Hostess With The Mostest
Part 1
Maddy Bell

"So how much did you get last week?" Julia asked

"Twenty five, plus my share of the drinks, about forty I suppose" I admitted

"That is just so unfair Chris," Mandy stated, "all the drivers reckon you're the best host on the company but you always get diddley squat in the way of tips!"

"Well, that's the way it goes I suppose"

"What tour are you on this week Chris?" Julia shifted the focus of our conversation.

"Tirolean Splendour"

"Urgh! All those mountains. It rained all week last time I did that one" Julia mentioned

"Well I prefer it to those Med. Trips, they're too hot for my liking" I mentioned, " what about you two?"

"Sorrento and Amalfi Coast" Mandy stated

"Lake Garda for me" Julia added

"Cool we go down to Bavaria together" I enthused.

Now before you all get too uppity perhaps I need to fill in some holes! My name is Chris Hornby, like the toy trains? me and the girls work for Global Holidays as 'hosts' on their continental coach holidays. I've been doing this for three years now and I really enjoy it despite being or perhaps because I'm the only bloke. I'm sure a lot of you have been on coaching holidays so you'll have a fair idea what I do, if not you'll soon get the idea! Any way where were we? Oh yeah.

"Here we go" Mandy told us as the minibus pulled into Leicester Forest East (motorway services)

"See you at Dover girls" I called as we walked to where our weeks charges were waiting.

"See ya Chris" Mand called back

I walked to where my bus was waiting, Colin the usual driver for the UK leg was just finishing his fag.

"Hi Chris"

"Morning Col" I yawned, stretching theatrically, "I hate these early starts"

"Don't do anything for me either" he agreed

"Are we all loaded?"

"There's just a couple at the toilets then we can get off"

I climbed on board and stowed my bag, hopefully my luggage was already on board, I did load it myself last night but you never know! The last two 'guests' climbed on board followed closely by Col.

"Let's go!" Colin enthused

He reversed the coach out of the bay and eased forward, hooting the others still waiting. I waved to the girls as we passed and sat on my seat while we threaded our way out onto the motorway. The passengers settled down quickly and with practised timing I grabbed my mike and perched on the dashboard.

"Morning everybody"

A few mumbled mornings were received in reply.

"Welcome to Global Tours Tirolean Splendour, my name is Chris and I'll be looking after you this week. Colin here will take us to Dover where our driver for the rest of the trip, Den, will join us. Now just a bit of info for you, although there will be regular 'comfort' stops the coach does have a toilet, the door to the left at the bottom of the steps to the centre exit. Just remember to turn right when you come out" I joked, which received a mixed reception.

"All seats have seatbelts, for your safety we advise that you use them at all times. there are several emergency exits, front door, centre door and just next to the rear seats. In addition there are two roof exits and in case you are asked there is a fire extinguisher and first aid box next to my seat at the front here."

I paused for breath

"I will come around shortly if you want drinks, we can offer, tea, coffee, chocolate and an assortment of soft drinks. All drinks are fifty pence each or seventy cents if you prefer. If you have any questions, I'll try to answer them."

"Relax and have a good trip, thanks for your attention" I clicked the mike off, knowing that the punters would take a few minutes to settle down again.

"You want a drink Col?"

"Tea, white no sugar please"

I headed up the coach, a fixed smile on my face and started the drinks making process. I know some of my fellow hosts hate this bit of the job but done right you can make some serious dosh!

By the end of my first 'drinks' round, I realised that this was going to be a difficult trip, several retired couples, a few older singles, one young family with two small children and the rest of our thirty six passengers were forty something's. As usual, the regular travellers were extolling the 'virgins' with travellers tales of places distant, exotic and I'm sure quite often never visited!

We stopped for a loo and fag break at South Mimms then started the long leg down to Dover. As we always catch the one o'clock Stena sailing we could afford to keep the speed down and the other Global coaches caught up to us so that the driver changes at the docks were carried out simultaneously.

"Hi Den" I greeted my partner for the week.

"Chris" he acknowledged

A short wait on the dock and we were loading.

"We are at blue five, please return to the coach as soon as you are advised, have a good trip, see you in France" I told my charges

The passengers filed off and Den and I quickly locked the bus and followed up stairs. One of the perks of the job is the cheap or sometimes free meal's offered to coach crews. We joined the girls and their drivers, Rob and Steve and headed to the drivers lounge.

We collected our lunches and commandeered a table.

"What are yours like?" Mandy asked Julia and myself

"Looks like my lot are gonna be hard work, I only did a dozen drinks on the way down" I told them

"Poor Chris" Julia patted my arm, "my bunch seem pretty up for a good time"

"Yeah mine too, Chris always seems to get the sour pusses" Mand added

The six of us sat and chatted while the ferry manoeuvred out of Dover harbour then left to go visit the bureau de change and duty free shops. I know it's a cliché but we joined the bargain hunters in the rattling beer and cigs shop, Den likes the occasional cigar and Rob smokes anytime he gets a chance!

"That lot over there are mine" I pointed to a group of holidaymakers, sharing jokes and stories.

"They don't look too bad" Julia pointed out

"Well, they sort of clam up on the coach, none of my usual funnies have got more than a mumble"

"Not even the toilet door?" Mandy asked

"Nope!"

"I reckon it's because you're a bloke" Mandy went on

"Get off" I stated

"You know she could be right" Julia agreed

"Well I think that's a load of bull" I mentioned

"Maybe" a thoughtful Julia allowed

We continued chatting as we strolled the decks, picking up a few extra Euro's at the B de C before rejoining the drivers as they waited for the call to the vehicles. Being a Friday, we cleared the French authorities without a stop and our little convoy of purple and silver coaches joined the French motorway system. Grabbing the mike, I took my place at the front of the coach.

"Everyone okay?" a few murmurs came back

"I hope everyone has put their watches forward, from now until next Saturday we will be using European time. We will head north to Belgium and then across to Germany and our overnight stop in the Westerwald. Den, our driver here will be stopping periodically for the usual facilities and I'll be around for drinks in about ten minutes. Sit back and enjoy the trip"

For anyone who's done this trip you'll know that the drive across Belgium is pretty monotonous so after another poorly supported drinks round as we passed Dunkirk, I settled down with my book. The next time I looked we were just leaving the Brussels Ring and our first twenty-minute stop was about ten minutes away. Somewhere along the way our colleagues had gotten in front of us and we pulled in beside them as their passengers crossed to the services.

"Phew!" Mand sighed, "I've hardly sat down since Calais"

"I've done two rounds too" Julia mentioned

"Looks like I've got a week with the glums" I told them

"Poor Chris" Mand commiserated

"Anyone want to swap" I joked

"Okay" Julia agreed

"What?" I was a little surprised

"Tell you what, I'll swap with you as far as the next stop, just to get you off that pretty butt" Julia explained

"Why don't we all swap?" Mand suggested

"Erm, I'm not sure we should" I hesitated

"Hey Den," Julia called to where the smokers were puffing away, "you mind if Chris and I swap? Just to the next comfort."

"Fine by me" he replied, as senior driver what he says goes.

So that's what we did. It was soon evident that Mand's suggestion on the boat might have some mileage. In the end I got Julia's coach, Mandy got Den and Julia travelled on Steve's motor. Now don't get me wrong, there was no hostility or anything like that from the passengers, but they acted nothing like I'd been led to believe. In fact they were like clones of my own passengers and although the drinks round was pretty full there was none of the holiday atmosphere.

We pulled into Aachen services for our meal stop and once the customers were off the three drivers and us hosts went to eat.

"So?" Mand asked

"Julia's coach was as bad as mine except they drink more"

"Yours were okay Mand, what about Chris's?"

"Seemed okay to me, a bit noisy but just about everyone was buying"

"Look's like you girls were right, they just don't take to me the same as you" I observed, "must be my sparkling personality"

"Talk rot" Mandy stated, "you're great and all the drivers think you're good at the job, right fellas?"

"As good as anyone else" Rob confirmed

We finished eating and returned to our own coaches, we each stop tonight in a different hotel but we meet up at the first stop mid morning.

"See you in the morning" I told them

"Yeah take care Chris" Mandy mentioned

"You too" I returned

It was knocking on eight o'clock as we pulled up at the 'Adler', our overnight accommodation. After sorting out the room keys, I helped Den unload the cases and grabbing my case headed to get a shower before our planned stop in the bar for a beer.

Once in my room, I stripped off and opened my bag to get my toiletries. Hang on this isn't my bag! I had a quick look and realised that I had Julia's case, how the? Well it's not the end of the world, we can swap over in the morning, and I'll just have to use the complimentary wash gear.

Brrng, brrng! Brrng, brrng!

I got to the phone and found Julia at the other end.

"Chris, have you got my bag?"

"I hope you've got mine" I mentioned, "yep I've got yours here"

"Thank god, I thought I'd lost it. How did I end up with yours?"

"No idea" I told her

"Ah well, we'll swap in the morning at Ulm, good job I carry a spare pair of pants in my handbag eh?"

"I'll have to go commando"

"Ugh gross! You could borrow some of mine if you want"

"Er thanks for the offer, I'll probably borrow some from Den" I mentioned

"Well the offers there, anyway have to go someone's at the door, see you tomorrow"

"Yeah bye Julia"

The second day of Tirolean Splendour, Tour 1138, started off as I hoped the week would continue, dry and bright. After a buffet breakfast at the Adler we made our way out to the autobahn and resumed our journey south. My passengers seemed to have loosened up a bit but I still sensed a sort of tension in the air. You know, nothing you can put a finger on but it's there just the same? we drove past Frankfurt airport then across towards Ulm, reaching our rendezvous for elevenses only minutes apart.

"Morning Den, morning Chris" Julia greeted us lugging my case over.

"Hi Julia, sorry about the case"

"No problem Chris"

Den pulled Julia's case out of the crew compartment and replaced it with the one she had.

"Thanks" she mentioned as I carried her case over to where Rob waited to load it on.

"We going for coffee?"

"Yeah Mand's already gone to get it, we'll meet inside"

We waited for Den and Rob then walked across to the cafeteria where Steve and Mandy had just grabbed a table with our drinks. The drivers drank up quickly and headed outside for a fag.

"So?" Julia asked

"They're still a miserable lot" I stated

"Us girls had a chat last night after I spoke to you" Julia went on

"What about as if I can't guess"

"We were not talking about men! Well perhaps sort of" Mandy told me

"Okay, I've bitten. What did you talk about?"

"Well about you and your passengers" Julia started

"We've got an idea" Mandy enthused

"About what?"

"About how to get your 'interface' more compatible" she continued

"Go on" I rolled my eyes. Last time I listened to them I ended up dressed as Santa on the Christmas tour! All week!

"Well what if Christopher was taken ill and Christine took over?" Mandy suggested

"What are you on about" I wasn't getting something here.

"What Mand is trying to say is that we reckon you could pretend to be a girl this week to see if the punters treat you any different" Julia explained

"You've got to be kidding!" I exclaimed

"No seriously Chris, we've worked out how we do it and we're pretty sure you can do it" Mandy filled in

"No way!"

In truth the very idea was producing conflicting messages in my head, one bit of me was yelling' not in a million years' and another part was wondering what it would be like! I'm hardly what you would call handsome, just sort of a non-event but no way could I look female!

"Oh come on Chris, it'll be fun!" Julia suggested

"Just supposing I said yes, what's the plan and what about Den?" I queried

"Den's okay, I already spoke to him this morning." Julia informed me, "in fact he's well up for it"

I rolled my eyes again.

"Anyway, you go down with food poisoning between here and where we split. Then you come with Rob and me to Lake Garda where I'll transform you into Christine. Den's not due out tomorrow so you can catch the train and join the coach at the hotel as Chris's replacement." Julia finished

"It'd never work!" I stated

"Why not?" Mand asked

"Well I'd never be convincing" I threw at them

"Leave that to me, by the time you get to Seefeld no one will know you're not a girl" Julia mentioned

"Think about it Chris, it'll be fun!" Mandy enthused

"Okay I'll think about it, I'll ring you before the lunch stop." Why was I even thinking about doing it? One look at my passengers as they returned to the coach answered that one.

"You okay with Julia's plan Den?" I asked as we hit the road again

"Well, we don't need to tell the office do we? I fancy pulling the wool over this lots eye's, it's like driving a hearse all day!"

"I'll take that as a yes"

"Yep"

Ah well in for a penny! I picked up the company mobile and dialled Rob's coach.

"Julia?...Chris...okay, against my better judgement I'll give it a throw...sure...okay, see you in a couple of hours"

"Looks like I'm leaving you at the services Den" I mentioned

I did my drinks round, I was quite 'ill' and had to keep rushing to the toilet which at least made the passengers a bit more attentive.

"Are you all right luv" one of the biddy's asked after the latest visit.

"I think I've eaten something bad, I might have to fly home" I sowed the rumour seeds thickly.

Within minutes when I paid my next 'visit', most of the passengers were whispering about my imminent demise. So after a (faked) call to the office they were unsurprised but sympathetic when I told them I was leaving them to return home and that my replacement would join them tomorrow. It was more than a little embarrassing when I got ten pounds in tips when I left the coach to 'return home'!

As part of the cover, I got to spend the ride down to Lake Garda occupying the unused back row of seats. Julia made a few 'worried' trips up to the back during which we chatted quietly. I was amazed how the punters reacted to her as she made her way back and forth. That was lesson number one - watch how Julia navigates the aisle!

We arrived at the hotel early evening and as I didn't have a room, I was 'sharing' with Rob, or rather I wasn't! Being supposedly ill with food poisoning I had to miss dinner, instead I was bathing and having a shave so that I'd be ready to start my 'makeover' when Julia returned.

Maddy Bell 17.01.04  © 2004

Hostess With The Mostest
Part 2
Maddy Bell

"When I said shave I meant your arms and legs" Julia sighed

"Sorry, when you said shave I never thought" I replied

"Never mind Chris, come on I'll help, it won't take long"

Three quarters of an hour later I felt like a plucked chicken! Not only was I pretty much devoid of body hair in the obvious places, Julia shaved my pits and insisted I trim my 'bikini' area!

"That's better Chrissy, we need to get you sorted out tonight, we won't have much time in the morning, Rob will pop you along to the railway station, the train to Bolzano leaves at nine thirty."

"Remind me why I'm doing this?" I asked as Julia massaged some foul smelling gunk into my hair.

"Because you are as curious as the rest of us"

"I guess, what is that stuff?"

"Hair dye" she stated

"What!" I made to get up but Julia thrust me back into the chair

"Look Chris, you can't rejoin your passengers looking too much like you can you?"

"I guess not" I allowed

"We can dye it back next week okay" she soothed

"I s'pose so"

"Let's tidy your brows up a bit while that's working"

"I'm starving, I haven't eaten since lunch" I told her

"Oops! I forgot. Hang on, I'll order a pizza, bolognese okay?"

"Anything"

Julia slipped out of the room, returning after about five minutes.

"Be about fifteen minutes Chris, they'll bring it up for us"

"Thanks"

"Now then where were we?"

She descended on me with her tweezers and set about 'tidying' my wayward eyebrows. Fifteen minutes and a sore face later there was a knock on the door.

"That'll be the pizza" Julia stated

I guessed that much! Being used to the deep pan pizzas at home, this real Italian version was a bit of a let down but beggars can't be choosers. Julia joined me and produced a couple of bottles of 'Nasturo' to wash it down, I certainly felt better afterwards.

"How long does this dye have to be on?" I queried as Julia tidied the remains of our meal away.

"Oh bugger!" she exclaimed, "it's only supposed to be on for about twenty five minutes. Quick, into the bathroom we need to wash it out"

I needed no second prompt

"Hmm!" Julia mused, "well no one will recognise you now that's for sure"

I could only stare at my now white blonde hair. Don't get me wrong, I don't get paranoid over my barnet like some blokes I know and I do tend to wear it pretty long I suppose but the blonde in the mirror... well looks very girly.

"Come on Chris, sit down and I'll trim it a bit"

Too stunned to do otherwise I let her lead me back into the main room to continue with my transformation.

It was after one when I crept into Rob's room and climbed into the spare bed. It did nothing to dent his reputation when a young blonde was seen scampering out again before breakfast Monday morning!

"Morning Chrissie"

"Hi Julia, let's get on with this"

Julia had sorted out a set of clothing for me to travel in and between Mandy and herself had assembled a Global uniform for me to use. The plan was that when I get to Innsbruck after lunch I acquire a bit luggage, underwear in particular! Whilst I wasn't too keen on being thrust headlong into this, I've gone too far now to back out.

I donned Julia's control briefs and one of her padded bras which gave me a bit of a figure with the help of half a box of tissues. A knee length denim skirt donated by Mandy and a cropped t-shirt from the same source finished me off. I slipped my own walking sandals on, my now painted toe nails poking out for all to see, took the attention away from the men's styling.

"You'll do Chris, just remember what I've told you and you'll be fine"

"I hope so" I mumbled

"Come on, we've got time to grab a quick bit of breakfast before you go for your train."

Half an hour later Julia and I got off of Rob's coach outside Riva Del Garda railway station with a small-wheeled holdall and a distinct case of the jitters.

"Ring me when you get there Chris, we're only taking the punters on a boat ride after lunch so we'll be back about five"

"I don't know how I let you talk me into this" I told her

"Just think of it as an experiment in human psychology"

"Whatever"

"Come on that's your train just coming in"

I was the only customer in the ticket office so luckily I was served quickly and with a final hug from Julia I boarded the northbound train. The day was hot and I was soon glad of the somewhat revealing top I was wearing as the carriage had very little air circulating. At Bozen I had to change trains and took the opportunity to get a drink. With only fifteen minutes until my connection, the walk into the town was out so I found a bit of shade on the platform to wait.

The Munich bound train arrived ten minutes late and I secured a window seat; at least I could look at the scenery! This second train was a lot busier than the first but no one gave me more than a quick look, particularly after a woman joined me on the forward facing seats. Over the Brenner Pass and into Austria, within the hour I was deposited in the building site that was currently Innsbruck railway station.

So far so good! I found the left luggage lockers and deposited my bag and then projecting more confidence than I felt I set out to do some essential shopping! Julia had supplied me with a mini rucksack to keep my 'bits' as she called them in and I noted that here in Austria I fit right in with my current attire.

From a previous visit I remembered the location of a department store, I should be able to get everything I need for the week in there quite anonymously! Then it struck me! It's Sunday and unlike the UK nearly all the shops are actually shut, shit! Well I might as well walk up into the town anyway and a few minutes later a very relieved Chris joined the crowds in the main shopping thoroughfare. Thank heaven for local Saint's days! There was a bit of a festival going on and luckily most of the stores were taking advantage of the opportunity and were open for the afternoon.

