by Ollie
My mum turned me into a girl. Well, actually it was her new friend, Alison, but my mum played along and, being my mum, she has to take the blame. Looking back I realised that Alison and my mum were very clever. I didn't see it coming and by the time I did, it was too late. It started when I was nine years old and by the time I was ten you could say that their mission was pretty much accomplished.
I know three facts and have one opinion about what happened to me. Fact one was that my mum and dad split up when I was five or six. It didn't really affect me. Mum and me got along just fine and I saw my dad from time to time, weekends usually and the ones when he wasn't working, so, although I didn't see a lot of him, there was no big problem to deal with and mum and him got along just fine too when they had to sort out anything to do with me. It's important to know that I was a good boy. I always did as I was told. That is fact two!
Fact three is that my life changed when Alison, entered our lives. Actually, I should say, 'Alison and her daughter, Hannah, entered our lives', since they came as a pair and an 'empowered' pair to use Alison's favourite word. To start with it was a lot of fun having Alison around. She was a larger than life character, always thinking up new things for us to do, new places to visit. We never had so many days out. And to be honest I quite liked having Hannah around as well. It was like a new sister had arrived. She was the same age as me and we played quite well together, never really falling out. We always played games that both boys and girls could play without feeling stupid. This was a rule we had made when they started visiting. I didn't get out my soldiers or what Alison called my 'aggressive computer games' and Hannah didn't bring her dolls. The only problem was that I wasn't allowed to play with Josh when Hannah was at our house.
"Oliver can't play today Josh dear" I heard my mum say at the front door. "We've got visitors for the weekend. He'll see you at school on Monday".
"Why can't Josh play too?" I asked her when she closed the door.
"It isn't fair on Hannah" she replied. I didn't ever argue with my mum, not because she was strict but because… well, I just never did. I did sulk, though, if I didn't like something and I sulked the day that Josh got turned away. And to make the point I told Hannah I wasn't in the mood to play with her and mooched upstairs to my room. I wouldn't dare storm up the stairs which is why I heard the conversation that followed.
"You see, Judy" I heard Alison say.
"He's just like any nine year old. He wants his own way and gets upset when he can't have it," my mum replied.
"Yes, they all start out like that and look what happens. Take my advice and act while you can."
"Oh I think I you're making too much of it. He's fine."
"Judy, Judy, I hope you're right my dear but if you would just listen to me… " which was all I heard as Alison walked to the kitchen and out of earshot.
Something about the way Alison spoke worried me. So did the fact that I knew she was talking about me and had obviously formed a strong opinion about something I did or didn't do. My opinion? Well, you'll have to wait for that.
Although that conversation worried me, Alison never gave me any cause to be afraid of her. She was always really friendly. After twenty minutes or so she came upstairs to find me on my own in my room. I was playing on my Play Station and felt immediately self- conscious about the game when she entered my room. Too much killing for her, I thought.
"Alright Ollie? Are you feeling a bit sad on your own?" she asked in her bright, 'let's have fun voice' that I usually liked so much.
"Not really, I just wanted Josh to play," I replied feeling a bit pathetic in the face of her breezy personality.
"Ah dear, poor thing. Hannah's feeling sad too. She came here to play with you and doesn't really understand why she's being ignored."
"I'm not ignoring her"
"But you're not playing with her. You're practising killing people instead aren't you?" There was a slight edge to her voice when she said this last bit but the smile never left her face.
"I'm just coming down now," I said as I packed up my game.
"Lovely!" Alison stood, smiled at me but with a 'look' in her eye that reminded me that she had definite opinions about me and I wasn't sure I wanted to now what they were.
When I got downstairs Hannah was practising ballet moves. I slumped on the sofa waiting for her to finish. She was good. My mum was watching in wide-eyed amazement. "I had no idea you were so good" she said.
"I don't get to practise when I come around here," Hannah answered. "Mum said it wouldn't be fair on Ollie."
"Oh Ollie won't mind will you Ollie?"
I didn't know what to say. I really didn't mind her doing her ballet steps but I'd come down to play. Alison made me think Hannah was downstairs waiting for me.
"Join in, Ollie." Alison said.
"No, " I said a little too quickly because it sounded almost defiant. It wasn't, it was more embarrassed.
"Ollie!" I had spoken sharply and Mum was shocked. She looked hard at me as if she was seeing something for the first time.
"Alright, but I don't know what to do," I said getting up from the sofa.
"Take your slippers off first, then follow what I do, "Hannah said. So I did. It wasn't easy, not as easy as Hannah made it look but I did get better and it was fun.
"You're really good," Alison said. "You should go to ballet lessons. Hannah will take you"
"Oh go on, Ollie," Hannah joined in.
"No thanks," I said. I couldn't face being laughed at. I didn't mind pretending with Hannah privately at home but I didn't want anyone finding out, even though it was fun. At one stage I tried to keep my left leg in the air as long as Hannah could. She had her leg right up high but I couldn't manage it. I laughed as I tried to keep my balance and my mum laughed and Hannah and Alison joined in. We were all laughing and when I collapsed on the floor it was as if it was the funniest thing in the world. Well that just led to other things and we were soon trying out jumps and I tried a twirl which I couldn't do properly at all. We were having so much fun that I didn't hear my mum leave the room and I only noticed when I heard her on the phone.
"Hello Josh. It's Ollie's mummy." Mummy? Since when had she been mummy? I always called her 'mum'. "Would you like to come round and play? Hannah and Ollie are doing their ballet practice. I'm sure they won't mind if you want to join them. No? Okay then dear." I heard the phone go down and mum came in. "Ollie, I called Josh but he's busy. He'll see you at school on Monday," she told me.
"Why did you phone him?"
"Well I thought you could all play together as you and Hannah are getting on so well."
"Yes but why tell him I was doing ballet?" I asked in a hurt voice making sure I wasn't too loud even though I wanted to scream at her. It would be all around school in no time.
"You are doing ballet Ollie," Alison replied. "Did you expect your mummy to tell a lie?" Mummy again!
"Josh didn't need to know," I said.
"Is there something wrong with ballet, Ollie?" Alison asked.
"No, but…"
"Didn't you have fun?"
I didn't wan to answer so Alison just repeated the question.
"Yes, I did but…"
"Well, I'm confused aren't you Judy?" Alison looked at my um in a 'told you so' way.
"It's just that boys don't really do ballet…" I suggested weakly.
"But you're a boy and you were doing it," Alison replied. Everything she said sounded so reasonable but I felt trapped. It was as if she was being too clever for me.
"It's just that Josh will tell everyone at school and they'll laugh and…" I looked around. I didn't seem to be convincing anyone.
"I thought Josh was your friend," Alison said.
"He is."
"Your best friend?"
"Yes."
"Then why should he want to make fun of you? If he does that he isn't much of a friend." She was too clever for me.
When Alison and Hannah left that evening I could tell that my mum was annoyed with me. She didn't say anything but she was not happy with me. I could always tell. While we were watching television she gave me strange looks out of the corner of her eye when she thought I wasn't looking. There was none of the fun of watching a programme together when we would laugh at or share comments. When she finally got around to speaking to me there was an edge to her voice she seemed to have picked up from Alison, but there was no smile.
"I'm ashamed of the way you behaved today. You were so ungrateful."
"I'm sorry," I said keeping my eyes fixed on the carpet. I didn't want her to see my eyes filling with tears. I couldn't bear her being cross with me and she was so seldom cross that it always upset me when she was.
"Alison and Hannah come around here and spend time with us, the least you could do would be to make them welcome."
"I do."
"You didn't today. All that fuss about ballet."
"I joined in with the ballet. I just didn't want Josh to know."
"You don't want Josh to know what? That you were having fun? That Hannah is a good friend?"
I didn't say anything. I didn't understand why it wasn't obvious to my mum that school would be terrible if everyone found out.
"Well, I hope you are better behaved tomorrow," she continued. Hannah and Alison are coming round and I shall expect you to tell Hannah yourself that you want to practise ballet. That might make her feel better about the events of today. It is the least you can do. Understand?"
"Yes, mum," I said weakly.
"Yes, Mummy!" she corrected me. 'Mummy' again. She never expected me to call her that.
"Yes, mummy," I said.
The next day I did as I was told almost as soon as Hannah was through the door. "I told you he enjoyed it Hannah," said Alison, laughing. "Poor Hannah thought she upset you by making you join in."
My mum looked across at me.
"She didn't make me. I wanted to try it," I said. "I really liked it."
"Why don't you two run along and play?" said Alison, "so that Judy and me can have a little chat and make some plans." She laughed as she guided my mum to the kitchen and Hannah led me upstairs.
"Oh Ollie, I'm so glad you want to dance. We can practice together and be partners," Hannah gushed as we went into my room. "Why don't you join my dance class?" she continued.
"I don't think I'm good enough yet," I stalled.
"You are brilliant," she replied. I didn't want another falling out with my mum and I was glad that Alison wasn't around to overhear or I was sure she would have trapped me into something else I didn't want to do.
"Tell you what," I said, "When I'm good enough I'll join but let's keep it a secret so that we can surprise our mums."
"Oh Ollie, that's a brilliant plan," Hannah said. She then took out two black leotards from her bag. She handed one to me. "Mummy said you could have my spare leotard so I brought it along."
"This is for me?" I said as I stared at the leotard dangling from her hand.
"Its better to have these. We can move more easily."
