by Jesse Rabbit
As I sat down between a short girl in fatigues and a guy who could have been, no joke, the entire football team, a slender woman walked out of a door near the front of the room and faced the class with a smile.
“My name is Professor Bell Norn, and this is Gender Studies. If you think you’ve got the wrong room, please leave now. Everyone good?” She paused and I looked around but no one moved. “Good. Now, at the end of class I want each of you to grab a syllabus and reading list from the back table. You are all responsible for reading and understanding everything in the syllabus, I’m not going to waste my time or yours explaining. Now, before we begin, I want you all to pull out a piece of paper and a pen… no pencils, this isn’t grade school, here we write things to last.”
There was a general shuffle as the class did as she asked, meanwhile I studied my new professor. She was tall, although without a frame of reference it was hard to say how tall, but at least 5’10” and probably as much as 6’2”. She was older than me, that much was certain but for the life of me I couldn’t tell if she was thirty, sixty, or ninety. There was an ageless quality to her, a timelessness which seemed to flow out of her in waves. For a a few seconds I imagined her standing in a stone circle in flowing robes speaking in some ancient language, looking just the same… then she spoke again.
“Alright, put your name on the paper and then write your answer to this question, then fold your paper in half and pass it to the end of your row.” And a hidden projector clicked on and the words “What did the Norsemen of the Viking Period call a female who dressed and acted like a male?”
There was dead silence for second and then the sound of two hundred pens scratching at paper. I wrote “Whatever is Norwegian for witch?” and passed it along to the end of the row where it was promptly collected by what I assumed was a TA.
A minute later, all the papers were collected and the professor smiled. “How many of you wrote down ‘a pervert’ or something along those lines?” about half the hands in the room went up. “How many of you wrote down something along the lines of ‘a witch’?” most of the rest of the hands went up. “how many of you wrote down something like ‘dead meat’?” all the rest went up. “Did anyone have a different answer?” No raised their hand.
“Would it surprise you to know that the answer is…” and there was another click and the words “A MAN” appeared on the board. I don’t know about the rest of the class, but I for one was floored. It had never occurred to me before that some cultures might be that strange. She went on, over the next hour and a half, to explain the differences between gender and sex, and all about gender-roles and society.
Now, I’d been raised in a liberal family. My parents were both hippies, both democrats, both obnoxious know it alls. I’d know about gays and lesbians since I was a kid, and to me they were little more than ways to label people. My parents had raised me to a woman of the new millennia. I’d known that I could be anything I wanted to be, be it a cop, pilot, soldier, doctor, what have you. How did I know, cause my parents told me so. And I’d believed them. Ten minutes into Professor Norn’s class and I knew exactly what I wanted to be… A Man… a Man among Vikings. It was about to become a very strange year.
***
I got back from class at 4 in the afternoon to find an army jacket and a stack of boxes camped out in front of my dorm room.
“Hello?” I asked, hoping that the jacket’s occupant was awake. No response. I said it again a little louder, then nudged the protruding Doc Martin with my adidas. The most amazing grey eyes looked up at me and I forgot to breathe as I stumbled back. The jacket unfolded and a pair of delicate hands with deep purple nails pulled a pair of serious headphones down to rest around a slender neck. The girl in the jacket extended a hand towards me.
“You must be my roomie?” she said, her voice lightly accented.
I nodded, unable to think of anything to say.
“Great… could you open the door so I can move my stuff in… its only I’ve been waiting for like three hours and I’ve really got to pee.”
I choked, then managed a small smile. “I can… but I can also watch your stuff for you while you… ummm… yeah.” I could tell I was blushing, I hate blushing, but being of pure Norwegian decent, I’ve got fair skin like you wouldn’t believe… no one believes me when I tell them I’m Jewish, but its true. 6-4, 145, blonde and blue, Volley-Ball scholarship. My new roomie, who stood maybe all of 5 foot nothing, smiled like I’d just promised her straight A’s for the year, then dashed off towards the bathrooms down the hall. I shook my head and chuckled, then unlocked the door.
By the time she got back, I’d moved all her boxes into the room and set up her printer and laptop plus the ipod dock and this weird pad that I only knew went with it because of the USB connector. “Hey, thanks… umm....” she paused.
“Kara… Kara Kant.”
She smiled, “Woah, with two K’s?”
I nodded, “yup.”
“Right on. I’m Mei Mai… or in traditional Chinese, Mai Mei.”
I looked at her blankly.
“Sorry, old joke.” She looked around the room, then smiled. “You like supergirl?” she said, pointing at a picture of me dressed as Supergirl with my best friends from highschool dressed as Catwoman and the world’s bustiest Wonderwoman. I looked, then laughed. “Yeah, that’s Deedee and Ceecee… I think I’m detecting a theme… Deirdre and Cassidy, they were on the team… volley-ball… in highschool. They started calling me Supergirl back in middleschool.”
“Huh? Why? Got laser vision?”
“Ha Ha. No. Supergirl’s name is Kara… and Kant sounds like Kent, Superman’s last name… so… plus I’m blonde and she’s blonde.”
“Gotcha. So…”
“So…” I floundered around for something to say and then fell back on that old college standard. “What’s your major?”
“Art… Graphic Design…. And pre-med.”
“Art and Pre-Med? Why?”
“Someone has to draw all those illustrations, duh!”
I laughed. “Right. Gotcha. Umm… I took the right side, hope you don’t mind?” She shook her head then looked down at my feet, then slowly trailed her eyes upwards.
“Geez, you are one tall drink of water.”
“I’m a what?”
“I don’t know, it just came out. So… are you from around here or…”
I flopped down on my bed and kicked off my shoes. “Naw, I’m from Boston. You?”
“Taiwan.”
“So… which of us is farther away from home?”
“Well, I think Massachusetts is still closer to Hawaii than Taiwan.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Wanna bet?”
“Sure!”
“Great… loser has to streak the mall from Varney Circle to Henke Hall.”
“What!” I practically shrieked.
“Chicken?”
Having just decided to embark on an insane plan to somehow become a Viking, I thought about whether or not a Viking would back down from just such a bet, then shook my head. “You’re on, tiny.”
Twenty minutes later, with the help of google earth and some internet math, we determined the distance between Taiwan and Honolulu to be roughly 5070 miles, to which Mei said “Hah, beat that Gwai-lo.” So we did Boston… 5085. I, seated, turned from the screen and smirked at my diminutive roommate.
“I’d say I won, shrimptoast.”
She nodded, then began to strip down.
“Hey… what… oh my god.” I turned away, blushing deeper than ever. “I thought you were joking!”
“I never joke about a bet!” and with that my insane new roommate ran out the room and down the hall. I thought about it for a second, or two, or three, then launched myself out of the chair so fast it clattered to the ground behind me. I caught up to her before she even reached the front door, grabbed her, hoisted all of her 95 pounds over my shoulder and carried this naked goof back upstairs. We got a couple of strange looks from people, Mei just waved at them and said, “Nice weather huh?” I groaned… it was going to be a long year.
***
I wasn’t wrong, but the days settled into a routine. Both of us were serious about our classwork and I had practice and she spent a lot of time drawing on what I learned was a Tablet. We liked totally different music… at first, but soon discovered that we both liked heavy metal, a genre neither of us had heard all that much of. The days were packed, there was always homework that needed to be done, but we made a rule that every week we’d go out for diner on Thursday, do laundry on Tuesday, and go to the beach or at least do something fun every Sunday.
In all things, Mei was crazier than me. She kept making bets and daring me to do strange, stupid, or just plain goofy things… and she had no shame… at all. She danced with abandon. She sat around the room in her panties and a t-shirt. She, five weeks into school, dragged me to a dance club, where she proceeded to whip off her top and revealed to the world that, instead of a bra or halter top, she was wearing electrical tape x’s over her nipples. Yet for all that, she never dated. By the time Halloween rolled around, I’d broken up with my third boyfriend. He’d lasted longer than the other two, almost three full weeks and had been an attentive lover, but the chemistry was wrong and he wasn’t much fun outside of the bedroom. The other two had been college jocks, too stupid to really get me, although they were fun.