In my job a good grounding in foreign languages is pretty useful, I can get by in French and Italian but I actually got an A level in German and I've picked up more on the job. However shopping for ladies underwear and clothing turned out to be a bit trickier than I thought. Not really having much idea on sizing I had to make an educated guess after reading a few packages. Julia had made a suggestion of what I would need and I was soon carting round a basket with various strumpfhose, bustenhalters and briefs inside.

Julia had suggested that for outerwear I should find stuff that I would be comfortable in and so I ran the gauntlet of the ladies wear department. How the hell do women decide what to buy? I walked around for a few minutes then spotting a mannequin wearing an outfit that I liked, I used that as a guide for my purchases. I left the store some two hundred Euros poorer but with a basic girls wardrobe for the week.

It was only when I passed a shoe shop that I realised that I'd forgotten something, shoes! Of course, I was wearing my own sandals because Julia's feet are two sizes smaller than mine are. I turned around and went into the shoe shop. Julia had suggested I stick to low heels or flats, and I was only too happy to concur. As a guy I can usually pick out my footwear pretty quick, I mean there's not exactly a lot of choice is there? Chrissy on the other hand was presented with hundreds of pairs to choose from!

After a quick look round, I'd dismissed over half of the schuh on offer as being unsuitable for various reasons and identified a few pairs that looked okay from a guys point of view. The place was self serve so I pulled a few boxes out to try. Now I can see why women take so long buying shoes! Eventually I left with a pair of women's walking sandals, a pair of strappy sandals with a low heel and just because I took a shine to them, a pair of very fashionable kitten heeled slingbacks!

I made my way wearily back to the Bahnhof where I retrieved my bag and made my way to the platform for the train up to Seefeld. As luck would have it, the train was just about to depart, with some assistance from the guard I got on and collapsed into a seat. I managed to sort of pack my purchases into the case as the train circled the town before starting the climb out of the Inn valley. Remember the end of Von Ryan's Express? Well this is where it was filmed. In and out of the tunnels and seemingly endlessly upwards we went, glances down into the valley below revealing the now toy town river and motorway. Eventually the line levelled out and we made the last stretch into Seefeld, my destination.

So far today I had had to have little in the way of conversation with anyone; soon I was going to have to convince a busload of people that I was a girl. I got an icy feeling in the pit of my stomach at the thought. I didn't think much of it when the smiling conductor helped off the train.

"Wiedersehn!"

"Danke, teuss!" I replied automatically

As I walked across to the exit I realised I was under scrutiny, several railwaymen were closely watching my progress, their friendly 'abend' as I passed did little to disguise their lustful gaze. I did not feel comfortable! I tugged my little case behind me as I made my way down to the square then out towards the lake where Global always stay. It was only after the third person had bid me good day that I realised that as a bloke no one usually spoke to me, now everyone was smiling and friendly. Maybe the girls really do have something?

I spotted Den sat outside the See Hotel nursing a beer.

"Den! Am I glad to see you"

He jerked round to see who was addressing him, seeing me he retained a puzzled expression.

"It's me, Chris" I hissed

"Flipping heck, I didn't recognise you at all"

"That was the idea" I reminded him

"Well if I didn't know I wouldn't guess" he told me

"Let's hope no one else does" I mentioned

"Best get you installed, I told Ingrid that you'd be here this afternoon and what you were doing but I never thought you'd be so convincing. Come on"

Den grabbed my bag and I followed meekly behind as he led the way into the hotel reception.

"Ingrid, it seems there has been a change of plan and Chris bottled out" what was Den up to?

"Such a shame Den, I was sure we'd have some fun"

"Well apparently head office couldn't get anyone out here before tomorrow so they arranged for young Nena here to fill in, she usually works for Luftner*"

I did my best to conceal my surprise at this unexpected turn of events. Now I'm not Chris in disguise I'm Nena a real girl!

"Hi Nena, I'm Ingrid, if you need anything let me know. And watch out for Den here, he thinks he's a regular stud" she smiled and winked as she said the last.

"Don't believe her Nena, I'm happily married"

I just nodded and smiled

"Den will take you to your room" Ingrid advised passing me the key

"Thank you" I put a slight inflection on to my reply

"See you later Nena"

"What's with the 'Nena' business Den?" I asked once we were out of earshot

"Sorry Chris I got carried away"

"Hmmpf," I mentioned, "but why Nena and why am I now Austrian and working for another company?"

"You just look so, I don't know, German, Austrian?"

"It's done now but no more surprises please" I implored

"Here's your room, see you in the bar about seven?"

"Okay"

"See you later then" with that Den left and I closed my door.

What have I got myself into? I dumped my bag and collapsed on the bed, I lay there for a few minutes mulling over the situation then spotting that it was nearly five I remembered Julia, must ring Julia! I recovered my mobile and hit the speed dial.

"Chris, I was getting worried about you!" she stated when she answered

"It's Nena now, I've not been here long"

"Nena?"

"It's a long story," I warned

"Well I'm not in a rush, spill!" she enthused.

So over the next fifteen minutes I relived the day's events, Julia occasionally making comments and when I got to the shopping bit made me describe all my purchases.

"And Den just came out with it?"

"Yep. So now I'm stuck as Nena, I can hardly be Chris with the passengers and Nena with the hotel can I?"

"I guess not"

"Well I best get off this phone, I need to shower and stuff before dinner"

"What are you going to wear?" Julia asked

"What I've had on today, maybe a different top"

"No way girl! You need to dress up a bit, make a good impression. Let's see now, you said the slash neck top was black yeah?"

"Er yeah"

"Well wear that with the layered skirt and your slingbacks, you'd best wear some tights too. Do your make up like I showed you last night with the dark pink lipstick and did you get some body spray?"

"Yeah it's got a sort of almondy smell"

"Whatever, use it but don't drown yourself in it. I'll call you later okay, see how it goes"

"Thanks Julia"

"Later ciao"

"Teuss" I put the phone down and started my preparations.

"There you are Nena, what are you drinking?" Den greeted me when I eventually arrived in the bar about ten past seven. My usual 'groáŸe bier' was out and even a small beer might be pushing my luck.

"White wine please"

"You look very nice, you settled in okay?" he asked

"As well as I can" I whispered, "these clothes take a bit of getting used to and as for these, " I indicated my nylon clad foot with the slingback on, "just don't get any ideas that they're comfortable!"

My wine arrived and the pair of us sat at one of the tables out of the way.

"I have to say Chris"

"Nena no thanks to you!" I hissed

"Sorry, Nena you wash up into a good looking woman" Den finished

"I think that's a compliment" I mentioned

"We'll get the punters before dinner, we need to sort out the excursions and introduce you."

"You'd better tell them that I'm German then, they might get a bit suspicious if I'm supposed to be Austrian and I don't know basic local stuff"

"Okay, where from then, we best make it convincing"

"How about Trier, I know the place pretty well, I doubt if any of this lot have been for more than a quick day trip"

"That's settled then, as I only just met you I can't tell anyone more than that can I?"

"Okay, looks like they're starting to arrive for dinner" I observed

Den waved to an older couple who had spotted us in the bar, the gossip was bound to start now! We waited until all the passengers were seated in the restaurant before the pair of us made our way in, me at Den's elbow instead of doing this myself.

"Ladies, gentlemen, can I have a minute before you eat"

The general hubbub decreased until Den had everybody's attention. Just the waitress's taking drink orders disturbed the peace.

"Thank you, I won't delay your meal long. We've managed to get a replacement for poor Chris, Nena here has stepped into the breach at exceedingly short notice. She won't mind me telling you she's German; from up on the Mosel so her English is not perfect but looking as pretty as she does I'm sure that won't be a problem. I'm sure you'll all join me in welcoming her to our party"

There was a short round of polite applause led by Den and I blushed to my bleached roots!

"I'll pass you over to her and she'll tell you what's happening, Nena" he motioned for me to take over.

Damn, he's done it to me again! I was really having to think on my feet today! I moved to where everyone could see me better.

"Hello everyone, my name is Nena Ziegler" it was the first surname I could think of, "and I am glad to be, erm, your host?" I looked to Den for confirmation, playing my rá´le up a bit. "You will have to forgive my English but I will try to help well. After you eat, Den and me will be taking list? For the optional day trips in the Stube." I referred to my list although I knew the set up by heart. "On Tuesday the trip is to the Krimml Falls and Mayrhofen for twenty Euro each, Mittwoch, sorry wed nes day you can go to the Silvretta Pass which is twenty five Euro."

I checked the sheet again before continuing.

"Thursday we offer you the Castle Tratzberg and the town of Rattenburg, it is thirty five Euro which includes the castle entrance. If you wish for to go, you can book after you eat. Tomorrow we will leave at nine fifteen. Thank you and gute essen" I finished

"Thanks Nena, we'll let you get on with your food" Den concluded our little presentation.

We made our exit, and Den led me through to the public dining room where we would eat this week, at least we'd get to eat in peace!

"That wasn't so bad" Den mentioned

"You should have been in my shoes" I stated

"I bet they're all talking about the pretty German hostess right now"

"What a comforting thought" I mused

"Come on Chr.. er Nena. You volunteered to do this and so far I reckon you've made a favourable impression" he told me

"If you say so"

"There you are" Ingrid greeted us, "you ready to eat?"

"You know me Ingrid" Den quipped

"He never stops eating!" she told me in a stage whisper before hurrying off to fetch our food.

"I can't believe Ingrid hasn't spotted it's me, I was only here with you three weeks ago"

"Well if she knows she's not saying anything, but I don't think she knows"

Just then one of the waitresses brought our soup in and our attention turned to eating. Julia had told me to be careful eating, take smaller bites, don't eat too much and don't play with the food. Not that I do usually, it's never on the plate long enough! Oh yeah and eat much slower.

Although the food at the See Hotel isn't haute cuisine, it's not transport café either! Tonight we had cream of cauliflower soup followed by schnitzel with mash and two veg. The sweet that followed was a choice of ice cream or fruit salad which Den and I followed with coffee as usual. It was novel for me to be served first all the time and I think a bit galling for Den, if he'd been sat with Chris, the driver always gets served first!

We finished our coffees and made our way into the Stube to set up for the business of selling day trips. On this holiday with six days in resort there were two included trips on Monday and Friday sandwiching the optionals, Sunday was always free so that the driver had the hours to do the rest of the trip.

I set up excursion central while Den got more alcohol for us.

"I think you should be in charge Den, I'm supposed to be new to the set up, someone might get suspicious if I'm too good tonight."

"Okay, but I'll pass questions over to you" he agreed

"Fair enough. Ot oh, here come the first lot"

It was the old couple that Den had waved to earlier.

"Evening Mr Stubbings, Mrs Stubbings" Den started, "what can we interest you in?"

"The waterfall and the castle please" Mrs Stubbings supplied

Den found them on the passenger list and noted their booking.

"That's ninety Euros then" he told them, my lovely helper will relieve you of the cash"

Mrs Stubbings presented me with a one hundred Euro note for which I found the change.

"There you are Mrs Stubbings, ten Euro, I hope you enjoy the excursions"

"Thank you dear, that's a pretty outfit, you'll have to get Den to take you out later to show it off"

"I might just do that" Den told us

"Good night Nena" Mrs S finished

"Good night" I replied rolling my eyes at Den.

Our next customers arrived ten minutes later and for the next hour we were constantly explaining, describing and passing pleasantries.

"That's everyone, you want to go for a nightcap?" Den offered

"Okay, I'll just get Ingrid to put this money in the safe, meet me in reception?"

"Ten minutes then"

I collected my bag and the cash box and went through to reception where I found Ingrid doing some paperwork. She greeted me in German. (Authors note: I have translated so you follow the plot!)

"Ah Nena, you have finished you're booking?"

"Eventually"

"The trips are all going?"

"Yes, Wednesday is a bit light but there are enough"

"Good, do you want the safe?"

"Please, there are several thousand Euro in here" I proffered the box which Ingrid took to put away. Returning she took up the conversation.

"Is Den taking you for a drink?"

"Yes, he'll be here shortly"

"He's a good man, a bit of a joker but harmless. You will be alright with him."

"You know this Chris, the one who is ill?" well I was making conversation!

"Yes, a nice boy but a bit quiet"

"What are you two talking about? Me I suppose eh?" Den arrived now wearing a jumper

Reverting to English Ingrid answered him.

"Of course about you, Nena was just asking how safe she was" she joked, "I told her she needs a chastity!"

"I'm hurt" Den exclaimed, "come on Nena before she corrupts you more" he led the way out

"Night Ingrid"

"Bye Nena"

We walked in silence for a couple of minutes towards the town centre and the bars.

"Well?" Den finally asked

"Well what?"

"Did Ingrid know it's you?"

"Well if she does, she's playing it close to her chest. She didn't give any indication of knowing"

"If anyone would spot you it would be Ingrid, she's got a soft spot for you you know"

"Now you tell me!"

I was feeling pretty comfortable until a sudden cool breeze blowing from an alleyway reminded me how I was dressed. Somehow I've managed to spend a whole day dressed as a girl without anyone guessing the truth. This is truly too weird! At the bar I grabbed a table while Den went to get our drinks, finally I get a beer, alcohol free but still just about beer! My phone went off and after locating the source of the ringing in the mini rucksack I eventually answered.

"Hi Julia"

"Hi Chris, how's it going and what's all that noise?"

"The noise is a group of students, me and Den are having a drink in the village and it's going okay so far"

"How're the punters treating you?" she pressed

"Okay I guess, they've been more talkative I suppose, especially the women"

"Who's that?" Den asked

"Julia" I mouthed

"Let me have a word" I passed him the phone

"Hi Julia, she's doing alright this girl of yours.... I said I would... very nice, she's getting a lot of attention in here... of course not... okay, here she is" he passed the phone back to me.

"What was all that about?" I asked

"Just making sure he's looking out for you"

"I can look out for myself!" I told her

"If you say so Nena " she emphasised.

* Luftner are a Tirolean coach operator running mostly tourist day trips

Maddy Bell 17.01.04  © 2004

Hostess With The Mostest
Part 3
Maddy Bell

"I think I'm gonna head back, I'm whacked"

"Let me just finish this" Den motioned to his raised glass

"You don't have to come back"

"If you think I'm letting you walk around at night on your own" he said with some vehemence

Finally I got it. I'm a girl now and that meant certain obligations on both sides, having an escort at night was just the first that made itself felt!

Back in my room, I gratefully stripped myself of my feminine attire, the slingbacks first followed swiftly by my skirt, top then I peeled the tights off leaving me in bra and panties. I eventually worked out the bra then lastly the tight pants, boy that was a relief! I had been blissfully unaware of my constricted equipment for most of the day but now as the blood re-circulated the numbness was replaced by a dull ache. Figuring the morning was going to be hectic, I grabbed a shower and collapsed naked into bed.

Sleep wasn't coming easily; I lay thinking about the day's events. Had I really travelled from Garda dressed as a girl? And then gone shopping in Innsbruck? I must be mad! Well I suppose its not been too bad so far, people seem to want to interact with Chrissy, no I'm Nena now. I chortled to myself wasn't that German singer called Nena? What was that song again, oh yeah Ninety-Nine Red Balloons. I dropped off humming '99 luftballoons floating in the summer sky, 99 luftballoons passing by'.

Brrng, Brrng...Brrng, Brrng!

Urgh, I opened my eyes and glanced at the clock, seven o'clock! Already the sun was poking its head over the surrounding mountaintops although the town remained in shadow; it was going to be another hot day today. It came to me as I lay there that I was going to have to get ready and dress as 'Nena' on my own, bum. I realised I was jut putting it off by lying there so I heaved myself out of bed and hit the bathroom for my morning ablutions. It was more than a bit strange shaving what even without makeup looked a quite feminine face with the blonde hair and thinly arching eyebrows.

Julia had suggested that I dress before attempting any makeup so, returning to the main room I selected the day's underwear. I carefully tucked my equipment into the flesh coloured control panties; I inspected myself in the mirror, no unladylike bulges, so far so good! Another padded bra, one of yesterday's purchases, provided me with a pleasant shape after adding copious quantities of tissue.

Now what? I surveyed my 'wardrobe', I tried to picture how the girls dress whilst on tour and compared my mental pictures with what I had to go with. I settled on a lemon cap sleeved t-shirt and a khaki skort, satisfied that I looked quite smart I realised that the last hurdle was makeup. Julia advised that less is more so that's what I went for. After three attempts I was satisfied that I didn't look like a clown and would pass muster. On impulse I slipped the strappy sandals onto my bare feet, the low heel just tilting my balance forward a bit. Looking in the mirror I saw a pleasant young woman looking back, it had taken me over an hour but I had done it! Damn, we're leaving in twenty minutes!

I grabbed my bag, checked the contents and headed to the restaurant for a quick breakfast. A coffee and a chocolate croissant later I joined Den out at the coach.

"I was just about to come looking for you"

"And good morning to you too!"

"Morning er Nena, you look good again this morning"

"That's why I'm so late, I've been up for nearly two hours!" I told him

"You ready for this?"

"As much as I ever will be," I admitted

"Let's go round then"

We got onto the coach and drove around to the front of the hotel where our trippers were patiently waiting.

"Guten morgen everyone" I greeted each and everyone as they all filed onboard for our excursion to the á–tztal. After a quick head count I signalled Den to set off and my first day as a female tour host has started! We turned onto the Telfs and I started my usual morning routine of a walk up the coach to check that everything was okay with everyone. As myself, that's Chris, this bit of PR has been known to stretch to oh, maybe ten minutes. This morning however everybody wanted to talk to me, not problems, but just conversation for the sake of it! 'How are you, that's a nice top Nena' - well you get the drift. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with it, I just wasn't expecting it. In fact we had left the mountain and were heading up the Inn valley before I got back to my seat.

"Everything okay?" Den asked

"Yes, no problems," with passengers just behind us I needed to watch what I said, "you want a drink?"

"The usual please"

"Which is?" I covered his slip

"Oh sorry Nena, coffee, white one sugar"

I started a drinks round and managed to get everyone served before we turned into the á–tztal. I wish I had put on the flat sandals though, even these low heels presented a challenge in navigating a swaying coach aisle! I was more than happy to sit down and enjoy the ride up the switchbacks and through the meadows to the valley's capital Solden. It's not much of place and the stop here was primarily to give the punters an option for a cable car ride. We pulled up at the Geislacherbahn next to a couple of other buses both from Germany.

I assumed the host position as Den opened the door to the already impressive heat.

"We have here one hour and a half," I was playing up the German accent and falling into a German language mindset even though I was speaking English. "There is the cable car here which takes you to Geislacher Kogel which is over drei tausand, sorry three thousand metres. Also there is the Gletscher bus which will take you up to the icefield. There are coffee shops in the willage if you prefer. We will leave at eleven thirty, have a nice visit." I clicked the microphone off and carefully stepped down from the air-conditioned splendour of the Setra into the dry heat of Solden.

My 'clients' trooped off the bus, some stopping for directions, but all giving me a smile. Finally it was just Den and me left at the coach.

