Is Late Better than Never?
by Lily Rasputin

Chapter Two

Author’s Note: TW: Suicide

It took me a moment to recover from the shock created by the voicemail bombshell.

I pointed at the phone as I glared at Namira. “What the hell was that all about?” The pause button was pressed on my earlier trepidation about angering a powerful, otherworldly being.

“Nanny? Why am I … I mean, why is Maddie, my family’s new nanny? For that matter, why is Kelly even hiring a nanny in the first place?”

“I suppose she needs the extra assistance with raising the children,” the Djinn said with a smile that I wanted to slap off her beautiful face. “I mean, it can’t be easy raising a fourteen-year-old and a ten-year-old by yourself. As for why you’re the new nanny? Well, now you get to be there to help raise them.” The smarmy grin widened. “Per your request.”

I took two steps toward her, determined that I was going to do something physical to her, consequences be damned. Then, the logical portion of my brain caught up with the emotional portion, and I stopped in my tracks.

“Why is Kelly having to do it alone?”

Namira sighed but didn’t remove the pleased expression from her face. “Because you’re dead.” She held up one hand. “I know all of this is a bit of a shock, Madeline, but try and think back to what was probably an hour ago for you. The storm? The oncoming headlights? Any of that ringing a bell?”

My legs immediately quit working, sending me crashing to the carpeted floor with a thud. I could already feel my heart collapsing in on itself.

“I’m dead?” The words clung to my throat like old moss on a willow tree. “I died in that crash?”

She nodded. “I mean, you had to go somewhere, right? Couldn’t turn you into the new her without getting rid of the old you. If it’s any consolation,though, you didn’t feel any pain. I just yanked that all-important soul out right at the moment of impact.” The Djinn seemed extremely pleased with her soul-yanking skills.

It took me several minutes of sitting there, tears rolling down my cheeks, before I could finally swallow the heavy lump lodged in my esophagus. I kept thinking about how devastated they all must have been. Sheila and Devon, standing next to my grave, crying and calling out for their dad. Kelly, dressed in black with a veil over her face. Probably blaming herself for the fight that sent me out into the rainy night to cool down.

I had promised her that my wanting to explore my femininity didn’t mean that she was losing the person that loved her. It just meant that he was going to become a her.

Now, she was all alone.

“This is all my fault,” I whispered. “If we hadn’t fought, if I hadn’t decided it was time to finally come clean about myself, I wouldn’t have left the house in that storm. I’d still be alive and in their lives.”

“Well, you are alive. And the phone call shows that you’re still going to have a place in their lives.” Namira slid to the edge of the bed, placed her hands in her lap, and peered down at me with a look of barely constrained giddiness. “Plus, so you can get on with your new life and stop beating yourself up about what happened before, this was going to happen regardless.”

I wiped my cheeks with the palms of my hands. “What was? Me dying?”

She nodded. “You made the wish. The bargain was sealed. Like I said, I don’t make the rules. I could finally clear your wish off my list, so … Mikey was going bye-bye. If not a car crash in a downpour, then an embolism while mowing the yard. Or a heart attack while watching TV. Once the soul is removed, fate steps in and does the rest.”

I clenched my jaw. “You were going to kill me just so you could grant my wish? How fucking evil is that?”

She shook her head. “I’ve already explained how the whole thing works. You wished to be a girl when you were nineteen. So, the only way to make that happen was to pull your soul out of your forty-nine year old male body and stick it into the body of a nineteen year-old girl.” One finger twirled around in the air next to her temple. “I didn’t run an IQ test on Maddie beforehand, but I’m pretty sure she wasn’t this airheaded.”

Whatever sarcastic comment I was about to make got knocked aside by the formation of a question I really didn’t want to ask. However, since the more I knew, the better off I’d likely be in the end, I knew I had to ask it.

“If you pulled my soul out of my body, my old body, and stuck it in this one,” I tapped my new, more buoyant chest, “what happened to Maddie’s soul?”

“Oh, I suppose it’s in the afterlife.”

“Heaven?”

Namira shrugged. “If that’s where she thought she was going to go. There are no definitive destinations when it comes to an afterlife. If people think they deserve an eternal paradise, then that’s where they go. If they feel they were worthy of damnation, then endless torture is what they get. If they believe they will be reincarnated, then they are. The soul is a pretty powerful thing when it’s freed from that sack of meat you call a body.”

I ignored the metaphysical philosophy in favor of the important part of the answer. Mike was dead, but the soul that had been in his body was now in the body of Maddie. Which meant …

“Did you kill her too?” I asked the Djinn, my narrowing eyes focused on those crimson orbs of hers. “Like you killed me, or whatever? Did you make it so her body would be available for you to use to complete the wish?”

Namira actually had the nerve to look insulted. She shook her head and stood up, towering over me with a scowl. “Most certainly not! We are not allowed to murder humans in the course of granting a wish. For the record, though, I didn’t kill your body. I merely pulled out the soul and let the accident you were already going to have do the job.”

“Sounds a lot like a suspicious circumstance if you ask me. You do the yanking and then nature cleans up the mess.”

“Take it up with the gods if you want. I just work with what I’ve got.”

I nodded, then pushed myself to my feet so that I no longer had to look up at her. Now that I was no longer in shock, or not as much as I had been, I noticed that I was slightly taller than the Djinn. Despite the heeled sandals on her feet.

I glanced back into the mirror, staring at the girl looking back at me. Her cheeks were now splotchy and those green eyes ringed with little red lines. “What happened to her?” I asked as I slowly pulled my gaze back to Namira. “Did you pull out her soul to make room for me?” I wasn’t sure what I’d do if I learned that my wish, cast decades ago, had been responsible for snuffing out Madeline’s life.

Namira shook her head. “No. She died by her own hand.”

Turning, she pointed at the floor next to the nightstand. When I’d jumped out of bed and struck it with my hip, I’d knocked off most of the items that had been on it. Now, looking at where the Djinn was pointing, I could see exactly what those items were.

Prescription medicine bottles. Six of them, in fact. And while I couldn’t be completely sure from my vantage point, it appeared that all of them were empty.

“Suicide?”

Namira nodded with a frown.

“Yes. That’s why there was such a delay in getting you situated. I had to wait for the right person, one that fit all of the necessary parameters to pass on. Well, most of them anyways. The nanny thing was all my doing, though. While it was easy enough to make the other candidates screw up their interviews, planting the memory of a fake applicant into your wife’s mind was a bit harder. Fortunately, by that point, she was at her wit’s end and much more agreeable to hiring you.”

Delay? By that point?

Those two phrases stood out in my mind like giant red flags. I forced myself to turn away from the empty pill bottles to look out the window again. My initial assessment of the foliage outside had been correct. The limbs of the tree outside were full of thick, vibrant green leaves. The sort of leaves that marked late spring. Or early summer.

The night of the fateful storm had been late November.

“How long?” I asked Namira without turning back around. I willed my knees into locking tight and continued to simply stare at the tree limbs waving innocently in the morning breeze. “How long has it been since …?”

“Since you died? Well, if you mean you, as in Mike, it’s been six months, four days, ten hours, and seventeen minutes,” she said. “Give or take. I’m not completely sure what the exact moment your body expired was. If you mean Madeline, she died about six hours ago.”

Six months. My family had been without me for six months. Since I didn’t want to ride that particular train at the moment, I forced myself thoughts toward the other deceased party. Apparently, I’d been sleeping just fine in the body of a young girl who died from a deliberate overdose in the middle of the night.

“Why?” I turned to face the Djinn. “Why did she do it?”

She shrugged. “Tired of living, I suppose. Probably something in her life made it seem like being dead was the better alternative.” She looked at me, arching one perfectly shaped brow. “You know what that’s like, don’t you?”

I felt my cheeks and face ignite with the fires of embarrassment and turned away from her. I honestly couldn’t count the number of times in my life I’d wished to die. But I could count the number of times I’d come close to making it happen.

Five. Five times I’d stood on the precipice of self-termination and stared longingly into the abyss of death. Somehow, I’d always managed to finally find the strength to step away from the edge. To force myself to continue living.

I had no idea how many times Madeline might have stood in that same spot. Once? Three times? Fifty? All I did know was that she finally took that step out into oblivion, into the release she felt she needed. Leaving her body empty and that life, the one she apparently didn’t want, for me.

“Look,” Namira said, drawing my thoughts back to the present. “I understand this is a lot to take in all at once. So, why don’t you just start with enjoying the fact that you’re finally able to be who you wanted to be? Sort of, that is.” She hooked a thumb over her shoulder. “I’ll try to check in and see how you’re doing, but right now, I have someone else waiting for me to fulfill their wish.”

She waggled her fingers at me and sashayed out the door like she was on her way to the spa. Rather than abandoning me to go screw up some other poor chump’s life.

“Hey!” I shouted, marching after her. The bedroom door swung closed on its own behind her, and when I pulled it open a half a second later, she was gone.

I found myself in a living room decorated in a simple style that one might expect from being a college residence. A sofa and matching loveseat sat at perpendicular angles around a square, glass coffee table. The television on the wall was moderately sized and fit the room nicely without dominating the wall space. The prints on the walls were landscapes, mostly beach and ocean scenes. In fact, most of the knick-knacks I could see had a nautical theme to them.

The area behind the sofa consisted of a little alcove featuring a small, octagonal table with four chairs. I could also spot the entrance to what had to be a tiny kitchen.

There was a closed door on the other side of the living room from mine. A polished piece of driftwood hanging on it read, “Beth”, in flowing, bright yellow script. It seemed the unnamed blonde who’d absconded with my sweater did have a name.

However, I saw no trace of Namira or where she might have gone. Which meant any further information about my situation was going to have to come from plain old detective work. Shaking my head, I turned around and went back into the bedroom and closed the door, mentally preparing myself for the arduous task of figuring out who I was now.

Beyond more than a brunette teenager named Madeline who obviously had problems she couldn’t live with.

My first task was picking up the mess on the floor next to the nightstand. As I retrieved the half-dozen yellow bottles and put them back on the table, I read the labels. Diazepam, Xanax, and others I didn’t recognize.

Interestingly, the only one actually prescribed to a “Chambers, Madeline M.” was Xanax.

The rest all had other people’s names on them. Had they been stolen from the medicine cabinets of friends? Or possibly ordered online using fake scripts? Either scenario was likely, but finding out how my body’s former owner acquired the means to end her life wasn’t the task on which I needed to focus.

Once all the bottles were back on the nightstand, I climbed onto the bed and sat in a cross-legged position that was much easier to attain, and more comfortable to be in, than I was used to. Picking up the phone from where Namira tossed it, I used the facial recognition program to unlock it, and went right into the texting app.

The most recent ones had been sent to Beth the Blonde Roommate the previous evening. They started with a lengthy post about how Maddie’s planned evening had ended in a disastrous argument in which she had been called suspicious and untrusting. The twenty or so short messages read like a string of random outbursts of thought.

“She said I was acting too crazy to deal with. Can you believe that???”

“She said I’m not trusting. GMAFB!!!”

“She’s the one who’s always being secretive!!!”

“GMAFB!! One little crying fit and apparently I need to be put in a padded room or something.”

“She fucking broke up with me!! I hate her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I glanced over at the prescription sentries standing in silent formation nearby and frowned. It was a sobering reminder of how the whole depressing story ended.

Apparently the girl described in the messages, whom I was beginning to suspect was the Becki that Beth mentioned, couldn’t handle being around whatever Maddie’s issues were any longer. My body’s former owner had been dumped as unceremoniously as last week’s leftover meatloaf.

From there, the texts to Beth just got more and more distraught. Plenty of variations on “I’m such a mess” and “everyone would be happier if I wasn’t here anymore”.

After 12:30 a.m. or so, the texts became more punctuated with misspellings. By 1:30, there were ten in a row that I eventually deciphered to read, “I’m sorry. Please don’t hate me.” The last of these was sent around 2 a.m.

Given what Namira had said about Madeline’s time of death, she probably passed out right after sending it.

I wiped away the tear that had snuck out of my eye and was sliding down my cheek. I felt horrible and part of me wanted to curl back under those blankets and pretend that I was still in that car, waiting for the other vehicle to slam into me. As much as I wanted to be a female throughout my life, I never wanted it to come from the misery and death of someone else.

Someone who really did have their whole life ahead of them. A life that was, apparently and irrevocably, mine now.

I lifted my gaze from the screen documenting the last moments of the life of Madeline M. Chambers and glanced around the room. It was my room now, my life now, for better or worse. This might not have been the way I would have liked the wish I made all those years ago to be fulfilled, but since there was nothing to be done to change things, the only way to truly honor that sacrifice would be to try and be the best version of Maddie I could be.

Starting with learning all I could about what type of girl she was behind all the sadness and despair.

The rumbling of my stomach finally forced me to take a break in my exploration slash discovery slash cram session to venture out of my room to the kitchen and get something to eat. I didn’t know when there’d last been food in my belly but considering the text messages describing how the night before had gone, I was willing to bet it was going on twenty-four hours.

As I sat at the table, munching on a ham, lettuce, and tomato sandwich, I reviewed what I’d learned so far about who I was now. Who Maddie had been.

As Madeline Marie Chambers, I was a sophomore at the University of North Carolina-Greensboro. Major undeclared. An emailed transcript from the just-ended spring semester pegged me with a 2.4 GPA. Not a great average, but at least it wasn’t a failing one. All of the classes listed were the sort of core subjects all undergrads had to endure.

The only standout had been something called “The Fundamentals of Stage Performance”, which had an A listed as the final grade. The lone high grade in the otherwise mediocre report made me wonder if I was a theater nerd now. Or whatever they’re called these days.

The driver’s license in the wallet revealed that I was now a Gemini (June 19th) and listed a home address in the city but not on campus. When I mapped it, I discovered that it was only two miles or so from where I used to live. The idea that I might have driven past her multiple times, while she waited at the bus stop with the other students, gave me a surreal sense of irony.

Because that would mean that I had probably glanced over her way at least once, and wondered absentmindedly how great it would be to be her.