"Don't boys wear tights and a T shirt?" I asked.
"When you start classes I'm sure your mum will buy you the right things." She replied.
I hesitated holding the leotard not quite sure what to do next. Hannah undressed down to her knickers and put her leotard on. I was frozen with confusion not only because Hannah had got undressed in front of me without any embarrassment but also because I was obviously expected to wear the girl's leotard she had leant me. I couldn't face another falling out with my mum so I slowly started to undo my trousers. I pulled the leotard up and stretched it over my left shoulder but it was too tight. I thought if I continued I would rip it so with a large amount of relief I took it off again.
"Oh Ollie, I'm sorry," she said looking crestfallen. "It's my old one and I have grown a bit since then."
"It doesn't matter," I said trying to sound sorry. At least I had tried and my mum couldn't blame me for the leotard being too small. Hannah, though, had rushed off downstairs with the sad news. I got dressed again but mum and Alison were in my room before I got my sweatshirt back on.
"Oh Ollie, I'm sorry. I thought it might be a bit small," Alison said.
"Its okay," I said.
"So I brought another in case. Try this one!" Alison said with just a hint of command in her voice taking a brand new leotard out of her plastic shopping bag.
I stared at it and knew I had been cornered again. I dropped my trousers for a second time and reluctantly stepped into the new leotard. It was a perfect fit. I somehow knew it would be.
"Is it okay?" Alison asked.
"Yes, it fits," I said.
"Come here then," she said and snipped the price tag off. "We wanted to be sure in case it had to go back but as it is such a perfect fit..." She stepped back to admire me standing in front of them in my leotard feeling very silly indeed.
"Come on Ollie, let's dance," said Hannah grabbing me by the hand and leading me away but not before I heard my mum say to Alison, "I'll settle up with you before you go."
To be honest, I forgot about feeling silly in the leotard all the while we were dancing. Hannah could be great fun to be with even though she was a girl and I didn't normally play with girls. She had the same infectious laugh as her mother and, I noticed, the same knack for getting her own way. We were giggling like… well, like girls… in no time. When we stopped for lunch we didn't bother to get changed and it was only when mum and Alison set up the table in the garden that I again became self- conscious about wearing a girl's leotard. I didn't want the neighbours to see me. I was already worrying about what Josh was going to say at school on Monday.
"I'll eat in the kitchen," I said, even though I knew it was a waste of time.
"You'll eat with us!" my mum retorted and I tried to slide onto the patio so that no one would notice me. As soon as I was seated I felt better. From a distance it probably looked like I was wearing a T- shirt- a T- shirt with a low neck but that was okay. Mr Thomas, our next -door neighbour on the right, was in his garden. I had known him ever for as long as I could remember and I was always going around his house with food my mum had cooked for him. He was an old soldier and I loved hearing his stories about places in the world he had visited and the things he had seen. It was because of him that I wanted to be a soldier when I grew up. He even called me 'Soldier'. It was like a little joke between us. At first he didn't see us but mum called to him and asked him if he wanted any of her carrot cake. He loved my mum's cooking and, as he lived alone, my mum liked to bake for him.
"Ollie, take some cake over to Mr Thomas," mum commanded.
"Hannah's closer," I replied and then regretted it because the look she shot me got me out of the chair as quick as anything.
"Can I get changed first?" I asked.
"Don't be silly, he's only over there," mum replied. I then had to walk across the garden in full view of Mr Thomas wearing the leotard. I was conscious of how long my legs looked and the fact that I had very little covering me.
"Hello soldier. Are you playing dressing up?" Mr Thomas asked not quite disguising the disapproval in his voice.
"We're doing ballet," Hannah replied breezily. I hadn't seen her arrive behind me.
"Ballet eh! I didn't know you went to ballet, soldier."
"I don't," I started to explain but Hannah interrupted,
"He's really good. My mum says he's as graceful as a girl."
I stared at her. I didn't know Alison had said that.
"We're becoming the terrible twins, or that is what my mum says," Hannah continued. I then went red. I hated the fact that she was announcing all this to the man who told me great stories about his life in the army.
"We had better go," I said trying to get away from the fence. It was horrible that Mr Thomas had seen me dressed like this and I wanted to get away as quickly as possible. This was all too embarrassing. I actually thought for a moment that it might be better to ask if I could go to a ballet class as then at least I would get to wear what boys wear. I didn't dwell on this though.
"Goodbye young miss and goodbye Oliver. Thank your mother for the cake for me." Hannah skipped away. I walked back across the lawn trying hard to think it wasn't significant that Mr Thomas had called me Oliver rather than soldier.
I wore the leotard all day. I tried to get changed back several times during the afternoon but each time Hannah insisted we kept them on in case we did some more ballet. I didn't want to but neither did I want to upset Hannah or her mother. I knew my mum was watching me…and listening to what I said. I didn't give her any reason to be cross with me again. At one stage I was so fed up with trying to pull the leotard down and stop it riding up over my bottom that I said, "I wish I had tights on."
"We should get you some," Hannah said.
"I can't see my mum buying me tights," I said. Which was true, I couldn't.
The biggest shock came at the end of the day, though, when Alison and Hannah were leaving. Mum called me down to say goodbye.
"I'll give you back the leotard," I said wanting to give it back.
"Don't be silly dear," said Alison, "That's yours to keep. Your mummy paid for it. See you next weekend" and she kissed me on the cheek as they left.
I was stunned. I had my own leotard. What was I going to do with it? Would I have to wear it again? I decided I had to ask my mum even though I knew it might cause a row.
"Why have I got a leotard?"
"What a stupid question. If you want to do ballet you need to wear a leotard."
"But don't boys wear tights and t shirts instead?"
"Yes, I think the boys do" she said as she went off to do the washing up.
Why did she say 'the boys' like that? And what did I need a leotard for?
The answer to that second question came on Monday at school. Josh, like a good friend, didn't tell anyone about my ballet dancing but he was a little cool when I approached him on the way to school.
"Hi," he said without stopping.
"Hi."
"Did you have fun with your girlfriend?"
"She's not my girlfriend Josh. Her mum is a friend of my mum that's all."
"And you've started ballet?" he asked.
"No. I was just joining in for fun, sort of making fun of it." This satisfied him and he didn't mention it again. He didn't have to.
When it was time for PE I collected my bag to get my kit out. It wasn't there. What was there instead was my leotard. I swallowed hard.
Perhaps the best thing would be to pretend I had forgotten my kit. That seemed best. I turned just as Mrs Vincent our teacher was declaring loudly, "And if anyone had forgotten their PE kit it is a letter home because I'm fed up with excuses."
There was no point going ahead with that plan. My mum would explode if she found out, especially as she had swapped my usual kit for the leotard. I decided to tell Miss the truth. So I did.
"What you are telling me then Oliver is that you have a leotard to wear for PE today?" she said when I had explained.
"Yes, Miss."
"Fine. We're doing gymnastics. It will be perfect," she replied.
"But Miss, everyone will laugh at me," I offered weakly.
She sighed deeply. I took this as a sign of sympathy so was surprised when she stopped the whole class so that she had their attention.
"Listen everyone. Oliver has a leotard to wear today and he thinks you will all laugh at him. Does anyone here find that funny?" She looked around the room at the class, which included my friends, all shaking their heads to suggest that no one would find that funny. Not that they would dare with Miss looking on. I was shocked that she had been so blunt.
"There we are Oliver! No one is going to laugh. You can get changed now."
That wasn't what I had in mind but I was getting used to being outwitted.
"By the way, Oliver. Does this leotard belong to you or have you borrowed it?"
There was a silence while she waited and the usual noise of children getting changed had died down too so that they could all hear the answer.
"Its mine, miss," I said quietly.
"Have you taken up ballet?" she demanded in a voice that was unnecessarily loud.
"Sort of miss," I whispered, looking across at Josh.
"Good," she said briskly before moving on. Josh glared back at me.
The PE lesson was a nightmare. Five of us had leotards and, of course, I was the only boy. I used to like PE but that day was terrible. I spent most of the lesson trying to pull down the back of the leotard to cover my behind. It felt as if I had nothing to cover my modesty and to make it worse I was aware of the bulge down my front which although not large was quite obvious especially when I stood next to a girl wearing exactly the same as me. Lots of the other kids noticed too. To be fair all the girls were sweet. One, Molly, told me she was going to get a leotard too because I looked so good in mine. Another, Faye, told me I was really brave and if I wanted she would give me the name of her ballet teacher so we could go to classes together. The boys didn't say a word. They didn't laugh- they wouldn't dare while miss was in the room but when we had to go back to class I couldn't get into the line. All the boys formed a close line up which kept me out and I found myself at the back with the girls. Josh, who usually let me slip into the line next to him, didn't even look at me.
Back at class we got changed in silence. I was so pleased my ordeal was over. It was playtime next and Mrs Vincent was on duty so she told those of us still in the room to hurry up, she was off to the playground. That was when the boys started. It was quiet at first but I heard it alright. "Girl, girl" they chanted and as the others joined in it got louder. I went red. I knew it was me they were getting at. "Girl, girl, girl," the chant went on. I felt like crying but I knew that if I did things would get worse so I kept my head down trying to ignore them. So I didn't see Jordan, a kid who thinks he's tough and hard, grab the leotard from my bag.
