiled.
‘Alice?’
‘Yes, hi Carol, I’m sorry I’m a little late.’
‘No problem. I’ve ordered a pot of tea. Would that be ok for you as well?’
We spent a couple of minutes on the usual social chit chat whilst the tea arrived and was poured, I then looked at her expectantly and smiled.
‘Alice, I need to tell you some information that is important to the welfare of my child. Can I rely on your discretion, irrespective of what we both may decide to do this afternoon?’
‘I would hope so.’
‘You see Josie isn’t exactly my daughter,’ she said, struggling for the right way to put it.
‘Oh! I thought you said that you were her mother?’
‘I am the mother, but Josie isn’t my daughter … Joe is, or at least was, my son.’
‘Oh!’ I re-iterated, not knowing what else to say.
My older sister’s younger son had announced that he wanted to transition and live as a woman about five years ago when he was eighteen, but despite more than three years on hormones and a couple of operations my niece still showed slight traces of her original gender. It was certainly not the same situation as the young girl with a sweet smile who’d borrowed Denise’s dress and then offered to help me get the tea ready last week.
‘Josie seems to have been undergoing a major identity crisis over the last couple of weeks and says that she wants to continue living as a girl. It all started when Denise had to drop out of that competition and then his sister and the twins persuaded him to fill in for her.’
‘His sister?’
‘Yes, perhaps I should have explained, I am Jenny’s mother, Joe’s her brother.’
‘Did Denise know about this scheme to substitute Joe in her place?’
‘I believe so.’
‘Oh! So it is also partly her fault, as well?’
‘No, I didn’t mean to imply that. In any event the question of ‘fault’ doesn’t really come into it. This is the way things have turned out.’
‘But she was also expecting to pass Josie off as a girl when she came to stay.’
‘Josie doesn’t know anything about your invitation, as yet. I think it was a scheme cooked up between Karen and Denise.’
‘No actually it was my suggestion, as Josie struck me as being a well-behaved and sensible sort of girl who gets on well with Denise, and would be a good influence,’ I replied. ‘I’d absolutely no idea that there was anything unusual about her.’
‘I suppose Karen and Denise assumed that since Josie had done so well at the convention she’d be able to keep up with the pretence, but there was no way that I would allow the visit to take place without your knowing.’
‘I shall be having a few words with my daughter later on.’
‘I hope you won’t be too hard on her. I think they were only trying to help Josie.’
‘I suppose so, but what are you intending to do?’ I asked.
‘I’m not sure what to do. I need some time to take advice on the best way forward, but if my former son is determined to live as a girl, I’d rather she did so away from Crawley, at least for the time being. Your invitation would be something of a godsend, if it were still open, but I can hardly expect you to agree to her staying now that you know the whole story.’
There was a trace of anxiety beginning to show in her voice.
‘Does Jean know the full story?’
‘Yes, she does. Having Josie substitute for Denise was the only way we could think of to enable Jenny and the twins to continue with their competition entry. We’d no idea that there might be longer term consequences for Josie.’
‘Would Jean be happy about her daughter and Josie sharing a bedroom?’
‘Oh yes. They shared a hotel room at the convention.’
I thought about the implications for a moment before answering.
‘In that case, Carol, I don’t see that so much has changed since I first invited her. So long as your child is willing to remain as Josie for the duration of her visit, I don’t see why she shouldn’t come and stay.’
‘Really! That would be a great help to me if she could.’
‘I’m glad you have told me the whole story, but I’m not sure what to say to Denise’s father as it might worry him. I think we may have to keep this information on a ‘need to know’ basis, don’t you?’
She smiled at me.
‘I would prefer that as few people knew the details as possible, but I will leave it for you to decide.’
‘So Karen and Josie will come back with my husband next Friday after his meeting.’
‘Yes. Both girls are with me at present. They will be travelling back with me on Tuesday, so it will just be a question of keeping Josie out of the public eye for a few days.
‘Will you be travelling anywhere near Llangollen on Tuesday?’ I asked
‘We could make a detour.’
‘In that case you would be welcome to drop them off on Tuesday. That way they would have almost a full fortnight in Wales.’
‘I’ll need to talk to the girls tonight and see what they think, and also talk to Jean. Maybe I could phone you tomorrow morning?’
‘Alright then.’
‘Alice, I’m really grateful for your help.’
‘Think nothing of it, I’ll be happy to have your daughter stay.’
‘I should warn you that she’ll probably be wearing some of Denise’s dresses,’ said Carol smiling. ‘She’s turned into quite a little girly-girl but I’ll leave her some money to get herself some new clothes.’
‘I was glad to see that some of Denise’s dresses have found a good home, and I’m sure the other two will enjoy helping her to choose some more things to wear.’
We finished our tea and Carol returned to her car. I made my way to the railway station with my shopping, but decided to take a taxi home from Ruabon station rather than take the bus as it would give me more opportunity to think about what I’d just heard. I shall certainly be having a quiet word with Denise when she gets back tonight, but I’m also quite looking forward to the prospect of having the two teenagers stay, as well.
Josie was a bit of a pain on Sunday morning, dressed in her smart girly clothes which tended to show the rest of us up whilst also preventing us from going on to the pier. Maybe I was a little hard on her by calling her ‘Princess Barbie,’ after all she is new to all of this and doesn’t have a lot of choice about what to wear. For that reason I was happy to go shopping yesterday afternoon to help her to find something a little more practical to wear for today. At least Josie is willing to spend a little of her own money on clothes, which would have been quite out of character for Joe.
As soon as Mum got back from her meeting last night we were sent to our respective hotel rooms to change into something less casual, as she was intending to take us all out to a restaurant. (Presumably she was able to charge some of it towards her business expenses.) As usual, Sue and I took a little longer to get ready than the Karen, so when we eventually came down we found Mum, Josie and Karen in the hotel lobby already in earnest conversation with one another.
‘Josie and Karen have been invited to stay with Denise’s parents for a fortnight,’ announced Mum. ‘We shall be dropping them off at Llangollen on our way home on Tuesday. Unfortunately they only have room for two girls to stay, but Jean and I will find a way of making it up to the other two of you.’
‘That’s alright; I’m not sure that I’d want to spend a a whole fortnight in Wales with Denise and her mother. Also I’ve plenty to do at home,’ said Sue, clearly thinking of those two guys from our village.
I felt pretty much the same myself. At least I wouldn’t now have to look after Joe if Mum had to stay away overnight, and there would now be no danger that anyone in the village would find out about Josie for the next fortnight. On the other hand though, I didn’t want to make things too easy for Mum or my sister. I wanted it to look as if I was being magnanimous.
‘I see,’ I said flatly, with a tone of studied disappointment. ‘Maybe you could take Sue and I out somewhere for a treat instead, Mum.’
‘I’ve already discussed some ideas with your mother, Sue. She would be quite happy to have Jenny stay during the week and I have promised to have you both at weekends, and maybe we can go somewhere nice.’
‘That would suit me,’ said Sue.
‘Me too,’ said Karen. ‘The only trouble is that all the clothes that I brought with me to Southport will have been worn by Tuesday.’
‘In that case I suggest that you and Josie should do some laundry straight after dinner tonight, so that everything can be washed and ironed by Tuesday morning. If there is anything else that you are going to need from your home, tell Sue where to find it as Denise’s father will be driving from Crawley to Llangollen on Friday and I’m sure he’d be happy to bring another suitcase with him.’
‘I might need a few more clothes as well,’ said Josie.
Mum sighed, but I knew that she was making much better money now compared to before her promotion.
‘I know, and I’ll give both you and Jenny fifty pounds each to get yourself something when you next go shopping.’
‘Maybe there are some advantages to having a transgendered sister who needs to be kept out of the public eye,’ I thought to myself.
‘I’ve also got my birthday coming up in a fortnight; can I also get myself something as a present from you?’ asked Josie.
Mum sighed.
‘If you are sure that’s what you want for your birthday.’
The five of us went out for our meal, but didn’t stay too long as Josie and Karen had to prepare for Tuesday. In fact Sue and I also managed to wring one other small advantage out of our having been left out of Denise’s invitation, by suggesting that they might also do our laundry whilst they were doing their own. Somewhat to my surprise they both agreed without any argument. Mum was more concerned with getting herself ready for her work presentation the following day, which was the reason why we’d come to Southport in the first place. Sue and I therefore went out on the prowl, talent-spotting, for an hour or so. We even made it to the end of the pier where we hung out for a while with some local lads, but otherwise it was an uneventful evening.
This morning Karen and I were the last down to breakfast, to find that Mum had already left for her work, and that Sue and Josie were chatting to two guys in the lobby. The taller of the pair, who was talking to Sue was really quite something. The other one, who appeared to be his younger brother seemed a little shy, but was quite presentable, all the same. They were just leaving as we arrived.
‘See you this afternoon then girls,’ the taller one said.
‘Yeah, sure,’ said Sue smiling.
Josie didn’t say anything and looked a little embarrassed.
‘Josie and I have just been invited out to the New Pleasureland, this afternoon,’ said Sue smugly. ‘It’s the last day in Southport for those two brothers and so they’ve asked us to join them.’
‘How come Josie gets all the invitations?’ I said feeling a little bit aggrieved.
‘Maybe if you hadn’t spent so long in the shower this morning and held me up in the process?’ suggested Karen.
‘I had to deal with my period,’ I replied.
(It’s strange but I would never have dreamed of mentioning my period if Joe had been there, but it wasn’t an issue with Josie present.)
‘Don’t blame me, I never said a word to encourage them,’ said Josie.
‘I know, but the older one wouldn’t have asked me, if you hadn’t also been there to keep his brother company,’ said Sue.
I could see that Josie was feeling a little guilty about this second invitation in two days, although I realised it wasn’t her fault.
‘Maybe I could pay for you and Karen to go on one of the rides, this afternoon,’ she offered.
‘Alright, and I’ll go halves with you,’ added Sue.
‘The lads are bound to take them on at least two rides, so why don’t we chip in for a ride each as well?’ Karen asked me.
‘At least I’ll be able to keep an eye of my sister, and make sure he doesn’t try to put his hand up her dress.’
‘I won’t be wearing a dress,’ said Josie, slightly horrified by the prospect.
‘Oh yes you will, and so will I. The ‘Barbie Princess’ look is what we should be aiming for if we are being taken to a funfair. That way they’ll feel obliged to help us on and off the rides.’
Sue and I indulged in a little gentle teasing of my younger sister during the course of the morning, as we sorted out our laundry.
‘Be careful what you hold on to when they take us on to the ‘Wild Mouse, Josie, you may give him the wrong idea,’ said Sue.
‘We’re all leaving Southport tomorrow, so he’ll hardly be expecting to go to bed with you, but you should be prepared for some heavy petting on the ghost train, all the same,’ I added.
‘There isn’t a ghost train,’ said Josie, blushing.
Eventually Karen told us to lay off the teasing, and leave her alone.
In the event, the two lads didn’t mind us all going round the fun fair as a group of six, although there was an unspoken understanding that Karen and I would share a ride together and pay our own fares, leaving the guys to pay for our respective sisters. Josie’s escort, Richard, was just as shy as she was; there was a little innocent snuggling or else holding on to one another during the most exciting rides, but nothing more. Sue, who was far more experienced in dealing with boys probably had the more fun with Douglas, the elder brother, but even she didn’t let things go too far as both groups would be going their separate ways in the morning.
Mum was going to be involved with her work until nearly 8.00pm and we’d arranged to have dinner ourselves, and so joined the lads to go to a Pizza Hut, although on this occasion everyone paid for themselves. I must say though, Josie dealt with the slightly awkward parting quite well. She smiled sweetly and thanked Richard for his company, and for taking her on some rides. When it looked as if he was unlikely to respond, she kissed him chastely on the cheek. The poor guy went bright red, but didn’t look as if he was unhappy.
‘My goodness, if some of Joe’s school fellows ever learned what went on in Southport, he would never be able to show his face within fifty miles of his home,’ I said to the others after Josie left us that night.
‘Joe? Who’s Joe?’ asked Karen.
I smiled.
‘Alright, I’m pleased that my sister Josie seems to be enjoying herself so much this summer, but I am worried about her future.’
‘From what I’ve seen over the last couple of weeks, I should think she’ll be alright,’ added Sue.
We had all packed our cases and eaten breakfast by 10.00am this morning and were about to begin the process of loading Aunt Carol’s car, whilst she was checking out of the hotel. Josie had been the last to get ready on this occasion, having spent more time than the rest of us on her hair and makeup. Even now she was still trying to fix her hair.
‘Come on missy you don’t need to take all day making yourself look beautiful, after all you are only going to be sitting in the car for the next couple hours,’ complained Jenny, but smiling as she did so as she was usually the one to keep us waiting
‘I know, but we’ll be having lunch at Llangollen and I want to look my best when we meet Denise’s mother again. It’ll be the first time I’ve seen her since she has known who I am and I’ll feel less nervous if I look nice,’ answered Josie.
‘My sister is turning in to a real girly girl!’ commented Jenny to me in mock disgust.
‘I think you should take that as a compliment, Josie,’ I said. ‘Jenny is only jealous because we were invited out yesterday.’
‘Remember, you two, nor to mention those two lads in front of my Mum,’ said Jenny. ‘I’m not sure how she would react to knowing that Josie had already been out on a date.’
‘It wasn’t ’a date’,’ said Josie, blushing once again.
‘Well he did put his arm round you and you kissed him,’ I said.
Karen returned to the previous topic of conversation, wishing to spare Josie’s blushes.
‘I don’t think you need to worry too much Josie,’ she said. ‘I spoke to Denise this morning and her mother now seems to be reasonably happy about your situation. However, we’ll all have to be a little cautious about what we say over lunch as her dad probably won’t have any idea about your identity.’
‘I just want to enjoy myself as Josie and forget that Joe ever existed.’
‘Maybe you can do that for the next two weeks, but we’ll have to see what happens after that,’ added Aunt Carol, who had re-joined us at that point.
During the course of our car journey through the through various small towns on the West Lancashire coast, Jenny and I were busy discussing our plans for the next few days.
‘So it’s agreed then, we’ll stay in Crawley for a few days with my Mum, and then Aunt Carol has offered to take us to visit London next weekend,’ I said by way of summing up.
Mum turned on the car radio and to our surprise we heard news reports about the rioting that had been taking place in some areas of London, and also copycat riots in other towns. That sort of thing didn’t usually happen in the UK.
‘I hope there isn’t going to be any trouble in the centre of Liverpool, as we have to drive through the docks to get to the Mersey Tunnels,’ commented Aunt Carol. ‘It also sounds as if we may have to postpone our trip to London until things settle down.’
‘The trouble seems only to have been in some poorer neighbourhoods in London. Not the West End,’ said Jenny.
‘We’ll have to see what the situation is later in the week.’
We passed through Crosby and into Bootle and then the Liverpool docks. There was no sign of any rioting but the area around the docks did look rather run down.
‘I’m glad I don’t live here,’ said Jenny, as we passed a row of boarded-up shops and turned towards the entrance to the Wallasey Tunnel under the River Mersey.
‘Me too,’ I replied thinking that we were all quite fortunate to live in the South East where there was a degree of prosperity and full-employment.
We all went quiet for a while as the car passed through the tunnel, but once we’d emerged and paid the toll we joined a motorway down the Wirral peninsular towards North Wales and the area once again appeared to be more prosperous. It was now Josie and Karen’s turn to begin to discuss their plans for the next two weeks.
‘So what is there for us to do in Llangollen?’ asked Josie.
Karen took out her iPhone and began to read.
‘The local website says that the small town is very picturesque and gets plenty of tourists. We have missed the International Music Eisteddfod held in July but they often have exhibitions at a showground nearby.’
I looked across at Jenny and rolled my eyes.
‘There’s also a preserved steam railway in the town and a museum devoted to two aristocratic Irish lesbians who ran away from home in the eighteenth century and lived together in a civil union for nearly fifty years.’
‘Wow! That sounds really entertaining,’ I said. ‘You’re making Jenny and I jealous that we weren’t invited to stay.’
Jenny sniggered, but Karen ignored us and continued reading from her phone.
‘There are also lots of places to visit nearby including the ‘Horseshoe Falls’, ‘Horseshoe Pass’ or you can take a canal barge trip over the famous Pontcysyllte aqueduct, built by Thomas Telford. Alternatively, visitor can climb up to Dinas Bran, the remains of an eighth century Welsh castle.’
‘What about shops?’ I asked.
Karen stopped reading.
‘Denise says that the nearest town of any size is Wrexham, but that is a bit of a dump, but it is fairly easy to get from Llangollen to Chester, which she says is an interesting place to visit and is also good for shopping.’
On balance, I was quite relieved not to have been invited to go and stay and would far rather remain in Crawley with Jenny and our friends, and also have a trip to London (riots permitting). On the other hand Josie seemed to be quite excited by the prospect of a visit, although I guess she mainly wants to get away from Crawley for a while.
We made good time once we were through the Mersey Tunnel and shortly after midday we were pulling in to the drive of Denise’s parents’, so-called ‘summer cottage,’ which turned out to be quite a respectable looking detached house. No doubt it could have housed a half dozen or so of the locals, if they’d only been able to afford the rent. Instead it stood empty for much of the year apart from the occasional weekend and holiday visits. No wonder that the natives sometime resented rich townies from South East England coming in and buying up the available property.
Denise was waiting for us as we pulled up, looking as if she’d been bored and was very pleased to see us. She invited the four of us up to the spare room, whilst Aunt Carol remained downstairs to have a word with her mother. There was inevitably a certain amount of excited chatter as Josie and Karen inspected their new sleeping quarters and each chose a bed.
‘How’s the operation, Denise?’ I asked.
‘I feel fine and I’m pleased to say the scar is beginning to fade. So what have you all been doing since I left Crawley?’ Denise wanted to know.
‘Nothing much out of the ordinary, apart from a few days in Southport. My sister has been out on her first date, but don’t mention it to my Mum,’ said Jenny.
‘It was not a date,’ reiterated Josie. ‘I was just keeping some guy company so that his brother would have a chance to make out with Sue.’
‘You’ll have to tell me all about it later,’ said Denise.
‘What did your Mum say when she found out about Josie?’ asked Karen.
‘Not too much. She was a little put out that we’d fooled her and said that I should have explained the situation as soon as she first suggested that the two of you should come and stay, but I think she has now forgiven us and is looking forward to having you stay.’
‘What about your Dad?’ asked Josie.
‘Dad wasn’t particularly sympathetic when my cousin began to transition, so Mum and I think that it is probably best that we don’t tell him about Josie. There must be no reference to Joe when we are in the house, but I don’t think you will need to worry too much. He’s not exactly observant at the best of times, and spends a fair amount of time playing golf or working in his study whilst he’s here.’
‘As far as I’m concerned, I am happy to stick with Josie for the duration of my visit,’ she answered.
Nobody responded but the original four of us shared significant glances and wondered what we’d all set in motion back in July.
We were called down for a buffet lunch on their lawn, and Denise’s father also put in a brief appearance. Fortunately the lunchtime discussion was mainly concerned with the rioting, the decline of modern civilisation, and how young people today don’t know how well off they are or how hard their parents had it. I kept a surreptitious watch on the way that both her parents reacted to Josie, but neither of them appeared to treat her any differently from the rest of us. Eventually, Jenny, Aunt Carol and I had to leave to continue our journey back to Crawley.
‘I hope you two have a good time but be sure to behave yourself, and take care, especially you Josie,’ said Aunt Carol as we were about to leave.
‘We will, and thanks for everything, to all three of you,’ she replied
‘How do you think she’ll get on over the next fortnight?’ I asked Aunt Carol as we pulled away.
‘I hope she’ll be alright, she behaves like a sensible girl; it is the longer term that I am more worried about.
On the way home I pretended to go to sleep as we drove down the Motorway. After a while, Jenny spoke to her mother.
‘Mum, what is going to happen about Josie when she gets back home?’
‘I really don’t know dear. I’m going to try and make an appointment to see a specialist as soon as possible to seek advice.’
‘But what will happen when it is time to go back to school? She can’t keep staying at other people’s houses forever.’
‘I wish I knew, dear.’
We eventually made it back to Crawley at about 8.30pm having stopped for some dinner en route. It was just as well that Karen and Josie had done our laundry for us as Jenny and I were able to unload our suitcases and have an early night.
Things have been pretty dull here since we arrived last week, we don’t see a lot of Dad, and Mum is worried all the time that I might damage myself if I do anything remotely energetic. But I now feel much recovered from the operation, and the small scar is beginning to heal. I’ve been missing my friends, and wished that Karen, at least could come to stay. From what I hear the three of them have been having an interesting time teaching young Josie how to be a lady and I would have liked the opportunity to contribute to the project.
Last Sunday, Dad and I drove over to see his mother in Shrewsbury. To be honest, I would rather have gone shopping with Mum in Chester, but I guess I’m bound to make the effort as we are in the area, and she always gives me a twenty pound note as we are leaving. When we got back to Llangollen, Mum asked to have a word with me in my bedroom. Dad used this as an excuse to retreat into his study to catch up with his emails.
‘Denise, I’ve been talking to the mother of Josie (or should I say Joe) and Jennifer. I think you had better tell me the whole story and also how you came to be involved.’
’Oh dear, bang goes the prospect of me having any friends to stay,’ I thought.
‘The plan to substitute Josie in my place was nothing to do with me, as I was in hospital at the time. However, it clearly worked well since Josie won first prize in the competition.’
‘But you never told me when you asked me to loan your dress.’
‘I know but at that stage they were still not sure whether the plan would go ahead or not.’
You must have known when they came to our house after you’d had your operation.’
‘I know, but I thought it was a one-off and so didn’t bother mentioning it to you. It was only afterwards, when she came to visit a second time and I saw how much she was enjoying herself that I really became involved. I wanted to help her come to terms with her transgenderism before she starts puberty.’
‘What other people decide to do with their lives is not your business.’
‘But I didn’t want her to leave it too late before making a decision about her future. You know how difficult it has been for Helen, and how much she now wishes that she had started her transition earlier.’
(Helen was my cousin, formerly named Richard.) Mum didn’t respond to that point as she knew that I was probably right. Instead or pursuing that avenue I attempted to change the focus of our conversation.
‘It was you who suggested that she should come and stay.’
‘But you didn’t tell me that ‘she’ was really a ‘he’. Surely you didn’t think you would be able to pass Josie off as a girl for ten days staying here without us suspecting something.’
‘Well neither you nor Dad appeared to have noticed anything unusual about her last week, and you even had her helping you in the kitchen for half an hour.’
Mum had to admit that I had a point there, but I didn’t want to rub it in whilst there was still a chance that she might come round.
‘Sorry Mum, but I was only trying to help her.’
‘I met Josie’s mother in Chester this afternoon, and she feels that Josie might be better away from Crawley for a while. I probably should have cancelled the invitation, but I didn’t and it now looks as if Josie and Karen will be coming to stay for a fortnight. They’ll be arriving on Tuesday.’
‘Really! That’s brilliant news, Mum,’ I said, scarcely able to believe what I was hearing.’
‘But you must promise me to be careful, and it doesn’t mean that you can start running around until you are fully fit once again.’
‘Yes, of course, Mum. I promise to take things easily’
‘I won’t be saying anything about Josie to your father as he has enough to worry about as it is, so you’d all three better watch what you say and do when he’s around.’
‘Yes, of course,’ I answered gravely.
‘Maybe you could also loan her a few more things of yours to wear as well whilst she’s here.’
‘Does that mean we can also go shopping in Chester?’
‘Maybe we can go, in a few days’ time, as long as your dad is free to take us there and collect us afterwards.’
No sooner had she left than I was on the phone to Karen who confirmed the arrangements and that they would be arriving for lunch in two days’ time.
It was quite exciting to see my friends again this morning, even if only two of them were going to stay. As soon as they’d arrived I invited the girls up to my bedroom where they were able to bring me up to date with everything that had gone on over the last week. Josie, in particular, seems to be looking better and gaining in confidence every time I see her. I understand that she has even been out on a foursome with Sue and a couple of guys they met at Southport. After half an hour we were called down to lunch where everyone had to be a little more careful with what they said. Dad did at least make the effort to talk to Karen and Josie, and they responded quite well.
The other three left us after lunch to continue their journey south, but before doing so Josie’s mum had a final word with Karen and Josie. As soon as we’d waved them goodbye, Mum asked the visitors and I to come upstairs to help sort out the spare room, but it also appeared that she wanted to have a few words with us without Dad being present.
‘OK girls, you are very welcome, and I hope you will have a good time in Llangollen, but remember that I am responsible for your welfare and so I’m relying on you all to behave sensibly,’ said Mum to the newcomers.
Karen and Josie both murmured their agreement.
‘And that goes for you as well, Denise,’ she added as an afterthought as she’d noticed me rolling my eyes in the background, as she spoke.
‘As for you, young lady,’ she said, addressing Josie, ‘I understand from your mother that you wish to be treated as a girl for the duration of your stay here.’
‘Yes please, Mrs Crawford,’ she replied, blushing a little.
‘Very well, that is alright by me, but I don’t intend to mention your situation to Denise’s father. From your looks and behaviour, I don’t think there should be much danger of your being found out so long as you are all sensible. However, you should realise that it would put me in a difficult position if you were to change your mind.’
‘Don’t worry, Mrs Crawford, I have no intention of changing my mind whilst I’m here. In any event none of the clothes that I have brought with me would be suitable for a boy to wear,’ said Josie.
‘Good, in that case it can be our little secret between the four of us.’
Once we had sorted out the sleeping arrangements I took Karen and Josie for a look around the sights of Llangollen, which occupied us for all of three quarters of an hour. Eventually we stood on the bridge between the two sides of the town looking at the rapids, and also a steam train that was about to leave the station.
‘So what do you think of the place?’ I asked.
‘It is a nice looking town,’ said Karen. ‘What is the local talent like?’
‘I’m afraid there isn’t much, but we get a fair number of visitors this time of the year, and there is a Youth Hostel a couple of miles up the road, so the place is not without its masculine attractions.’
‘I don’t think that your Mum would be happy if we started hanging out with boys,’ said Josie.
‘Mum doesn’t have to know everything, even in a small town like this,’ I said.
On balance, I felt it was probably a good idea for Karen and Josie to stay with Denise’s parents in Llangollen, rather than come back to Crawley, at least for the time being. Karen also professed herself to be happy with the arrangement. I just hope the girls behave sensibly when they’re away and that Josie doesn’t get over-confident with her new identity and start taking risks. I was also relieved to learn that Alice now knows about Josie’s situation as it means that there need be no awkwardness on my part if we should speak on the phone.
Carol returned with her daughter Jenny and my daughter Sue last night. There was some debate between the two girls as to where they wished to stay over the next few days since my home in Three Bridges was most convenient for getting in to town and meeting most of their girlfriends, but Carol’s house at Rusper was more convenient for seeing the two lads that they’d recently become friendly with. In the end they decided to stay with me last night but to make their way over to Rusper this afternoon as they planned to meet up with the two lads. I suspect they will be dividing their time between both houses over the next fortnight.
‘How did things go?’ I asked Carol once the girls had both disappeared upstairs.’
‘Jean, I need to have a long talk to someone. I don’t suppose you would like to come to dinner at my place tomorrow night?’
‘I would be happy to, but there aren’t too many buses from Rusper at night .’
‘Don’t worry about that, it seems that I will need to give the girls a lift back as well. If you were able to come over after your salon closes, we could have a couple of hours to ourselves for me to tell you what happened.'
As arranged, I took the bus over to her place after work today.
‘It looks as if we are all partly to blame for encouraging Joe to fill in for Denise,’ I said after Carol related her conversation with her younger daughter.
‘I don’t think it is a question of blame. Whatever was there in his character was merely lying dormant and would have emerged sometime. In any event, from what I have seen and heard recently, I’m sure that she is far happier as Josie than he ever was as Joe. I’m sure that this isn’t just a passing phase.’
‘So Josie has admitted to you that she wants to live as a girl,
‘Yes, she also says she wants to begin taking female hormones.’
‘That sounds a bit drastic for someone of her age.’
‘Apparently ‘her age’ is the ideal time to begin the transition; before puberty sets in with a vengeance and makes the whole process that much more difficult.’
‘But what if she should change her mind?’
‘I get the impression that she is quite serious about it. She seems to have done a lot of background research on the subject over the last few weeks and has even sent off for a book designed for the parents of transgendered teenagers.’
‘So what are you going to do about it?’ I asked.
‘Everything I’ve read says that it is pointless, and indeed counter-productive to try and stand in the way once someone has made up their mind. So whilst I was in Southport I made an appointment with our local GP and have been to see her this afternoon. I explained the situation and she wants to see Josie as soon as she gets back from Llangollen. I also told her that Josie is frightened to come home to Rusper in her new identity and that we are all worried about what to do once the schools open again in September. My GP has referred me to a child psychologist in London to see if we can have an appointment before Josie is due to go back to school. The only problem is what is going to happen to her when she gets back from Llangollen the week after next,’ she answered.
‘As I have said before, Josie and Jenny would be welcome to stay with me and my girls for the last two weeks of the summer holidays. Josie, in particular, has been so helpful to me and could continue to be so. Of course that doesn’t solve your long term problem, but it would at least give you a little more breathing space, to sort out a more permanent solution,’ said Jean.
‘The girls do seem to get on well together and enjoy one another’s company and don’t appear to find her presence an embarrassment?’ continued Carol.
’Why should they?’ I asked.
‘I was a little anxious at first that she might attract any unwanted attention by her looks or her behaviour, but from what I’ve seen she looks and acts just like any other girl,’ said Carol.
‘I agree. So why not let them both stay with me for a while?’
‘I wish I could repay you, Jean, by having the twins stay with me for part of that time but Josie is currently frightened of coming home dressed as a girl. However, if you are really willing for them to stay with you during the week, I would try and find ways of taking all four of them away on trips each weekend, just to give you a break from having four teenage girls around the house.’
‘That sounds an acceptable deal to me,’ I said. ‘I've been pretty busy in the salon recently and so I was wondering how I would get the time to give my girls a holiday this year.’
‘It will also give me a little time to talk with that child psychologist and make plans for the future,’ said Carol.
Sue and Jenny came in at that point having been out together. Jenny didn’t look at all happy.
‘I suppose you have both been discussing my sister again,’ she said sourly, when she saw us.
‘We’ll need to get something sorted out soon, for Josie’s sake,’ said her mother.
‘Josie’s the only person that anyone is concerned about in this house. Nobody worries about how I might feel; about how embarrassing it will be for me if my former brother starts going to school in a dress.’
‘We must all stick together as a family. Surely you wouldn’t like to see your brother as unhappy as he used to be?’ said Carol.
‘All I want is to come from a normal family, with a normal brother, not some circus freak.’
‘Don’t you dare speak about Josie in that way. I’ll want a word with you later young lady. Now go to your room,’ said Carol growing red in the face.
However, before her mother had even finished talking Jenny had stomped off upstairs and slammed her bedroom door. Carol looked surprised, embarrassed and deeply upset by her elder daughter’s reaction.
‘Where did that come from?’ she asked.
‘I think it may be Jenny’s new boyfriend talking. He’s very good looking, but in other respects a bit of a Neanderthal. I know that she was planning to raise the issue of transgender with him tonight, just to see how he reacted. I suspect that he told her how much he hates ‘freaks and queers,’ said Sue.
‘Some boyfriend!’ I said. ‘What is it that gets into some young men that makes them so intolerant of anything which might question their masculinity? What are they so afraid of?’
Sue shrugged her shoulders: ‘I guess this means that Jenny won’t be coming to stay at our place tonight.’
‘No, I’m afraid not. She’s grounded until I can put her straight about some things, but I’ll give you and your mother a lift home.’
‘That all I needed,’ said Carol, turning to me. 'Just when I start to try and sort out one problem, up comes another. Whoever would be a mother?’
‘You must expect some trauma, Carol, it will be quite an adjustment for them both to make, quite apart from facing the ignorance and intolerance of others,’ I said.
‘I’m sure that Jenny will be alright again in the morning, once she’s had a chance to think about what she’s just said,’ continued Sue.
‘I sincerely hope so, otherwise we are all in for some stormy weather in the weeks to come,’ replied Carol.
‘How would you and Karen feel if Josie decided that she no longer wants to be a boy and stayed at your house for a couple of weeks?’ I asked.
Sue shrugged her shoulders as if was no big deal.
‘Karen seems to get on really well with Josie. As far as I’m concerned, if Josie wants to be treated as a girl, then that’s alright by me, so long as it is understood that there are no topics which are off limits. If we want to compare notes on boyfriends, she will have to be prepared to join in,’ she said.
‘I think she realises that, she just wants to be treated as one of the gang,’ said Carol.
Sue thought for a moment.
‘Aunt Carol, did we cause this all to happen, by inviting Joe to join in our competition entry?’
‘No, I don’t think so,’ said Carol ‘You just provided an opportunity which enabled Joe to discover something that was lying dormant in his character. I believe he always was unsure about his gender and sexuality but was never willing to admit it to himself. What do you think Jean?’
‘From what I’ve seen over the last few weeks, I’m sure that you are right,’ I replied.
The three days since I arrived in Llangollen have been good fun and I’ve felt that I could at last relax and be the person that I was always meant to be, without having to worry that I might bump into somebody from my former life who would immediately recognise me and want to pour scorn upon me. Denise and Karen have both been great to me, and treated me as they would any other of their friends, without reference to my past gender. This is exactly what I wanted from them. We are constantly in an out of one another’s bedrooms borrowing jewellery or cosmetics or else helping one another with our hair, and I’ve learned a lot. Neither of them appear to give a second thought to getting changed in front of me and expect me to do the same with them.
Denise’s mother was a little wary of me at first, but once I started to offer to help her with the preparation of meals, or else clearing up after them, she seemed to relax. They have a cleaner at their house in Ifield, but I get the impression that she doesn’t get a lot of help from either her husband or her daughter when they are away on holiday. Both Karen and I are used to having to help around the house as we come from single parent households. So Mrs Crawford is quite happy to have the two of us setting a good example to her daughter. I think Denise’s father was a little bit overawed by the idea of having to share a house with four females and so he tends to go out to play golf with his friends or else stay in his study doing work. Then of course he disappeared for his big meeting in Crawley early yesterday morning, and won’t be back until late tonight. As a result I have not felt in any danger of being unmasked or treated with disrespect.
Denise seems to have decided to act as my official wardrobe advisor and is constantly making helpful suggestions as to what I should wear and what makeup and accessories I need to go with them. As a result I’ve compiled a sizable shopping list of things that I am going to need.
‘You still have a lot to learn, Josie, if you are going to make the best of yourself, before you get too old for it to make a difference,’ she said.
‘Jenny accused me of dressing like a ‘Princess Barbie,’ all the time,’ I admitted.
‘She’s only jealous because you won that competition, but maybe I did go over the top by giving you only girly girl clothes,’ said Denise, ‘I’m sure there are some others of mine I can let you have.’
‘Denise, I can’t keep borrowing your clothes all the time, I need to get some for myself. I do have some money saved.’
‘Don’t worry, Mum has promised to take us all in to Chester on Saturday and so we will be able to help you to do some shopping then, if you like, but in the meanwhile you are going to need some more trousers for everyday wear around the town. You will do me a favour by taking them off my hands.’
‘Well, if you’re sure you don’t mind.’
Denise’s mother vetoed our undertaking any of the more energetic local pursuits, such as climbing up to ruins of Castell Dinas Bran or walking the Horseshoe Pass, for the time being until her daughter was a little more recovered from the operation. Instead she offered to pay for the three of us either to take a boat trip over the Pontcysyllte aqueduct or else to take a trip on the steam railway towards Corwen.
‘I can’t say that steam engines are exactly my cup of tea — they seem dirty and noisy compared to the trains of today,’ said Karen.
‘I suppose they do give you an idea of what life was like to live in olden times,’ I suggested.
‘They do have the advantage of attracting younger guys though, and usually provide a good opportunity for some local talent spotting. It tends to be the crusties who go on the far more quiet and gentle boat trip over the aqueduct,’ said Denise.
Karen and I accepted that Denise would probably know best on the subject of talent spotting and we therefore made our way to the station. It wasn’t too long before we were chatting to three German guys of our age who were on a cycling holiday with their parents and were staying in the local Youth Hostel. By the end of the trip we’d even arranged to meet up with them after lunch, to have a look around the town together. They were good fun to be with but unfortunately their family was scheduled to move on the following day and had booked their accommodation so it was never going to be anything more than one of those passing acquaintanceships.
‘Mum, would it be alright if we skipped dinner tonight and had a pizza out instead?’ asked Denise on the phone. ‘We have met up with three lads, but they have to leave for Lake Bala in the morning.’
‘How old are these lads?’ I heard her mother ask.
‘Fifteen to eighteen, but don’t worry, we’ll all be home by 10.30.’
‘Make sure you are, and be careful for Josie’s sake.’
Thus having secured permission from our respective parents or guardians, the six of us went to order a pizza and sat round a large table. As we were sitting down I heard a bleep notifying me that a text message had been received. I quickly noted that it was from Jenny and was quite relieved since I’d previously had the impression that I might have upset her without realising it. (I’d tried to ring her a couple of times during the course of the day but on each occasion my call went straight to voice mail, so I’d sent her a couple of jokey text messages, asking her how things were going.) It would appear rude to be reading text messages in front of our new friends, so I decided to take a trip to the Ladies. Denise decided that she needed to go as well.
Once I was in the cubicle I opened the message from my sister: it made me feel cold inside.
‘Leave me alone — you freak!’
I realised that my becoming Josie would inevitably give rise to some abuse and hostility towards me particularly once I’d returned from holiday — but I’d no idea that it would start so quickly or that it would begin with my own sister!
‘Is everything ok Josie?’ asked Denise as I was washing my hands.
‘Fine thanks,’ I replied feeling so upset that I couldn’t bring myself to show the message to either of my friends.
’I don’t care what she thinks about me, I am what I am, and I’m going to do what is right for me,’ I thought.
Denise and I returned to our seats.
‘Is all good with you, Josie?’ asked Hans, the youngest of the three lads, who seemed to have taken an interest in me, ‘You seem to have gone a little pale.’
‘I’m alright thanks - just girls’ stuff,’ I said, accidentally touching his leg with my own as I sat down next to him.
For a second he moved his leg away but then it slowly returned to its original position. I moved my foot so that it touched his.
‘I’ll show her who’s a freak.’ I thought to myself.
****
‘You seemed to be getting on well with Hans, when we went for that walk by the river,’ said Karen as we were getting ready for bed that night. ‘At one point I thought you were in danger of swallowing one another’s tongues.’
‘Hans was probably the right name for him: ‘wandering hands’!’ I chuckled. ‘I’m glad that I was wearing a pair of Denise’s jeans rather than a short skirt.'
‘Hmm,’ said Karen in a tone that implied mild disapproval.
‘Denise and Karl were getting quite passionate as well,’ I replied, now feeling a little embarrassed by my actions. ‘They were a randy bunch, but a good laugh, all the same.’
Karen took both my hands, and I knew that she was going to tell me off, albeit in a gentle way.
‘I suppose so, but please be careful another time though. Remember that you’re still under age, even if you do look older since you’ve begun dressing as a girl.’
‘I'll be fifteen in just over a week’s time.’
‘Maybe but that is still under the age of consent and you could get both to yourself and any young man into trouble. Going out with boys can be good fun, but we girls, have to be able to stay in control of any situation.’
‘I know, Karen,’ I replied now realising that in my annoyance with Jenny, I’d allowed things to go a bit too far. ‘Please don’t mention this evening to your sister, I should hate it to get back to Jenny or to Mum.’
‘Don’t worry, Josie, your dirty little secret will be safe with me, but please take care another time.’
Yesterday was a little bit of an anti-climax after the excitement and upsets of Wednesday. During the afternoon we went to visit Plas Newydd, a museum created in the home of the ‘Ladies of Llangollen’. These were two aristocratic women from Ireland who scandalized their families and local society by refusing the marriages that had been arranged for them, falling in love with one another and eloping together in 1778. After several adventures they settled in this largish house in Llangollen and lived together for more than fifty years.
‘Apparently they became something of an aristocratic tourist attraction; rich and famous people would travel miles just to come and meet them,’ said Denise as we were examining a portrait of them, identically dressed in a mixture of male and female clothing, both wearing top hats. ‘Society at the time was fascinated by the idea that two women might want to live together in a form of civil marriage.’
‘What did the locals think?’ asked Karen.
‘I suppose they just shrugged their shoulders and let them get on with it,’ replied Denise.
‘At least they were able to live their lives as they wanted to do, and didn’t feel pressurized into fitting in to a mould that was against their nature,’ I said.
‘I think they had to sacrifice a life of wealth and luxury and all further contact with their families, in order to do so,’ said Denise.
‘They must have felt that the sacrifice was worth it,’ said Karen.
I also spoke to Mum on the phone, but I didn’t say anything about Jenny’s text message to me or our going out with the German lads. She also seemed a little cagey with me, but wanted to know what we’d been doing. Apparently, she has made an appointment for the two of us to see someone to discuss my future (in quotation marks), as soon as I get back from Wales. In some respects this is exactly what I want, as I am quite sure that there can be no going back now. Nevertheless the prospect is quite frightening.
Jenny’s outburst gave me plenty of food for thought as I drove back to Rusper on Wednesday night, after having taken Jean and her daughter home. My initial reaction was to have a row with her, there and then. What she had said was nasty and unacceptable. I’d always suspected that she always was more concerned about her and the twins taking part in that Convention than the welfare of her younger brother. If the whole thing had now developed in a way that was not to her liking, she must accept a share of the responsibility. Jenny can be quite outspoken at times, but I knew it was not ‘her time of the month’ on this occasion and so she wouldn’t be able to get away with using that as an excuse.
At the same time I could see that there would be difficulties to be encountered and adjustments to be made by Jenny if her brother decided that he wished to take permanent steps to become a young woman, as increasingly now seemed to be likely. After my recent researches among papers written by psychologists, endocrinologists, and gender theorists, I had stumbled upon a transgendered fiction site and had read some of the stories for a bit of light relief. Some of the stories that I read portrayed bullying at school and elsewhere in the community, but also families (especially mothers and sisters) who welcomed and embraced the idea of a son or brother transitioning. I realised that some of this was wishful thinking by the authors concerned and that real life would not be as straightforward. Life would not be easy for either of Josie or Jenny. They would need one another’s friendship and support, both now and also in later life. For that reason, if nothing else, I would not be able to let Jenny’s words and opinions go unchallenged.
There was no light on in Jenny’s bedroom when I got home and so I presumed that she must have gone straight to bed. I decided to do the same, and speak to her after we’d both had an opportunity to cool off. However, it was some time before I was able to get any sleep because of worrying about my two children and their future. Similarly, there was no sign of any movement from Jenny’s bedroom the following morning when I got up to go to work. I looked in to her room but she was still sleeping, and I guessed that, like me, she may have laid awake for much of the night. I didn’t then have time for a row with my daughter and so left a note for her on the kitchen table saying that I needed to have a talk with her when I got back from work, and that she was not (underlined) to make any arrangements to go out or to have any friends round during the course of the day. I’m sure that Susan would understand my reasons for imposing these sanctions.
During the course of the day I made an appointment for Josie and I to go to London to see the Psychologist recommended by my doctor, as soon as possible after she got back from Llangollen. The plan was to ascertain whether or not Josie was an appropriate client to attend a gender identity clinic in London. My GP had also discussed with me the possibility of prescribing her some puberty blocking drugs to delay the onset of any physical changes brought about by the testosterone in her body, pending any longer term decision. But she preferred to leave this decision to the specialist/.
Once I’d made the appointment I spoke on the phone to Alice to check how things were going at Llangollen.
‘Everything is fine, your daughter and Karen are a pleasure to have as house guests and have been keeping their room tidy and helping me around the house.’
‘That’s good to hear, and has there been any danger of her being identified?’ I asked.
‘Not as far as I’m aware, they were out for much of the day yesterday, but came back at the agreed time,’
‘What about your husband?’
‘I don’t think that George has noticed anything unusual about Josie or he would have mentioned it to me. In fact I keep forgetting about her origins and treat her as I would any other teenage girl.’
‘Thank you Alice, I am sure that that is exactly what she wants.’
I also tried to call Josie during the afternoon, but she said that they were just going round a museum and so couldn’t speak to me just then. I called again just before I left work and told her about our appointment. I asked what she’d been doing over the last couple of days. She seemed a little cagey with me, but assured me that all was well. I didn’t say anything about Jenny, and Josie never asked.
'We’ve been having a good time and will be going shopping in Chester on Saturday,’ she announced.
‘Enjoy yourself then, and don’t spend all of your money.’
‘But Mum, there is so much that I’m going to need as Josie whereas Joe will no longer need the computer upgrade that he’d been saving for.’
She sounded so confident and determined as she spoke that I didn’t feel able to contradict her.
‘Well it is your money, as long as you don’t expect me to bail you out afterwards.’
I arrived home last night to find a meal on the table and a somewhat chastened elder daughter awaiting my arrival. But I wasn’t going to let her off the hook quite so easily.
‘Well, Jennifer, what have you got to say for yourself?’ I asked.
She looked down at the floor.
‘I’m sorry for calling Josie a freak.’
‘So you should be; that was a horrible thing to say.’
‘I know. I shouldn’t have done so. I’ve already been told off by both of the twins.’
‘I’m glad to hear it. Does Josie know what you said about her?’
‘I guess so — she kept sending me text messages so I told her to leave me alone.’
‘I trust you didn’t use the same language to her.’
Jenny looked really ashamed and didn’t respond.
‘How did Josie react to your message.’
‘I don’t know. I have sent her another text message apologising and have tried to ring her but she now ignores my calls.’
‘I’m not surprised.’
‘I’ve had a real earful from Karen who told me that I was a selfish bitch and didn’t deserve to have a sister like Josie.’
‘How did she get to know about it?’
‘Sue told her. Sue also said that I was wrong to say what I did although she put it in more measured terms.’
‘Well at least you have some sensible friends.’
‘You’re going to have to find a way to make things up with your sister by the time she gets back.’
Jenny looked genuinely ashamed of herself.
‘I know.’
‘But what about this new boyfriend who says that he hates all freaks and queers? I don’t like the idea of you being friends with someone who is so bigoted and narrow minded.’
She sighed.
‘Mum, it isn’t just him, it’s what all the boys will say, and quite a few of the girls as well. It is what most of her classmates will say to Josie if she ever turned up at school dressed as a girl.’
‘But surely your school will have a policy for dealing with such situations.’
‘They have a policy that everyone should do their homework every night, but that doesn’t mean that everybody does it.’
‘Have there ever been any transgendered students at your school?’
‘Not as far as I know; or at least none that were obviously so, but there are plenty of stories in the press and on television so I know how people would react. I also know how they treat anyone who is even suspected of being gay.‘
‘Would Josie be subject to any physical harm?’ I asked.
‘Probably not; the teachers are on the lookout for physical bullying these days - at least on school premises, but people can be pretty vicious with their comments all the same. She would also have to be careful about going out on her own.’
‘But surely if you, the twins and Denise all supported her.’
‘Mum, we are in a different year from Josie, we take different classes. There would be nothing that any of us could do to stop it. Josie would be on her own. She must know that.’
‘So what do you think we should do?’
‘I think the only realistic answer would be for us to move to the other side of town where she could start in a new school where nobody knew her, and just hope that she would not be recognised.’
‘How would you react if we did that?’ I asked.
‘I already have a four mile journey into school; it wouldn’t make that much difference to me if it was up to four miles in the opposite direction.’
In some respects my talk depressed me regarding Josie’s prospects next September, but also gave me some food for thought.
Josie and I have been having a good time staying with Denise and her parents. We don’t see much of her Dad, but her mother is always very friendly. She is for ever offering me items of clothing that she no longer wears (as we are the same size). Some of them are really nice but I feel a little awkward in accepting them, although Josie seems quite happy to accept similar hand-me-downs from Denise. In fact Josie appears to have slotted so naturally into ‘girl mode’ that it is now difficult for me to think of her in any other way. The more time I spend with her, the more convinced I am that she is going to be very unhappy if and when she has to go back to being Joe once again. I tried to put myself in her position and wondered how I would feel if I’d been forced to live as a boy even though I knew in my heart that I was a girl. Yet at the same time I do wonder whether she has really thought through the implications of living as a girl full-time. Returning to her home as Josie would inevitably be surrounded with difficulties both for her and her family.
Denise agrees with me, as she confirmed yesterday morning whilst we were waiting for our young friend to emerge from the shower, where she was busy washing her hair.
‘You’re right to be concerned about Josie’s future, but for the time being there’s no reason why she shouldn’t continue to enjoy herself with us. As far as I’m aware there has been no occasion when anyone has been suspicious about her,’ she said.
‘What about your dad?’
‘Least of all Dad! The poor guy! I get the impression that he’s in awe of having three teenage girls around the place,’ she replied, chuckling.
‘You treat Josie like a life-sized doll by dressing her up and offering her encouragement and compliments about her appearance,’ I commented, half in jest.
‘I would remind you, Karen, that I wasn’t the one who asked her to model a dress for me in the first place, and then insisted that she took on the female role for a full week before entering the competition,’ she replied by way of justification. ‘I’ve now heard the full story of how she came to be Josie from her lips.’
‘I suppose you’re right, and I do feel a little bit responsible but at the time she didn’t need much persuasion,’ I replied. ‘Also I’d no idea then that once she became Josie, she wouldn’t want to go back to being Joe again.
‘Yes, she does rather ‘lap up’ any opportunities we provide to enhance her ‘girlyness’, but why not? Why shouldn’t she spend her time as a girl and enjoy the things that the rest of us take for granted without any need to worry about being recognised.’
‘As long as she doesn’t get too carried away with her new identity,’ I replied, ‘I was getting a little anxious with those German lads last night.’
‘Come on Karen, we were only having a little fun, and the guys have now left town. We’ll probably never see them again.’
I was about to respond but at that point as the subject of our discussion appeared in the bedroom dressed in her negligee and with her hair wrapped in a towel.
‘How long will these hair extensions last, Karen?’ she asked.
‘Mum said that they should be good for at least six weeks, which will last you until the end of August if you want to hang on to them.’
I don’t think any of us had really thought too carefully about what was going to happen to Josie by the time those hair extensions needed to be taken out or replaced.
I’d been the first to get up and have a shower and so was the only one of the three of us who was then dressed and ready to go out. I therefore left my two friends in their respective bedrooms and went downstairs to make a phone call to my sister as she’d sent me a text message last night asking me to ring her when I was on my own and had a chance to do so. She proceeded to give me an account of the previous evening and Jenny’s comment about her younger sister.
‘So Jenny referred to Josie ‘a freak’, that’s a bit rich given that she was just as keen as the rest of us for her to go in for that competition.’
‘I think that Jenny is finding the whole idea of having a new ‘sister’ a bit of an embarrassment especially so once Andy, finds out.’
‘Who’s Andy?’
‘Her new boyfriend, he’s six foot one and fluent in ‘Neanderthal’. But, I wonder whether there might be a small element of jealousy involved as well.’
‘Why would Jenny be jealous of Josie?’ I asked ‘No matter how successfully she makes the transition, she will always have to face a degree of embarrassment and hostility in her life.’
‘I doubt whether Jenny is looking that far ahead,’ replied Sue. ‘Josie has been receiving a lot of attention from us all recently, and she did look so lovely when she won the competition a fortnight ago. Then of course she and I got invited out in Southport and the two of you were invited to stay at Llangollen. Perhaps Jenny feels that she is being pushed out of the limelight by her younger sister?’
‘Maybe, but that’s not an excuse for her being such a bitch towards her. Josie will find life difficult enough without her own sister turning on her. I’m going to have a few words with her and tell her what I think of her.’
‘I’ll do the same. Perhaps if we both express our disapproval to her she may change her mind.’
There was still no sign of either Denise or Josie emerging from their bedrooms and Denise’s mother had gone out so I took the opportunity of ringing the elder Miss Stevenson to tell her what I thought about her and her bitchy comments.
‘You were way out of order, Jenny. You had no reason to be so unkind, particularly as your sister has never done you any harm, and shared her prize money with us all.’
‘She may not have done me any harm as yet, but she will be a huge source of embarrassment once she does return home.’
‘That’s all you’re concerned about, how will her behaviour impact on you, and your social life. You’re not concerned about she might be feeling.’
‘For heaven’s sake, Karen, she’s not a she, she’s a ‘he’, and she’s not my sister but my brother,’ Jenny replied sulkily.
’From what I’ve seen over the last three weeks, I don’t think that you’ll be able to sustain that position, no matter how much you want to bury your head in the sand. Either you accept Josie as a sister or else you may find yourself losing both her and also a number of your other friends as well.’
‘That will happen whatever I do. Once you return to Sussex, Joe or Josie will be the laughing stock of the school and the object of every bully and pervert around. It won’t be much fun for anyone who has anything to do with ‘him, her or it.’
’I think you’d better start showing your sister a little more respect. Like the rest of us, you were partly responsible for Josie’s present situation. You were happy enough for her to play at being a girl when it suited you,’ I said.
‘I know, but I never realised that he wouldn’t want to go back to being a boy afterwards.'
‘I don’t think any of us did, but she was our protégé and as such we are all responsible for ensuring that she comes to no harm.’
Jenny sighed.
‘Of course I don’t want her to come to any harm, and if she wants to live as a girl I suppose it is up to her, but I just wish that she didn’t involve me.’
‘You can’t help that. She is your sister, after all.’
I know that I was wrong, but I was in a bad mood due to something that Andy said. He made some joke about ‘freaks’ and then I suddenly realised that he was talking about people like my brother or my sister or whatever.’
‘Andy may be fun to go out with for a week or two, but you’ll have your sister for the rest of your life.’
‘I know, and I feel ashamed of myself now. I’ve tried to ring Josie to apologise but she now blocks my calls.’
‘So Josie knows what you’ve called her?’
‘Yes, I sent her a text message last night,’ she replied guiltily. ‘But I sent her another message later on to say that I was sorry, although it wouldn’t surprise me if she now deletes my messages without reading them.’
‘In that case you had better find a way to make things up to her,’ I said.
‘Yes, I know.’
So Josie knew what her sister had called her. Maybe that explains why she let herself get a bit carried away with the German lad on Wednesday night?
I suppose that one of the compensations of having a sixteen year old daughter is that we get to go out shopping together from time to time. Also I am able to keep up with styles that I could no longer get away with wearing myself, and visit dress shops aimed at the younger woman. In an ideal world, I should have liked to have had two daughters and also perhaps later on a son, as well, but these things cannot always be planned and soon after Denise was born I discovered that there were going to be no more children. This is perhaps the main reason why I have tended to spoil her a little and find it difficult to deny her anything she asks for. I’ve therefore enjoyed having her two young friends to stay this week. In spite of my initial slight trepidations when I found out about Josie, I have found both of our visitors to be helpful, well-behaved and generally a good influence on my daughter. I was therefore quite looking forward to taking the three of them for a shopping trip to Chester this morning.
George (my husband) was pretty tired when he arrived back from his meeting in Crawley last night, having driven more than two hundred miles, so we decided that I would take the girls into Chester in the car and that he could take things easily and play some golf with his friends. He also announced that he had to be away again next weekend, but promised to be back in time to take the girls back to Crawley on Monday as we’d promised. He brought back a bag with some more of Karen’s clothes, which was just as well as neither of them had brought many clothes with them due to the last-minute change in plan. He also brought a greeting card addressed to Josie, apparently from her sister.
‘What’s the celebration, Josie?’ I asked as I handed it over to her last night. ‘Is it your birthday?’
She took a quick look at the handwriting on the envelope but didn’t attempt to open it.
‘My birthday is on the 20th August, the Saturday before we go back to Crawley,’ she replied.
‘That’s good news, perhaps we could organise a birthday cake for you before you leave.’
‘Thank you very much,’ she replied, but at the same time there seemed to be an element of sadness as she looked towards the future.
‘Girls, I’d like us to make an early start tomorrow. Parking in Chester can be a problem on Saturday mornings, and if we are not careful we’ll end up parking a long way from the shops.’
I needn’t have worried as all three were up, breakfasted and ready for our ‘girls day out,’ soon after 8.00am and so were able to park in the Garden Lane long stay car park by 9.00 am, just as the shops were beginning to open. This was the most convenient place for shoppers as it was near enough to the shops to enable us to return to the car to lock our purchases in the boot from time to time.
‘So what do we all need to buy, girls?’ I asked as we made our way to the shops.
‘Mum has given me some money to get myself a new dress for my birthday,’ announced Josie, without a moment’s hesitation. ‘I also have some money to get myself some shoes to go with it, as well.’
‘And I’m going to need to replace some of the clothes that I gave away,’ said Denise.
‘Just because there is a little space in your wardrobe now, doesn’t mean that it has to be filled,’ I replied.
‘Nature abhors a vacuum. I’m sure they told us that in physics.’
I felt a little sorry for Karen, who appeared to have limited funds compared to the others, but even she expressed the wish to get herself a new top
‘So where do we start?’ I asked.
‘Miss Selfridge in Northgate Street’ replied Denise.
By lunch time each of the girls had managed to choose something for themselves. I was pleased to see that Denise did not go headlong after choosing more clothes for herself, as I’d half expected, but was happy to help her friends find something suitable for themselves as well. Josie needed most advice as she’d had so much less experience in shopping for clothes than the others. After trying on half a dozen dresses, she was undecided between a sleeveless peach chiffon maxi dress with a shimmering foil top and drop back, which Denise was encouraging her to try on, or a more practical dark red Devoree ‘skater-style’ dress which she’d chosen for herself. Both of them suited her very well, but were for different kinds of occasion.
‘You look really stunning in that peach dress, Josie,’ said Karen as we looked at her in the long mirror outside the changing rooms.
Josie looked pleased, and her cheeks coloured a little.
‘Thanks, it is nice but I’m not sure when I would get an opportunity to wear it. It isn’t exactly the sort of thing that I could wear on the streets of Llangollen. I think I’d better go for the dark red.’
‘You should get whatever you feel most comfortable with,’ I said.
She left us to go back to the changing room. As she did so Denise turned to me.
‘Mum, Josie looked so nice in that peach dress, I don’t suppose we could get it for her as a surprise birthday present for next Saturday?’
‘I would have no objections but when is she going to wear it?’
‘Dad is now going to be away next Saturday, perhaps we could arrange a surprise birthday dinner party for her.’
‘I was intending to buy her a birthday cake, but what do you have in mind?’
‘Maybe we could all dress up in our posh frocks, and have a nice meal together. It would give Josie a chance to show off her birthday present, and would also be a farewell celebration for when Karen and Josie have to go back to Crawley.’
‘If we did do so you two would have to be willing to help me with all the preparations.’
‘I am sure we could do so, couldn’t we Karen?’
‘It’s a great idea but I haven’t brought anything formal to wear,’ said Karen, a little sadly.
‘You and I are about the same size, Karen, I’m sure I could loan you something of mine to wear if you have no objections.’
‘Alright then.’
‘So how will we be able to keep the purchase a secret from Josie?’ asked Denise, keeping an eye out for her return..
‘If you like, I’ll find an excuse to leave you for half an hour this afternoon. I can then pop back here to buy the dress then go and hide it under the back seat of the car before joining you again,’ I said.
‘We’ll then have to work out how we can prepare for the party next Saturday without her finding out,’ said Denise.
Josie returned and went ahead and took the dark red dress to the cash desk.
‘Strictly speaking it’s going to be for my birthday, but I’m sure that Mum won’t mind if I wear it tomorrow. I can email her a photograph of me wearing it,’ she said.
‘We’ll have to find you some shoes to go with it, as well,’ said Denise.
‘Let’s all have some lunch first, and then I’ll probably leave you to find Josie’s shoes yourselves as I have a few things to buy in the hardware shop which won’t interest you.’ I said.
By the time we got back to Llangollen that evening everyone had bought everything that they had wanted, and we were all feeling pretty tired.
‘Girls, I don’t feel like cooking this evening. Would you mind going to the Indian Takeaway in Holyhead Road, to get something for us all?’ I said. ‘In the meanwhile I’ll unload the car and sort out all the parcels.’
That’s so typical of my life. It is my so-called brother that has been acting ‘weird’ but it is me that gets branded as the family pariah. As a result, there has been no further talk from Mum about her taking Sue and me away somewhere this weekend and I dared not raise the topic. Maybe I shouldn’t have used the ‘f word’ when referring to him, (or her? or it?) but I was only trying to bring home to everyone that there would be consequences if they all continue to encourage Joe to pretend to be Josie: consequences for Joe/Josie, for our family, and, most importantly, for me and my street credibility. I tried to explain this to Mum during our talk on Thursday night, and I think she took in some of what I was saying, although she still hasn’t forgiven me for my outburst. I know she is worried about Joe or Josie’s future, and has been both surfing the internet and making long telephone calls to various specialists and also Aunt Jean. However, she was equally worried about Joe before any of this started, so she can’t exactly blame me and the twins.
However, I do now regret sending Josie that text message. It was a mean thing to do, although I was feeling particularly sore at the time. I’d just got back from seeing Andy, and had thought that I might just ‘test the water’ with him to see how he reacted to the idea of transgendered people. It turned out to be ten times worse than I’d imagined. He came out with both a diatribe and also a lot of stupid jokes about ‘freaks and queers’ which really brought it home to me what the others at school would think and say about Joe if he or she were to turn up dressed as Josie. I was angry with myself and felt that I should have stood up for my sibling but couldn’t very well do so without giving his secret away. It was in that context that I sent the offending text message. I have sent her a couple of texts since, apologising, but she hasn’t responded and she didn’t answer on the one occasion when I tried calling. I suppose that a text message is somewhat more permanent than cross words; it sits there and festers, and can be read over and over again. I got a real earful from Karen, over the phone on Friday morning, and even Sue was a little off with me when I spoke to her about it all afterwards.
By Friday Mum had lifted the sanctions on my daytime movements as she needed me to do some shopping for essentials in Crawley and had had no time to do so herself. I used the opportunity to buy a girly ‘I’m sorry’ card for Josie, as I still hadn’t heard from her and on sober reflection realised that I’d been in the wrong. Sue met me in town and promised to give the card to Denise’s father when he called to collect some more clothes for Karen before returning to Llangollen later that afternoon. I was therefore half hoping that I might hear from Josie once she’d received the card, but Sue later told me that Karen had been in touch with her and that they’d all been in Chester for the day with Denise and her mother.
I continued to play the dutiful daughter throughout Saturday and by lunch time Mum had forgiven my sins and things had calmed down at home and so I suggested to Sue that she might like to come over on the bus this morning and we could go out together to see if the lads were around.
We eventually found them in the park and soon paired up so that I got to talk to Andy alone. He is not exactly ‘Mr New Man,’ in fact he’s quite the opposite but he is by far the best looking guy that I’ve ever been out with. (The only trouble is that he also seems to know it.)
‘Hi Babes,’ he said bending down to kiss me on the cheek. ‘I’ve not seen you around for the last day or two.’
I know,’ I sighed. ‘I’ve had a few problems at home.’
‘Is it that nerdy little brother of yours?’
‘No, he’s away in Wales for a fortnight. I had a row with Mum.’
‘I do that with my mum all the time. I don’t know what gets in to her, sometimes,’ he responded.
We continued to walk, and he put his arm around me. It was a nice feeling, and I wished some of my classmates could see me.
‘Well here’s something to cheer you up. You know what we were talking about the other day?’
‘Go on,’ I replied suspiciously.
‘Well I heard a good joke the other day. How does the transvestite like to spend his Christmas?’
‘Can we talk about something else, Andy?’
‘Eat, drink and be Mary!’ he continued, ignoring my request.
‘Oh yes, very funny,’ I said in a flat voice which sought to convey exactly the opposite of what I’d just said.
‘Oh, didn’t you like that one? How about this one then? ‘How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?’
‘Andy, please ….’
But he wasn’t listening
‘Only one, but it takes the whole team of the emergency room to extract it safely afterwards.’
With that he creased up with laughter. I was now really annoyed with just about everybody: with my weird family, my friends who have turned against me, with Andy and his crassness, but, above all, with myself.
‘Andy that first joke wasn’t funny, and the second one was simply gross and unpleasant.’
He seemed to be surprised by my reaction.
‘What’s got in to you today Jen? You were laughing at my jokes on Wednesday night.
I sighed. He was right, and now I felt ashamed of having done so.
‘I know, Andy, but we are talking about real people with real feelings, not objects to be insulted and laughed at,’ I replied, by way of conciliation.
He looked at me as if I were mad.
‘No we’re not, we’re talking about queers and freaks — they aren’t real people like you and me.’
‘Andy, there are times when you’re a complete idiot,’ I said, with some feeling.
He clearly didn’t get it.
‘I don’t know what’s up with you today Jen. Is it your time of the month?’
What made it all so much worse was that he seemed genuinely surprised by my reaction.
‘Just get lost,’ I said, extricating myself from under his arm and hardly believing what I was saying or doing.
‘You’re not turning into a dyke are you?’ he said derisively as I went to leave.
‘No I’m not, but clearly you are turning into a total jerk.’
Once again he looked both surprised and hurt by the vehemence of my reaction.
‘No, I take that back. You’ve always been a jerk and by the looks of things you always will be one.’
With that I stomped off, leaving Sue to deal with two very puzzled looking young men.
‘Women!’ I heard Andy say in an exasperated voice as I was leaving.
‘So now everybody hates me,’ I thought to myself as I returned home, with tears in my eyes.
However, Sue returned after about an hour, and once I’d told her the whole story she agreed that Andy had been a jerk and that I was probably better off without him.
The main difficulty encountered when two sets of friends pair off with one another is: what happens when one of the couples breaks up? Do you side with your girlfriend, whom you’ve known for years, or with your new boyfriend and his friend? Perhaps you might try to negotiate between the warring couple to see if there is a way to bring them together once again? However, in this instance, I didn’t feel particularly inclined to arbitrate between Jenny and Andy, and told her that she was probably better off without him. I had been a little envious at first when he took a shine to her rather than me, as he was better looking than his friend Frank. However, it didn’t take too long to discover that Andy is a conceited idiot, whereas Frank is both considerate and also quite good fun to go out with. I was saying as much to my sister as we discussed the row between them on the phone last night.
‘Why is it that so many good looking boys tend to become conceited idiots, and so many nice guys have jerks for their friends?’ I asked.
‘Don’t ask me! The workings of the male brain are way beyond my comprehension,’ Karen replied.
‘When Jenny told me what had been said between them both last Wednesday and also this afternoon, I realised there could be no going back for her; at least not if she wanted to remain on speaking terms with the rest of her friends and family,’ I continued.
‘I’m glad! He wasn’t a good influence on her and I wouldn’t have forgiven her if she were to upset Josie again.’
‘Has Josie said anything more to you about last Wednesday or that text message that Sue sent her?’
‘No. She hasn’t said a word about it to either of us. It’s as if she no longer has a sister.’
‘Calling her a freak will be as nothing compared to some of the jibes and insults she’ll doubtless receive in the future.’
‘I know, but it must be that much worse when it comes from your own sister.’
I sighed, feeling a little bit sorry for both of them.
’Whatever did we start when we persuaded Josie to join our little singing and dancing group?’ I thought to myself, feeling a little guilty, but didn’t spell it out.
‘So what else has been happening at Llangollen?’ I asked in order to change the subject.
‘Nothing much. We’ve been out a few times and we all went shopping in Chester yesterday. By the way, Denise and her mother have secretly bought Josie a long dress as a birthday present. You mustn’t say anything about it though as we’re planning to organise a surprise dinner party for her next Saturday evening.’
‘How are you going to keep it as a surprise for Josie?’
Karen chuckled.
‘It has all been carefully planned. First of all Denise’s mother announced that she will be entertaining some family friends in Llangollen for a dinner party this coming Saturday and that we were invited to come. Denise then protested loudly that her mother’s friends were really boring and it wouldn’t be fair to inflict their company on Josie on her birthday. She asked if the three of us could go out to have a pizza instead. Denise’s mother then said that we could only go out if we were willing to help her with the preparations for her meal before we left. Josie, in her innocence then piped up and said that of course she would be happy to help, and so I agreed to do so as well.’
‘So the three of you will be helping to get things ready, but Josie won’t realise that the arrangements are really for her benefit,’ I said.
‘Or that she will have a lovely new frock to change into for the evening.’
‘So what are you going to wear, Karen?’
‘Denise’s mother has offered to loan me one of her long dresses for the evening. She has some lovely clothes.’
‘I would love to see Josie’s face when she finds out,’ I said.
‘I know, but please be careful not to give the game away if you should talk to her.’
‘Don’t worry. Josie and I exchange text messages from time to time but we don’t really talk on the phone too much as it is quite expensive.’
‘OK but don’t say anything about in a text message.’
‘I promise not to mention it. By the way, will it be alright if I tell Jenny about your plans? I think that she is genuinely sorry for what she said to Josie.’
‘So she should be,’ was Karen’s decisive reply, but after moment she relented.
‘Alright you can tell her, if you like, but also warn her that we’ll never talk to her again if she tells Josie.’
‘That’s not very likely, at the moment since they’re not even speaking to one another.’
I called in to have lunch with Jenny before I was due to meet up with Frank later this afternoon. She’d been busy doing the housework, still trying to redeem herself in her mother’s eyes.
‘So how were things between you and your Mum over the weekend?’ I asked.
‘I think they’re gradually getting a little better. She was pleased to hear that I’d broken up with Andy. If things continue to thaw at the present rate she may even offer to take us both away for the coming weekend, if you are still interested, and not planning on doing anything with Frank.’
‘We’re not yet at the stage of living in one anothers’ pockets. Where do you have in mind to go?’
Jenny shrugged.
‘I don’t know really — we could go to London, or do you have any suggestions?’
‘I don’t suppose you mother would be willing to drive us to Llangollen for the weekend?’
‘But that is two hundred miles away! It would take at least four hours to get there.’
I explained to Jenny about the plans to hold a surprise birthday party for Josie.
‘It would be even more of a surprise for her if we turned up as well,’ I suggested. ‘We would have to find somewhere to stay on the Saturday night, but the whole trip would probably work out no more expensive than staying in a London hotel.’
Jenny thought for a while and didn’t seem to be against the idea.
‘You never know, but we might even be able to persuade my mum to come along as well,’ I added.
‘Of course we’d need to clear it with Denise and her mother first, we can’t just invite ourselves to their dinner party,’ said Jenny.
‘I’ll talk to Karen and see what she thinks. She seems to get on quite well with Denise’s mother. The main thing is to keep it a secret from Josie.’
I made the call and Karen promised to discuss our suggestion with Denise and her mother. She rang me on the landline just before I went to bed this evening.
‘Sorry that it has taken me some time to come back to you Sue, but this is the first opportunity I’ve had, without there being a danger that Josie might overhear.’
‘Where is she now?’
‘Don’t worry she’s upstairs taking her shower.’
‘So what is the verdict?’ I asked.
‘Denise and her mother said they would love you all to come. There will be plenty of room for you at the dinner party and they know a nearby bed and breakfast which has vacancies for next Saturday night if Aunt Carol is willing to drive all that way. In fact both of Denise’s parents would be more than delighted as her Dad had to change his plans and is going to be away in the North on business. He was intending to drive all the way back to Llangollen and then on to Crawley, so he could keep his promise to take us home on Monday. However, if Jenny and Josie’s Mum came in the six-seater we could all go home together on Sunday night and save him that extra journey.
‘Alright, I’ll now call Jenny so that she can talk to her mother. If Aunt Carol is agreeable I’ll also ask Mum if she would like to come as well, and then let you know what is happening tomorrow evening.’
Perhaps Josie and I did get a little bit carried away with snogging those German lads last week, but it was only a bit of fun; they were leaving town in the morning and there was no harm done. Karen did eventually have a word with me when Josie was out of earshot and suggested that we ought to take more care of her next time and be a little more sensible where boys were concerned. After all, she is younger than she looks as a girl and would also be in a difficult and slightly precarious situation if someone were to discover her identity and make a fuss. The last thing we want to do is to create a scandal whilst she’s staying with us. Karen also told me what Jennifer had said about her, both in front of her mother and Sue, and also in a text message sent to Josie herself.
‘The poor kid. It must have been very upsetting to have her own sister turn on her like that,’ I said.
‘As we both know, Jen can be rather outspoken at times. She sometimes opens her mouth before she engages her brain. She probably didn’t mean to be quite so hurtful, but that’s not an excuse,’ said Karen.
‘All Josie wants is to be treated as a girl, and she certainly looks and acts like one these days. Why can’t people just accept her for what she is?’
Karen shrugged her shoulders.
‘I don’t know, she’s not doing any harm to any one.’
Josie joined us soon afterwards and so we had to move on to other topics of conversation. However, I continued to feel sorry for our young friend and that was the main reason why I persuaded Mum to organise a special celebration for her birthday next weekend. There would be at least one more occasion when she can be treated as a ‘special girl,’ without any danger of being criticised or insulted, before she returns to Crawley. She will then have to face the real world again, either as a very unhappy young man, or else as an openly transgendered girl, and all the difficulties that will entail. I knew that Mum would be happy to go along with my plan, as long as we promised to help her with the preparations — she likes any excuse to dress up and Dad doesn’t take her out as much these days and in any event would be away next weekend. The main difficulty would be in concocting a scheme where we all could help Mum, but Josie wouldn’t realise what it was for.
On the Sunday following our shopping trip, Josie wore her new dark red dress together with the sandals that we’d chosen for her in Chester. and we put a photograph up on her new Facebook page. She sent a link to her mother and to Sue.
‘Aren’t you going to send a link to your sister as well?’ I asked.
‘No, she told me that I was to leave her alone,’ she replied in a matter of fact way.
‘I’m sure that she didn’t really mean it,’ I said.
But by this time Josie had logged off and didn’t seem to be inclined to change her mind.
By Monday of this week, Mum had at last accepted that I was well enough to be able to undertake a country walk, as long as it was not too strenuous. Dad gave the three of us a lift as far as the golf club and then we walked on the old tow path the two miles or so to the Pontcysyllte Aqueduct, which has quite stunning views and is a World Heritage site. We stopped for a cup of coffee at the Pontcysyllte Basin where we got talking to two lads who were on holiday with their parents who were waiting their turn to take their hired barge over the aqueduct. The family offered us a lift on their barge over, which is really the only way to see it properly, as there are absolutely no railings on the canal side. Once we reached the far side we thanked them then walked back over the footpath side, and afterwards the four miles back in to town. The weather was fine and we all had a good laugh together.
