---

 
The blade skritched across the thin skin of the wrist, pulling it slightly, catching on the ridges of scar tissue. She changed the blade’s direction again and again. The movements were trance like. Back and forth the blade moved, like the hypnotic sway of a snake gazing at its prey. Fine hairs caught in the movements cut and drifted down to the satin leg of her pajamas. She was lost in the movement of the blade.

The music wove around her in a tangle of drums and guitars, seeping through the room, and she immersed herself in the tide of music, the flow, rhythm, breathing deeply and evenly, eyes closed lightly watching something that serpentined inside. Something that flowed up her arms and out her hands.

The music danced her body in the chair. The blade wove through the air and again over the ridged skin of the wrist. The candlelight pooled wetly over the steel and the skin, incense curling towards the ceiling, eddies forming and breaking apart with the movement. The scent of sandalwood filled her brown hair, mingling with the flowery scent of her shampoo. Her heart relaxed from the daily tension in the embrace of steel and sound. Here there was peace.

The wa, the spirit of the room, shifted. Her spirit was disturbed as the door opened and breath rushed in to be held. Tension returned to the room - to her, crashing like waves against her soul. She turned her head slowly to the left, cracking open one brown eye and then the other to see what, or rather who, had disturbed her moment of solace with sound and steel.

Her brother stood in the doorway, broad shouldered and muscle ridden, eyes transfixed on the blade, which still rocked back and forth lazily across her wrist. The moment hung there heavy until the CD player chunked as it shifted to another song. She could see the tightness along his clenched jaw, reflecting candlelight across the stubble. His eyes were dancing with anger and worry. She raised an eyebrow in question.

Her brother glared at her, trying to loom menacingly, while he growled out, “What are you doing!?”

“Listening to music. Why didn’t you knock?” She asked, purposefully evading his question and redirecting it towards his disturbance of her privacy. The knife never wavered in its slow movements along her arm. His eyes followed it.

“John, are you going to slash your wrists open again?” This time his words were more measured and exact. There was something in his tone that she couldn’t quite catch, something hidden and cold.

Her eyebrows rose in question. The blade paused in its movement and hovered there along her wrist.

“The knife. What are you doing?” There was an edge of concern that tremored his voice. She noted that his face seemed a little paler, his eyes pinched with something more than concern. He seemed completely focused on the blade by her wrist.

She turned quickly in her seat, letting her hand with the blade drop down beside her leg in a natural extension of the movement. Some of the tension that filled the room bled out of him at that point. She could almost hear the sigh of relief he made. His eyes unclenched a little. She paused watching him watching the blade.

She wiped along her PJ bottoms, cleaning the blade out of habit. Without taking her eyes off her brother, she picked up the sheath from where she had placed it, near at hand. The blade slid easily home. She placed the sheathed blade on the small table by her chair. As she moved her hand away from it he relaxed even more. “Is that better?”

“Thank you. It still unnerves me to see you with one of those in your hands after last year. It just makes me nervous.” He remained in the doorway as the music played on, moving sinuously.

“Is there something I can help you with David?” She kept most of the annoyance from his interruption of her personal time out of her voice due to lots of practice. She had gotten lots of practice in the last year. It did her little good to argue with her brother. Most of the time she just wanted to be on her own, alone, with no one to bother her. Instead she was trapped, feeling smothered by the presence of her brother. At least she had escaped the scrutiny of her parents. Life had changed her.

“Mom’s on the phone.”

She sighed and stood, straightening her PJs from where they had shifted on her. David stepped aside and followed her out into the living room. She rolled her eyes at this but said nothing. Being treated as if she was going to kill herself at any moment was getting old. David didn’t trust her not to try again, and there was something else between them that she could not figure out. Sometimes it was like being on the locked ward again.

The cordless phone sat on the coffee table in front of the TV, next to a bottle of beer that David had obviously been drinking. There was another empty bottle next to it. As she picked the phone up David sat down and turned his attention back to his baseball game and his beer. She took the phone and walked over to the area that passed for their kitchen and dining room.

“Yes Mom, what is it?”

“John?” The voice wavered nervously. David had probably mentioned the whole knife thing to her more than once. She found the blade soothing for her nerves but it drove others up the wall. Her shrink wasn’t very happy with the practice but agreed that helping her relax was an important part of her therapy and her transition.

“Mom, I told you not to call me that. My name’s Deirdre now. Remember?” There were traces of annoyance in her voice. This was not the first time she had to chide her mom over the name thing. It was getting old having to constantly go over the same argument.

“Sorry, Deirdre. I’m still getting used to that. I’ll try to be better about that.” Her mother sounded sincere. Her mom may have had troubles with all of this but she was at least trying to cope with it all. “I was calling to see how you were doing and how you are feeling?”

“Not too bad, all things considered, Mom. It’s still about a week until classes start. I have gotten all of my books and supplies, so I am mostly ready. My schedule isn’t too rough, though. That should help a lot. I scheduled free time, like you suggested.” Deirdre sighed a little. Her mom had been calling her about two or three times a day since she and David had reached the apartment they were forced to share. It had been bad right after they had arrived. Hopefully the phone calls would drop to once a day and then maybe once a week. There was such a thing as too much parental advice and concern.

Their apartment was not that much, a two bedroom with the kitchen and living room open to each other. Thankfully there was no shared bathroom. Deirdre was not sure if her brother could have handled sharing a bathroom with her. He barely seemed pleased to even be sharing an apartment, but their parents had insisted on it. She definitely would have preferred to be alone. David seemed to want that as well, but the events of last year seemed to keep that from happening. Maybe a year from now their parents would allow that.

“I meant otherwise. You’ve already told me about school.”

“Uh...not too bad. I haven’t been too depressed lately. My medication is fine. Dr. Hendricks said that my blood levels were good and everything is going normally. If things keep going well, they are thinking of lowering my levels of anti-depressants.” She hoped her mom would be satisfied with that. She got tired of having to explain her emotional state all the time. This high level of scrutiny kept her from just relaxing and live.

“That’s good to hear. We don’t want a repeat of last year. If things get bad call me or your doctor. We want to make sure you’re alright. Have you made any new friends?”

“Not yet Mom. When school starts I should be fine. I’ll actually be able to meet more people.” She sighed again; she didn’t want to go through this conversation again. “Look can I get going? I was going to make some dinner for the two of us and call it an early night. I’m tired.”

Deirdre watched as David picked up his keys and shook his head, mouthing no emphatically. She looked questioningly at him as he stalked toward the door. He scowled and headed out. Thankfully the door closed quietly.

“Well, alright then. You take care of yourself Sweetie. Stay safe. I love you.”

“Bye mom. I love you too.” She heard the phone click off. She sighed for a third time. Thankfully David was gone and she would not have to put up with his shit, his petty treatment of her for the rest of the evening. Once he left he was usually gone for several hours.

David still refused to call her by her name, despite the fact that it had been legally hers for the last five months. He never wanted to talk about what she was going through. If it had not been for her parent’s insistence she doubted if David would have ever talked to or have seen her again. Living with him didn’t help making her feel any better; in fact it made her uncomfortable. When he looked at her, his gaze always seemed to carry disgust and anger. It made her skin crawl. There was something about David that made her a little twitchy. He seemed to be somehow offended by her choice, as if suffering and dying were preferred to living and being happy. He clearly didn’t want her to be a girl.

Deirdre didn’t regret the decision to go through gender transition. Things had gotten better after she has started along this path. It had been difficult and often painful but she felt something besides bone deep sorrow for a change. The Hormone Replacement Therapy had really changed things dramatically and that had surprised her. And it wasn’t just the physical changes she was going through either. Her thoughts had gotten clearer which had helped her state of mind, and her grades. School had gotten easier and her mom was proud of her grades.

Hopefully, life would be good now that she had gotten her name changed, fixed all of her records and transferred to a new Junior College. She felt as if she had made a new start, had been reborn in some deeply fundamental way. The same old fears had followed her but many other things no longer haunted her. She wasn’t sure why she was so surprised that while one part of her life changed the others didn’t. She was still getting used to the fact that changing gender or more to the point discovering her actual gender didn’t solve all of her problems.

Deirdre brushed back a lock of her brown hair from her eyes, tucking it back behind her ear. She was hungry and if David was gone she wouldn’t have to cook for two. And she wouldn’t have to listen to comments about the weirdness of her food. A bickering free evening would be a nice change.

She got out a pot, filed it halfway with water and started it boiling on the stove. She pulled out some ramen noodles, an egg, and a slice of American cheese from the refrigerator. Once the noodles were done she mixed in the seasonings and tossed in the egg and cheese. It smelled really good. It may have looked horrid but it tasted nice. Chris had taught her this little cooking trick back in high school. It was tasty but looked like a swamp.

She hadn’t thought about Chris for a while, not since their fight after this all came out, the first in a series of friendship losses. Deirdre was not sure why there seemed to have been such a sense of betrayal from so many people. Chris had acted as if he...as if she had betrayed everything that was holy and sacred between them when she had started on this path. No one seemed to remember that the path was the other option. The first had been release.

She looked at the thin white scars across her wrists. The pain that had led up to that night had faded as had the despair and soul crushing sadness. She couldn’t look or be like she wanted and the dissonance in her life couldn’t be resolved. Just another regret. She had been drowning in regrets with no one to confide in. That sorrow had drawn the bath and slit her wrists. She had been left with picking up the pieces.

She shook her head to clear her thoughts. The last thing she needed was to drive herself into another depressive cycle. She sighed and started cleaning up after herself. Not much to it and it meant David had one less thing to bitch about. David couldn’t call her a slob any more, of that she was glad. Deirdre had not taken care of herself when she had been John, she had utterly ignored her body. She had dressed poorly and had cultivated bad hygiene. Now she was getting the body she wanted. And she meant to take better care of herself from now on. She was happy and wanted to be healthy.

She looked around the apartment, though there really wasn’t much to it. Two bedrooms, bathrooms, a living room, dining room and kitchen. It felt large and spacious whenever David was not home, but close and tight when he was. David usually sprawled out on the couch, taking ownership of the television and of the living room. Since the couch was the only chair in the living room she couldn’t be in there unless she dragged in one of the chairs from the dining room. Yet since he also dominated the remote, the TV was always on what he wanted to watch. She hadn’t liked sports so that left her in her room, reading or on the computer. She didn’t see any way to reach a compromise with him. When she tried David would scowl and turn up the volume on the TV.

She paced through the rooms, dodging furniture. She wanted to do something, get out of this little hamster cage, but she knew no one and barely knew the area. Her thoughts drifted over registration a couple of days ago and all the clubs hawking their existence. She had gotten info from two of them: the gaming club and the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Support group. She hoped that she would be able to make some friends in both groups. The GLBT flyer had a couple of contact numbers listed. Maybe she could call and talk to someone. That should help. After all she had no friends since her transition. Maybe some of the GLBT folks would accept her without calling her a freak. It would be a nice change of pace.

The pile of school stuff in her room had yet to be sorted. She moved books aside and looked into various notebooks until she found the pink flyer. The two contacts were listed on the flyer as Jack and Jill. She smiled, remembering the joke Jack had made about that. Jack had seemed to be really nice, really approachable. She took the cordless phone into her room and dialed Jack’s number.

After a few rings the answering machine picked up. “Hello, this is Mark and Jack’s apartment. Neither of them are here right now. If you would please leave your name and number, they’ll try to get back to you...maybe.”

Beep. “Uh...Jack, this is Deirdre. We met at the booth the other day. I was just trying to find someone to talk to as I’m bored at the moment and I don’t know anybody. I guess I’ll talk to you later.”

She hung up the phone. She was starting to feel a little more down. It was lonely and none of the neighbors seemed to be disposed to talk to the shy little T-girl. She hoped none of them knew she was a T-girl. And to be honest, she had little interest in talking to them.

She dialed the other number on the flyer. Hopefully Jill would be there. She hadn’t been as approachable but she had been friendly. After two rings someone picked up. A pleasant female voice answered, “Hello, it’s your dime.”

“Uh...hello. Is Jill home?”

“Sorry, you just missed her. Her girlfriend came by, handcuffed her and dragged her away. Do you want to leave a message for her? I’ll put it on her door. I’m just not sure when she’ll get it. Odds are that she’ll be gone for the weekend.”

“Uhm...tell her Deirdre called and just wanted to talk, that’s all.” She sighed, not really looking forward to another night trapped in the apartment, alone. She had read all of her books and really didn’t want to start rereading them again. Six times through her books was enough for her to want a break from them.

“Right...Deirdre. Oh...Hey, are you the T-Girl who just signed up for classes? Who just transferred here?”

Deirdre’s breath caught nervously. What now? “Yes...that’s me.”

“Cool...I’m Megan. So are you like on Hormones and stuff?” The voice seemed to bounce with excitement and interest. Deirdre was a little taken aback. This was not a response she was used to.

“...yes. I’ve been on them for about nine months so far.”

“Wow. That’s pretty wild. So, with Jill gone will I do for talking?” Her voice was really upbeat and infectious. Deirdre smiled in spite of her confusion. Megan seemed friendly.

“Sure. I’m just really lonely since I don’t know anyone here yet.”

“Great! Do you want to meet somewhere? We could get a bite to eat or maybe some coffee. Just coffee, not Coffee.”

“Alright. Where do you want to meet?” Deirdre’s mood lightened a bit. It would be nice to meet someone. Megan seemed friendly, if not a little odd and this could be her first step towards making some friends who actually accepted her as her. Having a friend, or even a simple acquaintance would make this whole thing easier to deal with. After all, her shrink said making friends was an important part of the whole transition process. Normalized social interactions or some thing like that.

“So where do you live? We could go some place close to you, since I am not sure how well you know the area.”

“I don’t really know this place at all. I have no car so I am limited to my options. I’m at the Marwood Apartments, across the street from the campus.”

“Okay...I know where that is. Hey, there is that really cool 50’s style diner just down the street from where you live. I think it is like a block or something away from that complex. Will that do? I’ll meet you there in about ten minutes. If you get there first grab a table and I’ll find you. If not, I’ll find you anyway. Wait...what color is your hair?”

“Brown.”

“Long or short?”

“Uh…long. Why do you ask?” Deirdre liked how infectious Megan seemed to be. This could be fun. She already seemed like the kind of person that would be exciting to hang around with.

“Great! See you there!” The line went dead.
 

*          *          *
 
End of Part 1
 
 
To Be Continued...

---

 
John was nervous. His heart was racing, his breath was tight and his palms were sweaty. He was not looking forward to what tonight could bring. The bandages were gone, but the scars were still plain as fire across his wrists. John needed to be open with his friends, his coven, to be able to share all of who he was. He had lied to so many people for so long that he had to try, if at least this once. If he could manage to be honest with the Coven then he might be able to be truly honest with himself. He wanted to see himself clearly and to heal. Whatever that entailed. Hopefully the Goddess would protect him tonight. Hopefully she would shield him from the fear that had shaped his life for so long.