The month before Halloween, Professor Norn announced that, in honor of the season, our assignment was to dress up in drag at least once a week and go out in public for at least an hour at a time, and record people’s reactions and our own. We had to document everything, including pictures, then write about how it made us feel. That caused a lot of outcry, not all of it from the boys. My gargantuan friend, whose name was Jake, only objected on the grounds that finding men’s clothes to fit him was hard enough. Several of the girls helped him out there. Several girls I didn’t know, all of them black and extremely busty commented that no one was going to believe they were men, no matter how they dressed. The Professor said that she’d be perfectly willing to discuss individual problems during office hours or via email, then said that this was worth 20% of the final grade, and was listed in the syllabus as “Field Work.” With tests accounting for 40%, homework another 40%, and attendance being only counted against you, that was a huge chunk of the grade. It did make me wonder what the Field Work assignment was like for Winter Semester (as big a joke as that concept is here in Hawai’i.)
I spent the weekend thinking about the assignment, then emailed the Professor.
“Do we have to dress in modern fashion? I mean, like wear a business suit or something?”
She responded within seconds.
“What have you in mind, Miss Kant?”
“Could I dress like a Viking?” I was suddenly glad I was alone in my room, because I was suddenly blushing for no apparently good reason.
“If you mean like a Norseman Warrior, then I see no reason why not. In fact, I do believe my college Professor Malus in the Anthropology department can help you with your outfit.”
I thanked her and headed over to the library for a study group. When I returned to drop off my stuff, Mei was back and I said, “Diner?”
She said, “Sure… you got a call from this guy, said you could call him or email him at [email protected] and he’d be happy to help with your project…. What project.”
I tried, I really did, to get her to drop it, but Mei is tenacious. Every two or three minutes she’d ask, right in the middle of whatever we were talking about, “What project? Huh huh huh?” Finally, when it was clear that she had no intention of letting me sleep until I answered her, I told her. She was quiet for so long I thought she’d fallen asleep. Finally, after about twenty minutes, she said, “Can I film it?”
I sighed, then said “Yeah, sure. I have to document it anyway. Why?”
“No real reason… you do realize you’re going to have to wear a fur thing… in October… in Hawai’i right?”
I grunted.
“and chainmail?”
I grunted again.
“And a helmet.”
“Yes. I do realize. Now go to sleep, some of us have to be up early.
***
Professor Malus reminded me a lot of my uncle Lars, who’s a very strange duck and no mistake. Wide muttonchops framed a wide jovial face and a tweed jacket could not disguise an athlete’s physique. He outfitted in Viking Regalia so easily that it seemed like he’d been outfitting warriors for centuries. He gave me everything I needed, except a spear, sword, or any other kind of weapon. And all he asked for was to take a few photos of me, although he did provide weapons for the photo session.
I’d like to say I got a lot of odd looks walking around campus dressed like a Viking Warrior… but that would be an understatement. First off, that stuff was heavy. Especially the wooden shield. And the fur smelled like… well, it smelled like an athletic supporter. And it drew attention. Every member of Peta, People Against Fur, the Vegan Alliance, and the ASPCA seemed to descend on me to yell at me about how fur was murder. And it was. Oh my god I was so hot. But I figured a Viking would never surrender to heatstroke, so I hydrated constantly and went out mostly in the evenings. And everywhere I went I was shadowed by little Mei and her videocamera.
Aside from the fur-haters, the reactions were mostly confusion or laughter or pointing. Most everyone treated me like a man, since under the chainmail and its padding you could not tell that I was female… or at least it was pretty damned hard. After the first time I was exhausted. I barely had enough energy left to get undressed and then I just collapsed on my bed. But I was also strangely giddy. I was almost vibrating.
I was just laying there, trying to find the energy to get up and shower when I felt a weight settle on the bed next to me and then a warm wetness was moving down my neck and back and a pair of small hands were moving my hair out of the way. I turned my head and saw Mei sitting there, wiping me down with a cool cloth. I smiled and she grinned her goofy grin back. Finally, with her help and a bottle of Gatorade I was able to stumble into the showers and clean off in time for my date. I have no idea what the movie was about, but the sex afterwards was incredible.
The next three times were easier, since they were later in the day and I didn’t have a date that night, but each time I’d come back to the dorm practically buzzing. It was like I was high. The second time, Mei had to run to get to some artsy movie she wanted to see and I spent an hour masturbating like crazy before wearing myself out. The third and fourth time I dropped by my boyfriend’s dorm and acted a little wanton. The fifth time… well, it was two days before Halloween and I’d broken up with what’s-his-name three days earlier. I was so keyed up I was looking for any excuse at all to kick Mei out of the room so I could have a little me time, but she just wouldn’t take the hint. I thought about doing it in the showers, but I’m not that good at keeping quiet.
Mei must have finally gotten the hint, because she came over and kissed me on the nose. “You know, if you want to play tickle the little elf, I don’t mind.” And she turned off the light and, putting on her headphones, settled in to write email (probably to her family in Taiwan, which she did every day practically). I stared at her back for several minutes, gnawing on my lower lip, then figured a Viking wouldn’t care so I undressed and slid under my sheets. I think it was even better than before.
***
The day before Halloween, a select few of us presented our findings (a three to five minute presentation that we’d originally given for our TA’s, with two or three being selected from each group to present to the full class). Guess who was selected. Me, Jake, and this guy Sam (who was clearly gay) from my group. Jake had said it was nerve wracking at first, that he kept thinking that everyone was staring at him cause he was wearing a dress… then he just stopped caring cause, since he’s so big people stare all the time. He said he still didn’t get make-up, but that women must be crazy cause the shoes were damned uncomfortable. Sam had hated it. He ranted about how he’d felt like a queen, like a faerie, and like he was going to be attacked and beaten at every turn. He also said that his boyfriend had almost broken up with him twice. I got a lot of laughs from my tales of Viking Mayhem… or rather, Viking Laundry, Viking Shopping, Viking eating Sushi. I didn’t go into just how exciting I’d found it, but did say that it was a real thrill.
I’d just finished, and was expecting the same, “Very good, Miss Kant,” that all the others had gotten (with their own names inserted) but instead, Professor Norns asked me a question, “So, what are planning on dressing as for Halloween, Miss Kant?”
I turned to face my ageless teacher and blinked. “I… I don’t… I hadn’t really considered it.” She just smiled at me, as if waiting for an answer. Finally, more out of desperation than anything else, I said, “Superman.”
“I look forward to that.” She said, then dismissed me with a “Very good, Miss Kant.
It wasn’t until I was halfway back to the dorm that I realized I’d said Superman instead of Supergirl. I told Mei this and she smiled, “Cool… and I’ll go as Batman!” I looked down at her in surprise and she grinned up at me.
“Sexy Batman,” she added, insouciantly. “You know that Superman and Batman are lovers, right?” I groaned. Mei had this theory that the entire Justice League was gay, especially the Greens, Arrow and Lantern, since the lantern symbol was clearly a vagina and the arrow a penis. I sighed. It was hard not strangling her most days.
It wasn’t hard finding costumes for us, although the padding was clearly not designed for a girl and so it was a little uncomfortable. Mei’s costume was for teens and showed more nipplage than Val Kilmer’s. Seriously.
If dressing as a Viking had aroused me, dressing as Superman nearly killed me. By the end of the day I was so aroused I was almost seeing double. I drank too much at the dorm party (shhh… underage drinking… eeeeevil!) and hooked up with Danny Greenbaugh, a friend from my organic chemistry class and a few Jewish mixers I’d been too, who was dressed as, of all things, Princess Leia. I dragged him back to our dorm room and was planning on having my way with him, when I heard a noise out in the hall. I thought about ignoring it, but after a minute realized that it was the combined sound of someone sniffling and keys trying to fit into the lock. I swore under my breath and, pushing Danny back onto the bed and opened the door.
Mei looked miserable. She’d been crying, obviously for a while and was swaying from side to side, looking non-too steady. The last I’d seen her, she was going off with some of her Chinese friends to get something to eat. One of them was down the hall, looking concerned. I shooed him away, since he really shouldn’t have been in our dorm this late, silently assuring him that I’d take good care of her.
