Been awhile, almost two years, beyond very brief visits.

I've been posting on a TG piracy forum about my experience recently

This post is a cut & paste from a post there that gives some background as to why I'm posting it here & now.
Slightly edited just seen a sentence I never ended.
This will become the Series introduction & because of how the site functions, my story may be rewritten, as events unfold.

As always with me, my niche tastes are needles in a haystack, I check everything, if I hadn't purged Most (never get everything) the BDSM & FemDom Stuff the A-Z folder was much bigger, but most of that was from 8muses, or here.

That post started as a short responce & like all my recent posts there, got personal fast & expanded.
No problem, my entire life is derailing right now, so that's mostly me overthinking things, derailing these threads, sorry can't stop posting my feelings, which is a very unusual thing, me even having any feelings.

That's the Spock analogy, I "Overthink2 everything, that's how you get smarter, I don't know how I discovered that, but it clearly describes how my logical conscious brain deals with things, even knowing the modern usage, the word retarded meant, restrain, restrict the "Natural flow" like water irrigation.

So when I say I was emotionally retarded by my ignorance & subconscious fears, of the reaction of "Society" to me exposing my wrongness.

While that dictionary definition meant nothing to the conscious me, it subconsciously ruled me while suppressing the emotions driving those decisions.

So on top of the wrongness this dissociation between the two halves of my brain became a barrier.

That barrier broke in 2018, but only a crack, the emotions leak out unexpectedly, then gone.

My memory is a jigsaw puzzle of both the wrongness & the emotional suppression I used to live with the wrongness for 54 years.

I'm now 7 years into the process of making sense of the tangled mess, with mostly self therapy & my own research into the differences between my perception & reality, it's a long process, as well as the feminisation, it's the chance to test my amateur diagnosis of the mental issues It's still causing even now.

I never chose to be Transgender & I know exactly how close I've been to dying & just got lucky, I may have died long before the internet existed & I understood that I was never alone, I always had a community of people to turn to, I just had to find them first & coming from porn sites, filled with so much fantasy & myths that it's contradicting itself in the same comic sometimes, it was the drive for more text, not less pictures that led me to the site that broke that barrier.

One written by & for Transgender people.
The Reluctant Girl Series | BigCloset TopShelf

I'd always said the first story, but on fact checking, you guessed it, lying bitch memory again.

The Reluctant Girl – Series – Story 1 ≡ The Reluctant Girl Friend by Melanie Brown.ODT
The Reluctant Girl – Series – Story 2 ≡ The Reluctant Cheer Leader by Melanie Brown.ODT
The Reluctant Girl – Series – Story 3 ≡ The Reluctant Sister by Melanie Brown.ODT
The Reluctant Girl – Series – Story 4 ≡ The Reluctant Prom Date by Melanie Brown.ODT
The Reluctant Girl – Series – Story 5 ≡ The Reluctant Bride by Melanie Brown.ODT

Both the original BCTS version (My ODT eBook version) & the DopplerPress (BCTS Publisher, that I pirate least often as it's all novels & Bundles & supports the free site), that said, everything I've downloaded is in the My Collection thread now, but the sites been too painful for me to visit since I got on the Waiting List.

This was a SFW story where it's "Obvious" to everyone except the main character, because after each "Reluctant episode she becomes more feminine.

the key passage was part of the "you must be gay" narrative, I experienced in 1978, but the TG part was missing in my rel experience.

Tapping his nose again, Dr. Irrenarzt said, “Mr. Davis, I’ll admit that I’ve never counseled a transgendered individual before, but I have sat in with colleagues who have. One striking contrast between them and you is that they have had a burning desire to be the opposite sex for as long as they can remember. You have only wanted to be a girl since December.”

I have never "Wanted to be a girl", my logical brain knows that is impossible.

If I must be "male" I want to be as feminine as I can be, I want to be a Sissy, not a girl,

But the key link was was finally made, in my mind, I could not be a Transvestite, as I started dressing ASAP, the puberty crap just caused more problems.

Once that link was established, or remade if it once existed & understood what the wrongness was & as this comment is yet another attempt to tell that story previously mentioned in one of my posts (somewhere on here, buggered if I can remember.

Might go back through my post timeline, to read how the story has evolved with my perception & understanding constantly changing.

I've decided it might be time to return to "My People on BCTS" to tell that story, not leaving here, but that is where I need to write it first.

Once I've written, nobody gets to pirate it, the eBook will be posted here first by me (or the next one we move to), even if let BCTS sell a copy I want no payment , I will buy the first copy sold & upload it here after the source as I have always provided variants.