His mom had let him take the car. He was happy for that, as he wanted to be able to leave if this turned out badly. To be stuck with someone who was screaming at him for a ride was not a good option. So he had been able to drive across town to where the Coven met. He wanted both to see them again and to run away. It reminded him of that Tarot card position. He smirked a little.

His therapist had suggested allowing him to continue his life, as he was actually working on addressing the things that had caused his to slash his wrists in the first place. John was still a little shaky but the therapist was definitely good at making him deal with himself and keep him from hiding.

The Coven met at the High Priestesses house, just outside of the city limits. It was an old barn that she had converted into a house over the course of a few years. There was a great deal of room inside and it felt warm and comfortable thanks to the paint and decor. He found a place to park on her grass amongst the other cars and a few motorcycles. He looked around and shut off the car. A couple of deep breaths helped to slow his racing heart. He got out of the car slowly and made his way purposefully across the yard to the house. He knocked lightly on the door, hoping that no one would hear. That would allow him to run.

Susan, the High Priestess, opened the door promptly. She took one look at John and pulled him into her arms. He was almost crushed by her large breasts and her strong arms. The hug caught him by surprise, despite the fact that this was how she greeted everyone. This time she did it just a little bit more vigorously. “John, thank the Gods, you’re alright. We were so worried about you when we heard what had happened. Why didn’t you call?”

He heard other voices responding to the sound of his name with excitement and nervousness. Perhaps some of them felt like he did. He spoke up. “I’m fine Susan. I’m doing a lot better now. The two weeks in the hospital helped me a lot. My therapist is really good and I am on some anti-depressants. They seem to be helping.”

“Sweetie, why didn’t you call? We would have done what we could to have helped you. After all, we’re your coven. We’re here for you, for each other.” Her voice dropped to a more maternal concern. She was like the loving mother no one ever had. She really did try to take care of everyone who fell under her influence.

“I know, I know. I’m sorry, but at the time I just felt really alone and hopeless. I felt nothing but pain and regrets. Calling anyone would have taken effort, and effort was something I didn’t really have. I felt like no one would understand my pain.” He hung his head a little at this. He didn’t want to meet her eyes. He was actually ashamed for weakening as much as he had. David was right a bit when he said that killing himself was a copout, a cheap escape, and a sign of deep weakness. It wasn’t something that a man did.

“Come on in. John, part of being a High Priestess is being able to deal with difficult things. I have helped counsel other people past suicide before. It wouldn’t have been the first time I would have been called to do that. It’s part of my job.” Her smile was reflected by him. He began to feel better. Maybe tonight wouldn’t be so hard after all. Maybe they might just understand. He really could use their support. “Tonight we are doing a sharing circle. I will start it and we will share some pain and some joy. We will then turn our energy to weakening our pain and strengthening our joy. I hope this will help. I had you in mind when I put this together.”

She didn’t wait for an answer as she was quickly displaced by several other members of the coven, who hugged him and a few even kissed him. They really made him feel welcomed as he blushed a little. They treated him as family. The feeling made him feel bad about not trusting anyone with what had been bothering him, been driving him crazy. But the secret had been too big for him to deal with at that point. It was still too big and almost invisible to him. He was dealing with it now, though. He could finally see the barest outlines of it. It was funny that he had never really known what had been driving him towards death.

“John, are you alright?” This was from Estelle, who had introduced him to the people of the coven two years ago, when they were in high school. The two of them had even gone out for a little while, but it hadn’t really worked out for either of them. Something had gotten in the way between the two of them. John thought that maybe the secret had destroyed his relationship with her. It was possible after all. They had managed to remain good friends despite all of that. Her concern now was proof of that.

“Mostly. I’m still a little shaky and they said it would take a while to get my blood volume back to normal. I lost a lot of blood before my mom found me. I’m a bit anemic right now, but I am getting better.” He barely remembered the screams, or even the paramedics pulling him from the water. Things had been really faint and fuzzy at that point. But he did recall the ER and being escorted upstairs to the psych ward after they had bandaged and refilled him. He doubted he would forget either of those events. To blink back into life, looking up at a doctor and a nurse was very odd. He had been both sad and relieved. And the inhabitants of the locked floor, were...an experience. That was perhaps the nicest way to put it. Some of them had made him feel painfully normal.

“Why didn’t you call and talk to me?” she accused, her fists balled tight on her hips, her gaze stern. “You know I would have been there for you, regardless of whatever the reason.”

John felt his face go red with embarrassment. He had been doing that a lot more recently. He wasn’t sure if he liked it or not. “Yeah. I know. It’s just that I felt so overwhelmed and hopeless. I didn’t think anyone else would understand what I was going through. I hurt so bad that death seemed like a good way to get rid of the pain. I should have called.”

She hugged him again, tightly. He could feel her breasts press against him. She kissed him briefly on the cheek. “I’m sorry myself. I wish I had been there for you so you would have trusted me. I had been so busy with my own life that I had not noticed what you were going through. I wish I had been more of a friend.”

John half-smiled at her. He might have trusted her with this, but he was still worried that people wouldn’t understand what he had been repressing. He still had to work to face it himself. It wasn’t easy and it hurt to think of. Hopefully he could find some assistance and comfort from the coven. They all had been there for him before. They had been there for others. He remembered that Liz had been helped a lot during her pregnancy. Maybe they would be there for this.

Susan came back into the living room a short while later. She had pulled on her black ritual robe and let down her hair, streaks of gray framed her face. She clapped to get everyone’s attention. They all turned and looked at her. “Everybody, I’m ready for tonight’s ritual. Once everybody is in the ritual room and seated we can get going. We’ll start soon.”

The whole group walked slowly into the family room which also doubled as the coven’s ritual room and got themselves seated on various pillows and chairs that were scattered about. John chose the pillow that he usually sat on. It was a green pillow that had a heavy canvas cover. He liked it and it was comfortable. Some of the pillows were really thin and uncomfortable. Plus, it was near Estelle.

The brick wall by the fireplace had the altar set up in front of it. There was a black cloth covering an end table or maybe even a coffee table, some small low table that John had never seen. It had been embroidered with silver thread in a number of magical symbols along the outer edges. He had never been sure which it was, end table or coffee table. It didn’t matter, but he was still curious. There were also several candles on there of varying colors. Susan busied herself with lighting the candles on the altar and the sticks of incense. The candles in the wall sconces were already lit.

A rich woody scent filled the room. The smoke braided its way up to get blown about by the air coming from the vents. The stream of brown smoke tore apart at that point, from still steady stream into an ever widening haze. Susan stood there, before the alter, with her eyes closed, facing the eastern wall, which had a poster of a solstice sunrise through the stones of Stonehenge on it. Susan held her black handled athame comfortably in her right hand. She raised the tip of the blade until the tip of the athame rested against her forehead, between her bushy eyebrows. John could hear the slow release of her breath and she moved the blade forward.

“Spirit of the East, spirit of fire, spirit of the rising sun hear me. I call you forth to stand and witness this my magical art.” The blade traced out the lines of a pentacle as she spoke, starting from her left hip and ending with a circle enclosing the symbol. She placed the blade into the center of the pentacle and turned to the right, to face the south. John could picture the lines of blue fire that he used when calling his own circles. The athame returned to that spot between the brows.

“Spirit of the South, spirit of earth, spirit of growth hear me. I call you forth to stand and witness this my magical art.”

“Spirit of the West, spirit of water, spirit of the setting sun hear me. I call you forth to stand and witness this my magical art.”

“Spirit of the North, spirit of air, spirit of intellect hear me. I call you forth to stand and witness this my magical art.”

Susan then turned her gently lined face to the ceiling, her arms outstretched. “Great Lord, youth, father, sage, hear me. I call you forth to stand and witness this my magical art.”

The athame moved to turn the circle to a sphere with another traced pentacle at the top. She then turned to face the floor. “Great Lady, maiden, mother, crone hear me. I call you forth to stand and witness this my magical art.”

With the tracing done she clutched the blade to her chest, point rising between her full breasts. “Spirit within hear me. I call you forth to stand and witness this my magical art. All other helpful spirits welcome to this circle. In beauty it is begun, in beauty it is cast, in beauty it is finished, in beauty it is done.”

Susan placed the athame back onto the altar. There was a moment of silence where John could feel her tension begin to fade. He was now between worlds. He was safe. A quiet descended on him, like the peace of a church between services, a house filled with loving presence.

Susan’s voice rose again. “Lord, Lady I call upon you from the center of my coven. Thank you for all the blessings you have given us and thank you for all of our lives. Please let your blessings descend upon each of us here.”

Susan sat next to the altar. She stretched out her hands to either side and the group joined hands. “Welcome everyone to this celebration of the full moon, this esbat. We are especially blessed for the return of John who has returned to us from the arms of death on the new moon. Due to this, and partly to help us deal and share the pain that John has gone through we are going to have a night of sharing. Each of us will share some pain with the group. It can be simple or deep, it doesn’t matter. Shared pain is lessened. After that we will all speak of something that gives us joy. Whatever you want to talk about, if it makes you happy and joyful mention it. Then we will all send our energy to the Lord and Lady to thank them and cherish their unconditional love they have for all of us. Sounds easy enough? Any questions?”

The silence was heavy, as if everything was trying to think of what they were going to share. Susan gave the last little bit of directions, while handing over the talking stick. “Okay. Mary, you start.”

The middle aged woman with short brown hair started. “My Pain is that I have been battling alcoholism. I began drinking when I was eleven. At first I did it cause it was cool and made me feel adult. I mean, there were all these movies where the cool people drank. I wanted to be cool, so I drank. It eventually got to the point where I couldn’t function without a drink or two everyday. That turned to three and four, and so on. I lost my husband due to drinking and it began to destroy what I had made of my life. Four years ago, I started AA and it has helped. I have finally made it to one year of sobriety. I know this is something that is going to haunt me till I die and I can never let my guard down.

“My Joy is actually this coven. I know, it’s cheesy, but it’s true. When I started coming here the rituals, teaching and friendships made fighting of the urge to drink easier. This coven makes me happy and I’ll probably be here as long as it is.”

The older man to her left spoke up. “My Pain is the death of my wife. She died six years ago and it still hurts. I see her face everywhere I turn. Everything reminds me of her. We were together for thirty-three years when cancer took her. Chemo didn’t work and she just wasted away before me.” His eyes misted and a few tears rolled down his face.

“My Joy is my Granddaughter. Thankfully my wife was able to see her after she was born. She is the apple of my eye. She has made a difference to me.”

“My Pain is my shoulder,” spoke up the young man next in the circle. “I injured it in college, playing basketball with some of my friends. After two surgeries, it still hasn’t really healed right. It hurts all the time and I have to get shots every three months to make the pain bearable. And my joy is that my fiancée and I can still have sex.”

A bunch of people laughed at that.

Susan took the stick and passed it on. “My pain is that I had Cancer. Due to the fact that I had breast Cancer I lost my right breast. I use a breast form to keep me balanced. My joy is this coven. You have all helped me with my faith and my grief.”

Estelle took the stick. “My pain is the fact that when I was six my father tried to have sex with me.”

The quiet in the room took on a deeper tone, as the pain and fear in her voice filled the circle. “He came in to the room to tell me a bedtime story and started to rub my back. He began lingering on my butt. I felt weird but not sure what to do. He began to inch up my PJ’s and keep going. I just laid there, my heart pounding. My mom walked in when he started pulling down my underwear. He left that night and I never saw him again.”

She was silent a moment before her voice began again, “My Joy is in painting. There is such a great outlet from mixing paint and making the paint do what you want. It is so liberating to be able to do that. I started with watercolors and am now moving on to oils. It’s my absolute Joy.”

She handed John the stick and the tension in the room shifted again. He took a deep breath and blew it out slowly as the old guy, Ron, had taught him. His pounding heart slowed a little though his mouth still felt really dry. “My Pain is my life.”

He could feel the weight of all of the eyes on him. It made him shift uncomfortably. It was now or never he thought. “All my life I have been hiding from something. Something that scared the crap out of me. I made my life in a fashion to keep my pain hidden. It never really helped. The discomfort I felt with my body and with myself grew and grew. I finally couldn’t handle the fact that my thoughts and feelings and my body didn’t match. I didn’t really know of a way to escape. So I planned to kill myself.”

His heart was pounding. “My pain was that I was male.”

This time his fellow coveners were the ones to shift uncomfortably. The room felt a little cold and he shivered a little bit. His heart raced and it felt like it was in his throat, trying to keep him from talking. His palms were really sweaty. He wiped them off on his pants. “I was conflicted because what I felt I was and what everyone else told me I was never matched up. It was horrible. I hated myself and the body I was in. I was jealous of women for having the bodies I so desperately wanted. The pain kept growing until I cut my wrists. Why should I live if all I would be is tortured?”

He again took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. “My joy is that I am getting help with this. I have a new therapist who has dealt a lot with this. Apparently it is called Gender Dysphoria. I don’t know what therapy will bring but hopefully I’ll be able to have a life.”

He passed on the stick to the person next to him. They took it automatically, not really thinking about it. The silence was profound. The girl who had taken the stick, shook herself for a moment. She shifted away from John, attempting to make it look like she was getting comfortable. He could feel their eyes on him. It was uncomfortable. Maybe he shouldn’t have mentioned it to them.

The rest of the night seemed to go woodenly. After the circle was down John left Susan’s house and no one tried to stop him from leaving. He got in his car and drove for a while, calling his mom to let her know he was going to get something to eat. He wasn’t hungry but it would keep him out from under her watchful eye for another hour at least.

David had shared with him the special joy of driving. His brother had told him all about the healing power of miles. The more he drove the better he felt. John didn’t feel quite the same way. To him driving was a way to get from place to place. He couldn’t escape anything that way.

He drove to the local lake and parked his car in one of the lots close to the water. He got out and sat on the grass watching the water. It had been a risk to tell everyone tonight and it proved to be a bad plan. He felt that his coven would never talk to him again. Great, more people to ostracize him for being himself. So much for the power of the truth.

His phone rang.

He picked it up. “Hello?”

“John?” It was Estelle.

“Yeah?”

“I was worried about you. You left so quickly that we didn’t have a chance to talk. Are you by the lake?”

She did sound a bit worried to him. “Yeah. The usual spot.”

“I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

The line went dead in his hand.

She pulled up a few minutes later in her red two door. She got out and sat next to him. For a few minutes the just quietly watched the water.

“So, why do you think you’re a girl?” It was an honest question. Her voice sounded interested.

“I don’t really know. I have felt this way my whole life. Why do you think you’re a girl?” He countered.

“That’s easy. I got tits, a pussy and I bleed monthly. That’s why I’m a girl. You don’t have those, I know. You’re a great fuck and you seemed to enjoy it. Why this?”

“I don’t know!” He threw a stick into the water. It slashed into the water with a wet sound. He knew what he felt, he just didn’t really know how to express himself.

