I was shaking and couldn't get rid of the tightness in my chest. I felt cold, which was surprising considering the hot summer weather. I tried my best to keep from sweating which would ruin the light makeup I had applied earlier to hide my exhaustion. The long airplane ride back home would have been stressful enough without having to keep tabs on the bundle of energy that now lay sprawled across the backseat with his head in my lap.

I looked at him closely and smiled, I hadn't been able to get him to sit still the entire 6-hour flight and here he was, sleeping like an angel.

I wondered what my mother would say about him. We hadn't seen each other since I moved far away over a decade ago. We hadn't talked and I didn't even know if she knew I had a son now.

My heart raced as the cab made its final approach and I began to recognize places that for the last decade had only existed in my memory.

I dreaded seeing her again. I dreaded seeing everyone, but especially her. We'd never seen eye to eye and I suspected we wouldn't see eye to eye about this either.

That wasn't entirely accurate. There was a time when we were on the same page about everything. In fact, growing up, I got so used to people calling me 'Mama's handbag' because she never went anywhere without me. She'd never have said it out loud, but everyone knew I was her favorite son.

I quickly opened my phone's selfie camera and checked my make-up to make sure everything was still in order. I took a deep breath as my childhood home came into view. It looked different, smaller.

Logically, I knew it was a large home by any standard. It had 13 rooms and stood on a property that was massive enough to have its own lake but somehow it seemed smaller. Growing up, it seemed like the entire world and so impossibly big. Now, all I saw was a shell.

"Wake up, honey" I rubbed Jackson's head gently, "We're here"

He woke up for a moment, groaned loudly then buried his head back in my lap, "I'm sleepy"

"I told you to sleep on the plane" I smiled while rubbing my fingers through his hair.

No answer.

"Ma'am, we're here," The cab driver said as he brought the vehicle to a complete stop in front of the large gate that separated my childhood home from the rest of the world.

"Yes, could you just ring that bell?" I asked, quickly raising my head to point to the button reachable through the driver's window. "Someone should come open the gate"

My confidence faded as I finished the sentence. While there was a gatehouse nearby with staff to attend to visitors at the gate, it had been so long and I couldn't possibly be sure of the state of things anymore.

Thankfully, shortly after the driver did as I asked, a man dressed in black hurried out to meet us. The driver quickly gestured the man over to me and I cleared my throat preparing to state my business.

"Sorry ma'am, the family isn't taking any visitors today" the man spoke respectfully. I couldn't help but notice that half his shirt buttons had been buttoned out of alignment which told me I'd caught him at an awkward moment.

"It's okay, I'm family" I explained while shifting my attention to his unkempt hair, "My parents live here"

He looked confused for a moment before stepping back, "I'm sorry, please wait" he called then ran off back in the direction of the gatehouse.

"I'm sorry", I apologized to the driver while running my fingers once again through Jackson's hair.

"It's alright" The man replied while looking through the rear-view mirror, "How old?" he asked.

"Four" I answered.

"A good age. They are very easy at that age" he revealed as we waited, "All mine are teens now"

"Trust me, there's nothing easy about this one" I laughed. "What you are seeing is very rare indeed"

He chuckled, "I understand. Cherish these moments, they're the ones you'll look back on the fondest"

I wasn't sure I appreciated the unsolicited advice especially since I could expect many more from my mother but it seemed like it was given in good faith so I forced a smile.

"How many do you have?" I asked, changing the subject.

"Three" he answered. Believe it or not, that was the average number of children in my country, if even a bit low of an estimate. Children were seen as a blessing and more was always better. It was the same mentality that gave me five siblings -- well, four now. "You?" he asked.

"Just this one" I smiled.

"Planning more?" He asked. Again, I didn't appreciate the invasive questions but I answered anyway.

"I don't know yet"

That was the best answer I could give. I couldn't exactly say "My best friend died while giving birth to her son and while helping her boyfriend take care of the child, we both started developing feelings for each other and eventually got married so most likely, no more children because I can't have any".

Thankfully, the man from earlier returned and quickly opened the gate allowing me to concentrate on the real issue at hand. 'My family'.

=^..^=

We'd been parked on the driveway for quite some time as my heart raced, watching the house's front door. They hadn't even bothered to come out to meet me. I'm sure they would have sent a driver to meet my sister at the airport but they couldn't even be bothered to come out to the driveway for me.

'Matty, why'd you have to go and die?' I thought to myself. 'If you hadn't, I'd never have come back here'. I gently wiped a rogue tear with the back of my index finger and sniffed, preparing myself to make my appearance.

The cab driver had graciously allowed me to sit and prepare myself even though I was costing him money by taking so much time. I made sure to add a generous tip to his payment before attempting to wake Jackson one more time, "Come on, honey. Stand"

"No," he groaned.

I flashed the driver an apologetic smile before opening the door, "Come on," I awkwardly stepped out before carrying my son out on my arm.

"Do you need help getting the bags inside?" The driver reached out to the passenger side to ask about the bags he'd already placed on the floor of the driveway.

'It's okay, someone will get it" I said once again, unsure of myself. My family had always had numerous caretakers and helpers and it bothered me that no one had come out to help me. I briefly wondered whether they were having money problems before I heard the main door open to reveal my mother and sister.

I waved the driver goodbye and turned to face the two women that I hadn't seen in person in quite some time.

Jackson was once again fast asleep with his head on my shoulder as I approached the waiting women. I courteously smiled as I reached the steps that led up to the front door.

"Hi, mum," I said sheepishly.

She inspected me, everything from my head to my feet with that same judgemental expression I remember from all those years ago. Every time I thought she would say something, she kept it to herself.

"Leah, how have you been?" I turned to my older sister.

"Umm, I'm good. You look different" she commented.

"I guess I do" I smiled awkwardly. They both stood in front of the door and I wasn't entirely sure they were planning to let me through. Maybe I shouldn't have let the cab driver go after all.

"Who is this?" It was the first time I'd heard my mother's voice in just over eleven years and those were the first words she said to me.

"This is my son, Jackson" I forced a smile anyway, "He's tired from the long flight" I wanted to be let in so I could allow him to sleep comfortably if not for anything else, and not have to answer their questions at the door.

I hated Matty for forcing me to be here. I wish he hadn't died and certainly wished he hadn't asked me to come back home for the funeral. He was under the illusion that I had to reconcile with my parents and had used his final request to set his infernal wheels in motion.

His love for and good opinion of our mother would never have allowed him to see that she would never accept a transgender daughter and there was even less chance of her accepting a grandson that shared none of her DNA. This was all pointless and I knew that very well.

"Is there somewhere I can lay him to bed?" I asked hurrying the conversation along, "It's been a long journey"

I noticed my mother's gaze linger on my chest. I'd made the right decision opting for trousers instead of the dress I'd usually wear but the blouse was revealing a fair bit of cleavage.

"Anna" my mother suddenly called out and a young woman dressed in a black and white attire quickly made her appearance. She answered eagerly with her gaze only occasionally shifting to me still standing at the bottom of the stairs.

"Bring those bags in, prepare a room" My mother ordered and turned abruptly before heading back in.

There was a brief, uncomfortable moment when my older sister and I locked eyes. I had little hope that things would improve with my mother but I had retained hope that I might patch things up with my two sisters and remaining brother.

She turned to follow our mother back into the house but I quickly called out to her, surprising even myself, "Leah!"

She turned back to look at me. There was a part of me that felt bad for her. Her brother left one day and this woman returned. It can't have been easy.

"Aren't you going to ask me how I've been?" I asked hoping I could steer things in the right direction.

Our eyes locked once more. We had so much history together but now we were strangers. Leah had been the first person to find out about me. She'd found my pills in my room one day after I'd carelessly left them out. She'd thought they were recreational drugs at first and had been understandably very upset with me. I'd had to tell her what they really were and for some weird reason, it had only made her even more upset.

It baffled me for the longest time that my family would have preferred it if I was a drug addict and not transgender. I'd begged her not to tell our parents and she'd agreed for a time, until she needed to get the heat off her after she'd done something really stupid.

She sighed, "How have you been, lil bro?"

Her words took me aback. It felt so unnecessary but so on-brand for her. I couldn't help but scowl in response.

"Don't call me that" I took one step after another up the stairs until I reached her, "At least not in front of him" I added as I walked passed her and through the large front door.

"Whose kid is that, Caleb?" I heard her voice from behind and that was about it. Not even five minutes and I'd already had enough. I knew it was a mistake from the start but at least now I'd fulfilled my promise to Matty.

I ignored her and made my way to the massive living room and lay Jackson gently on one of the chairs careful not to wake him. I didn't want him to see the tears that had begun to fill my eyes.

I hated Matty for bringing me here. His problem was that he always saw the best in people. Maybe that was why he kept in contact with me even after I left home. I'd always wondered if there was ever a better way I could have handled everything back then instead of running. Now I knew I did the best I could and my family was truly impossible.

I searched my bag for my phone. I needed to leave as quickly as possible and preferably before Jackson woke up. I didn't want him to know these people anymore.

"Who are you?" I heard a voice that dragged me away from my panicked thoughts. I recognized it. It was much frailer than I remembered but it was definitely his.

"Dad?" My own voice cracked as it spoke. I hadn't even noticed him in the corner of the living room buried in his chair. He was so old and weak and nothing like the strong man I remembered. The years hadn't been kind to him.

"Who is it?" he asked again tilting his head to get a better look. I'd heard from Matty that he'd survived several illnesses but I didn't expect it to have affected him to this degree.

"It's me, Dad. It's -- Caleb. But I go by Ruth now"

"You're a woman," he said and I wasn't sure if it was a statement, an observation, or a question.

I hadn't planned on reconciling with him but in that moment, being there in front of him, I thought I should at least treat him with respect.

"Yes, Dad. I'm a woman"

The last time I'd said those words to him, he'd beat me. Now he barely looked strong enough to stand let alone raise his hand against me.

"You did it" Once again I wasn't sure whether he was asking me or telling me.

"I did it" I answered nonetheless.

"Who is that?" He asked. It looked like it hurt to talk with the way he forced out the words.

"That's Jackson, my son"

He sighed and lay back in his chair, quietly he said, "I don't understand"

"Jackson is--" I began to explain but approaching footsteps stopped me in my tracks. I quickly prepared myself to go another round with my mother and Leah but it wasn't either one. It was Anna, apologizing and informing me that my room had been prepared and my bags were waiting.

I nodded her away before turning back to my father but his eyes were already closed. The only sign of life was his short, labored breathing. A stranger might have been concerned that he was being left alone in his condition but I knew it would have been his order. It wasn't an exaggeration to say that my father hated people and preferred to keep his own company. He might have never married had it not been arranged.

I realized I was still clutching my phone with the rideshare app waiting for me to continue but surprisingly, I'd changed my mind. There were enough positives in my conversation with my father to make me want to stick it out, at least until I met my other siblings. One of who I knew accepted me for who I was and she would be arriving soon.

I took a deep breath before tossing my phone back in my bag and once again, carrying Jackson in my arms.

"Let's get you to bed," I said finally.

=^..^=

I must have been very exhausted because as soon as Anna led me to my room, I got right to bed alongside Jackson and didn't wake up until he did several hours later.

"Mummy," he said giggling as he climbed on top of me forcing me awake.

"What, honey?" I muttered as I regained my bearings.

"I'm hungry" he pouted.

"Check my bag, sweetie, I think there's some of your burger left," I said shifting uncomfortably in bed before turning to face the other way. I hadn't gotten nearly enough sleep. I had barely gotten any sleep before the trip and Jackson hadn't let me get any throughout either.

"I ate it" He replied quickly.

"You ate it? I asked after opening my eyes and turning back to face him.

He nodded and flashed me a toothy grin.

"Is that true?" I asked in disbelief. When would he have had the chance to do that?

He nodded with that same goofy smile causing me to wonder how long I'd been asleep. I liked that he had a good appetite but I didn't want him wandering around unsupervised and eating whatever he wanted.

"Next time, wake mummy up okay?" I said unable to hide my worry.

He nodded again.

I sat up in the bed and rubbed my fingers through his messy hair causing him to giggle as he usually would whenever I did that, "Give mummy a minute, okay? We'll go down and see if we can't find you something"

Each room did have a button you could press and have someone come up and admittedly, I'd used it a lot growing up but now it seemed strange to have someone at your beck and call without ever leaving your bed.

'5:52 pm' I thought to myself after checking my phone. It had been 5 hours since we arrived here. I mentally kicked myself for leaving Jackson alone for so long and hoped he would have been asleep for most of it. He looked full of energy so he must have been well rested.

I made my way to the bathroom and turned on the light. I was caught off-guard by my disheveled reflection. My hair was a tangled mess and I'd even fallen asleep without taking off my makeup. I realized I must have been running on fumes all day so I was glad I'd decided to stay and not get back on the road in that state. This city might have been my home once but now I was a stranger.

I would never do anything to put Jackson in harm's way.

I splashed water on my face and ran my fingers through my hair before exiting the bathroom.

"Ready?" his eyes perked up as I reappeared.

"No" I smiled, "Be patient. You can play with my phone while you wait"

"Tee" he squealed and hurried across the bed to retrieve the phone.

I shook my head as I made my way for our bags in the corner.

'The last thing I want to do was face my family looking like a trainwreck' I thought to myself as I retrieved my makeup remover, hair brush, and other necessary items.

=^..^=

I led Jackson down the hall towards the staircase that led downstairs. I remembered running down these halls as a child and now I was leading mine down the same path. So much time had passed and so many memories I'd forgotten over the years, a lot of good but also a lot of bad.

"When is daddy coming?" Jackson asked skipping along without a worry in the world.

"Soon, darling" I assured him even though I wasn't sure we'd be here till then, "Daddy will be here soon"

Tom had been on a business trip for nearly three weeks already so even I hadn't seen him in some time. Naturally, he'd wanted me to wait for him to return so we could fly together as a family but I'd convinced him to have us fly separately.

My reasoning was that we shouldn't waste the money for his flight back home when he could simply take a flight straight here. He hadn't been happy with this arrangement and had even pointed out the ticket home wasn't coming out of his pocket, but I'd been set on it so he reluctantly agreed.

The real reason I wanted us to come separately was so he wouldn't see my family treat me poorly like I feared they might. Tom was much less tolerant of bigots than I was and had been known to fly off the handle especially where I was concerned.

This way, I figured I'd test the waters first, and if I thought it wouldn't work out, I could keep him away from my family altogether. It helped that we found a flight for him two days after mine to give me time to decide.

"I miss Daddy" I heard Jackson say. I turned to him and was met with the cutest face which caused my heart to melt.

"Me too, baby" I couldn't hide my adoration, "I miss him too"

He and Jackson were the best things that ever happened to me and for that reason, I always felt extremely guilty. They were supposed to be Ashley's best things, not mine.

I squeezed Jackson's hand gently and prayed I'd never have to let go. I owed Ashley the life I had now and knew I would never stop feeling grateful for as long as I lived.

=^..^=

My memory proved to be sufficiently accurate and we eventually reached the kitchen and found the staff preparing what looked nothing short of a feast.

"Good evening, ma'am" One of the women quickly spoke as I appeared.

"Can I get some food for my son?" I asked politely. The younger me might not have been so courteous with the help.

"What would he like? We can prepare it"

"Anything is fine" I assured her trying not to bother them too much seeing as they had several large meals to prepare. "Just absolutely no nuts. He's allergic."

