"I'm sorry ma'am, only women and children," the young sailor said as he held me by the arm, keeping me from stepping into the lifeboat.

"He's my only son!" my mother pleaded. "He's only 14!"

"I'm sorry ma'am, I have my orders," he replied, ordering the lifeboat to be lowered.

My mother started screaming as she held on to my sisters. She tried to climb out, but other women on the boat stopped her.

"Remember your girls!" one of the women in the boat said.

"I love you, Mom!" I shouted, reaching over the rail.

"I'll try to be brave," I said while fighting back the tears.

"I love you, too Michael!" I heard her reply, believing it would be the last time she saw her son.

As the boat hit the water, I could hear my mother's cry.

I felt alone. I felt fear. I felt cold. My teeth were chattering.

"There, there, young man, be brave like the rest of us," an older man said standing next to me. He had just watched his wife and three children lowered into the boat.

"I'm trying sir," I said.

My father died six months before we took a once-in-a-lifetime trip to France. It was mother's way of trying to help us get over his death.

And here I was on the deck of a ship, surrounded by strangers, all of us waiting to die.

The madness was growing by the moment, something I was finding really hard to believe. Less than an hour before, I was in a warm bed, awakened by Mom.

We were calmly told to put our clothes on, and then put life jackets on. I helped Mom dress my sisters.

"Don't worry," we were told. Somebody mentioned something about a propeller being broken.

"They're going to put us in lifeboats just for a little while as a precaution," mother said. "Then they'll let us back into our room."

We found out otherwise as we made our way to the lifeboat. The mighty Titanic we all heard so much about as we were preparing to come home from France had hit an iceberg.

"I thought the Titanic was unsinkable," a wealthy lady said as we were preparing to board the lifeboat.

The look on the young sailor's face as he helped the woman into the boat said otherwise.

He had a look of fear.

Mom noticed it. I noticed it.

Anyone who thought this big ship was unsinkable knew otherwise, now. You could feel the ship tilt a little bit. Water was flooding the decks below.

People were running around, hoping to find space on a lifeboat. Some people were simply jumping overboard, some with deck chairs hoping they would float.

Women were crying as they were saying goodbye to their men.

"Please God, help me!" I cried. "I don't want to die."

I let go of the cold, iron rail as I watched the boat carrying my mother and sisters row off.

I found a spot by a group of musicians, who continued to play despite the sense of doom engulfing everyone around us.

"Psst! Boy, come here!" came a loud whisper.

I thought I was hearing things.

"Psst! Boy come here!"

That time I knew I wasn't hearing things.

I saw a girl about my age motioning for me to come to her and an elderly lady standing next to a door.

"Hurry!" the girl shouted.

I soon as I reached them, the elderly woman grabbed me and pulled me inside the door.

"Quick, let's get these clothes off!" she said to me and the young girl.

"Ma'am?" I shouted, still very much in a state of shock and a state of fear.

"Do you want to live, or do you want to die?" the woman asked.

"Live," I shouted.

"Well, then, we don't have much time," she said. "We're all going to die if we don't hurry!"

She yanked my shirt and my coat off at the same time, popping buttons as she pulled them over my head.

Hurriedly the girl pulled my pants down. I stepped out, leaving me standing only in long underwear, which the woman completely ripped off of me.

It left me shivering naked for a few seconds.

"Hurry Rachel, get the clothes out of the bag," the woman said.

"Yes, Grandmama," the girl said, pulling out wrinkled clothes and a pair of shoes.

I quickly climbed into something my mother and sisters wear under their clothes. I raised my arms up as the woman and the girl called Rachel pulled a dress over me.

The woman then pulled out a scarf and an extra shawl of the one bag she carried. She put the scarf over my head and put the shawl on me. I put on my life jacket back on.

"It will have to do," the woman said. "Now let's see if we can find a lifeboat. And Rachel, we probably need to leave these bags behind. At least there were of some use to us."

We headed in another direction. The woman didn't want the sailor who pulled me out of my mother's lifeboat to recognize me.

She quickly spotted another boat.

There was pushing and shoving going on. We saw a young officer pull a gun on a man.

"Everybody get back or I will shoot!" the young officer said.

"But there is still room on the lifeboat!" another man shouted.

"Are there anymore women and children?" the young officer shouted.

"Yes there are!" the woman shouted. "Me and my two granddaughters!"

"There is just enough room for three more," a sailor helping the officer replied.

"Everybody get back, let the ladies through," said a man in a dark mustache.

"Why thank you, Mr. Astor!" the woman said.

"Ok girls, watch your step," the woman said as we were being helped into the lifeboat.

Some of the women moved to make room for us.

"Okay, girls, I want one of you on my left and the other on my right," the woman said.

"Is everyone now secure?" the young officer asked after we had taken our seats.

All of us nodded.

"Okay, boys, take her down!" the officer commanded the other sailors working the lifeboat crane.

They hurried as best they could, dropping our boat hard onto the water.

"Okay, ladies, grab an oar," a young officer said.

He was the only man on our boat. He was in charge of making sure we rowed to safely.

"Okay, Rachel, you grab a hold," the woman said, turning to the girl.

"And Leah, you, too," she said looking at me. "We've got to pull our weight!"

I gave her a puzzled look.

"Now is not the time to reveal your secret," the woman whispered to me. "As far as anyone on this boat is concerned, your name is Leah Pierpoint, understood?"

I nodded. This woman was the answer to my prayers.

"Do everything I tell you to do," she said.

I nodded again.

"Young lady, are you cold with just that shawl?" a woman facing us asked.

I nodded.

"We were in such a hurry, my sister forgot her coat," Rachel said.

The woman pulled a very expensive fur coat out of her bag.

My "grandmother" took it from her and pulled it over me as I continued to row.

"Thank you, ma'am," I said, stuttering a little bit from the cold.

"You're quite welcome," the woman said. "You girls are doing a very good job of rowing The name's Mary Anderson."

"Thank you, ma'am," Rachel and I said almost at the same time.

"I'm Agnes Pierpoint and these are my granddaughters Rachel and Leah," our "grandmother" said.

"We're twins," Rachel said, winking at me as we rowed.

"Of the Pierpoint Merchandise Company?" Mrs. Anderson asked.

"Yes, the company's been in my late husbands family for generations," my "grandmother" said.

"Oh my God!" another woman screamed, pointing toward the direction of the ship.

We looked to see the great ship Titanic tilting. Suddenly, what seemed like hundreds of ants rushed on to what was left of the deck.

"My God, don't tell me they've been below deck all this time!" Mrs. Pierpont, our "grandmother," said.

"I don't think I see any boats left for them to get on," Mrs. Anderson replied.

"Girls, look away," "grandmother" replied.

Rachel and I did as we were told, both of us weeping.

We were fortunate. Our backs were turned to the ship. The women and children facing us in the lifeboat weren't so lucky. They had a full view of the tragedy that was unfolding.

Some of them covered their eyes. Others bowed their heads to keep from watching.

Unfortunately for all of us, we could hear what was going on. We could hear the cries of hundreds of people as many jumped to their deaths and others fought for what little of their lives they had left.

Amazingly, we could also still hear music. Rachel swore the last song we heard was "Nearer Oh God, to Thee." I wasn't so sure.

Then it dawned on me that I could have, perhaps should have, been among them had it not been for the woman and girl seated to my left.

They risked their own lives to save me.

Suddenly, the sea grew dark. The shouts and cries grew louder.

I heard a woman say the lights had just gone out on the ship.

We heard an explosion.

"Oh my God, oh my God!" Mrs. Anderson shouted. "It's gone! It's gone!"

All we could do was weep.

 
It reminded me a little bit of a time when my father took me to the horse races. People were cheering loudly at the track that day.But this was a little different. Many in the crowd were cheering for joy. Some were shouting out of disgust because their horses lost.

The people we were hearing now were screaming for their very lives. It was horrifying. And it seemed to get louder after the Titanic sank.

"Should we go back after some of them?" a woman on our boat asked the young officer in charge.
"No ma'am, we cannot," he replied. "We don't have enough room. They would swamp us."

Very few on our boat argued with him. Our boat was among the last to be launched. We were packed.

"Alright, I need anyone who has paper or cloth we can burn," the young officer shouted.
"What on earth for?" one of the women in the boat asked.
"We need a torch or two," he said. "We need to get with some of the other boats."

What he said made perfect since. Although the sky was lit up with stars and the sea was calm, there was nothing but darkness around us.We were able to scrounge for some cloth. One woman tied to canes together to make a stick large enough for a torch.

It illuminated the area around us. We saw several lifeboats around us.

Many of them were doing the same as we, building torches.
Some of the boats were not as full as ours, which startled some of us.

There was room on quite a few boats for many of the poor souls in the water.But by now, the cries were growing faint.
One of the officers leading a boat suggested that some of the boats take some of his passengers. He and the other two sailors in his boat would go back to see if there were anyone left alive to rescue.

Yet another boat was a startling sight. It was upside down. All of the men were standing up and rocking from side to side trying to keep the small craft afloat.

"See if we can squeeze together," the young officer asked us. "Maybe we can make room for a couple of more."
We did the best we could. Two women from the boat that was heading back after survivors in the water came into our boat, as did one of the men standing on top of the upside down boat.

"I believe he is one of the men who worked in the boiler room," Grandmama whispered to Rachel and me. "Rachel and I took a tour of the boat with that nice Mr. Andrews and I believe I recognize him."

Shortly after the one boat went back in search of survivors, the screams, what little of them were left, seemed to stop.
Other than the whispering and talking among the lifeboats, and there wasn't much of it, it seemed a weird, quiet calm.

I looked around at the other lifeboats in the water, hoping I would see my mother and my sisters. I did not. Most you could see on the other boats around us were silhouettes.

Rachel and I decided to get into a rowing contest. We outrowed most of the women on are boat, but after a while Rachel started complaining that her arms were hurting.
"Mine, too, Grandmama," I said.

"Ma'am, my sister and I can take over for your girls," a young woman said. She and her sister had not done much rowing since our boat was launched.

"Thank you," Grandmama said. "My babies need their rest. It's time for little girls to get some sleep."

She pulled us both tight to her. I could feel her warmth. Rachel reached out and grabbed my hand. We both tried to sleep.
It wasn't easy. It was cold. And as calm as the ocean was, the rocking of the boat still made it very difficult to rest.
People on board were coughing and sneezing.

"If we survive this," one woman said, "I believe half of us will be sick."
"Don't talk about if!," Grandmama snapped. "We will survive this!"
I had known her for only a few hours, but I could tell she was a remarkable woman. I felt safe with her.
Finally Rachel and I were able to doze off.

*****
"Look there, a light!" a woman shouted.
It woke me and Rachel from very short slumber.
"It's a ship!" Grandmama said. "I told you we were going to be rescued."

It was still far off in the distance.
"It's going to take some time to reach her," the young officer said. "We need to get some people rowing.

Rachel, I and Grandmama were among the first to grab an oar. Most of us were still very tired and weary from the nightmare we were living through, but our spirits were lifted knowing there was a ship to pull us out of the sea.

Some of the women began to sing a song Rachel said she sung in church called "Pull for the Shore."

"Pull for the shore, sailor, pull for the shore!
Heed not the rolling waves, but bend to the oar;
Safe in the life boat, sailor, cling to self no more!
Leave the poor old stranded wreck, and pull for the shore.

Trust in the life boat, sailor, all else will fail,
Stronger the surges dash and fiercer the gale,
Heed not the stormy winds, though loudly they roar;
Watch the “bright and morning Star,” and pull for the shore!"

It was still a long tiring journey that drew us closer to the ship. Night turned into early morning. We could finally make out the faces of the passengers in our lifeboat and a few of the others around us.

I was not the only boy on the boat. There were at least three others, the oldest probably 10.
The only men on the boat were the young, blond-haired officer, and the rough looking, muscled crew member from the boiler room, whose face was still covered with coal.

The women on the boat, all of us really, looked haggared, drained. Many of us were in very much an emotionless state. We were all still very much in a state of shock from what had transpired over the last few hours.

"It's not a very impressive ship," one of the women said in our boat.
"At least it's not resting at the bottom of the Atlantic," another woman replied. "That's good enough for me."

As we pulled beside her we were able to read a sign on the ship that said "R.M.S. Carpathia." I heard a woman say she believed the ship was of the Cunard Line.

Ropes and ladders were used to pull us out of the boat. It was a slow and difficult task. Many of us were afraid we'd fall into the ocean while trying to get from the lifeboat to the ship.

They pulled Grandmama up first, then Rachel and me. I breathed a sigh of relief when a member of the ship's crew grabbed hold of my arm and pulled me aboard.

"Watch your step miss!" he said.
"Thank you kind sir!" I replied.
I had been Leah now for several hours. It no longer seemed strange to be called by a female pronoun.

We were steered to a large room on the ship where cots and blankets awaited us. Many of the blankets, we were told, were donated by the ship's passengers, who were going out of their way to make us feel welcome.

Sadly, we again were divided up by class as we were aboard the Titanic, only this time, things were a little more cramped and the line between first and second class at least, was a bit blurry, which raised the possibility that I could run into my mothers or my sisters. We were traveling second class aboard the Titanic.

This was something Grandmama was keenly aware. She staked out our territory with three cots in a corner of the room and pulled us aside.

"Many of the women aboard this ship have just lost their husbands," she whispered to me and Rachel. "Some have lost sons close to your age. It might not sit well with some of they find our our secret."
We nodded in agreement.

"You must avoid your mother and sisters," she said.
"But that's going to be hard to do," I whispered back. "They're going to think I'm dead."

She understood my concern, but she told me it would be in my best interest to remain Leah Pierpoint while we were aboard the Carpathia, maybe even while we were in New York.

"Once we are safe at home in Philadelphia, I will contact your mother," she said.

She didn't explain it to me then, but not only was she afraid of causing a riot aboard ship, she was also concerned about the reporters hanging around once we arrived in New York looking for any type of tale to tell.

 
I studied Rachel's every move, her mannerisms.

I did my best to imitate her, although I didn't want it to be too noticeable.

She spotted it, though, and it brought her to laughter.

"Are you trying to copy me?" she asked.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to make it obvious," I said. "But I have to learn from somebody."

"I suppose you're right," she said with a smile.

"Suppose she's right about what," Grandmama asked, walking up behind us.

It startled the both of us.

"He-sheee has to learn somewhere how to be...," she dropped off the sentence. "But I think Leah is doing a good job on her own."

"That she is," Grandmama said. "And girls, I don't want you wandering off to far."

"Grandmama, I don't think there's room to wander off too far," I said about the cramp conditions of the Carpathia. "After all, it's not Titanic."

"No it isn't," she said. "But at least we're afloat, so we shouldn't be complaining about it."

She was right. And I didn't mind the correction. And it took only a second for me to realize why she said it.

Just as we were talking, a couple of passengers from Titanic walked by.

"Don't be so hard on her, Aggie," one of the women said. "After all, the poor thing was stuck in her state room sick after you three boarded at Cherbourg.

"That's right Mrs. Brown," Rachel said. "My poor sister just wants to stretch her legs."

The woman, Mrs. Brown, had dinner a couple of times with Grandmama and Rachel after boarding at Cherbourg herself. Her named was Margaret and she was "new money," Rachel said. "And she goes by the plain name of Molly."

Grandmama told her the reason I wasn't present at each of those times was that I was sick. That was to be the story if we ran into anybody who saw them before the iceberg struck.

"But I don't think we'll have to worry about it too much," Grandmama said. "We didn't socialize much on Titanic. And some of the people we were around are now in shock and worried about the fate of loved ones who didn't make it."

That much was truth. Rachel and I witnessed it.

The deck was lined with women waiting on the last boats to be unloaded, hoping their husbands, sons or brothers were among the final survivors. There were very few happy endings.

Many of them continued to wait on deck even after all of the lifeboats had been recovered. There were faint hopes that another ship also picked up survivors.

"I heard a ship called the Californian was also in the area," one woman said. "Maybe they picked up survivors."

A young officer on the Carpathia's crew was smitten by Rachel. He was 20. He told us what turned out to be the truth.

"We haven't heard anything from other ships saying they picked up survivors."

Rachel squeezed my hand as she pointed out three women leaning on the rails who were on their honeymoons on the Titanic. They weren't much older than we were.

"And now they're widows," Rachel said.

They weren't the only ones. The Titanic was known as "The Ship of Dreams." Carpathia would become known as "The Ship of Widows."

"Girls, come here," we heard Grandmama say.

"This is Mrs. Clark," she said. "She is a Caparthia passenger."

"I've got a daughter about your age," she said. "I brought some of her things for you girls to change into."

We grabbed the dresses and undergarments out of her hands quickly.

"Thank you ma'am," we said at the same time, as if we were the twins we were pretending to be.

I wasn't looking at the clothes as girls' clothes. I looked at them as clean clothes, something we hadn't worn since the mad rush to get on to a lifeboat.

"Girls, there is a bucket of water, soap and a sponge in that small room over there," Grandmama said.

She didn't have say anymore. We ran to the door. Once we were both inside, we shut it, stripped out of our clothes and began washing off. It was a bit crude, but we both longed to be clean.

We didn't care about modesty, either. For a few short seconds aboard Titanic, Rachel had already seen me naked. As far as we both were concerned, I was Leah, we were sisters and we wanted to be clean.

It felt nice to put on clean clothes. Mrs. Clark had given us a brush along with the clothes.

"Let me brush your hair," Rachel said. "It's short, so we've got to make it look as much like a girl's style as possible even if we are going to be wearing scarves and hats.

"You're very pretty, don't you think?" she asked, showing me her handiwork with a small mirror.

"Uh huh," I said as we walked out of the small room.

"Now you young ladies look presentable," Grandmama said. "Now it's my turn to freshen up a bit."

We laid on our cots waiting for her to get done. I found out while we were waiting that we actually had a few things in common.

My father died of cancer a few months before our trip. Her parents were killed in a train accident when she was six. Grandmama had raised her.

We were both no strangers to tragedy.

But then she revealed something to me that caught me completely by surprise.

Her parents were not the only ones killed in the train accident. Her twin sister, Leah, was also killed. It sent chills up my spine.

"There have been times when I talk to her, pretending she's here and alive," Rachel said. "It's been a way to keep her real to me. I was really surprised when Grandmama chose to call you Leah."

I wept..."I'm sorry...I mean it's got to be hard on you that she calls me that," I said.

"Actually, I'm glad," she said as she straightened my hat. "Having you here almost seems to bring her back to life."

I smiled.

She then told me what transpired to lead her grandmother to come to my hour of need aboard the Titanic.

"We were sleeping in our beds when one of the stewards came in and woke us up," Rachel said. "Mr. Andrews walked by as we walked out of our state room. He had a serious look on his face. Grandmama asked him what was wrong. He told us the truth."

Grandmama and Rachel walked back into their state rooms. She told Rachel they needed to pack one bag each, with one change of clothes.

"I don't think they'll allow us to carry much more," she told Rachel.

The clothes they gave me were the change of clothes for Rachel. That was what led Grandmama to make the decision to leave the bags altogether.

They were about to board the same lifeboat as my mother and sisters when I was forbidden to get on.

"Her heart broke for you," Rachel said. "So did mine. We sort of adopted you then. We lost Mom, Dad and Leah. We weren't about to lose you."

Just as she finished that sentence, Grandmama walked out of the small room in her change of clothes.

She saw me staring at her with a tear rolling down my cheek.

"What's wrong dear child?" she asked.

"I love you Grandmama," I said.

"I love you, too," she said, kissing me on the cheek.

"When this is over, I hope you don't mind that I'll still consider you my Grandmama," I whispered.

"You better," she replied. "Because you will always be my grandchild. Don't you ever forget that."

"Ladies, come quickly," a woman said after entering the room where several of us were staying.

We walked out to see almost everyone lining the rails.

No one spoke a word, but several people were weeping.

We had reached the spot where hours before the Titanic went down. All that remained were a few deck chairs floating that some of the poor souls who didn't make it had hoped would be their salvation.

Also floating in the water, at least the best that I could tell, was one solitary body.

I later heard one of the Carpathia crewmen saying the currents had carried the rest of them away.

"I think it is best that we now start on our return to New York," I heard Capt. Rostron tell one of his officers.

Then I looked down the rail among the weeping women and saw her.

I tightly gripped Rachel and Grandmama's hands.

"Is that her?" Rachel whispered.

"Uh huh," I whispered, trying to hold back the tears.

Standing with my mother were my young sisters. All three were weeping.

"She will know, in time, my dear child," Grandmama whispered. "She will know, in time."

 

Rachel squeezed my hand when we saw a girl a couple of years younger than we were united with her family.

"You'll be reunited with your mom and sisters, too," Rachel said reassuringly.

I nodded. But I also had to fight back the tears.

The girl told us her name was Ruth when we met her on deck of the Carpathia. I actually recognized her. I saw her a couple of times when we were on the Titanic. Her family, like mine, had been traveling second class.

She didn't recognize me. I mean how could she? Not in a dress, scarf and a hat.

Her parents were missionaries in India. Her little brother got sick, so they decided to move to the States. Her father was too sick to travel, so they left him in India.

She told us she got separated from her mother, younger sister and brother when she went back to get blankets. Like us, she ended up on one of the last lifeboats to leave the ship. In fact, I think ours almost fell on top of hers as they were lowering us into the ocean.

She stayed with a young Polish girl once she got on the Carpathia and was telling us the girl's baby was missing. We found out later the baby was alive and well.

While Ruth was talking to us, a woman came up and asked her her name. The woman told her that her mother had been looking for her.

Rachel held my arm tight when she was told her family was safe.

"I know it reminds you of you and your family," she said.

"I wished I could tell mom," I whispered to her.

But I didn't want my secret to get out. It might stir up trouble.

There was already resentment to a man Grandmama called Mr. Ismay.

"He runs the White Star Line," she told us.

I didn't know what the White Star Line was until she told us that it was the company that owned the Titanic.

"There are lot of people who wished he had gone down with the ship," Rachel said. "I heard a lady mention that that would have been the honorable thing to do."

He supposedly was sick. He was given the doctor's cabin aboard the Carpathia.

"He gets to be in there while we're all crowded into large rooms," I heard a woman say. "He's going to be sleeping in a nice warm bed while all we have are a few cots. And the rest of us are sleeping on the floor."

Hearing the talk about Mr. Ismay had me wondering. I asked Grandmama if staying on the Titanic would have been the honorable thing for me to do, especially considering that me pretending to be a girl was the only thing that saved my life.

"There is a big difference between you and Mr. Ismay," Grandmama said. "He's a grown man, the man who ran the company that owns the ship. You are but 14. You should have never been refused a seat on a lifeboat."

She told me a story about her late husband, John Pierpoint.

"Even though his father was wealthy and could pay for someone to take his son's place, Grandpapa fought in the Great War," she said. "He was a young officer. He told me of a battle they fought called Petersburg. He was walking along and saw a dead boy lying in a trench. He found out the young Johnny Reb was only 14."

He told me "I swear, Aggie, boys that age should not be called to fight a grown man's war. And young boys should not be asked to act like men when a ship is sinking."

She grabbed my hand and told me and Rachel to come with her. As we were walking, she pointed out a Titanic officer who was talking with a member of Carpathia's crew.

I recognized him immediately. He was the officer who would not let me on the boat with my mother and sisters.

"Ask yourself, if you're not supposed to be here, why is he?"

She had a point.

She told me his name was Lightoller.

"After keeping men out of boats, he and a few other members of the crew found a boat themselves and did their best to save their own lives," she said. "And we did our best to save yours. So I don't want to hear anymore of this foolish talk."

"Yes ma'am," was all I could say.

*****

Grandmama was our rock from the moment she saved me on the deck of the Titanic. But like the rest of us, even she had a breaking point on our journey to New York.

Rachel and I noticed her sobbing on her cot.

"Grandmama, what's wrong?" Rachel asked.

"Oh my babies, I just found out some dear friends of mine didn't make it," she said.

Almost from the moment we reached the Carpathia, she knew some of her acquaintances didn't make it.

A man she called "J.J." didn't make it. I found out he was the kind Mr. Astor who helped us aboard our lifeboat.

"Everybody says he was the richest man in the world, and he has left his poor young widow," Rachel said. "But grandma thinks a man named Mr. J.P. Morgan is the richest man. And he was the man people say really owned the Titanic, not the Brits."

But it wasn't Mr. Astor's death that upset Grandmama so much.

"Ida and Isador did not make it," Grandmama said.

"They were an old couple we ate with a couple of times on the Titanic," Rachel said.

"Old people?" Grandmama said. "Ida and Isador were about my age, and your Grandpapa, if he were still living."

Grandmama told us their last name was Straus and they had owned Macy's Department Store.

"We were competitors with them, but they were always a delightful couple," she said. "Your Granpapa and I traveled to many trade shows with them."

"We're sorry, Grandmama," I said.

"Thank you girls," she said. "I'm just so tired. I'm ready to get back to New York."

A few minutes later, a young member of Carpathia's crew walked up to Grandmama.

"We're allowing families to send a short message to loved ones, do you have anyone our wireless man can send a message to?" he said.

Grandmama nodded. He handed her a notepad.

She wrote down an address and the name of a Henry Hobbes.

"Henry, we are safe. Bring plenty of clothes. Book us a hotel for a couple of nights and arrange for travel back home to Philadelphia. Sincerely, Aggie."

"Thank you ma'am," the crew member said. "I'll see that it gets sent as soon as we can."

"Who's Henry Hobbes?" I whispered to Rachel.

"He helps Grandmama run the business," Rachel said. "He helps handle her affairs. I think he has a thing for Grandmama. And boy will he be surprised when he meets you."

*****

We noticed her leaning on the rail of the Carpathia all alone.

Rachel was always pretty bold and felt like we should walk up and talk to her.

She wasn't that much older than us. Grandmama said she was only 18, and pregnant.

I was shocked to find out she was the one Rachel was talking about who was married to Mr. Astor.

She told us how much she missed her husband.

"I'm surprised you girls are talking to me," she said. "Talking to me I'm sure will create a scandal."

She was already one of the most talked about people on what was turning into a ship of gossipers. Maybe not as much as Mr. Ismay, but people still talked about her.

"It may be their way of dealing with the shock and the grief," Grandmama said of the talk.

Having someone to talk to seem to make her feel better. The only people who really talked to her since boarding the Carpathia were her maid and nurse.

She told us her name was Madeleine.

"We're not worried about a scandal," Rachel said.

"Besides, we have a scandal of our own," I whispered.

"Oh, what is that?" Madeleine asked.

"She's really a boy," Rachel said.

Madeleine Astor had a big smile on her face.

"You're too pretty to be a boy," she said. "But don't worry, your secret's safe with me. Besides, I want you girls to come visit with me when this is all over."

We didn't know why we felt compelled to tell her.

"She needed some cheering up," Rachel said.

Maybe it helped her knowing there were others out there who were having a hard time like she was.

 

Rachel and I wept when we saw her, standing tall and green and lit up.

I had seen the Statue of Liberty once before. We passed her on the Mauretania on our way to Europe a month before.

"You know what this means?" she asked me. "A soft bed, clean clothes, warm food and a nice hot bath."

"Maybe trousers?" I whispered to her.

"Maybe not for a little while longer," Grandmama said, overhearing the conversation. "At least we're safe."

The Statue of Liberty wasn't the only thing we noticed. Several boats came up alongside of us.

We suddenly noticed thousands of people lined up along the shoreline. Since we boarded Titanic from a ferry boat at Cherbourg, we weren't there to see the thousands of well-wishers cheering the great ship as she started on her first voyage at Southhampton.

But we heard whispers that the crowd welcoming us to New York Harbor were much larger. Some were family members and friends who were there to comfort survivors.

The vast majority were curiosity seekers there to witness the final part of a great tragedy. Unlike the crowd at Southhampton, they weren't cheering.

It was more of a subdued crowd. It still seemed surreal.

Included in the crowd, as Grandmama feared, were members of the press. Some were on the boats that welcomed us into the harbor. They were shouting questions to us.

"Neither of you dare answer," Grandmama whispered.

We didn't.

A couple of enterprising journalists managed to climb aboard from a tugboat that came alongside of us. But they were immediately caught by members of Carpathia's crew.

"They will be detained until everyone of you is off the ship," Capt. Rostron shouted from his bullhorn.

He cautioned us not to talk to them, that they would take advantage of us just to get a good story.

Trust me, most of us didn't want to talk anyway. We were too tired. We were ready to get off the ship.

There was one more emotional moment before we were allowed off. The Carpathia pulled up to the pier were Titanic was supposed to come to rest after completing her first voyage across the Atlantic.

Many of us cried as Titanic's lifeboats were lowered and placed in the spot reserved for the White Star Line. They were all that remained of the largest ship, the grandest ship in the world.

We were then given instructions not to leave the ship unless someone was there to meet us. Fortunately, there was someone there to meet us.

A black-haired man graying along the sides and wearing brown hat stood on the pier awaiting us. He had a funny mustache. He looked a few years younger that Grandmama.

"That is Henry Hobbes," Rachel said as we walked arm-and-arm off the boat.

I looked out of the corner of my eye and saw another familiar face, my Uncle Walter, who was there to pick up my mother and sisters back to Lancaster, believing his young nephew had perished aboard the Titanic.

I turned away, not wanting him to recognize me, even if he possibly could with me dressed as I was.

It was an amazing contrast from the last time that I saw him. He saw us off on the Mauretania. He and I made fun of mom and my sisters in their fancy dresses.

Now, here I was wearing one, although it wasn't really clean and felt awfully sweaty. It made me realize how some of the Amish girls and women back home in Lancaster County must have felt toiling in the fields and around the house.

Before we were able to make it to Mr. Hobbes, a couple of newspaper reporters forced their way through the crowd to try to talk to Grandmama. There were photographers trying to take our picture.

"Sorry boys, but the girls and I are extremely tired and need our rest," Grandmama said.

"Aggie, you are a sight for sore eyes," Mr. Hobbes said as he opened the door to a green automobile. "And who is this young Lady with you and Miss Rachel?"

"Her name is Leah, and she is going to be staying with us for a while," Grandmama said. "I will fill you in about her when we get inside the automobile. Speaking of which, is this new?"

"Oh yes, ma'am," he replied. "I bought it while you and Miss Rachel were traveling all over Europe."

He made an off-handed joke about the contrast of the last time he saw them. They began their journey with several trunk loads of clothing that had to be loaded up. It took Mr. Hobbes quite a while to instruct the ship's crew members of what to do with it since Grandmama and Rachel were traveling alone.

Then he suddenly realized what happened to those trunk loads as Rachel told him we entered the lifeboat with just the clothes on our backs.

"I'm terribly sorry ladies," he said. "You must forgive me."

"Oh don't worry about it, Henry," Grandmama said as we began our journey to our hotel.

And then she hit Mr. Hobbes with the news about me.

His jaw hung open for several seconds.

"Pardon me, Leah," he said. "I can't believe you're a boy."

I blushed and told him that was ok.

"I'm not exactly sure of that myself these days," I said.

The truth is I wondered when I would return to being just Michael Rinehart, a Pennsylvania Dutch boy from Lancaster. And a part of me wondered when I would stop being Leah Pierpoint, the girl who was rescued from the Titanic.

It was during this course of conversation that Grandmama revealed her plan. There would be people who knew Grandmama only had one surviving granddaughter.

My parents, Grandmama would tell people, were steerage. They died on the Titanic. She made the decision to adopt me as her own granddaughter.

"And for the time being, Leah, is to be treated as a girl," Grandmama said. "She is to be treated no differently as Rachel, she is to be treated as my granddaughter, understood?"

"Understood, Aggie," Mr. Hobbes said.

"And Leah, until I say otherwise, you are a girl, understood?" she said to me.

"Yes ma'am," I said.

She explained the reason why. She was one of the most prominent survivors of the sinking. Newspaper reporters would be hanging around our hotel. They would be following us around town.

"And they will be questioning anybody who is around us," Grandmama said. "That includes hotel maids, doormen, store clerks, waiters."

She only had to remind us of the reporters who greeted us as we got off the Carpathia to prove her point.

"That reminds me, Aggie," Mr. Hobbes said. "Reporters from the New York Times, the Post, the Journal and the Philadelphia Inquirer all want to interview you."

"I will talk to them in the next couple of days," Grandmama said. "But the girls and I need some time to recover. Can you ask them to respect that? I know they won't, but can you ask them, too?

*****

Grandmama thought it a bit ironic that the hotel Henry Hobbes booked for us was the Waldorf-Astoria.

"J.J. was one of the founders of the hotel," she said of the man who was not quite as fortunate as we to survive the sinking.

It was also probably fitting. Grandmama teared up as we traveled by Macy's, which had a wreath on the door in memory of her good friends, Ida and Isador Straus.

Even Mr. Hobbes teared up when Grandmama told him about how both refused to get on a lifeboat, the husband who refused to take a seat while younger men were being refused, and the faithful wife who wanted to remain by his side.

"That is very romantic, and very sad," he said. "You could always tell they loved each other so much."

The hotel fit the mood. It was still owned by the Astor family. Even though Mr. Astor's marriage to young Madeleine had caused ill feelings in his family, he was still beloved by much of the hotel staff.

The fact that many other of Titanic's wealthier survivors were also staying at the hotel contributed to the mood. It also meant the hotel would be a gathering place for reporters.

"I wished now I would have booked us for The Plaza," Mr. Hobbes said. "It's new, but it's nice."

"No, this is fine, Henry," Grandmama said. "We're only going to be here for a few days. When we're completely rested up, we'll head home to Philadelphia."

Our suite was the nicest I'd ever been in, although I'm sure Grandmama and Rachel were quite used to it.

"Girls, you room is in there," Mr. Hobbes said.

We rushed into the room, where several of Rachel's dresses were already hanging up.

We were more interested in the nice, soft bed. We plopped down on it at almost the same time.

"Girls, get off the bed in those filthy clothes," Grandmama said. "It's bath time. I'll bring you a couple of night gowns after you're done. We're staying in the rest of the night. I'll have Henry make sure some food is brought up."

We didn't complain. We looked forward to a nice hot bath, clean clothes and warm food, just as Rachel said when we saw the Statue of Liberty.

 

Our stay in New York lasted a little longer than Grandmama planned.

The U.S. Senate opened hearings on the sinking just a day after we arrived. Because of Grandmama's position, she was among the passengers asked to testify.

She didn't seem to mind, really. She felt it her patriotic duty.

She also gave interviews to the New York and Philadelphia newspapers, so "maybe we can have a little peace," she told Rachel and me.

She wasn't asked about me during the hearing, didn't even bring me up.

She was asked about what she remembered about the sinking, and the conduct of the crew from what she observed.

She also did not tell any of the newspapers about me.

"We don't need to draw attention to you," she said. "We don't want to raise suspicion."

Rachel and I didn't mind the extra days in New York. We ran ol' Henry Hobbes ragged carrying us to museums, the zoo, the art galleries and Central Park.

Rachel really wanted to show me the "Big City" since the only other time I'd been there was to board the Mauretania on the way to Europe.

Each night, Grandmama would read us the latest on the stories coming from the sinking. She was right, almost as much written about the sinking was false, as they reported what was true.

She was also right that they chose to make villians and cowards of some of the people who survived the sinking.

The man most villified was Mr. Ismay.

"I don't really know if he acted honorably, or not," Grandmama said. "But he can't be as awful as he's portrayed. I have the feeling that if he had saved a hundred people that night, people would still hate him because he didn't go down with the ship like poor Captain Smith."

Captain Smith was still the man Grandmama held responsible for the sinking. She told us she heard he had warnings about the ice.

"But the old soul just kept on going," she said. "It wouldn't have hurt us to have stopped one night. But he went down with the ship...so we shouldn't speak ill of him."

But the press wanted someone to blame. If it wasn't Mr. Ismay, it was Capt. Lord of the Californian.

Members of his crew testified in the hearing that they saw the lights of a ship that may have been the Titanic. They also claimed to have seen rockets being fired from the ship about the same time they were fired from the Titanic.

And some of the passengers, including Grandmama and Rachel, said they saw a light coming from what may have been a ship on the horizon before they stumbled across me heading to the lifeboats.

"And people believe that was the Californian," Grandmama said. "They believe the Californian was close enough to have saved us all."

The press didn't stop there. As Grandmama said, they loved a good scandal.

Mrs. Brown, the one we knew as Molly, was portrayed to be a hero. And from what we knew, she was.

But a poor man named Sir Cosmo Duff-Gordan was portrayed as a selfish coward because he and his wife escaped on a lifeboat containing only 11 people.

Rumor had it, he bribed members of the crew on the boat not to go back looking for survivors.

"Whether that's true or not, he may be a ruined man," Grandmama told us.

She didn't tell us about other accounts in the newspapers. She tried to hide them from us.

They were about men who supposedly were able to get on lifeboats because they were dressed as women. Rachel found a couple of the newspapers in the garbage can.

Mr. Ismay was one of the ones who was accused of it, but it turned out to be only a scarf he was given that he wore on his head to keep warm. An Irishman from steerage wore a shawl a caring woman gave him as he rowed, but a crewman identified him as a man who wore women's clothes to get on board a lifeboat.

He disputed that account at the hearing.

"Just think what will happen if they find out about you," Rachel said.

Our final night in New York, Rachel and I dined with Madeleine Astor, who was also staying at the hotel.

She really seemed to enjoy our company.

She told us the Astor family had treated her quite well since she returned. That included her husband's eldest son, who was older than she was, and his mother, who had tried her best before the sinking to have the young girl portrayed as a "gold digger" as Grandmama put it.

She also took particular interest in me, and wanted to know where I was from, and how I liked living as a girl since the sinking.

I told her about our life back in Lancaster County, about the farm my family had before my father died.

I helped him, despite being as scrawny as I was. But when my father died, my mother and I couldn't really make a go of it.

"An Amish family gave mother a good price," I said, "And we moved to town."

It was because of that we had enough money to go on a vacation in France, which my mother always wanted to see.

*****

It was mid-summer when Henry Hobbes journeyed from Philadelphia to Lancaster. Grandmama was surprised to find out my mother worked at a store that did business with her company.

Mr. Hobbes knew my mother's boss, Samuel Hess.

"Henry, it's a surprise to see you," Mr. Hess said when Mr. Hobbes arrived at his store. "I thought everything was fine with our order. We're expecting the furniture here next week."

"Relax, Samuel," Mr. Hobbes replied. "I'm here on personal business for Mrs. Pierpoint."

He was shocked to find out that one of the wealthiest women in Pennsylvania had a matter to discuss with a young, widowed middle class woman struggling to raise two young daughters alone.

"Myra, tell Mary Rhinehart to come up front," Mr. Hess said.

My mother was curious, too, as to why someone the likes of Agnes Pierpoint wanted to talk to her.

"It is about some things that happened on board the Titanic, ma'am," he said. "Mrs. Pierpoint wants you and your girls to come visit her. She will pay for your transportation. She will also compensate you for any missed time at work."

"That will not be necessary, Henry," Mr. Hess said. "Take all of the time you need, Mary. You're my best worker. You won't have to worry about missing pay for taking time off for something like this."

Mr. Hess asked my mother if she knew anything about why Grandmama wanted to see her.

"We were on the Titanic together," my mother said. "But to my knowledge, I've never met her."

*****

I gave Rachel a hug as we sat in the window sill.

"I really don't want you to go," she said, weeping. "But I know you have to. I loved having you here as Leah, but Grandmama says its time you get to living as Michael again, time for you to go back to your family."

I nodded. I had mixed emotions.

I had almost felt like I had said goodbye to being Michael when I changed into Rachel's clothes aboard the Titanic. Now it seemed like I was saying goodbye to Leah as I prepared to return to being Michael.

I mean, I was always Michael. But a part of me would always be Leah, too. Not Leah the child who died in a train wreck, but the Leah I was in the lifeboat, aboard the Carpathia, in New York and in the last few months in Philadelphia.

"You will always be part of this family," Grandmama said. "You can visit Rachel and I as much as you like."

"And I'd like to come to see you in Lancaster, even if you are really a boy," Rachel said.

"I'd like that," I said. "I want to come visit."

Just as I had missed my mother and sisters, I was really beginning to mourn the loss of my relationship to Rachel and Grandmama.

And part of me wasn't really ready to let go to being Leah.

But I changed into the nice suit Henry Hobbes picked out for me and sat in the window sill with Rachel and watched as my mother arrived with my sisters.

I burst into tears. It was the first time I'd seen them since we were aboard the Carpathia. Rachel grabbed a hold of me and wept, too.

*****

Grandmama welcomed my mother into the house and took her to the parlor.

She asked Margarite, her maid, to take my sisters, Sarah and Elizabeth, to the garden while she and my mother talked.

I was upstairs looking at myself in the mirror. I still had the long hair I had grown as Leah, but I was wearing boys' clothes for the first time since that night on the Titanic.

"You're pretty as a girl," Rachel said. "But I also think you're pretty handsome."

I thanked her. And asked her if I could have a few minutes alone. She agreed and went and sat on the top of the stairs. She heard the conversation between Grandmama and my mother.

"Are you telling me my Michael's alive?" I heard my mother say.

Grandmama told her I was waiting upstairs.

My mother was in a state of shock. Then she wept.

"I really, really do not know what to say," she told Grandmama, "but thank you. This may be the happiest day of my life."

Grandmama told her she had Henry Hobbes buy me a trunk load of clothes to replace the ones I had lost aboard the Titanic.

"They were all that he had," my mother said. "He didn't leave anything back in Lancaster."

She was also stunned when Grandmama told her she had set up a trust fund for me.

"Even though we've known him more as Leah, Michael is still very much a part of this family," she said. "And this is a way for him to always know that."

"I'm sure he'll appreciate it," my mother said.

My mother accepted Grandmama's invitation for us all to have dinner together before we headed back to Lancaster aboard a train.

"Rachel, go get Leah...I mean Michael," Grandmama said. "Tell him his mother is downstairs."

Rachel was surprised when she walked back into the bedroom.

I had taken off the suit and had put on my favorite dress. I was in the process of putting makeup on.

"Don't just stand there, sis!" I said. "Give me that bow and help me fix my hair."

"What's going on?" Rachel asked.

"We're staying for dinner, aren't we?" I asked.

"Yes," Rachel replied.

"I want to stay Leah for a few more hours," I said. "I can change when we get ready to go."

Both mother and Grandmama had the look of surprise when I follwed Rachel down the stairs.

"If I didn't recognize your face, I'd swear you couldn't possibly be Michael," mother said as we embraced.

Suddenly, Sarah and Elizabeth came rushing through the door and joined in the embrace.

"Michael sure is pretty, isn't he mommy?" Sarah said.

"He sure is," my mother replied. "He is the prettiest sight I've ever laid my eyes on."

My mother could not believe how Rachel and I got along at the dinner table.

"It's amazing, you'd swear they really are sisters," she whispered to Grandmama.

"Yes you would," Grandmama said. "Having two girls around this house have really been entertaining."

We told mother about our experiences since Grandmama and Rachel rescued me aboard the Titanic.

The mother told us of their experiences, and how hard it was on them after they returned.

"The whole town of Lancaster came out for your funeral...or Michael's funeral, or at least it seemed that way," my mother said. "There is a marker for you in the family graveyard since the body was never recovered."

The mood around the table got very serious. Mother asked to speak to Grandmama in the parlor.

"What's going to happen when people find out Michael's alive?" my mother asked.

"I've thought about that ever since we were aboard the lifeboat," Grandmama said. "I'm sure it will create a big scandal, although hopefully things have died down some. I'm sure this is something Michael will have to deal with the rest of his life. But we will be by his side. And I keep asking myself every day if keeping Michael as Leah for this long was the right thing to do, if it only put off the inevitable."

"Aggie, don't think about that," my mother said. "My child would be dead if you hadn't of done what you did. I'm forever grateful."

My mother then asked Grandmama a big favor.

"We would love to do that," Grandmama said. "But that is something for you and Michael to decide."

*****

Rachel and Grandmama sat quietly in the parlor as my mother and I discussed my predicament.

"I know being Leah is something that is very important for you," she said.

"I know mother," I said. "But it's going to be hard to see you, Sarah and Elizabeth get back aboard the train for Lancaster without me."

"Oh, my darling, Aggie says we can come to visit you anytime we like," she said. "Think about the other people who have been caught up in scandal and branded cowards because they survived Titanic's sinking. I do not want that for you."

That did make my decision a little easier. But mother said it would be my decision to make, and mine alone.

I looked at myself in the mirror.

"I'm really grateful for what people did for poor Michael in Lancaster," I said. "And I haven't been him since that night aboard Titanic, so maybe he really did die. I'm Leah Pierpoint, a Titanic survivor.

April 14, 2012

The view from the deck of the yacht was breathtaking.

A calm sea. She could easily see the stars in the sky, it was so dark.

There was a coolness in the air.

"You know Howard, I could easily imagine it," she told the man who had been her personal assistant not long after settling into a position at Pierpont International after she graduated at the top of her class at Harvard. She was expected to rise quickly in the family business, which she did.

Her brother Michael ran the company. He was the president and CEO.

She was the chief financial officer and carried the title of vice president.

"That was an excellent speech you gave, Ma'am," he said. "Very emotional."

"Oh, I've given it about a thousand times," she said with a slight chuckle.

Truth was, she was the keeper of the flame, the family historian about the tragedy that took place in almost the same spot 100 years before

Her brother Micheal, he spoke about the Titanic to groups, but not nearly as much as she did, and clearly not with as much passion, even though his name was quite linked to family lore. Hers' was, too.

Rachel Maddox-Hughes was the great-granddaughter of Titanic survivor and future company mogul Rachel Pierpont- Maddox. She and her sister, great-great Aunt Leah Pierpont-Morgan, were the two women who were worthy heirs of Agnes Pierpont, the two visionaries made the company a corporate giant.

Other family members, her cousins Rinehart Pierpont Morgan III and Wren Morgan Hamilton, also carried family duties in weaving the Titanic family tale to groups and were also important players in the family business.

But the family's Titanic legacy seemed to rest on her shoulders, a burden she didn't seem to mind.

This voyage she arranged among Titanic enthusiasts, who seemed to be enjoying their trip on the S.S. Pierpont on the 100th anniversary of the ill-fated voyage. She was the ultimate host, having authored two best-selling books on the Titanic sinking and the aftermath.

"Howard, if you don't mind, can you tell the others I won't be joining them," she said. "I just want to spent the next couple of hours with my children, and Pippa."

"As you wish, ma'am," he said departing her personal suite.

Her good friend Pippa Rinehart was the only other person who knew the true family story of what happened that night. She and Rachel were college roommates and best friends. Her great-grandfather was the first cousin to Michael Rinehart, and related by blood to her cousins Wren and Rinehart.

Michael Rinehart's youngest sister died of cancer, leaving two very young sons. Leah and her husband John Morgan adopted them. They were Wren and Rinehart's grandfathers. They both married cousins in the Pierpont family, which united the two families by glood.

"They were extraordinary women," Rachel said to Pippa as they sipped tea in a lounge room where a stately portrait of the three Pierpont women hung, Agnes flanked by her granddaughters, Rachel and Leah. It was painted after the sisters joined the family business after graduating 1-2 in their class at Vassar College.

"You were lucky to have known them," Pippa said.

Both women lived into their 90s. They poured out their knowledge of running the Pierpoint company into their heirs. But Rachel was the one they shared their most intimate tales of the tragic voyage that would change forever two families.

Rachel, in turn, shared the full tale to Pippa, swearing her to keep the secret, which Pippa had. Pippa always had her back, especially after her divorce.

Suddenly, three weary-eyed kids came bounding into the room.

"Oh my God, they've grown!" Pippa said when twins Ryan and Cheyenne and Amber came into the room.

Ryan and Cheyenne were 12. Twins ran in the family. Amber was 10.

"How is Ryan doing with therapy?" Pippa asked Rachel.

"He has done very well," Rachel said. "Really been a trooper at the conferences with other kids, too."

As they sat out on the deck, Rachel read from the diaries of the three Pierpont women.

They looked out into the ocean and saw the other boats, several surrounding the site and participating in the anniversary in their own way.

Rachel at her watch. She looked at Ryan and Cheyenne.

"You've got your clothes picked out?" she asked her eldest children.

They nodded and walked quietly to their room.

They emerged a few minutes later.

"You didn't tell me they were going to wear replica dresses," Pippa whispered to Rachel.

