Help for me as an author?

I had originally planned to release the second part of the story I posted here on the 31st of this month. However alarmingly I have become aware that there could be some kind of major fault in my work so a question...

Can anyone tell me (if they read my story) what any faults I have are and other than that, could anyone give me any and I mean any advice that might, should I be capable of doing so, improve my writing?

Dawn.