"Understood, ma'am"

I thanked the woman before turning to leave, "Just be a little patient, Jackson"

"Okay, mummy"

We had only made our way back to the stairs before we were accosted by my mother.

"Your brother is here," she said, "We're all in the garden. Why don't you join us?" she offered.

My brother, the golden child. Heir to my father's entire business. Like me, he had a child of his own but unlike me, his was biologically related to our parents. He was everything my mother wished I would have been. For a long time, I too wished I could have been like him.

It was a long time ago now.

"Okay," I said quietly then watched my mother walk passed me and towards the kitchen.

She hadn't even acknowledged Jackson's presence.

=^..^=

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Hi again. Thanks for reading. I know it's just the first chapter but what do you think about it so far? Either way, I hope you'll stay for the rest of it.

I found it difficult to take another step. I wasn't sure I was mentally prepared to go another round with my mother and sister especially with my brother having arrived to provide them with reinforcement.

Even worse was the fact that I'd be bringing Jackson into their presence. I didn't know what I'd do if someone said something cruel to him. I wasn't sure I was strong enough.

I looked down at my son and found him counting the fingers on his free hand as if they were the most fascinating things in the world. He was so precious and I would do anything for him.

"Honey?" I called to get his attention as I dropped to one knee to be level with him.

"Yes, mummy?" his wide eyes peered deep into mine expectantly.

I ran my palm down the side of his head, framed his face with his hair, and squeezed his cheeks. He giggled.

"Mummy loves you, okay? More than anything in the whole world"

"More than Daddy?" he asked innocently.

I smiled and ran my fingers through his hair, "Yes, even more than Daddy. But he is second place after you"

"Okay," he replied matter-of-factly.

I smoothed his clothes and arranged his hair the way he liked it, then I did my best to stay strong for him if nothing else.

"Do you want to go meet your uncle and auntie?"

"Auntie Clara?" he asked.

"Auntie Clara is Daddy's sister" I explained, "Daddy's sibling. Do you know what that means?"

Jackson shook his head in response.

"A sibling is a brother or sister. Uncle Aaron and Auntie Leah are Mummy's brother and sister"

"Uncle Aaron--" he repeated.

"Yes, and Auntie Leah. I want you to be good to them, okay?"

"Okay, Mummy"

With that, I rose to my feet and prepared myself.

=^..^=

The evening breeze was a pleasant change of pace from the hot afternoon sun.

I led Jackson down the path to the garden that I'd taken so many times as a kid. There were moments when I'd come across a stone statue or a patch of grass and I'd be revisited by a memory I thought was long gone.

If I focused hard enough on them, I could almost hear Rebecca and I giggling as we explored every last inch of our surroundings. With Rebecca and I being so close in age, we did pretty much everything together. We enjoyed all the same things too and as such we were inseparable.

In truth, I was a very happy child and content in the life that I lived. Several times, I'd listened to stories from other women like me and they'd have always felt different. They'd have always known they were born in the wrong body.

Maybe I wasn't a very smart kid because my distress didn't manifest until adolescence when I finally understood the fundamental difference between Rebecca and me. It was like a switch flipped in my head and one random day, I became convinced I would never be happy again.

The things I'd been so oblivious to became clear as day overnight. The clothes I was made to wear, the color of the toys my parents bought me, and the extracurricular classes my parents enrolled me in.

My world shattered overnight and nobody noticed.

It was the sounds of spirited conversation that brought me back to reality but as Jackson and I came within view of the large gazebo which housed the table and chairs where my family sat entertaining themselves, the chatter ceased immediately.

As I approached the quiet group I quickly scanned the faces present. Leah I'd already met but the new faces belonged to my brother, Aaron, his wife whose name Matty had told me before but I'd forgotten, their 3-year-old daughter, Sarah, and an even newer face, a baby in his wife's arms.

"Aaron, hi, how have you been?" I called out to him.

I'd promised Matty I would try and that was what I intended to do.

"Is that really you?" Aaron asked with his shock clearly written on his face.

I smiled and prayed for acceptance.

"Hi there, I'm Jess" His wife perked up cheerfully but remained seated with the baby in her arms, "We haven't met"

"Yes, hi. I'm Ruth. It's nice to finally meet you" I replied stepping up to the table while holding Jackson's hand firmly. From my position, I'd noticed Leah roll her eyes but quickly ignored it.

"That one there is Sarah" Jess introduced her little daughter who sat in the corner playing with an iPad. "This one is David, our newest" she gestured to the baby.

"He's so cute" I responded with a smile, "And so well-behaved. Jackson here was such a loud baby, didn't get any sleep for months"

"Oh, I know what you mean. Sarah was the exact same way, and still is really. Thank God for the iPad or I wouldn't be able to cope" she replied giving me a knowing smile.

His wife was steering the conversation which was for the best because Aaron still looked stunned and remained staring at me. Leah just looked too sour to have any input.

"I take it Aaron named the children?" I asked Jess cheerfully, just happy to have someone here be kind to me, "I see they follow our weird family tradition of having bible names"

She laughed, "I kind of like it to be honest. As long as it isn't anything weird like Hezekiah"

"What's going on here?" I heard Aaron ask which effectively silenced the conversation.

For a moment, we were silent and I dreaded what Aaron would say. I dreaded Jackson hearing something cruel about me.

"Is it okay if Jackson plays with Sarah?" I asked Jess.

She looked at her husband briefly before nodding.

I turned to my son and smoothed his hair, "Honey?"

"Yes, mummy?"

"That girl over there is your cousin, go play with her, okay? Be good, okay?"

I reluctantly let go of his hand and watched him skip over to Sarah who until that point hadn't been paying us any mind. I wished Jackson would follow suit as I talked to my brother.

Turning to Aaron I asked, "Is there a problem?"

"What do you mean "is there a problem?", look at you" He retorted, "And who the hell is he?"

"Aaron, you're my brother and I love you but don't you dare speak about my son that way"

"Your son?" he asked in disbelief.

"Yes, my son!" I raised my voice.

"Mummy?" I heard Jackson call out and the scared look on his face broke my heart.

"It's okay, honey" I answered quickly in the softest voice I could manage, "Just play with your cousin"

"I'll take the kids somewhere else" Jess offered as she shuffled to her feet with the baby still in her arms.

I watched her as she made her way over to Jackson and Sarah and spoke softly, "Alright kids, who wants cake?"

That caught both their attention and they quickly shuffled in behind Jess. The silence prevailed until Jess and the kids were out of sight and eyeshot before I turned back to Aaron. I wasn't finished.

"You can say whatever you want about me, but leave my son out of it" I spoke quickly, "Leah, the same goes for you"

"You know, you've never had any respect" Leah replied, "That's always been your problem. Well one of them anyway"

"Respect?" I might have laughed a bit at her statement, "I have been nothing but respectful towards you all my life but you--"

"That is not the problem here, Caleb" Aaron interrupted me. "Bro, look at yourself"

"MY NAME IS RUTH!" I screamed. These two had a way of riling me up in a way nobody else could, "I'm not your brother. I don't even want to be your sister. I don't want to be anything to you."

"Then what are you doing here?" he asked.

I was asking myself the same thing.

"I'm here for Matty's funeral. Our brother. Remember him?" I asked.

"You know," Aaron sighed, "I was happy when I heard you'd come back. I thought maybe you'd finally come to your senses but seeing you now--" he laughed.

He laughed.

"-- getting that poor child to see you as its mother --"

I clenched my fist as I listened to the words from my brother's mouth.

"--you need serious help, man" he finished.

I stepped forward angrily and without thinking. I still don't know what I had intended to do.

"What's going on here?" I heard my mother shout. The same words exiting her lips had terrified me many times as a child and was always enough to send me cowering into submission but now, my angry gaze remained locked on Aaron with his cruel words.

"Sit down, all of you" I heard my mother say. Aaron and Leah both returned to their original chairs leaving me standing alone in disobedience with my fingers clenched.

"Sit down, Ruth" I heard the words clearly enough but couldn't believe them.

I turned to look at her and found no reason to believe she was making fun of me. My expression softened as I found a chair to sit in obediently.

I watched my mother roll my father in his wheelchair to the head of the table. God, he looked terribly. His entire posture seemed to have bent permanently to the left. The aftermath of his illness was truly brutal.

"Mum, you're not taking part in this madness now, are you?" Aaron asked turning to her.

"Where you go, I will go" My mother began reciting and I immediately knew where she was going with it. "and where you stay, I will stay"

"Your people will be my people and your God my God" I finished her sentence.

"Ruth 1:16," My mother said finally.

I knew the words because my mother had read them to me many times as a child before everything turned sour. Despite losing my faith a few years into discovering my identity, I'd chosen Ruth's name for myself because I admired her more than anyone else in the bible. In a way, my mother despite being thousands of miles away had had a hand in deciding my new name.

"I've begun to wonder whether all of this is my fault. Should I have read passages to you about the strong men of the Bible instead?" She asked. In her eyes, there was a glimpse of the woman who adored me more than anyone else so many years ago.

"Mum, this has nothing to do with that. I would have been a woman no matter what you read me" I explained. I wanted so much to walk up to her and hug her as I remembered all the nights she spent at my bedside.

She shook her head, "I'm so sorry. I took you to all my appointments, I took you to the hairdresser, I took you dress shopping. I confused you. This is all my fault"

"It's not, please don't say that" I begged, "It undermines everything I've gone through to get here."

"Then why?" The look in her eyes told me she was genuinely asking and I was ashamed to say I didn't have any clever medical answer to give.

"I was born this way," I answered, "I've been a woman from the start. I was always going to end up like this. Mum, believe me, there was nothing you could have done"

I looked at Aaron and Leah and both of them simply remained quiet listening to the exchange.

"I gave birth to a son. You're a man, like your father" she remained adamant.

My gaze briefly shifted to my father who looked to be staring mindlessly into space. I couldn't reconcile the broken man in front of me with the one I grew up with.

"You're not a woman," My mother continued, "You're not a mother, don't you see? You didn't carry that child for nine months in your belly and give birth to him. You didn't breastfeed him"

"Lots of women can't give birth" I argued, "Does that make them any less women? Lots of women try and fail all their lives, are they not women?"

I paused to give them the chance to answer but no one said anything because we all knew the truth. It was a universal truth that the ability to birth a child only mattered when it concerned women like me.

"And not that it matters at all but I breastfed Jackson" I added then let the silence fill the air.

Tom and I had tried formula but Jackson simply wouldn't feed. Even when he did, he reacted poorly to it. When our doctor suggested my breastfeeding him as an alternative, we only agreed after numerous back and forth regarding its safety.

"Oh my God" I heard those words leave my mother's lips and quickly realized my mistake. I had been too honest. I shouldn't have told them that last part. It was too much for my old-fashioned family to handle.

"What?" I asked even though I knew exactly what.

"You shouldn't do that" My mother made her position clear, "It is unnatural"

"Why? Why is that so wrong?" I challenged them. I had already let the cat out of the bag, there was no use shying away now, "I fed my baby when he was hungry. Why is that so bad? Why is any of this so bad? Tell me. What have I ever done that was so bad?"

"Caleb, it's not right" My mother argued.

I pulled the chair back and stood to my feet abruptly.

"My name is Ruth!"

I had thought things were improving, that maybe there was a chance I could get my mother to accept me for who I was but I'd quickly discovered how wrong I was.

I turned to exit the gazebo but found my son walking the path back to me alongside his cousin and her mother. Behind them was one of the house staff pushing a covered cart.

Jackson had a cup of ice cream in his hand and he flashed me a bright smile when he saw me watching his approach. I smiled back. Everything I'd been feeling washed right away leaving only the love I had for him.

My heart warmed as he sped up to meet me.

"Mummy, I like it here," he said excitedly before he shoveled a spoonful of ice cream into his mouth.

"I'm glad you like it, honey" I placed my hand gently on his back and guided him to an empty chair next to mine, "sit beside me, okay? Did you have fun with your cousin?"

He nodded.

"I hope we're not intruding," Jess said as she arrived, "I thought it would be better for the children to eat out here given the lovely weather"

"Thank you, Jess," I said to her, "Really"

"Of course" she replied, "He's very charming"

I sat back down as the conversations ended and allowed the staff to serve the children's food. For the adults, they had brought and opened a bottle of wine and brandy. I allowed the young woman who had brought the cart to fill a glass for me and made sure to thank her before she left.

For a time, the children ate and the adults drank in silence. I would occasionally catch them staring intently at Jackson especially one time when he began coughing and I rubbed his back.

I wasn't sure why they were suddenly taking an interest in him after disregarding his existence the whole day but I did my best to ignore it.

A bit of excitement occurred when my father who had been inanimate for most of the conversation began gesturing towards the bottle of brandy.

To my surprise, Aaron got to his feet, poured some of the drink into a cup, and placed it in my father's grasp. My father grunted his approval as Aaron retreated to his seat.

"What are you doing?" I asked in disbelief.

Aaron looked at me as though I was the crazy one.

"He shouldn't be drinking in his condition" I explained.

"It's fine" Aaron dismissed me.

I knew I should have picked my battles better. If my mother wasn't even saying anything, what right did I have to object?

"It's not fine, he's not well" I sat up in my chair.

I noticed Jackson had stopped eating and was watching and listening to me so I quickly urged him to continue, "Eat your food, honey"

"He's not sick because of alcohol, can you just listen for once in your life?" Leah chimed in.

"And so? His body is weak, the alcohol could cause other issues"

"Since when did you become a doctor, anyway?" she retorted.

My mother shook her head, my father paid us no mind, and shakily brought the glass to his lips. I was fighting a losing battle and I knew it so I decided to let it go.

I sat back in my chair and looked away but Leah was never known to be so gracious.

"I'm the one that looked after Dad while you were off mutilating your body" she attacked me, "Don't pretend you care now. I'm the one that stayed home while everyone went off doing their own thing"

It was uncalled for. Not just saying those words without any warning but saying them in front of Jackson who looked visibly distressed. I just couldn't stand her anymore. I'd had enough.

"Oh please, you only came back home because your husband divorced you," I told her.

Maybe it was petty to stoop down to her level. Maybe I should have been the bigger person and let her comments go. Maybe I shouldn't have enjoyed the defeated look on her face as she got up and left the gazebo.

"Leah!" My mother called out to her after shooting me an exasperated look. Mum called out to her one more time before she was out of sight.

"I can't believe you" My mother turned back to me. I had nothing more to say so I simply crossed my arms and looked away once again.

Thankfully I was saved by my mother's phone ringing before she could say any more to me. She took one look at the caller ID and her eyes brightened.

I watched my mother be several times more animated than she had been since I came home. It was a short but seemingly sweet conversation with someone on the phone.

When she finished, she excitedly informed us that it was my sister, Rebecca, and that she was about to board her flight and that we'd see her soon.

I might have been jealous over the joy she was able to bring my mother with only a phone call but I was much too excited about her arrival to care.

=^..^=

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Hiya, thanks for reading. What do you think about it so far? The good, the bad, and the ugly.

Sometime later, one of the staff arrived with the news that our dinner was ready, and that signaled an end to our time out in the garden, and not a moment too soon.

Aaron wheeled my father back indoors followed closely by the rest of the family.

"Jess?" I called out to her as we approached the house's entrance.

"Yes?"

"I hate to bother you again but could you help me watch Jackson?" I asked, "I need to make a call"

"Oh sure thing" she answered, "Come on, sweetie," she said after turning to him with a smile.

