---

It was the first football practice of summer and we were just having fun, throwing the ball around and stuff. I ran for a long one, turned... and a bike rack someone had pushed over from the parking lot tackled me.

When I stopped rolling and looked down at the odd feeling, everything... my foot, my leg... was wrong. The wrong way.

Cold and pain and a horrible, empty fear all came in a rush and I screamed and screamed as fast as I could breathe. I think I tried to make the bone go back in again.

Carson pulled me away, grabbed my arms and pushed me down flat on my back and started yelling, talking, telling me it was okay, just a break and please and I'd be okay and STOP MOVING! He almost laid down on me, pressing my arms into the ground, and I couldn't see anything, just him. He had scared eyes.

I heard "please."

He never talks. I almost listened, just to how much he was saying, all the words, the number of words... how, how he looked at me.

But the pain caught up in just a few seconds and I began to lose it again: how I had to move, and then moving was worse... and the cold... and I was so scared I couldn't breathe. Carson kept talking, breathing so I could feel it, and then I remembered to, and when I breathed I could stop screaming for a second, even with the pain.

Mrs. O'Connor was there. There were legs everywhere, faces. I remember hers because it was summer. I was bleeding. My leg was bent and twisted around, open. The bones....

I was so broken.

I cried. It didn't make me feel better, I just hurt in new places, in my chest and throat and face. I wasn't me any more. It felt like everything was over, like I was almost dead. Except Carson was there.

When someone brought a blanket to cover me, Carson finally let me go and I pressed my hands into my face while he still talked. I got blood in my eye.

-

They did first aid stuff. I couldn't stop sobbing and making noise at how horrible it felt, how I felt dead, not me... I was still crying when the ambulance came. Everyone saw.

----

It just got worse. The ER, Mom and then Dad coming, and into the hospital. Rooms and machines and pain and ceilings. They operated on my leg. Traction. A whole day of being so sick I wanted to die just from that. A bad infection, some specialist and another operation. More sickness. The horrible mechanical frame thing.

It was a really bad break and a worse recovery. I never felt good. I missed the first day of school. I missed everything. The more they said I was getting better, the worse I felt.

----

One day when they were telling us that I'd be going home soon, Carson knocked on the open door and peeked in. I think it was almost the first time I saw everything like it was all getting... I dunno, like a little better.

"Hey, clumsy!" He was holding a shiny balloon on a long ribbon.

"Hey, twinkletoes!" I grinned back, and at the balloon bouncing under the curtain rod thing around my bed, a puffy Hulk.

He gave me the balloon ribbon and plopped about ten magazines gently down on my bed and pulled up a chair. He plopped the magazines gently because vibrations could still make my teeth go loose sometimes.

"Lots more to read! The bike ones are from Jason and the old gaming ones from Mr. Jeffries." He looked over at the other bed and grinned. "Private room now?"

"He begged to be discharged right after you left yesterday, something about how he was afraid the big crazy guy would come back." The man had just been in for some two-day surgery and I was glad he was gone. He was really old and had moaned and cried and kept saying things to me that I couldn't understand and he was scary.

Lots of my roommates had been sick or moaned or made other disgusting noises. Most of them were really old men and all their visitors had been old too and sometimes it felt like I was in a room where people were put to die. But a lot of them made awful noises, or said things that didn't make sense or in other languages, and they were all scary or depressing to be next to.

I didn't moan or talk, I just cried. The nurses all told me it was normal for so much pain, but nobody else ever did before the last old man.

Everyone at the practice saw me cry.

I know it's stupid, and I had wrecked my knee and broken bones - one actually sticking out - but I still felt like a sissy. I knew what all the guys would say and that none of the girls would even talk to me again, and everyone would've heard about it.

I even worried about what Mrs. O'Connor would think, as if what the vice-principal thought was important, but it was.

When Carson had come by when I was out of recovery the first time, even though I was sick I'd been scared he'd make fun of me, but he didn't. Even when it happened more times, when I cried when it really hurt, he always said it was okay and he would too, if it were him. He even did once, when he held my hand almost like when it happened because I couldn't stay still from the pain. Nobody else was there, then.

But he'd seen me cry lots of times.

This time he smiled at me holding the balloon....

-

When we were alone he smiled different than at school, or around other people. Like when someone else was in the room, he didn't. And he hardly smiled at all at school. Sometimes people who didn't know him said he was always trying to look tough, but he smiles, a lot. And even if he is tough it doesn't mean he's mean.

We usually talked about normal things, like my day and what was happening around the ward (that I could see), and he told me about school and stuff, different than Brenda. We'd look through magazines and laugh and make wishes at the stuff in them or even read the good parts out loud, like 'Hey, listen to this!' Regular stuff.

-

Anyway, this time, after I said the docs said I might be going home soon, I just kept talking and talking. All day I'd been thinking a mile a minute and with him there, I talked. I let out some of the stuff I was afraid of, even a little, like that I'd never be able to walk right. Or the infection and all the things the doctors said....

How it almost seemed like even my mom and dad didn't even hear them, what the doctors said, the bad stuff. They were always so positive it was like they pretended.

And I told him that I was afraid to tell them about how scared I was, afraid they'd tell me to cheer up and then I'd have to lie. I was afraid that I'd scare them, how scared I was. How I thought different about myself, that being so afraid all the time was making me crazy or something.... That I had to lie all the time.

That they wouldn't be the same to me because maybe I didn't trust them any more... the same. I didn't know that, if that was true, but I felt like I didn't trust anything anymore. Couldn't.

-

Carson just watched me and let me talk. His eyes are almost like him talking, when he doesn't. I mean, like you can tell what he's thinking, or feeling or whatever, just from his eyes, a lot of the time. They looked like he understood.

After a while he put his hand on my leg, on the cast. When I ran out, or stopped for a while, he just sat there and thought. He didn't look happy or tell me to cheer up. He looked really unhappy, but he said he was okay.

-

Except for my sister, he always seemed like the only one who didn't tell me to cheer up, and I'd never told Val the worst stuff.

I knew he wouldn't tell on me, tell my parents stuff either. It was important, and he'd told me right at the beginning, almost the first time he visited me alone... like, it was okay if I wanted to feel bad.

I punched the pain machine and it beeped and whirred once and I felt a bit better after a few dozen heartbeats. It didn't cheer me up, but I hurt just then. Everything but my leg.

-

After a long while, a long time after I'd stopped, Carson asked if I still wanted to talk and I shook my head no. So he asked if he could talk to me and I nodded okay.

He just looked at me, like seeing if I looked like that too. After a minute or so he said he thought I should maybe tell Mom and Dad about some of it, that he thought they'd understand, but even if I didn't, he'd still be quiet about it if I wanted. And he said he thought maybe he'd feel the same as me if it happened to him, but it was hard to even imagine.

Then he was quiet. We were, I guess. He ran his finger up and down the edge of the cast, where the place for the dressings was, where it was open.

-

After a long time he told me just plain stuff, about the team and other things that were going on. Ordinary things. He kept his hand on my leg and it felt nice. Safe, maybe.

Sometimes when my eyes were closed I felt like my leg would do things, like shake or move, and when I looked, it wasn't. With his hand there, it didn't ever do that.

-

He never talked before, usually, just a few words, so it was pretty amazing how different he was. I wondered if he talked more at school too, or just with me. It was nice just watching him, or closing my eyes and listening when I got tired. I felt better, listening. And after what I'd told him... that he sounded the same.

-

Valerie came in with Aunt Lucy, who was visiting the city for the day, while Carson was telling about one time when his dad had crutches he wouldn't use after he sprained his ankle and instead he hopped everywhere on his good leg and made little 'ouch' noises all day and drove everyone crazy. It wasn't really a funny story, but it was funny to see him make faces.

He stopped when they came in and I introduced him to Aunt Lucy as "the one who laid on me when it happened" and then Valerie and Carson explained what that meant and I realized that it sounded like he was the one who hurt me. Or something.

They figured that out about an hour before I did. I actually couldn't even figure out what they were talking about for a while. Thirty minutes after the pain pump.

Drugs good. I watched them talk instead of listening.

-

I thought of something. That Carson was the only guy from school who came to visit me, except just once when some of the team came with the coach. Of all the girls, only Brenda came and she did almost every day, like Carson. She was almost like him, like my best friend too; but she was different, more like my sister, really.

I didn't have many friends, but those two were really good, Carson and Brenda. The guys on the team were just... not my friends. I mean, except for Jason sometimes. I didn't hang out with them, it was just that we did practices and played pick-up games and stuff. And Jason's a clown, like the joker of the team so most of the guys kinda thought he was useless, but he was nice, and funny, really.

He told Carson he was afraid of hospitals and told him stuff to tell me instead. He sent me lots of magazines too, some of them really weird, like old monster movie and anime fanzines and ladies' fashions.

I thought about Valerie too. I think it's different for a sister to be a friend, like she is. Carson's sister isn't, not like me and Val. They don't do anything together and Carson says she's always mad at something and never talks to him. They used to, but it changed like years ago. He really hates it, too, I can tell.

-

I had three really good friends, and felt like I had tons. I started to cry a bit. Drugs. Everyone was embarrassed. I was, anyway. I didn't even know what they were talking about. Carson and Val both said it wasn't anything, after.

----

Brenda came for a long visit on Friday when the team had a game. She skipped gym so she was early and she had all my homework for the weekend even though I really could hardly see straight most of the time. I was supposed to be keeping up but was completely behind.

Anyway, she seemed all serious and looked at me like I was sick or something. "You've really lost a lot of weight."

"Yeah. The dietician... Ms Taraska says maybe about thirty pounds." I looked at my arms.

"Aren't you eating enough? I mean, I could bring you some junk food, if it's okay, or if you're allowed? Is it just the hospital food?" She looked all over my face. I knew it looked bad too. And my hair always felt dirty.

"No, you don't have to. Mom and Dad already bring stuff, but I just can't eat very much... I mean, I don't, I can't seem to digest anything. Ms Taraska and the doctors say it's probably the infection and antibiotics but I'll be getting better, or more weight back, now...." I had to look at my hands. I hated my hands. They were all skinny, and shaking.

"Are... are you gonna be okay?"

I think she expected me to nod or smile or something, but I didn't think I was ever gonna to be okay ever again. Ever be the way I was.

-

I guess she was still scared when she left 'cause Carson came after the game and said she'd called him. I told him I was just afraid. He said he was too, really.

----

When they took the cast off, my skin looked like yellow and grey spoiled meat and the big incision that I hadn't been allowed to see before looked horrible, all red and purple and twisted and they had to give me a sedative stronger than the pain pump, only partly because it hurt so much without the cast. And it smelled.

They said it was healing well, all closed up.

They put on a closed fiberglass cast they promised would be much more comfortable. It seemed to feel bad almost right away, but everything they did ached worse when it was new.

-

They checked my circulation for another couple of days (no black toes) and that the infection was still gone (I wasn't hot and had a good blood test). Even with the horrible itching and it still hurting I could at least stand up a few minutes with crutches and use the bathroom, and I was finally allowed to go home.

I almost cried for joy, even if it hurt worse every day, but that was because I was off the pain pump and on these little pink pills.

----

Dad had to be at work and there was no way Mom was gonna be able to hoist me around by herself if I needed hoisting, so Valerie took the day off to help too.

I could really barely sit up by myself. Besides having basically not moved for two months, the little pills really knocked me out (and didn't do a very good pain job, compared). Mostly they seemed to make me all emotional.

Mom and Val were both trying so hard to make me feel safe I almost cried just from that, and I'd been thinking again all morning, all about friends, so I was kinda weepy already.

And I was scared, even if I didn't tell them. It felt as if my leg would break like a fluorescent tube and then I'd die. I know that's stupid, but it really felt that bad. Like the cast was all there was. I mean, like without a cast, in a second I'd just have broken pieces, or nothing.

So when I was finally standing up on one leg, after Val and the nurse helped me up, and after the ~pounding~ pain damped down a little, for a second anyway, I leaned over and hugged Valerie as hard as I could.

I don't think I've ever hugged my sister before in my life. I mean, she was surprised, and she kinda patted my back.

"Hey, umm...?" She stood back a step after I let go, still holding my arms for my balance, and looked pretty scared. "What's the matter?"

Until just then I hadn't really thought about it, about hugging her, what they'd think. I just did it and was suddenly hugely embarrassed. My eyes started to hurt and I turned around to grab at the wheelchair and try to sit down and pay attention and to feel better and think of what to say. What to think. I missed the chair and almost fell before they all grabbed me and I guess that distracted them.

-

What I was thinking, it was stupid and they wouldn't understand. ~I~ didn't, even. But I wanted to hug her, I mean, when I did, even if I didn't understand why I did something like... so different for me. If I'd thought about it that way, I wouldn't have.

I wanted to be back in the bed, not leaving. I wanted nobody to come and see me again, so I could cry. My emotions were all over the place. Like wanting to be alone.

I wanted Carson there so I could cry.

-

End of Part 1

(Reposted and revised)

----

I don't think I've ever hugged my sister before in my life. I mean, she was surprised, and she kinda patted my back.

"Hey, umm...?" She stood back a step after I let go, still holding my arms for my balance, and looked pretty scared. "What's the matter?"

Until just then I hadn't really thought about it, about hugging her, what they'd think. I just did it and was suddenly hugely embarrassed. My eyes started to hurt and I turned around to grab at the wheelchair and try to sit down and pay attention and to feel better and think of what to say. What to think. I missed the chair and almost fell before they all grabbed me and I guess that distracted them.

-

What I was thinking, it was stupid and they wouldn't understand. ~I~ didn't, even. But I wanted to hug her, I mean when I did, even if I didn't understand why I did something like... so different for me. If I'd thought about it that way, I wouldn't have.

I wanted to be back in the bed, not leaving. I wanted nobody to come and see me again, so I could cry. My emotions were all over the place. Like wanting to be alone.

I wanted Carson there so I could cry.

----

Val hardly talked to me after that, so it was bad. I couldn't do things right. Emotional things. Embarrassing my sister. By the time Mom turned into the driveway at home I was a complete wreck, besides the pain.

Moving my leg around, standing up too long, even the small bouncing in the car, all hurt more and more. With my leg across the seat, every bump was like it was being bashed with a hammer.

Feeling like I'd made a terrible mistake made it all hurt worse. Even being quiet. I was a liar when I just hummed or nodded at them, and I think they thought I was depressed or something, but I was just too tired to pretend any more.

We pulled into the driveway and Mom stopped and I rocked with the motion and made a noise. It was suddenly even worse than after the surgery, almost as bad as when it happened. I couldn't move. I couldn't get out. I couldn't do a thing.

They opened both back doors and Mom hugged me from behind and Valerie made some kind of sound I couldn't understand. It was just too much, too much feeling bad, and being home was worse than anything right then.

Mom asked if I needed to go back to the hospital? She asked over and over, I think, and I began to feel like I was scaring them, or saw that I was, and after a few minutes I wiped at my eyes and started to get more... composed, I guess. If I was really still, it was better.

I said no, no hospital, I knew that would really scare them. They talked and Valerie ran to get a glass of water and Mom hugged me. She asked if I was okay, what was wrong, and I had to think just to hear her. I finally asked if I could talk later? She hugged me the same and said as long as I was okay.

Valerie came with the water and I had a pill just as Carson pulled up. It was just after school, and he knew I was getting out, and it was a good thing he came over.

He's stronger than both of them together and he lifted me out of the car backwards while Valerie crawled through it supporting my leg, and Mom let it gently down to the ground when it finally was free.

Even with all that support and being careful, it hurt like... I was in agony. As soon as I was almost vertical, my whole leg started to feel like it was splitting open, pressing out of the cast, like a huge pressure.

Carson pretty well carried me into the house, I had to sit or lie down so much. After rests on the porch, the couch, on the stairs, a rest in the hall, and finally onto my bed, I was crying again from the pain.

Carson stood back like he wasn't supposed to be there. Maybe because Mom was fussing over me and my leg and pillows and asking if I was cold, and did I need anything? Or maybe because Valerie was there almost the same way. Or just because I was in bed. Even after the hospital. It was different, I guess.

But anyway, as I started to feel better, I noticed more that he standing away from us, looking at the floor.

I had to thank him. Them. About being my friends. I had to tell Val why I hugged her. I had to talk to Mom and Dad. My head was spinning in circles, but I needed to. The pain was almost gone right then and I had to. Right then.

I guess I made a noise because Mom and Val sat up or something, and Carson looked up. He was really serious and I was suddenly nervous, so I looked down and closed my eyes. Away. But I was still going to say it, so I had to stop that. I looked back.

Mom looked angry. Carse looked embarrassed or something. Valerie hadn't smiled since the hug. None of them were right.

I still tried. Stupid me.

"I... thanks...."

They all moved at once, just an inch, or a twitch, and were almost funny they looked so relieved. That I wasn't announcing I was having a stroke or something, maybe. But I could see they didn't understand what I meant, and it just made it harder.

"I mean...." It sounded so stupid. No. It didn't. It wasn't. But it was still hard. They stopped again when I decided I had to finish.

"Val?" She was sitting at the foot of my bed. I looked her right in the eyes for a second. Something else different. I only looked at Carson before.

"I mean... I, I wanted to say thanks for being... a great sister...." I looked back at her eyes.

She looked all weird for a second and then she smiled and leaned over and pressed on my hand. "Thank you. You're a great brother too."

I knew from the feeling in my face I was going to get teary again so I looked at my hands, and hers, and then after a couple of breaths I looked at Carson.

He looked away. I could tell he was hugely uncomfortable, and boys didn't say stuff like this, and then he looked back at me. I remembered right then that I'd forgotten his Hulk balloon in the hospital.

"The..." The balloon didn't matter! I only realized that after I started. I tried to smile, and not at how stupid I was.

"Thanks, too. Really, really."

"You're welcome." He switched to a small, jokey grin, even with sad eyes. "But it's a good thing you've lost weight."

I tried to think. He thought for the car, for helping me in. I looked right at his face. What I wanted to say. "No...."

He looked all upset all of a sudden, for a tiny second, and I couldn't say it. It was just too embarrassing to say to a guy, even Carson, in front of Valerie and Mom, anyways, maybe ever.

Thanks for holding me.

But he knew, I thought, because of what I said to Val, even if it was different, so then I already... had.

It felt awful.

That I couldn't say it. That I even wanted to. That I knew he'd hate me if I said it. That I felt like I was going to hurt him just by saying it. That he knew.

I looked at my hands and the cast and my bare toes sticking out and heard him leave. I looked up at the door way too late, at Mom, and down at my cast again. Mom looked so sad.

----

Mom and Dad and Brenda and Val all said he was just busy or something, but he didn't come over the next day, or the next.

I thought he wouldn't ever again. I even understood, but it still felt like... well, the pain in my leg helped. I'd twist it a little bit and the pain made me feel better, as dumb as that sounds. I didn't eat, I'd hurt myself on purpose and then I wouldn't want to.

----

Two days later, two days after I came home, I woke up and Carson was sitting in one of the chairs Dad had brought in. Brenda was there too, leaning in the doorway, and she mouthed hi at me.

Carson wasn't smiling, and I couldn't either. It was quiet and I didn't want to say anything worse than I had already.

-

I'd thought about how I'd embarrassed him, and me, and how I might be if someone I liked did it to me, and I didn't know. It was hard to think straight. It was hard to think like I used to. Like I was supposed to. Carson was... special.

And I felt like I'd lost one of the only three good friends I'd ever had. The best one. When he hadn't come around I figured that he'd avoid me from then on and so even school would be worse than just being called a sissy for crying. I'd thought about how he'd been the one who helped me and now he wouldn't even talk to me. I quit the team in my head, and thought about leaving school. I knew I couldn't stand to even see him if he wouldn't be my friend. Wasn't. How it could happen....

I'd thought about starving to death, since I already was.

-

But not then, because they were there. He was there.

I pushed myself upright a little more, or tried to without moving my leg or hip too much. Brenda stepped over to stuff more of the pillows behind me and Carson looked like he would too for a second, but he sat back.

He didn't smile either, just watched us, kinda sad. Not in my eyes. He didn't look in my eyes and it scared me, made him being there scary, that he didn't smile or look at me.

But him being- that he came, I had to find out if I'd been right, if he wasn't my friend any more. Him being there. I didn't think so, any more, or hoped not, but I had to find out. It hurt to have... to have both things possible.

Brenda tiny-punched the pillows a last time and said "good?" and I mumbled a thanks and looked down at my leg. She went around and sat on the bed beside me and looked at Carson too, I guess. He looked at his hands.

Maybe he didn't look like he was mad or unhappy at anyone. Maybe just thinking. And if he was mad he wouldn't have come over.... It's why I thought he'd left, mostly. Mad, or disgusted, or whatever the word would be. But he was there.

"Carse?"

He looked up like he was still thinking, and he didn't look mad at all. And he looked in my eyes, almost.

"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you." My voice was strange. It's what I wanted to say, what I'd thought about saying, if I could. It was the easiest way I could think of to say it, so he'd understand. It was still hard.

But all of a sudden he looked like whatever he'd been thinking was gone and he smiled. A really normal, regular little smile, at me. It was all I wanted and I smiled too. Not so little.

"You didn't. It's okay." He talked about as much as he usually does. Did, before. Meaning, he stopped and just sat there. He didn't say why he'd been away two days, but he kept smiling at me and I felt like I'd just had ten little pink pills. And smiled back.

Brenda carried on most of the conversation after that.

----

He came over every day after school, just like at the hospital, even on practice days. Brenda still came most days too, sometimes with Carson, and Valerie usually sat with us when she was home, too.

We talked about just stuff again: my leg and school and TV and movies and magazines and music: stuff. They studied. I listened to them and watched them and fell asleep a lot. Carson started kinda tutoring me, just to keep me awake, and Val left when he did 'cause she couldn't study then. Brenda joined, if she was there and it was one of her classes.

----

It was fifteen more days after he came back before I could finally go back to school. I mean, it took that long before I could just sit in a chair long enough that Mom and Dad thought I could ~maybe~ go. One hour in a stretch, one class at a time.

You couldn't really use a wheelchair in our school because of fire regulations and I still couldn't get around very well on crutches, and standing still was an exercise in not-so-slow torture because my leg would start to hurt bad almost immediately and just kept getting worse the longer I stayed still, upright. On my best day I was in bad pain after about five minutes on my feet, even moving. On my worst I was afraid to even sit up and it felt like my leg was cut open to the bone.

I told everyone I was way better than that. I told the doctor almost the same thing, except I said the pain was bad, but I could take it. I had different words for when he touched around the cast than it really felt, too.

School was gonna be hard but I was going crazy at home. I tried to eat more to show I was better and never told anyone that I threw it up sometimes, too. Except once Val helped me clean up, so I guess she knew.

And I was more afraid of what they'd say in school than I was of the pain. Only that Carson was gonna be there made it better than a really bad idea.

----

Carson came over on the big morning and had a coffee while Mom worried out loud. Valerie just smiled at all of us 'cause she sort of knew more than anyone else how I really was and still thought it was okay to try. Besides, she likes being more in the know than everyone else.

Mom had been saying for two days that she thought I was rushing things, and I guess Dad too, really. When I said I still wanted to, he'd say stuff like, "You know you can stay home longer, or come home and try again if you need to."

Dad's almost as quiet as Carson is usually and that's all he said about it, but I kinda knew what he meant, that he was guy-scared, like he wouldn't say. I always told him I was scared but I wanted to try? He'd started to hug me again, since I came home, mostly for that, I think.

Anyway, at breakfast Mom went on and on about how I didn't have to go and I could call if I needed to and I had to see the school nurse because she was expecting me and I needed to leave my pills with her anyway, and so on. All the stuff I already knew, so I guess she was still really worried.

Heck, I was too. But Carson was on my side, too, besides Val, maybe because I hadn't told him ~exactly~ how much it still hurt, just how I was so bored.

He finally finished and took my pack and Mom hovered and he held my elbow all the way to his car. I slid in across the back seat and Mom and Valerie both waved goodbye like I was going off to war instead of high school. We both waved goodbye back, and we were off. Slowly.

I made a noise when we stopped for a light 'cause side to side movement was ~really~ painful.

"You okay?" Carse kept his eyes on the road and put one arm over the seat, like nearer me.

"Uh-huh." I was pretty okay. I was out of the house anyway. I could breathe, almost.

"You sure?" At a light, he twisted back just for a second and touched my leg.

I didn't know how to answer that, I mean, how could I? My leg hurt a lot even sitting there, a little more upright than I was used to. Getting out to and into the car had been really bad and I was worried about moving around all day.

"I'm okay, I guess."

I guess it was enough. I even sounded normal if I only talked for one breath. He patted my leg and drove again.

----

When we got to the school Carson drove right into the teacher's parking lot and up to the side doors and parked at the curb, half-blocking the lane.

By the time he had helped me out and onto my feet a teacher had driven up and was watching us and waiting for Carse to at least close the car door, I thought, but instead she got out and held the school door open for us and asked if I was okay? Carson answered something.

Once I got in, he eased me onto a chair in the hall and I breathed hard and tried to cool down while he went to park. I wondered if maybe it'd been a totally bad idea, if it was that hard just to go, what, fifty feet? And just to sit? I hadn't even thought about how small and hard the chairs were. I had to sit right at the edge to let the cast clear it, and the edge pinched.

My heart clenched when a girl pushed open the door and walked by too close to my leg, scared she'd kick it. Even the idea made me feel sick-cold.

Carson touched my shoulder and I jumped. "You okay?" He knelt down on one knee so I could see his face and I guess I didn't look very good, from the way ~he~ looked.

"You have to go see the nurse."

He said it like I didn't have any say, but I wasn't going to argue. If I were home, I'd've been taking a pink pill, another one, and going to bed. I wished I was in bed. He shouldered our packs and helped me up and I got my crutches under my arms.

By the main corridor, just a hundred feet, I knew I wasn't going to make it. My leg was screaming and I felt sick. I was going to say....

Suddenly I was bouncing in the air and the pain was coming in sharp spikes. Some kid said... something....

I was floating. Carson answered, said words, but not at me.

I forget after that.

----

I ~should~ have taken a pink pill like I ~usually~ did in the morning.

I ~should~ have ~told~ him when I was ~starting~ to hurt.

That's what Carson said, and the nurse said.

It's what Mom said, after she came to take me home. And she said I shouldn't have even tried going back so early.

-

But I didn't want to fall asleep in school, so I didn't take a pill, and I ~had~ to come back, and I hadn't known I was going to hurt so much without the stupid drugs....

And I didn't know that it'd happen so fast, so how was I supposed to say, to tell him, or ~anyone~ that it was happening!? So ~fast~, I mean?

Another week at home, or longer, probably. And I wasn't really hurting too badly by then, since I'd taken a pill and they really acted fast even if they weren't all that good, and it all seemed so hopeless, like I couldn't do anything right, or to make it better, or... anything.

I was gonna cry if I thought about it another minute.

-

"Well...." Carson sounded different than all the other talking that was going on. And louder. "He's alright now."

I looked up, and Mom was getting angry, or ready to argue, and the nurse was about to say something, and Carson was smiling like everything was normal.

"I am!"

Mom looked at me, and she ~was~ getting mad.

"Really! I feel great, I mean, the pill and all, and I do!" I didn't really feel that ~great~ exactly, but I was a bit better, as good as before we even got in the car, and I sure ~wanted~ to stay. I tried to smile like Carson.

"Really!"

----

Carson volunteered to escort me ~everywhere~ and if he couldn't, he said he'd get Brenda, and then she would. (I don't know what she was supposed to do if I passed out in the boys' room. Maybe phone Carse. It was his idea after all. I didn't mention that thought.)

It took fifteen minutes and me still looking okay, but they finally said I had to go to the nurses' office during football practice and rest there until Carse got free. And I had to tell him or whoever if I got in too much pain or was even ~suspicious~ I was going to faint or pass out or lose it. And I had to take another pill at lunch, even if I felt okay and ~even~ if I'd probably need a nap in the afternoon. Oh, and I ~had~ to take a nap in the nurses' office if I needed one.

But I could stay.

This time Mom hugged me goodbye like I was going for my first day of kindergarten. Which, considering I was prolly gonna have an afternoon nap, felt about right.

-

End of Part Two

(Reposted and revised)

----

It took fifteen minutes and me still looking okay, but they finally said I had to go to the nurses' office during football practice and rest there until Carse got free. And I had to tell him or whoever if I got in too much pain or was even ~suspicious~ I was going to faint or pass out or lose it. And I had to take another pill at lunch, even if I felt okay and ~even~ if I'd probably need a nap in the afternoon. Oh, and I ~had~ to take a nap in the nurses' office if I needed one.

But I could stay.

This time Mom hugged me goodbye like I was going for my first day of kindergarten. Which, considering I was prolly gonna have an afternoon nap, felt about right.

----

Sitting in class was painful, but the pill was fresh. It usually worked pretty well for an hour or so. I hardly remember anything after about eleven. Or lunch, I think.... I remember we ate in the hall outside the offices so I could stretch out on a couch, which we usually aren't supposed to eat on, or put our feet on either. So that was lunch. I think.

----

Carson was shaking me, waking me to go home, he said. He was looking straight down at me from like five inches and I was all confused about where I was, which was the nurses' office, that I finally noticed, or remembered or something.

He grinned really weird-happy while he helped me up and with my crutches and said thank you for us to the nurse.

I was still all fuzzy, but I finally noticed him, his grin. "What're you looking like that for?" I had to ask, because he looked funny.

He smiled more normally, but barely, and walked funny. Like he skipped a step. "You'll hear about it tomorrow...." He laughed at my starting to get mad face or something, 'cause he looked at me.

"Well, okay. You fell asleep on the couch and we couldn't get you to really wake up, like you are after, after two pills?" He was grinning his head off. "So I carried you to the nurses' room."

"Huh?" He'd carried me before. He carried me in the morning. He ducked and hopped away from me like I was going to hit him with a crutch, and smiled from over there. I thought, oh... asleep....

I remembered holding his neck.

I was out of breath, just like a punch-

I stopped and almost fell. Too quick, braced on my crutches, I swayed and tried to get Carson, to tell him....

"Wh... wait!"

He looked back and his grin disappeared. I was totally winded, and panicking. My hip was jerking, almost out of control, or it felt that way, the way the pills made me feel like I was moving when I wasn't. It was like that, but standing it was way worse, way scarier.

Carson was beside me all of a sudden and sorta pulled one crutch away and... one arm under my legs, cast stuck way out, one under my back... he stood up and I was in his arms, still shaking inside.

"Drop your crutch." He said it like he knew, and I sure didn't and I was scared, so after a second I let go and he stood up a bit straighter, or leaned back more, and gave me a little bounce and he was breathing a bit deep, but just breathing. He even had a little grin again.

And I wasn't scared any more and the shaky thing stopped, just like that.

"Are you better now?" He even sounded almost normal. I nodded.

"Then relax and enjoy the ride." He grinned a big, cheesy one. I kinda... I was ~really~ aware of my arms, of what I remembered they felt like before, and him... but I kept them inboard and was... amazed.

I mean, I wasn't ~little~ and he was really carrying me! And just walking. It was the first time I could see how strong he really was, even from before. And it was different from the time at home or from the morning, maybe because I wasn't hurting, really. It was totally different.

He backed into the exit door push bar and eased my leg through and stepped outside and slowed way down and took really deliberate steps down to the sidewalk and put me on a smokers' bench and stood up all slowwww, and I could tell he was trying to breathe normally, so I wouldn't see. He looked totally amazing.

He waited a few breaths. "I'll get our stuff," and hopped up the steps and inside.

I just looked. Totally amazing. My leg hurt less, better than in the hall, and I was breathing okay, but blown away. Carson.

The door banged open and he came through in one big stride. He looked at me a second just like the nurses in the hospital all did, and then he smiled.

"I'll get my car, okay?"

----

"I guess I shouldn't come tomorrow...."

"What? Why not!?" He sounded surprised. I thought I shouldn't have even said it.

"To school. I shouldn't go, I-"

"Yes you should! You were ready to take up finger-painting at home!"

"But I about passed out this morning and at lunch I did. And now I couldn't even get to your car-"

"You didn't take a ~pill~ this morning and the, the two pills thing was all that happened at lunch, and you were just tired now, and nobody but Nurse Ratchitt thinks you're too sick or whatever to be there, and she just wants nobody in her perfect room."

He didn't like Nurse Hamilton, the morning one, for some reason. He said she was useless, even if I thought she was the same.

But he'd made another long speech. Sentence. Whatever. Three in a week. Maybe four. Almost like back in the hospital.

"And you'll be that much better, I mean, more healed or in better shape tomorrow, too." He talked at the road as he drove and sounded like he wasn't as regular as he wanted to sound. Like when he was carrying me.

"Mom'll never let me...." I wanted to think he was right, but I was realistic, too.

"But she did this morning, and sleeping was what you were ~supposed~ to do anyway, wasn't it?" He sounded like he was smiling, then. He sounded right, too. And different.

----

Mom was really unhappy that I slept the whole afternoon. Dad was ~especially~ unhappy.

But Carson said it was the two pills, not that it was too hard or I was still too weak or anything, and I guess it worked 'cause they said I could go back.

Dad still sat with me on the couch like he was afraid I'd disappear or something.

-

Carson stayed for supper and Brenda came over to do homework after and Valerie came up to my room

to study too, even though she usually said we were too noisy. Practically every chair that'd fit was in there, and the den coffee table.

Either Carson or Brenda had just taken everything already, so my math homework always went really fast, but catching up on all the rest was still gonna be a bear. I looked at the markers in all my texts, where I was and where I had to read to.

"Hey? What's wrong?" Carson wiggled my good leg and looked at me like I was going to fall down again, which was unlikely, being as I was lying on my bed. Val looked at him like he'd just said something really serious, or bad. I looked back and he was just normal.

"Just all the work...." I pointed out how much I had to read, to make up. I waved at it, anyway.

"But you have to the end of the year and that's only gonna be a few extra pages a week homework, isn't it?" He sounded like it was okay and squeezed my ankle.

"But all the tests and papers and stuff are before then, and-"

"They don't expect you to be caught up for those, do they!?" Brenda looked mad.

Carson shook his head and sounded sure. "They don't. Mrs. Jaworski said you just had to read the second book with us, and she'd do a special test for the play. And I know most of them are just gonna make you do special makeup tests, for official marks and stuff, and forget what you missed in class, the discussions and all that." Then he went from normal to really serious in a second.

"But you're gonna flunk phys ed for sure."

Valerie snorted and Brenda made as if to slug him and he laughed at all of us. "Okayokay, you don't even need it if you've got a medical thing, which I think might be pretttt-ty easy to get...." He patted my leg.

"So how come you know all this?" Val smiled funny at me and asked Carse, I thought.

"I asked." Carse smiled at me like she was an idiot and waggled my good foot to make it flop around.

----

I got about one day closer to catching up, I guess. Maybe a Sunday.

----

"I'll come pick you up a little earlier tomorrow, okay?" Carson was generally getting ready to go.

I guess Brenda decided to finish up too, 'cause she sorta marked her place and closed the play book. "I'll come over too, okay? About seven thirty?"

"No."

We all looked at Valerie and she grinned back, just at Carson. Her sense of humor is weird sometimes.

"Carson and little brother need some... alone time."

I followed Val's and Brenda's eyes and Carson was as red as a beet and trying to look busy, and not at us, and not answer. I didn't even know what.

"It's okay." Valerie said it really softly.

I stared at Carson, trying to think of what he was red about, or what Valerie meant. He closed his eyes, hard, and stopped packing. Stopped everything. My heart jumped, a really bad feeling.

"It's okay." Valerie touched at Carson and then smiled at me in a really different way. Not bad, but different. I mean, different than she ever had before, maybe. And she kept looking right at me while she walked out and shut the door. She shut it really quietly.

Before the door closed, I saw Brenda in the hall looking at us, and I never even saw her move. My heart was still pounding.

Carse just stood there, like frozen, still red, and he looked like he should've been breathing hard but he wasn't. He almost wasn't breathing at all.

Val said "alone time" and he turned red. And didn't say no. And the girls left, and he stayed. But he was going....

She said it was okay. What was okay? I was totally scared and had ~no~ idea why. It was like he was away again, like before, and like I had to give him reasons to stay?

A whole bunch of things went through my head, about his talking so much, and carrying me, and smiling. He carried me when I was asleep. I thought how we must've looked, like a picture.

He hadn't said no or anything to Valerie. And she smiled... it wasn't bad... like it was something good. I remembered Brenda had smiled when Val said it, too. I didn't remember seeing her, just that she smiled.

My heart stayed fast, but not as bad. Maybe even okay... good. It was going like a drum.

"Carse?" I tried to say it softly but he still got tense. "Are... is it... okay?"

I guess that didn't make enough sense to make him more upset because he just looked at me and got a little more human-colored. I couldn't figure out his face, but he was really scared, besides whatever else.

"Are you okay?" I remembered how much he'd asked me the same thing.

He shook his head yes and no and looked at his hands. They were shaking. He sat down hard, too. "I guess...."

It was like something bad was happening, but not bad. I couldn't think of anything really bad, even him carrying me, if that was bad. Valerie had laughed.... I knew lots of guys who'd pound on anyone who did that, or make it dirty. I didn't, wouldn't, him....

That was the bad. It was me.

Would ~he~ think that was bad, that I didn't? Even though he did it? Even after the... the thing, was he embarrassed?

"Carson? I'm sorry.... What's wrong?" I tried to ask as gently as I could. I was afraid what he'd say, as if asking quietly would help.

He started to turn red again and I'd asked wrong, and it ~was~ the thing, me. My head started roaring again.

Carson's a big guy, a defensive lineman. Not the biggest guy on the team, but in the top few. He normally says about ten words in an hour and when he smiles it's worth more than with almost any other people laughing out loud because he....

I suddenly realized how I was thinking of him, how I had before, about being my friend. And how it meant more that he was blushing - he wasn't red, he was ~blushing~ -- and still sitting with me, even if something was maybe wrong.

How ~everything~ about him meant more than I'd ever thought about before. I had to rewind and play again.

Holy... cow.

Holy ~cow~. Or maybe he was like I was... trying... no.

He wasn't- Valerie wasn't talking about being friends. He was already that, more than anyone. Being alone with me. With him. He wanted to be alone with me, she said. Did she? And Brenda went with her. No. She said ~we~ wanted... needed? alone time.

I needed Val back.

"Carson?" I still tried to be quiet. Not scare him. Not scare ~me~, more like it.

He made a small question noise. It was what he normally did instead of talking and it made me smile. It was like I could ask without anything bad happening. I had just the right question, too.

"Ahh.... ~Do~ you want to be," I took a breath, "... alone, with me?"

As soon as I said it I had to add, "It's really okay with me."

I tried to be serious and harmless. And then not smile, as if I could figure out how harmless looked with a guy who was so bigger and stronger than me and knew I wouldn't anyway. But I tried to look like I wouldn't get mad, or laugh.... Or worse things if there were any. But I wasn't scared any more.

He stared at the door. For a long time. Minutes.

I liked that sometimes he hardly said anything, even if it wasn't always good, so I waited. Even though this time it seemed like it might for sure not be good. But I knew he'd say something. And it didn't ~seem~ bad, which was why it was my bad.

And if he didn't say anything, we were still alone together. I smiled at that. Maybe that's what Val meant. I didn't think so, but I smiled at the idea. That he wanted to be with me alone so we could be as quiet as he wanted and I could practice waiting.

I still thought it was more about how he smiled lately. It was a different smile, really nice....

"."

I looked at his face again instead of his hands and he was looking at my cast, thinking of words and nearly there. Like he was usually, like talking was harder than it was, for him. He was red, too. I waited, watching. He was easy to watch. He took a breath.

"I really, ummm, liked, liked...." He stopped for like a whole minute, and looked straight down.

"I liked carrying you." He looked at me for the smallest amount of time possible.

I think he still saw my smile because he smiled at my cast a little. I just ~knew~ it was about that, good or bad. Or that too. And it was good. I waited for a few seconds because he might've continued.

"Why?" I asked it like it wasn't even a mystery to me. Like a teacher, like I already knew the answer? He moved this time before he talked, sat more facing the wall so he couldn't see my face even if he did look up.

"I dunno." He looked at his lap or something and then back so he could see me, even though he still didn't look. "I dunno."

He never had trouble talking before, he just didn't talk as much. He squeezed his eyes shut.

He... it was what he was going to say. It wasn't ~really~ the carrying thing. He was scared. Of what I'd do. Or what I'd think. Or say. He was scared of what he was going to say.

"I wish I could've been awake."

I didn't think, but it was true, and something I'd been afraid to tell him, teasing an' stuff, even though there wasn't any. He hadn't teased me, but I thought before that he might, if I said.

"I liked you carrying me, after school." I had to smile because that was the short version, for sure.

He looked at me straight in the eyes for a second and then at his hands and then he took a huge breath.

"Do you ever think about all the stuff... you'd like to say... but you can't?"

He said it like it was something he'd thought about for a long time. But like it was because of what I just said, too. He looked at me again and he was nearly crying at whatever it was.

I nodded. For sure. Right at that second my leg cramped a bit. He ducked back down again and wiped at his eyes.

"I want to tell you something... really... private. Okay?" He was quiet. Almost whispering. And shaking.

I could see his hands shake even though he was holding them tight. I didn't want to move and scare him, but I couldn't reach him either, laying like I was. And If I moved wrong my leg would cramp 'cause I could feel the beginning of it in my thigh. I had to concentrate to ignore it, to stay really relaxed and just listen.

"Okay."

I couldn't say it any quieter. I was sure whatever he said would be okay. I had a sudden idea what, and it was. I just had to be still. He shook even more and his hands were hard fists.

"I...." He tried again and looked at me quick and ducked again. He looked awful. "Please, just... don't...."

He scrunched up his face and looked at his own chest and then at me.

I must've looked almost as bad, because I'd never seen him like that, ever. I wanted to make it better, the way Mom or Dad used to. Almost without thinking I made the arm thing for come give me a hug.

Or let me give you a hug.

He made a hard jerk, like someone kicked him.

----

He cried like it hurt more than anything, like every breath was pain. And he tried to hide, as if I shouldn't see even when I was holding onto him and trying to help.

I thought that... that it was the same as when he carried me. Not like word-thoughts, but like feelings.

----

He finally stopped after about ten minutes, even though I could tell he stopped just by forcing himself, not because it was over or that he felt any better. I held him as tightly as I could and he held onto himself and my arm. Then he took like a shuddering breath and sat up more, away.

"This is the hardest thing I'm ever going to do in my whole life...."

I think he whispered because that was all the voice he had left.

"I... I... think...." He took another breath and tried to stop shaking. Then another one, and then he stopped breathing and scrunched his eyes hard shut. It was so quiet and low I almost couldn't hear, except when he gasped for air.

"I f-f-f-f-feel like a... like a... like I'm... a... a... g-g-girl."

He ducked away like I was going to hit him and let go of my arm but stayed on the bed, even if he leaned away. Even if I kept my hand on his arm.

I was... surprised.

Dumb word.

I thought maybe he'd ask if I was gay, or in the last few minutes, say he was, or bi or something, or that he - I'd just thought gay.

I guess guys always think that's the worst thing. The biggest thing. But I didn't.

Girl wasn't bad at all. I didn't feel anything like hate or anger or that stuff like we were supposed to with gay. But I wouldn't with gay, either. Just surprised, it was so... new.

Girl. ~Wow~.

He thought I was going to hurt him!

I slowly pulled him back and he slowly came, still hiding, almost to where he'd been when he cried, and I hugged him. He didn't hold my hand this time.

I whispered the first question I had that didn't feel bad in any way. It felt like a really good question. It felt like a real one, too.

"What's it feel like?"

----

He didn't have the words, really. He thought there weren't even words that weren't bad, that anyone else would say....

"I mean, I don't know how I can even know... I mean, what anyone feels like...." He blushed more. "But, all my life... I've thought about it."

He got even redder. Like it was the worst thing ever, again. I could barely hear him.

"I used to dress up."

He looked at me, I think to see if I was sneering, from his face. Like he knew I'd hit him. Like he'd said it so I would.

But I wasn't. Didn't. I'd already thought that he must've, some time, probably lots, if he felt like a girl. And he had a sister, like just a year younger, and his mother. And he only started to get big in junior high. It was strange, but not bad. Maybe funny. If I was a girl, I would have. It would've been fun if I was a girl.

"In Jerri's things?" I tried to ask it like a regular question but he acted like I spit on him and jerked a bit away. I hugged him harder and leaned my head on his arm.

"What's wrong? I didn't mean anything. I think it's okay, kinda neat...." My leg jumped.

He shook his head. Shook off my hug, almost. "I'm a freak." He said it like "shit."

"I'm a freak."

Suddenly I saw that he wasn't as scared of me as he was of... as he hated it. And he thought I should too... hate him. I got angry that he could be so... so stupid!

"No! You're not any... freak! Don't say that!" I tried to pull him around so I could make him look at me, so he'd stop hiding, and I suddenly thought of something and said it really fast.

"You, you you remember what I said? What I said about when I came home, about you and Val?" I punched him in the hug. He had to listen.

"You're my best friend! And Brenda and Val and you're all I have and you're NOT A FREAK!!"

There was a terrible pain in my throat. If he hated himself, he wasn't... he thought he was worthless.

"You're n-n-not a f-f-f-f-free-eak-k...."

I could hear Mom and Val at the door, kinda calling us, but it was Dad who opened the door a second later, before I could say anything to them, or Carson could get better, or anything.

Dad looked in, and then he came in and held the door mostly closed. He looked at us for a moment and I could feel Carson absolutely freezing. Shivering and as stiff as... anything.

"They're both okay. Could you please... wait downstairs?" He looked in the hall a few seconds and then closed the door and sat in one of the chairs, the farthest from us. He looked so serious, like we were in trouble.

"Are you two okay?"

