Count Edmont retired with his sons to mourn privately, but there was no escape to be found from his grief, or mine, within these walls - I couldn't stop hearing the clatter of Count Edmont's cane as it fell to the floor, and him with it.

He had begged me to keep my counsel, and so I held back the words that I longed to speak, that I needed to speak, of the moment when Heurchefant had given his life for mine with his customarily effortless gallantry. We'd clasped hands as friends one last time as his life's blood spilled out onto the stone walkway, and that dear, brave fool had been so relieved to see me unharmed that he'd even admonished me to smile before the spark of life left his eyes and his hand went slack in mine.

Alphinaud and Tataru withdrew to their rooms to mourn appropriately in private. I, on the other hand, threw on a coat against the chill Ishgardian night and went out to stalk the city.

Gods be damned, how many times was I going to have to live this nightmare? How many times would I have to watch good people try, and sometimes succeed, to throw their lives away to save mine?

Ul'Dahn greed had forced me to seek refuge in Ishgard after a scheme that had cost my friends and I nearly everything. Of all that had sacrificed themselves to allow me to escape that farce of a banquet, only Thancred had yet been found. General Raubahn, who had fought to allow our escape, had not only lost an arm, but had been imprisoned and tortured as well. That the charges against the Scions had been dismissed changed nothing - Ilberd and his traitorous lieutenants had vanished, and those in the Syndicate that had funded his coup wouldn't even get a slap on the wrist for their part in a debacle that had nearly claimed the Sultana's life. All because Raubahn had had the poor taste to murder the grasping snake who orchestrated the coup in the first place, which had been a far more merciful death than the miserable bastard had deserved.

And now here I was, watching it all play out again.

Knowing that we would inevitably expose the truth at the heart of the Dragonsong War, the Holy See had barely waited a week after our arrival to charge Alphinaud and Tataru with heresy. When that hadn't been sufficient to scare us off, they'd imprisoned and tortured Ser Aymeric, murdered Heurchefant, then just left as he lay bleeding to death.

Was there no true justice in the world?

Was this to be my fate until the end of my days - striving to aid those in need, only to have those I loved persecuted by the vampires who benefited from the current social order?

I wanted to scream. Wanted to go to the Forgotten Knight, get astoundingly drunk, and start a bar fight with a bunch of pampered nobles. But that would only make things more difficult for the Count - of whose house I was still a ward. So I prowled the Brume hoping that someone would try to mug me, but of course no one was foolish enough to make the attempt.

I walked until I could no longer feel my fingers or toes, and my face burned with the cold. Finally, not knowing where else to go, my feet carried me to the Congregation of Our Knights Most Heavenly.

Lucia was sitting in her usual place outside Ser Aymeric's office, looking even more grim-faced than usual. "Master Merouc."

"I'm here to see Ser Aymeric."

I'd expected to be told that Ser Aymeric was resting, but Lucia surprised me by nodding. "He's left orders that you're to be allowed to see him. Come."

She stood and led me up the stairs to a private room in the Infirmary, then bowed and left.

Despite the late hour, Ser Aymeric was reading. He looked up as I entered, marked the page he was on, and set the book down on the window ledge. At his gesture, I closed the door behind me and trudged woodenly forward to collapse into the chair at his bedside.

"You should be resting," Aymeric chided gently. "You look as terrible as I feel."

I knew the comment was meant as a jest, but rage and grief bubbled up in me. "He was the only person willing to be our friend when we needed one," I said, feeling as though I was tearing the words out of my flesh. "After that farce of a banquet and those trumped-up charges, everyone turned their back on us."

Even you. I didn't say the words, but Aymeric flinched as he heard them anyway.

"Heurchefant didn't have to stick his neck out for us," I added. "He risked his reputation, which was already tarnished by being a bastard, to ensure our safety. It would have been easier for him to do nothing, But he did."

Aymeric said nothing, just watched me with dark blue eyes full of compassion. Watched and listened, and Gods help me, but I didn't have it in me to be Hydaelyn's Chosen just then.

"Heurchefant was one of the only truly good men I have ever known. People mocked him for being a bastard who somehow still believed in heroes, but he never struggled with right and wrong. Whereas I... I am called Warrior of Light, despite the darkness that I wrestle with each day, because I am strong.