Also, to my wonder and appreciation, I found a notepad app on the phone that listed all of the passwords to her accounts. Including the one for her bank account, which showed a current balance of almost five thousand dollars. An impressive sum for a teenage college student, were it not for the fact that the address on the license was one of Greensboro’s nicer, more affluent, neighborhoods.

I’d also taken the opportunity to get dressed in something more than an oversized T-shirt and panties. Which led to finding that my inherited form wore a size 34C bra and had two tattoos: a swirling, intricately ornate rose vine pattern in green and red, that started on my side above my right hip and traveled down to the top of my thigh, and a small triquetra in black, positioned above my left breast.

Since I was “meeting” my former wife to finalize the process that would satisfy the remaining stipulations of my wish, I selected a nice pair of khaki shorts, rather than one of the many pairs of jeans that ran the gamut from classy to punk concert. I also put on a nice powder blue, short-sleeved blouse, and a pair of pink and white sneakers.

It had been almost twenty years since I’d had hair long enough to actually style in something other than a side part, so instead of using my limited time to fight with my new curls, I simply gathered them back in a ponytail and secured them in place with a white bow clip. It’d been an even longer period since I’d played with makeup, but I found I could still manage to work my way around a mascara wand, lipstick, and some eyeshadow.

I hoped the finished look seemed more “competent nanny” and less “clueless college student”. Still, some part of my mind whispered that I could probably show up in a toga smelling of beer and wouldn’t get turned down for the job.

Not if Namira had anything to say about it.

While I ate, I scrolled through some of the other text messages, as well as the photo gallery. From my limited review, it seemed that Maddie had seven or eight really close friends, including Beth, and a bunch of casual acquaintances that she either had classes with, or knew from high school.

She also seemed to have a contentious relationship with her parents, particularly her mother. According to some of the more recent messages, they wanted Maddie to spend the summer traveling on vacations with them and not wasting it taking care of a stranger’s ‘snot-nosed kids’. They even tried sweetening the pot by agreeing that her “girlfriend” could come along on some of the trips. Provided the two of them acted like platonic friends and not romantic partners.

“Stuck up and homophobic,” I said with a shake of my head. “Awesome parenting skills there, folks.”

Not that I cared. They might be the parents of this body, but I’d be damned if I was going to let them control my life. I was going to be there for my wife and kids, come hell or high society. Maddie’s parents could take all their passive aggressive attitudes, and their expensive vacations, and shove them right up their asses.

Plus, there was even less chance of taking the girlfriend that had demolished the relationship and sent Maddie into a spiral that led to her downing a ton of medication and slipping out of her mortal coil.

I rinsed the plate and put it in the dishwasher. Along with the coffee cup that Beth apparently left behind in her rush to depart. A glance up at the clock over the stove told me I had a little less than an hour before I needed to meet Kelly. I brushed my teeth, hoping that the pink, completely dry toothbrush was mine, and put on some deodorant.

The girl in the mirror had looked confused and angry earlier, when she’d been confronting the Djinn about her new circumstances. Now, she just looked really nervous. I pushed several attempted smiles onto my face until I found one that felt natural instead of forced. In fact, it actually made me look prettier.

“Okay. Day One as Maddie. You got this.”

I shoved the wallet back into the purse, tossed in the phone, and pulled the strap over my head so that it cut across my torso. A wooden peg board hanging next to the front door sported a single set of keys. When I pulled them off, I noticed that the largest one had the BMW logo embossed on it.

“Figures.”

Jingling the keys in my hand, I pulled open the door and nearly collided with a redheaded young woman standing right on the stoop. A redheaded young woman I recognized from dozens upon dozens of pictures in Maddie’s phone. It was the girl who had broken Maddie’s heart, leading to a downward slide into a fatal overdose.

The girl blocking the doorway let out a squeaky, “Eep!” of surprise and took a step backward. Then she flushed a crimson that nearly matched her long, straight hair and let out a little laugh of embarrassment. “Sorry. I didn’t expect you to open the door before I knocked.”

“You’re Becki,” I said in a breathless whisper that sounded equally surprised. “I mean what … what are you doing here?”

To be honest, I believed the events from the previous evening meant I would be spared having to try to navigate the perils and pitfalls of pretending to remember several months’ worth of dates and conversations. I already have enough on my plate without also trying to keep up with a romantic relationship I knew absolutely nothing about.

The other girl’s blush deepened, and she drew in a breath and let it out with a soft sigh, nodding her head as if agreeing that her presence wasn’t anticipated. From the bloodshot streaks around her light brown eyes and the still puffy nature of the soft flesh beneath them, it was abundantly clear she’d been crying recently.

Her gaze held my own for a second or two before moving up to look past my shoulder into the apartment.

“I know I’m probably the last person you want to see right now,” she said in a quiet, hopeful voice. “But can we talk about last night? Please?”

Is Late Better than Never?
by Lily Rasputin

Chapter Three

I glanced back at the open door behind me, then looked at Becki again, torn about what I should do.

On the one hand, there was no way I was schooled enough in Maddie’s life to even pretend that I could carry on a lengthy conversation with someone who knew her, intimately it seemed, without them catching on that something was wrong. One the other, it would be a fairly efficient way of obtaining valuable information that I likely wouldn’t be able to get otherwise.

Becki bit down on her lower lip, her gaze dipping down my body for a second before coming back up. The apprehensive expression turned into something more curious.

“Were you going out?”

If I’d been in a more relaxed mood, I might have responded with something sarcastic in nature. After all, I was dressed, had my purse and car keys, and practically ran her over attempting to leave the apartment. Obviously I was going somewhere. Instead, I simply nodded.

“I’m meeting Ke … uh … Mrs. Johnston. You know, the woman I applied to nanny for? I got the job.”

Surely Maddie had mentioned the job to her girlfriend, right? It seemed like something that definitely would have come up at least once in a conversation. Unless Namira’s meddling in getting me the job hadn’t included altering the memories of other people. However, Beth had known about it. Had even commented on it.

Becki nodded her head. “Right. The nanny thing. Well, congratulations then.” She smiled. Or tried to. The gesture didn’t quite make it up to her red-tinged eyes. “Do you have to go right now? Can you spare ten minutes? Please?”

I pulled out my phone and glanced at the time. In reality, I probably could have spared close to thirty before I risked being late to the appointment. Of course, the more time Becki and I talked, the greater the threat I would say something suspicious.

“Yeah. I can spare ten minutes. Uh, come in?” I turned around and walked back into the apartment stopping in the living room. I didn’t sit or take my bag off my shoulder.

Becki followed me in and closed the door. She crossed over to stand a few feet away from me, leaning her hip against the back of the sofa. For a few moments, she just stared at me, and I worried she was expecting me to open the conversation. Then she visibly swallowed and gave me another forced smile.

“So, how are you?”

Back from the dead, thanks. Don’t mind the new resident in my skull.

I shrugged. “I’m okay. Tired.”

She nodded. “I didn’t sleep at all last night. If not for the fact that all I had in the fridge was some of Craig’s shitty beer, I might have tried drinking myself unconscious.”

Try downing a bunch of sedatives. That works wonders for putting you to sleep.

“Sorry,” I said. Though I wasn’t sure what I was sorry about. I didn’t harbor any delusions that Maddie had been completely innocent in the argument that led to the breakup. I just didn’t know what blame belonged to my former body’s owner and what should be placed on the nervous redhead.

Becki nodded. “Me too. I said some things last night that I really, really regret. I was hurt and angry and worried,” she held up a hand to stop me from interrupting, “none of which excuses my comments at all.”

“I said some things I probably shouldn’t have as well,” I admitted. “I’m sure it was partially due to the heat of the moment.”

Becki nodded. “I’m sorry that I said sometimes you act so crazy that it’s impossible to love you.” She took a hesitant step toward me. “That’s not true and I didn’t mean it at all. I was just so mad that you didn’t trust me, that I said something I knew would hurt you.” Another step closer, hands held down at her sides. “But I didn’t mean it, Maddie. I swear.”

I forced myself to stay where I was. While I didn’t think the other girl, who had probably twenty pounds and four inches on me, meant to get physically violent, I mentally prepared myself to bolt back to my bedroom if need be.

“It’s okay, Becki. Like you said, you were angry and worried. Sometimes emotions run high, and we say things that we know are wrong, but can’t help saying them nonetheless.”

The look on her face at my comment made me realize that I’d spoken more like I was her dad. Rather than her girlfriend. It seemed that fourteen years of parenting experience couldn’t be erased as easily as the physical years had been. Fortunately, my brain, mostly reliable when it came to clutch plays, performed brilliantly.

I remembered that one of the Cs Maddie had received on her report card had been for a course called Intro to Psychology. And that’s what I ran with.

“At least, that’s what I remember from my Psych class,” I said, giving a little shrug. “Probably all that I can remember.”

Becki’s confused expression lessened but didn’t disappear altogether. “I don’t remember that little nugget of wisdom.” This time, the grin definitely appeared much less strained. “Then again, I was constantly distracted from Dr. Peterson’s lecture because I was busy paying attention to you.”

Crap! Why had I not even considered the possibility that Becki and Maddie might have had the same classes? If they were both sophomores at the same university, the odds were greater that they would want to take the same courses. Idiot!

“Oh, right. Maybe I read it in the textbook.” You can just shut up about classes you never attended now, Maddie.

Becki took another step, the distance between us shrinking to a little more than a foot. “I mean it, though. You aren’t too crazy to love. Because I love you.” She smiled again. “I love you so much, Maddie. I’m just scared, you know? You get in these uber dark moods, and it scares me.”

I nodded as if I understood. Better to keep quiet and let the other girl spell things out.

“I’m scared that you’re going to do something. Hurt yourself, or …” She didn’t say the rest aloud. And, frankly, she didn’t need to. “Then I’m going to be all alone with this huge hole ripped in my heart and that terrifies the shit out of me.” She bit down on her lip again for a moment. “I thought it would be, you know, better if I just ended it and saved myself the pain.”

I didn’t agree with her choice, but I could certainly understand it. It wasn’t hard to hear Kelly’s voice in her words, and I wondered how badly my death had affected her and the kids.

“When I realized I was wrong, I tried calling you to apologize but you never answered. Then when the calls started being dropped without going to voicemail, I figured you’d blocked me. I was going to text Beth to ask her to check on you, because I was worried that you might do something, but I thought she’d ignore me as well. Especially if she knew we’d been fighting again.”

I held out my hands to the side. “Well, I’m okay. I didn’t do anything other than cry myself to sleep.” Better the lie than the truth, right? “So, no worries, right?”

Becki took another step, this time taking one of my outstretched hands into both of hers. The move was so sudden and unexpected that I didn’t have time to flinch or pull away.

“Please don’t do this,” she said as she looked down into my eyes. “Don’t act like everything is fine when it’s not. You are allowed to feel how you feel.” She gave my captured hand a light squeeze. “I love you, Mads. When you make me laugh, make me frustrated, and even when you make me cry. I love you.”

I stared up at her, my brain wracking with panic. This wasn’t what was supposed to have happened. We were going to have a nice chat, I was going to get some information, and then we were going to part amicably. No longer girlfriends, but something much more than strangers.

Declarations of love were so not on the agenda.

“I … Becki, look…”

She shook her head. “No, you don’t have to say it back. I mean, I was the one who broke up with you, right? I just wanted you to know that I still love you and I want to try to make it up to you. Please? Will you let me try?”

“I … suppose?”

Part of me screamed at my refusal to steadfastly deny Becki’s request. To accept her offer was a sure-fire way to get myself into trouble. On the other hand, I had to sympathize with her on some level. My own explosive argument with Kelly, where things not meant had been said, was extremely fresh to me. If I hadn’t died, if Namira hadn’t shown up to grant my wish, I wouldn’t have wanted someone I loved to give up on me.

Another genuine smile, this one mixed with apparent relief, appeared on Becki’s face. She pulled on my arm as she completely removed the distance between us. The next thing I knew, my hand was free and both of Becki’s arms were around my waist. Our chests pressed together as she leaned down to place her cheek next to my ear.

“Thank you. I love you.”

Despite the fact that I was a nineteen year-old female in body, my brain was still decades older. Which meant the perceived age difference made having Becki pressed against me romantically feel like something perverse. However, my only options were to hug her back or stand there like a disgruntled child being hugged by an annoying family member. So, I put my arms around her and sighed.

“I’m going to need some time. I’m sort of trying out something new. Something that might help with the dark thoughts.”

She pulled back and looked into my eyes. Our noses were almost touching, and I feared she was going to kiss me. It wasn’t that she wasn’t pretty enough for me to want to kiss, despite the bags under her bloodshot eyes, Becki was a very pretty young woman. The sort of girl I remember staring at when I was in college while trying to decide which I wanted more: to bed her, or to be her.

The issue was that I hadn’t been affectionate with anyone other than Kelly for almost twenty years. The thought of kissing someone else, even if I was also someone else now, twisted the knife of guilt already shoved into my breast.

“I want to help you. If you’ll let me.”

I let a smile appear on my face at the same time that I pulled my arms back into my own space. “I would like that,” I said. The scary part was that I realized that I think I actually meant it.

After allowing her to talk me into at least calling her later to chat, I was able to get Becki out the door. I took a moment to compose myself, then departed as well. The shiny red BMW convertible was impossible to miss. Not only because it was so brightly colored, but also due to the fact that the lot itself was practically empty.

As I walked to the awaiting vehicle, I glanced around the complex, which was made up of six identical three-story-tall units. A quick count indicated that each building was made up of twelve apartments. The one Beth and Maddie lived in was on the second floor and had a balcony that overlooked the parking lot below.

I slipped behind the wheel of the luxury import and dropped my purse off on the passenger side seat. The engine started with the quiet purr of a well-maintained machine and the radio instantly connected to the phone in my bag, filling the car with the streaming music of one of the many pop stars I knew Sheila to be a fan of.

“Guess we’ve got the same taste in music now, kiddo,” I said with a note of chagrin.

It wasn’t that I disliked my daughter’s musical preferences. It was just that I didn’t see the appeal in a rotation of singers that seemed to be carbon copy cutouts of each other. It was next to impossible for me to tell the difference between Ariana and Demi. Or Taylor and Britney. However, I had to accept the fact that I was going to have to learn to like the genre. Or at least, pretend to.

