“You did this for me as much as for you; I agree, and I want you to know that I’m not only okay with it, I embrace it as well.”
So once again, “Are you sure?” was asked, but quickly followed by, “If you say,’ as ever was,’ please be sure to add, ‘darlin’ to it.”
“As ever was, no. Not at all, but as sure as anyone can be about something like this, my sweet darlin’ wife,” which produced a broad beaming grin from Gina.
This scene might have appeared somewhat odd, perhaps, to some; but the two of them were comfortable. Gina lay in bed, her hand propping up her head as she ran her finger’s through her husband’s blonde hair. She was clad only in the top satin sheet, draped over her more because of the cool but restful breeze that came through the bedroom window than by any sense of modesty. She was entirely modest in the proper context of course, but here, in the marriage bed next to her lover there was no need.
Her spouse’s attire, however, would likely appear odd to some, appearing quite attractive in a long black nightgown with a lace bodice and spaghetti straps. Perhaps needless to say, while some might feel uncomfortable seeing Gina’s husband clad in such a manner, Gina was entirely comfortable and even glad for the appearance her husband had recently assumed.
Their ongoing questions regarding Ben’s “sister” Katie, his alter-ego, were more and more a part of conversation, but less in regard to the decision and more in which manner the decision had been implemented. Katie was spending much more time in “their” bed with Gina, albeit with Ben’s “attributes” if I may be so bold.
In pieces of the past
And sorrow clings to angry questions
The days of dust at last
Gina was understanding more and more of how much a product of her past Katie actually was, but in an entirely new way, appreciating that it was a blessing; a good thing that God had done in Ben through the pain of abuse and neglect. As someone once told me, which I believe to be true for myself as well as Katie and others, “she was born for all the wrong reasons but grew up for all the right ones.”
Wanting to be as affirming as possible, Gina asked another question, which garnered the same answer she had heard the previous five times she asked, or rather stated, “It’s such a big step,” which was the understatement of the year.
Katie turned to her and kissed her suddenly and hard, quite amorously in light of the innocuous manner of the moment, but said quietly, softly with her endearing brogue,
“Since I was able to keep everything that my precious God gave me at my birth, I don’t mind that we’ve added anything, do you?”
Gina had struggled with her feelings until she realized that she never stopped loving her husband; she just realized that the man she married; the one person in the world she had trusted her life with; the one she had fallen deeply and irrevocably in love with was more woman than she had known, in a manner of speaking. Her conflict arose more from how she saw herself and what she felt about her own beliefs.
While she would never begrudge anyone their own choice, really understanding that more than some, she was committed to being married to her husband, and not a “wife” per se, and was entirely glad that Katie had decided to remain “intact.” And her conflict regarding every other manner of her husband’s transformation had dissipated when she recognized that apart from her obvious change in appearance, Katie was still her husband. In a manner of speaking, Ben hadn’t gone away at all, but the entire person Gina had loved from the very first meeting had become more integrated, and Ben and Katie were now whole, as it were, with Katie’s name and appearance being the persona both she and Gina had decided was best for them.
The power of the light
That cripple prayers
Are sometimes answered
And hope survives the night.
And hope survives the night.
Ben’s compassion and caring and understanding was completely and wholly still a part of the person they were becoming. In a sense, there was much more gain than loss, as some might have seen it. The only significant difference that was irretrievable was that Ben would no longer be playing rugby with the boys on Sundays, although many of his teammates had already accepted the change and continued to be friends to them both. The ones who either didn’t understand or accept Katie had never been close to Ben anyway, so it was more to their detriment and loss than Ben’s.
“I remember you said one thing a long time ago that I’ve been thinking about recently, and I’ve come to the conclusion that you were wrong; entirely mistaken, my dear; I’m sorry, but that’s how I feel.” Katie said this while nibbling on her wife’s ear, almost in a brand new way, purring slightly.
Gina looked shocked. Ben had rarely disagreed with her, and Katie now as well, owing mostly to the fact that they were so attuned to each other, and they almost always were “on the same page,” as they say.
“And what could I possibly have been wrong about?” She wondered what she could have said or done in the past that was just now becoming important enough to bring up.
“You said, after finding out about and falling in love with me,” Katie put her hand on her chest, indicating “Katie” as opposed to Ben, “that one benefit of it was that we could share outfits.” She laughed softly, her voice becoming more feminine, not out of practice or effort, but rather just a natural change occurring in a rather pleasantly surprising way.
Gina was shocked again, and was about to say something almost rude when Katie looked her in the eye and abruptly kissed her again before adding,
“You are the most attractive gorgeous and sexy woman on the face of the earth, and I could never do justice to anything you wear, even with my change.”
Gina looked at Katie and smiled, almost in an impish manner before kissing Katie back and saying in her own, ersatz brogue,
“Tis true, tis true, darlin’. But you’re still beautiful in my book. Let’s just see how we match up, shall we?” She threw off her sheet and in an instant had leaned over and pulled the nightgown off of Katie.”
“I think we match up just fine,” she said and she leaned over and turned off the light.
“Yep…we match up just fine!”
If We Could Remember — Jerry Goldsmith and Paul Williams
From the Sum of All Fears sung by Yolanda Adams
http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/node/15410/edit
Next: Exploring the past; building the future.
Katie remembered the day of her mother’s burial and how she had made sure that the headstone had a nice carving of an angel and pansies, her mother’s favorite flower. She had been to the gravesite only once since her mother died, her “brother” attending each anniversary instead. She looked at the other gravesite.
Katie looked at her father’s grave, thankful that he had changed with time. But she remembered to a time that only God’s grace could have carried her through.
"You want to know somethin', you fookin’ bastard...You’re just like your mother. She's a whore, and you take after her, you little fairy." The words always hurt; his father was as cruel as they come, but it hurt Ben more to hear his own father put down his mother. The physical abuse he could handle; he always found a place inside himself when his father beat him, but to hear day in and day out the cruel taunts by the one man he was supposed to look up to. And it was worse for his mother, since she'd been dealing with this horrible behavior long before he was born. She married her husband when she was only seventeen, and he was twenty-eight; a success in Ireland and still more successful since they had arrived in the US only months before.
Ben felt lost; he had no friends to speak of, and his life at home; well, miserable would have been a gross understatement. He'd just turned fourteen, and had little to look forward to in any way. He remained a good; no, a great student despite his hard life, a testimony to the love his mother showed him and the encouragement she tried to provide. It was this, more than anything else that hurt; how could his father treat someone so precious and kind as his mother like he did? What did he have against her? Ben would learn years later, through his mother's family, that his dad was treated worse by his own father than he had ever treated Ben, if that were possible, and the family was almost glad for his "improvement" over Ben's grandfather.
Like a lot of boys his age, certainly nowhere near most, but more than a few, Ben was small of stature, and he resembled his mother enough to evoke the cruel taunts, not only from his classmates, but his daily put-downs by his dad. And like some boys, not a lot, but more than a few, he was faced with an opportunity that arose perhaps out of nowhere, but more likely providential. Some might disagree, but things happen for a reason, and Ben was about to discover something about himself that would come as a surprise to him, but didn't surprise his mother at all.
Ben was like a lot of great kids; he tried his best to be as helpful as possible. Since his father had never taken the time to show him how to do anything, all of his efforts at things that boys are "supposed" to do were mostly failures, with the few successes rewarded by even crueler taunts. And his help for his mother was always successful, so he received mocking and disdain for that as well. Undaunted, he remained determined to do as much as he could for his mother, whose health had been poor for the last year. He did the laundry every day, trying as much as he could to relieve her of the burden of all the work at home, especially since she was ill (He would learn later, much later, that she never told him just how sick she was).
He had the basket of laundry when he entered his room. He was feeling especially down on himself, and I suppose he was vulnerable. He really hadn’t meant at all to try on his mother’s dress, but the fabric was so pretty and he was not feeling at all good about himself; his father certainly had seen to that. In all honesty, when his father wasn’t drinking, he wasn’t even all that bad to be around, but his good times did nothing at all to compensate for his bad times, and his treatment of both his wife and son were inexcusable, and sadly had created an irreparable break between him and his family. Perhaps Ben was identifying too much with his mother at that point; it might seem that way, but honestly, he might have dressed in his mother’s clothes even if he did feel good about his male identity; boys sometimes do that even when it’s just boredom or curiosity that leads them that way.
Ben’s mom almost always knocked on his door when she wanted entry; “Dinner’s ready,” or “Your magazine came in the mail,” come to mind. Every once and a while, though, she might enter unannounced, not expecting anything out of the ordinary. She opened the door to his room, planning on handing him his new rugby magazine. Instead of finding her son, she instead found a rather cute looking young lady with short blonde hair sitting on Ben’s bed, preoccupied with the music emitting from the headphones of her walkman. She looked at the girl and her eyes widened in recognition, but not amazement, as you might expect.
“Excuse me, miss,” she said. “Would you mind telling me why you’re sitting on my son’s bed wearing my dress?” She said this playfully, knowing full well to whom she was speaking. Ben looked up and saw his mother standing next to the bed. She had adopted a mock-angry look, but he missed her playful smile and burst into tears, mostly out of shame and guilt and not just a little embarrassment. She immediately placed her hand on Ben’s shoulder and leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, tasting the salt of his tears. She grabbed his hands and lifted him up off the bed and hugged him.
“It’s alright, darlin’ I’m not upset. Just be careful to wear a slip the next time, it’s the ladylike thing to do.” She kissed him again, but his tears flowed almost like a stream down his face. “Honey, Ben…it’s all right. Don’t cry.” You may remember a time like this in your life; not about dressing in your mom’s clothes, although that might evoke some memories as well. You may remember the time or even several times when someone told you it was okay and not to cry? And you cried even harder? Ben fell at his mother’s feet and embraced her, holding on to her legs, sobbing almost uncontrollably.
With the softest, most precious dearest voice he ever heard, his mother said, “Ben, I love you. Don’t worry….it will be our secret. Daddy doesn’t need to know, and as long as you don’t do this out there,” she said pointing to the door to his bedroom, “everything will be okay.” His sobbing subsided as she stroked his hair and cooed an old lullaby in his ear. She wanted him to feel safe, not like a baby, but to help him remember back to a time when there wasn’t any yelling or hitting or cursing.
“So, what’s your name, precious girl of mine?” She didn’t sound condescending; she really wanted him to tell her the name he had chosen; she knew in her heart almost before hearing, but she smiled and waited for his reply. He started to say “Her name is,” but she quickly but gently shushed him with a finger to his lips.
“No, my sweet girl,” she said with another smile, “What’s YOUR name?” Almost magically, but really a wonder produced by his mother’s unconditional love and acceptance, a transformation of sorts took place as Ben was replaced by a shy, soft-spoken teenage girl, who replied softly with a charming brogue,
“Katherine.”
“I can’t think of a nicer name; after my mother? And I expect your middle name is Agnes?” As I said, she had anticipated the name, no magic or mind-reading. Her mother was probably the sweetest woman you would say you ever met if you hadn’t met her first. The girl nodded.
“Well, Katherine, I expect we can have a lovely afternoon together. Your father called to say he would be home late (home late being his words for out drinking and carousing) so we can just put on a pot of tea and have a nice chat, would you like that?” She nodded again and her mother said, “If you don’t mind, I think I rather like callin’ you Katie, would you like that?” Katie liked it so much she burst into tears and hugged her mother as if she would disappear if she didn’t hold on.
while she’s had to bear all her crosses alone
and if it’s not enough to do all that she can
than she’d lay down her life greater love hath no man
It would be lovely and wonderful and such a nice story to say that their times continued and their relationship grew. The relationship grew, but the times grew worse. Ben’s dad was just as cruel if not worse as the years passed. When she wasn't taking care of her mother, which was nearly a full time job in addition to school and everything else, Katie had her moments of refuge, listening to nice music, dressed in her mother’s loveliest dresses, but by herself most of the time. Sean Kelly continued to thrive in his business even as his marriage and his relationship with his son died a slow death, fueled by indifference and his selfish behavior. Mary Grace Kelly died just a few weeks after Ben’s seventeenth birthday. By then, Sean Kelly had abandoned his wife and child for another woman and had moved out west. Kind aunts and uncles saw to it that he was cared for and prepared as he went off to college the following fall, And Ben “took” his sister with him. She was a part of his life all through school and even back to Dublin for grad school before he returned home. And of course, you may recall that led to meeting Gina, marrying and settling into a life of love and hope and eventually to where Ben and Katie had recently become one person, complete and whole, by the love of her wife and God’s grace.