I picked her up and set her on the bed, or at least tried to, but she clung to my neck and sobbed into my hair. I looked over at Danny but at some point he’d passed out completely. I sighed and carefully pealed Mei off of me before she got too much snot on my hair.
She smiled up at me, then her cheeks bulged and I grabbed the trashcan just in time as she was violently and loudly sick. After a while the heaves stopped and she just kind of fell asleep leaning against me. With yet another sigh of exasperation, I laid her back and, taking a towel and wash cloth with me, went to the bathroom to wash out the trash can. I cleaned my friend up, undressed her (all the way because at some point she’d clearly lost control of her bladder.) and then stood there looking back and forth between the unconscious duo. With a disgusted grunt I tossed a blanket over Danny’s form and stripped out of my own costume, then crawled into bed with Mei, but not on the same layer.
Danny was gone when I woke up the next day, feeling very much like a truck had run me over. I checked my clock and saw that I had five hours before I had to get to the hall to get ready for the game… at least it was a home game. I grabbed a bottle of water and some asprin off the nightstand and drained half of it, then went back to sleep, not even thinking about who’s bed I was in.
I woke again three hours later, feeling much better. I was feeling pretty good, actually, warm… I looked down and realized that Mei was snuggled against me, her head resting on my chest, a small pool of drool soaking through my top. I further realized that she had apparently squirmed out of her own layer and was in fact pressed full length against me. I did mention she was naked, right?
Trying very hard not to freak out or think about just how close her mouth was to my nipple, I slowly untangled myself from her embrace and slipped a pillow under her head. I grabbed my robe and shower kit, then snuck out, showered, and grabbed something to eat. I did some light exercise, then jogged over to the sports center. We crushed BYU-Hawai’i.
I barely saw Mei over the next week, since we had three away games in a row, but since we’d had 5 home games in a row before that, I guess I shouldn’t complain. Still, I really wanted to talk to Mei about whatever had been bugging her. As it was, I didn’t get to ask Mei about it before I found out. I was coming back to the dorm after getting in from the airport from Fresno, when I saw this very well dressed Chinese lady standing in outside our dorm hall looking nervous. She looked familiar, and after a few seconds I recognized her as Mei’s mom.
I walked up and said, in what I imagine is horrible Taiwanese, “Hello Missus Mai.” She looked at me sharply… or rather at my chest, then tilted her head back to look at my face.
“You know my daughter?” she asked, face puckered rather tight.
“Yeah. Sure. She’s my roommate.” I said, feeling too drained to try and figure out what the Lady Dragon’s problem might be.
“You must be Kara Kant. My daughter speaks of you well. You are an athlete?” she said it in such a way as to make it clear it was not a question. “You study a lot… and date many boys. My daughter… she does not date?” That was a question.
I shook my head. “Nope, the only people she hangs out with are her study groups, the Chinese Union kids, and me. She spends most of her time drawing or painting or doing homework.” I left out the video games and the times we went to the beach.
She nodded curtly, then asked if I would show her to our room, which I did. I plead fatigue, cause I didn’t even think about how Mei usually dresses. So it was that Mei’s mom walked in on Mei in shirt and panties, bopping her head to the Ramones and reading her Art History textbook. There was much yelling and whining and more yelling, all in Chinese. I tossed my bag on the bed, went to the bathroom, then walked back into the room, picked up Mei’s Mom, and carried the utterly surprised woman out into the hall. Without a word, I turned around and closed the door between the two. Mei looked at me with wide eyes.
Almost at once there came a pounding on the door. I opened it. “Yes?”
A red faced Chinese matron glared up at me. “How dare you-“
I cut her off by putting a finger over her lips. “How dare you, madam. This is my room. I do not barge into your house and start yelling at your husband. I expect the same courtesy, or at least an equal measure. Mei, I am certain, does not enjoy being yelled at. If you want to talk with her, as you clearly do since you have flown five thousand miles to see your daughter, you should keep a civil tongue in your head.”
She glowered at me, then snapped, “I do not have to take lessons in politeness from a…” she trailed off.
“Foreigner? Child? Well, lady, first of all, this is my country, not yours, so you’re the foreigner. Second, neither I nor your daughter are children. Young adults, certainly, but adults, by the laws and customs of both your country and mine. Anyway, I’m tired, and hungry, and I have classes in the morning, so unless you want to buy me dinner, could you please take this conversation elsewhere?”
And with that I closed the door in her face again, then motioned for Mei to get herself dressed really quick. I also whispered, “There, now she’ll spend the whole evening ranting about how rude your loutish roommate is.” Mei hugged me, got dressed, and dashed out. I didn’t see her again for three days.
***
I came back from practice on the third day to find Mei sitting on her bed, hugging her knees and staring off into the distance. I flopped down next to her and wrapped my arm round her shoulder. “What’s wrong kiddo?”
She blinked, then looked up at me and shook her head as if to clear it. “A really good friend of mine back home killed herself.”
“Oh shit.”
“Yeah.”
She didn’t say anything, and I just held her there for the longest time, until she finally sniffed and gagged. “Ewww, Go, shower, smell baaaaad.” I bopped her, then lifted her off the bed and carried her down the hall and into the showers. I turned on the water and soaked us both, clothes and all. Mei giggled and squirmed and then gave me a wedgie. I set her down and she scampered out of the shower. A second later a soaking wet t-shirt flew over the wall and hit me in the face. She came back a minute later to hand me my shower kit and announce that she’d left a towel on the hook for me.
***
Time passed and finals and the big tournaments were coming up. I’d found myself wandering through the shopping districts, listening to Orlando or some other book for class (audiobooks rule). It was during one of those trips, just as Orlando becomes a woman, that I realized I’d been looking past all the dresses and skirts and minis and purses. I found myself staring at this mannequin wearing an almost Victorian style suit. I realized that I wanted that suit… that I wanted to wear that suit… that I was, in fact, getting aroused at the very thought of how manly I’d look in it.
I ran back to the dorm and took a very cold shower. I did not sleep well that night, and I beaned the coach at practice the next day. That afternoon wasn’t a game day, and I found myself walking again through the shops. I went back every afternoon I could for a week before I bought that suit. The shop owner looked very confused, but as they say, money is money and he tailored it up right. That Friday I asked Mei if she wanted to go dancing and she, after a moment’s pause, agreed. She got such a kick out of the suit… and I got a kick out of dancing in it. I even got hit on by a few girls, although most of them backed off when I spoke. I might not have the biggest boobs, but I am a soprano.
Mei and I stayed out way too late, but neither of us drank anything, and we stumbled home, giggling like school girls the whole way. At the door to our room, I bent down and said, “Thank you for a wonderful evening, madam.” And I kissed her hand. She blushed and we both cracked up.
Over the next few weeks, I bought a couple more outfits, and sold off almost all of my more girly clothes. Somehow I just didn’t feel like wearing them anymore… then again, I’d never really thought about what I liked wearing and just sort of wore whatever I thought would make me look sexy or what everyone else was wearing. It was, I found, pretty darned hard, shopping for mens cloths that had the right… feel. Masculine wasn’t it. Powerful was as close as I could come to the right word.
And Christmas break was getting nearer and nearer. It wasn’t until I got my tickets home that I thought to ask Mei what she was doing for vacation. She shrugged, saying that she’d just stay on Campus, since her family didn’t do anything special for Christmas since they were Buddhists.
Without asking Mei, I called my mom and dad, telling them about Mei’s plans. They were thrilled at the idea and two days later I got a ticket in the mail for Mei too. Over ice cream and laundry, I slid the envelope over to Mei across the drier. She tilted her head, opened it, and then looked back up at me.
“What’s this?”
“A real vacation… if you can take the cold.”
She smirked at me, “Are you serious? You’re giving me a ticket to Boston… Are you mental?”
I shrugged, “I got a full ride. My parents have to do something with all that cash they set aside for school… yeah its fine.” Then I oofed as tiny little Mei did her best to tackle me.
“Oh thank you thank you thank you. I was going to be sooooo bored.”
I ruffled her head, “Yeah, bored, in the surf and sun capital of the universe… suuurrrrre.”