"But strength isn't goodness. I don't know that I'll ever be able to cross Ul'Dah's gates without wanting to sink a knife in that snake Lolorito's throat for what he's cost me and mine. But Heurchefant... he would have..." My throat grew too thick for speech, so I sat and trembled with the effort required to keep my control, only for Aymeric to weaken it with his next words.

"My friend," he said softly.

The echo of what Heurchefant had always called me was too much for me to bear. I looked away to hide the tears I couldn't stop from falling, yet I stubbornly kept my voice even as I replied. "My grief is nothing compared to that of his family. Of his brothers in arms."

"Grief isn't a competition," Aymeric said gently.

I covered my mouth too late to stop the sob that escaped, nor could I prevent the one that followed. So I folded myself nearly in half and shook with a grief so intense it felt as if I might be torn apart.

"My friend, you are right." Aymeric's voice was hesitant, but the grasp of his hand on my knee was firm. "I have wronged you most shamefully. Your innocence was plain, but I did nothing, because it would have been politically inconvenient. And yet, you not only saved my unworthy life, but you have been the instrument of Ishgard's salvation several times over. Will you allow me to offer a pittance of redress?" When I shuddered and looked up to meet his gaze, Aymeric carefully scooted over and held his arms open. "You can rage, or cry, or whatever you need, and no one but myself or Lucia, whose discretion I can and have trusted with my life, will ever be the wiser."

I knew the instant it was offered that there was no way I could say no. Both Alphinaud and Tataru were too green to truly understand a warrior's rage and grief, and I badly needed this outlet.

I nodded, awkwardly shed my coat and boots, and - after considering how I could avoid further injuring Aymeric's bruised ribs - curled up with my head in his lap. For the next... half hour? Hour? He patiently stroked my hair as I clung to his legs and alternately sobbed and ranted until the storm of grief was spent.

When I had lain trembling and silent for several minutes, Aymeric reached up to activate the linkpearl in his earring. "Lucia. Master Merouc requires water. A lot of water, and... perhaps a selection of fruit?"

I nodded wearily.

"Some fruit, then. Your discretion will, of course, be required."

Lucia herself entered not more than a minute later with the requested provisions. Too exhausted to care about how miserable I looked, I didn't stir as Aymeric directed her to set the tray on the window ledge.

"Sit up," Aymeric ordered.

Unable to muster the will to argue, I complied, even though it left me pressed awkwardly against Aymeric's side. He handed me a full glass of water, which I needed no urging to drain in its entirety.

I had another two glasses and most of a pear before I was too unpleasantly full for anything more.

"I should go," I rasped hoarsely.

Aymeric frowned, looking as if he was choosing his next words with great care. "I do not wish to be misunderstood, so I will preface this offer by saying that this is not a proposition or a seduction. But." He squeezed my shoulder gently. "If you do not wish to return to Manor Fortemps tonight, you can stay with me."

I hesitated, wanting the comfort, but not so badly that I wanted to stay if he was only offering out of a sense of obligation.

"I won't be offended if you choose to say no."

"Then. Yes. Thank you."

Since two slept considerably warmer in a small bed than one, I removed my shirt and vest before getting into bed, then made Aymeric shift to the side closest to the door, so that he wouldn't have to injure himself climbing over me if he needed to get up in the middle of the night. It took a minute to find a position that was comfortable and didn't require either of us to dangle over the edge, but finally we ended up with Aymeric on his back and me curled against his side with my head on his shoulder.

"Rest, my friend. We will face it all together in the morning."

I closed my eyes, not expecting to sleep, and feel instantly into blackness.

- - -

I woke up groggy and confused at slightly past dawn the following morning, and struggled to make sense of my surroundings.

My bare chest was pressed against a broad, muscular back, in what was very much not my bed at Manor Fortemps - which suggested I'd attempted to drown my grief by getting drunk and hooking up with some anonymous knight or mercenary. I couldn't remember having sex, but I certainly felt awful enough to have been blackout drunk when it happened, and I couldn't imagine feeling comfortable sharing such a tiny bed with anyone I hadn't fucked.