“It’s okay, honey.” The words startled Katie, so much like Ben’s mother’s words that fateful day, but uttered by Gina to Katie instead. Gina grabbed Katie and held her, the two of them crying over the sad waste of Sean Kelly’s life, but the happy conclusion that brought hope and joy through reconciliation as Sean had made peace; both with his child and with God. And for the first time in her life, perhaps in an altogether spiritual way, Katie felt somehow some way, her father finally accepted and was happy that she had turned out just like her mother.
“I’m glad for you, Daddy,” Katie said, and she was. Even after all the pain and sorrow Sean Kelly had caused his wife and child, it was miraculous but not surprising to Katie that her father had changed before his death. Katie had prayed every single day from the time her father abandoned her and her mother to the day she received Sean’s letter of remorse, as it were, for restoration. With the past finally and truly behind, Katie was ready to begin her new life once again. It wasn’t interrupted, per se, since she existed in some manner since she was born just after Ben’s fourteenth birthday. Gina had encouraged her to continue with her counseling, even as she was adopting her feminine persona fully and gladly. Ben was still a part of her, he would always be, but this is what she and Gina wanted, both for themselves and perhaps for the next generation of the Kelly family.
It will clear up for me all the things you have done
and I thank God each day for all that you do
and for all that I am I will always love you
The Gift — Words and Music by Donal O’Shaughnessey
I wish this story were true for some of my dearest sisters here, that someone will love them and accept them the way Katie's mom accepted her; the way God accepts her as well. It is not only a wish, but my fervent prayer. As someone dear to me said, May You Have ALL the Blessing of today...It's a brand new day! Time to be reborn!
They stood in the bedroom. She was dressed in slacks and a Kelly green blouse, ready to go out shopping. He had just finished his shower after a morning of yard work and was standing in front of her wearing a Penn State tee and long gym shorts.
“No…I told you already, Todd. I don’t want to! You know how I feel about it.” Jeannie looked hastily at her watch.
“Look, I’ve got to get going. I’m going to run over to Macy’s and then maybe stop and get some lunch. I’ll stop and take care of the groceries. That should give you about four hours. Just be done by five, okay?” She walked over and kissed him on the cheek, acting as warm as she could muster. She went out to the car, got in and checked her face in the rearview mirror. She had managed to hold back the tears successfully so Todd wouldn’t see her crying.
They had been going back and forth all morning. Todd had begged her to join him for dinner that evening; rather Jeannie was supposed to meet Claire for dinner after her errands. Jeannie had already made it quite clear that Claire could “visit” as long as she wasn’t home; she hated even using that name. What happened to her husband; where had he gone and who was this stranger in her bed?
Todd had reluctantly changed his plans, but still looked forward to the afternoon. Getting ready would only take about a half hour, and with only about fifteen minutes at the end of the afternoon to clean up, it would leave him over three hours to spend en femme at the computer.
Claire had just begun to correspond on line, and her fiction, awkward as it was fairly new, still was well received, earning complements like, “Good start!” “I can see her now…keep up the good work!” “You should let her find herself,” they all said, referring to Todd’s alter ego, Claire, the girl in her stories.
Her fiction was a release for her, like many cross dressers.
Claire received little support for her need to express that half of her. Jeannie had called it, “Your hobby,” stressing “your” to emphasize that she wanted no part of it, and “hobby,” since she saw it merely as recreational instead of being an expression of her husband’s personality.
And really, who could blame her? She was an attractive woman at forty; still about the same weight as when they first married and the very few lines in her face only added character to her beauty.
Why now, after sixteen years should she have to compete; what was wrong with her that she should have to feel less attractive while her husband seemed to be changing slowly. She married a man, damn it, not a woman; it wasn’t fair.
Truth be told, it wasn’t fair. Claire had been “sprung” on her with an almost take it or leave it attitude, it seemed to her...he was being entirely selfish. He had even said,
“Why can’t you see how important this is…come on, Jeannie…for better or worse?” He hadn’t actually said that, but he might as well have, she had thought.
He walked into the bedroom and then into their bathroom about to put his...rather Claire’s makeup on; looking forward to a few hours of being someone beside himself…no, that wasn’t right. She was looking forward to being herself. He looked in the mirror, expecting to become more attractive, but he really didn’t like what he saw. Instead of Claire staring back at him in acceptance, Todd saw himself, and he wasn’t attractive at all. His expression, while not condemning, was still not at all pleased.
“She’s given you so much…can’t you be patient with her?’ He thought to himself, but the words shouted loudly in his head while making no sound.
“She’s hurt…and scared.” His words didn’t accuse, but they still spoke firmly nonetheless.
“And you didn’t even give her any warning…She came home and there you were, sitting on the couch, looking perfect and a perfect stranger at the same time. Can’t you put yourself in her place?”
He began to laugh at the irony of his own question, thinking himself clever, but he caught himself and thought,
“She probably thinks you don’t care for her anymore. When was the last time that you looked at her with love in your eyes?” He had to admit sadly that lately since his wife was so attractive and had such exquisite taste in clothes, each new purchase she made caused him to think more about he would feel in her new dress or blouse than what to say to her to complement the way she looked. A new skirt might be followed by,
“I’d love to wear that with that new silk blouse she just bought,” rather than “Honey, you look terrific.
Todd put down the makeup bag. He walked over to his dresser and grabbed some sweat pants from his bottom drawer. He looked back at the mirror on the back of the bathroom door, noting the man standing there; he wasn’t please with what he saw, and vowed to change that. He blinked back a few tears and walked out of the bedroom, picking up a clothes basket to do a load of laundry. And while he was disappointed, the tears in his eyes were for the disappointment he felt toward himself for failing to remember how much Jeannie meant to him…He would make it up to her.
Claire was a sweet, treasured part of his existence, but she wasn’t nearly important enough to risk everything he had with his wife.
Jeannie was at the Safeway... She was looking for something nice to cook for dinner.
“Maybe I’ve just been too busy with work…maybe I’m not doing enough to build him up” She thought about getting a new negligee, but the emphasis in the house was entirely too much on clothing lately. She was reaching for a steak when she bumped into someone with a familiar face.
“Jeannie Sinclair, you dear. I haven’t seen you for weeks.” Gina Kelly stood facing her friend, who she hadn’t seen since she and Katie had started attending a Saturday night service at another church nearby, owing as much to convenience as Katie’s transition. She gave Jeannie a welcoming hug, which soon turned awkward as Jeannie noticed the petite blond standing behind Gina. Gina turned back, realizing that this was one of those inaugural moments she and Katie would have to expect that might occur impromptu anywhere. She smiled and Jeannie blinked twice as her eyes widened in recognition.”
“I’m glad to see you Jeannie; you’re lookin’ well and as attractive as ever.” The soft feminine brogue was disconcerting since Jeannie had been over to the Kelly house several times with Todd, but still…here, she had no idea…
“It’s me, yes.” Katie said softly. “As ever was.
Todd was sitting in the living room folding towels. ESPN was on, and it was half-time at the Penn State — Michigan game. He was singing to himself when Jennie walked in from the garage with some groceries. She looked and saw that Todd was exactly as she had left him; she’d returned an hour earlier than expected; not to “catch” him but just to sit down and have a talk. His appearance meant that Claire hadn’t visited.
“I’ve got some sausage and peppers and potatoes cooking in the oven. Let me get my sneakers on, and I’ll help you with the bags.”
He slipped on his sneakers without tying them and walked quickly to the garage, pausing long enough to kiss Jeannie on her cheek before going out to the car.
You’ll never guess who I ran into at Safeway.”
“Donovan McNabb,” Todd teased, seeing that with the thousands of people living in the area, he would never have guessed.
“Gina Kelly from church. Met her and her…husband.”
“Oh yeah, how are they anyway…haven’t seen them in weeks since they started going to that new church on Saturday…it’s a plant from ours, isn’t it?” Todd asked.
“Well…let’s just say you wouldn’t recognize Ben.” Jeannie said.
“I remember he’s a psychologist…did he grow a beard?”
“Quite the opposite,” Jeannie said without elaborating. “They’ve invited us for dinner tomorrow and I accepted.” She had wondered at the invitation, and if Ben would actually even be there tomorrow, if at all.
It’s something we’ve wanted to do.” Gina said squeezing Katie’s hand. Her display of affection looked quite natural which well it should have, but it still made Jeannie uncomfortable. There was and IHOP near the Safeway and they treated Jeannie to lunch.
“May I ask you a personal question?”
“Besides that one? I’m sorry…I say that all the time. Of course.” Gina said.
“Is…are you…did you….” No matter how many times she started, each attempt ended awkwardly and unfinished. Katie anticipated where Jeannie was coming from and said simply,
“No…actually, we’re quite happy with the way God made me…for the most part.” Katie smiled with a warm expression and was going to continue when Gina interrupted.
“Briefly, yes to up top, no to down below,” Gina said laughing at her own remark.
“It’s really a matter of several considerations.” Katie said. “I’ve begun to work full time counseling in the community, primarily with transgender male to female, either living as or transitioning completely with surgery and such.” She smiled as Jeannie looked uncomfortable. “You’d be surprised. Even the most conservative statistics, and I use that term loosely, indicate that most cross dressers are heterosexual men. I’ve nothing to back that up other than that the CD’s I’ve worked with are hetero, and many of them are married and lead otherwise normal lives. The transsexuals that I’ve worked with have been varied in their experiences and ultimate goals; some remain with their spouses or girlfriends after surgery and some are in relationships with men…an interesting mixture to say the least.”
“Can you tell me something? My Todd…” It was touching how she referred to him as “My Todd.”
“He’s got it in his head that is…well he insists that he has a female side to him.” More of a statement, but the implied question was, “why?”
“Actually, that’s really a good way of putting it. While much of our perception of our sexual identity comes from environment…how we were raised, and our appearance…our bodies, we often also form our self-conception of our identity by how we think and feel apart from any external influence.”
“I don’t follow you,” Jeannie said.
“Without going into it all, just think of how you feel about Todd. Apart from this one thing, which I’m not saying is small...it’s huge. But other than that, has he changed at all; is he as kind and thoughtful as he ever was?”
“Yes…maybe more so…He always tells me he loves me. He’s always doing extra things to make things easier for me even though he works at his job full time as well.”
“And the other part of him…Claire, did you say?” Katie asked. Jeannie nodded and Katie continued.
“Do you see her as a friend or a threat?” Gina asked.
That one was easy…at least she thought so until she actually answered the question.
“A threat…yes…I’m…I’m not sure.” She hesitated. As uncomfortable as it felt the first time she “met” Claire, after the initial shock wore off, she found that it was almost nice. Claire was complimentary and sweet, almost like a sister
“You know, it’s only recently that Todd has been more attentive to Claire than me.”
“Why the change, do you think?” Katie felt she knew the answer, but wanted Jeannie to say it first.
“He’s scared?” She asked a question that answered itself.
“Why do you think he’s so scared?” Gina asked, adding “so” to reflect Jeannie’s accompanying expression, which was fearful as well.
“I think he’s afraid of rejection?” Again almost a statement; Jeannie remembered that Todd’s family life was horrible, and that his father basically demonstrated a disdain for his oldest son.
“Seein’ how common that is, you’re probably right.
Gina looked at Jeannie and smiled, gripping her hand while hold on to Katie’s as well.
“Even though I started falling in love with Katie the first time I met her, I have to say I felt threatened, and I know how much rejection Katie experienced growing up.”
“I love him too much…how do I get past this? If this…if she’s really a part of him?” Jeannie asked
“How do you get past anything difficult in your relationship with him,” Gina asked.
“I guess I just try to love him and understand as much as I can.”
“Isn’t that what real love is all about?” Katie asked. “You are not compelled to accept everything he says or does, nor is he obligated to do the same. What we are required to do is love and accept each other in spite of what we do.”
“Which means….you talk…he listens…he talks…you listen…and you pray together and pray some more. And you have to be honest with yourself..." Gina jumped in once again, providing Jeannie with a wife’s perspective. "Just how much of you is attracted to Claire, and how does that fit in with how you view yourself....I know I struggled with it myself, and I had to arrive at my own decision...I'm sure you will, too."
“Say…why don’t you and Todd come over tomorrow afternoon for dinner; Ben still makes an appearance now and then…it’ll be low key, and you can talk or not, okay?
Todd brought the rest of the groceries into the kitchen. Jeannie smiled and picked up a Macy’s bag from the table and opened it. She held up a brand new dress she’d bought. Burgundy silk number, sleeveless and full-skirted. She held it up for his approval. Todd looked at it draped against her body and remembered the talk he had with himself while she was out.
“God, I can’t wait to see you in that…You’ll look gorgeous.” He stepped up to her and kissed her passionately, probably much more passionate than in recent memory.
“I love you so much.” He tried not to, but tears came to his eyes. “I haven’t told you that enough lately.”
