I didn’t know that this was an evening bound to stay in my memory forever. Not when I sat there by myself amidst the crowd. But like another one, nine years earlier, it would stay in my mind.  And both only revealed their true meaning together.

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Admin Note: Originally published on BigCloset TopShelf on Monday 08-04-2024 at 10:00:16 -04:00 am, this classic was pulled out of the closet, and re-presented for our newer readers.
~Sephrena
 

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Yes, It started with me sitting alone over a glass of wine, thinking of something my mother had often said, wondering why I had come to this wedding-cum-class reunion. That special celebration, come about because the sweethearts from our high school class, Marek and Ewa had finally tied the knot. Ten years after they started dating, nine years after the end of school. And the whole former class was invited, because it seemed only fitting. Some had come just from this very town, where they still lived, some from farther away.

Like me. Some of us had left the town to study in the capital after our matura (the final exam). Unlike others, I hadn’t come back after university. At the beginning, I had visited my parents every weekend, met the classmates, spent holidays here. But me and the town, we had grown apart. And so had we as friends. The people I had spent years with in school, who seemed most of what our social universe was made of, turned into figures from the past. Not friends forever, but acquaintances you meet on your way for a few miles, and then part.

That is a usual part of life; I already knew this at 27. It was a bit melancholic, but normal. What made it a bit bitter was one realization: A large part of our circle of friends had not, in fact, grown apart, but grown closer. Those were the ones who stayed at home or returned home. Only I was not part of it. It was I who was the acquaintance met on the wayside. Sure, there had been some cordial “Nice to see you, Lukas”, catching-up, the susual “so what are you doing now?” – but we all knew the time would not be enough to do much more than that, and would do so from the start in five or ten years, but never more. And I hadn’t even met my former best mate at this wedding. I had been sure it would not be like this with him.

Which made me think of my mother’s words when she warned me against leaving the town for good. “You can never really come back once you tear out your roots”, she had said. “If you do, you will always be just a visitor. And there will be bitterness.” She had spoken from her own experience in moving here, but it had also been a plea of a mother who feared abandonment. But young men do not listen to their mothers, and her words had turned out to be true.

So I was sitting here, in the very dancing hall where a few months before the finals, our big school ball had taken place, which triggered some memories all by itself. I was drinking from them like from wine, and I was drinking actual wine, when I realized my wandering, semi-deliberate gaze had met a very deliberate gaze of a woman sitting on the other side of the hall, looking directly at me. From the expression on her face, I thought I had probably stared a bit too long, so I made a face as if realizing what I’d done, lifted my hands a bit and hoped it came across as “oops, sorry, didn’t want to stare” and started to look away. But she seemed dismayed, and gestured in a familiar “what the …” gesture with uplifted palms.

Now it would have been weird to look away, so, I got up and walked over, and said “Hi! Couldn’t help but notice you looking over. My name is …”

“Lukas”, she interrupted. “It’s been a long time.” A slightly mocking smile crossed her lips, a smile that took a few seconds to really recognize because the person wearing it had changed so much. But it was still the same smile belonging to a person who had made high school bearable for me.

Looking at the blonde woman in front of me, I stammered “Pa …”, and she finished “..vla”, helping me to avoid the old name and elegantly revealing the new one.

“Wow” was all I could say, amazed, but mostly immensely happy to see the person I had missed the most. I had used to know them as Pavel, but that didn’t matter.

“You were always good for surprising me, Pavla”, I grinned.

“It was never hard, with you being so slow, Lukas”, she answered, grinning back.

It was the same grin I had been used to, under the same mischievous glint in the eyes. Some small wrinkles were new, but they told that this face still wore that expression often. Gone was my melancholy, gone the bitterness. I had found my old mate back, and that was what counted.

And immediately, we started joking again, as in the old days. It felt the best thing that could have happened had happened: To immediately continue where we had left off a year after school, when we lost contact due to studying in two different cities. I didn’t yet know there was something even better on the way; something to hit me like a bombshell.