“Well, hopefully this doctor will cure you and you’ll get to feeling better.” She hugged him and kissed him on the cheek. “You are definitely on of the nicest boys I know. Don’t go changing that now.”

John just looked out at the water. Estelle didn’t really seem to be getting it. None of them probably did. He wasn’t sure even he did. How could he explain it to anyone else when he barely understood it himself? “I don’t really plan on it. I just want to be myself, whatever that is. I’m confused and it hurts. I don’t know who I am and I probably have never known.”

She hugged him again. She took his head in her hands, turned his face to hers and kissed him. His mouth slowly opened and her tongue took the opportunity to reach his. He relaxed into the kiss and held her to him. She broke the kiss and whispered sweetly into his ear. “Don’t change John. You’re such a wonderful man.”
 

*          *          *
 
End of Part 2
 
 
To Be Continued...

---

 
Meetings

The diner was only two blocks away from the apartment. It wasn’t a long walk, and the movement did her some good. Some of the tension she had been holding on to seemed to release during the walk. The air smelled of smog and flower trees. She watched as a line of ants moved from a flowerbed into the street, collecting food from the trash.

The Diner served classic American food, had neon signs and prints from that time. There were several Norman Rockwell prints as well. They also had those table jukeboxes so you could request a song and not leave your booth. The wait staff all dressed in 50’s style and the hostess wore a poodle skirt. It screamed of wholesomeness. Deirdre thought it was a nice place and that the food was good.

The hostess led her to a booth along the front wall, with large windows that looked out at traffic and the other side of the street. She slid in, facing the door and took the menu that was being offered to her. She glanced over it in the short time between being seated and the waitress showing. Dessert and a drink were all that sounded good to her right now. A hot fudge sundae and a Coke should give her a good sugar rush. That would be helpful right about now. It would certainly make her feel better.

The waitress took her order and smiled. When she returned with the drink, Deirdre thanked her. She smiled again. The Coke was nice and cold. It soothed her tension.

As she was drinking, an oriental girl with shoulder-length black hair and wearing an army field jacket entered the restaurant. She spoke briefly with the hostess and scanned the room, her eyes narrowed with concentration. She spotted Deirdre. Deirdre felt her throat go dry with nervousness, despite the drink. The girl waved and started to head over. When she got there, she spoke, “Deirdre?”

The voice was definitely that of the girl she had spoken to on the phone. She nodded a bit shyly and nervously. This was the not first time she was meeting someone new who only would know her as Deirdre but it was close. “Yes. Megan?”

The girl smiled brightly and slid in opposite. “That’s me. Miss, Coke please.”

The waitress brought another drink quickly. Megan took a deep drink and sighed happily. She then looked at Deirdre, “So, you’re new here?”

“Yes. I just transferred here. Due to my life being my life I ended up taking a year off. So you could say I’m at least a year behind where I should be.”

“Could simply be a year sideways you know. Don’t stress. I’m a freshman as well, which puts me more than a year behind, but that is only if we use your system.” Megan blew a stray strand from her face.

“What were you doing if you weren’t going to school?” Deirdre leaned forward, resting her head on her hands.

“I was in the military. Spent four years in. That’s where I got this neat jacket. Any way you said you wanted to talk, so talk.”

“Well, I don’t know anyone in town and I was just trying to make some friends. Jack said I could call and talk to either him or Jill. I guessed it would be a good idea to get to know other people. That and my therapist said friends would be a good thing.”

“Therapist?” prompted Megan.

“Sure. You think they would let folks like me deal with this without keeping tabs on us?” There was only a slight trace of bitterness to her voice.

“That’s right...the whole T thing.” Now Megan leaned forward with interest. Deirdre liked her gentle brown eyes. “You want to talk about it?”

“Sure but I would rather do it some place less filled with people.” She glanced around the moderately crowded restaurant to see if anyone was paying attention to their conversation. There didn’t seem to be anybody not engrossed in either their food or their own table talk. “Certain things are not for public consumption. But someplace else, sure.”

“Okay, I will contain my raging curiosity. Can you answer a quick question than, to tide me over? Pre or post?”

“Uh...pre. I’m on hormones and am about halfway through my real life test. On the other side of that is surgery. I already am on a waiting list, so once the time is past I go get it done. My parents have been somewhat understanding.”

“Wow.” Conversation stopped as the hot fudge sundae arrived. The waitress had brought two spoons with it. The sundae was huge. Four scoops of vanilla practically drowned in hot fudge. It was topped with whip cream and chopped nuts. There was a cherry partially sunk in the whip cream. Deirdre’s eyes widened at the sight. It was actually larger than the picture on the menu had made it. She was glad there was someone there to help share in the task of consuming this monstrosity. Deirdre wordlessly pushed the extra spoon towards Megan.

The Asian girl smiled and waited until Deirdre had her first bite before she dug in as well. They both closed their eyes and savored the first mix of flavors. Both of their eyes opened and they were looking right into each others eyes. Deirdre blushed.

“Mmmmmmm....good hot fudge. I keep forgetting how good these are. So what does a girl like you do for fun?” asked Megan, as she spooned out another bite of sundae.

“Not much really. I like to read, listen to music, and go to movies. I don’t really do much else except play role playing games.”

“Role playing games? Are you a gamer geek?” She responded with a mock look of horror on her face.

“What of it?” asked Deirdre defensively.

“Nothing. Can’t I tease you a little?”

Deirdre shrugged a little. “I suppose so. Do you play?”

“Nope. I have a number of other hobbies which eat all of my time. I find them to be fun at any rate. Jill says a Lipstick like me needs daintier hobbies.” Megan drank deeply again from her Coke. The ice clinked as the glass was set back down on the table.

“Not to seem totally ignorant, but what do you mean by lipstick? I take it not what you put on your lips?” She had never heard the term used to describe a person before.

“Huh? Oh...it usually refers to lesbians who tend to be girly. Sweet little dainty things, like me.” Megan fluttered her eyelashes and gave Deirdre a completely pure and innocent look. It made her look twelve. It was almost even convincing.

Deirdre smiled. “Oh, I completely understand. Gosh, thank you for telling me.” The look she returned was one almost as innocent. And about as convincing. Both broke out laughing.

Megan leaned forward conspiratorially. Deirdre leaned in as well. “Deirdre, if I didn’t know you were a T-girl I would never have known.”

She blushed again. The complement made her feel really good, as if something pleasant were swelling within her chest. If a lesbian thought she looked good she figured she might actually look like the woman she felt she was. “Thank you.”

Soon enough the sundae was gone and they were reduced to trying to spoon out the dregs of fudge and melted ice cream out of the glass bowl. Deirdre felt a little forlorn at that, not wanting things to end. Making some sort of connection with another human being who didn’t despise her for her mere existence was nice. Comforting. She wished things would continue.

Megan seemed to be following the same train of thought. “So, Deirdre, you want to come with me to get some coffee? I know a nice place with a friendly environment where we can sit and talk. It might even qualify for semi-private like. What do you say? I might be able to introduce you to a few more people.”

Deirdre didn’t really have to ponder much. Keep talking to Megan or go home and do what? It really wasn’t much of a choice. “Sure. Sounds good.”

They paid and tipped. Megan led them outside and to her car. She drove a four door teal Saturn with a number of bumper stickers on the back. There was one that said “Free Tibet” next to her U.S. Army sticker, which read “Hooah! It’s an Army thing.” There was even one that said, “Born Again? Why? I got it right the first time.” Deirdre smiled at the sight of them. They seemed to fit Megan or at least what she had learned so far.

With a turn of the key, the doors unlocked. They both climbed in, moving around the automatic seat belts. The car was a little messy, having that lived in look that most cars took on after a short while with their owner. The car smelled faintly of vanilla.

Megan started the car and the sound of Fleetwood Mac exploded out of the speakers. Deirdre’s eyes popped a little at the volume of the music. Megan mouthed sorry and turned it down. The sound seemed to be echoing in Deirdre’s ears. She blinked a few times and turned towards Megan. “I take it you like Fleetwood Mac?”

Megan blushed a little, the color just touching her ears. “Yes. My mom introduced me to them. That was some time after Clinton’s election. I really like their stuff. So since we are fairly private at the moment why don’t you tell me about the whole T thing?”

Megan backed out and moved into traffic easily. The roads had little traffic. Deirdre nodded. “Sure. What do you want to know?”

“How long have you felt you were a girl?”

“I guess I noticed it about five or six. I always wanted to play with the girls because they made more sense, felt more right and I thought like I was one of them. That caused some grief, and I got beat up a time or three over it. I was getting the fact that I was supposed to be a boy beaten into me.” The memories still hurt and the confusion felt was still there, in raw wounds still tender with healing. Each sharing made it hurt a little less.

“I take it the beatings got that through to you?”

“Eventually. By the time I was in third grade it had gotten through to me that, for survival, I had to pretend to be a boy. Getting caught in my mom’s clothes didn’t help matters any.”

Megan snickered. Deirdre liked the sound, it made her feel a little soft, fluttery in her stomach. “By the end of third grade I had learned that lesson very well. I started acting tough, picking fights and becoming a wonderful example of why boys can be pains in the ass. I got dirty and muddy all the time. Started coping an attitude with my parents and trying to act tough like my brother.”

“You sound like you are the poster child for repression.”

“Exactly. Well, long about fifth or sixth grade the girls in my class started developing. They ran through the whole gamut of responses from proud to embarrassed. I had the same responses as all of the late bloomers, envy and jealousy. But at this point I had fooled my self into believing I was a boy. So I had no idea why I felt this way. The feeling only grew as they grew. I grew more upset and confused, depressed and the like. I had no connection to myself and others. I started to hate my body. I got involved in Dungeons and Dragons at that point. The gaming helped to take the edge off.”

Megan looked over at her, confused, while she was changing lanes. “How can that take the edge off of anything? I mean, isn’t that a game for dorks?”

“It is not a game for Dorks!” Deirdre bristled. “The game is actually a lot of fun. Don’t knock it till you try it!”

Megan raised her hands in surrender and the car drifted slowly to the left. She corrected that easily. “Sorry. I’ll get more information before I dump on gaming again. Please continue your story.”

She humphed and continued. “Well, near the end of my second semester of college I had more than enough. I lit some candles, drew a tub, and slashed my wrists. My mom found me before it was too late. It came out in therapy three days later that this was what I was going through. So I started on hormones and here I am, trying to start my life over again.”

Megan maneuvered through some more traffic in silence. She pulled up to a coffee shop. She turned off the car and opened her door. “So, coffee?”

Deirdre nodded, unsure of herself. Megan had shown no real reaction to the story of her life. No “I’m sorry” or “Gee, that sounds tough”. Her story had always seemed to get some sort of response from people. Megan seemed unaffected by the whole thing. Deirdre felt awkward as she got of the car.

The coffee shop, “The Last Drop”, was in an older building. It had warm wooden walls with what seemed like the work of local artists hanging on the walls, for sale. There were a number of small tables inside and out filled with a wide mixture of people. The window had numerous posters and flyers attached. There were even some cozy chairs and a couch. Megan was waiting up by the counter, in line. Deirdre joined her, her uncertainty naked on her face.

“Want me to order?” Megan asked, with a slight smile on her face. When a nod was returned, she turned to the server. “Two Sumatra Mandheling, medium.”

“Four dollars. At Carousel and Flower.” Money changed hands. Megan led her to the other end of the bar. There were paper cups under this metal holder for coffee filters, each spot with a different colorful picture on it. The guy behind the counter scooped out some of the beans into two filters. He then ground each set of beans. After that, he placed the filters and slowly poured hot water over them. Both girls waited for their coffee, why the guy flirted a little with Deirdre.

She blushed and thanked him for the coffee. Megan led her over to the prep station. Megan added sugar in the raw and cream to her coffee, while Deirdre used white sugar and milk. The table outside seemed a good spot for conversation and people watching.

Deirdre raised her eyes in surprise as she sipped the coffee. Megan chuckled. “What? Never had real coffee before?”

“No. I got used to drinking Folgers my senior year and last year. This is so much better.” She drank again, savoring the taste. It was quite unlike anything she had drunk before. “It actually tastes like it smells.”

Megan handed her cup over. “Try it with the sugar in the raw and cream.”

Deirdre did, followed by a longer sip. Megan rescued her coffee and drank from it possessively. “So do you know what you are going to major in yet?”

She shook her head no, her hair flipping along her jaw line. “I really don’t have a clue. I figure I could get my AA, take some electives and figure it out from there. So that gives me about two years to try and choose something. Life has been so crazy that I never really had time for it. How about you?”

Megan sipped thoughtfully from her coffee, her eyes closed, enjoying the aroma. “I’m not sure. I thought about PolySci but I’m not sure. I can get into the CIA, FBI or even NSA with my military background. But I don’t want to learn criminal justice and while foreign policy decisions are interesting I’m not too sure I could be happy doing that for the rest of my life. Like you I still have to find what I want to do.”

“So were in the same boat?”

“Pretty much.”

“Why did you leave the Army?” Deirdre cocked her head questioningly.

“Well, I was nearing the end of my term and I had made Sergeant. I was dating this girl I had met in town. There was another girl in my unit who was also a lesbian. She got caught in her barracks room making out with her date. She was Chaptered out of the Army under “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”. She made one bad choice about where to have sex and was discharged. I didn’t want to run that risk so I kept to the straight and narrow until my enlistment was up. I kept turning down enticements for me to re-up, but I couldn’t tell them that their policy on my dating habits made me uncomfortable.”

“What was the Army like?”

“Orderly. Very rules-oriented. I had some fun, but there was the right way, the wrong way, and the Army way. It got old after a bit.”

“Doesn’t sound all that fun.” She though about the mindset that Megan’s statement implied and it did not really appeal to her.

“Don’t get me wrong. I had some fun in the Army and I know some guys and girls who have made careers out of it, despite the need to keep their sex lives compartmentalized. The Army is fine, but not everyone is suited to such a life.” Megan drank more of her coffee.

For a moment, the two of them sat silently, drinking. Both seemed momentarily lost to their own thoughts. Deirdre looked up after a bit and noticed Megan looking at her appraisingly. Deirdre blushed and looked down again quickly. Megan chuckled.

“You know Deirdre, you really are quite cute.”

Deirdre was surprised by the comment. As she looked up again, her eyes plainly showing her astonishment, her mouth open a little. “Really?”

Megan sighed. “I think so at any rate.”
 

*          *          *
 
End of Part 3
 
 
To Be Continued...

---

 
A Bitter Brotherhood

David shoved his hands deeper into the pockets of his leather jacket. Of all the dumb ass things that could have happened in his life, he had to deal with a younger brother who was a freak and a fucking queer. Wanted to be a fucking girl. Why the fuck would he want to do that?