My already-hard cock stirred, registering its interest in exploring the warm body we were curled around, since we couldn't remember doing it the first time. So, since my bed mate and I had presumably fucked already and today was going to be difficult enough without adding 'sexual frustration' to my long list of very potent woes, I squeezed my bed partner's waist and kissed their shoulder. "Good morning," I murmured.

They stirred and made a sleepy noise. When I ran my hand up one powerful flank, they shifted to press back against me with a noise that might have been interest.

I groaned, rutting against them as I curled my arm around their waist, and...

Look. I'm not proud of this, all right?

I was hung over from too much weeping and desperate for a small moment of bliss before I had to take up the mantle of the Warrior of Light once more. Which isn't an excuse for what happened next - groping someone who is asleep because they weren't immediately unreceptive is inexcusable, and I know that.

But, nevertheless, it's what I did.

I reached around to grip their cock through the soft fabric of their pajama pants, and found it just as hard as mine. My bed partner moaned and bucked against my hand, and I was just about to slip that hand under the waistband of their pants when I finally woke up enough to remember where I was and who I was with.

At which point I disengaged so hurriedly that I would have fallen out of bed if I wasn't on the side right against the wall.

"I'm so, so sorry," I stammered as I tried and was not able to put any amount of distance between us.

Gods, how had we managed to sleep in this tiny bed? Aymeric was so tall, and while I was short by the standards of my own people, I was still taller than Thancred. Even after flattening myself completely against the cold stone wall, there were still so many points of contact, and my only options for escape were either climbing over Aymeric (not an option) or out a second story window (rapidly becoming an option).

Aymeric turned around and caught my wrist before I could do more than brace my elbow on the window sill, and for a wonder his expression held nothing but understanding. "Anyone would have been disoriented after the circumstances of what you have just been through. Rest assured that I am not angry, and on my honor as a Knight I will tell no one of this."

I stared at him in wide-eyed shock, but finally I managed a hoarse "thank you".

I must still have looked quite the madman - Aymeric released my wrist dubiously, as though he expected me to attempt escape through the window anyway - and there was an excruciating eternity of eye contact before he sighed. "One night of comfort does little to redress a debt that I can never repay. Would you allow me to. Ah. Provide you some... relief?"

Gods help me, my face and my cock were both on fire. "I don't want to fuck anyone who feels obligated to be with me," I snapped.

Aymeric smiled ruefully and shook his head. "I didn't mean it like that. I offer because I want to. Because your pain grieves me, and..." He paused and laid a hand on my knee, and when he continued his voice was warm and entreating. "Because you're beautiful."

I blinked stupidly at him. "You think I'm beautiful?"

Amusement twinkled in Aymeric's ice-blue eyes, but he kindly did not laugh. "I do. And let you think I'm harboring some wish for deathless romance, I know there is no chance of that. My heart belongs to another, and your road will eventually take you away from Ishgard, whereas my place will always be here. And... I won't be offended if you say no."

I searched his face intently, but found only sincerity. Which, once again, was enough to convince me to accept his offer. "Then... how...?"

Aymeric's gaze was soft and so full of warmth as he gazed up at me. "Lie back."

I did, and Aymeric found a position that allowed him to nuzzle my erection through the fabric of my trousers as he unbuttoned my fly. I groaned as I impatiently kicked them off, only for Aymeric to take hold of my wrists, pinning them to the mattress before I could pull down my drawers.

He stopped my struggling with a stern look and again, I found myself caught off guard by his generosity. Given the enormity of our responsibilities, I had assumed he meant a rushed affair - just enough to bring me to orgasm and nothing more. But the tenderness in Aymeric's eyes was something I hadn't realized I needed until it was being offered.

"Oh," I said faintly. Unaccountably, I found myself welling up as he started to mouth me through the thin fabric of my drawers.

Satisfied that I wasn't going to continue trying to rush him, Aymeric released me, and I surrendered myself to his attentions.

When he finally started to peel drawers off, I found myself blushing. "I don't want to be the only one who's naked," I said self-consciously.

Aymeric smiled at me with understanding and stripped with brisk efficiency, revealing an expanse of lightly-scarred muscles that my imaginings could never have done justice. Then he knelt beside me, giving my cock the reverence he would give a saint as he engulfed the head with his mouth.