Jeannie kissed him back and smiled before saying,
“You are my very own sweet husband. I thank God for you every day. I’m sorry that I haven’t understood you. I won’t pretend this is going to be easy, no matter what happens, but I’m going to listen to you when you talk, and I hope you’ll do the same for me, okay?”
Todd nodded and kissed her again.
The next afternoon, Todd had just finished mowing the lawn and was standing in the kitchen drinking an Aquafina.
“I forgot to tell you something yesterday about Gina and Ben.” She actually did forget, owing mostly to the nice talk and the nicer sex later; it actually did slip her mind.
“Ben is living outwardly as Katie almost full time. Gina says that Ben puts in an appearance now and then in their relationship, she said that Ben would be there today so as not to make it too awkward.”
Todd was actually relieved. The whole cross dressing thing was too much to deal with right now. He really wanted to focus his energy on his relationship with Jeannie. It had occurred to him that whatever might become of Claire, it was more important for him to show Jeannie how much he loved her.
After his shower, Todd walked back into the bedroom. Jeannie had finished dressing. She was wearing a lovely mint green cotton sleeveless full-skirted dress along with white sandals. Todd admired his wife for a few seconds, taking in how beautiful she was to him.
“I called ahead and asked Gina for a favor. She pushed back dinner a half-hour so we would have time to get ready.” She smiled wryly and pointed behind her. Draped on the bed was the dress she had purchased the day before.
“Katie is going to be there today instead of Ben. I thought it would be nice for someone else to get to know Claire.” She winked at him and said,
“Besides, burgundy is your color, silly! Now let’s get you dressed.”
The Sky and Dawn and the Sun as sung by Celtic Woman
Words and Music by Celtic Woman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQN9gr-Hb_Q
Next: Claire Loves Jeannie
She stares through my shadow
She sees something more
Believes there's a light in me
She is sure
And her truth makes me stronger
Does she realize
I awake every morning
With her strength by my side
"Jeannie...I don't think this is a good idea." As much as Todd wanted to put the dress on, he thought for both their sakes that they shouldn't go out just yet; leastwise as a couple of "girls."
"I went to all this trouble because I thought it's what you wanted and now you're saying no? I don't understand you..." She started to cry, more out of frustration than sadness. She really did try to make an effort to accommodate him. Just what was it he wanted?
If you want, I can call and we can cancel or change the plans back the way they were, but I don't feel comfortable meeting someone else as Claire when you aren't really comfortable about it. It just wouldn't be fair to you or to them, not matter how I felt."
"Well, I wish you'd make up your mind. I went to a lot of trouble for your sake; I thought you wanted to...well...you know."
"Jeannie, I wish I knew what to say...but I don't. I don't even understand it myself, but I know it's not about the dress. It's about who I am inside, and how that part of me is supposed to fit. I don't even know if she's supposed to fit or not. I'll call them and we can plan for another time as two "regular" couples...as if that's even possible now?"
"Do what you want...I'm going to take a shower and then maybe read a book." She walked up to him and kissed him lightly and almost coldly on the cheek before closing the bathroom door behind her.
“”Hi…Gina…Todd Sinclair. I’m afraid we’re not going to make it today after all, I’m sorry.”...He spoke softly into the phone, wanting to sound so much like himself, but really sounding more like Claire at that point.
“It was nice of you to invite us….I….I’m not ready just yet to meet new people,” Todd continued, expecting correctly that Gina knew exactly what he was talking about.”
Gina shook her head and answered. “I understand completely….it was just something that might work out…to help you and Jeannie, but we can always get together another time. Would you like to speak to Ben?” It had become only a little confusing in that whenever Gina talked on the phone with folks that might become clients, she always deferred to her husband’s male persona, a habit she kept telling herself she’d have to break.
“I mean…would you like to talk with Katie?” Since Ben had adopted Katie as a persona full time, she had gained professional credentials in her name. She came to the phone and accepted it from Gina.
“Hello? Todd?....I’m sorry you can’t make it today, but I’m really not surprised. It might have been a little hasty of us, and I apologize. I really should have talked to you before we made any plans that included your alter ego…your story to tell, no one else. Please forgive me.”
“That’s alright…Dr. Kelly. I think up until we started getting ready, it actually might have been a good idea...I don’t really know, but I haven’t spent much time at all with Jeannie as….Claire, and it felt too awkward…” His voice trailed off. Even though he had met Ben a few times, and had even attended a barbeque at their house, having a conversation with Katie was embarrassing on a variety of levels.
“I….I haven’t really been accepted by Jeannie,” Todd said, alluding to Claire. “I…I’m really not sure where I stand….if have any standing at all. I think coming today as Claire would almost be like us “ganging up” on Jeannie, and I don’t want this to be about me alone.”
“I perfectly understand. As I said, I apologize. It really was premature of me to expect this to work.” Katie was doing her best to alleviate the understandable anxiety and fear that Claire must have been feeling at that moment.
“Dr. Kelly…do you…have you?” Claire’s voice was the voice that trailed off, accompanied by a soft sob. She was grateful that Jeannie had retired to the bedroom and wasn’t hearing this exchange. She rarely spoke in her “femme” voice, but was embarrassed that it was so convincing; at least she felt that way, and she was highly conflicted about how well she played her “role” when she was Claire. Todd wanted to be a good husband, but Claire made that difficult with her mere presence.
“Let me see if I can help you. You’d like to know if I can see you on a professional basis, yes?” Katie got to the point quickly. “I have Tuesday and Thursday evening available. You can come either night, or both, if we decide…Claire…do you mind if I call you that for a moment?
“Nnn..no.” It was odd but almost wonderful in a way. For the first time…someone besides his wife had called Todd “Claire,” almost as if she was using her real name.
“How about Tuesday at 7:30? You can decide then if Thursday is a go. Just so you know, this is not entirely free, okay? You might have to indulge Rocco and scratch his ears.” The phone was silent on the other end.
“For the first visit, I’d like to get to know Todd first, if you don’t mind.” She said this almost as a statement.
“No…that’s quite alright. I’d feel more comfortable if that’s what you think is best.” For the second time in three days, Todd would have had leave to be Claire; something he looked forward to, and now that he had permission, he deferred twice to someone’ else. “Will there be a chance to ….” This was too important a question to leave unanswered even though he was going to see Dr. Kelly in a few days.
“I expect to spend a lot of time with both you and Claire, Todd.” Katie smiled and noticed that Gina was sitting at the kitchen table, listening to her half of the exchange. Katie would lean heavily on her wife to encourage both “halves” of Todd, as well as help Jeannie determine for herself what she could manage if at all in this aspect of her husband’s life.
“But Tuesday, just for the beginning, like I said, Todd instead of Claire. Just a note of “warning,” though there really isn’t anything to warn against. As you may already know, I’m no longer practicing as Ben Kelly. It’s a personal matter that I’ll happily discuss when we meet; too much over the phone, but you deserve to know why, and it’s really important for your own sake to understand as well. So 7:30 Tuesday, okay?”
“Okay….you over on Fremont? Okay…Tuesday it is. Thanks.”
Todd looked down the hallway toward the bedroom. The door was closed, which suited him fine at that moment as he began to cry.”
Todd sat nervously on a very comfortable couch in the large office. Rocco, the Kelly’s Bull Terrier, sat at his feet gnawing on a bone, looking up only occasionally. Todd swore that the dog was actually grinning.
Katie sat in the armchair across from the couch. She was wearing a grey pantsuit with a bone colored blouse. It was somewhat disconcerting for Todd, since he was used to interacting only briefly with Katie’s male “half,” and he felt uncomfortable knowing that his counselor was actually...at least from his perspective…a man, and two, that he actually found Dr. Katie Kelly to be quite attractive. That’s as far as that went, but it still made him feel awkward.
“Does my appearance make you nervous?” Katie asked softly, her brogue only slightly more apparent than normal, mostly to lighten the tension in the room.
“Y…yeesss.” Todd said haltingly. “I wondered why…but you said you’d explain that. Apart from ….Claire…I’ve never been around…God I don’t even know what to call…”
“Let’s try to leave labels and descriptions out of it for the time being. I think things are confusing enough for you and you wife without adding to the problem, yes?” She smiled and looked down at the dog.
“Rocco, go get the tissues, okay, there’s a good lad.” Rocco rose and walked over to a table in the corner of the room and grabbed a small packet of tissues which he brought and dropped on the couch next to Todd.
“Purely precautionary, but most of my clients tend to cry…it’s a good thing…cleansing and it helps alleviate the anxiety.” She smiled and scratched Rocco behind the ear before continuing.
“Let’s just look briefly at me, like I said, before we continue. My wife and I have made this decision after much prayer and talk. I feel that I can best serve the transgender community at large if I am Katie rather than Ben. He is a part of me…always will be, but this part of me seems to have asserted herself in a lot of ways, including in my relationship with my wife. Some couples with a transgendered partner might exclude their public life, which is understandable as it is more manageable with their social situations and families. That's perhaps an occasional occurrence when the TG partner hasn't fully transitioned We have no children, and all of our friends have known about Katie from the beginning, so we felt the freedom that some couples do not have. And I feel that I can be more helpful as a counselor if my clients know that it is quite possible to maintain a healthy relationship with a partner while living in the gender, so to speak, of the person I want to be…Do you follow me?
“Like an example of what could be?” Todd said, wondering if his answer was correct.
“Precisely, but it really goes to this…I’m more Katie…much more than Ben at this point, and my wife loves me just as I am. So now that you know a little bit about me, let us get acquainted. Shall we?”
“Gina met me rather abruptly, expecting to confront Ben, and finding his “sister” in his place at his apartment. But it was accidental and would have taken place under different circumstances. You handled it differently, and from what you just said, it didn’t go well at all, did it?” Katie asked softly.
“I wanted it to be a surprise. Don’t ask me why…I knew it wasn’t a good idea, but I had felt ready for a few weeks. I think writing on the website gave me more courage than I expected, and I was so excited that I didn’t think.” Katie was a bit abrupt and shot him a glare that said, “Oh really?”
“I knew it wasn’t a good idea, and I did think it through. I suppose I just wanted to get it over with, and I was afraid if I didn’t show her first, I might never tell her. I was more scared what would happen if I didn’t than if I did…does that make sense?” Todd acknowledged Katie’s nod and continued.
“She had been out all day looking for some material for some curtains she wanted to sew, and I just got dressed right after she left and waited until she returned. Three hours sitting watching Florida State and Miami while wearing her best outfit. I’m not very big, and I pretty much fit in her clothes” He looked down at himself and felt so awkward, telling this to Katie, and he began to cry softly, more out of the embarrassment of the moment than what he was about to describe..
“She walked into the living room with a bunch of shopping bags in her arms. I guess that…I know that she had been shopping for a new outfit that day, anxious to show it off. Instead of her loving husband waiting for her, she finds Claire standing in the middle of the living room wearing her favorite teal silk dress.” He blinked back tears and continued.
“She lost it. No “who are you and where is my husband?” She knew immediately who I was and what was going on, and I don’t think I’ve ever heard her swear so much in one sentence, and she doesn’t swear much.”
“Go on.” Katie felt Todd needed to just talk at that point, and offered no questions.
“She slapped me in the face and started to cry…loud…right there.” Todd was crying now.
“She didn’t say anything. She just stood there staring at me and crying louder and harder than I can ever remember.”
“Not at all like the fiction you write, yes? Real life tends to be difficult and complicated that way.” Katie smiled a half smile and continued.
“She was so upset she couldn’t even talk. How do you think she felt?” Katie had an idea, but Todd needed to understand why his wife was so upset.
“I know why…she told me later, but I knew why right then and there.” Todd ignored the tissues and wiped his nose with his sleeve.
“She felt betrayed…she felt lied to.” He paused and wiped his tears once again, this time with the back of his hand. “She had expected to come home to a loving husband who would tell her that she would look good in her new outfit and instead found me wearing her clothes.” Todd began to sob.
“I never felt so bad in all my life…Ben….uhhh Dr. Kelly…what have I done? I’m so sorry.
“You’ve already explained how upset she was, and that now she’s very confused over your decision not to follow through with her offer. I can understand her confusion, but I also respect your decision. You put her needs above your own…for a change, if I’ve heard you correctly?” Katie was not being critical, but was reframing what Todd had already said.
“I owe her an explanation and discussion before this goes any further, but I don’t know how to approach it.” Todd had stopped crying and was trying to stay positive. His talk with Katie has convinced him to set aside any expectations and just hope for the best.
“I’ve a suggestion that might alleviate any anxiety over what to say at first. If you’re willing?” Katie pointed to a folder on the side table next to her chair. “Perhaps having her read a story or two of your as well as one of your blog entries…get to know a little bit more about the person Claire is rather than her clothing?”