***
“Here we are,” I announced, shaking Mei awake. She’d fallen asleep when we were still inside Boston’s city limits, and that was an hour ago. She looked ridiculous, bundled up in her army jacket and like six sweaters… and she was still shivering. She looked up at me with bleary eyes.
“Where? This is the middle of nowhere.” She was looking out at the empty field of snow that stretched away for a good half a mile on the left side of the cab.
I laughed, then turned her head to face the right side. She gasped. “That’s your parent’s house?” I nodded. “Its huge.”
“Its been in the family for six generations. It used to be a manor house for this huge farm. Granddad sold most of the farm to developers, but kept about five hundred acres for the family. My uncle’s house is over there beyond those trees.”
“Girls, Don’t mean to rush you, but I’d like to get back to the city before night falls,” said the driver my parents had hired to bring us out to the country. I nodded, then helped Mei out of the car while the driver got the bags and we tromped up to the house. My dad came out, signed something, and then hustled us into the warmth while the driver pulled out of our drive and headed back into the city.
“Welcome home kiddo,” my big brother Steve said, enveloping Mei in a huge hug. “Hey, you shrank!” I clocked him. He’s been resentful every since I got taller than him when I was sixteen… he’s a shrimp at 6 foot 2. I introduced Mei and my family, my mom, dad, five brothers, two sisters, and all my cousins. Mei looked shell shocked and totally out of place among all those tall Nordic Jews, the shortest of whom was taller than Mei… even though Rebecca is only eleven, she’s five one.
My mom came out of the kitchen, the smell of brisket and fresh challah wafting out after her. I almost swooned at the smell… it’s not easy getting good home cooking in Hawai’i. Mom hugged Mei to her massive bussom and said, “It’s wonderful to have you here, dear. You’re welcome anytime.” She turned to me, “We put a cot up in your room, Kara. We figured you two were so used to sharing a room, and your aunt Maggie is coming in tomorrow from Kansas City so we had to give her the guest room.”
I waved it off. “Naw mom, its fine, it really is.” And it was. It was a heck of a dinner, although by the end of it I was drifting off into the happy haze of too much food, too long a plane / taxi ride, and too much warmth. I had to be shaken awake and told to get some sleep, since we were going snowmobiling in the morning.
We got Mei settled and I climbed into my warm bed and was asleep in seconds. I woke up way before dawn, yawned, stretched, and realized that I was not alone in bed. At first I thought it was Shane, one of our mastiffs, but it was too small. I peeked under the covers and found Mei, who blinked up at me and shivered. “COOOOOOOLLD!” she complained, then snuggled closer. I chuckled and nodded.
“Warned you.”
Eventually though I did manage to get Mei out of bed, although it took a fair amount of tickling. We took a quick shower, both of us together to save water (the house may have a huge water heater, but there are a lot of people in the house). I offered to wash Mei’s back (I do it all the time for team mates) but she demurred. Twenty minutes later we were dressed and down stairs. I made coffee and dad and two of my brothers came zombieing in, looking hallow and undead. After making another pot for the later risers, we bundled Mei up in some real cold weather gear (left over from when we were kids) and took her for a ride. She shrieked quite nicely, clinging to my back as if certain she’d be launched into one of the trees or snowdrifts if she loosened up for even a second.
When we finally got back to the house, Mei looked shellshocked and half frozen. I carried her inside and set her in front of the fire, then went looking for some of mom’s hot chocolate (she makes it by the gallon in winter) and brought some to Mei, who treated the slightly alcoholic, slightly spicy beverage as if it were the only thing standing between her and certain doom. After a light lunch of grilled cheese sammies and tomato soup, we sat around playing games and talking until Aunt Maggie and her girlfriend Saundra showed up.
My dad gave Aunt Maggie a huge hug and said, “Well, how’s my favorite blacksheep?” and Maggie laughed and punched him in the shoulder. Mei looked at me in confusion, so I explained.
“Maggie’s a lesbian, and she’s been in a committed relationship with Saundra for almost twenty years. Grandpa didn’t approve and disowned Maggie.”
“Your grandfather disowned your aunt for being a lesbian?” Mei sounded almost glum.
“Naw… for dating a shic… a non-jew. But Dad and Uncle Mark gave her a share of the inheritance when Grandpa died.”
“Oh.” Mei was quiet for a moment, then hopped up and said, “Introduce me to your aunt and her blacksheep.”
I laughed, “No no. Maggie’s the blacksheep, Saundra’s Greek, not Africa-American, not that it matters, but…” I tried to explain about the origin of the term Blacksheep, but I was pretty vague on the details myself.
That night’s diner was even more overwhelming than the previous evening’s, although I fared a bit better. I had to drag Mei off to get ready for bed, since we were going shopping in Boston in the morning. She’d been deep in conversation with Saundra over the differences in classical depictions of women in Hellenistic versus Ming dynasty art. I was totally lost.
That night, we didn’t even bother setting up the cot. We just piled all the blankets and stuff on my bed and Mei climbed in with me. I was just drifting off, when Mei whispered, “Thank you so much for inviting me… I… I… really love your family.”
I nodded and grunted something affirmative sounding, then fell asleep.
The days moved forward as they are wont to do, and if Christmas is meaningless to a bunch of Jews, an Athenian, and a Buddhist, New Years is still a pretty big deal. With fires blazing in both hearths, and fifty or sixty people in the house, it was a bash to remember. At some point, about two hours before midnight, I came out of the bathroom to find Aunt Maggie leaning against the wall, watching something across the room. I looked where she was looking and saw Saundra and Mei with their heads together, talking in intent but hushed tones. I looked back to Aunt Maggie’s face, to see if she was upset, but she looked serene, almost tranquil.
“What’s up?” I asked. She didn’t turn to face me.
“You don’t know, do you?”
“Know what?”
“I don’t know if it’s my place to say.”
“Auntie Maggie… you’re an old Jewish lady. Being a busybody is your cultural heritage… like guilt and lox.”
She laughed, then turned enough to glower at me. “I am not old… I’m only twenty-three years older than you, you little brat.” I gave her a cheeky smile and she shook her head, sighing deeply. “Your friend… she’s gay… she’s a lesbian.”
“No she…” I trailed off, then half-whispered, “Oh.” And things began to click into place. The lack of dates. Her mother’s surprise visit. The friend who’d killed herself. Why a Taiwanese girl would travel five thousand miles to study art. “Her family found out and sent her as far away as they could, didn’t they?”
Aunt Maggie turned to face me completely, eyes grave. “I’ve no idea.”
“What? She didn’t tell you that when she told you she was gay?”
Maggie laughed, but there was no humor in it. “She hasn’t said more than three words to me aside from general politeness. And if she’s talked to Saundra about it, Sandy’s said nary a word about it to me.”
“Then how?” I was at a loss.
“Gaydar.”
“Yeah, right.”
“Okay. Then I can see how she looks at you.”
“At me?”
“Yeah. At you. And how you look at her.”
“I don’t… I’m not… I… I have to sit down.”
“Good idea.”
I slid down the wall, hugging my knees. “I’m not a… I like boys… kinda.”
Aunt Maggie sat down facing me. “Yeah, well kiddo, then you got problems, cause every time that girl enters the room you focus on her like you were a house plant and she was the sun. And you touch her all the time. And she lights up whenever you’re around.”
“Oh crap.” I buried my face in my knees. “What do I do?”
“You want my advice?”
“Yes I want your advice, hence the question.”
“No need to get snippy. Are you seeing anyone?” I shook my head. “How long has it been?”
“I… I broke up with my last boyfriend in October. I’ve had a couple of flings since then… but I was just too busy… practice and games and homework.”
“Yeah… and her?”
“She doesn’t date… at all. And she never goes anywhere with less than three other people… except…”
“Except?” Maggie prodded gently.
“Well, we do stuff together.”
“Then I guess you have some decisions to make. I don’t know how her parents will take it if you two do get together, but I suspect your mom and dad will be, if not fine, then accepting. They’ll be supportive and want you to be happy kiddo.”
I nodded, not looking up as she stood and moved off into the room. An hour later, my cousin Yorik (as in alas poor. I blame academia. His brother is named Fortenbrass.) came looking for me. “Its almost time for the ball to drop.”