"I told them the full truth about Michael and Leah after we made the decision fro Ryan to transition," Rachel whispered. "The girls were the ones who came up with this idea after they found out we were coming to the site. Great-grandma Rachel and Aunt Leah donated the dresses they wore on the night of the sinking to the company museum in Philly. We found a designer to make replica dresses."

The five women carried roses and threw them into the sea.

"For the lives lost," they said in unison at about 2:15 a.m., the time of the Titanic's sinking.

They then lit two candles on a table on the deck.

"For the lives reborn," they said again as Leah Anne Hughes lit candles for herself and great-great Aunt Leah.

Chapter One

He really stuck out like a sore thumb.

We usually say that all types come clubbing at Grande Illusions. Crossdressers, transgender, gay men, women out for a good time and occasionally a couple looking for a night on the town.

He looked like a lonely businessman in his 50s seated in the area of the club where I served as a waiter...or waitress...depending on your perspective. On nights that I didn't perform, which was most nights, I spent the evening serving the clientele drinks and food.

He was polite and had the club sandwich. He wasn't a heavy drinker. I was a bit surprised when he asked me to come sit with him during my break. I usually refused. Most requests came from drunk men, who well, wanted something a little extra.

I was just glad to get off my feet. Walking in heels isn't anything new for me, but my feet still ached during a long shift.

He asked genuine questions. Why he showed an interest in me, I really wasn't sure. Where was I from? How did I come to work in a place like this...they weren't unusual questions. I heard them all before.

"I'm 32." "I come from a small town near Jackson, Mississippi." "My family would be shocked if they knew."

He was fascinated to find out I worked at Grande Illusions when I was in college. In case you haven't guessed, it's a club that features female impersonaters. They performed every night. Then there were those like me, we worked the tables as "waitresses" five nights out of the week and got to perform on the sixth as the warmup acts for the headliners.

I minored in dance in college, crossdressed and wrestled with transgender issues most of my life. Most of all, I was passable, that made me an ideal employee for Grande Illusions, which also employed actual female waitresses and performers, too, to keep the clientele guessing.

He was fascinated to find out my actual career was in graphic design, but lost my job when company went bellyup in the economic downtown.

"I was just in town visiting the club when the owner asked me if I wanted my old job back," I told him.

I was surprised when he opened up to me. He was 58, an engineer nearing retirement. His wife of nearly 30 years died of cancer the year before. He didn't want to go to a strip club because he felt he was dishonoring her memory. And he said he felt like he would be having an affair if he found himself attracted to one of the women at the strip club.

So hence he came to a club that featured female impersonaters.

"I know it sounds strange," he said.

I told him I wasn't judging. I mean, how could I wearing a T-shirt and a short skirt?

He was amazed when I told him I wasn't on hormones, that I was wearing falsies instead of breast implants.

"Some of the headliners do that," I told him. "Some of them are a bit hard core. If I ever did anything like that, it would be for the right reasons, not for money or for performance sake."

"And what are the right reasons?" he asked.

"If I ever decided I wanted to become a woman," I said, but was a bit embarrassed when I told him.

"Is that something you're considering doing?" he asked.

"I think about it sometimes, but not a whole lot," I confided. "It's not something I'm seriously considering doing. Just a thought I have sometimes."

He didn't seem very shocked. I was a bit surprised when he handed me his card near the end of my break. He also asked me for my phone number, which I scribbled on the back of a napkin.

"Would you be interested in getting a cup of coffee sometime?" he asked.

"Sure, why not?" I said. "But I got to warn you, I don't dress enfemme outside of this place."

He laughed.

"You look very beautiful as a woman," he said. "You should try it sometime."

"Well, you do look different," he said when he took a seat at the table at the coffee shop.

"Told you I would," I said. "No wig, no makeup, not skirt, just me."

"Did you have a late night last night?" he asked.

It was pretty late. It was my night to perform in addition to waiting on tables.

"Of course," I said. "You missed my Gloria Estefan routine."

It brought a laugh from him.

"Wished I could have been there to see it," he said.

"No you don't, just be glad you're not a member of our regular clientele," I said. "Be glad you have a life."

He smiled, but said he didn't have much of one anymore.

"Meant to tell you, thanks for the flowers," I said. "They were the talk of the whole club."

Imagine my surprise when roses greeted me in the dressing room. All of the girls, the fake ones and the real ones, were wanting to know who the mystery person -- man or woman -- was in my life.

"I didn't mean to do something that was the start of a conversation," he said.

"Well, it was sweet," I said as I sipped my coffee.

I asked him how his day had gone. I learned a little about the world of construction, although most of it pretty much went over my head.

I hoped I didn't strike a nerve when I asked him about his wife.

But he seemed more than eager to open up about the woman that captured his heart so many years ago.

I found it interesting that like me, she was from a small Southern town. They met in college and married soon after.

She was a college professor who liked dance and yoga. She was also interested in art and charity work and played tennis and golf with friends from the country club.

She retired early, like he hoped to do, and just began to enjoy life. That was until she fell ill.

He sounded very much like a man full in love. It was a passion I appreciated.

He asked me about my relationships.

There wasn't a whole lot to tell, I said. Most of the relationships I was in pretty much ended up in disaster, although the women I dated were are fun to be with.

He asked me if I were ever tempted to go out with men. I guess because I was a crossdresser and a female impersonator, he thought I might fall into the stereotype.

Then he showed me photos of his wife. She was beautiful, even for one her age. She started off as a brunette, but actually turned gray at an early age, although the gray pretty much suited her.

She wasn't petite, but more on the athletic side. He showed me photos of them at formal events, one of her in a tennis dress and one of them sipping drinks on a boat.

They didn't have any children, although they wanted them.

"It just never happened," he said. "But it allowed us to do things together we probably never would have been able to do, or have the time to do."

One of the passions was boating. The photo with them sipping drinks was on a sailboat they owned at the shore.

"Been a while since I've been sailing," he said. "I haven't been since she passed away."

I told him I'd been to the beach, but had never actually been sailing.

"I was thinking about going Sunday," he said. "Are you off? It would be nice to have someone with me."

Sunday was the one off day from the club. I was a bit reluctant.

But he was so persuasive.

I had to stop by the store before heading to the marina.

I had to ask myself why I was doing this. I also wondered just what his motivation was.

I'll admit I'm somewhat of a reserved person. I kept very little friends. I liked everyone I worked with at the club, especially the "girls".

But none were close that I really confided in them.

I walked down the pier looking for his boat. He called it a sailboat, but it was quite impressive. It looked more like a mini-yacht.

"There you are, welcome aboard!" he said as helped me into the boat.

"Well this is really nice," I said.

"Thank you," He said. "Bought it about 15 years ago. I still have this dream of sailing around the world in it. It was sort of our dream when I finally retired."

That wasn't a dream I could fathom, not as a graphics designer, not as a part-time illusionist. It was a world I wasn't quite familiar with.

"Is there a place where I can change?" I asked, clutching my swim suit and a towel. "I can tell a pair of jeans will be too hot today."

"Follow the stairs," he said, pointing to a door that led down. "The bathroom is on the right, next to the kitchen. And while you're at it, can you fetch a couple of wine glasses."

He pointed to a bottle of win he had in a bucket of ice.

"I'll untie the boat and get us on the way."

Inside the craft was an impressive sight. There was a small bedroom to the left. There was a kitchenette and den in the center and a bathroom, with a tub.

On the wall in the den was a painting of his wife, with the words "Marie" on the bottom of the painting. She was lounging on the side of the boat while they were at sea, wearing a brown swimsuit, white robe, shorts, visor with a pair of flip flops.

I probably would not have made much note of what she was wearing except the very same clothes were hanging on the door in the bathroom with the visor around hook. The flip flops were directly under the clothes as if the owner were going to return.

I stared at the clothes as I took off mine and grabbed my suit.

I then laid my suit down, and for some reason decided to try on her clothes.

I was amazed by how well they fit, right down to the shorts and terry cloth robe. Even the flip-flops were the right size.

I grabbed the visor and a pair of sunglasses that were on the sink. And grabbed the scrunchy and a brush in a small bag next to the sink and put my hair into a ponytail.

"I don't know what he'll think," I thought as I reached for the wine glasses in the fridge. "He'll probably throw me overboard."

Call it a moment of temporary insanity.

I slowly walked toward the door, with fear rushing in my head.

"What's taking you so long?" he shouted.

Slowly I opened the door and walked up on deck. His mouth dropped open for a second and then he smiled.

"I can go back in change," I said.

"No, don't do that!" he said. "Now bring those glasses here!"

I gave him the glasses. He poured wine in each glass.

"I got this bottle at a winery in France," he said as he handed me my glass and put his arm around my waist.

"I think Marie's clothes suit you," he said.

"I don't know why put them on," I said. "I was afraid you'd be mad."

He laughed and then surprised me by giving me a kiss on the cheek.

"I guess I can understand why you would feel that way," he said. "But I've got a confession to make. I actually put them out for you. I was actually hoping you'd be tempted to put them on. Somehow I don't think Marie would mind."

I blushed.

"And I took the bait," I said. "This is all real confusing to me right now."

He apologized for making me feel confused and told me he wanted me to just relax and have a good time.

He brought out some sandwiches as we got further out to see. He pointed out a whale nearby that arose to the surface.

"You don't see things like this on land," he said.

And that I hadn't. He was right. It did relax me.

I found myself cradled in his arms as we watched the sun seemingly set into the sea.

"What time to you have to be back," he asked as nightfall began to engulf us. I was impressed with the stars, how many there were. You didn't see that many in town because of the city lights.

"I don't really have a time to be back," I said. "I don't have to be back at the club until tomorrow night. What about you, Captain?"

I was expecting him to say he would have to be back at work early the next day.

"Well, I'm the boss," he said. "I could call in tomorrow and tell them I'm not coming in."

Suddenly a grin moved across his face.

"Ever spent the night at sea?" he asked.

I laughed.

"You know I haven't," I said. "But if you're game, I am."

"Good," he said. "I was hoping you would say that."

"Well I'm going to have to go down stairs and change," I told him. "I'm feeling a little sweaty and sticky."

"You're not going to put on what you brung are you?" he said, acting disappointed.

"What else do I have to wear?" I asked.

"If you'll check the drawers in the bedroom, you'll probably find some of Marie's lingerie. Her housecoat, I'm sure, is hanging up in the closet."

"You didn't leave those there for me?" I asked. You know I had to ask.

"No, those I didn't," he said. "Those were left in there from our last night out. She used to take a bubble bath and then changed into them before coming back on deck at night."

I smiled and told him I intended to do the same -- which I did. I have to admit, I enjoyed the pampering.

He changed, too, while I was in the tub, into shorts and a bathrobe before returning back on deck.

He was waiting and handed me another glass of wine when I joined him.

"Got a question to ask," he said.

"Which is?" I replied.

"When you wrestled with being transgendered, did you ever give any thoughts to actually living as a woman?" he said.

"There were times when I fantasized what it would be like when I was in college," I confessed. "But I never mustered the courage to do it. I never really seriously considered it."

"Well..." he said. "What if I asked you to come live with me, but only as a woman, would you do it?"

"Are you asking me this for real?" I asked.

"Yes, I am," he said. "You would have to quit the club, that would be a condition. But you could pretty much choose the life you would want to live for a woman you're age. You could even retire if you like."

"Wow..." I said. "You're hitting me with a lot. Would you mind if I took some time to think it over?"

"Yes, take as much time as you need," he said.

"You'd be a fool not to test the waters."

Becky Waters was a wise woman. She hired me twice at Grande Illusions, once as 19-year-old college sophomore. The other as a person in his 30s who was down on his luck.

She knew the man making the proposal.

Frank Cignetti was a respected business man in the community. His wife, Marie, was also well respected, too.

"From everything I'm told, he really doted on his wife," she said.

She reminded me of the long hours at the club, although she told me she hated to lose me.

"I was hoping to bump you up to a headlining position," she said. "I think you've got the potential to hit the big time in Vegas."

I told her I didn't really feel becoming a full-time female illusionist was a career goal.

"But maybe becoming a female is," she said. And she was serious.

"I've often thought you were a classy lady, maybe too classy for here. Maybe you're meant to become a woman, David. Maybe you're meant to become the next Mrs. Frank Cignetti."

That startled me. I'd never been attracted to men, much less marry one. But then again, I never thought of myself as a woman, at least in serious terms.

That was until a few days ago. I found myself dressing more as woman, even when I headed to the club, although I tried to be subtle about it.

I thought of that conversation as I walked through his house. He gave me a key to his house to just look around, to take things in and think things through.

The house was modern in style. It wasn't overdone. It wasn't a mansion, but you knew its occupants lived comfortably.

I explored the kitchen, the living room and the den. Downstairs was what Frank called his "man room." Next door to it was Marie's studio, with plants and art work. It had a ballet barre. I sat down in the window sill in the studio taking in the warmth of the sunlight coming into the room. It was nice.

My thoughts were interrupted when a yellow cat entered the room meowing. She rubbed against my legs. I picked her up and she began to purr. I giggled for a few seconds.

I walked out and saw the hot tub and thought about how good it must feel to be in it from time to time. I walked back into the living room and sat on the couch a few minutes. I picked up some of Marie's books that were under an in-table.

I noticed quite a few pictures of Marie and Frank, a testament to their love, I thought, to their lives.

I walked into the bedroom and saw the king-size bed. I took notice of two dressers and two walk-in closets. Marie's clothes were still hanging up in her closet. I assumed they were also still in her drawer.

I wasn't being critical. If I were in his place, I knew I'd have a hard time putting things away.

Then I noticed to large portraits hanging side-by-side. One was a nude painting of Marie lounging on the couch I sat on in the living room. She was sipping a cup of coffee and holding the yellow cat in her lap.

The other was real photograph. Marie and Frank were building a snow man outside of a ski lodge. She was nude except a scarf, gloves and snow boots. Frank wore full winter gear. Words were written on the portrait: "Christmas, Aspen, 2003."

There must be a story behind it, I thought.

Just then my cell phone rang. It was Frank. He was about to finish a round of golf at the country club and wanted to know if I would meet him there for lunch.

"Yeah, sure," I said. "Meet you at a table outside? Sounds great. Oh yeah, I'm here. It's given me a lot to think about."

I sat on the bed for minute and decided to surprise him. I walked into Marie's closet and started searching until I found it.

What more appropriate to wear to the country club than Marie's tennis outfit? I put it on and was amazed how well it fit.

I went over to her dresser and pulled out a brush and started doing my hair. I noticed a small box on the dresser that contained makeup.

I put base on, with a little blush. I added lipstick, eye shadow and eye liner, but didn't want to over do it.

I hopped in the car, but hoped I wasn't making a big mistake.

"He's expecting you ma'am," the valet said when I pulled up at the club.

Didn't I tell you I was passable?

He was talking to another gentleman when I greeted him out back.

"Carl, this is Debra Murray," Frank said, intruducing us.

Debra, I thought, I was wondering how he was going to get around the name since we haven't discussed what it would be.

I mean my stage name, Cassie O'Connor, might not seem appropriate.

"You can just call me Deb," I told Carl.

"So you're the new woman in Frank's life?" he asked. "I'm so glad he's finally seeing one again."

He didn't know how much of a new woman I actually was.

"Carl, if you'll excuse us," Frank said.

Carl left, leaving us alone while we both ordered club sandwiches.

"So what did you think of the house?" he asked.

"It's very nice," I said. "It sort of opened things up about your life. But there is so much more I've got to learn."

"I understand," he said. "So if you want to take your time thinking about my proposal, it's fine with me."

"Oh that's not what I meant," I said. "I want to learn more about you. And about your life with Marie."

"So what do you mean, then?" he asked.

"I've decided to take you up on the offer," I said. "But on one condition."

"What's that?" he asked.

"If we're ever in Aspen during Christmas, I'd prefer to wear a little more clothes if we're building a snow man," I said.

He laughed.

"No problem," he said with a chuckle. "But I would like to get a photo of you naked on a mink coat on the hood of my Rolls Royce."

"You'll have to get me drunk first," I said with a laugh.

Okay, so he didn't have to get me drunk.
Here I was sprawled on top of a mink coat naked on top of his classic Rolls Royce that he only drove on special occasions. I was holding Pandora, the cat, next to my chest to hide the lack of breasts.
My package, lets just say it was hidden underneath and on top of the mink. No one could tell I wasn't really a woman.
"We're almost done," said Robert, a professional photographer friend of Frank's.
"So where will this one hang, Frank?" Robert asked.
"I was thinking maybe the den Bob," he said with a chuckle.
"Don't let him kid you Robert, this one's going in the 'man room', right next to your other fine work," I protested.
His other work, I forgot to mention? Frank and his Great Dane Caesar sitting side by side on a couch, dressed in matching tuxedos. Marie was lying, pretending to be sleeping in an exact cat-pose on the floor as Pandora, naked and wearing the exact same collar as Pandora with a bell on it.
It was Frank's favorite portrait.
Frank tossed me a bath robe when the photo shoot was done.
I picked up Pandora and held her close.
"One of these days, she won't be the only pussy I'll have," I whispered to Frank, kissing him on the lips before heading into the house.
Frank said a few words to Robert before following me inside.
I opened the refrigerator and bent over to grab Frank a beer and me a wine cooler and felt a cold dog's nose on my bare ass.
"Dammit, Caeser, I swear you think you have the run of the house," I said as I handed Frank his beer.
"You've seen the portrait downstairs," Frank said with a laugh. "He does."
"I'm going to grab me a nice hot bath," I told him before heading upstairs to the bathroom in the master bedroom.
"I forgot to tell you that some of the boys are coming over to play cards tonight and maybe a little pool," Frank said. "That's OK isn't it. We'll be downstairs. We shouldn't bother you."
"That's fine" I said, giving him another kiss on the lips before heading up stairs. "So who is coming?"
"Carl, you've met," he said. "Don and Jack from work are also coming."
I have to tell you, I was beginning to enjoy the life I'd only been living there a few days and it was beginning to feel like home.
I was worried at first that perhaps I was intruding on Marie's space. Her clothes, her studio, her house. But Frank set me straight.
"Think of them as your clothes, your studio, your house, your pets, your vehicles," he said. "You are the mistress of the house, Deb."
That was comforting. We did set a few boundaries. There would be no sex until the point, or if, I had sexual reassignment surgery. Touching, cuddling, kissing, snuggling, we would do if we were comfortable to do it.
And as you've found out from the kissing, we were becoming comfortable with it. A lot was running through my head as I soaking, relaxing in the tub.
Where this journey was leading, I didn't quite know.
My deep thoughts were interrupted by a shout from downstairs.
"Deb, can you get us some beers," Frank shouted. "We've just now gotten the game started."
I rolled my eyes. Can't he wait until I get out of the tub?
I crawled out of the tub and dried off. I pulled on a silk robe and headed downstairs.
I grabbed four beers and walked down stairs to the "man room" and handed Frank and his buddies their beer.
Frank slipped his beer under my robe and touched my ass with his to let me know how cold it was. I jumped and nearly slapped him.
"I hate to ask, but can you also bring us some snacks down?" Frank said.
You've got to be kidding, I thought. Here I am dressed in nothing but a robe and he wants me to make them snacks.
I thought I would teach Frank a lesson. I took off my robe once I got to the kitchen, tied my package a special way where it could not be seen from the back and put on an apron. It had pockets up front where it looked like I breasts.
But from the back, I was naked, completely bare assed.
I chopped vegetables and made sandwiches and dip and brought them downstairs.
Frank had an odd look on his face. His buddies smiled and laughed.
"Care to stick around and join us?" Carl said.
"Maybe I should," I said grabbing a pool stick. I bent over to take a shot. "Eight ball in the side pocket."
I sank the shot.
Frank walked up behind behind me.
"OK Deb, I get the message," he whispered. "Will you forgive me?"
"Maybe," I said, cooly.
"You know, I do find you extremely sexy right now," he said just above the whisper.
I whistled on my way back up the stairs. I no longer felt angry. I felt like I stood my ground.
I went to the guest room and grabbed a silk pair of pajamas and headed to the refrigerator to get another wine cooler. Caesar again greeted me and I gave him a snack.
I picked up Pandora and headed to the studio.
Caesar followed.
"Sorry boy, it's girl time," I said, shutting the door, curling up in a chair with Pandora and started reading one of Marie's books.
I was still reading when there came a tap on the door.
It was Frank with a sorrowful look on his face.
"The boys just left," he said. "I'm really sorry about what happened. Seriously, do you forgive me?"
I stood up and embraced him, brushed his hair out of his eyes.
"Well, if you kiss me, I might consider it," I said.
He gave me a passionate one.
"You remember the plastic surgery friend of yours?" I asked.
"Yes," he said.
"I'd like to call him, and get the ball rolling," I said.
"You mean?" he asked.
"Hormones and implants.." I said.
Before I could finish, he picked me and started carrying me up the stairs.
Before I could ask "Where are we going?," he opened the master bedroom door and set me gently down on the bed, leaned forward, embraced me and planted another kiss on me before letting his hands do roaming down my back, my ass and my legs, causing me to tingle just a bit.
"Are you sure this is what you want?" he asked.
I grabbed him, kissed him and felt his shoulders and pinched his ass.
"What do you think?" I whispered.

Casual Conversation
 
Chapter 6

by Torey

---

 
"Where do you want this?" I said, bringing a couple of boxes of Chinese food into Frank's office.
"Just put it right here on the desk," he said as he cleared the desk of blue prints. "Thanks for bringing this, I'm starving."
He rewarded me by giving me a kiss on the cheek.
"So what are you workin' on my man," I asked.
"We won a major contract this morning," he said. "We're building a hotel and conference center down by the waterfront."
"The Hilton hotel contract you were telling me about?" I asked.
"That's the one," he said. "It's going to be a lot of work. It's also going to mean a lot of money for the company. That's why I asked you to pick us up some Chinese. I didn't have time to come home for lunch. But I also wanted us to celebrate a little."
"Well, I would have brought us some champagne if I had known," I said. "But you don't need to be working on the job."
"Enough with my big news," Frank said. "How did things go with your appointment with Craig this morning."
"Oh Dr. Barnes is quite charming," I said. "In a couple of weeks, I'm going to feel like Franken Cignetti's monster."
"Franken Cignetti's monster," Frank asked. "I would prefer Bride of Franken Cignetti?"
"Bride of Franken Cignetti?" I said. "I hope that's not a proposal. If so, that's pretty lame."
It brought a chuckle from Frank.
"So why do you refer it to Franken Cignetti's monster?" Frank asked. "You're just getting breast implants."
I shook my head no. I told him I was also opting for facial feminization surgery.
"You're face looks OK to me," he said.
"Well, if I'm going to do this, I want to do this right," I said. "I'd like to get the vaginoplasty, too. But I want to go through a few therapy sessions first."
"I know that's going to be a little more than what you were expecting to do," Frank said. "I'm glad you're doing all of that. But I want you to know, I don't want you to rush it."
"I appreciate that, dear," I said. "But I think the timing is right, although I am a little nervous about it."
He did everything to reassure me. He told me he was going to be there for me, every step of the way.
"So what are your plans for the rest of the day?" he asked.
"I've got a few errands to run," I said. "I may also squeeze in a yoga class."
I wiped off his face. He had rice on his lip.
"I've got to run," I said, giving him a kiss on the lips before leaving. "Don't work too hard."
He gave me a pat on the butt before I walked out the door and stole another kiss.
"Did I tell you you looked sexy in that dress," he whispered.
I smiled.
"You get to work, my man," I said.
***
"Cassie..or Dave, is that you?" I heard a voice say as I was looking through dresses.
I decided to do a little shopping. Marie's clothes were great, but I sort of wanted some clothes of my own.
"Gina?" I replied. Gina D'ambrosia was one of the "real" girls who worked at Grande Illusions. She was a featured performer with hopes of becoming a Vegas showgirl. She always put on a tasteful show.
"My God it is you," she said. "You look great, I hardly recognized you. Mona told us what you're doing. I think it's awesome. How's it going?"
"Going well," I said. I didn't tell her about the surgery coming up. "Oh my God, luck at you...and this can't be Reid?"
Reid was her son. She was a single mom who sometimes brought him to the club while she was working. He hung out backstage.
"It is, can you believe he's 11."
"No, you've really grown up," I said, patting him on the head. "So mom dragged you along while she's looking for dresses?"
"Oh, we're shopping for the both of us," she said, picking up two black matching sequined dresses.
"Really?" I said, noticing Reid blushing.
"Saturday's my last show," Gina said. "I finally landed a job in Vegas. I wanted to do something special and include him in the act. I was surprised when he said he wanted to dress up like the girls. Mona gave us the OK."
I held up Reid's chin.
"I'm sure you'll do fine," I said. "Maybe I can talk Frank into going with me to watch it."
***
"14," I said as I reached the end of the pool. "And I beat you, Caesar!"
He jumped in when I started doing laps and tried to keep up.
"Good job you two," Frank said before I climbed out of the pool.
"I didn't hear you pull up," I said as he handed me my towel. "Hope you had a productive rest of the day at work."
"I did indeed my dear," he said, handing me a drink after I wrapped the towel around me.
"How long do you think it will take you to get dressed?" he asked.
"Well it depends, why do you ask?" I replied.
"I've booked us reservations at Lombardi's," he said. "Then I thought I would take my girl dancing, if she feels up to after doing so many laps in the pool."
"Oh, I'll feel up to it!" I said. "You better hope you can keep up, old man."
Lombardi's was the nicest Italian restaurant in town. I went there a couple of times, but it was years ago. I couldn't afford it while I was working at Grande Illusions.
I picked out a red dress after grabbing a shower. I didn't take me long to do my hair. I just kept things simple.
We rode to Lombardi's in the Rolls. Frank was going all out.
There was a long line when we got there...but we walked right in. Frank had a table waiting.
The candles were already lit. He pulled my chair out for me like a perfect gentleman and ordered our food.
I was completely shocked when a man with a violin came up and serenaded us.
"Give me your hand," he said. I reached across the table and saw his face aglow in the candlelight.
He pulled out a box.
"Oh my!" I said as he opened the box.
"I've got a confession to make," he said. "I was mourning when I went to Grande Illusions. But the moment I saw you, you took my breath away. I knew I was in love."
For me, it was a little more gradual. It wasn't how he looked, but how he carried himself. And how he cared for and treated me. He saw me as a woman even before I was willing to accept it myself.
"I love you too, my man," I whispered, fighting back the tears.
"Debra, I know its really soon, and you'll think this is probably too quick."
"Oh my," I said again.
"Will you marry me," he asked on one knee.
"You know we have a long journey ahead before we can do that," I said.
"I know," he said. "I promise you I'll be there for you every step of the way."
I smiled. I cried...I said yes.
And the whole restaurant applauded.

Casual Conversation
 
Chapter 7

by Torey

---

 

"How do you feel?" Frank said as I first opened my eyes.
"I bit groggy, a bit score," I whispered and squeezed his hand. "Thank you for going through that with me."
I also got a glimpse at my bandaged face when I looked at the mirror hanging on the wall in my hospital room.
"Oh my God, I'm ugly, too," I whispered.
"No you're not," Frank said. "Craig said it will take some time for you to heal. But you'll be just fine. You'll be as beautiful as ever."
My chest felt like it had weights on it, too. But I was told it will fill awfully strange at first. I went for a small C cup, borderline B. But with the swelling, I felt more like Dolly Pardon.
I felt numb in the chest, too, and a little sore. I also felt soreness in my crotch and inner thighs. And then I realized I was bandaged there, too.
I reached down there with my right hand and made a discovery.
It was gone.
The penis, the at times grotesque thing. It had been replaced by a bandaged, sore mound.
"Uh Frank," I said.
Part of me was a little upset. I went in for breast implants. I went in for facial surgery and a trachial shave. I wasn't supposed to have the full package deal.
That was to include surgery.
"What happened?" I said as I wept. "Why is it gone?"
Frank 'fessed up. After I was put under anesthesia, he asked my doctor how much more difficult would it be to perform the whole procedure.
"And Craig agreed to do it," he said. "It was against procedure, I know."
"And probably illegal, too," I whispered.
The Frank reminded me of the document I signed before I went under. It gave him power of attorney, just in case. And since he had the legal authority to approve the procedure, he did so.
Dr. Barnes apologized. So did Frank.
"I felt like this is what you wanted," he said.
He indeed had a point. I wouldn't have accepted his marriage proposal if it wasn't my intention to become a "full woman."
And before I went in for the implants and the facial surgery, I filled out the forms to legally be declared female by the court, which was approved on the day of my surgery.
Frank was friends with the judge, who quickly granted the request.
"It was my decision, Frank," I said as I wept. "My decision, you understand?"
We had a long discussion. Frank continued to apologize and asked me if I wanted out of the relationship.
"No, I don't want that," I said.
But I also told him I needed some time to heal, both physically and mentally. It was a big decision, a life altering decision...one I thought I was in complete control of.
I needed him to understand.

*****

I sat in the windowsill of the studio after a few weeks had gone by. I still had a few scars physically, but overall, I was pleased with the work.
Craig Barnes, regardless of doing some work without my permission, did good work. Frank was right about his skills. Together with the hormones, my body had gone through an amazing transformation.
I held Pandora in my lap. Deep down I missed Frank, but he had kept his distance as he'd promised. He seemed miserable, too, and buried himself in his work. I wasn't at all sorry for that.
He needed to fully understand that he couldn't have full control over my life.
I wondered, though, if it were time to call a truce. I thought about that as I left the studio and fed Caesar a snack from the kitchen.
I heard laughter in the "man room." It was poker night again, which was Frank's one refuge during my time of protest.
I laughed as I petted Caesar.
"What do you think boy?" I asked, as if I would get a reply from Frank's best friend. "Should I give the old guy another chance?"
Caesar didn't as much as bark.
"Like I would really expect you to give me an answer," I said.
Just then I heard a meow and felt Pandora rub up against my leg.
"I suppose you're right Pandora," I said. "We girls need to show a little compassion, don't we?"
Then it hit me...the phrase "we girls" actually rang true. It had always rung true. That's why I'd always felt a kinship toward Pandora.
Frank was right, it was what I truly wanted.

****

I didn't let on while Frank's buddies were at the house that the truce was over. I wanted to wait until the right moment.
"How did it go?" I asked him as he said goodbye to Carl, who was the last to leave.
"It went fine," he said. "I came out a winner."
"Good for you," I said as he made his way upstairs toward the master bedroom. "Maybe your luck is changing."
"I hope so," he said with a chuckle.
I heard the shower come on in the bathroom of the master bedroom and tiptoed up there, hoping I could surprise him. I stripped once I got to the bedroom, peaked into the bathroom and saw his naked silhouette through the glass doors.
I slid in beside him and grabbed one of his butt cheeks with my right arm and a bar of soap with my left and started washing his chest and kissed his neck.
"Does this mean, you're no longer made it me?" he said with tears in his eyes.
"What do you think, my man," I whispered.
He picked me up. I was afraid he was going to slip.
He kissed me.
"Deb, I really missed you, so."
I wept. I loved him for his passion.
We moved from the shower to the bedroom, where he hovered over me and began showering my body with kisses.
He turned over on his back and cradled me in his arms as I put my head on his chest.
"I missed you, so," he whispered.
I missed you, too," I replied.

Chloe, Chapter 2
It had been a few weeks since her nephew dressed up.

She decided not to press the issue, but she wondered what was going on in his head.

He still played with dolls. He seemed to enjoy Caroline's American Dolls the best, and still mothered Janice Libby.

She enjoyed the story time they had before bed. Despite her sister's many problems, Karen was amazed at her nephew's intelligence and his natural ability with music. She taught him a few simple songs on the piano and he gradually worked his way up to more complicated songs.

He loved playing her flute, the one she played in the high school band, and even could play a few tunes on her violin.

"It's funny Carla," she told a colleague. "He seems to want to play all of the instruments I played. His mother never took interest in music. Neither did Caroline. I've been tempted to bring out my old cello."

He did share one passion with her daughter, horses. He fit nicely into Caroline's riding clothes when his aunt took him riding on Caroline's horse, Buttercup.

"I may have to sign you up for riding lessons," she told him one afternoon at the stable.

"I would love riding, Aunt Karen!" he chimed in.

He painted. He read. He didn't have a problem keeping busy when Karen worked on projects getting ready for another semester at the university, and as the semster approached, she spent many long hours at night working on those projects, lesson plans, tests.

But she didn't complain. She spent as much time doting on the new child around the house. And he seemed to appreciate the effort...or she.

It was a card Brandon made for her think again about the gender battle that seemed to be going on in his head.

She had fallen asleep, slumped over her computer table after another long night of work. She awoke to find the card and a flower lying next to her.

"I love you Aunt K. Love, Chloe."

She looked at the clock. It was 2 a.m. She had forgotten to put him to bed.

She rushed upstairs to find him sound asleep in bed, snuggling with Janice Libby. He looked angelic, and very much like the girl he at times had a longing to be.

She kissed him on the forehead.

"My darling baby girl, what have I done so wonderful to deserve you?

#####

Bewildered. That's how she looked as she looked at the khaki pants and four pairs of shirts sitting on the bed.

"What do you think, which shirt to you like best?"

"I dunno," her nephew said. He was almost amused.

Good ole Aunt K seemed to be multi-tasking about the picking out of the wardrobe, running back-and-forth between her room and his, trying to find the right clothes for both to wear to the University Women's luncheon. There she was standing in his room in a slip and curlers trying to figure out what they both were going to wear at the first function where he would first meet some of her colleagues.

Nothing she picked out seemed to satisfy her.

Then she came up with an idea.

"You're either going to love me for this or hate me," she said as she made one more trip to her room.

She came back with a dress from her closet. She then pulled a dress out of Caroline's closet.

They were a matched set. She then pulled a slip out of a box and a pair of sandles.

"Get you a pair of undies we bought a that store and come to my room," she said.

Brandon smiled and did exactly as his aunt said.

He marched into her room wearing a pair of panties under his T-shirt. She pulled the T-shirt over his head and replaced it with a slip. She did their nails, dabbed a little makeup on his face and did his hair while she also did the same to hers.

"I think it's a Chloe-kind of day," she said to him. "What do you think?"

"I love Chloe days!" he said.

This should be an interesting afternoon, she thought. Her colleagues knew her nephew was staying with her this summer, and possibly beyond that.

"They're going to know you're really a boy," she said as they walked to the car. "Does that bother you?"

He shook his no.

She gave him one last look over. No one would know he was really a boy if they hadn't been told.

He wasn't the only child at the function. Two more professors brought their daughters.

And while his presence in a dress came as a surprise to some, it wasn't shocking, at least not at this luncheon.

"Oh my God, look at you!" said a woman his Aunt Karen introduced as "Zia."

Zia Zanderia, or "Dr. Z" as his aunt called her, was the dean of women's studies. She was, his aunt said, an advocate of "gender neutral" parenting. Her daughter, Lex, was one of the two daughters in attendance. And her appearance offered an interesting contrast to his.

She wore a striped boys' dress shirt and slacks.

"I've got to get a photo of them together," Zia said. "Karen, I'm glad you're one that actually gets it."

Gender neutrality wasn't what his aunt had in mind, even though she took the remarks as a compliment. She wondered if her nephew were a gender-varient child.

"You know, you two have Ashley confused," said Carla Phillips, who was a fellow English professor. Her daughter was the other child in attendance, and one who wore a dress similar to Brandon's.

"She's really pretty, mom," the girl whispered. "It is ok if I call her a she?"

"It is ok if she calls Brandon a she, isn't it? her mother asked Karen.

"Yes," Aunt Karen said. "And you can call her Chloe, if you want to."

Brandon nodded.

"You can call me Ashley!" the girl said. "And you've alread met Lex!"

"It's something we take day-by-day," his aunt told her colleagues. "I'm thinking about getting him a therapist."

"Do you really think he might be transgendered?" asked another colleague.

"I don't know," she said. "This is way beyond my field of study. Whatever the course, he or she has my support along the way."

"Well, I admire you about being out in the open about it," Zia said. "You wouldn't believe the flak I catch about how I'm bringing up Lex."

Part of the battle, Karen explained to her colleagues, was the custody question.

"What happens if a therapist recommends I let Brandon live as Chloe, then Dianne gets custody back?" she asked. "What if she doesn't support me on this."

"Perhaps you need to make her aware of what's going on," said a silver-haired women eavesdropping at the next table.

"Oh, Dr. Ambrose, I didn't know you were listening," Karen said.

The woman was the recently retired university president. And deep down she knew the advice was the right choice to make.

#####

Her instructions to Brandon were clear as they pulled into the hospital parking lot. He wasn't to tell his mother he had been dressing as Chloe.

"I'll do my best to let her in on things," his Aunt Karen said. "No need to shock her right at once."

She wanted her nephew to enjoy his time with his mother. It was a once-a-month allowed visit.

He told his mother about how he loved spending time at Aunt Karen's house, about playing music, painting and horseback riding.

"Wow, you two seem to be enjoying your time together," his mother said.

"Momma, when are you going to come home?" he asked.

"Not for a long time," she said. She held back her problems with her withdrawals, and even a suicide attempt. She put her best face forward during the visit.

"Sweetie, would you like to keep living with Aunt Karen," she asked.

He shook his head. He loved his mother. But the time at his aunt's had been the most stable in his young life.

"I love her a lot, Momma," he said. "Is that okay?"

"Oh sweetie, that is perfectly okay," she said before she gave him a hug. "Sweetie, I guess I need to talk to your Aunt Karen for a few minutes, okay?"

He shook his head yes and left the room.

"Wow, Di, how are you doing?," Karen said, wiping tears from her eyes as she came through the door.

"He seems really enamored with you, K," her sister said.

"The feeling is mutual," she said.

"I'm glad," Dianne said before telling her sister everything that had been going.

"I'm medicated half the time to battle the depression," she said. "Even if I get out of this place, I really don't know how I'll be able to function."

"Don't say that, Di," Karen said. "You'll get better."

"I don't know if I will, K," her sister said. "And we've got to face facts. You are a better mom that I'll ever be. I'm thinking about giving you permanent custody."

Karen sat for a second, not knowing what to say.

"I'd be flattered, Di," she said. "But I still have hope you'll recover. And I wouldn't want to stand in the way."

"He needs stability, K" her sister said. "It's not in his best interest to play 'what if's.'"

Her sister had a point.

"Before we go any further, there is something you ought to know," Karen said to her sister.

She then informed her over Brandon's "Chloe feelings." And about Brandon being allowed to dress as Chloe.

Dianne cried.

"I'm glad he's with you, then," she said. "There were times when I wanted to let him live as Chloe, but I didn't know if it was best for him. And I feared what his dad would do. But I know it tortured him for a long time. One night, when he was crying, I was drunk and almost pulled a pair of scissors to cut it off."

Karen sat stunned.

"But I know that was the alcohol talking," her sister continued. "And I know I'm not emotionally well enough to handle it right now. He...she's in good hands."

The two sisters embraced.

"Can I say goodbye to our child?" her sister asked, letting Karen know she did not fear the role her sister now had in our son, or daughter's life.

Karen called for Brandon after the two sisters regain their composure.

Dianne held her child one final time.

"I want you to be a big girl for momma," she said.

Brandon was stunned by his mother's words.

"I want your Aunt K to pick out a very pretty dress for you for the next time you come," she continued. "I don't want my daughter dressed like a boy when she comes to see her momma."

He nodded.

"Well, Chloe, I guess it's time to say goodbye to your mom," his Aunt Karen said.

He..she was in tears.

"Love you, momma," she said.

"I love you, to," her mother replied as the two embraced.

Part two of three. Thanks again to Patricia for the proofing.

Chapter 9

Dancing professionally, teaching and choreography were never really career goals Kyle had even thought about a few months ago.

His mother threw out things like being a doctor, a lawyer or even an engineer. He had the grades to think about those things in the future. Those were the type of jobs that pulled in “a lot of money”, his mother always said.

He also thought about teaching, regular school teaching. That was the career Ms. Arceneaux settled on after she was through dancing professionally. He really admired her.

But he also admired Madame Kathryn and Ms. Carlton. That had pretty fun jobs, too.

“So you really enjoyed teaching those kids?” his mother asked.

“Yeah, mom, it was pretty fun,” Kyle said.

“He did a really good job teaching them, too,” Olivia said.

“You were the one who was doing most of the teaching,” Kyle said. “I was just demonstrating what she wanted them to do.”

“He always sells himself short,” Olivia said. “The girls loved him.”

Kyle’s mom told the two she and Olivia’s mom were concerned they had too much on their plate.

They danced five days a week. They had ballet on Tuesdays and Thursdays at school with Ms. Arceneaux. They had ballet classes at Madame Kathryn’s on Mondays and Wednesdays, with jazz on Thursday night. Participating in Youth Company at Concordia College would now be taking up their Saturdays, along with teaching at the community center.

“We still have Fridays and Sundays off,” Olivia replied. “Tuesdays aren’t bad since our ballet class is at school. Besides, I’m giving up cheerleading after basketball season.”

“Besides mom, it’s fun,” Kyle said.

“Well, I just don’t want you to get burned out,” his mother said.

“Olivia, Kyle, you’ve got a phone call,” Olivia’s mother yelled from the living room. “It’s Claire. She sounds upset.”
Olivia grabbed the phone.

“Oh my gosh!” Olivia said. “That’s terrible.”

“What’s going on?” Kyle asked.

“Claire’s dad’s been wounded in Iraq,” Olivia said, trying to listen to her sobbing friend.

Claire’s father was riding in a Humvee when it ran over a roadside bomb, Olivia explained. He was taken by helicopter to an army hospital in Baghdad.

“Is he going to be alright?” Kyle asked.

“Claire doesn’t know yet,” Olivia said. “She says he may be paralyzed.”

“You think we need to go over there?” Kyle asked.

“Well, if her mother says it’s okay, I’ll take you both over there,” Olivia’s mother said.

“Claire says it’s okay,” Olivia said.

Kyle wondered when the hard times were going to stop. Olivia’s dad died of cancer. His dad was in jail after abusing him and his mom and setting fire to the house. Claire had always worried about her dad. It seemed her fears were realized.

They both gave their friend a hug when they walked into her house. They walked upstairs to her bedroom.

“Mom says I have to be strong,” Claire said. “But it’s really hard. Mom said he may have to be transported to Germany.”

“Will they let him come home?” Kyle asked.

“I don’t know,” Claire said. “Mom said it could be a long time before he comes home … if he lives.”

“What do you say that we pray for him?” Olivia said.

The three of them held hands as they sat on Claire’s bed and prayed for her father’s safe return.

Kyle wondered what would happen to Claire’s family if her dad died, or couldn’t walk when he returned. He was really active around their house.

He supported Claire dreams of being a dancer and an artist.

He was also supporting of Kyle becoming a dancer. It was something to have the support of his mother and friends like Olivia, Claire, Beth and Emilee. Having the support of another guy, especially a hero like Claire’s father meant a lot to him.

They did their best to encourage Claire. They talked about the one thing they had in common … ballet.

“It’s always been my refuge,” Claire said. “I forget about all of my troubles when I dance. Dad always enjoyed watching me dance. All of the other girls had to drag their fathers to come to their recitals. Not my dad. He was always their videotaping us. Olivia’s dad was like that too.”

“Maybe he’ll still be able to do that,” Kyle said.

“I really hope so,” Claire said, squeezing his hand.

“Claire’s dad once danced in one of our performances,” Olivia said.

“You’re kidding? I didn’t know he danced,” Kyle said.

“Well, he’s not a dancer,” Claire said. “Madame Kathryn thought it would be fun to have some of the parents in the show.”

“None of the other dads wanted to do it until Claire’s father volunteered,” Olivia said.

“That’s not entirely true,” Claire said. “Olivia’s dad volunteered, too.”

“What kind of dance did they do?” Kyle said.

“Oh it was funny!” Claire said. “They did a tap dancing routine with us. We were in second grade.”

“That’s really cool,” Kyle said. “My dad would have never done anything like that, not even for my sisters.”

“What is your dad like?” Olivia asked, not meaning to pry.

“Before he started drinking, he was okay,” Kyle said. “After that, he became pretty violent. He was never around and worked all the time. He blamed mom for me being ‘a sissy’ who couldn’t do sports.”

“Boy did he get you all wrong,” Olivia said.

“You are no sissy,” Claire said. “Anyone who has ever seen you do jumps and leaps would know you’re pretty athletic. My dad always said you are the bravest guy he knows.”

“Thanks, I appreciate that,” Kyle said. “But I can’t do anything like Nick, Eric or Aaron.”

“One of these days, you’ll be able to,” Claire said. “I can’t wait until our end of the year performance and the stuff we’ll do with Youth Company. Then people will realize how athletic you are.”

“I don’t know about that,” Kyle said. “But I’m praying that your dad will be back and okay enough when we have our end of the year performances.”

Claire gave Kyle a hug. That would mean a lot to her if her father could see her perform again.

Chapter 10
Kyle sat in Ms. Arceneaux’s office trying to find the right words to say.

“I know you’re not here to discuss your English grade,” she said. “So what’s on your mind?”

“Well,” Kyle stammered. “You know our show at the end of the year? I was wondering if …”

“Come on,” Ms. Arceneaux laughed.

“I was wondering if I could do a pas de deux with Claire,” Kyle said, not believing he made such a request.

“So you don’t want to dance with Olivia?” his teacher asked.

“That’s not it,” Kyle said. “I love dancing with Olivia.”

“Uh huh,” Ms. Arceneaux said. “So you want me to add something with you and Claire?”

This seemed an odd turn of events to her. Kyle was really reluctant about performing in front of the whole school, especially after he learned his costume was going to be a tunic and white tights to match Olivia’s tutu.

“So what is the reason you want to do this?” Ms. Arceneaux said.

“Claire’s dad’s been wounded in Iraq,” Kyle said. “I told her I would pray that he’d be back to see her perform. I know it would mean a lot to her. I thought it would be cool if she could do something special for him. Is there something we could do really simple, like the simple thing Olivia and I are doing?”

She had always been impressed with her pupil, both in English class and ballet. He had always seemed very kind hearted. But even this surprised her.

“I’ll get with Kathryn to see what we could come up with,” she told him. “We might be able to make a change to what we have planned. Even with something simple, it’s going to be a lot more work for you and Claire. You both have busy schedules as it is.”

“I understand,” he said. “Thanks, Ms. Arceneaux.”

She noticed he was doing pique turns as he was going down the hall, heading to his next class.

“That’s very good Kyle,” she laughed. “But try to do a better job at spotting, so you don’t run into anybody.”

That also caught her by surprise. Last semester, he was doing what he could to keep people from knowing he was taking ballet.

“What did she think?” Olivia asked when she ran into Kyle on the way to class.

“She said she had to talk to Claire about it,” Kyle said. “She said she could get with Madame Kathryn and come up with something we could do.”

“I think it’s very sweet for you to suggest that,” Olivia said.

“She’s a good friend,” Kyle said. “I just want to do something to get her mind off her dad.”

Claire’s father’s condition had improved. He was still in serious condition. He was still paralyzed. He was being moved from Iraq to Germany. She still wasn’t sure when he would be coming home.

She had a hard time focusing on her classes, but looked forward to Ms. Arceneaux’s ballet class at the end of the day.

She stopped Kyle before he entered the classroom.

“Madame Marie told me about your idea!” she said before giving him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Kyle blushed.

“It really isn’t a big deal,” he said, trying to be a little modest. “So, do you want to do it?”

“It will be awesome!” Claire said. “She wants me to help come up with an idea of what we’re going to do. She also wants me to help come up with our costumes.”

“You’re in trouble,” Olivia giggled.

“Don’t worry,” Claire said. “I’ll go easier on you than Olivia.”

“What do you mean?” Kyle asked.

“Oh, she was the one who came up with the idea for the costumes for your pas de deux with her,” Claire said.

Olivia nodded.

“Well, our moms really made the suggestion,” Olivia said. “I just went with it.”

“Ladies and gentleman, too much chatter, it’s time for class,” Ms. Arceneaux said.

The class was a challenging one. Ms. Arceneaux mixed things up at the barre. They didn’t work as much en croix. They did double and triple frappes along with the tendue, degage’, developpe’ and ron de jambre combinations.

She challenged Kyle to get more elevation on his jumps when they went to the center. She complimented Beth and Emilee on their turns. Claire and Olivia were graceful as ever.