‘See Josie, being a girl isn’t just about wearing dresses and makeup all the time; you can also have fun wearing trousers,’ said Karen.
‘Yes I know, girls get the best of both worlds. There is no way that the family would have offered us a lift on their barge if we’d been three boys. So that’s why I am so keen to remain a girl, if I can.’
I looked across at Karen, and she returned my glance. Neither of us was quite sure what to say in response. The safest thing seemed to be to change the subject.
‘If it is fine tomorrow we can get a bus out to Berwyn on the other side of town and then climb up to the Horseshoe Falls, which is really a weir serving the Llangollen Canal. It will be a little bit more strenuous than today, but it is well worth the trouble. The views are wonderful and there is somewhere called the Velvet Hill up there, which is aptly-named,’ I said.
‘That sounds fine, as long as you can manage the climb,’ said Karen.
During the course of our afternoon walk, Josie’s phone rang. She took one look at the caller display, frowned, and then pressed the busy signal. I suspected the call may have been from her sister and that she still didn’t feel inclined to talk to her. Thus it was a little bit awkward when Karen approached me last night with Sue’s suggestion that they should all come up for Josie’s party.
‘I’m sure that my Mum would be happy about it — as far as she is concerned, ‘the more the merrier’. Also I’m sure that Josie would welcome the presence of her mother and Sue at the dinner party, but how is she going to feel about Jenny being there as well?’ I asked.
‘I’m not sure, we can’t very well ask her what she thinks about it. But she’s not the type to create a ‘scene’ in front of everyone,’ said Karen.
‘Maybe, but Jennifer might?’ I said.
‘I don’t think so. According to Sue, Jenny is now somewhat chastened by recent events, and the two of them are going to have to make up at some point.’
‘Alright, in that case let’s put the idea to Mum, and see what she thinks,’ I said.
As expected, Mum turned out to be really enthusiastic about the idea and it was she who pointed out the other advantage of them all coming: that it would save my Dad an extra journey. So Karen agreed to get in touch with her sister, Then, this morning, we heard that Sue and Karen’s mother would be coming with them as well. So what was originally intended as a fairly intimate dinner for four ladies had grown to become one twice that size.
‘Girls, it looks as if my dinner party is now going to be for eight people, and Denise’s father won’t be around to help me, so I am definitely going to need your help on Saturday,’ announced Mum this evening over dinner
‘Mrs Crawford, I should like to suggest that if you decide on the menu and get the shopping, we three could take responsibility for preparing the meal and doing cooking for your guests and leave you to serve them when they arrive?’ suggested Josie.
‘Really? Would that include Denise as well?’ said Mum, clearly surprised by the offer as she knew that I’d never cooked so much as a boiled egg before.’
Mum looked at me, and I nodded.
‘Karen and I can both cook, and we can show Denise what to do,’ Josie continued enthusiastically.
‘In that case, thank you very much, girls. George and I will be going to the supermarket in Wrexham on Friday morning, before he leaves for the North. If I can leave the food preparation to you three on Saturday, I will have plenty of time for everything else that I need to do.’
It has been a busy summer in the salon so far and I’ve hardly had any time away apart from that one weekend in July for the girls’ convention. Thus, when Sue mentioned to me the plan to travel up to Llangollen for the weekend to give Josie a surprise birthday party, I made an effort to ensure that I would have enough staff available to cover for me. After all, it is nearly a fortnight since I’ve seen Karen, although of course we do keep in regular touch by phone. (I must admit that I was also quite looking forwards to seeing the next episode in the emerging soap opera involving Carol and her two children as well.) From the photographs put up on Facebook by both Karen and Josie, the girls appear to have been having a good time in North Wales and the local scenery does seem quite spectacular.
Carol and Jenny collected Sue and myself at 8.30 this morning and we were soon travelling on the M23 motorway heading for the London Orbital motorway, and then towards Birmingham and the north-west. Jenny and Sue were in the seats behind Carol and myself holding a desultory conversation, but Jenny appeared to be a lot more subdued than usual. I’d also noticed that she and Sue had not been spending as much time together as usual over the last week; no doubt due to Sue having a new boyfriend. I was therefore quite pleased that the pair of them would be spending the weekend away with one another.
Throughout the journey Sue was in regular contact with her sister via text messaging with each one was providing the other with a running commentary as to progress and what was happening.
‘Denise’s mother suggests that we should contact her as soon as we’ve arrive at the B&B. She will then come round and explain to us the arrangements for this evening. Apparently we’ll be staying round the corner from their holiday home.’
We had one stop for a toilet break and a cup of coffee at the Corley service area and arrived at our destination just before one o’clock — thanks largely to the help of the built-in SatNav in Carol’s new car. As soon as we had unloaded our cases and checked in to our bedrooms we contacted Alice, who joined us a few minutes afterwards. Then we all went out for a light lunch at a nearby café.
‘Karen, Denise and Josie will be busy doing the cooking for our meal tonight, although of course Josie still has no idea that she will also be eating it, or that you will be coming,’ she announced. ‘It will therefore be quite safe for you to have a look around town this afternoon, if you like. However, you will need to all be changed and ready by six thirty tonight if our plan is going to work without a hitch.’
‘What about a birthday cake for Josie?’ asked Carol.
‘I’ve already organised one with her name from the Cottage Bakery in Castle Street. It will be ready for collection any time this afternoon. Perhaps you could collect it for me and bring it with you when you come tonight.’
‘So what exactly are the arrangements for tonight?’ I asked
‘As soon as the girls have left the house to go for their pizza, I will contact you to come round to the house straight away. Once you have arrived, I will call Denise and point out that she has forgotten to take her purse with her to pay for the meal and suggest that they should come back to the house collect it. That’s when you can surprise Josie.’
All went to plan during the afternoon. We looked around the town and collected the cake, as requested. At four thirty we returned to our rooms to have a shower and get ourselves ready for the party. Jenny and Sue were sharing one twin room, and Carol and I another. The girls helped one another to get ready and they can both look lovely when they make the effort, as they did on this occasion. Thus, by the appointed time we were all four wearing our best dresses, and waiting for Alice’s phone call. It came five minutes later announcing that the coast was clear and that we should make our way to the house. Fortunately it was only a hundred yards or so away, just around the corner, as otherwise it would have been difficult to walk in our long dresses and high heels. Alice, dressed in her own finery, showed us in to the dining room and made the call to Denise. Ten minutes later we that we heard the front door open and the three girls return to the house. We’d each found a suitable hiding place: mine was just behind the dining room door, which had been left half open.
‘Denise, your purse is in the dining room on the sideboard,’ I heard Alice, say. ‘But please be quick before my guests arrive.’
‘Josie would you mind going in and collecting it for me, I just need to go for a pee,’ said Denise.
As soon as Josie entered the room, followed by Karen, Alice and then Denise herself we emerged from our respective hiding places, behind the door, the curtains and the sofa.
‘Surprise! Happy Birthday Josie!’
Josie looked both shocked but also very happy, having been completely taken in by our ruse. After various hugs and kisses and expressions of surprise and good wishes all round, Alice spoke to the assembled group.
‘Ladies, the meal should be ready to serve in just over half an hour from now so you three had better hurry up and get changed into something a little more formal,’ she said, addressing the new arrivals. ‘Josie, you will find that long dress that you liked is now hanging in your bedroom. Karen, I have laid out something nice for you to wear on my bed, and you are welcome to use my dressing table as well. Denise, you already know what you are going to wear tonight.’
‘I’ll help you to get ready if you like, Karen,’ said Sue.
‘Alright, thanks, sis.’
Jenny, who I noticed had been very much on the periphery during all the greetings and congratulations, now turned to her sister.
‘Would you like me to help you to get ready, Josie?’ she asked, tentatively.
Josie hesitated before answering.
‘Please!’ added Jenny in a quiet voice.
‘Alright then! I’ll show you where to go,’ she replied.
With that all of the girls disappeared upstairs to the various bedrooms and so that the three adults were able to enjoy a glass of sherry and have a chat together whilst we waited for them to get ready.
Forty minutes later, five very glamorous looking young ladies wearing long dresses joined the rest of us, and everyone helped to serve up and clear away the meal — everyone apart from the guest of honour — the birthday girl. At our insistence she sat at the head of the table and looked quite stunning in her new dress. Then, at the end of the meal, Alice brought in the birthday cake together with fifteen candles. It was one of those where the icing incorporated a photograph of her, which had been taken when she won the first prize at the costume convention, together with the words ‘Happy Birthday Josie’. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone look quite so happy as she did at that moment.
I was a little disappointed early yesterday morning that Mum didn’t ring me to wish me a happy birthday, but I supposed that I’d already had my present from her, and no doubt there would be a card in the post. Denise and Karen had both bought me a nice card and some skin care products, but Mrs Crawford seemed to have forgotten all about her offer to get me a birthday cake probably with all the commotion of organising her dinner party. Then, when the post did eventually arrive mid-morning, I was again disappointed to find that the only birthday card from Crawley was one from my sister. I was still pretty sore with Jenny, but she did seem to be making an effort to make amends. Normally she would have gone out of her way to find me a rude card, but this one was quite the opposite, and the wording (which she’d underlined) said that she was proud to have me as her sister, which I suppose was quite nice (if she really meant it). Perhaps it is now time for us to make up? Jenny’s card also contained a ‘Boots Gift Voucher’ so I would be able to buy myself some more cosmetics once I got back to Crawley (she wasn’t to know that there was no branch of the chemists in Llangollen.) Yet there was still no word from Mum. I even tried ringing her at home but got no answer, and she never answers her mobile phone when she’s driving. I therefore assumed that she’d been called away somewhere in connection with her work.
Consequently, l threw myself into the preparations for Mrs Crawford’s dinner party in order to overcome the slight sense of anti-climax that I felt. This turned out to be a lot of fun. Denise had never so much as peeled a potato before and so needed quite a lot of guidance from both Karen and myself, but she was willing to learn, and we had a lot of laughs together in the kitchen. The only thing that slightly irritated me was that Karen would keep stopping whatever she was doing to send and receive text messages from her sister. (My sister and I are currently incommunicado apart from the birthday card that is.)
By about six o’clock everything was prepared and either quietly cooking in the oven or else sitting in the refrigerator covered in cling film, waiting to be served to the guests when they arrived. The table was laid and so I suggested to the others that perhaps we three might get changed so that I could put on my new dress when we went out for our pizza meal, but for once they seemed determined that we should go as we were. Thus, about six thirty, we made our way in to town, only to be recalled a ten minutes later by Mrs Crawford since Denise had forgotten to take her purse. It was then that I discovered that I’d been the victim of an elaborate scheme involving everyone who knew me as Josie.
As soon as the welcomes were over, and I’d gotten over my surprise at seeing everyone once again, Mrs Crawford sent us away to get changed. Fortunately I’d washed my hair, de-fuzzed my arms and legs, checked that my boobs were still on securely and fixed my nails the night before, so I only needed to put on a new pair of tights and Jenny helped me to put on my new dress. I then sat at the dressing table where I began to put on some makeup whilst she brushed my hair and started pinning it up into a style. At first we didn’t say much to one another, but then I decided that it was probably up to me to break the awkward silence between us.
‘Thank you for the birthday card and the voucher,’ I said.
‘You’re welcome,’ she replied, then after a few seconds she added, ‘I like your dress, it suits you.’
‘Thank you, Denise and her mother got it for me.’
A few more seconds of silence ensued before Jenny let out a sigh.
‘I’m sorry, Josie. It was a horrible thing for me to say. I’ve felt guilty about it ever since. I would have told you before now, but you’ve been refusing to answer my calls.’
‘So now you don’t mind having a ‘freak’ for a brother?’ I said in a sarcastic voice.
‘Please don’t use that word — only fools use that word — and I admit that I have been a fool. Of course things are going to be difficult, for us both, once you get back to Crawley, especially so for you. However, I’m sure we can face it together. I would far rather have you as my sister than lose your friendship altogether.’
I turned to look her in the eyes. They seemed to be sincere.
‘Thank you,’ I said, touching her hand.
‘So am I forgiven?’
‘I guess so.’
She leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek; the first time I remember her doing that in years.
‘But that doesn’t mean to say that I’m not going to criticise your dress sense,’ she added. ‘That lipstick you are putting on doesn’t look right with the colour of your dress. Here, try this one,’ she said handing me one from out of her handbag.
She was right. I still had a lot to learn about being a girl.
We had a wonderful meal. The food was good (I should know I helped to cook it); the company was good, and I felt good about myself, dressed as I was among so many elegant ladies. Then, to cap it all, at the end of the meal, Denise’s mother appeared with my birthday cake and fifteen candles, and everyone sang ‘Happy Birthday.’ I was so happy that I started to cry.
‘Whatever is the matter, Josie?’ asked Mum.
‘You’ve all been so kind to me, and I feel so happy, but I cannot go back to being Joe, now. I can’t go back to being a boy again, and having to pretend that I’m something I’m not. I know things will be difficult when I get home and that people will laugh at me and abuse me in the village and at school, but I cannot go back to being Joe, not even for a day.’
Mum, who was sitting next to me, took my hand.
‘I know, dear. I’ve made an appointment for us to see a psychologist and specialist in gender issues. I’m also going to put our house on the market and we’ll be moving to the other side of town where nobody knows us. I’ve been to talk to the headmistress of the local secondary school there and she would be willing to admit you as a girl whilst you are undergoing your transition, so no-one else needs to know.’
‘But what about Jenny?’ I asked.
‘Jenny will continue at her present school, with her friends. It will mean a longer journey into school each day for her, but she’s willing to do so for your sake. I’m not saying that it is going to be easy for you, but at least you will be able to start afresh both at home and at school. I’m afraid that you won’t have any friends in your new school, to begin with, but you won’t have to deal with the harassment either.’
‘You will have some girlfriends outside of school though,’ said Karen. ‘Since we talked you into becoming Josie in the first place, the least we can do is to help you through your transition.’
‘In fact you’re welcome to stay with me and the twins for the remainder of the Summer holidays whilst your mother begins the necessary arrangements,’ said Jean.
‘Thank you everybody, you have all been very kind,’ I said.
‘Kindness doesn’t come into it, I’m hoping that you will be able to continue helping me with my automation,’ replied Jean.
Mrs Crawford had been whispering to Denise as this conversation was going on. She now began to speak.
‘Josie, I’ve been talking to your mother, and perhaps you could come and stay with us for a while once we get back to Crawley, until she is able to sell your existing house and buy another. That way you would never need to go back to your former home. I have to drive Denise in to her school each day, and it would be no great problem for me to take you on to yours afterwards. I would have to tell the full story to my husband, but between us, Denise and I should be able to talk him round, and we’ll have two weeks for him to get used to the idea before we see you again. In fact, he commented to me only yesterday that we had two very nice and sensible young ladies staying and what a good example they both were to Denise.’
Denise stuck her tongue out at me when she heard this, but I could see that she wasn’t unhappy with the idea.
‘What do you think, Mum?’ I asked.
‘Well it would certainly simplify matters all round if you didn’t have to come back to Rusper dressed as Josie.’
‘We would still be able to see you every weekend until we move house,’ added Jenny.
‘In that case, thank you very much for the offer, Mrs Crawford and also for this lovely dress.
‘You can stop calling me Mrs Crawford, Alice will do fine.’
‘There are a few more things that I’m going to need for Josie’s wardrobe, but I do still have some savings left.’
‘In that case we’ll all take you shopping for them as soon as we get back to Crawley, won’t we girls,’ said Sue, looking at Karen and Jenny, who both nodded.
‘Don’t spend it all as I’ll also want to take you shopping as well, when I get home,’ said Denise.
Our appointment was at 11.00am this morning. We arrived about ten minutes early and were shown into a waiting room. Jenny had helped her sister to achieve a more demure, younger look, wearing the pink skirt and white top that she’d bought when they went shopping with the twins in Crawley yesterday.
‘Are you feeling alright Josie?’ I asked.
‘I’m a little nervous and I’ll be relieved when it is all over, but I’m glad we’re here.’
‘Me too’ I said and squeezed her hand.
A nurse came out of the consulting room
‘Mr McLeod will see you now.’
We went in and were both invited to take a seat.
‘Ah yes, Mrs Stevenson you asked for an appointment concerning your .. er… son’.
There was just the slightest hesitation as the doctor turned to look at Josie, but then he smiled and turned to me once again.
‘So what can I do for you?’
‘This is my son Joseph, but as you can see she has expressed a wish to live and be treated as a girl.’
The doctor turned towards Josie.
‘How would you like me to address you?’
‘I would prefer to be known as Josephine or Josie please,’ she replied.
‘I presume that is fine with you, Mrs Stevenson.’
I nodded.
‘In that case I’ll refer to you as Josephine during our discussions, although I’ll have to note your original name and birth gender in my records.’
Josie nodded.
‘So, Josephine, how long have you felt this wish to live as a young woman?’ he asked.
‘I’ve been feeling unhappy and depressed for many months but it’s only about five weeks ago that I started to live as Josie. That seems to have lifted a black cloud from over me,’ she answered.
‘You are fifteen, what are your plans for the future?’ he asked.
‘I have no job ambitions, but the prospect of having to live as a boy really makes me feel ill. I want to stay as Josie if I can and live as a girl’.
‘Why don’t you like being a boy?’ he asked.
‘I don’t fit in with other boys at school and I’m not interested in the things that they are. On the other hand, I’ve had a wonderful time as Josie over the last five weeks.’
‘What sorts of things have you been doing as Josephine that you couldn’t do as Joseph?’
‘I entered a costume convention and won the first prize. I’ve also been learning all about clothes, hair styles and makeup, and meeting lots of my sister’s friends’.
‘So do you not like the company of boys?’ he asked.
‘I don’t mind them as individuals and it can be quite fun chatting to them, as long as they think I’m a girl, but I’ve never really got on well with groups of lads. Most of the time I prefer to be in the company of girls.’
‘Have you ever kissed a boy or touched one in an intimate way?’
Josie’s cheeks coloured and she looked at the floor.
‘I did once, but on reflection I realise it was wrong of me to let him do so. I only did it because I was annoyed with my sister.’
Mr McLeod wrote something down on a pad before continuing.
‘Five weeks living as a girl isn’t a very long time to make a decision that will probably affect the rest of your life, what if you were to change your mind once the novelty has worn off?’ he asked.
Josie looked a little disheartened.
‘I don’t think it will wear off, I’ve never felt so secure or content as I do now,’ she answered.
‘What does your father think about your living as Josie?’
‘He doesn’t know. He left home before I was born and I’ve never met him.’
‘Do you have any brothers or sisters?’
‘I have an older sister.’
‘How does she feel about Josephine?’
‘At first it was a little awkward for her but she has come to terms with it and now I think she prefers having me as Josie rather than Joe.’
I nodded by way of confirmation.
‘How will your friends react to your being a girl?’
‘Joe never really had many friends of his own, and it is only since I’ve been Josie that I have started to make some girl friends’.
‘What do they think?’
‘Everyone seems to accept me as a girl and I’ve received many offers to help me with my grooming.’
‘Well you certainly look the part,’ commented Dr McLeod. ‘I don’t think anyone meeting you for the first time would doubt that you were a genetic girl.’
‘Thank you; that’s what I’ve found so far.’
‘What about your schooling, would you be able to face going back to your school dressed as a girl?’
‘I’ve arranged that Josie will start a new school in September,’ I said.
‘I see,’ he replied, and made more notes.
‘I will now need to examine Josephine physically,’ he said to me, and turning to Josie: ‘Please would you follow the nurse next door and get undressed for me. I will be through to see you in a minute, and in the meanwhile there are a number of questions which I should like to ask your mother’.
Half an hour later both the interview and the physical examination were over and the doctor called us both back into his consulting room.
‘Mrs Stevenson, your child appears to be a healthy male adolescent. As a boy, his stature is a little on the small side for his age, and he is also late in starting puberty compared with most others,’ he commented, ‘but I can find no obvious physical abnormalities. We will do some blood tests, just to check. The nurse has already taken some samples.’
‘But Josie says that she cannot continue to live as a boy,’ I said.
‘Yes, I note her determination to remain living as a young woman, which appears to be deep-rooted, but I’m also a little anxious that we only have five weeks of evidence of that determination and there may be a danger of a change of mind. In all other respects she strikes me as being both intelligent and well-balanced.’
Then turning to Josie, he said: ‘I understand from your mother that you have been getting on well at school.’
‘Yes’, she said.
‘I’m most impressed with the way you present yourself as a young woman and I don’t think there is a lot of danger of your attracting unwelcome attention in everyday life, particularly once you have gained a little more experience of living in the female role’.
‘Thank you,’ she replied.
‘The most pressing problem we have is that soon you will begin your puberty when your body will start undergoing a number of irreversible physical changes as you grow into a man rather than a boy. The shape of your body will change and you will probably grow taller. Your voice will become deeper and it will be necessary for you to begin shaving. In other words if we do nothing now it will soon become much more difficult for you to pass as a young woman’.
‘I know,’ replied Josie.
‘We were hoping you would be able to delay those changes in some way,’ I said.
‘You have brought Josephine to see me at the ideal time from a physical point of view, but I’m still very concerned about the comparatively short time that she has expressed this wish,’ he said.
Then turning to Josephine he said: ‘The best I can do for you at this stage is to prescribe you some anti-androgen pills that will postpone the onset of your puberty. You can start taking them straight away. They are quite safe and do not have adverse side effects. They will block the effects of the male testosterone hormone on your body. If you stop taking them then your normal puberty will begin soon afterwards. They will delay any permanent body changes and so buy us some time whilst we decide what to do.’
‘What other courses of action would there be for us to consider later on?’ I asked.
‘If you are both still happy with the situation, and I’m convinced that Josephine is determined to live as a woman, and could do so successfully, then I will consider prescribing a course of female hormones once she is sixteen. The effects of these would gradually give her a female body shape and skin texture and stimulate the growth of breasts. However these changes would be fairly permanent and there would be other side effects. The continued use of the drug would impair Josephine’s ability to have sexual relations as a man and would make her sterile. These would not be an issue if she decided to remain living as a woman permanently, but do need to be considered. If the hormones were effective and she was still progressing well in the female role, then it would be possible to consider referring her for sex re-assignment surgery once she was eighteen, but not before,’ he replied.
‘Does that mean that I can continue living as Josephine?’
‘Yes,’ replied Dr McLeod. ‘I’ve spoken to your mother and we both agree that there would be no point in taking these drugs if you did not do so. You will have to work out how you are going to effect the change in your everyday life, and how you are going to continue with your education. I should like to see you every three months in the meanwhile to find out how you are getting on’.
‘Alright then,’ I said.
Dr McLeod handed me a prescription and asked us to make a follow-up appointment with his receptionist. We thanked him and left. He smiled at Josie and wished her good luck in her new life. The nurse showed us out, and waited briefly whilst I arranged for our next appointment.
‘Josie, I think you will turn into a lovely young woman, I hope all goes well for you over the next few months and I look forward to seeing how you get on,’ said the nurse as we left.
We left the clinic and walked to a nearby café where we ordered some lunch and began to discuss the implications of what we’d just heard.
‘So where do we go from here, Josie?’ I asked.
‘Mum I so want to live as a girl full-time and can’t to go back to being a boy again.’
‘I’ve known that for some time, but it is still something of a shock to think that I will no longer have a son,’ I replied.
‘I know, but you will have a second daughter instead, and in due course I hope you’ll come to be proud of her.’
‘I’m already very proud of you and pleased that you now feel so much happier than before. However, the problem is how we are going to manage your transition in a way that causes the least problems for yourself and Jenny’.
We spent the remainder of our lunch compiling a list of details that would need to be taken care of if Josie was going to remain as a young woman.
‘Did you find out whether I can open a bank account in my new name?’ she asked.
‘I think it should be possible to open an ordinary children’s current account as long as I countersign the application. This would give you a cash card, but we may find it a little more complicated once you are sixteen’.
‘By then I hope to be on a course of female hormones and so that should convince everybody that I’m serious about changing my sex,’ she said.
‘So that is your ultimate goal?’ I asked.
‘Yes, I suppose so.’
I took a deep breath.
‘Alright then, let us go and find a pharmacy to collect the tablets on this prescription, and then maybe we can buy something nice for you and Jenny to celebrate.’
Half an hour later Josie took the first of the little white pills that would in future prevent her from ever turning into a young man.
‘I don’t think they’ll make you feel much different. They are just intended to keep things as they are.’
‘No Mum, you are wrong’, answered Josephine smiling, ‘I now feel quite different. I feel that I’ve passed the first milepost on what may be quite a long journey.’
I squeezed my younger daughter’s hand.
‘Josie, I’ll always be proud of you whatever should happen.’
‘Thanks Mum,’ she said giving me a hug.
That’s it I’m afraid! Many thanks to Bronwen for her help with editing, to Sephrena for fixing my posting errors and many comments, to SamanthaK for posting several chapters for me whilst I was away, and to everyone who has either commented publicly or else contacted me privately regarding the story.
Louise
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Suzanne’s cousin Clare: and how she changed my life by Louise Anne Smithson My only friend in London suffers from a form of muscular dystrophy and now spends her life on crutches or in a wheelchair. She’s great fun to spend time with, but her future is not looking too good. However, in the meanwhile, she appears to have plans for my future.
The story is set between November 2006 and February 2007 in the Westbourne Park area of west London but includes a trip to Sunderland. |
Chapter 1
A first lesson
Mid November can get quite cold and miserable in London, especially if there is driving rain. It was just such a Saturday morning when I pressed the intercom button at the flat of my friend Suzanne Fisher in Westbourne Park. I heard it buzz inside, but knew from experience that it would be a minute or more before I received any answer. Suzanne had severely impaired mobility and could not walk easily without crutches, and so I waited patiently, hunched against the rain. At last the speaker phone crackled into life.
‘Who is it?’ asked a confident sounding female voice.
‘Hi Suzanne, it’s Tom Evans, I’ve brought your shopping.
‘Tom, you’re a lovely young man, please come in.’
She pressed the button to release the front door and I entered into the lobby of the building and then her flat on the ground floor. Two minutes later I was unloading her purchases on to her kitchen table and placing some of the items in the refrigerator.
‘I’m afraid you’ve caught me just as I was doing my makeup’, she called out from an adjoining bedroom. ‘I hope you won’t mind if I finish doing my face; I won’t be too long. In the meanwhile you can take the money for the shopping from my purse, pour yourself a coffee and come and talk to me in the bedroom if you like.’
Suzanne was in her mid-twenties three or four years older than me, and was my only real friend in London. We’d met six weeks before when she’d allowed the battery of her electric scooter to go flat, and I’d had to rescue her from a local supermarket, and we’d been friends since. As I entered her bedroom she was sitting at a dressing table with a wide assortment of makeup products spread out before her. Two crutches were leaning against the wall. She motioned me to a small bedroom chair adjacent to her, whilst she continued to put mascara on her eyelashes. I sat down and watched for a few moments.
‘Are you just going to sit there staring without saying anything?’ she asked as she continued with her face.
‘Sorry, but I don’t think I’ve ever watched a woman putting on her makeup before,’ I commented for want of something to say.
‘Really?’ she said with an obvious note of surprise in her voice.
‘My mother was a 1970s feminist who used to wear dungarees and bovver boots who rather looked down on women who wore makeup.’
‘I know the type,’ commented Suzanne. ‘Does she still feel the same way?’
‘She died last year.’
‘I’m sorry about that. But didn’t you have any sisters?’
‘No, I was the only child.’
‘Me too! But you must have had girlfriends in the past who wore makeup?’ she said as she put the finishing touches to her eyes.
‘No, I’m afraid not,’ I said blushing faintly at my admission.
I suppose one of the reasons that Suzanne and I got on well together was because there was never any question of a sexual relationship between us, which rather cleared the decks and enabled us to be good friends. It was something that we both knew without having to think about it. Suzanne appeared to sense my embarrassment at her last question and so changed the subject.
‘I love wearing makeup, and used to teach women how to use it properly. It’s the one thing that makes me still feel like a woman since I’ve been confined to a wheelchair and crutches. I may not be able to wear high heels or go out dancing these days but at least I can still make up my face to look healthy and do my hair nicely,’ she said.
‘Yes, you always look great whenever I see you,’ I said.
‘Thanks, but that does involve a certain amount of effort to achieve.’
‘So I see! That’s quite an array of products you have there,’ I said, referring to the top of the dressing table.’
‘I’m afraid those are only the tip of the iceberg,’ she said smiling as she opened two drawers both of which were full of cosmetics.
‘My goodness, what on earth are they all for?’ I asked.
‘Oh they all have their different uses,’ she replied smiling.
Suzanne was now brushing her hair, but she turned to look at me.
‘What are you doing for the rest of this morning Tom?’ she asked.
‘Nothing, I’ve no particular plans for today.’
(My weekends in London were always pretty lonely, that’s why I was happy to volunteer to do Suzanne’s shopping for her.)
‘In that case why don’t I give you a makeup lesson, to help broaden your education?’
I hesitated before answering not knowing what to say, so she continued talking in an authoritative tone.
‘Take off your jacket and come and sit here so that you can see what I’m doing,’ she said moving from the stool in front of the dressing table mirror, to the bed.
‘You want to put some makeup on me?’
‘Don’t worry, it doesn’t hurt. You’ve quite an attractive face you know, but it could do with some enhancement.’
‘Won’t it make me look like a girl?’
She laughed at my naivety.
‘Yes, I should think so, and quite a pretty one at that, but don’t worry I won’t tell anyone,’ she said.
I hesitated for a moment before obeying her instruction.
‘Alright then, but you’ll have to promise to help me clean it all off afterwards.’
‘Of course I will.
She asked me to pull up the chair that I’d been sitting in so that it was next to the stool in front of the mirror so that we could sit next to one another and so I could either face her or the mirror and began carefully inspecting my face.
‘You have a nice bone-structure and no trace of any beard or Adam’s apple, which would be the main obstacles. You also have a clear complexion and lovely long eye-lashes for a lad. With your face you should really have been a girl.’
‘Thank you for that boost to my male self-confidence,’ I said with a note of sarcasm.
She ignored my comment and continued to scrutinize my face.
‘Alright we’ll begin the lesson by using a cleanser just to make sure there are no traces of grease or makeup left on your face,’ she said rubbing my cheeks with cotton pads soaked in a pink liquid.
‘But I’ve never had makeup on my face before.’
‘I know that; I was just telling you that for next time. Now I’m going to put on some moisturiser, it’ll help to plump up your skin before we put on the foundation.’
I watched in the mirror as she gently spread dabs of white cream over my cheeks, neck and round my eyes and then smoothed them into my skin. It was a pleasant relaxing sensation. Suzanne continued her running commentary on what she was doing, and why.
‘Before we put on your foundation, I think you’ll need a few dabs of concealer under your eyes, and along the bridge of your nose, that way you won’t need to use as much makeup to achieve a nice even skin tone. We’ll have to find a colour that suits your complexion as you’re a shade or two lighter than me.’
She found what she was looking for in the drawer.
‘How come you also have colours that don’t suit you?’ I asked.
‘I used to run a beauty salon before I became sick and had to sell the business. We were always getting free samples of new beauty products. I’ve kept them because you can sometimes mix two colours to create one that does suit.’
‘Oh, I see,’ I said, for want of any more intelligent response.
‘So now we come to the foundation, which is probably the most important cosmetic for any girl. Choosing the right shade can be hard to do on your own. If you’re not sure then you should always seek advice from a friend.’
‘But why is she referring to me as if I were a girl?’ I thought to myself, but said nothing.
Suzanne began to apply some dots of a skin-coloured liquid on my forehead, nose, chin and cheeks, and gently began to blend them together using a small sponge. She then told me to continue with the task.
‘You won’t need to apply much foundation, but it’s important to blend it in evenly to begin with. Work from the centre of your face outwards paying particular attention to your hairline and jaw-line,’ she said as she demonstrated the technique.
‘Do I really need to know all these details?’ I asked.
She sighed.
‘Just humour me, Tom; it takes me back to the time when I was fit and healthy and gave makeup lessons.’
‘Alright, I’m sorry, I won’t interrupt you again,’ I said, feeling a little guilty about my complaint.
‘In any event, the knowledge might come in handy to you sometime.’
‘I doubt it.’
‘Now take your time and make sure that you do it properly. Once you’ve blended it in, gently press the tips of your fingers over your face - the heat will help the blending process.’
She showed me what to do, and then asked me to try it for myself. I followed her instructions.
‘That’s good, now I want you to take the hand mirror over to the window and carefully check your face in the natural light, as it’ll show up any lines or other problem areas.’
I went over to the window as instructed.
‘My skin looks evenly toned to me,’ I answered, at last entering into the spirit of the exercise.
‘Great, now before you sit down again, I would like you to open that cupboard for me, inside you’ll find a brown wig on a block.’
I found what she wanted and handed it to her. She put it on one end of the dressing table.
‘That’s for you to wear after we’ve finished with your makeup.’
‘I’d assumed as much.’
‘Alright, now we’ll brush on some loose powder to set the foundation, and apply a little blush later on, but only after we’ve finished doing your eyes and lips. Are you alright to begin again?’
‘I suppose so,’ I replied, and once again took the seat in front of her mirror.
‘Now Tom, applying eye make up properly takes practice and there are a few things which you’ll need to bear in mind when deciding which colour eye shadow to wear.’
I didn’t respond not knowing what she wanted me to say. But she continued with her lesson regardless.
‘You have grey eyes, like me, so we’ll look out for a combination of three colours to suit them. Choose your primary colour first. This will be the one that you apply to your eyelid, but remember you don’t want your eye shadow to deflect attention from your eyes themselves, which is a mistake that some girls make, so we’ll go for a medium shade.
She selected a pastel grey-blue eye-shadow cake.
‘Now shut one eye, and using the eye shadow brush apply the colour to your eyelid, working upwards from the lashes to the crease of your eye’, she said demonstrating as she did so.
‘Would you like to try with the other eye?’
‘Alright then’
I did my best to follow her instructions.
‘That isn’t too bad, but I’ll just need to finish off for you.’
She neatened off my initial attempt.
‘We now need to apply the lightest shade to the outer half of your brow bone just below your eyebrow. It’ll open up the look of your eyes. If possible the entire area should be covered in one movement.’
Again she demonstrated on one eye and let me try on the other, but once again she had to neaten off my attempt so that each eye matched the other.
‘Don’t worry everyone is a little ham-fisted to begin with.’
I didn’t respond, not knowing what to say, so she continued with her commentary.
‘Now shut and then open each eye in turn.’
I did so.
‘Do you see the crease? We can deepen your eyes by applying the darker eye shadow to that crease.’
Once again she demonstrated on one eye and handed me the applicator to do the other.
‘Applying eye shadow is a skill you have to learn and will take you a little while to perfect.’
‘So I see,’ I said as she again repaired my last clumsy effort.
‘Now I’m just going to darken and shape your eyebrows a little, and also pluck out one or two stray hairs.’
‘Please don’t do anything that’ll still be noticeable after I’ve taken it all off.’
‘Don’t worry, nobody is going to notice if you’re missing a few eyebrows and they’ll soon grow back’ she replied.
‘I hope you’re right.’
Having removed a few hairs with tweezers she went over the remainder with an eyebrow pencil, darkening them and giving the brow more of an arch shape. My eyes were beginning to gain in definition and stand out more.
‘Next comes your eyeliner, which is available in both liquid and pencil form. I suggest that you use pencil to begin with as you can end up putting on too much liquid if you’re not careful. You need to draw a thin line as close to the base of your eyelids as you possibly can. You should start at the inside corner of your eye and work outwards. It can be rather fiddly at first, but if you find it difficult to complete in one line, short strokes can be used. I’ll do it for you today as we don’t want to spoil your eyelids, but you can do it next time.’
Next time?
I followed her instructions to close each lid in turn whilst she drew the line.
‘For the bottom lids you go in the opposite direction to the top eyelids. Again I’d better do it for you on this occasion, but if you promise to be careful I’ll let you put on your own mascara.’
‘That is big of you,’ I replied with a note of sarcasm which she ignored.
‘We use the mascara to give your lovely long eyelashes a fuller look and make them stand out. Insert the wand in its container and turn it a couple of times before pulling it out, making sure there are no blobs or lumps. Now carefully apply it by running the brush along your top and bottom lashes, away from your face.’
Again I followed her directions and appeared to make quite a good job of my eyelashes. In fact it was quite a pleasurable sensation.
‘Good, we’ll give your lashes a few minutes to dry and then you can apply a second coat to help to make them appear thicker. Afterwards, we’ll gently go through them again with an eyelash comb to separate any that have stuck together and remove any clumps that may appear.’
Once my eye lashes were finished and scrutinized by Suzanne I stared at myself in the mirror, and was amazed at the difference in their appearance.
My teacher now turned to the matter of my lips.
‘We’ll have to think carefully about your lipstick colour and finish. I think darker tones should complement your overall colouring. Matt lipsticks give a muted finish for everyday makeup, but on this occasion we want you to look glamorous and so I suggest a satin finish.’
I shrugged my shoulders, I’d now gone beyond the point where arguing or even contributing an opinion would have been any use.
‘I suppose you know best,’ I said.
‘You should begin by dabbing on a small amount of lip balm to give your lips a little moisture,’ she said handing me a stick.
Once I’d finished, she selected a dark red container from one of the dressing table drawers.
‘I’m going to draw a thin line along the edge of your lips with a lip liner that is a shade darker than your lipstick. Notice how I start at the centre of the upper lip and work outwards. I’m keeping to the outer edges to make your lips look fuller. When we’ve finished I’ll apply your lipstick to the remainder of your lips using a small brush.’
‘Alright then.
‘Now purse your lips so that they are both coated evenly,’ she said, indicating with her own lips what I should do.
‘Do you mean like this?’ I asked.
‘Good girl! This is another thing that’ll become second nature with a little more practice,’ she said.
Finally she handed me a tissue to blot the lips removing excess colour and to even out the texture.
‘Remember you’ll probably need to touch up your lips after having a meal or a cup of coffee.’
‘Do I put on the wig now?’ I asked, beginning to be anxious to see the overall effect.
‘No, not yet, I’m just going to put some blusher and give your nose a dab or two of face powder, but we have to be careful not to overdo it at this stage.’
She used a large makeup brush and lightly stroked the blush over my cheek bones, and then gently applied some loose powder to my nose with a puff and then brushed off the excess.
‘Face powder is another thing we have to keep an eye on during the day, especially your nose, which can appear to become shiny after a while. That’s why we carry powder compacts in our handbags, so we can do a quick repair job as necessary,’ she observed.
She really was treating me like one of her former customers.
At last it was time to secure the wig. I had a respectable amount of hair of my own, and so Suzanne provided me with a nylon wig cap to hold it in place. Then she held the wig from the back and carefully drew it over my natural hair until it sat neatly in place.
‘This is synthetic wig, but quite an expensive one, so it looks and feels like the real thing, but also holds it style after it has been washed.’
‘I would never have known that it wasn’t real,’ I commented.
She adjusted it to make sure it was straight and then adjusted the Velcro straps under the hair at the back so it sat firmly in place.
‘That should be secure enough indoors, but you can always clip it to your own hair if you ever go out on a windy day.’
She proceeded to brush the long brown hair into a style.
‘Alright madam, I think that is you done, so what do you think?’
I stared at my image for nearly thirty seconds in the mirror before responding.
‘It’s amazing,’ I said.
Suzanne smiled triumphantly. ‘Yes you have turned out looking much better than I imagined.’
‘But I look just like a young woman’ I commented.
‘You don’t ‘look just like a young woman’, you look like a photographic model,’ she commented.
I blushed but also had to smile at my reflection.
‘In that case would you mind taking a photo of me with my mobile phone before I get cleaned up?’
‘No, not yet. We can’t leave the job half done when you look so good. Let us stop for some lunch and then I’ll find you some of my clothes to wear this afternoon, and maybe we can do something about your finger nails as well. Once that is done I’ll take some proper photographs of you with my digital camera.’
I thought for a moment before agreeing to her plan.
‘Very well then, I suppose I have no other commitments today.’
‘Good, you’ll find there’s some ham and grated cheese in the fridge. If you’ll kindly make us a couple of toasted sandwiches and a fresh pot of coffee, I’ll start sorting out something for you to wear this afternoon. By the way, what shoe size do you take?’ she asked.
‘Six, I’ve always had rather small feet.’
‘Brilliant, you take the same size as I do. See, I told you that with your looks you should have been a girl.’
Happy New Year to my readers. I'll try and post Chapter 2 tomorrow and new chapters weekly thereafter.
Louise
Chapter 2
Finishing the job
After we’d finished eating our lunch and I’d cleared the dishes, Suzanne invited me to touch up my lipstick and to check whether my nose required further face powder, using her dressing table mirror. Once I’d made the necessary repairs I was instructed to come to her spare bedroom where she’d laid out a matching set of dark blue lingerie and a brand new pack of stockings for me. There was also a pair of pink furry slippers on the floor by the bed.
‘Here, you can be putting on these underclothes whilst I go and find you a suitable dress and some jewelry to wear. You can fill the bra cups with these,’ she said, pointing to a pair of old stockings which she’d part-filled with rice, and knotted, which were on top of the dressing table.
‘They’re the right weight and consistency for real breasts, and the knots will create the outline of a nipple inside the bra. We’ll have to make sure that the dress you wear doesn’t have a very low neckline. It’s lucky that we seem to take the same size in clothes.
‘Alright,’ I said, beginning to warm to the prospect of wearing something really nice for once.
‘Don’t put on the stockings for the time being as we’ll need to de-fuzz your legs first,’ she continued.
‘Aren’t you bothered about me wearing your clothes?’
‘No, not at all, I’ve lots of clothes which I’ll never have opportunity to wear again now that my condition has worsened. I’m just pleased to see them being used once again.’
‘Alright then, if you’re sure that you don’t mind,’
I followed her instructions regarding the lingerie and suddenly found that I’d acquired the shape of a young woman. A few minutes later Suzanne struggled into the room on her crutches carrying a long grey silk dress over her arm, which she lay down on to the bed. I was wearing the filled bra and the knickers, but was still working out how to put on the suspender belt.
‘You’ll have to give me a hand with this Suzanne, I’m afraid I’m not very knowledgeable about women’s underclothing’ I admitted, blushing.
She laughed.
‘I didn’t think women wore suspenders and stockings nowadays,’ I continued. ‘My mother never wore anything remotely like this.’
‘Oh dear, what a sheltered life you’ve lived Tom!’ she said laughing. ‘But you are right, tights have replaced suspenders for everyday wear, although we want you to look really glamorous on this first occasion.’
I wasn’t sure about the significance of the word ‘first’ but I didn’t argue the point with her. She showed me how to put on the belt and then tuck the four suspenders inside my knickers before helping me to put on and straighten a short petticoat.
‘Your legs have a nice shape and aren’t particularly hairy for a young man’, she commented, running her hands up them, ‘but we’ll have to de-fuzz them together with your armpits, just to be on the safe side.’
‘Is that really necessary?’ I asked.
‘Oh yes, you’ve come this far in your quest and we’re not going to spoil the effect with hairy legs. In any event, having smooth arms and legs will make you feel more confident.’
‘Quest? What quest?
I sighed and shrugged my shoulders, realising that nobody would know other than Suzanne and myself. If I were absolutely honest, I might even admit to enjoying myself, at least it was preferable to sitting in my bedsit, surfing the internet. I therefore let her show me how to use a hair removal cream.
‘It feels wrong to be calling you Tom now that you look the way you do, if you don’t object I’m going to start calling you Clare and referring to you as she whilst you’re dressed as you are.’
‘Alright, as long as you call me Tom again as soon as I’ve changed back. But why Clare?’ I asked.
‘You remind me of someone with that name, that I used to know.’
By now the hair removal cream was covering my legs, arms and armpits.
‘I want you to stand and wait for ten minutes whilst it does its job, and in the meanwhile I’ll find you some more clothes to wear.’
Whilst I was waiting, Suzanne sorted out a pair of high heeled shoes which she also brought through to the spare bedroom. At last she decided that my legs and arms were ready and showed me how to remove the bulk of the cream with a spatula and then wash off any remaining traces.
‘See Clare, your arms and legs now look and feel lovely and smooth and there’s no trace of any soreness.’
‘I just hope that nobody notices,’ I replied.
‘But Clare we want people to notice, that is the whole idea of your wearing stockings,’ she joked.
I blushed.
‘I meant at work, next week.’
‘I doubt if anyone will notice your legs if you’re wearing trousers, and, in any event, what difference would it make if they did?’
‘One of my colleagues, Debbie, is quite nosey and she’d be bound to ask me why I’d shaved my legs.’
‘In that case you should tell her that it helps you to improve your swimming.’
That sounded pretty lame reason to me; I’d just have to hope that she didn’t notice.
We then sat down together and Suzanne explained to me how to put on a new pair of stockings without laddering them. There seemed to be so much to learn.
‘Gather together the leg potion in both hands, slip your foot into the toe, then gently draw the stocking over your leg. When taking them off, do the same thing but in reverse. It cuts down the snagging hazard to a considerable extent. Once they are on straight you should attach them to the suspenders.’
I followed her instructions, and then put on the slippers.
‘So how do the stockings feel on your legs?’
‘I must admit they do feel very nice and silky,’ I said as I ran my hands along my legs.
‘Yes, of course they do’, said Suzanne. ‘Now come back to my bedroom and we’ll see if we can do something with your finger nails.’
I held out both my hands for Suzanne to inspect.
‘Your fingers aren’t bad, given that you used to be a guy, but you’re going to need some acrylic extensions before we put on the polish.’
‘Are you sure that they’ll come off?’
‘Yes, don’t worry, there’s a special acetone solution which is used to soak them off. It takes about twenty minutes’
‘Alright as long as you know what you are doing.’
The next quarter of an hour was spent by Suzanne in cleaning, shaping and buffing my nails, pushing back the cuticles and removing dead skin.
‘This all seems to be rather a rigmarole, given that it’s only for one day,’ I commented.
‘Maybe so Clare, but for once I’m really enjoying myself so please humour me, and I promise that you they’ll look absolutely beautiful when I’m finished,’ she replied with feeling.
I didn’t have the heart to object further, and, in any event, I was now quite looking forward to seeing the finished job.
Suzanne found a set of nail forms in her drawer which she shaped, trimmed and filed to fit over about a third of each of my existing nails. As each one was finished she painted on a primer to the nail surface. Whilst we were waiting for my left hand to dry, she started on the right. As soon as each nail was dry she put some adhesive on the underside of a new tip and gently attached it to about one third of my natural nail, rocking it into place and then holding it for a few seconds, also pressing gently at sides to ensure maximum bonding. Once each extension was secure, she shortened and shaped the tips and sides and blended the overlap as far as possible in to the natural nail surface with an emery board.
‘These extensions should now be as strong as your natural nails’ she said, brushing away the dust. ‘We now apply a coat of resin to your nails and the tips, followed by a puff on to them with a coat of polymer powder, and another coat of resin. Finally I’ll use a spray activator which causes a chemical reaction to harden the surface and disguise any sign of the join.’
‘As long as it all comes off without leaving any trace behind.’
‘Don’t worry, Clare, you’ll be fine.’
She carried out each of these actions on each nail in turn. I said nothing but just watched in amazement as I gradually acquired a set of long, smooth and shapely finger nails.
‘Now for some nail varnish,’ continued Suzanne in a matter of fact way. ‘I always use a base coat first. It evens out the nail and prepares it for the coloured lacquer. We’ll have to wait until this is completely dry (not tacky) and then paint your nails with one straight line going from the base to the tip on either side and then another down the middle. Re-dip the brush if you find it dragging along the nail.’
She used a nail varnish that matched my lipstick.
‘I’m afraid you’ll now have to sit and do nothing for a while, waiting for them to dry fully. In the meanwhile would you mind if I pierce your ears as I don’t have any suitable clip-on earrings.’
‘Is that really necessary?’ I felt duty bound to ask, although I knew what her answer would be, before doing so.
‘Yes, I’m afraid so, Clare,’ answered Suzanne. ‘It’s one more visible detail that’ll make you look a little more convincing.’
‘But won’t that leave a mark?’ I said.
‘Yes, but only for a little while, until the holes close up again. In any event lots of young men wear studs in their ears these days.’
I sighed, not wishing to spoil her fun.
‘Alright then, I’ve let you come this far, and so I suppose you had better finish the job,’ I said.
‘Exactly, you’re beginning to get the right idea,’ she said, giving me a nice smile.
Ten minutes later Suzanne had wiped my ears with antiseptic, then frozen them with ice cubes before piercing them with a sterilised needle and inserted two dangling earrings.
‘Now that wasn’t too painful was it? I’ve sprayed the holes with brine which acts as an antiseptic. If you want to keep them, I can give you some studs to wear after you’ve taken them out.
‘I just hope you know what you’re doing,’ I said.
‘Of course I do, I’ve pierced hundreds of ears in my time. As I told you, I used to be a beauty consultant,’ she answered, as she attached a matching pendant to my neck.
‘Can I see what I look like now?’
'Wait a minute, I’ll just spray on a little perfume for you and then we'll need to check how are your nails are doing.’
I spread out both my hands to display immaculately lacquered nails.
‘I think they’re probably dry by now.’
‘Alright then, I’ll help you to put on the dress but be careful not to touch anything as the varnish probably still needs a little more time to harden and it will be a pain if we have to do them again!
Leaning against the dressing table, Suzanne helped me to step into her long grey dress and zipped it up at the back for me. She then put on a simple gold bracelet on to each of my wrists.
‘Now slip on your shoes and we can go and look in the full length mirror in my room.’
Suzanne gestured to a pair of high-heeled sling backs, and helped me to put them on so that I wouldn’t spoil my nails.
I was a little unsteady wearing high heels at first but after a few steps I managed to retain my balance.
‘Well Missy, so how do you feel now that you’re really beginning to look like a girl?’ asked Suzanne as we stood looking at my reflection.
I took a minute or two before answering.
‘I’m not sure what to say. It feels a little strange to be wearing these clothes and makeup. The high heels are also a little bit tiring for my feet, but I quite like the feeling of the long hair and having these lovely long finger nails. However, the main thing is that I can’t get used to how I look.’
‘Yes, you do look lovely, even for a girl. I’m very pleased with my efforts today,’ said Suzanne. ‘How about your arms and legs, are they at all sore?’
‘No, in fact it’s quite a pleasant sensation to have them smooth, and to be wearing stockings.’
‘What about your earlobes?’
‘They’re a little sore, but it’s also a nice sensation to feel the earrings move when I move my head,’ I said, smiling.
Suzanne smiled as well.
‘It sounds as if you’re beginning to think like a woman, as well as look like one,’ she commented
I blushed a little then smiled.
‘Thank you Suzanne, I must admit I’ve had a novel but quite enjoyable experience today.’
‘Good, I hoped that you would think that way. Now it’s time for us to take some photos with my digital camera?’
‘Alright, you may do so but you must promise not to show them to anyone without my permission.’
‘I promise, but I suspect you may be quite proud of the results.’
Suzanne took several shots of me alone in various poses and then using the self-timer she also took a number of the two of us together. I also took a couple of Suzanne.
‘I think we are both naturally photogenic,’ commented Suzanne as we later inspected the results on her computer, but you’re the true beauty.’
I blushed and said nothing.
It was now nearly five o’clock in the afternoon. My transformation had taken nearly five hours.
‘You know, there’s no reason why you have to change back straight away Clare. How would you like to stay here for dinner tonight? I have plenty of ready meals in the freezer and I would love to have your company.’
‘Alright then as long as you promise to help me get changed back before I do leave tonight.’
‘The only thing is that we’re going to need a bottle of wine and something for a dessert, I don’t suppose you would mind going across the road to the convenience store for me?’ she asked.
‘I can’t go out to the shops dressed like this,’ I said.
‘Well, with all that makeup and those finger nails, you can hardly go out in your own clothes without anyone noticing’, she replied. ‘But I suppose you do look a little too glamorous to go to the local store. What if you were to change into a more conservative dress and some sensible shoes, and put on my winter coat you’ll look like any other smartly dressed young woman.’
‘But I’ll give myself away as soon as I open my mouth,’ I replied.
‘Clare, or perhaps on this occasion I’ll say Tom, have you ever heard a recording of your voice recently? It’s quite high pitched for a young man and could easily pass for a woman’s voice.’
‘No one has ever commented on that before.’
‘That’s because people hear what they expect to hear. They see a young man standing in front of them and accept that the voice is a man’s, but if an attractive young woman were to be standing there then they would accept the same voice as being a woman’s. There have been a couple of occasions when you’ve spoken to me on the phone, that I started by mistaking you for a woman.’
I blushed, realising that my friend was probably speaking the truth and there had been one or two embarrassing incidents in the past where other people had assumed I was a woman over the phone.
‘In any event you probably won’t even have to say anything, just take the purchases to the counter and pay in cash.’
I hesitated for a moment before answering.
‘Alright then, if you’ll find me something more suitable to change into.’
Ten minutes later I’d changed into a shorter dark red dress and some more comfortable medium-heeled shoes.
‘You can wear these clothes this evening, if you want.’
‘Alright then, I should hate to drop food on your lovely long dress, but wouldn’t it be safer for me to wear flat heels to go out?’ I asked.
‘No, we don’t want you walking like a man do we?’ answered Suzanne. ‘You’ll need to be conscious of how you walk as this could give you away just as much as your mannerisms or your voice. Remember to take small steps rather than strides, and that you’re no longer a guy.’
‘I can’t easily forget that with all this makeup on, but I’ll do my best,’ I replied.
‘Here, take my purse, and you’ll find my winter coat is hanging by the front door’, said Suzanne.
‘No that’s alright I can pay,’ I said.
‘No Clare, you’ve been such a good sport today that I want it to be my treat. In any event, I also want you to buy me a new toothbrush whilst you’re there.’
‘Alright then, any particular make or colour?’
‘I’ll have a pink one, if they have one, but otherwise it doesn’t really matter.’
Half an hour later I’d returned with the purchases, feeling quite pleased with myself.
‘Did you’ve any difficulties?’ asked Suzanne, as I came in again.
‘No, none at all; I don’t think anyone recognised me as a man.’
‘Of course not; I told you so.’
‘People seem to be friendlier to young women than they are to young men. The shopkeeper called me ‘love’, and one guy held open the door for me.’
‘So what did you do?’ she asked.
‘I just smiled sweetly at him, and he blushed,’ I answered laughing.
‘So you appear to have enjoyed your first trip out as Clare?’
‘Yes, I suppose I did,’ I admitted, blushing a little as I did so.
After taking off Suzanne’s coat and stowing the shopping I offered to help finish preparing our meal as the exertions of the day appeared to have tired her out. By 6.30pm I’d laid the table and we were about to share a class of wine.
‘So, have you enjoyed yourself today young Clare?’
‘Yes, I suppose I have, once I got used to the idea,’ I replied.
‘I thought so. In that case let us have a toast - to Clare,’ said Suzanne, raising her glass.
‘To Clare and Suzanne,’ I corrected.
‘Alright then - to Clare, Suzanne and their continued friendship.’
I'll try and post a new chapter weekly from now on. Louise
Chapter 3
A request
I don’t remember ever having had such a pleasant evening as I did with Suzanne on that Saturday night. We didn’t do anything special, just shared a tv-dinner and a bottle of wine and got to know one another a lot better. Sometimes women talk to one another not primarily to exchange information but rather as a means of bonding. I told her about my childhood, my mother’s death last year and how I’d travelled down from Newcastle to find work in London. She in turn told me about her own childhood in Melbourne, Australia and the business that she used to run before she became so ill. It was a relaxed and friendly conversation; nobody dominated the discussion or attempted to impress the other — just two girl-friends chatting together.
‘You seem to be enjoying yourself this evening, Clare,’ my new friend commented at one point
‘I am; it is a long time since I had such a relaxed and pleasant time,’ I replied.
‘So no regrets that I transformed you into a young lady for the day?’
‘Not as yet, as long as no-one else finds out.’
‘I was wondering whether you’d consider spending some more time as Clare at some future date,’ she asked tentatively.
‘What do you have in mind?’
‘Maybe we could go to the cinema together sometime, or you could come round for a meal again?’
I thought for a little time, inspecting my beautifully painted finger nails, before responding.
‘I suppose I wouldn’t mind, if you’re willing to provide the clothes and help me with my makeup once again,’ I answered a little hesitantly.
She smiled.
‘In that case, does Tom have anything planned for next Saturday?’ she asked.
‘No, Tom’s weekends tend to be fairly uneventful. As a rule he goes out shopping, catches up with his laundry and any housework and then spends the rest of the time reading or surfing the web.’
‘I’ve had an idea during the course of the evening where Clare could perhaps help me.’
‘Go on,’ I said.
‘Perhaps I need to begin with some background explanation. As you know I’ve been suffering from a form of muscular dystrophy for the last few years.’
‘Yes, I am sorry. Is there no prospect of an improvement in your condition?’ I asked.
‘No, I’m afraid not, not for the type of disease that I have, which is genetic, My muscles will get progressively weaker as my condition worsens. In fact I’ve recently learned that the disease is beginning to affect my heart and lungs and so it is possible that I don’t have more than a few months left to live.’
‘Suzanne, I’m so sorry, I’d no idea it was that serious,’ I said, quite shocked by the revelation.
Suzanne shrugged as if it were one of those things we had to put up with.
‘Yes, life is unfair isn’t it? Muscular dystrophy is just one more thing that I appear to have inherited from my mother, along with her looks and a little bit of her money. But at least I should retain my mental faculties to the end, and I would hate to spend several years as a bedridden cripple. The main thing is for me to keep active and independent for as long as I possibly can or else I’ll end up in a home with a load of geriatrics for the last few months of my life, and I can think of nothing worse than that.’
‘A nursing home for old people! But you’re only a few years older than I am,’ I said in surprise.
‘I know, but the Health Service doesn’t get that many terminally ill patients, who are still in their twenties. There’s a lack of long-term care facilities for people like me. That’s why it’s so important for me to stay active and in my own flat for as long as possible.’
‘Yes, I understand,’ I said, not knowing what else to say. Suzanne always seemed to treat her condition in a matter-of-fact way.
‘I could afford to pay for someone to come in and do my housework for me, but I can still manage relatively light weights and I’m determined to fend for myself for as long as I can. I could even have my meals delivered, if I wanted them, but I prefer to cook and clean for myself. These days I order most of my shopping online and only occasionally do I have to ask anyone to help out.’
‘Well if Tom can ever be of any help, you always have his mobile phone number,’ I answered.
It seemed odd referring to myself in the third person, in this manner, but at that moment I truly felt like he was a different person.
‘Yes, thank you. I appreciate that,’ she continued.
‘But what does this have to do with next Saturday?’
‘I’ll be entertaining a couple of women friends and need some moral support. They’re planning to go abroad for a year soon after Christmas and have been trying to persuade me to move into a nursing home before they leave, but they don’t seem to realise that it would be the worst fate possible for me.’
‘Surely it’s up to you what you do?’ she asked.
‘Yes of course it is, but now they are talking about changing their plans for my sake, and I really don’t want that to happen. Somehow, I need to be able to convince them that I’m going to be alright continuing to live here on my own, and that when the time comes I’ll be able to make my own arrangements for my care.’
‘In what way would I be able to help?’
‘Some time ago I told my friends that I have two relatives living in the UK: an aunt and her daughter Clare, who is a few years younger than me — in fact about your age. I said that they would be able to keep an eye on me and help out in case of any emergency. It was a white lie as my only surviving cousin is in Australia and we’ve had no contact with one another for many years. I’m now wondering if you would be prepared to come to the dinner on Saturday and pretend to be my cousin Clare?’
‘But you can’t expect me to try and impersonate a young woman in front of your friends,’ I said in some alarm.
‘I don’t see why not!’ she answered. ‘You’ve made a most attractive and convincing young woman so far today, and have even been down to the convenience store across the road without giving yourself away. I’ll lend you my long wig and a dress and help you to get ready again.’
‘But Suzanne, there’s a lot of difference between spending a few minutes at the local shop and several hours in the company of your friends. I would be bound to give myself away during the course of the evening, and then you would be in a worse position than before.’
‘Clare, I’ve spent most of the day with you and, honestly, I keep forgetting that you were ever a young man. If you did give yourself away then of course I’d explain that it was all my crazy idea, but I really don’t think you would do so. In any event we’ll have all next Saturday for you to practice.’
‘So what would I be expected to do as your cousin?’ I asked.
‘Nothing much, just come along, eat your food and pretend to be my cousin from the Midlands who has come down to London to make sure that I’m managing alright. I only need to demonstrate that you exist to put their minds at rest.’
‘I may look like a girl and even sound one, but I don’t think or act like one, and that’s what would probably give me away.’
‘No, not if you’re careful. You’ll only have to act the part for a few hours, and, as I said, we’ll have all day for you to practice.’
‘I don’t know Suzanne, of course I would like to help you, if I can, but I don’t think that I could keep up the pretense for so long.’
‘Please Clare, you did offer to help me in any way you could just now.’
‘I believe I offered Tom’s help,’ I said a little guiltily.
Our conversation died and an awkward silence ensued, but Suzanne wasn’t prepared to leave things like that and after a few minutes she responded.
‘I have a suggestion to make: why don’t you stay as Clare in my spare room tonight. Tomorrow we’ll go out together to have lunch in a restaurant that I know in Covent Garden and then you can take me in my wheelchair around the market during the afternoon. If anyone recognises you as a young man, or even acts a little oddly towards you, then I promise that I’ll forget all about my plan for next week.’
‘And if I’m not recognised?’ I asked.
‘Then we’ll discuss my idea again tomorrow evening, after you’ve gained a little more confidence.’
‘I can’t go back to my flat for my bedclothes, dressed like this.’
‘Don’t worry about that, Clare, I’ve everything you’ll need for tonight including a brand new pink toothbrush.’
I sat quietly for a few minutes thinking about the implications of Suzanne’s request. I’d enjoyed my evening and wasn’t particularly anxious for it to end, but she was asking a lot of me. My friend said nothing more, not wishing to push things too hard.
‘Alright then I’ll see how we get on tomorrow, but I’m not promising to go through with your idiotic idea next week,’ I replied eventually.
‘Good, come with me through to my bedroom, I’ll show you how to remove that makeup and then we’ll find you some night clothes to wear.’
The following morning I awoke in Suzanne’s spare bed with a number of strange sensations. My legs, arms, and hands all felt different, and there was a slight ache in my earlobes. I opened my eyes to find that I was wearing a pink nylon nightdress, and noticed that my long painted finger nails. I then remembered the events of the previous day and smiled at the recollection. I looked around for my clothes, but could find no trace of them I must have left them in Suzanne’s bedroom, and she seemed to be still asleep. She had however left out a towel, dressing gown and clean set of female underwear on the chair by the dressing table for me. I thought about Suzanne’s request from the previous evening. How could I refuse a request from someone with less than a year to live? On the other hand it seemed a crazy scheme that was bound to be found out. Yet the idea of being able to pass successfully as a young woman also intrigued me. I had at least agreed to a dry run today, although in retrospect this too seemed a bit of a rash thing to promise. But if it was going to work then I’d have to learn to walk, talk, act and even think of myself as Clare from this point onwards.
I got up and took a shower then carefully dressed myself in the new underclothes. These were not quite so ‘girly’ as those I’d worn the day before and included a pair of tights rather than stockings. I inserted the breast forms into the cups of the bra and then slipped on a camisole top. I now had a choice between continuing to wear the dressing gown that Suzanne had left for me or else the dark red dress which I’d worn the previous evening. After a moment’s thought I chose the latter and put it on. It was a little fiddly to zip up behind and to hook the eye at the top as I was unused to having such long finger nails. Finally I sat down in front of the dressing table and put on the wig as Suzanne had shown me the previous day, and brushed it into a style.
I then inspected the various items of makeup that Suzanne had given to me the previous evening. I didn’t feel confident enough to attempt do my face properly without her guidance, but I did at least put on some lipstick and mascara, just to show willing. Once I was finished I put on the pink slippers and went to the kitchen to prepare us some breakfast.
Suzanne emerged from her room on her crutches half an hour later to find that I’d made us coffee and toast.
‘Good morning Clare, it would seem that you’re still willing to go ahead with my suggestion for today?’ she said.
‘Actually, I was beginning to wonder whether this is such a good idea and whether I might have got a bit carried away after a couple of glasses of wine last night.’
‘Oh please don’t say that when you’ve already made a pretty good job of getting yourself dressed.’
‘Alright I’ll do my best at being Clare for today, but remember that I’m not making any promises about next week,’ I answered.
‘That’s all I ask of you. After breakfast I’ll take my shower and in the meanwhile I want you to show me how much you learned from my makeup lesson yesterday.’
‘Alright, but you’ll have to check me over and make any repairs before we leave,’ I said.
‘It’ll be best if you start with a clear canvas so make sure you remove the makeup you’ve put on this morning and moisturise your face. Also make sure that you wipe the holes in your earlobes with antiseptic.'
'I'll do my best.'
'That's all I ask from you.'
When Suzanne came into her spare room carrying a dark blue jersey dress an hour later, I was still trying to put on some eyeliner, but had made a fairly good job with the other cosmetics.
‘Here you are young lady, you can wear this, together with my spare winter coat, and some medium heels.’
‘I’m afraid I’ve not done too well with my eyes.’
‘So I see, but everything else is alright, and it’ll come with more practice.’
Suzanne quickly repaired the damage, and then drew the line around the edge of my lips.
‘If you finish off your lipstick and mascara and get yourself dressed, I’ll sort you out a purse and a handbag for you.’
Ten minutes later Suzanne returned.
‘How do I look?’ I asked.
‘Not bad for a novice,’ said Suzanne, but then changing her mind she said, ‘actually, Clare you look lovely.’
I blushed, but it was nice to receive such a compliment.
‘Now remember to try and walk in the way that I told you, without taking big steps. You’ll not have the high heels to help you in this respect.
‘My goodness, there are so many things that might give me away.’
‘The odd slip up probably won’t be noticed, but the overall impression you give is important. However don’t worry, I’ll tell you if you do or say anything that’s likely to give you away.
‘Thanks.’
Suzanne handed over a black leather handbag.
‘This is for you to use. Make sure you take your lipstick, powder compact, mascara, and some tissues. You’ll also find a purse containing sixty pounds, as I want you to pay the taxi driver and for the meals.
‘Do you have everything you’ll need?’ asked Suzanne as we waited for the taxi to arrive.
‘I believe so.’
‘Are you ready to face the world as Clare.’
‘I suppose so, but you’ll have to try and remind me if I do or say or do anything out of character.’
‘I’ll use the word ‘awkward’ as our private code to mean ‘mannish.’ So if I tell you that you’re walking or talking ‘awkwardly’ then you’ll know what I mean. If I use the word ‘nice’ it’ll mean feminine. So if I say that you look ‘nice’ or are walking ‘nicely’ then all is well.
‘Alright, I’ll do my best to have a ‘nice’ time.’
‘Don’t worry Clare, you look and sound the part, I’m sure you’ll do very ‘nicely’ and nobody will guess.’
‘I hope so.’
Suzanne had booked a minicab to collect us at midday. It was a company that she regularly used as they could cope with her folded wheelchair and the driver knew her well.
‘Hi Suzanne, you look very smart this morning where would you like to go?’ he asked as he helped her into to back of his cab.
‘We’re going to Covent Garden, Joe, next to the transport museum. By the way, this is my cousin Clare.’
The driver smiled and said hello to me and I acknowledged his greeting He helped Suzanne into his cab and loaded the wheelchair then proceeded to drive us to our destination.
‘So what are you ladies up to today?’ he asked cheerily.
Suzanne prodded me to indicate that I should answer.
‘We are going to have some lunch and then look around the market stalls for Christmas gifts,’ I said.
‘You girls do love your shopping,’ he said in a jokey, but patronising manner.
It occurred to me that he was reacting quite differently to me as Clare than he would have done as Tom, which I suppose was just as well. We carried on a friendly three-way conversation throughout the twenty minute journey, before Joe dropped us off at our destination and helped Suzanne into her wheelchair. As requested, I paid him.
‘Thanks love, now you have a nice day ladies.’
Suzanne smiled, and I blushed.
‘We would like you to pick us up here again at four o’clock please,’ I said as he was about to leave.
‘It’ll be my pleasure, dear,’ he replied.
‘Well so far so good, I didn’t notice any awkwardness there,’ I commented as he drove off.
‘No it all went very nicely,’ said Suzanne as I pushed her unpowered wheelchair towards the market.
In fact the remainder of the day went remarkably well; Suzanne was always good company despite her disability, but seemed to respond to me particularly well as Clare. Our relationship as girl-friends was different, and somehow warmer and more relaxed than it had previously had been. We ate a leisurely lunch in a restaurant with good wheelchair access and then I pushed Suzanne around the various stalls where we made a few purchases. We both had cause to talk to a number of people during the day and no-one seemed to take any particular notice of me other than to compliment me on my looks (particularly if they were trying to sell me something). I wasn’t aware that anyone thought there was anything odd about me or my demeanor. I was also able to try on a silk scarf and sample some perfume without a trace of embarrassment. Gradually as the afternoon went on I became more confident about my appearance and my voice and so I began to engage the stall keepers and waiters in conversation. I began to appreciate the fact that I could be more talkative with strangers in my new role, than I could ever have been dressed as Tom.
‘How am I doing?’ I asked Suzanne as we stopped for a coffee whilst waiting for our taxi to arrive.
‘Very nicely my dear, but be a little careful when you’re talking to young men or else they may get the wrong idea and think that you fancy them,’ warned Suzanne.
‘I suppose I still have a lot to learn about presenting as a woman.’
‘Yes, but don’t worry, you’re doing fine.’
‘I must say that I’ve had a good time during my weekend as Clare.’
‘I thought you would do so. How would you feel about coming to my dinner party next Saturday night?’ asked Suzanne.
‘You promise not blame me if I give myself away,’ I replied.
‘No of course not, so long as you gave it your best effort.’
‘Alright then, I’ll agree to go along with your plan, but I do think that we both must be mad.’
‘Thanks so much, Clare,’ she said, kissing me on the cheek. ‘As soon as we get home we can make our plans.’
‘Alright but remember that you’ve promised to help me to become Tom again afterwards,’ I replied.
Chapter 4
Dinner preparations
The next four days were fairly uneventful for me after the novelty and excitement of the previous weekend. Suzanne had done her best, as far as possible, to return me to the condition in which she’d found me on the previous Saturday morning. She successfully cleared away all traces of the acrylic nail tips, and, as it was winter, I was able to ensure that my shaven arms and legs would remain covered. The one thing I couldn’t hide, however, was my pierced ears. I suggested that we should let the holes close up, but Suzanne insisted that Clare would need them again the next weekend and told me to wear the studs at night and two tiny pieces of clear nylon fishing line to keep them open during the day. We just had to hope that nobody would notice, and certainly nobody at my work passed comment, if they did so. It was fairly busy at the office that week and on a couple of occasions, I worked late, which was helpful as I wished to leave early on Friday afternoon. In fact, by Thursday afternoon I’d clocked up sufficient extra hours for my boss Karen to agree that I could leave at lunchtime the following day.
Suzanne telephoned me on Thursday evening, as she’d earlier promised to do.
‘Hi Tom, I trust we’re still on for Saturday evening? I’ve told my friends that my cousin will be staying for the weekend.’
‘I guess so, although I still have my reservations about what you’re planning to do,’ I replied.
‘Don’t worry, you’ll be alright as long as we both prepare ourselves properly. Can you come round to my place after work tomorrow and stay the night, so we have plenty of time to get ready?
‘Yes, I suppose so. Actually I’m having Friday afternoon off work and so I could arrive any time after about 2.30pm.’
‘That’s brilliant, please come as early as you can. Will you also still be able to stay over until Sunday evening again?’
‘I hadn’t really thought about Sunday.’
‘I hope you can. If all goes well, I should like to take you out to celebrate our success.’
‘And what if all goes badly?’ l asked
‘Well in that case you can take me out to commiserate.’
‘I could stay, if you wish as I’ve nothing else planned and it’ll inevitably take a few hours for me to change back to Tom after the dinner.’
‘That’s agreed then. I’ve been sorting out my spare bedroom and have found some more clothes for Clare to wear. By the way how are your ear lobes feeling?’
‘They’re alright, I think. They were a little sore for a couple of days but now I have no trouble putting in and taking out those studs that you gave me.’
‘That’s good, because I’ve found just the right pair of earrings for Clare to wear with my long grey dress on Saturday night. We’ll do as much of the basic preparation as soon as you arrive on Friday afternoon and evening which will leave you plenty of time to get into character and for us both to make ourselves look glamorous on Saturday afternoon.’
‘What do I need to bring with me?’
‘Nothing at all — just bring yourself with as few clothes as would be necessary to avoid pneumonia, adverse comment on the underground or arrest in the street. There must be as little evidence of Tom around the flat as possible. Also, from the time you arrive until the time you leave, there must be no reference to anyone except my cousin Clare.’
‘Very well, I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon,’ I answered laughing.
‘Are you planning to do anything special this weekend Tom?’ asked my colleague Debbie, as I was getting ready to leave work on Friday lunchtime.
‘I’ll be staying with my friend Suzanne, the one who suffers from muscular dystrophy. I’m helping her to organise a dinner party on Saturday night,’ I answered.
‘That’s very noble of you. Who will be doing the cooking?’
‘Suzanne can still manage to cook by herself, I’ll just be the helper.’
‘So you’ll just be acting as kitchen maid and waitress?’ she asked.
‘Something like that,’ I answered, blushing.
‘In that case, you can tell me how it went on Monday, there’s only going to be the two of us in the office in the morning so we’ll need something to talk about,’ she said as I left.
On the way home I wondered whether there was any significance in her choice of the feminine forms in her questions to me. Did she suspect something or was I just being paranoid? Was there something in my looks or manner that had given her a clue to our plans, or was it just a fluke? Would it matter if she did know about Clare? After all, she’d previously made it quite clear that whilst she was happy to be friends with me, there would be nothing else between us.