I was almost jerking from the pain in my leg and crying from Carson, and he was not-crying and hiding and... he was terrified.

Dad was quiet and calm and looked in my eyes, and at Carson too. He wasn't mad.

I tried to nod, but I hugged Carse harder. I knew he wasn't and he was almost shaking off the bed, big shudders. I knew he was so afraid Dad would say what he was afraid of... that he'd heard, that anyone had.

"Are you alright, son?" At Carson. Dad never called me that.

I closed my eyes and held him as hard as I could, nodding, wishing. Carson didn't answer.

"I heard, outside...." Dad was quiet, but really, I don't know, forceful? "I have to ask something." He paused. Carson made a jerky shiver.

"Son? Have you thought about hurting yourself?"

Carson shook even worse and I squeezed my eyes tighter shut as if that would make my arms stronger. He'd never hurt... hurt?

I remembered all the thoughts I had. Did.

My leg stabbed and I made a noise even though I tried so hard not to, but it was at the point where I couldn't stop. My leg, my hip, jerked tight and then my foot and I screamed, it was so....

I wasn't holding him anymore, couldn't do anything but try to reach my leg, and he was so... afraid... that I'd hate him....

And I let him go, let him down. Her. Like she was afraid of.

----

Strong arms held me and made my back straighter and lifted my leg so it would swell less and Carson wasn't leaving or going to hurt himself, he was holding my back and my face and telling me it was okay. Like before.

----

Dad drove Carson home to talk to his folks and Mom and Valerie and Brenda changed the sheets on my bed while I took stupid bath with an inch of water in the tub because the doctors said I couldn't get under my cast wet. I never felt clean and it hurt to have my leg up on the ledge. And I'd peed my bed.

I felt like I was bleeding inside. Like I was gonna pee again and have no control at all. Like nothing was... like nothing was okay in my body any more. And my head was ~all~ over the place.

-

If Carson thought he was a girl, if he felt like one, then how did he see me? I mean, what did that make me? Did he think I was like him? I didn't think so, from what he said, but I still wondered what he thought. He'd just said he thought, what he felt like. And that he felt like a freak.

I didn't feel like a girl. I mean, the idea never came into my head before, like Carson'd said. I never dressed up, except dress-up games when I was like five or six, I think, and I hardly even remembered them. I always thought I was a boy... I still did.

But I might be gay. After what I... thought. And crying. I don't know, but I was different than I thought before. Maybe that was what he was talking about too. No, he didn't, ~I~ thought it....

And Dad seemed like it was okay with me holding Carse and us both crying. He seemed really normal. Not happy, but not like mad at me, or us.

He wouldn't be, if I was gay. Happy. Or maybe he would if he did think that, I mean okay about holding. And Carse was normal... it was just hard.

He never said anything about me. ~I~ was the one thinking it.

-

I was just thinking about me. Some friend. Carson just did the hardest thing in his whole life and all I could think is what ~I~ am. He was a girl.

He didn't say he ~was~ a girl, just he felt like one.... But I- it was like he was a girl, to me. For some reason, after he said it.... It wasn't about Jerri's clothes or anything. That musta been years and years ago. It wasn't clothes.

Like things... like it was.... He said he didn't have words. She said. All the words I had were confused.

Not all of them. She. I had to smile. She.

Carson was a girl.

----

I wrapped the towel around my waist and called out for Mom and Val and they both helped me out. Talk about embarrassing, it's having to be helped out of a tub by your mom and sister with only a wet towel for cover, only 'til it falls off... after a bath to clean off pee.

Or being dried by your Mom while you lie down almost exhausted from just... getting up and lying down.

It wasn't the first time, and it was okay, they said.

I was the only 17-year old in school with a plastic sheet. And... well, worse stuff.

-

End of Part 3

(Revised and reposted)

----

He didn't say he ~was~ a girl, just he felt like one.... But I- it was like he was a girl, to me. For some reason, after he said it.... It wasn't about Jerri's clothes or anything. That musta been years and years ago. It wasn't clothes.

Like things... like it was.... He said he didn't have words. She said. All the words I had were confused.

Not all of them. She. I had to smile. She.

Carson was a girl.

----

I sat up....

There was the thump-thump of two car doors, so Carson was probably back with Dad. I relaxed a little bit.

I'd been thinking more, about what Dad said... about Carson hurting himself. That that was why he asked if Carse wanted to stay over at our house tonight. That's why they went home. To Carse's home. Dad thought he might kill himself.

But he was here now and he wouldn't, here. I wouldn't either, let him.

I heard the door and steps downstairs and all of them talking for like hours. Then ~finally~ someone ran upstairs and Val leaned around the door. "Decent?"

I nodded and lay back more. I was already in bed with a pajama shirt, so I could hardly be anything else, or more. She came in and sat beside me.

"Carson's still pretty wired." She looked right in my eyes. "Can you tell me what's happening with him, with you guys? Can I help?"

I must've looked like that was a bad thing because she went on really fast and grabbed my hand. "You don't have to and I'm not saying that, but I just wanted to know if, if I can help you, guys, you just have to ask, you know, and it's okay if you do?"

She looked like she was really afraid. I suddenly connected that to... to her.

"Ss... he's okay!? I mean, is he?" I didn't know what to ask without saying more than he'd want me to, that I already had... than she'd want.

"What?" She looked like I wasn't making sense, but she looked scared too.

He'd want me to keep that completely secret, and Dad'd want me to keep anything about him hurting himself, well, quiet, not secret, but not talk about it, and I'd already let that out.

Or Val figured it out, too. She knew about him a bit already, I remembered, or something. I made little hopeless moves with my hand. There wasn't anywhere to go and I didn't know what to say. I trusted Val with anything, but it wasn't mine, and I ~really~ needed to talk to someone about how bad this all felt, inside.

Not Carson, me: Carson maybe wanting to hurt herself and I couldn't help. And I knew how awful it felt.

----

Valerie hugged me and I cried and I didn't remember when either started. It was just what he was afraid of, that I'd feel bad. It's what I'd been afraid of. That I already knew.

When you tell anyone anything that's truly important, they always feel bad.

-

Val patted my back and I thought, 'but she still likes me....'

----

It wasn't bad, what Carson told me, what we said. It was just hard to....

It was hard to not be a boy, a guy... to not make it simpler. To not pretend, like it was something, something less... less important or real, so I wouldn't cry.

Or hug someone like I never, ever had except Mom and Dad. Or Valerie. And not for about ten years. I hugged her harder.

----

Or look in someone's eyes. Or touch someone. The stuff we all called gay. The guys. Not Carson. Val kept rocking me. I did that all the time, now. Gay.

I got an idea, kinda without words. Something....

When I fell, Carson touched me and held me and I cried and then, after, like in the hospital, I looked in his eyes and said some, some of the hard things... and then he... she couldn't keep doing the... being a boy anymore, either, the same.

Boys, men... didn't, and she wasn't, and couldn't pretend. It got harder.

And I couldn't either. She's a girl inside, and I'm a boy, and... but we still have the same problem, sort of.

I couldn't be the same kind of man I thought I would ... should be. Was supposed to. To grow up to.

I had a rush of half-ideas with almost no words. I let go of Val enough to breathe better and it was almost as if I switched off the bad feelings and just had the hug.

----

Carse was downstairs and safe. And Valerie and Brenda were here, there- too. Okay. Okay. Think. I'm a senior, smart. Plan to say something smart for once.

"Uh."

I had to wipe my face and Val looked as if she wanted to help but I tried to be grown up, laying in bed with no pants and totally unable to get up by myself. I guess she saw that, too. She gave me a hankie.

"Thanks." "You're welcome."

She smiled it was okay. I wet-smiled thanks. "Could you ask, if... umm... could come up here?"

"Who, Carson?"

I guess I wasn't too clear. But I nodded. "Please?"

I tried to smile, but she just looked worried again so I probably looked sick. That almost made me laugh, at how I must've looked. Mixed messages. She looked better, too, so I guess that was a little clearer. I tried again.

"Pretty please?"

That made her snort.

----

It took ~way~ longer than just her going downstairs, but Carson finally tapped on my door and came in when I smiled at her. "Hey."

When she made to just come in I said that she should close the door and then I had to make her sit on the bed instead of a chair and she still almost didn't. Even then, she was stiffer than usual. Which was pretty normal, considering.

-

For a second I wondered if she'd had any of the same kind of thoughts that I had, about all the stuff that was happening with us, and maybe why. I really didn't think so, since it was all happening ~to~ her.

Even though I had to sit up more than was comfortable, I managed to grab her arm and pull her hand over so I could hold it, like a handshake, but holding hands. Hers was about half again bigger than mine. Big hands. Warm, too. I wiggled my fingers and she still didn't relax. She did look at me, though.

I realized just then. Wow. I smiled that I was, and how I could see.

"I just realized that I'm thinking of you as a girl!"

She looked all scared and weird, like that was bad, or wrong. Maybe it was! Maybe I didn't understand and had it all wrong and that would be ~so~ insulting to a guy!

"That's okay, isn't it?" Her eyes were really wide just then.

But she looked maybe just scared, I decided, 'cause she almost smiled, so I squeezed more than anything else and thought then that I didn't have to worry about hurting her that way. It was a nice thought. Funny and nice. A girl who was a lot stronger than me, and tougher and way better at football and shooter games. I pulled her hand over so I could hold it in both of mine.

"Can I talk?"

I thought that maybe that was the right thing to ask, anyway, right then. She nodded, but still looked weirded-out. Though she had that small smile too.

"I think it all started when you sat on me when I fell, and I cried? I mean, wih-"

Her face scrunched up and I heard myself.

"No!! Not you!! I mean me! What I said here, when- when I came home? Remember!?"

She looked a little less like she was going to cry or something as I kept trying to take it back, how it sounded. She finally looked okay. Or less hurt.

She hadn't said a word since she came in. I liked that she'd talked in the last while. I hoped she'd start again. Like right then, 'cause I was starting to worry I was ~all~ wrong, maybe.

But I had to tell her, 'cause I was right about me, I was sure. And I was even surer I needed to tell her.

"I've never hugged anyone before but Mom and Dad and now I've hugged you and Valerie and I've never touched a boy in my life except to wrestle or sports or joke around or stuff and I... even before you told me, I liked that you... held me, when you did, like carrying me... even if it was just to help, or hold me up... and the hospital." I looked right in her eyes that she was keeping on the floor.

"But I like it." I think my smile was in what I said because she looked over at me and I already knew because she'd sorta told me, but this was about me talking. My leg spazzed and was almost a cramp. "I need to lay down better...."

She moved away while I slid down more on my back and after she finally sat back down I had to pull her arm and then her hand harder to get her to notice me. Then she turned really red and at last shifted closer to where I could lay right back and still hold her hand. She still wasn't close enough.

"I thought I might be gay." I smiled to make that not as bad as it would've been a couple of weeks ago. And not with her.

"I mean, because of the crying, and wanting to tell you guys that stuff? 'Cause guys don't do that? And then I was always saying it was the drugs but I think it really was just me thinking."

I had to put it in one sentence and I thought, too late, she didn't know what I'd been thinking. I looked in her eyes and realized that it was the first time I'd... that I'd ~felt~ what happened, more than thought about it all. I mean, it was all feelings... that were important. Not what ~happened~.

Like that she was a girl.

-

I think it took too long for me to get ready, but she was still waiting when I looked in her eyes again. She was even looking at me, and still looked freaked.

"When you sat on me after I fell, you held me down so I wouldn't move, but you were really trying to make me feel better, weren't you?"

She looked like she had to think about that. She nodded. "I guess...."

"And you weren't embarrassed that I was crying and that you were talking to me when I was. And you didn't come to the hospital all the time, just..." I ran out of that one. But I knew something I didn't before.

"You... coming to visit me, was the best thing that's ever happened to me in my whole life."

She looked right at me. Her eyes were still really big, but she wasn't freaked any more.

I tried to look at her, even with my eyes blurry. "It's just that everything was different, and maybe the drugs too, and hurting, but that you- you helped me and then picked me up from the car and then in school... and you came to see... me...."

That was too much together, but it was all connected, somehow. She got it, I think, though, 'cause she squeezed my hands back. I still tried to finish.

"So, I... I think... I think I'll want hugs from you... all the time, now. From you and Brenda and Val." I smiled at how nice that felt to say out loud.

"All you girls."

Another thing that felt really good was that she could cry with a smile instead of those hurting sounds.

----

Neither of us were going to school the next day because Dad said Carson had to go see her parents and a doctor or someone and I needed someone as strong as her in school. (But Dad said "him.")

We were all allowed to talk pretty late, and we didn't, really, and by the time Brenda left she was yawning. We didn't tell her anything, but I think she knew that something happened from Val, before.

Carson ended up falling asleep on my bed and since I never moved in my sleep any more it was okay with me. Mom came in and covered her up with a comforter and I barely managed to smile hi when she kissed me goodnight.

-

End of Part 4

(Revised and reposted)

----

We were all allowed to talk pretty late, and we didn't, really, but by the time Brenda left she was yawning. We didn't tell her anything, but I think she knew that something happened from Val, before.

Carson ended up falling asleep on my bed about when Brenda left and since I never moved in my sleep any more it was okay with me. Mom came in and covered her up with a comforter and I barely managed to smile hi when she kissed me goodnight.

----

When she got up in the morning Carson made the bed move and woke me, though in my dream it was the ambulance again, or the recovery room, only it didn't hurt and was almost like I was just there, not hurt or anything, and Carson came in.

Then I woke up. Or I woke up and then put Carson in my dream.

-

I dreamed a lot about when it happened, all sorts of ways. I'd been half-awake all night on and off with leg cramps, too.

-

After a few minutes more of waking up and feeling how different the bed felt, I thought of something: I'd just slept with a girl for the first time, and the ~whole~ night, and in my own house, and ~Mom~ had covered her up!

It was like such a good weird joke that I almost laughed.

"Something funny?" Carson came back in. To ~my~ room. And she closed the door again! I really broke up.

I knew she wouldn't get it, but I tried to explain, really hard. The more I said, the more she just looked at me like I was dumb, and slow besides. I think she was just being prissy on purpose. She can be totally girly.

I was even surprised I never noticed that's how she was, before, but I didn't tell her that, being ~not~ dumb and slow.

----

Breakfast was whatever we wanted since Mom was feeling generous, and we both had french toast. I think Carson was going to have something else, but changed her mind when I picked my favorite. I almost changed my mind too, just to see what she'd do, but then I thought that'd be mean. She was having a good morning.

Mom even let us eat in the den, so I could be comfortable. I'd been able to have supper at the table for a few days, but it wasn't fun. Sitting up was barely tolerable, and usually by the time I got my plate I lost my appetite. So mealtimes had mostly been in bed, mostly, but that felt like the hospital and I hated that too.

So the den was nice.

(Mom said the pills made me whiny. Carson said they just made me whine louder.)

But it~ was~ nice to be comfortable and sitting up too. Almost like a grownup. I started to laugh again. I break me up.

Carson and Mom both smiled at me like they got the joke or something, even if I hadn't said it.

"What?" I kinda laughed it, because I was still on the joke, then because they started smiling even more. "C'mon, what are you looking at?"

"Just that you're in a good mood this morning." Mom kept smiling.

I'm in a good mood most mornings. I happen to know that I'm even a morning person. Valerie tells me all the time as she drags around and grumbles until noon. Or maybe I'm just more cheerful than her.

But I admitted I was, which made Mom happy. I grinned at Carson too, which made her even happier.

-

I didn't have much appetite, but that was just from too much moving around. And more little cramps. I still had a whole slice of french toast.

----

Carson's doctor's appointment was at one, and even though Mom said I had to do some homework we'd still have lots of time to just talk. I had to lie down, so we went back up to my room and Carson sat in one of the chairs and put her feet up on the bed. We didn't even look at our books.

"How're you doing?" I thought it was a stupid question. She looked really happy.

"I feel like a million dollars." She smiled even more. "Really, I've been having nightmares about telling you or Mom and Dad and now I feel like...." She made a movement with her hands. "It's like...."

I didn't know what to say. I couldn't even imagine what it'd been like. What it was like. I asked her that before, too.

"So, what's it like?"

"What?"

"Being a girl, dummy!" I laughed at her face, which was mad and confused at the same time.

"I don't know! How should I know?!"

"Because you ~are~ one! Wouldn't that make you an expert? I can tell you what it's like being a ~guy~!"

I figured out it was dumb as soon as I said it.

"Okay, then what's ~that~ like? Hunh?" She glared at me and folded her arms.

"Alright, it was a stupid question." I knew when to give up. I'd thought about it before, last night.

"But still, I mean, it's so weird!"

She started to get a hurt look and I sped up. "I mean, weird neat, really! I mean, you're... ~you!~ And you're a ~GIRL~!"

She shushed me when I started to get a bit too loud, but I think she got my point. Even if I had to ask what it was like again.

And tell her not to ask me about being a boy, again.

"I don't know... I don't feel any different than anybody, I think. I'm just... a girl. It's not something I feel, exactly, just, just that I know, I guess...." She trailed off.

"I guess...." I thought about it some more.

"How do you know everyone doesn't feel like you do, then?"

She looked at me like I was being stupid again. "I ~have~ thought about all this, y'know?" She smiled, too, so she wasn't really mad.

"Do ~you~ feel like a girl? I mean, that you're one?"

I shook my head. Before she told me, I'd never even thought about it. I was pretty sure feeling like a sissy didn't count, not that I said that.

"Well, I do." She leaned back in her chair.

"I don't have the words for how, but I've felt this way since I was about four or five. Like, it's just wrong that I'm a boy... I don't feel like I am."

"Is that what you're going to tell your doctor?"

"No!" She kinda spazzed and got mad.

"I'm not telling him about this! I just have to see him about getting all cry-baby yesterday in front of everyone...." She got sad.

I couldn't reach over to her so I made her sit closer to the bed and held her hand.

"You're not a cry-baby. I cry more than you and I'm just a wimp." She smiled a little. I squeezed her hand.

"You're allowed to cry when you hurt. That's what all the nurses told me and you told me that too." She nodded and sniffed.

I said "Eww!" and she laughed.

I pulled at the sheets because I was getting pretty warm. She helped, folding them off me.

I watched her hands do it, and for some reason thought of something I should have asked before.

"Are you going to tell anyone else?"

She got quiet. After about a minute she looked at me like she was scared.

"I feel like it's too... dangerous or something." Her eyes sure looked scared. "It is. People..."

"It was okay to tell me, wasn't it? There's nothing wrong, it's just different...." I sounded lame. I knew she was thinking about some of the... the guys at school, or the jokes.

"Sorry... that was dumb."

"I have to tell Mom and Dad sometime, 'specially after last night...." She looked at her arm or something. "Dad's gonna kill me."

"No he's not!! You know he's not!!" Her father was as nice as my dad. He'd... I didn't know what he'd do, but he wouldn't hurt her.

"He wouldn't hurt you!"

She didn't say anything. Like she was trying to see the future.

"What happened last night?" I had an idea that something bad might have happened at her house, just 'cause she wouldn't talk about it. Dad either.

But she wasn't really sad or anything when she came back, and... well, nothing seemed ~worse~, after....

"Nothing. I mean nothing really, anyway...." She'd been smiling when she came back, I remembered. Or after a little while. When she came up. So yeah, nothing too bad.

"So, what'd you tell them? Last night."

She hunched up a little. "Just what, what your father told them, that I was... upset, I guess, and I guess he heard the freak thing and he was scared I was suicidal, you know, and I told them I wasn't... and they asked about the freak and all...."

I watched her get even more hunched up and tried to sound normal, even though I felt sick.

"Have you thought about that? Before...?"

"Suicide...?"

She was really still for a few seconds before she nodded. It was a small one, but she did it and I still felt a rush of cold. She looked up. "I don't want to talk about it now, okay?"

I stared at her. I couldn't ~not~ talk about it right then.

She hugged me hard and said it was okay, really, and a long time ago. And don't worry.

----

"School's going to be different." I was having a daydream of her walking down the hallway with a bunch of other girls.

She looked scared at me for a second and I smiled.

"Hey, ~I'm~ the one they're gonna be talking about." I laughed.

"I mean, you... I'm gonna want to hug you all the time and everyone's going to think I'm the biggest fairy in the world." I smiled my head off at her.

She still looked like it wasn't a good thing, but I had a feeling it was gonna be really great, just with her smiling and talking. I tried to stop looking stupid, but it made me almost dizzy to feel so good about her.

"I won't really embarrass you, I promise, but... but... it's like everything is so different, now." I started to want to cry. Like all of a sudden.

"I thought I was going to lose my leg... in the hospital... and I still think I'll always hurt and for a...." I had to swallow a couple of times.

"I thought it wasn't going to get better." I looked at her and her eyes were all big.

"But now I think it's all going to be okay, no matter what. I don't know why, but I think it is." I tried to smile.

"And I think it's gonna be all good for you too."

----

"What do you wanna do?" I said it like 'what do you REALLY want?'

She got kind of sad.

"I can't...." She said it pretty quietly, almost to herself.

"What? I mean, not like a million dollars, but really?"

I was being thick, I guess, but I'd just had my before-lunch pill and I was all warm and tired-thinking. She looked at me like to see if I was really that stupid and I guess I passed.

"I want to just... just ~be~ a girl."

She looked at her hands, turning them over and flexing them. She has big hands. Well, she's big all around.... I got a clue.

"You think you don't look enough like a girl?"

She made a tiny nod.

I really, truly hadn't thought about that until that moment, and I still couldn't....

She's about six three, really fit and strong. And she has a beard, I mean, like she shaves every day. And long hair, way past her collar, but it's just a boy haircut. She looks like a boy. Almost a man.

But she's good looking too, not all wall-of-muscle like some of the guys.

Her face is long, or slim, or whatever you'd call it, and I know the girls all thought she was good-looking. And if you look good one way, won't you look good the other? I mean... I mean, isn't ~pretty~ the same, even if it's a girly word?

She sure looked unhappy....

I realized I was staring and she probably wanted that about as much as a kick in the teeth right then... but I think I was disagreeing with her.

"You don't look bad at all." I smiled at her when I said it because it was true. "I'd go out with you."

She looked at me like I ~did~ kick her in the teeth.

"No, really!" I sat up a little more on my elbow.

"Look, I know... I mean, you look mostly like a boy, but that doesn't mean you can't just ~be~ a girl, does it? And I know when you get... I mean, you can take like hormones and stuff and look way more like other girls, but we could still do boy-girl stuff if you want, like movies and stuff? I mean if you want? Now?"

A horrible thought came into my head: what if she didn't like guys? But she didn't look mad when I checked, and she didn't look like she'd smelled something bad either, so maybe....

I tried to look as cool as I would asking anyone out, which is pretty pathetic, going by my success rate... I had a really hot flush feeling. Probably all red.

"You do, um, like, um, guys... don't you?"

Then I heard myself and thought that that had to have been the ~lamest~ and most insulting date-ask-out ever. Mean, even.

And what if she liked girls?! I bet none of the other girls in school would admit it either.

I peeked. She wasn't mad, didn't look mad.... I took a breath.

"Would you like to go to the movies with me? My treat and you get to choose the movie?"

I tried to erase the insult of my previous stupid questions even more with a big smile.

Then I thought that I was being REALLY insulting if she ~did~ like girls and she didn't say and I just ignored her! What did it matter if it happened to TONS of girls!?

Smile gone and I closed my eyes to keep her from seeing my face. Which was red all the way to my cast.

-

When I could hear again, she was laughing.

-

So score one for complete social incompetence to the point of being sweaty and funny.

----

I wondered if she liked girls too, but I was afraid to ask.

----

She had to go with her mom and promised to call if she couldn't get back, but we'd decided. We were going to go see one of the new movies at the mall on Sunday if I could stand sitting for that long by then. A real date.

My face hurt, the good way.

-

She said she felt pretty good too and Mom thought we were doing drugs or something, but she was just joking.

Besides I already ~was~ using heavy drugs and I told her I was just happy because Carson was feeling better, so we were having a good time.

When her mom came to pick her up she ran out and almost skipped, I think. Again.

----

After eating breakfast I wasn't really hungry for lunch, but I tried to eat for Mom. She sat with me and watched while I picked at it.

I mean she ~really~ watched, like she was trying to figure something out.

"What?" I smiled at her, like I knew she knew it was obvious. It never occurred to me it was about Carson. Stupid.

She smiled like I knew she would, if it was just anything. "Oh, you...."

Still no clue. And no worry, either. I looked at the pickle on my plate more than what she might mean. "What about me?"

"Oh, just you and Carson have been pretty much been inseparable since your accident, then yesterday you were both so unhappy.... And now...."

I about smiled my head half off. "Well, yeah! She's... "

I saw her face change the exact same time I heard myself. About a quarter-second too late.

----

I kept my very best friend's most important secret in the world exactly less than one day.

I felt like... there's no word. Less than anything. And I couldn't even tell Mom why, or what... more than she already heard.

She didn't make a big deal and didn't bug me about what I meant, but she was serious, no more real smiles.

I felt sick. All hot flushes and cold chills. They could put her in a mental hospital, or give her drugs, or take her out of school....

Or they might move. Maybe she wouldn't be allowed to see me any more, or me her.... Maybe Mom and Dad would say I couldn't... or they'd let it all out and someone would beat her up.

-

She'd never get to try being a girl. I started to cry at the end. Stupid pills. Stupid me.

----

Mom left me alone after I almost begged her, mostly because I was too afraid I'd make everything even worse.

Even though I still was sick at what I did I went to sleep almost as soon as I covered my eyes. Pills.

----

I dreamed someone touched me, but it changed too fast and I woke up.

Mom was standing by my bed and looked like she was relieved I was alive or something. Carson was behind her, with her mother, at the door. It looked like they'd both been crying.

I was afraid to even open my mouth. I was afraid to smile at Carson or look sad or apologetic or ~anything~ at her.

I was afraid that everything was ruined for her and I was the reason. I felt thick and stupid and mean.

Instead, she came past Mom and sat on the bed and pulled me up into a hug that made everything a little bit better.

I closed my eyes so I couldn't see Mom or her mother and they couldn't see us.

My leg felt awful, my back hurt, I was sweaty, and she was cool. And I felt good where she touched me.

----

She said they'd been in the doctor's waiting room when my mom called her mom and they'd gone out to their car and talked. Her mom talked.

Nobody'd ever asked her about it before, right out, and she'd never even thought about what she would say if they did. How she'd answer. Words again.

She'd just frozen, and then nodded at something, and then her mom had said something like 'Do you think you're a girl?'

And she'd nodded again... and it was all over, even if her mom hadn't asked her anything else because she'd cried so much. Carson, not her mom.

-

And all my fault, even if she wasn't mad at me.

"I'm sorry!"

"Stop saying that. It's not your fault and she didn't go postal and I'm... she probably called Dad by now, so, so maybe it's, I mean... maybe the worst part's already over." She was almost shaking me, she shivered so hard.

I think we both thought the worst part was still going to happen, no matter what she said.

A cell phone rang somewhere and we both froze for a second and listened, but all we heard was that it stopped ringing. It was her mom's.

"It's probably him." Carson almost whispered it, like a horror movie.

"Maybe." I tried to be smarter than I'd been lately.

"What are you going to tell them? More, I mean?"

"I guess the same thing I told you, about how I feel I guess...."

I started shivering by myself again and held on as well as I could from the side. I knew she was most afraid about what her father would do.

"Can I help? I mean, I don't know how, but if I can?"

She sniffed and sat up a little straighter and then sat all the way around, facing me, and almost smiled as she pressed me back to laying down.

"If I don't even know what I'm gonna tell them, I don't see how you can. You ~are~ still a boy, y'know." She pressed harder for a moment, sinking me into the mattress.

"But I ~do~ know that you'd cry, the way you are lately, and then my mom'd get all upset and then my dad would get mad that I made her and then he'd walk out or something stupid like that...."

She smiled funny at the end.

"Your dad's not really like that, is he? He wouldn't hurt you, would he? Really?" I'd always thought he was a nice guy, and she'd kinda said he was, the night before, but it scared me the way she said it, again, and he was a big man.

She smiled more normally and shook her head.

"Naw. He just gets mad, sorta, when he feels like he can't help or something. Not at us, just... at himself?" She sat up and looked at my hand. Her hands were really cool.

"But he's not gonna be able to help. I mean, anything... there's nothing that he can do...."

She noticed my face, I guess.

"I mean, if he can't do anything, then I just... I, I guess I'm worried that... be all... stressed or something... I dun...."

-

She started to look like she was going to cry again. And I couldn't understand anything she said.

-

I couldn't understand and tried to sit up and hold her but I got dizzy when I moved up. My foot cramped, hard.

Then in a second, the back of my calf exploded in pain and I jerked up with a screech and tried to reach it through the cast, and sitting up made my hip go, my whole leg a huge cramp, and I was crying my eyes out.

"HELP! CRAMP!!"

She grabbed me and squeezed so hard I couldn't breathe. Mom and then her mother banged in.

"Cramp! He's got a- a- b-bad cramp!"

-

All I could do was try to get away from her and scream and try to reach- Mom started massaging my foot really hard which hurt like fire, but soon it stopped spasming a little.

Then my hip cramped again and it was so awful I blacked out.

----

Mom crushed one of my sedative pills and helped me hold the glass so I wouldn't break a tooth.

----

It finally stopped. My whole leg was still on fire, pulsing and like it was all compressed or tight, but at least the cramping was gone.

All I could do was sob at how it was so bad and wouldn't stop happening, and how it still hurt.

-

Carson kept talking, saying nothing but that it was going to be okay and that my mom was there and that it wasn't hopeless, I guess. She hugged me and rocked, and when I was finally able to let her go, she'd been crying too.

-

Mom shooed them out changed my shirt and all and got wet towels and wiped me down to get me clean and because it felt good, and I felt awful.

And embarrassed that Carson's mom had seen me like that.

----

It was over. The sedative made me feel safer I think, because I knew it wouldn't be long before I was asleep and it wouldn't hurt at all. My leg felt like a huge cut.

Carson stood by the door by her mom, still all red-eyed and sad, but I tried to smile at her.

Her mom... she wouldn't look at Carson, or me, or anything, and she wasn't holding her.

I made a sort of hand motion past Mom toward Carson.

Or someone. I was all confused, like a dream.

-

I remember my leg still hurt, but I didn't.

----

It was almost dark when I woke up. Dad was reading and Valerie was watching me. I was totally relaxed and even my leg hurting pretty bad didn't bother me much. But Val looked sad and after a few seconds I kinda remembered what happened. I still couldn't think very much.

Val came over to the bed and touched my forehead and I guess I was sweaty or something. "Dad!"

Dad came and sat on the bed and put his hand on my cheek. On my face. I remember it was almost cold.

"Carson...."

-

End of Part 5

(Revised and reposted)

----

Dad came and sat on the bed and put his hand on my cheek. On my face. I remember it was almost cold.

"Carson...."

----

When I woke up, it was too bright and I couldn't feel my leg.

I panicked and thrashed and tore the... the sheets off... and... bandaging and a- a frame, and BLOOD, and....

It was still there and my toes were there and I touched and felt and even my stomach hurting was better... not....

I made gasping, awful sounds when suddenly Mom and Dad... they were holding my hands hard and... they were before too....

----

I was in the hospital.

I'd torn out the IV and it was bleeding pretty badly, and I was in the hospital again.

And I still had my leg even though I couldn't feel it. Again.

I started to cry. Again.

----

It was an infection in one of the bones but they thought it was a new one and it got really bad really fast and they had to operate another time and take some of my bone out and put some steel in and cut out some infected muscle and I was still going to recover okay, the doctor said.

-

Mom and Dad and Valerie were all really positive and I knew that it was... well, good news was what they said. But the only good news was my leg.

Carson wasn't there and didn't come and after an hour I finally asked where she was. Mom got all sad again. They all did.

They wanted her to stay away from me. Her father or her doctor or someone.

I'd been asleep for almost two days. She hadn't visited once, though she'd called every night to Mom and Dad.

----

That was all she was allowed. I just couldn't take it any more.

----

I had a nightmare that I had no arms or legs and woke up the whole floor. The nurses hated me.

----

I didn't sleep anymore because of the nightmares. I just waited to pass out from the drugs because then I didn't dream. I tried not to think or anything because then I thought about Carson.

----

One morning Mom hugged me and I turned my head away without thinking and she cried and I just closed my eyes and tried to not hear. I wanted her to go away so I wouldn't have to even pretend. I was sorry she was sad but I couldn't... care.

I think my leg was healing, but everyone was on about my weight and food and stuff. I couldn't stand the sight of it, and even when I tried, it was like... it made me sicker. It tasted like dirt anyway.

One day I felt so sick so I threw up lunch, the bites I'd taken. I just left it on the tray in front of me and waited. It wasn't much, anyway. I didn't care.

I did it at supper too. I ate, but I threw it up. It felt better. But I guess I'd tried, before. And before, I could hide it.

-

That evening a new doctor came in alone and sat and talked to me instead of just standing and talking to Mom and Dad. I figured he was a shrink but I didn't care.

-

The next time, in the morning, he injected something in the IV tube. After a while I felt nothing and we talked.

I told him about how I knew she was going to kill herself.

----

The next day she came.

She was the most beautiful, wonderful thing I'd ever seen.

I don't care if people think I'm a sissy, it felt so good to cry. Even after I could barely breathe I felt good.

"I was so scared...."

It didn't matter. I had to touch her face again and again to be sure she was real. She had tears still, too... so I wiped them away.

She looked like she needed sleep and maybe had lost some weight. And she'd cut herself shaving, a pretty bad one, on her neck. She smelled all clean and cool and damp, like she'd just showered, just then.

She was beautiful.

-

The shrink came in and she sat up and I don't remember what anyone said.

Except he said Carson had to leave for a while. I remember that.

----

I know this is all over the place, but I was drugged up all the time, then.

They thought I was suicidal, but I just thought I'd die. And Carson.

And my shrink thought I was crazy, besides wanting to kill myself, which I wasn't.

She came every day after that. Carson did. Her mom or dad came with her every time too, but they let us talk alone and it was way better at home and all of them were seeing a counselor, even her sister, but mostly her. Or she'd still be going more often, I mean.

Her shrink was a woman doctor and right at the beginning she made her do about three or four hours of written tests and forms, a whole afternoon.

Carson liked her after a few visits, her shrink. She said she acted different to her and was way nicer after the tests came back from wherever they sent tests like that. And that's when her whole family went.

Things were better. She smiled better. She held my hand when she talked and I watched her.

----

Sorry I can't remember the words too well. It was like a dream, the people and what happened, and I couldn't remember anyone speaking words.

----

They made a special cast after they took the frame off. It was pinkish plastic, sort of comic-book flesh color, and full length, from my hip to right under my foot, like a sandal, and went around the back and sides and had velcro straps and a mesh thing that left the incision and stitches open except for bandages that kept getting colored, yellow and brown. I had nightmares about the colors so they brought big scrubs pants and cut off a leg and slid it over it so I wouldn't see it all the time.

Carson wouldn't hardly look at it either. She said it looked okay, but all she could see was the bandage and she left when they cleaned it.

----

It all worked, everyone said, and my leg was healing at last.

I had to stay home at least a week before I could go back to school, but I felt better than I ever did before, the first time, and by the end of my hospital stay I was up every day on my crutches and my leg had healed really well, the stitches and stuff anyway, and the doctors said there wasn't any sign of the infection at all in the scans and blood stuff.

It still ached all the time and even cramped, but it didn't hurt at all anymore, like before. I hardly even needed drugs.

----

When I went home, it was all good, even the ride. My leg was propped up on pillows so high my foot was in the window.

I was just thinking that if I was wearing the seat belt it'd be under my arm or across my neck or something and if I should wear a belt around my leg, too, when Dad said something and Mom laughed.

"What?" I was right behind him and couldn't hear over the road noise.

"I said, they should have made your cast a more convenient shape for the rest of us. Maybe bent so you could sit all the time? You can sleep sitting up, can't you?"

He sounded like he wasn't serious, but it would've been easier in the bathroom. And a lot of the bandages would be down out of sight.... But my knee would probably hurt. The physio said I'd have to start working hard on it as soon as the muscles and ligaments and stuff healed more, but she wouldn't bend it more than a few degrees yet.

"I was joking."

"What?"

"I was ~joking~ about the cast...." Dad sounded funny. Mom looked funny, too, like she was worried about something.

"I know." I looked at my leg again.

"I just wonder if they could make a cast with a hinge in it for the knee? Carson had that knee brace thing last year, remember? I bet that would work great! Or something like that, but a cast like this too?" I thought about it.

Mom turned and looked at me like I was an alien or something.

"Who are you and what have you done with my child?!" Yup. Exactly like an alien. I grinned at her.

"I only thought of it 'cause it was Carson."

She laughed so hard she snorted.

----

When Dad helped me out of the car Valerie and Brenda laughed at my pants. Carson tried really hard not to, I could tell.

Mom had brought me some jeans to wear home. She called them that, but they weren't. They were really loose and went over the cast and all, but were ~huge~ and had room for about three of me in them, especially in the rear. And they were the right color, but they ~weren't~ jeans.

I'd said I'd just wear scrubs, but the hospital said they weren't allowed to just give them away and Mom and Dad both said it was just for the drive home, if they were so awful. But I think they both thought they were ridiculous, too.

Anyway, by the time I was on my crutches, Brenda could hardly talk she was laughing so hard.

"I... I, I keep... I keep waiting... for the... the OTHER clowns to g-g-GET OUT!!"

That started Mom and Carson off. Dad made grunting noises.

I thought I should say something, but I couldn't think of anything appropriate, so I just tried to be dignified.

It was hard, since I had to hitch up the waist every few steps....

Every step.

----

Dad's pajama pants didn't fit much better, but they were pajama pants and supposed to be floppy. They were too long too, but not if I was just sitting. And at least they didn't fall down, with the drawstring.

It was so good being home, and everyone there, and feeling good... not like the last time, like it was all going to stop. I mostly just looked at everyone, like pictures of Carson and Brenda and Val and Mom and Dad, there. Carson laughing at something.

I fell asleep.

----

I had a dream I was back in school and all back to the way I was before, my leg and everything. I walked in a hallway and there were students and stuff, but I was alone somehow.

Then it was the locker room and then the showers and all the guys and Carson and she looked at me and smiled and the other guys were there, but they were gone, too, and it was just me and her and suddenly she was naked and she smiled at me.

I couldn't see anything but her smile, her eyes, but I knew she was naked.

I jolted awake and I was almost panting I was breathing so fast and my heart was hammering. And I'd... ejaculated.

Like I hadn't in my sleep in years.

While I cleaned up I tried to remember more about the dream.

----

Carson came over every day, even if just for a minute.

When she could stay longer, besides just talking or doing homework or surfing the web for stuff, sometimes we read teen magazines together, girl magazines.

She never had before, except once or twice, 'cause she was scared of getting caught, and besides she didn't believe she'd ever get a chance to live like she wanted and so it was too depressing.

Valerie had ~hundreds~ of two and three year-old magazines, all saved in piles in the garage, and Carson brought in the ones that looked interesting.

It was fun, looking at the clothes and makeup and advice and stuff and laughing at the models 'cause they were *all* like either twenty-somethings trying to be fifteen or teens trying to look twenty-five.

But she loved it. I did too. She laughed and smiled like....

I loved looking at her.

-

Brenda came too, to visit and do homework and talk, but less and less, and some days she just seemed to come to say hi, and then left, even if she had time. It was like she wasn't the same, or we weren't, from before.

She'd even visited in the hospital more, and since we couldn't talk with her about the stuff we did other times, Carson and me, it was hard.

----

One day when I was almost ready to go back to school, I asked Carson if she was going to tell Brenda, or Valerie.

Even with all the girl things we talked about, and how much she thought about important things, we hadn't talked about that any more at all, about her telling more people besides her family.

All the stuff in magazines about friends and how you had to work at friendships, it was all about not keeping secrets.

The real websites were all about telling, or people finding out and stuff, but it had a lot about the bad things that happened, too, about families being angry or leaving, and kids getting kicked out, and even worse stuff.

And the stories that weren't totally nicey-good were totally horrible about it. We had to stop reading those at all.

-

Real world, I knew it was hard enough with her parents and Jerri knowing, even with it going so good, but I felt kinda like a liar talking with Mom and Dad and sorta pretending nothing had changed, even if they knew more than a little about her, Mom anyway. And she probably told Dad.

But especially with Val and Brenda, I felt like I was being a bad friend. And I knew it wasn't fair to Carson to ask.

-

"I wish we could be like before, and I know it's better and I really... I know it's hard." I didn't even know exactly what I wanted to say.

Carson was rubbing my foot because I'd had little cramps all the time that day and it helped, even though it ached different ways when the cast was off. She stopped and just held it. I tried to explain myself better.

"I feel like Brenda isn't even... I mean, I think she's almost not my friend anymore." I started to feel bad, like I had the last few days whenever I thought about it. She hadn't been over for ten minutes in four days.

"And Val's mad at me sometimes, I think...."

Carson squeezed my foot hard so it relaxed. Then she picked my leg up so she could get out and put it carefully down on the pillows. She came around and lifted me so she could sit behind and hug me as hard as my foot for a minute.

"I'm just scared." She sounded scared.

"I know it's not really working, I mean for you, and I know telling you was about the best thing I ever did, but...." She stopped before she said she was scared again, but I could tell. Her hand was shaking in mine.

I didn't know if I was being selfish or if she was right. I said that, too.

"But I don't see how telling Brenda and Val can be, can go bad... I mean, they're...." I didn't have the words for that either. "They're my best friends too."

She leaned against me harder but didn't answer. I knew that just because they were my best friends didn't make them hers. I tried to remember if she'd ever said that.

"My shrink says I should be careful, but I don't have to keep it secret...." she took a breath and kept talking, slowly.

"But Dad wants me to not tell anyone. He doesn't say it like that but I can tell he wants... nobody... to know." She stopped for a breath or two.

"He wishes you didn't, even...." She hugged me closer. "If it were up to him I think I'd be in another school by now."

She was quiet for a while and I thought. Everything must be awful over there. She hadn't talked like this before. It was like the worst things I'd ever thought, before.

"What about your mom and sister?"

She moved a little. "Mom's... I... she's pretty unhappy, about, maybe about Dad more than me, but... pretty unhappy. I think she's scared for me, mostly." She stopped a little while.

"Jerri's been nicer to me lately." She sighed. "Maybe just 'cause Mom 'n Dad're treating me the way they do her now, like always checking where I'm going and who I'm with and all...." She breathed out hard, almost a snort.

"Different reasons, same leash."

I guess I made a question sound.

"She always says she's like on a leash 'cause they always want to know where she is and everything, and I guess it felt like it was pretty unfair before." She didn't sound like it was a joke.

"Have you talked with her about it, about you?" I knew they still weren't really close. She hugged me a bit harder and leaned her head on mine, that felt really nice.

"Y'know, now she stops by my door sometimes, like just to say goodnight or hi or stuff.... She never did that before." She was quiet again. "I think she's trying to be better, maybe."

"Maybe you could talk to her?"

"Maybe."

----

Before she went home, she said she was going to talk to her sister, just to see if it felt safe. And she said I could talk to Val about her, but she was too scared to herself. She said it was okay if I did, and hugged me hard to show it was.

----

I told Val after she finished her homework, or whatever you call college stuff. I got her to come in my room and sit so I could see her.

I said Carson was really a girl and only me and her family and shrink really knew, and it was hard for her. I told her about... that Mom and Dad probably knew, but I didn't know for sure.

-

At the end, like after ten minutes of a long speech, she grinned at me.

"And I just thought you were gay."

"What?!" I didn't know if I was angry or... anything. Maybe surprised that she looked like... that.

She started ticking off on her fingers.

She thought we were both gay and that Carson was freaked about it and that I was just sick, but that I was just better with it. Being gay.

And Carson was seeing a therapist because of being gay, or her family finding out.

And she'd thought that we were for sure out to each other and stuff before I got hurt.

I couldn't figure out what she was thinking of because... Carson hadn't, hadn't... even ~told~ me then.

I told her that I didn't even ~know~ about her until after I went back to school, that night ~she~ said we should talk alone!

"But he..."

"SHE!"

"Alright, she, sheesh... don't have a cow! ~She~ was bringing you presents and visiting all the time and straight guys just don't ~do~ that to other guys."

She looked at my face, I guess.

"OKAY! So ~girls~ do. You don't always have to be such a princess!"

"I'm not! She just... it's just it hurts her if you call her a guy. She gets that all the time all day in school, all her life and all, and it really hurts." I made a face.

"Her dad won't even call her... talk to her, or about it...."

Valerie made a sound. "But s- she must be used to it?"

"She's NOT used to it! How could she be USED to it!?" I was getting really upset.

"It's ~worse~!" It made me almost cry to think about how Carse had to live.

Val made a 'keep it down' face and I hoarse-whispered so I could keep talking.

"She was thinking of ~killing~ herself!! She ~hates~ trying to be a boy all the time... she ~hates~ it so, so... much, sh-sh-she-she wuh wuh..." I couldn't think about that any more. And I couldn't stop.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know."

Valerie made me move over and hugged me.

-----

She didn't understand how Carson could like football and I had to tell her about ten times that she just ~did~ and liking a sport had nothing to do with being a girl and she watched Olympic hockey games, and weren't ~they~ all girls too?

And girls played rugby, too, and it was even rougher than football.

She still said football was a boys' game, just 'cause she didn't like it much.

And she couldn't even see how she could be a girl, being so big, and I had to tell her that being big wasn't anything, and ~I~ could see her perfectly well as a girl, and even lots of ~movie~ stars were tall, like Geena Davis was six feet and wore ~heels~ and was probably taller than Carson! And ~she~ looked great, too!

Valerie smiled at me differently.

"It sounds like you've got a girlfriend."

"She's not my girlfriend!" I turned red.

