All It Would Take

Fan Fiction Sequel of the 1986 movie Willy Milly

By Sasha Zarya Nexus

This fan fiction piece is based on the original work, Willy Milly aka Something Special; by Willy Milly Associates, Concorde, copyright 1985.. All original characters and plot lines are the property of the owners, and any resemblance to individuals either living or dead is coincidental. This piece is for entertainment purposes only and is not intended as a copyright infringement. No income is being derived from this fan fiction piece.

This fan fiction piece is based on the original work, Willy Milly aka Something Special; by Willy Milly Associates, Concorde, copyright 1985.. All original characters and plot lines are the property of the owners, and any resemblance to individuals either living or dead is coincidental. This piece is for entertainment purposes only and is not intended as a copyright infringement. No income is being derived from this fan fiction piece.

The summer in Atlanta is hot and muggy in Dunwoody where my parents grew up. Now my grandparents, Granny and Gramps Niceman, live in Clearwater, Florida. My parents and I live in my mother's childhood home.

Mother's best friend Stephanie still lives next door with her husband, Tom Winners. They have two children, Gary and his fraternal twin Lisa. I used to play with both of them but these days Lisa seems to be always at her friend Tina's house.

My friend Gary Winners and I like to mess around up in my room. It is such a neat room which has a window that opens up onto the roof. The roof has a flat portion, which had been customized by my mother, Milly, from when she was a girl, when this had been her room.

Milly's father had erected a fence around the outside edge of the roof. This was not because my mother had ever fallen off, but various things had tumbled off in the past.

"Hey, Wally! Come over here!" Gary called to me as he knelt over the floor of my closet. He had been down there collecting the pieces of my slot car track so we can set them up and race. I went over to find out what he wanted.

"Okay, Gary! What's up?"

"There's a loose board here! Do you have anything to pry it up?"

"Sure! Just a sec!" I go over to my desk drawer and pull out a large screwdriver. With it in hand, I go back to him and hand it to him.

"Will this work?"

He took a look at it and his face brightened. "This will do fine!"

As he pried up the board, I winced. I hoped that it won't leave scratches or gouges for me to explain. Within the space under the floor, there was a half-filled jar labeled "Naskapi Eclipse Powder" and a set of hand written instructions. Gary handed me the instructions while he looked at the jar contents.

Gary opened the jar and took a sniff inside. "The only thing this powder is good for is cleaning toilets!"

"Wow! Would you look at that! My mother must have put them in there when this was her room, ages ago. These instructions tell how to do something during a total eclipse of the sun. This doesn't look like Mom's handwriting. it looks more like a guy wrote it."

"Didn't Ken Cook, the weatherman from Fox Five, say that there was a total eclipse of the sun coming soon?"

"My mom put this neat astronomy program on my computer that tells things like that. We'll find out for sure."

I started my desktop computer, and clicked on the astronomy program. Mom had already put in our longitude and latitude so it knew where we are. She knows all kinds of things like that because she is an astronomer. My father, Dr. Alfred Bensdorf, who teaches at Georgia Tech and is doing research for NASA for their Manned Mars Expedition, knows some neat things too..

"There is going to be a total eclipse of the sun tomorrow at 7:21 PM. It will be years till there is another one in the area. That must be why Mother has been spending day and night over at the Fernbank Observatory, in the North Georgia mountains, getting ready for it."

"You're lucky because your mother trusts you to be alone without a keeper. My mother is at my house, running her internet business, most of the time. When she is gone, she makes Lisa in charge of me. That's so embarrassing"

"Yeah! It can be a bit much having your mother around all the time. I guess that's why I don't mind you spying on your mother to see what she is planning."

"It helps keep me out of trouble for sure!"

Ever since Gary found that old radio frequency scanner from his basement, we have used it to eavesdrop on the phones that both his mother and mine use in their home offices. It works because it came out before the new portable telephone frequencies began being used, I look at the instructions more and find something that I can't understand.

"What do you think the instructions mean when it says that if we follow them that we'll get our deepest darkest heart's desire?"

"For you, Wally, the way you are sometimes moping about because Lisa and her girlfriend Tina have snubbed you doing their girl things, I don't even want to think about. For me, I'd like to be a superhero like Spiderman."

"Gary, don't you miss playing with your sister even a little?"

"Not at all! I can't believe some of the things she talked you into, Wally. I'd never do any of those things in a million years."

"Are we going to do this thing then? Perform the ritual during the eclipse?"

"I think it would be neat. I can't wait to be a superhero! Count me in!!"

"Okay, I'll collect the things that we need to perform the ritual and have them ready for tomorrow."

"I think we should do it out on your roof. That seems to be the perfect place for it."

"That's cool! Tomorrow is when my father teaches that evening class so we won't be interrupted."

Gary's cell phone began to play the ring tone from the Iron Man movie. He looked at the phone screen and his face twisted up in annoyance as he answered the phone.

"Hello, Mom! What is it!"

"Can I come back after supper, please?"

"What about tomorrow? We want to watch the eclipse together on the roof!"

"Okay, okay! I'll be right there."

"Good bye, Mom!"

"Sorry, I gotta go. Mom wants me home for supper and then I have to go out with her shopping tonight, and tomorrow morning. Stuff for her work. We won't be done until after lunch, and then I can come over and we'll get ready to do the ritual."

"Okay! See you then!" I knew from experience that when Gary had to go out with his mother on one of these expeditions that he was never back when he thought. I knew that I would have to do all the preparations myself. Fortunately there was not all that much to prepare since the ritual itself was simple.

First I would have to pour out the Naskapi Eclipse powder into a circle as I chanted something like, "Namoona wanna Namoona Una" over and over again. Next at the four points of the compass I would have to place four elemental objects for earth, fire, water, and wind. We would have to lay in the circle for the duration of the eclipse in order for the ritual to work.

I collected from my room what I need. In fact, I recalled that those objects were things that my mother had kept from when she was a girl. For earth I had a potted plant that I had been very careful to keep growing. For fire I had an old Coleman lantern. For water, I had a jug of water that Mom insisted that I keep for emergencies in case the water went off, but it never had. For wind I had an antique fan that turns so freely that the blades rotate when the slightest puff of wind comes through the room.

With Mother away, the kitchen was mine! I went out the door to the outside and went down the stairs from my room that leads to the deck outside our kitchen. Once in the kitchen I took off the hook, my Granny's apron, which is hanging there, and carefully put it on. My father had bought steaks that he intended to grill outside when he got home to prepare supper for us. Instead I wanted to surprise him by having dinner waiting for him.

I fired up the gas grill to get it ready for the steaks. Next I went out into the garden and gathered a bouquet of fresh flowers. I cut and arranged them in the vase to be a centerpiece on the dining room table for our meal. I prepared the potatoes for baking in the microwave as I had seen my mother do so many times by using a fork to punch tiny holes in the peel and then wrapping them in plastic wrap and placing them in the microwave.

I turned my attention to the salad next. There are spinach leaves and iceberg lettuce leaves that I chopped up into bite-sized pieces and I took a cucumber from the refrigerator and washed, peeled and cubed it up. I sliced up some radishes and made thin small shreds of carrots using the vegetable peeler.

I set the table next with the exception of the glasses which I wanted to wait to finish until just before our meal. I went to check on the grill and it was up to temperature. I went back to the kitchen for the last bit of preparation.

Next I mixed those ingredients together till I had a dough which I rolled up into a long cylindrical shape. I pinched off with my fingers the right amount for each biscuit and shaped them with my hands and placed them into the buttered pan.

I looked at the time and if Daddy arrived like he usually did, it was time to set things into motion. I popped the biscuits into the oven, started the microwave, and put the steaks out on the grill. I moved between all of them, checking on them.

Finally the steaks were done and I took them up on a platter and placed them on the table. I brought the salad out from the fridge and placed it on the table. Next the baked potatoes were ready and I placed them on each of our plates.

Finally the biscuits were ready and I removed them from the oven and took them out upside down onto a plate. From the plate I transferred them to the bread basket and wrapped them up and laid it on the table.

I heard my father's key in the front door lock and I rushed to meet him, forgetting that I still had the apron on. My father looked around the room as he opened the door and observed my handiwork cleaning the house earlier. He looked down at me and smiles.

"Greetings, Wally! I am so glad to see you and the house looking this well after Milly left it in a disaster when she left. You'll make someone a good wife some day!" My father laughed at the joke that he had made.

"Oh Dad!" I rolled my eyes at him. "Dinner is ready! Come to the dining room and see!"

"You are full of surprises today! Why don't you take off that apron and we'll eat supper while it is hot."

"Thank you, Dad! Be right in!" I went to the kitchen and hung up Granny's apron back in its place and took my place at the table.

"Wally, this is amazing!" He pauses for a moment and so do I, as is our custom. Then he told me, "Let's eat!"

We filled our plates and have a wonderful supper. When we were finished, Dad took me out to Dairy Queen where we had our desserts. He had a Banana Split and I had a Hot Fudge Sundae.

While we were there, I asked him if Gary and I could camp out in my tent in the back yard overnight tomorrow and he agreed. I guessed asking at a good time really does give better results. Fortunately, there was not any rain in the forecast

Once we got back, I excused myself and go to my room where I got ready for bed. With all the cleaning and playing I had done that day, I was very tired and went right to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As Dad dropped me off, I wasn't thinking of all the good I could do by helping. Instead, I was looking forward to being with Lisa and Tina. They also help out since Tina's mother, Glenda, is the director of the community pantry.

When the community pantry closed at noon, Glenda would drive the three of us home. Glenda and her daughter Tina lives on the same side of our street, on the other side of Gary and Lisa's house.

Each of us took a box from the pile over to a table and began to sort the clothes and fold them. After they were folded someone would take them to the shelves where clothing was separated by size and gender. The patrons would go through and choose some clothing to meet their needs from the shelves.

"Wally, you fold clothes so well that you are going to make some lucky man a wonderful wife someday!", Tina teased gleefully

"That's just what my Dad said last night. I don't know why. I had only cleaned a little and had gotten Supper ready."

"Only?",Replied Lisa, "If I know you, the house was spotless and the dinner unbelievable! You do better at housework and cooking than your mother and even my mother!"

"I know you are exaggerating when you say I'm better than your mother. She makes your home a wonderful place to be. "

"I guess so, since my mother is such a domestic diva that everyone loves her books and that's what makes her internet business a success. But the way you love all that stuff, you have a whole lot in common with her, much more than me.", Lisa admitted.

"You do seem to have a lot more in common with Lisa and I. I'm glad we have this service project together! It's too bad that it is expected that you hang out with the boys and us with the other girls," said Tina as though she really empathized about my situation.

"Boys will be boys and girls will be girls and never the twain shall meet.", I turned my eyes up and blew some strands of hair that had fallen down near my eyes up as I let the air escape from my mouth in frustration. "I wish it could be the way it used to be."

"It's just a phase we are all going through, Wally! Really soon boys and girls will pair off," comforted Lisa.

"I guess that I will have to take solace in that." I resigned myself as I said it.

"Take heart, Wally! I just know you are going to be superior boyfriend material. The girls will all want you in their lives then.", encouraged Lisa.

"Okay, if you say so," I replied. "I'll believe it when I see it."

The rest of the time went too quickly and we were driven home by Tina's mother like usual. I had a lunch of sandwiches. As expected there was no Gary at the time that he had told me.

Instead since I had everything ready, I went up to my bedroom and turned on my computer. One of the things that I had gotten for my last birthday was a year's subscription to "World of Warcraft". I loved playing online and chatting with the people who were behind the other avatars.

On a lark when I first signed onto Warcraft, I had made my first avatar a human female priestess named Aislinn. Instead of knowing me as Wally, my friends in the game know me as Lynn.

We did audio-only chats at times but we never did video. While audio could go on transparent to the game, video would require taking away from the game environment. Audio-only helped preserve the illusion of me as Lynn. After it had gone on for a while, correcting their misconception about me would have been a lot more embarrassing, so I left things as they were.

I was lost in game-playing when Gary's entrance, out of breath, jarred me to reality and I signed off the game.

"I'm here! I'm here! You can quit fretting!" Gary told me.

"Oh Gary! I'm glad that you are here ... Finally!" I looked at the time and found that it was mere minutes away from the beginning of the eclipse. I led him through the window and onto the roof. I gathered the four icons and had Gary lie down in the center of where I was going to make the circle.

I felt silly as I poured out the powder in a circle and chanted, "Namoona wanna Namoona Una," repeating it over and over again.  All of a sudden Gary needed to go to the restroom so he left back through the window.

When he had returned, I had completed the circle except for a small area to allow him to enter and I had placed the elemental icons at the four directions. Once he was back and lying down, I lay down beside him and reached over and completed the circle as the eclipse began.

At first Gary was excited and was wondering which superhero he would turn into when the ritual was completed. Later he became listless and finally he just sat up and asked, "What is taking this friggin' eclipse so long?"

"Gary, stay down! The eclipse isn't total yet!"

"I've had enough of this!" Gary stood up and crossed the line and exited back through my bedroom window. I resolved not to worry about Gary and I lay in the circle by myself.

Finally the eclipse reached totality and I felt something go right through me but nothing else was apparent. It tried even my patience to wait just as long after totality for the darkness to vanish completely from the sky, but I wanted to take no chances.

When I was sure the eclipse was totally over, I went to find Gary and he had finished getting camp set up in the back yard. The tents were up and our sleeping bags were rolled out and ready for us.

We even had a campfire pit and of course I was in charge of cooking supper for the two of us. All we had were beanie wienies but that tasted like a gourmet meal to us when it was cooked outside on the campfire.

We got into our sleeping bags and soon Gary was asleep and I was hovering close to sleep myself. In that twilight before sleep had taken me I was aware of Gary's mother Stephanie's voice coming over our phone scanner. Hazily, I wondered if the stupid old scanner was glitching again, because I could only hear her side of the conversation.

"Milly! Thanks for finally returning my call! I know you were busy but this might be an emergency!"

That word "emergency" was enough to jolt me awake.

"You've got to come home now! I saw Wally and Gary up on your roof during the eclipse."

"I thought so too, but then, after the eclipse, I looked over and noticed that they had a circle drawn in powder on the roof!"

"I don't think they were making observations; I think they were doing the Naskapi Eclipse Ritual!"

"You shouldn't have left it anywhere in your old room! You didn't hide it well enough! Wally must have found the powder and the instructions!"

"There was all the other stuff up there too! The same stuff we used!"

"I don't think Gary was up there for the whole time. I remember he was back in the house even before totality, complaining he was bored. Just like I got bored way back when. Wally stayed up there for the entire eclipse, though."

"Wally seems fine now but I believe that he'll have a surprise when he wakes up, just like you did."

"They're in your back yard camping out. Alfie okayed it, I checked."

"I know Wally already has one but the imagine all the other kinds of surprises he could have. What do you suppose is his deepest darkest heart's desire?"

"Whatever it is, we'll get through this together."

"You're welcome. Safe trip home. Bye bye."

After that, I didn't hear anything else, so I decided to go back to sleep. As I drifted off, I wondered what kind of surprise did my mother get, and what would I wake up to in the morning? What I really wanted was to be a girl.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Click! "... and that was Clay Aiken with his latest song on Q100 all the hits radio.  Next comes a shout out from Alfie to Milly, 'Love is coming home with me tonight.' and their song request, Michael Damien's "One Change in my Life" :

"Just when I know who I am,

I wish I was somebody else.

Just when I figure it out,

I get another whiff of myself.

In life comes learning too, lots.

I get the feeling like I'm yearning inside.

~

One change in my life,

That's all it would take.

One change in my life,

To put the pieces in place.

One step at a time,

For now I'll just wait.

One change in my life,

That's all it would take.

~

I stay up every night,

And listen to the radio.

I look up to the sky,

And wonder if I will ever know.

What's life like outside of me?

If I had other eyes what would I see?

~

One change in my life,

That's all it would take.

One change in my life,

To put the pieces in place.

One step at a time,

For now I'll just wait.

One change in my life,

That's all it would take.

~

It doesn't matter what on earth I've achieved

There's always something that I'd rather be.

~

One change in my life,

That's all it would take.

One change in my life,

To put the pieces in place.

One step at a time,

For now I'll just wait.

One change in my life,

That's all it would take."

I still wasn't awake and my body did not feel right and what was all this hair and why did my PJ shirt stick out oddly like that. I had to make it to the bathroom inside was all I knew so I sleepwalked to the bathroom and sat down on the toilet like I usually do. And it wasn't there! From my mouth came the highest pitched scream, I had ever heard.

"What's wrong, Wally? Did something attack you?"

"Mom! It's not there anymore. I can't pee."

"Sweetheart, get up and open the door for me. You've just had a surprise. We'll get through this."

I got up and opened the door and let Mom in to the bathroom.

"See Mom.  It's gone! I can't pee now."

"Sure you can sweetheart. Just sit on the toilet and relax and all the urine will fall out the way it always does only it will come from another place."

I did as Mom asked and a flood of urine fell into the toilet.

I finished and was about to get some toilet paper when Mom told me, "Wipe from front to back only now and use a new piece or part of the paper each time you wipe. Things have changed so the way you take care of yourself will have to change too."

I did as she told me and then I pulled up my PJ bottoms and stood up in front of the toilet.

"How did you know that I could pee with it gone, Mom?"

"Wally, you are made like a girl now. Instead of what is missing you have a vagina like all other girls have and a place on your bottom where urine runs out. Your privates are inside you instead of outside of you like they used to be."

"Huh? How do you know that Momma?"

"Stephanie saw you and Gary do the Naskapi Ritual with the powder that I left in my old bedroom which is your bedroom now. Gary left the circle so only you got your deepest darkest heart's desire which for you must be for you to be a girl. Can you be brave for me? You have a couple of surprises yet to discover."

"I'll be brave, Mom. What are the surprises?"

"Come to the mirror and take off your PJ top."

Mom had always called it a shirt before so with it being called a top like a girl wore, I wondered what was underneath it. I unbuttoned the 'top' and saw what was holding my PJ 'top' up.

I had what I used to call gazongas when I saw them on girls but now that they were part of me, I preferred to think of it as my bosom. Staring back at me in the mirror with her top open showing her bosom was a very beautiful girl with blond hair and blue eyes like I used to have only all girly now. She had curves and seemed very graceful. On top of it all I had to admit to myself that she was me.

" I really am a girl now, aren't I, Mom? You seem to be taking this all a little better than I would expect."

"Yes you really are a girl now, sweetie. I'm taking it in stride because when I was your age something like this happened to me when I used the same ritual. I'll tell you more about that later in hopes that my experience will help you get through your's. Before the rest of the house finds out about this, I'm going to call your Granny. She was a big help to me when I had my surprise and I hope she will be able to help me help you."

"Sure Mom! I'm calm now that I know what is going on and I am fully awake. Can I come with you while you call Granny Niceman?"

"Sure Sweetie, Come into the kitchen and you can have a bowl of cereal while I call."

I followed Mom into the kitchen. While she picked up the telephone, I picked up my Captain Crunch and Milk and was happily eating. At least that had not changed even though my lips seemed a bit bigger than they had before.

"Mom, It's Milly! I have a ... Surprise!"

"No not me this time, It's Wally, she's your granddaughter now."

"No I haven't told Alfie yet. She only just discovered the change a few minutes ago."

"That would be so wonderful if you and Dad could come up and help me deal with this."

"Do you think that I should take her to a doctor?"

"Well the ones that you took me to were mainly useless in solving it since they decided I had it all the time and had not noticed it."

"That's true, that having medical evidence of her new status can help getting her records sorted."

"I may need the kind of paperwork magic that Dad was able to pull off when he thought I had become the son he always wanted."

"I'm sure that you will convince him its the right thing, Mom. You always do"

"Give my love to Daddy and call me from the airport when you find out when your flight is getting into Hartsfield Jackson"

"I love you too, Momma. Bye for now"

I had finished my cereal and was looking intently at Mom after she hung up the phone. "Is Granny Niceman coming?"

"Yes, Sweetie and your Granps too only he doesn't know it yet. When the Doctor's office hours start, we'll need to get you to a Doctor just to make sure everything about you is alright. It will be helpful to have a medical opinion to support what ever you want to do in the future."

"It's going to be kinda hard covering up the fact that I'm a girl now. I look like a girl even in my boy's pajamas."

"As your Gramps said in my case long ago, 'We'll just take things one step at a time and everything will fall into place.' Don't worry about what will be hard to do, Wally. Just decide what is best for you and we will take care of everything else to make what ever you decide work out."

"Okay, Mom. I guess I want to get dressed and I had better do it in my bedroom instead of out in the tent like I had planned. Would t-shirt, shorts and tennis shoes be okay, Mom?"

"Sure that's fine Sweetie. I guess we will have to go shopping later to get you some appropriate clothes if you decide to try out being a girl publicly. If you want to remain a boy publicly, then we'll have to get some special stuff to help cover up the changes in your body as best we can."

"Thank's Mom! I want to tell Gary what happened. He's my best friend and he'll keep the secret what ever I choose."

"I'm proud of you for wanting to do that Sweetie. If you need help explaining things to Gary you can send him to me and I will help explain the best that I can."

"Thanks, Mom!"

I went up to my bedroom to start the day in a way that I had never ever started a day before. I showered of course and found out exactly why girls are different from boys. Strangely enough I felt at ease in my new body as though it was the body that I was meant to have all along.

It seemed a shame to dress such a wonderful curvy body in my old underwear. It was a bit scratchy and then I put on my T-shirt and shorts. I put on my socks and after I attempted to put on my shoes, I found out that they were too big and I stuffed some TP in the toes to make them fit better.

So what was I going to do about it all? I went to my bulletin board and decided to let fate settle it for me. My name was on the board which was inherited from my Mom's furnishings in the room. The letters were cut out of construction paper and held in the center of the letter by a thumbtack.

The W which had been an M, both L's and the Y originally spelled out Mom's name Milly. Momma cut out an A in the same style as all the letters and spelled out my name on the board. Now I would spin the W and see if it ended up staying a W when it stopped or changed back into an M.

I spun the letter and it rapidly went round and round and it stopped finally as an M spelling out Mally. I had not heard of a Mally but I knew a few Molly's and I liked the name.

I got some construction paper and scissors and cut out an O and replaced the A. Now my name spelled out Molly! I had made my decision! I was going to be Molly! I was going to try out being a girl!

I found Mom in the kitchen and told her, "These clothes don't fit anymore and the underwear is scratchy. I've come to a decision, though. I want to try out being a girl. I'd like to be called Molly if that's okay"

"Sure Molly. If you don't mind one more person knowing about you right now, I imagine that Lisa's clothes would fit you nicely. I could call over there and see if Lisa could bring some of her things for you to use till we went shopping for you>"

"That would be great, Mom. Oh fiddlesticks, I need to go tell Gary what happened before he comes looking for me. I could 'break the bomb' with Gary and then come back in so Lisa can help me."

"That's a great plan, Molly. Good luck with telling Gary. See you soon."

"Bye, Mom!"

I left the house and went out into the backyard. It had seemed like ages to me since I had gotten up but it really wasn't that long ago. Gary should be just getting up if he slept in like he usually did.

I seemed to be right because as I walked over, he was emerging from the tent. I decided to let him speak first since it was obvious what had happened.

"Hey You! Where did you disappear to? I was about to..."

His jaw dropped as he really took a look at me with my long hair, bust, hips and narrow waist.

"What the f....."

His voice dropped down to nothing. His eyes brightened as though a light went on in his brain,

"You aren't going to fool me with that disguise Wally!"

With one hand he pulled my hair and yanked and my head went with it and the other hand grabbed a hold of my bust and snatched at it pulling my chest that way as well. As it set in that both my hair and bust were real, Gary shoved me to the ground yelling at the top of his lungs.

"Freak!"

He ran back to his house faster than I had ever seen him run.

Fortunately, the skin did not seem to be broken even though I was sure that I would have some bumps and bruises. Mom had heard Gary's scream and had come running to me.

As I lay on the ground, I thought that could have been gone better as I hurt from being grabbed and tossed down. The tears flowed freely with the hurt of realizing that I had lost my best friend outweighing the physical hurt that I felt at the time. Mom hugged me and rocked me in her arms as I cried.

"Are you okay, Molly?"

I nodded yes as I could not stop crying it seemed until finally I cried myself out. I smiled a weak smile.

"That could have gone better. I can see now that I should not have surprised him."

"That was not your fault, Molly! Just because he was shocked did not excuse his behavior."

"He hates me now, Mom. I could see it in his eyes. I've lost my best friend."

"Molly, you don't know that yet. People do a lot of hurtful things when they are shocked or surprised. Do you think you can make it inside, Molly? Lisa should be here and at least you can get into some more comfortable clothes that fit."

"Yes, Mom! I can do that! More clothes sounds wonderful!"

I got up with Mom's help and together we two walked in to the house from the back yard. Lisa was standing just beyond the patio doors and she gave me a hug as I came through the door.

"Molly, I am so sorry about the way my brother treated you! I hope you'll let me help you."

"Lisa, I am so glad you are willing to help me. I need all the help that I can get."

"Girls, you can go to Molly's room and see if you can come up with a better outfit for Molly than what she has on."