As before, his attentions were languid and unhurried without being teasing, his free hand working just as slow and steady at his own cock as he sucked me. My climax built with such exquisite slowness that I didn't realize how close I was until I cried out and came in his mouth. Aymeric swallowed me down without complaint, only pulling off of me when I started to go soft.

His eyes were unfocused and his breathing ragged as he stroked himself faster, clearly intending to finish himself quickly, but I surprised both of us by laying my hand over his. "Allow me?"

He nodded, eyes wide, and I wrapped my hand around him, running my thumb through the moisture leaking from his tip before I began to stroke him with the same unhurried deliberateness he had used on me. Even so, it didn't take long until he was gasping and trembling as he bucked into the circle of my hand.

"Come for me," I urged quietly.

Which he did, as beautifully as he did everything else. It was simultaneously a joy to watch and a relief to observe that I could enjoy his beauty without wanting to possess it.

Afterward, I buried my face in Aymeric's neck, and he held me tightly. For a few minutes I was safe in the shelter of his arms, and utterly, utterly cherished.

Of course, it couldn't last.

"As delightful as this is, I'm afraid I have duties that must be attended to," Aymeric said, his tenor voice heavy with regret.

I sighed. Nodded. "As do I. Obviously. Murderers to catch and all that."

Aymeric smiled and pressed a kiss to the tip of my nose. "My offer stands open, whenever you have need. I am here to provide..."

He hesitated, and I broke in, unable to resist the obvious pun. "Succor?"

Thankfully, even Aymeric wasn't too chivalrous to laugh at a dick joke. "That too, when time permits."

- - -

I did avail myself of Aymeric's comfort after that whenever I found myself in Ishgard and was not actively being stabbed, shot at, or preventing people from perpetrating the same on their fellow citizens. Often, we did have sex, but sometimes he just listened to me rage, or held me as I cried.

And no, it wasn't deathless romance, because I didn't love Aymeric romantically, and didn't think I ever would. It was something I needed far more than mere romance - closeness. Tenderness. And warm, human touch.

Lucia caught on fairly quickly to what was going on, but refused to acknowledge it, acting as if this was just another service I was performing for Ishgard.

- - -

4.0 - AFTER BEING DEFEATED BY ZENOS AT RHALGR'S REACH

In the end, Aymeric's prediction about our ultimate fates proved correct. I struck down both Archbishop Thordan and Nidhogg, then stood at Aymeric's side as he laid bare the true origin of the Dragonsong War before the people of Ishgard. It was a surprise only to Aymeric when they subsequently made him head of both church and state.

As Ishgard's attentions turned from war to the long, slow, tedious work of peace, escalating tensions with Garlemald meant that I was called away with increasing regularity. Finally, after the disastrous failure of the Eorzean campaign in Ala Mhigo, it was decided that a contingent of Scions would journey to Doma to aid Gosetsu and Yugiri's countrymen in their fight against the Empire, and I knew that my days of calling Ishgard home had reached an end.

It didn't seem right to leave without saying goodbye.

Lucia nodded at me solemnly as I walked in to the Congregation of Knights Most Heavenly, as though it hadn't been a month since she'd seen me.

"Is the Lord Commander busy?"

"For you, he is never too busy," she answered earnestly.

I blushed. "Thank you. For everything."

Lucia gave me a rare smile. "I'll see to it that you're not disturbed."

Rattled by her calm acceptance, I wasn't paying enough attention as I entered Aymeric's office to notice that the lamps had been turned down until the door had already latched quietly behind me. It took a moment for my eyes to adjust, and another much longer moment to register the meaning of what I saw: Aymeric bent over his desk against the back window, coat and pants removed and bare ass upturned. Behind him was a figure that, by the white hair and knightly dress, could only be Estinien, who was in a similar state of undress. The angle prevented me from actually seeing his cock, but the way his muscular thighs moved as he slowly pressed forward, I could easily imagine how it would look as he slowly sank inside the other man.

Aymeric cried out softly as he pressed back against Estinien, who - and perhaps I wronged him by assuming that he would be a forceful and impatient lover - unexpectedly showed Aymeric the same tenderness that Aymeric had always showed me as he brushed the hair from the back of Aymeric's neck and bent to lavish it with kisses. As he started to fuck Aymeric, his hips moved with a sinuous grace I found utterly captivating.