There were bound to be plenty of changes I was going to make to the personality of Madeline Chambers, some of which I knew couldn’t be helped. Switching her preferred choice in music from modern pop to 80s classics would be just one more thing that might make people suspicious.

When I pulled out of the parking lot, I discovered that I was only a few blocks from the campus itself. I didn’t know if Maddie was the “walk to class” type of girl, but she was going to be when the semester started back up in a few months. I’d always enjoyed being able to walk to places and really had no desire to give up that portion of my old life.

The drive to my former residence was a bit different than I was used to. At the first stoplight I hit, barely a quarter of a mile from my apartment, I found myself idling next to a rather loud Mustang. When I glanced over at the driver absentmindedly, I realized he was staring at me. It took me a second to understand that he wasn’t looking because he wanted to race or anything. He was staring because I was a young woman alone in a vehicle.

I turned my attention forward again, gripping the steering wheel tightly.

“You are a girl now, Mike,” I said to the empty car around me. “Which means that you’re going to have to pay attention to who’s around you. Welcome to the crappy side of being female.”

The light turned green, and I let the muscle car get a considerable lead before turning at an intersection to take an alternate route from the one I’d planned. I felt foolish for being so paranoid, but until I was more comfortable with the nuances of my current reality, I told myself it was better to be safe than sorry. Or worse.

I arrived about five minutes ahead of schedule and decided to park my car at the curb, rather than pull in behind Kelly’s Altima. When I got out, the first thing I noticed was that the grass needed a mow. It was something I’d always preferred to do myself, despite the fact that the rest of the neighborhood utilized the services of landscapers. The property itself was relatively flat and the job rarely took more than an hour of my time.

Plus, it was a chance to work up a sweat while mindlessly toiling and avoiding thoughts I didn’t really want to think.

I strolled up to the front porch, carefully avoiding the three loose pavers that I’d never gotten around to replacing, and bounced up the steps. I almost pulled open the door out of habit, catching myself right as my fingers curled around the handle. I yanked my hand back as if I’d just been about to grab a burning log.

“This isn’t your house anymore, dummy,” I quietly chided myself. “You’re a stranger here, remember?”

Instead, I pressed the button next to the handle and took a moment to stare at my nearly transparent reflection in the storm door. As I did, I repeated the same mantra over and over in my head.

You’re Maddie, not Mike. You’re Maddie, not Mike. You’re Maddie, not Mike.

A shadow appeared at the end of the hallway visible through the door and began to move closer. A second or two later, Kelly opened the door and fixed me with a smile.

“Hey, Madeline. Come on in.” She gestured with the hand not holding the door.

“Thanks, uh, Mrs. Johnston,” I said as I stepped into a foyer that didn’t seem to be all that changed since I last saw it. Which, for me, was a little more than sixteen hours ago.

Kelly closed the door and began to walk down the hallway. “Please, call me Kelly. I mean, I hope we’re going to become close friends while you’re here. Addressing me as Mrs. Johnston is going to get tiresome for us both.”

“Okay, then. Kelly. And you can call me Maddie. Apparently everyone else does.”

Kelly glanced back over her shoulder at me and nodded before turning left into the kitchen. “That’s right. You mentioned that in the interview. Want to grab a seat at the table while I get us something to drink. I’ve got water and soda in the fridge. Or I can brew some fresh coffee if you prefer.”

“Water is fine, thanks.” Did this body even like coffee?

As she rummaged around in the fridge for my beverage, I took a few deep breaths as I attempted to calm my jangling nerves. It wasn’t just the fact that I was here in my old house, trying to pretend to be someone else. It was that my death, Mike’s death, had obviously taken a toll on Kelly.

Don’t get me wrong. She was still as beautiful to me as the day I first saw her. But the intervening six months had changed her in little subtle ways that probably only seemed more drastic to me because of the time lag.

There were heavy circles under her eyes, and her blonde hair seemed less bouncy and more dulled. She’d lost weight. Not enough to be considered emaciated, but the wife I’d run away from the night before had been the right amount of curvy. Healthy. Now, I could see the way her shirt seemed looser, sort of draping across her torso. And the legs sticking out of the bottom of the black tennis skirt were thinner, with more defined muscles in the calves and thighs.

I looked away before she could catch me gawking, only turning back to her as she returned to the table and handed me the chilled bottle.

“Thanks,” I said, twisting off the cap and taking a swallow to soothe my parched throat. “You have a lovely home.”

“You said that during the interview,” she replied, tilting her head in suspicion.

Crap! Five minutes in and I’d already made my first mistake. I put on what I hoped was Maddie’s most charming smile. “And I meant it then, too. I really like this house. It’s definitely family friendly.”

I didn’t care for the little huff of amusement that Kelly released at my comment. It was a sound I knew intimately and understood it meant that she found what I said amusing. And not in a good way.

“I’m sorry?” I said, looking at her. “Was that not a good assessment?”

She stared at me for another couple of seconds, then waved her hand. “It used to be. Maybe it will be again someday.”

I nodded and took another sip of my water. I didn’t know if Kelly had revealed her husband’s fate during her first meeting with Maddie. Correction, the fake memory Namira had planted of her first meeting with Maddie. Best to just wait and see.

“So,” Kelly said as she gave me a terse smile. “As I originally said, the kids are in school for the next three and a half weeks. During the week, I’m going to need you to get them up, feed them breakfast, and make sure they get out the door in time to catch the bus to school. In the afternoons, they will need a snack when they get home and someone to make sure they do their homework. Devon has soccer practice on Mondays and Thursdays at six o’clock through the end of June and Sheila …”

She sighed and shook her head. “Sheila used to have gymnastics on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. However, she lost interest in her extracurriculars after The Accident.”

The Accident. I could practically hear the capitalization in Kelly’s voice. Not just any accident, The Accident.

The one that had left her a widow.

I frowned, clenching my jaw to keep from saying something. Sheila had insisted on taking up gymnastics when she was only eight years old. While she was better than some of the other kids in her classes, she was far from competing on an Olympic level. I remembered sitting and watching her tumble and flip on many a Saturday, cheering along with the rest of the parents. She knew she didn’t have a professional future in the sport, but that never stopped her from flashing a huge smile every single time she got onto the mat.

Now, that joy was something she apparently lost when she lost her dad. The thought of it made my heart ache terribly.

“You mentioned the weekdays while school is in,” I said as I steered the conversation back to the less emotional topic. “What about weekends and summer vacation?”

Kelly shrugged. “I’ll be home on the weekends. As long as I’m not locked in my room, buried underneath a case, you should be able to relax and take the day off. During the week, though, you’ll have to come up with things for them to do that’s more than simply staring at their tablets or watching TV. As for any vacations … that’s going to have to be played by ear. My husband used to plan our summer getaways.” She frowned and looked past me into the murky future. “Right now, I’m not even sure we’ll go anywhere.”

I frowned as well. Figuring out what we were going to do as a family was always a task I eagerly enjoyed. Maybe I’d be able to come up with something that would help the three of them take their minds off their loss.

Kelly stood up and went over to the counter, returning with a couple of sheets of paper that she slid across to me, along with a pen.

“This is a standard contract outlining the expectations of your duties and responsibilities, as well as the compensation for performance that I mentioned in the interview. Please look everything over and sign at the bottom. As for payment, I believe you said that you were fine with a weekly salary. Is that correct?”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” I said with a nod as I pulled the papers closer and began to look them over.

The contract wasn’t too detailed or complicated. As Kelly had said, the majority of my duties revolved around helping care for Sheila and Devon. Which, I guess, was at least an adherence to the letter of my wish, even if it hadn’t been the intent.

I picked up the pen and started to sign my name on the line right below Kelly’s signature. As I did, I had to consciously remind myself that the name “Madeline M. Chambers” was the one I wanted to put down. Not “Michael S. Johnston”. I also did my best to make the swirling letters look more feminine, a big change from my former, nearly illegible scrawl.

Weirdly enough, I thought the results weren’t half bad. I felt like it would only take a bit of practice before the flowery signature came to me naturally. Which led to another thought. How long would it take before everything about being Maddie felt natural and the things that had made me Michael were barely remembered? Although I thought it unlikely that I would actually forget who I used to be, I had to concede that eventually my new life’s aspects would overshadow those of my old one.

Kelly smiled as she picked up the contract and blew out a relieved breath. Had she thought I wasn’t going to agree to the required stipulations of the job? Maybe she’d worried that a young college student wouldn’t actually be willing to give up a large portion of their time to care for a couple of kids. Even if they had been the one to apply for the job.

“So,” Kelly said as she waved one hand toward the doorway, “shall I give you the grand tour of the house and show you your bedroom?”

I followed her around as she led me out of the kitchen and down the short hallway to the living room, trying to ignore the whole oddness of being shown around my own house as if I were a stranger. However, once I started actually paying attention, I began to notice little things that were different than I remembered.

For one, there was a more disorderly appearance to the living room. Despite the fact that Kelly and I had worked long hours, she as an attorney and I as a financial analyst, we had always maintained a relatively tidy home. We worked together to keep things looking presentable and mostly chaos free.

Now, I spotted a couple of pairs of Devon’s shoes haphazardly discarded next to the sofa and an empty glass, with accompanying soda can, sitting in the chair that Sheila often favored.

“I know it’s a bit of a mess,” she said apologetically. “But I’ve just been so swamped with work lately that I’m too tired to do anything about it.”

I nodded. “It’s okay. I imagine it’s not easy being a single parent with two kids.”

Kelly snorted a little laugh in that cute way I always found adorable. “You have no idea.”

Smiling, I shrugged one shoulder. “Well, you won’t be doing it alone anymore.”

The tour took us from the living room through the dining room, past the laundry room (where I noticed two baskets of unwashed clothes), and back around into the foyer and the stairs leading up to the second floor.

“That’s Devon’s room,” she said as she pointed at the open doorway on the left.

The room inside looked like a tornado had hit a toy store. Action figures strewn about, along with two handheld gaming systems and a dozen or so costumes that included a NASA flight suit and a firefighter’s helmet, coat, and mask. The funny thing was that it didn’t really look all that different than I expected.

I grinned. “Looks like a fun place. His own personal Fortress of Solitude.”

Kelly gave me a strange look, but then pointed to a door across the hall from Devon’s. The door was not only closed, but there was a bright yellow handmade sign hanging from a hook that read, “Keep Out!! This means you, Devon!!!” The warning had not been there on Mike’s last night on earth. Sheila had always doted on her little brother. Much more than one might expect a freshly minted teenager to.

“That’s Sheila’s room,” Kelly said.

I simply nodded and continued following my wife down to the end of the hall. She stopped outside the closed door of the room that used to be my home office, located directly across from the master bedroom. She put her hand on the doorknob and turned to smile at me.

‘And this,” she said as she opened the door, “is your room.”

I stared in shocked silence at the scene before me.

My desk, a large cherry thing that I’d picked up from an estate sale and forced two of my friends to help me move, was gone. As was the matching table and bookshelf. Instead, a small double bed occupied the center of the far wall, the duvet a light teal color. The business awards that I had received over the course of my career no longer hung in various places on the walls. They had been replaced by a framed painting of a vast field of roses and another that showed a sea of waving corn stalks with a tiny farmhouse in the distance.

“I figured you could decorate the room as you want. You know, since it’s yours.”

I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to remember that Kelly had had six months to clear out my stuff. When I opened them again, I realized I could still see the impressions of the former furniture in the beige carpeting. It wasn’t hard to assume that she hadn’t turned the space into a bedroom until recently. Probably when she started looking for a nanny.

“It’s perfect,” I said, waiting until I could pretend to be pleased that the spot where I’d spent most of my work career was now just another bedroom before turning around to look at her.

The pensive expression on her face turned into a pleased smile. “Really? Great. I was worried you would think it was too small or something.”

I shook my head. “It’s about the same size as my current bedroom.”

Kelly laughed. “My condolences, then. Oh, and since I figured you didn’t want to share a bath with the kids, you can use the one in the master.” She pointed at the closed door across the hall. “There’s a large garden tub and a separate shower.”

I laughed. “That would be great. Thanks.”

The slamming of the front door caused us both to look down the hallway. Kelly nodded her head in that direction.

“It sounds like Devon’s home.”

By the time we’d made it back downstairs to the kitchen, my son was already doing his best to demolish a bag of potato chips while watching something on his phone. He looked up as we entered, brown eyes widening when he saw me. Then he looked at Kelly and grinned.

“Yes! I knew you were going to pick her!” Salty crumbs flew out of his mouth and landed on the island’s countertop.

I smiled at the sight, happy that at least one thing hadn’t changed since November. Devon’s after school entertainment and snack was as familiar to me as the layout of the house. It was really the only time he ate junk food, and considering he was a pretty active kid, we allowed him that one indulgence.

“Hey, Devon,” I said with a wave of my hand. “Looks like we’re going to be spending a lot of time together. Hanging out and having adventures.”

He grinned even wider and nodded. “I’m glad Mom didn’t pick Mrs. Wilson. She didn’t seem to be a fun person at all. She reminded me of my teacher last year.”

Kelly’s cheeks reddened, but I merely laughed.

“Well, I’ll promise to try to be more fun than Mrs. Stevens.”

Devon nodded, his gaze dropping back to the screen. Kelly, however, threw a suspicious glance my way.

“How did you know he had Mrs. Stevens last year?”

Shit! I totally forgot that the whole debacle with the third-grade teacher wasn’t something Maddie would know about. I’d been so excited to see that Devon was handling my death so well that I let my guard drop. I put a smile that I hoped seemed genuine on my face and shrugged.

“He’s in fourth grade at Jesse Wharton, right? That’s where I went. All of the third graders were terrified of her.”

I mentally crossed my fingers that Mrs. Stevens had been a teacher at the school long enough to have had a ten year old Madeline as a student. Lord knows the old battle-ax was certainly old enough.

“Oh,” Kelly said, but something in her voice cast a shadow of doubt over my explanation. It was as if she didn’t completely believe me, but couldn’t think of a good reason to pursue the suspicion.