I arrived at Suzanne’s flat at the promised time having first been home and changed into some jeans, a t-shirt and jacket. I was carrying a bunch of flowers and a bottle of white wine.
‘Here you are Suzanne; these are for your dinner party tomorrow.’
‘Tom I thought I told you not to bring anything.’
‘Yes I know, but these are contributions from Clare rather than from Tom,’ I said pointing to the label on the flowers, which contained that name. ‘She wanted to thank you for last weekend.’
Suzanne smiled.
‘In that case you’d better come in and get changed so that I can thank her in person for offering to help me this weekend,’ she replied.
I entered the flat.
‘I’ve put out some clothes and cosmetics for you in the spare room,’ said Suzanne. ‘I should like you to get changed and put on your makeup straight away. You’ll find a small suitcase next to your bed, please put the clothes that you’re now wearing inside and then leave it outside your bedroom door, and I’ll lock it away in my bedroom so there will be no danger of it being found.’
‘You just want to make sure that I don’t have any last minute attack of nerves,’ I said smiling.
‘Well that’s also a factor! By the way, will we need to de-fuzz your arms and legs again?’ she asked.
‘No, I had a bath last night and did them myself using a safety razor’ I replied.
‘What a clever girl you are?’
‘No I’m a guy when I’m dressed like this, remember?’
‘Sorry, but you had now better get yourself changed into a girl as quickly as possible.’
An hour and a half later I emerged from the bedroom dressed in a silk blouse, black skirt, tights, slippers and the earrings, I’d previously worn. I’d also brushed the hair of Suzanne’s wig into a simple style.
‘I’ve done my best with my eye makeup but I think I’ll need your help again tomorrow.’
‘Hmm, your eye shadow and the mascara are acceptable but the eye liner isn’t quite right, but don’t worry it’ll come with practice. Your foundation and your lips look good though,’ she commented.
‘Thanks, I bought myself some mascara and a lipstick after work on Monday and have been trying them out at home in the evenings’ I replied, blushing a little, but pleased with the compliment.
‘I thought your eyelashes looked a little fuller and darker than they did last week, but there was really no need for you to buy anything. I could have provided you with everything you might need. I’ve masses of cosmetics, most of which have never been used and I’ll not live long enough to use them.’
I changed the subject, not wishing to dwell on the future.
‘I’ve also been studying the way that women walk, both at work and on television and I’ve been practicing.’
‘Good, but be subtle, don’t accentuate the differences too much.’
‘Will you also help me to do my finger nails again?’ I asked in a matter-of-fact way
‘Yes of course, we can do them this evening as soon as we’ve eaten dinner. I must say Clare you’ve made a pretty good job with your appearance today,’ she commented.
'So you think that I look quite nice,' I said with a smile.
'Very nice indeed.'
Over dinner Suzanne briefed her ‘new cousin’ about everything I might need to know concerning Clare’s background. From time to time I would ask her for clarification, and I made some notes of the key facts.
‘Your name is Clare Alice Simpson; you were born 13th October 1983 (so that means you’re just twenty-three years old). ‘You were born in Melbourne Australia but came to this country as a baby (which explains why you don’t have an Australian accent). You currently live with your mother at 162 Station Road, Loughborough in Leicestershire. Have you ever been there?’
‘Actually yes, I have two cousins living at a place called Shepshed, which isn’t very far away,’ I said. ‘I stayed with them last summer and we went into Loughborough shopping on a couple of occasions.’
‘That’s lucky because I’ve only been there once myself and I’m fairly sure that neither of my friends knows the town.’
‘But do I look old enough to be twenty-three?’ I asked Clare.
‘I think so, you certainly look a year or two older as Clare, than you used to do as Tom, especially when you're dressed up and wearing makeup,’ answered Suzanne. ‘Your mother is named Helen; she was the younger sister of my late mother who was called Elizabeth. You work as a secretary and receptionist for a small company in the town. We don’t know one another very well and have only met on a couple of occasions when we were children.’
‘Do I have a boyfriend?’
‘That’s up to you to decide. I’ve told you everything that I’ve already said to Christine and Eleanor and so you’re welcome to fill in the gaps as you choose. If they ask you any question to which you don’t know the answer, then you’ll probably be fairly safe to invent one. However, I would advise you not to get too carried away and to try and keep your story as simple as you can so you don’t get caught out.’
‘Alright but I think you’d also better explain to me what I’m doing here this weekend,’ I said.
‘Your mother has recently heard that I’ve been ill. You were planning to come down to London for another reason (you can decide what this is) and so your mother has asked you to make contact to see how I am and if there’s anything they can do to help. When you telephoned me last week suggesting that we meet, I told you about my dinner party and invited you to stay for the weekend. Can you remember all that?’
‘Yes I think so. I’ll try to portray her as a quiet little mouse with a boring life,’ I replied.
‘No, not too boring! Remember that you look fairly attractive and sophisticated as a girl, so it would be natural for you to be fairly self-confident as well,’ said Suzanne smiling.
‘In that case maybe I ought to invent a boyfriend for myself.’
‘Perhaps it would be better if you were just getting over the break-up of a relationship, that way they’ll not ask you too many questions about him.’
‘Very well, I’ll do my best,’ I answered.
‘Just one last thing, you can use the handbag that I loaned you last weekend, which is in your room. Have a quick look to familiarise yourself with what is inside. When you go to the bathroom, remember to take your handbag and refresh your lipstick. You’ll also find a purse with a chequebook and bank debit card in the name of Miss C.A. Simpson. You’ll find the signature is quite straightforward and easy to copy. If you get the opportunity, I would like you to write out and hand me a cheque during the course of the evening,’
‘Why is that?’
‘After you’ve given it to me I’ll put it up on the mantel piece where the others would be able to see. It’ll be just one more means of confirming your identity, if there’s any doubt in their minds.’
‘Suzanne, why do you have a bank account in the name of a fictitious cousin?’
‘It’s a long story — but a few years ago I needed to live under a false identity for a few weeks to prevent a former boyfriend from finding me, and so I opened an account in the name of Clare Simpson, who was a couple of years younger than me. In those days it was far easier to open new bank accounts than it is now and they didn't ask for multiple proofs of identity. I’ve never had cause to close the account and so I use it for financial transactions from time to time.’
‘Is that legal?’ I asked.
‘I don’t know, but as long as the account doesn’t go into the red and I don’t try and cheat anyone using it, then nobody is likely to find out,’ she replied.
After dinner Suzanne again attached the acrylic extensions to my finger nails and then carefully polished them so that the joins were not visible.
‘It’s best for us to do this now so at least you can spend some time getting used to them before tomorrow evening. I know they’re a little bit awkward to wear, but they do make a lot of difference to the appearance of your hands.’
‘So I see. I must admit that they do feel quite 'nice, as well,’ I said admiring my outstretched hand. ‘What else would you like me to do for you tomorrow?’
‘Would you be willing to do some last minute shopping for me in the supermarket in the morning, whilst I begin to get the meal ready?’
‘I suppose so, as long as you’ll check out my makeup and hair before I go.’
‘Thanks, and when you return you can help me to organise the room and lay the table.’
The following morning I was washed, dressed and ready to go out by 10.00am, and my hair and makeup only required a little remedial action by Suzanne.
‘You’re becoming quite competent with your makeup, and I get the distinct impression that you enjoy making yourself look pretty,’ commented Suzanne.
‘Maybe, just a little,’ I answered, blushing.
The trip to the supermarket proved to be fairly uneventful. There were plenty of people around, but nobody seemed to look at me in an untoward way, just the occasional admiring glance from young men as I passed. At first I found this to be a little disconcerting, but then I told myself it was something which all girls experienced to some degree. I spent a little time at the makeup counter, without the intention of buying anything, but to get an idea of the range of products on sale. This was something I’d never be able to do without embarrassment if I were dressed as a young man. When it came to the checkout I paid by means of the switch card in Clare’s name, which Suzanne had provided, entering her pin number. I then carried the shopping home. It wasn’t far, but with the shopping bags I wished I’d chosen to wear some lower heels.
Once I returned to the flat I helped Suzanne to prepare the dishes and get her flat ready for the dinner party. By half past four all the preparations for the dinner that could be carried out in advance were complete: the meal was safely cooking in the oven and the table had been laid.
‘Alright young lady, it’s time for us to help one another to get ready for the ball. Please will you clean off your makeup with this cold cream, take off the wig and then hop into the shower, I’ve already laid out your clothes for this evening on the spare bed. When you’ve finished in the shower, get yourself dressed as far as your underclothes and then I’ll come and help you to put on your makeup.
I did as I was instructed, once again inserting the false breasts into my bra and putting on the lingerie, this time without any difficulty. Whilst I waited for Suzanne to take a shower and get dressed, I looked at myself in the mirror in the spare bedroom. I wasn’t wearing any makeup or a wig, just the dark blue underclothes and a pair of stockings and some slippers, but there was no doubt that I looked like a young woman. As I did so, I wasn’t aware that Suzanne had appeared at the bedroom door in her underclothes, and had been watching me examine my reflection.
‘You make quite an attractive young woman, even without the makeup,’ she commented.
‘As long as I can convince your friends.’
‘How are you feeling now?’ she asked.
‘A little nervous, but I suppose I’m alright. How about yourself?’
‘I’m ok thanks. Now Clare, are you sure that you’re willing to go ahead with my plan?’
‘Well I’ve come this far and so I may as well go through with it now,’ I answered.
‘As I said before, I’m really grateful to you, and who knows you may even have a good time this evening?’
‘I’ll decide about that after your visitors have left without having discovered my true sex.’
‘Alright then, sit yourself down and I’ll help you to put on your wig and some makeup.’
Despite her recent loss of mobility, and difficulty in lifting weights, Suzanne was still perfectly competent in the use of makeup and hair styling, and so over the next two hours she transformed both herself and myself into glamorous young women, once again explaining what she was doing at each stage. Suzanne also loaned me some long dangling earrings, together with a matching necklace and bracelet, and then helped me to put on the long grey dress and matching high-heeled shoes. I in turn helped her to put on her own bright red dress. In spite of her condition she still could look good.
‘So what do you think of yourself now Clare?’ asked Suzanne when we were finished.
‘I think we both look amazing!’ I said once again looking at myself in disbelief.
‘Well you certainly now look and sound the part, and with my perfume you also smell like a woman as well,’ commented Suzanne. ‘It’s now up to you to make sure you act like one as well.’
‘I promise to do my best both to act and also think like a woman,’ I replied.
‘Good, I believe you’ll do well this evening,’ said Suzanne patting me on the hand.
Chapter 5
Dinner at eight
Eleanor and Christine arrived at about seven o’clock armed with a bottle of wine and a large bunch of flowers. They were a couple of single women in their late twenties or early thirties who lived together, presumably in a lesbian relationship, although nobody actually said so. They’d been friendly with Suzanne for several years, and had stuck with her during her prolonged illness. Neither of them was at all mannish in her looks or deportment. In fact, in common with Suzanne, they both seemed to get pleasure from dressing up and looking nice.
Suzanne let them in to the flat using her automated door phone, whilst I was checking on the progress of the meal in the kitchen. As soon as I heard their conversation in the hall. I took a quick glance at myself in the kitchen mirror, just to make sure that I still looked alright, and took a deep breath.
Well, here goes! I thought to myself as I emerged, smiling.
‘This is my cousin Clare, from Loughborough, who will be staying with me for a few days,’ said Suzanne to the newcomers.
‘Hi, Clare,’ they both answered in unison, as they took off their outdoor coats.
‘I really like that dress you’re wearing, Clare,’ said Eleanor as we shook hands.
‘Thank you, it is nice, isn’t it, but I’m afraid it belongs to Suzanne and is only loaned to me for this evening. I’d no idea that I was going to be invited to a posh dinner party during my brief visit to London, or else I’d have brought something of my own to wear,’ I answered.
‘Yes, now you come to mention it I think I have seen it before, but it does suit you, all the same,’ she continued.
‘That’s exactly what I said,’ added Suzanne.
I smiled and blushed slightly at the compliment.
‘We organise these dinner parties from time to time; it gives us a chance to put on our best frocks, and also to have a gossip together,’ said Christine as we shook hands.
‘It sounds like good fun,’ I replied as I began to take the guests’ coats from them and hang them on the hooks by the front door.
‘Would you like me to deal with these flowers Suzanne?’ I asked, glad of any opportunity to withdraw from the limelight for a few minutes.
‘Oh yes please Clare, you’ll find a vase under the sink, but be careful not to splash water on my dress.’
‘Don’t worry! I promise to be careful.’
I picked up the bottle of wine and the flowers and took them through to the kitchen, whilst the others continued talking together. I put on Suzanne’s apron and began arranging flowers. This was one traditional feminine skill that I’d learned from my mother, and so five minutes later I was able return with quite an attractive arrangement, which I placed in the middle of the table, moving my own flowers from the previous afternoon to the sideboard. The others had clearly begun to discuss ‘my cousin’s’ medical condition.
‘So how have you been feeling this week Suzanne?’ asked Christine.
‘I’ve been pretty good for the last few weeks, thank you. The doctor tells me that my condition is currently in remission and that if I carry on this way I could well have a year or more of reasonably active life left to me,’ she said in a matter of fact way.
I looked across at her, knowing that what she’d just said was a lie.
‘But there’s still no prospect of any cure?’ asked Christine.
‘No, I’m afraid not. I lost any hope of that many months ago, and am now resigned to getting the most out of my remaining years of my life and making the best of the time left to me.’
Again, I realized that this was probably an exaggeration.
‘That’s why we’re both feeling so guilty about leaving you just now, but we have been waiting for the opportunity to go together for so long,’ said Christine.
‘I know, and you mustn’t feel guilty. You have your own lives to lead, and I know that you’ve been planning this trip for several years. In any event, you’ll only be gone for one or two years, and I’ve every intention of still being around when you get back and hearing all about your adventures, since I’ll never be able to travel again.’
‘We can keep in touch by phone and email and I suppose we could always come back if you needed us,’ added Eleanor.
‘Yes please do keep in touch, but I assure you that your offer of returning early will not be necessary.’
Then, wishing to change the subject, Suzanne turned towards me.
‘Clare, the dinner still has half an hour to cook, would you be an angel and get everyone a glass of wine whilst we are waiting.’
‘Of course,’ I answered smiling, glad of yet another excuse to withdraw from the conversation.
I poured the drinks, and later discovered that I would be expected to stand in for my ‘cousin’ as the practical hostess for the evening whilst Suzanne looked after the conversation. This suited me well as I could get on with things whilst the others continued their talking. I didn’t remain entirely in the background, however, and during pauses in the conversation I asked both of the visitors about their plans for Voluntary Service Overseas for the next year, where they were going and what they hoped to do whilst they were there. They, in turn, asked about my background and I added some more detail to the basic outline that Suzanne had given me. Neither of the visitors appeared to be suspicious of any of my answers.
‘So what is it that brings you up to London this week Clare?’ asked Eleanor.
‘I’m looking for a new job. I’ve recently ended a relationship with a work colleague that seemed to be going nowhere and I was beginning to feel a little claustrophobic living and working in Leicestershire. At first I thought I might try for a job in Birmingham, but that’s not far enough away to make a real break with the past, so I’ve decided to come down to London for a few days to see if I can find a suitable job. My mum made me promise to call in to see Suzanne whilst I was here, and, when I got in touch, she kindly offered to let me stay with her for a few days whilst I see what work is available.’
’That seemed to go down quite well,’ I thought.
‘What sort of work are you looking for?’ asked Christine.
‘General secretarial work - a personal assistant - that sort of thing. I might even consider a receptionist, but I’ve a few years of experience and have pretty good keyboard and computer skills,’ I answered. ‘I’ll start off by registering with a temp agency and then try and find somewhere to live.’
‘You shouldn’t have too much trouble finding suitable office work in central London, but finding decent and affordable accommodation may be more of a problem,’ commented Christine.
(I should perhaps explain to my readers that this was five years ago when such jobs were relatively easy to come by in London.)
Eleanor agreed with her friend with respect to the shortage of decent and affordable accommodation. Suzanne seized the opportunity to join in.
‘If you do get yourself a job, Clare, then you would be welcome to stay with me for a while, until you find something of your own. We seem to get on together and we could come to some arrangement over the rent.’
Christine exchanged a glance with Eleanor. I could see that they both approved of the idea.
‘Thanks for the offer, Suzanne,’ I said. ‘I may even take you up on it, at least until I can find myself something a little more permanent. However, I’ll have to see whether I can find a suitable job before committing myself.’
‘Well the offer is there if you wish to take it up.’
I smiled and thanked her. Things seemed to be going according to plan, and Suzanne appeared to be quite pleased with my performance so far.
‘By the way, here is a cheque for the forty pounds that you loaned me this morning when I went out shopping.’ I continued opening the handbag that she'd given to me.
I took the already completed cheque and handed it over, as previously arranged. Suzanne smiled and thanked me, and then asked Christine if she would mind putting it on the mantel piece for her for the time being. The name, Clare A Simpson, could easily be seen, if either of our visitors chose to look.
The remainder of the dinner went well. I served and our two guests helped to clear the table. Suzanne was an imaginative and capable cook, even though she sometimes now needed help in the kitchen. The conversation between the four of us gradually became more relaxed and friendly, oiled by wine. I deliberately restricted myself to a single glass in case I should let my guard down; and thereafter I stuck to drinking bottled water. The others seemed not to notice and shared a second bottle of wine and the beginning of a third, before having a liqueur with their coffees. Towards the end of the evening Suzanne asked me to fetch her camera and I took several pictures of the group, including one with me as well, using the timer. Eventually, at about 11.00 pm the two visitors offered to help with the washing up before they left.
‘No it’s all right thanks; we don’t want to spoil our dresses. Clare has kindly offered to help me with the clearing up tomorrow. You two can call yourselves a cab and get ready to leave.’
‘Alright then, as long as you’re both sure that’ll be ok,’ said Eleanor.
‘Yes of course it will,’ I said, ‘Suzanne did most of the cooking, so I’m happy to do the washing up, as long as it can wait until tomorrow morning.’
‘Alright then, but in return, why don’t the two of you come to our place for lunch tomorrow, it’ll save you having to prepare anything for yourselves?’ suggested Christine.
Eleanor nodded in agreement but I quickly answered for us both without even consulting Suzanne.
‘Thank you for the offer, but I’m afraid I’ve already arranged to take Suzanne out to lunch tomorrow as a ‘thank you’ for putting me up, and we’ve booked a table at a restaurant.’
‘That’s a pity,’ said Christine, what about the following Sunday?’
‘That will be fine by me, how about you Clare?’ answered Suzanne.
‘No I’m afraid I’ll be back in Loughborough before then, I’ve only taken a few days off work to have a preliminary look around London.’
‘Alright then, we’ll see you next Sunday then Suzanne.’
Ten minutes later the taxi had arrived. I fetched their coats and the two friends were just on the point of leaving.
‘Goodbye Clare, it has been so nice to meet you, and I hope you find a good job soon and decide to take up your cousin’s offer. Christine and I would be much happier to know that someone is keeping an eye on her,’ said Eleanor.
I smiled and thanked her.
‘I don’t need anyone to keep an eye on me’, commented Suzanne. ‘I only made the offer so that I could keep an eye on Clare and make sure she comes to no harm, if she does decide to move to London.’
‘Well in that case you can keep an eye on each other,’ said Christine.
‘We’ll have to see how things work out, but it was nice to meet you both,’ I answered, briefly exchanging a kiss on the cheeks with the two departing guests.
As soon as our guests had left I let out an audible sigh of relief.
‘Well Suzanne, so how did I do?’ I asked with a satisfied smile.
‘Clare, as you know perfectly well, you were brilliant. Not only were you lively and interesting company but I’m also sure that neither of them had the slightest suspicion about your origins,’ said Suzanne smiling.
‘Thank you, I must admit to being rather pleased with the way things went tonight, but I was anxious all the time that I might let down my guard and say something to give myself away. Do you mind if I have another drink of wine now to calm my nerves?’
‘Not at all, I’m not feeling particularly sleepy and so we can finish the bottle together.’
Suzanne poured me a drink and then one for herself.
‘I’m sorry that I stepped in and refused their offer of Sunday lunch tomorrow, but I thought it might be more difficult to keep up the pretence in broad daylight.’
Suzanne laughed.
‘Don’t worry, I can just as easily go the following week, but what was all that about going out to a restaurant tomorrow?’ asked Suzanne.
‘I just needed to think of an excuse quickly.’
‘Alright but I’m sure you would have been just as successful if we had decided to go. You’re much better than I ever expected you to be when I cooked up this crazy scheme. Where on earth did you learn to act so well?’
I shrugged.
‘I don’t know really, but once I got in to the character it just seemed to come naturally to me; it was almost as if I’d become another person. I think the fact that I looked and sounded the part also helped,’ she replied.
‘Yes, you do look and sound like a girl; most of the time that you’re dressed as Clare, I tend to forget that there ever was a young man called Tom,’ added Suzanne.
‘I suppose I should accept that as a compliment,’ I said blushing a little.
‘It was meant to be one. Tom is generous and kind but Clare strikes me as having a livelier and more interesting personality.’
I wasn’t sure whether I should feel flattered or upset by Suzanne’s comment so I sought to change the subject.’
‘Well your friends appear to have accepted our explanation of my presence in London.’
‘Yes, that was also a good story of yours about coming down to look for a new job, I even began to believe it myself.’
‘But won’t they now want to know what happened to me the next time they meet you?’
‘Yes probably they will, but they’re both scheduled to leave the country in early January and so I’m sure that I can make up some convincing story about you starting work in London at about the same time as they leave.’
‘As long as you will truly be alright living on your own once your friends have left,’ I said.
‘Don’t worry about me, Clare, I’ll be fine. I’m determined to stay independent for as long as I can,’ she answered.
‘I suppose Tom only lives a few streets away and he could pop in from time to time.’
‘Or indeed Clare would be welcome to come and stay, whenever she wants.’
‘It’s a pity that you don’t have a young cousin who could share your flat with you and keep an eye on you,’ I said.
‘Well there could be a vacancy for anyone who was prepared to live under the name of Clare Simpson, if you were interested in taking on the role,’ said Suzanne looking seriously into my eyes.
‘I don’t think so, thanks all the same,’ I answered dismissing the idea. ‘I may have been able to get away with being Clare for one evening but it would be a different matter to do it full-time, and in any event I already have a job and a flat, and what would I tell my father?’
‘Well the offer is open for a while if you ever want to reconsider,’ said Suzanne smiling.
It was an intriguing thought, but not a realistic one, so I didn’t answer, and Suzanne changed the subject
‘What are you going to do now young lady? I take it that you’re going to stay the night again and get changed in the morning?’
‘Yes please, I can’t very well go back to my flat dressed like this, just in case I should meet with one of the neighbours’. In any event, I’ve already promised to help you with the clearing up tomorrow.’
‘Good, in that case let us both get ourselves ready for bed and we can decide what we’re going to do tomorrow morning. The wine is beginning to have its effect on me. Will you need my help in getting undressed and removing your makeup?’
‘No I think I should be alright tonight thanks.’
‘In that case I’ll say goodnight Clare, and thank you again for all your help this weekend!’ said Suzanne holding my hand to steady her and then kissing me on the cheek.
‘Goodnight Suzanne, and thank you for inviting me to such a delicious meal with your friends.’
She smiled and made her way slowly to her bedroom.
It took me more than three quarters of an hour for me to clean off my makeup, moisturize my skin, remove my earrings (replacing them with the pair of studs) and get changed into the nightdress which Suzanne had provided for me. But as soon as my head hit the pillow I fell fast asleep.
I had two particularly vivid dreams that night, or at least two which I was able to remember clearly afterwards. These were no doubt the result of all the nervous energy that I’d expended during the course of the evening. In my first dream I was dressed only in the lingerie loaned to me by Suzanne but was in the playground of my old school. Inevitably I was feeling both exposed and embarrassed about the way I was dressed especially as there were lots of people there whom I knew from my childhood. I could also see my mother and father standing at the school gate. Yet nobody seemed to be taking any particular notice of me or my attire. In my second dream, I was dressed in a beautiful long white ball gown, had long styled hair and immaculate makeup. I was at some form of social gathering, talking happily to my three colleagues from work, who were dressed up as well. Suzanne was there too, sitting at a table nearby, but looking happy and healthy. Once again, nobody appeared to react strangely towards me or see anything particularly out of the ordinary in my appearance.
Chapter 6
Sunday lunch
I woke up at 7.00 am the next morning and lay in bed for some time recalling my dreams from the previous night, trying to work out what they meant. The first one had started out as a typical ‘anxiety dream,’ but in the end was just strange. I was half-dressed in women’s underwear, yet nobody took any notice of me and my initial worries disappeared. In the second dream, I’d looked good, felt good and was completely accepted by my friends and colleagues. I assumed this was due to my having passed so successfully at the dinner party the previous evening. I recalled the events and conversation of the previous night and was pleased that I hadn’t let Suzanne down.
I was still not used to the feeling of my smooth and hairless legs and arms against the pink satin of the nightdress that I was wearing. It was a nice feeling, although my ears also felt different and ached a little. I sat up in bed and touched my ears, realising that they had a pair of studs in them, and then I looked at my finger nails and noted how beautifully shaped and lacquered they were once again. I got up and looked at myself in the mirror of the dressing table. It struck me how feminine I looked, even without the long wig or the padded bra, both of which were lying in front of me on the dressing table together with various items of makeup left from the previous night.
I emerged from the spare bedroom and surveyed the remains of our dinner party from the previous night, which I’d promised to help clear up. There was no sound of Suzanne in the flat, so I took the towel, flannel and toothbrush that I’d been given when I arrived on Friday afternoon and went to take a shower.
Fifteen minutes later I’d finished my shower and started to look for some clothes to wear. Suzanne had taken away Tom’s clothes on Friday afternoon and had them locked away in her room. There were however, quite a number of Suzanne’s things which she had transferred to the spare room and had informed me that I was welcome to wear. I put on the underwear from the previous night as it had been worn only for a few hours and then looked for something that wasn’t too girly in the bedroom drawers, as I intended to do the clearing up and didn’t want to spoil any of her nice clothes. Eventually I found a black pair of slacks, a pink, jumper, some white socks and the pink furry slippers that she had previously loaned to me. Once I was dressed I began to clear up the mess that we’d left behind the previous evening. By the time I’d finished doing so there was still no sign of Suzanne waking, and so I went back to the spare room, and put on some lipstick mascara and a little eye-shadow. By 9.30am the dishwasher had completed its cycle and after putting everything away I was feeling quite hungry, so I started to make some coffee and toast. It must have been the smell of the coffee which finally roused Suzanne.
‘Hi Clare,’ she said, coming from her room with the help of her crutches. ‘I’d not realised that I would be seeing you again today.’
‘Well, if you remember, you hijacked all of Tom’s clothes on Friday and I didn’t feel comfortable walking round in a frilly night dress.’
‘I’m sorry, I’d forgotten all about them, but if you’ll just give me a couple of minutes to get up and go to the loo and I’ll join you for some breakfast, then Tom can have his clothes back.’
For some reason we had both gotten into the habit of referring to Tom in the third person whenever Clare was around.
Ten minutes later we were sitting down to breakfast together, with Suzanne in her dressing gown and myself, fully dressed.
‘Thank you very much for doing all the clearing up for me, Clare, I was feeling pretty tired after all of our efforts last night.’
‘And after all the wine that we drunk,’ I answered laughing. ‘I woke up quite early this morning and was feeling really alert so I thought I might as well make a start on the dishes.’
‘I must say you’ve dressed yourself ‘nicely’ again this morning, Cousin Clare,’ continued Suzanne with a slight emphasis on the word ‘nicely’. ‘Why you’ve even put on some makeup and some earrings.’
‘I was worried in case someone should come to your door.’
‘I see,’ she said, sounding unconvinced.
I tried to think of something to say in reply, but was unable to do so.
‘So what are we going to do today?’ asked Suzanne as she drank a second cup of coffee. ‘After all your efforts yesterday, I think you should decide.’
‘As it’s quite a nice day outside, why don’t I treat you to that Sunday lunch that I mentioned last night,’ I suggested.
‘That would be very nice, thank you. Where would you like us to go?
‘I suggest we go somewhere nearby; that is, if you know of anywhere suitable for your wheelchair.’
‘There’s an Indian restaurant in the High Street that runs a buffet on Sundays and which isn’t too expensive.’
‘Alright then.’
I was relieved by the words ‘isn’t too expensive’; Suzanne knew that I didn’t have a lot of money left over after paying my rent each week.
‘But tell me, will I be going out to lunch with Clare or Tom?’ asked Suzanne.
I hesitated for a moment knowing what I wanted to say, but in the end copped out.
‘I don’t mind, I’ll leave it to you to decide whom you would prefer to go out with,’ I answered.
Suzanne appeared to think hard before answering.
‘On balance, and since you’ve given me the choice, I think I’d prefer to go out with Clare again, as long as Tom will not be upset by my decision. Tom is a too young to be my boyfriend and conversation with him can be a little bit stilted, but I really enjoyed my cousin Clare’s company as we were getting ourselves ready yesterday.’
‘No, Tom will not be upset, as long as you promise to help him to change back later this afternoon,’ I replied with a gentle sigh.
I suspect that she realised that I wasn’t particularly sorry about her choice.
‘Of course I will, and what is more, if you come out as Clare, you may use her debit card that I loaned you last night to pay for the meal.’
‘No Suzanne, this can be my treat.’
‘You can hardly hand over Tom’s debit card when you’re dressed as Clare.’
‘Oh, I hadn’t thought of that, but I could go to a cash dispenser beforehand and withdraw some cash,’ I suggested
‘Please Clare, I can afford it and it’ll be nice to go out with my young cousin. You can do the business of paying the bill, but using Clare’s debit card. After breakfast, I suggest that you put on a dress and some tights and also put on a little more makeup whilst I get myself showered and ready to go out.’
Suzanne went to have her shower whilst I found something else to wear and went back to her dressing table where I struggled to make up my face once again. After a few minutes I had to stop to answer the telephone as Suzanne was still washing.
‘Hi Clare, it’s Elaine from last night,’ said a cheerful voice. ‘Is Suzanne there?’
‘I’m afraid she’s still in the shower and will be for a little time yet. Can I get her to ring you back later when she’s fully dressed?’
‘Yes of course, and by the way, it was nice to meet you last night.’
‘And you too,’ I replied.
I passed the message on to Suzanne in the shower before returning to the dressing table to continue my struggles with eye-liner. At least I now knew what I was doing and each time I tried I became a little more proficient in using cosmetics and in styling my hair. An hour later I was at last fairly satisfied with my appearance, even without any intervention from Suzanne. I went in to sit with my cousin who was just finishing her own makeup despite having spent half an hour chatting on the phone to her friend.
‘My friends were both most impressed with my young cousin’.
‘That’s nice; I quite enjoyed their company once I’d got over my nerves.’
‘Come over and let me have a look at your face,’ said Suzanne.
I did as I was instructed.
‘Hm! That’s not bad at all, you seem to be becoming proficient, and have not made the usual beginner’s mistake of putting on far too much,’ commented Suzanne as she finished her inspection.
‘Maybe but it always seems to take me an awfully long time,’ I replied.
‘Don’t worry you’ll soon speed up with a little more practice,’ she said in a matter-of-fact way.
Suzanne asked me to bring her two winter coats, and to help her to put one on. The other was for me to wear.
‘Now, have you brought everything you might need: lipstick, tissues, powder compact, and Clare’s debit card?’ she asked.
I checked the purse in her handbag and confirmed that I had.
‘The pin number is 5874.’
‘You’re very trusting — what is to stop me from running off with the full contents of the account?’ I asked.
‘Nothing, but you would have to do so as Clare. In any event you’ll find that there’s not a great deal more money in the account and there is a £300 per day withdrawal limit.’
I’d chosen a pair of shoes for myself with flat heels.
‘I don’t think you should wear those, Clare, until you are a little bit more experienced at going out as a woman. Find yourself a pair of medium heels, as they will tend to make you walk in smaller steps.’
I found a compromise pair of medium-heeled shoes and put them on. At least they weren’t as bad as the high heels I’d worn the night before.
At midday we left the flat and took a leisurely stroll down the Portobello Road, with me pushing Suzanne’s wheelchair. The road was crowded but it was also closed to motor vehicles whilst the market was on. It was a cold, but clear and dry day as we visited several stalls and shops in the area. Suzanne was on good form once again, cheerfully chatting to myself and the stall-holders that we met. She even bought herself several items of cosmetics, which amazed me given that she already had so many, and also a pair of gold studs with little blue butterflies. She handed over the memory card from her camera at a photographic shop and ordered two sets of the prints. As soon as they were ready she gave one set to me.
‘There you are, they will be a small memento of your last two weekends as Clare,’ she said.
‘Thank you,’ I said and began to examine the photographs.
They really were quite good. Suzanne owned a good quality camera, and we were both quite photogenic, knowing instinctively how best to pose. I then put them in my handbag.
We found the restaurant that could cope with Suzanne’s wheelchair, and were shown to a table in a quiet corner, where our conversation couldn’t be overheard. As it was a buffet style, Suzanne explained to me what she wanted to eat, and I served her before returning to fill my own plate.
‘So how are you feeling this morning, Clare?’ asked Suzanne.
‘Alright I suppose, I’ve had an interesting and enjoyable time looking around the market but I’m still not used to wearing heels and my feet are now beginning to ache.’
‘You just need a little more practice and for your calf muscles to adjust. I must say though that you seem to be much more confident this week compared to last Sunday and continue to make a remarkably convincing young woman.’
‘So I have been behaving ‘nicely’ again today.’
‘Absolutely, I haven’t noticed any trace of ‘awkwardness’ all day.’
‘Thanks. I suppose I am feeling a little more confident after our success last night, but I still have to concentrate in order to act, walk and talk like a woman as it would be really embarrassing to be publicly unmasked.’
‘Believe me Clare there’s not been a single person we’ve met this morning who has doubted your sex for a second. Also, although you were under scrutiny for several hours by Christine and Eleanor last night, neither of them had any suspicions about you. They would have said something to me this morning if they’d done so.’
‘So exactly what did they say to you this morning?’
‘That my cousin seemed to be a lovely young woman and they hoped that you can find yourself a suitable job in London and come and share my flat with me.’
I blushed again.
‘Suzanne, I’m afraid that’s not going to happen, I already have a job and a flat as Tom.’
‘I know that,’ she answered in a subdued voice.
We both sat quietly eating our meals for a minute or two and then we both started to talk simultaneously. I offered to let Suzanne speak first, but she insisted on giving way to me.
‘Suzanne, … although I may have complained about it, I must admit I’ve enjoyed myself as Clare over the last two weekends. If you would like me to stand in as your cousin again at some time in the future, I suppose I would be willing to do so.’
My friend’s face lit up.
‘Really Clare! You have just answered the question that I was about to ask you. In that case would you be willing to take me Christmas shopping in Regent Street one Saturday soon? I honestly believe that this will be my last Christmas and so I want to celebrate it properly.’
‘Yes of course, I’d be happy to do so, but I could just as easily do that dressed as Tom.’
‘No, I’m afraid it will have to be as Clare since you’ll need to help me in the ladies’ changing rooms.’
‘In that case I’ll be pleased to do so, but you’ll have to loan me some clothes, and particularly some more comfortable shoes, to wear for the day’
‘There’s no problem there. What is more I’ll also treat you to some brand new undies as a thank you for everything you’ve done for me this weekend.’
‘So when would you like us to go shopping?’
‘I’d rather not leave it too late. How would Saturday week, the 9th December suit you?’
‘Unfortunately you’ve chosen the only Saturday between now and Christmas when I’m not free. My father and his new lady-friend are going away on a 3-week cruise for Christmas and the New Year and so I’ve promised to spend that weekend with them in Newcastle before they leave. However, I could manage next Saturday or else the 16th December, or indeed any other day in December after that as I have ten days of my annual leave remaining, which together with the Christmas Bank Holidays will mean that I will not have to go back to work until after the New Year.’
‘Alright then Clare, shall we go Christmas shopping next Saturday, before the shops get too busy?’
I nodded. Suzanne continued to look pleased.
‘We’ll need to leave quite early, so perhaps you wouldn’t mind staying at my flat again next Friday evening.’
‘Alright then, but I’ll also have to leave before Sunday lunchtime as you’re due to have lunch with your two friends on that day.’
‘You could always change your mind and join us for lunch, after all the invitation was originally extended to you as well.’
‘Let me think about that over the next week, it might involve difficult explanations, but I’ll be happy to take you shopping next Saturday.’
‘That’s great Clare. As soon as we’ve finished lunch we’ll go out and buy a new set of lingerie for you to wear next Saturday.’
We arrived back at Suzanne’s flat at about 4.30pm with various other purchases made during the course of the afternoon. After a quick cup of tea, Suzanne began the process of transforming me back into Tom. She returned my clothes to me and then helped me to remove the makeup and long finger nails.
‘So it’s goodbye for now cousin Clare’, said Suzanne as she began the transition. ‘I’m looking forward to seeing you again next week.’
‘Me too,’ I answered.
‘Tom, make sure that you keep wearing your studs this week so that you can keep the holes open and we don’t have to pierce your ears again next week,’ said Suzanne, as I was about to leave.
She also handed over the studs that she’d purchased in the market earlier that day.
‘These are for you to put in each night.’
‘Alright, but what do I do when I go in to work tomorrow morning?’ I asked.
‘Surely there must be some other guy at your office who wears studs in his ears?’
‘No, there are only four of us in the office and the others are all women.’
‘I’m sure they wouldn’t object if you were to wear them.’
‘Maybe not, but it would attract attention to me and might give rise to awkward questions.’
‘Well, if you must take them out, do so only at work and put them back in as soon as possible afterwards,’ said Suzanne. ‘I’m only trying to make it less uncomfortable for you next week.’
‘Alright then, I’ll try’ I answered.
‘Just one other thing,’ said Suzanne handing me a small makeup case.
‘What’s that?’
‘Tom, here are various items of makeup and some cleansing pads which I bought for you today. I should like you to practice making up your face just as I’ve shown you. Try to make up your face every night this week until you’re able to do it quickly and proficiently. Then there will be one thing less for us to worry about next weekend.’
‘Suzanne, you bought all these things some time before I even agreed to go out with you as Clare next week.’
‘Yes, I know, I was frantically trying to think of a way of persuading you, but then you volunteered before I’d a chance to do so.’
I sighed.
‘Will you promise to do that for me?’ she asked.
‘Yes, I suppose so, but won’t I also need to have the wig as well’ I replied.
‘By all means, please take it so you can also practice styling your hair as well’
She went into the spare bedroom and came out a plastic carrier bag which she gave to me; inside there were several items of clothing and the wig.
‘What about the clothes?’
‘If you’re going wear the wig as well you may find it easier to practice dressed as Clare rather than as Tom. There are only a few basic items; you must decide whether or not to wear them. Maybe if you do decide to dress as Clare you could contact me on Skype during the week, if your computer has a webcam.’
‘Alright, we’ll see how I feel during the week’, I said.
‘Goodbye Tom, I’m really looking forward to seeing my cousin Clare again next Friday evening,’ she said kissing me on the cheek.
I returned to my small bed-sit a few streets away feeling decidedly confused, but I also had the distinct feeling that I had no regrets about my weekend.
Chapter 7
With Debbie at work
I was the office junior at work having only been appointed to a one year contract at the beginning of March, and I was also the only male on the staff. Karen, who was in her early thirties was in charge, Helen who was a few years older was the second in command, and then there was Debbie who was only a couple of years older than me. She worked hard and was good at her job but liked to chat a lot at the same time. She was always keen to discuss what everyone had done over the weekend, although I rarely had much of interest to contribute in return. All the same, I enjoyed my work and got on well with my three colleagues and got the impression that they appreciated my efforts. The main disadvantage with the job had been that I’d not been permitted to take any paid leave until I’d completed my first six months of probation, which meant that I had a sizable chunk of leave entitlement remaining which I planned to take from mid-December, as by then the pre-Christmas rush was over. I’d originally planned to return to Northumberland for a couple of weeks and it was only after I’d arranged everything at work that my Dad informed me that he would be going away for Christmas and the New Year.
I arrived at my job at the usual time on Monday morning, having first carefully taken out the studs from my ears, and scrutinised my face to ensure that we’d removed all trace of the makeup from the previous day. On this occasion our two seniors were out visiting clients and so I had Debbie’s undivided attention, although after various non-committal replies in answer to her enquiries about the dinner party on Saturday, she gave up her attempts at making conversation. Mid-way through the morning, we stopped work for a while to have a cup of coffee. After a few minutes of awkward silence Debbie decided to try again on a new subject.
‘Tom, if you’re going to have pierced ears then you’ll need to put in a pair of studs to stop the holes from closing up,’ she commented in a matter-of-fact way.
I coloured a little, wondering what to say.
‘You’re very observant. I do have a pair of studs which I’ve been wearing at night but they’re a little too ‘girly’ looking for me to wear in the office,’ I replied.
She smiled.
‘I’ve some transparent nylon sleepers that I could put in for you if you wish. Once they’re in place they’ll barely be noticeable, but they will stop the holes from closing.’
I agreed and she found them in a small tin box, which she kept in her handbag. She drew close and started to insert the tiny pieces of plastic into the holes in my ear lobes. As she did so she looked closely into my eyes.
‘If you’re worried about looking girly then why did you pluck your eyebrows?’
My cheeks were now bright red with embarrassment.
‘Your eyelashes also seem to be darker than they were before. Just what have you been doing over the weekend, Tom?’ she demanded.
I sighed, then answered.
‘It’s a long and complicated story.’
Her face brightened up at the prospect.
‘Good! In that case you can tell me all about it. It’ll give us something interesting to talk about this morning, for once,’ she said.
‘If I do tell, you must first promise me not to tell the others.’
‘Alright then, I’ll promise, but in that case you had better give me the whole story before either of them returns.’
Over the next hour or so I told Debbie about my last two weekends and even showed her the photos of Clare taken by Suzanne.
‘Tom these are amazing, you look so much like a young woman that I’d never have guessed it was you, or indeed any bloke.’
I was still blushing slightly, but also feeling quite pleased by her reaction.
‘I suppose I did look fairly good by the time Suzanne had finished with my makeup,’ I commented diffidently.
‘And you also managed to persuade two of her friends that your name was really Clare?’ she said a little incredulously.
‘Yes, I believe so, at least they showed no signs of having any suspicions about me,’ I added.
‘That’s such a bizarre story, and what did you feel about it all?’ she asked.
I shrugged my shoulders.
‘At first I was a little anxious about the idea and was frightened that I would be found out. However, as time went on, I got used to wearing the clothes and makeup and began to relax a little. I even began to feel like a different person and gained in self-confidence, so in the end I had quite a good time during my evening as Clare.’
Debbie smiled and shook her head.
‘Yes you must have enjoyed yourself as you went out in public dressed as Clare on the two Sundays as well?’
‘The first occasion was just a trial to see how I got on and whether I would be recognised. Yesterday Suzanne took me out for lunch to thank me for standing in as her cousin, and to celebrate our success. I must admit to having had a really good time.’
‘Did anyone recognise you then, as you were in broad daylight?’
‘No, I don’t think so. I was aware of some people looking at me, at first, but not in a nasty or sneering way. I don’t believe anyone recognised me as a man dressed in women’s clothes,’ I answered.
‘I would tend to agree with you,’ said Debbie looking at the pictures from Sunday once again. ‘The guys were probably admiring your good looks and wondering what you would be like in bed, and the girls were just sizing you up as a potential competitor.’
I blushed at this thought.
‘In some ways I felt like a different person when I was dressed as Clare, and I also discovered that people are generally nicer in the way they respond to women. They’re chattier and friendlier, and hold doors open for them,’ I replied.
Debbie smiled.
‘You only saw the half of it though, guys also tend to patronise us and expect us to do all the menial tasks in return for a little attention,’ she said ruefully. ‘But I wouldn’t want to swap places with one.’
I continued to blush so she looked at the pictures once more.
‘So you appear to have had a good time as Clare on Sunday as well as the Saturday night?’ she asked.
‘Yes, I suppose so.’
‘And when are you planning to go out as Clare again?’ she asked
‘What makes you think that I shall be doing so?’ I countered.
‘The holes in your earlobes of course, and the fact that you’re still trying to keep them open. You don’t strike me as the sort of bloke to wear one, let alone two studs. That’s what attracted my attention in the first place.’
I hesitated before answering.
‘Suzanne has asked me to go with her Christmas shopping in Regent Street next Saturday. She has asked me to dress as Clare again so that I’ll be able to go into the changing rooms with her and help her to try on some clothes.’
‘In that case why don’t you come into work one day before Christmas dressed as Clare? We could see whether Karem and Helen recognise you.’
I shook my head.
‘I’m sorry but you can forget about that idea; remember that I’ll be using up the remainder of my leave from 12 December. In any event, the clothes I wore belong to Suzanne, and I don’t think Karen would approve of her junior assistant coming in to work in drag.’
‘I don’t think either of them would mind if you looked as smart and convincing as you do in those pictures,’ answered Debbie.
‘I only looked as good as I did due to Suzanne’s help with my makeup,’ I replied.
She paused for a minute, continuing to look at the photographs.
‘Alright then, but now I’ve heard the story and seen the pictures I would really like to meet you when you’re next dressed as Clare. What if I were to come into central London next Saturday, could we perhaps meet up for lunch together?’
I’d been working with Debbie for the last seven months and she’d never once suggested that we met up outside of work before now. In fact on the one occasion that I’d suggested we might have a drink after work she’d rather dismissed the idea.
‘I don’t know Debbie; I’ll have to ask Suzanne this evening to see what she thinks of the plan.’
Karen returned to the office at that point and so further discussion about the previous weekend and Cousin Clare was curtailed for the remainder of the day. Nothing more was said about the holes in my ears and neither Karen nor Helen seemed to notice them.
That evening, after I’d finished my evening meal and cleared up, I locked my bedroom door and proceeded to change into the clothes loaned to me by Suzanne, putting on a bra and knickers, a pair of tights, and a camisole before sitting down in front of my bedroom mirror. I took out the nylon sleepers and inserted the two ear studs. I then carefully made up my face in the way that Suzanne had shown me, paying particular attention to my eyes. It took me some time to achieve satisfactory results, and there were a couple of false starts, but eventually I was pleased with my look. I wished that I had longer hair of my own to complete the image, but instead I put on Suzanne’s wig and brushed it into place. It was now almost nine o’clock and most unlikely that anyone would call for me, so I finished dressing and then picked up my mobile phone to call Suzanne.
‘Hi Suzanne!’ I said when she answered
‘Oh hi Clare, I’m glad you’ve rung’
‘How did you know it was Clare rather than Tom that was calling?’
‘I don’t know, it must have been something about your voice, but I was quite sure as soon as you mentioned my name. I trust that you’ve been practising with the makeup that I bought you.’
‘Yes, if you could see me now I do believe you would be quite pleased with my efforts.’
‘In that case why don’t we speak to one another on Skype? I’ll then get a better idea of how you are doing.’
‘Alright then, I’ll log-on.'
A few minutes later the connection had been made and both of us could see one another.
'Well I must say that you appear to have done a good job again on your appearance again,' said Suzanne.
'Thanks,' I said.
‘So what can I do for you young lady?’
‘My workmate, Debbie, noticed my pierced ears and my plucked eyebrows this morning — you know, the ones which you said would never be noticed.’
‘I’m sorry about that Clare, but I’m sure that nobody made a great fuss about it though, did they?’
‘No. Fortunately the others in the office haven’t noticed, but Debbie was quite determined to find out what I’d been doing and so in the end I had to tell her the story of my weekend and even showed her your photographs. She was really cool about it all and has promised to keep my secret at work, but says that she’d like to meet Clare. She has asked whether she could join us for lunch in the West End next Saturday. What do you think?’
Suzanne hesitated.
‘I don’t want to sound unfriendly but I think it might be difficult for us to meet up with your friend on Saturday, especially in one of the cafeterias at lunchtime. I know there are still three weeks to go before Christmas but the stores get very crowded at that time and it can be a problem with a wheelchair and so I would rather not commit us to being in one shop at a given time. If she’d like to meet you as Clare, then why don’t you meet up to have lunch with her on Sunday when I’ll be having lunch with Christine and Eleanor? Alternatively, I should be happy to entertain you both to an afternoon tea on that day at my flat.’
‘Either of those options would mean my having to stay a second night in your flat as Clare.’
‘Yes, but I’d rather hoped that you would do so, in any event, since you won’t be able to come and stay with me the following weekend,’ said Suzanne.
I thought for a moment before answering,
‘Alright, I’ll put your suggestions to Debbie in the morning and let you know what she says tomorrow night.’
‘Good; it’ll be another opportunity to have a chat to my cousin Clare.’
The following morning I was able to have a brief conversation with Debbie whilst our colleagues were otherwise engaged, and explained Suzanne’s reservations about her plan to meet us on Saturday.
‘So it’s a choice between Sunday lunch with Clare alone, or else afternoon tea with the pair of you, at your friend’s flat,’ said Debbie.
‘Or indeed both, if you wish,’ I added.
‘In that case both would be nice. We may as well spend some time together as I shall be making the journey into central London. Then we could have a wander around the West End together in the afternoon. I don’t often get the chance to come into central London at weekends.’
‘Alright. Shall we meet at about 12.30 at the entrance to Leicester Square tube station?’ I asked.
‘That would suit me. I’m quite looking forward to it. What will Clare be wearing?’
‘I’m not sure, it’ll rather depend on what Suzanne will loan to me, but from what I know of her wardrobe, I imagine Clare will be quite smartly dressed, and in any event she’ll be able to recognise you.’
‘So you’ll definitely be wearing a dress?’
‘Not me, but I expect that Clare will.’
‘In that case I’ll probably do the same.’
I confirmed the arrangements with Suzanne that evening during another chat session using Skype.
Nothing more was said between Debbie and I on the subject of Clare until the Friday afternoon, I continued to practice wearing makeup each evening although I had to lay off the mascara brush somewhat as I couldn’t help noticing that my eyelashes appeared to be gradually growing thicker and darker. Debbie appeared to have noticed as well as she fluttered her eyelashes at me in a significant way on one occasion in the office. However, I don’t think my two older colleagues noticed, or at they least didn’t say anything if they did. On the Thursday I purchased a tube of hair removal cream. That night I ensured that my legs, arms and armpits were once again smooth ready for another weekend to be spent as Clare.
On Friday afternoon, just as we were packing up for the weekend, I went over to Debbie and quietly said to her.
‘So you’ll be meeting Clare on Sunday lunchtime.’
‘Yes, and I’m quite looking forward to it,’ she replied enthusiastically.
‘Me too,’ I mouthed.
I hurried home and quickly showered and changed into a t-shirt, jeans and trainers. I then collected the various item of apparel and cosmetics loaned to me by Suzanne, and made my way to her flat, arriving about twenty minutes earlier than I’d predicted.
‘Hi Tom, I’m afraid dinner won’t be ready for forty five minutes,’ said Suzanne.
‘That’s alright, would you like me to get myself changed whilst I’m waiting? I’ve brought with me your clothes and wig’ I asked.
‘My goodness, you are keen to become Clare again!’ she commented.
‘I just wanted to show off my newly acquired skills in using cosmetics’ I said.
‘Alright then, but first of all let me show you what I’ve been doing over the last few days sorting out my wardrobe. It has been a major task for me and one that I’ve been putting off for a long time.’
She led me through to her spare bedroom.
‘All of the clothes in this room are surplus to my requirements, as I now have to restrict myself to wearing items what I can manage to put on by myself without difficulty. They should all fit you alright and you’re welcome to wear anything you choose from them.’
I noticed a substantial range of female clothing hanging in the wardrobe or else neatly folded in the drawers.
‘My goodness, I wouldn’t know where to begin with all these clothes or know what is going to suit me.’
‘Don’t worry, you’ll soon learn by trial and error, and I promise to tell you if you make any disastrous mistakes. You’ll also find that there’s some costume jewellery and plenty of makeup in the top drawer, as long as you don’t mind using stuff that I’ve already used,’ she added. ‘You’ll find the lingerie that we bought for you last week is in the second draw. I’ve also added a few items of my own that were almost new, but you may prefer to buy some more for yourself tomorrow. So now you’ve everything you might need for this coming weekend.’
There is enough here for the next six months, let alone a weekend, I thought to myself. Whatever has she got planned for me?
‘Alright, I’ll see what I can do,’ I replied.
I quickly changed out of Tom’s clothes and put on a bra and knickers and carefully inserted the false breasts, and tucked my penis out of sight, and began to feel like Clare once again. I put on a pair of tights and a camisole top, before selecting a dark blue dress and matching shoes. Before putting them on I sat down and carefully applied some makeup and fixed the wig in place. Finally I found myself some items of jewelry including some dangling earrings which I was now easily able to insert into the holes in my earlobes and put on the dress and shoes. I emerged just as Suzanne was serving the meal.
‘Well done Clare, your timing is spot on. You have chosen your outfit well and your makeup looks most proficient,’ said Suzanne. ‘Does that mean that you’ll be able to get yourself ready to go out tomorrow morning?’
‘Yes, I should think so,’ I said, feeling quite pleased by her reaction. ‘But I’ve not had time to do anything about my finger nails, and so I wondered if you could help me them after dinner tonight.’
‘Yes of course, but let’s have our meal first and sort out what we’re going to do tomorrow.’
The evening passed quickly. During our meal we each talked about what we’d done over the previous week and made plans for the coming weekend. I explained that I would be bringing Debbie back for tea on Sunday afternoon, and Suzanne said that she would be happy to meet her. Once we’d washed up and cleared away the dishes Suzanne carefully affixed some false tips on to my nails once again and polished them for me.
‘I’m gradually getting to enjoy having longer finger nails and wearing nail varnish’
‘In that case why don’t I give you a pedicure and paint your toe nails as well?’ suggested Suzanne.
‘Alright, as long as everything comes off on Sunday night. The last thing I would want is my father to discover that I had painted toenails when I go and see him next weekend,’ I replied laughing.
‘It’s strange,’ commented Suzanne, ‘I’ve known you as Tom for several months and although we always got on well together, we were never going to become close friends. However, now I find that I really appreciate your company as Clare.’
I could feel myself blushing.
‘I suppose I should thank you, for the compliment,’ I answered. ‘To be honest I also feel more relaxed in your company as Clare than I did as Tom, and am quite looking forward to the weekend.’
‘In that case let us hope it’ll be the first of many such weekends in the future’ she replied.
Chapter 8
Decisions, decisions
We both got up at 7.00am the following morning and had breakfasted and were ready to leave the flat before 8.30am. It was bitterly cold outside and so I dressed in a thick blue jersey dress and a pair of calf-length leather boots, together with Suzanne’s winter coat. I put on my own makeup and styled the wig, whilst Suzanne was getting herself ready, but she did a quick check and suggested a couple of minor adjustments before we left.
‘I’m sure you’ll be ok today but remember to keep a check on your appearance if you pass a mirror, or when you go to the toilet, and if necessary refresh your make up,’ suggested Sue.
‘I’ll do my best to look nice and act nicely,’ I replied smiling.
‘Good! If you do as well as you did last weekend we should be fine,’ replied Suzanne.
We called a minicab from Suzanne’s usual company, which took us to Regent Street just as the major shops were opening their doors to customers. Once again I felt a little self-conscious to be out in public dressed as a woman, but this quickly wore off as I settled in to the role of Suzanne’s assistant and bag carrier. Nobody appeared to take a second look at me, indeed, it was Suzanne and her wheelchair which attracted far more attention, and by mid-morning I’d lost any sense of anxiety.
My first serious shopping trip with a woman friend proved to be a great learning experience for me. Suzanne had already done much of her Christmas shopping via the Internet, but there were several items she wanted to examine or perhaps try on to see if they suited and whether she’d be able to manage putting them on. She’d prepared a list of everything she wanted to buy, and knew exactly where to find them. She often needed my help however, either in helping her to try on clothes, offering a second opinion between alternatives or merely queuing to pay for the items that she’d selected. Once again I was asked to use Clare’s mysterious debit card in my name, which appeared to have been topped up during the previous week. I decided that if I was going to spend the weekend as a woman then I ought to buy myself another set of underclothes to wear the next day. Suzanne enthusiastically agreed and helped me to select them but also insisted that I should also pay for them using the magic debit card. I noted that money never seemed to be a particular problem for her.
The basket on Suzanne’s wheelchair quickly became filled and so I found that I was carrying a growing number of shopping bags and parcels as well. I was relieved when she suggested that we should have a break, and offered to buy us lunch at a cafeteria in one of the stores.
‘Can you see why it would have been difficult to arrange to meet your friend today,’ said Suzanne.
‘Yes, but there was no problem, the way things have worked out will be better for all concerned.’
‘I’m glad about that and am looking forward to meeting your colleague.’
Suzanne was clearly enjoying her first West End shopping trip in many months, and in any event was always fun to be around. However, by the middle of the afternoon both of us were feeling exhausted. I was therefore relieved when she announced at 4.00pm that she’d purchased everything she’d planned, and several other things as well. After a little delay we were able to hail a black cab to take us home. Once we were in her flat Suzanne was breathless and had a coughing fit, so that I was worried that she may have over-exerted herself. However, after a half hour or so she seemed to recover and I rang to organise a take-away meal to be delivered. That evening we set about re-examining our purchases and then stowing them away.
‘Thank you so much for your help today Clare, it has really meant a lot to me to be able to get everything ready for Christmas,’ said Suzanne as we were eating our evening meal.
‘That’s alright. I’d no idea that shopping could be so tiring, but it has also been good fun. If there’s anything else I can do to help you over the next few weeks, apart from next weekend, I’ll be happy to do so.’
Suzanne paused for a moment considering what to say next.
‘I was rather hoping you might be willing to spend a while staying with me over the Christmas holidays — You mentioned that you’ll be taking some time off work and so you wouldn’t need to keep changing back in to Tom.’
‘I shall be using up my remaining leave and so I’ll not need to go into work between 16th December and 2nd January,’ I replied. ‘I suppose I could come and stay for a few days during that period, if you want me to.’
‘What plans have you made for the Christmas holidays?’
‘Actually, I’ve no plans. I’d normally go and stay with my father, but he will be away this year. How about you, Suzanne, what are your plans?’
‘My two lady friends have invited me to spend Christmas day with them, but other than that, I’ve made no specific arrangements.’
There was a slight pause before she continued.
‘I was half hoping that my cousin Clare might consider spending some time staying with me over the holiday period since we seem to get on together so well together. Maybe even a week or more?’
‘A week! with me living as Clare?’
‘Yes of course! I’ve plenty of food and drink and, as you know, there are now plenty of clothes for you to wear. Also it would be so much easier if we didn’t have to keep switching you back into Tom every few days. It would be a good way of your celebrating Christmas without spending too much money. Maybe we could go out to the theatre or cinema together as well, I’d pay!’
‘What about your existing arrangements with your friends?’
‘I’m sure that if I told Christine and Elaine that you were staying they would be more than happy for you to come along with me on Christmas day as well, but I’ll check that it’s alright. As far as I’m concerned you could stay for the whole two and a half weeks if you wanted to, I would appreciate the company, particularly over Christmas and New Year which can be rather depressing if you’re on your own.’
‘That’s very generous of you, Suzanne, but I’m not sure I could manage as Clare for such a long time, but perhaps I could stay for a few days over the holiday period. Let me think about it over the next week.’
‘Yes, of course, but I hope you’ll say yes.’
The following morning Suzanne and I had a leisurely breakfast together before proceeding to help each other to get ready to go out. As we were doing so, I began to notice that although she tried to hide the fact, Suzanne was beginning to have difficulty in performing certain basic personal tasks such as brushing her hair or getting herself dressed. If her condition were to deteriorate much further then she’d be in need of a carer to help her get up each morning and go to bed in the evening.
‘What are you planning to wear today Clare?’
‘It’s fairly cold outside and so I suppose that I could put on that blue dress again, it was fairly warm and seems to suit me, but today I think I’ll risk wearing some high-heeled court shoes rather than the boots.’
‘That will be fine but remember you’ll be walking round the shops in the afternoon, and so I suggest that you choose a pair that you find reasonably comfortable.’
‘May I borrow your dark red coat again Suzanne.’
‘Yes, of course! You’ll find a matching handbag in the cupboard and you’ll probably need a pair of gloves as well.’
Just before midday Suzanne telephoned for a minicab.
‘I can drop you at Holloway Road tube station, if you wish Clare; it’s then a simple journey in to Leicester Square.’
‘Thanks. What time should we come back here for tea?’
‘If you arrive at about five o’clock, that should give me enough time to get home and get myself organised.’
As I came up the stairs at Leicester Square tube station I could see Debbie waiting for me at the entrance on other side of the Charing Cross Road. Rather than go back down and under the subway, I crossed the road in front of her, as it wasn’t too busy with traffic. She didn’t look in my direction, being more concerned with looking for me among the passers-by on the pavement. As a result, she didn’t notice my approach until I opened my mouth to greet her.
‘Hello Debbie, are you looking for me?’
‘Hi Clare, I’m sorry not to have recognised you straight away, but I must say you look lovely this morning.’
‘Thanks,’ I answered, blushing a little at first and not knowing how to answer. ‘You always look nice.’
She smiled in acknowledgment.
‘Thank you, but remember it’s the first time I’ve seen Clare in the flesh — and I must say you look just as good as in those pictures.’
I blushed again, and didn’t know what to answer.
‘So what are we going to do this afternoon?’ asked Debbie.
‘I suggest that we find somewhere to have lunch together first of all, and then perhaps we could have a look around Chinatown. My friend Suzanne is expecting us back for tea at about 5.00pm.’
‘That sounds fine by me!’
We found a suitable restaurant and over our meal I answered many more of Debbie’s questions concerning how I’d spent my last three weekends and my longer-term plans regarding Clare, of which I confessed there were none.
‘You’re so convincing as a girl; you really must give our colleagues the opportunity of meeting Clare sometime. If you’re not willing to come into work one day then my flat-mates and I are planning a New Year’s party and I was intending to invite everyone from work. You could come as Clare rather than Tom. Both Karen and Helen will be there with their respective partners?’
‘I’m not sure about that Debbie, I still feel quite nervous about being out in public dressed like this — in fact this morning’s journey to meet you was the first occasion that I’d ventured out on my own other than quick trips to the supermarket.’
‘But you don’t appear to be at all nervous; you look and sound to me as if you were an attractive young woman. I’m sure that with a little more practice you would feel more confident.
‘That’s what my friend Suzanne says, in fact she’s asked me to stay with her, as Clare, over the holiday period, as my father is going to be out of the country.’
‘Are you going to accept her offer?’
‘I’m not sure what to do, even though I’ve had an interesting and pleasant time over the last few weekends; it would be a different matter to be a girl for a week or more at a stretch.
‘I don’t see why you shouldn’t have a good time? After all you appear to have enjoyed immersing yourself doing typically girlish things over the last few weeks.’
I didn’t reply, but blushed as I realised that she was probably right.
‘If your friend is willing to loan you the clothes to wear, you might consider accepting her offer,’ Debbie continued.
‘I’ll have to think about it over the next week or so,’ I replied continuing to blush.
With that our conversation moved on to other things.
After lunch we looked around the shops in Chinatown and then walked on to Regent Street, making one or two purchases along the way. Once again, it struck me that the people seemed to deal with me differently as a young woman than they would have done to Tom. Both the men and the women that I came across seemed to be friendlier and kinder, and I found myself thinking how much I’d enjoyed spending the last three weekends as Clare, and regretting the fact that I’d not be able to do the same next weekend. At one point, after I’d just finished flirting with a stall holder, who was trying to sell me a silk scarf, I caught Debbie looking at me and shaking her head.
‘What’s the matter?’ I asked.
‘I really cannot get used to how much you’ve changed, and it isn’t just in your appearance, but also your personality. Tom was alright, I suppose, although perhaps a little dull, whereas Clare is someone who is fun to be with.’
‘Are you sure it isn’t a question of other people changing in their reaction towards me?’
‘Probably it’s a bit of both, but there’s a definite improvement,’ she said smiling.
Soon afterwards we began to make our way back to Suzanne’s flat in Westbourne Park.
‘Suzanne, this is my friend Debbie from work,’ I said as we entered. ‘Debbie, this is Suzanne who’s been largely responsible for the creation of Clare.’
‘I think you’ve done a very good job, Suzanne. Clare is more fun to spend time with than Tom, and is also a lot better looking,’ said Debbie smiling as they shook hands.
‘I’m glad you think so too. However, any improvement is partly due to Clare’s efforts as well, she has worked hard on her presentation over the last three weekends.’
‘Yes and from the sound of it, she’s been enjoying herself in the process,’ added Debbie. ‘I’ve been trying to persuade her to come into work one day and introduce herself to our two colleagues.’
‘If I were due to be working on the last day before the Christmas holiday, I might consider doing so, as no-one expects any work to be done on that day, but if I were to come in on another day it would just be a distraction, and would probably not go down too well,’ I interposed.
‘I don’t think so; once the introductions were made you could just get on with Tom’s work,’ replied Debbie
As my two friends got to know one another I began to feel a little irritated at the way they seemed to be taking over my life and making assumptions or decisions about my future before I’d had a chance to weigh them in my own mind. I didn’t regret for one moment the events of the last few weekends but, on the other hand, I wanted to choose if and when they would continue. I didn’t say anything, however, as I’d enjoyed both of their company individually over the course of the weekend.
‘By the way Clare, I was discussing the arrangements for Christmas with Christine and Eleanor this morning and they’d both be very happy to have you join us at their house on Christmas day. So you’d be more than welcome to stay at my flat at any time over the Christmas and New Year period that you wish,’ said Suzanne
‘In that case Clare rather than Tom could also come to my New Year’s party, added Debbie.
‘Hang on a minute, both of you. I’m still not sure what I want to do over the Christmas holiday and need to sort out in my own mind whether I want to spend any more time as Clare,’ I said.
Suzanne looked a little disappointed with my reaction but realised it was probably better not to press the point at that moment.
‘Alright then, it is entirely up to you what you do over Christmas, as long as you promise to consider our suggestions’, she said.
‘But you’ve already admitted to me that you have had a good time during your last three weekends living as Clare’ added Debbie.
‘Alright, yes I admit that. I have had a good time and will give consideration to your suggestions over the next two weeks,’ I replied with just a hint of irritation.
At that point my companions changed the subject and we were all soon chatting happily together once again. Suzanne served up a simple tea and we continued chatting together on other matters until the early evening. Debbie and Suzanne seemed to get on well together, but they also treated me as one of themselves and we all took equal shares in the conversation, which I seemed to find much easier to do as Clare than I’d have done as Tom.
Eventually, at about 8.00pm, Debbie told us that she would have to leave to travel back to her home in south London.
‘I’ll walk to the underground station with you, if you like’ I said.
‘Alright then, and thanks for the tea Suzanne, it was nice to meet you,’ said Debbie as we left.
‘I hope we meet again sometime,’ replied Suzanne.
As her train approached Debbie turned to me.
‘Thanks for everything, Clare; I’ve had a most delightful day. I think you make a lovely young woman and I hope to see you again very soon.’
‘Yes, but in the meanwhile you’ll be seeing Tom again in the morning,’ I replied.
‘I realize that,’ she said as she kissed me on the cheek and boarded her train.
I was feeling rather subdued and thoughtful as I returned to Suzanne’s flat a quarter of an hour later.
‘I’d better get changed back to Tom now and return to my flat,’ I said soon after my arrival.
‘Alright but you would be welcome to stay here another night and change back early tomorrow morning, if you wish,’ said Suzanne.
‘No thanks, there would be too much to do first thing in the morning, and in spite of what Debbie thinks, I’ve no intention of going into work dressed as a woman.’
Both Karen and Helen were working in the office every day over the next week, and as Debbie had promised not to discuss the subject of Clare in front of them, there was hardly any opportunity for her to speak about the previous weekend or to enquire about my plans for Christmas. She merely offered a few words about how pleased she’d been to meet Clare and Suzanne and how impressed she’d been with the former, before changing the subject. I wasn’t too sorry about this as I wanted to sort out things in my own mind over the next few days. I also stopped experimenting with makeup each evening in my flat as I wanted to be sure there would be no give-away traces when I stayed with my father over the coming weekend. In any event, I’d left most of the stuff behind in Suzanne’s flat. The only concession I made to Clare was to retain the near invisible sleepers in my ears. My weekday evenings were rather spent in catching up with various domestic tasks that I’d neglected over the past few weekends and in doing some of my own Christmas shopping, as the coming weekend would be the last opportunity of seeing my father before he and his new lady friend left for their cruise.
I wondered whether I should telephone Suzanne during the week, but wanted to avoid answering any questions about my plans for the time being, and so, instead, I went out and bought a rather girly looking ‘Thank you’ card. Inside I wrote a message in Clare’s name thanking her for her hospitality over the last three weekends and saying how much I’d enjoyed them. I also added a postscript thanking her for the invitation for Christmas but saying that I’d need a little time for before deciding whether or not to accept. Finally, I promised that Tom would telephone her after returning from his trip home. I hoped that she would understand my need to be left alone to think things through. On Wednesday, I received a text message from Suzanne:
‘Clare,
thx 4 card will await yr decish! speak 2 u next week,
luv Suzy xx.
P.S. u forgot 2 take wig clothes & makeup 4 more practice — will arrange 2 send em to u —’
Chapter 9
Tom’s last week at work
After my previous three weekends living as Clare, the next weekend felt a little flat and uneventful. I dutifully made my pre-Christmas visit to see my father, who lived between Newcastle and Sunderland. I also went out for a meal to meet his new lady friend, the first he’d had since the death of my mother just over a year and a half ago. Things seemed to be getting quite serious between them, which in some respects was a relief to me, as I would no longer have to worry about how he was coping, or make such regular and expensive trips up to North East England. She was friendly and polite towards me, but she had a grown up family of her own, and I could see that in future I would be of secondary importance in their lives, and from now onwards I would largely be on my own.
At first I was a little anxious whether, like Debbie, my father might notice a subtle change to my demeanor or the tiny holes which were now quite well-established in my ears, but if he did so then he said nothing. I think he was more pre-occupied with his new friend and in preparing for their extended trip, but he was also anxious to know my plans over the Christmas holiday. I’d said nothing about my taking a period of leave from work, in case he felt guilty that I wouldn’t now be able to return to my former home at that time. To put his mind at rest I explained that I’d been invited to stay with a friend named Suzanne and would probably accept her invitation, although the details had not yet been finalised. I also mentioned that I’d been invited to a New Year’s party with one of my workmates named Debbie, and both my father and his lady friend seemed to be quite satisfied that I was going to be alright.
On the train back to London on Sunday evening I thought long and hard about what I was going to do during my two and a half weeks away from work. I hated the thought of being alone over the Christmas holiday and had enjoyed Suzanne’s company. I’d also found that dressing and acting as a young woman had been fun, although the prospect of spending such a long time as Clare was quite daunting. I therefore decided to compromise and to suggest that Clare might stay for the eight days between Christmas Eve and New Year’s Day. I could also offer to help Suzanne with any shopping before that time, to decorate her flat and take down the decorations afterwards, but would do so as Tom rather than Clare. Once I’d made up my mind, it was as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders and suddenly I began to look forward to Christmas.
I was greeted by Debbie as I arrived at the office the next day, who informed me that our two colleagues were not expected in until lunchtime and that we were therefore free to discuss my alter ego.
‘I was really impressed by Clare when I met her the weekend before last,’ she began.
‘So you told me,’ I replied.
‘Did you tell your father about Clare this weekend?’
‘No, it isn’t the sort of thing that a young man says to his father.’
‘Did he notice anything different about you?’
‘I don’t think so, or at least he said nothing if he did do so.
‘And have you made up your mind about your plans for the Christmas holiday yet?’
‘I don’t really fancy spending the Christmas holiday on my own so I’ve decided to accept Suzanne’s invitation and stay between Christmas Eve and New Year’s Day, if it’s still convenient for her,’ I answered.
‘Great! So does that also mean you’ll also come to my party as Clare?’ she asked.
I hesitated for a moment, but then thought to myself, ‘what the hell! Why not?’
‘Yes, I suppose so, if you want me to, as long as you are discreet and promise not to announce it to the whole world.’
Debbie looked really pleased.
‘That’s great news, as I’m planning to stay with my father for Christmas, and so otherwise I wouldn’t have the opportunity of meeting Clare again,’ she answered.
It seemed a little strange, but was not entirely unwelcome, how both Suzanne and Debbie seemed to seek out Clare’s rather than Tom’s company.
‘I’m sure that Suzanne will be pleased when you tell her,’ continued Debbie. ‘By the way, I have a carrier bag for you in my locker with some of Clare’s things inside, which I’ll hand over to you after work today. Suzanne also asked me to tell you that she will only be accepting Video calls from Clare and not from Tom this week. She says that if you want to talk to her then you should first send a text asking her to connect to Skype.’
‘Have you been in contact with Suzanne?’ I asked, slightly surprised.
‘Yes, she telephoned me at work last Wednesday lunchtime and we had a chat when no-one else was around. I offered to call in to her flat and collect your things on my way home from work last Friday and bring them in for you today.’
‘You didn’t mention her call to me last week. What did you two talk about?’ I asked, knowing that the only thing they had in common with one another was myself.
‘Oh, it was only girls’ stuff and nothing to do with you, young Tom.’
‘I’ll bet’
‘If you really want to know, then you’ll have to wait until we have an opportunity to discuss our plans with our friend Clare,’ she answered smiling, but nevertheless seemed determined that she would say nothing more on the subject.
The idea of Suzanne and Debbie having been in touch and making plans together both intrigued and bothered me, but I knew that I’d get nothing more from Debbie and so I decided to ask Suzanne for some more details of their conversation that evening. As promised, Debbie handed me a large carrier bag as we were leaving work. I thanked her but didn’t examine the contents at the time as I didn’t wish to excite questions from Helen who was leaving work at the same time. Once I got home I found that Suzanne had carefully packed a clean set of underwear, a skirt, a blouse, a pair of tights, her long wig, a pair of shoes and various cosmetics into the bag. There was also a note addressed to Clare, which said: ‘if we are going to spend Christmas Day with my friends, you’ll need as much practice as possible beforehand.’ It was signed: ‘love Suzanne.’