I giggled, "That should be easy since anything will be better than this."

"Molly, I am going to be able to do amazing things with you. You've turned into quite a beauty."

"Thanks Lisa. I am looking forward to getting comfortable."

Before I could lead the way into my bedroom, the phone rang and Mom motioned for us to stay while she answered the phone.

"Hello Stephanie!"

"Yes, She's here. --- Molly, Stephanie would like to speak with you."

I took the phone and spoke to Mrs. Winners who always insisted that I call her Stephanie.

"Hello Stephanie, This is Molly."

"Molly, I'm glad to meet the new you and I wish it were a more pleasant time for you."

"Thank you Stephanie. I'm okay so far."

"Do you feel up to talking to Gary, Sweetie? I'd like for him to apologize to you and I felt like it would be easier for you on the phone. Is it okay? Can I put Gary on the phone?"

"It's okay, Stephanie.; We all got a big surprise this morning. I'm glad that you and mother are not freaking. Why is that anyway?"

"Your mother and I did the ritual when we were teens. She was the only one to go all the way."

"Mother was originally a boy like me?" I guessed.

"Not exactly. Ask her since she is dying to tell you the whole story now. If you are ready I'll put Gary on."

"I'm ready. Stephanie".

"Mother tells me you are called Molly now. Is that right?"

"Yes Gary, I'm sorry that I surprised you."

"Molly, I am the one who is sorry. I acted really bad. I never should have treated you like that no matter what I thought. I did not mean what I said. Now I know that it was the ritual that did it and you had no control of what happened. I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me."

:"I forgive you, Gary! I'm okay now, honest."

"Thank you, Molly. I hope you find happiness in your new life. Good bye"

"Goodbye, Gary"

I hung up the phone. I was glad for the apology but his saying goodbye sounded like goodbye forever to me.

"I guess I can get into some more comfy clothes now. Thanks Mom."

Mom called, "You are welcome, Molly."

Mom watched us turn away toward my bedroom as I led Lisa to my room. Once the door was closed behind us, Lisa teared up and started crying and I hugged her for comfort. I started crying too and let out a lot of emotion that had still been bottled up inside. Lisa came up for air, at last.

"Molly, can you ever forgive me for not including you in things. I recognize it now that you were a girl then too and you only looked like a boy on the outside. When my mother told me that you had become a girl magically, I still did not believe it."

"I didn't believe it at first either but Momma did and she helped me."

"Molly, I dug out my clothes that looked most like a little girl would wear them, things I had been given as gifts. I wanted to embarrass you with them. When I see you now standing there like that, like a girl would and not just a guy wearing a girl's body.& I'm ashamed about the way I've acted. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, then I will try to be the best friend to you that I can."

"Lisa, how could you know? I did not realize it myself until the ritual was all over and I found myself wishing after the effect had occurred that I would wake up a girl somehow. The clothes will be fine all I care about is that they will be more comfortable than my boy clothes which I will be glad to box up because I don't want to wear any of them if they all feel as icky as these feel now."

"That's really large of you to understand like that, Molly. I don't want you to look silly now."

Now that I am clued in I can just wear one of the first outfits we buy, out of the store. It might be fun to dress up like a little girl for a little bit. Don't forget that I missed out on all the little girl stuff because it was not appropriate to who they thought that I was. It will be fun. What did you bring me.?"

"I'm not going to show you, Molly. Instead I am going to get some clothes that will be right for you, now. I'm not going to let a friend of mine look foolish out in public. Maybe, you could find out more about what happened to your mother and that might give you a clue how to proceed. I'll donate those clothes I was about to make you wear and maybe a little girl who doesn't have nice things will appreciate them."

"Thank you for being my friend, Lisa! Hurry back! I still want to get out of these boy clothes!"

"I'll be back really soon, Molly."

I walked Lisa to the door and she disappeared out it. When I closed it and turned back, I saw my mother in front of me.

"Molly, where is Lisa going and why are you still in boy's clothes?"

"Momma, Lisa did not get that I had become a young lady and she brought clothes for a little girl. She said that she did not want a friend of hers going out in something that she would be embarrassed in, so she went back home to bring some more age appropriate clothing. Momma, could you tell me what happened to you when you did the ritual?"

"Sure, Molly. I'll be glad to tell you. Why don't we go into the kitchen and we can make some of those chocolate chip cookies that you love. I learned it from my mother and I am glad to have a chance to pass it on to you, Molly."

"Oh Momma, that would be wonderful! Thank you."

Momma and I went into the kitchen and she began to collect all the ingredients for the cookies and explained why each were picked to go into the mix. Step by step she explained how to add everything in the mixing bowl and how long to mix it until the consistency of the cookie dough was achieved.

Next she taught me how to squeeze out the dough into cookie size portions and to fill the baking trays with them. Finally it was into the oven and while we waited for the cookies to bake, Momma began to tell me the story.

"I guess it started with Stephanie and I at a dance at our high school. In those days, a girl asking a boy to dance was unheard of. The boys our ages had begun to be interested in us girls but were clueless on approaching us."

"I was so tired of waiting around for a boy to ask me so I decided to be like a boy and ask one of them to dance. I was so tongue tied that all I managed to get out was a series of unintelligible noises. I was embarrassed and left Stephanie all alone at the dance. "

"I guess that even with girls being able to do things thought at one time only boys could do, It still is difficult for boys and girls to talk. I know that I would never have opened my heart to Lisa as Wally the way I can as Molly."

"Communication always can be difficult since boys don't mature as fast as girls do usually. What made matters worse is that when I walked in, it was in the middle of a conversation that my parents were having with Daddy having Momma up in his arms as though he was about to carry her to bed. All I heard was Momma saying, ' What if its not a boy, Fred?"

"Oh my goodness, I guess that encouraged you to wish you were a boy if that's what Gramps wanted."

I knew that Daddy had wanted me to be both a boy. He still held onto some old fashioned ideas about what was right for girls was different for what was right for boys. It was the last straw for me so I went up the stairs past them and up to my room."

"I would have wanted to get away from that too, Momma."

"A bit later I had changed out of my dance dress and into a shirt and shorts. I had some astronomical readings that I wanted to make so with my instruments in hand I went for the door but I never made it there."

"I'm glad that you and Daddy are not like that. You never stopped me from doing things that a girl usually might do. You let me do and be the person that I felt that I was."

"It's because of some of the mistakes my father made with me that we were a lot more permissive with you. I wonder if you had more of a chance to fit in as a boy your age, if you would be standing before me as my daughter."

"It was my deepest darkest heart's desire and that had nothing to do with changing so I could do something but only who I felt that I was deep down. What happened next. Momma?"

"Daddy asked me what I was doing going out. I told him I was going out to take measurements in the night sky. Daddy told me that he did not feel it was right for me to be traipsing about the neighbor hood at that hour of the night. I asked him how I could be an astronomer if I could not go out at night."

"What was Gramps answer to that? Didn't he realize that astronomy was to be your life's work?"

"Daddy suggested that I get a daytime hobby. I questioned him that he called my life's passion a hobby and said that if I ware a boy he would treat me seriously. I had lost and Daddy prevailed so I could not leave via the front door."

"Momma I'm sorry that Gramps didn't help. What did you do then?"

"I had another exit reachable from my window access to the roof. I climbed down the ladder which spanned the space from roof to ground. My binoculars slipped from my hands and fell on the ground and broke. I made it to the ground and picked them up heart broken. I needed the binoculars with the special filters to make my measurements."

"I'm sorry your binoculars broke, Momma. Nothing was going right for you that evening."

"One thing went right. Stephanie found me on the ground after coming back alone from the dance. I told Stef that my binoculars were broken as if that summed up everything that had gone wrong. She told me that Malcolm would have something and led me to the basement of her house."

"Who was Malcolm?"

"Malcolm is Stephanie's younger brother. You don't know him because he disappeared before you were old enough to know him. In those days he was something of a Yankee Trader who miraculously came up with any item someone wanted . He had somewhat of an emporium set up in the basement of Stephanie's house."

"We looked through the basement looking for Malcolm, on the shelves were mundane items from all aspects of southern life and then there were a few others mixed in that were either very valuable or rare. One never knew what to expect as the inventory changed with each visit to Malcolm's basement."

"Wow, Momma, that sounds like it was a real treasure trove. Did you find Malcolm?"

"I remember seeing Malcolm appear from around the next corner as we walked through the basement among the shelves. Malcolm was about 5 foot tall and he dressed more like a southern gentleman than a boy. Behind his piecing blue eyes, there lurked a superior intelligence but when you heard his voice then you were put at ease because his maturity was cloaked in a vocabulary and vocal inflection that matched the boy he was supposed to be."

"He sounds like a very interesting person, Momma. I wish I had met him."

"I remember that conversation very vividly. It went like this:"

'Malcolm, I broke my binoculars.'

"He reached around and pulled out a pair of binoculars which were close to identical to mine except that they were even better and they seemed the next model up from mine."

'Will these do?'

'Yes! I don't suppose that you have a orthochromatic filter. It is hard to explain what it is.'

"I had no real expectation that he would be able to replace that too. Low and behold he produced two of them."

'Yellow or orange?'

'Yellow!'

" I took the yellow filter from him and with glee saw that it fit exactly on the binoculars. I had what I had come for but with Malcolm there was always something else with his deals."

'How much do I owe you, Malcolm?'

"He didn't tell me but instead told me about a special and handed me a bottle full of powder labeled Neskapi Eclipse Powder."

'I've got a special if you're interested..'

'No Malcolm, I've got to go!'

'During the eclipse of the sun, if you spread the powder into a circle and lie inside it, you'll get your deepest darkest heart's desire.'

"Stephanie looked at the powder and poured a little into her hand and sniffed it."

'The only thing this stuff is good for is for cleaning toilets, Milly.'

"That was the powder that I found in your room but it was half empty when I found it, Momma."

"I used the other half to perform the eclipse ritual when I was a girl your age. But getting back to what Malcolm was saying he continued his sales pitch for his special."

'It comes my own written instructions and a guarantee.'

'I've really got to go, Malcolm! How much is everything?'

'For everything, five dollars.'

'Malcolm, I'm your sister!'

'All right, three dollars. But you don't get the guarantee!'

"Malcolm told me that with a smirk as he took back the guarantee from my hand. I looked at the jar of powder and the instructions and imagined the possibilities. I guess I should have paid the five dollars in hindsight, but for then I was glad to get out with my new binoculars and orthochromatic filter. I decided that I would do the ritual and see what happened."

"What happened when you did the ritual, Momma?"

The next day found a lot of folks in the park waiting for the eclipse. Stephanie and I were on the roof outside my bedroom window. For the ritual, I used a fan for air, a lantern for fire, a potted plant for earth and gallon jug of water for water placed at the compass points after the circle was completed."

"Did anything happen while you were waiting for the eclipse to complete?"

"Just boredom. The eclipse took so long to complete that Stephanie who had been with me in the circle left the circle and back into my bedroom and down and out of the house."

"Did you give up? I know that I stayed in the circle for a very long time while I waited for the eclipse yesterday"

"I wanted to complete the ritual. I stayed in the circle through totality until the sun was back shining as normal. I didn't feel any different when I left the circle but I still believed something would happen and that the effect had been somehow delayed."

Before I could ask Momma what came next, Lisa was back with a clothing bag which had some hanger tops visible at the end and another small suitcase that she was rolling behind her.

"I have what you need now to get dressed, Molly. Can we go to your room?"

"Go ahead Molly, we can finish talking about this later. You really ought to get into something that is more comfortable."

"Thanks Momma. That's what we will do. Lisa, let's go to my room."

"Thanks, Molly! Bye Mrs. Bensdorf."

Once more Lisa and I went to my room this time I led behind me the suitcase while Lisa carried the clothing bag which she hung in my closet. Once we were both inside, I closed the door to my room.

"Molly, If you want to go for jeans and a t-shirt, that won't be too different from what you are used to wearing. The underwear, bra and panties are different but you are different too."

"Lisa, I don't want to draw this out where I will fret over every little addition of something girly later. Let's get me ready to be as girly as we can manage, so I can get used to it all at one time. "

"Are you sure, Molly? This will be different than anything that you ever experienced before."

"I'm sure, Lisa. How should we start?"

"A bubble bath would be nice first. Molly. Here is my favorite bubble bath, body wash, shampoo and conditioner."

She gave them to me with a smile.

"I'm sure you will appreciate them. When you get out pat yourself dry and then put on this bra, panty and robe and come see me. I'll help you get dressed."

"Looks like you have everything provided!; Thanks Lisa. I really believe I will enjoy this!"

And I did as I was directed and I enjoyed my bubble bath. When I got out, I wrapped my now long hair up in one towel like a turban and used another to pat myself dry. I noticed that my skin was a lot more sensitive now so It did not pay to be rough with it. Putting on the bra and panty was not as weird as I might have thought because they fit just right.

Doing the bra right was the most challenging. It seemed natural to place my arms through the straps first then fasten the band behind me in back. I wondered how to get my boobs into the cups just right but I bent at the waist and let them hang down into the cups which I adjusted the fit till they filled them just right then straightened up.

I looked at my image in the mirror with my robe on and staring back at me was a beautiful girl! I could not believe it to be real but I had to trust the evidence of my own eyes. I could not help but let out a gasp and a squeal when I discovered that this was me!

Lisa burst through the door. "Molly are you alright?"

"Lisa, I'm sorry for startling you. I'm fine. I just can't get over it again. I really am a girl now!"

"Yes you are, Molly. I and everyone else who cares about you are going to help you get used to being this way. I hope that you will accept our help and enjoy learning about your new body."

"I do want to let you help me Lisa. I guess it will just take time for the newness of this to really wear off. Just as soon as I think I have a handle on it, something else sets me off. Thank you, Lisa"

"You are welcome, Molly. I guess the next thing is to help you get dressed. After that I will help you fix your hair and makeup."

" Okay, what comes next?"

"Slip this over your head and hold up your arms so you can find the arm holes and put your head through the neck hole. It's a slip and it helps your dress to not be so transparent that it can be seen through and it also feels good next to your skin."

Lisa handed me some silky and gauzy material and it fit just fine like an under dress like girls wore in the middle ages. I slipped it on just like she said and it did fine.

"I love the feel of this, Lisa. What's next?"

"Your dress and you put it on the same way as the slip. I've already unzipped it in the back and when you have it on I'll zip you up."

The dress was really easy to put on and it seemed like it would fit snugly once the zipper was zipped.

"Okay. zip me up!"

Lisa did so and she made sure that my long hair was pulled free of both the dress and the slip before finishing it. She turned me around back to the mirror and I saw a pretty teen girl in a pink dress and I could not see through it so the slip was doing its job too. And that girl was me!

She sat me down and handed me a pair of panty hose. She showed me how to roll them up to the toes on both legs then to start at the toes and roll them up my legs to put them on. I stood to finish it up while Lisa held my dress.

"Wouldn't it have been easier if I had put on my panty hose before my slip and dress?"

"Yes, it would be, Molly. Now you are thinking like a girl! It isn't enough to learn what to do but also why you do it in order for you to cope with new situations that you have not encountered yet."

"There's so much to learn about girl's clothes!"

Girls get to wear a lot more varied clothes than boys do and you'll be expected to know how to adjust to put things on. If it looks really complicated then it is okay to ask because its better to ask than to embarrass yourself by getting it wrong."

"Thanks for the lesson, Lisa. What's next?"

"I got you some one inch heel pumps. Not only do heels get your legs looking good but they help get us in the right frame of mind to walk like women walk."

I slipped on the heels and stood them them fairly easily.

"That's good Molly! Take smaller steps and walk with both feet along a straight line in the middle. You want to be 'grounded' that is relaxed so much that you feel your connection to the ground when you step so that your bottom is loose enough to naturally sway instead of you trying to force it to swing back and forth."

It was a lot to think about. I got the smaller steps and walking relaxed and feeling grounded first. Lisa smiled as I walked up and down from one end of the room to the other. I finally added having each foot strike a line through my middle going forward but it did not feel exactly right because I was looking down to make sure my feet were moving right.

"Molly, remember while you are relaxing to stand up straight with your shoulders back and your boobs pointing up. Don't worry about watching your feet. You'll feel it if you are walking the straight line without looking down."

I tried adding what Lisa suggested to what I had been doing right. I felt that I was moving well and gracefully. I was so glad that she did not have me trying to balance a book on my head since I had enough to think about at first. After a bit more practice, I quit having to think about everything. I just moved naturally and that ended up being the way that Lisa was teaching me to walk.

"My but you are a fast learner, Molly. Your walk passes inspection. You are moving like a girl would instead of how a boy would. How does having that low cut neckline feel?"

"It's a bit different. When I walk, I have air flowing around me in ways that I'm not used to wearing a top."

"And how about the length of your skirt?"

"It's a bit short but it feels good to have my legs free to move without being in pants."

Lisa dropped a book on the floor beside me as I was walking across the room, It startled me so I stopped where I was.

"Oh Molly, I'm sorry to startle you. Would you pick up that book for me?"

I suspected she was testing me so I thought a second before saying yes.

"Sure, Lisa"

Being in a dress was a bit different, I naturally moved one hand to partially hide my neck line. Instead of bending down at the waist as I would have done in pants, I instead bent at my knees and went straight down. I was able to reach down and pick up the book from the floor with my other hand and I brought the book up to my bosom holding it cradled there in my arm to also partially hide my cleavage. Then I rose straight up back on my heels and when I was standing again I offered the book to Lisa.

"Did I pass the test?"

"With flying colors. You did that effortlessly, Molly. How did you manage that? "

"I didn't want to bend over so someone would be able to look up my dress or let someone look down my neckline. That seemed to be the polite way to pick it up."

"You have some very good instincts about being a girl already. I'm curious about how you do shopping."

"Thanks Lisa. What about my hair and makeup?"

"Come to the desk and I'll brush your hair back and out of the way for now. It's long enough so it doesn't look too bad but you really need a haircut to style it right. We'll do the basics of makeup. but not too much till you get a chance to get a makeover. You'll be shown what is best for you at the department store cosmetic counter."

I watched in the mirror that she had set on my desk as she applied foundation blush and lipstick to my face. It seemed simple enough that when she removed it and gave them to me to do on my own, I matched what she had done. It was obvious that I would look a lot more striking with eye makeup on but I guessed that would have to wait for the department store for more.

"It looks wonderful the way you did it, Lisa. How do you feel that I did?"

"Very artistic, Molly. You'll pass for the shopping trip. You know enough so that you won't be completely clueless when learning from the cosmetician. I'll just brush your hair back out and we can go out and show you to your Mother."

Lisa brushed my hair out and I liked what I saw in the mirror with the entire effect.

"Thank you Lisa!"

"You are welcome, Molly. Let's show your Mother now."

"Okay"

Lisa and I went back to where my mother was waiting on us. Momma took one look at me and then gave me a big hug.

"How do you feel, Sweetie?"

"I feel good, Momma. It's very different from what I'm used to but I'm getting used to it and becoming comfortable. The big plus is that everything fits well now and I look alright at least to me."

"You look wonderful, Molly. You look nice too, Lisa. Why don't you girls join me in eating the cookies that Molly and I made earlier. They have been cooling on the racks long enough after I took them out of the oven that they should be wonderful with some milk. I know that Molly likes chocolate milk with her cookies. What kind of milk do you like with cookies, Lisa?"

"Mrs. Bensdorf, I like chocolate milk too!" I looked over at Lisa as she looked over at me and we both grinned at each other. Somehow I felt that I had found a true friend who would be with me through anything in Lisa."

"Molly, I can't get over how much you look like I did when I was your age except with your father's genes too you are even more striking and beautiful than I was then. I've been doing some thinking since you both have been gone and before we leave, I feel like I should talk to you about what I have in mind."

"What is it Momma?"

"When Malcolm changed me with the ritual, I did not feel too anxious about it because I knew that if things really went wrong, even without any guarantee that he'd be there to fix things. Now though, Malcolm has not been seen for years. There isn't even any thing like Stephanie's basement where he's known to store things now."

"I guess I jumped into something that I didn't understand. What was it? Magic?"

"You've tapped into some very powerful magic. If you decide you want to go back at some point, I can't see any way for you to do so."

"Momma, I can't think of anything that I would rather be, than to be your daughter."

"You are going to be my daughter, Molly, for the rest of your life. So when we go shopping for you, Molly, it wont be just for a lark. You will be wearing these clothes for as long as they will fit you. When we get you a girl's haircut then that's what you will be wearing till it grows out or is cut again. This is for real and for keeps."

"Momma, I'm ready to be your daughter, Molly, for always. I'll take our shopping seriously because I know I will be wearing these clothes for a while till I outgrow them."

"I'll help her and you shop for her, Mrs. Bensdorf. Together we can come up with something that Molly will be satisfied wearing once she understands things better about being a girl."

"Thank you Molly and Lisa. Molly what kind of hair style are you thinking about?"

"I think for now just long hair with the ends trimmed and with bangs would be alright. That would give me the most options to get it styled differently once I know what kind of style is what I really want."

"That's a good choice, dear. We have an appointment for you to get 'the works' at my salon late this afternoon. We'll shop for you a good basic wardrobe, Molly. Lisa will help me pick out some things to supplement it that the girls your age are wearing now. We'll save both space in your closet and money in the budget for you to pick up some things that you discover that you really want later."

"Thank you, Mother, for not keeping the consequences from me. It's still a great adventure but the stakes are a bit higher since this can be for the rest of my life."

"I don't want to overly worry you, sweetie. Malcolm isn't dead as far as I know. He just has not been seen in a long time. He may come to your rescue if he can and you need him to but it is good that you prepare for the possibility that you are stuck like this."

"Not only will I learn how to be your daughter, Momma, but I will also make you proud of me too."

"I'm already proud of you, sweetie. You are my child and that won't change ever and neither will my unconditional love for you."

"Thank you, Momma! What about going to see the Doctor?"

"I have an appointment for that too after we finish at my salon. Our purpose for getting you to the doctor right now is confirmation that your previous records are now in error. It's better that you will be more comfortable being a girl, so there will be no ambiguity about their diagnosis."

"We want them to say I'm a girl now and that the doctors goofed on my birth certificate that says I'm a boy. Are we ready to go now to the Mall, Momma?"

"Yes, sweetie!; Lisa, your mother will be joining us at the Mall and she'll take you home when Molly and I go to my salon."

"Thank you Mrs. Bensdorf. Told you your Momma would be okay with you, Molly!"

"You were so right, Lisa. I'm glad that I am getting so much help fitting in. What do you feel we should be looking for to round out my wardrobe?"

Lisa came over and started whispering in my ear and I smiled and nodded. Momma escorted us both outside and into the car. I had half expected once we left the house for Momma to try to block view of me in my dress from the view of the neighbors.

She had the idea that we had nothing to be ashamed of and that the sooner that the neighbors knew that she had a daughter the better. Once we were all inside the car, Momma started it and we drove off in good spirits to the mall.

"Momma, you said that you did not change immediately and that's what happened to me too.  How did you spend that night after the eclipse and the ritual?"

"Of course, Stephanie spent the night with me in my bedroom. We always have been best friends for as long as I can remember. We took every chance to spend time together either at my house or over at hers."

"Mrs. Bensdorf, do you feel it would be okay if Molly and I could have a sleep over together tonight at your house?"

"That's fine with me, Lisa. We can check with your mother when we meet up with her and set it up. How do you feel about that, Molly? Your first girl's slumber party! "

"That is a great idea, Momma. Thank you Lisa for wanting to spend the night with me. Momma, what happened on your slumber party that night with Stephanie?

"Everything was okay as we had our fun and whispered into the night and we both finally fell asleep. I woke early in the morning uncomfortable and with the feeling that something had changed. I got up and went to the table lamp on my chest of drawers and turned on the light and took a peek down the front of my pajama bottoms."

"Ut Oh! What did you see?"

"It looked different there so I reached down there and touched it and found that it was both real and attached to my body. I rushed over to wake Stephanie, so she could help me figure it out. I remember almost exactly our conversation next:

'Stephanie ... Stephanie ... Stephanie...'

'What time is it?"

'Wake up!  Come here!' I helped Stephanie out of bed and led her over to the lamp.

'Now don't scream, Okay?'

'Okay' I held open the front of my pajama bottoms so she could see what I had seen.

'Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!' she squealed of course.

'Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhush'  I tried to silence her by putting my hand over her mouth and that seemed to calm her a little.

'Is it yours?'

'Of course it is mine.  Whose else could it be?'

'Okay, very funny, the joke's over.'

'Joke?'

You got it at the corner store with the rubber spiders and the fake vomit, didn't you?'

'This is a guy's thing, Stephanie.'

'Then it's not your thing.'

'Of course its my thing.'

'Then it's not your thing, its a guy's thing.  That's impossible!'

'It's not impossible! Its right here!'

'Well how did it get there?'

'I don't know. I just woke up and there it was.'

'Can you do things with it?'

'Like what?'

'Like ... I don't know.'

'Are we dreaming or something?'

'I don't think so.'

After that I went over and sat in a chair for a while and Stephanie returned to my bed alone. I guess we were waiting to see if it would go away on its own and turn out to be a dream anyway. Girls, we are here at the mall. I guess we can continue my story later."

