Over the last two weeks since they’ve let me sit outside, well, I would love to say they were a whirlwind of excitement and activity, but instead they were pretty much the same every day. Each morning I was measured, everyday there were a least two test procedures carried out, and still no answers. The only bright spot, and I do mean only, is that every couple of days I would bump into the hot teacher outside, and while he still gave me a lady boner as Jackie put it, the wetness was less intense now. But the throbbing, my god, that seemed to last for an hour afterwards.

Annette wanted me to talk about men and how I feel about them, but I really wasn't ready for that, just telling her that I was aware that some things had changed and I want to process it myself before we talk about it. Besides, they might suddenly find the cure and lady boners won’t be the boners I’m worried about, but at least those types of boners aren’t so obvious when they happen in public.

My lack of activity had been playing on my mind, so I started doing yoga in my room each morning after being measured. I had asked if I could use the staff gym, but they were quite reluctant to let me do too much just yet, so I looked on YouTube and found some videos and just did that instead. I was surprised I got a bit of sweat on from them, but probably more surprised about my flexibility. The later at least had a medical explanation in that everything had changed and was now younger and more supple, but I’m very close to doing the full box splits, just a couple of inches keeping me off the ground completely.

On the Thursday I was walking back into the ward ready for the evening meal and hoping to get a couple of minutes to change my underwear first thanks to the hot teacher making me laugh a little too much and my lady boner was in full flow, but Jackie waved to me and started heading for my room as well. She told me to sit down, the consultant is just doing some paperwork but wants to talk to me. I had a sudden fear attack and turned to face her, but she was trying very hard to suppress a smile.

I said, “What is it?”

She just shook her head, and I looked at her with as big eyes as I could and she laughed saying, “I’m a nurse, do you really think that look works on me?”

So instead I tried to use some guile to get her to talk, asking about her day, complementing her hair and manicure, but she kept smiling and shaking her head dropping in ‘you need to wait’, just to let me know she knew what I was doing.

God I hate her sometimes.

After about ten minutes, the consultant came in and said, “Hello Lew, how are you feeling today?”

Seriously, he’s seen me twice today already and asked that while taking blood and other samples both times! Doctors eh.

I said, “Well, the same as I was this morning, afternoon and yesterday, I guess.”

He smiles, mostly to himself. “Well, that’s certainly true. Did you know you haven’t grown in the last two weeks?”

I looked at him and then Jackie, who just nodded at me with a smile, and he went on, “Of course, we are nowhere nearer to any answers, so while it’s good news, you are still under observation and testing will continue for the foreseeable future as we have no idea if you have stabilised or not.”

My heart broke. Not only do they still not know if they can fix me, I’m still a virtual prisoner. In the sense of not being a prisoner and not being stupid enough to not listen to them.

He said, “But, I do appreciate you’ve been stuck here for a while and you need things. So as Jackie here isn’t working this weekend, she has volunteered to be with you when you go home and pick up what you need.”

I took a deep breath in excitement, thinking if nothing else I can actually visit my home, if not stay there overnight, pick up some things, put some washing on and so many other things to think about. He then got Jackie to talk through what I was allowed to do and not do, what times I was allowed out and so on so I could work out as many details as possible. But the next day I was making a long list of the things I needed to buy. I really needed some more clothes as the leggings I had were in danger of falling apart, more jumpers, maybe a jacket as sometimes I get cold outside, definitely some better fitting shoes.

That evening I ran a razor over myself to make sure I had no stubble on my legs, under my arms or down there, and struggled to get to sleep. It really was too exciting for me, but after my measurements in the morning, I was dressed and waiting at the pick up area for Jackie to arrive. I insisted on paying the cab fare when it dropped us off at my apartment building. Once we were in, I put the kettle on to make us both a cup of tea (Jackie picked up some milk on the way here), went into my bedroom and fell back on my bed.

If I hadn’t been so happy to be outside of hospital for just a few hours, I would have wrapped myself up in the duvet and slept. I could hear Jackie moving about in the kitchen and shortly she appeared at the door asking where the trash chute was and holding a bag of what must have been left in the fridge all this time. I had asked my solicitor to check the post once a week, but never thought to mention the fridge.

I helped her sort the mess out, and we sat and drank the tea while I tried to create a plan for the day, where to pick up what, and be in and out of each shop as quick as possible, suggesting a pub lunch before we went back. She had other ideas.

“Firstly, no to the pub. You can’t have alcohol, even your diet is being monitored carefully so I’ve put your approved lunch in your fridge for later. Secondly, I know you’re not happy about this, but we’re two women out shopping, we don’t do things hard and fast like men, we take our time and select what we want, not to mention what we will never wear just because the light in the changing room is flattering. Anyway, you have no idea of your sizes so you will have to try things on first, so there is no quick in and out as you hope.”

I knew she was right, but I couldn't help but sulk a little bit and was kinda hoping she would stop being a nurse for just a little bit, but not today. I was never left alone for a second, but one funny thing almost happened. When we stopped at the toilets I started to walk towards the wrong door, only to be pulled gently to the correct one. It was just habit really, I’ve been in that one enough times to just head for it, and at least in that one there isn’t a queue, no matter how short.

Back at my apartment I dropped off the things I had purchased, looking at my new girls clothes and wondering why women enjoy shopping so much. I also took my now clean clothes out the washing machine and put them in the dryer so once we finished lunch I would be good to go back and looked for a bag to take things back with me. Of course I had put all my bags on top of the wardrobe and couldn't reach them anymore, but could see inside and the one that Sarah had left behind.

It was a lot more feminine than any of mine, but I could reach it and looking like I did it was no big deal, so I grabbed it and looked inside. There wasn’t much in it, an old pair of trainers, a couple of sanitary pads, so I chucked the shoes aside and left the pads where they were. They might useful to me these days. I took out the jumpers I had picked up without trying on and Jackie walked in and asked me why I didn’t try them on in the shop.

“They’re jumpers, they will fit and be good enough”. She suggested I try the grey one on now, so I took off my hoody and picked it up, slipping it on and looked at her, saying, ‘see, it fits’.

She said, “You know you now own four dresses, right?”

I looked again and it was long, but I thought it was meant to be so I had a look in the mirror and it came down to about mid thigh. I looked back at her and started to say, “So what, it’s long so…”

But she jumped in saying, “It’s a dress. Take off your leggings and look again.”

So I pulled them down and looked in the mirror and yes, it was clearly a dress. I’m not only wearing a dress (it’s really comfortable by the way), I had also picked up three others like it.

She said, “Try it with your jacket.”

I put that on and looked again. I mean, what I saw shouldn’t have been a surprise, I’ve looked at myself enough in the mirror recently but what I saw looking back at me wasn’t what I expected. I said, “I look so young.”

Jackie gave me a reassuring smile and said, “Right now, yes. But not always, I mean you still look young, but sometimes you carry yourself like you’re older. Sometimes I forget there’s a man who just retired in there, other times it’s like why does this old man look so young?”

I looked at her and was about to say something but looked back at my reflection. For the immediate future I need to accept this, but then a thought occurred to me.

“Hey, guess what?” I asked her.

“I have to strip three or four times a day, if I wear this it will make my life a lot simpler.”

Jackie smiled and said, “Typical man, always trying to fix things when you can just let them resolve themselves.”

But it is a pain taking off the leggings and them turning inside out each time, if I wear this I can just pull it over my head and get on with my day. Ok, it might not save a huge amount of time, but it will make things easier. I’m not sure I could wear one outside the hospital just yet, but for practical reasons I will go this for now.

I joined Jackie in the living room and we sat down to drink our tea, and she said, “Oi! That’s not very ladylike.”

I had no idea what she was on about but she pointed at my legs and I looked down, confused even more. “Oh for christ sake! Keep your knees together.”

I started laughing, and closed my legs, but of course they kept coming apart, and Jackie would clap her hands together to indicate I needed to shut them, and that went on all while we drank tea and I had my pre-approved lunch, pointing out I’ve been eating from the hospital shop for a few days now without them noticing.

She said, “We know, we’ve literally been checking your blood and everything for weeks, but out here right now we do need to be careful and if you can’t keep your legs shut I have another idea to help you learn.”

I snapped them shut and asked what her what she meant.

“Ok, stand up, and take the dress off.”

So I did just that, standing there in my underwear and she said, “Ok, now drop them and put the dress back on.”

I said, “What on earth are you on about?”

“Take your knickers off, then put the dress back on and see how long it takes you to know you need to keep your knees together.”

I gave her a look and picked up my dress, saying, “You know, I could have taken them off and left the dress on.”

She laughed, telling me she knew that perfectly well, but wanted to teach me a lesson in that if I’m going to flash, I may as well do it properly. I picked up a cushion and threw it at her, putting the dress back on and pulling my underpants off, dropping them on the floor and said, “I really don’t see what difference this will make.”

And I sat down and instantly got her point, even though I was controlling my movements my knees were still a little bit apart, and even though she’s seen me naked loads of times, I was still very aware of being almost on display.

“Ok, point taken.”

And my knees stayed together, but I wasn’t prepared to wear the dress back to the hospital, going back in my leggings with my clean clothes, new clothes and dresses in the bag. Once back in my room, it felt a little less like a prison, I felt a little less claustrophobic in there, and looking out the window at the park I felt I had a strong case for them letting me walk out there once a day soon.

The following day after all my daily measurements, I looked at the grey dress and decided to go with that, getting some compliments from a couple of the nurses which made me feel quite nice to be honest. When I was walking back from a morning examination, I made a mental note to get a small bag so I could at least carry some things, mainly my phone and some money. But in the afternoon I decided to go without my knickers as while I was waiting this morning I did find myself manspreading for a moment.

And while sitting there waiting in the afternoon with no panties on, I was also aware of how I was sitting, not just my legs being together but I was sitting more upright, unconsciously trying to do whatever I could to stop anyone looking up there, even crossing my legs and keeping my hands in my lap. When I told Annette a couple of hours later (who told me her daughter has a similar dress), she said while she didn’t approve of going commando, she understood the reasons for why.

I said, “There’s another advantage, wearing this makes my life a bit simpler when getting underdressed all the time, and I’m thinking during the day I’m going without all underwear, no bra, no panties, just because it’s so annoying putting them on and taking them off all the time.”

“Well, I hope you won’t go outside like that?” She was smiling as she said it, but also pointed out that some of my complaints about wearing bras are the same ones her daughters had when they started wearing them.

“But that’s the thing, they expected to wear them, I never expected any of this.”

She sat next to me on the bed and said, “I know, and you might not think it but you’re doing really well. This can’t be easy.”

Without even thinking I rested my head on her shoulder and said thanks once again. After she left I did get changed back into leggings and hoody and went out for a cigarette and a coffee, seeing my hot teacher friend. He stills gives me a lady boner, but our conversation which started as just being cordial, have moved on quite a bit.

He teaches Biology, which of course is suddenly interesting to me, but we talked about so much more, films, books, a surprising amount of history, some of the places we’ve both been, how we both love the National Gallery in London, not to mention Tate Modern. I’m not stupid enough to think he’s a friend, I mean, yes my body seems to fancy the pants of him, but I am a realist.

Today we talked about The Count of Monte Cristo, one of my favourite books and that he has just started to read, while he had got me reading more Shakespeare and currently working my way through Much Ado About Nothing. But as always, our time talking is cut short when he needs to go and deliver a mini lesson. I watched him walk off, daydreaming about things that only a few weeks ago would have really worried me, but now I seem to quite like having.

Back in my room I was looking for a much needed change of underwear and I put the now damp pair in a side pocket to wash later. But there was already something already in there, something that Sarah must have forgotten about and I wasn’t quite sure what to do about it. I mean, I could text her, but she might not want me to know she left them at mine. I reached in to take them out, but stopped and looked at the door. It was always open wide during the day unless the medical staff were in here, and I was worried if someone would see me.

Instead, I just handled them inside the pocket. The batteries were dead in the vibrator. It was about four inches long, not that thick but of course by now I’m well aware that it’s not designed to be thick and filling, the pleasure it gives comes from something else.

But the other item, well, that was designed to be filling, and with it’s suction base made for hands free use. I tried working out how big it was, estimating the bit that goes in to be at least six inches long and a good thickness. Ok, I need to know a bit more, see it a bit more clearly. Let the dog see the rabbit so to speak. ‘Oh, a rabbit, I’ve heard of them at least’ I thought to myself. I took the bag into the bathroom and locked the door, taking it out and holding it, then running it under the tap as the bag is quite dusty.

I was nervous, embarrassed and wondering what to do next…

The next day Jackie was back on duty, and I did go without a bra and commando in my dark blue jumper dress. I think she noticed as on her break she said ‘lets get a coffee’, teasing me by suggesting we take the stairs rather than the lift.

Once we sat at a table with out coffee, she said, “You seem a lot more relaxed wearing that. And it’s good to see you took my advice and are keeping your knees together.”

I flipped a finger at her, and we just chatted away like, well, like two girls together. But going back to the ward, I did need to walk up the stairs as there were loads of people waiting to use the lift, and I was squeezing my legs together to try and keep covered.

The next day I was walking along the corridor to get a coffee as I had no examinations this afternoon, thinking to myself I will get a few more dresses if they let me out this weekend, maybe even get fitted for a bra so I don’t always have to pull it over my head when I put it on, when I saw someone. Someone I really didn’t expect to see, to at least, not see this early on Wednesday.

It was the hot teacher, and I was in a dress for a change. I instantly crossed my arms, afraid of my my nipples betraying me as now I wasn’t wearing any underwear during the day and he says, “Hello, this makes a change seeing you inside. Trying to make a break for it?”

Why does he have to make me laugh each time!

He was heading down for a coffee having got here earlier today and asked me if I was getting one as well. I sort of stumbled a bit over my words for a change, mainly because I was in a dress and while covered, feeling exposed a bit, but the basic gist of it was I was going to get one as well. We sat down outside and he gave me a cigarette saying, “I’m still not sure I believe you’re old enough to have one?”

I bit my lip, wondering what I should say. I opted for, “How old do you think I am?”

He looked at me and said, “Well, when I first saw you smoking I thought you were about 13, but you said you were older. Sometimes you do look 13 or 14, but then others you look like maybe 19. When I saw you just now you looked 18, but then looked nervous and 13/14 again.”

He takes a sip of his coffee, clearly trying to think about what to say next. “Then when I talk to you, you don’t talk like a teenager in any way at all, like you’re old before your years, a lot older before your years, knowing a lot more about the world than I would have expected. It’s confusing sometimes.”

I nod and sip my coffee, trying to work out what to say next.

“Ok, I’m not going to tell you my age. But I will tell you why I’m in hospital.”

I take a drag on the cigarette and a sip of my coffee. “So, you definitely read about me in the news recently and…”

I told him all about what happened to me. He sat there and listened, only occasionally asking questions to help fill in any blanks I was missing, and when I finished speaking he sat there quietly before saying, “Shit, this must be really hard on you.”

I was expecting him to get up and walk away, but instead he put his hand on mine and said, “I hope you are as ok as you can be, and thank you for trusting me with this.”

Why didn’t he just get up and walk away? Why does he have to be so nice about this? He really isn't helping my teenage crush, and why am I having teenage crushes still! Puberty sucks when you go through it for the second time.

Anyway, after telling him, other than saying it explains so much about me now, we just chatted about things like we normally do. And then he added, “I will tell you one thing, you switched back to looking like an 18 year old again. It’s like your confidence came back. It’s nice to see.”

He paused for a couple of seconds, saying, “And as you’re not one of my students I no longer feel worried about someone accusing me of trying to groom you by giving you cigarettes!”

I burst out laughing, and slapped him lightly on the arm, “Like a cigarette and coffee would work on me!”

But the truth is that it was working on me, it started working on me the moment he smiled at me in the lift, and now I’m flipping from a teenage crush one moment, to a more adult ‘liking’ and back to the crush. After going our separate ways and I headed back to my room. I went straight to my bag, took it into the bathroom and locked the door. I felt no guilt or conflicting emotions as I took the dildo out, stuck it on the wall of the shower and gathered my dress around my waist.

I needed to adjust the height a couple of times, but there was no fear about putting something so masculine shaped inside me. I was tight, not surprising really, but I didn’t need any lube as hot teacher sorted that out for me. I felt my self open up as it entered me slowly, I didn't want to rush this and I pushed back slowly as it went deeper in me.

This was about curiosity, I wanted to know what it felt like to have a man shaped object inside, not the odd gloved finger and speculum of an examination, something designed to give sexual pleasure and once it was fully in me, or at least as deep as I think it could go in this body, I just stood there and relaxed while savouring the feeling.

It felt good inside me.

I had no idea how long I had in me, but I moved back and forth on it, feeling the ridges of the lifelike thing inside me as it moved inside my vagina. My vagina, my pussy. I was wrapped around it and just enjoying the moment.

Which came crashing down when I heard someone put a tray of food on the table in my room.

I moved forward to slide it out of me, but right at the tip I pushed back, doing that a couple of times before I forced myself to stop. I unstuck it from the wall and ran it under tap before I put it back in the bag, looking at myself in the mirror, my face flushed a little and dress around my waist, my pussy slick with wetness. I quickly wiped myself down and smoothed out my dress, going to have my meal.

Annoyingly, Jackie walked in at that moment to say bye as she was heading home, but then she stopped as she looked at my flush face and said, “Well, I guess you’ve been talking to someone tonight.” And her eyes flicked to the bathroom and I wondered if the room smelled of sex from my mini masturbation session. She never said anything, but she did pull the door almost shut as she left, so while I doubt she knows what I did, she probably thinks I was doing something more digitally based.

That happens in the shower each evening before bed.

The next day I did put my underwear on under my dress, but found I was much better at keeping my knees together now, and more aware of my posture, how I was moving and sitting. But on Friday of week six, right after seeing hot teacher and feeling a bit more confident in how I was, I took my panties off when I got back in my room, and rather than just riding the dildo in the shower, I just wanted to feel something nice inside me, I pulled the door almost shut, I gathered up my dress, pulled my pants off, slipped it into me gently and sat on the bed, just wanting to be filled and enjoy it while I was reading a somewhat erotic part of a book specially selected for this very reason.

Maybe twenty minutes passed in this gentle and soft enjoyable time, I was moving a little bit of up and down, not frantic or long strokes, just slow shallow ones every now and then during juicy bits, when Jackie walked in.

I froze, worried I was flushed, but she came along to say bye in case she doesn’t get a chance later as her boyfriend was picking her up, and that tomorrow they were letting me out on my own as they know can trust me not to be stupid. I squealed in delight, then froze for two reasons. Firstly, I squeezed down there and it felt quite nice, and secondly, I squealed in excitement like a girl. Well, I’m sitting on a dildo and rubbing my legs together to tickle my clit.

Jackie said, “I’m glad you’re excited about it. The timings are the same, you can leave at ten am, but need to be back by four pm. You get a whole six hours to relax, or do some washing and pick up any stuff you need.”

I wanted to get up and hug her in thanks, but of course I was stuck in place, impaled so to speak. But she added, “Oh, get up for a bit I’m going to change your sheets now, I didn’t get a chance earlier.”

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit! What the fuck do I do now, this was such a stupid idea I should have waited till much later tonight. Jackie tapped my feet and told me to move and all I could do was try to hold it in place with muscles I didn’t yet know how to use. I moved to the edge of the bed, trying to pull the dress down behind me so it’s less obvious what I’m doing, and so far I can feel the dildo moving with me. Maybe this will work.

I stood up carefully, gripping it with all my strength, if I actually have any strength down there that is.

What actually happened is the moment I stood up I squeezed it out of me, and it dropped to the floor from between my legs and landing with a plop as the suction cap struck the floor. I was bright red, and Jackie stifled a laugh very quickly, moving to the door and shutting it completely, and rushing over to give me a hug. She whispered into my ear, “Don’t be embarrassed, it’s normal.”

And while holding me she moved me so we both sat on the bed, saying, “Two questions, did you enjoy it, and how on earth did you get it?”

Now I could laugh a little, telling her that if it’s something she enjoys, then she already knows my answer, and how I found it in the bag. Before she got to say anything else, her phone dinged with a text message and she said, “Shit, he’s here. Quick, give me a hand.” And I helped her change the sheets and she reminded me to pick up the dildo from the floor before she gave me a kiss on the cheek, saying that we will continue this conversation very soon.

After she left I wasn’t in the mood to read, let alone the other thing after that.

Saturday when I was allowed out, I got a cab home, put some washing on and just sat there enjoying a small taste of freedom and being by myself and unobserved all the time. My future was still weighing on my mind, but it was easier to focus on my immediate needs rather than my long term future, so I hit the shops to take my mind off it. While looking for some other trainers, I did giggle to myself about doing some retail therapy.

But I now had a pair that fit me now and I wasn’t so worried about them slipping off every time I needed to rush. Back at my apartment and wondering what I will do next, I looked at the new trainers admiring them, plain white as I still can’t generate opinions about colours or fashion, but I did like the thicker sole that gave me a bit more height (I now know that it’s a platform), and the raised heel (Yes, it’s a wedge style but not very high, just a bit higher).

Anyway, washing done and bits and pieces picked up, I went back to hospital and that evening I took my bag back into the bathroom, stuck the dildo on the wall and put the new batteries in the vibrator. It was time to learn a lot more about my new body, no matter how temporary it may be.

I had a very good time in there!

During the day I was always in a jumper dress and fully commando to make life simpler, and other than that one day with hot teacher, I still wasn’t ready to go solo outside in a dress. I talked to Annette about it, and finally admitted to getting to getting to know my body, which lead to a very funny conversation where we compared what we both liked, and that while some things were similar, others were different. I like a gentle clockwise rotation around my clit while being penetrated and she prefers a more vigorous rubbing of it.

I would have felt weird knowing that from her a few weeks ago, but confessing that you like that while having a dildo in you kinda takes the embarrassment away. I had a similar chat with Jackie, and well, she really surprised me in what she likes. But she was a sneaky cow as always, and opened the door to my bathroom while I was at it, fully naked pushing back on the dildo and trying to not to make any noise. Stepping away from it and feeling it slide out of me right in front of her, well, even that wasn’t as embarrassing as processing what she had told me.

On the Saturday when they let me out again, Jackie was free and came with me. Once back at my apartment and the weekly wash was on, she said, “How often are you masturbating?”

“Um, at least once a day I think, sometimes more. I’ve never quite made it to orgasm, or at least, while I enjoy it and each time it builds up, I’ve only ever got close and not had one yet.”

I looked at her sitting there as she said nothing, forcing me to go on.

“It’s really frustrating in so many ways. I mean, It’s like I still have my old sex drive, but now in a body that takes longer to get to the finish. And not only that, there’s times when a guy smiles at me and I just want to pull them into a room and jump them, just to know if it feels as good as I imagine it to.”

She still says nothing and I have no idea what I should say next. I’ve mentioned this a little bit to Annette, well, apart from wanting to jump guys. Jackie says, “So, you know I’m a swinger, right?”

I nod and she says, “Well, swinging still isn’t the right word, it’s more like a semi open relationship with occasional meet ups with a few others. Anyway, and don’t get mad about this, but I mentioned some of what you’re going through to my boyfriend.”

I’m confused, and she can see it in my face.

She says, “Do you want to borrow him? Today I mean.”

My jaw hits the floor. She can’t be serious, I mean, I’m a guy, I’m not interested in men. But then I see my reflection, my leggings are showing that I’m very much not a man, and my boobs make that even clearer. But I am still a guy in my head and not interested in men.