At first I’d felt a little irritated with Suzanne’s peremptory instructions to be sure to change into Clare before contacting her, and her assumption that I was going to accept her invitation for Christmas. There was also the matter of her phoning Debbie and talking about me to behind my back. However, I was quite anxious to talk to her again after more than a week, and so I decided that I’d go along with her plan. I took a shower and carefully shaved my arms and legs. It was still relatively early but I assumed that there would be no visitors and so by 7.30pm I’d dressed and transformed myself into Clare once again. As soon as I was satisfied with my appearance I sent a text message from Clare saying that she was logged on to Skype. Whilst I waited for a response I ate a sandwich, before my computer indicated that Suzanne was online and trying to contact me.
‘Hi Suzanne!’
‘Hi Clare, it’s good to hear from you again, and as usual you’re looking good. So how did your visit to your father go?’
‘Alright I suppose, but it was a little dull. At least I’ve fulfilled my filial duty for the year. We exchanged presents, went out for a meal and nothing much else happened’ I said.
‘So it wasn’t as exciting as your recent weekends staying with me,’ she commented.
‘No, I suppose not,’ I admitted.
‘I’m pleased to hear that.’
‘By the way, what did you talk to my friend Debbie about last week?’ asked Clare.
‘Oh nothing much, I just wanted to compare notes with her as to whether she found you to be as convincing as I did, and whether there were any aspects of your presentation where you needed some more practice. She was very flattering about you, and wants me to talk you into going to her party as Clare rather than Tom.’
‘I know. But you don’t need to; I’ve already agreed to go, this morning. Also I’ll be willing to stay with you for eight days over Christmas beginning on Christmas Eve, if you still want me to.’
‘Yes of course I do, but I was also rather hoping that I might call upon your help once again this weekend, as I still have several jobs still to do.’
‘Yes, by all means, but does it have to be as Clare?’
‘Yes please, if you don’t mind. I want you to take me to the hairdresser and to get my fingernails done, and it’ll be far less embarrassing to be taken there by a young woman helper,’ answered Suzanne. ‘In any event I thought you enjoyed your weekends as Clare?’
‘I do, but I’m beginning to get a little concerned about the amount of time I’m spending dressed as a woman, particularly if I’m going to be staying with you for a week soon afterwards.’
‘I don’t see why you should be worried. Is there something that you would rather be doing this weekend as Tom?’
‘No, not really,’ I admitted.
‘In that case I hope that Clare will come round for a meal on Friday evening after work. I’ve also invited your friend Debbie as well, as there’s something we would like to discuss with you.’
‘What sort of thing.’
‘You’ll have to wait and see.’
I sighed.
‘Yes, alright then, I’ll see you on Friday evening.’
Nothing further happened at work over the next three days and there was no further reference to Clare by Debbie. I did, however, practice with Clare’s clothes and makeup each evening, but didn’t contact Suzanne or mention it to Debbie. Friday was going to be my last day at work until the New Year and so I brought Christmas cards for my colleagues into work together with a little gift for Debbie. They thanked me, and wished me well for my holiday and a happy Christmas. Later, when the others were out of earshot, Debbie motioned for me to come over to her desk.
‘I’ve got a Christmas present but it’s for Clare rather than Tom and so I can’t give it to you now. I understand from Suzanne that you’ll be seeing her after work this evening. She has invited me to come as well and so, if you don’t mind, I’ll travel with you and hand it over this evening.’
‘That will be fine by me’, I replied, ‘but I’ll need to call in to my flat first to change out of my work clothes and pick up Clare’s things before going on to Suzanne’s flat. My bedsit’s only about a quarter of a mile away from her flat’ and so it won’t delay us much.’
It was a comparatively mild night for mid-December, but was very dark when Debbie and I reached my home at about 5.30pm. There were no lights on in the house as I let us in through the front door. I turned on the hall light and we went up to my first floor bed-sitting room.
‘Is it normally this quiet here?’ asked Debbie.
‘Yes, sometimes. The other tenants tend to keep to themselves. Most use the place as a dormitory whilst they are working, and disappear to their families at weekends,’ I answered.
‘It seems a lonely and depressing place to live,’ she commented.
‘It is alright during the week, but would be a bit bleak over the Christmas holiday,’ I replied.
I handed Debbie the bag in which Clare’s clothes and wig were stored.
‘Hold on to these for me for a moment and look the other way whilst, I just change out of my suit,’ I said.
‘As there’s no-one around in the house why don’t you change straight away into these clothes and arrive at Suzanne’s flat dressed as Clare, I’m sure she’d be pleased if you did so.’
‘Maybe so, but I don’t have an outdoor coat to wear. I would attract attention to myself if I were to go out wearing just a skirt and blouse in the middle of winter.’
‘You’d be welcome to borrow my raincoat for the short journey, if you like. I’m wearing a jacket underneath and will be quite warm enough.’
I sighed, and then took the offered carrier bag.
‘You and Suzanne are forever trying to turn me into a woman,’ I said.
She smiled.
‘Yes, I suppose that may be true, but it’s only because we both enjoy Clare’s company, and get the impression that you do as well,’ she replied.
My transformation into Clare didn’t take long and I made a pretty good job with my hair and makeup. Debbie looked on impressed. As soon as I was finished, I began to collect a few of Tom’s clothes, and put them into a carrier bag.
‘What are those for?’ she asked.
‘The clothes are for me to change into before I come back on Sunday night.’
‘Are you sure that you are going to need them. You said yourself that the place will probably be deserted and so you’ll be able to creep back unseen on Sunday, I think you should leave Tom behind for this weekend,’ she said emphatically.
Debbie was hard to argue with once she’d decided on a course of action. She took away the plastic bag and placed it on a table and handed over her raincoat. It fitted me perfectly well, so we made our way the quarter of a mile to Suzanne’s flat.
Debbie was right. Suzanne appeared to be delighted to open her door and see that it was Clare rather than Tom standing there and welcomed us both in.
‘I’m afraid that I’m running late and the meal won’t be ready for over an hour, but all the preparations have been made so we can have a glass of wine whilst we’re waiting. I also understand that Debbie has got something to give to you Clare.’
Debbie took out a small package that she’d been carrying in her shopping bag.
‘My father works for a medical supply company and obtained these for me. They’re intended as a Christmas gift but this will be a good opportunity to show you how to put them on.’
‘What are they?’ I asked.
‘They’re a pair of silicone breast forms designed for women who’ve had a double mastectomy. If you attach them to your chest as instructed, they’re supposed to look and feel just like the real thing’ replied Debbie. ‘
‘Really?’
‘Would you like me to show you how to put them on?’
‘I suppose so.’
‘In that case I’d like you to strip off above the waist and sit down in front of the mirror next to me.’
I felt distinctly embarrassed being bare-chested in front of Suzanne and Debbie, but neither of them seemed to give it a second thought. Once I was sitting, Debbie carefully placed each breast in its correct position and drew around the outline with a felt tipped pen. She then stuck an inverted v-shaped piece of double-sided medical grade adhesive tape above each nipple, and a shorter piece underneath.
‘These adhesive strips will carry the weight of each breast, and then we’ll put a thin line of glue to stick the edges down securely. Once you’ve added some flesh-toned makeup the joins shouldn’t be visible.’
She spread the adhesive just inside the outline of each breast and then added another line around the breasts themselves before waiting for a few minutes.
‘Now comes the fiddly part. I’ll do it today, but you’ll need to pay attention so you can do it for yourself next time.’
She peeled off the back of the double-sided tape and then carefully positioned each breast, and when she was confident, she begun to press each one in place, beginning at the bottom and moving to the top.
‘I want you to hold each breast in place for a few minutes whilst I work around smoothing down and hiding the edges.’
I did as I was instructed. When Debbie finished working round the edges, she cleaned away any remaining trace of the adhesive or the felt tip pen.
‘How on earth would I do this on my own?’ I asked as Debbie completed her work.
‘With difficulty, I guess, but don’t worry; they’re designed to stay in place for a week or more at a time, if you wish.’
Before I’d time to respond, Debbie instructed me to remove my hands and let the two appendages dangle under their own weight. The result was quite surprising. What had at first appeared to be two quite small breasts seemed to enlarge once gravity had its effect on them, and their weight also pulled my existing flesh into a new shape creating a most convincing cleavage. The two breasts now hung down, seeming to move of their own accord whenever I moved my upper body. Debbie then carefully worked round the edges using some concealer until the joins were no longer visible. She then dabbed on some darker powder between my new breasts to enhance the appearance of my cleavage.
Suzanne came over and expressed her surprise and admiration.
‘Debbie you’ve done a great job with those, I’d never have known that they were not the real thing’ she said.
‘It’s as if they have a life of their own,’ I commented.
‘Yes, so you will now understand why women need to wear a bra to keep our breasts under control’ added Suzanne.
Debbie helped me to put on a bra and adjusted the straps to fit and provide support for my new shape, I now appeared to have two substantial, but otherwise quite normal looking female breasts.
‘I’ll find you something with a lower neckline to wear so you we can all admire your new assets over dinner,’ said Suzanne with a smile.
She went to the drawer in the spare bedroom and returned with a rather skimpy white knitted top together with a ruby pendant, both of which I put on. The top showed off my cleavage rather nicely.
‘How does it feel to have real boobs Clare?’ asked Debbie.
‘You tell me, I wouldn’t know. However, these two look and feel like pretty good substitutes,’ I replied smiling.
‘Alright you two, it’s time to stop admiring Clare’s boobs and help me serve up the dinner,’ said Suzanne.
Chapter 10
An appointment with the hair stylist
My new breasts were the inevitable topic of conversation and some teasing by Suzanne and Debbie over dinner that evening. I was warned about the potential pitfalls of having two such projections; the effect they might have on the opposite sex and the care I’d need to take in future. I took it all in good part and enjoyed the meal and the conversation.
‘You’d better show me how to take these off before you leave tonight Debbie,’ I said.
‘I’m afraid that it’ll inevitably be a prolonged and slightly uncomfortable business as they’re stuck on so well that you’ll have to use a special solvent to remove the adhesive without damaging the breasts or hurting yourself, she answered.
Debbie paused for a moment and looked at Suzanne before she continued speaking.
‘However, we were both hoping that you might be prepared to keep them in place for a little while,’
Before I could respond, Suzanne took over.
‘Clare, I want us both to look our best when we go out together on Christmas Day, and so in addition to having my hair done and getting myself a manicure, I would like to pay for you to have professional hair extensions fitted and for your hair to be styled properly rather than rely on the wig. I’ve spoken about you to my friends in the local salon, and they’re quite cool about the idea, but the only time they could fit us both in before Christmas would be tomorrow afternoon, and so I’ve taken the liberty of booking us both an appointment. That’s why I wanted you here dressed as Clare again this weekend.’
‘But how will I be able to take hair extensions off when I need to change back to being Tom?’ I asked.
‘They can be removed at any time but it’s going to be a little fiddly and it’ll cost almost as much as having them fitted in the first place. So we were rather hoping that you might be willing to stay here living as Clare until after Debbie’s party.’
‘But that’s more than a fortnight away! I only agreed to stay as Clare for this weekend and then again from Christmas Eve.’
‘I know, but this Saturday is the only time that they can fit us both in. I hope you’ll humour me,’ she said in a pleading voice.
‘Whenever I agree to something Suzanne, you always want to stretch it that little bit further, and I don’t like the way you two have cooked this plan up behind my back,’ I said beginning to feel a little annoyed with my friends.
Suzanne began to look a little downcast.
‘I’m sorry if you think we have gone too far. It was just that I knew that you won’t need to go into work during that period, and in any event, you have already agreed to stay here for a week,’ she answered.
‘I know, but that was my decision,’ I replied irritably.
‘Sorry, I could always cancel your hair appointment tomorrow morning, if you insist.’
I didn’t answer.
‘Is there anything that Tom needs to do, or anyone that he needs to visit over the next week?’ asked Debbie in a conciliatory tone.
‘I suppose not. I was planning to do some shopping for one or two Christmas gifts and was also going to offer to help Suzanne to decorate her flat,’ I replied.
‘Surely Clare could do those things just as easily as Tom.’
‘Maybe so, but I only agreed to stay as Clare for a week over the Christmas period,’ I continued irritably.
‘Wouldn’t you be more comfortable staying in this nice flat with Suzanne than in Tom’s dreary bedsit?’ asked Debbie.
Again, I didn’t answer; but she did have a point. Suzanne now took up the task of trying to persuade me.
‘As far as I’m concerned you’ll need only to remain as Clare until Boxing day, and you could then revert to being Tom until Debbie’s party a week later, but it would be a nonsense to waste all that money and effort to make you look attractive, only to take it off a few days before you go to a party,’ she replied.
‘Will they be expensive?’ I asked.
‘Yes, they will be quite costly, but I can afford it, and so I was hoping you might agree to my request on this occasion, as it is for Christmas,’ she answered.
‘How do you know I’ll look so good with hair extensions?’
‘Clare, believe me, with your face, those new boobs, genuine long hair and manicured nails, you’ll not just look like a convincing young woman, but a beautiful one as well,’ said Debbie. ‘I’ve done a pretty good job with your new boobs tonight so please leave them in place for the weekend at least, and also let Suzanne go ahead with your hair appointment tomorrow. We’ll see how you feel about it then.’
‘If I agree to your plan, it’ll mean that I’ll be stuck with the hair extensions and these false breasts for the next two and a half weeks, whether I like it or not,’ I said. ‘Once you leave this flat tonight I won’t see you again until your party,’ I said to Debbie.
‘That's not necessarily so: if you wish, I’ll call round on Sunday to admire your new hair style. If you’re still unhappy about the boobs, I promise that I’ll take them off for you straight away, with no questions asked.’
‘And what if I decide I don’t like the hair extensions?’ I asked Suzanne.
‘I could cut them off whenever you want to, if necessary, but I hope you’ll leave them in place at least until after Christmas Day,’ said Suzanne.
‘You mean New Year’s Day,’ contradicted Debbie.
I thought for some time before answering
‘I’ll see how I feel about things on Sunday, but I can’t help feeling that I’ve been the victim of a conspiracy between the two of you.’
‘So you’ll agree to have the hair extensions put in tomorrow,’ said Suzanne.
‘I suppose so.’
‘So I can also fix your finger nails as well this evening.’
‘Alright then, if you must,’ I replied a little sourly.
‘Clare, we just want you to look good and have some fun over the Christmas Holiday’ added Suzanne.
‘I know and I am grateful, but please let me make my own decisions next time, both of you.’
Over the next two hours Suzanne provided manicures and nail extensions to both Debbie and myself. Afterwards Debbie had to leave to take her train home and so I walked with her to the tube station this time wearing one of Suzanne's outdoor coats. By this time my mood had softened somewhat.
‘I’m so glad that you’re going along with our plan Clare. I’m sure that you won’t regret it, and in fact will probably find that you’ve had a good time once you get used to the idea.’
‘We’ll have to see,’ I replied without committing myself. ‘But thanks for the boobs, even if I do ask you to take them off on Sunday.’
‘I hope you won’t. I’m looking forward to seeing how you look on Sunday,’ said Debbie, giving me a kiss on the cheek, and leaving to enter the station.
That night I discovered that it would now be difficult for me to sleep on my front or my side as I’d usually done in the past, because of the size and weight of my new breasts which were a fixture on my chest. Instead I had to get used to sleeping on my back.
It took me longer than usual to get ready the following morning. I had no real difficulty with my new breasts in the shower: they remained firmly attached and I only needed to disguise the join with some skin toner afterwards. Also I was now quite adept about tucking my penis out of sight and didn’t feel any discomfort when it was hidden in this way. Most of the extra time was spent relearning how to put on and adjust my bra now that I’d something more substantial to fill each cup, and then getting used to the new feelings and appearance. The presence of a couple of extra pounds on my chest was quite noticeable and made me move differently. Likewise, I discovered that several of the dresses that Suzanne had given to me now seemed to fit better than before. As I had a final look at myself in the full-length mirror before emerging from the spare bedroom I decided that actually I quite enjoyed having the new breasts, for the time being at least.
Suzanne was clearly still a little anxious that she’d upset me the previous evening, so I did my best to put her mind at ease.
‘You’d better tell me what you’ve said about me to the manageress of the hair salon, Suzanne.’ I said when we were both ready.
‘At first I wondered whether I needed to say anything at all, but guessed that they might notice as you had a rather boyish hairstyle to begin with,’ answered Suzanne. ‘I therefore explained to her that I’d a young male friend who wanted to spend the next few weeks living as a young woman and needed to have longer hair in order to complete the transformation.’
‘What did she say?’
‘She didn’t seem to be particularly surprised by my request, and I got the impression she has done the same thing before. She did ask me whether you were very convincing when dressed as a woman. Fortunately I’d remembered to take in a photograph of you dressed as Clare when I made the appointment. As soon as she saw that she was quite relaxed about the whole thing. They’ve promised to treat you as if you were any other of their customers.’
‘What will they do to my hair, Suzanne?’
‘They’ll begin by tidying up your existing hair style and making sure that the back of your neck and sideburns are clear. Then they’ll add the extensions, which consist of little swatches of hair bonded to keratin tips. The hairdresser will attach them to tufts of your own hair by means of a heat sealer. These will be done close to your scalp, so the joins will not be visible. After a few seconds your hair and the extension tip fuse together and they should remain quite secure. You’ll then be able to brush the extension as if it were your own hair, but using a special brush.’
‘How many extensions and how long will they be.’
‘Your new hair will be about 14 inches or so, otherwise there’d be no point in using them. I guess you’ll need about thirty or so to give your new hair plenty of body. Once they’re in place, the hairdresser will cut your newly extended hair into a suitable style. The extensions won’t be noticeable and will normally remain securely in place for between six weeks and three months before they need to be adjusted or re-affixed.’
‘I’ve no intention of keeping them for that long,’ I replied Clare quickly.
‘I realise that; but don’t worry, it’ll be entirely up to you how long you keep them in place.’
‘But what if I were to change my mind about the hair extensions and wanted to change back into Tom before Christmas?’
‘I suppose I’d be disappointed at wasting the money, and embarrassed about having to explain your absence to my friends, but I’d respect your wishes. I can’t force you to remain as Clare against your will, and in any event I wouldn’t want to do so.’
‘Thank you for everything but I’ve no idea of what sort of hair style I should ask for.’
‘I guessed that would probably be the case, and so I should like to make a suggestion as to what I think would suit you, based on the wig that you’ve been wearing.’ she said handing over a photograph. ‘You’re going to need a style which is relatively easy to deal with for most of the time, but can also be pinned up when we need you to look really glamorous.’
The picture she showed me was of a girl with long dark brown hair with no fringe, parted on the right side of her face and with the bottom of the hair curled.
‘Yes that style looks nice, if you think it would suit me.’
‘Yes it would look alright with the oval shape of your face, but you’ll have to learn how to put your hair up in rollers after you’ve washed it, if you’re going to keep it looking alright.’
‘Alright then I’ll go ahead on that basis, but please explain to me why are you spending so much money and effort in trying to turn me into a woman?’
Suzanne shrugged her shoulders.
‘The money isn’t really a problem for me, particularly as I’ll not be around this time next year, so I might as well spend it on things that I enjoy doing. I suppose I see the development of Clare as a kind of project - someone that I’ve helped to create. It takes my mind off my rather bleak future. However, I don’t think I would have pushed it this far if I didn’t get the distinct impression that you’re also enjoying it.’
‘I suppose you are right. So far I have enjoyed myself as Clare, at least for most of the time, but it’s quite a commitment that you’re now expecting from me and sometimes I get anxious about where it all might be leading.’
‘What do you mean?’ asked Suzanne.
‘Well it’s almost as if you and Debbie are trying to push me into becoming Clare full-time.’
‘How would you feel about that prospect?’
‘I don’t know! I’m feeling confused about everything. In some respects the idea appalls me, but there are also some aspects of being Clare that I really enjoy.
‘Ultimately it’ll be up to you to decide how to live your life, but so far nobody has done anything to you that can’t easily be reversed. Debbie and I are only suggesting that you should give Clare a fair opportunity to enjoy herself and grow in confidence over the Christmas holidays to see how you get on. After all, Tom has had twenty years of your life to develop.’
‘Alright then Suzanne, I’ll go ahead with your plans, at least until Boxing Day, and then decide what to do after that.’
‘Thanks, and I hope you’ll have a good time as Clare over the next week or two,’ said Suzanne.
Our afternoon visit to the hairdresser proved not to be as embarrassing or as stressful as I’d feared. Suzanne gave me the picture and provided instructions as to what I should ask for. The staff treated me in a business-like and respectful manner and got on with their respective jobs without any odd looks, impertinent questions or funny comments. The only reference to my true gender was after the hairdresser had trimmed and shaped my own hair.
‘You’re going to look nice with longer hair, but with your looks you could probably have gotten away with having it short, if you wished,’ she commented.
‘Perhaps so, but if I’m to go out as Clare then I would feel more confident with longer hair.’
‘Alright then let us see what we can do for you.’
Over the next couple of hours Jean, the stylist, chatted away to me about my plans for Christmas as she might have done with any other customer, and I responded as necessary.
‘Perhaps Suzanne is right and I’m not the first young man that they have had to deal with in this way’, I thought to myself.
In no time I’d lost any sense of self-consciousness or embarrassment, as I sat back and began to enjoy the experience of having my hair done by an expert.
‘So madam, what do you think of your new hair style?’ asked Jean once she’d finished and taken out the rollers.
There was no hint of irony or sarcasm in her voice as she said so; it was merely a hairdresser enquiring what her customer thought.
‘I think it looks lovely,’ I answered turning my head in each direction to look at the sides.
As I did so I felt the pleasant sensation of the long hair on my shoulders. Jean then held up a mirror so that I could look at the back. There was absolutely no sign of where the extensions had been attached; it just looked like natural long hair.
‘Just what I wanted, thank you very much’ I replied.
‘You’ll need to have the extensions checked in about eight weeks in case any of the hair pieces have begun to slip,’ said Jean as I was paying the bill. ‘Would you like to make an appointment to have it done?’
‘No thanks, I’d better wait to have a look at my financial situation in the New Year,’ I replied.
Suzanne had told me to pay my bill (which came to £130.00) using the debit card in Clare’s name, and I left respectable a tip out of my own money. I then went to join my friend, who was waiting for me in the salon, having had her own hair cut and styled, and her finger nails manicured and polished.
‘Suzanne, your hair looks lovely,’ I said before she had a chance to pass comment on my own appearance.
‘Thank you, you look pretty good yourself young lady. That style really suits you.’
I smiled and blushed a little but I said nothing.
‘Do you need me to pay your bill using the debit card?’
‘No it’s ok, I’ve already done so using another one in my name.’
As we were leaving I caught sight of myself in a full-length mirror and felt pleased with the way I looked.
‘Thank you Suzanne for persuading me to get my hair done, I’m now glad that you did so and am happy with the results,’
‘Does that mean you are willing to stay with me until after Christmas?’ she asked.
‘Yes I suppose it does,’ I replied.
Suzanne smiled and squeezed my hand.
That evening Suzanne showed me how to look after my new hair style, how to brush it in the morning and evening and how to put it in rollers after it had been washed. She also gave me various hair care products. In future it would be a time consuming process to look after, but the results were probably worth the trouble. Nothing more was said between us about how long I might be willing to keep the extensions in place. Suzanne just acted as if they were going to be long-term fixtures, and I made no commitment one way or the other.
Chapter 11
Clare’s visit
Debbie arrived at Suzanne’s flat mid-way through Sunday morning, as promised. We’d arranged to go out together for Sunday lunch at a restaurant just off the Charing Cross road, which had good facilities for the disabled.
‘Wow just look at you two glamour girls all dressed up as if you were going to a wedding, I feel distinctly underdressed in this outfit,’ she announced as she entered the flat.
‘You look fine,’ answered Suzanne. ‘Clare and I just wanted the opportunity to show off our new fancy hair styles.’
‘You both look great, I now wish I’d had my hair done as well,’ she announced to us both before turning to me.
‘So how are you getting on with the new silicone boobs, Clare?’
‘They’re alright I suppose,’ I answered, beginning to blush a little. ‘They’re both still securely in place, and I’m gradually getting used to the feel of them and the way they move.’
‘Are you experiencing any soreness with the adhesive?’
‘I’m not aware of any.’
‘So you won’t be insisting that I take them off for you this afternoon,’ said Suzanne.
I sighed.
‘No I suppose not, as long as I’m able to remove them whenever I need to.’
‘That’s a relief. When I got home on Friday evening I found that I’d left the bottle of solvent at work, but I swear to you that I didn’t do so deliberately.’
‘Maybe, but I can’t possibly keep them glued on to me for the next fortnight. What am I going to do if need to change back in a hurry for any reason and am unable to get hold of you?’ I asked.
‘Does that mean that you are planning to remain as Clare during the Christmas Holiday?’
I sighed.
‘As Suzanne has paid for these hair extensions, I suppose I’m bound to keep wearing them until Boxing Day, and so I may as well stay living as Clare as well, and keep the boobs. However, I’ll need to take them off soon in order to check that they’re not causing any soreness.’
‘Alright, but when you take them off, I trust that you’ll also learn how to put them back again, so that you get used to having them. You’ll need to have them in place at my party, so that you can wear something slinky with a low-cut neckline.’
I wasn’t sure whether she was joking or not.
‘I’m not promising anything Debbie. I’ll have to see how I feel after Christmas. But in the meanwhile how am I going to get that bottle of solvent?’
‘Why don’t you call in to the office to collect it from me one day next week?’ she suggested.
‘But Karen and Helen will be there.’
‘Yes, I know, and it would be a good opportunity to introduce Clare to them before my party. If you were to call in on Friday afternoon we won’t be doing any work as it is the last afternoon before the Christmas break. I could introduce you as my friend Clare and then we can see whether either of them recognises you.’
‘If they don’t recognise me from my appearance one of them is bound to recognise my voice,’ I said.
‘I’m not sure about that, but even if they do so — so what? After all Clare will be meeting them both at my party, irrespective of whether or not you retain the false boobs after Christmas — remember you did make a promise.’
‘Yes, but I made that promise before I realised that you would trick me into becoming Clare this weekend and remaining so until Christmas,’ I replied.
She wasn’t sure whether I was serious or not, so changed the subject.
‘I’ll tell you what, Clare, if you come into work and can last in their company for half an hour without them recognising you, I’ll organise a special treat for you after Christmas.’
‘There you go again Debbie, you and Suzanne are constantly trying to push me further than I want to go.
‘Come on Clare, be honest, have you or haven’t you been having a good time so far this weekend?’ asked Suzanne.
‘Well, yes I suppose I have,’ I answered reluctantly.
‘And you’re now quite confident when you are out in public dressed as a girl.’
‘I guess so.’
‘So why not do as Debbie suggests and call in to collect the bottle of solvent?’
‘You wouldn’t mind if I were to leave you alone for a few hours?’
‘Of course I wouldn’t mind, you’re not my prisoner! You may do whatever you wish whilst you’re staying with me.’
‘So how about it Clare?’ asked Debbie.
I was clearly going to get no peace until I agreed, and I thought that it might be nice to see Karen and Helen’s reaction to me in advance of my meeting them at the party.
‘Alright, I’ll call into the office early on Friday afternoon.’
‘And you’ll do your best to look good, act the part and not be discovered by them.’
‘Yes I suppose so.’
'Great, so now that's sorted let's go and get ourselves some lunch and you can tell me all about your visit to the hairdresser's,' said Debbie.
In spite of my earlier misgivings, I really enjoyed the next few days living as Clare, getting used to my new appearance and the wardrobe provided for me by Suzanne. I liked to experiment with different looks and try on the last few items in my new wardrobe, which I’d not hitherto worn, together with different coloured cosmetics. With Suzanne’s help, I was beginning to get a good idea as to what sort of styles and colour schemes suited me best. I also found that putting on my makeup and dealing with my new long hair became far less time consuming each morning as I became more competent and confident. In fact it became quite an enjoyable experience. It was nice not needing to worry about becoming Tom again after a couple of days. I could just sit back and enjoy my new life as Clare.
I also enjoyed helping Suzanne to prepare for what was likely to be her last Christmas. We decorated her flat and her Christmas tree together, with me performing the more physical activities and my friend telling me what to do. Although far from well, she was usually cheerful and on good form and so we chatted and joked together, more like two sisters than cousins. I went out and did some shopping for both of us on a couple of occasions. Suzanne had been right, I now thought nothing of going to the shops on my own, and it didn’t occur to me that I might be read by the shop assistants or other customers.
‘Alright, you win, I’ve enjoyed myself over the last few days and I’m glad that you and Debbie tricked me into spending this week as Clare. I would also like to thank you for everything that you’ve done for me,’ I announced on Wednesday afternoon.
Suzanne looked genuinely pleased.
‘Clare, sometimes other people can recognise things about you that you cannot see for yourself. That was why I was pleased to have the opportunity to talk to Debbie alone. I wanted to ask whether she had also noticed something about you. When she agreed with me, we decided to create this opportunity for you to discover for yourself.’
I wasn’t sure exactly what it was that Suzanne had noticed and wanted me to discover, but what she said reminded me of something my mother had said to me as she was dying. She’d told me that I needed to discover who I was and then go for it. She’d also said that she was sorry that she wouldn’t be around to witness my discovery but wished me luck. An hour later she was dead. I decided not to dwell on these matters or draw parallels with Suzanne’s situation, whatever it was would come to me in due course. I looked for an opportunity to change the subject.
‘Suzanne, there’s a new romantic comedy on at the cinema that is being well-reviewed, what if I were to treat you, as a way of saying ‘thank you’ for everything,’ I asked.
‘That is kind of you to offer Clare, but if you don’t mind I’d rather stay in and watch a video or else just chat together.’
I couldn’t help noticing that Suzanne was in a worse physical condition than she liked to admit. The strength in her arms and legs was gradually deteriorating and she needed help in an increasing number of areas. Furthermore, the bouts of coughing and breathlessness that I’d witnessed before were becoming a regular, almost daily, feature and were not always associated with strenuous activity. She seemed to be particularly poorly on the Thursday morning and I became quite concerned.
‘Shouldn’t you be consulting a doctor about your breathlessness Suzanne?’ I asked.
‘Clare, I’ve been seeing doctors at regular intervals ever since I was twenty-one and I know exactly what is happening to me. There’s nothing to be done, the muscular dystrophy has begun to affect my heart and lungs, giving rise to bouts of pneumonia and will eventually lead to heart failure. One of those conditions will finish me off in the not too distant future,’ she answered in her matter-of-fact manner.
‘I hate to say this Suzanne, but if your condition gets any worse, then you won’t be able to cope with living on your own.’
‘I know and I promise that I’ll organise some home help for myself early in the New Year. In the meanwhile though, please do me a favour and help me to disguise the fact from Christine and Eleanor. I only need to keep well until after Christmas. That’s why I was so pleased that you’ll be staying with me this week Clare.’
There were now two different reasons that I was pleased to have been ‘persuaded’ to stay with her for this week. I did what I could to help so that by Thursday evening she’d largely recovered.
‘I’m glad you’re feeling better, but I’ll cancel my trip into work tomorrow afternoon if you like,’ I said.
‘No, please don’t, I’d really like you to go and to hear how you get on with your workmates. You’ve been looking and acting so naturally as Clare these last few days that I’m sure they’ll be most impressed with you. In any event, you’re going to need that bottle of solvent.’
‘Alright, I’ll go as long as you’re feeling well enough to be left tomorrow.’
The following morning I checked on Suzanne’s condition to ensure that she was still feeling better before deciding to go ahead with my promised visit. She was adamant that she was well and that I should go ahead. I then spoke to Debbie on the phone to check that all was still well with our plan and told her to expect my arrival at 2.30pm. I wanted to give my workmates the impression that I’d spent the morning working in an office, and so I chose a smart dark red two-piece suit and white blouse from the wardrobe provided for me by Suzanne. I also found a plain black handbag and a pair of matching medium-heeled shoes. As usual, I went to some trouble over my hair and makeup and had no need of any help from Suzanne. By the middle of the morning my friend was still feeling better and she suggested that the two of us should have an early lunch together in a nearby café before Clare made her way into her work.
‘Good luck with your visit this afternoon young lady. If you perform as well today as you did when you met my friends a couple of weeks ago, you should get on alright. You certainly look very smart and I’m proud to have you as my cousin. You don’t look or act remotely like Tom these days. In fact I’ve quite forgotten what he looks like,’ said Suzanne.
‘Today will be that much more difficult for me since I’ll be talking to two people who know Tom quite well.’
‘Would it be such a disaster if they do recognise you?’ she asked.
‘No, I suppose not, but it will boost my confidence if they don’t do so. If I’m going to Debbie’s party dressed as Clare, then I’ll have to explain the situation to them at some point. I’ll be a little disappointed if either of them should recognise me before I decide to tell them though.’
‘You seem to be confident enough of being accepted as a woman whenever you go out these days.’
‘Yes, the hair extensions and the makeup do help in that respect. I’m no longer worried that my wig might be blown off, or that I might be recognised by anyone in the street, but it’s a different matter when you’re talking to people who already know you.’
‘I suggest you use the same tactic as you did when you first met my friends, and try to appear to be a friendly and confident person. It’ll be a contrast to Tom’s more shy and self-effacing personality.’
‘I’ll do my best to do so. In fact I do seem to be more confident and talkative as Clare than I did as Tom.’
‘Yes, both Debbie and I have noticed that as well.’
After lunch I made my way across London to the office. It was the last afternoon before the Christmas break and all work had finished at our office by the time I arrived to find my three colleagues sharing a bottle of wine together and eating mince pies. I’d prepared my introductory spiel and taken a deep breath before I went in.
‘Hi Debbie, so this is what you do all day at work then,’ I said as I entered the office.
Debbie looked round and smiled at me. I could see she approved of how I looked.
‘Hi Clare, I’m glad you could pop by on your way home. Please come in and have a mince pie! Let me also introduce you to my colleagues Helen and Karen.’
Helen smiled and said hello to me, but didn’t attempt to shake my hand as her own hands were occupied with a glass of wine and a mince pie. Karen also nodded in acknowledgment. There appeared to be no immediate sign of recognition by either of them.
Debbie went to pour me a glass of wine and whilst she was doing so I tried to make conversation with the others,
‘So are there just the three of you working in the office?’ I asked.
‘No there’s also our young man, Tom, but he’s on leave until after Christmas,’ said Helen.
‘It was a pity he couldn’t be here to join in our little Christmas celebration,’ commented Debbie as she handed me a drink.
‘Never mind, your friend can take his place and have his glass of wine and mince pie,’ said Karen.
For the next twenty minutes or so, I joined in the conversation with the others regarding their various plans and preparations for the Christmas holidays, and the presents that they had bought or hoped to receive. The conversation proceeded quite naturally and I seemed to be accepted without question. Neither of the older women appeared to act in any way awkwardly or suspiciously towards me. Eventually, as previously arranged with Debbie, I asked whether I might use the office toilet so that there would be an opportunity for them to discuss me in my absence. Debbie later related to me the conversation that took place once I was out of earshot.
‘So what do you both think of my friend Clare?’ asked Debbie.
‘She seems nice enough,’ answered Karen politely, not sure what answer Debbie was wanting.
‘Does she remind you of anyone you know?’
‘I don’t think so. I was puzzled at first by her voice as it sounded like someone I knew, but I couldn’t place it, but as far as I know we’ve never met before.’
‘For a while I thought her voice sounded a little like Tom, but of course she doesn’t look anything like him,’ added Helen.
‘You think not? Have a good look at ‘her’ face when she comes out of the loo,’ said Debbie.
I emerged from the toilet, having first checked that my hair and makeup were alright. I came out smiling, knowing that my colleagues now probably knew the truth about my identity.
‘Tom! Is that really you?’ asked Helen incredulously.
I blushed deeply.
‘Yes I’m afraid so, but if you don’t mind, I’d prefer if you called me Clare when I’m dressed like this,’ I answered.
‘Good heavens! You look … incredible. Whatever have you done to yourself?’ asked Karen. After a slight hesitation she added the word ‘Clare.’
‘Nothing too drastic,’ I answered smiling. ‘At least nothing that can’t be fairly easily undone after Christmas.
‘Well you’d better tell us the whole story,’ said Helen.
I proceeded to tell the story of Clare once again and answer all the questions of my colleagues.
‘But you look entirely convincing as a girl. I’d never have guessed,’ commented Karen as soon as I’d finished my account.
‘I suppose it’s re-assuring to me to have you say so,’ I said, my face still blushing a little. ‘I seem to be able to pass as a young woman in public.’
‘Yes you do, but have you done this sort of thing before?’ asked Helen.
‘No I’d never thought of impersonating a woman before, but I do seem to be quite good at it, now that I’ve had a little practice.’
‘And you’ve been enjoying yourself too by the looks of things,’ added Karen.
I blushed, but there appeared to be no point in denying it.
‘Yes I suppose so.’
‘I’m trying to persuade Clare rather than Tom to come to my party at the New Year,’ added Debbie, changing the subject.
‘Oh yes, you must, and since you look so smart in that outfit you may come in to work as Clare after the holidays as well, if you want to,’ added Karen laughing.
‘No thank you! This transformation is strictly limited till Christmas. I’m still not even sure about the New Year party, but Tom will be certainly returning to work in January, as usual,’ I answered.
‘That’s a pity, I don’t think any of our customers would realise that it was Tom,’ added Karen.
I didn’t answer and so Karen didn’t push the point any further.
‘So what are you planning to wear to Debbie’s party Clare?’ asked Helen, ignoring my previous reservations.
‘I’ve no idea, and will have to think about that nearer the time, that is if I decide to go,’ I answered emphatically.
‘I could loan you a party frock that would suit, but I’m afraid you would have to provide your own shoes,’ said Debbie.
‘I’m rather broke at present, so I don’t think I’ll be buying any new shoes. If I do go I will have to wear one of the pairs of shoes provided by Suzanne.’
‘Does she have any that would be suitable for a party?’ asked Debbie
‘I’m not sure,’ I said.
‘The office has a £60 surplus in the petty cash fund this year which I was going to divide between the four of us. Would you two agree to my contributing your £15.00 to the ‘Cinderella shoe fund’ on the condition that she promises to come to the ball as Clare?’ Karen asked the others.
Helen and Debbie both agreed with the suggestion.
‘That would be fine, and I would be happy to take you out shopping in the sales after Christmas — so I’m sure we would be able to find something suitable without it costing you anything,’ said Debbie.
‘Thank you very much, all three of you but I’m not promising anything. I’ll see how I feel after Christmas,‘ I replied.
‘Alright then I’ll telephone you on Boxing Day and we can make the necessary arrangements for our shopping trip then,’ said Debbie ignoring the possibility that I might decide not to go.
It wasn’t until I was on the tube train returning to Suzanne’s flat that I realised that, with all the excitement, I’d entirely forgotten to ask Debbie for the bottle of solvent — which had been the original reason for my visit. I thought about going back, but knew that my colleagues were planning to close the office for the Christmas holiday and there was a good chance that everyone would have left by the time I got there. I therefore telephoned Debbie to explain the situation.
‘Oh I’m sorry Clare, the bottle was in my handbag all the time and I have it with me now. I suppose we were both so concerned with introducing you to the others that I forgot to remind you about it.’
‘That’s alright, it was my fault as well; I quite forgot to ask you for it. Perhaps we could meet up somewhere this weekend so you can hand it over?’
‘I’m sorry but I’ve already arranged for my father to collect me this evening and I’ll be away until Boxing Day. I could put it in the post to you though, if you wish.’
‘No, please don’t do that!’ I said. ‘The package might get broken, or at least delayed in the Christmas post and end up sitting around in a sorting office over the holiday.’
‘In that case what do you want me to do with it?’
‘I suppose the breast forms are not uncomfortable and still appear to be stuck on securely. I’ve already promised Suzanne to remain as Clare until after Christmas, so I may as well stay as I am for the time being. I’ll have to collect the bottle of solvent from you when we go out shopping together.’
‘Very well, as long as you don’t mind,’ answered Debbie.
‘I don’t think I have much choice in the matter,’ I said.
‘No I suppose not, but in that case you may as well resign yourself to having a good time as Clare over Christmas,’ answered Debbie.
‘Alright since it appears that the fates are quite determined for me to do so. I’ll speak to you on Boxing Day. In the meanwhile, have a good Christmas yourself Debbie.’
Debbie laughed.
‘Actually I slipped the bottle of solvent in to your handbag whilst you were in the toilet, but I wanted to see how you would react to the idea of having to keep the breast forms on.’
Chapter 12
The Christmas holiday
Suzanne was still feeling reasonably well when I returned to the flat and she insisted on hearing all about my visit to the office and the reactions of my colleagues. I was feeling quite elated and the visit had been a big boost to my confidence, just as the trip to the hairdresser had been the week before.
‘I knew that you’d be alright, you have a natural feminine charm,’ she commented after I’d finished.
‘So it would seem, but I’d no idea that Tom appeared to the world as being so effeminate,’ I answered.
‘Tom wasn’t especially ‘effeminate’, he rather presented as a kind and gentle young man. It was only after we transformed you into Clare that your innate feminine character became apparent.’
‘I see,’ I said not quite knowing what it all meant.
I noted that she’d used ‘we’ when referring to the creation of Clare and wondered who exactly she was referring to, herself and Debbie or whether I was involved as well, or just the passive focus of their games.
‘So you seem to have enjoyed yourself again today, young lady.’
‘I suppose it felt good when they didn’t know that it was Tom speaking to them, and just treated me as if I were a young woman.’
‘But don’t Debbie and I do that as well?’
‘Yes, you are both very kind to me, but it is different, somehow, as you already know about my origins. That is why I am quite looking forward to meeting your friends again, since they do not know, and will just accept me for what I am.’
‘Hmm,’ said Suzanne without committing herself further, but didn’t seem anxious to spell out what she was thinking.
I therefore changed the subject.
‘What do you think about Debbie’s proposed shopping trip to the sales?’
‘That will be fine by me if you want to go. In any event, we’ll probably be fed up with the sight of one another by the 27th,’ she joked. ‘If you like, I’ll contribute a further £20 to your shoe fund.’
‘No, that’s alright thank you Suzanne, you’ve spent more than enough money on me this holiday as it is.’
Suzanne smiled and touched my hand.
‘Believe me Clare, it has been my pleasure to do so,’ she added.
That evening I carefully removed my two breast forms using the solvent, intending to put them back on the following morning. They had been in place for the last week and I’d gotten quite used to having them, that most of the time I forgot all about them, except when I was getting dressed or in the shower. They didn’t appear to have done me any harm, but it was good to be able to have a good wash and to allow my own skin a few hours to recover before they went back on again. It felt distinctly odd to be flat-chested once more, and I was conscious that my clothes no longer fitted so well, so I used the breast forms that Suzanne had originally made for me.
The last two days before Christmas were spent by us both in a fairly leisurely manner. It took me a bit of time to stick my boobs back into place the next morning, and I didn’t make such a good job as when Debbie had helped me. They were fixed quite securely but I wasn't as successful at disguising the joins as my friend. Nevertheless, I was pleased to have them back in place again and I wasn’t planning to wear anything particularly revealing over the next few days. It even went through my mind to wonder what it would be like to have breasts of my own, but I quickly put that thought out of my mind.
I did my own and Suzanne’s laundry and helped to finish decorating the flat. I also went out for a few last minute purchases in the locality, on the Saturday afternoon mainly to ensure that Suzanne had sufficient supplies of her medications to cover the holiday period. During the evening I wrapped the presents that I’d bought for Suzanne and her two friends and placed them next to the artificial Christmas tree that I’d help Suzanne to erect. As I did so I realised that I’d now become quite adept with my hands despite having long finger nails. This made me realise that there wasn’t anything about being Clare that now felt particularly unusual. I was now quite used to having long hair, long fingernails, breasts, wearing high heels, and a dress. I could now insert earrings into my pierced ears without giving the matter any thought. I could also make up my face properly in a fraction of the time it once took and wearing cosmetics no longer felt strange. In fact I quite enjoyed the time I spent in front of my dressing table mirror at the beginning and end of each day as it gave me a chance to reflect upon my life.
It was during one of these periods that I wondered what my mother would have said, or thought, if she had been alive to see me. She was not exactly the feminine type herself and didn’t go in for pretty dresses or makeup, but she never condemned or looked down on anybody who did so. Also she stressed to me that I should be my own person and I had a sneaking suspicion that she would not be upset, especially after what she had said to me on her death bed. My father, on the other hand, was a different matter and I had no idea how he might react if he could see me. He was never an angry or a violent man, but I am not sure whether he would understand the thoughts feelings that were beginning to form in my head, and I would not wish to be a disappointment to him.
Christmas Eve was a Sunday. I de-fuzzed my arms and legs in the shower that morning before washing my hair and put it up in rollers. I also carefully checked my breast forms to make sure these were still secure but found no problems. I then began to check the condition of my finger nails, removing the old nail varnish and replacing it with new.
‘Would you like me to paint your toe nails for you as well Clare?’ asked Suzanne as I was waiting for my nails to dry.
‘Is that necessary in the depths of winter? I’m hardly likely to be wearing open-toed shoes,’ I replied.
‘No, it’s not really necessary, but it would be one more minor detail, and I thought you’d got beyond the stage where you would automatically resist any suggestion to make you look a little more girly. I any event, if I do your toe nails I can then ask you to do mine afterwards’
‘Alright then, you win, please go ahead and do them and then I’ll do the same for you,’ I replied laughing.
‘Suzanne, why did you decide to give me a makeup lesson on that first occasion I became Clare in November? Was it just because you wanted me to stand in as your cousin?’ I asked as I was painting her toe nails.’
‘No that idea only came to me later when I saw how nice you looked. It was just that you never seemed to be quite comfortable in your body somehow. It was just an idea I had to give you an opportunity to sample another way of life.’
‘Oh,’ I said not quite sure what I thought about her answer.
After a minute or two of silence, Suzanne suddenly perked up.
‘I know why don’t we also give one another a facial when you’ve finished with my toe nails, so we look our best tomorrow?’ asked Suzanne.
‘Alright, if you feel well enough to do so, but you’ll have to show me what I need to do,’ I replied.
Suzanne emerged from the bathroom with a shower cap to cover my hair and a tube of bright green cream, which she proceeded to smooth over my face. The sensation was quite pleasant, but the effect was quite startling when I looked at myself in the mirror.
‘Now you can do the same for me.’
I proceeded to do so and we spent a couple of hours in our dressing gowns watching daytime television before eventually removing the cream.
‘How does it feel?’ asked Suzanne when it was finished.
I rubbed my hand over my chin, and was glad that I could feel no trace of hair.
‘Very smooth.’
Eleanor rang Suzanne during the afternoon and I could hear they were discussing the arrangements for the following day.
‘So what will be happening tomorrow?’ I asked when she came off the phone.
‘Eleanor will be coming to collect us in her car at about 11.00 am. There won’t be room in her car for my wheelchair, but I don’t think I’ll need it, if you can give me a hand getting in and out of the car.’
‘Yes of course.’
‘If you don’t mind we had better get up early to ensure that we are both ready in plenty of time.’
‘That will be fine by me, I’m normally up and showered by about 8.00am in any event,’ I replied.
‘Shall we exchange our presents over breakfast then?’ asked Suzanne.
‘Yes that’ll be nice.’
‘Eleanor also asked me if you had found a job yet and were willing to stay.’
‘What did you say to her?’
‘I said that you had been offered a job to start in mid-January and would be staying in my flat. I hope you’ll be willing to confirm that tomorrow.’
‘Of course I’ll do so, if you want me to, but please don’t forget that I already have a job, a flat, and various possessions in the name of Tom Evans.’
‘I know but I’m not expecting you actually to stay with me, merely to confirm your intention of doing so.
‘What will happen when she discovers it’s not true?’
‘They will both be abroad, and anyway I’ll have arranged a live-in helper by then.’
‘Alright, I’ll back-up your story but I hope you know what are doing, Suzanne.’
‘Yes, of course I do.’
She decided to change the subject.
By the way, Clare, have you decided what you’re going to wear tomorrow?’
‘There’s that rather smart brown trouser suit,’ I suggested.
‘It would look nice on you but I think you ought to wear a dress for Christmas day at least. The rest of us will be doing so, and you wouldn’t want to be the odd one out,’ she said.
‘Alright, I’ll wear the light blue, if you don’t think it looks too dressy.’
‘No that’ll be just right. Now I think I’d better have an early night.’
‘Alright, would you like me to help you get undressed?’ I asked.
‘No I think I should be ok tonight thanks.’
‘Good night then Suzanne’, I said kissing her on the cheek. ‘I’ll see you in the morning, and thank you for giving me the opportunity to sample another way of life over the last few weeks.’
‘It’s me who should be thanking you, Clare; I’m not sure how I would have managed without you.’
As I sat at my dressing table cleaning off my makeup I thought about what might otherwise have been my alternative Christmas, alone in my bedsit.
As promised, I was awake and out of bed before 8.00am. I was making my way to the shower in my nightdress and slippers when I found that, for once, Suzanne was already up and had even prepared a pot of coffee and some buttered toast.
‘Merry Christmas Clare! Sit down and have some coffee and toast. You can get yourself showered and dressed afterwards,’ said Suzanne.
‘Merry Christmas Suzanne! How are you feeling this morning?’
‘Not too bad thank you. I’m a little breathless as usual these days, but I’ve felt much worse.’
‘Just let me go to the loo, and then I’ll join you.’
By the time I emerged five minutes later, Suzanne had also brought our Christmas presents to one another and put them on the table.
I sat down and she handed me a parcel wrapped in Christmas paper. It had a label addressed “To my dear cousin, Clare.” In turn I handed her a somewhat smaller gift-wrapped package.
‘I hope it’s alright, I wasn’t sure what to get you, but I noticed that your supplies are getting quite low’ I said.
Suzanne opened her parcel first.
‘A ‘Lancome — Poeme’ gift set, this is quite expensive stuff, and I know you don’t have a lot of spare money, thank you very much,’ she answered, kissing me on the cheek. ‘Now you can open your present.’
I took the wrapping off a black cardboard box. Inside was a lingerie set in dark-blue silk, together with a matching nightdress and housecoat.
‘Suzanne, these are really lovely’, I said holding up a camisole to my chest and looking at myself in the mirror. ‘You should never have spent so much on me, particularly after the paying for my hair extensions as well.’
‘I ordered them off the Internet, and they were delivered ten days ago. I just wanted you to have some nice underclothes of your own for Christmas, rather than only the ones that I have passed on to you.’
I blushed.
‘Thank you, but I’ve bought some for myself as well you know.’
‘Yes, I know, but a girl can never have too many underclothes, and in any event these are for special occasions.’
‘Does today count as a special occasion?’ I asked.
‘Yes, of course it does, that was the main object of my getting up so early this morning, before you had a chance to get yourself dressed.’
‘Do you need any help to get yourself washed and dressed Suzanne?’ My cousin sighed.
‘I could probably manage by myself but it’ll take much more time if I do so. Would it embarrass you to help me with such an intimate thing as getting me washed and dressed?’ asked Suzanne.
‘No, not at all, not when I’m Clare. I suppose it might have done so if you had asked Tom to help in this manner. Does it embarrass you?’
‘I’ll have to resign myself to accepting such help in the future, but for the time being I would also find it to be far less embarrassing coming from Clare than from Tom’ she replied.
‘Come on then, let us get ourselves ready.’
I helped Suzanne to get herself washed and dressed before having a shower myself and putting on my new lingerie. I was now quite used to wearing panties and a bra, having done so every day for the last ten days, but these were particularly lacy, and in any event, it was more than a month since I’d worn stockings and a suspender belt.
‘What do you think Suzanne?’ I asked, coming in to her room wearing my new lingerie and housecoat.
‘You look quite sexy, and that colour really suits you. How do they feel on?’
‘They feel really soft and sensuous. Girls get to wear much nicer underwear than guys.’
‘I should have thought you’d discovered that several weeks ago. It’s a pity you don’t have someone to show them off to’ added Suzanne.
‘I’m showing them off to you.’
‘You know what I mean — someone special.’
‘I don’t think too many girls would fancy me wearing this outfit,’ I answered.
‘I wouldn’t be so sure, and there are also plenty of guys who would,’ she replied.
I didn’t respond, preferring to keep my thoughts on this matter to myself.
‘Would you like me to help you put your hair up?’ asked Suzanne.
‘Yes please. If you’re able to,’ I replied. ‘I’ll just finish dressing and put on my makeup first.’
We were both ready, looking our best with immaculately styled hair by the time Eleanor called to collect us at 11 o’clock and take us back to her flat. I hadn’t seen Eleanor or her partner since our initial meeting at the end of November, but recalled that the best approach was for me to try to convey an air of confidence about myself. This was much easier for me to do as Clare than it would have been as Tom. This time I was a guest and wouldn’t be able to hide away in the kitchen or busy myself serving food. I would be expected to take a full part in the conversation. I had however grown in confidence and experience since I’d last met them. I’d even prepared one or two stories about my childhood Christmases, to portray myself as a little girl and talked about my favourite dolls and the clothes I used to wear. Thus I managed to answer all of their questions without attracting suspicion. It did feel different to be accepted as a woman by a couple who did not know any different.
Eventually we got round to the subject that was on their minds.
‘How did you get on job hunting Clare,’ asked Christine as we were just finishing our Christmas lunch.
‘I’ve been offered a job beginning soon after the holidays’ I lied.
I was asked for more details and so I converted Tom’s job into the one that I’d supposedly applied for, and told them all about it.
‘When do you start?’ she asked.
‘I'll start the first full week after the New Year.’
I knew that they would be gone by then.
‘So does that mean you’ll be staying with you cousin?’ asked Eleanor.
I looked across to Suzanne.
‘Yes, I will, for the time being at least, until I can find somewhere of my own. That is, if Suzanne will have me of course.’
‘You know that you’re most welcome to stay for as long as you want,’ added Suzanne smiling.
I noticed Christine and Eleanor exchanged glances and looked relieved thereafter.
I believe that Christmas day was enjoyed by everyone, although there was also a degree of sadness as well. Christine and Eleanor were almost packed up ready to move overseas, in just over a week’s time and were a mixture of excited and apprehensive. Suzanne had a nagging suspicion that she’d never see them again and suspected that this would be her last Christmas. I couldn’t celebrate without thinking back to previous years when my mother was alive and healthy. Nevertheless, everyone was determined to enjoy themselves, although by the end of the evening Suzanne began to look very tired. Shortly before midnight, Suzanne at last admitted that she’d had enough and so Eleanor gave us both a lift home. I helped my friend inside and to get herself undressed and ready for bed.
‘Thanks again Clare, you’ve played your part well once again this evening. I’m not sure whether you are a very good actor or whether it is your true personality beginning to blossom. In either event, Christine and Eleanor are now quite satisfied that I’ll be in good hands when they leave next week,’ said Suzanne.
‘You’re welcome, I’ve had a good time today, and over the last ten days,’ I replied.
‘Yes, you have cheerfully done everything that I’ve asked of you. I therefore give my full permission for you to dress however you please tomorrow and for the remainder of your stay.’
Chapter 13
A shopping trip with Debbie
I was a little taken aback by Suzanne’s announcement, on our return to her flat, that I could dress as I wished for the remainder of my stay.
‘Oh!’ I said; ‘but I thought you wanted me to remain as Clare until Debbie’s party.’
‘Don’t get me wrong, I’d be delighted to have you remain as Clare for as long as you wish, but if you do so from now onwards, it is because you have decided to do so, rather than because anyone is putting pressure on you.’
I hesitated.
‘But you’ve paid so much for me to have these hair extensions and have supplied me with nice clothes to wear.’
‘Yes I know; in addition to convincing Eleanor and Christine, I wanted to give you the opportunity of seeing what it was like to be a young woman. But I’ve been thinking about your situation over the last few days and feel that, from now onwards, you should take responsibility for how you choose to live and dress.’
‘It’s not as simple as that Suzanne. Remember that Debbie is expecting me to go on a shopping trip with her tomorrow. Also, she persuaded me to change into Clare at my flat ten days ago and so I arrived here without any of Tom’s clothes. If I wanted to change back, I would have to go home and collect something to wear first.’
‘Oh yes, I’d forgotten that, but I could always loan you some jeans and a unisex sweater if you wish,’ said Suzanne smiling.
‘I’ll see how I feel about things in the morning,’ I replied, ‘but maybe I ought to call in at my flat to collect some of Tom’s clothes, just in case.’
‘Very well, please do whatever you wish, but from now onwards you must take responsibility for who you are and what you wear.’
As I was removing my makeup and fixing my hair before I went to bed, I went through the events of the previous month in my mind, trying to work out what I thought of it all. I’d initially allowed myself to be changed into Clare, and then, to some degree, had been encouraged to do so again on a number of subsequent occasions. Yet I had to admit that I’d always enjoyed my times spent as a young woman and had not resisted the schemes of my two female friends, as I might easily have done. Now, after having had a most agreeable time, Suzanne was suddenly taking off the pressure from me. I had to decide for myself whether or not I wished to continue with things as they were. Yet it could only be for one more week at most. After all, I had a job, a flat, and indeed a different life to go back to. Eventually, I changed into the nightdress that came with the set Suzanne had given me for Christmas and went to bed without having made any certain decision one way or the other.
On Boxing Day morning I woke and immediately noticed the pleasant sensation of wearing the silk nightdress, and gradually remembered my indecision of the previous night. I sat up in bed and looked at myself across the room in the dressing table mirror, brushing the long strands of hair from my face. I then examined my painted fingernails, and touched the studs that were in my ears, and which no longer gave me any discomfort. There was really no point in my changing back into Tom on that day, or indeed until after Debbie’s forthcoming party on Saturday. If, therefore, I was going to remain as Clare then I might as well make the best of things and enjoy myself. It also seemed silly for me to put on jeans and a sweater, whilst I retained my long hair and polished nails and had so many other nice clothes to wear. I shrugged my shoulders and went for a shower before going to the wardrobe and choosing some feminine looking clothes to wear for Boxing Day.
Suzanne was still fast asleep by the time I’d dressed, so I sat down and fixed my face and hair giving both the ‘full works’, so there would be no question in Suzanne’s mind as to my intention when she awoke.
‘Good morning Clare, you look nice again this morning, ’ said Suzanne cheerfully when she eventually emerged from her bedroom. ‘It looks as if you’ve decided whether you’re going to stay as you are for the next few days.
I blushed before answering.
‘I did promise to Debbie that I would go to her party as Clare and she has offered to loan me a party dress. Also she wants to take me shopping for some shoes tomorrow, so perhaps I’d better remain as I am for the time being.’
Suzanne laughed.
‘Alright, you can blame Debbie for your remaining as Clare for the next few days, if you like, but there must soon come a time when you’ll have to take responsibility for deciding in what gender you’re going to spend your time.’
‘I’m sure you’re right, Suzanne, but it is quite difficult to come to terms with the fact that I enjoy spending time living in a different gender from the one in which I was brought up.’
She looked at my quizzically, as if she didn’t quite believe me, but didn’t say anything.
Suzanne was feeling a little stronger that morning, but she still appreciated my help in getting herself washed and dressed, and we chatted together happily as we did so. Debbie also rang during the course of the morning to wish us both a happy Christmas and I confirmed my intention of going to her party in a dress, to which she said she was pleased, but didn’t sound particularly surprised. Debbie was a natural chatterbox, but I doubt whether I’d spent more than ten minutes on any telephone call in my life until then, but now I found myself joining in quite naturally, asking about her presents and what she’d done over the holiday and describing my own and the events of our Christmas. In what seemed like no time, I realised that we’d spent more than an hour talking together.
‘Dad is beginning to make frantic gestures to me about using the phone,’ she said. ‘So what are the arrangements for tomorrow?’
‘What do you suggest?’
‘Dad will be driving me home this afternoon, and he'll stay in my flat tonight. He could bring me over to your place on his way back tomorrow morning. That way I’ll be able to bring over my dress for you to try on. If it suits you, we can then get a tube train into central London to go to the Sales and look out for a pair of shoes to go with it.
‘Alright, but I’ll need to call in to my flat to collect one or two things for Tom to wear after your party. It shouldn’t take long and we can do that on the way to the tube station I said.’
‘You’re not planning to change back before my party are you?’ she asked, slightly anxious.
‘No, but I want to have something of Tom’s to hand, just in case of emergencies.’
‘Can’t you do that afterwards?’
‘I could do so but the house is likely to be empty just now and in any event I’m going to need Tom’s bank card for our shopping trip.’
So what do you think?,’ I asked the others the following morning as I tried on Debbie’s pale pink party dress and looked at myself in the full-length mirror. ‘Does it suit me?’
I was fairly sure it looked good on me, but wanted their reassurance, all the same.
‘It looks lovely on you Clare, and is just your colour,’ commented Suzanne. ‘Of course you’ll have to change the colour of your nail varnish, but I can let you have some that will match.’
‘I knew that dress would be just right for you,’ said Debbie. ‘You’ll look great wearing it on Saturday night, especially if you put your hair up in that style again. So it’s now just a question of our finding you the right pair of shoes to go with it.’
‘Alright then, give me a moment to put on another dress and I’ll be ready to go out,’ I replied.
As arranged, we called in to Tom’s flat on the way to the tube station; there was no sign of anyone else in the building at the time and it was very cold.
‘It looks as if the landlord has turned off the heating for the Christmas holiday as nobody was around,’ I said as I turned on the knob to open the vent of the electric storage heater and got no response.
‘Well you’re not going to be staying here for the next few nights so you needn’t worry about it now,’ said Debbie, anxious to get going.
I found Tom’s bank card, and started to put various items of his male attire into a plastic carrier bag.
‘Clare, you’re not planning to cart that bag around the West End whilst we go shopping today are you?’ said Debbie.
‘Well we’re only going to buy a pair of shoes.’
‘You don’t know that, you may find something else to take your fancy as well. You aren’t going to have need of any of Tom’s clothes for several days, so why not leave them here, for now, and collect them later?’
‘Alright then, I suppose you’re right,’ I said, putting down the bag on top of the heater. ‘Maybe we can collect them on our way home tonight.’
Debbie was right, not only did we find a dainty pair of white strappy sandals, with just enough of a heel to look good, that would go well with the dress, but there was also a matching handbag, both at a bargain price. Debbie also pointed out to me a nice pair of earrings and a matching necklace that would go well with the dress and I bought myself several pairs of tights. The total for all my purchases came to £40 more than the money I’d been given, which was a lot for me to spend on an outfit for a single party, but she was right, they did all go well together. I withdrew the remainder from an ATM, thinking that January was going to be a bleak month for Tom. Debbie also purchased a number of bargains for herself, and so as we made our way back to Suzanne’s flat, all thought of making a detour to collect yet another bag containing Tom’s clothes was forgotten.
How did you both get on today?’ asked Suzanne, when we returned.
‘Pretty good, you can come and have a look at what we’ve bought if you wish,’ I replied.
We showed off our purchases, and I again tried on Debbie’s dress, this time with the new shoes and the necklace and earrings, just to confirm that they looked well together.
‘That dress shows off your cleavage rather nicely, but I do see a slight sign of the join?’ commented Debbie.
‘Yes, I know. Although I managed to stick them on quite firmly I didn’t do quite as good a job as you did. However, I’m getting quite used to having them.’
‘Maybe we should check up on them one more time, just to make sure that everything will be ok for the party?’
I agreed and stripped to the waist and Debbie applied the solvent and then carefully peeled off each breast. I felt a little discomfort as they came off, but once they were off there was no discoloration of the skin underneath.
‘These have been on now for twelve days. Are you sure they’re not sore?’ asked Debbie.
‘I did leave them off for one night before Christmas, but most of the time they feel fine,’ I replied.
‘Good, but I suggest that as you aren’t planning on doing anything energetic for the next couple of days, you should leave them unglued until my party, to give your skin a chance to recover. The forms should be ok as long as you’re wearing a bra. If you wish I’ll help you to stick them back properly on Saturday afternoon.
‘Would that be alright with you Suzanne, if we were to arrive a little bit early on Saturday?’ I asked.
‘Actually, I’ve been thinking this afternoon and I’m afraid that I won’t be coming on Saturday night Debbie. Thank you for asking me but I’m not really well enough to travel across London and stay up late again. I found Christmas day to be rather exhausting,’ said Suzanne.
‘Oh Suzanne, I can’t go without you,’ I said.
‘Yes you can, there will be several people that you know there, and if I were to go with you in a wheelchair, I might cramp your style. You never know you might even meet some dishy guy there, particularly as you’re going to look so good.’
I blushed at the prospect.
‘But I’ll need you to help me get myself ready and I don’t really fancy travelling across London dressed as Clare, on my own late at night.’
‘If you come over to my place during the afternoon, I would help replace your boobs and also help you to get ready,’ said Debbie. ‘You could even stay the night after the party if you’re anxious about the journey home, and don’t mind sharing a double bed with me.’
‘See Clare! You’ll be much better off without me on Saturday night. You and I will be able to spend New Year’s Eve together on the Sunday evening, instead,’ said Suzanne.
I hesitated about leaving Suzanne alone, but was now looking forward to Debbie’s party.
‘Alright, if you’re sure,’ I said a little reluctantly.
‘Yes, of course I’m sure’
‘In that case Clare, I’d better take the dress and your new shoes back to my flat now and I’ll see you sometime on Saturday afternoon,’ said Debbie.
‘Alright then, and I’ll also bring a change of clothes so I can stay on afterwards,’ she answered.
The next two days of that week were spent by Suzanne and I taking things fairly easy, eating and drinking and watching some girly films on television. Neither Suzanne nor I made any reference to my gender or choice of clothing during this time, we were just two girlfriends relaxing together. She did however remind me that I would need to change the colour of my nail polish from the deep red to a more feminine looking pink and offered to do it for me on Friday afternoon. I knew she would make a much better job of both my fingers and toes than I would, so I let her go ahead. I’d grown quite used to having long nails and felt that they made my hands look slimmer and more graceful. I did not mind the additional chore of having to look after them.
In retrospect, Suzanne was probably wise in declining to go to the party on Saturday. She seemed to tire quickly and needed help to get up and also to get ready for bed. I was happy to provide this help but was becoming anxious about how she would cope once I returned to my flat after the holiday. It was also just as well that I’d decided to remain as Clare, since Christine and Eleanor called round unexpectedly on Friday evening for a final farewell to Suzanne. They planned to visit relations over the New Year and then would be leaving immediately afterwards.
‘Please look after our friend, Clare,’ said Christine when they were out of earshot of Suzanne, ‘she isn’t at as well as she pretends to be.’
‘I know that and I promise I’ll do my best to keep an eye on her,’ I replied.
I actually meant it. Although I wouldn’t be living with Suzanne in the New Year I’d only be a few streets away, and had resolved to do as much as I could for her until she found some more permanent help.
By the Saturday it had been six weeks since I’d first dressed as Clare, and fifteen days since I’d lived entirely as a young woman. For once I decided to wear some slacks, but my chosen top, my long hair and makeup all proclaimed my adopted gender. I helped Suzanne to get up and ensured that she was set up comfortably for the day, and had everything she might need. I borrowed a small weekend case and packed my makeup and a change of clothing, before leaving the house.
‘Are you sure that you are going to be alright tonight Suzanne?’ I asked as I was leaving.
‘Yes of course, it’ll just take me a little bit longer to get myself ready — that’s all.’
‘You have my mobile number if you get in to any difficulties — I could always take a taxi back.’
‘I would call an ambulance first, now please don’t worry about me Clare, just go and have a good time tonight. You can tell me all about it when I see you tomorrow afternoon.’
I gave her a hug and then made my way to the tube station with a mixture of emotions. I was excited about the prospect of the party, sad about Suzanne’s condition and worried for her future, and also confused about whom I really was and, more to the point, whom I wanted to be. The latter part of 2006 had certainly been a disconcerting time for me and I wondered what 2007 might have in store.
Chapter 14
Debbie’s party
I arrived at Debbie’s house just over an hour after leaving Suzanne having negotiated my way across central London to Debbie’s house in Balham. She lived in a large Victorian family house which had been let to a group of young professional women, all in their early twenties. They had jointly decided to organise a New Year party for their friends.
Debbie answered her doorbell; she was wearing jeans, a baggy top, and large rollers in her hair.
‘Hi Clare, it’s good to see you, please come in,’ she said kissing me on the cheek. I handed over a bottle of wine as my contribution to the party, and also some flowers for her room, that I’d bought at the station. She showed me up to her bedroom on the first floor. It was quite large, somewhat more so than my own bed sit, and she also had access to a shared kitchen. Her room was furnished with a large built-in wardrobe, a dressing table, and an en-suite shower and toilet. I noticed my party dress was hanging on the wardrobe doors and my new shoes were on the floor underneath.
‘We’re going to have to share the shower and dressing table, but we should be alright. Now let’s sort out your boobs first of all, whilst the others are out, they should be back fairly soon and we do tend to wander in and out of one another’s rooms, so you should be a little careful,’ suggested Debbie.
‘Fine, I’m quite looking forward to having my boobs attached to me once again.’
‘Things do seem to have changed since I first put them on you a fortnight ago,’ she commented smiling.
‘Yes, I believe they have,’ I replied.
I stripped to my waist once again and lay on the bed. Debbie carefully replaced my breast forms and disguised the joins. Twenty minutes later it was as if they were a part of me once again. During this time we heard various female voices downstairs, as her housemates and their friends returned.
‘Thanks a lot Debbie, I feel so much better now that they are securely in place again.’
Debbie smiled, and I began to get myself dressed.
‘Will you need any help with your hair or your makeup later on?’ she asked.
‘I hope I’ll be able to manage alright, I’m now quite used to putting on makeup and Suzanne has been showing how to put my hair up, but I would welcome a last minute inspection just to be sure I look ok.’
‘Yes of course and you can do the same for me. If you like we can get ourselves ready together later.’
‘I should like that as long as I’m not in your way.’
‘I’m a little ahead of you,’ she said, pointing to her rollers. ‘So why don’t you come up at about six o’clock and take a shower, I’ll join you about ten minutes later.’
‘That sounds good to me. Is there anything I can do to help with the preparations in the meanwhile?’
Yes, by all means, come down and meet everyone in the kitchen and perhaps you could help preparing some snacks for an hour or two, but don’t leave it too late to get yourself ready.’
‘Do any of your housemates know about Tom?’ I asked hesitantly.
‘No. The only people who know your secret are me and your two colleagues, and I’ve sworn them both to secrecy. It’s therefore up to you to ensure that nobody else finds out or even suspects during the course of the evening, unless of course you want them to know,’ answered Debbie.
‘Thanks, I’ll do my best to keep things the way they are.’
We joined several other young women who were all about Debbie’s age in the kitchen and my friend introduced me to them as her workmate. My outlook and approach to life had changed since I’d become Clare and I now had more confidence. I soon found myself something to do to help and joined in the general conversation around the table, whilst Debbie continued with other last minute preparations for the party. It didn’t occur to me to be anxious about being unmasked.
Eventually, at about 6.00 pm I excused myself to go upstairs to begin to get myself ready for the evening. Debbie arrived, as promised, soon after I’d emerged from the shower, dressed in my underwear, and had begun putting my hair in rollers, and using her dryer. By the time she emerged from the shower she had just about caught up with me, but fortunately it was a large dressing table and there were two stools in the bedroom and so we could sit and do our makeup together.
‘You really are getting good with makeup Clare,’ said Debbie as she watched me do my eyes.
‘Thanks; I guess I’ve had a very good teacher over the last few weeks,’ I replied.
‘But Suzanne appears to have had an enthusiastic pupil.’
I shrugged.
‘Yes, I do quite enjoy making up my face and doing my hair.’
‘I used to do so as well, but when you have to do it every day for work some of the shine wears off, but I always enjoy getting ready for a special occasion.’
‘You always look smart when you come to work,’ I added.
‘You could too, if you wanted. I’m sure that Karen wouldn’t mind.
‘I don’t think so,’ I replied without exploring that topic further.
Instead we got to discussing Suzanne’s condition and our shared concerns for her future.
Once I’d finished with my hair and makeup and put on the new necklace and earrings, I put on the dress that Debbie was loaning to me and the new shoes. I then looked at myself in her full-length mirror. Debbie, who was almost finished herself, came up and stood behind me.
‘How do I look?’ I asked expectantly.
‘Clare you look absolutely stunning in that dress and your shoes and makeup are also just right.’
I certainly felt that I looked as feminine as Debbie, or any of her housemates.
‘You look lovely too, Debbie, but in your case it is the real thing,’ I answered with a note of sadness in my voice.
‘The real thing is what goes on up there,’ she replied, gently touching my forehead. ‘Anything else is just superficial, and, if necessary, can be fixed.’
I smiled and changed the subject.
‘Whilst we are on the subject of superficial, what about my boobs? This dress is rather revealing, are you sure that nobody will notice they’re not the real thing?’ I asked.
Debbie peered carefully at my cleavage.
‘Honestly Clare, I would never know that they were not genuine, but even in the event that someone did notice, lots of girls wear falsies these days.’
The guests began to arrive soon after 8.00pm. I didn’t know any of them, and so was quite pleased when Helen, Karen and their respective partners, arrived. My two colleagues promptly sent their escorts away to find something to drink and used the opportunity to congratulate me on my appearance.
‘You look even lovelier tonight than when we saw you before Christmas Clare,’ said Helen.
I blushed but was quite pleased by the compliment.
‘Let me have a look at these new shoes then’ added Karen
‘There you go, Debbie helped me to choose them’, I answered holding back my skirt so they were more visible.
‘They go well with that dress, and your hair looks most impressive too,’ said Helen.
‘Thank you, I styled it by myself,’ I answered proudly, ‘but please be careful what you say about me when others are in earshot.’
‘Don’t worry, Debbie has already warned us, and we both promise to be careful. So far I’ve seen nothing about you that would raise any suspicions.’