"How did you feel, Momma when you discovered that you had turned into a boy?"

"Shock of course but Stephanie helped get me through that as we tried to figure out the possibilities until all we had left is that I had turned into a boy. Stephanie turned out to be a true friend when I needed her the most. I have a good feeling about you, Lisa that you will be that true friend that Molly needs right now."

"I've always been friendly with Wally, Mrs. Bensdorf. It wasn't until I realized that she was truly Molly deep down that I finally got to know her and realized what a friend she was to me. Her friendship for me makes it easy for her to become my friend. I hope that I can be the kind of true friend to you, Molly like your mother and my mother are friends."

"I want to be a true friend to you, Lisa. It seems much easier to be true, now that my true self is revealed. Momma the rest of the story can wait ... for now

A 6 Chapter Fanfic of 'Being Erica'
The CBC TV series that concluded 12/2011

By Sasha Zarya Nexus

Can George trust Naadiah enough to forsake a weekend being Joanna at Dragon*Con to go to Toronto with the promise that he could transition and always be Joanna?

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this story. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any previously copyrighted material. No copyright infringement is intended. .

Author's note: The theme of the TV series Being Erica of snatching life from death's grasp is a vital part of this Universe. The central character's suicide attempt via poison is handled off camera in this story and will not be expanded upon or revisited later in this fan fic novel.

Author's note: The theme of the TV series Being Erica of snatching life from death's grasp is a vital part of this Universe. The central character's suicide attempt via poison is handled off camera in this story and will not be expanded upon or revisited later in this fan fic novel.

Chapter One: George

Many people have few regrets, me, I have tons. By the way the name my parents stuck me with is George Thomas Wolfe. Horrible, right? They really must have wanted a boy. What they got was me and I’m not a boy but I play one on TV (when it’s my 15 minutes of fame, right?) and unfortunately every day of my life. But the name that I really want to be called is Joanna. One reason that it’s infrequent for me to be called Joanna is that it is infrequent that I have a female gender presentation and I’m being Joanna..

I’m the one who seemed to peak in high school. While I would never have been voted most likely to succeed, I could have if only I had made the right choices. It seems that what ever was best for me, I always did the opposite. I went to a prestigious college after high school and flunked out. I had chances to get my life going right after that but I seemed to keep sabotaging myself.

After I flunked out of college, I went to work at a retail pharmacy. I still work there as a merchandise manager or a glorified stock clerk. I know the entire store and have even been trained in house as a pharmacy assistant but I’ve always been passed up for even assistant manager much less manager.

With a less demanding job, longevity gave me plenty of paid time off and free time that I could depend on. While I could be filling for relief in at almost any counter in the store, even cosmetician, there were few times that anything urgent happened in my job. My free time was plentiful and dependable.

There’s no easy way to say this. I’m a Trekkie. Being somewhat of an ‘alien’ myself I really connected with their 'infinite diversity in infinite combinations philosophy. That brought me to science fiction Conventions and the fan club tables. After considering the possibility of joining a fan club over a period of three years of conventions, I finally joined one of the Starfleet International ships in Atlanta, the USS Pleiades.

There were a couple of things that I like about being a member of the USS Pleiades. First was that it was named for the Seven Sisters . And second, the captain of the USS Pleiades was a transwoman named Tina. She knew that even though I was too timid to permanently transition that I like to cross dress on Halloween and conventions. She’s okay with that and so are the rest of the USS Pleiades crew.

The big convention in Atlanta each year is Dragon*Con and our club booked a couple of motel rooms for us to stay in during the convention. However a glitch in booking meant that for this year we were going to stay at a hotel at the airport. We had transportation to the convention figured out without driving downtown since we could get a shuttle to get us to the airport and from the airport We could take MARTA’s rapid rail to the Peachtree Center station where the convention was being held.

I’d gotten dropped off at a MARTA Station and ridden MARTA to the airport. I had to wait for Tina or Nadine to arrive so I took a seat in the Delta area to wait for a call to find out where to meet them to go over to the motel. I’d not been there long with my luggage along side me including a feminine pink suitcase where Joanna’s clothes were packed. An attractive woman came from the direction of the MARTA station with short black hair dressed professionally all in white and came right to the bench where I was seated.

"May I sit here with you? My name is Naadiah.""

"Yes, of course Naadiah. My name is George, George Thomas Wolfe."

"I’m waiting for a call from my partner. She’s supposed to be meeting me here and we are going to be flying back to Toronto together. “

"That’s great. I’m also waiting for a call from the Captain of the USS Pleiades."

"I’m hoping you mean the president of the fan club where you are a member."

“Yeah, her name is Tina and she’s great. Our ship is going to be staying together at a motel at the Airport and riding MARTA to Dragon*Con each day."

On cue Naadiah’s phone rang. “Excuse me please while I take this."

I was quiet while she talked softly into her phone. While I did not overhear much, I could tell that the news wasn’t good by the way that Naadiah was frowning. She finished with a smile and then turned back to me.

"That was my partner. An emergency has come up and she won’t be able to meet me here. I was looking forward to spending my time with her today."

"How long before your flight?"

"Eight hours. Perhaps we might spend some of that together?"

"I’d like that, Naadiah. At least until I have to go to my motel. I certainly will look forward to getting rid of my luggage.."

"I’d imagine that you have some interesting stories behind your luggage, especially that pink suitcase."

"That suitcase contains clothes for my alter ego Joanna. I’m a transwoman so I need chances for female gender expression. This is a good time for me between Dragon*Con, Halloween and the transgender convention, Southern Comfort. I’ve never been strong enough to just let Joanna out permanently so these times have been what kept me same but as time goes on it’s not enough."

"Why do you think that you can’t make the breakthrough of letting go of your male persona?"

"Choices that I’ve made and that have been made for me all have made me a coward to deal with something even as important to my life as this. What people think about me is way too important to me . Survival by attempting to blend in by avoiding those who will use violence towards someone different. In America, my birth condition isn’t taken seriously in medicine and the treatment we need is only available to those who can pay full price for it without insurance.".

< p>"Can you tell me about some of those choices?"

"From early childhood, I knew that I was different but it wasn’t until puberty when my body rebelled against my mind and openly started displaying male characteristics that it dawned on me that the difference was that I was really a girl and everyone was trying to cast me in the role of a boy. I could have expressed those differences but I learned to get along by going along with the role that they had picked out for me. Instead of being true to who I was, I covered it up so that I could avoid ridicule and persecution at home and at school."

"And if you had a chance to do it over?"

"I would have told them and got it over. I may have had to go further undercover like what happened later but I would have at least had some chance before I’d faked it for so long to let them know from an earlier age that it was real."

"Go on."

"I learned in Junior High Biology how puberty worked and that there were others like me who had taken charge of their life and through hormone replacement and surgery became the people they were inside on the outside. I was too afraid to initiate telling my parents about who I truly was for fear of their reaction. Daddy reacted violently when ever I would slip and my girl self showed. It was easier to put it off than to face it and the consequences."

"So this would have been another chance to tell them earlier instead of your covering up being revealed. Next?"

"The summer before Junior High, I had earned spending money cutting grass and walked alone to the store 2 miles away and bought a shirt dress and put it on under my male clothes and walked home. I made the mistake of washing the dress in the washing machine and my mother discovered it. I tried to explain that I was really a girl and a girl was entitled to wear a dress. When Daddy came home he yelled at me for my ‘perversion’, forbid me to do it again and then gave me a beating on my behind with his belt. I wanted to have better explained the realness of being trans to my parents when they caught me and that not dressing as a woman would not solve anything but make me search for other outlets but I just kept quiet.”_

"So a different tact, go after their reaction rather than their disapproval to mitigate the effect. What else?"

"There were times when my own problems and discomforts led me not to use my female perspective on how girls react to things. I didn’t want to have a relationship with a girl since I was a girl myself. What I failed to consider is that the non macho way I conducted myself made me very safe boyfriend material for a girl who was doubting her own self. I wish that I would have talked with Dee Dee, the Junior High cheerleader, instead of about her in expressing my discomfort of being the object other public attention by saying hurtful things publicly”

"What you really would have liked was for her to see beyond the façade and still want you to be her girlfriend. Next?"

"I would have liked to take the chance to have come out as Joanna to my Grandmother the summer I spent in the lawnmower shop with my Grandfather in Brunswick. I’ll never get the chance now since all my grandparents died a few years ago."

“That must be really tough to never be able to show her who you really are inside. What else?"

"I wish I could have made better use of confessing being trans to my HS counselor so that I could have been helped. I know that they could do only so much without getting my parents okay but I would have like to stretch to the edge what help that they could have given me.

"You see yourself as not taking full advantage of the limited help that you received, but one must be ready to act on that help and we can’t do that until we are ready to take even bolder steps. Go on?"

"I’m ashamed of having taken the hard bible thumping line with a girl wanting to be chaplain for a club. It was all about Dad’s voice in my head quoting that scripture about women being silent in church. That’s nonsense of course and when properly interpreted it was clear that Paul was giving that as an example instead of a hard and fast law. In the giving the example itself he was breaking a hard and fast law where the women could not be present in church at all. Above all I should have support Beth knowing I was really a girl too."

"Definitely! Next?"

"I had a chance to blow the lid of the secrecy about my being female, when I was discovered buying a dress by an unknown sibling. I should have told both of my brothers no matter which of them was the one to see me the truth in the open. Keeping secrets has poisoned our family (keeping it in the family) and it has become a wedge that broke us farther and farther apart."

"Secrets like that have been known as symptoms of a dysfunction. They let shame multiply and become a great obstacle to healing the hurts that lie within. Is there more?"

"I wish that I would have moved out of my parents house once I had a job so that I would not have had that commitment to keep things under cover. Without the having to do things in secret I could have pursued being whole."

"Just making the hard decision to leave the security of being in with your parents would have signaled that you were ready to do other things that were difficult for you to do. Others?"

"The time that I spent away from home in college where they were not going to immediately report me to my parent that I was truant or skipping class. I should have realized that completing college would have given me options to have escaped my parents influence for good. With that escape from bondage, I could have the means to deal with the trans issue for real instead of hiding it in fantasy. Instead I skipped class just rebelling against what I was supposed to be doing.

"Any other regrets about what you did in college?"

'I wish that I would have only used the computer in my school work and not let it interfere with College. When I learned to program, I loved to play games and I loved to program games. Then I met Richmond who was a games programmer for the Textile Engineering’s programs they let High School students play to get them interested in Textile Engineering instead of a prestigious major like EE.

"But that wasn’t all?"

"I spent as much time I should have been in class programming games as I was off wondering about aimlessly in search of knowledge a gender therapist would have at her disposal. If only I would have chosen to go to class instead of skipping class to do research being trans on my own instead of getting a gender therapist.

"But you did find counsel of a sort?"

"I would have liked to have chosen a real therapist in college instead of ’Suzy the Psychic'. She was sympathetic and could see into my inner being to know and accept me as a female. But she had problems of her own and she just was not equipped to aid me in my journey towards wholeness. She was just a detour on that road.

"Was there anything else during College?"

"I wish that I would have never gotten involved with Mags romantically. I guess what I really wanted was to as a girl be a girlfriend. I was never attracted to her sexually but I got really attached by our closeness. It was only on false pretense that courting her would first throw others including my parents off by my appearing to take the role expected of a male and in the back of my mind I held out some hope that it might cure me being a transgirl even though now I know that that’s not possible."

"But that was not the end of it?"

"Eventually, she figured out that our relationship was not real, even though she did not reveal me as being really a girl too and she broke up with me. Instead of learning that I should not court a girl on false pretense I got involved with Thea on the rebound from my breakup from Mags. I finally had her end it too when I confessed to her that I felt like I was a former transgirl and that I had been cured. She dropped me as a result of my confession. I know now that it was a false confession since I know now that no one ever gets over being a transwoman.

"Anything else?"

”I wish that I had confessed sooner to my pharmacist friend about my desire to take hormones and to pursue getting help to transition from that point. Instead of destroying the out of date hormone samples in the stockroom, I self medicated knowing that even with their not having full potency the drugs still worked only a little weaker than their printed strengths. It was the best of times since it terminated my already suspended male puberty and sent me into a female puberty. I had all the signs but I ran out of my supply so my changes stopped.

"That must have been distressing for you but even the strain of stopping suddenly did not get you to publicly seek the means to transition?"

"Not to this day. I have to express myself but if I do so in ways like Dragon*Con, it’s been enough so that I have not reached the crisis that I understand is coming where I won’t be able to live a lie. By waiting till then a lot of people in my situation just commit suicide. I’d like a chance to make it easier for me to do the right thing without doing it in front of so many disapproving eyes."

"George / Joanna Wolfe, would you like to change your life? In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. — Albert Einstein “

"Yes. Yes I really would, Naadiah. But how can I do that?"

"You admit that you are in a dead end job which you could pick up the equivalent anywhere. Your birth family shuns you. You have some nice acquaintances but no real friends. And where you are now with the people who do know you, you are too afraid to transition. Even if you were to transition the medical system makes it very difficult to get the full treatment you’ll need to lead a normal life. So drop everything and come with me to Toronto. I’ll get my partner’s ticket issued for you. You can get a passport with a same day ticket, before the flight. I’ll help you in Toronto get a job and a place to stay. All you have to do is let go of your life here".

"What if I get to Toronto and even with the change of venue and promise of medical support, I still can’t transition?"

"Even allowing your self to hit rock bottom in the attempt will be progress instead of playing it safe. Here in Atlanta, the phoenix rising from the ashes is a symbol you are familiar. In Toronto if all else fails you could be that phoenix, Joanna."

"So it is to be a fresh start?. Leave now with just what I have packed? Leave Dragon*Con behind, quit my job, cancel my room agreement, have someone do a yard sale and sell or donate all my stuff? Isn’t that a bit extreme?"

"How are you going to face your challenges, with having an easy escape?"

"Naadiah, I’ll do it. I’ll call Tina to tell her, I won’t be attending Dragon*Con. Maybe Tina will agree to help me sell my stuff out of the room I have been renting and sell my car. I’ll call and tell my house mate that I’m moving out immediately. I’ll call and tell my work that I’m quitting."

"Right, George. I feel that everything I need to get the ticket changed is on your ID. Please let me borrow it?"

"Of course." I pulled out my wallet, extracted my ID, and handed it to Naadiah.

"Thank you, George. While you watch our luggage, I’m going to see about getting this other ticket changed into your name . Once that is done we can check our luggage and see about getting you the documents you’ll need in order to get through security and on the plane with me."

"Okay, Naadiah. Thanks."

Naadiah left to go to the Delta service counter and I got out my phone and began to make some calls. The toughest one would be to Tina who came the closest I had of having a friend.

"Hi Tina, this is George. I’m not going to attend Dragon*Con and instead I’m going to fly to Toronto with this lady that I just met, Naadiah for free. She’s promised to help me get a job and a place to stay there. With no one there knowing me and being able to become eligible for medical help the only obstacle to my transitioning will be me."

"Are you sure you can trust her, Jo Jo? Are you ready to just up and go like that?"

"For the first time in my life, I believe that I really am ready. Listen, come and meet her and talk with her. If you get a bad vibe off her then I’ll cut my losses and stay, if you don’t will you sell or donate my stuff here in my room and sell my car and send me the money?"

"I’d hate for you to quit your job and cancel your room anyway but you’ll have Dragon*Con to get them back or find others. Okay, I’ll meet her and if I get the same vibe from her that you do then I’ll gladly sell your stuff and send you the proceeds."

"Thanks so much Tina, you are a true sister to me. We may be in the International Terminal by the time that you get here. Just call either when you get here or if you can’t make it within the next 4 hours. I’ll hold up going through security till then."

"Okay, Jo Jo. Checking on you won’t take long and I have to be at the airport anyway to get to the motel. I’ll be able to be there long before your deadline but I’m not sure when yet. I’ll call you when I get to the airport. Bye Bye."

"Bye Tina, thanks."

The call to my house mate and to my boss both went thru quicker without any questions. They both understood that picking up and moving to Canada was a big adventure. They both let me have a Dragon*Con cooling off period before the terminations became final. They both asked for an email after Labor Day weekend letting them know if I really went thru with it to finalize the terminations.

Naadiah came walking up and handed a ticket to Toronto in my name and my ID to me. She smiled back as she saw the grin on my face as I accepted them from her. She also gave me some print outs of instructions for International flights.

"Here are your ticket and ID, George. You might like to scan this document for what you’ll need to do to get thru security. Of your luggage, anything that can’t be shipped on the plane , we can mail to my address in Toronto. You’ll want to select what you want as a carry on and repack it with the things you’ll need for the flight and your first day. If you don’t have a personal item pack like in the regulations we can buy one for you in one of the airport shops and throw away what you packed for yourself for the weekend."

"That’s a lot to do, I’d best get started getting me sorted"

"Great George! Once we get our bags checked here, we’ll need to go to the International Terminal to get your passport sorted."

"Okay, Naadiah, thanks."

I went through the documents and found that my trek items which I wanted to hold onto would pass luggage inspection. I had to dispose of my personal items and either get some at the airport or once we landed in Toronto. I had one bag which was carry on sixe which I repacked with the things I wanted for the trip and the next day. I let Naadiah know I was ready and we both took our luggage to be checked.

"How did you do, George in finishing up things here?"

"I resigned my job, canceled my room and canceled me going to Dragon*Con. Tina has agreed to help me sell my belongings and car but she wants to meet you first. I guess she is a better friend than I thought since she is both happy for me and concerned for me. It would help her to meet you so she can feel more confident that I’m doing the right thing."

"I’m glad to meet your friend, George. We’d better get going to the International Terminal to get the paperwork out of the way."

We did everything that was needed for me to get on the plane with Naadiah. In the beginning I feel that we both were confused about what was required. I was assured by the official we met that what resulted was sufficient. I might have to do more paperwork in Toronto should I decide to overstay the terms of my paperwork but that was something that could be worked out.

Tina phoned when she arrived and she followed my directions to the place that we would be waiting for her in the International Terminal. After a little while she was walking up and I began to introduce her to Naadiah.

"Naadiah this is my trek friend, Tina. Tina this is my new friend, Naadiah."

"Naadiah, I’m delighted to meet you. Jo Jo doesn’t open up often and I’m really glad that she’s found a receptive friend in you. “

"Likewise, Tina. Joanna thinks very highly of you even to deferring to your request to get to know me. Of course it is a proper request since I’ve only just met Joanna but I assure her that all I want to do is give her a chance for her to catch that dream that she’s been chasing her entire life. But it is only a chance, and the result that she has is up to what she puts into it. I pledge to facilitate what ever efforts she makes as well as making sure that she has a roof over her head and the means to support herself."

"There is a very truthful aspect to you, Naadiah. I like that you don’t give guarantees since life doesn’t have any guarantees. Jo Jo has mucked up the rest of the chances that she’s been given so I hope she’s ready to grab hold of this one with both hands and hold on!"

"I am, Tina. I really am running to something instead of running away from my failures.“

There is a difference between running to something and running away from something. And the only way one knows the difference is what one does when they arrive."

"Okay, Naadiah. I trust you with Jo Jo. You may not guarantee results but you seem to have her best interest at heart."

"Thank you Tina for being such a good friend to Joanna."

"Jo Jo, what do you want me to do?"

"Please Tina, take my house and car keys. If you could sell or donate the contents of my room and sell my car, I would love you forever. Oh right, I already do. Anyway, once you’ve done that, please email me at [email protected]. I’ll let you know what do to send me the funds. I will have set up a paypal account or something.”

"Okay sweetie, I’ll do it."

Tina took my keys and I felt like she had lifted a burden from me. She smothered me in a hug and broke it with a kiss on my cheek

"Jo Jo, and Naadiah, I’d love to wait with you to see you off but I have loads to do with the convention and the room. Jo Jo, do me proud! Take care of her Naadiah. Second star to the right and straight on till morning."

Somehow we had ended up at the beginning to the security check point so Naadiah went thru first. I looked back at a smiling Tina waving to me and then turned to follow Naadiah into the unknown country (for me at least)

Chapter Two: Regret ~ DDT

I found myself waking up in a hospital bed. Every thing was pretty fuzzy but I knew that I must have done something desperate since my arms were strapped down. I remembered something about running away and ending up in Toronto where I had purged every last trace of who I am. From the way my stomach felt, I must have done the desperate thing I promised that I would never do. Before any other hospital staff came in to check on me, she walked in. A cute brunette in a sundress like the one I admired before what ever happened. It seems that I had blanked out the rest. She smiled at me and spoke in a soft voice that had an air of authority.

"I'm Dr Erica and you are George Thomas Wolfe. I'm here to help you."

"You can't help me. I'm beyond help. They tell me that I am the lowest of the low. How could you know what I need?"

She came over and held my hand and whispered in my ear.

" Joanna, I know what you need and you are not beyond my help."

She placed a card in my hand which I read to myself. Dr Erica, the only therapist that you'll ever need, Results guaranteed. I made a leap of faith knowing that Dr Erica was something special and that the therapy that she practiced was not ordinary. I saw her turn to leave thru one of the two doors out of the room. I finally found my voice.

"Please Wait! I feel okay. I want to start now."

There was no sound from beyond the door or any indication that I had been heard. In desperation I pulled at the bond enclosing my right wrist and found that it released. I quickly freed myself and determined that the first thing to do was to get dressed so I could follow Dr. Erica.I turned the card she left me over and found an address for her office printed on the other side here in Toronto. In a closet I found the red A-line dress with pleated skirt that I was wearing including everything that went with it including the breast forms and wig and my pink caboodles makeup case.

I had gotten some skill at getting dressed in feminine finery and making myself up from changing from drab prior to the TG support meetings that I had attended. As I admired myself in the mirror, I felt that I had done a better job this time than the picture that I had took with the auto timer with the camera in my purse the last time I had dressed up in this outfit. I was all dolled up as best I could without gender affirming treatment.

She called me Joanna! All of a sudden, I realized that it wasn't through the hospital room's entrance door but through the bathroom door that Dr. Erica had left. Not a sound had come from there in all the time that I had gotten myself ready to go. Logic told me that if I were to find Dr. Erica, I had to go thru that door. As I opened the door and walked thru the threshold, I realized that I was not entering a hospital restroom but a very attractive office with Dr. Erica sitting behind a desk in a large egg shaped chair.

I stopped dead, unsure of what was happening. My delight to find that Dr. Erica had hot abandoned me as it had seemed but instead was waiting in this impossible room.

"Dr. Erica, Why didn't you wait for me? What is this place? How did I get here?"

"Joanna, I am so pleased that you could come. Please take a seat and I'll try to answer some of your questions. Please forgive me leaving like that, but I felt that you needed some time to really make an informed decision and that you would be more comfortable presenting who you really are inside."

It was a reasoned response to a most unreasonable situation. I walked over and smoothed my skirt before sitting in the chair in front of Dr. Erica's desk and crossed my legs at the ankles demurely. Either the bathroom was dimensionally transcendental ('Doctor, it's bigger on the inside than the outside!') or the doorway was also a means of teleporting me somewhere else. When I had settled, Dr. Erica continued speaking to me.

"Ordinarily, I would let you come to my office on your own after you finished at the hospital. However, I could see that you really wanted to start sooner so I gave you a portal door which replaced temporarily your hospital room's bathroom door. This is my office but it's unique in that it can only be reached by a portal door that I will provide when you need to see me."

"This is all a bit overwhelming but you saw the real me instead of the drab life I had been portraying. I trust you, Dr. Erica"

"Joanna, do you feel alright?"

"I feel fine, Dr Erica. I think? Oh my goodness, My job, Naadiah, my room, Tina! What have I done?"

"Dr Erica got me a glass of cold water and had me calm myself. When she saw that I had composed myself and was looking to her for answers, she continued.

"Lets deal with the things first and then the people. You no longer have a room. You moved out after not paying the last month's rent. You had no belongings to speak of, just a single pink suitcase. I understand that you sold or donated the rest of it so you could have this one last fling prior to what you did to land you in the hospital. You quit your job without giving any notice. They have you currently on the do not rehire list so that's lost as well."

Dr Erica passed a pink suitcase and a pink tote bag containing a iPad, iBook, and iPhone, over the desk to me and I saw that it was mine. It was Joanna's."

"Thank you for retrieving this for me, Dr Erica. So is this all I have in the world now?"

"You may not remember purchasing those but you did with the money Tina sent you from selling your car and belongings back in Atlanta. By the way Tina has been desperate to get a hold of you. You didn't leave her any other way to get in touch with her and you haven't answered her emails."

"I'll answer her email. She's been so good to me that she should not have to worry. Do I have internet?"

"The hospital has free wifi so you can respond to Tina when you get back there. You asked about Naadiah, who is actually Dr. Naadiah and my supervisor. She really hoped that you could have taken advantage of the fresh start to sort out your problems and get your life on track. Instead you hit rock bottom and at least you were here where we could help you pick up the pieces with this therapy."

"This isn't any ordinary therapy that you do is it? I'm glad that I'm going to be your patient, Dr Erica"

"No, this isn't any ordinary therapy. The confidentiality goes beyond the substance of what we do here but the circumstances as well. Is that something that you feel that you can handle?"