However, since she didn’t push the issue, I simply glanced back at Devon as if the matter was dropped. “What are you watching?”

“Spider-Man,” he said, shoving another handful of chips into his mouth. “He’s cool!”

“Spider-Man is cool,” I agreed, then turned back to Kelly. “When would you like me to start?”

She gave me a pained look. “Six months ago?” Then she laughed and shook her head. “Sorry. That was a bit depressing. How soon can you start?”

I ignored the stabbing sensation in my heart and made a point of tapping one finger against my lips. “I can go back home and pack a few things for now. Maybe a week’s worth of clothes and such. I could be back by eight tonight. Before the kids’ bedtime.”

Kelly smiled. “That would be great. I thought I might have to struggle through the rest of this week first. However, if you could be here tonight so we could go over a plan for your first full day that would be a lifesaver.”

I nodded. “Deal.”

The front door slammed again, signaling that Sheila was home, and I turned to look at the kitchen door. The young girl who walked into the room, though, was not the same little girl I had kissed goodnight on my last evening as a man.

Less than twenty-four hours ago, relative to my frame of reference, I gave a hug and a goodnight kiss to a fourteen year-old girl with long blonde hair that was often braided into pigtails and who enjoyed dancing around in brightly colored clothes to the most saccharine, upbeat pop music. She was a bountiful ray of optimism whom I had loved from the moment I held her tiny body in my arms.

The girl standing in the doorway was not that same girl. The golden tresses that used to hang halfway down her back were now hacked to just below her chin. There were dark purple streaks running through in various places. The makeup plastered onto her face added a year or two to her appearance, but also made it look like she was auditioning as an extra for the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Her jeans were ripped across the knees and the black boots encasing her feet were a far cry from the bright pink sneakers she’d made me buy her right before Thanksgiving. The dark gray hoodie, which had to be stifling given the warm spring afternoon, was open enough to reveal that the black T-shirt beneath was far too small on her developing torso.

She stood in the doorway and looked from me to Kelly and back. Devon smiled at her as he pointed at me.

“Look! Mom picked her to watch us. Cool, huh?” Despite his enthusiasm, whatever the animated wall-crawler was doing on the screen was alluring enough that he didn’t wait for Sheila’s reaction to the news.

Which was probably a good thing. Because my daughter, my precious baby girl, looked at me with the same expression one might give to something they stepped in.

“Great. Just what I needed. A babysitter my own age.”

I’m not sure it would be possible to measure the amount of sarcasm and venom contained in those three short sentences.

Then she aimed that dejected, angry look at Kelly. “I’ve got homework,” she announced as she turned around and stomped away. Each footfall on the stairs was an exclamation point punctuating her displeasure and the force of the door to her room being slammed was a statement all on its own.

I looked over at Kelly, my stomach twisting as I saw the pain and embarrassment etched onto her face. She sighed as she leaned against the counter and looked my way.

“Sorry about that. She’s fourteen going on twenty-one.” Her shoulders lifted and fell in an almost helpless gesture. “Please don’t take what she said personally. She didn’t think I needed to hire you. Or anyone, to be honest.”

I nodded, still reeling from what I’d seen and heard. My Sheila, the one I’d left behind, would never have acted that way. Not to a total stranger, and certainly not to her mother.

“She’s hurting,” I said, almost as much to myself as to Kelly.

“Yes,” Kelly agreed. “Hurting and angry. Particularly with me.” When I looked back at her, she gave that same pitiful shrug. “She blames me for her father dying.”

Is Late Better than Never?
by Lily Rasputin

Chapter Four

“Honestly, Madeline. Could you possibly think about someone other than yourself for once?

The woman at the end of the connection, the one listed in the phone’s contacts as “Mother”, possessed an annoyingly superior tone of voice which made me instantly sympathetic for the former Maddie’s having to have dealt with it for her entire life.

A sympathy, I supposed, that I should now feel for myself.

“First, you insist on being … out.” She said it like she’d just tasted something unpleasant. “Now, you’ve hired yourself out as a maid for a family of strangers.” She sighed in what might well be the most melodramatic method possible. “I swear, you are no longer the girl I raised.”

Well, she definitely had that part right.

Lying on the bed in my apartment, I stared up at the ceiling as the woman droned on and on about what a disappointment I was to her and Maddie’s father. It had only taken less than five minutes before I realized Maddie had to have been a saint to not simply cut the woman out of her life permanently. Either that, or she’d been so browbeaten over the course of her life she couldn’t escape.

As the one-sided conversation continued, I thought about my own family and the problems I’d seen in just my quick visit earlier.

After Kelly’s disclosure of the reason for rift between her and our daughter, she suggested that I go back home and get my things just as I’d offered. She promised to have a detailed schedule of the kids’ activities, her parental preferences, and a list of important numbers prepared for me by the time I returned.

I attempted to get more definitive details on Sheila’s behavior but was waved off by Kelly.

“It’s not important,” she said, giving me a tight, sad smile. “To be honest, I don’t completely disagree with her.” The way her arms came up to cross over her abdomen told me that further discussion of the topic wasn’t going to happen.

Not right then, at least.

I nodded, telling her that it shouldn’t take longer than an hour, two at the most, before I returned.

“You know, I could pick up something for dinner on my way back,” I suggested, giving her a smile. “Then you wouldn’t have to worry about cooking anything.”

“I just hired you, Maddie. I don’t expect you to jump right into being…” Then she trailed off, shaking her head as her mouth curled down into a frown.

The aura of sadness rolling off her almost made me want to walk over and wrap her in my arms like I used to do. When I would press her face against my chest as I hugged her and told her that everything would be okay. Even when I knew it wouldn’t.

Especially when I knew it wouldn’t.

“It’s totally no problem at all,” I said with a smile that took a bit of effort to maintain. “I’ll pick up a couple of pizzas as a sort of celebration. On our new partnership. How does that sound?”

Kelly opened her mouth in what was likely the start of a protest, then threw up her hands in acquiescence as she smiled and nodded.

“Actually, that sounds like a great idea. Thanks, Maddie.”

I waved goodbye to Devon, informing him that I would be back in a couple of hours with some pizza. He let out another enthusiastic cheer that nearly burst my eardrums and waved back in reply. I cut my eyes up at the ceiling, but figured Sheila probably couldn’t care less that I was leaving.

I was halfway down the path to my car when I heard Kelly’s voice calling my name. Well, calling Maddie’s name.

Turning around, I saw her hurrying down the walk with my purse clutched in her hand. She held it out to me with a little grin. “You forgot this. Might need it to get back home.”

I felt my face ignite as I took the handbag from her, scolding myself for making such a stupid, completely male mistake.

“Thanks,” I said, slipping the strap over one shoulder. “Not used to carrying this thing yet.” When I realized I’d actually said that aloud, my cheeks grew even hotter. “I mean, I just got it. It’s new.”

Very new, actually.

Kelly laughed, obviously misunderstanding my faux pas. “Yeah, I’m the same way every time I get a new bag.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, happy to let the mistake slide. “Anyway, I’ll be back soon.”

I had no more than arrived back at my apartment, a feat which had required use of the BMW’s navigation system’s history, when my phone started to ring. Glancing at the caller’s information, I saw that it was Maddie’s mother. I let it go to voicemail while I went inside to search for a suitcase.

Less than two minutes later, it rang again. Again, I chose not to answer it. Until I knew more about the relationship between us, I thought it best to ignore her for now. All I had managed to glean from the texts I’d read was that Maddie couldn’t seem to do anything right, and her mother apparently had no faults.

At least, none that she seemed willing to admit to.

Five minutes later, as I began putting various articles of clothing into a black and teal suitcase I found in the closet, I received notification of a new text message. When I saw it was from “Mother”, I sighed and opened it.

“I know you are home, Madeline. Your car is in the parking lot, and your phone is inside the building. Either answer the phone, or I’m coming there myself.”

Wow. Talk about some massively overbearing apron strings. Was Maddie’s mom low-key stalking her daughter?

I certainly didn’t want her coming over here. It would be a lot harder bluffing my way through a conversation with her in person than over the phone. I picked up the stack of shorts I’d just finished neatly folding and put them in the suitcase, then flopped down next to it to call my “mother”.

She answered on the second ring. “Well, it certainly took you long enough. Were you ignoring my calls?” I didn’t think it was humanly possible to sound so put out about something. Did she talk that way to everyone? Or just Maddie?

“No. I was not ignoring your calls. I’m in the middle of doing something and figured I would call you back when I was done.” I tried to channel some of Maddie’s attitude I’d inferred from the text messages I’d read. While it seemed that her mother always got her way, eventually, Maddie never appeared to make it easy for her.

“Busy? Busy doing what?”

“Packing.”

“Packing?” her shrill voice went up another notch. “To go where?”

I sighed as loudly as I could on purpose., hoping it annoyed her. “I got the nanny job so I’m packing some stuff to take with me.”

There was a pause. “Madeline,” she said my name like it was an unwanted chore. “You know how I feel about you and this … job. But do you really need to actually move in with them when you have a perfectly good apartment? After all, it’s not like it’s all that far away.”

“It will be easier to do my job if I’m there than it will be having to drive back and forth all the time.”

Not to mention that being there for my kids only on a part-time basis is not what I signed up for. Or what Namira signed me up for.

She let out a sigh that sounded as if someone had punched her in the gut.

“Honestly, Madeline. I think you’re doing all of this just to punish me. Though I cannot for the life of me understand what I’ve done to deserve it.”

I actually stared at the phone in shocked silence. How in the hell did Maddie survive growing up with this woman? This five-minute conversation already had me ready to burn whatever bridges would be required to make it end.

My gaze drifted over to the nightstand where the empty pill bottles had been quietly stashed away from casual view. It would not surprise me in the least to know that this mother/daughter dynamic partially contributed to the poor girl’s decline into despair.

“Mother,” I said with a slightly clenched jaw to keep from screaming. “This has absolutely nothing to do with you. I’m doing it because I want to do it. Plus, I think it will be good for me. Maybe help get me out of the funk I’ve been in lately.”

Another sigh. “I fail to see how chasing around after a pair of precocious brats will help with your so-called depression, Madeline.” She gave another melodramatic sigh. “I give it a week. Two, at most. Before you will see that I was right. Trust me, darling, being a parent is not for someone who’s weak.”

My fingers curled tightly around the phone, squeezing. Had I still been a man with a man’s grip, I probably would have cracked the casing. I don’t know if Maddie had felt any hatred toward her mother, but I was already on the fast track to despising her. Did she actually think her child “weak”?

What kind of mother says that to her daughter?

I really wanted to tell her that she could fuck right off and enjoy her life without my presence in it. The problem with that idea is that I needed to fully understand enough about the previous Maddie in order to forge ahead as a new and different Maddie.

The last thing I wanted was for a “concerned parent” to get me locked in a psych ward for observation.

“Well,” I said with a calm I did not feel. “I suppose we will find out, won’t we, Mother? Regardless, I need to go. I was in the middle of packing and would like to finish. I told Kelly I would be back there in time for dinner.”

“Dinner?” The surprise in her voice caught me off guard. “It’s Tuesday, Madeline.”

I started to ask what the big deal was about Tuesday when I remembered the way Beth had reacted when I said we could hang out this evening. She’d seemed confused as to why I wasn’t going to dinner with my family.

“I’m sorry,” I said, not feeling the slightest morsel of regret. “I completely forgot.”

“You know your father is going to be disappointed you cancelled.”

“I …” Saying that I didn’t care how disappointed either of them was didn’t seem like a good idea. “Tell him that I’m sorry. I’m sure he’ll understand.”

From there, the call went into a gossip session about people I didn’t know and didn’t care about. Eventually, after wrangling from me a promise that I would meet her for brunch “at the club” tomorrow, Maddie’s mother finally allowed me to end our call.

“Now, I just need to find out what club she was talking about.” I said as I dropped the phone on the bed next to the half-stuffed bag. Greensboro had two country clubs and three private dining clubs that I knew of. I only hoped the GPS history would save my butt once again.

I resumed packing the suitcase, as well as a large duffle I’d found on the top shelf inside the closet. I hoped it would be enough clothing to get me through at least a week or so. My days of the masculine simplicity of jeans, shorts, T-shirts, and boxers had gone the way of the dodo. Now, it was jeans, shorts, T-shirts, skirts, leggings, summer dresses, blouses, bras, and panties.

Not to mention the other accessories, like the jewelry I found in a neatly organized silk pouch. While I’m not an appraiser, none of the items I pulled out to examine looked like they came from Target. Given the apparent social status of Maddie’s family, I couldn’t say I was surprised.

I zipped up both bags, actually having to lay on the suitcase to get it closed, then headed into the bathroom.

Much like with the toothbrush, which I still hoped had been the correct one, I didn’t have the slightest clue which of the products lining the edge of the tub belonged to Maddie. I didn’t want to guess only to have Beth call me later to ask why I had stolen her favorite conditioner. Or made off with her expensive body lotion.

In the end, I decided to take nothing and just stop on my way home to buy new stuff to use. Besides, I thought with a smile, it would be nice to go into Sephora and get the usual ‘Poor Clueless Man’ stare from the staff.

However pleasant that thought was, the reality of my new form’s limitations hit me the moment I pulled the overloaded suitcase off the bed, nearly dislocating my shoulder. As a guy, I’d not been the biggest or strongest man around, but my arms were now devoid of even that small amount of muscle. Bending down, I grabbed the handle and angled the bag back up onto its wheels.

“Well, Mikey, you always did want to be a member of the weaker sex,” I said to myself with a little laugh. “Hope you don’t also suddenly lose the ability to kill spiders.” I knew the use of those old tropes might sound self-defeatist, but I couldn’t help but laugh a little.

Even if my new wardrobe had consisted entirely of fluffy pink attire, I don’t think I would be sad. I might not appreciate the manner in which Namira had fulfilled my wish, I did have to agree that being a female was far better experience.

Just as I rolled the bag into the living room, wondering how I was going to get it down the steps without killing myself, the front door unlocked and swung open. Beth, followed by a rather beefy-looking guy with a surfer haircut, walked into the apartment. She stopped and stared at me, at the suitcase, then back at me again.