He was glad they had moved. So many of his friends, who he had known for most of his life had given so much shit about his brother wanting to be a girl. They had even dared to wonder if it was contagious and if he would be in a dress soon. He had beaten Robert severely for that comment. It hadn’t really made him feel any better.

David got into his car and started the engine. The mustang rumbled to life. He could feel the body of the car shake with power. He turned on his radio as he pulled out of the apartment complex. The hard rock thrummed with the sound of his car. It helped ease his tension.

Every time he had to look at that sissy’s face and body, he got all angry again. Why did this have to happen to him?

John and him had been best buds back in the day. He used to get picked on when he was younger and David had stood up for him. He didn’t know how many people he had punched out for daring to call his little brother a fag. They played sports and video games together. Life had been good. Hell, David remembered going out on double dates and making out in the back seat of his car, while John did the same in the front seat. He had lots of good memories of John, just none with this freak Deirdre.

David drove along the streets of the town getting used to where everything was. It was relaxing. Just cruising was always a good way to calm down. He had discovered this when he was sixteen and just allowed to drive. His troubles rolled away as he drove along.

He pulled into a burger joint that had carhops. He really liked the tight shirts and short shorts they wore. They even roller-skated to your car. He loved a little shake with his food. The thought made him smile. He rolled down his window as his pulled alongside a speaker.

“Can I help you?” the teenager’s voice hade the sound of most people working and just watching the clock. David smiled.

“Yeah. Give me a double bacon cheeseburger, chili cheese fries, and a large chocolate milkshake.”

“No problem. It will be out shortly.”

David moved his seat back from the steering wheel. It didn’t really have a long way to go. He adjusted his rear-view so he could watch the approach to the carhop.

He watched the girl approach the car. She looked really hot. Tight ass and huge tits. He just wanted to reach out and touch them. He smiled at her. She smiled back and it became genuine when he tipped her two dollars. He watched her departure.

He shifted his penis, which had gotten hard with the thoughts about the girl and her body. She looked like she would be a good fuck. He might even see if he could get her number and possibly score. That would be nice. He just wasn’t sure if he could have sex with John in the house. Just thinking about that developing body made him a little sick to his stomach. He stopped that train of thought and took a drink from his milkshake.

He needed to get his mind off John and onto something more fun. Perhaps he would hit a club or something tonight. That should make him feel a little better. Having a few beers might wash out the nasty taste in his mouth that John left there.

That bastard was so damn selfish. How could he have chosen to do this to the family? They had had to move after he had started his damn transition. All of his friends, all the places he knew, all the girls. Now he was here. Dad was uncomfortable with the damn freak and he knew mom cried about it. Bastard didn’t think about them at all. How selfish could one person be? All he wanted was to have his perverse life, regardless of the pain it caused everyone else.

He definitely needed a few beers, maybe even a few shots to get the taste out of his mouth. He would try to get his mom to let him out of this damn situation. If he had to stay with that bastard, he was going to snap. Having to watch out for the little fairy was unfair. And if “she” brought home some guy to fuck he would probably snap. How disgusting could John get? Was this some fucking gay fantasy? Was his brother a fag, as well as a freak? The thought made his stomach churn again.

The chocolate milkshake barely took the taste out of his mouth. He shook himself and finished his food. A club. Hitting on some girls. Hopefully sex. And without a doubt a few drinks, maybe even more than a few.

He knew just the place. David had found the bar on one of his driving trips two weeks ago. It was small but it had a nice atmosphere. There was live music Thursday through Sunday. There were lots of women there when there was music. And tonight there was going to be music.

The lights on the road slid past him as he drove. It was only about another 10 blocks until he got to the bar. Maybe five minutes until he could start to drink his problem away. That would be nice. Maybe he could dance with a couple of girls? Maybe one was lonely and looking for some company. That would be nice.

The music throbbed out of the speakers as he headed towards his refuge, his oasis. Where the cooling drafts of beer would ease his chaffed self. Perhaps he could even spend some time not thinking about the little fag.

He pulled up into the parking across the street. There was a small line at the moment. The band hadn’t started yet. As soon as they did, the hordes would descend on the place. It would be nice if he managed to get a seat at one of the tables near the stage. That would make it easier to dance.

There were a couple of hot girls in the line before him. He listened to their voices happily. He loved women. Absolutely adored them. There was just something about them that made him feel like a man. It was invigorating. And it kept him dating. He hadn’t found anyone special yet, but he was sure he would run into her when the time was right. He just had to be patient and go where the girls were. Only then could lightning strike.

He smiled at them when they looked his way. It was too early in the evening to approach them. A few drinks for them and a few for him and it would be smooth sailing. He would have to see how things developed.

He had made it through his first two beers when the band finally started their first set. The music was good and he could feel the bass and the drums throbbing through his body. It was great. He could really dance to this stuff. No one was on the floor yet, but the room was beginning to fill up more.

David scanned the room. So many cute girls to choose from, how to decide. He finally spotted this Asian girl with a nice rack. Curvy and hot, just the way he liked them. He hoped that he would be able to score with her. Kung Fu theatre was to blame for his love of Asian girls. He had no problem admitting that.

He checked her hand for rings and didn’t spot any on the left hand. There were two on the right, but they weren’t the kind of rings that a guy would buy for his girl. She also didn’t seem to be here with anyone else. She just stood at the bar and swayed to the music. Her body moved lithely. Yep, it looked like it was his lucky day.

He sidled up to the bar and moved past her. He ordered another beer and turned to her, “Hey, want something to drink? Since I’m here I can just get you one.”

She smiled, “Sure. Could you get me another beer?”

He noted what type of beer she was drinking and ordered another. “Hey, my friend Rob didn’t show. You want to join me at my table? It’s by the stage.”

She nodded and followed him to the table. Things were starting to go his way. He sat with his back to the band and she sat across from him.

The night went well. They chatted between sets and they even danced some. She had agreed to coffee and he drove her to the Denny’s by the bar. He followed her home and the end of the evening. His grin was painfully huge as he contemplated the night ahead and how little sleep he was hoping on getting.

---

 
Let the dice fall where they may!

Deirdre was a little nervous as she grabbed up her dice and her gaming notebook. The old spiral bound notebook had a collection of the characters she had created and played over the years. She had started playing Dungeons and Dragons when she was thirteen. She had been in middle school then and it was practically her only social outlet. Now it was almost the case. She did not want to know how sad her social life would be without the GLBT group and the Gaming group.

She loved gaming. It was a lot of fun and she enjoyed making the characters. She had characters for all kinds of systems in her notebook. It was almost full. If she died fairly quickly she might need to get another one fairly soon.

She grabbed her coat and headed out of the apartment. The group was meeting on campus and today was one of her days without classes. She would simply walk to the school and meet them in the meeting room in the Student Center. It wouldn’t take more than ten minutes to get over there, and it was a nice walk, through the sports fields.

David was sitting on the couch watching the baseball game. He didn’t really look up as Deirdre exited the house. Things were getting worse instead of better. David was really starting to make her nervous. She figured she would talk to her shrink about that. It couldn’t hurt.

The air was clearer than it had been due to the breeze that was blowing the smog elsewhere. She was sure it wasn’t that good for whoever had to deal with it, but it was fine by her. Clean air was a good thing as far as she was concerned.

There was little traffic as she made her way across the street and over onto the campus. The fields were filled with light as various sports teams held their practices where they were running, throwing, and practicing all the things that made athletes better at their chosen game. She could see both the soccer teams and the football team working out. The tennis courts were filled as well. This school had a good sports program and had helped a number of athletes raise their grades enough to transfer into a good school.

She passed the library and into the quad where she sat when she had classes. There were some nice trees and benches. It had an almost park like atmosphere to it. She really appreciated that. Being able to sit against a tree and relax helped with her classes. It certainly helped her to keep from stressing on the tests.

The Student Center building was on the right hand side of the quad. She walked purposefully there.

The building was two stories high, of red brick and glass. It was a nice mix of old and new and blended in with the rest of the buildings here. The cafeteria was here as well as a small food court, where several fast food chains had vied to have places. There was even a small coffee bar. All in all not a bad place. There was a game room in the basement with arcade games, a pool table, and air hockey. The upper floor held the ballroom. All in all it was a nice building.

The room she was heading towards was on the first floor, in one of the other corridors. It was a room used for club meetings. She had the number and headed there. She should be on time, according to the clock by the food court. She didn’t want to be late at the first meeting.

The door was already open and she could hear several voices inside. She entered the room and saw about fifteen people near the front of the room. There were three girls there as well. That would be good. Hopefully the gamer hordes would not descend on her like fresh meat. She had seen that sort of behavior drive girls away from game. But at least she knew the reason. She really wasn’t going into this blind, just wearing a skirt.

She headed towards the front of the class. She could see Dean, the clubs president standing up there. Of course, it was difficult to miss someone six foot four inches, with bright blue hair. He was easily one of the tallest gamers she had ever known. She wondered how he had managed to avoid basketball in high school.

Dean spotted her and waved her over. “Deirdre, hey. Thanks for coming. Everyone, this is Deirdre. She’s a freshman.”

Everyone turned and looked at her. She shifted nervously under the scrutiny. One of the girls spoke up, a heavyset girl with long black hair in braids. “Welcome to the group. What do you usually play?”

“Uh...I used to play Dungeons and Dragons, 2nd ed. I haven’t played since a little while after 3rd ed came out. Haven’t even looked at the books for 3.5. Fantasy I really like. I played a little Exalted and Vampire, some GURPS and that’s about it. I’m willing to play anything however.” Deirdre rattled off the litany of things she had done, leaving out only a few games.

This thin boy with a potbelly, greasy short hair, and glasses piped up. “Fantasy, huh? Want to join the Hackmaster campaign?”

“The what?” Deirdre had never heard of the game.

“It’s a game based on the rules for 1st and 2nd ed D&D, with a lot of the flaws removed. If you liked old D&D you’d love Hackmaster.” He really seemed excited. Some of the other people only rolled their eyes. Deirdre took it to mean he was a bit excitable.

“I’d be willing to give it a try.” She replied noncommittally.

The dark haired girl with braids spoke up. “There is also a Buffy the Vampire Slayer game going. I think Dean is running a d20 Modern game and a d20 X-Crawl. Rashem, who isn’t here so far, is running a Nyambe game. That one’s cool. Set in a mystical Africa. So that’s what’s being run. On meeting nights, we talk, brag, recruit, do club business, and play card games like Chez Geek and Ninja Burger. So you can game six nights a week. That’s one day for study, so no worries.”

Deirdre smiled at that. She loved gaming but knew if she wasn’t careful she could ruin her life gaming the days away. Not that she would mind. “Who has openings?”

“Rashem has one opening and there is an opening in Hackmaster. Both games are fun. I’m in both, not to sway you that way. Dean may have some openings soon for X-Crawl. Oh...my name’s Liz.”

This cool looking African American boy with dreads and sunglasses walked in. Deirdre thought he was hot and blushed a little at the thought. She had never found boys attractive before. She felt her face warming. His voice was warm and very masculine, the kind of voice she had always wanted and had never gotten as John. “Hey, am I late?”

“Not yet. Sven is the only one not here yet. Say hi to Deirdre, new girl.” Dean gestured towards her.

Rashem turned to her and smiled broadly. His teeth were dazzlingly white. “Ire. Welcome to Geeks Anonymous! My name's Rashem and I’m a geek.”

A couple of people laughed. Deirdre giggled at this. “Hi.”

“Rashem, she was thinking of joining the Nyambe game.” This from Liz, who was prodding her forward.

“Really? Cool. The game is really interesting. Fantasy Africa. Monsters, lions, elephants, pygmies, cannibals, lost cities and buried treasure. Actually, the stuff of almost every game, but less armor. We meet on Thursday nights at my house.”

“I think I’d like that. Liz, when is Hackmaster?”

“Tuesday night in here. I can help you make a character this week and then you can join next week. We're between adventures right now so it’s a good time.”

“Great.” She sat near Liz. Liz seemed comfortable and safe to her right now. Hopefully this could turn into friendship.

“Sven!!” Everyone turned and joined in on the yell. In walked in this short, dark haired boy who looked fourteen, except for the goatee. He wore round glasses, like some mod Harry Potter. He waved briefly.

Dean chuckled and stood up. “Great, since we are all here let’s get started. So far, we only have one new member, Deirdre, but the semester is still young. So go out and recruit. Same games as last semester and Sven mentioned to me that he is running a Halloween game. Like last years only more so. Live Action Call of Cthulu. Remember last years? He says he has a better place and about fifteen or so non-players working for him. Besides us, he expects another twenty people. So tickets will go fast. Fifteen dollars.”

“Spirit week is like last one, so we need to get started on the karaoke bit. Still waiting on the theme, but if we want to win again we have to have everyone ready to go once we know.” Dean casually read of the sheet of paper in his hand. “Dues are ten dollars payable as soon as possible. Liz brought snacks and let’s have some fun. Meeting adjourned.”

There was scattered applause and people getting out of their chairs to get snacks. Deirdre joined them. There seemed to be both freshly baked cookies and brownies on the table, as well as several two-liters of generic soda. There was a line and nobody was shoving. Soon enough she had two Macadamia and white chocolate cookies and a brownie. They were good.

Liz, Rashem, and several others were talking about the Hackmaster game. She sat there listening, trying to get a feel for the game. It sounded fun to her based on the descriptions. One of the players, of something called a pixie faerie, was talking about a near suicidal charge against an ogre. The story was funny, as well as the story about a half ogre who pulled a groin muscle trying to get coconuts and ended up with them falling on his face.

A couple of people pulled out some card games and started playing them as well. She got dragged into a game on Ninja Burger. It wasn’t that hard of a game to learn and she had fun. She also enjoyed a game called Apples to Apples.
 
 
After about two hours, people began filtering out of the room. Liz and she made arrangements to meet during the week to get her Hackmaster character rolled up. Rashem offered to take her home.

She blushed again, a little embarrassed to be asked and agreed. He walked her to his car, a Toyota. He opened the door for her and then went around and let himself in. “So, where to?”

“The apartments across the street.”

“Ouch. And here I was trying to spend some more time with an attractive girl. A mere two or three minute drive. Can I get a little more time?” Rashem’s voice was plaintive.

“Uh... sure. What did you have in mind?” blurted out Deirdre.

“Maybe coffee, maybe food. Your call. I just wouldn’t mind spending time with someone cute like you.” He smiled broadly again.

Her face went hot again. Rashem certainly knew how to get her all flustered. “Food would be good.”

“Right-o.” He pulled out of the lot and headed away from the school, chatting casually as if they had been friends for years. It was nice. She relaxed and barely paid attention to the road. She was surprised when they pulled into a Denny’s.

“Didn’t you say food?”

Rashem blinked and then looked at the yellow sign, “You don’t like Moons over My Hammie?”

“Yep. But the usually have something edible. I guess this will work.” She sighed and he escorted her into the place. The hostess quickly escorted them to a booth. They both slid in and ordered Cokes. This made them both laugh. They stopped and stared at each awkwardly, in the same fashion. Deirdre shivered.