"Well it seems to be going okay so far" Den mentioned

"I guess, I wish I'd brought my other sandals, it's a nightmare trying to walk up the coach in these"

"Well take them off then, most of the girls go barefoot on the bus"

"I never thought of that, so what are we doing?"

"If we're quick we can catch the glacier bus, we can get a drink up the top"

"Okay, let me get my bag"

A couple of minutes later we joined the small crowd waiting to board the bus up to the glaciers. There were just a couple of Global passengers; the rest were from the German buses. Once on board, Den and I found a couple of seats near the back and settled down for our busman's holiday.

"Haven't you got any sunglasses?" Den asked from behind his Bollé's

"Only my usuals, they're hardly something a girl would wear" I pulled them out to emphasise my point.

"Well they'll have to do for now, you'll need to wear something up the top, the sun really reflects off the snow and ice"

"I guess you're right, I'll have to get some more suitable shades later"

The bus cranked its way out of the village, negotiating the switchbacks with practised ease. It really was beautiful up here, the bright green of the meadows in stark counterpoint to the dark rock and bright snow still spotting the high peaks. Then there it was, the icefield and anyone not already be-glassed quickly was, the glare was impossible! The bus followed the markers across the ice and eventually pulled up at the little hut that served as terminus, café and souvenir shop.

"Zwanzig minuten, twenty minutes" the driver stated as his cargo spilled from the bus

"Coffee?" Den queried

"Yes please" I mentioned as I carefully made my way across the frozen surface to the cabin. These sandals were not a good idea today! I made it to a table and sat down. Wow this is something else, the clean alpine air, periwinkle sky, the smell of fresh coffee, I totally forgot how I was dressed and just sat back with the sun on my face. Even up here on the ice it must have been knocking on thirty degrees!

"Here you go" Den stated

"Cheers, this is beautiful huh?"

"Inspiring"

We sat and drank our coffees then I checked the time.

"I want a quick look in the shop, coming?"

"No, I'll just have a wander round" Den told me

I joined the few customers in the shop and inspected the various souvenirs on offer, your usual cards, books and trinkets. For some reason I was drawn to a display of neckerchiefs, popular with the German ladies, but not really with anyone else. On impulse I selected a pale green scarf decorated with edelweiss and closed with a Tirol 'heart' toggle. Before I got to the counter I'd also got a walking pole in my hand.

"Nena!"

I didn't connect the name with me.

"Nena, the bus is ready to leave" it was Den

"Urgh, I won't be a minute, tell him I'll be straight out"

"Okay, I'll try to delay him"

When I finally got to bus the driver looked in no particular hurry, Den hopped down to 'help' me up the step. The driver just smiled and shook his head as I climbed on and I heard him say "Damen" in that universal male put down tone. The episode was pretty embarrassing and I realised that I often acted the same way as Chris.

The drive back down to Solden was a fair bit quicker but no less spectacular and we spilled out of the bus just five minutes before we were due to leave. Den opened the coach up and set the air con going so that by the time everyone was on board we were only five minutes late and the bus was returning to a comfortable twenty degrees.

"Everyone enjoy themselves?" I asked taking the mike up again

A chorus of approving noises and smiling faces answered me.

"We have a short drive now, just twenty five kilometres to Umhausen where we will have lunch and have a visit to á–tzi Dorf and for those of you who wish a walk to Stuibenfá¤lle, the high waterfall of the Tirol."

Taking Den's advice I slipped off my sandals and did my bus walk barefoot, selling a few cold drinks on the way. We were negotiating the narrow road through Umhausen by the time I returned to the front of the bus.

"Okay?" Den asked

"It's certainly easier without these" I waved my footwear

"Better put them on, we'll be there in a mo"

I sat in my seat and slipped the strappy sandals back on my feet. Den parked in as much shade as he could find then it was back over to Nena!

"We will leave here at vier heure, sorry four o'clock, " I told my audience, "the visit to á–tzi Dorf is included in your holiday, the guided visit takes about forty five minutes and there is a café for food also. The Stuibenfá¤lle is a twenty-minute walk further on or you can join in the fun at the Badeseum - natural bathing lake of Umhausen. It is a short walk to the village, so if you wait for everyone we can all walk together."

Fifteen minutes later our charges were in the capable hands of Irene, one of the museum staff. If you don't yet realise what this is all about I'd best explain. Some years ago some hikers found a body high up in the á–tztaler Alps who was christened á–tzi. He apparently died several thousand years ago and is now in a museum in Bozen / Bolzano, á–tzi Dorf is the locals attempt to attract a few visitors with a living Neolithic 'á–tzi' age reconstructed village with all the crops and animals of the time in a realistic setting. Not everyone's cup of tea but most of our punters seem to enjoy it.

Den and I, having been around previously, hit the café, ordered some food and settled in for lunch as our passengers went off with Irene. Happy that we weren't going to be overheard, Den started the conversation.

"So what do you think so far Chris?"

"About what?"

"How're the punters treat you dummy?"

"Well I never noticed before but much as I hate to admit it, they do seem to interact better with me looking like this"

"They're certainly noisier!"

The arrival of our food interrupted the conversation and for the next few minutes we ate in silence.

Den took me by surprise when he spoke again.

"You know Chris, if I didn't know, I'd never guess you were a bloke"

How do you answer that?

"Oh come on Den!"

"Serious. Even the way you eat, I suppose if you know about these things you'd notice but most people are not looking for a bloke when they see you like that. They see what they want to see."

"I suppose you're right."

"I know so, no one is going to see you looking like that and go 'that's not a girl that's a bloke in drag!'" he stated

I flushed, not sure how I felt about this. I mean it's not like I'm in love with this whole idea, don't get me wrong if dressing up as a girl is your bag, that's fine by me but it's not my thing. I've somehow managed to pass but will I get through the week, will Nena be outed as Chris? I slipped that thought quietly away, unvoiced, to the back of my mind.

"You fancy going up to the falls?"

"Why not" I agreed, "toilet first though."

The ladies! Well at least here at the museum there's not a queue! I did my business then used the mirror to settle my new scarf in place, I was rather pleased with the result. I joined Den outside and we left for the short hike up to the falls.

The Stuibenfá¤lle looked picture postcard pretty.

The falls were fairly noisy and quite spectacular set in a background of dark pine and granite. I was more than a bit annoyed that I'd had to rely on Den to help me negotiate some of the steeper, rockier bits of trail in these stupid sandals! Lesson for the day - plan your footwear! At least my choice of skort and t-shirt has worked out okay.

We watched the water for a while then made our way back down to the car park. I got us some ice cream at the kiosk then joined Den sitting in the limited shade by the coach.

"You've caught the sun a bit, just look at your feet"

"What?" I looked at my feet; they looked okay, I decided to slip my shoes off anyhow. "Bum!"

"Told you"

I certainly have picked up some colour, the faint lines of the sandal straps can clearly be seen on my feet.

I made myself comfortable on the grass while Den went for a mosey round

"You look comfortable Nena" the voice snapped me back to consciousness.

"Oh hi Mr Stubbings" I replied sitting up, "you have a good visit?" my German accent was back!

"Lovely, the Mrs wasn't so keen but that girl, Irene, she really made it come alive like"

"You went to the falls also?"

"No lass, I'm not so good on my feet these days. We saw you and Den heading off?" he left the question hanging.

"Yes, we walked up, I not see before, they are very, how you say, nice"

"Ah here's the missus" Mrs Stubbings made her way over bearing ice cream for her husband.

"I was just saying to Nena, we don't walk much these days"

"I'm sure she doesn't want to hear about your legs" she mentioned

"I wasn't"

"He does go on sometimes me duck. He spent twenty minutes telling an Italian lady about his lumbago on Sunday"

"She was interested" he exclaimed

"Being polite more like"

"Nena, can you give me a hand" Den called over from beside the bus

"Excuse me" I asked the Stubbings

"That's alright luv"

She was still rattling on as I walked barefoot over to Den

"Thanks"

"It looked like you needed rescuing"

"Is that the time?"

"Yeah another fifteen minutes before the off"

"Coffee?"

"No a can of orange please"

I hopped inside, stowed my bag and sandals and went to fetch the cans. Of course as soon as the now congregating passengers saw the drinks, they all wanted one. By the time we were ready to leave, curiously five minutes late again, I'm sure it was that same pair of women, I had sold twenty-five cans of Pop! After a quick headcount, Den started us on the drive back to Seefeld.

"You gonna do the announcements on here or later?" Den queried as we headed back towards the Inn valley.

"Might as well do it now"

I got my paperwork together and checked the microphone.

"Hello everyone" the hubbub lowered to a more attentive level, "we hope you enjoyed today"

A variety of affirmative comments came down the saloon.

"Gut, tomorrow for those who have booked, we go to Krimml and Mayrhofen, departure time will be nine o'clock, it is a long day we will be arriving back in Seefeld about seven but I'm sure you will enjoy the day. Dinner tonight will be as normal at 6.30 but tomorrow it will be at 7.30. Thank you" I closed the mike and sat back into the courier seat.

The drive back was along the motorway; it seemed no time before we turned off for Telfs and the climb up to Seefeld. Back at the See Hotel, I made nice as the customers exited our transport and soon it was just me, Den and the Setra.

"I'll see you in the bar before dinner" I told my colleague

"Okay, see you later"

I walked into reception to get my key.

"Hi Nena, good day?" Ingrid asked in German

"The weather was good and we didn't lose anyone, if that's good it was good!" I joked

"Where is it tomorrow?"

"Krimml"

"You've been before?"

"Yes often," I adlibbed, "usually I go every week, maybe twice"

"Of course you are based at Kitzbá¼hel no?"

"Most of the season yes" I just hoped that she wouldn't push for too much detail.

"Sorry you must want to go get changed, we should talk again later"

"I should like that" how the hell do I get out of this? I took the proffered key and headed to my room. Hmmm, I've stayed here quite a few times and that's the longest conversation I've ever had with Ingrid, thinking about it she always uses English with Chris too. I shook my head; it can't be because she thinks I'm a girl can it? Most likely it's because she thinks I'm German and she's more comfortable in her native tongue.

I collapsed on my bed only to be disturbed moments later by my mobile, Julie!

"Hi Julie"

"Hi Chris, I mean Nena, I'll never get used to that name!"

"Well you've not exactly got to have you? I mean it's me that has to answer to it all week"

"Sorry," she apologised, "so how did it go today?"

"You want the short version or the book?"

"Book of course!"

"You asked for it. Well I got up a bit after seven..."

I droned on with little interruption for twenty minutes.

"...and then I had a chat with Ingrid before coming up here"

"So you got sandal foot?" Julia giggled down the phone at me

"Well not much, you can only just see"

"Wait till the morning girl!" she chortled

"And I suppose you never got caught" I countered

"Don't be daft, 'course I have but you're a bloke with girls tan lines on your feet"

"Bugger, I hadn't thought of that"

"Well you normally wear trainers anyway so no one will see"

"Until I go swimming or to the gym"

"You worry too much, no one looks at other peoples feet that closely"

"Whatever" I sighed

"So how were the punters?"

"Well I have to admit they were a lot more like yours today, in fact Den was sort of complaining about the noise on the coach"

"That sounds like Den, any whinger's?"

"I hadn't realised 'till just now but no. I usually have someone complaining about some imaginary fault by now"

"Damn!" Julie exclaimed, "have to go, Rob's banging on the door, we've got the bloody folk night tonight"

"Good luck" none of us particularly enjoy the torture that is a 'Heimat' night. And not only that but it usually ends up with host getting 'involved', deep joy!

"Talk to you tomorrow, where are you off to?"

"Krimml and Mayrhofen, you?"

"Venice, lovely smelly Venice"

"Have fun"

"And you, later"

"Teuss"

I put my phone down then realised that I was supposed to meet Den in half an hour, shit! Stripping down to my underwear I got myself a quick wash, a shower will have to wait, and then checked my clothing options for this evening. Even I know that no woman would wear the same outfit twice in a row so that cut my options somewhat! After some deliberation I settled on the outfit that provided the inspiration during my shopping trip, a baggy dark red jumper teamed with a calf length cotton skirt in cream with little red flowers all over and a mock slip peeking out the bottom. My slingbacks and some 'natural' tights completed my outfit. More makeup then a liberal dose of body spray and I was ready.

"Sorry!" I told Den putting my shoe on properly

He shook his head, "just like a woman, always late"

"I was talking to Julie"

"Gossiping, I know and you forgot the time am I wrong?"

"Er no" I admitted

"What are you drinking?"

"Just a coke for now please"

Den ordered my drink then turned back to me.

"You sure you've not done this before?"

"Course I'm sure"

"Well like I said earlier, I'd never guess. I mean you looked great today and you look pretty, what does my son say now? Oh yeah, you look pretty buff tonight"

I wish I could disable my blush button. I flushed crimson just as Ingrid walked up.

"What have you been saying Den, the poor girls embarrassed, one of your blue jokes eh?"

"I was just saying how nice she looks, honest" Den protested raising his hands in defence.

Ingrid looked me up and down.

"Well Nena, I have to say that outfit really suits you"

"Danke" I managed

Slipping into German, Ingrid went on, "you should come to Dino's Tanz Bar with me and the girls later, you can bring this lummox if you want. We'll have a great time, cheap drinks, plenty of totty," she winked at me, "dancing," she gave a little shimmy, "and definitely some snogging!" she finished.

"I don't know," I offered, "we have a long day tomorrow"

"Ach, you'll be fine"

I was clutching at straws now in an attempt to politely turn her down.

"I haven't brought anything suitable to wear"

"You look okay to me, to be honest most of us go in jeans, it's pretty casual. Meet us in reception at nine" she gave me a peck on the cheek, waved to 'the lummox' and disappeared into the kitchen.

"What was all that about?" Den asked

"She wants me to go out with her and the girls, you're invited too"

"I went out with Ingrid once a couple of seasons ago, never again!"

"Well I'm not going anyway" I told him

"I reckon you should, it'll be an experience you won't forget"

"No I won't forget it 'coz I'm not going" I insisted

Maddy Bell 17.01.04  © 2004

Hostess With The Mostest
Part 4
Maddy Bell

Well dinner was quite pleasant; tortellini on a cream sauce followed a thin vegetable soup and a sort of set summer fruit yoghurt provided desert. We chatted amiably during the meal then decamped to the Stube for a drink or three. After a couple of small beers I was starting to relax somewhat as Den and I continued talking.

"Ah! There she is girls! Come on Nena time to party!"

Ingrid grabbed my arm and dragged me out of my seat, leading me to the door

"Den! Den!" I pleaded

"You'd best take this Nena" Den waved 'my' bag in the air.

"I'll get you for this" I replied as in one fluid motion Ingrid propelled me out of the door, swung back to grab my bag and joined me and the girls outside.

"Here she is girls, Nena meet Maria, Trude, Sonja and Anna" Ingrid stated in German

"Hi Nena" Trude greeted.

"Hiya" Sonja agreed

"Er hi" I nervously replied, it looks like I was going on one of Ingrid's 'girls nights' whether I liked it or not, I was already being propelled out into the street much to the amusement of several of my passengers. The 'other' girls were all dressed comfortably, I was grateful that I wasn't the only one in a skirt. We walked up into the town then through the arch to where I could already hear the pulsing beat of the music in Dino's Tanz Bar.

I hesitated as we approached the door.

"Come on Nena, it'll be fun!" Ingrid mentioned

"I, er feel a little out of place"

Leaning close to my ear she went on,

"Don't worry Chris, I know, I'll make sure you're okay"

"B, but..." I started

"We'll talk later, now come on lets have some fun!" and I was dragged into the bar.

My body switched to auto pilot while my brain took a time out. If Ingrid knows, who else does? Has Den just been winding me up? Do all the punters know?

"There you two are, here" Anna thrust a drink at each of us before heading back to the bar, Ingrid led the way to a table in the back where the others were settling in.

"Nice jumper Nena" Sonja stated

"Er thanks" my semi engaged brain instructed my mouth

"Not many boys yet" Maria mentioned

"It's early yet, Michael and Jens said they'd be down later" a now returned Anna advised

"They work at the 'Krone'" Ingrid filled in for my benefit

I nervously sat and listened to the conversation, expecting any moment to be outed.

"It's okay Chris, the others don't know and I'm not telling" Ingrid whispered in my ear, I relaxed a bit but I still felt like a spare part. The conversation flowed around me, occasionally I was asked a direct question but the others took my quiet demeanour as shyness. We were on our second round of drinks before the DJ started up and a few people hit the dance floor including the other girls, I was 'encouraged' to join them by Trude and Maria. I've never been a great one on the dance floor but I relaxed enough to mimic the others movements, presenting some semblance of dancing.

More drinks, I've no idea what it was, some sort of cocktail thing, the two guys from the Krone joined us and I was sort of enjoying myself. It was more than a bit weird 'dancing' with my skirt flapping around my legs and doing my best not to trip in my admittedly low heels. My worst fear as you might guess was some guy hitting on me, given the chance I probably would. Working on the theory of safety in numbers, I developed a limpet like attraction to the rest of our party and the nearest a bloke got to me was Michael and Jens dancing 'with' me. Phew!

"Den was right" I groaned three hours later as we queued for bratwá¼rst in the town square

"What did he say?" Anna asked

"There you go girls," Jens said passing a 'sausage in a bun' to each of us. I laughed inwardly at the thought of Pratchett's 'CMOT Dibbler' character; well I was three sheets to the wind!

"He said it was an experience I'd never forget"

"But you had a good time eh?" Maria asked as we sat on the wall to eat

"Of course she did" Ingrid mentioned

The conversation moved away from me to the 'totty', mostly holidaymakers, whose company we'd spent the evening. Being heavy with alcohol, I concentrated on eating my wá¼rst and was surprised by the tugging on my arm.

"Come on Nena, time to go home" Ingrid instructed

"Er okay" I stumbled to my feet.

"Give me a hand Trude"

I had their assistance all the way back to the hotel and up to my room.

"Night Nena!"

"Night" I answered with a vague doorward wave.

I awoke what seemed like moments later to the insistent ringing of my alarm.

"Uuurgh!" was the total amount of conversation I could muster.

What a night! I finally crawled out of bed and realising I was still dressed, stripped and clambered into the shower. The sharp needles of water eventually returned me to some degree of consciousness and I wished it hadn't as a killer hangover kicked in!

What the hell happened to you?" Den asked an hour later as I joined him for breakfast.

I shot him a look that could have killed at twenty paces!

"As if you don't know, why didn't you help me out?"

"You looked like you wanted to go"

"And what did you tell Ingrid?"

"What do you mean?"

"She knows!" I hissed across the orange juice

"Well I didn't tell her" he replied, "what did she say?"

"Just that she knew"

"Well even with a hangover you look okay" he mentioned

"Hmmm."

