why would I freak out over having a shower?

Well, something happened yesterday that's got me concerned.

See, all week it was really hot, and I kept telling myself I needed a shower, but I kept putting it off, and then finally I got frustrated enough with what I assumed was procrastination, so yesterday afternoon I went to take a shower. But no sooner was I ready to step in the tub that I had what I can only consider a panic attack, and it took me a while to calm myself down enough to try again. I really had to grit my teeth to force myself into the shower, and this is why I'm worried.

I am left with two disturbing questions. The first is, what caused me to freak out so much? and secondly, considering what I've learned about my past since I started trying to process the memories of my rape, am I strong enough to handle another revelation?

Ah, well ...