I edited and proofread the recent story I posted and I'm hope someone can tell me if it is any better now

Yes I'm asking for more comments. I went though the entire story line per line of Allens Discovery chapter 2 and did alot of changes, edits and corrections to make it easier to read. There were alot of errors and sentences that just didn't make since when I went over it again.

I am wondering if it is better now.