backsliding

I was messaging my therapist today, when it hit me that while I thought I had moved on from guilt about my rapes, apparently I have not.

You see, I told the doctor how I wanted to grow up to be as pretty as my mom, and that gave him the wedge he needed to break me utterly.

So if I had hid that truth, would I have been spared?

My mind knows the answer is no. He'd raped my brother and at least one of my cousins, if I had managed to convince him I was a regular boy I'd be no different than they were.

and yet, at some fundamental level, I keep thinking I would not have . . . fascinated him in the same way

Anyway, now that I've made myself cry, could I get a hug or three ?