Hopscotch… A Jump in Life 21

*Before…

It was sort of scary dealing with them and at the same time it was just all sorts of cool.

He has Mom sign the stuff for charges to be pressed if and when they can and he leaves with the police officer.

The town police officer was kind of quiet, I’m not sure what he was thinking or if it was like about me or me being trans or not. I really couldn’t tell and I don’t know if that’s just me in my head or it’s just a police thing.

I sigh and double hand hold my coffee as they’re done and Mom and Dr. Johansson are looking at me. “You want to go for a walk and clear out the ughs from all of this?”

I take a breath and a sip then nod. “I think so, okay let’s go.”

Mom slips her arm around my back and we head out to do a few rounds round the hospital with her and my therapist.

*And Now…

We don’t really say much the first part of the walk because well I don’t know maybe they were waiting for me to say something first and all of that so it’s quiet and sort of punctuated between sips of our coffees and then the odd comment about things like one of the plants in the atrium and how it’s pretty and then how nice it is outside which actually leads to us going outside and finishing our coffee’s out there sitting on a bench far enough away from the smokers so it’s not too smelly and gross.

“Well I’m definitely not a smoker.” I say.

Mom’s like. “Good.”

Doctor Johansson’s like. “Why do you say that?”

Me. “I’m not craving one by smelling it and it sort of comes across as kind of gross to me.”

They both nod and smile and Doctor Johansson says. “That’s good you’re making intuitive leaps like that, it’s a good sign.”

Me… “Of?”

“Recovery, it says that your brain is actively trying to heal itself and put things back together.”

Me… “Great…”

They’re both looking at me. Mom looks confused and the Dr. she just looks like she’s waiting.

I sigh and do the crossing my arms and hugging myself. “I’m scared of that, I’m scared that if it does happen and everything that Shawn will come back.”

The Dr. looks at me. “That’s perfectly valid Sarah I’d feel the same way I think but honestly I don’t think that’s going to happen. There’s really too much damage I think that’s been done with everything that happen so you might just get some of it back.”

I look at her. “Enough to make me not want to be Sarah? Because I can’t, I can’t hide like that anymore I can’t go back into some box in my closet piled under a ton of bullshit.” (Sniffle.)

Mom leans over and she does the one armed hug thing. “You won’t, I promise that you won’t honey…you’re…you’re my daughter and I have seen this whole other energy coming out of you that I haven’t seen in you before ever.”

She leans in and she does that forehead to forehead thing. “Nothing’s going to mess with my daughter.”

We hug and we’re both sniffling and doctor Johansson pulls out some tissues out of her purse with an amused smile. “Well that’s a very productive Saturday in my books I think we should finish our walk and I’ll leave you to your day.”

We nod and we’re using the tissues and we head out from the bench and we go down the rest of the block to the stop sign and then we walk back again and it is nice to get outside it’s spring too and just well enough into it that I can smell that green grass difference instead of that sort of soggy spring smells from wet ground. And there are a little clouds but it’s pretty much sunny outside and that feels good.

It’s really sort of my first time out in the open air and in the sunshine in a way.

I don’t know where I read it but I know that I read it and someone said once… “Sunshine cleans more than dirty linens.”

Which makes me smile because there’s this little something there like that…like I know what that, what clothes smell like off the clothesline.

Mom looks at me. “What’re you smiling about?”

Me… “We have a clothesline.”

Mom… “You remember that?”

Me… “Nope, not at all but it’s the air. I was thinking about how nice outside it was and everything and it reminded me of the smell of fresh clothes sort of.”

Dr. Johansson nods. “Sense memories are often our strongest ones. Like I said you’re making progress.”

Me… “Oh that’s really making me look forward to using the bathroom.”

Mom looks at me and then she makes a face. “Eww Sarah.”

I nod almost solemnly. “That’s not a Shawn memory that I want.”

Okay I actually make my doctor snerk a little and Mom well she rolls her eyes. It’s a little bit of fun and it kind of feels good to joke around and all that. It’s not too long though before we do another round of the first floor and then take the stairs to the third floor where I’m at.

By the time I’m done doing that though I’m a little achy, it’s not a big hospital but I’m still not used to being on my feet all that long and all. Though as bad as it is at the same time it’s not all that bad. We took our time and didn’t push it and when I finally get back to my room and get into bed my back is sore a lot but it’s not spasming.

Dr. Johansson leaves after she made some notes on my chart. “I’ll make notes for physio here of what you did and leave them an e-mail. Have a good day you two I’ve a few more patients to check in on.”