So I'll stop here & prepare to do it properly, it seems I need to tell this story, but the perception changes are the main focus, my life story the only example of human perception I have access to & how that changed with knowledge removing my ignorance.
Note: there were empty paragraph lines in the quote, the preview seems to remove them for some reason

So that's the quote & my post history there is going to be part of the fact checking I need, so on to my current plan for this series of posts.

My autobiography is not the main reason I need to write this story.
You could describe it as a lifelong pursuit to perceive through a wall of ignorance & fear (My own most of all).

So the TLDR overview, will be here, but where reality is concerned & any individuals perception can only contain a tiny fraction of total human knowledge & that barely scratches the surface of our total ignorance of all knowledge, or even if it has any limit at all/
We will always live in that ignorant perception bubble.

This could be described as the story of my journey isolated & alone among a sea of humanity & all I ever knew was that I had a perception of wrongness was something that sea of humanity called a sexual perversion & I knew this & had "adult reading ability tested by the government by age 4, I learned to read using a dictionary & I have no idea how that started, they called me a "Child Prodigy".

My perception changes are part of the story & as I explain will be in future.
Finding this website in 2018 was they key to changing my perception after 40 years of subconscious fears I had no control of & isolationist.
I had finally found a place where I could change my perception & finally understand for the first time in my life I finally perceived the wrongness.

That was the answer, I was always TG, I was sad I was 40 years to late in knowing I needed castration to stop the wrongness getting much worse.
Within weeks the wrongness grew much worse, I tried to keep working, but the exhaustion kept getting worse.
No physical cause, ME was suggested my research says that's the answer for (fuck knows knows why, but effects obvious).

One morning I felt great, stepped over the doorstep & a wave of exhaustion washed over my, literally crippling me, though not physically.
The wrongness was back, three years of therapy, mostly DIY but some Generic therapy, more listening that that helping.

Two years ago I saw a 6 year waiting list on the NHS For gender treatment, started the process thinking I'd decide in 6 years, but a month later I knew I had no choice, I couldn't live with the wrongness that long & found a nearer place, it looked like I was too late.
The trial was over I sent an eMail, they contacted my doctor & got my referral directly, turned out they were about to become the 5th UK gender service & in Greater Manchester Where I live.

All those on the trial came first, my referral date was October 2023, they were seeing January 2021
After faily steady progression, Feb & March flashed by then it got stuck on April for six months, jumped to August, then after a month went to September, I expected to see October for a while as my date was the 23rd & was expecting two months longer with 1 year the worst case.

Turns out April was the trial ending & October was only those like me that eMailed the dead site in desperation referred that month.
After 60 years waiting to make the wrongness at least stop getting worse,
On Monday 21st July 2025: I got a text to book an invite appointment
On Tuesday 22nd July 2025: I had that F2F online video appointment
On Thursday 14th August 2025: I will get the first Doctor's appointment.

This is just to start talking but during that invite I was given the average estimates.
1 to 2 months for 1st (For me 3 weeks) & another 3 to 4 months for 2nd & treatment commencing.
Now I'm getting actual dates, I assume I'll know for sure in three weeks.

I've honestly found the wrongness to much to visit for that entire waiting period.

Now for the first time in my life I can perceive a tomorrow where the Wrongness doesn't get worse.
I don't know whether I'll ever remove the wrongness & that wrongness has a name Masculinity, & it appears I'm allergic to a masculine body.
I never wanted to be a girl, didn't even think that was possible, then only a few weeks ago the first womb transplant baby was born.
That "never" gets less certain every year.

This will be a story that goes beyond my perception, to the perception of all humanity.
What shaped me into the perception of "Life, the Universe & Everything" & why 20 years ago I perceived no future for our species.
Then how the internet changed that perception & while I now perceive my wrongness in a big picture sense, many pieces are missing.
The same can be said for our species, I perceive a wrongness I thought was impossible to change & I now see a path to do that.

As I will expand on as the story of my perception has changed & will as I write this.

My reading is great, grammar & spelling, one finger typing not so much, but more bad typing & bad self taught habits.
When you RTFM (Read The Fucking Manual) to everything you tend to skip the unimportant right now bits.
That acronym comes from engineering, not sex manuals, it means "the answer to you question is....RTFM".

This is intended to be a honest account, given the perspective of the moment, with my current perception.
My plan here is to do change of perception rewrites as versions of the same event, so keep each draft as a frozen perception of that moment. then as my perception changed, which has been ever more rapid the last two years as my time of decision approaches.