He'd been quiet since finishing his meal, too quiet. I was worried about him and knew I'd have to talk to him when we were alone. But now, there was only one person I desperately needed to talk to.

"It's okay, go with her" I urged him along even though he looked reluctant to leave my side. "I'll be with you soon, okay?"

Slowly, he parted from me and walked up to meet Jess who gave me one last reassuring smile.

When I was alone, I took several steps away from the house and made sure I was out of earshot before dialing his number. The phone dialed twice before there was a click.

"Hey baby" I heard his deep voice over the phone and immediately felt weak, "Sorry I haven't called, I've been putting things in order before taking my leave from work"

"It's okay," I said weakly.

"How's the family?" he asked.

We'd talked for a bit that morning just after I landed but hadn't had the chance to talk since arriving at the house.

"They're fine" I answered while pacing around.

"That's good, that's good" he replied simply. I could tell he was busy or at least very distracted and didn't have to wait long to get confirmation of that.

"Hey uh," he continued, "I still have some things to wrap up so maybe I can call you later tonight? I haven't even packed yet" he laughed.

I forced a laugh as well although it sounded awkward even to my ear.

"You know me, I'm useless about that sort of thing" he added.

"Yeah," I sighed.

"What's wrong, baby?" he asked me. It may have only been a simple question but something about his voice and his tone was enough to put a crack in the dam I'd built up to keep my emotions in check.

I sniffed and the next thing I knew, tears were rolling down my cheek.

"I'm fine," I said through the tears fooling no one.

"Baby," he said again. His voice only made me cry harder. "Tell me what's going on?"

"I'm sorry, I know you're busy. We can talk later" I wiped some of the tears with my free hand.

"Stop, stop, just tell me what's going on? Why are you crying?"

"It's just--" My voice trailed away, "It's just--"

"Ruth, what is it?" he asked softly.

"They hate me" I answered and the tears flowed freer.

"What did they say?" he asked. Even over the phone, I could hear the anger in his voice. "Where's Jackson?"

"He's fine," I shook my head even though he couldn't see me, "I would never let anything happen to him" I voiced eagerly.

"Baby, I know, that's not--" He paused, "I'm going to try to find a flight leaving this evening, let me call you back"

"No, don't, I don't even want you to come here anymore" I quickly stopped him, "I'll just come back home. I'm sorry I made you waste your vacation days"

"What about the funeral?" He asked.

I shrugged, "Matty didn't care about the funeral. He wanted me to give my family a second chance and I've done that"

"Okay" Tom replied and that was that.

I was leaving. I'd given it a decent shot and it hadn't worked out. I could go once and for all with a clean conscience.

'Matty, are you watching? I tried' I thought to myself.

"Baby, how about this?" Tom continued, "I could come meet you there and we could fly somewhere else together. I have all these vacation days saved up, we might as well use it"

I perked up. The idea of Tom, Jackson and I going somewhere as a family sounded perfect and was a much-needed stress relief.

"That sounds nice," I informed him, "Where were you thinking?"

"Italy?" he asked.

I shook my head again, "I'm thinking somewhere a bit more tropical"

"We'll figure it out, don't worry" he assured me.

I smiled. It sounded nice and was just what I needed, somewhere I could relax and let loose and not worry about being judged.

"I can't wait," I told him.

"Me neither"

"I can't wait till you get here. I miss you so much"

"I miss you too, baby"

"It's just two days" I did my best to psych myself up, "I can do this"

"You could always just go to a hotel" Tom reasoned, "You don't have to stay there"

"Yeah I guess I could"

Jackson and I could leave tonight and never come back. I had been looking forward to seeing Rebecca again but I was sure she'd understand. Someday I'd make it up to her.

And considering everything, leaving was probably for the best. Matty would have an even more beautiful funeral without me there souring the mood for everyone. It was decided.

"I'll go pack," I said finally.

=^..^=

I walked back into my parent's house fully intending to make my way towards the dining room where I expected to find them but I was quickly drawn off-course by the sound of the children's laughter coming from the living room.

I followed the sound until I found them huddled together on the couch giggling at what must have been a very entertaining cartoon playing on the television.

Jess had passed on the task of watching them to one of the house helps who stood quietly in the corner ensuring they didn't get up to anything too mischievous.

It hurt a bit to drive a wedge between his relationship with his cousin with whom he'd become fast friends but it needed to be done.

I quietly stepped away and continued my journey towards the dining room. As I arrived, I found my parents sitting at the table with my brother, sister, and Jess preparing to be served dinner.

"Good, you're here" my mother called out to me, "You haven't eaten anything since you arrived, have you? Take a seat"

I took a step forward and cleared my throat before speaking, "Thanks, but actually, I'm leaving"

Leah rolled her eyes but didn't say anything.

"You're leaving?" my mother asked.

"I figure I'll go stay in a hotel tonight" I answered.

"And why would you do that?" My mother returned.

"Mum, let him leave if he wants" My brother chimed in.

"Aaron, stop" My mother quickly rebuked him, "Just sit down first and let's talk" she added turning back to me.

I remained standing in defiance. I had already made up my mind, I was just informing them as a courtesy.

"I just don't feel like I'm welcome here" I explained with my gaze locked on Aaron as I said the words, "The last thing I want to do is make anyone uncomfortable. Everyone is here for Matty's funeral and I don't want my presence to sour things, that's all"

"Umm-- Ruth--" my mother managed to force the word out, "We talked about it and we'll all try our best to be more understanding about your choices"

I sighed and looked away, under my breath, I said, "It's not a choice"

"Can you speak up?"

I could tell she was trying even though she was repeatedly getting it wrong and I was tired of arguing so I just said, "Nevermind"

"Will you sit down and eat with us?" My mother asked.

"Just let him go, Jesus Christ, mum!" Leah raised her voice, "Always the victim, aren't you? Well run away like you always do and this time, maybe don't come back".

I shook my head, I was tired. It had been enough, too much.

"I'll go pack" I announced, "Goodbye Mum and Dad," I said as I turned around.

"You're leaving now? Tonight?" My mother called out to me. "Your sister is on her way here and you're leaving without even seeing her? Are you even going to attend your brother's funeral? Why are you being so selfish? I didn't raise you like this"

"Selfish?" I turned around sharply and glared at her, "Selfish? You haven't said a single word to my son, your grandson, since we arrived. You've treated me like shit this whole time but I'm the selfish one?"

"I have not" my mother detested the statement, "I've only ever made it clear that I think you're making a mistake but despite that, I've always loved you and I still do. I just hate to see you throw your life away like this"

I felt like I was going crazy. Over and over again, we kept going around in circles and no matter what I said, she remained just as resolute in her stance. I imagined she thought the very same about me.

I hadn't come there to argue. I just wanted to say goodbye, but there we were, arguing again like we always did.

"Mum, I'm not throwing anything away" I replied letting my frustration show, "My life is great. I have an amazing husband who loves me and the most wonderful son anyone has ever had. Why can't you see that I have everything you could ever want for your child?"

My mother sat back in her chair and said no more. The silence that reigned over the entire dining room told me that the entire household must have heard our family business. I imagined I'd be a topic of conversation among the help tonight.

"At least stay the night," My mother said finally, "See your sister when she gets here. Lord knows she's been looking forward to it." My mother smiled.

There it was again. Just the mere thought of her was able to bring a smile to my mother's face. I was jealous.

"She brings you up every chance she gets" She continued, "We're having the party to celebrate Matthew's life tomorrow. You can leave after. I'll have one of the drivers take you wherever you want to go"

"Okay," I said simply. I just wanted out of the conversation at that point. I could handle one more party.

"Now please take a seat" she finished, "Let's have a nice dinner like a family"

=^..^=

I thoroughly ran a towel through Jackson's hair after his bath later that evening.

"There. Squeaky clean" I pinched his cheeks as soon as he was dry enough which caused him to giggle, "Go put on your underwear"

Jackson quickly ran over to the bed where I'd laid out his bedtime clothes.

"Do you need help with your pajamas?" I asked just as he finished with the underwear.

Jackson shook his head energetically. He'd grown very independent very quickly and many times, he'd even insisted he could bathe himself but I wasn't going to risk that. At least not for a couple more years.

He had the best traits of both Tom and Ashley. He was extremely intelligent and so very kind. I sometimes wondered whether Ashley would think I was doing okay raising him. Her parents didn't at first and had been openly opposed to my relationship with Tom and proximity to Jackson but thankfully, they'd come around some time ago.

Not that they had any say whatsoever. Tom was a perfectly capable parent so their initial threats to take Jackson away never held any water. That said, I'd always preferred to be Jackson's mother with Ashley's parents' support than without.

When he was finished, I retrieved his hairbrush and sat on the bed beside him.

"You know what time it is" I sang the words while waving the hairbrush.

Jackson groaned before moving to sit between my lap. I ran my free hand through his hair to feel for any tangles before I began with the brush.

"Mummy?" I heard his voice after a few passes with the hair brush.

"Yes, honey?" I replied.

"Are you sad?"

The question was enough to make me pause. It had been that sort of day but I'd been hoping he would have been oblivious to everything that happened. I wanted him to have no worries whatsoever, least of all for him to worry about me. I wanted him to be a kid for as long as he could be before he faced reality.

"I'm fine, baby" I resumed brushing his hair, "I just miss Daddy, that's all"

"Me too," He said and I could instantly hear the sadness in his voice.

"Would you like to talk to him?"

He turned around and showed me the brightest smile followed by a big nod.

"Go get my phone" I smiled back at him.

He quickly ran across the room and retrieved my phone from atop the table. I gently pinched his cheek before taking the phone and starting a video call with his father.

"There's my girl" That was the first thing he said as soon as he answered and saw me staring back through the camera.

After all this time, he still knew just the right things to say to get the butterflies in my tummy riled up.

"Hi," I said through my smile.

"Daddy!" Jackson shouted as he reached for the phone.

"Someone's eager to talk to you" I laughed.

"Big man!" Tom called out as Jackson appeared in front of the camera.

I just sat back and did my best to not get too emotional as Jackson told my husband about the day he'd had.

Jackson told him about his cousin and the ice cream he'd eaten and Tom reacted in that same goofy, exaggerated manner he always did.

I couldn't believe that those two were in my life. Sometimes it was hard to shake the feeling that I didn't deserve them. I could be paying back the debt to Ashley over many lifetimes and I still would never be able to entirely pay it off.

Those two went on with their conversation for so long that I had to step in. If I knew Tom, he still wouldn't have finished packing and I didn't want Jackson to keep him too long.

"Okay honey, let's allow Daddy to get back to work okay?" I stepped in.

"Okay," Jackson pouted.

"Be good okay, buddy?" Tom called out just before I retrieved the phone from my son, "Look after Mummy until I get there"

"You know how he gets on" I chastised Tom, "Don't let him keep you if you're busy"

"Look at that cute face, how can I stop him?" Tom asked with a smile.

"Yeah, just make me the bad guy"

He laughed. I paused for a bit before continuing, "We miss you"

"Likewise" he replied simply.

"I should put him to bed"

"Is that the hotel?" he asked.

I shook my head, "We'll go tomorrow"

"Okay" That was all he had to say on the matter and that was all I was willing to. I didn't want to bring up everything that had happened especially in front of Jackson.

"I love you," Tom said finally.

"I love you too".

I hung up the phone and just sat there biting my fingernails and blushing like an idiot.

It had been way too many weeks and my body yearned for his. I yearned for the way his strong arms would wrap around me and his smell as he would hug me tightly. I wanted nothing more than the taste of his lips and the feel of his beard.

The sound of the bathroom door opening and closing as Jackson disappeared through it broke me from my trance.

"Young man, bed now!" I called out to him.

"I wanna pee"

"Do you need help?"

"I'm okay" he called back.

"Don't fall in" I laughed.

"Okay," His adorable voice never failed to bring a smile to my face.

A few moments later, he was exiting the bathroom with a proud smile proving that he didn't need my help.

"I did it," he said as he climbed into bed.

"Good boy" I flashed him my own proud smile. While it was amazing that he was growing up and needed my help less and less, it was still a bit sad that he was no longer my little baby who cried for me at every tiny inconvenience.

I tucked him beneath the covers and kissed his forehead, "Good night, baby. I'll join you soon, okay?"

"Okay. Good night, Mummy"

With that, I stepped away, turned off the lights, and went down to join the rest of my family in waiting for Rebecca to come home.

The car my mother had sent for her had already picked her up so her arrival would be any moment now.

As I joined them in the living room, I could only pray for an end to the arguing, at least for tonight.

=^..^=

If you had taken a picture of my family sitting in the living room that night with somber expressions as we waited for Rebecca versus the expressions on everyone's faces as she came screaming through the front door, you'd have had proof of just how much of a firework my sister actually was.

She squealed the entire way from the front door and into our midst then tossed her bag on a nearby couch. From the looks of it, I could tell it had to have been insanely expensive.

That was one of the ways Rebecca and I differed among our many similarities. My sister was not shy about spending money, whether it be hers or our father's.

"Mama!" She made a beeline and enveloped my mother in a hug while she still sat. My mother beamed with such joy.

"Welcome home, dear" My mother hugged her tightly and I wondered what that felt like.

"Daddy!" Rebecca screamed as she separated from our mother and made her way to our father sitting in his favourite chair.

She playfully raised her hand to him for a high five and then burst out laughing, "Sorry" she added as she went in for a hug.

"How are you, Princess?" My father forced the words out.

"Oh my God, so good. When I tell you--" she paused, "Later Daddy. I have gossip" She winked at him and I didn't even know that was a possible dynamic to have with my father of all people.

She turned to my brother and made a funny face, "A-Aaron"

"You play too much" he replied while trying and failing to suppress a smile.

"I know" she laughed, "Big sis, you are positively glowing. What is the skincare routine? The blood of innocents?"

Leah shook her head and shot Rebecca a glare.

Without warning, Rebecca ran across the room and threw herself in the chair beside me. She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tightly.

"Ruthie," She said in a sing-song voice, "Look at you!"

She leaned forward and began repeatedly kissing my forehead which made me squirm.

"Stop it" I groaned and for a second, I was the same person I was at ten being annoyed by her sister who laughed at her discomfort.

"Y'all, why is everyone so gloomy?" She asked the group, "Literally who died?"

"Rebecca!" My mother called her name in disbelief.

"Oh come on, Matty would have found that funny. You all are boring. Where's Jess? At least she has a sense of humor"

"Upstairs with the kids"

Rebecca frowned and said out loud, "Jess, save me from my boring family!"

"You're being very loud" Leah informed her.

"Oh my God, Tom and Jackson! Are they here?" Rebecca ignored her.

"Jackson's asleep upstairs" I answered, "Tom isn't here yet. His flight is tomorrow"

"He's asleep?" Rebecca complained, "Ugh I can't wait till tomorrow to see my man. Can I just take a peek? I'll be quiet" She put on an exaggerated pleading smile.

"Your-- husband is coming here?" I heard Aaron ask.

"Is that a problem?" I turned to him.

"Of course, it's not a problem" Rebecca interjected, "I can't wait to meet him"

"He's--" My mother began but quickly paused, "She's planning on leaving tomorrow. Tried to leave tonight even"

"Ruthie?" Rebecca asked confused, "No, that's ridiculous, SHE just got here" she stressed the words.

"I really am leaving tomorrow," I told Rebecca.