We both sort of wave goodbye and I lean back into the raised bed and sigh. “Okay that wasn’t as bad as I thought.”

“Her and the therapy checkups or the RCMP and the police thing?”

“Both, I mean the policeman wasn’t really scary but he wasn’t really all that nice either it seems and well the whole therapy thing is still sort of scary but it’s like being that open just makes me feel scared and edgy.”

Mom nods. “It’ll take getting used to and the policeman I’m not sure if he was unfriendly or just try to do his job honey. There’s a lot of that cyber stuff that’s really not all that familiar to small town departments like ours so he just could’ve been letting the constable take the lead.”

“Okay, it’s just I’m still a little paranoid with the hate mail and the pictures.”

Mom makes a face. “I’ve heard that’s a thing with boys in your generation taking those pictures and sending them to girls.”

I nod. “Utter poopcandles the lot of them.”

She smiles a little at that and she asks what’s on the agenda and I look at her. “Make-up?”

She nods and I start up some of the tutorial videos and we both watch them and there’s a few times that Mom’s really into it and she’s got that oh…and a really look.

She actually doesn’t wear that much that I can see at all herself and she’s really pretty in her own way but it’s like she just though comes across as one of those women that doesn’t wear it that much, just the bare minimum more than likely and probably none at home.

“Mom?”

“Yeah Sarah?”

“This isn’t really your thing is it?”

“Well…honestly no. If I was going to wear stuff like that and learn from home and stuff I’d honestly look pretty bad. I never really was popular enough for it to matter in school.”

“Why popular?”

“Oh well only the cool girls really did that stuff and they kind of owned the mirrors in school. I mean the rest of us could use them and all but if we tried to do like make-up then we kind of got crap for it.”

“Crap?”

“All that whole peer pressure girl bullying critical stuff. Heck I did good enough not catch it a whole lot because my clothes were like thrift store stuff.”

“But thrift store stuff’s cool.”

“Not home, home when I was your age it was all who had what brand of stuff.”

“Oh…great I’m really not going to enjoy going back to school then or at least with that part.”

She actually grins. “Well I think we have you covered with all of that. There’s a pretty decent some of insurance money left over from the accident and we’ve been hanging onto it for things in case you woke up.”

“Oh…oh well that’s cool so like shopping?”

Shopping! Yay can I come too!?” I look up and I see this really tall girl with those long, long legs and long graceful arms and she’s got this really long straight black hair and brown eyes and she’s Asian…and she’s stunning.

“I…uhm…”

I see Dad coming in behind her and my brain actually kicks into gear.

“Kaitlyn?”

She grins and she does this ta-daa pose and I slide off of the bed and then we’re hugging.

I don’t know why we’re hugging having just like met each other but we are.

She’s strong too but she’s not really boyish, well okay she is sort of boyish she’s like me with a really small and flat chest and she’s not really hippy either. Y’know trans girl problems but it really works with her since she’s skinny and she’s…

“Wow, you’re so tall!”

She laughs. “Ohmigods that’s all I like every get!”

Gods…yep spoken like a gamer geekette. I grin at her and sit but move to make room and she sits with me. “I can imagine, wow you must be six feet tall.”

Kaitlyn nods. “Close five-eleven.”

“That’s tall for an…”

“Japanese person?” She raises an eyebrow.

“You’re Japanese I couldn’t tell.”

She grins. “Actually I’m Canadian but my grandparents are Japanese.”

I grin and blush. “Sorry.”

She laughs and it’s the most precious odd and funny thing she sort of has this braying like accent to her laugh. This kind of “hern, hern, hern’ sound instead of a “hah, hah, hah” sound. “Hey it’s okay I’m just messing with you.”

Like a girly version of Gomer Pile.

Which makes me Snerk.

And then we’re hugging again.

Mom takes Dad’s hand and she kisses him and she leads him out of my room and I look at Kaitlyn and she sort of blushes under the scrutiny and bites her lower lip a little and we sort of do that intense stare at each other thing before the tears are building up in my eyes and I start to cry and…

“Thank you, thank you for just like dropping your life and coming…” (Sniffle.)

She gives me that head tilty really light up the day kind of pretty smile and she reaches up and she thumbstrokes some of the tears that are starting away from my face.

I’m happy crying still some and just emotionally crying too and I’m shaking a little because I’ve never had anyone do that to me before and my brain’s in like good shock?

“You’re my friend Sarah of course I’d come.”