female puberty

I've been thinking a lot about puberty.

I mean, that's the closest I can probably come to describing what I'm going through - the high estrogen levels, the growing breasts, the mood swings ...

And the sex drive.

That's the one that scares me - the fact that after a long time having minimal interest in sex, I'm now starting to see it climb back up. Which would be okay, I guess, but there's a couple of problems.

First, I had assumed going into this that I was only interested in girls, and that my transition wouldn't change that, but I was mistaken - between the estrogen and me dealing with my rape I have apparently opened up a door to an interest in men. And considering the only time I have been sexual with a man started when I was seven, I'm really leery of going there again.

The second problem is that I have zero chance of having a relationship, much less a sexual one. I'm a broke, fat, trans, PTSD survivor with manic-depression and minimal social skills who has a (estranged) wife and child to think of, so what exactly do I have to offer someone? Not only that, my sole social outing is church, where the heck is that special guy or girl gonna even meet me?

So you put those two problems together, and its not hard to believe that I'm probably doomed to do without a relationship.

Ah, well.