"Shh shh" My little sister shushed me and laughed away the idea, "No you're not. We have literally so much to do. Like so so much I don't think we're going to get it all done by the funeral"

"Rebecca--" I began but she quickly cut me off.

"Speaking of the funeral, I have this dress that I think would be so perfect for you to wear" She interrupted, "We might have to get it altered because you're a bit bustier than me which is super unfair if you ask me but whatever"

She laughed and she smiled and she was so animated.

She was what I imagined a truly happy person to be. I wondered if I might have grown up to be so charming if I'd been born a girl like she was.

Maybe if I didn't have to go through everything I did, I might have been more like her.

"Oh by the way, what are you wearing for the celebration tomorrow? We absolutely need to turn up" She smiled at me, "Leah, you too. You better not dress like a grandma"

"I-- never dress like a grandma" Leah protested.

"Right," Rebecca replied sarcastically. "Anyway, I desperately need a shower so I'm gonna go up. Who has my room key?" She turned to my mother.

"It's open, dear"

"I better not see a single one of my figures out of place. Anyway, see y'all in a bit" she called out after retrieving her handbag, "Oh my God guys, let's play a drinking game" she added as she made her way up the stairs.

I was so jealous of her.

=^..^=

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Another chapter down, how we liking it so far? Anything to improve? Anyway, thanks for reading as always. Leave a comment.

It was around 8 am the next morning that I ferried Jackson downstairs in search of breakfast. He'd already been up for thirty minutes at that point but I'd been up thirty minutes prior trying to decide what he and I were going to wear for the celebration.

Deciding on Jackson's outfit had been simple enough. I'd chosen a button-down shirt and khakis, a timeless choice for any event. Dressing a young boy was easy, if a bit boring.

A bit more difficult though was choosing an outfit for myself.

My mother had made it clear last night that this wasn't a wake and was intended as more of a lighthearted event so we didn't have to wear black or grey or any other gloomy colors we might have had in mind.

I'd initially considered wearing dress pants to keep up with the theme of not overwhelming my family but decided against it. If I wanted them to see me as a woman, I had to show them the unapologetic woman I could be.

I wanted to make it utterly ridiculous for my mother to speak of me as her son. The goal was to make my mother look crazy for misgendering me but also not bring any undue attention to myself. The day was for Matty and certainly didn't need any unnecessary uproar.

In the end, I settled for a light blue mid-length dress that I'd only ever worn once before. We wouldn't be getting dressed until later in the day though so Jackson and I came down in our pajamas, although I donned a silk robe for added modesty.

As we made our way towards the kitchen, we passed by the dining room where I found Jess breastfeeding her baby with Sarah eating cereal across from her. Our eyes met just as I had begun to turn away.

"Sorry," I apologized while still looking away, "I didn't think anyone would be here"

"Good morning" Jackson greeted Aunt Jess like I'd always taught him to do with any familiar adult.

"Good morning, sweetie" I heard her reply. "And please, it's okay," she  said turning her attention back to me "It's nothing you haven't done before"

I turned back to face her although I was a bit confused by her statement.

"Aaron told me" she revealed.

"Right," I replied awkwardly. It was not something I'd ever talked about before. Tom and I thought it was better kept between us and I really shouldn't have said anything but I had been too focused on defending my status as Jackson's mother that I'd wrongly let it slip.

"He was not happy about it" she laughed and I just shifted uncomfortably, "Sorry about him by the way, he's not taking it very well, is he?"

"Yeah," I replied simply.

I was holding Jackson's hand and the very last thing I wanted to do was talk about my identity with him there.

"I tried to talk to him about his behavior but you know how he is" She continued after adjusting the baby in her arms.

"Jackson's hungry so I was just taking him to the kitchen to get breakfast" I tried changing the subject.

"Oh, you don't have to go all the way there" she answered, "Just press the button" She gestured to the familiar button on the wall that did well to blend in with the overall decor of the room.

"You don't find it weird?" I asked, "Bells all over the house because we're too lazy to go ask them for help, or God forbid get anything done ourselves"

"Not at all" she answered, "The way I see it, parts of the house are their space. If I was the help, I wouldn't want you coming into my space forcing me to act all prim and proper all the time"

"I guess" I acquiesced, "Go take a seat, honey," I said to Jackson before walking over and pressing the button as she'd suggested.

Jackson picked a chair and sat obediently in it and shortly after, I took the one beside him.

"Such a healthy, young man" Jess commented while looking closely at Jackson, "Is it really safe? No side effects? I didn't even know it was possible,-- you feeding him"

"No offense, but can we not talk about this right now?" I replied quickly.

"No of course, sorry" She replied then quietly returned to her task at hand which made me feel bad. She meant well and I really shouldn't have been throwing her goodwill and curiosity back in her face.

Those were the same questions I wished my family would ask before immediately assuming I was some kind of monster.

A short while later, a girl walked into the dining room wearing the usual black and white attire they all wore.

"Yes, hi," I turned to her thankful for the opportunity to escape that conversation, "Can we get breakfast?"

"Of course," she replied smartly, "What would you like?"

I let Jackson pick as a reward for being so quiet and well-behaved but I should have known better because he immediately opted for cake.

Jess and I looked at each other and laughed before I informed the help that toast and eggs would do just fine.

I handed my phone to Jackson to keep him busy while he waited and set out to apologize to Jess for snapping at her.

"Sorry about how I reacted earlier," I began, "It's a sensitive topic for me"

"I understand" Jess looked up from the baby. Little Andrew's feeding had been slowing down for some time and he'd begun to lose interest so Jess carried him upright and redressed herself, "I shouldn't have asked"

"No, it's fine, it's just--" I paused and prepared myself to open up, "It's not something I talk about"

She didn't respond. I thought she might have been reluctant given how I'd reacted earlier.

"It's perfectly safe" I finally answered her question, "at least according to my doctor"

"He does look healthy" she offered.

"He really is," I agreed, "rarely gets sick"

Jess rocked the baby in her arms as he began to fall asleep.

"I hope it isn't inappropriate to say but I find you very fascinating," Jess said in a quiet tone.

It was a bit odd but I'd been called worse. A lot worse.

"I hear about it online and always thought I'd be able to tell but I mean--" she stared at me with an astonished expression which caused me to chuckle uncomfortably.

To my great relief, Rebecca came to my rescue stumbling through the door that led into the dining room.

"What are we talking about?" she asked leaning on the wall for support.

"We missed you last night," I commented turning to her. Rebecca had gone up those steps and never returned.

"Look who it is!" She squealed and then held her head in pain, "Ow"

"Are you okay?" I asked worried.

"Look who it is" she whispered as she walked up to where Jackson sat and hugged him tightly. I wasn't even sure he recognized her since he'd only ever seen her in video calls.

"Hello," he said nonetheless in the cutest little voice.

"You're so cute!" she held his shoulder and squealed again before wincing.

"Are you okay?" I repeated with a worried expression.

"Hi Sarah" she waved to the little girl who was engulfed in something on her iPad.

"Hi Becky" Sarah replied without looking up from her screen.

"Sarah! She's 'Aunt Rebecca'" Her mother corrected her.

"Oh God no, that makes me sound so old" Rebecca protested as she made her way to the button, "Becky is so much better"

"You know your mother doesn't like you taking the Lord's name in vain" Jess reminded.

"Ugh, she's so extra" Rebecca rolled her eyes as she pressed the button, two seconds later, she pressed it twice more and then once more for good measure before she walked to find a seat at the table, "Ruthie, I'm so glad you're here to help me handle Mum"

"If you keep ignoring me, I'm just going to keep asking" I informed her.

"Oh my God--" she paused the looked to Jess with a sheepish expression, "Oh my gosh, you worry as much as Mum, I'm fine"

I raised my hand in submission. I wasn't going to press her, certainly not that early in the morning.

Eventually, Jackson and I got our breakfast at which point Rebecca asked for coffee. With the eventful day I would have, I wished I would have followed Rebecca's lead.

=^..^=

I had thought I'd made my peace with Matty's death but when Jackson and I came back downstairs later that afternoon to find his celebration beginning, I was faced with some unresolved feelings.

I'd been nervous about allowing my family to see me in a dress but all of that washed right away as soon as I found pictures of my brother littered around the house surrounded by wreathes of flowers.

"Mummy, are you okay?" Jackson innocently asked.

I'd begun to nod but eventually decided to be honest with him, "Mummy is just a little sad about Uncle Matty"

"Uncle Matty is very nice" He commented which caused me to smile.

I leaned towards him and moved a stray hair away from his face, "Yes, he was, wasn't he?"

The two had met on two separate occasions. Once at my wedding when Jackson was only a baby and another time when he was just over a year old. Jackson wouldn't have remembered either encounter but they'd spoken over the phone a few times and he received many presents from his uncle.

"When is he coming back?" I heard Jackson ask and did my best to keep my emotions in check.

"He’s not coming back" I answered with sadness filling my voice, "When someone dies, it means their body stops working and they don't come back to us." I explained carefully, "It’s very sad, and we miss them a lot."

It had always been my intention to protect Jackson from the harsh truths of life until he was a bit older but in times such as these, it felt important to be honest with him.

"Will I die?" He asked rather ominously.

I smiled nonetheless, "Not for a very very very long time" I answered, patting his head gently.

=^..^=

We followed the directions given by the house staff until we found a tent that had been set up in an open clearing near the lake, where the celebration was being held. I'd received a few looks from straggling guests on our way there and even more as I walked into the tent, holding Jackson's hand.

Several of those looks were from my own family.

I admired the decorations as we approached one of the tables where my family was seated together.

There was a center stage where Rebecca stood using her powers for good, giving a beautiful opening speech. She looked very beautiful in her elaborate pink gown that certainly put mine to shame.

Dotted around the large tent were several round tables where guests sat in groups. In total, there were over 50 people in attendance, very few of whom I recognized.

I did recognize an old girlfriend of his and a former family friend of ours to whom I waved after our eyes met. She waved back shyly.

I helped Jackson into a chair and took an empty one beside him, leaving just one more for Rebecca to return to.

It was nice of my family to accept me as one of them and not hide me away at one of the rear tables like I'd half expected them to.

This however drew the attention of several guests as they either wondered who I was or worse, pieced together my identity.

"Thank you so much for coming," Rebecca began to wrap up with a bright smile, "I know my brother would have loved to see so many of you here. Before we all get up on stage and start talking about him, which I know he would have absolutely hated--" She laughed and so did most of the crowd, "Let's hear a few words from him first"

Shortly after, Rebecca returned to her seat and beamed a smile in my direction. The screen behind the stage that had been showing a slideshow of moments from Matty's life changed to a video and I saw my brother again. Weak and sickly but there he was, my beloved brother. I covered my mouth with my hand and stared wide-eyed at the screen.

"If you are watching this, it's too late" A voice much deeper than his own came through the speakers.

"Be serious" I heard and immediately recognized the woman's voice. It was Carly, the old girlfriend I'd waved to earlier.

I hadn't known she'd been with him so close to the end. All the times we'd talked while he was in the hospital, he'd never once mentioned her, and I began to wonder whether I'd paid enough attention to him or whether I'd just been worried about my own problems while he went through what must have been a truly harrowing ordeal.

Up till the end, he'd only ever asked how things were going for me. I felt terrible.

"Okay, okay--" Matty composed himself, "Fuck, I'm really bad at this," he said under his breath.

"Just you know, be yourself," Carly said from behind the camera. I looked over to her and she seemed to be holding back tears.

"That is terrible advice" Matty replied, "You suck"

Both versions of Carly laughed and I felt terribly for her. She seemed to miss him just as much as we did.

It was lovely to see smiling and having a good time even in that moment. It warmed my heart to know he wasn't lonely at the end.

"Ok, I got this" Matty focused and looked straight into the camera, "I guess I just want to thank everyone for your kind words. Even if I lost this fight, I was happy to try with you all behind me."

"Mum and Dad--" he continued, "I don't want you to be sad. I lived an amazing life thanks to you. You're the best parents anyone could have asked for"

"Aaron, I would ask you to take care of everyone but you were going to do that anyway. You're reliable like that. You have such a beautiful family and I'm very proud--" Matty coughed and what came out was the most gut-wrenching sound.

Every second of that video broke my heart a little bit more.

"Water?" Carly's voice came through again and Matty nodded. The camera followed her as she walked around offering us a view of his hospital room, so dreary and gloomy and what must have been hell for a very adventurous person.

Hiking, sky-diving, sledding, someone who had done all of that shouldn't have been stuck in a boring hospital room.

Matty graciously accepted the water and drank before continuing.

"Right, I'm so--" he paused and cleared his throat multiple times, "I'm so very proud of you, big bro"

He took a deep breath and gathered himself before continuing.

"Mummy" Jackson tugged at my arm, trying to get my attention.

"Shh, baby" I quickly quieted him.

"-- probably feeling this more than anyone else," I heard after turning my attention back to Matty's video, "Leah, you're the most caring person I know and that's saying something. I sincerely hope you don't mourn me for too long. I just want you to be happy"

I looked at my sister and found someone devastated. While I couldn't reconcile the people Matty was describing with those sitting in front of me, I could see that we were all going through the same situation and dealing with the same pain and I guess Matty had hoped that shared pain would bring us closer.

"Ruth," I heard my name through the speakers and felt my heart skip a beat, "I know you don't need me to tell you this but you're very brave and I've always admired you for that. I hope more than anything that you're sitting there with everyone else, reunited and happy"

He paused which gave me time to take in his words. I missed him.

"And Becca," he moved on to our little sister, "You know, I don't really have anything nice to say about you" he laughed, "I've been thinking for a while now and I've got nothing"

"Asshole" I heard Rebecca say softly with a smile.

"For real though, I love you, I love you all so much" he finished and shifted his gaze from the camera back to the person holding it, "Is that good?"

"Yeah," Carly answered.

"Can you do me a favor?"

"Yeah sure"

"Don't show it to them until after I'm gone, okay?"

"Yeah, of course"

Matty smiled one last time and the video froze. I just kept staring at his face, daring not to look away. I stared at his smile until the screen switched back to the slideshow and I took my first breath in some time.

My mother passed me a handkerchief and I realized I'd been crying. As I took it from her, I noticed that there was no judgment in her eyes. She simply let me mourn my brother without a word.

They had been with him during his final days and had long since dealt with their grief. I thought I had but I was wrong.

I was glad my mother hadn't let me leave the previous night.

Rebecca returned to the stage and announced that the floor would be open for anyone who wanted to say a few words about him. It was in those sessions that I began to realize just how much I'd missed about his life.

I wondered whether running away to a faraway country had been the right move after all. It did give me Tom and Jackson so it had to have been.

"Mummy" My son tugged at my dress once again.

"What, baby?" I turned my attention to him.

"I wanna pee" he whispered.

"You wanna pee?"

He nodded.

"OK baby"

I made a quick apology to the group before leading Jackson out of his seat. I tried as much as possible to avoid disrupting the young man who was on stage, talking about his experiences with Jackson but we were drawing too many stares.

Still, I did my best to ignore it and led Jackson out of the tent.

=^..^=

Quickly, I led him back towards the house and ushered him into the nearest restroom. While Jackson was gone, I took that time to pick up the numerous pieces that seeing Matty again had broken off.

I leaned against the wall, put my face in my hand, and just breathed in and out.

Unfortunately, my time alone was interrupted by approaching footsteps and a now familiar voice.

"Ruth, hi" I quickly opened my eyes and found the owner, Carly.