“Okay...that was weird.”

Rashem simply nodded.

They ordered pie, different kinds and talked gaming for an hour or so. Character histories, favorite campaigns, favorite systems they haven’t had time to play. In a way, the situation reminded Deirdre of Chris, before things fell apart.

Rashem reminded her heavily of Chris in a number of ways, with the exception of being a lot cuter. That and Rashem smiled more. He was nice to talk to and she was starting to get over her hesitant shyness. She did blink when he reached over and took her hand.

“You’re really a pretty neat lady Deirdre. I wouldn’t mind seeing more of you, if that’s okay.”

The warmth of his hand and his words surprised her again. It seemed as if this was her night for it. She nodded slightly as her thoughts were a whirl. A guy liked her? A cute guy liked her?

After that, Deirdre remembered very little of the evening. They finished their pie and drinks, headed back out to the car and they went parking.

Her mouth opened happily to accept Rashem’s kiss. Their tongues intertwined and explored each other’s mouths. Her breath kept catching in her throat and her head was spinning. She kept thinking off and on that surely this wasn’t really happening. She focused a bit more when she felt the warmth of his palm on her breast. Her nipples were tight.

Time seemed to slide as they both kissed and caressed each other. His hand traced a slow line down her belly, tickling her slightly in her belly button and traced the top of her panties. That snapped her back.

“Rashem, please stop.”

He kept nibbling her neck and letting his fingers do the walking.

“Rashem, please. Now is not a good time for that.”

He didn’t speak but instead brought his hand to her hair and ran his fingers through it. As long as her secret was safe, she was fine. There was pressure down there as her shrunken penis grew hard and confined by the tucking but with the kisses, she had little trouble ignoring it. She worked her hand through his dreads, feeling the novelty of them.

Finally, they both rose for air. Rashem grinned broadly. ‘You sure kiss well for a gamer geek.”

“So do you. It was nice but could I get home?” Deirdre kept her eyes downcast. She was enjoying herself but the fear of being discovered was rising. She didn’t want to deal with that again. She would rather pass lazily under the radar. And her genitals wouldn’t do that for at least a year or so.

“Was it something I said or did?” Rashem looked a little crestfallen.

“No...it’s just me. I...I...”

“You’re on your period?”

Deirdre blinked. A way out. “Yeah...that’s it. I just...”

He leaned over and kissed her again. “No problem D. Do you want to go home?”

“Please. Thank you. It was fun. And you really kiss good.”

“No problem there. I was glad to oblige. Let’s get you home. Maybe we can pick this up again some other time?” He waggled his eyebrows at her suggestively.

She smiled brightly. “We’ll see.”

---

 
Dating

Megan looked into her closet and tried to decide what to wear. She was having some trouble trying to decide what to wear. Since Deirdre was not like other lesbians, she wanted to do something nice for her. And something that she couldn’t accessorize with her field jacket. That did make the choices rather slim.

She looked everything and decided that her LBD would be just the thing. She was taking Deirdre to a fairly nice restaurant and the little black dress would be appropriate. It was a nice seafood place where they served lots of tasty things. Megan loved eating there.

None of her other dates had really liked it, but when Deirdre had mentioned liking sushi and other fish, Megan knew she would like it. It would be a nice place to go and hopefully build some good memories there with someone other than herself. Maybe they would then do coffee. Hopefully they would end the night making out. Megan certainly hoped so. She had shaved special for it.

Megan wiggled into her LBD and dug out a nice pair of heels. If Deirdre wore flats, like usual, then they would be eye to eye if she wore her two inch heels. That would be good. Deirdre had pretty eyes. Once she slipped them on and buckled the thin strap she walked into the bathroom and did her makeup. Just a little to emphasize. Nothing too over board.

She walked out into the living room and Jill looked away from the TV. “Wow, you look hot. What’s the occasion?”

“Going out with Deirdre.”

“The Tranny? Let me guess you’re going to that fish place you like and be all nice and sweet. I probably don’t need to wait up for you. It’s so cute when Lipsticks date.”

“Watch it, butchie. I’ve seen you in a dress and have both the pictures and the negatives to prove it.” Megan had been sure to do that when Jill had dressed up nicely for a party her parents were taking her to. She had grumbled about it for weeks.

“That was under duress.” shot back Jill.

“No, you were under the dress.” Jill groaned at that and mimed throwing something at her. They both laughed. “Gotta go. I need to pick her up and make it to the place in time for the reservation.”

“Take care, Megan. Have fun and be safe!” Jill called after her. Jill headed out to her car and slid in. She drove as usual to the apartment, weaving through traffic through holes only she could see.

Megan liked Deirdre despite her handicap of being born a man, and despite being properly equipped genetically to Megan’s tastes. But she was cute, in a bewildered nearly deer in the headlights sort of way. She found that oddly endearing. Better than some of the butches that she had dated. Besides, Deirdre was a little les with training wheels on. If she did this right, she would get to help her be the les Megan would prefer. Helping someone find themselves for her own pleasure. She grinned.

She pulled up to the apartment complex where Deirdre lived and entered the security code. The gate rolled slowly open. She pulled up to the apartment and headed up the stairs. She knocked twice.

Deirdre opened the door shortly wearing this really nice, flowered dress. It fit her well and Deirdre looked very soft and feminine in it. Megan’s heart fluttered at the sight. “Hey there, good looking. Ready to go out and eat?”

“Yes. I’m hungry. I can’t wait. Fish sounds great.” She turned and locked the apartment. The two headed towards Megan’s car, their heels slowly beginning to click in time. Megan chuckled at that. “What?”

“Ever since I was in the military I always seem to match time with who ever I am walking with. That habit became ingrained in me and I guess I still do it. Sounds funny the first few times.” Megan chuckled. “The first time I did that with Jill she thought I was making fun of her.”

Deirdre giggled a little. “I guess she gets a little jumpy about that.”

“You have no idea. She takes herself seriously most of the time, especially with the GLBT group. She wants it to go well and have very few problems. Jack is a bit of a party boy and so most of the work falls on Jill. She isn’t very keen on that. She also works to keep everyone from bitching too much. I don’t envy her. But she does a fairly good job.”

They drove through a different section of town than Deirdre had ever seen. It was a bit ritzier and not geared to catering to the tastes of college students. There were nicer houses and more upscale businesses.

Megan had cleaned her car and washed it, to try and subtly impress Deirdre. As she looked over, Deirdre seemed to be smiling. “Penny for your thoughts?”

“Just thinking about how different this is from when I was seeing Rashem a few weeks ago. He was nice, kissed great, but high dating was a chain restaurant a step or two higher than Denny’s. He made me feel special and I felt more like a girl than I ever had before, but I was so worried about him finding out that I didn’t have a good time. I still play at his table, but it feels a little awkward.”

“And there is the whole fact that while I liked him and liked being kissed, it didn’t really set fire to me. So far, he has been the only guy I found hot and it didn’t do anything for me.” complained Deirdre.

“Now that sounds like a bad lead in for a confession of lesbian-hood.” quipped Megan.

“What?”

“Come on. I have had sex with men. It was fun and I did enjoy both sucking and getting fucked. But that is not all there is to anything. My problem wasn’t the sex. My problem was everything else. If sex were the only thing I would probably still be het. But I’m not. I found both men and women sexy, but men were willing to ask me out. I liked that. Most of the women I know are a little shy when it comes to that. Some aren’t but some are. I like getting swept off my feet. Guys were good for that. But girls were something I could cuddle with and enjoy it. They seemed to have the padding where I wanted it. In relationships, I prefer them to men. But in a lot of ways there is nothing inherently superior about either.”

“So Rasheem didn’t do it for you, and you haven’t found anyone else hot. That doesn’t automatically make you a lesbian. You might want to sit the fence for a while. If your still skittish about being caught then you need to wait and calm down about that before you choose. Be yourself and date who you want. Why play the naming game?”

Deirdre sat there quietly and Megan mentally kicked her own ass. This was supposed to be a date not a lecture. She sighed. “I’m sorry Deirdre. I just want you to be happy. I like you and would really enjoy spending time with you. But I want you to be happy more than that.”

Deirdre sighed. “That’s okay. You’re probably right you know. Just when I think the hard stuff is over with transition something else crops up. My shrink said the biggest problem is in having to relearn a lifetimes worth of social conditioning in a crash course.”

Megan reached over, ran her hand down her cheek, and rested her hand on Deirdre’s thigh. “Then relax. I’ll help you. I know everyone else in the club will help you if they are able. But from what you said no one knows you are anything other than what you appear to be. So just relax and be. One thing the Army taught me, is that if there is no way to change a thing than deal with it.”

Deirdre was quiet again. “I guess you’re right. Again.”

Megan beamed at her, “It’s what I’m good at.”

The rest of the drive was in comfortable silence, with Megan’s had still on Deirdre’s thigh. Megan thought it felt good there. She wanted to know how other parts felt as well.

The Fishery was a small elegant restaurant that sat on its own lot, separated from neighbors. There was a small parking lot that was fairly well filled with cars. Megan pulled into an open spot and got around to open Deirdre’s door. Both of them shared a smile. It was comfortable.

The doorman seemed to know Megan. “Hey there Megan. Coming back for more? And who is this?”

“Sam, this is Deirdre. I’m hoping to give her a taste of culture.”

Sam laughed at this. “Right this way then ladies. I have the best seat in the house waiting for you.”

Megan took Deirdre’s arm and followed Sam. The table was small and intimate, with a candle on it enclosed in a red glass jar. Sam held the chair for each of them as they sat. He produced menus out of nowhere. “Today’s special is the Grilled Swordfish and Sea Scallops. It is served with a medley of steamed vegetables on a bed of couscous. Today’s soup is seafood chowder. Michael will be your server.”

Sam smiled and bowed slightly and headed back to the front of the restaurant. Megan opened her menu and scanned it quickly. Nothing on it sounded better than the special, but that was going to be a lot of food. She could keep some of it for lunch tomorrow, maybe. Deirdre was scanning the menu, looking for something. Megan smiled, “I’m having the special. Want to join me?”

After another quick scan of the menu, she nodded. “There is so much that looks good I can’t decide. Is there anything else I want?”

“Sure. Get the Caesar salad and we’ll split a bowl of the chowder.”

“I’ve never really liked Caesar before.”

“Have you had real Caesar or what comes out of a bottle?”

“Uh...probably only bottle. I’ll give it a try.”

“That’s my girl.”

They both smiled at each other. Megan felt her heart start to beat faster. She was having fun, and Deirdre hadn’t made any jokes about the place looking like a bad shark movie set. Sure, there were nets and lobster cages on the wall. But Megan knew they were old ones that the owners family never used anymore. They really fished. That was the secret of their success. That and a really good chef.

Michael, a dark haired Hispanic boy came up and got their order. Megan ordered wine for both of them and their meal. He only smiled and took everything down. Megan thought he was cute, but not quite her type. If only he had been a girl. Deirdre seemed to like his looks as well. “Hey Deirdre. Are you flirting with the staff on our date?”

Deirdre blushed heavily. “Uh... no. Why do you ask?”

Megan chuckled. “That’s okay. Michael is really cute. He’s the owners youngest.”

“You know the owners?”

“I was one of the first people to make it through their doors. This place is so good that I came back all the time. That got me noticed. I helped them stay in business the first few weeks, until word of mouth spread. That’s why I know everyone here.”

“Cool. I wondered about the wine thing.”

“Shh. No need to advertise. Others might get jealous. This place is wonderful.”

Michael showed up with the salads. He smiled coyly at Deirdre when he sat down her salad. Megan mock glowered at him. They both laughed as he walked away. Deirdre smiled. It looked to Megan as if she was enjoying herself.

The food arrived promptly after their salads. The food, chowder, and wine were excellent and complemented everything nicely. Deirdre rolled her eyes blissfully several times. Megan smiled. So far things were going better than other dates she had brought here. Deirdre was enjoying the food and the atmosphere. She didn’t seem to mind the familiarity with the owners or anything. This helped her enjoy her own meal. She had been worried that Deirdre wouldn’t have liked the place. No one else had so far. She never knew why. The food was good and so was the atmosphere. Maybe they hadn’t liked seafood?

The small talk was nice and casual and Megan had gotten Deirdre to blush several times with the flirting. The night seemed to be progressing well. Megan wondered if it would continue to do so. She really wanted to spend the night with Deirdre. Hopefully tonight it would happen. She did want their relationship to move beyond friends. She was frustrated with just friends. Something about Deirdre made her feel more protective and butch. Which was weird. Even practicing her martial forms didn’t make her feel that way. It was probably the shy smile. She was a sucker for that smile.

Deirdre gave her another one of those smiles, which Megan took to be from being nervous, happy, and unsure what to do. She reached out her hand and gave Deirdre a reassuring squeeze. Her smile brightened some.

Megan paid the bill and escorted Deirdre back to the car. “Shall we go for coffee before we head home?”

Deirdre just nodded and turned to look at the few stars that made it through the light pollution. Megan followed her gaze. They certainly were bright tonight. More of them made it through the light haze the city gave off.

Megan opened the car door for Deirdre and held it for her. She got around and climbed in herself, smoothing her dress out before she sat. She didn’t want a wrinkled butt at the Last Drop.

She put her hand on Deirdre’s leg again as they drove off. Deirdre covered her hand with her own and for a moment Megan was afraid she would move her hand off. But Deirdre just rested it there, trying to intertwine her fingers. She smiled as she concentrated on the roads. Things were looking up.

They pulled into the fairly full parking lot at the Last Drop. As they walked in holding hands, Megan turned to Deirdre. “You look so cute when you’re blushing.”

“You know, you certainly aren’t helping any.” chided Deirdre.

“Me?” Megan stopped and had one hand pointing to herself, eyes wide in disbelief.

“Yes, you. Stop playing innocent.” Deirdre playfully swatted Megan’s arm.

“I am so deeply sorry, what should I do for penance?”

“Get me a mocha, with extra chocolate sprinkles you cad.” said Deirdre imperially.

“Certainly my lady. I shall return anon.” Deirdre was giggling as Megan headed for the counter. She ordered quickly and brought the drinks back to the table. Deirdre happily licked apart the whipped cream. Megan just watched her transfixed.

A voice called out from the doorway, disturbing them. “Megan?”

They both turned to face the young woman who was addressing them. She was tall thin blond whose shoulder length hair drifted across her right eye. Dressed in jeans and a t-shirt proudly proclaiming her to be a ‘Naughty Faerie’. “Who’s this, a new girlfriend? I thought you were seeing Melissa?”

“Alice, I haven’t been seeing Melissa for about a month. She went home to her parents and I haven’t heard from her since. Deirdre, Alice.”

Alice put out her hand and Deirdre took it. The shake was friendly but formal. The girl pulled up a seat and joined them. Megan rolled her eyes. “So De, are you a student?”