“Uh, going on a trip?” she asked, stepping aside to let Mr. Tall, Dark, and Muscular room to come in and close the door.

“I got the nanny job,” I said, shrugging one shoulder. “I’m supposed to start this evening.”

The confused expression on the blonde’s face shifted into a mask of disappointment. “I thought we were going to have a girl’s night. You know, and talk shit about your stupid ex.”

Crap! I’d forgotten about that. I consoled myself by remembering that I’d been super confused about what was going on, the whole ‘new life, new me’, thing.

“Raincheck?” I said, putting a note of hopefulness in my voice. “How about Saturday night?”

Beth nodded, but the guy shook his head and looked down at her. “Babe, Saturday is when we’re going to my Nan’s for dinner.”

“Friday?” Beth countered, then shrugged as she looked back at me. “It’s a two-hour drive to Jake’s Nan’s. By the time we got back, the evening would mostly be over.”

I nodded, turning my attention from the blonde to her boyfriend.
So, this was the Jake that had kept Beth preoccupied while her roommate took a permanent nap? While the strapping muscles visible under the thin material of his tank top and rugged jawline peppered with stubble didn’t get my own motor running, I did have to admit that he was a rather attractive specimen.

“Friday,” I agreed, looking back at Beth. “In the meantime, do you think you can get Captain Hunk to help me get this monstrosity down the stairs? I’d rather not end up with a hernia.”

Jake grinned and nodded his head as he glanced over at Beth and winked.

“Captain Hunk? I like that.” His grin swung back my way, his bright blue eyes full of youthful confidence. He seemed to be the kind of guy who could turn on the right amount of charm to win his way into the pants of just about any girl he wanted. A belief which seemed supported by the fact that he took immediately one of hands before I could react and lightly kissed the back of it.

“I’d be honored to service you, fair Madeline.”

The petite blonde rolled her eyes and snorted. Beth didn’t seem the least bit jealous about the apparent flirting between her boyfriend and her roommate.

“Knock it off, Casanova,” she said shaking her head. “All your sweet talk isn’t going to get you anywhere and you know it. You don’t have the right equipment, bozo.”

I almost pointed out that he had a tongue and fingers, then decided that might be a bit too bold. I didn’t want to potentially alienate one of the few people I knew by name because of overly flirtatious comment.

So, I agreed with Beth instead.

“Give me a call when you grow a pair of boobs and a vag. Then I’ll swoon.”

Jake grinned and released my hand to grab the handle of the suitcase. He reached out with the other and tapped the strap of the duffle resting on my shoulder. “Give me this one, too.”

When I relinquished the second bag, Beth walked over and stood next to me.

“It’s going to be weird not having you here at night. I mean, it’ll be different than when I’m over at Jake’s or you’re at Becki’s.” She gave me a slightly sad smile. “I’m going to miss you.”

Jake let out a little laugh. “Come on, Beth. Maddie’s just moving. It’s not like she’s dying.”

No. She already did that.

I promised Beth we would hang out Friday evening, and that I wasn’t permanently moving out of our apartment. Even though I knew that I would eventually, provided things went well in my new family role. In the meantime, the interactions would help provide a bit more insight into the life which I’d been thrust.

My phone began ringing just as I maneuvered into the almost nonexistent parking lot next to Ludo’s. The tiny restaurant was almost unnoticeable, sandwiched right in the middle of an ancient shopping center, between a Dollar Store and an out-of-business balloon shop that had moved past its glory days back in the late 90s.

I’d discovered the little pizzeria by accident while looking for a last-minute Valentine’s Day gift for Kelly. We’d only been dating a month, but I wanted to get her something to show that I was already falling for her. The balloon shop had been stripped bare by my fellow procrastinators, but I managed to find a card that I thought was cute and flirty.

The front had an image of a guy standing on a path that went off in multiple directions. There was a crumpled map in his hands and a bunch of bright red question marks over his head. On the inside, the man had ditched the map and was walking arm in arm with a blonde woman down one of the many paths. The text inside read, “I used to wonder where I was going. Now, I don’t care as long as it’s with you.”

The sort of thing I might have wanted to receive once upon a time.

When I emerged with my purchase, the allure of the delicious aromas from next door had pulled on my stomach as easily as Kelly had my heart. That evening, I arrived at her apartment with the card, a box of chocolates purchased at Walgreens, and a large Ludo’s pizza. I often credited Louie’s culinary talents with helping me win my wife’s love.

I shut off the engine and pulled out my phone. The unanswered call had been from Becki and there was an a new voicemail waiting to be heard. Reluctantly, I opened the app and pressed play.

“Hey, Maddie. I went by your place, but Beth said you weren’t there. She wouldn’t tell me where you were and pretty much acted like a total bitch. Call me back when you get the chance. Maybe we could grab a coffee or something at The Bean House. I think that band you like is playing tonight. Love you.”

Sighing, I deleted the message and climbed out of the car, mentally kicking myself for not simply telling the girl to go away earlier instead of letting her into the apartment. I’d let curiosity override common sense, leading to Becki thinking there was a chance for her and Maddie to get back together.

I went into Ludo’s and placed an order for one large pepperoni and a medium barbecue chicken and pineapple. If anything could get Sheila out of a foul mood, it was her favorite pizza. As I waited for the order to be ready, I scrolled through Maddie’s phone, reading text messages I’d skipped earlier and checking her social media connections.

Apparently, my new mother’s name was Meredith, and she had quite the internet presence. The more I discovered, the more I began to feel like simply cutting her out of my life was going to be a difficult task. Difficult, but hopefully not impossible.

Suddenly, the sensation of being watched sent the hairs on the back of my neck standing on end.

Glancing up from my phone, I spotted Louie’s oldest son, Georgie, leaning on the counter looking at me. When our eyes met, the corner of his mouth ticked up into an amused smirk. I thought for a moment that I must have something on my face, but when I saw his dark brown eyes dip down to examine my body, I realized that he was staring because I was now a cute female.

I waited until his gaze came back up and his smile widened before I rolled my eyes as obviously as I could, snorted, and went back to looking at the screen in my hands. Even still, I could feel the heat rise in my face at the blatant way he’d indicated his attraction to the new me.

It wasn’t like I reciprocated the interest, but the fact that he found me desirable made me feel … pretty. Like I’d always wanted to feel.

“Order’s ready,” Louie said after a few more minutes.

I put the phone back into my purse, pulled out my wallet, and walked over to the counter. As he tapped on the register’s screen, he glanced at the two boxes next to him and then back to me.

“Barbecue chicken and pineapple? Interesting combination there.”

I pulled out Maddie’s debit card and handed it to him, hoping that I wouldn’t be required to enter a PIN. “Oh? Not a popular selection?”

He shook his head as he swiped my card.

“The only other I know of was a family that used to order it all the time. At least two or three times a month.” He handed my card back to me and frowned. “Shame what happened to the dad. He was a good guy. Always tipped well and never complained about anything.” He made the sign of the cross over his chest, then handed me my receipt.

It felt like I’d popped a tennis ball into my mouth and attempted to swallow it whole. My vision burred with potential tears, and I nodded, turning my face down in pretense of needing to put the receipt and wallet back into my purse.

I don’t know how many evenings I’d chatted with Louie as my order baked in the large stone oven at the back of the restaurant. Conversations about the weather, our kids, the economy. Over fifteen years of steady contact had turned us into friends without me even realizing it.

Now, six months after dying, he still seemed saddened by the loss.

Finally getting the lump in my throat to partially dislodge, I looked back up at him and smiled. “The Johnstons, right?’ I asked. When he nodded with a surprised look, I smiled. “This is actually for them. I’m their new nanny.”

He blinked a few times as a grin formed on his face. He glanced over at Georgie, who seemed just as surprised, though I got the feeling it wasn’t exactly for the same reason.

“Well, I’ll be damned. Wonders never cease, eh?” Louie shook his head and began typing on the register again. “I’m refunding your money. You tell Kelly this meal is on me. You promise to take good care of those kids, okay? They’re good kids.”

I shook my head. “You don’t have to do that, Lou,” I said.”

His eyebrows shot up in curiosity for a moment when I called him by name, but the moment passed without comment, and he waved his hand dismissively.

“No argument. This is my way of showing a little appreciation to one of my most loyal customers.” He gave me a broad smile. “Be sure to tell them that Louie is thinking of them, okay?”

“I will,” I promised.

I put the pizzas on the passenger seat of the BMW and slid back behind the wheel. It felt like my whole body was buzzing and my hands trembled as if I were having a massive sugar drop. I knew that the camaraderie between me and Louie had been more than just a simple matter of business transactions, I just didn’t realize how much more. He’d actually cared about me and my family.

After about five minutes or so, I felt composed enough to drive without causing an accident. I pulled out of the parking lot and headed toward home, the tantalizing aroma of fresh baked pizza filling my nose and the pleasure of reconnecting with an old friend filling my heart.

Is Late Better Than Never?
by Lily Rasputin
Chapter Five

Dinner had not gone over as well as I’d hoped.

When I returned with the pizza, Kelly was upstairs in Sheila’s room. Thankfully, I noticed Devon was outside on the trampoline, so he wasn’t able to hear the screaming match taking place between my wife and daughter.

Sheila found it insulting that Kelly felt she needed someone to watch her. She kept insisting that she wasn’t a little child and could take care of herself. Kelly countered with the fact that she couldn’t keep taking time off work to be here when Devon got home. Or to start preparing dinner so they could have something to eat. Or the hundreds of other little things that needed to be done.

The argument came to a screeching halt when I clearly heard Sheila say, “You wouldn’t be doing it all by yourself if you hadn’t made Dad feel like he needed to get away from you!”

I slumped against the counter, hands over my mouth as tears formed in my eyes.

Did Sheila really think that Kelly was to blame for me dying in that car accident? That her mother drove me out into the storm?

If anyone was to blame, it was Namira for showing up thirty years late and ripping me out of the life that I’d built. I had no doubt that if she’d never showed up, I would have come back to the house much calmer and ready to discuss options that Kelly and I could both agree on.

Even if I decided that I couldn’t live without transitioning, and that led to a divorce, I would still be around as a parent.

Rather than a stranger.

I called Devon in and told him to wash up for dinner. His eyes bugged out of his head when he saw the boxes sitting on the stove.

“Ludo’s! We haven’t had that in forever! Thanks, Maddie!”

Then he ran over and wrapped his arms around my waist, hugging me tightly before rushing off toward the sink.

“Well, at least you have half of them on your side,” Kelly said from behind me.

I blinked rapidly to dispel the tears that were starting to form and turned around with a hopefully nonchalant smile.

“I take it Sheila is still less than thrilled about my being here?”

Kelly sighed and nodded. “She’ll come around. I hope.”

“I’m sure she will.” I gestured at the boxes. “Why don’t you have a seat, and I’ll get everything plated?”

She shook her head. “Maddie, I hired you to be a nanny. Not a maid.”

I laughed and waved my hand. “Just consider it an added perk of hiring me.”

I put two pieces of pizza on a plate for Devon, along with a glass of milk. Kelly also got two pieces, but hers was accompanied by a glass of Chardonnay from an open bottle I found in the fridge.

I put two pieces of the barbecue chicken and pineapple on a plate and set it at Sheila’s place. Kelly looked at the plate and then arched a brow at me.

“How did you know that was Sheila’s favorite?”

Oh, shit. Smart going, Mike.

“Uh, well. I went in and just happened to mention to … the guy behind the counter that I was picking up pizza for the Johnstons. And he told me about how it was a regular order for you.”

Once again, Kelly gave me a slightly incredulous look. I thought she was going to grill me further, but Sheila walked into the kitchen at that exact moment.

Our eyes met and I felt a surge of guilt and sadness tear through my chest like a tsunami of pain. For her part, Sheila’s eyes widened a bit at seeing me, and she paused in mid-stride on her journey toward the refrigerator.

We stared silently at each other for a few seconds before I finally recovered enough to smile and gesture at the table.

“Already have a plate set out for you, Sheila. What would you like to drink?”

She snorted in a remarkably sarcastic way and resumed walking.

“I think I’m old enough to get my own drink, thanks.” Her eyes cut over to Kelly, who was watching the exchange. “Unless my mother thinks I need a sippy cup.”

I saw Kelly’s face fall, and I clenched my jaw to keep from saying something that would have been extremely inappropriate coming from the new hired help. Instead, I merely smiled and nodded.

“Of course. Well, like I said, there’s food on the table for you. I was hoping that we could chat and get to know each other better.”

She grabbed a soda from the door of the refrigerator and then glanced over at the table. Her eyes widened a bit when she saw the slices of pizza. Then, she turned to Kelly and shook her head.

“Lame attempt there, Mother. Totally lame.”

Before her mother or I could explain that the pizza was my doing, she spun on her heel and left the room, slamming her door behind her a few seconds later.

As much as it pained me to see Sheila acting that way, it bothered me just as much that Devon didn’t seem to react to his sister’s outburst. He merely continued to chew on his pizza while watching something on his tablet.

Had he grown so accustomed to Sheila’s anger that it wasn’t anything more than normal to him by now? Or was it just another kid addicted to his electronics?

“Sorry about that,” Kelly said when I grabbed some pizza for myself and joined them at the table. “We haven’t ordered from Ludo’s since her father passed. The barbecue chicken and pineapple pizza was something they shared together.” She sighed. “One of the many things that connected them.”

I frowned, looking up at the ceiling in the direction of Sheila’s room. “What about your connection with her? What do the two of you share?”

“Sadness.”

The rest of the meal passed in silence until Devon pointed at his empty plate as he looked my way with a hopeful expression on his face.

“Can I have dessert? I ate all my dinner.”

I glanced over at Kelly and arched a brow before answering. When she gave me a little nod, I smiled at him.

“Sure. What would you like?”

“Can I have a popsicle?”

I stood up and walked over to the fridge, pulling open the bottom freezer drawer. “Hmmm, no purple. Sorry. How about a green one?”

He pouted about the unavailability of purple for a second or two, then nodded with a smile. “I guess green is okay.”