‘So this is how you’ve been dressing since I last saw you?’ asked Karen.
‘Well not exactly, I have made a particular effort for tonight.’
‘But we’ll not be seeing Clare at work next week.’
‘Sorry, but no, this little adventure will be coming to an end tomorrow, by which time I’ll have fulfilled all my commitments.’
‘That’s a pity you look so nice as a girl. I’m sure that we would be happy to work with Clare rather than Tom if you ever change your mind.’
‘Thanks for the offer, Karen, but my life is quite complicated enough as it is,’ I replied.
Karen’s boyfriend returned with drinks for the three of us at that point and so the conversation moved on to other matters.
The party went well, and Debbie introduced me to a number of her friends of both sexes. She was undoubtedly the ‘life and soul of the party’, and appeared to know everyone. I noticed that she embraced several guys and was clearly having a good time, but there seemed to be nobody special at present. I couldn’t spend the whole evening chatting to my workmates and so did my best to circulate. At one point I found myself chatting with a group who clearly knew one another well, with the exception of a slightly shy young man in his mid-twenties. Gradually the others in the group moved away to dance or else to get some food, leaving the two of us together.
‘Hi, I’m Andy. May I get you a drink?’
‘I’m Clare, and no thanks I already have one on the side there, but if you’re going into the kitchen you can bring me back a bite of food if you like,’ I replied smiling.
He did as I asked and soon returned with a plate of food finger-food, which we shared as we chatted together for half an hour or so. It transpired that he’d worked with Debbie in her previous job with a firm of stockbrokers and like me, he didn’t know many others at the party. He then asked me about how I came to know Debbie. I didn’t want to admit that I worked with her as then it would mean that I lived in London, and I could see that he was edging towards asking me out. So I made up a story that we were old friends and that I’d been staying with another friend in London over Christmas but would be returning home to Loughborough on New Year’s day.
‘That’s a pity, I was about to offer to show you some of the sights of London,’ he said.
I smiled that I’d been right in my prediction.
‘Thanks for the offer Andy, but I’m afraid I have to get back to work on Tuesday, and it’s a little too far to travel down from Leicestershire for an evening out,’ I replied.
He sighed and looked disappointed but accepted the situation and changed the subject. We stayed talking to one another for some time and enjoyed one another’s company. I even decided that I would dance with him if he asked me, but before he did so I noticed that Karen and her boyfriend were about to leave.
‘Goodbye Karen, I’ll see you on Tuesday’ I said.
She kissed me on the cheek and whispered in my ear.
‘Goodbye Clare, it has been really nice meeting you and please think about my suggestion.’
I smiled but said nothing.
Karen’s departure was followed soon afterwards by Helen and her husband, and one or two other guests. The party was now beginning to break up and I noticed that Andy was on the point of leaving, so I went over to say goodbye.
‘Goodbye Andy, it was nice talking to you’ I said smiling.
He looked as if he wasn’t sure whether to believe me or not, but decided to do so.
‘Are you sure I can’t telephone you sometime?’ he asked, hopefully.
‘Sorry, it wouldn’t really be practicable, but it has been nice to meet you,’ I replied.
I felt awkward and also a little sorry for him, knowing what it was like for a guy to lack confidence in social situations. On impulse, I went to kiss him on the cheek, but at the last moment he turned his head and I ended up kissing his lips. For a moment it seemed quite pleasurable, but then I felt the tip of his tongue and felt a pain between my legs as my penis began to grow. So I quickly turned away from him and returned inside, without looking back, knowing that my cheeks had turned bright red.
Once the guests had left Debbie’s housemates disappeared to their bedrooms together with their boyfriends. Debbie and I did a quick survey to make sure that everything was ok, but decided to leave the bulk of the clearing up until the morning.
‘I must say Clare, you were an absolute triumph tonight. You looked lovely in my dress, and I sure that nobody who didn’t already know would have suspected your secret.’
‘Thanks, it was good fun, but I’m glad it’s over now. However you appeared to be having a good time as well,’ I commented.
‘Yes it was a good chance to catch up with some old friends. By the way did I see you snogging with my friend Andy?’ she asked laughing.
‘It wasn’t supposed to be a snog, just a goodbye kiss on the cheek which missed its target,’ I replied blushing.
‘Did you like him then?’
‘He was ok to talk to, although perhaps a little shy.’
‘A bit like Tom used to be in that respect.’
‘Maybe, but it was Clare he was talking to tonight.’
‘Will you be seeing him again?’
‘No, I wouldn’t give him my telephone number, there’s no time and it would all be too complicated’ I answered.
‘That’s a pity, I think you two would go well together’.
‘I’ll just change out of this dress and these shoes and then help you to clear up after the party,’ I said wishing to change the subject.
‘I would rather do it in the morning when the others will be around as well, if you’re still willing to help then,’ said Debbie.
‘All right, as long as we can make a reasonably early start. I should like to look in on Suzanne by lunch time, then there will be the complex an arduous task of changing myself back in to Tom,’ I replied.
‘Remember that you’ve promised to spend tomorrow evening with Suzanne and Monday is a Bank Holiday, so you could change back then.’
‘Yes I suppose so. It has been a great couple of weeks living as Clare, but I’m soon going to have to pick up the threads of Tom’s life once again.’
Debbie didn’t respond but led the way upstairs to her room.
Ever since that first Sunday when we met, Debbie appeared to have accepted me as Clare, and she had no inhibitions about getting undressed in front of me or even sharing her double bed. She didn’t need to spell out that it was just two girlfriends sharing a bed in order to get some sleep, it was just understood between us. So we chatted happily together as we removed our makeup.
‘How are your boobs?’ asked Debbie.
‘Fine thanks, how are yours?’ I asked with a smile.
‘Clearly they aren't as attractive as yours,’ she replied smiling. ‘I noticed a couple of guys peering down your cleavage during the course of the evening.’
I blushed, as I hadn’t really been aware.
‘I guess that dress is a little revealing.’
‘Don’t worry, you’ll know better next time, but what I meant to say was: are they comfortable and still on securely?’
‘ They feel fine. At present they feel as if they could happily stay in place forever.’
I blushed again, not having intended to spell out what was then going through my mind. Debbie noticed my embarrassment and decided not to pursue the issue.
‘Do you need to borrow some of my pyjamas?’ she asked.
‘No I’m fine thanks, Suzanne bought me a lingerie set for Christmas with a nightdress,’ I said, retrieving it from my bag, and holding it up in front of me for her to see.
‘Very nice!’
We got into bed and turned the light out.
‘Tell me Debbie, why exactly have you devoted so much attention to Clare over the last few weeks.’
‘Selfish reasons, I guess. Tom was not exactly the most interesting colleague to work with, and whatever happens from now onwards, we’ll always have something interesting to talk about. I don’t think Tom will be able to go quite so far back into his shell again, and, in any event, I hope there will be opportunities for us to meet Clare again.’
We both got up early the next morning as I’d promised to help Debbie and her housemates to clear up after the party. I dressed fairly simply with a denim skirt and a plain top together with a minimum of makeup. As there were a number of helpers, the task of putting everything to rights only took a couple of hours, when the two others in the house returned to their respective rooms and Debbie and I stopped for a cup of coffee and some toast in the kitchen. My mobile phone started to ring. I looked at the display, expecting the call to be from Suzanne, but I didn’t recognise the number. I therefore answered the call with ‘hello’ in a non committal and androgynous voice. The caller asked to speak to Tom Evans. Only Debbie was within earshot and so I confirmed that I was Tom and tried to adopt a more masculine sounding voice.
‘Mr Evans, this is Simon Johnson of the Andrews and Johnson letting agency. I’m afraid to tell you that there was a fire in your room last night. Most of your belongings appear to have been damaged by smoke and your room is currently uninhabitable. Please will you come down to see us as soon as possible.’
Chapter 15
A happy New Year
The sudden news about the fire in my flat stunned me for a couple of seconds and I didn’t answer the agent’s question.
‘Hello, Mr Evans, are you still there?’ asked Simon Johnson.
‘Er, yes, sorry, whatever happened?’
‘The fire brigade say that you appear to have left a plastic bag containing some clothes on top of one of the storage heaters, in contravention of the notice warning you not to do so. The bag had been smouldering for a day or two, but eventually caught light when the heaters came on again last night. Fortunately, one of your neighbours noticed some smoke in the hallway and called the fire brigade otherwise the whole house might have gone up in flames.’
‘What about everything in my room?’
‘That’s why you need to come and inspect your belongings. It looks as if there’s been a fair amount of smoke damage to your clothes and other belongings, and also some damage from the residue left by the fire extinguishers. There’s also the issue of your having to find yourself somewhere else to live. I’m afraid that under the terms of your contract you will be forfeiting the damage deposit on your flat as the fire was clearly your fault. When can we meet to discuss your room?’
I thought for a moment before answering. Tom had never met the agent, but he had met several of the other people living in the house. I didn’t have time to change back into Tom, and it would only complicate matters if I were to turn up there on such an occasion dressed as Clare.
‘Mr Johnson, I’m currently staying with friends in Scotland, and can’t get down to London for a day or more, but I have a friend who knows where everything is in my room, could I arrange for her to meet you there this afternoon?’
‘Yes that’ll be alright — I’ll be at the house between one and two o’clock today.’
I closed down the call.
‘What was all that about Clare?’ asked Debbie, who had overheard my half of my conversation.
‘There was a fire in my flat last night. They want someone to go round and inspect the damage. Would you be willing to do that for me, and then come round to Suzanne’s flat and tell me the worst?’
‘Yes, of course I will, but are you insured?’
‘I do have a policy covering my personal possessions, but I’m not sure if they’ll pay out if the fire was judged to be my fault.’
‘I’m sure they will do, so as long as you didn’t start it deliberately.’
Debbie came with me on the train, and went then to talk to Mr Johnson and look at the damage to my flat, whilst I went to see Suzanne and explain what had happened. Debbie joined us about an hour later. She’d had the good sense to take a digital camera, and took out the memory card and inserted it into Suzanne’s computer so we could all see the extent of the damage.
‘I’m afraid it is pretty bad Clare. From what I can see there’s very little in your room that’s going to be worth saving. All of Tom’s clothes, your audio and video equipment and your CD collection appear to have been ruined by oily smoke or else by the extinguishers used to put out the fire. The room stinks and is going to need a fair amount of work before it can be made habitable again. The landlord is insured for the damage to his property but it won’t cover the loss of rent and he isn’t very happy with you at present. The agent is saying that you’ve forfeited your deposit and made yourself homeless, and to be honest, it would be difficult to argue with them. He therefore wants someone to collect any salvageable belongings tomorrow, so that the builders can move in on Tuesday and begin to strip the place in order to repair and redecorate it as soon as possible. They’re threatening to throw away anything that’s still there when they start work on the room.’
‘Oh my God! what am I going to do and where am I going to live?’
‘You can stay with me until the mess is sorted out,’ said Suzanne; then added as an afterthought, ‘either as Clare or as Tom.’
In all the excitement I’d momentarily forgotten about issues of gender.
‘If necessary, I’ll loan you some money to get yourself some clothes for Tom, but it might make more sense for you to continue as Clare until you get yourself sorted out, since she already has plenty to wear.’
‘But if I stay as Clare what am I going to do about my job?’
‘Karen has already offered to let you come in to work as Clare next week, if you want to. She may have said it in a lighthearted way, but all you have to do is telephone her to explain the situation,’ said Debbie.
‘But how long will it be for?’ I asked.
Suzanne shrugged.
‘As long as you wish, or feel it is necessary. Maybe it’ll be until you’ve received your insurance payment and gone out and bought some new clothes for Tom, or perhaps Karen will want to place some time limit, or I may drop dead — who knows! Let us not fix any kind of deadline or time limit — you can stay with me as long as you wish to.’
‘That is very kind of you to offer, Suzanne, but I’ve already spent the last two and a half weeks as Clare,’ I said.
‘So you will be getting used to the idea, by now,’ said Debbie with a grin.
‘What do you think I should do Suzanne?’ I asked.
‘I know what I think would be best for you, and I also think I know what you would like to do, but it is now time for you to take ownership of your decision and responsibility for its consequences,’ she replied.
Debbie nodded in agreement.
I sighed.
‘Alright, I’ll see what Karen has to say about me coming in to work as Clare.’
Debbie handed me her mobile phone which included the number of our boss. I called her number.
‘Hi Karen, it’s Clare, Tom’s alter ego, you’ll no doubt remember from last night.’
‘Of course, how could I forget someone who looked so lovely,’ she replied.
‘I’m afraid I have a bit of a problem. There was a fire in my flat last night and all Tom’s clothes and belongings have been destroyed. I’m fairly broke and so I was wondering whether I might take you up on your offer and come in to work dressed as Clare for the next few days until I’ve a chance to make an insurance claim and get myself some new clothes.’
Karen laughed.
‘Now why doesn’t this call surprise me?’ she answered. ‘Of course you can come into work as Clare, if you want to, but there was no reason for you to set light to Tom’s clothes just to make an excuse for doing so.’
‘I didn’t burn them deliberately!’
‘So how did the fire start then?’
‘I seem to have left a bag of his clothes on top of a heater, which was turned off at the time, but later came on automatically.’
‘I see,’ she said, and then paused before continuing.
‘We won’t argue about it now. I’m sorry to hear about your fire, and I don’t see why you shouldn’t come into work as Clare on Tuesday, if that is most convenient for you to do so.’
‘Thanks, do you think Helen will mind?’
‘It’s not up to her to mind or not, but why ever should she? In fact she was saying to me on the phone this morning that you are much better looking and more interesting to talk to as Clare than as Tom.’
‘I’m not sure how to take that.’
‘Don’t let it worry you, just take it as a compliment. We’ll look forward to seeing you on Tuesday morning as Clare, and as far as I’m concerned, you can continue doing so for as long as you need.’
‘Will you mention it to Head Office?’
‘Probably not, it is not the sort of thing I need to worry them about although I doubt if they would be concerned so long as your work was being done,’ she replied.
I put away the phone, turned to the others and shrugged my shoulders in resignation.
‘It looks as if Clare is going to be around in place of Tom for a little while longer.’
‘Good,’ said Debbie. ‘I think we all know that you’ve made the right decision, but, as Suzanne said, it was for you to decide.’
‘It’s as if fate is conspiring to keep me as Clare,’ I said smiling.
‘No, you’re wrong,’ said Suzanne. If that were the case then fate had also conspired to give your mother cancer or me muscular dystrophy. Nobody, not even fate, has been conspiring to keep you as Clare against your will. You have decided to do so in response to events that have happened, but you might equally have taken other courses of action. We make our own decisions and take responsibility for them.’
I didn’t respond, not being sure what I felt about my decision, and its implications. At last after an awkward silence, I changed the subject.
‘How long will these hair extensions stay in place?’ I asked.
‘They should be alright until the end of January, but we can always arrange for them to be re-secured, if necessary,’ said Suzanne.
‘I’m sure that the end of January will be more than enough time for me to get myself organised.’
‘Alright then, if you’re sure, but what about your boobs?’
‘Debbie fixed them for me again yesterday and they feel and look alright. I’ll need to keep an eye on them but they should be ok for a few days.’
‘So that seems to have sorted your problem for the time being. Now Clare, why not make a pot of tea for everyone,’ said Suzanne.
I did as she asked and we were soon talking of other things. We invited Debbie to stay with us to see the New Year in, but she’d already agreed to spend the time with her flat mates and their boyfriends, so she left us soon afterwards.
‘I’ll see you at work on Tuesday then Clare, it’ll be a brand New Year,’ she said as she left.
‘Yes, 2006 hasn’t ended particularly well for me,’ I replied.
‘I don’t know about that, if nothing else you have made interesting discoveries over the last few weeks and also found yourself a couple of new friends in the process. It may well mark the beginning of an entirely new chapter in your life.’
I didn’t press her about exactly what she had in mind.
‘We'll see. Thanks for your help and a happy New Year to you,’ I replied.
Suzanne and I spent the remainder of New Year’s Eve quietly at home together discussing my predicament and the options for the future. Eventually, at midnight, we had a final drink together to celebrate the New Year.
‘Well, Clare, do you have any resolution for the New Year?’ asked my friend.
‘I hadn’t really thought of any but it I looks as if I’m going need to get my life sorted out and begin again after the fire,’ I replied.
‘I suspect you may be staying here for a few more weeks until your insurance claim is settled, so you may as well accept the situation and enjoy yourself, as you did over Christmas,’ said Suzanne.
‘I suppose you’re right,’ I said smiling.
‘In that case may we agree that there will be no further reference to a certain young man called Tom, whilst you are staying here?’
‘Alright, at least until he gets his insurance claim, but how about you, Suzanne, what do you hope for, from the New Year?’
She sighed and looked sad, and I realised that I’d asked the wrong question.
‘I just want to carry on living for as long as I can,’ she replied.
It was a rather sombre note on which to begin the New Year and so I tried to think of something to cheer things up a little.
‘I suppose there’s one advantage to my continuing to stay in your flat, I’ll be able to help you get up and get yourself washed each morning and changed again in the evening.’
‘You see, my offer wasn’t entirely unselfish,’ answered Suzanne. ‘I must admit that it took me more than two hours to get up this morning without your help. However, if you’re going to look after me on a regular basis then I’ll have to arrange to pay you.’
‘No, Suzanne, I will certainly not accept any payment after all the things you’ve done for me over the last few weeks. I do think though that you now need to think about arranging for some regular help for yourself.’
‘Yes, I know you’re right. I’ll do so as soon as you leave me.’
I was now quite used to helping Suzanne to get ready for bed and also to get up and get herself dressed the following morning, and neither of us felt embarrassed.
‘Is there anything you would like to do today, as it is your last day off work?’ she asked me the following morning, as we shared some breakfast.
‘I thought that I’d walk over to my former flat this morning, to make sure there’s nothing worth saving.’
‘Go ahead, by all means, but aren’t you worried that one of your neighbours might recognise you?’
I shrugged.
‘Not really. If anyone challenges me, I’ll pretend to be the cousin of a certain person whom I mustn’t name, and am acting on his behalf. But it hardly matters now if someone does recognise me, I won’t be going back to live there again.’
‘After you have done that I suggest we have a quick look through your wardrobe together to ensure that you have some suitable clothes to wear at the office next week. If you’re short of anything I’m sure I’ll be able to find you something of mine to wear.’
‘I was thinking of that myself, but I can’t keep taking your clothes Suzanne but perhaps I may borrow something if you don’t mind. I’ll also buy myself some more underwear in town, assuming there are some shops open.’
‘Off you go then Clare, and I’ll see you this afternoon.
There was nobody around at the house when I let myself in to my old room and examined the scene of devastation. Various electrical items with plastic cases, including my laptop computer and radio/CD player had caught fire causing oily black smoke. My wardrobe door had been open and so this smoke had spoiled all of the clothes hanging there. There were a few items of my underwear that had been in a drawer that were still wearable although they also stank of smoke, but there was very little else worth saving. I put them in a plastic bin liner and went to see what else I could find. Fortunately, all of the important documents relating to my former self, including Tom’s passport, birth certificate and insurance policy had been stored in a metal filing box. This was scorched but still usable and the documents inside were all still intact, although smelling of smoke. I dug out my insurance policy and rang the number for the claims hotline, trying to remember to speak as I used to. I reported the fire and asked what I needed to do to make a claim. The assistant took down all the relevant details and promised to post a claims form. I explained that my flat was no longer habitable and gave Suzanne’s flat as my new temporary address. The assistant promised to note the change of address.
‘How much am I covered for?’ I asked
‘If we accept liability, you’re covered for £5000 for your belongings, but we’ll need to consult our loss adjustors first.’
‘How long do you think it’ll it take before I receive any payout?’
‘The company will normally make a decision within three weeks of the receipt of your claim form.’
A few minutes after I’d finished my call to the insurance company my mobile phone rang once again.
‘Hi Debs! A happy New Year to you!’
‘Hi Clare, and a happy New Year to you as well. You sound a bit more cheerful today.’
‘Yes, you were right; things could have been worse. At least I’ve somewhere to stay and a job to go to and two good friends, even if it does mean that I’ll be living as Clare for a while.’
‘So you’re counting your blessings?’
‘I guess so.’
‘I tried to ring earlier, but you were engaged.’
‘Yes I’m at my former flat, checking for anything that might be salvageable. You were right though, there’s very little that can be saved but I found my insurance policy and it looks as if I should be covered for the contents of my flat up to the value of £5,000.’
‘That’s good,
I relayed the details of my conversation with the insurance company.
‘How long will it all take?’
‘Two or three weeks by the sound of things.’
‘So it now looks as if you’ll be remaining as Clare for the greater of January,’ said Debbie.
‘I could approach my father for a loan, but I’d have to explain how it was that I came to be living as a woman at the time of the fire.’
‘How do you think he’d react?’
‘I’ve really no idea, it’s not the sort of thing that goes on in Tyneside — or at least among those known to me and my family. On balance, I think it may be safest if I stay as I am, He’s away at the moment and I don’t think there’s much likelihood that he’ll want to pay me a visit during January.’
‘In that case I think you’re probably wise. You may even find that the fire was a blessing in disguise.’
‘Why, what do you mean?’
‘Well, that brings me on to my main reason for calling you this morning. How did you like my friend Andy?’
‘He was ok, I suppose, a little quiet but we had an enjoyable chat. Why do you ask?
‘He’s been on the phone to me this morning; he was really quite taken with you on Saturday night. He said that he was going to be in the Midlands next week and wanted your phone number so he could drive out to see you at Loughborough.’
‘Oh dear! Whatever did you tell him?’
‘I’m afraid that I had to tell him that your situation had changed since you’d met and that you were now planning to stay in London for a while. So now he wants me to give him your mobile phone number. I said that I’d check with you first. What do you think?’
‘Thanks a lot Debbie. That would be one more thing on top of all my existing problems to make my life even more complicated.’
‘But I thought you got on quite well with him?’
‘I did, but he won’t be very happy once he finds out about my past life, will he?’
‘You don’t know that. You should at least give him the opportunity to express an opinion on the matter once he knows the whole story.’
‘You mean give him a chance to insult me and call me a freak.’
‘You don’t know that he will do that. Not all men are so hung up about their sexuality. He may still want to meet you. Don’t you want a relationship?’
‘I don’t know Debbie. I’ve always been too shy in the past to ask anyone out, but I did enjoy talking to him on Saturday night.’
‘In that case you’ll have to take the risk that he might reject you.’
I thought for a moment before answering.
‘Alright then, you have my permission to tell him the whole story about me and then see if he still wants to know my phone number. If he does, you may give it to him, but not my address. After that I’ll just play it by ear.’
‘Good idea, I’ll ring him back now and let you know his reaction.’
I shall be travelling next week so the next installment may be a day or two late. Louise.
Chapter 16
Back to the office
I took the most important documents with me when I left but decided that the few remaining clothes in the flat were probably not worth the trouble of washing and storing. In any event, I’d promised to forget about Tom for the duration of my stay with Suzanne. When he eventually re-emerged from the ashes he could have an entirely new wardrobe. I then went to a cash dispenser to check on the state of his finances. There wasn’t a lot of money in the current account, but probably enough for me to manage until the end of the month as I wouldn’t now have to pay any rent. I therefore withdrew fifty pounds. I’d noticed an advertisement in the paper that the ‘Next’ shop at Marble Arch was having a New Year’s sale, and so I took a bus, and managed to buy myself a two-pack bra set and matching knickers, plus a couple of packets of tights. I was now broke but had enough underclothes for a week at work. I’d also do some washing and sort out my wardrobe during the afternoon. I would then be in a position to decide what else I needed to buy. On the way home I had four pictures of myself taken in a photo booth as I was going to need one for the photo card to accompany my new season ticket when I went in to work the next day.
I returned to Suzanne’s flat at lunchtime and discovered that she’d already been quite busy sorting through her clothes and had found me two rather attractive two-piece suits together with coordinating blouses and accessories that would be suitable for me to wear to work.
‘These are for you Clare, and I’ve decided that you may keep my burgundy winter coat as well,’ she said.
‘Suzanne, they’re great, but I can’t keep taking your best clothes all the time.’
‘You’ll want to look smart at the office, and I can’t see any likelihood that I’m going to be wearing them again. If you like, you can treat them as a loan for the time being, as I’m intending to leave all my clothes to you in my will, so you had better make sure that you don’t put on any extra weight in the meanwhile.’
‘First of all I hope your demise will be a long way off, and secondly, what on earth would I do with so many women’s clothes once I have my own flat again?’
‘I hope you’ll be happy to wear them from time to time. I think that over the last five weeks we may have stumbled on a hitherto hidden aspect of your character. I truly believe that you are happier and more fulfilled living as Clare, than you were previously.’
I could feel myself blushing, but was saved from having to answer by the ringing of my mobile phone. It was Debbie again. For once, I was pleased to be interrupted by the call.
‘Hi Debs!’
‘Well Clare, your secret is now out to at least one guy. I’ve told Andy all about you.’
‘How did he react!’
‘Disbelief, at ,first. He thought I was winding him up, but I eventually managed to convince him that, despite appearances to the contrary, you were 100% male in body, if not in mind.’
‘Then what?’
‘At first he became quite angry with you, with me, and also with himself.’
‘I thought so, but why should he be angry with himself.’
‘He obviously still fancies you, and I suppose he feels that it must somehow undermine his masculinity to be fancying another genetic male, even one as lovely and feminine looking as you are. However, he did calm down, and in the end he even took down your telephone number. He will probably need a bit of time to think things through, but it wouldn’t surprise me if he does contact you again in a day or two.’
‘What will I say if he does ring me?’
‘Just tell him the truth and let him decide whether or not he wants to take it any further. If he does, then you’ll just have to play it by ear like any other girl.’
‘What was that all about?’ asked Suzanne, once I’d finished my call.
‘I’m sorry Suzanne, but with all the fuss over the fire and everything, I’d forgotten to tell you about the party on Saturday night. I spent some time chatting to one of Debbie’s former workmates, a young man called Andy. We got on well together and he asked me out, but I told him that I lived in Loughborough and would be returning home today. Now he has discovered that I’m going to be in London during January and has asked Debbie for my phone number. I gave her permission to tell him my number, but only after she’d explained to him about my situation first.’
Suzanne didn’t look particularly surprised by the news.
‘That was probably the wisest course of action. Do you think he’ll phone you now that he knows the truth?’
‘I doubt it; apparently he was both surprised and angry when he discovered that the girl he’d kissed goodnight was really a bloke.’
‘So you let him kiss you goodnight?’
‘I didn’t intend to, I was trying to kiss him on the cheek as he left, but he turned his head at the last minute and caught me by surprise.’
‘I see; and how will you react if he does now ring you?’
‘I don’t know, I suppose I’ll have to see how I feel. What do you think I should do if he were to ask me out?’
‘If you liked him, then go for it.’
‘But I’m not sure what I do feel about him. I’ve never had a girlfriend before as I was always too shy to ask anyone, but I’d never thought of myself as being gay.’
‘I always assumed that Tom was probably gay, although he might not be fully aware of it,’ answered Suzanne, in a matter of fact way. ‘As to Clare, just take a look in that mirror and tell me what you see.’
I did as I was told.
‘I suppose I see a young woman.’
‘Exactly. You now look, act and sound like an attractive and feminine young woman. Only you can decide what you feel inside, but I would remind you of what I was saying before you took Debbie’s call. That I truly believe that you are happier and more fulfilled living as Clare, than you used to be,’ said Suzanne.
I blushed again then sighed.
‘Maybe you’re right, but it does create all kinds of problems.’
‘But life would be a lot less interesting without them.’
Later that evening as we were watching television, I took a call from a number I didn’t recognise.
‘Hello Clare, it’s Andy, we met on Saturday.’
‘Hi Andy, I gather you’ve been let into my little secret,’ I answered as I got up and went to the spare bedroom to talk.
‘Yes, I was utterly amazed by the news — I’d no inkling when I was speaking to you.’
‘I’m quite pleased to hear that, but I wasn’t deliberately trying to trick you.’
‘But you succeeded, all the same.’
I blushed and was relieved that we were talking on the phone. I would have felt a lot less confident if we had been talking face to face.
‘So what can I do for you?’ I asked.
‘I wondered if we could meet again, for a chat and a drink one evening next week?’ if that’s ok by you.’
‘So you would still like to meet me again, in spite of what you now know about me?’
‘Yes, I think so,’ he answered.
I hesitated before answering.
‘Alright then, let’s meet to see how we get on, but there are no commitments or expectations on either side.’
‘My feelings entirely,’ he said.
‘Would you mind if we waited until near the end of the week before we met up, as I’ve a number of things that I have to sort out before then?’
‘Shall we say next Thursday evening at 8.00pm at Piccadilly Circus? I’ll be waiting for you by the statue of Eros.’
‘Alright I’ll see you then,’ I replied, wondering if there was any significance in the chosen meeting place.
Suzanne had been sitting in the chair next to me when I first took the call and so there was no way that I could avoid sharing the news with her.
‘That’s great Clare, you can’t stay in every night with me. I hope it goes well for you,’ she declared.
‘Thanks I’m not sure what to expect from our meeting, or how I feel about the idea of seeing a guy, but he seems quite keen on the idea’ I replied blushing a little.
‘Just let him take the lead, and follow your instincts,’ she advised.
‘I suppose so.’
‘So what are you planning to wear when you see him?’
‘I don’t know whether I should dress casually or try and look glamorous for our first meeting.’
‘The latter of course, half of the fun of being a girl is getting dressed up ready for a date.’
‘Well it’s not really a date, as such’
‘In that case you’ll want to give him a taste of what he might be missing if the relationship goes no further. On Wednesday night I’ll help you to choose something to suit the occasion.’
I set my alarm for 6.00 o’clock the following morning, nearly an hour and a half earlier than I would normally have done on a working weekday. I wanted to ensure that I’d enough time to get myself ready and then to help Suzanne get out of bed and dressed before I left. However, the two tasks didn’t take as long as I feared. On most days Suzanne was still able to do many things for herself, and I was now proficient at putting on my own makeup and doing my hair. As a result, I found that we had half an hour before I needed to leave for work where we might enjoy some breakfast together.
‘How will you feel about going back to work after nearly three weeks away?’ asked Suzanne.
‘I’ve enjoyed my break and especially staying with you, but I’m also looking forward to returning to work. I expect I’ll feel a little bit self-conscious to be going back as Clare, but I’m used to dressing like this now and my colleagues have all seen me before and seem to accept me.
‘Will you have to deal with customers or regular callers at the office?’
‘Not really. Most of our work is done over the phone or by electronic mail these days. I’ll have to deal with messengers and postmen in person, but nobody who regularly dealt with my former self, so I’m fairly confident that I’ll be able to pass successfully as a woman without arousing their suspicion.’
‘Well you certainly look the part in that outfit - feminine yet business-like,’ said Suzanne.
I smiled, quite pleased with the overall look that I’d achieved.
‘I’m beginning to understand how nice clothes and careful grooming can make a girl feel much more confident.’
‘So you do think of yourself as a girl now?’ commented Suzanne.
‘I suppose I do, or at least I do so when I’m dressed like this.’
‘I’m glad; it’s now some time since I’ve thought of you in any other way.’
My journey in to work was fairly uneventful. I wore a pair of thigh-length leather boots with medium heels together with my new long winter coat. I was glad not to be wearing high heels, just in case there should be any mishaps when I was travelling on the tube train to work, but I took a smarter pair of shoes with me in a bag to change into, once I arrived at work. At the station I picked up a free a fashion magazine to read on the train, feeling that it would be in keeping with my new identity, and make me feel less self-conscious if I didn’t have to make eye contact with the other passengers. Nobody appeared to take much notice of me, apart from the occasional admiring look from young men, but I was gradually getting used to that. I used a pay-as-you-go Oyster card for the first week as it did not have to be registered in any one name, but if I was going to do this long term then it would be cheaper for me to register a monthly or quarterly travelcard on the Oyster, but in that case only Clare would be permitted to travel.
I arrived at the office ten minutes early and so had time to change my footwear and carefully check on my appearance in the mirror in the toilet before my three colleagues arrived.
‘Good morning Clare. You look very smart again this morning,’ said Karen as she came in.
‘Thanks, and it’s nice to be back at work,’ I responded, smiling.
I’d decided to act as if it were the most normal thing in the world for me to be dressed as I was, and only respond if they asked me specific questions about my dress.
‘So how long are you planning to stay with us as Clare?’
‘I’m not sure really, it may be a week or two if that’s alright. It rather depends on how long it takes me to receive the payment from my insurance so that I can buy Tom some new clothes and find him somewhere to live.’
‘As far as I’m concerned you’re welcome to come into work dressed as Clare for as long as you like. However, we’ll have to agree among ourselves what you shall do or say when anyone from head office telephones or comes to visit.’
‘I suppose on the telephone I’ll just have to pretend to be Tom if anyone needs to talk to me specifically, but that doesn’t happen very often. However, it might be difficult if anyone comes to visit. When is that next likely to happen?’
‘I was expecting a visitation from the district manager in about a fortnight’s time, but I’ll know more after a meeting at Head Office on Thursday of this week. Maybe if you’re still dressing as Clare when they plan a visit you could take another day’s leave.’
‘Of course, I’ll do whatever is necessary, I don’t want to get you in any trouble,’ I answered.
Debbie and Helen both arrived soon afterwards and they likewise congratulated me on my appearance. After a brief initial conversation about the fire at my former flat, we all settled down to dealing with the backlog of work that had come in whilst the office had been closed for the holidays. As I’d been away for three weeks there was a lot for me to do and I was determined to show them that Clare was just as good a worker as I’d previously been. In fact I kept my head down all morning, and it was not until lunchtime, when our older colleagues had left the office before I had a chance to have a chat to Debbie.
‘Well Clare, has he rung you yet?’
‘Has who rung me?’
‘Andy of course, how many other men are there fancying you?’ she asked.
I smiled at the thought.
‘I thought you said it would be a couple of days to give him time to think.’
‘That’s what he said to me, but I suspect that he didn’t really mean it.’
‘Yes he rang me yesterday evening and we chatted for a while.’
‘So how did it go?’
‘I think we’re both still a little confused about things and our feelings, but we’ve agreed to meet on Thursday evening for a chat.’
‘Is that all?’
‘Maybe we’ll also have a drink together, just to get to know one another a little better and decide whether we want to take things any further.’
‘So is it a date or not?’
‘No, it’s not a date, just preliminary discussions which may, or may not, lead to a date at a later date,’ I said smiling.
‘Well good luck with your preliminary discussions, but don’t let them go on for too long. He may be a little shy but he isn’t bad looking and has a good job in the city. You could do a lot worse for yourself.’
‘We’ll see,’ I replied and then changed the subject of our conversation.
By the evening I was feeling pleased with myself. My first day back at work had gone pretty well for everyone at the office, and all four of us had worked hard to catch up with the backlog. Nobody who visited the office had questioned my gender, and the single occasion when I needed to speak to a colleague elsewhere in the company I simply reverted to Tom’s persona, and at the same time tried to add a little extra depth to my voice to sound more masculine. The strain of having got up early, worked hard and having to be careful in my demeanour at work had an effect, and I felt tired by the time I returned home. Suzanne had also had a good day and had prepared us both a nice meal and so we chatted together and I told her all about my first day at work.
The Wednesday morning followed much the same pattern as the previous day both at home and at work. Once again I was up fairly early to help Suzanne get out of bed, and then got myself ready. I turned up to work on time looking as well-groomed as before, and again experienced no problems in being accepted in my new gender by those I came across at work. In fact, I found that I enjoyed my work more in my new role, and that visitors to the office were more friendly and talkative to me as Clare than they had previously been to Tom. Where possible I avoided calling colleagues elsewhere in the company, preferring to use Tom’s email, but on those few occasions when it couldn’t be avoided, I used the same tactics as I’d done on Tuesday.
When I got home again on Wednesday I discovered that, as promised, Suzanne had spent part of her day deciding what I should wear the following evening.
‘I have this light grey wool dress, which would look good on you, with a blue neck and hem. It also has a jacket to go with it, and should look alright with your black shoes and handbag.
‘I’m sure it would look lovely on me, Suzanne, but I feel so guilty about constantly borrowing your clothes,’ I replied.
She sighed impatiently.
‘Clare, I thought we’d been through all this before; I’m pleased that my nice clothes will be used again. I wouldn’t suggest anything that I didn’t want you to wear or I didn’t think would suit you. So please, just do me a favour and at least try them on.’
I couldn’t very well argue after she’d gone to so much trouble on my behalf.
‘Alright, I suppose and I’m broke at present.’
Of course the clothes she’d suggested looked and felt great on me, as I knew they would. Suzanne had such good taste, and I would always follow her advice on matters relating to my appearance. So that was the end of that problem. I was more concerned about how I would react when I actually came to meet Andy.
but then receive some bad news
Chapter 17
Some bad news
Karen was away at her meeting of office managers on Thursday and Helen was out visiting clients so Debbie and I were in the office alone. Inevitably she asked me about what I intended to wear, later that evening, and I related the events of the previous night.
‘Don’t worry you should be able get yourself something to wear when your insurance money comes through’
‘I don’t know about that, remember I will first of all have to replace all of Tom’s clothes and pay a deposit on a new flat.’
‘But you’re surely not going to abandon Clare altogether after you’ve been doing so well over the last few weeks.’
‘I really don’t know Debbie, I feel rather confused about things at present. I’ve enjoyed myself as Clare over the last few weeks, and feel that Suzanne has begun to rely upon my help each day, but I’m a boy rather than a girl and can’t spend my life pretending to be something I’m not.’
‘I don’t see why you shouldn’t continue living as Clare a little longer as you do it so well. Maybe you’re a boy underneath but recently you’ve been acting much more like a girl. You’ve admitted that you enjoy your time as Clare, and as far as your friends are concerned she is much more fun to have around than Tom.’
I sighed.
‘Suzanne said something similar to me the other day. I guess it must be true.’
‘Of course it’s true, Karen was only saying as much to me yesterday. Do you think that Andy would have chatted to you at my party if you had been dressed as a boy?’
‘I suppose not, and I doubt if he’d want to go out with me if I turned up tonight dressed as Tom.’
Four hours later I arrived at Piccadilly Circus, unsure whether or not I was making a big mistake. Andy was already waiting for me at the base of the statue of Eros, just as he’d promised. He smiled and waved as I approached.
‘Hi Clare, it’s nice to see you again.’
‘You too,’ I replied smiling, but not altogether convinced that I meant it.
Andy seemed to hesitate about whether or not he should kiss me, but then thought better of it.
‘It’s a bit chilly out here tonight, shall be go somewhere and have a drink together?’
‘Alright, but I’d prefer somewhere fairly quiet and not too busy where we can have a talk together, if you don’t mind,’ I replied.
‘In that case let us find a hotel bar, rather than a pub.’
He led the way down Piccadilly until we found somewhere suitable, and went inside. I now felt glad that Suzanne had been adamant that I should dress smartly and take care with my makeup when I’d arrived home from work.
The waiter showed us to a quiet table in a corner of the room and then took our coats. Andy helped me to my chair, a minor attention that nobody had ever paid to me before.
‘What would you like to drink Clare?’
‘A white wine and soda please.’
He ordered my drink and a pint of beer for himself.
There was a moment’s hesitation. There were things that I wanted to say but he had asked to see me and so I was determined to let him take the lead in any conversation. I smiled expectantly.
‘I must say that you look very nice again this evening.’
I smiled and waited until the waiter was out of earshot before replying.
‘You mean I look very nice for a bloke in a dress.’
‘I didn’t say that. You look very nice — full-stop. I’ve never thought of you as anything but an attractive young woman.’
I blushed, and quietly thanked him, feeling that he had overcome the first hurdle successfully.
‘I thought you were planning to return to Leicestershire on New Year’s day,’ he said, changing the subject.
‘I’m afraid that was a lie; I’m sorry but I couldn’t very well explain to you that the reason I could not go out with you was that I was planning to revert to my true gender.’
‘No I suppose not, but it would seem that you now appear to have changed your mind and have decided not to change back.’
‘That was partly due to circumstances out of my control — my flat and all of Tom’s clothes were being destroyed in a fire, as we were speaking together on Saturday night. Now it looks as if I’ll have to remain as Clare for a couple of weeks until I can get things organised.’
‘I’m glad’ he answered tentatively.
‘Thanks very much!’
‘No, don’t get me wrong, I’m not glad about the fire, but I am glad that you’ll be around as Clare for a while longer.’
The waiter returned with our drinks before I could answer. I had to wait until he’d served them and was again out of earshot.
‘Andy, I don’t understand why you wanted to see me again after Debbie had told you about my background,’ I said.
‘I don’t know the answer to that either Clare. All I can say is that I was rather taken by the young lady that I met last weekend and got the impression that she enjoyed talking to me. It came as a bit of a surprise when Debbie told me all about you, but I suppose I wanted to discover whether I would still feel the same way about you now that I know the full story.
‘I’m sorry if you thought that I’d misled you. I didn’t set out deliberately to do so, but you just seemed quite nice,’ I replied quietly.
‘No I don’t blame you; although you did let me kiss you goodbye.’
I blushed.
‘I know and that was probably a mistake. I’m sorry.’
‘I’m not sorry, but it was something of a surprise to find that I was fancying someone who used to be a guy.’
‘Believe me it has been even more of a surprise to me. Eight weeks ago I’d never even worn a skirt, let alone gone out for a drink with a guy, dressed and made up as I am.’
‘Well you do look very nice dressed as you are.’
This comment seemed to lighten the atmosphere between us.
‘Thank you, kind sir,’ I replied smiling.
There was again a brief silence.
‘So where do we go from here?’ he asked.
‘That rather depends upon you. What conclusion have you reached now that you’ve met me again.’
‘I would like to go out with you sometime, if you feel the same way about me.’
My feelings were in a turmoil. I really didn’t know what I wanted to do, so I played for time.
‘When?’
‘How about Saturday night?’
‘Andy, before I answer you, will you tell me how you would have reacted if I’d turned up this evening dressed as a guy?’
He hesitated before answering.
‘I’ve no idea, I find it very difficult to visualise you as anything other than a pretty girl, and I’m not sure that I want to do so.’
‘You must understand that Clare won’t be around forever.’
‘I realise that, but let us see how we get on together whilst she is around and then cross that bridge when we come to it.’
I thought for a moment before answering.
‘I’m afraid that Saturday is too soon for me. Will you give me a couple more days to sort out my own feelings?’
He looked disappointed.
‘So when may I ring you?’ he asked.
‘How about next Tuesday.’
‘Very well Clare, I’ll call you on Tuesday,’ he said touching my hand, ‘and maybe we can go out together afterwards.’
‘We’ll see.’
‘What are we going to do about this evening?’
‘I suppose we both have our drinks so there’s no reason why we shouldn’t stay for a chat for a little while longer, if that is ok with you.’
‘Yes, I’d like that,’ he said.
In the event we spent the next hour or so chatting about our respective lives and jobs. I tried to avoid saying too much about my past as a young man, and so was happy to let him talk about his job in the City. From this I gained the impression that he was doing fairly well and was comfortably off, but worked long hours and didn’t seem to have had many girlfriends. Eventually we shared a taxi home that dropped me off first. I offered to pay half of the fare but was quite relieved when he refused. I kissed him quickly on the cheek and thanked him for the drinks.
‘I’ll call you on Tuesday then,’ he said.
‘Alright,’ I answered, smiling. ‘I’ll look forward to that.’
‘So how did it go then?’ asked Suzanne as soon as I arrived back in the flat.
‘We got on alright, I think. We just had a drink together and a chat about how we felt, about things.’
‘So what was the conclusion? Will you be seeing each other again?’
‘He asked me to go out with him on Saturday, but I suggested that he should call me on Tuesday instead.’
‘Clare, be careful that you don’t play too hard to get.’
‘I don’t want to mess him around, but I felt I needed a little time to sort out my own feelings first.’
‘Alright then, but don’t leave it too long, if you don’t want to lose him.’
‘At the moment, Suzanne, I don’t know what I want.’
Karen was already in the office, looking rather anxious when I arrived for work the next morning. As soon as I’d taken off my coat and changed my boots, she asked to have a word with me before the others arrived. We used the small meeting room that was reserved for any private interviews or discussions with clients.
‘Clare, I’m afraid I’ve some rotten news for you at the start of a New Year. The company has decided that this office is overstaffed compared with others and so they won’t be renewing your current contract when it expires at the end of February. I’ll be allowed to recruit a part-time assistant in your place. I explained to them that you’ve worked hard and had been doing an excellent job over the last nine months, but I’m afraid they didn’t want to set a precedent, which the other office managers might use to argue for more staff. As you were only on a fixed term contract they were adamant that the office will only be permitted to employ one and a half assistants in future. I’m so sorry.’
‘Oh!,’ I said, taken aback by the unexpected news, ‘When do I have to leave?’
‘The company will honour your existing contract to work until the end of February. I’ve also managed to get the concession that if you find yourself another job and want to leave before that time they’ll not require you to work the usual four-week period of notice, although they’ll pay you as if you had.’
‘I suppose if I’m going to be paid until the end of February I’ll at least have enough time to re-establish myself as Tom and look for something else,’ I replied.
‘They have left it up to me to recruit someone for the part-time post once you’ve left. I would be more than happy to offer that job to Tom, or indeed to Clare, if you were interested,’ said Karen.
‘So getting rid of me has nothing to do with my coming in to work dressed as Clare.’
‘Absolutely not, nobody at head office knows about you, and even if they did they would probably only worry if it was affecting your productivity. They’re really only concerned with the balance sheets. Would you consider working part-time for a few months? Maybe I could try and make a case for a full-time post again later on?’
Karen looked distinctly embarrassed by having to give me this news.
‘Thanks for the offer, but I could only just manage financially when I worked full-time, there’s no way that I could afford to go part-time unless I found myself another job as well.’
‘In that case I’m really sorry that we’ll be losing you, and hope you will find another job very quickly. I promise to give you an excellent reference if you need one.’
I took a few minutes in the toilet to gather my thoughts, dry my eyes, and repair my makeup before I went out to face the sympathy of my colleagues. Tom would never have cried in such circumstances, but somehow I felt it was allowable to Clare. In the meanwhile Karen explained the unhappy situation to the others as they arrived for work. The news cast a shadow over the office and conversation was rather subdued throughout the morning. Debbie did however offer to take me out for coffee and a sandwich together at lunch time.
‘So what are you going to do Clare?’ she asked.
‘I’ll see if Suzanne will be willing to loan me the money to buy some clothes for Tom this weekend and then get rid of these hair extensions, which will soon be reaching their sell-by date. I can’t very well go job hunting looking like this,’ I said looking at my manicured and polished finger nails. ‘It was Suzanne who got me into this mess after all, so maybe she will help me get out of it.’
‘You can’t blame Suzanne for the fire in your flat or for losing your job, for that matter,’ said Debbie.
I sighed.
‘No I suppose not, in fact she has been very kind to me over the last few weeks.’
‘Where will you stay?’
‘If I can find a new full-time job I should be alright once the insurance payment comes through and I can afford to pay a deposit on a flat, but in the meanwhile I’m hoping that Suzanne will take pity on me for the next couple of weeks.’
‘You could, if necessary, sleep on my settee until your cheque arrives but it’ll not be very comfortable.’
‘Thank you, that’s very kind of you to offer Debbie, but for the time being shall we change the subject and talk about something a little more cheerful.’
‘Alright then Clare, before I heard your news this morning I was dying to ask how you got on with Andy last night.’
‘We had an enjoyable time, once we’d both got over a little bit of awkwardness at the outset. In fact I’d just decided that I would take the plunge and go out with him on a date next week, when Karen broke the news to me this morning.’
‘So you’ve not made any specific arrangements to see him then?’
‘No, we left it that he’d ring me next Tuesday, but I’m afraid he will now find himself speaking to Tom when he does.’
‘He may still want to take you out, nevertheless’
‘No I don’t think so. I don’t think either of us is ready to go out in public as two guys on a date together.’
‘I’m sorry Clare, and just when things were beginning to go so well for you.’
I felt quite bitter with my employers, but it was clearly nothing to do with Karen or my colleagues. I determined that I would continue to work hard until I left, after all I might need a reference from them at some time.
As soon as I got home that evening I broke the news to Suzanne.
‘So what are you planning to do?’ she asked.
‘I’ve been looking around this afternoon and there seems to be plenty of work around, but I’m now going to need to change back into Tom as quickly as possible so that I can start applying for jobs and attending interviews. I was wondering whether you might be prepared to loan me some money to buy some clothes. I would promise to repay you as soon as my cheque arrives.’
‘Of course I will, although I’m going to miss having Clare around. I only have thirty pounds in my purse at present, but you’re welcome to use Clare’s debit card to spend a couple of hundred pounds. Will that be enough?’
‘Yes, thank you Suzanne, but that means I’ll have to go shopping tomorrow dressed as Clare.’
‘I guess so, but that shouldn’t be a problem, no-one would think it unusual for a girl to be buying men’s clothes.’
‘No, I suppose not, and I’ll also need to make an appointment with the hairdresser to have these extensions taken out.’
Suzanne sighed.
‘I expect I can sort out your hair and give you a male haircut without you having to go to the hairdresser,’ said Suzanne. ‘But what will you do about your living accommodation?’
‘I should be alright as soon as my insurance money arrives. May I stay here for a little while, until I’ve a chance to explain to my father and borrow some money for a deposit on a flat.’
‘I won’t be throwing you out on to the street, but you can only stay for a couple of weeks as it’s becoming daily more apparent that I’ll soon need to employ a live-in helper.’
‘Yes I realise that, Suzanne. Of course I’ll continue to help you as much as I can but you’re going to need a female nurse and so I promise to leave as soon as I can.’
The news created an air of gloom over the flat for the rest of the evening and neither of us said very much more. We both went to bed early. Once I’d helped her to get changed I lay in bed thinking about my future and also the changes to my life over the last few weeks.
Chapter 18
A Proposition
Dad and his lady friend were due to return from their Winter cruise on 6th January, the day after I heard that I would lose my job, so perhaps it was just as well that I’d decided to change back to Tom. Life was quite complicated enough without having to make awkward explanations about what I was doing. An awful lot had happened to me during the five weeks since I’d travelled up to see them both before they left. For four of those weeks I’d been living as Clare full-time, and had even been to work as her as well. I’d attended a party dressed as a woman and had happily spent time chatting to a guy there. I’d even been out with a him for an evening afterewards, something I’d never have dreamed of doing. During the same period I’d lost my home, most of my belongings and would soon be losing my job. Life had certainly been eventful, but the time had come for me to begin my transition and to pick up the pieces of Tom’s life. I had to admit to myself that I wasn’t exactly looking forward to the prospect.
However, before I could do anything, I would have to go out and buy some new clothes for Tom, using Clare’s debit card. I’d enjoyed my shopping trips with Suzanne and Debbie over the last few weeks, and would miss getting myself ready each morning. I therefore decided that Clare could at least look her best for one last time. As soon as I’d helped Suzanne to get up and get herself showered and dressed, I went to my room to choose myself something nice to wear and began to get myself ready to go out. Suzanne joined me half an hour later having put on some makeup in the meanwhile.
‘You’re looking very smart again this morning Clare,’ she commented as she came into my bedroom.
‘Thanks,’ I replied, pleased that she had noticed.
‘I thought you were only intending to go out to buy Tom a few clothes this morning,’ she continued.
‘Yes, I am, but I’m going to miss putting on my makeup and doing my hair each morning, so I thought I’d make a particular effort on this last occasion,’ I replied diffidently.
My answer seemed to please her and she sat down on the bed, and rested her crutches next to her.
‘Do you mind if I stay and watch you for a while?’
‘Of course not,’ I said a little surprised. ‘In fact it reminds me of that first weekend in November when you showed me how to put on makeup for the first time.’
I continued to put the finishing touches to my eyes. Using eye-liner and mascara had become almost second nature to me. I then expertly put on some lipstick and a couple of dabs of face powder before checking for any small blemishes that I’d missed.
‘You’ve learned quickly how to use makeup, without over-doing it.’
It was true, but nice to be reminded of the fact, all the same.
‘Thanks, I had a very good teacher, but I’m usually quite pleased with the result these days.’
I started to brush my hair into its usual style. There was extra work involved in having long hair, but I enjoyed looking after it. Suzanne continued to watch me.
‘If you hadn’t lost your job, would you have been prepared to stay living as Clare for a while?’
‘Yes I suppose so, for a little while at least,’ I replied not knowing what she was getting at.
‘How long for?’
I shrugged.
‘I don’t really know — a few weeks, maybe? I was going to play it by ear and see how I felt about things. After all, I’d only just talked myself into going out with Andy.’
‘Yes, what is going to happen about him now?’ she asked.
‘I suppose we’ll both have to accept that events were against us, and it was never meant to be,’ I said a little sadly.
‘That’s a pity.’
I didn’t respond, as I wasn’t sure what I thought about the matter, so instead I continued to brush my hair. I could see Suzanne’s face reflected in my dressing table mirror and no doubt she could also see mine. There was a short silence as I inserted a pair of earrings in the holes in my ears; this was another skill I’d acquired without realising it.
I was now almost finished and was just collecting up the various items of cosmetics to put away in my handbag, when I noticed that Suzanne was still looking at me, as if there was something she wished to say, but was not sure how to say it. This was unlike her as she was usually quite confident and spoke her mind. I turned round and smiled at her.
‘Suzanne is there something you want to say to me?’
‘Yes Clare, in fact I’ve a proposition to make to you,’ she said tentatively.
‘What kind of proposition?’ I asked, stopping what I was doing for a moment.
‘My doctor came to visit me yesterday whilst you were out at work and we had a long talk about my future. He says he is now concerned about my living on my own, but I told him that I’m not ready to move into full-time nursing care. I also explained that I had a girlfriend staying with me for a few weeks whilst she was looking for a flat, and that she was helping me get up and go to bed. This satisfied him for the time being, but we both know that I can no longer manage at home on my own. Of course I didn’t realise then that you would be wanting to look for another job so soon. If you do decide to go back to being Tom again and find yourself another job, I will loan you the money for a deposit on a flat and to buy yourself some clothes, but I would want you to move out as soon as possible, so that I can find myself a care-giver who can live in. However, if you remember, at the end of November I jokingly suggested that you might like to become my paid live-in nurse. At the time you raised two objections: that you already had a flat and a job. Both of those objections no longer seem to apply. If you were interested, I could to employ you as a part-time helper, and would pay you enough to make up for your loss of earnings. You could then continue to work part-time at your office.’
‘I couldn’t accept any payment from you Suzanne, you’re my friend. Helping you to get dressed is the least I can do for you.’
‘I’m soon going to need more help than just getting up and going to bed. Please at least think about my offer, Clare. After all, it’s going to be difficult enough for me to find a care-giver who can live in. If I do find someone, I may not even like them. At least I know that we get on well together, and that I can rely on you. If you accept my proposal I would pay you the difference from what you currently receive but it would be cash in hand rather than subject to tax, so you would be better off. There would be certain conditions attached to my offer though,’ she continued.
‘What sort of conditions?’
‘First of all, I want you to understand that this offer is only being made to Clare. If you accept you must agree to remain as you are now and forget all about Tom for the duration of your employment with me - however long that may be. I don’t want to end my days being looked after by Tom, or even by a part-time Clare. In return, I’ll provide you with all the clothes and anything else that you might need to live as a woman full-time.’
I noted her words but didn’t respond to this point.
‘Secondly, I want you to promise to remain with me until I die, even if it eventually means you have to give up your job and work for me full-time. I really do not want to spend my last days in a nursing home or hospital, and have made that quite clear to the doctors.
I also want you to arrange for my funeral and cremation and be the executor of my will. If you agree to do these things for me, I promise to make it worth your while. I believe that I can trust you. There is nobody else I can ask. My only surviving relative is a cousin in Australia whom I’ve not seen in several years. I expect that she’s forgotten that I even exist. My only friends, other than you, have just gone abroad.
I sighed, feeling truly sorry about her bleak prospects, but not sure what to do.
‘My goodness Suzanne, I agreed to stand in as your cousin for one evening and now you’re asking me to spend the next few months, maybe even years, living as a woman full-time,’ I said, trying to lighten the atmosphere a little.
‘No Clare, it may be a few weeks; a few months if I’m lucky, but it certainly won’t be years,’ she said sadly. ‘Believe me I am well aware of the seriousness of my condition and its likely outcome.
I didn’t know what to say in response to her. Of course I was desperately sorry for her, and also grateful for everything she had done and was doing for me, but what she was suggesting would take things to a new level. There was an awkward silence.
‘I know that I’m asking a lot of you, but I wouldn’t have made the suggestion if I’d not been convinced that, deep down, you prefer living as Clare and will continue to do so.’
Was this so? I looked down at my long lacquered finger nails and suspected that she was right, even though I’d not entirely come to terms with the fact myself.
‘I suppose I have said to you that I’ve enjoyed my time staying with you as Clare,’ I began, but Suzanne interrupted.
‘Actually, it was pretty obvious to both Debbie and me without your needing to say so, otherwise we would not have pressured you in the way that we did,’ she said smiling.
‘I’m glad that you did,’ I said blushing. ‘But I need to think about any potential problems with your plan. What would happen if my employers discovered that one of their male employees was coming in to work dressed as a woman and it became impossible for me to continue working at the office?’
‘I don’t think that is likely to happen, but if it did, you could either work for me full-time or else look out for another part-time job as Clare.’
‘How would I do that without the necessary identity documentation?’
‘Don’t forget that I have a birth certificate, a National Insurance number, and a bank account in the name of Clare Alice Simpson. You could walk into any job using that name at any time. In fact I would suggest that, if your office manager agrees, Tom should give in his notice on Monday and that Clare should apply to take over as soon as he leaves.’
‘Surely someone is going to check and I could be prosecuted if they ever found out that I was living under somebody else’s name,’ I said.
‘That would be a possibility, but there’s no reason why anyone should find out as long as you lead a quiet and law-abiding life in all other respects. I also have an Australian passport in that name that will soon need to be renewed. It’ll be a relatively simple task to get a new one with your photograph and your signature. Clare Simpson already has indefinite leave to remain in the UK and doesn’t need a work permit. She could even apply for UK citizenship if she chose to do so.’
‘Suzanne, how is it that you possess this duplicate identity?’ I asked.
‘There are reasons, which I’ll explain to you at some future time, but only if you agree to my proposition.’
I stopped for a minute or two to think through the implications of what she was suggesting to me. In some respects I found the prospect quite exciting, but it would also have many far-reaching implications for me as well. I’d always enjoyed my time as Clare, but there had always been an end in sight.
‘So what do you think about my proposition, young lady?’ she asked at last.
‘Suzanne, you’re looking for quite a commitment from me. I’m going to need a little time to think about it.’
I think she was a little disappointed that I hadn’t immediately accepted her offer, but on the other I hadn’t turned it down either.
‘Alright then; I realise that what I’ve just proposed will take some thought on your part, and that you’ll need to take a little time to decide what to do, but in the meanwhile don’t go shooting off to the shops to buy a whole load of men’s clothes that you may not ultimately need.’
‘If I agree to postpone my shopping trip, will you let me have until tomorrow to make my decision.’
‘Yes, of course, tomorrow will be fine, but I won’t be able to afford to leave it much longer.’
‘I know,’ I replied.
Suzanne got up and made her way back to her own bedroom on crutches without saying anything more. There was no doubt that she was right, she did now need help. I’d noticed the deterioration in her condition over the last two months; she was often now breathless and the slightest exertion would tire her out. My presence in her flat for the last few weeks had disguised the fact that she would not now be able to manage if she were to be left on her own. I absent-mindedly started brushing my hair once again as I thought about the implications of what she’d just said.
I needed to think things through on my own, without the proximity of Suzanne. I was dressed and ready to go out but I’d done all of our shopping for groceries on Wednesday evening and didn’t now have to go shopping for Tom’s clothes. I therefore decided to take a walk in nearby Holland Park instead. It was a cold sunny day, ideal weather for clearing my head and sorting out what I wanted to do with my life.
It wasn’t as if I’d been desperately unhappy living as Tom, but I’d always felt that things weren’t quite right with my life. It was as if everything was a little bit blurred, whereas ever since I’d become Clare it was as if I’d acquired my first pair of glasses. Everything now appeared to be in sharp focus. With Tom, the colours had all seemed a little muted whereas as Clare it was like being in a 1950s Technicolour film; everything appeared to be bright and shiny. No doubt I’d soon get used to the colours and sensations of living as a woman and begin to take them for granted, but for the time being I was enjoying the novelty of wearing pretty clothes and taking trouble over my appearance.
Although there was frost still on the ground in places, I was warmly dressed in a winter coat and boots. I therefore sat on a park bench for a while turning over things in my mind. I’d been there about fifteen minutes when a guy in his twenties walked past with his dog. I could see from his expression that he quite fancied me, but I was now getting used to receiving admiring glances from guys, and this didn’t worry me too much.
‘Hello love, are you alright?’ he asked.
It was an odd sensation, half of me was quite pleased to be noticed and that he taken the trouble to ask, something that would never have happened to Tom, but the other half was exasperated that I could not be left on my own to think for ten minutes.
‘I’m fine thanks, I’m just waiting for my boyfriend,’ I replied smiling. ‘In fact I think that is him coming now,’ I said pointing to someone in the distance.
‘OK then,’ he said and we both walked off in different directions.
I clearly couldn’t stay sitting in the park all morning without the danger that I might get arrested for loitering or that someone would come over and try to chat me up. In any event, I really needed to talk things through with someone who understood my situation, other than Suzanne. My only other friend was Debbie, so I decided to ring her and ask whether I might go and see her.
‘Hi Debs, what are you doing this morning?’ I asked.
‘Hi Clare? or is it Tom that I’m speaking to now?’ she asked, apparently a little surprised by my call.
‘I thought you could tell the difference from my voice.’
‘Well it sounds like Clare, but yesterday you seemed to be adamant that you’d be reverting to Tom this morning.’
‘I know I was, but you were right first time; it’s still Clare, at least for the time being.’
‘Good; in that case what can I do for you my dear?’
‘Would it be possible for me to come over to your flat and have a talk with you later today, there’s something I need to discuss fairly urgently.’
‘Well I happen to be shopping in central London at the moment and have just bought myself a great new evening dress in one of the Oxford Street sales. As you’re still en femme you would be welcome to come over this evening if you like. Alternatively I’d be happy to meet up for lunch, if it’s urgent.’
‘Lunch would be better for me if that is alright. Shall we meet up in that café in Leicester Square where we went once before?’
‘Yes, I’ll see you there in about an hour.’
Chapter 19
Decisions and preparations for a new life
Debbie arrived at the restaurant to find me already sitting at a table examining the menu. I’d deliberately chosen a seat in the corner where we were unlikely to be overheard by the other diners. She was dressed in tight-fitting jeans, leather boots, a woolly jumper and a bomber jacket, and with minimal makeup — quite different from her normal ‘smart-professional’ look at work. Yet she still looked like a pretty girl, all the same. We must have looked an odd couple with me dressed and made up to the ‘nines’ and her so casually attired.
‘Hi, Clare, you look very smart today.’
‘You always look lovely, whether you make the effort or not,’ I replied, smiling.
‘I suppose I should take that as a compliment.’
‘Sorry, I didn’t mean it to sound rude, I just meant to say that your femininity comes from within, whereas I have to work quite hard to achieve mine.’
‘Don’t worry, it’ll come in time with practice, but yesterday you were saying that you were going to abandon Clare and return to your old life.’
‘That’s what I need to talk to you about.’
At that point we were interrupted by the waitress who took our orders. As soon as she’d gone, I related my conversation with Suzanne of that morning.
‘Wow, I could see that Suzanne was very ill but I’d no idea that her condition was quite so desperate.’
‘I suppose she only told me as she needed my help.’
‘That’s quite an offer she’s making, I assume you’re going to accept?’
‘So you think I should do so?’
‘Yes, of course I do! You’ll then be able to continue working with us at the office, and also save yourself some money.’
Then after a moment’s thought, she tempered her initial enthusiasm.
‘No, I’m getting carried away. I can see that it would be a considerable commitment on your part. You should only accept if that’s what you want to do. You’re the one who has to decide.’
‘It’ll also be emotionally grueling to have to watch my friend die, but at least I would know that I’d done my best for her. I suppose it would also solve my immediate financial and accommodation problems,’ I replied. ‘But it would mean my having to remain as Clare for some time.’
‘Well isn’t that what you want? It has been obvious to us all at work that you’re comfortable living and working as Clare, and Suzanne clearly knows it to be the case otherwise she would never have made you the offer,’ she replied.
Then, as an afterthought, she added: ‘it would also mean that you could still go out with Andy as well.’
‘I’d rather forgotten about Andy, but do you think that Karen and Helen would be happy if I continue working as Clare part-time for the next few months?’
‘Why should they object as long as you did your work? I’m sure they’d both be delighted with the idea. However, why not phone them and discuss it with each of them individually, if you need re-assurance?’
‘I may do so, but there would be other complicating matters as well.’
‘What sort of things?’
‘Whatever will I say to my father? He’s due back in the country later today.’
‘That is something for you to decide, Clare, but didn’t you tell me that he lived a long way from London?’
‘Yes, he doesn’t live far from Newcastle-upon-Tyne. I was brought up in the south, but my parents moved back there a couple of years ago.’
‘That’s nearly three hundred miles away so he’s hardly likely to be dropping round tomorrow to show you his holiday snaps.’
‘No, I suppose not, but he does visit London from time to time and also expects me to go there at Bank Holidays. He will expect to see me at Easter.’
‘That’s not until April, but if you don’t feel ready to tell him the truth, you could always say that you’re going to be out of the country for a few months and promise to keep in touch with him by email and the occasional phone call.’
‘I suppose that might work for a few weeks, although he might decide to pay a visit to wherever I’m supposedly staying.’
‘In that case you should pretend to be somewhere a long way away - on a different continent - so that he is unlikely to decide visit you at short notice.’
I thought for a moment.
‘Actually, that’s not a bad idea, Debs. He has recently found a new lady friend, and needs to make a new life for himself without me popping in to see that he is alright, just as I need to sort out my own life. If I were supposedly living in America for a few weeks I could stay in regular touch without his having to know the full story of what I was doing.’
‘There may come a time when he will need to be told the whole story.’
‘Yes, I know, but only at a time when I know what the whole story is, and also when I feel ready to tell him.’
‘So it sounds to me as if you’re inclined to accept Suzanne’s offer?’
I sighed.
‘I really don’t know Debbie. I feel desperately sorry for Suzanne, and I enjoy my time living as Clare, but, as you said, I would be entering in to a long-term commitment. If I agreed to her proposal I would not be able to back out afterwards. That’s why I wanted to talk it through with you, and ask what do you think I should do?’
She thought for a moment before replying.
‘Suzanne is undoubtedly in need of your help, but I think you should do whatever feels right for you. However, I don’t think you would be asking me unless you knew in your heart what that was.’
The waitress began clearing the dishes, leaving us both with a cup of coffee. This provided me with a minute or two to think about what Debbie had just said. She was quite right. I’d known since before Christmas what I wanted, but all the time I’d been hoping that somebody else would tell me what to do and therefore take responsibility for my choice. As Suzanne had said to me on boxing day, I had to take responsibility for my decision, one way or another, and face the consequences. I took a deep breath.
‘Alright, I’ll accept Suzanne’s offer as long as Karen is agreeable for me to carry on working as Clare.’
I could feel my heart beating as I said those words, but at the same time I felt as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Debbie touched my hand.
‘Clare, I honestly think you’re making the right decision, not just for Suzanne’s sake, but principally for your own sake as well.’
‘I hope so,’ I replied.
‘I’m sure so. I don’t think you would have dressed the way you have done this morning if there was any doubt in your mind. So why don’t you ring Karen at home now and tell her your intention and then let Suzanne know. That way, we can carry on shopping together this afternoon.’
She handed me her mobile phone which contained Karen’s number.
‘Will she mind if I ring her at home?’
‘No, of course she won’t mind; she was really worried about you yesterday.’
Having first made sure that nobody else in the restaurant was likely to overhear my conversation, I rang Karen. I told her about Suzanne’s proposition to me and her suggestion that the company should re-employ me part-time under my new name, using Clare’s documentation.
‘I’d love to have you stay on part-time, and would have no problem with you coming in to work dressed as Clare, but I’m not sure about re-employing you under your new name. After all, it could be construed as fraud.’
‘Nobody is intending to cheat the company out of anything, I’ll just do the same job as before, but for fewer hours. After all, you are only following the instructions of the regional manager at Head Office. In some respects it would make your life simpler as the names and genders of the staff actually doing the work would correspond with the company personnel records.’
Karen thought aloud for a while.
‘I doubt whether anyone at Head Office knows anything about Tom other than as a name on their books, and once he resigns he will soon be forgotten about. You do look and act the part of Clare most convincingly and so as long as you have a birth certificate, NI number and bank account in Clare’s name I suppose there shouldn’t be a problem. After all, it is not my role to check up on the backgrounds of our employees, I just forward their documents to the Human Resources Department. I don’t think they would be likely to check either. However, Helen and Debbie would also know and so they would have to agree to keep your secret.’
‘Debbie is with me at the moment and would be happy with the idea.’
‘I suspect that Helen will also be pleased to have Clare continue as her workmate; she asked me whether some arrangement could be made for you to continue working with us.’
‘Should I ring her and explain the situation?’ I asked.
‘No, leave that to me. I’ll see you on Monday morning then with Tom’s letter of resignation and Clare’s documentation.’
‘Thanks Karen, I know that you are taking a small risk for me, but I promise that Clare will be a model employee.’
‘I hope so.’
I rang off and handed Debbie her phone back.
‘From the smile on your face I assume there were no real problems with Karen,’ she commented.
‘I don’t think so, in fact I’m beginning to feel quite excited by the prospect of living as Clare full-time.’
‘I thought so, and now it’s time to give Suzanne your decision, and then there can be no second thoughts,’ she said.
‘Yes, I realise that.’
I took out my own phone from my bag and rang the flat.
‘Hi Suzanne, I’ve been thinking about your proposition all morning and I’ve spoken to my colleagues from work. I would like to accept your offer and will stay with you as Clare for as long as is necessary. If all goes to plan, I’ll arrange my working hours so that I’ve plenty of time to help you in the mornings and at night.
‘Clare that’s wonderful news, I’m so relieved that you’ve agreed to help me, and I’m sure that you won’t regret it.’
‘Thanks, I just needed a little time to recognize and then come to terms with what I really wanted.’
‘So you won’t now need to buy any more clothes for Tom.’
‘No, not for the foreseeable future, but I am going to need to buy some more items of lingerie if I’m to be living as Clare full-time. I’m with Debbie at the moment and she has told me where there are some bargains to be had. Would you object if I spent that money that you’d already agreed to lend me on clothes for Clare rather than Tom? I’ll pay you back out of my first week’s wages.’
‘No, of course I don’t mind. In fact, it’ll be a far more sensible use of the money. It is high time you started buying your own clothes and I’ll look forward to seeing what you’ve got for yourself. In fact why don’t you both come round this evening to celebrate. I’ll order a takeaway meal to be delivered.’
‘That sounds like a great idea, but hold on I’ll just ask Debbie.’
I relayed the invitation to Debbie.
‘I’m not really dressed for a celebration meal, and it would be impracticable for me to go home and change, but as long as Susanne doesn’t mind me as I am, I’ll be happy to come.’
Once again I passed on the message to Suzanne.
‘In that case I’ll see you both as soon as you’ve finished your shopping. Please would you bring a bottle of champagne back with you, Clare, and I’ll settle with you later. We can aim to eat at about seven thirty.’
After we left the restaurant we went out shopping together in the West End. I helped Debbie to choose herself a pair of shoes to go with her new dress and bought myself sufficient underwear so that there would be no danger of my ever running short, and a pack containing six pairs of tights. It was nice to be able to choose myself pretty feminine lingerie without having to worry about what other people might be thinking of me. Debbie also pointed out several other bargains to me and I tried on a dress that I liked, but managed to restrain myself from buying it. I didn’t want to get more in to debt with Suzanne than I could avoid, and needed to see how the new financial arrangements would work out.
My mobile phone rang during the course of the afternoon. I was about to respond using my recently perfected female voice which I tended to use automatically these days, when I noticed from the display that the caller was my Dad. I had therefore to think of myself into the role of Tom once more before I spoke.
‘Hello Dad, how was the cruise?’ I asked.
‘The cruise was fine thanks, son, but you never phoned us on Christmas day as you promised,’ he said accusingly.
‘I did try, on a couple of occasions, but I couldn’t get through to your ship. I suppose the lines were all busy,’ I lied.
(There was no way that I was going to risk making such a call on Christmas Day when Elaine and Christine had been present.)
‘Never mind, did you get our postcard?’
‘No, I’m afraid not; there was a fire at my old flat whilst I was away during the Christmas Holiday and I’m having to stay with a friend for a couple of weeks. But I’ll be going round to pick up my post in a few days.’
‘I hope you are covered by insurance.’
‘I believe so, but it is going to take a couple of weeks to sort out.’
‘In that case you’d better give me your new address.’
‘Well, actually Dad, my current address is only temporary as it looks as if I may be be going to the USA for a few weeks with my work.’
‘Oh that sounds interesting! Whereabouts?
‘Denver.’
(I wanted to choose somewhere fairly remote where he would never dream of visiting me.)
‘Where’s that?’
‘Colorado, I believe.’
‘You have a cousin in Boston, perhaps you could look in on her one afternoon?’
(Dad’s geography got a little bit shaky once he got outside the UK. Like many Brits he assumed that you ought to be able to visit anywhere in a country with half a day’s driving.)
‘I don’t think that will be practicable, Denver is nearly as far from Boston, as Boston is from London.’
That would at least bring it home to him how far it was.
‘Oh, so when will you be leaving?’
‘In about ten days, as long as I can get a work visa in time.’
‘But how long are you going for?’
‘I’m not sure at the moment. It may be for a few weeks, I’ll know more when I get there. An opportunity came up at work just before Christmas. I’ve been offered a posting and also somewhere to stay.’
‘This is all very sudden, Tom.’
‘Yes, the chance came up whilst you were away. Someone had to drop out at the last minute for family reasons. I’ll be taking their place. I would have liked to have discussed it with you but you were away.’