I finished my breakfast and waited while Den had a second coffee before we went out to the bus. My, or rather Julia's, denim skirt felt good on my freshly shaved legs, another t shirt, this one in lavender completed today's outfit, I opted for the flat walking sandals after yesterday but the strappy pair were in my backpack. I was still feeling a bit rough as I greeted the passengers; I failed to see any indication that any of them knew I was anything but what I appear so I relaxed somewhat. After a quick check on numbers, we started off towards Innsbruck for our Mayrhofen and Krimml day.

"Guten morgen" I started once we were on the main road

"Morning" most of my charges replied

"Heavy night Nena?" one wag suggested which raised a few chortles at my expense.

What could I say?

I smiled and glibly replied "is it that clear? It was a good party"

This seemed to satisfy the inquisitive and brought smiles to most of the others faces too.

"We have a short drive to Yenback (Jenbach) where we will put you onto the Zillertal train to Mayrhofen. Den will meet us at the top where we have time for shopping and lunch before moving on to Krimml. Okay?" mumbled yes's came back.

"A car went straight into the restaurant last week apparently" Den noted as we made the corner at the bottom of the steepest part of the descent.

"Good job it was there, it's a long way down!" I mentioned as I started my walk up the bus. Much like yesterday, I was accosted with small talk by the punters, the weather, today's trip and my evening out were the popular topics this morning!

I eventually rejoined Den down the front as we passed Innsbruck, the short run down the valley past Schwaz only took thirty minutes and we threaded our way to the mainline terminus of the narrow gauge Zillertallerbahn. A sometimes benefit of being a courier is the number of free excursions I 'have' to go on. Leaving my passengers to follow on under Dens tutelage, I went into the ticket office to get the tickets, this train ride was included in their twenty Euro charge for the day.

"Please everyone, our train leaves in fifteen minutes from gleis, sorry platform three, so if you can make your way over, we will be in carriage five at the rear" I thought my 'accidental' use of German made me more plausible.

The punters dutifully trooped down the subway steps while I checked with Den.

"I'll head straight off, I'll meet you at the usual spot" Den stated

"Okay, I'll try not to lose anyone this time" I referred to a previous trip when as Chris I lost a passenger who got off the train at Zell am Ziller. We had the police out and I must admit to getting into a bit of a panic, luckily the old guy was still stood on the platform when the local Gendarmes got there.

The little Achensee steam train hooted as it arrived from its short trip down from the lake and our transport tooted a reply as it too arrived at the station.

"See you at the top Chris" Den mentioned as he returned to our bus.

"Later" I replied.

I quickly made my way over to the huddle of punters now watching our Dampflugzug chug into place. After a quick head count I managed to usher my charges onto the train and get the m settled.

"Please, your attention!" I mentioned, "we are going to the terminus, please do not leave the train before, Den has just told me a passenger got off early on the last trip and the poll its eye (polizei) had to rescue them! We don't want that do we?" the little anecdote caused a few chuckles.

We gave Den a wave as he passed us near Zell.

It's not a fast train, in fact they run buses to the same schedule for the little over 30km trip, but especially on steam journeys it's more enjoyable. Right on time the little wood burning locomotive started the 10.10 to Mayrhofen. The day was again turning warm so the carriage windows were down, resulting in occasional blasts of soot-laden smoke surprising the occupants.

I checked everyone was okay with a walk up the carriage and again had several conversations on the way. As myself, I rarely got more than a few words out of anyone and on this trip I generally ended up sat enjoying the view. Today however we were pulling into the terminus and I hadn't managed to sit down! I'm glad I put these sandals on.

After giving everyone a chance to use the toilets and get their photographs, I swung into host mode again. Ten minutes later we reached Mayrhofen's main street.

"We leave here at one o'clock, the coach," I looked across into the coach park," yes, the coach is just over there." I pointed to our transport. "The shopping and restaurants are mostly up that way, enjoy yourselves!"

After answering a couple of questions I walked round to where Den was already nursing a coffee at the snack bar.

"My feet are killing me" I moaned

"You've just been sat down for nearly an hour" Den replied, catching the girls attention he ordered a coffee for me.

"I wish, I was on my feet all the way up, everyone wanted to chat to 'Nena'"

"At least you look a bit chipper now"

"Well I must thank the aspirin for that. Which reminds me, Ingrid!"

"Look Chris, if she hasn't said anything to anyone else I don't suppose she will. What exactly did she say?"

"Danke," I mentioned as my drink arrived, I passed her the exact money. "Well like I said earlier, just that she knew and we would talk later"

"Well no point in worrying about it, this lot haven't cottoned on which is the main thing"

"I guess"

"Anyway, what happened last night? I didn't hear you get back"

"I think it was after two," I supplied, "there's not much to tell. Go to bar, drink, dance a bit, eat dodgy food on the way home, collapse into bed with clothes on. Just like a night out in Nottingham."

"Well I've never seen you looking as hung over as this morning before, how much did you drink?"

"You sound like my mother Den" I mentioned "well if you include what I had before I was kidnapped, three beers and five of what Sonja called a 'Ski Jump', some sort of local cocktail thingy"

"It's a wonder you could walk this morning"

"Tell me about it, we sitting here or going for a walk?"

"Walk" he agreed.

"I hope you all enjoyed your visit in Mayrhofen?"

"Lovely place"

"Nice shops"

"Bit expensive"

Well I think they enjoyed themselves!

Den was already manoeuvring the Setra out onto the road.

"This abend, sorry afternoon we go across the Gerlos Pass to the Krimml Wasserfá¤lle, sit back and enjoy the ride"

They all seemed happy enough as we tootled back down the valley to Zell where we turned onto the Gerlos road and started the ascent to pass. This bit of road always seems to take for ever although it's not much over 20k's to the top. It has become traditional that we stop at the dam near the top for a coffee break and today was no different. I brewed the drinks; everyone had something during the fifteen-minute stop. I just had time for a quick look in the kiosk and ended up buying another neck scarf, for my mum honest!

Back on the bus started the descent to the falls, the road down to the falls really is impressive, switchbacks and at one point a full 360 ° loop! We joined the twenty or so other coaches in the coach park; this place is always busy!

"Hello! Before we get off I need to advise you? Please be very careful the path is very, how do you say, bumpy. Also only use the underpass to cross the road. The entry to the falls is five uro; you can see the lower falls for free though. There are special taxi's to the top for anyone not wanting to walk, price is about ten uro. We are here for one hour thirty, we leave at three p.m."

Having been several times before, I decided to read for a while, Den wanted to wash the coach so that was settled. I pulled my copy of 'Valley of the Horses', Jean Auel's epic, out of my bag, slipped my sandals off and settled down. I lost track of time, as I became engrossed in the action, Ayla had just rescued Jondolar when Den poked his head back inside.

"You want to get a drink?"

"Er okay, won't be a minute"

"I'll just put my stuff in the locker then I'm ready" Den advised

I marked my place and put the book on the dashboard while I put on my shoes, I had one on before I realised that I was putting the strappy sandals on. I must have pulled them out to get the book. Ah well, in for a penny! I did a quick check in the mirror, still looking pretty good despite the heat.

"Ready?"

"Yeah"

We walked round to the small café / bar at the start of the waterfall path. There were several other coach crews there as you might expect and, sod it, a couple that I was on more than nodding terms with as Chris!

"I think I'll go back Den"

"Why?"

"George is over there, he's bound to recognise me" I hissed

"Too late he's spotted us, "hi George, still on the trolleys then?"

"Hey Den how's it going"

We walked over to his table me trailing reluctantly.

"And who's this lovely creature?" George asked

"George meet Nena, Nena this is George, he drives for Wallace Arnold. Nena's filling for Chris, he went down with food poisoning on the way down." Den laid it on thick

"Hello Nena, hope Den here's behaving himself"

I tried to sound upbeat as I replied.

"He is being, how you say, a gentleperson, no, gentleman"

"Maureen will be back in a mo" George mentioned.

The waitress came to take our order and the woman mountain that is Maureen joined us. After a repeat of the introductions, Den and George started talking coaches, which left me to 'chat' with Maureen. It was clear that she was sizing me up as we talked, I was certain that she recognised me but I sort of deflected her with the tale of last nights exploits. She was a little confused I could see now but if I know Maureen she'd stew on it for a while yet.

"Time to get back Nena" Den advised, rescuing me from further interrogation.

"Take care Nena, don't let Den take advantage" George joked

"Might see you later in the week" Maureen suggested

"Teuss" I waved as we left them.

"I'm sure Maureen knows"

"You're just paranoid, George certainly didn't recognise you"

"I am not paranoid!"

"Hello Mr Stubbings, are you enjoying yourselves?" Den went on.

I slapped my smile back on and joined the Stubbings to return to the bus.

Today's trip was certainly packing stuff in; we've still one more stop before we head back for our late dinner. We had everyone on board at five to three, the air con was proving a good draw and instead of heading back up the hill we headed down the valley. Forty minutes and a crossing of the Thurn Pass we arrived at Kitzbá¼hel for a stop of about an hour. After directing our passengers towards the town, Den and I locked up and headed down ourselves, I'm afraid I'm a sucker for the tradition of coffee and 'kuchen' in the afternoon.

Kitzbá¼hel is a very pleasant little town and we were soon sat outside a café with our coffee, Den tucking into strudel and little ole me some concoction of raspberry's, cream and a sort of blancmange! Well it tastes a lot better than it sounds! My feet were by now quite tired so I slipped my shoes off, aah! Luxury! We had a second coffee, I toyed with the idea of another slice of cake but the look Den was giving me halted that thought, spoil sport.

When we were done I couldn't face putting my footwear back on so I walked back to our transport barefoot on the baking pavements, swinging my sandals in my hand. Den just shook his head. I spotted one of the sports stores were having a sale and I emerged ten minutes later, fifty Euro's lighter and sporting some decidedly feminine looking sunglasses.

"Well, what do you think?" I asked Den

"I think that anyone thinking you are not a girl must be very mistaken!"

"Thanks, I think." I stated

"You want an ice cream?"

"We just had cake"

"So?"

"Well in that case, pistachio and strawberry"

"Women!"

We walked over to the ice cream bar and Den paid for a couple of double scoops, I got the cake earlier.

"You feeling a bit happier now?" Den enquired

"A bit I guess, but I'm sure Maureen knows and then there's Ingrid"

"You worry too much"

"It's not your neck on the line" I stated

Den opened the bus and the passengers started arriving back.

I'd noticed that one bloke, Mr Brand, was always knocking into things, just clumsy I guess and this time he managed to wipe every thing off the dashboard with his camera bag.

"Oh I'm so sorry" he apologised

"That's okay, no harm done" Den told him as he helped pick up the debris

"Didn't take you for a fan of this stuff, " he waved my book at Den, "my wife likes them but I prefer westerns."

"Oh it's not mine," Den replied, "it's Nena's"

I could see the cogs turning over.

"In English?"

"Yes, there is not so much translated into German and it helps with my English too" I hastily explained.

"Right. Yes. Excellent idea. Your English is already very good, where did you learn?"

"Mostly at school but I spend a summer, two years ago, in England as how you say, au pair"

"That explains it then" he gathered his bags again and commenced causing chaos further down the bus" both Den and I just shook our heads.

A few minutes later and the head count was done and Den pointed us back toward Seefeld.

"I hope you've all enjoyed today"

A chorus of slightly weary voices answered in the affirmative, I could hear Mr Brand loudly explaining my reading material to his wife, "she reads English books you know, to improve her English."

"Dinner should be ready when we get back to the hotel so you can go straight in to eat. Those of you going to the Silvretta tomorrow, we leave at nine o'clock again. I will come around once we get onto the autobahn if you want drinks. Otherwise sit back and relax." I finished my little announcement and as we were only just going through Brixen I settled down for a few minutes.

It was five past seven when we pulled up at the See Hotel, tired, hungry and apart from the two children on board pretty happy (children and coach travel do not go well together!)

"Ah Ingrid, we need to talk" I mentioned spotting her in reception

"Sure Nena, eat first, we can get a drink afterwards"

With that settled I joined Den in the restaurant.

Maddy Bell 17.01.04  © 2004

Hostess With The Mostest
Part 5
Maddy Bell

Truly I can't really remember my dinner. Den did his best to make light conversation; I on the other hand made poor company, barely managing the occasional grunt. Indeed the only thing I could think of was the impending 'chat' with Ingrid, it was like waiting for Mr Guillotine.

"Come on snap out of it" Den broke my thoughts

"Eh?"

"You haven't touched your ice cream" he stated flatly

"Oh sorry, Den. I'm just a bit on edge you know?"

"Look Chris I feel responsible for all this, I should have told the girls no"

"Come on Den, I went and agreed to this crazy scheme you know"

"Well I feel responsible." He stated, "do you want me to come when you meet with Ingrid?"

"Thanks for offering but I reckon I need to do this on my own"

"Well I'll only be in the bar"

It's amazing how you adapt isn't it? A few days ago I wouldn't have even dreamt that I'd be sat here like this with Den offering his 'protection'. I mean Den has equally adapted to my female persona and for the most part I don't even worry about what I'm wearing or how I look. Strange.

The pair of us moved through to the Stube and found a quiet corner to wait for Ingrid.

"Hi Nena, do you want a drink? Den?" Maria asked

"Er hi Maria, just coke for me" I told her

"Gro០bier bitte" Den requested continuing after she left to fetch our drinks, "I guess she hasn't told anyone else then"

"Yet" I added

Our drinks and Ingrid arrived together a couple of minutes later.

"Hi, are you joining us Den?"

"No I'm going to practice being a bar fly for a bit"

"Shall we go sit outside Nena" Ingrid suggested

"Okay" I stood and drink in hand followed Ingrid out into what passes as a garden hereabouts. She led me to a fairly private corner where a table and chairs awaited us. Once we were sat Ingrid started.

"Firstly Ne.. Chris I should apologise. When Julia rang and told me what was going on I expected to see a, how do you say, a man in a dress."

"In drag" I offered, just wait till I see Julia!

"Yes man in drag," she used the addition to her vocabulary. "I hadn't realised that the Nena Den introduced was you Chris, Julia said you would be namen, er called Chrissie"

Now it was my turn to do some explaining. Keeping it in English I started.

"That was the plan. When Den saw me when I arrived he came up with this stupid Nena business and some cock and bull story to tell the passengers."

"It wasn't all planned?"

"No it was a spur of the moment thing."

"Well I have to say you had me fooled and I was expecting you and everyone else believes you are really a woman"

I let out a breath I didn't realise I was holding.

"So if you knew who I was, what was last night about?"

"Sorry, I got a bit carried away. When the girls are here we usually go out so I thought that for appearances with my girlfriends you should join us"

"Camouflage"

"Yes" she agreed

I sat back in the chair and took a swig of coke.

"So why did you mention it last night, I was petrified you were going to let it slip"

"I'm not sure really" she admitted, "maybe to see your reaction?"

"Well I'm glad it's over now anyway"

"What do you mean?" Ingrid asked

"I'll get my stuff of the bus and change back to myself, I'm sure we can come up with a plausible story for the passengers"

"But why, I won't tell anyone" she told me

"It's not just you. We met some friends earlier and I'm sure one of them twigged"

"Twigged?"

"Sorry, worked it out?"

"You are sure?"

"Well she didn't say anything but she was looking at me really strangely"

"Looking how?"

"Well..." I proceeded to give Ingrid the full story of our stop at Krimml earlier in the day.

"Nena, I can't call you Chris looking as you are," she stated, "Nena, I think you got it wrong. She was just sizing you up!"

"What do you mean?"

"All women do it. Whenever we meet somebody new, especially another woman we make comparisons to see if they are, how you say, competitions?"

"Competitor's. So you think Maureen was just checking me out?"

"I'm sure of it. She see's you, young and pretty, she is jealousy!"

"So that's what all the odd looks were about!" on reflection I could see Ingrid's reasoning.

"Look, you appear like a woman, you even speak like the German fraulein, I don't know how you do it, you are so convinced?" she mentioned, "So you stay Nena?"

"I suppose so" I allowed

"Well you could not be Chris with your 'weiskopf' anyway eh?"

"Don't remind me, I'll have to cut it short when I get home I suppose"

"Come on" Ingrid bounced up, "let's go keep Den company"

"Okay" I agreed, collecting my bag and glass and following her back to the Stube.

I managed to miss Julia's call, my phone was in my bag, heck, we'll talk tomorrow.

"We have a wunderbar, sorry wondrous?"

"Wonderful" Den supplied

"Yes wonderful trip today. We go first to St Christophorus and the Arlberg Pass for a short stop. After, we go out of Tirol into Voralberg then we head for our lunch stop at the Silvretta Pass"

Well last night was a revelation ending in Ingrid lending me the ankle length cotton skirt I'm wearing this morning. After we joined Den back in the bar no mention was made at all about my gender, I 'was' Nena!

Den took us through Telfs before joining the autobahn heading west up the Inn valley. Despite several sets of roadwork's, it was still well before eleven when we passed St Anton and began the final climb up the Arlberg. I was less surprised today by the passengers reaction to me, and instead of my usual ten drinks on this leg of the trip, I cleared a round two dozen. Apart from anything else it certainly passed the time!

The Arlberg is hardly the most scenic of the passes, it lacks the scenery of the Silvretta, the tunnels of the Flexen and people using the tunnel are not missing much! We generally stop at St Christophorus rather than ever-popular St Anton, to be different. There are a few shops and café's and in the ski season there's no need for ski lifts, you are straight onto the piste from the village. It was cooler today and with the sharp breeze up here I was glad of Ingrid's skirt. After our thirty-minute break we continued over the pass, pausing briefly at the top for photos before heading down towards Switzerland.

Shortly before reaching Bludenz we turned left into Montafon to start the climb of the Silvretta Pass. Up past Gashurn the climb was pretty gradual then after Partenen the pass proper starts around over thirty often hairpin bends. We were overtaken by several motorbikes; the route is a favourite with bikers from all over Europe, just because of these bends. Even our bus's 12 cylinder Mercedes engine was complaining by the time the last numbered bend was cleared. Although some of the passengers had managed to jabber to each other all the way up, most were in awe of the amazing series of switchbacks and sheer drops. I must have been over here at least twenty times and I still find it amazing. Switzerland and royal favourite, Klosters lie just a few k's south and the brooding presence of Piz Buin and Hohesrad add to the extraordinary aura of the place.

We pulled up at the 2000 metre high coach park just about spot on one, just right for lunch!

The brooding presence of Piz Buin overlooks the top of the pass.

"Welcome everybody to The Silvretta Pass. We have here one hour and," I glanced at Den who mouthed half past at me, "er," I checked my watch, "thirty five minutes. Please to be at the bus at half past two. There are toilets and a restaurant over with the gift shop, maybe after you walk across the Staudamm, sorry the lake wall?"

"Dam" Den supplied

"Dam" I told the passengers, which caused some hilarity, that I had to pretend not to appreciate.

I stepped off the bus and did the usual exiting customer routine.