“You all worked hard today,” Ms. Arceneaux said at the conclusion of class. “Claire, Olivia and Kyle, I need to see you for a moment.”

She set up a time for them to work on their pas de deuxs.

“Madame Kathryn told me we can use one of her studios at 6 on Tuesdays,” Ms. Arceneaux said. “I’ll try not to work you too long because I know you have homework and need a break. But come prepared to work hard.”

“We will,” all three said, almost in unison.

“I hope this will help Claire get her mind off her dad,” Ms. Arceneaux told Olivia and Kyle.

“I’m sure it will,” Olivia said.

Chapter 11

“So what do you think?” Olivia asked Kyle as looked at the empty room.

“It’s really big,” he said. “I’m sure it will do. It’s a lot bigger than what I’ve got now.”

“So you have a problem staying in my dad’s old study?” Olivia said sarcastically.

Kyle laughed.

“Well, you know what I mean,” he said.

He hated to admit it, but the past few months staying at Olivia’s house had been great. It was a little cramped, but somehow their two families had actually seemed to forge into one.

He thought of Olivia as an older sister. It was a relationship that he was going to miss, even though they would see each other a lot in dance. They were partners. They trusted each other.

“Kyle, it’s almost time to go,” his mother shouted downstairs, her voice bouncing off the walls in the empty house.

No decision had been made on the house. There were a few more his mother wanted to see. It would also take some time to get approval from the mortgage company.

So moving out of Olivia’s house wasn’t something that was going to happen in the next few days.

“So how do you feel about it mom?” he asked as they drove back to their temporary home.

“Abby’s been great letting us stay at their house,” she said. “But wouldn’t you like for us to have a place of our own.”

Kyle nodded his head in agreement.

Deep down, his mother had her doubts. Her attorney told her that ex-husband could be getting out of jail soon.

The only person she told was Olivia’s mother, who insisted she didn’t have to rush into a decision to move out if she felt he would threaten her family again.

It was something she dared not tell Kyle. She felt her son had enough on his mind.

“How did the house hunting go?” Olivia’s mother asked when they returned home.

“They looked at a really big house,” Olivia said. “It was really nice.”

“It was nice, but it needs some repairs,” Kyle’s mom said. “But it was the nicest we’ve seen so far.”

“I know you’ll find one you really like,” Olivia’s mother said. “Oh yeah, Judith, Bob Walker called.”

Bob Walker was her attorney. Kyle’s mother’s heart skipped a beat. She hoped it wasn’t bad news.

She and Olivia’s mother went into the kitchen, where she called her attorney.

“They’re acting really secretive, what do you think is going on?” Kyle asked.

Olivia shrugged her shoulders.

“You know we’ve got to get ready for class,” she said, trying to take his mind off of what was going on. “Madame Marie and Claire will be waiting on us.”

Kyle had almost forgotten about class. They were going to work on their pas de deuxs for the school performance.

“Uh, huh, thanks Bob,” Kyle’s mother said while she talked with her attorney on the phone. “I know you did your best. We’ll get the restraining order, but hopefully he’ll behave himself.”

Kyle’s father was indeed getting out of jail.

“Are you going to tell Kyle and the girls?” Olivia’s mother asked.

“I need to tell Kyle, probably the girls too,” Kyle’s mother said. “But I’m going to wait until after their class tonight. I know he is excited about working on the pas de deauxs for the school performance. No need to worry him now.”

Kyle and Olivia both packed their dance bags and hopped in the car. Olivia’s mother once again played the chauffer.

“You two are really excited about this,” she said.

“Oh mom, it’s going to be fun. It’s going to be beautiful,” Olivia said.

“We can’t wait for you guys to see it,” Kyle said.

Olivia was right. Ms. Arceneaux and Claire were both waiting when they arrived at the studio.

“Sorry, we’re late,” Kyle said. “We were looking at houses.”

“That’s not a problem,” Ms. Arceneaux said. “Go ahead and change. Then stretch. We’ve got to get started.”

It turned out to be a lot of work. Ms. Arceneaux was picky with just about everything.

Kyle, Olivia and Claire didn’t mind. This was a performance that was to be before the whole school and in front of their families.

Even though both pas de deauxs they were working on were simple ones because of Kyle’s experience, they wanted them to be perfect. Solo parts were going to be included, which made Kyle a little nervous.
He wasn’t used to being the center of attention.

Even though Madame Marie worked them hard, it turned out to be a lot of fun. They were becoming the three musketeers. They enjoyed each other’s company.

But Kyle and Olivia both sensed something was bothering Claire.
“Heard any more about your dad?” Kyle asked.

“They transferred him to Germany,” Claire said, trying to be calm.
It didn’t work. The tears began to flow.

“They’re saying he may never walk again,” Claire said. “He has use of his arms now. But he’s having to use a wheelchair.”

“So how long is he going to be in Germany?” Olivia asked.

“I’m not sure,” Claire said. “He’s got to undergo a couple of surgeries. Mom’s going to fly over to be with him. My grandmother’s coming over to watch us. They’re saying he could be there a few weeks, then he may end up going to Walter Reed before coming home.”

Kyle and Olivia wished they could come up with the right words to say. They couldn’t. They both just gave her a hug.

“Mom says we’re going to be in for a big adjustment,” Claire said. “It’s going to be hard. He is the rock of our family.”

Chapter 12

“Okay, you two keep still,” Claire said as she concentrated on her work.

“I think I’m beginning to get a cramp,” Olivia said as she and Kyle tried to keep their pas de deaux pose long enough for Claire to capture it on canvas.

“I’m beginning to regret that we got her the paint set for Christmas,” Kyle whispered.

“You guys need to hold that pose for only a couple of minutes longer,” Claire said.

They were in the middle of the living room at Olivia’s house. Claire set up the backdrop for her friends. Their sisters were all on their knees with flowers.

Claire the artist was busy at work, that is until there was a knock at the door.

“It’s your moms holding groceries,” Claire said.

“For the first time in my life, I think I’m looking forward to helping with the groceries,” Olivia said as she and Kyle broke away from their pose.

“Oh, my back is killing me,” Kyle said as they went out the door to bring in the groceries.

“Oh how cute!” Olivia’s mom said, making note of Olivia and Kyle in their dance clothes outside as they picked up bags of groceries from the car.

“No, comment,” Kyle said, expecting his mother to do a little teasing.

“I wasn’t going to say anything, just curious,” Judith Thornton said to her son.

One trip into the living room said it all. They saw the portrait Claire was working on, the backdrop and the paint.
“You know, this is quite good!” Olivia’s mother said, admiring Claire’s work.

“I’m entering it into the school art show,” Claire said. “I’m thinking about calling it ‘Dancers Within’.”

“I would say that is a very nice title,” Kyle’s mother said.

“Claire, have you heard from your mother since she flew to Germany to be with your dad?” Olivia’s mother asked.

“She called us last night,” Claire said. “She said the flight was a bit rough. She also said she was very tired.”

“That’s quite understandable, given the length of the flight,” Kyle’s mother said. “Did she say how your dad is doing?”

“She said he was doing okay, that he was in good spirits,” Claire said. “He’s going to have surgery tomorrow.”

“We’ll keep him in our prayers,” Olivia’s mother said.

“Once we put the groceries away, Kyle could I talk to you for a few minutes,” his mother said.

Olivia looked at Claire, then at her mother.

Kyle knew it had to be something bad, probably about his father.
“Sure, mom,” he said.

They sat down for their heart to heart talk in his bedroom.

“How would you feel if we hold off on getting a house for a little while longer?” Judith Thornton asked her son.

“I dunno? I thought you were really excited about us getting a new place, mom,” Kyle said. “Is this something about dad?”

“Well, you know, he’s been out of jail for a couple of weeks,” she said. “I just don’t feel comfortable right now until I know he won’t try to do something.”

“How does Olivia’s mom feel about us staying longer?” Kyle asked.

“Abby said we could stay as long as we need to,” his mother said. “She was the one who mentioned not rushing into anything right now. She and Olivia are concerned something might happen, too.”

“Whatever you decided to do, mom, that’s okay with me,” he said.
She gave him a hug.

Even before his dad went off the deep end, his mother had been the one who kept the family together.

“So how do you feel about your dad being out?” his mother asked.

“Part of me wishes he were still locked up after what he did to you,” he said.

“And don’t forget what he did to you,” his mother said.

“But you know, before he started drinking, he really wasn’t a bad dad,” Kyle said.

“He wasn’t a bad husband, either,” his mother said.

“Do you think he’ll ever change back to the way he was?” Kyle asked.

“It’s possible,” she said. “If he gets help. It’s my prayer that he’ll be a good dad to you and the girls again. But we’ll see. But you be careful, don’t try to contact him unless you know it is safe.”

“I won’t,” Kyle said.

Somehow, his mother wasn’t reassured. Kyle always put up a brave front. He was always trying to make things right.

They both tried to dry up the tears before they returned to the living room.

“Is something wrong?” Olivia asked.

“Oh, no, everything is okay,” Kyle said. “It looks like we’re going to be staying with you guys a little bit longer.”

She put her arm around her unofficial brother.

“I’m glad you guys are going to be staying a little longer with us,” Olivia said. “Mi casa, su casa.”

“Claire, do you want to stay for dinner?” Olivia’s mother asked. “We’re having spaghetti.”

“I’ll have to check with my grandmother,” Claire said. “But I think it will be okay.”

* * * *

A dinner with the whole family — or families as the case was — was a rare thing. Almost every child in the household seemed to have a dance class on any given night. That was counting the rehearsals.

Olivia thought it was a pretty neat thing when they all could finally gather around what her mother called her “holiday” table. It seemed like a holiday, too, with all eight seated around the table sharing a meal.

Being “the man” of the house, Kyle was always called on to say grace.

“Always short and to the point,” Olivia whispered to Claire.

It was there that they found out how each other’s day went at work or at school. Their mothers worked together, so there was always a story about a co-worker who did something funny, or someone in need, someone less fortunate than they were.

Kyle admitted the teasing about him taking ballet seemed to calm down at school, although he was still apprehensive about performing in front of his classmates.

“We’re going to be performing, too,” Claire said.

“That’s different,” Kyle said.

“What, because girls dance and guys aren’t supposed to?” Olivia said. “Most everybody knows you’re proving that’s not true. When they see how good you are, they’ll really know that guys dance.”

“It might even encourage other guys to try,” Claire said.

Just then a horn sounded outside the house.

Kyle saw the look the look of horror on his mother’s face.
“Dad!” he said.

She rushed to the door. Sure enough it was him, standing in the front yard.

He begged her to “come home.”

“What home, you burned it down, or don’t you remember?” she said to him.

She smelled alcohol on his breath.

He continued to beg her to take him back, that he loved the children. But then he began to threaten her. Kyle looked out the window and saw his father push his mother.

Olivia tried to grab her friend, but it was too late.

He was out the door.

“Leave her alone!” Kyle shouted.

“You go back in the house, you sissy!” his father said.

“Leave mom alone, leave us alone,” Kyle said, stepping between his parents.

“I told you to go back in the house, you ballerina!” his father shouted. “This is between your mother and me!”

Just then, Olivia’s mother came out of the house.

“I’ve called the police,” she said. “Leave them alone. Get off my lawn!”

“Look what you started!” Kyle’s father told his mother.

He took a swing at her, but Kyle jumped in front of his mother just in time for the fist to hit him in the nose.
He didn’t notice the blood gushing. He lunged at his father, knocking him to the ground.

He stood over his father just as the police pulled up.

“Why do you have to be this way!” he said in tears.

His mom, Olivia’s mom, then Olivia and Claire all had to hold him down.
Tears flowed as the police cuffed his father.

Everyone else went into the house, but Kyle watched as they drove down the road.

Olivia and Claire joined him on the front lawn. Olivia put her arm around him, while Claire wiped the blood from his face.

Chapter 13

Sacrifices.

Claire and Olivia made one when they gave up cheerleading to concentrate on ballet.

Olivia’s family made some when Kyle’s family moved in.

Claire’s family knew all about them as a family of a soldier, especially one whose future seemed very much in doubt.

Kyle thought about those sacrifices as he passed the football around with Justin. He promised his friend he would help him get ready to join the team.

Kyle didn’t care too much for basketball, or even baseball.

But football was a sport he liked. He didn’t have a passion for it, like dance. But he enjoyed playing it.

Very few people knew that Kyle was a pretty good football player when he played Pop Warner.

He earned the reputation of being a geek because of his friendship with Justin and Alex. He enjoyed playing computer games with them.

The fact that he took ballet also clouded the issue.

Very few people outside of the dance world really understood the athleticism involved in ballet — at least that was how Olivia explained it.

No one understood what kind of athlete he was — as Olivia put it — a person who thought and lived outside the box.

It was a sacrifice that Kyle wasn’t going out for football, but one he felt was worth it.

He seemed perplexed as to why Justin wanted to play football. Justin never showed any interest in playing sports for most of the time they’d been friends.

But Justin found himself connecting with his father — a self-described football fanatic.

Through their time together, he began to “acquire a taste for it.”

Justin also understood that the football team didn’t have a cut rule. Anyone who tried out made the team. This was his way of shedding his “I’m a geek” image.

Kyle respected his efforts.

Justin sought his help because he knew Kyle understood the game. He was also aware his friend was quite an athlete.

Beth and Emilee watched from the bleachers as Kyle explained the rules of the game to Justin. He showed him how to get into a three-point stance, how to “fire off the ball.”

He tried to show him how to throw and catch a football, which was not necessarily an easy thing to do.

Justin’s throws were often off the mark, forcing Kyle to show the leaping ability he showed in dance just to catch the ball.

He found out Beth and Emilee were not the only ones watching. So was Coach Tucker, the school’s new football coach.

“Hey Thornton, come here,” Coach Tucker yelled at him.

Kyle was curious why the coach was calling him. He hoped it was okay they were practicing on the field.

“Saw you working there with Justin,” Coach Tucker said. “We sure could use you during spring training.”
Kyle didn’t quite know what to say.

“Coach, I wished I could, but I’ve got too many things going on right now,” Kyle said.

“I understand,” Coach Tucker said. “I know you have a pretty good commitment to dance.”

Kyle was shocked. It wasn’t a putdown like he received from other coaches at the school.

“Yeah, I do,” Kyle said.

“You’re pretty good,” Coach Tucker said. “I saw you in the Nutcracker.”

“You went to the Nutcracker?” Kyle asked.

“My daughter was a mouse and a daisy,” Coach Tucker said with a laugh. “She thinks you’re the coolest person on earth because you do it. I’ve also talked to Marie; she says you’re really talented. But in case you ever change your mind…you’re welcome on the team.”

“Thanks coach, I appreciate that,” Kyle said.

“And keep working with Justin,” Coach Tucker said. “He needs to be ready when we put on the pads next week.”

“Yes coach, I will,” Kyle said.

Beth and Emilee were curious as to what Kyle and Coach Tucker were talking about.

They were amazed when they found out.

“You know he seems pretty cool,” Kyle said.

“You see Kyle, not everybody thinks ballet is sissy,” Beth said.

“Kyle, Beth, Emilee, hurry up and get your stuff,” rang a voice from atop the bleachers. “We’ve got to go!” It was Olivia.

“Well bro., we’ve got to go,” Kyle said to Justin. “We’ve got to go to dance class.”

“See you tomorrow after school?” Justin asked.

“Most definitely,” Kyle said.

He didn’t want to tell the girls, but it was pretty cool just to be “one of the guys” every once in a while.

“So how did football practice go?” Olivia asked when Kyle crawled into Olivia’s mother’s van.

“Pretty good,” Kyle said. “I think Justin will do okay.”

“I just can’t believe he’s going to play football,” Claire said. “It’s so un-him!”

“He seems to like it,” Kyle said. “He thinks it’s making him closer to his dad.”

Olivia couldn’t help but think about Kyle’s relationship with his father. It made her wonder if him helping Justin had something to do with that.

Kyle said a prayer for his own dad during Sunday school. He knew he was hurting.

“Speaking of dads, I hear you’ve got some good news Claire,” Olivia’s mother said.

“Yeah, he’s progressing,” Claire said. “Mom says they are thinking about flying him back to the States.”

“That would be cool,” Kyle said. “Then you’d get to see him.”

* * * * *

Letting the music flow

That’s how Kyle approached ballet class that night.

It was his escape from the world. He just let things flow.

Madame Kathryn knew it as well.

“Very good Kyle, you’re doing a very good job keeping up with the music,” she said.

It was almost hard to believe that a few months before, he labored to keep up when they were at the barre. He had to watch the more experienced dancers to know what to do.

That wasn’t the case anymore.

Plies, tendues, frappes, grande battements, petite battements, ron de jambres, those were no longer strangers.

His favorite part of class was center work. He enjoyed adagio. He loved the combinations.

That night they did one with jetes, assemblees, pas de bourees and sissones.

He was having fun. He wasn’t the only one.

The news that her dad was getting better seemed to bring out the dancer in Claire. Like Kyle, she really seemed to be in a zone.

“Very good, ladies and gentleman,” Madame Kathryn said after reverence. “I don’t know what’s gotten into some of you. But I want you to keep it up!”

She also pointed out their rehearsal times were growing short for both the school show and their end of the year recital.

“We need the same effort from here on out,” she said.

This is the final part. Thanks for indulging me. Thanks Patricia Allen for proofing. And hopefully it starts on the right chapter!

Chapter 14

There were times when Kyle wished for a little normalcy.

But he had forgotten really what normal was. It seemed like everything was moving way to fast.

His mother filed for divorce from his father. He had no objections.

He still hoped his father would change, but he knew his parents would never get back together.

“I still care for him because he is your father,” his mother told him. “I hope one day he’ll be the kind of father you and your sisters will be proud of. But I don’t love him anymore, at least not the way I used to.”

He was actually proud she was trying to put her life back together. She and Olivia’s mother both started dating again, Olivia’s mother for the first time since her father died.

“There was a time I’d have a problem with mom dating,” Olivia told Kyle. “I didn’t want her to forget dad. But really, it’s time she got on with her life and had some fun.”

Their mothers double dated a lot. Olivia liked the idea that Kyle’s mom was dating her uncle.

“You know, if they got married, then we really would be family,” Olivia said.

Kyle and Olivia were also a little perplexed. Kyle’s mom stopped house hunting, even with his dad back in jail.

Instead, she and Olivia’s mother talked about adding on to the house. They talked about converting the garage into a bedroom and building a room over the patio. They even talked converting the attic into a “ballet” room, with barres and all.

“All of our children dance,” Olivia’s mother said. “We might as well make it a room they all can enjoy.”

Kyle and Olivia both like the idea.

As much as things were changing at their house, things were really changing at Claire’s.

Her father was transferred from Germany to Walter Reed Hospital. After another surgery and rehab, he finally came home.

Olivia and Kyle came over the day they built a wheelchair ramp for Claire’s father. Other parts of the house were modified.

“There’s still a chance he may walk again,” Claire said in tears as she locked arms with her friends.

It was hard on her. Her father was a “jack-of-all-trades.” If there was anything in the house that needed repairing, he would fix it. It was the same with the cars his family owned.

He also loved the outdoors.

He did his best to keep upbeat, but Claire noticed his depression.

“I feel helpless,” he told his daughter.

He took joy in his children.

He watched from his wheelchair at the fence while Claire’s brother Ben played baseball.

Kyle was amazed how supportive he was when Ben announced he wanted to take ballet and ended up in class the final few weeks at Madame Kathryn’s with Kyle’s and Olivia’s sisters.

“I may be a soldier, like to hunt and fish,” Claire’s father said with a laugh. “I’m not Cro-Magnon Man. He sees you doing it and wants to try. I try to support my kids in everything they want to try.”

Claire devoted herself to both her art and dance. Her “Dancers Within” painting won first prize in the school’s art contest.

Her father was the guest of honor at the school when she received her blue ribbon.

The painting took its place in the living room.

“She really captured you two,” he told Olivia and Kyle. “She saw your passion.”

“It’s also her passion,” Kyle said.

“I know,” her father said. “And Kyle, I appreciate you suggesting the pas de deux you two are doing at the school performance and the recital. I know how much it means to her.”

Kyle also knew it meant a lot to him. He admired Claire’s father. Her father was everything his father wasn’t: a war hero and a very supportive father for his children regardless of what they chose to pursue or what other people thought.

“How is your father doing?” Claire’s father asked Kyle.

“I really don’t know a whole lot,” Kyle said. “Mom’s gotten a restraining order. I’m not allowed to see him in jail.”

“That’s understandable,” Claire’s father said. “I would be the same way, if I were her.”

“He’s supposed to go to rehab after he gets out,” Kyle said.

“Hopefully, that will be good for him,” Claire’s father said. “Kyle, would you mind if I go visit him?”

“I don’t mind,” Kyle said. “Don’t know if it will do any good.”

“You never know, it might,” Claire’s father said. “Never cease to pray for him.”

“I won’t,” Kyle said. “I pray for him just like I pray for you.”

“Then there is hope for him,” Claire’s father said. “I’ve felt your prayers, the prayers of my family and friends. Felt them the entire time I was in Iraq. It helped get me back home alive.”

“Sir…if you don’t mind…,” Kyle said.

“What is it, Kyle?” Claire’s father said.

“I’m still praying that you’ll be able to walk again,” Kyle said.

“I appreciate that,” he said. “I still haven’t given up hope of walking again. You shouldn’t give up hope that your father will change.”

Chapter 15

“Hand me that piece of tape,” Olivia told Kyle as they worked on the bulletin board at school.

“Why do we have to make signs about our performance?” Kyle asked. “I mean, it’s going to be a school assembly. Everybody has to come.”

“I can’t believe you’re treating this like an ordinary school assembly,” Olivia said. “It’s a pretty big deal.”

Kyle knew she wasn’t kidding. School board members were coming to the performance, as were members of the community arts guild.

Ms. Arceneaux was hoping to turn her exploratory class into a full-fledged P.E. class next year. She also wanted the school board to consider adding dance to the curriculum at the high school.

“Wow, those are very nice drawings on those posters,” Coach Tucker said as he inspected Olivia’s and Kyle’s work.

“Claire drew the pictures,” Kyle said.

“I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised,” Coach Tucker said. “Especially after seeing her work at the art competition. So I take it from this that Ms. Arceneaux is really going all out.”

“Yes, Madame Marie really is,” Olivia said.

“Well, more power to her,” Coach Tucker said. “My daughter really wants to take the class next year.”

“So she’ll be in sixth grade next year?” Olivia asked. “She was really cute in the Nutcracker.”

“Oh yes, and she’s very excited,” Coach Tucker said.

“Well, she’ll have very good leaders in the class in Kyle, Beth and Em,” Olivia said.

“How do you know I’ll be in the class next year?” Kyle said, just trying to see what kind of reaction he would get from Olivia.

“Oh stop it!” Olivia said. “You know you’ll be in there. You can’t stay away. I’m really envious. There won’t be a class like that at the high school.”

“Well, I will miss you guys,” Kyle said.

“It’s not like you won’t be seeing us anymore,” Olivia said with a laugh. “Last I checked, we still live in the same house, take the same classes at Madame Kathryn’s and are in junior company at Concordia. Or have you forgotten.”

“Well, you know what I mean,” Kyle said.

“Hey look, it’s the ballerinas!” a voice shouted down the hall.

“Oh…Paul,” Kyle said.

“And his little pal, Chuckie,” Olivia said.

“Gentlemen, aren’t you supposed to be in class?” Coach Tucker said.

The two boys didn’t see their coach when they came around the corner.

“Uh…yes sir,” Chuck replied.

“Well, just so you know, if you two were half the athlete Kyle is, you’d be starting,” Coach Tucker said. “Remember that, the next time you decide to make fun of him. Now get to class.”

“Coach, you didn’t have to do that,” Kyle said. “I’m sort of used to that by now.”

“I know,” Coach Tucker said. “You’re a brave soul Kyle. I still wished you could fit it into your busy schedule to come out for football in the fall…. You two have fun. I’ve got to go keep some more boys in line.”

* * * * *

“Michael Thornton, you have company,” the county jailer said as he unlocked Kyle’s father’s cell.

Kyle’s father walked into the visitors’ room, not knowing who to expect. The only person who came to see him was his attorney.

He was surprised to see Steve Thompson, Claire’s father, sitting on the other side of the glass.

“Steve Thompson, haven’t seen you in ages,” Michael Thornton said. “Sorry to hear about what happened to you in Iraq.”

“Well, it’s something you have to prepare for when you go,” Steve Thompson said.

“I’m glad to see you, but don’t know why you’ve come,” Michael Thornton said. He was actually glad to have any kind of company.

“I promised Kyle I’d come by to check on you,” Steve Thompson said.

At first, Kyle’s dad was quiet.

“So why did the little pansy ask you to come see me?” Michael Thornton.

“You know, I didn’t have to come,” Steve Thompson said. “I could leave right now. I’m not going to tolerate you putting your son down.”

“Okay, okay,” Michael Thornton said.

“Besides, the last I checked, that kid you call a pansy decked you pretty good during that little show you put on in front of Abby White’s house,” Steve Thompson said.

“Well, you would feel the same way if your son took ballet,” Michael Thornton said. “Judith really turned him into a sissy.”

Claire’s father was really stunned.

“Do you really know your son?” Steve Thompson said. “I think Judith has done a very good job with him. He is more of a man than you are, to be honest. He’s a brave kid. He is very loyal to his friends and looks out after his mother. If my son turns out to be just like him… then I would be a very proud father. As a matter of fact, my son just started dancing, and part of the reason was because of Kyle.”

What he said really stunned Kyle’s father.

He began to tear up.

“I’ve really screwed up my life, Steve,” Michael Thornton said. “With Judith, with Kyle. With Caitlyn and Katey.”

“Yes, you have, Mike,” Steve Thompson said. “It’s too late for you and Judith. But you can change. You can still be a good father to Kyle and the girls. But you’ve got to want to change. You’ve got to want to get help. It’s not going to be very easy. But you’ve got to want to do it.”

* * * * *

“Ouch!” Kyle said.

“I told you not to move,” his mother said.

Kyle, Olivia and Claire were standing in the middle of Claire’s living room in their school performance and recital costumes.

Their mothers were at working hard to make sure everything looked perfect. The performance was only a week away. The recital was two weeks away.

Claire’s father sat in his wheelchair watching the women at work. He was really amused.

“We’re three former dancers,” his wife said. “We take our work very seriously.”

“So Kyle, you’re really looking forward to this?” Steve Thompson said.

“Well everything, except one thing,” Kyle replied.

“The makeup” Claire and Olivia both shouted at the same time.

No one saw that he had makeup during Nutcracker. They were too far away. No one was allowed on stage.

That would not be the case at school. But still, it was worth it. Kyle had to admit, he really looked forward to performing, even if it were in front of a lot of people he knew at school.

“Hopefully, they’ll look past that,” Steve Thompson said.

“If you’re going to be a dancer, you’ve got to get used to the makeup,” Olivia said. “You’ve got to get used to the silly clothes.”

“Speaking of silly clothes, Bennie, what’s happened to you?” Steve Thompson said as his son and Kyle and Olivia’s sisters came into the living room.

They had their recital costumes on.

“I’m supposed to be a tree,” Ben said, wearing a long brown tunic over green tights, a green turtle neck and wearing a headpiece with branches and leaves.

“Welcome to ballet my friend,” Kyle said with a laugh and giving him a high five.

“You’re going to be a very cute tree, little bro!” Claire said.

“Bennie, girls step up, it’s your turn,” Gayle Thompson.

“Thank goodness, we’re done!” Claire said as she Olivia and Kyle went to change clothes.

It was hard for them to believe all of their hard work was almost over.

Chapter 16

It was an amazing transformation.

Backstage at the school auditorium was transformed.

There was a makeup area, a costume area and a changing area. Bed sheets partitioned the changing area where Kyle would dress and the girls would dress. There would be at least three costume changes.

Ordinary parents suddenly became stage parents. Claire’s mom and Olivia’s mom directed everything. They were the veterans of countless recitals and helped behind the scenes at the Nutcracker for several years.

Claire’s mother was the makeup artist. She did her best to apply her craft on Kyle’s face after Ms. Arceneaux led her 14 dancers through warm-ups on stage.

“Oh my gosh! There are so many people out there,” Beth said after she peeked through the curtains.

“Calm down, you won’t even know they are there,” Kyle said, trying to reassure his friend.

He understood the butterflies. He went through the same thing in December with the Nutcracker. But after going through six performances of the Nutcracker, he felt like an old pro.

“Don’t you look nice,” Olivia said with a laugh. “You should wear makeup all the time.”

It was her turn to take get “all dolled up.”

Kyle played along singing “I feel pretty, I feel pretty.”

That brought laughter from Beth and Emilee. It helped to calm her nerves.

“Oh wow! You look incredible,” Kyle said as Claire emerged from the girls’ changing area.

While Kyle hated the makeup part and to a degree the costume part, he liked the transformation the girls went through. To him, they looked incredibly gorgeous. To him, that was one advantage to being the only boy in a ballet class in middle school.

“You better hurry and get dressed, there is not much time,” Ms. Arceneaux said.

She was like a mother hen making sure her chicks were ready for their big debut.

One year of class and several weeks of rehearsal came down to this.

Kyle felt the butterflies again when the middle school concert band began to play. They were to be the “orchestra” for the performance. It was Ms. Arceneaux’s idea to get more students involved.

She gave them the music to practice in January. Her dancers performed for the first time with the “orchestra” during dress rehearsal.

It wasn’t the community orchestra that played during the Nutcracker, Kyle thought. There were a few clunkers here and there, but overall, they did a good a job. The kids in the orchestra seemed to be just as excited to play as the dancers were to perform.

Suddenly, the curtain rose.

“It’s showtime,” Claire whispered to Olivia.

Ms. Arceneaux kept things pretty simple. The steps in the dances were ones they had gone over in class it seemed like a hundred times.

All 14 students were in the first dance, doing steps very much in sync and in time with the music. Ms. Arceneaux beamed as each of her students performed the combinations in the dance very well, which brought applause from the audience.

Olivia, Kyle and Claire went to change as Beth, Emilee and three other girls performed another dance.

“I saw your dad out there in the audience,” Olivia said. “He seemed like he was enjoying himself.”

That brought a small smile from Claire.

“Good luck,” she whispered back as Olivia took the stage for a solo that led up to her pas de deux with Kyle.

To no one’s surprise, Olivia wowed the crowd. She was the best dancer in class and Ms. Arceneaux gave her the most difficult combination to do in her solo.

Kyle entered the stage for their pas de deux. It was a simple, beautiful combination.

“Oh my gosh, Judith, it’s so beautiful,” Olivia’s mother said to Kyle’s mom.

It brought a few bravos from the audience.

Kyle’s heart was pounding. Next came his solo. It was to be the transition from his pas de deux with Olivia to his one with Claire.

It included a couple of grand jetes. He wanted to impress the crowd with his elevation.

He was successful. He then turned a triple pirouette.

Kyle didn’t know his father stood watching in the back of the auditorium. He was released from jail earlier in the day. Claire’s father invited him to the performance.

He knew he had to stand far off because of the restraining order. Even though he was not a ballet fan, he had to admit his son was quite good. He couldn’t help but be proud when Kyle’s solo brought large applause.

“Bravo Kyle!” he heard a man shout. It was Coach Tucker.

“It’s hard to believe he has only been dancing a year,” Kyle's father heard a woman said. “Ms. Arceneaux is right. He is a very gifted young man.”

Finally, things grew quiet. Claire gingerly made her way to the center of the stage. She performed her solo with grace, Kyle thought.

Then it was time for their pas de deux. He knew he had to hold her just right. Just like with Olivia, they seemed to dance very well together. It was a simple piece, one Ms. Arceneaux called very romantic.

The pas de deux brought tears to Claire’s father’s eyes. It was the best he thought she’d ever danced.

As with the other pieces, the dance ended with applause. Suddenly, the crowd grew very quiet again. Everyone noticed that Claire’s father stood from his wheelchair to applaud his daughter.

That brought even more applause from the crowd. It was the one time Claire ever noticed the audience at the end of a dance.

“He’s standing! He’s standing,” she whispered to Kyle as they exited the stage. She then gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you so much for doing this!” she said.

“You two hurry up and get changed,” Ms. Arceneaux said. “It’s almost time for the grand finale. And good job both of you! I’m so proud.”

The grand finale included the entire class. Other than Olivia’s solo, it was the most complicated dance of the night. It was also the most fun.

Again, the crowd roared with approval. A group of fifth graders who danced at Madame Kathryn’s studio brought each of the dancers flowers during final bows.

“That was incredible,” one of the school board members told Ms. Arceneaux when the performance was over. “I’ve been talking with some of the members of the art guild. They like your ideas about adding dance to the curriculum at the high school. They want to help raise money to provide funding. You did such a great job putting this together.”

“Thank you, but the credit really goes to my dancers. They’ve worked really hard over the last several weeks.”

Olivia’s and Kyle’s mothers were waiting when Kyle and Olivia emerged from their dressing rooms.

“We are so proud of both of you,” Kyle’s mother said.

“Your pas de deux brought us to tears,” Olivia’s mother said.

“Everything we do brings you to tears,” Olivia said, halfway laughing and halfway crying.

“Claire, look,” Kyle said when Claire emerged from the girls’ dressing room.

Her mother was helping her father walk down the hall to the backstage area.

“Dad!” Claire shouted. “Look at you!”

“I’ve been working up to this,” he said. “I tried moving my legs a little during rehab. Your performance was so beautiful. I wanted to try to see if I could stand. I wanted to do it for you.”

She gave her father a hug.

“I’ve still got a long way to go before I can really walk,” he said.

“I’m going to help you every step of the way, dad,” Claire said.
A woman approached Kyle with a note.

Kyle opened it. He tried to fight back tears.

“What is it?” his mother asked.

He handed it to her.

“Kyle, I’m not a fan of ballet, but you were amazing. I’m sorry I didn’t support you. I’m sorry for what I did to your mom and you. I’m going to do my best to change. I want to be the father you and your sisters can be proud of. Don’t give up hope.

Love dad.”

The End

 

---

Image Credits: Title Picture purchased and licensed for publishing from

123rf.com (Photo 15419851). The model in this image is in no way connected with this story nor supports nor conveys the issues and situations brought up within the story. The model's use is solely used for the representation of looks of the main character of this particular story. ~Sephrena

Divider licensed free for use in publishing from Photoshopgraphics.com ~Sephrena.

---

 

 
 
Chapter 2
 

"Wake up sleepy head," Micah heard Aunt Lillian say as she tossed a pair of yellow yoga pants and a purple tank top on his bed.

"What are these for?" he asked groggily.

"They're for yoga in the backyard after we have breakfast," Aunt Lillian said. "They're Heidi's. She's about your size. Thought they might fit you."

"But it's 6:45?" Micah replied. "Don't I get to sleep in considering it's summer?"

"Not in this household you don't," Aunt Lillian said with a somewhat stern voice.

OK, Ok, he thought. But why couldn't he just wear shorts and a T-shirt, he thought.

But the clothes did feel comfortable, although the pants did feel a little baggy around the hips. And the shirt a little large.

"They're OK, I guess," Micah said as he looked at himself in the mirror, and then proceeded to go downstairs for breakfast.

"Glad you could join us," Heidi said as she handed Micah a bowl of fruit.

It contained a few orange slices, grapes and a banana. There was also a piece of bread with jam.

"What, no bacon and eggs?" Micah jokingly.

"Nope, we're vegans," Aunt Lillian said.

"And for the summer, so are you," Heidi said.

"Um, you're kidding, right?" Micah said.

"Nope," Aunt Lillian said.

"Yoga, vegans," Micah said. "What's next, dancing naked and howling at the moon? At least that's what Uncle Todd says that you do."

"Oh come on now, we're not Wiccans," Heidi said. "Where does Todd get his information?"

"Although we may go skyclad every now and then," Aunt Lillian said.

"What's skyclad?" Micah asked.

"Oh, dancing naked and howling at the moon," Heidi replied with a laugh.

"Heidi, I think we're scaring the poor boy," Aunt Lillian said.
 

 
 
Micah had to admit, yoga wasn't really all that bad.

Standing on one foot while doing something called a "prayer pose" was proving a little difficult, but other than that, he thought he held up well doing things called a "down dog," "pigeon" and "planks."

He did find doing a "bridge," a pose where he was facing backwards trying to make his body shape like a bridge with the help of Aunt Lil and Heidi, felt a little weird.

It proved to be quite a workout, and he had fun watching Heidi and Aunt Lil together. He found the way they acted around each other quite fun.

"You'll warm to us before the summer's over," Aunt Lillian said. "Now it's time to get ready to go into town to the gallery, artists await."

"You're going to be palling around with me most of the day," Heidi said. "Hope you don't mind."

"That's OK," Micah said.

First on the agenda was a trip to Heidi's dance studio. Although Micah didn't quite mind the yoga garb, he was actually a little relieved to be allowed to wear his regular shorts and T-shirt.

He was a bit surprised to learn that he wasn't just going to watch the only class Heidi had that day. He was going to be an active participant.

He walked into a studio full of preteen and teenage girls. Most wore short-shorts and bra tops.

His Uncle Todd and Aunt Marie would say they looked like little "pole dancers," which is what they say about the girls on the show "Dance Moms."

"This is Micah," Heidi said. "He's going to be dancing with us this summer."

Micah gave her a surprised look when she broke the news.

"You are really going to have to go with the flow," Heidi said. "Now join the girls on the floor."

When she said floor, Micah found out it meant almost literally. There was some rolling in the floor, some spinning in the floor, some move called buttering the bread.

There were also some regular, "cool" dance moves. He stumbled around, but then again, so did many of the girls in class.

At the end of class, Heidi announced they would be dancing to a choreographed dance at the Feminist Alliance Festival at the end of summer.

"Even Micah?" one of the girls asked.

"Yup, even Micah," Heidi said. "He's going to be going with the flow, just like the rest of us."
 

 
 
"Hope you don't mind that I included you in the dance," Heidi said. "You can really say no if you don't want to. But it's going to be a really cool dance. Picked out a song by Florence and the Machine called Seven Devils. It's going to be really primal.

"Primal?" Micah asked.

"Modern dance term, sort of like a tribal feel," Heidi said. "I think you and the girls will like the moves. Some of them we did in class. You move quite well today, by the way?"

"I did?" Micah asked. "I thought I sucked."

"For a first day, you did very well," Heidi said. "And I liked how you didn't make being a boy constrain you from doing some of the more graceful moves the girls did."

"I really didn't think about that," Micah said as they walked into a fashion store that had a lot of edgy stuff.

"Heidi, can I help you?" a girl Heidi knew named Gen said asked before the two embraced.

"This is Micah, he's staying with us for the summer," Heidi said. "Picking him out an outfit for Lil's show on Saturday. He wants to dress as Katy Perry, so I knew this was the place to come. By the way, is Tosha here?"

"Yeah, she's in the back," Gen said. "Oh my God, that's really cool. Micah we get drag queens in here for dresses, but never really a boy your age."

"Who said he's a boy?" Heidi asked as she checked out the nail polish on the counter.

Micah gave her a strange look. Gen was also puzzled.

"Last I checked, I was one?" Micah asked.

Heidi pulled out a purple lipstick tube.

"What do you think of this color?" she asked him, and seemed to be dodging his question.

"I guess it looks cool," he said.

"Pucker," she said to him.

"Pucker?" Micah asked.

"Yeah, pucker," Heidi said in reply.

Micah did just that, only to have Heidi apply the lipstick.

"I knew it, I knew that color would look good on you," she said, holding up a mirror to his face.

Micah actually agreed with her. It did look like his color.

She couldn't settle on a particular color of nail polish. She picked blue, pink, psychedelic green, red and black.

"We can experiment and find the color that suits you best," Heidi said.

Heidi also rummmaged through earrings.

"Better watch it Micah, the wheels are turning in her head," Gen said.

"I heard that," Heidi said. "And Micah doesn't want to admit that his gender isn't set yet."

"Set yet?" Micah asked.

"Well, you like to wear girls clothes?" Heidi.

"Yeah, so what?" Micah asked.

"Do you get sexually aroused when you wear them?"

"Woa, that's getting personal," Gen said.

"Ewww, no," Micah said. "That's gross."

"Gen, when have you heard a boy say 'eww, no, that's gross'," Heidi asked.

"Can't say that I have," Gen replied. "At least, not in that way."

Micah blushed. Heidi and Gen both sensed he was embarrassed.

"You shouldn't be embarrassed if you're really a girl," Heidi said. "You shouldn't be afraid to explore that possibility this summer."

"But I have the wrong body for a girl," Micah said.

"Not every girl starts off with the right plumbing," the girl named Tosha said as she emerged from the back room. "She can always change her plumbing."

Micah suddenly hoped the subject would change. And fortunately for him it did.

Heidi had picked out a sequined blue dress and a blue wig for Micah for the show.

She also picked out a pair of Tinkerbell earrings and showed them to Tosha.

"I think that would look cool," Tosha replied.

"That's settled," Heidi said. "Tosha lets take him back."

"Take me back where?" Micah asked.

"To get your ears pierced," Tosha said.
 

 
 
"Well, that's a different look," Aunt Lillian said when she greeted Micah and Heidi at the cafe they picked for lunch.

"Micah's just getting used to it," Heidi said.

"What do you think, Micah," Aunt Lillian asked her nephew.

"Takes some getting used to, but it looks OK," Micah said of his purple lipstick, Tinkerbell earrings and blue nail polish on his fingers and toes. "I actually think I feel like an Indie chick rocker."

"Hope you don't think that's a bad look," Heidi said.

"Not really," Micah admitted. "Just never thought of myself as an Indie chick rocker before."

Heidi told Aunt Lillian about the exploring gender idea.

"You can always so, no way, I'm a boy and say no to Heidi's suggestions," Aunt Lillian said.

"That's really OK," Micah admitted. "Might be fun to explore whether I am really a girl."

"Always thought it was a possibility," Aunt Lillian said. "You have always given off a feminine power vibe during the times I've been around you. I felt it when I held you as an infant."

"Feminine power?" Micah asked. "What is that?"

"It's hard to explain," Heidi said. "But I've felt it, too. Not a bad thing, really an extremely good thing."
 

 
 
Micah helped Heidi chop vegetables for their picnic dinner. They were going to an outdoor poetry reading with Aunt Lil.

They were almost done when Aunt Lillian came through the door carrying a couple of bags.

"Went shopping at the bazaar when I finished this afternoon," Aunt Lillian said. "Found something I thought Micah should wear to the park."

She pulled out a Bohemian-style sundress and some sandals.

"I guessed at the sizes, you might need to try them on," she said.

Micah took the dress and the sandals.

"Pick a pair of clean panties from my drawer to go with it," Heidi said. "They'd probably go better with the sundress than your briefs."

A few minutes later, Micah came bounding down the stairs, wearing dress, sandals and sporting a ponytail.

"That's actually looks pretty good on you," Aunt Lillian said.

"Mom taught me how to tie one," Micah said.

"I was going back to the bazaar tomorrow to pick out a few sundresses for me and Heidi to wear around town," Aunt Lillian said. "You can go with me and pick out some more dresses for you if you'd like."

"Sure," Micah said. "Maybe it'll be cool if the only pants I wear this summer would be yoga pants."

"Careful," Heidi said. "We might hold you to that."

"I wouldn't mind," Micah said. "I might be a girl, remember."

"That thought has crossed my mind," Aunt Lillian said.
 
End Chapter 2
 

 

 
To Be Continued...
 

 

---

Image Credits: Title Picture purchased and licensed for publishing from

123rf.com (Photo 7113389). The model in this image is in no way connected with this story nor supports nor conveys the issues and situations brought up within the story. The model's use is solely used for the representation of looks of the main character of this particular story. ~Sephrena

Divider licensed free for use in publishing from Photoshopgraphics.com ~Sephrena.

---

 

 
 
Chapter 3
 

Poetry in the park wasn't quite what Micah expected. There were a few bongo drums. But Heidi also brought a guitar.

"That's really cool," Micah told her as they walked. "Wished I could play."

"Well, I can teach you," she replied.

"That would be really cool," he said.

Micah felt a little self-conscious at first at what he was wearing. He had a colorful sundress with beads supplied by Aunt Lillian. And a crown of flowers made by Heidi. She made one for all three of them.

"How do you feel about your look?" Aunt Lil asked when they were walking.

"After seeing myself in the mirror, I feel sort of like a fairy or a wood nymph," Micah said. "Or Mother Nature's messed up daughter."

"Nah, our dresses are too long to be a wood nymphs," Heidi said with a laugh. "But if you're a little uncomfortable, you can go back and change into shorts and a T-shirt if you like."

"That's OK," Micah said. "This is actually more comfortable than I thought it would be."

He was a little nervous when he saw the gathering. It was a gathering of women and girls, ranging from around 10 to about 80 in age.

"I'm the only boy, and I'm wearing a dress," Micah muttered as they approached the group.

"You don't know that for certain," Aunt Lillian said as they laid the blanket and picnic basket on the ground. "I still don't think you are sure of your gender."

"Yeah, you might find you're just as much a sister as the rest of the group," Heidi said.

Aunt Lillian introduced Micah to the group. He blushed as she told the group he was "a little nervous about not being a natural born female."

"All of the daughters of the Goddess are welcome here," said an older woman Heidi called a priestess named Wanda.

"You are not the only one here who was not born a natural female," said a woman who appeared to be in her 40's named Artemis.

"She couldn't be," Micah whispered to Aunt Lil. "She doesn't look to be ..."

"Yeah, she is, or was transgendered," Aunt Lillian replied. "We try not to use that label here. She had surgery last summer and has done quite."

"She's lived as a woman most of her life," Heidi sad.

The gathering, the group was quite different than what Micah's Uncle Todd would have imagined.

Although most were artists of some kind, there were a couple of attorneys, an engineer and even a financial advisor.

Yes, there were more than a few lesbians in the crowd. But there were wives in the group who loved their husbands deeply. And mothers.

The poetry and songs were a bit mixed. Yes, there were poems and songs about abuse and about women being degraded. But there were even more about being empowered, and in tune with nature.

Some of the women at the gathering were Wiccans. Some were Pagans. There were even a few who were Christian. Some seemed to be out of a time warp hippies. Micah couldn't quite figure out what group to put Aunt Lil and Heidi in.

"They were more Paganish," he thought.

"You don't put all feminists in the same basket, Micah," Aunt Lillian said. "The same with women, or men, for that matter. You won't find men haters here. We're here to get in touch with the Divine Feminine. And for many of us, this is a chance to come and de-stress."

Micah was surprised when Heidi dedicated a poem-song to him based on Robert Frost's "Road Less Traveled."

He was almost in tears as she sang.
 

 
 
"He really is a special gift to Lil and I this summer from Liz, whom I know you remember," Heidi said. "I know he calls himself Lil's nephew, but I sort of think of her as our special niece. You may be a boy who doesn't like to stay inside his box. Or you are a girl trapped inside a boy's cage. Whichever you are, we love you very much."

Micah tried not to be noticed as he wiped away the tears.

He felt very confused. But he also felt special. He thought he should have been embarrassed to be addressed in terms of a girl: Her and niece.

"Are you OK?," Aunt Lillian asked, knowing their seemed to be something going on in Micah's head.

"I must be weird," he whispered back. "I love being dressed as a girl. I love acting as if I'm a girl. Is it weird that it actually feels natural?"

"No," Aunt Lillian said. "Not if you're a girl. Not if you're a boy who doesn't think there is anything wrong with embracing traits that are more natural for a girl."

"Thanks for the reassurance," Micah said. "It means a lot."

Micah enjoyed soaking in the "Divine Feminine," as Aunt Lillian called it.

The gathering ended with a series of dances. Micah seemed content to sit and watched as different groups got up.

Then the priestess, Wanda called for the girls of the group, the teenagers and the children of the group to join in a circle and dance.

A hand touched Micah on the shoulder.

He looked up to see a beautiful, black-haired girl about his age.

"The priestess wants all of the girls to dance," she said. "Care to join us?"

Micah shook his head yes. She reached out her hand and pulled him up.

They were in a circle dancing to drums, and flutes and other instruments. The dance was as Heidi would say, "primal." It also seemed "spiritual."

And for some reason, Micah felt like he belonged.