"Yes, I can do that! I imagine that you already know that I can keep a secret."

"All too well. Before we can start, I need a commitment from you to pursue this to the conclusion. The going will be tough but I need you to commit that you will not quit no matter how hard it is to continue."

"I want to use this chance to put my life right and I commit to continue as long as it takes to make me whole. When do we start?"

"We start now. All of our lives are the sum of our decisions and those of others that make choices for us. Sometimes even doing the right thing may lead to unintended consequences if groundwork has not been laid. This journey begins with you making a list of regrets. These regrets must only come from actions that you yourself took or failed to take in the past. Any questions?'

"So it would not help to write down that I regret that I was not born female? If I were born female then I would not be me. I could write that I regret not revealing to my Mother sooner that I'm a girl inside and hope that doing so would have allowed her to realize who I really am."

"You've got the idea. I'm going to give you some time to think about what you want to add to your list. It's your list so you don't have to finalize it before we start but I'd like to have enough items on it so I can pick and choose what I feel you are ready to confront. It should be mostly complete but you may have the chance to add to it later."

"Okay, Dr Erica. Thank you for giving me this chance. I'll get right to it."

"Remember, think of specific incidents right now where you regret the decision you made and not generalities where you really did not have a chance to act in the way that you might have liked to do."

"Gotcha Dr Erica. Thanks."

True to her word, Dr Erica disappeared behind one of the doors in the front of her office, I had not had a real chance to look around but my attention was to the notebook that Dr Erica handed to me with the heading: Joanna aka George Thomas Wolfe.

At first it was all about becoming whole as my plans formed about how I would tackle the task. I discarded that approach as not embracing the wholeness of my life. Sure being trans was a big part of my life woes but it was not the total answer.

Somehow I knew that just putting one regret down that I wasn't born a whole woman may fix something but I would not be the beneficiary. Who ever came out of fixing my birth circumstances would not be me.

But bringing my life into balance by being the best me that I could be was the kind of wholeness that I could achieve in my life by making good decisions in the future and learning from those in the past. So I decided to go back through my life to those decision points where my path could have been altered by my own actions. So I started listing regrets

'To not have taken the poison and instead chosen to change my life by finding a gender therapist'

What I had hoped for in my heart was that I had not taken too much and that I would be saved, after I realized the true consequences of my decision. Could it be that this regret was already answered by my being alive to be Dr Erica's patient?

'To have never gotten involved romantically with Thea since it was on false pretense that courting her would enable me to cure being trans as a replacement for Mags when she left me.'

'To have never gotten involved with Mags romantically since it was only on false pretense that courting her would cure me being trans.'

'To have taken the chance when I was discovered buying a dress by an unknown sibling to tell all to them instead of it being a wedge that broke us farther and farther apart.'

'To have moved out of my parents house once I had a job so that I could pursue being whole.'

'To have confessed sooner to my pharmacist friend about my desire to take hormones and to pursue getting help to transition from that point.'

'To have completed college instead of skipping class and flunking out by realizing that choosing college was my means to deal with the trans issue.

'To have only used the computer in my school work and not let it interfere with College and specifically not get involved with Richmond and TEGAMES'

'To have chosen to go to class instead of skipping class to do research being trans. '

'To have chosen a real therapist in college instead of Suzy the Psychic'

'To have made better use of confessing being trans to my HS counselor so that I could have been helped without interfering in my school work.'

'To not have taken the hard bible thumping line with a girl wanting to be chaplain for a club and support her knowing I was really a girl too'

'To have better explained the realness of being trans to my parents when they caught me and that not dressing as a woman would not solve anything but make me search for other outlets'

'To have talked with her instead of about her in expressing my discomfort of being the object of a junior high cheerleaders attention by saying hurtful things publicly'

There were other things that I could write but these felt like enough to start out with to me so I closed my book and placed it on Dr. Erica's side of the desk. Then I wondered, how was I going to let her know that I was finished. Then I giggled, a woman who was able to teleport me into her office out of a hospital bed would be sure to come back when called.

"Dr. Erica, I've finished my list of regrets for now."

And Dr. Erica came back through the same door that she left.

"That was smart of you to call me Joanna. Let's take a look at your list. Well we can come back to the first one later. Thank you for not stacking the deck with gender identity regrets. That is part of what we will work on but it is not the whole story. Even so you've left out whole aspects to your life. Hopefully you'll trust me enough to add the rest as we go along. I don't usually do quotes but this one seems appropriate.

'For everything there is a beginning.' Captain Spock in Wrath of Khan"

"Tell me about Dee Dee Tailor in Junior High and how she reacted to George, Joanna. You wrote: ' 'To have talked with her instead of about her in expressing my discomfort of being the object of a junior high cheerleaders attention by saying hurtful things publicly'"

"Junior High was a decision point for me. I always knew I was different but with the girls gong through puberty and me not blossoming. It was 7th grade biology that taught me about hormones and that made me realize that I could be almost whole female. It was also the time that boys were taking girls by the waist and walking them down the hallways. I was a bright student and participated heavily in class. Dee Dee picked me to try to get close to by broadcasting it to the class. My come back was 'DDT is poison' "

"And what would you do differently if you had it to do over again?"

"If I had it to go again, I would try to talk to her in private and find out why she was so public in expressing that she wanted to be close to me. I'd try to explain that my admiration was not romantic attraction. She didn't seek revenge for my slight so maybe I could let her in a little and that would resolve it."

"Okay, let's find out."

The room spun and all of a sudden Dr. Erica's office was gone. In it's place was the bus pavilion of Nash Junior High which does not exist now. I guessed it was no longer now but I wasn't ready for the next thing since I looked down to see me as a 12 year old. I did the only thing that any reasonable person who was shifted in time by twenty something years. I collapsed and passed out.

"You should have seen my reaction the first time I went back in time with my therapist. I'm sorry Joanna. You can speak freely right now. I'm the school nurse for today and we are alone. I meant for you to see me as the bus attendant and get you aside to explain things but you figured it out too quickly and you passed out. It is real. You are back in time.; What you do now will replace what you did before and when you finish and come back to the present all memories will be of the new history you create."

"My goodness. So I'm really back in time and today is the day that Dee Dee surprised me."

"Yes. Joanna, I can't take an active role. It's not permitted. So it's all you. We can talk about your experience in my office when you finish. Do you want to see what you look like?"

"Yes! I would not have believed this if you had told me but I'm a believer now."

Dr. Erica helped me down from the exam table. In the full length mirror on the wall, I saw a 12 year old George staring back at me. Dr Erica smiled at me and handed me a hall pass.

"Your homeroom teacher knows what happened so you wont be counted absent or late. This pass clears you okay to finish the day as well as gets you in homeroom. Have a nice day, George."

I smiled at her and hurried off to my home room. I remembered it all and had no problem getting there. I handed the pass to the teacher and took my seat in class. It was clear from my classmates reaction that no word had gotten back to them of me passing out. It was starting out just the way I remembered the day. Even though I was vocal in class, I really had no close friends. I wondered if that was about to change. First class after lunch was English so that's when things would be interesting. The time leading up to it was a chance for me to get back in the flow of being a Jr High student.

It was interesting to observe the reactions that others had to silent me. I wondered if being so smart in class made me as hard to approach as the beautiful girl. That got me to thinking but I didn't want to change things lest I something I did would make Dee Dee put off her declaration in class. Finally Lunch was over and it was time for English. I guess I was a little too focused on my thoughts since I ran right into Dee Dee Tailor in the hall. I scrambled to pick up her books. I stopped her with a look not of embarrassment but purpose.

"Dee Dee, I really need a friend right now. There is something I would like to share with you. It's really private and I'd like to do it without attracting a lot of attention."

"George, I knew you were the kind of boy who could really be a friend. I've been looking for a way to break the ice with you but you are too quiet for your own good mostly. Why don't we go in together and ask Mrs. Richards for an extra credit assignment we can do together."

"Maybe we could get a library pass and do some research on Medieval culture? We have the Canterbury Tales and the Tempest coming up. We could do a report to the class with some background on how people lived back then and how they are not unlike us, only the technology is different?"

"That's brilliant, George. I know a table out of sight and hearing of the librarian. We can get some work done and you can share what you wanted with me."

"I love it when a plan comes together!"

"A-Team? ,,, Well at least it wasn't a Trek reference. Let me do the talking and you can join in when I start pitching the medieval culture topic? Okay?"

"Okay, Lead the way Dee Dee!"

I followed Dee Dee into the class room and back to the back of class where Mrs. Richards had her desk. Dee Dee had explained our request noting the medieval books coming up. At the right time I chimed in about how much the class could learn by a presentation on Medieval culture. She agreed with us, giving us both winks which led me to believe that we were now a couple. Even though even Dee Dee would not have that idea after my news, I thought it not wise to correct my teacher. Dee Dee smiled and took the hall and library passes, Mrs Richards offered up.

I took the outline of what our teacher expected for an in class presentation of our report. For the 2 of us this would be an easy A especially since I had been involved with the SCA in my now future life. We went to the library and excitedly stopped by the card catalog to find the Dewey Decimal for medieval culture. After being surprised by the library's selection we brought a couple of the better ones to the table that Dee Dee led me to and we sat down.

"What is this that you wanted to share with me, George?"

"Dee Dee, I want to apologize for all the attention that I've directed in your direction. You are a very stunning, beautiful and intelligent young woman. You are a wonderful role model. On the inside from birth, I've been female forced unsuccessfully to try to live life as a boy like Renee' Richards. I'd love to be your friend but I'm never really going to be anyone's boyfriend."

I could not help it since I said that all in one breath not stopping to breath least I not get it all out. I listened with anticipation after I drew in one big gasp of air.

"Dear one, of course I'll be your friend. I can see it in your eyes now. Its real. Everything you told me is real. I can see you just want to melt right now but you have an inner strength and patience. I'll keep your secret and you can keep my family's secret."

I nodded and looked into those hazel eyes of hers, I wanted to weep and hug for comfort but I had to play the male so that any casual observer would not get close enough to overhear us.

"Uh huh. Goodness! You are really taking this well. Does that have anything to do with your family's secret?"

"I had what others thought of as my older brother only she really was my older sister. I did not know for sure. None of us even thought of the possibility that she was a transwoman. We found out too late when she dressed herself up one last time and then told the world goodbye. We were too late to save her but I want you to have the chance she did not have."

"Oh Dee Dee, I am so sorry for your loss. What can I do?"

"We are going to help you live like my sister should have been able to live. I'm sure my Daddy will agree to help too. Do you have a girl name? My sister had one."

"It's Joanna."

"Well Joanna, girlfriends tell secrets and I've got to tell you what I had planned for George if my girlfriend Joanna had not run into me today. I was going to profess my love for him in front of the whole class. I'm glad I didn't do that now. I thought George was cute smart and safe. If he were my boyfriend then not only would I be left alone, I could help him with his case of terminal shyness."

"I'm glad that you didn't do that to George. He still thinks that girls have cooties. He might have said something in the spur of the moment that would be regretted for life"

"Well initially, maybe being my boyfriend could help George with his cover. Sorry Sweetie but you don't make a very convincing boy. And we will need a cover to be together now since I am going to help you. We can talk more when you come over to my house after school to work on our project. Call home and clear it with your Momma and my Daddy can take you home afterward. You'll be going on my bus with me after school, #11-32. Okay?"

"Okay, I think I have a quarter for the payphone at the Gym. I'm sure it will be okay Dee Dee. I guess we should do a little work now so we are not so behind on the project."

"Good Idea! It's going to be fun doing this project with you, even though when we present it, you'll be pretending to be George."

We kept quiet even though I could not contain myself for the joy of finally having someone understand and accept me just the way I was. I was so happy and kept sneaking looks at Dee Dee. To an outsider, I guess they would call us a couple, but I was sure I now had another girl for a best friend.

Somehow, the extra confidence confused the bullies at Jr High and they left me alone. School was a joy in my afternoon classes. I made it to the Gym in between classes and used the pay phone. Momma gave me permission to go home on Dee Dee's bus and have Mr Tailor bring me back home by 9:30 pm.

I felt the joy that I had found a friend and that she was a girl that I wanted to spend an afternoon with even for a school project. I found Dee Dee and lined up with her when it was dismissal time and we rode her bus to her house. On coming in the door, we had decided that we would tell her mother everything.

"Momma, This is George and we have a project for English together that we would like to work on. Can Daddy give him a ride home? And, Oh yeah when we were talking, I found out that George is like Chelsea and her girl name is Joanna."

"Is this true, Joanna?"

"Yes ma'am. I've always been female on the inside but my body doesn't match so I have to pretend to be George to make them happy but for me not so much. I ran into Dee Dee, literally and we got to talking and we set up the project. I sensed that she felt the attention I was paying her only for me it was as my role model. She is beautiful in every way. Me, not being such good pretending to be a boy, still deals with girls like they have cooties. Dee Dee said she was planning on doing something in class to make it easy for us to be a couple since that's what she sensed I wanted. After I told her the truth. She told me about her sister and that you all found out too late to help her. I am so sorry for your loss, Mrs. Tailor."

"Please call me Janet. Dee Dee, you did the right thing bringing her home. I want to help, you Joanna and I'm sure Dee Dee's Daddy will want to help too and he's a Doctor. The important thing is that you have a hope and a future and people who love you. If you need to talk, we'll be here to help. For your part, young lady, please let us in and let us help you. I don't every want you to feel like things are hopeless."

I was finally in private so I broke down and cried like the girl that I was. Soon I was comforted in a group hug of girls of which I was one too. Janet sent us upstairs to Dee Dee's room to work on our project aided by my medieval knowledge and the books we had on the subject from the library. With the outline to work from we filled it in with topical material. We had a plan of action and we divided it up among us on the specific things we wanted to present in our report. We also planned to have some visual aids and wear garb for our report. I wanted to wear a lady's gown like we were going to make for Dee Dee but I would have to settle for Medieval men's garb for appearance's sake.

When Dr. Tailor got home, after we sat down to a wonderful dinner, I was questioned again about my life as Joanna.

Due to the death of his daughter, Dr. Tailor had become an expert about trans girls. He suggested a full exam for me in his home clinic which we all did together. Then we sat down in the living room to discuss his findings.

"Joanna, basically, I've found that you have a normal boy's body even though we know you are a girl. That is good since we can begin doing things to help you medically. According to the Standards of Care Document for trans girls, we have to wait till you are 18 for anything permanent. But we can give you hormone blockers so that you won't go through male puberty which you have not started yet. That way you'll just have to have a girl's puberty like any other girl who's had a hysterectomy. What I will be asking of you for this is that you get regular checkups from me and also for you to attend therapy sessions I will set up for you. So you'll have less questions, I'll become your doctor for everything else too. Is this something that you would like?"

"Oh yes! thank you very much Dr. Tailor. I am a lucky girl to have all of you caring about me."

We joined together in a group hug. Dr. Tailor filled in the details of the plans he had to help me. He decided that it would be safer for me to get the hormone blockers in a weekly shot. He gave me my first that evening. I had a sore bottom but I could not help to smile to know that I would never have to go through puberty as a male.

I thought that maybe I was having a reaction to the shot since a wave of dizziness wafted over me. Of course I wasn't ready to identify what was really the problem. When the room stopped spinning, I was no longer with the Tailor's. I was back in Dr Erica's office. Only I was not quite the same person I was before.

"Wow! Dr Erica what happened to me?"

"You tell me, Joanna. What did you just with your day back at Nash Jr High. You told me you had a regret that you called Dee Dee a nasty name when she surprised you with a public display of affection."

"I literally ran into Dee Dee before the class and asked for her help and started a project with her so I could explain why it wasn't a good idea to do that to me in class."

"And what was the result of your discussion?"

"I outed myself as a transgirl and not only did Dee Dee get it but she and her family started helping me. I had not known about Dee Dee's sister committing suicide. I guess that's what I tried to do before I ended up in the hospital. I recognize the outfit I am wearing now as the only female outfit I owned. I was so much a coward to go against my parents that even after I was 18 I didn't get any help. I look like an ordinary woman in this even though I can tell I am still pre-op."

"What would a course of hormone blockers through high School added to the HRT that you acquired shortly afterward result in?"

"A body like I have now. What happened So that I ended up back at the same place with only the one female outfit? How could I have forgotten how much love I was shown."

"Even though you did well through High School with the aid of the Tailor's, eventually Dee Dee did find a worthy boy to date and you couldn't be in public the girlfriend you really were to Dee Dee. You grew apart going to different colleges. She went away and you stayed home and commuted to campus. What was the last straw for your friendship was that even with all the help you could not stand up for yourself in the open. You not being able to live as Joanna prevented you from obtaining legal HRT and SRS. Dee Dee could not forgive you for that, fearing that you would leave her like Chelsea did. Pushing you out of her life hurt less and you let her go since she had already done so much for you."

"And she was right. I ended up right back here."

"Little steps, Joanna. What do you want to do in the here and now?"

"I want to be Joanna openly. I want to get the medical help I need to do that successfully. I want to do something with the rest of my life. I want to learn how to do that, Dr Erica."

"Well with that chosen, the hospital already thinks of you that way. When they brought you in you were presenting as a woman, in those clothes, so they have you on record as 'Joanna Doe' since you had no ID. Your decision to befriend Dee Dee as a child gave you the gift of avoiding male puberty. You are a very attractive woman, Joanna already so that should jump start your transition. The hospital will direct you to resources to help with transition too."

"I wish I had become an outward girl and not worried Dee Dee so much when I turned 18. Can I add to my regrets, Dr Erica."

"In this case, yes. It was present before in your life but since there was not a big external struggle, you missed it then. Here is your list."

I took my list from Dr. Erica and added at the bottom. 'I regret that I did not become openly female at 18 and get the help I needed for a congruent life lived for real instead of hiding it in fantasy.' I realized that my relationship with Dee Dee was something that I would have to work on separately even if I became an outward girl to avoid us losing touch completely as we had done in College.

"So what comes next?"

"Your present life comes next. If you make the same effort in the present that you did in the past, then you'll have less regrets to deal with in the future."

"That is ..."

I felt a wave of dizziness pass over me as the room spun. When it stopped I was no longer dressed in the red A-line dress which I saw was now hanging back in the closet of my hospital room. Instead of an icky hospital gown, this time I was dressed in a pink frilly night gown as I sat up on the bed. My long blonde hair was still my own as well as my breasts still being real. It was as though no time had passed between the time that I walked through the door to Dr. Erica's office and me landing back in bed in the hospital room as if by magic.

"...totally awesome, Dr. Erica"

"I believe that this is your attending physician coming into the room now. Dr. Denton."

I started to giggle at the name but when I looked up into the Doctor's face it was Dee Dee. A bit older looking very much like her Momma now, but still Dee Dee. At the same moment, Dee Dee recognized that she had not Joanna Doe but Joanna Wolfe. The clipboard dropped on the bed and we embraced like the 2 very dear friends that we were.

"Joanna, Its been too long. I'm very glad to see you even under the circumstances. I'm not here to say, 'I Told You So!' I'm your Doctor and I want you to get better by giving you the best of care."

"Dee Dee! I am so glad to see you too! I want to make the most of this second chance and be the woman that I was meant to be. I am so sorry for disappointing and worrying you so long ago."

"I'm glad to hear that, Joanna. That will make your recovery so much easier since we will have a plan so you don't end up back here. Who is your friend, Joanna?"

"This is my therapist, Dr. Erica. I can talk freely with her already, so we have that covered."

"I'm Dr. Denise Desire Tailor Denton. Please call me Dee Dee. I feel so embarrassed being called Dr. Denton mostly since the kids don't get the joke and I feel so old."

"Please call me Erica, Dee Dee. Joanna is a special woman and I look forward to working with you to get and keep her healthy."

"What are the chances that both of us would end up in Toronto at the same time after growing up near Atlanta Georgia?"

"I don't care about the odds, I am so glad you are here."

"Me, Too Joanna. I'm glad that we will have plenty of time to catch up. Now I would like for Dr. Erica to fill me in on your case while I do the paperwork to identify you. What am I going to find when I look up your ID?"

"I qualified as a immigrant Canadian citizen and I'm enrolled in National Health or what ever they call it all under my male name, George Wolfe. Could we do a deed poll or what ever they call it here to change my name legally to Joanna."

"I believe we can take care of all that and more for you before we are done. The hospital staff will continue to call you and treat you as Joanna by Doctor's orders. Promise me even though you are excited that you will try to get some sleep. You need it and I would like for you to be refreshed for next time. We have the preliminaries out of the way now, so we can start doing some productive things to help you."

"I promise, Dee Dee. Thank you for coming back into my life. I look forward to our next session, Dr. Erica. I love the way we connect."

"Bye Joanna. See you soon."

I watched as they both left together. When I was sure that they were gone, I got up and went to the closet and found that both the pink suitcase and tote bag was there. I took out the iPad and it connected to the hospital Wi-Fi without any trouble. I brought up my Gmail account and found a number of emails from Tina there. Instead of opening them, I instead started composing a reply:

Dear Tina

I am so sorry for worrying you by not responding. Part of the time I was unwilling to respond and part I was unable to respond. (Thanks Captain Spock TWOK) I'm on the mend now and getting care for my mental and physical being in the hospital here in Toronto.

But I hit bottom having been unable to accomplish on my own what I set out to do here in Toronto. That is being Joanna. But here in the hospital I've met the two most amazing professionals Dr Erica is going to be my therapist guiding me on the journey back and to me being Joanna. Wonder of wonders, my attending physician here turns out to be my friend Dee Dee who I must have told you about. She and her family saved me from a male puberty even though I was too timid to go ahead with a full time transition once I was free of my parents compulsion to live a fake life. Dr Dee Dee is going to help with the physical end of my recovery and my being Joanna physically.

I'll write more when I have a chance to read your emails. Once I get phone service started, I'll send you my new phone number. I've got to see if I have skype set up. When I do I'll send you my skype name and we can call and see each other that way.

All my hopes,

Joanna

I sent the email and was about to start opening those Tina had sent me. All of a sudden, I was tired with the day catching up to me. I put down the iPad on the table beside me. I went into a peaceful sleep.

Chapter Three: Regret ~ NHS

Under the medical care of Dr Dee Dee (I couldn't call her Dr Denton with a straight face) and the encouragement of Dr Erica, I made steady progress toward being released from the hospital. I had obviously regained my strength so I had been transferred to the psych floor. I had to convince them that I was not a danger to myself or others. I also had to demonstrate that I had some means of sustaining myself outside the hospital. I had not been back to Dr Erica's office since my trek to meet Dee Dee in the past. Instead she used space at the hospital to talk with me which is where Dr Erica and I found ourselves now.

"We need to facilitate your departure from the hospital, Joanna. Having these chats while enjoyable is eating into my personal life and mundane professional life."

"I take it that you don't usually meet with your clients in real time as a therapist like you are doing for me right now. It must be nice to step outside of time to get a lot more done in your life. What is it that you do mundanely, Dr Erica?"

"I am managing partner of the fiction division of 50 / 50 Press. We do e publishing."

"Fiction! Dr Erica, I have several manuscripts of compelling transgender fiction that are copyrighted but not published anywhere. I checked just before my unfortunate circumstances and they still are on my Google Files account. Perhaps if we could find a way to publish them, I would have an income which would enable me to start my new life."

"I don't trust myself to evaluate your fiction since I am biased in your favor. It wouldn't help you or 50/50 for us to publish you and the material not be commercial. I'm going to send Brent Kennedy from our office to meet with you and to evaluate your work. Please give him total access to your manuscripts and I will promise to safeguard your rights. I trust Brent and you should too, after all he's married to my partner, Mrs. Julianne Kennedy. I'll call Brent to set things into motion on your behalf."

"Thank you Dr Erica."

Dr. Erica started a phone conversation with Brent while I listened in on her half of the conversation.

"Hi Brent, this is Erica. I'd like for you to evaluate the fiction manuscripts of Joanna Wolfe for possible publishing by 50 / 50 press. She's a transwoman and her take on life may be something that is commercial."

"She's recovering in the hospital from an unfortunate suicide attempt that she regrets and now she's committed to her new life. She's in the psych ward room 2102 phone 555-2102"

"I've been counseling her so I don't feel unbiased to evaluate her but I will be very interested to see if you feel like her work will sell. I'll request that she starts a new work for evaluation so we can see if her

style has changed after the experience."

"Thank you, Brent. Good bye."

Dr Erica seemed encouraged from what she heard on the other end of the conversation. I couldn't wait to hear what else she had to say to me.

"Brent will be in touch with you soon for an evaluation. I'd like for you to email copies to him at [email protected]. Also I would like for you to start something new so we can see how your style has changed and email him as well. He'll not only evaluate the concepts and writing but also decide if you're writing under editorial direction would improve the manuscripts."

"Thank you so much, Dr Erica."

"If we are to have another professional relationship, you might like to go ahead with the deed poll to change your name legally. I've got my brother in law, Lenin Crosby, coming to help you out with that pro bono. He agrees with me that he'd like to help you get started with your new life. And that was even before we decided that you might be a potential client of 50 / 50 Press."