But why do I call him ‘Hot Teacher’?

I look back at her.

My jaw hits the floor. She can’t be serious, I mean, I’m a guy, I’m not interested in men. But then I see my reflection, my leggings are showing that I’m very much not a man, and my boobs make that even clearer. But I am still a guy in my head and not interested in men.

I look back at her.

She smiles at me, she can see I already know the answer to the question, but I’m still not sure. Well, that’s not true, I am sure, I am very curious, but there’s still this little voice in the back of my head telling me that it’s wrong.

Jackie stands up and says, “Look, you can just meet him to see what you think, you don’t have to go through with it, but it’s pretty clear to me that you’re going to end up doing it anyway. At least this way, you know you’re not going to regret doing it with some creep.”

I really don’t know, but she hands me my jacket and puts hers on. I seem to be on autopilot, and just go along with her, sitting in the cab there and feeling really nervous about even meeting a guy this way. Jackie is clearly texting him and saying we’re headed there, but I was elsewhere in my head.

There was a lot of things that, well, lets face it are based on my old thoughts and feelings, but I also can’t deny I really enjoy the feeling of the dildo inside me. And while I enjoy it and feel satisfied afterwards, there’s also something missing. I still haven’t had an orgasm and it’s not like I’m not aware of how good they are meant to be. I would like to enjoy that at least once.

Jackie took my hand and walked me into her flat, not really needing to sense my nervousness about this. She might be used to having multiple partners at once, even looking across and seeing her boyfriend with other women while she’s with other men, but I guess I’ve always had a boring and simple sex life compared to her.

Walking into the living room, she said, “Honey, we’re here.”

I followed her in, feeling very, very nervous and ready to bolt, but there is a guy, not bad looking in the process of standing up and wearing a bathrobe. She said, “This is Lew. Lew, this is Ron.”

I reached out to shake his hand, I mean, that’s what I would normally do and I have no idea what the etiquette is for this type of thing. He took my hand and shook it gently, saying hello and my nerves were at an all time high. He looks at Jackie and said, “You never said she was cute, I mean, are you sure she used to be that guy?”

I was about to open my mouth to say something, but she told him I was, that I’m actually 58, even taking my wrist to show him the plastic hospital bracelet for him to read. He said, “Oh, it’s Lew, not Lou. That makes sense. Sorry, I was expecting a much older looking woman.”

Jackie laughed and said, “Lew has worked very hard to keep that bit of information out of the news, so please keep her secret.”

He looked me up and down again, and then I noticed something going on with him. I wasn’t aware of it earlier, but it’s there and, well, growing at a rate that I was expecting it to poke through the robe any second. Jackie saw it, and looked at him with a raised eyebrow, and he said, “So, um. I was expecting someone a bit more, well, ugly. So just in case I took one of our weekend pills.”

I had no idea what he was on about, other than me not looking 58 of course, so when Jackie saw my confusion, she said, “Cialis”.

I still had no idea, so she said, “It’s like viagra, but lasts longer and normally saved for our parties.” And she gave him a look to say she wasn’t happy about him doing that.

Anyway, we sat there for a few minutes, and I was feeling more awkward than I wanted to admit, now wondering if even agreeing to come here was a mistake, when Jackie took my hand and said to follow her, taking me into what looked like their spare bedroom. She sat me down, told me to stay and left, coming back a moment later with Ron in tow, sat him down on the bed next to me and said, “I’m leaving you two alone for a bit.” Then looking at me said, “It’s up to you what happens next.”

And she walked out, leaving me in there with her boyfriend, who is now poking out of his robe ever so slightly. I was trying not to looks at it, but I obviously did and he said, “Sorry, I guess this is really awkward for both of us.” And he adjusted his robe to cover it up.

I must have made a face as he said, “Sorry, were you looking?”

And while I was trying to shake my head to say no, it was pretty obvious I was, I mean, I’ve never been this close to one that hard that wasn't attached to me. He smiled and said, “I’ll tell you what, I’m ok with you looking.”

And he stood up, undoing the belt and taking it off, letting the robe drop to the floor. He stood there in more ways than one, and I couldn’t take my eyes off it. “Is this the first one you’ve seen.”

So, it most definitely was the first one I’ve seen, and I was staring at it intently, mouth slightly open and I couldn't put a word in my mouth, so I just nodded and kept looking. He sat back down next to me, and said, “Why don’t you take your jacket off?”

I took it off, still looking at his erect penis, I mean, I’ve been thinking about them a lot recently, more so since I started using the dildo and he was about the same size, maybe a bit thicker than my toy. Anyway, he suggested I just relax, be here in the same place as someone with a erection, and he asked me about what my previous job was.

Slowly I started to talk more, answering his questions with actual details rather than single words, but my eyes were very fixed on his, well, his cock. Soft ones are a penis, but hard ones, hard ones you can’t take your eyes off as you watch it move with every one of his heartbeats, they are cocks.

He suggested I kick my trainers off, and strangely I was worried about looking a bit shorter if we stood up, but they were kicked off. I said, “Ok, I have no idea what will happen next, but I am used to being naked.”

I did stand up, took my tee shirt off, and then my CK bra, and before I got too scared and bottled it, I pulled down my leggings and pants, kicking them off and sitting back down next to him, forcing myself not to fold my arms. I looked at him, his face that is, and said, “I’m nervous”.

He told me that is completely understandable, and he picked up my hand, gently stroking the back of it with his thumb, trying to help me stay relaxed. I was still quite nervous, not quite freaking out but also enjoying the moment. Normally I’m the only one naked in a room at any time, now I’m not alone, and at least in this respect I feel comfortable. I start looking at his cock again, wondering if I should reach out to hold it or not, so I look at his face to ask permission.

His hand comes up to my face and turns me towards him as he leans in for a kiss. Out lips almost touch but I pull away. “Sorry, I’m not sure I’m ready to kiss a man just yet”. He smiles and tells me it’s ok, we will move at my speed, so I ask, “Can I, you know, touch it?”

His hand runs gently from my face down my neck, barely touching me as his hand slides over my shoulder and down my arm, taking my hand and moving it towards his hardness, stopping a few inches away and letting go of me. I hovered there, and he was giving me permission to take the final step. It was difficult, I sort of stayed there for a while, not going forward and touching it, wondering if I could, but I also didn’t move away, so just thought to myself, ‘get it over with, you want this.’

I wrapped my hand around it, holding him gently and slowly moved my fingers up and down, feeling the length of it, how it was both hard and soft at the same time. It was time to man up, I could feel how wet and ready I was down there, so I let go and moved over on the bed, laying on my back with my legs apart just enough to invite him to join me. He did.

He moves so he is above me, his hard cock pointing towards me, and then lays down, keeping all his weight off me while ensuring there is contact everywhere. I open my legs wider and I feel him touch me down there for the first time and now I know I am ready for this. He lifts his chest up from me, and bends down and licks a nipple and my body goes wild with desire. He knows I want this now, and he moves his hips forward, and the tip of his cock is pressing against me, trying to find it’s way in. I reach down and take hold of him, lining him up and the tip is now right at the entrance and he senses it, pushing forward gently and the head of his cock goes in me.

My eyes open wide as they roll backwards and I moan in pleasure.

The first cock inside me feels amazing and I look at him, he can see that I am happy and he starts to move deeper into me. I reach and put one hand behind his neck and pull him down towards me.

I needed to be kissed.

He was gentle, loving and perfect as my first. He felt even better than the dildo, hot hard flesh moving inside you feels great, I loved the way I felt full with him in there, And kissing, wow! Who knew it could be that great to kiss a man, especially a man who was inside you at the same time. I might not have been completely in the moment, but there was a part of my mind wondering if I’ve been missing out in the past by not enjoying this as often as I could.

I was riding a wave of pleasure, trying to keep focused to the new feelings I was having when I realised that he was going to beat me to it. His breathing changed and his pace went from trying to give me pleasure to getting there for himself. He pressed into me and I felt him twitching inside me as he pumped into me.

Did I feel it? Well, yes and no. You can’t feel anything beyond the twitching and a slight enlargement of his cock inside you. Oh, and a wetness, more wet than it was before.

Anyway, we lay there together and he went to climb off me but I wrapped my arms and legs around him to keep him in me for a bit longer. And then there was a gentle knock on the door and Jackie opened it, poking her head round asking “How are you getting on in there? Oh, you’re literally in there I guess.”

She’s clearly comfortable talking to people when they have sex, even if it’s her boyfriend, but I said, “It’s ok, you can come in. We just finished and are laying here together.”

She knelt down by the bed and said, “Together, or together together?”

He said the latter and she asked me how I felt. “We’ll, I was very nervous and scared to even kiss him, but we kissed, once he was inside me that is.”

I gave him a quick kiss and said, “I like it a lot.”

She laughed and told him to pull out or the condom might spill, and I exchanged a look with him. Jackie said, “Oh no, you didn’t did you? Ron you promised!”

I began apologising profusely, that it was all my fault I should have been more aware of what I was doing, but just got carried away with myself. He apologised saying the same as well, and she told him off for not thinking about me, and me for not thinking about the risk of pregnancy. We both sat there meekly and embarrassed as Jackie lectured us and she was absolutely right about the whole thing. I said, “You’re right, I do need to be careful, I always was in the past, I need to be better in the future.”

She looked at me like she was disappointed with me, and I said, “But it did feel really nice.”

And she started to laugh saying I had an hour before we had to leave, so I had better be careful and enjoy the next sixty minutes. And I did. I quite enjoyed riding him cowgirl, and while as a man I never particularly enjoyed doggy as I always like physical contact of body on body and there’s not a lot of that in doggy, but as a girl it feels amazing! There was one other good thing that happened, I finally had my orgasm as a girl, while riding and grinding on him.

Jackie made me take a shower before we left and suggested a douche just in case there was any cum left in me, pointing out that it might be too late and a difficult conversation might happen in a couple of weeks. Anyway, I picked up my washing and got a cab back to hospital as Jackie said she had no intention of wasting the Cialis so he had better expect to be sore by morning.

The next week was a repeat of the previous, apart from the sex of course, although I found I had less of a desire to use the toys now, wondering if like in Toy Story they come alive when I’m not looking and wondering why I don’t play with them all the time anymore. I was now allowed to go for a walk in the park opposite, not too far, but at least I got to stretch my legs each day. And of course, I was still talking to hot teacher, but now my lady boner was under a bit more control thanks to Ron.

The following weekend I was allowed out by myself on the Saturday and after putting my washing on, I went shopping. I think at this point I was a lot more comfortable being a woman, well, girl, and so while shopping I decided to get some different clothes. Basically, I brought some teeshirts and actual jumpers this time, plus a couple of dresses and a denim skirt.

I actually own skirt I paid for myself, tried on, rejected, tried on several others and then went back to buy the first one I rejected. My god, I’m shopping like a girl now. I even looked at some lingerie, but wasn’t really sure what I wanted to buy, so decided to leave that till next week and to do some research to work out what I might like to buy and what to wear.

The next day being a Sunday, I only had a measurements in the morning and no other tests, so I went for a walk in the park, but not too far as it rained, but I did enjoy being out there. One of the nurses lent me an umbrella, something I had never used in my entire life as I didn’t see the point in them, but without any waterproofs to wear I had little choice. I’ve always enjoyed walking in the rain, no one ever bothers anyone else as they are too busy trying to stay dry, and all the umbrella did for me was keep my head and shoulders dry.

And that was something else I would need to add to my shopping list if I ever get released, some proper walking gear so I can get out in the countryside, assuming that is something they would let me do if they can’t fix me. While walking I was thinking about the sex with Ron. There’s no denying I enjoying it a lot, and Jackie has been sneaking in pregnancy tests for me to do every couple of days. I understand why she was so worried, how exactly would we explain it away without her getting in trouble? I kept telling her I would say I hooked up with some random guy on a day out if it does happen, keeping her name out of it, but it did make me wonder about my future.

Firstly, if I get out and they can’t change me back, do I want to be a mother? I had never wanted to be a father so will I want this new option? Also, if I can change back, could I reject the idea of sex with me in the future? I really enjoyed it and it was so much better than being with a woman, will I still be attracted to men if I get changed back?

And what if they find out how to do it and give me the choice, do I take it?

More questions for another day, but I still don’t want to tell Annette I lost my virginity just yet.

Anyway, as I headed back in, I bumped into hot teacher and we chatted for a bit, not long as he said he didn’t want to keep me hanging about while I’m all wet. I laughed, I couldn’t help it, and didn’t want to explain to him why I was laughing, just saying he made me very happy and I will make sure I see him on Monday at the usual time.

When I got back to my room I had a visitor, Sarah. We had been texting and chatting a bit, not a huge amount, but it was really good to see her. Today, she had some gifts for me, nothing exciting, just some chocolate and we sat down to share it while talking about very little. I didn’t really want to tell her I had sex, I mean, I don’t want her to think I jumped onto the first cock that was presented to me. I did do just that of course, and while I feel that I’ve moved on from our relationship, she might have not just yet.

She was over me, she had taken her house off the market and was going to stay at work and while she wasn’t seeing anyone, she had been on a couple of dates but nothing beyond drinks. I wanted to ask what people thought had happened to me, but to be honest that wasn’t my life anymore. She did tell me much later that people thought we had just broken up, and it was easier for her to let them think that than face hundreds of questions. Fair enough really.

One thing that was funny is that she noticed my finger nails were long and asked why I hadn’t sorted them yet. “Oh, that’s easy. I keep forgetting to pick up any nail clippers.”

She winced, and said, “No, that’s not good enough anymore.” And picked up her bag, bringing out some nail files and showed me how to tidy them up and she even gave them a bit of shape. I’m not sure they were a lot shorter, but I did draw the line at her painting them. When she left to go home, we hugged and it was funny really, she’s always been an attractive woman, but I felt no physical attraction to her anymore, but when she kissed the top of my head and said to look after myself, well, I got a clear sense she felt none for me either. This visit was her closure, and that’s a good thing.

And then there was Monday, A lot happened and where do I start?

After my morning measurements I had a visit from the consultant and Annette, and when both turn up at once I’m expecting it to be bad news. Last time it was my oncoming period, but this time I was a little scared they might be here to tell me I was pregnant.

It wasn’t that, thank god.

They wanted to tell me that while they want me to stay in for at least two more weeks, they think I need to start accepting that I’m going to be a girl for the future now, and that while they have no idea if I will live to my original age or if it’s reset, I need to accept this is who I am.

I want to say I was upset but I think I’ve accepted it already, a hard cock inside you can really turn your mind on to new things. Anyway, I was going to be having some daily therapy sessions and a lot more tests carried out before they decide to let me go free, with ongoing monitoring of course. So Monday was a day of me feeling like a pin cushion, they seemed to photograph me inside and out with many different machines, and the speculum seemed to be expanded to new depths and widths.

When that was finally over I went back to my room, put on some leggings and went out for a coffee and cigarette, looking forward to a walk around the park to refuel my spirits before this is all repeated tomorrow. As I walked out the hospital carrying my cup, I heard a voice call my name and stoped dead. I completely forgot about meeting hot teacher, so stopped and waited for him to catch up. “Hey, how are yo…..Are you ok?”

I looked at him and said, “Are you free to walk and talk for a bit?”

He obviously said of course, and we walked saying nothing and he waited for me to start speaking. I was a bit annoyed about that, I mean, I understand why, a woman would normally open up but I was still very much in both worlds, so time to man up again.

“They think they can’t fix me.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

I looked at him and said, “It’s ok, I think I knew that but they pretty much confirmed it today and I have hundreds of tests to be done over the next few days and it’s a bit depressing really.”

We walked a bit further in silence, then he said, “Is being a woman so bad?”

I didn’t reply immediately, eventually saying, “To be honest, I’m quite liking it, but there are problems. For example, I’m both older and younger than you at the same time, and it’s going to be really difficult to go into a pub and order a drink, let alone buy more cigarettes. Right now it’s really expensive as I’m getting my lawyer to buy them for me, but I can’t keep asking him to do that.”

I took a deep breath, wondering what I should tell him. “Oh, and my ex girlfriend is starting to move on, which I’m pleased about, but…”

And I stopped talking, not wanting to say it, so he said it for me. “Now you like men anyway.”

I stopped walking, and after two steps he did as well, looking at me with a smile. He said, “It’s ok, I can tell, when I was trying to pretend I wasn’t looking at women, you were trying to pretend you weren't looking at men.”

I went very suddenly shy, wondering if he ever noticed me looking at him, but again, he beat me to it, “Yes, I’ve seen you looking at me. I’m a teacher, I see girls looking at teachers all the time when they have a crush.”

I started walking again and he fell into step next to me. “Is that how you see me, like one of the girls at your school?” Oh god! I really do sound like a schoolgirl with a crush.

He said, “No, I could never see you as a school girl, you’re far too old!”

I burst out laughing and said, “If you speak to me like that again young man I will put you over my knee!”

He started to say something, but stopped himself, and we carried on walking, and well, I felt a bit flirty now and said, “I wonder if that’s something I will like, being put over a knee and given a spanking.”

I timed it perfectly, he was taking a sip of coffee and spat it out. I looked at him and said, “Nah, the idea is fun though.” I started walking backwards in front of him, saying, “Do you think it would be fun?” And before I turned to walk forwards, I flicked my eyes down at his groin and said, “Doesn’t look like it. Good.”

I heard him start to run after me so I ran quickly, not intending to get very far when I felt two hands on my sides, tickling me.

It was torture! I would have given him anything to stop, but by then I didn’t care, his arms were around me and my arms went around his neck and we kissed.

We kissed.

We both broke it at the same time, and both said ‘sorry’ together, both feeling embarrassed by what just happened and I suggested we sit down and talk. I said, “I’m really sorry, I shouldn't have let that happen. I knew I was attracted to you from when I first saw you, and with me looking like this and your job, well, it’s a bad idea. I’m sorry,”

He said, “You are right, it was a bad idea for all the reasons you said.” He paused for a couple of seconds. “But I’m not sorry it happened. It is confusing though.”

I giggled a bit and said, “You’re right, the age gap either means I’m taking advantage of you or you’re taking advantage of me. But I want you to know, you are not taking advantage of me.”

He said, “Well, not tonight anyway, I have a lesson to deliver and I’m already technically late.”

We stood up and walked back, but this time we walked a little closer together, not touching on purpose, but it happened a couple of times and we looked at each when it did and smiled. All the way back we said nothing, each lost in our thoughts of how inappropriate anything happening would be, but I did wonder if like me he was thinking just how far we could take this.

Anyway, the only other thing we said was that we would meet for a coffee on Wednesday.

Hospital stuff between then was just more hospital stuff, but on Wednesday we just sat and drank coffee, and I think like me he was afraid to go for a walk in the park in case we kissed again, so we arranged to meet up for a coffee on the Friday.

Well, on Friday, there were no free seats outside, so we did go into the park and walk. We kept the conversation light, avoiding the elephant in the room, and having no real plan for where to walk. For me I was just pleased to be out and moving and can’t speak for him. I don’t think he planned it, and I’m certain I didn’t, but there was a part of the park that had been allowed to go wild, with just a few paths going through it that weren’t tarmac’d, so often wet and uneven.

That’s where we needed up walking while talking about Shakespeare and we both stopped at the same time, looked around and realised we were alone. I dropped my coffee cup and he dropped his and we launched our lips at each other. The tension between us since Monday disappeared in our desire to kiss, and being shorter I need to stand on tip toe to reach him. His hands were running through my hair and I could feel his erection pressing against me and I needed to know.

I might have pushed him backwards into a bit more cover, it was hard to tell as it could have been him pushing me, but we were completely hidden and I felt his hands on my bum, pulling me into him.

I’m really not complaining at all.

His hands moved up under the back of my hoody, a bit cold at first but so very welcome and I know that throughout the whole session together, anywhere my hands could reach while we kissed they touched. I moved away slightly, just enough so I could reach down and feel him, and he used the space to run his hands from my waist and up to my boobs, cupping them as he pushed my bra up. As his thumbs gently played with my nipples, I went for it and put my hand into his trousers, wrapping my hand around him.

Well, I only have one experience of holding a hard cock and this one is bigger.

We kissed and he played with my, well, my tits while I stroked his cock, but having a hand down the front of his trousers wasn’t that easy, so I took my hand out and undid the button and his flies, pulling him out into the air and kept stroking him. I would have been happy to just kiss, but this, this was a lot better. His touch on my skin was a million times better than Jackie’s boyfriend. With him, I was just experimenting, but this, this was because I wanted to do it. And based on how hard he is he wants it as well. His hand ran down my stomach and slipped into my leggings, going right where I wanted them and a finger slipped into me. This was the first time I got fingered by someone else, and I moaned in pleasure as he moved the finger around inside me.

He said, “I’m going to cum.”

I really wasn’t thinking and instead sped up, wanting to give him the release that I was yearning for.

“Stand back, I don’t want it to go over your clothes.”

And he had a point, but I had too much passion going right now, I wanted to stay close to him, so I did something a girl once did for me when we got carried away. I used my free hand to push down the front of my leggings and panties, and pushed him into them so he could cum in there with limited cleanup till later.

Shame I forgot what happened next all those years ago, but this time I was on the other end of it.

When I put him in there I let go and wrapped my arms around him, moving my hips to help bring over the final steps and of course, he moved as well, rubbing himself on me down there and he groaned and I felt the first spurt in my panties. Which made everything slick down there and he slipped into me. Not a lot, just a little, well, maybe half of it and I felt him twitch in me. I could have pushed him away, but I didn’t want to. I wanted it as much as he did.

We stood there as he came down from his orgasm inside me, and me, well, I was panting as well. I never had an orgasm, but I was feeling very satisfied as we stood there, holding on to each other, my legs slightly apart to allow him access and his trousers around his knees.

I said, “Remember when I said we shouldn’t have kissed?”

I felt him laughing and he said, “Yep, and I remember saying I’m not sorry it happened. I really hope you’re not sorry about this either.”

I pulled him closer, but he was softening and beginning to slide out of me, so we stepped apart. I pulled up my leggings and there was a lot of wetness between my legs, but I was ok about it. He went to pull up his trousers, but I could see a problem just he could, so I bent down and did something I wasn’t sure I ever would, and took him into my mouth to clean him up. It was nice.

We walked back together and he had a lesson to deliver and me, well, I needed to clean up, and again we didn’t say much, but for a change we rode up in the lift together, There were a few others in there with us, and we did touch fingers a few times, sharing a secret smile, but he got off two floors before me, and gave me a nod, saying with his eyes he will see me soon. As I walked back to the ward, Jackie called me before I got to my room saying I had a quick exam and to hurry up.

I followed her down the corridor, feeling the squelch in my panties and trying to stop to go to the toilet to clean up, but she said it won’t take long. It actually didn’t, but I was a bit blindsided by this as we walked into a room and the two doctors in there asked me to go behind the curtain and strip off. I looked around for something I could use to clean up, but Jackie followed me as I stripped. Of course, when my underwear came off she saw it, her eyes going wide, then rolling them at me.

She pulled a packets of tissues out of her pocket and handed it to me, giving me a chance to at least wipe myself before stepping out there. Thankfully it wasn’t an internal exam, just some extra photos of my body to compare for the record as they had stopped doing that every day. Once it was over, we walked back and she said nothing until we passed a toilet and she pulled me in, saying, “What the fuck just happened?”