I got up, feeling a little like a robot, and followed him into the main room. Without really thinking about it, I moved over to where Mei was standing and, standing behind her, put my arms around her. “Having fun?” I asked, amazed at how normal my voice sounded. She nodded and I suddenly became aware of just how fast her heart was beating in her chest. As the time counted its way slowly, oh so slowly downward, I felt her warmth flow up my arms and slowly, oh so slowly through me, thawing me. I began to feel very much like I did when I dressed like a man. She was so tiny, so feminine, so warm in my arms. I was the strong one, the powerful one, the protective one.
As the counter reached one minute, the room got hushed and Mei squirmed. I glanced down at her and loosened my hold just a little. She turned around, still in the circle of my arms and looked up at me. I looked down at her. She crooked her finger at me and I leaned towards her as my family began counting down from ten.
“I’m in love with you,” she whispered, so quietly I wasn’t absolutely certain she’d said anything at all.
“I know,” I whispered back, and as the count reached zero, I kissed her.
Kara and Mei have taken the first steps towards being together, but life is seldom that simple. Before they can have their Happily Ever After, there will be tears, there will be violence, and oh yes, there will be blood.
To quote Katie Perry and Jill Sobule, “I kissed a girl”
It was electric. It was also both the most wonderful and most horrific thing I’d ever done in my life. Look, I’m no homophobe… seriously, I’m perfectly accepting of it... homosexuality… in others. But, up until New Years Eve of my freshman year, I’d been as likely to kiss another girl as I had been to kiss a goat… i.e. give me enough tequila and dare me to do it and I’d probably do it. But I wasn’t drunk… not even a little. What I was was freaking out.
As we kissed, and this was no simple peck but a full lip lock (no tongue) that went on and on and on until the giggling and or applause of my family finally intruded, I felt flush with excitement, power, strength. It was such a rush to hold my beautiful tiny China doll in my arms and let the rest of the world just melt away. Then reality hit and our lips slipped apart and while Mei hung from my neck and several of my brothers and male cousins wolf-whistled, I felt heat rising through my body and my knees go weak. I carefully set Mei down and smiled at her, then, after several tries, managed to get out a very shaky “Happy New Year!” before slumping into the nearest chair.
My eleven year old cousin Rebecca handed me a glass of what I though was sparkling cider until I’d downed half of it and discovered it to be champaign. I coughed and she smiled. “Yer momma told me ta give ya that. Said you’d need it.” And then she leaned in to kiss me on the cheek. “I gotta go ta bed now. Night night, Kay.” And she scampered off. My mastiff, Duchess, stuck her nose into my glass and tried to lick up some of the bubbly but I managed to get it away from her just in time.
Mei came over with her own glass of bubbly and, without asking, flopped into my lap. “We should talk.” I nodded. “Soon,” she added. I nodded again. “That will require you to form words with your mouth.” I groaned and tickled her, then slumped back in my chair.
“Why didn’t you say anything… you know, before?” I asked, my arm over my eyes.
“Like what?” she asked, voice small but not timid.
“I…” I opened my mouth, no doubt to say something stupid, when I felt a shadow move across the light. I moved my arm a bit and looked up into the face of my father. He looked upset. I closed my mouth with a snap.
“Kitchen… now.”
My blood went cold. Those words were code for, “You are about to get a talking to, young lady.” I stood, taking Mei with me, then set her gently on the floor. I patted her on the head, catching a nervous expression on her face out of the corner of my eye, but I followed my dad without another word to anyone.
Mom was sitting at the kitchen table sipping tea out of a stoneware mug that’s been in the family for two centuries and looking just as calm as cream. She raised an eyebrow at… well, it could have been either my father or me, it was hard to tell, then took another sip before setting her mug down.
“What’s up?” she asked.
“Our girl here lied to us, that’s what’s up,” my dad half thundered. Its an amazing skill that, the ability to boom and rage, but still keep your voice down so as not to let everyone in the house know someone is in trouble.
“Oh?” mom said, cool as the moon.
“That girl out there isn’t just her friend! They’re…” Dad trailed off, looking uncomfortable. Dad’s not good with the fact that any of his daughters are sexually active. I’m not kidding, I think he still is in denial that my elder sister, Linda, who’s got three kids and a fourth on the way, has ever had sex.
“And?” mom asked, still as unruffled as a newly made bed.
“And?” Dad thundered (only quietly). “AND!?”
Mom tilted her head at him and gave him one of those looks that said, “What are you going on about you great lumbering male, you?” Finally she spoke, “Your own sister is a lesbian and you have a problem with your daughter being one?”
I blushed and looked at the floor, trying desperately to figure out what to say, or if I should say anything. I still hadn’t figured out my own feelings yet and already I was being labeled. I liked, probably even loved Mei. She was wonderful, perfect, a cheerful, sensitive, caring little goof… who loved me. But was she what I wanted. Were we right for each other. Could I really forsake men (and their fun little bits and musky smell and hairy chests and strong arms) for a tiny little thing who smelled of oil paint and had more curves than me? I was pondering all that when dad said something that totally derailed my trail of thought.
“I’m not mad about that. I’m mad about being lied to! These last few, what is it days? Weeks? Months? Its all been, “My friend Mei this, and My roommate Mei that. No, Mom, Dad, this is Mei. We’re together and I love her.” I looked up at Dad, who stood there, fists clenched, back bowed with some nameless emotion. He looked at me, eyes full of what I suddenly realized was shame and guilt. “Why didn’t you tell us, punkin?”
I didn’t say anything for what seemed like forever, then suddenly I was across the room and hugging him. He felt somehow small, like he’d folded in on himself and I realized that he’d thought that I’d been keeping it a secret because I was afraid to tell him. I kissed him on the cheek and then swatted him gently upside the head. “You aren’t Grandpa… I know you aren’t Grandpa. You are an idiot. But you aren’t a hateful old man who’d disown his own daughter for being in love.”
If you’ve ever seen footage of an iceberg crumbling into the sea, that was what it was like watching my dad… in a good way. All the tension went out of him and he seemed to swell before my eyes, taking on more substance and unfolding as he relaxed. He slumped against the counter and drained a glass of champaign in one gulp. “Then why?”
I shrugged. “I didn’t know until just now. We-“ but before I could explain, I was cut off by a snort from my mother. I glanced over at her.
“Pull the other one,” she said with a knowing smirk.
“No, really! I didn’t even know Mei was…” I paused, thinking about how to say what I wanted to say without saying things I wasn’t sure were true… at least not yet. “I didn’t even know Mei had feelings for me until a couple of hours ago… and I didn’t know I had feelings for her until about twenty minutes ago.”
If you had hit my mother with a taser I doubt she could have looked more stunned. “You didn’t? But honey…” she trailed off, clearly not wanting to pry.
“Go on mom, spit it out.”
“But honey, the way you spoke of her on the phone… and the way you dote on her… I was pretty sure even before you showed up… and you two have slept together every-“ Dad cleared his throat loudly, cutting her off. I was grateful, since if my blush had gotten any deeper my head would have exploded. She looked up at me, eyes full of concern. “You really didn’t know?” I shook my head. “Oh. Are you okay with it?”
I nodded. It wasn’t even a lie. I was okay, confused, nervous, freaking out, totally out of my depth and area of comfort, but okay. Its like when you’re loosing in volley ball and you fall down. The coach asks if you’re okay and you say, “Yeah coach, lets get em!” and hop back into the game. You mean, “Yeah I’m alright” even though really you are also totally upset and trying to figure out how to get back on track. Life, I’ve learned, is funny that way.
***
The party wrapped up not long after that and we all headed off to our various rooms for the night. Mom announced that anyone who woke up before she did could grab a light breakfast, but not to eat too much since lunch was going to be one last blow out before people started heading out to get home. I held my tongue, carefully not commenting on the inadvisability of giving people a huge meal before sending them out onto iced over roads where they would no doubt have their heaters running. Food + heat = drowsy driver may be basic math, but so is annoying smartass daughter + foot + mouth = mean mom glare + dish washing duty.