"Oh, no... I can see that... sure...." she teased at me.

"We're friends! That doesn't make us gir- or, or whatever!"

"So you're ~not~ dating?"

I think my face got me in trouble. I mean, we had... I ~had~ invited her to go to the movies, so we were gonna... date, I guess.

"So you ARE dating! See? See?! What else do you call a girlfriend?!" She grinned like the ultimate tease, even if that didn't make any sense and it wasn't true.

"We haven't yet anyway. It was when I got sick again...."

"But you were gonna, weren't you? Did you ask h-her or did she ask you? Where were you gonna go?"

I had to explain the whole plan, and why we were going to, so she could be a girl more than just inside and all.

Valerie thought it was the sweetest idea ever and said she'd help and everything.

And she still said Carse was my girlfriend, but nice-like.

----

I felt like I just got Val back. Before she went to bed she hugged me harder than I even could, any more. In bed, I hugged my pillow to sleep. I felt like I was almost healed, just from that.

----

I dreamed I touched her, Carson... I remembered her face. I touched her, it felt like, but I couldn't see anything but her eyes. But I could feel her, too. I remember that I felt her, touched her, but there was more.

When I woke up, it was a lot later, after the dream, but I'd made a mess again. And I couldn't remember the dream except that part, and that I'd felt her and couldn't remember where, or why I needed to remember.

I went back to sleep hugging my pillow again and wondering why... if hugging Carson could feel like a dream.

-

End of Part 6

(Revised and reposted)

----

I dreamed I touched her, Carson... I remembered her face. I touched her, it felt like, but I couldn't see anything but her eyes. But I could feel her, too. I remember that I felt her, touched her, but there was more.

When I woke up, it was a lot later, after the dream, but I'd made a mess again. And I couldn't remember the dream except that part, and that I'd felt her and couldn't remember where, or why I needed to remember.

I went back to sleep hugging my pillow again and wondering why... if hugging Carson could feel like a dream.

----

When Carson came over next afternoon I got her up to my room right away and almost bounced, I was so excited to tell her about Val.

She looked half like she wanted to run away and half like she wanted to faint, even though I told her fast, and that Val was great about her.

She doesn't really faint, but I could tell she was scared.

But she was happy too, I think at how happy I was.

She told me about trying to talk with her sister too, but she hadn't really told her much, maybe just about- that Jerri was seeing the therapist, and Carson asked her if she was okay.

And Jerri had left or cut it short or something. Not bad, but not all done.

Her face, her expressions were more... well, more than she said.

I could tell what she felt more from her eyes and the way her mouth was than her tone of voice. Maybe from before, when she'd hardly ever said anything. But I still could.

And she was worried about Jerri, what she'd told her, or asked.

-

Instead of asking more about that, I told her Val thought we were boy and girlfriends, just to see her laugh or smile.

She got red.... So I didn't laugh, or say anything or even move. Just watched her.

-

How she looked at her hands, how she looked down so I couldn't see her....

That she was... she was shy. She ~did~ think that, or had thought about it, anyway!

But that meant she liked me, that way. Or before. Or maybe it was just that she'd thought about ~if~ I was her... if she was my girlfriend. Or was playing at it, and us.

I mean, I did that too... in my head, I mean. And my dreams.

-

And I was the one who asked if she wanted to go to the movies.

-

What if she ~really~ wanted to be my girlfriend?

I looked at her that way, or tried to. It's hard to think about something like that. To think about the real thing. It's different than thinking, more like ~seeing~.

She looked like a boy, but I knew she was a girl. I thought of her like a girl, and had for a long time, weeks. But it... I wasn't looking at her that way.

-

Really, to me, she looked like a girl. Like Carson, a girl.

-

I've never had a girlfriend.... I've only even been on just a few dates.

I didn't even know what to do. I could screw it up for her....

She'd be so easy to hurt.

But she'd be hurt if I said no, if she wanted.

And I liked her.

Was that it?

She was the girl I liked most, of any girl, ever.

-

All the thoughts and circles and the dreams and what we'd talked about from the magazines and the stories and what Val said... all that.... I almost asked if she knew what to do.

-

I was sitting half back on my bed with my leg up on pillows, and she was at the other end, almost the same position. But she looked pretty uncomfortable.

She was my best friend, ever, and I was making her feel rotten and I... I hadn't even known.

Before.

I did know, now.

I just was scared.

-

I sat up a bit and made whatever noises and motions I made to get her to shift around over to me.

When she finally did (and she ~was~ sad) I put my arm around her waist....

I pulled her, made her shift over closer against me, on my pillows....

She didn't get mad or whatever she might've gotten.

Anything was better than her being sad.

-

"If you were my girlfriend...."

She stiffened all up and away and looked at me like I was being mean, or maybe just was stupid, but I smiled at her. She wasn't sad.

"Would you still like to go to the movies with me?"

I felt really good that I asked her, or asking her. Whatever, I felt good, even before she smiled.

When she smiled, I felt great.

----

We talked about it. Understatement of the year. We talked a LOT about it.

We talked about all the movies, and which ones we wanted to see, and even if they were good first date movies, which we hadn't before.

She talked about some of the magazines, about the dating stuff and how it wasn't.... like us. I said it was, too. We talked about that.

She was all suddenly too scared to even try going to McD's drive-through, even though we'd gone to dozens of movies before and ~hundreds~ of drive-thrus. We talked about that.

She was even worried what my sister would think, even though Val ~already~ thought I was her boyfriend and that it was great. We talked about that.

But we didn't talk about the girlfriend word.

-

Then she talked about it, sort of. A thing she was afraid of, about it.

"I'm ugly...."

"You're not ugly!! Don't say that!"

I knew from her face, even sideways, that the feeling she had sometimes was on her, that she almost ~always~ had, before. Like a flash, that not-talking face.

That she was a mask, a boy mask.

"You are ~not~ ugly!" I pulled on her arm and waist to get her to pay attention. When she did look, she had tears in her eyes.

I saw her face, maybe like she did. Her dark eyebrows and her beard shadow and her nose... like a boy.

And I saw her dark green eyes and her hair and cheeks and chin and her mouth that was... that smiled. The way her cheeks were.

"You're not ugly."

I was too embarrassed to say what I really just thought. That she was beautiful. That I could look at her forever.

I had to think so I ducked so she couldn't see me.

-

Maybe I had to duck so I couldn't see her. What if she was my girlfriend? What if she already was? Was Val right? What would I do, if she was? What if....

I had the warmest feeling in me.

-

I took a breath.

I leaned my head on her shoulder, slowly, feeling it. It felt good. I knew just from there that she was tense.

I sat up and turned a bit so I could see her. "Is it okay, if I do this?"

I'd leaned on her a million times, but I wanted it to feel it like a girlfriend, maybe.

She still looked freaked, but nodded a teeny bit, so I leaned back or relaxed a bit again and thought... mostly about what I was feeling.

Like that she was vibrating, or shivering. I had to look again. She was looking straight ahead, stiff and all tense even leaned back on my pillows. Her shoulder still felt nice, so I leaned back on it, part way, so I could see her.

"Can I tell you something?"

She nodded again and looked at me sideways. I remembered she'd get a headache so close-up without her glasses, so I sat back and stopped hugging and just took her hand.

Okay....

I let her hand go and just looked at her. I had to really think. Hard to do when all your blood is in your face.

"If... if you were... If we were... my girlfriend... then we'd... hold hands and hug and... we'd be together a lot."

She looked at me. Huge eyes. It got easier to think what I was thinking. Or to say. Even if her face was funny.

"Val said you were like my girlfriend... because you visited me all the time and brought me stuff, and I told her you were my best friend."

I smiled even though she looked scared and a bit hurt. So she was right.

"But she said if I asked you out, that was something I'd only do... with my girlfriend." I watched her face change more.

"I know it was only... before, what we were going to do before, like going to the movies... so you could stop, pretending...." I smiled because the whole idea was finally in my head.

"Remember I said you weren't ugly?" I nodded for her and took her hand. It was scary. I was major red. Her too.

"I think you look wonderful."

-

I had a really hard time still looking at her and was afraid to touch even her hand any more, for a long time. But I finally did.

----

We practiced holding them. I did, anyway. I tried all sorts of ways. They all were wonderful. Beautiful.

Carson had beautiful hands.

----

We argued about how she looked until I told her she was stupid and she told me I was blind and I pointed out that ~she~ couldn't see without coke bottles.

She said something like ~I~ was a liar and so I told her her eyes and mouth and cheeks and nose and hands and her hair and her chin, and where it... it met her, her neck... was beautiful.

Were all beautiful.

-

That shut her up.

----

When Mom got home she thought I had a fever again but I was just still red. She didn't say Carson was sick, and ~she~ was red, too!

----

She stayed for supper, and after we ate I asked Valerie to come with us up to my room.

I was able to walk pretty well with crutches by then, up steps, even if I was slow, but for a joke Carson picked me up and carried me upstairs and I laughed and held on to her neck, not for a joke, mostly. A new, wonderful... thing.

She put me on my bed backwards, which was kind of funny but that's the way she was holding me, and when I got turned around Valerie was leaning on the door frame and smiling at us like she was the smartest of them all.

I was suddenly too embarrassed to say anything, which was stupid since I invited her up in the first place....

But holding Carson's neck... had been, well... one of the best feelings I'd ever felt, and it was still vibrating in me and making all my emotions sort of... flare up.

"I gather you two have worked some things out?" Val sounded a little sarcastic, but she was smiling all over too, when I looked.

I realized I was still holding Carson's hand, and I'd been, maybe... careful or something... but ~not~ holding or touching her when others were around, before. Because she was a secret.

But not from Valerie any more. And neither was I, if she wasn't.

I looked at her, and at Carson. Mom and Dad were downstairs. I wanted to put my arms around her neck again and feel that way, and then, suddenly, I was ~REALLY~ scared.

What anyone else would say, what they would do, if they saw us like... that....

"Carse?"

She looked. I think I had a shaky voice. I almost had to whisper. "Is this what it feels like? With people... if you... tell?"

She nodded and held my hands tight in both of hers, so hard it almost hurt. I don't know what Valerie thought, but she came and sat on the bed too and at least touched my back while Carson hugged me and I cried for her.

-

I thought about how scary it was to be a secret and tell someone.

Or if they found out, even if they wouldn't hurt you... something that might make them hate you, or even just go away, and... it was so... hard. Painful. It hurt my chest, like a heart attack or something.

It didn't make any sense at all. How the secret was hard, but telling it was almost worse. Carson rocked me, or we both rocked, and Val sat with us.

-

Thinking, feeling them and knowing none of the bad stuff had happened, I finally felt better. I could breathe.

-

"Thanks." I sniffled and Val passed me some hankies.

"Better?" Carson was almost as upset as I was. I nodded. Whatever I am after crying. When the feelings go away and make me feel emptier.

Carse hardly ever cried compared to me, and she had way bigger stuff.

-

"Why were you crying?" Valerie sounded like it was just a question, and like she was scared, and her hand stayed there.

I didn't want to say. As if the feelings would come back if I figured out the words for them. But I had to know, and I really already did have the words.

I held on to Carson and closed my eyes.

"If we, like... if I kissed her...." I had to breathe really carefully and I still felt tears. "Would you laugh... at us?"

Val's hand changed on my back. Then, after a few more seconds, she rubbed it in a circle and talked really quietly.

"I'm allowed to laugh at ~you~, I'm your big sister," she pretend-joked, but she was serious.

"But I promise I'll never laugh at you for kissing anybody." She sounded like she was thinking hard.

"Either of you."

----

We talked about what we'd talked about the night before. Probably because I couldn't think any more about- about what just happened. I hung onto Carson.

-

Carson still wanted nobody else to know and at the same time she said she knew it would be better, and she was already better, after Val.

But it was so scary for her that someone else knew that she could hardly stand it and it was only because I ~already~ told Val that she could even be there. I guess it just took time to get used to such a big thing.

-

Val said she thought Brenda would be cool with us, and she knew her pretty well, but she was ~absolutely~ certain Mom and Dad would be great.

She said they already were pretty suspicious that I was gay, just because of before. And so they figured that Carson probably was too. Or something, because of me... and the Carson's mom thing that happened.

She said she'd figured that all out just from what they said when they thought she wouldn't hear them and the way they looked at us and we looked at each other.

Carson nearly freaked but Val said she was being too sensitive because they only thought that stuff because of the way ~I~ was.

I said "Hey!" or something and she looked at me like I was still being the problem.

Being as I was wrapped around Carson, as she pointed out, I couldn't argue too much. Then she looked at Carson.

"Besides, if you do Gone With the Wind, what are they supposed to think? I mean, that stunt on the stairs? Puh-leeze!"

"What stunt!?" It felt like she was picking on her!

"Carson ~carrying~ you? And ~you~ with your arms around his neck? Duh? Dad nearly ~choked!~ The only reason I think he didn't...."

I wasn't paying attention any more since Carson went stiff as a board with her eyes out of focus.

She started breathing fast, little pants, and I'm pretty sure she was close to a panic attack, but it only lasted a few seconds and then she sorta consciously breathed and un-clenched.

I breathed too. And my arms hurt.

-

"I'm sorry, guys, I'm really sorry... I wasn't thinking, and Dad really wasn't ~mad~ or anything, I was just... I'm sorry!" Val sounded almost panicked worse than Carson'd been.

-

She was sorry. But she was just normal, and right, too. I'd be a little freaked too if I saw two guys kissing in school, or something like that. And that's what Dad saw. Or what we would've almost looked like, I guess. I had to think about that. I had to look at Carson that way.

And weirdly, it looked like Carse had changed right then to just thinking, too.

She looked at me and did a tiny shocked face and I woulda laughed if I still wasn't so close to crying or freaking out again.

----

"Are you guys gonna... are you going to be like this, I mean, together, for a... for... you know?"

We both looked at Val. She listened to herself too, I guess, and snorted. Model of femininity, my sister, even if my mom snorts too.

But at least she wasn't all misery and apology any more.

"I ~mean~, are you two going to be an item?" She said it very, very politely.

"Oh."

Carson hadn't said much all evening. "Oh" said a lot.

Like, as Val told us, if we were an 'item' then maybe we ~needed~ to tell Mom and Dad. And hers, Carson's, even more, because even if they knew all about her, she kinda said they saw it as a problem, and not really, well... her.

And ~me~.

Like if she was here ~with~ me, then that was way different than just her being here.

And it would matter about ~how~ we were together, like alone and stuff... or like her carrying me.

-

An item.

-

"Do you want to be an item?" I tried to make it funny, and it was, a little. An item in the school paper?

"What's that mean?" She knew what it meant, but I guess it was still a good question. Like, what would it ~really~ mean?

Valerie sat up and then leaned back. We both looked at her and she grinned at us.

"Being... affectionate? In front of Mom and Dad, and me? And your family?" She smiled then, and kept smiling bigger.

"And all their rules and questions, like where you're going and when you'll be back and who you're going with and what age everyone is and will there be a 'responsible adult' there, and they'll want to meet with the ~parents~ after a few dates and you'll probably get a bit of 'You're not wearing ~that~ are you?'" She poked me.

I'd thought she was talking to Carson.

"You know, an item!"

She said it ~exactly~ the same time as Carson whispered, "Your own leash!"

----

Carson wanted to wait. Val thought we should tell Mom and Dad right away because she said it'd just get harder if we waited, after the stairs.

I think I sort of agreed with that, but it was still too scary for her. Maybe me too.

-

Val said we should tell Brenda too, just because she knew she was feeling left out and she was my friend.

But she only hung out with Carson when I was there, too.

-

"It'd be about ~him~ coming out, not really you," Val told Carson and poked me.

I didn't think it was about me, but I could see what she meant. And I thought I ~had~ to tell her, Brenda, so she wouldn't feel so alone, if that's what she felt like.

-

"She'd never do anything to hurt you, you know."

I knew Carson knew that, but I knew that wasn't the whole problem, either. Our parents had found out about us, sort of. Almost. But it just happened. Valerie found out the same, even if we'd told her most of it. And ~I~ told her. And then just 'cause it happened, really, the stuff... like more than Carse having to, or all by herself.

That makes about as much sense as my thinking....

-

Except for Val, it just happened, before. But we'd be ~telling~ Brenda.

-

It was all too much for one night and we decided not to do anything yet. Valerie left and closed the door again. First, she gave us both a hug.

----

"Are you really okay?"

Carson nodded, but seemed down.

"What's wrong?" I tried to make it a normal question. She didn't say anything for a moment. Then she looked at me.

"You don't have to do any of this... I really appreciate it and you're the best friend I could-"

I touched her face... put my hand on her cheek, and she stopped talking and looked at me. I think she was scared mostly.

I could feel her beard on my palm and she was really warm. It ~was~ scary. But it felt... perfect. Like my dream.

"I've thought, about you, for days and days and days and I never thought I could just ignore you... or that I could stop caring about you."

I smiled because as serious and important and true as it was, it felt ~so~ good to say.

"I care about you."

She managed a real smile, even if her voice didn't work.

"Me too."

----

We decided we had to talk more about being an item, if we wanted to be one, or to tell people that.

But when she left I wanted to try something so bad I did it without asking her.

I stood up (all by myself), hugged her down and put my cheek on hers. Right where I'd touched her.

----

Valerie pounded up the stairs about two seconds after I felt the front door close. I was still getting my leg comfortable, or thinking, which was the same thing. Or I was thinking about thinking. I needed to think. I wasn't thinking yet.

She fast-closed my door, quietly, and jumped on my bed and wiggled my whole body with both hands. "What'd you ~DO~?!"

I tried to look all normal, even if I was totally, bouncing-up-and-down HAPPY!! But I tried.

"I hugged her." I grinned because I couldn't not.

"NOT!! You hug him all the time! What'd you do? H-h... s-she looked like... like, she was on cloud nine! And ~LOOK~ at YOU!!"

I spazzed a tiny bit. She shoulda ~FELT~ like me!! I broke out in a huge smile because it was almost as nice just thinking about it.

"Wow... You have it bad!"

"What?" I didn't really care. She grinned even more.

"Girl, you're in love...."

-

End of Part 7

(Revised and reposted)

----

"Wow... You have it bad!"

"What?" I didn't really care. She grinned even more.

"Girl, you're in love...."

----

"I am not!" I tried to get stiff or something, but she was... well, I still felt completely excellent. Even if my sister was nuts.

"And I'm not a ~girl~!"

"Okay, okay...." She laughed a note. "But it's hard to tell you two apart, and ~one~ of you is sure a girl!"

"What? Whatta you mean!? ~Carson's~ a girl! ~The~ girl!! Not me!"

I thought that I might be gay, but I didn't think I should tell her that right then. She just smiled and laughed even more.

"But ~you're~ all clingy and huggy and crying and hand-holdy." She shook me again. "Hence: girly!"

I tried to be outraged, but she hit some of what I was worried about, about what the guys would say, only a different word....

"Hey, I was just kidding. Really, I know, I know Carson's a girl, and... but you're pretty different, too." She took my hand in one of hers and sort of patted my cast.

"I don't mean anything... but you're... you're more, um... emotional too, now, since the hospital...."

I probably looked worried. It was scary to hear it from Val. I guess I knew people would see, but hearing it was hard. I was even afraid to talk about it with Carson.

"I know..." I fiddled with my hand, turning it in hers.

----

I told her what I thought, about what happened to the both of us, why Carson came out to me and how it was mostly because of when I was hurt, and when she held me, how I was.

But she asked all sorts of questions, like how come everyone who breaks a leg or gets sick doesn't become all sensitive and touchy? And even if it did happen once in a while, how was it that it happened to ~both~ of us in the same moment?

I didn't have any good answers, just, just that I felt like that was what it was.

I didn't tell her, but I think I trusted how I felt more since Carson told me how ~she~ knew who she was just by feeling.

Val shook her head, almost like she was reading my mind and didn't agree.

"I think that's when you really fell in love."

"~What~?" I didn't see what she meant. She said it sort of after I was thinking about how Carson had been.... How she felt.

"I think you two probably fell in love when you were both so scared and stuff." She smiled like it was okay.

"But... we've been friends for... since high school started! It-"

"But ~you~ thought she was a boy." She pulled my hand over more.

"And ~she~ thought you were like any other boy, and would hate her, or laugh at her or something, so she would never have even looked at you that way, just to not go crazy.... She probably never thought of anyone that way."

I tried to think about that. Val kept going.

"So when you broke your leg, from what everyone says, you two were crying and holding each other and probably being closer to anyone than you've ever been in your whole adolescent life? Hunh?"

She looked at me like it was true. I was still having cold shivers about what she said, that everyone saw....

"And I bet my little brother turns out to be at least a ~little~ bit gay?"

She said it and looked like it wasn't bad with her, and I already thought that, too. It was still cold-embarrassing.

"Hmm?"

I had to nod.

"Maybe?" She just smiled. "But that's a really good thing, hey? What with Carson looking like, like she does." She smiled really big.

"Or you might not have noticed her, even sitting on you."

I had to think.

-

"How do you think she looks?" She asked it pretty quietly.

~That~ I didn't have to think about. I still had to whisper, as if it was bad, like gay.

"Beautiful."

She hummed a soft hum.

"How did you think she looked, before?"

I had to look at her again. I'd never thought about that. Good question.

I tried to remember. Then I tried to think of just one time, because I had a total mix of memories.

-

"W-w-when we m-met, in try-outs, I think I'd seen her in the halls that day, or the day before, maybe...." I tried hard to remember.

"She was handsome. I m-m--mean, with her eyes and her m-mouth and her, like, body...?"

"Is that what you thought, then, or are you thinking of her now?"

"I... I think I thought, that... then? But lots of guys are good-looking, and girls, and that doesn't m-mean I was gay. Just the... that I noticed?"

I tried to figure out if she was right, if I thought of just her, or all boys, like that....

Or even if I ever did. I couldn't remember ever thinking about having sex with a boy. I'd have remembered ~that~. But I didn't think about having sex with girls, either. I mean, I knew how, or what was supposed to happen, I guess, and guys talked about it, but I hadn't really... I guess, fantasized, about that.

But touching her. And the dreams.

-

"Mmm?" Val wiggled my leg.

"I dunno... m-m-maybe?"

"Maybe what?"

"Maybe, but I don't know if I am. Gay." I looked at her, for some reason feeling like I could talk about it.

"I don't think I've really looked at guys ~or~ girls that way, very much? Or maybe both, the same? But not...."

As soon as I said that, I knew it wasn't true. I went out with Rayne last year a couple of times and was really turned on by her. But I hadn't thought about her in a year, until that moment. And I was just excited, not really sex.

"But?" I guess Val was watching me think. I turned red from embarrassment.

"Umm... well, I guess I have, did... once, anyway...."

"Girl or boy?" She smiled like either was good.

"Rayne, um... Stevenson... a girl. Do you remember her?"

"Dark hair, tall?"

I nodded.

"Well, you have a definite type...." She grinned like the teasing had begun.

"Do you think? Really?" Hair... tall. Maybe, but I kinda felt odd that I had a 'type.' It felt stupid or something.

Val laughed and I had to look to see she was just happy.

"No, ~not~ really, not from just her and Carson. They're pretty far apart." She smiled like she was even happier. "And you have way more... you're way closer to Carson than you ever seemed with her."

I had to think to remember Rayne, and what we did... a couple of dates and dancing at Kerry's party.... That was the turn-on, when we danced. But it was like watching a film, now.

When I thought about Carson, it was something real, in my chest and stomach and my eyes. And... I wasn't thinking right.

-

Val was still smiling at me, but not like she was laughing any more.

"Are you really okay with all this? I mean, I didn't mean to make fun of you, just... well, it's all so new, y'know?" She still said it like it was good with her.

It was good with me too, sorta, but a hundred things about about how much harder it was gonna be to talk to Mom and Dad filled my head. It REALLY wasn't just about Carson.

Nope. Gay son too.

I told Val and she got serious too.

"I could tell them, for you... " She wiggled my hand, like a wave. "You told me about her.... That worked okay, right?"

I tried to think about that, but another thought got in the way.

Me, gay.

"I have to ask Carson if... I mean... tell her, about, about m-m-m-me...." The red was back. Duck and cover.

"No, you don't. Not about you." Valerie wagged my hand and tapped my own head with it.

"She already knows."

----

Carson called really late all laughing to tell me her dad was freaked because she was happy or something.

Then she said he was really just all grumpy. Then she said her mom kinda figured out some of what happened and that's what he was stomping around about.

"Happened?" I think I sounded scared.

"Yeah!" She laughed in her voice. "That you asked me to the movies."

I smiled all over. It was too embarrassing to say what else, but I could tell that's what she meant, phone where everyone might hear and all. Hearing her smile made everything perfect again.

-

We promised each other in code that we'd talk about telling Brenda and my parents the next night.

I didn't tell her about the gay thing we talked about. I was too scared. Or maybe happy.

-

Before we hung up I wanted to say something to tell her she was special. I mean, that the afternoon, and that night... were special.

That she was.

I think I missed my turn, or whatever she said, 'cause she said, "Hey? Still there?"

I still had to think. I didn't have any idea what a boy should say. They never talked about that, just dirty jokes or lying or bragging. And I couldn't remember anything from English class or... or the movies or songs....

"Carse?"

She said, "Yeah?"

She was listening. She said it quietly, too. I took a breath because it would either be the most embarrassing moment of my life, or she'd smile.

"I just... wanted... to, to tell you...."

She stayed silent. I heard her, even with no noise. I heard her breathe. I closed my eyes and tried to make her understand.

"Touching, I mean, feeling your cheek, on my face... it was the best thing I ever felt."

I was breathless.

She didn't say anything for a really long second.

"Me too. Bye."

-

I didn't hear her smile, she hung up too quick. But she did.

----

After about five minutes I couldn't stand it any more and hopped across the hall.

"Val?"

----

Carson called from school before the game to tell me she had to eat at home after because Jerri'd told her that their dad had called her and he wanted to tell them all something important. She said it didn't sound bad.

----

She drove over a little after nine thirty and had a bruise on her chin on the left side where someone had kicked her by accident and she smiled crooked. She said we had to go up to my room right away and sat me on my bed and stood in front and vibrated.

"Guess what my dad told us at supper?" From her eyes, something good.

"You're adopted and your real parents are rich?"

She laughed.

"Better! He talked with my shrink all morning today and he says from now on we all have to go to more family sessions, because Dr. Furgeson says ~they~ have to start treating me more like a girl!!"

"What!? Ohmygod, that's GREAT!!" I tried to get up but she pushed me on my back and held me down and smiled at me.

"It is...." She changed her smile to her eyes.

"I told Mom that... what we talked about, last night... after I called you." She changed her hands from holding me down to just holding me.

"I told her I cared about you." Her eyes got shiny.

"She says I have to talk to Dr. Furgeson before we can really date...."

She looked down, and then right in mine.

"I really do."

----

She went downstairs and got Valerie and we told her we were gonna tell Mom and Dad and asked her what she thought was the best way, if ~we~ could do it, not just her telling for us.

----

"Mom, Dad. We have something truly important to tell you." Even Val looked nervous.

"Truly important."

Mom and Dad looked more serious.

Carson looked like an accident victim. She was so pale her chin even looked darker. I had to fight not to grab her hand or arm or something until Val finished the hard part.

We were all on the couch, the three of us, me in the middle. Val wanted Carson in the middle, but Carse said I had to be.

"Okay." Val looked at us and tried to smile, and then stayed looking at us and did.

"You have a son and a daughter, and the Donners just have two daughters."

She didn't even say what we ~planned~ she should!

I tried to... I don't know, but Carson put her hand on my arm and I stopped.

She smiled like it was alright, and then at Mom and Dad and I looked and they looked like they hadn't even heard, and just looked at us.

I started to get- Mom smiled at her.

"We thought that might be it. How are you doing, Carson?"

-

It was too much... relief or something... and Carson had to hold me and tell me it really ~was~ okay for about ten minutes before I could stop.

Mom rubbed my back and Val told them that amazingly no, ~I~ wasn't a girl.

Carson laughed at her and I got mad, or pretended to, but I was too happy.

----

They asked Carson all sorts of questions I don't think I would have thought of in ten years. Parents' point of view I guess, 'cause she whispered that lots of them were the same stuff her mom and dad asked her too.

They asked me stuff too, like more about if we were... well, ~us~ stuff....

We, Carson mostly, told them about the dating thing, and her trying stuff out, and I guess we both sounded like it was more practice than real, I guess. Val looked at me like she knew that, anyway. Or like it wasn't too bad they thought that, anyway.

Then Dad asked if I was gay, which we ~had~ thought of, of course. Me and Val.

He somehow said it like it had nothing to do with Carson being a girl or anything else... just me. And like it wasn't bad at all.

Val looked at me. Then Carson did, totally different. I hadn't told her about it like I wanted, before, and I'd thought of about twenty bad things about it since I talked with Val, but I figured out the best thing right then.

I couldn't look up at any of them, but Val held my hand and Carson didn't move away, even though I worried she would, even then.

"Maybe... or partly. I dunno...."

I looked into Carson's eyes, and tried to smile all the stuff I could at her.

"But I found out I mostly like girls."

----

Dad kept calling her 'him' and stuff, way more than Mom, and even though it was by accident I started to get mad and Val told me to chill out and then Carson grabbed me in a backwards hug and pulled me close.

"Thanks for thinking about me..." She leaned her head against mine so her mouth was close to my ear. "But your dad just isn't used to me and doesn't mean anything, really, and I don't want you to get in trouble, and if you do they won't let me touch your cheek again, like last night."

She touched my cheek with hers, from behind.

I didn't notice other things for a while until Mom laughed and I looked, and then Val smiled at me.

"I told 'em ~I~ still thought you made a pretty good girl too."

Carson hugged me tight for a second and made a tiny sound that wasn't a laugh and then she whispered in my ear. "I love you ~any~ way."

I think my eyes almost rolled back I tried to look at her so hard, but she kept her head hidden behind me.

----

"That was the most exciting evening I have ~ever~ had in my LIFE!!" Valerie was kind of strange-hyper. She glared at us. "Now, STOPIT!"

Carson jerked me and laughed hard, even if it was just a second. She sounded like it was hard to keep it in, and like maybe she understood whatever Val meant.

We were sitting back on Val's bed and she had her stereo on quiet to give us some privacy and she said we had to be with her so Mom and Dad wouldn't get weird about Carson and me being alone together since they were still trying to get used to it. To her. Me. Us. Us was the hardest part, almost. Us.

Carson kind of cuddled me sideways against her because it was my new best position for relaxing my hip, which was more pain than my leg. Hip pain and foot cramps. The busted up part in the middle was pretty good, compared.

And resting my face against her chest was better than relaxing. More like perfect. Us.

"Oh, jeeze...." Val made the bed jiggle but I just barely noticed. "You are ~such~ a girl...."

She sure was.

Everything was great. Carson rocked me closer and I hummed even more. Longer, I mean. But I was really quiet.

----

I ~so~ wanted her to sleep over like she did before but Val and Carson both said that couldn't happen and I guess I knew that too, but I ~sooo~ wanted her to!

It was like everything was lighter. Like tomorrow would be better than I'd thought it would before. It didn't make sense, but it was like that. Except she was going away, and even if she was coming back for lunch, or around lunch, she'd be... away.

-

She hugged me differently, harder and softer at the same time, and I tried to keep Val from hearing because she'd make fun of me.

----

Val talked to Mom and got permission or something and I slept in her room.

She hugged me almost as nice as Carson until she fell asleep. She'd switched Dad's big pajamas for a long nightgown too. They felt the same.

-

Not Val and Carse... never mind.

----

I had a dream that I fell, and instead of my leg, it was Carson holding me and she kissed me. I woke up then, sort of, and Val was there and I remembered and smiled my way back to sleep.

----

My leg didn't look that bad. The stitches had mostly come out by themselves and the ones that were still there were gross, with little, deep, red-black holes, but the pinkness was going away bit by bit and the two big scars from before were almost smooth and except for the bumps where the bone and steel was uneven and the little pit where the muscle was gone, I thought it might look okay.

It didn't hurt much at all to put it up without the cast and I had a way deeper bath than usual and soaked and remembered my dream.

It hadn't been like the ones before, thank goodness, but it was better, too. I've never been kissed before....

----

Saturday morning, I sat outside to keep him company while Dad painted the outside trim, he said before it got frosty. The smell was wonderful, the paint, the grass, and where mint or clover was when he walked on them. I loved the smells. I sat back in the cool air under the big afghan from the den and just breathed and smiled.

My foot was cold and it was just that right kind of cold, more like a tickle than a pain. My back was pinched or... bunched in one spot between the chair slats, and it felt just like summer for some reason.

A hundred things from the summer all came back.

I closed my eyes and started crying.

----

When I heard him, Dad was sitting on the deck beside me, on the floor. He had his hand on my arm and was looking at me.

He was worried, I guess, but he just watched and didn't say anything. I felt like I had to explain, and wiped my face.

"M'sorry. I was just... sad, how I missed...." I realized it wasn't just summer.

"Dad?" I scrunched up my face.

He put his painty hand on mine and sat up so he was closer. "Can I get you anything?"

"Do you still love me?" I choked and turned so I couldn't see his eyes. "If I love Carson?"

He made a sound and then put his arms all around me, my shoulders, and hugged me tight.

"Always. We'll always love you. Don't ever worry that we won't love you...." He talked like Carson, almost.

"Do you love, her?"

"I think...." I had to stop a second. "I don't know. I think so. I've never been in love before."

I rolled back so I could look in his face to see what he thought, and because he was there, and took his arm.

He looked at me different. "Why were you crying?"

I teared up again and looked down at his arm and just talked.

"I was thinking how bad it was when they were... gonna... cut off my leg... and, and the... nightmares and... and last night I dreamed she saved me and... and I was smelling the paint and mint and it's all different than just... it's like I, I just, turn around, and everything's ~different~!! And it's all been so bad, and now Carson's so, I dunno, so right, and you and Mom are so great but it's all going so fast and I'm afraid I'll just... ~fall~... and... it'll be... ~gone~... ~forever~ and... and... an..."

I started being a crybaby again and he said he didn't hate me, he loved me. And Mom loved me. Even if I loved girls ~or~ boys.

He kissed my forehead to prove it.

----

When Carson came just before lunch, Mom smiled at her and said we could be in my room alone and I couldn't wait another second after we got there, and I kissed her.

-

Her beard wasn't scratchy at all, it felt...

and her breath....

I couldn't tell what her lips felt like... my lips were electric, or tickling, or vibrating or something....

Like they were everything.

Where our lips touched. The atoms where they touched.

Her breath! Her lips!

-

When she moved them, the atoms exploded. All of me.

-

After about a year, I could feel, and her lips were soft and warm, and ~all~ ... everything....

-

When I opened my eyes she was smiling at me and brushed my hair out of the way, and kissed me again.

-

All of it. Her.

----

She said we had to stop because I was all red around my mouth and Mom or Dad would see. But if they wouldn't get mad, then I didn't want to stop, but she said even ~if~ they wouldn't get mad, they might say we couldn't be alone in my room if I was going to get all whisker-burned.

-

I wanted to cry again, it was so unfair, but kissing so her beard didn't rub too much was still great.

-

I found out she ~really~ liked hard kissing at the side of her neck, from how much she stopped moving when I stopped kissing. I liked it too, 'cause she tasted ~wonderful~ there.

----

At lunch, Mom and Dad said I had to go see a psychiatrist or psychologist or something, because they thought I might be depressed, and it had nothing to do with Carson.

Carson said I might have post-traumatic stress because she saw a show about it about a year ago and she always thought everyone had it from everything.

Val was out shopping or she would've diagnosed me too, I'm sure. Probably 'terminally girly' or something.

But Carson said, really, going to a shrink was okay, just talking, and I'd seen one in the hospital already and he even gave me truth serum or something and that turned out alright, and they didn't always have to diagnose something and hers didn't really with her and for sure not her family, they might just want me to talk out my problems and that's all she did, and besides it was really great what hers had already done for her mom and dad and Jerri, after the written test part.

I didn't say anything about her three minute sentence, or medication, but I thought it.

Mom said I was "situationally depressed" in the hospital, and I still had some kind of anorexia too. Big help. Thanks, Mom.

So Carson said maybe I'd need a straightjacket. Dad remembered a movie where the "odd" child was in a straightjacket... do you remember that one, dear? Mom laughed and told them to stop, and besides, nowadays they had drugs that would keep me nice and quiet without a straightjacket, and except for drooling I'd be as good as new.

"He already drools." Carson wiped her thumb on my lip and Mom spluttered or something and I think Dad laughed while I swatted her hand away and tried to wipe ~her~ drool!

----

Mom and Dad were both worried that I wasn't eating enough because I'd lost so much weight and everything, but the problem was that I wasn't ~doing~ anything either.

I'd only felt safe even just going down the stairs in just the last week (up was way easier) and that was about when I started to feel good just standing, too. So I didn't think it was anything too much.

Besides, I just wasn't hungry most of the time.

-

Carson didn't think it was too bad either, or at least she didn't say anything too much about it. She did say there was no way I was gonna make the team again.

"Why not?!" As soon as I said that I knew it was dumb. The season was almost over, just a month left even if we made post-season, and I'd still have the cast. But she looked like it was something more than that.

"I...." She looked at her legs, and mine. "I wouldn't want to tackle you...." About ten things went through my head, but I thought she mostly meant because I was still healing....

"There's, I mean, I doubt if your leg's ever gonna be strong enough for football, with the rod and screws... and... all."

And after the infection they took out... much. Oh.

Even though the doctors said I'd be as good as new, what they ~meant~ was I'd walk without a limp.

If I worked really, really, ~really~ hard at it.

And that was all.

-

End of Part 8

(Revised and reposted)

----

Even though the doctors said I'd be as good as new, what they ~meant~ was I'd walk without a limp.

If I worked really, really, ~really~ hard at it.

And that was all.

----

Sedative again. But Mom said it was just so I could relax, not because I was crazy, and ~anyone~ would be upset.

They left us alone on the deck after Dad dug the lounger cushions back out from storage, and we got to sit together and talk. Carson and me.

----

Something woke me up and Carson was holding me in her sleep and it was perfect. There was tree leaf-noise in the breeze and still the smell of paint, and it was cool but we were warm. The sun was really low and the house across the lane had a golden window where it reflected the sky.

And Carse was holding me, like I was the girl.

It wasn't ever going to be better. Ever. I should just....

-

That wasn't right.

----

I was afraid to tell Carson 'cause she'd feel guilty or something, but I had to tell Mom and Dad as fast as I could because I had a thought that I should hide it, not tell them....

How better it would be if I just died.

Right then. As fast as I could.

It scared me more than anything in my whole life had ever before, even seeing my leg, even hearing 'amputate.'

How much I wanted to. Never be afraid or hurt any more.

Never feel better. Never feel the same.

----

I didn't want one of the sedative pills because I wondered if the one I took before was part of it, but I felt better anyway, and I had to tell Carson because she was half-freaking about me, about the way I'd gotten away from her....

It must've seemed like... her. But I was just running to Mom and Dad and after I told her that, she understood and kissed me better, a little peck.

"It's okay."

----

I was never going to play football again. Maybe never run.

And it wasn't over, yet.

----

Mom said she was depressed once, after Val was born, maybe even before, but she took a drug and talked to a counselor and she'd been better ever since.

She said the drug never made her feel weird and she couldn't even tell she was taking it or feel it, but one day she was just better. She said she had to notice, like 'Oh... I guess I'm getting better!'

-

I ran the stuff we were talking about and the stuff I was thinking and not saying, together. Put it together.

"How come I'm-" I almost asked a truly dumb question out loud.

"How come you're depressed?" Or maybe I did. I nodded.

Mom held my hand more and Carson held the rest of me more. Mom talked pretty quietly, serious.

"Maybe because you were so hurt, or scared, or because of all the time you were in the hospital, or the drugs you were given. Maybe you're like I was, and didn't even know you were, before, but it's just worse now." She squeezed my hand.

"Or even just all the changes. Even good change is hard, and you've had some really big things happening to you."

Mom talked like she'd studied it, and I guess she'd be a bit of an expert.

"But...." I squirmed a bit against Carson, and tried to look at her far enough away for her to see me.

-

I had the awful idea that falling in love might be a 'good change,' and stressful, and make me depressed. But... it didn't make any sense that feeling like that and feeling like ~that~ could be from the same thing.

I'd felt like killing myself so suddenly, and been so afraid almost as fast. Faster.

Like two feelings from the same thing, maybe.

-

A saying came into my head. Falling head over heels.

----

Mom and Dad said I had to see a shrink right away, not just before school. Carson said I did too. When Val got home and they told her, she said I had to too.

----

All the rest of that evening, even if everyone was a bit down, I told them that I really wasn't depressed, just nervous at how it happened.

They believed me and all, I think, but Carson was clingy and I was worse.

----

After I took off the cast for my bath, even though it ~really~ ached to do it, standing up, I balanced on the scale. I was thirty-eight pounds less than I was before.

After she helped me sit in the tub and washed around my incisions and down by my foot, I told Val. She looked all sad.

She said she out-weighed me by eleven pounds. She left after she made sure I was okay. And said nothing was wrong.

-

Dad helped me out of the tub because Val hadn't left me dry towels close enough to reach. And I couldn't get up wet, or holding the soaked one that I wore in, even with help. Or put it on again, wet.

-

I thought she was mad at me, but after I dried she made Mom let me sleep with her again and she dried my hair and then held me until I can't remember.

And she gave me her comfiest, warmest, softest nightie, too.

She told me.

----

There wasn't any kind of counseling on a Sunday except maybe church stuff, but we weren't religious.

Mom found a phone-in place that was for people who were worse than I ever was but they gave her all sorts of advice and the good part was that Carson was supposed to stay with me when she came over, or her and whoever, but I wasn't supposed to be alone.

They talked to me too, the man on the phone, and he said I had to listen to Mom and Carson and everyone, and he made me promise to, like "I ~promise~ to...."

----

Carson's parents came over with her (to do the leash thing she whispered) and 'meet' with Mom and Dad, and me too, I guess, even if they've known me for years and Mom and Dad too, kinda.

But it was more about us being an item.

----

After we all were social and too quiet for a while, Mom made us go up to Val's room and she said to the Donners that it was neutral territory or something like that. More than my room, anyway. And not to spy on them.

Val punched my arm for some reason, even though she was the spy in the family. Not hard, but she had to turn around to do it.

-

Carson brought in one of the comfy den chairs that were still all in my room and when we were settled on her bed, Val plopped in the chair and put her feet up and smiled as if yesterday and the morning hadn't even happened.

Carson leaned back even more on the headboard and I curled up around her and to tell the truth, I didn't feel like any kind of depression had ever happened either.

Her arm around my back felt like heaven and... I could hear her heart.

I started to cry just because it really all ~was~ so perfect.

-

They thought that it wasn't normal or healthy to cry when I felt perfect, and Val told Mom and Dad, and Carson's too I guess, after she checked about ten times that Carson was okay with me.

I realized they were going to make her go away, or me go into the hospital again, the psych ward or something, and then I cried for real.

Because I was afraid. Because I knew they were right.

I kept flickering back and forth to how death would be... an answer, maybe. I didn't even know to what, when I felt so safe.

-

No, I didn't feel safe at all.

----

Mom and Dad and Carson took me to the hospital in Dad's car, my leg on Mom's lap, and the others came... in some other car, I guess. I cried when I could get the energy, and just shivered when I wore out.

-

I was too afraid to go into the emergency waiting room so Carson sat with me in the car while Mom and Dad went in to do whatever. Commit me.

After about fifteen seconds, it felt like, they came out and then drove us around to another door and we all got out with Carson holding me and we all went in.

And I was committed. Just me.

Carson was still there. She saw.

----

It was a regular ward, not a psychiatric one. A regular kid's ward anyway. Pediatric.

I was put in a private room that looked right out at the nurse's station. And the doctor who signed me in and the nurses all said the only way I wouldn't have to be strapped down in the bed was if I was never alone. Suicide watch, but they called it "making sure I felt safe."

-

They had trouble with my IV, finding a vein, and after they made a few holes that went nowhere, they ended up putting it in the back of my right hand, almost right in the wrist, and it stung like fire. Then they taped my hand and arm to a plastic board so I wouldn't bend it and stab myself. Worse.

Everything kept getting worse.

----

Mom and Dad said the doctor I'd seen before was coming in soon.

And they told me the ~only~ reason we were at the hospital was because they loved me so much they didn't want to take a single, tiny chance, and there wasn't any other counseling on a Sunday, and NOT because I was crazy.

Even while they talked, all I could think of was how bad the night would be, and the next day, and everything forever after that wasn't even possible to imagine. Carson wasn't there, then.

Her parents always seemed nice, but they saw, and they'd hate me, and I was crazy.... They'd had a hard time with Carson, and I was crazy. They'd never let her near me again. Like before.

-

Everyone would be sad. But I was crazy, so not too sad. Carson would be better off.

I couldn't say the end, but I knew what it was.

----

Everyone did stay a while. After they came in for a minute, Carson's parents had to wait somewhere else because there wasn't room, but they were somewhere.

Carson stayed a little longer.

Then they all left. Mom and Dad and Val kissed my forehead. Carson too. I noticed it was my forehead. My lips weren't good anymore. They left all together.

----

The doctor from before came and injected a drug in my IV, like before, like usual. He said what it was, like I'd understand. He just talked.

----

He made me talk, and I can't remember much.

About tomorrow and the next day.

What I was imagining. What were the words. Or what I was thinking when I'd started to cry in the morning, or with Carson. He asked me if I knew I was skinny and I tried to make him go away. He asked me if I wanted to die and I cried, at him, how he was hurting me.

Or I might have just cried at everything.

----

When I woke up there was another bed in the room and Mom was right beside me, asleep.

I was tied down, but just my arm, with the IV. And the other one. The other arm without the IV. I thought that that made sense. There was big clear bag on the IV, dripping pretty fast.