I told her, even finding my own excuse of ‘we only put it in a little bit’ pathetic, but she laughed and said, “Ok, well I think we need to talk about some birth control for you. And seriously, you used to be a man, you must have known what would happen.”

Back in my room we had a more serious talk about it, and that I would talk to Annette about everything that happened. Which made the next day very interesting, with Annette making all of Monday free just to talk to me between the various appointments I was going to have. After talking to the gynaecologist about getting an IUD fitted, she asked if it could be done that week, and to be honest I don’t blame her, I’m not sure I can be trusted with these desires. But back in my room, hoping to be free so I could go and meet hot teacher, the Consultant arrived.

Great. I’m either getting more bad news or a joint telling off for unprotected sex.

It was neither. They said they were going to release me on Saturday, but I would have to come back on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays for more checks, but only about an hour each time.

I was stunned, and half an hour later heading down to see hot teacher so we could have a more serious conversation about what happened. Not only that, I think that as he has now been inside me, I really should try and find out his name. I think he did mention it, but only in the sense of his teacher name, Mr something or other, and I need to know what to call him. When I got down there he wasn’t around, so I guessed I missed him, it’s happened before so no big deal, but I waited a bit longer than normal to try and see him on the way out of the hospital to share my good news. I didn’t see him.

On Wednesday I made sure I was a bit early for him, waiting and waiting, and still nothing. Again, not a big deal, don’t think about it too deeply I kept telling myself. On Friday, with my brand new IUD freshly fitted, I felt great. Tomorrow I was going home right after my morning measurements, and I wanted to see hot teacher, I desperately wanted to tell someone other than Sarah or my solicitor (who I gave a very big shopping list to and will undoubtedly charge me three times the value of things, not to mention their time). As I was going to be going home, I decided now was as good a time as any to wear a dress outside, but first I put on some underwear. It’s fine going commando around the hospital for convenience, but I think I should wear something right now.

Sitting there on the bench in our usual area, I waited and still I wasn’t seeing him. By now it was impossible not to think that I had overdone it with him, going a little to far for him. I mean, I’m not stupid, I know that I look younger than I am, and maybe as he’s a teacher it was just a step too far for him and he just felt guilty about it when he sat down to think about being inside me.

I waited over an hour in the hope of seeing him, but it was time to face facts. I dropped my cup in the recycling, headed back to my room and on the way decided to give my solicitor something else to do; It was time to put my big girl pants on and change my name.

I walked into my apartment, dropping my bag on the bed and just sat down, finally home and released from hospital. Well, kinda released. I was now an outpatient and had to return every Monday, Wednesday and Friday for tests and measurements, but now I can sleep in my own bed. I looked about the room, wondering about my future and what I will do from now on, but in the meantime, I had a weekend to relax and do very little.

In the kitchen my solicitor had left a few of the things that I asked him to pick up, (cigarettes, some beer and some wine), and I half heartedly look through them, moving things about and the beer into the fridge, noticing the lack of food in there and making that my priority for today. Getting home from picking up some ready cooked meals, I decided to run a bath, and just chill, I mean, I literally have nothing to do, and while I wait for my name change to go through I have no ID to get me in anywhere or buy anything fun. I’m not even sure I would be able to get into the cinema to see some films, so relaxing is a good thing to do.

As I lay there in the bath, I thought back on my decision to change my name from Lew, short for Lewis, to Louise and feeling more comfortable with it each day, it’s not like I need to change anything for anyone else other than my ID. Over the last 25 years while building up my old business I slowly lost touch with my friends as I was just too busy to maintain them. Then it was just business acquaintances I went drinking with or played golf with, even though I hate it, it was good for contacts. Then there was Sarah of course, introduced to her by an old PA as a blind date, and she became the focus of my life. She’s happy I’m home now, but she’s in London and we’re not together, so not really around to spend time with me. Getting out the bath at risk of becoming a prune, I just sat around the rest of the day, watching TV or streaming something, not really paying attention, just happy to be crashed out on my sofa while doing it.

The next week was a lot of nothing, even the hospital visits felt like repeats of every other day while there, and Annette said she was a bit worried about me. I pointed out it’s not like I can do much while I’m constantly back at hospital for appointments each week, and she told me I needed to at least get out of the house a bit. So that’s what I did, twice a week I made sure I went for a walk, looking in the shops, and just being out and having a coffee sometimes. I’m not sure when I noticed it, but I became aware of how men were looking at me, and one day I was walking through an area I had walked through before and I felt extremely unsafe. I had never felt this way as a man, but I felt vulnerable and small. I mean, I am smaller than I was, but still, I felt very nervous. From then on I always considered where I walked, but I was always aware of how men looked at me, worried that I ever did that in the past. I probably did and made a mental apology to every woman in the world.

On the third week at home, I had a laundry crisis. No more clean leggings to wear and I couldn't face going for a walk in a dress, so I pulled out the denim skirt I had brought and put that on along with a jumper I had picked up. Looking at myself in the mirror I was quite happy with the look, turning each way to look at myself and mentally shaking the image from my head. I had looked to see how I looked in it, not really sure what I was going to do if I wasn’t happy with it.

I said to myself, “Fuck it, you’re Lou not Lew now, live with it.”

And before I bottled it I picked up a bag and walked out the door.

I had no plan on where to go, but found myself walking down the main streets towards town, guessing I was going to go looking in the shops. Well, I’m not sure how it happened, I’m really not as it wasn’t my intention, but somehow I replaced my old shoulder bag that I used to use to carry my stuff in to work, and ended up with not only a smallish handbag, but also one off those ones you can wear as a backpack. I of course moved everything into that as why carry three bags when I can carry one, but I also went shopping and picked up a pair of shoes and some boots, one of which had heels. We’re not talking four inch ones, but they had heels, cone or tapered shaped I guess that were two inches and the boots were flats, but came above my knees. I was quite taken by the boots as while it wasn’t cold, it wasn’t warm either so I detoured to the toilets to change into them.

After that I felt if not warmer in reality, I mean the skirt is quite short, I at least felt a bit more covered up from some of the looks I got from creepy guys. Well, there was one guy who looked that I didn’t mind looking and I smiled at him, but when he walked towards me I got scared and walked into a department store to avoid him.

And then I got a surprise when a voice said, “Hi, would you like a makeover?”

I stopped dead, I had no idea what a makeover is, I mean, I know that women get them but what about me? I said, “Um, I’m not sure. What does it involve?”

She gave me a smile and said, “Do your parents not let you wear make up? I wouldn't want to get you in trouble.”

Great, she thinks I’m a kid! But then again, I keep forgetting that sometimes I look young and without a mirror nearby to get a feel on how I looked right now and not wanting to embarrass her so said, “Oh, no, I am allowed, I’ve just never had one before.”

She invited me to sit down and I had my first lesson in how to put make up on, pretending I knew what some of the terms were that she said and getting a few of the things she recommended, followed by some of the things I would need to put it on with and of course remove it. Walking home I won’t say I felt better, but I definitely felt a lot more confident in myself.

I thought to myself I hope I can find some tutorials on YouTube to help me. Of course when I looked I said to myself, ‘Oh you poor sweet summer child!’

The next day at the hospital and after my measurements and various tests, Annette commented that I was wearing some eyeliner and I told her all about what happened, including the looks from creepy men.

She said, “Well, you’re a woman now, and sadly I have to tell you that while you need to get used to it, I hope you will never stop being angry about it.”

I said, “You’re telling me, sister!”

And we looked at each other and started giggling.

We talked a lot about my boredom, not surprising really as I never expected to have nothing to do other than be myself, but she said I just need to put myself out there, ‘But please, if you really put yourself out there, then use protection!’

Once again I apologised for my previous stupidity, but telling her I don’t know if I’m ready to do that again. She looked at me for a while and said, “Why not?”

I had no immediate answer, promising to think about it. And that’s what I did while having a coffee in the high street later and a guy was looking at me from the other side of the shop, not too ugly, a little shy maybe, mid twenties I guess. I was trying to look at my reflection in the window to work out how old I looked to him in my leggings and jumper, but he really gave me the time to think about men. I was still a little hurt about not seeing hot teacher again and I think I was maybe getting over him, which made me wonder, should I get under some other guys like the shy guy?

But how can I do that, it’s not like I can go out to the pub easily enough on dates with no ID and looking like I do? I what about guys near my physical age? What doe the law say about this, I mean, physically I’m under 16, mentally I’m well over it, so is it morally wrong or ethically wrong to that?

I picked up my phone about to search for ‘how to get over a guy and hook up with others’, guessing it must be in one of the women’s magazines when I stopped and looked at my reflection, mentally face palming myself.

Tinder.

Well, I’m going to need some photos of myself, and girls my physical age are always taking selfies, so that is what I did, sitting there taking quite a few, then signing up for insta to get me started. I need more selfies, so at home I tried on several outfits and posted them, followed by a few depending on what I was wearing when out and about, along with any photos I liked that didn’t include me in them. I did stop myself from taking photos of food.

Over the next week I talked to loads of guys on tinder, matching with anyone that caught my eye in any way, and using an age range of 18-55. I learnt a few things quite quickly. A lot of older guys are clearly delusion when it comes to matching with a younger woman (I put my age as 19 as I didn’t think I could get away with much more), teens boys are dumb and really boring to talk to, but I seem to have a sweet spot of between 25-35 where they are more interesting to talk to. Plus, with teens I was constantly worried about saying the wrong thing and having no idea of their cultural references. I am aware of Taylor Swift, but who the hell are BTS? I was getting bored of having to google almost everything to understand them..

Anyway, I was only interested in talking to them on the app at this point, I had no interest in doing anything else, but having so many conversations on the go at once did make things less boring for me, and it was funny the way that they all tried to make me laugh.

But then something awful happened.

Well, not awful, it just really upset me. I checked my old email account and other than a couple of spam ones, there were three from old acquaintances that even if I hadn’t changed I would have ignored. But there was one other about an event I always make an effort to go to, always make sure my diary was free for a few days each side of it, and now I couldn't see a way that I could go.

It was a reunion for my old army battalion, held every year and one of the few times we ever saw each other. These were guys I would have given my life for and they would have for me, maybe still would, but I just couldn't see it working this time. Just imagine it, “Hi guys, do you think I’ve changed and what do you think of my LBD, I’ve used the regimental tie as a belt?”

I got depressed, looked through old photos from when I served and thought about those no longer with us, the old boys who were great to talk to and how much I would miss being there, wondering what my old section would think when I didn't turn up.

Well, I got depressed and then I got pissed, very pissed. I was stumbling around my apartment cursing my new body and it’s limited ability to handle alcohol until I collapsed on the bed and tried to fall asleep as the room span around me. And then, due to the abnormal fluid intake, I needed the toilet and something happened for the first time since the change. I stood there and pulled down the front of my leggings and reached in to pull out what isn’t there.

I wet myself and stood there crying while it happened.

Once I stopped, and of course stopped feeling sorry for myself I stripped off my leggings and underwear, used them to wipe myself down, cleaned up the mess, dropped them in the laundry basket and cleaned myself up. I’m not sure how I did that, I mean I was fairly drunk, but I was also once a soldier and if there’s one thing a squaddie can do is clean up to avoid getting in trouble. Anyway, I made my way back to bed, lay down and must have fallen asleep.

In the morning I woke up to a banging head. Wait, no, not a banging head, that’s actually not that bad, so what’s going on? Oh, someone is knocking on the door. I sat up, getting my thoughts in order and made my way to open it, finding a man standing outside in overalls and holding a toolbox. He instantly looked away and said, “Sorry miss, are your parents in?”

I said, “What?”

“Your parents, I’m here to do the annual check on the smoke detectors for the building?”

I looked over my shoulder wondering what he was on about and remembered how I look and said, “Oh, no parents, I’m the adult here. Do you want to come in?”

He paused and said, “Are you sure that’s ok?”

I must have looked confused and he waved at me with his arm while looking away and I looked down. Oh. I had a tee shirt on, but of course I had left the bottom half of my clothes in the laundry basket last night. There was no point covering up and a smile crossed my face, I mean, It’s not like I’m not used to being naked around men I’ve never met before.

I told him to do what he needs to do and I went into the kitchen and put the kettle on, asking if he wanted a coffee or some tea as much as I did. He said something, but I got two cups ready and then jumped in the shower to get cleaned up properly.

I walked in to the kitchen five minutes later naked with a towel around my head as he was doing something to the smoke detector and I said, “Is instant coffee ok?”

He looked at me and dropped his screwdriver, so I carried on, “Look, it’s fine, but just to make it clear this isn’t an invite or some terrible porno. I’m just relaxed about being naked.”

Once again he mumbled something, I mean, he must have been around 50, so I walked away and let him get on with what he was doing and left the coffee on the table. Did I bend at the waist when I put it down with my back to him? Well, a lady doesn’t tell, ok, this lady is telling you a lot, but use your imagination for once. Ten minutes later he checked the one on the hallway and I smiled at him, now doing my daily YouTube yoga in the living room, except I don’t normally do it naked.

Turns out, he does yoga too and gave me some advice about the poses, helping me with my posture and he stayed to chat a bit about it. I did lie a bit and say I always do my yoga naked and he suggested a few places I could go to for proper instructions (with clothes on), but it was nice having an adult conversation where even though I was naked there was no hidden subtext of sex or dating.

Right after he left I picked one of the guys on tinder that I’ve been talking to at random and suggested we go for a coffee. Turns out he wasn’t as interesting to talk to in person, but yes, I did go home with him, well, to a hotel as I’m not quite that stupid. I did that few times with a few different guys and other than getting a few looks from some people when my date was, well, older looking than me, it was all good safe fun. But I never saw a guy twice, and started to be a bit selective in how I met them. If they could hold an interesting conversation on tinder or one of the dating/hook up apps, then we went for a coffee. If they couldn’t, I would just arrange a hook up with them instead and get laid.

While it wasn’t much, it was human contact and as Annette said, I was kinda lonely and using them as a source of comfort rather than something more serious. She said, “I have some ideas about that and I’m talking to a couple of people so there’s no point sharing it yet. But I will ask, how would you feel about me trying something to try and help you socialise?”

I shrugged, I mean, she wouldn't tell me what her idea is so I couldn't say yes or no to it, but I was willing to listen to her advice. Anyway, one thing she did tell me is that they were thinking of reducing my examinations to once a week, and my sessions with her to twice a week, and while the idea seeing people who treated me like a human being and pincushion at the same time a lot less, the idea of being more isolated gave me a sense of dread. I did agree to it, I mean, what other choice did I have? They have other patients than me.

It was now approaching the end of May, almost five months since the change and two months after being released form hospital, and I went on a date with a guy I had been chatting to online for about three weeks. He seemed quite nice, could hold a conversation without always trying to be flirty and was decent enough looking. I had my new official name and ID now. My solicitor had managed to convince the passport office and DVLA with a lot of legal letters and letters of support from the hospital that I was really was the same person, sort least I could go to the pub with him.

Instead we went to the cinema and for some reason he picked a horror, probably hoping I would seek his support but I actually find them kind of bring and predictable. We did go for a drink afterwards, and as it was a Saturday and he was nice enough that I went home with him. On the plus side I knew he wasn’t married like some of the guys I hooked up with, I know I should feel guilty but they lied to me and I saw the indent of their hidden rings, so they are the ones who should have felt guilty. Especially as picking a hotel makes it kind of obvious they want to keep me away from their homes, yet somehow never questioning my choice or even asking when I suggest a hotel.

Anyway, the sex was ok, he was nice enough but once again like all other men I had no intention of seeing him again. The following morning I left him before he woke up and got a cab home, feeling lonelier than ever, it’s great having quite a few million in the bank, but what am I going to do with my life now it seems to have restarted?

I sent a text to Sarah and we ended up speaking on the phone for a couple of hours and she suggested I come up to London, but rather than as a resident, do it as a tourist, and we would meet up for a proper chat. I had to admit it was a great idea, so I booked a hotel for a few days and got the train there. I actually took a black cab in London as I wanted the full tourist experience, got to my hotel and checked in, just crashing out and relaxing in the bath and quite enjoying the change brought about by new surroundings.

In the evening I headed down to the bar and after showing my ID to the barman and room key, I got a small glass of wine. I was wearing a short black jumper dress as I wanted to be comfortable, and watched the barman wondering why everyone who looks at my ID doesn’t seem to notice that the year I was born puts me in my late fifties rather than late teens.

Anyway, I had no interest in doing anything right now other than read a book on my phone and drink some wine in a new place. When my glass was finished I went back to the bar to get another and the barman leant forward to speak to me quietly. “I just need to warn you that bloke over there thinks you’re an escort.”

I looked over and he was kind nice looking, mid forties I guess with a bit of salt and pepper going on with his hair and a decent body. I looked back at the barman and said, “Him? Really? But he’s hot!”

Well, that’s two guys I think are hot now as opposed to just them being shaggable.

I looked back at the barman and said, “So what would a girl like me charge out of interest?”

I was curious, I had never used an escort in the past, no idea of how that side of the world operates.

Anyway, two hours later I was back in the bar and I looked at the barman and started to laugh. I really didn’t think he was telling the truth, really, I didn’t. I thought he was just trying to warn me about a creepy guy, but I could see he wasn’t that he wasn’t that bad. And when he started to talk to me, I realised his nerves weren’t the type you get when chatting a girl up, I could see the difference immediately in how he talked. And then he invited me to his room, and I wondered what would happen. The sex wasn’t great, but did help to kill some time as I was kinda bored in the bar. He never asked if I was an escort, and I never said a price as I was curious to see what would happen.

What happened is he gave £400 pounds before I left and went back to the bar. I asked the barman to share it with some of his colleagues as I gave it to him, making him laugh. I’m glad I got paid for sex, but I’m never doing it again, call it getting ahead of future fantasies. I’ve read enough women’s magazines now to understand some of the things that I’m likely to think about in the future, so at least that’s one ticked off early.

The next day I did the tourist stuff, went to look at Buckingham palace and the tower of London, Westminster Abbey, and a walk around Hyde Park before I made my way to meet Sarah after she finished work. It was funny going to the places I had passed thousands of times but avoided for years, while this time not going to the places I do love.

Anyway, as soon as she saw me she stopped dead, then rushed over and gave me a hug telling me how much I’ve grown, which both pleased and annoyed me at the same time. She was surprised I had a driving license with my new face on it and liked my new name, saying, “At least I don’t have to try and remember anything about it beyond the spelling.”

After we caught up over all the usual stuff, we chatted more generally and at some point she said, “My god, you’re lonely aren’t you.”

I didn’t say anything, probably because I was afraid I would cry, so she placed her hand on mine and said, “Talking to you is such a normal thing it’s made me forget everything you’re going through. Tell me?”

And I did. I told her about my experiment with sex and that I liked it, about hot teacher and how we ‘only put it in a little bit’ which made her laugh and give me a look telling me I was stupid, how he suddenly disappeared and how I’ve since been with a few guys but never see them again..

“No second date? Why?”

“I’m not sure, I mean, I obviously like guys now, you saw that apparently when I woke up, but it’s like I keep thinking it’s a step too far, like if I see them again I may never get back to who I was.”

“Do you want to be him again?”

I looked at her and didn’t answer straight away and she smiled, saying, “I know. Once you started moving more like a girl I knew this was who you were now.”

She picked up her glass and raised it like she was giving a toast and said, “To my newest and my oldest friend Louise, may she finally have a second date.”

I started to laugh and picked up my glass in toast and said, “To my oldest friend, literally my oldest friend,” She kicked me under the table, “My she find the love that she deserves.”

She took a sip and said, “I think I have.”

“Tell me everything!”

And she did and I couldn't have been happier for her.

I spent the next day in London doing some more tourist stuff but had to go home for my next hospital appointment. On the way back I DM’d the guy I had the date with, the sweet guy who thought I would like a horror film and arranged a date for Friday. He would pick me up and we would go to the pub. My intention was to avoid having sex with him, I wanted to have a second date even though we had the first and third date on the first night.

We went to the cinema again and he picked another horror, a bit dull again, I mean, they are all predictable and you know exactly what is going to happen, but it was enjoyable enough in a distracting way. After that we went to nearby bar, one I haven’t been in before and it was kinda nice, not too busy and the music wasn’t too loud. In other words, a perfect date pub.

After getting our drinks and sitting down to chat, I felt quite awkward with the whole thing, trying to get to know the person who a week ago I practically jumped. I was still a little horny, but I had purposefully gone to town with my vibrator and dildo before coming out to try and kill that feeling to stop me wanting to have sex with him in case I got bored and ran out of things to talk about. As always I was worried about giving myself away, either my physical age or my true age, after all, all my cultural references are very different to his.

But conversation became much less of a problem when he smiled towards the door and slipped an arm around my waist. I looked around and two men about the same age as my date were walking towards us, looking at him and me, with a lot of unspoken messages being shared with their eyes.

Oh. My. God. He’s showing me off to his friends!

I suppose I should put a show on then, protect his ego a bit, but then I saw someone else behind the first two, a face I recognised which when it turned to look at over at us saw me, and it took a second for them to work out who I was and a slightly confused look crossed their face. Followed by a small smile and a glance at the hand around my waist. My date stood up and started talking to the three of them, saying hello and introducing me to them. Before they gave their names, I said, “I’m never going to remember all your names at once, so while you all say hello to each other, I will pop out for a cigarette.”

I picked up my bag and took out a lighter, one cigarette and my phone, stood up and walked towards the back door and the smoking area, and within two steps I heard a voice say, “I’ll join you.”

I kept walking but didn’t turn my head. I didn’t want any of them to see I had a big smile on face.

He joined me in the little smoking shelter outside and I said, “Hi.”

Hot teacher said, “Hi.”

We stood there looking at each other for a couple of seconds and as he started to speak I handed him my phone and said, “Quick, put your number in there and text yourself so you have mine as well.”

As he put it in my phone I tried to have a look to see his name, but I missed it so would look later.

He said, “I’m sorry, my student was released and I had no idea..”

I hugged him and said, “Don’t worry about that now, we can talk later, right now I need to know what’s going on, is this you and your friends local?”

He told me it wasn’t, but that a friend of his is good friends with my date and that while he knows my date as an occasional drinking buddy, they were invited along to see his new girlfriend.

“Wait, he told you all I’m his girlfriend?”

Hot teacher, now known to me as Tom, confirmed this, so I explained that we hooked up a week ago, and on the advice of my ex and my therapist I’m trying a second date to see how it goes, but I most definitely am not his girlfriend. I really wanted him to know that and later he told me I actually stamped my foot to make the point. Anyway, it turns out my date has a habit of falling in love very quickly, getting a bit too smitten and stops just shy of being a stalker. But he is known for being a bit much sometimes so was maybe hoping for support to help suppress his worst tendencies.

“Jesus! What have I got myself into?”

He put his hand on mine and I instantly felt safe, reassured by his touch. I turned to face Tom and said, “Ok, lets see if I’ve got this right? if I ghost him he will get all moody and possibly a bit obsessive, I mean, he’s already sends a lot of messages and is definitely a bit keen.”

Tom nods, so I carry on, “But what if he hates me a little bit, blames me for it, to help him get over it. Is that a good thing or will he become way too obsessive over me?”

He said, “No, he will hate you but get over it. Wait, what are you going to do?”

I quickly looked around to check for people - all clear - and reached under my skirt and pulled down my thong and stepped out of it.

“Shit, I left my bag in there.” I looked at Tom and said, “Here, put these in your pocket, but understand I want them back. Ok, who drove here and who lives in the opposite direction to him?”