He sounded quite impressed.
‘You have to make your own way in the world now, son, but I’m sorry we won’t even be able to see you before you go.’
‘Don’t worry, I saw you both just before Christmas, and it is easy to keep in touch by phone or email these days.’
‘Mobile phones can be rather expensive to use overseas, but I suppose we can use email,’ he replied.
Fortunately my father was a technophobe and he would be most unlikely ever to want to use Skype or MSN. We continued talking for five minutes or so and I made up a convincing story as to why I had to go so far and at such short notice. He seemed to accept my story, but just before we completed our call he made an odd comment.
‘You do know, son, that you can always tell me,’ he said.
‘Tell you what?’
‘I don’t know, whatever you need to tell me.’
’What I’ve got planned for the next few weeks isn’t the sort of thing a boy tells his father,’ I thought to myself.
‘Yes, of course,’ I answered and then finished the call with a sigh of relief, reverting once again to being Clare.
‘What was that all about?’ asked Debbie, who had been nearby throughout the conversation.
‘I was just making sure that my father doesn’t decide to pay me an unannounced visit over the next few weeks.’
‘So you won’t be telling him about your new way of life?’
‘No; at least not for the time being, not until I know exactly what I want to do long term,’ I answered feeling guilty.
‘Be careful that you don’t create too elaborate a fictional life or else you may get caught out.’
‘Believe me Debs, my living and working as a guy in Denver is far less far-fetched than what I’ll actually be doing in London,’ I replied.
She smiled.
‘I think you’ll soon get used to it.’
Later that afternoon I bought myself a new ‘pay-as-you-go’ sim card for my mobile phone which would give me a new number. I’d keep my existing mobile account operating until the day I was officially due to fly to the USA and then cancel it and transfer to my new number. This would give me enough time to notify my friends and colleagues before I changed over. In future though I’d only be able to receive calls that were intended for Clare. I intended to remain in regular contact with my dad, but it would be me who controlled the means of communication. I’d already set up an email account in Clare’s name by this time. Debbie also mentioned a new service called ‘Facebook’ to me, which was a means of keeping in touch with people you knew in a controlled manner. She had already created her own page and suggested that I should create two pages, one for Tom (for keeping in touch with my family] and one for Clare (for my friends and workmates. I could even make them friends with one another.
Chapter 20
Saturday night and Sunday morning
Debbie and I completed our shopping and made our way back to Suzanne’s flat, arriving at about 5.30pm. Suzanne had given me a key to her flat before Christmas, and so I let us both in; my friend was dozing on the couch, but appeared to have been quite busy and had already laid the table for our meal. We put down our shopping bags and then gently began to waken her.
‘Hi, you two, I’m sorry, I must have dropped off,’ she responded, a little breathlessly, but seemed pleased to see us all the same.
‘Hi Suzanne, are you feeling alright? I asked.
‘Yes, I’m fine thanks, I just seem to get tired so easily these days, but I’m feeling better now.’
‘Have you ordered the meal for tonight?’ I asked.
‘Yes, don’t worry, everything is in hand. I know that you both like Indian food so we’ll be having a prawn curry, but it won’t be delivered until 7.30pm so we have plenty of time. Did you buy that bottle of champagne?’
‘Actually, that is going to be my contribution to the festivities this evening,’ said Debbie, ‘I’ll put it in the fridge to chill.’
‘I’ve bought a chocolate and cream dessert for us. It won’t be good for our waistlines, but it is, after all, going to be a special occasion and we all normally eat fairly sensibly.’
‘Thanks, both of you. Once you’ve unpacked your shopping you can show me what you’ve bought today,’ she replied noticing all the carrier bags.
‘As we have nearly two hours before we’re due to eat, perhaps you would like to try on your new outfit to show us Debbie,’ I suggested.
Debbie appeared to be willing to oblige us.
‘I know,’ said Suzanne, ‘why don’t we all three of us dress up in our best frocks for the evening. I won’t have much chance to wear nice clothes now that Elaine and Christine have gone overseas.’
Of the three of us, I was already dressed smartly, but I was quite taken with Suzanne’s suggestion, both to please her, but also for my own sake.
‘Would that be alright with you Debs?’ I asked.
‘Well I wouldn’t want to be the only one wearing trousers if you two decide to dress up,’ she said smiling. ‘But I’m wearing socks so I’ll need to pop out to the convenience shop and buy myself some tights, first.’
‘You’re welcome to have one of the pairs of tights that I bought this afternoon,’ I suggested.
‘And I can provide you with any makeup you might need,’ added Suzanne.
‘Since we are going to dress up, may I wear your long grey dress once again, Suzanne; the one I had on at your dinner party last November?’ I asked. ‘I’ve been looking for an excuse to try it on again ever since.’
‘Oh yes, I saw the photographs of you wearing it and you looked lovely,’ added Debbie.
‘I’m afraid I don’t possess that long grey dress any more, I’ve given it away,’ Suzanne said.
Then, after a moment’s hesitation, she smiled and added: ‘you’ll find it together with some other clothes laying on your bed. Come through and have a look.’
We went through to my bedroom. Suzanne had clearly spent the afternoon going through her own wardrobe once again and had passed on lots of different clothes to me, which were laying on the bed or else piled up on the chest of drawers. The dressing table also now had additional supplies of costume jewelry, cosmetics, and other items that might be needed to help me maintain my new way of life.
‘I think you’ll find that most of what I’ve chosen will fit and also suit you and that you now have everything that any well-dressed young lady might need,’ she said.
‘Suzanne, thank you, but you shouldn’t have gone to all this trouble, I already had enough clothes to be going on with.’
‘It was part of the deal — if you agreed to remain as Clare, I promised to provide you with everything you might need to do so. In any event, a girl can never have too many clothes. At least now you’ll have a choice of what to wear for any occasion.’
‘But I was only just beginning to get the hang of what clothes looked good together, and now I’ll have to start all over again.’
‘You’ve barely reached ‘O’ level standard,’ she said. ‘I expect you to have reached at least ‘A’ level before I die. You can undertake your degree level studies afterwards.’
I didn’t like it when Suzanne joked about her demise, so I attempted to divert the subject of our conversation to less morbid topics.
‘But it isn’t just going to be a question of learning about what clothes to wear; I’ll also need to discover what it is to live as a woman.’
‘Surely you’ve been discovering that over the last six weeks?’ said Suzanne.
‘Yes, in some respects that’s true except that now it is going to be full-time and also for the foreseeable future.’
‘You’re a fast learner and I’m sure you will get on fine,’ added Debbie.
‘Maybe, but I still don’t fully understand why I was born male, yet somehow feel more comfortable in the female role,’ I said.
‘You certainly appear to be more relaxed and confident when you’re living as a girl,’ added Debbie.
‘I noticed that on the first time I persuaded you to put on some of my clothes and became Clare. You, will no doubt wish to learn more about your condition and feelings, but I think you’ll find you are not alone in that situation.’
Now that I’d accepted in my own mind that my immediate future was going to be as a young woman, I was quite pleased with the reaction of my two friends, but I also privately resolved to spend some time looking on the Internet over the next few days to try and make sense of my situation and my feelings about myself.
‘Thank you once again, Suzanne, for all the clothes and for everything else that you’ve given me. I’ll let you have them back when I’ve had a chance to buy some of my own. It shouldn’t be too long before I can go shopping for myself once again, now that I won’t have to worry about clothing Tom for a while.’
Suzanne sighed.
‘As I’ve already told you, there’s no need for you to return anything that I’ve given you. I won’t be wearing them again, and it’s satisfying for me to know that you’ll now be making good use of them. However, I also understand that, as a newly emerging young woman, you’ll want to choose some clothes of your own and gradually develop your own look.’
‘So what’s your look going to be Clare, Goth? Punk? Hippy? Grunge? or Lesbian Chic?’ asked Debbie laughing.
‘How would I know what looks good on me?’ I replied, I’ll have to rely on you two to advise me.
‘You’ll soon get to know what’s right for you, but in the meanwhile, for this evening, I suggest we go for ‘Girly-glam’ look and we can take it from there,’ suggested Debbie.
‘Alright, ladies we have an hour and a half to help one another to get ourselves ready before the meal arrives.’
I helped Suzanne to take a quick shower whilst Debbie put all my new clothes away for me, then we all helped one another to get ready for the evening.
One thing that I had discovered over the last six weeks was how the clothes you are wearing, your hair, makeup and jewelry can all contribute to the way you feel about yourself and how you interact with others. If you look good, you tend to feel good as well and are fun to be with. During the course of the evening we chatted together happily on a wide variety of subjects unrelated to recent events. For once there was no mention of Tom, the fire, the loss of my job or Suzanne’s illness. There were still a number of questions in my mind to ask Suzanne about my status in her house and who exactly was Clare Simpson, whose identity I would be using. However, these topics might be best discussed later, when Suzanne and I were alone. For the time being I was happy to join in her enjoyment of company, and be accepted by both my friends in my new role.
We drank water with our meal which was quite spicy, but as we were eating the dessert Debbie retrieved the bottle of champagne, opened it and poured three glasses.
‘Ladies, I should like to propose a toast to my two friends Clare and Suzanne, and also to say farewell to a certain young man whom I needn’t name.’
‘I hope you will be happy in your new home Clare,’ said Suzanne, raising her glass.
‘Yes, and for a long time to come,’ added Debbie.
I could hardly argue with that, for both our sakes.
We drank the toast, then re-filled our glasses and continued chatting happily until after 11.00pm. Debbie announced that she needed to go to the toilet, and then would have to get changed.
‘It’s getting a little late for her to be travelling home on public transport on her own,’ I said. ‘Would you mind if I offer to let her stay with me tonight?’
‘Of course I don’t mind; you didn’t need to ask. Please now regard this as your home as well,’ said Suzanne.
A few weeks before, I would never have dreamed of offering to share my bed with Debbie, and she would never have dreamed of accepting, but now it seemed like a perfectly reasonable thing to do.
‘Thanks for the offer Clare, but I really can’t stay tonight, as I’ve already made arrangements to go out tomorrow morning. But don’t worry, I’ll get a taxi.
There was something in the way she said it that aroused my suspicions.
‘Debbie, are you going on a date tomorrow?’ I asked.
Her cheeks became even more flushed than they had been as a result of the champagne.
‘And you weren’t planning on telling us?’
‘I wasn’t intending to keep it a secret for long, but I wanted to see how things went first.’
‘So what’s his name and when did you meet him?’ asked Suzanne.
‘He’s called Guy and I was introduced to him at my party.’
‘I never noticed you chatting to any ‘Guy’ at your party?’ I said.
‘That’s because you were too busy looking doe-eyed at my friend Andy; by the way what is happening on that front?’ she replied, studiously changing the subject.
I’d rather forgotten about my proposed date with Andy, given all the fuss about losing my job; but now things were settled there was no reason why we shouldn’t go out as planned.
‘Andy said that he would ring me on Tuesday. So what are you planning to do with Guy then?’ I said, determined to return to my original line of enquiry.
‘Nothing much, just getting to know one another.’
‘I’ll be expecting a blow-by-blow account when we next meet,’ I continued.
‘I doubt if it’ll come to blows, at least not on the first date,’ she replied laughing.
‘Well let’s hope that Guy’s the guy for you.’
The others rolled their eyes in disgust at my joke.
Whilst Debbie changed back into her trousers and jacket, Suzanne rang her local mini-cab firm and persuaded them to take her friend home at a discounted price, the cost of which we divided three ways.
‘Thanks for helping me to make up my mind and for everything else, Debs,’ I said as I saw her to the taxi.’
‘I’m sure you’ve made the right decision, Clare, you seemed so happy this evening,’ she said giving me a kiss on the cheek.
‘I think you are probably right,’ I replied.
‘I’ll see you on Monday.’
‘And good luck with Guy!’
She blushed and waved as the taxi pulled away.
When I got back I found that Suzanne had fallen asleep on the settee, once again. I helped her to her room and to get undressed and ready for bed. I then went back to my room where I stood looking at myself in the full-length mirror for a few minutes. Debbie was right, I was sure that I had made the right decision, but there were still matters to be discussed with Suzanne, although they would now have to wait to the next day. In the meanwhile I would just enjoy the feeling of wearing that long dress and looking so good; it showed off my boobs rather nicely. I then remembered that it was more than a week since Debbie had helped we to stick them on, and that I ought to take them off for a little while to give my skin a chance to recover. Reluctantly I changed out of my dress, removed my makeup and began the painful task of peeling off my breasts. As I did so I found myself wondering for the second time in as many weeks, what it would be like to have my own breasts, but on this occasion I didn’t force the idea out of my mind and began to wonder how one might go about it — whether through taking hormones or having plastic surgery. There was so much I needed to discover about my new life. It was with those thoughts going round my head that I eventually fell asleep.
It felt a little odd to be flat-chested again in the morning when I woke, and so I took off my nightdress and examined myself in the mirror. The skin was a little red where the breast forms had been stuck down, and pale where it had been covered by them. My initial reaction was to want to replace my boobs again as soon as possible but I wasn’t planning to go anywhere and it was probably better for me to leave them off for twenty-four hours to recover, if I could bear to do so. I looked at my face in the mirror. I was wearing no makeup or jewelry and my hair was loosely tied back with a ribbon, yet it was undoubtedly Clare rather than Tom who was looking back at me. What exactly had changed over the last six weeks? Was it the way I looked and acted towards other people? Or was it more a question of how I saw myself? Perhaps it was a combination of both.
I decided to conduct an experiment. There was one pair of black women’s trousers and a fairly androgynous looking t-shirt among the clothes that Suzanne had passed on to me, and also some white trainers and socks. I put these on and brushed and tied my hair back into a pony tail, just to see what it felt like. I even went so far as to remove my nail varnish for the first time in several weeks. I again looked at myself in the mirror. Perhaps I didn’t look quite as feminine as usual, but I was sure that I would be able to walk down the street dressed as I was and nobody would bat an eyelid. In fact there was only one way to find out. I was going to need to acquire a travelcard for getting into work over the next week, so I put on a zip-up jacket, that further disguised my lack of breasts and walked to the station.
‘What can I do for you miss?’ asked the young man in the ticket office.
He seemed to be in no doubt about my gender; in fact I got the distinct impression that he liked the look of me.
‘I’d like a travelcard for Zones 1 and 2 please,’ I answered in what was now my normal speaking voice, but deliberately giving him a friendly smile.
My smile caught him a little off guard, and he blushed for a moment, but then recovered himself.
‘Fill in this form please, love.’
The ‘love’ confirmed to me that he thought I was a woman. No man would ever have referred to Tom as ‘love’.
A wicked idea went through my mind. What if I were now to fill it in using Tom’s name and sex; how would he react towards me then? But that wasn’t the object of the exercise, so I filled in all the details for Clare instead and passed it to him.
‘You haven’t ticked the box saying whether you want a monthly, quarterly, or annual ticket?’
I took a breath, wondering which one to choose.
‘As long as you will be travelling for at least three months it would be worth your while to get an annual ticket. You can always cash it in if you change your job,’ he said.
‘In that case I should like an annual ticket please.’
He ticked it for me, and we again exchanged smiles. It occurred to me that he would be happy to chat to me if I were to give him some encouragement, but other customers arrived at the window and so we didn’t continue with our pleasantries. A few minutes later I was in possession of a new season ticket. Tomorrow I would arrange to transfer Tom’s remaining funds into Clare’s account.
I’d now burned the last of the bridges to my former life. Tom had lost his flat, his job, and severed contact with his family, at least for the time being. The following day Clare would be embarking on a new job and would be around for some months to come, and possibly longer. Henceforth I would be living as Clare Simpson, so I now needed to ask Suzanne a number of questions about exactly who she was and where she had come from.
Chapter 21
Who is Clare?
Suzanne emerged from her slumbers soon after I returned home with my new season ticket. I helped her to get out of bed, get showered and dressed. She didn’t say anything about my choice of clothes, and had promised that in future she would only comment on my dress or makeup if invited to do so. We then had some breakfast together, and I mentioned my trip out to collect a season ticket. She didn’t appear surprised that I should have ventured out dressed as I was.
‘That reminds me Clare, there are various documents that I need to hand over to you now that you’ve agreed to stay,’ she said going to a drawer in the bureau
‘Here’s the cheque book for your new bank account. You already have the debit card and the pin number. I’ve written down your date of birth, your mother’s maiden name and the answers to the other security questions in case you ever have to telephone the bank.’
‘Although the signature on the back of the debit card is relatively easy to copy, I suggest that you use the pin as much as possible until you’ve had time to practice using it’ commented Suzanne. ‘In fact we may as well report the cards as being lost so that they send another one which you can then sign. You’ll find that just over seven hundred and fifty pounds is transferred into this account each month, but don’t get too excited as I’ll want four hundred of that back to cover your share of the rent and for your keep. The remainder will be my contribution towards your pay. I know the arrangement sounds complicated but there are good reasons for doing so.’
‘That’s fine by me, in fact it all sounds very generous, Suzanne,’ I replied.
Here’s your new birth certificate and national insurance number. I’m afraid that you’ve aged four years overnight, but when you wear makeup you could easily pass for a twenty-four year old. Notice also that you are now an Australian citizen although you don’t need a work permit as you came in to the country on a five year ‘ancestry visa’. In fact you’ll soon be able to apply for UK citizenship, if you wish.
‘Wouldn't that would involve an interview when it would be apparent that I don’t have an Australian accent?’
‘You have a fairly nondescript London accent which would probably pass for most purposes, but if you want to sound Australian try to cultivate the ‘questioning intonation’ used by the younger actors on the ‘Neighbours’ or ‘Home and away’ soaps. There are also websites to teach actors to sound Australian.
‘Strewth cobber, it’s going to be enough learning how to speak like a Sheila without also having to learn 'strine,’ I said in a cod Australian accent.
‘Remember that we don’t all talk like Crocodile Dundee, responded Suzanne in perfect RP English.
‘Point taken, but you do seem to have thought of just about everything,’ I said.
‘I hope so.’
Don’t you think it’s time that you let me into the secret concerning Clare Simpson since I’m going to be living under her name and spending her money for the next few months?’
‘What do you want to know?’
‘For a start, I want to know who she is and why you possess two sets of identity documents.’
‘Alright, If you make us both another pot of coffee I promise to tell you everything.’
Suzanne and I sat down together at the kitchen table and she poured me another coffee.
‘So you haven’t guessed about Clare then?’ she said.
‘No, what is there to guess?’ I replied.
‘That Clare Alice Simpson is me. It was the name that I was given when I was born in Melbourne in 1982.’
This came as a surprise to me, I’d always assumed that Suzanne was five or even six years older than me rather than just four, but I guess her medical condition had made her look older than she was.
‘So why did you adopt a new name when you came to this country?’ I asked.
She sighed.
‘I had a difficult childhood. My father was a successful businessman but he drank heavily. My mother was also a very troubled woman. She took overdoses of pills on several occasions before she eventually succeeded in killing herself when I was fifteen, just when I was going through my own emotional turmoil.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that.’
‘At the time, I blamed my mother’s suicide on my dad’s drinking, although, in retrospect, I suspect some of his drinking was because of my mother’s erratic behaviour. She was beginning to realise that she had inherited a genetic condition from her own mother that was going to cripple and then kill her in a few years. What is more, she realised that she’d also probably passed on that condition to me. Of course I knew none of this until much later. I was so upset and angry after her suicide that I told my dad I wanted nothing more to do with him and left home.’
‘What did you do?’
I’m afraid that for three or four years I got mixed up with some pretty bad people who were heavily involved in dealing drugs. Eventually though, I came to my senses and decided that I had to leave the country and change my name in order to get away from them all. I then made contact with my dad again and learned the full circumstances surrounding my mother’s suicide. He gave me the money to come to the UK and when I was twenty-one he gave me enough to buy into a small business.
‘That was good of him.’
Yes, I suppose it was, but unfortunately it didn’t stop him from continuing to drink heavily after my departure, just as he had done so since my mother’s death. He was always able to hold his liquor and function quite effectively in his business, but in the end cirrhosis caught up with him. He died a couple of years ago. I then found out that he’d left a substantial sum of money in his will to purchase an annuity in my old name, not realising that I was now living and working as Suzanne Fisher.
‘Why didn’t he leave it to you outright?’
‘He still didn’t trust leaving me a lump sum in case I blew it all on drugs. So that explains why I have a monthly allowance arriving in Clare’s account, which will continue for the rest of my life. With hindsight, it wasn’t a very good investment on his part as they will only need to pay out for a few years before I die.’
‘I see,’ I replied, ‘but that doesn’t really explain why you needed to change your name to Suzanne.’
‘There were a couple of reasons, which I am not particularly proud of. I knew it would be only a matter of time before the police caught up with my associates and, although I was only on the sidelines of their activities, I didn’t want to be involved in any criminal proceedings, either as a defendant or as a witness. Also, there was one guy that I used to hang out with who was quite dangerous. On more than one occasion he threatened that he’d track me down and kill me if ever I walked out on him, and I never doubted that he meant it. That’s why I changed my name as soon as I arrived in London.’
‘So is this guy still looking for you now?’
‘No, the police prosecuted the ring leaders a few months after I left; my former boyfriend was arrested but agreed to give evidence against the others in return for a reduced sentence. It didn’t do him any good though as he was later stabbed by another drug dealer in prison a few months after the trial. They really were a bunch of thugs and I’d no idea what I was involved with.’
‘How about the Australian police, are they still looking for you?’ I asked, in a state of shock about what she had just revealed.
‘No, as far as I know there are no further charges outstanding. I think they realised that I was one of the small fry and that it wasn’t worth their while to come chasing after me half way across the globe. In any event, the only person who could incriminate me is now dead.’
‘I see.’
‘By this time I’d already established an honest and successful new life in the UK as Suzanne Fisher, running a beauty salon, but was also beginning to experience the first symptoms of my medical condition. I didn’t want to go back to living as Clare Simpson again; it would have involved too many explanations to my new colleagues. So, after dad died, I used my Australian passport to open a bank account in Clare’s name in order to receive the annuity and I periodically transferred the contents into Suzanne’s bank account.’
‘When did you give up the business?’
‘About eighteen months ago. My partner and I were quite fortunate as we received a good offer for it as a going concern. We both realised that I wouldn’t be able to continue working for much longer, and she wanted to move back to the West Country, and so we accepted and divided it up proceeds. There was more than enough money for me to live on for my few remaining years.’
‘So will it be quite safe for me to live as Clare for a while?’
‘Yes. As far as I’m aware there is nobody living in this country who has ever known me as Clare Simpson. The only official document with her name and photograph is her passport which is now almost ten years old, and so you should have no difficulty in renewing it in a few weeks’ time if you send my old passport and birth certificate to Australia House. We are the same height, build and have the same coloured eyes, and it was acquired before they started recording biometric data.’
‘What about the age difference between us?’
‘I can easily make you look a few years older when we come to take your new passport photograph. Of course, you’ll need to provide them with some confirmation of your address, but you can do that by providing the bank statements. Also, you will need to provide a signature from an established member of the community, who has known you for several years, to confirm your identity. I suggest that you ask your good friend Suzanne Fisher to do that for you whilst she still can. You’ll also need to copy Clare’s signature, but I deliberately made it simple and easy to copy when I opened the bank account in her name.’
‘You really have thought it all through,’ I said.
‘I believe so.’
‘Are you sure that there isn’t anyone else who might wish to get in touch with Clare Simpson one day?’
‘I don’t think so; I lost touch with all my school friends and my surviving relations when I got involved with drugs, and then deliberately broke with everybody else that I formerly knew when I came to this country.’
‘Alright, so that explains about Clare Simpson, but where did the name Suzanne Fisher come from and how did you manage to get hold of official documents in her name?’
‘Several years ago I shared a flat in Melbourne with a British girl called Suzanne Johnson, who like me was an only child who had left home following a family row after her parents had split. Unfortunately she died of a heroin overdose, which served as a wakeup call to me. My boyfriend was her dealer and didn’t want to risk any police investigation into her death so he paid to have her body taken to the outback where it would be disposed of by wild animals. Her body was never found and so her death was never officially registered. She was a year older than me but we looked similar and so I hung on to her various identity documents just in case I should ever need them.
‘And so you used them to avoid being traced?’ I said.
‘After I arrived in the UK and had successfully obtained an ancestry visa and work permit for Clare, I did a little bit of research about Suzanne Johnson, just to make sure that she had no close family who were likely to come looking for her. When I was sure that it was safe to do so, I adopted her identity. However, I also changed her surname to Fisher by deed poll just to make it a little more difficult for anyone from either of our pasts to trace her. When I die, I want you to administer the affairs of Suzanne Fisher, it’s the name by which I’ve always been known in this country, and will certainly be the one the doctors will put on the death certificate.
‘I expect that Suzanne’s Johnson’s parents are now wondering what happened to her?’
‘I think they had their suspicions that she’d been taking drugs before she left the UK, but I was not in a position to tell them. I know the address of her mother, and have written a letter to her explaining exactly what happened, but sparing her the details of the disposal of the body. I want you to post it to her it after I have died.’
‘What will happen to Clare Simpson after you die.’
She shrugged.
‘That will be up to you to decide. As far as I am concerned you are Clare Simpson. You will have to decide whether you wish to continue living as her and receive the annuity from my father or else revert to being Tom Evans.’
If you do decide to go back to being Tom, there is nobody that you will need to notify.
‘But I wouldn’t be able to continue living as Clare indefinitely.’
She shrugged.
‘I don’t see why not, if you choose to do so! I’d rather you had the benefit of the money from the annuity than the insurance company,’ she answered.
‘But won’t the insurance company want to verify that you’re still living from time to time?’
‘Yes. The bank will no doubt tell them if the account is ever closed and the money isn’t being collected. Each year the Company sends me a statement for tax purposes, but the income is never sufficient to warrant Clare paying any Australian income tax. This statement includes a form to record any change of address or other details. There will be a new form coming in April so I suggest you should write changing something — such as your telephone number. That should be enough to satisfy them of your continued existence for a couple of years. Thereafter you may have to forge my signature from time to time, but remember the insurance company is based in Melbourne and so they are unlikely to check up too thoroughly.’
‘I would however need to notify my father, I couldn’t just leave him wondering what happened to me.’
‘Yes, I suppose so, but you won’t need to worry about it for now, Clare. So far it is only me who has done anything illegal so let's hope you’ll have many months to think about it for yourself.’
It went quiet for a while. Suzanne had certainly provided me with a lot of information about her past to take in and process. I had no idea that her story would be so complicated and entwined with so much sadness. My own life had been totally uneventful in comparison. There was no doubt that she had done many wrong things in her past, but it was in her past.
‘So now you know the full story, Clare, I hope it won’t make any difference between us.’
‘You have always been kind to me, so there’s no way that I’m going to go back on my promise now that you need me.
‘Thank you,’ she replied.
‘In any event, I’m just learning how to enjoy my time as Clare.’
‘I’m glad, I wouldn’t want your time staying with me to be only work.’
Neither of us said much more to one another for the remainder of the day. I believe that we were both pre-occupied with our thoughts. I did various necessary chores to take my mind of what I’d heard. I did a load of laundry for both of us, then washed my hair and afterwards removed any traces of fuzz from my arms legs, face and armpits. I also carefully replaced my breast forms and put on some nail polish so I would have one less thing to worry about it in the morning. I also changed into some more feminine clothes and put on a little makeup, although without going over the top. I realised that I looked ok as Clare without the boobs and makeup, but felt more comfortable wearing them, all the same. Suzanne made no comment about my appearance; it was just as if I was exhibiting normal behaviour for her flat mate on a Sunday.
Whilst I was waiting for my hair to dry, I began to look on the internet for information about people who lived in a different gender from the one in which they were born. In no time at all, I’d unearthed a mass of web sites: encyclopaedia articles; sites offering medical or social advice; advice on fashion and makeup; autobiographical accounts; fictional sites; humorous sites; and even some pornographic sites. At first it all seemed overwhelming, but I began a task that would eventually take me several weeks; that of immersing myself in information and gradually understanding my condition.
Over the next few days it became apparent to me that I was transgendered and had always been so, although I’d gone through the first twenty years of my life without letting myself recognize that fact. It would inevitably take me some time to accept this about myself and to deal with it accordingly.
However, in seeking to describe the excitement of my gradually beginning to recognise my true self, I find that I have begun to stray from my chronological narrative. I stress that the process of self-discovery which had begun before Christmas took some time and in many respects was running in parallel to the events relating to my job and my living accommodation.
Chapter 22
A new employee
The resignation of Tom Evans from his job and the subsequent appointment of Clare Simpson were put into operation by Karen without a great deal of fuss the following morning. I handed over Tom’s letter of resignation, then sat down and completed a new application form giving my new name, address, telephone number, bank account details and of course showing my sex as female. I also made sure that my new signature looked quite different from Tom’s old one. Once I’d completed the form I gave it to Karen together with Clare’s birth certificate and national insurance number. She didn’t ask where these documents had come from and I got the impression that she preferred not to know.
‘I appear to have aged four years overnight,’ I said as I handed over the documents and she began to read through them.
‘Yes, I suppose you do look a little younger than the twenty-four years stated here, but as long as you continue to wear some makeup at work no-one is likely to question your age,’ answered Karen.
She checked the various documents, before putting them in a brown envelope.
‘Thanks Clare, these all seem to be in order. I’ll forward them to Head Office tonight. You realise, of course, that any National Insurance payments by the company will be credited to the wrong name.’
‘Yes, I know, but it’ll only be for a few months and I’ll be able to make up for them later, I answered smiling.
I then added as an afterthought: ‘unless of course I decide to remain as Clare until I retire.’
Karen looked up at me to see whether I was being serious or not, but didn’t make any comment.
‘I’m also going to need two passport-sized photographs from you; one to send to head office with your application, and the other so that I can issue you with a new ID badge.’
‘Here you are, will these do?’ I said as I retrieved the three remaining photos of me from my handbag.
‘Thanks,’ she said taking them.
She selected two of them and returned the third to me.
‘You are very photogenic,’ she said inspecting the pictures. ‘There are many girls who would love to have your looks.’
‘Thank you,’ I said, blushing slightly but beginning to enjoy such compliments.
Karen rang the Human Resources Department at Head Office and informed them of Tom’s resignation, saying that she would be forwarding his letter. At the same time she reminded them of their agreement to replace him with a part-time worker and requested their authority to go ahead and appoint Clare in his place.
‘Tom’s salary for January will be credited to his bank account by the end of the week, she said as she came off the phone. ‘They’re also happy for Clare to start work tomorrow morning, so let us now decide upon your new working hours.’
We were soon agreed. I’d begin at 10.00 and work through to 3.00pm, taking only thirty minutes for lunch, that way I could complete my required hours between Tuesday and Friday. That suited the job quite nicely as Mondays were always fairly quiet in the office and it would be useful to have me around to cover the lunch-times if Karen or Helen ever had to be away from the office. It also quite suited me as it meant that I would no longer be travelling during the rush hour and would also have the opportunity to get Suzanne settled for the day before I left for work.
‘If I ever need to take my friend for a hospital appointment, will it be possible for me to change these hours and make up the time?’ I asked.
‘Yes, of course, that’s one of the advantages of the new arrangements, we can be fairly flexible on both sides as long as you complete the right number of hours each week,’ answered Karen.
‘I’ll start work at 10.00am tomorrow then.’
‘Yes please. Did you have cause to speak to anyone from Head Office last week?’
‘No I don’t think so. In fact I can’t remember dealing with anyone there since the beginning of December.’
‘Good! In that case I suggest that you should avoid answering the phone for the first couple of weeks just in case anyone thinks that they recognise your voice once you start introducing yourself as Clare. Nobody will expect the new girl to be contacting them straight away.’
‘That’s fine by me.’
‘I also suggest that you should now remove any trace of Tom’s former existence from your desk and take the rest of the day off. We can start you off as Clare with a clean sheet tomorrow morning.’
‘Yes, it certainly will be a clean break with the past,’ I replied.
‘Well it is what you want isn’t it?’
‘Yes, I believe so. Having to go part-time has rather forced my hand, but on reflection, I’m not unhappy about the way things have worked out for me.’
‘In that case, good luck with your new life.’
‘Thank you. I’m sure I will continue to enjoy working here and will do my best,’ I replied.
There wasn’t a lot of evidence of Tom’s former existence in his desk; he wasn’t the sort to make much of an impact on his surroundings, or bring his personal possessions to work. What there was from him was quickly deposited in the rubbish bin. From tomorrow it would be Clare’s desk and would be populated with her belongings in the same way that her colleagues seemed to do. As I was clearing my desk Helen arrived in the office, having been out somewhere. She came over to greet me.
‘So Clare is officially one of us now,’ she commented, smiling.
‘I guess so, I’ll be starting work again tomorrow.’
‘I wasn’t referring to you as a colleague; how does it feel to be a full-time woman?’
I shrugged.
‘Pretty good, but I’ve been living as Clare for nearly four weeks now and so am beginning to get used to it.’
‘I’ll expect that you’ll find there are both advantages and disadvantages to the change,’ she replied.
‘Yes, I know, but so far things have gone well, thanks.’
‘I’ve spoken to the others and we decided not to get Tom a farewell present, but rather to buy something for Clare,’ she said taking out a rather nice deep red orchid in a pot, from a shopping bag. She gave it to me, together with a large pink ‘Good Luck’ card.
Karen and Debbie came over to have a look, as she did so.
‘Thank you very much everyone, but there was really no need to get me anything,’
‘Maybe, but we thought we’d encourage you to brighten up your desk a little — it was almost as if Tom was afraid of bright colours,’ said Debbie smiling.
‘You may be right there. I’ll do my best to be a little more colourfull but it will require practice to learn what looks well together,’ I said smiling.
‘Between the three of us and your friend Suzanne we’ll soon have you sorted,’ said Debbie.
Once I’d arranged my card and plant on the desk, there was just one task remaining before I left for the day. I wanted to have a brief private chat with Debbie. Fortunately it was then almost coffee time and Debbie was due to hold the fort for ten minutes whilst the other two went out to the café next door, so I offered to hang on and keep her company.
‘So how did it go yesterday?’ I asked, once the others had left us.
‘How did what go?’ she responded in mock innocence.
‘Debbie you are no doubt going to want me to tell you about how I get on with Andy later on, so you had better start telling me how it went with Guy. Remember that I have so much to learn in this respect.’
She smiled.
‘Alright, since you put it like that, I suppose I’d better tell you. I think it went quite well, and he has promised to call me again,’ she said in an excited voice.
Over the next ten minutes she proceeded to tell me what they’d said and done together on Sunday and also how she felt about it. She did so in an open, confiding, manner that nobody had ever used with me before, so that I found myself empathizing with her excitements and uncertainties regarding her new friendship. This was another aspect of being a young woman that I hadn’t fully taken on board.
Before I left work I phoned Suzanne to tell her that I’d be home at lunchtime. She too was anxious to find out how I’d faired, and to know the details of my future working arrangements. I suggested that we went out together for a late lunch, but she didn’t feel well enough. I therefore made my way home and made us both some soup. Suzanne was tiring easily these days and so she had a nap after lunch.
Once I’d cleared up I used my free time on the Internet learning more about myself. I found that the more I read, the better I began to understand who I really was, and why I’d spent the first twenty years of my life living in a shell. It hadn’t been an uncomfortable life, but was certainly one lacking in colour, excitement and adventure, which suddenly now seemed to be on offer to me as Clare. I tried to make sense of the enormity of what had happened to me over the last seven weeks. I’d changed from being a shy and retiring boy without any social-life to a confident and attractive young lady who now had two part-time jobs and an extensive wardrobe. I also had two female friends to confide in and if necessary discuss my feelings and emotions with, something I’d never done in my life before.
I woke Suzanne at six, to give her some tea and then we stayed in together watching TV for the evening until I helped her to get ready for bed. It was nearly midnight when I sat at my dressing table in my nightdress brushing my hair. As I did so I reviewed the events of the day. Looking after Suzanne would inevitably restrict my social life to some degree, but far less than living as Tom would have done. In any event, she was quite good company and had been adamant that she did not expect me to stay in with her every night. Since I’d now come to terms with the idea of living as a woman in most other respects, why shouldn’t I also have a boyfriend? The idea simultaneously attracted and repelled me. I pictured myself getting ready and going on a date: what I’d wear and how I’d react when we went out together. This in turn led me to wondering what I was going to say to Andy when he phoned the next day — if, of course, he did choose to phone after my rather luke-warm response to our first meeting.
Things went very smoothly the next day. Suzanne was soon settled and I actually had time to think about what I was going to wear. I’d also now got the process of getting myself ready - putting on makeup and doing my hair — down to a fine art. I arrived in the office at 10.00am on the Tuesday having had a far more leisurely and less crowded journey in to work than usual. For once I had a seat all the way and was able to read the fashion magazine loaned to me by Suzanne. I even stopped to buy a couple of my own plants as well to keep the orchid company.
As soon as I’d arrived and changed out of my winter coat and boots and put on some heels, Karen came over to my desk and handed me a new identity badge and a plastic sign for my desk, both in my new name, together with a desk diary for the New Year.
‘That was quick work,’ I commented.
‘Well I like to get organised,’ she answered. ‘Now remember Clare, for the next couple of weeks you’re the new girl around here so let the three of us answer the phones for the first few days. When you do begin to answer them and it is someone from Head Office, act a little dumb and ask a few basic questions so as not to give rise to any suspicions.’
‘They’ll think I’m a complete idiot,’ I said.
‘It is only for a week or two, then you can go back to being your normal efficient self.’
The disruption caused by my resignation and re-employment under a new name was now over and my three colleagues henceforth accepted me as one of themselves. No further reference was made to my former life or identity. In the event, I had more than enough to do in catching up with paperwork without answering the office phones. In fact the only phone call I answered that morning was one on my own mobile.
‘Hi Clare, it’s Andy. If you remember, you suggested that I should call you this morning. Maybe we could meet up and have lunch together?’ he asked.
He actually sounded nervous; very much the way I felt.
‘No I’m afraid not Andy. I’m only taking half an hour and I’ll be covering for my colleagues for most of the lunch period, but I’m glad you phoned and would like to have a talk with you sometime soon. I could be free any time after about 3.30 pm this afternoon,’ I answered.
‘Will it be good news or bad news?’ he asked.
‘I hope it won’t be bad news,’ I replied laughing. ‘There are just a few points of clarification I need to make with you first.’
‘Oh dear, that sounds a little ominous, but we’d better get it over with. I suppose that I could pop out from work for an hour this afternoon. There is a cafe that I use close to St Paul’s tube station, why don’t we have tea together there at 4.00 pm?’
‘That would be nice, if you can spare the time,’ I replied.
‘Anything for you, my lady,’ he said with mock courtesy.
‘I’ll look forward to it, kind sir,’ I replied smiling.
Andy and I met, as arranged. The café that was close to his work, but also quite convenient for my journey home on the Central Line. We greeted one another a little shyly, and sat down at a secluded table. When the waitress came I ordered a tea but turned down the offer of a cake.
‘So what did you want to say to me?’ he asked once our drinks had arrived.
I related to him the events of the five momentous days since we’d last met, including the fact that I was now working part-time but had agreed to remain living as Clare whilst looking after Suzanne. He listened intently as I told my story, but didn’t appear to be particularly surprised by any of the events. It was almost as if my change of gender was nothing out of the ordinary.
‘So what are these ‘points of clarification’ that you need to make?’ he asked when I finished.
‘Andy; I should be happy to go out with you, if you want me to, but only on the understanding that you always treat me as a woman and never make any reference to my past gender.’
‘Yes of course,’ he answered sounding quite surprised that I should have asked. ‘I’ve only ever thought of you as a young woman, and have no interest in your past or wish to think of you in any other way,’ he said gently touching my hand for a moment as he did so.
I felt a brief sensation of pleasure as we touched one another, and my cheeks coloured a little. He then seemed to become self-conscious and moved his hand away. I felt a dash of regret as he did so.
‘Also, if I’m to continue dressing like this it’ll be quite expensive and I can’t keep relying on Suzanne all the time. I’m only now working part-time, so I’d better warn you that I’ll not always be able to afford to pay my share when we go out together.’
‘Look Clare, if I ask you to go out with me then I’ll expect to pay; your responsibility is just to look beautiful,’ he answered.
I blushed, but was quite pleased with his answer.
‘In that case, I’ll be happy to go out with you sometime, if you ask me nicely.’
He smiled and seemed genuinely happy.
‘Clare, would you like to go out for dinner this coming Saturday night, and then perhaps we could go on to a nightclub afterwards?’
‘That’ll be nice,’ I answered. ‘I’ll need to make arrangements to make sure that Suzanne is alright, but it should be alright.’
‘Great,’ he said continuing to look really pleased with himself.
We finished our teas and then he walked with me to the tube station, before returning to his work. As we walked along the pavement our hands brushed against one another. I made no attempt to move away, and so he took my hand. I gave his hand a gentle squeeze in acknowledgment.
‘Where shall we meet on Saturday?’ he asked, as I was about to go in to the station.
‘You know where I live. Would you be able to come round to collect me at my place at about 8.00pm? ’ I suggested. ‘Then you’ll be able to meet my flatmate Suzanne before we go out?
‘Yes, of course, I should like that.’
We were about to go our separate ways when I turned to him.
‘Andy, thank you for being patient with me,’ I said kissing him on the cheek.
‘I hope it’ll have been worth it,’ he replied and then kissed me on the lips.
As he did so, I opened my lips to let his tongue come inside my mouth and allowed my body to be drawn closer to his. I could feel the shape of his erect penis under his clothes but was also conscious of the beginnings of a similar reaction from my own, which was fortunately tucked out of the way between my legs. Not sure how to react, I pulled away and muttered goodbye, with a promise to meet on Saturday evening, before disappearing into the tube station.
Chapter 23
Discoveries
After leaving Andy at the entrance to St Paul’s tube station, I travelled home in a state of shock, trying to make sense of what I’d just done and of what I was now feeling about myself. I could hardly believe that I’d just shared a long lingering kiss with a man and enjoyed every moment. What is more, I‘d been aware of his penis growing in his trousers as we did so and took pleasure in the realization that this had been due to his feelings towards me. It had even entered my mind to take hold of the offending organ and stroke it, although this would have been highly inappropriate to do in the street just as the rush hour was beginning. What had happened to me? What had I become?
As Tom, I’d never thought of myself as being either gay or heterosexual, but rather as someone for whom sex was not particularly significant. I’d always enjoyed female companionship and had always found girls to be more interesting to talk to than guys, but I’d never thought of either group as sexual partners before. I’d never been out on a date nor did I entertain any fantasies about sleeping with anyone. But things had changed dramatically for me, without my being fully aware of how much. Tom, my former self, was no longer around nor likely to be for many months. I was Clare now, a different person, who enjoyed dressing in smart clothes and wearing makeup. I was a young woman who chose to wear high heels at work even though they made my calves ache, because they also made my legs look so much better. I was someone who had blushed when she received a wolf-whistle from one of the motorcycle messengers that came to the office, but was also pleased to have been noticed, all the same. So why shouldn’t Clare kiss a guy and let herself imagine what it would be like to be engulfed in his arms?
But was this the real me, or was it merely a passing phase on the route to self-discovery? I wasn’t sure. Where did my current feelings about myself leave Tom? Did he have any future or had things now changed forever? If I’d asked myself that question the week before, I’d have known the answer, but now I was no longer sure. Perhaps I was always meant to be a woman and this was how I would live my life? But if this were the case why had I only just begun to recognise it?
My mind was in a state of uncertainty, but I’d undertaken to stay living as Clare for the next few months, and both my job and my living accommodation depended upon that fact. So I would certainly continue to do so, but whilst that was happening I also determined to discover everything that I could about my new way of life. It was with these thoughts in my mind that I made my way back to the flat and let myself in.
‘Hi Suzanne, I’m sorry I’m late,’ I said as I took off my winter coat and boots.’
‘That’s alright, Clare, was the Central Line closed again?’
Anyone commuting regularly in Central London would recognise this as an occupational hazard since the whole underground system is chronically overcrowded as well as being the target for suicides who wish to inconvenience as many people as possible on their way out, not to mention those wishing to blow up western civilization.
‘No, nothing like that, I was invited to go for afternoon tea. Perhaps I should have rung to warn you.’
‘You only needed to ring if you were going to miss dinner. You don’t need to account to me for every moment of your day. I could have rung you if I was worried.’
I could see that she was intrigued to know who had asked me out, but was not going to ask. I felt sorry that she was now pretty much housebound without my help and that I was now one of her few contacts with the outside world.
‘I was invited to have tea by Debbie’s friend Andy, the guy I met at her party.’
‘Oh yes, the one you went out with for a drink last week, where I warned you not to play hard to get.’
‘That’s right.’
‘And?’
‘Well he offered me a cake as well, but I wasn’t feeling hungry.’
‘I don’t need to know what you ate and drank; what did you say to one another.’
Suzanne and I hadn’t really discussed my friendship with Andy in any great detail. The day after we’d last spoken on the subject there had been the news about my job and various decisions to make about my future and so any further discussion about boyfriends was overtaken by events. Andy’s name had briefly come up in our conversation when Debbie came over on Saturday evening, but I’d not taken the bait as I was by no means sure that he would ring me again. I didn’t share some details with her, after all she was pretty much housebound now without my help. However, I wasn’t going to go into any detail about our final kiss as I still needed some time to make sense of my own feelings about the incident, and in some respects this was a topic which I might better discuss with Debbie in the first instance.
‘We didn’t say too much. I told him that I’ll be living as Clare for the foreseeable future and he has asked me to go out with him on Saturday evening.’
‘It sounds as if things are beginning to get a little more serious between you.’
‘I wouldn’t say that; we’re just trying to get to know one another a little better,’ I replied.
‘So what’s he like?’
‘OK, I suppose. He’s intelligent and quite good looking but also a little geeky and unsure of himself. I don’t think he has had lots of girlfriends but I do get the impression that he is kind.’
‘It sounds as if he needs a good woman to take him in hand.’
I blushed a little but didn’t say anything, so Suzanne continued with her questions.
‘I trust you said yes.’
‘So you wouldn’t mind if I went out with him then?’
‘Of course I don’t mind, it will be good for you to go out rather than being stuck here with me every evening. I want you to have a life, even if my own will soon be coming to a close.’
‘Please don’t keep saying that, Suzanne, it makes me feel awful.’
‘There’s no point in my refusing to face the obvious.’
‘Perhaps not, but do you need to dwell upon it?’
‘Sorry Clare, perhaps you’re right. I do spend too much time thinking about my future, or lack of it. So let’s return to discussing you and Andy. It will be nice to hear how you get on together. When do I get the chance to meet him?’
He’s coming to collect me on Saturday evening so I’ll introduce you, and you’ll have the opportunity of making your own judgment.’
‘Good! Now remember what I told you last week. Don’t make things too hard for him, he may need some encouragement or re-assurance on your part.’
‘I’ll just have to play it by ear. I haven’t had much experience going out on dates before.’
‘Just follow your instincts, and you should be ok.’
This conversation took place as we were preparing our dinner together, and the conversation then moved on to other topics, but returned to Andy and my forthcoming date after we finished eating.
‘So have you decided what you are going to wear for your date yet?’ Suzanne asked.
‘No, not really.’
‘Clare, it is important for a girl to look and feel her best on her first date. It will give you more confidence.’
I noticed that over the last few days Suzanne had begun referring to me as a girl or a woman without giving the matter any second thought. This pleased me.
‘Why don’t we have a look through your wardrobe this evening, and decide what you should wear on Saturday evening and whether there will anything that you will need to buy.’
‘Alright, thanks Suzanne, I should like that,’ I replied, pleased to have her advice.
After trying on a couple of outfits we eventually settled on a purple polyester and cotton drape dress which she had given me. It was fully lined and had a semi-transparent crepe overskirt, and an elegant embroidered waistband. The dress was comfortable to wear but also looked and felt quite feminine. The neckline showed off just a hint of my cleavage without giving away the fact that my boobs were not the real thing.
‘That colouring suits you and I’m fairly sure I’ve some lipstick and nail varnish to match. We’ll also need to find you a pendant with a stone to match and also perhaps some large hooped earrings to frame your face,’ commented Suzanne.
‘I’m still learning what looks good on me, so I’ll have to trust your judgment,’ I said.
‘You are quite lucky, most colours seem to look good on you.’
‘What colour eye shadow should I wear?’
‘We’ll have to experiment. If I’m feeling well enough on Saturday afternoon I’ll help you to get yourself ready and do your hair.’
I was quite capable of doing my own hair and makeup, but Suzanne had done it professionally and had a better eye for colour combinations than I did.
‘Thanks, I’ll know that I will look good if I have your help.’
‘By the way, how are your hair extensions these days?’
‘They’ve been attached for four weeks now but still feel fairly secure. According to the hairdresser they should be good for a couple more weeks, but I suppose I ought to make an appointment soon,’ I said.
‘Good, is there anything else that will need to be taken care of before Saturday?’
‘I wish there was some way that I could keep my penis tucked out of the way, there are times when it could become embarrassing.’
‘You mean if he kisses you.’
I blushed, remembering what had happened two hours before.
‘You could always have one of my valium if you wish; I’m sure that would stop you from getting too excited, but of course it may take away some of the pleasure at the same time.’
‘I’ll look up the options on the internet and in the meanwhile I’ll have to try and find a way of keeping my penis tucked safely between my legs next time I go out with Andy.
‘Would you like my help?’ she asked
‘Won’t you find it embarrassing?’
‘Not really. You’ve had to do some very personal things for me in the past. It will be like helping my friend to look her best to go on a date.
‘In that case I would appreciate your help to get myself ready.’
‘So that just leaves us to sort you out some shoes.’
‘What do you recommend?’
‘I don’t really have anything suitable to loan you. You will need to wear some high heels with that dress, maybe you could go out on Saturday morning and buy some.’
‘To be honest Suzanne, I would rather not spend too much money on clothes at the moment, at least until my insurance claim is paid.’
‘Yes of course, how about those white strappy sandals that you wore to Debbie’s party, they would look alright and then you’ll also have a handbag to match.’
‘Won’t the heels be too high if he’s going to take me dancing afterwards?’
‘I thought you told me that you’d been wearing heels at work each day.’
‘I have and don’t have too much trouble walking in them, but I’ve never tried dancing in heels before.’
‘I’m afraid I won’t be able to help you there, but why not see whether Debbie can come round one evening to give you some guidance?’
‘Alright I’ll see whether she is going to be free one evening later this week.’
That night I lay in my bed for two hours or more before I fell asleep. I was thinking about my tea with Andy, and looking forward to our date on Saturday. I was trying to picture how I would feel, and what I would say. I then moved on to the other deeper topics which had worried me on my way home - exactly who I was, and how did I wish to spend the rest of my life.
As soon as I got in to work on Wednesday Debbie came over to my desk and wanted to know how I’d got on with Andy the previous afternoon.
‘OK I suppose, we had tea together and a chat’ I replied non-commitally.
‘Yes, I know that, but what was the outcome?’
‘What do you mean?’ I asked innocently.
‘Come on Clare, stop teasing me. Are you going to go out with him or not?’ she demanded.
I looked over to Karen’s desk where she was discussing something with Helen and not listening to us.
‘We’re planning to have dinner together on Saturday night and then go on to a night club,’ I answered quietly.
‘Good for you Clare,’ said Debbie smiling. ‘I hope things work out alright for you both.’
‘I’ll tell you more about it at lunchtime.’
‘Good, I’ll want to hear all the details.’
Fortunately both Karen and Helen had appointments to see clients on the other side of London, and so Debbie and I were left alone in the office. It was raining outside and so Debbie and I ate sandwiches bought from the café next door, and it provided a good opportunity for me to have a private chat with Debbie where I related the whole story, including our parting kiss.
‘So how did it feel when he kissed you?’ she asked.
‘I’m not sure, what to say. It was a great feeling at first, but then I started to become a little bit alarmed by some of the thoughts that were going through my head.’
‘What sort of thoughts? Were you thinking about the possibility of having sex with him?’
I blushed at the thought.
‘I don’t know, we’ll have to see how it goes,’ I answered. ‘It is something I’d never really thought about before, but I must admit that it felt wonderful when he started to kiss me. It just felt so right somehow.’
‘Be careful, Clare; take your time and don’t get carried away,’ she answered. ‘Every girl tends to feel like that when she first meets a new guy, but those feelings don’t always last.’
‘So you think of me as a girl then?’
‘Yes, of course I do, it is several weeks now since I have thought of you as anything else, but you are lacking in experience, particularly with respect to affairs of the heart and so you should take care.’
‘I realise that. I don’t think that I have fallen madly in love with Andy, so much as crossed a threshold in my own mind. Yesterday afternoon when I was in his arms, I felt like a real woman for the first time and not just like someone pretending to be one. I felt that this was the real me, and was how I was supposed to be.’
‘Was that a good feeling?’
‘In some respects it was a wonderful feeling, but also quite frightening as well. For the first time I have thought about the possibility of spending the rest of my life as Clare, and having once entertained that thought I can’t seem to get the idea out of my mind.’
‘What exactly are you saying?’
‘That I have felt so much more content since I have started to live as Clare, so much more so than I ever did as Tom, and I don’t see that ever changing.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘As sure as I can be, and given that discovery perhaps I should now start investigating what would be involved in my changing my gender on a permanent basis, with the help of female hormones, and perhaps one day undergoing surgery. I would also need to inform my father what was going on.‘
‘Do you really mean that?’ Debbie asked looking at me intently.
‘Yes, I think I do. I’ve been reading about possible options recently and have thought about little else. I think that the time has come for me to seek referral to a Gender Dysphoria clinic.’
‘What you are considering would be very drastic and there would be no going back.’
‘I know, but I have been reading accounts of other people my age who were unhappy with their bodies and who subsequently found contentment and fulfillment by changing their gender.’
‘You must do whatever is right for you, Clare, but please take your time and don’t do anything rash,’ she said earnestly.
‘Don’t worry, it isn’t the sort of thing that anyone can just decide to do, off-the-cuff, unless of course they have the money to go abroad to have it done. I’m broke, and so I’ll just have to wait in line with everyone else, but I do intend to seek advice on my future.
‘Have you told Suzanne how you feel?’
‘No, not yet, she has enough to worry about with her own deteriorating condition, without me adding to her troubles.’
‘I think you should tell her, particularly if you are intending to seek therapy. It will hardly come as a great surprise to her given the way that you have slotted so well into your new identity.’
‘Perhaps you’re right. To be honest, I hadn’t even intended to discuss it with you today. It just slipped out.’
‘I am glad you have told me.’
We then moved on to other matters and Debbie agreed to come to dinner with Suzanne and myself on Friday evening and give me a lesson in how to dance in high heels without breaking my ankle.
‘Before I come, I really think you should tell Suzanne what you have just told me, so we can discuss your future openly together.’
‘Alright, I’ll tell her tonight.'
And as soon as I've done so I'll make an appointment for Tom at my local surgery to see one of the doctors for a referral. The receptionist will probably be surprised when I turn up dressed as Clare,’ I thought to myself. 'But there is no way that I'm ever going to go back to pretending that I was someone I wasn't.
Chapter 24
The wheel begins to turn
‘This is a sudden development,’ said Suzanne to me later that evening as I related to her the details of my conversation with Debbie. ‘Yesterday we were talking about you going on a first date, and now you tell me that you want to become a woman for evermore.’
‘I know, it wasn’t that I wanted to keep any secrets from you. Last night I was still struggling to prevent certain thoughts from coming in to my head. It was as if my mind was frightened of the implications of what my soul was aching for. Once I allowed myself to think the unthinkable, it suddently opened the flood gates, and I knew that I would never go back to living or thinking as Tom ever again.’
‘So when did all this happen.’
‘I allowed myself to consider the possibility of permanent transition to Clare in bed last night, and then found that I couldn’t sleep for ages because of the excitement of the idea. The more I thought about it the more certain I became that it was the right course of action for me in spite of all the difficulties involved. I wasn’t planning on saying anything to anyone for a week or so, but once I started to talk to Debbie at work today, I found that I just couldn’t stop myself from telling her what was going on in my head. Then I realised that I would have to tell you as well.’
‘So, this has got nothing to do with meeting Andy and your date on Saturday.’
‘I’m not sure; it may have been a catalyst. When I kissed him, it made me realise how much I wanted to live, and act and think as a woman - not just for a few weeks - but for the rest of my life. However, I want to make it clear that I’m doing this for myself, not for Andy or anyone else. I just want to become the real me.’
‘You didn’t mention to me that you’d kissed him,’ said Suzanne, smiling. ‘So that is why you were so late home.’
I blushed.
‘I know, I was still trying to make sense of what I was feeling when I spoke to you. It is not so much a question of being madly in love with Andy, so much as recognizing that this was who I really was.
Suzanne didn’t seem totally surprised by my revelation.
‘Ever since the first time I met Tom I noticed that there was something in his character that was not quite right, like a jigsaw piece that didn’t quite fit. It was as if Tom’s soul was not comfortable within his body. That may have been the reason why I encouraged you to become Clare in the first place, although I do admit that it was useful to have you stand in as my cousin at my dinner party.’
I smiled at the recollection of that evening.
‘Yes, I enjoyed myself that evening, once I’d got over my nerves.’
‘That was obvious, and the next day as well. As I got to know Clare, all trace of that awkwardness on your part seemed to disappear. I therefore suspected that you might eventually come to this decision, although I admit that I wasn’t expecting you to do so quite so quickly. After all, it was only a few weeks ago that you were arguing against going to the hairdressers with me.’
‘I know. I so wanted to go and have my hair done, and also to spend the whole of the Christmas holiday living as Clare, but I was also frightened about what it all meant.’
‘Debbie and I had both recognized that and had discussed how far we should encourage you to go ahead and embrace Clare, but in the end it had to be your own decision.’
‘Thank you, I see that now and I’m glad that you did encourage me. I am also pleased about the fire in my flat. It is almost as if things were meant to happen in this way.’
‘I am only pleased that I have been around to see you take the first few steps on your journey to becoming a woman. Does this mean that you are going to retain Clare’s identity, after I die?’
‘Yes I suppose it does. I realise it is illegal but I cannot see that anyone is going to find out.’
‘I’m glad about that since my will already names Clare Simpson as my executor, and also as one of a number of beneficiaries, and so I’m glad that I won’t now need to change things.’
‘You don’t need to leave anything to me Suzanne; you have done enough for me as it is.’
‘I promised to make it worth your while if you stayed with me and looked after me until the end and I intend to keep that promise.’
‘In that case, thank you, and of course I hope it won’t be for a long time.’
‘We’ll see, but I am finding that I am a little bit weaker every day.’
There was an awkward silence, so Suzanne decided to change the subject.
‘So, what are the implications of your decision to become Clare permanently?’
‘I suppose the first thing I need to do is to consult my local doctor and get a letter of referral to a Gender Identity Clinic. Once I’ve been formally accepted as a patient, I can then begin the process of transition to become a woman, both medically and also legally.’
‘What does that involve?’
‘I’ve been researching the subject on the Internet. I will have to satisfy them that I am both psychologically and physically capable of living successfully in my new gender role.’
‘I can’t see that creating any difficulties for you. There is no question that you look and act the part quite naturally. My two friends never questioned your gender, and I’ve never noticed anyone else do so on those occasions we’ve been out together.’
‘As I’ve lived as Clare since mid-December and been to work as a woman the beginning of this month, I’m hoping that the doctors will accept this as a part of the qualifying period.’
‘How long is the qualifying period?’
‘I would normally need to live for three months as a woman before I can qualify for hormone therapy, and at least twelve months before I could be considered as a candidate for surgery.’
‘So do you intend to go all the way?’ asked Suzanne.
‘There is no point in taking half measures. If I’m going to live as Clare I would want to do so in every respect that I possibly can. However, to be realistic, genital surgery is likely to be very expensive. There is no way that I could pay for it myself and so inevitably there will be a long waiting list.‘
‘What will you say to your father?’ she asked.
‘That’s going to be a problem. He thinks that I’m about to leave to travel to the USA. I suppose I could wait until it is all over before telling him, but now that I’m certain about my future, I think that I need to tell him as soon as possible after I’ve been officially diagnosed as gender dysphoric.’
‘Are you going to say anything to Andy?
‘I don’t think that I need to say anything to him at present, I’ll just see how we get on together over the next week or so, and then perhaps tell him at a later date if it seems appropriate.’
‘Well, good luck, Clare. What you are embarking upon is a very serious matter which will need a lot of thought. There can be no going back.’
‘I realise that.’
‘I suspect that it will be the right thing for you, but it is your body and your life and it can only be your decision.’
‘Thanks, Suzanne. I have taken a long time to come to the decision but now feel quite confident. I’ll try and arrange an appointment with my doctor either tomorrow or Friday afternoon, after work, to set things in motion.
I telephoned my GP practice from work the following morning and asked whether I might make an appointment to see one of the women doctors as soon as possible. They offered me an appointment the following afternoon. I quickly checked with Karen that it would be ok for me to arrive at work early and work through my lunch break on that day, and then accepted.
‘What is your name, address and date of birth?’ asked the receptionist.
‘My name is Thomas Evans and I was born 14 April 1986,’ I replied and proceeded to give her my new address.
‘There is something which you and the doctor need to know.’
‘What is that?’
‘I am living as a woman full-time and use the name Clare Simpson, which is the name that I will give when I arrive at the surgery tomorrow afternoon. It will be confusing and also a little embarrassing if you start to address me as Tom Evans.’
‘Don’t worry, I’ll put a note on your file and also warn the doctor,’ she said, as if it were nothing particularly unusual.
‘Thank you; that will be helpful.’
For some reason I always assume that things will be more problematic than they turn out to be.
Karen and Helen did not ask me about my doctor’s appointment, but I felt sure that they would quiz Debbie on the subject at the first available opportunity. Debbie, who realised the reason why I needed to consult a doctor, had agreed to pretend ignorance for the time being. It was not that I intended to keep my intentions a secret, but wanted everything in place before I started announcing them to all my colleagues, and also my father.
Although I’d been registered with the GP practice ever since I’d come to London, which was more than nine months ago, I hadn’t had any cause to use their services nor meet any of the doctors before this time. I gave my name to the receptionist and had to wait for a few minutes before I was called to see Dr. Andrews, who was a smart looking woman in her late thirties. As I entered her consulting room, I could see that she was reading a typed note that had been clipped to my medical file. She turned to me, smiled, and invited me to sit down.
‘So what can I do for you, young lady,’ she began.
I had been rehearsing in my mind what I would say all that morning.
‘I was born as Tom Evans, a male, but now live and work as Clare Simpson, a female, and I intend to stay that way for the rest of my life. I realise that I’ll never be able to change my genetic sex, but in my mind I have always been a woman and I now need your help to enable me to begin the process of changing my gender.’
‘How long have you been living as a female?’
‘I have been living as Clare, full-time, since early December and have also been going to work as Clare ever since we returned from the Christmas Holidays. But I did cross-dress and go out shopping as a woman at weekends before this.’
‘For how long have you felt the wish to live as a female?’
‘I believe I have always known that I was not the same as other boys, but I tried to hide that from myself and pretend that once I grew up and left home my feelings would change — only they didn’t do so. Then, once I had the opportunity to spend some time as a woman I realised that this was who I really was and how I was always meant to be.’
I deliberately kept things a little vague.
‘But when did you begin to dress as a woman at weekends?’
‘Nine months ago when I came up to London,’ I lied, thinking that if I admitted that it was only mid-November I would lack credibility. ‘Before that it was not really practicable for me to do so at home as my mother had a prolonged terminal illness. Prior to that I always assumed that one day I would grow out of these feelings, only now that I am twenty and away from home the feelings have just got stronger.’
‘I see,’ said Doctor Andrews, beginning to make notes on her computer screen.
‘It is only during the last few weeks that I have been able to live as Clare full-time, and I have never before felt so happy and contented with my life,’ I added.
‘Have you experienced any difficulties with your accommodation or your work since you started to dress as a woman.’
‘Not really, I have left my original bedsit and am now sharing a flat with a woman on the understanding that I do so as Clare, and that is working out fine. My boss also accepts me as Clare, and as soon as I have a formal diagnosis, I will seek to obtain a new National Insurance number and regularize my legal position.’
‘How about your colleagues at work?’
‘They all accept me as Clare.’
‘Good! Do you have a boyfriend,’ she asked.
‘I am quite friendly with a guy, who knows about my past life, but we have never had sex. My wish to become a woman does not come from any wish to improve my sex life, so much as becoming the person I really am.’
‘So, what are you looking for from me?’
‘I hope you will be prepared to prescribe some testosterone blockers for me and also to refer me to a gender identity clinic where I may begin the process of changing my gender.’
‘You appear to be well versed in the procedures involved.’
‘Yes, I have been reading about nothing else for the last few weeks. I believe that I am suffering from gender dysphoria and that it would be in my interests to live the remainder of my life as a woman.’
‘That will be for others with more training than either you or I to decide, but I must say that you do present to me as a very convincing young woman. From what you have told me today, I would be willing to refer you on to a clinic specializing in this condition.
‘Thank you Doctor.’
‘I will write to them today and they will be in touch and offer you an appointment in due course. You should realise that the course of action you are embarking upon will be prolonged and with no certain outcome.’
‘Yes, I know that Doctor, thank you very much.’
‘I am also prepared to prescribe you with a course of Aldactone, which is an anti-androgen, since the effects of its short-term use would be reversible. This will prevent the testosterone in your body from making you any more masculine in your appearance. However, it will be for my colleagues to decide whether or not you are a suitable recipient of hormone replacement therapy.’
She handed me the prescription.
‘Once you start to take these tablets you will become sexually dysfunctional, as a man, but this will end if you stop taking them. If you continue taking them over a prolonged period this loss of function could become permanent.’
‘I realise that Doctor, and understand the implications of what I am doing.’
‘In that case, Clare, I hope you are eventually able to find contentment in your new life.’
I left the surgery feeling as if a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I took the prescription to a pharmacist and came away with a two-month’ supply of pills, and had taken the first one before I left the shop.
I told Suzanne and Debbie about my consultation over dinner later that evening. They both seemed to be very pleased for me.
‘It may be a week or two before I hear any more but at least the wheels have now begun to turn. Assuming they accept me as a patient, I will have to find a way to tell my father.
‘Of course they will accept you, I cannot imagine that they have any other patient who is more obviously a woman in the wrong body than you are,’ said Debbie.
‘Thank you,’ I replied.
‘I’m not being nice; I am simply stating the truth as I see it.’
‘So you think I am doing the right thing, Debbie.’
‘In the end only you and your therapist can say that, but I certainly think you are doing the right thing in going to see one.’
‘I’ve also now got a supply of pills to stop me from becoming any more of a man,’ I said.
‘You never were very masculine in your appearance,’ said Debbie.
‘I know, but at least my own penis won’t now struggle when I go out with Andy tomorrow.’
‘I have been looking up how female impersonators cope with their dangly bits. I think I know what to do, but am not sure that I am as physically capable as I once was,’ said Suzanne. ‘Would you be willing to help me deal with Clare’s little problem, Debbie?’
‘I don’t see why not, I think we both owe it to her to help her look as presentable as possible tomorrow.’
I sat on the edge of my bed and then lay back and closed my eyes whilst my two friends gently eased my testes into my body cavity, allowing my penis to be pulled back between my legs and wrapped in the empty scrotal sack. The arrangement was then held in place with medical adhesive tape. When I sat up, my penis and scrotum were entirely hidden from my view. Only the tip remained uncovered.
‘Thank you, both,’ I said. ‘That doesn’t feel too bad.’
‘You had better make sure that you can still pee,’ suggested Suzanne. ‘You’ll have to do so from the seated position from now onwards.’
‘I’ve been in the habit of doing so ever since I became Clare,’ I replied.
A minute or so later I emerged from the toilet confirming that all was ok with the new plumbing arrangements.
‘You will need to remove and replace the tape from time to time to keep yourself clean, and it’ll be uncomfortable when you do so,’ said Suzanne, but with practice you should be able to do this for yourself.
‘It will be worth all the trouble to look and feel more like a woman,’ I said.
Chapter 25
An unproductive date
Debbie, Suzanne and I had a good time together again on Friday evening. I was glad that both of my friends were now aware of my intentions and appeared to be supportive of my decision. Also, once I’d gotten over the embarrassment, I was pleased that they’d both assisted me in disguising the last vestiges of Tom Evans, (at least until such time as they might be removed altogether). That rather personal action helped form a bond between us, just as my helping Suzanne with her washing and dressing did so.
To date I’d found that Clare’s interactions with her female friends and colleagues to have been surprisingly easy, but now I would have to see how she got on with members of the opposite sex and find out how they would react to her. My initial conversations with Andy had been quite positive, but things seemed to be moving to a different, more serious stage and I wasn’t quite sure what I felt about it. Then there was the difficult issue of how my father would react when he finally discovered about Clare. I realised that I would have to tell him, but when and how? Would it be best to do so be in person, by letter or over the telephone? I really missed my mother as I felt sure that I would have been able to tell her, and then perhaps she could have broken the news to him. However this was not a matter of great urgency, as he was under the impression that I would be leaving for the United States in a few days.
Debbie didn’t stay very late on Friday, as like me, she was due to have a date with her ‘Guy’ the following evening and wanted to have a reasonably early night. Maybe one day we could go out together as a foursome, I thought, but didn’t say anything as this would inevitably leave Suzanne out of the conversation. I felt so sorry for her; she should be going out on dates with guys, not sitting in a wheelchair at home, waiting to die. Life could be so unfair.
‘So what are your plans for tomorrow?’ asked Suzanne as I helped her to get ready for bed.
‘I’ll need to do our household shopping in the morning and maybe you can help me to get ready in the afternoon.’
‘Yes I’d like to do that,’ she replied.
Before going to bed, I removed my breasts once again, cleaned them and my skin and checked that they had been causing no irritation to my skin. I decided leave them off for the night, and perhaps just insert them in my bra in the morning, leaving it until I was getting myself ready to go out before fixing them properly once again.
Suzanne was a regular customer of the Marks and Spencer, ‘Simply Food’ range, which tended to be more expensive than many other supermarkets but was always good quality. We usually used the shop in Notting Hill Gate, but on that Saturday I decided to have a change and went instead to the larger store on Kensington High Street, where they also sold clothes. I was still trying to make sense in mind of the changes that had taken place in my life over the last few weeks, and what I’d told Suzanne and Debbie. Whilst I was there, I had a look round the ladies’ fashions. It was nice to look at what was available and I even toyed with the idea of trying on a dress that I liked, and felt would probably look good on me, but I wasn’t in a position to spend much money on myself until my insurance claim was settled. In any event, I would need to save money to finance my transition so I would have to make do with what I had for the time being. However, it was nice to be able to do look round the lingerie department without worrying what people might be thinking about me. In the end I decided to treat myself to a new bra and pair of knickers. After all, a girl can never have too much underwear.
I returned to the flat and prepared lunch for us both.
‘Ok, Clare, the time has come for you to experience one of the pleasures of being a young woman,’ said Suzanne, ‘that of getting yourself ready to go out on a date.’
‘Really,’ I said.
‘Yes you’ll find that it is both a physical and mental process. You have to take time over small details of your appearance, knowing that at the end you will not only look your best but, more significantly, you will feel good about yourself and confident when you go out tonight.’
‘I need to glue on my boobs once again, but what else needs to be done?’ I asked.
‘You can do that after you’ve had a shower. Begin by de-fuzzing your legs, arms, armpits and face and then you can hop in the shower to remove the depilatory cream.’
I followed her instructions, and, as I did so, I did my best to keep the water away from the tape holding me in place down below. I would need to learn how to deal with this by myself in future, but for the time being it was still securely in place. Suzanne and Debbie had made a neat job and I had plenty of other things to worry about.
‘If you wash your hair, I’ll help you to put it in rollers afterwards,’ she said whilst I was in the shower.
I emerged from the shower, dressed in a bathrobe, and started to dry my hair. Suzanne helped me to stick on my breast forms once again and disguise the joins.
‘I feel happier having my breasts stuck down, particularly since I’ll be wearing that dress, otherwise I would be worrying that the joins might be visible.’
‘You should have no difficulty now,’ she said and then began to brush my hair and put in rollers for me.
‘That’s nice, thank you very much.’
‘How would you feel about a facial?’ she asked. ‘I think you have enough time.’
‘I feel guilty letting you do all this for me and then my going out tonight, Suzanne; it is me who should be looking after you.’
‘Don’t worry, Clare, I’m enjoying myself.’
‘But how will you manage tonight?’ I asked.
‘I’ll be fine. You have already helped me to have my shower this morning, and there are the remains of last night’s dinner in the fridge for me to eat later. Perhaps you can help me to change into my nightclothes just before you go out, but I should be able to get myself in to bed. You go out and have a great time tonight and forget about me.’
‘Alright, if you’re sure that it is alright.’
Once she finished with my hair she spread the cream on my face, whilst I lay back and luxuriated in the experience.
‘You will need to keep still for half an hour whilst I tidy up your nails and change the colour of your nail varnish to match the dress that you’ll be wearing.’
Suzanne was right; it was one of the pleasures of being a young woman to be pampered in this way. I began to realise why beauty salons were so successful, and why women were prepared to spend as much money as they did on cosmetics and other beauty products. When the time came to put on my makeup, my friend sat with me and advised me what colours to use and how to apply them most effectively, but left me to do the work myself. I was glad to do so as these days I was becoming quite proud of my skills in using cosmetics.
Eventually I was ready. My hair and makeup were both complete to our mutual satisfaction; I’d inserted a pair of hooped earrings in to my ears and put on a necklet, and then stepped in to my dress and put on the sandals. A few squirts of perfume finished the job. I stood in front of the long mirror in my room.
‘What do you think Suzanne?’ I asked tentatively.
‘More to the point, what do you think?’ she replied.
‘Well I certainly feel good.’
‘Yes, I can see that, and how do you think you look?’
‘I guess I look pretty good as well,’ I replied, blushing a little as I did so.
‘Precisely. You look quite stunning, young lady.’
I don’t think that any compliment paid to me before had made me feel quite so good. It was a mental process — I felt good and confident because I knew that I looked good.