...Gods, what was I doing here?

I had to go. This was something private, not meant for me, but... what would I tell Lucia, who had thought that Aymeric was alone? She'd want a reason for my swift departure. I froze as I attempted to resolve the dilemma, but I was so hard I could barely breathe, let alone think.

Aymeric's face was soft with pleasure in a way that I had seen it many times before, and yet very much needed to not be seeing now, which made me decide to go and stonewall Lucia if need be. The Savior of Ishgard didn't have to explain themself if they didn't want to. But it was dark, and desire made me clumsy enough to trip and fall against the door as I turned to leave.

Movement stopped, and two sets of eyes turned toward me.

"I'm sorry," I choked out, turning red up to my scalp. "Lucia said you were alone."

"Yes. Well." Aymeric coughed and glanced at the window behind his desk, which was slightly ajar. Which was Estinien all over - why use the door when there's a perfectly good window?

I should go. I should make my apologies, and leave. And yet, I found myself frozen in place as I tried to explain the unexplainable. "I didn't mean... I-I'm leaving for Doma tomorrow, and..."

Aymeric exchanged a look with Estinien that was wholly unreadable to me, but Estinien nodded and pulled out of his lover, arranging his tunic so that he was covered before he turned around. Aymeric, however, continued looking at me over his shoulder and remained as he was - legs spread and ass open. "You don't have to go."

"I don't?" I wanted to leave, but my traitor feet carried me forward anyway.

Estinien shrugged, his guarded expression giving me no clues to his thoughts. "Your claim precedes mine."

"It's not..." I stopped and swallowed hard. "Aymeric is my friend, but he loves you," I protested, knowing without ever having been told that Estinien was the one who Aymeric had given his heart to.

Estinien's brows hit the ceiling, and now both of us were looking at Aymeric in confusion. By the look on Aymeric's face, my guess had struck the mark. However, Estinien's reaction made it plain that Aymeric hadn't seen fit to share that fact with him.

Gods above and below I was making an unholy mess of this. "What... what do you want, Aymeric?"

Aymeric's blue eyes looked at me unflinchingly. "I'd like to send you off in the manor you had envisioned," he replied, then cast an uncertain glance at Estinien. "And... if you don't find the idea repugnant, I'd like Estinien to stay. I don't wish there to be secrets between us."

I hadn't a jot of attraction toward the Azure Dragoon, but... I couldn't say that Aymeric's proposal didn't have a certain appeal.

Estinien gave a typically Estinien shrug. "If there is no question of where the allegiance of his heart lies, I would not mind sharing his body with you as comrades on the eve of battle."

My face was so warm that my cheeks felt painful and crisp, and I had a sudden flash of insight as to the appeal of Ishgardian knightly circumlocution. Couching the proposal in flowery language surely made it easier to say than 'Since you're off to get butchered by the Garleans, I don't mind if you fuck my boyfriend while I watch'.

I nodded, looked away, and started to remove my coat.

Estinien looked amused at my discomfort as he retrieved his pants, folded them with great fastidiousness, and set them down on Aymeric's chair - which had been pushed against the wall - before seating himself. I resisted the impulse to turn away as I removed my pants - Aymeric had already seen my cock, and it would be impossible for Estinien not to see it if he was going to watch me while I fucked his lover with it.

Aymeric nodded at the vial of oil on his desk, which I used to lubricate myself. As Estinien had already worked Aymeric open for me, I slid into him easily, burying myself completely with a groan. As I started to move inside him, Aymeric braced his weight on his elbows and arched his back, just as he had when it had been Estinien's cock inside him.

Estinien pulled his tunic aside and started to stroke himself slowly as he watched us, which heightened both my nervousness and my arousal. My self-consciousness about having an audience vanished fairly quickly, however, as I lost myself for a few minutes in Aymeric's weat heat, the bliss on his face, and the noises he made each time I thrust into him.

Eventually, Estinien's soft breathing gave way to low moans. I felt an almost dizzying rush of blood to my cock as I looked over to see him watching us with raptor intensity. He groaned louder when I caught his gaze, his grip tightening convulsively on his cock.

"Look at what you're doing to Estinien," I groaned, thrusting hard into Aymeric and pausing there.

Aymeric turned his head, and I watched something in him catch fire as the two of them made eye contact.

