Hostess With The Mostest
Part 1
Maddy Bell

"So how much did you get last week?" Julia asked

"Twenty five, plus my share of the drinks, about forty I suppose" I admitted

"That is just so unfair Chris," Mandy stated, "all the drivers reckon you're the best host on the company but you always get diddley squat in the way of tips!"

"Well, that's the way it goes I suppose"

"What tour are you on this week Chris?" Julia shifted the focus of our conversation.

"Tirolean Splendour"

"Urgh! All those mountains. It rained all week last time I did that one" Julia mentioned

"Well I prefer it to those Med. Trips, they're too hot for my liking" I mentioned, " what about you two?"

"Sorrento and Amalfi Coast" Mandy stated

"Lake Garda for me" Julia added

"Cool we go down to Bavaria together" I enthused.

Now before you all get too uppity perhaps I need to fill in some holes! My name is Chris Hornby, like the toy trains? me and the girls work for Global Holidays as 'hosts' on their continental coach holidays. I've been doing this for three years now and I really enjoy it despite being or perhaps because I'm the only bloke. I'm sure a lot of you have been on coaching holidays so you'll have a fair idea what I do, if not you'll soon get the idea! Any way where were we? Oh yeah.

"Here we go" Mandy told us as the minibus pulled into Leicester Forest East (motorway services)

"See you at Dover girls" I called as we walked to where our weeks charges were waiting.

"See ya Chris" Mand called back

I walked to where my bus was waiting, Colin the usual driver for the UK leg was just finishing his fag.

"Hi Chris"

"Morning Col" I yawned, stretching theatrically, "I hate these early starts"

"Don't do anything for me either" he agreed

"Are we all loaded?"

"There's just a couple at the toilets then we can get off"

I climbed on board and stowed my bag, hopefully my luggage was already on board, I did load it myself last night but you never know! The last two 'guests' climbed on board followed closely by Col.

"Let's go!" Colin enthused

He reversed the coach out of the bay and eased forward, hooting the others still waiting. I waved to the girls as we passed and sat on my seat while we threaded our way out onto the motorway. The passengers settled down quickly and with practised timing I grabbed my mike and perched on the dashboard.

"Morning everybody"

A few mumbled mornings were received in reply.

"Welcome to Global Tours Tirolean Splendour, my name is Chris and I'll be looking after you this week. Colin here will take us to Dover where our driver for the rest of the trip, Den, will join us. Now just a bit of info for you, although there will be regular 'comfort' stops the coach does have a toilet, the door to the left at the bottom of the steps to the centre exit. Just remember to turn right when you come out" I joked, which received a mixed reception.

"All seats have seatbelts, for your safety we advise that you use them at all times. there are several emergency exits, front door, centre door and just next to the rear seats. In addition there are two roof exits and in case you are asked there is a fire extinguisher and first aid box next to my seat at the front here."

I paused for breath

"I will come around shortly if you want drinks, we can offer, tea, coffee, chocolate and an assortment of soft drinks. All drinks are fifty pence each or seventy cents if you prefer. If you have any questions, I'll try to answer them."

"Relax and have a good trip, thanks for your attention" I clicked the mike off, knowing that the punters would take a few minutes to settle down again.

"You want a drink Col?"

"Tea, white no sugar please"

I headed up the coach, a fixed smile on my face and started the drinks making process. I know some of my fellow hosts hate this bit of the job but done right you can make some serious dosh!

By the end of my first 'drinks' round, I realised that this was going to be a difficult trip, several retired couples, a few older singles, one young family with two small children and the rest of our thirty six passengers were forty something's. As usual, the regular travellers were extolling the 'virgins' with travellers tales of places distant, exotic and I'm sure quite often never visited!

We stopped for a loo and fag break at South Mimms then started the long leg down to Dover. As we always catch the one o'clock Stena sailing we could afford to keep the speed down and the other Global coaches caught up to us so that the driver changes at the docks were carried out simultaneously.

"Hi Den" I greeted my partner for the week.

"Chris" he acknowledged

A short wait on the dock and we were loading.

"We are at blue five, please return to the coach as soon as you are advised, have a good trip, see you in France" I told my charges

The passengers filed off and Den and I quickly locked the bus and followed up stairs. One of the perks of the job is the cheap or sometimes free meal's offered to coach crews. We joined the girls and their drivers, Rob and Steve and headed to the drivers lounge.

We collected our lunches and commandeered a table.

"What are yours like?" Mandy asked Julia and myself

"Looks like my lot are gonna be hard work, I only did a dozen drinks on the way down" I told them

"Poor Chris" Julia patted my arm, "my bunch seem pretty up for a good time"

"Yeah mine too, Chris always seems to get the sour pusses" Mand added

The six of us sat and chatted while the ferry manoeuvred out of Dover harbour then left to go visit the bureau de change and duty free shops. I know it's a cliché but we joined the bargain hunters in the rattling beer and cigs shop, Den likes the occasional cigar and Rob smokes anytime he gets a chance!

"That lot over there are mine" I pointed to a group of holidaymakers, sharing jokes and stories.

"They don't look too bad" Julia pointed out

"Well, they sort of clam up on the coach, none of my usual funnies have got more than a mumble"

"Not even the toilet door?" Mandy asked

"Nope!"

"I reckon it's because you're a bloke" Mandy went on

"Get off" I stated

"You know she could be right" Julia agreed

"Well I think that's a load of bull" I mentioned

"Maybe" a thoughtful Julia allowed

We continued chatting as we strolled the decks, picking up a few extra Euro's at the B de C before rejoining the drivers as they waited for the call to the vehicles. Being a Friday, we cleared the French authorities without a stop and our little convoy of purple and silver coaches joined the French motorway system. Grabbing the mike, I took my place at the front of the coach.

"Everyone okay?" a few murmurs came back

"I hope everyone has put their watches forward, from now until next Saturday we will be using European time. We will head north to Belgium and then across to Germany and our overnight stop in the Westerwald. Den, our driver here will be stopping periodically for the usual facilities and I'll be around for drinks in about ten minutes. Sit back and enjoy the trip"

For anyone who's done this trip you'll know that the drive across Belgium is pretty monotonous so after another poorly supported drinks round as we passed Dunkirk, I settled down with my book. The next time I looked we were just leaving the Brussels Ring and our first twenty-minute stop was about ten minutes away. Somewhere along the way our colleagues had gotten in front of us and we pulled in beside them as their passengers crossed to the services.

"Phew!" Mand sighed, "I've hardly sat down since Calais"

"I've done two rounds too" Julia mentioned

"Looks like I've got a week with the glums" I told them

"Poor Chris" Mand commiserated

"Anyone want to swap" I joked

"Okay" Julia agreed

"What?" I was a little surprised

"Tell you what, I'll swap with you as far as the next stop, just to get you off that pretty butt" Julia explained

"Why don't we all swap?" Mand suggested

"Erm, I'm not sure we should" I hesitated

"Hey Den," Julia called to where the smokers were puffing away, "you mind if Chris and I swap? Just to the next comfort."

"Fine by me" he replied, as senior driver what he says goes.

So that's what we did. It was soon evident that Mand's suggestion on the boat might have some mileage. In the end I got Julia's coach, Mandy got Den and Julia travelled on Steve's motor. Now don't get me wrong, there was no hostility or anything like that from the passengers, but they acted nothing like I'd been led to believe. In fact they were like clones of my own passengers and although the drinks round was pretty full there was none of the holiday atmosphere.

We pulled into Aachen services for our meal stop and once the customers were off the three drivers and us hosts went to eat.

"So?" Mand asked

"Julia's coach was as bad as mine except they drink more"

"Yours were okay Mand, what about Chris's?"

"Seemed okay to me, a bit noisy but just about everyone was buying"

"Look's like you girls were right, they just don't take to me the same as you" I observed, "must be my sparkling personality"

"Talk rot" Mandy stated, "you're great and all the drivers think you're good at the job, right fellas?"

"As good as anyone else" Rob confirmed

We finished eating and returned to our own coaches, we each stop tonight in a different hotel but we meet up at the first stop mid morning.

"See you in the morning" I told them

"Yeah take care Chris" Mandy mentioned

"You too" I returned

It was knocking on eight o'clock as we pulled up at the 'Adler', our overnight accommodation. After sorting out the room keys, I helped Den unload the cases and grabbing my case headed to get a shower before our planned stop in the bar for a beer.

Once in my room, I stripped off and opened my bag to get my toiletries. Hang on this isn't my bag! I had a quick look and realised that I had Julia's case, how the? Well it's not the end of the world, we can swap over in the morning, and I'll just have to use the complimentary wash gear.

Brrng, brrng! Brrng, brrng!

I got to the phone and found Julia at the other end.

"Chris, have you got my bag?"

"I hope you've got mine" I mentioned, "yep I've got yours here"

"Thank god, I thought I'd lost it. How did I end up with yours?"

"No idea" I told her

"Ah well, we'll swap in the morning at Ulm, good job I carry a spare pair of pants in my handbag eh?"

"I'll have to go commando"

"Ugh gross! You could borrow some of mine if you want"

"Er thanks for the offer, I'll probably borrow some from Den" I mentioned

"Well the offers there, anyway have to go someone's at the door, see you tomorrow"

"Yeah bye Julia"

The second day of Tirolean Splendour, Tour 1138, started off as I hoped the week would continue, dry and bright. After a buffet breakfast at the Adler we made our way out to the autobahn and resumed our journey south. My passengers seemed to have loosened up a bit but I still sensed a sort of tension in the air. You know, nothing you can put a finger on but it's there just the same? we drove past Frankfurt airport then across towards Ulm, reaching our rendezvous for elevenses only minutes apart.

"Morning Den, morning Chris" Julia greeted us lugging my case over.

"Hi Julia, sorry about the case"

"No problem Chris"

Den pulled Julia's case out of the crew compartment and replaced it with the one she had.

"Thanks" she mentioned as I carried her case over to where Rob waited to load it on.

"We going for coffee?"

"Yeah Mand's already gone to get it, we'll meet inside"

We waited for Den and Rob then walked across to the cafeteria where Steve and Mandy had just grabbed a table with our drinks. The drivers drank up quickly and headed outside for a fag.

"So?" Julia asked

"They're still a miserable lot" I stated

"Us girls had a chat last night after I spoke to you" Julia went on

"What about as if I can't guess"

"We were not talking about men! Well perhaps sort of" Mandy told me

"Okay, I've bitten. What did you talk about?"

"Well about you and your passengers" Julia started

"We've got an idea" Mandy enthused

"About what?"

"About how to get your 'interface' more compatible" she continued

"Go on" I rolled my eyes. Last time I listened to them I ended up dressed as Santa on the Christmas tour! All week!

"Well what if Christopher was taken ill and Christine took over?" Mandy suggested

"What are you on about" I wasn't getting something here.

"What Mand is trying to say is that we reckon you could pretend to be a girl this week to see if the punters treat you any different" Julia explained

"You've got to be kidding!" I exclaimed

"No seriously Chris, we've worked out how we do it and we're pretty sure you can do it" Mandy filled in

"No way!"

In truth the very idea was producing conflicting messages in my head, one bit of me was yelling' not in a million years' and another part was wondering what it would be like! I'm hardly what you would call handsome, just sort of a non-event but no way could I look female!

"Oh come on Chris, it'll be fun!" Julia suggested

"Just supposing I said yes, what's the plan and what about Den?" I queried

"Den's okay, I already spoke to him this morning." Julia informed me, "in fact he's well up for it"

I rolled my eyes again.

"Anyway, you go down with food poisoning between here and where we split. Then you come with Rob and me to Lake Garda where I'll transform you into Christine. Den's not due out tomorrow so you can catch the train and join the coach at the hotel as Chris's replacement." Julia finished

"It'd never work!" I stated

"Why not?" Mand asked

"Well I'd never be convincing" I threw at them

"Leave that to me, by the time you get to Seefeld no one will know you're not a girl" Julia mentioned

"Think about it Chris, it'll be fun!" Mandy enthused

"Okay I'll think about it, I'll ring you before the lunch stop." Why was I even thinking about doing it? One look at my passengers as they returned to the coach answered that one.

"You okay with Julia's plan Den?" I asked as we hit the road again

"Well, we don't need to tell the office do we? I fancy pulling the wool over this lots eye's, it's like driving a hearse all day!"

"I'll take that as a yes"

"Yep"

Ah well in for a penny! I picked up the company mobile and dialled Rob's coach.

"Julia?...Chris...okay, against my better judgement I'll give it a throw...sure...okay, see you in a couple of hours"

"Looks like I'm leaving you at the services Den" I mentioned

I did my drinks round, I was quite 'ill' and had to keep rushing to the toilet which at least made the passengers a bit more attentive.

"Are you all right luv" one of the biddy's asked after the latest visit.

"I think I've eaten something bad, I might have to fly home" I sowed the rumour seeds thickly.

Within minutes when I paid my next 'visit', most of the passengers were whispering about my imminent demise. So after a (faked) call to the office they were unsurprised but sympathetic when I told them I was leaving them to return home and that my replacement would join them tomorrow. It was more than a little embarrassing when I got ten pounds in tips when I left the coach to 'return home'!

As part of the cover, I got to spend the ride down to Lake Garda occupying the unused back row of seats. Julia made a few 'worried' trips up to the back during which we chatted quietly. I was amazed how the punters reacted to her as she made her way back and forth. That was lesson number one - watch how Julia navigates the aisle!

We arrived at the hotel early evening and as I didn't have a room, I was 'sharing' with Rob, or rather I wasn't! Being supposedly ill with food poisoning I had to miss dinner, instead I was bathing and having a shave so that I'd be ready to start my 'makeover' when Julia returned.

Maddy Bell 17.01.04  © 2004

Hostess With The Mostest
Part 2
Maddy Bell

"When I said shave I meant your arms and legs" Julia sighed

"Sorry, when you said shave I never thought" I replied

"Never mind Chris, come on I'll help, it won't take long"

Three quarters of an hour later I felt like a plucked chicken! Not only was I pretty much devoid of body hair in the obvious places, Julia shaved my pits and insisted I trim my 'bikini' area!

"That's better Chrissy, we need to get you sorted out tonight, we won't have much time in the morning, Rob will pop you along to the railway station, the train to Bolzano leaves at nine thirty."

"Remind me why I'm doing this?" I asked as Julia massaged some foul smelling gunk into my hair.

"Because you are as curious as the rest of us"

"I guess, what is that stuff?"

"Hair dye" she stated

"What!" I made to get up but Julia thrust me back into the chair

"Look Chris, you can't rejoin your passengers looking too much like you can you?"

"I guess not" I allowed

"We can dye it back next week okay" she soothed

"I s'pose so"

"Let's tidy your brows up a bit while that's working"

"I'm starving, I haven't eaten since lunch" I told her

"Oops! I forgot. Hang on, I'll order a pizza, bolognese okay?"

"Anything"

Julia slipped out of the room, returning after about five minutes.

"Be about fifteen minutes Chris, they'll bring it up for us"

"Thanks"

"Now then where were we?"

She descended on me with her tweezers and set about 'tidying' my wayward eyebrows. Fifteen minutes and a sore face later there was a knock on the door.

"That'll be the pizza" Julia stated

I guessed that much! Being used to the deep pan pizzas at home, this real Italian version was a bit of a let down but beggars can't be choosers. Julia joined me and produced a couple of bottles of 'Nasturo' to wash it down, I certainly felt better afterwards.

"How long does this dye have to be on?" I queried as Julia tidied the remains of our meal away.

"Oh bugger!" she exclaimed, "it's only supposed to be on for about twenty five minutes. Quick, into the bathroom we need to wash it out"

I needed no second prompt

"Hmm!" Julia mused, "well no one will recognise you now that's for sure"

I could only stare at my now white blonde hair. Don't get me wrong, I don't get paranoid over my barnet like some blokes I know and I do tend to wear it pretty long I suppose but the blonde in the mirror... well looks very girly.

"Come on Chris, sit down and I'll trim it a bit"

Too stunned to do otherwise I let her lead me back into the main room to continue with my transformation.

It was after one when I crept into Rob's room and climbed into the spare bed. It did nothing to dent his reputation when a young blonde was seen scampering out again before breakfast Monday morning!

"Morning Chrissie"

"Hi Julia, let's get on with this"

Julia had sorted out a set of clothing for me to travel in and between Mandy and herself had assembled a Global uniform for me to use. The plan was that when I get to Innsbruck after lunch I acquire a bit luggage, underwear in particular! Whilst I wasn't too keen on being thrust headlong into this, I've gone too far now to back out.

I donned Julia's control briefs and one of her padded bras which gave me a bit of a figure with the help of half a box of tissues. A knee length denim skirt donated by Mandy and a cropped t-shirt from the same source finished me off. I slipped my own walking sandals on, my now painted toe nails poking out for all to see, took the attention away from the men's styling.

"You'll do Chris, just remember what I've told you and you'll be fine"

"I hope so" I mumbled

"Come on, we've got time to grab a quick bit of breakfast before you go for your train."

Half an hour later Julia and I got off of Rob's coach outside Riva Del Garda railway station with a small-wheeled holdall and a distinct case of the jitters.

"Ring me when you get there Chris, we're only taking the punters on a boat ride after lunch so we'll be back about five"

"I don't know how I let you talk me into this" I told her

"Just think of it as an experiment in human psychology"

"Whatever"

"Come on that's your train just coming in"

I was the only customer in the ticket office so luckily I was served quickly and with a final hug from Julia I boarded the northbound train. The day was hot and I was soon glad of the somewhat revealing top I was wearing as the carriage had very little air circulating. At Bozen I had to change trains and took the opportunity to get a drink. With only fifteen minutes until my connection, the walk into the town was out so I found a bit of shade on the platform to wait.

The Munich bound train arrived ten minutes late and I secured a window seat; at least I could look at the scenery! This second train was a lot busier than the first but no one gave me more than a quick look, particularly after a woman joined me on the forward facing seats. Over the Brenner Pass and into Austria, within the hour I was deposited in the building site that was currently Innsbruck railway station.

So far so good! I found the left luggage lockers and deposited my bag and then projecting more confidence than I felt I set out to do some essential shopping! Julia had supplied me with a mini rucksack to keep my 'bits' as she called them in and I noted that here in Austria I fit right in with my current attire.

From a previous visit I remembered the location of a department store, I should be able to get everything I need for the week in there quite anonymously! Then it struck me! It's Sunday and unlike the UK nearly all the shops are actually shut, shit! Well I might as well walk up into the town anyway and a few minutes later a very relieved Chris joined the crowds in the main shopping thoroughfare. Thank heaven for local Saint's days! There was a bit of a festival going on and luckily most of the stores were taking advantage of the opportunity and were open for the afternoon.

In my job a good grounding in foreign languages is pretty useful, I can get by in French and Italian but I actually got an A level in German and I've picked up more on the job. However shopping for ladies underwear and clothing turned out to be a bit trickier than I thought. Not really having much idea on sizing I had to make an educated guess after reading a few packages. Julia had made a suggestion of what I would need and I was soon carting round a basket with various strumpfhose, bustenhalters and briefs inside.

Julia had suggested that for outerwear I should find stuff that I would be comfortable in and so I ran the gauntlet of the ladies wear department. How the hell do women decide what to buy? I walked around for a few minutes then spotting a mannequin wearing an outfit that I liked, I used that as a guide for my purchases. I left the store some two hundred Euros poorer but with a basic girls wardrobe for the week.

It was only when I passed a shoe shop that I realised that I'd forgotten something, shoes! Of course, I was wearing my own sandals because Julia's feet are two sizes smaller than mine are. I turned around and went into the shoe shop. Julia had suggested I stick to low heels or flats, and I was only too happy to concur. As a guy I can usually pick out my footwear pretty quick, I mean there's not exactly a lot of choice is there? Chrissy on the other hand was presented with hundreds of pairs to choose from!

After a quick look round, I'd dismissed over half of the schuh on offer as being unsuitable for various reasons and identified a few pairs that looked okay from a guys point of view. The place was self serve so I pulled a few boxes out to try. Now I can see why women take so long buying shoes! Eventually I left with a pair of women's walking sandals, a pair of strappy sandals with a low heel and just because I took a shine to them, a pair of very fashionable kitten heeled slingbacks!

I made my way wearily back to the Bahnhof where I retrieved my bag and made my way to the platform for the train up to Seefeld. As luck would have it, the train was just about to depart, with some assistance from the guard I got on and collapsed into a seat. I managed to sort of pack my purchases into the case as the train circled the town before starting the climb out of the Inn valley. Remember the end of Von Ryan's Express? Well this is where it was filmed. In and out of the tunnels and seemingly endlessly upwards we went, glances down into the valley below revealing the now toy town river and motorway. Eventually the line levelled out and we made the last stretch into Seefeld, my destination.

So far today I had had to have little in the way of conversation with anyone; soon I was going to have to convince a busload of people that I was a girl. I got an icy feeling in the pit of my stomach at the thought. I didn't think much of it when the smiling conductor helped off the train.

"Wiedersehn!"

"Danke, teuss!" I replied automatically

As I walked across to the exit I realised I was under scrutiny, several railwaymen were closely watching my progress, their friendly 'abend' as I passed did little to disguise their lustful gaze. I did not feel comfortable! I tugged my little case behind me as I made my way down to the square then out towards the lake where Global always stay. It was only after the third person had bid me good day that I realised that as a bloke no one usually spoke to me, now everyone was smiling and friendly. Maybe the girls really do have something?

I spotted Den sat outside the See Hotel nursing a beer.

"Den! Am I glad to see you"

He jerked round to see who was addressing him, seeing me he retained a puzzled expression.

"It's me, Chris" I hissed

"Flipping heck, I didn't recognise you at all"

"That was the idea" I reminded him

"Well if I didn't know I wouldn't guess" he told me

"Let's hope no one else does" I mentioned

"Best get you installed, I told Ingrid that you'd be here this afternoon and what you were doing but I never thought you'd be so convincing. Come on"

Den grabbed my bag and I followed meekly behind as he led the way into the hotel reception.

"Ingrid, it seems there has been a change of plan and Chris bottled out" what was Den up to?

"Such a shame Den, I was sure we'd have some fun"

"Well apparently head office couldn't get anyone out here before tomorrow so they arranged for young Nena here to fill in, she usually works for Luftner*"

I did my best to conceal my surprise at this unexpected turn of events. Now I'm not Chris in disguise I'm Nena a real girl!

"Hi Nena, I'm Ingrid, if you need anything let me know. And watch out for Den here, he thinks he's a regular stud" she smiled and winked as she said the last.

"Don't believe her Nena, I'm happily married"

I just nodded and smiled

"Den will take you to your room" Ingrid advised passing me the key

"Thank you" I put a slight inflection on to my reply

"See you later Nena"

"What's with the 'Nena' business Den?" I asked once we were out of earshot

"Sorry Chris I got carried away"

"Hmmpf," I mentioned, "but why Nena and why am I now Austrian and working for another company?"

"You just look so, I don't know, German, Austrian?"

"It's done now but no more surprises please" I implored

"Here's your room, see you in the bar about seven?"

"Okay"

"See you later then" with that Den left and I closed my door.

What have I got myself into? I dumped my bag and collapsed on the bed, I lay there for a few minutes mulling over the situation then spotting that it was nearly five I remembered Julia, must ring Julia! I recovered my mobile and hit the speed dial.

"Chris, I was getting worried about you!" she stated when she answered

"It's Nena now, I've not been here long"

"Nena?"

"It's a long story," I warned

"Well I'm not in a rush, spill!" she enthused.

So over the next fifteen minutes I relived the day's events, Julia occasionally making comments and when I got to the shopping bit made me describe all my purchases.

"And Den just came out with it?"

"Yep. So now I'm stuck as Nena, I can hardly be Chris with the passengers and Nena with the hotel can I?"

"I guess not"

"Well I best get off this phone, I need to shower and stuff before dinner"

"What are you going to wear?" Julia asked

"What I've had on today, maybe a different top"

"No way girl! You need to dress up a bit, make a good impression. Let's see now, you said the slash neck top was black yeah?"

"Er yeah"

"Well wear that with the layered skirt and your slingbacks, you'd best wear some tights too. Do your make up like I showed you last night with the dark pink lipstick and did you get some body spray?"

"Yeah it's got a sort of almondy smell"

"Whatever, use it but don't drown yourself in it. I'll call you later okay, see how it goes"

"Thanks Julia"

"Later ciao"

"Teuss" I put the phone down and started my preparations.

"There you are Nena, what are you drinking?" Den greeted me when I eventually arrived in the bar about ten past seven. My usual 'groáŸe bier' was out and even a small beer might be pushing my luck.

"White wine please"

"You look very nice, you settled in okay?" he asked

"As well as I can" I whispered, "these clothes take a bit of getting used to and as for these, " I indicated my nylon clad foot with the slingback on, "just don't get any ideas that they're comfortable!"

My wine arrived and the pair of us sat at one of the tables out of the way.

"I have to say Chris"

"Nena no thanks to you!" I hissed

"Sorry, Nena you wash up into a good looking woman" Den finished

"I think that's a compliment" I mentioned

"We'll get the punters before dinner, we need to sort out the excursions and introduce you."

"You'd better tell them that I'm German then, they might get a bit suspicious if I'm supposed to be Austrian and I don't know basic local stuff"

"Okay, where from then, we best make it convincing"

"How about Trier, I know the place pretty well, I doubt if any of this lot have been for more than a quick day trip"

"That's settled then, as I only just met you I can't tell anyone more than that can I?"

"Okay, looks like they're starting to arrive for dinner" I observed

Den waved to an older couple who had spotted us in the bar, the gossip was bound to start now! We waited until all the passengers were seated in the restaurant before the pair of us made our way in, me at Den's elbow instead of doing this myself.

"Ladies, gentlemen, can I have a minute before you eat"

The general hubbub decreased until Den had everybody's attention. Just the waitress's taking drink orders disturbed the peace.

"Thank you, I won't delay your meal long. We've managed to get a replacement for poor Chris, Nena here has stepped into the breach at exceedingly short notice. She won't mind me telling you she's German; from up on the Mosel so her English is not perfect but looking as pretty as she does I'm sure that won't be a problem. I'm sure you'll all join me in welcoming her to our party"

There was a short round of polite applause led by Den and I blushed to my bleached roots!

"I'll pass you over to her and she'll tell you what's happening, Nena" he motioned for me to take over.

Damn, he's done it to me again! I was really having to think on my feet today! I moved to where everyone could see me better.

"Hello everyone, my name is Nena Ziegler" it was the first surname I could think of, "and I am glad to be, erm, your host?" I looked to Den for confirmation, playing my rá´le up a bit. "You will have to forgive my English but I will try to help well. After you eat, Den and me will be taking list? For the optional day trips in the Stube." I referred to my list although I knew the set up by heart. "On Tuesday the trip is to the Krimml Falls and Mayrhofen for twenty Euro each, Mittwoch, sorry wed nes day you can go to the Silvretta Pass which is twenty five Euro."

I checked the sheet again before continuing.

"Thursday we offer you the Castle Tratzberg and the town of Rattenburg, it is thirty five Euro which includes the castle entrance. If you wish for to go, you can book after you eat. Tomorrow we will leave at nine fifteen. Thank you and gute essen" I finished

"Thanks Nena, we'll let you get on with your food" Den concluded our little presentation.

We made our exit, and Den led me through to the public dining room where we would eat this week, at least we'd get to eat in peace!

"That wasn't so bad" Den mentioned

"You should have been in my shoes" I stated

"I bet they're all talking about the pretty German hostess right now"

"What a comforting thought" I mused

"Come on Chr.. er Nena. You volunteered to do this and so far I reckon you've made a favourable impression" he told me

"If you say so"

"There you are" Ingrid greeted us, "you ready to eat?"

"You know me Ingrid" Den quipped

"He never stops eating!" she told me in a stage whisper before hurrying off to fetch our food.

"I can't believe Ingrid hasn't spotted it's me, I was only here with you three weeks ago"

"Well if she knows she's not saying anything, but I don't think she knows"

Just then one of the waitresses brought our soup in and our attention turned to eating. Julia had told me to be careful eating, take smaller bites, don't eat too much and don't play with the food. Not that I do usually, it's never on the plate long enough! Oh yeah and eat much slower.

Although the food at the See Hotel isn't haute cuisine, it's not transport café either! Tonight we had cream of cauliflower soup followed by schnitzel with mash and two veg. The sweet that followed was a choice of ice cream or fruit salad which Den and I followed with coffee as usual. It was novel for me to be served first all the time and I think a bit galling for Den, if he'd been sat with Chris, the driver always gets served first!

We finished our coffees and made our way into the Stube to set up for the business of selling day trips. On this holiday with six days in resort there were two included trips on Monday and Friday sandwiching the optionals, Sunday was always free so that the driver had the hours to do the rest of the trip.

I set up excursion central while Den got more alcohol for us.

"I think you should be in charge Den, I'm supposed to be new to the set up, someone might get suspicious if I'm too good tonight."

"Okay, but I'll pass questions over to you" he agreed

"Fair enough. Ot oh, here come the first lot"

It was the old couple that Den had waved to earlier.

"Evening Mr Stubbings, Mrs Stubbings" Den started, "what can we interest you in?"

"The waterfall and the castle please" Mrs Stubbings supplied

Den found them on the passenger list and noted their booking.

"That's ninety Euros then" he told them, my lovely helper will relieve you of the cash"

Mrs Stubbings presented me with a one hundred Euro note for which I found the change.

"There you are Mrs Stubbings, ten Euro, I hope you enjoy the excursions"

"Thank you dear, that's a pretty outfit, you'll have to get Den to take you out later to show it off"

"I might just do that" Den told us

"Good night Nena" Mrs S finished

"Good night" I replied rolling my eyes at Den.

Our next customers arrived ten minutes later and for the next hour we were constantly explaining, describing and passing pleasantries.

"That's everyone, you want to go for a nightcap?" Den offered

"Okay, I'll just get Ingrid to put this money in the safe, meet me in reception?"

"Ten minutes then"

I collected my bag and the cash box and went through to reception where I found Ingrid doing some paperwork. She greeted me in German. (Authors note: I have translated so you follow the plot!)

"Ah Nena, you have finished you're booking?"

"Eventually"

"The trips are all going?"

"Yes, Wednesday is a bit light but there are enough"

"Good, do you want the safe?"

"Please, there are several thousand Euro in here" I proffered the box which Ingrid took to put away. Returning she took up the conversation.

"Is Den taking you for a drink?"

"Yes, he'll be here shortly"

"He's a good man, a bit of a joker but harmless. You will be alright with him."

"You know this Chris, the one who is ill?" well I was making conversation!

"Yes, a nice boy but a bit quiet"

"What are you two talking about? Me I suppose eh?" Den arrived now wearing a jumper

Reverting to English Ingrid answered him.

"Of course about you, Nena was just asking how safe she was" she joked, "I told her she needs a chastity!"

"I'm hurt" Den exclaimed, "come on Nena before she corrupts you more" he led the way out

"Night Ingrid"

"Bye Nena"

We walked in silence for a couple of minutes towards the town centre and the bars.

"Well?" Den finally asked

"Well what?"

"Did Ingrid know it's you?"

"Well if she does, she's playing it close to her chest. She didn't give any indication of knowing"

"If anyone would spot you it would be Ingrid, she's got a soft spot for you you know"

"Now you tell me!"

I was feeling pretty comfortable until a sudden cool breeze blowing from an alleyway reminded me how I was dressed. Somehow I've managed to spend a whole day dressed as a girl without anyone guessing the truth. This is truly too weird! At the bar I grabbed a table while Den went to get our drinks, finally I get a beer, alcohol free but still just about beer! My phone went off and after locating the source of the ringing in the mini rucksack I eventually answered.

"Hi Julia"

"Hi Chris, how's it going and what's all that noise?"

"The noise is a group of students, me and Den are having a drink in the village and it's going okay so far"

"How're the punters treating you?" she pressed

"Okay I guess, they've been more talkative I suppose, especially the women"

"Who's that?" Den asked

"Julia" I mouthed

"Let me have a word" I passed him the phone

"Hi Julia, she's doing alright this girl of yours.... I said I would... very nice, she's getting a lot of attention in here... of course not... okay, here she is" he passed the phone back to me.

"What was all that about?" I asked

"Just making sure he's looking out for you"

"I can look out for myself!" I told her

"If you say so Nena " she emphasised.

* Luftner are a Tirolean coach operator running mostly tourist day trips

Maddy Bell 17.01.04  © 2004

Hostess With The Mostest
Part 3
Maddy Bell

"I think I'm gonna head back, I'm whacked"

"Let me just finish this" Den motioned to his raised glass

"You don't have to come back"

"If you think I'm letting you walk around at night on your own" he said with some vehemence

Finally I got it. I'm a girl now and that meant certain obligations on both sides, having an escort at night was just the first that made itself felt!

Back in my room, I gratefully stripped myself of my feminine attire, the slingbacks first followed swiftly by my skirt, top then I peeled the tights off leaving me in bra and panties. I eventually worked out the bra then lastly the tight pants, boy that was a relief! I had been blissfully unaware of my constricted equipment for most of the day but now as the blood re-circulated the numbness was replaced by a dull ache. Figuring the morning was going to be hectic, I grabbed a shower and collapsed naked into bed.

Sleep wasn't coming easily; I lay thinking about the day's events. Had I really travelled from Garda dressed as a girl? And then gone shopping in Innsbruck? I must be mad! Well I suppose its not been too bad so far, people seem to want to interact with Chrissy, no I'm Nena now. I chortled to myself wasn't that German singer called Nena? What was that song again, oh yeah Ninety-Nine Red Balloons. I dropped off humming '99 luftballoons floating in the summer sky, 99 luftballoons passing by'.

Brrng, Brrng...Brrng, Brrng!

Urgh, I opened my eyes and glanced at the clock, seven o'clock! Already the sun was poking its head over the surrounding mountaintops although the town remained in shadow; it was going to be another hot day today. It came to me as I lay there that I was going to have to get ready and dress as 'Nena' on my own, bum. I realised I was jut putting it off by lying there so I heaved myself out of bed and hit the bathroom for my morning ablutions. It was more than a bit strange shaving what even without makeup looked a quite feminine face with the blonde hair and thinly arching eyebrows.

Julia had suggested that I dress before attempting any makeup so, returning to the main room I selected the day's underwear. I carefully tucked my equipment into the flesh coloured control panties; I inspected myself in the mirror, no unladylike bulges, so far so good! Another padded bra, one of yesterday's purchases, provided me with a pleasant shape after adding copious quantities of tissue.

Now what? I surveyed my 'wardrobe', I tried to picture how the girls dress whilst on tour and compared my mental pictures with what I had to go with. I settled on a lemon cap sleeved t-shirt and a khaki skort, satisfied that I looked quite smart I realised that the last hurdle was makeup. Julia advised that less is more so that's what I went for. After three attempts I was satisfied that I didn't look like a clown and would pass muster. On impulse I slipped the strappy sandals onto my bare feet, the low heel just tilting my balance forward a bit. Looking in the mirror I saw a pleasant young woman looking back, it had taken me over an hour but I had done it! Damn, we're leaving in twenty minutes!

I grabbed my bag, checked the contents and headed to the restaurant for a quick breakfast. A coffee and a chocolate croissant later I joined Den out at the coach.

"I was just about to come looking for you"

"And good morning to you too!"

"Morning er Nena, you look good again this morning"

"That's why I'm so late, I've been up for nearly two hours!" I told him

"You ready for this?"

"As much as I ever will be," I admitted

"Let's go round then"

We got onto the coach and drove around to the front of the hotel where our trippers were patiently waiting.

"Guten morgen everyone" I greeted each and everyone as they all filed onboard for our excursion to the á–tztal. After a quick head count I signalled Den to set off and my first day as a female tour host has started! We turned onto the Telfs and I started my usual morning routine of a walk up the coach to check that everything was okay with everyone. As myself, that's Chris, this bit of PR has been known to stretch to oh, maybe ten minutes. This morning however everybody wanted to talk to me, not problems, but just conversation for the sake of it! 'How are you, that's a nice top Nena' - well you get the drift. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with it, I just wasn't expecting it. In fact we had left the mountain and were heading up the Inn valley before I got back to my seat.

"Everything okay?" Den asked

"Yes, no problems," with passengers just behind us I needed to watch what I said, "you want a drink?"

"The usual please"

"Which is?" I covered his slip

"Oh sorry Nena, coffee, white one sugar"

I started a drinks round and managed to get everyone served before we turned into the á–tztal. I wish I had put on the flat sandals though, even these low heels presented a challenge in navigating a swaying coach aisle! I was more than happy to sit down and enjoy the ride up the switchbacks and through the meadows to the valley's capital Solden. It's not much of place and the stop here was primarily to give the punters an option for a cable car ride. We pulled up at the Geislacherbahn next to a couple of other buses both from Germany.

I assumed the host position as Den opened the door to the already impressive heat.

"We have here one hour and a half," I was playing up the German accent and falling into a German language mindset even though I was speaking English. "There is the cable car here which takes you to Geislacher Kogel which is over drei tausand, sorry three thousand metres. Also there is the Gletscher bus which will take you up to the icefield. There are coffee shops in the willage if you prefer. We will leave at eleven thirty, have a nice visit." I clicked the microphone off and carefully stepped down from the air-conditioned splendour of the Setra into the dry heat of Solden.

My 'clients' trooped off the bus, some stopping for directions, but all giving me a smile. Finally it was just Den and me left at the coach.

"Well it seems to be going okay so far" Den mentioned

"I guess, I wish I'd brought my other sandals, it's a nightmare trying to walk up the coach in these"

"Well take them off then, most of the girls go barefoot on the bus"

"I never thought of that, so what are we doing?"

"If we're quick we can catch the glacier bus, we can get a drink up the top"

"Okay, let me get my bag"

A couple of minutes later we joined the small crowd waiting to board the bus up to the glaciers. There were just a couple of Global passengers; the rest were from the German buses. Once on board, Den and I found a couple of seats near the back and settled down for our busman's holiday.

"Haven't you got any sunglasses?" Den asked from behind his Bollé's

"Only my usuals, they're hardly something a girl would wear" I pulled them out to emphasise my point.

"Well they'll have to do for now, you'll need to wear something up the top, the sun really reflects off the snow and ice"

"I guess you're right, I'll have to get some more suitable shades later"

The bus cranked its way out of the village, negotiating the switchbacks with practised ease. It really was beautiful up here, the bright green of the meadows in stark counterpoint to the dark rock and bright snow still spotting the high peaks. Then there it was, the icefield and anyone not already be-glassed quickly was, the glare was impossible! The bus followed the markers across the ice and eventually pulled up at the little hut that served as terminus, café and souvenir shop.

"Zwanzig minuten, twenty minutes" the driver stated as his cargo spilled from the bus

"Coffee?" Den queried

"Yes please" I mentioned as I carefully made my way across the frozen surface to the cabin. These sandals were not a good idea today! I made it to a table and sat down. Wow this is something else, the clean alpine air, periwinkle sky, the smell of fresh coffee, I totally forgot how I was dressed and just sat back with the sun on my face. Even up here on the ice it must have been knocking on thirty degrees!

"Here you go" Den stated

"Cheers, this is beautiful huh?"

"Inspiring"

We sat and drank our coffees then I checked the time.

"I want a quick look in the shop, coming?"

"No, I'll just have a wander round" Den told me

I joined the few customers in the shop and inspected the various souvenirs on offer, your usual cards, books and trinkets. For some reason I was drawn to a display of neckerchiefs, popular with the German ladies, but not really with anyone else. On impulse I selected a pale green scarf decorated with edelweiss and closed with a Tirol 'heart' toggle. Before I got to the counter I'd also got a walking pole in my hand.

"Nena!"

I didn't connect the name with me.

"Nena, the bus is ready to leave" it was Den

"Urgh, I won't be a minute, tell him I'll be straight out"

"Okay, I'll try to delay him"

When I finally got to bus the driver looked in no particular hurry, Den hopped down to 'help' me up the step. The driver just smiled and shook his head as I climbed on and I heard him say "Damen" in that universal male put down tone. The episode was pretty embarrassing and I realised that I often acted the same way as Chris.

The drive back down to Solden was a fair bit quicker but no less spectacular and we spilled out of the bus just five minutes before we were due to leave. Den opened the coach up and set the air con going so that by the time everyone was on board we were only five minutes late and the bus was returning to a comfortable twenty degrees.

"Everyone enjoy themselves?" I asked taking the mike up again

A chorus of approving noises and smiling faces answered me.

"We have a short drive now, just twenty five kilometres to Umhausen where we will have lunch and have a visit to á–tzi Dorf and for those of you who wish a walk to Stuibenfá¤lle, the high waterfall of the Tirol."

Taking Den's advice I slipped off my sandals and did my bus walk barefoot, selling a few cold drinks on the way. We were negotiating the narrow road through Umhausen by the time I returned to the front of the bus.

"Okay?" Den asked

"It's certainly easier without these" I waved my footwear

"Better put them on, we'll be there in a mo"

I sat in my seat and slipped the strappy sandals back on my feet. Den parked in as much shade as he could find then it was back over to Nena!

"We will leave here at vier heure, sorry four o'clock, " I told my audience, "the visit to á–tzi Dorf is included in your holiday, the guided visit takes about forty five minutes and there is a café for food also. The Stuibenfá¤lle is a twenty-minute walk further on or you can join in the fun at the Badeseum - natural bathing lake of Umhausen. It is a short walk to the village, so if you wait for everyone we can all walk together."

Fifteen minutes later our charges were in the capable hands of Irene, one of the museum staff. If you don't yet realise what this is all about I'd best explain. Some years ago some hikers found a body high up in the á–tztaler Alps who was christened á–tzi. He apparently died several thousand years ago and is now in a museum in Bozen / Bolzano, á–tzi Dorf is the locals attempt to attract a few visitors with a living Neolithic 'á–tzi' age reconstructed village with all the crops and animals of the time in a realistic setting. Not everyone's cup of tea but most of our punters seem to enjoy it.

Den and I, having been around previously, hit the café, ordered some food and settled in for lunch as our passengers went off with Irene. Happy that we weren't going to be overheard, Den started the conversation.

"So what do you think so far Chris?"

"About what?"

"How're the punters treat you dummy?"

"Well I never noticed before but much as I hate to admit it, they do seem to interact better with me looking like this"

"They're certainly noisier!"

The arrival of our food interrupted the conversation and for the next few minutes we ate in silence.

Den took me by surprise when he spoke again.

"You know Chris, if I didn't know, I'd never guess you were a bloke"

How do you answer that?

"Oh come on Den!"

"Serious. Even the way you eat, I suppose if you know about these things you'd notice but most people are not looking for a bloke when they see you like that. They see what they want to see."

"I suppose you're right."

"I know so, no one is going to see you looking like that and go 'that's not a girl that's a bloke in drag!'" he stated

I flushed, not sure how I felt about this. I mean it's not like I'm in love with this whole idea, don't get me wrong if dressing up as a girl is your bag, that's fine by me but it's not my thing. I've somehow managed to pass but will I get through the week, will Nena be outed as Chris? I slipped that thought quietly away, unvoiced, to the back of my mind.

"You fancy going up to the falls?"

"Why not" I agreed, "toilet first though."

The ladies! Well at least here at the museum there's not a queue! I did my business then used the mirror to settle my new scarf in place, I was rather pleased with the result. I joined Den outside and we left for the short hike up to the falls.

The Stuibenfá¤lle looked picture postcard pretty.

The falls were fairly noisy and quite spectacular set in a background of dark pine and granite. I was more than a bit annoyed that I'd had to rely on Den to help me negotiate some of the steeper, rockier bits of trail in these stupid sandals! Lesson for the day - plan your footwear! At least my choice of skort and t-shirt has worked out okay.