"I'm Misty, by the way," the girl said. "Almost didn't recognize you. We were in dance class this morning. I love the way you move."

"I knew you looked familiar," Micah said. "But I didn't know where. But I love the way you move, too."

"We both look different dressed up," Misty laughed. "But I have to say, you look beautiful."

Micah smiled.

"I was thinking the same about you," Micah said.

Come to find out, Misty was Wanda's granddaughter. She lived with the priestess. And they only lived a couple of blocks away.
 

 
 
It was the first real conversation Micah had with his mother since they both boarded planes and headed in opposite directions.

"That's a different look for you," his mom said as they talked on Skype.

Micah had changed out of the dress, but hadn't had a chance to take off the lipstick, or take out the earrings, or take off the nail polish. He was dressed in a tie-dye shirt and shorts.

"It is OK with you?" he asked.

She laughed, but in a good way, laughed.

"There are times when I wished I'd let you be you more than I've had," she said. "But I don't know if I've ever thought there'd be a time when I'd catch you before you took the lipstick off, and the polish. But the lipstick color does look good on you."

"Heidi thought so," Micah said. "She's sort of my fashion consultant."

"Tell her she's not supposed to venture into my territory," his mother laughed. "You stretching your horizons might give me a few ideas when I get back."

"You don't have a problem with that, do you? I mean expanding the horizons part," Micah asked.

"Why do you think I wanted you to stay with Aunt Lil instead of Grandma or Uncle Todd?," his mother replied.

She knew the summer apart from one another would be hard.

"My time with Aunt Lil helped me explore who I really was," his mother said. "That is what I know your time with her will do. And to be honest, I've wrestled with how you really felt about yourself when you dressed up as a girl. But I didn't know if taking you to a therapist or something was the right thing to do."

They decided to change the subject, and the conversation veered into places his mother had seen in Paris: Notre Dame, the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre.

"One of these days, I'm going to bring you here to see it all," his mother said.

Suddenly, Micah began to tear up.

"I miss you, Mom," Micah said.

"I miss you, too," she said. "We both had better stop the tears. Our mascara is smearing."
 
End Chapter 3
 

 

 
To Be Continued...
 

----------=BigCloset Retro Classic!=----------

Chapter 1

---

 
Admin Note: Originally published on Bigcloset Classic on Wednesday, 04-02-2003 - 12:06 am and migrated to BigCloset TopShelf on Sunday 09-28-2008 at 08:42:47 pm, this retro classic was pulled out of the closet, and re-presented for our newer readers. ~Sephrena
 
 
Chapter 1
 
It was a long flight from Seattle. It gave her time to do a little soul searching. How would accepting her half-brother into her home change her family's life?

She hadn't seen Nicki, as she once known him, since he was four. That was eight long years ago. She finished college early, was about to become a mother for the first time and was seeing her father, who was dying of cancer.

She enjoyed playing with her brother, a blond-headed cherub with curly hair who reminded her of her youngest daughter, Kayla.

"Does he even remember me?" she thought as the plane touched down on the runway in Boston.

It was a sad situation. Her father, Michael Taylor, divorced her mother when she was young. He moved to Boston and later married Nicholas’s mother, Karen, a woman neither she nor her mother ever got along with.

She visited her father and stepmother during the summers and over the holidays. But it all stopped when her father died. She was not allowed any contact with her brother after that.

It was only a month ago that she learned of her stepmother's death. One of her father's cousins told her about it. She became angry when she found out her brother was living with her stepmother's brother and they didn't want him.

They were thinking about placing him in a foster home.

That all seemed like water under the bridge when her taxi pulled up to the high-rise building for her meeting with her stepmother's attorney. She felt a lump in her throat as the elevator reached the floor of the attorney's office.

"Ms. Meggs, Ms. Lawrence is expecting you," the receptionist said.

She walked down the hallway, where a woman in her fifties waited for her.

"You must be Amanda?" the woman said. "I'm Julie Lawrence. Come in and have a seat."

She had to admit she felt like she was in high school, in the principal's office, in trouble.

"Relax, this won't take to long," Ms. Lawrence said. "I have to admit, I was a bit surprised to hear from you. Do you have the paperwork from your attorney. Mr. Michaels seems like a very nice man. He was very complimentary of you."

"They're right here," she said, reaching for the papers out of her brief case.

"They seem to be in working order, Ms. Meggs, or may I call you Amanda?" Ms. Lawrence said.

"Amanda's fine–" she replied.

"I have to admit, I was skeptical when I first heard of your situation," Ms. Lawrence said. "You're only 28. It seems like you have your hands full with an 8-year-old and a 4-year-old. But I'm told you are a very capable accountant and mother, according to references Mr. Michaels sent."

"I wouldn't have applied for custody if I didn't think I could do it," she said.

"What made you decide you wanted custody of Nicholas?" Ms. Lawrence asked.

"He's my brother," she said. "He belongs with me."

"I'm glad you think that way," Ms. Lawrence said. "Too bad my client didn't think that way. She wouldn't have left him with her brother in her will."

"I can't understand why anyone wouldn't want Nicki," she answered.

"Didn't Mr. Michaels tell you?" Ms. Lawrence said. "Nicholas is...well...a gender-variant child...I guess that is what they are calling it now. The Lancasters couldn't handle that. I do seriously wander if you can."

"Mr. Michaels did mention to me something about Nicki crossdressing," she replied. "Are you saying that Nicki's transgendered?"

"I really don't know how to answer that question, Ms. Meggs," Ms. Lawrence said. "Your stepmother never took him to a therapist. She tried her best to discourage his cross-dressing, as have the Lancasters. They think it’s an embarassment. They are looking forward to your taking him off their hands."

That remark she found upsetting. That made her want to take her brother home even more.

"I'll gladly take him off their hands," she said. "I'm ready to take him home where he belongs."

Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Amanda found the Lancasters a very cold couple. Their personality seemed to fit the stately home in which they lived.

She held her peace and was as polite as she could be as they spun tales of what a burden Nicholas had been on them. It angered her every time they talked about punishing him for cross-dressing or acting like a girl.

"How was she going to handle it?," Madlyne Lancaster asked her.

"I don't know," she said. "I intend to act in his best interest. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it after we get home."

The truth is she didn't know how she would respond. All she knew was that she was going to provide a loving home for her little brother.

During her conversation with the Lancasters, she noticed her brother shyly, walking gingerly down the stairs. The cherub face that she saw when he was four was there, but very sad. The locks were gone from his hair. The Lancasters had his hair buzzed. They didn't want it long or looking feminine.

She smiled at him, put her arms around him and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"Nicki, I've missed you so much," she said as she hugged him tightly.

He spoke not a word, but appreciated the warmth. She held his head close to her heart. She hoped he sensed he could trust her.

"Are his things packed?" she asked. "We can't stay long. The girls are waiting for us to get back."

Mrs. Lancaster assured her Nicholas' things were packed up and ready to go. They helped her packed them into the trunk of the taxi.

The trip to the airport was a quiet one. She asked Nicholas questions. He answered politely. She knew it might be sometime before he opened up, especially after all he went through.

She made him hold her hand tight as they walked through the busy airport, just as she had her girls do.

"I know you're 12, but I don't someone to snatch you," she said as they boarded the plane. She also hoped it would send him a message how much she cared for him."

She spent most of the flight back across the country telling him about his new home. She also told him about her daughters.

"Here they are," she said, showing him pictures of the two girls. "They're your nieces–or maybe your sisters now. They're really looking forward to you coming home. I really hope they'll become your closest friends. Here's Kayla, you had hair just like hers when you were her age. You could have been twins."

She noticed that brought a smile to his face.

"You want your hair to grow back out, don't you?" she asked.

He nodded his head "yes".

"Wanna know a secret?" she asked him in a whisper. "I'll let you grow it any length you want."

He smiled again.

"This is Amber," she said, pointing to her other daughter. "Her birthday is tomorrow. We're going to have a double party when we get home, for you and her. I promised her she can get her ears pierced tomorrow,"

"I asked mom if I could get my ears pierced once," Nicholas said. "She got very mad."

She gave him a big hug.

"I think Amber would like it if you two got your ears pierced together," she said. "I don't think there's any harm in that. Do you still want to get them pierced?"

Again he nodded his head "yes".

She was amazed how short the flight seemed. Nicholas began to open up some before they landed.

Waiting for them at the arrival gate was her mother, Amber and Kayla.

"How was your flight?" her mother asked. "Nicholas you've grown since the last time I've seen you."

"You can call her grandma if you like," Kayla whispered to him.

They gathered the luggage and headed for the car.

"Let's go home!" Amanda said as they loaded into the vehicle.

She hoped Nicholas knew that finally he was going to be home.

Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"This is your room, I hope you like it," Amanda told her brother as they brought his things into his room from the car. "I didn't know how to decorate it. I didn't know what you like. I want you to do with it what you wish."

Nicholas looked around the room. It was light blue. Sitting on the dresser were four pictures in frames. One was of him and Amanda during her last visit to see him. He was only four and she was pregnant with Amber. There were photos of Amber and Kayla and there was his baby picture.

"It's good," he said as he unpacked a couple of boxes. Amanda was folding his clothes. Amber was bringing in as many boxes as she could. Kayla tried to help, well as much as a preschooler could.

"Wow, you have a unicorn collection, too?" Amber said after opening one of Nicholas' boxes.

"Yes," Nicholas said. The collection was his most cherished possession. It was the one thing, an obsession, that his mother and aunt and uncle allowed him to keep that was at all feminine.

"Mom also has a unicorn collection!," Amber said.

"Yes I do," Amanda said as she looked up from her work of folding clothes. "Oh my gosh…you still have that one?"

Nicholas was holding a light blue unicorn with purple hair. On its side was written the name "Mandy" in a child's hand writing.

"Yes, she was my first," Nicholas said. Amanda had given it to him during her last visit years ago.

"She's special," he said, cradling it in his arms. "I gave her a special name."

"You named her for mom?" Amber asked in noticing the name on the side. He nodded his head yes.

Amanda fought the tears coming from her eyes. She didn't even know he remembered.

"Let me show you something," she said, leading him to her room. She showed him her shelf full of unicorns,

She pointed to a pink unicorn with purple hair.

"Mandy was part of a set with her," she said. "Mandy is the only unicorn I've ever given away. Do you know why?"

He shook his head no.

"I wanted to give her to a special person, you!" Amanda said.

"Well, I've got to get down and help your grandmother with supper," Amanda told Amber. "Think you three can finish things up here?"

They shook their heads, almost in unison before Amanda went downstairs.

"You've got to be tired," said her mother, Kathryn Taylor. "That long flight you two had. Do you have him settled in his room."

"I think so," Amanda said. "I'm amazed how little clothes he had. Surely they bought him more than that. He really didn't have a whole lot of toys either. What did they do with Karen's money? She wasn't broke. Neither was dad."

"Who knows?" her mother said. "Your father married into a strange family. I really feel sorry for Nicholas having to grow up with them."

Amanda helped her mother prepare the spaghetti, the bread and a small cake.

It wasn't long before the kids came running down the stairs.

"Mom, Nickie wants to ask you something," Amber said. "Go ahead, she won't mind."

"Umm–umm––" he stammered.

"Go ahead, I'm listening," Amanda said.

"Can I play Barbies with them?," Nicholas said with a voice just above a whisper.

"Of course you can," Amanda said, kissing him on the forehead,

"Mom never let me play with dolls," Nicholas said.

"You'll find things are a little different around here," Amanda said.

"See, I told ya!" Amber said before the three went trampling back up the
stairs and into the girls' room.

"I don't know what the harm is with letting him play with dolls," Amanda said almost in disgust to her mother.

"Well, Karen Taylor wasn't exactly the most pleasant woman in the world," her mother said. "How she managed to raise such a sweet child, I'll never know."

"Well mom, I've scheduled him an appointment to talk with Andrea," Amanda said.

"Do you think it will help him?" her mother asked.

"Well, she helped me when I was going through the divorce," Amanda said of her former college friend, who was now a therapist. "She helped the girls, too. I told her about the cross-dressing. But he's got more issues than just that. Karen dying. Dad dying when he was little. A new home across the country. He's had a lot on his plate."

She couldn't help but think what Nicholas might be thinking when she went upstairs to get the children for dinner. She peaked in first and listened as they talked and played.

She smiled as she heard him make car noises as he pushed the car with his Barbie and the girls' Barbies as they pretended to go to the movies.

"Well, I hate to break up the fun, but supper's ready," she said.

She marched them downstairs. She patted Nicholas on the back.

"It looks like you three were having fun," she said.

"Um huh," he said.

"One of these days I'm going to get more than Um huh out of you," Amanda said.

She smiled as she watched him eat. It looked like he hadn't had a good meal in years the way he devoured his food. They also enjoyed a little cake.

"You know we'll be eating cake tomorrow, too," Amber told Nicholas.

"We're having a party for Amber's birthday," Amanda said. "All of her buds from ballet class will be here."

"Then we're going to the mall to get my ears pierced," Amber said.

"You mean we're going to the mall to get our ears pierced," Nicholas said.

"You’re getting yours done too? Neat," Amber said. "I've picked out a pair of pink butterfly earrings. It would be neat if we could get pairs just alike."

Nicholas gave Amanda a strange look.

"Well, maybe Nickie will find another pair that he likes," she said. But if he wants butterfly earrings, he can have them."

Nicholas smiled back at his older sister.

"Well, it's about time for baths," Amanda said, looking over at Kayla, who managed to get spaghetti sauce all over her face.

"Nicholas, you go pick something out to wear to bed while I get the girls ready," she said.

She marched the two girls into the bathroom after they picked out their nightgowns. She gave them a bath and washed their hair. Kayla was disappointed that Nicholas couldn't take a bath with them.

"Well–he's a boy–and he's a little bit too old," she said, and headed into Nicholas’s room.

He had a pair of underwear on the bed. No pajamas.

"Wait just a second," she said. She returned to the room with one of her t-shirts.

It was pink, with a unicorn on the front. It had "Mandy" on the back.

"Hope you don't mind," she said. "I got this at the beach one year."

He smiled and took the clothes into the bathroom. He hopped into the tub that Amanda had already prepared for him, bubble bath and all.

After popping "High School Musical" into the DVD player for about the 100th time, she went back downstairs to say goodbye to her mother and get a cup of coffee.

"I appreciate everything," she told her mother. "I'm exhausted. I bet Nickie is too. Hopefully, the girls won't have trouble going to sleep."

She savored her quiet time for a little while, then went upstairs to check on the kids.

She smiled when she saw them, all three asleep side-by-side on Amber's bed. Nicholas was in the middle. Amber had one arm on his back. Kayla had one arm on his back too. He had both his arms on them.

She almost chuckled. Her long t-shirt looked more like a nightgown on her brother. Her daughters had their nightgowns on, too.

It was too cute a scene to pass up. She went and got a digital camera and took a photo.

"They'll probably kill me when they're older," she thought.

She then put the photo on the screen of her computer with the words; "Mandy's three angels sleeping."

Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"Mom, can we go outside to twirl the baton?" Amber asked her mother as her birthday party entered full swing.

"Sure," Amanda said, thinking the house would become a little quieter. The mothers at the party needed a little break from the giggling and the yelling of girls from preteen age on down. She had a house full.

She took particular interest when Nicholas came bounding down the stairs with Sara Lewis and Meredith Baker, two girls his age who were also in Amber's dance class.

"He's got a cool unicorn collection, Ms. Meggs, it looks just like yours," Sara said.

"Why thank you, so what do you have planned?" she asked the trio.

"Oh, we're going to help the little girls learn how to twirl batons, too," Meredith said.

"Well, that should be fun," Amanda said.

"So Nick, are you just going to watch?" asked Anna Baker, Meredith's mom.

"Oh, we're going to show Nickie how to twirl, too," Sara said.

He nodded, still being a little shy.

"Poor boys, if they are the only ones at a party like this, they sort of get roped into those things," Julia Lewis–Sara's mom said.

"Yeah, I guess they do," Amanda replied, knowing full well that Nicholas wanted to be doing the things they were doing.

"So, how is he adjusting?" Anna said.

"Well, it's only been a couple of days, but he seems to be doing okay," Amanda said. "They're letting me off work for two weeks to help. Thank goodness it's summer and school doesn't start for another four weeks."

"Will he be attending Franklin Middle with Sara and Meredith?" Julia asked.

"Yeah, we got the paperwork done and the transcripts sent even before I picked him up in Boston," Amanda said. "I didn't want a whole lot of hassle once we got out back here. I figured it was going to be tough enough of an adjustment for us as it is."

"How are the girls handling it?" Anna asked.

"Believe it or not, great so far," Amanda said. "The three of them have been clinging to one another since he's been here. Amber and Kayla haven't had even one fight."

"Hey you guys, look at this!" Julia said peeking out the window, making sure the girls weren't getting into trouble. "This is so cute."

The girls were gathered in a circle as Nicholas took his turn at twirling the baton.

"You know, for a first time, not bad," Meredith said as he finished.

"Maybe we can teach you well enough you can join us with the Dixie Darlings," Sara said.

"I'm sure she's just joking," Julia giggled to Amanda about the twirling team Meredith and Sara were on. In fact, most of the girls at the party were also on the team at different levels, right down to Kayla's age.

"Well, it's time to bring them in for food and cake," Amanda said before the trio of mothers went out and gathered their crew.

Nicholas ceased from being center stage. The focus was on Amber as she tore into her presents of CDs, DVDs, clothes and a couple of dolls.

"This is a lot of cool stuff, thanks you guys!" she said. "Nickie, we've got a lot of cool music to listen to!"

"Oh, lucky you," Anna said sarcastically to Amanda.

"I'll just tell them to keep it down," Amanda said.

It didn't take long for the party to wind down. Usually, Amber had a sleepover. But that would have been a little much on Nicholas' full day with them. It was also cut a little short because of dance class that night.

Amber wanted to have enough time to go to the mall to get those earrings she was looking forward to getting. Deep down inside, Nicholas was looking forward to that trip, too.

"You know, you should come tonight to dance class," Sara said to Nicholas as they were leaving the party.

He didn't know what to say. Deep down, he wanted to.

"I'm sure mom will let you go with me," Amber whispered. "After we go to the mall, I'll ask her.

Nicholas had to admit he admired Amber. She was four years younger than he was, but way more bolder.

"Wow! It's really quiet in here now that everyone's left," Amanda said. "If you two will help me clean things up in the kitchen, we'll get ready to go to the mall."

"Can I help, too, mommy," little Kayla asked. Her face was covered with cake and ice cream.

"Of course you can, but I'll have to get you cleaned up first," she said with a laugh.

"Nickie, put the cake in the fridge and the ice cream in the freezer," she said. "Amber, put away the chips and the cookies. Both of you start putting the dishes in the dishwasher.

They worked like two busy little beavers until Amanda came back down stairs with a much cleaner Kayla.

"You think Lindsey will be working today, mom?" Amber asked. Lindsey was heir baby sitter. She also worked at the mall to earn a little extra money.

"She may be," Amanda said. "I'm sure she has your earrings picked out and have them waiting for you when we get there if she doesn't."

Lindsey was in fact waiting at the store when they arrived.

"This is Claire's, they've got lots of neat stuff, Nickie," Amber said, wanting to show him around.

"Well, well, there's the birthday girl!" a voice said as they were looking at an assortment of pins and rings.

"Lindsay!" shouted Amber, pulling Nicholas by the hand to show him off to her, and soon to be his, baby sitter.

"You must be Nickie," the pretty brown headed college student said. "Oh my gosh, Amanda, you can tell they're related!. He looks just like the girls.

"Doesn't he, though?" Amanda said. "Kayla looks just like Nickie when he was her age."

Suddenly Amber got a little quiet. "Aren't we forgetting something?" she chimed in.

"Oh yeah," Lindsey said. "Here they are."

She pulled out a box with pink butterfly earrings.

"They are pretty," Lindsey said. "Shall we go put them in?"

"Umm...not yet, Nickie wants some to," Amber said.

"Do you really?" Lindsey said, patting him on the head. "We've got some boys earrings that will look really nice."

Nicholas paused, looking back at Amanda.

"Well, honey, if you want some like Amber's, tell her," Amanda said reassuringly. "But you can only wear them around the house. You'll get teased if you wear them at school."

Lindsey at first looked puzzled. Then she went and got another box, with a pair that looked exactly like Amber's.

"You know, I think they'll look really pretty in your ears," she told Nicholas.

She then led them to two couches side by side, with a table to lay their heads.

"Is this going to hurt?" Nicholas asked as he looked over at Amber.

"It will probably sting just a little," Amanda said as her daughter and brother reached out and grabbed each others hands.

It stung only for a few seconds. The Amber dragged Nicholas over to the mirror.

"Wow, we could be twins," Amber said.

"You two look really glamorous," Lindsey said.

"Well, my two little divas, we've got to go, Amber's got to get ready for ballet," Amanda said with a laugh as she went to the counter and paid for the earrings. "Lindsey, thanks for being understanding. See you in two weeks?"

"Oh yes, ’bye kids!" Lindsey said. "And Nickie, welcome to the family!"

"Did you hear mom call us her two little divas?" Amber asked Nicholas.

Nicholas was a little embarrassed. Happy, but still a little embarrassed. But both were happy on the drive back home.

"Just let me ask mom, but first we have some things to do," Amber said as they pulled into the driveway.

"Amber, hurry up, you know Madame Ruth doesn't like for anyone to be late," Amanda said as the two children went running up stairs.

"You know, if you're going to take ballet with us, you've got to have something to wear," she said after they entered her room.

Nicholas shook his head and then nodded.

"You aren't much bigger than me," Amber said. She then tossed him a pairof pink tights and a black leotard. "They'll fit you. Rush to put them on. Mom will have to put my hair into a bun."

He went into his room, pulled off his clothes, and pulled the tights and leotard on. He looked at himself in the mirror. He really didn't know what to think.

"You look like a real dancer," Amber said. "Grab some socks to wear since you don't have shoes. Now let's go surprise mom."

"Amber get down here, we're going to run late," they heard Amanda shout.

Amanda was a little stunned when they both came down the stairs. One reason she was stunned was that Nicholas actually looked like a girl even with the buzz haircut. He still had his butterfly earrings in, as did Amber.

Another reason, well–this was the first time she'd actually seen him in girls’ clothes. Playing with Barbies, twirling a baton, even wearing earrings, no matter how girlish, was one thing.

This was another thing entirely.

"He wants to take class with us tonight," Amber said. "He didn't have anything else to wear."

"You sure you want to do this?" Amanda said. "You might get teased."

Nicholas nodded.

"Well okay," she said, slapping them both on their leotarded behinds. "We've got to go. But both of you put on sweat pants to cover up."

This should be really interesting, she thought, as they headed out the door.

Emerging from the Cocoon
By Torey
Chapter Five

Amanda thought about the previous day’s events as she sat in the waiting room at the therapist's office. Nicholas's appearance at the ballet school caught quite a few people off guard. Madame Ruth mistook him for a girl. Some of the girls in class were really surprised, but the parents were even more shocked.

Actually most were more understanding. He wore girls clothes until he could get boys' dancewear. and most of the girls were very nice to him–although a couple giggled. Most of the parents were kind to him, too. He had fun, that was the main thing. And Madame Ruth was impressed with how well he picked things up despite only being in his first ballet class.

He'll only wear the tights and leotard for a couple of more classes, Amanda told Ruth, until the proper boy’s uniform she would try to order came in. Still, it sort of prepared both Amanda and Nicholas for things to come.

"Nicholas, sit out here and wait, I need to talk to your sister," said Andrea Dornan, the therapist who was a former college friend of Amanda's.

"Come in, Amanda, and have a seat," Andrea said. She was curious how the first session went.

"You're right, he's gone through a lot," Andrea said. "If he's telling me the truth, he really didn't have a pleasant home life with his mother. And the aunt and uncle, well I believe he went through a few months of emotional abuse, maybe physical, too, but I can't be certain."

That, Amanda thought, might explain why he felt so withdrawn at times.

"He fears being abandoned again," Andrea continued. "He really needs assurance. He's very lucky to have you."

"I'm very lucky to have him," Amanda said. "He is as much my child as Amber and Kayla are."

"I am very glad to hear you say that," Andrea said. "He looks up to you. He very much needs your reassurance of that, especially with what he is still going through."

"Did he mention anything else?" Amanda asked, wondering if Andrea were going to get around to Nicholas's gender issues.

"I think I know what you're asking about," Andrea said. "With all else he has going on, yes, he has some gender issues going on inside that head of his. He tells me he wants to be a girl. He tells me he is a girl."

"So you're telling me he's transgendered?" Amanda asked.

"I can't say for sure after just one session," Andrea said. "He might just be going through a phase. Some children do. But at his age, there is some concern. Most children usually go through it a little earlier if it's only a phase."

"What should we do about it?," Amanda said, her mind racing a mile a minute.

"After only one session, I'm not comfortable coming to a conclusion on that," Andrea said. "There are generally three ways of approaching it. The first would be to deny him any of those feelings, much like your stepmother and his aunt and uncle did. The hope being he'll grow out of it."

That clearly didn't work, Amanda thought.

"The other extreme, there are some parents with transgender children who allow them to live completely as the opposite gender," Andrea said. "I don't know if he is ready for that. I don't know if you're ready for that."

"The other approach?" Amanda asked.

"I think you already know the answer," Andrea said. "Tell me what you feel you should do."

"Andrea, that's hard for me to fully answer," Amanda said. "I want Nikki to be whoever he or she is inside. But I'm scared for him–I mean what if the world rejects who that beautiful person is? I'm probably going to say I'll use a little moderation, that's just the protective mother I am."

"That is the approach I'm hoping you take," Andrea said. "Like I said, it's still too early to draw any real conclusions. But there is one thing you need to be aware of because of his age."

"What's that?" Amanda asked.

"He is about to go through puberty," Andrea said. "That can be a total nightmare to any transgendered child. If he still shows these tendencies after a few more sessions, you might want to consider putting him on hormone blockers."

"Hormone blockers?" Amanda asked.

"They basically put off puberty for a little while longer," Andrea said. "If he's not transgendered, you could quit at any time. If he is, he'd continue to taking them until he reached the age when he could take female hormones. Then he would develop more feminine features. This is a lot to think about, I know."

"It's a ton to think about," Amanda said, feeling the weight of the world was on her shoulders.

"I'm treating a 13-year-old girl who wants to be a boy right now," Andrea said. "We've got her on hormone blockers. I can contact her–or should I say his–mother. You two might could provide some support to each other."

"Sure, that would be great," Amanda said before leaving.

"Sorry it took so long my love," she told Nicholas as they walked to the car. "I know you talked a lot to Andrea. Did you feel okay talking to her?"

"She was okay," Nicholas said. "She seemed really nice."

He was still a little more stoic than Amanda would have preferred. But after all that he had been through, Amanda couldn't blame him.

"Mandy, can I ask you a question?" Nicholas asked her on the ride home.

"Sure, what is it?" Amanda replied.

"I know you're my sister…but Amber and Kayla call you mom," Nicholas said.

"Yes?…" Amanda said.

"I mean, they're my nieces, but they are more like my little sisters," he said. "Would you be mad if I call you mom...or momma sometimes like they do?"

Amanda tried to fight her tears. "Oh, baby, if you want to call me mom, that's very much okay," she replied. "You are just as much my baby as Amber and Kayla are…don't you forget that!"

Amber, Kayla and Amanda's mother were waiting on the porch when they pulled into the driveway.

"How did it go?" Amanda's mother asked.

"It went fine," Amanda answered. "We've just got an interesting road ahead for us, don't we, sweatpea?"

Nicholas seemed a little embarrassed by the nickname, but nodded yes.

"I thought I would take Kayla and Amber with me tonight in case there were some things you needed to talk about with Nikki," Amanda's mother said.

"Actually, I want Amber here, she's got to hear part of what's going on too," Amanda said. "But go ahead and take Kayla with you. I'll have to figure out how to tell her what's going on with Nikki."

"Bye, little one…you get to spend a night with grandma," she told Kayla. "I'll get your things."

"But I want Nikki to go with us!" she protested.

"Maybe another night, little one," Amanda's mother said. "We'll have fun. We'll watch the Disney Channel tonight."

She protested a little more, but it didn't do any good. Amanda brought clothes for Kayla to wear.

"Give momma a kiss," she said. "Be a good little girl"

"Can Nikki give me a kiss?" Kayla said.

"Why of course I can," he said, pecking her on the forehead. "See you tomorrow."

‘Now was the day of reckoning,’ Amanda thought, sitting both Nicholas and Amber down at the kitchen table.

Amber was wide-eyed as Amanda told her everything that Nicholas had told Andrea. "So you really want to be a girl?" she asked him.

He nodded his head ‘yes’.

"Does this mean you're my big sister or my aunt?" she asked.

Nicholas looked at Amanda, searching for answer.

"It's a little more complicated than that, dear," Amanda said. "But if you want to consider Nikki your big sister at home, you can. But we're really going to have to lay some ground rules."

The ground rules were pretty clear. Nicholas could dress as a girl, behave as a girl, at home, or at other places where people were understanding and tolerant. At school, he had to be a boy. Even in ballet, once his boys' dancewear came, he was to be a boy.

"If you still believe you are a girl, I'll be with you every step of the way," Amanda assured Nicholas. "But you have to understand, there are some cruel people who may not accept you. I'm going to do what I can to protect you. I'm going to be like a mama lion protecting my cub."

She gave Nicholas a hug. They both wept.

"You're a girl to me, sis," Amber whispered.

"Okay, girls, follow me up to the attic," Amanda said.

"She called you a girl," Amber whispered to Nicholas. He–or she–really appreciated it.

Amber was amazed by all of the stuff in storage in the attic. She was never allowed up there before. Amanda drug out a large box with clothes in it.

"These were my clothes when I was younger," Amanda said. "You’re about my size when I was your age. I was going to give some of these to Amber and Kayla, but you can pass them down to them."

"Okay," Nicholas said.

She pulled out a pair of faded jeans with holes, writing and a purple peace sign on the back. She then pulled out a spaghetti strapped top. She measured both up against his body.

"Take these to that bathroom over there and try them on Nicole," Amanda said.

Nicholas and Amber gazed at each other with strange looks on their faces.

"Around here, you will be Nicole as long as you want to be," Amanda said. "We'll always call you Nikki–she made sure she spelled it out that way. At school, or in public, you are Nicholas. And if you ever want to go back to being Nicholas all the time, that will be fine."

"Okay, mom," Nicholas–Nicole–said before she went into the bathroom to change clothes. She noticed that her top left her midriff showing.

"You look cool, sis!" Amber said after she emerged.

Amanda thought of the earrings that she bought for Nicole. Maybe the butterflies symbolized who she was. She showed flashes over the last two days of emerging from that cocoon she was trapped in.

Amanda wasn't apologizing for giving her a small chance to spread her wings.

She then put a scarf Amber called a "doo" rag on her head.

They spent the next couple of hours sizing up skirts, dresses, shorts, pants and tops. It was enough for a little bit of wardrobe.

Then she smiled as she pulled out another item from the box.

"I can't believe I kept this," she said as she pulled out a spangled leotard.

She sized it up to Nicole.

"It will be fun to see you in this, this is my old Dixie Darlings twirling outfit," Amanda said with a laugh. "It goes with those white boots over there."

"Do you want me to try them on mom?" Nicole said.

"Not right now, we have an errand to go on," Amanda said. "Grab those sandals and see if they fit."

They did, amazingly enough.

"Amber, go get the nail polish on my dresser," Amanda said.

Amber ran downstairs and grabbed a bottle.

Amanda then painted both of her "girls" fingers and toes and told them to get in the car.

"Where are we going?" Nicole asked.

"We've got a little shopping to do," Amanda said as they took a little road trip out of town.

They pulled up to the mall in Leesburg.

"No one knows us here," she thought.

"There is a tradition that moms take their daughters to get a training bras when they reach 11 or 12," Amanda said. "You're 12, Nicole. One of these days you'll get breasts if you stay on this journey, either through hormones or surgery. But I don't see any reason why we can't keep this tradition."

They walked into a department store and headed to the juniors department.

"Go over there and pick out a pack of panties," Amanda said. "Take Amber with you. I don't want anything slutty or outrageous."

She went over and picked out a pack of modest briefs. She also got some ankle socks.

Amanda then came over with four bras on hangers. All were modest, although a couple had little bows. She also picked out a couple of nightgowns.

"Let's take them in the dressing room and take a look," Amanda said.

She made sure Nicole modelled each of them.

"They all look very nice on you, sweetie," she said as Nicole put her top back on.

Things were going to change. Amanda hoped things were going to change for the better.

But she also felt there were going to be some major challenges ahead.

Chapter Six

“First position, ladies and gentleman,” Madame Ruth said at the beginning of the ballet class.

Nicole’s boys’ dancewear had not come in so she was still wearing a pair of Amber’s tights and a leotard. The class was bliss for her.

She wasn’t wearing the earrings. For all everyone knew in the class, except Amber, he was still Nicholas.

“Demi plié, relevée’, demi plié’, grande plié,” Madame Ruth said as the music played.

The words were foreign to her, but she tried her best to remember them. She felt beautiful, graceful as she tried to do the steps correctly.

“You’re doing good,” whispered Meredith, who was in front of her at the barre.

Sara was on the other side.

They both had taken Nicole–or as they thought, Nicholas–under their wing during class.

Madame Ruth could be kind of tough, she thought, but helpful.

“Knee straight during the tendue Nicholas,” she said. “Point your feet.”

The class was very challenging. From the barre, they went to center where they worked on different types of jumps.

“This is pretty tough,” Nicole whispered to Amber.

They did some turns across the room before the end of class.

Finally came curtsies, although Nicole, as Nicholas, was shown how to do a bow.

“Very good, class,” Madame Ruth said at the end. “You’ve worked very hard today.” She told them the summer session would end in two weeks. The older students would go into another class once the regular session began.

Madame Ruth put her arm around Nicole at the end of class. “You’ve done very good for just three classes,” she said. “If you stick with it, you will make a beautiful dancer like Amber.”

She and Amber put their sweats on over their dance clothes and waited for Amanda to arrive.

“We’re going to be in different classes when the school year begins,” Amber said. “There will be a lot more girls taking classes. But you’ll have Sara and Meredith to show you the ropes.”

Just then Amanda walked into the lobby with Kayla in tow.

“Nikki, Amber are you ready to go?” she asked.

“Yes, mom,” they replied almost in unison.

“Well, girls, how was class?” she asked when they were walking through the parking lot to get to the car.

“It was fun,” Nicole said.

“It was more than fun, mom, you should have seen Nikki,” Amber said. “Madame Ruth thinks she’s a natural.”

“Oh, she thinks Amber’s a natural, too,” Nicole said.

“Doesn’t surprise me,” Amanda said. “You both get it from your mother.”

Nicole gave her a strange look.

“I know you’re really my half-sister,” Amanda whispered. “But you still get it from my side of the family.”

While they were driving home, Amanda informed them they were having company over for dinner.

“I guess, I’ve got to be Nicholas then,” Nicole said, sounding really disappointed.

“No, actually, you can be Nicole if you like,” Amanda said, knowing it would bring a smile to her newly-emerged daughter’s face.

Nicole and Amber both wondered who the company was that would allow Nicole to stay in “girl mode.”

“Go get changed, then come down and help me get things ready in the kitchen,” Amanda said after they got home.

Nicole raced to her room, pulled her dance clothes off, put a pair of panties on and looked in her closet. Just then Amber walked in.

“Which dress do you think would look nice for supper?” Nicole asked, showing her a couple of dresses.

“I think the green one would look good on you,” Amber replied.

Nicole held it against her body and looked in the mirror.

“I think you’re right,” she said.

She then tried to slip on her bra, but had trouble hooking it up at the back.

“Mom, I need you,” she yelled.

Amanda came bounding upstairs.

“Having trouble?” she asked with a laugh. “You’re going to have to learn how to hook it up in the back. It’s going to be a few years before your husband will be there to hook it, or unhook it for you.”

Nicole gave her an uneasy look.

“Well, if you end up going back to being Nicholas, you may not like boys,” Amanda said. “But if you truly want to end up as Nicole, who knows, you might find that you’ll like them.”

Amanda then realized her little joke opened up another can of worms.

“We’re not ready for that yet,” she added quickly, kissing Nicole on the head.

“Hurry up and get ready, I need your help in the kitchen.”

Nicole and Amber both proved big help in the kitchen. They helped set the
table just before the doorbell rang.

“Nicole, be a dear and get the door,” Amanda said.

Nicole opened the door. A woman and two boys walked in.

“Gina, you didn’t have any trouble finding the house, then?” Amanda called.

“Oh, no, you gave very good directions,” Gina said.

Gina introduced her two boys. Sam was the oldest, was about Nicole’s age. Luke was about Amber’s age.

They seemed really nice, Nicole thought. Sam was a little heavy set, with a buzz haircut much like the one Nicole had just a couple of weeks earlier, although Nicole’s, thankfully, was growing out a little.

They were a much different looking family. All three had dark hair. Amanda and her girls all had blonde hair.

“So, Nicole,” Gina asked, “how do you like going to Andrea?”

“She’s really nice,” Nicole said. “I like talking to her.”

“Sam goes to her, too,” Gina said.

Nicole didn’t take to much of a hint about why Sam also went to her.

“Nicole, Amber, why don’t you take the boys upstairs and show them your toys while Gina and I talk.”

“They must want to say something private,” Sam whispered Nicole.

“You’re probably right,” Nicole said as they went upstairs.

“You would never think that Sam was really a girl,” Amanda remarked.

“I was going to say the same thing about Nicole really being a boy,” Gina replied.

Gina explained that Sam was already on hormone blockers to keep breasts from developing, or hips.

“It’s probably going to be a lot easier for Sam than Nicole,” Gina said. “Tomboys are a little more accepted, although Sam has already been called ‘butch, dyke and lesbo’.”

“I know,” Amanda said. “I keep thinking maybe Nikki’s going through a phase.”

“I used to think that with Sam,” Gina said. “But Sam never grew out of it. He rebelled about doing anything girly, even though we’ve had a time with some members of our family.”

“Well, Nikki’s had a hard time with members of his real mother’s family,” Amanda said. “My stepmother and her family really tried to scare her in trying to keep her from doing girlish things.”

The conversation was just as deep up in Nikki’s room. Sam couldn’t understand why Nicole passed on being a boy… and vice versa. But then Sam told Nicole something that really threw her off guard.

“You don’t mind if I tell you something, do ya?” Sam asked.

“Well, no?” Nikki answered.

“I think you’re very pretty, one of the prettiest girls I know,” Sam replied.

“Why, Sam, that’s very sweet,” Nikki said.

But then Nikki got serious.

“Do people make fun of you…I mean for wanting to be a boy?”

“Sometimes they do,” Sam said. “I get called butch a lot.”

“Mom thinks people will probably be mean to me because I want to be a girl,” Nikki said.

“They probably will,” Sam said. “It doesn’t matter about what people say about me. But what about you?”

“I don’t know how I’ll take it,” Nikki said. “Mom’s worried about it. But, Sam, I feel like I’m really a girl, how can I stop being something I am?”

“That’s how I feel,” Sam said. “I’m a boy. You’re a girl.”

Just then Luke and Amber come running into the room.

“I’m bored,” Luke said. “All they have is girls’ stuff here.”

“That’s because there nobody but girls here,” Sam said.

“That’s right,” Nikki said. “You’re just going to have to put up with us. What do you say if we put a movie in the DVD player.”

She tried to be sure there was one both boys and girls watch. Nikki put in Lord of the Rings.

“Well I hate to break up this movie fest,” Gina said about halfway through. “Boys, we got to go home.”

Sam grabbed Nikki’s hand as they walked down stairs.

“It was really neat talking to you,” Sam said.

“I was going to say the same thing,” Nicole replied.

“Well, Gina, I enjoyed it,” Amanda said.

“You guys are coming over Saturday, right?” Gina asked.

“Of course,” Amanda responded.

“Girls, be sure to bring your swimsuits,” Gina said.

“They’ve got a pool,” Amanda said.

Sam winked at Nicole as they got in the car to leave. Nicole waved.

“Sis, I think he likes you,” Amber said.

“He does not,” Nicole said, pinching Amber in the arm.

“Girls, what’s going on?” Amanda said.

“Oh nothing, mom!” Nicole said.

“Oh yes there is,” Amber teased. “Nikki’s got a boyfriend. Nikki’s got a boyfriend.”

Chapter Seven

Nicole looked at herself in the mirror, almost gawkily.

“Why does this have to show so much?” she thought while staring at herself wearing the bikini she was going to wear over Sam’s.

She taped down her “privates’” so she could look like as much of a girl as possible. But that wasn’t the problem.

She didn’t realize the bikini bottom didn’t cover — well -- all of her bottom. She still had, in her opinion, too much flab on her belly. And don’t get her started on her breasts -- or the lack thereof.

“You know, you could wear the one-piece I got you,” Amanda said, peering through the door. “Or you could even go as Nicholas.”

“It’s not that, mom,” Nicole said. She didn’t know how to say what was on her mind.

Amanda walked up and put her arms around her.

“Maybe congratulations are in order, sweetpea,” Amanda said. “You know you’re a normal girl when you worry about your body image. Besides, I think you look cute.”

Actually, Amanda was a bit amazed. Nicole still had a little baby fat on her, which made her body look a little more feminine than perhaps a 12-year-old boy’s should.

She tossed Nicole a t-shirt and a pair of cut-off blue jeans and grabbed the girl’s hands.

“You did this all by yourself?” she asked, admiring the job Nicole did on her fingers and toes.

“Um huh,” Nicole replied. “You taught me well.”

“Can we talk, sweetie?” Amanda said. “Amber and Kayla are taking their time, so I thought we needed to chat.”

“Yes, mom?” Nicole replied.

“You’ve been having nightmares, haven’t you?” Amanda asked.

“Yeah.”.

“What about?” Amanda asked.

“I was back in Boston,” Nicole said. “Uncle Jim took a belt to me for wearing my cousin Shanna’s clothes. My aunt, too. They’d call me ‘queer’ and ‘faggot’. I keep having the same dream over and over.”

“Was it really liked that, I know I haven’t asked you about that?” Amanda asked.

Nicole fought back the tears. “Yes, yes, it was,” she sobbed, trembling.

“And I had another dream, too.”

“I was getting married,” she continued. “I was in a wedding gown. Amber and Kayla were my bridesmaids, all grown up. You were sitting where the bride’s mother’s supposed to sit. Sam was the groom. But then my real mom came in --she was alive -- ripped off my dress and slapped me. ‘Boys aren’t supposed to do that,’ she yelled at me!”

“Oh wow!” Amanda said. She was amazed to hear Nicole describe her dreams in such a way.

“Are you sure you’re only twelve? You sound so grown up,” Amanda said. “Even if Karen were alive, I’m still your real mother, so don’t you ever forget it.”

Nicole nodded her head, still crying. They embraced.

“I do want to ask you a few questions,” Amanda said. “I know a lot has to be going through your mind.”

Nicole nodded her head ‘yes’.

“How do you feel about being Nicole, I mean, all the time?” Amanda said.

“That’s who I want to be, it’s what I want to do,” Nicole answered. “But I’m scared, Mom.”

“You have a right to be,” Amanda said.

“I mean, what if people are like my mother used to be, or my aunt and uncle?” Nicole said. “What if nobody wants to be around me? What if they want to hurt me? I’m scared Sara and Meredith will hate me. Besides Sam, Amber and Kayla, they are the only friends I got.”

“Those are real concerns, sweetheart,” Amanda said. “I don’t know entirely what to tell you. That’s why its important we don’t want to go too fast. I know you don’t like being Nicholas, but right now, that’s your safe harbor.”

“But that’s not who I am,” Nicole moaned.

Amanda had hoped that what Nicole was going through was a phase. But deep down, even she could not deny that Nicole was right. The boy was merely an imperfect shell. Inside was a girl trying to get out.

“It’s something we’ll have to bear for a little while,” Amanda said. “One of these days, you’ll be able to emerge completely as Nicole. When that happens, no matter what else happens, I want you to know I’m right here, standing beside my daughter.”

Amanda got a tissue and wiped the tears from Nicole’s face.

“You know, one of these days, I’m going to have to show you how to put on makeup on this pretty face,” Amanda said. “That time is coming all too soon.”

Nicole nodded her head and smiled.

“Mind if I ask you another question?” Amanda asked.

“No?” Nicole replied.

“How do you feel about Sam?” Amanda said, thinking back to the wedding dream.

“He’s nice. It’s good to know someone else going through the same things as I am,” Nicole said.

Amanda dared not pry further.

“Do me a favor,” she said said. “Try not to grow up too fast. I just got my little girl here a few weeks ago.”

Nicole nodded her head ‘yes’.

Amanda preferred the Nicole who played Barbies with her sisters, twirled a baton and danced ballet. She wasn’t really sure she was ready for boys–a.k.a.–Sam.

“Well, are we ready to go?” Amber asked, peeping through the door.

“Yes, we are, little sis!” Nicole said, picking up Kayla, who was carrying a bucket with a little unicorn inside, along with her beach towel.

*****

It helped that Sam didn’t live in the same town. They lived in Hamilton, which was about 15 miles away.

He was on the diving board doing cannon balls when the Meggs clan pulled up in the driveway.

“He’s such a boy!” Nicole said to Amber.

“That he is,” Amanda replied, laughing as they filed out of the car.

“Come on in,” Gina said, holding the door to the wooden fence. She was holding a drink, wearing a swimsuit with a towel wrapped around.

“Gina, how did you get so tanned?” Amanda asked. “We’re so white!”

“Easy, While the boys swim, I just lie by the pool, relax and watch,” Gina replied.

Just then, Sam took another plunge off the diving board, splashing Nicole and Amber, who jumped and squealed.

“They’re such girls!” Luke exclaimed.

“Alright, boys, that’s enough,” Gina said.

“That’s okay, they’re just having a little fun,” Amanda said.

“Girls, lets get a little sunscreen on before you go in,” Amanda said.

Nicole looked down at her body. “Wow, mom was right, she thought, I am pretty white.”

She noticed Sam sort of staring while Amanda applied the sunscreen. She smiled and winked.

The she laid out her towel on a chair next to where Gina’s and Amanda’s were laying. Amber and Kayla hopped in the shallow end of the pool.

“Aren’t you going to hop in?” Sam asked.

“I want to get some sun first,” Nicole said.

“She’s a lady, Sam, you’re going to have to get used to that,” Gina said. “Nikki, that suit’ is soo cute, where did you get it?”

“Mom got if for me from Sterner’s,” Nicole said.

“I bought her that one and a one-piece,” Amanda said. “She insisted on wearing the bikini.”

“Well I think it looks very nice on you,” Gina said.

It may have annoyed Sam, but Nicole enjoyed being with her mom and Gina. It made her feel more like one of the girls.

But then, the little kid emerged, and she plunged right in.

“Challenge you to a race?” Nicole shouted.

Sam seemed up for the challenge, but Nicole outraced him. Then they engaged in a game of Marco Polo with Luke and Amber.

Sam then set up the volleyball net.

“Boys against girls?” he said.

Nicole nodded. She and Amber took their places at the shallow end. Sam and Luke ended up winning.

“It’s good they play so well together,” Gina said. “Sam doesn’t have a lot of friends.”

“Nikki doesn’t either,” Amanda replied. “She’s worried she’ll lose the few she has if she becomes Nicole full-time some day.”

“What are your thoughts on that?” Gina asked.

“I don’t want her to rush it,” Amanda said. “Besides, Andrea said it’s too early for a diagnosis.”

“Well, what do you think, though?” Gina asked.

“Part of me wants her to revert to being Nicholas,” Amanda said. “But the boy is long gone. I’m convinced he never really existed, just by watching Nicole. But Nicole knows he’s going to have to stay around just a little longer. But one of these days, he’ll probably disappear for good.”

“I’ve been there,” Gina said. “The days of Samantha have long disappeared.”

“Sam’s pretty brave,” Amanda said. “Nicole is going to have to be, too. But that may be a little farther down the road.”

The kids wore themselves out swimming. But the food was really good. Amanda and Gina grilled hamburgers and hot dogs. They also ate chips and some watermelon.

“I’m probably going to have to gather my crew up,” Amanda said, pointing to a sleeping Kayla on one of the chairs by the pool.