"Oh hi," I replied forcing myself to smile once more.

"I don't know if you remember me--"

"Of course I do, long time no see, Carly" I went in and hugged her.

"How have you been?" she asked.

"You know," I replied as I stepped away, "as well as can be expected"

"Yeah"

"How are you?" I returned.

"Okay," she replied. I could see the sadness in her eyes.

I didn't know what to say to her or how, so I said nothing at all.

"You look great" she offered.

"Thanks" I replied awkwardly. The last time we'd seen each other, I'd been a boy, and it felt like a lifetime ago, "You do too" I added.

"Matty talked about you a lot," she said with her gaze falling to the floor.

"Did he?" I shifted nervously.

"He was very proud of you" She answered.

"I wish I'd been here" The words slipped past my lips before I had a chance to stop them.

"Umm, he made another video" Carly ignored what I'd said. Without waiting she shoved a hand into her purse and pulled out a USB drive, "Just for you, I think"

I took it when she handed it to me but stared at it with an utterly confused expression, "For me? Did he say anything else?

We heard the toilet flush and Carly seemed to take that as the signal to end our conversation.

"It was nice to see you again," Carly said as she stepped away, "You do look very beautiful"

Before I could say any more, she'd stepped back out through the door and out of sight.

Jackson emerged a moment later with a pleased expression on his face.

"Did you wash your hands?" I asked him.

"Mmh" he nodded back to me.

"Come on baby, let's go back"

=^..^=
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Thanks for reading. Would love to hear your thoughts :)

I tested the microphone by tapping it lightly and feedback rang throughout the tent.
 
"Sorry," I said quietly with an awkward smile then repeated it through the microphone loud enough for everyone to hear.
 
I'd raised my hand to say a few words about Matty because I'd felt like I needed to but up until I got on that stage, I had absolutely no clue what I wanted to say.
 
"Some of you know me, some don't" I began and watched the guests go silent offering me their full attention, "I'm Matty's sister, Ruth"
 
"There's not much else to say about what an amazing person my brother was. Listening to your stories about him has really warmed my heart to know that he was loved as much as he loved"
 
I briefly scanned the crowd and eventually settled on my family's worried faces, no doubt concerned about what I might say in front of so many people.
 
My gaze shifted to my son who had the biggest smile as he watched me.
 
"And that is saying something because Matty loved so much" My voice cracked as memories with him began flooding in, "He loved us so much. I remember what it was like when we were younger, Rebecca will remember this too--"
 
I looked at her and smiled and she smiled back.
 
"Whenever Matty was on break from Boarding School, he'd come back and he'd spend the entire time with us" I regaled the guests, "I remember how he'd dress up like a rock star and put on a concert for us" I laughed.
 
"I'm not sure if you all know this but my brother played a mean guitar--" my voice grew softer as the memories played in my head. I could almost hear the excellent strumming of the guitar mixed with his subpar vocals.
 
"What kind of 17-year-old wants to spend his break hanging out with his dumb little sisters?" I asked and teared up a bit.
 
"But Matty was just like that" I explained, "He always just did the best thing for everyone which is why I still can't believe he's-- It's so--" I let my hand holding the microphone drop to my side, closed my eyes and tried not to cry in front of everyone.
 
"I'm sorry," I said through the tears that I'd failed to stop from rolling down my cheeks. "Thank you all for coming. I know he would have loved to see all of you here"
 
I gently placed the microphone down and quickly made my way off the stage and out of the tent.

=^..^=
 
I walked and walked until I found myself at the pier next to Dad's old boat. As a kid, he'd always warned us away from his prized possession but here it was, rotting away from years of negligence.
 
The water was calm like it usually was here and reflected the early evening sun brilliantly. As my dress blew softly in the wind, I noted what a picturesque day it was. It was as though the world knew to be perfect on a day like today. Perfect, just like my brother was.
 
"Why can't you be more like your brother?!" The memory of my mother yelling at me all those years ago invaded my mind.
 
Matty's perfection had always made me seem worse by comparison and there had been times I'd detested him for it.
 
This particular moment was several months after my parents found out I'd been transitioning in secret. I'd walked into my room that evening to find my mother standing there looking very upset. My room was a mess and on the bed were the clothes I'd kept hidden deep in my wardrobe. There were skirts, blouses, and more of the like.
 
"Why do you keep doing this?" she'd asked.
 
"Doing what? Wearing clothes?" Even back then I'd been so utterly confused why it had been such a big deal.
 
"Why can't you be more like your brother?!" she'd asked in exasperation after we'd gone back and forth a few times. That statement might have been encouraged by the excellence award Matty had been given only weeks prior.
 
Back then, I'd had the wrong reaction of taking it out on my brother. I'd avoided him for days.
 
Not one to let things be, Matty had repeatedly tried to talk to me until I exploded in his face.
 
"Jesus Christ, just leave me alone!"
 
"What is going on with you?" He'd asked confused, "Did I do something wrong?"
 
"No, of course not," I'd replied angrily, "You never do anything wrong-- ever"
 
I must have sounded so crazy but he never made me feel like I was. He'd taken my words seriously, which would have only infuriated me more.
 
As I left the pier and headed back towards the tent, I thought, 'What I wouldn't give to fight with him one more time"

=^..^=
 
As I approached the tent, there was an old, but familiar face waiting just outside and it looked to me like he'd been waiting for me.
 
"Pastor Francis," I said his name as our eyes met, "Good evening"
 
"Good evening child" his gruff voice replied.
 
Naturally, he looked much older than when we last met.
 
The aroma of assorted dishes and the rumble of chattering voices were coming from inside the tent which told me the guests had finished sharing their stories and the event was coming to an end.
 
"I didn't know you were here" I commented.
 
"Matthew was one of my flock after all" he explained, "It's only right that I should be here"
 
I hadn't seen him amongst the guests when I went up on stage. Had I missed him, or had he only just arrived?
 
"What are you really doing here?" I asked. It may have seemed rude at first but given our last encounter, I felt I was justified to be on edge and to ask that.
 
"To celebrate your brother--" he paused, "But also to see you"
 
Many times over the years, his words had played over and over again in my head. The look on his sweaty face back then as he bathed me in holy water and repeated those words.
 
"You demon, I command you out of this boy in the name of Jesus"
 
For good measure, he'd commanded I'd be starved as well to "weaken the demon". My mother had obeyed and my father had kept out of it content to let me suffer if it got him his son back.
 
"You've seen me" I replied to him, "You can go now"
 
"Wait" he called out to me as I started to walk past him. "I just--"
 
"Did my mother ask you here?" I turned and asked him. I had gotten him out of my head a long time ago and didn't intend to bother with him anymore but if my mother had invited him after our history, I wasn't sure I could forgive her.
 
"Your mother cares about you very much" he answered and it told me everything I needed to know.
 
I couldn't believe her. I kept clinging to the hope that things could change but every time we took a step forward, she took two steps back.
 
I turned once again to make my way back into the tent but he called me by that name.
 
"Caleb"
 
I froze. I was tired of hearing that name. I'd gone years without hearing it and in a day and a half, I'd heard it enough times to make my ears bleed.
 
"You must pray with me, " I heard him say, "Your eternal soul--"
 
"Do you honestly believe the shit that comes out of your mouth?" I stared at him angrily. I pointed at him and said one last time before disappearing into the tent, "Go away".

=^..^=
 
Thankfully, it had been loud enough in there that no one could possibly have heard my conversation with the pastor.
 
I quickly made my towards our table to confront my mother which I found scanty. There was no one else present except Jess and the kids who ate together.
 
"Mummy, look" Jackson pointed excitedly at the plate of fried rice in front of him, his favorite food.
 
"Oh that looks wonderful, honey" I forced a smile amidst all the turmoil I was feeling, "Remember to chew really well, okay?"
 
He nodded and shoveled another spoonful into his mouth.
 
Just like his father, Jackson tended to eat very quickly especially if it was something he liked.
 
"Thank you so much for looking after him" I turned to Jess.
 
"Oh please, he's easy, and so very adorable".
 
"Where's my mother?"
 
"Back at the house, I think" she answered and with that, I was out of the tent and headed down the path that led to the house.
 
"Where is my mother?" I asked the first house staff I found.
 
"Uh-um, Upstairs parlor I think" The girl answered shakily.
 
I stomped up the stairs, quickly made my way through the halls, and pushed open the door to the parlor.
 
"How could you bring him here?" I asked as soon as I laid eyes on her.
 
Besides my mother, Leah was also in the room as well as another one of the help.
 
My mother quickly dismissed the help who quickly bowed and scurried past me and out the door.
 
"What is it now?" My mother asked.
 
"You know what I'm talking about" I stepped forward, "Pastor Francis"
 
"He was Matty's pastor" my mother replied, "he deserves to be here like everyone else"
 
"Oh yeah, he gave me the same excuse" I gave her a look that told her I wasn't buying it.
 
"I invited him" Leah chimed in, "I hoped he could talk some sense into you since you won't listen to anyone here"
 
"Not now Leah" My mother stepped up, "Your brother-- your sister clearly has things 'she' wants to say to me"

She said the words as though they demanded a heavy toll to say them. It pissed me off. I refused to believe it was that hard for her.
 
"Fuck!" I screamed. "Fuck! Fuck!"
 
Leah looked at me and shook her head.
 
"Calm down" my mother ordered, "Let's not ruin your brother's celebration"
 
"Me? I'm ruining it? You brought that man here after everything he did to me!"
 
"We only ever tried to help you" Mum defended herself, "Maybe we went about it the wrong way, but that does not excuse you swearing all over the place"
 
"You're not the only one having a hard time here," Leah spoke again, "Can you stop for one second to consider what everyone else is going through?"
 
"What are you going through, Leah? Hmm? No really, tell me" I turned sharply to her, "The guy that nearly killed me is out in the garden right now having a grand ol' time. But no, what are you going through?"
 
"That's enough from both of you," my mother said firmly. "Ruth," she said my name and took in a deep breath afterward, "I'm sorry about what happened. I didn't know you still held those feelings. I'll ask him to leave"
 
I scoffed, "Well one of us is leaving, that's for sure" I turned and exited the room, slamming the door behind me.

=^..^=
 
I couldn't move, let alone force myself out of bed. After leaving my mother, I'd come right back to my room to hide from everything and everyone.
 
It made me feel terrible. I felt like such an awful mother leaving my son in Jess' care. I'd rationalized that she wouldn't let anything happen to him but how would I know that? Could I really trust her to care for him in my absence?
 
As the paranoia set in, I began to feel that much more powerless and sink deeper into my despair.
 
I shouldn't have had to fight so hard around my own family.
 
'Get up, Jackson needs you" I thought to myself, focused only on my love for him and forced myself out of bed.
 
I walked over to the full-length mirror and examined myself. I looked terrible. My hair was disheveled and my dress was a rumpled mess.
 
I did what I could about the hair, wiped off the makeup that had become smeared, and hoped the guests would have departed by that point.
 
I had made it to the door and was reaching for the handle when I heard a knock and stopped in my tracks.
 
What was it now? Who was it?
 
"Who is it?" I called out.
 
"You have a guest, madam" one of the staff called back in response.
 
A guest?
 
I slowly opened the door and asked, "A guest? Who is it?"
 
"I am sorry, I do not know," she told me, "I just received this message"
 
"Where is this guest?"
 
"In the living room, madam" she replied, bowed, and was on her way.
 
I didn't understand. As I made my way down the hall and towards the staircase, I wondered who it could be. I wasn't sure I had it in me to deal with another blast from the past.
 
Maybe an old friend? A classmate perhaps? I couldn't imagine what any of them would say if they saw me now.
 
I racked my brain to figure out who it could be but came up empty even as I descended the steps and walked the final steps to the living room.
 
I stood right outside the entrance and could hear muffled voices coming from within. With no further delay, I walked through and made my appearance.
 
Jackson had been the first to notice my entrance.
 
"Mummy, Daddy's here" he'd said and I could clearly see my husband sitting there across from my parents but I still couldn't believe it.

Tom turned towards the entrance to look at me and my mouth hung open.

"How?" I asked with a confused smile.

"Hi, baby" He stood from his seat then replied with a pleased smile, "Surprise"

"How are you here?" I asked then glanced at my parents who sat quietly watching our exchange.

My mother and I had gotten into it earlier and this wasn't at all how I expected our follow-up conversation to go.

"I got an earlier flight," he answered looking very happy to see me, "I wanted to surprise you"

He took one step forward and I hurried across the room into his arms. For a moment I just stood there with my head buried in his chest, drinking him in.

We separated slightly and he kissed me right there and then, causing me to moan with pleasure and lean into his lips as I felt his beard on my skin. I had missed this, that feeling when he kissed me and all my fears would melt away.

The whole world threatened to fade away until I heard my mother clear her throat and I was snapped back to reality.

"How did you get here?" I asked after our lips parted.

"Your sister may have helped a bit" he answered as he guided me down to sit beside him. He threw his arm around my shoulder after which I placed my hand on my shoulder so our hands met. I rubbed his hairy hand gently which my mother had noticed and ignored.

My husband was a bit of a bear and over the years, I'd developed the habit of rubbing the hairs around his body, especially those on his chest. Sometimes I felt he kept himself so hairy just for me. A hairy partner might not have done it for every woman, but my goodness it did it for me.

I noticed Jackson was totally engulfed by a box I didn't recognize and the packaging of which I couldn't read from that angle.

"I got him something" Tom quickly commented noticing my gaze.

"Let me see that, honey" I called out softly to my son who hurried over to meet me. I let go of Tom's hand for a moment to take the box from Jackson. It looked to be some kind of gaming handheld but I was wholly out of touch in that regard.

That was more something Tom and Jackson shared together and normally I liked it when they spent time together playing their games but this was the first one Jackson had received as a present and Tom knew how important limiting his screen time was to me.

"Okay honey, go have fun," I said handing the box back to my excited son, "We'll set some ground rules later"

"I wish you'd have talked to me before getting him something like that," I whispered to my husband before replacing my hand over his on my shoulder.

"I know, but in my defense, I only saw it at the airport today and didn't want to spoil the surprise" he whispered back, "Besides, I've been away for so long, I had to cheat a little with him"

He pulled me closer to him which caused me to look at my mother nervously. My father who would normally just stare into space was watching us as well. Tom didn't care, if anything, he was being a bit more affectionate than usual.

I thought back to the jumble of voices I'd heard as I approached the living room. They had been having a conversation before I walked in but were being quiet now which made me uncomfortable.

I was worried about what Tom might have said or done if my mother had said something cruel about me. It could be argued that I hadn't taken my family's actions as well as I could have but no matter how badly I reacted to transphobia, Tom was worse.

"What were you guys talking about--" I asked cautiously, "before I came in"

So imagine my surprise when Tom replied with a carefree smile, "I was just apologizing to your parents for having married their daughter without making any attempts to meet them first"

It was odd. I'd complained to him that they hated me and was fully planning to keep him away from them in fear of the eruption I expected, but this reaction was anything but that.

"I also brought this very nice, very old bottle of brandy to help with my apology" he smiled at my parents and then at me. "Your sister might have helped with that as well"

His reaction wasn't at all what I had expected.

I'd considered making a fuss about bringing my father more alcohol but decided to let it go. If my parents had accepted a gift from my husband, better to just be happy about it.

My mother had remained quiet since I walked into the room and just sat there watching me sit demurely with Tom's arm around me.