"Ah look," he mocked. "His mummy has sewn his name inside. She had as well. Unfortunately, the label didn't cover the 'Princess Wear' logo which Jordan found highly amusing. He threw it across the room where another boy caught it and chucked it back. This became a game where the boys threw it to each other with me chasing them around, which was exactly what they wanted. Tears were now falling. I couldn't help it and, even though it made me look more like a girl, I cried. Eventually someone threw the leotard to Josh. He hesitated, holding on to it with me looking at him through my tears. He held it for long enough for me to know that he wasn't going to join in. Instead he handed it back to me.
"Thanks, Josh," I said but he was already on his way out of the classroom and he didn't wait for me. The other boys lost interest and left too but I knew that they wouldn't let this matter drop.
Walking home that day, without Josh- he had rushed out of school, a girl in my class caught up with me. "I think its great that you do ballet," she said. I was going to say that I didn't but I couldn't think of a better explanation for having a leotard. I felt trapped. It felt better to let people think that I did ballet to hide the truth- that my mum had just bought one for me- for a reason I still hadn't worked out. I was still finding the truth a bit puzzling. I couldn't work out what was going on. All I knew was that I had gone from being someone who got on with all the boys to being an outcast in the space of one lesson.
To add to my confusion I knew that when my mum asked me how my day was I wouldn't tell her about how awful it had been at PE. I couldn't put my finger on it but I knew that something was going on and that, although Alison was behind it, my mum was heavily involved. I did ask her why I didn't have my PE kit, though.
"You did. I packed it myself," mum answered.
"You packed the leotard," I reminded her.
"Yes. The school uniform list says leotards can be worn for PE," she replied.
"But girls wear leotards, mum."
"As a matter of fact you wear a leotard, Ollie," she said. "I saw you this weekend, or have you forgotten?"
"That was just a bit of fun," I said. "I was just pretending to be a dancer."
"Oh, so you were lying to Hannah were you? She thought you were enjoying yourself."
"I was but, " I could see myself getting tied up in an argument I couldn't win. "Couldn't I just have my shorts and T shirt for the next PE lesson," I asked trying hard to keep the desperation out of my voice.
"No you can't. That leotard has replaced your old kit which needed throwing out anyway. I'm not made of money, you know. If you told the truth about disliking ballet you wouldn't be in this mess," she announced.
"But you were cross with me for upsetting Hannah," I said defensively.
"I'm cross with you for lying to her as well," she said. "I don't know what has come over you recently." It was quite clear that this was the end of the matter as far as she was concerned and I was stuck with a leotard.
The leotard was back in my bag later that week. I had tried pretending to be sick when I realised there was another PE lesson that day but it hadn't worked. I didn't really expect it too but the thought of another humiliation was too much. It was pretty much a re-run of the earlier lesson. The worse thing was no matter how I moved I felt that I looked like a girl. I couldn't move like the boys and they instinctively moved away from me every time I went near them. To add to this, I spent most of the time trying to stretch the leotard downwards to cover more of me. Nobody actually laughed or said anything horrible while Miss was in the room but as soon as we were getting changed the boys started chanting again, "Girl, girl." Josh didn't join in but he hadn't really spent any time with me for days and he rushed out of school every day so that he didn't have to walk home with me. At the same time, girls who had never spoken to me before starting treating me as a friend and talking to me, particularly on the way home.
I tried to solve the problem of the leotard by telling my mum a lie. I hadn't told her a lie before and as I did it I could feel my face burning. I thought she would surely realise I wasn't telling the truth.
"We're doing PE outside next week so I need to take my outdoor kit." I told her. I had a perfectly good kit so there should be no problem there.
"What do the girls wear?" she asked. I wasn't sure why she wanted to know but I didn't feel easy about it.
"The same as the boys, tops and shorts, " I said. "Or track suits."
"Right," she replied with a far away look in her eye. I didn't like it.
"Some even wear football tops like mine," I said, quickly. It was true. Molly did.
"Some do, do they?" she said. "So some don't." And that was that, or as far as I was concerned it was.
Hannah and Alison were back on Friday night to stay the weekend.
"Hannah has a surprise for you,' Alison announced shortly after tea. Hannah's face brightened and she rushed to get something from her bag. Alison and my mum had big smiles on their faces. They obviously knew what it was and I knew that I would be expected to play my part. I also somehow knew I wasn't going to like it but I wasn't expecting what Hannah was now holding out for me.
"Tights?" I said weakly.
"Yes, they're yours now. We're the same size so they're bound to fit," Hannah bubbled.
My mum and Alison grinned and shared a look. I was speechless. I still hadn't taken the tights off Hannah but I knew I was the centre of attention, again.
"Hannah told me you wanted some," Alison continued.
"I didn't," I protested. I knew I had said it too loudly and I could see my mum's face clouding over but surely she would realise this wasn't true. "I never said that," I continued.
Hannah looked upset. "Sorry, Ollie, when we were dancing I thought you said you wished you were wearing tights."
"Did you say that, Ollie?" my mum asked.
"No!" I protested.
"Hannah, how could you lie like that?" Alison said to her daughter. Hannah looked confused and looked at me.
Yes, well…" I began. "I did say it… but I didn't mean it like that."
"Sorry Ollie," Hannah said again.
"So how did you mean it?" Alison asked, her smile in place but her voice already changing.
"Well, I didn't like wearing…" I hesitated. I could see whatever I said my mum wouldn't like it. "I thought tights might cover more of my legs," I said finally.
"and you said you couldn't see your mum buying you any, isn't that right?" Hannah continued.
"Did you say that, Ollie?" mum asked.
I had said that- exactly that.
"Yes."
"So I thought you wanted some but were too shy to ask your mum to buy you some," Hannah continued.
"And she brought you a pair of hers to have," Alison added.
"Hannah, that is so lovely of you," my mum gushed.
"I'm so glad you didn't lie to me," Alison said.
"What a shame Ollie can't tell the truth," my mum joined in.
"They're not old or ruined or anything and they will go so well with your T-shirt," Hannah continued trying to make me feel better. I was wearing my blue and white hooped T-shirt. 'Like a French sailor,' Mr Thomas once told me. I said nothing in reply and I still hadn't taken the tights off her.
My mum took over at this point.
"Thank you Hannah, you are very sweet." She took the tights from her and gave me a hard look.
"We need to have a little talk, IN YOUR ROOM."
When we got there she left me in no doubt that I was in big trouble.
"How could you?" she hissed not wanting to shout because the others would hear. "How could you lie? Hannah has been so kind and you have thrown it back in her face."
"But I don't want to wear tights, mum," I said. "I'm a boy."
"Then why did you tell her you did?" she demanded.
"I don't know. I was bothered about the leotard and…" I didn't get the chance to explain properly.
"Take your trousers off," mum directed and I obeyed immediately. "AND your socks." She took the tights and gathered them up so that she had the feet ready to put on me. She pushed me and I fell backwards onto my bed. When she had the tights halfway up my legs she snapped, "Stand up" and, when I did, she worked the tights all the way up and snapped them into place. I didn't get the chance to argue anymore and I was in no doubt that complaining would be useless. I looked down and saw the legs of a girl in navy blue tights. I tried to tell myself that many boys wear tights for ballet but I was wearing girl's tights. It was obvious from the label. I wondered if I would have my name sewn into these as well. Mum pulled my T shirt back into place.
"Now you get downstairs and make sure you show Alison and Hannah how grateful you are," mum commanded.
I stepped back into my slippers and followed her down the stairs feeling stupid in the tights but grateful that at least no one else could see me. Alison was making coffee in the kitchen and Hannah was helping her when I edged in to the room. They both smiled. "You look great," said Alison. "Doesn't he, Hannah?" My mum turned to face me expecting me to respond.
"They are really comfortable. Thank you, Hannah," I said. It wasn't enough for mum who continued to glare at me. "I've always wanted a pair of tights of my own," I continued. "It was kind of you to think of me." This seemed to satisfy her. Her face relaxed.
"Coffee, cake and telly," said Alison breezily. "We can all celebrate. Ollie has always wanted a pair of tights and now he has got some and, if you don't mind me saying so, you look absolutely wonderful. What do you think Judy?"
Mum looked at me, and her smile returned. "You look gorgeous, Ollie," she said.
We all sat on the sofa together but I sat with my legs tucked under me. That way I didn't have to look at my own legs. I could feel the tights all over my legs constricting them. It was a strange feeling but at least I could keep this private, I thought. I was glad that Hannah didn't go to my school. I didn't know what I would do if everyone found out about this.
So I was shocked when mum said, "Oh, I nearly forgot the pie for Mr Thomas. Ollie take it round to him please."
"I'll go and get dressed," I said.
"Don't be silly, you are dressed," Alison said.
"And you can pop round in your slippers," mum continued.
I didn't feel able to argue and I knew I had been outsmarted again. I collected the pie and stepped out the front door wearing only tights, T-shirt and slippers. All I needed now was someone from school to see me and I was finished. I stood at the front door wondering whether I could just throw the pie away and pretend I had done the errand. I knew it wouldn't work but I hated the thought that Mr Thomas would see me dressed in tights. Luckily for me I couldn't see a single person in the street and I shuffled as quickly as I could into Mr Thomas's front garden. I rang his bell and hopped from foot to foot willing him to hurry to the door. Being old it seemed to take him ages. I kept looking up and down the road but, apart from a car which went past, nobody else was around. Eventually, Mr Thomas opened the door.
"Hello, Mr Thomas. I've brought a pie mum made," I said.