“I’m not sure.” Todd was protective of his writing; it was a true representation of who he was as his alter ego, but that also meant her true self would risk rejection if Jeannie rejected her writing. Her fiction was a good gauge of her personality, as many of her stories were almost auto-biographical in nature, portraying real-life events as part of the lives of the characters. If Jeannie hated the stories, what did that say about how she viewed her? The Claire part of Todd was deathly afraid of rejection, even more so than if Jeannie had forbade him to wear a dress when she wasn’t around as well.
“Pick two stories that you feel most represent who you are. I have one suggestion. You wrote “Hidden Heart” about the young man who was rejected by his dad…that really is close to your own relationship with your dad. Jeannie already knows a lot about your relationship with him, correct?” Todd nodded and Katie continued.
“And that other story about the boy whose mother kept teasing him…just like what you told me earlier about your mom. I think between the two you might have a couple of stories that really portray where your heart is at. What do you think?” Katie looked to Todd for an answer.
“I’m sure those will work…if she’s willing to read them. And I guess my blog about growing up uncertain might be the best.”
“We’ll print them out and you can offer to have her read them on Thursday when you come over again. That way she’s by herself, uninterrupted, and you and I can continue our talk. I think you can plan on coming here on Thursday as Claire, but let’s leave the clothes at home at least one more time.”
“What good will that do?” Todd looked disappointed until Katie continued.
“Just like your wife, I’d like to get to know you more, but as you said, it’s not about the dress. Don’t worry. You need to express your personality. And it might make it easier for Jeannie to read about her husband as a girl if she can expect he'll return home as a boy, yes?” Katie smiled again as she got up to walk Todd to the door.
“I’ll call you tomorrow about my decision,” Todd said as they paused at the desk by the front door to print out the stories and the blog.
“Okay, I’ll expect your call tomorrow. It’s going to be okay as long as you keep talking with her and helping her understand just how much you care for her.” Todd looked awkward until Katie offered her hand in parting.
“So how did your time with Katie go?” Jeannie asked. She was sitting on the couch, her novel in her lap and a cup of decaf coffee on the end table.
“Well, she agreed that it was better to focus on you getting to know me better as Claire by talking rather than me dressing up, and I have to agree. Honey, I want you to know that what you did on Sunday was sweet and meant the world to me, but it really wasn’t fair to you…you didn’t ask for this, and if we ever are going to get past this, it’s because we’re talking about what’s important to both of us, not just me.”
“But I thought you wanted to dress…Isn’t this important to you?” She wasn’t angry like he expected. She really wanted to understand.
“I don’t know what to say since I don’t understand myself. What I do know is that I feel like Claire has been around a long time, maybe even before I can remember much. Katie asked me if I was angry at dad for the way he treated mom, and we sorta agreed that I identified with mom more than him; maybe to the point of not wanting to have any part of being a boy..at least for a while.”
“But apart from this new thing with Claire, you’ve always acted like a man…at least toward me. Is there something I don’t know?” She looked at him suspiciously, but relaxed when he said the following,
“Just dressing up in my mom’s clothes when I was in middle school. I don’t know why I started up again so late, since I hadn’t even thought about dressing until a few months ago.”
“Well, at least you’re looking at why.” She said it as if knowing would provide a cure for what he “had.” Todd resisted the urge to argue that he needed no cure. Starting something now would be too much for both of them to handle. He walked over and knelt down in front of her, kissing her on the cheek and hugged her.
“I’ve got another appointment on Thursday. I want you to look at a few things I’ve written while I’m with Katie. I think what I’ve printed might give you a better idea of why I do what I do. If you don’t mind, you can read the stories and the article and we can discuss this when I come home. I want you to understand at least as much as I do. You are important to me, and I love you so much. I’m…Claire is not so important that I want to jeopardize what we have, but at the same time, she’s not just an idea or a thing that I do…she’s a part of me I need you to know. Okay…?”
Jeannie thought carefully about her next words. She wanted to say what was in her heart, and she wanted Todd to know how important he was to her.
“I’m willing to do whatever it takes to understand and appreciate an important part of the one person in the world I love more than anyone else, so yes, I’ll read what you wrote...Claire.”
"In Her Eyes - from the album Awake by Josh Groban
Music and lyrics by Molly Kaye, Andy Selby, Michael Hunter Ochs, Jeffrey Cohen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2SdL_xRO8T8
Next: A Day of Discovery
When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
In that moment,I know why I'm alive
Daddy had gone back to work after months of recovery from his heart attack, and Mommy was still working in her job at the pet shop. He was going to be alone, probably for almost the whole day. No interruptions for at least eight hours. He walked nervously down the hall and opened the closet door. Mommy didn't sleep in the same bed as Daddy, probably not since Jerry was born, and she kept all of her clothes in the closet outside what used to be "their" bedroom. He reached in and quickly found what he was looking for. The soft satin was more soothing than thrilling at that point; he was only fourteen and he had already discovered how provocative and exciting her clothes were, even if they were somewhat mundane. They were at least pretty and comforting, and the temptation to pleasure himself had diminished as he felt more like a girl and less like a boy in his mother's dress.
Jeannie sat on the couch, her legs curled up underneath her as she read the story her husband had written. Two things struck her as interesting; the story was well-written comparatively speaking when she realized he had only been writing for a short time. But more importantly, it gave her insight into his "habit," as it were. This was more than just a curiosity or even obsession with clothing. Like he had said to her days before, it wasn't just about the dress.
He stood in front of the mirror in "their" bedroom, wondering what he would do if anyone came home early. The urge to dress had outweighed any thought of discovery and he had made his transformation, such as it was, almost as soon as his mother left for work. He was too scared to risk cosmetics at this point, and his hair was short enough almost to make him cry. But the clothing helped him approximate the image his mother projected; that is when she actually embraced her own femininity. She was more likely to wear slacks and a sweater than a dress at this point, feeling insecure and not at all good about herself. So her pretty dresses languished in the closet, almost begging for someone else to free them from their prison.
"I never..." Jeannie started to think out loud. "His mother was so beat down and broken. Oh, God what she must have gone through...?” Jeannie blinked out a few tears. She had always gotten along so well with Todd's mother, but always felt there was something vacant and sad behind her eyes. She read on.
A simple dress...dark green with a full skirt wrapped the boy in bliss. He had finally decided upon a name... Claire, after his mother's sister. A favorite aunt, she seemed to be the one who would have accepted him as Claire if he had the courage to share with her. The dress covered the obligatory lingerie, which was just a pair of panties, a bra, half slip and pantyhose. No shoes of her mother's would fit, so Claire stood admiring her image in her stocking feet. She liked what she saw and hated it at the same time. She would have reacted with a melancholy sigh had she the opportunity, but her daydreams were interrupted when she noticed a familiar face looming over her shoulder in the mirror...Mom was looking at her and she wasn't happy at all. No nice mother-daughter moment like in the stories she read on line. No sweet and sentimental introductions. No heartwarming acceptance. He turned to face his mother and was greeted with a very painful slap to his face.
Jeannie used her hand to wipe away some tears, but they fell upon the page as she considered what her husband had written.
"He told me his mother slapped him hard enough to give him a bloody nose....I wonder if this actually happened,” she thought as she looked down at the page once again.
"This is too real not to be..." she thought.
”And he wanted to be so much like her."
Jeannie was struggling with her own feelings. This wasn't anything like she expected, and certainly nothing like what she "signed up for," when they got engaged. She was angry at Todd for being so dishonest with her, but try as she did, she was unable to stay focused ....the anger dissipated as she thought how much betrayal he must have felt when he realized that the one person he wanted to please had rejected him.
She put her hand to her face, angry that she was crying...it shouldn’t be this way. He didn't deserve her sympathy after all the lies. But it wasn't sympathy that caused her to cry. It was the very same love she wanted to demonstrate when she agreed to read this story. She certainly wasn't weeping for Claire at that point, but she felt so sorry for her husband. She wiped the tears from her eyes and continued to read.
The boy ran out of the room and into his own bedroom down the hall. No tearful forgiving reunion between mother and son; certainly no love ever between mother and "daughter" would ever take place. He threw himself on his bed and wept into his pillow, unable to stop the waves of guilt and shame that assaulted him so powerfully that he got physically ill. No promises of reconciliation that day, and he felt more hopeless than at any point in his life.
Jeannie put the papers down next to her on the couch. She wept angry tears, bitter shameful tears wrought with confusion and doubt as well. She should have been entitled to be angry at this point, and in part she was, since he had deceived her from the start. Would she even have considered marriage if she knew her husband was as damaged as he was? He had lied; both by what he said and more so by what was never told. He had not allowed her to know him completely, and that didn't just anger her; she felt that her love for him had been betrayed. But the anger was nowhere near as intense as the sadness she felt for him.
She realized that this story wasn't just a fictitious example of his "habit." No mere story...this was real...it had actually happened, and she felt the absolute despair and shame come through each word on the page. She looked down at the paper on the couch and grew angry again, but not at Todd, although she still was hurt by his deception.
She grew angry with herself for having thought that her husband was odd or strange. He was damaged, but not by the cross-dressing. He was damaged because of the rejection he felt every day as part of who he was; scarred with wounds that were so deep that they were hidden from sight by the shame and guilt visited upon him every day by his mother's neglect.
“So, tell me Claire, after looking over your story, is there anything that sticks out that you want to talk about. I thought it might be helpful if you and I were looking at the same things that Jeannie might be reading right now. That way, whatever questions she has will already be something we’ve discussed, yes?”
Katie smiled and offered Claire a bottle of water. She had been crying almost non-stop since she’d arrived at Katie’s office. Something about feeling safe allowed her to be vulnerable, even if she was still outwardly Todd Sinclair.
“I…I think I want to talk about…” She broke down once more. Rocco was used to being around clients that cried, and being the clever dog he was, hopped off the couch and grabbed a packet of Kleenex from the table next to Katie.
“It’s the slap in the face that’s botherin’ you, dear, isn’t it?” Katie wasn’t making any real assumptions. Todd had alluded to that very thing when he called the day before to confirm.
“I couldn’t believe it….I….she …she never hit me before that…ever…No spanking…nothing.”
“And you couldn’t believe it was happening…it was so foreign, if I may use that word, from what you were used to?” Katie leaned forward and waited for Claire to raise her head.
“It hurt real bad, didn’t it, Claire?” She smiled softly in acceptance, prompting Claire to speak.
“I don’t know if I’ve ever been hurt like that in my life. Even Daddy hitting me was easier to take than that. It was like she was telling me that she hated me…” She sobbed and wiped the tears out of her eyes, but they were coming almost too fast to clear.
“She never apologized for it…ever. Funny thing…she never ever mentioned the dressing. I wanted to talk to her about it, but every time she’d say, I don’t ever want to know…” Claire forgot the tissue in her hand and wiped her face with her sleeve.
“You tried to talk but she wouldn’t talk…it was like?” Katie prompted her but gave no hint, wanting to hear Claire say what was fairly obvious.
“She didn’t want to know me…her own son.” Claire slipped in a way, using the male noun, but it really reflected how she felt. In rejecting Claire, her mother was rejecting Todd as well.
“From that day until the day she died…she never would even use my name if she was talking to me…no Todd, what do you want for dinner, or Todd, what happened today at school. I felt like a stranger in my own home.”
“You felt like a stranger…like you didn’t...
“It was like I didn’t belong…anywhere.” Claire began to sob once again. In talking about it, it was like reliving each moment of rejection. Her mother never gave her any affirmation whatsoever as Todd, much less as Claire, and it was like being starved slowly.
“But you didn’t stop dressing…you still wanted to be like her? What did your dressing do for you when she wasn’t accepting you at all?” Katie again had an idea, but waited as Claire collected herself.
“I wanted to please her…so much…to be accepted. If I could only…I don’t really know why.”
Claire actually did know, but it was almost too painful to say. She thought for a moment and corrected herself.
“I had to choose…it was like…be like Daddy and grow up and smack my kids, or be like Mommy and just be calm and quiet and take all of the abuse…she always was calm, even when he started hitting her. I had to…” Claire’s voice trailed off.
“You had to what?” Katie had lived this in her own childhood, and knew exactly how Claire felt.
“I had to protect…I didn’t know how to be….” Claire turned and laid her head on the back of the couch and sobbed.” Rocco jumped up on the couch and used his muzzle to nudge Claire, as if to offer solace.
“I couldn’t be like him…no….never….he was so cruel…she just ignored me.”
“But you didn’t know how to really be like her since she never acknowledged you?”