“She played herself out,” Gina remarked.

“That she did,” Amanda replied.

“Mom, can I ask you a question?” Sam asked. “Can Nikki and I go to the movies next week?”

“I’m not the one you should be asking,” Gina said, pointing over to Amanda.

“I guess it’s okay, if that’ is what Nikki wants to do,” Amanda said.

Nicole nodded her head ‘yes’.

“Oh boy, it’s starting,” Amanda thought.

“Let’s get our stuff together.”

Nicole gathered Kayla in her arms and carried her to the car.

“Nikki, it’s soo sweet of you to do that,” Amanda said. “You’re such a good big sister.”

*****

There was one advantage to being Nicholas. For Nicole, it was the time she spent with Meredith and Sara.

“Let’s race to the top,” Sara said as the three sat on their bikes looking at the hill at the top of Cedar Street.

“Wow, that’s a pretty steep climb,” Meredith said. “Besides, Nikki’s a boy. He’ll beat us.”

Nicole didn’t know what her friend was talking about. Physically, she was still very much their size.

“I don’t know about that,” Nicole said.

There was a race to the top. Sara won. Nicole barely beat Meredith for second.

“We need to keep in shape,” Sara said. “Madame Ruth will wear us out in ballet class.”

Just then, Meredith had a brilliant idea. She spied Doc’s Ice Cream Shop at the bottom of the other side of the hill.

“I think some ice cream would be good right now,” she said. “But let’s not race to get there.”

“Agreed!” Sara exclaimed as they rode down the hill together.

The three of them each got a couple of scoops of chocolate chip cookie dough. They talked for a little while as they sat in the gazebo outside the shop. Nicole enjoyed every minute of it.

But she also knew she had to head home. She had to get ready for her “date” with Sam.

“I’ve got to go,” she said.

“Why rush off?” Meredith said.

“I’ve got some things I’ve got to do tonight,” Nicole said.

“I do, too,” Sara said. “See you two in class on Monday?”

“I’m looking forward to it,” Nicole said.

They rode together until they reached Nicole’s house. She rushed inside.

“I was wondering what was keeping you, did you girls have fun?” Amanda asked.

“We did, mom,” Nicole said. “Hope you don’t mind, but we had ice cream.”

“Well, it might spoil your dinner, but it’s okay,” Amanda said. “You need your time with your friends.”

Dinner was pretty light, anyway. Soup, sandwiches and chips. Amber seemed as much excited about the night as Nicole.

“What are you going to wear?” she asked.

“I think the little black dress that used to be mom’s,” Nicole said.

“It will look soo cute on you,” Amanda said.

Nicole grabbed her underwear from her drawer and headed straight to the shower. She used the body wash Amanda had gotten her and shampooed her hair. Then she wrapped herself in a towel when Amanda walked in.

“Here’s your makeup,” she said. “Let’s put some on.”

Nicole enjoyed every minute of it as Amanda walked her though putting on the base, the lipstick, the blush, the eyeshadow and the eyeliner.

“Oh my gosh! Who is that girl staring at me in the mirror?” Nicole thought.

“You are so beautiful, sweetpea,” Amanda said.

Nicole sprayed on the perfume and did her nails. She had to do a double-take when she put on her clothes. Even with short hair, people who didn’t know her would have sworn she was born the girl -- the woman -- she was becoming.

It seemed like only a few minutes when the doorbell rang. Sam stood at the door.

“Wow! You look awesome,” he said.

“Doesn’t she though?” Amanda replied.

Nicole giggled when Sam proclaimed, “Our chariot awaits.”

The ‘chariot’ was an SUV, driven by Gina. They were going to Leesburg to the movies. Nicole felt just like Cinderella.

*****

The plan was a simple one. They would watch the movie. They would get a small bite to eat at the little café across the street after it was over. Gina would pick them up.

The movie went according to plan. Sam picked a horror movie. Nicole didn’t care too much for them, but this one seemed fine.

She tried to play like she wasn’t afraid and thought it was cute when Sam held her hand.

Then her heart sank toward the end of the movie; sitting a couple of rows up was Sara, with a boy.

She tried not let on to Sam what was going on. Maybe they could slip out to the movies without Sara recognizing her.

As they were walking out at the end of the movie–her greatest fear was realized–but not in the manner she was expecting.

“Sam!” Nicole heard Sara shout.

“How do you know Sara?” Nicole whispered.

“She’s my cousin,” Sam said.

Nicole could not have been more shocked. Their chance for a great escape was gone.

“Hey Sam, I want you to meet Dan!” Sara said. She didn’t recognize Nicole at first.

“Aren’t you going to introduce me to your date?” Sara asked.

Nicole did her best to look away. It didn’t work.

“Nikki?…oh my gosh!” Sara exclaimed.

Poor Dan was the only clueless one in the bunch. Sam didn’t know what to say. Nicole had the look of pure fear on her face and looked for the nearest place to run.

Sara sensed it.

“Boys, do you mind if Nikki and I go to the bathroom for a sec…it’s a girl thing,” Sara said.

Sam was curious as to what was going on. So was Dan.

Sara and Nikki walked into the girls’ restroom and sat down.

“Are you going to hate me because you’ve seen me like this?” Nicole said. “You must think I’m a freak.”

“Oh, Nikki, of course I don’t,” Sara said. “I know why you feel that way, but it’s okay. I support Sam. So why wouldn’t I support you? I think it’s sweet you guys have found each other. Sam has been through such a hard time. Besides, you look amazingly beautiful as a girl!”

“You’re not going to tell anyone, are you?” Nicole asked.

“My mom and Sam’s mom are sisters,” Sara said. “You don’t mind if I tell her? Other than that your secret is safe with me. Mom and I are about the only ones in the family that have anything to do with Sam’s family.”

They walked out of the restroom hand in hand.

“What took you girls so long?” Dan asked. “Girls! Go figure?”

“You okay?” Sam asked.

“Yeah, I think so,” Nicole said, still very much in a state of shock.

“Nikki and I are buds,” Sara told Dan. “She’s a dancer like me.”

They walked over to the café together. Even though things didn’t go as planned, it seemed to work out even better.

Nicole at least knew she had one friend who would stand by her.

“You don’t mind if I come by tomorrow, do you?” Sara asked. She wanted to know more. “Mom might want to come, too.”

“I’ll have to ask my mom,” Nicole said.

Just then, Gina pulled up.

“Hey, Aunt Gina!” Sara shouted.

“Sara, what are you doing here?” Gina replied.

“Dan and I are on a date…sort of,” Sara replied. “We met at a drama camp. Mom’s going to hate it she missed you.”

Gina was a bit surprised that Sara knew Nicole.

“Sweetie, you had to be really scared when you saw her,” she told Nicole on the way home.

“You’ve got nothing to worry about,” Gina said. “Sara’s a very grounded girl. She’s been very supportive of Sam.”

Just then they pulled up at Nicole’s house.

“May I walk you to your door?” Sam asked Nicole.

“That would be sweet, Sam, thank you,” she replied, linking arms as they walked to the door.

“Sam, I had a wonderful time,” Nicole said. “Weird, but wonderful.”

She then surprised him and herself by what she did next.

She gave him a kiss on the cheek. Sam smiled.

The light came on and Amanda peeked through the window.

“How did it go, sweetpea?” she asked.

“Let’s just say we have a lot to talk about, mom,” Nicole replied.

Chapter Eight

Screaming, weeping, sobbing.

Those were the sounds Amanda heard coming from the bathroom. Amber and Kayla were already in bed.

Nicole was taking a bath. Amanda rushed into the room to find out what the matter was.

“It’s ugly, it’s ugly,” Nicole said, pointing to her private parts. “I want it off, mom. I want it off. It’s gross.”

Amanda struggled to find the words to say. She sat on the edge of the tub and put her arms around Nicole, who was covered with suds from the bubble bath she made.

“Sweetie, I know,” Amanda said.

Rocking her, she did her best to comfort Nicole.

“It’s going to be okay,” Amanda said. “It’s going to be okay. When you’re old enough, I’ll take you to the hospital and we’ll get it fixed, I promise.”

“You mean I’ll have -- ” Nicole struggled for words. “I’ll be just like you, Amber and Kayla?”

“Yes, you’ll have a vagina just like ours,” Amanda said. “That’s what it’s called.”

“Why can’t I get it done now?” Nicole asked, still weeping.

“Oh, sweetie, there may yet come a time when you might not want to be a girl,” Amanda explained. “If they let you do it now, they wouldn’t be able to change you back into a boy, if you wanted to do that.”

Nicole gave Amanda a strange look as she dried off and grabbed her panties from the counter.

“Mom, I’m not a boy,” Nicole said with a little resolve–well as much as a 12-year-old girl could have.

Amanda didn’t argue the point. Nicole’s soul echoed her words. But Amanda wondered if cruel experience would change her mind some day.

“Well, if that girl wants to change her body, I’ll help her do it,” Amanda said, trying to assure her daughter.

“In a few years, they’ll let you take a special medication that will help you develop into a woman,” She explained. At times, Nicole seemed mature beyond her years, but Amanda wasn’t entirely sure if she understood the concept of hormones.

“It will help you get hips like mine,” Amanda said. “But you might not want to be as fat as I am.”

“Oh no, mom, you’re beautiful, I want to look just like you,” Nicole replied.

“You’re beautiful, too, sweetpea,” Amanda replied, kissing her on the forehead.

She grabbed a comb and began to brush Nicole’s hair. It was beautiful and blonde and was starting to grow out.

“Will the medicine help me grow boobs?” Nicole asked.

“It might help you grow breasts,” Amanda said, giving her a hug. “But if not, we can fix that, too.”

That brought a smile to Nicole’s face and Amanda seemed really relieved as she led her new daughter to bed and tucked her in.

“I want you to have pleasant dreams tonight, angel,” she said before giving Nicole a kiss on the cheek.

“I love you, Mom,” came the reply as Amanda turned off the light.

“I love you, too, sweetiepie, now get some sleep.”.

Sleep wasn’t something Amanda did much these days. She wondered about the life Nicole faced.

Surgery, even hormones, could help her grow better in her own skin. But there were things that wouldn’t be able to happen. It saddened Amanda that Nicole would not be able to experience childbirth.

The only way she could have children, if she ended up having surgery at a young age, would be to adopt or marry someone who already had children. She didn’t even know if adoption were an option in a country as conservative as the U.S.

But those were battles, struggles that were far off in the distance. What kept Amanda up at night were the problems Nicole would face in the present.

It was bad enough that she felt trapped in the wrong body. But she was about to start middle school in a few days. All her life, she would likely face people who wouldn’t accept her. But Amanda knew only too well that middle school children could be among the cruelest she would ever face.

Amanda knelt to pray before going to bed. She wanted answers as to how to guide Nicole through the transition that was to come. She also prayed, somewhat selfishly, that perhaps Nicole would change, that perhaps a life as Nicholas would somehow become appealing again.

That would be the easy way out, but Nicole seemed determined to take the hard way.

It was a way, Amanda thought, that might seem to be the right way.

****

“Shhhhh,” Nicole said, pressing her finger on her lips as she led Amber and Kayla into the kitchen. “Mom’s tired. She needs her sleep.”

She reached into the cabinet and pulled out three bowls. She got a box of cereal and poured it into the bowls, then got some milk out of the refrigerator and poured some on top the cereal.

Nicole loved the role of being a big sister.

She made toast and poured three glasses of orange juice.

“You’re being like mom,” Amber said, her mouth full of Cheerios.

Nicole smiled.

“Thank you, sweetpea,” Nicole said, kissing Amber of the forehead much like Amanda had done to her.

“Um…Amber’s not sweetpea, you are,” little Kayla said. “She’s punkin drop!”

“Oh yeah…” Nicole said, forgetting Amanda’s pet name for Amber.

“Thank you, doodle-bug,” she said, kissing Kayla on her forehead after remembering her name.

“Nikki, can we play Barbies?” Kayla asked.

“Why sure!” she said. “But first, we’ve got to finish breakfast and put everything away.”

The sisters put the dishes in the dishwasher, then ran upstairs, grabbed Barbies, Barbie houses, cars and clothes.

Nicole wondered if she were too old to play with Barbies. But it didn’t matter. It was something she had been denied most of her life.

They drove their cars, talked about their Barbies’ dates to the prom.

“Is your Barbie’s boyfriend named Sam, Nikki?” Amber teased.

“Sam? Who’s Sam?” Nicole teased back, trying to be a little coy.

Amanda heard the giggling. She grabbed her housecoat and came down downstairs to see what was going on. She stood outside the doorway, at first, not wanting her “girls” to see that she was watching.

She grabbed a cup of coffee, and sat down on the sofa and watched them play.

“Mom, am I too old to play with Barbies?” Nicole asked at one point.

“Oh no, sweetpea,” Amanda said. “You’re never to old to play Barbies with your sisters.”

They played for a couple of hours. Then Amber had another idea.

“Let’s play majorettes!” she suggested.

Nicole helped Kayla wriggle into her little spangled leotard. Amber came prancing out in her own.

Nicole then put on Amanda’s old uniform and glared at it in the mirror.

“Try these on, they used to be mom’s,” Amber said, handing her a pair of white boots.

Amazingly enough, they fitted perfectly. Amanda was amazed as Nicole came down the stairs and modelled her outfit.

Amanda felt as if someone had placed her in a time machine–it was almost like she was watching herself in her preteen or early teen years.

She watched them as they went into the garage to twirl. The girls lost track of time and were still twirling when the doorbell rang.

“I wished I had brought my suit,” Sara said, surprising them in the garage.

“Girls, we’re going shopping for school clothes and supplies with Sara and her mom,” Amanda said.

“Well, guess I’ve got to change,” Nicole said, looking a little sad.

“You look awesome,” Sara whispered. She was just as amazed how much Nicole looked like a girl in a majorette uniform as she was when she saw her with Sam at the movies in a dress.

“I have to admit, Mandy, I’m really amazed how much Nikki looks like a girl,” Sara’s mom, Julia remarked. “Sara told me how she looked at the movies and I didn’t believe her.”

Nicole quickly changed. Her demeanor changed as much as her clothes. Sara noticed and did her best to cheer her up.

“You look pretty hip as a boy,” Sara said. “You may look like Nicholas but you’re still Nicole to me.”

“Thanks,” Nicole said.

Nicole played it close to the vest when they arrived at the store. She tried to give Sara weird looks when Sara found an outfit and modeled it for her She strutted “his” stuff when modeling boys’ clothes for her.

“People are going to talk about you two,” a familiar voice said. It was Meredith. She was there shopping for clothes and supplies with her mom, too.

It made things a little more fun. The three critiqued clothes before taking them to the “mom squad” for their approval.

They also tried to get the “hippest” school supplies.

“Want to come over tonight?” Meredith asked Sara.

Nicole looked at her friend, curious about an answer. She knew that Meredith only knew him as Nicholas. She knew that excluded “him” from consideration.

“Can’t,” Sara said. “We’re going to church with my cousin Sam tomorrow.”

“Sam?” Meredith said. “Isn’t that the girl who thinks she’s a boy?”

“Sam is a boy,” Sara said, correcting her friend. “He’s just stuck in the wrong body.”

“I still think that’s a bit weird, don’t you, Nikki?” asked Meredith.

Sara was interested in how Nicole would reply.

“No, I don’t,” Nicole said.

“Sam’s pretty cool, once you get to know him,” Sara said.

“Hate to interrupt your conversation, you three!” Sara’s mother said. “But we’ve got to go.”

“Don’t let what Meredith said upset you,” Sara said. “She’s really sweet, be she just doesn’t really understand.”

“But how will she react when she finds out about me?” Nicole asked.

“What are you two talking about?” Amanda asked.

“Meredith said what Sam is going through is a little weird,” Sara said. “I was worried Nikki would be a little upset.”

“You didn’t have to tell them,” Nicole whispered.

“That’s okay, Nikki,” Julia Lewis said. “Meredith just doesn’t understand.”

“Do you think she ever will?” Nicole asked. “I want her to be my friend. But I want her to accept me as me.”

That was an answer Sara, Julia and Amanda could not answer.

Sara realized it was time to change the subject.

“Mom, can I ask her now?” Sara said.

“Sure, but you’ve got to ask her mom first,” Julia replied.

“Ask what?” Amanda asked.

Nicole was just as curious.

“Can Nikki spend the night and go to church with us tomorrow?” Sara asked.

Amanda looked at Nicole, who nodded her head ‘yes’.

“That will be fine,” Amanda said. “But there is just one problem,. Nikki doesn’t have anything to wear to church.”

“That’s not a problem,” Julia said. “Sara has some really nice dresses. I’m sure they can find something for her to wear.”

Amanda and Nicole looked really puzzled.

“It’s a Unitarian church,” Julia explained. “Gina and the boys have been going there for a while. They wouldn’t have a problem with Nikki wearing a dress.”

“Besides,” Sara added, nobody will know her there. They won’t know Nikki’s in the wrong body.”

Nicole was really excited. This was her first chance to actually go to a sleepover. Deep down, she was also excited about seeing Sam again.

Sara helped Nicole pack.

“No Nicholas clothes allowed on this trip,” Sara said. “It’s just the girls.”

“But what if someone sees me?” Nicole asked.

“Our windows are tinted,” Julia said. “No one will know you are anything else but a girl.”

“Have fun, sweetpea,” Amanda told her as Nicole climbed into Sara’s mom’s car.

“Call me if there are any problems,” Amanda said.

“Don’t worry, she’ll be fine,” Julia said.

It turned out to be a really fun evening. They watched videos from Sara’s dance recitals and competitions.

“One of these days, you’ll be in them,” Sara said. She did her best to teach her friend jazz and ballet combinations up in the Lewis’s rec room.

Nicole was having the time of her life and the dancing wore them both out.

“You’re going to be a great dancer, Nikki,” Sara said. “One of these days, you, I and Meredith will be on a jazz dance team together.”

“But with me as Nicholas?” Nicole asked.

“No, silly, as Nicole,” Sara reassured her. “We’ll make her understand.”

Nicole hoped so and then changed the subject.

“What was Sam like when he was little?” she asked.

“Well, Sam always liked boys things,” Sara said. “Never wanted to play with girls’ things. I tried to get ‘her’ to play dolls with me, but she didn’t want to do it. Sam always wanted to play boys’ games, wear boys’ clothes. All of the sudden, he started saying he was a boy.”

It sounded familiar to Nicole. But things were a little different.

Although some of Sam’s family rejected him and he lost a few friends, he always had the support of his mother and brother. He also had the support of Sara and her mother.

Sam was able to be who he really was inside, even when he was very little. But things were still hard.

He and his mom were kicked out of church. There were problems at one of the schools he went to about him living as a boy.

“You think I’m going to go through the same things?” Nicole asked her friend.

“I dunno., maybe,” Sara said. “I don’t know how they’ll react at Franklin Middle if you show up as a girl.”

That was still a long way off. But Nicole wondered how Meredith would react.

“We’ll introduce Nicole to her before that,” Sara said. “We’ll just have to pick the right time.”

That would be a frightening time, Nicole thought.

“That’s not something we need to worry about tonight,” Sara said.

Instead, they spent the rest of the night talking girl talk. Sara had rented just about every dance movie known to man, including her favorite, Center Stage. Nicole liked it too.

****

The two girls did their best getting “dolled up” for church. They painted each other’s fingers and toenails. Sara let Nicole borrow a pair of earrings. Julia helped them both with makeup.

Sara pulled out slips and dresses. They both slipped on hose. They wore headbands that matched their dresses.

Sara then pulled out a present.

“You didn’t have to get me anything,” Nicole said.

“Oh yeah, I did,” Sara said. “Open it!”

Nicole fought through the wrapping paper. It was a purse. It looked exactly like the one Sara had.

“I bought it after I saw you and Sam at the movies,” Sara said.

“Girls, you need to hurry up, we’ll be late for church,” Julia shouted from downstairs.

“We’re coming, mom!” Sara said.

“Oh wow! Both of you look really gorgeous,” Julia said when the two friends came down the stairs. “Wait until Gina and Sam get a load of you two.”

The church was an interesting place. There were a couple of adult transgendered people there. There were a couple of lesbian couples. There were also gay male couples. It was an accepting atmosphere.

Julia introduced Nicole to the minister. Nicole shocked her when she told the minister she was a transgendered person like Sam.

“No one would ever have ever guessed that,’ the minister said.

“Well hello, ladies!” a familiar voice said. It was Gina. “Sorry, we’re late.”

“Mom was late,” Sam said, matter of factly.

“It takes us girls longer to get ready,” Sara said.

“Yeah, you try to paint your nails and put on makeup,” a confident Nicole responded.

Sam smiled. “You guys look great.”

“Glad you brought Nikki,” Gina told Julia.

“It was Sara’s idea,” Julia said. “It was Nikki’s first sleepover. Those two really had fun last night.

“So Sam, played any Guitar Hero lately?” Sara asked him.

“He’s hooked,” Sara whispered to Nicole.

“I noticed,” Nicole whispered, telling her about the swim party they had over his house.

“Oh, I played until about two in the morning,” Sam said.

“I had to finally tell him to shut it off,” Gina said.

The service was nice. Julia told Gina she would invite Amanda to the church.

“I think you guys would like going to church as a family” she asked Nicole.

Nicole agreed.

“We’re grilling out after church,” Sam said. “Mom said you guys are coming over.”

Nicole was surprised.

“Don’t worry, Nikki, your mom knows,” Julia said. “I packed you and Sara a couple of suits.”

“Good,” Nicole told Sam. “I’ll get to harass you and Luke.”

The pool party turned out to be a nice activity to do before school started.

Nicole borrowed tape and taped down her privates. She and Sara wore matching suits.

Sara taught Nicole how to dive off the diving board. Sam tried to teach them both how to do cannon balls, but they would have none of that.

“It’s not lady-like,” Sara protested.

“I kind of like it that you want to be lady-like,” Sam told Nicole, who blushed.

“Am I too young to have a boyfriend?” Nicole asked Sara.

“Well…mom said I can’t go on a real date until I’m at least 15,” Sara replied. “But I like Dan and we went to the movies like you and Sam did. I also know that Sam wants you to be his girlfriend.”

That caught Nicole off guard. She liked Sam, she really did. But she didn’t know if she were ready for that.

“He does?” Nicole asked. “I don’t know if I’m ready for that, yet.”

“Can’t blame you,” Sara said. “He also said he didn’t want to rush you. He really wants you as a friend.”

The feeling was mutual, Nicole thought. They were very much kindred spirits.

To Be Continued…

Chapters 9-10

Chapter 9

It was a phone call Amanda feared would come. She just didn't expect it so soon.

Nicole was in the school nurse's office. She had been beaten up.

Amanda rushed from her office. She tried her best to do the speed limit, but she ran a red light getting to the school.

"Your brother is in the room right down the hall," the school secretary said.

She found Nicole with a fat lip. She appeared to have a black eye.

"It looks like you have a pretty good shiner, sweetpea," Amanda said, taking a wet cloth from the nurse and wiping Nicole's wounds.

"I'm sorry mom," Nicole replied.

"Tell me what happened," Amanda said.

"Some boys were picking on me in P.E.," Nicole said. "They kept calling me a sissy. I told them to stop."

One of the boys, a rather large one, told Nicole to stop them from picking on her. He then shoved her.

Nicole tried to fight back, swinging, but missing. The large boy swung, but didn't miss.

"Oh baby, it's not your fault," Amanda said.

She was furious when she found out how the teasing started. The P.E. teacher, Coach Tanner, called Nicole "Miss Priss."

Amanda stormed out of the nurse's office, telling Nicole she would be back. She headed to the coach's office.

"No offense, ma'am, but Nicholas is not like other boys," Coach Tanner said when Amanda confronted him. "He needs to toughen up. Maybe living in a house where he is the only boy has made him the way he is."

Amanda was seething.

"Maybe sh...he is not like other boys," Amanda said, almost slipping. "He is gentle, sweet and smart. He shouldn't have to worry that one of his teachers would start the teasing."

She not only exchanged words with the P.E. teacher, but the principal as well. Amanda demanded an apology. She threatened to complain to the school board.

Nicole was silent on the ride home. Even being in Nicholas mode didn't protect her from teasing and taunting.

That bothered Amanda. There was no denying Nicole was different. Her mannerisms screamed girl even if her appearance was that of a boy.

Amanda struggled for words to say, any way to comfort her daughter and the struggle she faced.

*****

"Wow, that's a rough looking black eye!" Meredith said as they stretched at the barre. "What happened?"

"Some boys were teasing Nikki in P.E.," Sara said. "He got into a fight."

"Looks like he lost," Meredith said. "We've got to do something to cheer him up."

Perhaps words of encouragement during ballet class would lift her up, Sara thought.

"Nice unitard, it suits you," she said before they began barre work.

"Thanks," Nicole said.

"Ladies and gentleman, it is time to stop talking," Madame Ruth said. "It's time to start dancing."

The dance class proved to be the medicine Nicole needed. Even though she was dressed differently than the other girls (Amanda bought him a "unisex" unitard to at least give Nicole a more feminine appearance, even if a little more subtle.)

She felt graceful, beautiful and elegant. Madame Ruth at times tried to get her to dance more "manly", but it didn't quite work too well.

"You still dance very beautifully," she said. "I am amazed by your ability even after a few classes."

Nicole liked everything about the class. She liked the plies, the tendus, the grande battements. She liked the pretty jumps and turns. Her soul seemed to flow with the music.

She was amazed by how quickly the class went.

"Sorry about what happened to you during school today," Meredith said.

"Thanks Meredith," Nicole said. "But it was nothing, really."

"It's not nothing," Sara said. "Those boys are so mean. Coach Tanner is a joke."

"A rather cruel joke," Meredith said.

"I hate P.E., I hate it, I hate it," Nicole said.

It wasn't just the teasing. It was the fact that she had to change clothes in front of the boys. She hated her body as it was. That just made it worse.

"I have an idea," Meredith said. "We could try out for dance team. Then dance team would be our P.E. class."

Nicole liked the idea of being in a P.E. class with other girls. But she also worried that would make things worse. If the boys though she was "sissy" now, what would they do if they found out he was on the dance team, much less taking ballet.

"I don't think I'm good enough of a dancer," Nicole replied.

"Of course you are, Nikki," Meredith said.

Sara, though, also worried if that would make things worse, rather than better. But she also thought it would be fun.

She also wondered if Nicole would be better off at a private school like the one Sam attended. It was what her mother called a school that taught tolerance. Sam was allowed to be a boy at the school. Nicole would be allowed to be a girl.

But she dared not suggest it. It would get Meredith wondering what was going on with Nicole. Sara felt for sure Meredith wasn't quite ready for such earth shattering news.

Besides, she enjoyed having Nicole around. She was becoming just as close a friend as Meredith. She was also becoming more like a sister.
*****

"So how was dance class?" Amanda asked Nicole after they returned home.

"It was fun," Nicole said. "I had a really good time with Sara and Meredith."

"They are becoming good friends for you aren't they?" Amanda said.

"Yeah, we're buds," Nicole said, imitating Meredith, although she wondered how much of a "bud" Meredith would be if she found out the truth about the real Nicole.

"Madame Ruth tells me you're doing very good in class," Amanda asked. "She even mentioned something about you and Amber both being in the Nutcracker this year."

"Really?" Nicole asked. That really peaked her interest. Sara once told her dancers weren't asked to be in it during their first year of classes unless they were really good.

"Yes," Amanda said. "She's really impressed with how well you pick things up. She says you move with the music really well. But she did say you moved too much like a girl. But you dance so well, she isn't about to change."

That actually made Nicole feel good, especially after what happened at school.

Amanda asked how Nicole felt after how things went at school. Nicole told her about Meredith's suggestion that she try out for the dance team to avoid being in a P.E. class with a bunch of bullies. "I know you like dance, but do you really think that is a good idea?"
Amanda asked.

"Probably not, mom," Nicole said as she went to take a bath.

Nicole tried her best to act as feminine and look it while she took a bath. She tucked her "ugly, gross thing" between her legs so she would look more like a girl.

She put on a nightgown after the bath. Nicole walked into the living room where Amber and Kayla were also wearing nightgowns and watching television.

"We're watching Hannah Montana again?" Nicole asked, but she only meant to be teasing.

"Hannah Montana is my favorite show," Kayla chimed in.

"Of course it is," Amber laughed.

Kayla had Hannah Montana posters and clothes. She even named their puppy "Miley."

Amanda joined the girls in the living room. It was one of her favorite times of day.

She enjoyed watching her girls spend time together. She enjoyed spending time with them. She brushed all three of the girls hair.

It was a relaxing time.

She also used the time to talk to friends on the telephone. Amanda spent part of this night talking to Gina. She shared what happened to Nicole. Gina was already aware. Sara called Sam and told him about it.

The story had a very familiar ring to it.

"Oh yeah, we went through the same thing with Sam," Gina said. "The kids at the school he used to attend were very cruel. Sam put up with the dyke and butch jokes all the time."

"What did you do about it?" Amanda asked.

"Well, Sam put up with it as long as he could," Gina said. "Once we made the decision for Sam to live as a boy fulltime, Andrea recommended a private school where Sam goes now. They are really accepting where Sam goes now. Sam no longer dreads school,"

Amanda thought a special private school might be a good idea. But she didn't want to rush into a decision, just like she didn't want to rush Nicole into a decision about her gender identity.

There may come a time when Nicole would live as a girl fulltime. But Amanda wasn't quite sure they reached that time yet. She wanted Nicole to go to a few more sessions with Andrea before, or if, that time ever came.

In the meantime she hoped Nicole would be safe as Nicholas at Franklin Middle School.

It would help, she thought, if the teachers didn't take part in the teasing. That part still made her furious.

Nicole helped Amanda put Kayla to bed after her littlelist one fell asleep watching the Disney Channel.

Nicole carried Kayla upstairs to her room, where Amanda tucked the preschool-aged cherub into bed.

"Sweet dreams little one," Nicole whispered.

She followed as Amanda led a groggy Amber to bed.

Then Amanda put her arm around Nicole and led her into her room.

"I love you sweetpea," she said as sat at Nicole's bedside.

"I don't really want to go to school," Nicole said.

"I can't say that I blame you, little one," Amanda said, brushing aside a few of Nicole's strands of hair from her face. "You've got to be brave, ya know?"

"I know," Nicole answered.

"There have got to be some things you do like about school," Amanda said.

"Well, art is pretty fun," Nicole said. "Some of my teachers are pretty cool. Then there are Sara and Meredith."

"It's great you have them," Amanda said. "By the way, Gina told me that Sam went through some of the same things you are going through at his old school."

"What did they do about it?" Nicole asked.

"Well, once Sam started living as a boy all the time, he started going to a cool private school," Amanda said.

"Is that something we might do?" Nicole asked.

"Maybe, but I don't want to rush into anything right now," Amanda said. She seemed to be giving that answer a lot to Nicole.

"I don't want to rush into anything either, mom," Nicole said. "But mom, I won't ever want to change back into a boy. I want to be a girl all the time. I want to grow up to be a woman."

Amanda thought about Nicole making breakfast for the girls. She thought about her helping to put Kayla to bed.

"You know, there is more to being a woman that your body," Amanda said. "It's also about what is going on up here (she pointed to Nicole's head). I think you are blossoming into a very beautiful young woman already."

Nicole smiled. It made her feel good. She longed for the day when she felt complete.

Chapter 10

It was the first time Nicole went to therapy dressed as Nicole. Dr. Dornan had requested it.

She looked like a typical pre-teen. She wore faded jeans and a tank top, with the straps from her training bra occasionally showing. She also painted her nails and wore her butterfly earrings.

"You look really nice," Andrea Dornan said.

Nicole blushed. "Thank you."

Andrea asked Nicole about her nightmares. She admitted she still had them, although they weren't as frequent.

She asked her about her friends. Nicole talked about how supportive Sara was. She talked about Meredith, how she worried about losing her as a friend if she found out about the real Nicole.

"Would she be a real friend if she didn't accept you for who you are?" Andrea asked.

"No?" Nicole answered.

"I know it's a bit complicated for you to understand," Andrea said.

Nicole knew more than Dr. Dornan realized.

Andrea also asked Nicole about Sam and what she thought of him.

"I like him a lot," Nicole said. "He's very brave."

"I would think he would think the very same about you," Andrea said.

"But he lives as Sam all of the time," Nicole answered. "I don't live as Nicole all of the time."

"How would you feel about living as Nicole all of the time?" Andrea asked.

"I want to be Nicole all the time," Nicole said. "I am Nicole all of the time. I just have to dress as Nicholas. I don't want to have to dress as Nicholas. But I'm scared."

"You're scared someone is going to bully you, hurt you, like they did at school?" Andrea asked.

"Yes," Nicole answered. She was starting to cry.

"It's okay, it's okay," Andrea said.

"Why do people have to be mean to me?" Nicole said. "Why do they want to hurt me? Mom says it's because I'm different."

"Your mom is right," Andrea said. "I wish it was not that way, but it is."

Andrea then asked Nicole about the bathroom incident.

"How to you feel about your body?" Andrea said.

"I hate it," Nicole said. "I hate the thing between my legs. I hate it. I want it off."

"Have you ever tried to cut it off?" Andrea asked.

"I thought about it," Nicole said. "I couldn't do it."

"Good girl," Andrea said. "That can be very dangerous. You could kill yourself."

Nicole nodded her head in agreement.

"Mom said I can have surgery to have it fixed," Nicole said.

"Yes, if you want to continue on that journey," Andrea said. She knew it was a journey Nicole wanted to complete. "We will do what we can to help you."

Andrea made Nicole take a test before the session was over. She then led Nicole to the waiting room.

"I need to talk to your mom for a few minutes," Andrea said. "Wait out here. It won't be too long."

"Have a seat Amanda," Andrea said.

"So, what's the verdict?," Amanda said.

"This isn't a trial," Andrea said.

"I know it isn't," Amanda said. "I guess I just want answers. I guess I'm looking for some magical solution."

She was informed there was no magical solution.

"I had Nikki do a little test," Andrea said. "I'll have the results by her next session."

"What will they say?" Amanda asked.

"Probably no more than we already know," Andrea said. "I had the feeling I was talking to a 12-year-old girl in there."

"You were," Amanda said.

"Nicole has crossed the Rubicon," Andrea said. "I don't believe there will be any going back."

"Andy, we've been friends since college," Amanda said. "My baby's a girl. Perhaps it would be the easy way to go back. Perhaps it would be the safe way. But Andy, I don't think going back is the right thing to do. Is it selfish that I don't want her to go back."

"No it's not," Andrea said. "You're a mother. You want what's best for your child."

The struggle was what road needed to be taken next.

There were a lot of things to consider, especially if Nicole lived as a girl fulltime. At the top of the list what to do about schools.

Would the public system Nicole now attended accept her as a girl? Would the parents? Would the other students?

Andrea suggested the private school Sam attended. She gave Amanda some literature on the school.

"Sam isn't the only transgendered student who attends there," Andrea said. "There are also gay and lesbian students who attend. But I know attending another school can be difficult."

There was also just going out in general public. Would Nicole be able to continue activities like dance? How would it impact Amber and Kayla?

The mention of hormone blockers, eventually taking female hormones. There were a lot of issues to consider.

"There is a conference coming up for gender variant children," Andrea said. "I know Gina is planning on taking Sam. I hear her sister is also going and will be taking her daughter. It's for families as well as for children. I really think it would be very beneficial for Nicole and for you."

Andrea again handed her literature.

"I know it's a difficult road," Andrea said. "It's good she has you."

"Well, I know I'm lucky to have her, too," Amanda said. "My family is not complete without her."

She walked out into the waiting room. Nicole was reading a magazine.

"Let's go sweetpea," Amanda said. "I'm sure the girls are having fun with Lindsey. What do you say you and I do a mother-daughter thing."

"Sure mom, I'd love to do that," Nicole said.

Amanda called her baby sitter to make sure it was fine that she and Nicole stayed out for a couple of hours.

They hit Starbucks for coffee. They also went to the bookstore. Nicole picked out a couple of young adult books.

They also hit the stores to do a little shopping. Amanda bought Nicole a couple of pairs of jeans and cute tops.

They stopped at the place where Amanda shopped for workout clothes. She bought matching leggings and tops.

"Amber is not old enough," Amanda said. "But I think you're the right age to go to yoga with me on Saturday mornings. I think it will really help you."

"That would be really cool, mom!" Nicole said.

*****

"This would look really cool on you," Sara said after she pulled the dress from the closet.

"Oh wow! That looks really nice," Nicole said.

"I'll wear this one," Sara said, pulling a matching dress from the closet.

They were going on "a double date" with Sam and Dan. Sara's mother was going to be the chaperone.

They were going to eat at an Italian restaurant. They were also going skating.

"Don't you think the dresses are a bit much for skating?" Nicole teased.

"Oh no, we want to look really nice for the boys," Sara said.

She put a necklace around Nicole's neck. Nicole put one around Sara's. They also did each other's hair and nails. Julia helped them with their makeup.

Gina dropped Sam off.

"Wow, you look really hip, cuz!" Sara said.

Nicole looked him over.

"You do look really nice," Nicole said.

"You do, too," Sam said. "You both do."

"Why thank you!" Sara said.

The filed into Julia's SUV. Julia picked Dan up along the way.

"How has the acting been going?" Sara asked.

"We're doing High School Musical," Dan said.

Dan didn't have a lead role, but he said it was fun anyway.

"That sounds pretty cool," Nicole said.

"Nicole and I are going to be in the Nutcracker," Sara said.

"Um...I don't know about that." Nicole said, fearing her "secret" would get out. As far as she knew, Dan didn't suspect a thing.

"You'll have to excuse Nikki," Sam said. "This is her first year in dance. She's a little nervous."

Nice save, Sam, Nicole thought.

They stopped at Franco's Italian Grille.

"They have the best lasagna!" Sara said.

Julia tried to keep from giggling during the meal. She watched Sara and Nicole struggle not to get anything on them before they went skating. They were very proper, keeping napkins on their laps. They also made sure to wipe every speck off their faces.

The skating rink turned into an adventure, at least for Nicole. She had never gone skating, not even as Nicholas.

Sara did her best to help her.

"You're doing the robot," she said with a laugh.

Nicole had quite a few spills on the floor. She tried her best to keep her skirt down.

"I told you wearing dresses skating wasn't a good idea," Nicole told her friend.

"Nonsense!" Sara said. "So you're not Tara Lipinski. But we'll have you skating in no time."

"Wow, he's really good," Nicole said.

"Sam and I were skating before we could walk," Sara said. "It's one of the few things we have in common."

Suddenly, the D.J. called for a couple's dance.

Fear came across Nicole's face.

"Oh it will be fun," Sam said, reaching for Nicole's hand. He pulled her up.

"You can trust me," Sam said.

He held her close. They skated a little slowly. Sam taught Nicole how to rock and sway to the music.

The theme song to the movie Titanic came on. Nicole giggled.

"What are you laughing about," Sam said.

"Of course I trust you, Jack," she giggled.

"Spread your arms out, Rose" he told her, keeping with the Titanic theme. He held her waist.

"I'm flying!" Nicole said, half mockingly. She had to admit it was pretty fun.

"You two looked really good out there," Sara said.

"Why thank you!" Sam said. "You guys looked pretty good out there, too."

"Well, Sara looked pretty good out there," Dan said.

"We'll work on your skating, too," Sara said, giving him a punch.

Nicole couldn't remember the last time she had such a great time. All of her struggles seemed so far away,

"You guys seemed like you had a really good time," Julia said on the drive home.

"We really did, Mrs. Lewis," Nicole said.

After they dropped Dan off, Sam asked Nicole if she and her mother were going to the conference in San Francisco.

"Mom and I've talked about it," she said. "We're probably going to go. But we don't know for sure yet."

"I hope you go," Sam said. "It's always helped me."

"I'm going to be going," Sara said. "I think it would be really cool if you went."

"Well, we're here," Julia said, pulling up to Nicole's house.

"Can I walk you to the door?" Sam asked.

"I would be offended if you didn't," Nicole said. She loved being treated like a lady. She winked at Sara.

He grabbed her arm and walked her to the door.

"Nikki, would you mind if I kissed you on the cheek," Sam said.

"Last time, I was the forward one," Nicole thought.

She grinned. She blushed. She nodded.

He gave her a peck on the cheek.

Nicole noticed they had an audience. Amanda, Amber and Kayla were looking at them through the window.

"So, sweetpea, did you have a good time?" Amanda asked as Nicole walked through the front door.

"Oh mom, it was so much fun," Nicole said.

*****

"Harvard, Yale?" Amanda whispered as they were doing a yoga pose.

"Nope, to close to Boston," Nicole said.

Amanda understood. She was just proud of the grades Nicole was making, even through the struggles at school.

"You are a very smart girl," Amanda said as they were doing a pose Nicole thought was a crouching dog. "Maybe you'll be a Wellesly girl."

A women's college, now that was a novel idea Nicole thought.

"I think I want to stay around here," Nicole said.

Yoga turned out to be a very idea. It gave Amanda a really good chance to bond with Nicole.

Nicole enjoyed doing the prayer pose and something called the pidgeon.

"I think ballet has really made you flexible, sweetpea," Amanda said.

"So this is Nikki," said Leah, the yoga instructor. "I wished more mothers brought their daughters."

"It really was a good idea, mom," Nicole said.

"Nikki, I was really impressed by how well you did," Leah said. "I guess being a dancer helped?"

"It does," Nicole said. "Madame Ruth also says yoga helps ballet, too, especially with balance."

"You know, I'm glad we're doing this," Amanda said on the drive home. "There are things I do with Amber and Kayla. This gives us something we can do."

She gave Nicole a hug.

"You're in a cocoon, you know?" Amanda said. "I know you feel trapped in your body right now. But one of these days, you're going to become the butterfly I know you are."

Nicole smiled.

"Mom, thanks for accepting me for who I am," she said.

"I will always accept you for who you are, sweetpea," Amanda said. "So, are you interested in going to this conference that Andy and Gina keep telling me about?"

Nicole nodded.

"Sam says it will be fun," Nicole said. "Sara's going too, so maybe it will be cool."

Nicole also felt it would be nice to be around other people who were just like her.

Chapters 11-12

Chapter 11

Amanda helped Nicole carefully fold her clothes into the suitcase.

"The last time we rode on a plane was the trip back from Boston," Amanda said.

Nicole remembered the trip well. She was leaving a nightmare of a life behind.

She was scared. She had no idea what her life ahead would be like.

It turned out to be her great escape.

This trip seemed to be almost as scary. A conference for transgendered children and their families was something Nicole was looking forward to.

But she didn't know how much the conference would impact her life.

"It will be an adventure, I'm sure," Amanda said. "I guess we've packed everything."

"They're here!" Amber said, running into the room.

They were riding to the airport with Gina, Sam and Luke. Sara and Julia were riding, too.

It would be a bit crowded on the way to the airport, but to Nicole it seemed to make things more fun.

"Did you bring your CDs?" Sara asked when Nicole climbed into SUV.

"Yup," she said.

"I brought mine, we should have a lot to listen to," Sara said.

"Just don't listen to them so loud," Gina said. "So how are you doing, Mandy?"

"Doing fine," Amanda said. "It's just been like a mad house. I dropped Kayla off at mom's last night. I had to make sure Nikki and Amber packed everything they needed."

Like Nicole, she was a little apprehensive about the trip. But she looked forward to talking with parents who were going through the same thing.

"So what's it like?" Amanda asked.

"Well, it's always a pretty eye-opening trip," Gina said. "They have seminars on what our children are going through. They're really helpful in helping you make decisions about your child. The best part, really, is meeting other families and hearing their stories. They've really encouraged us. I'm sure they'll encourage you."

Sam spent most of his time texting friends he hadn't seen since the last conference. He was also texting friends from his school who were also going.

"I've told them my girlfriend was coming," Sam joked with Nicole.

"You're girlfriend is coming?...I'm looking forward to meeting her," Nicole teased back.

That brought a giggle from Sara.

"I wonder if I'm going to feel like a third wheel," Sara said.

"A third wheel, where did you hear that kind of talk?" Julia asked her daughter.

"I dunno, probably from you," Sara said.

"Sometimes, I think they act too grown up," Amanda said.

Nicole put her arm around Sara, "Don't think of yourself as a third wheel. I'm glad you're coming."

"I think I'm the one who is going to feel like a third wheel," Sam joked.

"You probably will, cuz," Sara chimed in. "We girls like to stick together. Besides, you're the one who already has friends who will be there. Nikki doesn't."

"I'm sure Nikki will make lots of new friends there," Gina said. "Sam did at his first conference."

That maybe true, Nicole thought, but Sara was her best friend. She was glad she was going to be there.

*****

The hotel was really nice. The rooms were spacious. There was an indoor pool, workout room and hot tubs. There were even places to shop.

"You don't have to leave the hotel unless you want to," Gina said. "The conference organizers really do it up right."

"Oh no, we're going out during the breaks," Amanda said. "The girls have never been to San Francisco. I want them to see the sites."

Nicole, in fact, had already made her list. The Golden Gate Bridge, Alcatraz and riding trolleys were high on the list.

"It's going to be really cool," she said. "You guys have got to go with us."

"Mom said we were," Sara said.

"It's time to go down to registration," Gina said.

There were about 100 transgendered children attending the conference. They were all in different stages of transition. Some were just starting the journey. Others were nearing completion, with older teens already on hormones and awaiting surgery once they were old enough. A few post-op college students also attended the conference.

They ranged in age from preschool to high school. There were a few transboys like Sam. Most were male-to-female children like Nikki.

"You must be Nikki?" a girl around 16 said at the table.

"Yes, I am," Nicole said.

"I'm Lara, your group leader," she said. "I've heard so much about you from Sam."

They were divided into different groups, mainly by age and by gender. There were also groups for supporting siblings. Sara, Amber and Luke were assigned to those.

The parents had a choice about which seminars to attend. Amanda, Gina and Julia stuck with each other.

The speakers at the conference were a varied group. Some of the speakers were post-op success stories. Many of them transitioned while children like those attending the conference.

There were also psychologists, physicians, educators, advocates and even law enforcement officials attending the conference. Some were also among the featured speakers.

There were "shock and scary" seminars at the conference as Amanda called them. Parents and children alike attended some of them.

One dealt with hate crimes against transgendered children and teens. There were the tragic stories of the tender souls who were murdered. Some of the speakers testified of harassment and bullying.

The purpose of such seminars was to make parents aware of the danger signs. Another seminar dealt with depression and suicide.

"It's a bit scary, don't you think," Amanda said. "It's a mother's worst nightmare."

"I know," Gina said. "But we've got to be aware of what's going on."

The vast majority of the seminars were positive and uplifting. Some of them dealt with the need to develop a support system of family and friends, those who would help a transgendered child gain acceptance.

Julia was complimented by several parents for her support of Gina and Sam. She was praised for bringing Sara along.

Amanda enjoyed hearing the success stories of those who had transitioned. They came from nearly every walk of life. One speaker was an attorney. Another was a well known surgeon. One was an engineer.

"I needed to hear this," Amanda said. "So does Nikki."

Some were married and brought spouses. Some had stepchildren or were able to adopt.

"A normal life is what I want for Nikki," Amanda confided.

Nicole liked the time the girls in her group had among themselves. She loved hearing about their stories.

Lara's was the one that was closest to her heart. Lara story was somewhat similar.

She grew up in a religious family. Her parents completely rejected her desire to become a girl, at least at first.

Her father, a preacher, physically abused her to keep her from acting like a sissy. Finally, her mother started to come around. Her parents divorced. Her father's family eventually disowned them.

But her relationship with her mother grew. Her mother started letting her wear girls clothes when she was 8. She started living as a girl full time at 10. They moved to another community where no one knew that she wasn't born a girl.

She was a very beautiful girl. Her interests were similar to Nicole's. She liked to dance. She even danced the role of Clara in the Nutcracker at her ballet school. She went to public school and was even a cheerleader.

Only a few school officials knew that she was transgendered. A few parents went into an uproar when they found out a "boy" was attending their school as a girl. But no one knew it was her.

She went on dates a couple of times, but came off as strait-laced and wanted to remain a virgin until marriage. That way no one ever questioned whether Lara was the transgendered girl.

"I am afraid that people will find out its me," Lara said. "But I'm not going to get into any serious relationships until after I'm done with school. I want to be totally honest when I finally enter into a relationship."