He didn't invite me in like he usually did. Instead he looked me up and down.
"That's very kind of you mother, Oliver. Please thank her for me," he said in a formal voice. One I wasn't used to hearing.
I wondered if I should tell him that I didn't want to wear the tights but I didn't know how to bring the subject up so I didn't and he didn't ask. In fact, he didn't mention the tights at all but his look made it clear he disapproved. I left and scuttled home as quickly as possible.
When I got back the three of them were watching television and mum and Alison opened their arms to welcome me onto the sofa. This was the bit I really liked and I snuggled up between them feeling safe and looking forward to doing nothing other than watching television. Doing this was the best thing because we all got on and it was like having a new family. We hadn't been like this since my dad left and although my mum and me had always got on well it wasn't the same as having other people there as well. People who made you feel like family.
"We're going shopping tomorrow," Alison said. "If you like we'll get you a couple more pairs of tights. Would you like that Ollie?"
Inwardly, I groaned but I replied, "That would be brilliant."
I could tell from the way my mum sighed that I had said the right thing. I was relieved for the time being. It felt good to have pleased her. I didn't seem to do that as much as I used to.
Ollie's mum has a new friend called Alison. Together with her daughter, Hannah, they are spending a lot of time with Ollie and his mum. Ollie finds himself playing with Hannah's games; something which led to him wearing his first leotard and his very own pairs of tights.
"Sorry, Ollie, I've only got girls' magazines," she said.
"That's okay," I replied. "I'll read one of yours." So I did. Mum and Alison exchanged looks in the front and Hannah and I settled back to read and I felt great inside because it felt as if everyone was getting on okay and it wasn't me spoiling it.
The day got better because Alison and mum decided that we didn't have to hang around with them. They thought it would be better to shop without us. "Hannah needs new underwear and a few tops and we don't need you for those," Alison said. "We'll meet you later." They even gave us money for lunch! The only slight problem was that mum asked me in the street what colour tights I wanted. She spoke far too loudly for my liking. I hesitated. I thought I could forget about them. I looked around to see if anyone had heard but mum asked again in an even louder voice I replied really quickly, "Can I have a black pair, please?"
"Of course you can love," mum replied. "I'll get you a couple of pairs. Any other colours?"
"No you choose," I said quickly.
Mum mentioning tights again had shaken me up. I had hoped they were forgotten about but I didn't want to spoil the day and we were having such fun so I put it to the back of my mind. Wanting to spend some more time with Hannah, we raced off.
Spending time with a girl was different. We went in shops I had never been into before, clothes shops and shops where they sold 'accessories' as Hannah called them. She knew such a lot as well about colour and style. There was a lot of that sort of thing in her magazines so I could see why she knew all about it. We looked at a lot of earrings and she held some up against her ears.
"I really want to have my ears pierced," she said. "Mum says I have to be ten before I can have them done. What about you, Ollie?"
"Oh, I don't know." Some older boys at school had an earring but nobody in my class did and I had never really thought about it. I knew that Mr Thomas wouldn't approve. I had heard him dismiss boys who had earrings as girls. We also went to look at CDs and I got a commentary on who was 'in' and who wasn't. I didn't really know much about it but Hannah knew loads. She also told me who was 'hot' and which posters she had on her bedroom wall. All in all I learned a lot from being with her. She bought a CD of the latest boy band. They were 'in' and 'hot' and I got carried away by her enthusiasm and bought a poster of them. We debated whether the poster of them all in black was better than the one of them shirtless and in the end I chose the shirtless one. Hannah approved of my choice. That felt good.
Later, when we met up with our mums Hannah asked if we could have our ears pierced.
"When you are ten. I've told you before," Alison said but my mum replied, "When your hair is a bit longer, Ollie." Hannah was disappointed with her response but I wasn't. I didn't want an earring but mum had never talked about me having longer hair before. She had always made me keep it quite short, like most of the boys in my class. I tried to comfort Hannah, though. "It's not long to wait. I'll be ten in November and you'll be ten soon after."
"I suppose you're right," she said. "But that means you can have your ears pierced before me."
"I promise you that I won't get it done before you," I said. I had really come to like Hannah and I found myself wanting to please her.
"Great, we can get it done on the same day," she said cheering up.
"Okay," I said. At the time keeping her happy was more important and it was only later that I realised what I had agreed to.
Back home that afternoon, Alison got all her purchases out for us to inspect. She had new underwear and a few new T-shirts and tops. The underwear was all in pastel shades, quite unlike the pants I wore. The best thing we all agreed, though, was a new top for Hannah, orange with a large silver star across the middle filled with other stars of decreasing size in alternate orange and silver. The effect was dramatic. I wanted to remain in mum's good books so went over the top in praising it in front of Hannah. She loved it and wanted to put it on right away but was told to wait. My mum then produced my tights. Two pairs: black and lime green. The black didn't look so bad, but lime green? I was going to ask why mum chose that colour but Alison said, "wait for your surprise," and another orange top with a silver star was produced. "It's for you," mum said.
"And to complete the picture…" Alison said as she produced a pair of lime green tights for Hannah. "You really will be the terrible twins, now!" she declared. I didn't know what to say at first. I was taken aback because I knew that the top was a girl's one, not to mention the tights, but Hannah was immediately enthusiastic and said we should try them on, giggling excitedly. I was going to protest. I had agreed, sort of, to the tights but no one said anything about girls' tops. My mum glared at me to warn me against saying anything to disrupt the day so when Hannah insisted we tried them on right away I went along with it. We ran upstairs to my room and got changed. Hannah was an expert at putting on her tights. I took longer but managed on my own. "Shouldn't we be wearing shorts or something?" I asked as I looked down at my legs trapped by the tights.
"No," Hannah said. "Tights and T shirts are just great for indoors," and she raced downstairs to show off her new outfit. I followed more reluctantly but also aware that my mum was watching me and warning me against making a fuss. It was hard to see that I was wearing anything other than girls' clothes. To make matters worse Alison announced that we both looked really pretty in our new outfits. I had never been called pretty before and I didn't like it. I could feel a sulk coming on but mum was watching me closely and Hannah decided that we should dance along to the her new CD and as usual I joined in, partly because I didn't want to be in trouble and partly because Hannah's sense of fun made you want to join in with her. We spent the whole evening singing along to CDs choosing songs we liked and working out dance routines to go along with them. It was such a good evening. After a while I forgot how I was dressed. It didn't seem important and none of the others thought there was anything wrong with the clothes I was wearing. Nothing could spoil the evening. Not even Alison's remark that we looked like twins upset me.
The next day mum told me to put on the black tights with an old red sweatshirt of mine. Hannah wore another of her new tops and a denim skirt. I was going to ask mum, quietly, if I could wear my jeans over the tights but when I saw how Hannah was dressed I decided I was getting off lightly. The last thing I wanted was to be put in a skirt and I worried for most of the morning that this was yet another surprise they had waiting for me.
We put up my new boy band poster replacing an old Star Wars one which we threw in the dustbin and later we read some more of her magazines. We went through the fashion pages and Hannah suggested outfits we could both wear when we pretended to be pop singers. I didn't like some of the things she chose but there were a couple of outfits I thought I might wear, as long as it was all kept private at home. Hannah offered to leave a few old copies behind when she left so that I could read them in the week.
Sunday evening came too soon and I realised that I would miss out on the next weekend as it was my weekend with my dad.
"That's a shame, Ollie, as we were going to invite you around to our house for a change," Alison said.
That made me even more disappointed as it would have been great but my mum came to the rescue by saying she would sort things out with dad.
"That's settled then," said Alison.
"Oh, its going to be such fun, I can hardly wait," Hannah said jumping up and down and, because I was so excited too, I joined in and we were giggling and holding hands and jumping up and down and it was only when Alison said they really had to go that we stopped.
Later that night, when I had had a bath I was snuggled up close to my mum in my pyjamas. I felt strange. I had enjoyed the weekend. It had been such fun and Hannah was great to be with but when I thought back over some of the things we had done I was embarrassed. I behaved differently when Alison and Hannah were about. Not like the boy I used to be. After they had gone and I had some time to think, I started to feel differently. I could hardly believe that I had spent much of the weekend wearing tights. It was as if I forgot about how a boy should behave when they were here and my mum didn't seem to want to remind me. When they left I remembered to be boy-like again. I was thinking about this and, with the leotard incident of last week in mind, a thought occurred to me.
"Mum, I don't have to wear tights to school, do I?" My mum looked at me.
"Oh Ollie, we didn't get you any in school uniform colours," she said. I was relieved. "I'll get you some in the week," she continued.
"No, its okay," I said.
"It's no trouble," she said and I let the matter drop in case I put any other ideas in her head. Lying in bed that night I could see more trouble ahead as I stared at the poster of the shirtless boy band and wondered why I had bought it. What had I been thinking of?
It was a thought that returned in the morning when mum put clothes out for me. My uniform was there as usual but the underwear was different. In fact, it looked exactly like the underwear I saw Alison had bought for Hannah. The pants (knickers?) were pastel yellow with a vest to match. In the centre of both was a design of buttercups and daisies. And instead of my grey school socks there was a pair of white ankle socks also with a delicate flower design on them, obviously for girls!
"Mum," I called down the stairs, "I've got Hannah's underwear by mistake."
"Don't be silly. It's for you. Go and get dressed," she shouted back.