Tom told me, describing which one it was and it was perfect being reasonably close to my apartment, so now I had someone to take me away from my date with a perfect excuse. I looked at Tom and said, “Right, I’m going to be a bit flirty with everyone but you and him, but especially flirty with the designated driver, and yes, I’m going to flash them all a little. You can put them in your pocket now by the way.”

He quickly stuffed my thong in his pocket, and I put my cigarette out, saying I will go to the ladies and see him back at the table. Once in the toilet I checked my phone and found out his name, and I have to say my heart did a tiny flutter when I read it.

I made my way back and I have to say I worked it a bit, not that I really know what I’m doing, but I know enough that a short skirt and no knickers will get men going, and now I know that hot teacher is called Tom and wants to be in contact with me, well, lets just say I was feeling very confident right now.

I sat down and Tom and the two friends of my date got a good look, and I made sure they knew that I knew they looked, smiling at them while sitting in such a way they had a good enough view of me, but not cute as good a view as the doctor gets once a week at the hospital.

I flirted with them, while giving my date just enough attention to be not quite be sure if I was flirting with them now, or still his date for the evening. Anyway, by the end of the evening I made my excuses to my date about needing to be up early tomorrow and getting a lift with his friend the car driver, Tom, and the other one. I sat in the front with the driver and made sure that my skirt rose up and I was very much on display. I wanted his close friend in the back with Tom to report back to the date that I was showing myself off quite freely, and now I was clearly flirting quite a bit with the driver. What no one else could see in the dark car is I had my left hand behind the seat and Tom was holding it, his thumb stroking the back of my hand. I really hoped he understood why I was doing this, putting on an act.

Tom was the first one dropped off, then my dates close friend, leaving me in the car with the driver. I think the driver was a bit upset I pulled my skirt down to cover up, I had no need to put on a show now and when he pulled up outside my building, I decided to give him a kiss, at first on his cheek, then his lips and finally with some tongue.

I was just about to push him away, say this was a mistake, I feel guilty etc, as that was all part of my plan, but he did it to me instead.

Yes! Now when they ask if anything happened, even if he denies it he will feel and look guilty and that will confirm to the date I’m a bit of slut and he will get over me quickly and hopefully learn his lesson not to fall in love with every woman he meets or talks to online. As I rode the lift up I looked at my phone and sent a text to Tom saying I was home safe and that I expect they will think I’m a bit of a slut and he will be over me, and I got a photo back followed by the three dots that then said, ‘what shall I do with these?’

I smiled as I looked at the photo of my thong on his bed, and replied, ‘Do you know a good place to have a breakfast tomorrow?’

I got a thumbs up in reply, followed by a time and location.

He got a thumbs up in reply.

So the next day we had breakfast in a cafe, then we went for a walk, followed by a drink and eventually a kiss. Nothing else happened, but we talked a lot. He explained about needing to stay at the school after lessons like they normally would, and he tried looking for me as much as he could, but he only knew my first name and the hospital wouldn't tell him where I was without a full name.

In the end he had to stop going there hoping to see me in case he got arrested for hanging around a hospital, and of course I was released so not there anyway. But a couple of days later we went out for something to eat, followed by a few dates and we really got to know each other. I think it was about two weeks later when I invited him in for the first time, and he went home the next morning.

If you’re interested, it was twice in the evening, once during the night when we both woke up, and again in the morning.

It was amazing, and yes, I did. Each time!

We kept seeing each other at least twice a week, but more if his workload allowed it, and without a doubt I was falling in love. Annette was happy for me, but also a little concerned, after all, being in a relationship as a woman is new to me. My hospital appointments carried on, and I was told that I am now officially, well, physically a 14/15 year old girl, but thankfully with make up can consistently look 18 or 19. But still, when I felt nervous I was told I looked young and that can’t have been easy for Tom, even if he was a bit younger than I originally thought at 27. Sometimes the physical age gap felt tough on me as well, sometimes the actual age gap felt weird and Sarah often said she wasn’t sure who was the cradle snatcher between us. But I was definitely thankful his family aren’t local as it would be weird being the same age as his parents while looking a lot younger.

Anyway, apart from him and the appointments the only thing I had to keep me busy was looking for a house to buy, I was a bit sick of not having my own garden to sit in and drink wine or a beer. I had managed to find one I liked and was in the final stages of buying it, then I had a lot of things I wanted to get done before I moved in. Part of me wanted to ask Tom to move in, but a much bigger part of me told me it was too soon for that, but I was pleased it was reasonably close to his and well within walking distance.

But these were things I was doing to try and distract myself from one very obvious thing, something that Sarah told me, Annette told me, and that I admitted to Tom only last night.

I’m lonely.

But these were things I was doing to try and distract myself from one very obvious thing, something that Sarah told me, Annette told me, and that I admitted to Tom only last night.

I’m lonely.

I was still living in my rented apartment, but the deal had gone through on the house and I’m due to sign the contract in a weeks time, although I won’t be moving in right away as there was some work I wanted to have done. Sadly I won’t be visiting it much while it’s being done to check it all out and make sure it’s what I want, my solicitor is doing all the talking with the builders and workmen for me, but I’m getting a cab there a couple of times a week in the evening to check out the progress. Anyway, it’s keeping me busy in a stand off kinda way, plus I need more furniture and stuff for the place, so there’s that planning to do as well.

I quite like the house, it’s a four bedroom detached house in a very nice area, not so big that I would feel lost indoors, but the master and second bedroom both have an ensuite, and the attic is being converted into another bedroom with an ensuite as well. I’m not really sure why I picked that option, I mean, it is only me and I can’t see myself having guests over to stay for quite a while. What does make me happy is the ‘summer house’ at the end of the garden, with a jacuzzi outside that’s protected from any neighbours prying eyes, and the garden is the bit that is big, big enough for me actually need a gardener to look after, as I have no idea what to do beyond pushing a lawnmower. Although to be honest I would just use one of those robot ones.

While doing my window shopping to plan for what I needed to have in the house, making a list and trying to work out if I should buy it myself of get the solicitor to do it instead, I did start buying more clothes suitable for the hotter weather we’re starting to get in the UK now. And I quite liked my small collection of summer dresses, waiting for a warm day to wear one and hoping they really are much cooler to wear on hot days.

I guess as well you’re probably wondering what is going on with Tom. Well, we are still seeing each other, but of course being a teacher makes it much harder for him due to the workload. In the evenings and weekends he is often either marking their schoolwork or preparing for lessons, but we still try to spend at least one full evening a week together. It’s not much, but we talk all the time and when he’s too busy I miss him desperately, but every morning when I wake up I have a text from him, and every evening I get another to say he’s finished work and about to go bed, so we usually have a quick face time chat and depending on how tired he is, a quick bit of play on camera.

But my loneliness is still there, he is my only sustained contact with a human being beyond my hospital appointments and Annette. She told me she is worried about me, and of course, people my age, mental age that is, are notoriously reticent about opening up about those type of things, but she is aware of it and talks to me about it. Sometimes she gets me to open up a little, sometimes hinting at her idea but only ever telling me she won’t give me all the details until it’s confirmed.

Anyway, today Tom has made an effort to get out of school early which had a lot to do with the exams starting before they break up for the summer, and I’m heading out now to meet him for a coffee and I couldn't be more excited about it. Plus it’s a warm day, so I put on my green sundress before going out, checking out how I look and then remove the bra as the straps looked a little weird poking out under the dress straps.

Walking through town I felt great, and without a doubt this type of dress will be perfect on hot days, even though in the actual hot parts of the world they would call this cold. I saw Tom sitting outside a coffee place with a cup ready for me and smiled, hoping he would turn and see me, finally he looked up and I gave him a smile and a wave. He sat there looking at me for a second like he didn't recognise me, but then smiled back and gave me a little wave.

I sat down, sweeping the dress underneath me and the cold seat was a mild shock on my legs, gave him a very happy smile and I said, “Hi.”

He looked me over and said hi back, and knowing how I look sometimes, we kept any public displays of affection minimal, so I reached out for my coffee on the table and brushed my fingers across his hand, just to let him know I appreciate him. He moved his hand away. Not quickly, but he did move out of reach and while I didn’t show it, I was a little hurt.

We chatted about our day and I told him about some of the furniture I had looked at, trying to get an opinion on different styles of sofa and dining table, but he couldn't be drawn in to the conversation. At first I thought it might have been typical male behaviour of not being able to form an opinion on these things, and I completely understand that. If I wasn’t buying it for me, I doubt if I would have had one either.

I tried to get him to talk about his day, how the kids are doing and if he thinks the ones he likes will pass, or if those he doesn’t like will do well enough, but he just seemed a bit distanced from me, always looking around as we sat there. We were supposed to be having an evening together, an enjoyable time being outside and not fucking like bunnies indoors, but it was like he didn’t want to be here.

When I finished my coffee I stood up and said, “I can see your mind is elsewhere, I don’t want to distract you so will head home. Let me know when you’re free next.”

And I turned and walked away. Was I upset? Oh yes. I felt like I had done something wrong, was it something I said or has he finally come to the realisation that he can’t get over what I used to be?

I stopped dead and thought to myself, ‘What the fuck am I doing?’ Why am I blaming myself for this, I have done nothing wrong and I looked at my reflection in a shop window to give myself a good talking to and stopped dead.

I said to myself quietly, “Jesus! I look young today!”

This dress made me look more like my physical age, even if my head is still in the space of being a lot older, to the outside world this is what I look like. And of course, that means to Tom as well. He might know what is inside me, but to the world he’s an older man sitting there with a young girl who is flirting a little with him.

I turned to go back to apologise and there he is, standing a metre away. He had come after me and before I said a work he pulled me into a hug with my arms folded up in front of me, holding me close. I buried my face in his chest, I really didn’t want him to see me with tears in my eyes as he said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be like that.”

And he just held me and after a while I said, “It’s ok, I didn’t think about how I looked until just now.”

He gave me a gentle squeeze to tell me it’s ok, then he said, “I can’t think of a way to say this that doesn't sound like I’m mean something else, but your place or mine.”

Why does he have to make me laugh? Why is he so good at cheering me up? Oh god, why do I want to jump right here and now, right on the pavement?

I shrugged, trying to hide the thoughts in my head, but he stepped back and said we can head to his car and decide then, We ended up going back to mine, ordering a pizza and drinking a few glasses of wine until we went to bed. We talked through a lot of things, and I hated not being with him as much as I wanted to be, but he made me an offer I couldn't refuse. He suggested we go on holiday together, somewhere abroad, somewhere nice where we could explore a little more about us being together, and he would work harder on getting used to how I sometimes look and act better about it.

I said, “Yes.”

He went back to work the next day and while we talked a lot on the phone, he is still busy and I am a lot more understanding now of how sometimes it can be hard for him. I either need to dress up a bit and wear a bit more makeup to help me look older, or if I want to dress down and be a bit more casual then accept that we’re staying in. Which made going away a problem, I don’t want to be showing my ID every five minutes to avoid him getting arrested, or constantly be trying to look older just to avoid any judging looks. How can we go on holiday together with this extra barrier in the way? Maybe I need to be the grown up in this relationship and break it off with him?

I intended to speak with Annette about it the next day as I was heading there for the usual tests and measurements. Once I sat down on the chair in her office, I took a deep breathe to steady my nerves for talking about such a personal thing. Before I even got much further than an hello, she said, “So, I have a suggestion for you that I would like you to think about very carefully.”

This is new, normally she just wants to ask me how I feel or how I’m getting on. I don’t think she’s ever made a suggestion until well into the session, so I sat up wondering where this is going.

She continues, “Physically you’re around 14 or 15, and you’re struggling to fit in as you clearly can’t go back to anything like the life you had before. So if you can’t go back, I think you need to go forward. You admit you’re lonely and not connecting with anyone other than Tom, and your other attempts at getting to know people, all men, ended up with you having sex with them.”

Well, she’s not wrong in any of this.

“So I think the bast way forward is for you to become what you physically are, a girl on the cusp of adulthood, finding your way in the world and who you are as a woman. Sadly, we have to start the race where we are right now, but after talking to a lot of people I’ve found somewhere who agrees with me in principle and we need your agreement to take the next step. With me so far?”

I nodded, I mean, it’s what I’ve been trying to do, accept who I am and find a new place in the world.

Annette said, “So this means we need to assimilate you into society as who you are, get to know people like you…”

I stopped her saying, “But there’s no one else like me, is there?”

She smiled and said, “Yes, there’s a lot of them.” I think the confusion was very clear on my face as I am sure I would have heard about more people going through what I have by now, and she said, “There are loads of girls on the cusp of adulthood trying to find their place in the world and I think you should meet them.”

As she explained the rest I sat there with my jaw on the floor. Shit. This is big and will effect a lot of things in my life.

Over the next week it was my turn to be distant from Tom, and I apologised for it all the time, just telling him I had a lot to think about after talking to my therapist and will tell him soon. But the truth was I wasn’t sure how I could tell him about it. In the end I had to, and while he was a bit shocked, he said no matter what he will support my decision and that somehow we will work through it together.

But the truth is I wasn’t sure how we could and that scared me more than anything as I think I knew I needed to do this.

At nine am a week later I was waiting outside my apartment building for Annette to pick me up to go and talk over this suggestion with someone, and for a change I was dressed a bit more suitably, a pair of leggings (I thought that was important just to prove I was a woman down there), and a tee shirt, holding my bag with all the things I need and wondering why they can’t give women better pockets. I had put little make up on, just some eyeliner and lip gloss to enhance my femininity and got in her car when she arrived. I felt ridiculously nervous.

Once we arrived at the location, we sat outside an office until we were called in, with the school principal looking at me closely. He said, “Hello Louise, Dr Collins has told me a lot about you. Tell me why I should agree to this?”

I took a deep breathe and said, “Um, well, you obviously know all about me and I’m kinda stuck. It’s hard to know what I shoud do looking like this and I…”

He was smiling at me kindly, and then I sort of broke down a bit, a few tears spilled out of my eyes and I kept apologising for sniffling all the time, but he had handed me a box of tissues, and although I didn’t want to admit to him I was lonely, I did say I felt completely cut off from the world. The principal, Mr Giles, was kind and listened to me talk about my issues as they all tumbled out of me.

He said, “Louise, can I ask if you have any identification on you?”

I pulled my purse out of my handbag and handed over my driving license, which he studied quite intently before handing it back and saying.

“Ok, I’m going to say yes on the following conditions as the local education authority have approved this assuming that I will. Firstly, there must be a space for you, I won’t have any student losing a placement, and that means if a new student arrives and there’s no space, you will have to leave. Secondly, you’re above the age of consent and Dr Collins has hinted that you are sexually active so I expect you to obey the law. Thirdly, You will be a model student and cause absolutely no issues in any way or form at this school. Fourthly, I expect you to do well in all your classes, even those you already have higher degrees in.”

He paused and looked at me, waiting for me to speak, but Annette spoke first saying, “You’ve given her a lot to think about so…”

I said, “Yes to everything.”

Annette looked at me and said I need to think this over before we go any further, but I held my hand up. I had decided and knew this was something I needed if I was ever going to find a new place for myself in the world. But of course there’s another issue to face, so I asked Annette to leave the room for a bit so I could talk to the principal.

Once we were alone I said, “There’s something you need to know.”

And I told him all about me and Tom, my hot teacher, and now potentially my biology teacher, how we had already talked about it but I had no idea Annette was bringing me to the school he worked at, and how we agreed that if I do this our relationship will be limited to being a friends for the immediate future. He sat there quietly thinking about what I had just said, and then he got up saying he would be back in second and he was only outside for mere moments, sitting behind his desk and saying nothing. We seemed to be waiting for something.

Five minutes later there was a knock on the door, a knock I have heard before and the principal called Tom in. When he saw me he was surprised, to be fair, until I got here with Annette I had no idea what school we were going to. What followed was a ten minute conversation where it was explained that even though we were both adults, if I were attend the school as a student then it stops now as I will be a student to everyone here.

I looked at Tom and he nodded immediately and said yes to the principal. He knows that I need this, I need something more than sitting at home with bugger all to do. I turned back to Mr Giles and said, “I completely agree. Let me get Annette back.”

Once we were all back in the room and I had introduced Tom to my Therapist (who offered him a couple of sessions to help him with the whole situation as well), we thrashed through the details together, or Annette and the principal told me what they had already agreed would happen. Funnily enough, being told all of this really did make me feel more like my physical age, the grown ups were deciding what will happen to me, and I was just a passenger. And poor Tom, I felt so sorry for him being pulled into this, but of course as he needed to know everything as well.

So this means that in September I would join Year 11, and the story would be that I have been homeschooled due to my family travelling, which will help to explain some of my knowledge gained via experience and the gaps in my knowledge in not going to school for many years, as well as not quite understanding how teenagers behave towards each other these days. One of the gaps I have is that when I left school, the year I would join was known as the fifth year, but now they’ve gone for a much more obvious system of counting. But they had also agreed something I wasn’t so sure of, that Annette would be my ‘guardian’ for any issues.

I said, “I agree with everything, but I think Annette as my “guardian” is a mistake.”

Annette and Mr Giles look at me, and I said, “If one of the reasons I’m doing this is to socialise with people my physical age, then we need to assume that at some point I will go to their houses and they will come to mine. It would look strange if my “guardian’ isn’t there.”

There was silence, so I added, “I have a suggestion.” And once I told them they agreed.

The only other thing I suggested was at least one other teacher knowing about me, specifically the history teacher if I end up doing that subject. Tom, or Mr Alburn while at school said, “Why the history teacher?”

“Well,” I said, “I know a lot of history and what happens if they talk about something that I don’t only remember from the news, but maybe even was actually at?”

After a short silence, Mr Giles agreed and ten minutes later in walked the history teacher. Everything was explained to them, and he said he thought it was unlikely that anything he covers will be something I experienced, so I just said, “I was in the Army.”

All he said was, “Oh.”

There’s no better way to make someone look at your differently when you’re a 14 year old girl than pointing out you were once a soldier.

Anyway, an hour later I was at home and had invited Annette in and we shared a cup of tea while talking it all over once again, making sure I had all the paperwork I would need on t be be ready for my first day. While we talked I rang my solicitor to make an appointment to see him later today, thinking to myself that being a girl is costing me a fortune in legal fees!

Annette left to go back to work and I headed to the solicitor, finding it funny that for a change I was going to his office and looking at the people working there wondering what the young girl was doing here to see him. Once I sat down with him I said, “I need your help. I think I need a nanny and have no idea what I need to do.”

Basically my idea was to have a pretend ‘guardian’ who could take on the role to any outside observers while I was at school, pay them handsomely and get them to sign an NDA, and I needed him to find a suitable one and do all the first rounds of interviews before I say yes or no to them. Three weeks later I was meeting with a 25 year old woman called Jane who had impeccable references and trained in about everything it seemed they would ever need to know to be a nanny, who agreed to move in with me on the basis of leaving me alone unless needed. She was quite nice, pleasant to talk to and I think looking forward to one of the easiest jobs she will ever have that would pay off all her student loans and give her a lot left over. Seriously, I was prepared to pay a lot for them to pretend to be in charge of me around any other school kids and teachers not in the know.

And then I realised there was a second bonus. Once I move into my new home, handily in the school catchment area, an adult living with the school girl will help avoid any questions. There were a lot of details to resolve of course, but as soon as her current contract was over in a months time she was on a retainer for me.

There was one thing I felt very guilty about, and that was Tom. He was going to be my teacher soon, assuming I pick or get assigned to biology, but we will see each other most day and not be able to be together anymore as I promised Mr Giles it would be over. We often talked about it in bed together, saying that we already felt a bit naughty, adding some spice to our relationship. We talked about exactly when we will need to stop sleeping together and sneaking quiet dates and days out together, but we just couldn’t agree a date to stop.

I moved into my new house, and Jane my ‘guardian’ moved in, and we both giggled as we sorted stuff out. She had the second bedroom and suggested that while I would obviously have the master bedroom, I should maybe make the attic bedroom my ‘school girl bedroom’ so that if I do have friends over we can go up there and it would look more like a teen girls room. Seriously, I think I love her already and gave her a big hug, and she helped me make it look right for a, well, a girl my age. She became a big sister to me, not getting too involved with my life but there if I needed her. Of course, I was paying her a lot of money to do just that, but she was cool, and we agreed the story should be I would tell them she’s my aunt.

She thought Tom was a catch, even agreeing to keep our secret from everyone that we were still seeing each other, but she did say I would need to stop it to protect him once I’m at the school. In the end, we agreed that we were unlikely to be able to stop seeing each other considering we would have a constant reminder almost every day just by being in the same place, but we needed to stop the day I went to school. And then he told me to get a boyfriend.

“Wait, you want to me to get a boyfriend?”

“No, I really don’t, but I think you should.”

I lay back in bed and said, “Ok, if you think I should have a boyfriend then you should get a girlfriend too.”

And somehow we agreed that is what we will do, have a kind of open relationship, even at the risk to what it could mean for us. Then I said, “But let’s find a way to meet once a month?”

He rolled over on top of me, kissing me and I opened my legs to accommodate him as he slid into me. I moaned in ecstasy as he slid all the way in, almost gasping for breath with the intensity of his cock inside me. I will never fail to be amazed at how my body envelopes his, taking his entire length, stretching me each time, making my body tingle as the heat from our conjoined genitals spreads through me.

As he slid backwards and forwards with slow strokes inside me, as I raised my hips to meet him, as he kissed me as I kissed him, I felt like the luckiest woman in the world with this man. I said, not breathed, “I love you.”

He nibbled my ear and whispered, “I love you too.”

It was the first time we had said it to each other, I had known how I felt for ages, Annette tried to get me to admit it without saying it to me directly, but now, with him inside me I said it for the first time, the to say it out loud as well.

As he came inside me, flooding me with his sperm, I felt thankful once again that he was a heavy cummer as I loved the feeling I get from him when it happens, how I grip him with my pussy as I orgasm thanks to him, how he makes me feel. What I feel for him is greater than I have ever felt before, maybe that’s my new hormones, maybe it’s what his cock does to me and how he makes me shiver, lose feeling in my right hand when I orgasm with him inside me, I don’t know.

You could say that by saying it during sex it doesn’t count, but I know different. When a man says it during sex they say it as they feel it in that moment, and maybe once we have settled down he will take it back, I don’t know. But I think it’s true for me.

In the morning we were both up early and got dressed, plus he need to go home before going to work. After we had breakfast together and were dressed, I looked at him and said, “Just so you know, I meant what I said.”

He gave me a quick kiss and said, “I know. I meant it too.”

We sat there in silence thinking about what we had both admitted without saying it again.

He said, “And I also meant what I said, you should get a boyfriend, and yes I will try and get a girlfriend.”

I said, “But what about us?”

He leant over and gave me a kiss, saying, “I don’t think I will ever give you up. Hey, guess what?” I looked at him and shrugged, “You really are my old girl!”

I nudged him in the ribs, then kissed him again, which once again got a bit heavy and I could feel his erection pressing against me so I slid down to my knees, opening his trousers and taking out his very hard cock, already dripping pre cum and I licked it up, taking him into my mouth. Although I was very keen to have sex, blowjobs were a line that it took the man in my mouth to help overcome, and giving him a blowie this morning felt perfect after what we just admitted. To be honest, I quite liked sucking him, but this morning was the icing on the cake and as I licked him from the bottom to the tip, taking him into my mouth and playing with his balls, I made sure I got the most from it, hopefully as much as he was.