Katie took her hand and wiped a tear from her own eye, glad that Claire wasn’t looking. It was hard at times to remain objective, which was okay, since she made every effort not to get too personal. But it was human to be moved by another’s pain, she would remind herself.
“And you did the best you could without having anyone teach you…”
“I didn’t know what it was like to be a….boy…to be a good kid, you know?” Claire’s voice sounded more like Todd at that point.
“So you became a good girl…even if nobody noticed?” Katie looked at Claire as if to show that she was “noticing” her.
“Can I ask you a question, Dr. Kelly?” Claire said as she once again used her sleeve to wipe her face.
“How did I end up here? I figured out sort of how to be a guy…I don’t want to be a girl, but here I am.”
“We sometimes don’t have all the things we need to get the job done, I suppose. There are lots of boys and girls who grow up sorta bein’ their own parents. It’s amazing after all you’ve told me that you’ve done such a good job bein’ your own mom and dad, so to speak. What do you think?”
“I think I always wanted to be good, period. To be kind, like my Aunt Claire…to be gentle like Grandpa.” She sniffled and wiped her nose with the Kleenex in her hand.
“So there were some folks who maybe taught you without tellin’ you a thing?” Katie smiled.
“I guess so…they were always so nice…so kind.” She started to weep at the memory of losing both of them years before.
“If you don’t mind me sayin’, I think for folks who never taught you anything, they did a good job and you turned out just fine.”
Katie smiled, Rocco nudged, and Claire fell back into the couch weeping once again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tO5xwaqU8PQ
Next — Confession.
When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
In that moment,I know why I'm alive
Jeannie was still sitting on the couch when Claire; rather Todd got home. As anxious as Todd was to talk, Jeannie was not, and made it clear even before Todd sat down.
"I know you want to talk, but I'm not ready to. I don't know what to make of all this...it's almost as difficult as when I saw Claire for the first time. There are too many emotions coming at me from all directions." She paused and took a sip of her coffee before continuing.
"I still love you, but I am so angry right now." She looked at the papers sitting next to her on the couch and said,
"This is all too much for me to handle right now. I feel like I went through the wringer, and I am so upset." She looked away and choked back a sob
"Jeannie..." Todd began, but she cut him off.
"No...Not now." Almost like a child, she jumped up off the couch and threw the book in her lap at the fireplace. "I need to be alone...tonight"
Todd stood in the doorway as she walked away. Even at her angriest, she usually would kiss him. Sort of like, "Don't worry, we'll get through this." Not tonight, and Todd wondered how many more nights like this would pass before she was ready to talk.
"Good morning...Jeannie." Todd looked up from the paper to see his wife. It was Saturday morning, and they usually ate breakfast at the diner down the street. Jeannie was dressed, not to go to breakfast, but much more like she was going to work.
"Phil asked me if I could look at the Stephens account, and I told him I would...I should be back by four. Would you do some laundry?" Her tone was professional, as if she was speaking to a co-worker.
"Shhsure..." Todd stammered. He tried one last time before she left. "Jeannie..."
She cut him off with, "I don't want to talk about it...just drop it...Todd." At least she called him by name, but her cold refusal almost mirrored the rejection he felt as a child when his mother refused, likely for the very same reason. Tears came to his eyes, which he immediately tried to hide. Her perception of him as her husband had changed, maybe even as a man, and he was sure the tears would be seen as a sign of weakness...feminine.
"I want to go to church tomorrow. If you want to come with me, we can go for lunch afterwards." That part of the routine seemed to be intact, but it was the way she said "I want to go to church," that bothered him. He wondered if she wanted to "pray" about his problem...perhaps even seek counseling. Todd to be sure, was confused himself. He had considered himself a Christian...maybe more with a small "c," and was conflicted since much of what he knew and had grown to accept about himself was contrary to the teachings of the church they attended. He needed to find another place of worship. Sure it was wrong, but pressing the issue was almost pointless. Why would he want to continue to attend there? It would be like walking into Ming's Palace down the street and being upset that they didn't offer Meat Pies or Fish and Chips. He wasn't going to force the issue at this point, though. He had no energy for anything other than the preservation of his marriage, and any conciliation would likely help to at least warm the home up and get rid of some of the frost in the air.
"I'm writing 'cause she is upset, and I don't know how to get past her defenses enough to convince her I still love her. I've been crying all day, and I'm so tired of it all. It's just not worth the effort...to have my way. I'd give it all up in a heartbeat if I thought she'd let me in." His message had been sitting there, sent nearly three hours before. His friend...sister...interesting relationships had sprung from his involvement on the site He hadn't know "her" all that long, but she was understanding; having gone through the challenge and almost arduous task of convincing her own wife about her transgender status.
"You've got to give it time....she still feels betrayed, and her guard is up. I had a different reaction from my wife," "Nina" had said She knew before we married that I was transgender...We have an understanding about Nina that grew over time. Even knowing before the wedding, my wife was still nervous and reluctant about embracing this part of me. How much more difficult for your wife when you surprised her?" Nina's note said.
"And she had just bought a new outfit to impress her husband, if I recall your note from last week. Her own identity as a woman was hurt by that. So she's going to need time to take this all in. You said she read some of your stories...what became of that?" Nina wrote and sent the message. Todd read her response after going back on line later in the afternoon after doing some chores and some laundry. He pondered Nina's question and wrote back.
"It's been three weeks since she read the stories, and her only comment was more about how she could understand how I "turned out' the way I did, like I had some sort of deficiency or illness. We did end up talking about how distant my mother grew after she found me, but that's as far as that went. And we'd already talked about how my father beat me, so that really wasn't an issue for the moment. It's like I wrote last week...it's "Now that we know,” I can be 'fixed” or worse yet, healed.
The pastor wants to get together with me next Monday after work to "talk," but I know already where he's coming from since he's spoken a few times about the subject. He’s kind enough as it goes you know..."hate the sin, love the sinner." But it just reminds me of when my mother was little. She went to a Parochial school; I don't even know what denomination. She was left-handed, and they tried to change her...Did you know that the word "sinister" means left-handed. Her brain is wired to write with her left hand and they kept hitting it with a ruler and placing the pencil in her right hand. I wonder if they'll smack my head every time I have a thought about Claire.lol"
Todd sent the message to Nina, and didn't hear back for several days. Nina had a family emergency and spent no time at all en femme or on line. When she did respond, she wrote back the following;
"Dear Claire; know that you are in my thoughts. I know it's hard, but you'll have to be patient. Even though you've made a good effort to set this aside, the temptation is to bring it all back out again with any small success in your relationship with your wife. Your focus has to be on your wife and her needs right now. Anything less could be perceived as you cooperating just to get your way. It took almost two years before Nina was able to "come out" at home, and only in "baby steps" as Bill Murray put it. You've waited this long...I know it's hard and it hurts like hell, but be patient, sweetie."
“I know this must be frustratin’ and all…how do you feel today?” Katie looked at Claire, who was sitting on the couch as usual. What was unusual was today the first time she had worn any of ‘her” clothing to a session. They had agreed that she could change while there, and change back so that her appearance wouldn’t further upset Jeannie”
“I’m tired….I seem to be running out of ways to be nice to Jeannie, and she isn’t responding much to what I have done.” She looked away, as if to find strength.
“My time with the pastor was predictable, and very uncomfortable.” She looked around and Rocco was actually at her feet with a brand new pack of Kleenex.
“He went through all of the reasons why it was wrong, but he was kindly and didn’t say anything condemning.” She dabbed her eyes with the tissue and continued.
“The thing is, up until we started having this issue, we hardly went to that church at all. In fact, we had plans to attend that Saturday night church you guys have been attending. And the other part of this whole process is that she said she’d like to talk with Gina concerning all of this, seeing how you folks have a lot of experience in this area. Makes no sense to me, seeing how you’re really an example of success at something she’d rather avoid.”
“I knew about her and Gina ‘cause Gina was surprised about it as well. I think Jeannie really wants to get past the whole issue, and Gina has always been very friendly with her. It’s like she can trust Gina, and that’s a good thing, even if it is a little awkward. I trust that my wife will have at least the “right” answers to Jeannie’s questions. I believe they’re getting together on Saturday afternoon for lunch. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see”
It was becoming increasingly clear that Claire wasn’t just a way for Todd to ‘dress up.” Claire indeed had been around much longer than she had remembered.
“Do you tell her you love her?” A question directed physically to Claire, but in fact toward Todd.
“Every day! I kiss her on the cheek as much as she allows, and she’s not shying away. I think there have been a few times when she wanted to respond, but she still is upset. She doesn’t act angry, and more than once I found her crying to herself when I entered a room abruptly. It’s like she wants to understand and accept me, but something just keeps getting in the way.”
“I think your blog last week, “Why I dress,” would answer a lot of questions about her husband and how it all fits together. Now I’m not one for manipulation, but I think I’m going to download that and give it to Gina to give to Jeannie on Saturday. Something they can go over together. I’ll make sure that Gina tells her ahead of time so that she doesn’t feel put upon or surprised. If she refuses, no real harm, but she may just agree to have a look see. It certainly is less intense than anything in your fiction, and it may be a way for you to talk to her without talking, if you follow me.”
Katie smiled and offered Claire a bottle of water, which she accepted. She was crying less, feeling more secure in herself despite the continued….it couldn’t be called rejection at this point since the frost had lessened. Despite the continued lack of acceptance; it seemed more than ever that things were going to change….no indication of sooner or later, as some might say.
“So I understand you two went for a walk?” Katie asked. Claire smiled and said,
“It was such a surprise…I mean for Todd.” There was no disassociation; just an easy way to keep track of who was where when…and how it all related to Jeannie
“I had just loaded the dishwasher and she walked over and grabbed my hand. I went to kiss her, but she pulled away, but still holding my hand. We ended up going for a walk, but it felt so…detached. I think she just wants to work up to our trust slowly. I understand, but it hurts.” Claire started to cry and her face turned red from embarrassment.
“Todd may be a little out of his league when it comes to romance….maybe like a lot of fellas, but Claire misses the cuddlin’ and kissin’, yes?” Katie looked with understanding and continued,
“She’s that part of you that really, if you want to say, that Jeannie fell in love with first…the sensitive part of Todd, the sweet and attentive part. Now I’m not sayin’ all men fall short in that area, but for you…I believe you said…” Katie purposely failed to finish the sentence.
“She couldn’t believe how well she related to me…she even said it herself again the other day…it was like she had another girlfriend to confide in.” Claire’s face once again reddened with embarrassment.
Katie looked at Claire and broke into a wide grin, prompting Claire to almost look sideways at her. She smiled again and said,
“Now I’m not promisin’ anyting, dear one, but I think you may have figured out just why she is so…reticent to embrace your persona.” Katie smiled yet again.
“I’m not goin’ to say just yet, but I have an idea that may explain what appears to me more than anything to be her fears…let’s just let her talk with my wife and maybe we’ll we will see what we will see, yes?”
When You Say You Love Me as sung by Josh Groban
Words and Music by Robin Scoffield and Mark Hammond
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tO5xwaqU8PQ
Next: Confession
That I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face.
I am staggered by your beauty,
Your unassuming grace.
And I feel my heart is turning,
Falling into place.
I can't hide
Now hear my confession.
It's really simple...I'm not quite sure why I dress; at least any one reason. What I can say is that this has been a part of my life for almost as long as I can remember. My counselor reminded me that there's been a lot written about "a boy and his dress," not all of it accurate, and a lot that we just don't know. For me, it's more about who I am than what I'm wearing. I've often thought about how it all fits together. I'm not completely comfortable about everything I feel and think regarding my cross dressing. Certainly, the whole self-pleasure aspect of it, for me at least, leaves me feeling odd and often leads to self-condemnation.
When Jeannie had read "self-pleasure" she had become angry and hurt all over again. Understandably, she had begun to question her own self-worth, wondering just what was so wrong with her that her husband would choose to "pleasure himself" rather than come to her for the love and support she had already shown for him. Just what was wrong that he preferred his own company? What kind of man would want that over what she had to give? She wept harder over that than anything Todd had demonstrated, said, or written.
"Come fare questo? Che cosa un fottuto bastardo! How could he do this...What a fucking bastard."
Her Sicilian usually didn't "rise up." Geovana Caliva Sinclair was a forgiving woman; she had forgiven her own parents for being so distant and neglectful. But for her husband to betray her like this?
"What's wrong with me?" she questioned. It took her nearly a half-hour of crying before she returned to the page, and even then, her tears stained the pages as she continued.