How do I feel, I don't really know, I have never felt strong emotions at all, I don't understand anger, hate, rage, because I've never felt them.
I can only call it an emotional roller coaster & I'm not taking estrogen.

All I can say is I've only had my hormones tested two years ago, the results were given for a male body.
Testosterone: High
Estrogen: Very high

That may have been "extremely high" I'll check later, but it was high enough for the GP to ask if I was already taking estrogen.
I have the letter some, but to tired to fact check my uncertain memory (that bitch lies constantly, do not trust her, I don't).

Well that will do for the first draft, too exhausted to type more just now. (Edit: famous last words).
Just happy I can come here again without the wrongness driving me away, I've missed this place more than I realised.
Now that's sadness & regret, I actually felt something that was identifiable instead of this churning pit of "Emotions" I can't decipher.
I feel a weird distortion has entered the wrongness & it just might start to lose it's grip.

I cant trust my emotional reactions it's as though my subconscious grabbed both of those distortions of Emotions suppressed & wrongness separated before I understood that they even existed. A constant battle of distorted & tangled wrongness of my masculine body.

My penis is great, if small & limp, but will I pee myself, with no morning wood to stop me, does morning wood make "real" boys horny?
I'll find out soon enough & if I do wet the bed, I'm lying in estrogen at least, small price to pay for a little less wrongness.
As for the sad sack those I'm keeping.
on a cute chain between those things boys love, just to see them wince in sympathy I don't need, when they realise what they are staring at.

Whops getting horny, better stop, in my real story, I'm a virgin, but in that fiction story I dream every night & I'm not feeling the wrongness.
That Uhuru is the real me & this is meant to be PG, though obviously given the subject, it won't shy away from "adult" topics, because that is always a factor given our perception of wrongness.

This is my first attempt to use the BCTS site structure & tools provided to create the reality of the concept for a Series.

An Autobiography is the current perception of a long life full of changing perceptions from the past.

So the basic concept was to reflect my lifelong struggle to understand.

As I so eloquently put it, with the cherry on top, being I wrote it in the same style as that popular man-baby, or should that be baby-man.
I can never tell with those as ignorant as Donald Trump that must ALWAYS USE ALL CAPS.

That was "Something" emotional just spewing out, the first time that's what Game/Outside Body Perspective" (I'm an atheist since before I can remember), saying "Before I can remember as the answer is frustration.

This series concept is the "Later Books are the same story told be the past perspectives, these don't really form a cohesive narrative & this is the first test of the "Child Page" function, if that works AS I want, these Past perceptions will be sub chapters.

You will read the current perception, then for each chapter their may be several "Sub chapter's of older perceptions of those events.
For literature reasons I think that would work best highlighting the changes, without repetition.

BCTS is important to my story for some reason, I need to be here I need more femininity in my life.
The toxic masculinity of Testosterone fueled wrongness in my body & finally starting to become human three weeks ago is taking it's toll on my body.

I don't know if you can die from ME/CFS, but the way my body feels right now.
I might just find out if my self diagnosed variant will this fucking week,
CBTGFSISWFFTMYU (Chronic Being TransGender Fatigue Syndrome I've Suffered With For Far Too Many Fucking Years Untreated).

Even writing that was exhausting
We will call this the Current Writing Shop

Reality of My & your Transition & experience of being TG before understanding (Older you are the more damage caused, maybe?)
that may get moved to a Separate child page.

This is still the Author page & if I get round to those SF&F stories, the topics there will be to that story writing & subject.

That's the plan for now,
Oblivion (my bed) is calling get to sleep (hopefully it's 04:00 dark outside, dark deep pit of …
SHUT THE FUCK UP UHURU FFS, GO TO FUCKING SLEEP, you're SHOUTING & rhyming, give it a damn rest, you NEED some sleep.

Is that "She/He" talking.

Now 07:00
Got to 06:00 felt like I might have grabbed an hour, but don't remember waking up, Went to bed 22:30 (Room Mate says).
Same thing at 02:00 that needing a pee NOW right this second get that Sissy ass sat down (Sissies sit to pee, funny thing though it was my Flat mate that "Forced" me to sit, sick of me missing the bowl, then complaining when my "Big huge snake" His "Barrack Room CIS vision as a Seargent that had to waych all those young virile wannabe "Real" tough men" shower & he was doing that as part of his duties for "Queen (King now) & country.

Note: TO UK Veterans
That was "Poetic License", he became a Sergeant later, he was one of the lads when he took the shilling & Only because I li8ve with a man that has the respect of every damn soldier that took that shilling with & served under his leadership later.