"But I'll be laughed at," I shouted down.
"Why? Do you intend taking your trousers off in front of everybody today?" she called back. "Now hurry up, your breakfast is waiting."
I felt trapped again. The underwear was obviously for girls and, it seemed, had been bought especially for me. The thought that Alison and my mum seemed determined to turn me into a girl went through my mind but I dismissed it because… well, that would be ridiculous. School was becoming hazardous with the sorts of things mum was buying for me, though. Someone was bound to see my socks and laugh. I then had an idea! Mum, or mummy as I would call her to get my own way, was right. I would not be taking down my trousers at school. There was no PE! I put on the knickers and vest and raced to the kitchen shouting,
"Mummy, can I wear my black tights today?" I stopped dead. "Oh, hello Mr Thomas," I said. "I didn't know you were here."
"I've just brought the pie dish back for your mum…your mummy," he replied. He looked at me in my underwear taking in the feminine nature of it. "I won't stop," he said and went. Once again, I was left feeling he disapproved of me.
Mum smiled at me. "You look lovely, dear," she said. "Now go upstairs and finish dressing. And don't forget to wear those lovely new socks."
I managed to get through school without any problem. I don't think anyone saw my socks. I did my best to keep them hidden but I did notice that Chloe had a pair exactly the same. I spent most of my playtimes with the girls. They invited me to play when they saw I was on my own a lot and after a while this seemed the best thing to do. They were good fun, the girls in my class. Not as much fun as Hannah but fun nevertheless and the boys pretty much ignored me now, even Josh.
Later in the week when we had PE we had to choose groups to work on a dance together and Chloe and her friends chose me. I was so grateful because none of the boys wanted me and I was scared I would be left on my own at the end. As it happened my group were all in leotards and looked brilliant because we were all wearing the same thing. The other groups were jealous. Mrs Vincent said we were the best and nobody seemed to notice much when she said 'Well done girls" at the end. I noticed, though. The truth is I worked better with the girls. If I had worked with Josh I wouldn't have worked so hard. He was in a group with Jordan and they got told off a few times for messing around. Being a PE day mum had left out boys' underwear for me to wear which I thought was silly really when you thought I changed into a leotard but I didn't argue. I was grateful. I didn't really want to have to face another lot of name-calling. The boys seemed to be used to the idea of me wearing a leotard now. They didn't keep teasing me about it but then they ignored me pretty much all the time, in the same way they treated the girls, in fact. I had a whole week's worth of new girl socks to wear, though, and I thought I had been very careful about keeping them hidden under my long trousers. The next PE day, though, I saw Josh looking at me as I put them back on. This pair was white with butterflies on the sides. "Nice socks," he said and I waited for the jokes to follow but he didn't say anything more. He didn't even sound sarcastic.
"Thanks," I said.
Friday after school I had a hair appointment. I was quite pleased when mum reminded me. I was still worrying about her comment about letting my hair get longer before I could have an earring. If I was having my hair cut she couldn't be planning on my having long hair. Sitting in the chair at the hairdressers, though, I noticed that my socks were on show to anyone who looked down. I couldn't hide them. They were a white lacy pair. The most feminine of all my new ones; the very reason I left them until the last day of the week. Mel, my hairdresser, usually asked me what I wanted even though she always knew anyway because mum always told her. Today, she didn't even ask. I sat in the chair feeling really pleased that I was there. I had convinced myself that I wouldn't be coming back here for a long time.
"Now, Ollie, mummy has told me what to do," Mel started. Mummy? All the people around me were talking to me in a way they never used to, as if I had changed in some way.
"I think she wants me to have the usual style," I said.
"She told me you would say that," Mel laughed, " but I know what you need. Just sit back." I did as I was told and Mel set to work, a job which didn't take long because it soon became clear that long hair was on the cards, after all. Mel chatted away, "What people don't always realise is that you can't just let hair grow long or it gets out of control. You have to train it into the right style. That's why I'm taking just the tiniest bit off at the sides and back so that when it grows it will start to take the right shape. Your mummy knows about these things. I love your socks by the way."
By the time mum came to get me my hair was more or less the same length as before, although it looked tidier and I now had a fringe. Usually my hair was cut so that you could see my forehead. This was the bit which seemed to grow the fastest. Mel was talking to mum, "The face now has a more oval effect, I think you'll agree. If you find the fringe is growing too quickly just pop back and I'll tidy it up. Don't worry about making an appointment."
"Oh Mel thank you. You are an angel," mum said.
"Judy, it is no problem at all. I think you are being wonderfully supportive. Not every mother would if they found themselves in your situation. I really admire you.”
I didn't know what they were talking about. Coming on top of the other changes of the last two weeks I was a bit nervous. I kept looking at my reflection in the mirror. Mel was right. The style did give me a rounder face. In fact, with the fringe I looked more like a girl. What will they say at school?
Mum reminded me, not that I needed it, that we were staying with Alison and Hannah for the weekend. I was quite sad that I wasn't seeing dad but the thought of seeing Hannah again was quite exciting. 'I can't wait to show her my new hairstyle,' I thought.
"Ollie, That hairstyle really suits you," Alison said as soon as she opened the door. It felt really good to get praise from her. Hannah was equally as enthusiastic which just made me beam. Any doubts I had about it disappeared. "You'll look so good when it grows longer," Alison continued.
"Oh Ollie, I love your hair," Hannah added. "It's the same style as mine."
I realised she was right. "But your hair is much longer," I said.
"Don't worry, yours will soon grow," mum said. I didn't reply but followed Hannah up to her room. I went slowly trying to work out what was worrying me so much. I really like spending time with Hannah but I always had the feeling that I was about to be tricked into doing something else I didn't want to, not by Hannah, but by Alison or my mum. Leotard, tights, a girl's top, girls' underwear, a new hairstyle- the list was growing and I was growing more uneasy. At the same time I wanted to do things to impress Hannah and our original agreement to only do things boys and girls would both do seemed to have been forgotten. Most of the things we did together seemed to me to be more girl stuff than boys' stuff. At least no one at school could see me.
Hannah's room was completely different to mine. Her posters were of pop stars mostly but there was one of a star of the Moscow ballet. "He's gorgeous," Hannah told me. All the girls at my school have him on their bedroom walls." I tried to think of something to say that would be complimentary so I said, "He looks good in his tights and he looks so strong!" Hannah immediately said, "You can have this one. It'll be easy for me to get another," she said.
I didn't want to take it but I knew if I didn't somehow that would become an incident so I thanked her and rolled it up and put it near my bag.
The next change in my life was waiting at the end of the bed. There were two nightdresses and two pairs of slippers. They were identical. The slippers were soft white towelling with thin lines of blue sewn into them as if a skater had danced across the material. They were the type you slid your feet into. The nightdresses were pastel blue with 'Swan Lake' written across the chest and a picture of two dancers from the ballet. Not for boys!
"These are new," Hannah said. "Mummy wouldn't let me wear mine until you came and I can't wait," she said. "As soon as we have had a bath we can get changed." I was not impressed but knew that by the end of the evening I would be dressed in a nightdress and those slippers.
I suppose I should have just given up without a fight but my boy dignity wanted to protest, not to Hannah, who seemed to think I was the greatest friend in the world, but to my mum. I went downstairs and found her in the kitchen. I wanted to catch her on her own but Alison was there. I was breathing heavily and about to say exactly what was on my mind when, as luck would have it, Alison announced that it was bath time. Now I would get to talk to mum on her own. Except, Alison took me by the hand and led me from the room. Her grip was quite firm. I had no doubt that she meant business.
"Didn't you hear me, sweetie?" she asked. "I said, 'It is bath time."
"Not for me, surely," I protested and turned round for help from mum. She wasn't following. "For both of you, silly," Alison continued. "Hannah will have run a nice bath for both of you." I was horrified. Surely she wasn't expecting me to share a bath with a girl! Hannah was already in a bubble, scented bath when Alison practically dragged me into the room. She gave no sign that my resistance was giving her any problem and her grip didn't weaken. I called desperately for mum but there was no answer. Alison didn't weaken at all. She had my jumper and shirt off over my head in seconds and grabbed my hand again so quickly I didn't have time to escape. She stripped me of my trousers and underpants in one action and only then let go of my hand. By this stage I was so stunned that I didn't move.
"Take your socks off before you get in, " she said.
I was so humiliated I moved really slowly but took off my socks just as I had been told. I then got into the bath because it seemed best to hide my nakedness under the bubbles. Hannah smiled at me but I was so shocked I just burst into tears. How could she do that to me? And where was my mum?
Hannah tried to comfort me but I was so upset. I was being treated as if I was someone I wasn't and I seemed powerless to stop the changes. Hannah picked up some bubbles in her hand and blew them at me. I didn't react so she did it again. I smiled despite myself and after a couple more times I decided to do the same back. This turned into us splashing the water at each other, something my mum would never allow, and soon we were having a great time. We didn't even notice that mum and Alison were watching from behind the door. When we noticed, they laughed and came in each with a huge towel. We were lifted out of the bath and wrapped up. My mum hadn't done this for years. I always bathed myself. In a way it was quite nice. My mum obviously loved drying me all over. I hated being naked in front of Hannah. She didn't seem to mind at all. She wasn't at all shy about her own nakedness. I was too shy to look anywhere and I concentrated on trying to keep myself covered up. I couldn't, though, when Mum was lifting my arms and pulling me about to dry me. She finished by telling me to put my arms in the air and she dropped the nightdress over me- the very nightdress that I had gone downstairs to complain about. It reached my knees but was a perfect fit. Alison was very good at getting clothes that were just the right size. No way was I going to be able to use an excuse like 'It's too small." I wasn't sure what was worse, being naked in front of Hannah or wearing a girl's nightdress.