"That's wonderful Dr Erica, thank you. I've changed my mind and decided that I would like for my middle name to be Ruth. My Aunt said that was what my mother was going to name me if they had known I was a girl. My Mother still wont talk to me about it. So I'll be Joanna Ruth Wolfe."

There was a knock at the door right about then. Dr Erica got up to answer it as she finished talking to me.

That's a wonderful choice, Joanna. That must be Lenin now. I'll let him in and let myself out so you two can get the paperwork done."

"Hi Lenin. This is Joanna Ruth Wolfe. Thank you for coming. I'll leave you two to go over the details of her name change."

"You are welcome Erica. Hi Joanna. I'm Lenin. Let's get started."

We went through the legal paperwork and before long I understood what was expected and we had the papers ready for filing. I gave Mr. Crosby, who insisted that I call him Lenin, access to my Google files to place electronic copies of the filings and the response. I was very pleased that I would be not only Joanna legally but recognized as female on government documents due to the evidence given in Dr Dee Dee's declaration of gender letter. My birth certificate however was governed by Georgia law and they would not allow me to change that other than alter the name until I had Gender Affirming Surgery. Lenin worked at his laptop for a while as I looked on in amazement. Once Canada had gone totally electronic on legal filings, the more mundane things like the deed poll went through very quickly to completion. Soon Lenin turned to me as he smiled closing his laptop.

"It's all done. You'll need to go to the courthouse and pay the fee for legally certified hard copies but these digitally signed result copies in your Google files will be good for most purposes. We'll have to wait for Georgia to act on your name amended Birth Certificate. The States just have not caught up with us in legal filings and they particularly drag their heels on things that are politically charged like gender affirmation. It's been a pleasure to help you with this Joanna. Let me be the first to wish you happy naming day and a wonderful rest of your life."

"Thank you for all your help, Lenin. If I have anything to do with it, the rest of my life will be amazing. Thank you."

I brought up my new Canadian name and gender affirming documents and smiled at Lenin as he exited the room. After some tears of joy I closed that document and opened a new one. I worked on a new story like Dr Erika had requested and waited with anticipation of Brent Kennedy to come to see me. I also would multitask on my writing breaks to find an apartment with the aid of another of Dr Erika's friends, Jenny Zalen. We were holding off committing pending my possible publishing contract. if that materialized, I would be ready. With satisfying the triple needs of being of sound mind, having a job and a place to live, I could be released from the hospital and go on with my new life.

Finally I found myself face to face with Brent in the room where Dr Erika met with me. He had evaluated the manuscripts and seemed excited by them. He asked me some questions about them and the manuscript that I had just written including where I planned to go with it to bring it to completion. At the conclusion of our meeting, he set up another one with him, Erica, Julianne and me via video conference. He told me that it was possible after that I might be offered a contract.

Cutting to the chase, I was offered a contract with enough of an advance to get me set up living in an apartment that Jenny was able to help me find. Dr Dee Dee was able to get me released with my name change finished and I was able to sign the contract with 50/50 press.

Finally I was home in a sublet furnished apartment, busy both finishing writing my new book but also working with Brent to revise the earlier manuscripts to bring them up to the level we all knew I was capable of now.

Interesting enough, Dr Dee Dee was both a Gynecologist and a Endocrinologist too. It did not surprise me that she carried a great many trans patients since she had such a burning desire to follow in her father's footsteps. She like her father wanted to help people like her departed sister. She became my primary care doctor.

It helped Dr Erica document my case for gender affirmation based on Dr Dee Dee's remembrance of all of our Joanna time in junior high and high school. That along with Dr Erica's mysterious first hand knowledge of my past enabled me to skip some RLT time and Dr Erica came to Dr Dee Dee's office with a letter giving permission for HRT. She had earlier used the time travel thing on herself to become a board certified therapist as an online student.

Not only was she able to help me by being both a mundane and supernatural therapist but it helped in her personal life. It explained to her friends and co-workers her obvious talent for helping others in her life. I had already had medical monitoring and supply of the male hormone blockers that I had been getting on the internet before. Now I would be starting HRT for the second time in my life. This time it would be for good. Dr Dee Dee gave me my first shot of estradiol and all was right in that corner of my world.

I wanted so much to succeed that I worked so hard on my physical transition with Dr Dee Dee and my professional growth with Brent as my editor. I saw Erika Strange, as the head of 50 / 50 Press's fiction division but not as Dr Erika except for mundane monitoring of my mental state at Dr Dee Dee's office. Even though I was taking good care of those aspects of my life which seemed the most urgent for my well being, I was beginning to see that Dr Erika was right when I had left out whole categories of things when I listed my regrets.

My one window out of that focused world was Goblins. Brent and I would take a whole day regularly to work on editing issues at 50 50 Press. When it was time for a meal or a break we went out to Goblins who rented out 50 /50's office space.

Goblins was an upscale bar, coffee house and restaurant all rolled up into one run by a lovable gay married couple, the big lovable outgoing teddy bear Ivan and his husband a compact and introspective Dave.

Before, when I had been in Goblins it had been with Brent. Ivan had made sure that we were at a quiet table and were not disturbed each time. Only this evening, we finished up early since Brent was taking Julienne out for a romantic dinner. I didn't feel like cooking, so I found a table with a view of the stage and ordered my dinner. Ivan came over and smiled at me.

"May I join you or are you expecting someone to meet you here?"

"Sure Ivan. I just realized that while I know a lot of people, they are mostly professional relationships. I guess I've been too busy to let others into my life."

"Girlfriend you just said a mouthful. I'd like to be your friend and not just the guy who makes the best mochaccinos in Toronto. You are the first transgirl to frequent Goblins even though Dave and I try to make it a welcoming place."

"Oh goodness, you read me? I want to take a more public accessibility once the book comes out, not as an activist mind you, more like an example of how normal we mostly are. I just wanted a little time to try to learn to fit in before I have to share my life. What were my cues?"

"Nothing you did, Joanna or failed to do. You are a perfect lady and you are lucky enough to not have any male puberty issues to overcome. It's in your eyes. Something shows when you have been rejected as dead from your family. I've seen that look on too many of my friends in the community at large but particularly hits trans girls like you hard."

"Losing my family has caused a hole in my life. I picked up and ran away to try to get away from their shame for me. I left behind those who helped me early on in life since I let religious chains keep me from my true journey then and parted from them. It's only after my near suicide that I finally renewed ties with them through Dr Dee Dee."

"You'll have to make your own peace with God. The legalists, like those who would turn their back on their own child, have their own agenda. You'll want to decide if you are willing to be bound by their chains."

"You are right, Ivan. I guess you did see me wince when I saw you kissing Dave. Just since I was raised that way is no reason to hurt a friend. I do count you as a friend. Please forgive me."

"Of course, girlfriend. You really need to find a way to forgive yourself and get loose from those chains. When you are ready, I can clue you in o the social scene for the community here in Toronto. You really need to form some friendships with some other girls like you. Just let me know when you are ready and I'll help."

"Thanks Ivan. Know now that I'm letting loose from that particular hang up of mine here and now. I love you guys and a girl in a glass house like needs all her friends. You are right that I need to work on the whole mess and I am going to make that a priority."

"You go girl! Loosen up and have some fun tonight!"

Ivan got back to tending to other customers and I got up to tend to things in the little girl's room. But I never got there. Instead I walked into Dr Erika's office.

"That door is a bathroom. Joanna, please feel free to tend to things before we start."

"Thank you Dr. Erica. I'm glad you know the value to a woman to have access to a bathroom when she needs one."

I took care of things in there and was much more relaxed as I joined Dr Erica at her desk.

"How are you settling in to your new life, Joanna?"

"Medically and professionally I seem to be doing well. But you know that already. I seem to be letting old ideas about religion hold me back. I can't do anything be about my family rejecting me but I don't want that to hold me back from being friendly and making friends."

"Ivan is right that you ought to be around other transwomen. Since you are presently the only transwoman I have for a patient, we need to find another outlet other than group sessions for you to be around others like you."

"You are right of course but I'm not as comfortable as I would like to be in social situations."

"Tell me about the National Honor Society State chaplain election that a girl in your high school was seeking. You wrote: 'To not have taken the hard bible thumping line with a girl wanting to be chaplain for a club and support her knowing I was really a girl too' "

"That was Beth Howard, a senior girl that I hardly knew as a sophomore. I was running in those circles a little since as a freshman, I lucked into being a student council representative by being the next highest vote getter when one freshman left school at mid term. At the end of my freshman year, I ran for Student Council Treasurer and used the nick name the senior jocks had for me "Georgy the Grits Gobbler". My campaign slogan was that I would not be Gobbling Grits, that I would be serving you.

It worked so well that instead of being a laughing stock, I became kind of a mascot for the seniors. I defeated a rising senior girl to win election. I also was the face of the elections being the only one pictured sharing the front page with a picture of the Lt. Gov. of our state who spoke at our school. Instead of showing understanding for the girl who wanted to being Chaplain, I spouted bible verses like my Dad used to put down women instead of understanding the true meaning of what the bible was teaching."

"And if you had to do it again?"

"If I had it to do it again, I would support her in spite of being questioned by my Dad and to explain to him that I did not feel legalism was being true to the bible's teachings."

"Let's find out. Make sure you make allowances for the change that you introduced earlier."

The room started spinning but when it stopped, I was George again. A different George since I still had not gone through male puberty with a few hints of female characteristics that I covered up with elastic and the way I dressed. I stopped and looked on the clock in the hall way and discovered that I had about a half hour before home room. I was about to head for Mr. Sheffield’s room when I had a nudge on my right shoulder with a feminine finger. I turned around and saw Dee Dee.

"You were so smart to get permission to go to the home rooms to collect student council dues as Treasurer, George. It makes it easier for you to sneak out to be you know who. Here's the key to the secret dressing room. Break a leg, Jo Jo."

Dee Dee, as she put the key in my hand which I held on to tightly, looked around and then snuck me a quick hug, turned me towards the gym, patted my fanny and sent me on my way. Fortunately on the way I took a slight detour when I saw Dr Erika in a janitorial uniform cleaning an empty classroom.

"George, you having Dee Dee as a 'sister from another mother' had changed your junior high experience since you as George acted the role of Dee Dee's boyfriend in public while she and her parents made some Joanna time for you in private. They actually moved into a new development in the Campbell High School district out of the Wills High District so you both could continue to go to the same school. But you couldn't be her boyfriend in high school. Besides not being believed, Dee Dee needed to be free to have a real boyfriend."

"I remember now and I know what this key goes to that she slipped me. Dee Dee had nailed down the freshman spot on the Panther's cheerleading squad when she tried out. During Joanna time she drilled me on another cheerleading part that I found out when I was able to do it in costume was for the departing secret mascot's replacement. Her parents rented a professional type Pink Panther costume for me to do the tryouts in and I won the part as secret mascot. This key is to the dressing room where the costume is stored where I'll change and then join the cheerleading squad for the pep rally for first period."

"You get to hang out with Dee Dee as part of the cheerleading squad. You did it all last year as a freshman and now you are back this fall as a sophomore to do it again."

"Thanks for the heads up! I gotta go find my head and the rest of me."

I giggled and moved on to my destination which I already knew about except the first time around, I had no clue that particular door would be so significant to me now. I arrived at the secret room, let myself in and got changed and then bounced out as the Campbell Panthers Mascot into the hall way where the rest of the squad waited including Dee Dee.

It was really fun to cheer for the team and perform for the students. All too soon the pep rally was over. The cheerleaders covered for me as I disappeared back into the secret room to get changed into ordinary George. In keeping with the status that the Senior Jocks had confirmed on me as a sort of mascot, I was accepted into the cheerleader's clique as if protecting me from the Jock's teasing. It was one cover upon another so that no one would suspect the geeky guy that hung with the cheerleaders was actually on the squad.

The rest of the school day went kind of normal for the role I had now. I was a protected person since the jocks had made it known that I was under their protection and only they had the right to tease me. I also stood out since I was the improbable Student Council Treasurer. My surprise was when I was motioned over to a table of senior girls by none other than Beth Howard and indicated that I should sit by her.

"Hi George. Thanks for sitting with us so I could talk to you. I know that your Father is a big stickler for a strict interpretation of what the bible says. I'm going to run into people like him running for Georgia NHS Chaplain. Dee Dee says that you are the smartest and most companionate person that she knows. Do you have any clues on how I could talk to them since you have witnessed what they are capable of from close up."

"At first look what they say makes a lot of sense to someone whose head has been filled with that. Being so hung up on things not to do, they have earned the label, as legalists."

"So they are the kind of people who feel better about themselves by pushing another person down. They have a lip service to the grace of God but they feel better about what they do and don't do concerning themselves."

"They don't realize that by judging others, they reveal what kind of person that they are in reality. 'Judge not that you be not judged'"

"So what can we respond about the verses from Paul's epistles that they use to put women down?"

"Remember that when interpreting the scripture, it's more than just the literal words. You also have to consider the context of the writing as well as the times that they were written. Remember in the early church, women were not allowed to participate at all or even be present when the believers gathered to worship. While Paul's rules seem very restrictive to women taking part in worship and leading, these were radical steps designed to give women their first voice in the church.

Paul realized that in going from no participation or presence in worship to becoming a part of worship, things needed to be done in steps so that the people could adjust to what was right.

By the same token someone reading those scriptures today should interpret them that we should be equally radical in integrating women into worship as Paul directed to the early church in his time."

"That's a very refreshing insight from a man, George. Have you talked to your Father about the way you feel about this?"

"No, but I intend to do so. I hope that I can do it in a manner where it's less likely that he'll interpret it as directed as disrespect towards him instead of a different religious view."

"Good luck with that, George. I see that you don't have all the answers either but you are very knowledgeable about the bible. I hope he listens and doesn't shut you down."

I spent an enjoyable lunch with Beth and her senior friends. Actually Beth's conversation with me was overheard by the others at the table since we made no attempt to make it secret. It started an interesting conversation among the girls about not only how women were treated in the church but also in society at large. I learned that male privilege was something very real by the experiences of the girls being slighted as compared to their brothers and other male acquaintances. By the time that they were thru, I could see how being looked on by the senior jocks as I had, that even I had some aspects of male privilege withdrawn from me.

The next topic of discussion was this year's cheerleading squad after the new members had been integrated into the mix. We spent the rest of the lunch period praising the new mascot that with only one year on the squad was surpassing in dance the one before.

I guessed that no matter how good that I was in following the routines that there would be variances from what the last person in the suit did. It made me feel good to know that my skill was appreciated. I hoped my poker face was good enough to let them see that joy on my face since it would be difficult to explain away.

The rest of the school day proceeded normally. I had Dee Dee in all of my afternoon classes and we got to talk before and after class in the cheerleader clique where I orbited at the edge. I was close enough to chime in but far enough away for my supposed status as protected.

Finally I got to go to the National Honor Society (NHS) meeting after school. I could freely participate in activities since I was close enough to walk home. Most of the time my parents didn't know exactly what club I was in but that I was staying after school for a club. That's how I was able to participate in cheerleader practice without letting them know exactly what I was doing.

At the NHS meeting, I took my place as part of the general membership. I was an officer in a lot of clubs but not this one. When the time in the meeting came up for new business, we were told of Beth's desire to run for state chaplain. In order to do so, it required a motion by the club to place her in nomination at the state meeting.

Beth's friend Jill made the motion and I raised my hand and was called on to second the nomination. I was so pleased that our club was sending Beth as our nominee for State Chaplain. This time I had taken a stand that I could be proud of taking. I expected that soon I would be asked to account for my actions by my father. I felt like I could express what I needed to say. Once I had done that, I could leave behind the nonsense like my reaction to Ivan and Dave.

The next evening passed quietly enough. As active as the rumor mill was, I did not expect it to catch up with me that night and I was right.

However, in my first period class, something happened that rocked my world. In front of the whole class, before he started on history, our teacher and head football Coach Sturtevant, asked me to be the team statistician. I would attend practices and all games in the press box taking stats for the team. I accepted of course since I suspected my Father would be keeping better track of my activities after challenging his beliefs. I wanted to decline but could not without revealing me as the Team Mascot. Dee Dee was in the class and heard the whole thing. After class we found a safe place to talk about it.

"Oh Jo Jo! I am so sorry. Somehow I feel this is better for you in the long run. This way you can retire as mascot without anyone knowing. You'll when we score after you record the details."

"Well, it will make things less complicated."

I had forgotten it but the Coach asked me in just the same way the first time around. Of course then there was no conflict since I wasn't part of the cheerleader squad.

"I'll get the costume laundered and break things to the rest of the squad. We'll need to recruit and train a new mascot as soon as we can. In the meantime we can do without like we have done in the past. Later on the squad will get together with you to give you the proper send off that each mascot has gotten."

"Thanks for looking after me Dee Dee and seeing to this."

At home I had to break it to my Father about joining the football team as Statistician. It was a pleasant chat and he was truly happy for me. I think that the good news took the edge off him questioning me over him hearing that I nominated a female for NHS Chaplain. I was able to voice my concerns in a manner consistent with him not feeling that I was disrespecting him. While he wasn't too pleased to hear my view differed from his, instead of dismissing it out of hand and sticking to the party line, he told me that he would study it. I hoped that study would help him be a little less judgmental in his dealings with others and especially me.

Not as surprising, I ended up spinning in my head and winding back in Dr Erika's office.

"Are you satisfied with what happened, Joanna?"

"Yes, Dr Erica. I know that just taking one stand for grace and understanding was not enough to solve things. I have begun both here and then looking at things in different ways. I feel that Kirk's son David might have been addressing me in Star Trek II instead of Kirk: 'They are good words, that's what ideas are made of. You should listen to them.' I have listened and I plan on continuing to listen to them and allow myself to change."

"Joanna, your friendship with Beth provided both you with something you did not expect from earning her respect that day. Beth had, by the time you and Dee Dee were preparing to enter college became associated with Harvard University admissions. Even before this, Dee Dee was already destined to be awarded a full academic scholarship to Harvard University where she obtained her medical degree. You and Dee Dee told Beth that you were secretly Joanna and Beth used that to offer you the chance to qualify for a full scholarship to Harvard, endowed by a transwoman who had hit the lottery. The catch was that you would have to fully transition in order to take advantage of this offer. Since you were not ready to go public, you politely declined the offer. You instead went to GA Tech as before.

"May I add another regret? I guess that last regret that I added would apply to this situation too? If I had come out to my Grandmother and Grandfather, during that summer before high school that I stayed with them, They would have known me truly as Joanna before they both died."

"Yes, if you were to have transitioned after high school, you would have been eligible for the scholarship and could have gone to Harvard with Dee Dee. ok I'll let you add that regret about your grandparents to your list, Joanna. Here is your list."

I took my list from Dr. Erica with the pen she held out to me and I begun to write. 'To have come out as Joanna to my Grandmother the summer I spent in the lawnmower shop with my Grandfather in Brunswick.' With a mischievous look in my eyes, I wrote another entry hoping that Dr. Erica would not make me cross it out, 'To have gone away to summer camp with Dee Dee out in California after my freshman year at High School.' When I was back in High School, Dee Dee had told me about the great summer camp, her father had gotten her into for girls who aspired to be a doctor. If I went, I would have had to be Joanna for the entire summer. I handed my list back to Dr. Erica, who immediately saw that I had added a second item to the list by the look in her eyes.

"That was sneaky of you, Joanna and you may keep the second addition to your list as well. But your dealing with Beth in the past is only half of why you are here to see me, Joanna."

"Another regret?"

"You had so many acquaintances in High School even being the geek and even more so being a 'Peter Pan'. What you have been doing is important but you need more than acquaintances, you need true friends, Joanna but your new life won't be complete without letting in more than the professionals who want to help you but ordinary people. People have so much to share with you if you'll only let them in."

"I guess that if I want to be open as a Transwomen, I should be comfortable enough to associate with them. And they do have things to share with me since I haven't been openly a woman for long no matter how I look."

"You have my blessing to go meet the people that Ivan knows. And to loosen up and let other people into your life as well. Don't judge everyone's reaction by your parents. You are a good person and they are the exceptions."

"Thanks Dr Erika. Guess my bathroom break is over, huh?"

"See ya, Joanna"

I walked back thru the door I originally had stepped thru to enter Dr Erika's office. I came back and found Ivan and smiled at him.

"Ivan, I place myself in your hands."

"It's about time, Girlfriend. Please know that Dave and I feel you are family, and we see how you love both of us individually and together. You've got to let the mundane folk in but also give room for family so you can have a family of choice."

"You are right, Ivan. I've been so into my own issues that I haven't given a chance to let anyone that I don't already know in."

"For tonight what I would like for you to do is to eat, drink and get to know some of the best people in the world who also frequent Goblins. And I want you to try at least one song since we are doing Karaoke tonight. Don't worry about getting home tonight since I'll be your designated driver."

"Thank you Ivan for caring so much for me."

"You are so welcome, Girlfriend."

I did as directed and had a wonderful time. I didn't get plastered but I had a nice buzz going that helped me to relax. I met a whole lot of wonderful people.

A young soulful singer named Kai sang something otherworldly that touched my soul which seemed very much before it's time. At one point Dave, Ivan and I planed out a day to introduce me to the community. We would finish up at an open Transgender Support group, which I was looking forward to joining.

Finally my number came up and as I looked out in the crowd I saw Dr. Erika and her Dr. hubby. I sang for all I was worth, Ariel's theme from Disney's Little Mermaid, "Part of your world." I must have done well since the emotion that I sang with was witnessed on many of their faces including Dr Erica. The applause at the end was intoxicating.

I wish I could say that I found a special gentleman but I wasn't ready for that. The result was better as I was welcomed to a table of women when they found I was sitting alone. I made several new friends that night but I made no better friends than the girlfriends who accepted me as one of them.

I was glad that I listened to Ivan but even more that I got a 2 for 1 regret handled. One for Ivan and Dave and also one for Beth of the NHS. And to top it off, I could have a good time with new friends. Who knew?

When I got back to my apartment, the first thing that I did was look for a email from Tina. I had caught up with all of her messages and responded to those aspects of them that I had not addressed yet. Tina had my phone number and my new skype name so we stayed in touch most days. With as busy as I had been, email seemed to be the best way to keep in touch. I was about to compose a reply when I noticed that Tina was online via skype. I took a chance and initiated a skype video call. When the skype music ended there was Tina on my I book screen.

"Hi Jo Jo. You are looking good girl. I was wondering when you would stay put in one place long enough to check in with me via skype."

"You are looking good yourself, Tina. Pink hair eh? That's a different look for you!"

"Oh yeah?"

She reached up and brought a strand of pink hair into her view. She just smiled really big and was on the verge of a giggle.

"You're right! I was at a concert earlier and I guess I didn't get all of the pink out yet. What's going on with you girl?"

"I finally got up the courage to participate in the Karaoke at Goblins. Bet you will never guess what I sung?"

"Let's see? What would the girl with the Ariel the Little Mermaid bed spread on her bed (Nice Girl!) sing? 'Part of your World'!"

No fair! You cheated! Yeah I sung 'Part of your World' and they said that I did great."

"Who are they?

"Just a group of ladies that I met at Goblins after singing. I got their numbers and we are going to meet up at Goblins and do the town."

"You are finally making friends there! Good for you!"

"I told you about Ivan? He's getting me connected with a transwomen support group. Things are coming together finally."

"And how are you doing on the legal HRT?"

"I'm doing well. I know that it's too early for physical differences to show yet but I'm better mentally just knowing it is in my body."

"And the writing?"

"Flowing well and the best work that I have ever done."

"Has Dr. Naadiah responded to your apology yet?"

"Not yet, Tina I know that she's still looking out for me or she would not have sent Dr. Erica to me. I guess the best thing that I can do to make it up to Dr Naadiah is to live a good life. Dr Erika says that she'll show up when we are both ready for the meeting."

"I'm sure she's right. Just be ready if she demands something from you when she does see you. She seems like that kind of woman. Above all she has your best interest at heart so I trust her."

"I agree with you Tina. Well I have another full day tomorrow so I guess I ought to let you go. Bye Tina."

"Bye Jo Jo. Love ya girl!"

Tina disappeared from the screen, and I closed up the iBook. I rejoiced in the normalcy of my bedtime routine. Soon I was in my nightgown snuggled under the covers. I wondered what tomorrow would bring.

Chapter Four: Regret ~ SUZY

When you are a writer for a living, as I finally was, thinking about things was part of my stock in trade. I cursed the necessity for secrecy surrounding this time travel therapy. What a great story I could write if only I could reveal what was going on with me. Of course I would write it as fiction since it would never be believed if I held it out as the truth that it was actually.

I took my first trip back and time and found that being receptive and kind to Dee Dee instead of mocking her yielded a true friend to me in Junior High. The result of that friendship in Junior High was gaining her father for a Doctor who prescribed male puberty preventing hormones thru age 18. When you add together that I never went thru male puberty with the female hormones I scored in college it resulted in the woman’s body I was now blessed.