I hate myself when I do that. My wife is the most precious gift I ever received. Did you know that her name actually means "Gift of God?" How could I betray her like this...how fucking sick am I that I turn my back on the blessing I've received? But I know that a lot of what happens...no, not happens. My choice to masturbate is not an event without my control...it's a choice. I can't say that it's wrong...but it's entirely wrong for me. And for me, it cheapens the real part of me that is Claire. The part of me that is so important to how I think and act and love and give...She's the reason I'm as "good" as I am...why I function even though my mother hated me and my father beat me. To me...being able to resist...It isn't because I'm better than anyone else...far from it. It's really about why I feel a love for myself...sorry, odd contextual use of the word...why I can hold myself as being important and human. To me, it's never been about the dress. I wish I could find the words to tell her…my wife…how much I love her without having to give this part of me up.
Each time I see your face.
I am staggered by your beauty,
Your unassuming grace.
And I feel my heart is turning,
Falling into place.
I can't hide
Now hear my confession.
"He's all over the place,” Jeannie thought to herself. "First it's about jacking off...then he's saying he loves me? I just don't get it” She was more angry than embarrassed at that point, but she was determined to read this through. She wanted to have it all settled when she talked to Gina.
I am so ashamed...there are days when I want to die...Maybe you feel like that too? Feeling like you’ll never be able to share this part of you with the ones you love? The only time I ever shared ...unintentionally...Claire with anyone, my mother slapped me. We had a great...pretty good relationship up to that point. From the time she found me in her dress...I was fourteen...until she died a couple of years ago...she never once again used my given name...and she never let me explain. She was never a warm person to begin with...I suppose that happens when you're abandoned by your own dad...but whatever love she had for me died that day. I cry every day...every fucking day for that. I'm a grown man...married to a beautiful woman; the most caring loving person I know...and yet I'm stuck at fourteen...still looking in the mirror over my shoulder at the most cruel hateful look I will ever know. I wanted to be so much like her....I wanted to please her...I never could.
Jeannie read the words and her efforts to remain distant went for naught. She read the words “when I want to die." over and over again. She couldn't believe how much shame her husband had suffered for so long. She knew about the "discovery" but she never knew just how much hurt Todd had held in. She never saw him cry...at least like how he described. She was angry again...It wasn't fair for him to write sad pitiful words in the middle of this...she wanted so much to remain angry, but "the most caring loving person I know?" She didn't feel very caring or loving at the moment, but try as she might; she was unable to staunch the tears that flowed. She wanted to hate her husband, but she had nothing but love for him. Not LOVE...that was gone, maybe for good...but the soft, unfettered acceptance that tried oh so hard without success not to forgive. Whatever the outcome over all this other stuff...she wasn't even sure she still wanted to be married...the part of Geovana Caliva Sinclair that was real and alive and human could never not love. She was as her husband had so aptly put it, the most caring loving person he knew, and nothing would change that...A divorce ...separation ...estrangement ...she might never love him ever again in the same way, but she would never stop loving him either.
Thought I was strong without you.
For so long nothing could move me.
For so long nothing could change me.
I want to be who I am...I suppose everyone does. But not at the expense of my marriage. Claire is just part of the whole. If I never ever again wore a dress...or slacks or a skirt and blouse...lol...If I never dressed the "part" ever again, it would be entirely worth it if I could hold my wife in my arms and never let go. I dress because it's an expression of who I am inside. Claire Elizabeth is a kind caring and hopefully encouraging part of me. I chose the name because it's my mom's sister's name. She was a lovely woman...died a few years ago...who was as kind and warm and loving as my mother was cold and uncaring. I’d like to think that if anyone would accept this part of me, it would be her. Some of you have noted that you like what I write because it helps you feel like someone knows you. I've wanted that for myself for as long as I can remember. Claire certainly wasn't born the first time she put on her mother's clothes, but also she certainly didn't die the day she was rejected by her mother either. I hope that is true for you as well...that you somehow find acceptance from the ones you love and who love you. It's really about love and acceptance and relationship anyway....it's really not about the dress. Thanks for reading ...Claire
Jeannie looked blankly into space, wondering what the future held. Her crying had subsided only just a little and she found herself wiping her face with her sleeve. She was still angry and hurt. She was confused and a little scared. She didn’t know what she was going to do…it was too painful to even imagine how things would work out. But she knew what she wasn’t going to do. One brief prayer in the midst of all the tears…
”What do you want me to do? Tell me, oh God, what do I do?”
One thing became clear. No matter how painful or difficult it was going to be, she would not stop loving Todd…ever.
Each time I see your face.
I am staggered by your beauty,
Your unassuming grace.
And I feel my heart
Falling into place.
I can't hide
Now hear my confession.
I can't hide
Now hear my confession.
Hear my confession
My Confession as sung by Josh Groban
Words and music by Richard Page
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4BOqdeaOsk
Sento nell'aria profumo di te
Piccoli sogni vissuti con me
Ora lo so, non voglio perderti
Quella dolcezza cosᬠsenza etá
La tua bellezza rivali non ha
Il cuore mio vuole soltanto te
I smell in the air the scent of you
Little dreams had lived with me
Now I know, I don’t wanna lose you
That sweetness which has no age
Your beauty has no rivals
My heart wants only you
"I've got an idea, sweetie, hear me out before deciding." Gina paused and took in a breath, mostly for courage."
"You're going to be upset anyway. Let me come over there. I'll pick up a pizza and we can just talk okay?"
"I don't know..." Jeannie wanted so much to stop crying. She was angry that she had wasted so much emotion on this already and she was really tired."
"I'll stop at Vesuvius and I can be over there by 5...Katie's meeting with Claire from 5 to 7 or so, I'll just let them know we'll be here...maybe they can go out for coffee." Gina prayed that her friend would agree...she had something to tell...rather show Jeannie that she needed to know. What she would share wouldn’t necessarily change Jeannie's mind about the relationship, but it might provide her with insight about her husband.
"Come on, girl...I know you know you're hungry after all that crying, and you need a shoulder, just in case it starts again."
"O...okay." Jeannie was hungry, Gina was a friend, and Vesuvius had the best onion and garlic pies in the area. At worst, when Todd came home, her kiss was guaranteed to make him think twice before kissing her. She still was angry, despite the tears, and anticipated the 'big talk" was just around the bend, and she wanted to be ready to steel herself to any emotion that was already wearing down her defenses.
Gina hung up the phone and reached into her purse and produced a very worn envelope, the contents of which had been examined the day before by Katie and Claire.
"Are you sure you want to do this, Lad?" Katie asked, belying the figure of the attractive woman sitting across from her on the couch. Claire was fifteen minutes early, anxious to hear whatever news Katie had for her. But it was Todd that Katie wanted to talk with, despite the woman in the rust colored brocade skirt and jacket.
"It's too hard in the not-knowing, Dr. Kelly." She said softly. "I need to know what it says. I picked up a little of it when I first read it, but I don’t know Scots Gaelic. All I know is I was hurt that mom left me to read it after she died."
"All right lad." Katie said softly. She had talked with Bobby McTavish, a friend from Ben's old Rugby team who knew Scots-Gaelic." Bobby was a gay cop from Philly and had gone through his own rejection. When Katie asked about the note, Bobby looked at Katie and simply said,”
"No mother should write a letter like this to her own son, no matter what." The look on Bobby's face had been one of sheer horror.
"He wrote the translation above the original" She looked down at the letter and tears came to her eyes. Katie usually was able to maintain objectivity, but now was struggling with it, having been reminded of how her father had treated her. She went on,
"I have to ask once again, Todd...is this something you really want to know. We can stop this right now and destroy this letter."
"No...I need to know just what was so bad." Without ceremony, Katie began to read.
You have been nothing but a disappointment to me since the day you were born. Your brother Craig set an example that apparently you were either unwilling or unable to follow, which I cannot understand. Your brother Jerry had no problem, so I can only assume that you chose not to act like a man. I prefer to believe, without evidence, that you were unwilling, since at least I can say that you were a rebel instead of a pathetic excuse for a man.
You are not my son. I have only two children now, and you are a stranger to me. If I could, I would have preferred to die in childbirth rather than have you as my child, but that would have meant that your brother Jerry would never have been born. You are not welcome at my funeral. I have left instructions that you be reminded of such if you attend. You cannot be prevented from attending the church service, but your brothers will not permit you to attend any other aspect of my funeral.
Agnes Sinclair
Katie was glad in a way that Claire had once again buried her face in the bolster of the couch. She had read this twice in order to be prepared not to break down when she read it to Claire and she was having some success in that she was quiet even though her own eyes were filled with tears. It was Claire who sat on the couch, so nicely dressed, so lady-like and attractive, but it was Todd who wept bitterly. He had gleaned a few words from the letter with his limited understanding of Scots-Gaelic, but in no way could ever have anticipated the intense hatred his mother had for him. His brothers never followed through with the instructions and Craig never told him what his mother had said. So his mother's hatred died with her and so he could never know just why she hated. So he wept. Katie quickly dried her tears and went to retrieve two bottles of water for them.
After almost twelve minutes, Claire raised her head. She had worn no mascara that day, which benefited her face and Katie’s couch. Rocco had jumped up and placed his head on Claire’s lap, waiting for the scratch behind the ears that was more likely to distract Claire at that point…clever dog, I suppose, but he could actually anticipate someone’s need for his presence.
“Tell me what’s goin’ on inside, dear.” Katie said. She knew that Claire wasn’t a rebel, and was entirely convinced that at least Todd thought himself a pathetic excuse.
“She never told me; my Aunt Clare had to tell me…” She wiped her face with her sleeve.
“When she was about eleven or twelve, her father walked up to mom and Uncle Todd and said to them…” Claire choked back a sob, hoping to continue, but was only able to speak after crying again for about ten minutes.
“You’re not my kids anymore, he said! Can you believe that? What a fucking bastard.” Again, it was Claire sitting in front of Katie, but it was Todd who was angry, but sadder.
“Aunt Claire wouldn’t talk about it for the longest time…but she sat me down just before she died.
“Todd, she said….there’s a reason for your mom’s bitterness, and it has nothing to do with you”
Katie leaned forward, wondering where this was leading, but fearful that she already knew. Her fears were confirmed when Todd continued.
“So she says to me, Daddy grew tired of them…they were getting too old.” Todd choked back a sob but continued.
“I can’t even say the words, honey, but just this…he turned his attention to me and your Aunt Annie…do you understand? She looked at me and began to cry. She actually leaned forward and covered her face with the comforter in her lap.”
As carefully and gently, Katie said what no one had been able to speak,
“Your grandfather molested his children, didn’t he?” Katie asked softly.
“Yes…” Claire and Todd wept together for the loss of their mother’s innocence and the shame and guilt that plagued her for her whole life.
When Claire’s weeping began to abate, Katie said to her softly.
I guess that explains her appearance, dear. Remember you told me she hardly ever wore dresses, and she was always lookin’ like she didn’t want to be attractive. This certainly explains it. And maybe why she resented you wearing her clothing? Not to make a joke of it…” It really was sadly ironic,
“You wanted to be just like her, and she didn’t want to be her at all” Katie noted that Claire had stopped crying.
“Are you okay, dear?” Katie smiled warmly
“I think...I guess so,” she said, taking a very large swig from her water bottle.
“I’ve got an idea…let’s go get some coffee. I’ve nothing on the schedule for tomorrow; we can get back to this. Why don’t you come over to my place? I’m sure Gina won’t mind, and she’s cooking
Ká¶ttbullar, Swedish meatballs with gravy, potatoes, jam, and pickled cucumber.” Claire looked at her sideways.
“Great grandmother’s name was Olsson; she’s one quarter Swedish’ on her mothers’ side.”
The two rose to their feet, followed quickly by Rocco, who raced to the front door.
Dimmi che questo non finirá mai
Senza di te non voglio esistere
Tell me that this is not gonna change
Without you I don’t wanna exist
Jeannie sat at her kitchen table sipping on a diet Sierra Mist while Gina finished her third slice of pizza. Jeannie had hardly touched her first, instead staring at the worn stationary sitting on the table.
“This can’t be true…it can’t be.” Jeannie believed the letter to be true, every bit of it. What she was speaking of was the absolute cold reality that had just slapped her in the face.
“I’m sorry, honey,’ she said to Gina. “We’ve known each other since we were little kids; you were my first friend when we moved here.
“Your first friend? You punched me in the nose!” Gina said with mock indignation. After a rough start, they did become friends. Jeannie’s uncle and aunt lived right around the corner from Gina and her mom. They spent time each summer visiting when Jeannie’s mother grew tired of having to interrupt her series of highballs to see to her daughter’s needs.
"Come fottutamente folle ᨠla nostra famiglia," Jeannie said which evoked a quizzical look on Gina's face.
“Todd’s brother once said this and I never knew it; it’s almost like it should be on the Sinclair family crest “How fucking crazy is our family” She looked at the letter once again, growing angry at a man who had been dead for decades.