"Step forward," mum said and I stepped into the white towelling feminine slippers. "There, all done. Don't you look sweet?" I was dazed. When I looked down I realised I looked just like a little girl. There was nothing left of my 'boyness' for anyone to see. This seemed to be just what mum and Alison were hoping for.
That night I slept on the mattress put down for me next to Hannah's bed. I tried to think of a way of making my mum understand that I really didn't like all the girl things that were happening to me. It was so humiliating to share a bath with a girl, and at my age. Even though Hannah had made it fun I couldn't get rid of the feeling that mum and Alison had done it on purpose. This was my problem: I couldn't see a way of staying friendly with Hannah, something I really wanted to do, and at the same time avoid the girl things that were happening to me.
Every time I turned over the perfumed smell reminded me of the bath. Instead of looking forward to the next day, I dreaded it.
I woke up before anyone else and resolved to be forceful. I dressed quickly in my jeans and jumper and knew that I would probably have a fight on my hands. Instead, when I got downstairs the others were all at breakfast and they smiled at me when I entered. "This is a slippers house," Alison said but in such a reasonable way that I went upstairs again and put the white slippers back on. It didn't matter, I decided, as long as I could keep my jeans on. Nevertheless, wherever I went I could hear the slapping of the slippers, the same noise all the others were making. Nobody mentioned the jeans and I started to feel a little better, as if I had won a victory of sorts.
The plan for the day was to go shopping and then swim in the large swimming pool that Hannah and her mum had put up in the garden. Fantastic, if the weather stayed good. Shopping was good because we were allowed to go off on our own again and Hannah headed towards the accessory shop. We looked at the earrings again. Hannah was impatient to get her ears pierced. I was regretting my promise to join in. Then we bought necklaces to wear. Hannah sort of presumed that I wanted one too and when she asked the assistant to help I insisted on a thicker chain than Hannah. I was quite happy to wear it. After all, lots of men did. It bothered me a bit that there were no other boys in the shop but my necklace didn't look too girly.
Back home we both nagged our mums to hurry up with their food because we wanted to get swimming. Hannah went to get changed and then, and only then, did it occur to me that we hadn't brought my swimming trunks along. "Shall I wear a pair of pants?" I asked.
"Here we are dear," Alison said taking control. "This will fit. We bought your size." She handed me a new swimming costume that any girl would have loved. It was light blue with turquoise swirls across it. I stared at it and stared at my mum. There was no way I was going to get dragged into this.
"I don't want to wear it," I said. I knew my mum would tell me off for 'being ungrateful, but what sort of boy was supposed to be grateful for wearing girls' clothes? I waited for the response.
"That's alright, Ollie," Alison continued. "You can swim in the nude. We won't mind, will we Judy?"
"And Hannah has seen it all before," mum reminded me.
"I've changed my mind. I don't want to go swimming," I said.
"Hannah will be sad," Alison said but put the costume away. Another victory! They went outside and called to Hannah across the garden. She was having a great time.
"Where's Ollie?" she asked. I didn't hear the answer because I headed upstairs to the bedroom and looked out over the garden. Sounds of Hannah having fun drifted up to me and I could hear my mum and Alison laughing. I longed to be out there swimming too. There was no way I was going to go naked again in front of Hannah.
After a while I weakened. I really did want to swim. It was agonising realising that I would have to give in to Alison. However, after a few more squeals of delight from Hannah I decided that, just this once, I would wear a girls' swimming costume. I went down to ask for it. I asked my mum rather than Alison.
" If you ask again and say 'mummy' I might go and get it," she replied when I asked her.
"Please can I borrow the swimming costume, mummy?" I asked. I sounded like a girl whenever I said, mummy, I realised. Alison already had it with her and produced it from behind her back. There was a look of triumph on her face.
"Thank you," I trilled.
At least her back garden was private. Nobody could see over the hedge and if they heard us they would have thought it was two girls playing as we screamed and squealed a lot. It was fun. Playing with Hannah was one of the best things and since Josh hadn't spoken properly to me for weeks she had become my best friend. She always made our games fun and after a while I usually forgot what I was wearing because I was concentrating on the game we were playing. She never made me feel silly, either. In a moment of weakness lying out on the grass side by side in our identical swimming costumes I said, "Hannah, you are my best friend, you know."
"I think we're the terrible twins," she replied. "Sisters almost."
"I suppose we are," I said. At that moment, lying on the grass, it didn't matter that much to me that she had said, 'sisters'.
There have been changes to Ollie's life since his mum's new friend and her daughter arrived on the scene. Ollie spends more and more time playing with his new best friend, Hannah, and the changes mean he spends more and more time with the girls at school.
The posters of the boy band and the ballet dancer in my bedroom were joined by a poster of Aaron Carter, a boy singer with long blonde hair, which Hannah gave to me along with one of his CDs. I also acquired a few fluffy toys from shopping trips with Hannah. I had thrown out my old baby ones a few years ago but being with Hannah made me wish I hadn't. My new duvet cover had horses cantering along a beach on it. Mum bought curtains to match and my old 'Action Man' ones came down. My 'Star Wars' stuff had gone and I hadn't played with my Play Station for months. In some ways I preferred my new room and Hannah was very encouraging. My mum said, "It's because you are growing up."
When we stayed with Alison and Hannah I wore my nightdress and white slippers. At home I wore my pyjamas and boy slippers. That became 'normal' for me. I only wore tights when we were playing ballet dancers but we did this quite a lot because it was a favourite game. I enjoyed it so much I actually thought it would be good to go to ballet lessons. The only thing that stopped me asking was this feeling that it would be another move towards being a girl. So, I satisfied myself with the dancing Hannah and I did at home. My tights collection grew to six or seven pairs in a range of colours.
One time mum asked me to take the rubbish to the dustbin and because I had been dancing I decided to nip up the garden in my tights. I put my wellie boots on and took the rubbish off her. Mr Thomas was in the garden and, because I knew he wouldn't like the way I was dressed, I decided to ignore him. I walked up the path in my red wellies, navy blue tights and red sweatshirt. I felt Mr Thomas's eyes in my back the whole way up the garden and all the way back. 'I don't care,' I told myself. 'He doesn't understand.'
My hair grew longer. Each time we went to the hairdressers, Mel cut my fringe and tidied up the back and sides but it reached shoulder length. "Blonde hair should be long," Mel said. "Otherwise it's a waste." I even agreed to her colouring it on one visit so that it was lighter, 'like a Scandanavian', Mel said. It felt, as the months went on, that mum and Alison had backed off. They certainly didn't insist I wore anything in particular anymore and I began to relax a bit more. I would have liked to get my hair cut. I had longer hair than any of the other boys and even longer than some girls. Apart from that things weren't so bad.
The time when I noticed things change again was when I needed new school trousers and mum bought me some black ones. I knew straight away that they were not for boys. They were tight at the top, had no zip for flies, and had a definite flare at the bottom. In fact, they were the same as the ones several girls at school wore. Not that any one mentioned it. If the boys noticed they didn't make fun of me and the girls continued to treat me as one of them. I hated the fact that, with my long hair and school trousers with the sweatshirt there was nothing to mark me out as a boy. The worse thing was that I didn't have any pockets at all. Where did girls put things? I soon spotted that they all carried pencil cases so I got one too. It was very handy.
Mrs Vincent took me aside at school one day and said quietly, "If you need to go at any time you can use the staff 'facilities.'" This last word was said more quietly than the rest of the sentence. I didn't understand her at first. 'Go where?' I thought but then it dawned on me. She wanted me to use the staff toilet. "Why?" I asked, genuinely perplexed.
"It's better all round, dear," she said. "Then no one will be upset."
I was upset. I was being told I could no longer go to the boys' toilet!
Mrs Vincent hadn't finished, "And it might be best if you changed in there for PE as well." I stared at her. "We don't want to scare the boys, do we?"
I had to face it. People around me were treating me like a girl. In my school uniform I certainly looked more like a girl than a boy. This was made obvious to me when, one day after school, we went to the supermarket to buy a few things. I was wandering around hanging on the trolley while my mum was looking intently at the shelves. Someone banged into my leg with a trolley and I turned to see a small boy trying to control one. "Mind the little girl," his mum said. She then apologised to me. My mum smiled at the boy and his mum and said, "no harm done." They passed on and I stared at my mum. I waited until we were in the car before I asked her about it. I didn't want to do it in the supermarket where anyone could hear me.
"That woman called me a girl," I said.
"I know dear. Wasn't that sweet!"
"But you didn't tell her I was a boy," I continued.
"Neither did you," she told me. That was true.
"Everyone thinks I'm a girl," I continued. "I need a haircut."
"Excuse me, you do not," she said emphasising each word. I glared at her. She smiled back at me. "You look very sweet, and everyone thinks you are adorable."
"They think I'm a girl." I folded my arms and huffed back in my seat. A month ago I wouldn't have dared speak harshly to my mum but I felt I was losing a battle with her and I no longer cared as much about hurting her feelings.
"Why do you make me wear girls' clothes?" I asked.