"We eating Den?"

"I'll meet you over there, I just need to finish this tacho sheet"

Suddenly I felt alone and afraid as I walked over to the little complex perched on the edge of the reservoir. The long skirt flapped about my legs, strands of blonde hair flew about my head, I was just glad that my new glasses hid my rabbit in the headlights stare. I know what you're thinking, 'he travelled hundreds of kilometres on Sunday on his own" somehow this was different. On Sunday no one knew me, here there were about thirty people who do know me, but know me as Nena. Scary! I used the ladies and met Den by the restaurant steps.

"Ready? He asked

"Definitely"

We climbed up to the roomy cafeteria and joined the food seekers. I got myself Wiener schnitzel, fries and salad, a slice of strawberry torte for dessert and a diet coke, I might be a girl this week but I'm not going to stop eating! I waited for Den then we made our way out onto the balcony. The building provided just enough shelter from the wind to make eating al-fresco comfortable.

"You okay today?" Den asked between mouthfuls of wá¼rst.

"So far, this skirt takes some getting used to, flapping about all the time"

"Hmmm" he nodded

I can't say the food was the best I've ever had but it was fresh if a little overdone. I finished eating and propping my elbows on the table sipped at my coke while checking out the view. Awesome! The 3000 plus metres of Piz Buin looks down on us as it dominates the southern skyline, the wind whipped the unfamiliar blonde hair as a sudden gust hit the veranda.

"It's so, I don't know, big up here" I mentioned

Den nodded in agreement, "could get pretty lonely" he noted

"Sometimes when I'm up here I just feel like going walkabout you know?"

"Not today though, in that skirt!" he joked

"No today I'm happy just to look at it all"

We sat and looked at the vista spread before us while we finished our drinks.

"You going back to the bus?" I asked as we cleared our plates away.

"Yeah I think I'll catch forty winks"

"I'm gonna take a short walk then"

"See you in a bit then"

We parted company and I headed along the path towards the Madlener Haus, the pass top hotel. I took a few pictures of the mountains and the lake, I've got loads but somehow every time you come they look different! I sat myself on a rock for a few minutes just taking in the view before heading back towards the little pot of human activity around the restaurant. I exchanged waves and smiles with several of our passengers as I headed to the row of coaches on the far side of the parking lot.

Letting myself onto the bus, I woke Den from his snooze in the first row of passenger seats.

"Comfy up there?"

"Not really but the curtains keep the sun off better than my blind, what's the time?"

"Don't worry, we've got fifteen minutes yet, you want a drink?"

"Please, I just fancy a cup of tea"

"Coming up captain" I saluted as I passed him on the way to the servery

Five minutes later we were both nursing mugs of tea.

"Hello, is it alright if we get on?" Mr Stubbings asked through the doorway

"Of course it is" Den replied hopping down to give them a hand on board

"Ooh that tea smells nice" Mrs Stubbings mentioned as she climbed past me

"Would you like one?" I slipped into Nena speak

"That would be nice Nena"

By the time I got to finish my own by now cold cup, I'd made about a dozen hot drinks and sold the same number of cold cans!

After the usual head count we headed down the eastern side of the pass towards ill-fated Galtá¼r. I was on a Ski'n'tour holiday based just down the valley at Ischgl with one of the other drivers when that terrible avalanche hit Galtá¼r taking so many lives with it. Like so many others we joined the rescue teams digging for survivors, a fruitless task on the whole, most being taken in their sleep. I've been back many times since but I can't shake the images of those couple of days from my mind.

There's no impressive series of bends this side of the pass, instead the gradient is fairly even, the road comparatively straight and even a ten ton coach can make good time. Down the Paznauntal to rejoin the Inntal at Landeck then a short stretch on the autobahn to reach our afternoon stop at Imst. With less than an hour's drive back to Seefeld, Den suggested we have a longer than scheduled stop, an hour and a quarter instead of an hour.

So far on this tour, we hadn't really had a 'proper' shopping opportunity for our 'guests' so Imst with its mix of normal shops, café's and souvenir emporiums would fill the gap nicely. I'm not usually one for the shops, and doing these tours regularly the tourist bit gets a bit weak too but being Nena has brought new demands, restocking of toiletries and on Ingrid's advice, the need for more clothing!

Den joined me as I headed down to the bottom of the 'shopping zone'.

"Chris, take this" Den palmed me something as we walked

"What's this for?" I asked opening my hand to reveal a couple of fifty Euro notes.

"Look I know it's cost you a fair bit already this week, think of that as my contribution"

"Den you don't need to" I tried to give the money back to him.

"Keep it please, I still feel a bit responsible for all this, it would ease my conscience"

"Well I'll admit it won't go amiss, but the drinks are on me tonight!"

"Okay miss bossy boots" he mocked dodging a decidedly girly swipe from me.

We found a Drogerie where I was able to get most of what I needed, cotton wool, face cream and much to Den's amusement a new lipstick! Well he was paying for it. Being that time of day again, we found a bakery that doubled as a coffee shop to indulge my desire for cake - again! Two Cappuccino's and a slice of lemon torte later we started back up the main street.

"What are you looking for?" Den asked

"Ingrid reckons I should get, what did she call it now, oh yeah a 'schwarze kleine Kleid'"

"A black what?"

"Erm, a little black dress"

"You serious?"

"I said I'd look if I got a chance, okay?"

"Sorry Chr.. Nena" Den corrected himself just in time as we passed a couple of our passengers.

We walked along in a slightly uneasy silence for a short way before Den pointed over the road.

"There's a boutique place over there if you want to look"

"I guess"

Not being exactly into women's fashion, 'Orsay' over the door meant nothing to me. I'll give him due; Den joined me inside as I made my way around the racks.

"That's quite nice" he motioned to a dress that was more holes than fabric. I just gave him a look.

"Okay, p'rhaps it's not quite you"

"Ich kann hilfe?"

I switched into full German mode.

"I'm looking for a dress" I replied to the young woman who had addressed me

"Party? Work?" she gave a questioning half shrug

"Fairly formal, dinner that sort of thing" I offered

"I think we have something for you over here, come" she instructed

I, with Den trailing, followed her to a side rail.

"Ellie? Can you give me a hand?" a disembodied voice called out

"Are you okay?" she asked

"Er yes thanks"

"I won't be long" Ellie advised

"I wish I had your gift of the gab" Den stated

"That's why you drive and I guide, what do you reckon to these?" I said pulling a couple of frocks off the rail.

"The blue one's nice but I prefer the red one"

"I wish I was looking for trousers" I mentioned to no one in particular, "I guess I'd best see what they look like at least."

"Hey don't look at me in that tone of voice!" Den mentioned

Seeing Ellie down at the cash desk I went for broke.

"Kann ich dieses Kleid anprobieren?"

"Ja kabine drei" she called back

"I'll wait outside" Den told me

"Oh no you don't, I need you help here"

I took the dresses into the cubicle and slipped out of the top and skirt. I couldn't work out how to put the red dress on so I tried the blue one first. After Sunday I had the sizing cracked so that wasn't a problem, doing up the rear zip was but finally I had it on. Weird! In my worst nightmares I never envisioned wearing a dress and here I was in a shop trying one on. My heart was going nineteen to the dozen.

"You okay in there?" Den enquired

"Just a minute" I straightened the skirt and made my entrance, exit, whatever.

"You look all woman in that"

"Yeah but how does it look?"

"Fine to me"

"I'll try the red one then"

Back in the changing room I quickly got out of the first dress then after discovering the side zip I got into the red frock, I prefer side zips, you can reach them easier! This one felt a lot better and was a couple of inches longer.

"Wow that really looks good on you" Den commented

"It fits better than the blue one"

"If you're gonna get one my votes with that one"

I did the changing bit again, back into the skirt and top.

"I don't know, what do you reckon?"

"Just get it, you can always give it to one of the girls. What size shoes do you take?"

"Six, why?"

"You'll need some shoes, that's 38 yeah?"

"About"

"What about these?" Den pointed to a pair of pointy-toed things that on another woman (?) I would find quite sexy.

"Go on then, in for a penny"

There was only one pair on the display so I caught Ellie's eye

"Okay?" she asked coming over

"Ja, haben sie Grá¶áŸe acht und dreizig bitte?"

"Moment bitte"

"You gonna get them then?" Den asked

"I guess so, it'll keep Ingrid quiet and like you said, I can give them to the girls."

"Damn! Is that the time?"

"Bugger, I didn't realise we'd been in here that long"

"You finish up here, I'll pick you up outside the church, you know where the bus stops are?"

"Okay, see you in a few, teuss"

Den quickly left the shop and disappeared. All the passengers would be waiting at the bus, what a mess!

Ellie returned with the shoes by which time I had my sandals off ready

"Here you are, thirty eight, I brought a size either side as well."

"Thanks"

"Will you be wearing hose? They are for the dress?"

"Yes to go with the dress"

"Hose then, hang on" and she was off again returning with a packet of 'fu០hose'. "Put these on first."

Five minutes later I knew that with tights on my new size thirty seven stiletto's fit a dream and that I'd just spent thirty Euro's on shoes and forty three on a dress that I never intend wearing! I hurried up to the church and actually had to wait for Den to come round with the bus.

Once on board I felt I needed to apologise

"Sorry everyone, I was trying on a dress" cringe! I waved my Orsay bag to emphasise the statement.

"I hope we're gonna see you in it?" one wag called out

"Perhaps, if you are well behaved" I countered, which caused a few chuckles

Once we were clear of the town I whispered to Den.

"Were they okay?"

"Fine, they were all sat on a wall eating ice cream, I take it you got them both then?"

"I can't believe I just spent another seventy odd Euro's"

I did my usual coach walk, making sure that everyone had a good time and in seemingly no time at all we were climbing the hill up to Má¶sern and thence Seefeld.

"Good day?" Ingrid asked when I collapsed into the seat opposite her.

"Yeah, it was a bit cooler today thankfully"

"And shopping I see?"

"I got a dress like you said, I don't know why, it's a waste of seventy Euro's"

"How much?"

"Well the dress was forty three but I had to get shoes as well, nothing I've got would look right"

"Lets see then" she enthused

"I'll see you girls later" Den mentioned as he went through

"Okay" we chimed which resulted in a fit of giggles.

I did the show and tell with my new outfit.

"You little flirt Nena" Ingrid mentioned

"Am not"

"Bagsy the shoes when your done with them" she demanded

I rolled my eyes as I left her to go change.

Maddy Bell 05.02.04  © 2004

Hostess With The Mostest
Part 6
Maddy Bell

"I've got a bone to pick with you!" I told Julia when she called thirty minutes later.

"What have I done?"

"Don't come the innocent with me, you spoke to Ingrid on Sunday before I got here"

"Oh that"

"Yes 'oh that'" I stated

"Sorry Chris, I just thought she ought to know"

"Well it was a bit of a surprise when she told me" my mind wandered back to my arrival,

'"Ingrid, it seems there has been a change of plan and Chris bottled out" what was Den up to?

"Such a shame Den, I was sure we'd have some fun"

I was obviously not paying attention on Sunday.

"Anyway what's up girlfriend?" Julia chirped

"How long have you got?"

"That much huh?"

"That much. Lets see now." I started to tell her all about the last couple of days.

"...and so I ended up buying them."

"I think you're enjoying this" Julia chuckled

"Well I admit it's not as bad as I thought, the skirts and stuff take some getting used to but it's not so bad."

"What about the punters? They are the reason for all this" she mentioned

"It's been a while since I've had a coach load that are this friendly, it looks like you might be right."

"Maybe" she allowed, "what are you doing tomorrow?"

"Tratzberg and the glass place"

"They'll enjoy that"

"Yeah it's a good trip, not much for me and Den to do either. What about you?"

"Verona"

"Romeo, Romeo where for art thou, Romeo" I mocked down the phone

"You may mock, your time will come"

"I think it already has"

I hadn't been idle while we talked, I was just about dressed, the black skirt and a dark red top, I decided to wear the new shoes but they'd have to wait until we finished on the phone, there is no way to put on tights with one hand!

"I'll give you a call tomorrow then, you off gallivanting tonight?"

"Maybe, Ingrid did mention something but I wasn't really listening"

"Well take care Chris, g'night"

"Night Julia"

I finished dressing and did the makeup thing. It felt weird putting on the new lipstick that I'd bought, like a step too far somehow. Be-hosed and shod in my new shoes I made my way down to meet Den for dinner. I hadn't bargained on the change to my walk the higher heels would require, shorter steps and more deliberate toe-heel placement, oh and I could feel a distinct wiggle of my posterior too!

"There you are" Den stated

"Yes here I am" I agreed

"Ingrid said you two were off out tonight?"

"She was rattling about something earlier"

"I reckon you're enjoying all this"

"Julia just said the same thing"

"Well are we right then?"

"Not how you mean, oh I don't know. I suppose enjoy is the wrong word, it's more like, well I feel more relaxed today."

"Well you certainly seemed happy enough earlier in that dress shop"

"It's strange really Den," I checked to make sure no one could overhear us, "if I get dragged into a dress shop as Chris I get all uncomfortable, I feel like all the women are looking at me, sort of like I'm trespassing."

"I can go with that" Den agreed, "I felt like that today"

"I think it's because they're uncomfortable with you being there too. But they expect women and act accordingly, you know?"

"And looking like you do all they see is woman and that makes them relaxed which makes you relax!"

"That's about it! Not that I was that relaxed, especially in that changing cubicle"

"Well I have to admit you've got bottle" he stated

"I'll take that as a compliment. Are we eating? It's gnocchi tonight"

We checked on the passengers before going for our own food, that was a mistake, I couldn't get away for fifteen minutes and I was starving! The gnocchi was excellent in a gorgeous cheese sauce, just as well, dessert was a let down, berry jelly with single cream. We retired to the Stube but before we could get a drink ordered Ingrid came through.

"You ready then Nena?"

"Ready?"

"The party? I told you earlier"

"Oh yeah"

"You don't mind me stealing her again do you Den?"

"Far be it for me to disrupt your social life! I'll keep the passengers company"

"Come on then, we'll take my car" she advised.

If she was driving, at least we won't be drinking too much, I hoped. After giving Den a resigned look I followed Ingrid out into the car park and over to her car.

"New car Ingrid?" I admired the little yellow and silver Smart.

"My mother said she would get me a new car for my birthday. 'What do you want?' she says" Ingrid slipped into her native tongue as she opened the door. "'Ich má¶chte eine klein Auto erst' I said to her, she wanted to buy me a Sharan. What would I do with one of those? So she turns up with this."

"It's a nice car Ingrid"

"Especially for free!" she chuckled as we belted up.

"Where are we going?" I asked

"I didn't think you were listening earlier. To my sisters house, just down in Scharnitz"

"Your sister?"

"Why? What's wrong?"

"Er nothing. Does, er did you?"

"Of course not, I just said I was bringing a girlfriend over"

We rumbled over the railway lines and the little car soon had us heading north towards the German border. It's only about ten kilometres so it wasn't long before Ingrid turned us into a side road and in a matter of metres into a driveway.

"I'm not sure about this" I mentioned

"Oh come on, Anja won't bite"

I climbed out of the car and waited for Ingrid to lock up.

"Come on" she directed, leading the way up the steps to the front door.

'Ding Dong!'

I could hear voices inside then the hall light came on.

"Ingrid!" a woman a bit older and heavier than my friend gave her a hug

"Hi anja, this is Nena. Nena meet my big sister Anja"

"Less of the big, squirt! Oh hello Nena, Ingrid said she was bringing someone."

"Er hi" I managed

"Come, come" Anja motioned us inside, "go through to the kitchen Ingrid"

I followed Ingrid who immediately went to put the kettle on. Anja didn't follow straight away; I heard her go into another room and the voices murmured for a moment before she came through to join us.

"Johann says hi, he's glued to the football"

"Who's playing?" Ingrid asked

"Má¼nchen and Ká¶ln I think, have a seat Nena"

The conversation was to me a bloke, bizarre! Anja served up coffee and strá¼del, well you know I'm a sucker for cake! I don't know how the conversation got there, I didn't follow all of it but there it was! The two sisters were discussing boob size!

"You ever fancied a boob job Nena?" Anja asked

"Er, I can't say that I've really given it any thought"

"My Johann, he's a big tit man." She stated, "he kept saying 'anja I will buy you big breasts', I told him back, 'no you want to buy you big titties'" Ingrid burst into laughter, I couldn't help a smirk my self. Anja went on,

"So one day up in Má¼nchen I saw these enhancers in the Karstadt so I thought I would have some fun. When I got home, I put them in my BH and waited for Johann to get home. Hey I looked impressive!" she imitated holding two huge breasts in front of her, "well Johann, he was in heaven, he never mentioned it again but every once in a while I give him the treat eh!" she winked.

"Could we borrow them?" Ingrid asked her sister

"I suppose so, what are you cooking up sis?"

"Well, Nena is a little small? Sorry Nena but it's true, we could do the same thing with Den, her fahrer"

"I'm not sure that's a good idea" I mentioned

"Oh come on Nena, live a little" Ingrid cajoled

That's how I ended up in Anja's bathroom with Ingrid arranging my wares! I have to admit, when she'd done I looked a darn site more woman. I'm not sure what Ingrid did but my Kleenex boobs were replaced by Anja's breast forms and with a bit of tugging at my chest my bra was supporting a veritable 'chest of delights'!

"Oh Nena, you look brilliant" Anja stated

"I feel daft"

"Well you don't look daft" Ingrid told me

"You must do it Nena, Ingrid you tell me what happens eh?" Anja enthused

"I can't wait!" Ingrid enthused

It seemed daft to take them out to go back to the hotel so I wore my 'new' breasts the rest of the evening. It was a little after eleven when we bade goodbye to Anja, Johann managed a muffled 'teuss' from the living room and we set off back towards Seefeld. With the seat belt on my 'improved' chest really stood out, I was glad that there was no one to see me.

Den wasn't in the Stube when we got back so I went straight up to my room promising to find Ingrid before going into breakfast. What a strange day! It's a dead cert. that Chris's day would have been somewhat different, certainly no dress shopping and I can't see Ingrid taking Chris round to her sisters for a natter!

"In the office" Ingrid hissed when she spotted me.

"I don't know what you did last night but I can't get these things to look very good at all" I moaned, "can't we just forget it?"

"No way! Pop your top off and I'll sort it out"

Five minutes later chesty Nena emerged just in time to catch the Stubbings going into breakfast.

"Morning Nena" Mr Stubbings greeted me

"Morning" I replied

"New bra eh?" Mrs Stubbings whispered

"Er yes" god it's that obvious! How did I get talked into this? Looking at my reflection in the window glass I could see that Ingrid had somehow given me not just a bigger bust line but cleavage too.

"Here he comes" Ingrid hissed at me

"Morning you two" Den mentioned, "have a nice evening?"

"Yes we went to my sister's in Scharnitz" Ingrid told him.