“Coming right up,” I said as I cut the top off the frozen treat and handed it to him. Then I began clearing the table while Kelly only nibbled at her pizza and looked between me and the doorway through which Sheila had departed.

“Do you need anything while I’m up?” I asked, before sitting back down across from her.

She looked back at me for a moment, not answering. Then she seemed to shake off whatever had been occupying her thoughts and smiled. “I’m good, Maddie. Thank you.” Putting the half-eaten slice of pizza back on her plate, she stood up.

“I’ve got briefs in the morning, so I think I’m going to go take a bath and go to bed.” She flashed me a hopeful smile. “I know it’s your first night, but…”

I nodded. “I’ll get Devon into bed with teeth brushed and everything.” I made a pretense of not knowing what the children’s bedtimes were. “How late can he and Sheila stay up?”

“Devon needs to be in bed by 8:30. Sheila is supposed to go to bed by 9, but I know she sits in there on her phone until much later. Just … let her be for tonight. Okay, Maddie?”

I nodded. “Okay. But she’s going to have to get used to me being here at some point.”

After Kelly went to her bedroom, I cleaned up the kitchen and then moved on to the living room. While I was straightening up, I saw Sheila out of the corner of my eye sneak into the kitchen. When I used the mirror on the wall in the foyer, I saw her standing at the counter eating a slice of pizza.

I quickly moved away and kept busy until I spotted her sneaking back out about fifteen minutes later. When I was sure she was securely behind her closed, and probably locked, door, I got Devon upstairs and ready for bed.

Even though the routine was something I could have done in my sleep, I had to remember not to know anything about the procedure. Or where anything was. He was a great teacher and made sure that I knew that he always wore his yellow SpongeBob pajamas on the weekends and the superhero ones during the week.

He asked me to read him a story. When I asked which one, he ran to the shelf and came back with a thin paperback book. Goodnight, Goodnight Construction Site. I stared at the book in my hand for several minutes, confused as to why he chose this one.

However, before I could ask, he told me.

“My daddy used to read this to me when I was little. I know it’s more for little kids, but I … I just wanted to hear it again.”

I nodded, gesturing silently at his bed while I fought the urge to cry. True, I had read this book to Devon (and Sheila) so many times I could practically recite it word for word. But it had been more than two years since Devon had asked me to read it. The idea that it meant so much to him, much more than I thought it had, felt like a knife blade in my chest.

I had to read it twice before Devon was satisfied. I turned out the light and gave him a light pat on the head.

He smiled up at me, his cherubic face illuminated by the sliver of light coming in from the hallway.

“I’m glad you’re here, Maddie. I really like you.”

“I like you, too, kiddo. Sweet dreams.”

I pulled his door closed and stepped across the hall to Sheila’s room. Knocking gently, I placed my mouth close and said in a soft voice. “Good night, Sheila. See you in the morning.”

As expected, I received no response.

Returning to my room, I closed the door and sat on the bed, staring silently at the floor.
I was home. I was back with my family.

And I couldn’t tell them.

Even though she’d honored the letter of the agreement, she had completely trashed the intent. I shook my head, blew out a breath, and stood up.

“Fuck you, Namira.” The profanity sounded strange coming from my much more feminine voice. “I’m sure you think it’s hilarious, this situation you’ve stuck me in. Well, I’m going to make it work. No matter what I have to do.”

Deciding to leave the full chore of unpacking for tomorrow morning, I dug out my toothbrush and went down the hall to the kids’ bathroom. I know Kelly had said I could use the master, but I figured it would just be easier to use the closer one.

I got undressed, put on a pair of sleep shorts and a tank top, piled my hair on top of my head and wrapped a scrunchie around the lump. Then I climbed into the bed, turned off the light, and drifted off into a restless slumber.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was behind the wheel of my car again, racing through the darkened, rain-slicked streets to try and run away from the pain and shame my confession had created. I turned into a particularly sharp curve and felt the back end of the sedan begin to hydroplane.

The car spun in a one-hundred eighty-degree arc and ceased all momentum. As did the torrential downpour. Time outside the vehicle was frozen as solid as a painting.

Including the pair of insanely bright headlights pointed in my direction.

Someone moved in my peripheral vision, and I turned to look at the passenger seat, expecting to see Namira sitting there wearing that smug grin that I detested.

Instead, I found myself looking at Madeline.

She glanced at me with a small, sad smile. Then she turned her gaze to look through the windshield at the danger coming our way.

“I hope you do a better job of being me than I did, Mike. Enjoy the life I couldn’t.”

I opened my mouth to respond, to tell her that she shouldn’t have thrown her life away, but the vertigo of the car’s momentum kicked back in before I could utter so much as a syllable.

The truck slammed into the car a heartbeat later.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I jerked violently out of slumber to sit up in the bed, a terrified scream lodged in my throat. My chest rose and fell in deep gasping breaths as the cool, air-conditioned air of the small bedroom sent a chill through my shaking and sweating body.

After several long moments of sitting there in the dark, trying to get my heart to stop racing, I finally laid back down and curled up beneath the blankets. The clock on the nightstand read 5:49AM.

I had a little over ten minutes before I needed to actually start my first full day as the teenage nanny to my own children.

When I climbed out of the bed, I couldn’t help but notice how painless it was. The years and mileage I’d put on my old body had made getting up a bit of a slow-going adventure. However, my new body was young and limber. Curiosity struck, and I raised my arms over my head and bent down to place my palms on the floor effortlessly.

I guess if I had to be shoved into another body, at least it was one that was in relatively good shape.

I switched out the damp tank top for a bra and a dark blue UNC-G T-shirt. The sleep shorts were replaced by a pair of black athletic pants while pink fuzzy socks and matching slippers covered my feet. I pulled scrunchie off, regathered my bed-tosses curls back into a pineapple, and restrained them again.

I headed downstairs and got coffee started. As the brew began to drip, I reached up into the cupboard and pulled down Kelly’s green “Grumpy” mug and set it next to the maker. Then I grabbed the cinnamon from the pantry and set it next to the mug.

Heading back upstairs, I tapped lightly on Devon’s door as I opened it. “Hey, Devon? It’s time to wake up, sleepyhead.”

He rolled over, stretched, then blinked open his eyes. For a moment, he just stared at me with a confused look on his face. “Maddie.” A smile split his face when he said my name. “Is it time to get up?”

I nodded. “Yes. You need to get up, get dressed, and get your stuff for school. I’ll go down and make your breakfast. Let me guess, you want two eggs sunny side up and two sausages?”

He laughed. “I do! How did you know?”

Laughing back, I winked. “What kind of nanny would I be if I didn’t.”

I reached out and tousled his hair. As I did, I felt a swell of tears form, blurring my vision. I turned away before Devon could see and stood up. With my back to him, I quickly dried my eyes and then gave him a smile.

“See you downstairs, Champ.”

Satisfied that Devon wasn’t going to go back to sleep and require a second wakeup call, I walked out of his room and across the hall to Sheila’s. After last night’s drama, I was dreading this moment.

Back when I was Mike, which to me was only yesterday, I would have gone into the room, sat down on the edge of the bed, and stroked her hair until she was gently pulled from slumber. It was a habit I’d picked up when she was a toddler, and something that had just continued through until …

However, I was sure that having the nanny she didn’t feel she needed waking her up the same way her father did would go over horribly. And the last thing I wanted to do was start my morning with an angry Sheila. Or one angrier than I’d seen her since my return.

Instead, I tapped lightly on the door a couple of times before placing my mouth close to it.

“Sheila? It’s time to get up and start getting ready. The bus will be here in about an hour.” I paused. “Would you like anything in particular for breakfast?”

There was nothing but utter silence from the other side of the door. Sighing, I tapped lightly again.

“Sheila? You need to start waking up.”

“I’m awake.” The annoyed voice was absent any semblance of sleepiness or disorientation.

Which made me wonder how long she’d been awake.

“What would you like for breakfast?”

“For you to go away.”

I frowned. “I’m sorry, Sheila, but you know I can’t do that. So, do you want anything else?”

There was a pause of about five seconds before she responded.

“For my father to be alive again.”

A sharp lance of pain skewered me right through the chest, and I sighed as I turned and headed downstairs.

When I walked into the kitchen, I found Kelly rushing around back and forth, attempting to get a handful of files shoved into a small briefcase. The cup I’d set out for her was on the table, wisps of steam rising from it, but the travel mug next to the coffee pot was empty.

“Sorry,” she said, closing the briefcase and straightening her blouse. “I had a hard time falling asleep last night so I’m running around like a lunatic this morning. Zimmerman sent out an email at eleven-twenty last night requesting a meeting at eight.” She grabbed the cup off the table. “Are the kids awake yet?”

I nodded as I filled her thermos. “Devon is up and getting dressed. Sheila is … awake.”

“Wonderful.” Kelly flashed a sympathetic smile. “I want to apologize in advance for rushing off so early on your first day. I feel like I’m throwing you to the wolves. Or, at least, the wolf.”

I put two spoons of cinnamon into the mug, stirred it, and then screwed on the lid. Walking over, I put it down on the table and reached out to lightly place my hand on her arm.

“Kelly, you don’t have to worry about doing it all yourself anymore. I’m here now.” I grinned in a hopefully optimistic manner. “I’ve got this.”

She nodded, turning to grab the dark gray blazer from the chair next to her. As she shrugged into it, she looked at me. “How do I look?”

“Like the stars cannot hope to compare.”

The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.

Kelly froze and stared at me, the color slightly vacating her cheeks. “What?”

“Morning, Mommy!”

Devon came into the room, dressed in a pair of jeans that looked relatively clean and a Blue Beetle T-shirt. Of course, he was only wearing one sock, the other still in his hand. He crossed the room and threw himself against Kelly, nearly knocking the mug from her hand.

“Guess what! Maddie’s gonna make me eggs and sausage for breakfast.”

Kelly slowly took her eyes off me to stare down at Devon. “Oh? Is that what you requested?”

He nodded. “I’m glad I don’t have to eat a Pop-Tart today.”

Kelly’s face reddened a bit and she smiled.

“Well, that’s why we hired Maddie, honey. So she can make sure you get a hot meal when Mommy has to rush off.”

He nodded and grinned at me as Kelly ruffled his hair and then leaned down to kiss the top of his head. Rising back up, she gave me another of those concerned looks. I pretended not to notice and smiled down at Devon before heading to the cabinet to get the sausage going.

“I don’t know exactly what time I’ll be home this evening. Hopefully the deposition scheduled for this afternoon goes quickly. If so, I should be here before dinner. If not, don’t wait on me to feed them.”

“Got it. Anything in particular I should make or are you leaving it up to me?”

“Leaving it completely up to you.”

She drained the rest of her coffee and set the cup in the sink before glancing at her watch and grumbling. “Okay, I have to go or I’m going to get stuck on 40. Good luck.”

I dropped a quartet of sausage links into the pan, then turned to look at her. “We’ll be fine. I promise. Just go be legal.”

A door slamming upstairs made us both jump. Kelly’s face flushed again and she mouthed ‘sorry’ before grabbing her briefcase and heading toward the door. Pausing at the bottom of the steps, she called up to Sheila.

“Sheila, I’m leaving for work. Maddie’s making breakfast and will be here when you get home this afternoon. Behave, okay?”

When she received no response, she sighed and left.

I fried up Devon’s eggs and sausage, put them on a plate, and served them to him with a glass of chocolate milk.

“Thanks, Maddie. These look great! Just like my Daddy used to make.”

It would have been a touching, tear-forming statement if it hadn’t come at the same moment that Sheila walked into the kitchen.

When she heard Devon’s declaration, she snorted and shook her head. “Doubtful. Daddy’s breakfast is one of those things that’s just as gone as he is, Dev. Get used to it.”

My hands curled into tiny fists all on their own. “Sheila, that wasn’t a nice thing to say.”

Until that moment, I didn’t know my daughter could sneer. The thought of Sheila’s upper lip curling back in an act of defiant hostility was a totally alien thing. But sneer, she did.

“Sorry if the truth hurts his feelings. The sooner he deals with the fact that our dad is dead, because our mom is a heartless bitch, the better off he’ll be.”

“Sheila! Your mother is not a heartless …” I paused and looked over at Devon, who had abandoned his tablet to look at his sister and me. “She is not heartless. She’s hurting just as bad as you two.”

Maybe worse.

The teenaged bundle of angst and anger shrugged, pulling open the fridge to grab the container with her leftover pizza. Setting it on the counter, she pulled down a mug and filled it nearly to the brim with coffee.

“Since when did you start drinking coffee?”

She shot me a confused look that quickly morphed into one that said I was better off minding my own business. Picking up the container and her cup of java, she walked over to the table. She put them down, splashing a bit of coffee onto the table as she stared balefully at me.

“Look, Maddie, let’s be clear, okay? I don’t want you here. I don’t think we need you here. But since my mom and Devon have overruled me, as usual, I’m stuck with you being here. So, do us both a favor and take care of Devon, do all the shit my mom asks you to do, and stay the hell out of my room and my business. Got it?”

I opened my mouth, then closed it with a nod. “Got it.”

She took her coffee and departed the room without so much as a backward glance. Sighing, I packed Devon’s lunch and made sure he had all his books and supplies in his backpack. While he waited at the door for me, I went to the bottom of the steps and called out to Sheila.

“I’m taking Devon to the bus stop. I’ll be back in a bit.”

“Don’t care,” came the acidic response.

As we walked the block and a half to where the bus would pick him up, Devon seemed to be particularly sullen. Which was a far cry from how he’d been acting earlier.

“What’s going on, D? Why so mopey?”

He shrugged. “I thought when you got hired that Sheila would stop being so mad about everything. But it just seems like she’s even more mad now that you’re here.”

I nodded. “I think it’s just a big change to her. She’s a creature of routine and habit. Throwing a new person into her life, especially one she didn’t feel like was needed, has got her a bit wound up. She’ll come around.”

He shrugged again. “What if she doesn’t? What if she convinces Mom to fire you? I don’t want you to go.”

I stopped and looked down at him. The high color in his face and the gleaming wetness hovering in his eyes nearly ripped my heart in half. I knelt down and placed my hands on his shoulders. I really wanted to pull him in and squeeze him with all the love I felt, but reminded myself I was still a relative stranger in his life.

