Back in the New York Groove

My doctor confirmed a diagnosis of Essential (Familial) Tremors, where motor skills for hands are affected by shaking. My symptoms also include vertigo and a slight tremor in my speech; all the symtoms are exacerbated and increase with stress. The condition is permanent but will not get worse; it has plateaued.

My diagnosis also includes a psychogenic tremor disorder secondary to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder; which means the disorder is temporary and should abate and finally disappear as my recovery from the abuse continues to improve. The symptoms include broad shoulder shrugs and head jerks, which also worsen with stress.

The absolutely fabulous news is that that's all folks, no non-verbal Tourette's Syndrome, no Parkinson's. While I am relieved, it still is a challenge, since as I said, the hand and arm tremors are not going away. I should be a Medical Doctor because I have lost enough fine motor skills that my signature is unreadable. Interesting, but I can block print as good as ever since it's apparently controlled by another part of the brain. And the vertigo is a royal pain in the posterior because I get dizzy quite often, partially because of the anti-convulsive medication and partly because of the ET. I bump into things and lose my balance if I'm not careful, but it's not debilitating by any means.

The uncomfortable part of it all is that he reminded me that recovery from PTSD is a process (I knew that) and that I might continue to experience symptoms such as flashbacks or memories or nightmares (likely). In addition, the continued broad gestures indicate my mind trying to cope with something too difficult to handle so the area of the brain that affects my memory also affects my arms, hands, and shoulders in an "involuntary" manner. Really exhausting, but as more and more is revealed as my brain is able to handle the release, the symptoms, as I said, will diminish.

I'm also suffering from "Waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-dropitis." My symptoms worsened recently at the revelation of my sister's therapist that my father had molested her as well. The natural if misinformed inclination is to suspect that he might have hurt me, as my doctor said; "what if" is a big issue. But I have no memory or any underlying sensation as when my flashbacks began last year. The doctor cautioned me thankfully that all the stress of my physical illness and the continued other stresses might be the only thing left, but it's really a wait and see. And like I said yesterday, I have to avoid the twins - not trying to remember and trying not to remember, since the memories will arise no matter what.

I hate to continue to make an issue of this, but this site and several of the folks here in specific have been paramount in my recovery. My therapist is on medical leave due to a significant headache disorder, and I haven't gotten a referral yet. In addition, my brothers have retreated from their support; my older brother due to health issues and my younger brother due to an inability to relate to my problem due his own issues. So apart from my wife and son, I have no one face-to-face to support me.

I am convinced because of the severity of the issues I have faced over the last year, I would not have survived without the help of the folks on this site; from Erin and the folks who toil here so that I have been able to work out my healing through my writing; to my friends and adopted family. It has been a supreme blessing to come to know everyone as much as I have, and I hope I have been a blessing to you all as well. I thank God from the bottom of my heart for you all. With much love, Andrea