We returned to her living room and sat down to await the arrival of my escort for the evening.
What if he should stand me up now after having gone to all this trouble. I thought to myself, but five minutes later the door buzzer sounded. Suzanne was sitting closest to the intercom.
‘Hello.’
‘Hi, it is Andy. I’ve come for Clare.’
‘Come in,’ she said pressing the entry button to open the front door, ‘Clare will meet you in the hall.’
I went out of the flat to greet him. He was holding a bunch of flowers. He took one look at me and I could see the admiration in his eyes.
‘Wow, just look at you!’ he exclaimed, with obvious approval.
I blushed slightly but it only served to reinforce the knowledge that what I was doing, what I was planning to do, was the right thing for me. This was how I was meant to be, but there had been some plumbing mix-up by Mother Nature along the way.
‘Are those for me? Thank you very much, they’re lovely,’ I said taking the flowers and giving him a quick peck on the cheek.
‘I’ll need to put them in water before we go out, so come inside. I’d like you to meet my flat mate, Suzanne.’
‘Alright but I’ve parked my car in one of the residents’ parking places outside, will that be alright?’
‘Yes, that’s fine, there are no restrictions on Saturday nights.’
He followed me inside the flat, and I made the necessary introductions. I then busied myself in the kitchen with the flowers and I could hear them chatting with one another in quite a relaxed way. They were, after all, the same age. Eventually I emerged carrying a vase full of nicely arranged flowers, which I placed on the table.
‘I’m just going to help my friend get changed, Andy, but I’ll be ready to leave in ten minutes,’ I said.
‘No problem, we’ve plenty of time,’ he replied.
As I said this, my mobile phone rang. It still had my original sim card inside as I’d intended to swap to the new one at the beginning of the next week. I opened my handbag and looked at the number from the incoming call, but didn’t recognize it.
‘Hello,’ I said as androgynously as I could.
‘Is that Tom Evans?’
It was a woman’s voice with a Tyne and Wear accent, which I was unsure whether I recognized or not.
‘Hold on,’ I said and pressed the mute button.
‘Will you two excuse me for a minute,’ I said to the others, and went to my bedroom and shut the door.
‘Hello, this is Tom Evans, I said trying to adopt my more masculine voice.’
‘Hello Tom, this is Vera Hepburn, your Dad’s friend. We weren’t sure whether you were still in the country or not.’
‘I’m due to leave on Wednesday,’ I lied.
‘I’m afraid your Dad’s been taken to the Sunderland Royal Hospital. He was suffering from chest pains and shortness of breath
‘Do they know what is wrong with him?’
‘They said it was a pulmonary embolism — some sort of blockage in the lung.’
‘Is that serious?’
‘I think it can be. They’ve removed one blood clot from his artery, but they’re anxious in case there are any others in his blood stream. They are keeping him in hospital so that they can keep a close eye on him over the next few days. Your Dad told me not to tell you about it, but I thought that you’d want to know.’
‘Yes, of course. Thank you, Vera, I’m glad that you’ve told me.’
‘Do you think you will be able to come and see him before you leave for the USA?’ she asked.
‘I’m not sure, it might be difficult,’ I said feeling awful as I did so.
She sounded a little disappointed.
‘Well I’ll be visiting him over the next few days and so I’ll let you know if there are any developments.’
‘Thank you very much.’
I rang off and went to join the others again.
‘Is there a problem, Clare?’ asked Suzanne as I emerged from my bedroom, clearly looking worried.
‘That was my Dad’s new lady friend. He’s been taken to hospital in Sunderland with a pulmonary embolism, whatever that is. It sounds quite serious’
‘Let’s look it up on the NHS Direct website to see,’ said Suzanne, turning to her laptop computer which was on the table.
She soon found the relevant page where it was described as ‘a serious and potentially life-threatening condition.’
‘I’m very sorry, Clare, what are you going to do?’ asked Andy.
‘I ought to go and see him, but I can’t leave Suzanne on her own for such a long time.’
‘You would never forgive yourself if he were to die and you hadn’t been to see him,’ said Suzanne. ‘You don’t need to worry about me. I’ll be able to manage on my own for a couple of days.’
‘Why don’t we get in my car now and drive there,' suggested Andy. 'We could probably get two thirds of the way before we needed to stop and find a motel for the night. That way you would be able to reach the hospital by lunchtime tomorrow. Assuming all is well, we could be back in London by late tomorrow night.’
‘But you’d be exhausted driving all that way,’ I said.
‘I’ll be alright, I’m quite used to driving long distances, and it will be nice to have such attractive looking company for the journey,’ said Andy.
‘We can have separate rooms in the hotel if you prefer,’ he added, as an afterthought.
I blushed. I hadn’t given any thought to the sleeping arrangements but now found myself wondering what it would be like to share a bed with Andy.
In the meanwhile, Suzanne had turned to a Routefinder website.
‘According to the AA it should take just over five hours to drive there; that’s without any breaks. It would just be feasible, if you left straight away.’
‘But I can’t go looking like this. I’ve not yet had a chance to explain to him about Clare; the shock of finding out might kill him.’
‘Well it is up to you to decide,’ said Suzanne. ‘I think any father would be proud to have such a daughter, but maybe you could take advice from his lady friend. ‘Remember also that you don’t have any clothes for Tom and the shops are all now closed. In any event, it will probably take several hours of work to get you looking remotely like a young man again.
She didn’t remind me that I’d also promised her to remain as Clare, but I was aware of the fact, and also that I didn’t want Andy to see me dressed as Tom.
‘Alright, I’ll go as I am and face the consequences.’
Then turning to Andy I said: ‘thank you for your kind offer to drive me. Twin beds in a shared room will be fine with me.’
He looked quite pleased with himself.
‘I’ll just need to grab a change of clothes and some makeup. Will you need to collect a change of clothes from your flat Andy?’
‘I have a bag containing some clean underclothes, socks and a t-shirt in the car, just in case I got lucky with my date tonight,’ he said with a wicked grin.
Within half an hour of receiving the phone call from Vera, I’d packed an overnight bag and also helped Suzanne to change into her night clothes, whilst Andy went to the garage at the end of our road to fill his car with petrol.
‘Are you sure you’re going to be alright, Suzanne?’
‘Yes, I’ll be fine thanks. There’s plenty of food in the fridge.
‘Would you like me to see whether Debbie can call in on you tomorrow?’
‘Look, Clare, I may be confined to a wheelchair but I’m not yet suffering from dementia. If I need any help or visitors I’ll organize them for myself. You just go and see how your Dad is doing.’
‘Alright, I’ll see you tomorrow night.’
‘Good luck.’
‘Thanks for all the help.’
I put my bag on the back seat of the car and took my place in the front with Andy. As soon as we were clear of London and were driving on the M1 motorway I retrieved my mobile phone from my handbag and rang the number of the last call I’d received.
‘Vera, it is Tom Evans, I’m on my way to Sunderland and hope to be able to call in to see my Dad tomorrow lunchtime.’
‘Oh I’m so glad to hear that, lad. Your Dad told me not to say anything to you, but I knew he wanted to see you.’
‘The only thing is, there is something I need to tell you that may surprise you and him as well. Also, I’m going to need your help tomorrow.’
‘What’s that?’ she asked.
Chapter 26
Revelations
After two and a half hours of driving we both needed to stop for a toilet break so Andy pulled in to the Trowell service station. We then agreed that we could both also do with a cup of coffee.
‘You look tired, Andy. I see that there’s a Travelodge next door, would you like to spend the night here?’ I asked.
‘Ideally, I’d like to press on for an hour or two more. If you get the coffees, I’ll go and ask if there is another Travelodge going north on the Motorway.’
He rejoined me five minutes later.
‘There’s one at Woolley Edge Service Station near Wakefield, which is only about an hour and a half from here and is about the same distance from Sunderland. That would be ideal, but they only have a room with a double bed available. I can always take some blankets and sleep on the floor. What do you think?’
‘Go ahead and book the room, and there’s no way that I’m going to let you sleep on the floor when you’ve driven me all this way, but please understand that I’ll be in no mood for anything other than sleeping.’
He smiled.
‘Of course not; I’ll be pretty knackered myself by then.’
I felt a little sorry that his hopes of an enjoyable evening had turned out this way, and decided that I’d try and make it up to him sometime.
‘Andy, I’m really grateful to you for driving me all this way. I promise to pay you back, both for the cost of the petrol and also for the accommodation, but it may have to wait until I receive my next salary payment.’
‘That won’t be necessary, Clare, I would probably have spent just as much if we’d gone out to dinner in a restaurant and then on to a club. However, you can buy me a pasty and chips if you like, whilst I book the room. I’m absolutely starving.’
I did as he asked, but wasn’t feeling particularly hungry myself, so made do with a second cup of coffee.
‘I’m sorry if I’ve not been very talkative on the journey so far,’ I said lightly touching his hand. ‘I’ve had many things on my mind.’
‘Of course, I understand,’ he replied giving my hand a squeeze. ‘It must have been a shock.’
‘The first of many, for both Dad and myself.’
‘So how did it go when you spoke to your Dad’s lady friend? I couldn’t really judge from overhearing only your half of the conversation.’
‘Alright, I think. She was obviously surprised by my revelation, but in the end made a comment to the effect that young people must be allowed to live their lives as they think fit. I believe she has a son of her own who is openly gay and lives with a dress designer in Brighton and so the world of gender variance isn’t entirely new to her.’
‘She probably believes that all Southerners are effete, decadent, and likely to lead honest hardworking Northern lads astray,’ said Andy laughing.
‘Or, worse still, turn them into lasses,’ I said laughing.
‘How did she think your Dad will react to meeting you tomorrow?’
‘She wasn’t sure. Apparently he’s allowed to have one visitor outside of normal visiting hours, so she will go and see him at ten tomorrow morning and gently break the news to him. It won’t be easy to do so in a busy hospital ward, but at least there will be medical help to hand if the news causes him to have a heart attack,’ I said, half joking.
At least I hoped as much.
‘I told Vera that we would meet her in the hospital cafeteria at noon, to see how she got on.’
‘How do you think he will react?’
‘Well he’s not exactly the archetypal bluff northern type, but it will inevitably be something of a shock to see his only son wearing a skirt and high heels for the first time. I now wish I’d brought some lower heeled shoes to wear and also thought to bring some nail polish remover,’ I said examining my immaculately polished nails.’
‘You look great as you are. What would be the point in wearing dungarees and Doc Martens if you want to convince him that you wish to continue living as Clare?’
‘I don’t possess either garment, but I suppose you’re right, if I’m going to live as a girl I may as well try and look and act like one as well. I just wish my mum was still with us, she would have been able to talk him round, although I’m not sure that she would have entirely approved of the heels and the makeup.’
‘Well, as the lady said, young people must be allowed to live their lives as they think fit.’
‘I suppose so,’ I said thoughtfully.
‘And now, my lady, it’s time for us to hit the road again.’
We continued our journey and I had to use all of my powers of conversation both to take my mind off my forthcoming meeting with my father and also to make sure that Andy remained awake and alert whilst he was driving. For the next hour and a half we talked about almost anything, that came in to my head — our respective jobs, my flat mate’s medical condition, how I came to be living as Clare. The one thing I did not mention, however, was my recent visit to my doctor and my intention to seek gender re-assignment. It was something which I felt able to discuss with my female friends, but not yet able to discuss with Andy, or indeed my father.
It was almost midnight when we eventually checked into our room. Andy looked really tired, and so he had the first shower whilst I took off my makeup and fixed my hair. By the time I emerged from my shower he was already fast asleep.
‘Wakey wakey,’ I whispered into Andy’s ear, and then gave him a kiss on the cheek to reinforce the point.
‘What time is it?’
‘It’s nearly eight-thirty’.
He opened his eyes.
‘Hey, you’re up and dressed already.’
‘Yes, I’ve been awake since 7 o’clock, and what‘s more, I’ve been out to get us some breakfast. Shall we be totally decadent and eat it in bed together?’
‘Why not?’
Andy sat up and I passed him the tray that I’d borrowed from the café next door containing mugs of coffee and plates of eggs and bacon. Then I kicked off my shoes, slipped out of my dress and joined him. It had been a cold morning outside and it was nice to return to a warm bed. We ate our breakfasts and put the plates down on the floor and then both lay back for a minute and turned towards one another.
‘So what is happening today, young lady?’ he asked.
‘I’ve rung the hospital. All they would say was that Dad has passed a comfortable night and was still under observation. I don’t think there’s anything else we can do until we meet Vera in the hospital at midday. After that we’ll just have to play it by ear.’
‘In that case we’ll need to check out of the room by about 10.00am, so would that give us enough time to have a quick kiss and a cuddle before we get up?’
‘Maybe just a quick one,’ I said as I slipped my hand into his boxer shorts. ‘But I’ll have to leave myself enough time to take a shower and fix my makeup.’
‘Well, I must say you’ve changed a lot since we last met, my lad, or perhaps I should now say, my lass,’ said Vera as we met in the hospital cafeteria.
‘It might be less embarrassing for us all, if you did,’ I replied.
I was wearing a purple two piece skirt suit and a pink blouse. I’d chosen it as it was the same colour as the dress I’d worn the previous night, but looked less provocatively girly, somehow.
‘And who is this?’ she asked.
‘This is my friend Andy; he drove me here last night.’
‘That was very good of you to do so,’ she said, shaking him by the hand.
He smiled and looked a little bit awkward,
‘So how is Dad this morning?’ I asked, changing the subject.
‘Not too bad. I think we were all a bit shaken up by the incident, and of course he’s also had an operation to clear the blocked artery. They are now treating him with Warfarin, to thin his blood, and are cautiously confident that it will prevent any recurrence of the problem.’
‘Warfarin? I thought that was rat poison.’
‘It is, or at least used to be, but apparently it also had medical uses.’
‘Does Dad know I’m in Sunderland?’
‘Yes, at first he was angry with me that I’d told you.’
‘Have you told him about ….. Clare?’ I asked.
‘Yes, I told him exactly what you told me on the phone last night. It was a little difficult as there were other patients in the same room and also staff coming and going.’
‘I guess so. So how did he react?’
‘He became very quiet and thoughtful for a while. It was almost as if he wasn’t completely surprised by the news.’
‘Really? It came as quite a surprise to me when it all happened.’
‘Well maybe he didn’t know exactly what was wrong, but he’d previously said to me that he was worried about how you were getting on in London, although you’d apparently seemed to be happier when you visited just before Christmas. I think he was disappointed that you hadn’t felt able to tell him the whole truth, but was relieved to discover that you were no longer going oversea.’
‘I see,’ I said, feeling rather guilty. ‘At the time I thought I might be able to sort things out without him finding out.’
‘Well, he knows now.’
‘So how have you left things with him?’
‘I spoke to the nurse in charge and explained that you’d driven up from London and had to return there later today, and so you can go up and see him straight away, if you wish. Your young man had better wait here with me, though.’
‘Is that alright with you Andy?’
‘Yes, of course, you go up and see him.’
I followed Vera’s instructions to get to the ward and then asked a nurse where to find him. He was in the corner of a side ward containing six beds. The bed next to him was empty but the other four all had elderly male patients, some of whom were sleeping or listening to music on headphones.
‘Hello Dad,’ I said, putting some flowers that I brought down on to his bedside table. ‘How are you feeling?’
‘I’m alright, just a little bit tired.’
He looked at me carefully for what seemed like ages. I didn’t know what to say.
‘Well hinny, you remind me of your mother when she was your age and we first started stepping out together.’
‘Do I really?’ I said, blushing, but with a note of relief in my voice.
A ward orderly came over and picked up the flowers.
‘I’ll put those in a vase for you,’ she said.
We both waited quietly for her to leave us.
‘So what has happened to Tom?’ he asked
‘I’m not absolutely sure; he’s gone away for a while.’
‘Gone to America?’
‘I suppose you could say that, but Clare will still be living and working in London.’
‘Is Tom ever coming back?’
‘I’m not sure, Dad; possibly not. But please understand that I’ve been really happy over the last few weeks.’
‘And Tom wasn’t happy?’
‘No! Not really.’
‘I suspected not, so did your mother,’ he replied sadly.
The orderly returned bringing the flowers in a vase, and put them down on the locker then busied herself checking the forms at the end of her bed. I looked around at the other occupants of the room, whilst we waited for her to leave
‘When do you go back to London?’
‘This afternoon, I’m afraid. We’ll need to leave by three if we’re going to be back in London tonight.’
‘Who’s we?’
‘A friend gave me a lift up in his car. He’s waiting downstairs with Vera,’ I said beginning to blush.
‘Oh! I see. Is it serious?’
‘I’m not sure,’ I said, blushing even more. ‘It is the first time I have ever been out with someone. I am still trying to work out who I am.’
He didn’t answer. A trolley appeared at the entrance to the room; an orderly came over to us.
‘We are serving the patients their lunches now, would you mind coming back at two o’clock, please Madam.’
It was said as an instruction rather than a question.
‘Listen, my bonny lass, we will need to have a serious talk about things - about the past and the future - but this isn’t the time or place to do so,’ said Dad.
‘Yes, I can see that,’ I replied.
‘I should be out of here in a day or two and once I’ve regained my strength I’ll come down to see you in London.’
‘That’s a long way for you to come, why don’t I come up here, or perhaps we could meet half-way?’
‘No, I want to see how and where you’re living. In the meanwhile please come back at two, and you can bring your young man with you, if you wish.’
‘Alright,’ I said getting up to leave. ‘I should like that.’
Andy and Vera seemed to be getting on alright and were having a cup of tea together, when I rejoined them. Vera offered to go and get me a cup.
‘How did you get on Clare?’ Andy asked when she left us.
‘OK, I think, for the time being at least. I think Vera must have done a good job breaking the news to him, and he’s not the type to ‘freak out’ in public. However, he says we wants to come and see me in London when he’s a little better, ‘to talk about the past and the future,’ whatever that means.’ I replied. ‘They are giving him lunch now but he would like us to come back at two o’clock. You can come as well, Andy, if you wish to do so.’
‘Alright, but I’m afraid we won’t be able to stay for long.’
Vera returned with my tea.
‘Thanks so much for everything you’ve done for my dad over the last few days,’ I said.
‘Think nothing of it, lass,’ she said, touching my hand. ‘I’m glad that you decided to come and see him.’
‘So am I now, but thanks for telling him … everything.’
‘No problem. Now what will be happening this afternoon?’
‘I think we should try and leave at 2.30pm,’ said Andy.
‘In that case you two go up to see him at 2.00pm. I’ll go home now and come back by 2.30.’
The afternoon visit was much less of an ordeal for us both. The ward was full of visitors to the other patients and so there could be no opportunity for any embarrassing discussions or revelations. Dad appeared to accept me as his daughter and shook hand with Andy. He also thanked him for driving me up to visit him. Andy apologized that we would not be able to stay for very long, but Dad said he understood, but was glad we had made the effort. Eventually Vera arrived and so I took my leave of them both, giving them a parting kiss.
‘One other thing, hinny, maybe you could send me a photograph of yourself sometime,’ said Dad as I was about to leave.
I smiled.
‘Yes of course, Dad. My flat mate has a good quality camera, I’ll ask her to take one of me as soon as I get home.’
I’d texted Suzanne a couple of times over the course of the last twenty four hours, ostensibly to let her know we’d arrived safely, but also as a means of checking that she was still alright. Once we were underway I called her, to let her know when to expect me home.
‘Hi Clare, how’s your Dad?’
‘Not too bad, I think the need to panic is probably now passed. How are you?’
‘I’m fine, Debbie is here with me.’ So how did the meeting with your dad go?’
‘A lot better than I feared. At least he didn’t try and tell me to take a cold shower and pull myself together or seek to have me committed to a mental institution’
‘Well that’s something, I suppose.
‘He also called me hinny’
‘Is that good?’ she asked, sounding surprised.
‘It's a local term of endearment. It's how he used to address my mum. However, he says that he intends to come down to London when he’s better and have a serious talk about the future.’
‘How have things been with Andy?’
‘He’s been great,’ I said looking across to him then added, ‘he’s sitting next to me now.’
I gently placed my hand on his knee in acknowledgment that we were talking about him. He smiled.
‘In that case you’ll have to tell me all about it later.’
Andy and I continued chatting quite happily for a couple of hours and whilst we stopped for a drink at the Watford Gap Service Area. I offered to buy him some dinner, but he preferred to have a snack and press on. During the final leg of our journey I couldn’t stop myself from falling asleep in the car. It was partly because we had the heater on full, but also the relief of having seen my father and knowing he was alright had lifted a weight of worry from my shoulders. The next thing I remember was when Andy gently spoke my name and touched my shoulder. We had left the motorway and were in the Kilburn High Road, less than two miles from Suzanne's flat. A few minutes later he pulled up outside.
‘I’m really grateful for everything you’ve done for me this weekend, Andy, I said, expecting him to lean across to kiss me.
‘That’s ok, I was happy to do so,’ he said a little awkwardly, and staying put.
I tried again.
‘And I’m sorry that our date was ruined.’
‘It wasn’t your fault.’
So why don’t you ask me out again? I thought to myself, but found myself unable to voice the words.
There was an awkward silence. It occurred to me that he must have been doing a lot of thinking during those two hours that I’d been sleeping. Eventually I undid my seat belt, got out and collected my case from the back seat.
‘So you’ll call me sometime?’ I said.
‘Alright,’ he said but without a lot of conviction in his voice.
What had I done?
‘Goodbye then, and thanks again.’
I didn't look back as I heard his car start and then drive off. I let myself into Suzanne’s flat not knowing what to make of it all.
Chapter 27
The next week
Suzanne announced that she was also feeling a lot better when she woke. I was glad that we would be able to spend the day together so that I could make amends for having been away for much of the weekend and leaving her on her own. I therefore organized a leisurely breakfast for us both during which I related the full story of my weekend.
‘That’s just typical of a man,’ commented Suzanne as I came to the end of my account. ‘They chase after you and profess undying love until they get you into bed with them, and then start to back off in case they should one day find themselves having to ‘commit’ to something or somebody.’
‘We may have slept in the same bed but we didn’t actually have sex, apart from a little cuddling and manual stimulation on my part.’
‘That probably counts as a conquest in his eyes and will be enough to give him one more notch on his bedpost or bragging rights with his mates in the pub.’
‘I don’t believe Andy is like that,’ I replied blushing at the thought. ‘I never had the impression that he was only after one thing. In any event, he didn’t have to volunteer to drive me all that way to see my father.’
‘Believe me, Clare, all men are only after one thing; they are genetically programmed that way,’ she replied definitively. ‘But, I suppose you may be right in some respects. It was good of him to drive you all that way, even if it proved to be a false alarm in the end.’
‘Yes but I’m still glad we went, though; and also that my father knows about Clare, even though he is now threatening to come to London and pay me a visit sometime in the future.
‘Did you discuss your long term intentions with him?’
‘No, not really. It was difficult for me to say much in a public ward, and in any event I want to see a therapist and have some idea of the timetable before I say too much about it. However, I did try to imply that my living as Clare wasn’t just a passing whim.’
‘So how did he react to meeting his new daughter or perhaps we should say more strictly, his daughter-to be?’
I thought for a moment before answering.
‘It is difficult to say exactly what was going on in his mind. Vera, his new lady friend, had done a pretty good job of preparing the ground for me, which made things a lot easier. So Dad didn’t seem as surprised or upset as I’d imagined. He was even prepared to meet Andy.’
‘How did Andy react to that idea of meeting your Dad?’
‘He seemed ok about it.’
‘I just wonder whether it was a little premature for Andy to be ‘meeting the parents,’ and that scared him off. Do you think that may be the reason why gave you the cold shoulder last night?’
‘I’m not sure, I wouldn’t have planned it that way, but that’s how it turned out. He seemed alright when he was with Dad and was also quite chatty to me during the first part of our journey home,’ I answered sadly. ‘It was only during the last two hours when I was asleep that seemed to become change, as if he’d been brooding about something.’
’In that case, Clare, don’t just sit at home and mope. Phone him to find out what is his problem? After all, we are now living in the twenty-first century and a girl is allowed to phone a guy if she chooses to do so.’
‘Good heavens no,’ I replied vehemently. ‘If I am going to be a girl, I fully intend to avail myself of all the advantages on offer.’
‘What advantages?’ asked Suzanne, sounding a little surprised.
‘That I get the right to say yes or no, and don’t have to go through the nightmare of plucking up courage to ask the question.’
‘If you are not careful you will set back the cause of women’s lib by years. There are lots of young women who resent being expected to remain the passive recipients of a man’s attention.’
‘Maybe so, but I’m not one of them.’
She didn’t press the point.
‘It is also possible that he’s unsure of himself and how you feel about him?’
‘I did my best to make that clear to him in bed yesterday morning.’
‘Maybe he was becoming a little worried about the growth of his feelings for you?’
This hadn’t really occurred to me, and would take some thinking about. I decided to try and put an end to the discussion.
‘If Andy wants to see me again then he must ask me out,’ replied decisively.
‘Alright then, it’s your life. Let us hope that his crisis of confidence is quickly resolved and he sees sense. In the meanwhile, young lady, you’ll just have to wait patiently by the phone hoping that it will ring, as so many of our sisters have done ever since the invention of that device.’
‘I like Andy but I’m not so smitten that I’ll be incapable of doing anything else until I hear from him. Now that Dad knows about Clare, I want to get my physical transition started as soon as possible’
I rang the hospital in Sunderland during the course of the morning, only to be told that Dad had been discharged about an hour before. I therefore rang his mobile phone and afterwards the landline of our home but got no response from either number. Eventually I rang Vera’s mobile to see if she knew what was happening.
‘Your Dad is going to spend a few days with me, so I can keep an eye on him. He’s asleep at the moment, but maybe you could ring back this evening to have a chat?’
Things certainly seemed to be getting more serious between them. I felt a little sad for my mum’s sake, but on balance I thought it was probably be a good thing, and that it was probably what my mother would have wanted for him.
‘That’s very kind of you, Vera; I’ll feel a lot happier knowing that he isn’t on his own.’
‘It’s no problem, lass. My family have grown up and moved away so I’ve plenty of spare room.
The inclusion of that one word — lass — into her sentence had a profound effect on me. It showed me that she accepted me as I was. Before I knew it, I found myself gossiping away to Vera about her family, my Dad’s health and my job in London in a way that I’d never done before. Tom’s telephone calls had always been short and to the point, whereas as Clare I found myself both able and willing to chat without being conscious of the time. Eventually, after twenty minutes or so, Vera broke in.
‘This call must be costing you a fair packet, Clare. When I talk to my son in Brighton we use something called Messenger which doesn’t cost us anything and you can see one another as well? Can you use it on your computer?’
‘I’ve been using Skype but there’s no reason why I shouldn’t use Messenger as well. I’ll try and get it working this afternoon and so I’ll be able to chat to you both later on.’
‘If you do, I’ll show your father what he needs to do at this end. It’ll be nice for him to see you as well as just talk. It will remind him that he now has a daughter rather than a son.’
‘I can see that you and I are going to become great allies, Vera,’ I said.
‘Well I saw what happened between my son Peter and his father when, when my lad announced that he was gay. It nearly broke the whole family, and I’m sure it brought on my Eric’s heart attack and shortened his life,’ she said sadly.
‘That is sad. I hope that the father and son were reconciled before he died.’
‘Yes they were, but it was all so unnecessary. Peter and his partner make a lovely couple together and have now entered into one of those Civil Partnerships. We have to let our children make their own decisions and live their own lives, just as we did when we were young. I said that to your Dad and told him not to make the same mistakes as my Eric.’
‘Vera, you are a lovely woman, and I’m so glad that you and Dad have become friends.’
I also had a long chat over the phone with Debbie, who was on her own in the office. She had rung me and so on this occasion it was our employers that were paying the phone bill, but I did not feel too guilty as they’d been perfectly happy to let Tom go in spite of his having worked hard for the previous year. Debbie was anxious to know how things had gone for me over the weekend, and was unwilling to wait until I went in to office the next day, including the slightly surprising behavior of Andy at the end.
‘Would you like me to ring him to find out what was wrong?’
‘No thanks. I wouldn’t want to put any pressure on him. It is up to him if he gets in touch with me again.’
‘I realise that but I might make a few discreet enquiries on your behalf among his friends,’
‘Be very careful, he may not want his friends to know that he has been out with a transgendered woman.’
‘I promise be the sole of discretion, and will see what I can discover.’
‘Alright, but now that I’ve told you the full story I expect a detailed account of your weekend and the progress of your love life in return.
‘That’s nearly two hours that you’ve spent on the phone this morning; you really are turning in to a woman,’ commented Suzanne, laughing, when I’d finished both my calls. ‘It must be those pills that you’re taking.’
‘If only that were true, but unfortunately they are only to stop me from becoming any more of a man. I can’t wait until I begin taking the hormones so that I can look and feel like a real woman.’
‘When do you expect to hear from the clinic? ‘
‘I only saw my GP on Friday and so I suspect it may be a week or more. I just hope that they will be willing to accept that I have been happily living as Clare since November and don’t try and keep me waiting for another three months before prescribing me with oestrogen.’
Suzanne and I continued to chat together as I made us some soup and a sandwich for our lunch.
‘If you smarten yourself up a little and fix your makeup this afternoon, I could take some photographs of you to send to your Dad,’ she suggested.
‘Are you sure that you’re feeling up to it?’
‘Clare, I’m quite capable of pressing a camera shutter. I can even do that from my wheelchair.’
‘In that case, thank you very much.’
Two hours later we were inspecting the results on the computer that we shared in the living room as my own laptop had been lost in the fire. We were trying to decide which ones would be best to get printed to send to my father.
‘What sort of image are you looking for, Clare?’
‘A sensible and attractive young lady and not too girly,’ I replied.
‘How about that one?’ she said, pointing to the thumbnail of a three quarter head-shot of me in a dark blue dress.
I double clicked on it so that we could look at the image full-sized.
‘Dad said that I reminded him of my mother, when she was my age. I think I can now see what he means.’
‘In that case, she must have been very good looking,’ responded Suzanne.
‘Thank you,’ I said, blushing a little at the thought, but pleased that she had said so. ‘I’ll take the SD card with me tomorrow into work afterwards and arrange to have two or three printed to send to him.’
I just wish my mother could have seen me as Clare,’ I thought to myself sadly.
Although a keen photographer herself, Suzanne didn’t like having her own photograph taken. She did however relent and allowed me to take one photograph of the two of us together, using the timer. As I was copying this on to the computer, I compared it with the photograph that we’d taken together back in November, on the first occasion I’d dressed as Clare. I was quite shocked to see how much her appearance had changed in just over two months as her condition gradually deteriorated.
Whilst I was using the computer, I set up Microsoft Messenger and then did the same for Suzanne on the computer in her bedroom, so that we were able to try out the software. Once it was working, I called Vera again and talked her through how to contact and then connect to me online. Eventually I was able to spend ten minutes conversing with my Dad. I was glad that Suzanne had persuaded me to change into a dress and put on more than basic make up for the photographs as I now felt more confident when talking to him.
Dad was no more talkative to me as Clare than he used to be to Tom, but I persevered and he dutifully answered my questions about how he was feeling, what pills he had to take and when he was due to return for an outpatient’s appointment at the hospital.
‘They want me to come in on Monday week, but I told them that I feel fine now that they’ve cleared that blockage.’
‘Good but please take it easy, Dad and do whatever Vera tells you. I don’t want to have to come driving up all that way to visit you in hospital again,’ I said, having just about run out of other things to say and drawing the conversation to a close.
‘Alright but I’ll need to come and see you soon, hinny.’
‘Well, you can’t for the time being, you’ve only just come out of hospital, remember?’
‘I’ve looked up the train times, If I left Sunderland at eight o’clock I could be in London by 11.30. That would give me five or six hours in London, which should be enough time to talk to you.’
‘Can’t we talk over the Internet or by phone?’
‘No, I’ve something that I want to show you.’
‘Well if you want to see me, you’ll have to come down on a Monday, as that is my day off work. Since you have a hospital appointment on the 29th I suggest you can come down on the 5th February,’ I said, hoping that by then he would be fitter and that I would have had my first appointment with the therapist and so I might have something to say to him as well.
‘But that’s three weeks away!’
‘At least I’ll be reasonably happy that you have regained some of your strength by then. Also that way you’ll be able to take advantage of cheap rail fares by booking more than two weeks in advance.’
I thought that the second point would probably carry more weight with him than the first.
‘Alright, I suppose so,’ he replied reluctantly.
‘And promise me that you’ll reserve a seat for yourself both ways, I don’t want you dropping dead from exhaustion on the train.’
‘You know, hinny, you’re beginning to sound just like your mother.’
‘Good!’
Not a lot else happened to me during the rest of that week. As usual, I went in to work in full-Clare mode (smart suit, high-heels and immaculate makeup) as dressing elegantly always made me feel more confident when dealing with customers or my colleagues. I also organized the pictures and sent them to Dad care of Vera. I also contacted Dad by Messenger each evening just to check that he was still alright, but tended to end up chatting to Vera rather than him. She was always easy to talk to and often complimented me on what I was wearing. I didn’t hear anything from Andy, and Debbie had not yet received any feedback from her discreet enquiries on the subject. Suzanne’s condition remained much the same. I was on my own in the office on Friday lunchtime, when my mobile phone began to ring.
‘Hi Suzanne’ I said, recognising her ring tone.
‘Hi Clare, I thought I’d let you know that there are two official-looking letters which have just arrived addressed to Tom. One is from the West London Mental Health Trust and the other appears to be from an insurance company.’
‘Oh dear, I wasn’t expecting anything quite so quickly, would you mind opening them for me and telling me what they say please.’
There was a pause, and then a minute later Suzanne came back to the phone.
‘The first one is an appointment for you for next Wednesday afternoon. Will you be able to get the time off work?’
‘I should think so, Karen said they could be quite flexible with my hours. I’ll talk to her later this afternoon.’
I waited for a moment whilst she opened the second envelope.
‘It contains a cheque for £4,925 made out to Tom Evans, settling his claim in full. That’s the maximum sum except for a £75.00 excess which they have deducted.’
‘Wow! That’s wonderful news, now I’ll be able to buy myself some clothes of my own so that I can return some of those that I’ve been borrowing from you.’
‘Clare, I’ve already told you that you can keep all the clothes I’ve given to you as I won’t be wearing them again.’
‘Alright then, thank you, but it’ll be nice to be able to choose a few things for myself for a change. Also I’m going to need to get these hair extensions fixed as one came out when I was washing my hair in the shower this morning.’
‘Of course, but don’t be in too much of a hurry to spend all your money, you may decide that there are other things you want to do with it?’
‘What sort of other things?’
‘At least wait until after your appointment. You may find that you need to pay for a course of hormones or perhaps even a boob job!’
Chapter 28
My preliminary interview
Of course Suzanne was right; I now had more than enough clothes to wear and in all probability I would need the insurance money to help finance my transition and begin my new life as a woman. I therefore decided that once I’d banked the cheque and it had cleared I would transfer all the funds from Tom’s to Clare’s account. I would then close Tom’s account as one more, largely symbolic step on the road. Yet at the same time I did feel that I deserved a small treat and was eager to experience the pleasures of going out and choosing something for myself to wear, rather than relying on the judgment and choices of my friends. I still had some money in Tom’s current account and would receive Clare’s first salary cheque the following week. I remembered a red and white floral dress that I’d seen in Marks and Spencer the previous Saturday morning but had refrained from trying on. The interaction of the two colours created a pleasing and very feminine appearance of pink. I therefore decided to call in at the Marble Arch branch on my way home from work and have another look at it.
The dress proved to be a light-weight chiffon type of material, and with short sleeves it was probably more suitable for summer wear than January, but it was fully lined and I knew it would go well with a pink Bolero jacket given to me by Suzanne. I took it to the changing room and tried it on. It certainly felt good to wear and as far as I could judge it suited me. It went through my mind that perhaps I ought to ask Debbie to come and check it out for me before I bought it, or at least ring home and ask Suzanne’s opinion, but then I decided to go ahead. If I was going to live successfully as a young woman I would need to feel confident about how I looked and what I wore and wouldn’t always be able to rely on my friends. Perhaps I might make some mistakes along the way, but didn’t every girl do so? I went ahead and bought it, and also a pink coral necklace and pair of earrings which I felt would go well with it.
In the event Suzanne was very flattering when I showed her the dress and accessories later that evening, and agreed that it would go well with the Bolero.
‘I never meant to suggest that you shouldn’t buy any new clothes for yourself, Clare, just that you should start to think about the long term future.’
‘I know, and of course you’re right, but having now discovered the pleasures of having nice clothes to wear, it is something of a temptation,’ I said admiring myself in the bedroom mirror. ‘I think I may even wear this outfit when I go for my first appointment at the clinic. Unfortunately this first appointment is made in the name of Tom Evans, but I’m determined not to make any compromise in my appearance or conduct as a result. What do you think?’
Suzanne smiled.
‘I think you will look fine, Clare. Were you successful in getting some time off next Wednesday?’
‘Yes Karen was happy for me to exchange my days off next week, although I didn’t spell out to her exactly what the appointment was for. She assumed it was so that I could accompany you to see your doctor.’
‘Well in some respects that is not too far from the truth. My doctor, a health visitor and a social worker from the hospital will be coming here next Wednesday morning to discuss my future and it would be helpful to me if you could also be present.’
‘Yes, of course, as long as I can be away soon after lunchtime.’
Our weekend seemed a little flat after the excitement of getting myself ready for a date, followed by my trip to Sunderland and the ultimate disappointment of the previous weekend, but I kept myself busy cleaning the flat and on various other chores. I also continued to be in regular brief contact with Dad, who seemed to be doing alright, and with Vera who was a lot chattier. There was still no word from Andy and I was coming to the conclusion that that friendship was probably now over, before it had really got established. I guess I was expecting a lot for him to accept me as a woman, whilst I was still physically (and indeed legally) a man, no matter what I felt like inside. But at least I had something to look forward to — my forthcoming appointment. Wednesday was going to be an important day for both Suzanne and myself for different reasons.
I helped Suzanne to get up early the following Wednesday and we were both dressed and had eaten some breakfast by the time her visitors arrived at 10.00am.
‘Now remember, Clare, we have to convince them that I will be able to manage at home, with your help. I do not wish to end my days in a hospital.’
‘Yes, of course, I understand.’
‘No matter what happens to me here, it is my wish to remain in my flat.’
‘Suzanne, even if I have to give up my part-time job, I will continue to look after you at home. That is my promise.’
Suzanne very much took the lead in the subsequent discussion between the medical professionals and us. I was introduced as her cousin Clare, who had taken on the role of her part-time, live-in care giver and that, if needs be, I would be prepared to take on the role full-time. I confirmed that this was so. Suzanne spelled out in no uncertain terms that she would be willing co-operate with any treatment undertaken in her own home, but refused absolutely to go into hospital. The doctor argued that she might be shortening her own life as a result, but when challenged he admitted that this could only be by a matter of weeks, if at all, and that the prognosis was grim whatever she did. It took some argument on her part to convince them, but eventually they agreed to her wishes. We decided that she would receive regular visits from the health visitor who would liaise with me and also with the hospital, but that she would continue to be treated at home.
We all could see that the interview had been quite draining for Suzanne, so we let her have a nap whilst I showed the visitors out of the flat.
‘You do realise how serious is your cousin’s condition, Miss Simpson. There is really nothing more that we can do and I am afraid that it can only be a matter of weeks now before the end.’
‘Yes, I’ve noticed how much she has declined over the last few weeks that I have been staying here. ‘What will happen at the end, doctor?’
‘It is impossible to say with certainty. Heart failure is the most likely outcome; she may even die in her sleep. You should be prepared for any eventuality.’
‘I see.’
‘When the time comes you should telephone the health visitor directly rather than the usual emergency number to call an ambulance; she will have my contact number.’
‘Thank you, doctor. I will do my best for her.
In some respects it felt wrong to be thinking about myself and my future after this rather sombre conversation, but I knew that Suzanne would want me to go ahead and keep my appointment. I also knew that it would be important for me to look my best. Our visitors were gone by 11.00am which gave me plenty of me time to get myself ready for my own appointment in the afternoon and then get us both some lunch.
When she woke at lunchtime, Suzanne resisted any attempt at discussing her condition any more, but rather turned the conversation on to me and my future.
‘You look very nice in that outfit, Clare, I can see you are developing an eye for what suits you,’ said Suzanne once she woke up from her sleep
‘Thank you. I didn’t want to go over the top with ‘girlyness’, but at the same time I don’t want to leave anybody in any doubt of my adopted gender.’
‘I don’t think there ever could be any danger of that now.’
‘So you appear to have got what you wanted this morning,’ I said changing the subject.
‘Yes I did, and thank you for your help in that matter. If you stay with me to the end, I promise to make it up to you.’
‘Suzanne, you have already done more than enough for me as it is. Apart from anything else you have shown me who I really am and how I want to spend the rest of my life.’
‘In that case I hope you get what you want this afternoon.’
My GP had referred me for a preliminary assessment of my gender identity ‘issues’ by a psychologist at the West London Mental Health Trust in Southall. This was some way outside the area in which I was then living but my doctor advised me that they had more experience in this field and worked closely with the Charing Cross Hospital Gender Identity Clinic which was now in Hammersmith. This unit had been in operation since the 1960s and was believed to be the largest such clinic in Europe and would be the best place to oversee my transition. However, they only accepted referrals from Mental Health professionals, and so this would be an important preliminary step.
I arrived at the Southall clinic in good time and went up to the reception.
‘My name is Thomas Evans, I have an appointment with Doctor Underwood,’ I said feeling my cheeks colouring as I did so.
There was a slight double-take on the part of the receptionist, and a typist working at a computer in the back office raised her eyes from her work for a second, but I’m sure they’d both come across this situation before.
‘Oh yes,’ she said consulting a list of appointments. As this is your first time here will you take a seat and complete this form please,’
She handed me a clip-board and pen and I followed her instructions. I filled in the form accurately with my given names, address, date and place of birth, National Health number etc. but I left question about my sex until the end. Eventually, instead of ticking either the M or the F box as requested, I crossed them both through and wrote ‘not sure’, then took the form back to the receptionist. She smiled and quickly read it through.
‘How would you like us to address you?’ she asked.
‘I’ve been using the name Clare Simpson at work, although I haven’t yet legally changed my name.’
‘Is that Miss or Ms?’ she asked.
‘Ms please,’ I replied, already feeling quite relieved.
She wrote on the top of my form ‘Prefers to be known as Ms. Clare Simpson.’
Thank you.’
She smiled and said, ‘Doctor Underwood is running a little late this afternoon, but she shouldn’t be more than ten minutes or so.’
I took off my outdoor coat and hung it on a coat hook provided, and took a seat in their waiting room. I took out a powder compact and checked my makeup in the mirror. It seemed ok, but I dabbed a little powder on the nose just to be on the safe side to give myself something to do. I then idly flicked through some copies of Elle and Cosmo whilst I waited to be called, trying to stop myself from feeling too nervous. In fact it was more like twenty minutes before I was invited to go through to the consulting room.
‘Please come in and take a seat Ms. ….. Simpson,’ said a middle aged woman, who was reading my form. May I call you Clare?’
‘Yes please, I should prefer that.’
‘I have a letter from your GP who suggests that you would be a suitable candidate to attend our Gender Identity Clinic. My job is to make an initial assessment of your overall mental health and to determine whether changing your gender is right for you. Although in your case you appear to have taken several steps down that road of your own volition.’
‘Yes, I started dressing as a woman last year, and I’ve been living full-time as Clare since the beginning of last December, and have no intention of ever going back to living as a male.’
I wanted to make my determination clear at the earliest opportunity.
‘I see, and have you experienced any problems living in a different gender?’
‘Not really, apart from having to break the news to my father, that is. In every other respect I have never felt as contented with my life as I do now.’
‘How did your father react to your news?’
‘He was surprised, but not angry. I think he is coming to terms with my decision.’
‘And your mother?’
‘She died just over a year ago.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that. Do you have any brothers or sisters?’
‘No, I was an only child.’
She looked again at my form.
‘I notice that you have written the word ‘not sure’ next to the box asking what sex you are. Why did you do that?’
‘Well, it isn’t that I’m unsure of my physical sex, although I’ve always been small for my age and have never really developed many overtly male physical characteristics. As far as I’m aware I am a fully-functioning male, or at least I was until I started taking the Aldactone, but I’ve never really felt like a male in my head.’
‘So what does a male feel like?’
I smiled.
‘That’s just the point, I don’t know, but I do know that I’m not one.’
She smiled at me in response.
‘However, as soon as I started dressing, acting, and then living as a woman it felt just ‘right‘ for me somehow. It is difficult to explain but I felt as if this is who I really was, or at least who I should have been.’
‘In that case why did you leave it until you were nearly twenty before taking any action to rectify your situation?’
‘My mother was seriously ill for nearly three years before she died and I felt that I couldn’t saddle her or my father with any additional problems about my own life. Prior to that, although I realised that other people didn’t feel the same way as I did, I assumed that one day I’d grow out of the feelings that things weren’t quite right in my life.’
‘So what makes you sure now that you won’t grow out of these feelings one day and want to revert to being male and perhaps starting a family?’
‘I’m absolutely certain,’ I replied looking her straight in the eyes. ‘I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life. I feel more comfortable with myself, and in the way I interact with others. I have more friends and find it easier to talk to people as a woman. I realise the sacrifices that I will inevitably make by taking female hormones and eventually having surgery, but am happy to make them. Now that I have seen how good life can be for me as a woman, I couldn’t bear to go back to living as a male again.’
Doctor Underwood spent another twenty minutes or so probing different aspects of my decision and asked for details of my background, childhood, education, job, domestic circumstances, sex life and my mental health generally, taking notes as she did so. She also spelled out the implications of my proposed course of action for my future, and that once I started there could be no going back. I did my best to convince her that I was well-balanced, happy and had given serious thought to my future. Eventually she brought the interview to an end.
‘Well Clare, you appear to have several things going for you in your quest to live your life as a woman. You present to me as a convincing and attractive young woman, who has lived and worked successfully in her chosen gender for some time. You seem to have a regular and stable life with a job and accommodation, which is important for those undergoing transition. What is more, you appear to have faced up to the task of informing your family. From looking at you I do not believe that you will require speech therapy, ENT surgery or extensive laser treatment to be able to pass successfully as a woman. I therefore endorse the opinion of your GP and am happy to recommend that you should become a patient of the Gender Identity Clinic.’
‘Thank you Doctor Underwood.’ I replied, suddenly realising how relieved I felt.
‘You will receive an appointment letter from them and they will discuss with you what they can do to help you. I do warn you that they will want to see you at least twice and investigate the reasons for your wishing to change gender in some depth before they will agree to prescribe any female hormones.’
‘Yes, Doctor, I do understand the situation.
‘Any other decisions about surgery will depend upon the opinion of the consultants as to your suitability, and will inevitably be subject to waiting lists.’
‘I realise that, but will I at least be able to continue taking the testosterone blockers in the meanwhile?’
‘Yes, you should be able to get a repeat prescription from your GP. I will write confirming my recommendation’
‘How long will it take before I am given an appointment?’
‘I’m not sure, it is a busy clinic, but as you live within easy travelling distance and can be quite flexible as to when you can attend, it may be possible for you to be placed on a list of patients who can fill in at short notice in the event of cancellations.’
‘Yes please, I should like that. Now that I have decided on my course of action, I want to get the ball rolling as soon as possible.’
‘I understand your wish, Clare, but we don’t want the ball rolling so fast that it cannot be stopped if need be.’
Oh yes we do,’ I thought to myself, but just smiled and said nothing.
I thanked her and left feeling really elated. I collected my coat. The receptionist smiled at me as I left and I smiled back. I guess she could see from my face that I’d got what I wanted. On the way out I stopped off at the ladies to give myself an opportunity to gather my thoughts and check on my makeup once again. I also rang both Suzanne and Debbie on my way home to tell them the good news. They both said how pleased they were for me. Debbie said that she would call round to the flat after work so I could give her a detailed account, as it might be difficult for me to discuss it in front of the others in the office.
Chapter 29
Andy again
Suzanne, Debbie and I spent the first half hour or so over dinner on Wednesday evening discussing the visit by Suzanne’s doctor and health visitor together with her rather bleak prognosis. Debbie and I were both in awe of the calm and controlled way in which she spoke of her situation and her imminent demise, as if it were the most natural topic of conversation to have over dinner. I think we both found it difficult to put in words our feelings of sympathy for her.
‘How can you accept the unfairness of it all, without getting angry and bitter?’ asked Debbie.
‘I have been aware of what is going to happen for more than two years now and have had plenty of time to be angry and bitter, but in the end it didn’t help. All it succeeded in doing was to alienate me from people who were trying to help. Meeting Tom last year, and then, more specifically getting to know Clare over the last few weeks has helped me come to terms with my situation.
I looked down, feeling embarrassed. All of my issues were as nothing compared with what she was facing. There was an awkward silence; at last Suzanne turned to me and said:
‘I’m getting fed up with this gruesome conversation. Let’s talk about something a little more cheerful. Clare, why not tell Debbie how you got on this afternoon?’
I did as she asked and related the full story of my own appointment, and the likely outcome and timetable.
‘You certainly don’t hang around once you’ve made up your mind,’ said Debbie. ‘It was only just over a month ago that we had to talk you in to spending the Christmas and New Year holidays as Clare; now you are planning to do so for the rest of your life. Are you sure that you know what you are doing?’
‘I know, but once I began to entertain the idea of spending the rest of my life as Clare it was as if the final piece in the jig-saw had been put in place. I have hardly thought of anything else since then, and the more I think about it the more convinced I am that it is right for me. In fact I feel quite guilty as my father and my good friend are both seriously ill, and yet I still spend most of my time thinking about myself and my future.’
‘It sounds as if your father is on the mend now, and worrying about me is going to make any difference to the outcome, so I would far rather that you thought carefully about what you are planning to do,’ said Suzanne.
‘But don’t you think that Clare might be rushing in to things?’ Debbie asked Suzanne.
‘I’m not going to make any specific recommendations to her as I will not be around to help pick up the pieces if anything goes wrong.’
Then, turning to me, she said ‘if you want my opinion, Clare, I suspect that what you are planning to do is the right thing for you. However, it must be your decision and you should go into it with your eyes open wide as to the difficulties and delays involved, and above all what you will inevitably have to give up in the process.’
‘I will have to satisfy all concerned that I have carefully thought through the implications and know exactly what I’m doing, before I am permitted to take any irrevocable steps,’ I said. ‘However the longer I leave it the more prolonged and difficult will be the task. I am already twenty and am conscious that my looks will soon become more masculine.’
‘You don’t look at all masculine at present,’ said Debbie. ‘That was one of the things I always noticed about Tom.’
‘It was one of the reasons why Tom was never successful as a young man. But inevitably my feminine looks will change unless I take some action. In fact I now wish that I’d faced up to the issue when I was sixteen.’
‘Were you aware of wanting to be a woman when you were sixteen?’ asked Suzanne.
‘No, not specifically, but I was just aware that things weren’t right for me as a man. Unfortunately I ignored those feelings hoping they would go away, whereas I should have discussed them with my parents or looked for counseling. I suppose I was lucky in being a late developer. The sad thing for many young people in my situation is that their body starts to change before their mind is fully mature. However, as far as I’m concerned I now know what I want and have never felt as confident about the rightness of a proposed course of action as I do now.’
‘In that case, all I can say is good luck to you,’ said Debbie.
‘Hear, hear,’ added Suzanne.
I thanked them both and we moved on to talking about other things — Debbie’s new relationship which seemed to be going quite well, and my own abortive one, which now seemed to be ancient history.
‘I’ve made discreet enquiries with a couple of Andy’s male friends, but neither of them knew exactly what is up with him. Apparently he gives everyone the impression of not being too happy with his life at present but doesn’t appear to want to take anybody in to his confidence,’ said Debbie.
‘Please don’t trouble any more on my account, Debbie, it sounds as if the whole thing is over now,’ I said, but was unable to disguise a note of sadness in my voice. ‘I’ve plenty of other things to worry about with my transition, keeping an eye on Suzanne and also my Dad’s plans to come and see me in a fortnight.’
‘Sometimes people don’t know what’s good for them,’ commented Suzanne.
I sighed, but had no particular wish to continue on this subject, so I attempted to change it.
‘My Dad is still adamant that he wants to come up to London the Monday after next, and has even bought the train ticket so there will be no change of mind.’
‘How is he doing now?’ asked Debbie.
‘He seems to be recovering quite rapidly after the scare he gave us and his friend is looking after him, but whether he is up to such a long round trip in a single day is a different matter.’
‘What does he want to come for?
‘I’m not sure what he wants: he already knows about Clare and the way I live and has seen me most days on MSN, but whatever it is appears to be important to him.’
‘In that case you’ll just have to wait and see,’ said Suzanne.
‘I’ll meet him off the train and bring him here for lunch so you can meet him, and he can see where I live now.’
‘Yes, I should like to meet him.’
Our informal dinner party broke up soon afterwards as both Debbie and I had to work the next day and Suzanne found that she soon became tired these days.
These days I was no longer concerned about being out in the street dressed as Clare, and although I quite often received admiring glances, I was confident that nobody was seeing me as anything other than a young woman. I was also quite happy when dealing with people who came to our office, or those I dealt with over the phone. I quite enjoyed flirting with the messengers, knowing that in all probability they would never have the confidence to ask me out. I now dealt with any phone calls that came in and had even spoken to some people at Head Office who had previously dealt with Tom. I once even found myself answering a question as to what had happened to the young man who used to do my job. My two elder colleagues also now seemed to accept me as one of their female colleagues and were happy to share conversations with me on subjects that they would never have discussed with Tom. In fact they hardly ever made reference to my past. It was as if all trace of my previous life had disappeared, which was really how I wanted it to be.
I was quite busy working in the office mid-morning on Friday when my mobile phone began to ring. I looked at the display and was most surprised to see that it was from Andy. I was in two minds about what to do. I really wanted to talk to him, but the last thing I wanted was to be told that he didn’t want to see me again, when I was in the office and in front of my colleagues. I was not yet taking female hormones, but was not sure whether or not I would be able to control my emotions, so I sent him a ‘busy’ signal. He again tried to contact me at lunch time but Helen was eating her sandwiches and reading a magazine at her desk, so once again I didn’t take the call, but rather sent him a text saying: ‘Busy 'til 3.30 can u ring me later?’ I toyed with the idea of adding the word ‘luv’ before signing it but in the end decided just to add ‘C’. A few minutes later he texted back, ‘OK will do,’ which succeeded in leaving me in a state of great emotional turmoil and unable to concentrate on my work for the remainder of the day.
I cleared my desk and said farewell to my colleagues promptly knowing that Andy might ring at any moment. I’d just left the office and was in the street when my telephone rang once again.
‘Hi Clare, its Andy.
‘I can see that from the caller display,’ I replied, trying my best to stay cool and not give anything away.
‘I’m sorry that I haven’t rung you before now.’
‘It has been nearly two weeks,’ I replied.
‘Yes I know. I needed to think about things.’
‘And?’
He sighed.
‘Can we meet up again for a coffee?’
‘Andy, if you have something to say to me you can say it now, over the phone’ I said, preparing myself for the worst.
‘No I can’t. At least give me half an hour of your time.’
I guess I owed him that for taking me all the way to Sunderland.
‘Alright, when do you want to meet?’
‘Now, if you like? Would you be able to meet me at that coffee bar near to St Paul’s on your way home?
‘What about your work?’
‘Not a problem, I can leave early; they owe me plenty of time.’
I’ll have to ring Suzanne to warn her that I’ll be late home, but I suppose I could be there in half an hour.’
‘Good! I’ll see you then.
I always took trouble over my appearance when I went in to work, but I found a ladies’ toilet in a shop nearby just to make sure that I looked alright, as any girl would have done when facing a difficult interview. I looked fine, but I tidied my hair, refreshed my lipstick and brushed some mascara through my lashes just to be on the safe side, and to give myself the opportunity to prepare for our meeting. As a result I was a few minutes later than I’d said. Andy was already sitting down at a table in a corner of the café, far away from the other customers. He was looking quite anxious as I came over and took a seat.
‘HI Clare, can I get you something to drink?’
‘Black coffee, please.’
He placed the order, and also one for himself and we waited whilst our drinks were delivered to our table. There was an awkward silence and I was determined not to be the first one to speak. I was also determined that whatever happened I was not going to cry. As soon as the waitress had left I looked at him expectantly.
‘Sorry I didn’t phone.’
‘As I said on the phone, it has been nearly a fortnight, but I guess that was up to you.’
‘I wanted to, but I didn’t know what to say.’
‘But now you do, so why don’t you go ahead and say it.’
‘Clare, I really like you ….’
He hesitated, looking for the right words.
‘I really like you but I cannot cope with who or what you are?’ I suggested.
‘I wouldn’t put it like that.’
‘OK then, how would you put it?’
‘It’s just that I thought we would just take things steadily and play it by ear, but then I started to get worried about the way in which my feelings for you were developing. Then we spent the night together and there was meeting your father who treated me as if I were your regular boyfriend.’
‘It was you who asked me out. I’m sorry the way things worked out; I wouldn’t have planned it that way. I had no idea my father would be taken ill just as we were about to go out with one another.’
‘I realise that but …’
‘But you are also frightened by the way you feel and what other people might think of you,’ I said finishing his sentence for him.
He blushed.
‘The first of those is certainly true. I feel in real danger of getting hurt by you.’
You’re in danger of getting hurt, what about me?’ I thought to myself but didn’t reply.
‘I don’t even know if there will still be a Clare in a few weeks’ time.’
‘Andy, I can assure you that once I’d told my Dad I’d gone beyond the point of no return. Tom is now dead. My friends, work colleagues and family all know that Clare is going to be here to stay. This week I have begun the process of formally changing my gender. In a week or two I hope to begin taking the female hormones that will change my body. I will also then change my name, and in time will apply for a Gender Recognition Certificate. It will inevitably be a prolonged process, but if you cannot deal with who I am and who I was whilst that is taking place, then it is better for us not to see one another, no matter how much we both might feel for the other.’
‘You look, sound and act so like a woman and I feel really attracted to you,’ he said.
As he did so his hand gently touched my own. I would like to have left my hand touching his but instead found myself gently withdrawing it. I was amazed at how calmly I was reacting although my feelings were in utter turmoil.
‘Andy, why don’t you admit that you are worried that I’m still physically a man, no matter how I feel inside?’ I said quietly so that there was no danger that we might be overheard.
‘It felt so good when we were in bed together on Sunday morning.’
‘It did so for me as well, but if you can’t come to terms with who I am then there can be no future for us.’
‘Can’t we at least remain friends with one another?’
I smiled.
‘What and go to the pub or a football match together? It would never work. Andy, I want to become a real woman, not half of one. If I have a boyfriend I want us to have a real relationship together. Maybe I’m expecting too much at this stage in my transition, but that’s the way I feel. If I can’t have that then I have plenty of female friends.’
This last point was something of an exaggeration, but he wasn’t to know. He didn’t answer and our conversation seemed to be going nowhere, so I decided to take a stand.
‘Look Andy, I shall not be going anywhere, so if you wish to renew our relationship you know where I am and how to get hold of me. But I won’t wait forever and if a better offer comes along in the meanwhile I intend to take it,’ I said picking up my handbag and leaving my coffee untouched.
I didn’t look back to see how he reacted to what I just said, but made my way to St Paul’s tube station. It wasn’t until I was on the train going home that I wondered whether or not I’d done the right thing
I told Suzanne about my meeting with Andy once I reached the flat and asked her what she thought.
‘If he can’t accept you for whom you are, then you are better off without him,’ she said.
‘I know that, but it is difficult for guys. They are brought up to bury their feelings and emotions and just live according to this macho code that someone somewhere has determined should be the way all men should live. It was hard enough for me to come to terms with my wanting to live as a woman; although I’d always known that I wasn’t happy living as a man.’
‘In that case all you can do is to give him a little time to come to his senses, but in the meanwhile you should get on with your own life.’
‘Yes, I intend to do that,’ I replied.
I was learning fast; men may be the physically stronger but it is women who usually hold the power in any relationship. Life as a woman was more complex than that of a man, but was also far more interesting.
Chapter 30 - A second appointment
The last few days of January and the beginning of February are a bleak period at the best of times. The weather is often cold and miserable and the hours of daylight are short. The prospect of spring still seems some time away. It is a time when memories of the Christmas and New Year celebrations begin to fade, but the expenditure incurred during the process has not been settled. But for my flat mate the spring of 2007 was going to be nothing to look forward to. No matter how much she tried to disguise the fact and act as if she didn’t care, Suzanne was depressed about her grim prospects and the fact that she now had to rely upon me for so many everyday tasks that she would have been able to manage on her own only a few weeks beforehand. For my part, I often didn’t know what to say or do to try and make things any easier for her, and was reminded of how helpless my Dad had seemed when they both knew that Mum was dying.
At least now that I was living as Clare I could show my emotions in a way that would not have been ’permissible’ for Tom to do. There were a few occasions when we simply hugged one another and cried. Suzanne even thanked me after the first time this happened, saying that the release of pent up emotion had made her feel better. Thereafter our relationship seemed to enter a new phase. Whereas up to that point she had been the dominant personality, deciding what we would do, I found myself imperceptibly taking over the role of the ‘parent’. We became much closer both physically and emotionally, rather like a mother looking after her sick child. I would often sit next to her stroking her hair and would always make a point of kissing her good night or when I left to go to work.
There was also the matter of Andy which I still had to come to terms with in my own mind but didn’t feel that I wanted to discuss it with anyone else. I had no second thoughts or regrets about what I’d said to him or how I'd walked away. Yet I also felt sad because I believed him when he said that he really liked me. But that was no good to him or me if he was unable to come to terms with my transgendered status. Would this always happen to me, every time I found somebody that I really liked? I realised that no matter how far I took my change of gender I would never be a woman in the true physical sense, but I had hoped that I might one day be accepted into the gender role which I now realised had always been occupied by my mind.
The only person of my acquaintance who remained at all cheerful during this time was Debbie, who was clearly enjoying her social life, and so she was a welcome dinner guest a couple of evenings each week who served to cheer up both Suzanne and myself. Dad continued to do well and so my internet contacts became less frequent, and our conversations less prolonged. On those occasions when I did ring I often found myself rather chatting with Vera, who seemed perfectly happy to accept me as a surrogate step daughter.
On Wednesday of that week I received a letter from the Charing Cross Gender Identity Clinic offering me an appointment, together with a patient information leaflet describing their services and what I could expect. I was a little disappointed that it was not going to be until the third week of February before they could see me, and the leaflet made it clear that I shouldn’t expect any decision or prescription after the first appointment. I suppose I was relieved that ‘things’ were at last beginning to move in the right direction, albeit rather slowly. By that time I would be nearly twenty-one and I felt that my youth was beginning to slip away from me. I’d also hoped that I’d be able to give Dad some concrete information about a timetable for my transition when he came up to visit me the following week, but instead I would have to be satisfied with merely telling him about my forthcoming appointment.
However, the following day I was busy at work when an unknown caller rang my mobile number. I fished it out of my handbag to answer.
‘Hello?’ I answered, without identifying myself.
‘Good morning, may I speak to Clare Simpson please?’
‘This is Clare Simpson speaking.’
‘Hello Ms. Simpson this is the Coordinator’s Office at the Gender Identity Clinic. I note you are scheduled to see Dr. Roberts on the 20th of this month. We have just had a last minute cancellation, would it be possible for you to come in tomorrow morning at 11.00 am instead? It will be a one-hour appointment.’
‘Oh,’ I said, both pleased and surprised by the offer. ‘I hope so, but I’d just like to go away and check with my manager and ring you back in ten minutes if I may?’
‘Alright, but please don’t leave it any longer or I’ll have to offer the appointment to another patient.’
I put down my phone and went straight over to Karen’s desk.
‘Karen, may I have a quick personal chat with you please?’
We went into the meeting room together and I closed the door.
‘Karen, I’ve just been given a really important hospital appointment at 11 o’clock tomorrow morning, but I’ve already had my day off this week, and I won’t be able to swap for next Monday as my Dad is coming up to town. Is there any chance that I can make up the time later?’
She could see from my manner and tone of voice that this was important to me.
‘Of course, if it is urgent you must go, Clare, but I trust there is nothing seriously wrong?’
There was no longer any point in keeping my intentions secret from her, especially as I might need her co-operation at a later date as well.
‘It is not serious in a medical sense, but it is really important to me. I’ve been offered a cancelled appointment at the Gender Identity Clinic and hope to begin my permanent transition to Clare as soon as possible. If I don’t go tomorrow, I’ll have to wait several weeks before I get another appointment.’
‘Does that mean you will be having a sex-change operation?’
‘It could do, but that would be some time away. It is more about helping me to live successfully as a woman and obtaining the female hormones that will prevent me from turning into a man.’
Karen was clearly surprised by the news, but not horrified or appalled.
‘In that case of course you must go and do whatever you need to.’
‘What about making up the hours that I miss?’
‘If you have the time you could call in at the office after your appointment to make up some of the hours and also repay us gradually over the next week. But don’t worry! I’ll cover for you if anyone wants to know where you are or what you are doing.’
‘Thanks so much Karen,’ I said excitedly. ‘I promise to make up the time as soon as I can.
I went back to my desk and proceeded to ring the clinic and confirm my attendance the next day. I was so excited by the prospect that there was no way I could keep my news a secret from Debbie and Helen who were also both in the office. Thus the rest of the morning was spent answering questions from all three of my colleagues about the clinic, about the process of gender transition and my hopes and ambitions to get a Gender Recognition Certificate making me legally a woman as soon I had been living as Clare for two years. I would then be able to get a new birth certificate as a female as well.
I also rang Suzanne at lunch time to tell her the good news.
‘That’s great Clare; I’m really pleased for you, and hope everything goes well for you tomorrow. I should like to see things settled for you before I die.’
As for my previous appointment with Dr. Underwood at Southall, I dressed myself with particular care and discretion the next morning, wearing a smart dark red skirt suit, and a pink blouse. As the weather was forecast to be cold and wet I also wore the winter coat that Suzanne had given to me and long medium heeled boots. I put on just enough makeup and jewelry to show that I’d gone to the trouble to look nice, but without going over the top. In fact I did everything I could to convey the impression of being an intelligent, thoughtful and attractive young lady, who was completely comfortable in her newly chosen gender.
‘What do you think?’ I asked Suzanne as I was about to leave.’
‘You look lovely my dear. If it was up to me, I’d let you have the hormones straight away and I’d sign you up for a boob job and the other operation next week.’
‘If only it were that easy,’ I said laughing, as I left the flat and then made my way to the underground station.
The clinic was in the Fulham Road, not far from Hammersmith underground station and so was a relatively straightforward journey for me. I arrived with plenty of time to spare, and was forced to do some window shopping to kill some time, although my mind was rather pre-occupied with my forthcoming appointment. When I did eventually arrive the receptionist was polite and friendly, making me feel at home as I nervously waited for my appointment. I’m sure she’d seen it all before. At last I was called in to see Dr. Roberts.
‘Good morning, Miss Simpson, please come in and sit down.’
He was in his late forties, quite distinguished looking and beginning to go grey. We shook hands and I was glad that I was wearing a fairly subdued colour of nail varnish which matched my suit.
‘Thank you Doctor, and please call me Clare.’
He smiled but didn’t return the same invitation to me. I guess they like to preserve some level of formality between Doctor and Patient.
‘Alright, Clare, I’ve read the detailed reports from both your GP and Dr. Underwood, but I should now like to hear from you. I should like you to regard today’s appointment not as an ‘interview’ or a ‘test’ but rather as an opportunity for you to talk with a sympathetic clinician about your experiences and needs to help us decide how best to move forward.’
‘I’m not sure what else I can tell you other than that I have never felt comfortable in the male gender, although for most of my childhood years I didn’t really know why. However, ever since I’ve been living as Clare, I’ve felt as though it was who I was meant to be. I felt more comfortable and at ease with myself. The more time that I spend living as a woman, the more sure I am that it is right for me. As to my needs, I don’t think I could ever now go back to my previous life, and I hope you will be able to help me live successfully as a woman.’
‘Both of the reports on you have commented about how well you appear to have fitted in to the female gender role already.’
‘Thank you Doctor,’ I said blushing slightly, ‘but I feel as if I’ve barely made a start on my journey to become a woman. I should really like to begin taking female hormones so that can I feel more like a woman and in future won’t have to rely on this padding all the time. Eventually I want to be able to be legally recognized as a woman, and perhaps one day to have a full physical relationship with a man.’
‘The clinic does offer hormone therapy funded by the National Health Service, but we will first need to satisfy ourselves regarding a number of questions to make sure that it is the right treatment both mentally and physically for you. Also you will need to have completed at least two of these one hour Assessment interviews before we consider it.’
‘Alright, I’ll do my best to answer your questions as fully and as honestly as I’m able.
‘I’ll be your lead clinician who will act as your primary carer throughout the time that you use our services, although I may also refer you to other specialist colleagues such as a psychiatrist, endocrinologist or speech therapist. In due course, if all goes well, I would also be in a position to carry out an assessment of you for a Gender Recognition Panel. Unfortunately the NHS does not provide for these reports so you will need to enter into a private arrangement but you will need to have been living as a woman for nearly two years before we need to worry about that.’
I nodded in acknowledgment and he continued to talk.
‘We may ultimately refer you for surgery to remove your penis and create a vagina and possibly you may also require breast augmentation, but we will only consider this after you have been on hormone therapy for some time. You should also realise that there is a waiting list of patients requiring such operations.’
‘Yes I understand Doctor, I have read the notes for patients.’
‘Good, so now let us begin.’
The next fifty minutes or so were spent going over much of the same ground as Dr. Underwood, although in more detail. He spent some time asking about my childhood and my relationship with my parents. I kept thinking to myself that I’d said all this before, although not, of course, to Dr Roberts. His questioning was quite probing but not aggressive. I did my utmost to remain calm, cheerful and thoughtful, when answering his questions although all the time I was feeling pretty nervous. I explained about my mother’s death and was pleased to be able to say that I’d recently visited Dad as Clare, and that he would be visiting me the following week. This seemed to go down quite well with him. I spoke about my work and the fact that my colleagues were now very happy to work with me as Clare rather than Tom. This also seemed to count in my favour. I went on to explain about my relationship with Suzanne and how I’d come to be living as woman in her flat, although I said nothing about who the original Clare Simpson had been. He didn’t ask about my new name, but just accepted that I would wish to change it as I changed my gender.
During the course of our discussion I observed that I seemed to have more friends and a more interesting life as Clare than ever I’d had as Tom. This led him to ask about boyfriends. I explained that I considered myself to be a heterosexual woman and that I’d once gone out for a drink with a guy, but I had been completely open about my physical status, and so it had come to nothing. He asked me what I thought about that, and I said truthfully that I was a little sad but accepted that it would be one factor that I would have to bear in mind with my transgendered status. He also wanted to know whether I’d so far experienced any other difficulties with living as a woman, and I assured him that I had not. I’d never been challenged or subjected to abuse or harassment. In fact, if anything people had been more polite and friendly to me since I’d started dressing as Clare.
‘Yes I can see for myself that you will have relatively few problems with your appearance and in your general presentation as a female. You are more fortunate in this respect than many of our patients.’
‘Thank you doctor,’ I said taking it as a compliment rather than an observation.
He smiled, then finished then put down his pen and note book .
‘Alright then Clare, I think that will probably be enough for today,
I felt quite relieved.
‘I think we have made good progress but I should like to see you again before we discuss any courses of action.’
I’d realised that this was the probable outcome of today’s meeting, although I’d half hoped that they might take on look at me and abandon all their usual procedures and go ahead and prescribe the oestrogen.
‘Yes, of course Doctor,’ I said trying not to sound disappointed.
‘So when shall we meet again?’ he said, consulting his desk diary.
‘As soon as possible, please,’ I replied.
He smiled.
‘I can offer you an appointment at the same time three weeks from today?’
I accepted and he made a note in his diary, but he could see from my reaction that I was a little disappointed by the delay.
‘If you like I’ll also ask my secretary to get in touch with you should there are any other cancellations.’
‘Yes please. I’m sure I could arrange to come in any time apart from next Monday when my father is coming to see me for the day.’
I thanked him again, and I left the office feeling that, all told, things hadn’t gone too badly for me.
I hurried back to work and arrived by 1.00pm so that I’d made up most of my hours by the time I eventually made my way home. Inevitably, though I had to recount the events of the morning to my three colleagues, and also Suzanne when she phoned in to find out how I’d got on.
‘So it sounds as if Clare is now here to stay,’ said Helen.
‘Absolutely, I would rather kill myself than ever go back to living as Tom,’ I replied.
I noticed that Karen and Helen exchanged significant glances with one another, but they didn’t say anything. Debbie didn’t seem at all surprised by my reaction.
‘I don’t think that that will prove to be necessary, young lady,’ she said.
Chapter 31 - Mum’s letter
I was at Kings Cross station on Monday morning with twenty minutes to spare before the arrival of Dad’s train from Newcastle upon Tyne. I therefore wasted forty pence just to go to the ladies toilet to check on my hair and makeup. They were both fine, as I knew that they would be, just as my outfit had been given the seal of approval by Suzanne that morning. I suppose it gave me something to do whilst I waited for his arrival. There were two thoughts going through my mind: why he had been so accepting of my new life, and what was it that he wanted to tell me urgently? Why hadn’t he tried to talk me out of my decision to live as Clare; ordered me to ‘pull myself together’ and even perhaps ‘take a cold bath’? After all, I was his only child and his only chance of ever becoming a grandfather and I was now planning to throw this away. I’d assumed that he’d been too ill to argue on the first occasion he met me as Clare, and that the arguments and recriminations might come later as he regained his strength. Yet we had spoken together on MSN several times since then and this had not been the case. He had simply accepted that whereas he once had a son, he now had a daughter. To judge from many of the transgender stories that I now read on an Internet story site, this was not the way it usually worked. Fathers were supposed to get angry, perhaps even violent, or feel demeaned in some way if their sons chose to reject their masculinity.