I really do like his cock, I just wish I could get more than a couple of inches in my mouth as he is quite big and I’m still growing. Anyway, I felt him start to contract and twitch so I locked my lips around him to make sure I got every drop, swallowing it as fast as he pumped it into mouth.

I sat back on my heels and looked up at him, smiling and he lightly stroked my face as he looked into my eyes, saying, “I’m going to be late.”

I put him away and stood up, looking at him holding my hands behind my back and I said, “Do I look cute?”

“Very.”

“Ok, go to work. I’ll see you soon.”

I watched him walk out the door and get in his car to drive away, and I went to brush my teeth. I had a big day today and didn’t want my breath smelling of cum on my first day of school.

I looked in the mirror and thought to myself I really need to go to the hairdresser for the first time and will speak to Jane later to get some advice as I walked out the door in my uniform and my bag on my back.

It’s Friday and I’ve been at school now for three weeks and I’m on my way to see the principal Mr Giles as I’ve been summoned, but at least I know I’m not in trouble.

I did think on my very first day I had blown it and was going to be kicked out, but thankfully word got round about it with the teachers and they thought it was a bit funny, or at least that’s what I can work out from their reactions to me after they heard about it. I was walking through the school and had to go to the main office to get my timetable and be introduced to whichever kid was going to be showing me around, when I saw something that made me, well, react.

There was a kid, about my physical age I guess, being bullied by an older kid who was a lot bigger than him, with the obligatory two friends acting as his goons. Now, I’m not a fan of bullying, never have been and I wished when it happened to me at school I had stood up to them sooner, but also that someone had stood up for me. Back then it took a few of us victims to band together and stand up to them, forming a pact that we would always step in when it happened, outnumbering the bullies and if necessary beating them into submission.

Now of course I have an adults confidence within this body, so when I saw it happen those old feelings came back and I had to stand up for him, even I was shorter than all of them. I walked over and said to victim, “Hi, I’m new and trying to find the office, can you help me?”

The bullied kid looked at me with fear, but also in his eyes was a look that was screaming for help. The main bully looked at me like I was something stuck to his shoe but I was ignoring him completely, so one of his goons told me to ‘fuck off’, and he stepped towards me, lifting up a hand and moved to push me away. Now, as well as being a former infantry soldier who is unlikely to be intimidated by such futile threats, I’ve also done enough martial arts to know what to do in such a way that it looks like an accident.

As his hand was about to touch me I turned my body to the side so he over reached and began to lose his balance and I stepped on his foot as I moved out of his way and using a hand pulled him forward so fell hard to the ground. And while I was doing that I said to the bullied kid, “I would really appreciate your help as I’ve only been here once a few weeks ago, and you know what it’s like trying to find your way around.”

I completely ignored the one of the floor, even though my foot was now on his ankle and applying just enough pressure to keep him down with a bit of pain. Of course, the bullied kid was a bit wide eyed now, so I said, “I’m Louise, but you can call me Lou.”

He looked at the kid I was holding to the ground, and his eyes darted about at the other bullies and the few kids standing around and watching us. He finally said, “Yes. I’m John.”

So he’s taking my offer of way out, which is good, and then the main bully said, “Oi! I’m talking to him so fuck off.”

I turned to face him and he pointed at me, and well, if he wants to help me, who am I not to take such a kind offer? I said, “It’s that way? Great, you can come with us.” And I grabbed his finger, turning it over into a lock and buckling his knees, but I lifted his finger so he couldn’t fall down to escape the pain and said to John, “It’s nice of him to point the way, let’s go John.”

And I started walking holding the bully in a finger lock and John came along as the crowds of kids in the halls parted to let us through as we headed towards the offices.

I chatted to John about the school, asking questions to try and get him to both talk to me, and also relax and it turned out he was in the same year as me, so at least I have made one friend while dragging along a possible enemy. Oh the joys of school!

We passed Mr Alburn on the way, my Tom, and I stopped and said, “Hi, I’m new here and John is helping me find the office, and this one is pointing the way. It’s along here, right?”

Tom was struggling not to laugh, not that John or the bully would know that, but like every school all the teachers know who the troublemakers are and I was clearly dragging one of them along. He said, “That’s correct, just along here a bit more. John, thank you for being a good friend to the new student, and of course, thank you as well Christopher, it’s nice to see you being so helpful for a change.”

I choose that moment to apply a bit more pressure making him whelp in pain as his knees buckled but I was stopping him from falling down. We headed on our merry little way, with John and Christopher both looking back at Mr Alburn, one hoping he would him and the other wondering why he didn’t intervene. Before we got to the office, I applied more pressure on his finger and forced him back against the wall, keeping plenty of pressure on and more than enough for him to want to cry out in pain, while keeping it at a level that his ego will stop him from doing that.

I lent towards him and said right into his ear, “Listen here cunt, you think you’re hard but I want to make it clear you come at me or any of my friends and I will break every bone in your arms and you will be asking your mum to wipe your arse every day, and one of your friends to hold your cock as you piss. You are nothing and will always be nothing. I’ve chewed up tougher guys than you and spat them out. You fuck around with any of us and I will be on you before you have the slightest idea of what is happening. You think you’re alpha? You’re nothing to me, and I can make you nothing. You hear me?”

He said nothing, so I applied more pressure and asked him again, and he nodded. “Not good enough.” I took hold of his arm and applied a bit of pressure on a nerve ending and as his face screwed up in pain he said, “Yes. I won’t do anything.”

I pushed him away and his knees finally buckled and he knelt there holding his finger, so I offered a little compassion now I had got my point across, I didn’t want him plotting revenge. “Shake your hand lightly, there’s no damage and the pain will go very quickly.” He did just that and I could see the relief on his face.

He looked at me, and I could see for a second he was thinking about how to get back at me, so I stepped forward slowly and helped him up, saying, “I am serious, but I have no desire to hurt you or embarrass you anymore than I have. Just try and be a nice person, you will get a lot further that way.”

He stood there and looked at me, not quite sure what to do, so I turned back to John slipping my arm into his I walked him towards the office, trying to put the more intense parts of my life behind me again. I stopped wanting to be that guy years ago, but it’s nice to know that if I need to, I can still be quite threatening with my much shorter and lighter frame.

Ok, I’ll admit it, there was a part of me that enjoyed it.

Anyway, while waiting to get my schedule and hopefully a map to help find places, I chatted to John and to help reassure him I never mentioned what had just happened. He’s 15, turning 16 in November and a I could tell he was a nice guy. I could tell he was a little nervous around me, and I put it down to him being a bit shy around girls, but as he was also in my tutor group and we would be heading the same way most mornings and we had some of the same classes he had time to get over that.

Once we joined the rest of our tutor group and I was introduced to the class, making me wonder if my tutor knew about me, John showed me to English, followed by English Lit, covering all the mornings classes. As for the rest of the week, each class was about what would happen in our GCSE year and I found myself paying a lot more attention this time round at school. I hadn’t really been that interested previously, but now I had a very different outlook on life. Of course word had got round about the new girl, including how I stood up to the bullies, but I played that down and just said that John played a part as well and it wasn’t all me. Christopher and his cronies gave me a wide berth, and if I saw them looking at someone in a way I didn’t like I just walked towards them and they left.

My other classes this year were maths, sociology, combined science, citizenship, history, drama, media studies, and physical education. The last one was quite funny as it was the first time I had stripped of in front of only women and of course there was nothing to worry about and it was just like my experience of locker rooms with guys really, but nicer smelling. There were those who were quite comfortable getting changed, those that were very uncomfortable and the rest in the middle. While I was quite body confident, I picked the middle ground and just kept my back to people. The sports we played were of course different to what I did in the past, although we did play more football than I expected, so at least I knew what to do for that game. The other sports we did I had some familiarity with, although I really sucked at netball.

I was slowly forming friendships with girls, leaning that women are always sounding each other out in very different way to how men do it. There’s still competition, but rather than it all being about the physical side of it, who is stronger and who will win, with girls it’s more of an undercurrent. If a guy doesn't like another guy they will be polite but have little to do with him, but with girls, well, not liking them means you are trying to insult them without it being obvious while trying to sound like you’re a friend.

In the meantime, I fell in with John, he’s a good guy and he became my main school friend, but also hanging with some of his friends. I found it harder to connect to them, maybe because they were, well, boys, but I found that the looks I got from them were uncomfortable sometimes, clearly wondering what I look like naked and trying to find ways to impress me in the hope of seeing me that way. I don’t know if it’s my new femininity or my experience, but their attempts at impressing me seemed kinda dumb. I really hope I wasn't like that, but I must have been just another hormonal teenager.

And then there was my combined science class on Thursdays. That was a bit awkward really at first, more awkward than I hoped it would be. Yes, Tom was my teacher and it was really hard to keep reminding myself to call him Mr Alburn. Really hard and I almost slipped up a couple of times. We had been texting a little during our self imposed distance from each other, but we were very much on a break and I know I was wishing we weren’t. And then yesterday, well, I was missing him a lot so in the morning I sent him a text. We had agreed to change each others names on our phones in case someone saw either’s name when we text and on mine he was HT for Hot Teacher, and I was OG for Old Girl.

The text I sent was quite simple, right before I left for school and it said, ‘I’m not wearing any underwear today.’ He put a heart on it, then I saw the three dots as he typed, saying ‘Oh no! Not today, please not today!’ I replied, ‘Too late, half way there now.’

I soon walked through the gates to the school, wondering if my tights were thick enough to keep me covered considering the shortness of my skirt and if I should have thought this through more clearly. Not only that, why do they insist on such a short skirt now? When I originally went to school girls would be in trouble if their skirts were longer than mine is, but here I am in a short pencil skirt that really does only just cover me.

I am so so stupid!

Anyway, as nervous as I felt all day, my combined science lesson was a lot of fun. I was close enough to the front that I could tease him a little, putting one foot on the chair as I sat there, and then the other thing I did, well, that’s his fault and I take no blame for it. That particular class had some group work assigned and I stood up, moving around so I stood in front of my groups two tables that had been pushed together, with my back was to him. I stood with my feet a bit more than shoulder width apart, kept my legs straight and bent at the waist, pointing a part of myself at him. I didn’t do it for too long, but more than long enough, and after the class I got a text that just said ‘Bitch. Please don’t do that again, it was very hard for me’.

I promised not to, but we were hoping to meet up this weekend so I would make it up to him.

So back to today. I arrived at the principals office, knocked and was called in. Mr Giles pointed to the seat in front of his desk and said, “Hello Louise, how are you settling in?”

And we talked for about ten minutes about my first couple of weeks, the reports his got back about me, laughing at one of the first bits of feedback I got was that I didn't need to Harvard Reference my essays, telling me that the teachers are quite impressed with me, but also that I am quite quiet and not very forward in putting my hand up in class to answer questions. I pointed out that in media studies the teacher was talking about the Star Wars prequels being released and that I was in the cinema queue when the first one came out in 1977. Sometimes it’s easier for me not to say much.

He said, “Yes, I can understand that and I’m happy to say to anyone that you’re probably just settling in to the new school.” He paused to think about something then said, “And what about your combined science class, how are you finding that?”

I heard a voice in my head tell me it’s a trap. “Well, it’s a long time since I studied a science class and I obviously have a lot of gaps in knowledge, but the reading that was assigned to me before the year started has helped a lot.”

He waited for me to say something, but I’m smart enough to not jump in a hole before I know how deep it is.

“And how are you getting on with the teachers?”

There it is, but is he fishing or does he know something. I said, “I like them, I mean, I hardly know them but they all seem to be very good and the classes are run well.”

“And Mr Alburn?”

“Well he knows about me, and I think he is being kind enough to help by putting me with students who are much better than me, and I know to keep my mouth shut and not hold them back so I don’t impact their future grades.”

“And are you kind to him?”

I was a little upset at that, I will always be kind to him and said so. Then he said, “Hmmm, I visited his classroom yesterday while you were there. You won’t have noticed as you were deep into conversation in some group work, so I need to ask, if you are kind to him, why did you do what you did yesterday.”

I tried to feign ignorance but I could feel my face burning and I must have been glowing like a lightbulb. I went to say something but stopped myself, not sure what I could say, then realising that while I was flashing my pussy at Tom through my tights, Mr Giles saw it as well.

I said, “I’m sorry. I promise we are over, in fact I have a date tonight with a sixth former,” and I saw the surprise on his face at that, “It’s just that this self enforced separation is tough on me. He’s a great friend, more than that even. And while I like John in my class, who’s been great by the way, what I have with him isn’t the same as I have with Tom and I’m hoping my date tonight, I was only asked out today, will help. I know Tom, sorry, Mr Alburn has a date this weekend, and while we both agreed to the need to see others, it’s not always easy. After all, that’s why I’m here, to try and help that.”

He sat there quietly thinking for a moment before he spoke. “Thank you for telling me, I know this has to be difficult for you, but you did promise not to cause any problems, and well, you could have got Mr Alburn into a lot of trouble. Please wear underwear to school in future.”

I looked at him feeling quite guilty, but being asked to wear underwear to school by the principal is quite funny and I started to laugh and he did as well. When we settled down he said, “You know, I always expected you and Tom to keep seeing other in secret.”

I sensed I had my poker face back, but decided to be honest. “Nope. But we still text each other, and we might break our resolve at some point, but he wants me to have a boyfriend and I want him to have a girlfriend.” There, I’m being honest-ish, as we are planning on seeing each other next weekend, but he doesn't need to know that.

He said, “That’s good, I would hate it if one of the teachers suspected something.”

I’m not sure why, I was probably intending it to be a joke, but I said, “I suppose I could offer them a blow job to keep quiet if they suspect it.”

He went bright red, and I realised that yesterday he was suspecting it, and my ‘joke’ that was said with a straight face just made him uncomfortable. And then he shifted in his seat. Oh my god, I just gave my principal a boner.

I thought to myself, ‘fuck it, I’m technically single and we both know I’m an adult.’ I looked at him and crossed my legs, sitting a bit more upright to push my boobs out. And said, “It’s a shame none of them know that it wouldn’t be wrong if they accepted it, but you did make me promise to be a good girl.”

I am really getting the hang of this flirting thing.

He said, “Well, I am glad you have a date, with a sixth former you said?”

“Yeah, but that’s just a trial date for me, I suspect he will be a bit dull and shy like most teenagers. Can I ask a question?” I licked my lips as he nodded and I could tell I was having an effect on him. “Did you suspect something yesterday between me and Tom when you saw me bent over?”

I wanted to put the image in his head, and like all men when the blood is up they have a glass forehead allowing you to see their thoughts. He said, “Well, I mean, seeing you like that…”

I said, “Well it’s lucky you know the truth so I don’t need to offer you a blow job.” And he laughed a little too quickly and a little more uncomfortably than he meant to. I stood up, smoothing out my top and skirt by running my hands down the sides of my body, and said, “Are we likely to be disturbed if I gave you one right now?”

A look crossed his face, clearly concerned about that happening, and also, for just a moment wondering if it’s wrong, so I helped him by saying, “I am an adult and it wouldn't be wrong if you said yes?”

I wanted to know if he would, not because I wanted something to hold it over him, but I’ve gone without sex since I started at the school and I wasn’t expecting to get any until next week. I wanted something, anything, so I stood up and moved towards him, pleased that there was a huge bush outside his window that blocked all views in, and stood next to him leaning back onto his desk as I said, “Please, I would like to.”

He said nothing, just licked his lips with a touch of nerves, but I knew he wasn’t thinking straight right now, so I lowered myself to my knees, putting one hand on his leg and moving in front of him and between his legs, running my hands up them, reaching his belt buckle and I started to undo it. I would be surprised if he had never fantasied about this with an older student, he is a man after all, and now here one was offering it to him.

That evening I was waiting for my date at starbucks, thinking how happy I was that I had sucked the principals cock in his office and swallowed his load, hoping that he will invite me back in a couple of weeks to see how I’m doing. He was quite attentive while I was down there and I kept expecting him to feel guilty and push me off, but as I said afterwards, I’m only sort of a student here, and unlike all the others I can walk out at anytime and there is nothing anyone can do about it. It's my choice to be here, and it’s my choice to do this. But I also thought about Tom. I needed to have a discussion with him about how much we share about our dates with each other, as part of me wants to know how his date goes, and part of me wants to scratch her eyes out. Anyway, my date just arrived and he looks kinda cute and like me he has dressed up a little so lets see how it goes.

So, my earlier date with the sixth former was a bit dull. He was so nervous it was an absolute nightmare to get him to talk to me, and when he nervously took my hand as we left and walked me home. I really didn’t want him to, I wanted to be elsewhere by a very long way, but he was cute in a clueless way. I did kiss him goodbye, and like I said he was nervous but also super aroused and I felt it press against me and I was worried it was going to blow.

The following weekend I was in bed with Tom at his house on Saturday afternoon and we had made love a couple of times already and were just laying there, talking about our dates over the previous week. His went quite well, they went for a drink and chatted about lots of things, and he described her to me. She was 29 and divorced, and all the things he was telling me about her were, well, all the negatives. When he described her hair to me, he talked about how there was a bit that stuck out at ninety degrees and he found himself looking at it a lot, even when she got back from the toilets wondering why she hadn’t brushed it down. He also wasn’t sure if she had put a lot of effort in to get ready for the date, or if she wanted it to look that way.

I stopped playing with his chest hair and said, “You don’t need to worry, I’m not jealous and do understand that we both need to do this. Now tell me what you liked about her?”

He was quiet for a moment before he told me that he actually quite liked that she didn’t look like she over prepared, he enjoyed talking to her and they have been texting a bit while they plan for their next date. I gave him a kiss and said, “Good, I think you deserve to have a date where you can sit in a pub without any fear that someone will report you. I can see it in your eyes sometimes, and I really do understand.”

He gave me a kiss and rolled me on top of him, and while he wasn’t hard, we had already had quite a bit of sex this morning, it was actually really romantic. He said, “But there is one thing I don’t like about her. Yes it is nice to be able to be out and about and not feel those judging eyes on me, but she isn’t you. I miss being able to, well, show off the girl I love to everyone on the planet.”

I lay there with my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat while I thought it over and said, “Geez, get over yourself. Stalker much!”

He slapped my bottom and I could feel him laughing silently. We fell asleep like that, just laying there and waking up a couple of hours later to a kiss on my forehead. I rolled over and watched Tom get out of bed and pull on a pair of sweat pants and a tee shirt, he gave me a smile and walked out heading downstairs, using his head to call me along. I stood up and looked at my clothes on the floor and thought to myself, with all the men that have seen me naked, the one who has seen the least of it is Tom. So I got out of bed and followed him.

I looked for my bag in the living room, taking something out and following him into the kitchen, putting it on as I went. He turned to see me standing there with a playboy bunny mask on and nothing else. He started laughing and said, “I have so many questions right now.” And hugged me giving me a kiss.

I said, “Well, you see, if you’re going on a date, then I think it’s only fair that while we wait till next month, I give you something to help remind you of what you’re missing, and more importantly, that if someone see’s it you won’t get arrested.” And I handed him his phone and did a pose.

He took one photo and said, “One is more than enough for me.”

I wasn’t so sure so I walked into his living room and laid down as seductively as I could on the sofa and said, “Please, take one more.”

He lifted the phone but stopped when his doorbell rang, told me he’ll be back in a second. I sat there waiting while he talked to someone at the door for a couple of minutes, then heard it shut, so I adopted a new pose, a shall we say more welcoming pose using some of my new found flexibility. A man appeared in the room and said, “Oh shit, sorry.”

I turned my head to look and Tom was standing there with a scared look on his face, and if I had been paying attention I would have heard him say more loudly than he needed to ‘we’ll just go into the living room’, but I didn’t, I was trying to turn on my sorta but pretending we aren’t lovers, boyfriend. The reason he looked so scared is the man is my English Lit teacher, and here I am on all fours with my arse in the air pointing at the door.

I jumped to my feet and tried to hide myself, not my nakednesses as he’s seen everything, but hide who I am. I tried to make my voice sound husky and a bit deeper as I said, “Hi, I’m Lauren and me and Tom are fuck buddies. How are you?” Tom let out the breath he had been holding as my English Lit teacher said hi back and looked at Tom, offering to leave. I said, “Why?”

So right now, I’m still quite horny and here’s another man seeing me naked, but my main priority is to protect Tom. And I think I have a plan. I told my English Lit teacher to sit down, and asked Tom to come with me to the kitchen to help me with the drinks. Once in there we had a very quick whispered conversation and he agreed, seeing my point that any other way would risk something blowing up against him. I don’t know if he was happy about it, but he went along with me, and later told me it was more fun than he expected.

I walked back into the living room carrying a bottle of beer for my English Lit teacher, handed it to him, but never let go as he pulled it towards himself, using it as a way for him to pull me in as I straddle his lap. “Any buddy of Tom’s is a friend of mine.”

I took a sip of his beer, leant in and kissed him, letting the beer fall from my mouth into his, and could feel him respond between my legs. Tom left us alone and I started to unbutton his shirt as we kissed, feeling his hand reach for my back and slide down to my bum and legs. I think he was a bit nervous to touch me, so I took his hands and put them on my boobs as I put his beer out of the way, then reached for him. I needed to be quick to make this work.

He went to remove my mask but I moved in for a kiss to make sure it stayed in place as I took his cock out. It was a decent size, smaller than Tom but bigger than my last date. Yes, I had a feel, I’m not proud of it, but it is kinda the point for me to go to school.

Anyway, while I was horny, I also wanted to protect Tom, not hurt him, so while he felt my boobs up a little clumsily and I stroked his cock, I tried to encourage him to kiss and lick my boobs. I wasn’t really getting a lot of pleasure of this, my mind wasn’t focused on the moment and the please like with Tom, I was being quite detached and making sure that what happened is what I wanted and nothing more.

When he finally started licking my nipples, one of his hands made it way down my stomach, and his fingers found their way inside me. I looked over my shoulder and Tom had come back and while moaning in my English Lit teachers ear, I used my eyes to tell Tom to take a seat next to us. I leant my head backward and he followed me, keeping my nipples in his mouth making me wonder if he was breast fed the way he is gong for it, but I kept laying backwards, so he had to lean back and let his fingers do the walking.

I could see Tom watching us, and I tried to get him to put a stop to this with my eyes, trying to send the signal but he was smiling as he looked at me. Enough was enough, I felt I had made the point and now he should be ready to talk without throwing a wobbly, but instead, as I sat back up to begin faking an orgasm, he beat me too it, shooting his seed first over my stomach and breasts, but because I sat up I got a fair bit of coverage over my vagina. I thought to myself, ‘fuck it’. I had asked Tom with my eyes to enact out hasty plan, but he didn’t, so I pushed down and his cock entered me as it was still humming, getting at least two good squirts of cum inside me.

As I slowed down met fake orgasm and my English Lit teacher stayed inside me as he came down from his high, Tom said, “She’s good isn’t she Brendan?”

My English Lit teacher, apparently with the first name of Brendan said, “Jesus, no wonder you tried to get rid of me. Lauren, you’re awesome.”

I said using my normal voice, “Thanks, but that’s not my name.” And I took the mask off. He looked at me with a smile on his face, and as recognition slowly faded in. I said, “Hello sir, I’m not moving until you listen to us both.”

I pushed myself down to make sure his flagging erection didn’t slide out of me, almost sucking him in. Of course he panicked a little, but slowly we got him to listen and explain who I am and my story, why I’m at school and that he hasn’t broken any laws. He did shrink a bit at the start of the explanation, but once he started to believe us, well, let’s just say it’s not everyday your English teachers cock grows inside you. I said, “But me and Tom are breaking an agreement we made with Mr Giles, to not see each other while at I was at school.”