We watched the water for a while then made our way back down to the car park. I got us some ice cream at the kiosk then joined Den sitting in the limited shade by the coach.

"You've caught the sun a bit, just look at your feet"

"What?" I looked at my feet; they looked okay, I decided to slip my shoes off anyhow. "Bum!"

"Told you"

I certainly have picked up some colour, the faint lines of the sandal straps can clearly be seen on my feet.

I made myself comfortable on the grass while Den went for a mosey round

"You look comfortable Nena" the voice snapped me back to consciousness.

"Oh hi Mr Stubbings" I replied sitting up, "you have a good visit?" my German accent was back!

"Lovely, the Mrs wasn't so keen but that girl, Irene, she really made it come alive like"

"You went to the falls also?"

"No lass, I'm not so good on my feet these days. We saw you and Den heading off?" he left the question hanging.

"Yes, we walked up, I not see before, they are very, how you say, nice"

"Ah here's the missus" Mrs Stubbings made her way over bearing ice cream for her husband.

"I was just saying to Nena, we don't walk much these days"

"I'm sure she doesn't want to hear about your legs" she mentioned

"I wasn't"

"He does go on sometimes me duck. He spent twenty minutes telling an Italian lady about his lumbago on Sunday"

"She was interested" he exclaimed

"Being polite more like"

"Nena, can you give me a hand" Den called over from beside the bus

"Excuse me" I asked the Stubbings

"That's alright luv"

She was still rattling on as I walked barefoot over to Den

"Thanks"

"It looked like you needed rescuing"

"Is that the time?"

"Yeah another fifteen minutes before the off"

"Coffee?"

"No a can of orange please"

I hopped inside, stowed my bag and sandals and went to fetch the cans. Of course as soon as the now congregating passengers saw the drinks, they all wanted one. By the time we were ready to leave, curiously five minutes late again, I'm sure it was that same pair of women, I had sold twenty-five cans of Pop! After a quick headcount, Den started us on the drive back to Seefeld.

"You gonna do the announcements on here or later?" Den queried as we headed back towards the Inn valley.

"Might as well do it now"

I got my paperwork together and checked the microphone.

"Hello everyone" the hubbub lowered to a more attentive level, "we hope you enjoyed today"

A variety of affirmative comments came down the saloon.

"Gut, tomorrow for those who have booked, we go to Krimml and Mayrhofen, departure time will be nine o'clock, it is a long day we will be arriving back in Seefeld about seven but I'm sure you will enjoy the day. Dinner tonight will be as normal at 6.30 but tomorrow it will be at 7.30. Thank you" I closed the mike and sat back into the courier seat.

The drive back was along the motorway; it seemed no time before we turned off for Telfs and the climb up to Seefeld. Back at the See Hotel, I made nice as the customers exited our transport and soon it was just me, Den and the Setra.

"I'll see you in the bar before dinner" I told my colleague

"Okay, see you later"

I walked into reception to get my key.

"Hi Nena, good day?" Ingrid asked in German

"The weather was good and we didn't lose anyone, if that's good it was good!" I joked

"Where is it tomorrow?"

"Krimml"

"You've been before?"

"Yes often," I adlibbed, "usually I go every week, maybe twice"

"Of course you are based at Kitzbá¼hel no?"

"Most of the season yes" I just hoped that she wouldn't push for too much detail.

"Sorry you must want to go get changed, we should talk again later"

"I should like that" how the hell do I get out of this? I took the proffered key and headed to my room. Hmmm, I've stayed here quite a few times and that's the longest conversation I've ever had with Ingrid, thinking about it she always uses English with Chris too. I shook my head; it can't be because she thinks I'm a girl can it? Most likely it's because she thinks I'm German and she's more comfortable in her native tongue.

I collapsed on my bed only to be disturbed moments later by my mobile, Julie!

"Hi Julie"

"Hi Chris, I mean Nena, I'll never get used to that name!"

"Well you've not exactly got to have you? I mean it's me that has to answer to it all week"

"Sorry," she apologised, "so how did it go today?"

"You want the short version or the book?"

"Book of course!"

"You asked for it. Well I got up a bit after seven..."

I droned on with little interruption for twenty minutes.

"...and then I had a chat with Ingrid before coming up here"

"So you got sandal foot?" Julia giggled down the phone at me

"Well not much, you can only just see"

"Wait till the morning girl!" she chortled

"And I suppose you never got caught" I countered

"Don't be daft, 'course I have but you're a bloke with girls tan lines on your feet"

"Bugger, I hadn't thought of that"

"Well you normally wear trainers anyway so no one will see"

"Until I go swimming or to the gym"

"You worry too much, no one looks at other peoples feet that closely"

"Whatever" I sighed

"So how were the punters?"

"Well I have to admit they were a lot more like yours today, in fact Den was sort of complaining about the noise on the coach"

"That sounds like Den, any whinger's?"

"I hadn't realised 'till just now but no. I usually have someone complaining about some imaginary fault by now"

"Damn!" Julie exclaimed, "have to go, Rob's banging on the door, we've got the bloody folk night tonight"

"Good luck" none of us particularly enjoy the torture that is a 'Heimat' night. And not only that but it usually ends up with host getting 'involved', deep joy!

"Talk to you tomorrow, where are you off to?"

"Krimml and Mayrhofen, you?"

"Venice, lovely smelly Venice"

"Have fun"

"And you, later"

"Teuss"

I put my phone down then realised that I was supposed to meet Den in half an hour, shit! Stripping down to my underwear I got myself a quick wash, a shower will have to wait, and then checked my clothing options for this evening. Even I know that no woman would wear the same outfit twice in a row so that cut my options somewhat! After some deliberation I settled on the outfit that provided the inspiration during my shopping trip, a baggy dark red jumper teamed with a calf length cotton skirt in cream with little red flowers all over and a mock slip peeking out the bottom. My slingbacks and some 'natural' tights completed my outfit. More makeup then a liberal dose of body spray and I was ready.

"Sorry!" I told Den putting my shoe on properly

He shook his head, "just like a woman, always late"

"I was talking to Julie"

"Gossiping, I know and you forgot the time am I wrong?"

"Er no" I admitted

"What are you drinking?"

"Just a coke for now please"

Den ordered my drink then turned back to me.

"You sure you've not done this before?"

"Course I'm sure"

"Well like I said earlier, I'd never guess. I mean you looked great today and you look pretty, what does my son say now? Oh yeah, you look pretty buff tonight"

I wish I could disable my blush button. I flushed crimson just as Ingrid walked up.

"What have you been saying Den, the poor girls embarrassed, one of your blue jokes eh?"

"I was just saying how nice she looks, honest" Den protested raising his hands in defence.

Ingrid looked me up and down.

"Well Nena, I have to say that outfit really suits you"

"Danke" I managed

Slipping into German, Ingrid went on, "you should come to Dino's Tanz Bar with me and the girls later, you can bring this lummox if you want. We'll have a great time, cheap drinks, plenty of totty," she winked at me, "dancing," she gave a little shimmy, "and definitely some snogging!" she finished.

"I don't know," I offered, "we have a long day tomorrow"

"Ach, you'll be fine"

I was clutching at straws now in an attempt to politely turn her down.

"I haven't brought anything suitable to wear"

"You look okay to me, to be honest most of us go in jeans, it's pretty casual. Meet us in reception at nine" she gave me a peck on the cheek, waved to 'the lummox' and disappeared into the kitchen.

"What was all that about?" Den asked

"She wants me to go out with her and the girls, you're invited too"

"I went out with Ingrid once a couple of seasons ago, never again!"

"Well I'm not going anyway" I told him

"I reckon you should, it'll be an experience you won't forget"

"No I won't forget it 'coz I'm not going" I insisted

Maddy Bell 17.01.04  © 2004

Hostess With The Mostest
Part 4
Maddy Bell

Well dinner was quite pleasant; tortellini on a cream sauce followed a thin vegetable soup and a sort of set summer fruit yoghurt provided desert. We chatted amiably during the meal then decamped to the Stube for a drink or three. After a couple of small beers I was starting to relax somewhat as Den and I continued talking.

"Ah! There she is girls! Come on Nena time to party!"

Ingrid grabbed my arm and dragged me out of my seat, leading me to the door

"Den! Den!" I pleaded

"You'd best take this Nena" Den waved 'my' bag in the air.

"I'll get you for this" I replied as in one fluid motion Ingrid propelled me out of the door, swung back to grab my bag and joined me and the girls outside.

"Here she is girls, Nena meet Maria, Trude, Sonja and Anna" Ingrid stated in German

"Hi Nena" Trude greeted.

"Hiya" Sonja agreed

"Er hi" I nervously replied, it looks like I was going on one of Ingrid's 'girls nights' whether I liked it or not, I was already being propelled out into the street much to the amusement of several of my passengers. The 'other' girls were all dressed comfortably, I was grateful that I wasn't the only one in a skirt. We walked up into the town then through the arch to where I could already hear the pulsing beat of the music in Dino's Tanz Bar.

I hesitated as we approached the door.

"Come on Nena, it'll be fun!" Ingrid mentioned

"I, er feel a little out of place"

Leaning close to my ear she went on,

"Don't worry Chris, I know, I'll make sure you're okay"

"B, but..." I started

"We'll talk later, now come on lets have some fun!" and I was dragged into the bar.

My body switched to auto pilot while my brain took a time out. If Ingrid knows, who else does? Has Den just been winding me up? Do all the punters know?

"There you two are, here" Anna thrust a drink at each of us before heading back to the bar, Ingrid led the way to a table in the back where the others were settling in.

"Nice jumper Nena" Sonja stated

"Er thanks" my semi engaged brain instructed my mouth

"Not many boys yet" Maria mentioned

"It's early yet, Michael and Jens said they'd be down later" a now returned Anna advised

"They work at the 'Krone'" Ingrid filled in for my benefit

I nervously sat and listened to the conversation, expecting any moment to be outed.

"It's okay Chris, the others don't know and I'm not telling" Ingrid whispered in my ear, I relaxed a bit but I still felt like a spare part. The conversation flowed around me, occasionally I was asked a direct question but the others took my quiet demeanour as shyness. We were on our second round of drinks before the DJ started up and a few people hit the dance floor including the other girls, I was 'encouraged' to join them by Trude and Maria. I've never been a great one on the dance floor but I relaxed enough to mimic the others movements, presenting some semblance of dancing.

More drinks, I've no idea what it was, some sort of cocktail thing, the two guys from the Krone joined us and I was sort of enjoying myself. It was more than a bit weird 'dancing' with my skirt flapping around my legs and doing my best not to trip in my admittedly low heels. My worst fear as you might guess was some guy hitting on me, given the chance I probably would. Working on the theory of safety in numbers, I developed a limpet like attraction to the rest of our party and the nearest a bloke got to me was Michael and Jens dancing 'with' me. Phew!

"Den was right" I groaned three hours later as we queued for bratwá¼rst in the town square

"What did he say?" Anna asked

"There you go girls," Jens said passing a 'sausage in a bun' to each of us. I laughed inwardly at the thought of Pratchett's 'CMOT Dibbler' character; well I was three sheets to the wind!

"He said it was an experience I'd never forget"

"But you had a good time eh?" Maria asked as we sat on the wall to eat

"Of course she did" Ingrid mentioned

The conversation moved away from me to the 'totty', mostly holidaymakers, whose company we'd spent the evening. Being heavy with alcohol, I concentrated on eating my wá¼rst and was surprised by the tugging on my arm.

"Come on Nena, time to go home" Ingrid instructed

"Er okay" I stumbled to my feet.

"Give me a hand Trude"

I had their assistance all the way back to the hotel and up to my room.

"Night Nena!"

"Night" I answered with a vague doorward wave.

I awoke what seemed like moments later to the insistent ringing of my alarm.

"Uuurgh!" was the total amount of conversation I could muster.

What a night! I finally crawled out of bed and realising I was still dressed, stripped and clambered into the shower. The sharp needles of water eventually returned me to some degree of consciousness and I wished it hadn't as a killer hangover kicked in!

What the hell happened to you?" Den asked an hour later as I joined him for breakfast.

I shot him a look that could have killed at twenty paces!

"As if you don't know, why didn't you help me out?"

"You looked like you wanted to go"

"And what did you tell Ingrid?"

"What do you mean?"

"She knows!" I hissed across the orange juice

"Well I didn't tell her" he replied, "what did she say?"

"Just that she knew"

"Well even with a hangover you look okay" he mentioned

"Hmmm."

I finished my breakfast and waited while Den had a second coffee before we went out to the bus. My, or rather Julia's, denim skirt felt good on my freshly shaved legs, another t shirt, this one in lavender completed today's outfit, I opted for the flat walking sandals after yesterday but the strappy pair were in my backpack. I was still feeling a bit rough as I greeted the passengers; I failed to see any indication that any of them knew I was anything but what I appear so I relaxed somewhat. After a quick check on numbers, we started off towards Innsbruck for our Mayrhofen and Krimml day.

"Guten morgen" I started once we were on the main road

"Morning" most of my charges replied

"Heavy night Nena?" one wag suggested which raised a few chortles at my expense.

What could I say?

I smiled and glibly replied "is it that clear? It was a good party"

This seemed to satisfy the inquisitive and brought smiles to most of the others faces too.

"We have a short drive to Yenback (Jenbach) where we will put you onto the Zillertal train to Mayrhofen. Den will meet us at the top where we have time for shopping and lunch before moving on to Krimml. Okay?" mumbled yes's came back.

"A car went straight into the restaurant last week apparently" Den noted as we made the corner at the bottom of the steepest part of the descent.

"Good job it was there, it's a long way down!" I mentioned as I started my walk up the bus. Much like yesterday, I was accosted with small talk by the punters, the weather, today's trip and my evening out were the popular topics this morning!

I eventually rejoined Den down the front as we passed Innsbruck, the short run down the valley past Schwaz only took thirty minutes and we threaded our way to the mainline terminus of the narrow gauge Zillertallerbahn. A sometimes benefit of being a courier is the number of free excursions I 'have' to go on. Leaving my passengers to follow on under Dens tutelage, I went into the ticket office to get the tickets, this train ride was included in their twenty Euro charge for the day.

"Please everyone, our train leaves in fifteen minutes from gleis, sorry platform three, so if you can make your way over, we will be in carriage five at the rear" I thought my 'accidental' use of German made me more plausible.

The punters dutifully trooped down the subway steps while I checked with Den.

"I'll head straight off, I'll meet you at the usual spot" Den stated

"Okay, I'll try not to lose anyone this time" I referred to a previous trip when as Chris I lost a passenger who got off the train at Zell am Ziller. We had the police out and I must admit to getting into a bit of a panic, luckily the old guy was still stood on the platform when the local Gendarmes got there.

The little Achensee steam train hooted as it arrived from its short trip down from the lake and our transport tooted a reply as it too arrived at the station.

"See you at the top Chris" Den mentioned as he returned to our bus.

"Later" I replied.

I quickly made my way over to the huddle of punters now watching our Dampflugzug chug into place. After a quick head count I managed to usher my charges onto the train and get the m settled.

"Please, your attention!" I mentioned, "we are going to the terminus, please do not leave the train before, Den has just told me a passenger got off early on the last trip and the poll its eye (polizei) had to rescue them! We don't want that do we?" the little anecdote caused a few chuckles.

We gave Den a wave as he passed us near Zell.

It's not a fast train, in fact they run buses to the same schedule for the little over 30km trip, but especially on steam journeys it's more enjoyable. Right on time the little wood burning locomotive started the 10.10 to Mayrhofen. The day was again turning warm so the carriage windows were down, resulting in occasional blasts of soot-laden smoke surprising the occupants.

I checked everyone was okay with a walk up the carriage and again had several conversations on the way. As myself, I rarely got more than a few words out of anyone and on this trip I generally ended up sat enjoying the view. Today however we were pulling into the terminus and I hadn't managed to sit down! I'm glad I put these sandals on.

After giving everyone a chance to use the toilets and get their photographs, I swung into host mode again. Ten minutes later we reached Mayrhofen's main street.

"We leave here at one o'clock, the coach," I looked across into the coach park," yes, the coach is just over there." I pointed to our transport. "The shopping and restaurants are mostly up that way, enjoy yourselves!"

After answering a couple of questions I walked round to where Den was already nursing a coffee at the snack bar.

"My feet are killing me" I moaned

"You've just been sat down for nearly an hour" Den replied, catching the girls attention he ordered a coffee for me.

"I wish, I was on my feet all the way up, everyone wanted to chat to 'Nena'"

"At least you look a bit chipper now"

"Well I must thank the aspirin for that. Which reminds me, Ingrid!"

"Look Chris, if she hasn't said anything to anyone else I don't suppose she will. What exactly did she say?"

"Danke," I mentioned as my drink arrived, I passed her the exact money. "Well like I said earlier, just that she knew and we would talk later"

"Well no point in worrying about it, this lot haven't cottoned on which is the main thing"

"I guess"

"Anyway, what happened last night? I didn't hear you get back"

"I think it was after two," I supplied, "there's not much to tell. Go to bar, drink, dance a bit, eat dodgy food on the way home, collapse into bed with clothes on. Just like a night out in Nottingham."

"Well I've never seen you looking as hung over as this morning before, how much did you drink?"

"You sound like my mother Den" I mentioned "well if you include what I had before I was kidnapped, three beers and five of what Sonja called a 'Ski Jump', some sort of local cocktail thingy"

"It's a wonder you could walk this morning"

"Tell me about it, we sitting here or going for a walk?"

"Walk" he agreed.

"I hope you all enjoyed your visit in Mayrhofen?"

"Lovely place"

"Nice shops"

"Bit expensive"

Well I think they enjoyed themselves!

Den was already manoeuvring the Setra out onto the road.

"This abend, sorry afternoon we go across the Gerlos Pass to the Krimml Wasserfá¤lle, sit back and enjoy the ride"

They all seemed happy enough as we tootled back down the valley to Zell where we turned onto the Gerlos road and started the ascent to pass. This bit of road always seems to take for ever although it's not much over 20k's to the top. It has become traditional that we stop at the dam near the top for a coffee break and today was no different. I brewed the drinks; everyone had something during the fifteen-minute stop. I just had time for a quick look in the kiosk and ended up buying another neck scarf, for my mum honest!

Back on the bus started the descent to the falls, the road down to the falls really is impressive, switchbacks and at one point a full 360 ° loop! We joined the twenty or so other coaches in the coach park; this place is always busy!

"Hello! Before we get off I need to advise you? Please be very careful the path is very, how do you say, bumpy. Also only use the underpass to cross the road. The entry to the falls is five uro; you can see the lower falls for free though. There are special taxi's to the top for anyone not wanting to walk, price is about ten uro. We are here for one hour thirty, we leave at three p.m."

Having been several times before, I decided to read for a while, Den wanted to wash the coach so that was settled. I pulled my copy of 'Valley of the Horses', Jean Auel's epic, out of my bag, slipped my sandals off and settled down. I lost track of time, as I became engrossed in the action, Ayla had just rescued Jondolar when Den poked his head back inside.

"You want to get a drink?"

"Er okay, won't be a minute"

"I'll just put my stuff in the locker then I'm ready" Den advised

I marked my place and put the book on the dashboard while I put on my shoes, I had one on before I realised that I was putting the strappy sandals on. I must have pulled them out to get the book. Ah well, in for a penny! I did a quick check in the mirror, still looking pretty good despite the heat.

"Ready?"

"Yeah"

We walked round to the small café / bar at the start of the waterfall path. There were several other coach crews there as you might expect and, sod it, a couple that I was on more than nodding terms with as Chris!

"I think I'll go back Den"

"Why?"

"George is over there, he's bound to recognise me" I hissed

"Too late he's spotted us, "hi George, still on the trolleys then?"

"Hey Den how's it going"

We walked over to his table me trailing reluctantly.

"And who's this lovely creature?" George asked

"George meet Nena, Nena this is George, he drives for Wallace Arnold. Nena's filling for Chris, he went down with food poisoning on the way down." Den laid it on thick

"Hello Nena, hope Den here's behaving himself"

I tried to sound upbeat as I replied.

"He is being, how you say, a gentleperson, no, gentleman"

"Maureen will be back in a mo" George mentioned.

The waitress came to take our order and the woman mountain that is Maureen joined us. After a repeat of the introductions, Den and George started talking coaches, which left me to 'chat' with Maureen. It was clear that she was sizing me up as we talked, I was certain that she recognised me but I sort of deflected her with the tale of last nights exploits. She was a little confused I could see now but if I know Maureen she'd stew on it for a while yet.

"Time to get back Nena" Den advised, rescuing me from further interrogation.

"Take care Nena, don't let Den take advantage" George joked

"Might see you later in the week" Maureen suggested

"Teuss" I waved as we left them.

"I'm sure Maureen knows"

"You're just paranoid, George certainly didn't recognise you"

"I am not paranoid!"

"Hello Mr Stubbings, are you enjoying yourselves?" Den went on.

I slapped my smile back on and joined the Stubbings to return to the bus.

Today's trip was certainly packing stuff in; we've still one more stop before we head back for our late dinner. We had everyone on board at five to three, the air con was proving a good draw and instead of heading back up the hill we headed down the valley. Forty minutes and a crossing of the Thurn Pass we arrived at Kitzbá¼hel for a stop of about an hour. After directing our passengers towards the town, Den and I locked up and headed down ourselves, I'm afraid I'm a sucker for the tradition of coffee and 'kuchen' in the afternoon.

Kitzbá¼hel is a very pleasant little town and we were soon sat outside a café with our coffee, Den tucking into strudel and little ole me some concoction of raspberry's, cream and a sort of blancmange! Well it tastes a lot better than it sounds! My feet were by now quite tired so I slipped my shoes off, aah! Luxury! We had a second coffee, I toyed with the idea of another slice of cake but the look Den was giving me halted that thought, spoil sport.

When we were done I couldn't face putting my footwear back on so I walked back to our transport barefoot on the baking pavements, swinging my sandals in my hand. Den just shook his head. I spotted one of the sports stores were having a sale and I emerged ten minutes later, fifty Euro's lighter and sporting some decidedly feminine looking sunglasses.

"Well, what do you think?" I asked Den

"I think that anyone thinking you are not a girl must be very mistaken!"

"Thanks, I think." I stated

"You want an ice cream?"

"We just had cake"

"So?"

"Well in that case, pistachio and strawberry"

"Women!"

We walked over to the ice cream bar and Den paid for a couple of double scoops, I got the cake earlier.

"You feeling a bit happier now?" Den enquired

"A bit I guess, but I'm sure Maureen knows and then there's Ingrid"

"You worry too much"

"It's not your neck on the line" I stated

Den opened the bus and the passengers started arriving back.

I'd noticed that one bloke, Mr Brand, was always knocking into things, just clumsy I guess and this time he managed to wipe every thing off the dashboard with his camera bag.

"Oh I'm so sorry" he apologised

"That's okay, no harm done" Den told him as he helped pick up the debris

"Didn't take you for a fan of this stuff, " he waved my book at Den, "my wife likes them but I prefer westerns."

"Oh it's not mine," Den replied, "it's Nena's"

I could see the cogs turning over.

"In English?"

"Yes, there is not so much translated into German and it helps with my English too" I hastily explained.

"Right. Yes. Excellent idea. Your English is already very good, where did you learn?"

"Mostly at school but I spend a summer, two years ago, in England as how you say, au pair"

"That explains it then" he gathered his bags again and commenced causing chaos further down the bus" both Den and I just shook our heads.

A few minutes later and the head count was done and Den pointed us back toward Seefeld.

"I hope you've all enjoyed today"

A chorus of slightly weary voices answered in the affirmative, I could hear Mr Brand loudly explaining my reading material to his wife, "she reads English books you know, to improve her English."

"Dinner should be ready when we get back to the hotel so you can go straight in to eat. Those of you going to the Silvretta tomorrow, we leave at nine o'clock again. I will come around once we get onto the autobahn if you want drinks. Otherwise sit back and relax." I finished my little announcement and as we were only just going through Brixen I settled down for a few minutes.

It was five past seven when we pulled up at the See Hotel, tired, hungry and apart from the two children on board pretty happy (children and coach travel do not go well together!)

"Ah Ingrid, we need to talk" I mentioned spotting her in reception

"Sure Nena, eat first, we can get a drink afterwards"

With that settled I joined Den in the restaurant.

Maddy Bell 17.01.04  © 2004

Hostess With The Mostest
Part 5
Maddy Bell

Truly I can't really remember my dinner. Den did his best to make light conversation; I on the other hand made poor company, barely managing the occasional grunt. Indeed the only thing I could think of was the impending 'chat' with Ingrid, it was like waiting for Mr Guillotine.

"Come on snap out of it" Den broke my thoughts

"Eh?"

"You haven't touched your ice cream" he stated flatly

"Oh sorry, Den. I'm just a bit on edge you know?"

"Look Chris I feel responsible for all this, I should have told the girls no"

"Come on Den, I went and agreed to this crazy scheme you know"

"Well I feel responsible." He stated, "do you want me to come when you meet with Ingrid?"

"Thanks for offering but I reckon I need to do this on my own"

"Well I'll only be in the bar"

It's amazing how you adapt isn't it? A few days ago I wouldn't have even dreamt that I'd be sat here like this with Den offering his 'protection'. I mean Den has equally adapted to my female persona and for the most part I don't even worry about what I'm wearing or how I look. Strange.

The pair of us moved through to the Stube and found a quiet corner to wait for Ingrid.

"Hi Nena, do you want a drink? Den?" Maria asked

"Er hi Maria, just coke for me" I told her

"Gro០bier bitte" Den requested continuing after she left to fetch our drinks, "I guess she hasn't told anyone else then"

"Yet" I added

Our drinks and Ingrid arrived together a couple of minutes later.

"Hi, are you joining us Den?"

"No I'm going to practice being a bar fly for a bit"

"Shall we go sit outside Nena" Ingrid suggested

"Okay" I stood and drink in hand followed Ingrid out into what passes as a garden hereabouts. She led me to a fairly private corner where a table and chairs awaited us. Once we were sat Ingrid started.

"Firstly Ne.. Chris I should apologise. When Julia rang and told me what was going on I expected to see a, how do you say, a man in a dress."

"In drag" I offered, just wait till I see Julia!

"Yes man in drag," she used the addition to her vocabulary. "I hadn't realised that the Nena Den introduced was you Chris, Julia said you would be namen, er called Chrissie"

Now it was my turn to do some explaining. Keeping it in English I started.

"That was the plan. When Den saw me when I arrived he came up with this stupid Nena business and some cock and bull story to tell the passengers."

"It wasn't all planned?"

"No it was a spur of the moment thing."

"Well I have to say you had me fooled and I was expecting you and everyone else believes you are really a woman"

I let out a breath I didn't realise I was holding.

"So if you knew who I was, what was last night about?"

"Sorry, I got a bit carried away. When the girls are here we usually go out so I thought that for appearances with my girlfriends you should join us"

"Camouflage"

"Yes" she agreed

I sat back in the chair and took a swig of coke.

"So why did you mention it last night, I was petrified you were going to let it slip"

"I'm not sure really" she admitted, "maybe to see your reaction?"

"Well I'm glad it's over now anyway"

"What do you mean?" Ingrid asked

"I'll get my stuff of the bus and change back to myself, I'm sure we can come up with a plausible story for the passengers"

"But why, I won't tell anyone" she told me

"It's not just you. We met some friends earlier and I'm sure one of them twigged"

"Twigged?"

"Sorry, worked it out?"

"You are sure?"

"Well she didn't say anything but she was looking at me really strangely"

"Looking how?"

"Well..." I proceeded to give Ingrid the full story of our stop at Krimml earlier in the day.

"Nena, I can't call you Chris looking as you are," she stated, "Nena, I think you got it wrong. She was just sizing you up!"

"What do you mean?"

"All women do it. Whenever we meet somebody new, especially another woman we make comparisons to see if they are, how you say, competitions?"

"Competitor's. So you think Maureen was just checking me out?"

"I'm sure of it. She see's you, young and pretty, she is jealousy!"

"So that's what all the odd looks were about!" on reflection I could see Ingrid's reasoning.

"Look, you appear like a woman, you even speak like the German fraulein, I don't know how you do it, you are so convinced?" she mentioned, "So you stay Nena?"

"I suppose so" I allowed

"Well you could not be Chris with your 'weiskopf' anyway eh?"

"Don't remind me, I'll have to cut it short when I get home I suppose"

"Come on" Ingrid bounced up, "let's go keep Den company"

"Okay" I agreed, collecting my bag and glass and following her back to the Stube.

I managed to miss Julia's call, my phone was in my bag, heck, we'll talk tomorrow.

"We have a wunderbar, sorry wondrous?"

"Wonderful" Den supplied

"Yes wonderful trip today. We go first to St Christophorus and the Arlberg Pass for a short stop. After, we go out of Tirol into Voralberg then we head for our lunch stop at the Silvretta Pass"

Well last night was a revelation ending in Ingrid lending me the ankle length cotton skirt I'm wearing this morning. After we joined Den back in the bar no mention was made at all about my gender, I 'was' Nena!

Den took us through Telfs before joining the autobahn heading west up the Inn valley. Despite several sets of roadwork's, it was still well before eleven when we passed St Anton and began the final climb up the Arlberg. I was less surprised today by the passengers reaction to me, and instead of my usual ten drinks on this leg of the trip, I cleared a round two dozen. Apart from anything else it certainly passed the time!

The Arlberg is hardly the most scenic of the passes, it lacks the scenery of the Silvretta, the tunnels of the Flexen and people using the tunnel are not missing much! We generally stop at St Christophorus rather than ever-popular St Anton, to be different. There are a few shops and café's and in the ski season there's no need for ski lifts, you are straight onto the piste from the village. It was cooler today and with the sharp breeze up here I was glad of Ingrid's skirt. After our thirty-minute break we continued over the pass, pausing briefly at the top for photos before heading down towards Switzerland.

Shortly before reaching Bludenz we turned left into Montafon to start the climb of the Silvretta Pass. Up past Gashurn the climb was pretty gradual then after Partenen the pass proper starts around over thirty often hairpin bends. We were overtaken by several motorbikes; the route is a favourite with bikers from all over Europe, just because of these bends. Even our bus's 12 cylinder Mercedes engine was complaining by the time the last numbered bend was cleared. Although some of the passengers had managed to jabber to each other all the way up, most were in awe of the amazing series of switchbacks and sheer drops. I must have been over here at least twenty times and I still find it amazing. Switzerland and royal favourite, Klosters lie just a few k's south and the brooding presence of Piz Buin and Hohesrad add to the extraordinary aura of the place.

We pulled up at the 2000 metre high coach park just about spot on one, just right for lunch!

The brooding presence of Piz Buin overlooks the top of the pass.

"Welcome everybody to The Silvretta Pass. We have here one hour and," I glanced at Den who mouthed half past at me, "er," I checked my watch, "thirty five minutes. Please to be at the bus at half past two. There are toilets and a restaurant over with the gift shop, maybe after you walk across the Staudamm, sorry the lake wall?"

"Dam" Den supplied

"Dam" I told the passengers, which caused some hilarity, that I had to pretend not to appreciate.

I stepped off the bus and did the usual exiting customer routine.

"We eating Den?"

"I'll meet you over there, I just need to finish this tacho sheet"

Suddenly I felt alone and afraid as I walked over to the little complex perched on the edge of the reservoir. The long skirt flapped about my legs, strands of blonde hair flew about my head, I was just glad that my new glasses hid my rabbit in the headlights stare. I know what you're thinking, 'he travelled hundreds of kilometres on Sunday on his own" somehow this was different. On Sunday no one knew me, here there were about thirty people who do know me, but know me as Nena. Scary! I used the ladies and met Den by the restaurant steps.

"Ready? He asked

"Definitely"

We climbed up to the roomy cafeteria and joined the food seekers. I got myself Wiener schnitzel, fries and salad, a slice of strawberry torte for dessert and a diet coke, I might be a girl this week but I'm not going to stop eating! I waited for Den then we made our way out onto the balcony. The building provided just enough shelter from the wind to make eating al-fresco comfortable.

"You okay today?" Den asked between mouthfuls of wá¼rst.

"So far, this skirt takes some getting used to, flapping about all the time"

"Hmmm" he nodded

I can't say the food was the best I've ever had but it was fresh if a little overdone. I finished eating and propping my elbows on the table sipped at my coke while checking out the view. Awesome! The 3000 plus metres of Piz Buin looks down on us as it dominates the southern skyline, the wind whipped the unfamiliar blonde hair as a sudden gust hit the veranda.

"It's so, I don't know, big up here" I mentioned

Den nodded in agreement, "could get pretty lonely" he noted

"Sometimes when I'm up here I just feel like going walkabout you know?"

"Not today though, in that skirt!" he joked

"No today I'm happy just to look at it all"

We sat and looked at the vista spread before us while we finished our drinks.

"You going back to the bus?" I asked as we cleared our plates away.

"Yeah I think I'll catch forty winks"

"I'm gonna take a short walk then"

"See you in a bit then"

We parted company and I headed along the path towards the Madlener Haus, the pass top hotel. I took a few pictures of the mountains and the lake, I've got loads but somehow every time you come they look different! I sat myself on a rock for a few minutes just taking in the view before heading back towards the little pot of human activity around the restaurant. I exchanged waves and smiles with several of our passengers as I headed to the row of coaches on the far side of the parking lot.

Letting myself onto the bus, I woke Den from his snooze in the first row of passenger seats.

"Comfy up there?"

"Not really but the curtains keep the sun off better than my blind, what's the time?"

"Don't worry, we've got fifteen minutes yet, you want a drink?"

"Please, I just fancy a cup of tea"

"Coming up captain" I saluted as I passed him on the way to the servery

Five minutes later we were both nursing mugs of tea.

"Hello, is it alright if we get on?" Mr Stubbings asked through the doorway

"Of course it is" Den replied hopping down to give them a hand on board

"Ooh that tea smells nice" Mrs Stubbings mentioned as she climbed past me

"Would you like one?" I slipped into Nena speak

"That would be nice Nena"

By the time I got to finish my own by now cold cup, I'd made about a dozen hot drinks and sold the same number of cold cans!

After the usual head count we headed down the eastern side of the pass towards ill-fated Galtá¼r. I was on a Ski'n'tour holiday based just down the valley at Ischgl with one of the other drivers when that terrible avalanche hit Galtá¼r taking so many lives with it. Like so many others we joined the rescue teams digging for survivors, a fruitless task on the whole, most being taken in their sleep. I've been back many times since but I can't shake the images of those couple of days from my mind.

There's no impressive series of bends this side of the pass, instead the gradient is fairly even, the road comparatively straight and even a ten ton coach can make good time. Down the Paznauntal to rejoin the Inntal at Landeck then a short stretch on the autobahn to reach our afternoon stop at Imst. With less than an hour's drive back to Seefeld, Den suggested we have a longer than scheduled stop, an hour and a quarter instead of an hour.

So far on this tour, we hadn't really had a 'proper' shopping opportunity for our 'guests' so Imst with its mix of normal shops, café's and souvenir emporiums would fill the gap nicely. I'm not usually one for the shops, and doing these tours regularly the tourist bit gets a bit weak too but being Nena has brought new demands, restocking of toiletries and on Ingrid's advice, the need for more clothing!

Den joined me as I headed down to the bottom of the 'shopping zone'.

"Chris, take this" Den palmed me something as we walked

"What's this for?" I asked opening my hand to reveal a couple of fifty Euro notes.

"Look I know it's cost you a fair bit already this week, think of that as my contribution"

"Den you don't need to" I tried to give the money back to him.

"Keep it please, I still feel a bit responsible for all this, it would ease my conscience"

"Well I'll admit it won't go amiss, but the drinks are on me tonight!"

"Okay miss bossy boots" he mocked dodging a decidedly girly swipe from me.

We found a Drogerie where I was able to get most of what I needed, cotton wool, face cream and much to Den's amusement a new lipstick! Well he was paying for it. Being that time of day again, we found a bakery that doubled as a coffee shop to indulge my desire for cake - again! Two Cappuccino's and a slice of lemon torte later we started back up the main street.

"What are you looking for?" Den asked

"Ingrid reckons I should get, what did she call it now, oh yeah a 'schwarze kleine Kleid'"

"A black what?"

"Erm, a little black dress"

"You serious?"

"I said I'd look if I got a chance, okay?"

"Sorry Chr.. Nena" Den corrected himself just in time as we passed a couple of our passengers.

We walked along in a slightly uneasy silence for a short way before Den pointed over the road.

"There's a boutique place over there if you want to look"

"I guess"

Not being exactly into women's fashion, 'Orsay' over the door meant nothing to me. I'll give him due; Den joined me inside as I made my way around the racks.

"That's quite nice" he motioned to a dress that was more holes than fabric. I just gave him a look.

"Okay, p'rhaps it's not quite you"

"Ich kann hilfe?"

I switched into full German mode.

"I'm looking for a dress" I replied to the young woman who had addressed me

"Party? Work?" she gave a questioning half shrug

"Fairly formal, dinner that sort of thing" I offered

"I think we have something for you over here, come" she instructed

I, with Den trailing, followed her to a side rail.

"Ellie? Can you give me a hand?" a disembodied voice called out

"Are you okay?" she asked

"Er yes thanks"

"I won't be long" Ellie advised

"I wish I had your gift of the gab" Den stated

"That's why you drive and I guide, what do you reckon to these?" I said pulling a couple of frocks off the rail.

"The blue one's nice but I prefer the red one"

"I wish I was looking for trousers" I mentioned to no one in particular, "I guess I'd best see what they look like at least."

"Hey don't look at me in that tone of voice!" Den mentioned

Seeing Ellie down at the cash desk I went for broke.

"Kann ich dieses Kleid anprobieren?"

"Ja kabine drei" she called back

"I'll wait outside" Den told me

"Oh no you don't, I need you help here"

I took the dresses into the cubicle and slipped out of the top and skirt. I couldn't work out how to put the red dress on so I tried the blue one first. After Sunday I had the sizing cracked so that wasn't a problem, doing up the rear zip was but finally I had it on. Weird! In my worst nightmares I never envisioned wearing a dress and here I was in a shop trying one on. My heart was going nineteen to the dozen.

"You okay in there?" Den enquired

"Just a minute" I straightened the skirt and made my entrance, exit, whatever.

"You look all woman in that"

"Yeah but how does it look?"

"Fine to me"

"I'll try the red one then"

Back in the changing room I quickly got out of the first dress then after discovering the side zip I got into the red frock, I prefer side zips, you can reach them easier! This one felt a lot better and was a couple of inches longer.

"Wow that really looks good on you" Den commented

"It fits better than the blue one"

"If you're gonna get one my votes with that one"

I did the changing bit again, back into the skirt and top.

"I don't know, what do you reckon?"

"Just get it, you can always give it to one of the girls. What size shoes do you take?"

"Six, why?"

"You'll need some shoes, that's 38 yeah?"

"About"

"What about these?" Den pointed to a pair of pointy-toed things that on another woman (?) I would find quite sexy.

"Go on then, in for a penny"

There was only one pair on the display so I caught Ellie's eye

"Okay?" she asked coming over

"Ja, haben sie Grá¶áŸe acht und dreizig bitte?"

"Moment bitte"

"You gonna get them then?" Den asked

"I guess so, it'll keep Ingrid quiet and like you said, I can give them to the girls."

"Damn! Is that the time?"

"Bugger, I didn't realise we'd been in here that long"

"You finish up here, I'll pick you up outside the church, you know where the bus stops are?"

"Okay, see you in a few, teuss"

Den quickly left the shop and disappeared. All the passengers would be waiting at the bus, what a mess!

Ellie returned with the shoes by which time I had my sandals off ready

"Here you are, thirty eight, I brought a size either side as well."

"Thanks"

"Will you be wearing hose? They are for the dress?"

"Yes to go with the dress"

"Hose then, hang on" and she was off again returning with a packet of 'fu០hose'. "Put these on first."

Five minutes later I knew that with tights on my new size thirty seven stiletto's fit a dream and that I'd just spent thirty Euro's on shoes and forty three on a dress that I never intend wearing! I hurried up to the church and actually had to wait for Den to come round with the bus.

Once on board I felt I needed to apologise

"Sorry everyone, I was trying on a dress" cringe! I waved my Orsay bag to emphasise the statement.

"I hope we're gonna see you in it?" one wag called out

"Perhaps, if you are well behaved" I countered, which caused a few chuckles

Once we were clear of the town I whispered to Den.

"Were they okay?"

"Fine, they were all sat on a wall eating ice cream, I take it you got them both then?"

"I can't believe I just spent another seventy odd Euro's"

I did my usual coach walk, making sure that everyone had a good time and in seemingly no time at all we were climbing the hill up to Má¶sern and thence Seefeld.

"Good day?" Ingrid asked when I collapsed into the seat opposite her.

"Yeah, it was a bit cooler today thankfully"

"And shopping I see?"

"I got a dress like you said, I don't know why, it's a waste of seventy Euro's"

"How much?"

"Well the dress was forty three but I had to get shoes as well, nothing I've got would look right"

"Lets see then" she enthused

"I'll see you girls later" Den mentioned as he went through

"Okay" we chimed which resulted in a fit of giggles.

I did the show and tell with my new outfit.

"You little flirt Nena" Ingrid mentioned

"Am not"

"Bagsy the shoes when your done with them" she demanded

I rolled my eyes as I left her to go change.

Maddy Bell 05.02.04  © 2004

Hostess With The Mostest
Part 6
Maddy Bell

"I've got a bone to pick with you!" I told Julia when she called thirty minutes later.

"What have I done?"

"Don't come the innocent with me, you spoke to Ingrid on Sunday before I got here"

"Oh that"

"Yes 'oh that'" I stated

"Sorry Chris, I just thought she ought to know"

"Well it was a bit of a surprise when she told me" my mind wandered back to my arrival,

'"Ingrid, it seems there has been a change of plan and Chris bottled out" what was Den up to?

"Such a shame Den, I was sure we'd have some fun"

I was obviously not paying attention on Sunday.

"Anyway what's up girlfriend?" Julia chirped

"How long have you got?"

"That much huh?"

"That much. Lets see now." I started to tell her all about the last couple of days.

"...and so I ended up buying them."

"I think you're enjoying this" Julia chuckled

"Well I admit it's not as bad as I thought, the skirts and stuff take some getting used to but it's not so bad."

"What about the punters? They are the reason for all this" she mentioned

"It's been a while since I've had a coach load that are this friendly, it looks like you might be right."

"Maybe" she allowed, "what are you doing tomorrow?"

"Tratzberg and the glass place"

"They'll enjoy that"

"Yeah it's a good trip, not much for me and Den to do either. What about you?"

"Verona"

"Romeo, Romeo where for art thou, Romeo" I mocked down the phone

"You may mock, your time will come"

"I think it already has"

I hadn't been idle while we talked, I was just about dressed, the black skirt and a dark red top, I decided to wear the new shoes but they'd have to wait until we finished on the phone, there is no way to put on tights with one hand!

"I'll give you a call tomorrow then, you off gallivanting tonight?"

"Maybe, Ingrid did mention something but I wasn't really listening"

"Well take care Chris, g'night"

"Night Julia"

I finished dressing and did the makeup thing. It felt weird putting on the new lipstick that I'd bought, like a step too far somehow. Be-hosed and shod in my new shoes I made my way down to meet Den for dinner. I hadn't bargained on the change to my walk the higher heels would require, shorter steps and more deliberate toe-heel placement, oh and I could feel a distinct wiggle of my posterior too!

"There you are" Den stated

"Yes here I am" I agreed

"Ingrid said you two were off out tonight?"