Mei was practically giddy as she bounced up the stairs and flopped onto my… our bed. She kicked her feet and smiled, almost shyly at me. I shut the door, just in time as Mutton, our largest and by far stupidest mastiff, tried to come in. He scratched at the door for a few seconds before snuffling off down the hallway towards one of my brother’s rooms.
I leaned back against the door and, smiling a somewhat sardonic smile, regarded Mei… who could, and no doubt would be delighted to be my Mei. I chuckled at that thought and she grinned, then grabbed one of my pillows and hugged it, looking small and defenseless but not particularly worried.
“You aren’t gay,” she said. It wasn’t a question.
I said and did nothing.
“Its okay. That’s why I didn’t say anything. I knew. I mean, I’d been attracted to you from the start, but I always thought me and Lin-dai-yu would get back together, after college. I knew I was fooling myself. She…” she swallowed, a tear coming to her eye, and I ached to go to her and to wipe it away, maybe to kiss it away, to keep her safe from the pain… but I couldn’t move. It wasn’t my place, not right now. This was her time, her story, I couldn’t take that away from her.
“We were friends in… I think you call it middle-school… six, maybe seven years ago. And her father got transferred to Hong Kong. We cried when she left and we promised to write all the time… and we did, for five years. Then her father got transferred back and we were even better friends. We would stay up late talking about everything. One night we kissed.” Another tear joined the first and she closed her eyes in memoriam. “We were together for a year, almost, and we’d talked about going to school in California, far away from our parents and their traditionalist ways. I have an Aunt who lives in San Francisco. Then her neighbor saw us holding hands at a café and told her father… who told my father. There was…” she swallowed. “There was a lot of screaming. We had dishonored them, dishonored our families, dishonored our ancestors, dishonored China and the Gods and Buddha and ourselves. Her father hit her. He…” She hugged the pillow and wept, hunched over, back shaking, and my fingers dug into my palms as I held myself rigidly against the door. Everything was out of focus except her and my body, my heart, my soul all screamed for me to go to her. But I wouldn’t. It wasn’t the right time, because… I couldn’t say why, but something told me it wasn’t. Something was missing, some key which would free me to act.
Finally she raised her head, grabbed a tissue from my nightstand, and blew her nose. In a calmer but more ragged voice she continued. “He beat her so bad that even my father felt moved to step in. The police came and arrested him. The ambulance came and took her to the hospital. I… I never saw her again. Never heard from her again. The hospital had orders not to let me see her and when she got out she was sent to… to another hospital. In the country, for those who have mental problems.” She hugged herself, “And my parents sent me to the States, where I would not embarrass them. Taiwain is… well, its more liberal that most of Asian… more liberal even than most of America in many ways… but those parts of our country who are conservative are very, very conservative. My parents are among them.” She smiled, although it was not a happy smile. “They are so conservative that they don’t hate the Communists because they are anti-democratic. They hate the Communists because they want the Emperor back.”
She sighed, then continued, voice lighter. “Then my mom came, and it was bad, and she tried, for three days, to talk me out of being a lesbian, tried to convince me that if I married a nice boy, one of my father’s employee’s sons, that I would see that it was just a phase, and then I could come home and we’d be a family again. I told her, as you Americans say, where to stick it. She wasn’t amused. So she got ready to go, assured me that my father would continue to pay for my schooling, and for an apartment over the summer and that when I graduated they wanted me to disappear and never bother them again… unless I repented and married a nice Chinese boy. But until then I wasn’t to embarrass them any more with my perversions. And then, just before she left, she told me Lin had killed herself. That was all.”
I ground my teeth together, wanting in that moment to fly to Taiwan and rip out Mei’s mother’s throat with my bared teeth and then spit in her face as she slowly asphyxiated on her own blood. As I struggled through the red rage, Mei continued.
“I’d been attracted to you from the start, and loved you at that moment when you carried my mother out of the room. Then you comforted me and I needed you, but told myself it was just a rebound, just desperation, so I kept quiet. But you were so wonderful, and I found myself wanting to be with you more and more. I was happy, and scared. What if I scared you off, if you left me, if you wanted nothing to do with the little Chinese pervert. So I was happy just to be with you for as long as I could… then you invited me to your wonderful… and frigid home… and your Aunt’s lover talked to me… I’d never talked to another… an older… I’d never admitted… it was as if she could see into my soul, into my heart, and she helped me. She said… well, a lot of things, but mostly she said that you’d never run from me. That running wasn’t in the Kant gene-pool. That your parents had raised you to be a good, and decent, and wonderful person. She said that I should tell you. She said, maybe you’d return my feelings, that most likely you wouldn’t, but that you’d never stop being my friend, not because of this… probably not for any reason. She said you had a good heart and a good head, and not a hateful bone in your body.” I winced at that, cause I really, really hated her parents right at that moment, but I still said nothing.
“I love you,” she said, in English, then in Chinese. “With all of my heart, I love you, Kara Kant, my Supergirl, my Viking Warrior.” She paused, swallowed hard, then continued. “And I don’t mind if you don’t love me back.”
I knew she was lying, that she was being brave. It didn’t take a mind reader. Hell, it would have taken a moron not to know. I also knew that this was the moment, the moment of decision. Maybe not a for the rest of my life would be shaped by kind of moment, but the moment the rest of my life could be shaped by. I could tell her I loved her and everything would change, in the blink of an eye. I could tell her I wanted us to be friends but nothing more, and less would change. In time we would be just that, and I’d find a boy and she’d find a girl and we’d be BFF. But was that what I wanted. If I loved her, it didn’t have to be forever. Only a fool thinks love always lasts. If I didn’t love her… that was forever. That door, a possible future with Mei, with my Mei, would be gone, closed, never to reopen.
Slowly, I moved towards the bed. I brushed the hair back from her eyes, those grey eyes that held so much joy and so much pain and so much hope. I didn’t want to shut that door. I didn’t know if I could be the woman… the person… Mei needed me to be. I didn’t know if I’d be happy, giving up men. Sure, any relationship meant giving up the chance to have sex with most of the rest of the population… but this… Could I be happy? Was an emotional connection, even one this overwhelmingly wonderful, was it enough to make up for the lack of a sexual connection? Was I being shallow? I shook my head, trying to clear it, but a flash of pain crossed Mei’s expression as she took it for rejection.
In that moment I knew. I wanted to be with Mei. I wanted her to be mine. Maybe it would last, maybe it wouldn’t, but I’d never forgive myself for not taking this chance, for being too afraid to change, for taking the safe way out. I leaned forward, slowly pressing Mei back on the bed, and for the second time, I kissed her.
It was wonderful… no shame, no embarrassment, no fear. I gathered her in my arms and held her for several endless minutes. Then I kissed her again and rose from the bed. I looked down at her tiny, breathless form and smiled. “You need to wash your face, its all icky and streaky.” She laughed, tried to kick me in the leg, then threw the pillow at me.
We slept in each others arms that night, and that was wonderful too. I’d never been the pillow, well, I had been but never while cuddling, and it gave me a sense of completion like none I’d ever known. I felt strong, like my arms were walls to keep Mei safe, to protect everything that mattered most to me. I felt like a warrior, one who’d battled long and come home to the woman who loved him. I felt like a man… and it was good.
***
Things changed slowly after that. We touched a little more, we slept in the same bed even once we got back to school, and our time together became dates. My schedule was open a great deal more, since the Volley Ball season was over. We still had practices and scheduled workout times, since the coaches didn’t want us loosing our edge with all those months between games, but it wasn’t the same. So Mei and I were together more often. Of course, I had a heavier course load in the winter semester, but even then we had two classes together. And I’d signed up for Professor Norn’s Gender Studies 201… and Professor Malus’s European History: The Dark Ages. Last, I decided to take Chinese, since I had to have a language anyway, and the school didn’t offer Hebrew or Norwegian, both of which I speak fluently and I’d had enough Spanish in high school, thank you very much.