He looked at Tom and said, “Jason knows?”

Tom nodded and I said, “I’m going to get off you now. Can you hand me those tissues please?”

I was really worried about his cum instantly falling out of me, and well, this is embarrassing enough already. As I climbed off him I looked at Tom and mouthed that I was sorry, but he gave me a smile and mouthed back that it was ok. So the outcome of mine and Tom’s first once a month get together ended up with me giving myself to another man to protect the man I love. I thought to myself, I have definitely seen that movie a few times!

And it turns out the man I love quite enjoyed watching me, and before Brendan left I decided I wanted to try a spit roast. It was ok, but later that evening when Tom and I talked about it we agreed it was fun, but lets wait to explore this again. While I was ok with being with him and another man, exploring the idea of threesomes, with both men and women, but right now the only women I know definitely aren’t available for that kind of thing.

Anyway, our interlude with each other was over for a few weeks and school life carried on, but at least my English Lit teacher wasn’t being creepy after what happened and was happy to let me just on with my work in class. But I also had a second date with the sixth former, which became a third date, and that raised an question I googled in the toilets of the cinema. There’s hardly a lot of places teens can go for dates.

I searched for an answer to “at what age is a third date a third date?”

As an adult I know that a third date is likely the time we would have sex, but is that true now? I know that more and more kids are sexually active when younger, but what is the etiquette around this? I decided to see what happens and take his lead, which in itself is funny as he’s a teen boy and it’s not like I don’t know what leads a teen boy. I walked out the cinema and looked back at my date and knew the look that crossed his face too well.

I will say that being kissed and fingered up against a wall out of sight of those walking past wasn’t the worst experience in my life, in fact it was quite nice. He wasn’t very skilled, but he wasn’t stabbing away at my insides like he was completely clueless and he almost found my clit a few times. At least fingering me stopped him from trying to find my tonsils with his tongue.

There’s some potential to work with here, maybe I can improve him for other girls in the future, but I decided to end it on the fifth date with a blow job, and he seemed happy with that.

School continued and the level of homework and expectations put on us slowly increased and I felt sorry for those in school today. The pressure is quite high so I’m not surprised they ‘crack’ every now and then and go a bit over the top in their free time. I quite enjoyed teasing Brendan every now and then, or Mr Hughes as I normally call him, but then I had to threaten him with silence by saying if I heard a single rumour about the truth of who I am or any risk to Tom, I would start telling the girls at school that he keeps looking at me inappropriately. The fear on his face told me I got the message across, and he never asked for a repeat of our threesome. Besides, I wasn’t ready yet for the thing he wanted to do to me that evening, and him trying to do it without asking permission to slip up my bum pissed me off.

My school friend John was a funny one though, he was clearly into girls as I would catch him looking at other girls as well as me sometimes, and while I tried to set him up on dates, his nerves got the better of talking to them, and I couldn’t understand it. None of the girls had the confidence to jump past his nerves and and help him out by asking him out, even though they knew he was trying to ask and I felt very sorry for him. I had hoped that him talking to us socially would help him get over it, but the nerves I witnessed when we first met were still there.

But the time came for Tom to come round to mine for our next rendezvous just before the end of the half term break, and we always seem to jump into bed with other to help satisfy our passion before we talk about the more serious stuff. I talked about John and his nerves, trying to get some input from him and he said the same that I was thinking, he’s just nervous and will either get over it during university or never get over it. It did worry me as he was a genuine friend and I wanted to help, but every time I see that he wants to ask a girl out, no matter what I do he can’t say it and even telling the girls he is going to ask first the still don’t suggest it themselves.

We lay in bed chatting to each other when the doorbell went and I heard Jane open it and talk to someone and the voices sounded like teenage girls. I looked at Tom and his eyes were as wide as mine as we scrambled out of bed and pulled on clothes when Jane walked in as we were getting dressed. She saw Tom, gave me a smile and a look that I knew only too well as he pulled up his pants and covered up, and said, “Some of your friends are in the kitchen raiding the fridge. Tom, stay here and be quiet till she gets them to her other bedroom.”

She threw a can of deodorant at me saying to be quick, and I finished getting ready and sprayed myself down hoping to hide the smell of sex till I get rid of them. Heading downstairs I joined the girls in the kitchen, trying to remember if I had invited them around, but they said they were passing and thought they would drop in. Once everyone had some snacks and a can of soft drink, I took them up to the attic room, hoping it wasn’t too dusty as I hadn’t checked it for a few weeks and walking in I reminded myself how grateful I am for Jane. She had arranged everything like it was a film set, clothes strewn around, a few glasses and had even made the bed a bit messy to look like I hadn’t made it. If anything it looked like I had just left it and my school laptop was open but turned off on the bed.

While we were chatting away about music and as always I tried to keep up with them on the latest bands, I put the music on that I really like, some good and classic stuff from the eighties and nineties, giving them an explainer of who they are and what makes Pearl Jam just as good as Nirvana. All the time I was listening carefully to see if I could hear Tom leave, and desperately sad I that I was missing giving him a kiss goodbye.

When they left around 8pm, I went back to my real bedroom and laid on the bed which still smelled like Tom. I picked up my phone and sent a quick message saying how sorry I was, but he said it was ok. God I miss him so much and I’ve still got until July to put up with this, and the risk of losing him. I fell asleep crying, with Jane laying next to me reminding me that I’m doing this not just for me, but also for him. And she’s right, I am doing this for him as well. I need to physically grow up to be with him, and I’m dreading next week as there’s a school trip as part of my media studies course to London at an art gallery, and Tom is one of the teacher chaperones.

It will be a nightmare for me. My old company did the marketing for the gallery, so I’m scared that it will feel like two worlds colliding.

The next couple of weeks of school were ok, but I was plagued with regret. I don’t regret using my body and femininity to protect Tom, even letting my body be used to do so, but I think the threesome was a bad idea. I wasn’t ready to do something like that, and I know I only did it as he said he kinda liked watching, but me, as a growing woman, well, that’s a different thing. I am glad it happened, I enjoyed parts of it, but I don’t think it would have been my choice, or at least, not at that time in my development. I suspect I’m not alone in this and many other girls do similar things, but my connection with the other girls at school wasn’t at the point where I felt comfortable enough to share that I was spit roasted.

Anyway, I had a good chat with Tom about it. He is such a gentleman that he didn’t just apologise for it, he thought he had pressured me into it and I hugged him so hard I thought I would hurt myself as I apologised for making him even think that. We’re a couple of dummies really, both trying to keep the other happy in a very messed up situation. My school uniform aside, we are adults and both know we should have talked about it before we let something like that happen.

When I finally opened up to Annette about it, she was cross with me, and I felt awful. It reminded me of those times when I was a kid, well, I kinda am right now, and she pointed out that I was in the development stages of being a new person, and the whole point of being at school was to help me develop. She knew about Tom, but was worried that I was still a bit fixated on him and needed to be a girl more.

I said, “I don’t think I can give him up, not completely.”

She smiled at me and handed me a box of tissues, just seconds before the tears broke. But she made me feel better, telling me that I don’t need to give him up, I just need to remember who I am right now. She also talked about the concerns she had about my English Lit teacher, but I reassured her that I have scared him from looking at any girl, ‘Besides, he did think I was an adult at first.’

But today, today I am getting ready for a school trip and as I don’t need to wear a uniform for it I am struggling to pick what to wear. Jane helped me, as she wasn’t sure my original idea of jeans and tee shirt was a good choice for the day, picking some things that were a lot lighter in colour. I left my jacket on the bus when we went in as I didn’t want to drag it around with me as we walked around the art gallery. I am pleased to report that I didn’t see anyone I had worked with there, although to be honest that wasn’t likely. My employees did most of that, I was just involved with the contract negotiations and final sign off, but a part of me was hoping to see some record of that work still in existence.

I wasn’t in the mood to walk around with a load of girls today, I’m still struggling to connect with them, the whole mental age difference and lack of things in common on an emotional level seemed to create too many barriers. I just don’t feel like they are my peers. With John it was different, maybe due to how I met him on that first day and knowing what it was like for him, or maybe it was our shared love of pop culture, not that I could tell him that I lived through a lot of the things we both loved.

I had been struggling to think of what to get him for his birthday yesterday, trying to work out what other kids buy for each other as I really didn’t want to spend a fortune and it look weird, but in the end I didn’t buy him anything, but took something from a box in my unused garage, a classic Star Wars poster that had been singed by a couple of the cast I had picked up on my travels at a convention in the states. Not the big names, just some of the others who were in it, and he loved it.

I’m really not sure I would have survived being at school without him, so I’m not sure if it was enough to say thanks to him. When we were dropped off at school I got him to ask his parents if he could come to mine for something to eat, and they said yes. They were a little strict on him sometimes, but it was only to make sure he focused on his schoolwork, and I completely got that. Anyway, we ordered in pizza and chatted away with Jane passing through the kitchen every now and then, and I said, “Your birthday, I think there’s something else I want to give you.”

John said, “Why, the poster is awesome! Did you know it was an original from when it was first released in America?”

I didn’t actually, I just liked it and had the money to buy it and a blank wall to fill. I shrugged and said, “That’s ok, but I still want to give you something.”

“No, you don’t.”

“You don’t even know what I want to give you, you might like it.”

It was his turn to shrug, saying “What it is?”

I blushed and said, “Me.”

I was guessing he was a virgin, and with his nerves the first time will be awful and he might even get chewed up and spat out by his first girlfriend. I’m really hoping this will help him, plus, I wanted to do this with him. It would be nice to do it with someone my physical age I actually like. He sat there looking at me, trying to work out what I was saying and he was about to ask a question, so I nodded and said, “Yes, that’s what I’m offering. You don’t have to collect your gift now, but I want you to know I’m here and ready to deliver it whenever you want it.”

Now he was blushing and sneaking some looks at me, so I explained the conditions around it, specifically that this is two friends who will have sex over a particular period of times, however many times he wants with that period, but that will be the end of it. Afterwards we will remain friends and nothing more.

He was quiet for a while after that, and we just sat there eating pizza and when he headed home he said he will see me the next day. Later that evening I got a text from him that just said ‘for real’. I almost sent a nude to him to prove it, but remembered that while he is now 16 and above the age of consent, he is still below the legal age of 18 that allows him to see that sort of content and I really don’t want to be arrested.

I replied with ‘yes’, but heard nothing else from him that night.

The next day when I arrived at school, he came over to say hello and asked me what I was doing on Saturday, blushing to his core so it’s pretty clear what he is asking me, so I said I was free all day. So on Saturday at 10am he knocked on my door and Jane let him in, saying I was in my bedroom. He came up to the attic room and left the door open, he has to do that when I visit him, so I told him to close the door and join me. We sat on the bed and he was clearly nervous, so it was up to me to relax him. I stood up and took off my tee shirt dress then sat back down completely naked, looked at him and said, “Your turn.”

He was nervous and a bit fumbling as he undressed, finally getting down to his underwear and to save him any further embarrassment, I climbed into bed and held up the duvet to invite him in. Once under the covers I suggested he take off his underwear, and turned on my side to face him, hoping he would do the same as I said, “We can stay here like this as long as you want.”

I took his hand and held it as he turned to face me, and just talked to him, waiting for him to begin to relax, and before long we were talking and laughing like always. When I thought he was ready I said, “You know, men are always looking at women, so I think it’s my turn.”

I started to slowly pull down the duvet, and before long his chest was exposed along with my breasts. He looked at them of course, but then our stomachs were exposed, the lower part of our stomachs and as I started to pull it a bit lower, he stopped me, saying, “It’s ok for you girls, it’s not obvious when you’re turned on.”

I said, “Trust me, if you know what to look for it’s pretty obvious. Pay attention.”

And I kept pulling to down till I needed to use my legs to kick it slowly off the bed.

He left to go home around 6pm as he was doing something with his parents and I made him take a shower before leaving. I will say it was a reasonably enjoyable day for me, but I would say for him it was very enjoyable. The last time I let him be inside me without a condom, but I thought for the first few times he needed to know how to use one properly, explaining that I was on birth control - which surprised him - but I wanted to be sure that in the future he does everything right, teaching him how to be a good lover.

I won’t share the details, but I will say that teen boys have a lot of energy with a short recovery time, so the first hour was three times, each getting longer in duration, then three more times after that. It did help with his nerves around girls, becoming a bit better at talking to them. I think I helped him get over the worst part of waiting and hoping it would happen, now I just need to hope that next time he doesn't get hurt, and I’m pleased he never once shared with anyone what happened between us.

And we never did it again.

But…

I guess I should talk about sixth formers. I can’t say they are great in bed, but I can say that over the next couple of months I had a few more dates with a few of them, and yes, I slept with some which was probably all part of me working through what happened with the English Lit teacher. I was always honest with Tom about it, and he was honest with me about his dates. It’s strange laying in bed with your boyfriend who you only really get to spend time with once a month, talking about the dates you’ve been on, covering every single detail with them. We’d had a couples therapy session with Annette, and it was one of the things we talked about during it.

Her advice, not to mention Tom’s, was that I needed to grow as a woman, my advice to him was to have dates to help with the fact that I was on them as well. But as we wanted to be together, the only way to get through it was brutal honesty. Sometimes it was tough on both of us, but it was like there were two versions of us. The school girl version of me, and the teacher version of him. Those two knew each other, but the two people here in bed talking right now, were the ones who matter and while one day they will both be the same people, right now, we just have to accept it. But my fear of losing him never went away, so I focused on one day losing my teacher, and then on getting my friend and my lover back, assuming I stay the same person of course.

Christmas came and went, a lonely affair for me as Jane was with her Family and Tom went to his, but I was glad that Jane had got me plenty of wine and cigarettes to keep me going. The new term started and now things got really crazy at school and I had some decisions to make, I was allowed to stay to the end, and Mr Giles gave me the option of taking some GCSEs as I had put the work in, or I could drop out when the exams started.

Strangely, I wanted to do them, partly to test myself, and also to give me the opportunity to put an end to this part of my life. I was now only going to the hospital once a month for checks and examinations, and they said I was developing quite normally, growing up as would be expected and they wanted to publish a paper about what happened to me. I got them to agree to a few things such as not to give too much detail on the changes to my physical appearance - they said they wouldn’t - and also when they would submit it. I wanted to be out of the country when it happened, so that was when I was going to go on holiday.

I talked it over with Tom, and he wanted to come with me, our first real couples holiday, so I got him to book the time from work and let me do everything else. I had something to look forward to beyond my exams.

And the exams were a nightmare! I had done the work, but wasn’t particularly worried about the outcome as unlike my friends, it had no meaning or impact on my immediate future, but I really felt for the others. John was doing nine in total, and horrendously stressed over it, not quite understanding why I seemed so relaxed. It’s not like I could tell him that as he was doing A Levels these result were meaningless, and the next exams will be a year after he leaves and starts doing something else.

Once they were done though, everyone relaxed and it was prom night, which I wasn’t really wasn’t sure about. In my days there would be school disco’s, a chance to sneak in some beer, but this was a new thing for me. I went shopping for a dress, and of course there was the issue about being asked to go with someone. At first I was hoping that John would ask me, but he asked another girl, and one of the other kids in my year asked me. My biggest concern then was his age, but thankfully he was old enough for me not to worry.

I rented a limo to pick up John and his date, then it picked up me and mine and it was a weird evening and another new experience for me. We had our photos taken, held hands, danced, chatted and walked around the school in groups. Sometimes a couple would break away, and then my date gently pulled me in one direction and I decided to follow so I didn’t spoil it for him. He was an okay kisser and I got fingered while giving him a hand job. He was very excited about that and it only just missed my dress, making me furious at him.

I saw Tom as I walked back into the hall, and gave him a smile. He took his phone out his pocket and seconds later I felt mine vibrate as he told me I looked beautiful.

I love that man so much.

I got a cab home by myself, and sent him a text saying to come here and ravish me when he manages to leave, and my doorbell went the moment I hit send. I really hope it’s not my date hoping for more after I abandoned him, but when I opened it Tom was there, holding a bunch of roses and asked me if I wanted to dance.

Jane came home an hour later to find us in the living room slow dancing to some romantic music, giving me a smile and leaving us alone. Waking up in my bed with my boyfriend was amazing and I highly recommend it, especially when you get to do it for a whole week in a row.

After our week just being together, we got up early to go the airport. Tom had kept asking if he would need a visa, but I kept reassuring him there was nothing to worry about as we arrived at Heathrow and checked in. He was really surprised when we headed to the first class lounge and then I showed him his ticket. We were going to Florida to Disney World as I was quite sure none of the class were likely to be there.

We stayed in one of the big resort hotels and I spoiled him rotten for putting up with me and all my shenanigans at school, and that I knew he was lying about those dates he went on and how well they went. And while we were there I told him about the plans Annette had suggested and that I was going to be going away for four months on an exchange programme.

He said, “I know, she told me about it before she spoke to you. You need to be away from me while you continue growing into the amazing woman you’re becoming. Right now I’m a reminder of who you were, and you still need to find out who you are. I like you and I love you. I can wait.”

Well, I spoiled him a lot more after that.

The last couple of days had been a whirlwind of activity, getting my bags packed, making sure I had not just everything I needed, but also planning ahead or those things I might need, and one of those things was asking Jane to stay in my house for a little while longer, and thankfully she was happy to. I needed her there as an ‘emergency’ contact, the person the family I will be staying with can get in touch with as part of my cover of being a schoolgirl.

Tom drove me up to the airport this morning, and so far I’m five hours in to the flight and I think I’ve just stopped crying. I’m going to miss him, but Annette is right, I need to be away from him, My teen girl hormones are messing me up, making me feel things more intensely, and while I have no doubt about Tom’s feelings for me, I have to wonder a bit now about mine for him. What she shared with me has made me second guess everything about my feelings for him. Is it just the new hormones in my body, my new sexual orientation, or is it something I really feel?

Still, the flight so far is a nightmare, eleven hours in total and I’ve had my last alcohol and cigarettes for a while, I need to be a girl for the next four months at a US high school, and strangely, despite having just completed year 11 in the UK, I’m now about to join year 11 in the US. When my flight did finally land I was glad I had opted for first class again, just to get off the plane quickly. The extra money for that alone was worth it, something I’ve always avoided in the past. Once through border with my new excuse of ‘good genes and a good surgeon’ with all my paperwork matching up, they let me through and then on in to the arrivals hall, where I was looking for someone holding up a card with my name on it.

And there they were, Susan Jones and her daughter Katie, who I was going to high school with. Susan, although I suppose I should call her Mrs Jones until told otherwise was a stylish woman, worked in a hospital but was a bit vague about it so I guess in administration, and her husband was something I can’t remember right now as I’m just too tired. They were smiling at me and I could see that Susan was looking right at me, clearly picking me out from the FaceTime chats we had a couple of days ago. I made my way over and was surprised to be engulfed in a hug from her, taking a few seconds to get my head around it.

They took over pushing the trolley of bags for me, saying that tonight I could rest and recover and settle in over the next few days before showing me around. I was quite tired, I had slept on the plane but of course no one really sleeps on a plane. The sunlight outside was intense, so much stronger than anything I was used to and, well, the weather is wonderful, what more can I say.

I made a comment about it, I am British after all as it’s our default setting, and Katie said, “I love your accent.” I smiled and glanced at my watch. It had taken five minutes before it was said to me and I admired her restraint. Once my bags were loaded in the car, it was a drive to their home in Santa Monica, and despite being in the afternoon, I was told it was going to be a while before we get there. My first introduction to LA traffic.

They had a nice two storey house in the Ocean Park area just a short walk to the beach, although I was surprised when they told me it had good parking there. Then I remembered something I read in book by a travel writer who commented that their neighbours in New Hampshire drove from next door when they came round for dinner when it would have taken less then a minute to walk. Something else to get used to over here.

I was shown to my room which shared a bathroom with Katie, dumped my bags and Katie helped me unpack. She had a disarming charm that I quite liked, easy to talk to and unlike me actually was 17. I had to hand it to Annette, I think Katie was going to rub off on me, and she was already making suggestions to improve my small collection of makeup, some places I could pick up some cheap jewellery, where we could go shopping and would have made a lot more plans if her mum hadn’t come in (I am allowed to call her Sue), and told Katie to leave me alone to recover. It was like being caught in a whirlwind with so much happening, and I took the chance to grab a shower to wash the flight off me.

The shower was refreshing, and I made a mental note to get the same fittings back home as I loved the rainfall effect it gave, and while standing there and just relaxing, I heard the other door open and Katie come in, telling me she couldn't wait any longer as she sat down to pee. Thankfully she didn’t ask too many questions, and once I dried off I lay on my bed wrapped in a towel and drifted off to sleep.

A while later there was a knock on the door and Sue walked in and I sat up and the towel fell off me, and she told me that dinner was in twenty minutes where I could meet the rest of the family. Sitting around the dining table was an unusual experience and I can’t remember the last time I sat round one with my family, sadly long since passed. But here I felt comfortable. Sue introduced me to her husband, who funnily enough worked in advertising, which Sue told me with a glint in her eye, and their son who was meant to be going to college but had to delay it as he broke his wrist last week. It was meant to be a sports scholarship, but as he wants to play baseball that’s been put on hold and now he will likely be a normal student and fight for a place a team next year.

He was quite stoic about it, something I put down to the whole Californian thing at the time, but later I found out he was actually quite happy about it as it took all the pressure away from him and he could just relax for a bit, and then go to college to learn rather just play sports. I quite liked him for that to be honest, he wanted to find out more about who he was. The father, well, he worked in advertising and had worked his way up until he became a senior executive at a big company which explained the big house.

One thing about them that was quite annoying was that they were all very attractive, the father, Bill (and not William), was starting get a bit of the silver fox going and I would be blind not to know he was good looking. The son Tim, had that fit and healthy look and Katie had it too. I thought of the kids I went to school with back home and thought how different they were and if it was all down to a bit of sun?

I liked them.

Katie had the interests you would expect of any southern Californian girl in a privileged and affluent area, the son had that not quite adult, not quite kid thing going for him, and the dad, well, we had some shared interests. But by far the worst thing was both the father and the son made me wet!

After eating Katie was instructed to leave me alone for the evening to let me rest, but I said, “I’d really like to go for a walk down to the beach, if that’s ok?”

They looked at me in shock. Walk? In LA? I pointed out how close it was, and Katie and Tim both walked with me, and Katie acted like she was asked to walk for miles which made me laugh. We were the only ones walking and the car park at the beach was huge! I didn’t want to walk far, I just wanted to have a look around, get a feel for my surroundings and help me to acclimatise to my new and temporary home.

On the way back Katie seemed a lot happier, and I suggested we take a walk down here tomorrow and then along the beach and she said, “But why don’t we drive here?” I explained that she walks much farther in the mall and it’s nice to walk, but she was hoping to see her boyfriend tomorrow evening. I was meant to come along with her, but I’ve no interest in being a gooseberry, so told her it was fine, I’m still settling in and there’s plenty of time for that.

The next day was a late start for me, I really needed that rest and Katie and I hung out for a couple of hours, just talking about stuff and I helped pick her outfit for her date, hoping I was getting better at this. I ended up walking down to the beach with Tim, and he was very funny, almost had a dry British sense of humour in the way he was self deprecating, and he reminded me of Tom in many ways. I helped him with his can of cola due to his cast as we sat and watched the sea before heading back.