"She was rattling about something earlier"

"I reckon you're enjoying all this"

"Julia just said the same thing"

"Well are we right then?"

"Not how you mean, oh I don't know. I suppose enjoy is the wrong word, it's more like, well I feel more relaxed today."

"Well you certainly seemed happy enough earlier in that dress shop"

"It's strange really Den," I checked to make sure no one could overhear us, "if I get dragged into a dress shop as Chris I get all uncomfortable, I feel like all the women are looking at me, sort of like I'm trespassing."

"I can go with that" Den agreed, "I felt like that today"

"I think it's because they're uncomfortable with you being there too. But they expect women and act accordingly, you know?"

"And looking like you do all they see is woman and that makes them relaxed which makes you relax!"

"That's about it! Not that I was that relaxed, especially in that changing cubicle"

"Well I have to admit you've got bottle" he stated

"I'll take that as a compliment. Are we eating? It's gnocchi tonight"

We checked on the passengers before going for our own food, that was a mistake, I couldn't get away for fifteen minutes and I was starving! The gnocchi was excellent in a gorgeous cheese sauce, just as well, dessert was a let down, berry jelly with single cream. We retired to the Stube but before we could get a drink ordered Ingrid came through.

"You ready then Nena?"

"Ready?"

"The party? I told you earlier"

"Oh yeah"

"You don't mind me stealing her again do you Den?"

"Far be it for me to disrupt your social life! I'll keep the passengers company"

"Come on then, we'll take my car" she advised.

If she was driving, at least we won't be drinking too much, I hoped. After giving Den a resigned look I followed Ingrid out into the car park and over to her car.

"New car Ingrid?" I admired the little yellow and silver Smart.

"My mother said she would get me a new car for my birthday. 'What do you want?' she says" Ingrid slipped into her native tongue as she opened the door. "'Ich má¶chte eine klein Auto erst' I said to her, she wanted to buy me a Sharan. What would I do with one of those? So she turns up with this."

"It's a nice car Ingrid"

"Especially for free!" she chuckled as we belted up.

"Where are we going?" I asked

"I didn't think you were listening earlier. To my sisters house, just down in Scharnitz"

"Your sister?"

"Why? What's wrong?"

"Er nothing. Does, er did you?"

"Of course not, I just said I was bringing a girlfriend over"

We rumbled over the railway lines and the little car soon had us heading north towards the German border. It's only about ten kilometres so it wasn't long before Ingrid turned us into a side road and in a matter of metres into a driveway.

"I'm not sure about this" I mentioned

"Oh come on, Anja won't bite"

I climbed out of the car and waited for Ingrid to lock up.

"Come on" she directed, leading the way up the steps to the front door.

'Ding Dong!'

I could hear voices inside then the hall light came on.

"Ingrid!" a woman a bit older and heavier than my friend gave her a hug

"Hi anja, this is Nena. Nena meet my big sister Anja"

"Less of the big, squirt! Oh hello Nena, Ingrid said she was bringing someone."

"Er hi" I managed

"Come, come" Anja motioned us inside, "go through to the kitchen Ingrid"

I followed Ingrid who immediately went to put the kettle on. Anja didn't follow straight away; I heard her go into another room and the voices murmured for a moment before she came through to join us.

"Johann says hi, he's glued to the football"

"Who's playing?" Ingrid asked

"Má¼nchen and Ká¶ln I think, have a seat Nena"

The conversation was to me a bloke, bizarre! Anja served up coffee and strá¼del, well you know I'm a sucker for cake! I don't know how the conversation got there, I didn't follow all of it but there it was! The two sisters were discussing boob size!

"You ever fancied a boob job Nena?" Anja asked

"Er, I can't say that I've really given it any thought"

"My Johann, he's a big tit man." She stated, "he kept saying 'anja I will buy you big breasts', I told him back, 'no you want to buy you big titties'" Ingrid burst into laughter, I couldn't help a smirk my self. Anja went on,

"So one day up in Má¼nchen I saw these enhancers in the Karstadt so I thought I would have some fun. When I got home, I put them in my BH and waited for Johann to get home. Hey I looked impressive!" she imitated holding two huge breasts in front of her, "well Johann, he was in heaven, he never mentioned it again but every once in a while I give him the treat eh!" she winked.

"Could we borrow them?" Ingrid asked her sister

"I suppose so, what are you cooking up sis?"

"Well, Nena is a little small? Sorry Nena but it's true, we could do the same thing with Den, her fahrer"

"I'm not sure that's a good idea" I mentioned

"Oh come on Nena, live a little" Ingrid cajoled

That's how I ended up in Anja's bathroom with Ingrid arranging my wares! I have to admit, when she'd done I looked a darn site more woman. I'm not sure what Ingrid did but my Kleenex boobs were replaced by Anja's breast forms and with a bit of tugging at my chest my bra was supporting a veritable 'chest of delights'!

"Oh Nena, you look brilliant" Anja stated

"I feel daft"

"Well you don't look daft" Ingrid told me

"You must do it Nena, Ingrid you tell me what happens eh?" Anja enthused

"I can't wait!" Ingrid enthused

It seemed daft to take them out to go back to the hotel so I wore my 'new' breasts the rest of the evening. It was a little after eleven when we bade goodbye to Anja, Johann managed a muffled 'teuss' from the living room and we set off back towards Seefeld. With the seat belt on my 'improved' chest really stood out, I was glad that there was no one to see me.

Den wasn't in the Stube when we got back so I went straight up to my room promising to find Ingrid before going into breakfast. What a strange day! It's a dead cert. that Chris's day would have been somewhat different, certainly no dress shopping and I can't see Ingrid taking Chris round to her sisters for a natter!

"In the office" Ingrid hissed when she spotted me.

"I don't know what you did last night but I can't get these things to look very good at all" I moaned, "can't we just forget it?"

"No way! Pop your top off and I'll sort it out"

Five minutes later chesty Nena emerged just in time to catch the Stubbings going into breakfast.

"Morning Nena" Mr Stubbings greeted me

"Morning" I replied

"New bra eh?" Mrs Stubbings whispered

"Er yes" god it's that obvious! How did I get talked into this? Looking at my reflection in the window glass I could see that Ingrid had somehow given me not just a bigger bust line but cleavage too.

"Here he comes" Ingrid hissed at me

"Morning you two" Den mentioned, "have a nice evening?"

"Yes we went to my sister's in Scharnitz" Ingrid told him.

Den had obviously spotted my enhanced assets; his eyes kept finding my boobs.

"Do you like them?" I asked

"Eh?" Den brought his attention upwards

"Do you like my breasts?"

"I, er, what are you two up to?"

"We thought you'd like them" Ingrid stated

"What have you done?" he enquired

"We've just helped nature a bit" she answered

"Come on let's get breakfast, then I'll lose these before we go out"

"Er okay" Den agreed

Things of course never go as planned; there was some confusion over our departure time so I didn't have time to do anything with my chest.

"Good morning everyone" I started as we pulled onto the road, a chorus of happy 'mornings' returned.

"Sorry about the mix up this morning. Today we are going first to the glass town of Rattenburg then this afternoon we will visit the Castle Tratzberg."

I waited until we were past the steepest bit of the descent before I started my walk up the bus, although the women treated me much the same as they had done previously. It was the men who treated me differently, well lets put it another way, they were paying attention. Bum I'm stuck like this for the day, I realised.

We picked up the autobahn and once again passed Innsbruck. Today our passengers were due some added 'extras' and the first one came up just ten minutes after leaving the Tirol's capital behind. Den pulled off the motorway into the rest area at Volders.

"We're running a bit early (intentionally!) So we thought you might enjoy a stop here. Just through the trees is the Karlskirche, which we think you will enjoy. Please be careful as you cross the roadway. We have here thirty minutes." Everyone piled off and I took the opportunity to sit for a minute.

"Looks like another hot one" Den mentioned

"Yeah, I'm glad I put on a shorter skirt today, that long one was okay yesterday but in the heat." I left the comment unfinished. "Cuppa?"

"Please"

I made our drinks, determined to get it hot this morning!

"So what's the story with you know?" Den comically did the handful of breast's mime.

"It's a long story, Anja, Ingrid's sister, told us about buying these enhancer things and Ingrid thought it would be fun to see your reaction."

"And was it?" he asked

"Embarrassing really and all the male passengers have been looking at my chest rather than my face this morning."

"I guess we do it subconsciously" Den agreed

"Yeah well" I mumbled

I suppose I'd better tell you why we had stopped at a random roadside church. Well apart from being easily accessible it is exquisitely decorated with frescoes and statuary. It is actually the church of the nearby monastery and even if you are not a churchy person like me, you can't help but be impressed by the ceilings and other decorations. The interior maybe a bit gaudy maybe, but the exterior is much simpler.

"Very nice" Mr Stubbings mentioned looking at my chest which earnt him a slap from his missus.

"Not my taste but very pretty" Mrs Stubbings added

The rest of the passengers made their way back via the lav's; there was nowhere to lose anyone so after a quick head count we rejoined the autobahn. We left the motorway at Wattens and used the old road along through Schwaz, another timing exercise! I used this leg to do a drinks round and had barely finished when we arrived in Rattenberg a bit after eleven.

"We are here until one thirty, I suggest you get some lunch while we are here, there are plenty of, restaurant? yes restaurant und café. The Glasswerke Museum is at the end of the parkplatz and there is a Gallery at the other end of the town"

Once the punters were away I started organising myself.

Den shook his head.

"Come back Chris, all is forgiven!"

"What're you on about?"

"It's taking you as long as the girls do to get ready"

I pouted back.

Having a bit more choice of footwear, I'd elected to wear my slingbacks this morning, they're comfortable, won't leave strappy tan lines and I, er sort of quite like them. We took a slow stroll down through the pedestrianised main street down to our preferred bar cum restaurant. The Tagesmená¼ is usually a good bet here, two courses for just eight and a half Euro's. Today it was gulash soup followed by roast beef, mash and red cabbage, maybe not Michelin three star but good enough for us! We took our time eating, then sipping cold drinks, sat out in the street watching the world go by.

We finally started back to the bus, picking up ice cream on the way. In all the time I've been working as a host I've never had a group of passengers where they are all punctual. There's always one or two who are always late, you learn to compensate in your timings but it's damn annoying. I'm not saying it was because I'm 'a girl' this week but this lot have not been late once! I'm not complaining, if tardiness annoys me, it annoys the other passengers too, which has a knock on effect. On that note everyone was back at the coach before one thirty.

Its not far back along to the castle so in little more than thirty minutes we were parking at the foot of the mountainside on which Tratzberg sits.

"Your attention please" I started, waiting for some quiet before continuing, "we are booked in for our visit so please keep together. If you make your way up the slope and through the gates, the train will fetch us? Take us up to the castle."

They all left the bus and started up the roadway, Den and I followed shortly after and joined them just as the little diesel tourist train, the Tratzberg Express, pulled around to pick us up. After a quick check that everyone was still with us I got on board myself for the ten minute drive up through the woods to the seat of the Enzenberg family. Anyone expecting a 'traditional' castle with moats and towers would be disappointed here, Tratzberg is more of a fortified stately home.

Being in charge of our party, I went straight into the shop cum ticket office.

"Gá¼ten abend, I have the Global party, we have a booking"

The assistant checked her diary to confirm the booking.

"Ah yes, you have how many persons?"

"Twenty five plus myself and the chauffeur"

I paid for the visit and was about to return to my charges when the other woman in the shop came over to me.

"Excuse me fraulein could I have a word, you speak German?"

"Er yes of course"

Swapping into German she called to her colleague, "Maria, can you sort them out with the commentary"

"Okay"

"I'm Katrin Enzenberg"

"The Grá¤fin?" I asked

"Yes but we don't stand on ceremony here, just call me Katrin. Well anyway er?"

"Nena Ziegler" I offered

"Welcome Nena, well I was wondering if you could help us out?"

"If I can" I offered

The Grá¤fin went on, "you have been here before?" I nodded, then she continued, "you know we have staff explaining some of the rooms?"

"Yes"

"Well Susannah has been taken ill this morning, do you think you could stand in for us, just for your groups tour?"

"I er, I don't know the information"

"Don't worry about that we use a little earpiece and tape to remind us, no one remembers everything!" Katrin explained

Then it occurred to me.

"You want me to wear a costume?" oh boy, this is turning into a nightmare!

"If you will do it, you will fit in Susannah's dress with a little bit of luck."

I was sort of backed into a corner, what excuse could I use?

"You know you want to Nena" the countess cajoled

That couldn't be further from the truth but not seeing a way out I nodded my agreement.

"Wunderbar, lets go get you changed"

"I just need to tell the driver I'll not be joining them"

"Okay"

I went back out to where the passengers and Den were waiting; now equipped with the audio systems.

"Hello everyone" I called, "your tour will begin in about five minutes, something has come up so I won't be joining you, I'll see you afterwards." There was a bit of mumbling and Den came over.

"What's up?"

"Nothing really, I've been asked to help with something that's all, you'll find out later"

"Okay then"

"I've been around before Den" I mentioned

"Well I guess we'll see you later then"

"Yeah" sooner than you think!

Katrin was waiting for me and she was soon leading me up to the next level where the offices and stuff reside.

"Thank you so much for this, Nena, I'm sure you'll enjoy yourself, ah here we are" she led the way into a small room that was obviously used as a changing room.

"Here we are" she took a hanger down from a rail and relocated it on a more convenient hook. "Can you manage the dress, it has a long zip" she confided

"I er think so" I answered looking at the voluminous velvet and silk garment.

"Okay then, I'll be back in a few minutes to do your hair. Thanks again Nena" with that she left me alone.

Oh boy, what a mess! I did a quick survey of the costume; it came complete with all the necessary underpinnings so with heavy heart I stripped down to my underwear. Thankfully the corset thing laced at the front and it seems that the absent Susannah is a little 'thicker' in the waist than I am as it closed easily. However there was no way the dress would close without it, for once I was thankful that I'm pretty slim! The stockings were thick white cotton and used a sort of drawcord around the top so that was easy, now it was time for the dress! I was still struggling with the zip when Katrin returned.

"Here let me" she quickly pulled the zip up then closed the buttons over it, I thought they were just decoration. She fussed with the heavy frock for a bit then satisfied bade me sit. Ten minutes later I was ready for my first and only performance as Anna Ilsung of Tratzberg, wife of Jakob Fugger, late sixteenth century incumbents of the castle.

Sheesh this lot's heavy, it's a good job the castle remains pretty cool, in this heat and costume, well I didn't want to go there. As I followed the Grá¤fin around to the public rooms, the new sensations of the heavy garments, restrictive underwear and just as strange, the heavy pendant earrings that Katrin had clipped to each lobe. I could hear the tour approaching a couple of rooms away. Was I nervous!

"Thanks again Nena, you look brilliant" she patted my arm as I tried to remember what I was supposed to do. I had two rooms to explain, the Ladies Parlour and the Queens Room following on from the famous painted walls of the Hapsburg Hall.

Photo of Ladies Parlour  © Tratzberg Castle

The door opened and the tour party filed into the bedchamber.

"Welcome, welcome. My name is Anna Ilsung von Tratzberg"

I'm sure one or two had recognised me already but my opening statement alerted the less observant.

"It's Nena off the coach"

"So that's where she went"

Well you get the gist. I spotted Den who's jaw was on the floor, I gave him a quick look of resignation before going on with my presentation. I quickly had their attention and I think I got most of it in. through into the second room and part two went pretty well too although I was thankful for the earpiece and even more thankful when ten minutes later it was over.

"You're a natural, Nena. I was listening from next door." Katrin advised a moment later, "if you ever want a job let me know."

"I think I'll stick to what I'm doing thanks"

"Well if you change your mind" she offered, "lets get you changed"

To avoid the tour party we had to take the long way round, boy was I finding out that wearing this stuff is not easy. Here I am, Chris Hornby, tour host, tripping through a Tirolean castle holding my skirts up so I don't trip following a countess! At least it'll be something to tell the grand children! We had to go through the shop, a French party were totally gobsmacked as we passed through, you could hear their comments and the Grá¤fin obviously did too.

"Er Nena" she started once we were out of the public area, "I don't suppose you'd do me a huge favour. I know you are working but if I can square it would you do the rest of the afternoon tours? I'll pay you."

"I'm not sure, er the driver, Dennis, he has the final say" I hedged praying that he would get me out of this fix.

"Get yourself a coffee, I'll go find your driver" Katrin suggested.

She was gone about ten minutes; it's not like I could start undressing with all those buttons over the zip.

"He has agreed, you can stay the afternoon, I will get someone to drive you back to Seefeld later, you have a Heimat evening, yes"

"Yes, nine o'clock after dinner" I agreed, feeling let down by Den and probably more frightened of discovery than at anytime since this whole charade started.

"Well we'll have you back well before then. Thank you so much Nena" she mentioned, giving me a quick hug.

Come six o'clock when the last visitors had departed I joined the rest of the staff for a, by now, well earnt coffee. Despite what I was wearing, my improved bosom and the heat of the day by the time the last group went through I was sort of enjoying myself.

"Lets get you changed, then we can join the others for dinner before getting you back to your passengers eh!" Katrin suggested

"Thank you, I've enjoyed it today"

"Well that offer's still there!"

Maria came with me to the changing room and helped me out of the dress.

"Are you okay with the rest?" she asked

"Yes thanks Maria, er where are my clothes?"

"I'll go ask Katrin where she put them" Maria offered

"Thanks"

A couple of minutes later Katrin came in

"Oh sorry Nena, you put them with your bag?" I nodded, "in that instance your driver took them. Don't worry, I'll find something for you to wear"

I sat and cursed Dennis while I waited.

"Here we go," Katrin mentioned a few minutes later.

Well it wasn't what I would have picked given the choice; there again I would have picked jeans and a t-shirt. Ever felt overdressed? As I joined the castle staff for dinner I was wearing the twenty first-century variant of Tirolean costume. A full, ankle length skirt in russet silk wasn't too bad, the plunging square necked blouse that accentuated my bust, was almost too much but somehow all you could see was me.

After a fairly simple meal, Maria was volunteered to drive me back to Seefeld.

"Thanks Nena, here's your pay"

"Thanks Katrin"

"And don't worry about what you're wearing, hang onto them, you've been a star today, Susannah had best watch out!"

Maria tooted the Mercedes' horn, so I left the Grá¤fin and joined Maria in the car.

"Teuss!"

"Bye!"

Maddy Bell 08.02.04  © 2004

Hostess With The Mostest - Part 7
Maddy Bell

Maria slipped the car into gear and we started the drive down through the woods to the road, Stans and then the autobahn.

"Did you enjoy today Nena? The Grá¤fin couldn't get over how good you were"

"Er it was okay, I'm not sure I'd want to do it full time though"

"Yeah I guess wearing those costumes all the time could get a bit much. Mama wanted me to do it last year but I escaped to Griechenland for the summer"

Then it clicked, big car, same features, job last summer.

"Your mother is the Grá¤fin?"

"Of course, did you not realise?"

"Sorry I thought you were one of the staff"

"I am silly, I might be family but I still need to have a job. I suppose you get a lot of variety doing what you do, did you go to college to train?"

"Yes I went to Nottingham, I got a degree in travel management" I proudly told her then realised my mistake.

"Nottyham?"

"Sorry, yes it is in England," I thought quickly, "I was on an exchange programme"

"Ah! Myself I was at Innsbruck University, I have the degree in Archaeology"

"Not much need of that at the castle" I mentioned

Maria paused as she checked the mirrors before putting us into the fast lane and accelerating.

"No and yes. Mostly I work in the shop but also I do other work on the estate, we are excavating at the old monastery up the mountain, the Grá¤fin is keen to have more 'attractions'!"

I glanced at the speedo and wished that I hadn't. You get used to trundling around at a hundred kph; we were doing nearly twice that! Maria looked like she was driving on a country road with not a care in the world. Of course at that speed we were soon past Innsbruck.

"You are German no?"

"Yes from near Trier, on the Mosel?" I decided to stick with Den's cover story.

"Ah yes, the Porta Nigra," she stated, "so how come you work with the English?"

Shit what can I tell her? Does she smell a rat? Best go with Den I guess.

"One of the regular courier's was taken ill, a friend from the university suggested that I could fill in" it was close enough without digging too great a hole!

"Not many nudists this time of night" she mentioned apparently randomly

"Eh?"

"Down at the river, not many nature lovers"

"You mean naked?"

"Of course, in the summer there are often many on the beaches at the river. Oops nearly missed the exit!"

In a wild manoeuvre the Mercedes went direct from outside lane to slip road in about fifty metres, Maria let the slight incline scrub the speed some before we started the climb up the Zirlerberg towards Seefeld. My heart was in my throat.

"You okay Nena? You seem a little quiet"

"Just a bit tired" terrified really!

The big car made short work of the steep climb and within another five minutes I was directing Maria to the See Hotel in Seefeld.

"You've been to the moor?" she asked as we passed the lake.

"Moor?"

"Yes at the bottom of the lake just back there. It is one of the largest in Europe"

"You mean like peat bog, heather that sort of moor?"

"Of course"

"It can't be very big" I mentioned thinking of the miles of moorland in my native Yorkshire alone!

"Several hectares! It is protected since fifty years" she proudly extolled.

"Here's the hotel. Do you want to get a drink?" I offered

"Thanks, but I'm meeting some friends at the University, that's why I got the job of bringing you back"

She pulled the car up by reception and took me by surprise by leaning over and giving me a light peck on the cheek.

"Teuss," she added gaily, "maybe we see you at Tratzberg again eh?"

"Er yes, thanks for the ride" I mentioned as I got out of the car.

"No problem, bye!"

She waved as she pulled back out of the hotel car park and with a toot of the horn she accelerated away with me giving a final wave.

I made my way into reception, having to lift the hem of my skirt for the steps.

"Hello can I help you?" it was Ingrid

As I turned she gasped.

"Ah! Nena I didn't recognise you" she exclaimed

"Well they're only different clothes"

"And hair" she mentioned.

My hand went up in a reflex action. Of course Katrin, the Grá¤fin, had put my hair into a 'medieval' style with plaits pinned up like bretzels.

"I'd forgotten about that. I'd best get changed for the Heimat do"

"You dare! You look absolutely fabulous, maybe a bit more makeup" she told me, "who was in the Mercedes?"

"Maria Enzenberg from the castle"

"You mean the Maria Enzenberg? The telly presenter?"

"I think you've got the wrong girl, she works at the castle and she's the daughter of the owners"

"That's the one! When you decide to mingle you mingle well Nena!"

"What do you mean?"

"That young woman is just about the most eligible woman in Austria, the Enzenberg's are very well connected in society, sort of royalty."

"Oh boy! I need a drink!"

An English voice broke the short silence.

"Chris?" it was Den

"Give over Den, Nena remember?" I dropped back into my mother tongue," look sorry about this afternoon I got railroaded and you didn't help"

"What did I do? That Katrin woman came and said that you'd offered to fill in for the rest of the afternoon did I mind"

"Why that..." I started

"Scheming bitch" Ingrid offered

"You mean?" Den queried

"Yep! She told you I wanted to stay, then tells me that you said okay"

"Well I did, but only because, " he got it then, "I thought that you wanted to. The scheming..."

"Bitch" Ingrid helpfully added

"And what about my bag and stuff and why did you bring my clothes instead of leaving them?"

"That woman just came out with it all in a bag, said it might be safer if I brought your stuff with me, you mean your clothes are in there too?"

"Why else do you think I'm doing a Julie Andrews here?"

"Right" he nodded

"Hey you two less arguing, you have a Heimat to get to" Ingrid mentioned

Ever been to one? Folk evening? Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure a lot of people have a really good time. Me I hate 'em and in Germany, Austria and Switzerland they are all pretty similar! Beer drinking, horn blowing, some yodelling, folksy dancing, a bit of audience participation and don't forget the clappy, slappy business! The biggest differences are the costumes.

Here in Seefeld, weather permitting there's a performance every Thursday in the little auditorium in the park just back of the shops. In bad weather it moves into a nearby hotel ballroom. It being a pleasant evening we herded most of our passengers to the park for the free performance. (They do pass the hat later!) I got a lot of compliments on my outfit; I hadn't the heart to mention that it was hardly my choice.

Once we had them installed I was all for retiring to the bar but Den thought he'd watch the performance so I sat off to one side with him nursing a glass of wine prepared to be bored to death for the next hour or so. I guess if you've not seen it before it's good entertainment, the compere even did a fair translation into English! I knew the pattern and after three-quarters of an hour it was time for audience participation. First the players demonstrated the local dance set piece then they grab people in the cheap seats to participate.

"Fraulein? Tanzengehen?" my idle musing was broken

"Er" I looked for support from Den but one of the women was dragging him onto the stage already. The guy in front of me took my hand and led me to join the others

In German he asked, "you know this dance miss?"

"Afraid not, disco" I mimed a little hip swivel much to everyone's amusement, I just turned beet red!

"No worry" he said through a chuckle, "just follow me"

The band struck up and the singers started the accompanying song and Nena's first and hopefully last folk dance was off. It wasn't complicated like I remember from junior school; mostly it was shuffling about and slow waltzing. After a minute or two I was actually enjoying myself, even getting enthusiastic and didn't notice that after each reel one couple dropped out. Didn't notice that is until it was just me and Hans being clapped around the stage. The music ended and the audience broke out into rapturous applause. Embarrassed beyond belief I joined the group curtain call then joined everyone returning to their seats, more than a little flushed.

"Enjoy that?" Den panted

"I guess so," I admitted

The Heimat group moved into the last section of the performance and a little after ten the alpine horns signalled the end of the entertainment.

"You want to go for a drink?" Den offered

"Just a quickie, I'm knackered" I confided as we headed out of the park, " it's been quite some day" that, as they say, was a bit of an understatement!

"The hotel okay?" Den asked

"That'll do me. So the rest of the trip was okay? You stopped in Innsbruck?"

"Yeah, I walked them round to the Golden Roof, you know how many manage to miss it!"

I chuckled to myself. Just about every trip there's at least one.

'Where was the Golden Roof then?'

'You went to the square with the café's?"'

'Yes'

'Well it faces up into the town at this end'

'We didn't see anything'

Well I suppose 'golden porch' might be more accurate, everyone is looking for this spectacular big yellow roof but its really quite small and halfway up a wall!

"I gave them an hour, we were back at five thirty. How did you get on?"

"She offered me a job!" I stated, "the scheming..."

"Yeah bitch, you already said"

"Yeah well. Mind you she did pay me"

"How much?"

"No idea I didn't ask and I haven't looked, I'll check when we get back"

Well we were back. With nearly all of our passengers up in the town, the Stube was pretty quiet and we settled into a quiet corner. I recovered the envelope from my rucksack and pulled it open.

"How much then?" Den enquired

"Looks like one hundred Euro's, there's a note too," I said opening the folded paper. I read aloud translating direct from the German.

'Dear Nena,
Thank you so much for helping today, you helped make a lot of people's visit to Tratzberg Castle very enjoyable. I was serious about the job, if you want to take me up on it my private number is above. As promised I enclose pay for the afternoon plus a bit extra for being such a sport.

Teuss
Karin Enzenberg (Grá¤fin)’

"She was serious then" Den mentioned

"Who was serious?" Ingrid asked joining us

"The Countess, she's offered twinkle toes here a job"

"Twinkle toes?"

"Later" I told her

"What job?"

"Doing what I did today, tour guide cum actor"

"Don't you mean actress" Den put in

"Whatever"

I stifled a yawn

"I'm ready for bed"

Just then I heard my mobile go off. I dug it out and answered

"Chris Hornby"

"That you Nena?"

"Oh hi Julia, what's up?"

"Just checking on my protégé. How did the Heimat go?"

"Ask her about the castle" Den shouted over

"What about the castle Chris?" Julia asked

"Well you remember...." I repeated today's events for her over another couple of drinks and barracking from Den and Ingrid.

"So she's a what did you call it?"

"Grá¤fin. Like a sort of countess, yeah" I replied

I could tell she was shaking her head at the other end of the line.

"I'd best got off this phone I suppose" she finished, "say goodnight to everyone for me"

"Yeah 'night Julia"

My companions chorused their own 'night Julia' at the phone before I closed the connection.

"I really did ought to get to bed now"

"Yeah me too" Den agreed.

I awoke with a bit of a start. By heck that was some dream! I checked the clock, urgh! Six o'clock! Ah well I'll never get back to sleep again now, might as well get myself ready! 'Well I've done it' I mused to myself, 'a whole week just about, some week huh?'. I decided to wear the skort again today, the weather forecast reckoned low thirties and they'd been pretty accurate so far this week. It was still only seven when I finished doing my makeup so I decided to go for a walk. I slipped my Global fleece on and the flat sandals, grabbed my bag and headed out.

With a good hour to kill I decided to have a walk around the Wildsee, the lake that the town takes its name from. There was a slight mist over the water as I walked along the shore towards the solarium and pool, the cool morning air sending goose bumps up my bare legs. Despite my fairly regular visits to the place I've never walked all the way round and I was a bit surprised when the path took me into what I guess was the 'moor' that Maria was enthusing about.

A bit further on a second path headed across what I would describe as scrubland; it was going my way so I followed it. Maria was right, I could see just about the full extent of the reserve from the middle I guessed at maybe a square kilometre. The path came to a fence and gate which marked the end of the 'moor', I read the old cast iron plaque hanging aslant from a telegraph pole. Not that I doubted her but it pretty much just informed the reader of the protected status of the Reither Moor. Thoroughly unimpressed I followed the sign back toward Seefeld up the backside of the lake, the sun breaking over the Reither Spitze behind me.

It was so peaceful, a few birds chirped in the trees and a gentle breeze moved through the sighing branches. I forgot how I was dressed until I passed an old fella walking his Dachshund.

"Morgen"

"Morgen" I replied

"Es ist ein herrlicher Tag"

"Ja" I agreed

It must have been the way he looked at me but I became aware that I was dressed as a young woman and I was out walking on my own. Now I know it's silly and there's no real reason I should be overly concerned but I just was.

I was quickly back at the north end of the water; believe it or not I'd only been walking for about thirty minutes. Having previously seen a path I decided to go over the little hill to the town then circle back to the hotel for breakfast. The sun was no where near hot yet but it was just giving enough heat to make it pleasant. The path wound up across the little alm towards a stand of pine, what's that?

Flipping heck it's a miniature Stone Henge! Sure enough about a dozen rocks were set in a rough circle on the hill top, pretty much hidden from view until you reached them although the views from up here allowed excellent vista's across the lake and over to the old Olympic ski jump.

After taking a few minutes to appreciate the views I found another path that eventually brought me down to the church in the town square. The clock struck eight as I headed down through the shops back to the hotel and a breakfast I now had an appetite for.

"There you are, I've been knocking on your door for half an hour" Den greeted me

"And good morning to you, what's the problem?"

"Nothing really. I just wanted to make sure you were up, you ended up having a few last night."

"I woke up about six so I got ready and went for a walk" Den raised his brow, "yes I know, I didn't think alright? I only saw one old chap walking his dog anyway"

"I see your er chest has shrunk again" Den mentioned

"Well I was never supposed to have all day yesterday. Usual Friday?" I asked as I buttered a roll.

"Yeah, I've told them nine o'clock to give them plenty of time up the Stubai"

"Fine"

"Good morning everyone" I greeted the coach as we again headed down towards Innsbruck. "I hope you all had a good time last night?" I was answered by a good selection of positive comments. "We have a nice day planned for you today, this morning we go up the Stubaital then after lunch we head across the Brenner Pass to Vipiteno in Italy, so sit back and enjoy" I replaced the microphone and started the morning bus walk which, like the rest of the week took some time.

Before Stubai however another short stop was in order, I took up the mike as the motorway started climbing.

"We are just about to cross the Europabrucke, the highest road bridge in Europe, we will pull in at the services on the far side so that you can walk back for photo's and look at the views. Just twenty minutes please"

To be honest crossing this fantastic engineering feat is a bit of a non event, just another motorway bridge. Even the view from the little chapel by the services doesn't do it justice but we'd be seeing it again later! We were only one of about a dozen coaches stopped for the reason at the services, just about every tour from any country that is going this way stops, it's always busy.

"Tea?" I offered

"Please" Den passed his mug over then followed me up to the kitchenette.

"At least I can't get roped into anything today" I mentioned as we waited for the water to boil

"That's true, mind you we have got the dinner tonight"

"Oh bum! I'd forgotten about that"

"It's only a meal"

"I know but everyone gets dressed up, what am I going to wear?"

"Well you did buy a dress on Wednesday" he mentioned

"It's a bit revealing"

"Women!" he rolled his eyes heavenward and I gave him a gentle shove

"Okay, I guess it's the dress then" I replied passing him his tea.

We got caught in a traffic jam leaving the services but no sooner were we back on the autobahn than we were leaving again to join the Stubaital toll road. They obviously spend the income on the road, it's wide and well maintained and this time of day, ten thirty on a Friday morning, quiet! I've been up here in the winter and it's like the M25, nose to tail all the way up the valley. The road suddenly steepened and we entered the first part of the new all weather tunnel. We got held up for a few minutes half way through, they are still working on it, then breaking out into the sunlight again, the end of the road, Mutterbergalm hove into sight.

I'm always amazed at the huge car parks up here miles from anywhere, but this is one of the most popular ski areas in the Tirol, the Jochdole. Time for instructions again. I unclipped the microphone and started as Den parked us in the top coach park.

"Can you all hear me?"

The usual chorus replied in the affirmative.

"Okay, this Mutterbergalm, we are here for two hours thirty, so we leave at, "I checked my watch, "one thirty"

"Psst!" Den hissed, "make it two"

"Sorry everyone, Den says we can stay a little longer until zwei uhr, two o'clock. You can go by cable car just here to the glacier, there is a restaurant and shop up there. Or if you prefer there is a café here at the bottom. So two o'clock please" I finished.

"What are we doing" Den asked, "I fancy going up, I've never done this one"

"Okay, we can eat at the top"

Den locked the bus and we walked over to the ticket office where most of the passengers were still stood.

"Everything okay?"

"Hi Nena," Mrs Stubbings said, "no ones sure what ticket to get"

"Hang on then"

I went up to the bemused clerk

"Wievel kostet fur rundfahrt?"

"Alles?" she indicated the party behind me

"Ja" I did a quick count up, there were a couple missing but I heard them talking about walking up past the waterfalls.

"Funf und dreiáŸig"

"Funf hundert Uro"

"Moment bitte"

I returned to the waiting group

"I've got a group rate, it works out at fifteen Euro's each for the round trip. Is that okay?" there were various muttered conversations but there was a general consensus.

"Okay, I'll pay, we can sort the money out later on the bus"

"Thank you Nena, I don't know how we'd cope without you" Mrs Stubbings stated and several more muttered agreement.

I returned to the clerk and did the deed, paying with my Visa card, it was only afterwards that I realised that my card said 'Mr Chris Hornby', luckily the clerk only checked the signature. Phew! Close call.

"Okay, you have a Fahrkarte each, just put it in the machine for the gate"

"Turnstile" Den supplied

"Yes turnstile, you will need it also to return. Go up the stairs to the, er how you say car hall?"

I passed the tickets out and Den and I followed them around to the turnstiles, which operate like those on the underground in London, eventually even the inept worked it out and we congregated in the boarding shed. The cars are pretty small a tight six, but comfortable four seater. After a few minutes Den, the Stubbings and I were in a car and jouncing out into the sunshine.

"Ooh I'm not sure I like this!" Mrs S mentioned

"Bit late now missus, you can't get out" her husband informed her.

The poor woman looked petrified.

"It's okay Mrs Stubbings, nothing to worry about, look up rather than down, here swap with Den" so Den and Mrs Stubbings did a seat swap so that she was looking up the mountain rather than down. It was eerie as the car silently climbed up the almost vertical face of the moraine then we popped out onto the first plateau and we could see the first stop ahead framed by the Jochdole behind.

The station proudly proclaimed it was at 1900 odd metres, our destination, still a further five hundred metres higher. Mrs Stubbings was much calmer and less green as our car joined the queue in the interchange before once more popping out to continue the ascent. The sun was blinding where it reflected off the still fairly abundant snow above us and I was glad I'd brought my fleece up with me. When we left the little cocoon at the top and emerged from the building, we were greeted by a spectacular vista, little dots moved over the snow from up towards the peak, skiers of course, the whole landscape makes you lose any real sense of scale.

"Are they skiing?" Mrs Stubbings asked

"Yes, there is snow up here all year" I told her

"I've never seen real skiing, only on the telly" she confided

"Look here Agnes, it's twenty five degrees and we're 2345metres high. How much is that in English?"

"Nearly two miles" Den supplied

"Phew, so how high is the top up there?"

"I think about 3500 metres"

"Lets take a walk Agnes" Mr Stubbings suggested

"Okay Stan, thanks again Nena, we'll see you later"

"Ready to eat?" Den asked

"I hope everyone enjoyed themselves" I mentioned as we set off for the drive over the Brenner.

By the looks on all the smiling faces they had, good enough. I took the strappy sandals off and with a good hours drive started a drinks round. As passes go, the Brenner is nothing special at just 1300 metres but it's importance as a cross Alpine route means that the motorway is very busy and as we dropped towards Vipiteno the traffic started backing up until it was at a crawl. Eventually we entered the town and parked at the top of the town. Mind you I did have to collect everyone's cable car money, so I ended up rather cash rich!

"One hour please" I advised the passengers, "cross over the road and down the lane to the shops" that magic word again! After herding our charges in the right direction we locked the coach and Den fetched ice creams from the café before we started a leisurely stroll into the town ourselves.

If you want to buy presents this is the place, cheap wine and cheap leather goods, the town doesn't have a great deal more to offer! Don't get me wrong, it's pleasant enough but there's no fancy buildings or town walls, you know what I mean? Den and I didn't go as far as the clock tower, our destination was our preferred wine vendor and leather store.

I left Den to get our booze order filled and wandered upstairs to the leatherwear.

"Gá¼ten abend"

"Abend" I replied smiling to the cashier

I wandered around with no real intention in mind but found myself looking at a rail of clothing.

The assistant came over.

"Can I help at all?"

I slipped into full German Nena mode.

"I'm just looking thanks"

"We have other sizes if you see anything you like"

"Thanks"

I wasn't even sure why I was looking but a creamy white dress in gorgeous soft leather caught my eye. I pulled it out; it was enough to get my loins excited just holding the empty garment.

"You like?"

"I like a lot!" I told her. I looked at the price. Ouch! Two fifty Euro's. "It's a bit expensive for me though"

"You are Reiseleiter?"

"Yes, for Global from England"

"But you are German yes?"

Well why not?

"Yes, I am just temporary for this tour" well that was true enough.

"You try the dress, the changing room is just at the back"

Do I want to do this? More to the point why? I took the dress and headed to the changing room.

I thought that the red dress felt good the other day, this was something else! I have no idea why, I mean after the weekend I'll be back to Chris Hornby male tour host, but I had to have this dress! I reluctantly changed back into my skort and t and returned to the clothing rail.

"You like it, the size is good?"

"Yes to both but" I simply shrugged my shoulders

"For you the price is one hundred seventy Euro" she offered

I bit my lip, ooh was I tempted!

"One fifty?" I tried

"One seventy five with the shoes"

Well they'd make excellent presents!

"Done"

Ten minutes later I rejoined a toe-tapping Den in the wine cellar.

"At last, Sergio will give us a lift back to the bus"

"Great"

"What have you been buying, not more women's stuff?"

"Might have" I countered

He did the eye-rolling bit again as we followed Sergio out to the Alfa estate that was to be our taxi. Five minutes later and we were loading our alcohol into the crew locker; I tipped Sergio a twenty note, all parties happy.

"So what did you get?"

"Another dress and shoes"

"Women!"

"Hey remember me, Chris!" I mentioned

"Why the hell did you buy more women's stuff?"

"Presents?"

"Whatever, here come the punters"

Well they kept their hundred percent time keeping record allowing us to leave Vipiteno at five past four. Instead of using the autostrada we headed out on the old road, it would take longer but it's a nicer ride. The little border town of Brenner is totally forgettable but the succeeding towns and villages are much more pleasant. The other reason for returning this way is that if you knew how the motorway clings to the mountains you might not want to be on it! In places it is cantilevered for the full six-lane width, scary!

Almost unnoticed we drove under the Europabrucke, Den pulled into the little kiosk just afterwards. From down here the bridge really does look impressive.

"Fifteen minutes please" I advised them before they descended on the kiosk for ice creams! Apparently they do bungee jumping off of the bridge, way scary! From here we had less than an hours drive back to Seefeld, arriving a bit before six.

"Dinner tonight is at sieben uhr, see you all later"

Maddy Bell 11.02.04

Hostess With The Mostest - Part 8
Maddy Bell

"Ingrid" I hissed around the doorjamb a few minutes later.

She glanced up from the computer screen.

"Oh hi Nena, what's up?"

"Tonight is what's up!"

"How so?"

"Erm, it's the farewell dinner yes? Everyone gets dressed up; I usually even wear a tie! I've got no idea what's appropriate."

"The red dress?" she suggested

"I suppose but it's a bit short isn't it?"

"I've got an idea, come on"

"Where are we going?"

"Shopping!"

She grabbed my hand and just about dragged me out of the office.

Seefeld was still buzzing with activity

Seefeld was still pretty busy, a lot of the shops are open until six thirty or even seven o'clock and I spotted one or two of my passengers taking the opportunity for a last shop as I was dragged into the shopping precinct. I must say, Ingrid can shop like lightning! Into the Drogerie, a quick raid of the makeup counter then into the boutique next door, you get the idea. Well we were back at the hotel by six thirty all done!

"Into the shower, quickly" Ingrid urged, "and don't get your hair wet!"

When I emerged clad in just a towel five minutes later, Ingrid had everything ready and waiting. When she'd finished I looked, how can I put it, hot! I didn't recognise myself, that is I didn't look much like the Nena I've been all week. My hair was up in what I refer to as bretzels, much like yesterday at the castle but Ingrid had plaited some red silk flowers into my hair at the same time.

Of course I was wearing the red dress and the shoes but I was also wearing opaque tights in red with a black geometric pattern which reduced my feeling of exposure somewhat. Anja's breast enhancers were making another appearance that gave me the appearance of a decent figure. Deep red nail varnish, matching lipstick and strong treatment of my eye makeup just about wrapped it up.

"Here, wear these" Ingrid gave me a couple of rings to wear while she fixed a red velvet choker around my neck.

"Well?"

"Thanks I think"

"What are girl friends for? One thing's for sure, if anyone had any doubts, they won't have after tonight."

"I'd best go down I suppose"

"Don't forget this" she handed me the new clutch bag we bought less than an hour ago.

This 'Farewell' dinner is a Global tradition on the last night in resort. Instead of the usual three course meal, they get a generous buffet, a complimentary glass of wine, some entertainment, finishing with a bit of a dance. It's not compulsory but most people dress up a bit and the hired help are expected to 'put out' so to speak! Personally I could easily live without it but rules is rules and I'm effectively 'hostess' to Den's 'host'.

"Okay Den?"

"Nena? You look better than the missus ever did!"

I blushed something chronic at the compliment.

"All Ingrid's doing, I feel pretty exposed in this"

"Well you look terrific, shall we go in?"

All things considered the evening went really well, at least until the dancing started about nine o'clock! Of course it was inevitable, but I found myself having to dance with most of the male passengers, I could hardly refuse, I'm no dancer but some of this lot! The last time I escaped, Den was grinning like a loon but I had my revenge, Mrs Stubbings needed a partner and he was it! The official 'do' ended just after ten and with a fairly early start in the morning, most of the passengers retired soon thereafter.