I wasn't really locked up, either... just velcro. Easy velcro.

There were flowers on the little dresser and more on the eating table I could see from the hall light.

It wasn't even light out. I wasn't really bright either.

-

I was careful, but I rattled the bed a little when I tried to sit up because I couldn't reach the button. The switch thing. The caller.

Mom woke up with a jerk but smiled at me right away.

"How are you, baby?" Her face got a little less happy when she said that, I guess because I wasn't a baby, but I understood.

"M'm ber'r." Annnnnd my tongue didn't work. I made a face to fix it.

-

We had to be careful of the stupid drip line, but she hugged me hard enough to make us both happier.

----

We talked, just about stuff, until a nurse came in to check on me and took off the straps after she told me about five times to be careful, and gave me two pills that she said were a painkiller for my leg, even though it didn't hurt really, and the other one was for mild anxiety or something, and she told us that there was another bunch of flowers for me at the nurses' station. She put on a new IV bag too and tut-tutted about my hand, or something about the holes on my hands and arms that were huge bruises by then. On my hand, I hadn't even noticed that the needle was in a different place again. Still my hand, but a different vein.

Mom went to get the flowers after the nurse said it was okay and she'd wait with me and she smiled at me totally weirdly until Mom came back with a big bouquet and a balloon with a picture of a little girl in a funny dress and hat that said Strawberry Shortcake, and then ~I~ smiled my head off.

I made Mom make sure Carson wasn't in the hospital and she had to tell me she was ~sure~ she wasn't and would be home getting ready for school before I let her tie the balloon to the bed rail instead of me holding it, close enough that I could get it in a few seconds. When I touched the ribbon string, it bounced and turned and I thought of her. Carson.

The nurse thought I was nuts, I bet, but then, that's why I was there, and she wouldn't let Mom tie it to my free wrist which would've solved it anyway. But she said it'd get in the way, even if they'd already glued a stupid paper bracelet there and she never said ~that~ got in the way!

-

The card said Carson had to go to school and she'd be back about three-thirty because she was gonna skip practice. And she loved me.

I read it again. She said she loved me. 'I love you'

The flowers were from Carson's parents and Jerri. And the balloon was just from her. Carson. And she still loved me.

I didn't show Mom the card even though she kept asking whenever I looked at it.

There wasn't anyplace in the stupid nightgown thing for her card. I put it under my pillow.

Then I just held it.

'I love you'

-

We talked some more, just not about the card. A lot more.

Dad and Val had had to go to school and work too, and they told her to tell me they loved me. And the Donners all said I had to get better too.

She said they all waited until after ten before they had to leave, before they made Carson go home. That they hadn't left, they hadn't gone away. And I was asleep before nine and fell asleep on the doctor, she said.

I almost remembered what Dr. Wilkinson talked about with me and told Mom what I could, about how I was so afraid that nothing was ever going to be for sure again, and that I had to, or that I was trying to feel everything 'cause I thought I never would again. At least, that was what I'd told him, or he'd said I said, or something like that.

That I felt like everything was the last time.

And he said I was for sure depressed about my leg and all that stuff and he made me tell him more about Carson and me, and I couldn't remember a whole lot after that, but that he wasn't mad.

I couldn't remember why I remembered that I thought he'd be mad. Or if I thought that then, or just then....

Mom hardly talked, really, but we talked. I couldn't stop. I remembered he said something about me starving, too. He asked about it, anyway.

We talked a long time.

----

A lady came around seven with breakfast with scrambled eggs and toast and applesauce and about a ~dozen~ glasses! Milk, and hot water in a little jug and orange and apple juice and a pitcher of ice water and she joked that I must be very thirsty and Mom told her I was dehydrated.

I hadn't even known that.

After the lady left Mom watched me pick at it and kinda suggested I have more, but it wasn't very good and I wasn't very hungry either. I drank the milk and some juice and felt too full of liquid.

It was weird to use the wrong hand, and that made it even less... appetizing, I guess.

-

Mom kept trying to suggest stuff, I guess to make me eat, like "would you like some ketchup on the eggs?" and I started to feel scared and couldn't even look at it any more. I almost spilled some of the juice and everything, pushing it away.

I said I had to go to the the bathroom and Mom asked if I needed help and I had to think.

She pressed the call button.

It was too complicated with the line and my crutches and I really just wanted to ask how, but a nurse came, a really big tall man, and he wasn't happy that I hadn't eaten everything either.

He didn't say that, but I could tell. He smiled and everything, but I could tell. Mom didn't say she was mad, either.

-

He said Mom should wait out in the hall and closed the door and pulled the curtain past the door too and helped me off the bed by lifting me up under my shoulders and good leg and then into the bathroom, kinda hug-carrying me because I was wobbly and couldn't hold my crutches right. Or the IV thing. I couldn't hold my right one at all, I guess. My crutch.

He said I had to leave the door open when I went and I had to sit (as if I could stand) and after he helped me down, he watched. Then he helped me get the stupid gown up out of the way. ~Then~ he watched.

-

The tub/shower thing was too close for my leg and I had to almost sit sideways. And use my left hand, 'cause the IV was in my right one. And the board thing.

Everything was awkward, especially him watching, even if he wasn't, really. I dropped the gown on the right side again and then the left... and he helped again and I complained that a ~regular~ nightie would be way better. And warmer. And feel nicer. And... well, they didn't have pockets, either....

I took a long time just to start and tried to look at the tub thing and the wall, and the floor.

Then, past the nurse, I saw Carson's balloon... and could relax, I guess. Start, anyway.

He noticed me and looked too and then smiled really big at me and pointed at his shoulder.

"Hey, look!"

His top, or smock, or whatever you call a yellow scrub shirt if it has different TV cartoons all over it... one of them was Strawberry Shortcake! Almost the exact same picture!

I had an easier time after that.

-

I had a really embarrassing problem finishing. I couldn't hold the toilet paper right in the wrong hand, or use it right. Or even balance. I almost fell off.

The nurse guy just smiled and made little jokes about his shirt and all the pictures and did the same washcloths thing as Mom did before when I was really sick, and he made it okay the same, after I was scared.

-

He carried me back to bed after, too. Or carried me, anyway. I don't remember where. But I ended up in bed. And I remember him carrying me.

----

I woke up and Mom was there and right away she buzzed the buzzer button, and after only a few seconds the same nurse man came back to change my bandage on my leg. Mom said he'd told her to call him so I could be awake. Or when I was.

Mom said she was going to go for a coffee and the nurse said she should wait outside if she came back before he was done. She gave me a little hug and he closed the door for her.

-

I don't think I'd said a single word since waking.

He pulled the curtain closed again.

I was a bit embarrassed with him because of the bathroom and didn't say anything and just watched.

He didn't seem to mind, and was really cheery and told me all along what he was gonna do and what he was doing, and asked if it was okay, like "Now I'm gonna lift here and you tell me if I'm going too fast, okay?"

He had a push cart thing with all sorts of bandage stuff. He undid the velcro on my cast, made sure my leg was all supported on pillows, and then lifted it in one hand and arm, almost like it was a baby, and slid the cast part down and around and off and then really slowly, carefully, put my leg down and slowwwwly peeled the bandage off.

He stood up straight and stared at it.

"Wow, that's a ~baaad~ one! What'd you do, lose a fight with an alligator or something?!"

I was surprised he'd say anything like that. I thought nurses had to always make it seem like it was nothing, or say it'd be okay. They had, before, even when they lied.

"I, um, had a, a, an... accident... a broken leg, and got, um, it got infected...."

I was too shy to look at him and looked at Carson's balloon instead, but it was right in front of him, or nearly, between, and suddenly it was all too hard....

"Here... hold this out of the way for me, okay?" He smiled at me really gently. I mean, like he was trying not to look like a big man or something, and took the ribbon and held it towards me and I took it even though it was still tied to the rail, and it came down.

I think I sort of hid behind it while he tickled at my leg.

It didn't even hurt any more to change the gauze. Except for a few deep scabs and the last stitches, all the incisions were healed over. Mom and Dad changed the bandages all the time but I couldn't do a sit-up enough to.

He soaked a cloth and little swabs that he dipped in warm water and made tiny, little cleaning touches and then he took towels and patted it all, and then a swab and cream and warned me it might sting or be cold, and touched all the open parts and it was just cool, but he didn't hurt. Then he folded gauze and put it down so I could hardly feel it and taped it on almost as soft.

Like he wouldn't hurt me, ever. Like he didn't even know me, and he tried so hard....

"There, all nice and clean again." He smiled, I could tell, but I was afraid to look. He put his hand on my leg, on the bandage, but so it didn't press on the cut.

"Hey there, are you okay?"

It was way too much.

-

He asked if it was alright if he hugged me, and then after I couldn't talk, asked if I could nod or shake my head.

He was bigger than Carson, or Dad, or anyone who'd ever held me, and didn't do it as hard. He still made it better.

-

He asked why I was so upset and I told him Mom was afraid because I couldn't eat breakfast and he said I'd still made a pretty big dent in it....

-

He told me they were ~allowed~ to give hugs and stuff. I told him they never did when I'd been there before and he said that was stupid and he bet I'd been pretty lonely.

I started to bawl.

----

Paul, his name tag said Paul, buzzed and got another nurse to come with another breakfast. Toast and juice, anyway. A lady came after with more.

-

He spread applesauce on a piece of toast and held it and I thought I had to and took a bite and he wiped my chin with the napkin and I laughed because there wasn't anything on it, and then he fed me the rest of the piece and spread the other half and I ate that one too.

He held up forkful after forkful of the scrambled eggs for me and I ate it all. And all the milk and some more apple juice he got more of, or called for, anyway. The same nurse brought it and he told her I was an apple monster, like I was a little kid.

-

Between bites and sips he talked with me for about a half hour, after he'd asked me if I wanted to. He said the other nurse would tell Mom I was okay.

We didn't talk about depression stuff like Dr. Wilkinson, more about what the hospital was like the last times, like about the food and my doctors and the nurses and the pain medicine pump I'd had and all that. Even about how I got the infection, or how it happened.

What happened.

His name was Paul Kirby. His name tag had a picture of Dora the Explorer. He said there weren't ~any~ good boy tags except Spongebob and that was taken by a guy named Bob, and he didn't look ~anything~ like Spongebob! Even if he did sound the same....

And Paul said Dora was more like him anyway. And who wanted to be a ~SAVE-UM~!? Some nurse in the hall said "Hey!" and a kid laughed.

-

He asked about my balloon and I was afraid to tell him and then thought that was... stupid.

He was like, like anything I said would be okay. I don't know why, but maybe his hug had really made me trust him. I was still only able to whisper it, and I hid.

"My girlfriend gave it to me... she bought it for me last night... and it was here this morning, outside." I peeked to see if he would do anything.

He smiled. "She must like you a lot."

That made me smile too. "Yeah." I touched the ribbon so it'd move and thought about her. Her card. I liked her a lot too.

"Is she the tall girl the nurse from last night told me about?"

I looked at him like he was confused.

"She said there was a tall, strong girl who pretty well bugged her to death about you." He smiled like anything I said would be okay.

I think my eyes closed all by themselves. A tall, strong girl. I leaked a tear and nodded.

"That's Carson. She's transsexual." I barely whispered it.

I couldn't look at him, or even the balloon, and I felt kinda light-headed. I'd never told anyone but Val and Mom and Dad, but I wanted her to be okay to visit me. And I wanted to talk to Paul. Not lie.

"And she's your girlfriend?" He didn't move, but like it was normal, not like he was tense. I really listened hard.

I finally nodded. "Yeah." I could still only whisper, but it felt good to say that.

"Cool."

I had to listen, and then think about what he said, and then how he'd said it. Like, cool.

I peeked at him and he was smiling the same way, except he took a hankie and wiped my eyes.

"Still shy about having a girlfriend?" He changed to a wider smile and winked. I stared at him.

"Of course, here on the ward you have to observe the rules about girlfriends and keep your smooching to your room." He fake-got-serious.

"We don't want the kids getting ideas and then have everyone kissing and hugging and dancing all over the place. They're supposed to be at least a ~little~ bit sick!" He poked my leg where there wasn't any stuff. It didn't hurt at all.

"It's very contagious, the icky kissing stuff. We have to keep it under strict control, being as we're a hospital and all."

I must have still looked weird, but I was getting it. Kids' ward.

"I'm probably already infected." I smiled as much as I could manage.

"Oh... yeah... hmmmumm." He stood up more and popped his finger at my balloon.

"Well, I guess it'd be okay for you to kiss ~her~ then." He picked up my cast and opened the straps and wiped the inside with a new cloth. I'd forgotten it was even off.

"And hugging will ~probably~ be okay tooooo...."

He looked sternly at me as he eased it under and around my leg. "But ~only~ your friends and family and your girlfriend. Understood?"

I knew he was treating me like a five-year old, but right then I felt like it was perfect. "Okay! Carson and Mom and Dad and Val and..."

He looked confused.

"My big sister Valerie."

He smiled again and barely tightened the mesh and straps. Or did it so it didn't pinch. He was so careful it was hard to tell.

"Okay. I'll tell all the other nurses and any doctors who wander onto the floor. Hugs and kisses from all of them, but ~no~ dancing, or at least mostly in your room." He reached down like a handshake and I shook back with my left hand.

"And any other kids in here, you can only hold hands or hug, okay? No kissing... except on the top of the head. Or elbows." He packed up some stuff he'd opened and put the wet cloths and stuff in a pail in the bathroom, talking all along.

"If you REALLY need a bigger kiss, I guess one or two are okay with the other kids on the ward, but just one or two... cheeks and noses only! Don't make Carson jealous!"

He winked at me and rolled the tray thing to the end of my bed.

"Oh, and of course, the nurses are quite immune. We're all completely vaccinated, you know."

-

I spread the infection a little farther and he rubbed my back.

----

"Mom, this is Paul!" I sort of rushed to introduce them since she rushed into the doorway when he opened it. He stopped and smiled at me, and then her, and shook her hand.

She said something like "Oh...." and Paul smiled at her and then me.

"Pleased to meet you, Mommy. I've just been talking with your son about how to make the hospital a better place to stay." He winked back at me and I guess I beamed.

"He's given me quite a few good ideas... infection control and patient, um, feedback." He looked at his watch.

"Oh darn! He's due for a hug right about now and I'm afraid I've gotten behind on my rounds... could you please see to it? He knows how." He gave me a little salute and stepped out, pushing the cart.

Mom looked at the door, or the hallway outside, I guess. I smiled my head off at her and gave the universal sign.

----

We talked more, and I think I was remembering all sorts of things, like from school last year, and a lot from the summer, from the spring, mostly about Carson, but about Brenda and Valerie and a few times when we all went out, like once to a movie that had a blackout and we never even saw the end, and one time to the pool and Brenda and Valerie and Jason and a bunch of Heather's friends and some of Val's did a kind of diving contest even though they were mostly pretty awful, but we didn't tell them. That was the summer before, I thought. It was warm, anyway....

Paul brought us both a muffin and a small can of milkshake stuff for me just then and said he'd have to come back to hear the whole story and laughed at me and even hugged me before he left.

-

Dad came in when Mom was still buttering. The muffins.

"Hi, Dad!" I was going to tell Mom he was there and then caught myself because she probably knew. But there was other stuff....

"Paul brought us muffins and there's only two but you can have half of mine and Carson got me this balloon and her mom and dad and Jerri, do you know Jerri..? Anyway, they got those flowers!" I looked at the other flowers and wondered where they came from? It took a second to remember.

He stopped saying whatever he was going to, but smiled even bigger. He came over and gave me a hug too, and a kiss on the head. "Who's Paul?"

"Paul's my nurse! Well... he's ~a~ nurse, but he's mine too. He's really nice and he says the night nurses were looking at Carson and said she's tall and strong!"

I smiled how right they were and then I looked at her balloon again and wiggled the ribbon so it bounced and turned more so I could see her. Strawberry Shortcake.

"He's a little high." Mom sounded weird.

"What?" I looked, but she was just buttering and then Daddy was sitting by my bed and laughing. "What?"

They didn't say anything what and Mommy started laughing too.

"What!?"

She was taking a long time, and I watched the butter and little plastic knife. I was suddenly really hungry.

----

I only could eat half a muffin anyway and was full, 'cause I had some milkshake too, but it was good. I sucked my fingers clean so I wouldn't get her balloon dirty, and watched it shine.

Daddy was talking.

"What?"

He smiled at me. "I said I have to get back to work, but I'm glad to see you're so happy this morning."

I guess I looked a lot less happy because he gave me a long, strong hug and whispered that he loved me very much and he'd be back at suppertime.

Even though he smiled and kissed me goodbye, he wasn't happy, I could tell, and I cried a while after. Mommy made it better, though.

-

I think I was high.

----

Dr. Wilkinson came with Paul just before lunch and Paul sat with me and we talked about Carson while Mom talked in the doorway with the doctor. He gave me a little hug before he left, too. Paul did.

-

Only Dr. Wilkinson came in, and he shut the door.

I think I looked at the door instead of him. It almost took that long to understand. Then I looked at my leg, or the bump of my leg. And at where the ribbon was tied to the railing. I couldn't remember if he knew about Carson. I didn't know if I wanted him to.

He checked my hand but didn't put anything in my IV and I think the relaxing stuff was still working, so when we talked it was different. I even had a hard time remembering what he asked and had to get him to explain some stuff. Words.

-

He knew about Carson and pretty well everything that'd happened, or at least what happened. The things. Not why. I said that, once, when he got it wrong.

He said that's why I was in the hospital, so we could figure out why, and then fix it.

I missed some stuff thinking about what he meant by fix. What ~fix~ meant. Fix what?

He asked me about feelings, like the things that went with the bad feelings I'd had, like what I was thinking, and doing, and what my body felt like.

He asked about all sorts of stuff, but he asked most about my body, and stuff like that. What I thought it looked like. What I felt like about my body. Even if I hated it or liked it. He said some stuff about clothes and Val's nighties, too, but he said mine.

He said I was so skinny I was sick, and that was a big part of it. Being in the hospital. He asked about eating, a lot. Or not eating, anyway.

-

A new lady knocked and brought in lunch and Dr. Wilkinson said Mom could come in too and he talked to us both while I ate. I really just drank. Some kinda smoothie. And some corn. The toast didn't look as good as with Paul and I wondered if they still had any applesauce. Or if I could ask.

The doctor asked Mom some of the same stuff he'd asked me, but about me, and about how she saw everything. Then he changed his voice and I listened more.

"How do you feel about having a son who is homosexual?"

I looked at Mom. I remembered that Daddy was okay and he said she was too. I thought she said so too... I couldn't exactly remember, or if that was about Carson.

I was gay... she knew that. I thought, anyway....

Mom looked confused for a second. Then Dr. Wilkinson kept talking, like at her, but he was looking right at me.

"I understand he's dating a boy, a Carson...?"

"!?" I was so mad I jerked, or tried to get up, and my food tray went all over the bed and my legs.

"She's a GIRL!! And you can't... you can't... call her... a BOY! It... it ~HURTS~ her..."

I started to choke and he stood up and I didn't want him to ~touch~ me!

"NO!"

I jerked away from him, half off the bed before Mom caught me.

"Sh-sh.... She w-wanted to... to, to... to d-diii-ee!"

----

I hated Dr. Wilkinson.

He never even thought anything was bad or Carson was a boy and Mommy was crying and I was sobbing and he was in the hall probably making Paul cry.

I hated him.

Mom stopped before I did and then she finally got me to stop. Then ~he~ came back in, but with Paul. He sat down and apologized.

"I'm very sorry I did that, really. I wish I hadn't and I will ~never~ hurt your friend by calling her a boy...."

He went on like that for about a minute. I finally believed him.

I still hated him.

----

A lot of the littler kids on the floor came and visited after lunch, mostly to say hi, but also to see what all the crying and stuff at lunch was, too.

It's boring in the hospital and they wandered around in the halls a lot. Well, I guess they played a lot, too; there was a play room across the hall from my room and we could hear them.

The older ones didn't as much. None my age came by, anyway.

Anyway, they saw my balloon too and came in for it and then they saw my leg and some of them asked about it, but I guess it was enough that they didn't ask about why I was really there. A couple said they were sorry I'd been crying and lots of them were nice and promised to visit more and hoped I felt better, but Mom stayed all the time and I think it kinda stifled what we could talk about.

Almost all of them had normal pajamas and nighties and regular clothes, too.

----

Carson came in the afternoon, at ten minutes to four, and Mom told her all the rules that took forever (don't leave me alone, call if needed, there's the button).

Then she hugged me right off the bed and kissed me.

Paul was wonderful, lunch was terrible, afternoon was okay, then good, and then... perfect. Or she was, anyway.

----

"Carse?"

"Mmm?" She nodded so I could feel. Sitting together was hard on a hospital bed.

"I really love you."

She nodded again. "I really love you too."

I breathed her smell a while. Then I asked.

"Please don't... if you ever want to hurt yourself... I mean, like before, and like I was... feeling... please, ~please~ tell me?"

I looked up at her, too close for her to see clearly, but I had to be touching her. "Please?"

She looked at me and nodded, so her nose touched my cheek. And looked sad. "I promise. I'll tell you and...." She kissed me, like a promise.

"I promise."

I kissed her back even harder.

"I promise too."

----

Val had driven over with her, and she came in when Mom came back. I would've made her give me a hug but she did anyway, around the IV, and a kiss on the cheek too. With Carson holding onto my hand because I decided I didn't want to let her go even if she had to sit on a chair.

I figured out that I looked terrible when Valerie looked at me like I looked terrible, so I asked Mom to ask and she went to get Paul to help me into the bathroom. I couldn't be alone, and I didn't want them to go with me because I needed to pee really bad too as soon as I thought of the bathroom.

-

When Paul and Mom finally came back and I introduced him to Carson, he smiled all over the place and took her hand and said she was even prettier than I'd said. She blushed and looked at me. And the floor, more. And me. And the floor. She was red both ways and I thought she looked even prettier, like Paul said.

Paul smiled at both of us and kept hold of her hand.

Mom and Val started to giggle too and Paul acted all flustered and finally let her hand go and said stuff like, 'Oh! Where's my manners!' and I introduced him to Val and he said he knew she was my sister from the resemblance, and she was very pretty, too.

I knew he wouldn't embarrass me, but I think he liked making everyone else turn red.

----

When we got into the bathroom, he closed the door and turned on the tap for a little noise.

"She's a very pretty girl." He talked quietly so they wouldn't hear, and held my IV thing. (It was to help re-hydrate me and give me minerals and stuff, apparently.)

"Yeah, she is." I grinned at him. "She thinks she isn't, but she is."

"All the really beautiful ones don't believe it."

I couldn't even talk after he said that.

It was so perfect I had to concentrate and remember so I could tell it to her later.

-

End of Part 9

(Revised and reposted)

-----

"She's a very pretty girl." He talked quietly so they wouldn't hear, and held my IV thing. (It was to help re-hydrate me and give me minerals and stuff, apparently.)

"Yeah, she is." I grinned at him. "She thinks she isn't, but she is."

"All the really beautiful ones don't believe it."

I couldn't even talk after he said that.

It was so perfect I had to concentrate and remember so I could tell it to her later.

----

He helped clean me up again and after he washed his hands I did too and then my face, while he kind of held me up by the hips, and then I tried to make my hair look less like I'd slept on it and never washed it or combed it, like I hadn't.

Like I was a crazy person. And Mom and Dad... nobody ever said anything....

"Paul?" I held onto the sink and sat on the little chair thing beside the toilet and looked up at him.

"Yes?" He smiled a lot less, like he knew I wasn't talking about Carson any more. Then he stopped completely. I had to close my eyes.

"If... if I ever wanted to die, one time... or... just a couple of times... ever...."

I looked at my hand and the tube and needle... in it... at the bruise showing under the bandage and the green and yellow bruises and scabs from the other ones. So they could inject sedatives.

A purple mark on my wrist from the velcro straps. My skinny wrists. Skinny hands. Paper hospital bracelet.

"Am I crazy?"

He kneeled down and pushed the little plastic valve thing on the line and just put the IV bag on the floor and pulled me into a big hug with my leg out beside his waist and I almost came off the chair, but he held me tight.

"Honey, if you feel like that... sometimes, when it's really, really bad, you're not crazy, you're a normal person. We all do, sometimes." He squeezed. "You hear me?"

I nodded, even if I was crying.

"And if you're depressed, sometimes it's harder to fight, and things get bad a bit quicker, and you're ~still~ not crazy, okay? And it's your job to get better from the depression, for your friends, and family, and that girl who loves you a lot, I can tell... so for her, okay?"

I tried to listen. I nodded. "You don't think I'm crazy?"

He hugged me really, really hard for a tiny moment and then let me go so he had to help me stay sitting, and looked in my eyes, serious.

"No. Not for a second." He kept looking, and I had to see him.

"I see someone who's had a terrible, terrible accident and has been very sick, and finding out things... and who's been lost...."

He blinked.

"Now you have to let the people who love you take care of you while you get all the way better, okay?"

----

I tried to look normal and Paul brushed at my hair with his fingers and said he didn't know anything about "this crazy stuff...!" which was funny because he was bald.

I still looked like I'd been crying, I guess, from everyone's faces. And from Paul carrying me.

He put me on the bed so slowly and carefully that it was weird after about four seconds, and then he plumped the pillows under my leg and back and then folded the sheet over me and stood back and looked at it and then adjusted it, and then looked happy. Then he put the IV bag back up and did the valve thing back to drip.

"There!" He looked at me like he was in trouble. "Is that alright?"

I nodded and he smiled and looked relieved and winked at me. He looked at everyone else then. "One of my pickier patients. Everything has to be ~just~ so."

He sighed and walked out.

Everyone turned from looking at the door to me, and Mom looked like she was a second from breaking up. I looked at my bed and did frowny-face and looked at all of them, mad, and pointed.

"He missed a wrinkle!"

Out in the hall Paul made a gasp sound, "Oh, NO!!!"

Someone else said, "What?! Not ~again~?"

There was a bunch of little-kid giggling and a shriek just before Paul laughed.

----

Paul gave me a long hug before he left at four. He whispered that I should try to eat, and pretend Carson was feeding me....

-

The new nurse was named Caroline and her tag had a picture of Speed Racer. I asked how come she didn't have a girl tag and she said she had to have Speed, because she had a sports car, and blinked really big.

She said everyone could eat in my room ONLY if I ate more than I had been, because the hospital kitchen was "~totally~" upset at my supper order. She read from a paper.

"One grape, peeled, seed removed." She looked at me the way Mom does sometimes.

"Really! Peeled!? Have you ever peeled a grape? The cook is in tears!"

She looked at the paper again. "It says she couldn't do it and ended up mashing the whole order, so you're getting grape juice." She funny-scowled at me again.

"I ~hope~ you're happy!"

She flapped the paper around and made sure the new IV bag was obeying the laws of gravity and bent over to touch me and check that I was still in bed where I seemed to be, and whispered, "Paul said you needed to eat some more if you could, okay?"

She smiled as she stood up. Then she looked at everyone else.

"And NO fries! Except a few.... And... and ~burgers~ and ~junk~ food like that are ~right~ out, unless cut in half to at least let the flavor out. Understood?"

She nodded at everyone else and then kissed my dirty hair. "More than a peeled grape, okay?"

-

When Caroline was gone, Carson sat half on the bed and looked at the door, and at me, and grinned.

"When Jerri had her appendix out they were ~never~ like this."

----

Mom and Val went down to the cafeteria to get some trays of food for everyone about the same time as the lady came with my dinner and we heard them laughing in the nurse's station.

When she came in it was just a single ~tiny~ glass of purple juice on a tray.

Then she laughed too and gave me the glass and went out and brought in a usual tray. She rolled the eating tray-table thing over and lifted the lid off the plate and it did look nice. I smiled back and she got more real, and patted my bed. "Eat up, okay? We cooked it especially for you."

Carson was smiling kinda funny at me when I looked up from the food, or away from the door.

"What?" I had to smile. She looked like she was trying to figure out what to say. I was remembering what Paul whispered.

"This is ~so~ different." She grinned and shook her head.

"What?"

She smiled bigger. "Than when Jerri was here! And ~way~ from when you were here before! I mean, everyone smiled and everything, but Paul ~carried~ you! And everyone's joking and... so nice! And Jerri was on this floor, too!""

I smiled huge.

"It's Paul. He's like that, like magic." I looked up too. "And your balloon too. Everyone likes it."

I looked at her look at Strawberry and her smile. "It was like you were here all day...."

I had some happy tears and she broke the rules.

----

Dad came while we were eating and he acted all surprised at everyone and asked Mom if dinner was ready at home and didn't Val have chores to do, and ~what~ was ~I~ still doing in bed!?

Mom said dinner was a burger or nothing, and Val was doing double-duty on the chores and needed a vacation for one night, and ~I~ was the Queen of England, if the nurses were to be believed, so he should watch 'is tongue!

He looked at everyone and Carson fed me a french fry and wiped delicately at my lips with a napkin and we smiled at him.

"Oh, well then, okay." He smiled all fake and kissed everyone on the top of their head and pretended to spit a hair out after me and sat and looked at all the food.

"Mmmmm... a picnic!"

Carson was still bright red from Dad's kiss and I was so happy I cried a bit more.

----

Dr. Wilkinson came again that evening and apologized again.

I still didn't like him, but I knew he didn't mean to hurt Carson, any more, anyway. He said it was about what Mom and I thought, not even Carson. It still hurt.

He asked all about my day instead of all the stuff before, and about Paul and the other nurses and stuff, and even about the other kids on the floor. It was a strange, from a shrink. I think.

Then he talked like I was an adult, and maybe not even sick. He said I was there because I was seriously undernourished and dehydrated and anorexic and clinically depressed and moderately suicidal, and I'd been taking some powerful drugs that ~sometimes~ had bad side-effects, like suicidal thoughts.

And I wasn't on them anymore. The little pink pills. But he said ~not~ being on them was serious too, or might be, for a while.

He asked about how I was feeling about suicide and we talked about something he called a safety plan. It was like what the phone place said on Sunday, and kinda like the promise that Carson and I made. But he made me tell him like ten times what I would do.

And even though I had to see him or some other doctor at the hospital every other day for a while, I was probably going to be allowed to go home next afternoon, if I could eat a good breakfast and lunch and my blood stuff was okay in the morning, that they were checking that all the pink pills were gone.

He said I'd have a diet I was supposed to try to follow, mostly so I wouldn't get dehydrated again, but he said I couldn't heal up if I didn't eat.

And I didn't need to have someone sleep with me again but someone could if I wanted. Stay with me when I slept.

----

Val slept over, and we talked in the light from the hall.

"Aren't you missing a lot of classes?" I'd almost stopped thinking about school. I was probably going to have to go next summer to graduate. Or... it was hard to remember what Carson'd said.

"Not really, just a couple of morning ones this week, no problem." She moved and the gurney thing squeaked. "You worried about yours again?"

"A bit. I was just... I guess I'm pretty close to caught up, or I could pass maybe... but...."

"I get to cover some of my classes just with notes, and my profs are good about their assignments, so don't worry, I'm not in any trouble."

She squeaked again. "Remember how we used to sleep in front of the TV on the floor?"

I had to smile. "Yeah, and the weird light and scary movies...."

She laughed a note. "You always made me change the channel, goof! We never got past the first half hour, what can you remember about any scary parts!?"

"Hey, I was like eight! And the music was enough to scare you and don't pretend you weren't scared. ~You~ were always the one who made us turn on the light in the kitchen!" I smiled more and more as I remembered how shivery and fun those nights had been.

It was quiet for a while. "I miss them."

"Me too... We should have one again."

----

In the middle of the night a nurse came in and took off the IV line, even though she left the needle in and the board thing taped to my hand, and shushed me and said I didn't need more fluids or something. But she took the bag.

She helped me sit up and gave me a glass of orange juice to drink and then touched my forehead and told me to go back to sleep.

Val was awake when I looked. She smiled at me and I smiled back and I suddenly felt like everything was gonna be okay again.

----

Because I was already awake, Rowena, the same nurse who was in for my IV, helped me in the bathroom and put the chair thing in the shower so I could sit.

She put this thick ointment on my leg and watched me through the plastic curtain while I got less smelly. And mopped up the floor from my leg where it still had to stick out.

"You seem a lot cheerier this morning."

I had to smile, even if it was probably just a nurse thing to say.

"Yeah! You guys work fast! I think I'm cured!" I laughed before she'd think I was crazier than the chart probably said. "Really, I am. I do feel better. Thank you."

I got back to scrubbing.

I turned off the water after I decided the horrible liquid soap they had was about done, even if my hair still felt dirty and smelled antiseptic after rinsing forever. I shook my head around and pressed out as much water as I could. "Could you please pass a towel?"

She opened the curtain and handed me one towel and started on my back with another one. "You really need to gain back a little more weight...." She patted my back and ribs. They showed in front.

I suddenly felt really self-conscious and put my arms down so they-

"You aren't sick yet, but you're close, you know, and besides, I think Carson would like to know that she won't cut herself on a shoulder blade or poke herself on a hip...." She poked my hip and smiled.

And it was suddenly okay again.

-

I thought for a second, and it was normal, just shyness, not the depression.

----

Breakfast ~was~ depressing. Well, not really, but you know. I ate some of the egg and a piece of toast and Val made me drink more of the juice and water and bugged me about the eggs. The breakfast lady did too, but you can't eat if you're not hungry. I just felt sick if I did, but I did try.

Mom came right before eight and sat with me while Val spent fifteen minutes in the bathroom trying to look less like me. Like before my shower.

Mom tried to comb out my knots while we waited. She said it was like I had sand in there, didn't I use shampoo...?

-

I felt like I wanted to walk around, which is what we did, after Val worked on my hair. She said the soap must have ~glue~ in it or something....

-

Lots of the kids were still in bed.

Deena, one of the older girls who visited me the day before was dressed all normal and just reading on hers. She said it was mostly because the doctors did their rounds and stuff early on our ward, or sometimes the specialists, and it was just easier to wait around a few hours....

We said hi and talked a bit and I introduced Valerie to her and met some more kids who stopped in just 'cause we were there, I think. It was really boring there most of the time, especially for the really young kids, and just someone talking was more fun than normal.

We said hi and visited in the rooms where they had to stay in bed too, if they could.

-

Paul came on at nine o'clock and convinced me to finish the breakfast juice and half a cruller that he'd brought too. Then he walked with us too and made silly introductions to all the kids again and the parents who were there and had some of the littlest ones totally spazzing they were laughing so hard.

----

Because I was there, I got sent down to see the ortho guy, and he cut my cast at the ankle so my foot was free and said it'd be really stiff and might hurt and keep ~ALL~ weight off it for a while, but I didn't need it any more. That part.

When I got back to my room, Dr. Wilkinson had set up an appointment in a week with a lady who had an office not far from our school. Counseling, ~besides~ shrinking. But he'd talked with Mom while Val and I were in the basement at ortho.

And he'd said I was supposed to be with people as much as possible. And take a not-pink pill every day that wouldn't even start working for a couple of weeks. I'd get the first one with lunch.

And the dietitian came by with the lunch lady and gave Mom a diet sheet and said I had to eat more.

-

And after lunch (that I ate almost all of, except the meat), I was allowed to go home.

----

Paul was waiting in the hall with a Dora the Explorer balloon and a wheelchair.

I put his ribbon with Carson's and hugged him and cried because he was the best help I'd ever had in the hospital, ever, and I was afraid to say love when I hardly knew him but I whispered in his blue superhero smock.

He whispered "I love you too, honey. You come and visit us, okay?"

I kissed his cheek and promised.

----

Even with the weird, burning pain in my ankle, it was wonderful to hop out of the car almost all by myself and be home!

Even if the reason we didn't go to a restaurant for lunch was that I was still stinky because of the hospital soap smell. Or I thought I was, anyway.

Val sure was.

----

The hot bath was more than wonderful. After she did my leg, Val lit about a dozen little candles on the counter, and bent down and kissed my wet cheek.

"Welcome home, little brother."

Then she turned out the light and waited outside.

It was beautiful.

----

She remembered to leave a towel so I could cover up, too. I gave her a hug and thanks just for that when she helped me out of the tub. And a bigger one for the candles.

----

The weather was almost winter cold with really gusty wind and it looked like it was gonna rain any second, but it'd looked that way all afternoon. Val had to go out to the university for something and when I waved at her through the front window she almost got blown away.

Leaves and bits of paper were flying all over the street and one little kid was playing and kind of leaning in the wind for fun, opening her jacket and sailing-running.

Mom came and sat on the sofa arm behind me and touched my neck. It felt nice to be home.

"What are you looking at?"

I figured she was worried I was depressed, but I was feeling totally happy, for a windy, cold, lonely-looking, half-in the hospital, sore ankle day. I sat around and ended up facing away from Mom and looking straight up at her, which probably looked ridiculous.

"Just the wind. It looks so cold now...." I had to put my head up.

I looked out over the back of the couch again, but couldn't really see the street that way so I sat more around to see Mom. Besides, my foot needed to be different.

"Do you think Carson'll come after school? I can't remember if she said there was a practice or if she was going if there was...."

I tried to look out the window and then back at Mom again. I couldn't remember what day it was. She was looking down at me and smiling.

"I don't remember either."

I was a bit freaked that she knew what I was thinking before I remembered: Carson. I still wondered if she would.

Mom came around to sit at the other end of the sofa and after I was arranged she pulled off my sock to massage my foot and ankle. After asking me what felt good, I laid back.

"Mom?"

She looked over at me.

"Is it okay if I love Carson?"

I think I meant was it okay if we were an item, if we dated. If it was really okay with her.

Instead, love came out and I turned red. But it felt good to say that, too.

She stopped massaging, but kept holding my foot and looked at me all serious.

"I think it's a little early to be sure if it's really love, but yes. It's more than okay if you love her."

"How can I be sure?" I was burning up red, but I was serious. She just smiled.

"It's something you know, maybe... when someone is the most important person in the world to you, and they make your life better, and you want them to be proud of you?" She thought a few seconds.

"And you don't have to be the best there is, but you feel like you have to do your very best?" She really smiled and gently rubbed the back of my ankle again.

"Is that how you feel about Carson?"

"I don't know." I started to feel sad at that. "All I've been is sick...."

"And you've been the ~very~ best friend, taking care for her and trying to protect her, haven't you? The very best you can?"

"I never thought I was doing it, like that...."

"I don't think you're supposed to think about what you're doing, to see if it's love. I think that one day, you look at her, at yourself, and you kiss, and if it's all there...."

Mom put my sock back on and my foot down, and moved around to behind me again and scootched me down so she could sit back and could hold me, and squeezed me.

"Love!"

I had to think.

"Is all love the same?" I was thinking about what it was like just weeks ago, and if we... if I felt different. "Does it change?"

"No. And yes." She smiled, I could feel.

'Yes and no what?" That she smiled made me smile.

"No, it's not always the same. As a matter of fact, it's different, every time and every day, and so yes, it changes."

"Is it different for different people?"

"Well.... I love you differently than Valerie and your father, and I know you love us all differently. And couples certainly aren't all the same either."

I ~really~ had to think.

"If... if I love someone, like Carson... can I still love other people? Not family? I mean, like is it wrong?"

I thought it sounded wrong, the way I said it.

"I mean, different, but, love?"

"Why do you say that?" She didn't sound like it was a bad question.

I started to get tight in the chest. I just had too many feelings.

"Paul...."

She nodded her head in my hair. "Mmm?"

"When... when I was afraid I was crazy... he told me stuff that helped, more than, more than.... an... any... thing...."

I had to breathe a while. Mom waited.

"He... he made me feel like it, like I... could... like I'm gonna be okay." My eyes filled up and I closed them because I couldn't see anyway.

"And I think... I love him too, like... like...." I had to breathe. More.

"It's the only word I have."

Mom pulled me back really tight and ducked her head so she could almost see me.

"Is that why you gave him a kiss?"

I nodded.

"And are you going to do the best you can, for him?"

I had to think, but I thought that was what going back and saying... visiting him, and getting better so he could see... was. I nodded.

"Then yes, I think that's love, too." She whispered. "I think it sounds like he loves you too."

I nodded. "He said."

"Do you want to do something for him?"

I never thought of that. I nodded again. I had to breathe more for a while.

"Could I? What... I don't know what?"

I tried to think. I didn't even know what he liked.

-

She made me tell her about him while she stroked my hair and forehead.

She knew a lot, but I still told her about how he was funny, and how he said Carson was beautiful and what we talked about, and how he kind of treated me like I was a lot younger than I was and it felt nice, there.

I didn't tell her about the bathroom, but I said I trusted him....

I said how he was so gentle with my leg, even though it was better, how it felt so... safe... like he wouldn't even make the tiniest pain. And how he made me so much less scared,

And his smocks and Dora and... what I told him when I left.

And that he called me honey.

I didn't cry because I was sad. But I felt like it was okay, to let some bad feelings out, some of what I was afraid of... or wasn't, with Paul, or Mom.

-

"It sounds like he has a lot of love, maybe for all the kids on that ward?"

I'd never thought of that. He was still there, and tomorrow... and how he did all the little jokes with all of them... I had an idea that made me smile and I twisted around.

"Everyone really liked Carson's balloon?"

-

End of Part 10

(Revised and reposted)

----

He was still there, and tomorrow... and how he did all the little jokes with all of them... I had an idea that made me smile and I twisted around.

"Everyone really liked Carson's balloon?"

----

Val came back about four and said I was boring if all I wanted to do was look at wind, but she kissed my cheek and smiled anyway and said I smelled nice.

----

Carson gave Brenda a lift over and I saw them pull up and called out to Mom to please get the door? When they came in there was a ~huge~ gust of cold air. Definitely fall.

Brenda plonked down in the armchair and smiled at me and I smiled back. She looked really happy, all grinny.

Carson said "Scoot up!" and sat behind me so I had to twist around again to get my legs...

Before I could think anything she hugged me back down lying across her lap and kissed me on the nose. Missed and tried again.

While I closed my eyes and just lived happiness, I heard Brenda giggle.

Carson lifted her head and whispered, "I told her." And kissed me again, or kept kissing me. It didn't matter.

-

It turned into a cuddle and I guess it wasn't really more than a couple of minutes, but anyway, after, I looked at Brenda and smiled.

She was all red and giggly and staring at us, or maybe just me. Val was there too, leaned over the back of the chair on her arms, looking at us and grinning like a big sister.

"Amazing, isn't it? And ~he's~ the boy!"

I would've made a comment or something, but Val broke up. Then Brenda and Carson started to laugh too.

Girls.

----

Brenda told us how Carson asked her to skip her last class and she skipped practice and they'd spent over an hour talking. I guess Carson telling.

I could feel Carson all relaxed and happy even though I thought she woulda been at least a little tense or something after that.

Brenda said she was shaking and almost white, but finally said, and she tried to sound like Carson: "I'm transsexual do you know what that means and I'm in love and he really wants you to know 'cause he misses you and it's me I'm the reason and I'm sorry it's my fault!"

Val broke up again and Carson made a noise, but it was ~exactly~ the way she talked lately, all one lonnnnnng sentence and I made a sound and she pretended to hug me too tight to laugh.

But Brenda wasn't finished and hunched everyone into listening again and saved me.

"But h- she didn't tell me ~who~ she was in love with even though I was pretty sure," and she grinned at me for a half-second.

"And I said who and she looked at me like I was talking Japanese or something and said 'Who?' and I said 'Yes, who is it?' and she says 'What who?' and she'd completely forgotten what she said!"

I knew what she must've been feeling right then, from all the changes, and I switched from smiling at how funny she was when she talked to making sure she was okay, even with them still laughing.

So I put my hand on her cheek, even if she was laughing instead of embarrassed.

----

Mom said they could stay for supper but Carson couldn't because her family was going out somewhere that she had to go. She said she'd call later and gave me a kiss and hug to remember her by and I watched her drive away and waved. She did too.

Val said, "Let's go to my room...." and we all thumped upstairs.

They did, anyway, and when I finally got there Val pulled me off balance onto the bed and I flopped down and got my leg out of the way and grabbed her blue bear to hug instead of Carse.

-

"Well?"

I looked to see what well and Brenda broke up.

-

It was Val's old 'You're more girly than me' joke and Brenda was naturally going along with it. Val described everything she thought I did and Brenda and her giggled, and I ignored them.

Brenda always had a weird sense of humor, anyway.

I was tired, so I curled up with her bear and went to sleep.

----

When I woke up, Val was sort of scratching my shoulder and Mom was calling up to say it was suppertime.

Brenda was on the floor leaning on the dresser and watching us. It was so nice to have her back, just to hang out....

But she was...

She was looking at me like she was looking at a bug or something, like I was different... stupid bad different.

While I was trying to sit up again I started to get blurry eyes and made to hide them, but she saw. She still stood up to give me a hand.

"Thanks..."

I was too quiet, trying to think of what I even meant... or wanted to... to say. She...

It was too hard.

I could just wait and they'd leave and then I could... not be there, with them. I'd sit until they were gone. I could go in my room and say I wasn't hungry if anyone asked. I wasn't.

"She needs a hug."

Val was snarky and I felt even worse. It didn't hurt. I was just suddenly so tired I couldn't have stood up in a million years.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry, baby...." Val pulled me in and hugged me and rocked. She was crying.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it..."

-

I should've cared more.

----

It's like a switch flipped and I was sad. ~click~

Then ~click~: I was happy again. Or normal, anyway. Even then it was like I was so close to being lost. I could feel the sadness all the time, even when I wasn't. I could remember how I wanted to die, and it made it all the time, a little.

And it was so hard to get back, the other click back to happier. It happened, but it was so hard.

----

Mom and Dad took me in their room and sat with me. They didn't tell me to cheer up or anything but Mom told me what was for supper and told Dad about the balloons and what we'd done during the day and he smiled almost like it was real.

