The Wall within

ok so a few days ago I watched the youtube channel the nostalgia critic do a take on the movie "The Wall", and it brought me back to one of the darker moments of my childhood.

See, when I was a teen, I saw the Wall, and I saw the movie as a cautionary tale of what I could become. Because I had walls too. Walls that protected me, but also isolated me. So after the movie, rather than seeking help, I decided to try and take down my walls on my own.

It ... didnt go well.

Because I discovered I didnt have a just a wall between myself and the world - I had one inside my mind as well, a wall that protected me from the memories of my rapes, among other events. So I broke, again, just like I had during my rapes. I disassociated, basically running on auto-pilot for about 3 days before finally waking up so to speak, with a radically changed brain.

See, I had been quite fragmented internally, with almost multiple personalities were inside me. I became more unified but there were still a couple of fragments not accounted for, with my girl side being the largest of these.

So even though there's little doubt I shouldn't have done this without a professional mental health person helping me, the end result ... well it could have been worse.

Make of this what you will.