"That wasn't so bad was it?" Den asked me as we sat in the Stube afterwards

"Well my feet are killing me, I'm hot and I'm knackered, no it wasn't too bad"

"Are you two coming for a drink?" Ingrid asked

"I'd better not, I'm driving in the morning remember" Den mentioned

"Coffee?" she offered

"Oh go on then"

The three of us walked up into the now quiet town centre and ended up sat outside one of the small bars opposite the station. Even this time of night it was quite warm although it would be cold in another hour.

"So Chris, how did you enjoy your week?" Ingrid enquired

"I'm not sure 'enjoy' is the right word"

"Oh come on Chris," Den put in, "the last two days at least, no make it three, since Wednesday in fact you've 'been' Nena"

"What do you mean? I've been Nena since Sunday" I stated

"I think what he's trying to say is that you've been er, more relaxed." Ingrid explained

"Confident" Den added

"Yes" Ingrid agreed

"I suppose" I allowed

"Monday's Nena certainly wouldn't have dickered over a dress in Vipiteno today" Den mentioned

"What's this?" Ingrid asked

"Didn't she tell you?" Den started

"I didn't get a chance!"

"So? What did you get?"

"A dress and some shoes" I admitted

"Chris Hornby, I think you like being a girl!" Ingrid exclaimed

"Well it's not as bad as I thought it was going to be, I was sure that some one would spot me for a bloke"

"People see what they want to see Chris, if it quacks and swims it's a duck right?" Den offered.

"I guess so"

"And you do make a pretty good looking girl" Ingrid chirped

"Looks like you're gonna lose the bet Chris" Den mentioned

"When do you become Chris again?" Ingrid asked

"Sugar!" I exclaimed, "I've no idea. I hope the girls have got a plan"

"I suppose we'd better get back" Den suggested

"We'll follow in a minute" Ingrid told him

"Okay, I'll see you in the morning, g'night"

"Night Den"

"Night"

"You okay?"

"I suppose so, now I've thought about it I'm a bit concerned about tomorrow though"

"I guess I would be too" she allowed

"I can't think of a way out though, I can hardly do another disappearing act, and that would defeat the object as well"

"Well you'd best look as much girl as possible, you'd best use those enhancers again tomorrow. Now then, tell your auntie Ingrid all about this new dress!"

Boy do I feel uncomfortable this morning. Ingrid dragged me out of bed just after six and set to with a vengeance! So here I am Chris Hornby aka Nena, waiting for the passengers to emerge from the hotel to start the first leg of the trip back to the UK. Gone are the casual clothes, no today Ingrid insisted that I should look smart so here I am, my hair is in a French braid, I'm wearing subtle makeup, the leather minidress, pale hose and the off white three inch heels that go with the dress. I must admit that I do look rather good - as blokes dressing up as women go!

Den was grumbling to himself, I usually give him a hand loading the cases, there was no way that was gonna happen this morning with me dressed like this!

"You ready Nena?" Ingrid asked plonking a cup of coffee in my hand, "coffee Den"

"Cheers" he came over and joined us.

"As ready as I ever will be. I still feel ridiculous dressed like this"

"Well you look fab" she mentioned, Den rolled his eyes!

"I just hope the girls have worked out how I'm supposed to get back across the Channel tomorrow"

"Hang on, I've got an idea" Ingrid said darting back inside.

My attention was distracted by the first of the passengers emerging to board the bus. So I stationed myself by the coach door to do the morning greet bit.

"You look nice Nena" Mrs Stubbings mentioned as I helped her up the step

"Thanks"

"You travelling all the way back with us?" she asked

"I'm not certain, at least to Calais though"

Most of the passengers were on board before Ingrid came rushing back out.

"Nena, can I have a word?" she whispered to me

"Sure, here okay?"

"No, just over here" she motioned away from the bus and I followed her over.

"What's with all the cloak and dagger?"

"Sorry?" that didn't translate very well.

"Forget it, what's up?" I tried again

"Here take this" she handed me an envelope

"What is it?"

"Have a look," I extracted the contents, a passport and what looked like a photo id card.

"Whose are these? And why give them to me?"

"Mine silly, you can use them to get home, you look enough like me to get away with it"

"But that's not legal, what if I get caught?"

"You won't get caught, on the other hand, looking like you do if you try to use your own you almost certainly will get stopped"

"Er, I guess you're right" I agreed sliding 'my' paperwork back into the envelope.

She grabbed me and did the cheek kiss thing.

"Take care Chris, post the stuff back when you get home"

"I will, thanks for everything, especially this" I waved the envelope.

"Let me know how it goes"

"I will" I gave her a final hug and returned to the bus.

"Come on girl, all the passengers are on, what was that all about?"

"I left my passport in my room, Ingrid fetched it for me" I told Den loud enough that the first couple of rows could hear.

"You've got everything now?"

"Yep"

"Okay lets go!" he shut the door, tooted the horn and pulled away.

Ingrid and her staff waved as we departed the See Hotel for the last time this week.

"Good morning everyone"

Various greetings returned down the bus.

"We hope that you have enjoy your time in Seefeld. We have a long drive today to Nancy in France for our overnight stop. We will be stopping regularly for the toilette and we will halt for lunch in Switzerland. I will be offering beverages later and if you have any questions I will be along shortly. Settle down and enjoy the journey, thank you."

As usual I made my way up the coach as Den headed us towards Má¶sern, Telfs and the westbound autobahn. After ensuring everyone was happy I made myself comfortable on the courier seat, and finding my book, picked up reading about Ayla and Co. we made good time along the Inntal and in a little over the hour we were at the Arlberg Tunnel. Entering the 16km tunnel was my cue to start a drink's round, the first of potentially many today!

You don't really want a blow by blow, kilometre by kilometre account so I'll give you the highlights! When we emerged from the tunnel into the Voralberg the weather was cooler, much better for travelling and we descended to Feldkirch where we left the autobahn and headed into the town, taking the road south into Liechtenstein. The border crossing into the principality was the first time I needed to show a passport for over a week and nervously I offered Ingrid's documents to the guard. Seeing the Austrian eagle on the cover, he just smiled and waved it away, the other passengers' passports underwent a more thorough check.

"How come he didn't look at yours?" Den asked as we pulled away up the hill.

"Tell you later, where are we stopping?"

"Vaduz, we can park near the post office"

A mere ten minutes later our charges were wandering off around the little principality's capital leaving Den and I alone with the bus for half an hour.

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Passport?"

"Oh right, I've got Ingrid's Austrian one"

"Well that explains the border but what the hell are you doing with it?"

"Ingrid thought it would be safer than trying to use my own given how I'm dressed and what have you"

"Hmm I s'pose so. You making a drink?"

We resumed our journey, picking up the Swiss motorway as soon as we were in Switzerland proper. This southern route to Zá¼rich is pretty scenic and for that matter direct and we were driving past Zá¼rich See by twelve o'clock. A traffic-infested traverse of Zá¼rich city centre had us onto the A1 motorway and our lunch stop at Wurenlos Nord services. Having to use motorway services on a regular basis, you learn to appreciate the better ones. Wurenlos is nothing spectacular but the fact that you can eat, and eat pretty well without breaking the bank makes it a good stop for the punters.

An hour and a plate of rá¶stii later, we resumed our journey. Just after Baden we turned onto the Basel motorway and we were soon looking over the Rhein to the Black Forest, shrouded in a fast developing haze. Into the maze of motorways and back streets that take you through to the French border, we dived crossing the mighty Rhein twice in the process before being waved straight through the border control.

The terrain changes immediately from the hills of northern Switzerland to the almost flat Rhein flood plain that runs up to Strasbourg and beyond. Time for another walk up the bus and with the day warming up somewhat, the demand for cold cans was almost universal! After a time the hills of Alsace emerged from the mist to our left and soon we reached Colmar where we turned off of the motorways for a while. Three thirty was fast approaching when we turned off the main road into Kayserberg for our afternoon break.

"One hour please, the town is over the bridge and is very pretty. If you want to see the storchs, they have a, er nest? Yes nest, on the top of the tower at the corner. So four thirty please"

Our charges trooped off of the bus for our last stop of the day.

"You having a walk?" I asked Den

"Naw, I think I'll catch a few zeds. You could bring an ice cream back if you're going in"

My turn to roll my eyes.

"Okay, I'll see you in a bit"

With the sultry heat I was by now feeling less than comfortable dressed in my leather and nylon finery. In fact as I joined the crowds in the main street I felt decidedly over dressed and I was getting more than my share of attention from the mostly casually dressed grockles. I headed towards the little museum, my destination the biscuit factory. Hmm, the aroma of freshly cooked biscuits wafted down the street to greet me.

Kayserberg in all its glory!

Whenever I stop here, this is where you'll find me! I stood outside for a minute just savouring the gorgeous smells then slipping my sunnies onto the top of my head, plunged into the temporary gloom of the confectioners.

"Mademoiselle?" the young man serving enquired.

I slipped into my less than perfect French.

"500 grams of the almond and 500 grams of cherry please" my mouth was watering something chronic, "no make that a kilo of the cherry"

"Okay"

I seemed to be attracting a bit of attention from the bakery staff and my heart sank, I'm uncovered.

"Five Euro eighty please"

I passed a ten note over and realised that it was looks of lust that I was receiving from the staff when the lad's hand contacted mine for far too long.

"Twenty and four and your biscuits" he slipped the coins into my hand and I took the bag with my other.

"Thank you"

"My pleasure" he replied.

Well it wasn't mine! I spun on my heel and exited stage right.

I took my time walking back through the town, had a quick look at the stork's nest before returning to the bus.

"I thought you were getting some ice cream?" Den greeted me

"Bum, I knew I'd forgotten something. There's a van in the car park, what do you want?"

"Cornettoor whatever they've got, you okay? You look a bit flushed." He mentioned /I> "Just a bit warm, won't be a minute"

In truth I was still feeling a bit uncomfortable about the looks I received in the confectioners and the more I dwelt on it the more I realised that I was getting a lot of attention in the street too. Why couldn't I wear something casual today? Damn you Ingrid!

"You sure you're okay?" Den asked when I returned with our ice cream.

"Yeah. Well sort of."

"What do you mean? Sort of"

"Well it was the looks I got up at the biscuit factory and in the high street for that matter. They just sort of creeped me out"

He nodded in understanding, I think!

"Well you creep me out too, no guy has any right looking as foxy as you do today"

"Er thanks I think."

We were just finishing up when the first passengers returned, I say first; they nearly all arrived at once!

The last leg of today's journey took us over the Col du Bonhomme, past St Die and Lunéville and over the Moselle into Nancy centre. The Novotel Nancy Gare provided our last night's accommodation and we pulled in about quarter to six.

I sorted out everyone's keys with reception and rejoined Den as he finished unloading bags.

"We eating here or in the town?" I asked

"Not fussed" Den offered

"Here then, I won't need to change"

"Fair enough, lets dump the bags and go straight in, they take forever and I want to eat before midnight!"

"Urgh" I glanced at the clock, seven fifteen. Seven fifteen! Damn, I shot out of bed and straight into the bathroom. I shouldn't have finished that bottle of wine off! A quick shower later and I contemplated my wardrobe. The girls would be wearing their Global uniforms, as I would be normally, today however I have no uniform suitable for 'Nena'! After some debate I decided to go for yesterdays outfit again, fresh underwear of course and my attempts at coiffeur ran only as far as scraping my white locks into a ponytail. Well at least I look semi presentable.

Apparently more than semi.

"You okay this morning?" Den asked when I arrived at the bus with my case.

"Just about, remind me not to finish the bottle again!"

Den chuckled

"You had breakfast?" he enquired

"No, have I got time?"

"Fifteen minutes"

I scurried back inside to the breakfast room.

"You look nice again Nena" Mrs Stubbings mentioned

"Thank you, have you had a good trip?" I asked while filling a plate with croissants

"Ooh yes dear, we've had a wonderful trip thank you"

"Good, I'm glad you enjoyed"

"We're just going to have a quick walk"

"See you at the bus then"

I lit into the pastries and coffee with a vengeance, glancing at my watch I realised it was time I wasn't here. With a chocolate croissant in hand, I checked with reception that everyone had returned their keys and joined Den outside once again.

"Everyone here?" I asked

"Just the Stubbings missing"

"They were going for a short walk"

"Ah here they are now" Den got on board and had the engine started by the time the old couple reached us.

"Sorry Nena, we couldn't get back across the road" Mrs Stubbings apologised

"Don't know where they all came from" Mr Stubbings mentioned

"No trouble" I told them as I climbed on behind them.

A quick head count later and we were off.

The passengers were pretty subdued this morning as we headed for St Dizier, a common enough phenomenon at the end of a trip. At least we were only a couple of hours away from meeting up with Steve, Rob, Mandy and Julia at Reims services. Compared with the rest of the week, my walk up the bus was pretty quick and by the time we reached Toul I was reading Jean Auel again. As we headed north, it became cooler although still bright but the grey clouds ahead held a promise of rain.

We joined the 'Autoroute de L'est' shortly after Chalon; just a few minutes later we pulled into the services. We were the first Global in, however we barely had the handbrake on before Rob and Julia arrived.

"My god Chris, I thought you looked good last week, you look stunning" Julia exclaimed

"Thanks I think"

"If I didn't know, I'd swear you were the real thing Chris" Rob agreed

"Better call me Nena, the passengers" I mentioned

"She's been brilliant all week" Den put in

"Come on let's get some coffee, the others are about fifteen minutes behind us" Rob advised.

I was answering the call of nature when Steve and Mandy arrived. I just caught the end of Mandy's question

"So where is 'she'?"

"Not sure, the shop I think" Julia suggested, "hey Den is that Nena over there?"

"Nena!" Den called out, "yeah"

"Who's Nena?" Mandy asked as I arrived

"Just someone we know," Julia explained, "hi Nena" she winked at me

"Hello Julia, and Den" I made a big show of air kissing both of them; I could see Rob trying to contain his laughter. "Haben sie eine gut fahrt?"

"Great thanks Nena, you?"

"Fine thank you."

"Oh sorry, this is Steve and Mandy, they work for Global as well, guys meet Nena"

Well Rob couldn't contain it any longer and burst out laughing

"Rob!" Julia admonished

"Sorry, I couldn't help it"

"What's so funny mate?" Steve asked

"Nena is! Eh Chris?"

"Shssh!" I hissed

"Chris?" Mandy asked

"S'me" I admitted

"Oh my god!" she goldfished

"No!" Steve mentioned

"Later guys, we've got a ferry to catch" Den mentioned

We were soon back onto the Autoroute; we haven't got any more stops before Calais, a couple of hours away. The weather deepened further and finally broke just after St Quentin, the rain bouncing off the tarmac, then as quick as it started it stopped. For the first time in days, my beverage round consisted of more hot drinks than cold! We crossed into the Pays de Calais, soon after we turned more north westerly around Arras and onto the coastal plain. Of course we still have to fit in the booze stop, for some punters the highlight of the holiday, go figure!

We dropped the passengers off at Booze City before popping around to the filling station to fill the tanks with cheap French diesel. With practised timing we arrived back at the drinks shed ten minutes before we were due to leave; just time to pop in ourselves! We were now getting close to the first hurdle in getting me back home, the French gendarmerie at the port.

All three coaches ran the last couple of miles to the ferry terminal in convoy and we were soon checked in for the three thirty sailing. We pulled through to immigration but my fears were ill founded, we were waved straight through onto the dock.

Den took up the microphone, "hello everyone, I will be leaving you in Dover, a feeder driver will take you back north. When we land in Dover please make sure you have your passports ready, immigration are being quite thorough at the moment. It's been a pleasure this week, both Nena and myself hope you've had a good trip and we look forward to welcoming you back some time soon." Den's standard end of tour speech!

"So Chris how'd it go?" Mandy asked once we were in the driver's lounge.

"Okay I guess"

"Oh come on Chris," Julia mentioned, "tell 'em"

"Okay, I'll give you the short version"

We were heading into Dover by the time I finished the abridged tale of my week as Nena.

"I can't believe this Grá¤fin person offered you a job"

"If you'd seen him, you'd know why" Den put in

"Den!"

"Well" he mentioned

Back in good ol' blighty! We negotiated the racetrack off the dock around to customs, (waved straight through) and onto the final hurdle, immigration. We queued for a few minutes then we were into the shed.

"Passports please" the I.O. requested climbing on board the bus. She worked her way back up the bus comparing faces to photos, I'm sunk! Returning to the front she ignored Den and my proffered documents, "don't worry" she whispered, then turning to the bus, "thank you folks, have a good trip home."

We pulled through the barriers and swung in next to the Global SUV that had brought the feeder drivers down and would take the tour drivers north.

"See you at the depot" Den mentioned as he gathered his stuff.

"Er Den?"

"Eh?"

"Can you just square it with the feeder, they don't know remember?"

"I'd forgotten all about that, sure"

He called 'bye' to the passengers and hopped off with me in tow.

"You taking mine up Fred?"

"Yeah, good trip?" Fred asked

"Pretty good, just so you know, Chris was taken ill so Nena here has been filling in, she'll go up to Trowell with you."

"Hi Nena"

"Hello Fred"

"Poor Chris eh? He okay?"

"I think so, from the last time I spoke to him" Den supplied

"I suppose we'd better get off, eh Nena?"

"Sure" I agreed

Back on board I advised the punters of the arrangements as Fred started us off on the final leg.

"Has everyone changed their watches back, yes?" a lot of murmuring suggested the answer was no. "Fred here will be our driver and I will be with you as far as Nottingham. We will stop at Toddlyton,"

"Toddington" Fred corrected

"Sorry Toddington services, but I will be around for drinks before then"

Some hours later I stood waiting with the girls for a lift back to the depot, conscious of the brevity of my dress in the cool evening air.

"So?" Julia asked

"What?" I replied

"Did it make a difference?" Mandy put in

"Well I certainly got more tips, there's at least eighty quid here" I tapped my bag, "and I did a lot of refreshments, maybe another sixty. And they were a lot more talkative too," I admitted, "brrrr it's turning chilly" I added slumping down onto my upturned case.

"I guess that proves our theory" Julia suggested

"slip this on" Julia gave me her uniform jacket.

"Maybe" I allowed, "but most of the drinks were because it was hot all week."

"You just don't want to admit it do you?" Mandy stated

Seefeld

"Okay! You win! What I want to know is what do I do about this?" I grabbed a shank of blonde hair.

"Come over to mine in the morning and we'll sort it out" Julia told me

"I'm just glad it's over."

"You don't mean that" Julia suggested

"I do, I can't wait to get back into trousers and get rid of these" I indicated my 'breasts'

"Come on Chris, you must have enjoyed it, at least a bit from what you've told us" Mandy said

"Hmm, maybe a bit but you've seen the last of me in a dress!" I stated as our transport arrived.

Maddy Bell 15.02.04
Photo's  © Maddy Bell 2002
 © 2004

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Nena: Book 2 - Das Ist Normal

 
 

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Part 1
 
"Hmm, maybe a bit but you've seen the last of me in a dress!"

Those words were bound to come back to haunt me!

The last week as Nena had had its lighter moments but now it was time to get back to normal and normal means trousers and Chris! Now in case you missed what happened last week, here's a quick recap. My name is Chris Hornby, yes like the model railways, I've not heard that before, and I work for Global Holidays as a host on their coach holidays. To satisfy a bet, I spent last week in Austria as 'Nena', thankfully that's over and I can put that episode down to experience!
 
 
Monday morning, as usual after a week away it's laundry time, except instead of boxers and socks I've got panties and tights! Not normal! Whatever, I put the washer on and selected my usual cool wash, looking at the labels that should do the job okay. Whilst the machine did it's stuff I sorted out my paperwork, trip receipts, tips, tea money, Mr. Taxman would want his share, which is how the whole thing started.
 
 
Half an hour later and I was sat in a state of shock. I certainly underestimated last night, the tips came to a hundred and twelve pounds and there was seventy- eight quid in the tea float. How we work it on Global, I have total responsibility for the refreshments, buying raw materials, selling; Global just set the prices so that everyone charges the same. As far as the tips go, the host and driver usually pool the income then split it down the middle, my contribution is generally pretty small, but not this week! Lastly, the trip money, like the tea money, all comes to me, I have to 'hire' the bus and driver, the driver gets a flat rate, the bus is charged by the kilometre. It's not often you can make much on the trips! This all sounds like I'm rolling in it but the wages are pretty crap, most of us have a second job when we're home.

The buzzer on the washer disturbed my reverie and I busied myself with getting 'my' small's hung out before getting ready to head over to my colleague and nominal girlfriend, Julia. Supposedly today is a day off but it's expected that we take the accounts and stuff in sometime today, I generally cadge a lift off Julia over to the depot.

I got myself organised and got as far as the door to my flat before I remembered Nena's hair! Damn, I hunted round and found a baseball cap then spent five minutes hiding as much of my currently white blonde hair as I could before setting off for the half hour walk to Julia's. It was one of those bright days; warm but windy with white cotton wool clouds scudding across a backdrop of blue. At least the hat kept my hair under control!

"Hi Chris, kettles on, what's with the hat?"

I took it off and let my blonde locks loose.

"This?"

"I think you look cute as a blonde"

"Well I don't," I said making the coffee.

"Aah, poor Chrisikins"

"You said you'd dye it back this morning" I mentioned

"Dang! I clean forgot"

"Jules!" I whined

"Look, I'll nip down the village and get some dye now, it won't take long, you want anything fetching?"

"No thanks"

"Be back in ten" she pulled the door closed behind her, then I heard her little Polo splutter into life and take off with an asthmatic whine! I sat and read through the local free paper while I waited.
 
 
The door opened and a slightly flustered Julia dumped a carrier bag on the table.

"Here" she chucked me aMars bar and settled on the sofa next to me.

"You get it?"

"Well yes and no"

"It's either one or the other"

"Well they didn't exactly have much choice, seems everyone round here want to be blonde!"

"So?" I prompted

"Well unless you fancy being a red head, the only stuff I could find near your colour is only a temporary wash in job. Sorry Chris"

"It'll have to do I 'spose"

"We can stop off in town after we've been in to work and get some from Boots"

"Come on then let's do it"

Now then, let this be a warning! Brown wash in hair colour used on white blonde hair comes out khaki! I'm not sure what's worse.
 
 
"Oh come on Chris, stop moping, we'll sort it out later."

She was right I guess.

We drove the fifteen miles over to the depot, arriving just after two.

"Hi you two" Maureen on reception chirped, "good week?"

"Great thanks," Julia dug into her bag and produced a box, "here's your perfume"

"Thanks Jules, Bill's inside"

"Okay, come on Chris"
 
 
We walked through to the accounts office to find Bill.

"Chris, Julia"

"Afternoon Bill" I returned his greeting

"You both have good trips?"

"Not too bad, at least the weather was good"

"Who's first?"

"Go on Chris, I want to have a word with Gloria in reservations"

"Looks like it's me then"

"Shut the door Chris"
 
 
Oh dear, this doesn't sound good. Although we're on first name terms, Bill is actually one of the partners who own Global and although he does the accounts, he also does the hiring and firing.

"Have a seat Chris" this was way too formal, not Bill at all.

"What's up Bill?" may as well get it over and done with!

He was obviously a bit unsure on how to start.

"Firstly, I'm glad you've recovered okay"

"Recovered?" oh shit I'm sunk good and proper

"From the food poisoning that made you come home, funny you didn't let the office know?" his look meant I was in real deep doo doo.

"Several passengers rang from Austria and more this morning to see how you were. What could we say? That we didn't know anything about it?" I collapsed back into the chair.

"And then there were the other calls."

"Other calls?"

"Yes we've had twenty three calls praising one 'Nena' who apparently filled in for you in your absence. Seems the young lady was quite a hit and according to a couple of passengers 'a right looker'."

"I'm dead aren't I?"

"Well I have to take a firm line, you left the tour without contacting us here, that in it's self is a sacking offence. Then the mysterious Nena replaces you, we don't know who this person is, and all we know is that she filled in for you and did a good job. Have you got any explanation?"

Choices! I can come clean, tell him the whole story and get not only me but also probably Den and Julia sacked as well. Or shoulder the blame myself, say it was all my idea, resign and hopefully end it there. Either way won't look good on my CV!

"Before you say anything, I've already spoken to Den this morning"

Damn! Looks like I've little choice.

"Okay, if you spoke to Den you know most of it already. I knew it was a bad idea when Mandy suggested it. Look I'll quit if that's what you want, just leave the others out of it."

"Quit!" he looked genuinely shocked by my proposal, "why would I want you to quit? You might not have done it by the book but finding a suitable replacement at short notice, and one so capable. No, I don't want you to quit."

"But?"

"Yes there's a but, I would like to have the same staff for a whole tour. If you fall sick again, ring me! I know that compared to the girls you get a rough deal"

"I ah"

"Word gets round Chris, I know you work hard and from what I've seen you are the best host we have. But the girls get all the big tips, the punters don't mind if they don't get a running commentary and I have to admit they could just sit at the front looking pretty and no one would complain. You on the other hand work your butt off. It is appreciated and you know we get lots of feedback praising you but I also know it would get me down, so much for sex equality eh?"

I simply nodded.

"What I'm trying to say Chris, I don't know how to say this really. Look, if you want to take a week off and get say Nena to cover for you that's fine by me and Russ (the other half of the partnership!) as long as you give us a warning before hand" he gave me a wink.

"What about Den and the others?"

"How many people outside this room know about last week, I mean on Global?"

"Five? Six with Russell"

"Well I don't see any reason to increase that do you? As far as the rest of the staff knows, you managed to get a college friend to fill for you who may or may not work for us again. That okay?"

"I don't think she'll have to do that anytime soon"

"That's up to you. You know where I stand. You've always been a credit to Global and I know you'll continue to be. Now that's done with, lets sort out the money."

We did the tour accounts and I finally got to leave Bill's office

"Find that girlfriend of yours and send her in. and leave the door"

"Sure"
 
 
I tracked Julia down to reservations.

"Bill's ready for you now"

"You were a long time, is there anything wrong? When I saw the door?"

"He knows about last week"

"Bum!"

"S'okay it's all sorted but expect an ear bashing, I'll fill you in later"

"Best not keep him waiting I guess"

I walked through to the tour office to find Russ.

"Hiya Chris, you finished with Bill?"

"Er yeah, sorry about last week"

"Just let us know in future eh? And that bird you got in went down a treat"

How much had Bill told him? For that matter, how much did Bill know?

"What have I got this week Russ?"

"Well as you're here first you get to choose. We've got Brittany, the Algarve and Eifel Experience"

Looks like a no brainer, I hate the heat and my French is not that brilliant.

"Looks like the Eifel then, that's a nine day yeah? Who's the driver?"

"Yeah, they're all nine this week, Den's doing Germany."

"Great"

"Pick up your tour pack Friday, leave the depot at six on Saturday"

"See you Friday then"

I left to go get a cuppa while I wait for Julia.

"I got a proper chewing out!" Jules mentioned as we drove back to her place

"It wasn't exactly a picnic for me"

"So what did he say?"

"Ring in sick next time"

"About you know who stupid"

"He said as long as he knows beforehand Nena can take another tour. As if!"

"Cool!"

"It is not! I told you it was a one off"

"Well"

"Well nothing, Chris Hornby and not Nena whatsername works for Global. Final!"

"Okay, keep your hair on"

"Hair! Damn I forgot about that"

"Well it's too late for the shops now"

"I guess I'll live till tomorrow"

I think I mentioned that I've got a second job, nothing very cerebral I'm afraid, I work behind the bar in the village pub. And guess what? The regular barmaid, Beth has broken her wrist so who gets roped in to work her shifts all week? Yep me! Not bad I hear you say, yeah extra money great but also no chance to sort out my hair. I've not got a phobia, honest!     Julia came by the Oaks on Thursday afternoon, it's all day opening and I've got the two to eleven shift. "How's it going Chris?" "So so." "At least that horrible brown has washed out." "Well that's good at least" I mentioned sarcastically.

"What about the tour?"

"What about it?"

"Well, will you get a chance to do your hair before?"

"I doubt it, I suppose I can put up with it, I've got used to it"

"I reckon you like being a blonde"

"It's only hair!"

"Whatever"

"Okay I admit it, I like being blonde. Happy?"

"Don't be like that Chris"

"Well it's not like I got much say did I?"

"Alright it's all my fault, I admit it"

"I didn't mean it like that Jules"

"So you enjoyed being a blonde bimbo?"

"I was not a bimbo!" "Ha! So you did enjoy it!" "I never said that" "You didn't deny it though" "It was okay" "Just okay?" "Yeah" "I bet you wouldn't do it again then" Where did that come from?

"What?"

"I bet you wouldn't do it again"

"What the hell for?"

"Well if it wasn't a big deal you wouldn't be bothered"

"I'm not bothered!"

"Prove it! Do next weeks tour as Nena and I'll be your sex slave for a month"

"Give over!"

"I'm serious. You do another tour as a girl and you get me however you want for a month. Otherwise I can play hard to get"

"This is stupid"

"Stupid huh" she pouted, "hey Rodg (the manager of the pub), would you wear a dress if I offered you sex for a month? Hypothetically of course"

"Hypothetically of course, where's the frock?"

"Well I just offered that to Chris and he's turned me down"

"Chris lad, put on the dress!" Roger told me

Now I'm in a corner! If I say no it looks like I don't want her when I do. If I say yes I have to become Nena again! It's a no win situation.
 
 
"I'm not saying yes, but if I did that's it right?"

"If that's what you want"

I thought it through again as Julia sipped on her orange juice. Ah well, in for a penny.

"Okay"

She leant over the bar and gave me a hug.

"I'll ring Bill for you, I'll pick you up later and we can let you have an advanced sample of the sex!"

Now that I can look forward to!

I worked the ten till three shift on Friday and Jules picked me up.

"You going like that?"

"Why not?" we're only picking up paperwork so my shirt and jeans were okay.

"Blondes! If you're going as Nena tomorrow we need to get the paperwork sorted and you need a photo id."

"Can I change my mind?"

"No way José! Bill's expecting Nena and Nena he's gonna get!"

My goose was already cooked!
 
 
We eventually arrived at Global just before six thirty; a freshly plucked, shaved and enhanced Nena Ziegler followed Jules into reception.

I wasn't really that thrilled by the outfit Jules had me wear!

"Hi Maureen" "Oh hi Julia, who's this then?" The first test. "Oh sorry. Maureen meet Nena, Nena, Maureen. Nena is covering for Chris this week" "Hi Nena, Chris not ill is he?" "No, he's fine, family or something" Jules filled in, "Bill in?" "I think he's in with Russ in traffic" I followed in my girlfriends' wake. "Ah Julia, come for your pack?" "Yeah and I've brought Nena here to sort out her paperwork" "Hi Nena, you covering for Chris again then?" "Ja, it is okay?"

"Great, at least he followed channels this time. Here you go, float, tickets, itinerary, I'm sure Julia and Den will see you alright."

He really didn't know.

"Thank you"

"Have a good trip, both of you"

"Come on Nena, let's go see Bill"

"One down" I muttered as we walked through to Bill's office

"Oh hi Julia" he glanced up from his paperwork, "what can I do for you?"

"I've er brought Nena, Chris's stand in?"

He looked up and did a double take.

"The mysterious Nena eh. Well I can see what Den meant now."

"Den?"

"He said you were a looker and, no offence mind, you're a cracker!"

What would you do? Me I turned bright pink.

"Let's get this paperwork sorted, oh and you need a Global uniform. Jules can you sort that while we do the rest?"

"Sure. See you in a few Nena"

"If I didn't know" he shook his head
 
 
Forty minutes later we were back in the car, we'd even checked our buses over. I was now the 'proud' owner of a Global blouse, skirt and scarf, full picture id in the name of Nena Ziegler and an order for a dozen bottles of wine! Of course it couldn't end there could it. Oh no. Jules insisted that I get some 'supplies' from the supermarket and then to my eternal shame we stopped at the Oaks.

"Hi Julia, no Chris tonight?"

"No just us girls, can you fit us in?"

"No trouble ladies"

"Oh this is Nena"

"Nice to meet you, I'm Rodg"

"You must be Chris's boss?"

"That's me, you related, you have the same eyes"

"Cousin on her mothers side" Jules supplied

"Well enjoy your meal girls"

"Thanks"

"Well he didn't clock you" Jules mentioned
 
 
After eating we went by my place to pack my, well Nena's stuff then we hopped over to Chez Julie, it's what we usually do the only difference was that I wore a night-dress to bed! Women! Not that I'm complaining, Jules was like the proverbial rabbit and it was after twelve when she dropped off leaving me to my thoughts.

'Do I really want to do this?

What the heck am I thinking?

Passport? I still have Ingrid's, just hope no one looks too carefully!'
 
 
I drifted off into a fitful sleep.
 
 

---

 
Maddy Bell 21.03.04  © 2004
Photos  © Maddy Bell 2001,2002
 
 
End of Part 1
 
 
To Be Continued...

---

 

Nena: Book 2 - Das Ist Normal

 
 

---

 
Part 2
 

I suppose the uniform isn't so bad

"How did I let you talk me into this?" I grumbled as I hugged my fleece around me. The breeze was blowing straight up my skirt and the uniform blouse is how can I put it, thin! "You'll be on a lovely warm coach soon so stop complaining" Julia's reply was muffled by the collar of her own jacket. "Here you go, milk no and black with two" Mandy handed out the Styrofoam cups of scalding beverages. "Thanks Mand" "S'alright Chris, you can get them at Toddington" "Nena!" Jules and I chorused "Sorry, habit" Mand told us, "I still can't believe you're doing this, I mean one week, bit of fun but another one? You sure there's not something you want to tell us?" "Maand!" Jules whined

"I was only saying!"

"Yeah well don't. I told you last night, it's a sort of bet"

"And I don't get to find out the rules"

"Nope" I agreed.

"So are you doing the accent and everything this time?" Mandy asked me

"I guess so, hey Jules, I just realized I could have got away without all that"

"Yeah but you are so much more convincing in German!"

If it hadn't been for the cup of scalding tea I would have got her for that.

"And anyway, Bill's told everyone that a dishy fraulein is on with Den this week"

"I am so not dishy!"

"Go look in a mirror girlfriend!" Mand put in

"Here they come!" Jules stated as the roar of the first coach reached us.
 
 
"You must be Nena, I'm Colin, your feeder to Dover" he offered his hand

"Hallo Colin" this is the hardest bit, pretending I don't know people! In fact that's gonna be the worst bit this week as I'm on sort of nodding terms at a lot of the places we're going to. And not only that but a friend of mine from college lives only a few kilometres from where we're staying!

Not only that but some of our regulars are on this trip, regulars that know me! I found that out last night but it didn't sink in till just now.

"You gonna be okay Nena?" Jules asked. Nena. That's me with no escape until a week on Sunday, what am I doing?"

"Nena?"

"Oh sorry Julia, just thinking, yeah I'm okay"

"Time to get your bum onboard then" Mand mentioned giving me a peck on the cheek.

"Hey no fair!" Jules stated before bussing my other cheek.
 
 
I climbed on board the bus and Col had the door shut and was reversing off the stand before I got my seat down. Next stop Toddington! I now found myself in a bit of a quandary, do my usual spiel and risk being recognised or try something different.

"You okay to do the intro Nena?" Colin asked

"Er yes, I think so" well it's not like I don't know the stuff! But I can't appear too sure of myself; someone might smell a rat. We pulled into the flow of southbound traffic that means show time! Mandy and Julia would both be doing a similar presentation just about now and the regulars would be waiting.

I took up the mic.

I stood up, smoothed my skirt and picked up the microphone. "Guten Morgen" The expected mumbled mornings were a bit more attentive than usual, something different was happening! "My name is Nena, I am from Germany and I will be your Hostess this week. My English is not always so good so I apologise now. We are going to the lovely Eifel region, if you book to go to Brittany this is not the correct bus." Well I thought I'd try some humour and I did hear a couple of chuckles. "Our driver until Dover is Colin, tour driver will be Dennis and he will join us at Dover. I must tell you something of the bus, here next to me, is the er, Erste Hilfe, yes first aid and fire hose? We would like if you use the seatbelts please but in any case you must when we are in Belgien. Exits in case of emergency are at the centre, the rear and the front. Also there is a Toilette at the middle" I paused to catch my breath, thought about my usual jest about the right door but decided to play safe. "If you have any questions, I will try to answer. Shortly I will come along the bus, if you would like to have a drink, I offer tea, coffee, chocolate and how do you say Cola, Limonade?" "Soft drinks" Colin mentioned.

"Yes soft drinks. The drinks are cost fifty pence or seventy cents if you would pay in Euro. I hope that you will enjoy this visit, thank you"
I finally clicked the Mic off, the passengers always take a while to settle down afterwards so I sat down for a minute.
"Would you like a tea or coffee Colin?"

"Tea, white no sugar please" predictable as always!
 
 
"So Nena, what are your lot like?" Mandy asked

The three of us were sat in a corner of the restaurant attacking our breakfast; the drivers were over in the smoking area.

"They seem okay so far" I replied between bites of sausage.

"I've got a couple of right moaners" Julia told us, "it's cold, the music's too loud, haven't you got any decaf?"

"Nightmare" I mentioned

"I've got a week of it to look forward to" she moaned

"You sure you're gonna be alright Chri...Nena?" Mandy asked

"I managed last week!"

"Beginners luck" Jules deadpanned

"Maybe, but this week should be easier, I know all the places a lot better."

"And the people"

"Yeah and the people" I allowed, tucking a blonde lock behind my ear.
 
 
Saturday morning around the M25 - miss it if you can! To be fair we didn't get held up too much, well it kept moving just about and we only queued over the bridge! I made a couple of trips up the coach doing the refreshment thing and generally the passengers were in fine fettle despite the early start that a few of them had had. I started to get a bit nervy as we approached the Kent coastline; my first potential tangle with the authorities was looming.

Past the Eurotunnel terminus and up through the tunnel, then the drop down into Dover, I was definitely getting twitchy! Then we were there, the Dover passenger terminal, and there waiting were Rob, Steve and Den.

"Hi Col, Nena. Everything okay?"

"Yeah she's behaving okay" Col told Den

"What about the coach?" Den and Colin both laughed at that while I turned an unbecoming pink.

Col collected his stuff and climbed off.

"Good trip you two and Nena, keep an eye out for Mr Luvva Luvva here!"

"I will, thanks Colin" I sat myself down as Den started us forward.

"Didn't expect to see you this week Nena?"

"Neither did I, I mean I didn't expect to be here either" you never know who's listening.
 
 
We were waved through immigration and we made our way around to the loading lanes to wait our turn. The other Global buses followed us through and we joined the couple of coaches already waiting. We had a few minutes to kill so Den and I got off to ostensibly check the lockers and restock the beverage supplies.

"So?"

"So what?"

"Why Nena again?"

"This is between us okay?"

"Okay" Den agreed

"Well, Julia sort of made me a bet"

"And you lost?"

"No, no, let me finish. So far I'm winning, if I last the tour out as Nena, I get er, I get Jules"

"You get Jules what?"

"No that's it. I get Jules"

"Phewee! Some bet!"

"Yeah, well I haven't won yet"

"We'll have to make sure you do then, looks like we're ready to load"
 
 
Unlike last time, the Channel crossing marked the end of the Global convoy this week. Den and I will be heading east, Steve and Mandy south while Rob and my other half head down the French coast. As usual we met in the drivers lounge, at least this time I wasn't wearing an attention grabbing leather minidress!

"So this is it then Chris" Jules mentioned as we relaxed after eating.

"Guess so" I agreed

"You'll be fine girl!" Mandy jollied

"I hope so"

"What can go wrong? No one gives you a second look"

"Well except for those lorry drivers over there" Julia pointed out

"That's all I need"

"Den'll look after you" Mandy added

"I hate to say it Chris but frankly you make a pretty good girl, bit flat on top but I can hardly shout" Jules told me.

"That's not something I really want to hear, and anyway you've got enough for me"

"How sweet!" Mand opined

Half an hour later it was time for farewells as we waited to berth.

"Ring when you get there Nena"

"I'll try to remember"

"Come here"

We all three hugged, the fact that no one took any notice of such a display no longer surprised me. As Nena new avenues and levels of behavior are required and public shows of affection are just one such.
 
 
French immigration waved us through and minutes later we turned onto the Dunkirk bound motorway and the start of our six-hour drive to our Rhineside destination, Andernach. I think I've mentioned before that this transit route is BORING! The best part really is that we are in resort tonight, no second days travel just to get there. I wouldn't swap with Mandy; they've got a long slog tomorrow and even then won't arrive till late evening.

I did the tea run every hour or so, just to break the monotony, we were headed towards Liege when the coach phone went off.

"Hello?"

"Who's that?" it was Roger back at the depot

"Nena, do you want Dennis?"

"No it's you I'm after. Er I don't know how to say this. We've just found your suitcase here at the depot"

"But I put it in the locker myself!"

"Sorry Nena, seems one of the mechanics had to empty the crew compartment to change a fuse for the toilet, your case got missed when he reloaded."
 
 
What is it with me and cases?

"You still there Nena?"

"Er yes"

"Look I can't apologise enough. If you can last until tomorrow night, Bill is going to drive over with it, about time one of us checked up on you people" he joked, "in the meantime if you need anything sooner get it out of your float and we'll sort it out later okay?"

"Thank you Roger, I'm sure I can survive that long"

"Sorry again Nena, have a good trip"

"What've they done now?" Den asked as I replaced the handset

"Managed to leave my case at the depot, Bill is bringing it over tomorrow, he's joining the tour"

"Just what we need! You okay clothes wise?"

"Well I've got a change of underwear and I guess I can recycle this stuff for tomorrow"

Den checked the time, just coming up to four.

"Hmm"

"What?"

"You'll see" he advised.
 
 
We drove on for a while then Den turned off of the motorway.

"Where are we off to now?"

"There's a hypermarket just down here"

"What do we want a hypermarket for?"

"Get you some clothes"

"I don't need any, and what about this lot?" I indicated our passengers

"Course you need clothes, you don't want to walk round all day tomorrow in that get up do you? We'll stop here instead of the services, there's a restaurant and toilets for the passengers"

"Whatever Den, but I don't need anything"

"Some girl you are!"

"Alright, I give in"
 
 
We arrived at the huge yellow shed that served as store, restaurant and plant nursery just moments later. After pointing the punters in the right direction for the restaurant with an admonishment to be back in thirty minutes, I left Den and headed into the store. I could have done without this excursion but at least this place is pretty anonymous - and cheap!

Den was actually right; this damn uniform is not something you want to be wearing too much! I headed towards the clothing department then realised the other restriction in these places, lack of choice. I scanned the selection and found nothing that I could envision me wearing, ah well. I was ready to admit defeat when I spotted a clearance rail with some more likely garments. After quick peruse I found a pale denim skirt, nearly knee length with some embroidery near the hem. Okay, now then what about on top?
 
 
I got back to the bus a step behind the last passengers clutching my purchases and sucking on a pear. I did the passenger count and sat in my seat.

"Okay Nena?"

"All present" we set off, next stop the hotel.

"You get everything?"

"Enough for tomorrow. Thanks Den, I would have just struggled on"

"I said last week that I'd keep an eye on you, and if you want to win the bet?"

"Like I said, thanks"
 
 
We soon rejoined the eastbound motorway and as afternoon changed to evening we crossed into Germany. The kilometres slipped under wheel and Aachen, Dá¼ren then Bonn all fell behind as we now turned south into the golden light of the evening. Signs for several of this week's destinations beckoned but we stayed true to the E31 over the Ahrtalbrá¼cke into the Hohe Eifel.

"Here we are" Den mentioned as the Autobahn took a sweeping left turn. Less than ten kilometres to our destination. Taking the next exit we headed toward the still hidden Rhine or more correctly, Rhein. The less than lovely surroundings of Andernach's industrial zone loomed about us as Den navigated us in towards the river. Almost without warning we were on the riverfront and our customers got their first Rhenish view. Moment's later Den set the handbrake outside of the Hotel Vulkan-Eifel, our home for the next week.

