self-sabotage

I'm just sitting here, having realized that if I hadn't sabotaged myself, I might have had totally transitioned by now.

By delaying my name change, I cost myself more than $ 4,000 which would have come in handy for paying off my car and putting myself in a position where even if i wasn't able to work for months after surgery I'd still be above water.

Meanwhile, my poor choices in eating and exercise have left me about 100 lbs over what I would need to be to qualify for surgery, and now with the level of pain i am in because of my hips and knees the "exercise" part of that equation isn't going to improve.

Sighs ... I need huggles, anybody got some to spare?