"Well Mum, Dad, you've met Tom, my husband" I spoke to move the conversation along, "I'm sorry it took so long for you to meet him"

My mother suddenly shifted her attention away from me and rose to her feet. Without a word, she walked over and pressed the button that called for the help and only a short moment later, one of them hurried into the room.

"Prepare one of the larger rooms and move my daughter's things in, along with the others that just arrived" she ordered.

The girl nodded and departed quickly.

"Dinner will be ready soon, I hope you're hungry" she turned her attention back to Tom.

"Famished" he replied simply.

I squeezed Tom's hand gently and prepared for him to meet the rest of my family. What had happened to my plans of leaving right after Matty's celebration?

=^..^=

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Hiya. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I'd love to hear your thoughts so far.

Tom and I walked hand-in-hand around the grounds while we waited for our room to be prepared. We'd left Jackson in the care of one of the staff and couldn't help but laugh as he led her on an adventure to show Sarah his new present.

Clinging to Tom's arm, I leaned into him as we walked, grateful for this time alone. It had been too long since we'd held each other like this.

"Thank you" I looked up at him and whispered.

"For what?"

"Just for being here," I said softly and leaned my head on his shoulder.

"Honestly, I thought you might have been upset" he replied with a small laugh. With an awful impression of my higher-pitched voice, he mimicked, "You shouldn't have bought a new ticket. It was such a waste of money. Your flight in was just tomorrow anyway"

"I do not sound like that" I protested.

"Oh you definitely do," he laughed some more before returning to his mocking voice, "'We could have spent it on something useful instead'"

I poked his face with my index finger then pouted, "Well if I did say that, I'd be right"

"Yeah, you would be" he agreed and started to say something else but didn't. I could tell he had a lot on his mind and at least some of it was worry for me.

We took a few steps in silence before I returned to rest my head on his side once more, "I've missed you"

"I've missed you too, baby"

=^..^=

"What's over there?" Tom asked after we'd walked a good distance from the main house. It was easy to forget how vast the property was since we spent all our time in just a small section.

"The family cemetery," I replied.

A grass-covered wall and iron fence separated it from the rest of the property and was one of the few places my parents didn't need to warn me to avoid as a kid.

"That's interesting" he commented.

It was a pretty nonexistent concept where he'd grown up. Even here, it was only more popular among richer, older families.

"We say it's a family cemetery but it's just my grandparents and uncle buried there" I explained.

I guess Matty would join them soon enough.

The thought crossed my mind and the place suddenly felt haunting. I couldn't imagine my brother lying in there.

My lips suddenly felt dry and my skin turned pale as I stared at the flimsy iron gate that was supposed to separate the living from the dead.

"Are you okay?" Tom asked after taking one look at my distraught face.

I shook my head. "Can we go?" I asked.

"Sure, yeah of course"

=^..^=

We found ourselves walking the pier by the lake where I'd been only a few hours earlier. So much had happened since that afternoon that it felt like much more time had passed.

"I can't believe you grew up here" he commented while taking in the scenery. "I grew up in the city so I barely had room to roam"

With the setting sun over the horizon, the calm water, and the trees in the background, it really was a picturesque day.

"Yeah well don't let it fool you" I responded, "It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows"

"You never talk about your childhood"

"There's nothing to talk about" I replied.

There was a lot to talk about. So many things that happened in the year after my family discovered my meds. So many things that happened in the years before that made me hide who I was in the first place. So much I'd tried to forget and might have succeeded if I hadn't come back here.

"We should figure out where we're going next," I tried changing the subject, "How do you feel about Seychelles?"

Tom's arm slowly dropped off my shoulder but instead, took both my hands in his.

"Ruth, um--" he paused, "I've been thinking and I think it would be a mistake to leave now"

"What are you talking about?" My grip on his hands loosened.

"We shouldn't leave" he explained, "You'll end up regretting it if you miss your brother's funeral"

"No, it's fine," I shook my head confused why he was bringing this up now, "I already said Matty wouldn't have cared about the funeral. He just wanted me to reconcile with my family, that's all"

"Then let's do that" Tom replied.

"They don't want me here," I argued, "Even if I stay for the funeral, I can't stay here"

"I don't think that's true. Your parents at least want you to stay"

"Why are you on their side here?" I let my hand fall away from his.

"I'm not, I'm on your side. I always am"

"You certainly don't sound like it" I frowned.

"I just think it's in your best interest to give them another chance"

"What did my mother say to you--" I stared intently at him, "before I walked in"

Tom raised his shoulder slightly in the same way he always did when he was getting defensive.

"I confronted her about her treatment of you and she apologized" he answered simply.

I shook my head in frustration.

"I know I just got here but she strikes me as genuine," he continued once again taking her side, "She wants a relationship with you"

"You don't know her" I took a step backward, "You don't know what she's done"

"Baby," he said softly as I stepped away.

"How about we get through dinner first," I said finally before folding my hands and withdrawing from the conversation, "I'm cold, can we go back inside?"

"Fine" he replied.

Unlike Matty, Tom knew not to press an issue that we were on opposing sides of. Instead, he changed the subject by suggesting we take Jackson to explore the city soon. He reasoned our son should see more of his mother's country.

It was a good idea.

=^..^=

Dinner started uncomfortably quietly. My mother had had us say grace but after that, there was very little conversation to be had.

The kids had had their dinner earlier and so they weren't present at the table which was probably for the best.

Rebecca was also noticeably absent. She'd left with Carly after the celebration but was now on her way back home.

As for those at the table, it irked me the way Aaron and Leah's eyes would repeatedly shift from their foods to examine Tom and me. The worst of it came from Leah who seemed unable to take her eyes off Tom.

I had wanted to say something but didn't want to be seen as throwing the first punch so I let things be.

The first bit of conversation would come several minutes into the meal when Jess asked the question.

"How did you two meet?"

I turned to Tom, apprehension clear on my face, unsure of what to say.

"A friend of a friend," Tom answered simply as if reading my mind. "Not very exciting, I know, but every day since has been more magical than I could have ever dreamed."

Tom placed his hand over mine and gave it a light squeeze. I looked up at him and smiled.

I blushed when my gaze shifted back across the room and I found my family quietly watching our interaction. I looked forward to the day when our affection wouldn't warrant any raised eyebrows.

"How did you two meet?" Tom had asked in return but we were interrupted by the sound of high heels hitting the marble floor.

"We're in here, Rebecca" my mother called out without wasting a moment.

I took a few more bites of my food in the time it took the footsteps to grow louder until my sister made her appearance, fashionably late as always.

"Hi Mama, hi daddy" She entered with a beaming smile. There was a light in her eyes that I hadn't seen that morning. "Tom, oh my God, hi! When did you get here?" She turned her attention to my husband with a look of surprise.

"There's no need to pretend" I shot her a look of my own, "I know this is your doing?"

"Oh, whatever do you mean?" She replied coyly.

"I told her, sorry" Tom revealed with an apologetic expression.

"Fine, busted" she shrugged, "We're all so very happy to have you here"

"Happy to be here" Tom replied in kind.

"Well, if anyone needs me, I'll be upstairs" she announced, "I need a good lie down"

"Why don't you join us?" My mother asked her.

"I'm not hungry" she replied quickly.

"Are you sure?" I asked. I hadn't seen her eat anything all day, even during the celebration. That morning, she'd opted for coffee as well. I didn't want to worry, but I did.

"Yes, I'm sure" she laughed. "I'm just tired"

"Well, okay" I let it go. I wasn't one to press an issue either and she was a grown woman after all.

"I'd like to have a nice meal with all my children" My mother spoke again and this time Rebecca obliged her but not without making clear her displeasure.

She retrieved a clean plate from where they were stacked near the buffet and dished herself the tiniest portion of food before taking a place at the table.

"Thank you," My mother said to her before turning to address the rest of us, "It warms my heart to see all my children sitting together. It is just unfortunate that it took the death of your brother for it to happen"

My attention was drawn to my father who sat slumped in his chair, only taking occasional bites of his meal.

"I'd like for all of us to welcome Ruth's partner, Tom" Mum continued, "He's a part of the family and we're very happy to have him here with us. I just wish it could have been for a better occasion"

Rebecca whooped and clapped, causing me to chuckle at the absurdity of her actions and the slow halt when no one joined her.

"Thank you" Tom offered while placing down his utensils and wiping his lips with a napkin, "I look forward to getting to know my wife's family"

"Tsk" I heard the sound leave Leah's lips but did my best to ignore it.

"As you say, it's unfortunate the opportunity only arose at a time like this," Tom continued, "I met Matty a few times and he always struck me as a kind soul. I know how much my wife adored her brother so it truly is a sad occasion."

My mother nodded her approval.

"Thank you for coming," My mother said graciously and it caused me to wonder whether there was truly hope for a relationship between us.

"Of course"

A few minutes after we settled back into our meal, Aaron found his way into the conversation. "So, Tom, what do you do for a living?"

Tom cleared his throat, adjusting slightly in his seat. "I work in sales."

Aaron's raised eyebrow indicated he was expecting more than a vague response.

"We serve as middlemen between equipment manufacturers and international oil companies," Tom elaborated, offering a small smile. "It's not very glamorous, but it keeps the lights on," he chuckled, trying to lighten the mood.

"So, I assume money's not an issue?" Aaron asked nonchalantly.

Tom paused for a moment before regaining his smile. "No, money's not an issue."

"It's just, you know," Aaron spoke while he worked at cutting the steak on his plate, "some may see an introduction at this point and misconstrue your intentions. You know how it is," he added, his attention briefly shifting from the piece of steak to me and my husband.

"My intentions are to see my wife reunited with her family," Tom replied without pause.

"Tom," I said softly. Even if it would prove my point, I didn't want my husband involved in our petty conflict.

"Admirable," Aaron replied. "But you do know why there was a divide in the first place, right? Do you even know who you went and married?"

"Stop it," my mother turned to my brother.

"What are you trying to say to me?" Tom asked.

"I'm just wondering if you know all the details," Aaron shrugged. "That's all."

"About my wife?" Tom asked. "What do you think you know about her?"

I hated this. I hated how it made me feel. I was always the topic of discussion. Everyone had their issues, but as long as I was in the room, we never talked about anything else. I wanted to give them something else to talk about.

"While we're on the topic of discovery," I jumped in, "Jess, did you know that Aaron got a girl pregnant? I think she had to have an abortion, didn't she, big brother?"

I stared at him and watched him lose his smile, but even then, I wasn't done yet.

"Huge scandal," I turned back to Jess. "Our parents had to make it all go away. Mum, do you remember that?" I smiled as the room fell silent.

My mother let out an exasperated sigh but said nothing.

"Ugh," Rebecca groaned, "You all are killing my buzz. Can I go now?"

"I am aware," Jess replied before giving me a disapproving glare. "There are no secrets between us."

"Poor girl," I continued. "Wasn't she only sixteen? That must have been so hard for her. I wonder how she's doing now."

"I was eighteen," Aaron said quickly.

"Almost nineteen, though," I took a sip from my glass and realized I'd barely touched my food amid the riveting conversation.

"I'm out of here," Rebecca announced before standing. "You all suck," she said as she walked out of the room.

"I think I've lost my appetite," I made a show of pushing the plate away from me. "Goodnight, Mum, Dad."

I heard Tom's chair shift a moment after mine did, and his voice followed. "The meal was very nice, thank you."

"You're very welcome." My mother replied

With no more words, Tom and I exited the dining room, allowing the rest of the family to enjoy their meal without us.

=^..^=

As I bathed Jackson that evening, I replayed the recent events in my head.

It seemed impossible for my family to sit together and have a civil moment together. That part I didn't mind. I had given up on getting along with Aaron and Leah. What bothered me was the fact that Tom was taking a more patient approach with them.

What did it matter that they were my family? Other than Matty and Rebecca, I hadn't considered them my family for many years.

"Mummy" Jackson's shaky voice brought me back to reality.

'Sorry, baby" I said quickly as I realized I'd been standing there unmoving, staring into nothing, "Have you washed everywhere?"

He nodded proudly.

"Your armpits?" I asked and he nodded again, "Good job. Okay, go ahead and  rinse thoroughly"

The time was coming when I wouldn't have to supervise him anymore and it was coming quickly. It seemed like only yesterday that he was a baby. It was fascinating how children grew so quickly. You blink and suddenly they don't need you anymore.

As he rinsed the shampoo out of his hair, I watched him with adoration. I couldn't understand how some parents couldn't love their children to the best of their ability. I thought back to my mother and wondered if it was truly 'better late than never'.

'Can I give her another chance?' I asked myself as I passed Jackson a towel to dry himself.

He wrapped it around himself and hurried out of the bathroom and into the large bedroom where his father sat on the bed with his laptop.

'Don't run" I called after my son before shaking my head and following after him.

"Hey, champ" Tom turned his attention to the unruly boy and smiled.

"Jackson, come here" I called out.

I pinched his cheek as he returned to me with a pout. He was dripping water everywhere even when I'd specifically warned him against that.

I led him to the adjoining bedroom where he would sleep, allowing Tom and me some time alone. There, I dried him properly before helping him get dressed.

"Alright, in bed, young man," I said finally after he finished getting dressed.

"Can I have my game?" he asked innocently.

"No, that's enough of that"

"Please, mummy"

"In bed, now," I said again.

He pouted and stumbled over towards the large bed that he had all to himself.

I tucked him in before leaning in and kissing his forehead gently like I always did. It had been a hectic day, but he'd handled it wonderfully. For several lengths of time, I'd left him to his own devices and despite being so young, he'd handled it like a grown-up.

My perfect little man.

"Good night, baby"

"Good night, mummy"

"Sleep" I ran my fingers through his hair one last time before heading back towards the door.

I was grateful to my mother for giving us these two rooms. To be more accurate, it was a bedroom and adjoining study that had been converted into a second bedroom which suited us perfectly.

Jackson needed his independence and I needed time alone with Tom. Time alone that I had already begun to fantasize about as I turned the lights off in Jackson's room and left quietly.

There would be time later to talk about how we were to deal with my family. For now, I only wanted one thing.

I saw Tom still sitting on the bed, typing away with a serious expression. His many successes had allowed me to stay home and spend my entire time looking after my son and our home. He was my perfect man.

"Is he asleep?" Tom asked without looking away from the screen.

I pulled my dress straps off my shoulder and let my dress fall to the floor.

"Tom," I said his name softly.

He turned and found me clad in nothing but my underwear and his eyes widened.

Slowly and seductively, I walked around the bed to my husband and carefully lifted the computer off his lap. He watched my every move. I walked over and placed the laptop on the table, stopping briefly so he could drink me in, especially my butt which I knew he loved so much.

Slowly, I walked back to him, leaned in, and whispered in his ear, "I want you"

After which, I went to work on his shirt buttons. I undid the buttons one by one until his hairy chest came into view.

Tom took charge and tossed the shirt aside before pulling me on top of him and kissing me deeply. I moaned and this time I didn't have to worry about my parents hearing.

I went to work on his belt buckle, after which we tore the rest of the clothes off each other. It had been too long. My body almost physically ached for his.

His hands found my breast and played with them as we kissed while mine adventured much lower on his body.

"Jackson--" Tom started to say but the thought had already crossed my mind.

"I'll be quiet" I interrupted and went back to kissing him.

We flipped around and now I had my back to the bed. With this new development, Tom's hand took their cue from mine and found their way between my legs. I shivered as I felt his fingers explore inside me.