Den had obviously spotted my enhanced assets; his eyes kept finding my boobs.

"Do you like them?" I asked

"Eh?" Den brought his attention upwards

"Do you like my breasts?"

"I, er, what are you two up to?"

"We thought you'd like them" Ingrid stated

"What have you done?" he enquired

"We've just helped nature a bit" she answered

"Come on let's get breakfast, then I'll lose these before we go out"

"Er okay" Den agreed

Things of course never go as planned; there was some confusion over our departure time so I didn't have time to do anything with my chest.

"Good morning everyone" I started as we pulled onto the road, a chorus of happy 'mornings' returned.

"Sorry about the mix up this morning. Today we are going first to the glass town of Rattenburg then this afternoon we will visit the Castle Tratzberg."

I waited until we were past the steepest bit of the descent before I started my walk up the bus, although the women treated me much the same as they had done previously. It was the men who treated me differently, well lets put it another way, they were paying attention. Bum I'm stuck like this for the day, I realised.

We picked up the autobahn and once again passed Innsbruck. Today our passengers were due some added 'extras' and the first one came up just ten minutes after leaving the Tirol's capital behind. Den pulled off the motorway into the rest area at Volders.

"We're running a bit early (intentionally!) So we thought you might enjoy a stop here. Just through the trees is the Karlskirche, which we think you will enjoy. Please be careful as you cross the roadway. We have here thirty minutes." Everyone piled off and I took the opportunity to sit for a minute.

"Looks like another hot one" Den mentioned

"Yeah, I'm glad I put on a shorter skirt today, that long one was okay yesterday but in the heat." I left the comment unfinished. "Cuppa?"

"Please"

I made our drinks, determined to get it hot this morning!

"So what's the story with you know?" Den comically did the handful of breast's mime.

"It's a long story, Anja, Ingrid's sister, told us about buying these enhancer things and Ingrid thought it would be fun to see your reaction."

"And was it?" he asked

"Embarrassing really and all the male passengers have been looking at my chest rather than my face this morning."

"I guess we do it subconsciously" Den agreed

"Yeah well" I mumbled

I suppose I'd better tell you why we had stopped at a random roadside church. Well apart from being easily accessible it is exquisitely decorated with frescoes and statuary. It is actually the church of the nearby monastery and even if you are not a churchy person like me, you can't help but be impressed by the ceilings and other decorations. The interior maybe a bit gaudy maybe, but the exterior is much simpler.

"Very nice" Mr Stubbings mentioned looking at my chest which earnt him a slap from his missus.

"Not my taste but very pretty" Mrs Stubbings added

The rest of the passengers made their way back via the lav's; there was nowhere to lose anyone so after a quick head count we rejoined the autobahn. We left the motorway at Wattens and used the old road along through Schwaz, another timing exercise! I used this leg to do a drinks round and had barely finished when we arrived in Rattenberg a bit after eleven.

"We are here until one thirty, I suggest you get some lunch while we are here, there are plenty of, restaurant? yes restaurant und café. The Glasswerke Museum is at the end of the parkplatz and there is a Gallery at the other end of the town"

Once the punters were away I started organising myself.

Den shook his head.

"Come back Chris, all is forgiven!"

"What're you on about?"

"It's taking you as long as the girls do to get ready"

I pouted back.

Having a bit more choice of footwear, I'd elected to wear my slingbacks this morning, they're comfortable, won't leave strappy tan lines and I, er sort of quite like them. We took a slow stroll down through the pedestrianised main street down to our preferred bar cum restaurant. The Tagesmená¼ is usually a good bet here, two courses for just eight and a half Euro's. Today it was gulash soup followed by roast beef, mash and red cabbage, maybe not Michelin three star but good enough for us! We took our time eating, then sipping cold drinks, sat out in the street watching the world go by.

We finally started back to the bus, picking up ice cream on the way. In all the time I've been working as a host I've never had a group of passengers where they are all punctual. There's always one or two who are always late, you learn to compensate in your timings but it's damn annoying. I'm not saying it was because I'm 'a girl' this week but this lot have not been late once! I'm not complaining, if tardiness annoys me, it annoys the other passengers too, which has a knock on effect. On that note everyone was back at the coach before one thirty.

Its not far back along to the castle so in little more than thirty minutes we were parking at the foot of the mountainside on which Tratzberg sits.

"Your attention please" I started, waiting for some quiet before continuing, "we are booked in for our visit so please keep together. If you make your way up the slope and through the gates, the train will fetch us? Take us up to the castle."

They all left the bus and started up the roadway, Den and I followed shortly after and joined them just as the little diesel tourist train, the Tratzberg Express, pulled around to pick us up. After a quick check that everyone was still with us I got on board myself for the ten minute drive up through the woods to the seat of the Enzenberg family. Anyone expecting a 'traditional' castle with moats and towers would be disappointed here, Tratzberg is more of a fortified stately home.

Being in charge of our party, I went straight into the shop cum ticket office.

"Gá¼ten abend, I have the Global party, we have a booking"

The assistant checked her diary to confirm the booking.

"Ah yes, you have how many persons?"

"Twenty five plus myself and the chauffeur"

I paid for the visit and was about to return to my charges when the other woman in the shop came over to me.

"Excuse me fraulein could I have a word, you speak German?"

"Er yes of course"

Swapping into German she called to her colleague, "Maria, can you sort them out with the commentary"

"Okay"

"I'm Katrin Enzenberg"

"The Grá¤fin?" I asked

"Yes but we don't stand on ceremony here, just call me Katrin. Well anyway er?"

"Nena Ziegler" I offered

"Welcome Nena, well I was wondering if you could help us out?"

"If I can" I offered

The Grá¤fin went on, "you have been here before?" I nodded, then she continued, "you know we have staff explaining some of the rooms?"

"Yes"

"Well Susannah has been taken ill this morning, do you think you could stand in for us, just for your groups tour?"

"I er, I don't know the information"

"Don't worry about that we use a little earpiece and tape to remind us, no one remembers everything!" Katrin explained

Then it occurred to me.

"You want me to wear a costume?" oh boy, this is turning into a nightmare!

"If you will do it, you will fit in Susannah's dress with a little bit of luck."

I was sort of backed into a corner, what excuse could I use?

"You know you want to Nena" the countess cajoled

That couldn't be further from the truth but not seeing a way out I nodded my agreement.

"Wunderbar, lets go get you changed"

"I just need to tell the driver I'll not be joining them"

"Okay"

I went back out to where the passengers and Den were waiting; now equipped with the audio systems.

"Hello everyone" I called, "your tour will begin in about five minutes, something has come up so I won't be joining you, I'll see you afterwards." There was a bit of mumbling and Den came over.

"What's up?"

"Nothing really, I've been asked to help with something that's all, you'll find out later"

"Okay then"

"I've been around before Den" I mentioned

"Well I guess we'll see you later then"

"Yeah" sooner than you think!

Katrin was waiting for me and she was soon leading me up to the next level where the offices and stuff reside.

"Thank you so much for this, Nena, I'm sure you'll enjoy yourself, ah here we are" she led the way into a small room that was obviously used as a changing room.

"Here we are" she took a hanger down from a rail and relocated it on a more convenient hook. "Can you manage the dress, it has a long zip" she confided

"I er think so" I answered looking at the voluminous velvet and silk garment.

"Okay then, I'll be back in a few minutes to do your hair. Thanks again Nena" with that she left me alone.

Oh boy, what a mess! I did a quick survey of the costume; it came complete with all the necessary underpinnings so with heavy heart I stripped down to my underwear. Thankfully the corset thing laced at the front and it seems that the absent Susannah is a little 'thicker' in the waist than I am as it closed easily. However there was no way the dress would close without it, for once I was thankful that I'm pretty slim! The stockings were thick white cotton and used a sort of drawcord around the top so that was easy, now it was time for the dress! I was still struggling with the zip when Katrin returned.

"Here let me" she quickly pulled the zip up then closed the buttons over it, I thought they were just decoration. She fussed with the heavy frock for a bit then satisfied bade me sit. Ten minutes later I was ready for my first and only performance as Anna Ilsung of Tratzberg, wife of Jakob Fugger, late sixteenth century incumbents of the castle.

Sheesh this lot's heavy, it's a good job the castle remains pretty cool, in this heat and costume, well I didn't want to go there. As I followed the Grá¤fin around to the public rooms, the new sensations of the heavy garments, restrictive underwear and just as strange, the heavy pendant earrings that Katrin had clipped to each lobe. I could hear the tour approaching a couple of rooms away. Was I nervous!

"Thanks again Nena, you look brilliant" she patted my arm as I tried to remember what I was supposed to do. I had two rooms to explain, the Ladies Parlour and the Queens Room following on from the famous painted walls of the Hapsburg Hall.

Photo of Ladies Parlour  © Tratzberg Castle

The door opened and the tour party filed into the bedchamber.

"Welcome, welcome. My name is Anna Ilsung von Tratzberg"

I'm sure one or two had recognised me already but my opening statement alerted the less observant.

"It's Nena off the coach"

"So that's where she went"

Well you get the gist. I spotted Den who's jaw was on the floor, I gave him a quick look of resignation before going on with my presentation. I quickly had their attention and I think I got most of it in. through into the second room and part two went pretty well too although I was thankful for the earpiece and even more thankful when ten minutes later it was over.

"You're a natural, Nena. I was listening from next door." Katrin advised a moment later, "if you ever want a job let me know."

"I think I'll stick to what I'm doing thanks"

"Well if you change your mind" she offered, "lets get you changed"

To avoid the tour party we had to take the long way round, boy was I finding out that wearing this stuff is not easy. Here I am, Chris Hornby, tour host, tripping through a Tirolean castle holding my skirts up so I don't trip following a countess! At least it'll be something to tell the grand children! We had to go through the shop, a French party were totally gobsmacked as we passed through, you could hear their comments and the Grá¤fin obviously did too.

"Er Nena" she started once we were out of the public area, "I don't suppose you'd do me a huge favour. I know you are working but if I can square it would you do the rest of the afternoon tours? I'll pay you."

"I'm not sure, er the driver, Dennis, he has the final say" I hedged praying that he would get me out of this fix.

"Get yourself a coffee, I'll go find your driver" Katrin suggested.

She was gone about ten minutes; it's not like I could start undressing with all those buttons over the zip.

"He has agreed, you can stay the afternoon, I will get someone to drive you back to Seefeld later, you have a Heimat evening, yes"

"Yes, nine o'clock after dinner" I agreed, feeling let down by Den and probably more frightened of discovery than at anytime since this whole charade started.

"Well we'll have you back well before then. Thank you so much Nena" she mentioned, giving me a quick hug.

Come six o'clock when the last visitors had departed I joined the rest of the staff for a, by now, well earnt coffee. Despite what I was wearing, my improved bosom and the heat of the day by the time the last group went through I was sort of enjoying myself.

"Lets get you changed, then we can join the others for dinner before getting you back to your passengers eh!" Katrin suggested

"Thank you, I've enjoyed it today"

"Well that offer's still there!"

Maria came with me to the changing room and helped me out of the dress.

"Are you okay with the rest?" she asked

"Yes thanks Maria, er where are my clothes?"

"I'll go ask Katrin where she put them" Maria offered

"Thanks"

A couple of minutes later Katrin came in

"Oh sorry Nena, you put them with your bag?" I nodded, "in that instance your driver took them. Don't worry, I'll find something for you to wear"

I sat and cursed Dennis while I waited.

"Here we go," Katrin mentioned a few minutes later.

Well it wasn't what I would have picked given the choice; there again I would have picked jeans and a t-shirt. Ever felt overdressed? As I joined the castle staff for dinner I was wearing the twenty first-century variant of Tirolean costume. A full, ankle length skirt in russet silk wasn't too bad, the plunging square necked blouse that accentuated my bust, was almost too much but somehow all you could see was me.

After a fairly simple meal, Maria was volunteered to drive me back to Seefeld.

"Thanks Nena, here's your pay"

"Thanks Katrin"

"And don't worry about what you're wearing, hang onto them, you've been a star today, Susannah had best watch out!"

Maria tooted the Mercedes' horn, so I left the Grá¤fin and joined Maria in the car.

"Teuss!"

"Bye!"

Maddy Bell 08.02.04  © 2004

Hostess With The Mostest - Part 7
Maddy Bell

Maria slipped the car into gear and we started the drive down through the woods to the road, Stans and then the autobahn.

"Did you enjoy today Nena? The Grá¤fin couldn't get over how good you were"

"Er it was okay, I'm not sure I'd want to do it full time though"

"Yeah I guess wearing those costumes all the time could get a bit much. Mama wanted me to do it last year but I escaped to Griechenland for the summer"

Then it clicked, big car, same features, job last summer.

"Your mother is the Grá¤fin?"

"Of course, did you not realise?"

"Sorry I thought you were one of the staff"

"I am silly, I might be family but I still need to have a job. I suppose you get a lot of variety doing what you do, did you go to college to train?"

"Yes I went to Nottingham, I got a degree in travel management" I proudly told her then realised my mistake.

"Nottyham?"

"Sorry, yes it is in England," I thought quickly, "I was on an exchange programme"

"Ah! Myself I was at Innsbruck University, I have the degree in Archaeology"

"Not much need of that at the castle" I mentioned

Maria paused as she checked the mirrors before putting us into the fast lane and accelerating.

"No and yes. Mostly I work in the shop but also I do other work on the estate, we are excavating at the old monastery up the mountain, the Grá¤fin is keen to have more 'attractions'!"

I glanced at the speedo and wished that I hadn't. You get used to trundling around at a hundred kph; we were doing nearly twice that! Maria looked like she was driving on a country road with not a care in the world. Of course at that speed we were soon past Innsbruck.

"You are German no?"

"Yes from near Trier, on the Mosel?" I decided to stick with Den's cover story.

"Ah yes, the Porta Nigra," she stated, "so how come you work with the English?"

Shit what can I tell her? Does she smell a rat? Best go with Den I guess.

"One of the regular courier's was taken ill, a friend from the university suggested that I could fill in" it was close enough without digging too great a hole!

"Not many nudists this time of night" she mentioned apparently randomly

"Eh?"

"Down at the river, not many nature lovers"

"You mean naked?"

"Of course, in the summer there are often many on the beaches at the river. Oops nearly missed the exit!"

In a wild manoeuvre the Mercedes went direct from outside lane to slip road in about fifty metres, Maria let the slight incline scrub the speed some before we started the climb up the Zirlerberg towards Seefeld. My heart was in my throat.

"You okay Nena? You seem a little quiet"

"Just a bit tired" terrified really!

The big car made short work of the steep climb and within another five minutes I was directing Maria to the See Hotel in Seefeld.

"You've been to the moor?" she asked as we passed the lake.

"Moor?"

"Yes at the bottom of the lake just back there. It is one of the largest in Europe"

"You mean like peat bog, heather that sort of moor?"

"Of course"

"It can't be very big" I mentioned thinking of the miles of moorland in my native Yorkshire alone!

"Several hectares! It is protected since fifty years" she proudly extolled.

"Here's the hotel. Do you want to get a drink?" I offered

"Thanks, but I'm meeting some friends at the University, that's why I got the job of bringing you back"

She pulled the car up by reception and took me by surprise by leaning over and giving me a light peck on the cheek.

"Teuss," she added gaily, "maybe we see you at Tratzberg again eh?"

"Er yes, thanks for the ride" I mentioned as I got out of the car.

"No problem, bye!"

She waved as she pulled back out of the hotel car park and with a toot of the horn she accelerated away with me giving a final wave.

I made my way into reception, having to lift the hem of my skirt for the steps.

"Hello can I help you?" it was Ingrid

As I turned she gasped.

"Ah! Nena I didn't recognise you" she exclaimed

"Well they're only different clothes"

"And hair" she mentioned.

My hand went up in a reflex action. Of course Katrin, the Grá¤fin, had put my hair into a 'medieval' style with plaits pinned up like bretzels.

"I'd forgotten about that. I'd best get changed for the Heimat do"

"You dare! You look absolutely fabulous, maybe a bit more makeup" she told me, "who was in the Mercedes?"

"Maria Enzenberg from the castle"

"You mean the Maria Enzenberg? The telly presenter?"

"I think you've got the wrong girl, she works at the castle and she's the daughter of the owners"

"That's the one! When you decide to mingle you mingle well Nena!"

"What do you mean?"

"That young woman is just about the most eligible woman in Austria, the Enzenberg's are very well connected in society, sort of royalty."

"Oh boy! I need a drink!"

An English voice broke the short silence.

"Chris?" it was Den

"Give over Den, Nena remember?" I dropped back into my mother tongue," look sorry about this afternoon I got railroaded and you didn't help"

"What did I do? That Katrin woman came and said that you'd offered to fill in for the rest of the afternoon did I mind"

"Why that..." I started

"Scheming bitch" Ingrid offered

"You mean?" Den queried

"Yep! She told you I wanted to stay, then tells me that you said okay"

"Well I did, but only because, " he got it then, "I thought that you wanted to. The scheming..."

"Bitch" Ingrid helpfully added

"And what about my bag and stuff and why did you bring my clothes instead of leaving them?"

"That woman just came out with it all in a bag, said it might be safer if I brought your stuff with me, you mean your clothes are in there too?"

"Why else do you think I'm doing a Julie Andrews here?"

"Right" he nodded

"Hey you two less arguing, you have a Heimat to get to" Ingrid mentioned

Ever been to one? Folk evening? Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure a lot of people have a really good time. Me I hate 'em and in Germany, Austria and Switzerland they are all pretty similar! Beer drinking, horn blowing, some yodelling, folksy dancing, a bit of audience participation and don't forget the clappy, slappy business! The biggest differences are the costumes.

Here in Seefeld, weather permitting there's a performance every Thursday in the little auditorium in the park just back of the shops. In bad weather it moves into a nearby hotel ballroom. It being a pleasant evening we herded most of our passengers to the park for the free performance. (They do pass the hat later!) I got a lot of compliments on my outfit; I hadn't the heart to mention that it was hardly my choice.

Once we had them installed I was all for retiring to the bar but Den thought he'd watch the performance so I sat off to one side with him nursing a glass of wine prepared to be bored to death for the next hour or so. I guess if you've not seen it before it's good entertainment, the compere even did a fair translation into English! I knew the pattern and after three-quarters of an hour it was time for audience participation. First the players demonstrated the local dance set piece then they grab people in the cheap seats to participate.

"Fraulein? Tanzengehen?" my idle musing was broken

"Er" I looked for support from Den but one of the women was dragging him onto the stage already. The guy in front of me took my hand and led me to join the others

In German he asked, "you know this dance miss?"

"Afraid not, disco" I mimed a little hip swivel much to everyone's amusement, I just turned beet red!