He's that veteran that you all know has the most medals for service & bravery than any five of you, but never wears them, because he's NOT proud of "Politics" awards, he's proud of serving with all of you guys, being the one that didn't duck & cover in Northern Ireland at £:30 one school day on that fateful day when a pub door opened & a bundle was thrown & "BOMB" was shouted in warning & though saving those Catholic adults inside that pub, it was done at that moment when an entire school full of Catholic Children was coming towards that ticking time Bomb that could go BOOM & cause mayhem & slaughter of 100s of children.

The "4 man Brick" he led (then a Corporal, or the one stripe "Lance-Corporal" I think), the Privates acted on instinct & dived for cover.
MY HERO, also didn't think, he acted & started running & shouting waving his arms rifle in hand (I imagine).

He was literally on top of the bomb & had just ran over over it (I think< my memory can never be 100% trusted).
BOOM happened at that moment, off he went flying upwards high in the sky & easily clearing the row of Tearraced houses. & landing with a huge thud, two days out cold, seven more deaf as a post.

Long term effect.
Eh what speak louder, you're Mumbling (Can't lip read), you're shouting (No shit deaf bastard), here THAT CHILDREN PLAYING (How the fuck can you even hear it? certain tones, frequencies SHOUT, most mumble, maybe?).

Apparently he was very lucky, but "Protastant Bomb, ejected from a Catholic pub & almost killing Catholic Childen", no medal, but later in the Falklands, taking "Cencored Hill" (tha name might ID him, even the the conflict name could be too much & I'm not telling state Secrets.
HE would never tell me what those 17 blank (NOT redacted) pages with two sentences on really said, it's clearly that top secret it wasn't even in the "Officicial record" to be seen, but I'm no expert on the paperwork side, so that's just what I can see really, blank pages.

If I could compare what he will never tell me (Official Secrets Act & honest Guv, my lips are sealed I'll swear I know nothing on that human written work of fiction & lie through my teeth that I heard nothing spoken, saw nothing & so my lips stay silent).

Changes nothing I hated ALL governments & rulers I was protesting that fucking war while the Real "Alpha" male was on that damn hill alone, because of that BOOM earlier, when the order for a withdrawal to flank the defenders, he kept on going alone, the "Company" gone (I get the Strengths mixed about 100 men I think that sort of strength), don't know the gory details

One man v The defenders on top, charged in pitch black tracer bullets flying both ways. then at some point the bullets ran out & "Dad's Army" saying "They don't like it up 'em", said with that dark & bitter humour only a survivor knows.

When the "Company" Officer's leading (Regimental Politics = Medal), in that moment of kill or be killed, no time to think.
As my veteran hero (Not for this dumb luck, that's the BOOM dumb luck) puts it.

I was better at the "Kill" part, they were better at the "Be Killed" part, I refused to even audition for that role.

Hopefully not TOO specific, but that's the problem with any "Autobiography", it includes other people's stories & perceptions of events.

This will be the site I "Dox myself" on sometime soon, but got to consider those I love (weird, never knew that can "Hurt"m it makes no sense to me I recognised "Love", I'm NOT completely emotionless.

Hug mum, get a brief flash of "Love" & gone" I felt the moment very low volume, auto immune response to "Emotion" & "Human Society" was toxic.
I hated MEN (Daddy issues?) & I FEARED women would see the wrongness inside me. All to young to remember the beginning, but by age 3, the damage was done, the dictionary set my ethics & then I found out Humans were NEVER to be trusted.

Set of two-faced lying bastards The entire fucking species & so I never tried to become human, b y suppressing my emotions & I can't ever remember. How do you form a memory without thinking about it.

I thought I was coping, the "Science" of TG I am very knowledgeable of, but "Overthinking" makes emotions worse.
Ages 2-3?, 14 & 60, today I "feel (Don't KNOW) these were the key "PTSD inducing trauma incidents"
only the last one got emergency intervention & my hero stepped up, "You're Overthinking It"

"How I get smarter" 1000s of times, this time he was right, that was the problem when emotions are involved.

Anyone who gets to "The End", will have been rereading my current perception for another 60 years more if I can squeeze the precious seconds of my only existence in this dance we call "Life, The Universe & Everything".

I will only write Those final LAST words with the last breath I will ever take.
I will be gone & forgotten, but my existence will become part of human history.
I want to live forever young like my online existence presents.
I really just NEED the perception of wrongness to FUCKING stop getting worse, can PTSD & CFS(TG) actually end my existence.
It feels like it's trying to, that's all I know.

Time to "SHUT THE FUCK UP UHURU", get some sleep.