“Yes, I am. Please call me Deirdre, I don’t like De.” Deirdre’s voice was a bit sharp, Megan figured that she was about as irritated as Megan was getting.

‘Whatever. So Megan, have you heard anything about Sarah’s Homecoming party? I heard she rented some big party room at one of those hotels. That is so cool. I’m sure they’ll have a pay bar as well. Do you think she’ll do that keg thing again? That was really good beer.”

Megan sighed. “I don’t know Alice. Sarah and I don’t talk anymore. We got into a fight at the end of last semester. She drew a knife on me. I don’t really plan on going to her party.”

“But it’s going to be one of the best parties of the year?” Alice said plaintively.

“And this is important to me why?” asked Megan, sipping her coffee.

“It’s going to be one of the biggest social events of the year, and you Don’t want to be there?”

“Alice, I don’t really enjoy large parties. I never have and I doubt I ever will. I prefer small intimate gatherings to crowds. What about you Deirdre?”

“Small groups are best.” Deirdre shifted nervously in her seat. Megan noted that Alice was looking at her kind of funny.

“Alice, if you don’t mind. I’m on a date. So could you go elsewhere.”

Alice cocked her head quizzically at Megan and Megan could almost hear the gears slowly click through her brain. “Oh. Oh...! Sorry. I guess I’ll talk to you later then. Bye.”

Both Megan and Deirdre sighed when she left. “I’m sorry Deirdre. I wasn’t expecting anything like that at all.”

“It’s not your fault that she’s pushy and an airhead.” humphed Deirdre.

“Well, no...but I brought us here. I just didn’t think we would be mugged.”

“I wasn’t expecting that either. Shall we head to my place to finish our coffee with out being disturbed?”

Megan mentally cheered. This could end up with hot sweaty sex if she was lucky. “That would be fine.”

They returned to the car and drove the short way to the apartment. Megan followed her up the stairs, watching the movement of Deirdre’s ass the whole time. She was enjoying the view. She followed Deirdre in and they both headed towards the couch.

When they sat, Megan took a chance and put her arm around Deirdre. There was a slight moment of hesitation and then Deirdre relaxed into her embrace. They both sat there sipping their coffee in the silence.

Megan kissed the top of her head softly. Her hair smelled faintly of flowery shampoo. It suited Deirdre. The girl snuggled in closer to Megan.

Megan moved forward and put her cup down on the coffee table. She turned and raised Deirdre’s head into her kiss. The taste of coffee, chocolate, and lipstick mingled in the kiss, as Deirdre opened her mouth to the kiss. The silence was filled with the sounds of their kissing and breathing.

After an indeterminate time Deirdre broke off the kiss and stood. Megan watched her rise, her heart racing, wondering what was going on. Deirdre stretched out her hand to Megan. She took it and allowed Deirdre to help her stand. Deirdre walked backwards, pulling Megan after her. She even opened the door still looking at Megan. Megan recognized what was in Deirdre’s eyes, because it matched what was in hers.

The door closed with a slight snap. They moved into each other’s arms again. Their kisses were less tentative and more frantic, as the urge grew inside. Megan lifted Deirdre’s dress free. It fell in a puddle of flowery material on the floor.

Deirdre was wearing a cute flower print underwear set. Megan smiled at that. She also looked down at the only part of Deirdre that could bother her. She saw nothing but a smooth mound. She blinked in surprise.

Deirdre undressed her as well, the LBD falling next to her dress. Megan had on a matching set on as well. They both kept kissing and fondling each other. Their hearts were racing and they forgot most everything around them. Once their bras were off and their breasts were freed, they both fell onto the bed laughing. Megan took control, feasting on the very feminine looking nipples. Deirdre moaned appreciatively.

They took turns feasting on each other. Finally, after what seemed like hours of play, nibbling, and fingering they collapsed in each other’s sweaty arms with only the sheet covering them.

---

 
Maternal Worries

“Hello?”

“Mom, it’s me...Deirdre. I really need to talk to you.” The stress in her voice should be fairly clear to her mother.

“What is it sweetie? Is something wrong?” Her mom also started to sound worried.

“Yes, there is. It’s David. He’s starting to act really weird. He comes in really late and I think he is drinking, a lot. Also he...looks at me funny.” Deirdre got up from her bed and made sure her door was locked. It was.

“Now Deirdre, I am sure you are over reacting. David drinks a little, but not a lot. Maybe he is just going out on dates?” She wasn’t certain but she didn’t think there was any real cause for Deirdre to worry herself about David.

“Mom, listen to me. Please. David is starting to act weird and it is making me worried.” Deirdre kept nervously looking towards the door. She really didn’t want David to hear her talking to mom about his drinking and other stuff.

“Did you want your father to talk to him about it? He could you know.” Her mother started to pick up on the worry that seemed to fill her son turned daughter.

“That would be good. But Mom, what am I supposed to do about the weird looks he keeps giving me. I don’t really feel safe around him. He’s starting to creep me out.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I’ve seen him stare at me. It wasn’t the kind of stare that was nice to have either. His eyes were hard and he did not look happy when he was looking at me. He hasn’t really said anything, he just keeps looking at me. I also have caught him peeking at me when I have gotten out of the shower. Mom, He’s starting to bug me and I don’t know what to do.” Deirdre could feel herself starting to choke up as the tension and fear of the situation ate at her. She really hoped her mom would listen to her and take her seriously. The only reason David was in the apartment was because her parents had forced him to watch out for her. He hadn’t wanted to be there and it showed. Why couldn’t her parents see that?

“Are you sure? Or are you just stressed and starting to see things. I know I have miss read things when I have been nervous or stressed. Could that be what is going on?” Her mom’s voice sounded hopeful. Deirdre could understand, even she didn’t want to be afraid of David.

“I don’t know Mom. He’s acting weird and I am getting worried. We’ve even begun having arguments over stupid things. Since I didn’t know what to do I thought I’d call you.” Deirdre was sure how worried she was came through her voice. It sounded shaky even to her. She got up and checked the lock again.

“Alright, sweetie. I’ll talk to your father and have him talk to David. If you are really worried just try to stay out of his way. He’ll calm down in a bit. Don’t worry, he’s your brother. You know he loves you.”

“You’re right Mom. I’m just worried and nervous. This whole thing hasn’t been easy on any of us I guess. I’ll try to stop worrying so much about him.”

‘That’s my girl.”

“Thanks Mom.”

“No problem honey. It’s what Mom’s do. You have been both the son I wanted and the daughter I never had. I love you very much Deirdre. This has been hard and stressful. Your Dad’s starting to cope better and given time I’m sure David will as well. We all support you. I just wish you had talked to us instead of trying to kill yourself. I was so scared when I came in the bathroom and the tub was red. I didn’t want to lose my baby. What ever the reason for cutting your wrists I would have understood and tried to work with you.”

“I know that now Mom, but then I felt like a freak and all alone. I tried to kill myself because I couldn’t take it any more. I thought no one would understand and I didn’t believe you would love me anymore. It was dumb, but that’s how I felt.” Deirdre started to play with her hair nervously.

“Deirdre, listen to me. You are my child. I carried you for nine months and pushed you out of myself. I nursed you and changed you. How could I love you any less for you growing up to be your own person?” Deirdre smiled a little.

“I know Mom. There are still times where I wish this hadn’t happened to me. I never wanted this. I didn’t ask for this. I got stuck with it. And I found myself in a bind of either killing myself or becoming something I was afraid of. I was so scarred of losing you and Dad and David that it seemed easier to kill myself.”

The line was silent for a while. Deirdre could hear breathing from the other end of the line. “Sweetie. As we both told you in the hospital, we love you. No, this hasn’t been easy. And your father and I often wish there had been some other way to deal with this, but you are our kid. What were we going to do, abandon you to your pain? All that would have accomplished would have been your death. We would have loved for our little boy to be fine. But you are turning into a wonderful daughter. It just takes time to get used to such changes.”

“But it’s been over a year...” Deirdre’s voice was plaintive.

“And you had been our son for nineteen years before that. That is scarcely enough time to cope with the change. We know that things have changed and we are still getting used to it. We love you, for you. We would have preferred if this hadn’t happened but there you are. Life is what it is Deirdre. God has things happen for his reasons. Sometimes you just have to rely on faith that God’s plan makes sense. God gave you a tough path sweetie, but I’m sure he thought you could handle it.”

“Thanks Mom. This is hard on me as well. I’m doing fine, so far but I am so glad I am still in therapy. This would be a lot harder without you and Dad and the doc and Megan.”

The tension shifted again. “How is she?”

“Not bad. I think she is doing better in classes than I am. She asked about you today, wondering how you and Dad were doing. She also said to thank you for lunch last weekend and is wondering when we can get together again.”

“This is another one of those things I’m still trying to understand. It is obvious how much both of you care for each other, it’s just that I was getting ready for your first boyfriend. I wasn’t expecting you to start dating girls again.”

“I wasn’t either, but I’m happy with her. Megan jokingly said that my love of women must be some boyish part of me left. So in a way I am still your son, at least in who I choose to date.”

“She is a nice girl.” Deirdre could hear the smile. “I can see why you care for her. Just use protection if you have sex.”

“Mom!”

“What? You’re not having sex?”

“That’s not the point.”

“What is?”

“I... I... uh’m not sure. But it is not talking about my sex life with my Mom.”

“Deirdre, I had sex. Your father had sex. We both still have sex...”

“Ewwwwww....”

“...and we assume our children are having sex. It’s a normal part of a relationship. It’s weird gaining a daughter and finding out she’s a lesbian but your father is dealing with that part of it quite well. I’m still working on it, because it sounds odd to me. But you two seem happy. So I mostly think about that.”

“Mom, I’m infertile.”

“So you can’t get pregnant. But I do remember the doctor saying that as long as you had testicles you would have sperm. That means she can get pregnant. While I would love to be a grandma, this may be a bit early. And don’t forget disease.”

“Yes Mother.”

Her mother started laughing. Deirdre rolled her eyes and shook her head. “It’s not funny Mom.”

“Yes it is. That was the same tone I used when I had this talk with your Grandma. Oh... what a memory.” Her voice was warm. Deirdre relaxed.

“Sweetie, can you at least believe that your father and I want you to be happy?”

“Yes.”

“We know this isn’t easy for you. It’s not easy on us. But we want you to be happy. And your Dad will talk to David and try to find out what’s up. He’s only there because your Dad and I are worried about you.”

“I know mom.”

“Then don’t stress so much. Say hello to Megan for us and keep up those grades.”

“Yes Mom.”

“I love you Deirdre.”

“I love you too, Mom.”

---

 
The Sword of Damocles
 
 
Deirdre was in the kitchen fixing something to eat when she heard the front door slam open. Her eyes opened worriedly and she kept stirring her noodles. If it was David, she really hoped he wouldn’t come around the corner into their little kitchen/ dining room area. She preferred to hide from him. There was something going on with him and it made her nervous.

She could hear him stomping into the house, then the footsteps stopped. He heard the sound of David collapsing onto the couch. The TV barked into life. She heard the channel change until it stopped on some sort of sports game. She thought it was football. The walls of the house trembled with anticipation. Something was really bothering David and she figured that they were going to end up yelling at each other again. They had been fighting more lately over stupid things. She wondered what it would be about this time.

She finished cooking and ate what little of her ramen that she could. Her stomach was jumpy with the prospect of another argument. She cleaned up her dishes and put them in the drying rack. If she was lucky she could just make it back into her room and get back to working on her English paper. It was due tomorrow and she really didn’t need this. She took a deep breath in and blew it out slowly. She calmed down some and felt like she was ready to face her brother.

She rounded the corner and David was sitting on the couch looking disheveled. His hair was tousled and it looked as if he hadn’t shaved that morning. His eyes looked a little red as well, with his cheeks flushed. Deirdre wasn’t sure what was wrong but this was not a good sign. He was still wearing his leather jacket and she could smell the booze from where she was.

Deirdre tried to walk past. But David’s voice stopped her. “Why, John?”

Deirdre tensed. “Why what?”

“Why did you have to do this to us?” David’s voice was flat with some bitter undertones.

Deirdre paused and stood looking at David, who still watched the screen. “David, I didn’t try to do anything to anyone. I was just trying to be myself.”

“At the cost of all of us. How selfish can one person be?” David turned and faced Deirdre. She shrank against the wall under his gaze. His eyes were hard and a little bloodshot. David did not look good. Her heart began to race and her palms began sweating.

“You had to be your precious ‘self’. Did you ever think, even once, what the cost to the rest of us would be? Ever?”

“What do you want me to say, I’m sorry? Well, fine. I’m sorry David. I’m sorry my attempt at being happy has cost you. It wasn’t my plan.” She wiped her hands on her pants.

“What was your plan? To become something you’re not?” He sneered the last. His gaze was obviously disapproving. There was still an undercurrent of anger that seemed to be building, which worried Deirdre.

“David, this is what and who I am. I am not trying to lie to people.”

“Oh...so you tell everybody, look at me, I’m a little fairy. I was born with a penis but now I wear dresses. I’m a girl now.” David’s hands fluttered alongside as he mocked her.

“Asshole! That’s not true.” Deirdre’s fear was turning into anger. She moved from the safety of the wall a step towards her brother.

“Sure it is. You couldn’t handle being who you are so you decided to see if life would be better if you were something else. That’s chickenshit. My brother wasn’t that much of a chickenshit.”

“Do you think going through transition is easy? This is tough as hell. It takes all of my courage. I have been fighting to be myself David. Why don’t you understand?”

“Understand that you’re a coward? I already figured that out when you cut your wrists.”

“How is killing myself a cowardly act?”

“You were running from your problems instead of dealing with them. You copped out. Just like now.”

“Fine. I’ll give you suicide as a cop out, but this is not a copout. This is my life. I was ready to kill myself when I was not ready to deal with this. I lived and am now trying to become what I had been hiding from. What’s chickenshit about that?”

“Look at what you’ve become! A simpering shemale, pretending to be a girl. You are not my brother! My brother wouldn’t have done this to his family! I wish you had died, instead of this!”
 

*          *          *
 
End of Chapter 8
 
 
To Be Continued...

---

 
A Bath Before Dying
 
 

John placed the candles around the bathroom. He wanted to make sure they were in good positions. He wanted the room to be filled with the warm light of the candles. He had anointed them with olive oil and had said prayers over them.

He had also gotten a stick of incense out for the occasion. It was a bit large, but he liked the rich rose smell that it gave off when lit. The stick should burn for about forty minutes or so. The smell would linger in the small space of the bathroom even longer.

His regrets rose in his thoughts as he got everything ready. They had been doing that a lot recently and it was getting harder to concentrate on anything.

When he was five he remembered being jealous because this girl had on a pretty dress and he didn’t. He told her that he liked her dress and she had laughed at him. He had felt so embarrassed and shamed that day.