“How can anyone do that to a child? What…how?” A look of horror grew wider across Jeannie’s face. “Oh god…Their house…his uncle…they used to stay there in the summer…”
Gina anticipated this, having talked with Katie and Claire the night before. She put down her pizza and diet Coke and walked over to where Jeannie was sitting.
Jeannie picked up the letter, a family relic best left hidden or buried, but out in the open, finally revealing its secrets. She looked at it, almost reverently before ripping it up. She fell onto her arms on the table and began to weep. Gina stood behind her and leaned over and hugged her.
“Oh Dio, cosa dobbiamo fare ora. Mi dicono?” She sobbed and said it over and over.
Gina wasn’t fluent in Italian, but had gleaned enough over the years to know what it meant.
“Oh God, what do we do now? Tell me?” She was glad for one thing, but that was the one thing that held promise, even in the midst of all the madness that had been the Sinclair family. Geavanna Caliva Sinclair was asking God what they…Todd and her...could do.
Gina continued to hug her friend and simply said what her father Johnny used to say,
“Oh mio dolce bambino ... voi tenere amorevole e pregare (oh my sweet child, you keep loving and praying)
I mustn’t say it to you, by now you know it
Che morirei, senza di te
That I would die without you
Per Te as sung by Josh Groban
from the Album "Closer"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Spa1dt2aC0Y
Il vento che soffia piano
Questa notte cambia il mio destino
E sento che il cuore ancora si sorprenderá
Katie was providing her counseling as a blessing to the trans-gender community, but still felt constrained by ethical expectations and certainly wanted Claire to receive as much help as possible. Katie was certainly disappointed at being unable to help her friend, but Todd's problems went beyond the gender identity issues that brought him to Katie in the first place.
Again, it was Claire who sat across from Katie, as it had been the last few weeks. But Todd spoke, almost on behalf of her.
"But I trust you...it's so hard to talk...to open up to another counselor?" Katie nodded to acknowledge Todd's dilemma.
"I just don't know...ever since we started talking about my mother's abuse, I've had this feeling, sort of deep-down, that something was wrong...that something was about to happen, and it doesn't feel right...or good."
"That's why I think I need some help here...I don't have the experience regarding this. Most of my experience before I opened up this office was as a guidance counselor in a middle school. I certainly want to do whatever I can, but you need someone who has expertise and training in the matter." Katie looked and it was almost as if Todd had disappeared back into the Claire persona as she began to cry soft tears, sobbing gently.
'Dr. Kelly, I can't begin to thank you for the help you've given me." She choked back a sob and continued.
"I'm so afraid of what I'm going to find out. I've had these feelings for the past few months...It's scary...like something bad is about to happen, and I can't get it out of my mind that it has to do with what ha....happened...to my...mother." By now the tears were flowing freely. It had become all confused and jumbled up. Claire almost hated her mother for how she was treated growing up. The Todd part of her...mostly who she really was...was ignored, and the Claire part of her...the part of her that tried so hard to please her mother, was confused at the compassion she was having for a woman who treated the child as an outcast.
She wanted to hate her mother, but after remembering the horrible treatment her own mother had received; the rejection and the abuse and neglect and the sexual dysfunction that had destroyed her family; Claire felt compelled not just to pity her mother. She wanted so very badly to remain in the hatred she had nurtured over the years toward her mother, but the part of her that was kind and loving and forgiving; the part of her that was so much like her gentle namesake...there would no longer be hatred or bitterness.
"Dr. Arcola is a friend of mine from grad school. He went on to get his MD to go along with his psych degree, and you'll be in good hands." Katie smiled and offered Claire a bottle of water, which she accepted quickly. Claire had begun to become ill, with no discernible reason other than nausea that took her at a moment's notice. She was struggling with the underlying uneasiness, and Katie was certain she knew what was causing Todd/Claire's problem, but wanted a second opinion as well as a resource for them.
"What do you think is happening...tell me what is going on when this nausea overtakes you?
"I really can't say...." Claire's voice trailed off, but the look on her face indicated she was beginning to understand what was happening, and it was more an understandable unwillingness than lack of insight.
"Darlin' as my mother used to say, your voice is sayin' no, but your face is sayin' yes. It sounds to me like you're afraid to speak what you already suspect."
Claire said nothing and looked away. Katie felt more helpless than at any time in her career, believing she had failed Claire and by extension, Jeannie and the couple’s relationship.
E sará ..
And will be...
"I'm telling you, Gina. I honestly don't know what to do." While much of Jeannie's anger with Todd had dissipated, she still was upset and almost felt put upon.
"I mean, what the fuck am I supposed to do? It isn't about Claire anymore...Don't get me wrong...that still pisses me off that he didn't say a word...not a word about this. I had no idea." Gina resisted the temptation to offer an opinion. Todd had been completely understanding and stood by Jeannie when she finally confronted her parents about their own neglect of Jeannie, being preoccupied for most of her life with parties and functions that included wine and liquor and excluded little girls, even the day or several days after those parties were over.
"Let me ask you this, hon...What do you think you're supposed to do? What in your heart tells you how to treat him? Do you still love him" Gina knew there was still a spark left in the relationship; they had shared as much the other night.
Jeannie looked at Gina as if she had two heads...as if what she were about to say was obvious.
"Of course I still love him...I wouldn't be so fucking angry with him if I didn't” She went from vehement and angry to sad in a second.
"What happened here? Why did this happen to him? Now he won't talk to me...It's like he's afraid of something. He just looks at me with that stupid Frodo Baggins "I'm okay" face of his and walks away. It isn't okay....I want my husband back."
"Sounds an awful lot like a girl I used to know..." Gina rubbed her nose, remembering again where Jeannie punched her when they were kids.
"Sounds like you're ready to fight...like the time Connie Calabrese said something about your dad and you clocked her...knocked her on her ass."
Gina thought for a second and started to laugh.
"What's so funny?" Jeannie tried not to, but laughter can be contagious and she was giggling without even knowing what Gina was laughing about.
"Erica...you remember Erica McPherson...she married Mark Kiernan...and Connie and me and even Maura, Mark's sister?"
"Yeah?" Jeannie looked at Gina sideways. "I'm not following you...what?"
"We all have two things in common, three if you count that some of us go to the same church."
"And what would that be?" Jeannie was beginning to figure it out, but Gina just went ahead.
"You punched each of us...right in the face. You were so angry back then." Gina was going to add "and rightfully so, with those loons who posed as parents,' but she held off.
"And now we're all friends...well, Maura's gone..but the rest of us...life-long...like a club...you know...the Sisterhood of the Traveling Punching Bag?" Gina nearly snorted her coffee at the cleverness of her own joke.
"And your point being?" Jeannie asked in mock-angry tone.
"Well, you've always been a fighter...maybe now's the time to get those boxing gloves out of storage?"
Rocco sat outside the bedroom door, gnawing on one of Gina’s old tennis shoes. The door was closed, and normally the shoe wouldn’t have held his attention; he’d be whimpering and barking to come in, but a long day playing with the Sapienza twins…Jeannie Sinclair’s aunt lived down the street, and her two beagles often entertained their gentleman friend Rocco…and he was tired.
“What do you think, darlin’?” Katie asked as she nuzzled her wife’s neck. Katie enjoyed kissing Gina’s neck just behind the ears, which was highly distracting for Gina, who wanted to answer the question.
“I’d bet that Claire…Todd was abused too…sounds too close to home…There was a woman at church…you remember her…Alicia Bartilameo…she started having flashbacks when she was in her late twenties…out of the blue…she spoke at a woman’s meeting a while back. Sometimes this stuff stays down deep for years.”
“I think you’re right. I need you to be prayin,” Katie said, breaking off her attention to Gina’s left ear. “They…Claire and Todd…we should just pick one or the other when we’re talking…”
“Todd, then.”
“Todd agreed to go seen Donny Arcola for this…I’m afraid he’s on the edge of finding out just what happened…not just more about his mother…but to him as well. I'm in way over my head.”
“I think you’re right,” Gina said, adding quickly, "Donny's got the background for this." She noticed the tears in Katie’s eyes.
“You can’t let this get to you, honey. You’ve done everything you could, but he needs help that you can’t provide. And keep in mind where he might be if you hadn’t helped him at all.”
“Oh, I know…It just hurts to see someone in as much pain as he is…as much pain as Jeannie is in. How is she handling this all?”
“Not bad, actually. I got her to read that book, you know…"My Husband Betty." She didn’t want to admit to it, but I think it helped her figure out that Claire isn’t just some thing that Todd wants to do. She’s found a counselor that is willing to work with them when they’re ready but I’m afraid that’s not going to happen anytime soon.
“The calm before the storm?” Katie asked.
“Yeah…what those two are going through…” Gina sat up and looked at Katie. She was exhausted, and the stress of the day had gotten her down. She looked up at Gina with tears in her eyes.
“It’s going to be okay…they’re going to make it. They’re fighters and you’ve sent Todd to the best doctor in the area.’ She smiled at Katie who had put her head in Gina’s lap and was crying softly.
“And honey…Claire has the best counselor as well. I know this is going to be long and painful, but they’re in God’s hands as well.
Gina lifted Katie’s head and cradled her in her arms. She began to kiss her on the face, tenderly brushing Katie’s eyelashes with her lips. She tasted the salt of Katie’s tears as she continued to caress her wife’s face.
“I love you so much, my dear heart. You are my love…my treasure…” She kissed Katie on the lips. Katie was sobbing by now, but even so welcomed the passionate kisses from her bride. Soft hands began to explore Katie’s body. She wept, at last not out of shame but out of relief, feeling utterly loved. Her mouth opened and emitted a soft sigh as Gina turned her attention to Katie’s breasts.
“It’s okay, my dear sweet love,” Gina said, tears filling her own eyes as she kissed her lover. Even as she continued to cry, Katie raised her body slightly to meet Gina’s hands, which were softly caressing and squeezing. Gina’s fingernails danced across Katie’s nipples, evoking an even louder but still sweet sigh from Katie.
“Let me…’ Gina said as her hands probed below, the same fingernails scratched Katie's thigh lightly, while her other hand stroked Katie’s shaft. She leaned back and pulled Katie close,, kissing her passionately before straddling her lover for that intimacy and release they both sought.
“I love you, Katherine Agnes Kelly. I loved you the first time I saw you when you tried to hide from me in your brother’s kitchen. I found the man I loved was a beautiful woman as well. You were so ashamed, but I didn't care...you were so sad and scared that I'd leave but I fell madly in love with you when you wept in my arms. I don’t think there’s anything more beautiful than two women crying joyfully together.”
Gina nuzzled Katie’s neck in the same manner as Katie had only moments before with hers.
Their bodies moved as one as their passion mixed with their spirit; their tears mingling as they kissed and the fears and anxieties of the day were washed away in a flood of emotion and release.
Moments later, the two held each other and wept. Katie’s head was almost buried in Gina’s breast as days of worry and feelings of failure washed away with her tears. Her own hair was soaked with Gina’s tears, as her wife wept out of relief for her lover….the stress they both had felt from the worry over their friends was gone, replaced by a joyful surrender to the end of the day. Soft cooing and murmurs replaced the sobbing which in turn were replaced by the quiet soft sound of Gina singing in Katie’s ear.
Rocco raised his head, taking his attention away from the sneaker. He stood up, looked at the still closed bedroom door and softly padded down the hallway to find something to eat.
Suddenly Love, like the sea
Flooding my heart and my soul
And will save me
It will be natural like breathing
And will be true love healing my heart
Will rise the Light inside of me!
All’Improvviso Amore
as sung by Josh GrobanThat I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face.
I am staggered by your beauty,
Your unassuming grace.
And I feel my heart is turning,
Falling into place.
I can't hide
Now hear my confession.
It had been six weeks since Todd had started work with Donny Arcola. Sadly, as Katie had anticipated, the weeks previous had indeed been the calm before the storm. Only six days after Katie and Claire had talked about getting help, the flashbacks started.
“Todd…you barely paid attention while I was talking…this is hard enough, but if you can’t…”
Jeannie noticed Todd had started to tremble, as if he were cold, but it was a warm day, and he hadn’t complained about being sick.
“What’s wrong? Are you okay?” She asked, but he looked down at his trembling hands and shrugged almost with a vacant look about him.
At first he felt a mere sensation, which was troubling enough. But soon afterwards, Todd began experiencing physical memories which could not have been imagined nor duplicated. An aroma, a taste, even a visual "memory" or sound might seem real, but only be similar to something you'd heard or seen. Physical memories cannot be duplicated, since the point of reference is something that cannot be imagined.