I could barely contain myself and the moan that left my lips.

Tom shushed me and I giggled, "Sorry"

It was going to be a long night.

=^..^=

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Hi, sorry this took so long. I wrote a very different chapter before deciding I wanted to take the story a different route and scrapped it. Anyway, thanks a lot for reading!

I gripped the sheets tightly, burying my head in the pillow to stifle my moans and avoid waking Jackson. Being with Tom always felt incredible.
 
With each deep thrust, he forced involuntary cries of pleasure from my lips. I've always wondered whether the pleasure I felt when we lay together was typical or if Tom was just that good.
 
I had no way to know because I hadn't been with anyone else since I had my surgery and I could never achieve similar results when I played with myself either.
 
Of course, it hadn't always felt like this. The first year after the surgery had been awful. Even after waiting the seven months my surgeon had recommended, I had remained mostly numb throughout that year. Whenever we'd tried it, I always ended up leaving uncomfortable, and for a long time, I thought that would be my life.
 
No one was more excited than Tom when things changed for the better. For a while after that, we lived like rabbits, in bed together whenever the opportunity arose.
 
I felt a pang of disappointment as Tom quickened his pace, signaling he was ready to finish. I wasn't ready yet; I wanted more.
 
I tried to pull away to reset, but he held my hips firmly, hitting just the right spot and making me squeal as I backed into him, feeling him finish deep inside me.
 
He let out multiple satisfactory grunts as I fell away and lay with my back on the bed. A moment later, he joined me while still breathing loudly and quickly.
 
He leaned in and kissed me with the same lips that had been licking me earlier before relaxing in bed beside me.
 
"We could go again, you know?" I suggested.
 
"You're crazy," he chuckled, "I'm going to take a shower and go right to bed"
 
"Tsk, old man"
 
When it became clear that he wasn't going to budge, I rolled out of bed and made my way towards the bathroom to clean up. Maybe tomorrow night-- or morning.

=^..^=
 
I had just put on my nightgown, and Tom was heading to the bathroom when I remembered the USB drive Carly had given me earlier.
 
"Can I use the laptop?" I asked him.
 
Tom grunted his approval just before disappearing through the bathroom doors.
 
I retrieved the drive from where I'd shoved it into my handbag earlier and took the laptop back with me to the bed.
 
If I was being honest, I was a bit nervous about watching the video Matty had left for me. The one we'd watched during the celebration had broken my heart into a million pieces and I had the gut feeling that whatever he had to say in this one would have a similar effect.
 
But it was my brother's last words to me, I had to listen no matter what.
 
I waited with bated breath as the laptop's antivirus scanned the drive. When it opened, I saw a single folder containing a video. From the thumbnail, I could already see my brother's pale face.
 
My hands shook as I dragged it across the touchpad and clicked on the video after which, my brother appeared on the screen.
 
He looked even more worn out than before, which was already hard to see. He must have recorded this closer to the end.
 
His lips moved but no sound came through. I quickly paused the video and increased the volume then restarted it.
 
My eyes were watery before I even heard a single word.
 
"Ruth, God I hope you're watching this" he began.
 
"I asked Carly to give you this video only if you came home so if you are, I'm glad"
 
It didn't look like the same hospital room where he'd recorded the first one. The walls were different, less cold, less gray. He now looked as though he had given up trying to live.
 
"Ruth, I-- wanted to say I'm sorry" Matty stared past the camera and at me. It felt like he was right there talking to me. I couldn't take it anymore, paused the video, and buried my face in my hands.
 
I felt terrible for not having been here and he was the one apologizing. For what? What could my perfect brother possibly have to apologize for?
 
I pressed 'play' once again because I just had to know.
 
"I've always struggled with the fact that I watched everything that happened to you and I never said anything at all" he continued. "Shit, I should be calling you right now and saying this directly to you but I'm a coward"
 
"You're not," I said even though he wasn't there to hear it.
 
"I just-- I just went about my business and ignored everything Mum and Dad did. They dragged you to church and all those clueless fucking counselors and I said nothing because 'I had my own problems'"
 
"There was nothing you could have done," I said again. I don't know if it helped or if I just looked crazy but I kept speaking to him as if he was there with me.
 
"And I just keep asking myself if things would have been different if I'd just said or done something"
 
"There was nothing you could--" I started to repeat but Matty continued.
 
"And now all I can do to try to fix things is to help you resolve everything with Mum and Dad, even though I know that doesn't change anything," Matty's voice would quiver and crack ever so often, "but you can't go through life with these unresolved feelings"
 
He paused a moment and during that time he seemed completely lost in thought, "And I know that because I have so many of them and they suck"
 
Matty went quiet for a while. We both sat there quietly across space and time. In two different locations and time periods, we sat unmoving, coming to terms with our unresolved feelings.
 
When he spoke again, he spoke about her.
 
"God, I should have married her when I had the chance. I loved her, and I still do, but it's too late now"

Another pause, each one more excruciating than the last.
 
"Ruth, can you do me a favor?"
 
"Yeah?" I answered.
 
"Could you make sure Carly's okay?" he asked, "I know the next few months will be hard on her. Can you just check in on her every once in a while? I'll really appreciate that"
 
"Okay," I answered.
 
In the long silence that followed, I just watched him and all of his subtle movements. Everything from his strained breathing to the blinking of his eyes, I took everything in.
 
This was the last time I would see my brother alive.
 
"There's something else," Matty spoke again when I had started to think he was done, "There's something you need to know"
 
He paused once again, taking his time before continuing. Each second felt like minutes. It wasn't just the anxiety regarding what he intended to tell me but also the fact that one of these would be the last thing my brother would ever say to me.
 
"Father removed you from the will" Matty seemed to force the words out while he still had the strength to.
 
I was stunned for a moment, unable to think or process what he'd said. Slowly but surely, I started to understand what he'd said.
 
And then I felt angry.
 
Not because I cared about whatever fortune this family had. No, I just felt like an idiot.
 
I had been entertaining the possibility that maybe, just maybe I could reconcile with my parents but the whole time they were laughing at me.
 
"God, I really should be telling you this face to face but I can't bring myself to do it" Matty's voice came again through the laptop's speakers, "I just think--"
 
The door to the bathroom opened and I hurriedly paused the video.
 
Tom emerged, damp hair and a towel wrapped around his waist. He'd taken one look at me and very quickly, the rather pleasant expression on his face was replaced with a worried one.
 
"What's wrong?" he asked while walking over to me, "Why are you even crying?"
 
I hadn't even noticed.
 
I opened my mouth to say something but couldn't find the words. Instead, I just pressed 'play'.
 
"--you have a right to know" Matty finished.
 
"It's Matty" I managed to inform Tom, "he left me a video"
 
"I know it isn't fair of me to ask you to give them a chance even knowing this but--" I let Matty's video play for a bit before pausing it again.
 
"I just found out that my parents removed me from their will," I said before closing the laptop and tossing it on the bed.
 
"Are you okay?"
 
"No, not really" I answered as I lay back down in bed. I was tired.
 
"Let me just get dressed, we'll talk about it" Tom announced then made his way towards the wardrobe.
 
"Let's go to Seychelles," I said.
 
"Hold on, we'll talk about it" Tom removed the towel and tossed it to the side before replacing it with clean underwear.
 
"I don't want to talk about it. I'm tired of talking about it" I curled myself into a fetal position and wished I'd never come back here.
 
Tom hurried through his routine and joined me in bed. He quickly wrapped his arm around me and we cuddled tightly together. It was just what I needed in that moment.
 
"Okay, we can go," he whispered in my ear, "but it sounded like he wanted you to stay even now"
 
"Of course he wants me to stay," I replied, "That's the kind of person he is but I'm sorry, I'm just not that person that just turns the other cheek"
 
"Alright," he said finally and we said no more on the matter.
 
Tom just held me through the night. I don't know what I would have done if I'd found out the truth and he wasn't there with me.

=^..^=
 
The next morning, my mother had the audacity to show up at my door with a smile. I'd been very taken aback when Tom walked to the door and I'd heard her voice.
 
"Sorry to bother you"
 
"Oh not at all," Tom who was clad in nothing other than his underwear was stuck talking to her from behind the door, "Good morning"
 
"Ruth, can I speak to you, dear?"
 
"Now?" I called back.
 
It was all very inappropriate.
 
"It will only be a moment"
 
I sighed, "Coming"
 
I dragged myself out of bed and made my way to the door. I stepped out to meet her and closed the door behind me. I was acutely aware that the low-cut nightgown I had on displayed more of my body than I'd shown up till that point but it didn't seem to bother my mother. If it did, she didn't show it.
 
I folded my arms and raised my eyebrow as if to say, 'Get on with it'.
 
"So, I'm taking your sisters shopping" Mum explained, "I was wondering if you'd want to join us"
 
"Oh," I was surprised. That wasn't at all what I'd been expecting. I had been prepared for her to say something that would eventually lead to a fight and after last night's revelation, who knows what I would have said if we fought?
 
"It's something we do whenever Rebecca comes home" My mother continued, "It's silly but the girls enjoy it"
 
"Rebecca and Leah?" I asked. Leah was so stuck up I couldn't imagine her having any type of fun.
 
"And Jess" Mum corrected.
 
"And Jess" I repeated.
 
"What do they call it, a 'girl's day'?" She added after a short nervous laugh.
 
I could see what she was doing. It was obvious. She wanted me to feel like she accepted me as her daughter but I knew now that that was a lie. But still, it felt nice to be included.
 
It was pathetic how easy I was to please.
 
I wanted to leave this place. I should have said 'no' and packed my bags but that's not what I did.
 
"When?" I asked.
 
"30 minutes? An hour? Whenever Rebecca finishes getting ready?" she laughed.
 
I forced a laugh in response.
 
"Isn't it a bit early?" I asked.
 
"It is, but Leah has to be in the office later," My mother answered, "She's President of our Foundation which is--" She'd begun to explain proudly but I'd interrupted her.
 
It may have been petty but the last thing I wanted that morning was to hear my mother ramble on about how amazing my sister was. I'd heard quite enough of that growing up.

"Well, what about tomorrow then?"

"Tomorrow is Sunday" She looked at me as though I had just said the most ridiculous thing in the world, "It's the Lord's Day"
 
"Okay, but Jackson hasn't showered or had his breakfast yet, I'll have to--"
 
It was my mother's turn to interrupt me.
 
"Oh, I'm sure Tom can handle that, can't he? He's the boy's father after all" She said with a smile, "The men have to play their part too in raising a child"
 
There it was again, the same forced display of acceptance that I'd quickly found bothered me.
 
"I guess" I acquiesced.
 
"So I will see you downstairs soon," She said and the matter was settled.
 
"Okay" I replied and with a satisfied look, she turned and walked away.
 
A girls' day with my family. What could go wrong?

=^..^=

" And don't let him play that game the whole day" I warned Tom as we made our way downstairs together, "I don't want him obsessed with that thing"

"Yes, yes, don't worry, I got it" He waved me off, "Go have fun"

"Fun? I doubt it" I glanced over at my son who walked a few steps ahead of us and wondered if I should even go, "I give it 30 minutes before we're at each other's throats"

"Just keep an open mind, you never know," Tom told me as we cleared the last few flights of stairs.

Tom remained optimistic about a renewed relationship but at that point, I didn't see a way through. Our family drama was simply too insurmountable and I stood at the center of a lot of it.

"Are you going to bring up the will?" he spoke in a hushed tone in response to the faint voices coming from the living room. We stopped our advance to avoid getting into earshot.

"I don't know" I replied, "She'll probably just have an excuse and make it seem like I'm overreacting. Do you think I should?"

He took a deep breath, "I would--" he started.

"Jackson, baby, hold on okay?" I called to my son who kept marching forward without a care in the world, eyes glued to that screen.

"I prefer to get these things out in the open. Cards on the table kind of thing" Tom finished.

"They didn't think it was a good idea to let me know though" I argued, "I'd still be in the dark if not for Matty"

"You're right" Tom agreed and I couldn't shake the feeling that he was just letting me have it despite having more opinions on the subject. Either way, this wasn't the time to have this conversation with my family waiting. "I should go," I said finally.

With a kiss, Tom sent me off before leading Jackson toward the dining room.

"Bye, Mummy" Jackson called out as they turned the corner and stepped out of sight. I loved those two so very much.

=^..^=

We gathered in front of the house where two cars were waiting to take us wherever my mother had planned. It was my first time leaving the premises since I arrived days ago and I almost felt like I did as a kid whenever our parents would take us on a trip.

Unlike the trousers and shirts I would have worn back then, today I was wearing a pink blouse, jean skirt and sandals. A very welcome improvement.

My mother seemed pleased that I'd agreed to come, and Rebecca was too. Leah appeared sour, which was no surprise, but the surprising part was the looks I was getting from Jess.

I smiled at Jess despite her odd looks, but she just shifted her gaze. I assumed she had something else on her mind and didn't think much of it.

"I want to invite Carly," I said out loud to no one in particular.

"Oh that's a good idea" Rebecca quickly agreed, "I was with her yesterday and honestly, I think she could really use a day out"

"What's brought this on?" My mother asked. As far as she was concerned, I'd never paid any special attention to my brother's former flame before.

"Oh um-- I just thought she seemed special to Matty so she's basically family, right?" I answered.

"Yes, I suppose it couldn't hurt" My mother agreed which resulted in a very happy Rebecca.

"I'll call her" my sister announced.

The looks I received from Jess continued even until we were seated in the back of the car and the lead car with Mum, Leah, and Rebecca set off with us in tow.

"Can you turn the AC up?" I called out to the driver, a young man I'd never met before.

The hot summer sun was particularly burning that morning but even then Jess protested.

"I'm cold"

I thought that was funny because she wasn't dressed like someone that was cold.

Still, I waved the driver back to his task, sat back in silence, and tried to take in the beautiful country outside the car.

Summer was in full swing and with it was such amazing weather. I watched the young, beautiful people that littered the streets looking as happy as can be, and felt a tinge of sadness that I couldn't have been like them growing up.

My life was good now but I lost so many years fighting just to be myself. So much struggle just to be seen as the woman that I was.

I felt a tinge of jealousy but also guilt, knowing how much better off I was than most. Did I have any right to complain about my family when I was heading out into town with my mother and sisters dressed as I was?

Five minutes passed, then ten. The silence in the car was deafening.

"Do you know where we're going?" I turned to ask Jess in an effort to spark conversation.

She didn't respond, as if I were talking to myself.

"Is something wrong?" I was forced to ask.

Jess only turned to glance at me before turning away once again. Clearly, something was wrong.

=^..^=
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Thanks for reading as always. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this chapter

"Jess," I hurried out of the car in pursuit. As soon as we parked, she took off, ignoring me as she had done for most of the journey.

The buildings, trees, sky, everything seemed more interesting to her than whatever I had to say.

Our relationship had been positive up until that point, and she'd even taken my side over her husband's a few times, so I was taken aback by her sudden change in attitude.

"Jess" I called out to her again as she stormed into the shopping complex famed for its many luxury stores. A bit too needlessly expensive for my tastes but my mother had no such concerns.

"You're making a scene" Leah chimed in with that same condescending look about her.

"What's going on?" Rebecca approached and asked.

I shrugged in response. Her guess was as good as mine.

Leah rolled her eyes and shook her head before walking off, leaving me confused and if I was being honest, a bit irritated.