And that hadn’t been the last. Apparently, the little girl had shared his comments and the girls tormented him with it. They brought dresses for him to try on to school and that didn’t help with his making friends with the boys.

He remembered when the girls forced him into a dress at recess. He had thought he had looked so pretty. The girls were all smiling at him. When recess was over the trouble began. The teacher was upset. The girls claimed he had done it on his own and the boys started calling him a fag and a sissy. The girls had hidden his boy’s clothes so he couldn’t change. His mom had picked him up from school. He had burned from the shame.

The next day he had been beaten up for the first time.

The girls had cheered on the beating. The ring of boys and girls had shielded the fight from the teachers. John had limped home, sore and with the painful wedgie still impacted into him. He began to withdraw into himself from there. To be himself was to hurt. The first of the masks were raised.

He got out the knife that he had brought up for this. The straight edged blade was sharp. He had sharpened it to make sure it would cut true. He set it down reverently on the edge of the tub.

He had tried to talk to his Sunday School teacher. Jesus loved the little children. God made all people. Surely God could help him. He had told her what he had felt and how God could help him. She had looked surprised and worried. “These thoughts are from Satan Johnny. The Devil is trying to confuse you. God will protect you if you fight against the Devil’s urges. He made you a boy for a reason Johnny. God doesn’t make mistakes.”

Another mask raised.

John stepped into the water. He flinched a little. The heat almost scalded him. His skin grew tight and red. He stepped his other foot in.

He had buried that urge, that girl’s urge that filled him. He was a boy. God didn’t make mistakes. He would be a boy, like God wanted. However, he wasn’t sure what that meant.

He watched and followed David even more than before. His brother was strong, could fight, and seemed to be everything a boy was meant to be. He copied his big brother. Did everything he could to be like him. He liked it when David ruffled his hair and called him Squirt. His brother would make him a man.

Adventure films also taught him what he needed to know. I mean why be a girl? Girls were weak. Girls needed to be saved. They screamed a lot. However, they were good for kissing. Boys were the ones who did everything important. He could be a hero, but only if he was a boy.

Another mask raised.

John lowered himself into the water. He had to stop when the water reached his genitals. The pain was intense. John forced himself into the water. He lay back and tried to relax, keeping both wrists under the water. His heart pounded.

He had watched girls a lot. That wasn’t out of the ordinary. All boys were watching girls. He just had conflicting emotions. John could never figure out why he was jealous when he saw a pretty girl, or a nice outfit, or especially when they started to develop. It confused him and he felt himself beginning to come apart. He asserted his identity and buried the feelings as best as they could.

Another mask.

John often felt like two different people. When around the guys he was fine. He was a guy among guys. He almost felt normal. Around girls, things got confusing. He had really forgotten what his emotions were like so he wasn’t sure what he felt anymore. He got shy and tongue tied. He teased them and wished they would kiss him. He had to be man enough for them.

Another.

His mother’s satiny panties slid up his peach fuzzed legs and pulled tight against his crotch. The material was wonderful. He felt himself grow hard within her underwear. He looked at himself in the mirror and decided to see how he would look in her bra as well.

Another.

She had caught him after he had been doing the crossdressing for a while. He had two pairs socks in the bra for tits and hose on, to make her shoes fit better, especially the heels. The dress he had on his mother rarely wore. Today was the first time he had braved her make up. He did not know why dressing this way made him feel better, but it did. He also got excited, and he had learned how to deal with that.

She had yelled at him. Telling him that wasn’t what boys did. She had used a wet wipe to scrub the make up off John. She was angry and a little disgusted.

Another.

He found he could not help himself. Even when he had told himself over and over that wearing his mother’s clothes was wrong. He would wear her dirty clothes. He was safer in the basement than in her room. And when he exploded after masturbation he could easily clean up.

Another.

John picked up the knife and stared at it. The knife looked wet in the flickering light of the candles. Steam misted parts of the blade. He breathed in deep, settling his soul. This bright blade would end his pain and silence his regrets forever. He exhaled slowly. He was almost ready.

The dreams he had had changed into fantasies where his family had died and his only salvation was to hide out as a girl. To be a girl as much as possible or he would be found and killed. The dreams were comforting and disturbing.

Another.

Tammy had thought it was cute when she had dressed up John. John never minded and it always led to great sex. Thrusting into her, with the bra tight against his chest, the skirt hiked up to his hip was an amazing sensation that made his head spin. He was sure he loved her.

Another.

Tammy had told others of the dressing and he had to deal with more grief from girls. But thankfully it was almost summer. They would forget with time.

He was still able to dress on weekends when he went to Rocky Horror at the movie theatre. He had gotten the part of Frank N Furter and he loved prancing in the heels and underwear. He felt closer to himself and he didn’t know why.

Another.

The knife easily split his flesh open and the blood began to be stained a deep red. He did his other wrist and set the blade down on the edge of the tub. The cuts had stung but the hot water had sort of made the action bearable. He blinked away the tears of pain and rested back in the tub, his wrists pulsing blood.

Estelle had helped him dress as a medieval maiden for Halloween once. That had been fun. Few people could tell it was him and that had made him happy. He had never told Estelle why he had enjoyed himself so much. He felt real and he felt fake as John.

Another.

John had begun to have difficulty. He was falling apart. He didn’t feel real any more. He wanted to be a girl, but he was a boy. That was wrong. God had said so. But the Goddess didn’t mind. Did she? Estelle had kissed him when he was in the dress. He liked wearing her clothes. He had stolen some of her panties. They were nice. Girls weren’t hairy. They didn’t have penises. Then how could he be a girl? He was, wasn’t he. But he had a penis. What was he?

Another.

John found that he was getting tired and thirsty. His eyes were getting heavy. The water was warm and he was relaxing.

The slap had stung when Gwen had slapped him. She had come home from class early and found him in her clothes. She had screamed at him as he had struggled to put his own clothes on. Freak! A fucking Freak! That was what he was. Nothing but a freak! A betrayer of trusts and a liar. Never let me see you again!

Another.

He had curled up and sobbed as his life spun out of control. What was he? Why was this happening to him? What had he become? Was he a man? Was he a woman? What the hell was he? Why did this have to happen to him? Why couldn’t he be normal, like everyone else? He didn’t want to be a freak. He just wanted to be himself, whatever the hell that was. Why did he feel dressed up as a woman? Why did he feel false dressed in his own clothes?

Another.

John drifted a bit more. The pain was fading. He didn’t care any more. His pain was going away. He wouldn’t have to worry about that pain or the not knowing. He was bleeding away into peace. Girl? guy? It didn’t matter. Soon he would be dead.

.

…

......

........

...........

............... maybe this wasn’t such a bright idea after all.

---

 
The Hammer Falls
 
 

Deirdre stood there stunned, as if he had hit her. “Is that what you want David? For me to have died?”

The words came out scarcely above a whisper.

David glared at her, clenching and unclenching his fists, and barked out, “Hell yes! Look at all you have done to us all. If you had died, things would still be good. Sure my baby brother would be gone but I wouldn’t have a freak living in his place!”

Deirdre recoiled as if slapped. The venom in the words was palpable. So was the heavy smell of alcohol on his breath. She hadn’t really noticed how strong it was before, but it was clear now. As was his anger.

“I loved my baby brother. I fought for him. I looked out for him. I did everything I could for him, to help him grow up and be a man. Then you came along. I wish mom hadn’t found you in time for them to have saved you. They said if it had only been fifteen minutes later, it would have been too late. Fifteen fucking minutes.” David pulled a bottle from his coat and took a long pull from it. He sighed. “Fifteen minutes more and my brother would have died, but we would have been spared you.”

“You would rather I was dead?” Deirdre’s voice shook.

“Hell yes! Look at you! You’re a goddamn freak! Prancing around as if you were a girl. How can you stand knowing everyone is laughing at you?”

“They are not laughing at me David. I am a girl to everyone but you apparently. Why are you laughing?” Deirdre kept her voice level and clam. She felt like she was on a roller coaster ride hurtling out of control.

“I’m not laughing. Do I look like I’m laughing?” David growled this out, glaring at Deirdre. “All I ever wanted was for my little brother to be happy. And you… you fucking killed him.”

The words hung heavily in the air. Deirdre tried to say something twice before the words finally came out. “David, I’m still here. And this is what makes me happy. I had hoped you would understand. You always told me about the importance of being yourself, of standing your ground, of facing off against anyone who thought they knew me better than myself.”

“I didn’t think those words would make you a fairy.”

“But David, I still like women. Doesn’t that matter?”

“Oh... you mean your little lezzy girlfriend? Oh, sure. What do you do for her bro, bang her with your shemale cock? Or does she fuck you with a strap on?”

Deirdre gaped, unable to answer.

“Oh... yeah. I am sure you want to get real cock as well. Isn’t that why you wanted to be a girl John? So you could justify your need to get fucked.” He drank again from his bottle.

‘That is not why I did this!”

“Sure. Then why did you Johnny?” David said, sneering.

“I did this so I could be me, the me you always encouraged me to be.”

“I never encouraged you to be a girl!” screamed David at the top of his voice.

“Damnit David, if you think I chose this path to spite you you’re messed up. I wanted to die rather than deal with this. Do you think for a moment that I thought this would be some sort of fun game?”

“How the fuck should I know. You closed me out John. You pranced around, doing your little girly things, growing your girly tits and what about me? You left me behind without looking back. You obviously wanted something I couldn’t give you.”

“I was trying to find myself!! Jesus Christ David, this whole thing has nothing to do with you. Why would it? It was me dealing with me and trying to keep from killing myself. Shit, I’m finally happy and you start this.”

“John, you look stupid. How could you do this?”

“I did it so I wouldn’t die! How many times do I have to tell you that David. I didn’t do it because I wanted cock, I didn’t do it so I could be a little fairy, I did it because it was let that part of me come to life or fucking die!! What is so god damn hard to understand about that?!” screamed Deirdre, glaring angrily at her brother.

“You fucking faggot, don’t go preaching to me! You think it was this or die? Fine. But you didn’t even have the courtesy to die. You stayed alive and drug all of us into this fucking hell with you.”

“My life isn’t hell!”

“The Hell it’s not! I lost my friends, Johnny, my friends I had since I was four! I lost my girl, because she was afraid I might have caught whatever it was you had. I lost everything, all because little Johnny wanted some man meat to break him in.”

“I do not fucking want any god damn man meat!” Deirdre was ready to take a swing at her brother at that.

“Then why were you swapping spit with dreads boy?”

Deirdre again stopped as if someone had thrown ice water on her. She couldn’t think of anything to say.

“I guess you’re still the coward you have always been. I bet you just want to be broken in but are afraid, isn’t that right Johnny boy? You want dread boy’s prick inside you? Scared of it?” He pulled again from the bottle. Deirdre could smell it clearly on David’s breath.

“I am going to my room, you prick! Sober up before we continue this. You need help David, and I am not going to stand here and be yelled at by a drunk.” She started to storm out of the room.

Deirdre was slammed into the wall by his backhand. Her lip split where his class ring had hit her. She looked up in fright as his fist slammed into her stomach. She looked up from the ground at him, mouth bleeding, and heart pounding in fear. The look on his face scared her more than anything else had in her life. “Oh no Johnny, we’re going to finish this now. I’ll help you get past your fear. I’ll break you in.”

His fist plowed into her right eye and she rolled backwards. “If you want to be a girl, I’ll help you. Welcome to womanhood Johnny.”

---

 
The Stuff of Love
 
 

Megan cuddled Deirdre closer to her as they watched the movie. It was a romantic comedy they had both wanted to see so they had picked up the movie, a nice feel good “Chick Flick”. Neither of them minded in the least, warm in each other’s arms. Megan pulled up on of Deirdre’s wrists and kissed the thin ridge of scar tissue lovingly.

“It’s funny to think that I never would have met you if you hadn’t tried to kill yourself.”

“That’s funny?” Deirdre shifted a little to be able to look into Megan’s face.

“Mostly from the perspective of who knows what leads to the now. We met because of the chain of events that got started when you cut your wrists. Your dying would have been bad, but your mom caught you before that. And now I caught you. See... funny.” Megan chuckled a little.

“You’re weird.”

“Like you have room to talk. Of course, I think your brother may win between the three of us.”

“How so?” asked Deirdre, as she snuggled closer again.

“Did you see how he goggled like a fish when we walked out of your bedroom? Eyes bulging and mouth wide like a fishes. It was funny. I was almost flattered when he blurted out, ‘But you’re a girl?’ Poor David, I thought he was going to have a stroke.” Megan laughed at the memory.

“Yeah, that was funny. But then I had to explain the whole situation to my mom, thanks to him. Whee. That reminds me, she wants to meet you next weekend.”

“Great, now the parental fun begins.” grumbled Megan.

“She’s not so bad. She has been really supportive of me through this. We can do lunch or something. It won’t be that bad. I promise.” Deirdre kissed her cheek.

Megan hugged her again. “Fine. But then I’ll force you to meet my folks. My dad is fairly traditional Japanese, sort of. You’ll see. He doesn’t mind my life style so much as when I failed to follow him in the family business. That irritated him.”

“What’s the family business?”

“Do you really want to know?”

“Yes. What is it?” begged Deirdre.

“Martial Arts. It’s a family tradition. Since I have no brothers, it needs to go to me. I’m just not sure I want to do that. My dad is trying to be understanding, but it’s a sore point.”

“That must be hard.” Deirdre looked up at her again. “Is your mom fine with things?”

“Sort of. We had gotten this all hashed out when I was in High School. They were more against my going into the military than my liking girls.”

“Weren’t they proud of you?”

“Eventually. But it took a while. They wanted me to go to school first. Now that the government is paying for my school, they don’t mind as much. They appreciate how I saved them money.” Megan chuckled again.

“Thank you.” said Deirdre.

“For what?”

“For being with me.”

“Why shouldn’t I be?”

“Well, I’m not like other girls, for one. I come with my own baggage.”

“Sweetie, everyone has baggage. I care about you, because you are worth caring about. I love you. You are fun, smart, and cute, a quick study in bed, can cook, and I enjoy being with you. Is it so hard to understand that?” Megan held her face and gazed into Deirdre’s eyes. She kissed her nose softly.

“I’m just not used to that. You take me as I am. I have been so used to being someone else that this feels weird.” Deirdre’s voice slid towards sorrow.

“Hey, now. Can’t you cope with the fact that I love you? I do. So cheer up or its tickle time!”

Deirdre squeaked. “I’ll be good. I’ll be good.”

Megan started tickling her anyhow. They both squirmed and eventually fell off the couch laughing.

“I love you Megan.”

“I love you to Deirdre.” Megan leaned forward and kissed her deeply. “Want to do something other than watch the movie?”

“Oh what ever could that be she asked shyly.” replied Deirdre.

“Come with me little girl and I’ll show you.”

Hand in hand, they entered into Deirdre’s room.