I thought about Paul. Dad's arms felt a lot like his. Dad didn't talk like him, but he was like him, even more.

I felt so stupid.

----

Supper wasn't cold 'cause Val and Brenda had finished it, or re-heated it or something, and even though I was red-faced and quiet I made myself sit and prop my foot up on an old cushion under the table and eat a little with them, even if I still wasn't hungry.

I knew I had to eat. Even if it was like dust. I knew I had to drink more.

I tried.

----

Brenda would go home after supper and then that would be it.

That's what I thought about. She was sitting there, but she'd be gone, like ever since I got sick. Hurt. Whatever. It wasn't her fault.

Val and Carson would hang out with her and Val didn't even like me anymore. Dad was like Paul because he had to be, or people would say he was a bad father....

It was a dull voice in my head, on and on, talking to myself, hating myself....

Finding reasons to leave.

-

Mom said something and when I looked she said it again, and I listened. Tried to.

"I'll get them, okay?" She touched my arm when she stood up and I watched her go and heard her on the stairs. I looked at everyone, and they looked like a funeral. I looked down.

----

"Look, these are the ones... Carson got him this one on Sunday and his nurse, Paul, gave him ~this~ one today, when we were checking out."

Mom was smiling at me and showing off his Dora balloon. And my Strawberry Shortcake one.

I remembered how much Carson's made me smile, just from being silly.

And Carson. And Paul.

And Mom, that afternoon.

I looked up at them and remembered. There was- it was like a true feeling....

How wonderful I'd felt when I looked up from the flowers and saw Strawberry.

~click~

----

The crying was like I was... ~cleaner~, like people could look at me and they wouldn't be hurt, and I wouldn't be ashamed of how I looked, or being me. I felt ugly and stupid, before.

And it was like I could think and feel and see... and before, I wasn't, not... not really. All I saw was sadness and pain. All I wanted was to be alone.

That's what it was like, feeling better, compared.

----

Brenda was holding my balloons and gave them to me. I tried to smile.

"I feel like such a baby...."

"It's okay. I think it's sweet." I looked back at her. She was smiling up at the balloons.

They were still new and special. How they meant so much, Paul and Carson in them. All the feelings they brought.

"Carson gave me the Strawberry one, and Paul...." Nice wasn't a good enough word. I looked at her like I could make her see.

"He's a ~wonderful~ man, he's a nurse, and he gave me the Dora one 'cause his name tag has her on it. They- all the nurses all have cartoons on their tags."

And I told her about the cartoons on his yellow smock, the first day. About that he pointed at his smock and kinda, how he started talking to me because of her. And because of Carson, since she gave her to me.

I told all of them, I guess, because they didn't know all of it, except Mom.

-

I got red and tried to disappear when I thought of how stupid it all sounded. I'd been on the right ward....

But Val hugged my arm, and Mom smiled like it was all normal, and Dad looked at me like he was proud.

I don't know what Brenda looked like, because I hid. But I felt good.

Dad looked proud.

----

We went back to Val's room after she promised Mom and Dad ~again~ that she wouldn't pick on me, and Mom said something about how she thought we'd gotten past all this when I got as tall as her....

Val closed her door and I lay down flat because my hip was sore and Val and Brenda sat on the bed too and bounced my balloons.

"How's your leg doing?" Brenda touched my foot and wiggled it a tiny bit. Which hurt, and she stopped and made a sorry face, but it was just my ankle.

I managed a grin okay. "Pretty good. It's almost all closed and about maybe three quarters of the stitches are out and it's way better." I smiled less as I thought about how ugly it was. Really.

"Don't do that." Val shook my head. Hair. I looked up at her and she nodded. I looked at the balloon she was holding and smiled again, or stopped.

"Oh! Your foot! Is that a new cast? Oh, I'm sorry!" Brenda ~really~ looked sorry.

I'd forgotten they didn't know about my foot and it wasn't a too interesting story, but it ended with Paul and coming home, so it was still a good one.

-

"How come he... how come she got you Strawberry Shortcake?"

Brenda looked funny for a second and pulled it down from Val and sniffed it, then let it go again and smiled at me. And nudged my sore foot again.

"Ow. What?" Oh. Why? I was still trying to figure out how she got to Carson's balloon from my story.

I looked at it and tried to remember why, if I knew.

"I dunno. Maybe she just knew it'd make me laugh." I smiled. "Or maybe she's just the opposite of the Hulk."

They both remembered the other balloon from before. They both said 'Nawww,' too.

-

"You need Hello Kitty."

"Hello Kitty?"

"Strawberry Shortcake, Dora the Explorah, and Hello Kitty. You can't have those two without Hello Kitty. She's iconic, they're iconic. And maybe Sailor Moon...."

"Scooby Doo."

"GIRL icons!" She slapped at Val.

"Thelma...." She ducked away.

"How did you ~ever~ get into university!? It's ~VELma~!"

Val just laughed. Brenda looked at the balloon again.

"It doesn't smell right. Here...." She passed it over and Val smelled it too and looked thoughtful.

"Wait...." She left the room and Brenda looked at me like it was a big mystery, which was kind of funny, since neither of us were wondering, I bet. I grinned.

"This might work...."

"Hey!" I almost reached for it, across the whole room. Valerie had the shampoo I'd found under the sink a couple of weeks ago.

She smeared some of the stuff from the cap on her finger and sniffed it.

"Perfect!" She offered her hand to Brenda and then to me, and I sniffed it too. "Just like her, remember?"

"Yeah, that's just right...." Brenda smiled and nodded and looked like she was remembering good ice cream.

"Her?" I thought it smelled like shampoo. Carson said she liked it too.

"Strawberry Shortcake, girl! She always smelled like strawberries! Just like this!"

I had a horrible thought. Well, not horrible. Too cute. And therefore horrible.

"What?"

Brenda and Val were both looking at me. I went as pink as the shampoo.

Valerie got this incredible grin....

-

They threatened to call Carson and ask her, after I slipped a bit and said her name.

And I ~knew~ Val already knew, she was just waiting me out.

-

"I think, Carson... I think she knew about Strawberry... how the dolls... smelled...."

They nodded. Val thought I was an idiot that I hadn't. At least I'd known she was a doll!

"Well, she liked how my hair... smelled."

Val started giggling. Really high pitched.

Brenda almost bounced off the bed before she grabbed my good foot and said something like "Dededededeeee!"

Val giggled, and smelled my hair... and giggled.

"YUP!" And giggled some more.

"It's ~YOU~!" Brenda got her big girl words back and waved the balloon like a rattle. "~YOU'RE~ STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE!!"

"No! I'm... I'm ~Dora~!" I tried to grab that one but Val pulled the ribbon away and it bounced up to the ceiling. And she giggled even harder.

"No you're not!! Nah-nah! ~Paul~ is Dora. ~You~ are STRAWBERRY! Carson smelled you, so ~you~ are!"

Valerie was almost coughing she was giggling so hard.

"I'm not! She gave me a Hulk balloon too! I'm not the Hulk, so I'm not-"

"She wasn't saying anything with a stupid Hulk thing! That was before, anyway. She gave you ~Strawberry~ because you're just like her!"

Val finally could speak, too.

"Annnnd you smell ~just~ like the Princess of Berryland!"

Brenda collapsed in giggles too and rolled off the bed with a thump.

Val rolled over and reached back to pull the door open a crack and coughed and yelled, "Just Brenda getting drunk!" and closed the door and sat back to grin at me.

"Strawberry Shortcake." Then she started to spazz again and suddenly sat up and waved at nothing.

"Wait! Wait!"

She jumped off the bed almost on Brenda and yanked open her closet and stood there, looking at it. Around it. Then she grabbed a pretty big box off the high shelf on one side.

"Yesssss...." She pulled the flaps open and put it down so she could dig. "YES!"

She had a little doll, like just about four inches.

Strawberry Shortcake.

-

End of Part 11

(Revised and reposted)

--

"Yesssss...." She pulled the flaps open and put it down so she could dig. "YES!"

She had a little doll, like just about four inches.

Strawberry Shortcake.

-

She was almost just like my balloon, like Carson's balloon, and I couldn't help smiling.

"I just ~knew~ I still had her!" Val plonked back down on the bed and pulled my balloon down and compared the doll Strawberry and the picture.

"She has a different dress nowadays, on the new TV show, I think, but this one's perfect...." She looked at the doll like she saw more than I could.

"Mom made this dress, exactly like the old one, 'cept the color's a bit different and she couldn't get the berries... and she made the hat different."

"Lemme see?" I couldn't reach down that far and wanted to see the real one. Val passed her to me like she would break.

She was soft plastic, softer than a Barbie, and squeezier, with little freckles and real hair, or plastic hair, and the hat was real, like it could be undone with a bow in the back, and the dress, and a frillier one underneath, and an apron thing with a bib or top part. She was a real doll, only tiny. Her clothes were real, too.

"Mom made this? All this?" She was as... she was like Carson's balloon... and real! And I remembered her... or something....

I laid her in my lap and covered her with my hand, like a blanket, then adjusted her so I could see her clothes better.... I picked her up and looked.... She was like, like I could almost see her the way Val could... more....

When I noticed, they were looking at me. Her. I ~had~ to smile.

"She's so... cool! How tiny she is and still all the clothes are real!"

"Smell her." Brenda had a weird smile.

She was ~exactly~ like the shampoo!

"That's ~soooo~ cool!" I took another smell, to see if it was her skin, or her clothes, but it was mostly her hair!

I had no idea why, but I felt all, like... a shiver, like when I used to hear my favorite songs, or when Carson kisses me.... I felt like I was blushing all over.

Like my hair...! LIke Carson liked!

... like me....

"How old is she?"

"She's... I got her when you were little. A baby." Val had the oddest smile.

-

Her dress had an opening in the back and I guessed it would come off and I untied the apron that was a tiny bow just like... the bonnet- hat....

I took the apron off and the dress had three tiny snaps in the back and I popped the top one and it would come off... and the one underneath was the same, but I knew it's slip off....

It was old, I mean, the cotton or whatever was old feeling, or just thin, but it flopped like real clothes, and it wasn't really old, just little and... delicate. I popped the snap back together... that was hard, it was so tiny... and then put the apron back on over her arms and re-tied it and it was even tinier, but ~way~ easier than the bonnet would be... I just touched it to make it right....

She sat in my lap, really just laid down, but I pretended she was sitting, 'cause that's the way she should be, awake. I was like a giant to her, so I was careful.

I made her dress spread out evenly on both sides so it looked nice. If I sat still, she could sit all by herself, sorta like me, her position. I had to mostly lay down too....

Strawberry.

I smiled at the smell still in my nose. At a ton of things....

They were both looking at me. Val.... I smiled back, that she'd shown me. Shared her.

She got up and made me sit up and then sat behind me, just like Carson does.

She picked up Strawberry and faced her to me and hugged me with her, her arms around both of us, and pulled me back.

Her voice was shaky, even a whisper.

"You're welcome, sis...."

----

Brenda thought Val's stupid girlie thing too. Really.

They both said I was playing with Strawberry and ~boys~ didn't play with dolls, but Brenda even said boys didn't even smell things, which was about as dumb as anything.

Then they said I was a total girl with Carson, which was dumber! ~She~ was a girl!

But Val just squeezed and said that had nothing to do with it at all and we were talking about ~me~, not her.

So I said she knew she was a girl and she was, and ~I~ knew I was a boy. And I was. And I didn't say it out loud, but Strawberry knew, too.

-

It's hard to argue with weird ideas like the smelling thing. Even Val thought ~that~ was stupid, but Brenda just looked smug and said she'd read it somewhere. She sounded like Carson.

But they both kept saying.

-

Valerie said I wasn't like other boys, and was a lot like some girls, and she wasn't trying to be smart or anything.

She said she just knew it. She said- I didn't understand what she even meant, but she was really serious... not mad or grim or anything. But serious.

-

It was too....

I thought I should be mad at them, but I couldn't.

----

When I remembered to ask her again, Val said she couldn't remember if Strawberry smelled exactly the same as she used to.

She thought maybe it was less now, even if it was still easy to smell. Brenda said it seemed like the same to her, but she'd never had one herself.

----

Carson phoned about seven-thirty and her dad had taken everyone out to a nice restaurant, and he held her chair for her!

He didn't tell the waitress she was a girl or anything, but he didn't call her 'him' or 'son' either, and just called her 'Carson' and 'my child' and 'my oldest' instead of.

She said he was ~really~ nice to her and her mom was in on it and it was all just perfect. Even Jerri was nice, the way she was.

I could hear how perfect it was. She was going on and on like she did and kept trying to find new words. She finally just ran down and sighed.

I smiled, just to see her so happy. Hear her.

-

I asked her why she gave me the balloon and I fiddled with Strawberry while she said like, oh, and ummm for a few seconds.

"Is it because of my hair?"

She was quiet.

"It ~is~ isn't it!? Now Brenda says ~I'm~ a girl because I like Strawberry Shortcake and smell things!"

I laughed at her because she was being really quiet and I knew she'd feel guilty even if it was just Val and Brenda being stupid and not even making sense.

"So, from now on, no more Strawberry! Okay?"

I laughed and she was still quiet, but a kind of less scared one, so I told her about Val having a real one, a doll, and it still was strawberry-smelling even after like ~years~ and she was ~tiny~ and different than the balloon picture but the same, like you could see right away.

I could hear her smile, more.

-

"Umm...."

"Do you really like my hair?"

"Um, yeah...." She sounded shy. "You smell nice...."

I think I sounded shy too.

"I have some more, I could keep using it...."

"That'd... I'd like that."

"I will, then."

I smiled at Strawberry and poked her over, and then felt guilty and sat her up again. Then I kissed her better and felt really stupid, but better, too. And smelled her.

Carson did too. Smelled nice. Just the same as she always did. But I really liked that, when I thought about it. She smelled like her. A quiet her.

"I like it... your smell, too...."

I could hear her blush.

-

I told her I was glad she'd told Brenda, and was she still really okay with that? and Brenda sure was....

"Yeah. After I told her she was really normal, like 'what's the big deal?' and it made it alright. And when we got to your place it, it was all... great."

I heard her smile again.

-

I wished she was where I could see her.

"I miss you."

"You just saw me a couple of hours ago!" She laughed like I hoped.

"I know, I still miss you. Talking with Val and Brenda... I just do...."

I don't know why, but feeling sad right then felt good.

----

Brenda hugged me and kissed my cheek when she left, and it was the first time she ever did that. Like that. It was nice.

It was the first time I was able to stand up at the door to say goodbye to her, too.

----

Mom said I had to go back to the hospital in the morning for a check-up at orthopedics and with the physio, and to see Dr. Wilkinson, but she said I could see Paul too, if he was in and we had time.

-

She said just once more, too, and I slept with Val.

She mentioned how her comfy nightie was almost like Strawberry's dress. The bottom one, anyway, the petticoat. But the ruffles at the top were, too, on her apron.

It felt even nicer.

----

When the lights were out and Val was quiet but not asleep, I couldn't stop thinking.

"Val?"

"Mmm?" She didn't sound sleepy either.

"You don't really mean that stuff about me being a girl, do you?" I fiddled with a ruffle.

She rolled over and looked at me.

"Not... not, exactly like Carson." She stroked my shoulder, smoothed out the sleeve.

"But you've been... more, I dunno, so emotional lately.... And it... it's been nice, and kinda... girly too. You aren't mad if I say that are you?"

I thought about what she'd said... about maybe because of the depression. Maybe.

"You mean 'cause I cry?"

She was quiet a few moments.

"Yeah, a bit, but not really...." She ran her hand up and down my sleeve.

"More... like how happy you get, too... and the way you are with Carson... it's sweet...."

"Sweet?" I looked down at Strawberry. She was sweet.

"The way you two hold each other, you cuddle almost all the time and it's sweet. And the way you kiss." I could hear her smile.

"I love her...." I whispered it. Even if she knew, I'd never told her.

She pulled me over and kissed my shoulder.

"I can tell." She was quiet for a while.

"It's really special, watching you two."

I didn't know what I could say, but I felt good. She hugged me again.

"And I like teasing you, if it's okay? I promise I won't embarrass you in public or anything, but can I still do it here... and...." She kinda ran down.

"Like the girly stuff?" I whispered, 'cause she was. Did. But I did it like a funny horror movie whisper, 'cause I really wasn't afraid. I could hear her smile.

"Yes, silly.... And like here, just that I can, I like having you like this...."

I had to think, but it was fun.... It was even fun with Brenda all evening. I liked being with Val, too, more than we used to be.

"Okay."

She kissed my shoulder again and then snuggled over so we could both sleep, her hugging me.

"Thanks."

-

I couldn't even close my eyes, I was thinking so hard. I had to think about it all again.

I felt good with her arm around me, and I liked everything about feeling... like that was okay. Like it was okay to feel that much, like she said, and even if it was girly, or seemed like that to her. I liked how her nightie was so much like Strawberry's, or felt like it was. It felt good. More than just how it felt.

And Carson liked my hair. And she gave me the balloon.

Good that much.

I guess I was keeping Val awake, thinking.

"Sweet dreams, Strawberry."

"G'night, Scooby."

"Thelma."

"Velma."

"Oh... yeah."

-

"G'night, sis."

----

She had an early class so I got up too. My first appointment wasn't until eleven, but because I was up Mom said we could do some errands first.

"Errands?" I was kinda surprised since it was the first time since it happened that she'd said I should go out except for school and hospital and doctor stuff. I sipped my juice. "Where to?"

"Yeah?" Val looked interested too. Mom looked at her like that was being snarky.

"We need groceries, and we should go by the school to see about you going back...."

"But don't I just have to go... and that's it? Like last time?"

Mom looked at me.

"Well, that didn't go so well, did... ahttt!" She held up a hand and made a face.

"I know what you're going to say, and I agree, but the school wants to be sure it won't happen again and they don't know about Carson and she has to be there for you and I want things a little better organized. Last time, you were just, well, registered from last year and we called the principal." She looked normal.

"So we'll go and see them and you can bring your homework and maybe we'll talk about setting a day for you going back."

I thought of something and then figured it wouldn't be possible, or a good idea. Mom looked like she wanted me to say anyway.

"She wants to see Carson." Val almost laughed.

"~She~?" Mom sounded mad and I started to get scared.

Val just laughed a note for real and poked me.

"Just a joke we had last night." She cheesy-grinned and leaned so our heads touched.

"We're sisters! She's Strawberry and I'm Thelma!"

"Velma!"

"Right! Velma!"

Mom didn't look pleased with her. Or me, after I tried to smile just like she was.

Val, I mean.

----

At the beginning, I swung around the grocery store pretty well, and managed to fetch Mom some small stuff I could carry with a few fingers.

I was sweating by the end, but it was because it was hard work... and a little pain, too. More, maybe, but I really needed to finish.

Mom kept asking if I was okay and I kept saying I was and when we finally got back to the car I slid in the back seat as quick as I could without looking desperate or anything, and rested while she put everything in the trunk. I ~really~ wanted to lay right down, too, but it was better, at least.

When she got in and looked at me like I was dead already, I grinned.

"I ~totally~ need a pill, but I did great, hunh?"

----

She got us home and I took half a pain pill, the first one in about... well, since the hospital. A quick bath and soak, and we headed out for the school. With damp hair.

I had damp hair, and it was cold getting into the car, too.

But I smelled like Strawberry.

-

"I don't want you promising more than you can handle, now."

"What?"

Mom drove like Carson, looking straight ahead, so sometimes it was hard to hear her. But I meant what she meant.

"Your father and I want you to try half time to start with, okay? And for Carson to stay with you for a while too." She smiled like she knew that was funny too.

"Awwww, Momm-yyy!" I kept from laughing, barely.

"And something else, important...." She stopped smiling and I listened.

"You two, you both have to be careful." She looked at me a second and it was something serious. She was almost afraid.

"Some, people... might not like..." She stopped and started again.

"You know what homophobia is."

I nodded. That.

"We don't want you to have trouble with anyone who thinks that way, and we know Carson can take care of herself, but you can't and she can't always be with you, so you both have to be careful, and you especially, okay?"

I thought about what she meant. Gay-bashing. The mean jokes on the team. The jokes and insults... everywhere, really. Being called sissy and fag. Gay anything. I was already afraid of that, but with Carson....

"I know, Mom. We'll be really careful."

I was quiet the rest of the way. I was afraid for Carson, more, but I could see.

----

I thought a lot of stuff while we waited in the main office. About how it could be Carson, or me, or even Brenda, just for being our friend. About what it might be.

About how scared Carson had been, before, when she told me, and... anyone.

She wasn't super, they could hurt her. And insults would be even worse for her.

-

The bell went and I started to look out the window to see if I could see her, but I was pretty sure she'd be going from algebra to english, so she wouldn't be by.

Brenda did, though, and I waved until someone saw me and looked and then practically everyone did and then she finally saw me and smiled big and wheeled around.

"Hey!" She was quiet because it was the office, and checked that nobody was gonna tell her to leave, I guess, and pecked me on the cheek.

It made everything I'd been thinking about seem to disappear. Instead, just being there seemed good. I leaned over and whispered.

"Hey! We're seeing about me coming back soon! Have you seen Carson?" I checked the window again. "I know she's going to english...."

"Well then, she won't be coming here unless she threw something at the teacher." She talked louder and grinned at me. "How long are you gonna be? I could tell her you're here?"

I thought that was a great idea, but before I could say, Mom said we had to be out by ten-thirty.

The warning bell went and Brenda had to go and kissed my cheek again and headed for the door and we both talked at the same time.

"Tell her I was here!" "I'll tell her you were here!"

----

My guidance counselor was who we had to see. I thought it'd be my homeroom teacher, or Mr. Carruthers, but apparently I was a behavior problem.

I'd only just barely met Mr. Lopez before, really, and that was just about football because I had to get permission for skipping late classes, like everyone.

-

The counselors had a really little waiting room, just a couple of chairs, posters, and a rack of pamphlets. AIDS and Acne to... something with a Z.... Zits, probably. I noticed one of them right away and pulled it out to look.

"My friend told me he's gay / she's a lesbian." It was photocopied on green paper and didn't have any pictures or anything, just a logo for a community center or something, downtown. Inside it was all questions and answers, like 'How does your friend know they're gay?'

I'd've thought it was corny if I didn't really want to read it so much, but Mr. Lopez was ready for us before I could even show it to Mom.

She helped me up and I took two swings and a turn and half-plopped into a slightly better chair in his office, padded at least, thank goodness. Hard chairs could be ~really~ painful on my hip.

His office was so small I ended up almost hugging my crutches and still had my leg under Mom's chair.

And then, right when I sat down, I think the pill hit me and I got kinda... detached.

-

Mom took over and I just listened and tried to object when she made me out to be fragile or something. Or when she said something like just a couple of full days a week... I'd thought she wanted.... Oh.

"Then Carson could give me rides both ways!" I smiled all over at them. "That'd work! And I can use the time for study or library while she's at practice too."

Mom looked at me, and I couldn't figure out her face until Mr. Lopez said "She?"

When I looked at him, he was looking at the pamphlet I was holding. And kind of doing eyebrows-up at me. When I looked back at Mom, she looked sad.

----

Mr. Lopez turned out to be totally okay with me being sort of gay. And with not telling him who 'she' was. And with me coming back Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Unless it was too much. And going to games on Fridays.

Mom turned out to be not sad, or at least not much. Just ~really~ worried about me and Carson. I think when I didn't cry or freak she felt better.

But she still ganged up with Mr. Lopez about the homophobia thing.

----

"You really have to be more careful...."

"I will. I promise...."

I sort of closed my eyes and waited for the rest. I knew that. And that I'd been stupid. In the best place in school to be stupid, but stupid.

But she didn't bug me about it any more.

-

I was afraid of what I'd tell Carson. I knew she'd be scared for me, more than her.

----

At the hospital the orthopedics doctor ordered another CT scan and took swabs and blood and urine and looked at the incisions and dug out a few more stitches and said I was healing just fine.

The physiotherapist made my foot and knee hurt and said except for needing to put on twenty or thirty pounds and a few dozen months of torture, it looked like things were good.

They all said I was "progressing very well."

They'd said that two days before I passed out from infection, too.

-

Dr. Wilkinson really just wanted to know if the depression pills and new pain medicine were killing me, and I suppose if I was thinking about killing me.

But he made it seem like it was really just to check the depression pills and ask if I'd eaten breakfast. And dinner, yesterday. And lunch. Eaten at all, really. He asked about every meal.

He didn't seem happy and I didn't really care. I still didn't like him.

----

We were finished just before three and Mom said we could go see if Paul was in, and when the elevator opened on his floor I swung out and there he was!

I didn't want to make a lot of noise but I headed for him as fast as I'd moved since I was hurt and the crutches made a little squeak, tick noises and he turned around from the counter and smiled.

I started crying, and almost fell.

----

After he showed us to a regular room that was empty right then and made sure I was okay, or not going to collapse again or something, he went outside with Mom and they talked.

I didn't even know why I'd cried, or why it stopped so quickly. I was afraid it was more of the depression, and if it was then how would I be able to go to school?

I went from as happy as I was all day... to crying. And looking at one of the nicest men I'd ever met, ever, and when he smiled at me.

-

"Hey, there...." Paul quietly closed the door and sat beside me on the bed. I was half on my side, which was the most comfortable right then.

"Are you okay, hon? You had me worried, there." He rubbed my arm.

"I'm scared."

I think he couldn't figure out my expression. I was trying to... confused that I'd said that.

"Do you wanna tell me about it?" He kept rubbing my arm and I could see he was worried.

I couldn't think of what to say, or what to explain, or how. He just waited, and then he took my hand and sort of just held it.

"Your mommy says you had a busy day."

----

I told him everything we'd done, all the things I'd felt and thought and worried about and been frightened by... and how I was sure I'd hurt Carson and... how the girls... Carson too... how they smiled when I did stuff that would get her killed, and Mom saw and I knew but I still did it!

And I couldn't even tell, about how dangerous it all was... not until after, when I thought. And even then I couldn't see ~why~ it was bad, or feel it... anymore... but I knew it was.

I showed him the pamphlet. It even had a part about homophobia. I knew they'd hurt me. But they'd call her names and hurt Carson ~more~, even if it was all ~my~ fault because ~I~ was gay... and, because... even though she was a beautiful girl and I loved her, ~they~ wouldn't see that and I knew what they'd see because ~I~ was what they hated!

Carson was a girl, and I'd get her hurt... or killed... because I was so stupid....

And it was already so hard for her.

And I knew I couldn't hide how I felt about her, how I loved her... that I couldn't, even when we were in school.

Val and Brenda thought that... I just knew....

And Mom and Dad were afraid, too.

It was all impossible.

-

He just listened. And when I just cried after a while, he held my hand.

-

When I stopped, finished... he squeezed my fingers and turned my hand.

"All the kids got balloons yesterday."

I closed my eyes. I couldn't think that.

He put his other hand on mine, made it really warm.

"The lady from the store came up and every one of the kids got to choose a balloon they wanted." He said it really quietly.

"There are kids in other wards too, you know, and we figured out where they all were and she brought them each one, too. The nurses got together and paid for those." He pressed my hand in his.

"She even ran out, and had to get some from a store downtown."

He sounded different. I opened my eyes and he was looking at me and smiling, but his eyes were shiny.

He massaged my hand again, held it between his, covering it in warm.

"Your girlfriend gave you a balloon because she wanted you to feel happy when you woke up, didn't she?"

I nodded, after I thought that was right. Like she held me.

"And you gave a whole lot of kids some because you wanted them to feel happy too, didn't you?"

I had to look down at the bed.

"You made me very happy, too." He almost whispered and I looked at him again. What I wanted.

"You made me so happy yesterday. It was a sweet thing you did. Thank you."

He leaned down and hugged me hard and I cried, and it was a good one.

Like, click.

----

He said he didn't know what my school would be like, and maybe Carson and I and everyone needed to talk about that. Even if it was just me that was scared.

But he didn't think I'd done anything wrong, from everything I'd told him. He said I wasn't perfect, nobody was, and maybe I thought I had to be to keep my girl safe.

I think I nodded when he said safe.

"Carson might be able to keep you safe, do you think?"

I thought. She was bigger than me. A lot stronger. LOTS stronger now. But that didn't matter about the insults or... or the really bad stuff. That'd hurt her even worse. I shook my head.

"Oh, okay...." He almost smiled, but just because I was listening, I think. He didn't say anything else.

I couldn't make us safe. Even if I was different, a normal guy. Not gay. Not girly. Not stupid and saying too much. Not me. And I couldn't not be me. So I couldn't make us safe. Her safe. And Carson couldn't be safe because I was me.

Unless I was gone. And then she'd be alone, and I promised I never would. I couldn't think what else.

"Is it impossible?"

I looked at his face and he was serious, and I didn't even know if he was thinking the same things I was. What was impossible?

If.... If I wasn't at school... or if the school was safe, or if I could change, or we could always do stuff together. All of us. That'd be... safer, so it wasn't ~impossible~.

"No... not really...." I almost believed it when I said it.

"But pretty hard?"

"Yeah." But not impossible. If Brenda helped, and she would. And I knew she had some really good friends. And Carson too. We did.

Then she could be safe. From me. I guess I kinda said that out loud....

"You aren't really an especially positive person, are you?" He smiled at my face.

"And this from someone who made dozens of kids and nurses and parents and families smile? From someone who ~I~ think is sweet and loving and, yes, a major source of contagion, but still worth the risk?"

He showed he was willing to take the risk, too.

-

He rubbed my back.

"I know it's hard, and so much is happening, but you have a family that loves you, and a girl who thinks you're worth anything, and friends," he squeezed, "who love you too."

He let me go and sat up more. "None of them would say they want to be safe from you, would they?" He looked like he wanted me to answer.

I shook my head and looked down. He didn't know how it was better for everyone, before.

"Do your Mommy and Daddy love you?"

I had to look up. "Yes?"

He nodded too.

"And do Val and Carson, and Brenda love you?"

I nodded. Like Mom said.

"And are any of them mad if you're girlie, like your sister says?" He didn't wait. "Do any of them go ~eww!~ when you kiss the beautiful Carson?"

I had to smile.

"Does Carson get all mad when you cuddle with her!?" He did a great icky face.

"No. They even risk ~viruses~ from you!! They ~touch~ you!!" He touched me and wiped his finger on his pants and grinned at me.

"Honey, you bring love to them, not problems. You're not a problem." He looked like he was thinking. Then he looked me over and pulled me up for a hug again.

"You're a joy."

----

Mom said I still had to go see the counselor, but I could visit Paul too, if he didn't mind. He said he didn't, and grinned at her the same way I was.

She said I had to let him go, though... before we could go home.

He said his family would be mad if he brought me home too, at least if he didn't call first. Then he leaned down and whispered in my ear.

"Your Mommy will never hurt you on purpose, ever."

----

I was quiet in the car, thinking.

He said I was afraid of hurting everyone, but they didn't think so... that I would. On purpose.

And he said it was okay to be who I was. Even if I was afraid, it didn't make it bad. And he said I wasn't bad.

"Mom?" I was quiet, but I tried to sound okay.

"Yes?" She sounded like she was really interested.

"Remember I was... remember I asked you about love? Changing?"

She nodded and said yes. I had to think again, whether I wanted to ask. Paul said she'd never hurt me. I knew that already. But I didn't want to scare her. Hurt her on purpose.

I thought some more.

----

When we got home I was tired and sore, but I'd thought it through, as far as I could. I sat down at the front window and put my leg up.

"Mom?"

She came and sat on the edge beside me. I think she knew it was the same thing.

"If I can't...." I still had to look down and hold my own hands.

"I think people are going to say... I'm... different." I held my hands tight and didn't look at her because I knew what she'd say.

"They're going to call me names and stuff." I breathed. "But I still want to go. To school. But I'm scared."

Mom looked like I thought she would. She was almost crying. And I still couldn't tell her I thought I... I had to be more... different... than I was, before.

I pushed over and hugged her. "I'm sorry, Mommy."

"It's okay, it's not bad." She moved and made me stop hugging and hugged me instead and held my head.

"I'm allowed to worry and be afraid for my baby, but we went today so you ~can~ go back, right? And I know you're worried about Mr. Lopez but that doesn't matter. You talk with Carson, okay?"

She hugged my head so hard I couldn't see.

"We'll love you, whatever you want to do."

It hurt too much to even cry.

----

I wanted to sleep where Mom could see me, so I had a nap on the sofa. But I hugged Strawberry under the blanket.

Mom got her for me.

-

End of Part 12

(Revised and reposted)

----

I wanted to sleep where Mom could see me, so I had a nap on the sofa. But I hugged Strawberry under the blanket.

Mom got her for me.

----

"Hey there, beautiful."

I woke up to Carson kissing me. It was... perfect.

After I finished kissing her back she sat down on the floor and did this wonderful soft touching thing on my face.

"I'm not beautiful, you are." I could hardly keep my eyes open when she did that.

"You're beautiful to me." She smiled and did something with her nails on my ear.

"And handsome and cute and pretty and... I'll have to look up more words." She switched to both hands.

"Striking... fair... comely...."

"What?" I had to laugh.

"Shut up and just look pretty for me.... I read it in english. It means not-ugly." She laughed then, too.

-

After a while more of her making me smile, she switched to a more serious tone, but kept stroking.

"Your mom said you had a busy day."

Like she just mentioned it... and a lot more, too. I closed my eyes again and turned my head so it pressed her hand into my cheek. I didn't want her to see me.

"Yeah... we went food shopping, and to the school. I saw Brenda, and Mr. Lopez." I looked at her.

"He says, Mom and him say I can maybe go back every second day...."

I ran down, because that wasn't really it. She kept her hand stroking. I looked at her and tried to apologize, like just opened my mouth-

"I know. It's okay." She smiled like it was and scrunched down so she was at my level and kissed me again.

"I've thought about it all the time since I told you. I never would have if I really expected... thought everything would be a big secret, forever." She made her hand softer against my face.

"It's harder for you, I know, and it's okay, and I'll help too. But ~you~ have to be safe, that's the main thing for me, okay?"

She said it all as if she knew what I'd been thinking about all afternoon after talking to Paul. Except about me instead of her.

"You want to kiss me at school, don't you?" Like she wanted to and I was just being silly not to....

A hundred reasons I had argued with myself all became more important.

"But you might get-"

She kissed me.

"I might get to give you a little kiss when we see each other. I might get to hold you." She kissed me again.

"I might get to take you to the senior prom."

She kissed me again.

"Instead of being a secret and afraid all the time, I might get to see your beautiful smile and smell your comely hair whenever I want."

She smiled even more when she said that. "Get it? Comely? Hair?"

I started to say "but" again, but she kissed me again.

"I want to, too. I don't care what anyone says. Yes, we should."

She did it again.

"And you have to be careful, and I will too, and we'll be careful, and I can't wait either."

And she kissed me again.

I forgot all the wrong things I wanted to say.

----

Mom invited Carson to stay for supper and they spent a long time in the kitchen while I listened to videos on the TV and tried to comb Strawberry's hair, which was harder than it sounds since it was really, really tangled. I'd forgotten to show her to Carson and I wanted her to look perfect.

When she noticed what I was trying to do, Mom suggested she wash it with conditioner to make it easier to untangle. And she said she'd use my shampoo for washing her too. I undressed her and It only took a minute or two before Mom brought her back, still strawberry-smelling and with damp hair.

It worked, and once I got her dressed again I combed her hair til' it was dry and I tied on her bonnet and she was as good as new.

Not that I remembered her new, but her hair felt nice and looked perfect and she was really clean, and for some reason that made me feel better. Like taking care of her was important.

I thought about ironing her clothes. They were pretty wrinkly... the petticoat especially. All the ruffles...

"Whatcha doing there, sport?" Dad leaned over the armrest and messed my hair a bit.

"Hi, Dad." I leaned my head back to touch him. "I was just wondering if I should iron her clothes, but they're tiny and I don't know if I even could...." I showed him where a little ruffle was only about a half an inch wide. He came around to sit beside me and looked at the ruffles too.

"Well, I don't know... but you could ask your mother or sister and they might be able to show you how." He reached around me and pulled me under his arm.

"How'd your day go? Get everything done you had planned?"

I turned a bit to get comfortable on him and made Strawberry kinda hug his other side.

"Yeah. We got it all done, and my leg's good, and the pills are okay, and my guidance counselor, Mr. Lopez, and Mom... they think maybe Monday, Wednesday and Fridays, full days, unless I get too tired or sore..."

I stopped when all the stuff that really happened kinda roared in. Again.

"Dad?"

"Is something wrong?" He pulled me closer.

-

I told him all the things I did wrong. I knew I was thinking only about the bad stuff again, or the worst way anything could be, but I couldn't stop thinking about them. I really believed I wasn't all the fault, and like Paul said, it wasn't all my total fault, but it was still so hard....

I told him about in school, and even that I said "her" with Brenda, and how I messed up with Mr. Lopez, and how Carson would get hurt and how I always seemed to be a crybaby and I'd never get right, better, that way, ever....

I talked a long time. More and more stuff.

He listened, and then he didn't say anything for a long time, either.

-

He talked really quietly.

"I'm a lot older than you, you know." He said it like it wasn't a joke, and I just nodded.

"I've done a lot of things that were hard, or scary... like everyone does...."

He stopped, like he was thinking.

"Marrying your Mom, and starting a family... your sister and you, when you were babies, it was hard, and I was afraid I'd mess up every day. When you were born, I even thought I'd hold you wrong and it would hurt you." He took my hand and squeezed it.

"I thought my hands were too rough, that just touching you would cut you. Or that I was too clumsy and I'd drop you." He squeezed me a second more.

"But I never did."

He was quiet, like remembering.

"When you and Valerie were toddlers, just learning to walk, I was afraid if I let you do what you wanted, go where you wanted, you'd run and fall and hurt yourselves, and I wanted to keep you close and protect you all the time. But you needed to play and run and see everything on your own, and I let you go." He bumped my head with his.

"That was very, very hard to do, and scary." He breathed a second.

"Do you remember your sister's cast, on her arm?"

I shook my head, and I don't know why but I got scared, but he hugged my hand to me under his hand, and it went away.

"Well, when ~you~ were just learning to walk, still tiny, she fell off her new bicycle one day and broke her arm."

Even though he was almost whispering, he seemed sure, or something.

"Well, it healed, and she even liked having the cast, but when I was with her in the hospital and she cried because it hurt, well, I knew I was the worst daddy in the world, to let my little baby get hurt like that."

He leaned slightly forward so I could see him, or so he could see me.

"But I wasn't. Your sister had to play, and she liked riding her bike, and she still did, even when she had her cast. And you learned to ride that same bicycle, and you fell off, too, but your big sister made you learn on the grass so you wouldn't break your arm."

He smiled.

"When Valerie started to date, I wanted to keep her perfectly safe, but she had to go out with those strange, bad boys!" He made them seem like ghosts.

""And when you played sports that could hurt you..." He hugged me hard. "You like football, don't you?"

I started to cry a little. "I can't play any more...."

"Never say never."

He hugged me really tight, really safe. After a long minute, he picked up Strawberry where I'd dropped her and gave her back for me to hold.

"When you found out you liked Carson, I was scared, too, that you'd get hurt, that your heart would be broken...."

I wanted to say that Carson wouldn't do that, but he seemed to know.

"Any time you open your heart, it might get hurt. It's part of why giving someone love is precious."

I thought. I tried to remember everything.

"Showing people that you love Carson might be scary and hard, and even dangerous. For you ~and~ her."

He sounded more like he always did. Sure. And like he wasn't ever afraid, even saying that. Like love was the really important word. Like he'd learned that.

But he waited a long time. I mean, he was quiet a long time.

"Remember, I told you your sister made you learn to ride on the grass, so you wouldn't get hurt too much?"

I nodded. He smiled at me and kissed my forehead.

"I love you."

"Me too. I love you too, Daddy."

-

He sat quiet and I leaned on him and he held me.

I looked at Strawberry and thought she was so pretty and perfect, even all wrinkly.

And I thought about what he meant, about letting me try.

Maybe about me letting Carson, too.

All the things... all the stuff just from today- school and Paul and even Dr. Wilkinson....

"I'm really scared about school...."

Dad nodded.

-

"Are you still there?" Dad wiggled me. I turned a little so I could see his eyes when he talked.

"I don't want you getting hurt, and you could be... your leg could be very badly hurt, you know."

I nodded.

"I'm more worried about your heart." He leaned his head onto mine so the sides of our foreheads touched.

"There are some bad people everywhere, even in school. Maybe especially there, for you." He stopped and leaned back to look all over my face.

He touched over my heart.

-

Before, I was going back and I needed to think about how to fit in again. Even hiding and maybe pretending about who I was. Pretending so everyone wouldn't see.

But Dad was talking about more.... Growing up, maybe. But about more important things than pretending.

-

I nodded and hugged him.

He kissed my hair and hugged me really hard.

"We'll find the best, safest way, and try."

I could still tell he was scared.

It was scary that he was that way, like me. But it was special, too, important... that he knew.

----

Carson came to get us for supper and I decided I'd show her Strawberry later. I still made sure she was comfortable on the couch.

----

Supper was quiet, I think mostly because I was thinking so hard.

Valerie was at school late and Mom and Carson talked about her friends at school... Carson's, and Brenda's. It sounded like they'd been talking about them in the kitchen, too.

I kinda listened, and mostly thought. I tried to remember learning to ride my first bike. Valerie's bike. I tried to remember her cast. I didn't even know which arm.

I remembered Dad, when I went to that party with Rayne last year. He'd sat in the living room and pretended to read the paper, even though he never did in the evening, and watched and smiled at me when I left.

I couldn't remember what he said.... but he was still up when I came home, and asked if I had a good time.

I wondered if he asked that when I tried riding a bike, or learned to walk.

-

When Dad asked if I was okay in there, I smiled I was.

I couldn't talk, but I nodded and smiled.

-

I was so okay.

-

End of Part 13

(Revised and reposted)

----

I remembered Dad, when I went to that dance with Rayne last year. He'd sat in the living room and pretended to read the paper, even though he never did in the evening, and watched and smiled at me when I left.

I couldn't remember what he said.... but he was still up when I came home, and asked if I had a good time.

I wondered if he asked that when I tried riding a bike, or learned to walk.

-

When Dad asked if I was okay in there, I smiled I was.

I couldn't talk, but I nodded and smiled.

-

I was so okay.

----

After supper Carson and I went up to my room and she helped me with homework a bit, the stuff Mr. Lopez said I had to get done first. We piled it up anyway, and got it marked out.

-

I was still trying to figure out the things from before supper. All the stuff they made me think of.

----

"Carse?"

She looked up from her algebra homework. I was suddenly shy, even more worried what she'd say. But I had to ask.

"Do you... I mean, do you really want...." I had to look down. "Do you want people... the... at school to... know...?"

She didn't make any noise for a long time and I had to look. She was staring at me. She didn't look mad or anything... then she blinked.

"Do I want people to know what? About you?"

I almost started to cry before she stood up and tossed her binder on the bed and was sitting beside me that fast, and took both my hands.

"Okay." She said it like, 'listen up.'

"No, I ~don't~ want them to know about you."

She pulled my hands up and kissed them.

"Or me."

When I finally looked up, she smiled.

"I want them to know about ~us~."

----

Val came home about the same time Carson had to leave.

Carson whispered something to her on the way out, and they hugged.

I hadn't seen them do it before, and I wondered if we looked the same when Carson hugged me.

And what they were whispering about.

And remembered I ~still~ hadn't shown her Strawberry!

----

"Up and at 'em!" Valerie opened my door without knocking and I must've been nearly asleep because she didn't surprise me or anything.

"C'mon, sis, it's time for bed," she helped me stand and handed me my crutches. "We need to talk, so you're sleeping with me again."

-

I ~was~ asleep, because I was in her warm ruffly nightie like Strawberry's and in bed before I even woke up. Or figured out she wanted to talk about whatever Carson told her.

She slid in and messed around with the pillows and grabbed her bear away and tossed him on the floor and gave me Strawberry and then reached over and turned the light off.

Then she pulled me closer, onto her pillow.

"Alright, sister dear."

Then she helped me un-twist my nightie a bit and got my foot comfy and then started again.

"There."

It was still a little light from the hallway. She fiddled with Strawberry's hair a moment before she put her arm back around my waist.

"Now." She stopped.

"Your sweetie tells me you plan to get into all sorts of trouble with the stupid people when you go back to school."

I must've looked like something she could see.

"No, she didn't say that, don't be silly. But you ~are~ going to out yourself, aren't you?"

She sounded like she thought I was an idiot.

"We..."

"You want to kiss her in school."

"I-"

"Aht! It's the same thing, whether you say it or do it, and you'd know that if you just think for a second."

She sounded mad, but kept hugging me.

"I have a friend at school, he says it this way... homophobes don't hate gay people because they have sex, they hate them because they hold hands."

-

I started to say something, but I had to stop.

"Yeah."

----

There was a horrible pain in my calf, in my ankle, like in the bone, and I couldn't move without it getting worse. And I couldn't reach it at all.

I woke Valerie and she made me lay back while she took off my cast and gently massaged where it hurt. She said it was warm in the back of my ankle, too, and maybe I just overdid stretching the tendons?

Anyway, her rubbing helped and I took half a pill and she kind of rocked me back to sleep. Me and Strawberry in our nighties....

The last thought I had was, what would they think was the same as holding hands, for me?

----

I didn't even notice when Val got up. Mom had to shake me awake.

----

At ten I had a pretty awful physiotherapy drop-in, and she said it was my tendons, like Val said, and it'd hurt in my shin too, if I didn't start working my foot. It was a different physio, so I told her about my regular stuff.

And she said my idea for a cast with a knee was a good one, but not for me since the places tendons and ligaments went to on ~my~ bones still had to heal more, up there, and it had to be straight. But it was a good idea and they already had them.

-

Then, for fun, I had a special talk with Dr. Wilkinson.