“Listen to me, Devon. I’m not going anywhere, okay? Your mom picked me, out of all the others, to take care of you and your sister.” Well, it was actually a mediocre genie that picked me, but that’s not the point. “Sheila will eventually accept that I’m here and we’re all going to get along. Okay?”

He nodded, sniffled, and wiped his eyes with his palms. Then he nodded again.

I stood up and took his hand, resuming our trek to the corner. When we got there, I could see the dark yellow school bus trudging slowly up the street. Devon released my hand and sighed.

“Sheila doesn’t think I miss Daddy as much as she does, but she’s wrong,” he said softly. “I think I miss him more because he never spent as much time with me as he did with her.”

I could only stare speechlessly as the bus stopped in front of us, and Devon hopped onboard, waving bye to me through the window as he was carried off to school.

The walk back to the house seemed five times longer, since my brain was a bag full of cats struggling to get out. Had I really paid more attention to Sheila than Devon? I didn’t think so, but obviously I had. At least enough for him to be a bit jealous of her.

It hadn’t been a deliberate thing. Sheila was the first child. The one that turned me from a husband into a father. A little favoritism was bound to be expected, right? Wasn’t that always the way? You love both your children equally, but is it wrong to have a little, tiny bit more love for one?

When I walked into the house, I found Sheila sitting at the kitchen table, scrolling through her phone. Before I could say a word, she held up her hand.

“No, I don’t need an escort to the bus. No, I don’t need a reminder that it will be here in forty minutes. No, I don’t need you to pack my lunch. Yes, I have all of my books and supplies packed.” Her eyes slowly rose to look at me with more malice than I believed possible from her. “Just so you know, I’ve been taking care of Devon and myself almost every morning for months. We didn’t need a nanny then and we don’t need one now. Why don’t you go clean or something.”

I stood there, staring at her. If you’d asked me two days ago if I ever thought my daughter would be capable of speaking to another person, much less someone in authority, in such a fashion, I would have vehemently argued its impossibility.

Was this what my death had done to the eternally optimistic Sheila? Had losing me crushed her beyond repair? I refused to believe that. She was just still in pain and would return to her old self with time and healing.

They all would.

Forcing myself to smile, I merely nodded. “As you wish. Though, to be fair, I never doubted your ability to take care of yourself. As much as I know you didn’t want your mother to hire me, I think you’ll eventually see that it was a good idea.”

“Doubtful.” Her attention drifted back down to her phone.

“Sheila, I think…”

“Don’t care.” She stood up, shoved her phone into her back pocket, grabbed her backpack, and walked outside to sit on the porch steps.

“Wow, she is so your daughter.”

I spun around to find Namira sitting on the counter next to the stove. She was dressed in a simple white shift with a side split that went all the way up to her hip. Grinning at me, she nodded toward the door.

“Such anger. Reminds me of you when you found out I’d granted your wish.”

I stalked across the room to her, not caring that it was probably not a good idea to threaten a powerful entity capable of rewriting reality.

“This is your fault, you know.” I held up my hand. “Yes, I know that I made a wish and that you were required to grant it. But you didn’t have to keep me away for six damned months. If you’d brought me back sooner, I could have done some damage control before things got this bad.”

She shook her head. “I told you that I had to wait until all the proper pieces were in place before I could fulfill your wish. Be glad it was just six months and not six years.”

My retort froze in my throat as my brain leapt ahead to imagine what Kelly, Sheila, and Devon would be like six years after my death. The picture that came to mind was not even remotely pleasant. It was all too easy to see Sheila on her own, keeping zero contact with Kelly. Kelly being depressed and sullen. Devon being a shell of himself after years of being abused by his sister.

“Fine.” I said, slumping against the fridge. “I concede your point. Isn’t there anything you can do to help?”

Her smug smile faded a little and she shook her head, reaching out to pat me on the cheek. “No, sorry. You made a wish to ‘be a girl’, so a girl is what you became. If you’d wished to be ‘female’, then I could have put you in an older, more adult body.”

“I don’t think that would have helped a lot. Sheila’s not in a place to accept any sort of authority. She might hate that Maddie is only a few years older, but I think it would be worse if I was in my twenties or thirties.”

“Probably.” She hopped down off the counter and stared at me for a moment. “For what it’s worth, I am a little sorry I took so long to get to your wish. However, I think you’re going to be just fine in the end.”

I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

That arrogant grin returned. “Trust me, Maddie. I have a one hundred percent satisfaction rate. It’ll just take some time, and it probably won’t be smooth, but I think you’re going to eventually enjoy living that life you always felt denied.”

“I hope so.”

Her hand came up to rest on my shoulder. “I really shouldn’t do this. It’s technically against the rules. However, I will make you a special offer. One time only.”

“What offer?”

“I can release Maddie’s memories.”

I blinked. “Release them? You mean they’re still in my head?”

She nodded. “Deep down, locked away. I can release them. The flip side is that Mike’s memories will fade. Not immediately, mind you. But they will.”

“So, I’ll be two people at once? Maddie and Mike?” The idea seemed dangerous. Given how Maddie’s emotional instability led to her demise.

“For a little while.” Namira held up both hands at even levels. Slowly she lowered one and raised the other. “As time goes by, you will be more Maddie than Mike. To the point where Mike will disappear entirely. Only Maddie will be left.”

I shook my head. “No. I mean, it might make it easier on me in a lot of ways, but I don’t exactly trust Maddie, the old Maddie, with my kids. I’ll keep my own memories, thanks.”

She smiled in a manner that made me instantly suspicious. “You know, I had a feeling that you would say that. And while I would really like to stick around and see how this all plays out, my time with you is at an end.” Before I could respond, she stepped forward, grabbed me in a tight hug, and blew softly into my ear, sending a strange shudder running through me.

Then she stepped back and gave me a wink.

“Good luck, Maddie. Enjoy your new life.”

I stood there and watched silently as Namira faded away, leaving me alone.

Is Late Better than Never? Chapter 6
by Lily Rasputin

I honestly wasn’t the least bit surprised to learn that the club Maddie’s parents belonged to happened to be the ritziest, most expensive, and most exclusive one in Greensboro.

Pulling the Beemer into an empty spot not too far from the oversized putting green, I stared at the massive structure that was a living testament to wealth and privilege. As Mike, I had only been here once, at a gala charity fundraiser that one of the senior partners of Kelly’s firm was hosting.

I’d been forced to put on a constraining, boring black and white monkey suit while Kelly had wowed in a royal blue, off-the-shoulder, mermaid dress and matching heels.

The evening of smiling and pretending I wasn’t completely envious of her resulted in far too many glasses of champagne and a horrible next-day hangover.

Of course, tuxedos were now a thing of the past for me.

I climbed out of the car and smoothed the peach tennis skirt, the pleated panels brushing against the tops of my thighs. I found it, and several others in various colors, in Maddie’s closet. Their existence, along with the racket I also discovered, hinted that the former owner of my body must have played regularly.

If I was going to keep up with some parts of the Maddie Charade, I probably needed to learn the game.

In addition to the skirt, I had selected an off-white blouse and a peach-colored bow that held my hair back in a thick ponytail. I freely admit that I spent several long minutes staring at my reflection, marveling at the wonder and joy of actually being able to wear the outfits I’d long been denied. And looking cute in them to boot!

Grabbing my purse off the passenger seat, I slung it over my shoulder and headed into the club. The foyer was just as large and pretentious as I recalled, and the two women standing behind an ornate marble podium glanced up as I approached.

The younger, a blonde close to my own age smiled with an expression of glee at seeing me. She was dressed in a white tuxedo shirt and a pair of black slacks. The gold, oval pin affixed over her left breast identified her as “Stephanie”.

Her companion, a matronly looking woman in a black and gray skirt suit, only gave me a cursory glance before returning her attention to the paperwork on the hostess stand. When she lifted her face again, the aura of professional decorum whirled around her.

“Good morning, Miss Chambers. Your mother is awaiting you at her usual table.”

Usual table? From what I could recall, the country club had five dining rooms. Where the hell was Meredith’s “usual table”?

“Oh,” I said, trying to squeeze a clue out of the word. “Uh, she mentioned to me that she was thinking about sitting someplace new today. Weird.”

The older woman’s brow scrunched. “I can assure you, Miss Chambers, that she did not indicate such a preference to me.

“Carol,” the blonde said, looking at her colleague, “I was about to check with the chef about the menu for the Langham party. I will escort Miss Chambers to her mother.”

“Very well, Stephanie,” Carol replied, sounding like it wasn’t anywhere close to well in her mind. “Enjoy your lunch, Miss Chambers.”

“Thanks,” I said. Though it was directed more at the blonde than her haughty coworker.

Stephanie walked out from behind the desk and started down the left side hallway.

I walked beside Stephanie, trying not to gawk at the décor like someone who’d never been there before. Occasionally, I glanced over to see my escort looking at me with a weird, apprehensive expression on her face.

Was she waiting for me to say something? Did Maddie normally have casual banter with the Club’s staff?

Given what I knew of her mother, it was likely that chit-chatting with the “help” was probably not something that was condoned.

Right before we reached the ornate, oak double doors of the dining room, Stephanie stopped and looked at me with a pinched brow.

“Maddie, are you mad at me?”
I stopped as well and looked at her, blinking a few times before shaking my head. I mean, I wasn’t mad at her. Had Other Maddie been?

“I’m not mad at you, Stephanie. Honest.”

The pinched expression deepened, and her mouth formed a tiny pout.

“Stephanie? Really?”

I quickly glanced down at her nametag, confirming that I hadn’t heard the other woman incorrectly. When I glanced back up, the pout had worsened.

“Uh, really. I’m not mad or upset with you. Should I be?”

Please say no. Pretty please. I have enough drama to deal with as it is.

She shrugged. “I called you the other night to see if you were okay. But when you answered, all you said was that you didn’t want to talk to me. Then I found out from your mom that you did get the nanny job, but you said if you did we’d go out to celebrate.”

She sighed and shook her head. “It was bad enough you ghosted me. Now you’re back to calling me ‘Stephanie’.”

Uh-oh.

“I just … the other night was a really bad night for me. I thought my life was over.” Which to be honest, it was. “Then I got the job and got so busy trying to get everything settled at the Johnston’s that I completely forgot. I really didn’t mean to, uh, ghost you.”

Ghost meant ignore, right? I seemed to recall Sheila using the phrase multiple times in that context. God, I was not only going to have to learn to like mindless pop music, but I was also going to have to learn a whole new lexicon of slang.

Stephanie shrugged again. “So, do you want to get together later and talk about it?”

I nodded, though I really didn’t. “Sure. When and where?”

“I’m off at two. We could meet at the Shake Shack around three. Does that fit in your schedule?”

I thought about the kids’ bus schedule. Devon would be dropped off between 3:30 and 3:45, depending upon who was driving. Sheila wouldn’t be home until 4:30 or so. I didn’t want to not be there on my first day to greet Devon when he got home.

“Can we do two-thirty? I want to be back at the Johnston’s before the kids get home from school.”

She seemed to consider it a moment and nodded. “That’s doable.” Then she smiled in a most salacious manner. “Unless … you want to wait and meet up later after you put them to bed.”

Before I realized what she was doing, she reached out and ran her finger lightly down my bare arm. I shuddered and pulled my limb away as I stared at her. Almost immediately, a hurtful expression formed on her face.

“I’m sorry. I just …” She looked at my face, which still wore a shocked expression and sighed. “You know what, just never mind.”

“Steph,” I said, hoping that the shortened form of her name was the one that Maddie normally used, “don’t be mad.”

She moved past me and pulled open the door, gesturing for me to enter ahead of her.

Inside, there were several tables of diners seated around the room. Some were finished eating, some in the process, and some still waiting for their meals to arrive. No one was in jeans or anything that looked like it might have been purchased at Target.

The ability to spot designer attire was one of the few things about wanting to be a woman most of my life I could easily acquire.

Stephanie nodded her head toward the large bay windows on the other side of the room. On the terrace outside, I spotted Meredith sitting at a small table, her profile angled toward the interior while her gaze loomed across the manicured golf course located behind the clubhouse.

“Your mother is on the veranda awaiting you, Miss Chambers. Enjoy your lunch.”

“Steph,” I said again, but she simply turned and walked away without as much as a backward glance.

“What the hell was that all about,” I mumbled to myself before heading through the glass doors that led to the outside dining area.

Meredith wasn’t the only diner seated on the veranda, but the tables on either side of hers were empty. For some reason, I believed it was due more to other people not wanting to be near her than her not wanting to be near other people.

I walked over to the table, noticing the way that Meredith pretended to not notice my arrival, though the shift in her posture gave her away. However, since I was pretty much winging it, I decided to behave in a manner I suspected Maddie would have.

Cautious deference.

“Mother,” I said as I got to the table, drawing her attention slowly toward me. “You look lovelytoday.”

She glanced down at her attire, a dark green sleeveless dress, and then back to me. “Thank you, Madeline. I see you decided to dress a little closer to your station.” One perfectly plucked brow arched as she looked at my chest. “No Pride pins today?”

I frowned, pulling out the chair opposite hers to sit. It put me directly in the way of her inspection of the links. “I didn’t come here to start a fight.”

“That would be a first,” she replied.

I almost stood back up and walked away. This woman had obviously made her daughter’s life a living hell and I saw no reason why I should have to deal with her now that Maddie’s life was mine. However, given their dynamic, leaving would have likely made Meredith feel justified and superior.

The very least I could do for Maddie was refuse to cower to her mother’s attacks.

Apparently my motion, brief as it was, caught her attention. “Sit down, Madeline. Let’s try to at least have a civilized meal, shall we?” The arched brow rose higher. “Or do you need to get back to dirty diapers and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?”

I drew in a breath and clenched my fists tightly beneath the table. Meredith was attempting to get a rise out of me. Something that, judging by the texts and emails I’d read on Maddie’s phone, she enjoyed doing to her only child. The problem now was that I was not a brow-beaten nineteen-year-old.

Even if I did look like one.