While that trip back in time was powerful, It had not gotten to the core of why even with a body like this, I had never transitioned openly. As my body had gotten more and more lovely, it took a lot more effort to maintain the illusion of my appearing male. I borrowed every trick in the book from my FTM brothers. I would have made it much easier on myself if I had just let things take their course and be the woman outwardly that I was inwardly.

What I had gotten was the perfect outlet for my true self since underneath the drab disguise of pseudo-masculinity was a babe. All I had to do was uncover her to enjoy her even if I didn’t dress up. All thru Junior High and High School, I had friends who kept my secret and Joanna got to be out with them. I kept it all covered up from my parents who had freaked when Joanna showed up that day. I had to even more closely imprison Joanna in the closet.

After my second trip back in time, I managed to purge myself of the influence my parent’s bigotry had rubbed off on me. But when it came to standing up for myself and being my true self, I just could not do it. All I had to do was accept the scholarship that my new friend Beth had gotten for me and went off to Harvard with Dee Dee as Joanna. Yet I still chose to stay at home and in the closet.

I was beginning to understand what Dr. Erica was trying to tell me that I had left out whole aspects of my life with my secret focus that if only I had transitioned sooner then all would be well in my life. Instead of thriving with a mostly female body, I had to work even harder to keep the true me covered up not only mentally but physically as well. In order to straighten out my life with the right decisions, I would have to find a way to instead of hiding my challenges, deal with them out in the open. When I was able to stand up for myself then a fully transitioned Joanna would result since that is who I really am.

At least in the present things were going okay in my new life as Joanna. I was meeting in the secret TG support group that I had been given an introduction. What had really spurred my recounting of my story so far was that even though I was easily the most blessed physically, my confidence out in public with the girls from the group was lacking.

If I had some self confidence then to a casual observer, they would assume I had to be the girlfriend of one of the group and could not be part of it. Instead the incongruity was jarring as it was obvious in spite of how appearances were that I was very much a part of the group. Imagine my surprise when some of the girls who didn’t pass nearly as well as I did not want to be around me. Someone explained that with all the attention I was drawing to myself, those small flaws in the girls around me were enough with the senses made aware to have them clocked as well as me.

"Earth to Joanna! You’ve been studying that menu so intently like it’s the text book for some course that you have to pass or get left back. I know you must know that menu better than I do and I’m an owner here at Goblin’s. What gives girlfriend?"

"Sorry, Brent. Sorry, Ivan. I was thinking that I’ve made so much progress but there is so much more that is left for me to get right. Ivan, I’ll have the special with an Arnold Palmer."

"So a penny for them. Okay a whole dollar!"

I don’t know that I’m ready to be out in public with the girls. It’s not that I mind being with them, I love being with them. It’s just that I’m so nervous that I get clocked and so do some of the girls with me who would not be clocked ordinarily.

"Ordinarily, I would not meddle and let you find your own way in your own time, Joanna but we have that book tour coming up. Selling yourself sells books."

"What do you have in mind, Brent?

"If this emotional crisis has been taken care of in adolescence, then your mother would have had any number of options to allow you to naturally overcome your shyness."

"Little things like classes in Ballet, Piano, Singing or Acting. Maybe, she would have even get you involved in a girl’s sport like Figure Skating, Gymnastics, Cheerleading or Beauty Pageants. Right, Brent?"

"That’s right, Ivan. We don’t have time for those so I have just the crash course that you need, Joanna."

"I’m almost afraid to even ask. What might that be, Brent?"

"Break out your highest stiletto heels, Joanna. I’m sending you to Spoke’s Model School."

"Really? Not Charm School?"

"That’s so nineteenth century! The arrangements are all made. They have your measurements so you don’t even have to pack. The next two weeks you are going to spend in total immersion as a model. The limo will pick you up here and take you to the agency as soon as you finish your lunch here. Ivan, told me that you had to have one last good meal before becoming a starving model."

"I accept, not that either of you were going to give me any choice. The writing is at a good place right now and even I can see that I need this."

I drew them both into a group hug as I continued to speak, “Thank you both, my wonderful friends. I wonder what this will be like, hopefully I’ll find the strength to see this through to the end."

"Girlfriend, you’ll be surprised what you can do if only you can put all thoughts of not doing it out of your mind." said Ivan with a grin as he left us to get out orders.

Before long, Ivan came back with both mine and Brent’s lunches and we began to eat them. It was good that I was eating since I had an excuse for another thinking session. Since I really didn’t have much of girlhood, I really had no clue what this modeling boot camp had in store for me. From the tight lipped smiles on both Brent and Ivan’s faces, I saw that they were holding something back for a surprise.

I just hoped that I would be up to whatever it was. Even more I wanted to do well so they both would be proud of me. It felt good having someone proud of me again. I missed so much that approval from my parents ever since I came out to them even though I put it back in the closet things were never the same for us.

"Joanna, I’ve fudged a couple of things for your stay so that we can keep the story of you being TG out of the mainstream media till we are ready to hit with your first book. Your personal dresser for your stay is being employed by 50 50 Press. She has signed a confidentiality agreement not to disclose your status."

“What’s her name, Brent?"

“Her name is Rita Martinez and she’ll arrive in the limo and assist with your clothing change prior to arriving at your destination, Rita will abide by the rules in place there unless they would interfere with maintaining your secrecy. Rita is a SFX makeup artist and you will be wearing a special makeup allowing you to be just like the other girls even nude."

"Wow, you don’t ever do things by half measures, Brent! Thank you so much for making this as authentic as possible for me. I’m sure that I will learn a lot."

I had finished up lunch and nodded to Brent that I was ready to go. Brent escourted me outside where a large white stretch limo was pulling up to the curb as we approached. Brent opened the door for me and I tucked myself inside.

"Thank you, Brent!"

"Good luck, Joanna!"

Brent closed the door for me and the limo left as I turned to see a very well put together young Latina in the seat beside me.

"Hi you must be Miss Martinez, I’m Joanna. I’m glad to be able to work with you for the next two weeks."

"Hi Joanna, please call me Rita. We have to get your outfit changed before we arrive. Just put yourself in my hands and I’ll make this as easy as possible for you."

"Thanks Rita. I’m all yours."

Rita closed off the back of the limo and made the glass one way so we had privacy as she had me take off everything. She had her full SFX kit which was needed since she used an appliance to make my groin fit in with the rest of the beautiful female me. Not only was she expert in doing the makeup both places. My lips looked luscious. She was more than a pro getting me dressed in the car with the most excellent lingerie and gown. All the accessories were added including what she said were my training pumps which were only two inch spike heels.

"You’ll be going up a half inch a day till you get to the sky scraper heels. The School realizes that any sensible woman would not be caught dead in model height heels. They find that there are less injuries that way as long as all of the heels used are pre broke in properly."

"That will help even though I’m sure that most of these women will have learned how to handle heels when they were girls. While a refresher to them, this will be a challenge for me. One that I am eager to meet and enjoy learning."

"With the way you look now, Joanna, no one would guess that till recently you were a tomboy."

"I hope to keep it that way. Thanks, Rita."

The sign in the Archway of the entrance to the mansion that we pulled into to the driveway, read “Ellen’s Next Top Model.” Greeting the arrival at the door was none other than Ellen DeGeneres. Our driver stopped the limo at the red carpet when it was our turn. He expertly opened the door for me and helped both Rita and I out of the car. Just as the other pairs had done, we walked side by side and were greeted by Ellen at the door.

Just inside, Rita was diverted to a side room where the other dressers were enjoying refreshments while I followed the line into the large central room. The room was spacious and dominated by a large chandelier and with spiral staircases leading from the wings up to a balcony overlooking from the second floor.

I made small talk with the women there, learning their names and a bit about them. There was a pageant feel to this as we were on display being filmed with cameras from Ellen’s show. Well I was there to find out how to deal with being on camera and I had to agree that the immersion was very effective. Soon I learned to not make my awareness of the cameras stop me and even use the coverage for my advantage.

Ellen entered after the last girl had had a chance to mingle and called us to attention. There was this beautiful blonde girl in a long baby blue gown that was a match for my own caped wonder that had ended up in the middle of us all as we turned to face Ellen.

"I am very pleased to be here and help you all to learn first hand what it is like to be a model for TV cameras. Portions of your stay here will be broadcast and cameras will be almost everywhere. Unlike that 13 week competition of similar name, We’ll crown our winner in only two weeks. The eliminated models will continue with the separate training and one will have a chance to join the finalists. Daily segments will be a part of the Ellen show each day for the two weeks of ‘Ellen’s Next Top Model’ As I call your name, please come forward and receive your Ellen broach which will identify you as still in the running. And we’ll start with Joanna."

I felt that I did well as the first one to come forward, greet Ellen, have her assistant pin the broach on me and then turn back to join the other contestants. One by one the others repeated the same tasks until last of all the woman in the dress which matched mine in color was called up, Stacy.

Knowing just what clumsiness was possible in a gown, the worst case scenario occurred with her as she stepped on her hem and tore her skirt off leaving her legs bare which were revealed to be artificial. They looked more like metal poles than legs. The group seemed to be divided, with some in shock and doing nothing, others began immediately to make fun of the woman being bold with their taunts.

I alone went into action, covering the space between us as gracefully as I could, walking with a purpose. As I walked, I removed the cape tied at my back and re oriented it in front of me. When I got to her, I formed my cape into a wrap skirt which covered her up. I gave her a hug and started walking her off into one of the side rooms. Before we could get there Ellen told everyone, “Freeze!”

I had no intention of freezing but one of Ellen’s production assistants took my place at Stacy’s side and led her into the side room we had almost reached. With Stacy taken care and I ending up facing Ellen, I froze with the others.

"Joanna, I am so very sorry for what I have to do next."

Ellen turned right toward me and smiled that pitiful smile that she does right before she pushes the trap door button on ‘Know or Go’.

"Joanna, your broach represents your life in the competition. Where is your broach?"

"Ellen, I used my Ellen broach to secure my cape into a skirt for Stacy. I gave it to Stacy.

Joanna, I have to ask you to leave. Please exit via the doors you came in at and you’ll be told what happens next. I am so sorry to see you go.

With as much class as I could muster on the outside, I did as I was told and gracefully walked out to the door where I had come in. Just below the surface was a multitude of emotions waiting to get out. I could not see why I was being punished for doing the right thing while those who had made fun of Stacy got off all free. I left the cameras behind as the mudroom doors closed behind me. But the door to the outside was not an ordinary door for me and I ended up in Dr Erica’s office.

"Don’t worry, Joanna. You’re safe here. You’ve been thru quite an ordeal so I thought you might like a chance to compose yourself."

"Thank you Dr. Erica. I had such hopes for this after Brent and 50 50 went to the trouble to set this up. Now I know why he and Ivan were holding back, Ellen! Wow, I’m such a fan!"

"And how do you feel about the way that Ellen made you leave?"

"I was a little angry and a lot hurt that I was punished for doing the right thing. Stacy needed my help and all I was doing was doing what I would have wanted someone to do any time I was in the same situation being outed."

"Did you do more than it was absolutely necessary to get things righted?"

"I guess. That production assistant that took over for me when Ellen called out was walking beside us most of the way over. I guess that the cape was fully secured with the ties and the broach that came with the cape. It was melodramatic for me to put that added protection on Stacy."

"That’s a pattern for you. You get all tied up in helping someone that it ceases to be the good thing in the beginning but becomes twisted up in co-dependency. Helping is good, Joanna, but you have to learn when it is too much. Giving them the dignity to overcome their challenges and become stronger in the process."

"Is it really a pattern for me, Dr Erica?"

"Joanna, you wrote:

Tell me about how everything started between you and Suzy."

"Well I did not meet her as Suzy. She was my new teacher for Spanish, Miss Adams. Mrs. Watson did so well getting students to fall for Spanish in the Junior High survey class when we had a quarter each of Spanish, French and Italian that she could no longer teach both at the Junior High and High School and meet all the demand. Miss Adams who I later knew as Suzy started teaching Spanish there and she taught me all three years of Spanish I took in High School."

"What made Miss Adams stand out for you as a teacher?"

"She ran her class room in such a new age style. Our class was immersive so everything was done in Spanish. Sometimes instead of doing the class work from the book like normal, she let us have a free day doing anything we liked just as long as we all spoke Spanish. Those goof off days made us work harder and learn more difficult vocabulary so we would have the words to communicate those topics all over the place that we ended up discussing."

"When did she become known as ‘Suzy the Psychic’?”

During one of our goof off days, the topic turned to things psychic. I’m pretty sure she steered the conversation in that direction. She revealed some of the things that had happened to her which led to her coming to rely on her psychic talent being real. At another day she told us that she was going to do a talk show on WSB AM (The voice of the south) Radio in primetime and she was going to be billed as Suzy the Psychic. The broadcast was a hit and became a regular event on WSB radio.

"How did you and Suzy bond as people?"

"It was when I had Spanish last period, and all the bus folks had left while I was waiting for final dismissal to go to an after-school club. I was just fooling around, and Joanna was visible more than George. I managed to gracefully place my back under the surface of the desk while I was still sitting in it. I picked up an item that dropped and before twisting back. Mrs. Watson had entered the class visiting with Suzy. Suzy turned to Mrs. Watson and declared “La Tortuga!” I instantly bonded with Suzy since she had recognized me with a female reference. I kinda forgot that all turtles are referred to as feminine in the abstract in Spanish.”

"So, when Suzy’s radio show became popular and the religious right began a crusade against Suzy what did you do?"

"I organized a campaign to not just keep Suzy teaching Spanish, I raised funds which powered a counter organization which began to crusade against the crusaders. It wasn’t enough to show the truth and let justice prevail. It got to the point that they could not even do the legitimate activities since they were so hamstrung with being punished."

"And did it end there?"

"Instead of getting a gender therapist like I should have in college, I supported Suzy in her counseling practice. I could have made progress even if it were too late for me to follow Dee Dee to Harvard. Suzy could have done fine on her own but instead she made a living off of people following my example to give her preferential treatment. "

":And if you had eased off in both places?"

"We ended up smothering her light in kindness. She never got strong enough to withstand adversity. There came a time when everyone forgot about her and she became lost in obscurity. Her light should still be burning bright to light the way for others but it’s gone out and who knows where she is now."

"And if you could go back now?"

"I’d try to find the resolution in High School that we also help by letting people show they are strong enough to stand on their own once the playing field is evened. “

"Let’s find out!"

The room spun around as the temperature dropped and suddenly I wasn’t in Dr Erica’s Office anymore. I was in Senorita Adam’s classroom and my back was under the writing surface of my desk. I looked up and Senora Watson entered the class. Senorita Adams pointed me and spoke.

"Ella es Juana La Tortuga!"(She is Joanna the Turtle)

As they giggled at the observation, I gracefully slid back upright in my chair and smiled at them both but especially at Suzy. Senora Watson looked at me and asked.

“Tu no eres Jorge, Tu eres Juana. Es verdad?"(You aren’t George, You are Joanna. True?)

"Es verdad! Es verdad pero necesitamos no digamosla hablar de Juana."( True, but let's say we need not talk about Joanna.)

"Este esta escondido. No hablamos sobre este. Verdad?" (This is hidden. We do not talk about this. Truth?)

"Es Verdad! Gracias, Senora Y Senorita." (It is Truth! Thank you, Mrs and Miss.)

“Senorita Adams, como lo sabes?" (Miss Adams, how did you know?)

"Vamos a hablar de ella má¡s tarde." (We are going to talk about her later.)

I could see that they were both sincere in keeping my secret. I already knew how Miss Adams learned about Joanna, She’s psychic as if I needed any further proof. The announcement releasing the walking students came soon after and I was off into the hall. I paused in earshot outside the door which I left open to see what Mrs. Watson might say to Miss Adams after I left.

"Suzy you really are psychic. That poor child! As the Georgia Educational Association liaison, I have news. The dolts on the Board of Education are in an uproar. Instead of being thankful for good publicity about students really learning from a unique teacher, they are ready to burn you as a witch. Our contract is ironclad so they can not sensor your freedom of speech in the media and have agreed that your contract to be an on air personality for WSB Radio is valid. However they say that they are accumulating evidence of a breach of the morality clause based on the innuendo."

"They are hoping I will voluntarily terminate my contract midterm in lieu of them acting against me formally. I won’t do it. That will give them just what they need to blackball me in GA and any where else they are narrow minded. I do a lot of good teaching and I don’t want to give that up."

"Hang in there, Suzy…"

"I sensed someone behind me and I turned and bumped directly into Dr Erica. I wasn’t sure who she was supposed to be but she grabbed me by the shoulder and led me down the hall away from the open door around a corner. We only stopped when she was able to direct me into an empty class room and closed the door. It was only then that I realized that she was dressed as a lunch lady ."

"Hi Dr Erica. Why are you dressed as a lunch lady?"

"Dee Dee needs to fill you in on the change of plans and she’s down in the cafeteria volunteering with the cheerleaders preparing for a donated dinner for the less fortunate. I think it may have something to do with Jenna being on a flight to Germany with her Mom, who has an emergency assignment as a nurse at the hospital at Ramstein AFB."

"But Jenna is the Pink Panther Mascot. Oh! Lead on!"

I was glad I had Dr Erica or ‘Blanche the lunch lady’ to lead me through the hall ways to the cafeteria and into the Kitchen where we found Dee Dee. Dee Dee thanked Blanche who went to the back to work on something while she led me the larder room which she closed and locked behind us. She seemed worried and gave me a hug of greeting.

"Jenna’s gone to Ramstein AFB and we don’t have a Pink Panther for tonight. This is our last event for the school year. I know this is short notice, but can you fill in tonight to help us meet and greet our guests and do the entertainment routines with us?"

"Of course I will, Dee Dee. I take it the normal cover up routine is in place for me for tonight as the secret mascot?"

"Got you covered, Jo Jo. Lucky it’s Friday because your parents think you are going to a weekend church camp. You are really going to spend a Joanna weekend with me afterward. What’s on your mind, Jo Jo? I can tell its more than this."

"Two things. One is that the Board of Education is going to crucify Miss Adams over that psychic gig she has at WSB radio and try to get her banned from teaching."

"What’s your take on what we should do?"

"The trouble is the misinformation and trying her in the media. If we can get a group of leaders who will lend voice and money to the effort of getting the truth out. This would not be out for revenge or to smear the flunks who want to witch hunt a good teacher. Revenge and fighting the battle for her would both harm her in the end and we want to help."

"I’m proud of you, Jo Jo. I know that Mother and Daddy would want to help so we can discuss it with them this weekend. What’s the other thing?"

"Suzy the psychic, our Miss Adams, really is psychic. She sensed that I am Joanna and she confronted me with it while Mrs. Watson was there to tell her about the Board witch hunt. I admitted it so they both know and they both say they will keep my secret."

"I think they will. Okay as before you need to be Joanna under the costume so I’d like you to go ahead and go to the secret room and get ready. Momma brought over what you’ll need to change into and left it in this carry-on . Take it and go get ready then come back here. You can take the greeting duty for the early arrivers while we change into our uniforms for tonight."

"Okay, I’m off."

I took the carry-on that Dee Dee had indicated and exited the larder and the kitchen. I made my way down the hall. Eventually I found myself in front of the secret door and standing beside it none other than Miss Adams.

"Aren’t you going to invite me in where we can have a private chat?"

"How do you know about that?"

"Hello! Psychic here but more than that Teacher here."

"Duh! Of course, just let me get this."

After checking that we were unobserved, I opened the secret door and let both of us in with my bag and then closed it behind us and turned on the lights.

"Joanna, after what you overheard in the hall after you left, I felt that our discussion should be sooner rather than later. Thank you for what you intend to do. I sense that your heart is truly in the right place and that the people you will lead can get the truth out where I can’t right now due to the media spin."

"Wow you are really good Miss Adams. I’m sorry for listening at the door. I wasn’t trying to pry into your challenge. I’ve had others to disappoint me after I disclosed being Joanna to them. I’ve heard of things like what I’m planning helping with hysteria with someone in the TG community doing good and I wanted that for you."

"When we are alone, please call me Suzy, On the subject of you being Joanna, I’d like to give you a reading now. I know that you have not asked for one but I want to do this for you. After this, I’d like for you to leave that aspect of counseling out of our relationship. After this is over and you are an adult we can renew a closer friendship."

"Why Suzy?"

"They would bring you into the media circus with me and that would take you away from the path that you are on and that you could be on and into a permanent media spectacle. “

"The media can be a force for good or not so good. How long did you have in mind? I would like to be ready in my costume to help greet the guests of the dinner tonight.

"Not long and I will help you into your costume so you’ll be able to be ready with my help about the same time as if you were doing it alone."

"You are coming to a crossroads in your life when you become an adult. In order to truly be Joanna, you must make a leap of faith to trust that you have friends and family of choice who will help you not to stumble as you take your first steps into the light."

"Do your best to make it possible for you to make that leap of faith by putting in place your network of family of choice and friends. While the best network can’t make the right decision for you, they can be there to catch you when you fall."

"Forgive the transgressions of those family who should support you but work against you. Do this not for them but for yourself so that you can cope with them leaving you on your own to meet this challenge. Ballast is to discard when the time is right to propel you upward to greater heights."

"Do your best to help others in their journeys even with different challenges. Find something you want to share and teach it to others."

"Change is difficult but it is so necessary. While it may seem to be a female behavior to stay at your parent’s home as an adult, that resistance to change leads to defeat. Strike out on your own to give you the freedom to follow your destiny."

"Put in place the safety net that you will need as an adult while you are still a child. That way the future won’t seem as scary if you have prepared for it."

While Suzy was talking with me, she was helping me first become Joanna again and then into the costume. I hung on her every word so we truly did multitask this conversation with my getting ready. When we had finished, we paused our chat while we both looked at me to see if I passed muster.

"You look great Miss Pink Panther. My work is done here. As much as I would like to help you, I can’t take the function away from a real gender therapist and you need to hire a real one as soon as you turn 18. “

"That’s what I see I need to do now too, Suzy. I’ll make the preparations before I turn 18 so that I’ll be ready to make the right decision."

"That’s all I can ask, Joanna. Dr Erica is doing good things for you so help her help you."

"Are you a Doctor like Dr. Erica?"

"We are in different aspects but I know of her work mostly through you. You should go now. I’ll tidy up and see myself out."

"Thank you for everything, Suzy. Bye for now."

As I went back thru the secret door, instead of going out into the school, I went into Dr Erica’s office but thankfully I was dressed as I had been when I originally arrived in the office.

"Dr Erica, Suzy sends her regards. She’s a big fan of your work."

"She should be. You see that things started out just like before when you intervened but when things started getting rough for Suzy, You was a true friend behind the scenes. you led the effort that evened the playing field. Suzy became stronger thru the adversity and she parlayed her success on the Radio into a foundation that supported excellence in teaching with thinking outside the box. Her being Suzy the Psychic became a footnote when she became known as Suzy the Visionary".

"What about the Dunderheads on the witch hunt?

"The community showed the Dunderheads so much compassion in Suzy’s name that they flew, not drove out of town, hoping to find a remote corner for them to practice their hate speech where people did not know their playbook."

"It was such a relief to me that I was through with the hating and revenge since it only harmed me in the end and harmed the person that I was trying to protect. While I have left that co-dependency behind, have others remained? Did I make the right choice to go to Harvard with Dee Dee?"

"Not yet Joanna. You still part with Dee Dee and go to Georgia Tech. However, just one meeting with Suzy after graduating High School leads you to get into Gender Therapy in College even though you still stayed stealth. Instead of flunking out of Tech, you get your EE degree and end up going back to get a Masters and Doctorate as well."

“So I'm Dr. Wolfe, PHD now? That’s better but still living a lie. I guess I still have some co-dependencies left that have held me back from making the right choice. Could I think about what Suzy said to me and then perhaps add a regret later?"

“That seems like a wise choice, Joanna and that would be fine. Are you ready to face what awaits you as you leave my office and finally make it out the front door of the mansion?"

"I’ve learned that sometimes you have to go it alone to do the right thing and as long as your motivation is not revenge or punishment that things do come out right in the end even if it takes a long time to get there. Even though I am impatient at times, It is important to know I’m on the right road if I make the right choices in my life. I’m ready."

Dr Erica came from behind the desk and gave me a hug. I composed myself and walked out the door into the light which in this case was the exterior of the mansion. Another assistant from the Ellen show gave me a hug.

"So sorry sweetie. The dramatics were for TV but you passed the test. Stacy was acting a part we asked her to play. She’s not really shy at all about showing her metal limbs and she likes to prove that its about her ability not her disability. Of course given the fact that she acted as though exposing her limbs upset her in order to give an occasion to anyone shallow enough to deride her for her appearance meant that your reaction was exemplary. I’m to take you to a green room where you’ll know what is going on inside and be prepped with Stacy to be ready for your big entrance."

I’ll look forward to meeting the real Stacy. Lead on!"

We went thru a side door thru a maze then into the room where makeup artists were standing by to make us look our best. Stacy was already there and was being made up. I was taken to the chair beside Stacy’s. I gave Rita a quick hug and then got into the chair where she did her magic with me. Stacy was in a stunning gown which did not cover up her amazing metal limbs.

"Hi Stacy, I understand you were playing a role. I really admire the person that Georgia just told me that you really are. I hope that I did not offend you."