He talked about Carson, but it was all about ~me~ and her, and he never called her a boy, so I decided it was respectful. Again. After a while.

He asked lots of stuff about Strawberry, and Val's nighties, too. We went almost through his whole lunch time.

I guessed that Mom or Dad had called him.

-

Paul was on a day off, a long weekend, but Caroline gave me a hug for the balloons.

Mom took me right home and had to wake me up when we got there.

----

Carson and Brenda both came over after school and we did homework and they had new stuff I had to do, Carson said, so I could jump up to what all my classes were doing right then.

I was too shy to show Carson Strawberry with Brenda there, and they left together. After I fell asleep.

----

"Val?"

"Yeah?"

I felt the softness of Strawberry's skirt with my finger, and the rougher edge, and the ruffle, softer again...

"Is anything wrong...?"

"No." I curled up a little bit, and maybe away.

She waited.

"What do you tell your friends...?" I tried to sound less whiny.

"At school... like that friend you said?"

She rolled over and thumped her arm across me and pulled me back close.

"I tell them I have a little brother I love who's almost like my little sister."

She kissed my head.

"If they don't like it, I tell them to grow up, educate themselves, or leave." She hugged harder.

"And I've made way more new friends than I've lost bad ones."

I had to think about that.

-

"I'm not so little...."

"No, you're not."

-

"I love you too, Val."

"I know, sis. Me too." She made sure I was comfortable and kept hugging.

"Now go to sleep."

-

"If you sleep like that, you'll drool on her."

I moved Strawberry over a bit.

"Good girl."

"Arf."

"What's that you say?! Timmy's fallen ~where~? ~Again~?"

-

Val said she'd make me leave if I kept giggling.

----

I woke up when it was just barely light out, and felt just about perfect.

It was just the right temperature, the nightie didn't have a single un-soft spot, my leg felt good, and I didn't have any appointments or ~anything~ I had to get up for.

I snuggled Strawberry from where she'd slept and pulled Valerie's arm closer....

----

Valerie said it was her wash day, and I had to get up so she could get the sheets off her bed. I tried to argue it was her day off school... no classes at all.... sleeping in....

She said laundry... clean sheets....

I pointed out that her bed was warm, and soft and... ~warm~.... Strawberry added that she was being mean and nasty.

Val said it was almost nine, and that being a mean and nasty ~big~ sister beat being a slack and lazy ~little~ sister.

I tried that it was like still ~midnight~ in Hawaii and I was still really tired and sleepy.

She said she'd start a tub for me and if I wasn't up by then, she'd try 'wet and cold', like in Alaska.

And she was gonna put the sheets in the wash anyway....

-

The bath was full of bubbles, Val said to make up for being a mean and nasty sister, and she kissed my cheek after she helped me in.

It ~was~ nice, and hot and relaxing.

But so was her bed.

----

I called Carson at lunch on Brenda's cell and we talked for a couple of minutes and then she said she had to go to a meeting and wouldn't tell me why.

She wouldn't tell me why even when I asked about twenty ways. And she said she was gonna be late. And still wouldn't tell me to what.

I said she was mean and nasty, just like Val.

She said she loved me too, and made a kissing noise and hung up.

----

"Mom?"

"Hmm?" She kept on sorting laundry on the sofa. Everyone was doing laundry.

"Mom, do you know what Carson's doing?"

"Could you be a little more specific?" She grinned at me over her shoulder for a second. "Homework? Lunch?"

"Mom! I'm serious! She said Brenda and her are doing something and she won't tell me what and I think it's about me going back, and her, but she won't tell me!"

I put the stupid book down. It was the last big thing I had to do for english, but it was so thick I was having a hard time getting the energy to start.

Mom stopped piling clothes and stuff and sat down right on some of it. She looked interested.

"No, I don't know. Carson asked me if I knew about the school district's rules about discrimination." She looked serious. Like she wanted me to be, too. "And she said she didn't trust Mr. Carruthers."

Val came in from the garage with a full basket and Mom looked up at her.

"Valerie, you had Mr. Carruthers for principal for a while. What did students think of him?"

"They thought he was a jerk." Val dropped into the armchair with the basket still in her lap.

"When he took over everything was harder to get approved even if it was the same stuff the school always said was okay before." Val'd been on the grad and homecoming committees and all that. Everything but a cheerleader.

"It was like he had to look at everything himself and do something different or change or turn down something in ~everything~. I mean, he even refused to let us use the ~photocopiers~, even if we supplied the paper! And then the school reimbursed for ~outside~ copying! He was totally aa-"

Mom glared at her a second and then thought for another few, and looked at me.

"He doesn't discriminate, does he? Against any students in particular?"

Val snorted. "Hel- heck, yeah. He's against anyone who wants to do anything! It's like he thought school was a... I dunno, but he seemed to want ~no~ social or extracurricular stuff at all."

I had to nod. I hadn't thought of it that way, but she was right. The team could get any room they wanted for a meeting or whatever, or equipment money, but some of the clubs had to jump through hoops.

"Except sports."

Val made a fast wave thing. "No kidding. Yeah. Except anything jockish."

Mom looked at us. Then just at me.

"So maybe Carson and Brenda are worried that your principal would make keeping safe... more difficult?"

I nodded. That made sense. But if it was about Carson and-

"But if it's about, I mean, like transphobia..." Val was thinking hard. Like remembering or something.

"What?" Mom looked lost.

"It's the same, but with transsexuals."

"Yeah." I nodded. Carson had showed me some sites about that. "But-"

"But that doesn't follow just 'cause he's a micro-manager...." Val was seriously thinking.

"But Carson and Brenda might think he would, get in the way, anyway, and they've been there, and maybe there's something else they know?"

"~Or~ they're thinking about or planning something totally unrelated."

"Except you said she asked about stuff about discrimination too."

"So I did.... How did you get so smart?" Mom smiled.

I grinned and waved Mockingbird. "Books! I always carry around a book!"

"Have you started it yet?"

"Nope!" I started to laugh. "But don't I ~look~ smart!?"

----

Brenda and Carson came over together just before supper with an algebra assignment, prepared just for me. Neither could stay long, but Carson said she needed her 'minimum recommended daily dose' of me. Brenda and Val made gagging noises.

-

"Have you ever heard of a Gay-Straight Alliance?"

Carson found a new position. She had one leg straight out on the couch seat and my cast right up on it so my foot was sort of free of pressures, and I got to lay with my head on her chest, hugging her. She ran her hand up my neck.

I could barely breathe. "No..."

"Well, there aren't any in the city yet, but we're looking into maybe starting one." She did it again.

"It's a... a kinda club, but it's so straight and non-straight students can get to know each other and so it's not just gay and trans students doing all the... anything that needs doing, like talking to the student paper, or...."

"Or making the school start taking responsibility for sexism and homophobia." Brenda sounded serious.

Carson put her hand on my neck, just warming me. Even thinking and listening and trying to understand everything, she made me calm and relaxed.

"And there have to be the same rules for you two... as everyone else."

Brenda sounded different. I had to look.

She looked happy. And a bit sad, too.

-

"I'm just afraid if he finds out, he'll stop it or something...."

"And if he finds out, it's too late to find out if you're right." Val looked grim. Angry, almost. Mom nodded.

"So, you're starting the, the GSA? before you tell the school administration? Will that get you in trouble just for breaking school rules on that, procedures?"

"Well, we don't think so, but we're still not sure, and Brenda thinks we have to at least tell Mr. Lopez before we really start, or at least so far we think he's the best choice."

"And about half the clubs and groups started like in someone's home or just from a bunch of friends, and they just registered."

"The big thing is there are rules and stuff about sexual... well content and stuff..."

"But most of them are about sexism and sexual discrimination."

"And I think we need advice on how they could shut down a gay-straight alliance group if they wanted to with those rules. Preventing that."

"But everyones's welcome to join, right, so there's no discrimination?"

"Yeah, but people can claim it's all about sex, and we figured it'd only take one student to complain about that for Carruthers to bury it in paperwork or something...."

"Or students who want to wreck the group like by joining and then outing the members to make everyone afraid to join."

"Yeah, there was some talk about that at the college group."

"So we need to build up a starting membership from word of mouth, and we have to just get ones we trust, and then get them to do the same thing."

"It's like that TV commercial a few years ago. 'I told two friends, and they told two friends, and ~they~ told two friends... and so on, and so on....'"

"Yeah, that was the idea, just like that. What was the commercial about?"

"I think it was shampoo."

-

Brenda and Val laughed so hard they cried. Carson just shook.

----

The rest of the week, instead of coming over to stay and talk or do homework, they'd just visit and bring my homework and even brought me corrected stuff from my teachers (one who I hadn't even met yet), and then rush off.

They both said they had to see people about the club stuff, or go to some meeting or something, and Carson always phoned in the evenings too, after, at bed time.

We got to at least talk, but I missed her. Brenda, too. I felt like they were avoiding me, except they weren't, and I knew it was important, but it felt like that.

-

Val and Mom and Dad spent almost as much time with me as when I was sick and they seemed to know what it felt like, too.

Like, Dad said I should sit with him while he read some work papers, and then mostly talked with me about stuff instead, like when I was little.

And Mom made my favorite dessert and got me to help while we talked and she did almost everything and then made a big fuss about how ~I~ made it at supper, and stuff like that.

-

And Val begged every night to get Mom let me sleep with her. Mom smiled and said it was okay every time, but always after a few minutes, as if she wanted to hear Val make up stuff.

Val got pretty good at it, too. By Friday night, I was in danger of spontaneous human combustion, and she slept with a full glass of water....

----

Saturday morning Carson and Brenda came over really early and we all did homework together, almost the same stuff, and then had a couple of hours just talking.

And they ~still~ both left right after lunch, but it was about school again, and Carson gave me a huge kiss that made it okay.

For an hour or so. A few minutes, anyway.

----

Mom made me finish my homework. By suppertime, for the first time in two months, I was caught up, with nothing but reading to do. I was barely on page two of the stupid term novel.

And Carson called at bed time.

----

On Sunday afternoon, after nobody had come to visit or even called, and I was almost in a coma from trying to read something I didn't want to, Mom said I had to close my book and have a bath and get especially clean and ready for supper because we were having guests. I just said okay and hopped upstairs.

It was more fun than watching the phone and street. Or trying to start 'To Kill a Mockingbird'. Great story, I was sure, but way too long.

-

Mom ran the bath and helped me in and then instead of leaving like usual, she sat on the toilet seat lid and smiled at me. "Can I help with your leg?"

I didn't really ~need~ help any more, but I said please, thanks, and left my towel on. It was soaked, anyways.

I still had to keep the incision areas dry, and I could bend my knee a little, but sometimes it hurt almost more than I could stand to do the sit-up kinda movement to wash further down.

One of my two physio goals: do the same things and hurt a little less.

My other goal was apparently to do more, and hurt a lot ~more~.

-

Mom put a towel down and sat on the floor and I sank down as she lifted and put my leg half over the tub edge, the way it felt best. She wet a cloth in the tub and washed around the awful, and then my foot.

She was really soft and reminded me of Paul.

"Can I see Paul after we see the counselor?" I had my first appointment the next day, but I couldn't remember what time. Mom looked up from my leg and smiled.

"I think so, if there's time. Or Tuesday." She thought a second.

"You have to go to the hospital on Tuesday anyway." She looked at me, and smiled. "But we'll try tomorrow too."

I smiled back then, and relaxed more. "Thanks."

She dabbed at my leg some more and took the ointment from the counter and spread a little on, even though I'd probably wipe most of it off, drying. I always itched badly after getting it wet without the cream, or even getting the rest of my leg wet. The ortho guy said my skin was just sensitive there from sluffing, like peeling... from the infection.

"Who's coming for supper?" I hadn't even thought of it.

Mom put the cap on the little tube and smiled at me. "Carson's family."

----

All the Donners, and all of us, were crowded in the front hall and everyone kind of pretended we'd never met or something, from the hand-shakes and little hugs and hellos.

Mom and Dad and Val didn't know Jerri, I guess, but still... everyone knew everyone else pretty well, really.

Mr. and Mrs. Donner had stepped over into the living room when I finally had the room to say hi to Jerri and I hadn't seen her since before my accident. When I half-held out my hand and said hi, she looked at me like I was a freak.

I almost died of embarrassment.

Or fear. Or pain. It was all...

"Come here."

All at the same time, Carson put her arms around me, Jerri made a noise, and Val stepped over. She said they'd be right back, took Jerri's arm and kinda jerked her away.

Carson hugged me even tighter and kissed my ear.

-

Mr. Donner made a noise and when I looked, he was there, and a bit sad.

"It's not you, okay?" He kinda waved his hand, or reached an inch.

I made a little flinch and Carson hugged me harder and made a "shhhh" noise. Her dad took his hand back, but he seemed okay, and not insulted, which was what I suddenly thought.

He looked over to the kitchen, where they went.

"I think she was just expecting the boy who used to come over the last few years."

He's a big man, and I remembered being afraid that he hurt Carson. It was hard to put those, how big he was and that scare, and him... together.

He smiled at me and I heard what he said.

I knew, then.

I was a sissy.

Jerri saw it, they all saw it. He'd just finally said it. Of everyone, he said it.

Jerri just... did it.

click.

-

Val came back and made us follow her up to her room. Me and Carson. Jerri was already there.

Then we went into mine. Chairs. Val sat Jerri on a chair, like put her there with both hands, and then sat on the bed and Carson sat me between her and Val. Val took both my hands and Carson completely wrapped my shoulders. And we sat facing Jerri.

Jerri looked at us, and aside from red eyes, she looked normal. I mean, she wasn't like at the door, or....

I didn't look at her that hard. It didn't matter.

She looked at Carson and Val and me and then just at me.

"I'm a complete bitch and I hope you can please forgive me? I was just being a stupid sister and trying to get points on Carson and she's talked about you for weeks and I knew, I know she loves you and I dug for her weak spot and it was you and I'm sorry...."

She actually went down on her knees and took my hands, and Val's.

"Please?" She had shiny eyes from tears.

"I've just got my, my sister back after... screwing it up for her her whole life and I don't want to lose her again, and I don't want to lose you, for the... to be a friend, or sister or whatever?"

She was really crying.

"Please?"

-

She didn't hate me. click.

-

We hugged.

Carson hugged me.

Val hugged Jerri and said she'd rip her hair out if she ever did that again.

----

Mr. and Mrs. Donner were way happier after Jerri almost knelt down to apologize to ~them~ and Mom and Dad. And they were all somehow sure it would all work out anyway.

Val told me Jerri was a total drama queen, so I had to try to understand. Jerri rolled her eyes at her.

Carson just sat close and let me hug her until supper time.

----

At the table, Val and Jerri sat on either side of me because they said it was their turn. They both did all the serving and carrying, too. Mom liked that.

Carson sat between her parents and played footsie on my pillow with me and we both kicked at our sisters when they deliberately got in the way and I had to just kick Jerri because she was on my good leg side.

It was a good supper.

----

After, while Carson and Val and Jerri cleared the table and did the dishes, I sat with Mom and Dad on the sofa and we "visited" with the Donners.

Without Carson, I was shy again for some reason and I could hardly look up. If I could've turned sideways I would've climbed in Mom's lap, but I couldn't.

Mom finally rearranged us by pushing the ottoman over a bit and pulling me back against her. She leaned in and whispered so the Donners wouldn't be embarrassed, I guess.

"Is something wrong, honey?" She leaned her head against mine and hmmed? "Are you okay with Jerri now?"

It wasn't Jerri.

It was what Mr. Donner said.

About what I was, and what Jerri meant... but what ~he~ said.

-

Mom finally asked if I wanted to go in the kitchen with the girls and I managed a nod.

She helped me up and I tried to be civil, but I was trying to just not fall down and cry.

Mom held a chair for me and all three girls stopped the dishwashing to see why I looked like I did. Why we were there, I guess. What happened.

Carson was over in a second. "What's wrong?"

She looked at me like she had no idea. None of them looked at me like I was.

Just what Mr. Donner had said, and he didn't look that way either, even when he said it.

They all looked and waited. And the difference between what I ~knew~ they saw, what I was, and what they all said, and... and showed me.... Only Jerri.

But Val had said it.

I looked at her and she was still... she still loved me.

Carson still loved me. Nothing made sense.

I looked at Jerri again.

She was staring at us, all of us, and I could ~see~ her thinking.

She asked Mom if we could go upstairs again and that she wanted to be alone with me for a minute?

----

We both sat on my bed and she didn't touch me, but she was close. I watched my stupid leg, stuck out in the air.

"You think we should hate you, don't you?"

She was quiet, sure.

I didn't even move, but it felt like a hit.

"You think we should laugh at you, and you... that you deserve it, don't you?"

She touched my arm with her fingers, just barely.

"I used to... I still do, sometimes.... I used to think everyone was stupid and mean and should just show it, and I tried to make them act like they wanted to out loud, to hate me, or try and hurt me or laugh at me so I could at them."

She turned her hand over in the air, above my arm, like it was different, or new.

"Carson's always so quiet and I was sure she was just ~so~ superior and so I wanted to make her just admit it, and I insulted her and made fun of her and her stupid football and her friends who didn't even know she was alive, until you."

She put her whole hand on my arm and talked louder.

"I still think I'm worthless, really." She sniffed. "But she says... I'm not."

She was quiet for a breath and I looked. She had tears running down her cheeks, into her mouth.

"Nobody ever said.... but I just ~knew~ I was shit, and..."

"... and nobody ever said I... wasn't...."

-

She was so much smaller than Carson but she hugged as tight, after I tried to pull her over and tell her she wasn't, either.

----

I finally could talk.

"Nobody... no-one says..."

I was still too afraid. I could only say the part she said.

She kept holding hard. Then she stilled. "Can you tell me? What they don't say?"

She looked so sad. Like she knew. But it was ~her~ fear.

I had to close my eyes and wait for my breath to come. What Paul said. About letting people help me, inside. And he said I ~wouldn't~ hurt everyone, and he thought I was....

I took a breath and said it all at once.

"Everyone's gonna call me a fag and a sissy and I am and they'll..."

Breathe

"Kill Carson...."

She stiffened. She thought that too.

"Why wou-" She sat back and took my arm, hard. It hurt my hand.

"Because you love Carson?"

I nodded.

"You're a... you're gay... because you love Carson?"

"No, she's a girl!" I had to make her see. "~I~ just am! And now they'll see, because I can't help it and they'll hurt her because they'll hate me and she can't... hide... she'll get hurt and I can't help and I'll be the ~reason~!"

She was really quiet while she held me, my arm.

"You're a girl too?"

I coughed.

I couldn't explain.

----

She waited, a long time. She even covered my ears and shouted to everyone that she was having a session and letting me analyze her, after someone knocked to see if we were okay.

I even smiled at that.

----

"So because you looked at Carson..."

She gave me a look at my look.

"... AND other boys too, that way, before you even knew she was a girl, then you're gay, or bi. Right so far?"

I nodded. She looked at Strawberry like she had notes on her. Then at me again.

"And you think that you're all girly because of being gay, that you know it, now?"

I nodded again. I wanted Strawberry back, but I hugged Val's bear. Jerri'd gotten them from Val's room.

"And people will see you, and they'll see Carson with you, and they'll hurt her." She looked at me. "And you, but you're more worried about her."

I nodded and rocked back and forth. It was all true.

"Okay. Look at me."

She was dead serious. I looked. She stared in my eyes.

"You're a sissy fag queer girl, and you ~always~ acted like a girl, and everyone who ever liked you is queer too and they're all dead."

She said it all flat-serious and I felt cold. Then she poked me with Strawberry.

"And ~Carson~ is a BIG girl who's smart enough to make her OWN stupid decisions and take pretty good care of herself and she ~loves~ you, you stupid girl, and I just barely MET you and I think you're just ~perfect~ the way you are and my SISTER loves you just the way you ARE ~TOO~! Even if people DO bug her!! And if they hurt ~you~, you can be sure that a ~TON~ of p-pain is gonna... gonna, gonn-na hit... them from ALL OF... US!!"

She had tears and her voice cracked.

There was a soft knocking on the door, right away after she stopped.

----

Carson had been sitting in the hall and heard her shouting. All of the end. She had me wrapped up in her arms laying back on my bed and Jerri and Val were in the chairs.

"I can't believe you...." Carson rocked me.

"I can't believe you thought we should hate you for being ~nice~!" Jerri wasn't laughing, and still had tears, even, but she acted like I was an idiot.

"Li'l sis is a bit slow on the emotional stuff." Val grinned at me.

"Sis?" Jerri and Carson both laughed.

"Well, sometimes." She leaned over and gave me Strawberry again and I wrapped her up and felt her and Carson together. It was scary.

"Is he... is she like Carson?" Jerri was really so normal.

"No." Carson hugged a little pulse of love.

"No, I think more... not just." Val sounded different and I looked and she was smiling at me.

"How's this: she's a little bit girl, and in love with a transsexual girl, and a little gay, and...."

She kinda looked at everyone, but really just at me.

"She's my sister. I love her."

I couldn't even blink. The way Val looked.

Jerri spazzed and looked at me like she was freaked, then at Carson, and she smiled too. Huge.

"Yeah!"

----

I introduced Carson to Strawberry, at last.

All the girls did aww and teased me, but they fussed over her, too, even Val, at how clean and new she was.

----

Our parents were fine with us being gone for an hour or so.

Val had been running interference at the end, telling them I was making up more with Jerri or something, and they were having some discussion about us in school anyway, like almost official stuff, like everyone else lately, but when we were all finally back in the living room and Carson pulled the ottoman back over to the end of the couch and then pulled me down in her lap, Dad started laughing and she made like she was mad.

"What?! Like I'm s'posed to sit on top!? I'd ~squish~ her!"

Jerri and Val really broke up and Mom said something like "I'll tell you later...."

Dad and the Donners looked confused, but happy. I smiled and then closed my eyes and tried to find a best position.

Carson gently brushed her fingertips over my forehead and eye and cheek and neck....

----

Jerri gave me a huge hug when they left and I started to cry, like with Paul. "Thanks." I whispered, but it took a couple of tries.

She whispered that I had to let our sisters take care of me, okay? I nodded. She helped with my eyes.

Carson gave me a huge hug too, and a little kiss.

"I love you." She touched her nose to my hair and breathed in, and smiled even nicer.

"Me too...." I kissed her chin.

Mrs. Donner gave me a little kiss on the cheek and said I had to get better and then Mr. Donner did too, and said I had come out of my shell a little, and grinned at me.

Mom and Dad both hugged me hard and close and had little smiles that were all sorts of things, and said good night.

----

Val didn't even ask Mom and Dad about sleeping with her, we just did. She loaned me a new nightie she'd bought, with bigger ruffles almost ~exactly~ like Strawberry's.

----

"Was it because of me, because of... the girly stuff?"

"No." I turned over so we could talk face to face. Her nightie wrapped around my legs but I ignored it. I liked it so much I didn't care.

"No." I kissed her cheek and closed my eyes and smiled. No.

-

We got more comfortable and Val pulled my arm over to hug.

I hugged Strawberry and pretended I was showing her my matching nightie and making her smile.

-

End of Part 14

(Revised and reposted)

----

"Was it because of me, because of... the girly stuff?"

"No." I turned over so we could talk face to face. Her nightie wrapped around my legs but I ignored it. I liked it so much I didn't care.

"No." I kissed her cheek and closed my eyes and smiled. No.

-

We got more comfortable and Val pulled my arm over to hug.

I hugged Strawberry and pretended I was showing her my matching nightie and making her smile.

----

On Monday morning my leg was just sore, but it was swollen almost out of the cast. It went down a lot after a cool soak with lots of ointment.

-

Mom took me to the hospital right after breakfast and they said I'd over-done it, but not too badly. The cut wasn't any worse - just - but they said my bone was irritated or inflamed or something. Or maybe the screws in it were, and I only had to take some more pills they said weren't even very serious, just super-ASA or something, and put it up more.

I went to Paul's ward but he was away in a meeting. Practically all of them were, and I didn't know the nurse who was there.

So Mom took me to go see my new counselor. We were about a half hour early, but she'd called from the hospital while they were looking at me, and she had the time open, so.

----

'Carol Fairhaven' the door said, nothing else, and her office had a waiting room with all the usual and no secretary or whatever, just a waiting area.

While I was still looking, a younger-looking lady, like in her twenties maybe, came in from another door and smiled. She was pretty and had a dress on, like over-dressed, I thought. Then I thought I was comparing her to the hospital where everyone except the doctors wore scrubs, almost....

"Hello, I'm Carol." She shook hands with us both. Mom introduced us and we all went in her office, or room or whatever. It was all pink and white, and reminded me of Valerie's bedroom, before.

She said she knew Dr. Wilkinson, and she noticed my face or something 'cause after, after Mom went out to the waiting room, she asked if I didn't like Dr. Wilkinson. I didn't want to say anything but she said she had to either trust what he said about me or not.

But when Mom was still there she said she just wanted to talk with me today about why I'd been referred to her and get to know each other, and, after a few minutes, that Mom should wait outside.

-

She told me about confidentiality and secrecy and what she had to tell Mom or Dad and all that stuff, and then asked me about Dr. Wilkinson.

I told her what he'd said about Carson. And that he'd apologized too, and that it was sort of okay, just that I didn't trust him, really.

I never even thought that maybe I shouldn't be just telling her about Carson.

-

She asked me to tell her all about everything since my accident.

She asked me questions about Carson. And she turned them all around to being about me, like the stuff that happened. About why I was there, I guess, but pretty well everything, more than I'd said.

I'd thought it was for my depression. She said it was lots of things, it sounded like.

----

"Do you want to know what Paul Kirby, your nurse, wrote about you?"

She asked it like it wasn't bad, but I was scared.... I still nodded. I was surprised she had anything from him. I thought the... that what we said was different than the other hospital... things....

"He likes you, I can tell." She looked at a paper, a form with handwriting on it. Lots.

"He said you were... delightful." She smiled at me.

"Do you think he says that about all his patients?"

I didn't know what to say. I shook my head a little.

"He also said you were a very young-acting, very feminine boy." She looked at my face, like studying me.

"Do you know what he means?"

I remembered, like I could feel it right then, like it was happening, Paul hugging me and the feel of him. Him saying "Honey," and how wonderful I felt. How I loved him. He wrote that....

I said what I was afraid of, instead.

"I cry too much, and stuff."

She watched me some more. I looked at my hands, and my leg. Baggy jeans made it seem almost normal, even stuck out straight.

I didn't know why it was so hard when it was so okay when we talked about it last night. Or when Paul made it so... all the feelings were too hard to think right then. I had to find words that didn't even come close. Didn't even make sense, for what she asked. I couldn't ever write them down. Paul did...

"Carson's a girl. I'm just gay." I sounded dull, even to myself. I must've sounded like a robot. I didn't even know why I said that.

"Why are you so sad?"

I couldn't answer. I couldn't see why she even asked. I didn't know.

Paul telling her stuff he whispered to me. Feminine. Gay.

Maybe Paul.

Maybe that sometimes when I stopped for a minute I still thought about never starting again, just for a tiny second. Even when I was happy. Like a ghost of that feeling.

Feminine. Girly. A girl. It seemed so okay before. Last night.

----

We talked for more than an hour. She was nice, after a while.

After a while, I told her and she told me that Paul only wrote stuff to her after Dr. Wilkinson asked him to, and he knew her and he did it because he wanted me to get better.

----

She said I wasn't very good seeing what I looked like to other people and asked me what Carson looked like.

She asked me what I looked like. She asked me what ~she~ looked like.

Then she said I had to do it again, but without any words like beautiful, or pretty, or ugly, or our clothes or what we did. Only what we looked like.

I said Carson had big eyes and was tall and strong and a wide mouth and dark hair and so on.

I couldn't describe her. Who I saw. There was too much to even say.

Then I said I was skinny and... my leg. And I looked at my hands. My hands on ugly jeans and the bumps and scars. Where the blood was.

My arms were covered with little scabs and bigger, yellow bruises.

She must see how ugly I was.

----

"Paul, wrote that you kissed him."

She was looking at a paper again. Touching one. The same one, I guess. She looked at me.

"He said that he's never had a male patient your age kiss him before."

She nudged the paper an inch and looked at me all the time she was talking. She looked different, in her eyes.

She looked right in mine, more, then. She hadn't, as much.

"Caring professionals, nurses, doctors... even the people who cook and clean up in hospitals, they have to keep their feelings separate from the patients, but that's hard to do on a children's ward...."

She looked at her papers again for a second, and then back in my eyes.

"Do you know why ~you~ were on the children's ward?"

"Because... I'm seventeen?" I always thought.

"No.... Usually when a hospital has to place someone your age to assess them for suicide risk, they're placed in the psychiatric ward. Almost always."

She watched me, my eyes, like trying to see what I was thinking. I think I nodded. I'd thought that, too.

"Your family were with you, when you were checked in, weren't they?"

"And Carson, and her mom and dad."

"The admitting physician wrote that they were very worried about you, and a teenaged girl...?"

I remembered Carson stayed with me in the car... I remembered the man who asked me a hundred question and examined me, after, before my room, and who was there... who was allowed.

"My sister's twenty... her, I guess?"

"Well, your family, and your sister especially, wouldn't let him put you on the psychiatric ward. ~She~ said you were too young." She looked at the papers.

She looked back at me.

"Why do you think she said that?"

I shook my head, but she made me say.

"Because I cry like a baby."

I couldn't figure out why everything was so hard, so wrong. Why she kept asking.

"Do you think you would say that your sister, crying, was behaving like a baby?"

I had to think about what she meant. "No."

"Or Carson?"

"No!"

"Then why you? Why would you say that?"

I really had to think. I cried more... and they... joked....

It was what I'd thought last night. That Jerri said was wrong. That I was wrong when I thought it.

"I guess they wouldn't." It was 'cause I was a boy.

"So maybe it wasn't about you crying?"

I shook my head.

"What do you think they meant, then?"

I thought. Or just sat. She was nice, before.

"Do you remember what Paul said about you?"

"That I was a baby."

"Do you really think he'd ever say that?"

"No." I felt tired.

"He said you seemed feminine."

He said I was a joy, too.

It was the nicest thought I'd had in a while.

-

She made me tell her.

----

She really listened and asked about looking at guys, and she said it wasn't bad. That my looking wasn't.

But she would, it was her job.

It was all about that, 'cause I figured out it was the reason I was depressed. That that was the real reason I was there.

-

She asked if I ever thought Carson was a girl, before, or gay, or anything different.

I had to really think, but I didn't think so. I wondered why nobody else had asked that.

Carse was the one who was always quietest, and... not like guys, even before. She was different, but I didn't think a girl, or gay.

Never.

-

She said, did I think that girls acted different from boys?

Or gay men or boys, from other boys?

I didn't know any gay people, except me. She said I did, lots.

-

She asked me about things I did before I broke my leg, and about what people said about me back then, 'specially at school.

She said I was androgynous and it was healthy, like a balance.

She asked me about ~being~ gay, too. About sex, or thinking about it, with boys.

After she saw, I told her about the dreams, and the others, the more normal ones with Carson. And she asked me why I thought they'd stopped. The wet dreams.

She said we'd talk more about it later, another visit, and I kept trying not to die of embarrassment.

----

Somehow, I told her about Strawberry Shortcake and she told me she used to have one when she was a girl.

"Why do you like her?"

I told her about Carson, and my hair.

"But you like her too, Strawberry... don't you?"

I nodded and smiled a little bit. I did. Just thinking about her made me feel happier. I thought about Val's new nightie. That she got for me.

-

She was quiet, a long time.

"I used to like mine because she was so little." She smiled in her voice and I looked.

"I imagined she was like a little me, like I felt when I was a little girl. I remembered how I was... and it felt good to take care of her, of my little girl me."

I listened. I had to listen... more than....

-

The hardest feeling, hard to feel... ~ever~... came all over me.

Like a new feeling, with no words for it.

For the first time in a really hard hour, I started to cry. It was different, like trying to breathe.

Like I was drowning.

----

She held my hand and said if I wanted, I could bring my doll the next time.

----

She told Mom I was doing very well and all she wanted to do was give me "supportive therapy" for a while. Mom hugged my shoulders and was happy and I think Carol was happy with me too.

We never talked about suicide, really. Just the safety thing from the hospital, and my promise to Carson.

----

All afternoon, I read Mockingbird. I didn't know why, but all of a sudden I could get into it.

----

When Carson came over after school she gave me a long, hard hug and kiss and I held on to her longer than I think she expected.

"Hey, is everything okay?"

I nodded in her neck. "I just wanted to smell you."

She relaxed, and after a few more seconds she whispered. "Do I smell okay?"

I started to laugh but I didn't let go.

----

She couldn't stay long, but she made me feel good about myself.

She made me think about the new feeling, too. If she ever felt it.

I felt it, with her.

----

If she loved me, I couldn't be so bad. I even told Strawberry that. Wrinkly petticoat and all. The ruffles were better that way. They were real and were just ~her~ and didn't change and even got better from hugging.

Some of the wrinkles were from my hugs.

----

After supper, Mom and Dad had to go with Carson's parents to a meeting with Mr. Lopez. Carson and Brenda told him... well, more. About Carson. And I guess me. And they were gonna tell him about the GSA. Which I guess made it official.

Val worked on homework, or whatever you call it in university, and I read.

I finished the book, that night, the last fifty pages all in one rush. I hugged it, like Strawberry.

It hurt that it was over, and that it was so hard.

Val said, yeah, she'd really liked Mockingbird.

-

Atticus Finch and Jem and Scout, and Dill.

And Boo Radley and the trial and the town... and the scariest, hardest ending in any book I'd ever read.

-

I had all of Brenda's class notes and I really liked the way she wrote, and tried to copy her handwriting, but in some places it was like she'd read a totally different book than me.

----

Mom called that they were going to go over to the Donner's and we shouldn't wait up if we didn't want to. I was nodding off, so Val took us to bed.

----

I asked Val what she thought school would be like.

She straightened out my collar, or that ruffle, and settled her hand there, touching my neck a bit and tickling it with a finger, and said it'd be okay as long as I didn't wear silly things.

She wouldn't say what she meant, but I think she meant dresses.

As if.

She said go to sleep, too.

----

In the morning, after the physiotherapist (PAIN!), we went to see Paul.

That he'd written stuff about me to Carol made me think all sorts of thoughts, some good, some bad. I was afraid I wouldn't love him as much.

-

He looked the same, at the nurses' station, and when he stood up I still felt the same. When he hugged me, I felt even better, maybe.

He was too busy to spend more than a minute but he asked if I was okay and I even thought about it, and I was. Even good.

He gave me another hug and I gave him a kiss goodbye, and Mom took me home after we went to a restaurant for lunch. I had a salad and a few bites of a quesadilla and some smoothie, and she was pretty happy. I was stuffed.

It was my first time eating out in almost four months.

----

She sat with me all afternoon and we talked about things, like how she thought I was happier, and what the nurses and techs and physios and doctors were like (she watched, so she kinda knew) and what Carol was like (she liked her).

And the night, before, Sunday. About Jerri and all.

And Carson, and if it was the same for me now, if we were the same, since I was getting better.

-

And if I was a girl.

She hugged me from behind and breathed in my hair a while, first.

"Do you feel like a girl? Like Carson?"

I remembered how hard it'd been talking about it - feminine - with Ms Fairhaven, Carol, and stuff around it, that I was... that it was hard.

Feminine. If I was scared to say it, was it true? Jerri said sometimes the hardest stuff was the truest. It was hard. Girl.

That feeling.... It was there.

-

"Maybe?"

-

I could tell she was worried.

She didn't ask more, but she hugged me even harder, so I guess it was okay.

-

I could hardly believe I said that. I thought that everything might be over, that she'd be different forever and then Dad would be and then

She gave me a tight little squeeze more.

"I'm really scared, Mommy...." I ducked so I could put my chin on her arm. "If, if you... if you an' Dad..."

"Whoever you want to be, we love you."

She shushed me and just hugged and rocked a while.

-

"I promise that your daddy and I will ~never~ stop loving you, okay?" She rocked and I tried to listen.

"Remember I said love can change?" She rocked. And kissed my ear.

"That's the only kind of love that doesn't change... ever."

-

End if Part 15

(Revised and reposted)

----

"Whoever you want to be, we love you."

"I'm really scared, Mommy...." I ducked so I could put my chin on her arm. "If, if you... if you an' Dad-"

She shushed me and just hugged and rocked a while.

-

"I promise that your daddy and I will ~never~ stop loving you, okay?" She rocked and I tried to listen.

"Remember I said love can change?" She rocked. And kissed my ear.

"That's the only kind of love that doesn't change... ever."

----

Dad came at three to drive Mom to meet with Carson and her family for some before-meeting stuff at the school.

I must've looked something wrong, 'cause he came right over.

"What is it, honey?" He pulled me all close, like more than a sitting-down hug.

Feeling him like that, and how he was, I didn't even need to ask. Say.

Mom smiled like she knew, too.

-

Crying because I was too happy was one of the best things that had happened. Even if Dad didn't understand the same way Mom did.

----

Val came home from school about ten minutes after they left.

----

"Your hair's getting to be a nice length...." She pulled it all to one side.

I was sitting on the floor on a pile of pillows and she was behind me on the couch with her small purse brush.

"It's too long." I liked it, but it was.

"No it's not. Why is it too long?" She pulled it all straight back in one hand and wiggled my head while she did the ends.

"It stays wet too long 'cause I can't stand up to dry it...."

"Oh. Yeah, I hadn't thought of that.... Well, I'll dry it for you, and I know Mom would love to, too, so that's no reason any more."

She finger-combed it a bit at the top and then brushed more.

"And... ~Carson~ sure likes it like this...."

I had to laugh. "You can't use Carson liking something ~all~ the time!"

She laughed too. "No, but about ninety-nine percent of the time...."

She made a funny pull and then told me to sit up a bit. My hair stayed tight when she slipped out and sat beside me, facing me.

"That looks cute. Wait here a sec...." She scrambled up and ran upstairs.

I felt, and she'd put one of her elastics into a ponytail. Almost all my hair was up in it, which I'd never been able to do before. Well, I'd never tried one that high, either....

She bounced back downstairs with her mirror and a spritz bottle and some other stuff.

-

"You can't use plain elastics much or they wreck your hair...."

"You use-"

"Listen to your big sister."

-

"Don't mess it up! Here, look." She handed me the mirror and I held it about a yard away.

It looked like I had a really short haircut, or had it greased back. My cheeks and eyes and... I looked like Val, or Mom.

But I was so bony....

I didn't look the way I did before, at all.

-

I could hardly even see the scrunchie in the mirror, in front. And it was nice to have the hair out of my eyes.

----

"Because someone would stare at Carson and then nothing would get done, that's why."

Valerie kept painting, like it wasn't even something she had to think about. She only looked up after.

"You guys've already talked about it. I was there."

"It's still-"

"Carson's a ~BOY~ and ~HE~...."

-

"See?"

It was a dirty trick. And I didn't cry, I wasn't even close.

I practiced glaring at her. Again.

She put the little brush back in again and screwed it shut again and shook it, again.

"If it was Carruthers, you woulda, and you know it." She started on my last toe that she had to do all that shaking for. They looked stupid with the purple thingie, spread all out.

"It's a good thing I got to these before anyone outside the family saw them...."

"It's not like I could bend down!!"

----

"It's dry enough...." Val rolled up a clean sock and then carefully unrolled it up my foot.

"You still have to be a bit careful for the first hour, even when it's dry, 'cause it takes time to get really hard."

They weren't my socks. I didn't have any that color, or whatever fuzzy stuff they were. But they were really soft and my feet felt great. ~I~ felt great.

"They should be finishing around now, if everything went like they planned." She finished rolling the sock on my good foot. It felt wonderful, too.

She ran a finger under the top of the sock and folded it down to match and folded up a cuff on my jeans and placed my leg with the other one on the ottoman.

I wiggled my toes and looked at the socks. They were a nice color, and, as Val pointed out, they matched the flowers on Strawberry's dress. Like my toes, now. Like my nightie. Too. I should show her...

"I'm getting hungry." Val plopped down beside me and picked up my hand.

"Oh, gawd! These are almost as bad!"

"No they're not!"

"No... they're not, I guess..." She picked up her nail kit again.

"They still suck."

----

"Mom said they'd come back right after."

"Is everyone coming here?" Val looked around at all the stuff on the floor and all. She leaned over and got up. "I better straighten up a little...."

She'd brought down a shoe box with about a dozen bottles of polish and lotions and creams. And kinda a kit with the little nail tools and stuff, and her hair stuff... it was an armload.

My hands looked the same, but better nails, I had to admit. And they smelled nice. And were softer. She said it was a basic manicure.

"Now, if you just take a few minutes every day while I'm doing your hair, they can look that way all the time." Val plomped back down and took one to look at closer.

"You're lucky they aren't flatter or you'd have split a bunch of them, they were so ragged...." She smoothed her thumb over one nail. "They came out nice."

She held it after she looked.

"So, who do you think's coming?"

"Well, Brenda and Carson... and Jerri and their parents, I guess. Jerri was gonna come for sure...."

"Well, yah! You're her girl, girl! She adores you, you know." Val grinned at me.

"What?"

"Never mind." She grabbed my other hand and examined it. "Who else?"

"Um. Well, Jason and Cheryl and Heather were supposed to be there, about being in the club. Straight kids. They're who Brenda and Carse asked, but I dunno if they're coming. I don't think she said...."

"Did Jerri bring anyone?"

"Carson said she wasn't going to. She- she said she hasn't talked with any of her friends about anything like... well, gay or other stuff yet, and didn't know...." Jerri was worried about Carson, I knew, about telling kids her age.

"Jason...? I remember him, he's that goofball."

"No he's not, and Brenda and Carson trust him and they're all really helping with the club...."

Val let my hand go and I looked at it. I couldn't see what she was looking for. Or at.

"Hold it far away... yeah, like that. See, you can check how even your nails are, and if they're the right length for your fingers? Yours could be a little longer and they'd make your hands look just right, like balanced. See?" She held her hand up beside mine.

"We've got about the same length fingers, but your hand's wider, so longer nails will give it the same proportions. Or if you wore a brighter color polish or a French manicure, they'd look longer."

"I can't-"

"Orrrrr, you could just take care of them and let them grow a little."

"How come men don't do this, this way?"

"Men just look at their nails and miss the whole hand. We did your whole hand, moisturizer and all that, and if you wanna see how your nails look on your hand, you hold it out...."

-

"And keep using the clear stuff. It has a hardener and looks nice too."

----

"I bet someone screams!" Val made a movie scream. I laughed a mad scientist laugh.

"Or... right at ~the moment~... the LIGHTS go out!"

"There's a gunshot!"

"~Then~ a scream!"

"Then the lights go on... and... and ~Carson~ has a gun... and... an' she's looking at it... all confused...."

Valerie rolled around on the couch she was laughing so hard.

"An-n-n-n... an, and Car- Cr- Carruthers... says," she had to swallow.

"That's IT!!! De-TEN-shun for you, YOUNG LADY!!"

----

Valerie sat back down after redoing my ponytail. Or tails, this time.

"You need holding spray... your hair's too fine to stay neat for long...."

The front screen door clicked and whooshed and we knew they were home.

"Hide the evidence, kids!" Mom and Dad both came in and quickly shut the door, but didn't take their coats off. It felt like it was getting really cold out.

"We just wanted to let you know it all went well and Carson and the others should be here in a minute and we thought we'd pick up dinner for everyone.... Chinese from Shangri La sound good?"

Mom came over and smiled and kissed us both, so I knew it went well. Like she said. And they said they'd tell us all about it when they got back.

Then they both took off again right away.

"Who were those people?"

"Parents. They come, they go...." Valerie pulled the elastic out and left the scrunchie side in.

"I wonder if it's long enough for pigtails...?"

-

It wasn't. Val said it was, but it wasn't.

She said it was cute, but it was just stupid. I could feel it sticking almost straight out like an antenna. And she wouldn't let me look in the mirror.

-

A couple minutes later we heard laughing and car door-slamming, and loud complaining about cold and driving.

Carson knocked and opened the door and peeked.

"We're here!" She happy-smiled at us on the couch and opened the door all the way, and the rest tromped in after her. "Did your mom call? They said they were gonna get take-out."

We kinda told Carson while everyone huddled around and brrrr-ed and competed to get their stuff hung up except Jerri just threw it over the stair rail and ran in. Brenda called hi and Cheryl, Heather and Jason grinned at us and waved.

Jerri and Brenda were normal, even if Jerri was bouncing all over and almost pulling my arm off. But it was the first time anyone from my class except Brenda and Carson had been over all year, and they might have been normal, but I wasn't. Val kept her arm tight around me, like she knew.

Brenda finished second and fell into the armchair and pulled her feet up and grinned at me. "It went great, guys! Kewl hair! It's a new look for you, isn't it?" She laughed.

Val made a stupid noise and pulled the elastic out and mussed it all over. Out. Un-pigtailed. Then she looked at me more and laughed too.

"Symmetry... symmetry...." She reached around and pulled the scrunchie out, that after the braid and elastic felt like it wasn't even there. She finger-combed it, better, I guess.

Jason came in and said hi and sat in Dad's recliner and grinned at me, and then Cheryl and Heather sat on the smaller chairs, and ~they~ grinned at me. Heather waved, too.

Val let go and shifted way over and Carson kneed the ottoman over a bit and then wiggled down between us. Jerri just squished in tighter on my other side.

Kiss. Carson, not Jerri. Jerri just grinned and took my hand.

"Mom and Dad are gonna be a while, they wanted to talk with the schoolboard rep who was there," Carson mentioned as she wiggled in deeper, or me in closer.

Jerri whispered at the same time that she thought my socks were cute.

"Aren't they?" Val reached across Carson and poked my arm. "Told you!"

"I never said they weren't!" I'd just said I hadn't worn socks like them before. She laughed.