“No, Mother, I do not. Devon and Sheila are currently in school. And given that they are ten and fourteen, there are no diapers. Dirty or otherwise.” I smiled as sweetly as I could and picked up the glass of ice water sitting in front of me and took a sip. “Plus, I happen to think that peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are delicious.”

Meredith’s mouth puckered as if she’d just bitten into a rotten lemon. Apparently she was not expecting a Madeline that would give her sass back. I momentarily hoped she would be able to adjust to this change in her child, then decided that I really didn’t care.

“Well. I think you’re doing this just to spite me. Do you know that Margret Collingswood came up to me at Bridge this morning and told me that Caroline was spending her summer interning at her husband’s law firm. My daughter, however, has decided to become a daycare worker.”

I shrugged. “Well, you know what they say, Mother. Do what you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life.” I set the glass down and picked up the menu, bound in a thick genuine leather binder. “Now, what shall I have today? Do you think the chef will make a PB&J, if I request it?”

It didn’t require looking up to know I’d gotten to her. The huff of annoyance told me enough.

As it turned out, I did not order the threatened PB&J. I actually ordered a cup of lobster bisque and a half of a club sandwich. Meredith ordered a cobb salad and a glass of Chablis.

As she sipped on her wine and waited for our food, she went on and on about this person and that person. Who was likely to get nominated for the Board, who was spotted with whose wife, and other assorted strands of sordid gossip that I sincerely doubted the former Maddie enjoyed hearing any more than I did.

When the waiter arrived with our plates, he was accompanied by an older gentleman in an expensive three-piece suit.

“Mademoiselles Chambers,” he said in a snooty French accent. “How good it is to have you dining with us again. Miss Madeline, it has been far too long since I have seen your lovely face.” He reached out and took my hand, placing a gentle kiss on the back of it. Releasing me, he stepped back and looked between us. “I trust everything so far has been to your satisfaction?”

Meredith nodded, some color rising into her cheeks. “Of course, Marcel. Impeccable as usual.”

Marcel smiled at her. The look was meant to be flirtatiously flattering and seemed to do its intended job on the woman across from me. Meredith’s flush became a blush, and I focused on eating my soup to keep from making an observational comment.

When he departed our table to schmooze with another, I glanced up from my appetizer and smirked at Meredith. “You know, you look just like I did the first time Becki kissed me. All crimson-faced nervous excitement. Something I should know about you and Monsieur Marcel?”

Meredith wrinkled her nose and glared at me. “Let’s not be crass while we’re trying to eat, Madeline. There’s nothing wrong with feeling appreciated by a handsome man. Lord knows your father doesn’t appreciate me the way he used to.”

“Sounds dire. Maybe you two should get divorced.” I set the spoon down in the empty cup. “If I get a choice, can I live with Dad?”

She set the wine glass down so hard I thought it was going to snap the stem off.

“That is enough. I do not know what has gotten into you today, Madeline, but it is going to stop right now. It is bad enough that you embarrass me in front of my friends with your lesbian experiments and decision to be a glorified servant, but you will not speak to me as if we are equals. You are my daughter, and you will afford me the respect that I am due as your mother.”

I gaped at her. The audacity was absolutely palatable. It was clear from what I’d discovered that Meredith expected the Mother-Daughter Respect Road to be a one-way street. No wonder Maddie had been so screwed up. Living with that for nineteen years must have been hell.

I mean, my parents hadn’t been saints, but if I’d had to grow up listening to Meredith arrogantly nitpick at every aspect of me, I probably would have swallowed a bunch of pills, too.

Sighing, I looked away from her. “As you wish.”

Luckily, our food kept our mouths mostly occupied for the rest of the lunch. When we were done, Meredith dabbed at the corner of her mouth with her napkin, then pulled a small, silver compact from her purse and checked her appearance.

I almost asked if she was primping for Marcel but decided reigniting the argument wasn’t conducive to the reason I’d agreed to this brunch in the first place. It had given me an even closer understanding of Maddie’s home life, at least when it came to dealing with her mother. I couldn’t place any bets that her father was any better, though I suspected that being attacked from two angles would have caused the teen to check out earlier than she did.

“Well, this has been delightful, Mother. However, I must be off. I have things to do before I resume my babysitting duties.”

She stared at me as if I’d reached over the table and slapped her. Something I was really, really eager to do.

“You aren’t going to have dessert?”

“No thanks,” I said with a smile I didn’t attempt to make less fake. If I had to spend another twenty to thirty minutes at the table with this woman, I was going to throw her over the railing.

The compact snapped closed. “Very well. If you must rush off.”

I nodded and stood. “See you on, uh, Tuesday.”

She frowned. “Tuesday?”

I frowned in response. “Tuesday … for dinner.” That was a weekly thing, right? Or had I just assumed based on Beth’s comment.

“I know what night our traditional family dinner is on, Madeline. But aren’t you forgetting Saturday? You agreed to come with us.”

“Where?”

Meredith sighed and shook her head. “I really do not know what has gotten into you lately. We are going shopping for Georgina’s dress.”

“Oh,” I said with a small nod. “I forgot that was this Saturday. I, uh, might have plans.”

Her already disappointed look dropped to an Arctic temperature. “You promised her that you would come. I swear, Madeline, you are really starting to worry me.” She arched a brow. “Are you still taking your medication? Maybe we should schedule an appointment with Dr. Barrow.”

Fuck.

I shook my head. “I’m fine, Mother. Yes, I’m still taking my medication. I just forgot that Georgina’s dress thing was this week. Uh, can you text me the time and place so I don’t forget again?”

Meredith pulled out her phone and began to type, shaking her head. “I swear, you are getting more and more like your father every day. I hope you’ll be lucky enough one day to find a man who knows how to keep you on track.”

Given that I finally saw an exit point to this whole rendezvous approaching, I didn’t think it was wise to remind her that I was a lesbian. Nor her daughter.

“Thank you, Mother. I’ll see you on Saturday.”

I stopped by the front desk on my way out but found only Carol working there. When I asked about Stephanie, the older woman merely shook her head. “She’s gone on break, Miss Chambers. Is there something I can do for you?”

“No, thanks,” I said. “I just wanted to say goodbye.”

She gave me a strange look, then nodded. “I will pass that on to her, Miss Chambers. Have a nice day.”

I glanced at my phone and deduced that I had plenty of time to swing by Maddie’s apartment and get some more things to bring to the house before Devon’s bus arrived.

When I pulled into the parking lot, I received a text from a number identified as “The Club”. Opening it, I read the message.

Sorry I was a bitch. I just don’t know what’s going on with us. Still meet this afternoon?

Stephanie.

I sighed and responded, letting her know that I could still join her at the Shake Shack as originally suggested. While I had zero interest in resuming whatever relationship she and Maddie had, I figured it might be a good idea to know exactly what that relationship was. To keep from getting blindsided again.

In the apartment, I found Beth sitting on the sofa watching a movie. She glanced over as I came through the door, then grinned.

“Good thing Jake and I weren’t in the middle of getting busy. That would have been embarrassing.”

I wanted to comment that she and the helpful and hunky Jake weren’t old enough to be “getting busy” on the living room sofa, then remembered my own forays in the Heing and Sheing during my first trip through life as a college freshman.

“Ew, don’t,” I said with a laugh. “I still live here on occasion, you know.”

Though, if things worked out, I would be at my former home on a completely permanent basis.

“You do?” Beth asked, her face attempting to be serious but failing miserably. “Guess I shouldn’t have turned your room into a sex dungeon then, right?”

I rolled my eyes. “I’ve been gone a day, Beth. Even Stud Boy can’t remodel that fast.”

“He’s fast in other areas, though,” she said with a wink.

I shook my head. “You poor girl. No wonder you’re sexually frustrated.”

I dodged the pillow she threw at me and went into my bedroom.

I picked out another two weeks’ worth of clothing and the rest of my toiletries from the bathroom. However, since I hadn’t thought of bringing my suitcase back with me, I asked Beth if she had one I could borrow.

I didn’t understand the sheepish look on her face until she came out of her own room with a piece of luggage that looked exactly like the one I’d used, only slightly smaller.

“I meant to give this back to you after that trip to Cabo, but I forgot.”

I waved my hand. “It’s okay.” Then I gave her a little smirk. “Unless you and Jake were using it for salacious purposes. In that case, I suggest burning it.”

She handed me the bag and stuck her tongue out at me. “Don’t act like you and Becki never got up to freaky shit all of the …” She stopped speaking and looked at me with a guilty and apprehensive expression. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to bring her up.”

Shrugging, I gave her a slight smile. “It’s okay. We did what we did. As far as I’m concerned, that was a totally different Maddie. A fresh start would be good, right?”

“Absolutely.”

I went back into my room and stuffed as much as I could into the suitcase, then had to grab a cardboard box from the back of the closet to contain the rest. When I was ready to go, I took everything down to my car in two trips, then came back up to say goodbye to Beth.

“Remember, you promised that we were still going to hang out on the regular. I’m gonna hold you to that.”

I nodded. “I promised we’d get together on Friday, didn’t I?”

“You did.” She stepped forward and gave me a hug. “See you on Friday, Mads.”

When I got down to my car, I realized I’d left my phone on the passenger seat. Picking it up, I saw I had one missed call and one missed text.

The text was from Stephanie.

Running @ 10 min late. Wait 4 me?

The voicemail was from Becki.

“Hey, Mads. Just calling to see what you’re doing and how your first night as a nanny went. Give me a call when you can. Love you.”

As I pulled out of the parking lot, I started to fear that extricating myself from Becki was going to be harder than I originally hoped. I could only imagine how turbulent the relationship between her and Maddie had been, especially when I factored in the recently discovered knowledge that my body’s former owner had been carrying on an affair with Stephanie.

I pulled into the Shake Shack around ten after two, parking next to a white Jeep. When I got out and walked around it toward the building, I noticed it had a pink vanity plate on the front. “STEFFIE.”

Okay, it looks like Stephanie preferred Steffie over Steph. If Maddie knew that, it would explain why I’d gotten such a response at the club. When I stepped inside the air-conditioned shop, I let out a tiny gasp as the cold air easily slipped through the thin material of the blouse and the bra beneath.

Who knew nipples could turn instantly painful.

Stephanie (Steffie) was standing at the counter, facing me. Behind her, a guy who looked to be in his late 20s leaned forward, his dark brown eyes sliding off her onto me.

Well, onto my boobs, to be exact.

I brought my arms up in a partial blockade of his leer and that seemed to change his focus to a part of my body further north.

“I ordered you a cookies and cream with chocolate syrup,” Steffie said as I closed the distance between us. “That’s still your favorite, right?”

For the record, I’ve never been a fan of cookies and cream. Hopefully I could pretend otherwise in order to keep the facade going.

“Most definitely,” I replied, reaching into my purse for my debit card and handing it to the guy. “But this is my treat. Since I wasn’t the most receptive earlier.”

She gave me a weird look, then shook her head. “No, it was my fault. I should have considered the fact that if you were meeting your mom, you weren’t going to be in the best of moods. I guess I was just a little paranoid that you’d decided not to break up with your girlfriend.”

I squeezed my jaw shut and fought against the surprised expression aching to dance across my face. If Maddie had already planned to break up with Becki, then why the whole downward spiral to suicide when it actually happened? Was there something I didn’t know that happened that night, or had Maddie just been lying to Steffie? Stringing her along with the hope that the two of them could be an official couple?

The more I learned about Maddie’s former life, the less I was beginning to understand. It was far more convoluted and complex than I initially realized. The girl should have been more focused on dealing with the problems in her life before rushing out to add to them.

Of course, that was pretty rich coming from someone who used a wishing coin to try and fix their life.

“No,” I said. ‘We broke up the other night. It just hit me a little harder than I expected. I’m going to need a little time to get my head on straight.”

Stephanie nodded. “Understandable. Just …” She smiled sadly at me. “Don’t take too much time.”

“I won’t.” I’ll just take as much time as it takes for you to latch onto someone else and forget about me.

We sat in a booth with our desserts. She had her back to the guy at the counter, so she wasn’t privy to the way he hung around the end closest to us, cleaning and re-cleaning the display case. I couldn’t tell if he was an ordinary creeper or not, but I gave him a hard glare the one time our eyes met. After that, he moved a few feet further down and stopped looking our way.

“What’s it like being a nanny?”

I shrugged. “Like being a surrogate parent, I guess. I just started yesterday, so I’m still trying to figure out where I fit into the family dynamic.”

“God, you’re so lucky. I would love to have a job where I could work with a loving family. Rather than all the rich, spoiled assholes that I deal with daily.” Frowning, she looked at me. “Present company accepted.”

“Surely they’re not all bad.”

She shook her head. “No. But the ones that are overshadow the ones that are nice.”

“Like my mother?” I had no doubts Meredith Chambers was one of the most unpleasant people to have to provide service to.

“She’s pretty bad, yeah. Sorry.”

“Don’t be. She’s a grade-A bitch.”

Stephanie laughed and reached out to place her hand onto mine. While I didn’t really care for the physical contact from a girl I barely knew, I didn’t want to cause another scene like in the hallway at the country club. When she started stroking her thumb over the back of my hand, I merely sucked on my straw and tried to look comfortable.

“Joan’s team is playing Saturday afternoon at the Special Events Center. Wanna go with me?”

“Uh, I don’t know if I can.”

She frowned. “Why?”

“I’ve got this dress shopping thing with my mom on Saturday.”

“What time?”

I pulled out my phone and looked at the text Meredith had sent. It merely read: Georgina.11:00am. 1304 Lawndale Avenue.

“Eleven.”

“Well, it doesn’t start until three. You’ll be done by then, right?”

I sincerely hoped so. Not that I wanted to spend any more time with Stephanie, but if I had to endure Meredith’s barbs and arrows for four hours, I wasn’t going to be in any condition to do much more than get really stinking drunk.

“Probably, but I don’t know if Mrs. Johnston is going to need me to watch the kids. She said something this morning about working on a really big case, so I might have to keep the kids busy.”

Stephanie shrugged. “So, bring ‘em. They’ll have a blast. I mean, what kid doesn’t like roller derby?”

I felt my eyes widen in surprise. “Roller derby?”

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