We joked, we talked, we sat next to each other at the wall, looking into the hall, commenting what we saw, like we used to, for which we had gotten the predictable nickname “Statler and Waldorf” in school. We got through the superficial “what do you do now” and “where do you live” out of the way; only it was very surprising. It turned out, Pavla didn’t live over at the other side of the country anymore, nor had she returned home … she actually had moved to the capital two years ago.

After a short time, a few minutes or half an hour (I used to lose track of time with Pavel, and that had not changed with Pavla), a short moment of comfortable silence happened. I enjoyed it for a bit, then decided to get serious and ask what had growingly nagged at me.

“Pavla, you do look amazing. You look really happy.”

“Thanks, Lukas. It means a lot that you say that.”

“I am glad. But … I hope you don’t mind me asking this … how have you been living like this? I never knew about it. And I wonder if I should have. Was I not attentive enough in school? I feel like I maybe failed you as a friend.”

Pavla touched my arm “Oh no, no. Don’t worry. But let’s maybe take the serious topics outside? I need a bit of fresh air anyway.”

We left for the moment, walking outside to the small park next to the building.

Pavla continued, “About your question. It’s been only five years full time. Only a few of our classmates knew about it more than a few months ago. Then I wrote an e-mail to everyone.”

“But not to me?” That stung a bit.

“Yes. You got to understand … “, Pavla said, her face getting very intense and serious.

“Yes?”

“… you got to understand I just wanted to see your stupid face when you realized it.” She let out the laugh she had been holding in.

I couldn’t believe it. It was so Pavla. “Seriously?”

“Seriously.” I snorted, and we laughed. God, I had missed this person.

And then she continued, in the way it had always had been with her: Getting to the serious stuff only coming out of a joke. Hesitant. Fighting the urge to pass another joke, and another. That, too, had apparently also never changed. But she got there.

“But seriously, you couldn’t have realized. I didn’t  know it when we were still in school. And I only really began to know it in the last two years we even had contact. I actually had to lose contact with all of you to find the courage.”

“I understand.”, I said. What more was there to say? But then came the bombshell.

“But you were there when my realization started.”, Pavla said.

“I … I was?”

“Yes. We are actually exactly where it was.”

We had reached a small bench. Full of scratched names, a trash can overflowing with beer cans next to it. Still the place for students to go, apparently.

I looked at the place, and a realization came across me as Pavla said “You probably don’t remember our little talk. We were quite drunk.”

__

It had been after midnight on the evening of the great ball of the final classes of school. Pieces of music still drifted out of the building, and we had drifted through the ball as we used to do – not really participating, but commenting, joking, sometimes talking. Two awkward boys who had felt to be outsiders, allied for protection from the cruelty of fellow pupils, and had grown inseparable friends. One tall and clumsy in speech and movement, one smaller and lanky, too quick witted for his own good sometimes (Pavel). We had stood for each other, and slowly had found the acceptance of our class as we all grew a bit more mature.

And now we had had enough in beer and punch to get two seventeen-year-olds drunk enough to need some fresh, chilly air. We found the bench and watched the stars (which kept spinning a bit too much), and did what we always did … talk and talk some more. About upcoming exams, about the big final exams, about school being soon over. And about or friendship.

“Do you think we’ll be friends afterwards? I mean, after all this. After school ends. At university.”, Pavel asked.

“Of course”, I answered. “A friendship like ours is forever. We are so close.”

Pavel smiled. “Yes, I think so, too. It’s like in a book. We spend all the time together, but I really like you, man. It’s no wonder our classmates sometimes tease us as being really a couple.”

I chuckled. And then I realized the alcohol must have really screwed over my mind, because I had spoken a thought out loud. What I had said before knowing was: “Oh, yes, I like you, too. And sometimes I wish it could be really like this. I mean, if you were a girl. We’d make a great couple. Even better than Ewa and Marek”. The two had started dating half a year before.

Pavel chuckled. Said nothing for a few seconds, obviously thinking about it. Started to say something. Biting his lips, obviously holding back a joke. And then, in his serious, more silent tone of voice, just said. “Yes, that would be really nice.”