"They ~are~ nice." Carson wiggled. I looked up at her. She was smiling all over.

"Do you like them? Val said..."

"Not as cute as you." She kissed me again, a little peck.

"Oh, gawd! Hand me some insulin!" Val fake-whined.

"Well, they're yours...." I was making sure Carson was... there.

"No, they're ~yours~." When I looked, Val grinned. "I got them for you."

I didn't know what to say. Or think. Val smiled and patted my arm where she'd poked it. "You're welcome."

Jerri spazzed and sighed. And when I looked, she smiled like... well, like everything was going perfectly. She switched to Valerie for a second.

"That's her perfect color, too!"

From the girl who only wears black....

-

Jerri held my hand pretty hard while she examined my nice nails and Carson kept her arm around me, and between them, and Brenda and Val being about the same as they always were, I guess I... well, I got used to them.

Jason and Cheryl and Heather. Sitting there.

It was weird, but they were the same, I mean, like they always were, last year at school, and in the summer... except maybe smilier. Anyway, I almost relaxed.

Jason hadn't said anything, even when Carson put her arm around me. And kissed me. I relaxed even more when I thought of that.

"So tell! What happened!?"

Val wasn't relaxed, even though she was totally grinning. That started everyone off, all at once.

-

"Ohmigod, you should have seen this lady's face when Carson read her speech!"

"Oh, God, yeah! Carson, did you see her? She was... her eyes opened so wide I thought they were gonna do the pop-out thing!"

"And everything was in the papers, so she never even looked at them..."

"And, Jase, you asshole! Like you helped!"

"Yeah!"

"She just got there, right before.... maybe she just got them then."

"I never got to look at them all.... I know Carson's stuff's in there, is she too?"

"What?! Whadid I do?"

"Who?"

"She stared at ~everyone~ all the time and I thought she was totally rude to Carson."

"Oh, come on! Saying it was amazing ~Carson~ came out first? Carruthers almost had a fit and I bet if Mr. Lopez hadn't been there he would've thrown you out!"

"C'mon. That reading thing was so dramatic! Her ~mom~ was staring!"

"Oh, wow! I never connected! Oh, wow! Yeah... Ok. Peters, you're an idiot! What if Carruthers figured-"

"Ohh! Cute socks!"

"His ~parents~ were there, Sherlock!"

"Oh... yeah...."

"And, I'm sorry. I never thought, and I wouldn't have said that if I had. I think you're both cool and I didn't mean anything bad. Even?"

"I thought it was 'cause of Carson."

"She?"

"But everyone already thought so, anyway...."

-

"Quiet!!"

Valerie made them all shut up. Then she made Brenda tell what happened, by herself.

Then she made them all shut up again. This time Carson and Jerri too.

-

"Well..." Brenda said, and looked down at her hands.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... ahhhhhhhhhhhhh...."

Jason and then all of them burst out laughing and Carson blushed.

And apparently, Carson had started her speech that way. Big joke, but she was as red as a beet.

-

"... and her dad stood up beside her when she read, and she read it ~very~ well!" Brenda smiled at Carson like grade two.

"And then Jason made that, that ~stupid~ joke!" Cheryl sounded mad. She glared at Jason.

"I was just surprised! I mean, ~Carson~!? C'mon!! No way!" Jason almost yelled.

I felt her stiffen up for the first time since she got there and I pulled my hand away from Jerri-

"I'm okay." She leaned way down and kissed me.

She was. I was, again. She smiled.

-

End of Part 16

(Revised and reposted)

----

"... and her dad stood up beside her when she read, and she read it ~very~ well!" Brenda smiled at Carson like grade two.

"And then Jason made that, that ~stupid~ joke!" Cheryl sounded mad. She glared at Jason.

"I was just surprised! I mean, ~Carson~!? C'mon!! No way!" Jason almost yelled.

I felt her stiffen up for the first time since she got there and I pulled my hand away from Jerri-

"I'm okay." She leaned way down and kissed me.

She was. I was, again. She smiled.

----

Carson, Jerri and Brenda hadn't told them ~anything~ about her being transsexual before the meeting.

"How did you explain starting a gay-oriented group?"

"I said I was friends with some lesbians!" Brenda giggled and spazzed a little, and grinned at Carson and me.

"I know a lesbian too." Jerri smiled her head in half at me. I grinned back.

-

"Anyway, the GSA thing was almost the easiest, after all that." Brenda folded open the papers she'd dug out of her pack. "There's even already some policies about them they made just in case about five years ago...."

"And Carruthers wasn't bad about it. He even thought of the same sabotage problem and had an idea he had to check with the board...."

"And twelve signed-up members, too, counting you!"

They all looked at me like I was being cute or something, except Jason grinned at me like he was being cute. Then, when I accidentally looked at him, he smiled.

"Hey, really, I'm sorry if I came off sounding like I was insulting you, I never meant it to. I mean, I think being gender-talented is great! It's just.. well, I mean, c'mon...." He did a hand thing.

"We just always... well, if there was a pool on the first out jock?" He did a deep sound. "But ~transsexual~? Wow! We ~never~ thought of that!"

Heather and Cheryl laughed again and Brenda and Val sort of looked mad at each other or something.

-

"It wasn't like that, it was really okay...."

Carson hugged me while they made fun of us. And the way she said it, and that she hadn't even been embarrassed except when Brenda said that 'ahh' thing, or when they were almost yelling before... it was okay. Like she said.

"What'd you say?" I tried to change the subject and leaned into her.

"When?"

"When you told them! What'd you say?" I couldn't believe Brenda just told us she did a 'speech thing.'

"Told them what?" Carson was so innocent sounding I knew she was fooling, so I just shut up and waited.

She jiggled me after a few seconds. Jerri stared into my face and tried not to smile.

"About what?"

I started to say she ~knew~ about wha-

She kissed my ear.

-

She switched to just touching my ear with her lips and breathing....

-

"You two are disgusting."

It sounded like everyone laughed, and Brenda was grinning at us when I looked, but she made kissy-face to make sure I understood.

"Nobody on the football team ever kissed like that when I went to Middleton...." Val sounded just like Brenda.

"How'd you find that out?" everyone but me and Carson asked almost at the same time, except Heather laughed before she got out "How...?" or anything.

"Personal research." Val looked all prim and proper. "And let me tell you, none of them made ~anyone~ do... that."

"I was on the team, one year you were there...." Carson said that just past my ear, really, really low....

I completely collapsed, eyes closed.

Just her lips moving was enough, but the vibration, and her breath....

"You were on the team, but not really on the ~team~, if you know what I mean." Val was laughing with all of them. "And would you ~stop~ that!? You're positively OBSCENE!"

Carson breathed a little different....

I wasn't... ever....

Val sighed.

"You two!" She made a noise I couldn't see. Kinda half-rude and half-nice.

-

When I sat up a little bit more I realized that Jason and them being there... seeing us, me... was okay. Totally okay.

I relaxed more into Carson and squeezed Jerri's hand again. She smiled at me all happy too, like she knew I'd sit up. Or feel good. I smiled thanks at her, thanks.

"Tell us about your speech anyway, please? Even if she can't pay attention longer than a goldfish, ~I~ wanna know." Val was almost whining.

Carson laughed again and I shivered. Who knew my hair would be like that? When she finished chuckling at me she kissed my ear again (without breathing) and sat up more.

It was okay. I was exhausted.

"What was the question again?" Carson sounded like she was tired, but she wasn't. I got comfortable. Jerri put her feet on the ottoman and lifted my leg up on hers.

I closed my eyes again when Carse pulled my head down and started running her finger around my neck. I stretched back, to feel her more....

"I liked your hair like... that...."

I... anything.

"Stop that! There are ~children~ present!!"

Brenda totally lost it and Carson kissed my neck and sat up again. Away.

I flopped back and grumped. Dumb ol'... football team debaucher. Jerri giggled.

"Yes?" Carson sounded perky.

"Coming out?" Val sounded normal again, too. "Speech?" Everything seemed so good.

"Oh, yeah. You mean, what I said?" Carson half-un-hugged me with one arm and dug in her pocket for something. I opened my eyes to look, and it was a folded-up paper.

"I was too nervous, so I wrote this and read it. Some of it's from a website...." She snapped her wrist and the paper unfolded upside down, almost on my chest.

"Ahem." She squeezed me and kissed my hair. And read:

"I'm transsexual."

She crumple-folded the paper one-handed and hugged me properly again.

There was way more on the paper and it didn't start that way either, and it was wrong way up, but I pretended that was what it said, too. Besides, by then she was nosing the top of my ear again.

And she couldn't read without her glasses anyway.

Val made a mad noise and Heather giggled, something she doesn't do well. Snickered, maybe. Carson made a quiet snort, too, but it was very quiet.

"Okay, okay." She waved the paper after she gave me another 'wait' kiss.

"I read this... but it basically says I'm transsexual and I don't plan on changing the way I look too much in school, and still want to play football, and I'm terribly, hopelessly in love."

She kissed me on the cheek.

-

That... she said that... there, in front of them.

----

Mr. Carruthers wasn't happy about Carson, or me either, according to Jason. Or maybe just knowing about us, that we existed. Brenda thought it was almost like he had a kind of 'don't ask, don't tell' thing.

Jason said "It's so idiotic, anyway! I mean, he knew before, he just pretended he didn't! I mean it's like he's the only one in the don't tell loop, so what's the point?!"

Brenda glared at him.

"Look, shut up. It doesn't change that he's gonna be- gonna argue with everything that happens, just to be-"

"A bastard." Jason wasn't joking.

"What!" Everyone looked at Val. Me too.

"Don't keep talking like we were there! What are you talking about? What did he say? You said he was okay with the GSA before!"

"Just- yeah, he was. He is. But like when it was about ~how~ it would happen, everything anyone said he was all 'Well, it's not necessary to publicize this...' and 'Well, I think we need to make sure all the parents involved are on side with this....'" Jason ~really~ wasn't joking.

"Carse, the only way he ever referred to you was 'your son' or whatever! He totally ignored you! What you said...."

"So he wasn't great. But I already told my parents he was like that before, and the club is already there and he's not the one who makes the rules. Those rules." Carson was okay, from her hug.

"No, but that board-lady Sonia whatsername ~does~, and she wasn't much better!"

"She was just caught off guard. I bet Carruthers didn't tell her what the meeting was about ahead of time on purpose...."

Carson nodded or something.

"She was way better, after. I mean, after, when we had that break? she told my parents there's students in other districts that have transitioned, and even regulations for all the schools so there's all sorts of things they just have to copy over to here. Mom- my mother really liked her, after. They're meeting with her without Carruthers right now about what happens if we go to post-season, too."

Carson bent down and added. "Don't worry. It all went great."

I knew, just from how she was talking, but I smiled yeah. "I'm glad. I was worried."

-

"What's transitioned?"

"No, I mean, I guess I know, but what does it really mean, like for school and all?"

-

Mr. Lopez was really on our side, they all said, and I guess I knew he would be.

And Sonia Dunst was the school board lady, and they said she said there were rules and stuff that Carson had to follow, washrooms and all.

But they said Carruthers said the only change the school was going to make right away was that Carson couldn't use the boys' ~or~ girls' washrooms, or the gym- the locker rooms, even on away games, for her own protection, and they still had to find out if that was even legal. Or which ones she'd use. Or something.

But everyone agreed it was okay until they found that out. Decided it. The washroom thing.

I thought it might be embarrassing.

"What washrooms are you gonna use, then?"

She smiled and whispered just as quietly.

"The same ones ~you~ are, the wheelchair one near the main office and the staff one by the locker room."

"Me!?"

"Yup. There's no stalls, just a big room, and it locks so you can be safe, too. Mr. Lopez and your mom and dad said. And they're gonna put a chair in both of them tomorrow, too"

"And your dad said ~she~ has to wait outside." Brenda grinned at me.

I turned red. I hadn't even thought of that 'til then.

Val took a second, too, and then burst out laughing.

-

They showed us Mr. Lopez's info packages and said they were for all the staff and had all the human rights laws and stuff about transsexuals and gay students and things from other schools, and even federal law. Like a good website, sorta. It had a lot of stuff. I really wanted to read the transsexual papers but they said I had to wait.

-

And the GSA was sort of officially on hold. Even it was already there and running and Jason and Brenda were the official organizers, it wouldn't be a regular student group until Mrs. Dunst and Mr. Lopez could get all sorts of paperwork stuff for Carruthers.

Or till they could make him start acting like a human being, they all said. Or thought, it sounded like. Like Jason. He still didn't like Mrs. Dunst, but he called Mr. Carruthers a complete prick.

His word.

I think Val wanted to ask a ton more, like me. Because I was totally confused about if it was all ~good~, or all ~bad~. About the GSA.

-

And that was the meeting. Or that was all they were gonna talk about it until Mom and Dad got back, anyway.

And I remembered they were happy about things.

----

Val and Brenda went to the fridge in the den to get everyone drinks and Heather leaned forward.

"Okay! Now that your guard dogs are gone for a minute..." she started giggling before she finished when Cheryl poked her. Or she might've been poking her before.

"No, really... Carson, you said you were in ~love~? How long have you two been going together?" Cheryl asked, way more normally.

"I'm betting on ever since..." Jason looked at me like he was measuring. "September of... umm... freshman year?"

"What?"

He grinned.

"Oh, come on! I mean, ~Carson~...? Tall, ripped and fourteen?! He was gorgeous! Pardon me, madame: ~she~ was gorgeous! A dream-boat. Still is!"

"Dream-boat? Does the team know what kinda stuff you look at, Jase?" Cheryl snorted.

Jason made a snooty face. "Hey! I can appreciate beauty in all its forms! Do I look like a mouth-breather or something?"

"A what? What does mouth-breathing have to do with anything?"

"No idea. Why did you bring it up? We were talking about how good Carson looks!"

"No, ~you~ were talking about how good Carson looks!"

"Was I? Oh." Jason looked at us and smiled like a TV host. "Well she does."

"Ok, back to the point! Dish, you mah-vel-ous dream-boats... when did you hook up together? The world wants to know!" Heather aimed a fake microphone at us.

"I didn't say they were ~both~ dream-boats! Carson, yes... but, I dunno.... It's just not the right word for cutie-pie... hmmm."

"Annnd we learn more about ~Jason~, when what we ~want~ to learn how long ~you've~ been together!"

"Hey! ~She~..."

"~I~ was there at the beginning! They looked at each other and ~pow~, it was love!" Brenda had returned. "I saw it all! Interview me!!"

"Oh, sure! Elvis was playing... I remember it like yesterday! Carson asked her to dance... little sister wore white... the King played a tango...." And, Valerie with her.

----

They kept asking stuff about us, Carson and me, and how we got together, or what happened, or when we found out about each other, or that we liked each other, I guess... like Heather asked who kissed who first and Cheryl giggled her head off.

Carson answered most of them, and I remembered how she'd looked back when I first saw her....

I had a memory of a second, like a photo, and her face, and her smile....

-

I remembered feeling like the whole world was better.

-

Listening to them, I felt like the whole world was different.

I mean, like I thought it was Carson who was so... I mean... she was a ~girl~! She was incredible....

But it was me who they thought was... whatever. ~More~ different.

And they all ~always~ did.

And they all thought it was gonna be me that the bullies and bigots and Carruthers and whoever would pick on. More.

It was warm.

-

Carson hugged and whispered me into not worrying about any of it for then. It was all the same stuff, and just that they were talking, nothing new....

----

As embarrassing as it was, or was in the morning, I fell asleep and missed the rest, even the take-out.

Val said Jason begged and everyone laughed, but Carson carried me upstairs.

Or she said, anyway.

She made up all sorts of lies and stories while she dried my hair.

Val.

-

End of Part 17

(Revised and reposted)

----

Listening to them, I felt like the whole world was different.

I mean, like I thought it was Carson who was so... I mean... she was a ~girl~! She was incredible....

But it was me who they thought was... whatever. ~More~ different.

And they all ~always~ did.

And they all thought it was gonna be me that the bullies and bigots and Carruthers and whoever would pick on. More.

It was warm.

-

Carson hugged and whispered me into not worrying about any of it for then. It was all the same stuff, and just that they were talking, nothing new....

----

As embarrassing as it was, or was in the morning, I fell asleep and missed the rest, even the take-out.

Val said Jason begged and everyone laughed, but Carson carried me upstairs.

Or she said, anyway.

She made up all sorts of lies and stories while she dried my hair.

Val.

She said at ~least~ I missed Carson and Jerri and her having to explain over and over and over again about surgery and hormones and cross-dressing and what words meant... and my nails were still perfect.

----

Mom said I needed at least one more day of resting up before school if I couldn't stay up long enough to eat supper. She said I had to eat more than toast for breakfast, too.

And she said Carson really did carry me upstairs last night, but Dad got me undressed, not her.

Val had said I could have Strawberry for keeps if I was gonna carry her around anyways... and she gave me her matching nightie for real, too. And a kiss on the cheek.

Mom said I could take her to school but I had to leave her in my pack or she'd stay home.

Carson said she'd remind me. I forgot: Carson came over for breakfast. She wasn't saying much, but Mom and Val were probably beating her out.

Mom said I'd have to go see the school nurse about my pills again too, just because they were prescription.

Carson said I had to see Mr. Lopez, too, about washrooms. She didn't look like it was a joke. Then she said it was just 'cause I needed a key, and kissed me.

Mom said I had to see him first thing, anyway, and last period, at least the first day, to check in about feeling okay and get set with my classwork and other school stuff.

And she said she was gonna try to get me in to see Mrs. Fairhaven today. Carol. Before school. That I had to go see Carol before I could go back to school.

Everyone said it was gonna be a hard day for me. Going back to school. When I did.

Me too. I was getting scared, even if my leg felt pretty good most of the time. Even with the GSA thing. Even with Carson. For Carson.

I didn't say any of that, though.

----

Val had to leave for her weird Thursday schedule, just one class at nine in the morning. She went around the table and kissed all of us on the cheeks and said she was dizzy....

-

Carson had to head to school a few minutes later and I followed her to the front door. Before she put on her jacket she gave me a kiss, and then just held me.

After a few seconds, I realized she was scared. More than I'd been.

"Carse?"

"It's okay." She hugged harder for a second.

I tried to hold on harder, too. "What?"

She just held on, and I had to ask again. "What?"

"It's nothing...."

"What? It's not nothing." It really wasn't.

"Just... now all the teachers... and coaches... know about me...." Her breath was shaky. "And...."

She just held me.

I'd felt her shake before.

I didn't know what to say. More than anything, I wanted to go with her and help... keep her safe. Make her feel safe. Make anyone who hurt her stop.... To die or something.

"Mom!!"

----

"I can't give her permission to skip, honey, I'm sorry...." Mom was. "The club isn't general knowledge yet, not after one night-"

"But she needs someone with her to make sure none of the ~teachers~ are... like... that!" I hugged her arm and tried to get Mom to see.

Carson didn't seem to want to talk about it. About anything, and I had to get it all by myself. I hugged harder.

"All of them have the memo things and even if they don't say Carson's name, they all know what everyone's doing and they'll figure it out and what if one of them is transphobic?!" I thought of another thing...

"I mean, and today, the... the alliance isn't there yet and her parents still have to meet more with the board lady and if any of the teachers are bigots, they could-"

Carson shivered. That was it. There ~weren't~ any students on her side, yet, and-

"What if a teacher ~outs~ her today, Mom!?"

Mom looked at us and asked really quietly, "What if that happens tomorrow, or the next day?"

I couldn't believe she didn't see!

"But ~I'll~ be with her tomorrow!!"

-

Carson sat with me, already late for school, and Mom called Mr. Lopez.

-

"I'm sorry...."

"For what? I'd be afraid if you weren't there with me! I bet you planned everything for school, like the GSA and last night, and today, and never even worried about how scary it'd be, didn't you?"

Carson would. She woulda thought it out like a football play and ignored any bad feelings that got in the way, or pretended they were just things she could push past or tackle. But she was scared to tell me, before. Even then. She looked away.

"Carse?"

She looked at me, almost. I wanted to cry that I made her feel so bad. I just kept her arm, so I could think and talk.

"Remember you told me you just ~knew~ who you were?" I waited for her to nod.

"That was like the biggest feeling in your life, wasn't it? I mean, who you are?"

She nodded again, and looked at me more.

"So the biggest ~feeling~ is the biggest truth, the most real... fact in your life."

I knew how to say it now. I kissed her shoulder.

"Feelings, and being who you are, and being happy, and being in love... they're the most important things. The ~real~ things." I closed my eyes so I could say it all right. What Paul said.

"The school, the GSA and everything... it's so you can ~feel~ safe." I thought. It was hard. I knew I was talking too fast. No-

"No! You have to ~be~ safe, too. It's for that, too." I had it. What Jerri said, and Carol, and Paul, all of them!

"But you have to ~feel~ safe, and love, and happy, too." I got her to look right in my eyes.

"It doesn't matter if all the teachers are great! Or if the whole school is totally cool with us and the GSA and everything!" I leaned in and hugged her.

"You're afraid they aren't. Me too. What if they aren't all okay." I breathed. It was hard not to cry.

"Carson...." Breath.

"You said, 'I love you,' and I know it's true and it's real, and more important... more than ~anything~ to me! And if you're scared, it's true and real too, and more important than anything else at school."

-

I kept feeling something almost like what I felt when I was talking to Carol. Like a wave inside me.

Like Carson. Big and true.

----

Mom came back into the living room and sat on the other side of Carson.

"Okay. Mr. Lopez said the packages ~haven't~ been distributed and are still in the main office. Mr. Carruthers wants them updated when the board confirms their policies, which will be Monday, they both thought, and then just copying time. So they'll go out to the school staff on Tuesday or Wednesday and they'll ~both~ call your parents and confirm they're being distributed, the night before."

"Annnnd I called Mrs. Dunst's office at the school board and they ~are~ dealing with that during Monday's meeting, Monday morning, and she said it was just to make sure any notes from other schools in the district are attached or whatever." She smiled because she knew my question.

"And I called your father and explained, and that you'd be late."

"So...?" She looked at Carson.

"So," I said. Mom didn't know everything.

I looked at Carson. "If it's just Mr. Carruthers... and maybe a couple of the office people? And the same, the same students as yesterday, will you ~feel~ safe?"

Carson looked at me, and then Mom. I thought we were asking really different questions.

Or maybe Mom wasn't even asking a question.... She looked almost mad at me.

"Mom! She's ~scared~!"

Carson half-turned and looked at me.

"I'm better, really." She tried to smile, too. "Thank you."

She kissed my forehead and then turned back to Mom.

"I ~was~ really scared, but I think I can cope with just Mr. Carruthers... and... and... what they're, um, doing. Thanks for calling, like that, it really.... Thank you."

She looked back at me. Her eyes were still bigger than calm, but better.

"I promise."

----

"So."

Ten minutes later, Carson was gone. I'd wanted to drive with her, and maybe get Mom to follow and drive me back....

I was still scared for her, and Mom looked exactly the same.

Carson had driven out of sight, so I sat down around. Mom sat beside me.

"She was going to charge in there, even if she was terrified," She sounded mad, too.

"And you wanted to go along with her, even more terrified, and unable to do more than show her your support? Even needing her help to get around?"

"But-"

"But ~you~ decided that how she felt was what she should base such an important decision on, not school rules, or even the law."

"Only-" I could feel my eyes....

"Aht!" She stopped me and then put her hands in her lap.

"Were you going to say something like, 'Only for really important feelings,' like her being really scared?"

She looked at me. Like, how would I know what was important? Like, I couldn't help her.... Like I couldn't....

I had to nod. I wanted to cry, that Mom was so mad at me. That I couldn't really help Carson....

But she ~shouldn't~ have gone, before!

"Do you remember, a long time ago, you asked me how you could know if you loved someone?"

I didn't understand what she meant.

"And I said you'd try to take care of them, and protect them, and do your very best for them? And you said, but all you'd been was sick for Carson?"

I didn't have to think more than a couple of seconds. She slid over and hugged me as hard as Carson and rocked a couple of times.

"I'm very, very proud of you...."

-

"You're not mad?"

I still had to ask again, even if I was almost sure. Even when she said, every time.

"Not the tiniest, smallest bit." Mom grinned at me a second and went back to massaging my ankle.

"You did a courageous thing, and took responsibility for Carson when she couldn't." Another look, without a grin.

"You stood up to me, even though you thought I'd be angry, and thought things out and went against the rules when it was important. You took care of her." Her eyes were shiny again, but she looked back at my foot.

When she looked up, her eyes were still shiny, and she had a smile.

"Carson is a lucky girl, to have you."

She finished with my ankle and wiggled my little toe.

"This is a really pretty color. Did you choose it?"

----

At nine Mom tried Ms Fairhaven and got her answering service, but she called back a half-hour later and said she had time next noon, but nothing today. Mom did a half-bad face at me and said we'd take it. Friday.

-

"I'm sorry, honey, but I really want you to see her before you go back to school." She sat back with me and bumped shoulders to make me sit up and give her room.

"Maybe we can still go to the football game tomorrow evening?"

----

A couple hours later, I'd got up the courage to talk with Mom. I decided to ask her about something else, sort of. And then try.

-

"Mom?"

"Mmm?" She looked over from vacuuming and then turned it off. "Yes?"

The feeling was like a pressure bandage around my chest. Or maybe I was just afraid.

"Do you think some things are true just because we think them?" As soon as I said it, I knew it was wrong. Said it wrong. It didn't make sense like that....

And I had to think again so I wouldn't have to say what.

-

"If I... ~thought~ something... and... and there was nothing real to know it from... like, evidence? Could it be true?"

"Something... like a fact in a book? A scientific fact?"

"No. I mean..." It was hard to find a word....

"Something like someone's name, that you just haven't been told... yet?"

"No, I mean like a ~really~ important thing... but it was like I just ~knew~?"

"Well... why would you think it was true and not just a made-up idea?"

"...."

I had to think.

-

"I mean a... something in real life... but something that's just in my head, and... not just an idea.... But like it ~felt~ true, like ~really~ true...?"

"Mmm.... So... something inside you?"

I nodded, too scared to talk. She seemed to almost know.

She thought a long while.

-

Carson said it was who she was, and she was the person who could know that best. And she ~knew~. But she knew forever. It was realer if it was always who she knew. It was her.

It was easier to think about, to almost feel what it was, when I thought about Carson.

-

"Is-"

"Can... ~knowing~ something... be a feeling?"

Mom said she'd think about it. She said that was a hard question.

----

I thought about it, too. Mom wasn't mad. She said ever.

I had to hold Strawberry tight to think about it at all.

I remembered that I'd be seeing Carol and had to think about what to tell her. Too. What to ask.

-

I held Strawberry and wished she could talk.

----

I sat down at the kitchen table, and right at noon called Brenda 'cause she always turns on her phone right at the lunch bell. And they'd both be in algebra....

Mom sat down and watched me.

"-ello?"

I bet it rang while her thumb was still on the power button.

"Hi, Brenda! Is Carson there?!"

"Wow! I can tell where I stand in ~your~ esteem...."

"Oh, Brenda! You're my kindred spirit! My dearest friend! My bosom buddy! You're near Carson with a phone!"

"Well... so long as I'm still number one.... Carson! Guess who!"

"Hi..."

"Hi, Carson!! How'd the morning go? Are you okay?"

"Hi, there. I'm okay. Sorry I have to be quiet, I'm in the hall.... Yeah, it was normal, even in the office when I checked in. Thanks."

She said thanks like I could feel her breath. I got warm and felt that shiver.

"You're welcome.... I love you."

"Me too." Hallway.

"I wish I was there with you. I miss you."

She didn't say anything. I could hear the noise.

"I have an appointment with Carol tomorrow at twelve and Mom doesn't want me to go to school before I do, so Monday, but she said we could maybe go to the game?"

"Tomorrow? That'd be great! We play at Rosedale." I could see her smile.

-

"I wish I was kissing you...."

Mom made a funny sound. When I looked she was looking at the window.

-

"You ~bad~ girl, you!" Brenda could hardly talk.

"What!? What happened to Carson!?

"Stan- standing right... here... trying to...." She started laughing harder.

"Please give her the phone again? Please?"

Mom sounded like she was sneezing.

"Carson? Are you there? I'm sorry! I didn't mean to embarrass you!"

It was quiet. Quieter than hallway noise, but I could tell she was there.

"I really wish I was kissing your neck...."

Mom scraped her chair and got up and rinsed her plate.

-

"You shouldn't be allowed to use phones! I swear, I'm gonna have to wash this thing!" Brenda was laughing and snorting. Even whispering.

"What happened to Carson?!"

"How should I know?! She ran off like you bit her! What did you say??"

"I said I was sorry!"

"Un hunh."

"That's all! I swear!"

"And after that?"

"Unh...." I felt warm. "I just said I wanted to kiss her...."

-

When the laughing stopped, she sounded like she was in a quiet place.

"Still there?"

"Yes! Is Carson there yet!?"

"Nope. My guess is she's in her car... about half-way home right about now." Brenda wouldn't stop giggling.

"Driving home? What?! Did she say why!? What happened!!?" A hundred bad things...

Brenda started howling.

"Brenda!!"

Mom sounded like she was laughing in the living room, but it was a funny laugh.

----

When I figured it out, I almost died.

----

I had to avoid Mom 'til she stopped giggling, too.

----

As soon as Valerie got home, Mom went out. She said she had to see Dad at work about something.

-

I'd had mine, but I sat at the table and watched while Val made a sandwich and heated soup for her lunch.

I wished I had Strawberry. I tried not to think about her, but I wished she was there.

But I had to.

-

"Val?" I was shaking. My hands, on the table. I put them down in my lap.

"Mm?"

I had to take a breath. She turned around to look at me.

"Did you ever..." I tried to look at her.

"Did you ever know something and then you felt different?"

I looked down because I was embarrassed, but it was hard. And I ~had~ to talk about it before Carol... and Val was the best. Maybe better than Mom or Dad.

And I ~knew~ what I meant.... I knew how to say it, too.

"I mean, like it made you feel different, after you knew? Something really, really important...."

I knew I wasn't being clear.

Val pushed her soup and sandwich over and sat down beside me, close.

"What kind of thing?" She said it quietly, like, okay.

Like, don't pretend. Like, say it.

My face hurt like my leg, it was so tight.

-

"Mizzz Fairhaven, she said... about Strawberry, about hers... her Strawberry when she was little..."

Val sat very still. I could look just for a second and see her.

"She said, sh-she said, she was taking... she was keeping her... safe...."

"Her little girl."

I felt myself turning cold. Or pale. I felt like my face was wet.

"She said she... she kept her ~self~ safe... a little GIRL!"

I think I wanted to yell, or scream. I wanted Val to hear for sure so she could tell me... but I couldn't look.

She was there.

I took a deep breath that was just a little gasp.

"I...."

"I think I'm the same! I feel this thing, so... so BIG and it almost ~hurts~ and it's so big and it's inside me and Jerri said feeling big things is HARD... and it IS and I'mm-m-m... I'm ~scared~!"

-

I looked.

Valerie was looking at me, and she was smiling. She slid her chair over even closer. An inch.

"Come here."

I couldn't move.

She leaned over and wrapped her arms around me, more holding than a hug.

"I never felt that way about her. About Strawberry."

She looked over at the doorway. Strawberry was on the couch in the living room where I left her. Like she could see.

"I never took care of my little girl with her. I never made sure she was safe. She was just a doll, a cute toy."

She rocked me a tiny inch. Then she kissed my hair, and breathed into it.

"I took care of you."

"I kept my little sister safe."

-

End of Part 18

(Revised and reposted)

----

"I never felt that way about her."

She looked over at the doorway, and Strawberry was on the couch in the living room where I left her. Like she could see her.

"I never took care of my little girl with her. I never made sure she was safe. She was just a doll, a cute toy."

She rocked me a tiny inch. Then she kissed my hair, and breathed into it.

"I took care of you."

"I kept my little sister safe."

----

I couldn't talk. I could nod and say I was okay, but I... didn't know.

Even though it was just afternoon, Valerie said I had to go to bed.

I didn't argue. I was so tired. She got Strawberry and helped me up the stairs.

-

She undressed me and pulled a nightie on me and covered me up. Then she sat on my bed and brushed the hair out of my face and just touched my chest, where it was tight.

"Do you need anything?"

I looked at her, and I hadn't been looking at her.

I shook my head. I didn't think so.

"Can we talk? Can I talk to you?"

She moved her hand and I suddenly needed to touch her and pulled my arm out to hold hers.

I felt okay with her hand in mine. I felt safe.

----

We talked about school... going back to school... what happened that morning, and what Mom said.

Val said I was a good friend, and it wasn't always the same as loving someone.

-

She told me about university. How it was so different for everyone... like, she was taking a half course load and living at home, and some students lived in rez and were taking three times her classes.

She thought she was missing a lot that went on there, but planned to take an extra year and all of them would be a course or two easier....

The biggest difference from high school, she thought, was that nobody made her work, or even go to class, and a lot of kids dropped out from getting too far behind.

Which she wasn't, she assured me. Me neither, I assured her.

-

"If I moved into residence, would you like my bedroom?"

"You're not going to, are you!?"

"Shush... I was just asking."

-

"Well, we could ask Mom to make some nice curtains, at least. But a prettier paint maybe? It'd only take a day or two."

"You watch too much reno TV. I bet it'll take more like a week...."

"Maybe...."

-

"You think, though? Just paint and curtains?"

"Well... and new sheets and stuff."

-

"What about something like this!?"

"That's a petticoat!"

"That doesn't matter!"

-

"You think?"

"Yeah! It'd look really nice and bright... and ruffles, too, but big ones!"

"That'd look pretty...."

----

After she finger-combed my hair about the third time, Valerie went and got her antique silver hairbrush that Aunt Lucy gave her one Christmas.

----

"I was three when you were born...."

She brushed and then smoothed, brushed and smoothed.

"Mom says you were easier than me to deliver, and she was only in the hospital two days."

Brush and smooth.

"She says I didn't even understand she was pregnant or really believe that I'd have a baby brother or sister. She says I never even believed her when I felt you move in her tummy."

She lifted the hair off my forehead and then brushed it straight back.

"I guess I couldn't believe you were really our baby, that you were going to live with us... when you came home.... I thought I had to behave, like you were a treat or present I never deserved."

Her hand stopped.

"She says I used to pray like on TV... that I was being good enough and you wouldn't be taken away."

She put her brush on the bed and hugged me hard around both arms.

-

"When you were hurt, when you were so sick, I thought... I prayed. If you could only get better and... come home... I'd be good, I'd give anything...."

-

"Carson and you..." She touched me. "I felt like I got you back."

"I was so afraid I was causing it... but I didn't want to say anything and make you go away, either...."

----

"I used to sing to you when you were a baby. Mom says I was just four."

"Hush, little baby, don't say a word,
Mama's going to buy you a mockingbird.

"If that mockingbird won't sing,
Mama's going to buy you a diamond ring.

"If that diamond ring's made of brass,
Mama's going to buy you a looking glass."

She sang, and I remembered. I knew the words. I didn't remember her singing to me, but I knew the words.

She had the same look Mom did sometimes. Like she was remembering me. Like I was all the times she ever saw me.

"If that looking glass gets broke,
Mama's going to buy you a billy goat."

She had tears, but she was happy.

-

"You're the first thing I remember, really, that isn't partly from Mom and Dad telling me, or pictures. Your crib and you... helping Mom and learning how to feed you, and she taught me lullabies and I remember you looking at me while I sang, when you slowly went to sleep, and I did it..."

She suddenly cried a great big sob.

"When you were little I could teach you, you things... I could help you and be your big ~sister~.... And... and you were gone so long being a, just a boy... and didn't need me!"

-

"I always told Mom and Dad you were my little sister. And you grew up into a boy, but I was happy because you were still a little girl a lot of the time...." She touched my cheek.

"You were my bestest friend...."

"Bestest..." I lifted my right hand... and... couldn't....

Val crooked her little finger and I remembered. I hooked my pinky and we shook. Bestest friends.

----

We talked and remembered, sometimes going different ways....

"Dad said you taught me to ride a bike on the grass... and I remember we... your dollhouse in the front yard, and a... a doll bed, a wooden cradle that was... bigger... and a game with a jeep and your Barbies... and a pink table..."

I lost the memory with a dozen others, parties.... I could see the little wooden table for tea and sitting in the yard... on the front steps and... I remembered Valerie making Barbie talk and moving me around to be in the right place to move mine for her story...

Val laughed and said Mom always said she was bossy and I always said she ~wasn't~ bossy, she was ~smart~!

My doll was bigger, with yellow hair and a yellow dress... Cindy.... And Mom bringing out crackers....

It was a laughing memory, and I had to smile. A perfect tea party.

"You used to play dolls with me all the time.... I remember you... and Diane and... Robin!" I felt something more, something harder to feel....

"One time, they were... we were on a merry-go-round and you were holding me so I wouldn't fly off and it was like the best day...."

I remembered singing along with a tape player with them on a jungle gym. It felt like the same day. The park... it was gone now, the play structures. There used to be a sand box there, too....

"Do you remember the basket and wagon? I used to put you in a wicker basket in a red wagon and tow you with my tricycle?"

I remembered her laughing... and.... Not the same time, but her laughing.

I had a picture of a basket, in her room. I remembered her crying and I didn't understand and it scared me to death, then, or I was scared and... there were grownups everywhere, and Mom was crying. Everyone was wearing black clothes.... It felt like a bad dream.

I told her.

"I think that's when Oma Gertie died. After the funeral they all came here."

"I remember... a basket, in your room, in the corner... by your dresser, with toys... I think my bear with the ribbon was in it.... And you were so sad. But I don't remember Oma."

I looked over where her dresser was, in my memory, in another room. Her room....

"You wouldn't stop crying and Mom said you were scared by all the people because you were little and I said I'd take care of you and I really just wanted to get away and hide, and we played... I can't remember. A game, but I kept crying and ~you~ hugged ~me~."

She started to cry again, I think just remembering, and I hugged her.

"Oma... she was really nice. She made us this berry... dessert... plotz... and she always said it... it was called that because I dropped it once on the floor and it went 'plotz!' and Mom and Dad said it was true...." She wiped a sniffle. "But it wasn't. It's a real name."

She had to get another hankie, and brought a whole new box.

"I just remember her in pictures, and just a minute here and there unless Mom or Dad talk about her...." She looked around.

"This is where she stayed whenever she was here, and you slept with me." She started to weep. It was the only word.

"It was the last... the... last times...."

"You never slept with me, after... she...."

----

"Was there... did she have a blue fridge?" I had a picture....

"Yes! It was just painted, just like her cupboards!" She smiled at me, almost.

"I remember her, I think, and a blue fridge, with pictures on it... and you were standing on a chair and she was holding you in her arms and showing you them and you were laughing."

"She put all our pictures on the fridge...."

"Was that Oma Gertie? That I remember? She was really old... and had red glasses...?"

Valerie nodded and started to sob again and we held each other.

I remembered... she touched my hair....

Oma smiled and used to touch my hair and say it was so pretty.

----

"Do you remember your Oshoshes?"

I looked at her, at how much she wanted me to.

"Purple-"

"Purple Oshoshes! Yes! I remember... they were..." I moved my hands as if I could still feel them, their buttons... a butterfly... someone else, too....

A smile that seemed to be from somewhere else....

"They were yours!"

A ~hundred~ days and laughing and running and riding, and Val and Robin and Diane and....

And a bike that was HUGE and I had to reach ~up~ to reach the handlebars and I barely was above the scary, dirty chain and Val holding the seat while I... fell... and Val jumped on me and wrestled... laughing!

"I ~REMEMBER~!! I remember you teaching me to RIDE!!" I started crying for having forgotten it.

"It was your bike! It had a...a basket and ~streamers~ and I wanted some when I got my own bike and you got a new one instead and you ~gave~ me yours!" Remembering that bike... all the speed, and going... the streamers flying back....

"And Billy Devine pulled them off... and threw them away. He took them...."

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, how I felt, and how silly it was. I remembered crying my eyes out to Daddy. And being too embarrassed to ask for new ones....

Val smiled. "Billy was a little pig."

"He was my best friend." I felt sad at that.

"No, he was just a boy who lived across the street. You were starting to be a boy sometimes then, and you thought you had to have a boy best friend, so you said that." She smiled and it was just memory.

"Catherine Oxby was your ~real~ best friend. You played all the time with her and she was your best-best friend for years and years."

Cathy.

Suddenly... all the memories had her. She was...

She had purple Oshkoshes too, that her mom got after we were friends, and brown eyes and... and... I remembered her house and mom and dad and her older brother Dev who was almost a grownup and they had a dog Cyrus who was old and didn't play but was friendly and had bad breath and was warm... and went away....

She had long black hair, and wore ribbons, and she taught me how to braid.... And her, here, in my bedroom, on the floor by my old bed and playing dolls.... And the woods where we always met. Our house...

"The woods...."

"At the end of her street! And all summer it was... those ~huge~ trees all around it and we could climb that one that... it had a branch as big around as a car.... do you remember?" Val looked at her memory. I remembered it too.

I remembered her and Diane standing on a branch like superheroes. I remembered adventure games and in the winter, the snow there....

We'd all played there. The woods. It was our world, our secret house under the trunk that leant over. It wasn't even as big as some yards, but it was our woods, and the park was next, over... under an old fence that was bent up like a tunnel... and we played in cardboard boxes, and had secret spots in the bushes, and picnics, and rode our bikes into the water in the spring and got soaked...

And one summer, they cut down the woods and built a real house....

Cathy. Catherine Anne Oxby. She was in my classes and we walked to school that was three streets away, past the park....

And her mom sewed tons of clothes, and even knit sweaters and scarves and hats, and we had fashion shows and shopping and walks and... I couldn't remember all the games, shopping and dates and, and... dolls.... I remembered Rebecca and Angela and Nancy, her three favorites. And Linda.... She gave me Linda....

And.... I remember we played dolls for years after all our friends gave up theirs. And dress-up and tea....

"Yeah...."

-

Cathy's family moved.

I felt my heart breaking again.

----

"What's going on?" Mom came around the doorway.

"Why are you in bed?!" She sounded scared and then funny, all at once.

"We're going to bed with our toys!"

Valerie laughed and kinda pointed, but the bed was covered with our old stuffed animals and dolls and toys. And a lot of books. And Val's old pink radio, playing an even older Madonna tape.

"Is it okay if we play up here today, please, ~please~? We're ~remembering~, and I know it's a mess but we promise we'll clean up after, please?"

"Mom, I remember Oma Gertie!"

"What..."

"I remember her! And her kitchen and blue fridge and you were there and it was Val's ~birthday~ party! and she got a video... and you had a pink skirt on and long hair!"

It came back to me as I spoke, like pictures... but more.

I remembered out loud... the smell at Oma's... it smelled like wood, and flowers... and she had a huge flower garden we could walk in and more kinds than I thought there could be.... And mice! There were mice in the garden! And running and screaming with Val, and Oma laughing and laughing and hugging us and she was skinny and bony and soft! And Mommy and Daddy and....

Mom cried. And laughed.

----

Mom said if we didn't quit jumping around we'd just have to go downstairs! It was only her and Val, though. I was being perfectly still, after I almost spilled on the photo albums.

Valerie said a tea party was one of her best memories, so Mom brought up a tray with real tea in a tea pot and proper cups and saucers and cookies and cut-up fruit. Half the toys were on the chairs, but enough dolls were left for a proper party. Strawberry sat with me.

-

Mom showed us pictures and told us stories about Oma and Opa's house when it was still a farm, and when she was little and visited the whole summer with her sister, Aunt Lucy... and Opa George was there, still alive....

He was always smiling, and had huge hands and one of his fingers was gone from an accident when he was a young man, and he wore plaid shirts in almost every picture. Mom remembered his voice, and how he could still remember German from ~his~ father who moved from Pennsylvania almost a hundred years ago and he said his father's grandfather told stories about coming on a sailing ship across the ocean. Mom said.

She closed her eyes at one picture, of her and Aunt Lucy sat in his lap in an armchair. She told us how he read the local little newspaper to them, and all the stories were about people he knew....

She showed us the pictures of everyone, and never cried, but sometimes she spoke slower and softer... sometimes about happy things, too.

One was Oma, Granny, Aunt Lucy and Mom all on the sofa at Oma's. They all looked sad. It was a different picture, not like the rest.

Mom said she couldn't remember why, but she looked at it a long time, and even took it out and looked at the back.

-

There was a picture of me in my... in Val's pants. She pointed it out. And Cathy, with the same, exactly same pants, and Val in a skirt. We all looked like sisters.

"Your old Oshoshes! Oh, you were so happy when they fit!" Mom was amazed I remembered them at all. She almost cried again, too.

"You were so little! I remember we had to roll up little cuffs! See?! Oh, you looked so darling and you were so happy to have your big sister's Oshoshes!" Everyone said it that way, like that was the right way.

She touched the picture. I was in the middle, holding Valerie's and Cathy's hands. We were all smiling so big....

Cathy and I were so little... but I remembered we were so big, as big as Val, sometimes.

I could see why Mom almost cried over so many pictures.

----

Mom turned the page to a big picture of a lot of men and boys.

"Oh, I remember this! This was taken at our family reunion in 1992... just after your Opa died...."

She turned the page. There was another picture of the same outdoor place, a house wall and a tree, and women. Oma Gertie, and Aunt Lucy and Granny... and an almost-a-baby, little-girl Valerie. And Mom was pregnant.

Mom turned the page back.

I recognized Grampa and my uncles and some of my cousins. Dad wasn't in it. I realized they were just Mom's side of the family. Oma and Opa's family.

"There are more men in every generation.... let's see, there were... it looks like eighteen men...."

She flipped back to the women, just seven, and pointed them out.

"Oma Gertie, your ~great~ grandmother, my grandmother... your Granny Susan, my mother... and that's your Great Aunt Fiona... my, she looks so young..."