"Any regrets?" Nicole asked her.

"None," Lara said. She was totally happy living as a girl.

There was also a testimonial time when all of the groups came together.

To Nicole's and Sara's surprise, Sam was one of the children sharing their stories.

"I told you he was very brave," Nicole whispered to Sara.

Sam knew he was a boy early in his life. He didn't like playing with dolls.

"That used to make me mad," Sara whispered to Nicole. "We were the same age. I thought it was neat I had a girl cousin. But 'she' never wanted to play anything I did."

He always wanted to play with boys' toys and activities associated boys. Sam tore off dresses his mother bought him to wear to church and school.

"It used to drive me crazy," Gina whispered to Amanda.

Sam insisted he was a boy in preschool and kindergarten. He always wanted to wear boys clothes. He didn't want to have long hair.

"He would rip bows and barrettes out of his hair," Gina said. "I couldn't put anything in it."

At first Sam's insistence he was a boy was dismissed as him being a "tomboy."

"In that sense, I think transboys have it a little easier when they are younger," Gina said.

But Sam's persistence began to raise eyebrows. Gina thought therapy, hoping it would work.

The diagnosis that he was a transgendered child was not welcomed with open arms by his family. Most shunned them, especially when Gina made the decision to support Sam. There was some applause in the audience when Sam said his aunt Julia stood by him and his mom.

Julia smiled and blushed and waved when she was acknowledged.

Sam told of stories of being bullied. But he also told stories of his acceptance, especially when his mother found a private school where he was accepted for who he was.

"You should really be proud of him," Julia said.

"I am sis," Gina whispered back.

There was a little talent show at the end of the final program of the day. Some of the kids sang. Lara danced a ballet solo in a fancy tutu.

"Wow, she's beautiful," Sara whispered to Nicole.

"I wished I could dance like that," Nicole said, mesmerized by her new friend dancing en pointe.

There was some time for touring. Nicole really enjoyed the beauty of the city. Returning to the hotel was pretty fun too.

They had a pizza and pool party at night. Nicole and Sara had matching bikinis. Sam was being a "typical boy," popping them both with a towel as they walked down the hallway heading for the pool.

They both turned around and stuck their tongues out at him. All three of them laughed. Sara and Nicole dove into pool, joining Lara and a few other girls who were already taking a dip.

Sam did his cannonball, which announced his presence in a very wet way.

"Stop it cuz!" Sara said after being splashed.

"That's okay, he's really having fun," Lara said.

Most of the parents sat by the poolside getting acquainted.

"I'm Marie," Lara's mom said as she joined Amanda, Gina and Julia at a table.

"They're really having fun," Gina said, pointing to the kids.

"Amanda, your Nikki is a very beautiful girl," Maria said.

They swapped stories as the children enjoyed themselves. For many of the children, it was the most peaceful time they've had in a while.

"Tell me, did you ever lament losing the children you thought your children were?" Marie said. "I have to admit, I really missed that little boy I once had when Lara started to live fulltime as a girl."

"I have to admit, I missed having a daughter, even one who did not want to be one," Gina said.

"I believe I'm lucky," Amanda said. "I only knew Nikki when she was little, back when she was my 'little brother'. I really didn't get a chance to know her that much as a boy. When I gained custody, the girl inside Nikki was already screaming to come out. I never really had her as a boy. I wouldn't have her any other way."

"I wouldn't have Lara any other way either," Marie said. "I'm proud of the beautiful daughter I have now."

"I feel the same way about Sam," Gina said.

****

"You look very nice, very proper," Amanda said, looking at Nicole as she came down the stairs.

They'd been back from the conference for about a week. They were going on a tour of Royal Hills Academy, the private school Sam attended. The fact that the school was tolerant of children who varying sexual orientations was one reason the school was appealing.

The fact that it was a prep school with high academic standards was another reason Amanda found the school appealing. Both Nicole and Amber were going to tour the school, as was Sara and Julia.

It was a pristine place. It seemed almost like a small university, a very stately place.

The students dressed uniforms. The boys in shirts, ties and slacks. During cooler weather, they were expected to wear jackets.

The girls wore plaid skirts to go along with blouses that matched the shirts the boys wore. They also wore jackets when it was cooler.

"The transgendered students are expected to wear the uniform of the gender they identify with," said Elizabeth Adams, the school counselor who was giving the tour.

"Well, we would be wearing the same uniform," Sara said to Nicole.

"That would be cool," Nicole said. "But if we end up both going here, what about Meredith?"

"I'd miss her, but we'd still see her in dance class," Sara said.

Dance class would be another dilemma if Nicole chose to become a girl fulltime. Attending a school where she was supposed to be accepted was one thing. Would they allow her to do so at a dance school without creating an uproar?

"Yeah, I guess," Nicole said. "But I feel like we're leaving her out in some way."

She still worried about how her friend would react once she found out Nicole was transgendered.

But she also remembered Dr. Dornan's words. "Would she be a real friend if she couldn't accept you for who you really are?" she remembered Andrea saying.

"Hey you guys!" was a shout from down the hallway of one of the building they toured.

It was Sam.

"I wondered if we would see you here," Nicole said.

"I hope you guys come to school here," Sam said. "It would really be cool."

"I'm sure they would like being at the same school with you same," Amanda said. "We'll have to see."

"You know a lot of the things you couldn't do at a public school, you could do here," Ms. Adams said as she continued the tour. "You could be a cheerleader. You could be on a dance team. You could play on a girls' sports team. We're in a private school conference, so there isn't a rule against it."

"My mother said you have a good dance program," Sara said.

"Several of our graduates have gone on to dance for professional
companies," Ms. Adams said.

"I've heard several of your students have also gone on to Ivy League schools," Amanda said.

"Yes, several of our graduates are accepted at Ivy League schools each year," Ms. Adams. "Others end up at Stanford, Duke, Vanderbilt or Notre Dame."

"That's mom," Nicole said. "She's already plotting my college career. She even mentioned me going to Wellesley."

"We have graduates at Wellesley, too," Ms. Adams said.

Chapter 12

"Mom, can you come here a minute?" Nicole said as she struggled to latch on the bra strap.

"What's a matter, need help?" Amanda asked.

"Yes, I do," she before Amanda hooked it up.

"Nervous about your first day?" Amanda asked.

"A little," Nicole said as she tried to brush her hair just right.

"I'm sure it will be fun," Amanda said.

It was going to be a bit liberating. She could openly be Nicole. But she still had butterflies.

Nicole put on the headband. She long for the day her hair was long enough to be braided. She carefully applied the nail polish. Her butterfly earrings sparkled in the sunlight coming in from the window.

"I've got something for you," Amanda said. She pulled out a small box with a bow.

It contained a heart-shaped locket.

"Oh mom, it's beautiful, thanks," she said as Amanda put it around her neck.

"You need to get dressed," Amanda said. "Sara's mom will be here any minute. You also need to get breakfast."

Nicole put on the skirt she was required to wear, then the blouse, pulling the locket over it. She pulled up the matching socks.

She looked in the mirror. It was a different look indeed.

She grabbed her backpack and slowly walked down the stairs. Amber was already at the table, dressed in the exact same uniform, right down to the headband. Nicole wondered if she would be made fun of since her little sister was dressed completely like her. That included the earrings.

It didn't matter to her. She and Amber had a bond. The earrings was a connection she didn't think anyone would understand.

"You look very nice," Amanda said. "Both of my girls do."

"What about me?" little Kayla asked plaintively.

"I didn't forget about you, doodlebug," Amanda said.

"You look very cute, doodlebug," Nicole said. "Mom was just talking about how nice Amber and I looked in our school uniforms."

"Can I get me a school uniform, too, like Nikki and Amber?" Kayla asked.

"When you are old enough," Amanda said. "But don't grow up too soon. I mean that for all of you."

"We'll try not to grow up too fast for you," Nicole said just before the moment the horn sounded from Sara's mom's SUV.

Nicole and Amber finished off breakfast, grabbed their backpacks and went rushing out the door. A new adventure had begun.

*****

"I talked to Meredith, she thinks we're both betraying her by switching schools," Sara told Nicole on the ride to school. "I told her it was our moms' idea. I told her that they both want us to go to real fancy colleges."

That was partly the truth, Nicole said. It was most of the truth for Sara. Her mother was really impressed by the school's academic reputation.

"Meredith may find out pretty soon about me," Nicole told Sara. "Mom is going to tell Madame Ruth about me. If there is any problem, I'll just stop taking classes there."

"At least then, she'll know," Sara said. "I think she'll be okay with it. It may take her some time."

"I hope so," Nicole said. "I'm tired of pretending to be Nicholas. But I do want her to be my friend. But if she's not, this will still be worth it."

"How do you feel about finally getting to be a girl at school?" Sara asked.

"I finally get to be myself," Nicole replied. Deep down, she was extremely glad Sara was going. She felt she needed to have a friend close by.

Of course, Sam would be there. But her relationship with Sara was much different.

They compared class schedules. They were in every class together, including P.E. They both looked forward to taking French and art, even though they would be a little behind.

The school put a large emphasis in the arts, another reason why their mothers liked the school so much.

Both were also going to be taking dance classes, which was another passion they shared.

Their first day turned out to be pretty hectic. Finding lockers and finding classes were at the top of their lists.

Sam popped up to ever be the gentleman and showed them where everything was. Even though he was in his element, he was extremely glad his two best friends were now going to school with him, including one that he had a crush on.

Most of the classes weren't too difficult. They were in the same level classes they were in at Franklin Middle School. Most of the classes were about at the point where they were before they transferred.

French was a little bit of a challenge, but their teacher, Madamoselle Reide was quiet helpful. She offered to tutor both girls to help them catch up.

"Je suis Americaine," Sara told Nicole as they skipped along to their next class, P.E.

"Vous allex au cinema," Nicole said back to her.

"I wished we were going to the movies," Sara giggled.

Nicole was assigned a special lockerroom for P.E., much like Sam told her he was assigned. She thought she was alone as she pulled on her "Royal Hills Girls P.E. t-shirt and pulled on her shorts.

"You must be Nikki," said a girl who came up and sat down beside her.

"I'm Karen," she said. "It will be nice to have another girl like me in class."

Karen told Nicole there were three other "T-girls" at the school, one about Amber's age and two others in high school. There were three "transboys" including Sam.

"How do they treat us here?" Nicole asked.

"Like normal people," Karen said as they walked inside the gym.

Each girl in the class was assigned a place in one of the lines they sat in. Since Nicole and Sara were just starting, they were at the very end of the line they were assigned to.

"Today is field hockey day," Coach Henderson said as they went out to the stadium behind the gym.

"How do you play field hockey?" Sara asked Nicole.

"I have no clue," Nicole said.

"We'll teach you ladies," Coach Henderson said before they took the field.

Ladies–it had a good ring to it. It was the first time Nicole had been called a lady outside of family, friends and a therapist.

It turned out to be a learning experience, and a little fun. It made it interesting the Sam and the boys' P.E. class were playing soccer. Nicole distracted her friend by waving to him, which made the ball go shooting past him.

"Sam has a crush on Nikki," Sara told one of the girls in the class.

Nicole blushed. She didn't want to admit she had feelings for him, too.

"Oh he's just a friend," Nicole told Karen.

*****

Nicole was a little nervous as she pulled her leotard over her tights in the dressing room.

Amanda told her about the conversation she had with Madame Ruth. Madame Ruth informed parents that Nicole would be attending class for now on as a girl.

Some of the parents were as shocked as they were when Nicole showed up for the first class during the summer wearing Amber's dance clothes. A couple threatened to pull their daughters out of the class, but none did.

Madame Ruth tried to assure her there would be no problems.

"You're very brave for doing what you're doing," Madame Ruth said. "I don't want you to give up dancing. You dance so beautifully."

But Nicole couldn't also forget the conversation Meredith's mom had with Sara's mom, or Meredith's with Sara.

Meredith blamed Nicole's "condition" on the reason Sara transferred to private school. Sara insisted that wasn't the case.

The class was a bit cold, at least it seemed to Nicole, from warm-ups at the barre straight through until center work. She felt free during centre work.

The music just flowed through her.

But afterwards, she felt a cold stair from Meredith. She heard whispering from the other girls and some giggling. She knew it had to be directed toward her.

She rushed into the dressing room after the class was over. She didn't want to come out.

Sara sensed something was wrong with her friend. She went in after her.

"I felt like such a freak tonight," Nicole sobbed.

"Well, you're not," Sara said. "They're all such jerks!"

"I think I should quit," Nicole said. "Maybe I'll just take classes at school."

"You shouldn't quit," Sara said. "You're so talented. But if you quit, I quit."

Nicole did not want that to happen. This was where Sara wanted to dance. It's where all her friends were. She even didn't want to be the source of friction between Meredith and Sara.

"I can't believe you," Sara said. "After all that's happened to you tonight, and you're concerned about me."

Just then, there came a knock at the door of the dressing room.

"Can I come in?" a sad voice said. It was Meredith.

"Should I tell her to get lost?" Sara asked.

"No, what more can she do to me?" Nicole said. "She can't hurt me any worse than she already has."

Sara opened the door. Tears were flowing down Meredith's face.

"Oh Nikki, I'm so sorry," she said. "The other girls, we all are."

They didn't know how much they hurt Nicole until they saw her head to the dressing room.

"I still don't understand what you're going through," Meredith confessed. "But you've proven to me–to all of us–that you're a girl. I was more mad at you and Sara for transferring to another school. Can you ever forgive me for being so cruel?"

Sara was the one who wanted to be tough.

"She has a right to be mad at you for as long as she likes," Sara stated.

After what Sam had gone through most of his life, it broke Sara's heart to see how people react in such a way as her friends did in class.

Tears were rolling down Nicole's face. She smiled. "I can't stay mad at you," she said, and Meredith gave her a big hug.

Nicole was shocked when she walked out of the dressing room. The rest of the girls in the class were lined up. Most had tears in their eyes. They all apologized. One by one, they all gave her a hug.

Some of the parents apologized as well, including Meredith's mom, who apologized to both Nicole and Amanda.

"It's something that really doesn't happen a lot around here," she said. "We knew about Sam, but he doesn't live around here."

Meredith wanted to make it up to Nicole.

"Mom, would you mind if Sara and Nikki came over on Friday for a sleepover?" Meredith asked.

"That would be fine with me, but you'd have to ask Nikki and her mom," she replied.

Amanda looked at Nicole.

"It's all up to you, sweetpea," Amanda said. "If you want to go over to Meredith's house, it would be fine with me."

Nicole nodded her head yes.

"That would be nice," Nicole said.

Madame Ruth came up and talked to Amanda and Nicole before they left.

"I thought Nicole handled it as well as she could have," Madame Ruth said. "She was strong in class. She was a very beautiful dancer. I thought about giving a lecture after class was over. But the girls knew they did something wrong."

It was an interesting night. It was the first test of many Nicole would go through in her journey to become a woman.

Amanda was glad things worked out the way they did. Deep down, she feared the worst.

She was at a loss for words for what to say to her daughter.

"How did you feel when they were treating you that way," she asked Nicole.

"I was very scared," Nicole said. "They made me feel so much like a freak."

"Don't ever feel that way," Amanda said. "You are a beautiful child."

"I'll try not to mom, but it's not easy," Nicole said.

"Nothing about growing up is never easy, much less what you've got to go through," Amanda said.

Amanda couldn't fathom what Nicole was going through. How could she? Compared to Nicole, she had lived an easy life. Being the age Nicole was didn't make things any easier.

That was an age Amanda didn't want to have to go through.

Amanda admired Nicole's strength.

There were times when Nicole seemed very gentle, very fragile. That was the child Amanda picked up in Boston a few weeks ago.

There were times, like that night, that Nicole seemed as strong as rock.

She knew she had to be strong as a rock for her daughter, especially during the times that Nicole seemed so fragile.

Chapter 13

"What does this all mean?" Amanda asked her attorney, Bob Nichols.

"Apparently, your father set up a trust fund for Nikki like he did for you," he said. "Your stepmother, did, too. The Lancasters were able to dip into it when they had custody of Nikki. They can't now, so they want they want Nikki back."

Amanda was enraged. Money was not even on her mind when she took custody of Nikki. She knew there must have been money for her, but she never really pursued.

"What kind of chance do they have of taking custody back from me?" Amanda said.

"Under normal circumstances, very difficult," he said. "To challenge custody, you would have to prove the person who has custody is unfit, or that a change of custody would be in the best interest of the child. As a sibling, you also have a higher priority than an uncle does."

"I'm a good mother," Amanda said. "They couldn't handle Nikki. She's done fine living with me."

"Well, you're allowing her to live as a girl," Nichols said. "They've hired a private investigator and they know that. The rulings from judges on transgendered children have been all over the map."

He told her of a couple in Ohio who lost custody of their child because they chose to raise him as a girl. He also told her of a mother in Virginia who lost custody of her child to her ex-husband because she chose to raise their son as a girl. She lost custody because she defied a court order forbidding her from raising him as a girl.

"It really depends on the judge and how conservative a community is," he said. "Fortunately, we don't live in a community as conservative as those two cases."

"She'll be devastated," Amanda said. "She's going to a sleepover at a friend's house tonight. I won't tell her until after she comes home. I want her to have fun and not to worry."

Deep down, Amanda worried. Nikki's nightmares seemed to be going away over the last few days. They were sure to return.

"I also think you need to change attorneys for this," he said. "I don't have experience with cases like these."

"Who do you recommend?" Amanda asked.

"Nita Walker," he said. "I've already contacted her. She is more than willing to take the case."

"I've heard of her," Amanda said. "But isn't she known for taking on feminist causes?"

"Oh yeah, she is," he said. "I've gone against her a couple of times and lost. She's also got experience handling gender identity issues. I'll contact her to set up an appointment for you."

"Thanks, Bob, I appreciate all of your help on this," Amanda said.

Words could not describe how she felt as she walked out of her attorney's office. How would she tell Nikki about this? Nikki went through hell when she lived with her aunt and uncle.

She knew she had to find a way to protect her daughter. She hoped the attorney Bob was referring her to could help keep a tragedy from happening.

She also resolved to make the Lancasters pay for what they've done to Nikki. They were greedy and they've tortured him enough.

*****

"Do you think I should take this?" Nikki told Amanda, showing her a shirt she was going to take with her to the sleepover at Meredith's.

"I think that would be cute," Amanda said as Nikki packed it in her overnight bag.

She also packed a pair of jeans, her night gown and a swimming suit, The Bakers had a pool.

"Can you pass me my CDs," Nikki said, pointing to a stack on her dresser.

"Are you sure you girls were going to have time to listen to all of those?" Amanda said. "You're just staying over night."

"Oh, mom!" Nikki said.

"Sorry, didn't mean to pick at you sweetpea," she said as she gave Nikki a big hug, a little bigger than usual.

"Anything wrong mom?" Nikki said, sensing the embrace was a little different than normal.

"I was thinking about what a beautiful girl you're becoming," Amanda said. "I was thinking about how I was thankful you came to live with us. Our lives were not complete without you."

"I'm thankful I'm here, too, mom," Nikki said.

Amber and Kayla joined them in the car as they rode over to the Bakers. They arrived about the same time as Sara.

"You really look nice, Nikki," Meredith's mom said as they came through the door.

"Mandy, how have you been?"

"Could be better," Amanda said. "I've been really busy."

She wasn't about to tell her what was going on with Nicole's custody situation. She knew Meredith and her mother were just now coming to terms with Nicole living as a girl.

It was a nice thing they were doing. She didn't want to burden them even further.

"So what are we doing tonight?" Sara asked Meredith.

"Thought we'd hit the pool first," Meredith said. "Then maybe some music, movies and maybe dancing. Mom's ordering pizza."

"Sounds like a plan to me," Nikki said before they went to put their suits on.

This time, she chose a one-piece instead of the bikini she had worn over Sam's.

"Last one in is a rotten egg!" Meredith said before they plunged in.

Meredith's mother was amazed. No one would have ever thought that Nikki had been anything but a girl. She was sorrowful about how they reacted when they first heard the news.

The girls had fun in the pool. They raced at first. No one was really the fastest.

They even tried their best ballet moves in the pool.

"I'm doing a fouette!" Sara shouted, trying to impress her friends. Nikki was practicing her ron de jambres and grande battements. She was amazed how slow her legs moved in the water and how high she could kick.

"This is really cool," Meredith said.

They also talked about boys. The talk soon turned to Sam.

"So do you want Sam to be your boyfriend?" Meredith asked.

Nikki blushed.

"I don't know," she said. "He is kind of cute."

"I'll take that as a yes," Meredith giggled.

"I don't know, we're taking it kind of slow," Nikki said. "I don't want too much going on at one time in my life."

"That's probably a good idea," Sara said, although she did like the idea of her friend being her girlfriend's cousin.

"Girls, pizza's here!" Meredith's mother shouted.

The girls hurried out of the pool and dried off.

"Go upstairs and change right quick," she said.

"Okay, Mrs. Baker!" Nikki said.

Nikki put on her shirt with a pair of cutoff jeans.

"Wow, that's cute top!" Sara said.

All three were similarly dressed. They did their best to dry their hair, but rushed down stairs. They didn't want to get the pizza to get cold.

"I'll help each of you with your hair when you get done eating," Meredith's mother said.

"That would be cool, mom!" Meredith said.

Anna Baker couldn't believe three girls could put away pizza the way they did. Then it was off to upstairs, where she combed each of their hair.

"Nikki, you have beautiful hair," she said as she combed Nikki's. "If it were a little longer, I would braid it."

"It's so pretty and blonde," Sara said. "Wish mine was nice and golden like yours."

"I really think yours is beautiful, I'd love to have it," Nicole said. Sara's hair was long and brown.

"Frankly, I prefer redheads," Meredith giggled. She had auburn hair.

"Oh, I think your hair is very beautiful!" Nikki said.

Their evening was filled with dance movies. Center Stage, Step Up and Save the Last Dance were their favorites.

Meredith and Sara did their best to show Nikki ballet moves and jazz moves, at least as much as her bedroom would allow without knocking things over.

"You girls turn that music down!" Meredith's mother shouted as they listened to their CDs. She couldn't understand why they liked "screamo music."

*****

Amanda really enjoyed hearing Nikki talk about the sleepover. She was glad Nikki had a great time. With everything she's gone through, she needed to have a night of fun with the girls.

She struggled for words to tell her. She didn't know what to say. It was almost like bringing Nikki's world crashing down.

"No, I'm not going back!" Nikki shouted. "I'll kill myself before I'll go back!"

Amanda knew those weren't just words. She knew Nikki's life really was at stake.

"I don't want to go back to being Nicholas," Nikki said. "I'm not a boy!"

Nikki and Amanda both were in tears. Amber and Kayla both came into the room. They all embraced into one big group hug.

"I promise you Nikki, you won't have to go back to being Nicholas again," Amanda said. "I've got all three of my girls here. No one is going to break up this family."

"We're not going to let them take you away from us," cried Amber, agreeing with what her mother said.

*****

"Come on in, Ms. Walker will see you now," the secretary said to Amanda and Nikki.

"Take a seat, my name is Nita," the woman said from behind a desk.

She wasn't quite what Amanda was expecting. She was a woman in her mid-thirties. Nita Walker could just as easily have been a soccer mom instead of an intimidating attorney.

"You must be Nikki?" she said. "My daughter Pamela says she's in your P.E. class at Royal Hills."

"You’re Pam's mom?" Nikki asked.

"Yup," she said. "So how do you like Royal Hills?"

"I like it a lot," Nikki said. "Everybody seems really nice there. I like it better than my old school."

"That's good to hear," Ms. Walker said. "One reason I picked it was because of the tolerance program they have. I want my daughter to grow up to be open minded. I want you to grow up to be open minded, too."

"Yes, ma'am," Nikki said.

"Now let's go over your case," she said.

She asked for Nicole to be there in case she had any questions. She also wanted to be as reassuring as she possibly could be.

"We do have some good news," she said. "The case has been assigned to Judge Myra Williams’s court. She's proven to be very sensitive to cases like the one we have."

"That's good," Amanda said. "Bob Nichols told me about similar cases where custody was lost."

"Well, I've examined quite a few things since you talked to Bob," Ms. Walker said. "Thank you for sending all of the documents over. Thanks for letting me speak to Andrea, she was quite helpful and will be a good witness for us."

She proceeded to lay out a strategy. Andrea's testimony about the Lancasters' abuse of Nikki would play a major role. Their desire to keep drawing from the trust fund, Ms. Walker said, would also come back to aunt them.

"I find it interesting that you did not seek to find out if there were any trust left for Nikki," she said. "That's something that will work in our favor. They'll know right away that you're not in it for the money."

"I was more worried about Nikki's welfare," Amanda said.

"That is the main point of our case," Ms. Walker said. "We're going to show that you have looked out for Nikki's best interest the moment you took custody."

Ms. Walker then looked Nicole in the eyes.

"We're also going to show that you living as a girl is in your best interest," Ms. Walker said. "Sometimes, parents in cases like these back down. They force their children back to the gender they were born to as a compromise. We're not going to do that. I want the judge to see that Nikki is nothing but a 12-year-old girl trying to live a normal life."

Strengthening their case, she said, were the nightmares of Nikki's life in Boston, the fact that they were coming to an end before the Lancasters filed to regain custody and the fact that Nikki's grades had improved greatly since she had come to live with Amanda.

"I also want as many people to testify who have seen her both as Nicole and Nicholas," she said. "I want people to know that Nikki is better off as a girl."

Amanda and Nicole both felt reassured by Nita Walker's words.

"Nikki, you want to know why I'm so passionate about this case?" she asked. "Because I want to make this world a better place for you to live as a woman."

She showed Amanda the motions she had drawn up in court. They were her answers to what the Lancasters were filing.

"I also drew up these two petitions I want you to take a look at," Ms. Walker told Amanda.

One was a petition asking for the judge to grant Amanda's adoption of Nikki. "I don't want this to ever come up again," Ms. Walker explained.

Amanda signed it quickly.

"I was wanting to do it anyway," she said. "I just didn't know how to do it. I didn't know when to do it."

Ms. Walker then passed another order over to Nicole to see first.

"Pass it to your mother as soon as you are done reading it," Ms. Walker said.

It was a motion asking the judge to formally change Nicole's name from Nicholas Taylor to Nicole Meggs.

Nicole fought back the tears and passed it on to Amanda.

"This is what you want?" she asked.

Nicole nodded her head yes.

"It's what I want to," Amanda said just before she signed the documents.

"I don't want either of you to worry," Ms. Walker said. "Nikki, you're going to stay right where you are. You're going to remain the girl that you are. I'm going to do everything I can to make sure of it."

Amanda embraced Nicole as they walked out of the attorney's office.

"Didn't I tell you this was all going to work out?" Amanda said.

*****

Nicole walked out of her bedroom in the dress suit Ms. Walker bought her. She looked, in Amanda's opinion, like a mini-lawyer in her coat, miniskirt, pantyhose and heels.

Nicole thought Amanda looked pretty professional herself as they prepared for what they hoped would be a happy day in court.

They greeted Ms. Walker on the courthouse steps.

"You look very nice, Nikki," Ms. Walker said. "You look like you could try this case yourself."

"Thanks to you, Nita," Nikki said.

"It was a very nice gift," Amanda said.

"One of these days, you may be a professional woman like me or your mom," Ms. Walker said. "I thought it would be nice for you to see how it feels."

She then asked Nicole and Amanda if they were nervous.

Both nodded their heads yes.

"Take a deep breath," Ms. Walker said. "It's going to be okay."

Nikki wasn't exactly looking forward to walking into the courtroom. Bruce, Madlyne and Shanna Lancaster were there with an intimidating attorney.

They talked about Nikki's life with them, how they caught "him" crossdressing, how they were patient with "him", but had to correct "him", that it was in "his" best interest to live the gender "he" was biologically.

They denied abusing Nikki. They dismissed Nikki's depression, unhappiness and low grades to being a boy going through the loss of his mother.

Their high-priced Boston attorney called psychologists who testified that what Amanda was doing was actually harming Nikki.

They put Amanda on the stand to explain what their private investigator had found out, that Nikki was living as a girl.

To their dismay, Amanda was very solid in her answers. She told the judge that she didn't encourage Nikki to become a girl. At times, she said, she did her best to discourage Nikki from becoming Nicole because she feared for her safety.

Then Ms. Walker took her turn presenting Amanda and Nicole's side of the case.

She got the Lancasters to admit they took drastic measures to get Nikki to stop dressing up in girls' clothes. They admitted they at times over did it with corporal punishment.

"You did this, yet you didn't even bother to have Nikki see a therapist?" Ms. Walker asked Madlyne Lancaster. "Don't you think it is in a child's best interest to find out what is going in their head?"

Madlyne Lancaster broke down. She even slipped up about the finances.

Ms. Walker put psychologists of her own on the stand who testified that living as a girl was in Nikki's best interest.

The most compelling was Andrea Dornan, who testified about the nightmares and the very real claims of abuse by Nicole. She also testified about the changes for the better since Nicole was allowed to live as a girl.

Three mothers, Sam's, Sara's and Meredith's, all testified about the positive changes they saw in Nicole's life.

None of Ms. Walker's witnesses were tripped up under cross-examination.

The final witness of the long afternoon was Nikki herself.

She was asked by attorneys for both sides about her life with the Lancasters and with Amanda.

She wept several times during her time on the stand. She had to relive some of her worst nightmares and biggest fears.

"Please, don't make me go back there to live with them!" she pleaded at one point to the judge.

Other than the Lancasters' cold stares, there was hardly a dry eye in the courtroom when Nicole was through.

Her testimony was compelling–it was real.

"This has been a long and very difficult day," Judge Williams said. "This is a different kind of case, but in my opinion, not nearly difficult as some would believe."

She said some custody cases required her to take several days, even weeks, before making a decision.

"But I researched as many cases on this issue as I could before this day began," she said. "It still comes down to who I feel is acting in Nicholas Taylor's best interest."

There was a silence in the courtroom.

"Ms. Meggs, there are courts who have disagreed with your methods in raising Nikki," she said. "Given what has come out today, I don't think any of them can question whether or not you are acting in Nikki's best interest. They would question yours,” she said, looking at the Lancasters.

"The petition requesting a change of custody has been denied," Judge Williams said. "Nikki will remain in the custody of Amanda Taylor Meggs."

Both Amanda and Nicole breathed a sigh of relief.

"Mr. Morton”–the Lancasters' attorney–“your clients are free to leave," she said. "Ms. Walker, I need your clients to remain here for a few more minutes."

Amanda gripped Nicole's hand as the Lancasters walked out of the courtroom.

"I hope that is the last we'll ever see of them," she whispered to Nicole.

"Me too," Nicole said.

As soon as the Lancasters had left the courtroom, the judge said there were two other motions that needed to be addressed.

"I felt it appropriate to have only you present, because this does not involve the other parties in this case," Judge Williams said. "Ms. Meggs, I am granting your motion of adoption."

Amanda hugged Nicole.

"It's official," she said. "You are my daughter. No one can take you away from me now!"

"Ms. Meggs, as Nicholas' parent, is it my understanding you want to change your child's name?"

"She does, your honor," Ms. Walker said as she presented the change of name motion.

"It is granted," she said. "You are now known as Nicole Taylor Meggs."

"Young lady," Judge Williams said. "I can't grant a change in the birth certificate at this time, I want you to understand that when you are of legal age, you can request it."

"Yes, ma'am," Nicole said.

"Good," Judge Williams said. "I never thought of you today as anything but a girl just by the way you conducted yourself today. If I am still the judge of this court, I'll make sure it will be granted when that time comes."

Chapter 14

"Hold still," Amanda said as she tried to do Nicole's hair.

"Ouch," Nicole said as Amanda worked to get her hair up into a bow.

"Oh come on, sweetpea," Amanda said. "I think you're worse than Kayla."

Amanda was just glad Nicole's hair was finally getting long enough to do
things with.

"There, we're done," Amanda said. "Tell me what you think."

Nicole couldn't believe it when she looked in the mirror. She looked
nice, fancy even.

She grinned.

"Thanks, mom," she said.

"Let me take a look at you," Amanda said. "Turn around."

Nicole twirled.

Amanda looked at Amber and Kayla.

"The three of you look so adorable," Amanda said, admiring her work.

Her three girls wore identical dresses. They wore the same bows.
Although Amber and Kayla's hair was a little longer, their hair was done
the same.

It was family portrait time. The girls wore dresses that matched
Amanda's. The portrait would replace the one hanging in the living room
with just Amber and Kayla in the photo with Amanda.

"Well, let's get going," Amanda said. "Our appointment at the portrait
studio is 3:30."

They got into the car with instructions not to get anything on their
clothes. Nicole looked up to the rearview mirror.

"Who in the world taught you how to primp?" Amanda said.

"I've watched you a few times," Nicole giggled.

But it really just came naturally.

'We have an appointment with Jolene," Amanda said when they arrived at
the studio.

"Mandy, so this is the whole crew?" a young woman said from behind a
curtain where she was doing some photography.

"This young lady must be Nikki!" she said. "I'm glad I get a chance to
shoot the whole family."

She tried different poses, with the girls surrounding Amanda. They tried
different props. Each girl held stuffed animals. They held baskets.

Jolene the photographer took several photos. Nicole admitted it was a
little fun.

"It will be a week before I get the proofs back," she told Amanda. "I
know we've got some very good ones to choose from."

"That will be nice," Amanda said.

In addition to the family portrait, she usually sent copies to family
members and friends. One photo was with a Christmas setting to be sent
out as Christmas cards.

She also gave a special portrait to her mother.

After the photo shoot, they drove to the jewelry store.

"Why are we stopping here, momma," Kayla asked.

"I had a bracelet redone," Amanda said.

It was waiting for her. She had a bracelet with three girls heads on it.
She showed it to Nicole, whose head was placed first in line with her
first, middle and last name and birth date, matching heads for Amber and
Kayla.

"It's my 'mother's' bracelet," Amanda said. "I've got my three girls all
in a row."

She bought the bracelet shortly after Amber was born. She made an
addition with Kayla. She had already planned for an addition when she
first got custody of Nicole. Fortunatley, she waited, so she didn't have
to remove one with Nicholas' name printed on it.

*****

Settling things in court seemed to turn Nicole's life completely around.
The nightmares came to an end. Amanda noticed Nicole really blossom.

Part of the transformation meant remodeling of Nicole's room. Amanda and
Amber helped paint the walls of her room her "signature" purple. She put
posters on the wall of ballerinas, her favorite musicians and actors,
including her favorite, Orlando Bloom.

She helped Amanda pack up the clothes she wore as Nicholas.

"What are we going to do with them, mom?" she asked as they taped up the
box.

"We're going to give them to the Salvation Army as soon as your
grandmother gets here to watch Kayla," Amanda said.

Amanda was amazed how much her mother accepted Nicole as one of her
granddaughters. They got along really well.

"Grandma's here, grandma's here," shouted Kayla as Amanda and Nicole
carried the boxes of Nicholas' clothes downstairs.

"Those are some nice clothes, I'm sure they will appreciate them,"
Amanda's mother said.

"I'm sure they will," Amanda said. "I know they'll put them to good use
for kids who don't have a whole lot."

She also thought giving the clothes away taught the girls a good lesson
about being charitable.

"The All American Girl forms are in my purse, Mandy." Amanda's mother
said.

"Your club's putting that on again this year?"

"We always do," she said. "And I want my grandgirls to be in it again
this year."

"What's All American Girl?" Nicole asked.

"It's a beauty pageant," Amber said. "It's always so much fun."

"I see you already filled them out," Amanda said.

"All they need is your signature," her mother said.

"Here is one for Amber Gayle Meggs," Amanda said as she pulled it out of
her purse. "One for Kayla Anne Meggs and one for Nicole Taylor Meggs."

Nicole's face lit up.

"I'm looking forward to seeing my oldest grandgirl in it this year,"
Amanda's mother said.

"So what is it like?" Nicole asked.

"Well, there is a talent competition," her grandmother said. "There is a
knowledge competition. Then there is an evening gown competition where
you will be judged on your poise and grace. They have competition in
different age groups. Kayla's in the preschool competition, Amber's in
the older elementary competition and you'll be competing in the preteen
competition."

"Oh my gosh, it is a lot of fun!" Amber said.

"I'm looking forward to taking my grandgirls shopping to buy their
dresses for the pageant," Amanda's mother said.

"You won't be a stranger," Amanda told Nicole. "Meredith's grandmother
is in the same club as your grandmother. She's in it every year."

"You mean she wins it every year," Amber said.

*****

"Nicole, you're not spotting dear." Madame Ruth shouted as they were
doing chaine turns during ballet class.

Nicole tried to do everything right. She stayed on demipoint. She turned
in time with the music. But she forgot to spot.

It caused her to zig zag a little. It also caused her to become dizzy.
She then found a poster on the wall to concentrate on. She did her best
to finish strong.

"Very nice finish Nicole, don't forget your arms," Madame Ruth said.

Sara and Meredith were impressed with how far their friend had come in
such a short time.

"You are far ahead of us when we were only in our first year," Sara
said, trying to give her friend some encourage.

"Oh, yeah, you are," Meredith said. "I'm impressed."

"You guys are just saying that," Nicole said.

"Girls, stop talking and concentrate on your dancing!" Madame Ruth
shouted.

Taking class from Madame Ruth was fun, but she was so very proper,
Nicole thought.

They ended class with their reverance. All of the girls in class did
perfect curtsies.

"The cast list for the Nutcracker is on the wall," their teacher said
after class was over.

They rushed up to the bulliten board to see what parts they managed to
land. Nicole really didn't expect to be on the list since she was only
in her first year of classes.

"Oh wow! Sara, you get to be Clara!" Meredith said. "She's going to be
the star of the show!"

Meredith then elbowed Nicole.

"We're going to be party girls together," she said. "And we're also
going to be daisies together."

"Daisies?" Nicole asked.

"Yup, both of you will be dancing in the waltz of the flowers with some
of the girls in the company," Sara said.

"We will post rehearsal times next week." Madame Ruth said as she passed
out notes to each one of her pupils. "Your parents need to read this
note. It will tell them when you need to be fitted for your costumes. It
also lists the days of our performances."

Nicole couldn't believe she was going to be in the performance.

"We're going to have so much fun together," Meredith said.

Nicole couldn't wait to tell Amanda she landed two parts. Amber also
landed two parts in the performance. She was going to be one of the
mice. She was also going to be one of the sheep in the second act."

"I can't wait to see both of my girls dance," Amanda said.

"Oh Nikki, I heard we're going to be in the All American Girl pageant
together," Meredith said.

'"Yup, my grandmother signed me up," Nicole said.

"What are you going to do for your talent?" Meredith asked. "I'm going
to do ballet. Maybe we can practice together."

"That would be great!" Nicole replied.

*****

Sara passed Nicole a note in English class. Nicole blushed.

"Can't wait to see you in the All America Girl pageant," the note said.
"You'll be prettiest one there. Nikki, would you be my date to the
Halloween costume dance? Love Sam."

"What does it say?" a curious Sara asked.

"Oh you probably already read it," Nicole said.

"No I haven't, honest," Sara said. "Would I do that to my best friend in
the whole world."

"Well, maybe not," Nicole whispered back. "Sam wants me to go to the
Halloween costume dance with him."

"So are you going to go?" Sara asked.

Nicole smiled, blushed and tried to be coy. She then nodded her head
yes.

She then wrote Sam a note.

"Dearest Sam. Can't wait for you to see me in the All America Girl
pageant. It will be fun, I can't wait. I would love to go to the
Halloween costume dance with you. What should we wear? XOXO, Nikki."

Nicole decided to pass the note on to him on the way to P.E. He always
waited for her and Sara to pass down the sidewalk before going to class.

He smiled when she handed him the note. She blew him a kiss when she saw
that no one was looking,

He was very sweet.

P.E. proved to be a big challenge as always. Her coach passed out knee
pads to every one. She then went over the rules of volleyball before
dividing her squad into two teams. She and Sara were again inseperable.

"So are you going to the Halloween costume dance?" she whispered to
Sara.

"Yeah, but since it is only for students at the school, I can't go with
Daniel," she said. "I'm going with a friend of Sam's who is kind of
geeky."

"Who? Who? Please tell me," Nicole teased. "I told you I was going with
Sam!"

"Mark Porter," Sara said.

"They play video games all the time together," Nicole said. "But you
know, he is cute in a nerdy kind of way."

"Thanks a lot," Sara giggled as the volleyball landed right between them
on the ground.

"Girls, pay attention!" their coach shouted.

Nicole and Sara laughed.

"Oops, we sort of let that one slip by us," Sara said.

"Guess we have to do a better job next time," Nicole said as she gazed
over at the boys playing basketball.

She noticed that Sam kept staring at them.

"Guess Sam better start paying attention, too," Nicole said.

Nicole had a little hard time concentrating the rest of the day. She
tried to think of famous couples they could go as.

She thought of Romeo and Juliet. She thought of Brad Pitt and Angelina
Jolie, but she couldn't figure out how they could dress up as them. They
could also go as something spooky, like Frankenstein and the Bride of
Frankenstein.

She looked forward to picking out costumes. It was something she and Sam
could do together.

*****

Nicole was a little surprised that her grandmother let Sam and Sara go
with them to pick out dresses for the All America Girl pageant. She was
also a bit surprised that her grandmother picked out a pretty hip place
to buy the dress.

"You didn't think I kept up with the latest fashions, did you?" her
grandmother asked as they walked into the store.

"Nope, I didn't," Nicole said. "You know grandma, you can be so cool
sometimes!"

"Sometimes?" her grandmother asked, teasing her. "Not all of the time?"

"You know what I mean, grandma," Nicole laughed.

First up was Kayla. There wasn't much decision making there. Their
grandmother picked out a dress she felt her granddaughter would look
cute in.

That wasn't hard, Nicole thought. Her little sister looked cute in just
about anything.

Next up was Amber. She was a little more selective.

She finally made her choice with a little assurance from Nicole, Sam and
Sara that she was going to look cool.

Finally, it was Nicole's turn. At her grandmother's insistence, she
tried on several dresses.

She acted like a runway model, modeling dresses for her grandmother,
Amber, Sara and Sam.

"That dress is really you!" Sara said when they finally picked up what
Nicole thought was the best one.

"I'd like to thank the Academy for this award," Nicole said, playing
like she was accepting and Academy Award. "I'd like to thank all of the
little people..."

"I can't believe my grandgirl is such a ham," her grandmother said. "You
shouldn't have any problem at all in the pageant."

They then put on shoes. She made Sam put the shoes on her feet.

"I want you to be Prince Charming," she said. "I feel like Cinderella."

"Too bad we don't have any glass slippers," Sam laughed.

"That's okay," Nicole said. "This pair will do."

They day shopping made Nicole feel special. She did really feel like
Cinderella.

Chapter 15

Amanda tried to keep from laughing as she watched her mother try to teach Nicole and Amber lessons about poise and grace for the pageant.

She had to admit she wasn't the pageant type, but Nicole and Amber seemed to enjoy their preparation.

The sight of both of them walking around the house with books on their heads was a bit funny. It was also a bit priceless. She reached for her camera and snapped photos.

"One of these days they'll kill me," she thought, because they were photos she was going to put in the album. She was also going to email them to friends to show how cute her children were.

"You girls have very good posture," Amanda's mother said.

"Looks like the ballet classes are paying off," Amanda said.

Her mother taught the girls how to sit in dresses, even though Amanda pointed out they weren't going to be sitting during the competition.

"They need to learn manners," her mother said. She extended the lessons to table manners, how to eat with utensils, how to fold napkins and how to hold cups.

"They don't teach this like they used to," she told Amanda. "I want my grandgirls to know what its like to be lady-like. That seemed to be lost with you."

"Oh, mom, really?" Amanda said, liking the thought of teasing her mother.

She watched as her mother grilled them with questions, testing their knowledge.

"What is the capitol of Florida?" she asked Nicole.

"Tallahassee," Nicole replied. "That was too easy."

She asked Amber to point out Egypt on the globe she had.

Amber pointed it out correctly.

"You wouldn't believe how children don't know geography these days?" Amanda's mother told her daughter.

"You don't say?" Amanda replied. She did her best to go along.

"Nicole, who are the Democratic candidates for president?" her mother asked.

"Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton," Nicole said, winking to her mother.

"They are going to be asked current affairs questions," Amanda's mother said.

Amanda was actually impressed.

"Well, I do pay attention in social studies," Nicole said.

"Who was the president during the Civil War?" Amanda's mother asked Amber.

"Umm––Abraham Lincoln?" Amber asked.

"Good job!" Amanda said, impressed with how smart her girls were.

"Can we show them now?" Amber whispered to Nicole.

"I guess, if grandma's through asking us questions," Nicole said.

"Show us what?" Amanda asked.

"It's a surprise," Nicole said.

The two ran upstairs to their rooms. They wanted to show their mother and grandmother their talent routines.

Amanda knew they were going to do a dance they learned in ballet. She paid for tutus for both of them.

Nicole pulled up the tights and pulled on her tutu. She made sure her hair was perfect. Amber was doing the same thing in her room.

"Ready to go back down stairs?" Nicole asked Amber as she peaked into her room.

"Uh, huh," she said.

They slowly walked down stairs, making their grand entrance back into the living room where their grandmother, mother and Kayla were waiting.

"You both look very lovely!" their grandmother said.

"Thank you grandma," Nicole said as she put a CD into the CD player and moved the coffee table to give her and Amber some room.

Amanda recthink you'll both do fine in the pageant," Amanda said.

*****

Dornan recogognized the song that was playing. It was a song from the "Waltz of the Flowers" from the Nutcracker.

The two girls danced in unison with the music. Amanda was impressed with how beautiful they danced.

She and her mother clapped when Nicole and Amber finished up with curtsies.

"That was lovely," Amanda said. "Where did you two learn that."

"Madame Ruth has been working with us and Meredith after class," Nicole said. "It's going to help us with the Nutcracker, too. She gave me the CD. Amber, Kayla and I have been working on it in the garage."

"I've got to admit, you three are pretty sneaky," their grandmother said.

"I at her desk, listening to Nicole describe how her life had been after the court battle between her mother and her aunt and uncle.

"So you've had no more bad dreams?" She asked.

"Well, sometimes," she said. "It's awful. I'm growing hair all over my body. I grow a beard. My body looks like a man. It's awful."

"I see," Andrea said. "You fear the body changes you would go through?"

"Yes, I'm not a boy," Nicole said. "I don't want to become a man."

Andrea perfectly understood the dreams. They were Nicole's real fear. Her body was about to go through puberty. It treatment weren't prescribed, than those dreams could in fact come true.

"Let me assure you, Nikki, there are things we can do to make sure you grow up to be the woman you want to be," Andrea said. "That is what you want?"

"Of course!" Nicole snapped.

"Nikki, you must understand why I asked that question," Andrea continued. "Once you reach a certain point in treatment, there are some things that aren't reversible."

"You mean after I get rid of this ugly thing between my legs and it becomes a vagina?" Nicole said.

"Yes Nikki, that's exactly what I mean," Andrea said.

"I don't ever want to go back to being a boy!" Nicole said in a matter of fact way. "I never was a boy. I feel like I'm in prison because of this thing."

There were times, Andrea thought, that Nicole seemed much older than her years.

She could see a change in Nicole. She was no longer talking with a child that seemed reserved and depressed.

Being allowed to live as a girl made Nicole much more confident. She seemed to be happier.

"This is enough for the day," Andrea told Nicole. "Ask your mom to come in here and wait for us in the waiting room."

"Okay," Nicole said. "She's all yours," she said to Amanda.

"She is an amazing girl," Andrea told Amanda. "She seems much more mature than her age."

"I've picked up that, too," Amanda said.

"She seems much more sure of herself," Andrea said. "She seems more comfortable with herself now that she is living as Nicole fulltime."

Those were words that were comforting for Amanda to hear.

"That's good, right?" she asked her friend.

"Yes it is, but there are some things you need to be aware of," Andrea said. "Has she told you about her dreams?"

"She has some," Amanda said.

"She's concerned about the changes her body will go through," Andrea said. "That's a normal thing for any preteen to go through, especially one who is transgendered."

"What should we do about it?" Amanda asked.

"Well, I think it is about time we start moving toward the next steps," Andrea said.

She gave Amanda a card with a pediatrician's name on it.