We looked at each other than, looked into our drunken eyes. It was nice. And then, as if on cue, we snorted and laughed.

“We are such idiots”, Pavel said.

“Yeah. And we didn’t even dance.”

“Let’s go in then, shall we?

We still didn’t dance, but the evening was nice.

___

My thoughts found back to the present. “But I do remember.”

Pavla silently asked, “And do you remember that joke you made? About how it would be nice if I were a girl?”

I started to answer. “Yes, but …”

Pavla waved me to stop, biting her lip, and then very rapidly said. “Sorry, I have to get this out in one piece before I get all emotional. It was that moment, Lukas. It was like you had read my mind, that little joke. I had felt so comfortable with you, sitting there under the stars, and I thought once more what I had thought occasionally, but always repressed – that we would make such a nice couple if only we had been different. Only, of course, it wasn’t possible. And then you said the one thing that could make it possible, the one thing that I had never allowed myself to think about. And it really began to break a dam in me. Your joke really set me on my way. I … ” Pavlas voice broke. Wiping a tear away, but smiling, she said “Sorry … it’s a lot.”

I touched her arm. And I told her what I had never forgotten. “Pavla, it was never a joke. I only pretended it was.”

“You mean … you really meant that, too?”

“Yeah”. And now I realized that apparently, it was my turn to have to talk fast before my voice broke. I swallowed. “I always cared for you, no matter if Pavel or Pavla. I felt I could have never survived high school without you. You were by my side, it was so wonderful. I always wanted to tell you everything. And when you weren’t there, I thought what I finally said. It was like ‘if I got granted a wish, anything’, this would have been it. I felt it would be the answer to so much.”

I stopped … realizing something “And maybe I did realize something back then, after all.” I saw the  first of some tears run down Pavlas face, and I felt one running down my own cheek.

“We really were idiots back then, weren’t we?”, Pavla said, and I nodded. We hugged then. We both couldn’t speak, and there was nothing to say anyway. We could have dwelled on talks we didn’t have, on the time we lost. But that hug, it kept us from drowning in those useless regrets. We held each other above the dark water and kept ourselves in the present. And coming out of the hug, we realized there was no reason for regret, only for rejoicing that we finally had broken the silence and spoken what needed to be said.

We looked at each other, smiling. “Let’s go back”, she said. Which we did.

At the entrance of the dancing hall, I suddenly snorted and smiled.

“What?”, Pavla asked, her eyes revealing my answer better be good.

“We are still idiots, aren’t we?”

“Why is that?”

“Like last time – we haven’t even danced.”

Pavla smiled at that. “We can fix that, at least. ” She took a step back, stretched her hand out, and invited me to follow her to the dance floor.

And while taking her hand and following, I realized that my mother had been wrong, after all: Returning is possible. And reconnecting doesn’t need to be bitter. It can be so sweet.

Amidst the glow of computer screens and the rhythmic clack of keyboards, Alex sat in his cramped office, immersed in lines of code. At 19 years old, he was a mild-mannered software developer with a penchant for order and structure, finding solace in the digital realm where everything had its place.

A typical geek, he wasn't that much into fashion, didn't often get haircuts, and had a typical geek-hobby: Beyond the confines of his office and the mundanity of his daily routine, he was a passionate pen&paper roleplayer. A hero, a warrior, a creature of the night. Alongside his closest friends, he embarked on daring adventures and battled ancient evils, all from the comfort of a dimly lit tabletop adorned with dice and character sheets.

Their game of choice? A vampire-themed pen and paper roleplaying adventure set in the modern world, where they could cast aside the shackles of reality and embrace the darkness that lurked just beyond the veil of society.

But one fateful evening, as the dice rolled and fate hung in the balance, Alex's carefully crafted character met an untimely demise.

The air hung heavy with tension as Alex's character met its demise on the virtual battlefield of an imagined street corner.

"Damn it!" Alex exclaimed, frustration evident in his voice.

His friends exchanged sympathetic glances around the table.