Mei’s friends accepted me into their circle like a group of poodle fanciers welcomes a mastiff. Sure, it’s a dog, and the owner says it won’t bite, but you never can be completely certain, now can you. My teammates were more than welcoming to Mei, but if I felt like a giant among her friends, the tallest of whom was 5’7”, it was even worse for Mei, since I was tied for the tallest girl on the team while Mei was the undisputed shortest of her group. That, and my teammates persisted in calling Mei “Cute” which is, apparently, a four letter word in any language.
Still, as I said, Mei’s friends welcomed me in, with, if not good grace, then not too much fuss. I don’t know if they were more annoyed because I was too tall or too white, or maybe that I spoke only about three dozen words of broken Chinese… at least at first. Still, none of them seemed to have a problem with our relationship. They simply accepted that we were together and that was that.
Once a week, we went out for Chinese, and I know all Jews are supposed to love Chinese, but I’d never been a big fan of stir fry or noodles. Mei just laughed when I told her that, then smiled and said, “That’s not Chinese food. Most of that was invented in America. Come on, you’ll like it.”
I grumbled, sounding very much, I realized, like my dad when my mom tries anything experimental in the kitchen, but let my diminutive girlfriend drag me off to my doom. That night I discovered the joy of Dim Sum. If you’ve never had it, its like an endless stream of appetizers, some of them familiar (like potstickers and barbeque spareribs) and others totally new (like curried squid, chicken feet, and pork buns). It was surprisingly good, even though Mei’s friends, especially this one boy named Gui who was extremely and flamboyantly… lets say happy… kept trying to convince to eat some of the whole (as in with heads and shells still on) shrimp. Now, I might not keep kosher, except at home, but no way am I going to eat seafood shell and all… urg.
Most of the conversation that evening was in Chinese, and I caught Mei glowering at one of the others more than once, leading me to suspect that some whitegirl bashing was going on, but Mei just smiled when I asked and I didn’t push her. On the way home, she pretended to have eaten too much and demanded a piggyback ride. I shook my head, but acquiesced.
She scrambled up me like a squirrel going after the last acorn of summer, then wrapped her arms round my neck and shouted “Ridem Cowgirl!”
I threatened to drop her in the nearest body of water if she yelled like that again, so she nibbled my ear and said “Sowwwweeeeee.” I shook my head again, firmed my grip on her thighs, and headed off across campus.
“Mei?” I asked as we passed the library.
“Yeah?”
“Are you okay that we don’t… you know…” I felt heat rising in my face as I waited for her answer.
“Speak the same language?”
“Nooo… that we never-“
“Go shopping in NYC?”
I growled at her. “Look you little goof, I’m trying to be serious here!” but I was smiling nonetheless.
“I am serious. I’d love to go to New York. Or Paris. Museums, fashion, snooty people with accents too thick to be understood.” I squeezed her thighs and she squeaked, then leaned in and nuzzled my neck. “I’m patient. I don’t want… or need… to rush you Kay. We’ll… you know… when you’re ready. And if we don’t, we don’t. As long as I get to play with your titties, I’m good.”
I flushed crimson, glancing around to see if anyone had overheard, but the nearest other person was sixty feet away and talking into a cellphone. “You… you’ve never… I…”
“Can I?” she asked in a slightly weedling voice, her breath shivering across my ear. I almost dropped her, my skin breaking into goosebumps and tingles racing up my spine. My mouth was suddenly very dry. I think I managed to wheeze out something, but at that moment I was saved by the appearance of one of UH’s finest, in the form of Officer Pohaku.
“Aloha girls, out late I see?” he said in that oh-so-sexy way that native Hawai’ians say everything. That he was in his mid-to-late twenties, built like a swimmer, and had overly large hands was all gravy on the side of that gorgeous face. Every girl in my dorm… except Mei and this girl Meredith (who wasn’t gay but rather too feminist to actually like men… or, as she put it, the Oppressors of Eve’s Daughters and Despoilers of Nature) had a little crush on Officer Tom Pohaku… including me.
I tried to answer, but Mei, who’s throat was not Saharan, peeked over my shoulder and waved, her other arm choking me slightly. “Hiheeee!” she squealed as I half dropped her. She slid to the ground, then bounced around me. She slammed her heels together and stood ramrod straight, then saluted. “Just getting back from supper, Skipper. All’s quiet on the northern front.”
What can I say, I noogied her and she squealed, then ran off towards the door, going “Help, help! I’s bein’ chased… oh lawdy!” but not very loudly or very fast.
I favored the officer a smile and he smiled back, shrugged, and said, “Well, night tall girl, better go catch your friend.”
I didn’t hurry, but still managed to catch up with Mei before she’d managed to get half-way to the dorm. Then again, her legs are like three inches long or something.
“You are a goof,” I said as I caught up to her. She was walking tightrope along the edge of a low stone wall, which made her just slightly taller than me. It was a novel sensation, but somehow made me uneasy. I reached out, tugged her off the wall, and caught her in my arms as she fell, squeaking in surprise.
“That wasn’t nice!” she pouted.
“Neither was trying to choke me,” I said without rancor. I set her down and shoved my hands into my pockets. “Come on, lets get back, its late.”
Later, as we snuggled in what had once been the bed on my side of the room (her bed had been disassembled, the mattress shoved under our bed, and the frame carried down to storage, thus freeing up the other side of the room for an easel, a tv, and a mini-fridge.) I held her spooned against me, my nose in her hair. “Were you serious?”
“Mmmm?” she groaned, obviously almost asleep.
“About… about waiting.”
“Oh,” she said in that tiny, almost not there way she sometimes has. “Well… yeah. Of course.”
“Why?”
“Uh…” she squirmed around until she could face me, our noses almost touching on the pillow. “Why am I willing to wait?” She sounded slightly incredulous. I nodded dumbly and she kissed the tip of my nose. “Because I love you.”
“Well duh!” I said, trying to hide my confusion and unease behind sarcasm, which, you know, always works… not!
“I’m serious. I’m not in lust with you, you big galoop!”
“Its galoot,” I said, smirking in the gloom.
“Whatever!” I could tell she was pouting again, so I tickled her sides just a little.
“I’m serious Mei. This is serious. I mean, we sleep together, we make out all the time… well, we kiss a lot.”
“And sometimes you fondle my butt,” she said cheekily.
“And sometimes I fondle your butt,” I acceded. “But we’ve never gone any farther. Its… Look, I’m not complaining. To be honest, taking the next step, let alone the steps that come after… it scares the crap out of me. But I hear all the time about couples breaking up ‘cause one or the other partner doesn’t… you know… put out.”
Mei snuggled against me, pressing her nose into my neck, and sighed. “Well, I’m not them.” And then she said something so quietly that I could only tell she was talking from the feel of her words against my throat.
“What?”
I’m pretty sure she repeated herself, but I still couldn’t hear her.
“Mei? What’s wrong?”
She sniffled and hugged me tighter and, after a moment, I sighed and hugged her back. I was used to this by now. Something would make her think of her old girlfriend and she’d cry for a little and I’d hold her. I… I think I sound a little callous there, but nothing could be further from the truth. She was sad, and had a right to be, and someday, soon god willing, she would be able to think about the girl who had been and not remember the way it had ended. Until then I was there to hold her. It was as it should be.
Eventually, Mei stopped crying and drifted off to sleep… or so I thought. I was almost in la-la land myself when she pulled back from me, grabbed a tissue, and dabbed at my neck, then blew her nose and snuggled back against me. I couldn’t see her face clearly, but I could tell she was smiling. It was a rueful, almost regretful, smile, but no longer sad.
“We never… we hadn’t… Lin and I never got further than fondling… under the clothes but over the bra fondling.”
“Oh. OH!” I sounded like an idiot. “So…”
“Yup.”
“You’ve never…”
“Not ever. Not even one little finger.”
“Right… I’m such a slut.”
“Yup!” she agreed, far too cheerfully. I was forced to tickle her into submission.
***
“How many of you,” Professor Norn asked, “Have ever heard of Polygamy?” Most of the class raised their hands. “How many have ever heard of Polyandry?” Most of the hands went down. “Did you know,” she continued, “That in ancient Mesopotamia, the men felt themselves so oppressed by the women, that they made a law stating that any woman who had more than one husband could have her teeth smashed out with a brick?” There were many gasps and a few chuckles. It was a balmy 88 degrees that day in early February, which might explain why I was wearing a swimsuit in class… what it did not explain was why I was wearing a mens swimsuit, one of those long, almost cargopants looking things with the mesh inner lining and the drawstring.