"Melanie Phillips is a very good pediatrician," she told Amanda. "She's worked with transgendered children. I think its time we start Nicole on hormone blockers."

"Wow!" Amanda said. "I knew we were going to reach this point eventually. She's growing. And there is no turning back."

She wiped a tear from her eye as she prepared to leave.

"Mom, what's wrong?" Nicole asked as they were heading to the car.

"Oh nothing, sweetpea," Amanda said. "Moms just get emotional when their babies start growing up."

"I'm not a baby, mom!" Nicole said.

"Oh yes you are!" she said as she squeezed Nicole's hand. "When I'm 100 and you're 84 and we're both in a nursing home, you'll still be my baby. So will Amber and Kayla."

*****

"Come on Sam, show us how you look!" Sara shouted as she and Nicole stood waiting outside of the changing room at the costume shop.

"He's really shy, you know!" she said to Nicole.

Slowly Sam emerged, dressed in an Arabian costume.

"You look very nice, Alladin," Nicole said. "Where is your lamp?"

"You look very cool, cuz," Sara said. "I really think this is going to be a very good idea."

Sara and Nicole came up with a Disney theme for their costumes for the Hallowe’en dance at school.

Sam and Nicole were going to be Alladin and Princess Jazmine. Sara was going to be Belle. Mark was going to be the Beast.

"Come on Mark, we're waiting," Nicole said. "If Sam showed us, you've got to show us how you look."

He came out.

"That is so cool, dude," Sam said.

Sara and Nicole were equally impressed.

"You're going to ruin your reputation," Sara said.

"You mean that of a computer geek?" Mark asked.

"Yup, you're going to look way to hip for that image," Nicole said.

"Well girls, now it is your turn," Sam said.

"Let's go show them what it is really like to be glamorous," Sara said.

"We're not going to start singing that Fergie song are we?" Nicole asked.

"Now that would be really cute," Sam laughed.

Sara and Nicole grabbed their costumes and went into the changing room.

"You're really going to drive Sam wild," Sara said.

They walked out arm-in-arm.

"What do you think?" Nicole said.

It took Sam a couple of seconds to say anything.

"I think he's stunned," Sara said.

"You guys, I mean..." Sam stammered for words to say.

"You look lovely," a voice said from the other side of the room. It was Amanda. She was the one who took the kids in search of the perfect lovely.

"But Nikki, I'm not sure I want people to see your midriff," Amanda said.

"Well, mom, Sara and I were thinking about getting our belly buttons pierced," Nicole said, knowing it would irritate her.

"Don't even go there, Nicole Taylor Meggs," Amber said, winking and faking like she was mad.

"You do look beautiful, sweetpea," she said. "And Sara, you make an elegant Belle."

"What about us, Ms. Meggs"? Sam asked.

"You boys look very cool," Amanda said. "You're going to have so much fun. I wish my school had something like that when I was your age."

*****

"We need to hurry up," Meredith said as she and Nicole put on their makeup. "They are about to announce the winner in Amber's age group.

She and Nicole rushed from their makeup tables. Amber had done and incredible job. She was one of the finalists in her age group.

"And the winner is....Amber Meggs", the emcee said.

"Way to go little sis!" Nicole said as they placed a tiara on Amber's head and gave her a bouquet of roses.

"It's about time for us to go on," Meredith said. "Good luck, Nikki!"

"Good luck to you, too, Mere," Nicole said.

Their age group started with the talent portion. Some of the girls sang. One girl acted out a part. A couple of girls twirled batons. One played the piano, although she was a little off key. Another played banjo.

Meredith took her turn. Her dance was a little different. It was more complicated, but Nicole didn't seem to mind. She knew Meredith had more years of ballet training.

Then it was her turn. She had butterflies, but they seemed to disappear once the music started. She enjoyed being on stage. She was amazed by how much applause she got.

"You did really good!" Meredith whispered as Nicole came off stage.

"So did you!"

They changed into their dresses just in time for the quizzing part of
the competition.

Nicole was amazed. She felt she didn't have much of a chance after the talent portion of the contest. Other than the poor girl who played the piano, everyone was pretty good.

But the quizzing part was an eye opener.

Most of the contestants were missing very easy questions, questions that Amber wouldn't have a problem with.

Most, but not all. Nicole was amazed how Meredith answered her questions with ease. Meredith was equally impressed with Nicole.

Meredith and Nicole were both in the final five. They had one more chance to impress the judges. They had to walk around the stage with poise.

Amanda couldn't help but giggle as Nicole walked along the stage. It was if she still had that book on her head.

Finally, it came down to the announcement of the winner. One-by-one, the names were announced. Only two girls were left on the stage...Nicole and Meredith.

It wasn't a shock that Meredith was announced as the winner. It didn't upset Nicole at all. Meredith was very good. She was very happy for her.

"Thank you, so much, it means a lot," Meredith said when Nicole hugged her. "I'm proud of you, Nikki. Your first pageant and you finished first runner-up!"

She wasn't the only one proud. There were tears in Amanda's eyes, as well as her mother's.

"All of my grandgirls did so good!" she said as Amanda took pictures of Nicole, Amber and Kayla. Nicole and Kayla wore sashes, with Kayla finishing second runner-up in her division. Nicole was glad Amber was the center of attention for once.

She was glad to let her little sister have the spotlight.

Chapter 16

Nicole stared at herself in the mirror.

She wanted to make sure the makeup looked just right. She turned in a circle with her costume. It looked nice enough, although she wasn't entirely pleased with the body in it.

Since she wasn't a "genetic" girl, she knew her breasts were going to be flat without help.

They wouldn't start to develop until she started taking estrogen, at least that's what Andrea, her shrink, told her.

Even then, she might have to have surgery.

But the blockers were making sure she didn't develop a masculine body either. In fact, Amanda thought Nikki's body was amazingly developing curves on its own, especially around her butt and hips.

"Oh my gosh, you look beautiful," Amanda said as she stared at Nicole.

"You're just saying that 'cause you're my mom," Nicole said.

"Oh no, sweetpea," Amanda said. "You are an amazingly beautiful young lady. And your costume looks great, even if your belly button does show."

Nicole gave her a big hug. Tears were flowing down her cheek.

"Do you think I'll truly be accepted as a girl," she asked.

"I don't think so, I know so," Amanda said. "If no one had ever known you were a boy once, they wouldn't believe it."

She looked around her daughter, inspecting the costume and the makeup job.

"You make an amazing Jasmine, although I never knew Jasmine had sandy hair," Amanda said.

"Well, I thought about a black wig," Nicole said.

"Oh no, I like your hair just fine," Amanda said.

"You know, that harem girl costume does give me an idea," Amanda told Nicole. "I've been thinking about taking that belly dancing class at the rec center. Amber's a bit to young, but you might be the right age."

"Oh mom, that would be so cool," Nicole said.

Suddenly a rush of feet could be heard coming down the hallway. Nicole's door bolted open.

"Mom, Nikki, come quick, you've got to see this," Amber said as she and Kayla rushed into the room.

"Slowdown," Amanda said. "Aren't you girls going to say anything about how your sister looks?"

"You look awesome, sis! Now come on," Amber said.

Nicole and Amanda rushed down the stairs to see what all of the excitement was about.

Amber made sure they looked out the window.

"Wow, now that's impressive," Amanda said about the white stretch limo in the driveway.

"Well, Sam said we were going to be riding in style," Nicole said right before the doorbell rang.

"Well hello, Street Rat," Nicole said to Sam, who was dressed as Aladin.

"Your chariot awaits, my princess," Sam said.

Nicole pretended not to be impressed.

"Well, it beats a camel," she said. "But I was sort of hoping for a magic carpet ride."

"This was all the genie could arrange," Sam said.

"I guess this will have to do," Nicole said as she climbed into the limo.

Sara, dressed as Belle, and Mark, as the Beast, were already in the car.

"Is this cool, or what?" Sara asked.

Nicole just grinned and tried not to blush.

*****

"You're an amazing dancer," Nicole whispered to Sam as they danced to a slow song.

"Thanks, well I can't take all of the credit," Sam whispered back. "Sara's been teaching me."

"Well, you've been a perfect gentleman," Nicole said as the dance came to a close. "You've really made me feel like a princess tonight."

"Well, you are a princess to me," Sam said as they took their seats at a table during a break between songs.

"Wow, you guys were cutting a rug out there!" Mark said.

"You too look so great out there," Sara said to Nicole.

"You guys aren't so bad yourselves," Nicole said as another dance started.

The four decided to sit this one out.

"Boy, the costumes are so amazing," Sara said.

Some of their fellow students came as anime characters. Sam and Nicole noticed two couples that came as gender swap couples.

There were other Disney themed char actors. A couple of Sam's friends came as Shrek and Fiona.

"I wonder where Donkey and Dragon are?" Nicole asked with a laugh.

The dance ended with a slow, romantic song.

"Shall we dance, my dear?" Sam asked.

"Why, of course, Street Rat," Nicole said as the song came on.

It was amazingly enough, Whole New World.

Nicole was amazed that Sam knew the words of the song. He serenaded her as they waltzed across the floor.

"You are so sweet," she said.

She did not want the dance to end.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we hav e an announcement to make," said Ms. Redding, who was Nicole's English teacher.

"The winners of our costume contest are....Sara and Mark," she said.

"That is so awesome," Nicole whispered to Sam. "I told Sara she looked so amazingly beautiful in her costume."

"Actually, I think it was because of Mark's beast head," Sam said with a laugh.

They enjoyed the ride home. The limo dropped Sara and Mark off first.

"Well, I guess it's time I walked you to your door," Sam said, grabbing Nicole's arm.

"I really had a nice evening," Nicole whispered. She felt goosebumps, but she didn't know whether they came from the cool night breeze or whether it was because she was nervous.

They just stood there for a few minutes in front of her door.

"Nikki, would you be offended if I give you a kiss," Sam said.

"I would be offended if you didn't," Nicole said, although she felt a little embarrassed after she said it.

Sam gave her a peck on the cheek.

Nicole blushed and smiled.

"Sam, just a second," she said as he started to walk toward the limo.

He had a curious look on his face.

She walked up to him. Put her arms around him and gave him a peck on the lips in return.

He blushed.

"Thanks for making me feel so much like a lady!" she said.

"I made you feel like a lady," Sam said. "Because you are a lady."

The end

She was thankful her son's more feminine look was confined to the weekend. He still wore the black eyeliner and the earrings to school to school, but no sign of the the lipstick, light makeup or the nail polish. His clothes, the jeans and the black shirt, they were pretty much gender neutral.

Her son's "new look" unnerved her a little bit, but she was more concerned about his safety if he dressed more girly at school. For now, she was somewhat comforted by what one of Jacob's best friends description.

"He's just considered one of the punk-freak crowd," Micah Dutton told her once when she ran into him at the store. "They're pretty much left alone. I think everyone's kind of afraid of that kind of crowd after what happened at Columbine."

"You're very reassuring," she sarcastically told her son's one time friend. She honestly thought he was a bit young to know anything about the tragic shooting at the Colorado high school more than a decade ago.

Micah and Jacob were inseparable from preschool until just a few months after the assault.

"People change," Jacob told his mother as to why he no longer hung out with Micah. "I still consider him a friend. We just don't hang out."

She told her son about the Columbine remark just to see what he'd say.

"Oh please, Mom," Jacob snapped back. "We're not that kind of a group. We're not going to all of the sudden going to gun down our classmates. Micah just doesn't understand. You know why we don't hang out anymore? Because he don't know what it's like to live through a Law and Order SVU episode."

That was the first time in a long time she'd heard him remotely mention what happened to them. She wondered how much that came into play with the changes he seemed to be going through.

"People cope in different ways, Liz," Joan told her during one of their therapy sessions. "It may explain why he's suddenly has more of a dark personality. It may explain why he seems to be taking an interest in more feminine things, I don't know. He sort of shrugs things off. He won't tell me about Jade. He won't tell me about this mysterious boy who bought him the ring."

The therapy sessions consisted of his mother going one-on-one with Joan. Jacob also had an individual session. And then they had a family session. Both Liz and her son went to rape support groups. Joan led Liz's group. But a young woman, Heather Myers, led the support group for teenagers.

"We try to keep things confidential in our group," Heather told his. "But I can tell you he's starting to open up some. It was hard for him at first, you know. He's the only boy in the group. I think he's just now beginning to get comfortable."

Wednesday was support group day for the both of them. Liz normally came up wiping away the tears from her group. They normally went for yogurt afterwards and even a little shopping.

She noticed at the yogurt shop that Jacob was wearing the ring.

"Let me see," she said as she pulled his hand away. He seemed to be trying to hide it from her.

"You know, it is pretty," she said. "You don't have to hide it from me."

Jacob cracked a small smile and pushed a few strands of hair out of his face.

"His name is Lincoln, in case you're wondering," Jacob said.

She was stunned, to say the least.

"Do you...well...like him?" his mother asked. "I mean, you don't have to answer if you don't want to."

"I sort of do," he said, being a little coy. "You don't hate me for it, do you?"

"Jacob, I don't hate you for something like that," she said. "You know me better than that. But I am worried about where that might lead."

"Don't worry, Mom," Jacob said. "I like him. But I really don't know in what way I like him. Is that weird?"

"No, I think that might make you a normal teenager," she said.

Her son cracked a smile again.

"I've missed your smile, kiddo," she said. "What do you say we go shopping? I know I promised you a new pair of jeans."

"Can I get a new shirt, too?" he asked. "The gang is supposed to go see The Hunger Games this weekend."

She told him that would be okay. He also told her he still had some of his birthday money his grandmother gave him.

"I'd like to get a pair of boots," he said.

"Since when do you wear boots?" she asked.

"Like now," Jacob said. "I really think they're cool."

She wondered if he was going to surprise her with anything else, like a request for a nose piercing, or a tattoo.

But she was glad he seemed to be in an upbeat mood. Of course, she was in for another surprise when they got in the car. She pulled out her lipstick as she looked in the rearview mirror to freshen up.

"That's a good color Mom," he said. "You don't mind if I try it?"

"Well," she said as she pushed his hair back. "I guess it won't hurt any."

Liz wondered if there would be any stares as they walked into Stringers Department Store. But Jacob had been in there before with black lipstick, and her lightly pink lipstick wasn't nearly as pronounced.

They got a buggy out. She asked Jacob to "humor" her as she picked something out in the women's department.

"No big deal, Mom," he said. She was surprised he offered her honest opinions and seemed to be interest in her taste.

" 'Gag, me', that's what you used to say," she said.

He laughed.

"I was what, 10?" he asked. "And you did sort of dress dorky back then. But you're a little more hipper now."

"Gee, thanks," she said sarcastically. "Guess now we can head over to the men's department and pick you something out."

Even though he wasn't large for 13, she couldn't believe they no longer shopped for his clothes in the boys' department.

"Actually Mom, I saw a pair of jeans over in junior department," he said in a tone of voice that seemed a little coy and a little begging.

"Are you sure?" she said. She thought, but didn't say, that it was the teenage girls department.

They went over to the jeans rack. To her relief, none of the jeans Jacob looked at were really girly. They could easily pass for stylish boys' jeans. Liz had no problems with the jeans Jacob settled on.

"And these shirts will go nicely with them, don't you think?" he said as he pulled two shirts off the rack. It was a two-for-one sale.

"They are cute," she said. They weren't earth-shattering tops. But they were girls tops nonetheless. And she was very surprised he knew what size he needed. He also picked out a metallic belt to go with the jeans.

"That wasn't entirely the word I was hoping for," Jacob said. "But I like them."

He put them into the buggy and walked over to the underwear rack.

Jacob looked a little embarassed. She walked over to him.

"You're not serious," she whispered.

"You said I needed some new underwear, that mine are getting holes," he said.

"I know, but I don't this is what I had in mind," she said.

He sensed her disappointment.

"I'll go get something in the boys department," he said as he walked slowly in that direction as if he were facing a firing squad.

Before he could get over there, he heard someone call "Hey Jade!"

It was Lincoln. He was looking at sneakers in the shoe department.

"I'm here with my Mom, too," Lincoln said. "She's around here somewhere."

Jacob motioned for his mother, who tried not to be over obvious in spying on her son.

"Mom, this is Lincoln," Jacob said. "I told her about you today."

"Nice to meet you, Mrs. Hunter," he said.

He was somewhat punkish like Jacob's other friends. He was almost 15 and a little more physically mature than Jacob.

She was stunned by how polite he was. She over heard him whispering an apology to Jacob about calling him Jade in front of his mother.

She noticed Jacob blushing.

"Text me later," Jacob said. "I've got to go pick out some boots."

"I will," Lincoln said. "Your Mom doesn't mind I'll be hanging with your crew for The Hunger Games does she?"

"No, I don't mind," she said.

Jacob was still blushing as Lincoln walked away.

"No need to be embarrassed," she assured her son.

This was turning out to be an interesting trip shopping.

"You tell me about Jade and I'll let you pick out a pack of panties," she whispered to her son.

"Deal," he whispered back.

In his support group, they talked about new beginnings, a finding of a new self, a new voice.

Jade, Jacob told his mother, was his new voice.

"But why a girl?" his mother asked.

Jacob told his mother he couldn't explain it.

"I just roll with it," he told his mother as he picked out a pair of boots in the women's department,
"Raven has a pair like these," he said. "I thought they looked cool on her."

She wondered how much of Jade Jacob would show as he picked out a small a small purse to go along with the clothes, and some makeup.

"Being Jade, Mom, helps me make it through the day," he said sobbing as they returned to the car.

Jade was a warrior, about like Katniss Everdine, his heroine from The Hunger Games. Being her helped him fight the nightmares "about that moster who stole my virginity."

"Wow, that's a new look for you," Heather Myers said when Jacob and his mother showed up at self-defense class.

"I asked mom if she'd do it," he said of the french braid. "Keeps my hair out of my face when we're kick-boxing."

"Oh, so you're not making a fashion statement?" His support group leader asked.

"Come on Heather," he replied. "What kind of fashion statement can I make in a t-shirt, sweat pants and tennis shoes?"

"Nice to know you're really opening up, there, Jade," she said as she gave him a hug. "It's a little different than the reserved, 'can't get anything out of you' Jake."

He shrugged his shoulders and went over to tapped his mom on her back. She was in deep conversation with another member in class.

"So Mom, you going to kick butt tonight?" he said with a laugh. "Shelley tells me we get to beat up on a cop tonight."

"Why sure buttercup," she laughed and faked a karate chop.

"Remember when you used to have to drag him from the car?" the woman his mother was talking to asked.

It almost took an act of Congress to get him from the house to the YMCA for class. The class was required for both support groups. And kind of frightening. He was the only boy out of about 20 women and girls ranging from preteen to teenage.

And his presence at first made some of them uncomfortable. Some attitudes toward men ranged from fear to anger.

But they came to realize he was as much a victim as any in the room.

His mother wondered if Jade's emergence had anything to do with her son possibly having similar feelings. She whispered as much to him as they were doing crunches during warmups.

He giggled. She never really heard him do so before. He remained silent and groaned out the last few remaining situps.

"You think I'm Jade because I hate men," his whispered to his mother as he reached the end of the situps. "I fear the thug who did this to us. But I don't hate men."

"That's a relief," his mother said as they stood up to do jumping jacks.

"I just don't want to become one," Jacob whispered as he put his arm around his mother.

Don't want to become one? What did he mean by that she wondered as they gathered around the policeman at the mat. He went over some moves they could try if an attacker bigger than they were tried to grab them. He then asked for volunteers.

Nearly everyone was surprised when Jacob raised his hand.

"OK, Miss, you first," the young officer said.

Jacob didn't say a word to correct. And shockingly, neither did his mother, Heather or anyone else in the group.

"Kick his butt, Jade," shouted his friend and fellow "victim," Shelley.

The young officer grabbed him. Jacob caught him by surprise by executing one of the moves perfectly and flipping the young officer to the mat.

The group applauded.

"That's my....girl?" his mother said as Jacob walked back over to her, grinning from ear-to-ear.

Jacob nodded, then curtsied.

"Yes, I'm your girl, Mom," Jacob said. "Your turn. Go kick his tail."

The young officer seemed mildly embarrassed as his mother approached him.

"My daughter, Jade, she's just now starting to learn to be aggressive," she said to him.

"She's a fast learner," he said with a laugh, then tried to put a move on his mother, catching her by surprise. But she also remembered the move Jade put on him, and flipped him to the mat.

"Way to go, Mom!" he shouted as she watched his mom pull the officer up off the mat.

Her mother came over and hugged him.

"You inspired me, Jade," she said.

*****

"I'm evolving, Mom," were the words her ever-changing child said as they walked over to Starbucks after class.

There was the evolution of appearance, although still not radically feminine. There was the evolution of attitude and to a degree, confidence.

A cell phone call while her child was in the bathroom alerted her to that next evolutionary issue: Pronouns.

She was warming to Jacob's evolutionary movement into Jade. While she was beginning to see the girl in her child, she still saw the boy as well. Jacob was making a gradual shift toward feminity. Despite the looks with the french braid, her child choose to go to the men's room.

He left his cell on the table. The phone call seemed to be a wakeup call for mom.

"No, Jade's in the bathroom," his mom told Raven.

"Can you tell her that we'll be by to pick her up at nine for The Hunger Games," Raven said over the phone. "We want to get something to eat before the show."

It was the premeire at the big movie theater in town.

"Raven called," she said when her child returned from the restroom. "She said they'll be by to pick you up at nine."

"Cool," Jade said. "That'll give me enough time to shower, change and get my makeup on."

Her son, turning daughter, noticed his mom's uneasy silence.

"You want to talk to me about something, don't you?" Jade ask.

Truth is, she had several, starting with getting a handle on Jade persona. She also wanted to ask her child about Lincoln, and the full nature of their relationship.

But first things first, the use of the English language. The use of pronouns.

"What do I call you?" she asked. "What pronouns do I use?"

Jade giggled.

"You have that look on your face because you want to know what pronouns to call me?" Jade giggled.

As had been the case over the past few weeks, her child seemed coy about giving a direct answer.

"Well, I went into the bathroom and saw the urinals on the wall," her child said as if talking in some sort of parable.
"I thought, I can't believe I used to stand when I peed. How lame is that? I sat down, did my business, and felt like I was in a strange land the whole time."

Not entirely a direct answer. But she remembered her child's words at the gym.

"I don't hate men," Jade said at the gym. "I just don't want to become one."

She watched as her child practiced her name on a piece of scrap paper.

More detail was put into the writing. It looked more girlish than her child's handwriting ever looked.

Jade Naomi Hunter were the words written on the paper with a heart dotting the i in Naomi.

"That's me," her child said. "That's want I want to be called."

"Naomi, that's for your grandmother?" she asked.

"Yup," Jade said. "She's the second strongest woman I know."

"Who is the first?" her mom.

"That's for you to figure out," Jade said.

*****

"Your ride is here!" she yelled up to her child's room.

Raven's mother was the chaperone in an SUV with soon to be seven teenagers, the usual five-member crew, Lincoln and Lincoln's sister.

"Bye Mom," Jade said as she tried to sneak out the door.

"Hold it right there, buster ... I mean buttercup," she said, catching Jade as she tried to slip out the door. "Let me get a look at you."

Jade sported the punk-girl look with the clothes they bought at the store the other day, the jeans, the black shirt, the metallic belt and the books. The way she had her hair, the makeup, hoop earrings, even the painted nails didn't really shock her.

Seeing her child with what looked like breasts did.

"What are those?" her mom asked.

"Breastforms," Jade replied stoically.

"Where did you get them?," her mom asked.

"Shelley got them for me, said she had them at her house," Jade said. "I'm sorry Mom, hope you're not mad. Please let me where them."

They weren't large. They seemed to be about the size for a girl Jade's age. She knew if Jade seriously yearned to be a girl, she'd want breasts. She didn't know what to say. She relented.

"Thanks. Mom," Jade said as she gave her mother a hug and went running out the door.

"Have a good time!" her mom shouted.

She suddenly knew the answer of the great pronoun question.

She wondered around the house, pondering the many unanswered questions about her child. She also thought about her own fears.

She walked up to her child's room and saw the computer on. There was a page still open. It was from "Jade Naomi's Journal of Her Journey."

"I saw her naked, bruised and weeping the way little boys should never see their mother. I saw her cry and scream as he made me watch. I cried. I screamed. I saw her fight when he went inside her like he did me. I saw her fight and claw to get out of the ropes when he did to me what he did to her. She never gave up. She is strong for me. She is my hero. She's always told me I can be anything I choose to be. That last night with him, I knew what I wanted to be. I wanted to be a strong woman like her."

Chapter 4

It was supposed to be a day of fun at the skateboard park.

The gang of five usually had the park to themselves. It wasn't really a place where jocks showed up.

That's why Jade thought she could be herself when her friends came by the house to ask her to come along.

She wasn't dressed too girly, just a ponytail, makeup and her middriff showing. She could be sort of a goth-punk chick. Her friends didn't care.

They were dressed about like she was, well except not the guys, they weren't dressed girly at least. And it started off fun.

That was until a few jocks showed.

"I didn't think they liked skateboarding," Paul said.

"I didn't either," Raven replied.

"Let's just mind our own business," Jade said. "And hope they mind theres."

No such luck. They heard laughter. At their expense.

"What are you creeps laughing at?" Paul shouted.

"Four freaks and a queer," one of the boys shouted back. "What are you going to do about it?"

"Come on Paul, just walk away," Jade said pulling his arm.

"Yeah, listen to the queer, or is it fairy?" another boy shouted.

It was too much for Paul. He lit into one of the boys. Spencer tried to pull him off, but another boy grabbed Spencer.

It was more than Jade could bear. She tried to grab one of the boys on top of Paul. But he turned around and grabbed Jade by the hair.

"How about a little kiss, you sweet fairy!" the boy teased.

"Not on your life, you creep," Jade replied, then put a move on him she learned in self-defense. She flipped him, which drew laughter from the other boys taunting them.

Another one of the embarrassed boys friends tried to come to his aid. The other girls tried to help Jade, but they were pushed away. Raven received a slap in the mouth.

Paul and Spencer were being held as two boys grabbed Jade and held her for their friend who had been embarrassed. Paul and Spencer could not get free. The boy punched Jade in the gut and then in the face.

That was the last thing Jade remembered.

****

"Don't you think things might be a little easier if you went back to being a boy?" Jade's mother told her as she wiped her head.

"I'm not a boy," Jade said groggily from the hospital bed.

She had a black eye, a few bruised ribs and a swollen lip. She had a little lump on her head and suffered a concussion, which was the reason the hospital was keeping over night for observation.

Her mother hugged her tight.

"I guess you don't like choosing the easy route," she told her daughter.

Just then a nurse came in.

"You charts look okay," the nurse said. "If all goes well, the doctor says you'll be out in the morning. You're one brave little girl from what I've been told."

Jade rolled her eyes and told her thanks.

Just then, a familiar face walked into the room. Detective Amy Lawrence was one of the lead investigators on the kidnapping a few years back.

"How's it going Detective Benson? Where's Detective Stabler?" Jade said jokingly about the show Law & Order SVU.

"Don't you know, Detective Stabler is no longer on the show," Detective Lawrence replied. "And wow, I'll say you sure have changed since the last time we talked."

"You'll have to excuse my daughter's sarcasm, Detective Lawrence," Jade's mother said.

"Oh, that's okay," the detective said. "I'm sure she's been through a lot. I'll have to admit, I was a little surprised to hear a transgendered teen was beaten, and that she was a boy who was a victim in a case I once worked."

"It's a long story," Jade's mother told her.

"I understand," Detective Lawrence said. "When Jade gets released, I'd really like to talk to her about what happened. Would you mind stopping by in a couple of days. We're treating this like a hate crime."

Jade nodded her head yes, although what happened at the skate park was still a little blurry in her mind.

Shortly after Detective Lawrence left the room, Raven and Spencer dropped by for a visit.

"That's a new look for you," Raven said of the blue, somewhat frilly and silky nightgown Jade wore.

"Oh I know," Jade replied. "I swear it's growing on me. One of the nurses gave it to me to wear instead of the hospital gown."

Raven and Spencer told her what happened at the skate park after Jade blacked out. People at a nearby store witnessed the fight. They called the police.

The police broke up the fight, but no one was arrested. Two of the boys were on the football team.

"They threatened to tell the police that Paul started the fight," Spencer said. "But Detective Lawrence told them they could face arrest because of what they did to you."

"They'll still probably get away with it," Jade said.

Raven told Jade she was transported to the hospital. She told Jade that they were a little surprised to find that Jade was a boy physically.

"But they've treated you as a girl the whole time you've been here," Jade's mother said.

*****

Jade felt like a scientific experiment. One more CAT scan to make sure her head was okay. Joan, her therapist, was waiting when they returned.

She talked with Jade a little bit about what happened at the skate park.

"You know you're going to have to expect things like this to happen if...." Joan said.

"If I continue to be a girl," Jade said. "Joan, Mom, Jade is not a different personality or an alter ego. Jade is who I am. Jade is who I choose to be. I am a girl. I'm not a boy."

They talked about the next step. They talked about hormone blockers. Joan recommended a therapist who had more experience in dealing with gender varient children.

"If you are in this for the long haul, then I am, sweetie," her mother told her.

Jade hugged her Mom.

Shortly after Joan left, Lincoln slowly walked into the room with two women. Jade was a little embarrassed by her appearance. She whispered to her mom she wished she had makeup on.

"These are my Moms," he said, introducing the women to Jade and her mother. They had actually met Jade when Jade was Jacob.

"We know all about the type of harrasment you went through," said Faith, the woman Jade knew to be Lincoln's biological mom, although they made little distinction in their relationship. Lincoln regarded both as his parents.

They invited Jade and her mother to dinner when she got out of the hospital.

"We know you've been through a hard time and probably won't be in the mood to make anything, or even go out," said Lincoln's other mother, Sue.

"Thanks, we appreciate it," Jade's mother said. "We'll probably take you up on the offer."

"We were out of town," Lincoln said. "Or else I would have been there. If I had been there, maybe they wouldn't have done something to you."

"Oh, they probably would," Jade said. "Paul and Spencer tried to protect me, but there were too many of them. They would have probably beaten you up, too. Be glad you weren't there."

Lincoln pulled out a bag from behind his back.

Jade smiled as she pulled out a Hello Kitty T-shirt and a stuffed Hello Kitty doll.

"I saw them at the store and thought it was you," Lincoln said.

Jade gave Lincoln a hug.

"Oh yes, I love it," she whispered. "You do know what I like."

May 7, 2010. A day that changed everything for him. He began to evolve!

 

---

Image Credit:Venus Boticelli

---

 
 
Chapter 5
 
The evolution of Jade began shortly after Jacob first met Raven.

There were thrown into a "peer group" at school. Raven had been molested by a family friend as a child.

There were outcasts in the small group. Jacob was the nerdy boy. Raven was the punk girl. Neither fit in to the group, or really wanted to open up.

They were also in the same science class.

Even though Jacob had his "geek" friends like Micah, he was a loner in the class. So was Raven.

That was until Raven plopped down beside him and demanded they become lab partners. Slowly Jacob warmed to Raven, and they shared experiences with each other very few of their friends at school could understand.

Paul, Katrina and Spencer couldn't at first understand their fellow punk friend's fascination with the more nerdier friend.

She stood up for Jacob one day when he was being bullied at school. It was on that day, Jacob made the decision to "evolve" into someone totally different.

They were discussing in class evolution, survival of the fittest and natural selection.

"I dunno, can you really call it evolution if you intend to make subtle changes that turn you into a new person?" Raven asked. "But I am intrigued by the idea."

Jacob described his plan with his friend. He would observe traits, attitudes, and tastes of other people. Ideas he found intriguing, he would try.

"I don't intend to become like anyone in particular," he told his friend. "I intend to become me."

Step one, he told her, was that he no longer wanted to "be a victim." And to that end, he wanted to become "tougher," a toughness that he saw in Raven.

"I don't know if I'm really that tough," Raven said.

Each day, he would point out to Raven, and take notes of things he observed in other people. How they walked, the clothes they wore, how they wore their hair. One of the things Raven appreciated was that Jacob didn't always observe the obvious. One day, they talked about the star quarterback. The next was the chunky girl who played the flute.

And it wasn't really limited to people their age. They talked about the security, the 60-year old English teacher who was looking forward to retire.

Raven laughed once when her friend mimicked the 40-year-old math teacher who had the reputation of being a cougar as she ate an apple.

"Oh dear God, you do that really well," Raven observed.

The first real shift was that Jacob began to spend less time with his geeky friends and began to spend more time with Raven and her friends, were skeptical when Jacob began hanging out with them, and began adopting more of a punk persona.

"He'll eventually grow bored of it and return to his geekier self," Spencer once told Raven.

"Oh, I don't know, a darker persona suits him," Raven replied.

Jacob drifted toward screamo music and darker clothes. He took up skateboarding and did quite well.

Eventually, he slid into the group. One thing he found was that things were not necessarily what they seemed with his newer friends.

They weren't rebels. They weren't trouble makers. They seemed to relish more in the outcast personal.

From time-to-time, he gave Raven an update on the evolutionary process, which now included choosing a new name.

Jacob tried several Gaellic and Nordic names, and names from mythology. Nothing really stuck.

That was until one day when he was invited by Raven and Kat to go a college art gallery. Two things Jacob observed that day would shift the evolutionary process into a direction Jacob's friends would not imaging. But for Jacob, nothing had really been off the table.

The first was a necklace worn by Kat. It had a green stone that seemed to match her eyes.

"Wow, that is really beautiful," Jacob said as he held the green stone in his hand. "It's pretty, but not Barbie, perky pretty. Kind of exotic, don't you think?"

"Oh I know," Kat said. "That's one reason why I love jade so much."

It was like a lightbulb turned on.

"What do you guys think of Jade?" Jacob asked.

"I really agree with Kat," Raven said. "And with you, it is really beautiful."

"I don't mean the stone," Jacob asked. "I mean as a name for me."

Raven looked at Kat. They both smiled.

"You are beautiful to us, and exotic, even," Kat said.

"Yeah, and not Barbie pretty," Raven said. "I think it suits you well."

Their friend remained amazingly silent as they walked around and looked at the pieces.

"You think someone can be beautiful, but also tough?" the newly named Jade asked Raven and Kat.

"Absolutely," Raven answered.

They went back to looking at art pieces.

The three stopped to watch a young artist working on a mural at the museum. Jade first observed a jade colored butterfly tattoo on the shoulder of the very light-skinned dark-haired woman painting a copy of Venus Rising from the Sea.

Then Jade stood and looked at Venus, her hair, body.

The three made comments about the painting's beauty.

As they walked out of the museum, Jade asked for opinions about the young woman artist. And then a Girl Troop walked by, and Jade gave obervations about each one.

Raven and Kat gave their opinions and were really impressed by Jade's observations.

They walked over to the park and sat down in the grass. Raven and Kat didn't seem to notice how Jade mimmicked their posture.

Jade then gave an observation about the elderly woman who fed pigeons from her bench. And the young woman jogger who was jogging with her boyfriend.

It was then Raven made an observation of her own.

"Have you noticed Jade here has been asking about observations about women and girls," Raven asked Kat.

"Now that you mention it," Kat said.

"Guilty," Jade said.

Just then, a group of shirtless boys jogged by. Jade knew one of the boys, his named was Lincoln, he was one one of Jade's classes.

He waved at Jade. Jade waved back.

Jade began to laugh.

"What, what" Raven asked.

"This is embarrassing," Jade said. "But he has a nice butt, doesn't he?"

"That's not usually your normal observation," Kat giggled. "But yes, yes he does."

"Agree," Raven said.

As soon as the laughter faded, Jade decided to give another evolution report.

"I am Jade," Jade said. "And I'm ..... a girl."

"You know, that actually makes sense," Raven said. "It really didn't dawn on me that you were exploring the possibility of actually being a girl. But you were observing both boys and girls."

"I was open to becoming female the day I saw Lillith Jenners walk by," Jade said. "She was graceful and beautiful, even though she was short and geeky. Anna Phillips, you know people pick on her because of her weight. But she has this confidence to tell people to shove it. Seeing your necklace, the artist and the mural, it's like Venus spoke to me."

"Wow, and what did she say?" Kat asked.

"Don't you know you're female?" Jade said. "You aren't becoming one. You are one."

"And beautiful one, and exotic," Raven said.

"Pretty, but not Barbie pretty," Kat said.

---

 
 
To Be Continued...
 

 

---

 
The image comes from a punk rock girls hairstyle website. It is only meant represent the character.
 

---

 
 
"I cannot get used to the look," Mr. Palmer told Jade as she sat in the principal's office.

Jade's dark hair was highlighted by purple, pink and blue. She wore a sleeveless black top, blue jean skirt, black tights with holes, tennis shoes, make up, purple lipstick.

And a stud piercing in her nose.

"Did you really have to dress like this on your first day back to school?" He asked.

"Dress like what?" Jade asked.

"Don't try to be smart, Jacob," the principal said. "We never really had trouble out of you before."

Jade rolled her eyes.

"It's Jade, the name is Jade," Jade quietly.

"Yes, Jade," the principal replied.

It had been an eventful few days for Jade.

Her mother requested the school board accept her enrollment of Jade as a girl. The board refused, but settled for a compromise. Jade could dress as a girl, but nothing too radical. As long as it matched the dress code for girls.

And the first few days, Jade wore the usual. T-shirts, jeans. Gender neutral clothes.

But Jade caused a stir changing for gym. Changing revealed her wearing panties and a bra in front of the boys in the lockerroom. A couple of boys laughed. But most just stood and stared. Even Coach Jackson was shocked.

Jade felt a little uncomfortable.

"But I've been raped by a man," she told Raven. "After that, this was nothing."

After school, a boy called Jade queer and pushed her into a locker. She kneed the boy in the balls and flipped him over her shoulder, The self defense classes paid off.

The boy was sent to alternative school. Jade served a four-day suspension.

Even the conservative school board felt Jade had a right to defend herself.

After the incident, Jade told her mother there was no longer hiding who she was. That's why she decided on the wardrobe she now wore in the principal's office.

It was similar to what Raven wore, and Kat wore.

"I'm not in trouble, am I?" Jade asked.

"Well, the lockerroom incident sort of unnerved Coach Jackson," Mr. Palmer said. "Tried to figure out what to do with you. But Miss Louellen has decided to take you on in her squad. But I have to get permission from you and your mother to transfer you to girls P.E. Also, given the incident, you have permission to use the girl's bathroom."

"That's it?" Jade asked. "Shouldn't I be doing that anyway?"

Jade thought she was there because of the way she dressed. She gladly took the principal's note and walked out.

"So you're not in anymore trouble?" Raven asked.

"Nope," Jade replied. "It was just something pretty stupid."

****

"You wanted to see me, Miss Baker?" Jade asked her English.

"Yes, come into my humble abode," the young teacher said about her small office. "Take a seat."

"Not in trouble, am I?" Jade asked.

"No, you are one of my best students," Miss Baker said. "You're also one of my most unique students."

Lori Baker was Jade's favorite teachers. She was edgy. She listened to some of her favorite music artists. The fact that her teacher had a photo made with Pink increased her street cred.

"I wanted to talk to you about your poem submissions from your last assignment," Miss Baker said.

"Hope I did OK," Jade said.

"They're a little dark, a little serious," Miss Baker said. "And given your experiences, there's probably a reason for that. But I found them to be extraordinary."

"Thanks, I think?" Jade said.

"It's a compliment," Miss Baker said. "Best submissions in the class. You've got a gift."

Jade smiled.

"I'm sure my mom will be glad to hear that," Jade said.

"I didn't entirely ask you here to discuss your grade," Miss Baker said. "I have to send nominations for Dickenson College's poetry contest. The nominees get to particpate in a poetry slam the weekend the awards ceremony is held. I nominate four girls each year. Amy McGruder, Tasha Voss and Raven Torre are three of my confirmed nominees. Raven's a friend of yours, correct?"

"Yes, and I think that sounds really cool," Jade said. "I think that's something Raven would really like to do."

"But is it something you would like to do, that's what I want to know," Miss Baker said.

"Me?" Jade asked.

"Yes, you," Miss Baker said. "It's a female-only competition. It's a women's college. They are very open minded. They accept Transgendered female students. And they accept entries from transgendered students. I want to send the four best girls from this school to the competition. Is there any reason I shouldn't submit your work for the contest?"

"What about the school board?" Jade asked.

"What about it?" Miss Baker said. "Dickenson College does not go by what the school board says. I talked to them this morning. Are you a girl or not?"

Suddenly, Jade broke into tears.

"Without a doubt," Jade answered.

"Well, Miss Hunter, you don't have to prove anything to me," Miss Baker said as she handed her a tissue.

"Have your mother sign this form, and we're all set," Miss Baker said. "You'd be rooming with Raven and Tasha. They've alread cleared it with their mothers," Miss Baker added.

"Guess I better go to class," Jade said as she picked up her books.

"Nice skirt, by the way," Miss Baker said. "That's a really good look for you."

*****

"So where is the ..." Katrina asked.

"Oh Kat, you're kidding me," Jade said as she pulled on her gym shorts.

"Well, you know it does appear to be missing," Shelly said.

"Ladies, we hit the gym in five minutes," Coach Louellen yelled.

Jade rolled her eyes.

"I keep the 'thing' tied down," Jade said. "You wouldn't believe how hard that is to do."

"It's amazing," Kat said. "You couldn't tell you have one."

"Katrina!" Shelly said.

"It's OK," Jade said. "I'll have to put up with it until the 'thing' gets cut off when I'm 18."

"Wow, that's blunt," Katrina said.

"But I have to say, there wasn't as much gawking as there was in the boy's lockerroom."

"What, you think we haven't seen a girl in bras and panties before?" said a girl in their class named Sara, who eavesdropped on the conversation.

"I believe that is the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me," Jade said with a laugh to Katrina and Shelly as they entered the gym.

They found out it was self defense day. And it was the same cop from the Y.

And the same result. Jade flipped the cop much to the amusement of her fellow classmates.

The cop had some healthy tips. But Shelly and Jade had been through it before and were pros.

"Nice job out there, Miss Hunter," Coach Louellen said as she asked Jade into her office.

"I think I've been in everyone's office today," Jade said as she sat down.

"The school board almost wouldn't let you in this class," Coach Louellen said. "But I told them you wouldn't be a disruption."

"I appreciate it, coach," Jade said.

"You're not as rebellious as you put on," Coach Louellen said. "You want to know why I suggested you join my squad?"

Jade was curious. Not every faculty member was as welcoming as Coach Louellen or Miss Baker.

"I don't think it's a secret about my orientation," Coach Louellen said. "I know what it's like to be different."

She was right. Jade, well, pretty much the whole school knew Coach Louellen was a lesbian. She'd caught some flack for that, too.

"When I watched you, I didn't see a boy pretending to be a girl," she said. "I just saw a girl. Now if you ever turn back into that scrawny boy that started at this school a couple of years ago, then you're out."

"That's not happening," Jade said as she walked out the door.

"And Jade, I also know what was done to you," Coach Louellen said. "I know what you and Shelly and a few other girls went through. I went through the same when I was a kid. You're not alone. Remember that."

"I will," Jade said.

*****

"How was you're first day back?" Jade's mom asked when she got in the car.

"It really wasn't a bad day," Jade said. "Got some forms for you to sign. They put me in a girls' P.E. class, and Miss Baker's nominated me for an award. They need you to sign on for both."

"Girls P.E. class?" his mom asked.

"Yeah, and I get to use the girls bathroom," Jade said. "I know, real exciting stuff."

Her mom laughed, and then ran her fingers through her blossoming daughter's hair.

"Good to see you in a good mood," her mom said. "You've been a little moody since you started on the hormones."

"I'm sorry about that," Jade said. "Lincoln has noticed it, too. I don't mean to be so moody."

"That's OK," her mom said. "I scheduled us for a mani-pedi, if you don't think that's too girlie. I'm stressed out, I sure could use it. I'm sure they have black toe nail polish if you'd like."

"Never had that before, so I don't think it's too girlie," Jade said. "But I was thinking something more along the lines or purple or blue."

Her mother laughed.

"Somehow, I knew you wouldn't go for something 'normal'," her mom said. "Jade Naomi Hunter, you are one of a kind."
 

---

 
 
To Be Continued...
 

"I'll be honest Liz, I thought you were making a big mistake letting Jacob pretend to be Jade." said her co-worker and best friend, Meg. "But I do believe I can't be more wrong. Jade is not pretend."

"It wasn't easy for me to let Jade be Jade," Liz whispered back as they looked on Jade cradling Meg's 5-year-old in a chair, and reading her a book.

"I think our mothers are back, Emmie," Jade whispered. "Did you like the story>"

Emmie yawned and whispered "yes."

Jade picked up Emmie over her shoulder. She winked at their moms as she carted Emmie off to her bedroom.

Liz couldn't help but smile as she noticed Jade wearing a tiara, scarf and a matching pink tutu that Emmie wore.

Jade tucked Emmie in bed, and gave her a kiss on the forehead.

"Jade, can you be my babysitter forever?" Emmie whispered.

"Oh, I think that's up to your mommy little one," Jade said, looking back at their moms and smiling.

"Think you for helping us out in a pinch, Jade," Meg said.

"It was nothing Mrs. Porter, Emmie was a doll," Jade replied.

"This is a new look for you," Jade's mother replied, pointing out the tiara and the tutu that Jade wore over her jeans.

"It was something we dug out of Emmie's closet," Jade said. "We played ballerinas and had a tea party."

"Yeah, she loves that," Meg said.

"Didn't figure you for the ballerina and tea party type, sweetie," Jade's mom said.

"Oh, I don't know, maybe ballet would suit me," Jade said with a laugh.

"Well, Emmie loves it, don't knock it," Meg said.

"I'm not," Jade said. "Emmie was really cute when she was showing me the steps. And I'm keeping the tutu and tiara, by the way. I've got an idea for an outfit."

"Oh, now that's the Jade I do know," her mom replied.

"Can't wait to see it," Meg laughed. "And I have to say that I'm impressed. It's not every babysitter who wins Emmie's heart on the first day.

"She won my heart, too," Jade said.

"Well, I do hope you'll babysit for us again," Meg said, handing Jade $40.

"Would love to," Jade said. "Thanks for asking me tonight."

*****

"That was a different side of you," Jade's mother said when they got into the car.

"Not really, kids are cool," Jade said. "I just regret ... "

"Regret what?" her mother asked.

"I saw a woman who was pregnant at the store," Jade said. "It made me sad that I won't be able to have a baby, to feel one growing inside of me."

"That's the price of being Jade," her mother replied. "You know you could ..."

"Oh, no, there's no going back," Jade said as they pulled up to the dress shop where her mother wanted to shop for dresses for a luncheon. "Jacob was who I was. It's not who I am."

"I just wanted to ..." her mother said.

"I know," Jade said. "You're just being Mom."

Her mother marveled at how comfortable Jade was being a girl, how the change in personality seemed really natural. In the past, Jacob rolled his eyes as his mom looked for clothes, but brought him because she couldn't find a sitter.

Jade seemed more like a fashion consultant. Even for an edgy, punk rock, tough teenager, she seemed to be catching up on the latest trends.

"That really is you, Mom," Jade told her mother when her mother came out of the dressing room with a dress that caught her eye. "I think you'll look really good at that luncheon.

"Thank you," her mother replied. "I am amazed by your sense of style. You really continue to surprise me."

Jade surprised her by asking if she could try on a few dresses. Even as Jade, she wasn't really known as the "frou frou" type.

And once again, she surprised her mom with a sensible sun dress.

"It's $35," she told her mom. "I can get it with my baby sitting money. Lincoln keeps begging me to go on a picnic with him."

"It's not quite the edgy style I'm beginning to warm up to," her mother said. "But you do look nice in it."

"Thanks, Mom!" Jade said.

The two stopped at the park. Jade's mom had a few things on her mind.

"I'm still processing this," she confessed. "The other day, I noticed your breast buds after you climbed out of the shower. Your butt, your hips are a little firmer. The hormones are kicking in, just like Joan said. But I'm still coming to grips with you dating a boy."

"I don't know if you could really call it a date, Mom," Jade said. "He's just a really good friend."

"But a friend you like, and he likes you," her mother said.

"Yes," Jade said, blushing.