"Sorry, man," Jake said, patting Alex on the back. "Tough break." He was the game master, but that didn't make him like it when the group suffered such a blow so early.

"Yeah, those rolls were brutal," Sarah added, shaking her head.

Alex sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I can't believe I'm out already. We're barely halfway through the campaign."

The group fell into a momentary silence, contemplating their next move.

"Well, we can't just stop now," Mark said, breaking the silence. "We've got to keep going."

"But what about Alex?" Sarah asked. "We can't just leave him out of the game."

"That's true," Mark chimed in. "Hey, what about Alicia?"

All eyes turned to Mark, curiosity piqued.

"Alicia?" Alex repeated, eyebrows raised. Alicia was a NPC that was part of the story. A young brunette, elegant, witty and tough, she was supposed to point the group to the main story arc.

"Yeah, you know, the NPC we've been traveling with," Mark explained. "She's a pretty crucial part of the story, and since she's technically one of us, it wouldn't be too much of a stretch for Alex to take over."

Jake leafed through the notes. "You know, the adventure makes this very much possible. It even suggests Alicia as one of the replacement characters."

Sarah nodded in agreement. "Plus, it could be kinda fun. We've all had a thing for Alicia at this point, right?"

The group chuckled, recalling their fondness for the enigmatic NPC. She had been adorably written by the designers.

"I guess it could work," Alex mused, a hint of excitement creeping into his voice. "I mean, it's not like I've got anything to lose at this point."

"Exactly!" Mark exclaimed. "It's settled then. Alex, you're our new Alicia."

Alex grinned, feeling a surge of adrenaline at the prospect of stepping into a new role.

"Alright, let's do this," he said, determination shining in his eyes. "Alicia, here I come."

•••
As the weeks went by, Alex fully embraced his new role as Alicia, initially playing it off with a sense of irony and exaggeration to avoid any awkwardness. Yet, with each passing session, he found himself slipping effortlessly into the character's persona, surprising even himself with the depth of his portrayal.

His friends marveled at his natural performances, showering him with praise for his immersive roleplaying. "Dude, you're killing it as Alicia," Jake would say, while Sarah would nod in agreement, adding, "Seriously, I almost forget you're not actually her."

Alex found himself eagerly anticipating each roleplaying evening, the excitement building as he prepared to step into Alicia's shoes once more. It wasn't long before the character began to seep into his everyday life, his mannerisms and speech patterns subtly shifting to mirror hers. Alicia began to seep into his everyday life, her influence subtly shaping his actions and demeanor. He found himself speaking with her confidence, moving with her grace. It actually began to take a positive influence in many aspects of life, making him more assertive and confident, pushing ideas in the job and getting praise.

But it didn't stop there. One day, a daring thought crossed his mind – what would it be like to truly embody Alicia, even outside of the game? With his brown hair already grown out quite a bit, he reasoned it couldn't hurt to explore this new identity further. He told himself it would deepen his roleplaying.

Venturing out to a nearby clothing store, Alex found himself drawn to a sleek black dress, the perfect ensemble for the elegant vampire hunter he had come to admire. Hesitant at first, he purchased the dress, feeling a surge of excitement mixed with apprehension.

Back home, he hesitated to put it on, unsure of how it would feel. But as he slipped into the dress, he felt a sense of empowerment wash over him, a newfound confidence coursing through his veins. Standing in front of the mirror, he couldn't help but smile at the reflection staring back at him – a reflection that felt more like Alicia than ever before.

For now, he kept his transformation confined to the privacy of his home, wearing the dress only when alone. Yet, with each passing day, the line between Alex and Alicia blurred further, until it seemed as though they were one and the same.

And so, Alex found himself on the brink of a new adventure, one that would blur the boundaries between reality and fantasy in ways he never imagined possible. Little did he know, this was only the beginning of his journey into the depths of the unknown.

•••
As the summer break approached, the friends bid each other farewell, expressing excitement for the continuation of their campaign in the autumn. Alex smiled warmly, eager to see where their adventures would take them next.