"Is Jess okay?" Rebecca asked, concerned.

"Yeah," I answered, "I think so."

"She did seem--" Rebecca suddenly closed her eyes and winced in pain.

"Are you okay?" I asked touching her shoulder gently.

"Yeah" she quickly brushed me off, "I'm fine"

"I've noticed you've been getting those a lot. Have you been to the doctor?"

"I'm fine, oh my God, chill" She brushed me off again, offering no explanation.

"You're not eating either, are you?" I pressed on, "If there's something going on, you can tell me. You know that right?"

"Ruth, Jesus, I said I'm fine" she suddenly snapped at me. Very unlike her. "If you need someone to worry about, worry about Jess, how about that?"

"What's going on?" Our mother who had taken her sweet time in the car finally made her appearance and joined our conversation but Rebecca wasn't having it.

"Nothing's going on" she shut it down quickly, "Can we just get going?"

Our mother expectantly turned her attention over to me.

I considered bringing it up with our mother but decided against it. I didn't even know what 'it' was or if there was anything at all. I didn't want to antagonize my sister over something that could have just been in my head.

"It's nothing"

"You two aren't keeping secrets, are you?" My mother smiled.

Her goodwill was lost on me after I'd learned she cut me off without so much as a word to me. I just couldn't reconcile this woman with the one that would do such a thing.

"So where are we going?" I asked, changing the subject.

"The salon first" Mum answered, making no more fuss about Rebecca and me, "Let's see if we can't do something about that mop on your head"

"What's wrong with my hair?" I asked.

"Nothing at all, dear" she replied before proceeding to walk past me.

"What's wrong with my hair?" I turned to Rebecca.

She only shrugged in response before walking up behind our mother.

I smoothed my hair using my phone's camera before hurrying to catch up with them, feeling a bit more self-conscious now than I was before.

=^..^=

Jess and Leah were aware of the routine and had already found their way into the hairdresser's chair by the time we arrived.

While the attendants greeted my mother and sister ecstatically, I was forced to stand there sheepishly, waiting to be introduced.

"This is my other daughter, Ruth," my mother introduced me to a very well-dressed woman with a short bob and a pleasant smile once she had finished her pleasantries.

"We haven't met yet, have we?" The woman began, "You can call me Agnes"

"Nice to meet you, I'm Ruth"

It was odd to have my mother refer to me as her daughter with no hesitation. More than anything, I hated that it made me dream of a better relationship with her even knowing how I'd come away disappointed every other time I'd dared to dream.

I was sure my therapist would have a lot to say about my quest for her approval.

"Agnes has been doing my hair going on five years now" My mother commented but I couldn't pay attention because out of the corner of my eyes, I could just make out Rebecca fidgeting.

"So imagine my surprise" Agnes laughed, "I had no idea you had another daughter. But I see it, she looks so much like you"

"Does she?"

I noticed Rebecca sit down only for a brief moment before standing right back up.

"Very much" Agnes quickly confirmed, before turning back to me, "What are you looking to get done today? Our full package is very popular right now"

"Do you think her hair looks a bit wild?" My mother stepped in.

"It has a lot of volume which is good" Agnes replied, "I have a few ideas I think she'll really like"

I watched Rebecca quietly step out of the salon without a word to anyone and got worried. Something was up, I knew it and I certainly couldn't ignore it.

"You know I trust you," My mother said happily.

Agnes smiled, "If you'll just take a seat--"

"I'm sorry, could you give me a moment" I didn't even bother waiting for a response before quickly making my way out the store.

I quickly spotted Rebecca making her way for the restrooms and walked after her.

No matter how you looked at it, I was acting crazy. Sneaking behind my sister through the halls of the shopping complex was an absolutely crazy thing to do but I couldn't help but follow my gut.

I followed her in after I heard one of the stall doors open and close, thankful that it was relatively empty except for another young lady who was washing her hands.

The lady didn't acknowledge me and so neither did I.

I made my way towards the large mirrors and came to terms with what I was doing. Rebecca was in one of the stalls behind me. If I was going to leave and put this all behind me, I wouldn't have much longer to do so.

Eventually, my gut came out victorious and I stuck around. I spent the nearly ten minutes it took for Rebecca to emerge just studying my appearance in the mirror.

I looked fine, just like any other woman my age but the one thing that was starting to worry me was the noticeable bags under my eyes. I felt like I needed a vacation.

More women came and went as time passed but I remained.

The minutes went by and eventually, I heard the stall door open, and out came my sister who was understandably very surprised to see me.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, forcing a smile. She seemed more alert, but also somehow ashamed. It was all I needed to proceed.

"You were in there a long time," I said. In truth, I had my suspicions but I didn't want to begin throwing accusations all over the place.

"What are you talking about?" she laughed.

"Rebecca, I know you're hiding something. What is it?" I asked, "What's in your bag?"

"Okay weirdo, none of your business" She started to walk past me and I didn't stop her. Maybe I was just being a weirdo.

Instead, I walked into the stall and looked around for something, anything because I knew she'd never admit it if I had nothing.

"Hey, what are you doing?" She called back to me.

"Why, are you worried?" I called back.

"What is wrong with you?" She returned to meet me at the stall's entrance, "Are you trying to piss everyone off?"

Fuck, that wasn't what I wanted. I loved my sister so much and her erratic behaviour among other things recently had worried me. The last thing I wanted was to upset her.

I was going to apologize until I saw the tiny specks of powder by her nostrils.

"You're doing drugs," I said matter-of-factly.

"What? No" She denied it.

"Stop fucking lying, I see it on your face. Literally." I stepped towards her and she stepped backward. I knew something was going on. I didn't want it to be true but it explained so much.

I watched Rebecca wipe her nose, giving me all the confirmation I needed, "So what? What do you care?"

"Rebecca" I called her name softly.

"What? What?"

"You're high right now" It baffled me how she was acting like it was normal, "You're hanging out with family on a Saturday morning and you're high!"

"Oh my God, I'm not high" she protested, "I mean, this doesn't even qualify--"

"What did you take? Don't lie to me" My disappointment was clearly written on my face.

"Can you calm down?" she asked, "It's nothing bad, just a little bit of Adderall. It's not a big deal"

"Adderall? Don't lie to me"

"I'm not, oh my God. It's just Adderall so can you chill?"

"Let me see your bag" I took another step forward and reached for her bag.

"No" she quickly stepped away.

"Rebecca"

"You're not mum so quit acting like you are"

"I wouldn't have to if you'd stop acting like a child"

Neither one of us said anything for some time after that and the silence quickly became deafening. She looked annoyed but I wasn't backing down.

Rebecca was the first one to make a move when she took her bag off her shoulder and handed it to me.

I looked at the bag and then back at her serious expression before taking it. Inside, I found a pill case filled with round, white pills. Right where the case had been, I found a rolled-up $100 bill with the same powder residue.

I kept the case but handed her bag back to her which she took it forcefully before turning away from me. She was done with the conversation but I wasn't.

"Where do you get this?" I gestured to the pills in my hand, "Why do you even need it?"

She sighed but didn't say anything else.

"Becca" I called her name softly in the same way I used to when we were children, "Why are you taking this stuff? Is there something I don't know? Please you can tell me. You know I'm always here for you"

"Are you?" She turned back to face me.

"What?" I was more than a bit caught off-guard by what she'd just said, "Of course, I am"

"Really?" she stepped forward, "You know nothing about me. I don't need you lecturing me right now"

"Becca, I've always tried my best to be there for you"

"Literally how?" She stared deep into my eyes and I could see the hurt in hers. I could only imagine that everything she was feeling was amplified by what she'd taken only minutes early. "You've missed my entire life. You left me."

"That's not fair" I frowned, "You know what happened"

"I know that you were my best friend and you just disappeared without saying anything to me"

"I--" I was stunned. What could I even say to that? My sister had feelings she'd never shared with me. "I didn't want to leave you, I'm sorry. I just needed to get away from Mum and Dad or else I wouldn't have survived."

She shook her head, "Can we just drop this, please?"

"Becca" I called out to her desperate for her to believe me. She had been so supportive that all that time, I thought she understood why I did what I did. She was the most cheerful person I knew so how could I have seen this coming? "Why didn't you ever say anything?" I asked her.

"And be the asshole that complains when you're already going through so much? Yeah, no thanks"

I felt terrible. Rebecca and I had been inseparable once but I hadn't even given a single thought to her when I left. And of course, I wouldn't have. She was perfect and our parents loved her. Her life was everything I dreamed of. Why would I have ever considered her when she had everything I wanted?

But looking at her in that moment, I could tell how hurt she was by my choices all those years ago. And somehow, she'd kept those feelings hidden for a decade.

"I'm sorry. I'm terrible" I said.

"No, you're not" she pouted, 'Well, maybe a little bit"

"I really am sorry. I'll make it up to you somehow" I told her.

She shook her head, "It's fine. But-- why didn't you ever come to see me? Even when I moved out of here, you never came"

At the time, I didn't know the real reason why so I'd only told her as much. But I think I avoided her just as much as I did my parents. The effortless joy she brought everyone, the unearned beauty that was just given to her from birth. It was all too much to face when I was at my lowest point.

It wasn't something I would have ever acknowledged.

"I don't know. I'm just a terrible sister"

"It's okay," she said to me, "We should probably go, this place stinks"

"Hey, not so fast" I quickly stopped her. However derailed the conversation had gotten, there was still a massive elephant in the room, "I need to know you won't just go out and buy more of this stuff"

"Ruth, I promise it's harmless" she argued, "It just makes me feel better"

"I know it has side effects, or are you going to deny that you have constant headaches?"

"Entirely unrelated" she brushed it off.

"Becca, I can't let you keep taking it" I put my foot down, "I'm sure you're getting it illegally anyway and it can't be good for you"

"Just let it go, oh my God"

"No, and you're going to see a doctor for those headaches. I'll drag you there myself if I have to"

"You and Mum are so alike and you don't even see it," she said with a defeated look about her, "I wonder what that says about you since you hate her so much"

"We're nothing alike, and I don't hate her"

"Right"

"Don't buy anymore--" I warned her. "Or else I'll tell Mum and Dad. Maybe you'll listen to them"

"Okay, whatever"

=^..^=

"Where the hell have you two been?!" Our mother was livid.

"Mum, chill!" Rebecca stepped up, "You'll give yourself wrinkles. It was just some sisterly bonding, right Ruthie?"

My mother turned to me and I gave the only answer I could, "Yeah"

"You kept Agnes waiting," Mum complained, "She's a very busy woman"
Agnes quickly stepped in, "Oh it's perfectly fine. I'm happy to wait for my favorite customer and her beautiful daughters"
"Go, sit. We have a lot to get through before Leah has to leave" My mother hurried me along towards the hairdresser's chair.

While I made my way to sit down, I heard my mother turn her attention to Rebecca, "What are you getting done?"

"Oh, just my nails" she replied.

As Agnes approached me, I grew worried. It had taken me a while to find a style that worked for me and the last thing I wanted was someone messing with that.

"I don't want to cut my hair" I informed her. A line I'd said to my mother many times as a kid without success.

"Oh goodness, I wouldn't dream of it. You have a wonderful head of hair, just a few touches here and there"

"Okay" I replied but I'd have been lying if I said she'd managed to assuage my fears.

"How do you feel about highlights?" She asked as she stepped behind me to inspect my hair and see what she was working with.

"Isn't that a bit young?"

"Oh not at all, I'm sure it would suit you perfectly?"

"If you say so" I reluctantly agreed.

"I promise you'll love it"

And so I sat back and let Agnes work.

She began by shampooing my hair and by the time she got to massaging my scalp, I was already sucked in and enjoying the treatment.

My relaxation allowed my mind to wander. I wondered whether I could trust Rebecca to keep her word. I hoped it truly wasn't a big deal as she claimed but as she'd stated, I didn't really know her.

The few times we'd met over the years, she'd been the one to make the journey. One of those occasions was my wedding day. The memory of the day-- and night caused me to smile.

The rest of my family had been noticeably absent but Matty and Rebecca were more than enough.

"Having fun?" I heard Agnes ask in response to my smile.

I chuckled nervously, "Yeah"

It pained me that I'd never returned the favor of their presence on my important days. I knew I had to do better and from that moment on, I'd make sure to visit Rebecca until she was sick of me.

My mind wandered the entire time Agnes tended to my hair and eventually went to work on my nails but not all of it was good memories.

My mind wandered to a memory I'd tried to forget.

I don't remember how old I was but this was a few months after I first started taking the meds.

My body had only just started to develop with only a few slight changes but I felt supercharged. I felt unstoppable and for the first time, I felt things would be alright.

I felt brave.

I'd told my parents I was going out with friends and my parents had had one of the drivers drop me off that night. They'd taken it as a positive sign because I'd been such a loner up till that point with my only friends being my siblings. They were ecstatic.

What they didn't know was that there were still no friends to speak of.

The driver had dropped me off at the mall as planned and I would call him later that night to pick me up.

I'd gone into one of the restrooms at the mall and changed into the girls' clothes I had in my bag. I had everything figured out.

This was long before I passed as a woman so I was terrified, but also very excited to walk the streets dressed as my true self.

At the start, everything had gone without a hitch. The way the skirt felt on my bare, hairless legs was just divine and I would have felt that every day if I could.

The long brown wig was of good quality, but I hadn't been able to style it, so it wasn't exactly ideal. Regardless, no one batted an eye. Whether that would have remained the case in daylight was anyone's guess.

It had gone perfectly until I ran into a group of four boys leaning on a car. I had been so caught up in my euphoria, that I'd strayed into a particularly dark area without any concern.

"What's up, cutie?" One of them had called out to me and immediately my heart began beating twice as fast.

I thought my best bet was to ignore them so I had done just that. I kept my head low with the wig covering most of my face and kept walking.

"We're talking to you" I heard another say.

"Leave me alone" I replied. Despite my lengthy practice, what came out was mostly falsetto.

"Oh don't be like that, come say hello" One of the boys pushed off the car and started in my direction.

I'd never turned around so quickly.

"Shy little bitch, aren't you?" I heard him say.

"How old are you?"

"Fourteen" I'd lied hoping that would make them leave me alone.

"That's okay, we're the same age" he replied and the others had found something funny about it.

"I just want to go home, please leave me alone" I'd pleaded.

"Yeah sure, I'll walk you home" he hurried up to cut me off and before I knew it, I was between all four boys. "Go ahead and look at me, pretty girl"

His hand moved to push the wig out of my face and I was too scared to move. I knew I was in trouble.

I was too scared to even pretend anymore, I just said in my normal boy voice, "Please just let me go, I'm sorry"

"What the fuck?!" The boy jumped a little in shock.

"Oh shit," another exclaimed and started laughing. Before I knew it, they were all laughing at me.

"Fucking hell, are you a boy?"

"What are you some kind of--"

"Carly, you made it!" Rebecca's voice sprung me back to reality.

I listened in silence as she greeted everyone. Some of the fear I felt that night had returned and suddenly I felt like I had back then, helpless and traumatized.

Those boys had let me go eventually but not before pulling the wig off my head and taking pictures with their old, shitty phones.

For days, I was terrified that those pictures of me looking like a boy wearing girls' clothes would surface and go viral but it never happened.

Suffice it to say I never went out dressed like a girl again until long after I ran away from home.

=^..^=

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Hiya! I haven't been able to write as often as I'd like due to work but anyway hope you enjoyed this chapter. Leave a comment :)