It wasn't the first time I'd had an audience while fucking someone, but those had been casual encounters without any real meaning. Fucking a dear friend in front of their lover was an entirely new experience, and it changed... everything. I almost didn't recognize my own voice as I asked, "do you like having him watch you like this?"

"Yes," Aymeric gasped, seeming just as affected as I was. His usual patience vanished as he clutched the desk and shoved back against me with a keening moan, and suddenly I wanted something more forceful than our habitually tender love-making.

"Gods," Aymeric breathed. "Do it. Fuck me."

I gasped, shifted my grip to his hips. "Estinien," I said loud enough for both men to hear. "Is a very lucky man."

I started pounding into Aymeric, relishing the slap of flesh on flesh, and he urged me on with desperate, needy moans. I could hear Estinien's breathing grow harsh and ragged, but I had eyes only for Aymeric as he begged me for more.

When I knew I was close, I lowered my weight onto my elbows, covering Aymeric - who twisted to kiss my clumsily. "Can I come inside you?"

"Yes," Aymeric hissed, elongating the sibilant. Then, "yes," again, a full octave lower. And then he was a sobbing, writhing mass of yes as he cried out and clenched around me, pulling me over with him.

I sobbed with the strength of my climax, losing the rhythm of my thrusts entirely as I thrust another half dozen times and spilled into Aymeric.

I went limp on top of him when it had passed, and we lay like that for a minute as we both panted for air. When I finally mustered the strength to stand and pull out, Estinien was looking about in dismay as he tried to keep his tunic out of the mess he'd made of his chest.

With a laugh, I pulled a handkerchief from my coat pocket and handed it to Estinien. "Keep it."

Estinien thanked me gravely and used it to clean himself, then Aymeric.

I got dressed awkwardly, not looking at either man as they followed suit.

With an ease that I badly envied, Aymeric gestured for us to to be seated as he used his linkpearl to request a tray of refreshments for three, which a young page brought a few minutes later.

Grateful for the excuse to do something with my hands, I poured myself a cup of tea. "Thank you," I said, unsure who exactly I was directing my gratitude towards.

Estinien surprised me by replying first. "You were good for each other. And I owe you."

I gave him a sour look and a soul-weary sigh. "Not you too."

Estinien shrugged, unrepentant, and snagged a piece of cheese.

I shook my head, pulled a wrapped bundle out of my coat pocket, and placed it in front of Aymeric. "It's several months journey to Kugane, where we will then, apparently, have to negotiate with pirates for safe passage to Doma, so I imagine it will be quite some time before I'm back. And. It seemed only appropriate to give you a token of my thanks before I leave." I paused, then awkwardly added, "I made it," as he started to unwrap it.

Inside was a silver pegasus rampant with sapphire eyes - the color and insignia of House Borel - fashioned into a cloak clasp. Aymeric looked up at me with wide eyes. "It's beautiful. Truly you are a person of many talents, my friend. But you didn't have to do this."

"I know. I wanted to." I clenched my fists in my lap as I took a deep breath. "Whatever debt you feel you owe me, I discharge it." When Aymeric tried to protest, I cut him off. "I can and will happily call in the debt owed by the Nation of Ishgard to the Scions of the Seventh Dawn for many years to come. But you - Aymeric de Borel - owe me - Savvel Merouc - nothing. I was drowning, and maybe it's melodramatic to say that you saved me, but... you did."

I fidgeted, uncomfortable about my effusiveness in front of Estinien, but the Dragoon just shrugged. "Of the two of us, you had the healthier coping mechanism by far."

"Estinien!" I exclaimed. "Was that a joke?"

His lips twitched with a faint but undeniable smile. "No."

Aymeric was looking at me with shining eyes as his hand curled around the cloak clasp. "Thank you. I will treasure this gift."

I nodded, then stood. "I should go. I have packing to attend to."

"Of course." Aymeric rose and pulled me into a tight hug.

"This isn't goodbye forever," I murmured into his shoulder. "It's goodbye for now."

He kissed my forehead before he released me. "May the Fury guide you."

I turned to Estinien and hesitated, uncertain of how to bid farewell, and he solved my dilemma by clasping my wrist. "Give them hell, Warrior of Light."

-----

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