As everyone began to leave, Sarah lingered behind, her expression thoughtful. "Hey, Alex," she said softly, "I just wanted to say... I really enjoyed how you slipped into your role as Alicia. It's almost like playing with another woman sometimes."

Alex felt a rush of warmth flood his cheeks, his heart skipping a beat at Sarah's words. "Thanks," he replied, his voice tinged with shy gratitude. They shared a heartfelt hug before Sarah departed, leaving Alex alone with his thoughts.

Walking home, Alex couldn't shake the sense of validation that Sarah's words had brought him. It felt like a confirmation of everything he had been experiencing – a reassurance that he wasn't alone in his transformation into Alicia.

Arriving home, he made a spontaneous decision. Without hesitation, he slipped into the black dress once more, feeling a sense of liberation wash over him as he stepped outside into the warm summer evening.

The night air felt electric against his skin as he walked the familiar streets, each step carrying him further into the realm of Alicia's world. With each passing moment, he felt more alive than ever before, a sense of freedom and empowerment pulsing through his veins.

As he walked, he couldn't help but wonder what the future held. Would the pause from their roleplaying game cause Alicia to fade away, a mere figment of his imagination? Or would she continue to thrive, shaping his reality in ways he never could have imagined?

With a sense of anticipation tinged with uncertainty, Alex embraced the unknown, ready to embark on a summer filled with endless possibilities. And as the stars twinkled overhead, casting their gentle glow upon the world below, he knew that the journey was only just beginning.

•••
As the autumn breeze carried a hint of nostalgia, Alex found himself fully immersed in the persona of Alicia. The second identity had blossomed over the summer, shaping his appearance and mannerisms in ways he never could have anticipated. With his ears pierced, bangs framing his face, and a wardrobe expanded to fit Alicia's style, he felt more comfortable in his own skin than ever before.

As the first roleplaying evening after the summer break approached, Alex made a decision – he would attend as Alicia. Gathering his courage, he arrived at his friends' gathering place, heart pounding with anticipation.

His friends greeted him with a mixture of surprise and acceptance, their eyebrows raised only slightly at his transformation. "Alex... or should we say, Alicia?" Jake chuckled, breaking the momentary silence.

Alex grinned, a sense of pride swelling within him. "I figured it was time for Alicia to make her grand entrance," he replied, a hint of mischief in his tone.

His friends exchanged knowing glances, a sense of understanding passing between them. "We had a feeling it might be like this," Mark said with a smile, clapping Alex on the back. "Welcome, Alicia. We're glad you're here."

Sarah stepped forward, her expression thoughtful. "It's amazing to see how comfortable you've become in your role," she said, her voice soft. "But now that Alicia's here... we'll need to make a new character, won't we?"

The realization hung in the air, a bittersweet reminder of the changes they had undergone. Yet, as they began to discuss their plans for the future, there was a sense of excitement in the air – a promise of new adventures to come.

And as the evening unfolded, Alex – now Alicia – felt a sense of belonging unlike anything he had ever experienced before. With his friends by his side, he knew that no matter what challenges lay ahead, they would face them together, united in their shared love for the game and each other.

[Notes:
1. English being not my first language, I took AI assistance with translation. Sorry if that shows.
2. First posted at my Deviantart Ducklingstories]

As I sat in front of the bathroom mirror, I couldn't help but study the reflection staring back at me. My long, dark blonde hair flowed down my back like a cascade of silk, reaching well past my shoulders. The makeup palette before me held the power to enhance my deep blue eyes, making them pop with an almost mesmerizing intensity. My fingers delicately painted a subtle smoky eye, accentuating the already feminine features of my face.

With practiced precision, I inserted a pair of hoop earrings, their soft jingles a familiar melody. Turning my gaze to the array of cosmetics before me, I couldn't help but wonder how I had ended up here, locked in a bathroom, sculpting a persona that was both a blessing and a curse. My name is Daniel, and at the tender age of 19, I had discovered the secret to an easy way of living and financing my college education.