"No worry" he said through a chuckle, "just follow me"

The band struck up and the singers started the accompanying song and Nena's first and hopefully last folk dance was off. It wasn't complicated like I remember from junior school; mostly it was shuffling about and slow waltzing. After a minute or two I was actually enjoying myself, even getting enthusiastic and didn't notice that after each reel one couple dropped out. Didn't notice that is until it was just me and Hans being clapped around the stage. The music ended and the audience broke out into rapturous applause. Embarrassed beyond belief I joined the group curtain call then joined everyone returning to their seats, more than a little flushed.

"Enjoy that?" Den panted

"I guess so," I admitted

The Heimat group moved into the last section of the performance and a little after ten the alpine horns signalled the end of the entertainment.

"You want to go for a drink?" Den offered

"Just a quickie, I'm knackered" I confided as we headed out of the park, " it's been quite some day" that, as they say, was a bit of an understatement!

"The hotel okay?" Den asked

"That'll do me. So the rest of the trip was okay? You stopped in Innsbruck?"

"Yeah, I walked them round to the Golden Roof, you know how many manage to miss it!"

I chuckled to myself. Just about every trip there's at least one.

'Where was the Golden Roof then?'

'You went to the square with the café's?"'

'Yes'

'Well it faces up into the town at this end'

'We didn't see anything'

Well I suppose 'golden porch' might be more accurate, everyone is looking for this spectacular big yellow roof but its really quite small and halfway up a wall!

"I gave them an hour, we were back at five thirty. How did you get on?"

"She offered me a job!" I stated, "the scheming..."

"Yeah bitch, you already said"

"Yeah well. Mind you she did pay me"

"How much?"

"No idea I didn't ask and I haven't looked, I'll check when we get back"

Well we were back. With nearly all of our passengers up in the town, the Stube was pretty quiet and we settled into a quiet corner. I recovered the envelope from my rucksack and pulled it open.

"How much then?" Den enquired

"Looks like one hundred Euro's, there's a note too," I said opening the folded paper. I read aloud translating direct from the German.

'Dear Nena,
Thank you so much for helping today, you helped make a lot of people's visit to Tratzberg Castle very enjoyable. I was serious about the job, if you want to take me up on it my private number is above. As promised I enclose pay for the afternoon plus a bit extra for being such a sport.

Teuss
Karin Enzenberg (Grá¤fin)’

"She was serious then" Den mentioned

"Who was serious?" Ingrid asked joining us

"The Countess, she's offered twinkle toes here a job"

"Twinkle toes?"

"Later" I told her

"What job?"

"Doing what I did today, tour guide cum actor"

"Don't you mean actress" Den put in

"Whatever"

I stifled a yawn

"I'm ready for bed"

Just then I heard my mobile go off. I dug it out and answered

"Chris Hornby"

"That you Nena?"

"Oh hi Julia, what's up?"

"Just checking on my protégé. How did the Heimat go?"

"Ask her about the castle" Den shouted over

"What about the castle Chris?" Julia asked

"Well you remember...." I repeated today's events for her over another couple of drinks and barracking from Den and Ingrid.

"So she's a what did you call it?"

"Grá¤fin. Like a sort of countess, yeah" I replied

I could tell she was shaking her head at the other end of the line.

"I'd best got off this phone I suppose" she finished, "say goodnight to everyone for me"

"Yeah 'night Julia"

My companions chorused their own 'night Julia' at the phone before I closed the connection.

"I really did ought to get to bed now"

"Yeah me too" Den agreed.

I awoke with a bit of a start. By heck that was some dream! I checked the clock, urgh! Six o'clock! Ah well I'll never get back to sleep again now, might as well get myself ready! 'Well I've done it' I mused to myself, 'a whole week just about, some week huh?'. I decided to wear the skort again today, the weather forecast reckoned low thirties and they'd been pretty accurate so far this week. It was still only seven when I finished doing my makeup so I decided to go for a walk. I slipped my Global fleece on and the flat sandals, grabbed my bag and headed out.

With a good hour to kill I decided to have a walk around the Wildsee, the lake that the town takes its name from. There was a slight mist over the water as I walked along the shore towards the solarium and pool, the cool morning air sending goose bumps up my bare legs. Despite my fairly regular visits to the place I've never walked all the way round and I was a bit surprised when the path took me into what I guess was the 'moor' that Maria was enthusing about.

A bit further on a second path headed across what I would describe as scrubland; it was going my way so I followed it. Maria was right, I could see just about the full extent of the reserve from the middle I guessed at maybe a square kilometre. The path came to a fence and gate which marked the end of the 'moor', I read the old cast iron plaque hanging aslant from a telegraph pole. Not that I doubted her but it pretty much just informed the reader of the protected status of the Reither Moor. Thoroughly unimpressed I followed the sign back toward Seefeld up the backside of the lake, the sun breaking over the Reither Spitze behind me.

It was so peaceful, a few birds chirped in the trees and a gentle breeze moved through the sighing branches. I forgot how I was dressed until I passed an old fella walking his Dachshund.

"Morgen"

"Morgen" I replied

"Es ist ein herrlicher Tag"

"Ja" I agreed

It must have been the way he looked at me but I became aware that I was dressed as a young woman and I was out walking on my own. Now I know it's silly and there's no real reason I should be overly concerned but I just was.

I was quickly back at the north end of the water; believe it or not I'd only been walking for about thirty minutes. Having previously seen a path I decided to go over the little hill to the town then circle back to the hotel for breakfast. The sun was no where near hot yet but it was just giving enough heat to make it pleasant. The path wound up across the little alm towards a stand of pine, what's that?

Flipping heck it's a miniature Stone Henge! Sure enough about a dozen rocks were set in a rough circle on the hill top, pretty much hidden from view until you reached them although the views from up here allowed excellent vista's across the lake and over to the old Olympic ski jump.

After taking a few minutes to appreciate the views I found another path that eventually brought me down to the church in the town square. The clock struck eight as I headed down through the shops back to the hotel and a breakfast I now had an appetite for.

"There you are, I've been knocking on your door for half an hour" Den greeted me

"And good morning to you, what's the problem?"

"Nothing really. I just wanted to make sure you were up, you ended up having a few last night."

"I woke up about six so I got ready and went for a walk" Den raised his brow, "yes I know, I didn't think alright? I only saw one old chap walking his dog anyway"

"I see your er chest has shrunk again" Den mentioned

"Well I was never supposed to have all day yesterday. Usual Friday?" I asked as I buttered a roll.

"Yeah, I've told them nine o'clock to give them plenty of time up the Stubai"

"Fine"

"Good morning everyone" I greeted the coach as we again headed down towards Innsbruck. "I hope you all had a good time last night?" I was answered by a good selection of positive comments. "We have a nice day planned for you today, this morning we go up the Stubaital then after lunch we head across the Brenner Pass to Vipiteno in Italy, so sit back and enjoy" I replaced the microphone and started the morning bus walk which, like the rest of the week took some time.

Before Stubai however another short stop was in order, I took up the mike as the motorway started climbing.

"We are just about to cross the Europabrucke, the highest road bridge in Europe, we will pull in at the services on the far side so that you can walk back for photo's and look at the views. Just twenty minutes please"

To be honest crossing this fantastic engineering feat is a bit of a non event, just another motorway bridge. Even the view from the little chapel by the services doesn't do it justice but we'd be seeing it again later! We were only one of about a dozen coaches stopped for the reason at the services, just about every tour from any country that is going this way stops, it's always busy.

"Tea?" I offered

"Please" Den passed his mug over then followed me up to the kitchenette.

"At least I can't get roped into anything today" I mentioned as we waited for the water to boil

"That's true, mind you we have got the dinner tonight"

"Oh bum! I'd forgotten about that"

"It's only a meal"

"I know but everyone gets dressed up, what am I going to wear?"

"Well you did buy a dress on Wednesday" he mentioned

"It's a bit revealing"

"Women!" he rolled his eyes heavenward and I gave him a gentle shove

"Okay, I guess it's the dress then" I replied passing him his tea.

We got caught in a traffic jam leaving the services but no sooner were we back on the autobahn than we were leaving again to join the Stubaital toll road. They obviously spend the income on the road, it's wide and well maintained and this time of day, ten thirty on a Friday morning, quiet! I've been up here in the winter and it's like the M25, nose to tail all the way up the valley. The road suddenly steepened and we entered the first part of the new all weather tunnel. We got held up for a few minutes half way through, they are still working on it, then breaking out into the sunlight again, the end of the road, Mutterbergalm hove into sight.

I'm always amazed at the huge car parks up here miles from anywhere, but this is one of the most popular ski areas in the Tirol, the Jochdole. Time for instructions again. I unclipped the microphone and started as Den parked us in the top coach park.

"Can you all hear me?"

The usual chorus replied in the affirmative.

"Okay, this Mutterbergalm, we are here for two hours thirty, so we leave at, "I checked my watch, "one thirty"

"Psst!" Den hissed, "make it two"

"Sorry everyone, Den says we can stay a little longer until zwei uhr, two o'clock. You can go by cable car just here to the glacier, there is a restaurant and shop up there. Or if you prefer there is a café here at the bottom. So two o'clock please" I finished.

"What are we doing" Den asked, "I fancy going up, I've never done this one"

"Okay, we can eat at the top"

Den locked the bus and we walked over to the ticket office where most of the passengers were still stood.

"Everything okay?"

"Hi Nena," Mrs Stubbings said, "no ones sure what ticket to get"

"Hang on then"

I went up to the bemused clerk

"Wievel kostet fur rundfahrt?"

"Alles?" she indicated the party behind me

"Ja" I did a quick count up, there were a couple missing but I heard them talking about walking up past the waterfalls.

"Funf und dreiáŸig"

"Funf hundert Uro"

"Moment bitte"

I returned to the waiting group

"I've got a group rate, it works out at fifteen Euro's each for the round trip. Is that okay?" there were various muttered conversations but there was a general consensus.

"Okay, I'll pay, we can sort the money out later on the bus"

"Thank you Nena, I don't know how we'd cope without you" Mrs Stubbings stated and several more muttered agreement.

I returned to the clerk and did the deed, paying with my Visa card, it was only afterwards that I realised that my card said 'Mr Chris Hornby', luckily the clerk only checked the signature. Phew! Close call.

"Okay, you have a Fahrkarte each, just put it in the machine for the gate"

"Turnstile" Den supplied

"Yes turnstile, you will need it also to return. Go up the stairs to the, er how you say car hall?"

I passed the tickets out and Den and I followed them around to the turnstiles, which operate like those on the underground in London, eventually even the inept worked it out and we congregated in the boarding shed. The cars are pretty small a tight six, but comfortable four seater. After a few minutes Den, the Stubbings and I were in a car and jouncing out into the sunshine.

"Ooh I'm not sure I like this!" Mrs S mentioned

"Bit late now missus, you can't get out" her husband informed her.

The poor woman looked petrified.

"It's okay Mrs Stubbings, nothing to worry about, look up rather than down, here swap with Den" so Den and Mrs Stubbings did a seat swap so that she was looking up the mountain rather than down. It was eerie as the car silently climbed up the almost vertical face of the moraine then we popped out onto the first plateau and we could see the first stop ahead framed by the Jochdole behind.

The station proudly proclaimed it was at 1900 odd metres, our destination, still a further five hundred metres higher. Mrs Stubbings was much calmer and less green as our car joined the queue in the interchange before once more popping out to continue the ascent. The sun was blinding where it reflected off the still fairly abundant snow above us and I was glad I'd brought my fleece up with me. When we left the little cocoon at the top and emerged from the building, we were greeted by a spectacular vista, little dots moved over the snow from up towards the peak, skiers of course, the whole landscape makes you lose any real sense of scale.

"Are they skiing?" Mrs Stubbings asked

"Yes, there is snow up here all year" I told her

"I've never seen real skiing, only on the telly" she confided

"Look here Agnes, it's twenty five degrees and we're 2345metres high. How much is that in English?"

"Nearly two miles" Den supplied

"Phew, so how high is the top up there?"

"I think about 3500 metres"

"Lets take a walk Agnes" Mr Stubbings suggested

"Okay Stan, thanks again Nena, we'll see you later"

"Ready to eat?" Den asked

"I hope everyone enjoyed themselves" I mentioned as we set off for the drive over the Brenner.

By the looks on all the smiling faces they had, good enough. I took the strappy sandals off and with a good hours drive started a drinks round. As passes go, the Brenner is nothing special at just 1300 metres but it's importance as a cross Alpine route means that the motorway is very busy and as we dropped towards Vipiteno the traffic started backing up until it was at a crawl. Eventually we entered the town and parked at the top of the town. Mind you I did have to collect everyone's cable car money, so I ended up rather cash rich!

"One hour please" I advised the passengers, "cross over the road and down the lane to the shops" that magic word again! After herding our charges in the right direction we locked the coach and Den fetched ice creams from the café before we started a leisurely stroll into the town ourselves.

If you want to buy presents this is the place, cheap wine and cheap leather goods, the town doesn't have a great deal more to offer! Don't get me wrong, it's pleasant enough but there's no fancy buildings or town walls, you know what I mean? Den and I didn't go as far as the clock tower, our destination was our preferred wine vendor and leather store.

I left Den to get our booze order filled and wandered upstairs to the leatherwear.

"Gá¼ten abend"

"Abend" I replied smiling to the cashier

I wandered around with no real intention in mind but found myself looking at a rail of clothing.

The assistant came over.

"Can I help at all?"

I slipped into full German Nena mode.

"I'm just looking thanks"

"We have other sizes if you see anything you like"

"Thanks"

I wasn't even sure why I was looking but a creamy white dress in gorgeous soft leather caught my eye. I pulled it out; it was enough to get my loins excited just holding the empty garment.

"You like?"

"I like a lot!" I told her. I looked at the price. Ouch! Two fifty Euro's. "It's a bit expensive for me though"

"You are Reiseleiter?"

"Yes, for Global from England"

"But you are German yes?"

Well why not?

"Yes, I am just temporary for this tour" well that was true enough.

"You try the dress, the changing room is just at the back"

Do I want to do this? More to the point why? I took the dress and headed to the changing room.

I thought that the red dress felt good the other day, this was something else! I have no idea why, I mean after the weekend I'll be back to Chris Hornby male tour host, but I had to have this dress! I reluctantly changed back into my skort and t and returned to the clothing rail.

"You like it, the size is good?"

"Yes to both but" I simply shrugged my shoulders

"For you the price is one hundred seventy Euro" she offered

I bit my lip, ooh was I tempted!

"One fifty?" I tried

"One seventy five with the shoes"

Well they'd make excellent presents!

"Done"

Ten minutes later I rejoined a toe-tapping Den in the wine cellar.

"At last, Sergio will give us a lift back to the bus"

"Great"

"What have you been buying, not more women's stuff?"

"Might have" I countered

He did the eye-rolling bit again as we followed Sergio out to the Alfa estate that was to be our taxi. Five minutes later and we were loading our alcohol into the crew locker; I tipped Sergio a twenty note, all parties happy.

"So what did you get?"

"Another dress and shoes"

"Women!"

"Hey remember me, Chris!" I mentioned

"Why the hell did you buy more women's stuff?"

"Presents?"

"Whatever, here come the punters"

Well they kept their hundred percent time keeping record allowing us to leave Vipiteno at five past four. Instead of using the autostrada we headed out on the old road, it would take longer but it's a nicer ride. The little border town of Brenner is totally forgettable but the succeeding towns and villages are much more pleasant. The other reason for returning this way is that if you knew how the motorway clings to the mountains you might not want to be on it! In places it is cantilevered for the full six-lane width, scary!

Almost unnoticed we drove under the Europabrucke, Den pulled into the little kiosk just afterwards. From down here the bridge really does look impressive.

"Fifteen minutes please" I advised them before they descended on the kiosk for ice creams! Apparently they do bungee jumping off of the bridge, way scary! From here we had less than an hours drive back to Seefeld, arriving a bit before six.

"Dinner tonight is at sieben uhr, see you all later"

Maddy Bell 11.02.04

Hostess With The Mostest - Part 8
Maddy Bell

"Ingrid" I hissed around the doorjamb a few minutes later.

She glanced up from the computer screen.

"Oh hi Nena, what's up?"

"Tonight is what's up!"

"How so?"

"Erm, it's the farewell dinner yes? Everyone gets dressed up; I usually even wear a tie! I've got no idea what's appropriate."

"The red dress?" she suggested

"I suppose but it's a bit short isn't it?"

"I've got an idea, come on"

"Where are we going?"

"Shopping!"

She grabbed my hand and just about dragged me out of the office.

Seefeld was still buzzing with activity

Seefeld was still pretty busy, a lot of the shops are open until six thirty or even seven o'clock and I spotted one or two of my passengers taking the opportunity for a last shop as I was dragged into the shopping precinct. I must say, Ingrid can shop like lightning! Into the Drogerie, a quick raid of the makeup counter then into the boutique next door, you get the idea. Well we were back at the hotel by six thirty all done!

"Into the shower, quickly" Ingrid urged, "and don't get your hair wet!"

When I emerged clad in just a towel five minutes later, Ingrid had everything ready and waiting. When she'd finished I looked, how can I put it, hot! I didn't recognise myself, that is I didn't look much like the Nena I've been all week. My hair was up in what I refer to as bretzels, much like yesterday at the castle but Ingrid had plaited some red silk flowers into my hair at the same time.

Of course I was wearing the red dress and the shoes but I was also wearing opaque tights in red with a black geometric pattern which reduced my feeling of exposure somewhat. Anja's breast enhancers were making another appearance that gave me the appearance of a decent figure. Deep red nail varnish, matching lipstick and strong treatment of my eye makeup just about wrapped it up.

"Here, wear these" Ingrid gave me a couple of rings to wear while she fixed a red velvet choker around my neck.

"Well?"

"Thanks I think"

"What are girl friends for? One thing's for sure, if anyone had any doubts, they won't have after tonight."

"I'd best go down I suppose"

"Don't forget this" she handed me the new clutch bag we bought less than an hour ago.

This 'Farewell' dinner is a Global tradition on the last night in resort. Instead of the usual three course meal, they get a generous buffet, a complimentary glass of wine, some entertainment, finishing with a bit of a dance. It's not compulsory but most people dress up a bit and the hired help are expected to 'put out' so to speak! Personally I could easily live without it but rules is rules and I'm effectively 'hostess' to Den's 'host'.

"Okay Den?"

"Nena? You look better than the missus ever did!"

I blushed something chronic at the compliment.

"All Ingrid's doing, I feel pretty exposed in this"

"Well you look terrific, shall we go in?"

All things considered the evening went really well, at least until the dancing started about nine o'clock! Of course it was inevitable, but I found myself having to dance with most of the male passengers, I could hardly refuse, I'm no dancer but some of this lot! The last time I escaped, Den was grinning like a loon but I had my revenge, Mrs Stubbings needed a partner and he was it! The official 'do' ended just after ten and with a fairly early start in the morning, most of the passengers retired soon thereafter.