The Vulkan-Eifel is one of those rare things, a modern but privately owned and run hotel. The Krefeld family opened their first hostelry in 1910, the current building dates from the mid eighties, nothing like Ingrid's place in Seefeld! I went inside to book us in, we don't stop here that often but Margrit Krefeld has an uncanny knack for names & faces!

Margrit, thirty something and business like, met me in reception.

"You are with Global?"

Here goes nothing!

"Ja, ich heiáŸe Nena" I offered my hand

"Deutsche?" she asked taking the proffered appendage.

"Ja"

"Wilkommen, Nena. Ich bin Margrit. Wo ist Chris?" see what I mean! I gave her the 'cover' story, which she accepted without question.
 
 
The paperwork was sorted out while she started to chat away like an old friend rather than the businesslike start to our meeting. Somehow she extracted more information than I really wanted to give her but as far as she was concerned, I was Nena Ziegler. Phew!

By the time I returned to the bus Den had most of the cases off and the passengers were chomping at the bit.

"Hello everyone, Frau Krefeld is waiting in reception for you. If you go inside she will give you your room key; it will be a card? Yes card. You keep this for the week; it will open the side door if you are out late also. Dinner will be at twenty hours, er eight o'clock in the restaurant. Tomorrow we have a half day trip we depart at elf Uhr, sorry eleven o'clock, breakfast is from eight until nine thirty. Have a nice evening"

I stood down to do the step thing, a nearly full coach takes for ever to unload!

"How'd it go with Margrit?" Den asked as we collected our stuff together.

"Well she seemed to accept Nena, I just hope I can keep it up"

"That's when you get back" Den joked

"You know what I mean!"

"Keep your hair on!"
 
 
I followed Den back inside, with her usual efficiency; Margrit had already cleared the passengers.

"Dennis!" she gave him a hug over the counter.

"Margrit. Hans okay"

She rolled her eyes, "Hans! Always off with his guns! Ja he's fine. Here, I've put you two in the annex, you get some peace from the passengers, yes?"

"Fine" Den replied

"You know the way Dennis?"

"Back outside, hundred metres to the left"

"Ja, see you later"

I was glad to only have one carrier bag and my shoulder bag, Den didn't complain but by the time we got to the 'Alte Hotel Post' he was obviously straining a bit! For annex read old and no lift! Now Den started cursing as he negotiated the narrow stairway up to the second floor where our rooms were situated.
 
 
"Here we are, 203 for you and 205 for me"

"'Bout ten to eight?" Den asked

"Guess so"

"See you in a bit then"
 
 
I slipped into my room and collapsed onto the bed, kicking off my strappy sandals before stripping to my underwear. I shook my head, my underwear, bra, tights and panties, whatever happened to just a pair of boxers? I walked over to the heavily netted window, no stunning views here just a few cars darting past, a group of youngsters doing the teenager bit over in the little park, the double glazing successful in keeping most of the noise outside. Ah well, shower, dress dinner, I'm here now.
 
 
Then it occurred to me, I know what I get for winning but what about if I fail. Not that I'm going to. What does Jules get out of this? I'll have to ask her when I ring, after my shower.
 
 

---

 
Maddy Bell 28.03.04  © 2004
Photos  © Maddy Bell 2001,2002
 
 
End of Part 1
 
 
To Be Continued...

---

 

Nena: Book 2 - Das Ist Normal

 
 

---

 
Part 3
 

This outfit was at least comfortable!

Well there's one good thing when your wardrobe consists of one change of clothes, deciding what to wear is easy! It wasn't the classiest of outfits and the skirt was shorter on than it seemed in the hypermarket. On the other hand it was comfortable and the long sleeved T was just dressy enough. I finished off with a pair of tights and the cheapo sandals that I bought and after brushing my hair I was ready! "You ready in there?" Den called through the door. "As I'll ever be" I replied opening the door, "will I do?" He shook his head, "you look fine, in fact I'll go as far as to say you look far too good for a guy dressing up as a girl" I blushed something chronic. "Come on, let's go eat" "Money on it being veal" "Do you think I'm daft? I've never not had veal the first night here!"     We headed outside; the almost soundless view from my window now had sound and smell effects! The clack, clack, clack of a skateboard being propelled over the cobbles was temporarily drowned by a Golf Gti driver trying to impress the kids in the park, the smell of yeast from the bakery mingled with a slight ozone from the river.

I know I said a few minutes back that the skirt was comfortable but I wasn't particularly - comfortable that is. In fact I was feeling a bit exposed walking along the street, I was glad to have Den with me. Maybe it's just me, but last week in Seefeld I was more relaxed, perhaps it's the urban environment, all I know is that I never felt like this as Chris, as myself that is!

"You were right" Den mentioned as we walked through the Vulkan-Eifel's reception. There on the blackboard was tonight's menu, Kalbfleisch, Erbsen, Rotkohl and Kartoffeln, that's veal, peas, red cabbage and potatoes to you and me.

"Ah Nena, há¤Sie vielleicht einen Moment bitte?" Frau Krefeld called over

(I'll translate this bit for you!)

"Sure Margrit, what can I do for you?"

Den was hovering by the restaurant door while he waited.

"Do you want me to book the train for you?"

I must have looked at her dumbly as she went on, "for tomorrow, the Vulkan-Express?"

It clicked then.

"Isn't it a bit late, I was planning on just turning up"

"It's no trouble, I know Gerhard Bauer in the ticket office, I can ring him at home. If you just turn up you might not get on, it's a steam day, and it gets very busy"

"I never thought of that, in that case, yes please!"

"You are going for the eleven forty five?"

"Yes, we're leaving at eleven"

"That should be fine, I call Gerhard now and sort it out"

"Thank you so much Margrit, that would have been so embarrassing!"

"You'd best take Den into supper, he's looking a bit anxious over there."

I looked over, yep! He looked like he was waiting for a first date!

"Thanks again"

"It's no trouble dear"

I walked over to the waiting figure of Den.

"What was all that about?"

"Sorting out the train for tomorrow" this is well weird; I'm putting on a phony German accent to talk English to Den after speaking in pretty well unaccented German to Margrit! But you never know who's listening.

Unlike most tourist hotels, the Vulkan runs a self service buffet arrangement for all the meals, everyone gets what they want and after a couple of days nearly everyone ends up taking much smaller portions! Most of our passengers were already eating the main course; just one or two late arrivals like us were queuing for soup.
 
 
"Can I have your attention? Just for a minute" Den started much to my surprise, "We forgot to tell you earlier, in the morning after breakfast, Nena and myself will be taking bookings for this weeks excursions, there'll be a list on the blackboard in the morning. If you want to go on any of the trips come and see us in reception, again our apologies, enjoy your meals"

"I feel like a right plonker" I hissed to Den when he joined me at the soup tureen.

"I only remembered when you said about the train"

I realised he was waiting for me to serve his soup, oh the delights of womanhood!

"Don't think I'm doing this all week"

"Oh! Sorry Chr.. Nena"

"I'll let you off this time"

"So you got there in one piece?" I asked Jules a couple of hours later

"Yeah, we arrived about twenty minutes ago" Julia replied

"Well I'm glad some one's had a trouble free day, even if it has been a long one"

"I take it you didn't?"

"Two words, missing and case"

"A passengers? That happened to me back in April"

"Nope, mine!"

"How? I saw you put it in the locker myself"

"Apparently one of the fitters had to take everything out to fix a fuse or something. Everything went back bar the case of yours truly"

"No! What are you gonna do for clothes?"

"Bill's coming out to join the tour tomorrow, he's bringing my case with him"

"What about tomorrow, I suppose you'll have to wear your uniform"

"No, Den stopped at a hypermarket near Liege so I got a skirt and top to tide me over, the forecast is hot and sultry over here up until Tuesday at least."

"Huh, it's raining here. I think I'll let you buy my clothes from now on, you're getting a dab hand at buying women's stuff"

"Like I want to!"

"Oh come on Chris, I was only jesting"

"I know"

"But you have to admit, last time you ended up buying a couple of dresses that you didn't strictly need"

That was true enough I suppose, still the Italian leather one, hmmmm that feels so good to wear.
 
 
"Chris! Chris! Are you still there?"

"Oh sorry Jules, just thinking"

"Blondes! You're all the same!"

"I resent that and anyway you're blonde too"

"Your point?"

"I, a, you've got me there, I don't have a point"

"No you have two sticking out from your chest!"

"Enough! I'll speak to you tomorrow"

"Night Nena"

"Night Jules"

Den stood back and admired his handywork. "There's no 'e' in Ná¼rburgring" I mentioned He carefully rubbed the offending letter out. "Come on lets get some breakfast Miss no it all!" "Humph!" I got my breakfast; rye bread, ham and cheese, then set myself up in reception to book the excursions. Den brought me a coffee through then departed to go wash our transport. Over the next couple of hours I had a steady stream of punters, I think just about everyone on the bus booked to go to Trier, and maybe half a dozen missed each of the other two optionals. One of the kitchen girls brought me more coffee about ten thirty and Den rejoined me soon after.

"How we doing?"

"I think I've seen almost everyone, looks like a full bus most of the week"

"No slacking then"

"Nope!"

"Ah Nena" Margrit mentioned coming into reception.

"Oh hi Margrit"

"I spoke with Gerhard, he expects you about eleven thirty. If you go to the Fahrkartenschalter to pay, he will give you your tickets. You have a special price I think."

"Thank you so much, it would have been a disaster huh?"

"Ja, but we are sorted now yes?"

"Yes."

"You need to shake a leg Nena" Den mentioned as he headed outside.

"Damn!" I gathered my papers and cash box together and headed out to Den and the waiting bus. The day looked like it was going to stay dry so at least something was going okay! A quick head count confirmed a full contingent of holidaymakers, so with a nod to Den, we set off for the day. As I'd already seen everyone this morning, I missed the good morning routine and went straight into the 'bus walk'. The ride up to Brohl only took ten minutes and Den pulled our bus up behind a German coach, thank you Margrit!

"If you can make your way up to the platform, I will find out about our reservation"

"I'll see you at the top then" Den mentioned as I collected my bag from the dash.

"I guess so, don't get lost"

"Me?"

I gave him a pained look before heading towards the station myself.
 
 
Gerhard had indeed arranged a special price and reserved the fifth carriage for our exclusive use. I had to rescue some of my charges who were examining our motive unit, a small steam locomotive which hissed and spat as it waited for our departure.

I'd barely found myself a slatted perch when a shrill whistle announced our departure. The little train creaked and groaned as the slack was taken up then we were off. There was a lively chatter from my passengers as we moved beneath the trees, picking up speed as our transport started the long climb up the Brohlbach. We were quickly joined by the road up the valley, our companion all the way up to Niederzissen.

We chuffed along past the Tá¶nnisstein monastic brewery, over the level crossing and up to a brief halt at Burgbrohl. Some of the men went out onto the balcony to experience the noise and sulphurous smoke as we trundled along. There was a clanking at the doorway that heralded the arrival of the refreshments trolley! I could have killed a beer but I settled for a bottle of Apfelsaft, much more Nena! What am I thinking?
 
 
Under the motorway, we were approaching the mid point of the journey, a gust of wind managed to redirect a cloud of sooty smoke into our carriage that had us all choking for a moment. We ground to a halt in the station; I took the opportunity to check on my charges.

Being a veteran traveler on this line, I've done it once before, I knew that we lost the steam engine here, the last, much steeper leg uses diesel engines, and the change would take about ten minutes. A lot of passengers got off to watch and I had to keep tabs on my people. Finally the change was done and I ushered my wayward charges back on board for the final haul up to Engeln.

Slowly our little train chugged along through the trees, the tower of Burg Olbrá¼ck presenting itself as the focus of our attention. For a second time I vowed to get up here to visit the impressive ruin. The line moved into the steep sided confines of the upper valley, channeling a nauseating stench of diesel back to us. The road appeared down below us as we started the final assault on the summit! I spotted Den and the coach parked at the top and a little over an hour after leaving the Rhein we pulled into the upper terminus of Engeln or by my translation, Angel.

"Please, can you go to the coach at ten minutes." I asked my happy crew, "we have a short drive to our ná¤chste halt."

Last time I was here we lost half the bus for nearly an hour. I didn't really expect them to get over to Den in ten minutes, food, toilets and the Vulkanpark would all delay them but hopefully we'd get away in about half an hour.

"Good trip?" Den asked

"Well I don't think I lost anyone"

"Ice-cream?"

"Please, it was warm on there"

"Maybe I'll get to give it a go some time, I always miss out on the train rides" he stated before ordering my ice from the kiosk.
 
 
The bit of cloud cover was gone and the clearing breeze ruffled the hem of my skirt and sent a chill up my exposed legs. We were finally all loaded by twenty past one and after a head count we set off in our lovely air conditioned splendor. Den headed us up through the village then we turned back towards the big river. The crater lake of Laacher See and our next stop at Maria Laach monastery took barely ten minutes to reach. Once parked we despatched our charges for two hours and headed for the snack bar for a light lunch.

"You seem a bit quiet" Den offered

"Not really"

"Come on what's biting?" he persisted

"Alright, if you must know it's this whole Nena thing. Back on the train I had a soft drink instead of beer because it was 'more' Nena"

"So?"

"In case you'd forgotten, I'm Chris!" I hissed across the table

"I hadn't, but what's the big deal? So you passed up a beer, so what"

"It's not just that" I spat, "at breakfast I didn't have my usual plateful, just one roll. Anyone would think I'm on a diet!"

"So missing a drink and eating less means?"

"I don't know." I admitted, "I just seem to be becoming Nena more and more."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"Maybe, oh I don't know!"

"Look Chris, you look like a woman, walk like one and that's what everyone sees, a good looking woman. Why is it so strange that you feel the need to act more like a woman? Boss man will be there when we get back; he'll be expecting you to be awkward and unsure of yourself. So snap out of it, eat your wá¼rst and show him how good you are."

"Good?"

"Yes Miss Ziegler, good. In fact whichever way you're dressed you are the best host on Global, the others know it, management know it, it's just you that seeks perfection"

Well that's me told!
 
 
Our passengers started to trickle back and at three thirty we pulled away for the short drive back across to Andernach.
 
 

---

 
Maddy Bell 11.04.04  © 2004
Photos  © Maddy Bell 2001,2002
 
 
End of Part 3
 
 
To Be Continued...

---

 

Nena: Book 2 - Das Ist Normal

 
 

---

 
Part 4
 
Bill was waiting in reception for us. Den's outburst at Maria Laach had kept me quiet for the short drive around the lake and down to Andernach, Bill was really the last person I wanted to see right now!

"I see you have everything under control Chr.. Nena"

"I guess"

"Good day? It was the train trip wasn't it?"

"Yeah"

"Hi Bill!" Den greeted our employer as he arrived after parking the coach up.

"Okay Den, how's our girl doing then?"

This was embarrassing.

"I've er got to go, you know"

"Oh sure, your case is in your room. See you at dinner" Bill dismissed me

"Er yeah, see you later, Den"

"Seven o'clock Nena"

I beat my retreat and headed for the annex and a shower. I don't need this! I never realised before but Bill was showing all the signs of being a male chauvinist pig! And I'm stuck with him on my tour! I chuntered to myself as I walked along the street so I didn't notice that I was being watched by the youths gathered over in the little park.

I was still muttering when I got out of the shower. Ah well, I'm stuck here as Nena now, no point in bitching about it. I opened my case and surveyed the contents. Jeez! Skirts, bras, tights. I decided I'd better unpack so I skittered about wrapped in a towel hanging and folding 'my' wardrobe for the week.

I settled on a skirt with a flowery ruffled hem and a sort of gypsy top. I stood in front of the mirror and surveyed my image, looking back was a sullen looking young woman, not a bloke in drag, definitely female. Sure her chest was not sporting huge breasts but they looked real enough.

I sighed. It seemed like fun last time and I know that it was my fault I was stood here now but at this moment, happy I was not! I sat down and pulled a pair of tights on and found a suitable pair of shoes and slipped them on. I glanced at the clock, five thirty, and decided to go for a walk before dinner. I returned to the mirror and brushed my hair out, damn I look even more girly now! I added some lippy and there was no doubt now, looking back from the mirror was Nena Ziegler.

I gazed at the sassy outfit!

Grabbing 'my' handbag and jacket, I left for my walk. The early evening was still bright and warm but I slipped the jacket on to save carrying it and headed towards the pedestrianised center of the town. I smiled to myself, who would have thought a fortnight ago that I'd be here now, walking around Germany like this! I found myself drawn to the shoe shops and boutiques; damn that outfit in Orsay looks well sassy! I lined my reflection up with the mannequin and imagined myself wearing the outfit. What am I thinking? I moved on and found myself walking towards the mighty Rhein, flowing past the manicured gardens of Andernach's waterfront. The riverside breeze brushed my skirt against my nylon-clad legs as I walked along towards the old crane. Several skaters and bike riders passed me and we exchanged greetings. I lent against the railings contemplating life but the church bells roused me. Damn! I should be back at the hotel now!

As myself I would have legged it and been there in about five minutes, dressed as I am that is not an option! I headed back towards the town, impatiently waiting at the crossing for the traffic to stop before heading through the arch into the walled town. I hurried as best I could in the court shoes and skirt, oblivious to everything around me. Back across the pedestrian zone, nearly there!

So intent on getting to my destination was I that I didn't hear the moped coming up behind me. The first I knew was when I was struck a glancing blow and my bag was dragged from my shoulder.

"Hey!" I screamed as I was dragged along hanging on to my bag.

The youth was a bit unbalanced by this and I doggedly hung on as he finally lost control, released my bag strap and desperately tried to control the bike. I watched in shock as he swerved out into the road to be broad sided by a poor woman in a Passat.

The voice spoke in German.

"Are you okay jung Frau?"

"Er yes, I think so, he...my bag"

"It's okay," the guy told me draping a comforting arm around me.

"Nena!" apparently alerted by the sound of the crash, Den came running up the street from the annex. My Good Samaritan relinquished me to Den and crossed to the crash scene.

"Are you okay? What happened?"

"He, he tried to grab my bag" I pointed at the mangled moped, still shaking badly. A siren dopplered in the distance and it suddenly came to me that this could be serious, the Polizei would want statements and ID and here I am dressed as a girl using someone else's passport!

"I am in deep shit Den"

"Why should you be?"

"Dur!"

"Oh right. Look don't worry, we'll get it sorted out"

"I hope so"
 
 
By now both a police car and ambulance had arrived and considering it was Sunday evening, quite a crowd of gawkers had assembled which the cops were trying to clear. I spotted the Samaritan talking to a policewoman, gesticulating and pointing first at the injured youth then towards me. She jotted something in her notebook then headed towards Den and I.

"You are okay Fraulein?" the familiar question in German

"Yes thank you"

"I need to ask some questions please"

"Okay"

She asked her questions, what happened? what did you see? Well you know the sort of thing.

"Thank you Frau Ziegler, if you can come to the station later, I will take your statement"

"Er okay. Is he hurt badly?"

"Broken leg I think, at least it will keep him out of trouble for a while, drugs you know"

"Thanks"

"See you later"
 
 
Den had been waiting patiently all this time.

"Everything okay?"

"I've got to go and make an official statement but it seems okay so far"

"They'll want ID when you give your statement"

"I know, what am I going to do?"

"For now eat, we'll think of something"

We walked back to the Vulkan-Eifel, where no one was aware of the drama just up the street.

"Ah there you are, everything okay?" Margrit asked as we entered the dining room.

"An accident up the street" Den answered

"A motorbike and car" I offered

"Motorbikes! Is everyone okay?"

"A broken leg"

"Go eat"

"I'm famished!" Den mentioned

Somehow I'd lost my appetite. At least we wouldn't have Bill with us at table; he was deep in conversation with some of the other passengers.

"Sit, I'll get you some food"

"Thanks Den"

"The way you're still shaking you'd spill it before you got back to the table!"

I hadn't noticed till then, but yes I was still shaking a bit. I smiled and waved at a couple of passengers who caught my eye and gratefully slipped into a seat facing out of the room. I was still worried about the statement business and my food when Den delivered it went almost untouched

"I'd best tell Bill," I mentioned as Den polished off my cheesecake.

"Later, I've got an idea"
 
 
An hour later I emerged from the Police station.

"It worked didn't it?" Den stated

"Yes but I hate lying, especially to the police"

"It was only a little lie"

"Yeah well. As I'm not pressing charges that should be the end of it"

"He's got his punishment girl, he'll be out of commission for a while"

"I guess so"

"Come on, let's go get a drink"

We set off back towards the main square in the gathering gloom.

"You never said what you told Bill."

"No I didn't did I" and he didn't again!

Owl, my head hurts! Last night was a blur, I'm sure Den was intentionally getting me sloshed and I let him! I dressed in jeans and T, today is Bonn and Ká¶nigswinter and I've got half an hour to get my breakfast! "Good morning everyone" I put on my best cheerful face to greet the bus and got the expected mumbles in reply. I looked for Bill; he was sitting towards the back and was again deep in conversation with the couple across the aisle. Once Den had us on our way, only a couple of minutes late, I started my bus walk. We set off up the riverside road north through Bad Breisig, Remagen, the sun glinting off the apparently smooth river waters. The road plunged us into the never-ending roadworks north of Bad Godesberg and a little after ten fifteen we pulled up outside the railway station. "Twelve thirty back here please" I advised my charges before they disembarked. "You going in" Den asked when all of our punters were safely heading for Bonn's shopping streets. "No she, he's not" Bill's voice stated, "Someone is going to tell me what last night was all about." Bugger!

Den navigated us around the city center and we finally parked near the Rheinhalle by the river.

"Coffee?" I offered

"Please Chris" Bill allowed

"Den?"

"Tea please"

A few minutes later the inquisition started!
 
 
"Oh boy!" Bill sighed

"So you see why we didn't say anything?" Den pointed out

"How did you know something was up Bill?"

"Come on, it wasn't rocket science! My top driver and host arrive an hour late for dinner and then they hide in a corner. If that wasn't enough, they then disappear straight after eating not to be seen again till this morning. If you'd been a woman I would have assumed an assignation"

"That's hardly fair!" I interjected

"Let me finish, as you aren't female, either my driver is gay or there's another explanation, I assumed the latter"

Chauvinist!

"Thanks for the vote of confidence" Den intoned

"Look, if it affects the tour I need to know. If you two want to get it on that's up to you but I will not have Global involved in anything that will affect business."

"It was an assault on one of your staff!" Den was angry now.

"Calm down Dennis. I'm sorry if I sound like I don't care but you should have told me last night."

"Okay, maybe we should have. It's done now, can we drop it?"

"I suppose so, but Chris"

"NENA!" Den and I chorused. That broke the mood

"Whatever" Bill shook his head.

The alarm went off, time to go collect the punters.
 
 
The drive over the river and down to Ká¶nigswinter took half an hour and we parked up by the railway. There was no way I was staying with the bus here, dinner was calling! I gave the passengers a run down and directions then Bill, Den and I headed for the Drachenfels funicular. It was not a surprise to find most of our passengers waiting for it too.

Once at the top we headed for the restaurant and as it was a pleasant day, sat on the balcony that gives some of the best views over this bit of the Rhein and the Hohe Eifel. There was a heat haze across the distant hills but the volcanic cones that make the Eifel what it is poked up clearly from the forests.

Down on the river ships and barges either sped downstream or struggled up towards Koblenz. As I sat there day dreaming, all thoughts of last night, Nena and work drifted away. The sounds of holidaymakers, the wind tugging at my hair, I relaxed fully for the first time since last Wednesday!

"Nena? You coming?"

"Oh right, er yeah. Where's Bill?"

"Gone back down about ten minutes ago"

"Sorry I wasn't paying attention"

You can see the distant volcanic cones on the horizon from up here.
"Come on, let's go up to the castle"

I gathered my stuff and joined him in the short walk up to the Drachenfels ruins. The same view but more so! The farthest peaks must be over thirty miles away.

"Penny for 'em"

"Oh I was just thinking about life in general"

"That's pretty heavy"

"Not really, last night, before you know, well I found myself imagining wearing this outfit in one of the shops."

"Not a shirt and trousers I take it"

"No where near! That's the thing, it's like when I'm dressed like this, as Nena, well I sort of become Nena. You said it yourself yesterday, I act like a girl, I look like a girl, I sort of become a girl. Is that weird?"

"Probably"

"It's not like I even thought of putting women's clothes on before Austria. I always thought I was quite, I don't know, not butch, manly"

"I think I know what you mean, you were never a he man though"

"I know that but I don't think I looked girly either, did I?"

"Let's go down," he mentioned leading the way.

"Did I?"

"Well maybe not girly, call it soft featured"

"Thanks! I needed that, not!"

"Oh come on Ch..Nena. I never thought you were a poof or anything, I still don't despite appearances. It's hard for me too you know. What Bill said earlier, if you were a woman I would have made a play on you by now"

"Den!"

"Well, I'm only human and even in that outfit you look hot. That leather dress, well it was a struggle!"

"I don't think I want to hear any more"
 
 
We walked back to the tramway in silence, with a short detour to the ladies for me. Ladies. I realised then that I wasn't that bothered now about using the female facilities. What does that mean?

I left Den back at the bus and took a walk down to the river. I watched the car ferry as it made it's way across the busy river, an idea germinated and I walked back up to the coach arriving with enough time for a brew before our cargo returned. I made my suggestion to Den.

"Now that's why you are our best Host"

"Don't you mean Hostess" I joked

The passengers returned and embarrassingly for him, Bill was the last back. Den worked his way down to the riverfront while I checked on our passenger's welfare. We sedately worked our way south through Bad Honnef, Unkel, and Linz am Rhein all the way down to Bad Há¶nningen where we left the main road and threaded our way through to the river for the surprise. The road literally runs into the river and there mid stream was the ferry heading away at the moment.

"You sure about this?" Den asked

"I've seen coaches on here before"

"Okay"
 
 
By now most of the punters were aware that we were stopped and an air of excitement pervaded the coach. Well you don't often cross a river by ferry and not on a coach tour, that's what bridges are for!

Den's reservations were unfounded and the conductor waved us on board without hesitation. We had to wait a few minutes while a huge double container barge made it's way upstream. Then we headed out onto the waters of the Rhein. When you are just a few feet above the water you get a whole new perspective on things. The crossing took barely five minutes, but the coach was buzzing. Up the ramp and onto the west bank and another ten minutes drive returned us to the 'Eifel. Another successful excursion!

---

 
Maddy Bell 11.04.04  © 2004
Photos  © Maddy Bell 2001,2002
 
 
End of Part 4
 
 
To Be Continued...

Pictures of Nena have been generated using Ania's 'Cherie' Fkiss doll on Angy-Chan's template and are Copyright 2004. They are used with permission, if you'd like to see more go to www.acharsi.prv.pl

---

 

Nena: Book 2 - Das Ist Normal

 
 

---

 
Part 5
 
"Stroke of genius!" Bill suggested to Den as we relaxed in the bar when we got back.

"Nena's idea"

"Well young ma, er youngster, you never cease to amaze me"

"It was only a ferry"

"Only a ferry she says. That ferry ride managed to lift a slightly lack-lustre day into a memorable one. That's what we want, memorable days, the punters will come back for more good memories, they don't come back if they don't enjoy it. So that 'only a ferry' was priceless"

"If you say so," I allowed. "Anyway, I'd better go change"

"Me too," Den agreed, "see you later Bill"

I decided to dress up a bit!

I felt better this evening so I made a bit of effort in getting dressed. Jules had managed to sneak a fair bit of 'extra' stuff into my case including this little number. Hey if everyone sees me as a girl, I might as well dress like one! Six more days and I'm done with dresses and I get my own personal slave girl to boot! The phone rang. "Jules, just thinking about you" "Oh yeah?" "I'm looking forward to the next month that's all" "I think I want proof that you're dressed!" "Sheesh! Well I suppose that's fair; I'll get Den to take some pictures. So are you okay?" "Look I'll have to go, Den's knocking on the door, love you" "Love you too Nena"

That was some call. Of course she wanted to hear about everything that's happened, life as Nena is certainly never dull! After yesterdays upsets, tonight I was back on form and even felt almost comfortable. As long as I don't have another 'mare I'll be alright.

"Thirty nine, that's everyone" I told Den

"That's good, we get five minutes start" he closed the door and day three started.
 
 
By the time I'd done the morning run up the bus we were on the motorway heading south-ish towards Trier. With a good two-hour drive ahead of us, today is our long excursion. I watched the forecast this morning, it's overcast at the moment but it's gonna be hot later! We had been on the go for forty-five minutes before I thought a tea run was appropriate and the passengers must have thought so too as just about everyone wanted a drink of some sort.

"About half an hour Nena" Den mentioned when I finally got back to my seat.

"We seem to be having a good run"

"Don't speak too soon" Den noted, "we doing the tour today?"

"I reckon so, they can go in the Amphitheater and they can have an hour or so in the center"

"At least we can control things a bit better, we need to leave by two if we're going to do the other stops."

"Margrit is happy to delay dinner if we need her to, I asked last night"

"When does she need to know?"

"About four"

"That's okay, we shouldn't need it though"

"I'd best tell 'em, can we do a drop for any that don't want the tour?"

"I guess so, we can start from the Porta Nigra"

We were now over the Mosel and making our approach to the ancient city. I took the mike and started my preamble.

"Welcome to Trier! To make the most of your visit, we will take you on a quick tour around some of the main points of interest and then you will have about one hour to explore on your own. Do you all want to take the tour; there is no extra charge? If you can raise your hands please"

I did a quick count; everyone was up for our proposed programme.

"No drop offs, we can head straight to the arena" I told Den off mike before continuing my spiel.

As usual, the traffic was nightmarish along the waterfront, which did at least allow the punters to see the river cranes and the Rá¶merbrá¼cke before we turned into the Sá¼dallee.

"Here on the right, we can see one of the cities Rá¶mer, er Roman how do you say, yes Roman baths, this one is the Barbarathermen". The traffic meant that we crept past. At the end of the avenue the traffic cleared some and we were soon parking at the Amphitheater.

"Behind the wall here is Trier's famous Amphitheatre. We will stop for thirty minutes. If you wait a moment I will get you tickets, I will sort out with you after."

I got off the bus into the furnace outside. Sometimes I am glad to be Nena and now was one of them!

There is just no way I could remain looking halfway decent and be comfortable as Chris in this heat. As Nena I can get away with a pretty skimpy outfit and still look smart - and I might as well show off the tan I acquired in Austria! I joined the others in the little shade that the entrance offered. Once inside I acquired myself an ice cream before going for a wander, I've been here a few times and it just fascinates me.

I climbed up into the 'stands' and sat in the shade of the trees to eat my ice cream. The sun was reflecting off the floor of the arena and even dressed as I am, I was feeling the heat. I made my way down into the tunnels that honeycomb the stands before emerging out in the baking arena. I headed for the stairs, which lead down below the floor of the arena into what was originally a holding area for the 'entertainment'!

Not exactly the ritz eh!
Aware that time was short; I headed back to the entrance, taking the opportunity to use the facilities! I waited until all my passengers were at least in the right area before heading back out to where Den was waiting in air-conditioned comfort. We got everyone back on board and resumed our drive by tour.

Down past the impressive remains of the Kaiserthermen baths, then along to the Roman Basilica and the Rote Turm before making our way around to the Porta Nigra. All the way I gave a commentary and by the lack of chatter, I guess it was appreciated. Den made his way to the drop off point behind the museum where we released our ravening charges on an unsuspecting city of Trier. I stayed on board with Den and we retraced our route back to the coach park by the Kaiserthermen.

"You okay today?" Den asked as he locked the coach.

"I guess so, it helps that I know this place pretty well"

"I didn't mean that really"

"Oh this?" I indicated what I was wearing, "yeah, I suppose I'm more relaxed today. You know, we've got about three couples that have done tours with me before, none of them have as much as given me a second glance"

"Like I've said before, they see what they think they see, you told them that you're Nena, Nena is what they see!"

We walked through the Palastgarten and down the steps to the Basilica.

"Where are we eating?" I asked

"Dunno, what do you fancy?"

"No idea"

We crossed over the road and headed towards the market place.

"I'm gonna have to sort these out" I mentioned, the stuffing was getting a bit uncomfortable in this heat.

"Let's eat in the Karstadt, you can sort that out in there" Den grinned, "I don't know how you look that good anyway"

"Socks"

He rolled his eyes and shook his head as we headed towards the Porta Nigra. Socks! Sheesh! It's a wonder I haven't been tumbled, maybe I should take precautions? But what? Something went ding in my head and a plan popped up. We turned into the department store and checked the multilingual store directory.

"You wouldn't get that in Rotherham" Den observed

"I guess not. Er Den, do you want to go up to the Dinea and I'll meet you there in a few minutes?"

"Sure, you want me to get you anything?"

"Coffee and a bit of cake please"

This outfit was at least comfortable!

"There you are, you sorted now?" "Uh huh! What do you think?" "About what?" Men! "My tits" I whispered across the table "They look a bit different, what have you been up to?" "Falsies, I feel a lot better, more relaxed" "You looked okay before" "Well I feel better now" I beamed "Women!" "I'll take that as a compliment"

An hour later I was counting the passengers back onto the bus and by the looks that a couple gave me, my new enhancements were noticed even though I was ostensibly the same size. I chuckled to myself as I recalled the episode in the lingerie department.
 
 
"Can I help?"

"Er yes, I'm a bit, um flat" I motioned to my chest, "all padding, do you have any er, enhancers?"

She smiled sympathetically.

"Of course. I will fetch something. The same size?"

"Er yes please"

She quickly ran a tape around me then disappeared for a couple of minutes, returning with a plain box.

"These should help" she then escorted me to a changing cubicle and went on to explain how to use them to best effect. One satisfied but €100 lighter in the purse!
 
 
"Bernkastel and Cochem?"

"I reckon so," I agreed. At least on the optionals we have a fair degree of discretion! Den got us back on the northbound road and we started the afternoon session. I checked on my customers as we negotiated the Trier traffic, seems everyone had a good time, the Porta Nigra was a definite hit although the Amphitheatre ran a close second!
 
 
We joined the Autobahn for a few kilometers before taking the 50 down to the Mosel. Staying on the north bank we drove round to Kues and over the river to Bernkastel for our first short stop. I know it doesn't sound much but twenty minutes was all we could allow for our punters to have a look around the picturesque center with its half timbered houses and the Michaelsbrunnen fountain.

Once everyone was back on board we set off to follow the river north. The passengers were fascinated by the vineyards up on the slopes to our right. We stayed on the east bank as far as Zeltingen then crossed to follow the outside of the wide sweeping bend in the river. Past ruins, vineyards, pleasure craft, trekkers and numerous small villages, the road follows the Mosel closely and at the twin town of Traben - Trarbach we again swapped river banks.

I started a drinks round as we headed north again, rail line on the opposite bank providing some entertainment as we headed around to the Marienburg loop. I took a break from the tea run to point the castle out on its knife-edge perch overlooking the river on two opposing sides. After Zell I had to repeat the job as we passed under its gaze once again.

Back over the river at Bullay we rejoined the MoselweinstraáŸe for the run up to our next stop at Cochem. Along past the Kloster Stuben ruin and seemingly never ending vineyards, looping first south, then north, east, north before a long westward run to the tourist haven of Cochem. Den got us into the bus station to drop off.

"How long Den?"

"Leave at five, five fifteen, maybe an hour or so back to Andernach?"

"It's four thirty now, I should have rung Margrit by now"

"We'll be back about half six, they can go straight in"

"Okay, make it quarter past"

I quickly advised the passengers that we'd pick them up in forty-five minutes and we jostled with local buses to get back onto the main road. A bunch of longwinded road works and temporary traffic signals later we finally pulled into the riverfront coach park opposite the Bahnhof.

"Tea?" I offered

"Please"

"Coffee for me Nena" oh I forgot to say that Bill had stayed on board this time.

I returned to the front of our bus in short order and sat myself in the open doorway after passing outside my boss and driver's drinks.

"Nice drive" Bill mentioned

"You not been before?" I asked

"Not up the river, last time I was here we dropped off the motorway"

"You need more time really, it's a bit of a rush really" Den pointed out

"Well you pair have made it seem pretty relaxed"

"We try" I put in

"I'm going home tomorrow, from what I've seen of you two, you've got everything pretty well sussed. Chris, you manage to get the balance just right on the commentary and it's uncanny how Den gives the passengers a chance to see what you're talking about. I reckon I could make a fortune if I could bottle you pair."

Praise from the boss! Even if he did call me Chris it's always good to get. What am I saying? I am Chris; it's Nena that's not!

We collected our charges and set off to cover the final kilometers of the rivers route. The road from Cochem up to Koblenz is faster and the addition of the railway line alongside provided further entertainment as we kept pace with the local stopping train. We stayed on the northern bank passing the weinkellers and now shrinking quantities of vines. A last north run with the sun lighting the opposite bank before swinging around to pass under the impressive Moseltalbrucke that carries the A61 Autobahn over the Mosel. A few minutes more driving and we entered the northern suburbs of Koblenz where we picked up the road back up to Andernach, arriving at twenty to seven, enough time for a beer before dinner!

---

 
Maddy Bell 13.04.04  © 2004
Photos  © Maddy Bell 2001,2002
 
 
End of Part 5
 
 
To Be Continued...

Pictures of Nena have been generated using Ania's 'Cherie' Fkiss doll on Angy-Chan's template and are Copyright 2004. They are used with permission, if you'd like to see more go to www.acharsi.prv.pl

---

 

Nena: Book 2 - Das Ist Normal

 
 

---

 
Part 6
 
"So what's on the agenda tomorrow?" asked as we walked back to the 'Alte Post' after a few bevvies with Bill in the hotel bar.

"Dunno." I told Den, "I usually go and see Mika (authors note: say it like meek-ah) if I'm in the area but I can hardly go like this can I?"

"Who's Mika?"

"Oh you've not met have you? She's a friend from college, she's German but she did the tourism course in England to improve her English"

"So why can't you see her then?"

"Think about it"

"Where's she live, this Mika?"

"A little place called Ringen up near Ahrweiler, she works for the tourist board in Bad Neunahr"

Den opened the door with his key and we started up the stairs.

"Well I think you should give her a call at least. Anyway I'll see you in the morning, g'night"

"Night Den"

Urgh! What a day! I kicked my shoes off and lay down on the bed. I suppose Den's right; I should at least phone Mika even if I can't see her.

"Chris! I was just thinking that I hadn't heard from you in a long time!" Mika exclaimed down the phone a few minutes later.

"Yeah sorry"

"So where are you?"

It was out before my brain caught up, "Andernach, the Vulkan Eifel"

"Great! You must come up and see Mama, moment Chris" it went quiet at the other end then I heard 'Chris aus England!' I couldn't hear anything else but she was obviously talking to someone else, 'ja...ja...okay', "sorry Chris that was Mama, do you want to come to dinner maybe tomorrow?"

I'd forgotten about Mama Polch.

"I er"

"What are you doing tomorrow?"

"Er nothing" my big gob!

"Well I finish at three, meet me at work and we can get a drink before we eat. Hang on a second" another muffled conversation with Mama, "Mama says you should bring how do you say Fahrer?"

"Driver?" I offered

"Yes bring your driver along too. That is settled then. Are you and Julia still going out?"

And my opportunity to duck out was gone! She rattled on about this and that for nearly fifteen minutes.

"So I will see you and your friend..."

"Dennis, Den"

"Yes you and Dennis at three"

"Three" I sighed

"Tschá¼ss!"

"Tschá¼ss Mika"

How the hell did I let that happen? Bum, bum, bum! Den, oh bugger, I'd best tell him he's got an invite. I slipped my trainers on and went to find Den.

I rapped on his door.

"Who is it?"

"Nena" well you never know who's listening!

"Hang on a mo" there was a short delay before he opened the door. "Chris, I was just watching some telly"

I followed him inside, closing the door behind me.

"What's up?" he said sitting back on the bed where he could see the telly and me.

"I rang Mika" I told him, plonking myself in a chair

"You didn't come round to tell me that" he stated

"She's invited us over to eat at her mothers"

"And you said no?"

"Erm"

"You agreed didn't you?"

"Well I couldn't get a word in"

"You said invited us?"

"You're instructed to come too"

"Well I wasn't doing anything anyway"

"Den!" I complained

"Oh you didn't tell her about Nena did you?"

"I told you, she could rabbit for England"

"Germany"

"You know what I mean"

"So what are you, us, going to do?"

"Ring and cancel?"

"Don't you dare!"

I sank back into the chair

"Why not?"

"For one you need a break and secondly I want to meet Mika. If she's that good a friend she'll take you however you are"

"I suppose so"

"And you can explain why tomorrow. Ooh!" he winced at something on the telly.

"What are you watching?" I asked craning my neck round

"Some German cop thing, that must hurt!"

The apparent heroes, helicopter cops were brawling with some villains on the roof of the Reichstag in Berlin.

We both chorused "oooh!" as a baddie landed a kick to the pilot's groin. I relocated so I could see better and the pair of us sat glued to the action with me doing a translation from time to time but lets face it most cop dramas can be followed without the sound! Den produced a couple of bottles of beer and we ended up watching some late night comedy cum satire show. I have to admit that some of the jokes were over my head although the audience seemed to enjoy it. I eventually headed back to my room about 12.15.

"Have a good trip Bill" Den offered after breakfast next morning.

"Cheers, I'll see you both on Monday"

Our boss drove off, he'd be home by teatime.

"So what are we doing before we meet your friend at what, three?"

"Yeah three." I agreed, "bit of sightseeing? We could catch the train up to Altenahr"

"Sounds like a plan. You going like that?"

"I guess I ought to put something different on. I'll go and change, meet you downstairs in what?" I checked my watch, "forty minutes, half nine?"

"Half nine then" he agreed

Comfortable and not too revealing, I like it - sort of!!

Once back in my room it was dilemma time! Chris would just go in jeans and maybe a shirt but Nena! I opened the wardrobe and sat looking at my 'meager' choice. I finally decided on one of Jules summer dresses, a sort of greeny blue with flowers all over it. My new breast forms did their work and I ended up with a small cleavage on show! I grabbed my denim jacket, my only Chris wear I've got with me, shrugged it on and checked in the mirror. Well I'd do. "I was just about to come looking for you" "Sorry Den" "Come on then Miss Ziegler, let's go catch a train."     We walked through the town, under the bridge and along to the Bahnhof. I managed to coax some tickets out of the machine and we arrived on the platform just as the northbound Bremen train rolled in. we climbed up into a rather tatty looking carriage and had barely got seated when a whistle sounded, the doors slammed and we slowly moved off.

"We have to change?" Den asked

"At Remagen, it's usually the same platform and the Ahr train waits until this gets in"

"A real connection eh?"

"Not much good if it goes without the passengers"

This particular journey stops everywhere so the twenty K journey lasted nearly twenty minutes.

"Here we go," I mentioned standing to get off

"They've even got MacDonald's here" Den mentioned as we passed the new drive through.

"No ones safe"

The train clanked to a halt and sure enough the Ahrtal train was stood waiting a shiny new thing.

"That's more like it" Den opined as we joined various prams, bikes and other pedestrians getting onto the luxurious new train. The Bremen 'express' clanked away and we settled ourselves in the relative cool of second class. 10.12 on the dot the doors hissed shut and our transport revved up and started the almost hour long ride up the valley.

I took my jacket off; the sun was hot through the window despite the tinted glass. Under the motorway bridge and on past our rendezvous this afternoon at Bad Neuenahr, around Ahrweiler and into the vineyards of Dernau and Mayscho០before climbing through the gorge and tunnel into Altenahr.