You see, I'm what some people might call androgynous, and I've learned to use that to my advantage. With a small frame and delicate facial features, I've been blessed (or cursed) with the ability to pass as a girl effortlessly. And it turns out, people are more than willing to pay for that illusion. I do some modeling—nothing too risqué, just the kind of gigs where designers and photographers need someone with a unique, androgynous look. The truth is, no one ever suspects that I'm not the girl I appear to be. Those photographers and designers who must know a part of the truth believe I'm transgender, a label that doesn't quite fit me either.

My main source of income, however, comes from my employment at an upscale art gallery. The owner, a wealthy and influential woman with a keen eye for aesthetics, had spotted me at a fashion show, looking for models who wanted to earn something extra. We began to chat, and so, I was hired as the gallery's resident face, an ambassador of beauty to receive the affluent guests with my feminine allure.

As I finished applying the makeup, I couldn't help but smile at my reflection. I looked like the perfect embodiment of femininity. My heart was not in this masquerade, but my bank account certainly was. The truth is, I am not transgender, nor do I identify as a woman. I am simply a boy blessed and cursed with looking smaller and more feminine than most. Life had thrown me a curveball, and I'd learned to swing with it.

In the world outside this apartment, everyone I meet thinks I am a girl, and I play the role convincingly. But when I am alone, I can shed the illusion and just be me, if only for a little while. As I rose from the chair and admired my handiwork, I couldn't help but wonder how long I could keep up this double life. How long before the mask I wore would become my true face, and the real me faded away into obscurity? Or until someone finds out and I am forced to earn my living the hard way, not just relying on looks?

For now, though, I have places to be, people to meet, and a persona to maintain. With a final glance in the mirror, I stepped out of the bathroom and into the world, leaving behind the boy named Daniel and embracing the illusion of a girl named Daniela.

But let's not be hasty. There is another part to the story, for loneliness is a constant companion in my life. It is the price I pay for the illusion I meticulously craft every day. You see, my androgynous appearance of course makes it nearly impossible for me to receive attraction, not to even mention relationships with women. They expect their partners to look masculine, and my feminine facade simply doesn't fit their ideal. The ones who do are Lesbian women – but they, on the other hand, might appreciate my feminine looks, but they of course aren't interested in dating a man. So, I was trapped in this peculiar limbo where I remained perpetually single, yearning for connection but unable to find it in conventional ways.

Occasionally, when the weight of loneliness grew unbearable, I would create a Tinder account under the name Vanessa. It was my escape, a way to momentarily quench my longing for warmth and connection. It wasn't about love or relationships; it was about the physical connection, the fleeting moments of intimacy that helped me feel human again. When I ventured into the world of online dating as Vanessa, it was both exhilarating and daunting. The truth was, I got a lot of matches. There was no shortage of good-looking men eager to meet a beautiful woman like Vanessa.

But as I had learned over time, many of them came with their own baggage of arrogance and ego. They would wine and dine me, shower me with compliments, and I'd play along, relishing in the attention. But deep down, I knew that this was a dance, a temporary charade, and sooner or later, the music would stop. I'd have to reveal the truth, and that's when things got complicated. Most of these men, no matter how good-looking, couldn't cope with the revelation. It was as if I'd shattered their illusion of the perfect date. They'd react with anger, disbelief, or even disgust. They'd accuse me of deceit, as if they had not been complicit in the charade themselves. The beautiful women they thought they had met transformed into a boy before their eyes, and they couldn't handle it.

So, I had developed a strategy over time. I went for the average ones, the men who were perhaps not accustomed to a plethora of matches and were grateful for any opportunity to be with a beautiful woman. They were the ones who might not push me away when I eventually had to reveal the truth. It was a cold calculation, a transaction of sorts. We both knew what this was about. They got to be with a woman they found attractive, and I got the brief connection I so desperately craved. In the end, most of them didn't complain. They had known the deal from the start, and they were willing participants in this lonely dance.

Today was one of those days when the weight of my isolation pressed down on me, suffocating me. The emptiness in my heart was unbearable, and I knew it was time to set up a Tinder profile once more. Vanessa would make her return to the virtual dating world, ready to engage in the dance, if only for a night or two …