---

 
A Bitter Concern
 
 

David’s fist hurt a little from the punches but it felt good, right, just. He hauled up his little fag brother again. John’s face was starting to swell from where he had punched him. Blood was flowing freely down John’s face from his nose, across his split lip. David smiled as he punched John in the stomach again. He watched as John folded over his arm, his strong manly arm, hair covering the length of it.

He looked down at John, coughing on the ground, at his long hair, his thin arms, and his breasts. His breasts. David smiled evilly, pulled the bottle from his jacket, and took another long pull from it. The alcohol burned cleanly down his throat and made him feel justified. Yes, this would be satisfying. If John really wanted to be a girl, then David would be glad to help him. He would break his brother in, so that all of his boyfriends and his sicko girlfriend could fuck him all they wanted, just like Johnny wanted. Yes, that would be a good service. And if he wasn’t the first, it would just prove what a fag John was.

David reached down and hauled John up by his long brown hair, his hand twisting around a fistful. John moaned in pain and he struggled to his feet. David shoved him against the couch, so his shemale brother would be supported. It would not do to make him uncomfortable now would it? A deep, menacing chuckle filled David’s throat.

One by one, he tore the buttons off John’s blouse and bared his brother’s bra clad breasts. They were at least a B cup, if not larger. They definitely looked like a girl’s breasts. They filled the satiny material roundly. Not like freak breasts, not like freak breasts at all. They looked very real to David. John muttered no and David slapped him to shut him up.

“Well, well, Johnny, looks like you’ve been growing. Must have been drinking your milk. Let’s see those tits you are so proud of.” John struggled some but David just slapped him again. The front close bra came off with little effort after that.

His nipples were still filling in, but they had swelled out and the areolas were wide and deep rose. They did not look like a man’s breasts. They looked just like a woman’s. Like all the women’s breasts David had caressed and sucked and nibbled on. They looked familiar to David, despite being his brother’s. David enjoyed the sight and took another hard swig from the bottle. It sloshed as it emptied into him. He tossed the bottle to the side and ignored the sound of it breaking.

Yeah, this was obviously what John wanted. He wanted to be a woman so David would treat him like one. He would treat John like he had wanted to treat other women. He was only doing what his little brother wanted him to do. Right?

He reached out and started fondling John’s tits, gently. The skin was soft and it moved under his large hands as in his memory. A little blood had dripped from John’s chin and had spattered on the pale skin. David rubbed it in. Red streaks across the white skin. He pinched John’s nipples like he would have with one of his dates. They stiffened under the contact. David smiled toothily.

“Dav... David... pwease don’b do tis!” There was a look in Deirdre’s eyes that David had never really seen before and it confused him. Her eyes were wide with full pupils. They seemed to be pulsing a little. He couldn’t tell panic when he saw it.

“Hush, John. You like this and you know it. Don’t deny it. Look, your nipples got hard. Girl’s nipples get hard when they are enjoying themselves. See?” John gasped as David pinched both nipples hard, shaking the breasts a little to watch them jiggle. It was a pleasant sight.

Yes, this was what John wanted. His breathing had deepened. He must be enjoying it. After all, David was only doing this for him. Yes, he was going to fuck his shemale brother, because that was what John wanted. He was simply being a good brother, right? David laughed. John flinched from the sound.

“David... pwease.... gowd, pwease don’b do tis! Pwease... I won’b tell onb you.”

David slapped her again, and then held his head almost tenderly. He didn’t want to hurt him but he was making David do this. “Johnny, Johnny, hush now. There’s a good little fairy. I am only thinking of you right now. Your big brother will break you in so all those other dicks you want to suck and fuck won’t be so bad. I’ll make you feel like a woman alright. Isn’t that considerate of me? Isn’t that what you wanted?”

John tried to move through the couch, to get away from him, to escape. David grabbed him and shook him roughly. “Damnit, you want to be a girl John, then take it like a girl!”

He punched her again in the stomach and flinched as blood spattered on his shirt when air exploded out of John in a rush. He sighed, exhasperated, he had liked that shirt. Maybe Mom could help him get the stain out? She knew how to do things like that. David used the pause, while John collapsed to the floor again, to take another drink. The bottle was not there and he was a bit confused by that. Yep, he sure was starting to feel good now. If this worked out, he might not mind John being a fairy as much. Surely fucking a shemale in the ass didn’t make someone like him gay, did it? Surely not! It’s not like he would be doing the sucking and being fucked. And if the same shemale sucked his cock all to the good.

David waited calmly for John to stop coughing blood on the carpet. He reached down and grabbed John’s hair again. He pulled him up, tearing some hair out in the process. “Sorry about the hair Johnny. I just wanted to get you up.”

John sagged against the couch. His eyes had nearly swollen shut and the flow of blood from his nose was slowing. He was panicking and his breath was coming in gasps. David was too strong for him to resist and there was way to escape. He started crying.

David reached out and undid the button and zipper of Deirdre’s jeans. He spun her about and reached for them. He tugged them down to her ankles. He lifted her feet one at a time to get the jeans off. John was wearing these cute panties with flowers on them. David enjoyed the view. John’s ass had filled out nicely. It looked sexy.

David could feel the growing hardness of his cock starting to throb in time to his heart. Damnit if his brother didn’t look hot in panties, with his wide hips and nice ass. The panties also looked good, pulling up the crack of the ass a little, emphasizing the swell of his cheeks. This was going to be good. That ass screamed to be fucked.

“Hush now John. I’m going to fuck you, just like you want. Don’t worry, Big Brother will make a woman out of you.” With that, he pulled the panties to John’s feet. He struggled to get the feet spread until the panties worked themselves off one of John’s feet. He started stroking John’s ass with one hand while he undid his own pants with the other. He could feel John tremble under his light touch. It must be with anticipation. John must be looking forward to this, thought David. His cock throbbed in anticipation.

His cock sprung free of the band of his BVD’s and rubbed across John’s ass. It felt soft to David, nice, like the skin of the last girl he had fucked in the ass. Those memories, of the blond girl he had met at some bar and had fucked all night helped fuel his desire. Her name teased him but it didn’t come clear.

He was ready. He spit in his hand and coated his cock with the saliva. He spit again and rubbed it on John’s anus. The ring of muscle was tight and tried to resist David’s probing finger. David gave his brother’s ass a light slap. “Just relax John. If you fight this, it will hurt more. I don’t want you to hurt when I make you the woman you wanted to be. Aren’t I a nice brother?”

As David was working his finger in and out, stretching out his brother’s ass for his dick, he heard the sound of keys in the lock of the front door. He turned to see the door open and that Asian chick that was hot for his shemale brother come in. There was a long moment where they both stood there gazing at each other across the room. David was sure she would understand what he was doing as he was merely helping John. David felt a little embarrassed to be having his dick hanging out, but that was about it. Maybe he should apologize? Maybe he should explain this to her so she might join in?

Megan shifted a little and then his world exploded.

---

 
Angelic Embrace
 
 

Megan wanted to come by and surprise Deirdre. Lately, Deirdre had been busy with an English project and was busy trying to get that paper done so she could turn it in on time. True, it was only five pages but she was stressing over it. A surprise visit from the girlfriend would definitely help relieve the stress. That and the thought of kissing her made Megan’s nipples crinkle with excitement. There was just something about Deirdre that made Megan happier than she had ever been with any other girl she had dated. Perhaps Deirdre was the one.

The fact that the thought came up really rocked Megan back on her heals. Deirdre... the transsexual... the ex-male... she was her special girl? She stopped and let that thought roll over her for a minute, seeing how it felt. She was serious. Deirdre felt like the one, despite all of that other stuff. Despite having been a man. Despite still having a penis. Despite everything. Deirdre was the girl she loved and wanted to be with forever. She shook her head in amazement. Megan could hardly wait to see her.

She bounded up the stairs to the apartment and dug for her keys in her purse. Of all the times to shove them in to her purse automatically. She sighed in acceptance of her foibles. The key slid into the lock and she heard the lock slide back. She walked into the living room smiling and stopped, frozen by the scene before her.

David was standing there with his dick in his hand and it looked like Deirdre was bent over the couch. She noted the blood on David’s shirt and when Deirdre looked up in surprise, she saw the condition of her love’s face. There was blood on the carpet and there were obviously some signs of struggle. Deirdre’s clothes had been tossed away, though the panties Megan had bought her were hanging from one ankle. The air left her slowly.

Time dilated as she began to move. David was turning towards her as if trying to say something. She drove her fist into his solar plexus making him gasp for air at the same time she had freed her pepper spray on her key chain with her other hand. She gave him a full and concentrated blast in his mouth, nose, and eyes as she turned her head to avoid back blast. David screamed and his hands flew to his face. She followed this with a kick to the side of his knee that dropped him to the ground, spinning. She brought the heel of her hand down on to the base of his skull and watched the body slump into unconsciousness. She checked his pulse quickly, making sure she had not killed him. When she felt the throb of his pulse, she relaxed. It had all taken seconds to end the danger.

She stood and grabbed Deirdre gently, rocking her slightly. The poor girl was naked, bruised, and bloody. Her eyes were wide with terror and relief. Deirdre shook heavily with shock. Megan could feel her girlfriend’s pulse racing under her hands. Megan was slowly starting to move out of time dilation as she took in Deirdre’s condition. “Here sweetie, sit on the couch. I’ll get you a blanket. I’ll be right back.”

Deirdre stumbled around the couch, helped by Megan and collapsed onto the sofa, resting on one of the arms. Megan rushed to Deirdre’s room and grabbed the light blanket from the bed they had shared a number of times. It would smell like both of them. By the time she returned to the living room, the sobbing had begun.

She wrapped Deirdre gently and held her close. Deirdre clung to her desperately, whatever words she was trying to say drowned by the sobs. Megan kissed the wounded girl’s forehead softly, brushing her hair with one hand. “It’s okay Deirdre. It’s over. You’re okay. I stopped him. You’re okay.”

The gentling seemed to be working. The sobbing slowed into crying and shaking. She kept murmuring words of comfort until she heard a moan escape from David. Megan took this as a good sign to take further action and dug for her phone. She quickly dialed 911. The operator answered promptly. “911, how can I help you?”

“I’d like to report an assault and attempted rape at the following address,” Megan rattled off the information slowly and precisely, like she had been trained to do. “The perpetrator is currently unconscious. I rendered him so when I came across the situation. The victim is a twenty year old female with multiple contusions. She is in shock and he is injured as well. Will need both officers and a paramedic at the scene. Please send someone immediately.”

The 911 operator asked a few more questions about her and the situation. Megan rattled off the information with a calm precision that the military had drummed into her over the years of service. This was like so many other bits of battlefield information she had called in or crimes she had dealt with. Once she had given the operator all the information she wanted, Megan was informed that there were officers in route. Megan thanked the operator as she hung up, telling the woman that she could hear sirens in the distance, getting closer. She hugged Deirdre to her again and waited for the police, murmuring words of comfort.

---

 
Maternal Reflections
 
 

Melody ran outside screaming happily. The little six year old was dressed in a bright blue play jumper that was just like her eyes. The puppy loped behind her, bounding almost in time with the little girl.

Deirdre watched the scene happily, smiling from inside the house. Melody was such a beautiful little girl who looked just like her mother. She had Megan’s hair and nose. Some of the other features were from the donor the two of them had chosen and they were okay with that. They had both agreed on the choice and had happily begun the pregnancy.

Deirdre remembered her sympathy weight gain and pains. It had been touching, but funny. Megan had laughed at her when they were both waddling around the park for exercise. They both had so much fun reading to Megan’s swelling belly and playing music to it as well. It had been a great time of coming together. They had never felt so close.

It had taken them four weeks to finally decide on a name after the ultrasound revealed it was a girl. They had gone through baby book after baby book and had consulted both sets of parents. Melody was the only name everyone managed to agree on. Some of the ones they had rejected were a little scary. She thought it was funny the kind of names they had chosen. Thankfully, some sanity had returned when they checked the names to see if their child would get beaten up in school.

The grandparents all doted on her. Melody had wanted for nothing. Both sets of Grandparents had bought all sorts of clothes, dolls, and furniture for her. That had freed up enough money for Megan and her to get the house, which had been nice.

It was hard to believe that she and Megan had been together for over ten years now. They had managed to get married before Deirdre’s surgery would make it more difficult. Despite legislation, they had found a way to get together legally. Megan had stayed with her through the difficulty of surgery, dilation, and recovery. Megan had also laughed at her during her first ob-gyn appointment when the stirrups came out, and the duck bill went in. Her eyes had gotten large is surprise with how cold it had been. The two of them were happy and it showed.

It had not always been easy but they had been there, together, and that had helped. She remembered the ramen days with a smile and the days when they had been without a car or a phone. It had gotten better when they had graduated and got real work. Life certainly had given them an E ticket ride.

The pictures that covered the wall told part of that history, but certainly not all of it. The pictures didn’t tell about the phone call many years ago when David had called her and apologized to her for everything he had done. There were no pictures for that. No pictures of her shock and surprise. No pictures of the resentment and anger that was still there after years of therapy. David had also said that he still had trouble coping and would be staying away for his own good. He didn’t want to snap like he had before and even the idea of that happening scared him away. Prison had shown him that and had helped him deal with what he had become. He cared about her, even loved her, but was not able to deal with her, at least not yet. And David was sorry for that.

Melody would probably never meet her Uncle, but he had always sent her a present on her birthday. It was a start. Maybe time would help him get past his problems, but that was not Deirdre’s concern. David had to come to terms with himself, just like she had all those years ago.

Megan would be home from work soon. Deirdre started to get supper ready. She was making pasta, which was a family favorite. She had found she had enjoyed being the stay at home mom. PTA, school meetings, cleaning and cooking, she found those tasks fun and fulfilling, which had been a surprise. She even ran a website for the local PTA. That brought in some extra money. She was content and at peace with herself. She guessed time could heal most anything.

Deirdre got the sauce going and cooked up a little Italian sausage to go with it. She also fixed something for Melody. Their daughter was still a messy eater. She figured that she would always be that way.

Still lost in memories, she remembered the tear filled first day of school for her daughter. It had been a painful moment for Melody, she had cried before she had gone into class as she wanted her mommies. Despite everything, she had enjoyed herself, but it had been tough at the beginning. Normal life had the funniest way of being interesting despite the lack of events. Daily things held her interest enough for now.

Megan came in the house and headed straight for her, hugging her tightly. “Hey there Deirdre. How was your day?”

Deirdre kissed her, “Not too bad. Just been wandering through memories.”

“Woolgathering again? Sometimes I wonder why you do that to yourself. You get maudlin at times.”

“Well, sometimes, but I am getting better. I was thinking about how things have changed. It is hard to look back and see how I got here from there. So much has changed in ten years. It’s amazing.”

“Sweetie, don’t worry about it. I love you and I want to stay with you forever. The past has gone on its way. Let’s worry about the future.”