"You wear the clothes that suit you. Isn't that what everyone does?" she said.
"I didn't used to wear girls clothes until Alison came along" I replied. "Now I've got girls' underwear, girls' socks, girls' trousers, long hair…"
"You were the one that started behaving like a girl," she told me. I was shocked to hear this. She was changing the truth to suit herself. I stared at her. It was a few moments before I could speak.
"I have never behaved like a girl," I shouted, my voice going quite high. Two passers by looked our way when they heard this. I sank even lower in my seat.
"The boys at school don't play with me. Josh doesn't play with me anymore", I continued.
"Well doesn't that just prove what I'm saying?" mum answered. "Boys like to play with other boys. If they don't play with you it is because they see you as a girl."
"They see me as a girl because I wear girls' clothes," I said trying and not succeeding to keep the tears from falling.
"Oh Olivia," mum said. "I know this is hard for you, but you know it is about more than clothes." She paused. “You act like a girl." She waited. I didn't say anything so she continued, not sure how far she should go. "Your dance moves are so elegant." She paused again. I looked at her. "And you always looked so awkward dressed as a boy. You look more natural as a girl. It just fits you better, love." I didn't say anything after that. I stared out the front of the car. I didn't even brush away the tears that were falling. Mum brushed the hair out of my eyes and smoothed some strands behind my ear. Then, she started the car and drove away.
As soon as we got home, I stormed upstairs and flopped on my bed. It was there that I remembered she had called me Olivia. I hadn't been Oliver for ages, always Ollie to everyone. But my mum had called me Olivia! There was no hiding from the fact that I was being turned into a girl whether I liked it or not.
I missed tea. I stayed spread out on my bed refusing to join mum downstairs. I didn't weaken all evening. Mum left me alone for ages. She must have realised how upset I was and it was quite late when she finally came in. "Time to get ready for bed, Ollie," she said gently. I didn't reply. I wanted her to suffer. I actually began to think that I had got through to her. She hadn't repeated the mistake of calling me Olivia. I got off the bed in my own good time and went to put on my pyjamas. But they weren't in my drawer. Instead the nightdress was where my pyjamas should be. I checked under the bed and the white slippers had appeared where my blue ones used to be. "Mum!" I yelled. Mum came in and sat on the bed.
"I think the time has come to stop pretending," she said. "Don't you, Olivia?"
I started to cry immediately. "I'm Oliver," I said.
"Come on, you're upset. Get into bed and we'll talk about it tomorrow."
I didn't want to wear the nightdress. "I want my pyjamas," I said.
"Who does this nightdress belong to?"
I didn't answer.
"Have you worn it before?"
I knew the answers would trap me.
"So, stop being a silly girl, and get ready for bed."
I cried even more loudly at this but the fight had gone out of me and I didn't resist when she undressed me, put the nightdress on, and then brushed my hair. By the time she had finished I was calm again. Mum moved me over to the mirror.
"What do you see?" she asked. I looked, and a ten- year old girl looked back.
Next day at school I went around in a daze. I noticed in a way I hadn’t before how the boys behaved. Was it true? Was I an awkward boy? It was true that they had nothing to do with me anymore but I was hurt by that. That must prove that I wanted to play with them rather than the girls. Yet, the girls were friendly and complimented me on the things I wore. Mrs Vincent noticed I was upset and asked if I was okay. I tried to convince her that I was. I didn't want another conversation where I ended up in tears. I would have managed it except that she finished our talk by saying, "You know the school rules say that long hair should be tied back, don't you? Ask mummy to buy you a scrunchy or something so that you can have a pony tail." I went to the corner of the playground and cried. Immediately several girls were around me wanting to know what was wrong and what they could do to help. I didn't want to tell them. How could I tell anyone that I was a boy being turned into a girl? Who would believe that it wasn't my own choice? Chloe put her arm around me. "When I'm upset I tell my daddy. He always makes things better." Of course!
At home that evening I told mum I wanted to talk to dad and I rang him. "I was expecting you to call Oliv… Ollie," he said. "I'm coming to collect you next weekend." Why was he expecting my call?
"What has mum said to you?" I asked.
"Just that we need to talk. It's true. We haven't had a good talk in ages."
"I need help," I whispered. Dad was going to be my lifeline.
"That's what I'm here for, Oliv…Ollie." Twice he nearly called me Oliver and then didn't. The phone call rescue I had imagined wasn't turning out quite as I had planned it. Mum was relaxed when I came off the phone. "Did you two have a nice chat?" she asked. "You need to spend some time together."
"He's coming this weekend," I said, but she already knew that.
It was a surprise, then, that Hannah and Alison were waiting at home one day when I got home from school. They never came over during the week. Hannah was so excited she was nearly bursting.
"Guess what!" she said.
"What?"
"Its my birthday next week," she trilled. "And mummy said I can have my ears pierced! Isn't that great?"
I had completely forgotten about the promise I made to her. My birthday had come and gone and it hadn't been mentioned, probably because Hannah, as she now reminded me, was desperate that we had our ears pierced together. She jumped around in that infectious way she has when she is really excited and I laughed because she was so funny, even though I was starting to feel uneasy about what might happen next. Hannah jumped around and around.
"Oh Ollie, I just love coming around here, and I just love playing with you, and I just love your pony tail." I fingered my hair which had been tied back ever since Mrs Vincent mentioned it. Another change that everyone, except me, accepted as normal.
"Come along girls," Alison said as she picked up her bag. "We don't want to miss the appointment at the salon, do we?" I looked across at my mum to see if there was any chance of rescue. Not likely, and Alison had obviously decided it was okay to call me a girl, now, as well.
"I'm seeing my dad this weekend," I said as an announcement; one that was supposed to threaten Alison, although I wasn't sure why she was supposed to be scared.
Hannah raced for her mum's car and yelled for me to hurry up. I muttered, "I'm not getting it done," but only to myself and I really didn't believe it. Mel greeted us at the salon as her two favourite customers and asked who was going first.
"Hannah," I said too quickly. They looked at me. "It is her birthday," I continued.
"That's true," Hannah said and jumped into the chair. A minute later she was the owner of two pierced ears with studs in them. "You next," she said.
"I'm not having it done," I said. They looked at me. "I don't want a pierced ear."
"Okay," said Alison and Mel put the piercing gun away. I breathed a sigh of relief. That hadn't been so hard. Then Hannah started crying. I hadn't expected that.
"You promised," she said. I was shocked to see her cry. I had never seen Hannah cry before. "We were going to have it done on the same day." I waited for Alison to tell me off but she didn't.
"Ollie doesn't want it done, sweetie," was all she said. This surprised me. I expected her to pull me into the chair. Hannah cried some more, then announced that she wanted her brand new earrings out. Mel didn't think this was a good idea and Alison tried to comfort Hannah and I started to feel bad.
"Alright," I said. "I've changed my mind." I got in the chair as quickly as possible to try to repair the damage I had done. Immediately, Hannah calmed. Mel got out the gun and fired a stud into my right ear. She, too, didn't want more of a fuss. I looked in the mirror trying to work out whether that was the ear boys wore earrings in when she held my head, told me to keep still and shot a stud into the left ear as well. I stared at my reflection which looked more feminine than ever. Shoulder length hair and a stud in each ear. "What will my dad say?" I said to myself.
The next few days passed slowly as I waited for my dad to come and rescue me. At school I braced myself for the name calling that was sure to follow my ear piercing. It didn't happen. Chloe and a couple of other girls mentioned them but only to tell me I looked really good. The boys took no notice. Don't get me wrong, I didn't want anybody to make fun of me but the fact that no boy even mentioned my earrings made me wonder why not. I would have done if, say, Josh had got his ears pierced.
The number of times I was called a girl increased. In shops, when out, people might say 'mind the little girl' or 'and what would you like, young lady?'- things like that. I never once told them I was a boy. I could see a problem. If I started declaring that I was not a girl everyone would want to know why I was dressed as I was. Each time I was called a girl, I clenched my fists but said nothing.
At home things were different. I didn't want to be a girl. Let me make that clear but there were times when I enjoyed being treated differently by my mum. One of the things I loved was when my mum brushed my hair. It was quite long now and having it brushed was fantastic. There was a rule, though. I had to be ready for bed before she would do it. One evening I put on my nightdress and sat in front of the television while my mum slowly brushed through my hair. There was a knock at the door and mum went to answer it. I didn't move because I didn't think it would be anybody coming in so was surprised when Mr Thomas entered the room. He was chatting to my mum as they came in.
"Have a cup of tea," mum said, "and stay for a chat."
Mr Thomas looked me up and down in his disapproving way. I hoped he wouldn't stay because things were so awkward between us. However, he decided he would and sat himself down while mum went to the kitchen.
"You look pretty," he said. I wasn't sure whether this was sarcastic or not. I looked down, red in the face. "Your hair has got very long," he continued.
"I want it cut," I replied and gathered it up at the back and lifted it. I was conscious of just how long it had become.
"Sweet earrings," Mr Thomas said. I let my hair drop. I had forgotten about my ears.
It is decision time for Ollie. Will his dad rescue him? Does he want to be rescued? Can he bear to turn his back on the new things in his life? Maybe, being a girl is what he wants after all.
Dad didn’t once tell me to hurry up. His smile said he was having a great time. Then he announced, "I want to buy a beautiful necklace for my beautiful princess!" I went red and didn’t know where to look. There was something special in the way he called me a princess but also something quite humiliating. I loved the fact that it made me feel so special but being treated like a girl by my dad was so strange.