"This is us" I told Den as we pulled to a stop.

Once on the platform of the unimpressive station I turned to Den

"Welcome to the playground of the Ahr!"

"Does this playground have a café, its eleven o'clock and I need coffee" Den retorted.

What can I tell you? We got a coffee along by the cable car run before riding it up the hillside. Den decided he needed a Currywurst from the snack bar by the bridge before we headed through the 'town' to tackle the climb up to the Ahrburg ruins high above the town. Let me tell you, strappy sandals are not great for climbing mountains! We finally reached the top and I gratefully collapsed onto a bench with a view over the gorge while Den went to explore. Jeez, how girly can I get!

You can just see me standing by the bench!

I'd been sat for a while when Den came over.

"You okay kid?"

"Er, oh yeah. Just not looking forward to going back down wearing these, I'll never mock women complaining about wearing heels again!"

"Well I'm done, shall we start down?"

I'm not sure who was the more embarrassed by the time we got back down to the town, Den or me! I ended up doing the damsel in distress bit, hanging like grim death to Den's arm to avoid going, how can I put it? Arse over tit! We made our way back to the station and more by luck than design arrived just as the down train pulled in.

"We going straight to meet your friend?"

"It's only one fifteen, lets have a look round the old town first"

"Old town?"

"Ahrweiler"

"Right okay. So you decided how to handle this?"

"Not really"

"Well you'd better come up with something soon"

"I know, I don't suppose I could wimp out?"

"No I don't suppose you could. Is this us?"

"Ahrweiler Mitte, yep it'll do"

To be honest there's not a great deal to Ahrweiler. A couple of shopping streets, the town wall and not a great deal else! It's fairly pretty though and Den put his camera to use.

"Can you do me a favour Den?"

"What?"

"Well I, erm"

"Spit it out"

"Well Jules wants a picture or two of me as proof that I'm keeping to my end of the deal"

"Is that all? Stand over by the railings then"

You can just see me standing by the bench!

Well no one said I take a good picture and he caught me before I was ready!

"What we doing now then?"

"Well if we walk along the river we go almost straight to the Tourist office"

"Walk along the river it is then."

We negotiated our way to the south gate, pausing only to buy ice creams on the way. The riverside path was quite busy with bikes; skaters and people just out for a stroll. The trees offered welcome shade from the afternoon sun and I felt quite relaxed as we strolled along. It was further than I recalled but Den didn't complain as he took pictures of the ducks and several seemingly uninterested herons fishing the burbling waters of the Ahr.

Along the way I formulated a plan and Den, despite some reservations, agreed to go with it. Finally we arrived outside the tourist office.

"I'll wait over here" I indicated a bench half hidden in the greenery.

"What's the name again?"

"Polch, Mika Polch"

"Okay then, see you in a minute or two."

I plonked down onto the bench and watched the bathers over in the spa, oblivious as they were to me outside. Then I heard Den's voice.

"...Said he'd meet us here"

Then the pair of them appeared.

"Best wait on the seat I suppose" Den suggested

Mika glanced over and I watched as her face went from disinterest to puzzlement to recognition!

"Chris?"

"Er hi Mika" I never could fool that girl!

She looked me over with an appraising eye.

"What is this Chris? A joke?"

"I think you two need to talk" Den broke the spell.

"Yes I think me and this girl need to chat" Mika agreed

"Shall I lose myself?"

"Oh sorry Dennis I am so rude." She fumbled in her bag a moment then went on, "you should have a look at the spa and the Kursaal, take this pass, it will give you entry." She gave Den the card

"How long?"

"An hour back here Den?" I reckoned it would be over by then and we could easily head back to Andernach for dinner.

"Okay then, see you girls in an hour"

"I think I need coffee," Mika mentioned

"Sounds good," I agreed following a very confused Mika along the road to one of the new coffee bars that have recently sprung up.

 
 
Half an hour later and a still unbelieving Mika was still shaking her head.

"So you agreed to this, this masquerade for the bet?"

"I guess so"

"Well I have to say you look good"

"You're the first you know"

"First?"

"Yep, the first to recognize me since I started all this Nena guff, what gave me away?"

"Actually nothing did. Your friend seemed pretty insistent that we sit on that bench and I thought there was something fishy going on. So I took a guess. And then when you spoke I recognized that little crinkle you get here" she pointed to the corner of her eye, then I knew."

"Well I guess I should go find Den so we can get back for dinner"

"Get back? For why?"

"Well I guess the dinner invite is off"

"Of course not! I'll ring mother and explain so she is not surprised, she has been cooking all day!"

No discreet retreat then. We walked back to Mika's office, she went inside to make the call and I waited for Den.

"So we sorted now? I suppose we could eat in the town rather than the hotel"

"What and disappoint old Mother Polch? No, we're still eating with Mika and her Mum"

"Goodnight!"

"See you Friday Nena"

"Night Mika" Den put in.

We waved until Mika's old Golf was out of sight then Den got the door and we went up to our respective rooms.

Boy! What an evening. My attire didn't faze Frau Polch in the least; it was so 'liberating' not having to pretend to be Nena. I was Chris, no worrying about what I said or pretending to be German. No tonight I was me, me in a dress, but me nevertheless!

Den had a good time too, Fr. Polch is a fair ole cook and she'd done us proud with a traditional meal of onion soup followed by pork with creamed potatoes, home made sauerkraut and red cabbage. Afterwards she had a pair of willing tasters for her homemade schnapps, I never knew there were so many different types. By the time we left Den and Maria were like best buddies - the drink crossing the language barrier.
 
 
On the drive back to the hotel, Mika insisted that I join her and her colleagues for their usual Thursday night out. Softened by the alcohol and Dens urging I agreed as long as I could be Nena. I told you I was half cut!

Brring! Brring!........ Brring! Brring!

I stumbled across the room to find the phone.

I'm afraid I was more than a little the worse for drink!

"Hello?" "Is that you Chris?" "Jules! You missed a great parteee!" I sang collapsing onto the bed. "You're drunk!" "Am not. Well maybe a bit. We had a party, me an Mika an Maria an Den" "Who's Maria?" "Mika's Mum of course." I stopped and stared at my now nylon clad legs. When did I put them on? "Chris?" "I'm wearing tights," I told Julia

"God! I'm not gonna get any sense out of you tonight, I'll ring tomorrow"

"Can't"

"Why not?"

"Out with Mika, no that's not tomorrow. It's Friday, oh I remember"

"Remember what?"

"I put my tights on coz it was getting cold"

"Chris Hornby! Ring me when you're sober!"

"Okay, bye bye"

"Night Chris" she sounded a bit p'ed at me.

---

 
Maddy Bell 15.04.04  © 2004
Photos  © Maddy Bell 2001,2002
 
 
End of Part 6
 
 
To Be Continued...

Pictures of Nena have been generated using Ania's 'Cherie' Fkiss doll on Angy-Chan's template and are Copyright 2004. They are used with permission, if you'd like to see more go to www.acharsi.prv.pl

---

 

Nena: Book 2 - Das Ist Normal

 
 

---

 
Part 7
 

"Urgh!" I managed through my pillow next morning as I grappled with the alarm clock doing it's best to shake my brain loose. A shower woke me up and a couple of aspirin eased my throbbing head, damn that schnapps! I decided on my favourite dress, how can I have a favourite? Okay whatever, I pulled my Italian leather dress on, did up the side zip and admired my reflection.

Hmm, not bad if I do say so myself! Maybe I should wear tights? I fished around in my lingerie draw and found a fresh pair, which I soon had in place, yep that looks a bit more professional. I am never drinking again!

Today I have to earn my keep a bit more, it's a driving tour with several stops and they'll want a bit of spiel at each stop! At least I'd managed to pick Mika's brain before I got too sizzled last night, so we now had an extra stop this morning. At least Den looked sober enough, it wouldn't do to have a pie-eyed driver!

"What does that woman put in that stuff?" Den greeted me.

"Dunno but I still feel rough!"

"Best get some coffee then" he led the way into breakfast where we were greeted by a room full of happy, sober holidaymakers.

What can you do? You get paid to be the life and soul and it's our own fault that we're not firing on all cylinders yet. We managed to get through breakfast okay, the coffee certainly had a sobering effect so that by the time we were ready to load up, we were both in much better fettle!

After their day off yesterday today's optional was well supported, in fact a couple of 'extras' had signed up this morning! It looked like it was going to be another fine day and I looked down the bus at a sea of sunglasses as I did my count.

"All here" I told Den who closed the door ready to depart.

Once we were underway and once more heading north alongside the river I started my usual daily meet and greet of everyone on the bus. Before reaching Remagen we turned into the Ahr valley and sort of retraced our excursion on the train. As we started onto the Ahrweiler transit road I returned to the front and mike in hand, perched on the dash so I was facing the passengers.

"Hello everyone"

"Morning" was the consensus of reply

"I know you enjoyed yourselves yesterday but you have to put up with me and Dennis again today"

That got a bit more response.

"Okay, in a few minutes we have our first stop at Mayscho០the oldest of the Ahr grape growers, how do you say, yes co-operatives. We will have about a forty minute halt, we have a short tour und wine taste, after you can buy your wine in the shop."

The wine tasting venue!

Timed to perfection! Just as promised by Mika there was the winery and by luck the Dutch coach already there was just leaving. I'm not a great fan of this sort of thing but it always goes well with the punters. Den stayed with the bus while I took our customers inside out of the bright sunshine into the cooler, damper atmosphere inside. Well I have to say it was better than some I've done. Our guide explained in good English how the system worked and then took us through some of the working cellar space before finishing in the little museum. Another party was already following us through so we were ushered through to the tasting room where we got to sample both the famous red and lesser-known white vintages in our free souvenir glasses. A great ploy, at least half of my lot bought at least one bottle of their in my opinion, overpriced produce!

I got everyone back on board, did a swift confirmatory head count and we were off again just after eleven. The road up into Altenahr is quite steep and twisty then through the tunnel and we popped out into the town. It looked quite different from the coach, much smaller and we were soon through and approaching Kreuzberg.

Den managed to get us onto the right road, not much more than a lane really. After about six k's we turned up hill and to the passengers delight and Den's cursing made our way around the series of switchbacks taking us up to Effelsberg.

I took the mike, "over to our right in a moment, you will just catch a glimpse of Europe's largest radio telescope" I wasn't kidding, it was a glimpse!

It didn't take a great deal of time to cover the ten kilometers down to Bad Má¼nstereifel, our next stop and lunch break. Following Mika's advice, we took the bypass then turned back into the southern end of the town. We pulled up at the dropping off point a little before twelve.

"We have two hours here people, please be prompt getting back as we can only stop here for ten minutes? The town is through the arch; there are plenty of café's and bars for lunch. Have a good time"

I saw them all off in the right direction before rejoining Den for the short drive back to the coach park. With us there were six coaches at this end of town, it will be busy in the little town! We locked up and started walking back to the town.

"You feeling better now?"

"Much. You?" I asked

"I'll live."

It was obvious when we saw two more coaches dropping off that eating should be scheduled early in this stop and spotting a bakery cum café by the drop off area we decided to give it a try. A good menu was on offer and we both opted for Gulaschsuppe, Den went for coffee and I chanced tea.

"Well the wine cellar was a hit" Den mentioned

"It was quite good actually," I fished my 'free' glass out, "and you get a free glass!"

"Another six visits and you'll have a set!"

"Give over, the passengers like that sort of thing"

"Yeah I know. I hope they enjoy this afternoons entertainment"

"I hope we can get on this time, when I came with Rob there was some sort of club day so we couldn't go round."

Our food chose that moment to arrive and conversation was replaced by feeding our faces! We emerged back into a still warming afternoon decided to have a look at the town before retiring back to the bus.

A typical little German walled town greeted us.

"Well I never" Den was pointing at something vaguely familiar. "Is that what I think it is?" "Sure looks like it!"     Indeed it was, yep here in a quiet little medieval walled town in Germany was an old-fashioned British red telephone box! Den couldn't help himself, the camera was out and he joined the other budding David Bailey's. We walked back up through the town, we spotted several of our passengers in one hostelry, they called out to us, we waved back and continued, stopping occasionally to look in a shop window or at the postcard racks. "What's the 'Rá¶misches Glaswerk'?" Den enquired pointing to a sign as we approached the gateway again. "Roman glass factory? I'm intrigued"

So we followed the sign and found ourselves just by the drop off point in a big stone built building, hot and noisy. I was a bit disappointed; it wasn't a Roman glass factory but a glass blower using Roman techniques. We stood and watched the end of a demonstration session then sagging a bit from the extra heat of the furnace moved next door into the shop.

"I can get something for the missus here, she collects this sort of stuff" Den informed me as we admired the shelves of coloured silica.

"Yeah my mum might like something too" I agreed.

It wasn't all glass; there was some local silver jewellery and even cuckoo clocks on offer. I left Den to look around on his own and became fascinated with the jewellery.

"Kann ich Ihnen helfen?"

"Oh, ich suche ein Geschenk fá¼r meine Freundin Julie"

(I'll translate this bit for you!)

"Have you seen anything in particular?" the assistant asked. She was about fifty and had an infectious smile.

"The ring on the right there" I pointed to it, "but I don't know the size"

She pulled the tray out and passed me the ring.

"It is very nice, your friend is lucky to have such a good friend"

"EVE? Can you sort out this English please, I can't understand" one of the other women called over.

"I won't be a moment"

"That's okay"

She hurried over to the main till area and started to talk to the customer in perfect English with maybe a hint of a Yorkshire accent! I tried the ring on myself, it fitted my third finger perfectly, and I was admiring it there when Eve returned.

"That looks wonderful, you have such pretty hands"

"Er thanks, you speak English well"

"That's because I'm English, from Doncaster"

"I know it, I went to college in Nottingham!"

I swapped to English

"So how did you end up here?"

"My husband, bless 'im, before he died, was a doctor in Euskirchen, I met him hitchhiking in Africa. Now my family is here, I work here part time, you meet such interesting people. Your English is very good"

"I'm Nena by the way. I work as a tour host on English coaches at the moment"

"That explains it."

"Yes?"

"The English here today, we don't get many English here, too far off the beaten track Nena, too far off the beaten track."

"I'll take a chance on the ring size, I'm sure it'll be okay" I told her passing it back.

"There's a matching necklace, I can do you a special price on the pair?"

Well I had seen the necklace before but it was stretching the budget a bit. Eve however was not put off.

"Now lets see, the ring is thirty Euro and the necklace is forty, that's seventy, less forty percent, I can do you the pair for forty two" she beamed at me.

Damn that was tempting! I did a quick calculation, if I get Nena style tips this week, and I reckon I will.

"Done!"

I paid Eve and she wrapped them up.

"There you are Nena"

"Oh hi Den, just finished." I turned back to Eve, "thanks Eve"

"No problem Nena"

"Oh Den, this is Eve, from Doncaster? Eve, Den my driver" I made the introductions.

"Nice to meet you Den, you must bring Nena here back to see me"

"I think my wife will be sending me, she adores this glass stuff"

"Eve?" a call went out

"Have to go, nice meeting you Nena and you Den, teuss"

"Bye" Den replied

"Tschá¼ss" I gave a little wave

"Come on kiddo, its nearly time to pick up the punters"

We walked back out into the now hot afternoon.

"I was going to pop into the bakers, get some cake for later"

"Okay, I'll go bring the bus up then, see you in a few minutes"

Den hurried off up the road and I went into the bakery where we'd eaten a while back. Now if there's one thing I've got a weakness for it's cake and so far this week has been a bit of a washout! I did manage to get a slice of a cheesecake type thing in Bad Neuenahr with Mika yesterday but I'm going into withdrawal! I selected a variety of different offerings and went outside to join my accumulating passengers in waiting for Den and the coach.

For the second trip in a row I didn't have any laggards and so when Den arrived everyone was there waiting. And that phone box was a big hit! Weird or what?

"So how unlikely was that then?" I mentioned to Den as we pulled onto the main road.

"What?"

"Eve back in the glass place"

"Oh right, yeah I guess you wouldn't expect to find someone from England living round here"

We picked up the right road for the 'GroáŸe Eifel-Route' and climbed steadily for several k's before dropping down to the upper reaches of the Ahr. We followed the river through Schuld and Insul before turning south to Adenau. We passed under a road bridge at the top of the town and now inside the famous Ná¼rburgring forked left at the next junction. We emerged, after a steep climb close to our first destination, the road circuit entrance.

We pulled up in the queue for the gates.

By now, most of the coach was aware of where we were and there was a frison of excitement as we pulled around to join the short queue, it looks like our luck's in! Den hopped out and went over to the office to pay and book in and I grabbed the mike.

I waited until Den gave a thumbs up from the office before talking.

"Well ladies and gentlemen, we have a treat for you now, a drive around the famous Ná¼rburgring motor race circuit!" well that really got their attention. "Can you all please make sure you have your seat belts fastened," there was a round of snaps and clunks as the previously ignored lap belts were fastened.

"Okay, five minutes" Den advised handing me a pile of paper, "one for everyone I hope", then stuck a small card in the front windscreen.

I quickly walked the aisle checking belts and handing out the souvenir 'certificates' to everyone. By the time I resumed my seat at the front and buckled in myself, we were at the entry barrier. The bar lifted and we were off!

"Here we go!" Den exclaimed as he gunned the engine into action.

Den was having a great time haring around the circuit!

The coach has a speed limiter, supposedly set at 100kph but the speedo was definitely showing us doing a fair bit beyond that! Den was enjoying himself as he skillfully took the bends. Of course the cars on the circuit left us standing but you don't normally get to drive a coach like this! All too soon we were behind the Grand Prix circuit and Den put his foot down again. I was expecting him to pull off but we sailed straight on for a second lap. He cornered a bit quicker this time round and I could see a huge grin on his face. Men!

We pulled off at the end of the lap and once through the exit barrier, we parked up.

"Now the fun is over, the toilets are inside!" I joked, "seriously we have a few minutes before we have to leave, there is a shop inside and toilets, fifteen minutes please."

They all piled off and then Den insisted on taking a photo of me in front of the bus with our circuit entry number in the windscreen.

"They have coach racing you know?" Den stated

"What? With passengers an' that?"

"No don't be daft, no the company that made Betsy here run it every year, the Setra Grand Prix"

"I'm not sure I'd want to be on one, that was bad enough, I thought we were limited to 100kph?"

"Well we are, but there's a safety allowance, if you floor it you can get an extra twenty on top, the brakes kick in at 125"

The passengers were back, 'Betsy' starred in a few more photos before everyone was back on board and we pulled away from the track. Den took us up through the village to join the main road then started us towards our last stop of the day. I did a quick drinks run; all the takers wanted cold drinks so that was easy. We pulled up in Mayen a bit after four for a forty-five minute stop. Of course I had to point out the twisted church spire, 'just like Chesterfield' and once we'd ushered everyone off I went to make us some tea. I wanted one even if no one else did!

"You know Nena, this is turning into a decent trip"

"What today?"

"Today, yes but the week in full"

"Even with Frau Polch's schnapps and me getting mugged?"

"Well the schnapps wasn't so bad and you weren't hurt or anything"

"I guess so"

"How 'bout you?"

"Well apart from the attempted mugging and drinking too much last night, it's been okay I guess, even if I am wearing women's clothing"

"I'd sort of forgotten about that," Den admitted

"What do you mean forgotten, you can hardly miss the fact that I'm in a dress!"

"Well, I've sort of got used to it you look..."

"Yeah I know, like a woman" I interrupted

"Well you do"

"THANK. YOU."

I pulled my book out and sat on the step to read it.

An hour later we were back at the hotel and I'm afraid I was still giving Den and anyone else who dared speak to me the cold shoulder.
 
 
"Jules?"

"Hmmph! It's you"

"Not you as well, look I'm sorry about last night, it wasn't my fault, honest"

"You were drunk"

"Slightly merry?"

"Drunk!"

"It was Frau Polch's homebrew, Den was a bit out of it too"

"Hmm. Well I suppose you're off the hook. How's it going?"

"Weird. I'm not talking to Den, I'm sat here wondering which dress to wear for dinner and I'm...I'm not a girl!"

"Calm down. Now then, start at the beginning, what happened when you went to see Mika yesterday?"

So I spent the next half an hour getting everything off my chest so to speak.

"If you weren't a bloke I'd say you'd got PMT!"

"Thank you very much!"

"I think you're getting it all out of proportion. Get yourself dressed and go apologise to Den."

"I'm going to cancel tomorrow night"

"Don't you dare! I want to hear all about it on Sunday"

"Okay"

"Love you Chris"

"Me too, not me of course, you, oh you know what I mean!"

She giggled down the phone at me.

"Get on with you, talk to you later"

"Yeah, night"

"Night lover!"

Well I'm still confused but at least I'm in a better mood! Damn, no time for a shower now.
 
 
"You in a better mood now Chris" Den asked cautiously

"Sorry about earlier Den, I don't know what came over me"

"Lets go eat then"

It was that black dress again!

I shrugged into my jacket to walk the short distance up to the main hotel building, I'd decided on the black dress again.     "Ah Nena, I have a message for you" Margrit called over when we got to reception. "Oh right, won't be a minute Den" "I'll get in the queue" "Here you are," Margrit plucked a post-it from the desk, "yes, Mika will pick you up at seven and wear something you can dance in, make sense?" "Yes thanks, we're off for a girls night out tomorrow" "Ah to be young again!" "Hey, it's not all it's cracked up to be!" I joked

After dinner, Den insisted we go out for a drink - no schnapps allowed. So we walked into the main square and joined the other drinkers in one of the pavement bars. A couple of our passengers joined us and we spent a low alcohol, but pleasant evening chatting.
 
 
Friday. A pretty easy day for Den and I, drive to Cologne, dump passengers, mooch around all day, pick up passengers, return to Andernach! We took the Autobahn north and we were in the city just after ten. We pulled up in the shadow of the Dom to unload our cargo of itching to explore tourists. On the drive in from the motorway I'd already given them my spiel and offered advice on what to do and so on so that now it was just fine detail.

"We will pick you up back here at four o'clock. Please be on time, we can only wait here for a few minutes. Have a good day"
 
 
I helped them disembark, most headed straight up the steps that lead to the front of the Cathedral, a few went along towards the tourist info office or maybe MacDonald's almost opposite! Den got us around the block and by half ten we were parking up down by the river.

Days like today can be a nightmare, around five hours to kill.

"Cuppa?" I offered

"Please. We going up into the city later?"

"Yeah, I guess so, we can eat down by the river or there's that Thai place in the Altmarkt." I called down the bus

"You eating before Mika picks you up tonight?"

"She's coming at seven so I guess we'll be eating wherever we're going" I told him returning to the front of the coach.

Den already had his paperwork out so I extricated my book from my bag for a few minutes reading before we head into the city. Not my usual reading matter but Mandy recommended it and it's her copy I've got now. Oh sorry, it's called 'Cat' by Freya North. Strange plot of girl meets boy whilst reporting on the Tour de France, Le Grand Boucle! As I say not a book I'd buy but I must admit that it makes a change from my usual reading matter.
 
 
"We going then?" Den asked

"Eh?" I checked the time, ten past eleven. "I was just getting into this" I waved the book at him.

"We don't have to go now," he offered

"No lets get off"

We walked along the river walk back towards the Bahnhof and Dom. Being another pleasant day I left my jacket on the bus although the thin skirt and sheer top left me feeling a bit exposed!

 
 
We cut up to the Dom then took to the back streets to make our way to the Neumarkt. I always find it easier and quicker going this way; there can be quite a crush of humanity in the shopping zone! We started along the Schildergasse checking out a shop here and there, C&A, even Marks and Spencer have stores along here. Then while Den was looking in a jewelers I found myself glued to the Orsay window display. There was that dress again.

In the right hand display three mannequins displayed what I would describe as clubbing out fits and the other side of the door two more outfits, perhaps a bit more demure occupied the window space. The unifying factor between the two was 'that' dress, albeit in different colours!

My gaze was pulled to the Orsay window display.

I was attracted to that dress like a bee to honey!
 
 
"Don't tell me that you're thinking of buying another frock," Den mentioned as he joined me.

"Well I don't really have anything for tonight, I wasn't exactly planning on a girls night you know"

He rolled his eyes, "Women!" but he followed me inside anyway.

I knew what I was after; I was a girl on a mission!

"Ich wá¼rde gern das Kleid im Schaufenster sehen" I asked the pink haired assistant hovering at the till.

(Author translation!)

"Which one? They're mostly down to the right"

"The sort of," I hesitated. What would you call it? "Er, with the straps and laces?"

"Oh yes that's down there, you need a good figure to wear that", she added

"Thanks"

With Den trailing, I realised that he probably gets a lot of practice at this with his wife; I made my way through the packed rails to a clearer display on a head height shelf above the racks.

"So I take it that conversation means you've seen something then?"

"Well I have to admit that I've got my eye on something, but I'm open to suggestions?"

"Come on then"

I was in and out of more combinations than you could shake a stick at!>

Over the next forty-five minutes I was in and out of more outfits than I care to mention! That looks good, I look fat in that, don't like that, too revealing! And so on. The little changing cubicle looked like a bomb had hit it. I was running Den ragged fetching stuff and the girl looking after the changing facilities was getting a bit uppity as more stuff passed in and out of the little changing room. I'm sure Den was starting to get near the end of his patience when I eventually made my choice, or should I say choices. Jules is going to do well out of me after this trip, that's for sure! "Looks like your buying the place up" "No!" I replied defensively. My decision was actually influenced by the hemlines. The three outfits (two dresses, two tops and that dress!) I decided to buy went from a fairly conservative knee length peasant style to a black Chinese style dress at mid thigh to the short pinafore style thing I started out with! At least I'd have a choice. Thankfully Orsay is not too expensive so I actually only spent seventy Euro. Only! "I'm ready to eat" Den mentioned when we returned to the Schildegasse. "Okay, what are we doing?"

"Dinea?" he suggested.

"Yeah okay"

We walked up towards the huge Karstadt, that plane emerging from the shop front always amuses me. By the time we'd eaten, I'd bought some more tights and Den had purchased some of the famous '4711' cologne for his wife, it was mid afternoon. By mutual consent we headed back down to the river and the bus.

We had to wait a few minutes for one elderly couple at the pick up point, for some reason they thought I said half four. Well that's what they said; funny that everyone else heard four o'clock! For a bit of variety, Den headed us out through Deutz and past the airport and the Frankfurt Autobahn. I took a runner on those over shopped individuals wanting a drink, nearly the whole bus eventually had something before we took exit 36 to drop through the Rhein-Westerwald to Neuweid and our crossing back to the west bank and Andernach.

Five fifteen. Less than two hours before Showtime!

---

 
Maddy Bell 18.04.04  © 2004
Photos  © Maddy Bell 2001,2002
 
 
End of Part 7
 
 
To Be Continued...

Pictures of Nena have been generated using Ania's 'Cherie' Fkiss doll on Angy-Chan's template and are Copyright 2004. They are used with permission, if you'd like to see more go to www.acharsi.prv.pl

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Nena: Book 2 - Das Ist Normal

 
 

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Part 8
 
"So you went for that then?" Den greeted me when I joined him in the hotel bar at quarter to seven.

"Well it just feels right" I replied accepting a pineapple juice, I am not drinking tonight, well maybe just a bit.

"So you know where you're going?"

"Not the foggiest"

A car horn tooted outside.

"That'll be Mika now" I announced grabbing my bag

"Enjoy yourself kiddo, and no sneaking men back to your room!"

"Den!"

"Just kidding. Take care"

I wasn't certain I'd made the right choice, perhaps this is a little too sassy!!

In truth I was feeling more than a little nervous. I mean, here I am Chris Hornby on my way to a night out with a bunch of women only one of which I know and look at what I'm wearing! "Oh wow Nena, you look brilliant!" "It's not too much? I can change" "Stay as you are! Now get in" To my surprise we only drove the half-mile or so to the Bahnhof where Mika parked her jalopy. "So where are we off to?" "Koblenz, we'll catch the train, it's easier than trying to park in town. And I've got a season ticket" she giggled. "What about the others that are going, coming whatever?" "We'll meet them at the restaurant, most of them live in Koblenz or nearby" By the number and dress of the people on the platform waiting, a lot of people were doing the same. I was a bit nervous of the group of teenage Goths but no one else was taking any notice so I did my best to ignore them too. The southbound train arrived and we quickly joined the other passengers on the 'party' express - well that's what I dubbed it. We chatted about our respective days, the effects of Ma Polch's schnapps and my taste in women's clothing and seemingly in minutes we were crossing the Mosel on the approach to Koblenz Bahnhof. Compared to Andernach, Koblenz is a roaring metropolis! We made our way out of the station into the plaza that provides a site for the taxi rank, bus station and Mika informed me, an open-air ice rink!

"Walk?" Mika asked

Well it was still quite mild and I was wearing comfy shoes.

"Okay"

Mika led the way; our arms linked like you often see girlfriends, me in a short dress and my friend in a glittery boob tube and straight leg trousers. I made a mental note of our route but so far it seemed straight forward, straight along Lá¶hrstrasse, over a dual carriageway and then into the pedestrianised shopping.

"Not so far now" Mika observed

"You never said it was a ten mile hike"

"What is this 'ten mile hike'?"

"Sorry, long walk"

"I forgot how far it is from the station, it is only a short way now" we crossed another street and entered what was clearly the home to Koblenz' nightlife. Café's and restaurants spilled onto the street and at different places everything from jazz to disco permeated the airwaves.

We finally turned into a small square and headed for an eatery on the far side.

"Mika!" a woman's voice greeted us

Mika changed to German; I won't be speaking English again tonight!

"Ah Claudia, the others they are not here? Oh sorry, this is Nena, my friend from England"

"Hi Nena, pretty dress"

"Thank you, nice to meet you" Claudia looked to be thirty something and was wearing what could be termed conservative chic, silk blouse and straight cut leather trousers!

"No, Heidi rang to say they'd be a few minutes late"

We sat ourselves down and Mika ordered a couple of cokes for us.

"So what brings you to this neck of the woods Nena? Holiday?"

"Work I'm afraid, I'm a tour host"

"Tonight will be a change from your hotel then eh?"

"Quite a change" she wouldn't know how big however!

"Where do you stay?"

"Andernach, the Vulkan-Eifel"

"Ah you are with Margrit," she observed

"You know her?" Mika asked

"Yes, we went to school together"

"Claudia, Mika!"

The rest of our party chose that moment to arrive. Claudia took charge of the introductions, Susan, Anna, Heidi and Tina. Anna looked to be in her forties but the others at a guess were all late twenties and I was feeling more than a little overdressed! Ah well, too late to do anything about it now.

The restaurant was Italian and provided a decent range of Mediterranean cuisine, I settled on Tagliatelle Carbonara with a salad. By nine thirty we were ready to move on and our gaggle of chattering women, and me, set off for the dance bar. When we got there we had to queue for a few minutes before being admitted to the heaving mass of bodies inside. Remember Seefeld, this place was nothing like that! In here, I was the one who fit in, as we joined gyrating, half dressed girls - and boys on the dance floor.

I was amazed however when everyone started getting on down, even Anna. Hey why not. I'm not going to tell you too much about the evening in the club, other than we danced, we drank, Heidi did karaoke and we all had a good time! I was really enjoying myself and when Mika suggested we should be getting off, I could have happily stayed. We all started walking together but the others spotted the last bus and had to make a dash to catch it, leaving Mika and me alone to get back to the station for our train.

"You fancy a drink Nena, the next train is just after one"

I checked my watch, twenty past twelve.

"Okay then"

We found a quiet bar opposite the Bahnhof and apart from a couple of glasses of wine with the meal, I got my first alcohol of the night. One turned to two, two to three and Mika was getting a bit loud.

"What time's the train Mika?"

"Five past" she mumbled

"Bum! Come on girl we need to run"

"Not running" she stated as I dragged her out the door.

"What's not running? The train?" I asked with just a hint of panic.

"Me"

Oh boy! I should have remembered, she never could drink, she was always a cheap date at college!

I stopped to check the platform.

"Gleis drei, come on Nena"

Me come on? Damn if that clock's right we've missed it. I half dragged Mika up the stairs to the platform and arrived as the guard blew his whistle. Luck was with us though; spotting us he gave us the few seconds we needed to clamber aboard before signaling the driver to go. Am I glad I decided on flat shoes! I got us into the carriage where Mika promptly fell asleep.

"Fahrkarte, bitte" the conductor announced as we re-crossed the Mosel. I located my ticket then started looking for Mika's. Luckily I remembered where she had put it earlier so that was the first place I looked, it wasn't there but the next compartment produced the pass. I wasn't even sure how far we had top go so I was at least keeping an eye out. The train drew to a halt, Urmitz. Not yet then, my hitherto sober friend was still snoring away. Another short journey had us halt at Weissenthurm, I'm sure its not far now.

Sure enough, the next stop was us; I had to half carry Mika off the train.

"We home?" she slurred

"Well Andernach anyway"

"Car. Drive home"

"You're not driving anywhere!" or walking very far in this state!

Luck was with us, a taxi pulled around the corner, I waved and it pulled over. There wasn't much choice really, twenty minutes later I had Mika down to her underwear in my bed and with a 'what the heck' changed myself and climbed in next to her.

A comfortable outfit.

I woke to find Mika snuggled up to me, I just hope Jules doesn't get to hear about this! I left her still snoring lightly while I got myself ready for the day. "What happened?" "Oh you're awake. Three beers apparently" "Ohh! What time is it?" "You're alright, it's only quarter to eight" "Urgh! Did we, you know?" "Course not, now get yourself up and in the shower, you got work today?" "Not till later, eleven" "You can join us for breakfast then" "Thanks Chris" "No sweat, now scoot"

"You ready Nena" Den called through the door.

"Just a minute"

The look on his face when Mika opened the door.

"Morning Dennis"

"Er morning Mika, breakfast?"

 
My sleep mate finally set off home at about nine fifteen after a chat with Margrit. Last day today, just a short excursion down the Rhein and a return to Koblenz for the afternoon. Den still hadn't said anything about Mika staying over; instead I was getting funny looks. The punters started appearing just after Mika's departure so we lost the opportunity to talk for a while longer.

I want passengers like this every trip. Everyone who was booked on today's excursion was on before nine thirty, so we departed a couple of minutes before schedule. We crossed the Rhein to Neuweid and turned to follow the river southwards. I took up the mike to point out the Deutsches Eck as we passed on the opposite bank below Ehrenbreitstein citadel. It took barely another fifteen minutes before we pulled into the coach park at Marksburg Castle above Braubach. (that's the castle at the top of the chapter)

Den decided to join us for the visit and we all headed for the steps up the last stretch to the castle. And no I don't want a repeat of Austria! We waited for our tour guides for a few minutes then we were admitted in two groups a few minutes apart. I'm not hugely into all the history stuff but it was a good tour with stunning views over the river but lots of stairs. It was eleven o'clock when we returned to the gift shop and after collecting everyone; we were back on the bus by quarter past.

The plan is that we lunch at Koblenz but we don't have to go straight there.

"We got time for Loreley Den?" I asked as we started back down to the river.

"Yeah, I think so, we can cross a bit below, and there're several ferries down there"

We rejoined the riverside road and started down through the Rhein Gorge. I made a tea run almost immediately so that when we got down to St. Goarshausen I could relate the Loreley fable to the punters. We watched as a river barge struggled against the strong currents then fell behind our more rapid land transit.

The Kaub ferry wasn't running so we continued as far as Lorch before crossing the river. We slipped through Bacharach, didn't see Bert, then back past the Loreley's choppy waters.

"how about we stop at Boppard for lunch, it'll be about one when we get there. An hour to eat, we'll still be at Koblenz by two thirtyish" Den suggested as we trundled through St. Goar.

"Sounds good to me"

It's turning out to be a bit cooler today even if it is bright, as Den and I walked along the congested waterfront in search of our lunch I was glad of my long sleeves. We finally found a little square with a couple of café/bakery establishments, rather than sit outside, we decided to eat in.

"So, Mika stayed the night then?" Den asked when we'd ordered

"You only said not to sneak men back" I joked. "She was a bit beyond tipsy, we only just made the train back up"

"I thought she picked you up in her car?"

"She did but we left it at the station. There was no way she could have driven last night so she stayed over. And yes we did share the bed, just don't tell Jules huh?"

"Does that mean there's something to tell?"

"Look, she was snoring before I was undressed even, nothing happened"

"Well you don't strike me as a lesbian" he said poker faced.

"Lesbian?" it took a minute, "yeah I guess it would be a bit like that, well for her anyway! You didn't really think?"

"Well no not really but it was a bit of a shock when she opened the door this morning"

"If anything I should be worried, she was acting as though she wakes up every day with a bloke in women's clothing"

"Perhaps she does?"

"Eh?"

"Maybe she has a boyfriend or ex who likes to er" he indicated my outfit.

"Naw, she would have said. Wouldn't she?"

"Well you never know"

Just then our conversation was interrupted by a chorus of squeals and shouting. We both looked towards the open front of the café.

"Flipping heck" Den mentioned

The previously sunny square was now sitting under an incredible deluge; already there were rivers of run off heading downhill. The noise was incredible, the rain bouncing nearly a metre! All the commotion was caused by dozens of people trying to find temporary shelter under awnings and inside the shops. The café's were non plussed as most of the sheltered would spend money, the establishment we were in went from half full to packed in just a couple of minutes!

"Glad we weren't out in that"

"Yeah" I agreed

As quickly as it started the rain stopped, it was like turning off a power shower. The noise ceased and moments later the plaza was once again bathed in sunshine now with thin wisps of steam from the glistening cobbles the only sign of the passing downpour.

The atmosphere in the café immediately lightened and they say the English are fixated with the weather! Just about every conversation in the place was weather dominated, floods, storms, gales, well you get the gist. After all the excitement it was time for us to head back to the bus, I mean it wouldn't do for us to be late!

I reckon someone upstairs was having a giggle and the second squall caught us unawares and in the open of the riverfront! We started to run, but hindered by my skirt I soon dropped behind Den. The rain was down to a few spots when a completely drowned Nena arrived at the bus. When I say I was wet, I mean I could feel that even my knickers were saturated!

"Oh my god!" Den announced as I squelched on board, "hang on I've got a towel here somewhere"

"I think I need more than a towel"

I used the towel to get the worst of the wet out of my hair but I started to shiver as my wet clothing did it's best to make me uncomfortable.

"You need dry clothes"

"Well done Sherlock"

The passengers started to arrive having apparently all missed the downpours; I looked like a drowned rat as I slowly steamed in the now returned sunshine. So I had to explain several times that I hadn't fallen in the river.

"That everyone youth?"

"Yep"

"Lets get to Koblenz and get you something dry to wear"

We quickly covered the twenty kilometers up to our last stop, the heater blasting out which just caused me to steam, where we found a parking bay at the busy tourist honey pot of the Deutsches Eck. Den suggested that we could stay until five thirty; we'd still be back at the hotel before six. I pointed the passengers in the right direction then dripped into the public toilets.

With less but not streaked makeup I returned to the coach, "first shop, and cheap!" I advised my colleague.

We caught the little tourist 'train' into the town and got off outside of the Lá¶hr Centre.

It wasn't really co-ordinated but it was dry!!

"I saw a few places on the main street last night" I told Den as we walked through the passageway into the town proper. As luck would have it, H&M was just round the corner and for the second day Den trailed inside with me. I really did do a hit and run, a white blouse, short denim skirt decorated with a bit of lace, bra and pants, I even got a pair of cheap sandal things to replace my squelchy trainers. I begged the use of the staff toilet and did a quick change. I emerged dry and a darn site more comfortable! "Better?" Den asked "Much! Thanks" "Well I can't have you catching pneumonia can I" "Still" "What are we doing now then?" I remembered one of the shops I passed last night, right up Den's street! I led the way down Lá¶hrstrasse towards the Bahnhof but only a short way past the dual carriageway I stopped. "Ta da!" I motioned towards the window "Oh wow!" Den was mesmerized, the window was dominated by a model railway layout, not my thing but this one was pretty good.

"You want to have a look?"

"Just try stopping me" and he led the way into the toy cum model store.

Inside was something else, cabinets full of model cars, railway wagons, well you name it they had it! Den headed towards the railway stuff and I mooched around the displays of toy cars. Something caught my eye, looking more carefully, yep it was, a model of a coach like 'Betsy'.

"Kann ich Ihnen helfen?"

"Oh! Err... ja, ich há¤tte gern dieses Modell." I pointed to the bus in the cabinet

 
Den was a happy chappy now, he'd spent an undisclosed sum on a huge bag of model railway goodies and, well he literally was the (big) kid in a toyshop! We walked back up through the town and finding our way through the old town, a sign caught my eye.

"You fancy a bit of culture?"

"Why not, it's not four yet, bags of time"

So we followed the signs to the Mittelrhein-Museum and entered the cool, quiet atmosphere of the old town hall. We paid our entry fee, left our bags at the desk and started to wander round. Huge paintings of the town and the rivers dominated the ground floor with models showing the development of the town. Moving upstairs we passed works by local artists then on the second floor the exhibits changed to sculpture and more modern works.

"What's that old box on the wall?" Den asked

"Where?"

"Over there" he pointed behind me

"Dunno, looks like a painting"

We went across to satisfy our curiosity.

"Well I never!"

"I thought it was huge, the posters and stuff don't give any clue," Den agreed

"It explains all the posters of it downstairs"

"Der Turm von Babel, it's incredible"

We both studied the ancient picture not much more than the size of a magazine. The detail is incredible, too much to take in in one go. The faint whiff of fresh coffee eventually drew our attention and we tracked down the little cafeteria. Cake! Mmmm! Well it's a woman's prerogative, even a pretend woman! It was nearly five when we left to make the short trip back to the bus under cloud free skies.

I even managed to put my hair up.

Back at the Vulkan-Eifel tonight is 'dinner' night, the last evening of the tour. It's expected that we make a bit of an effort so I decided to go for one of yesterday's purchases and I somehow got my hair into something resembling 'dressy'. Not bad for a bloke eh? Well the evening went off without a hitch; everyone had a good time although with a fairly early start Den and I had to lay off the alcohol. No such inhibitions from the punters though! I managed to escape before eleven and then had to tackle the packing! Did I really buy all this lot? We said our farewells to Margrit and her merry crew and hit the tarmac just after eight thirty. You remember the outward trip? Well the return was no more exciting, I did the tea round each hour, with comfort stops every couple of hours. As we headed across Belgium the blue skies of Germany gradually gave way to overcast and grey heavens. By the time we turned south towards Dunkirk and Calais, rain was threatening. Soon we'd be meeting up with the other buses and I'd see Jules again, tonight I claim my prize! The rain started dockside, the French lack of concern over exit checks letting me draw a huge sigh of relief. We were up in the drivers lounge before I got a chance to really talk to Julia and Mandy. "By the look of you, you had a good week" I mentioned to a bronzed Mandy

"You don't look too bad yourself girl" she replied, "that uniform looks better on you than me"

In truth after another week in dresses and skirts it felt pretty natural to be sat here dressed like this.

"Looks like you lost the bet," I told Jules, "one tour complete with me in a frock and makeup"

"Well I lost that one but I had a counter bet with Mand which I've won"

"Okay," Mandy agreed, "you said he would, I didn't believe you. Here you go" she passed a not inconsiderable amount of money over to my girlfriend.

