I long

I long to live, I want to die.
I long to die, I am still alive.
I long to live, why can’t I die?
I long to die, I always survive.
I long to live, whats wrong with suicide?
I long to die, I cannot end my life.
I long to live! I must survive!

I have struggled all my life with suicidal thoughts and tendencies. I had an abusive childhood because of who I am, I carry many burdens both mentally and physically as do we all. I made several attempts to end my life and came very close many many times., I still bear the scars from those attempts, They like my thoughts of death will never go away. I can not think of many times where my life was worse than it is now. I have asked time and time again how can god allow me to live like this. I asked every pastor, minister or reverend I have met and never got a suitable answer. I couple months ago I finally asked god, and for an answer he showed me how to control my suicidal tendencies, to live with my burdens, I have not yet learned to over come them but I will soon. TG related suicides is high enough, I know many of us do not believe in god, but please find your own answer and help end the path of destruction in our community.