Then there was the matter of just what it was that was so important that he would subject himself to two three and three quarter hour train journeys just to come and see me in London for the day, in early February. I’d asked Vera if she knew what it was all about earlier that morning, when she’d phoned me to confirm that she’d just taken him to the station and that he’d caught his train.
‘Sorry pet, he didn’t say. I got the impression it was something to do with your mam and his former marriage and so I didn’t like to pry. He asked me to drive him over to his house yesterday so he could collect something that he was intending to take to you, but that is all I know.’
‘It is all rather mysterious. I just hope he doesn’t catch cold or tire himself out with the journey,’ I replied.
‘Yes, I know; men can be really stubborn at times,’ she commented and I had to agree.
I loved the way that from the day that I’d first explained to her about Clare, Vera had accepted me as a young woman and I suspected that this had helped my father come to terms with the situation. Vera could never replace my mother but all the same I felt she appeared to be a good influence on Dad.
‘Thanks so much for looking after him since he came out of hospital, Vera.’
‘Think nothing of it pet.’
I looked at my watch; it was almost 11.45 so I made my way to end of the platform where his train was due to arrive, just as it was pulling in to the station. A crowd of passengers soon began to alight and I watched carefully for any sign of Dad as they streamed past me. At last I caught sight of him walking slowly, carrying a small briefcase. Mum and Dad had left it quite late to get married and then it had taken them some time for her to fall pregnant with the result that there was a forty year age gap between us. Even so, he appeared to have aged an awful lot over the last two years. No doubt this was partly due to the trauma surrounding Mum’s illness and death and then, more recently, with his own health problems. He was no longer the vigorous middle-aged man that had brought me up.
I waved and then walked up to meet him half way.
‘Hi Dad,’ I said, kissing him on the cheek. ‘How was your journey?’
The kiss was something that Tom would never have done to his father.
‘Hello, kidda. It was fine thanks.’
He stopped to take a good look at me.
‘You know you make a canny looking lass.’
I blushed.
‘I do my best,’ I said taking him by the arm.
’So far so good,’ I thought to myself.
‘Let’s go find ourselves a taxi.’
‘You don’t want to be wasting good money on taxis in London, why can’t we take a tube train?’
This was the Dad I knew and loved, but he did have a point. A taxi from Kings Cross to Notting Hill Gate would be much more expensive and would also take quite a bit more time over the journey than simply hopping on to the Victoria Line and changing to the Central Line at Oxford Circus.
‘Alright then, I suppose it is only a five minute walk for us at the other end and it seems to have stopped raining.’
‘So where are we going, hinny?’
‘We shall be having some lunch at my flat, with my friend Suzanne. I’ve prepared us all a casserole and it has been in the slow cooker since 7.00am.’
‘That sounds fine to me, lass, but I do need to have a private talk with you.’
‘Don’t you worry, Suzanne has promised to leave us on our own after lunch, so we can have a talk. She will probably go to sleep. By the way what time is your train back?’
‘Five thirty’.
‘That should give us plenty of time to talk.’
Our tube train journey was spent checking up about the state of his health, asking about how things were progressing between him and Vera, and then explaining about my own domestic and work situation. He made no further comment that I was currently living and working as a woman. In fact there was no reference to Tom or to the fact that he had once had a son. This suited me for the time being, but I knew that there must soon come a time when the matter had to be addressed.
Our meal went quite well. Suzanne did her best to join in the conversation and be cheerful but even eating meals in company was becoming more of a struggle for her these days. Eventually I cleared the table, loaded the dishwasher, and then helped her back to her room for an afternoon sleep.
‘Alright Dad, I think we can both talk in private now. I know you are anxious to discuss something with me, but there is also something important that I need to tell you, and if you don’t mind I’d like to get that out of the way first.’
‘Go ahead lass.’
‘I think you should know that I had an appointment at a Gender Identity Clinic last week. Do you know what that is?’
‘Yes I do, he answered in a matter-of-fact way.
This came as a slight surprise to me, but I carried on without registering the fact.
‘I believe they will soon begin to prescribe a course of oestrogen for me. Once that happens there will be no going back to being Tom.’
I waited for the explosion of anger — there was none. Instead he spoke in quiet, measured tones.
‘You are sure that is the right thing for you to do?’
‘Yes Dad, I’m quite sure.’
He sighed.
‘In that case, all I can do is accept your decision, wish you luck and offer both you and your late mother a sincere apology.’
‘Why is that? What has this got to do with Mum?’
‘We both realised that you were not happy with your life as a youngster, and there was something troubling your mind. I suspected that you might be wondering if you were gay as you never seemed to have any special girlfriend. Your mother wondered whether your issues went even deeper and related to what she called your gender identity. She did a certain amount of research on both topics so that she would be able help you to come to terms with who you really are, when and if you eventually decided to ‘come out of the closet.’ However, she became seriously ill, herself, and for a while your problems were rather overlooked by the whole family. Once we realised that her condition was going to be terminal she wanted so much to talk to you about your future before she died. I was frightened that if she did so, it might put ideas in to your head, and that you might grow out of whatever feelings you may have had. I’m afraid that I talked her out of speaking to you on the subject, and am now bitterly regretting having done so.’
‘But you were not to know that I would one day discover that I was transgendered. I didn’t even know myself at the time.’
‘Yes, but we both knew that you were very unhappy, and were perhaps unwilling to face up to your own feelings. I’m now sorry that I deprived you of the opportunity of having your mother’s advice and support before she died.’
‘It would have been nice to have known that she understood and that I would always have her support no matter what I decided to do, or how I lived my life,’ I said.
There was an awkward silence for a few moments, before my father continued talking.
‘Shortly before her death, your mother managed to type two letters to you on her computer and I arranged for them to be printed out. One letter was written to you in the event that you would one day admit to me that you were gay and the other one if you should admit that you were transgendered. I promised that I would keep both letters a secret until one or other of them should be needed to pass on to you, and then destroy the other one. I have followed her instructions, and so here is the last letter written to you by your mother.’
He handed me a sealed envelope from out of his briefcase. I immediately recognised my mother’s handwriting on the outside: ‘To Tom, or whatever name you now use.’ I opened it and began to read.
14 May 2005
My dear child,
If you are reading this letter then it probably means that my long-held suspicions about you were justified and that you have not been happy living in the male gender. It is not easy for me to accept the fact that the body that your Dad and I provided for you does not correspond with the mind that is inside it, but the most important thing is for you to live a happy and fulfilled life. If that means that you have now decided to live your life as a woman, and will one day undergo surgery, then you must go ahead and do what is right for you. I am only sorry that I will not be around to offer you my support and to discover what a fine young woman you will undoubtedly become.
Your Dad has persuaded me not to discuss this matter with you before I die. In return, I have made him promise that he will learn all about your transgendered condition and do his best to accept you as the daughter that perhaps you should have been in the first place. He is a good man, and I am sure that he will keep his side of the bargain. It will be difficult for him after I die, and I hope that one day he will again find companionship. In the meanwhile I hope you will also do your best to help him come to terms with my loss and your new life.
As you know, I never wore much jewelry, but there are a few items left to me by my mother which I should now like you to have. I hope you will remember me when you wear them. I have asked your father to give them to you when he hands over this letter.
Your Dad and I were always proud of you as our son, but I am sure we would have been just as proud of you as our daughter. Keep well, and look after one another.
With much love,
Mum.
I read the letter two or three times before the contents fully registered.
‘Oh Dad, if only I’d known,’ I said dissolving into tears.
‘If only we’d all spoken about our feelings a little more,’ he said putting his arm round my shoulders to comfort me.
‘I would have so liked Mum to meet me as Clare, but I didn’t know what I wanted for myself, when she was ill. I only know that I didn’t want her to die.’
‘I know, Clare, but I am sure she would be happy if you and I can now make up for lost time.’
‘That’s the first time you’ve actually called me by my new name,’ I said, sniffing.’
‘It’s a nice name and suits you.’
My father reached in to his briefcase and handed me a dark blue jewelry case, and a brown box for a ring.
‘Your Ma wanted you to have these as well.’
I took them without saying anything and opened each in turn. The first contained a lovely sapphire necklace, with matching earrings, and the second contained a diamond engagement ring. I slowly put on each item in turn, first removing my existing earrings. Then, suddenly it all seemed too much for me, and I was overcome by the emotion and I began to sob. Geordie men are not renowned for showing their emotion, but Dad did his best to comfort me.
Once we had both recovered our composure Dad and I stayed chatting together about the past, the present and the future for the next hour or so. Time passed very quickly and before I knew it, Suzanne’s clock was showing four and it was time for us to think about him getting back to the station in time for his train.
‘You would be welcome to stay here in my bed tonight, if you like; I could sleep on the couch.
‘No thanks, Clare, I would not be able to change the ticket I’d booked and in any event I’d prefer to return to Sunderland tonight.’
‘Alright then, I’ll just have a look to see whether Suzanne is awake, so you can say goodbye to her.’
In fact Suzanne was still deeply asleep so we decided to leave her in peace and made our way back to Kings Cross.
On the way Dad told me that he would be moving back to his own home the following day as he was now fully recovered and no longer needed to attend the hospital as an out-patient.
‘I hope you stay friends with Vera though, I think she’s a good influence on you and I get on well with her.’
‘Don’t you worry about that, hinny; we have plenty of plans to go out together come the spring. Now you tell me some more about this appointment you had at the Gender clinic.’
I went through the story of my first assessment appointment and then explained that I was waiting for a second appointment in the next week or two. I reminded him that once I’d satisfied them that I was truly suffering from gender dysphoria and it was not just a passing whim on my part they would probably begin to prescribe me with the medication I needed for my permanent transition.
‘Would it help if I rang to say that your mother and I were behind you in your decision?’ he asked.
I smiled at the idea.
‘No I don’t think so, thanks. I’m an adult now and responsible for my own life, but I may just show them Mum’s letter to me at my next appointment.’
We waited for his train to be made ready and I saw him on board.
‘I’m so glad that you came today, Dad, and gave me that letter from Mum. Please don’t feel that anything in the past was your fault, it was just the way things happened.’
‘I’m glad that I came too, Clare. Good luck with your new life.’
I kissed him one more time and then left without looking back in case I became tearful once again.
The visit had been emotionally exhausting for me but it had been an important milestone in my relations with both my parents.
By the time I made my way back to our flat it was the height of the afternoon rush hour and so I had to stand all the way with my nose pressed against some guy’s armpit as we both held on the flexible overhead handles, to stop ourselves from falling over. I let myself in to the flat calling out to Suzanne as I entered the front door. There was no reply, so I assumed she was still sleeping. I took off my coat and boots, and put on some slippers and noticed that it was 6.30 pm. We would both soon need an evening meal but decided to make us both a cup of tea first. Five minutes later I took the tea to my flat mate only to find that her bed was empty.
‘Suzanne, where are you?’ I called out in alarm.
There was a muffled sound coming from inside the toilet. I tried the door, which was not locked, but I could only open it an inch or two. This was just enough for me to see that my flat mate had collapsed on the toilet and was lying on the floor, preventing me from getting in.
‘Suzanne, are you all right? What has happened?’ I asked.
A slurred voice responded.
‘Remember that you promised me that you would not call an ambulance.’
Chapter 32 - Debbie calls in the cavalry
As soon as I’d realised what had happened to Suzanne I telephoned the district nurse.
‘It’s Clare, ringing about Suzanne Fisher; she seems to have collapsed in the toilet. I can’t get in to help her and she says she doesn’t want me to call an ambulance.’
‘Is she conscious then?’
‘Only half conscious, her speech is slurred and I don’t think she can move.’
‘Leave her where she is, I’ll be with you in ten minutes. I’ll also call the doctor.’
As soon as I finished the call I rang Debbie.
‘Is there any chance that you could come over as soon as possible? Suzanne has collapsed and it looks quite bad. She’s trapped in the toilet and I can’t get to her.’
‘Oh Clare, I’m so sorry. Of course I’ll come, but I’m on the other side of London so it is going to take me at least an hour to get to you.’
‘Thanks Debbie, any help would be really welcome.’
I tried to talk to Suzanne, assuring her that help was on its way and that we would soon have her back in her bed, but wasn’t sure how much she understood. It seemed like ages before the nurse arrived, although it was probably not much more than the promised ten minutes. She took one look at the situation and tried to talk to Suzanne, only receiving a mumbled response.
‘This is serious. She may have had a stroke. I think we’re going to have to call an ambulance.’
‘Suzanne was adamant that she does not want an ambulance, and does not want to leave the flat; it was the last thing that she said to me.’
‘I know, I’ll wait to see what the doctor says but we’re going to need to get her out of there as soon as possible.’
A few minutes later the intercom buzzer went, I pressed the entry button to the block without even checking who it was and then opened our flat door. Andy appeared at the door.
‘Debbie has just contacted me, and I came straight over. Can I be of any help?’
I invited him in.
‘My flat mate has collapsed and fallen behind the toilet door and we can’t get in to help her.’
He seemed to size-up the situation.
‘These internal doors are hollow and usually pretty flimsy. I could try and break through it if you wish.’
‘Alright, but please make sure that you don’t injure her further in the process,’ said the nurse.
‘I’ll be careful. Do you have any tools, Clare?’
‘There are a few in a box underneath the sink.’
I showed him where to find them and he armed himself with a large screwdriver and claw hammer. He shut the door on the latch and proceeded to punch a series of holes through the top half of the door until he was able to insert the hammer claw and begin to rip off pieces of the hardboard covering. By the time the doctor arrived there was a sufficiently large hole for a relatively small person to be able to crawl through.
‘Clare, you’re the smallest here, could we lift you through the hole? Then you might be able to pull Suzanne out of the way of the door.’
‘Alright, but let me take off this skirt first,’ I replied, and hurriedly found myself a pair of jeans.
Andy and the doctor gently lifted me up and eased me through the hole in the door, feet first, until I was standing on the edge of the toilet pan. I was then able to get down to the floor and carefully ease Suzanne out of the way of the door, so that Andy could get in, and I could get out of his way. Following instructions from the doctor, Andy gently picked her up carried her through to her bedroom laying her on the bed. The doctor and the nurse proceeded to examine her, whilst I waited at her bedside and they carried out their various tests.
At last the doctor turned to me and said: ‘I’m afraid your friend has had a stroke. She may recover some consciousness, but I’m afraid it’s a symptom of her underlying condition. It will be only a matter of time before she has another one.’
‘How long does she have left doctor?’
‘I cannot say for certain; it could be a matter of hours, or of weeks. I suspect that a few days is the most likely prognosis. I’m afraid she is going to need full-time nursing from now onwards. I could arrange for her to be admitted to hospital, but, to be honest, there isn’t a lot that anyone will be able to do for her now other than make her comfortable, and I understand she has expressed a wish to remain at home.’
‘Neither she nor I want her to go to hospital. I've promised to look after her for as long as she needs my help.’
At this point Debbie came in to the bedroom, having been let in to the flat by Andy.
‘Suzanne has had a stroke, I’m afraid she doesn’t have much longer to live,’ I said beginning to sob.
Debbie took me in her arms: ‘I’m so sorry Clare.’
‘I’m going to have to stay home and look after her now. Will you explain the situation at work tomorrow?’
‘Now don’t worry about work. I’ll tell Karen in the morning.’
Now that Suzanne was back in her bed and her condition had stabilized, the doctor and nurse began to get ready to leave us, promising us that one of them would call in the following morning.
‘Would you like me to stay with you tonight?’ asked Debbie.
‘Yes please, but what about your work clothes in the morning?’
‘Perhaps you could loan me something of yours to wear.’
With all the fuss centred around Suzanne’s bedside, I’d rather lost track of Andy, who had quietly withdrawn from the bedroom, cleared up the mess that both he and Suzanne had made in the toilet and had even found a piece of cardboard to nail over the hole in the door, so that anyone using it would at least have some privacy. He’d also let himself out of the flat at the same time that he admitted Debbie. I felt truly sorry that I’d not had the opportunity to thank him for his help before he left, but decided that I’d ring him to do so as soon as I got an opportunity.
Debbie slept in my bed, and I slept on some cushions in Suzanne’s room, just in case her condition should change for the worse. In the event it did not do so. It was not particularly late when we went to bed but I was in a state of both mental and physical exhaustion after my day with Dad and then finding Suzanne, so was able to fall asleep quite quickly. Debbie woke me with some breakfast at 7.30 the following morning, and after checking on Suzanne, I found her some of my clothes to wear to the office. She had to leave for work, just as the District Nurse arrived to check on the patient. Suzanne was still drifting in and out of consciousness, but I think she was aware of where she was and recognized me. Together the nurse and I helped her to have something to drink and I tried to get her to take something more solid but without much success. There was not a lot more that the nurse could do so she left me with the instruction to ring her if there were any further developments and the promise that either she or the doctor would call in the next day. By ten o’clock I found myself alone with Suzanne, but she was now sleeping and so I was inevitably lost in my own thoughts.
The knowledge of my acceptance as a transgendered woman by both my parents — the living and the dead — had been a comfort to me, although it was also tinged with sadness and a little regret about what might have been if my mother had been permitted to talk with me on this subject before she died. This revelation had been followed, almost immediately afterwards by the collapse of my dear friend. I’d known that Suzanne was dying for several weeks, and thought that I was prepared for the worst. Yet to find her in that state had been a profound shock to me. I knew now that she would never recover, but hoped there would at least be the opportunity for me to say farewell and tell her how much she had meant to me over the last few weeks. Then, to complicate matters even further, there was the arrival of Andy, just when we had needed him. If only he had stayed a little bit longer to give me the opportunity of expressing my thanks.
I was roused from my thoughts by the sound of the intercom buzzer.
‘Hello!’
‘Hi Clare, it’s Andy; I’ve come to fix your door.’
I suddenly became conscious that I’d not put on any makeup that morning and certainly looked a total mess, but I couldn’t very well keep him waiting outside. I let him in together with the brand new internal door that he'd brought. He could see my look of surprise.
‘Well I thought I’d better fix it as I’d punched a hole in the other one. I took the measurements last night and have been out to collect a replacement this morning.’
‘But what about your work?’
‘I think I’ve made enough money for the company in the last few weeks. It is high time that I took some time off and did something a little more worthwhile,’ he said in an off-hand way.
(It would be another eighteen months before the bank for which he worked went bust, but that’s another story.)
‘How is Suzanne this morning?’ he asked.
‘Not good, I’m afraid.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Yes, thanks.’
There was an awkward silence between us.
‘Andy, I’m not sure what we would have done without your help last night. Thank you so much, for everything,’ I said.
He blushed and looked at the floor.
‘Well …’
He’d been about to say something, but then appeared to change his mind and the subject.
‘I’ve brought some tools with me in the car. I’ll just put this door down here and go and get them.’
Andy spent the remainder of the morning removing what was left of the old toilet door and replacing it with another one, whilst I continued to check on Suzanne, dealt with various telephone calls from Debbie, Karen and my father and also surreptitiously smartened myself up a little. He did a surprising good carpentry job, for an investment banker, and even cleaned up after himself, taking the old door out to the rubbish skip. I offered to repay the costs of the new door but he wouldn’t hear of it, so the least I could do was to offer him some lunch. We sat down together a little awkwardly, neither of us knowing quite what to say. I was half hoping he might make some reference to our last meeting or our trip to Sunderland, but he seemed unwilling or unable to do so. In the end, it was a relief when my mobile phone rang again. I answered assuming that it would be Debbie once again. It wasn’t; it was the Charing Cross Clinic.
‘Hello Ms Simpson, Dr. Roberts asked me to contact you if we had any last minute cancellations. Would you be able to come in for your second assessment interview at ten o’clock on Friday of this week?’
‘I’m terribly sorry, but I can’t do so; my housemate has just been taken seriously ill and I’ll have to stay with her. I’m not even sure that I’ll be able to make my original appointment in three weeks’ time.’
I was about to finish the call, when Andy touched my hand to attract my attention, signaling that he wanted to say something, and that I should ask my caller to hold for a moment. I did as he said.
‘If you have a hospital appointment, I could always stand in here for you.’
‘I’d be away for at least two and a half hours, possibly longer.’
‘No problem, I’ll take another day off work. I have plenty of leave owing to me.’
I hesitated, not knowing what to do for the best.
‘Just accept the offered appointment before it is given to someone else.’
He seemed quite genuine and persistent in his offer so I went back on the line and confirmed that I would be attending the clinic, noting the new date and time.
‘Thank you very much, Andy, that’s very kind of you.’
‘No problem! What time should I come round on Friday?’
‘Nine o’clock, please.’
‘Nothing serious, I hope.’
‘Pardon?’
‘Your hospital appointment.’
‘It was the Gender Identity Clinic, I’m beginning my permanent transition to a woman.’
‘Oh!’
He might have said something, or at least offered me good luck!’ I thought. ’He seems to give out such conflicting signals.’
By this time we’d both finished our meal. I cleared the table and he began to pick up his tools and got ready to leave. Once again there was an awkward silence. I really wanted to kiss him, but I was a girl now and mustn’t be seen to make the first move. I therefore hoped that he might kiss me, but he seemed unwilling or unable to do so. Maybe it was me who was misreading the signals and I was trying to see something beyond what was simple kindness on his part?
‘See you on Friday then,’ he said.
‘Alright, and thanks again for everything.’
There was some slight improvement in Suzanne’s condition during the afternoon. I even managed to get her to eat a little broth and take a drink although she seemed to have some difficulty swallowing. I also gave her a wash and helped her to use the bedpan. She was even able to speak a few words to me.
‘What happened?’ she asked, in a slurred voice.
‘You fell over in the toilet, but you’ll soon be better again,’ I lied.
‘I don’t think so.’
‘My friend Andy broke down the door, but he has fixed it now.’
She attempted to smile.
‘Good, I liked him when we met. I’m glad you are friends again.’
I started to tell her about my meeting with Dad, but by then she was no longer listening so I sat with her stroking her hair for half an hour or so.
‘Thank you Clare,’ she said, at last drifting back into consciousness.
‘What for?’
‘For not letting them take me into hospital.’
‘Thank you, Suzanne, for everything that you’ve done for me.’
‘Would you mind if Andy kept an eye on you for an hour or so on Friday, whilst I go to the clinic?’
‘Of course not, you go ahead. I want to see you settled before I die.’
Soon afterwards she lapsed into unconsciousness once again, and I wondered whether this would be the pattern of her last few days of life.
Debbie called round again after work, to see how we both were. She even offered to stay the night again, but I told her that there was no point. After all she had her own life to lead. She promised instead that she would call in from time to time and maybe even bring her new boyfriend round one evening.
‘Thanks for explaining my situation to Karen, she rang me afterwards.’
‘So what is going to happen about your job?’
‘As ‘Clare’ had only been working since mid-January, there was no way I could qualify for any sick pay, but Karen said that she will try and manage with only occasional temporary help for a while. That way my job will still be open until ….’
‘Until after Suzanne has died,’ she said, completing my sentence.
‘Yes. I suppose so.’
‘How will you manage for money in the meanwhile?’
‘Suzanne paid most of the bills by standing order, including one for her credit card, which I will be able to use for telephone purchases. She also has an account to have her groceries delivered. I should be alright for a few weeks at least.’
(I didn’t mention the annuity monies paid in to Clare’s current account each month.)
Then, changing the subject, Debbie said: ‘I must say you have got that door fixed quickly. How did you find a builder so soon?’
‘Andy did it. He came round this morning with a new one.’
She smiled.
‘I’m glad that I thought to ring him last night. I knew he would be able to get here more quickly than me.’
‘I’m glad you did as well.’
She looked at me as if she was expecting me to say a little more on the subject of Andy and myself, but there was not a lot more that I could say.
Over the next two days I discovered that the job of a full-time care giver is not an easy one, especially if you are emotionally attached to the patient concerned. Everything is centred around catering for their physical needs. The carer becomes housebound, with few outlets for mental stimulation or outdoor exercise which might take their mind off the decline of their loved one. Suzanne had come to play a vital part in my life as a woman. She’d quickly become the big sister that I’d always wanted, my mentor and my best friend. But now she was almost entirely reliant on me.
There were intermittent periods of lucidity where Suzanne pointed out to me where to find her will and the various private papers, deeds and certificates that I would need as her executor.
‘There’s also a letter addressed to you, Clare, but only to be opened after I die.’
‘If we have anything to say to one another before we part I think it is better to say it face to face,’ I said, remembering the sadness associated with my mother’s letter to me.
‘Don’t worry, it is only detailed instructions, and my good wishes for your future life. I always intended to tell you how much I’ve grown to love you, Clare.’
With that she attempted to raise her head to kiss me. I leaned my face over towards hers to make it easier.
‘I’ve grown to love you, too, Suzanne,’ I whispered.
With that she again fell asleep, although with the trace of a smile on her lips.
Chapter 33 - My second assessment interview
Apart from his indecisiveness regarding the two of us, Andy struck me as being a trustworthy and reliable kind of guy and I had no doubt that he would turn up at the promised time on Friday morning.
‘Come in Andy, I said smiling as I invited him in. ‘I’ve already given Suzanne a wash and managed to get her to take something to eat and drink. She knows that you’ll be looking after her this morning. She’s gone back to sleep now, but she may appreciate some company later on.’
‘OK Clare, I promise to check up on her from time to time.’
I started to check that I had everything that I needed in my handbag.
‘ I must say, you look very smart this morning,’ said Andy.
My cheeks coloured slightly. I wasn’t expecting to receive any compliments from him.
‘You mean, when compared to the last couple of times you’ve seen me, and I looked a total mess,’ I said trying to make light of his comment.
‘No, I didn’t mean it that way. I was merely remarking on how nice you looked today.’
My cheeks coloured a little more.
‘Thank you. It is quite important for me to look my best during these assessment interviews to be able to convince the doctors that I can live successfully as a woman.’
‘Yes, I suppose so,’ he responded.
I wasn’t going to tell him the second reason why I’d got up at six o’clock that morning so that I would have sufficient time to get both Suzanne and myself ready for the day. I told myself that I needed to remain level headed; but I was pleased he’d noticed that I’d gone to some trouble over my appearance, and also that he’d commented on the fact.
‘I’ll get back as quickly as I can, but it may not be until around lunch time,’ I said as I was putting my coat on and about to leave.
‘Take as long as you need, I’m free all day today, if necessary.’
With anyone else, I might have given them a friendly goodbye kiss on the cheek before leaving, but it appeared that Andy wasn’t the ‘kissy-kissy’ type. Instead, I smiled and thanked him once more.
‘Good luck!’ he said as I was walking out of the door.
I turned to smile once again and then made my way to the tube station, wishing that he had been the ‘kissy-kissy’ type, or that I’d had the courage to kiss him goodbye, nevertheless.
My second appointment with Dr. Roberts seemed to go very well indeed. His questions were always probing and required careful thought before answering, but they were never hectoring or aggressive and he usually seemed to accept my answers. The usual three week period between appointments was designed to give each party time to reflect upon what they’d learned at the previous interview. In my case it was only seven days since my last interview but it had been one of the most significant and eventful weeks of my life. I’d not really had a lot of time for reflection, but nothing that I’d learned or had happened to me during that time had caused me to doubt the wisdom of my proposed cause of action.
Dr. Roberts began by picking up on a couple of points we’d been discussing in our previous discussion; notably my relationships with others since I’d been living as Clare. This gave me the opportunity to tell him about Suzanne and her sickness. We then moved on to talk about my relations with Debbie and my two other colleagues at work, and then with Andy, whom I described as ‘just a friend and nothing more.’ From there I told him about my recent meeting with Dad. I even showed him the letter written to me by Mum before she died, which he read with interest.
‘Why was it that your mother could see something about yourself at a time when you did not even recognize it yourself?’ he said as he handed it back to me.
‘I don’t really know. I now wish that my Dad hadn’t persuaded her against discussing her suspicions with me. It was not so much that I didn’t recognize it in myself as I was frightened of the implications of what was lurking in the back of my mind. It was as if I wouldn’t allow myself to think those thoughts. That was why it was so important for me when I became friendly with Suzanne — she allowed me, and even encouraged me to discover what it was like to be a girl. It was as if she was opening Pandora’s Box, and all the thoughts that I’d never allowed myself to think came rushing out, and then there could be no going back.’
‘What about your father, how has he reacted to the idea of having a daughter rather than a son?’
‘Unbelievably well; I was expecting anger and disappointment on his part but there has been none, he seems to have accepted me as I am. I suppose he has had some time to come to terms with the idea that his son might be transgendered and has clearly done a lot of background research on the subject. He has also recently become friendly with a very down-to-earth widow who has been accepting of myself and I believe has helped him to accept my situation.’
We moved on to a discussion about how it felt for me to be living in the female gender.
‘It is difficult to put in to words, but it just feels right somehow. I enjoy wearing nice clothes and makeup, and looking nice. I also like it when people compliment me about how I look, or take notice of me in the street but that is only a small part of the issue. I am much happier with the way I am treated as a woman, with the way people relate to me and the fact that I am allowed to show my emotions and talk about my feelings. I just feel as if I always was a woman deep down and that it was living as a male that was wrong.’
‘You will find that there are also disadvantages and limitations to living in the female gender,’ he continued.
‘Yes, I realise that and have already experienced some of them, but at the same time I feel more comfortable as a woman than I ever did as a man.’
He gave a knowing smile; I guess he’d heard it all before. We continued talking in this vein for another five minutes or so. I did my best to answer his questions honestly and analyse my own feelings, but often it came down to the fact that it just felt right. In no time at all, my hour’s appointment was almost over. He closed his notebook and smiled at me.
‘Alright then Clare. I think that will do for today. I’ll want to see you again in a few weeks but I am satisfied that you do meet all the criteria necessary to benefit from the help of our clinic.’
‘Thank you Doctor Roberts,’ I said looking at him expectantly, hoping that he had not quite finished.
‘I am also satisfied that for the last three months you have demonstrated yourself capable of living successfully in the female gender. I am therefore recommending that you should also make an appointment to see my colleague Dr. Singh, who is an endocrinologist and who will prescribe you with the appropriate female hormones and oversee you whilst you take them.’
‘I want to proceed with my transition more than anything else and I am sure that it is the right thing for me, but my flat mate Suzanne suffered a serious stroke on Monday night and I am her main carer. It may not be easy for me to make appointments at present.’
‘How did you manage this morning?’ he asked.
‘My friend Andy offered to take the day off work to look after her for me, but, as I said, he is only a friend and so I would not be able to ask him a second time.’
Dr. Roberts picked up his internal phone and pressed a number on the keypad.
‘Hi Sammy, I was speaking to you yesterday about my new patient Clare Simpson, whom I’ll be referring to you. She’s with me at the moment, but has some difficult domestic problems that could prevent her having an early appointment with you. Would there be any chance that you could fit her in to your list later this morning?’
He listened to the reply and then turned to me.
‘If you can wait forty minutes, Dr. Singh will see you this morning and get you started taking oestrogen. I will arrange an appointment to see you again in three weeks, but if you are unable to keep it, please let us know at least 48 hours before hand, so that your slot can be offered to someone else.’
I hadn’t expected to receive the hormones today. I suddenly became really excited by the prospect.
‘Yes, of course. Thank you, for all your help. Dr. Roberts.’
‘A pleasure, Ms Simpson.’
He was more than twenty years older than me, but I noticed that he had a nice smile.
Whilst I was waiting for my consultation with Dr. Singh, I rang Andy.
‘How’s Suzanne?’
‘She’s alright, I believe, she’s been awake for a while and we’ve been chatting together.’
I was pleased to hear that but couldn’t help wondering what they’ve been talking about.
‘I’ve just finished my appointment but they want me to hang on for an hour to talk to an endocrinologist. Would that be alright?’
‘Clare, I know how important this is to you. Please take as long as you need. Suzanne and I are getting on fine together.’
His voice sounded so kind and gentle that it sent a shiver of pleasure up my spine.
‘Thanks so much, Andy, you really are a lovely guy,’ I replied, barely able to mask my emotion.
Dr. Singh talked me through the implications and possible side effects of my taking female hormones, and reminded me that I should regard it as the point of no return, beyond which I would not be able to function successfully as a male again. It occurred to me that I’d long ago passed that point, mentally, at least. However, I listened attentively to what he said and answered all his questions, and told him about the Aldactone that I’d been taking for nearly four weeks without any unwanted side effects. I succeeded in convincing him that I knew what I was doing. We then discussed my medical history and he took my blood pressure. Eventually I emerged from the Clinic at lunch time with a prescription for a four week supply of estradiol in both tablet and gel form, together with a letter to my GP so that they would be able to provide me with repeat prescriptions. I felt quite elated, as if an important hurdle in my life had been overcome. I immediately took the prescription to a nearby pharmacist, and came away with the medicines that were going to change my life. I would have liked to have rung Suzanne, to share my good news with her, but of course was unable to do so. Instead I rang Debbie at work and told her.
I eventually arrived home at about two o’clock and was pleased to find that Andy had fixed himself something to eat in our kitchen.
‘How’s Suzanne?’ I asked.
‘She’s gone back to sleep, but she did take a little bit of nourishment earlier.’
‘Good. Thank you for doing that.’
‘No problem. I can see from the look on your face that it was a successful appointment.’
‘Yes, very successful, thank you. The clinic provided me with the female hormones that I’ve been longing to start taking and which will enable me to complete my transition.’
‘So there can be no going back?’
‘Not now.’
‘I’m glad.’
I smiled in response, not knowing what else to say.
‘Suzanne and I had a long talk about you this morning, Clare; she told me not to be such an idiot, and that I was to “snap you up,” before some other guy does so.’
I blushed and smiled, but couldn’t bring myself to look in to his eyes.
‘Suzanne loves to stick her nose into other people’s affairs; she also warned me against playing “hard to get,” as far as you were concerned.’
We both blushed and tried to avoid looking at one another.
‘Perhaps … maybe we could start again?’ he asked tentatively.
I forced myself to look at him.
‘I should really like that, Andy, but you must understand that although my physical transition is still ongoing, I am a woman inside and perhaps always have been one. You must be able to accept me as a woman. otherwise there can be no future for us.’
‘Yes, I realise that,’ he answered. ‘I’ve never thought of you as anything else in my heart.’
‘In that case, why don’t you kiss me?’ I asked.
I felt his arm round my shoulder drawing myself towards him, and I closed my eyes as our lips met and our tongues began to touch. Although I was wearing heels, I stood on tiptoe to get closer to him and held on tight to his body. I felt his other hand caressing my hair. Then I felt his penis growing as it pressed against my body, whilst my own remained safely and comfortably tucked out of the way. Instead, I felt a feeling of warmth and wellbeing throughout my whole body. As we continued our embrace I slipped my free hand into his trousers and grasped his penis. I felt it grow even further in my hand until we were both satisfied. I would dearly have liked to take him straight to my bed, but it somehow felt inappropriate to do so with our friend lying gravely ill in the next room. At last Andy broke the silence.
‘Clare, I would really like to take you out tonight to celebrate, but I know that you cannot leave Suzanne. May I go out shopping for some food and then perhaps cook us both a special meal tonight?’
‘I’m not sure; I would feel bad about us enjoying ourselves whilst Suzanne in the next room.’
‘It was her suggestion — that I should sweep you off your feet as soon as you came home from your appointment and then treat you to a slap-up dinner.’
I smiled. It was the sort of thing that Suzanne would have suggested.
‘Well you certainly succeeded in the first of those. Alright then, you go ahead and prepare our dinner tonight. I’d better have a quick wash and then go and check up on Suzanne.’
Whilst Andy was out shopping, I sat with Suzanne, stroking her hair. Eventually she regained consciousness and smiled when she recognized me.
‘How did your appointment go this morning?’ she asked.
‘Very well thanks. I’ve been given the oestrogen, and I am about to take my first ever dose,’ I said swallowing the tablet.
‘I am very pleased for you, Clare. I’m sure you are doing the right thing for yourself.’
‘Thank you for all your help and encouragement.’
‘My pleasure! What about Andy?’
‘We are going to try and start again.’
‘I am very pleased for you, Clare, I hope you achieve happiness in your life as a woman.’
With that she smiled and gently lapsed back into unconsciousness. I remained stroking her hair for a few more minutes but then realised that her breath was becoming gentler and gentler until it faded into nothing.
‘Suzanne!’ I said, suddenly becoming alarmed.
There was no response. I gently pushed her arm, but again there was no response and no sign of any breath. I took out the compact mirror from my handbag and held it close to her nose and her mouth. There was no sign of any misting that would betray the shallowest of breathing. My friend had gently slipped away from life as I was stroking her hair. I felt cold and numb inside and didn’t know what to do. In spite of Dad’s recent visit, in spite of my reconciliation with Andy, and my friendship with Debbie, I suddenly felt alone in the world. Suzanne had come to mean so much to me in such a short time, and now she was dead.
Andy arrived back at the flat, carrying two plastic carrier bags of groceries. He didn’t even have a chance to get through the door or put down his shopping before I fell into his arms weeping.
‘Oh Andy, Suzanne has died, and it’s all my fault. I should never have left her this morning.’
He dropped the shopping and put his arms round me, holding me tight, whilst I continued sobbing.
‘Come on Clare, how can it be your fault, you knew she only had a little time left to live?’
‘I know, but I should never have left her?’ I said sobbing.
‘You didn’t know whether it would be today, tomorrow or even next week that she died. In any event, she wanted you to go to your appointment this morning. She wanted to see you settled and even managed to hold on until you got back this afternoon,’ he said quietly.
He was right; there was nothing more that I could have done, yet I had an overwhelming feeling of guilt on my part, and anger at the unfairness of life.
‘Now have you notified the doctor or the nurse?’ he asked.
‘No I just couldn’t think what to do?’ I admitted.
‘Don’t worry, just give me the number and I’ll do it.’
Chapter 34 - Tying up loose ends
Although I knew that Suzanne’s death was imminent, it was still a great shock to me when it came, and all the many feelings that I had been bottling up over the last eighteen months or so came tumbling out in uncontrollable tears. It was not just the sadness surrounding the loss of a good friend, but also all the pent up emotions relating to the sickness and death of my mother, my relationship with my father and, above all, the confusion over my gender identity. Ever since I’d been fifteen or so I’d taught myself to hide what I was really feeling in case it should upset anybody. This technique had worked fairly well for a while but I’d now reached a point where it would no longer do so. I held on to Andy and simply could not stop myself from weeping.
Once again Andy proved to be a great help at a time of crisis — a real brick. He held on tight and comforted me for several minutes until my tears gradually began to subside. He then rang the doctor for me, and called Debbie. She was just about to finish work, and came over as quickly as she could. Andy stayed in the background and cooked an evening meal for the three of us, whilst Debbie helped me to deal with the doctor and answer all his questions. Despite her age, Suzanne’s death was entirely to be expected, given her medical condition and so the doctor confirmed that there would be no need for him to inform the coroner or to hold a post-mortem. He asked to see her NHS Medical Card, which I was able to provide, and so he naturally issued the medical certificate in the name of Suzanne Fisher — the name he had treated her by and with which she had lived under for the last five years or so. As there were no known relatives, I was present at her death and I would be the person arranging her funeral, he told me that I would be the most appropriate person to register the death at the Kensington and Chelsea Registry Office on Monday. We telephoned a Funeral Director who came and collected Suzanne's body, but we wouldn,t be able to proceed with arrangements for a funeral, until the death had been registered.
Our evening meal turned out to be a sombre affair rather than the celebration that Andy had originally planned. I was still in a deep state of shock and would periodically begin sobbing, as something that one of us said reminded me of some previous incident involving Suzanne. My two friends comforted me, and didn’t show any surprise or impatience with my tearfulness. I would have liked Andy to stay the night and to hold me, but I dared not suggest it to him. Instead Debbie offered to stay and provided me with the companionship and support that I so needed. She had originally planned to go out with her boyfriend, but had phoned him to explain.
Andy returned the following morning, which was a Saturday, and Debbie’s boyfriend joined us as well. By this time I was beginning to hold it together, but there were still occasional lapses into sadness. There was not a lot that anyone could do until I’d been to register the death on Monday. Debbie and Guy offered to take us out to dinner, but I didn’t like the idea of leaving the house, and so they organised a take away instead. I also insisted that everyone should go home on Saturday evening, as I couldn’t expect everyone to put their lives ‘on hold’ for my sake.
Thus it was not until Sunday morning that I was left on my own in the flat for the first time, and I used the opportunity to read through the letter of instruction that Suzanne had left for me. She had written it on the 24th January, the day the doctor and the nurse had come to the flat to discuss her future. She must have written it whilst I was having my preliminary interview with Dr Underwood.
Dear Clare/Tom,
I am sure that you now must realise how desperate my condition really is and that my death in February will not come as too much of a shock to you. I revised my will as soon as you agreed to stay and look after me, earlier this month, and this letter will explain my last wishes. I suspect that you may wish to continue living as Clare after my demise and hope that I will live long enough to see you make up your mind on this matter. However, at the time I write this letter I cannot be sure, and would not wish to push you into anything against your will. As I have said to you before, you must now take responsibility for your future and who you really are.Basically I will be offering you two alternatives. If you decide to revert to being Tom Evans you will receive a £5,000 legacy from my will which, together with the insurance money you have recently received, should be enough to pay for your accommodation and living costs until you’re able to re-establish yourself as a young man and find yourself a new job. In such case there will be no Clare Simpson to execute my will, which will therefore be administered by my solicitor. The bulk of the remaining money from my estate will be given to charity (apart from two £5,000 bequests to my friends Eleanor and Christine, whom are both in Africa). If, on the other hand, you decide to continue living as Clare Simpson and execute my will, you will benefit by more than £25,000 in residual monies from my estate, together with about seven years remaining on the lease of my flat. This should give you the funding and stability necessary to enable you to complete your transition into a woman, and to pay for any surgery, rather than having to spend time on NHS waiting lists. Of course, in this case there will be no Tom Evans to receive his £5,000 bequest and so I have added the provision that if Tom cannot be traced within three months of my death, the money should be paid to my new friend, Deborah Finch.
I leave it to you to decide what to do about the annuity paid in to Clare’s bank account each month. It is not enough to prevent you from ever working again, but if you decide to leave things as they are, it will be a useful supplement to your future earnings. Also, you will find all the documentation necessary to renew Clare’s passport. Fortunately this passport was taken out before they started to include biometric data, so there should be no difficulty for you to renew it with your photograph and signature.
You may also have any of my clothes, jewellery or cosmetics that you wish to keep, although, as an attractive young woman, I suspect you will soon wish to start choosing your own clothes and developing your own look. You will find more than enough ready money in my room to buy yourself a new outfit for my funeral, if you choose to do so. I hope you will not be too sad at my demise and will soon start to enjoy yourself as Clare; that has always been my wish for you. I wish I could have lived to witness you transform into the mature woman that I suspect you should have been, but feel privileged to have been in at the beginning of that process.
The remainder of the letter dealt with technical issues such as where to find documents and what monies and other assets there were, together with her wishes for her funeral and cremation. There was no-one for me to notify and she wanted no memorial or public announcement of her death. However, if I was ever able to travel to Melbourne, I should take her ashes with me to scatter them in the same place as those of her mother and father.
My reaction on reading the letter was to feel both intensely sad and yet grateful to Suzanne for everything that she had given me. She had helped me to discover who I really was and enabled my new life. I was so pleased that she had lived long enough for me to make my irrevocable decision about my future and that she had witnessed me take my first oestrogen tablet. For some time now there had been no doubt in my mind about my future life, and from the tone of her letter I suspect she knew that as well. In any event, I was hardly going to deprive my good friend Debbie of a £5,000 bequest!
That evening I destroyed all the remaining official documentation that I held for Tom Evans — his passport, birth certificate, National Insurance certificate. As far as I was concerned he no longer existed. My future life was as Clare Simpson, and everyone I came across would have to deal with that fact. I had recently transferred all of the money out of Tom’s two accounts into Clare’s account. The last action I ever took in the name of Tom Evans, was to write to his bank and close them.
That is pretty much the end of my story, or at least it is the end of the first part involving my dealings with Suzanne. At some point I may come back and tell the entire story of my transition to a woman, but not for the time being as I would not be sure at what point to end it. In many respects the story is still continuing as every day I discover some new aspect of my life. However, in the meanwhile, there is no harm in giving you a brief summary of what has happened to me over the last five and a half years since Suzanne’s death.
During the following week I completed the various administrative matters necessary after any death, and organized the funeral and cremation, in accordance with Suzanne’s stated wishes. There were no problems and all the paperwork was in order. I notified Eleanor and Christine by email and arranged for some flowers to be delivered to the funeral on their behalf, and of course from myself. Debbie and I also went out together to buy ourselves new outfits for the funeral. The funeral itself turned out to be a very quiet, rather poignant affair, with only Debbie and myself, our two boyfriends, Suzanne’s doctor, the district nurse, and my friend’s solicitor in attendance. We all went for lunch together in a local hotel afterwards. The solicitor handed over the will to me, together with various other documents as I was named as the executor. I had no difficulty in getting a grant of probate in due course.
Fortunately I was able to return to working part-time for the same company without too much difficulty. Karen had avoided making any long term arrangements for my replacement, realising that I would probably wish to return after Suzanne’s death. The part-time job was ideal as it gave me the time and opportunity to sort out Suzanne’s affairs and establish my new identity whilst continuing to attend my appointments at the Charing Cross clinic. These progressed well and I continued taking the oestrogen, which in due course began to have its desired effect.
I managed to renew ‘Clare’s’ passport with my new photograph, signature and biometric data. Ever since then I have had no difficulty in proving to the authorities that I am Clare Simpson or when travelling abroad. I felt a little guilty about continuing to receive the annuity from Suzanne’s father, but was not in a position to announce that Clare had died. Once I had received enough money to finance the visit to Melbourne to scatter her ashes, I salved my conscience by contributing all the future payments . to a transgender charity. I am glad to say that nobody has ever come looking for, or asking awkward questions about either Suzanne Fisher or Clare Simpson.
Andy and I eventually got to understand, then to like, and eventually to love one another and we have been an ‘item’ ever since. As I think I may have mentioned, he lost his job with Lehman Brothers in September 2008 and was unable to find another job in banking. Fortunately though he had been quite prudent with his savings and investments in the heady days before the bursting of the financial bubble, and so we combined our resources and got married in June 2009 soon after I’d recovered from my sex reassignment surgery. My marriage provided me with the opportunity to have joint British citizenship and acquire a British passport as Clare. Andy and I now live in Yorkshire, midway between our respective parents, and have opened a small restaurant. This is struggling, but is just about managing to keep going, and I feel it has plenty of potential once the economy picks up again. I don’t think Andy’s parents are aware about my background and he has clearly not told them as they keep dropping hints about grandchildren.
Suzanne was right that I would soon begin to enjoy buying my own clothes and developing my own look as a woman, and I have always enjoyed looking my best and keeping up with fashion. Yet I have also found it quite difficult to get rid of many of the clothes that she had given to me. The upshot is that I now possess a substantial wardrobe acquired over the years, which has been a source of great pleasure to me. Andy is always complaining about the number of clothes I have, but they are my only small extravagance, and I don’t make too much fuss about the couple of vintage motorcycles that he is rebuilding in the back garden.
I’ve remained very close to Debbie over the years, and, although we live some distance apart we have long girly chats on the phone or via the Internet at least once a week. I was her chief bridesmaid when she married Guy in the summer of 2008, and Andy and I are the Godparents of their first child, a daughter born early in 2009. Since then, she has produced one child each year and seems to be one of those women who thrives on being pregnant. Guy has recently suggested that perhaps four children is enough for them, so Debbie has asked me whether Andy and I would like her to act as a surrogate mother for our family, by means of artificial insemination with Andy’s sperm. The possibility of having our own baby both thrills and yet frightens me but it would certainly complete our life together. Andy is very keen on the idea, and Guy says that he would not be unhappy with the prospect, so I think we will probably go ahead. If we have a little girl I am determined to call her Suzanne in remembrance of my late friend.
Dad has been totally accepting of my new life and was supportive of me when I went in to hospital to finish the job. He and Vera have not married but have remained close friends and frequently go out together. Andy and I often visit them both and always receive a friendly welcome when we do so. In fact I have been really happy with my life as a woman, as Andy’s wife, as dad’s daughter, and perhaps one day as a mother myself. I only wish that my Mum could have seen how well things have worked out for me before she died.
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![]() but storm clouds are gathering on the political horizon and something else is stirring underground! The Resurrection of
Mary Baker Copyright © 2010 Louise Anne Smithson
All Rights Reserved. |
Once he had passed the round tower of St Benedict’s church, Billy glanced over his shoulder to make sure that no-one was looking, and then slipped through the rusty iron gate and into the graveyard. This side of the churchyard was hidden from the vicarage, and most of the surrounding houses were now empty and awaiting demolition, their previous occupants having been moved to newly-built council houses on the edge of the city. The church itself looked forlorn and neglected and was rarely now used. The remnants of a once-healthy congregation in the small church had drifted away to St Swithin’s or to St Giles’s both of which were only a few streets away. He walked across the churchyard to some steps leading down to a wooden door underneath the nave of the church. The steps were overgrown with brambles, but he picked up an old door post that was lying there and lifted them out of the way until he got past. He then let them fall back to their original position. The fact that the steps were so overgrown indicated to him that no-one else now used them. At the bottom of the steps Billy stood the pole next to the doorway so it would be available for him to use when he made his exit early the next morning. He slowly turned the handle which simultaneously lifted latches on both sides of the door, quietly opened the door and entered.
The first time he had come here, more than two years ago, the door had been locked, but he had managed to pick it without any trouble, and ever since he had left it unlocked. Once inside, he took another piece of wood, which he had shaped for the purpose, and jammed it into the inside latch, so that it could not be opened from the outside. In the unlikely event that someone were to arrive with the key, they would not be able to get in until he removed it. It was now safe for him to light the candles, which he had stolen from the cathedral, knowing that their glow could not be seen outside. This was now his private realm where he felt safe and secure.
The candles illuminated a small dry crypt under about a third of the nave, created because the church had been built on a sloping site. It contained several stone sarcophagi, mural monuments and inscribed flagstones indicating burials under the floor. Although he was superstitious, Billy was not at all afraid of being surrounded by the dead. He had once managed to purloin a flashlight from a policeman’s bicycle whilst the latter was busy arresting a criminal. This had enabled him to investigate every corner of the crypt, before the battery ran out, so he knew there was nothing for him to fear.
One sarcophagus had a broken lid, the smaller piece of which he was able to slide to one side to give him access to the tomb. From just inside he retrieved an old and battered suitcase and a cardboard box. Even if someone had entered the crypt over the last couple of years, they would never have found his treasures, for who would open a tomb? He put down the box and the suitcase on the floor next to the parcel he had been carrying. He then slid back the piece of the lid and lit two further candles, placing them on top of the sarcophagus, so he could see better what he was doing. This would serve as his makeshift dressing table for the night.
As he lit the candles, the inscription on the tomb always attracted his attention:
He had no idea who she was but they shared the same birthday, born exactly 200 years apart. It wasn’t until after he read that newspaper article that he was aware that there might be another co-incidence between them.
The article had been a revelation to him and given him something to look forward to in his hitherto unhappy life. It concerned 26-year-old William Richeson of New York, who had been arrested after spending more than ten years living as Mary Baker, during which time he (or she) had worked as a chorus girl, a hospital nurse and had even got married without her husband knowing her true sex. It demonstrated that there were other people in the world who shared the same desires as he did. If Billy Richeson could live successfully as a woman for so long, then so too could Billy Franklin. It may not be practicable to do so in a small city like Norwich, but it would be a different matter in London where no-one knew him. The idea of working as a chorus girl seemed impossibly glamorous, but perhaps he could get a job as a waitress, or work in a dress shop or as a lady’s maid. The co-incidence of names in the article with that on the tomb also struck him, and convinced him that it was a lucky sign. There and then he had decided that as soon as he was sixteen he would become Mary Baker and go to live in London.
There had been a worrying time for him last Summer as there was a rumour going around that there would soon be a war with Germany and that all the young men would be conscripted to join the army. That would have ended any chance he might have of living as Mary. But fortunately, a few weeks ago, Mr Chamberlain, the Prime Minister had gone to Munich and signed an agreement with Herr Hitler. Billy remembered the headline in his father’s newspaper — ‘Peace in our time’ — which he saw as another good omen. He was now determined to carry out his plan as soon as possible.
From stealing laundry, Billy had progressed to stealing handbags from the cloakrooms at the local dance hall and he had even once managed to walk off with a stylish ladies overcoat, with a fur collar, without anyone noticing. At first, he felt bad about stealing money from girls as he was only really interested in their makeup and the other items their handbags might contain. Once or twice he even left the purse behind and just ran off with the handbag. However, he came to realise that Mary would need money for her fare to London and also to pay for accommodation until she could find a job. Billy therefore hardened his heart and began to save up ready for his sixteenth birthday.
The one thing that had seemed to be most difficult was how to acquire some suitable shoes. He did not have big feet and many women’s styles would have fitted him, but he needed to try them on first. The two occasions he had come across a pair of shoes left in a cloakroom had been a disaster as one pair had been far too small and the other too big to be usable. However, in September he’d had a stroke of luck. Sexton’s, the local shoe factory had again started recruiting workers and his mother, who was a machinist there had persuaded the foreman to take him on. His job was to clean up the machinery and work benches and any other menial tasks that came along, but he did not mind. The company was just beginning to manufacture new American ‘high-heels’ that were being made popular by Hollywood, as well as the more traditional styles that his mother and the other factory girls used to wear. After a couple of weeks at work he had discovered where and when it was safe for him to try on shoes, and then selected two pairs for himself to wear: one pair of walking shoes and a pair of high heels for when he wanted to look glamorous. It was a relatively simple task to hide them at work and then throw them out of the window into some nearby bushes as the factory was just closing for the night. He came back later to retrieve them when no-one else was around. The two pairs of shoes were in the parcel he had been carrying this evening — the final piece in the jigsaw necessary to resurrect Mary Baker.
He consulted a ladies’ wrist watch that he had found in one of the handbags. It was nearly ten thirty — the pubs would be calling for last orders and his parents would soon be returning home. It was six and a half hours before the first train for London left in the morning - but there was no reason why he should not now become Mary. He carefully laid out the garments he had selected to wear for his journey and started to remove the hated clothes that he was forced to wear every day as Billy.
Mary filled the cups with a spare pair of woollen stockings, to give them the right shape, and put on a white petticoat. She then slid a silk stocking on to her left leg and bent over to attach it to her suspender, but, as she did so she had the distinct impression that someone was watching her. She looked around, but could see nothing and there was no sound, so she ignored the feeling and so she put on and started to attach the second stocking. Once again she had a feeling that there was someone watching.
‘Is there anyone there?’ she asked tentatively.
There was no reply but the impression that she was not alone was so strong, that she slipped the pair of low heeled shoes on to her feet, picked up a candlestick and did a quick tour of the crypt to make sure that it was empty.
It did not take her long to satisfy herself that she was indeed alone, so she returned to her dressing table and put on a white cotton blouse, a dark brown pleated skirt and a knitted cardigan, and some beads around her neck. Then she decided to try out her new high-heeled shoes. They felt wonderful to wear and made her legs look and feel nice in the silk stockings. She even bent down to caress her silky legs, but as she did so, she once again felt that she was being watched. This time, however, she ignored the sensation, telling herself not to be so silly, and deciding to do her hair and put on some makeup.
Mary wished that her hair was longer than it was, but Billy had already been told by the foreman at his work to get his hair cut, and would not have been able to have avoided doing so much longer if he had wanted to keep his job. In time, she wanted to grow her hair and adopt the new ‘Garbo look’, but in the meanwhile the ‘shingle bob’ had been in fashion for several years and lots of girls still wore their hair very short. She was fairly confident that she would be able to get away with her existing hair in public so long as she wore either a wide-brimmed hat or a headscarf, both of which were commonplace headgear for young women.
Mary had also become quite proficient at putting on makeup over the last year. She took an old framed mirror that she’d found, from out the cardboard box and perched it on the sarcophagus next to one of the candles, and proceeded to apply the face-cream, face powder, lipstick, rouge and some eye shadow, just like her mother used to do. She kept a lemonade bottle of water in the crypt, to wash off the makeup. She unscrewed the cap and dribbled some on to the mascara cake to wet it, before brushing it on to her eyelashes. As she did so, she momentarily caught sight of a pale teenaged girl with long hair and wearing a long dress, reflected in the corner of the mirror. She blinked, and there was no-one there. She turned and looked again, but there was no-one to be seen. Had she imagined it? She had read in the newspapers about hallucinations and guessed that this must be one, a product of her fevered imagination, anticipating the excitement of the next day.
To calm herself she began carefully to paint her finger nails in scarlet lacquer, and when she was finished held her fingers open for them to dry. It was then that she became conscious of a draft in the crypt. In all the many times she had been down there, she had never been aware of any movement of air. In fact it had always struck her how still and quiet it was. She looked up at the candles and saw that their flames were now flickering in the draft. It was as if someone with icy breath was breathing over her shoulder.
Mary’s heart began to pound as, once again, she turned around, but there was nobody there. Mary decided that she did not like this place any more and, for the first time, a shiver of real fear went down her spine. However, if she was to live successfully as Mary, she would require courage. Although she had trembling hands, she forced herself to pick up one of the candles and, walk round the crypt once again, with her new heels clicking on the flagstones. Still she found nothing but continued to have the overwhelming impression that someone — or something — was constantly looking over her shoulder.
Mary had had enough. She hurriedly put the mirror, Billy’s clothes and everything else that she would not need for her new life into the cardboard box and stowed it in the sarcophagus. She put on her walking shoes and stowed the high heels in her suitcase along with her other clothes and items of makeup, all the time feeling that dreadful presence behind her. She put on her coat and a headscarf and looked at her watch; it was five minutes to midnight. It would be risky going out alone at this time of the night; she might be mistaken for a prostitute and either propositioned or else questioned by the police. However, that was better than remaining any longer in that awful place. She extinguished all but one of the candles and pulled out the piece of wood from the door latch. As she did so, she heard a dull thud from outside the door. The post that she had used to clear the brambles from the step had fallen over and become jammed in the outside latch of the door.
Mary rattled the door handle in an attempt to dislodge it, but without success. She then banged on the door and called out — but no one ever came there these days. As she did so she could feel the movement of cold clammy air on the nape of her neck, across her stockinged feet and inside her dress. She began to shiver uncontrollably and then to sob. As the final candle was extinguished on the stroke of midnight by that repulsive draft, she heard the sound of mocking laughter.
‘In a city with thirty-two mediaeval churches and a cathedral, all within a relatively small area, there can be no question of our rebuilding St Benedict’s for parish use’, said the Archdeacon. ‘We will use the government compensation to build a new church elsewhere in the diocese where it will be more needed.’
‘I agree. There are now even fewer people in the parish than there were before the war,’ answered the Reverend Peter Jones. ’I have plenty of other duties in the city and have not held a service there since 1938. But what will happen to the ruins of the church?’
‘I expect the diocese will fill in the crypt, then flatten the site and dispose of the land. By the way, was there anything left in the crypt following the blast?’
‘The bomb and ensuing fire destroyed almost everything down there except for one eighteenth century stone sarcophagus for a teenage girl named Mary Baker. That seems to have suffered nothing worse than a broken lid in the blast. It is all rather mysterious really.’
‘Why is that?’ asked the Archdeacon.
‘Well, first of all it is most unusual to have such an elaborate and expensive tomb for a teenage girl — she must have been quite special. Then there was the fact that it survived virtually unscathed, when everything else in the crypt was totally destroyed. There were also some unusual discoveries when we came to open the tomb.’
‘Really?’ said the Archdeacon.
‘We found some modern children’s clothing had been rolled up and placed together with a mirror and some other items inside a cardboard box under the lid of the sarcophagus.’
‘It sounds as if the local children have been playing on the bomb site. If so, they are putting their lives at risk, that remaining wall is unsafe and will have to be demolished.’
‘But that is not all. Mary’s coffin was in a remarkably good state of preservation given that it was more than two hundred years old. We opened it and found she’d had long hair and there were traces of the dress, petticoat and some beads that she was wearing at the time of her burial.’
‘That does happen from time to time,’ said the Archdeacon.
‘I know, but when my friend from the local hospital examined the skeleton, he was convinced it was one from a boy in his mid-teens.’
Historical notes:
The article about William Richeson, alias Mary Baker, appeared in the Daily Mirror, 12 October 1937. The shoe manufacturer Sextons of Norwich recovered from the trade slump of the early 1930s by introducing new American-style ‘high-heeled’ shoe designs. The ‘Munich Agreement’ of October 1938 only delayed the onset of war between Britain and Germany by eleven months. St Benedict’s church was hit during the ‘Baedeker Blitz’ on Norwich in April 1942. There is a picture of it after the raid at http://www.norfolkchurches.co.uk/norwichbenedict/plunkett/be... - only the tower now survives as a landmark in what has since become the GLBT quarter of the city.
Despite her bad temper, there was no doubt that Sister Cathcart was a beautiful woman, in her crisp white uniform with a short skirt, and with her long legs and long auburn hair. She may have had five fingers and a thumb on each hand, but they were always beautifully manicured and polished, as if she wanted to draw attention to her physical abnormality. She entered my cubicle, rested her automatic weapon against the wall, and held out her hand for the collection tube.
‘I’m truly sorry, sister, but it’s a ‘no go’ again’ I said offering it to her.
‘Well try again, and be quick about it, I cannot wait all day for you!’ she said irritably.
‘I’ve been trying constantly for last forty minutes, I just can’t do it.’
That really sounded pathetic on my part; but what could I do?
‘This is the second time this month that you’ve failed to reach your quota 2348/C; it is beginning to reflect on both of us. Unless there is a rapid improvement in your performance, I do not see a future for you at the farm.’
Sister Cathcart didn’t understand that she was partially responsible for her misfortunes. If the other Sisters got through their collections more quickly than she did, it was because they understood that providing sperm on a daily basis was a mental as well as a physical process. A kind or encouraging word, or even a helping hand could speed up the process no end; whereas insults and impatience could just as easily set you back to square one. Still, even she knew better than to physically mistreat the valuable farm stock. It was rumoured that she was having penetrative sex with 2812/A, which was why she was always in a hurry. This was against the rules of the farm but did go on from time to time. If she was doing so, then no harm was likely to come about as a result since, as a grade 3 mutant, she was undoubtedly sterile. Also 2812/A would need to wear a condom in order to meet his daily quota.
She entered the results, or in my case, lack of results, into her hand held terminal, whilst still displaying her annoyance. She then picked up her automatic weapon and left. I used to be surprised by the rather careless way that several of the Sisters left their weapons lying around until I discovered that they were all fitted with hand recognition technology and could only be fired by their registered users. In fact during the seven years that I’d been at the farm I’d never heard one being fired and as far as I knew there’d been no escapes during this time. Yet we regularly heard automatic gunfire coming from the nearby work camp. Security at the farm was not particularly tight; the stock doubtless realised that they were better off where they were and that any unauthorised male at large would soon be picked up and punished by the authorities.
Sister Cathcart was probably right though; once any male failed to produce the required quota of sperm each day, his days at the farm were numbered. I’d seen it happen before many times although it was normally after they were thirty or more, whereas I believed I was in my mid-twenties. The fortunate ones leaving the farm would be sterilised and taken to work in the government brothels for a few more years. Others who appeared to be strong and healthy might be transferred to a work camp. Nobody ever spoke about what happened to the remainder.
Nothing more was said about my lack of performance and on the next two days I was able to perform to the satisfaction of the farm authorities and in a sufficiently timely manner to enable Sister Cathcart to indulge in her extra-curricular activities with 2812/A. I was half hoping that the incident might, in time, be forgotten. Then, on the Thursday morning as I was sitting on my bunk waiting for the distribution of the collecting tubes, Sister Cathcart came in to my cubicle, picked up my uniform from the chair and threw it towards me.
‘Alright you can get dressed now; you’re needed over at the main block.’
‘Just me?’ I said with some surprise.
‘Just you.’
‘But what about the collection?’
‘Not today, you’re excused, thank heaven,’ she replied with an obvious sigh of relief.
I knew better than to try and ask her any further questions so I quickly dressed and stood to attention. She reprogrammed my electronic bracelet to enable me to leave the stabling block without setting off an alarm, and led me across the yard towards the main building. We walked past a brand new purple 6-wheeled Rolls Royce parked in the drive. A licensed eunuch in grey livery was polishing the solar panels on the roof whilst waiting patiently for the return of his mistress.
‘Whoever owns that car has both wealth and power,’ I said.
‘Keep your opinions to yourself,’ she replied briskly, but I could see that she probably agreed with me.
I’d not been inside the main block for several years. In the early days I was called over from time to time along with groups of other breeding males, to be inspected by the licensed female breeders who came to the farm to mate. Direct breeding between a fertile male and a fertile female was only permitted to take place on licensed premises, where it could be closely monitored. The farm held such a licence and maintained a number of breeding rooms. However, I was never selected for direct mating and so eventually they ceased even to offer my services. A young woman had to have completed a successful pregnancy with genetically sound offspring before she could be licensed to breed directly from a male, and this licence would be revoked if she subsequently gave birth to a mutant. Although my genetic make up was clear of any mutation and my sperm count was average, the minority of women who had earned the right to have penetrative sex rather than artificial insemination were looking for a mate who was taller, more muscular and better looking than me, there were always others who met this bill.
I was retained at the farm to provide sperm for the artificial insemination programme, and no doubt it had given rise to a large number of healthy births — such things were always carefully monitored these days. Equally, much of my valuable seed had probably gone to create mutants, who were such a common feature of the reproductive process these days, and were hampering attempts to rebuild the human race after the losses encountered during the Great War. Grade 1 mutants were destroyed at birth; it was the only realistic and humane thing that could be done with them. Grade 2 were sterilised and then shipped out to the contaminated lands in North America and the Far East, where nobody lived to old age without succumbing to cancer or radiation sickness. Grade 3 mutants— like Sister Cathcart, once sterilised, were permitted to remain in society. The males were sent to the work camps, along with the gradually increasing numbers of genetically sound males. The females often took jobs in the security industries.
The Sisters and the other staff were always polite to any licensed breeder who came to the farm, but on this occasion they were positively grovelling. The farm manager and her deputy were both solicitously talking to an expensively-dressed woman in her late thirties. I noticed that she was wearing the New United Nations Gold Medal for Motherhood, together with a bar, indicating that she had already borne twelve genetically sound children. With more women like that it would not be many generations before the human race was re-established in those areas that remained inhabitable. What is more, although clearly aged by her childbearing years, she appeared to be healthy enough to have two or three more pregnancies before her eggs dried up.
What on earth would such a woman want with me? I thought as we approached. Yet there was something vaguely familiar about her face.
‘This 2348/C, Honoured Mother,’ said Sister Cathcart.
‘Good, take us to a breeding chamber,’ the woman said, imperiously.
The farm manager, her deputy and Sister Cathcart all looked as surprised as I felt, but nobody dared to question her command. Two minutes later we were conducted to the best appointed breeding room of the farm.
‘Is there anything else you need Ma’am?’ asked Sister Cathcart, who was still unable to remove the note of disbelief from her voice.
‘No, you may leave us.’
The woman took out a small electronic device from her handbag and turned it on.
‘It will cause the recording devices to malfunction so that our actions and conversation will be private. It is illegal but the manager will not dare to report me,’ she said.
‘Would you like me to get undressed Honoured Mother?’ I asked tentatively.
‘No, we shall not be breeding. If we were to mate and it were to be discovered you would be shot and I would be stripped of my honours. Instead I want you to inseminate me with this,’ she said producing a vial of semen from her handbag and a syringe. ‘Afterwards we can talk.’
This woman could have had her pick of any fertile male on the planet, and yet she was choosing artificial insemination, conducted by me! I stood there looking utterly confused.
‘Well help me then,’ she said impatiently, lying down on the bed and taking off her knickers.
I did as she instructed, and afterwards she dressed herself once more. Now that the insemination was over she became a little more relaxed.
‘So you do not recognise me?’ she said in a more kindly voice.
‘Your face is slightly familiar, Ma’am, but I cannot remember why.’
‘I am your elder sister Elaine, but you must never refer to me by that name if anyone else is present; you must refer to me by my official title ‘Honoured Mother’ or as ‘Ma’am.’ You are my younger brother, Michael, but I too must refer to you by your breeding number and type when anyone else is present.’
‘I did not know I had a name, Honoured Mother; and as far as I know I have no siblings. I grew up in a state orphanage.’
‘Who do you think brought you from the North of Scotland as a baby after the civil war and placed you in the orphanage?’ she asked.
‘I do not know, I don’t remember that far back.’
‘And who do you think has used her influence to keep you at the stud farm, after they found that you were unsuitable for direct breeding? You might easily have been sent to a work camp or even put down five years ago.’
‘They told me that it was because I was genetically clean and sufficiently fertile for the AI programme.’
‘You were, and we both have our parents to thank for taking us away from civilisation once the radiation leaks began. However, even at that time there were others who could have been used in your place. You should also be aware that, for a male, you have so far led a charmed and protected life. However, your sperm count is beginning to decline, and there have been some days when you have not met your quota.’
‘I know, but sometimes it is partly the fault of the collector,’ I responded, hanging my head in shame.
‘That may be so but there will soon come a time when it is no longer worthwhile to keep you at the farm. After all, you are well fed here and do no work. What is more, following the success of the government’s monitored breeding programme, the purchase price of genetically clean males is now much lower. You are scheduled to be replaced after the next stock auctions.’
‘How do you know all this, Ma’am?’ I asked.
‘You may call me Elaine, when we are alone,’ she said smiling. Then continued with her story.
‘Once I became a successful and prolific mother, I started to invest my earnings in this farm, so that I would be able to keep an eye on you. It has been a profitable investment and I’m now one of the major shareholders in the business. As a result I have access to all the production data and financial projections.’
‘Why are you doing this for me? … Elaine?’
‘Our parents sent us out of harm’s way, and joined us later, but left it too late. I promised them when they were both dying from radiation sickness that I would always look out for you. It has not always been easy for me to do, particularly during the period of ‘outrage against the male sex.’ There were those in government who wanted to abolish males altogether, but the majority felt they could have their uses if kept separate from civil society.
‘But males will always be required for breeding purposes.’
‘Yes, for the time being, but having brought humanity to the brink of extinction, they must never again be permitted to have any role in government or administration. That is the central tenet of the charter of the New United Nations.’
‘I know, but what will happen to me once I am replaced?’
‘What do you think will happen?’
‘It was suggested to us that after a successful period at the farm we might be sterilised and put to work in one of the state brothels,’ I replied.
‘If a woman is paying for sex, and there is no chance of any conception as a result, then she is going to want to have some fun. Believe me you do not have physique to be selected for work in a brothel.’
‘So what will happen to me?’
‘You do not have the build for heavy work, so you are unlikely to be purchased for use in a work camps and most people licensed to employ eunuchs as domestic servants are looking for one who’s been that way since adolescence. It is possible you could be used to lead a cleansing party of mutants in the contaminated lands, but, to be honest, the most economic answer would be to have you put down.’
‘I see.’
I think I have always known that this would be my ultimate fate, but had not expected it quite so soon.
‘That is why I am here today; to see if there is anything we can do to prevent that from happening.’
‘What do you suggest?’
‘The first thing is to get you away from the farm. I have bribed the officials of the Department of Sex and Reproduction to grant me a three month licence to keep a non-breeding male at my home for the purposes of pleasure, during the first trimester of my next pregnancy. I have just made an offer to the farm for your services in that respect. The manager of the farm thinks that I have taken leave of my senses, and have a perverted desire for undersized young men. Nevertheless, she has agreed to sell you to me for a very reasonable price. As soon as I leave here, you will be taken for sterilisation and then delivered to my country estate tomorrow.’
I would have no regrets about the loss of my ability to reproduce, as doubtless my genes had already been spread among hundreds of offspring, and would have played a significant part in rebuilding the human race. However, I was concerned about my longer term prospects of survival.
‘Such licences as you mention can only be for a limited duration, what will happen to me at the end of the three months?’ I asked anxiously.
‘The licence states that you are to be destroyed at the end of that period in case it should endanger my next pregnancy. As far as I can see there will be two possibilities at the end of three months, but neither of them is particularly pleasant for you.’
‘I am sure that anything will be preferable to death. What are they?’
‘I can arrange with you to have lax security one night so that you can try to escape. I will delay notifying the authorities for several hours, but it would not reflect well on me and may impede my future career. I must also tell you that I don’t think you’ll be able to survive for long as an outlaw.
‘What is your other alternative?’
‘I can offer you a new life as a non-breeding female. I currently have one on my staff who is the same age as you. She has produced two grade 1 mutant offspring and so her licence to reproduce by means of AI has been revoked. For the last three years she has been responsible for looking after my wardrobe and my grooming, but is beginning to show signs of radiation sickness. I have no doubt that she will be dead within the six weeks. When that happens, it is my intention to cremate her body. I will then substitute you in to her place, and inform the authorities that you have been put down, providing her ashes as evidence, if required. I can therefore offer you rebirth as a female.’
‘Can that possibly work?’ I asked.
‘I believe so, but it will mean that from the time of your arrival tomorrow you must forget everything about ever having been a male, and learn how to live the remainder of your life as a non-breeding female. I have contacts in the medical profession that I can trust and can make arrangements for you to undergo surgery as soon as possible. Your build is also such that would help in the substitution. I believe that by the time of the substitution you should be virtually undistinguishable from a true female, at least for the purposes of outward inspection. You may consider this to be a drastic course of action, but it is the only way I can preserve your life.’
‘It is hardly more drastic than losing my life or trying to survive as an outlaw. I have no real choice but to accept your suggestion. It would mean that I could live the remainder of my natural life in relative comfort and security.’
‘Yes, but the degree of comfort and security will largely depend on how well you embrace your new gender.’
‘I will do my best, my sister,’ I replied.
‘Good. In two or three years’ time, once my breeding days are over, I intend to go into politics. I believe that the time will soon be right for the male sex to be allowed a more prominent, although still largely subservient, role in society. If you perform well in your new role and have not been discovered you will be able to assist me in that task.’
Note: I thought I would take advantage of the February Short Story competition to try writing in an entirely different genre. I hope my existing readers will not be disappointed. My novels will continue to be 'sweet and sentimental' Louise
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