"Not at all Joanna. I am flattered that you were so taken in by my acting role. I have to admit that even knowing who I am now that if someone presented in the same way then I would have had to have reacted in the same way. Not all of us so challenged have the same gifts that I have but perhaps more will find them through me."

Ladies, you can see on the monitors that Ellen has called forward each of contestants who derided Stacy and took their broaches and passed them thru to the second chance competition. In a moment you two will be queued to walk out as Ellen announces you both as the Winners of this competition and both having an exemption from elimination at the next test."

"Stacy and I stood hand in hand at the door to the green room which was open and we could hear what was going on for ourselves. We both had our Ellen broaches pinned to our gowns."

"While we could not reward being abusive to a participant and those who did paid the price by entering the losers bracket, We also could not reward those who just stood by and did nothing when someone was in need. While the rules are important, the exceptions we make show our humanity. For that reason, both Joanna and Stacy are awarded the winners of this challenge and will have immunity from elimination in the next challenge. I’d like you to meet again, Joanna and Stacy."

We walked out and joined Ellen on her right side with Stacy being closest to Ellen.

"We asked Stacy to play a role for this challenge that is not how she is in real life but how many who have this challenge actually are at present. In reality Stacy does not shy away from exposing her legs and she revels in the ability they give her. We asked her to place herself in a position that was not true to her being and did amazing. Congrats Stacy, you are in line to become Ellen’s next top model. One of your perks for passing the test is that you get a special tutor for the next test, please welcome Stacy’s tutor, super model, Tyra Banks."

Tyra came out being her usual fierce self and joined Stacy. Tyra lifted Stacy’s arm into the air as a victor’s salute. She took her place between Ellen and Stacy where room had been made for her.

"We’ll have more later from Tyra including an interview letting us know all about her next project. But for now, Tyra and Stacy will be going where they will have a chance to get acquainted. Thank you, Tyra and Stacy."

Tyra and Stacy walked off to applause. Stacy seemed giddy with her luck in being able to spend time with Tyra. Next came my turn as I closed up the gap and stood at Ellen’s right hand.

"Next we have Joanna who was the only one of the girls who tried to help Stacy as she portrayed distress at having her limbs exposed. Not only did you comfort her, but you also were very crafty in making a skirt out of your cape which matched and looked great but also held on in place. She had to undergo a second test of her composure under duress when we claimed she was eliminated from the competition due to her removing her broach to use in securing the cape as a skirt. Joanna passed that test with flying colors and obviously we made an exception to the broach rule when using it helped another girl. Joanna, you too have won this test and have immunity from elimination at the next test. You too have the services of a Super Model coach through the next test. Please welcome super model, Linda Evangelista!"

Linda came out every bit as proud and an even louder reception than Tyra. Linda is still Canada’s number one super model. I was a very happy camper as she took her place between Ellen and I and she raised my hand in the air as a winner’s gesture. Ellen gave Linda a stage cheek kiss as she greeted her.

"We’ll have more later with Linda as we all are longing to catch up with what she has been doing lately as she is interviewed later. For now. Linda and Joanna will be going off to be acquainted but we’ll see more of both of them later."

We walked off to an even greater applause than Tyra and Stacy got and I was giddy just to be in Linda’s presence. As we neared the door that should take us into privacy to let us know each other, I could not help but wonder if it were to be a real door or a magic door that might take me anywhere. Only time would tell.

Chapter Five: Regret ~ CAMP

Dr Erica told me that it was just after Dr Sarah had gotten her first patient that she began having them. Dr Erica called them 'birth pangs' which she received before getting a new patient. In this case the new patient was me. Like a mother who had carried several children to term, her pains with me were not as severe as Sarah, her first. That was good because instead of it taking days before I had hit bottom, it was minutes.

We had gotten together in her office at 50/50 press after I had won 'Ellen's Next Top Model' and we were scrambling to get the final touches on the Book Tour before the final taped segment aired on 'Ellen' We were actually still doing 'live' segments for Ellen's show on stunts not involving eliminations. Those of us who were currently in the winners bracket were on call on Thursdays for the live looks while the taped segments were airing on Tuesdays for the winners bracket and Wednesdays for the loser's bracket. For me going all the way in the competition, it just meant that we had to schedule in a break in the book tour for travel to the Mansion for Thursday's live shot.

Part of it was that I had to catch up that there was this whole new segment to my life that was suddenly very relevant to be addressed in the book tour that I was a Doctor of Electrical Engineering & Bionics Engineer on sabbatical from the Canadian Space Agency's Robotics program.

In this present timeline, extreme burnout from putting everything into my career to avoid addressing my gender identity was aided from pressure of being in the public eye as a STS-123 Space Shuttle astronaut, who helped bring DEXTRE to the ISS. My astronaut status was still active at the CSA and I was in line for a 6 month flight on the ISS. The pressure to be George was even greater than it was at NASA since I was an even greater treasure to be a Canadian Astronaut who actually flew in space.

Being a role model as an astronaut added to the melt down from not transitioning that resulted in me being in that hospital room when Dr. Erica had come to save me. In the present, now. my TG writing career was less about just earning money since I had a job I could go back to and resources from having earned a good living all of this life and more about Joanna building her life and separate identity from the guy in drab. I as Joanna could go back to Bionics at some point but only after I had matured enough to make that career my own instead of 'his' career.

"I think that we have made good progress towards making the adjustments in the book tour we needed to make with your Ellen commitments."

"I've got another monkey wrench for the Book Tour. After finding out that I won Ellen's Next Top Model, I had to tell the CSA about my transition, about winning the contest, and my book. If this was NASA then I would never get another ride to space and they would find a way to quietly terminate me. But with the CSA, my being a minority would play well nationally. Without congress to get in the way, the US President would love to aid a milestone for a famous minority. They want me back at HQ ASAP for meetings with the top to determine my future. "

"You should do that quickly. You should drop everything and go and we'll cover for you with Ellen and the Book Tour. I'll help you with transportation after we finish. We need to know their attitude so we can know how to play your astronaut celebrity when it is revealed."

"I'll text them that I will be on my way soon. I have an apartment near the CSA HQ in Saint Hubert, Quebec. so I won't need to take a lot. Guess I'll have to do some shopping to give my wardrobe there a makeover!"

"That will be even better! Brent says that the Ellen show has agreed to add a look in segment to reveal your past to their audience after the book release. A full segment about your life story and promoting the book and a chance for further book promotion with the interview segment after you've been crowned Next Top Model."

"What perks afterward can I expect?"

"With the positive response to you, they will pick up your option for more segments on the show. We also expect a modeling contract to be revealed as one of the prizes for your win and we'll make sure any contract you sign has a delay for public service as well. You are going to be a busy girl."

"Can you imagine me doing my Ellen Top Model segments from space aboard the ISS? In the beginning I knew that by publicly publishing my TG fiction, I would attract some attention due to my status. Now we get that in spades from the very beginning. Not only should it help book sales but I will have the chance to do some good for people who are really hurting. I have a question but I'm not sure if this is the right venue for it, Erica"

"I think we've made sufficient progress with this till more of the details become known. Let's take a break."

As I suspected, Goblins was not on the other side of the door we walked through but instead was Dr. Erica's office.

"Here we are, Joanna. You can ask some short questions when we are alone but I sensed you had something more intensive brewing."

"Is the success that we are on the cusp of having both you and I, going to impede either your or my ability to function in this venue?"

"While not everyone's mundane life in this venue has to be an overwhelming public success the nature of this therapy allows people to fulfill their full potential and huge public success is a component to that. We've had prominent people before be Doctors and that of itself is not a dis-qualifier. Keeping the secrecy is more of a challenge but to such people, they thrive on challenges to have gotten to that success. We both should be okay in this process."

"That makes sense and it is a relief to me that where we are headed won't make either of us give this up. I have another request. I was wondering if I could for my own reference, work from my list and do a "Life Story so far" So much of my life has changed that it is difficult for me to keep sorted what has and hasn't happened in the now. The knowledge is there if I think about it but knowing to think about it is a challenge."

"I'll let you make some notes for yourself based on the list. We can even keep them in the same notebook. Just let me know when you would like to do so and I can give you some time with the list. What brought this on besides being confused?"

"I guess you can blame the new engineer training in me. Even with my female brain the discipline of Engineering tends to promote looking at the world in a certain structured way. While the engineer in me, likes more structure, the writer in me is much more open to thinking outside the box instead of pushing things in nice boxes for safe keeping. I'm sure that once I apply a little order as an exercise that tendency will be satisfied and I can get back to real world thinking. It is nice to once the brain storming is over to be able to apply some discipline to accomplish something."

"This was always a part of you. It will be a challenge to satisfy both aspects of your nature but you are just the person to do that."

"Dr. Erica, I know that the time travel is for resolving regrets but with my life changing so radically when my gender presentation is correct even if it is temporary. I feel like I have missed out on experiencing large chunks of time that never happened first go around since I never presented as other than George."

"Is there any time like that which you would particularly like to relive?"

"The summer I spent in Summer Camp in CA with Dee Dee that the last alteration got me off the fence and I was actually willing to try."

"The STS-123 mission so I would be able to experience being an astronaut instead of just remembering it."

"What I have just heard is that you expressed two regrets. Would you like to add them to the list?"

"Of course. Would I be able to re-live the whole summer?"

"Don't you think you've got enough irons in the fire that taking a 3 month vacation from your mundane life would be a bit much right now? However you could get a sample of what life was like for you at Summer Camp with Dee Dee."

"Okay." I wrote two items: I regret not being able to experience the first time around what it was like for me to spend that summer at Camp after my freshman year of High School with Dee Dee. I regret not being able to experience the STS-123 flight into space aboard the shuttle to the ISS.

Just then the text response came back: Meeting will commence after your arrival. Security is expecting you and will re-issue your ID. God Speed!

"They are ready for me, Dr. Erica. I'll get my Security ID exchanged and go right into a meeting with them. With them moving this quickly it will either be really good or really bad."

"Let's hope it's good. Through that door will be your apartment in Quebec. Good luck Joanna."

As I went through the door I was indeed in my apartment in Quebec. I picked up my CSA ID and my keys and this time the door led to the outside where I got into my car and drove off. It was not long before I came to the security gate and I showed my ID to the guard on duty.

"Dr. Wolfe, you may drive right through and you are approved to park in VIP parking. Please anticipate a delay in security at main building where they will re-issue your ID. They will direct you to your meeting following that."

"Thank you."

The gate opened and I pulled my car into one of the VIP spaces directly in front of the building entrance. I slid out of the car onto my heels and stood up ready to enter the building after closing and locking the door. I came to the security station just inside the front door and showed my ID.

"Thank you Dr Wolfe. If you'll come this way, we'll get your new ID ready."

I followed him to a small room behind the security station where a backdrop was ready for picture taking and they had the computer and printing facility to make the ID. After they had taken my picture, they were immediately able to produce the ID since it appeared my information was already entered. They mounted my new ID on a lanyard which I placed around my neck and swept my hair out from underneath it. I got directions to the conference room and made my way there. As I went through the door, I was directed to a chair at the table.

"Greetings, Dr Wolfe, Joanna, Thank you for coming so promptly after your text. While we would have preferred some prior notice, we can forgive you for the circumstances of your suicide and your enthusiasm for your recovery when you finally made the decision to transition. Seeing you here allows me to see and agree with what they saw of your beauty, poise and character. But your international publicity on Ellen means that we must address the situation immediately. We have the choices to either embrace you or repudiate you. But before we go on, I have two questions for you: Does Dr Joanna Wolfe wish to stay in the CSA and be a role model for transwomen and transmen? Does Dr Joanna Wolfe wish to accept a ride into space for a six month assignment aboard ISS?"

"Gentlemen and Ladies, yes to both questions. I knew when I transitioned that with my high profile past, I would be cast as a role model and I am ready to be one. More than anything, I would like to go back into space, this time as a CSA astronaut."

"Very good. You realize that as a CSA Astronaut that you would need to defer to our publicity office for future contracts and commitments. We will provide time and coordinate their publicity with ours for your television, modeling and writing careers. We feel that those aspects of your appeal will allow us to reach audiences which need to be reached for the CSA. Are you willing to comply with this subject to acceptance of the other parties involved?"

"Yes, I will. I have signed contracts with my publisher and with the Ellen show which may need to be reviewed but I believe both of them have a national service clause. I expect a modeling contract to be a prize in the contest that I won so we would have to negotiate with them before I sign it."

"Are you prepared to accept an early surgery date for GRS? We would provide a waiver for RLT (With winning the contest, it is apparent that you have met that requirement.) and expedite you to a place on the top of the waiting list. It is desirable to us that you be fully female when you are on orbit. Since the surgery has a recovery time involved, you'll need to have fully recovered before we send you to NASA for your training for the mission."

"Yes, I'd love to speed up my surgery. I am 100% committed to it and I would do it today were it available that soon. I agree that it would be better to be fully transitioned prior to training."

"Very good. The timing is right that the next increment training is in progress where the crew to go before you is finishing their training. With the commitments and your down time you'll do only online classes remotely. When your increment starts it's intensive training for the mission you'll join them onsite at NASA and your other commitments minimized to remote broadcasts with which we will assiat. Then of course you'll have the six months in space followed by the ordinary debriefing and re-adjustment time. We offer you formally a seat on that increment for a tour aboard the ISS. Do you accept?"

"Yes, I accept. Thank you so much for giving me this chance."

"Thank you, Joanna. We expect great things out of you for both the CSA and for Canada. Would you like to add anything from the astronaut office?"

"I'd also like to express my appreciation at your accepting this journey to the ISS. We had been holding this seat for you, and we are glad not to have to pass it to someone less qualified. It greatly upset us to find out of your distress during your sabbatical and we are glad that you have made a full recovery. We will be in touch with you to schedule an announcement here and in Houston with your increment crew of your assignment to the increment."

"I'll be in touch with the astronaut office and be available at your pleasure. Thank you."

"I guess we can cut this short since this breaking news pulled us all away from other things. Again congratulations Dr. Joanna Wolfe. This meeting is dismissed."

While some left rapidly, others stayed around and began grouping in the area where I stood. I exchanged greetings with all of them and I got the vibe that they all were excited about what kind of public face and attention that I could bring to the CSA. Even those who did not immediately rush out had places to be so when the last group of brass excused themselves for a private chat, I exited through the door and found myself in Dr Erica's office.

Well it was a doctor's office but it wasn't Dr Erica's office. This one was very blindingly bright white very sparse modern and utilitarian. But seated behind the modern stark white desk was Naadiah, that is Dr. Naadiah.

"Dr. Naadiah, I am so sorry that I threw away the home and job that you helped me to get then. But in the now, I had the job offer from CSA, but the ticket and place came from you. Even so it ended up the same with my meltdown and I'm still sorry. This is so confusing! It did happen then, even if that life doesn't have a direct connection with this one. Help?"

"Please sit down, Joanna. I'm here to help. You have nothing to fear."

I saw a very comfortable white plush chair in front of her desk. I’m not so sure it went with the decor so I’m guessing she brought it here especially for me. I was still going to voice my misgivings about seeing her like this but I could tell she still had my best interests at heart.

"Is Dr Erica okay? Not that seeing you isn't nice but she kinda promised me something. Is that it? Did she overstep her bounds as a Doctor? Please stop me before my imagination comes up with something else, Dr Naadiah."

"Dr. Erica is fine and neither she nor you are in trouble. Dr Erica mostly plays things by the rules these days. When she feels like she has bent the rules mostly she has made the right call. Dr. Erica is my best and you are lucky to have her. Dr. Erica had an emergency where she had to be there for one of her patients for a prolonged time. She felt and I agree that with your special circumstances it’s vital for you to go on that regret you just added to part of a summer camp for female MD aspirants."

"That’s good news. So you will act as my Doctor for this regret? Is this kind of fill in something that I should expect a lot from this therapy?"

"Ordinarily, you’ll only see me if something has happened to throw the therapy drastically off track . Delays happen and all things being equal you might have just waited for Dr. Erica to see you before you got to this particular regret. However Dr Erica felt that both of us were avoiding reconnecting. You were part of our therapy so I could have called you to my office any number of times. I knew where you were through Dr. Erica so I could have visited you mundanely as the good friend that I profess to be should have done. You knew where I lived and could have called and come over yourself."

"I’m sorry for being silly, Naadiah. I know I've been busy but you make time for friends especially if you let one down like I did. Please forgive me and I forgive you.."

"Jo Jo please forgive me too and I forgive you, too. I really felt like you could do well in Toronto. It seems a focus in so many of your timelines. I felt that if all else failed, I would stack the deck in your favor and get you into Dr Erica’s neighborhood. So tell me about this regret that you had."

"Well you know, my time line changed again after I helped Suzy the psychic in a less selfish way. I guess that gave me the courage to accept Dee Dee and her parent’s offer to cover for me so I could be Joanna for the entire summer after my freshman year at high school. Originally the regret was that I spent a large chunk of my childhood as a girl but never got to live through it first hand."

"And now what have you discovered that attracted you to that time instead of one of the many other times that Dee Dee made girl time for you, sometimes for several days at a time?"

With the remote location where there wasn't any chance for any of what I did to get back to out me back home, I regret that I didn't go for it with a cute boy that I had met during the co-educational medical classes that we took with the boys. There were structured times for girl-boy socials and I missed out on them since I chose not to do so. I wish I had gone for it and saw how well I could socialize with boys. I don’t even have a clue how to do that now that I’m about to be out in the open with my status."

"How experienced was Dee Dee with boys before that summer?"

"Not very experienced. All through junior high we pretended to be boyfriend and girlfriend. She didn't really do a lot of dating as a freshman and at the summer camp, she was too busy with me to date there. I guess watching out for me kept her out of trouble as well."

"And what would you change?"

"I’d be more open to the date that Jeff and his friend Rick asked us on but be prepared for trouble in case both Dee Dee’s and my inexperience with boys led to trouble."

"Good luck, Joanna!"

The now familiar spinning started and all of a sudden I was face to face again with a teen Dee Dee.

"You got to be loose, Joanna."

"I’m loose, I’m loose. What if they don’t like this dress?"

"You’ll do fine. Just quit pulling at it."

And I did quit pulling at the neckline and hemline of my red sun dress. Dee Dee looked like a dream in her LBD with the patent black 3 inch heels. Mine were red but only 2 inch. but I wobbled on them a little. Dee Dee was carrying a matching very small clutch while I had a normal sized purse. “

"Do you think they will know my secret?"

"There is no way that they will know your secret. First you've been almost too careful changing. Except for the three days a month where my parents are visiting and your cover is that you are indisposed on your period, you have an undetectable appliance over your privates and are wearing breast forms. You are just like any other teen girl here,"

"Sorry, Dee Dee. I guess that sometimes I’m a little too paranoid for my own good. Let’s get out there and have some fun. And if that cute Jeff and his friend Rick asks us out, I’m going for it!"

"You go girl! And I guess I’m glad that you are prepared for everything."

She said that last while tapping on my purse. Dee Dee said it was far fetched that anyone at the mixer would have rohypnol but she still wanted me to test any drinks that we got with the cocktail napkin test strips in my purse. We both loaded up in the tram that would take us to the shared classroom and activity area between the camps. There would be a dance in the gym and a teen canteen serving food. We were all due back to our rooms by midnight. Since it was due to start at 8 pm we had an entire evening to enjoy.

"So do you know what you would do if one of those napkins did turn colors?"

"I’d have my taser in my lap before I tested it, just in case."

"Did you bring the flashlight stun gun that Daddy got for me too?"

"Yeah. I bet it is small enough to fit in your clutch."

"I've changed my mind. I’ll carry it. I’m a little nervous too but it should be okay Jo Jo."

I handed Dee Dee the stun gun and it did fit in her purse. She handed me a couple of tampons and a pad.

"I’ll stay close enough for you to borrow these back from me if you have the need. Enough of this light conversation, here we are at the dance."

Jeff and Rick were waiting for us at the dance. We started right away dancing three dances, well four counting the slow dance where Jeff held me tight. I didn't freak out and in fact I even enjoyed being held close to him.

We found one of the tables on the side and sat down. Both Jeff and Rick acted like perfect gentlemen and brought us our drinks. I felt a little foolish when the first napkins came back negative.

We all agreed once we’d finished our drinks that after Dee Dee and I came back from the rest room that we’d all go back out on the dance floor. We did what we needed and met at the mirror freshening our makeup afterward.

"Well what’s the verdict, Jo Jo? Did we pick a couple of rapist?"

"Of course not. They are both complete gentlemen. “

"Did you check out the size of Jeff’s hands? You know what they say about the size of a guy’s hands relative to that special part. I know that I felt that Rick was very happy to see me on that slow dance."

I stood there too stunned to say anything. I wanted to respond to Dee Dee but nothing would come out.

"A bit TMI for you, Jo Jo? Well get used to it, cause we girls get straight to the point of it. Come on, let’s get back to the boys."

"Okay, Dee Dee, I’m ready."

The boys were a bit more frisky with us during the next dances. Even so I enjoyed the new sensations and didn't put on the breaks. They crossed the line for a prude but not for a normal girl. Instead of leading us back to our table once we had finished the set of dances, they had a proposal for us.

"Girls you gotta come. We may not have a chance like this again. We found a place where the cameras don’t cover. We can neck a bit without being caught. Sound like fun?

"Yeah, I guess. Where did you send Rick ?"

"He’s going to get us some drinks. He’ll meet us there with them."

I noticed that Jeff was now carrying a blanket which looked large enough for the four of us to lay on our backs and look at the stars. We reached our destination and Jeff and I spread out the blanket and it looked like a king sized one. As Dee Dee and I got down to lay on the blanket, Rick came up with our drinks which each had an umbrella on it.

“Here’s your drinks, girls. Enjoy!"

"Alright you two, let’s get this party started. Come join us on the blanket. Woo hoo!"

"Rick you nerd. Where are our drinks? Girls I guess you’ll have to start the party without us. I’ll go with Rick to make sure we bring back enough for all of us to enjoy."

"Okay but you two hurry back. I really want to party!"

I waited till they were out of sight and I got out the napkin and dunk it into my drink. It turned color.

"By George!" I spoke with a louder voice to get Dee Dee’s attention and with a whisper. “Quick dump your drink.”_

Dee Dee was wide eyed and tongue tied as she saw the test reaction on my drink duplicated on hers. We both quickly dumped our drinks out. We didn't want to chance running in the dark when we didn't know exactly where we were. Instead we decided to pretend to be suggestible vixen and lure them in close enough to use my taser and her stun gun on them. Since we didn't know where we were, we both dialed 911 on our cells and left them active with the volume muted and microphones on.

When they got back, we just twirled the bra’s we had taken off and tried to show off our cleavage and legs so they would waste no time getting down on the blanket on us. Rick was down within arms reach of Dee Dee first and she stunned him out cold with her stun gun. Jeff seeing what had happened to Rick stayed out of my reach but the Taser darts stuck him anyway and he too was out cold.

"Now we run!"

We both kicked off our heels and ran for all we were worth. Dee Dee had her Bluetooth in and she was talking to the police dispatcher. A couple of guys had heard our screams and we ended up running into their arms. Security from the dance caught up and made sure we were alright. We pointed the way back to where Jeff and Rick were still out cold. They retrieved my phone which had been taking video from the moment that Rick had arrived with our drinks and was still running when they found it. I gave them the test napkins from the 2 drinks and the cups which still had enough of the liquid left in them to test again.

In all of it the two young men stayed by us who we found out were named Tom and Harry. Even though it wasn't a planned date, they way they stayed with us and treated us was about the best medicine either of us had to get over that experience. Unfortunately my period was to begin tomorrow with the arrival of Dee Dee’s parents so we had to push back an actual date until the next social which both of us could not wait for it to get here.

As luck would have it, Dee Dee made it back to our shared room before me. She took off suddenly which was why she made it there first. As I opened the door to cross the threshold, I found that I was not in our room at all but back in Dr. Erica’s office.

"Hi Joanna. Welcome back. I’m sorry that I wasn't available for your departure. How did you get on with Dr. Naadiah."

"She never stopped being my friend no matter what happened with me. While I already had the job to accept, her ticket and place to stay encouraged me to take it. And then I had my meltdown and give up what she tried to give me. It came out the same even if the details changed a bit. We did well. Thank you for getting us back together."

"You will be pleased to know that Dee Dee took a happy medium of watching out for herself and advising her female patients which resulted in several lives being turned for the better. But looking out for Dee Dee was not in the way you originally expressed the regret to me. What changed your mind?"

"Dr Naadiah asked me to consider more than just myself as I relived this. It was my agreement this time that put both of us in danger. I guess Dee Dee was inexperienced too due to protecting me so that she did not sense any problem. But it was natural for me to do exactly what I did and put together the Batgirl dating utility purse complete with date rape prevention kit. “

"And what will you take from this?"

"That not all guys are bad. Our date with Tom and Harry afterward was pretty nice. That I was really inexperienced with dating as George and even more as Joanna. I feel that I need to really explore how to make good choices in dating but maybe I ought to wait till I have fully digested this one before adding the dating regrets that I should add."

"Anything else?"

