she has a boyfriend now

I have had a boyfriend for the last week and it has changed my life.

This year has been a whirlwind. When I first started to transition I never thought I would be able to date a man. I have only been presenting full time for about six months. And now I have a boyfriend.

I have always read that a woman is awakened sexually. I did not understand that it is so much more than that. I feel my heart has grown bigger somehow. I feel like the love I experienced as a boy was black and white, and now I am experiencing it in full color. I want to be strong for him so that I can emotionally support him. I want to be his, all the while, knowing that he is mine.

It is so much different than what I experienced as a boy. I had been in love, but it was insane. There was this terrible fear of being rejected. I don't have that now. Maybe it is simply in knowing who I am in terms of myself, that I can now see myself in terms of another. I now have an identity that I never had before as a boy. As a boy, I felt I had to be the stronger one and take care of my girlfriend. As a girl, I want to take care of my man, but I know I don't have to. I can be strong, yet fully loving and supportive at the same time.

I have also discovered a power that I experienced as a boy from the other side, but never understood before. My words and actions can damage him so easily. Or I can simply choose to reject him and leave and he will be the one hurting. I think of Stan Lee's words from Spider Man, "With great power comes great responsibility." I see that is so very true. Being on the other side is both wonderful and scary at the same time.

I know that he has a lot of power over me too, but I don't think he realizes it. Only it is not a destructive power, but more the ability to lead me in ways no one else has been able to do before.

I was explaining that to my therapist today and he just grinned and told me that I have come extremely far in such a short time. That my thoughts and emotions are sounding like someone who had grown up as a GG. That is so affirming.

Earlier this week, I realized I was forgetting what it was like living as a boy. For instance, I cannot remember the last time I was in a Men's restroom, and now even the thought of it revolts me. I can't imagine living without long nails. I currently am exploring red enamels, but I am thing about getting some pinks next month. And it feels so alien to be called Sir. I am so doing my name change as soon as I can afford it.

And now I have a boyfriend who has brought out this whole new realm of being female. It can all be summed up as

I love him so,
He listens to my soul
and he won my heart.