"I don't believe you two!" I exclaimed "Aw c'mon Chris, it was just a bit of fun" Mandy stated "For you maybe, not for me" "I bet you enjoyed yourself, Jules said you went out with a German friend, that must have been fun" "I've had worse nights," I allowed And tonight was to be one of them! We disembarked and joined the queue for immigration and customs, I found Ingrid's passport and prayed that they didn't check too carefully again. While we waited I presented Den with his model bus. "I know it's not much, but it's a small thank you for looking out for me this week" He unwrapped the package. "It's just like 'Betsy'," I pointed out "Thanks, thanks Nena, that's really thoughtful"

"You deserve it after this week"

"Well thanks anyway, whoa here we go" he pulled Betsy into the shed.

I suppose my luck had to run out some time and this afternoon it was that time. As usual Den popped the lockers while an official checked passports, I thought the girl was taking longer than usual but she returned to the front of the bus eventually. She took a more than cursory glance at Ingrid's papers.

"Can you come with me for a minute please and bring your bag along"

"I er sure" I grabbed my bag and preceded her off the bus. Den was chatting to one of the customs guys and seeing me off the bus gave a questioning look. I shrugged my shoulders and was ushered into the offices. I surrendered my bag and found myself in a small room with just a couple of chairs and a table.

"Wait here please"

I was in no position to argue! I will tell you now; I was as they say 'shitting bricks'! I am in deep doo doo; here I am a bloke dressed up as a woman, with paperwork in one name and a passport belonging to someone else, neither of which is mine, deep doo doo!

I heard our bus pulling out of the shed and wondered what was going to happen next. What had they told Den? What did the passengers think? I'm out of a job that's for sure! I waited impatiently for what seemed like hours before the woman returned with another official.

"Now then Miss Ziegler or should I say Mister Hornby, you have some explaining to do!

---

 
Maddy Bell 19.04.04  © 2004
Photos  © Maddy Bell 2001,2002
 
 
End of Part 8
 
 
To Be Continued...

Pictures of Nena have been generated using Ania's 'Cherie' Fkiss doll on Angy-Chan's template and are Copyright 2004. They are used with permission, if you'd like to see more go to www.acharsi.prv.pl

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Nena: Book 3 - Jungfrau

 
 

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Part 1
 

'"Wait here please"

I was in no position to argue! I will tell you now; I was as they say 'shitting bricks'! I am in deep doo doo; here I am a bloke dressed up as a woman, with paperwork in one name and a passport belonging to someone else, neither of which is mine, deep doo doo!

I heard our bus pulling out of the shed and wondered what was going to happen next. What had they told Den? What did the passengers think? I'm out of a job that's for sure! I waited impatiently for what seemed like hours before the woman returned with another official.

"Now then Miss Ziegler or should I say Mister Hornby, you have some explaining to do!'

BEEEEEP!

Suddenly my world slewed sideways, I opened my eyes with a start just in time to see the fast approaching rear of a truck.

"Shit!" Den exclaimed as the brakes locked on in a scream of agony, the ABS unable to cope with two feet on the brake pedal. Behind me I could hear a growing cacophony of screams as I stared ahead waiting for the impact.

It never came. Somehow Den had managed to arrest our forward motion and our bus was now rocking back and forth on the suspension. By some miracle, we hadn't hit anything and nothing had hit us, the cause of our rapid deceleration even now disappearing up the autoroute towards Calais.

"I could have done without that!" Den stated, knocking the coach into gear and steering us onto the hard shoulder.

"I'll check the passengers" I was more than a little shaken myself, luckily none of the passengers had come to harm and they were as concerned about me as I was them. I returned to the front where I found Den outside.

"You okay Den?"

"Er yeah, just a bit shaky"

"What happened? I was asleep"

"One of those maniac Irish trucks, he just pulled straight out, no signal or anything. How we didn't hit him!"

"Well we've you to thank for that. You okay to go on?"

"Give me a minute"

"I'll wait for you on board"

The few kilometers down to Calais were thankfully uneventful and we still had time for a quick beer warehouse stop. I tried to recall my broken dream, but nothing came, I guess the trauma of the near crash had done a good job of wiping that particular block of memory. As usual we were due to link up with the others dockside, the rain that had threatened for the last couple of hours finally started as we cleared check-in. No sign of the other coaches, we were plainly the first to arrive. We watched the ferry dock and disgorge its cargo of motor vehicles, come on guys where are you?

Loading started, still with no sign of the other two buses, it looks like they'll miss the boat. Den and I were actually up in the driver's lounge getting our dinner when four flushed looking Global employees spilled through the door.

"We thought you'd missed it" Den greeted them

"So did we, there was a big crash on the N1, we both got caught in the tail back" Rob advised

"By the look of you, you had a good week" I mentioned to a bronzed Mandy

"You don't look too bad yourself girl" she replied, "that uniform looks better on you than me"

In truth after another week in dresses and skirts it felt pretty natural to be sat here dressed like this.

"Looks like you lost the bet," I told Jules, "one tour complete with me in a frock and makeup"

"I bet you enjoyed yourself, Jules said you went out with a German friend, that must have been fun"

"I've had worse nights," I allowed

We disembarked and joined the queue for immigration and customs, I found Ingrid's passport and prayed that they didn't check too carefully again. While we waited I presented Den with his model bus.

"I know it's not much, but it's a small thank you for looking out for me this week"

He unwrapped the package.

"It's just like 'Betsy'," I pointed out

"Thanks, thanks Nena, that's really thoughtful"

"You deserve a lot more after this week"

"Well thanks anyway, whoa here we go" he pulled Betsy into the shed.

You ever had that feeling of Déjá  vu? I seemed to know what was going to be said, what people were going to do, weird! It wasn't quite as I semi remembered, then it came back in a sudden flash as Den pulled us into the shed. I hope the next bit of the dream doesn't come true!

So far so good, it was a bloke who got on to check the passports while Den opened the side lockers for the dogs.

"All EU?" he asked

"Yes, all British except me" I replied

He walked up the bus to confirm that everyone was accounted for and returned to the front.

"Thanks miss" he passed Den in the doorway, "okay, you're clear"

Den slotted Betsy into gear and we drove through to where the feeder drivers were waiting. I do not want dreams like that ever again!

"You okay kiddo?" Den enquired as he rescued his briefcase from the overhead and prepared to disembark.

"Sure, just thinking, Chris'll be back tomorrow"

"I'll sort of miss Nena, there's never a dull moment with you is there?"

"A bit too lively at times!"

"Well thanks for a good tour Nena, tell Chris I'll see him at the depot tomorrow"

"I will, wiedersehn Den"

The drive back north was uneventful although it was nearly eleven when we got back to the depot and Julia's car.

"Mine or yours" Julia asked

"Yours, we can be exhausted together"

As I lay cradling Julia's head later on I thought over the past week, one attempted mugging, too much homemade schnapps, the evening with Mika and her friends. On balance things went pretty well. Not sure why I bought so much women's clothing though. I squirmed as I remembered how the dress I wore on Friday felt, hmmm, well sexy! I slipped into unconsciousness for a last time as Nena.

Monday morning. I woke early but not early enough to beat Julia to the bathroom! Then it struck me, I don't need to get up so early, I don't have to shave my legs or do my makeup today. Nope not today or any other! No I won the bet and the girl in the shower, my girlfriend was my sex 'slave' for the next month! Hmm maybe I should clarify that after all we'll be away on tour for two weeks of that, I'm gonna be short changed!

"Morning luvver" Julia purred from the doorway

"Hello you, give us a kiss"

We played tonsil hockey for a bit then Jules broke off.

"Aww!"

"Whoa tiger! We've got stuff to sort out remember"

"Joools!" I whined

"Come on Chris, sooner it's done the sooner we can have some more fun"

Well, when you put it like that!

The pair of us spent the morning and early afternoon sorting out our tour accounts, once again I or rather Nena had a good week, the catering account was above average and the tips, well I could get used to the extra income! We grabbed a quick lunch before heading off to the Global depot. It felt weird wearing guy stuff, no bra to itch my chest and my favourite boots that feel so restrictive after Nena's sandals and heels.

"I was half expecting Nena" Bill joked when I went to turn in my books

"I'm done with that caper now Bill, no more Nena"

"No more big tips, looks like that girl had another good trip," he noted as he glanced at my figures.

"Yeah well, the tips might be good but not good enough to keep Nena around"

"Pity, seems the customers like her too"

"Well yeah, the tips..."

"How about twelve customers ringing so far today. They don't just like Nena, they think she's the best thing since sliced bread!"

"It's still me" I managed as a flush of colour ran over me.

"Well they like you as Chris but we've never had so much feedback from the punters as we have on Nena's two appearances."

"Like I said, I'll be working as Chris again this week"

"See you on Thursday then"

"Yes sir!" I did a mock salute

"Get out of here Hornby!"

Jules dropped me back at my flat, for an exciting evening of laundry! I noted wryly that it was all Nena's clobber in the washer. Knickers, bras, tights, all stuff that had no right to be in Chris Hornby's washing machine. I smiled to myself when I looked at the various bits of clothing as I recalled the previous week again. Yeah, I guess it was mostly a good week; I chuckled as I recalled the Schnapps incident again!

Jules was going to do well out of this, several outfits with just one careful previous owner, all of them Chris magnets! Well I did pick them because I liked them. I remembered Ingrid's passport, must post it back in the morning, and I'll have to write her about last week too.

You don't want to hear about the rest of my week, even if you do I'm not going into it, what me and Jools get up to is our affair and working in a bar doesn't enthrall me that much so I won't inflict it on you! Rodg, the manager of the Oaks, still had Beth off with her wrist so once again I picked up some extra shifts. I wasn't even bothered about my hair, being blonde isn't that bad and I've got sort of used to it. Mind you it could do with a cut before the weekend.

"So what tours are due this week?" Mandy asked

The three of us were having a coffee at the Oaks before heading to the depot after my shift.

"Dunno, I'll check my diary" Julia reached for her bag

"You don't fancy doing another week as Nena then Chris?" Mand enquired

"No way! I've had my fill of being a girl, I'll leave that to you pair"

"Here we are, lets see - Poland, French Riviera and The Black Forest. I fancy the Riviera, I could do with some sun." Jools told us

"You're welcome to it! What about you Mand, any preference?"

"Well if Jools does France I wouldn't mind Poland, I've not been over there. You okay with Germany"

"Suits me, it's usually pretty relaxed, no long days"

"it's overnight isn't it?" Mand pointed out

"whatever, that means I get Sunday off"

"Well that's settled then, unless Russell has any other plans of course," Julia stated

"Russ never has any plans, only for his precious coaches!" Mandy offered

At the depot we were chatting with Maureen on reception when Bill came through.

"Hi slaves, come to get this weeks sentences?"

"And hi to you too Bill" I replied

"Can I have a word Chris? I won't keep him long girls"

I followed him through to his office.

"Have a seat. I won't mince words Chris, I want Nena! Well not me, the punters. All week we've been getting customers ringing to find out what tours she's doing, she's better than a ten pound booking discount!" he eased back into his chair as I sat there bemused.

"Look Chris, I never thought I'd be doing this," he shook his head, "but needs must. It's not to go outside this room, but we're only just breaking even, anything that can get more business needs to be considered. I've discussed this with Russ and well, Chris; we'd like you to do the rest of the season as Nena. There I've said it"

Talk about gob smacked! I wasn't sure what to say, what to do, even what expression to use. In the end I settled on the classic goldfish!

"Obviously we don't expect you to do it for no return, we've worked out a compensation package" he passed a sheet of paper over.

I looked at the page, bonus for a full coach, clothing allowance and small increase to my basic pay. I sat there bemused but did the mental calculations, with the sort of tips I got as Nena it was worth a fair chunk of dosh, somewhere about two grand! It was tempting I have to say. On the other hand it would mean dressing as Nena, well not just dressing, being Nena for another four months!

"If I say no?"

"Well we can't force you to do it. All I can say is that everyone's jobs will be on the line if we don't start picking up a few more bookings"

"What about the others? I get this," I waved the sheet of paper, "what do they get? Not that I'm saying I'll do it"

"That's a tenner I owe Russ, he said you'd ask that. The full coach bonus will go to everyone, the girls already get the clothing allowance."

"Huh?"

"Didn't you know? I'd have thought you'd have found that out. If things get turned around, we'll give everyone a raise in September"

This was all a bit much, unexpected. Do I want to do it? Not really. Can I afford to not do it? That's a lot of money at stake and ultimately my job, and my friends. Talk about a dilemma. I looked at Bill, I already knew his position, but I also know that he wouldn't hold a negative response against me. What would Julia say? Well last week was her idea so I guess that answers that!

"Okay I'll do it"

Bill let out a breath that I didn't realise he was holding, "thanks Chris"

"Out of curiosity what have you been telling all these punters?"

"That you were doing all of the German and Austrian tours" he grinned

"If I'd said no?"

"We'd have just sent our senior tour host instead"

"Who's that?"

"A guy called Chris Hornby, maybe you've met?" he chuckled.

"Erm what about my passport and stuff? I've been using a borrowed one but I can't keep doing that"

"All in hand. If Julia brings Nena to the depot at six tomorrow morning we'll get it sorted, oh and it would be best if you can bring a passport photo of Nena and your birth certificate"

"You really have been doing your homework"

"Well Den has, it was his suggestion"

Just wait till I see him!

"Is that it then? The girls will be wondering what's going off"

"I just need you to sign this new contract"

"Fair enough"

"I've put a cross where you need to sign"

"You what?" Mand shrieked

"I said yes. He reckons Nena can get more bookings and he's paying me extra to do it. And I've got a bone to pick with you two, you never told me you get a clothing allowance"

"What's to tell, everybody gets it" Jools stated

"I don't, well didn't" I huffed

"That's not fair" Mandy mentioned

"Well anyway it looks like I'm going to be Nena every other week"

"Why every other week?" Julia asked

"Well I'll be Chris when I'm home"

"That'll never work kiddo and I don't think you could do it" Jools told me

"Yeah you'd be schizoid in no time," Mand agreed

"And besides I quite like the idea of having Nena around for a while" Jools finished.

What have I agreed to? Now it's not just Nena at work but at home too. And my girlfriend wants me to be Nena too!

Friday morning found the three of us, Mand insisted on coming too, back at the depot. On the way we stopped at the railway station to get my passport photo done and despite my reservations I was ready for Bill and Den's plan. "You girls ready?" Den asked "As we'll be," I allowed "Hop in then" he indicated the company staff bus. "Where are we off to then?" Mand asked "Liverpool, the passport office" "Oh right, why so early then, we'll be there about eight" I queried "You've never been I take it? If you're not there when they open you could be there all day. Oh and you'll need the stuff in the envelope there" Den advised. Well you don't want all the gory details. I presented myself at the passport office and with surprising speed my passport was updated, at least my passport photo would look like me!

"Lets have a look then?" Jools asked as we headed towards Manchester.

I passed it over.

"So Nena has a new passport"

"Well picture at least," I agreed

"No" Mand interjected, "this says Nena."

"Lets see!" I grabbed it back. Flipping it open I scanned the info page, my new picture fine, name, my god she's right, Nena Agnetha Ziegler!

"Den!" I exclaimed, "how come this says I'm Nena?" I waved the passport at him.

"Well that's who you are"

"No I'm Chris pretending to be Nena"

"Not anymore"

"What do you mean?"

"Well you're officially Nena Ziegler now"

"No I'm Chris Hornby!" I stated

"I told Bill to ask you first"

"Ask me what?"

"Well you know those papers you signed yesterday?"

"The new contract, yeah?"

"Well one of them was a declaration of name change. The company solicitors got it all processed yesterday, so you really are Nena now."

"I'll kill him!"

"Hey Nena, at least your passport matches everything else" Mand offered

"And you can change it back afterwards" Jools soothed

"I guess. I'm still pissed at him though"

"Who came up with Agnetha then?" Mandy asked Den

"Blame me for that, I thought Nena should have a middle name."

"So where are we going now?"

"Well you know Maureen does amateur theatrics?"

We nodded.

"Well Bill asked if she knew any theatrical suppliers"

"What for?"

"Well you can't go all summer stuffing socks in your bra girl, can you?"

"Why not?"

"Nena!" the girls chorused

It felt really weird. Wearing a sock filled bra was weird but the size and weight of the two lumps now stuck to my chest was well beyond that. Not just that but they were proving to be a distraction as they jiggled at every step and I kept wanting to check my reflection much to the girls amusement! It wasn't actually a costume place we went to; in fact I was rather spooked by the place.

Apparently their stock in trade was a makeover service, for men! Yep you heard me, Men! The full nine yards, walk in a bloke; walk out a well, not woman but from the pictures on the walls, a passable replica. I know I'm sort of doing it but I never would have thought there would be enough business. I really was creeped out, I wasn't sure at first if the pretty girl who sorted me out was a bloke or not. Had to be a girl, no Adams Apple.

I didn't just get the boobs. When, after some encouragement, I told Sarah, that was her name, why I needed the chest enhancement she insisted that I needed a 'Vicky'. Yeah it got me too, Bill was spending, make that investing, in Nena so why not. Apparently with the 'Vicky' on I could pass for a girl downstairs as well, I wouldn't need to 'tuck' whatever that meant. It certainly felt strange but I must admit it did look reasonably lifelike. In one day I'd become Nena in name and now in body.

We got back to the depot late afternoon and after collecting our tour packs, headed home to pack. Tomorrow I'm off to Germany again but I'm not pretending to be Nena this time, I am Nena! Nena Agnetha Ziegler! Looks like I lost my prize from Jools, I've lost albeit temporarily, my equipment so our usual last night bed session ended up with just a fair bit of heavy duty snogging. It was a bit strange cuddling up to Julia and finding my own boobs in the way!

 

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Maddy Bell 03.06.04  © 2004
Photos  © Maddy Bell 2001,2002
 
 
End of Part 1
 
 
To Be Continued...

Pictures of Nena have been generated using Ania's 'Cherie' Fkiss doll on Angy-Chan's template and are Copyright 2004. They are used with permission, if you'd like to see more go to www.acharsi.prv.pl

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Nena: Book 3 - Jungfrau

 
 

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Part 2
 

"Hi Nena, so Bill worked on you eh?"

"Uh huh, yes I'm with Global for the season" it was Colin, the feeder driver.

"Chris got another job? He's a good lad that one"

"I think so, Julia would know." That's something we'll have to sort out, especially as Jools is dating him, me. Well you know what I mean.

"You've got some odd ones this week" Colin offered taking a draw on his coffee.

"Odd ones?"

"You know strange passengers"

"Oh?"

"That bloke over by the coach, with the carrier bag?"

"Yes, I see him"

"Well that bag is all that he's got, no case or anything"

"No case?"

"I swear" Colin stated. "And the old couple just getting on look a bit strange too."

"Thanks for the warning"

He glanced at his watch, "best be off I suppose"

I don't know why, but I always have a feeling of excitement when I join the coach for a tour. Meeting the people that I'll be with for the next week, most for the first time, a few regulars, except with me as Nena they are all first timers!

We've been here before so you don't want to hear about the journey down to the Channel again really do you. Col was right, it looks like I've copped for all of this weeks weirdo's! Besides the ones that Colin pointed out at Leicester, there's two women with their teenage daughters, the mothers unable to admit they're not teens and dressed to suit. Watch out Den! If I was Chris I'd be nervous too! I suppose the rest of the nearly full bus were pretty average as passengers go, generally older and I recognized a few from previous tours.

The ride down was uneventful, we did our usual Toddington coffee stop, as you might imagine we three 'girls' spent the time there talking about our passengers. Mandy has pulled the short straw, one of her passengers uses a wheelchair, which will make for quite a bit more work for her.

We arrived in Dover almost in convoy, the drivers minibus as usual stood waiting for our arrival, for a third trip I have Den. I guess if I'm going to do most of the German trips we'll be paired for the season.

"Everything okay Colin?"

"A bit of fan belt whine"

"I'll tighten them up later then, passengers okay Nena?"

"No problems on the way down Dennis"

Colin finished getting his stuff together and Den worked on the Tacho.

"Well I'll see you next Sunday then, have a good trip, look after her Den"

"The bus or Nena?"

"Both but especially Nena" Colin winked as he stepped off of Betsy.

"I will, bye Col"

"Bye" I added

Den finished settling in and we were ready to roll. I pulled the mike out and stood up.

"Can you all have your passports ready please"

Well that includes me, it struck me then as I pulled the little booklet out, I was officially Nena Ziegler. No praying that they wouldn't check or thinking of potential excuses. Nope, in fact I wanted them to look, to check it! As we drove up the ramp I looked at the document, how did I come to this? I never looked for it, I mean until a month ago the only female clothing I'd ever worn was a pair of tights in a junior school play! (I was a pageboy).

I was disappointed that we were waved straight through today, we were soon dockside and waiting for the one o'clock sailing. There was a stiff onshore breeze but the sun was out and everyone was in good mood. The couple of smokers on board took the opportunity for a quick fag; I sat on the step with a can of pop. Finally they started to load and I got everyone back on, Den pumped up the suspension and we were off!

"Remember girl, you can ring us anytime" Mand mentioned as we chatted in the drivers lounge.

"I hope I won't need to"

"Well just remember, with those puppies on your chest you are bound to get hit on," Julia advised. Timely advice as it turns out!

Overhearing the last comment Den turned from his conversation with the other drivers.

"I'll be looking out for 'her'"

"It's you we're worried about!" Mand joked

"Give over guys" I stated

Just over an hour later we were out of Calais port and heading for the autoroute. We followed Mand onto the eastbound route while Julia's coach headed south towards their overnight south of Paris. At Dunkirk we turned off ourselves onto the Lille road leaving Mandy's bus to continue towards their own overnight near Dusseldorf. Did I mention that we are on an overnight? We are due at our destination resort mid morning tomorrow, I'm not sure of the logic other than it saves one hotel bill! Of course we've got plenty of stops scheduled on our seemingly strange route and we've got a couple of films for the passengers later. I hate overnights; you can never get more than a few minutes kip so you are wasted the following day. At least they've done some repairs on the A25 and we made good time to Lille. I did my usual tea run; this week looks like it might be hard work, not many takers now or on the way down to Dover earlier. We picked up the motorway into Belgium; direction Mons where our first stop of the evening awaits us. The thin squeal of the fan belts announced our arrival at Thieu services. "I'll have a quick look at the belts while we're here" "How long then?" "Forty five, the timings are quite generous"

 
 
"How's it going?" I asked passing Den a cup of tea

"Just about done, I'll have to change number three belt when we get there though"

"Will it be okay till then?" I instinctively held my skirt down as the wind whipped around my legs.

"Should be," he stated tightening the adjustment bolt back up.

The passengers started to drift back shortly afterwards, looks like we've got some 'lates', you know the ones who are always first in the meal queues but invariably 'don't hear' time instructions. There they are, no rush in them! It was the couple Colin had mentioned, he was wearing a raincoat and she was toting a shopping bag. I gave Den a look, he just shook his head.

"Are you waiting for us dear?" the old bint enquired

'Only five minutes!'

"Not really, everyone else was back a bit early"

Looks like we'll have to make some allowances this week. Den's mechanics seemed to have worked, the scream was gone and once more we were on our way. I sorted the DVD player out and set a harmless film, with that babe Gwyneth Paltrow in, some thing about an airhostess entitled 'View from the Top'. The passengers settled down and I resumed my seat and got out my book. We've got a couple of hours through the Belgian countryside while the film runs so I slipped my shoes off and propped my now painted toes on the dash.

The evening moved on, we passed Namur then our route headed for Luxembourg. We were just into Germany when the film finished, so I did a quick tea run aware that our meal stop wasn't too far off. In fact it was heading towards ten when we got to the services at Saarbrucken for our long stop, two hours.

Den and I joined the punters in the restaurant for a late dinner; by the time we returned to Betsy it was dark and getting a bit chilly. Den took the opportunity to catch forty winks and I settled down with my book again. Even the laggards were back on the bus in good time, there is only so much you can find to do in a German service station this time on a Saturday night!

Next stop Strasbourg! I put another film on, 'Bend it Like Beckham', knowing that most of the passengers would be asleep well before it's conclusion, me too quite likely. The autobahn was pretty quiet now as we passed the lights of Saarbrucken, as they passed behind we turned off to cut a corner through Sarreguemines.

We joined the Autoroute de L'est back in France and I dozed off.

"Chris!"

I stirred, had someone called me

"Bugger. Nena, wake up"

"Huh? What's up?"

"Not sure, we seem to be losing power"

"The belts?" I know nothing about engines!

"Could have something to do with it"

"What do we do then?"

"Can you look in the service book there and ring the help line, I'll keep going for now"

I got through to International Rescue and acted as intermediary as we trundled onward.

"Where are we?"

"Coming up to Saverne"

I relayed the information and got the instruction.

"He says to pull in to the services, he'll have someone out as soon as he can"

Not the best start to the week, I hope it's nothing too serious. Of course the early and unscheduled stop gained some interest from the passengers so I had to explain that we were just getting some professional advice. It was nearly two AM when the Setra service van pulled up; Den and I went to find out the crack.

The guy was good even if his English wasn't. Unfortunately the news wasn't good either, it wasn't too serious but not a roadside repair, worse still he didn't want us driving it any further.

Half an hour later and things were sorted, a tow truck was on it's way from the service center in Strasbourg and a replacement bus was being organized by International Rescue. When I rang Russell to tell him, I could tell that unavoidable as it was, to him it just spelled more expense.

Obviously we had to tell the passengers but I was loath to wake anyone up so I just made my way down the bus advising the few still conscious of what was going off. Sleep seemed like a good option, it could be hours before we were on the move again after all. I've had a couple of on tour breakdowns previously, we lost two days in Italy last year, luckily we were in resort then though.

I awoke to the sound of voices outside and a lot of clanging. Checking my watch I realised I'd managed a whole ninety minutes of sleep and the first signs of dawn were appearing in the eastern skies. I grabbed my jacket and joined Den and the tow truck crew outside.

"I was just about to wake you, these guys want to get hitched and rolling as soon as possible. If the other coach isn't here by four thirty we'll have to move the passengers into the services to wait."

"Great" I could already imagine the moaning and complaints. "I'd best get people awake then, what about cases?"

"Best transfer them in case I don't get down later"

I spent the next twenty minutes organizing my charges, there was no sign of the coach so after a quick bit of organization with the people in the services, the Global passengers and their luggage made their way inside.

"The mechanic reckons it'll take about six hours to fix once we get to the repair shop"

"So when should we expect you in Todtmoos?"

"It'll be at least midday before I get away, maybe four? I'll ring to let you know"

"Lets hope it's what he thinks"

"Yeah. Take care Chris, you're on your own now"

"Its Nena now remember, I'll get you for that! I'll see you later."

I watched with some vague misgivings as Betsy was towed off, I hope this relief coach hurries up!
 
 
It wasn't that much later, well just after five when I spotted the empty bus come in. I wasn't the only one; there was a murmur from the passengers as the news went round. He'd actually made good time having driven up from Freiburg where he was a night mechanic with SBG, the local bus operator. Our new steed was one of their Airport express buses, actually an older version of Betsy. I managed to extract that much before he disappeared.

Our new driver, Freddie, left me to organize the luggage and passengers while he got his mandatory break. Luckily a couple of the male passengers decided to take charge of the luggage, not that I couldn't but I was hardly dressed for scrambling in coach lockers! One of the perks of my new persona I guess.

With an ever-lightening sky we pulled back onto the motorway best part of five hours after we pulled off. I was starting to feel a bit grubby by now; I'd been on the go for nearing twenty-four hours. Originally we were to stop at Strasbourg then at Freiburg for breakfast but we were now missing the first of those.

"So Nena, you do this all the time?" Freddie asked (his accent was pretty strong so I've translated for you)

"Er yes, for about five years"

"You are German? You must be with that name"

"Uh huh" I allowed, trying to be non committal

"You have a boyfriend?" was he just making conversation?

"Not at the moment"

The conversation moved on to other things and we were soon negotiating the streets of Strasbourg en route for the Rhine Bridge over to Kehl and Germany. Sun light was now streaming into the coach and most of the passengers were awake as we passed into Germany. We soon joined the southbound autobahn; my stomach gave an involuntary grumble in expectation of breakfast.

Sunday morning traffic was light on the two lane road, the sun catching the distant hills of the Vosges off to our right and the Black Forest coming down to greet us on the left. We made good time and pulled into Breisgau services for our breakfast stop a bit after nine. Normally we'd have stopped at Mahlberg then given the punters some time in Freiburg afterwards but that would have to go by the board today.

I couldn't help but feel uncomfortable as Freddie watched me over the cafeteria table. I could feel his eyes weighing me up; he smiled a toothy grin through his cigarette smoke when I looked up.

"You come to Freiburg this week?"

"Not sure, maybe"

"Maybe we meet up eh?"

Was he coming on to me?

"I er don't think I'll have time"

"Maybe your day off?" he wasn't getting the hint.

"I don't get one this week"

"Ah shame. We could have had some fun eh? You, me, some beers"

"I guess I'll just have to take a rain check. I'll see you outside"

I collected my bag and headed for the ladies. The ladies, I can't believe I'm doing this - again, and that that letch was coming onto me! Gross! I was surprised, the passengers were in fine fettle despite our overnight trauma and even our late couple were at the bus when I got to it. It seemed strange not seeing Betsy there, instead this blue machine with a plane on the side waited. Strangest for me was that I wasn't riding shotgun; Freddie could actually see up the road, I wasn't his lookout!

Our temporary chauffeur seemed unfazed by my brush off and we were soon tonking down towards Basel. Again this was not normally our route, Den would have taken us across the Schwarzwald to Todtmoos but Freddie just wanted to get there quickly. We turned east past Lá¶rrach before we reached the Swiss border, finally leaving the motorway at Sá¤ckingen.

The last thirty kilometers took us north into the rolling hills and forest of the southern Schwarzwald. We finally pulled up at the hotel shortly before eleven, only about an hour later than planned. By now I just wanted to hit the sack for a bit, I went through the booking in procedure on automatic!

"Maybe I'll see you in the week eh" Freddie mentioned as he prepared to depart.

Not if I have anything to do with it!

"Possibly, thanks Freddie"

"Bye Nena"

I watched him drive off then turned my thoughts to Den. I hope everything is going okay; I'm not sure what happens if I've not got a vehicle for tomorrow. I retired to my room and after pulling the blind stripped my now quite whiffy outfit off. I looked at myself in the mirror, how did I get to this? Breasts and a very realistic faux vagina now defined me. Where is Chris? Who am I? Officially I'm now Nena, do I really want this? I extracted my PJ's, slipped them on and in exhaustion collapsed into bed.
 
 
"Brring Brring! Brring Brring! Brring Brring!"

I grabbed my phone and through sleep encrusted eyes checked the clock, one o'clock.

"'Ello"

"Nena?"

"Uh huh. Whozat?"

"Dennis"

"Oh hi" I sat up, "where are you?"

"Just about to leave the garage, it took a bit longer to do than we thought. When did you get there, I take it you are there?"

"Yeah, I'm in bed. Just before eleven"

"You didn't do bad then"

"Apart from the lecherous driver, he kept coming on to me all the way down"

"Can't say as I blame him"

"Den!"

"Well whatever you think you make a pretty good looking woman, you've got to expect some male attention."

"I suppose so. Anyway, when will you get here?"

"About four I hope, I'll get something to eat on the way down, yeah about four"

"Take care then, I'll see you later" "Later Nena" I hung up and assessed my surroundings. Well I certainly felt a lot better after my sleep, I really ought to get up otherwise I won't sleep tonight. I hit the shower, hmmm that was nice. I could feel my hidden equipment but not see it, talk about weird, something like the ghost sensation amputees have I suppose, except I wasn't actually missing anything! Putting my PJ's back on I did my unpacking. Where did this lot come from? Over the last few weeks I seem to have accumulated so much stuff, dresses, skirts, sun tops, loads of underwear, shoes, sandals. And by experience I'd probably need most of it this week too! I selected an outfit for the afternoon then toddled out for a walk. The village isn't much more than one main street with a few shops, a few hotels, there's no railway and an infrequent bus service. Despite its lacks it's a popular resort and I've been several times before. I had a coffee before heading back to the hotel and was just coming out of the travel agency when I spotted Betsy coming up the pedestrian zone to the hotel. I waved at Den who waved back and hopped on when he stopped before going on to the 'Schwarzwalder Hof'.

 

---

 
Maddy Bell 06.06.04  © 2004
Photos  © Maddy Bell 2001,2002
 
 
End of Part 2
 
 
To Be Continued...

Pictures of Nena have been generated using Ania's 'Cherie' Fkiss doll on Angy-Chan's template and are Copyright 2004. They are used with permission, if you'd like to see more go to www.acharsi.prv.pl

---

 

Nena: Book 3 - Jungfrau

 
 

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Part 3
 

"Good evening everyone"

"Evening," chorused back from the waiting audience.

"You'll be pleased to know that both Dennis and our coach have now arrived so our excursion programme will be almost unchanged." There was a little cheer as I checked my clipboard. "We have four excursions planned for you, tomorrow we go into Switzerland to see the wonderful Rheinfall at Schaffhausen. On Tuesday we have an excursion to the famous Spa town of Baden Baden with a scenic drive through the, how is it? Oh yes, high Black Forest. Dennis needs a rest so you have a free day on Wednesday, there are local excursions if you like or there are many pleasant fussweg, sorry footpaths in the area." I looked around the room; I seemed to have an attentive audience.

"On Thursday we will go to see the cuckoo clocks at Triberg and also the lake of Titisee. Finally on Friday instead of our usual forest drive, we will go to visit Freiburg, which we missed this morning. In the evening we will be having a barbecue and Heimatsnacht." I concluded

One reason this tour is usually pretty well supported is that all the excursions are included, no extras unless you want to go out on the 'rest day'. It also makes it easier for me and Den, no money to collect, no extra organization at all.

"Breakfast will be from seven thirty and our evening meal will be at six thirty. The hotel have asked me to remind you that they can supply packed lunches so please to not take food from breakfast. Also if you should like a bath, you need to get a plug from reception. If you have any questions, you can find Den and myself downstairs in the Stube after dinner. Thank you for your attention, enjoy your meal. Oh sorry I forgot to say, we leave at nine in the morning"

As if waiting for my signal, the waitresses appeared with the soup course and everyone's attention moved from me to their stomachs.

"How many times will you have to repeat that tonight?" Den asked

"I reckon at least a dozen" I sighed. If they took in even half of what I just told them I'd have done well!

In the couple of hours since Dens arrival we had exchanged the details of our day, Den even managed to catch more sleep than me while they worked on Betsy. He was mildly amused by Freddie's attempts to chat me up, I guess if I'm gonna look like this all summer I'd better start learning how to cope with male attention. In fact it was Den who pointed out that it was a surprise it hadn't already happened.

"So any ideas for Wednesday?" Den enquired, "I think there's a bus we could take down to Sackingen"

"Well" I started, "I've booked us seats on a coach trip"

"Busman's holiday eh? So where're we going?"

"Switzerland"

"What, Basel or something?"

"A bit further than that, Interlaken and the Bernese Oberland" I told him

"Phew, sounds like one of your specials, what is it? Eight o'clock start?"

"Seven"

Den nearly choked on his soup and it was only chicken noodle!

"Seven! You certainly pick 'em girl"

 
 

After dinner we made our way down to the in house pub, the 'Já¤germeister', down in the basement. It's a cosy little room, used by hotel guests and locals alike. The décor is all dark wood overlain with as you might expect hunting paraphernalia and strangely a host of pictures and posters of music acts of the German rock variety!

We joined the few local patrons and settled down at a corner table, Den on 'Alkoholfrei' and I settled on light beer. The bar tender was actually doing an excellent trade acting as the local pizza chef and he was serving as much coffee as beer!

At some point in the evening most of the coach made at least a brief visit to our little hidey hole and yep, Den and I had to repeat most of my earlier words at least a dozen times! The plug thing raised a few laughs; maybe they've suffered from plug thieves in the past!

"Have you seen Maria yet?" Den asked as we made our way up to our rooms a little before eleven.

"No, when I asked earlier, the girl on reception said she was away for the weekend"

"Probably catch her in the morning then."

 
 

Hmmm, I stretched and squirmed laid in my bed but after an initial feeling of euphoria something felt wrong. I sat up with a start and opened my eyes at the same time; there was an unfamiliar weight on my chest! Then it came back to me, my new friends, my hands grabbed my silicon additions and with a sigh I sagged back onto the pillow.

Once more I went over everything that brought me to this point, Austria, the Rhine, the conversation with Bill, Jools reaction. I bet there are people out there who'd kill for this, I'm not one of them, I'm doing it for the money, aren't I? The name change, the passport, this whole thing, it's just a job, but I'm allowed to enjoy my job aren't I?

A pressing desire to empty my bladder finally got me out of bed, as I sat on the pan it hit me that there was a lot more to being Nena than just wearing skirts and dresses. I'm sat here because for now at least, my body looks female, the breast forms and the silicon pussy sure accomplish that. I've always been small waisted and never exactly muscle bound so seeing me now, well I look like the girl I'm supposed to be, but do I want to be? My musing was interrupted by the alarm, I sighed; time to 'become' Nena!

"Nena!" Den beckoned me over, "Nena, this is Maria, she's in charge round here"

Having done this trip before I do of course know Maria as Chris, now I have to get acquainted as me, that is Nena.

"Hello Nena, welcome to my little empire, sorry I missed you yesterday, I had a weekend away"

"Nice to meet you. Somewhere nice?" I asked

"Skiing"

"Skiing?" Den and I both echoed, I mean it's forecast for about thirty degrees today.

"In Austria, you can ski all year on the high glaciers" she explained

I remembered then, they were skiing on the Stubai the other week when we were in Austria.

"So Nena, Den tells me you have joined Global for the season?"

"Yes, I filled in on a couple of trips then they asked me join full time"

"Well you two best get your breakfast, we can talk later, you are going to Rheinfalle today?"

"Just a short trip" Den agreed

"See you later then"

"Bye" I replied with a little finger wave. Finger wave! I'm even picking up some of Julia's mannerisms.

 
 

After eating, Den fetched the revitalized Betsy and a couple of minutes late we set off for the day. We dropped down to Bad Sackingen and headed east alongside the Rhein, it always seems a bit strange that the other side of the river is another country, Switzerland. The punters were in fine fettle this morning, rested and looking forward to the day. Carrier bag was dressed identically to yesterday and the bloke from our late couple, late again this morning by the way, had his coat on despite the early heat!

Shortly after Waldshut we left the river and another dozen or so K's we stopped at the Swiss border. Den slipped over to the office to do the paperwork and I sat watching a farmer cutting hay with one of the oldest tractors I've ever seen! It was only about five minutes before Den returned with one of the border guard.

"Passports please", he climbed on board and made his way back up the bus.

I fumbled in my bag for my passport, hmmm, my passport, I opened it up and looked at my picture. Is this really me? Nena Agnetha Ziegler, Agnetha! I shook my head in amusement.

"Fraulein?"

"Oh sorry" I handed my passport over.

He was being pretty thorough, flicking through the little book and checking me against the picture. He gave me an odd look but then closed it and gave it back.

"Okay, have a nice day" he swung off the coach, Den closed the door and we covered the remaining distance to Schaffhausen, Switzerland's biggest town north of the Rhein. First stop today isn't the town though but the falls.

"What time?" I asked Den

"Well, an hour is usually long enough?"

"There's a few seniors on though," I mentioned

"Okay, back on the bus at twenty past twelve" Den agreed as he reversed Betsy into a bay of the already busy coach park. Once we were stopped I took up the microphone.

"We hope you enjoyed the drive, in a moment we will go to look at the Rheinfall. We will depart at twelve twenty for the short drive into Schaffhausen for our lunch stop, please be back promptly. So if you can wait at the front of the bus I will take you to the falls"

I stepped down and the passengers began their exit, the lates were even last off the bus! After ensuring that I had everyone I led the way, the long way, down to the riverside, the roar of the falls finally reaching us as we emerged from the trees. It's a bit strange looking at these falls, it's difficult to get a grip on the scale at first, you know it must be pretty big but well, it doesn't seem so big.

"I'll leave you all here, you can walk up to the top of the falls, there are boats that do a trip up to the falls and there are several cafés. If you can be prompt back to the coach please"

My charges started to dissipate, some along towards the falls and others to the little island that the boats go from. I waited on a bench for Den, who arrived in short order having taken the steep short route down.

"Coffee?"

"Something cold for me" I mentioned

We started walking up the river towards the falls, thankfully there was a bit of shade from the few trees along the bank, the never-ending noise from the falls a constant background. In the sunshine there was a permanent rainbow in front of the falls where you could now get a better idea of scale with the tourist boats bobbing around. Not exactly Niagara but still pretty impressive!

I was feeling more comfortable today.

After a few minutes walk we reached a little path side café, we collared a table and the waitress was soon in charge of our order. "Phew! I didn't think it would be this warm today" I mentioned propping my sunnies on my forehead. "At least you don't have to wear your uniform, I'm fair cooking in this shirt and trousers" Den complained "Finally an advantage to being a girl!" "Hiya Den" a familiar voice called out, "and it's Nena isn't it?" It was George and his sidekick, the lovely Maureen. Oh you remember, they were at Krimml the other week, they work for Wallace Arnold. "Hi George, Maureen. Didn't see your bus when we pulled in" "We got here just after you" George told us "And how's Nena then?" Maureen enquired I could do without this but it's expected!

"Okay thank you, you will join us?"

"Thanks luv, I could do with a sensible conversation." She mentioned perching her not inconsiderable bum into a chair. The waitress was on the ball and everyone's drinks arrived in short order. George had Den's attention leaving me on my own with Mo.

"I thought you were only filling for young Chris when we saw you in Austria Nena?"

"That time yes but afterwards Global offered me work for the rest of the season, so here I am"

"Well good for you, it's nice to see some fresh young faces on the tours. So you're doing the Black Forest?"

"Black Forest? Oh Schwarzwald, yes we are at Todtmoos?" I laid it on a bit thick

"Frodenstat" she told me, I guess she meant Freudenstadt rather than a Hobbit town.

"A nice town" I commented, "I think we go through later in the week"

"I hope you won't take this the wrong way Nena, but "

"Leave the lass alone Mo. Sorry Nena, I thought you had a look of young Chris about you the other week"

"A look? Oh of course!" I managed a giggle, "he is how do you say Vetter?"

"Related? Den prompted

"Yes related, I remember now, cousin, yes distant cousin. That is how I know Global. I did not think I looked so like him"

"You don't lass" well that's, erm, reassuring! "But you have the same eyes" George finished

You're not kidding we do! Thankfully the conversation moved onto safer topics, our passengers, and our adventure of an outward journey, well basically talking shop.

"What's the time anyone?" Maureen asked

"Oh bugger, it's five to!" George exclaimed

"Looks like we'll be late instead of the passengers" Mo joked, "well nice to see you again Nena, I'm sure we'll see you about"

"Bye Den, Nena" George threw over his shoulder as he moved his companion in the right direction.

"Have a good trip" I called after them

"You too" Maureen replied

"We going for a walk?" Den asked

"I guess so," I agreed

We settled up and walked the short distance to the base of the falls where the noise was pretty incredible. I was glad I'd gone for trainers today when we headed up the steep path past the old watermill to emerge at the top of the falls. The constant noise of falling water was at least muted some up here and we stood watching the turbulent waters for a few minutes before heading back to Betsy.

Not exactly Niagra is it?.

"What's that smell?" Den enquired as we emerged into the bus park. "Hmmm, hotdogs" I drooled "I've not seen a stand," Den mentioned "That's why," I pointed to one of the German coaches, "they're cooking them on the bus" "Don't you get any ideas, I'm not having my bus stinking of hotdogs!" "Spoilsport" Well our little ruse on timing seemed to work; we actually had everyone on board before we were scheduled to depart! It was only a short drive up into Schaffhausen proper where we parked in what doubles as both coach park and bus station. We gave the passengers directions for the town, they were getting a couple of hours to eat and explore so we had plenty of time.