Lincoln wasn't exactly like her "punk" friends. He was more of a normal kid. And Jade seemed more like a normal kid around him, less edgy, less tough, more sensitive.

*****

A trip to the police station wasn't exactly what they had in mind to complete the day.

As they were heading home, they received a text to come by the police station from Detective Lawrence.

"Please, not Detective Benson jokes," her mother told Jade on the way there.

Detective Lawrence asked to meet privately in her office.

"I don't really know how to tell you two this, but he's escaped," Detective Lawrence said.

"How?, how could this happen?" Jade's mom replied. "He's supposed to be at a maximum security prison."

"He had help Liz," the detective said. "He is on the run with two others. We'll catch him, I promise."

Jade sat quietly as her mother and the detective talked.

"We'll he try to get to us?" Jade's mother asked.

"It's possible," Detective Lawrence said. "Your testimony and Jacob's was what put him away. We're going to do everything we can to keep him away from you. We're going to have extra patrols in your neighborhood, around the school and at your work."

"If he comes around, I'll kill him," Jade said stoically.

"I think it's best you steer clear of him if you see him," Detective Lawrence said.

"It actually may help that Jade is no longer Jacob," Detective Lawrence told her mother. "He probably won't recognize her."

*****

"I'm sorry, Mr. Palmer, I'm not having a good day," Jade said with head bowed in the principal's office.

There was nothing like finding a note taped to her locker that read "Repent queer" that also contained a Bible verse.

Jade rushed outside to the small group of protesters who had been protesting since the school system allowed Jade to attend school as Jade.

She recognized the handwriting of the person responsible: Ruth Spencer, pastor's daughter. Her church was the group protesting. Ruth was there with her mother right before school.

"You fucking bitch!" Jade shouted as she shoved Ruth to the ground.

Ruth's mother, Holly Spencer, threatened to have Jade arrested for assault, but Jade's English teacher, Lori Baker, threatened to have Ruth arrested on hate crime charges.

"She's in my class along with Jade, I know the handwriting anywhere," Miss Baker said.

Mr. Palmer held off calling Jade's mother. And did his best to calm down the Spencers and other church members.

He explained to the group of protesters that a convicted rapist had escaped and any action by the school board might draw his attention.

"The last thing we need is unwanted attention," Mr. Palmer said. "We don't want to endanger our students."

He let the Spencers leave. He let Jade calm down.

"If I was in your place, I probably would have done the same thing," he said. "Especially with what you and your mother are going through," he said.

"Amy I free to go?" Jade asked.

"You are free to go," he said.

Waiting outside were Miss Baker and her friends. She hugged Raven and Kat.

She clung to Lincoln.

"Hold me, don't ever leave me," she whispered.

Oscar Rudolph Samuels was the name of the predator that shook Elizabeth and Jacob Hunter's world during those few days in May in 2010.

He struck before. Two women, two girls and a boy were his victims before that ended up sending him to prison for life once before. Somehow he managed to escape.

He attacked another woman before meeting the mother and son in need of help on the side of the road. All three had to relive their nightmares on the stand in a trial that once again piled another life sentence on to the previous one he received.

"We're putting him away for good, don't you worry," the prosecutor told Liz and her son.

Yet again, he was able to break out of prison.

"It's really not a shock to me," Liz told her friend Meg. "He was a charming, friendly man when you first meeting. You wouldn't know how much of a monster he is."

His face graced many of Liz's nightmares. It graced many of Jacob's and now Jade's, too.

"Feeling him inside of me, stretching me, I was in pain," Jade described part of the horror to Lincoln. "I thought he was going to rip me apart."

Both mother and now daughter thought they had moved on for the most part. But the latest escape brought everything back.

There were quite a few sleepless nights. They couldn't believe it when news came that he participated in a robbery with the two
other escapees. They were caught. He was not. He managed to elude police.

"It was almost as if he vanished in thin air," Detective Lawrence said.

Liz and Jade tried their best not to think about it. They tried to continue on with their lives.

"He held us hostage once," Liz Hunter told their therapist. "He will not again."

*****

The news did not stop the "evolution" of Jade.

Her mother and her mother's friend, Meg, began to see a softer side of Jade.

Meg's daughter Emmie seemed to have that effect on Jade.

"Don't you both look like fairy princesses," Meg said when she picked up Emmie and Jade from the ballet studio.

Jade wore a ballet bun, black leotard, pink tights and a wrap skirt. Emmie wore the same, except in her class' required pink.

Jade let Emmie talk her into taking the "big girls" class that was the same time as Emmie's.

"Seriously, Jade, you do look very beautiful," Meg said. "I think that's a good look for you. Hope you enjoyed it. And thank you
for appeasing Emmie."

"Thank you Mrs. Porter," Jade said. "You know, I think the grace and beauty stuff might rub off on me."

"She danced like a fairy princess, Mommy, you shoulda seen her!" Emmie said.

"I bet she did!" Emmie's mother said.

"Maybe a fairy princess who was a little tipsy," Jade said with a laugh. "I was a mess."

She explained Emmie's class ended 30 minutes before her class and the little girls came in to watch the "big girls."

"We got to watch them, too, since their class started before ours did," Jade said. "They were sooo cute!"

Meg took Jade and Emmie for yogurt after the class. Jade kept on the leotard, tights and skirt to match Emmie.

"Your mother and I are thinking about taking you girls to the beach after everything blows over," Meg said.

"Just us girls Mommy, no boys?" Emmie said.

"Just us girls," Jade said. "We can build sand castles in the sand."

Jade admired Emmie. She told Meg that she had an innocent, carefree spirit "I wished I still had."

"Oh you do, dear one, you just don't know it!"

*****

"Really Lincoln, she didn't bother me," Jade said to her kinda-sorta boyfriend during the picnic at Lincoln's grandparents' farm.

It was nice, and safe, and private.

"Well Raven told me she tried to 'witness' to you at school," Lincoln said. "Her mother tried to do it to my mom, too, once."

"In a weird way, I think maybe they mean well," Jade said to Lincoln, whom she found to be a kindred spirit.

He was as much as target as she was considering his mother was in a lesbian relationship ... they had recently gotten married

and Lincoln's stepmother was allowed to adopt him since, like Jade, his father was no longer around.

And it didn't help that Lincoln did not keep it a secret that he had feelings for Jade, which meant he also had to put up with
nicknames like "faggot."

Ruth Spencer tried to "witness" the gospel on Jade to keep "him" from going to hell. Same thing had happened to Lincoln's
mother when she ran into Ruth's mother.

"She told me she forgave me for shoving her," Jade laughed. "I told her I forgave her for leaving that nasty note on my locker."

"Now that's the fearless Jade I've come to love," Lincoln said.

Jade blushed.

"Well, she did say her church was praying for me and Mom that we'd be safe from that monster who is on the loose," Jade said.

"That, along with praying for our souls. So I guess they can't be all bad."

Lincoln laughed.

"There are times when you can be really funny, you know that, Jade?" Lincoln said.

He then scooped up some flowers and put them in Jade's hair.

"You know, I'm liking this side of you," Lincoln said. "You look beautiful in that dress. I like the more feminine said of you."

"Awe, that's so sweet," Jade said before giving Lincoln a kiss on the cheek.

*****

Liz and Jade ran into Holly and Ruth Spencer after leaving their self-defense class.

Holly Spencer started spitting out Bible verses at them, and told them to repent before "something bad happened to them."

"Can't you just leave us alone?" Liz Hunter told her. "We're not forcing our beliefs on you. You live the way you want to live, and
we'll worship God the way we want to."

Ruth handed Jade a gospel tract. It contained a note.

"I'm sorry about my mother. Praying for you."

Jade smiled, and winked in return before walking off.

"Don't let them bother you, Mom," Jade said.

"I know, but with that monster on the loose, they're getting on my worst nerve," Liz Hunter said.

"Sometimes, though, I think our problems with the Spencers are all because of me," Jade said.

"Don't ever think that way," Liz said. "I love you just the way you are. And people like the Spencers are just going to have to accept that.

This story is set in the 1800s. It is the story of a woman of privilege who forms a relationship with a poor child of Irish immigrants. It is a story of a woman who overcomes grief of the loss of a child. It is a story of a child who sacrifices for family and embraces and falls in love with a new identity.

Chapter 1
“Slow down child, I can’t keep up,” the elderly woman said to a young girl carrying a rose in a small family cemetery.

“Come on, grandma, we’re almost there!” the young girl said as she ran between the headstones.

“Well mom, she’s excited about placing the rose on her great-aunt Emily’s grave,” a younger woman said, walking with her arm linked with the older woman.

“I know Kathryn,” the older woman said. “She just has to realize I’m not as young as I used to be.”

Carrying the rose to great-aunt Emily’s grave on her birthday was a family tradition.

“You were that way, Kathryn, when me and your grandmother used to come with you to put the rose on Emily’s grave.

“I think I always looked forward to the cake we always had after I put the rose on her grave,” Kathryn said. “But Emily loves doing this because she wants to share the rose with the girl she was named after.”

“Well, Emily Windham was a special girl,” the older woman said. “I wouldn’t be here, and neither would you without her.”

“I know,” Kathryn said. “It was because of grandma’s love for her, she adopted you.”

“Yes,” the older woman said. “I never really understood that love until I adopted you.”

“What took you so long?,” the impatient girl said as the two women arrived at the grave.

“You’re grandma’s old, she doesn’t move as fast as you,” Kathryn laughed.

“Can we wish aunt Emily a happy birthday now?” the young girl said.

“Yes we can, sweetie,” the older woman said. “After that, we can get some cake in the parlor.”

The trip to the grave always began with a happy birthday. Little Emily always liked singing to her. It always ended with grandma leaving a small note.

“Thank you for the life you gave me, love your sister, Claire.”

“Okay, who wants some cake?” the older woman asked after the ritual ended.

“I do, I do,” the young girl shouted.

“See there, mom, she’s still a lot like me,” Kathryn told her mother.

“That, she is,” the older woman said.

The young girl helped bring life to the stately Windham manor. It was a well-kept place. It was the envy of high-society people in town. The older woman felt it was her mission in life to keep the manor in good order, worthy of the Windham name.

She also remembered a time when the manor was not so stately, a time when the place was in disrepair.

She couldn’t blame the lady of the manor for allowing the home to run down. That woman, a lady she would come to call mother, was heart broken, dealing with the death of a child.

*****

“You boys slow down,” the red-haired woman said, watching her sons run down the street.

“Charlie O’Hara! You and Robert come back here!” the woman shouted as they were returning home from the market.

Charles John O’Hara was the second of five boys in the O’Hara clan. He was 12, a little more responsible than most boys. He helped his mother struggle to keep her household together.

She sometimes kidded him that he was the “daughter” she never had. But she also knew he was perhaps stronger than any in the family. He also did a good job keeping her brothers in line, especially Robert, who for 10 was somewhat rambunctious.

The woman suddenly saw her two boys stopped at the iron fence that served as the border of the neighborhood with Windham manor.

“What are you two looking at?” the woman asked.

“The graveyard,” Charlie O’Hara said. “Robert believes he saw a ghost. But it was only a woman dressed in black carrying a rose.”

The young woman stopped and looked with her sons.

“Who is she? Why does she look so sad?” Charlie O’Hara asked his mother.

“That is Mary Windham,” his mother answered. “She is the richest woman in town. Why is she so sad? I hear her daughter died of the fever in the winter. She was probably about your age, from the talk that I hear.”

The woman didn’t seem to notice the three spies looking at her through the iron gates.

She placed the rose on the grave and walked back toward the manor.

“Well boys, we’ve got to get home,” the woman told her sons. “Your father will be home from the mill soon. He’ll be wanting supper.”

Home, that wasn’t what Charlie called it. It was more like a crowded apartment.

As for his father, Walter O’Hara, he spent more time at the saloon than he did at work or home.

When he was home, he made life miserable for Charlie’s mother, Meggie. He also picked on Charlie a lot for helping his mother do “women’s work” even though his wife surely needed help around the small few rooms they had.

When they returned, well the place was a mess. Lucas, Charlie’s older brother, was in charge. The two youngest boys had the run of the apartment.

“Get the broom, then come in and help me in the kitchen,” his mother told him.

Charlie went straight to work. He swept up and helped put things away while Lucas just sat in his chair.

“Robert, carry Eli and Samuel into our room,” Charlie said before walking into the kitchen to find his mother sweating over the stove.

She handed him a knife.

“Help me with these carrots and potatoes, would you love?,” she said as they went about preparing the meal.

Just then, his father staggered into the room, with liquor smelling from his breath.

“What meal have you prepared for us tonight, my dear Meggie and little Charlotte?” He said.

“Walter, you’re drunk,” his wife snapped back. “And do not call Charlie Charlotte. You know how that hurts his feelings. And somebody has to help me around here. I don’t have a daughter to help me out.”

*****

How does one escape misery? That was what Charlie thought about his life.

His parents came from the old country to have a chance at a better life. Life in Ireland couldn’t have been any worse than this, he thought, as he walked the family dog.

He was just happy to get away. And walking King George was the only way to do it.

King George was a mutt they found one day. His father didn’t want them to keep it, but his younger brothers kept begging, so his mother relented.

They could barely feed the family, much less a dog. But they kept him anyway.

“Come back here, King George!” Charlie yelled after his dog managed to wrangle out of the rope around his neck.

“I am in big trouble,” he said when the dog ran between the bars and onto the property at Windham manor. The gate leading in was chained shut.

Charlie looked at the bars and figured he could squeeze through. It was a tight fit.

“Now where did that mutt go?” Charlie thought as he looked around.

He looked behind every bush he could find. Still no sign of King George.

Suddenly, he felt a strong hand grab him by the back of his coat.

“Just what do you think you are doing on this property?” than man asked.

Charlie froze. He was frightened.

“I’m….trying to find….my dog,” he stammered.

“Maybe I should take you to the police,” the man said. “They’ll lock you away for trespassing.”

Charlie didn’t know what he feared most, the police, or the beating he would receive from his father for getting in trouble.

“Myron, let loose of the boy!” a woman shouted.

Charlie looked at saw a young woman standing on the porch of the home. It was the same woman he saw dressed in black at the graveyard.

“Bring him to me,” she said.

Charlie shook as the man escorted him to the woman.

“Bring him inside and take him to the parlor,” the woman said sternly.

“I can’t believe she’ll let someone as dirty and ragged as you sit on her furniture,” the man said.

Charlie sat down in one of the chairs in the room and waited for the woman to walk in.

The room was almost as big as his family’s apartment.

“Why are you on my property young man?” the woman asked.

“I came to get my dog,” Charlie said. “He walked between the bars when I was walking him.”

“And how did you get through the gate?” she asked. “They are chained shut.”

“I squeezed through the bars,” the boy said.

“You are pretty skinny,” the woman said. “I take it they don’t feed you very much down at the river.”

Charlie didn’t answer. He didn’t want pity.

“So what is your dog’s name?” the woman asked. “I will have Myron find him.”

“His name is King George,” the boy answered.

“Okay,” the woman said. “Myron, see if you can find King George. And Mirilla, get us some tea.”

Mirilla was the maid. She was amazed that Mrs. Windham had taken such an interest in finding the boy’s dog.

Charlie was amazed the woman asked so many questions about his life.

She knew his parents came from Ireland. She asked about the conditions of the apartments down by the river, whether his parents were making it alright.

She was amazed to find out that he helped his mother with the chores around the house.

“Madame, I’ve found the dog,” Myron said after he returned to the parlor.

“Good,” she said. “Myron will escort us to your home with the dog.”

“You’re coming with me?” the boy asked.

“I need to get out,” she said.

Mirilla was amazed. Mrs. Windham had not left the property since her daughter died.

Charlie and the dog hopped into the carriage as they rode down the road on the way to what best could be called the slums.

Mrs. Windham looked Charlie over. He seemed to be a gentle looking child with black hair.

She smiled.

“How old are you?” she asked.

“I’m 12, Ma’am,” he said.

“You don’t look big enough to be 12,” she said as she noticed his dark eyes and long eye lashes. She knew several woman and girls who wished they had eyes such as his.

“Here we are,” Charlie said as they arrived at the apartments.

His mother was a bit shocked by the company. Fortunately, his father wasn’t there to cause any trouble.

“So seven people live here?,” Mrs. Windham asked.

“Yes, Ma’am,” Charlie’s mother replied.

Mrs. Windham was shocked to see the clothes that the O’Hara children wore. But she didn’t judge.

“Charlie tells me he helps you around the apartment,” she said.

“Yes, Ma’am, he does,” his mother replied.

“Is he very responsible?” Mrs. Windham asked.

“Yes, ma’am he is,” Mrs. O’Hara said.

“I’d like to make a proposal,” Mrs. Windham said.

“If Charlie can cook and clean, he might be a good helper for Mirilla,” she said. “I can also teach him to help me with my garden. I will pay him a good wage, if you’ll let him come each day.”

Charlie and his mother were shocked by the proposal.

“Well, I would hate to lose his help around here,” his mother said. “But we could use the extra money.”

Mrs. Windham offered to pay Charlie more than his father made at the mill.

“But Charlie, it is up to you” his mother said.

Charlie didn’t take long to decide. He enjoyed getting away from the river, even if it meant hard work.

“I’d like to do that, Mom, if it won’t be too hard on you,” Charlie said.

“Well, that settles it,” Mrs. Windham said. “I’ll send Myron to fetch you each morning at 8.”

Chapter 2
The sound of the rooster came a little too early for Charlie.

He eased between Samuel and Eli on the bed. He tried not to wake them, but he saw little Eli’s eyes open. He kissed his brother on the forehead.

“Go back to sleep,” he whispered.

He quietly got dressed. He looked over and saw Lucas and Robert. They were sound asleep.

He knew the routine. He walked out to the chicken coop, joining his mother as they gathered eggs for breakfast.

“How are you doing this morning, love?” she said.

“I’m doing fine ma,” he said as he gathered enough eggs for his basket.

“Are you excited about going to Windham manor?” she asked.

“Yes, ma, I am,” he said.

“I can’t blame you,” his mother said. “I know Mrs. Windham will work you hard.”

“I do not mind work, ma,” he said.

“I know that you don’t,” she said as they walked into the kitchen. Charlie helped his mother cook the eggs and helped get the get the bread out of the oven. He helped set the table before going into the room to wake his brothers.

“There is a mister fancy pants at the door,” he heard his father say as they finished their breakfast. “It must be for you little Charlotte.”

Charlie rolled his eyes. His mother chastised his father for picking on his son.

“Let me get a look at you,” his mother said as Charlie prepared to leave the apartment.

“You look fine,” she said, giving her son a hug. “Put in a good days work.”

“You know I will, ma,” he said, hugging her in return.

The mister fancy pants was Myron, who waited patiently for the young boy to climb into the carriage.

“I suppose I could give you a hand,” he said as he lifted Charlie into the carriage. “I am still very surprised by this. Madame Windham has been very withdrawn. I don’t know why she’s taken a liking to you.”

Charlie smiled. He didn’t know either. He had no idea what was ahead of him. Maybe Madame Windham was a taskmaster. Maybe she was his guardian angel, a way out of the slum life. He was treating it, as his mother told him to, as an adventure.

The journey was a short one out of the neighborhood. He could see the other neighborhood children watching him as he rode by in what could be best described as a majestic carriage. He didn’t feel as his father described, just as a hired hand.

He felt more like royalty.

The servants opened the gates to Windham manor as the carriage approached. Charlie paid attention to nearly every detail of the place. It didn’t seem quite as majestic as the carriage.

There were weeds growing up around the place. The once white paint on the home seemed more of a touch of gray. It looked like a somber place, one of great sadness.

Waiting for them as they arrived was Mirilla.

“Come this way young lad,” she said as she led him into a bedroom that seemed as large as the small place where his family dwelt. Charlie couldn’t help but notice the dresses on stands. There were very elegant dolls on the dresser and on tables around the room. But most were covered up.

“Madame wants you to put these work clothes on and join her in the garden,” Mirilla said.

Laying on the bed was a pair of trousers and a shirt. There was also a pair of gloves and a straw hat. Mirilla slowly closed the door behind her. The work clothes actually seemed nicer than the ones he actually wore.

He put them as he was told and was amazed by how well they fit. He then looked at the room before he walked out the door. Like the house, there seemed to be a touch of sadness to it.

He imagined there was a time when that wasn’t so. There had to have been a princess living in this room, he thought, much like the ones in the fairy tales his mother told him about.

“There you are,” Mirilla said, interrupting his train of thought.

“Follow me,” she said, leading out of the house into the back of the estate. The yard was grown up, but the actual garden itself seemed more like a jungle.

Toiling away was the woman Mirilla and Myron called “Madame” Windham. She was dressed in a fashion that didn’t seem to go well with a woman of that stature. She wore a dress similar to the ones he’d seen his mother and other woman wear down by the river while they worked.

“See Mirilla, I told you the clothes would fit him,” Mrs. Windham said.

“Are they comfortable?” she asked Charlie.

Charile nodded.

“Good!” Mrs. Windham said. “My Emily was about your size. I knew you probably needed some work clothes. My guess is the clothes that you wore here were about all you had. I hope I didn’t just embarrass you.”

Charlie nodded to the affirmative. The clothes he wore that day were the only ones he had. And he was also embarrassed that was the case.

“Well, you’re lucky,” Mrs. Windham said. “I bought those clothes for Emily to help me out here. Girls aren’t supposed to wear trousers, so it is the only pair she had. I couldn’t see you out here wearing one of her work dresses, wearing a bonnet like mine.”

Charlie laughed and blushed.

“When I help my mother sometimes outside and it’s really hot, she makes me wear a bonnet to protect my head,” he said. “But I don’t have to wear a dress, Madame.”

Mrs. Windham smiled. She took a finger and tapped his nose.

“You’re almost too pretty to be a boy,” she said. “Sometimes I think a dress would suit him better, isn’t that right, Mirilla?”

Mirilla nodded in agreement. Charlie again blushed.

“Now, we’ve got a lot of work to do,” Mrs. Windham said.

She wasn’t kidding. One could hardly tell the flowers from the weeds. Charlie spent the better part of the morning helping Mrs. Windham clear the overgrown weeds away. He was amazed to see how many flowers still grew amidst all of the chaos.

“Believe it or not, this was once a very beautiful garden,” Mrs. Windham said. “It was the envy of the town. But after my dear Emily died, I couldn’t bear to come out here.”

Charlie wondered what made her change her mind. He wasn’t the only one. Mirilla, Myron and the other servants were also very curious in the change of attitude in the lady of the manor. They were equally intrigued with her interest in Charlie.

“It is almost as if she is talking to Emily out there,” Mirilla told Myron as they watched from the porch.

“It doesn’t matter to me,” Myron said. “As long as she’s happy. It’s been a long time since we’ve seen her laughing like she is right now.”

Most of the servants on the property took note of the laughter coming from the garden. It didn’t interrupt the work. Charlie helped “Madame” as he began calling her helped her pile up the weeds and the brush that they managed to clear.

Mrs. Windham spent part of the time making fun of Charlie’s Irish accent. Each time, she corrected his poor grammar and tried to get him to speak properly. Charlie didn’t seem to mind.

He suddenly came to a complete stop.

“What’s wrong?” Mrs. Windham asked.

Smack in the middle of the garden was a beautiful fountain, one that could not be seen from outside the fence before they started their labor.

“Oh my gosh, that is so beautiful, Madame!” he said. He didn’t mean to blurt it out.

“I think so, too,” she said. “It was also my Emily’s favorite place on the whole property. She used to come here by herself and read her favorite books. Do you read, Charlie?”

“Only the Bible, Madame,” he said. “It is the only book we own.”

Mrs. Windham stooped down and picked a yellow flower.

“That is something we’ll have to change,” she said as she took the straw hat off his head.

She placed the flower in his head.

“My dear Charlie,” she said. “You remind me of this garden, this fountain and this whole estate. Underneath the dirt, there is so much beauty to uncover.”

Charlie smiled and blushed. He was somewhat embarrassed. He was really perplexed.

“We’ve done enough work for today,” she said as she put her arm around Charlie. “We’ll get you cleaned up, get something to eat and get you home.”

Get you home were not the words Charlie wanted to hear. But he knew the day could not last forever.

He was surprised by what came next.

Getting him cleaned up included a lot more than he was expecting. Getting cleaned up in the O’Hara household meant getting a bucket of water and a sponge and washing off.

“Mirilla, take the tub into Emily’s room and draw Charlie a bath,” were the words Mrs. Windham spoke that caught Charlie by complete surprise. “And get Helen to draw mine in my bedroom.”
*****

“No ma’am, I can’t do that,” were the words Mrs. Windham heard coming from Emily’s bedroom.

“Is there a problem in here?” she said as she peeked through the door.

“I told him to give me his clothes and then I will help him get in the tub and bathe him,” Mirilla said.

“She can’t do that….ma’am, she’ll see me naked!” Charlie stammered.

“Nonsense!” Mrs. Windham said as she tapped Charlie again on the nose. “Give her your clothes. She’s seen children naked before. She used to bathe Emily!”

“But Emily was a girl!” Charlie protested, but then he complied, rangling out of the filthy work clothes.

“Give me the clothes Mirilla and I will take them to Helen on my way to my bath,” Mrs. Windham said.

She winked at Charlie as Mirilla helped him into the tub and then departed from the room.

There were no more protests from Charlie. The water was warm. It reminded him of the baths his mother told him about that rich ladies take. There were bubbles. The water smelled like perfume.

He didn’t seem to mind as Mirilla scrubbed every speck of dirt off his skin.

He relaxed and didn’t want to get out when Mirilla picked up a towel off the dresser.

“Step out,” she ordered.

He complied and stepped into the towel that she wrapped around him. She then led him and sat him down at a chair in front of a mirror.

“Shouldn’t I be getting dressed?” he asked.

“Just a minute,” said Mirilla as she pulled a brush from one of the drawers. “Got to brush your hair first.”

“Brush my hair?” Charlie asked.

“You don’t want me to?” Mirilla asked. “It’s something I used to do with Emily.”

Charlie thought about saying “Well I’m not Emily”, but said “it’s okay.”

He didn’t want to admit it, but he actually enjoyed the pampering. He didn’t protest as she helped him into his longjohns and his clothes.

“Don’t you look nice!” Mrs. Windham said as he came down to dinner, which compared to what he normally ate each day was a bountiful feast.

Mrs. Windham continued to ask him about his home life as they ate. It seemed she wanted to know everything about him.

“Goodbye, you worked very hard today,” she said as he hopped into the carriage. She gave him a bag of coins.

He looked inside. It was more wages than old Walter O’Hara would make in a month when he actually worked.

His heart sank as the carriage drove closer and closer to the slums he called home.

He knew how Cinderella felt after the ball, after the clock struck midnight.

Chapter 3
“I hope the thunder doesn’t wake the boys,” Meggie O’Hara said as she lit the candle on the table.

“I know ma, but I like it when it rains,” Charlie said. “It sounds so soothing when it hits the roof.”

His mother smiled.

“Let me look at your handywork,” she said, admiring the socks Charlie was knitting.

Charlie loved knitting time. He and ma would settle down in the family’s two rockers, both brought from Ireland. Robert, Samuel and Eli were always sound asleep.

Lucas and pa were working late at the mill. If pa knew Charlie and his mother still had “knitting time”, he would be furious. He didn’t want any of his sons doing “women’s work”, although he allowed Charlie to help out his mother doing her chores.

“That’s very good,” she said. “Grandma Sullivan would say you’ve inherited the family the family gift.”

His great-grandma Sullivan had a dress shop in Dublin. Each mother in the family felt like it was her duty to pass down the talent to her daughters. It was that way for generations.

“I have no daughter, so I’m passing it down to you,” his mother said. “I want you to pass it down to your own daughter, so the chain will not be broken.”

Charlie blushed. He loved hearing about family history, especially the women of the family. He didn’t want to admit it, but he felt some kind of connection to them.

And knitting time was also a time Meggie O’Hara liked to talk about “woman things.”

“You are the only one in this family who appreciates such things,” she told Charlie.

She enjoyed listening to Charlie talk about his first-day adventure at Windham manor. She told him she wished she had a garden like the one he and Mrs. Windham worked on.

She also told him she was envious of the bath he took.

“Most women here would kill to have a bath like that,” she said. “You’re father would have been furious to have smelled the perfume you had on.

Charlie blushed again.

“Ma, am I different?” he asked.

“What do you mean?” she said, although she had an idea what was going on in his head.

“Well, pa calls me little Charlotte because I like to help you with your chores,” he said. “I like knitting time….I liked the bath at Madame Windham’s and she said I was almost too pretty to be a boy. And I don’t know if I really act like a boy.”

His mother at first didn’t know what to say.

“Come here,” she said. She led him to her bedroom. She pulled a trunk out from underneath the bed.

He knew the trunk contained her personal belongings, most of which she brought over from Ireland.

His eyes opened wide when she opened it.

“Beatrice!” he said, pulling a doll out from the trunk. “I thought you threw her away!”

He hugged her close. Beatrice was his mother’s doll. She made the journey across the ocean. Charlie played with the doll when he was little. He loved her.

But his father didn’t want him to play with it. He ordered his wife to throw the doll away, which was something she could not do.

“Are you different?” she said with a smile. “No, I’d say you’re special, Charlie John O’Hara. God made you a beautiful child, inside and out. You are my son, sweet boy, but at times, I think of you as my daughter.”

Charlie was stunned. He didn’t quite know what to say.

“Are you angry at me for saying that?” she said as she brushed his hair out of his face.

He shook his head no. She had never forced him to like women’s things, or to do women’s work, as his father called it. It was something that seemed natural to him.

“I’m glad you don’t,” she said. “That was the reason I passed the knitting skill down to you. It is the reason that everything in this trunk must be passed on to you.”

It contained a locket and her diary that he didn’t know she had. It contained jewelry that had been passed down from generations.

She put the locket around his neck. In it were portraits of his grandmother and his mother when she was a little girl.

“Wear it under your clothes so your father won’t see it,” she said. “You know how he is.”

Charlie hugged Beatrice before placing her back in the trunk. His mother smiled when Charlie gave the doll a kiss.

*****
“Is something bothering you? You seem a little distracted today?” Mrs. Windham asked Charlie while they worked in the garden.

“No ma’am,” he said as he hoed the dirt row. He couldn’t possibly tell her of his conversation with his mother the night before. But he couldn’t get the thoughts out of his head.

“What is that beautiful thing hanging from your neck?” she asked, noticing the locket.

“It’s a locket my ma gave me,” he said as she grabbed it to look at the portraits inside.

“It’s too beautiful to be wearing when we’re out here with all of this dirt,” she said. “Go take it to Mirilla and tell her to put it up for you.”

“Yes ma’am,” he said as he ran up to the house.

“I’ll put it on the dresser in Emily’s room,” she said. “You can put it back on after your bath.”

“That didn’t take you very long,” Mrs. Windham said after Charlie ran back to return to his work.

He enjoyed listening to Mrs. Windham’s plans for the garden. She talked about constructing a gazebo and hiring a band to play concerts for the community near the fountain.

Charlie liked the idea. No one in town really knew what beauty lied within the gates of her state.

“Well, I guess we are finished for the day,” she said.

Charlie was disappointed. They were finishing way too early. He wasn’t ready to go back to the slum.

“Charlie, take those flowers, will you?” she said. “And follow me.”

They walked over to the family graveyard. She had him place some of the flowers on her late husband’s grave. They placed the rest on Emily’s grave. He looked at the dates. His mother was right, she was his age when she died.

“Emily Windham, March 23, 1850-May 1, 1862. Beloved daughter and angel.”

“She must have been very special, ma’am,” he said.

Mrs. Windham smiled.

“Yes she was very special to me,” she said. “Just as I know you are to you’re mother and to me.”

“To you?” he said. He couldn’t help but think he had only known her a few days.

“I think an angel led King George through those gates,” she said with a laugh. “Because the angel knew you would follow him.”

“I never thought of it that way,” Charlie said.

She grabbed his hand as they walked up toward the house.

“Charlie, what do you want to be when you grow up?” she asked him.

“I dunno,” he said. “I thought about being a soldier. My uncle John is in the Irish Brigade fighting against the rebels.”

“You might make a good soldier,” she said. “Hopefully, the war will be over before you are old enough to join.”

“My pa said I will work at the mill like he and Lucas,” he said. “But I don’t want to do that. But my pa picks on me. He says I’m going to be a dressmaker like my great-grandma Sullivan.”

“And what’s wrong with being a dressmaker?” she said. “They make a lot of money in New York, Boston…or Paris.”

“I dunno, I never thought about it,” he said. “But my ma says I have the family gift.”

He went on to explain how he and his ma have their special knitting night.

“Emily and I had nights like that, too,” she said as they entered the house.

“His bath is drawn ma’am,” Mirilla said. “Helen has yours drawn, too.”

*****
“I’m glad you’re not giving me any trouble this time,” Mirilla said as Charlie handed her his work clothes. He felt a little chilled as before he hopped into the tub. But once he crawled in, he felt nice and warm.

“I swear, you got dirty today,” Mirilla said as she scrubbed his behind his ears. She made sure his neck got a good scrubbing. Then came his arms. He was a bit surprised as she worked on his hands.

“Those gloves must work pretty good,” she said, admiring his hands. “Your hands are as delicate as a girl’s hands.”

Charlie blushed again.

“I didn’t embarrass you, did I?” she asked.

“Oh, maybe a little,” he said.

“We’ll work on those feet when we get you out of the tub,” Mirilla said.

Charlie was even more embarrassed when Mrs. Windham walked into the room wearing a house coat as he crawled out and before Mirillia could place a towel around him.

“I want you to put this on our little urchin,” she said, handing Mirilla a bottle of lotion.

“I bought it in Paris,” Mrs. Windham told Charlie. “It’s supposed to make your skin feel soft and smooth. We both need it after working in the garden. It also smells good.”

She then reached into the closet and pulled out a sailor suit.

“I was wrong when I told you the work pants were the only trousers Emily wore,” she told Mirilla. “I had forgotten about this. Put it on Charlie and have him meet me in the parlor.”

Charlie giggled as Mirilla lotioned his body and then put powder on him.

“Oh no ma’am, I’m not wearing that,” he said as Mirilla pulled some of Emily’s undergarments out of the closet. He didn’t know what it was called, he just saw it once in a catalog. His mother called it “rich girl’s undergarments.”

Mirilla laughed.

“Your longjohns will look silly under the sailor suit,” Mirilla said. “This will be under the sailor suit, so no one else can see.”

He stared at himself in the mirror with Emily’s undergarments on.

“Lucas and pa would be really mad at me now,” he thought.

Mirilla also gave him what appeared to be a pair of white stockings. She was right. The undergarment was hidden under the sailor suit. The britches were a little “poofed” out, he thought and came down only to his knees. That’s why Mirilla gave him the white stockings.

She also pulled out a pair of shiny black shoes with buckles and told him to put them on.

“There,” she said. “You look like a prince.”

Charlie felt more like a princess as she walked him to the parlor, where he sat until Mrs. Windham finished getting dressed. She walked in looking really fancy. She was carrying a straw hat and a book of poetry.

She placed the hat on his head and grabbed his hand. They walked onto the porch and down the walkway to the garden. She handed him the book as they sat down at the fountain..

Inscribed were the words: “To Claire, with love, mother.”

“My grandmother gave this to my aunt Claire,” she said. “We’re going to use it to help you learn to read and speak properly.”

Mirilla brought them both lemonade as Charlie struggled to read the poetry to Mrs. Windham.

*****
Charlie stared at the nice French dress as he was about to get back into his old clothes. He hadn’t taken off Emily’s undergarments yet. Truth be known, he dreaded putting back on the longjohns and his old rags.

The door was shut. The temptation was a little hard to resist.

“Who will know?” he thought as he pulled the dress on over the “rich girl’s undergarments.”

He stood in front of the mirror. He liked what he saw. It was a very beautiful dress, one his mother had told him about many times that rich girls wore.

He didn’t notice the door slide open.

“Oh my!” were the words he heard Mrs. Windham say.

He was frightened. He didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t run out of the room, so he ran into the closet and sat down.

“I’m so sorry,” he cried, tears rolling down his face. “I won’t do it again! I know you won’t let me come back!”

“Charlie, my darling, open this door!” Mrs. Windham said.

Mirilla rushed in, wanting to know what was the matter.

They both picked Charlie up and placed him on the bed. Mrs. Windham pulled out a handkerchief and wiped the tears from his face.

She smiled and hugged him. She tapped her finger on his nose.

“Do not apologize,” she said, trying to reassure him. “I think it looks very beautiful on you. Unfortunately, you’ve got to get your clothes back on. It’s time to take you home.”
*****
The carriage ride was a quiet one back home. Charlie was still very embarrassed by what had happened.

Mrs. Windham tried to reassure him there was nothing wrong, that she wasn’t. She rode home with him and held his hand most of the way.

“You won’t tell anyone?” he asked.

“Of course not, darling, your secret is safe with me,” she said.

Chapter 4
“You are really quiet, poppet, is there something wrong?” Meggie O’Hara asked her son as they dressed Eli and Samuel.

“Nothing is wrong, Ma,” Charlie said as he pulled the nightshirt over Eli’s head and then grabbed his younger brother’s shirt.

Meggie knew better. She knew something happened at Windham Manor. She just couldn’t figure out what it was.

“Did Mrs. Windham hurt you?” she asked. “Was she mean to you?”

Charlie shook his head no.

“She’s been good to me, Ma,” Charlie said.

Meggie did not want to pry. She knew Charlie would eventually open up. It wasn’t like him to keep a secret from her.

“We need to put the food up before your father comes home,” she said. “We’ll have to make him and Lucas something to eat or they’ll be grumpy. Robert, will you watch your younger brothers while Charlie helps me in the kitchen?”

Charlie hoped his father wouldn’t come home drunk. He also hoped Lucas wasn’t going to be bossy like Pa now that he was working at the mill.

His greatest fears were realized when he heard singing coming from outside. Suddenly the door burst open.

“Have the women of the house made us anything to eat?” Walter O’Hara said with the smell of whisky on his breath.

“What have you made us, little Charlotte?” Lucas said. He was almost as drunk as his father.

It was too much for Charlie to bear. He lunged at Lucas and landed on top of him. He pinned his older brother down and started swinging. He hit his brother in the face several times.

“That’s it Charlie!” his father yelled. “We’ll make a man out of you yet!”

Lucas was a little too strong for his young brother. He flung Charlie off his chest and lunged at him and punched him a few times in retaliation.

“Walter O’Hara, aren’t you going to do anything to stop them?” Meggie O’Hara cried.

“Absolutely not, woman!” Walter O’Hara said. “This is the first time I’ve seen Charlie act like a boy. He needs to act like a man and come to work with us at the mill!”

“He’ll do no such thing!” she yelled back. “He already has a job. He makes more than you two combined.”

“As what?” Walter O’Hara said. “As Mrs. Windham’s maid? I swear you are making a woman out of him, Meggie!”

He then pushed his wife against the wall and told her to stay out of the fight between their two sons.

Charlie managed to free himself from Lucas and flung himself at his father.

“Don’t you ever do that to Ma again!” he shouted.

Old Walter, all he did was laughed. He was a strong man and flung his son easily across the room.

“That’s it Charlie,” he said. “I’ll make a man out of you yet! You’ll be a regular fightin’ Irishman.”

“I don’t want to be a man like you!” Charlie shouted, and ran out the door.

Meggie went running after her son. She found him sitting down by the chicken coop weeping.

“Why does he have to be that way?” he asked his mother.

“I don’t know,” she said. “He’s not the man I married, anymore. He used to be kind and gentle.”

She pulled out a handkerchief and wiped away the tears and the blood.

*****

Charlie hoped Mrs. Windham wouldn’t notice the fat lip or the little black eye as he walked onto the porch and into the parlor at Windham Manor.

“Madame wants you to get dressed in the sailor suit this morning,” Mirilla said as she led him to Emily’s room.

On the bed was the sailor suit with a pair of pantaloons…or was it pantalettes? He forgot what Mirilla called them.

He put them on, curious as to why. They weren’t going to be doing any serious work in the garden, not with him dressed like that.

“Well, don’t you look nice?” Mrs. Windham said. “What’s wrong with your face? It looks like you’ve been in a brawl.”

Charlie remained silent. He wasn’t about to tell her about the fight he had with his brother or his father.

“Come here,” she said as she grabbed his hand. She led him to her room.

“This should cover it up,” she said as she put a little makeup over his eye. “There’s nothing I can do about the fat lip.”

“So what are we doing, today, Madame?” Charlie asked.

“We are going to do some traveling today,” Mrs. Windham replied. It had been since Emily died since she really had been away from Windham Manor. “I have some men working on the gazebo in the garden, getting it ready for a Fourth of July celebration. We can’t do any work there until they are through.”

“I’m glad she’s getting out of the house,” Mirilla told Charlie as Myron helped Mrs. Windham into the carriage.

After everything that had happened — being caught in the dress, getting in a fight with his brother and father — Charlie was actually glad to be getting out of the house as well.

It was a very nice day for a carriage ride. They rode through a part of town Charlie had never seen before. It came to a stop at very nice house.

Myron helped Mrs. Windham and Charlie out of the carriage. They were greeted on the porch by a woman who appeared to be the maid.

“The other ladies are already in the parlor,” the woman said.

The women in the parlor were all knitting. Some were knitting blankets. Others were making bandages. Others were knitting socks.

They were part of the “Sanitary Society”, if Charlie remembered the name correctly. Madame Windham said they made blankets, socks and medical supplies to send south to Union troops fighting the Confederacy.

“Mary, it is so good to see you!” a woman said. “We’ve been so worried about you since Emily died. And who is this young lady with you?”

“Young lady?” Charlie thought. He knew the sailor suit wasn’t the most “manly” clothes to wear, but he didn’t think he looked too much like a girl.

He gave Mrs. Windham a curious look. He wondered what she would say. He didn’t know what would be worse: having to make everyone believe he was a girl…or being embarrassed if Mrs. Windham announced that he wasn’t.

She winked at him and smiled.

“Thanks for the welcome, Lydia,” she said, winking again to Charlie. “This is my little niece….Claire. You’re going to have to excuse her. She’s a little unrefined. But she’s an excellent knitter.”

“Splendid!” the woman named Lydia said. “She can sit with Rebecca, so she’ll have company her age.”

Rebecca was Lydia’s daughter. Everyone else there were either Mrs. Windham’s age or older.

“You can call me Becky,” the young girl said to Charlie. “We’re working on a blanket for a soldier.”

“Nice to meet you, Becky!” Charlie said, trying not to over do it as a girl, but not act like a boy, either.

He sat down in a rocker by his new friend and went straight to work. He was fascinated by the discussions going on in the room. Some of the women had actually gone down south to deliver supplies.

Some also worked as nurses with a woman named Clara Barton. He couldn’t believe the horrible tales some of them were telling.

“I have an uncle in the army,” he whispered to Becky.

“I hope he’s okay,” she whispered back to him.

A woman named Helen read accounts from the latest battle from the New York Times. It was about a battle called Chancellorsville.

“That’s in Virginia, isn’t it?” one woman asked.

“Yes it is,” Mrs. Windham said. “I heard Myron tell one of our workers that our soldiers were humiliated by General Lee and Stonewall Jackson.”

The Times story mentioned that the Stonewall person had been wounded. His arm had been amputed.

“Eww..!” Becky said.

“Rebecca would not make a very good nurse,” Lydia laughed.

Charlie was fascinated that women took an interest in war. He and his brothers used to play “war” outside of their apartment in the slums. He never really thought it was very much fun.

*****

“So what did you think of Rebecca?” Mrs. Windham asked Charlie as the carriage took them to their next destination.

“She’s really nice,” Charlie said. “She’s really funny, too. And really beautiful.”

“Yes, she is,” Mrs. Windham said. “Lydia’s done a good job raising her. Her father has been away at war, so it’s just been the two of them. Lydia wants to bring her over to play with you. Would you like that?”

Charlie was stunned. Yes he’d like that, he thought. But there was one really big problem. She thought he was a girl.

“Of course, that would mean you would have to be Claire, again,” Mrs. Windham said.

Deep down, Charlie wanted to be Claire again. He just didn’t want to admit it.

“Well…if I must,” he said, rolling his eyes.

Mrs. Windham laughed at him.

“You can be so funny sometimes, Charlie O’Hara!,” she said…”or is it Claire Windham?”

Charlie acted really feminine in a funny way…”Why it’s Claire, of course.”

“Of course,” Mrs. Windham said.

“Can I ask you a question, Madame?” Charlie said.

“Why of course,” Mrs. Windham replied.

“Why the name Claire?” Charlie asked.

“Well, I named Emily for my mother,” Mrs. Windham said. “Her sister, my aunt, was named Claire. I’ve always said I’d name my next daughter Claire if I ever had one again.”

If I ever had one again were words that suddenly rattled in Charlie’s head.

Their next stop wasn’t too as pleasant of a place. The Plainview Orphanage was appropriately named. It was a very plain place, if not somber.

Mrs. Windham, Charlie and Myron gathered the fruit, vegetables and clothing from the carriage and took them inside.

“Why Mary Windham! What a surprise!,” a gray haired woman said. “We haven’t seen you in ages.”

The woman, Charlie was told, ran the orphanage.

“If I had known you were coming, we would have really cleaned the place up,” the woman told Mrs. Windham.

“That’s okay,” Mrs. Windham said. “I know you have a lot to do here without having to get the place looking nice for me.”

Myron explained to Charlie that before Emily’s death that Mrs. Windham was known for her charity work. She worked with the Sanitary Society. She donated food and clothing to the orphanage.

She helped out with the war wounded at the town hospital. She even took supplies and food to the prison camp up the road for the poor unfortunate Southerners captured in battle.

“She is a remarkable woman, Charlie,” Myron said. “It was like someone ripped apart her soul when Emily died. You’ve seem to be the magician that’s brought her back.”

“Oh no, I’m not a magician,” Charlie said. “I’m just a boy…”

Or a girl. Charlie admitted he was becoming a bit confused these days.

Charlie thought he had it rough living in the slums. Just a walk around the orphanage made him feel very fortunate. He at least had a mother — or now it seemed two mothers — looking after him. He also had his brothers.

Most of the children at the orphanage didn’t have anyone. Most had clothes worse than his. Very few had toys.

He was in for a little surprise. There was a little girl, who couldn’t have been as old as six, who had a doll that looked just like Beatrice.

“I had a doll just like that one when I was your age,” he told the girl.

She smiled.

“You had one like Molly when you were a little girl?” the girl asked.

He looked at Mrs. Windham and nodded his head yes.

He found out that he and the little girl had more in common than just the doll. Her parents came over from Ireland as well. Her father, like his uncle, had been in the Irish Brigade, but was killed at a place called Fredericksburg, Her mother died of a sickness over the winter.

It was a sad story. But it was one of many sad stories at the orphanage.

*****

There was one final stop to make. Mrs. Windham was planning a trip to Europe and wanted to pick out a nice dress to carry with her.

They stopped at the nicest dress shop in town. Charlie knew it was the nicest because he and his mother walked by there one day a couple of years before on a rare day away from the slums.

He saw his mother look at the dresses in the window with envy. He thought they were pretty, too, but didn’t venture the thought about wanting one.

“Well Mrs. Windham, here is the one you picked out last year,” the woman in the shop said. “We need to make some alterations. Come with us.”

“Come along, Claire!” Mrs. Windham said as they went into a back room.

Charlie didn’t know what to say. He knew she would be changing. Perhaps she forgot that he was a boy.

But amazingly, he wasn’t embarrassed as she stripped down to her undergarments and put the dress on. They made quite a few alterations.

“That is so beautiful,” Charlie whispered to her.

“Would you like to pick one out for your daughter?,” the young woman said. She was new in town. She did not know about Emily’s death.

Charlie had a really embarrassed look on his face. He wondered what Mrs. Windham’s reply was going to be.

Mrs. Windham smiled.

“Yes, bring her some,” she said winking at Charlie. “I believe her clothes are getting a little ragged. She may be in the need for some new ones.”

Charlie — or is it Claire now? — laughed. He dropped his guard. He enjoyed being Claire and relished every moment in every dress.

“Oh my, that one would look very good on you in Paris,” Mrs. Windham said of one that was of a French design. “We’ll take that one!”

Look good in Paris? Charlie wondered if she were serious.