"That even if ‘be prepared’ is not the girl scout motto, it’s this girl’s motto. I just hope that I never am in a situation to have to use what I've provided like that again.”_

"Joanna, I’m glad to be of help. I feel that the best way I can help right now is to give you a ride home. Be well, Joanna."

As I exited through the door that Dr Erica offered to me, I was not sure what I would find on the other side but what ever it was, it would be interesting! This time it was indeed home where I collapsed on the couch and quickly picked up my pink Ibook. It was interesting that I picked out exactly the same one even though the money came from my bank account instead of belongings that Tina had sold for me. I was reminded that I wanted to write Tina and tell her my news.

Dear Tina,

Thank you for your last email reply. It's always good to hear from you. Girl, do I have news for you! I'm going back to space! The CSA has offered me a seat on the upcoming flight to the ISS. CSA is going to announce up here at HQ and then I'm going to be in a media event in Houston where I'll meet the cosmonaut and other astronaut on my increment.

Tina, if you can take the time off, I want you to be my guest in Houston for the announcement and spend the day with me. If you can get the next couple of days off, I'll have your ticket waiting for you at the Delta counter, You'll just have to write me back with your acceptance and your info so I can set it up. I can get you in at the facility that the astronaut's families are lodged and catered to, because you are one of my family of choice.

Tina, I love you so much for your encouragement then and now to live up to my potential and being Joanna. You gave me the confidence that Naadiah wasn't a stalker or worse. You made my goodbyes for the gang at Dragon*Con and let them know I had to cancel my appearance for work. You went to my quarters at Huntsville and packed up my belongings and sent them to me in Toronto, You returned my rental car for me and tied up all the loose ends that I had left hanging when I dropped everything to go to Toronto.

Now I would like you to take your place at my side as the sister that you are to me. You've done so much for me and I'd like to do this for you. Please say yes.

All my hopes,

Joanna

Chapter Six: Regret ~ Conception

My life had been going better than I had expected. Instead of getting a ride aboard a Soyuz capsule to the ISS, I was in line to get a ride aboard the new Dragon Crew Capsule which took off from Pad 39A in Florida, US and would be splitting my training time between Hawthorne, CA, US and Houston, TX, US. Of course I would need a physical still certifying me fit to fly after my GRS in Montreal from the CSA, but I had been assured that would only be a formality.

With the Ellen show cooperating with the Canadian Space Agency (CSA), we accelerated the tapping of 'Ellen's Next Top Model'. I made it into the finals but lost to a great couple of ladies. We all had been sworn to secrecy as to the outcome until the last segment was aired. The CSA was delighted that they would not have to work with the complication of me actually winning the contest and thus the modeling contract. The CSA was also delighted that I had placed as high as I did in it since the Ellen show included a segment about my becoming active as a CSA astronaut.

I had just finished a conference call with 50 / 50 press and the CSA. Brent and Erica had decided that in view of my increment to come aboard the ISS that I should add at least one more chapter to the book with my experiences aboard the ISS. With the release of the book and delay of the book tour, 50 / 50 press negotiated a combined book tour and post flight CSA Astronaut promotion tour that would be held. The best part was that the CSA would build into my schedule writing time so I could complete my book on orbit and by the time I was recovered enough from my time in space to do the tour we would have the book ready to be published and released.

I was feeling pretty good after the meeting and was looking forward to a quiet evening at home packing for my trip to Montreal. Instead of the door opening to my apartment, I found myself in Dr. Erica's office.

"Dr Erica, It's good to see you again so soon. I usually associate visits to your office with help that I need with some turning point in my life. Things are going great for me thanks to all the help I've been given and this therapy . To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?"

"Joanna it's good to see you too. It is because things are going so well for you that I feel like you are ready. Please take a seat and we will begin."

Sitting down in Dr. Erica's modern style office which was just as bright as Dr Naadiah yet while hers was stark by what it did not contain, Dr Erica's office was so eclectic and inviting. Dr Erica had out the notebook and had it turned to the pages with my list of regrets and had it turned toward me so I could see it.

"Joanna, Here is your list of regrets. You can see the first ones you wrote followed by the ones that I let you add as a result of your life changing for the better. We know each other a lot better now than we did on that first day. A lot of those original regrets revolve around the one regret that you wanted to write but you were afraid was too much to ask. Can you trust me now enough to give voice to that regret?"

"I do trust you Dr Erica. I regret that I was born with a woman's brain and a man's body. All the rest of my regrets would be resolved if my brain and body were both female from my beginning. I guess I thought that was too big an ask even though it's been a part of my nightly prayers for as long as I can remember."

"I'm glad you recognize that regret and have given voice to it . It's come that time in your therapy where I feel I need to bend the rules for you.

I'm going to send you back in time with the potential that your choice may make that huge change in your life. You do realize that if the change that you want to make happens that one change might make you an entirely different person. Your memories of your original life and of this therapy will all you will have to make your new life just as successful as this one has become. Are you to take that chance if you are successful and produce such a drastic change in your life?"

"Without risk there is no reward. I'm not sure where to attribute that quote but it is so true someone must have said it sometime"

"You will have to be on your guard to not divulge information to save the life of someone who has passed on. I know from experience the consequences of breaking trust like that and that it makes it even more unbearable when death is only delayed leaving an open wound for more people whose lives have been touched in addition to the ones touched originally. Do you choose to resolve this regret in spite of the danger?"

"I choose the danger. Dr McCoy in Star Trek:Search for Spock. Seriously Dr Erica, knowing the complete consequences from you telling what could happen is enough for me to not intervene to save someone who has already died. I know that this therapy is for my good and that if I can live my best life that I can best help others. I won't let you down, Dr Erica."

"Then off you go!"

The familiar turning started and I was whisked away from Dr. Erika's office. I had experienced being a kid again going back in time but this time I did not look anything like myself. I was a pretty blonde haired and blue eyed teen with an abundance of curves and a real female. I was behind the counter at the reception desk of a generic independent motel, The Ridgeland Villas. With the lack of computers and the old-style register on the desk, I deduced that I had gone back farther in the past than I had ever gone before. I had in my hand a real door key and not a plastic card with a hand written note which said, "Today's Shift 5/31/56 7 am - 3 pm, 6/1/56 off, 6/2/56 3 pm - 11 pm. See new schedule for next week. Room Key 207" I saw both a newspaper "The Greensville News" for May 31, 1956. Along with my reflection with the features I had already noted belonging to a face not my own, I was wearing a name tag for this motel with the name Joanna hand written on it in a pretty cursive.

That took care of the who where and when of me being there. I thought of the significance of being in a cheep motel in Greenville and the date and it dawned on me that tomorrow would be my mother's seventeenth birthday and the day that she had eloped with my father. It wasn't long before my suspicions were confirmed because my impossibly 25 year old Father and teen aged Mother came through the door to stand in front of me at the reception desk.

"Greetings and welcome to The Ridgeland Villas. I'm Joanna Hall. Where are you folks from and how can I help you?"

"We're here from Brunswick, Georgia", said the teen girl with a bright smile.

"We are Mr. and Mrs. Wolfe. We'd like a room for two nights. May I sign the register?"

"Before you do that Mr. Wolfe, are you aware of the trouble that I could get into for letting you falsify the register? I think I can help you two out and I really want to help. I'd rather not lose this job since I just got it. I'm guessing that if I ask you for a copy of your marriage license that you haven't gotten one yet."

"How could you help us, Joanna?", timidly but hopefully asked the teen girl.

"I'd be willing to let you stay, miss with me in my Motel room for tonight. My guess is tomorrow you'll have a South Carolina marriage licence and you'll be able to legally register as Mr. And Mrs. Wolfe. The bonus would be that Mr. Wolfe you could register for one night as a single and save some money for tonight. How would that be, Mr. Wolfe?"

"Thank you for your kind offer, Miss Joanna. We would be in your debt for helping us like this. I don't want to get you in trouble. We accept."

Well You know my first name but I don't know either of yours. Could you introduce yourselves?"

"I''m Jenny and my soon to be husband is Fred.", answered the teen girl who would be my mother.

"I'm glad to get to know you, Jenny and Fred. Fred you can sign the register now. I'm afraid it's the height of the tourist season so the single is $3.00 for one night. "

My Father signed the register and I recognized his familiar handwriting. I initialed the entry after I had rung him up on the register and given him his receipt. I handed him his room key to 110. I handed Jenny my room key to 207

"Fred you are in Room 110 and Jenny you are in my room 207. Fred, after you put Jenny's bag in my room, please return my key back to me. My shift is over at 3 pm. We can get together for supper in the motel restaurant. The food is good and the prices are cheep. Jenny, if anyone questions you staying in my room just tell them you are my cousin visiting from out of town. I'm allowed to let a girl stay with me overnight. No problem."

"Thank you for your hospitality, Joanna. What time shall I meet you ladies for supper?"

"I can be ready for supper by 5 pm. Is that okay with you Joanna?

"That would be peachy keen with me too, Jenny. Is that okay with you, Fred?"

"Sure is Miss Joanna and Miss Jenny. I'll meet you both at 5 pm for supper in the motel restaurant."

My shift ended at 3 pm and I went to my room which had Jenny running around trying to decide which of her outfits she would wear for dinner. she wasn't satisfied with any of them. I guess that she had brought her three best outfits with her. I looked in my closet and discovered a less limited wardrobe selection than hers. From the looks of things we were the same size. I suggested for her to try on one of my dresses and if it fit to let her borrow any thing from my closet that she liked. It was only fair since once upon a time I had worn some of her cast offs from storage.

"Joanna this red dress of yours fits me perfectly. May I borrow it?"

"Of course, Jenny. It's my pleasure."

Jenny was so delighted with the red dress that she spotted that I had the same style dress in green.

"You have to wear this green dress, Joanna. Then we will be the two most pretty ladies in the restaurant."

I had to wear the dress partially because I never got that kind of attention from Mother growing up. I guess I got a little weepy thinking about that.

"Why are you so sad, Joanna?"

"You are so kind to me Jenny. I had a very sad childhood where my own Mother never gave me the kindness that you are giving me now. My home life was so bad that I ran away from them . I could not take any more abuse."

"I ran away to elope to marry Fred since we could marry legally in South Carolina when i turn seventeen which is tomorrow. I love Fred so much that I want to be his wife so bad I was afraid to make him wait until we no longer needed my parent's permission in GA. I know mother loves me but I'm afraid of how Daddy would react. "

"Would your Daddy beat you or yell and scream insults at you?"

"No they would never treat me like that they love me so much even when I disappoint them."

"Jenny, you might want to make things right with them as soon as you get back to Georgia. It might be hard since you betrayed their trust. You will have passed into being an adult by marrying Fred.. A woman always needs her Mother to help show her the way since she will experience all the challenges you will have before you and will be the best able to advise you. By acting in adult ways you will be faced with adult challenges that your mother can help you with."

"I will keep what you have told me in my heart, Joanna."

"Let's finish getting ready, Jenny. Thank goodness we haven't put our makeup on yet or we both would have had raccoon eyes. We want to look our best when you meet Fred and we all have supper."

We finished getting ready without incident and joined Fred who was waiting for us in the motel restaurant.

We settled in to chat after getting our orders taken

"Joanna, what was there about your home life was so bad that you felt that you had to run away.?"

"My father was an abuser the latest in a chain of abusers that he learned from his father's example. It started with him abusing my mother. He lorded over her and ordered her about yelling at her. He was a perfectionist so a little thing wrong would result in him physically and verbally abusing my mother. It did not stop there. Instead of correcting out of love he punished out of anger. He physically and verbally abused me and my siblings after he had finished with our mother. When he finally cooled down he tried to make things right but just making nice does not negate the consequences of his having a problem with anger management and his desire for power in the one place he felt he could demand it at our home. It was not a household of love. Daddy's hatred made all of us miserable. Finally I could take no more of it and i left."

"My goodness, Joanna, no wonder you left. As a child you had no power to stop anything or make it better. Your father had cowered your mother so much that she had no power to do anything by that point either. It takes great strength for a woman to leave her husband with her children but that is the only way out of a situation like that.."

"For my part, I feel like a real man who loves his wife would do anything that it would take to not let things get so out of control. If a man really loves his wife, after the problem is pointed out, he should do everything that he can to get help. He should even go to a professional in spite of the stigma . It isn't worth the cost for a man to have power in the home if the man forsakes love. I believe I would have run away from a home like that too."

"Thank you for being so understanding Fred and Jenny. My greatest wish for you is that your new home will be a household of love, first, last and for always."

After that we all found much more pleasant things to talk about. We had a very nice supper and we even ordered desert. Both Fred and Jenny were excited about getting married the next day. Before Fred let us finish, he ordered to go cokes for us to take to our room. Both Fred and Jenny looked so sweet, telling each other good night and sharing a very passionate good night kiss.

Jenny and I returned to my room after supper. We got comfortable in our nightgowns and sat up on the bedside sipping our to go cokes and chatting before bed.

"Jenny have you thought about what kind of marriage that you want with Fred?"

"What do you mean, Joanna?"

"In time past women were taken as chattel, just possessions of the husband almost like slaves. Today we have the right to vote and own property. We can even work outside the home and have a career. We can finish high school even if we have a husband and a baby on the way. Women can go to college. But it's hard to do everything a woman can do if her husband is stuck in the past and treats his wife as chattel even though that's not what wives have to be now."

"I guess I'd like to have a more cooperative marriage from the very beginning. I guess that starts with a ceremony that I pledge to love honor and cherish my husband instead of love honor and obey him. I'd like for us to come to decisions by consensus and talking it out instead of it being a unilateral command from Fred."

"If you want to go back and finish high school in the fall you will need help from your Mother. Besides needing her advice being a new bride, you might find your self pregnant and dealing with that. You know it only takes one time having relations with your husband to get pregnant. After the baby is delivered, you will need help with child care, If you hope to graduate. Of course if things don't work out with you being able to finish high school with help, you can still get your GED high school equivalency."

"That's a lot to think about, Joanna. You are right that it begins with restoring the relationship with my parents and my mother especially. If I am to even think about a real career, then I'll have to think about college as well. There are many jobs open to women and more are opening everyday if I am prepared by being qualified. I think that it would be easy for Fred to accept me finishing high school.. College and working outside the home are a harder sell but I won't even be ready for either if I don't finish high school."

"I'm sure that you and Fred will be able to work through challenges like that in your marriage. It starts with not taking the chattel marriage vows and continues when You and Fred have a discussion alone about the kind of marriage that you want to have.."

"Joanna, I'm afraid after learning about Fred's parents that Fred's Father may be an abuser. Fred has a temper and it gets him in trouble at times. He's such a perfectionist too."

"Jenny, the only means forward is to talk things out from the start. Have Fred pledge to see a therapist for anger management counseling in spite of the stigma so he can have help breaking the cycle of abuse. Get an agreement with him that he won't use his position as husband as an excuse to order you around and find fault with what you do. Things will be hard especially if you make a commitment to finishing high school. Try to get agreement that instead of critizing you for not being perfect with the housework that he pitch in and help if you need help."

"What if he won't agree?"

"It's better to learn now instead of later. Instead of having relations with him after your marriage leave him and come to my room. I'll be here for you tomorrow. We can call your parents to help put things right. They can come get you and bring you home and get your marriage annulled so it will be like it never happened. Hopefully it won't come to that if Fred really loves you and he will agree to do the things that will make your marriage a happy one."

In the morning first thing Jenny, Fred and I set out to find the Ridgeland probate court which had an office that Issued Marriage Licenses. Between the City Map that I had and the road signs we soon found the probate court. More signs led us to the office where Marriage certificates were issued. A bit of form filling out and fees being paid resulted in the soon to be Wolfe's in possession of an official Marriage License.

We stopped at a diner to get some breakfast since it was too early to go to the Justice of the peace which would not open for an hour yet. The three of us enjoyed another meal together. We had chit chat and pleasantries in our discussions at the meal. It was clear that neither Fred nor Jenny were ready to talk any more about anything serious. They both were focused on the very serious step that they were about to take in getting married to each other. We finished our meal and got back in the car to go to city hall to the Justice of the peace.

Once we had the marriage licence and breakfast, it was on to city hall to the justice of the peace to have their ceremony performed. After talking it over Jenny and Fred agreed to have the alternate vows instead of the traditional vows in their ceremony. The alternate vows eliminated the 'Wife as Chattel' language and had 'Wife as Equal language.

I took my place as Maid of Honor by Jenny's side as Jenny and Fred turned to each other before the Justice of the Peace and they said their vows. The ceremony concluded and the newly Mr. and Mrs Wolfe sealed their marriage with a very romantic kiss.

The Judge's clerk was one witness and the Bailiff was the other to Jenny and Fred's wedding. I begged off being a witness since my legal status as an under aged runaway was in doubt. The Judge signed and filled in the rest of the marriage certificate. Mr and Mrs Wolfe were completely legally married now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We left city hall to go back to the motel. Fred returned to the front desk while Jenny and I returned to my room to get Jenny packed up again. Fred returned to bring Jenny's luggage back to their room where they were now registered as Mr. and Mrs Wolfe.

"Jenny, I hope that you and Fred have a happy honeymoon. I have some errands to run tomorrow so I'm not certain I'll be around when you leave so I'll say my goodbyes to you right now. "

"Joanna, as much as I'd like to stay longer in SC. I need to get back to GA and do some relationship mending with my parents. You are a special person in my life, Joanna. I'll always remember you and your kindness to Fred and me. We will be leaving early in the morning to go back to GA. I'll say my good byes to you now as well."

Jenny and I hugged just before Fred returned for Jenny. I followed to the door where Fred carried Jenny over the threshold.

"Have a good life Mr. and Mrs. Wolfe!", I called just before Fred closed the door to their room.

I settled in to wait while I imagine Fred and Jenny must have been talking out what they wanted their marriage to be like. I just passed time looking at one of the television channels from Greenville on the black and white TV set which I was very lucky that the room had.

I trusted Dr Erika to leave me here until Jenny had either reached an understanding or impasse with Fred. I trusted her to let me help Jenny deal with the consequences should she believe her marriage was a mistake.

I was not sure about the consequences to me and my siblings should the worse happened but my love for my mother made me desire the best life for her possible. Daddy was loving and could be reasonable when he was given a good reason to listen like he would be by Jenny. After an hour had passed, I began to get the feeling that things had resolved themselves and I would be going back to the present soon.

The whirling around took me out of Ridgeland, SC in 1956 and back to Dr Erika's office in the present, seated in front of her. I noticed my reflection in that strategically placed mirror and I was back to being me. I was wearing a ISS Jumpsuit with the CSA patch with my name Dr. Joanna Wolfe. My heart skipped a beat when I realized that I was totally female and congruently myself. Mother must have worked ou something with Daddy about their marriage.

"You are a girl, Joanna! Congratulations!"exclaimed Dr Erika.

Before I could think of something to say, Dr. Erica handed me a wrapped box.

"This is for you, Joanna. I recommend you add what's inside to your purse."

"Thank you Dr. Erica. I didn't get you anything that I know about."

I opened the box and found three tampons, a bottle of Midol and a birth control compact with my name on it with pills missing up to today. I noted the prescription label had my name on it but the birthday was wrong on it The label said I was born February 1, 1957 instead of my birthdate. I checked the ID in my purse and it had me identified as female with the same birthday

"You'll find if you look at your panty liner that you are spotting, Joanna. It's time for your visit from Aunt Flo and I wanted you to be prepared. You've been taking your birth control but you need to remember to keep taking them. You can become pregnant now. Welcome to womanhood, Joanna.!"

"Thank you for looking out for me, Dr Erika. This is everything that I could have wanted ever. It's all real but my birthday changed. Why did that happen?" And why is my name the same? I should have my sister's name since I was born a girl.

"Count backwards nine months from your new birthday, Joanna."said Dr Erika with a smile .

"I was conceived on June 1, 1956, the day my parents were married."

"Jenny and Fred saw themselves in the story that you told Jenny about your parents and why you ran away. Before they made love for the first time after their marriage, Jenny sat down with Fred and talked about the kind of life that they would have together. Fred agreed to go to an actual therapist in spite of the stigma of the time and broke the cycle of abuse which sent his father to an early grave. They also agreed to come to a consensus in their decisions. In the few disagreements that they had, Jenny yielded the lead willingly to Fred. They agreed to let Jenny have autonomy in her own life with Fred helping with the household chores instead of being the executioner if everything was not perfect."

"Wow that is way different from the way that things have gone on in their marriage. I didn't mess up anything that I'm in trouble about now?"

"You didn't mess up Joanna. You just paid things forward to the good. Instead of having sex out of obligation with fear and guilt, Your parents made teal true love many times their wedding day. All it takes is once under perfect conditions like they had after their agreement to make a baby. They made you and in appreciation to the teen girl at the front desk who allowed them to start off their marriage honestly and was the maid of honor at their wedding, they named their firstborn girl, Joanna after her.

What about my history changed as a result of the change in myself and my family?"

"You are still a part of this special therapy due to the chain of events leading back to your beginning it . Under the new history which had you growing up a girl from the beginning you still had challenges but you over came them to become the driven engineer and astronaut that you are today and you were part of NASA's astronaut program as well. You married but that marriage failed because you married someone who was just like your original history father who could not cope with you success which you had already achieved before your marriage. Dr Naadiah's invitation while you were recovering from your marriage led to your TG fiction being published as well as your biography by 50 / 50 press. Your participation in Ellen's next top model attracted the attention of the Canadian Space Agency since you immigrated to Canada.. The reason you are in your CSA uniform is that your training starts tomorrow in Houston for your ISS increment.."

"How are my parents doing?"

"They are doing well. Your father aced anger management and broke the abuse cycle. As a rexult he avoided the heart attack since he had his thyroid deficiency detected much earlier actually listening to your mother. Your Mother due to mending fences with her mother made education and a home career a feature of her life. She now holds a doctorate in biology and holds many royalties due to her discovery of new medical treatments."

"Wow, I have even more than I had before. What about my individual therapy? With my new history just like you said, most of my remaining regrets are no longer relevant."

"Joanna, you have graduated from individual therapy. You'll be taking a sabbatical until you get back from your ISS increment. Then you will be ready to take up a new challenge. "

"Where will I be going when I exit your office this time?"

"You will find yourself in your assigned training quarters in Houston and from there your journey to your next adventure will begin"

"I guess that instead of saying goodbye, Dr Erika, I will wish you a good journey. I look forward to our paths converging again."

"Good Journey Joanna, until we meet again."

I went through the door of Dr. Erika's office and into my quarters in Houston. My journey to the ISS was just beginning but that's a story for another time.

The End

Joanna's List of Regrets
The concept of using the original list of regrets was to build in small steps so that when it is time for major steps the patient has matured enough to successfully complete the regret. To be a whole person Joanna must not only resolve her transgender journey but also grow in maturity in her professional, social, romantic, leisure, intellectual, Health, fitness, and spiritual aspects of her life. Just to refresh your memory, I'm going to repeat Joanna's list of regrets and note which at this time were added, completed or resolved through timeline shift:

'To not have taken the poison and instead chosen to change my life by finding a gender therapist' Resolved: Timeline Shift

'To have never gotten involved romantically with Thea since it was on false pretense that courting her would enable me to cure being trans as a replacement for Mags when she left me.'

'To have never gotten involved with Mags romantically since it was only on false pretense that courting her would cure me being trans.'

'To have taken the chance when I was discovered buying a dress by an unknown sibling to tell all to them instead of it being a wedge that broke us farther and farther apart.'

'To have moved out of my parents house once I had a job so that I could pursue being whole.'

'To have confessed sooner to my pharmacist friend about my desire to take hormones and to pursue getting help to transition from that point.'

'To have completed college instead of skipping class and flunking out by realizing that choosing college was my means to deal with the trans issue. 'Resolved: Timeline Shift via Regret: SUZY

'To have only used the computer in my schoolwork and not let it interfere with college and specifically not get involved with Richmond and TEGAMES 'Resolved: Timeline Shift via Regret: SUZY

'To have chosen to go to class instead of skipping class to do research being trans. 'Resolved: Timeline Shift via Regret: DDT

'To have chosen a real therapist in college instead of Suzy the Psychic' Resolved: Timeline Shift via Regret: SUZY

'To have made better use of confessing being trans to my HS counselor so that I could have been helped without interfering in my schoolwork.' Resolved: Timeline Shift via Regret: DDT

'To not have taken the hard bible thumping line with a girl wanting to be chaplain for a club and support her knowing I was really a girl too' Resolved: Regret: NHS

'To have better explained the realness of being trans to my parents when they caught me and that not dressing as a woman would not solve anything but make me search for other outlets'

'To have talked with her instead of about her in expressing my discomfort of being the object of a junior high cheerleaders' attention by saying hurtful things publicly' Resolved: Regret: DDT

'I regret that I did not become openly female at 18 and get the help I needed for a congruent life lived for real instead of hiding it in fantasy.'(Added after Regret: DDT resolved)

'To have come out as Joanna to my grandmother the summer I spent in the lawnmower shop with my grandfather in Brunswick.' (Added after Regret: NHS resolved)

'To have gone away to summer camp with Dee Dee out in California after my freshman year at High School.' (Added after Regret: NHS resolved)