She pointed them all out and told us how they were related and what they were like....

-

"This picture was all the women on Oma's side of the family, four generations."

"You snuck in there, somehow...." She tapped a finger on her pregnant belly in the picture and smiled at me.

Valerie hugged my arm against her chest and looked at me.

-

"Mom...."

Valerie kept hugging, and held my hand so tight it hurt. She smiled, and nodded.

Mom nodded. She still had the album open to that picture.

"Mom..." I closed my eyes. "What I asked about, this morning...?"

She nodded.

"Carol... ever since Carol said... something... I've had a, an... idea...."

It was harder, not just yelling it or something. I looked at Valerie. My bestest friend.

She smiled and nodded. I ducked. It was easier looking at Mom's hand.

"I feel like I was a little girl sometimes, so hard that it scares me, and other times I feel like a boy!"

I peeked at Mom, but she was... serious. I suddenly had no energy and was so tired I felt heavy.

"All the time, when I try to think, before?"

"I'm a girl...."

-

"But with Carson... I don't understand...."

-

End of Part 19

(Revised and reposted)

----

It was harder, not just yelling it or something. I looked at Valerie. My bestest friend.

She smiled and nodded. I ducked. It was easier looking at Mom's hand.

"I feel like I was a little girl sometimes, so hard that it scares me, and other times I feel like a boy!"

I peeked at Mom, but she was... serious. I suddenly had no energy and was so tired I felt heavy.

"All the time, when I try to think, before?"

"I'm a girl...."

-

"But with Carson... I don't understand...."

-

Valerie kept holding me the same and both of them said it was okay... but not really saying anything, either? I finally stopped almost crying just from the feeling. Or fainting.

Mom finally took a breath, like she was going to say something. I looked up.

"I'm guessing you don't mean you feel any different about Carson?" Mom was pretty quiet.

I shook my head and started, but Mom held her hand up and then touched my cheek.

"I didn't think so... but what do you mean you don't know about Carson, then?"

-

There weren't words... for... feeling like a boy or girl. There just wasn't a way I could think of to describe it, and then ask questions about it... like about Carson and how she could be so different than me if I felt that way, too, if we even did?

And I didn't feel like a girl, just then. It was so strong a feeling that I ~used~ to be a girl... but I felt like a boy!

Mom and Val both didn't understand, no matter how hard I tried.

-

"Do you want to wait until you can talk to Carol about this?" She smiled. "She seems to have a way of communicating with you that we haven't managed yet...."

I nodded, but it made me feel guilty that I couldn't explain to Mom... like I shouldn't, like it was bad to tell someone else first.

But Carol might understand enough.... She had a Strawberry, just like I did... different than Val, even. And she said exactly what I felt. My big feeling.

-

We looked at more pictures, but it was almost like I was too tired to see them the way I had, before. Or I couldn't get my mind off the circles it was going in.

My leg even hurt, the first time in days. Mom said at last that maybe I should have a nap before supper.

-

She smiled when she tucked me in and ran her fingers along the puffy sleeves of my nightie.

"This is so cute...."

"Aww, Mommmm!"

"You be quiet. And don't pretend you don't like it." She kissed my nose with her finger.

"~I~ picked it out!" Val said like a little girl. Mom laughed.

"Yes, dear, and you have cute taste."

----

Brenda came over right after school and Val sent her upstairs after she made sure I was awake.

She said Carson got back just ~fine~ for afternoon classes, and was avoiding her for some reason, which I could sure understand. And could still turn red about when she giggled.

And she said Carse said for her to tell me that she had to see her therapist and was gonna be late home, and she'd call. And she was okay, it was just about the morning and what we talked about.

So Carson ~was~ talking to her.

-

But first, she said, "OHMIGOSH that's so ~CUTE~!!"

She screamed it, actually, because I'd kinda forgotten what I was wearing.

We could hear Mom and Valerie laughing downstairs after Brenda yelled, and that started her off, too.

----

Once she'd told me the stuff about Carson, Brenda went back to her little-girl giggling.

When she ~finally~ stopped, we got on to our homework. Her homework. It was my... what do you call it when it's all you do? School work, I guess.

-

Our papers on To Kill a Mockingbird were finally due and we were both finished so we read each other's to see if there were any fatal goofs. They were pretty different.

Like, totally different.

-

Brenda wrote that the book was a way to look at all prejudice, not just racism, and Harper Lee used Scout to narrate it so it wouldn't be preachy, and it was loaded with metaphors and parallels about the way people thought and how we got along. Or didn't, more.

She said Lee used a small town instead of the whole country, and then a single trial and the few people around it, and then a little girl and her father, and one racist man, all shrinking the issue to smaller bites to make it understandable.

Her essay was especially about Scout watching Atticus shoot the rabid dog, and Bob Ewell's death, and all the similar things between them.

-

It was four pages long and sounded like it was written by a professor, and it was what her class notes said, too... and I could ~see~ what she was talking about... and what she wrote... but.

I'd read the book too, but it wasn't the same thing at all to me. And I knew I'd written my essay a bit differently, but it was what I thought. What it felt like. Like it was exactly what Harper Lee meant.

After she read it, after a long time when she just looked at it, Brenda read it again, out loud.

-

"Once upon a time there were two people who could not have been more different.

"Scout was really ~two~ people. She was ~almost~ an adult, because she could read and understand and talk like an adult, more than most real ones, but she was also a little girl.

"Boo was big and strong, but bad things had happened to him when he was little and he was so afraid and shy he could hardly talk. In fact, he ~almost~ wasn't a person at all. Instead, he had become a ghost, hiding in his own house.

"By lucky chance, Boo and Scout lived on the same street. Boo could see Scout playing outside, and Scout was fascinated by the mysterious haunted house and ghost. They became nearly-friends, exchanging small gifts - almost playing - but they didn't talk and couldn't meet. The ghost was too shy to come outside, and the little girl was too scared by the stories people told about Boo. She knew the stories weren't true because her father told her, but they were still scary.

"This went on for three years. They came closer and closer, but never touched.

"Of course, Boo and Scout were not the only people in that town. They had families, and Scout had a brother and other friends. Scout's father, Atticus, was probably her best friend. He was a brave, smart, good man, and she tried very hard to be like him.

"There were many other townspeople too, good and bad - and many, many who were both good ~and~ bad. Ordinary people.

"And there was a monster.

"It was a terrible monster, ugly and old, and it had hurt many, many people.

"It had been tried, but it seemed like the monster was impossible to kill, and had become part of everyday life, as bad as it was.

"Most townspeople tried to ignore the monster, saying it had always been there, and was just normal. Some made up stories to explain it away, to make it seem almost like a good thing. Those it hurt the most said nothing, since the monster hurt them more if they spoke.

"In the third year of the story of Boo and Scout, it happened that the monster grew to a huge size, fed by fear and hatred. It became so strong that it began killing again.

"Scout's father was one of the very few people in town who was brave enough to talk about the monster they all lived with. He spoke about it and the bad things it did, and made people look at it. Scout tried to help her father, too, where a little girl might be allowed to help.

"So the monster hated Atticus. And it hated Scout.

"On Halloween night the monster decided to kill Scout and her brother.

"Now, ghosts can leave their houses on Halloween, and Boo knew the monster was loose, so he followed his friend Scout, and he saw it attack.

"But ghosts aren't real, and can't fight a real monster.

"Boo did a ~very~ brave thing.

"Despite his life of fear and shyness, he became a ~real~ person, and he killed the monster.

"Boo was afraid, worse than ever before. Everything he had ever feared could happen now, now that he was a real person. He knew he'd be afraid, but he did it for Scout, who he'd known only from a distance. His only friend.

"Scout knew how afraid Boo was. For three years, she had thought about the differences between being a ghost and being a real person. More than anybody, she could understand how hard it would be for him to be different and out in the open. And, especially, alone.

"She took his hand. She became the first ~good~ part of his life as a real person.

"And so Boo, the ghost who became a real person, and Scout, the almost-a-grown-up who was really a little girl, who were as different as any people could ever be, touched each other and became real friends, at last.

"And they lived happily ever after.

"But they didn't.

"The rest of the book, all the ~other~ people, the trial, the killing and ~everything~, was about ordinary people in an ordinary town. A very real, ordinary town.

"It was about how people in that real town pretended to live in a story-book, with childish, simple choices - imaginary lives that ~real~ children, like Scout, didn't even believe in.

"All their stories were simple and easy to understand, or ignore.

"~To Kill a Mockingbird~ is about how it takes a great hero, or a terrible monster - a crisis - to make people see reality. And even after seeing reality, many will continue to pretend.

"It's also a story about finding the good inside people, their love and courage.

"Harper Lee tells a terrible, beautiful story in the form of a fairy tale about two magical people - in the real world.

"The End."

-

"Wuh."

-

I was so gonna get an F. Brenda thought so, too, even if she wouldn't say.

But she made me print another copy and said I ~had~ to show it to Carol. And Mom.

And if she could read it to the class tomorrow?

-

"Why'd you write it like it was a fairy tale? I mean, your essay?" Brenda was reading it again. Or looking at it.

"Do you think it's too dumb? I was, well, after I finished the book I was really... just all emotional, and Val said she was too, when she read it, and I thought about it, how I didn't know what was so scary or whatever, and I thought of the haunted house thing and Boo and then that there was even a monster, really, and like the attack in the dark and Halloween was a total horror movie, and then that it was more a kid's story, with scary parts...."

"But ~you~ wrote it like a fairy tale, I mean...." She lifted my essay an inch, in case.

I had to smile. "Well, she hid the fairy tale in a book for adults. I just decided to hide a grown-up review in a kid's story."

Brenda got a funny grin and I could see she got it.

"Like a real person hiding in a ghost and a little girl hiding in a grown-up...?"

I cracked a simile.

----

"Do you remember how we met?"

"What?" I looked up from the algebra problem I was trying to figure out. Brenda was looking at me and had put her text down on her knees.

"Do you remember meeting me the first time? The first time we met?" She looked like she really wanted to know.

"Umm..." I tried to. It was at school.... "In home room? In Mr. Zabriski's class?"

"Unh hunh. But do you remember how? What happened and everything?"

I really tried, but what I remembered was walking home with her. She'd been given the desk beside me in Mr. Zabriski's home room... and history... and Greg Harmon. Greg Harmon happened.

"You remember?"

Right as class was ending, when Mr. Z had just walked out, Greg Harmon shoved all my stuff off my desk as he walked by and hip-checked me almost out of my seat. Brenda helped me pick up and introduced herself, and then I did, and she said she'd transferred there because her parents wanted her in a school where she could go to our high school....

I nodded. I remembered.

I remembered Greg Harmon called me a fag, and Brenda heard, and she didn't care... she still made friends.

I remembered talking with her all the way past home to her house and then walking back almost an hour late. I remembered telling Valerie and Mom when I finally got home, and then waiting so I could tell Dad.

I remembered. Brenda was the only real friend I made in all of grade eight, and it was in April. And-

"You said I had nice hair."

"You do. You did then, too." She smiled. "I remember how you looked when I told you that. You got the most beautiful smile, and you'd been a real sourpuss all class."

"I was?" I hadn't remembered that.

Then I... the names and... how I never got picked for games or invited to things. Dummy. Stupid. Deadhead. Gloom.

Fag.

I remembered more... walking home with Brenda, the new girl....

"You laughed at my runners...."

"What?"

"You said my runners weren't as exciting as I thought..."

"Oh, yeah! 'Cause you were going on and on about how cool they were and how you felt like you could run a mile and weren't they ~cool~??!" She laughed at the memory, or at my new Nikes... again.

"You were such a dweeb!" She did a mini-spaz and laughed even more.

Or at me.

"Oh, come on! You ~were~!" She smiled. "But you were a nice dweeb."

I couldn't even pretend to be mad, thinking of how wonderful I'd felt that day. I actually remembered the feeling, like everything was better, like school would be fun from then on, like I had a... a best friend. It was a big feeling.

I hadn't remembered Cathy, I didn't think... I don't think I would've been happy.

-

"How come you asked that, if I remembered?"

Brenda looked like she had to remember a long time ago too.

"Y'know, I really don't know? I think maybe your essay reminded me of something and then something else and then... well, I thought of it?"

I had to smile. My bed was still half-covered with old toys and Mom's album was on the dresser. I wondered where Mom's film camera was now.

"Can you stay for supper?"

-

"Do you remember stuff from when you were really little?"

"What do you mean?"

"Like, when you were just in kindergarden, or really small like that? Like what you played and who your friends were and all that?"

"I dunno... no, I guess, just a few things, like here and there.... How come?"

-

"When you were really little, did you think you were a girl?"

What?" Brenda looked at me. "Oh... Well, yeah, I guess I did. I never thought about it, I think."

"Yeah. Me neither."

-

"What's the worst thing that ever happened to you?"

I had to look to see if she was kidding or something.

"No, I mean, the worst thing, in your whole life?" She wasn't.

"Me, it was when my sister was lost. We were in a park in the mountains and she wandered away or something when we were at a viewing place and it took about four or five hours to find her.... I had nightmares for years...."

She looked so incredibly sad, like... like a bad feeling inside, like sick. More than just emotion.

Lisa was in grade eight, now.

-

"I had a really good friend who moved away."

"She was my best friend."

-

"They hired some men and they packed up everything for them and we came home from school and there was this huge moving truck and almost everything was gone, I mean, the rooms all echoed and her mom was vacuuming and like, one day, I had a best friend for years and years, and after school, just a couple of hours... she was gone."

I could barely think of watching. Their car driving away.

At home, after, I remembered that Linda, that my doll Cathy gave me, that Linda was gone too.

-

"This is Cathy." I showed Brenda the last picture of her, the summer just before she left.

"She was my best friend since I was five." My eyes blurred.

Brenda looked at her a long time, and the others on the page, I guess.

"That's a pretty doll...."

"That's Linda." I started to cry.

----

"Portland... okay...."

"And last... Catherine, Anne, Oxby. Is that how she spelled it?"

I looked. "I dunno..."

"Okay, it doesn't matter. And... go." She hit enter. It only took a couple of seconds.

"It says there are seventeen Oxbys... and... do you know her father's first name?"

-

"Brent Oxby. 761 Harbison Street. Annnnnnnd... that's probably Cathy's house."

There was a blurry picture. It was white and had a tree and hedge and a For Sale/Sold sign....

-

I couldn't even write a first word. Dear.

But I maybe had her email. Her phone number.

----

"I wish you could..."

"I know, me too. But Mom and Dad want us to spend at least one night at home and tomorrow's the game...."

"I'll see you there." I couldn't keep the smile out, even if I missed her.

I wanted to talk with her about everything. I wanted to hold her.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

----

I was embarrassed that Dad saw me with all our toys. Like I had to be older.

After, after Brenda left and Val and I were in her bed so early, I thought that I should've been embarrassed more from being in my nightie all through supper... but I wasn't.

----

We added all my pillows to hers and I was propped up almost to sitting. Val played with my hair while she talked. It felt good.

-

"D'you..." She stopped, and even stopped braiding.

"Do you think your leg, and... not being able to play football? Do you think that might have something to do with all your feelings now?"

I asked, about falling in love? She said no.

"I mean about feeling like a girl." She hugged me tight. "I mean, football was ~the~ boy thing, the really ~guy~, masculine thing you did, and it's gone? And I-"

"I'm still a boy!" It felt important that I was, that she remember that.... And Dad said maybe I still could, even if I...

"I know, I know. I mean, but.... You were a football player, and it was like the... ultimate boy thing, and it was gone... and after, when you knew you really wouldn't be playing again, at least like you were, on a team... what if then you could..." She stopped hugging so tight.

"What if you could let yourself be a girl, more? Like when you were little?"

"I turned girly? Because of that?" It didn't seem... right. I looked at Strawberry, and my pretty matching nightie, and...

"No. You didn't turn girly."

Her voice stopped me.

"Please, listen, and I don't want to hurt you, please?"

She took a long time, breaths.

"All my classmates, when I was a senior... they all thought you were gay. They all asked me about you, the first few months." She hugged really hard again.

"You've always been a pretty feminine boy."

I knew that. Now. All the stuff Carol and Dr. Wilkinson asked. And the name-calling that I always thought was just idiots, before.... And Paul.

But I... I really thought I wasn't.

"And everyone remembered too, in grade school, how you used to play with the girls every recess, before."

"What?"

"You did! You were almost famous! You stopped, but were always with Cathy and her gang... well, they were your gang too... Crystal and Bev and Cathy and you? They were all over here every weekend, or you were at one of their places.... But you ~always~ played with Cathy and the other girls, not the boys."

Her saying their names brought back so many things.... Crystal went to St. Margaret's....

"Beverly..."

"Yeah. She's in Mrs. Victor's homeroom this year."

"How do you know that?!"

"She called me... well, she called about you, a couple days after your accident, and we've been sorta keeping up ever since. She was worried about you."

-

I had to think a long time.

"Brenda found where Cathy probably lives...."

----

"Do you remember grade six? Mom and Dad had to get you moved to another class because of bullying? After Cathy moved away that September and your teacher that year was Mr. Dewar? We always thought he was nice when I had him, but he let the bullies pick on you?"

"You stopped playing with the other girls that year, because of the teasing and bullies."

"That's when you started playing football so much, too."

-

"You wouldn't even hang out with girls at all again until you met Brenda...."

She sounded so sad, I turned. She was.

"You wouldn't even play with me...."

-

I was like a ghost locked in a haunted house.

----

I looked at Strawberry in the dark, at her petticoat with the ruffle all around, all wrinkly and pretty. I was really afraid, and hugged her close.

"Val?"

"Mm?"

"Am I a girl?" My voice was shaky. "Really?"

Valerie rolled over and pulled me tight and talked into my back.

"I don't know...." She took a breath and whispered.

"Can I tell you my deepest secret, about how I feel?"

"Yes?"

"I really, truly... don't care."

-

End of Part 20

(Revised and reposted)

----

I looked at Strawberry in the dark, at her pretty petticoat with the ruffle. I was really afraid, and hugged her close.

"Val?"

"Mm?"

"Am I a girl?" My voice was shaky. "Really?"

Valerie rolled over and pulled me tight and talked into my back.

"I don't know...." She took a breath and whispered.

"Can I tell you my deepest secret, about how I feel?"

"Yes?"

"I really, truly... don't care."

"You don't care?"

She held on to me hard. When she spoke, her voice was quavery.

"Promise you won't tell Mom and Dad?"

"Val..." My voice was a scratchy whisper.

"Please? I'm not saying forever, just... just for a few days, so I can tell..."

She was just quiet, not even breathing, but she stopped shivering. I was scared, trying to think what she'd ever not want to tell them.

She took a big breath.

"I'm not a virgin...."

I stayed still.

Valerie breathed for almost a minute, really deeply, but quiet and slow.

"I've slept with three people.... And one of them was a woman."

I started to say something to make her feel better or something, that that wasn't anything bad, and she kept on.

"Because of you, because I've met the people at the university gay club, and Carson..." She pulled me even closer. "Listen."

"It doesn't matter what you are. It really, truly doesn't matter, so long as you're happy. So many... most of the men and women in that club are... happy. They're dating, or have boyfriends or girlfriends, or not seeing anyone, but they're ~living~...."

She leaned her head into my neck.

"But some of them... there's this one woman, she just talks about hating high school, how oppressive it was and how she hated being gay and how it would've made her a freak, and the other gay kids who were out and so flaunting it.... She's a senior, and that's all she ever talks about. Stuff from years and years ago." Val sounded so sad.

"And one of the guys, a really cute, nice man... all the other guys avoid him like the plague because he won't even be seen with anyone who's out, and he's ~so~ unhappy, but he's paranoid of anyone finding out he's gay because he says his parents would disown him."

She shuffled up a bit so she could talk over my shoulder.

"There's about a dozen who come to every meeting, including me, and half of them are friends, like they hang out and go clubbing, and study together...."

"And the others... some of them... it's like they're on hold, like they're not growing, or something, or a part of them isn't. They're so screwed up by hating themselves and blaming everything on being gay, or they blame school or their parents or religion... but they just don't ~live~! And some of them have been really badly hurt! One guy's parents won't even talk to him, haven't seen him in over a year and won't let him go home!" She took a breath.

"But one of the really outgoing guys had that happen, too, when he was in high school, and had to live with his friends' families for almost six months before he could move back home at all, and he still says it's strained, but he's... he says his family is getting better. And like it wasn't really them that had the problem, and he understands they need time to learn and to get used to him and... having a gay man in the family, for a son and all...." She swallowed.

"And I know everyone's different, and has different... abilities to adapt, I guess, and the same with their families and friends, but I want you to be one of the happy people!" She sniffled.

-

After a long time, I moved my hand on hers.

"Val?" She didn't move at all.

"Are you okay?"

She nodded. After a minute, she rolled back and pulled me over so I was on my side and she could see me.

"I don't want you ~ever~ to be ashamed of who you are. No matter what any ignorant idiot ever says, I love you... boy or girl, okay?"

"Ashamed...?" I didn't understand what she meant. She took my hand in her free one.

"Like blaming yourself or listening to other people's prejudice or caring what... more about what someone else thinks you should be like than your heart says, okay?" She stared at me like it was light.

"You're not like everyone else, and some people think that's bad, and lots of... a lot of the problems gay kids have is believing they should be ashamed about being gay, that it's wrong, and they, they sinned or chose a lifestyle, or want something that they know will hurt their families?

"And that's all crap. You are who you are. We all are, and Mom and Dad and I think you're just fine and we'll ~never~ suddenly decide that you're doing anything just to hurt us, okay? And if you feel shame over something or other about who you are, well, it's from someone else, ~not~ us, or Carson or her family, or your real friends, okay? So don't."

-

"And if you still do anytime, then call me so I can tell you you're being stupid, okay?"

She kissed my cheek.

"Just say no to shame." She touched my cheek where she'd kissed and smiled.

"And blue eye shadow. It wouldn't be your color."

-

"Val?"

She moved a tiny bit. "Mmm?"

"How come you told me about who you slept with...that you had?"

She rolled over and settled so our foreheads touched.

"Because ~I~ felt ashamed that I'd slept with a girl... until I, until the guys in the club started educating me." She nodded against me.

"It's a bad feeling." She kissed my cheek again.

"Janice is the girl I slept with and she's a lesbian and I was dissing her to feel that way over a lovely night and one ~I~ wanted and it might not be my real preference, but she deserves better from me, and I did nothing to be ashamed about."

"Janice...?"

"Not her. Someone at the uni."

"Oh."

-

"Val?"

"Mm?"

"What was it like?"

"What was what like?" She sounded more awake, and like she was smiling.

"...." It felt too embarrassing to ask.

"What?" She was definitely smiling, from her voice.

"Unh... I mean... when you were..." I swallowed. "With... that girl...?"

"Oh, Janice? Well, why didn't you just ask!" Laughing, more like. "Well, little sister o' mine, it was lovely. And fine, and special."

I didn't say anything, hoping she'd just go on. She didn't.

"Was that all?" She spoiled it with a giggle.

I huffed.

"OH! You meant what the ~sex~ was like! Is that it?!"

I didn't say anything, and wished I never had.

"Well, I'll just have to assume it was.... Well...." She sighed.

"I don't know if I can describe it. She knew what would feel good for me, but I was pretty nervous and I think that spoiled some of it, but she's really giggly and ticklish and she made me laugh...." She went from kinda fast to drifting off.

"And I could see why two girls would enjoy each other all the time."

I had to think whether what I wanted to ask was polite. Or stupid.

-

I finally just ~had~ to ask. Even if I had to whisper, too.

"Is... it different... than... with a man?"

Valerie moved a funny way. Then she sat up and away. I thought I must've asked something rude, or wrong...

She put her hand on my neck, touching.

"How does that feel?" She kept talking. "It's different for me and you. Everyone feels everything differently, so my words for it can't really mean the same for you either."

She laid back down and pulled me into a hug.

"It was wonderful with a man, the second time, and it was wonderful with Janice, the one time we did it." She kissed my hair.

"And if you're both respectful, and you both will be... it'll be wonderful with Carson, even if it's completely different than I felt."

-

I was ~still~ thinking ten minutes later.

"Sis?"

I mmm-ed?

"When you're in love, if you sleep together a thousand times and just do what feels safe and good, every time'll still be special."

She whispered it so softly I could hardly hear.

"I promise."

----

"Sis!"

-

"Hey! Wake up, just for a minute..." Valerie shook me a bit harder.

Wa..."

When I could see, she was fully dressed and sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Are you awake yet?"

"Yeh..."

"What's the name of the third-smallest economy in Central America?"

"Wha? What?"

"Okay, you're awake. Now stay that way for just a minute." She smiled. I rubbed my cheek, which felt itchy for some reason. And blinked.

"Two things. Let me tell Mom and Dad about what we talked about last night, please? It isn't a secret, but I'd like to tell them myself, okay? Please?"

I nodded. I remembered.

"Alright. Number two. You awake?"

I nodded. "Number two. Second item..."

"Number two. What did you think of how Dad reacted to what you told Mom and me?" She smiled.

Dad had smiled and pulled my into a harder hug. And asked if I was okay.

"I.... That he loves me? Us?"

"He does. But I meant that he didn't ask anything, and I don't think Mom called him before, but he didn't say anything or have to ask what you meant?" She smiled like she just wanted me to ask.

"Okay... what do ~you~ think?"

She smiled. Right the first try.

"I think that Mom and Dad've been learning all about you and talking to gender experts for a long time."

"What!?" My heart went from sleepy to too fast in a second.

"I said... relax, it's not bad.... ~I~ think they've talked to people about you ever since you were little, like with Cathy and even me, how you were more feminine than most boys." She grinned.

"And now you're all little-girly ~again~..."

"I'm still a boy!"

"Coulda fooled me..." She flipped one of my pigtails.

"~You~ put those in!"

"And ~you~ wanted the ribbons!" She made a shocked face.

I started to feel hot.

"And we're lucky Mom still has all her old sewing stuff." She leaned over and kissed my cheek.

"And Mom and Dad love you... and you'd know, if you just think a second, that they asked anyone they did ~just~ so they could love you better. So don't panic."

She flipped my pigtail again as she stood up.

"You look like Wendy... maybe with some freckles?"

She ran out faster than I could even get my leg out of bed and laughed at me all the way downstairs.

----

It was almost nine o'clock before I made it down for breakfast. Mom was reading the paper at the table and smiled when I said 'morning.

"is Val still here?" I knew Dad would be gone but I couldn't remember Val's schedule this week.

"No, your big sister is off to a grueling ~three~ class workday." She did a quick grin, but I knew Mom and Dad both thought Val was doing great at school.

"How come they won't let us do that in high school!? Maybe we could just have classes in the mornings!"

Mom snorted. "And spend eight years? And then you'd still have college... and I suppose you'd want to take eight years there, too?"

"Yeah! And then I could retire!"

"Then why go to school at all?"

"Well... if you think so...." I smiled my best 'I win' grin and plomped into a chair. Mom snorted.

"Keep dreaming, honey... keep dreaming."

-

"Mom?"

"Mmm?"

I had to wait until she turned to look at me. It almost felt like I was saying I didn't trust them or something....

"What is it?" Mom sounded like I wasn't. Did.

"Mom.... Did you and Dad talk with doctors and stuff about me, before... before I was in the hospital?"

Before I could say about what, Mom wiped her hands and sat down.

"Yes, we did." She smiled like it was okay too, whatever it was about, or who. Then she didn't say what, or who.

I had to start over. After I figured it out again, I still had to look down.

"Was it about... me being... girly?"

She was quiet for so long that I knew it was, that

"No."

I looked up and she was smiling, sort of.

"It was about you being ~you~. We talked to several specialists about you because we wanted to be sure we didn't hurt you."

I didn't know what to ask. It didn't make any sense.

"Why-"

"Honey, what if none of us had understood what depression looked like, or what it might mean? Or anything else you needed to be healthy and happy?" She reached across the table and I did too and she held my hand.

"We talked to Dr. Wilkinson after you were first released because we were worried about you, and because we wanted to ask for advice. Before you saw him."

"Dr. Wilkinson?" I'd thought he was... that he was like an emergency doctor, at the hospital....

"Yes, he is, but he was also recommended to us by Dr. Lebel. He's an expert in how people see themselves, in body image."

I must've looked a bit confused. Or at least I was trying to think if that meant what I thought it might, like if that meant...

"He treats a lot of kids with anorexia, and has counseled a few transsexuals as well." Mom still sounded like she thought it was a normal thing.

"But I wasn't..." I didn't want to say it. But I had to. "I wasn't being that way, then?"

Mom smiled and squeezed.

"Dear..." She smiled more. "We didn't see him because you were sick, or acting any way, in any way different than you ever have. We started to look for advice because you... Dr. Wilkinson called it a life-changing injury."

I was trying to put things in order, what happened when, and Carson telling me, and when I saw Dr. Wilkinson the first time....

"But why did Dr. Lebel tell you to see... someone for eating, and... transsexuals... then?"

"Because you lost a lot of weight in the hospital, and because he thought Dr. Wilkinson would be a good match for you." She kept talking all normal, but sounded quieter.

"And because you've had problems before. He thought you might need help with both your weight ~and~ your gender."

I looked up at her, and I guess I looked scared.

"Do you remember about love?"

I nodded. It wasn't about doctors, though... or their thinking....

"Did you see doctors, before, too?"

"When you were eight years old your father and I went to see a specialist, about making sure you were safe and happy." She sounded... bad.

"She told us you might be mentally ill and she could treat you."

I know I went pale. She looked almost angry.

"We told her if she thought being happier than most little boys was a sickness, she was a quack." Her eyes were still mad, but she smiled.

"Then we interviewed almost a dozen counselors and professors and doctors before we found ~just two~ who knew what they were talking about. And they told us you might grow up to be gay, and you might be transgendered, and you might be both, or neither."

"Why..." I didn't want to ask. That Mom thought I was sick...

"Did we go to specialists? Because you were having trouble in school, and your friends were being bullied too, and your teachers were concerned."

I tried to remember being eight. Grade three? I couldn't remember anything bad happening, really....

"I wasn't bullied. I think?" Billy. Was my friend a bully?

Mom knew what I meant, I guess. "I know. You were happy, but a lot of the children called you names."

"But they always did...."

"And they were wrong." She wasn't happy.

"Little children say words without knowing what they even mean, but they still want them to hurt. Sticks and stones, but they try to make names hurt worse, and you cried at what they called you."

She put both her hands around mine.

-

I had the strongest memory. Valerie and Diane were watching a movie, and Cathy and me... and... Crystal and Bev were there and we were making noise or something, playing house and laughing....

And Valerie got mad and called us... pests... and I remembered how I cried. That for some reason, it really hurt.

And Daddy came and told them to behave...

We were just little.

He smiled at me and said was I being his little girl today?

-

End of Part 21

(Revised and reposted)

----

I had the strongest memory. Valerie and Diane were watching a movie and... Cathy... and Crystal and Bev were there and we were making noise or something, playing house....

Valerie got mad and called us... pests... and I remembered how I cried. That for some reason, it really hurt.

And Daddy came and told them to behave...

We were just little.

He smiled at me and said was I being his little girl today?

----

Breakfast was three pieces of toast, even if the last one took a long time. Mom... they thought I still had an eating disorder. I felt too skinny.

But it was hard to eat.

Even more when Mom was watching.

-

The internet had a thousand sites about anorexia. They said it was a ton of things.

Hating your body, being afraid of being fat, mental illness, hating growing up, hating being attractive, hating being a girl. Hating being alive.

None of them said it was hating being a boy.

It said it was an obsession, and something to control, and a fear, like paranoia. It said it was multiple personalities. It said it was the same as transsexualism, if they were both mental illness.

It said it was normal, too, just more of the same things all the models and ads and movie stars and stuff showed and everyone thought, about skinny is beautiful and fat is ugly.

It never explained why I just didn't have an appetite.

It said girls died of it... mostly girls. But they died of starvation, and heart attacks from starvation. And suicide. And the worse it got, the harder it was to get out of it, to get better, because starving made you crazy. Crazier.

-

And the internet didn't say anything about me. Anyone like me. About just being girly. Maybe about when I was little, but nothing about now.

It was all about people really, ~really~ wanting to be a girl. Or a boy.

-

The last thing I looked at was the picture of Cathy's house. It was a different kind of house from when we were little.

I finally had to turn it off.

----

We left for my appointment with Carol about eleven-thirty, after Mom got a grocery list together so she could shop while I was in.

I was pretty quiet, I guess, but two hours of reading about how you're mentally ill and a pervert will do that.

It was easier to be a little girl.

----

Carol made a huge fuss over Strawberry. She got the ~biggest~ smile and almost reached for her before she said hello, or hi and bye to Mom, and I felt like I almost shouldn't let her go.

But once we were sitting, Carol smiled and asked please if she could see her? I felt better and made sure she was careful.

She held her like she'd break, too.

"Oh! Oh, she's just like I remember! And... is this different? Oh, yes! These are beautiful! Did your mother make these? They're precious!" She ran her finger around her hat and looked at her apron and the little bow and smoothed out her skirt and... all of her.

Then she just smiled at her. I could see her remembering, just from her eyes.

And she didn't try to take any of her clothes off, which I was sort of worried about but didn't want to say.

And she gave her back.

"Thank you so much for bringing in your doll, she brings back a lot of good memories...."

I nodded. I didn't know what to do with her. I felt like an idiot holding her like I wanted, but I couldn't put her down like a book or something....

"I had a tassel purse I carried her in, so she could see."

When I looked up again, Carol was smiling.

"It's okay if you want to cuddle her."

----

"So... you're going back to school next week?"

"I was gonna go back today...."

I looked up when she didn't say anything, and realized that I'd been pretty rude. But she was just looking at me.

"Are you going to bring your doll?"

I looked down and held tighter. "Yeah. Mom said I could, if I kept her in my pack...."

"I think that's a very good idea."

"Hunh?" I really, ~really~ thought she was going to say it wasn't.

"Both taking her, and keeping her in your pack." She smiled. "Will she be okay in there, in the dark?"

Opposite day. I hadn't thought if she'd be okay... I looked down at her and tried to think.

"I... I'm not bringing all my books 'cause I can't carry them with my crutches, so she'll... there'll be room."

"And you can see she's okay when you get papers and things."

I hadn't thought of that either. It was a nice thought, seeing her in there, every class....

----

"I understand that the teachers at school will know about Carson by next week?"

"Yeah...." I didn't know how to feel about that. And the alliance and how she was so scared.

Carol made me tell.

Then I thought how she knew about all that, but she said Mom told her on the phone, and I remembered she must've.

-

"She wants to start living like the girl she is, doesn't she?"

I nodded. She did, and I knew she'd be happier, after, but I was so worried about all the bad things that could happen to her....

"And she wants to be able to be your girlfriend, in school, doesn't she?"

It was like there was a pain in my heart. I nodded.

"You're still very afraid for her, aren't you?"

My eyes started tearing up.

-

"If you can stand them calling you names, why do you think she won't be able to?"

"Because she never ~had~ to!"

-

"What?"

"I... if I'm like Carson, then how come she isn't like me?" I thought I'd said it right the first time, too....

"Wh... I don't think I understand your question.... What do you mean, like you?" Carol really did look confused.

It didn't make me feel very good at all that I had to explain. Safe. And I felt like I was tattling or something, too.... I fiddled with Strawberry's apron so I didn't have to look up.

"Well... if I'm... if...." I took a breath.

"If.... She's known she was a girl all along, like since she was little, but... how come she... she never had the guys at school calling her..." I had to close my eyes.

"Names."

Carol was quiet longer than I thought she would be. I hugged Strawberry.

"You weren't so afraid of names the last time we talked."

I moved her up to under my chin and felt her hair. I wanted to take her bonnet off and comb it. I didn't want to open my eyes....

"Has something happened?"

I shook my head, but I was remembering. A hundred names and crying... and worse names....

Trying not to.

-

"I haven't met Carson, you know."

I nodded. I still wanted her to say what she thought.

"Well... okay."

I looked up. She was serious.

"Not having met her, and going by what you and your parents have told me, you ~have~ had a lot more experience in just the last weeks with girl's clothes- "

She must've seen my face.

"You haven't?" She looked confused. I shook my head.

"Haven't you been wearing nighties for the last month? The last two months?"

Oh. I nodded. I hadn't thought of them, or that they were really girl-stuff.

"And your mother tells me you've been trying pony tails and braids?"

Oh.

"And nail polish?"

-

"It sounds like Carson decided a long time ago, when she was very young, that she should hide that she was a girl."

"Yeah. She said that...." I nodded. Carol nodded and smiled too.

"And you tell me that when you were young, you played mostly with girls and your best friends were other girls, and you played dolls and dress-up? Up to sixth grade?"

I nodded and hid with Strawberry. And felt cold. It still seemed like I shouldn't....

"Can I say what I think in geek-speak?"

I had to look up, and Carol was smiling.

"Okay?"

She smiled even more.

"Okay. ~I~ think you grew up in a girl-positive world and were unchallenged in your self-identification... but after your friend Cathy left, you found yourself with a fragile male social identity in a critical environment, and used negation of female identification and stereotypical masculine behavior to bolster yourself, but you haven't developed a strong male identity."

I blinked.

"And your friend Carson chose to grow up in a boy's social identity, and even though she was sure of herself as a female, she's confident and comfortable in her masculine presentation."

Carol grinned.

"And in ~normal~ words, I think Carson practiced acting like a boy and got very good at it... and you didn't practice, really, but you ~did~ learn all the girl lessons most young girls do, and got very good at them, too."

I think I blinked, again.

"And when Cathy moved away, you started to practice being a boy, but that was more than ten years later in life than most boys begin those lessons."

Carol blinked at me. I think because I did again, too.

"Does that answer your question?"

I guess I nodded, but she made me think of a bigger question that she'd kinda asked too....

-

"Do you think Carson is a stronger person because she hid being a girl?"

I had to think a long time. About name-calling, and bullies, and what she looked like....

A really long time. I shook my head.

"But I think she is... just 'cause she ~is~ strong."

What she was like.

"She'd be strong even if she started not being... a boy, pretending, when she was a baby."

-

"Do you think Carson is stronger because she can pretend to be a boy so well?"

It seemed like the same thing. But then I saw what she was asking, really.

"You mean like, are boys stronger than girls?"

"Well, not physically, but more as people...?"

I didn't have to think about that at all.

"Nope."

She looked like she wanted me to say more. Then I had to laugh at the thought I had.

"The more boys you put in a locker room, the dumber they get."

----

"Do you want the teachers at school to know about you, the same way they will about Carson?"

She looked at me like she didn't think either way was better.

Mom and Dad were at the meeting. And everyone said... from what Carson said, they knew we were... she said she loved me. To them.

Everyone at the meeting. Mr. Carruthers and Mr. Lopez. The secretary. Jason and all them. Everyone knew about me, too.

But Carol meant how I... what I felt like.

I started to shiver.

She meant being a girl.

-

I had to look at her to see.

"You said I was practicing, being a boy."

She got more serious and nodded. "You noticed that, did you?"

I nodded too. And she said I didn't practice being a girl. She said I just learned. Like any girl did.

-

"Do you understand that my opinion would just be a guess? Can you wait a few weeks, so I can be more confident?"

----

Carol told Mom I shouldn't make any decisions yet. And she wanted me to do some written tests that she gave Mom.

Homework.

----

It looked like rain when we left Carol's office and I hoped it wouldn't, because of the game, but it was really damp and cold.

-

"Mom?"

We were driving right home instead of eating at a restaurant because Mom said I needed to rest before the game.

"Did I use to pretend I was a girl?"

"You used to tell us you were a girl sometimes, and sometimes you said you were a boy."

She said it like it was the most normal thing in the world.

"Then, when you went to school, you said you were a boy there most of the time, but up to the end of grade three, you were still almost always a girl with your friends."

"Isn't that weird?" I felt my face get stiff. Way worse words went through my head.

Mom just drove for a few seconds.

"It was different."

I felt like I couldn't breathe.

"Honey...." Mom signaled and looked over at me, and pulled over. Then she leaned over the seat. I had a huge deja vu.

Like Carson did, one time. I really needed to see Carson. I wanted to see Paul.

"Honey, you were the happiest little boy in the neighborhood, and when you were a girl, you were the happiest then, too. You... your smile was so bright...." She touched my face.

"And you were never weird. You were different than a lot of little boys, but you were a happy, healthy child and we loved you, and we loved everything about you."

I tried to think. To remember being like that, more than the one memory of Dad... saying I was a girl....

Mom was so sad.

"I don't feel happy, now...." I started to cry, even though I tried so hard to keep it in.

----

Mom said therapy was hard. She said when she was depressed, talking with her doctor had been hard, too, and sometimes she'd cried like all the tears in the world weren't enough.

----

When we got home she sat with me, and after I felt better she got out the photo albums again.

There was one of Cathy and me out on our back porch in a hammock I remembered. We were about ten, I guess, and we had the exact same striped t-shirts and jeans shorts and were making goofy faces.

One showed Crystal and me on a circus ride, a ferris wheel, grinning and waving at the camera.

Bev and Cathy and Crystal and me, lined up and posing like movie stars in front of Val and Diane and... Kelly... and an older girl I didn't remember. Mom said she was Fiona. We all had on different-colored pink t-shirts and looked dirty... and I remembered it was after a softball game and it was about the summer of grade six.....

The last one, she flipped back to Val and me and Cathy, the one with Cathy and me in our purple Oshoshes. I looked at my face. I was smiling so hard that it looked silly.

"I remember taking this." Mom touched the picture. "Cathy was so excited to have pants just like yours and you were the proudest little girl in the world."

I had to look at her. She smiled and touched the picture again, a little caress. I looked.

I had long hair, maybe, for a boy.... I looked like a pale Cathy. A short Valerie.

"That was a girl day for you."

I looked like a little girl.

But I almost looked like a girl in the other ones too.

-

End of Part 22

(Revised and reposted)

----

The last one she went to was Val and me and Cathy, the one with Cathy and me in our purple Oshoshes. I looked at my face. I was smiling so hard that it looked silly.

"I remember taking this." Mom touched the picture. "Cathy was so excited to have pants just like yours and you were the proudest little girl in the world."

I had to look at her. She smiled and touched the picture again, a little caress. I looked.

I had long hair, maybe, for a boy.... I looked like a pale Cathy. A short Valerie.

"That was a girl day for you."

I looked like a little girl.

But I almost looked like a girl in the other ones too.

-

"Do you have any pictures from later? After Cathy left?"

Mom didn't say anything, but she got another album and opened it to our class pictures. Val's classes and mine, and single ones of Cathy and Bev and Crystal, and Diane and all our friends, too. Every year, there were a dozen pictures.

Up to grade five.

Grade six, I had short, ugly hair, and I looked... different. Not smiling, not for real. I was wearing a nerdy shirt.

I looked like a lot of my classmates, like the boys. And there weren't any little pictures of Bev or Crystal or anyone. Just the one class picture and the one of me, in two sizes. I looked again and Bev and Crystal were in the big picture, but away from me. We were always together, before, the four of us.

I remembered. Stuff. Hating my pictures. I didn't remember my hair that way, even seeing it.

It was from about a month after Cathy left. I remembered going to school for weeks feeling like it wasn't real, like it didn't feel like school should, without her.

Mom flipped through a few pages and photos of winter and Christmas and the whole year, I guess. I remembered I didn't get dressed up at all on Halloween, that year. I remembered....

-

Grade seven, I was in the class picture, but there wasn't any single picture of me. My hair had grown back a bit, but I looked mad. Mom stopped there.

"You refused to get a picture taken that fall."

I remembered. I didn't let anyone take my picture. I remembered... yelling at Dad.

I remembered a ton of things.

-

She just told me it was okay, and they understood. And rocked.

----

I wrote Cathy an email, to the address Brenda'd found.

I apologized for not returning her letters, and not finding out where she was and writing earlier, and told her a little bit about Brenda and Carson and Jerri, just they were my friends, and Valerie being in university.

I didn't want to think about why I never wrote her for years and years, or why I threw away her old emails and letters.

Or why I couldn't tell her all the stuff I wanted to, not in a letter I didn't know if she'd really get, for sure.

I didn't say that I needed to talk to her so bad I had to keep stopping and wiping my eyes so I could see. I didn't tell her I was in love and I needed to talk to her because I felt like I was splitting in half and she was like my other half and... I couldn't....

I didn't ask if she was happy. Or about Linda. I was too ashamed to tell her about Crystal or Bev. How we didn't talk.

Ashamed.

I asked her to please, ~please~ write back?

-

After I sent it, I hugged Strawberry and just sat. And hit Check Mail a hundred, hundred times.

----

I showed Val what I sent and she thought it was alright. Then she made me start getting ready to go to the game.

----

Even though Mom made us bring about a cubic yard of stuff, cushions and blankets and food, we got to Rosedale really early, almost the first ones there, and we took over about fifteen feet of seats on the bottom row so I could stretch out my leg. Mom even brought a camp stool for me to rest it on. Val asked if she brought a tent, too?

----

Right after I got settled and sat back, I got cold. Even wearing a sweater and my winter jacket and two pairs of Dad's pajama pants under the huge fake jeans I used to wear over the big cast, I was still cold. I wished I'd brought mittens and a hat.

Mom said it was probably because I was skinnier and couldn't move as much, and she shifted the blankets around so I was sitting up on them instead of the seat and it helped a bit.

The crowds arrived right before game time, like they did, and the Rosedale team started warmups. I could see their breaths and everything. Our team wasn't out yet even though Val said she saw the school busses over to the side.

Their cheerleading squad came out to warm up the crowd, and they made it fun to watch with skits and stuff, but even with Mom and Dad close on both sides of me I was too cold to enjoy it.

Finally, Mom wrapped Dad and me together under the blankets, with his jacket open and hugging me and I started to shiver less almost right away.

-

Dad said I was asleep about five seconds after I was warm.

----