"Thank you, dad," I said. He gave me a questioning look so I said, "Thank you, daddy." He smiled.
Everything was going so well. Then we met Josh. I was admiring myself in the window of a shoe shop while daddy got more money from the cash point and I was aware that a boy was leaning back, bored. I looked his way and recognised Josh. Immediately, I coloured and hoped he hadn’t seen me. It was amazing how quickly the spell was broken. I had spent the day as a girl and loved it, even without Hannah around, but as soon as the cold draught of reality caught me it felt wrong, as if I was doing something I shouldn’t. I turned my back to edge away when dad crossed the street. Of course he saw Josh and called to him.
"Long time, no see Josh," he said. "My, you’ve grown since I last saw you."
"I eat a lot… or so my mum says," Josh answered. You could tell he was scanning around to see where I was. I didn’t know whether or not to say something then I realised he didn’t recognise me in my new gear. I started to think I could get away without being discovered but dad looked in my direction and Josh, following his eye-line, spotted me. His eyes took in the sight of me in a short skirt and his face registered surprise but he didn’t say anything.
"You and Josh don’t hang around much anymore, I hear," dad said.
"No, we are into different things," I said. Josh couldn’t tell whether he was the subject of disapproval or not.
"That’s right," Josh said. He didn’t know what to say next. It was very awkward for both of us.
"We’re going for lunch," dad announced. "Why not come with us?" Josh was searching for a reason.
"I don’t know," he hesitated. "I’m waiting for my mum and dad," he continued, "and they are taking ages."
"All the more reason to come with us," dad said. "I’ll sort it out with your parents."
He went into the shoe shop to find them, leaving Josh and me standing outside not sure what to say to each other. Josh kicked the ground in his trainers. I didn’t want to do that to my new boots.
"Are they new clothes?" he asked me at last.
"Yes," I replied, and then because I didn’t now what else to say and because I had heard my mum say this sort of thing I said, "Do you like them?" Immediately I felt stupid. I really was turning into a girl.
"Yes. They look very nice."
"Nice," I said mimicking Mrs Vincent. "Nice!" She hated that word. If we used it she would demand that we replaced it with a better, more specific word.
"Alright, very pretty," Josh said and then he went a bit red and I did too. Him because he had said it to me who used to be his best friend and me because I was really pleased he had said it.
"Do you really think so?" I replied. I was becoming a girl!
"Don’t you feel a bit, well, odd wearing them, though?" Josh asked.
I wasn’t sure what to say. I was confused. I hadn’t wanted him to see me like this, but now that he had I didn’t mind. The worst bit was over. What was more strange was that when I looked at what Josh was wearing, his combat trousers and scruffy sweatshirt with trainers, I really didn’t want to have to wear that sort of thing again. Yet, I used to… when I was a boy. And there it was again. I kept finding myself saying things to myself that showed that I was becoming more of a girl than a boy.
Dad returned before I had given Josh a proper answer and swept us off to lunch. We had a great time. It was a bit like when we were best friends and I wasn’t sure why we weren’t anymore except when Josh was talking he kept telling us things he had done, at school and at home, and I wasn’t all that interested. Although I still liked him I could see I wouldn’t want to spend much time with him anymore. The things Hannah and I did were much better.
Dad was really good to Josh. He joked with him and they talked about football for a bit. Then things got more serious when he said, "Is everything all right at school, Josh? I mean for Olivia." It was shocking to hear my dad call me by a girl’s name. I know the way I was dressed meant I couldn’t really complain but it was still odd to hear it. I didn’t say anything. Josh didn’t seem to think it was weird. His expression never changed. Dad continued, "It would be horrible if anyone had bullied her."
"Nobody has," Josh said. "Honestly." I think he was worried that my dad was accusing him.
"Told you," I said. Josh looked at me, relieved.
"Thanks Josh for being understanding. It hasn’t been easy for her, you know," dad continued.
"Dad," I said. I wanted him to stop and I wasn’t about to call him ‘daddy’ in front of Josh. There were some things I wasn’t ready for.
"Alright, I know when I’m being told off," he laughed and he leaned over and gently patted my face.
That afternoon dad bought me a necklace with a heart shaped pendant. It was the best present he ever bought me. In fact, it was the best weekend I had ever spent with him. When he delivered me back home I didn’t want to leave him but I was also excited at the thought of showing mummy all the new things we had bought. Mum stared at dad in admiration when I walked through the door wearing my skirt, tights and boots. She could hardly believe it. Her face was full of admiration at what dad had achieved.
When it was time to say goodbye to dad, she touched him, gently, on the arm in a way I hadn’t seen her do for a long time.
"Thanks," she said and her voice was warm. Dad smiled, kissed me on the cheek, then lifted me up and swung me around. I screamed when he pretended he was going to drop me.
"Are you going to be a good girl until I come again?" he asked.
"Yes I am," I replied.
"Say it then," he said holding my face between his hands.
"I am going to be good until next time," I replied.
"I am going to be a good girl," he said emphasising the words he wanted to hear.
"I am going to be a good girl," I said. Later, I realised that that was the first time I had called myself a girl out loud.
At school on Monday I wore a skirt for the first time. Mummy told me there would have to be a first time so I might as well get it over with. After the weekend it would have been odd to try to object.
I wasn’t thrilled at the idea but inside I recognised I was further away from boyhood than ever. I wore bottle green tights as well. I wanted to wear thinner tights. I knew Chloe would approve but mummy said I had to wait until I was older. The ones I wore were thicker winter tights. The skirt was a boring grey school skirt, like the other girls wore, nothing to get excited about.
I had new school shoes, black mary janes, so I looked just like all the other girls. I wore a cardigan for the first time as well. Some girls wore school cardigans but no boys did. I suppose mummy bought if from the school office since that is where the uniform came from. Nobody mentioned the fact I was wearing a skirt for the first time. I don’t think they noticed, particularly.
I had given up trying to hang on to the thought that I was a boy dressed up against his will. I thought of myself more and more as a girl. When Mrs Vincent let the boys go out to play first I just sat until she said the girls could go. I worked and played with girls. Bit by bit the world the boys inhabited seemed alien to me. I didn’t like the rough way they played near us sometimes and I would have hated to wear some of the clothes they had to wear.
One day in a PE lesson Mrs Vincent said we had to work in partners but that a boy had to work with a girl. Several boys argued over who would work with me and I felt really good. Mrs Vincent solved the problem by saying I could choose and I chose Josh. We had to make up a dance together to some music and Josh had the brilliant idea of me leaning back, like in a faint, and him holding me to stop me from falling. It looked brilliant everyone said afterwards. Josh was really pleased that we had been so successful and I had loved the way Josh had been able to hold me. He was really strong. I hadn’t really noticed before.
When we were lining up for dinner I found myself lining up next to Josh. We got talking. Then Jordan arrived and Josh turned to talk to him instead. They had become great friends since… well, since I started turning into a girl. I sighed and turned my back on the boys.
When Chloe came along I let her join me in the line, Jordan immediately objected. "That’s not fair," he said.
"She pushed in." He looked around for support but Josh didn’t seem to mind much.
"Typical girls," Jordan said, disgustedly. "Always sticking up for each other." Chloe and I smiled at each other.
"Better than being a smelly boy," I said. We laughed.
Hannah approved of my new clothes. It felt like it had been ages since we had seen each other but we had only missed a weekend. I showed her all my new stuff and told her about the weekend and about daddy calling me his little princess and everything. She listened to everything and told me she was glad things had been so good with my dad.
"When mummy first told me about you, I didn’t believe her," she said.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Well, she told me that, although you looked like a boy, you were really a girl inside. I felt sorry for you."
I looked at her. She was so sweet and obviously wanted to help but I couldn’t believe what she was telling me.
"Mummy explained about girls being trapped inside boys’ bodies," she continued. "It must have been really hard for you. I wanted to talk to you about it but mummy said I mustn’t. You would get upset."
I suppose this wasn’t so surprising. After all, I knew what my mum was up to but it still seemed so shocking to hear Hannah spell it out.
"Do you wish I had talked to you about it?" she asked.
"Not really. Anyway, it doesn’t matter now does it?" I replied.
"But you are happy now aren’t you? Now that everything is okay?"
"Yes. I suppose I am."
"The worst time was when we shared the bath. When you cried I was so upset for you but mummy explained that you didn’t like being naked," she went on.
"Well, it was embarrassing," I replied.
"I know. Mummy explained that you didn’t like any reminders that you were trapped as a boy. When you were with me you could pretend to be a girl, or so my mum said, but being naked in front of me… well there was no way you could keep up the pretence."
I stared at her. They had been so clever, Mum and Alison. They had thought of everything. I was getting worked up about it and felt like confronting them but then Hannah reminded me we were going shopping later.
"I’d like new jeans," she said. She was always wearing jeans. I don’t know why because she had great legs. I liked to show mine off and they weren’t anywhere near as good as hers.
"I’m getting some new tights," I told her. "Stripy ones would look great I think, don’t you?"
"They’d go great with that skirt and those boots," she said. I agreed. They would. I forgot about Mum and Alison and we linked arms as we headed back to the house.
I told you at the start of this story that I had three facts and one opinion about what happened to me. I’ve told you the facts.
The opinion?
It was the best thing that happened to me.