Den got his screen cleaning kit out and I perched on the step with my book, I've got Bernard Cornwell's Harlequin this week, a good medieval romp! I'd been reading for about ten minutes when I remembered something.

"Den, you got many Swiss Francs?"

"A few, maybe a tenners worth, why?"

"We'll probably need some on Wednesday"

"Good thinking batman"

"I'll change some up when we go into town then"

"Well I'm just about done, I'm only doing the windscreen now"

It was a good ten minutes later that we left Betsy and headed through the underpass to the town.

"There's a few banks just up there," Den pointed to our right.

"Credit Suisse will do, I've used them before"

Talk about a weird bank! Normal banking was on the ground floor but a big sign stating 'Bureau de Change / Wechsel' pointed us up a curious spiral stairway onto an upper level. We joined the short queue for a teller.

"Doesn't look much like a bank does it?" Den observed

"Huh?" I was fumbling in my bag for my traveller's cheques and passport. "Er no I guess not" I agreed having a quick glance up and around the room. In truth it looked more like insurance office, no partitions or security glass, no it was all open plan and quite relaxed. We only waited a couple of minutes before we got a teller.

"Ich má¶chte gern diese Reisechecks einlá¶sen bitte"

I presented the cheques with my passport and the young woman counted them out.

"Zweihundert Euro?"

"Ja, bitte"

"Schweize Franc?"

"Bitte"

"Der Wechselkurs ist zwei fá¼nfzehn"

"Okay"

She played about on her keyboard for a moment then passed the slips over for signing. Signing! I've only been Nena Ziegler since Friday and my Passport signature is hardly a signature at all, more a written statement of fact! For the second time today I got a funny look as she examined my passport.

"Er moment bitte" she excused herself and taking my passport and the signed cheques headed to her supervisor.

"What's that all about?" Den enquired

"Dunno" we didn't get a chance to think too much about it as the teller and supervisor arrived at the desk.

"Excuse me Fraulein, this is yours?" the supervisor asked in good English

"Yes, is there something wrong?"

"No not really, but I advise you to get your passport corrected, it says you are a man which you are obviously not"

I heard Den chuckling behind me, I decided to play dumb.

"Where?"

"Zis code here" he pointed to a string of numbers across the edge of the page, "this letter here should be F not M"

"Computers" I sighed, "thanks for telling me"

"A pleasure Miss Ziegler, Hilde will get your money" he left with Den trying to suppress his laughter.

The teller, Hilde finished on the keyboard, obviously nothing much gets past her, and there was a minute or so delay before a canister popped out of a recess in the desk. Ah so that's why there's minimal security, there's no cash kept on the floor, cool! She counted out the brightly coloured Swiss notes and dropped the cheques into the canister and sent it off to who knows where.

"Apologies for the delay Fraulein, have a pleasant stay in Switzerland"

"Thanks Hilde, wiedersehn!"

"Wiedersehn"

Well after that I was, I don't know, relieved, annoyed? A bit of both I suppose, relieved that they thought it was an error and annoyed that they didn't doubt that I was a girl. Or is that the other way round? Now I'm confused.

We walked into the main town square and randomly selected a table outside of a bar.

"I don't know how you did it?" Den said poker faced as I pored over the menu.

"What, in the bank?"

"No, well that as well. No how did you manage to pretend to be a bloke for so long?"

I couldn't have been listening properly.

"Pretending to be" then I got it! "Den, just you wait!"

"Seriously Nena, I know and I only see a girl opposite me, what chance has anyone else got, I'll tell you, none"

I was distracted by two of the waiters, I got a bit of their mumbled conversation on the breeze which roughly translated as 'I wouldn't mind a bit of that' 'that lucky old sod with her'. I don't think I'll tell Den! I was brought back to the present by Den's voice.

"What's this Nena?" he pointed to a name

"Gitziprá¤gel?" I wasn't sure, "some sort of fritter I think" I addressed the waiter, I'm sure he winked at me!

"Was ist Gitziprá¤gel bitte?"

"Kaninchen im Schlagteig, eine spezial auf Schweize" he advised

"Battered rabbit" I translated, "some sort of local thing"

"Well you only live once!" Den addressed the waiter, "Eine bitte"

"Gitziprá¤gel, und fur die Fraulein?"

I scanned the menu again.

"Was ist die Tagessuppe bitte?"

"Spargelsuppe"

Hmmm, asparagus!

"Okay, eine Suppe und eine Jura Omelette bitte"

"Trinke?"

"Zwei Glas Cola bitte"

"Eis?"

"Ja danke"

I know he winked this time!

"Eine Gitziprá¤gel, eine Tagessuppe, eine Jura Omelette und zwei Cola" he reprised our order, then headed off to no doubt exchange comments about me with his mates.

It must have shown on my face.

"It goes with the territory you know"

"What does?"

"Getting chatted up"

"He wasn't was he?"

"Women!" Den rolled his eyes

"You're having me on!" I took a playful swipe at him

"Well you looked so serious. So what are you having?"

"Asparagus soup and a fancy cheese omelette"

Our drinks arrived and soon after so did our food. Dens rabbit smelt as good as it looked and the asparagus soup was hmmm, gorgeous! We still had a bit of time after we finished eating so Den came up with the idea of climbing up to the 'castle'. It was a fair ol' climb but eventually we emerged at the top, I was more than happy to collapse onto a bench while Den got us some frozen dairy product, you know, ice cream.

We sat looking down over the river and town below for a few minutes while we ate our ices. The sun beat down incessantly so after a quick stroll around the walls we headed down, back to the here and now of work. We managed to beat any of the passengers back to the bus, Den got the air con going while we waited, it was well over 100 inside Betsy! I watched fascinated as one of the famous Swiss Post buses came in to the little bus station and collected a huge four wheel trailer before collecting a couple of passengers and heading out into the Swiss countryside. Talk about integrated systems!

The passengers started drifting back, Bag Man had acquired a straw hat and the Lates lived up to their reputation, late and him still in his overcoat! There's not much choice of route back to Todtmoos so we retraced our route with only a brief stop at the border point this time. I did a drinks run, much appreciated and the cold drink supply was running low but after the trip down we could do with topping up the coffers!

Den had obviously been studying his Falk because he had us on some narrow lanes through some pleasant little villages, by some of the looks we got, coaches don't usually use this route! We pulled up back at the hotel a bit after five and although it had only been a shortish trip I was knackered! Must be the heat.

"Good day you two?" Maria asked as we joined her in reception.

"Hot" I mentioned

"Well you'll be up for our pool party after dinner then"

"Pool party?"

"David, our chef, he has a large pool and Monday nights since he came we always go for a swim, you're both invited and I won't take no for an answer"

"Well I'm in" Den agreed

"Er, okay" another curve ball.

"Great, wear your best bikini"

"Me too?" Den chortled

"Dennis! Just Nena in a bikini of course" talk about humour bypass!

"Okay then bigmouth, what do I do now? I've got three hours to come up with some sort of swimsuit that I don't want to wear to a party I don't want to go to!" I hissed at Den as we walked up to our rooms.

"You'll think of something!"

 

---

 
Maddy Bell 14.06.04  © 2004
Photos  © Maddy Bell 2001,2002
 
 
End of Part 3
 
 
To Be Continued...

Pictures of Nena have been generated using Ania's 'Cherie' Fkiss doll on Angy-Chan's template and are Copyright 2004. They are used with permission, if you'd like to see more go to www.acharsi.prv.pl

---

 

Nena: Book 3 - Jungfrau

 
 

---

 
Part 4
 

"Jools, help!" "Chris?" "Who else, you've got to help!" I demanded "Whoa girl, slow down." I calmed down and sank down onto my bed. "Better?" "Sort of" "Okay so what's the panic?" "We got invited to a pool party tonight"

"Cool!"

"No it's not. I can't go"

"Why not?"

"Well duh, they'll be expecting me to wear a swimsuit, Maria said as much just now"

"And?"

"What do you mean 'and'? In case you've forgotten I'm not exactly all woman and there is no way, even if I had one, you'd not get me in it"

"Slow down. Number one - you looked all girl to me on Friday, no one'll be able to tell you've got something extra down below. And two, I put one of my bikini's in your case so you do have a suit"

"But Jools, I don't want to go" I whined

"You'd go as Chris right?"

"I suppose"

"Well you can go as Nena then. You can't be Nena no friends all season"

"But..."

"Ut uh! No excuses, you can wear the sarong, now stop stalling. So how's the trip going?"

How does she do that? Turn the conversation around like that. So I spent the next, I dunno, half an hour, bringing her up to date and getting the latest from the Riviera. Eventually though we ended the call, dinner was beckoning and we both needed to get ready.

"Er Nena"

"What" I snapped

"Look I'm sorry, I should've at least asked you before accepting, I'll tell Maria we can't go" Den was contrite

"Well it would have been nice to have been asked"

"As I said, I'm sorry"

"We're going but you owe me one"

"Going?"

"Yes going. If I'm gonna be Nena all summer, I need to act like Nena and whether I like it or not, that includes going to this damn pool party"

I'm not sure who was most surprised by my 'outburst', Den or me? Well anyway there was dinner first, not that I was that hungry, nerves I guess.

Can I really get away with this? I looked at my reflection and had to question the wisdom of this. The bikini top emphasized my silicon boobs and the sarong slung around my hips between them revealed far too much of me! I slipped my jacket on, there is just no way I'm walking through the hotel like this! I decided that I'd best take a change of clothing with me, in case I ended up in the water, not that I planned to do so but well you never know.

Well what a night! Maria had organized a taxi, David's apartment was actually in Todtnau, a few kilometers away and when we arrived things were already in full swing! It felt a bit uncomfortable besides strange to be introduced to all these strangers as Nena and not wearing much more than underwear! Den was resplendent in cargo shorts and a terrible Hawaiian shirt and as usual was right in there. It helped of course that our host, the chef, David is a Scot so the two of them got on famously. Me being a girl, and German, supposedly, I had no such reprieve! Nope, I was 'stuck' with a bevy of bikini-clad women. I could hardly keep my jacket on as all the others were down to their cozies, boy did I feel exposed! Den 'helped' David with the bar and food and a few people braved the pool. I got as far as paddling from the poolside with Maria and I think the other girl was Inge or something like that, I couldn't quite tell as she had a bit of a lisp. As the evening bore on it got a bit rowdier, more people ended up in the pool including me. I was taken by surprise when I was hauled vertically from the poolside, slung over a large German shoulder then along with my abductor launched into the pool. By the time I'd recovered from the shock there were only about two people not bobbing around in the pool. Given everyone's happy mood I decided to go with the flow and I almost forgot how I was dressed for a while as everyone splashed each other amongst screaming, giggling and general good humour.

It was only when I finally dragged myself out of the water that I recalled my barely decent attire.

"You'd best get changed" Den suggested draping a towel around my shoulders

"How come you're still dry?"

"Experience. Now go get changed while you've got a chance of some privacy"

Hmm. Good idea!

By the time I emerged into the rapidly cooling night, most of the other swimmers were out of the water and I guess the party was winding down a bit. A few people were slow dancing; others were back to drinking and talking. I got talking with Inge and discovered her lisp was caused by her new tongue decoration. I wasn't sure whether to be grossed out by it or intrigued. Intrigue won out I think, I couldn't stop looking in her mouth at the shiny orb sat on her tongue! Now that is gross! Looking in someone's mouth, not the piercing. Oh you know what I mean!

It was after midnight when our ride back to Todtmoos turned up and we made our farewells. Despite my earlier apprehension and misgivings, I really had a good time. I woke up when the taxi stopped at the hotel, my head in Den's lap, his arm around me. Whoa! I do not want to go there! I finally collapsed onto my bed and in minutes I was out of it.

"Good morning everybody!" I beamed down the bus as Den headed Betsy towards today's destination, Baden Baden. It was however a false impression, I was actually feeling pretty knackered. Last night turned out to be great, even ending up in the pool wasn't so bad but I could have done without this mornings nine o'clock start!

Everyone looked happy enough as I did my customary morning trip up the bus, it took about forty-five minutes to get across to the Autobahn for our trip north and shortly after Freiburg I started a drinks run. Up past Lahr, Offenburg, the turn for Kehl and Strasbourg that we'd used to enter Germany on Sunday. Achern, Bá¼hl, next turn Baden ²! Instead of following the coach park signs, Den took us through the tunnel to emerge closer to the attractions.

"We have just one hour here so if you can please return for ten to twelve"

At least parking at this end of town the punters were closer to the 'attractions', the casino, the hot springs and just as importantly, the shops!

"You going for a walk?" Den asked as the last of our charges headed off.

"I think I'll give it a miss, you want a drink?"

"Wouldn't mind a coke"

"Coming up"

"So you recovered from the party?" he called up the bus.

"Just about. What about you?"

"I stuck to coke all night" he took the can I offered

"Wish I had, sorry for falling asleep in the cab"

"No problem, you looked well gone"

"Don't remind me! God it's hot on here, I'm gonna sit over on the grass"

"I'll grab forty winks then"

I dug around my bag and found my Cornwell and leaving Den behind went to sit in the shade. I made myself comfortable and started to read more of Thomas of Hookton's adventures in thirteenth century France. After a few minutes I slid my strappy sandals off and luxuriated in the slightly damp feel of the grass between my toes. A huge Univers coach pulled up behind our bus and for a few minutes the chatter of German tourists broke the peace of the little apron of serenity. I returned to my book after checking my watch, twenty minutes yet.

"Hallo?"

I jerked my head up, was someone talking to me.

(Translated from German)

"Oh sorry, I thought you were someone I know." The girl was about my age with dark hair and the smart Univers uniform on.

"That's okay" I smiled up at her.

"You are with the English coach?"

"Um, yes"

"My friend, she works for the same company, perhaps you know her? Julia?"

Coincidence or what.

"I think so," I added a doubtful tone to my reply

"She has a boyfriend who works for your company too?"

"Oh I know who you mean! I only started this week."

"You are English? Sorry I'm Sonia"

What to reply? Well perhaps a bit of embellishment was in order.

"Nena, my parents are German but I was born in England"

I'll have to write all this down!

"That explains why you speak such good German"

"Sonia!" a male voice called out, "give me a hand here"

"Kurt, my driver" she rolled her eyes, "useless like all men! Maybe we'll see each other again later, we are on the HochstraáŸe, oh and tell Julia hello for me"

"I will, tschuss!

"Wiedersehn!"

(Back to English folks!)

That was a bit unexpected. My passengers were starting to arrive back, ah well, back to work! As you might have guessed, ten to twelve was a ruse; we didn't need to be away until midday. Just as well really as the lates were true to form and now had a new disciple, bagman! Ah well, these things are sent to try us.

Den set us off up the avenue out of Baden ² and I took up the microphone.

"I hope you all enjoyed our short visit to Baden - Baden, no one lost all their money in the casino eh?"

A few chortles came back.

"They take that possibility seriously here, residents of Baden are not allowed to play the tables, sensible really, as traditionally the poor are looked after by the stadt, er town so it is everyone's interests. Only visitors can be poor in Baden! In a moment, we will join the Schwarzwald-HochstraáŸe, one of Germany's famous tourist routes. If you look out to the right, over the famous Kirschen orchards, you can see across the Rheintal, the Rhine valley to the hills of Alsace and the Vosges"

"Hang on tight" Den interrupted, I made a grab for a handrail to steady myself as we swung around one of the tight bends that characterize this northern end of the road.

"In a few kilometers we will stop for lunch at Mummelsee. We will have one hour thirty, plenty of time to eat and explore the gift shops!" that got a bit more reaction - food and shopping!

I sat myself back down and enjoyed the drive south, it barely seemed five minutes before we pulled into the parking area at Mummelsee, actually it was nearer to twenty five as Den had been taking it steady. As usual the place was packed with tourists as befits one of the 'must stops' on the HochstraáŸe. Two o'clock was our target departure time, plenty of time. I succeeded in getting everyone across the road in one piece and as they all set off in search of bargains and food I headed straight into the Inn where Den would meet me.

"There you are, you ordered yet?" Den enquired "Only drinks, she'll be back for our food order in a moment" Okay so I won't go on about the food today! Well not too much, I had a pretty good Rá¶sti and Den had Gulaschsuppe. "I met a friend of Jools in Baden" "Hmm?" Den enquired around a mouthful of soup. "Her names Sonia, she was on that Univers coach" "That six wheel thing?" "Yeah"

"So how come she talked to you?"

"I think she thought I was Julia, seeing our bus"

"Well she was nearly right"

"Yeah, can't say as I'm that chuffed at being mistaken for my girlfriend though"

"No disrespect to Julia but she's the one who should be concerned"

"What do you mean?"

"Well the fact that this, what's her name"

"Sonia" I supplied

"Yeah, Sonia, thought you looked enough like Julia to speak to you, just confirms what I've said before."

"Which is?" I was getting a bit antsy

"That no one would even contemplate that you're not what you seem"

"If that was meant to mollify me, don't bother" I huffed

One good thing about this stop is that everything, shops, lake, restaurant, are all pretty compact so for the first time on the tour, even the lates were back at the coach on time. I was still a little pee'd at Den but that little victory cheered me no end!

Once more we pulled onto the HochstraáŸe but not for long as we shortly turned off for our next stop, the Allerheiligen Fá¤lle.

"We will be stopping again shortly, I must warn you that there is a one point five kilometer walk, any one who prefers not can stay on the coach with Dennis, you can see the falls from the bottom."

I just had time to put my trainers on before Den pulled us into the coach park.

"If you can follow the signs to the falls I will follow along behind"

Most of the passengers elected to do the walk a couple of older couples and, yes! The lates, on the bus.

"We'll see you in about three quarters of an hour then" Den mentioned

"Okay, have the kettle on" I joked grabbing my bag and stepping off of Betsy.

I made a lav stop before following my passengers down the path towards the falls. I'd just about caught up with the tail end Charlie's by the time we got to the top of the falls proper. I'd forgotten how steep the path is, I'm glad we were going down, the German party coming up were making hard work of it. Hang on, I saw some of this lot earlier, they're off of Sonia's bus. Truth be told, the falls were more noise than action today, last time I was here it had rained over night and it was a regular torrent rushing down the gorge. We finally made the bottom and as we reached the road I was a little disappointed not to see the Univers bus there. For some reason I wanted to talk to Sonia. "We got everyone?" I enquired "I think so, saw your mate on the way down" "Yeah I saw her passengers on their way up" "You want to do a quick Freudenstadt? Or head straight back?" There was a good reason for the proposed stop, I fancied afternoon tea and for the passengers, Freudenstadt has the largest market square in Germany at over half a square kilometer!

"It's only three, if we go back up onto the top road we can manage half an hour I suppose"

Den sat himself down while I did a quick heads count, all present and correct. We turned around and headed back up the hill. At the top I spotted Sonia and Kurt by their monster bus.

"Give 'em a toot Den"

Betsy issued forth a loud Beeeeeeep, the Univers crew looked up and Sonia recognizing our machine cheerily waved. It must be catching, I waved back and strangely as I looked back up the bus so were half of our passengers. No idea why! We rejoined the tourist route and the twenty-five K's soon slipped by and we were soon parking up in the town's huge square. "Okay we have a bonus stop here in Freudenstadt, four o'clock Dennis?" "Quarter past" he advised "Den says we need to leave at four fifteen, so if you can all be back promptly please." They all exited the bus into the late afternoon sunshine, some headed straight for a nearby café, others set off to explore around the arcades that surround much of the square. "Coffee?" Den asked once we were unloaded "You read my mind"

After locking down the bus we headed to one of the square side café's and sat under an umbrella in the light breeze, I suddenly felt content. The cappuccino and the large slice of Black Forest Gateaux only reinforced the feeling. Guess who was last back to the bus? You got it and annoyingly we could see them making their way oh so slowly back to us. They even had the nerve to go into a shop!

Well I determined to not let them wind me up today so I just smiled pleasantly when they finally arrived and boarded. Den soon had us headed out on the more scenic route south to Wolfach, Elzach then via St Peter to Todtnau, scene of last night's shenanigans, before arriving at ten to six back at our Todtmoos base. No surprise parties tonight I hope!

 
 

---

 
Maddy Bell 18.06.04  © 2004
Photos  © Maddy Bell 2001,2002
 
 
End of Part 4
 
 
To Be Continued...

Pictures of Nena have been generated using Ania's 'Cherie' Fkiss doll on Angy-Chan's template and are Copyright 2004. They are used with permission, if you'd like to see more go to www.acharsi.prv.pl

---

 

Nena: Book 3 - Jungfrau

 
 

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Part 5
 
No Marie tonight, instead I barely recognised Inge with her clothes on manning reception. Oops! You know what I mean, she was wearing a bikini last time I saw her.

"You have a good trip today?" I'd told her where we were off to last night.

"Pretty good, no drama's at least. Any luck with, you know?"

"With what?" Den enquired

"Inge's Dad runs the mining museum just up the road," I advised

"Donnerstag after dinner okay?" Inge told us

"He said yes? That'd be great. How much? I'll tell the passengers tonight."

"Fá¼nf Euro each"

"That sounds good, I'm sure they'll go for it. I'll let you know numbers later yes?"

"Okay, see you later Nena, I'm on reception all evening, oh I nearly forgot, Maria asked me to mention, erm Frá¼hstá¼ck?"

"Sandwiches?"

"Yes, sorry to have to mention it but " she shrugged in resignation

"Hey not your fault" Den stated, "we'll mention it later okay"

"Danke"

"I'll see you later about the visit Inge" I confirmed

"Okay"

"Tschuss"

"Where did that come from?" Den asked as we headed up to our rooms.

"We were talking at the party last night, it was Maria's idea really"

"No one could ever accuse you of not trying!"

"Yep, I'm very trying" I quipped

"I'll do the jokes if you don't mind" he retorted

"Don't they ever listen, I bet we get this breakfast thing every time we come here," I complained

"Not your fault if they want to be treated like kids"

"I know but it's embarrassing"

It was a traditional pork meal tonight, a bit much for some people, myself included. I've never been great at eating off the bone so I'll admit to only picking at my main course. There were a few red faces when I mentioned the hotels stance on breakfast, from some unexpected quarters! Certainly not who I'd got pegged as roll thieves! The proposed mine visit was well received; I had forty-three names for Inge.

With no driving for Den tomorrow, we slipped down to the Já¤germeister for some alcohol! About ten the smell of pizza got the better of me and I ordered a Hawaiian for 'supper'. We called it a night not long afterwards; it's an early start in the morning.

"Damn Chris, there's a bite in the air"

"Tell me about it" I retorted, "I'm freezing" I hugged my jacket closer as Den paced up and down. "Give over Den, they said seven, there's a few minutes yet" Yep seven o'clock in the AM is not the warmest time of day to be stood or sat on a breezy Todtmoos street corner.

Just then there was the distant sound of an approaching bus and I collected my bag and the 'takeaway' breakfast that Maria supplied for us. The growl of the approaching vehicle was the only human sourced noise, the twittering of the birds and rustling of leaves providing counterpoint.

Although we were the only pick up here, there were already about a dozen passengers on board and there were pickups all the way down to Bad Sá¤ckingen. It seemed a bit odd not sitting at the front and Den was certainly at a loss! We made four more pickups before our last in Laufenburg. The driver turned us around and dropped down to the Rheinbrá¼cke and the crossing into Switzerland.

It was like something out of one of those old spy films, barriers at each end of the bridge and guards complete with guns. All very James Bond! The guard did a cursory passport check and waved us through into the impossibly narrow lanes through the Swiss side of town. It was already eight o'clock as we left the Rhein and headed into northern Switzerland.
 
 
I sat watching the green fields go by, Den broke open our 'breakfast' and I munched on a ham sandwich as we headed towards Aarau. This was all new to me, when we transit this area we are on the motorways, we never see the countryside more than as a fleeting backdrop to a procession of motor vehicles.

We joined the motorway system just north of Luzern, not a stop on today's trip. I was starting to feel vindicated by my choice of outfit for the day, it was warming up nicely and almost clear blue skies were reflected in the waters of the Vierwald Stá¤ttersee, Lake Lucerne to you and me! Pilatus loomed on our right as we turned for the Brá¼nigpass and the northern range of the Swiss Alps appeared on the skyline.

I was a bit surprised when we pulled off of the main road in a little village and came to rest outside what I can best describe as an up market transport café.

"Dreizehn minuten bitte" the driver advised, he was first off and into the little emporium!

"Coffee?" I suggested

"Why not" Den agreed

We joined the motley collection of German hausfrau's, pensioners and holidaymakers that made up the passenger list and found a little table by the open front windows.

"Enjoying it?" I asked

"It feels pretty odd, not driving"

"I know what you mean, I keep thinking I ought to check on the passengers"

"The driver's not exactly talkative is he?"

"I guess there's not much mileage in getting friendly with day trippers"

"I suppose" Den allowed
 

We finished our drinks and with ten minutes before we were due to leave, took the opportunity to have a quick explore of the village, Sachseln apparently. Not much to see really, down past the main road the waters of a lake sparkled in the morning sunshine and almost next to the café the imposing church dominated. Back on the bus once more, we resumed our journey, climbing steadily up to the top of the Brá¼nigpass, the sign at the top claimed a mere 1008m. We dropped much more rapidly on this side joining the road towards Brienz and Interlaken. At the former we passed a smoky little steam locomotive waiting to haul it's passengers up the mountainside beside us. No stop at the woodcarvers for us today, instead we followed the Brienzersee along to Interlaken. I have to say that I was less than impressed with the place, a few big hotels and a smattering of mostly tourist shops. I guess it does make an excellent base for exploring the area, lakes, mountains and some of the finest rail rides anywhere. I don't think anyone was too upset when we didn't stop for more than the lights and instead continued on across the valley floor towards our lunch stop. Leaving the main valley our route wound slowly uphill before turning onto the climb proper that after a short series of hairpins brought us out under the gaze of the top of Europe a mass of 4000m summits crowding the horizon. This is more like it! It was just a smidgen after twelve when we pulled to a halt in one of the coach parks. Everyone got off but we had no instruction from the driver.     "Um wieviel Uhr fá¤hrt der Bus ab?" I enquired

"Fá¼nfzehn Uhr"

"Drei Uhr?"

"Ja"

Talkative isn't he?

"Three o'clock Den"

"What do you want to do then?"

"Eat, how about going on a train or something, we've got time I reckon"

"Well let's check that out first" Den suggested, "I saw the station just back down the road"

There were some nice shops; I wouldn't mind a look in one or two of them if we have time. At the Bahnhof Den took charge and checked the timetables and pricelists.

"It's not cheap," he declared

"Go on"

"Over fifty quid to the top"

"That is a fair chunk of dosh," I agreed

"Hmm, we could go to this Shedig place, that's only fifty three Francs"

"Well I guess we're here, it's not like we're skint" I checked the map to see where he meant, must be this Kleine Scheidegg place.

"Come on then, it's due to leave in a couple of minutes."
 
 
Tickets bought, we climbed onto the waiting train and settled into a pair of window seats and pushed the window down. I breathed the clean rare mountain air and sat back with a smile on my face. With a squeal and lurch we were off. As we cleared the station the north face of the Eiger came into view and I could just pick out the rail line on the alp below that huge slab of rock.

Den was busy with his camera and as we dropped down to cross the valley I closed my eyes and sighed in satisfaction. This is the life, fresh air, no responsibilities, and great scenery; yep I could get to like this! I unconsciously straightened my skirt; well maybe there is one thing I'd change!

"You okay?" Den asked pausing from his David Bailey activities.

"Yep, I could manage this every day"

"You'd get bored eventually"

"I guess but it'd be good for a while. What about you? You ever fancy doing something other than driving?"

"Not really, oh I know it can be boring up and down the motorways but I'm pretty much my own boss, I get to go to some interesting places, meet lots of people."

"I guess you're right, I would get bored, but it's a nice idea"

The train steadily climbed towards our destination, still hidden from view ahead of us.

"So why did you agree to be Nena?" Den asked

Not a question I was prepared for really. I thought a while before replying.

"Not really sure, the money"

"I'd want more than a few extra quid to do what you're doing" Den mentioned

"Well I suppose I sort of enjoy being Nena"

"I know you've taken to the shopping aspect" he joked

"A girls got to look good" I smiled back, "and anyway you don't seem to mind me being Nena"

"Well I have to admit, I wasn't keen on the whole thing when it started but you're the same person underneath. You were always good to be on a tour with but with Nena it's, I don't know, different maybe better."

"You prefer me as a girl?"

"I didn't mean that, not really. It's just, oh I don't know! You seem to be more relaxed. You're sat there now just looking at the scenery and stuff, if Chris was here"

"He is," I pointed out

"If Chris was here" he reaffirmed, "he'd be bouncing around taking photo's, rattling away about this and that. You're just a lot calmer in a skirt"

Am I really? Does wearing a skirt make that difference? I don't feel any different; I hadn't even noticed that I was talking less. Did I talk because I was nervous; am I more confident in women's togs?

The train rattled and clanged to a stop, we were at Kl. Scheidegg station.

"Come on, lets get some lunch" Den suggested.

"Coming"

We joined the diners on the restaurant terrace under the gaze of the Má¶nch and Jungfraujoch. After a light lunch we had half an hour before our return train so we took a stroll up the hillside and found a spot to sit amongst the alpine flowers under the still clear blue skies, just a hint of cloud touching a snow capped mountaintop. A train trundled past below us breaking the silence. "So you gonna be Chris again after the season?" "You bet! There is no way I want to keep these," I hefted my boobs, "or sit to wee longer than necessary!" Den looked thoughtful "We'll see" What's that supposed to mean?

 
We arrived back in Grindelwald at two thirty, time for a quick shop! Well window shop anyway. I actually only bought a couple of postcards but it was the effort that counts! Back at coach there were still a few minutes before we were due to leave, the driver was doing a good trade in bottles of beer and soft drinks. Den fetched a couple of bottles and we sat looking at the mountains sipping beer, drinking in the view until we heard the coach start up.

At this time of day you'd expect to be heading home and we were soon back at Interlaken, we picked up the northbound motorway up past Spiez and Thunersee and along the Aare valley before pulling into Bern. I wrote my postcards and stuck stamps on, I intended to post them in Switzerland. Our taciturn driver pulled up by the bear pits and with only a cursory 'eine Uhr' left us to it.

Much as I hate this sort of thing we joined the crowds at the bear pits where a couple of slightly sorry looking Ursus kept the crowds attention, but not mine.

"Come on Den, let's have a look up the town"

"We've only got an hour"

"Long enough"
 
 
We crossed the bridge high above the Aare and entered Bern old town. The road climbed up and shortly the road was flanked by arcades on both sides of the road hiding a whole variety of shops. Den took a few more pictures, the arcades, mid road statuary and such, I found a post box for my cards, 'nother job done. We didn't get that far really before it was time to head back, we crossed the road and headed back down the hill.

Commuter traffic slowed our exit from the city but soon we were back on the motorway skirting the Bernese Oberland on our way back to Aarau and eventually Germany. I have to admit that the mountain air had got to me and the boring motorway soon had my eyelids dropping. A sudden deceleration jerked me awake and to my mortification realised I had been lying on Den's shoulder.

"Er sorry"

"What for?"

"Laying on you"

"Don't worry about it"

"Where are we?"

"Aarau I think, it's not far back to the river from here"
 
 
Den was right; we were soon waiting for the Swiss Guard back at the Rheinbrá¼cke. The drop offs were quicker than this mornings pick ups and we stepped down ourselves in Todtmoos shortly after seven thirty, too late for dinner at the hotel, but we knew that anyway.

"Good day?" Maria greeted us

"Brilliant!" Den supplied

"I think he enjoyed himself" Maria quipped, "you two eaten?"

"Not since lunch"

"Well go and get freshened up, you can come eat with me"

"There's no swimming pools involved?"

"No, only Boris"

"Who's Boris?" Den asked

"My baby"

"I didn't know you had children Maria"

"Kinder? No, no, Boris is my Hund!" she laughed

"Okay, thanks Maria, we'll join you and Boris for dinner"

"About forty minutes then"

"Forty minuten" I confirmed
 

At the allotted hour Maria found us and the three of us set off on the short walk to Maria's apartment. It was pleasant if small but it did sport a good-sized balcony, Boris' territory! Oh yeah Boris is what I call a 'sausage dog', and for all lack of leg he gets around quick enough! The fact that dinner arrived pretty quick told me that Maria had this planned earlier.   "Ooh thanks Maria, smells good" "Ach it's not so much" The not much was meatballs and spaghetti followed by cheese and biscuits. "Is that the time already, you'll have to excuse me for a few minutes, I need to take Boris for a quick walk" "I'll do that Maria" Den volunteered "Are you sure Dennis, he can be very stubborn" "No problem, me and Boris get along just fine, don't we lad" Den chucked Boris under the chin. So Den set off with Boris in tow leaving me at Maria's tender mercies.

 
She started in German, which I've translated for you

"You are Transvestit no?"

Well how's that for an opening gambit!

"Sorry?"

"You are Chris aren't you?"

"I, ah" I started to panic

"Calm down, you've answered the question."

I took a long draft of coffee and sat looking at my hands.

Maria pulled her chair round next to me.

"Don't worry, it doesn't bother me and if you were wondering how I guessed, well it wasn't anything you've said or done wrong. In fact I still can't believe it myself"

"So how?"

"The register, you signed in as Chris Hornby"

"Bum!"

"I remember Chris from last year, he looked nothing like you do now. If you don't mind me asking, why the change?"

"It's a long story but not what you think"

"If you want to tell me?"

"Okay, well it started..."
 
 
I gave her the short version, short enough that Boris was still not back from his walkies when I finished.

"Den knows this?"

"From the start" I confirmed

She shook her head in amazement.

"Well your secret's safe with me but I think the chef will be disappointed!"

"He doesn't?"

"Hook, line and sinker. Don't worry, I'll put him off."

Den and the moribund Boris returned just then.

"We ought to be making tracks Nena" Den advised

"I suppose so. Thank you for the meal and everything Maria"

"No problem. See you both at breakfast"

"Goodnight"

"Night"

"Maria knows," I mentioned as we walked back

"How?" Den asked calmly

"I signed the register as Chris on Sunday, it wouldn't take a great detective to work it out"

"I take it she's okay though?"

"Yeah but I've got another problem"

"More?"

"Your buddy David has apparently got the hot's for me"

"My girl's pulled!"

"No she hasn't and doesn't want to either!" I fumed

"Easy. So what are you going to do?"

"Maria said she'd have a quiet word."

"You need a 'taken' flag"

"A what?"

"A 'taken' flag. You know like a wedding or engagement ring. It won't put all the Lothario's off but it will work on most of them."

"But that's ..."

"That's sensible, that's what it is. Unless you want to have a string of love struck men trailing you?"

"No way!"

"In that case I suggest we look out for a ring. Call it part of the camouflage"
 
 
We reached the Schwarzwalder Hof and were greeted by Inge, covering the night shift.

"Good dinner?"

"Fine thanks, tomorrow night?"

"I've swapped shifts with Birgit and Maria has already asked Dave to have dinner ready a bit earlier"

"Thanks Inge, you're a treasure!"

"That's what friends are for"

"We'd best get to bed" Den mentioned

"Let her get some sleep though Dennis" Inge suggested. I blushed all the way to the roots.

"In her own bed, she snores" Den retorted

"Good night Inge" I managed

"Gá¼ten Ná¤chte"
 
 

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Maddy Bell 19.06.04  © 2004
Photos  © Maddy Bell 2001,2002
 
 
End of Part 5
 
 
To Be Continued...

Pictures of Nena have been generated using Ania's 'Cherie' Fkiss doll on Angy-Chan's template and are Copyright 2004. They are used with permission, if you'd like to see more go to www.acharsi.prv.pl

---

 

Nena: Book 3 - Jungfrau

 
 

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Part 6
 
I woke to the sound of birds chirping away outside my window, a quick glance at my watch confirmed my worst fears, it was only six thirty! I thought back over last night at Maria's, once more I've been found out, this time by a stupid signature! I say once more but in reality it's the first time isn't it, Ingrid had a tip off and, well there isn't an and.

Then there's David. I hope that Maria can put him off the trail. Den's right though I need to take some precaution and get some man handling advice!

"I hope you all had a good time yesterday?" I got the usual round of mumbles in reply. I went on, "today we are to visit some of the Schwarzwald's best known destinations, on the way Dennis will give us a small scenery tour. So sit back and enjoy the ride"

I replaced the microphone and sat back into my little cave. Den headed us north and three quarters of an hour later we arrived at one of the tourist 'honey pots', Titisee. We looped off the main road to join an already full coach park, we had already decided to make this a quickie, and the passengers will appreciate it later - honest! We sent them off for an hour and after a quick brew I settled down to read more of my Cornwell novel while Den made Betsy pretty outside.

True to form the 'lates' were once again fashionably late, Den winked at me as I helped them on board, yep we'd got their measure!

"We must be going to Triberg now" I heard one of the punters tell one of his fellows as we did indeed join the 500 north. Little do they know. I waited a bit before taking up the mike and starting my rehearsed spiel.

"I hope you all enjoyed the See" mumbles, "well now we will see some not spoiled scenery" Den made a left. "So, what is the Schwarzwald famous for?"

"Gateau!" that was expected!

"Yes, the Schwarzwald Torte, anything else?"

"Trees"

"Trees of course" I encouraged

"Cuckoo clocks" finally!

"Yes, cuckoo clocks! The road we are now on is called the Deutsche UhrenstraáŸe or German Clock Road; the villages along the way are famous for their clocks and woodcarving. The speciality of this region is of course cuckoo clocks and we will stop for lunch at Triberg where we will see the largest cuckoo clock in Germany!" by now they were mostly looking at the scenery and waiting to spot the first clocks.
 
 
At Sankt Má¤rgen I headed up the bus to do a tea run and as we wove around the little villages and hillsides I did a fair old trade. At Sankt Peter we took a short cut along part of the PanoramastraáŸe up to Waldkirch before rejoining the Clock Road back towards lunch.

"Up on our left is the Bregquelle, the ursprung, how do you say erm, yes source of the River Donau, the Danube."

There were several 'oohs' and some straining to see something, later we'd cross the fledgling river but here there is nothing to see! We dropped around the bends into Triberg and Den pulled in behind a familiar looking bus, Sonia's charge, the big Univers Setra. Hmmm, maybe I can have a chat with her?

"We have two hours here, the famous Triberger Wasserfall is just a short walk, it is the highest in Germany and of course there are café's and shops in the town here. There are toiletten just behind the bus. So half past two please"

They all filed off, the call of the lav getting most of the coach, the clock and tat shop opposite gaining the rest.

"You fancy a walk?" Den asked

"Before or after we eat?"

"Before, we can go up to the falls"

"I suppose it would be a good idea, I've never actually been up"

"You surprise me"

"You've been?"

"Nah!"

"You're worse than me, the number of times you must have come here"

"I keep promising myself a clock too but I've never got round to it"

"Den!" I admonished

"Well" he locked the coach up, "something always distracts me"

We crossed the road and made our way up to the path to the falls.

"We have to pay?"

"Well it's only a couple of Euros, don't be so tight"

"I'm not!"

"Well shake a leg then"

"Women" he sighed

"I heard that"

"And?"

"Er nothing I was just saying"
 

Like a lot of these things, reality didn't fill our, well my expectations at least. Don't get me wrong here, there was plenty of falling water but Niagara it aint! We saw several of our passengers on the path including 'baggy' still dressed in his one set of clothes. There wasn't much to keep us there so we dropped back into town to get some lunch and maybe get Den his clock.   Back in the town, Sonia's bus had departed so no chat today, well for now at least! We found a café that did a reasonable schnitzel and chips then headed back up the hill towards the bus. "Lets go get you a clock" "Nah! I can wait" "Well I can't, you'll just go on about not getting one so come on" "You'd get on well with the missus" "Well we have one thing in common already" "Which is?" "We both got lumbered with you!" "Ooh that stings" "Sorry I couldn't resist, come on lets have a look at these clocks" I led the way into the shop, the front 'room' was pretty much taken up with tourist 'tat', in the back was the expensive stuff, wood carvings on one side and a wall full of cuckoo clocks! Small ones, big ones, electric and wind up, in every variety you can imagine. I was drawn to the more intricate multifunctional models, well until I saw the prices, well over Euro 1000,00!

 
"I like this one" Den mentioned pointing out a less grandiose piece

"Aw! That's cute" and indeed it was. The 'house' was a two-story affair with a balcony and window boxes. The cuckoo doors were in the roof apex above and the barometer feature had the traditional man and woman emerging onto the balcony. "Are you getting it then?"

"She'll kill me, it's a hundred quid"

"And next year it'll be more, and the year after"

"Okay, you've made your point"

I felt rotten for bullying him.

"So?"

"She can only kill me once I suppose, why not die happy!"

Most of the passengers were waiting when we got back to the coach bearing the two stout boxes containing the clock, two because one had the weights and chains the other the house. Of course the punters were intrigued so Den had to open up and show his purchase to the assembled masses!

By the time we were packed up and the clock stowed, even the 'lates' were back at Betsy. We set off down the hill just about on time. After a brief photo stop at the huge clock at the bottom of the hill we followed the road east to Villingen where we again picked up the UhrenstraáŸe for our afternoon drive through the hills of the eastern Schwarzwald.
 

I did another drinks run that just about cleared out the fridge, we'll need to restock in the morning. I remembered to get Den to stop as we crossed the stream that would become the Danube, nothing to see of course, it's just a little beck here. We stayed true to the scenic route as far as Lenzkirch, where we headed for the Schluchsee. We did a brief ice cream stop at the lakeside before resuming our journey back to Todtmoos via Sankt Blasien; after all we've got another excursion this evening!     True to her word, Maria had cajoled Dave into having our evening meal ready for six so that by seven everyone who'd signed up for tonight's visit was ready and waiting for our guide, Inge. "Sorry Nena, I had to sort Birgit out" "No problem, are we walking far?" "Neh, Papa is bringing the tram along"

 
"Tram? I didn't see any tracks," Den mentioned

"You are thinking of O-bahn" Inge chortled, "the museum has how do you say, touristzug?"

"A Noddy train, I saw a picture at the tourist office" I advised

"What is 'Noddy train'?" Inge enquired

"Ah... don't worry, the English humour" trying to explain Noddy and Big Ears was not a good idea!

Just about then the little land train pulled up outside of the hotel, my charges got the idea and piled on as Inge introduced her father to us.

"Thanks for doing this"

"My pleasure"
 
 
He started the tractor up and we chugged through the town and out the short distance to the mine entrance. Inge's Dad, Franz, spoke pretty good English that was just as well, my technical German is lousy!
 

"Good evening ladies und gentlemen, welcome to the Bergwerke Todtmoos, the Todtmoos Magnetite Mine. My name is Franz and I'll be your guide this night. Before we go inside I must ask you all to be careful, the tunnels are often low, we have hart Hut?" he gave me a questioning look. "Oh sorry, hard hats" "Yes hard hats in side for everyone"     I helped Franz and Inge get everyone helmeted then Franz led us off for an hour long trip around the maze of galleries that make up the 'public' areas of the mine. It was clear that Franz was a mining enthusiast; even philistines like myself got something out of the visit. By the time we got back to the hotel I was feeling a bit rough, I left Den to socialize for a while and headed to my room for an early night.

 
 

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Maddy Bell 30.06.04  © 2004
Photos  © Maddy Bell 2001,2002
 
 
End of Part 6
 
 
To Be Continued...

Pictures of Nena have been generated using Ania's 'Cherie' Fkiss doll on Angy-Chan's template and are Copyright 2004. They are used with permission, if you'd like to see more go to www.acharsi.prv.pl