After our return from the frozen north, my wardrobe had continued its slow, almost languid slide into the unfashionable realm of men’s clothing. Sure, no one really looked twice at me, but like they would if I were a guy wearing a frock. These days women can pretty much wear anything they want without alarms going off and people pointing and staring. Still, I’d taken to shopping exclusively in the men’s departments… except for underwear. Smallchested I might be, but flat I am not… but there too my choice of support helped make me more masculine, not less. Rather than looking for the augmentation of Victoria’s Secret, I stocked up on sports bras and plain jane white cotton panties… not grannies, but certainly closer to tidy-whities than a thong.
I bought new sunglasses, a new watch, new running shoes (although rather than buy men’s shoes I found a pair in the women’s section that looked almost identical to one in the men’s… foot care is serious shit.) and even started wearing my hair in a low ponytail, the kind that bikers and cowboys sometimes have. I’d briefly flirted with the idea of cutting it, but it fit my Viking demeanor to have long hair, and if they could do it, so could I. As I settled more and more into this strange new me, I found myself buying shampoos that smelled less fruity, body washes that smelled spicier rather than feminine, and switching over to odorless deodorant.
Mei watched my slow transformation with a mixture of pride and barely contained glee, and she used every opportunity to remind me, in as light and perky a fashion as possible, that I was still female… even as I tried to become a Man. She’d pick up cute plushies (awww). or puppy calendars (awww), or floral print sheets (yerg), and offer them up to me, a bright, half crazed smile on her face. I bought some of them, but insisted that plain blue or green or grey (not pink) cotton sheets would be fine… although we did splurge and get some really nice Egyptian stuff that felt smooth as a baby’s butt.
“That concludes our lecture for the day, ladies and gentlemen,” the Professor said. “If you would be so kind as to remember to bring your money for the tickets on Wednesday, I’d appreciate it. And remember, the movie starts at midnight, so everyone be there on time. Those of you who’ve seen it before, feel free to dress up and or sing along. Boys if you are dressing as Frank, do wear something over your outfit, at least in public.” And with that she strode into her office and out of sight.
I waited as the room emptied, steeling myself. I had questions that needed answering, questions I’d begun asking myself and Mei. She’d suggested the Internet, but I was leery of such an impersonal (and fallible) tool, at least in this regard. I wanted a more personal approach, I’d told Mei. If I was going to figure out my own sense of identity, I really needed to talk to someone about me, not about some abstract other. And it needed to be with someone I knew, someone I trusted. So Mei’d suggested Professor Norn. I’d almost smacked myself for not thinking of it, but then I had to be honest with myself. I’d discounted her because she was old, because she was a teacher not a peer. But still, she was the obvious choice. If she couldn’t help me, maybe she could put me on the right track.
As the last of the class filed out, I squared my shoulders, firmed my jaw, and marched down the risers to the Professor’s office, heart pounding as if I were single handedly invading Scottland. I hardened my resolve as I neared the door, unwilling to allow even a trace of hesitation in my actions. Vikings didn’t hesitate, they were bold, fierce, mighty. They didn’t pause in front of wooden doors afraid to knock.
I knocked.
“Come in,” the professor’s voice chimed.
I opened the door. “Can I have a word, Professor?”
“Office hours aren’t until 5… and I have another class in 45 minutes…” she paused, tilted her head and looked at me for a very, very, very long moment. “Yeeees,” she almost sighed, “Why don’t you come in and have a seat, Miss Kant.”
“Umm, thanks,” I said, then flopped onto the half buried sofa. “I… Look, I’ve…” I fumbled for the words. I’d no idea how to start, what to say, or how to even phrase my plee. “I need some advice,” I finally managed
“I gathered,” the Professor said, voice calm but kind. “Those are men’s clothes.”
“Yes.”
“I thought I’d noticed you’d changed your… look. Are you a transvestite or a transsexual?”
I blinked at her. “A what… or a… you mean a drag queen?”
She chuckled. “Well, yes and no. Drag Queens are usually Transvestites, although some are pre-op transsexuals, but the terms are not fully congruous. But lets not get into male Transgender issues, shall we?” I nodded, serious confused.
“Alright. Hmm… Do you think of yourself as Male or Female?”
My kneejerk reaction was to blurt out that ‘of course’ I was female, but I paused, giving the matter a serious amount of thought. “Female… I don’t want a penis and I’m perfectly happy with my sex… I mean my biological… I mean, I’m perfectly happy with what I’ve got and don’t want to change that.”
“So… why do you dress as a Man? Are you afraid of your sexuality?”
“No! I mean… Well, the thing is I’m in a… a relationship with another woman. She’s great, a girl but not too girly. I still like guys too, so I guess I’m bi… or whatever… even though I haven’t been with one since Mei and I… I mean since we… started being together… well, and for a bit before that. I’m… I’m rambling.”
“Yes, you were. So why do you do it?”
“I like the way it makes me feel.”
“That is both true and an evasion.”
“I…”
“How does it make you feel?”
“Like…” my throat was suddenly dry and I had to whisper, “Excited… powerful… Man… Manly I guess.”
“Is it important to you to feel ‘Manly’?”
I nodded.
“Why?”
“I…”
“Yes?”
“I want to…”
“To…? To do or to be?” She tilted her head at me, eyes slightly narrowed. I felt as if she were looking through me.
“To be.”
“You want to be a Viking? To be a Warrior? A fighter slash protector slash provider?”
I nodded, stunned. “How…”
“Your project.”
“Right. Heh, silly me.”
“Indeed.”
“So?”
“You are not crazy, or mentally unbalanced, or any other diagnostic term… if that was your worry.”
“It wasn’t, but thanks… its just…” I paused, frowned, then grumbled, “I just don’t know why I couldn’t be happy being, you know, normal.”
She laughed. “There is no such thing. Look Miss Kant… Kara… I’m certain you’ve been told this before, but you can be anything you want to be… but what I’m also certain no one has ever told you before is that you never have to justify wanting to be it.” She stood, waving towards the door. “Now if you will excuse me, I really must get ready for my next class.”
I rose and moved towards the door as she turned back to her desk. I was just opening it when her hand grabbed my wrist. She was much stronger than she looked. “Remember, You should never apologize for being yourself. Its like the sky apologizing for rain or the sea for being stormy. You are what you are. But if you need help understanding that, here’s a number for a group that might be able to… anyway, off you go.” And off I went.
***
I did look at the card. It was for a support group. I thought about it… thought about calling… then shrugged and threw it away. If I really needed support, I had Mei. I had friends, and I had my parents and Aunt Maggie and Sandy. If I was really so weak that I needed to hide from my family and seek help from a bunch of strangers, then I was no Viking. I’d work my way through this until I found a me that I liked and understood.
I shared my decision and the details of the meeting with Mei and she shrugged, then snuggled into my lap and said, “Let me paint you.”
“Why?”
“Cause I want to look at you all nekkid and sexy.”
“Umm.” I thought about it, then shrugged. “Are you serious, or are you just being… well, you?”
“Well, both. I want to paint you, and I want to see you naked.”
“You’ve seen me naked loads of times. We change in front of each other pretty much every day… we’ve even showered together.”
“S’diff’rent.” She was blushing.
“How so?”
“Cause I never really looked. I mean sure, I looked. I peeked, I even ogled once or twice way back at the beginning of the year. But I’ve never really looked.”
It was my turn to blush. “All… alright. When do you want to do this?”
She thought about that for a long time, then squirm free of my arms and hopped up. “After we go shopping!” she crowed.
“Shopping?”
“Shopping!”
“Stop repeating the word. What are we shopping for?”
“A lamp, a red silk scarf, some whipped cream, some strawberries, and some chocolate syrup.”
“Dare I ask why?”
“Nope, you just get to carry the bags.”
I had a bad feeling about this… but my curiousity, as it so often does, got the better of me… Besides, who ever heard of a Viking who was afraid of strawberries…