Todd first began experiencing the physical sensations in a vague sense, but the intensity and "reality" of the flashbacks became so invasive as to be physically repulsive. You cannot imagine being sodomized with the physical sensation of the invasion; it cannot be "remembered" unless it actually happened. You can't imagine the taste of semen or the physical sensation of the contour and form of a penis in your mouth if it never happened.
He was so overwhelmed as to become physically ill. The memories of being forced to perform oral sex came next, with his body so overwhelmed as to get ill to the point of vomiting.
“Honey…what’s wrong. Are you alright?” Jeannie asked as Todd emerged from the bathroom.
“Oh God, Todd, go look at your face…what’s wrong?” She was almost pleading at that point. He rushed back into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. He had broken a blood vessel in his right eye, and he had the appearance of new freckles as broken capillaries spread in red blotches across his face.
He was due to see Dr. Arcola the next day, so he called, but got the service instead. He typed out a quick e-mail and sent it off. It was past midnight, but the meds did nothing to help his insomnia. Dr. Arcola had prescribed a sleep inducer, but he was still plagued with insomnia and hyper-vigilance as the memories came more frequently. He wanted to talk with Jeannie but she had already gone to bed/ He sat on the couch and put his head back and closed his eyes
Mean angry faces; actually one face woke him with a start. He heard screams, which he realized were his own.
“Todd, dear God in heaven, what’s wrong?” She was worried; she had never seen him like this…she had never seen anyone like this. He stood in the doorway to the kitchen, bathed from behind by the light over the sink, and shook, almost like he had a chill. Jeannie rushed to his side. Months of defenses from both sides crashed down as Jeannie pulled him into an embrace. As she stroked his hair, he began to cry, harder than he had ever in his life. No words escaped his mouth and Jeannie fought to keep standing as he convulsed while holding her tight.
“Todd….nnnno…it’s okay…I’m here…I’m here, honey...what’s wrong” She patted his back almost like a mother consoling a child as he wept without a sound for nearly ten minutes. And then he spoke.
“I…Innnn know….dear God ….it was him….Uncle Todd….nnnnooooo.” Jeannie lost the battle as they both fell to the floor”
She didn’t have to ask…she already knew what he was going to say. She began to cry with her husband, holding him in her arms and squeezing his neck with her left hand even as she reached up to the kitchen table with her right hand to pull a napkin down to wipe his tears and hers.
“Shhh….nnnoo…honey….I’m here…shhhh.” She said as she held her husband in her arms. Too sad a time to be reunited in love, it felt horrible to be holding her husband as he wept like a child, but she loved him. An odd angry time to recall just why she married her husband, but she remembered once again, she loved him. She had told herself she would always care, but she had almost vowed never to be hurt again. Getting close and caring for him face-to-face was too painful; she had almost convinced herself. But even before she had heard his scream, even before she had discovered him shaking in terror; while she lay in bed trying to sleep herself, she had realized just how much she loved him. All the things that made her angry were not insignificant by any means, but she loved him, and that made those things much smaller;
She had tried to urge him to bed with her, despite her lingering doubts and fears about their relationship. But now, years of devotion supplanted the anger, and she held him as she alternated between weeping and rocking him back and forth like an infant in her arms.
Slowly, over the next few weeks, the flashbacks diminished somewhat, and he was able to cope with them, at least in part, by reminding himself that no matter how vivid and real they felt, they were in the past, and he was safe. A flashback would be greeted with a calmer yet still anxious demeanor, and if he was in a public place, he was able to at least hold fast to that small calm until he was in the safety of his own home. He might cry softly to himself as he left the post office or library, and he was able to maintain some control until he reached the haven of his house, where he would promptly retreat to the bathroom to vomit.
These episodes were happening still too frequently to ignore. He had lost his appetite, and struggled with eating, as certain things, even as innocuous as the taste of corn flakes would cause him to remember. Once, while driving home, he turned on the radio, and in changing the stations, came across an oldies program. The song being played was one his uncle would play frequently on the guitar, and the mere memory of the song caused him to pull over to vomit.
“Talk to me…tell me what’s going on.” She asked him one afternoon after he lost his lunch suddenly. She wanted this to be over; wanting desperately for her husband to be well and whole.
It might have appeared selfish, and it was to a very small extent. But it was entirely understandable. None of us has a complete idea what we are getting into in a relationship, even under the best of circumstances and with as much honest disclosure as possible. She faced the revelation that her husband had a female persona, whom she had met under the worst possible scenario, and yet that was the least of the surprises in store for her. Todd's victimization was even a surprise to him, in no small way, since his memories of the abuse lay dormant for nearly three decades. He and Dr. Arcola worked together, and slowly things came to light that explained why he was unable to remember.
"I...he said that he'd hurt...he'd go after Jerry if I said anything..." Bits and pieces of the coercive threats came to light only lately. You've seen movies or TV shows when the hero is able to resist any threat to his own life, but will agree to do almost anything when faced with the threat against a loved one.
"I’ll kill him...I swear, you little fucker...I'll kill him if you tell anyone," His uncle had said. Why it took so long after his uncles death for this to finally be released, Dr. Arcola could only explain was just..."It happens when it's too much for your mind to hold back any longer." Imagine holding a beach ball under water. When you let go, it doesn't just float to the surface...It launches." He said. "Or like someone dear to me reminded me recently it’s as if scores of icebergs were somehow anchored to the ocean floor. You're in a small boat floating uneasily on the surface, when suddenly, all at once; one of the icebergs is released. It rockets to the surface and capsizes your boat. You're in the water and hanging on for dear life. You finally get the boat up-righted and here comes another berg, repeating the terror once again. Imagine this happening over and over."
Dr. Arcola wasn't trying to scare Todd, only prepare him and Jeannie for what they would expect. Using that analogy, he explained that the flashbacks would grow less intense and less frequent. Todd was prescribed an anti-depressant to mitigate the frequent crying jags he was having, and the medications he was taking began to take effect.
“I can’t deal with this day in and day out, Todd. You’ve got to talk to me.” She said. Jeannie was worn out from all of the emotion; she longed for it to be over. But the tenacity in her; the unwillingness to abandon her love for her husband; she was determined to stand by Todd regardless.
“I don’t want to know the details, how many times do I have to tell you that?” He had accused her, understandably but wrongly…she must want to know everything he had thought. He had just talked with Dr. Arcola, and he needed space...Time to decompress.
“Todd, I don’t want to know. I understand how hard this is for you…Think of me for a change…I need to know you’re okay….Go into the office and shut the door. Just tell me how you’re feeling when you come out, okay?” He could hardly speak from the hour plus of crying he had done with Dr. Arcola, so he nodded yes.
Slowly, with a lot of patience and endurance, she saw her husband return in a way. As his ability to cope increased and the flashbacks diminished, they were able to talk...to finally communicate. While still uncomfortable with the idea, she slowly understood how important Todd's femme persona was to the entire being she knew her husband to be.
She still remained uncomfortable with the whole Claire thing, but they worked out a tentative...a very tentative understanding. Todd had been encouraged by Katie to express himself as Claire through his writing. Continuing to be a part of the community through his blog and his fiction gave him an outlet that was vital to his sense of self while still maintaining a fragile yet increasing peace in the household. Claire would live, even if in a less solid form than she preferred, but it was a balance that was preferable to having no outlet at all.
The whole idea wasn't a compromise per se; it was a resolution that addressed the needs of Jeannie and Todd for the here and now. Whether or not Claire ever made another "appearance" was unimportant. Todd loved Jeannie and she loved him; that wasn't going to change. They were going to start seeing a couple’s therapist to begin to work on the issues of trust; as much as he had been fearful of her rejection,
Todd realized finally that his failure to be honest with his wife nearly cost him his marriage, and nothing was more important than his love for Jeannie. And she, by her acceptance of his need for expression through his writing, had demonstrated that she was willing to accept in some small way the whole person.
One lovely thing in the midst of all the pain; Todd began to sing around the house. He had a fine tenor voice which when challenged might hit alto on occasion. One afternoon he might sing acapella to a Michael Buble song, the next day might have him harmonizing with Groban or Krall. And all love songs. He was able to remember most of the lyrics, paying strict attention to Jeannie throughout. A nuzzle on the neck with an Italian ballad or a quick peck on the cheek while walking through the kitchen while singing A Whole New World from Aladdin.
Jeannie responded in kind by embracing him and holding him every chance she got, as if by holding him, he would be safe and not return to the horror of only a few weeks ago. They had turned a corner in their relationship. Of course, things might never return to what they were, but honestly, isn’t that the case with all relationships. People and things change, and the relationships that last are the ones where the couple is willing to adapt.
Jeannie had made a choice to love her husband, whatever he was before she wanted to and was learning to love him just as he was. It didn’t happen all at once. And it didn’t happen like the movies or plays or books you’re familiar with. Over time, with much patience and effort, Jeannie fell in love with her husband all over again.
And one thing began to change; the end result still too far in the future to know what to expect. Jeannie read Todd’s blog, which he never hid from her but was meant for him; his friends on line and anyone who chose to read. This one meant a great deal because it was meant for her, even if he had written it for his readers.
I’ve learned one thing that is important; more than anything I can ever imagine…My wife is my whole life…I’ve found that whatever Claire is, however she came to be and whatever she may become, she is a part of a whole being who deeply loves his wife. I feel that in time; perhaps she might see the light of day once again, but even so; if she lives on here to write and encourage and support…that will be enough if it means my wife will be happy and we can regain what we had. To you who read this; I can’t speak for anyone else, but for me…nothing else matters as long as we love each other. Nothing.
A few weeks later:
“I was in Dillard’s yesterday, and you’ll never guess who I ran into.” Gina said as she was combing out Katie’s hair. She had let it grow longer after years of keeping it short; first for Ben’s sake, before she assumed the persona as it were of Dr. Katie Kelly and then just because she and Gina thought it might look nice.
“Whoever it was, I sincerely hope you didn’t knock them down,” Katie said with a soft laugh.
“Jeannie Sinclair.” Gina beamed excitedly. “Things are so much better with them from her point of view.” I know Claire is seeing you every other week. How is that going?”
“She feels more integrated with Todd, and that there might be hope to at least continue with her writing” Katie smiled back at her wife and continued.
“She derives a great deal of comfort; Donny Arcola has every reason to believe that the majority of the flashbacks may be behind Todd, leaving the “two” of them more complete and whole. She thinks that things may be improving enough that Jeannie might eventually be able to handle Claire at least being around when Jeannie is at work…a once in a while thing. Maybe sometime in a few months, but she’s so totally focused on the blog and her fiction that it doesn’t seem to matter much anymore.”
Gina smiled with a grin that said I know something you don’t know.
“Jeannie was in the store and walked up to me with an odd look on her face, like she had something important to share. She pulled me close and hugged me, so tender and sweet, she had a few tears in her eyes and she said, “Big sale today!” She pulled out what she had purchased, and it was lovely. A pair of cobalt blue silk pajamas…oh honey it looked so pretty. But I couldn’t figure out what was so special as to cause her to cry. She reached into the bag and pulled out another pair of the same pajamas, these in ice blue. I figured a sale’s a sale until she held the together by the collar.”
"No…you’re kidding me.” Katie smiled, knowing where Gina was going.
“The cobalt blue was a large and she said she always loved the color. The ice blue was a medium…can you believe that?
Even though it did seem a bit incredible, Katie believed every word her wife told her…ever.
“She kissed me on the cheek and said, ‘pray for me, it’s a surprise I don’t even know I can handle, and it’s just about cuddling and sleeping closely…that’s all.”
“You know, sweetheart, I believe that’s all Claire ever wanted.” She smiled at Gina who put down the comb and walked to the closet. Reaching in, she pulled out a Dillard’s bag and walked back to Katie, who had turned to look over her shoulder.
“You didn’t” Katie said,
“You’re right…I didn’t” Gina giggled, noticing the almost disappointed look on Katie’s face.
Gina giggled once again and reached into the bag, producing two floor length nightgowns, both in black, but with different bodices and lace overlays. She leaned over and kissed her lover passionately. Their tongues danced together for a while. Gina pulled away slightly and kissed her wife’s ear, saying simply.
“Since when do you still wear PJ’s silly”
My Confession as sung by Josh Groban
Words and music by Richard Page
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4BOqdeaOsk
More Adventures with Gina and Katie coming soon!
Just a nice quiet afternoon of utter abandon and intimacy
between two lovers....
Wine-colored days warmed by the sun
I feel your words, the tender trembling moments start
We're in a world, our very own
Sharing a love that only few have ever known
Deep velvet nights when we are one
Hope you enjoyed the break as much as Gina and Katie!
Speak Softly Love from the movie The Godfather
Instrumental arrangement by Mantovani
Words and Music by Larry Kusik and Nino Rota
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZ6TR-T-u-w