Laying in bed and trying not to masturbate that evening was difficult, and as Tom and me have decided only to speak to each other once a month, it was made much worse. The next day I did go to the mall with Katie, she wanted to shop and hoped to meet a few friends there and I was over the jet lag now. It was surprisingly fun, her friends were extremely energetic and hyper, maybe that’s all the sugar in the bread and salads, but I enjoyed it. I joined in where I could, but mostly a passenger in a lot of the conversations. They of course asked if I had a boyfriend, and I decided to say I had just split up before coming here, getting sympathy I didn’t deserve.

And in case you’re wondering it took five words from me for them to say they loved my accent.

The next day I went to the beach with Katie and Tim, explaining the differences between UK and US beaches, the lack of things to do beyond sitting here and they suggested we go to Venice, but should head home first. I had no idea how far away it was thinking we were driving, but instead we were getting rollerblades.

I have never used them in my life.

Well, getting to the beach on them was a good start, and then using them all the way there was a good way to get very used to them, but I was never great, just managed to use them to get from A to B. If you’ve never been to Venice, it’s a really nice place and I liked it a lot, although the locals have mixed feelings about it. The next day I used the rollerblades and visited again, this time on my own as Katie was with her boyfriend and Tim had a job interview. Skating there, looking at the faces and places, stopping to watch basketball or the people on the slack rope things, all of it was just such a change to the UK and crammed into such a small area. I came here quite a lot by myself in my time in LA, like I was drawn to the place. The further you got along the beach there were more and more houses, and I went right along to the marina entrance beyond Venice proper.

I was quite happy, so happy I even broke my own rule, asking someone to take my photo as I wanted to share it with Tom, saying, “I know we promised, but I wanted to share this with you and hope we can come here together soon. X’

At the weekend, Bill was taking me to the museum of contemporary art in LA, and I loved it. It was funny talking about the art and not trying to hide who I was, how we could both discuss the influences and different interpretations, sometimes taking the Mickey out the descriptions that showed the artist was too up themselves for their own good. It was fun.

On the way back we hit horrific traffic and he rang home to say we were going to be late and would stop somewhere for something to eat, having sushi in a restaurant that he proudly told me he had worked on the promotion for it. I think I really surprised him by critiquing it using my professional eye, where I thought the inspiration came from and the messages they were hoping to convey.

He said, “You’re full of surprises, aren’t you.”

Once back home it turned out that Sunday was family movie night, but as Monday was my first day at school they moved it to today and I had first pick. I searched through the various streaming options while popcorn was being made with Katie trying to convince me to pick a horror, something they never let her watch as a family, when I saw the one. I selected Roman Holiday, a film I loved and it turns out Sue likes it as well. It’s a beautiful film and if you haven’t seen it you should, and it made me think a lot about me and Tom, not that I think I’m a princess in a prison, but unlike the film I intend us to have a happy ending.

Monday was a school day, and I would like to say right now that a 7:30am start for teenagers is a crime against humanity! I had to register of course, and had way too many people tell me they love my accent, meet with the counsellor and wondered what the point of them was, and then try to find my way around the school and the weird new culture I was in.

While 7:30 is an inhumane time to start school, so are classroom doors that open into the corridor, seemingly with the intention of knocking out students. I had my first active shooter drill, thinking how ridiculous it is that they are quite happy to let kids to die rather than actually do the obvious thing and ban guns. I wondered if they had firearms in the house and how I could ask about it. One funny thing though, my sixty year old female English teacher was actually English, and when I was introduced as the new girl, I said to her, “Just so you know, I do know the correct way to spell colour and favourite, and I will continue to spell them correctly.” She gave me a big smile with a twinkle in her eye.

There’s not much to say about school, you’ve seen enough movies to know what it is like, so I won’t bother repeating what happens, but I was in most classes with Katie and became a C average as I wasn’t putting a huge amount of effort in, just enough to keep the teachers happy, as for me this trip was about being a girl, and a girl I was. I joined in with all the things I needed to, but like my last school I wasn’t trying to make any long term connections, just being friendly enough.

So I got back to learning how to be me.

I would visit the beach at least twice a week, and Tim would often come along with me if he wasn’t working as a pizza delivery driver, but I made a stupid comment about his wrist being in a cast and how frustrating it must be. Maybe I had a twinkle in my eye when I pointed out that at least his left hand was fully working, which at the end of my second week led to me giving him a hand job after we got back. He was quite a good kisser, but I made it very clear to him that if we do hook up, it’s only going to be a hook up. And we did, quite a few times and I was impressed with his kissing, often quite happy to just make out with him, but at least I wasn’t going completely without.

When I had my first monthly FaceTime call with Tom, we did have a bit of mutual fun, but we mostly talked. I of course admitted to hooking up with Tim and that it was only ever going to be casual, and he said he had a couple of dates and did sleep with her yesterday. I was happy for him, and could tell from how we were talking to each other that even though it happened, he still wanted me. While I could only see his face as he laid on his side, I could tell he was playing with himself. I understand, there was a woman in my past that just hearing her voice made me hard, and we’ve both been missing each other.

I did ask the family about guns, and they told that while they don’t have any in the house, they do make sure that all the kids are aware of good gun safety and would go to a range to do some shooting, just to make sure that everyone was confident and safe with them. My question made them arrange a visit to the range, and when we got there they had a whole series of firearms for use to shoot and choose from. As the guest I was asked to select the one I wanted to try, with them making some suggestions as I was British so clearly had no idea what I was doing.

The moment I saw all the rifles and pistols on the table, I knew which one I wanted, and pointed to it and said, “That one, I want to shoot that one.”

The man who ran the range said, “Are you sure about that? It is big.”

I gave him what I hoped was the sweetest teenage smile I could, took a couple of steps to it and asked if I could pick it up. He gave me a nod and I picked up the rifle, removed the magazine and checked it was empty, held the but against my hip as I cocked it three times and used the bolt hold open device to hold the working parts back as I looked inside to make sure it was unloaded. I then released the bolt, fired off the action, laid the rifle down with the magazine next to it as I looked up at the range manager, saying, “Yes, I’m quite sure.”

The L1A1 Self Loading Rifle, or known to every British infantry man from the time it was in use as the sslllrrr, was my personal weapon and I could have done all that in my sleep. It was different shooting it now, and it does have a bit of a kick, but beyond me being a bit smaller it was like getting to know an old friend again, while shocking some Americans with my familiarity with it. They were of course surprised, and really wanted to know why I knew how to use it, but I just shrugged and said, “I’m used to firearms, I just know the stats around the risk of having them in the house. That was why I asked.”

About a month into my stay, I made a comment about wanting to go to some of the iconic places in LA, getting a groan from everyone around the dining table. I get that, I lived in London and know what it’s like having to be dragged around those places with visitors, doing it too many times with clients and far too many times on the London Eye than I can count. Anyway, Bill offered to take me around them on Saturday on the condition that we get up early and head out before the worst of the traffic. I had no real plan for what I wanted to see, just the map app on my phone and picking them when we were close, but starting at the Griffith Observatory.

I really liked it there, mainly from seeing it in the movies, but we went for a little hike in the surrounding area and he must have planned it as he had a small backpack with water and some snacks. He explained later he thought a hike was likely due to the area around the big sign.

When hiking I’m quite used to getting off the trails, and had no issue doing so here, working my way through some of the undergrowth in search of a great view, and he followed me, unsure if we were allowed to do this. Once I found a great view, I stopped and asked for some water, and Bill, despite looking quite fit for a man in his mid forties asked to stop, pulling out a blanket to sit on, and said, “Please, I really don’t want to hike up to the sign after this.”

I said, “You know, I hadn’t thought about that, come on!”

I jumped to my feet and saw the look on his face, resigned to hours of walking and I started to laugh, sitting back down and leaning against him as I said, “I’m not that cruel, although you look pretty fit.”

I stopped talking and the smile died on my lips, thinking, ‘wait, does fit have the same meaning here?’

I could see a little blush on his face, so I nudged him with my shoulder as I guessed it does, but knowing that many Americans have difficulty with irony, said, “Yeah, and that fit too.”

I gave him a cheesy smile and he laughed.

We sat there in silence admiring the view while we drank some water and eating a very sugary snack that was meant to be health food and I looked at him, and said, “I like you, you’re fun.”

Ok, I didn’t mean it to happen, if I had I wouldn’t have chosen shorts for the day, but yes, we did it, on the blanket and it was very good. He was struck with guilt about us not using a condom, but I reassured him I’m on birth control and it will be ok. As we walked back to the car I felt his cum slowly oozing out of me, thinking to myself I’m quite happy it happened as it means he doesn't know I hook up with his son sometimes.

After that we went to the tar pits, and a cruise down Hollywood boulevard, something I will never do again on a Saturday. This wasn’t the last of our days out, and if we could then we would hook up during them. I felt a little guilty as I was worried about hurting Sue as she’s been so nice to me, but in early December before I left she told me that she knew it was happening, and was quite ok with it. Turns out he became really attentive to her after it happens, and then she really surprised me saying, “Annette did warn me about you.”

My mouth dropped open and she smiled, saying, “We were at university together and I know exactly who you are. Sometimes it’s quite obvious you’re older than you look, Bill can see it but doesn't understand it and no one else knows. She asked me to help you, and I can see throughout your time here you’re becoming more happier than you were when you arrived. You’re more like a girl now and watching you grow has been a pleasure for me. And Annette is really happy as well, she’s looking forward to seeing you when you get home by the way.”

I was shocked. l spilled my guts apologising to her, but she really was fine with it, but I still wondered if she knew I was also hooking up with her son, which stopped at that moment.

Which makes me jump back to Halloween.

So, I had no intention of anything else happening while there with anyone, but halloween is a big thing in the states, much bigger than what I experienced as a kid or teen in the UK, even now with the teens back home when I was at school. Katie and her friends were going to a party and I was going along, but we needed to get costumes, which of course means an excuse to look slutty. I was surprised at the costumes, and ended up going as Wonder Woman, but the Linda Carter version, and for some reason the hot pants were almost a thong and the the corset showed a lot of stomach. I wasn’t sure about it but her friends convinced me and to go with it and what they wore was even more revealing. We all went trick or treating as they thought I should experience that and walking the streets dressed like that way made me feel more exposed than being naked in front of all those men in hospital who were looking up my vagina.

At the party I had a bit to drink, but American beer is quite weak so I only really felt a bit buzzed. But Katie, well, she had an argument with her boyfriend, got angry and drank more vodka than I think she was ready for, so I cut her off before she got too bad, calling an uber to take us home. She was a bit annoyed with me, but she also held onto me.

Back home we sat on the bed chatting away as she started to sober up a bit, and she said, “You’re a great friend.” And hugged me. We sat there for a while holding each other and as we parted slightly, she kissed me.

I haven’t been with a woman since before the change happened, and maybe I was a bit curious, but she was no more drunk now than I was, just a little buzzed from it. So I kissed her back.

By the time we were half naked I put a stop to it, saying to her we had both been drinking and she had the argument so it’s not the right thing to do as we might both regret it. Which is why the following night she climbed into me bed, for what I thought was just another late night chat and she said, “We’re both sober now, I won’t regret it.”

So Katie is bi, but as she isn’t out didn’t want to confide in me before, but as I had turned down quite a few offers of dates she thought I was either as well, or a lesbian. Her tongue almost made me lesbian that night and how the hell I kept the noise down I don’t know, but the next day we did talk about it, and I said I wasn’t bi or a lesbian, but I really enjoyed what happened and thanked her for the orgasms and trusting me.

It did make me feel closer to her and when we did climb into each others bed to chat away after it I never felt any pressure and for a while at least, she was my sister. Tom liked it when I told him, but sad when I said I doubt it will ever happen again. “Maybe for your birthday in a few years time. If you’re a good boy.” He laughed so loud at that my eardrums met in the middle thanks to my EarPods.

Tim took me to universal studios, quite a fun time really, but going to Disneyland with Katie was the best. We wore the ears, met the characters, she was surprised at how excited I was at the visiting Galaxy Edge and seeing the Millennium Falcon, but her eyes went wide when I used my driving license to buy the small amount of alcohol you could get there as nothing would stop me enjoying that to the full.

And before long Christmas was fast approaching and I was planning my trip home. I had told Tom when my flight was getting in, but so far not had a reply as that was part of the deal, so I had no idea if he would pick me up or not. I did wonder about asking Annette as a back up, but I’m a big girl, I can get a taxi.

I had a few farewell parties to go to and got to help Katie get back together with her boyfriend, thinking back to what Sue said and agreeing with her that as soon as she goes to college she will dump him, and be better for it. Sue rode a bicycle with me when I went for my last rollerblading trip along the beach right to the marina, and we sat there and chatted. She was really pleased with how I had developed, saying it was very hard for her to see the man I was now, how I was now more like a normal girl, and that no matter what happens with Tom, I will be happy.

She had always been a bit evasive with me about her job, but as she went to university with Annette it’s not like I needed a higher degree to work out she’s been my therapist while I’ve been here. I thanked her for everything she had done for me.

She said, “Will I see you again? I think Katie will miss you.”

“Katie will forget my name by the time she’s left college. But will you see me again? I don’t know. Maybe.”

I looked around at the sea, the beach, the houses and said, “I do like it here, but I really don’t know what my future holds in so many ways. You’ve all helped me forget about that for a while and I will always be grateful for that.”

We sat there quietly for a while, before she pointed out I needed to finish packing before my flight the next day. We didn’t speak on the way back, there was no need to, but I did feel happy. It wasn’t the thought of going home, it wasn’t the hope that I would see Tom again, I was just happy.

The next day was filled with a few hugs and some tears, before I got in the car with Bill for the drive to the airport. After five minutes of silence I said, “Hey, did you know I changed my flight for a later one? We have two hours to kill and there’s a motel over there.”

He started to laugh and said, “Very funny.”

I told him it’s the truth and that if he pulls in to the carpark I will show him my ticket. He looked at it and said, “How the hell have you got a first class ticket!”

It was my turn to laugh and I opened the door,

Two hours later he hugged me goodbye at the airport and I whispered in his ear, “I know you might be worried about a few things, but I just want you to know I was over 18 before anything happened between us.”

I felt him relax at that, and I can understand it, it’s something I have been very scared of doing, and I only broke my rule once with Katie. As I walked through the airport pushing the trolley with more bags than I arrived with, I giggled to myself thinking how I have now slept with everyone in that family apart from Sue.

I did actually sleep on the flight back and being an hour less than the way here it felt easier, even though the jet lag really will kill me this time.

Walking off the plane I was making my way through the airport into the arrivals lounge, I saw no one waiting for me and started making my way out and wondering if a cab driver will be ok with a journey to the south coast. I was a bit sad, but not surprised really that no one was here. Tom had finally found someone. He had been on dates with a couple of women, and we haven’t talked now for a month, but I’m ok with it, I really am. I always knew there were insurmountable issues with us and he was never going to be with me for the long term. But the woman in this body is happy, really happy for the first time.

I know who I am and I am happy with who I am, for the first time in a long time, longer than I realised, way back before this happened to me, but I’m ok. I hate to admit it but I think I settled for Sarah. I loved her, but there was never that moment of being hit by lightning and seeing rainbows when she was around. It’s no wonder some other woman has that when she went out with Tom as I do every single moment I think of him, and he will be hard to get over.

One of my bags fell off the trolley and I stopped to pick it up and even the fact it happened, that it was heavy and no one helped me with it, I was still happy.

And then I saw Tom and I dropped everything and ran and leapt into his arms, wrapping my legs around him and covering him in kisses. He said, “Sorry I’m late, I had trouble finding a parking spot.”

We stayed like that for a while and I said, “I’m never letting go.”

He laughed lightly, and with me still holding onto him, he put my bag back on the trolley, and pushed it out the airport, with me clinging to him with an even bigger smile than I had five minutes ago.

The trip home with Tom was great, and I was glad he had a packet of tissues in his pocket as I had quite a few tears while he carried me out of the airport. I did let him put me down once we were out on the fresh air, although it was so much colder that I had recently been used to, I wish I made him carry me all the way. When we got to the car there were flowers on the passenger seat, and I held them all the way back with a smile on my face.

Of course, once we got in I said a quick hello to Jane and we took my bags upstairs and jumped on the bed. We had missed each other a lot and I needed him, I needed that affirmation from him. We had a lot to talk about as well, but that could wait. After having sex, we just lay there, with me on his chest and him still inside me, and I’m ashamed to say the jet lag caught up with me and I fell asleep. I don’t how long I was out for, it can’t have been long but I looked up at Tom and apologised for it, although I did tell him was nice to wake up with him inside me. He said, “Well, I won’t say I wasn’t enjoying it, but then you started to drool on me, so I’m glad you woke up.”

He climbed out of bed and left me to sleep, waking me up a few hours later to have some food, and told me he was free now till the new year, not counting some marking that needed to be done, and wasn’t going anywhere.

We spent Christmas together, making me wonder what he’s told his family about me, but not pushing it as I do still look young and it could take a lot of explaining that I wasn’t prepared to do just yet. But it was nice to be with him with no other pressure. I did feel bad that I was keeping him away from his friends on new years eve as while I did want to be outside with him, there is the problem that we just might bump into some of the kids I went to school with.

Although that would be funny.

Sarah came down to stay for a night, and it was great to see her and introduce Tom, and I was pleased that she liked him. We all got on really well, and it allowed me to give her a present I should have given her a while ago, and it really surprised Tom. I said to her, “I know when this happened to me all of your plans for the future changed, but you stuck by me when you didn’t need to. So I want to give you this.”

I handed her an envelope and she opened it up, staring at it and said, “No, I don’t accept, it’s too much.”

With then lead to a bit of back and forth between us, with me saying I wanted her to have this for her future. Tom sat there watching us like it was a tennis match, and said, “What are you giving her?”

Sarah said, “A cheque for a million pounds.”

I pointed out that if I hadn’t changed she would have benefited from the sale of my business, and I wanted her to benefit from it now. We sat there in silence for a while, when she looked at me and said, “Thank you.”

I got quite drunk that night, I still can’t handle alcohol like I used to, and with Sarah and Tom I found that I had stopped trying to pace myself and just kept up with them. Tom carried me to bed that night and I passed out, waking up to find out he had kept a close eye on me all night to make sure I was ok. He’s really cute, so I gave him a kiss right after I brushed my teeth. Later that day Tom drove Sarah to the train station and on the way back he said, “Two questions. Where did you get a cheque from in this day and age, and two, how rich are you exactly?”

I laughed and said, “You can get a cheque if you ask the bank to make one for you, and how rich am I? Well, that’s not so easy to answer as I don’t keep a track of it. I did sell my business for 68 million if that helps.”

The car swerved and he said a few words in shock.

The next day he went with me to buy my own car, looking in plenty of showrooms to find something that wasn’t too big, preferably hybrid or electric, and suitable for a girl of 17. Every salesperson but one talked to Tom rather than me, even though I said I was the one buying the car, so I think you can guess who I brought it from. I went with a Fiat 500e, and really struggled not to get one in pink as it looked really cute, ending up with a white one.

I needed something as I was going to the local college, still on my journey to learn more about how to be a girl in the modern world, and was transferring from the high school in LA to the local further education college to do some A levels. The two I had picked were English Lit and drama. I don’t want to be an actor, but in learning how to play the parts, I found it quite helpful. And I wasn’t the only one thinking about having a future in education. Tom had been thinking about going back to university to do a PhD, and had started reaching out to some places to see what the options were for him. So far it looked positive and he had an interview in February to talk through his proposal, but there was plenty of time before we needed to talk through any options.

Arriving at the college for my new term was a disappointing experience. Not for me, that was just another day, but it seemed my classmates had been told about a Californian girl coming to college, not a girl who had spent a few month studying in SoCal. I had a lot of free time and spent a fair bit of it in the library, not just doing research, but also looking for something that interested me. I quite liked English Lit, the structures and meaning behind the writing, digging into it in a way I had never thought of before. I found that it really helped with drama as well for when we were given an assignment and it gave me a new way to look at the characters I was creating.

I still found it hard to connect with my peers, finding that they were either being, well, childish or pretentious while trying to appear like an adult. They really were in-between places in life, with feet in both camps and even though I was the same, I was also different too. My time in Santa Monica had changed me, and it helped me to separate my old life with my new one. When I got to fire my old personal weapon, that felt like a goodbye to what I was holding on to, and seeing Sarah and giving her that money was like I was letting go of the last part of Lew.

At home, life felt more stable. Jane still lived with me, but now had found a job and was quite happy with the current situation, plus I liked having her there with me. She was more of a guide for me than any other woman, making sure my style choices and make up looked correct, often picking me up on things with me pointing out I am an adult in a teenagers body. I often spent the night at Tom’s or he spent the night here but we rarely slept alone. We did manage a few weekends away where we didn’t have to worry about any of the teachers or students from his school seeing us, but his focus now was on his impending interview, making sure he knew the answers to the questions he might face, with his head buried in academic journals.

I decided to go with him to provide some moral support, but also to drive so that he had the chance to go over all his notes and read a few more science papers to make sure he was ready for it. I insisted we go in my car as I loved driving it and hadn’t driven this far in a very long time. I almost told him I had named it Kat, but managed to stop myself, not having the nerve to face to laughter from him. We grabbed a coffee in the main hall of the university and I looked around, thinking how different it looks to when I went to university so many years ago. This place looked clean, the students looked happy and I was quite jealous of Tom getting to do this.

When he went off to get grilled, I wandered over to one of the desks, and asked if there was someone I could speak to about doing a degree. Turns out they were setting up for an open day tomorrow and I was pointed towards the library, where I just looked about to see what they were doing, walking over to one of the tables that caught me eye, saying, “Hello, I’m here today with my boyfriend, but I think I’m interested in doing this course?”

We had a chat about what is involved, and everything they said sounded really interesting to me, in fact, in sounded like it what I was looking for. When I first applied to university, I had to send off for a book with the names of every course, at every university and fill in the form at the back. Now UCAS applications are done online, of course they are, how else could you do it today, and the man I was speaking to who was in his final year said, “How many A Levels do you have and in what subjects?”

I don’t have any of them, and while I could say I was doing a couple right now, why should I? So I said, “I don’t have any A levels.”

“Ah, you need three with an A in both English and English Literature for this course. I think you can do an access course, but I would have to ask someone about it.”

I said, “Oh, that’s a shame. I’m not really interested in doing that or the A levels to be honest.” And I turned to walk away, stopping myself and turning back saying, “But tell me, do you need them if you already have a degree in English?”

He looked at me, and said, “I’m not sure but I guess not. Do you have a degree in English?”

“Yep. And a masters in Marketing and an MBA too.”

I gave him a smile, then said, “Never judge a book by it’s cover, and maybe in future ask what their highest qualifications are. You said you’re graduating this year, right?”

He nodded, and I said, “Good, it means I won’t see you again.”

And I walked back to wait for Tom.

His interview went well, or at least he thought so, but he needed to rewrite his proposal but had been accepted in principle. I was really pleased for him, giving him a quick hug and a kiss, and then I told him that while we waited I submitted an application to do a degree here as well. He was clearly focusing on his future as a PhD student, and it took a second for what I said to sink in and he said, “Wait, what?”

“Yep, I’ve just applied here. I can go elsewhere if you prefer?”