"That wasn't so bad was it?" Den asked me as we sat in the Stube afterwards

"Well my feet are killing me, I'm hot and I'm knackered, no it wasn't too bad"

"Are you two coming for a drink?" Ingrid asked

"I'd better not, I'm driving in the morning remember" Den mentioned

"Coffee?" she offered

"Oh go on then"

The three of us walked up into the now quiet town centre and ended up sat outside one of the small bars opposite the station. Even this time of night it was quite warm although it would be cold in another hour.

"So Chris, how did you enjoy your week?" Ingrid enquired

"I'm not sure 'enjoy' is the right word"

"Oh come on Chris," Den put in, "the last two days at least, no make it three, since Wednesday in fact you've 'been' Nena"

"What do you mean? I've been Nena since Sunday" I stated

"I think what he's trying to say is that you've been er, more relaxed." Ingrid explained

"Confident" Den added

"Yes" Ingrid agreed

"I suppose" I allowed

"Monday's Nena certainly wouldn't have dickered over a dress in Vipiteno today" Den mentioned

"What's this?" Ingrid asked

"Didn't she tell you?" Den started

"I didn't get a chance!"

"So? What did you get?"

"A dress and some shoes" I admitted

"Chris Hornby, I think you like being a girl!" Ingrid exclaimed

"Well it's not as bad as I thought it was going to be, I was sure that some one would spot me for a bloke"

"People see what they want to see Chris, if it quacks and swims it's a duck right?" Den offered.

"I guess so"

"And you do make a pretty good looking girl" Ingrid chirped

"Looks like you're gonna lose the bet Chris" Den mentioned

"When do you become Chris again?" Ingrid asked

"Sugar!" I exclaimed, "I've no idea. I hope the girls have got a plan"

"I suppose we'd better get back" Den suggested

"We'll follow in a minute" Ingrid told him

"Okay, I'll see you in the morning, g'night"

"Night Den"

"Night"

"You okay?"

"I suppose so, now I've thought about it I'm a bit concerned about tomorrow though"

"I guess I would be too" she allowed

"I can't think of a way out though, I can hardly do another disappearing act, and that would defeat the object as well"

"Well you'd best look as much girl as possible, you'd best use those enhancers again tomorrow. Now then, tell your auntie Ingrid all about this new dress!"

Boy do I feel uncomfortable this morning. Ingrid dragged me out of bed just after six and set to with a vengeance! So here I am Chris Hornby aka Nena, waiting for the passengers to emerge from the hotel to start the first leg of the trip back to the UK. Gone are the casual clothes, no today Ingrid insisted that I should look smart so here I am, my hair is in a French braid, I'm wearing subtle makeup, the leather minidress, pale hose and the off white three inch heels that go with the dress. I must admit that I do look rather good - as blokes dressing up as women go!

Den was grumbling to himself, I usually give him a hand loading the cases, there was no way that was gonna happen this morning with me dressed like this!

"You ready Nena?" Ingrid asked plonking a cup of coffee in my hand, "coffee Den"

"Cheers" he came over and joined us.

"As ready as I ever will be. I still feel ridiculous dressed like this"

"Well you look fab" she mentioned, Den rolled his eyes!

"I just hope the girls have worked out how I'm supposed to get back across the Channel tomorrow"

"Hang on, I've got an idea" Ingrid said darting back inside.

My attention was distracted by the first of the passengers emerging to board the bus. So I stationed myself by the coach door to do the morning greet bit.

"You look nice Nena" Mrs Stubbings mentioned as I helped her up the step

"Thanks"

"You travelling all the way back with us?" she asked

"I'm not certain, at least to Calais though"

Most of the passengers were on board before Ingrid came rushing back out.

"Nena, can I have a word?" she whispered to me

"Sure, here okay?"

"No, just over here" she motioned away from the bus and I followed her over.

"What's with all the cloak and dagger?"

"Sorry?" that didn't translate very well.

"Forget it, what's up?" I tried again

"Here take this" she handed me an envelope

"What is it?"

"Have a look," I extracted the contents, a passport and what looked like a photo id card.

"Whose are these? And why give them to me?"

"Mine silly, you can use them to get home, you look enough like me to get away with it"

"But that's not legal, what if I get caught?"

"You won't get caught, on the other hand, looking like you do if you try to use your own you almost certainly will get stopped"

"Er, I guess you're right" I agreed sliding 'my' paperwork back into the envelope.

She grabbed me and did the cheek kiss thing.

"Take care Chris, post the stuff back when you get home"

"I will, thanks for everything, especially this" I waved the envelope.

"Let me know how it goes"

"I will" I gave her a final hug and returned to the bus.

"Come on girl, all the passengers are on, what was that all about?"

"I left my passport in my room, Ingrid fetched it for me" I told Den loud enough that the first couple of rows could hear.

"You've got everything now?"

"Yep"

"Okay lets go!" he shut the door, tooted the horn and pulled away.

Ingrid and her staff waved as we departed the See Hotel for the last time this week.

"Good morning everyone"

Various greetings returned down the bus.

"We hope that you have enjoy your time in Seefeld. We have a long drive today to Nancy in France for our overnight stop. We will be stopping regularly for the toilette and we will halt for lunch in Switzerland. I will be offering beverages later and if you have any questions I will be along shortly. Settle down and enjoy the journey, thank you."

As usual I made my way up the coach as Den headed us towards Má¶sern, Telfs and the westbound autobahn. After ensuring everyone was happy I made myself comfortable on the courier seat, and finding my book, picked up reading about Ayla and Co. we made good time along the Inntal and in a little over the hour we were at the Arlberg Tunnel. Entering the 16km tunnel was my cue to start a drink's round, the first of potentially many today!

You don't really want a blow by blow, kilometre by kilometre account so I'll give you the highlights! When we emerged from the tunnel into the Voralberg the weather was cooler, much better for travelling and we descended to Feldkirch where we left the autobahn and headed into the town, taking the road south into Liechtenstein. The border crossing into the principality was the first time I needed to show a passport for over a week and nervously I offered Ingrid's documents to the guard. Seeing the Austrian eagle on the cover, he just smiled and waved it away, the other passengers' passports underwent a more thorough check.

"How come he didn't look at yours?" Den asked as we pulled away up the hill.

"Tell you later, where are we stopping?"

"Vaduz, we can park near the post office"

A mere ten minutes later our charges were wandering off around the little principality's capital leaving Den and I alone with the bus for half an hour.

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Passport?"

"Oh right, I've got Ingrid's Austrian one"

"Well that explains the border but what the hell are you doing with it?"

"Ingrid thought it would be safer than trying to use my own given how I'm dressed and what have you"

"Hmm I s'pose so. You making a drink?"

We resumed our journey, picking up the Swiss motorway as soon as we were in Switzerland proper. This southern route to Zá¼rich is pretty scenic and for that matter direct and we were driving past Zá¼rich See by twelve o'clock. A traffic-infested traverse of Zá¼rich city centre had us onto the A1 motorway and our lunch stop at Wurenlos Nord services. Having to use motorway services on a regular basis, you learn to appreciate the better ones. Wurenlos is nothing spectacular but the fact that you can eat, and eat pretty well without breaking the bank makes it a good stop for the punters.

An hour and a plate of rá¶stii later, we resumed our journey. Just after Baden we turned onto the Basel motorway and we were soon looking over the Rhein to the Black Forest, shrouded in a fast developing haze. Into the maze of motorways and back streets that take you through to the French border, we dived crossing the mighty Rhein twice in the process before being waved straight through the border control.

The terrain changes immediately from the hills of northern Switzerland to the almost flat Rhein flood plain that runs up to Strasbourg and beyond. Time for another walk up the bus and with the day warming up somewhat, the demand for cold cans was almost universal! After a time the hills of Alsace emerged from the mist to our left and soon we reached Colmar where we turned off of the motorways for a while. Three thirty was fast approaching when we turned off the main road into Kayserberg for our afternoon break.

"One hour please, the town is over the bridge and is very pretty. If you want to see the storchs, they have a, er nest? Yes nest, on the top of the tower at the corner. So four thirty please"

Our charges trooped off of the bus for our last stop of the day.

"You having a walk?" I asked Den

"Naw, I think I'll catch a few zeds. You could bring an ice cream back if you're going in"

My turn to roll my eyes.

"Okay, I'll see you in a bit"

With the sultry heat I was by now feeling less than comfortable dressed in my leather and nylon finery. In fact as I joined the crowds in the main street I felt decidedly over dressed and I was getting more than my share of attention from the mostly casually dressed grockles. I headed towards the little museum, my destination the biscuit factory. Hmm, the aroma of freshly cooked biscuits wafted down the street to greet me.

Kayserberg in all its glory!

Whenever I stop here, this is where you'll find me! I stood outside for a minute just savouring the gorgeous smells then slipping my sunnies onto the top of my head, plunged into the temporary gloom of the confectioners.

"Mademoiselle?" the young man serving enquired.

I slipped into my less than perfect French.

"500 grams of the almond and 500 grams of cherry please" my mouth was watering something chronic, "no make that a kilo of the cherry"

"Okay"

I seemed to be attracting a bit of attention from the bakery staff and my heart sank, I'm uncovered.

"Five Euro eighty please"

I passed a ten note over and realised that it was looks of lust that I was receiving from the staff when the lad's hand contacted mine for far too long.

"Twenty and four and your biscuits" he slipped the coins into my hand and I took the bag with my other.

"Thank you"

"My pleasure" he replied.

Well it wasn't mine! I spun on my heel and exited stage right.

I took my time walking back through the town, had a quick look at the stork's nest before returning to the bus.

"I thought you were getting some ice cream?" Den greeted me

"Bum, I knew I'd forgotten something. There's a van in the car park, what do you want?"

"Cornettoor whatever they've got, you okay? You look a bit flushed." He mentioned /I> "Just a bit warm, won't be a minute"

In truth I was still feeling a bit uncomfortable about the looks I received in the confectioners and the more I dwelt on it the more I realised that I was getting a lot of attention in the street too. Why couldn't I wear something casual today? Damn you Ingrid!

"You sure you're okay?" Den asked when I returned with our ice cream.

"Yeah. Well sort of."

"What do you mean? Sort of"

"Well it was the looks I got up at the biscuit factory and in the high street for that matter. They just sort of creeped me out"

He nodded in understanding, I think!

"Well you creep me out too, no guy has any right looking as foxy as you do today"

"Er thanks I think."

We were just finishing up when the first passengers returned, I say first; they nearly all arrived at once!

The last leg of today's journey took us over the Col du Bonhomme, past St Die and Lunéville and over the Moselle into Nancy centre. The Novotel Nancy Gare provided our last night's accommodation and we pulled in about quarter to six.

I sorted out everyone's keys with reception and rejoined Den as he finished unloading bags.

"We eating here or in the town?" I asked

"Not fussed" Den offered

"Here then, I won't need to change"

"Fair enough, lets dump the bags and go straight in, they take forever and I want to eat before midnight!"

"Urgh" I glanced at the clock, seven fifteen. Seven fifteen! Damn, I shot out of bed and straight into the bathroom. I shouldn't have finished that bottle of wine off! A quick shower later and I contemplated my wardrobe. The girls would be wearing their Global uniforms, as I would be normally, today however I have no uniform suitable for 'Nena'! After some debate I decided to go for yesterdays outfit again, fresh underwear of course and my attempts at coiffeur ran only as far as scraping my white locks into a ponytail. Well at least I look semi presentable.

Apparently more than semi.

"You okay this morning?" Den asked when I arrived at the bus with my case.

"Just about, remind me not to finish the bottle again!"

Den chuckled

"You had breakfast?" he enquired

"No, have I got time?"

"Fifteen minutes"

I scurried back inside to the breakfast room.

"You look nice again Nena" Mrs Stubbings mentioned

"Thank you, have you had a good trip?" I asked while filling a plate with croissants

"Ooh yes dear, we've had a wonderful trip thank you"

"Good, I'm glad you enjoyed"

"We're just going to have a quick walk"

"See you at the bus then"

I lit into the pastries and coffee with a vengeance, glancing at my watch I realised it was time I wasn't here. With a chocolate croissant in hand, I checked with reception that everyone had returned their keys and joined Den outside once again.

"Everyone here?" I asked

"Just the Stubbings missing"

"They were going for a short walk"

"Ah here they are now" Den got on board and had the engine started by the time the old couple reached us.

"Sorry Nena, we couldn't get back across the road" Mrs Stubbings apologised

"Don't know where they all came from" Mr Stubbings mentioned

"No trouble" I told them as I climbed on behind them.

A quick head count later and we were off.

The passengers were pretty subdued this morning as we headed for St Dizier, a common enough phenomenon at the end of a trip. At least we were only a couple of hours away from meeting up with Steve, Rob, Mandy and Julia at Reims services. Compared with the rest of the week, my walk up the bus was pretty quick and by the time we reached Toul I was reading Jean Auel again. As we headed north, it became cooler although still bright but the grey clouds ahead held a promise of rain.

We joined the 'Autoroute de L'est' shortly after Chalon; just a few minutes later we pulled into the services. We were the first Global in, however we barely had the handbrake on before Rob and Julia arrived.

"My god Chris, I thought you looked good last week, you look stunning" Julia exclaimed

"Thanks I think"

"If I didn't know, I'd swear you were the real thing Chris" Rob agreed

"Better call me Nena, the passengers" I mentioned

"She's been brilliant all week" Den put in

"Come on let's get some coffee, the others are about fifteen minutes behind us" Rob advised.

I was answering the call of nature when Steve and Mandy arrived. I just caught the end of Mandy's question

"So where is 'she'?"

"Not sure, the shop I think" Julia suggested, "hey Den is that Nena over there?"

"Nena!" Den called out, "yeah"

"Who's Nena?" Mandy asked as I arrived

"Just someone we know," Julia explained, "hi Nena" she winked at me

"Hello Julia, and Den" I made a big show of air kissing both of them; I could see Rob trying to contain his laughter. "Haben sie eine gut fahrt?"

"Great thanks Nena, you?"

"Fine thank you."

"Oh sorry, this is Steve and Mandy, they work for Global as well, guys meet Nena"

Well Rob couldn't contain it any longer and burst out laughing

"Rob!" Julia admonished

"Sorry, I couldn't help it"

"What's so funny mate?" Steve asked

"Nena is! Eh Chris?"

"Shssh!" I hissed

"Chris?" Mandy asked

"S'me" I admitted

"Oh my god!" she goldfished

"No!" Steve mentioned

"Later guys, we've got a ferry to catch" Den mentioned

We were soon back onto the Autoroute; we haven't got any more stops before Calais, a couple of hours away. The weather deepened further and finally broke just after St Quentin, the rain bouncing off the tarmac, then as quick as it started it stopped. For the first time in days, my beverage round consisted of more hot drinks than cold! We crossed into the Pays de Calais, soon after we turned more north westerly around Arras and onto the coastal plain. Of course we still have to fit in the booze stop, for some punters the highlight of the holiday, go figure!

We dropped the passengers off at Booze City before popping around to the filling station to fill the tanks with cheap French diesel. With practised timing we arrived back at the drinks shed ten minutes before we were due to leave; just time to pop in ourselves! We were now getting close to the first hurdle in getting me back home, the French gendarmerie at the port.

All three coaches ran the last couple of miles to the ferry terminal in convoy and we were soon checked in for the three thirty sailing. We pulled through to immigration but my fears were ill founded, we were waved straight through onto the dock.

Den took up the microphone, "hello everyone, I will be leaving you in Dover, a feeder driver will take you back north. When we land in Dover please make sure you have your passports ready, immigration are being quite thorough at the moment. It's been a pleasure this week, both Nena and myself hope you've had a good trip and we look forward to welcoming you back some time soon." Den's standard end of tour speech!

"So Chris how'd it go?" Mandy asked once we were in the driver's lounge.

"Okay I guess"

"Oh come on Chris," Julia mentioned, "tell 'em"

"Okay, I'll give you the short version"

We were heading into Dover by the time I finished the abridged tale of my week as Nena.

"I can't believe this Grá¤fin person offered you a job"

"If you'd seen him, you'd know why" Den put in

"Den!"

"Well" he mentioned

Back in good ol' blighty! We negotiated the racetrack off the dock around to customs, (waved straight through) and onto the final hurdle, immigration. We queued for a few minutes then we were into the shed.

"Passports please" the I.O. requested climbing on board the bus. She worked her way back up the bus comparing faces to photos, I'm sunk! Returning to the front she ignored Den and my proffered documents, "don't worry" she whispered, then turning to the bus, "thank you folks, have a good trip home."

We pulled through the barriers and swung in next to the Global SUV that had brought the feeder drivers down and would take the tour drivers north.

"See you at the depot" Den mentioned as he gathered his stuff.

"Er Den?"

"Eh?"

"Can you just square it with the feeder, they don't know remember?"

"I'd forgotten all about that, sure"

He called 'bye' to the passengers and hopped off with me in tow.

"You taking mine up Fred?"

"Yeah, good trip?" Fred asked

"Pretty good, just so you know, Chris was taken ill so Nena here has been filling in, she'll go up to Trowell with you."

"Hi Nena"

"Hello Fred"

"Poor Chris eh? He okay?"

"I think so, from the last time I spoke to him" Den supplied

"I suppose we'd better get off, eh Nena?"

"Sure" I agreed

Back on board I advised the punters of the arrangements as Fred started us off on the final leg.

"Has everyone changed their watches back, yes?" a lot of murmuring suggested the answer was no. "Fred here will be our driver and I will be with you as far as Nottingham. We will stop at Toddlyton,"

"Toddington" Fred corrected

"Sorry Toddington services, but I will be around for drinks before then"

Some hours later I stood waiting with the girls for a lift back to the depot, conscious of the brevity of my dress in the cool evening air.

"So?" Julia asked

"What?" I replied

"Did it make a difference?" Mandy put in

"Well I certainly got more tips, there's at least eighty quid here" I tapped my bag, "and I did a lot of refreshments, maybe another sixty. And they were a lot more talkative too," I admitted, "brrrr it's turning chilly" I added slumping down onto my upturned case.

"I guess that proves our theory" Julia suggested

"slip this on" Julia gave me her uniform jacket.

"Maybe" I allowed, "but most of the drinks were because it was hot all week."

"You just don't want to admit it do you?" Mandy stated

Seefeld

"Okay! You win! What I want to know is what do I do about this?" I grabbed a shank of blonde hair.

"Come over to mine in the morning and we'll sort it out" Julia told me

"I'm just glad it's over."

"You don't mean that" Julia suggested

"I do, I can't wait to get back into trousers and get rid of these" I indicated my 'breasts'

"Come on Chris, you must have enjoyed it, at least a bit from what you've told us" Mandy said

"Hmm, maybe a bit but you've seen the last of me in a dress!" I stated as our transport arrived.

Maddy Bell 15.02.04
Photo's  © Maddy Bell 2002
 © 2004