He kept looking at me and I wondered what he was thinking but a slowly a big smile formed on his face and we hugged, walking back to the car hand in hand, stopping for a pub meal and celebrating that night at home but both of us getting drunk. I did point out it wasn’t confirmed yet, but I really hoped it would be.

Back at college I dropped English Lit, I didn’t really need it and kept my focus on doing drama as I was enjoying it for what it is. One day after a session in the theatre, as I was putting my book back in my bag one of the media students came in and asked me if I was interested in being in his final major project, a short film. I said, “Sure, send me the script and I will have a look.”

That evening I read it, and it made me laugh. It wasn’t meant to be funny, but I showed it to Jane and she rolled her eyes at the language in it. It was very much a teenagers idea of how a relationship runs, with two people who meet and fall in love (yawn), set in the backdrop of, yep, you guessed it, a further education college.

I of course had been picked as the female lead, with one of my classmates, Steve as the male lead. Thankfully we had stage kissed already, so I wasn’t worried about any of it, and it was going to be shot over a few weeks. There were constant script changes and I won’t say the lines got any better and I tried to make suggestions to help make it more realistic, but the director had his vision and clearly imagined himself as an Oscar winner, so I went along with it, doing the best I could.

And then I got a few new pages which made me call Steve before I agreed to it. “Steve, have you seen the email?”

I think he was more surprised I was using my phone to make an actual voice call, but he hadn’t seen it yet so I got him to read the revised pages and the new location while I waited on the line. He was a bit unsure at first, so I went round to his and we talked through it, even doing a mini walk through rehearsal and we could do it without any huge issues, so it seemed ok.

I picked him up the next day and we drove to the location, which turned out to be the directors parents home. They weren’t in, and while I only gave Steve some of my suspicions, the parents not being there confirmed the rest of them in my mind.

We were shown to the bedroom, and we already had our costumes on and we started shooting after it had been blocked out. First we came into the room kissing each other, falling back on the bed and clearly about to be going for it. But the director wasn’t happy, so this time I removed his shirt as we moved to the bed, and still he wasn’t happy saying something seems wrong. So the next time my top came off as well, which is why I prepared with putting on my favourite VS underwear. If I’m going to be showing off, then I’m showing off while looking my best!

Now the director seemed happy, but of course there was another scene to come, one where we were supposed to have just had sex and speaking those awful lines, then have sex again. While I was quite comfortable being naked around people, being naked on film is one I was less happy with, so I insisted on being covered and hidden from any camera angles, pointing out I hand’t yet signed a release form for him to use me in the film. I was worried this might happen, so kept putting it off.

The director and his helper left the room, and I said to Steve, “I’m ok with this, are you.” He nodded and tried to act nonchalant, but I could see he was nervous, so I just stripped and got into bed, inviting him in. He tried to hide something a bit obvious, so I just ignored what he had going on down there, it would be unfair any other way and I just hoped he would relax. We called them both in and we lay in the bed, both naked while they set up the shot, and had us run through our lines a few times till he was happy. At least he remembered to do some wide and close ups so there wouldn't be a reshoot.

The one thing was on show is that the side of my body was on display but showing none of the good stuff, he just wanted it to be clear that I was naked. Maybe he was trying to get his rocks off, maybe he was hoping it would make him stand out when getting marked. I was a bit annoyed as I think he planned it, and if he had asked at the start I would have still said yes, but poor Steve needed a bit of warning rather than it being sprung on him.

Then it came time for the ‘sex scene’. We went through the lines again, we kissed a couple of times and he climbed on top of me with the helper holding the duvet so that nothing was shown beyond the sides of each of our bodies.

Steve was still aroused.

And this made it awkward, and meant we had to do the scene several times, all because he was trying to keep it away from me without the other two knowing what was going on. I was never going to be an actor, I had no interest in it beyond a mental activity, but Steve did want it, and this video might one day be part of his calling card and the director was screwing it up for him. So the next take when he climbed on top of me, I took hold of his erect penis and rested it against me.

This was a better take, but we needed to do it again, so to make sure Steve knew I did it on purpose I took hold of him again, and I could feel his smile as we kissed.

The director said, “Cut, ok, can you do that again please, but your position looks wrong, so can you make it look a bit more real.”

I glanced at the director and thought to myself the guy has never had sex and is basing this on the porn he wanks over. So when he said action, I once again took hold of Steve’s erection and if Steve was still worried about it touching me down there, I needed to help him get over that. I directed him into me.

We both gasped at the point of penetration, and the director seem quite happy with it this time, not calling cut till well into the scene. We both lay there with him inside me, and I thought to myself I haven’t been with anyone but Tom since I got back, and all it takes is me to be asked to be in a film and I’m doing a porno!

I was quite enjoying it to be honest, and a quick look at the director and his helper and it was clear they didn’t know what was going on, so we lay there with him quite hard inside me and neither of us moving, while they set the camera up for a different angle and I gave him a squeeze down there with a wink when he looked at me. Then it was action again and he was slowly fucking me while we were filmed.

We were there for a while, the duvet being adjusted to make sure nothing was being shown while we ‘acted’ as if we were having sex, and during one of the takes I felt Steve stiffen and enlarge in me. I held him close, hoping to hide his cum face as he flooded my vagina with his cum. We had to stay like that, him in me for two more takes, then cut was called and the was the shoot over. We’d said all the lines, done all the scenes and Steve rolled off me.

And then the dickhead helper thought it would be funny to whip the duvet off me, and Steve to his credit tried to cover me up, but it was too late. I lay there and called him a few names, but like I said I was quite ok with being naked so I stood up, walked round the bed and slapped him. I walked back to the director to give him a piece of my mind, but his eyes were on a lower part of my body, and I felt the slickness down there and said, “Oh for fucks sake grow up! I’ve been in bed with a hot guy for hours, of course I got wet down there!”

I got dressed and threw Steve’s underwear to him so he could hide that his dick was wet as we sorted ourselves out, and I told the director that I need to see a copy of this before anyone else does, and I will check every frame of footage with him right now to make sure he deletes anything I don’t like, or I won’t sign the release and he will get a letter from my solicitor. He laughed at that, so I picked up my phone, called a number and put it on speaker.

When a law firm answered and I asked to speak to my solicitor after giving my name, his face started to go white, but went grey when I described what just happened and got him to explain to the director what will happen if my conditions aren’t met.

It was ok actually, there was nothing bad, but I told them not to share anything that happened on the closed set, and as his parents walked in right after he got very scared, so it helped me get my point across. I gave Steve a lift home and asked him if he was ok, and it turns out he has a girlfriend I knew nothing about. That’s the problem when you don’t really connect with other students. I told him not to worry, I won’t share what happened with anyone, it was just an accident of filming, even if I did put him in me, so not much of an accident really.

The only other thing of interest is that I was asked to take part in the fashion show as one of the models. It was really boring, but many of the other students loved every second of it. Me, I found standing still for the fittings to be one of the worst things ever, then the day of the show was just a lot of waiting around with 20 seconds of walking on the runway.

I dropped out completely before the end of the year. I didn’t need it anymore, I was quite happy in who I was now and had my place in university confirmed, Tom had his PhD sorted and we were going to rent a flat and live together while we studied. For Tom it was going to be three very intense years with a lot riding on it, but for me it was going to be quite nice, doing something I was looking forward to. I had picked something I wanted to do, something I found out I quite enjoy the idea of, although I’ve not had a lot of practice at it, but they seemed to like the one I did for them when they asked.

Tom rented out his house, I told Jane she could live in mine for the next three years rent free, and told Tom I handle all the payments for the move and everything we needed, paid for a van to move all our stuff to the new place and got it set up. Yes, I know what you’re thinking, I was building a nest and maybe I was, but it was only one we were passing through. He left the school and drove us to our new home, holding hands for as much as the drive as we could. I was excited for the first time in a very long time, really excited. I was with someone I loved, about to move in with them and both of us going on a journey together. And of top of that, for the first time since we got together, we were going to be completely public about our relationship.

I was nervous, but also really excited about the future.

It’s five years since I went to university, again, so I guess I owe you an update.

University was great, and studying again, this time not with an eye some future employment, but just because I wanted to know more about the subject was, well, quite nice as there was no pressure. And off course living with Tom was great too. Each day waking up with him, kissing each other good morning, those lazy days when we could grab them, and just being together made me happy.

For me, being at university was, well, easy. If you’ve ever done a a masters degree you will know what I mean when I say that an undergraduate degree after that is a bit of a walk in the park. Some of it was hard, and you’ll be pleased to know that group work is still nightmare, but I had a lot of free time really and this gave me a chance to learn how to be a young woman. I made friends, but unlike them I knew that once we graduated and went our separate ways we would slowly lose touch, so while the friendships were intense, they were never going to be lasting.

But my journey in becoming a young woman had some drawbacks for Tom. No, I didn’t sleep around, and my uni friends did wonder why I was with an older man but I had no intention of telling them the truth. One did ask if he was my teacher, which really made me laugh and I think helped to convince them that he wasn’t. But going clubbing again was a lot of fun, drinking at one of their student housings, being out late at night, this is what caused some problems.

You see Tom was doing a PhD, and they are pretty intense, more so than a masters degree and compared to the few hours I needed to do each week, I was on holiday compared to him. None of my coursework took a lot of time, but for Tom it consumed all of his. He still got to hang out with the others doing PhDs, but unlike me he was pretty much on his own with it and from what I could work out they were mostly moaning sessions.

And all while I was having a great time and out partying.

I won’t say we were arguing, but there was some friction, and in the start of the second year when his research was really building up the pressure on him, I was, well, a little immature.

One night while he was buried in his laptop reading academic journals he said, “It’s quite easy for you all this isn’t it.”

I was busy typing away at that moment, lost in my own thoughts of my coursework, all so I could go to a party the next night, so I just replied, “Huh?”

He said, “The workload, it’s quite light compared to this.”

Well, this did not make me happy at all. Yes, it was light compared to him, but I was also paying all the bills as there was no way his stipend would give us both a nice flat. Plus I had the constant fear someone would call me out for who I was, or I would slip up when talking about my previous experience instead of calling it something I just read.

I slammed my laptop shut, stood up, pointed to myself and said, “You think all of this is easy for me? You think I don’t have any pressure? You try and explain away the things I know already. Fuck you!”

And I stormed out. Ten seconds later I stopped and looked at my phone, expecting the call from him to say sorry for being so thoughtless, but after a minute of waiting for it I turned my phone off and walked away, wishing I had picked up my car keys and just left him and all of this for good.

I walked the streets, a stupid thing to do at night, but I was so angry at him so not thinking clearly. Did he not see how much I was supporting him in this? Did he not notice that I did everything for him so he could keep doing his research? Did I ever complain about the fact we hardly ever spent time out together of the occasional date as he was always studying?

I kept walking and kept thinking about it, no plan on where I was going or why. I looked at my watch and I had been walking for about an hour and only sort of knew where I was, so I stopped and began to retrace my steps. No matter what I would have to go back to get my stuff before I left him for good. Maybe move into a hotel for a bit or even just quit the course and go home.

But home is now with him, here.

I started to speed up my walk, I wanted to get home to say sorry. The little bit of stress I felt was nothing compared to what he is going through. I saw a landmark I recognised, and changed direction to walk home as quickly as I could so I could apologise in person. Long before I got there I heard Tom calling my name, spinning me around to to see where he was and I ran to him, pulling him into a hug as the tears started flowing, saying “I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, please forgive me, I’m just a stupid girl.”

But I don’t think he heard me as he was saying to me, ‘sorry’ over and over again with tears in his eyes. We both stopped speaking at the same time, kissed and both started saying ‘sorry’ again, and we started to laugh.

I said, “I’m sorry, I should have been more thoughtful of you. I’m just a little bitch sometimes.”

He kissed the tip of my nose and said, “Ditto.”

We hugged in silence and I said, “Yeah, but we’re each others little bitch.”

We started walking back and he asked me why I didn’t answer his calls, and I said, “You never called me.”

He looked a bit confused and I took my phone out of my pocket to show him the screen, and I said, “Or I might have turned my phone off when you didn’t phone me the second I walked out. Sorry.”

As I turned my phone on and hundreds of notifications of missed calls and texts came through, he said his phone was in the bathroom so he had to look for it first. I started looking at the texts, which were a lot of ‘sorry’s’ and ‘please come back I love you’.

Even though he was walking right next to me, holding my hand, I sent him a text back saying, ‘This was the worst hour of my life. Let’s not break up again.” I heard his phone vibrate and he gave my hand a squeeze and said, “I will read it later.”

After that mini break up, we made sure we had at least one date night a week where we would go out, maybe to the cinema, ten pin bowling, a restaurant or anything we could think of that would help us remind each other why we liked each other. As well as that, we made sure that we had at least two lunch dates each week, but always changing the days to make sure we never fell into any patterns to keep it as fresh as we could.

And I cut down on my partying with the girls on my course, never more than once a month. They probably thought I was already turning into a housewife, but that wasn’t the case. Tom had been there for me when I needed a friend so badly, he put up with me sleeping around as I, well, grew up, so I was here for Tom, supporting him during his difficult time.

And we survived it all, leading to the last few months of our time here where I was prepping for my final project and dissertation and Tom was getting ready for his Viva. He stopped reading and said, “Oh shit! Look at this.”

I lent over to read the email over his shoulder and said, “Oh wow. What are you going to say back?”

“Right now, nothing, they can wait two days as they say it’s on condition of me getting my doctorate, and I really need to focus on that without adding any extra pressure.”

So I made him a cup of tea while he tried to focus but I could see he was clearly thinking about it, or at least trying not, so I picked up his thesis and started asking him questions. It helped to bring him back into focusing on the immediate issue, passing.

After that night I made myself as scarce as possible while he kept his focus up while being as supportive as I could be. I don’t think he noticed I was always nearby him to give support the moment I thought he needed it, staying out of his way the rest of the time.

I drove him to his viva, but never went in with him, instead waiting outside till I knew it had started then went and sat outside the room, sitting there quietly and glad I couldn't hear anything. An hour and half passed until the door opened and he stepped out, surprised to see me. He said, “What are you doing here?”

“Waiting for you. What did they say?”

He sat down next to me and said, “They told me to wait out here while they chat and will call me back in when they’re ready.”

I took hold of his hand and intertwined my fingers in his his and said, “Then we can wait together.”

We sat there in silence for half an hour when the door opened and a women stepped out and said, “You can come back in now Doctor.”

I probably had the biggest smile on my face that I’ve ever had, watching Tom as he stood up and looked at me and said, “Wish me luc…”

Then his head turned back to the woman at the door and he saw her smile and she nodded at him. I felt all the stress and pressure he had been under just disappearing and he turned back to me, but I shooed him on his way, very happy for him.

My very own doctor.

He passed with no corrections, and now had bugger all to do other than spoil me. The sex that night wasn’t great, he was too tied to last for long and he fell asleep underneath me as he came. But he made it up to me several times the next day, and I’m amazed I didn’t end up with bow legs, but I was very sore in plenty of places. It was a special occasion, so I was ready to try something new, and while I think it might take a while to get used to it, I liked it.

I submitted my final project and we went back home, but this time we both went to my house as he was still renting out his own. Jane was there and had made quite a home for herself and I was ok with that and while it must have been hard on her having a couple there, Tom moved in with me. We had nothing to do other than discuss the future, in particular the email he received. They sent him another one the day after his viva and it seemed they must have heard as it began with congratulations, but he had a job offer and we needed to talk about it as it would mean moving, He began talking to them, and I could see he was interested in it, which really wasn’t a problem to me, after all, I am technically retired.

We went back for the graduation ceremony, booking a hotel and his mum and dad came along. I’d met them quite a few times and while they didn’t know everything about me, they had been told I was older than I look and we had picked an age for me of 23. I really liked his parents, his mum was of course suspicious of me, but a shopping trip where I brought her an expensive antique that she liked as a present showed I wasn’t after him for his earning potential. I had to confess that I had a lot more money than him, which really helped win her over.

In the morning it was my graduation, seeing the others from my course and having a glass of champagne with them afterwards was a nice way to end the whole experience, and Annette was right, I did need to find a new place for myself and I think I have. Maybe I will be a bit of a housewife to Tom, but I also had something I wanted to do now, and I could do it anywhere that he was.

In the afternoon I was there for Tom, sitting in the auditorium as he was hooded and I whooped and hollered louder than everyone else. That evening we went out for a meal with his parents and we talked about the job offer he had received and what it would mean for the future. They fully supported him and his mum even made some comments about it being a nice place to bring up kids. He gave me a look and I just gave him a smile and a shrug. It wasn’t something I had thought about seriously before, but could I be a mother?

Turns out the smile and shrug was a mistake as Tom was worried I was pregnant already, but I reminded him that I have an IUD in, and we are not quite at the point of having that conversation just yet. Tom accepted the job offer, which then meant we had a few visits to the embassy to sort out visas, which included a long conversation about my date of birth and why I had no interest in getting a job or the need for one. There were a few letters from the hospital and Annette in support of me, and we were approved.

We decided to rent a place to get by at the start while I went looking for somewhere we could call home, and that became my job. I looked at a lot of places, but I think I knew where I wanted to live, I had rollerbladed in the area quite a lot in the past, and I found a house I really liked in Marina City, just along the beach from Venice in Los Angeles, not directly on the beach but with a view of it from the roof terrace. I fell in love with it, taking Tom there there next day to have a look, and offering the asking price to the realtor there and then.

Tom worked in one of the universities, mostly doing research but with a little teaching. He wasn’t happy about the last part as he really wanted to get away from it but as he had experience in the field they really wanted him to do this and the money was good. Sadly he lost all the advantages of being in Europe and paid holiday time. I still can’t quite understand why Americans seem to be so happy with so little paid time off from work.

Anyway, we settled into life there, got to know the neighbours (one of whom are quite famous but I won’t name them here), and we had a good life. About a year after moving I was walking through Walmart doing some shopping when something caught my eye on someones tee shirt. I followed the man who was wearing it, walking up to him and with my eyes focused on it said, “Excuse me, sir, where did you get the Poppy?”

He was wearing a Poppy from the Royal British Legion and I was thinking he might be Canadian as I think they wear them too around Armistice Day, I wanted one as well. It might make me stand out over here in the states, but I was very aware that I won’t be going to Remembrance Sunday this year while living here. While you might think that it was part of my old life, it’s one part I don’t think I will ever give up.

I looked up at the man and my eyes went wide. He said, “Oh, you’re English. I sent off for a few from the British Legion office over here. Let me find the address.”

He took his phone out of his pocket and I said, “Have you got time for a coffee?”

He looked back at me and was clearly wondering why a young woman was hitting on a man in his fifties, when I added, “And then I can explain why I know you’re called Mac.”

It was his turn for his eyes to go wide, so I pushed my trolly away from me, embarrassed about abandoning everything for a staff member to put back, but trying to make it clear I wanted to talk to him. He said, “How do you know my name?”

“Let’s get a coffee Mac and I will explain.”

And I walked towards the exit to go over the road to Starbucks and I felt him following me. Once seated, I said, “Do you have any photos on you from when you were in the army?”

He took his phone out and started looking, telling me he might have, finding some and showing them to me until he got to one I recognised. I said, “That’s you Mac, that’s Smithy, Johnny, Harry, Howie, Dobbo, and Pat.”

I looked at him and waited to see what he would say, and I took my phone out and searched for one of the news articles about me when it was first reported that I changed, laying it on the table for him to see as I said, “And the last one is Lew. I go by Louise now.”

He looked at my phone and the photo, then at me and back at the photo and opened his mouth to speak and I said, “Don’t tell me it’s bollocks. Ask any question you want.”

He sat there looking at me, then said, “Me, Lew and Howie went to bar in Amsterdam, what happened.”

I started to laugh, and said, “Oh, you want to go there. Ok, but I’m keeping my voice down.”

Then I told a story about how a stripper made a challenge that no one could live up, but that Howie had diarrhoea from drinking too much and could live up to the challenge and we got kicked out. Then he asked a question about a particular exercise we did and before he got any further I said, “…and I provided cover for you as you acted as the phantom turd burglar. We’ve never told anyone it was you.”

He sat back in his chair and said, “What’s my job?”

“I helped you get a job as a photographer when you left the army ten years after me. Last I heard you had started doing some videography, so I guess you might still be doing that.”

He sat there looking at me for a minute and said, “Shit, is it really you?”

We spent an hour in there just chatting while I explained everything and it felt good. Here was someone from my past that I knew I could trust, that chance had put us back together and while it didn’t feel like old times, it felt familiar. We went back and did our shopping and he followed me home where I think I shocked him even more by introducing him to Tom. Mac needed to leave to get up early the next day for a advertising shoot he was working on, but we agreed to meet up again before he left for the UK. I said to him, “Please don’t tell anyone else. That’s an old part of my life and while I will never forget it, it doesn't feel a part of me anymore.”

He actually gave me a hug and said, “You will always be my oppo. I got your back.”

He had one night in LA after the shoot before he flew back and we went out to bar, walking in and he said to the barman, “Listen mate, we’re Brits, this is how we drink, we don’t have a problem. Keep them coming until we fall over. And when we go to the bog, we’re not throwing up, just making space for more.”

It was a good night, and Tom came and picked me up as I really can’t drink like I used to, plus I’m smaller than Mac so it was a mistake to try and keep up with him. Tom held my hair for me when I was throwing up, and laughing at me in the morning as I promised that it was just a goodbye to an old life and will never happen again.

I did stay in touch with Mac as he was often in LA, and one day he came with me and Tom when we went to Las Vegas and got married. Mac thought I was going to ask him to give me away, but I said I just wanted someone on my side as I was very, very nervous. Me and Tom had been talking about this for a while now, originally going to do it back in the UK, but then we thought lets just do it now. So here I am, a bride, standing in the chapel with Tom as my groom, and Elvis doing the ceremony, with Mac as my maid of honour (I told him that after the service, and I think he was quite proud of it really).

When I fell pregnant, I had to go home as there were a lot of worries about what a pregnancy would mean for me, so at the last possible moment I flew home without Tom so that my doctors, the team who looked after me at the start could be there. The midwife had to be brought on board for this so she understood all the potential issues. Jane was amazing and took some time off work to look after me, even though I kept trying to get her to leave me alone. But everything was going well, apart from missing Tom like mad. We talked a few times every day, and Jane used to tell him off from the other room if he woke me up. When it was time, I texted Tom and screw the expense, I arranged a private jet to get him here as quickly as possible and he arrived twenty minutes before I gave birth to a baby girl. Jane came along to visit, so did Jackie the nurse, the first time I saw her since I was released from hospital, Annette was there and told me my little girl was beautiful, and as I held her I cried. I loved her so much already. Mac turned up to see me at home after Tom had to go back to work and he became a godfather on the spot. Of course, I had to explain him away as an old family friend to Tom’s mum who wouldn’t leave me alone, but as soon as we could both fly, we went back home to LA and Tom, my little girl and me.

She’s a year old now, and thankfully napping in the next room, as I have a deadline to meet. You see, when I went back to university, almost on a whim I picked Creative Writing as a degree to study. I quite like it, and was actually published while still at university with a selection of short stories. I don’t make the top sellers lists, but I sell enough to keep the publishers happy with printing a few copies, while most get sold as e-books.

What’s my pen name? Well, that would be telling, but I will say that I am happier than I have ever been in my life. This new me is a big improvement on the old me. And if you’re interested, the entire medical team asked the age old question. What hurts more, getting kicked in the balls or childbirth?

I always give the same answer, kidney stones.

The End.